#Toon patrol x Reader Oneshot

[slashingdisneypasta]

PLATONIC FAMILIAL!Toon Patrol x Smartass’Daughter!Reader || Oneshot [Part 3]

Title: Her First Birthday With Them

Notes:

Immediate chapter 3 before I lose momentum!

The next chapter will be in Stupid's POV ^^

Plot: A baby girl is left on the Toon Patrol's front door step, and they've had her a whole year now ^^ Somehow she's alive, and happy, and well-loved.

Warnings: Smoking, minor violence, and unedited.

Greasy Weasel’s POV

Y/N can’t yet blow out her own candles, so when we’re all finished singing happy birthday to her she starts waiving her arm at the cake- frightening the other boys and I half to death when she kicks out and almost sets hr little foot on fire. Quickly though, Stupid slips behind her and blows out the candles where she can’t see, and she gives a pleased squeal, clapping her little paws. Gracias a dio (1).

El pequeño Y/N ahora tiene un año completo (2). Its been... quite a year... I've never see the boss so exhausted , even with mine and Wheezy's help. I mean- Psycho and Stupid do there best also- but lets just say its a good thing they have us around too. I've given up counting how many times Y/N has nearly died playing with them.

The little one is starting to take shape, too, looking more weasel then... blob... and I'm doing my best to use that and picture what her mother might look like... What? I want to know what the bosses type is! I'm curious! Nevertheless, though, its pretty hopeless. I've just had to assign the woman a face from one of my magazines, for when I imagine her. She has a largeee chest and crimson lips, and I don't at all blame Smartass for his- shall we say- slip?~

"Oh! Present time!" Psycho suddenly announces, taking Y/N haphazardly up by the armpits from the table and running off to sit her on the floor in the livingroom, instead, propping her up like a doll against the bosses reclining chair. The boss has a heartattack beside me, stiffening up as he watches Psycho nearly trip over his straight jacket while scurrying off with his daughter. When she's safely set on the ground, Wheezy and Stupid taking spots on the ground at either side of her, the boss relaxes and roughly wipes his face, following them.

... Well, at least he didn't yell. Good job boss. It is the pequeña princesa's birthday after all.

While they all settle down in the livingroom, I hang back and gesture to the cake. "I... but... first I thought we would eat the- " When Psycho and the others just ignore me, and the asombroso (3) cake that I slaved away to create for these chuckleheads, I let out a huph. Fine. I hate you all.

I grab my present for her and sit down across from Y/N, as Psycho excitedly sets his (a blue and yellow striped box that looks almost the same size, as Y/N) in front of her first and pats it on the lid, with his razor. "Mine first, mine first!~ Hehehe... I think you'll like it, Y/N!" When she just looks at the box, feeling the top with her paw, Psycho sighs. "Go onnn~ Open it."

Looking curious in that adorable way that children always are, Y/N taps the box some more before discovering that the lid pushes off. She uses a little fist to lift it off and over the back- it seems to be a struggle for her, as she sticks out her tongue in concentration and almost perspires- but she manages it without any of our help, and I have a short proud moment. That's our girl, after all.

She giggles cheerfully at the job well done, and the proud back pat her father gives her, before Psycho nudges the box closer to her so that she can peak inside. When she sees what's inside, she gasps and pulls out a... doll.

... Eugh. Its a freaky looking thing. I'm surprised Y/N isn't sobbing. Psycho must have made it himself, with frayed pieces of... hold on... that's one of Stupid's striped shirts the arms are made of! And- and- the head must be Psycho's straight jacket, while the chest is made from what looks to be one of Wheezy's disgusting old vests, and part of the bosses pink suit jacket! And those feet are mine!

Oh- Pequeño psicópata malvado (4). I knew I was missing a pair of pants-

"Psychoooo... " I start, a menacing tone to my voice and flashing a terrible glare his way- but he quickly growls at me and I shut up. Its just best not to get on that little loco's bad side. "Heheh- mine next is all I mean to say!" But watch yourself, Psycho. Remember- I cook your meals.

I push Psycho out of the way and take his place in front of Y/N, hugging that horrible voodoo doll, and set my present in front of her. I start thinking that if she squeezes that thing too hard it'll strangle me, and sweat a little. We took that voodoo book away from Psycho, didn't we?? Hope so... Hey- you- Wheezy- what's that look at my present you have? What's the smirk? Why?

Under my suspicious glare, Wheezy chuckles and gives a shrug. "Did you use enough tape do ya think?"

Looking down at the present I wrapped myself, which yes is wrapped with... a fair bit of sticky tape... I brush him off. "It's not my fault! The tape was attracted to me!" And who could blame it, really?- Stupid don't giggle! Cállate! (5) "Whatever- here you go Y/N. Feliz cumpleaños (6)."

Y/N grips at it with her paws. "Fe... fe... " We all get excited, then, wondering if she's going to say her first word. Is it going to be Spanish?? If it is, Smartass is going to owe me 20 dollars! "Feper!" She exclaims, and Stupid applauds dumbly like it actually means something. I sigh, dejected once again, before catching a cheeky look on the little girl. Wait...

I squint at her.

She didn't... no... that wasn't on purpose... she couldn't.

... Hm.

As Y/N rips open the wrapping with her sharp little claws, I shrug it off. There's no way. She's Smartass' daughter, but she's... too young to be an evil genius. Surely. When she's finally got the wrapping to budge revealing the gift inside, her eyes widen in joyous surprise and she claps. "Dothy!! Dothy!!" She chants, picking up the little ruby red slippers I got her.

I got her Dorothy slippers because her favourite movie, the one she has tortured us all with every day for months since she saw it, is the Wizard of Oz. Seriously, she loves it. For a couple of weeks after the first viewing, she couldn't see Psycho without growling at him like a lion.

Picking her up in my lap, I help her put the shoes on first and then hold her up in a standing position so she can see them properly. "Bien?"

Clumsily she knocks her heels together, and grins wide. "Biben! Biben!"

"Duh! My turn now!" Stupid, our other child, claps then as I set Y/N down again, and shake my head at the giants excitement. And at how Y/n's eyes go wide and she watches Stupid go fetch her next present- she really loves him. Sometimes, I think she likes him much more then she likes the rest of us... but, hehe. No way! That is ridículo! (7) I am so awesome. "Here you go, Y/N!"

Stupid gets her a red leather long coat that's way too large for her; It'll hopefully fit her once she's full groan! She loves it though, unsurprisingly, and hefts it over her shoulders with some difficulty to use as a blanket. Then, Wheezy gives her the jack-in-a-box that she cried about not getting at the store the other day (He really left her present to the last minute- and somehow succeeded anyway. I hate him for this) and, when the boss isn't looking- he sneaks her a box of little lolly cigarettes; Giving her a 'shhh' sign with his finger in front of his mouth.

Her big eyes widen even more and she nods, understanding him and making him grin back at her.

... I wonder, sharing a look with Psycho and Stupid quickly before Smartass looks back at us all, for how long this man has been corrupting our sweet angel.

Finally, Smartass hands his daughter his present from himself, setting her in his lap and the box on the ground in front of them both.

Its a hat, which is tradition in the gang. He and I have our fedora's, Wheezy has his silly old man flat cap, Stupid has his helicopter hat and... well, we couldn't find a hat that would fit over Psycho's main. But his insane hair counts just fine as a hat. It protects him from the rain, and everything!

I already knew that he was getting her a hat, he asked me about it wondering what kind he should get her, but we didn't actually come to a conclusion so I've been rather curious as to what he chose for her.

... Its a top hat, and its so ginormous like the coat that it falls to her chest until Smartass lifts the front up to balance on her forehead. Her grin is also ginormous, almost half of her face in fact, touching at the brim and patting at her fathers knees. The look on Smartass' face, though, is what makes us all go silent.

"You'll grow into it, baby girl." He tells her in a rough, stern voice, but the eyes he's looking down at her with are anything but. Full of love and a softness that's completely foreign on our bosses face.

... its sweet, yes, but plEASE STOP IT, BOSS. YOU'RE FREAKEN ME OUT-

~

"Alright, Buenos notches Boss I'm calling it a night- OOF!" An unopened box of nappies flies at my gut from across the room.

Oh... going down... oh no no!- I'm still standing. False alarm. Its just pain...

"She's sleeping, you moron!!" He whispers ferociously, shaking his fist at me.

"Bossss, didn't you say not to swear in front of her??" Stupid asks, too slow to know how to whisper, himself.

"Yeah, so?? She's asleep, Stupid!- "

"You know, I read somewhere that people pick stuff up better in their sleep then when they're awake, actually." Wheezy pipes up, blowing out a ring of smoke my way- causing me to cough and hack, fighting to get it out of my lungs.

... When I'm done, but still blowing the disgusting stuff away from my face, I glare him. "... I'll get you, fumador."

He just grins wolfishly, and turns to smoke out the window once again.

"... Considerin' how much I complain about you mongrels to her while she's sleepin', you lot better pray that aint true." Smartass snaps, rolling his eyes.

"Everyone stop talking." Psycho hisses, from where he stands hunched over Y/N's cradle like a terrifying mobile. "Just look at her!!~ She's so cute~... " As we all crowd around her, joining the feral weasel, I have to agree. She is adorable, laying there using her new jacket as a blanket and still wearing her new shoes. She must have received more of her mother, in the womb.

The rest of her presents are still with her, also. The jack-in-a-box is at the bottom of the cradle, the hat sits by her head (She had tried to sleep in it, but Smartass took it off her before it could strangle her), and she's hugging that freaky doll to her face like her life depends on it. Also, peaking out of one of the coat pockets, is the box of candy cigerettes.

Wheezy looks nervously, at that, though thankfully the boss has yet to notice despite looking at her just like the rest of us. I inwardly groan and take a deep breath, preparing for the whack I'm bound to recieve for this next coming comment. "... you think she's trouble now, eh boss? Just wait until she starts to date."

Smartass immediately whips around to me and while he's pinching me in the arm, I tuck the fake smokes further into her pocket so they're hidden. "She's not datin' til she's 40 and a doctor!"

I rub my arm vigorously, because damnit boss that hurts! while Wheezy gives me a secret smile of thanks. Puh. These people don't deserve me.

_

Spanish Translations:

Thank God.

Little Y/N is now a full year old

Amazing

Little evil psycho

The closest thing I could find to shut up.

Happy Birthday

[cyberb07]

For about the past month of my adult life, I've been working on getting a place of my own.

Also for the past month, I've been spending my free time writing self-insert fics and reading x readers.

XD Completely normal.

What I've been working on:

• An Ennard x self story (possibly 3 chapters, 2 of them 18+, 1 of them FTFreddy x self)

• A Toon Patrol x OC collection of stories (Yes, there's a weasel I'm more for, but it starts out kinda ambiguous. Ah, & yes, a few 18+ chapters/oneshots)

• A Weasel quickie comic (😁 Just sketching out a curious & funny thought I had)

• A Weasel AMV (I kid you not; I make musical playlists for my fictional crushes, and one song just wouldn't quit. So I had to!)

• Touching back on old fics (Skeksis x OC, Simpsons x OC, The Duke x OC, etc & etc.)

• Also I've been tapping back into my love for some Looney Tunes characters and the Nerdlucks/Monstars. But man, is it hard to find x reader's for them! Do I have to write my own for all of them??

[slashingdisneypasta]

PLATONIC FAMILIAL!Toon Patrol x Smartass’Daughter!Reader|| Oneshot [Part 2]

Title: A Trip to the Store

Notes:

Another chapter re-written in a hurry before bed, just like the last 😅

So, this one will be in Psycho’s POV and every one from here on out will be in a weasels pov too. Next up is Greasy, for Y/N's first birthday chapter.

Plot: A baby girl is left on the Toon Patrol's front door step, and now they’ve gotta go shopping for her.

Warnings: Smoking, and unedited.

Psycho Weasel’s POV

I sure was surprised when the Boss said we were keeping Y/N- he barely keeps us alive!! It also just doesn’t really seem like his kind of thing… but here we are, shopping for nappies, so I suppose I could have been an itsy bit wrong about him~ Oh well.

“Duh, how about these ones Boss?” Stupid, sucking on a lollypop the owners of the store were kind enough to ‘let’ him swipe, points a sticky finger at a big box of pink diapers. Oh? “Those look fluffy.” I give a sniff in the direction of the box he’s chosen, and immediately scowl- holding my nose with a growl.

“I can smell those from here.”

Wheezy’s rolling the trolley up and down the aisle in order to entertain Y/N, but he can hear us just fine and gives a shrug as he passes us the turn down the row of nappies. “Might cover up the other smell, then.”

“It smells horrible, though,” I hiss back, voice sounding more nasal then usual because I’m pinching it, and glare at Wheezy. We’re not getting those.

“Fine. How bout these, then? Huh?” Smartass rolls his eyes, snatching up the box stacked next to the pink ones and reads the back. Reads the back?? Its nappies, not meat. They won’t expire- what’s he reading?? How much beating they can take???

Stupid tilts his head the side, sucking his lollypop before pulling it out of his mouth with a pop that surprises me- makes me flinch. Did anyone see that? “Uhhh isn’t Y/N a girl???”

Smartass glares at him in that confused, frowny way he does when he doesn’t understand what a comment means but he’s still MAD!! for some reason. He’s always mad for some reason. Poor guy.  “Yea, she’s a girl!”

“Welll, aren’t those ones for boys??” Stupid clarifies, stuck in his own head and not noticing the bosses rising blood pressure. This happens a lot.

As Wheezy rolls by again and I glare at him because I’m still irritated at him for vouching for the nasty smelling pink nappies, Smartass reaches over and grabs the trolley with one hand- halting him and Y/N, where they are. “What’s the difference?” The Betrayer asks.

“They’re blue!”

“Wh- “The boss looks mind-boggled, and it makes me giggle. Oh, Boss- “If my daughter wants blue ones, she’ll get blue ones!! Here, hold on- “Smartass grabs a pink box along with the blue, and sets them down in front of Y/N in the trolley. “Whichever one she reaches for, we're gonna get and I don’t wanna hear aany arguments about it - capishe?”

He looks to me, here, and I point at myself; Eyes wide and as innocent as can be. Me??

“Yeah, you, crazy pants. If she wants the pink ones, you’re gonna stay quiet about it.”

“… “There’s no point in arguing with the boss!~ Unfortunately. I slump. “Fine.”

… my eyes slip over to Y/N, sucking her little thumb under Wheezy, at the back of the trolley. You better pick the blue ones, little miss. I know where you live!~ I’m doing my best scary staring, but after a few moments of all 3 of us silently watching the little runt do nothing, I stop. I blink, and turn to Smartass. “I don’t think she underst- “

“Shhhhh!!!”

… hm. Well, I don’t care for that responce-

Suddenly Y/N finally makes a move, and I stand at attention; Tilting my head to the side as she giggles at nothing (Just like me!~ ) and sticks her whole fist in her mouth as best she can. Wheezy turns to Smartass, this time, a cold and unimpressed look on his face. Though- most expressions look cold on his face. So I’m never sure whether to really take it seriously. “So, what does that mean?”

“Well- its her right fist so I’m gonna say the box on the right.” The boss picks up the pink box and puts it back on the shelf, before grabbing a couple more of the blue boxes and stacking them carefully away from Y/N's little, oh-so-crushable body. “She speaks! Let’s move on- wait a second,” He suddenly turns to us, and we all straighten up a little bit as he does a quick, silent head count. Then he groans and clenches a fist tightly. “… Where’d we lose Greasy?”

“I am over here, amigo’s!!” We hear the familiar sound of Greasy’s voice call loudly from an aisle over, and go to check it out. What we see brings a smile to my face.

He looks pained and his eyes are a terrible red colour- he’s been pepper sprayed again!! That’s 3 times for the grocery store, and Wheezy owes me his dessert for a week (He bet it wouldn’t happen more then twice while we were in the store). I glance over at him and give a devious smirk, seeing the addict grit his teeth and pull his hat down further over his face, in shame.

Good.

Meanwhile Stupid’s getting a good giggle out of the display, because it never gets old, and Smartass is busy scolding his ‘right-hand man’~ “How many times is this going to happen TODAY!??” He demands, crossing his arms and tapping his foot on the ground- which catches my attention. Boy, he does that a lot… he’s going to be a great mother.

-Oh! I forgot! “I have the water, Greasy!~ “

“Oh marvilloso, Psycho, please.” I pull the icey water bottle from inside my straight jacket, and hand it over. He immediately holds it to his eyes and sighs. “Gracias, loco. And- Smartass- in answer to your question- NEVER! Never again, ever. No more times! I am absolutely, totally, completely done with all of mujur kind- oh hola, chika~”

… He can’t even get through his sentence about renouncing ladies before he’s got his puffy, teary, red eyes locked on a new target walking by. Oh Greasy… classic Greasy…

The boss gives a heavy sigh, looking up at the ceiling. Or heaven?? Does the boss believe in heaven?? I should ask some time…

Anyway, the new lady that Greasy’s drooling at like he wants to eat her is busy stocking a shelf a few feet away - she works here, - , but lets him steal her attention away with his ‘poor sore eyes’, and ‘yes they hurt very much mariposa’ and ‘will you assist me por favour?~~’.

She comes over as Stupid, Smartass and I just watch the ‘buffoonery’ as Smartass mutters, and wait for the slap- or the kick- or the spray- or the booby trap…

Wheezy though, doesn’t care. He takes Y/N out of the trolley and sits down boredly on the floor with her in his lap. Stupid and I go with him, Stupid waiving at Y/N and touching paws with her as Smartass just continues to tap his foot and wait.

“Sí, sí, it hurts very badly- “Greasy gets cut off by the lady, when she catches sight of Wheezy with Y/N in his lap and she drops to her knees beside him.

“She is so cute! Is she yours??” She asks.

Greasy opens his mouth, but seeing as she’s talking to Wheezy, he’s cut off again. This time before he even speaks. “Nah, she’s his.” Wheezy nods towards Smartass, but the lady can’t tear her eyes away from the dirty, smoky floor man. He doesn’t seem to notice, though, but I see his foot twitching and I know he’s starting to experience withdrawals from not smoking the last 5 minutes inside the store… so… that would explain that. He also doesn’t seem to notice that Greasy’s now tapping his foot along with Smartass, but that could be voluntary. I’m going to ignore it, too~

“Uh, I hope you don’t mind me saying this sir, but… your eyes are really beautiful… “The lady says, staring and Wheezy’s eyes. I move to be behind her and look at his eyes, too, from her point of view- and shrug. I see nothin’ special~

Hey- how come she’s so close to him? Doesn’t she have a nose?? Wheezy smells like if you hovered above a steam train and stuck your nose in the chimney! I can barely stand sleeping down the hall from him.

Suddenly the boss leans down and yoinks Y/N up and away from Wheezy- who still doesn’t seem to notice the attention he’s getting from the employee lady. He only seems to notice when Y/N's taken away and looks up questioningly at the boss. “Whats up?- “

“Don’t be getting all romance-like with my infant daughter in your lap, you moron!” Smartass snaps loudly, kicking the addict in the head.

Which, of course, is hilarious. Stupid, Greasy and I start giggling about it, before Smartass sends us all a death-look and we all shut up- me covering my mouth with my long comfy sleeves, Greasy coughing, and Stupid sticking his lollypop back into his mouth.

Wheezy… is not so amused. But he takes this as an excuse to take out his cigarettes and pointedly light up inside the store. After one draw he totally relaxes, eyes clearing into focus as he turns and blows smoke out at the lady. She coughs and sputters, and it’s funny but I don’t blame her having been at the gross end of that weasels cigarettes before- and jumps up again. “Oh- “She coughs, looking angry as Wheezy sighs and casually gets up as well, casually leaning back. “Gross! Ugh- you can’t smoke in the store. I’m gonna go get my manager.” She then storms off, hands in fists at her sides.

… ha, I think, waiving at her back. Okay!~ See you soon!~

While Wheezy just shrugs and methodically cues up a few more smokes, and Smartass facepalms, making Y/N giggle at her dad- Greasy peers inside the trolley, suddenly. “-WAIT, amigos. What are… what are these?”

“Nappies… “Smartass replies slowly, looking at him like he’s dumb.

“Sí,” Greasy nods, like he knew the whole time. “And… does anyone know how to change those??”

The question has us all silent for a few moments, in various stages of shock and disgust. Do you KNOW what happens in these things?? I’m not going anywhere near any stink bombs!! No, no, no no no no- “Not it!!! Not it, not it, not it- “

“Not it either,” Wheezy steps back, arms raised.

“Absolutely not it.” Greasy shudders.

Stupid manages to blurt out the words next, before a dumbfounded Smartass. “Not it!”

“… What… Ff- “Smartass was about to swear, but glances at the baby by his head and scowls at her. “Fine! You know what? Fine. I’ll take the responsibility, you chicken shits.” With the last bit, he glares at us, but I just grin, and salute him with Wheezy.

Brave boss. Sad, stinky boss… But brave boss.

[slashingdisneypasta]

PLATONICFAMILIAL!Toon Patrol x Smartass’Daughter!Reader || Oneshot [Part 5]

Title: Peace Treaty

Notes:

By ‘fat naked guy’- Wheezy means Porky Pig.

And yes (: Jessica managed to find the only restaurant around in the 40’s that’s strictly no smoking. XD Goodluck, Wheezy my man.

The next one will be split into sections- each of the weasels POV’s will be incorporated.

Plot: Y/N's first birthday party with her family- plus her best friend, Ritchie, and his parents... Roger and Jessica Rabbit.

Warnings: Cursing (Wheezy uses 'damn' and 'goddamn' a lot, and there's a couple f bombs), Greasy being creepy, and chaos.

Wheezy Weasel’s POV

This party’s gonna be… interesting.

Roger and Jessica Rabbit are gonna be there, cuz Y/N got real close with their kid, and I guess they’re ‘best friends’ or something now. Pfft, I’m her best friend round here, always have been always will be- but whatever, I guess.

Anyway, Jessica picked the place- some place called Porky’s with a huge indoor playground, because 1. It’s a kids birthday party. And 2. She wasn’t about to come to our apartment. Thought we’d kidnap her, or something, which- ehhhhhhhh, Greasy might, honestly. Its uncomfortable, sure, but it’s true. Idiot.

So, when we arrive at the place - Wasn’t hard to find. Couldn’t miss it. There’s a sign with that fat naked guy on top the size of Russia, - Jessica and Roger are already there. The boss sure isn’t amused that they were early, but it is what it is, and- ohhhh fuck. No smoking sign on the front door.

The boss sees the sign, too, just before he pushes it open and moves inside, and huffs- one more thing he has to worry about, I guess. This is gonna be a rough 2 hours.

The table they reserved is by the playground, so we can see the kids, and across from a big TV playing some sorta sporting event that maybe can distract me from my smokes? Just gotta ask the guy at the bar what the rules are. What? I don’t know a damn thing about soccer. When we reach the table, the rabbit kid - Ritchie, - is already so damn excited- I think he’s gonna pee himself (Let’s say if he does, I get to go out and take a 20-minute smoke break). When he sees Y/N, wandering after us at Stupid’s heels, he bounds over and wraps her up in a hug.

… that was cute, I’ll admit it.

“Took you guys long enough,” Jessica comments in that drawl of hers, standing up to greet us, and I roll my eyes. She’s about to say something else, but Y/N then gives Ritchie a little peck on the cheek- and she pauses. She ‘Aw’s. Because- while she might hate us, she sure loves Y/N. And I don’t blame her. Y/N’s actually the sweetest little weasel ever - yes, we’re all surprised that came from Smartass’ genes, -, somehow cheery 90 percent of the time, and if anyone hurts my little cutie pie they’re not gonna see the light of day again, let me tell you.

… Mostly cuz the Boss’ll track ‘em down and Dip ‘em, but I’ll get some kicks in before he does.

“Traffic,” Smartass mutters dryly, before sitting down across from her- beside Roger, who gulps. I take that as my okay to sit down too, a seat down from Ms Rabbit. While no one’s looking I light a cigarette and hold it under the table- I can take drawls when no ones looking. Gimmie something here-

For fucks sake Greasy. You have to regulate yourself, dude. He sits down next to me- right next to her, a recipe for trouble- and man I gotta take a drag. The guy can be so smart… but also dumber than a box of rocks, jesus christ. Stupid sees me as he sits down beside the boss, and I give him a shhh gesture. Don’t worry buddy, I got this. Just don’t let the boss know about it.

Stupid nods hurriedly, giving a little giggle. Okay good.

Psycho’s sitting down beside Roger, of course, which is almost as bad as Greasy sitting himself next to Jessica - the rabbit is shaking, now, -, Y/N gets the head of the table cuz she’s the birthday girl, and her little friend’s by her side. If this is the official seating configuration for the day… I have some concerns.

Since Y/N and Ritchie have been hanging out, Roger has gotten a smidge better with dealing with us, but the boss and Psycho still terrify him just being nearby- that’s a good thing, though, I think. If he wasn’t, then they’d have to go and do something to scare him again, and that… could get messy.

“Happy B-B-Birthday, Y/N!!” Roger calls, waiving at her from down the table.

Nodding, Jessica leans down and gives Y/N a kiss on the forehead. “Yeah, happy birthday honey,” Y/N looks wide eyed after the kiss, almost starry-eyed, and I don’t blame her- but for different reasons. She loves Jessica right back. Looks up to her even. Adores her, even.

I think it’s got something to do with not really having a female influence. But damn... c’mon, baby girl- you got 5 awesome weasels right here to be your role-models! Well- four. Greasy’s not the best.

Three. Psycho needs to seek serious psychological help.

… Two, I hope she don’t start smoking like me. You know what? Maybe she should look up to Jessica-

“Thank you!” Y/N grins, cheesing all sweet at them both. And yeah- she even likes Roger. She seems to like everyone she meets, somehow. It’s a mystery to me, but I guess that’s just her. A fricken angel.

“What kinda presents have you got so far, sweetie??”

“Oh!” Counting on her fingers, like we taught her, Y/N starts listing the presents we got her; Pronouncing her words clearly. A-fricken-dorable. “Daddy gave me a pillow case that he made with me and everyone on it!” At this Roger and Jessica look oddly at Smartass, and he gives them the same smug grin he gave us earlier. Because yeah, apparently the boss can sew, And he's pretty good, too. The pillowcase in question is impressive. Jokes on him, though- he’s gonna be patching up all our clothes from here on out. I would feel bad… but I’ll take the free help where I can get it. Sorry boss. “Wheezy got me a drawing book and some crayons- I already drew an elephant, and he said it was soo good! I got a reallllyyyyy big teddy bear from Greasy- like, bigger than me! Stupid got me building blocks- so many. I made a house that daddy could fit in! And Psycho got me lollies! Like, my favourite kind. And lotssss of them. They’re living in the block house, now.” With a grin and closing her eyes, Y/N rubs her tummy. “Mmmm- mm!”

“Mhmm,” Greasy nods, a lecherous grin on his face as he leans over to Jessica. “And that is not the only thing I have that is big- ay!” I elbow him in the stomach a little too late… but you know what? It felt good. So that’s alright. And I’m assuming he would prefer that to the giant motherfucker hammer Jessica keeps in her goddamn cleavage. Greasy, hunched and holding his stomach, turns to glare at me- and notices the smoke between my legs. So instead of giving me the evil eye, he sighs.

… hm… yeah, sorry handsy-mcgee, but I don’t really care how you feel about this. It’s necessary, so I don’t bite you next time you try it with that woman.

“Uh, yeah. That present over there looks pretty big- “Gesturing to the box the size of our apartment at the end of the table that Roger and Jessica must’ve brought, I tap my smoke subtly against my knee so ash falls off the end. The box's wrapped in red and yellow paper, and it’s got a big ass blue bow on top. “I say its present time again. Whadaya say, Y/N?” I ask, making Y/N’s eyes light up.

 “… can I please?” She asks Jessica, Roger and Ritchie, a timid smile on her lips- even as she buzzes in her seat. A glance at Jessica’s face tells me all I need to know about what she’s thinking. She’s thinking how good Y/N’s manners are, and I can’t help myself- I gotta shoot my shot. Leaning backwards in my chair to get her attention behind Greasy's back and get a good look in those pretty eyes of hers, I flash a short grin.

“She gets it from me.”

Immediately she rolls those pretty eyes, and returns her attention immediately to Y/N. Eh, I shrug and return to the table. It was worth a try. Can’t blame a guy for trying- Greasy, stop looking at me.

Fully offended and betrayed, Greasy slowly narrows his eyes at me. Until he’s squinting. Like an idiot.

I Ignore him, taking a drag of my cigarette while Smartass’ looking at the menu.

“Course you can, darling.” Jessica replies to Y/N, and she promptly hops down off her seat and climbs up on the one closest to the present. Ritchie goes with her and helps her unwrap it on the other side, and its… a… goddamnit its a cubby house. I’m gonna have to build that when we get home. So, sighing while Y/N gets all worked up and excited, I take another hard drag of my smoke.

“Oooh, aren’t they adorable together??~~ ” Roger suddenly sighs, while Y/N and Ritchie are busy squealing about what they can do in the house and what their ‘club name’ is gonna be, getting the adults’ attentions. There are hearts in his eyes that freak me the hell out. “I can already hear wedding bells~~~ “

-I almost choke on smoke, removing the cig to glare dangerously at the rabbit. What was that?? That little girl aunt marrying nobody, until she’s 30, first of all- and they have a steady job, an insurance police, and-

“My daughter ain't marrying no rabbit!” Smartass growls, slamming his fist onto the table suddenly beside his menu and baring his teeth at the little imbecile next to him who’s sinking into his seat. I nod- and they can’t be a rabbit, either.

“Duh, the guy has to be really handsome and nice and treat her right!~ “ Stupid pipes up.

“And have money!” Psycho adds. “Dowry’s are very important in weasel weddings.”

“He must have style.” Greasy thinks, like its obvious.

“Insurance, and healthcare.” Honestly, it’s like they don’t even care about Y/N.

“… And what if she likes girls??” Jessica asks, voice lowered and ready to strike; an eyebrow raised.

And well, none of us are homophobes- but one of us is real opportunistic. “Well then it’s a good thing she has me to teach her how to charm them, eh señorita?~” Greasy leers once again, licking his chops at Jessica and leaning dangerously close to her- half off his seat.

Before he can touch her, though, or Smartass can throw something at him, Jessica trips his chair and he falls over. Which makes Y/N giggle, from over by the cubby.

“Then she’s doomed… “Jessica sighs, not even looking at him sprawled pathetically on the damn floor, which I am. C’mon man, get it together.

She’s right, though, poor kid-

“- Hey Daddy,” Y/N suddenly appears at her father side, and he turns in his seat to raise a brow at her. Yeah? “Can I go play in the playground now with Ritchie?”

“Yeah sure, kid. Stupid’ll come in after ya when your foods here.”

“Uhuhhh, I will!!”

“Thank you daddyy!” Giving her dad a cute little thigh pat, Y/N turns around bounces off to the playground with that rabbit kid. Yep- bounces. He’s rubbing off on her and damn, its gotta stop. The girl cannot be bouncing through life, no ones gonna be scared of her that way. “I’m gonna scale it!!”

Roger looks alarmed, at that - he must be all too familiar with the dangers of play equipment to, be fair, after that short with that creep Herman at the playground, -, but none of the rest of us react. The boss just looks at the menu once more, she can scale the playground if she wants.

“Oh- wait, what is she gonna eat??” Jessica pipes up, partly alarmed also, for one of them is gonna have to go in after her and find her in that playground maze- but, luckily, boss’s a good dad.

He recites Y/N’s order without looing up- and it’s a complicated one. Our girl’s picky as hell, growing up with Greasy’s high standards and experimenting with Psycho and Stupid will do that. -And the boss knows exactly what his little weasel likes, anyway. He knows it without even looking up from his menu.

… Jessica looks slightly impressed again at him, and I release a short chuckle.

Cuz yeah- he’s good.

~ “-Señora!! Come back!” Greasy calls after a retreating back, turned around in his seat.

“- Come here, little raaabbiiitttt… hehehe… “Psycho giggles, tip-toeing after a terrified bunny.

“- OY! STOP SMOKING IN THE DINING ROOM!” A manager yells, spotting me. Oh, fuck-

“- Yeahh Rogerrr… come back here!” Stupid laughs, following behind Psycho.

“- Oops,” I shrug, nervously. That manager does not look like a fun, easy-going kind of guy.

“- Get away from me.” Jessica hisses, scowling and heading round the table.

“- This is why we can’t go to nice places!” The boss finally gives in, the chaos building around him too much to not be furious at, and throws a plate at Greasy- knocking him out immediately. He flops to the ground like a rag.

“THAT’S IT! ALL OF YOU, OUT!”

-annnnnd, we’re all kicked outta the restaurant, Greasy’s unconscious body chucked out after us. “AND STAY OUT!” Yep, shoulda assumed this would happen. Oh well, at least I can smoke, now-

As Roger nervously frowns and asks, ‘Gee, hey aren’t… a-a-aren't Ritchie and Y/N... still in there??’, and Smartass and Jessica promptly lose their damn minds, rushing up to the door again and demanding to be let back in, Greasy slowly wakes up next to me. He’s confused.

“How did I get here?... “

“You were bein’ a pervert.” I offer helpfully, lighting a couple cigs. He nods, like ah…

Y/N and Ritchie appear at the door, then, looking through the glass at us… unsurprised, honestly. Y/N’s got her arms crossed and she’s tapping her foot on the ground, looking like the spitting image of her dad, while Ritchie’s laughing maniacally and… huh, yeah, maybe I don’t mind the guy. I’d laugh too, seeing this. All the adults in their lives all out on our asses in the street.

Yeah… that’s pretty funny. Heh.

“… sweetheart, could you let daddy back inside?” Smartass tries, but you can tell he doesn’t really expect her to help him- he knows what’s gonna happen- he knows her. And she’s him.

… For a moment though, she actually looks responsive to his request, and I raise a brow. Oh really, kid-

“Come this way Miss, the cake is ready!” The manager suddenly appears behind both the kids though, gesturing towards our table which now has a huge (Favourite flavour) cake set on it- Jessica and Roger must have set that up before we got here. “We heard you’re a fan of (favourite flavour)?... “

“I told them.” Ritchie grins, tapping Y/N's shoulder and nodding.

You don’t have to tell Y/N twice that there’s cake- she leaves us in the dust rushing back to the table. Smartass is left shaking a fist after the manager.

[slashingdisneypasta]

Wheezy Weasel x Fem!Reader x Greasy Weasel || Oneshot

Plot: Inspired by 'Bro Code' by Brantley Gilbert. Reader and Greasy have been growing apart; He's rarely around to spend time with you, which is leaving you to spend a lot more time, alone, with Wheezy, and... feelings start to develop... Wheezy decides to do the respectful thing and warn Greasy about it.

Better show that girl a good time If you don't, it's gon' be goodbye And if you take it for granted You hand her to another man It's a matter of time, bro

It's a matter of time

Now, I know it ain't my business But I gotta insist that if this was somebody else Your deal is already finished because Bro code goes out the window Just be glad it's me lettin' you know, bro

Warnings: Me writing serious romance stuffs for toon gangster weasels. ... Love triangle? XD I'd say its handled pretty well though

"Hey Wheezy!"

"Hey- " You plop down on the couch with him suddenly; Your head in his lap. It honestly surprises him for a moment, the affection - though not unwelcome, - having come out of nowhere and could be interpreted as innapropriate, by some people... considering who you really belonged too around here. "Y/N... "

Giving a little, teasing smile, you dont address the elephant in the room- deciding to rather just move on, fiddling with your fingers above your stomach. "What are you up to, tonight?"

"Smokin'... " Obviously. "Was gonna watch some TV, too. Nothing much- nothing exciting, anyway. What are you doing? Wasn't Greasy taking you out somewhere, tonight?"

At this, the mention of your boyfriend, the bright light flickers out of your pretty eyes a little bit. You look away from his face, a frown tugging at your lips. Wheezy frowns, too, the three cigerettes he was puffing away on held away from his face between two fingers; This can't be good. "Oh! We were... " Your voice is polite, almost cheerful still in a totally fake, forced kind of way. "But, um... I guess we got our signals crossed, or something. I thought I was supposed to meet him here now, but Smarty says Greasy's out doing something for him tonight, so... " Giving little shrug, you force the sadness out of your eyes and take a deep breath. Wheezy's frown only worsens, though. That explains why you look so nice... well, nicer then usual. That seems to be happening damn often, recently, too. "I'm free, now! Was hopin' you might be willing to share your evening, with me?"

... There's a cheeky glint in your eyes that Wheezy can't help grinning back at, shaking his head. "Yeah, sure. Whatcha wanna watch?"

"Oh!" You hop up off his lap and into a sitting position, crossing your legs and picking up the remote- focused on the TV. "I have the best movie in mind. I think its started already, but not too long ago so we should be fine. You'll love it! Promise."

~

"This is the dumbest fucking movie I have ever seen Y/N- " Wheezy's saying, much to your dismay even though you grin- his frustration a source of amusement, to you. He's cute, you decide; His words are biting, but the expression on his face is soft, and relaxed. You like it. You like him- he's a good friend!

"No way!-" Giggling, you shake your head at him.

"Dont you show this to the boss, he'll blow a gasket. Is this supposed to be gang representation? Hell- "

"Its the best kind of gang representation!" You reply, not looking at him as he turns to give you most incredulous look possible. "... makes you guys look so dumb- fella's watchin'll think they can outsmart you and be so much easier to deal with, don'tcha think?"

"Pfft," Wheezy rolls his eyes, but he's grinning; Theres something cute about your theory, there. He's gotta admit. "We gotta deal with enough idiots, don't you be pushing any more on us."

"Hmm," Humming, you lean back into the cushions behind you; Eyes glued to the screen as some 'gangsters' play a game of poker. "Plus, they're all gorgeous... would you say that's misrepresentation, too?"

He scoffs again, shaking his head. "Depends on the gang, doll."

As soon as that slips out of his mouth, he just about has a stroke and freezes to the spot as you just continues to watch the movie, like she didnt hear it. Hanging out with your pal's girl all alone is one thing, even sitting this close to her can be interpreted as a close friendship, but calling her doll?? Thats got to be breaking every damn rule there is about pal's and their ladies. Greasy would lose his damn mind if he heard that, and Wheezy wouldn't really be able to blame him.

Except... you didnt react at all to him using that name with you- for you. As well as the fact that you haven't been seeing much of Greasy, lately. At all. He hasn't been around. And not just for a week, no- you two have been missing eachother for months now, slowly drifting apart. Greasy used to stress out like the damn Queen was coming over to the apartment if he ever had to dissapoint you, the two of you used to be so attached to eachother all the time that it made everyone else sick (And really uncomfortable, at times), you used to hang out in Greasy's room if he wasn't around when he said he would be... But not anymore. For weeks now you've been spending your time with him - Wheezy, - , almost treating him like your boyfriend...

Like a stand-in. But that doesn't mean that when you're together you aren't treating him like him- that you're using him as a place holder for Greasy at all, no- its just... like...

Instead of Greasy getting to spend his nights with your legs in his lap- it's Wheezy. Instead of Greasy getting to make you laugh- it's Wheezy. Instead of Greasy making you smile... its Wheezy.

And he doesn't think he should really have to feel guilty for enjoying it, anymore.

It's time to give Greasy a warning, Wheezy decides as he relaxes back into the cushions to watch the rest of this dumb movie that you like.

If Greasy doesn't buck up, soon, then he's going to let you know that he's throwing his hat into the ring.

~

Greasy's eyes are narrowed after what Wheezy says, disbelief and betrayal written all over his face. "... what, amigo?" His voice is quiet but emotionless, giving Wheezy one chance to take it back, his proclamation. His absurd, ridiculous, traitorous proclamation. If he did, then all would be fine- he would forgive and forget it. You're beautiful, and wonderful... he cant blame the man for falling under your spell for a moment. But if he doesnt-

"You heard me Grease." Intimidation is one of Greasy's favourite tactics- Wheezy's close to him, so he knows that. Plus... you can't really be intimidated by a man after you've heard him singing in the shower. "... I'm just warning you. As it is I'm not gonna do a thing, not unless she makes a move on me, because you're my friend- but if you don't start putting in more of an effort again, stop standin' your girl up... you're gonna lose her. And it might be, to me."

"Hm. Brave, fumador, you're very brave... So, am I to believe you haven't don't anything behind my back?"

"Yes."

... Greasy nods. He believes him- of course he does. Like Wheezy said, they're friends. He knows when he's lying and when he's telling the earnest truth, and besides he trusts him.

... and also- Wheezy isn't the lying type. Never has been. Greasy has never really had to worry about that, with him.

So... that brings him to a different thought. Another issue. One that makes his heart restrict inside his chest. "So then... Y/N... she has been sad? Missing m- "

Wheezy rolls his eyes deeply and groans, his hands in his pockets so he doesnt smack Greasy. "Of course she's been fucken sad, you little freak. She loves you, moron. And you've been everywhere but with her- where you should be." Some 'ladies man', this one. Wheezy thinks. Doesn't even know when he's making the biggest damn mistake of his life.

Sure, it might be Wheezy's gain... this mistake of Greasy's... but he won't take it lightly. This is a fucked up situation they're in, and whoever ends up with her is going to have to live with knowing the other is having to live without.

Greasy's heart squeezes and squeezes... forcing him quiet as thoughts rush through his mind about how bad he feels and how he didn't realise this, his working more lately, would affect her badly... and how if he had then he would have never...

Ugh, he thinks. He wishes he could say he was doing it for more money, to buy her an engagement ring or something... but he was not. Dammit.

... thats a prety good idea actually. Maybe he can still do that-

"What the hell are you two morons doing in my kitchen?" Smartass suddenly appears in the doorway, catching both their attentions with his frustrated tone. Greasy opens his mouth to explain, but their boss is already on it. "What I tell you??? No snacks past 6.30! Dinner's in the damn oven- what do you want from me here?? Damn vultures. What- you can't wait 15 minutes?? Sheesh."

This time Wheezy opens his mouth to explain for them both, but also gets cut off as Smartass pulls on two oven mitts. "And Y/N's just got here. Go bother her for a while, wouldja?? Both of you. Out."

Barely a millisecond passes and Greasy is already out the door, leaving a Greasy-shaped dust cloud behind him as he races to find you. Wheezy takes another moment, sucking in a good long puff of tobacco, before strolling after him.

When he finds you, standing by the billards table with Psycho and Stupid, Greasy's already attached himself to you like a damn leach.

"-so sorry, mi vida... Lo siento, Y/N... All my apologies... I didn't realise that I had been gone so much... " He's trailing kisses all over you- your cheeks, your forehead, down your neck... Psycho scowls at you both, before covering his eyes. Wheezy wishes he could do the same without feeling like a fricken 12 year old. "I mean of course I noticed you were away from me... and I missed you but-... you know? Why don't we go and spend some time- alone?~ " Finally he pulls back, looking you in the eye, a flirtation smirk on his face. "I will be sure to thoroughly make it up to you for my mistakes. Prometo~ "

Giving a giggle at it, you allow yourself to fall right back into familiar patterns, with him; Tucking hair behind your ear and letting your hands fall to his arms as he holds you, and tilting your head to the side. "I don't know~ Why don't we?"

You're just glad he's back.

Wheezy watches Greasy's wolf-like smirk broaden, all sorts of - likely, - depraved shit going in his head, and lean into your ear. He whispers something you that has your eyes widening and your fingers tightening onto his suit.

... you look cute as hell, but Wheezy would rather not know what it was that had that affect on you. Or at least not until he can figure it out himself.

Then Greasy's disconnecting from you, pressing one final lasting kiss onto your cheek, before heading to his room. You would follow in a moment, absolutely, but you're just reeling for a moment from how he went from 0 to 100 all of a sudden.

... woof. You give a smile, shaking your head. Whatever it was, you aren't about to question it. When you notice Wheezy standing in the doorway, smoking to himself, you catch his gaze and give a bright grin. He's back, you mouth, pleased.

He nods, blowing smoke. Yep... "Sure is."

Approaching him, you hold your arms behind your back and stand just beside him; Watching the Psycho and Stupid play billiards while Wheezy watches you. "I wonder what knocked some sense into him?... or who???" You ask, twisting in place and carefully peering up at him.

Immediatly he looks away, taking a draw from a cigerette. "Oh- don't give me the credit. It was allll him."

Without really thinking, you throw your arms around Wheezy; Giving him what was supposed to be a quick, warm hug. Of thanks.

But then he wraps his arms around you too, and you pull back not far... just enough to look at eachother and for a split moment, with both your heads slightly at an angle and your breath on eachothers lips you stay there; Inches apart and hearts beating erratically inside chests.

Something changed in the few seconds you were hugging him. The way you looked at him all of a sudden was different, like- realisation. Then surprise.

Then horror.

Quickly you wipe the wide-eyed look off your face and cautiously let go of Wheezy, stepping back. Theres a heat in your cheeks betraying you. Wheezy- you think, an odd and terrifying mix of shock and something really lovely and warm swarming inside your chest. Tall, laid back, sexy, comfortable... Wheezy.

You must look at him for too long, because he reaches out to grab your hand. "Y/N? Are you- "

Quickly you yank your hand out of jis reagh, surprising him. "Um- I'm fine! Yeah, I just- Greasy. I gotta go to Greasy. So- um- yeah. Uh, bye!"

Then you flash a awkward smile, to comfort him and show everything is alright, then rush up the stairs to Greasy's room.

[slashingdisneypasta]

Human!Greasy Weasel x AFAB!Reader || Oneshot

Plot: You find your best friend in his room with the lights off and a sheet over the mirror. // You and Greasy have been best friends your whole lives, and when you were around 16 you made a set of rules with each other to keep each other- one of which was No fucking. You’re about to break that rule.

You said you need to lose two or three

You’d never say all that to me.

//

I hate hearing you say that

Oh, that comparison game, it will never play fair.

Say you ain’t beautiful, let me stop you right there.

(That’s My Friend You’re Talkin’ About, Tenille Arts)

Warnings: Body negativity (Body positivity too, though. It wins.), and smut (Mentions of reader having a pussy and boobs, and Greasy cumming inside). Unedited for now apart from the smut, its bedtime.

Tags: @disney-android-foundation , @marinerainbow , @moxiiscool , @ryantryan6969 , and @spookiifi . I hope y'all like this 😅 Please let me know if you want to make any changes to the conditions of me tagging you in things! 😅😅 Have a wonderfulll day ^^

After unlocking the door with your own key, a gift from Greasy on your birthday last year along with a note that said you’re always welcome in his room~ and a voucher for a spa day, you slip out of your coat and hang it up beside Smartass’ pink jacket and kick the door closed behind you. Its freezing outside, but its lovely in here. Psycho must have messed with the thermostat when Smartass wasn’t looking, you guess. Ohh, he is not going to be happy when he realises… and, God, you hope to see it. You love the chaos around here- if you could live here, you totally would! Alas, you’re just another mouth to feed to Smarty, so you just make do with coming over all the time.

As you make your way through the house, looking for Greasy, you steal an apple from the bowl in the kitchen - not a banana. You learnt the hard way that your poor, perverted friend can’t handle that. No phallic foods when he’s around, that’s one of your friendship’s rules, and a pretty important one in fact just under ‘No fucking’, - when no ones looking, and flash Stupid a smile when he waives at you. He’s so sweet, if you could steal anyone from this house it would definitely be him. Unfortunately, Smartass is pretty touchy about the idea of you adopting any of his men.

When the boss notices you’re there, looking up from the stove with a tired sigh, you give him a waive too- but he’s not as reciprocal as Stupid is. He rolls his eyes and groans, looking back to the veggies he’s frying. “What are you doin’ here… “

“Why do you think?” You ask, holding the stolen apple behind your back and leaning against the kitchen wall.

Instead of answering your question, which was rhetorical anyway, Smartass shakes his head. “Why you gotta… Ugh. You make my life harder.”

You give a sigh, fake sympathetic. “Oh, I know.” He loves you really. He just doesn’t know it; He’s not in contact with those emotions.

“You’re a bad influence on my boys.” He continues, all woe-is-me as he stares into his lifeless, soulless vegetables.

“Sorry, ma’am, but I knew at least one of them before you did- I have jurisdiction on him!”

“Whatever,” Smartass rolls his eyes again. “Get outta my kitchen. Dinner’s on in an hour, and you betta eat everything tonight or you’re stayin’ back ta do the dishes.”

As Smartass isn’t looking at you and you’re turning around anyway, towards the door, you take out the apple and rub it on your shirt sleeve. “Yessir- “You almost bump into another member of the household slipping into the kitchen, but he catches you by the arms and guides you around- so you’re out, and he’s in. A warm smile immediately slips across your face. You always had a thing for this one. “Wheezy- Hi! Looking especially rugged, today.”

“Hey, Y/N… thanks.”

“You’re welcome~”

He rolls those steal blue eyes up towards the ceiling, one corner of his mouth not impeded by cigarettes quirks up, and you feel like absolutely melting. “… Yeah. Well. I’m gonna go. But- you’re here to cheer up Grease, right?”

… That’s odd. What? Why would Greasy need cheering up? The confused, suddenly serious look on your face tells Wheezy all he needed to know and he gives a heavy, smoky sigh; Twisting his body to look at his boss. You follow his gaze, an eyebrow raising. “Y’didn’t tell em?”

“They’re gonna find out when they smell the enchiladas all the way down the hall. Why should I?”

“Enchiladas of Despair??” You ask, eyes wide and concerned. Greasy only makes enchiladas when he’s sad. They’re his comfort food. What happened???

“Mhm, yeah. Enchiladas of despair.” Wheezy nods in agreement, sucking in a good draw of tobacco before talking again. “… He’s in bad shape, Y/N. I was just gonna say, if you’re here to fix ‘em- be careful. Stupid went up there earlier and tried to bribe him out and the guy came down crying.” 

Eyes going even wider, not even attempting to hide your apple from Smartass anymore as it hangs in your hand where he can see it, you frown deeper. “He made Stupid cry??”

“Yeah, but you know Stupid. He probably forgot- he’s happy as a fiddle, now, watchin’ his cartoons.”

That’s a tiny relief. “Okay. I’m gonna go see what I can do now- “Quickly, you give Wheezy’s arm a squeeze, before turning to head up the stairs. “Thank you.”

“Goodluck!”

~

When you reach Greasy’s room you just walk right in, closing the door behind you again and plunging you both into the darkness inside. And yep, you can definitely smell the enchiladas. But what’s weirder? You can see them. They’re sitting untouched, probably cold now, on the dresser. The fork beside it is clean.

With lips pursed, you continue to take a survey of the room, noticing that its mostly normal - tidy, apart from the creepy pictures of women taken by perverts, ripped out of magazines, and tacked to one wall by Greasy, which looks like an insane shrine… but that’s normal, -, except for the enchiladas and… his mirror.

Its just a frameless mirror leant on one of the walls that Greasy uses to do his hair in the morning, but right now its covered with a sheet- and your heart plummets into your stomach, seeing that. You can take an educated guess at what this is about. You’ve been there.

Feeling sick thinking about what he must be feeling right now, you push further into the room, finding him sitting very still on the ground behind his bed; His back against the frame. His hat is on, tugged over his eyes and he’s curled up tight, his knees hugged into his chest. When you sit down beside him you notice that he’s fully dressed still, from his shoes to his jacket and his tie. He looks prim and proper. Handsome as ever.

But the look on his face is terrible. Its like... like… like all those self-deprecating thoughts people think about themselves, he is having. And it’s overwhelming him.

Your heart bleeds, seeing him like that.

Ever-so-gently, you reach over and graze the brim of his hat, pushing it up his forehead. “Hey Greasy… “You start, whispering. You want to reach over and just cuddle him until he feels better, hold your friend until he smiles and says something about your boobs, but you wouldn’t want to be touched right now so you assume he doesn’t. But its torture. “… What happened?... “

For a few moments, he doesn’t say a damn thing. Refusing to even move. But you know your friend, you’ve been stead-fast in each other’s lives for over 2 decades, and you know to be patient. Don’t force him, he’ll just lash out… but don’t leave him either, he needs you.

Finally, he lets out a huff, shifting to hold his arms over his knees instead; Clenching and unclenching his fists. The tendons in his arms move, before he viciously tugs down his sleeves. “Nothing happened, hermosa.” The words that come out from between his teeth are poisonous, the tone in his voice actually painful to hear, but you don’t back down. He still calls you sweet nicknames; He wants you here.

He always wants you here.

Sighing, you affectionately run your hand over his arm closest to you; From his shoulder to his wrist, then back up and you squeeze his shoulder. “… Are you sure?? I hate to see you like his.”

“I’m absolutely fine.”

Here, you just give him a very sad look, and brown eyes watch you carefully in the dark; Reading you, assessing you, just knowing that you’re there, and you don’t look like you’re moving any time soon, which you are not- not until he’s better.

“… I need to lose weight.”

“You what?!”

“Well, I’m not Stupid, but- I have fat. And it must go. I… its wrong. It has to go. I can’t- I can’t be so weak. I need to not eat, so much. Then- then I will be attractive… sí?”

“No, not sí. You are attractive, Greasy! Very! And you need to eat!”

“I have a pot belly, Y/N… that isn’t good.”

“Your pot belly is sexy.” You insist defiantly, refusing to accept this. No! When he rolls his eyes at you, a venomous look in them, and attempts to look away from you- brush you off as a kind friend- your jaw drops. Nope- he is not going to shut you up that easily. No.

You get up from your spot next to him and put yourself directly in front of him, a look of determination on your face. “I know you don’t want to hear this right now but I’m never gonna stop saying it. You are handsome, Greasy. You’re hot. You’re my best friend and I wouldn’t let anyone else say that about you- and I won’t let you say it about yourself. You can lose weight if you want, fine, I’ll help you- but you do not have to. If someone can’t appreciate belly and hips, then they are missing out.”

… He looks displeased. “This is not about others’ perceptions. “Oh, bullshit. “This is about me not enjoying the way I look in the mirror. I like the way that Wheezy looks, he is… that, is good. That is what I want.”

“Wheezy lives on a diet of tobacco and breath mints. Greasy, you hate smoking and you love food- you can’t live like that!”

“You find him attractive!” Greasy insists, getting loud. “Are you going to deny it?? You’ve told me a million times that you like him- that he is sexy- you can’t act like you don’t, now. You’re a terrible liar.”

“I don’t want to deny it! But there are different kinds of attractive, Grease! I’ve also said I’d fuck Stupid, if you remember. And Smartass. And Psycho, though god knows that would go terrible.” Dropping down onto your heels, you give him a serious look. “Don’t compare yourself to others- you’ll never win that game. No one wins that game.”

“You don’t understand- “

“Greasy.” There’s a pleading tone in your voice.

“What?” There’s a sharp one in his.

… Oh, for gods sake. You can’t talk over his knees like this. There’s no resistance when you push his knees apart and move in between them, putting your hand son his shoulders and making him look at you; Even with that nasty, mean, defensive-offensive look on his face. Squeezing his shoulders, you force a soft look on your face. “… I love you.”

… He’s forced to let out a gentle, though quite exasperated sigh, at you. “I know that, hermosa- “

“Ah ah ah- “You’re not finished, so you gently cut him off; Holding up a firm finger to him. “And, I wouldn’t lie to you.”

Greasy sneers. “Not even to spare my feelings?”

“No.” 

This makes him stop, looking dubiously at you. “… you wouldn’t, huh?” He doesn’t sound like he believes you. The ghost of that sneer is still on his face.

“When have I ever let it fly when you acted like a pig?” Here, he doesn’t say a word. You caught him. “Never, I have never acted okay with that. You’re a dog and creep-and-a-half and I’ve called the police on you myself a couple of times.”

“… oh yeah. I remember that.”

“I posted bail for you in the morning, but still.”

“Okay, your point has been made.”

Good. Smirking in victory, you set your hands once again on his shoulders and lean down to press your forehead gently against your best friend’s. “… So when I say you’re hot as hell, Grease… I mean it. Do you give in?”

Finally, you can feel the muscles in his body relax and watch a gentle smirk back spreads across his mouth- which is devastatingly attractive, and you appreciate seeing it. “… You force my hand, mi vida.”

In response you just hum, your smirk turning into a pleased grin as you lean in further and hug him like you wanted to from the start.

~

A few minutes later and the two of you are picking at the lukewarm enchiladas and chatting away like normal. Greasy’s just taking gradual bites but you’re just happy to see him eating (Who cares if neither of you are hungry for Smartass’ dinner). He teases you about how hot you find him, he wonders how you have hidden the fact that you want to sleep with him so badly all these years, and you laugh. You roll your eyes.

You say ‘you’re lucky you’re cute’, and like it when he grins.

It’s a couple of minutes even later, when you’ve pushed the plate aside and you’re sitting side-by-side, your shoulders touching, that you kiss.

It’s not an unexpected thing, you’re not taken by a sudden urge; You feel it bubbling up when you turn and see a look in his warm brown eyes. Your faces were already so close and you could feel his breath on your lips, that it didn’t feel crazy at all to lean over and mould your lips together.

The kiss is slow, but hot, open-mouthed almost immediately because you both know what you want and you know each other too well, you like each other too much, to beat around the bush. You don't need it. It’s an excellent kiss, you admit. You’ve never known anyone who kisses you the way you truly wanted them to… until Greasy.

And really, you’re not particularly surprised by that fact.

The way your heads are tilted against each other allows your mouths to connect in a perfect, sensual way, and his tongue feels like magic against yours. It takes everything in you to pull back for air.

“… we shouldn’t. The rules- “

“Oh, we were destined to break the rules, mi vida. You and I both know it.”

“… “Well, he’s not wrong. Instead of arguing even a moment more, you let him connect your lips once more and move to straddle his hips. Its not long making-out that Greasy gives a growl into your mouth and pulls at your hips- grinding you against the firm bulge in his pants that you’ve seen something like million times, before (You never thought you would be the one preparing to sink down on it). Your breath hitches, your cheeks and neck burning hot in the still-dark room as you let your hands feel down your best friend’s body; From his neck, to his chest, to his belly. When you go there, he growls once again and deepens the kiss on you, using his tongue against you in an evil way that would definitely have made your knees completely buckle if you had been standing.

When kissing isn’t enough anymore, when you’re curious for more of him and he’s desperate to touch places he’s only considered (Pictured, imagined, fantasised about) before, you leave his lips behind and lay back on the ground- guiding him after you. “Show me your moves, Grease.”

“Trust me, cariño, I plan to.”

“How do you say it in Spanish?... por favor?... “Your fingers find his belt and work carefully at undoing it while Greasy presses kisses all along your jaw…

… then down your neck… “You say that with the grace of a native, cariño.” ... over your breasts through your shirt...

“Ha,” You give a giggle, high off the lust and his company, and getting his pants undone. You know you jumbled ‘por favor’. “Very smooth.”

He leaves your heated skin for a moment, just to raise himself high enough to smirk darkly down at you. “I try.”

While he’s looking at you, you raise your brows and reach into his plain white boxers- pulling out his length while watching his expression. His smirk immediately crumples, and its so hot, he wants so badly to just fuck. Even if its just your hand, even if its just the air. He’s a desperate little whore… he’s so lucky you’re no better.

You’ve never felt so wet and ready just from kissing, just from touching him. You guess Greasy is special.

When his eyes flicker over you, breathing heavily underneath him, and realises that your pants are still on he gives a disappointed frown and shakes his head; Going to rectify the issue immediately. “Estos no están ayudando. Estos tienen que irse. ¿Por qué siguen aquí? Necesito verte ahora mismo.” His fingers are cold on your skin but you help him anyway, lifting your hips for him and then kicking off the clothing completely when he manages to yank it down your thighs and your calves. “… remind me to taste you some time.” He says, breathy, laying eyes on your perfect, sloppy cunt.

“I definitely, will.”

“Good.”

It feels like you have been waiting for this for years, like all this time has been foreplay and finally, you were both ready. Finally, you were able to guide the head of his aching, hot cock to your slippery entrance. When the tip rubs against your clit you give a sweet, needy sigh, just before Greasy thrusts the rest of the way inside you and that sweet little sigh becomes a slutty moan; Raising your hips up against his simultaneously.

You say things that would be embarrassing if you were with anyone but him; Begging things, needy things, desperate things- anything to make him fuck you harder. You just want him, all of him. You want his width stretching your pussy wide open, you want his tip kissing your cervix, you want his balls hitting your ass every time he pushes all the way in again-

You want his lips against yours, you want his shoulders beneath your hands, the feel of his familiar green zoot suit under your fingertips, the toxic smell of his cologne and his hair products, the taste of his skin on your tongue.

You didn’t know fucking your best friend could be this intoxicating- if you had, you probably wouldn’t have wasted all that time trying to get Wheezy.

Greasy’s talking, too- all Spanish, all fast and unintelligible, but by the way he’s pounding you with all his strength, you can tell that it must be a rave. When you knock his hat off and lose your fingers in his hair, opening your thighs up wider too and arching up into him, you swear you hear the word pornstar amongst all the growly Spanish.

Somewhere amid the horny lust-fuelled haze, like you’re just too dumb teenagers wanting to fuck each other’s brains out because its all so new and exciting, you vaguely consider where he’s going to cum. But those thoughts get lost when he changes pace and angle.

When he does cum, it is somehow at the exact same time as you do- you both experience the black-out pleasure of orgasm together, your pussy squeezing him for absolutely everything he has like a python or a divorce lawyer.

… You lay for a minute once its over, Greasy still inside of you and his nose buried in your neck, your eyelids fallen shut and just relaxing in the dark… peaceful grins on both your faces. “For the record, hermosa… I love you deeply, as well. I don’t think I said that… “Greasy mutters clearly to you, though its slightly muffled by your shirt. Giving a giggle, you throw your arm over your eyes and nod. Yeah, you know.

After another moment, Greasy takes a deep breath and lifts himself away from you. When you open your eyes to see what he’s doing, he’s standing above you and offering you his hand, which you take without a second thought.

He leads you up and into his bed, which he slips into as well, cuddling into you once again.

Neither of you would be finishing Smartass’ dinner tonight. You wouldn't even leave the bed.

[slashingdisneypasta]

PLATONIC FAMILIAL!Toon Patrol x Smartass'Daughter!Reader || Oneshot [Part 4]

Title: Her First Friend

Notes:

The next chapter is my favourite!! It'll be in Wheezy's POV ^^

So my headcanon for 'Ritchie Rabbit', Roger and Jessica's kid in this, is that they adopted him ^^ Also, his colour is gonna be yellow but Roger and Jessica wont have colour 😅 Just the Toon Patrol and the kiddies. Sorry!

This chapter was really hard for me, so sorry for the long wait!! Stupid POV is soooo hard.

Plot: A baby girl is left on the Toon Patrol's front door step and now they take her for picnic days at the playground ^^

Warnings: The usual Toon Patrol shenanigans XD ...

Stupid Weasels POV

"Duh, yay! The playground! Hurry now Y/N, we gotta get to the swings before someone else beats us!" I exclaim when we pull into the parking lot, turning and holding out my hands to take her from her favourite spot in the world- Wheezy's lap.

... No seriously. Its definitely her favourite. SHE NEVER LEAVES.

I wake up in the morning, Y/N's having her breakfast in Wheezy's lap. I get up in the middle of the night cuz she's crying, Y/N's in Wheezy's lap and she's not crying anymore. We have a meal together, she's in Wheezy's lap. The sky starts to fall- she will be sitting in Wheezy's lap!!!

And- nooo. No, no. I'm not jealous. That's what Greasy says, but he's wrong!

"Alright, alright, fall out boys. We're here." The boss pulls the truck to a sudden stop, jolting us all, and hops out to swing the back doors open for us. Y/N giggles and clutches my head as I set her up on my shoulders and jump out- rushing for the swings and making her squeal up there. "OY!" The boss yells after us, a liiiiittle bit of terror in his voice. "REMEMBER DUMBO- YOU DROP HER YOU DIE!!"

Yeah, yeah- I know Boss! Duh!

Still, I slow down a bit though- and Psycho immediately zooms past us like the Tasmanian devil, and steals the very last swing. I halt in my tracks, then, and think maybe I could yank him off it??... "Psychooo!"

He gives an evil little laugh, and holds out his arms for Y/N. "You snooze you lose!~ Now c'mon Y/N!!~ Come to Psychoo~ "

... No. I dont wanna give her up. We were gonna go super high and- Oh, Y/N, you want to go to Psycho? Okay then!~ I happily hand her over to Psycho when he pats his lap and she wiggles around in my hold- reaching and grabbing for him. Then I bound around behind them and push them.

I got gentle, at first, as Psycho perks up and looks around like a meerkat for the boss. We spot him, past the slide at a picnic table setting up the food with Greasy - Wheezy's not allowed to help with food. He has to go sit at least 20 feet away, because the Boss thinks he packed 'cancer pie' or something, - and not paying attention to us at all. "... Now!" Psycho exclaims, which is the signal that I can push them harder.

"Okie Dokie!~ " I sing. "Hold on tightly to Y/N, Psycho~ " As he wraps his arms around Y/N and hunkers down over her so his chin rests on her head, I take the swing seat in both my hands and I lift them good and high.

Then I drop them, and when they come back to me I start pushing as hard as I can.

This what we have to do whenever we come to the playground, because if the Boss catches us putting Y/N in danger then he'll shoot us- or put our heads in a toilet- or kick us some place not nice. He would probably hate it if he found out we do this, but Psycho says what Smartass doesn't know wont hurt him~, so I guess its okay!

"- Oh hi, guys!! Can I have a go next??" I hear a familiar voice behind me, and turn my head as Psycho and Y/N slow down on the swing because I'm not pushing anymore- surprised at what I see. A... rabbit? A cute little rabbit, a little older then Y/N, and for some reason he's... kind of... familiar?? He doesn't look like anyone I know, I don't think, but the clothes... There is something about those clothes... little suspenders, and tow tie... hmm... huhh...

Could it be... "Roger?~" Psycho lets out a giggle, spying the rabbit himself behind a tree a next to the playground.

Before Psycho can hop off the swing and go over to Roger, the little rabbit speaks to us again. "My daddy says he knows you guys!" Yes, he does! "Except her," He points to Y/N, and she raises her little paw to waive- a cheerful little smile on her face. "Hi! I'm Ritchie! Who are you?" 'Ritchie' walks over (When- I don't understand- shouldn't he hop??) and gets on his tip toes to peak over Psychos lap, to her. Psycho doesn't seem to notice at all as I 'supervise', his freaky swirly eyes glued to Roger's form trembling behind the tree.

"Duh, her names Lottie." I tell the little, non-hopping rabbit after Y/N makes a strange noise that almost sounds a bit like her name but not quite. She tries again, though.

"Hhh... hi... R-Ri... chi." She grins, proud of herself as she leans over a little to give Ritchie a waive. "H- Hi, Ritchie!" Giving a giggle, she repeats it again- and again- while I look around in a panic for the boss. Where did he go?? He was at the table!- "Hi Ritchie!! Ritchie, hi!"

My eyes are bugging right out of my head and so are Psycho's, tearing his gaze away from Roger to look down at Y/N with a gasp. She spoke!! Where's the Boss!? Boss- BOSS!-

Psycho jumps out of his seat with her, going to dash for the boss if we can find him- when-

We turn around, and he's already there. Standing a few feet away from the swings standing really really still, his own eyes round like dinner plates as well! He looks shocked, the hat on his head causing a shade over his face from the sun and for a few moments neither Psycho or I know what to do at all... did he hear her??... or???

Then, he smiles. The Boss SMILES (Which he's been doing a lot more often since we got Y/N, but is still freaky to look at), and comes over to ruffle his daughters hair, making her laugh. "Good girl, doll."

... her first words were 'Hi Ritchie'. While Smartass and Y/N have their father-daughter moment, Psycho and I look at eachother and groan. Aww, I was hoping it would be 'Stupid', ha! Cuz its my name! Psycho wanted it to be- oh... why's the boss smiling like that? That's kind of creepy... the evil look is in his eyes now too... what-

He whips around and points at Greasy across the playground. "HEY YOU! ASSHOLE! YOU OWE ME FIFTY BUCKS!"

"... SHE SPOKE??" All of a sudden both Greasy, and Wheezy are with us too.

"WITHOUT ME?" Wheezy exclaims, picking her up out of Psycho's arms and holding her up by the armpits in front of him; A disappointed, tired look on his face. "... babygirl, we had a deal."

"And it wasn't SPANISH??" Greasy cuts in, crossing his arms next to Wheezy and looking super betrayed at Y/N... who crosses her arms back, and sticks out her tongue at them both. Psycho giggles at her and we all ignore the little rabbit boy still among us, grinning wide and all excited like he's apart of the family. "Una linda!! After all that work we put in!!- "

"Oy. Stop harassing my kid." The Boss plucks Y/N out of Wheezy's grasp and sets her on her bum, on the ground. Then flashes Greasy another smirk. "And don't be a sore loser- it doesn't suit you, green bean. Cough up the dough."

"Losing doesn't suit me, you cranky old bastardo- but," Greasy sighs, defeated as he reaches into his pocket. "Fine."

"That's right pal," While Smartass continues to rub it in as he counts his new money, Roger finally slips out from behind his tree, sneaks over to us, grabs little Roger by the arm and 'stage sneaks' away. Or tries to. The Boss catches him red-handed. "Ohhh... and look what we got here, boys... a bunny rabbit trynna sneak away undetected... "

Some of us chuckle- even though its not funny. Wheezy told me, though, that when the boss says something kinda spooky like that in that low voice- we gotta chuckle menacingly after. He says it intimidates people.

I don't know about that, but whatever~ Wheezy's smart, so I guess he must be right.

And it sure stops Roger in his tracks!

"Ohhhhhh h-h-heyyy, guys... long time no see... " He ducks his head low, not looking at any of us as he itches the back of his foot with the other one. We surround him, so he cant hop away.

Smartass talks first, he always does most of the talking. He's good at it! ^^ He does some more intimidation, by acting nice- Wheezy told me about this, too. He said it unnerves people. Is it because the Boss is so mean usually? I tried to ask him that, but he just called me nimrod... "Heh heh heh, well Roger... how's it been?"

"How's the wife, eh- Oof." Greasy tries to talk, but Smartass squeezes his snout causing a sound like deflated balloon to come out of Greasy's nose and it makes me laugh. Ha ha- do that again, boss!

"Oh, uh, f- f- fine... Wonderful, actually! Jessica is just best wife in the whole world- she's so nice, and bakes me carrot cake every single week! And now we have Ritchie!" Roger gives the little rabbit a pat on the head, giving a warm smile after closing his eyes so he cant see us anymore- he tenses up pretty quick though when he opens his eyes, again. What a wierdo. "H- H- howww about you guys?? How's y- y- your babysitting sssss- serivice going??"

Chuckling, the boss tilts his head to the side; All confused. "Baby sitting service?... "

"W-well, the kid, of course! Haha." Roger gestures to Y/N. Smartass looks slowly from his kid, to Roger. "If you're not babysitting her then why would you have he- " All of sudden Roger takes all the air at the playground, sucking it all in when he gasps. "Did you kidnap her?? OH- NO- YOU'RE KIDNA- "

Wheezy gets behind Roger and slaps his hand over the rabbits mouth- holding him down as he wiggles and tries to get away~

A few parents from around the playground look up at the scene, curiosity and concern on their faces, but Psycho just gives them a little waive and Greasy gives a wink- all good here! No need to worry. "Keep that screeching down!! What are- " Smartass whisper-yells. "What are you? You trynna get us all arrested!? We are at a kids park you numbscull! Jesus christ. We didnt kidnap her! She's my kid."

"Mhm, mhm- we did a blood test if you wanna see it!" I pipe up, nodding with a smile at Roger.

... For a moment nobody moves. Roger doesn't move, the Boss doesn't movie, and none of the rest of us do either. Its awkward, and I have an itch now, but I stay as still as a statue watching Roger.

Then suddenly he screams again, louder time even though the sound is still muffled by Wheezy's paw that probably smells gross. Smartass sighs, his eyes rolling up towards the big open sky while Greasy facepalms and Psycho giggles.

I itch my butt.

Nobody notices but me, but Y/N gets up onto her fat little legs, takes Ritchie's hand and toddles - yes, toddles. She learned to walk on her second birthday last week!! it was super exciting, - over to the sandpit with him...

[slashingdisneypasta]

PLATONIC FAMILIAL!Toon Patrol x Smartass'Daughter!Reader || Oneshot [Part 1]

Title: The Trials And Tribulations of Fatherhood [Part1]

Notes:

This is a rewrite of an old story I tried to do YEARS ago. Basically, every chapter will be another excerpt of Y/N's life being raised by the Toon Patrol. New Chapter = New Year, mostly.

Its just a cute, fluffy thing that should provide endorphins, haha XD

I hope someone enjoys this! ^^

Tagging: @marinerainbow

Plot: A baby girl is left on the Toon Patrol's front door step.

Warnings: Swearing, Greasy being a bit of a perv but he can and will get worse so its barely a warning, here.

Knock!

Knock!

Knock!

"I didn't think this place had a 24 Hours sign nailed to it... " Smartass mumbles grittily, rubbing his eyes and down his snout- having been woken up by the obnoxious banging on his front door at midnight. Rolling deftly out of bed, he rifles through he takes up his gun on the way out of his room; Checking that theirs ammunition inside as he make sit down stairs and to the front door.

Which he immediately aims the gun at before throwing open.

A few bullets fly, but he there's no splat sound, or familiar thumping noise. So, confused, Smartass takes a few steps forward towards the doorway, peaking out with a huge frown on his face.

Sniffing, Smartass looks around carefully when he finds no one around at all... Scowling, he clicks his gun immediately into action again. Ding Dong Ditchers?

Well they picked the wrong- fucking- house!-

"Ey Boss?" Suddenly Wheezy, who hadn't gone to bed yet at all, strolls by behind him. And theirs a cautious tone to his voice, too, that Smartass does quite recognise. Brushing it off though, he just grunts back. "Look down."

"Why? Why? Why am I looking down... "

As soon as Smartass' eyes catch sight of the basket on the front step, blankets and fur bundled inside, and his eyes quite literally pop. Then he reals back, frazzled, rubbing his eyelids until his eyes are back in place, and peaking again at the one thing that he never expected to see on his front step, with a deep frown.

... What?

"I think its a kid." Slowly, Smartass turns to his teammate, and deadpans. Wheezy just shrugs, before stepping back when Psycho appears - also never having fallen asleep in the first place, - and taking a long drag of the cigarette between his fingers.

Still occupied staring Wheezy down like he's the biggest maroon, in all of Toon Town, Smartass doesn't have the sense to hide the baby before its too late. "Real- "

"A kid??" Psycho exclaims, eyes wide as he patters over to the basket, before, staring down unblinkingly at the kid. Smartass' jaw drops, looking from where Psycho was on one side of the door a second ago, and where he is now on the other, and wondering how the hell he managed to slip by without his notice-

That weasel is freaky.

When Psycho gets down onto his knees to get a closer look, using his nose to give the baby a good smell and see if its even alive, is when Smartass and Wheezy exchange a quick, concerned glance. "... What the hell are you doing?" Smartass asks after a moment, tearing his gaze away from Wheezy and the silent conversation they were having with eachother.

Sniffing around the babies face, Psycho gives the other two weasels a shrug. "Air tasting it- "

"ALRIGHT- " Smartass stomps over, yanking the basket up and away from his little insane housemate. There will be NO 'air tasting'. That's gotta be another house rule. ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THAT. 'Under no circumstances will anyone 'air taste' anyone else', will be put on the board first thing in the morning- FIRST THING. "You're gonna give it nightmares, is what you're gonna do. Get back, wouldja?"

Smartass stomps over, shooing Psycho and his 1000 yard stare away from the baby. Psycho just giggles, a dangerous tone to it.

Heading back over to Wheezy, Smartass allows himself to glance down at the baby- but just growls and looks away, again. 'No babies' was not a rule on the board yet either, but it should be. They do not lead a kid-friendly life, this is totally out of the question...

As Smartass was thinking, Wheezy caught sight of a note by the babies feet. Squinting, he picks it up. "Hmmm... " Flicking it open, he starts to read... and slowly, his face starts to relaxes into a state of absolute shock- Almost going slack. Wheezy doesn't oft lose his cool when he's not laughing hysterically... but his eyes go round like saucers now, and his mouth loses its nearly-permanent frown. "... B- Uh... Boss... "

"Psycho don't pick that thing out of the sewer grate- What?" Turning, and, seeing Wheezy looking at him in such an odd way- Smartass' face twists into a glower. "What!?"

Wheezy just thrusts the note into Smartass hands, and scoops the basket into his own arm. "I'll take that- you just read."

The last thing they need is for Smartass to drop the baby out of shock when he reads that thing.

... Or throw it across the street, either.

"Dear Smarty," Smartass begins, reading out loud- at which Wheezy winces, looking down at the baby. This is not going to go well, kiddo... "I'm not sure if you remember me but it might be better that way anyway. This is Y/N, and she's your daughter. Unfortunately, I am not able to take care of her so its up to you. Rena."

.. For a few holy moments, everything stays quiet, and still- except Psycho, who has made his way over to the baby... Y/N... and gives her a little sleeve-covered waive. Wheezy, though, is perfectly still. Watching his boss cautiously, waiting for the explosion. Oof...

Then Smartass' ear twitches and Wheezy covers the little girls ears just before the spartan screech comes from her... father.

"... wHO IS RENA!?"

"Gee, Boss, woulda thought you'd know... " Wheezy responds, rubbing a shoulder into his ear to get rid of the ringing- but still trying to stay calm and not place too much sarcasm in his tone. This is kind of a big, day for the guy. Becoming a dad and all.

Psycho makes a funny face at the baby, who has been jostled awake not by the screaming, or the moving around, or even the gun shots earlier by the after mentioned insane weasel booping her nose. That is, before Smartass yanks the basket from Wheezy's arms and sates straight into the face of his baby- noses nearly touching.

"She does look a bit like you!~" Psycho sings out, casually like its not going to throw Smartass for a loop some more.

Apart from looking away only to flash Psycho a deadly glare, Smartass continues to stare down his daughter.

This time, Wheezy exchanges the 'This is freaken weird' glance with Psycho, who shrugs. "Uhhh... Boss... "

"What?"

"The kid aint gonna jump ya." Smartass glares at him, then. "I mean- she might. She is your kid, but I find the possibility pretty unlikely- "

Oh, he is so funny, Smartass thinks with a deadpanned glare. "No- No, not my kid! I don't have a kid!" Smartass snaps suddenly, and Wheezy and Psycho glance at each other again. So we're doing the denial thing, then. Psycho snatches up the note himself, and reads it through silently- it sure says you have a kid... right there... "Especially not a little, soft, cute one... "

All 3 weasels are silent again for a good moment, then, Smartass thinking... before, finally, he fixes his hat - which he sleeps in, - on his head better, pulling himself together and storms back into the house. "Bring her inside."

As they follow him in, Wheezy cant help peaking at the baby over Smartass' shoulder, and shrugging before he sucks up some smoke. "Honestly your fur is pretty soft lookin', boss."

"Oh, you're right." Psycho nods, agreeing gayly with the grey weasel.

"Shut up!"

~

On entering the kitchen, Smartass has the basket - gently, - dropped onto the kitchen island in the middle of the room- catching Stupid's and Greasy's attentions quickly. They both lean over it, and peak inside. Stupid, who had awoken when Smartass blindly shot his gun outside right underneath his window, boops the girl's nose with his pinky finger in curiosity- and smiles, softly.

"Duh, she looks like a little bean... "

He does not, however, question the 'bean''s presence in his kitchen.

Greasy does, though. His eyes widened as soon as he realised that it was a baby inside the basket, and he practically jumped out of his skin and/or had a stroke when she smiled and reached out for the brim of his hat. Now he takes a deep breath, but just as he's about to make noise, Smartass holds up his hand. Silence, you.

Promptly Greasy shuts his mouth, tapping his fingers against the mug in his hands, thoughtfully. Wheezy sits down in the seat nearest to him, smoking like a house fire, and nudges him. "So when did you wake up?" Surely, it was sometime after their bosses unholy screeching- otherwise their most lady-loving compatriot would've heard 'Rena', and come running.

Slowly a wide, creepy grin slips jarringly across the Spaniards sharp mouth. "When I heard the boss scream that woman's name, of course... "

"Oh," Wheezy's brows shoot up; Pleasantly surprised. "Really? And you're in here? That's showing some restraint, there."

"Oh, well, I needed my coffee first."

"Of course." That makes sense, Wheezy thinks, shaking his head.

As Greasy takes a sip of the coffee, they all turn to Smartass again, who's leaning over the baby once more- staring it down. There isn't quite a scowl on his face and he isn't glaring, but his brows are furrowed; Thinking.

"... Ey boss- What's this?" Greasy finally pipes up again, unable to stop himself from asking what's on his mind, despite Smartass already shoving his hand in his face so uncouthly.

"Its a baby." Smartass relents, a tiny bit.

"Yes... okay. I see that. Who is it?"

"Y/N."

"Y/N who?"

"Rena's daughter."

"And who is this lovely Rena?"

"I don't know."

Eye twitching out of frustration, Greasy stops to take a deep breath. Then he spreads his hands over the bench as if laying out the information. Its like pulling teeth with this one. And neither Wheezy or Psycho move to help him; the former too busy swiping the coffee Greasy set down and the later with entertaining Y/N- Or, entraining himself, with the baby. "... Okay. Boss. Why is Y/N, daughter of Rena-Who-We-Do- Not-Know... " Here Greasy takes a quick breath. Huff. "- here?"

"Well- Apparently- My chromosomes-... are possibly... ya know... in there." The little girl smiles, and Smartass grimaces. "Somewhere deep."

"... I do not think that was English, but... " Putting two and two together, Greasy's eyes suddenly bulge out of his head. "-YOU HAVE A HIJA? YOU'RE NOT A VIRGEN AND YOU DIDNT THINK THIS WAS IMPORTANT INFORMATION? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY! AND MORE IMPORTANTLY- OHHH, I THOUGHT WE WERE AMIGOS."

Smartass immediately whips around and flings the toaster into Greasy's outraged face- sending the hysterical green-steeped weasel to the floor and of course, causing the other 3 to start giggling uncontrollably. "GET OFF MY CASE- and you maroons, stop cacklin'!"

They struggle, but they do. Wheezy letting out a long sigh and Stupid hitting his fists against the table a few times- but they manage it under their bosses evil eye. Then they all, once again, turn to the baby- Greasy picking out toaster wires from his teeth.

"So boys... what are gonna do about... this."

Stupid and Psycho look at eachother, and blink. Suddenly this team is a democracy??

"Up to you, Boss." Wheezy gives, calmly. Every the sage one in the group, as he takes a long sip of a smoke. Smartass finds himself deeply infuriated by it- how come he gets to be calm? Smartass hasn't been calm for the last 5 years.

Keeping that in mind, that he has not had a day off in 5 years anyway and that certainly isn't going to change any time soon whether... Y/N is apart of his life or not... Smartass turns back to the baby, and thinks again. She's got his nose; A sort of triangular shape. And she's a skinny little thing- also, assumedly from him. Her eyes and fur colour though... those are totally different. The big E/C eyes staring up at him are round and kind, a look he could never pull off even when he was a kid. And her fur is a very dark shade of brown, with a sort of strawberry pink belly and neck.

She's kind of cute, admittedly. She could turn out a fine young lady... Tightening his grip on the bench, Smartass grits his teeth and glares again at the kid. But he does not lead a lifestyle fit for a child! That's the fucking kicker! No matter how cute the little shit is. How is he supposed to take care of it? He can barely keep himself off the streets. How do you... feed, a baby? What do they eat? What do they DO? What is he supposed to do about it when it cries?? How do you know the difference between hungry crying, tired crying and injured crying???

Sighing tiredly, Smartass - for the first time in either of their lives, - gives a tiny little grin to her. Just between them. Because her big E/C eyes are looking up at him like they have a secret just between them, that no one can take away.

And he knows she has him when she reaches for his nose - just like hers, though she couldn't know that yet, - and he offers her his finger instead. She wraps her tiny paw around it and fuck it all- she has him.

"Looks like we're gonna haveta' find room, fella's." Theirs chorus of gasps around the table as Smartass picks her up out of the basket. They continue to watch him with wide, cautious eyes for a moment, shocked by their boss, as he leans the bubba against his chest as if he has any clue what he's doing, and pats her warm back. When he realises they're all staring, he growls at them, without even bothering to look away from Y/N. "... If you bozos don't stop starin', I'll put her down and spend the next 10 minutes socking you all in the throat... "

" -Oh yes sir!!"

"Congratulations Boss!!"

"So happy for you Boss!!"

"Duh, she's cute!!"

Looking up finally, Smartass gives a deep eyeroll, to his idiot teammates who have the goofiest smiles pasted to their faces. Hopefully that doesn't rub off on Y/N...

Whatever- "Right- Now go t' fucken bed, we're hittin' the store first thing in the morning."

Stupid and Psycho nod, waving goodnight to the little baby girl in their midst and saluting their leader, greatly annoying him - Psycho on purpose, Stupid not, - and head up to their rooms. Wheezy follows after them, clapping Smartass on the back and pausing, on the way. "... You sure about this, Boss?"

For a moment, Smartass hesitates. Because no, he's not 'sure', this is a baby- he's never going to be sure again! But he nods before its too noticeable. "Of course I am. What did I just say to you chuckleheads? Go to bed."

Wheezy shrugs, and does as he's told. Which leaves Greasy behind, who was standing on his tip toes in order to peak at the baby from a safe distance away... before sighing, dreamily in order to get under Smartass' skin, and settling back down again. "Who knew? The boss- a softy."

"GET OUTTA HERE- "

~

In the truck in the morning, Smartass allows Greasy to hold Y/N in the passenger seat so he can drive- the first time he's let her go since picking her up for the first time. He stayed up all night making sure she slept, staring at her, wondering a million and 1 things pertaining to when, how, why, who- But the only thing that came out of it was an attachment and a shopping list longer then his forearm.

For the first time since buying the truck, it gets driven without procuring any dings, scratches, or scrapes. Smartass drives so carefully that not once do those in the back get flung around or squished. In fact, Stupid spends the whole drive leaning over Greasy's shoulder- making faces at Y/N.

Of course- Smartass does yell at other drivers, a lot though. They're all insane. They should be taken off the road! "YES THAT MEANS YOU TOO GRANNY, MOVE."

"... Uhhhmmmmm... Does the Boss know how to take care of a pup?" Psycho whispers to Wheezy, as they sit in the very back of the truck.

Wheezy, who isn't quite sure himself but realises anyway that their boss is totally gone, and theirs no convincing him that this is a crazy idea, takes a slow drag. Letting it go, he wheezes. "Well, he knows not to call her Cinderella, at least- that's a good jumping off a point."

Nodding sagely, Psycho agrees. "Oh yeah, that's true, that's true! He could do better then an evil step mother, at least. Good point."

Wheezy smiles, amused and perturbed at how easily Psycho was swayed.

In the front, as Smartass flips the bird at a passing minivan, Stupid squeezes his arm over Greasy's chair and offers his finger to the baby- who grabs it immediately, and stares mindlessly at it in adorable wide eyed baby wonder. It makes Stupid grin, and wiggle his appendage a little in a grasp to gage a reaction.

Greasy is the last to get on board, but then she turns her little head- and smiles at him.

And all he can think, face covered in a thick layer of shock-horror, is

Fuck.

[slashingdisneypasta]

Greasy Weasel x Reader || Oneshot

Title: Lottie

Notes:

Pay no mind to the title- its just an homage to the original piece this is inspired by/for, for my own happiness ^^

So this is an experiment XD I don't think I got Greasy's character quite right (Even if it IS supposed to build on what little info we have) but I like it... sorta... I like the first bit, anyway XD

Plot: Greasy has known you nearly your whole life (Since you were left on the Toon Patrol's doorstep, anyway, with a note that said you belonged to Smart Ass), he raised you- but what happens between the two of you when you return from the Navy 4 years after shipping off cannot be constituted as platonic, in any way.

Warnings: Age difference, Dads friend/Friends kid (NOT pedophilia, Reader is like 24 in this and there were no feelings from his end until now), possible sexual references (I mean its Greasy so what do you expect), etc.

Glaring over your salad, which you play irritated with with your fork, as you lean back in your chair. "Greasy can we talk, in the hallway?" The fury is coursing through you right now, like the goddamn Nile. Where does he even get off saying stuff like this? He is in no position...

He must- he m u s t detect the absolute blood lust in your eyes as he takes a break from leaning on Chase, to you. But look ashamed at all, he does not as he shrugs - but does not speak. A tell tale sign that he's just as, if not more frustrated in the moment and as such, is so not in the mood to get berated, - and gets out his seat; heading for the hallway.

You watch him go with glaring eyes, not moving an inch, before looking at the rest of the table including Chase and taking a breath. Calm down Y/N, keep the anger to yourself... until you talk to Greasy, at least.

"Sorry about this guys, and Dad... " Your gaze flickers the the hallways door and you hop out of your seat, itching to tear into Greasy for his behaviour tonight, and the past couple days actually. "I'll be right back."

You pass your father on your way out, sitting in a recliner chair with earmuffs over his head to block out his family for a while.

As soon as you reach Greasy at the end of the hall, your face twists into a total scowl; all inhibitions and constraints disappearing.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?"

"I do not know what you mean, bonita." He mumbles around his grit teeth, arms crossed and resistant. You clench your fists, totally frustrated. Bitter, spiteful, awful man!

"The hell you don't. What was all that!? You've been acting like this since I got home! If you didn't want me back here, then you could've just said it! Woulda hurt a hell of a lot less then this."

At least at that, his shoulders relax for a moment- but his expression does not soften. And neither does the steel in either his eyes or his voice when he yells back, throwing an arm out to express his anger. "It isn't that I didn't want you back home, Y/N, its that you brought some inválido, with you! I did not expect that, from you!"

"Chase is not invalid- " You gasp, horrified at the way Greasy is speaking. Where is all the disgust, coming from? Greasy isn't like this, normally... in fact, you don't think you've ever seen him this senselessly an ass. Why!? "And you say that like its some mortal sin! I brought a boy home, I didn't kill someone- which you would not have the high ground over, either!"

"This was supposed to be family time! You've been gone for years and the first nights you're back, its with some chico!? He must mean a maldito mucho to you for you to possibly think he's worth hanging around with us right now."

"First of all, he does mean a lot to me. He's my friend- " Under his hat, you see Greasy's eyes deeply roll- a huff coming out of him as he tightly crosses his arms again. Like yeah right- "No, no. He is. Shut up. And second of all- if you just wanted to be with family then you could have just said! That doesn't excuse your behaviour." You glare ferociously, waiting for the real reason. Is he drunk, or something?? Honest to god you are baffled by the way he's acting- he's usually cooler then this. Out of any of your father's gang, he was the one you never really had to worry about. His antics made you laugh- but this? This makes you want to cry. Or scream.

You've gone for the second option.

"He does not see you as just a friend." He mutters back petulantly, avoiding looking at you now; Pulling his fedora down more over his face.

"So what!?" Even if he does, why would that make Greasy so mad? You cross your own arms. "You aren't my father and its is not your job to protect my 'chastity', Greasy."

He suddenly goes quiet, though the wrath from before is still clear in way his jaw is clenched. "... I know I'm not your father... " He mutters.

Something about that phrase stumps you. Of course he knows, but why does he look so ashamed? You uncross your arms, and take a deep breath.

"... Okay." Your eyes flash, looking up at him again; Anger still not sated. "Then why are you acting insane and harassing my guest!?"

A growl rips out of him and he bumps the brim of his hat upwards so he can look at you again, right in the eye. "I told you, I don't like that you brought him into this house!- "

"That's not it!" Its not. He's acting crazy about a boy who's acting absolutely lovely and polite. Its not.

You just want him to tell you what it really is that you did. You don't want to keep fighting with him, not with Greasy. You want your silly, campy, perverted Greasy back. Not this rotten version in front of you right now.

"It is!"

You press your fists brattily to your hips. "Is not!"

He bares his teeth and leans forward. "Is!"

"Not!-"

And then all the tension comes to a head, and something absolutely mad happens.

The first thing that you notice is the smell of his stupid expensive perfume filling your nostrils and embracing you, then your your hands curled tightly around the lapels of his suit, and finally the feeling of warmth and tingliness all over your body.

Because you're kissing Greasy.

Your perverted Greasy, one of your fathers best friends, one of the men that raised you, your teenage crush. Your kissing him on the lips and he's slowly reciprocating, his mouth moving carefully, but purposefully against your as he moves his body closer.

But there's anger, too. Your teeth are going to ache when you pull back for pressing into the kiss too hard and the tips of your fingers will pang when you let go of him but not quite yet-

Two sets of lips part and Greasy does this thing with his tongue that tears a long overdue moan out of you, and immediately he rears back like he was burnt. And you're left standing there cold again, completely shocked.

And aroused.

But mainly shocked, because you never expected that to happen but it did and now what are you both going to do?

The air is absolutely silent as you both catch your breaths, from the kiss and also from the fight, and hope your hearts stop beating quite so erratically very soon so you can act normal.

Then, because you've waited for this for too long and the moment is too good to pass up, you step over and kiss him again.

And he kisses you back, like he's totally unable to help himself from kissing you.

All the frustrations and tensions of the past few weeks go into it oh my god- you never expected Greasy to be able to kiss totally well, but it certainly does the trick as it has you holding onto him like your life depends on it, chasing your own pleasure but also experimenting- trying to drag pleasant reactions from him. See what he likes, make him moan.

Between kisses, he mutters 'Cariño... ' warningly, carefully. Like he knows he should stop but you're too good.

When you both finally pull back again minutes later, you're both wide eyed again though far less shocked about your actions, then before.

More scared.

"Don't tell Dad."

___REWIND: A FEW DAYS AGO WHEN YOU GOT HOME___

"Guys!" You scream, the moment your eyes land on the familiar group at the docks, utter excitement fills you up and you almost want to cry as you drop your bags with your friend in order to rush over to your family and throw your arms around the first man you reach- Stupid. "I missed you. I missed you, I missed you so much!!" You squeeze him, the familiar soft, worn feel of his shirt rubbing on your face as you cant help but smile.

"Duhh, Y/N!! We brought you (Favourite snack)!" Stupid informs above you, but squeezes you back in a moment, a happy whine escaping him at having you back there with him. And your hugs.

"Ohhh," Now you really want to cry. You're so overwhelmingly happy to be home and to see them again- and they brought you food. "Now that's what I came home for... " You joke, giggling a little bit tearily before pulling back and almost running in to Psycho, who holds up the snack.

You just wrap him up in a quick, tight hug. As always he's the warmest- like a lizard who's been sitting out on a hot rock for hours.

Next you find your father standing expectantly for you, fake annoyed that you didn't come to him first. "Hey, kid. Yeah, I told 'em you'd be none-too happy to see us if we didn't have your damn food. But this is some reception, for a regular pack."

"Hey, Dad." Your voice comes out wobbly and weak but in a good way, as he takes you up in his skinny arms and pink suit holding your head the way fathers do; Like someone with a bat is coming up behind you but he doesn't want you to know and there's no way in hell, that you're about to get hurt on his watch. "I missed you so much."

He sighs, and grumbles something about feelings, before burning his head down into the hug. "I missed you more kiddo."

After you father curtly lets you go, nodding stiffly at you as if it would save him his tough guy reputation, your attention is stolen by a familiar rusty, painful sounding voice. "Hey there, chickadee. No hello for me?"

"Wheezy!" You exclaim, thrilled. He holds up his hands.

"I wont take it personal if you don't wanna a hug me- wouldn't wanna get all smelly."

You roll your eyes, grinning. "Whenever have I ever cared about that."

"Hm." He grins, and you too hug warmly for a moment then you pull back and greet the last of your boys.

"Bonita, its good to see you of course. Nice to see you got into such good shape over seas- almost as good as me." Greasy grins sharply, before you two collide excitedly, so happy to see each other again and you press a quick kiss to his cheek. You picked up the habit when you had a crush on him, in your teenage years. Now its just routine. Yours and Greasy's thing together.

You squeeze his arms one last time, before letting go. "Oh, guys- " Sniffling, all teary and happy, you hide your face and pull yourself together. "Ahh... I'm sorry." Greasy pats your shoulder, as they all chuckle at your show of emotion- not that they're doing hugely better. Psycho blows his nose into his sleeve, teary himself.

Your Dad, although honestly as happy and serene as he can possibly be, with his hands in his pockets and his little baby back, glances off to your luggage still laying amongst bustling travellers a few metres away and the corners of his lips tilt down. "Boys- go get Y/N's stuff. I don't want it gettin' stolen."

Finally, you pull yourself together. "I brought someone I want you to meet! My friend Chase, he's- he's only stopping off here before moving on to his home further inland. And I was hoping he could have dinner with us tonight? Just, cuz, you know, its both our first night back?"

Your Dad squints at the guy who looks like he's guarding our luggage, as Stupid and Wheezy go and collect it. "That green bean there?"

"He's talllllllllllllllllllll," Psycho comments, giggling as he judges Chase.

"Yep, him." You agree, hoping your father is okay with it. you would hate to leave Chase alone in his apartment the days before his flight. He needs a good, family cooked meal for his first night off the ship!

"Yeah I guess." Smart Ass sighs, shrugging and sighing. "I just got noise resistant headphones- I don't gotta communicate with no one."

You grin. "Thank you, Dad!"

"Whatever."

"A boy?" Greasy pipes up, curiously from beside you. You look over and find him sizing Chase up, then turns to you and smiles weakly- a pale imitation of a teasing smirk. "You brought home a handsome boy?"

Rolling your eyes, you pat him on the back before heading over to Chase; not thinking much at all of Greasy's comment of the odd look on his face. "One, he's a man." Greasy rolls his eyes. "And he's just a friend! Wait here guys, I'll bring him over!"

___Greasy's POV___

"Hmmm... a friend." I shake my head, crossing my arms as watch Y/N interact with this 'Chase'. She picks up one of his bags for him and flashes him one of her pretty smiles, and he watches her move on ahead of him back to us. Por supuesto. For sure.

I watch him as a nauseous feeling rolls in my gut. I know that watch. That is not a 'friend' watch. If he was but a friend, he would be more concerned about the loose wooden board he's standing on rather then the chica's behind.

Perhaps I should tell Smartass what that boy is looking at-

As they come over, the nauseous, grinding feeling in me just gets stronger and I decide against opening my mouth to speak. I'm afraid of whatever might come out- I've never been good at withholding my... feelings.

Its only when the boy catches up to her, and us, and he puts an arm over Y/N's shoulders as she introduces us, and I stiffen up like a wooden plank, that I identify the feeling.

Its something I certainly shouldn't be feeling.

Not about Y/N.

The boss will kill me.

Maybe I can ignore it. Wish it away. Its probably just that I haven't been with a woman in a while, now... Si, that must be it. I am desperate. I good night or two with a lovely lady and I'll be fine.

But then the boy kisses Y/N's cheek and I only just manage to swallow the growl that fights to be torn from the back of my throat at the sight, and I realise immediately that this is going to be more complicated then that.

Far more complicated.

"And this is Greasy! Greasy, Chase." Y/N introduces us brightly, presenting him like he's important and Chase good-naturedly offers his hand to me. All I see though is the devil.

"Nice to meet ya! Y/N's told me about you, I hope we can get along." He beams while I glower, not moving at all to take up his hand.

Oh I doubt that we will, 'Chase', I truly do.

"So Chika!" Promptly I turn to Y/N, a smile on my face as I slip between them and wrap an arm around Y/N, leading her up ahead of the others and especially him. "You haven't told us about your travels much- Psycho ate your last postcard. We have to discuss!"

She glances back, concernedly, at Chase but I just prod her to start talking.

Maybe I can right off these feelings as protectiveness... like I'm supposed to be. I watched this girl grow up and I want her to be happy! I'm like... a... father...

My stomach rolls at the idea, but I swallow the horror down. I have to.

[slashingdisneypasta]

Masterlist: Toon Patrol

🔞 = Smut || 🔂 = Poly || * = Requested

---<- 🥀🥀🥀 ->---

Dark!Drabbles: Disney Villains x Reader. Vol 2 🔂.

Drabble Set: MultiVillains x Sad!Reader- Comfort Scenarios 🔂.

Drabble Set: Toon Patrol x Reader- Still In Love (With Your Ex- a.k.a. them).

Gif-Canons: Disney Hunters x Reader- Kissing 🔞.

*Headcanons: (Separate) Affection HC's.

Oneshot: Platonic!Familial!Toon Patrol x Smartass'Daughter!Reader.

Oneshot: Platonic!Familial!!Toon Patrol x Smartass’Daughter!Reader Part 2.

Oneshot: Platonic!Familial!Toon Patrol x Smartass’Daughter!Reader Part 3.

Oneshot: Platonic!Familial!Toon Patrol x Smartass'Daughter!Reader Part 4.

If you're looking for stuff concerning a particular Weasel, follow these Links.

Greasy. Psycho. Smartass. Stupid. Wheezy.

[slashingdisneypasta]

I would say underrated characters could be natm al Capone and Napoleon Bonaparte. Also what do you have coming up to post? Anyways have a great day!❤️

Yeahhh, I can see that. Its a shame, because they’re so cool! (Also Ivan, I love him to death) Thank you for responding, and have a great day too! ^^

And, no problem!! Here’s my current list. I’m thinking about shutting down requests when/if I get to 30 ^^ Which is… hah… very close. I only just realised we’re on 29. 

I’ve put a # under the ones I’m going to try to finish today. 

1.       Jason The Toymaker x Reader who takes their siblings place as his friend to save them, and ends up liking being friends with him. Oneshot

2.       Hans x Secret Admirer!Reader Oneshot

3.       # Fluff for Ratigan, Bill Cipher and Oogie Boogie Headcanons

4.       Ghostface x Victim!Reader who is in Casey Becker’s place and gives an incorrect answer to the horror movie trivia question so they’ll kill her abusive boyfriend (In Steves position). Oneshot

5.       # Jafar, Rourke, Hades, Clayton, Gaston, Dr. Facillier react to walking in on S/O changing. Reactions

6.       Yandere!Bill Cipher x Reader who makes a deal to give herself up to him to save her family Oneshot

7.       E.J x Fem!Reader x Thomas Hewitt where E.J wants reader to be his mate when they meet the Hewitt’s and they work together and Thomas falls in love with her as well. Oneshot

8.       # Jason Voorhees x Hybrid!Reader Headanons

9.       Freddy Krueger x Victim!Reader who has Expression magic Oneshot

10.   # Slender, EJ, Gaston, and Maleficent x Reader who is going to have an Ultrasound Headcanons

11.   Eris and Hades Co-parenting Headcanons

12.   Captain Hook, Hades, Gaston, Dr. Facilier, and Cruella DeVile getting jealous when S/O spends a lot of time with sidekicks Headcanons

13.   Al Capone x Reader Oneshot

14.   InHeat!Slenderman x Reader loving tentacle Smut Oneshot

15.   # Toon Patrol Weasels affection Headcanons

16.   # Yandere!Slenderman Headcanons

17.   Jeff the Killer x Reader where Smile loves Jeff’s S/O more then him and gets jealous a lot when Jeff goes to show affection to his partner. Jeff’s Reaction.  

18.   Gaston, Jafar, Evil Queen, Hades and Dr. Facilier accidental first kiss with reader Drabbles.  

19.   Bill x Rocker!S/O Headcanons.

20.   # Yandere!Hades Headcanons

21.   # Yandere!Evil Queen, Ursula, Shan Yu and Shadowman Headcanons

22.   Slender Bro’s (Separate) x Reader where another Creep or Bro teases them for their feelings for reader and reader walks in and hears everything Headcanons / Drabble (Haven’t decided).

23.   Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees getting quarantined together Oneshot.

24.   Poly!Napoleon x Reader x Al Capone Headcanons

25.   Horned King x Fem!Reader Headcanons

26.   Human!Bill Cipher x Happy and Eccentric!Reader Headcanons

27.   Yandere!Offenderman x Shopaholic!Reader Headcanons

28.   Hoyt with an Extrovert!Daughter Headcanons

29.   # Hoyt with a son who becomes a teenage father Headcanons

[slashingdisneypasta]

REQUESTS: CLOSED

Sorry! We’re up to 31, and I want to at least get the headcanon requests finished before opening up again! ^^ Shouldn't be long! Here’s the to do list: 

Jason The Toymaker x Reader who takes their siblings place as his friend to save them, and ends up liking being friends with him. Oneshot

Hans x Secret Admirer!Reader Oneshot 

Ghostface x Victim!Reader who is in Casey Becker’s place and gives an incorrect answer to the horror movie trivia question so they’ll kill her abusive boyfriend (In Steves position). Oneshot

Jafar, Rourke, Hades, Clayton, Gaston, Dr. Facillier react to walking in on S/O changing. Reactions

Yandere!Bill Cipher x Reader who makes a deal to give herself up to him to save her family Oneshot

E.J x Fem!Reader x Thomas Hewitt where E.J wants reader to be his mate when they meet the Hewitt’s and they work together and Thomas falls in love with her as well. Oneshot

Jason Voorhees x Hybrid!Reader Headanons

Freddy Krueger x Victim!Reader who has Expression magic Oneshot

Slender, EJ, Gaston, and Maleficent x Reader who is going to have an Ultrasound Headcanons

Eris and Hades Co-parenting Headcanons

Captain Hook, Hades, Gaston, Dr. Facilier, and Cruella DeVile getting jealous when S/O spends a lot of time with sidekicks Headcanons

Al Capone x Reader Oneshot

InHeat!Slenderman x Reader loving tentacle Smut Oneshot

Toon Patrol Weasels affection Headcanons

Yandere!Slenderman Headcanons

Jeff the Killer x Reader where Smile loves Jeff’s S/O more then him and gets jealous a lot when Jeff goes to show affection to his partner. Jeff’s Reaction.  

Gaston, Jafar, Evil Queen, Hades and Dr. Facilier accidental first kiss with reader Drabbles.  

Bill x Rocker!S/O Headcanons.

Yandere!Hades Headcanons  

Slender Bro’s (Separate) x Reader where another Creep or Bro teases them for their feelings for reader and reader walks in and hears everything Headcanons / Drabble (Haven’t decided).

Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees getting quarantined together Oneshot.

Poly!Napoleon x Reader x Al Capone Headcanons

Horned King x Fem!Reader Headcanons

Human!Bill Cipher x Happy and Eccentric!Reader Headcanons

Yandere!Offenderman x Shopaholic!Reader Headcanons 

Hoyt with a son who becomes a teenage father Headcanons

Yandere Jafar, Captain Hook, Ratcliffe, and Maleficent Headcanons

Hades with a Pyro S/O Headcanons

Al Capone Headcanons 

Al Capone fluff or angst Headcanons (Probably to be mixed with the above request)

NSFW with Long John Silver Oneshot

[slashingdisneypasta]

Hey guys! I have finished some requests today, but they're on my laptop and the internet is being funky, so I'll have to publish them tomorrow.

To torture, here are the finished requests ^^ XD

1. Hans x Secret Admirer!Reader Oneshot

2. Ghostface x Reader who answers a horror movie trivia question on purpose so he kills her abusive boyfriend. Oneshot

3. Captain Hook, Hades, Gaston, Dr Facilier and Cruella DeVile becoming jealous of their S/O spending time with their sidekick. Headcanons

4. Toon Patrol affection Headcanons

5. Slenderman Yandere Headcanons

[sweatypoetrywolf]

Toon Patrol story 1.

PLATONIC FAMILIAL!Toon Patrol x Smartass'Daughter!Reader || Oneshot [Part 1]

Title: The Trials And Tribulations of Fatherhood [Part1]

Notes:

This is a rewrite of an old story I tried to do YEARS ago. Basically, every chapter will be another excerpt of Y/N's life being raised by the Toon Patrol. New Chapter = New Year, mostly.

Its just a cute, fluffy thing that should provide endorphins, haha XD

I hope someone enjoys this! ^^

Tagging: @marinerainbow

Plot: A baby girl is left on the Toon Patrol's front door step.

Warnings: Swearing, Greasy being a bit of a perv but he can and will get worse so its barely a warning, here.

Knock!

Knock!

Knock!

"I didn't think this place had a 24 Hours sign nailed to it... " Smartass mumbles grittily, rubbing his eyes and down his snout- having been woken up by the obnoxious banging on his front door at midnight. Rolling deftly out of bed, he rifles through he takes up his gun on the way out of his room; Checking that theirs ammunition inside as he make sit down stairs and to the front door.

Which he immediately aims the gun at before throwing open.

A few bullets fly, but he there's no splat sound, or familiar thumping noise. So, confused, Smartass takes a few steps forward towards the doorway, peaking out with a huge frown on his face.

Sniffing, Smartass looks around carefully when he finds no one around at all... Scowling, he clicks his gun immediately into action again. Ding Dong Ditchers?

Well they picked the wrong- fucking- house!-

"Ey Boss?" Suddenly Wheezy, who hadn't gone to bed yet at all, strolls by behind him. And theirs a cautious tone to his voice, too, that Smartass does quite recognise. Brushing it off though, he just grunts back. "Look down."

"Why? Why? Why am I looking down... "

As soon as Smartass' eyes catch sight of the basket on the front step, blankets and fur bundled inside, and his eyes quite literally pop. Then he reals back, frazzled, rubbing his eyelids until his eyes are back in place, and peaking again at the one thing that he never expected to see on his front step, with a deep frown.

... What?

"I think its a kid." Slowly, Smartass turns to his teammate, and deadpans. Wheezy just shrugs, before stepping back when Psycho appears - also never having fallen asleep in the first place, - and taking a long drag of the cigarette between his fingers.

Still occupied staring Wheezy down like he's the biggest maroon, in all of Toon Town, Smartass doesn't have the sense to hide the baby before its too late. "Real- "

"A kid??" Psycho exclaims, eyes wide as he patters over to the basket, before, staring down unblinkingly at the kid. Smartass' jaw drops, looking from where Psycho was on one side of the door a second ago, and where he is now on the other, and wondering how the hell he managed to slip by without his notice-

That weasel is freaky.

When Psycho gets down onto his knees to get a closer look, using his nose to give the baby a good smell and see if its even alive, is when Smartass and Wheezy exchange a quick, concerned glance. "... What the hell are you doing?" Smartass asks after a moment, tearing his gaze away from Wheezy and the silent conversation they were having with eachother.

Sniffing around the babies face, Psycho gives the other two weasels a shrug. "Air tasting it- "

"ALRIGHT- " Smartass stomps over, yanking the basket up and away from his little insane housemate. There will be NO 'air tasting'. That's gotta be another house rule. ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THAT. 'Under no circumstances will anyone 'air taste' anyone else', will be put on the board first thing in the morning- FIRST THING. "You're gonna give it nightmares, is what you're gonna do. Get back, wouldja?"

Smartass stomps over, shooing Psycho and his 1000 yard stare away from the baby. Psycho just giggles, a dangerous tone to it.

Heading back over to Wheezy, Smartass allows himself to glance down at the baby- but just growls and looks away, again. 'No babies' was not a rule on the board yet either, but it should be. They do not lead a kid-friendly life, this is totally out of the question...

As Smartass was thinking, Wheezy caught sight of a note by the babies feet. Squinting, he picks it up. "Hmmm... " Flicking it open, he starts to read... and slowly, his face starts to relaxes into a state of absolute shock- Almost going slack. Wheezy doesn't oft lose his cool when he's not laughing hysterically... but his eyes go round like saucers now, and his mouth loses its nearly-permanent frown. "... B- Uh... Boss... "

"Psycho don't pick that thing out of the sewer grate- What?" Turning, and, seeing Wheezy looking at him in such an odd way- Smartass' face twists into a glower. "What!?"

Wheezy just thrusts the note into Smartass hands, and scoops the basket into his own arm. "I'll take that- you just read."

The last thing they need is for Smartass to drop the baby out of shock when he reads that thing.

... Or throw it across the street, either.

"Dear Smarty," Smartass begins, reading out loud- at which Wheezy winces, looking down at the baby. This is not going to go well, kiddo... "I'm not sure if you remember me but it might be better that way anyway. This is Y/N, and she's your daughter. Unfortunately, I am not able to take care of her so its up to you. Rena."

.. For a few holy moments, everything stays quiet, and still- except Psycho, who has made his way over to the baby... Y/N... and gives her a little sleeve-covered waive. Wheezy, though, is perfectly still. Watching his boss cautiously, waiting for the explosion. Oof...

Then Smartass' ear twitches and Wheezy covers the little girls ears just before the spartan screech comes from her... father.

"... wHO IS RENA!?"

"Gee, Boss, woulda thought you'd know... " Wheezy responds, rubbing a shoulder into his ear to get rid of the ringing- but still trying to stay calm and not place too much sarcasm in his tone. This is kind of a big, day for the guy. Becoming a dad and all.

Psycho makes a funny face at the baby, who has been jostled awake not by the screaming, or the moving around, or even the gun shots earlier by the after mentioned insane weasel booping her nose. That is, before Smartass yanks the basket from Wheezy's arms and sates straight into the face of his baby- noses nearly touching.

"She does look a bit like you!~" Psycho sings out, casually like its not going to throw Smartass for a loop some more.

Apart from looking away only to flash Psycho a deadly glare, Smartass continues to stare down his daughter.

This time, Wheezy exchanges the 'This is freaken weird' glance with Psycho, who shrugs. "Uhhh... Boss... "

"What?"

"The kid aint gonna jump ya." Smartass glares at him, then. "I mean- she might. She is your kid, but I find the possibility pretty unlikely- "

Oh, he is so funny, Smartass thinks with a deadpanned glare. "No- No, not my kid! I don't have a kid!" Smartass snaps suddenly, and Wheezy and Psycho glance at each other again. So we're doing the denial thing, then. Psycho snatches up the note himself, and reads it through silently- it sure says you have a kid... right there... "Especially not a little, soft, cute one... "

All 3 weasels are silent again for a good moment, then, Smartass thinking... before, finally, he fixes his hat - which he sleeps in, - on his head better, pulling himself together and storms back into the house. "Bring her inside."

As they follow him in, Wheezy cant help peaking at the baby over Smartass' shoulder, and shrugging before he sucks up some smoke. "Honestly your fur is pretty soft lookin', boss."

"Oh, you're right." Psycho nods, agreeing gayly with the grey weasel.

"Shut up!"

~

On entering the kitchen, Smartass has the basket - gently, - dropped onto the kitchen island in the middle of the room- catching Stupid's and Greasy's attentions quickly. They both lean over it, and peak inside. Stupid, who had awoken when Smartass blindly shot his gun outside right underneath his window, boops the girl's nose with his pinky finger in curiosity- and smiles, softly.

"Duh, she looks like a little bean... "

He does not, however, question the 'bean''s presence in his kitchen.

Greasy does, though. His eyes widened as soon as he realised that it was a baby inside the basket, and he practically jumped out of his skin and/or had a stroke when she smiled and reached out for the brim of his hat. Now he takes a deep breath, but just as he's about to make noise, Smartass holds up his hand. Silence, you.

Promptly Greasy shuts his mouth, tapping his fingers against the mug in his hands, thoughtfully. Wheezy sits down in the seat nearest to him, smoking like a house fire, and nudges him. "So when did you wake up?" Surely, it was sometime after their bosses unholy screeching- otherwise their most lady-loving compatriot would've heard 'Rena', and come running.

Slowly a wide, creepy grin slips jarringly across the Spaniards sharp mouth. "When I heard the boss scream that woman's name, of course... "

"Oh," Wheezy's brows shoot up; Pleasantly surprised. "Really? And you're in here? That's showing some restraint, there."

"Oh, well, I needed my coffee first."

"Of course." That makes sense, Wheezy thinks, shaking his head.

As Greasy takes a sip of the coffee, they all turn to Smartass again, who's leaning over the baby once more- staring it down. There isn't quite a scowl on his face and he isn't glaring, but his brows are furrowed; Thinking.

"... Ey boss- What's this?" Greasy finally pipes up again, unable to stop himself from asking what's on his mind, despite Smartass already shoving his hand in his face so uncouthly.

"Its a baby." Smartass relents, a tiny bit.

"Yes... okay. I see that. Who is it?"

"Y/N."

"Y/N who?"

"Rena's daughter."

"And who is this lovely Rena?"

"I don't know."

Eye twitching out of frustration, Greasy stops to take a deep breath. Then he spreads his hands over the bench as if laying out the information. Its like pulling teeth with this one. And neither Wheezy or Psycho move to help him; the former too busy swiping the coffee Greasy set down and the later with entertaining Y/N- Or, entraining himself, with the baby. "... Okay. Boss. Why is Y/N, daughter of Rena-Who-We-Do- Not-Know... " Here Greasy takes a quick breath. Huff. "- here?"

"Well- Apparently- My chromosomes-... are possibly... ya know... in there." The little girl smiles, and Smartass grimaces. "Somewhere deep."

"... I do not think that was English, but... " Putting two and two together, Greasy's eyes suddenly bulge out of his head. "-YOU HAVE A HIJA? YOU'RE NOT A VIRGEN AND YOU DIDNT THINK THIS WAS IMPORTANT INFORMATION? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY! AND MORE IMPORTANTLY- OHHH, I THOUGHT WE WERE AMIGOS."

Smartass immediately whips around and flings the toaster into Greasy's outraged face- sending the hysterical green-steeped weasel to the floor and of course, causing the other 3 to start giggling uncontrollably. "GET OFF MY CASE- and you maroons, stop cacklin'!"

They struggle, but they do. Wheezy letting out a long sigh and Stupid hitting his fists against the table a few times- but they manage it under their bosses evil eye. Then they all, once again, turn to the baby- Greasy picking out toaster wires from his teeth.

"So boys... what are gonna do about... this."

Stupid and Psycho look at eachother, and blink. Suddenly this team is a democracy??

"Up to you, Boss." Wheezy gives, calmly. Every the sage one in the group, as he takes a long sip of a smoke. Smartass finds himself deeply infuriated by it- how come he gets to be calm? Smartass hasn't been calm for the last 5 years.

Keeping that in mind, that he has not had a day off in 5 years anyway and that certainly isn't going to change any time soon whether... Y/N is apart of his life or not... Smartass turns back to the baby, and thinks again. She's got his nose; A sort of triangular shape. And she's a skinny little thing- also, assumedly from him. Her eyes and fur colour though... those are totally different. The big E/C eyes staring up at him are round and kind, a look he could never pull off even when he was a kid. And her fur is a very dark shade of brown, with a sort of strawberry pink belly and neck.

She's kind of cute, admittedly. She could turn out a fine young lady... Tightening his grip on the bench, Smartass grits his teeth and glares again at the kid. But he does not lead a lifestyle fit for a child! That's the fucking kicker! No matter how cute the little shit is. How is he supposed to take care of it? He can barely keep himself off the streets. How do you... feed, a baby? What do they eat? What do they DO? What is he supposed to do about it when it cries?? How do you know the difference between hungry crying, tired crying and injured crying???

Sighing tiredly, Smartass - for the first time in either of their lives, - gives a tiny little grin to her. Just between them. Because her big E/C eyes are looking up at him like they have a secret just between them, that no one can take away.

And he knows she has him when she reaches for his nose - just like hers, though she couldn't know that yet, - and he offers her his finger instead. She wraps her tiny paw around it and fuck it all- she has him.

"Looks like we're gonna haveta' find room, fella's." Theirs chorus of gasps around the table as Smartass picks her up out of the basket. They continue to watch him with wide, cautious eyes for a moment, shocked by their boss, as he leans the bubba against his chest as if he has any clue what he's doing, and pats her warm back. When he realises they're all staring, he growls at them, without even bothering to look away from Y/N. "... If you bozos don't stop starin', I'll put her down and spend the next 10 minutes socking you all in the throat... "

" -Oh yes sir!!"

"Congratulations Boss!!"

"So happy for you Boss!!"

"Duh, she's cute!!"

Looking up finally, Smartass gives a deep eyeroll, to his idiot teammates who have the goofiest smiles pasted to their faces. Hopefully that doesn't rub off on Y/N...

Whatever- "Right- Now go t' fucken bed, we're hittin' the store first thing in the morning."

Stupid and Psycho nod, waving goodnight to the little baby girl in their midst and saluting their leader, greatly annoying him - Psycho on purpose, Stupid not, - and head up to their rooms. Wheezy follows after them, clapping Smartass on the back and pausing, on the way. "... You sure about this, Boss?"

For a moment, Smartass hesitates. Because no, he's not 'sure', this is a baby- he's never going to be sure again! But he nods before its too noticeable. "Of course I am. What did I just say to you chuckleheads? Go to bed."

Wheezy shrugs, and does as he's told. Which leaves Greasy behind, who was standing on his tip toes in order to peak at the baby from a safe distance away... before sighing, dreamily in order to get under Smartass' skin, and settling back down again. "Who knew? The boss- a softy."

"GET OUTTA HERE- "

~

In the truck in the morning, Smartass allows Greasy to hold Y/N in the passenger seat so he can drive- the first time he's let her go since picking her up for the first time. He stayed up all night making sure she slept, staring at her, wondering a million and 1 things pertaining to when, how, why, who- But the only thing that came out of it was an attachment and a shopping list longer then his forearm.

For the first time since buying the truck, it gets driven without procuring any dings, scratches, or scrapes. Smartass drives so carefully that not once do those in the back get flung around or squished. In fact, Stupid spends the whole drive leaning over Greasy's shoulder- making faces at Y/N.

Of course- Smartass does yell at other drivers, a lot though. They're all insane. They should be taken off the road! "YES THAT MEANS YOU TOO GRANNY, MOVE."

"... Uhhhmmmmm... Does the Boss know how to take care of a pup?" Psycho whispers to Wheezy, as they sit in the very back of the truck.

Wheezy, who isn't quite sure himself but realises anyway that their boss is totally gone, and theirs no convincing him that this is a crazy idea, takes a slow drag. Letting it go, he wheezes. "Well, he knows not to call her Cinderella, at least- that's a good jumping off a point."

Nodding sagely, Psycho agrees. "Oh yeah, that's true, that's true! He could do better then an evil step mother, at least. Good point."

Wheezy smiles, amused and perturbed at how easily Psycho was swayed.

In the front, as Smartass flips the bird at a passing minivan, Stupid squeezes his arm over Greasy's chair and offers his finger to the baby- who grabs it immediately, and stares mindlessly at it in adorable wide eyed baby wonder. It makes Stupid grin, and wiggle his appendage a little in a grasp to gage a reaction.

Greasy is the last to get on board, but then she turns her little head- and smiles at him.

And all he can think, face covered in a thick layer of shock-horror, is

Fuck.