#Toof The Seal

[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

For you, i give you a blahaj

"WHY THE SHIT DID YOU GO TO IKEA FOR THIS?!"

"Eh, sure alright thanks I'm sure toof will like this"

insert happy seal noises here.

[dollsonmain]

Gonna run downstairs and touch up Pillow Talk's eye, then when I come back I'll seal her eyes and Baby Quackers's toof, and then take photos.

[t-underneaththeradardancing]

so maybe selfie trippy moon idk - will a crappy poem make it  - maybe if i mention a kitty  - maybe imma stay up a bit - endless is the laundry esp if u aint doin it much  - the kitty = a good one 

maybe miracles  - but crazy like seal  - yah 

up and down things and communication like a zep breakdown cuz  - kidz these dayz  - daisy there wuz a band 90s - jesus and mary chain - i gess 80s like the genes - exactly watt iz a daisy chain anyway - yah i mean i get the gist - ok how bout tupelo - honey - ok just good honey 

if i text or otherwise sez i sends birdsong - i really have - to start - i must actually hear - after much debate - internally - not to mention overthinking - possibly even to myself mansplaining - gull squawk and crow caw ( its really more of an aawkka ) r not song - while all song is communication - not all communication is song - or maybe - shall we tawk dancing pinhead angels - but i gotta hear it - audial hallucinations i think count - and i feel the sends the sent and - there aint a word - maybe grok sure y not 

so got a better moon but not as artsy sir reel - but we dont midstream or pome change  mid stream of conscious  - yah imma laundry 1 load its inna dry err - might well finish this mess inna morning - let it marinade or as the unpoet say - marry un ate  - overnite - still a few dishes - brushes to apply to teethes ( thatz a wurd )  oh yah like when u a baby and they coming in 

well just fuck me - i thot i put a wrap and wat they say - published  - lol - it didnt make the morning edition its awmost frog friday for fuck sake  - there should b at least 1 more fuckin this uh stanza?  this is fucking poetry btw  and also btw i know the world is pretty fucked up - newsflash - no it actually may b worse - or maybe my eyes wide open err - no its that - did i maybe write a separate pome this morning - 

fuck  -  idk thats the toof 

there is a kitty a good one - i fed my murder and others 

there was birdsong - it was beautiful 

there was love 

in action 

its a fukken verb 

[basementadvco-blog]

The Rescuers Darkwood Down Under Part 1: Toot! Toot!

We had a younger brother visiting this week. So rather than continue our regular adventure, our DM ran a one-shot in the same setting so he could play too. For some reason…we decided to all be Goblins. I do not have enough jontron gifs to express my feelings about this…but I’ll go with this one.

Prince Ignizelle summons 6 capable and elite goblins for a mission. For the past week, the Goblin queen has sent agents into the “unknown” on various missions. A goblin by the name of toot has not come back, and it is our job to find him, and bring him home.

Introducing the cast, we have Snik the Fighter, Brunch the Barbarian, Toki the Rogue, Ghaz the Cleric, Gobblesnoch The Monk, and Toof Boof the Sorcerer.

The Prince gives us a key to go through a special door that bypasses the magical seal, and we make our way through (for those playing those home game, Ghaz has the key, and keeps it through the session). Our only lead is that we are looking for a store called Paulson & Paulson. We emerge however into an alleyway next to a store labeled “Hanks foo “. We stride on in, and set to work being goblins. Toof Boof, being a dragon sorcerer, sets out bonding with Hank the dragonborn. Gobblesnoch hops onto a table and starts eating a half-elf’s dinner, while Ghaz pushes over a table and starts shoveling up food off the floor. Toki consults with a dwarf about where to find the store, and he’s amused enough by our antics to help us out.

It’s only a few blocks away, and the dwarf leaves us to our own devices…for some reason. Snik breaks down the door and we enter it. Inside is…well…it’s a taxidermist, but none of the creatures we see are…natural or correct. Oversized rabbits with antlers all over them. Anacondas with shark fins where limbs would go. It’s a regular freak show.

The goblins, are not bothered, and starts breaking them open like piñatas to see if Toot got stuck inside one. Inside we find no goblins, but we do find strange candy stuffed inside some of them (of which our goblins don’t care much about, and start eating). Making our way to the back room we find, oddly enough, a stuffed Sapiophage…but this isn’t strange to goblins, as Sapiophages are native to Goblin world, so we just knock it over to break it open…but as it hits the ground, we hear an odd hollow thump. It’s not the Sapiophage, its full of more “candy” …it doesn’t take long before we smash the floor boards (trap door? What trap door?) and decent into a staircase leading into an underground dungeon.

Here’s where I lose the plot a little. With 6 of us at the table, all playing frantic goblins, and a maze-like dungeon before us, I can’t hope to explain everything that happened in a way that makes sense, so I’m going to rush through the next few parts and hit the highlights.

There are several rooms and hallways filled with operating tables and dissected animals. Toki narrowly avoids getting hurt by an exploding door knob (always check for traps!)  and finds a potion of speed (same effects as the Haste spell). Ghaz and Gobblesnoch find a room of animal cages and emaciated creatures inside. Ghaz promises them that if they all help us find Toot, they will be rewarded by the Goblin Queen, while Gobblesnoch smashes open as many of the locks on the cages as he can. We don’t do super well, and end up snacking on a few parrots.

Toof Boof and Snik enter a different room and find a pit with elephants inside, Snik rolled a 1 on a perception or insight or something and gets it in her head that one of these elephants is Toot. She calls us all into the room and…no…no, that is not Toot, but she is convinced, and thus jumps on top of one. We roll initiative as the elephants go into a rampage…but most of us are…. kinda content to just let this play out.

Snik tries to calm them down by showing them her cute little pet mouse…Toof Boof (and I think Brunch) jump in after her and convince her to let the elephants do their thing and use a rope to get out (always bring rope!).

Next room we enter is a fun one. No furniture or anything, but as Toki and Brunch step inside, they immediately start slipping and sliding as the floor seems to be nearly devoid of friction. Ghaz leaps out onto the floor and gleefully slides all the way across the room, slamming headfirst into the closed door. Snik finds a chain near the entrance and pulls it, causing the door Ghaz ran into to open. Ghaz scrambles inside, and then the door closes again…Snik just has fun opening the door as Ghaz thinks his powers of the Goblin Queen grant him control over the door. It doesn’t take long for Ghaz to hold up his hands and prepare to stop the door with his mighty goblin muscles…which he succeeds at. Brunch and Toki help hold it up…before Toof Boof comes barreling in like a bowling ball, taking out Toki as she tumbles past.

The room we end up in smells like sulfur and rotten eggs…Brunch notices something strange and smoky, I dunno, but he freaks out and orders everyone not to make any fire. Toki decides this is the best time to be belligerent and tries to light a lantern. Brunch moves to stop him.

We ran out of time as the two begin to fight, so we’ll wrap this up with a quick session next week, because apparently, we here at the Basement Adventuring Company love cliffhangers.

Talk to yall next week.

[impactcomicscbr]

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[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

Can we meet your Friends? Or your family? (If you have them)

"Oh! Why sure I can talk about my friends and family ain't used to important questions like this."

((this will be a long post)) click the read more

"On the family side no actual people."

"But I do consider Toof the *walrus* to be my child! Granted I guess you can say all the walrus my family. I love thoes bastards, I used to consider Richard my daughter but... well after she passed away and came back to life, she's both literarily and figuratively DEAD to me."

"As for my friends? well I got at least 6 of them, I could call close friends! and I have many more but these are the ones I'd say I'm closest with and have the most history."

"Let's see there's Moth Man, though we only get to hang out a few times per year. Like mentioned in the past I paid for his top surgery so I do care for that funky moth quite a bit."

"There's Doom Slayer which is quite the fella! Usually when we hang out together I join him during one of his hunts killing demons, we play poker at least once per year. And there's also fun fishing trips where he puts a hook into my back and uses me like bait. We don't talk much but let me tell you great guy, always calls me a freak and abomination he's got a fun way of showing love like constantly trying to rip and tear me in half!"

"And of course I have plenty of fellow phone headed friends but let's start with one that's related thanks to my business!"

"Gemni The Phone Guy, ((owned by @gemnis-trash-fazbenders / @sorrowful--owl ))"

"Gemni has been pretty busy for quite awhile, so haven't had much time to actually spend with him, he opened his own Fazbender restaurant in 2020 and is housed in Australia.

He's the one who supplies me with kangaroo tails, he's an absolute goober always making necklaces out of bones which he calls *clicky clacks* due to the sound they make.

He's a sweet guy though has his own dark past, pretty sure he was one of the workers working in Abel's location... Before uh the incident yeah his mind is all scrambled poor fella I feel bad for him, he's not really able to feel much in terms of emotion but he seems genuinely happy and I hope to spend more time with him in the future!"

"Speaking of Gemni that brings me to my next friend who you all should know very well the one and only..."

"Robert The Cannibalistic Phone Guy, ((owned by @not-robert / @clownsuu ))"

"I met him back in December of 2019 it's around the time Gemni first started getting his restaurant getting set up and started sending me shipments of kangaroo tails, it was nearing Christmas so I wanted a big shipment and when it arrived the only thing in the box was a big buff cannibalistic zombie man who was drunk."

"Let me tell you he was confused as hell also very angry when he woke up, strangled me till my head popped off! Yeah Robert's a real fella just seeing me for the first time confused the hell out of him, though I don't know everything about his origins he's been around a VERY long time."

"Of course after he found out he couldn't kill me that just made him even more pissed and we had a little bit of a fight, eventually managed to calm him down and explained who I was. And ever since that day we've been buds!"

"I feed him all the meat products he could ever need and he dosen't kill my customers and also I can make him do whatever I want, like dressing up in costumes or promoting the restaurant hell it's because of him I have a karaoke bar!"

He also gave me the idea for the bowling alley, he might be an asshole but he's fun to have around. Plus if he wanted to leave he always could but he sticks around because I know he likes me to. That or I'm so cursed it just keeps drawing his attention and he can't help but see what I do next."

"Ah, and of course we have... ugh he's gonna freak out once he sees this post... the little nightmare child known only as..."

"Chuck The Fanboy ((owned by @chuck-the-fanboy / @lazy-charlie ))

"Look, I don't wanna feed into his little obsession but I guess, I will admit ... I care for the little guy. He's just a kid after all even if he's no longer alive, I might treat him like shit sometimes but thats because the kids obsessed with me no idea why honestly."

"I met him for the first time in I think 2017 and he was still alive back then, poor kid walked into my restaurant wearing ripped and torn clothes he looked like he was basically starving. I can't really remember what he looked like but I think he did have orange hair? his skin was also very pale."

"He wanted so badly to buy some food for himself, but he only had a pocket full of pennies... I don't know why but I felt bad for him so I gave him a large soda, a small pepperoni pizza and some french fries to eat... Kid looked at me like I saved his life, like I said I can't fully remember his face but let me tell you he looked so excited."

"I stayed and watched him eat and then he left... I didn't see him again untill 2020 when he walked back in one day with Robert, when he walked back into my restaurant that day... His skin was a green color, and he had one of thoes new chatter phones for a head."

"The kid had drowned in a pond that's all he remembers, he has no idea how he got his new head. All he does remember is waking up and suddenly having a duck trying to warm him up, he calls the duck queen and he treats it like his mother."

"Ever since that day when he came back, he's basically refused to leave and he's became obsessed with me, to the point he calls himself my biggest fan, kinda why he's known as **chuck the fanboy.** He's an annoying little brat and despite all the times I kick him, yell at him and such he dosen't lose any of his feelings towards me."

"He's too innocent for this cruel world, let me tell you but on the good side of things at least he can't die again, though there is something about that Queen duck that's strange it dosen't seem like a normal duck sometimes I wonder why? But yes I consider him... A friend EVEN IF IT PAINS ME TO SAY IT BECAUSE I KNOW IT WILL DRIVE HIM UP THE WALL."

"And my last friend worth mentioning has gotta be the one that matches me the most, someone who's chaotic but could never be my level of cursed."

"Bedlam The Chaos God ((owned by @weirdozjunkary ))

"My timeline and universe itself only really has one god and yes sadly it's the Christian one we also have a Satan."

"Bedlam himself is from another universe enterally full of gods for just about everything that exists, there's even an actual PARTY god there, They are a hoot let me tell you."

"But yeah how did I meet Bedlam then? well I met him back in February this year infact! He was feeling pretty bored that day and decided to check out a new universe and discovered mine by accident, once here he had heard about my existence by ease dropping on some people."

"My guess is he thought I was a chaos god like himself, and was keen on meeting me because of it. Should have seen his face when he first walked into my restaurant and layed his eyes upon me, guy was shocked to say the least!"

"He's a pretty intresting fella, he often changes voices seemingly unable to decide what voice fits him properly, I'm sure he'll find his perfect voice one day. He's basically like a living cartoon I swear when we properly got to know eachother we basically reenacted a tom and jerry episode."

"Don't even get me started on the time we robbed a bank he turned the whole place upside down, and smashed the large vault open with a massive cream pie! We didn't even keep the money we just gave it back like an hour later and we had lunch together after."

"Guy, defiantly is weirded out by me, which is surprising since well he's the god of chaos but fair enough I'm alot more cursed then I am chaotic, but we get along fairly well! Though we don't hang out all the time, I'm a little to overstimulating for him, to hang out for long periods of time."

"Let me tell you though? Despite how little time we've known eachother, he's defiantly one of the most fun people I know, he's also great taste in fashion both litearly and figuratively, don't tell him this but last time we hung out I was chewing on one of his horns while he was talking about another god in his world named Llios."

"I will admit, I have a bit of a teething issue sometimes and I like to bite things though he didn't seem to notice."

"I wonder what he's up to? I gotta see if he'd be interested in joining one of my poker games! Next one is coming up real soon, Count Dracula, Sugar Crisp Bear, Santa Claus, Moth Man are gonna be there. And we're short one member since Slender Man's busy and I can't get in contact with Eyeless Jack I think he blocked my number."

"But yes thank you for the question! Hope this answer satiates your curiosity, feel free to ask more questions about my friends, I'm sure I got more fun stories I can tell about them. I just didn't wanna drag this on for too long."

[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

Who is your best employee, Charlie? Or would you rather not play favorites for Employee of the Month

"ME? HAVE A FAVRIOTE EMPLOYEE? TOTALLY NOT I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FAVRIOTE WALRUS! GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MIND!"

Charlie could be seen walking to his office and the sound of a happy seal could be heard and the flopping of fish

[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

“got a whole pile of fishes for my boy’s Hubert and Toof they are some hungry boy’s!”

“toof is such a nice boy he makes sure Hubert eats his fill then digs in himself! he even helps the chonky boy eat!”

“what a cute baby and gentlemen little toof is!”

[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

How's toof doing

"both Hubert and Toof are in the arcade room chilling out Toof has already warmed up to the old fella

and tries to play with him but is gentle and know's he's old so decides just to roll a ball back and forth between them and him with their nose"

[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

Okay, thank you Mr. Charlie. *Gently pats Toof and pulls out a large bucket if expensive fish, mostly Bluefin Tuna, and place it in front of Toof*

toof just claps for a full straight 5 minutes before slowly nomming on the fish

this baby loves fish

[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

*Gently place ten thousand dollars in a neat stack and places a pair of Moon Star Shoes by Antonio Vietre on the counter* Can I say hi and play with Toof please.

"Damn bro thats alot of moola and expensive ass shoes all this this to spend time with toof? well no takesy backsy's!"

he grabbed the money and shoved it into the cash register then put the shoes away in a wine barrel "gonna keep thoes there for 10 years to age properly"

he then fixed his tie and smiled "welcome to roomba fazbenders yes toof should be in my office you can pet them but remember I'LL KNOW IF YOU HURT THEM OR TRY AND LEAVE WITH THEM but otherwise enjoy your stay!"

[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

I want to pet Toof. I am willing to pay any price.

"you know normally you can just pet my walrus for like 5$ it's even advertised but since you said any price how's about your shoes and 1000$?"

"no going back on your word if you wanna pet the baby thats the price for you"

[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

I will pay the money.

*Slides u 1000$ a my shoes*

Want to pet seal.

"pleasure doing business with you also don't call toof a seal to their face it will make them start crying toof things they are a walrus like the rest of them"

Charlie takes the money and shoes before walking away and leaving toof on the table

[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

*whispers surprised* ohmygod!!!! *pets toof* a baby!!!

toof just claps and soon gets off him before going to go eat fishes from a bucket making very happy noises bouncing a ball off their nose 

[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

The Unique walrus info dump

There are 27 walrus located in Roomba Fazbenders most of them are just normal walrus. the only odd thing about these walrus is some of them appear to have live passed the life span for a normal walrus to live.

((much like the doggos found in most Fazbenders locations)) 

((their longer life span might have something todo with Charlie and his void powers))

however there are 9 unique ones in this post you will be given the information about them you need including names and designs.

about 3 of these walrus were collaborations between me and 2 other people

@lazy-charlie​ @clownsuu​ ​

now lets began. 

Name: Redirect Walrus

Gender: Male

Age: ageless (he is a god)

Info: The Walrus King rules over the walrus population of Roomba Fazbenders he is basically roomba fazbenders own verion of directdoggo/directdogman the only difference is he hates penguins, he’s a walrus, and he follows every order given to him by Charlie the restaurant owner he can also speak perfect English. 

Name: Sliverjack ((OwO walrus))

Gender: Female

Age: 30 

Info: Sliverjack is rumored to be the lustful part of Jack Kennedy’s Soul but there is no way to confirm or deny this since Mr. Kennedy had never set foot in Roomba Fazbenders himself.

Sliverjack herself seems to share similar traits to Blackjack the shadow doggo she seems to be a photo negative walrus who can’t speak proper English and trying to record and translate her voice leaves in death 99% of the time.

It appears she speaks English but in an odd way she only speaks backwards and often uses the “OWO dialectic” while speaking as well.

She can have a tangible body if she should choose to and often stays inside the Roomba Fazbender ball pit most of her intentions are completely unknown the only thing truly known about this... THING is she is sexually interested in Dr. Henry Miller “she has at one point talked about clapping his cheeks” not even Charlie knows why she has this obsession ((she also shows disinterest in the roomba Henry shockingly))

Name: Gunny the gunwalrus 

Gender: Male

Age: 20

Info: Gunny lives inside the Roomba Fazbender swimming pool he for some reason likes to uphold the pool rules to a point where he’ll kill anyone who breaks a single rule.

He fires the gun using his tusks where he gets the ammo or where he even got the gun is unknown like most of the walrus he is unable to speak besides the fact he can use a gun the most odd thing about him is how he’s not dead from the vodka he lives in and how much time he can spend under it at any given time.

he’s kinda like the life guard for the pool as well as long as you follow the rules he most likely will save your life he’s not completely sinister he’s just extremely into law and order ((his gun never needs repairs despite being submerged in vodka 24/7 it works perfectly he has been seen reloading)) 

((now we will talk about the other ones you know nothing about))

Name: Techno

Gender: Female

Age: ???

Info: A walrus trapped inside Roomba Fazbenders several arcade machines she is able to freely move around in any of the games but can’t leave she’s pretty harmless just kind of annoying when your trying to play an arcade game and have her take up your whole screen or apart of it every once and awail she’ll make random loud noises.

please click the read more link to continue reading ((this is so your blog experience won’t be clogged with one single post))

((character idea and artwork made by @lazy-charlie​))

Name: Jacob  

Gender: Male

Age: 21

Info: An amputee walrus who lost his tail completely so he stole some strippers legs and Charlie attached them to him and now the walrus can walk on two legs 

He wears fishnet stockings he also for some reason is able to write down English with his mind ((after the legs were attached)) so he has a single magical wooden sign with him at all times “he’s only here because Charlie wants to see how customers react to a walrus with sexy female legs” 

((The final two unique ones were both made by @clownsuu​ design wise))

Name: Richard 

Gender: Female

Age: died at age 10

Info: A Zombie Walrus when she was alive she was a normal walrus nothing odd about her but on the 10th anniversary of her death she came back to life as a zombie walrus using the pieces of other walrus in the Walrus grave yard in the same town Roomba Fazbenders is located.

She died in 2010 January 1st and came back to life on 2020 January 1st. 

She came back to Roomba Fazbender’s but covered in stickers and even having a bow made from non decaying flesh she seems to be obsessed with a phone guy named “Robert” why she came back is unknown and why she is obsessed with Robert is also unknown. 

Unlike Sliverjack her love isn’t naughty it’s out of respect and she might see Robert as her own hero.

Name: Toof ((The Seal???))

Gender: Gender fluid ((they/them/her/him))

Age: 11

Info: A harbor seal the only actual Seal in Roomba Fazbenders they are the most kind and sweet one there willing to preform for the kids and balance anything on top of her cute little head the oddest thing about him is they seems to be extremely strong she likes cuddles and throwing customers up in the air but tries his best not to hurt anyone.

you feed them some of your food and she’ll clap and do a trick ((why something this wholesome exists in roomba fazbenders is beyond my mind)) 

Name: greg the eyeless walrus

Gender: Male

Age: ???

Info: Greg is a walrus that appeared when the karaoke room was complete Charlie was taking a small lunch break before opening it officially and discovered a walrus made it’s way inside sitting in it’s own chair next to the stage.

Greg is a mostly normal walrus but ... has no eyes rendering him completely blind he’s very much alive but doesn't move all too much Charlie just brings him scraps of food at least twice a day. 

Greg has been known to speak thru the tv screen above him but the most common thing he asks for is someone's eyes AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT GO NEAR HIM or rather don’t get in his face you should be fine. 

Ignore Greg or he will attempt to steal your eyes!

Name: Hubert Chonker

Age: 30

Gender: Male

Info: Hubert is an old seal Charlie stole midnight of July 16th 2022 he’s an old chubby seal who’s just very relaxed and he’ll eat fish directly out of your hand 

He doesn't do much but he will clap slowly if he’s happy and give you kisses if you give him a treat he does breath pretty loudly he’s one of the oldest seals in the world.

He’s Charlie's second favrite child.

[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

FUCK *runs and slides under the table, first checking if theres nothing under it* *shows two middle fingers from under the table to Charlie*

toof flips the table over since nothing was ontop and stared down before flipping henry down and laying on top of him 

*happy walrus noises*