#To my friends & people I love: I'm so sorry for having been so mentally absent. I could hardly look after myself at certain days -

[lunasilvis]

Worst year I personally experienced in 10 years is coming to an ending tonight. This calls for celebration till sunrise.

It was just a lonely, dreadfully long and exhausting year of sowing. So now, please, let the reaping begin 🧡🥂

[thejournallo]

How do i manifest WITHOUT a method?

As always, I will love to hear your thoughts! and if you have any questions, I will be more than happy to answer them! If you liked it, leave a comment or reblog (that is always appreciated!). If you are interested in more methods, check the masterlist!

Many times, especially when we start this journey to learn how to manifest, we tend to believe that the methods are necessary to manifest. which is not true; the methods and technology are a plus, a premium version, a booster, whatever you want to define them as

On this blog, I explain methods over methods, especially because I generally believe that some methods really help us understand what we have around us and help us be grateful before we reach our desires and be grateful even then.

HOW DO I DO IT?

Every experience is different, and what I am going to write is all to be taken as suggestions because you have to live your own experience, and if you have any problems or struggles, I am here to help. One-by-one, I'm going to explain every step based on my personal experience that still helps me manifest even in my darkest times.

Change of mindset: There HAS to be a change of mindset, and for that, I mean to not self-doubt or doubt your inner potential. You are a star, in the literal sense. We come from the universe; we are part of it. Why should we not listen to the universe? Why should we not listen to ourselves? How do you change the mindset? The way that I changed my mindset is a game of play and pretend. Every time i cauth myself having a negative thought, I replaced it with a vocal or mental one by refusing and changing it into a positive phrase. Example: "I'm manifesting a great body, but I'm still a potato." I catch myself having this thought, "No, it is not true that I look like a potato. Some people will envy my body, and my body does a lot for me! I can only manifest to take care of  it."I replace it with a positive remark.

By changing my mindset, I also bring it into existence: How can we know what we want if we don't speak it or say it clearly, not even to ourselves? How can the universe know? How can we change what we don't know? That's why we have to speak about it, reflect on it, and write about it. The clearer it is in our minds, the better. Let me give you a practical example: Person A (me) and person B (the universe) are friends; person B does something that upsets person A; person A does not say that it is upset about person B's behavior; person B tries to insist because it can be seen that person A is upset about something. Person B and Person A get into a fight because Person A didn't communicate. If person A had been clear about how they felt from the start, person B would have known how to react and help better.

I always had a really active imagination,which is not the same as visualizing, but it helps, so visualizing my dream life was always easy, and I always did that even before I found out what it was. Visualization is something I truly believe you can develop with time too. Becoming able to close your eyes and having scenes play in your head is the most powerful tool that we can have to manipulate our 3D reality. Quick and easy visualization can be done everywhere. (Except if you are driving or working with heavy machinery, be aware of your surroundings and when it is time to manifest or not.)

But the thing that helped me manifest most of all was faking and acting: I faked the most of my confidence and beauty until it became true—until it became my reality. I acted, taking actions towards my manifestation. In this way, not only did I impersonate who I wanted to be, but I also took action as them. Let me be more clear than this: I desire to be A, so I fake being A until I don't believe it. I desire an object, thing, body, etc. and for that I have to take action, i do the action!

I hope I was clear with my explanations, and I am so sorry because I have been more absent on my blog. I will try my best to be as present as possible. Have a nice day or night!

[xiaoluclair]

Yo! Hi. So,

Lestappen 7, 16 or 48

Mctwinks 32, 13 or 17

Norstappen 22, 20 or 2

Please and thank you

hi boo, imma get one of these out bc it was draiiinning and write the other two later!

17. to distract // ln4.op81 // G

Liam was a terrible influence, really. The Logan of this morning, bleary eyed and braindead with the prospect of a new day, would never have picked a lock, let alone failed at picking it and been bestowed with detention the entire month.

So. Terrible influence.

It's in the hour before his first detention, where he's stowed himself away in the library next to Oscar, that he gets a WhatsApp notification from his mom. Don't forget eggs for tonight! Also Kat has something to ask you.

logan, pops down from the top of the screen a second later. He thumbs open the message thread. i left dad's present in m02.

good for you, Logan thumbs out, while trying to think of a way to get out of detention that isn't 'I have to buy eggs'.

"What's wrong?" Oscar asks him. "You've got your 'Something is wrong' face on."

"I have to run groceries for my dad's birthday cake," Logan tells him. The time on his phone flicks to 16:57. "And get my sister's present for him that she forgot in the art block, and do this while I'm in detention."

"I can do those," offers Oscar.

"We're going out for dinner at six," added Logan, swinging his rucksack over his shoulder as he stood. "I haven't even told my mom yet. Don't play the Jurassic Park theme tune at my funeral."

Oscar grins. "No promises. And don't tell you mum," he adds, grabbing his own bag and following Logan out of the library, "not today anyway."

"Okay," they turn down a corridor of lockers, "so I should just. Not show up? Happy birthday dad, your son's M.I.A."

Oscar doesn't say anything for a minute. Logan leaves him be, caught up in his own trainwreck. They get to the room with a minute left on the clock. Logan turns to give Oscar a hug. When they pull apart, Oscar gives his shoulder a squeeze, round lump of a nose scrunched up a little with his grin. "Sit near the window," he says. "And leave the rest to me."

Logan enters detention feeling suitably concerned about his best friend's mental health. There's a couple of people already sat down, and a girl takes up the seat closest to the row of windows so Logan takes the seat just behind her. There's no teacher. Two minutes later, a boy lopes in, and drops his backpack down as he props himself on the desk at the front of the room, a wrinkled piece of paper in hand. "Prigard?"

"Here."

"Lawrence?"

"Yup."

"Sargeant?"

"Uh, here," says Logan, staring. He's fairly certain the guy is too young to be a teacher. He barely looks older than Logan. No one else says anything about it though, so.

It's fifteen minutes into the hour, maybe, when the door opens. Logan glances up, history essay blurring on the table. A few others do too, including the guy at the front, who's spent the entire time after taking roll fiddling on his phone.

"Ella Hare?" he says, glancing down at the register sheet. "You're a little late."

"Sorry," says Oscar, slipping slightly awkwardly into the room. "Got stuck in a comb."

Guy At The Front lights up like a very small Christmas Tree. He leans forward slightly. "Glad you found your way out."

Oscar makes his way to the front of the room. By this point, everyone in the is watching with at least an absent boredom. "Sorry to interrupt, mister..."

"Norris," says the guy, grinning.

"Mr Norris," repeats Oscar, stopping at the other end of the desk, and Logan can see his entire face. "What are your thoughts on... defenestration."

Logan puts his pad of paper and pen carefully into his bag. He zips it up as quietly as he can while Mr Norris says, "I love defenderation." Logan's hand slips, and the zipping goes slightly high-pitched and too loud. He freezes, eyes on the back of Mr Norris's head. It starts to turn.

"Hey," says Oscar loudly, quickly, "Mr Norris, are you free right now?"

A pause. "Depends," says Mr Norris. Logan edges out of his seat.

"Would you mind listening to my sister's grade eight saxophone?" Oscar continues. Logan nearly chokes on his own tongue.

"Would I..." echoes Mr Norris, and now he sounds confused.

"Yeah," says Oscar. The girl next to Logan is watching him creep his bag onto his shoulders with raised, incredibly studded eyebrows. Logan wonders if they're legal. "She needs a second opinion?"

"I'm the second opinion?"

"On estimate," says Oscar, and then there's a saxophone blaring through the room, just obnoxious enough for Logan to lift his chair back into the desk and fumble the window open. Now everyone is looking at him. There's a set of twins who look like they're three second away from shitting themselves with laughter.

Logan looks to where Oscar has his phone out. Mr Norris has perched on the end of the desk, back of his curly head to Logan and eyes on Oscar. He reaches up just as Logan puts his leg out of the window, and presses a finger to Oscar's phone. The music cuts out on a high note. "She's good," he says. "But is that what you came here to ask? If you were looking for Brown, then-"

Logan's arm slips and bangs into the window sill. Shit.

"What the-" Mr Norris twists. Logan's mentally signing his death certificate, when Oscar lunges out and his hand goes around Mr Norris's cheek. And then he, to Logan's immense horror, crushes their mouths together.

Logan's pretty sure his jaw just hit the other side of the earth.

Then he remembers why Oscar's just kissed a teacher, and funnels himself the rest of the way out of the window as quickly as possible.

Liam hands him a carton of eggs, the present his sister forgot, and three packs of Daim. "Sorry," he says, sincerely. "I wouldn't have asked if I knew that was all today."

"No problem," says Logan, still reeling. "All in the name of love."

Liam looks at him concernedly. "Right. Are you. Okay?"

"Oscar kissed a teacher," Logan tells him. That's illegal, he's pretty sure. More illegal than twenty piercings in one eyebrow.

Liam's face goes bewildered. "Really? Why?"

Logan groans. "To get me out of detention."

"Why'd he have to kiss a teacher?" asks Liam, confused. "Wasn't Lando taking it?"

Now Logan's also confused. He asks, tucking the eggs, the present, and two of the Daim packs into his bag. "Lando?"

Liam elaborates, taking the Daim pack and opening it so Logan can arrange everything in a way that hopefully won't break the eggs, "Lando Norris? Curly hair, kind of tanned. He's a senior. And a teacher's pet, although I'm not sure how, he's not exactly known for being the perfect academic."

"So he's not a teacher?" Logan checks.

Liam shakes his head, confirming, "Nope," as he passes Logan the opened Daim pack. "Also you better get a move on, or Oscar kissing Lando to get you out of detention is going to mean nothing." Urged on and sufficiently comforted by the knowledge that his best friend will not be sent to jail, Logan rushes to flag down his bus home.

are you alive? he sends Oscar. he isnt a teacher btw hes a senior. also im on the bus.

The reply comes while he's video taping his dad cutting the cake and he's singing Happy Birthday a lot quieter than his mom. That's a relief, it reads, punctuation and all, because I'm pretty sure I asked him out for good measure.

Logan continues recording, and just hopes Oscar's bid for love never involves breaking into the cupboard of art supplies.

[unholydeukae]

Hello you lovely people <3

It's been over six weeks since I last posted on here and I'm so sorry for being absent. My mental health at the moment is... not at its best, to phrase it like that, I'm struggling with a surprisingly heavy depressive episode and more often than not hardly have the energy to get out of bed before most of the day is basically over again. Therefore, it's difficult for me to create content at the moment, although I have a draft sitting in my google docs that I hope I can finish soon.

I'll obviously try my best to write more again because I really miss it and I miss you guys as well, I just don't want to make promises I can't keep, so I can't say for sure that a lot of posts will suddenly appear again - at least from my end.

Speaking of, I'm really glad to have Moon as such a good friend and co-admin in my life; she kept and keeps the blog running despite her uni stress and other things that wear on her nerves, so thank you a lot for that and everything else you do for me!!

I'm aware an apology doesn't quench your thirst for smut, but please also see this as a prospect for a Sunny-comeback hopefully sooner than later!

Lots of love and always take care of yourselves guys 🫶🏼

[humberg]

Update.

Aaaah here we go. Hullo everyone, I'm not sure if any of you have noticed but I have been very absent the past week. Zero interactions, zero likes, zero reblogs, just zero interaction between both tumblr and discord.

I'm not usually one to talk about my struggles, especially regarding my mental health. I'm the type of person who closes myself off from the world, I will literally become a hermit and will refuse to acknowledge anything until the phase has passed. Unfortunately, it hasn't passed as of yet but I wanted to give an explanation or an update if you will on my absence. FYI I will be talking about very sensitive topics such as depression and suicide so please don't read ahead if you feel like you will be triggered by these. The last thing I want is to make you feel uncomfortable with something I want to get off my chest. So I've added a keep reading just to be safe.

Not many people know this about me, but I am the type of individual who will hide all my feelings and self-doubts from the public eye, it's just something my brain has accustomed itself to as I don't want to be a bother to anyone.

Due to this, I have a habit of letting it fester and grow to a toxic level up to where I reach breaking point. I admit that has happened to me recently, I had been neglecting the signs. Work has been an ongoing struggle in itself with my mental health and anxiety which is forever ongoing, there is also the recent random drama that appears in blips within the community that has been a major red flag for me to avoid. And I will admit that I honestly burnt myself out making that pose mod, to the point that I have not opened Cyberpunk since I completed it several weeks ago.

I became a danger to myself, and as a result without warning, I woke up one morning with a sense of no belonging, a loss of hope and motivation for my future, the dread of having to get through the working day, and zero enthusiasm to do anything or get out of bed. Depression is nothing new for me, but this was the first time that I truly felt like it just wasn't worth it anymore. Have I had multiple suicidal thoughts to find peace? Yes, I have. Have I or will I ever act upon these thoughts? No, I haven't and never will. I myself have had first-hand experience of what it is like losing someone to suicide and I would not wish that upon anyone. To reassure you all, I am perfectly safe, I have very supportive family and friends close at hand and I am receiving help on the matter. I just felt that I needed to let you all know, as this is a big part of my life and I don't want to hide it anymore as I realise it is just unhealthy.

I don't want to seem like I am attention-seeking, far from it. Mental health is such a delicate subject and not everyone will agree and see it eye to eye. If you find this update of me sharing my biggest personal insecurity looking for attention? Fine, as long as it gives you the accomplishment of being a better person than I am. I'm just too tired of facing this alone.

I also want to say that I am very, very sorry. I have been absent for over a week and each day I have felt the guilt of not interacting with the tags I have received or giving all your content the love it deserves. I have also been very much absent on Discord, The server is always beaming with life and banter but I just couldn't find myself to face it, not just yet. I feel it is going to take time for me to get better and make sense of it all, I may still be absent from tumblr for a while but do know that I love you all very much and I do miss you. This is just one of those things that cannot be rushed.

<3

[fandomworld9728]

The Life of the Morningstars - Chapter 10:

oh fuck. No. Nononono! If he liked that bastard's scent, then things were about to get very interesting. When was the last time he had been attracted to someone's scent? There was Adam, Lilith, and his human. Yeah, that was about it. So over 200 years and now a fourth scent is added to that list. Though, it didn't seem to have any effect on his body or mental and emotional state so it should be fine. For now, anyways. Now Lucifer had another issue.

He had to get along with Alastor. A confident, powerful alpha. Just the role model Charlie needed. A good role model could also be a good parent- nope! Not going down that road! Maybe his scent was messing with him. Shaking his head, Lucifer gave a nervous laugh and small tug of his collar. "Sorry about that. Sometimes I tend to lash out around alphas. Especially when my pup is present. I-Is it hot in here?"

Giving a small hum at the unexpected apology, Alastor cocked his head to the side to observe the man in front of him. For an absent parent, he seemed rather protective of his daughter. Not to mention how he spoke. Around alphas and not around other alphas. How curious. "Yes. Well, it can't be helped, I'm sure. Not all of us have a tight rein on our instincts."

"Right. It's nice to know that Charlie has an alpha to look up to now. After her mother left that kind of... became difficult to find. Love my two siblings dearly but they are not what I would call the best role models individually. And all the time. Too much of them is not a good thing. And I'm rambling..." He was truly and utterly fucked.

"Isn't it your job to be the role model?"

What? "What? I did raise her, but I don't think I'm the best example of a strong and confident alpha."

Strong? Naturally thanks to his powers. Confident? When he needed to be. Come on, he was an awkward and depressed mess most of the time. Lucifer made sure to teach his daughter not to take shit from other demons (or anyone for that matter) and how to be a loving and caring person. Though, she came by that naturally so there wasn't much to teach there. 

"Anyways! Before you two start to bicker again... Dad. Look at this lovely parlor where people can get to know each other and share secrets, and stories, and intimate feelings!" 

Lucifer loved seeing how happy and excited Charlie was about her dream. He was already starting to feel better. Just look at that smile, listen to the joy in her voice.

"Without Alastor, we wouldn't have been able to pretty it up this much."

"Charlie has a very unique vision. I am happy to fulfill her bizarre requests." 

"Oh. Thank you, Alastor."

Lucifer didn't know what this guy was trying to pull. Nothing. He's just being there for Charlie. But seeing his hand on his pup's shoulder was making his blood boil. She wasn't his daughter. He shouldn't be touching her. The omega knew that Charlie trusted this man and there wasn't any intent to harm in his scent, eyes, or body language. But Lucifer couldn't shake that ever present voice shouting at him to make the other stop touching her. Stoptouchinghisdaughterlikeshe'syours-

Clearing his throat to try and hide the growl that tried to escape, Lucifer moved past the two so they could continue the tour and introductions. Holding himself back from acting on all the alarm bells ringing in his head (he knew he could be an overprotective mother hen at the best of times) was draining him. He was gonna need a nap soon. "That's good to know. I'm glad she has a good support system here. Charlie, could you introduce me to your other friends?"

"Oh! Yes, of course." Quickly grabbing her partner, Charlie was excited to finally introduce her to her dad. "This is Vaggie. She's my girlfriend."

Girlfriend. Lucifer knew this day might come after the talk they had after the disaster of a breakup her and Seviathan had. Good for her! Getting herself back out there and finding someone she absolutely adored. He could see it when she looked at the shorter girl and the warmth in her voice when spoke about her. Smiling, Lucifer shook her hand before hugging her a bit too excitedly. 

"It's nice to meet you Mag- uh Vaggie! Sorry I'm terrible with names. She's so pretty." 

"Lovely to meet you, uh, sir..."

Poor thing seemed just as nervous and awkward as himself. Maybe that's something they could bond over? He'll worry about that later. One of the main things on his mind right now though was the fact that this angel was missing her halo. What happened? Did Charlie know? Did any of them know? If not, Lucifer could understand, being a fallen angel himself. He'd have to talk with her about in private.

"And this is Sir Pentious and Angel Dust, our guests."

"Your majesty!"

"Hey there short king~"

A high strung and goof of a snake inventor and a flirty, cookie stealing, porn star spider huh? His daughter's pack sure was going to be an interesting one. At least there's variety and didn't seem like it would get too boring around here anytime soon. He couldn't really judge. His best friend was an imp who assassinates humans for profit. And is sleeping with Stolas. Not a thought he wanted to linger on. 

"Husk is our bartender and Niffty is our housekeeper."

"Nice to meet you."

Before he could greet the four, the one named Niffty (who might become his favorite because now he was no longer the shortest one in the room), had climbed up him. Huh. Her scent was pleasant even with the odd undertone of blood to it. She also seemed to be the only beta here. 

"Hello. I clean." What an odd kind of crazy laugh she had...

Handing the small cyclopes off to Charlie, Lucifer walked around a bit to really take in the place. Or he would have, if not two steps in the chandelier had fallen down on him.

"Oh shit- Dad!" 

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[krikeymate]

I’m sure you’ve written something about this before but what would happen if say Sam’s hallucinations got worse. There’s another ghostface killer after them but Sam can’t differentiate between what’s real and what isn’t, how would they play out?

I feel like I have spoken about this before but for the life of me I can't find the damn post.

I feel like she would certainly get more erratic, more defensive, more protective. More paranoid. She'd begin to question everyone around her. Except Tara, never Tara. People begin to question her sanity, whether she might be doing this. Mindy warns Tara that maybe this time she'll be safer away from Sam. It infuriates her. How dare she suggest such a thing? This isn't Sam's fault, she isn't doing this. She storms away from her.

Ghostface would definitely use Sam's deteriorating mental state to their advantage. More tech, using recordings, perhaps sending ai generated images to her phone of people she loves injured/dead, manips of her in a Ghostface costume/with a bloody knife.

Sam's pacing, muttering to herself frantically, oblivious to her sister trying to call her name. They're not safe, there's danger all around them, and her father won't shut the fuck up. He keeps telling her to take the initiative, to take out all the threats. He keeps asking her if she's just going to stand by and let her little sister get butchered. Again.

"Sam! Sam!" Tara yells, grabbing at her sister's arms.

The movement makes her freeze, she almost lashes out in surprise, but catches herself at the last moment, simply grabbing back at Tara's arm instead.

"What is it," she asks urgently, suddenly on alert. "What's wrong?"

Tara stares back at her with wide eyes, lips downturned. "What's wrong? What's wrong? You're acting like a crazy person, Sam. That's what's wrong!"

Sam feels like she's been punched in the chest. Crazy. Her sister thinks she's crazy?

"I'm worried for you," Tara continues. "Please," she begs, reaching a hand up to cup Sam's cheek. "Tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

Sam turns her head, kissing Tara's palm. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "I didn't mean to scare you, I'm just... trying to process everything."

Tara's eyes soften. "You don't scare me, Sam."

For a moment, Sam's filled with confidence. "We need to leave, we can't stay here anymore. Ghostface is always one step ahead of us, we need to get out of here and tell no one where we're going."

Then it all comes crashing down.

Tara pulls away, frowning. "We can't just disappear, what about Chad and Mindy, what about Danny?"

Sam bites her lip, staring down at her sister intently. "We can't trust them. They... it's too much of a coincidence. The things they know..."

"Sam, of course we can trust them! They're our friends... our family." Tara can't believe what she's hearing.

"You are my family. They... they know where we are, they know our weaknesses, and yet they're always suspiciously absent whenever we're attacked! Ghostface always goes after the people closest to us, so why haven't they been targeted?" Sam doesn't know who's speaking anymore, her, or her father.

"Then trust me! I trust them."

"Because you've got such a great track record with that."

Tara flinches, taking several steps back. It takes a moment for Sam to register the words that came out of her mouth. When it does, her mouth drops open, horrified.

"Tara... I-" Sam reaches out an arm. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that..."

"Then what did you mean?" Despite the tears in Tara's eyes, her voice is steady, she doesn't look away.

Sam steps forward, and when Tara doesn't retreat, she rests her hands on her shoulders. She has to convince her. She doesn't know what she'll do if she doesn't agree to leave with her. They have to leave.

"It's always someone we know, Tara. Always."

Tara looks away, squeezing her eyes shut.

"I'm sorry. I just want to keep you safe. I can't lose you Tara. You're my whole world."

Her sister takes a deep breath before looking back at her. "Fine. But we aren't going to just disappear, okay? The others deserve to know, in case they aren't trying to kill us."

"You can tell them after we've already left, not before."

"Fine."

Tara hopes this helps, that this is what Sam needs.

[1d1195]

SAM MY LOVE DO I HAVE TO CATH YOU UP ON LIFE😭

Once again none of this will make sense bc it’s all over the place lol

So I’ve been a bit absent for so many reasons and for once it’s not my mental health lol so idk if you remember but i mentioned something about my allergies killing me but turns out it was so much more than allergies 😭 like bestie I GOT SICK! Like sick sick 😭 nothing serious thankfully but it has been very inconvenient timing! I’ve had three midterms to do this past week and sadly I could not get out of them so i basically did them while being on flu medication 😭 like I was not there at all lol I was for sure going through it lol I simply just couldn’t exist and I really had to force myself to be present for those exams lol but I’m a bit better now! A great improvement compared to the beginning of the week lol still not 100% but better!

I sadly had to cancel my plans to go out this weekend too 😔 tragic since I was looking forward to seeing my friends lol

ANYWAYSSSSS in my state of been on too much flu medicine (or is due to the mental illness🤪) I kept getting certain songs stuck in my head and this lyric “ I know it’s hard for you to take a compliment but my life began the day you came into it.” This reminds me of you and your stories! Like it’s very sad and sweet depending on how you view and I know I’m generalizing it but alot of your stories, at least for me, are always so sweet yet can literally break me lol

ALSOOOO bestie I read part 4 and it was so good!!!! I WAS NOT EXPECTING THEIR FIRST DATE AT ALL?!? So that was a nice surprise lol and the fact that they didn’t even make it to dinner it was just kinda cute for them!! Like i don’t think it seems a bit rushed only because at this point they have known about each other for a while and like it’s fiction so this is fine lol but ahh i love that they finally kissed lol im so excited for the next few parts!! Also please don’t feel rushed or pressed to post! I know how busy May will be and it’s okay for missing a weeks of posting!

Also it’s so adorable you get told you look like Belle! Getting compared to a Disney princess is cute! Unless you hate it then idk how to deal with that lol oh blue being your fave makes sense considering your blog theme is blue! I personally don’t have a fave but I do gravitate towards purples and blues but I don’t wear them lol and the thing about undertones and stuff I simply don’t understand that😭like it’s all so confusing for me hahah

I’m sorry your week didn’t start off well :( and knowing that two coworkers had to step in seems like it was rough! I’m sorry that you had to go through that! But I hope you’re better now or at least feel a bit calmer! Being in one’s head too much can be a very tricky and sometimes hard to get out of! I hope your week went a bit better. Hope that your treat yourself a bit this weekend and that you do something that makes you smile!!! I love you so much!!!-💜

I hate getting sick when the weather is getting warmer! (However, in my head, you told me you live on the West Coast and it's always kind of baseline warm so I assumed you were in California but maybe I'm mistaken but if that's the case I guess it's always warm but now it's warmER--anyway!!!) I'm so sorry you were under the weather! I figured midterms were taking most of your attention but fighting illness at the same time 😭 what a tough week!

I know how you feel. My friend invited me to get Chipotle and I declined because I simply reached my limit this week on people and everything. I felt so bad! I actually think she was kind of upset but like I just couldn't fathom going out for an hour+ when I had more stuff to do. Also I was a little annoyed that she made me feel bad about it. Idk, I'm a very independent person so if I want Chipotle, or ice cream, or something...I just go by myself 🤷‍♀️ I used to go to a restaurant between work and my grad school classes and would grade papers all alone at my table. Idk. I got tired of not doing things I wanted to do because I was alone so I just did them by myself.

😭 that's a very sweet lyric! I know exactly what you mean! (It reminds me most of Dolcezza). It's very hard to take a compliment in general hahaha I see that's a Miss Hayley Williams song, I will have to give it a closer listen 💕

TBH I didn't want to describe a dinner date scene 😂 so I thought it would be kinda cute this way I wanted them to actually be more intimate but it will have to wait for the next part No promises yet but I will probs be missing a few updates for sure. The check-ins that I usually post on Thursday are def out the window rn. But honestly the next part of Ding might not be posted till Thursday instead.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE UNDERTONES THING EITHER. My sister explained it to me and I just repeat it every now and again. I'll take being Belle. She likes to read, is very sweet, and I would so push Gaston into the mud given half the chance 🤣🤣

The rest of my week went pretty well actually. I'm feeling a bit burnt out but it is what it is. This week will be a long one but I should get a two-week stretch without a lot going on.

I hope you feel better and get lots of rest this weekend!

xoxo

[books-i-finished-reading]

(24)

City of Glass - Cassandra Clare

( The mortal instruments - book 3/6 )

11th March 2023

"... I saw it, and I thought of you."

"... handling it with grace. ..."

"Normal isn't all it's cracked up to be."

The first time Simon had ever seen Isabelle, he'd found her so striking, so alight with life and vitality and energy, he'd thought he'd finally found a girl who burned bright enough to blot out the image of Clary... It was right around the time she'd gotten him turned into a rat at Magnus Bane's loft party that he'd realized maybe Isabelle burned a little too bright for an ordinary guy like him.

"There's something very wrong with you," he said. "Mentally, I mean."

"Some laws were meant to be broken."

... tired of having no idea what anyone was talking about.

Occasionally he would point out items of interest in a somber voice, like the world's most depressed tour guide.

"How are you feeling?" Clay's neck was aching, her whole body on fire, her mouth dry. "I'm fine," she said.

"She's the only girl in the family too, so she has to keep proving how tough she is. ..." Simon said, almost absently. "You know, since your parents don't know you're gay and all." Alec stopped in the middle of the road... "No," he said, "but apparently everyone else does."

"People believe what they want to believe,"

He shrugged. "I have a fetish for damsels in distress." "Don't be sexist." "Not at all. My services are also available to gentlemen in distress. It's an equal opportunity fetish," he said, ...

"... What are you punishing yourself for? You can't help how you feel."

"... Love makes us liars,"

"I'm glad you want to get to know me. But I just don't have the energy to get to know you. Sorry."

Her euphoria was short-lived.

I'm alone. I've never been so alone, and it's all my own fault.

... what was the point in crying when there was no one there to comfort you? And what was worse, when you couldn't even comfort yourself?

Jace's gaze remained steady. "And quit baring your fangs at me. It's making me nervous." "Good," Simon said. "If you want to know why, it's because you smell like blood." "It's my cologne. Eau de Recent Injury." Jace raised his left hand. It was a glove of white bandages, stained across the knuckles where blood had seeped through.

... she'd hoped for Jace and gotten Sebastian instead.

... made me feel about two inches tall.

"I'd better not regret this."

Somewhere between here and there...

... the death of all joy.

"Alec?" Magnus was staring at him. ... "Did you just-did you just save my life?" Alec knew he ought to say something like, Of course, because I'm a Shadowhunter and that's what we do, or That's my job. Jace would have said something like that. ... But the words that actually came out of Alec's mouth were quite different... "You never called me back," he said. "I called you so many times and you never called me back." Magnus looked at Alec as if he'd lost his mind. "Your city is under attack," he said. "The wards have broken, and the streets are full of demons. And you want to know why I haven't called you?" Alec set his jaw in a stubborn line. "I want to know why you haven't called me back." Magnus threw his hands up in the air in a gesture of utter exasperation. ... "You're an idiot." "Is that why you didn't call me? Because I'm an idiot?" "No." Magnus strode toward him. ... "... I'm tired of watching you be in love with someone else-someone, incidentally, who will never love you back. Not the way I do." "You love me?" "You stupid Nephilim," Magnus said patiently. "Why else am I here? Why else would I have spent the past few weeks patching up all your moronic friends every time they got hurt? And getting you out of every ridiculous situation you found yourself in? Not to mention helping you win a battle against Valentine. And all completely free of charge!" ... "Magnus's cat eyes shone with anger. "I'm seven hundred years old, Alexander. I know when something isn't going to work. ..." Alec stared at him. "I thought you were three hundred! You're seven hundred years old?" "Well," Magnus amended, "eight hundred. But I don't look it. Anyway, you're missing the point. The point is-" ... at that moment a dozen more Iblis demons flooded into the square. ... "Tell you what." Alec reached for a second seraph blade. "We live through this, and I promise I'll introduce you to my whole family." Magnus raised his hands, ... "It's a deal."

Alec shook him, not lightly. "You said you were going for a walk! What kind of walk takes six hours?" "A long one?" Jace suggested. "I could kill you," Alec said, ... "I'm seriously thinking about it."

... that was what you did with family when you'd been worried about them; you grabbed them and held on to them and told them how much they'd pissed you off, and it was okay, because no matter how angry you got, they still belonged to you.

"You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn't you? You couldn't just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?"

"... I lived in fear, as much as I lived at all."

The first morning Simon had been at Amatis's house, a grinning lycanthrope had showed up on the doorstep with a live cat for him. "Blood," he'd said, in a heavily accented voice. "For you. Fresh!" Simon had thanked the werewolf, waited for him to leave, and let the cat go, his expression faintly green. "Well, you're going to have to get your blood from somewhere," Luke had said, looking amused. "I have a pet cat," Simon had replied. "There's no way."

"People aren't born good or bad. Maybe they're born with tendencies either way, but it's the way you live your life that matters. ..."

"... I felt like that-like you were some part of me I'd lost and never even knew I was missing until I saw you again..."

"I love you, and I will love you until I die, and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then."

"... The last night we go to sleep and get up just as we always have. And all I could think of was that I wanted to spend it with you."

... contained, alone, and separate.

You could say anything you wanted to someone you thought you were never going to see again.

"Knowing is better than not knowing. Every time."

"... You were experiments." He smiled at her startled look. "I'm not stupid. I can put these things together. You with your rune powers, and Jace, well . . . no one could be that annoying without some kind of supernatural assistance."

"... He loved you, and it was killing him."

"... as long as I remember what it was like to love you, I'll always feel like I'm alive."

Isabelle, following his gaze, snorted. "Alec, that's a werewolf. A girl werewolf. In fact, it's what's-her-name. May." ... She turned, as if sensing their eyes on her, and smiled. Simon smiled back. Isabelle glowered. Simon stopped smiling hastily-when exactly had his life gotten so complicated?

"Everyone does what they must to survive."

It was beautiful, and also terrifying.

"You could have had anything else in the world, and you asked for me." ... "But I don't want anything else in the world."

"You're here!" Isabelle danced up to them in delight, carrying a glass of fuschia liquid, which she thrust at Clary. "Have some of this!" Clary squinted at it. "Is it going to turn me into a rodent?" "Where is the trust? I think it's strawberry juice," Isabelle said. "Anyway, it's yummy. Jace?" She offered him the glass. "I am a man," he told her, "and men do not consume pink beverages. Get thee gone, woman, and bring me something brown." "Brown?" Isabelle made a face. "Brown is a manly color," said Jace, ... "In fact, look-Alec is wearing it." Alec looked mournfully down at his sweater. "It was black," he said. "But then it faded." "You could dress it up with a sequinned headband," Magnus suggested, ... "Just a thought." "Resist the urge, Alec." Simon was sitting on the edge of a low wall ...

"... We all tell the truth as we see it ..."

"Patience, grasshopper," said Maia. "Good things come to those who wait." "I always thought that was 'Good things come to those who do the wave,' " said Simon. "No wonder I've been so confused all my life."

Every memory was valuable; even the bad ones.

I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish I could slip into your head and see the world the way you do. I wish I could see myself the way you do.

I belong to you. You could do anything you wanted with me and I would let you. You could ask anything of me and I'd break myself trying to make you happy. My heart tells me this is the best and greatest feeling I have ever had. But my mind knows the difference between wanting what you can't have and wanting what you shouldn't want. And I shouldn't want you.

As long as I can still dream, I will dream of you.

[edgyandoverzealous]

Bacause Cringe culture is dead and I am back in my FNAF SB phase. Explaining your Kins as the therapist friend but I'm feeling salty so it's all just calling you out. Except I felt bad after a little bit so they each have a funny/lighthearted one calling me out.

Glamrock Freddy

How's those daddy issues doing?

Was he emotionally absent, physically absent, or was he just distant and unaffectionate?

I'm willing to bet he called you superstar once and you immediately started kinning.

Additionally how're those abandonment issues treating ya?

On a scale from 1/10 how displeased were you when Freddy got dragged away by moon 'cause he powered down before he got to the charging station?

You know he originally was gonna turn on you right? That would worsen your abandonment issues, you should thank Scott for that one.

You are the parent friend btw, Ily please bring bandaids and painkillers I'm accident prone and ignore pain until it's unbearable. We may be going to the ER</3

Glamrock Chica

Are you a Lesbian? Or are you the oldest child who uses gentle techniques of sibling-parenting?

How do you feel knowing you probably aren't listened to?

How's your mommy issues doing?

Do you mayhaps think that people won't want you unless you give them something?

Do you feel like no one takes care of you but you always have to take care of everyone else?

How's your relationship with food going? Yeah, me too. Note that chica physically can't eat by the end as well.

Do you even speak/Do you ever shut up?

Scared of overcoddling but also terrified of taking a step back and away because you feel like if you stop they'll all leave you much?

Choir/Band/Theatre kid or grandparent friend with hard candies in their purse that I would eat wrapper and all because intrusive thought said to and shiny.

Roxxane Wolf

So are you a Lesbian, furry, or e-girl simp? Or are you the oldest child who uses more forceful/low-key mean techniques of sibling-parenting?

How's the crippling self doubt and God complex treating you?

How's crying in your room because you yelled at them and said something mean but don't know how to say sorry going?

What about that inferiority complex?

Pushing everyone away because they'll only leave you? Ding ding ding we have a winner.

Burnt out perfectionist?

You're the type of friend whose love language is bullying and play fighting. Be careful you don't make your friend cry, I am the friend that'd cry.

Monty Gator

Self-destructive behavior, pent up aggression and always looking for a reason to fight?

Anger issues much? Or do you just simp for Bonnie's replacement because you saw one too many human Monty edits?

You're probably short too, huh? Just like the fuse you have when given a chance. Or your big and burly which also is terrifying.

How's your constant existential crisis going?

Do you feel like there's a looming expectation that's too big for you to fill over your head?

Do you feel like you're never first choice?

That you're simply a replacement for everyone else?

How about respect? Do you ever give or receive it? No?

Are you always restless? Yeah? Thought so.

You're the protective friend who is willing to throw hands with anyone who disturbs their friends. Me too honestly, I've been held back on multiple occasions because I'm a short queer man and it's in my veins.

Glamrock Bonnie

So are you still sobbing over that one line, you know the one, or are you living on fan theories? Like how are you still kicking?

How's your mental health? Bad? Yeah I thought so.

Anxiety and depression kin you honey? <3

Disasciotiating royalty, you.

You long for something in your past that cannot be changed.

You fall for what you know you can't have and never will be obtained, don't you?

You felt robbed by the game and that's okay. I miss him too.

Sun/Moon

You scare me, legitimately you scare me. Y'alls fandom is legitimately impressive especially for insert types. You have one of every flavor and are insanely good at drawing the skrunglies less skrungly. Good for you.

Additionally how's healing your inner child going?

And those mommy and daddy issues?

I'm sorry you weren't held as a child?

Too busy parenting everyone else to have been cared for the same?

Forced to grow up too fast?

You were definitely a traumatized child. Adults let you down and now you seek comfort in a robot of two extremes as unstable as your adolescence.

You're the "childish" friend. Silly, sweet, and full of fun but you are by no means innocent. That was stolen from you a long time ago.

Also you either can't sleep or you oversleep or both.

Mapbot

You scare me, legitimately you scare me. The scariest bots in the game??? Really??? Those buddies??? Okay???? Honestly the healthiest option tbh.

You are either a troll or a disaster bisexual or an enby.

You cling to people because you don't want them to leave you, but that pushes them away more often than not.

How does it feel to be so underated and the "side character" in your own life?

You blend in wherever you go even when you want to be seen or when you want someone to help you.

By the way how's the constant desperation going? Aren't you tired of being sane? Don't you want to go absolutely feral?

[katierosefun]

hi caroline can i vent to you a lil bit? i just saw a post with a terrible take about BE and juwon part specifically irked me, probably due to personal experience, so i wanted to share my pov with you.

the post -among many other things- said that juwon had ocd and it was terrible that the writers went "yeah let's just force him to stop by the end of it" and tbh I didn't get it, i always thought that when juwon said "mysophobia, I don't have it" he was right. ocd is an anxiety related issue and my boi definitely has that and it's quite bad yeah. But i always felt like it was due to the fact he was striving to uphold the standards of perfection his father has been projecting onto him since he was a kid. As much as juwon hated him he still tried his best to do everything he could in order to get some sort of praise or acknowledgment from his absent father. So that's why in the end he slowly learns to let go of all of that, he must have felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. He's a complex multidimensional character and both the writer and the director did a brilliant job with BE.

Sorry if i bothered you, I'm probably exactly like that post "why do you like him?" or smth and with ds it's just "look at him❤️" and with jw it's an entire paragraph. yup relatable indeed aldhakd

hi anon! oh, i think i know the post you're talking about, because i remember reading something along those lines pretty early when i was getting into beyond evil . . .

also, this got long. maybe because i have a lot of thoughts + also because i wound up talking more about mental illness rep in beyond evil as a whole:

but like. hm. yes, i absolutely agree with you because while i might not have ocd myself, i do have family members + friends with ocd, and i also have pretty severe anxiety + i used to struggle with an eating disorder, which overlapped with some ocd tendencies (at least, according to what my friends/family struggling with ocd told me from their own perception of me). because of that, i absolutely saw joo won and his tendencies and realized that. like. yeah, a lot of his behaviors can absolutely stem from anxiety-driven issues like ocd.

i think what makes me personally upset about the kind of "ugh the writers just dropped joo won's ocd storyline" is that it totally misses the fact that not all mental illnesses or disabilities are quite the same. because mental illnesses like ocd or anxiety disorder or panic attack disorder are actually mental illnesses that people want to better cope with/somehow heal from. when i was younger, i remember being told by someone who was also struggling with similar mental illnesses as mine that "yeah, you're never gonna get 'better'--this thing is gonna stick with you forever", and as a teenager, that really made me scared about like. oh my god. am i going to personally be living this weird half-life for the rest of my days? that's terrible.

but of course, that's not true! yeah, people with mental illnesses like ocd, anxiety, depression, etc--they all struggle from time to time, and that def. all varies with different degrees of stress (ie. my own anxiety and depression gets significantly worse when i've encountered a triggering situation, and my own past eating disorder tendencies like to pop in when i'm feeling stressed out with work/school/etc). but the thing about these mental illnesses is that you can get better, usually with the help of therapy, medication, a support system and, as cheesy as it sounds (but it's true!), compassion and love for yourself.

in the case of han joo won, who has clearly never had a very stable family or friends situation, it would make sense that his own ocd or other unspecified mental illness would be pretty severe at the start of the show. we've seen how he was raised, even if only for 5 minutes--we see his interactions with his father. it seems that his family also has some history of mental illness too, given how his mom was.

but the great thing about the show is that over the course of the series, joo won gets some greater sense of support and love than he had felt in his entire life. even when he was still being a jerk, the station was so accommodating to joo won (ie. chief nam cleaning out the bathroom for joo won if he wanted to take a shower, and then even later, ji hwa telling jae yi that wait, inspector han needs new bowls in a totally nonjudgmental manner).

the thing about han joo won no longer struggling as severely with his ocd is simply because he's received more support. he's found people who seem to genuinely care about him, and i think along the way, he subconsciously started to let go of his tendencies. his entire dirty history is out there--and unlike han ki hwan, who was so obsessed with perfection, the manyang gang love and appreciate han joo won anyways, annoying attitude + messy mistakes + all. ofc, love doesn't "fix" a mental illness, but it helps one get better, because that's what a support system is all about.

it's also worth noting that, like, beyond evil is a show that's very conscious about the discussion around mental illnesses. dong sik pretty clearly struggles with some kind of ptsd, and jeong je pretty clearly struggles with his own depression, and even oh ji hoon's mentioned in passing about struggling with depression. but what i like about beyond evil is that writer kim su jin and director shim na yeon and the entire cast also seemed pretty intent about those depictions of mental illness--oh ji hoon's a pretty sunshine-y looking guy, for starters, all smiles and cheer, which is the exact opposite people assume of those struggling with depression. (the most frustrating thing a depressed person can hear is oh, you don't look like you have depression though?) as for dong sik, we see him pretty clearly struggling on his own (crying alone in the basement, tucking himself away when he's grieving, the fact that he sleeps on the couch without any heat speaks volumes about how little he cares about himself), but as soon as he's around friends or his loved ones, he automatically puts on a whole act. as for jeong je, we see that he's a pretty timid guy, maybe the kind of more expected representation we see of depression and/or anxiety, but maybe that makes a little more sense, given his relationship with an overbearing mother who never really . . . allowed him to heal or get better, even despite sending him to all those doctors.

in short, i think that it's pretty unfair + also kinda narrow-minded to act like writer kim su jin dropped joo won's ocd line. she's been super intentional with everything in beyond evil, and the fact that joo won slowly loosens up on his tendencies was just another factor that really demonstrated how he'd started to get more comfortable around people who actually liked him for who he is, not for this perfect, logical robot that he was pressured into being. human beings are messy! for han joo won, who cries when he's frustrated or angry or getting scolded, being loved and respected and liked gave him enough reason to let go of his own ocd tendencies and get better.

[myloversgone]

So, I don’t usually share personal stuff here or on any other social media, but it's been bothering me how absent I'm being from tumblr during the last three months or so, and I feel like I needed to explain it, which is why I'm making this post.

In late June I found out I had gallstones, and that I would need surgery to have my gallbladder removed. This came after several months of feeling sick all the time, not being able to eat properly, and then investigating the cause, which was all a huge annoyance.

The surgery took place at the end of last month, and it went well, despite my gallbladder being in worst shape than the doctor initially thought, which led him to put me on antibiotics. And this is where things got a little more complicated.

I had and allergic reaction to the antibiotics, and it appeared two days after I was done taking them - which I came to learn it's normal with this particular type of medicine. But, because of that, I had to take lots of meds to cure the allergy. That lasted two weeks or so.

After that was solved, I thought, well, now things are gonna get easier! I just need to heal properly from the surgery and then everything's going to get back to normal.

Silly me.

Lately, I've been dealing with an upset stomach, and nothing I eat stays inside me for long LOL. So I needed to see a doctor again, and he gave me more meds and a bunch of tests to make sure everything is working properly. He thinks it's still a side effect from the antibiotics. Apparently, it messed up with my digestive system.

So it's been a month since my surgery and six or seven months since I became to feel unwell. That's been taking a huge toll on my mental health, because I honestly can't remember the last time I felt 100% ok.

I was never one to be ill all the time, and now I've been seeing more doctors than ever, and I just hate it. I can't concentrate, I can't write, I can't enjoy the things I love to do, like being around here, talking with my friends and mutuals, reading fanfiction, or just chatting about the things I love the most.

I can't even begin to tell you how frustrating this all is, and how I wish I knew how to cope with all of that.

I know I'm complaining about stuff that will probably pass sooner than later while some people have to live with permanent diseases, but I just felt like I owed y'all an explanation. Also, writing this has helped me organize my thoughts.

I'm sorry for it all and I hope I can be myself soon and be around more!

Wish you all the best,

x

[vvitchering]

I love, LOVE, your writing! Would you be up for some hurt/comfort Gesekel? I'm a sucker for it, especially along the lines of Geralt thinking Eskel has died on the path but then he shows up with his grin and the whole "you should know better Wolf". 💜

I’m so happy to hear that you enjoy my writing ;w; I write for you guys so getting feedback like this literally fuels me. I am also a sucker for hurt/comfort so you are absolutely in luck~

--

It’s never a pretty sight when he makes his way through settlements ravaged by the war. As Nilfgaard pushes ever northward, the people suffer. Geralt is used to carnage wrought by mindless creatures, but seeing the violence done by men to men makes his stomach turn. The bright side, if it can be called a bright side, is that with war comes death, and with death come monsters. War can be profitable for witchers, if there is coin left to be paid. 

He’s just north of White Orchard, in one such town left ransacked and bloody by a skirmish. The notice board had been covered in desperate pleas for assistance with the encroaching necrophages, drawn in by the stench of blood and bodies. Ghouls and Algouls looking to make meals of the dead would quickly move on to living prey once the bodies were devoured. A witcher was needed. Geralt holds one of the contract offers in his hand as he talks to the barkeep at the town’s tavern, one of the only buildings left intact. 

“Ghouls were a big problem, yeah, but you’re a bit late. Another witcher beat you to them, though that might be to your benefit.”

Geralt frowns. He doesn’t often encounter other witchers. They tend to stick to their own territories. 

“And how is that to my benefit exactly.” Geralt asks, already mentally counting his losses. If this town was already clean, he had a week at least to go before he again encountered a settlement big enough to find work in. 

The barkeep gives him a slightly sympathetic look.

“He drove out the flesh eaters, but they still got ‘im in the end. Poisonous bite, you know? Got ‘im right in the neck and it wasn’t long before he stopped moving. Real shame. Wasn’t a bad guy for a witcher, had a bit of good humor about 'im, even with that scarred face of his.”

Geralt’s heart speeds up despite himself. There are plenty of witchers with facial scars. It’s not him. 

He asks the barkeep to describe the good humored witcher. 

Brown hair, strong jaw, wide nose, and terrible scars that disfigured the side of his face and twisted his mouth. 

Geralt’s blood chills in his veins. It’s not possible. No way he’d let something as mundane as a ghoul take him out. 

“Friend of yours?” the barkeep asks.

Geralt is reeling, still trying to process the information, still finding loopholes, when the man reaches underneath the bar and produces a long thin object, wrapped in a white sheet. 

“Was gonna try to sell it, but if he was your kin it’s rightfully yours.”

Any doubt Geralt was trying to hold onto vanishes as he pushes aside the sheet. It’s a witcher’s silver sword, adorned with runes as familiar as the ones on his own sword, and altered at the grip to be easier for larger hands to wrap around comfortably. It’s Eskel’s, unquestionably. And no witcher would let his silver out of his sight unless...

“Where.” Geralt bites out. “Where is he.”

“The body? Dragged ‘im to the old oak by the hill. Couldn’t spare the labor to bury ‘im, you understand, but it seemed the least we could do for his help.”

Geralt snatches Eskel’s sword from the bar and leaves as quickly as his feet can carry him. He leaves Roach tethered outside and takes off at a run toward the hill he can see by the edge of the town. It’s a mistake. It has to be. It can’t be, the evidence is in his hands, but it must be. 

There’s a figure resting at the base of a huge oak that looms into view the closer he gets to the hill. It’s not him. It can’t be him.

Geralt skids to a stop. Falls to his knees in the dirt, the sword slipping from his hands to rest in front of him. 

Eskel is splattered with dried but foul smelling blood and his armor is ripped and tattered. The townspeople must have arranged him in the dignified position he laid in; back straight, eyes closed, his steel sword resting on his chest. They’ve laid him to rest like they would a respected warrior, albeit one who they couldn’t spare the resources to bury or burn.

There’s a high pitched agonized whine coming from somewhere. It takes Geralt a moment to realize it’s coming from his own throat. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew this day would come. No witcher ever died in his bed. But for it to be Eskel, already... They were both still young, by witcher standards, barely men, not even at their first hundred years. And Eskel was gone. 

Distantly, Geralt registers that he’s crying. He feels lightheaded, like his soul is trying to escape and go somewhere else, like it can’t stand to exist in a reality where Eskel does not. Geralt shuffles forward on his knees until Eskel is close enough to touch. He bends over the fallen witcher and presses his face to his neck, searching for his scent, one last memory to hold onto. 

Eskel’s lightning storm essence is there still, underneath the putrid stink of necrophage blood. Geralt breaths it in, greedy, desperate, tears dripping from his face to Eskel’s neck and leaving tracks in the filth there. 

And then he hears it. A weak fluttering thud. A heartbeat. Geralt freezes, doesn’t even dare to breath, lest he destroy himself all over again with false hope. 

A moment passes. Then another. 

The dull thud sounds again. 

He’s alive. 

The relief is sudden and all consuming. Geralt collapses, curls around Eskel as best he can with all of their armor between them, and lets his sobs shake him apart. Eskel’s heart is slow, slower than even a witcher’s should be, and his chest doesn’t move at all for how shallow his breaths are, but he’s alive. 

He’s alive.

Geralt tries to match his breaths to Eskel’s and finds himself slipping into meditation. Eskel is clearly on a deeper level than Geralt has ever experienced, if being handled and transported by humans and having his sword taken from him didn’t draw him out of the trance. Geralt drifts, exhausted by both his grief and his joy, and only stirs when he feels the pillow he’s made of Eskel’s chest shift under him. 

Eskel groans and it’s the most beautiful sound Geralt has ever heard in his life. He sits up in a hurry and snakes a hand under Eskel’s neck to help the larger witcher sit up. His eyes are open and his pupils shrink and grow rapidly as he blinks and reorients himself. His gaze lands on Geralt and he smiles.

“Could’ve used you here a few days ago.”

His voice is rough and dry, but the deep tones are instantly comforting.

“You so far off your game you let a few ghouls turn you into a chew toy?” Geralt teases.

Eskel rolls his eyes and and moves to rotate his shoulder until it pops satisfyingly. He stretches his neck, producing a similar crack, and Geralt catches a glimpse of the half healed bite wound on Eskel’s neck. The barkeep’s story had been true, then. He brings a hand up to smooth down Eskel’s collar and lightly brush over the angry red skin. Eskel hisses and slaps his hand away.

“Gonna scar.” Eskel says gloomily. “I’ll never live it down.”

“You will. You’ll live.”

Geralt means it to sound light and humorous, but the look Eskel gives him says his joke didn’t quite land the way he’d hoped. 

“I’m fine. It was just a ghoul. Got me in a hell of a shitty spot, but it’ll take more than that to get rid of me.”

“I know, its just...They told me you died. You looked dead. I couldn’t hear your heart.”

Eskel reaches up and slides his fingers through Geralt’s hair to cup the back of his head. He pulls lightly, bringing Geralt close enough to knock foreheads with him. It’s an action that they’d done since they were children at Kaer Morhen, their own special way of being close. Geralt can hear Eskel’s heart now, beating away strong and loud in his chest. 

“I’m sorry I scared you. I really am fine.” Eskel says quietly, rubbing absently at Geralt’s scalp with the hand buried in the white strands. 

Geralt leans into the pressure for a moment and then pulls away, clearing his throat after the emotional display.

“Don’t fucking do it again.” Geralt says, feigning annoyance. 

Eskel laughs and Geralt once again has a new favorite sound. 

“Yeah, sure, Wolf. I’ll do my best.”

*~*

:’) well that certainly got away from me. I hope this makes up for how long it took me to answer!!

[stay-outta-my-blood-circle]

dear slashers,

(tw ed)i don’t really know where i’m going with this but i’m like really really struggling. i’ve been struggling with bulimia since around june 2020 and only my close friends know. it’s got so much worse since then and i feel like it’s completely consumed me. i’m still a teen, so i’m still under the children’s mental health service here, but in october 2020 i got let go because they couldn’t help me anymore even though they knew i was doing worse than ever:( i feel so lost and helpless and like i can’t reach out because i’m either annoying my friends or if i tell someone like a tutor i’ll possibly be back in therapy, which ended up making my mental health a lot worse last year, so i’m just scared i guess:( thank u for even reading this, i just needed to vent and slashers have gave me so much comfort recently, i just really don’t know what to do, i just feel so worthless:(

(also hi bo, i rly rly love u<3)

A bit of a scuffle breaks out over your letter. Thomas opened it and showed it to Brahms (these two are responsible for most of the sorting), who gestured for the others. Vincent, Bo, and Jesse joined them, looking over the letter. Bo tried to take it, Vincent grabbed his wrist, Bo shoved him away - and then Jesse stepped between them, keeping them apart, and snatched the letter.

Use your words, boys, he signs, then looks at Vincent and follows up, shrugging: or, you know - hands.

"It's got my name on it, they wanna talk to me - " Bo growls.

You're not qualified to handle this, Vincent signs heatedly.

"Oh, and you are?" Bo scoffs.

No, BUT, Vincent signs, then points.

Hannibal looks up as all eyes turn his way.

"Ah - one for me, perhaps?"

Bo grabs the letter back from Jesse, who then turns slowly - menacingly - toward him. Bo ignores this in favor of striding toward Hannibal.

"Fine, but I'm helping, and I'm goin' first," he grouses, plopping down next to the psychiatrist and pulling out a pen with a heavily chewed cap. Hannibal reads the letter over Bo's shoulder as he begins to write.

Dear sweetheart:

I'm real sorry you're in this kind of trouble. That's a rough one for sure. I get feeling helpless about it, but you don't have to feel alone - I'm sure your friends want to support you, so I think you should keep talking to them. I know I would want the people I care about to come to me with problems like this.

His eyes flicker reflexively to his brother, who is deep in ASL conversation with Jesse.

You're not annoying, and you're not worthless - everybody's got a demon or two, and plenty of people struggle with the same one as you. It's not your fault, and you don't deserve it, but life can be a bitch sometimes and we have to deal with what we're given.

He pauses for a moment, absent-mindedly rubs the scars encircling his wrist.

Anyway, darlin, I'll hand you over to the shrink now. Just wanted you to know I'm in your corner. Be brave.      Love, Bo

After he signs, Bo shoves the letter toward Hannibal, then sits back in his seat, crossing his arms.

"I'm watchin' you," he says, glaring at Hannibal, "better be nice."

Hannibal chuckles, brandishing an expensive-looking fountain pen. Where the previous words had been written in a blocky scrawl, this section of the letter continues in elegant, flowing script.

Beauregard isn't wrong - support is important.

Bo scowls, gripping his pen as if he'd like to use it to inflict a few puncture wounds.

If your friends or family aren't equipped to help you, a support group may be a good alternative. Your issue is a common one - there are likely several online groups you could join, if a traditional meeting isn't right for you. There are also helplines you can call (or perhaps text). Either of these options would be useful in pointing you toward other resources, as well. This is not something you should try to fight alone.

Additionally - this condition is quite serious, and especially since it has worsened lately, I must encourage you to seek professional help. It is unfortunate that you've had a bad experience with therapy, but do keep in mind that there are several different types of therapy, and all therapists are unique. It is possible that your previous mode of therapy (or even your specific therapist) was not the right fit for you, but it is important to try again. (Antidepressants are commonly part of the treatment regimen, and a psychiatrist or doctor would have to prescribe those.)

Take heart. You can get through this. Don't be afraid to reach out for support.

Hannibal signs his name, then leans back to meet Bo’s eyes.

"Was that nice enough for you, or shall I revise it?"

"Wouldn't say it was mean," Bo huffs, "my part was nice enough for the both of us, I guess."

"We make a good team, then. I look forward to our next collaboration," Hannibal smirks, rising from his chair, leaving a rather flustered Bo alone at the table.

[hot-wiings]

The Chapter Contains Enji Todoroki. If this makes you triggered, or uncomfortable don't proceed.

Edited: 5-18-20

#1. I Love How You Patch Me Up. 

You let out a sigh as you dabbed Touya Todoroki's eyebrow with a cotton ball. He hissed as the hydrogen peroxide soaked ball of cotton made contact with his skin, burning him as it cleaned out the cut.

"Sorry."

"Just stings."

Touya watched you from the spot where he sat on the barstool. You pulled your lip between your teeth and he knew you were upset. Upset that you had to make him sit through the extra pain of cleaning out his cuts with ointment and peroxide. 

You weren't just upset, but livid. Livid that his father would hurt him like this. Livid that his mother didn't step up and protect him. Most of all, you were livid that she wouldn't even stay around to clean him up, but rather left him to patch himself up.

Your heart hurt for Touya, it truly did. You knew what it was like to have your father, a respected man, lay a hand against you—that's how you originally met Touya in the first place.

You were both in a local drug store looking for peroxide and medical materials, the same day with the same purpose and reasons. You both happened to reach for the same bottle as if fate intended for you to meet. You ended up helping him patch himself up that day.

You carefully pressed a bandaid over Touya's eyebrow cut before moving onto a new one. Your eyes briefly flashed down to his teal orbs before going back to your task at hand.

"Why'd he get so angry this time?"

"I told my parents I wanted to apply to UA. Enji told me I wasn't cut out to be a hero, I disagreed."

"And your mother? What did she say."

"She didn't say anything... But I know she agrees with him."

Your hand pressed down harder on Touya's cut. Sensing your anger, Touya pulled your hand from his cut cheek to his mouth. Ignoring the pain from his busted lip, he kissed your tense knuckles.

"I hate them so much. I hate how he treats you. I hate how she doesn't stop it. She doesn't even try!"

"Can you really blame her? If she intervened then my busted face would be hers. If he didn't hit me, he would be hitting her."

"That's not how a mother should act. A mother would step in, a mother would protect you. You protect her so much, but she has never done shit for you."

"How would you know? You don't even have a mother." 

His comment deeply bothered you, but you knew that it didn't come out of malice but rather a defense. It didn't make it hurt any less, however, you didn't retaliate with words but actions. 

With a tight smile, you soak a cotton ball in hydrogen peroxide and aggressively press Touya's lip with the substance. He winced, but he couldn't be mad. You would never hurt him on purpose, instead, you took out your anger by cleaning him up, something that you knew would hurt him but something that essentially needed to be done. 

"I'm sorry, that was mean." 

"It was."

"I just hate when you talk bad about her, she's not a bad person. He is, but she's not. She's sweet with Fuyumi and Natsou, it's just cause' I look so much like him. She thinks I'm just like him."

A tear falls down from Touya's pretty teal eyes. It dribbled down his cheek and mixed in with his cuts. You turned your own gaze to the ground, as you couldn't help but let a few of your own fall as well.

"You're not your father Touya." 

"You're right, I'm not my father. That's why it doesn't matter if I let him hurt me, cause' at least I know I'm not enabling a monster like him to hurt my mom."

Touya slips his arms around your waist and pulls you closer between his legs. He used his hand to tilt your chin up making you look him in the eyes as his other hand traced circles into the bare skin of your hip above your jeans.

"I wish we could just get away from them all." 

Touya let his head rest against your chest and he softy murmured into your skin as you ran your fingers through his bright orange locks.  

"One day I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. You'll come with me, right?"

Your lips quirked up into a small smile. You leaned your neck down and kissed the top of Touya's head.

"Of course. After all, you'd be hopeless without your unlicensed doctor."

"I think you meant my pretty, unlicensed doctor." 

Touya could still feel the heat from your kiss on his head, lingering and begging for more. It was then in that moment as you patched up his wounds that he realized how he really felt about you. He really wanted to say those three unspoken words, the words he was so cautious about handing out, but he didn't. Instead, he held his best friend and let her patch up his face. 

#2. I Love How You Won’t Let Me Go. (Even When I Push You Away.)

He knew what he was doing was horrible. He knew what he was doing was going to break your heart. He was doing the worst thing. It would be like stabbing you in the chest and twisting the knife. 

Touya Todoroki knew what he was doing would hurt you, but that didn't stop him from packing his bag with any essential items he would need. He knew it would hurt you, but that didn't stop him from discreetly leaving you a heartfelt goodbye letter in your mailbox before he headed off to school. 

He knew it would hurt you, but that didn't stop him from walking to the nearest bus stop right after school got out. He knew it would hurt you, but he still bought a ticket to the farthest destination anybody would look for him, a ticket he bought a week in advance from his departure date. 

He knew it would hurt, yet he still attempted to go through with it. What he hadn't expected was to see you standing there at the bus stop when he arrived. He hadn't expected to see you, arms crossed with a furious look spread across your face. 

"Were you really going to leave?" 

His eyes flowed from the scorned look of betrayal on your face down to your hand which held the letter he left in your mailbox. It was bunched up in your fist and your knuckles were white from clenching it so hard.

He could see the tears building up at your eyes, and his chest felt heavy with regret. He pulled on the arm straps of his backpack tighter. He was scared of hurting you. He was careful to choose his next words, wary of breaking you even more. 

"How did you even get from school to home to here so fast?" 

"Maybe if you hadn't been avoiding me like the black plague, you would've known that I was absent from school today." 

"Why were you absent? Did your father-"

"Don't. Don't ask about my father. You don't have that right, not after you broke your promise." 

The tears started dribbling down your cheeks and you looked up at the sky to avoid looking at him with your blurry tear-filled orbs. 

"You promised. You promised that you would take me with you. You said we’d escape our parents together… But you were going to leave without me. You weren't even going to give me an actual goodbye."

Your voice sounded quiet and simply broken. The tone you used with him was hurt and lifeless. He wished you would scream, he wished you would yell. Anything would be better than the broken tone you held. Anything would be better than the broken tone he caused. 

"How could I take you with me? I'd just be dragging you down."

Touya took a deep breath and closed his eyes, mentally preparing himself for the words he had to say to you. 

"You wanna know why I got so distant? My mom got put in a mental institute and our last conversation was her telling me I was gonna end up just like Enji. I can't be anywhere near you. I won't let myself treat you like he treats people." 

Touya made the motion to turn as his tears started to leak down his eyes. He started to turn away from you, letting his last words to you serve as a goodbye. You quickly grabbed onto his arm, stopping him and pulling him back. You would not let him go, not like this. 

“I'm not a good person, [Y/N], it's better if I just leave." 

"I will not let you walk away from me, I will not let you walk away from the past seven years. If you can look me in the eyes and truthfully say our friendship has meant nothing, that I have meant nothing to you, then I'll let you walk away." 

“That's not fair. I could never say that to you. I'm not leaving because of you. I'm leaving for you. For fuck's sake! If my own mother, my flesh and blood, couldn't love me then no one can. I'd just drive you insane.”

“That's bullshit! Cause' I love you, and I'll always love you." 

The thing you so belligerently tried to keep from your best friend was out in the open. You felt naked and vulnerable now that the words were out of your mouth.

"You love me?" 

His voice sounded so hesitant and scared of the answer. He looked at you but you were looking at the ground, scared to meet his eyes. You took a deep breath before divulging in the secret you kept so well. 

"You’re the reason I have the strength to wake up every day despite knowing what's in store with my dad. You make it worthwhile every day when I see you in school, you make me feel like I'm actually important. I love you, I've always loved you... And if you still want to leave despite knowing that, then just leave.”

Touya cupped your cheeks in his hands and tilted your face up, forcing you to look up at him. His hands on your cheeks felt warm, you wished for nothing more than to stay like that. 

“You always take time out of your day for me. Whether it's homework, an injury, or just to ask me about my day, you're there. You’ve never once got disgusted by my scars. I think I love you more than I value my own life and that scares me.”

Touya pressed his lips against yours. They felt warm and soft. You could smell his distinct scent of ash from his quirk. Words could not describe the way you loved the way ash smelt on him.   

“But I can't stay with a family who hates me. Come with me doll. Leave your shitty dad and come with me.”  

“Touya, I’d follow you to the ends of the earth if it meant being with you.”

#3. I Love How You Don’t Judge Me.

With a grocery bag in his hand, Touya unlocked the door to the dingy motel room you had been staying in together. It wasn't much, but it wasn't somewhere someone would think to look for the son of the famous hero Endeavor. It wasn't much, but you didn't care as long as he was with you. 

Touya locked the door behind him before walking further into the motel room and dropping the grocery bags at the foot of the bed where you laid reading a book. You looked up from your book and smiled at Touya. 

“Hey there.”

Touya leaned down to your face and pressed his lips against yours, giving you a quick chaste kiss. 

“Hi.” 

"What’d you get at the store?” 

“I got some instant ramen.”

“Same as yesterday, yummy.” 

You picked up the grocery bag and carried it to the tiny microwave that the motel had provided in every room. 

“Instant ramen in a rundown motel room. I'm sorry, I know it's not ideal.” 

You turned your head to the side to look at Touya. A smile played on your lips as you made eye contact with him. 

“I knew what I was signing up for when I came with you, besides, I like instant ramen.”   

You added water to the containers and popped the ramen inside the microwave before pressing on the right buttons to turn it on. Touya came up behind you and wrapped his arms around you. He gave you another chaste kiss, this time on the side of your temple. 

“Will you dye my hair?”

“Really? I really like your orange hair.” 

You turned around in Touya's arms and looked him in the eyes to see if he was serious. It was so out of the blue, he had never had any interest in dying his hair before. As you ran your hands through his orange locks it wasn’t hard to guess what was going through his head. He was a spitting image of Enji. 

“I have a job interview tomorrow, but I don't wanna go to it like this. I don't wanna go to it looking like a younger version of him. I want a whole new identity.”

“I really like your orange hair, but I'll love you no matter what hair color you've got.”

You walked over to the second grocery bag Touya had brought home and pulled out the black hair dye. You ripped the box open as Touya took a seat on a wooden chair in front of you. You ripped open the powders and dumped the powdered dye into the liquid chemical bottle before placing a lid on it and shaking it up. 

“Tip your head back.” 

You ran your fingers through his hair and applied the dye thoroughly as you rubbed it in his roots. You made sure not to leave a single inch of orange hair untouched. 

You washed your hands and set a timer on your phone before retrieving your ramen bowls from the microwave and placing one in front of him and taking your place in the chair across from him. 

“Thank you, doll.”

“Of course babe. I just hope it takes to your hair well, orange hair can be unpredictable when dyeing. We might have to go to the store and get another box.” 

Touya sat there with you, happily eating away at the ramen you cooked for him. He wasn't sure how much time had passed when you asked the question he dreaded you asking. 

“What's the job interview for?” 

Touya bit down on his lip as he debated whether or not he should tell you. If he honestly told you what the job was, then you might get mad. On the other hand, he wanted to have an honest relationship with you. 

“It’s for a position in the league of villains.” 

You stared at him speechlessly as the timer went off on your phone. He wasn't sure what to make of your expression. You didn't look mad, or angry, but you didn't look happy or pleased either. Despite being best friends for most of your lives, Touya couldn't identify your expression. Not being able to tell what you were feeling made Touya nervous.  

“You should wash your hair.”

“[Y/N]-”

“Go wash your hair before it falls out!”

He knew you were angry. He thought you were. You had to be. So instead of staying to talk it out, he retreated to the bathroom to wash out the chemicals as you took a seat on the edge of the bed. Each minute that passed felt like years to the both of you. 

After what felt like a millennium, Touya emerged from the bathroom with a now black stained towel in his hand. You took a deep breath before smiling at your lover as he walked closer to you.

“You want to be a villain?” 

“I- I know you're upset and disappointed, but I can't be a hero. I can't be that heroic guy you want and need. You can judge me all you want, but I can't be that.”

“Oh, baby… I would never judge you.” 

You reached up and grabbed Touya by the sides of his head. With your thumbs, you wiped away the tears that had begun making their way down his cheeks and you gently pulled his face down to yours. Touya got on his knees and wrapped his arms around you as you cradle his face on your chest. 

“I’m not upset, or disappointed either. You want a new identity, I understand that. I literally just dyed your hair, I'll even help you pick a new name. I was just shocked to hear you say, villain.” 

“I can't be a hero [Y/N], they're so corrupt. I- I can't be someone like Enji. He was a hero and he was a bastard. I'm sorry if you hate me for this but I can't be someone like that.” 

“Hey, I said I wasn't gonna judge you, and that meant I wouldn't ever hate you either. It just scares me. Hero or villain, it's a risky occupation.”

You run your fingers through Touya's newly black damp hair. It felt nice to him and it did miracles to soothe his tears. There were countless times where he found himself in this exact spot growing up, usually after he and Enji had a fight. 

“It's a risky occupation. But hey, if you get to do something dangerous, then I can too.” 

“[Y/N].”

“If you're joining the villains, then I am too. Who else will bandage up your wounds properly? Somebody's gotta keep you alive.”

Touya pressed his lips against yours. This kiss wasn't a chaste one like earlier, but one of longing and want. It was filled with lust and passion and hunger. 

“Okay, we’ll do it together.” 

#4. I Love How You Reassure me. 

You sat on the closed edge of the toilet in your shared apartment as you stared down at the tiny thin stick in your hands. You were nervous and your whole body was tense as you stared at the stick with anticipation as you waited for the timer on your phone to go off.

Every passing minute felt like decades and with every passing second, the pounding of your heartbeat got faster. The timer beeped and you looked at the stick for the results. Two lines were present signifying positive. 

The tears sprang from your eyes. You weren't sure what the appropriate response should have been but the whole situation left you feeling overwhelmed. What kind of lifestyle would you be bringing a child into? You were a villain now, and although you worked for the league of villains in a more medical aspect, your lover, the father of the baby, held a big role for the league of villains. 

Occupations set aside, you weren't even married, nor did you and Dabi, the name Touya was going by these days, had much knowledge on how to raise a child. Yet the more you thought about how you carried something so precious in your womb brought a soft smile to your face. The more you thought of raising a child with Dabi, you felt better and more secure. 

You heard keys jingling in the apartment doorknob followed by the sound of boots coming in the doorway and you could soon hear Dabi's deep voice resounding throughout the house.

"Sweetheart? I'm home."

You started to panic as you heard him walk closer to the bathroom. Should you hide the test, or just tell it to him straight? There was a slightly unsettling feeling in your stomach that Dabi wouldn't be happy about the predicament, but you had an open and honest relationship with Dabi. 

The door to the bathroom was pushed open and Dabi made his way inside ready to scold you. 

"You're sick, you should be resting in bed." 

Being sick was just an excuse to take a day off from league work to slip away and buy your pregnancy test. To be fair, you were sick earlier due to morning sickness.

"I'm feeling better now, and, I uh, I have something for you." 

You looked at the ground and ran one hand through your hair nervously as you used your other hand to push the pregnancy test into his hand. He took it, not even realizing what it was. Not even realizing how that tiny stick would impact his life. It didn't take him long to realize what it was as he looked down at the pink stick with two red lines.

"This a pregnancy stick."

"Yeah." 

"Two lines. Is that positive?" 

"Well, I wouldn't be giving you a pregnancy test if it was negative, would I?"

Dabi numbly took a seat on the edge of the bathtub across from you. To Dabi, children were not in the life plan, he never even let himself entertain the thought of kids. Sure, you were financially better than when you first left home together, rather than bouncing from dingy motel to motel you lived in a nice apartment, but you were both barely over twenty-one, your career choice was villainy, not to mention you both never had the best example of what a parent should be. 

"It has to be wrong, we've been careful. You- you can't be pregnant."

Your eyes which had been trained on the floor finally looked up and met Dabi's orbs. You knew he might not want your baby, but you hadn't expected him to look so distraught and sick about it. 

"Well I am, and I'm not aborting. This child is a part of you and me, I won't abort them." 

"We can't raise a child." 

"I can raise a child, what you mean is that you don't want to raise a child together." 

"I didn't say I don't want to, I said I can't." 

A tear dribbled down Dabi's cheek. You pulled him off the edge of the bathtub, onto his knees with his head against your chest. His comfort space, the space he would always find himself crying as he grew up. You ran your hand through Dabi's raven dyed hair, your signature move to quell his tears. 

"I know what you're thinkin' and it's not true. You're not gonna be like him, you're not him."

"He's always going to be biologically a part of me. He was a shit dad and a shit husband. I don't wanna be like him."

"Just cause he's your dad, doesn't mean your gonna be like him. You're a good man and you'll be a great dad. You're not gonna hurt me, or this baby. You won't be like Enji." 

Dabi slid his head from your chest to your stomach. A smile made its way across his stapled face as he let himself entertain the domestic thought of having a family with you. 

"If we're having a baby then we might wanna look for a bigger apartment."

#5. I Love Everything You Create. 

Dabi leaned over the sleek black bassinet and peered down. His precious baby lay there sound asleep. She had trademark teal blue eyes like his, but your nose. although she looked very distinctly you, she had red hair from Dabi. Although it was very Todoroki like, he didn't care. He didn't care that it tied him to Enji because it also tied her to himself and you. She was his baby, his pride and joy. She was the greatest gift you could have given him. She was his and yours to cherish and love, he wouldn't give that up for anything.

The baby began to stir and Dabi hesitated as he looked at her. Sometimes she would just fall back to sleep, but today was not one of those days. Her little cries began to start and Dabi swooped her up into his arms. With her head against his shoulder, he carefully swayed her back and forth immediately quelling her cries.

She didn't fall back to sleep but she laid there quietly in his arms. She was just a little over a year old but she was already a daddy's girl.

"You hungry?"

Dabi smiled as he heard Akari's little excited gurgles and giggles. He carried her down to the kitchen and pulled out a container of baby food from the fridge. Before quickly tossing it in the microwave.

Dabi pulled Akari closer to his chest and away from his shoulder so he could move around and do things in the house while securely holding her. Akari, deciding she wants more attention, pulls her hands towards her father's face and yanks on one of his staples.

"Ah."

Dabi swiftly put Akari in her baby high chair before grabbing a towel and wiping his face to get rid of the small blood that came along with the staple.

"Da! Da!"

Dabi weakly smiled in his daughter's direction as to not worry or frighten her. This wasn't the first time she had pulled his staples out, but it didn't hurt any less with each time she did it. Once the bleeding let up Dabi tossed the towel on the counter and picked Akari back up, giving Akari the attention she was trying to get.

"You're daddy's little menace, aren't you? Huh?"

Akari giggled and buried her face in Dabi's neck, it sent a smile onto Dabi's face. She was so perfect and every second he spent with her he couldn't understand why Enji ever treated him and his siblings the way he had. When he held Akari all that came to his mind was how he would do anything to protect her. Her and you. All he could think about was how precious and special you both were to him.

"Why didn't you wake me?"

Dabi turned his head to the side to see you leaning against the doorway. Your head was all over the place due to bed head and you wore Dabi's oversized t-shirt and a pair of jogging pants. You looked completely frumpy but to Dabi, you were nothing less than perfect.

"I wanted to let you sleep in."

"I enjoyed the sleep, but I'd rather have been up with my lovelies."

You walked over to Dabi and Akari. You dipped your head down to hers and kissed her head before leaning up to kiss Dabi, you stopped midway as you saw his cheek. You brought your hand up and creased his cheek.

"Did she pull your staple out again?"

"Yeah. She's got a mean steak, I still think we should have named her Void."

You reached into the cupboard to pull out a bandaid to patch your lover up.

"Void is such a bad name, so was Winslow."

You took the wrapper off the bandaid and pressed it against Dabi's face. He gave you a soft smile as he placed his hand over your hand that was on his cheek.

"I'm glad you married me, you know that right? I know we did it cause' you were pregnant, but I wouldn't change it."

You pressed your lips against Dabi's briefly before pulling away and smiling at him.

"You and Akari are everything to me. I love you, and everything you've given me. I wouldn't change it, and I wouldn't trade it for anything."

[ivarsrideordie]

Your recent post on AHA being absent from social media got me thinking; my response is verbose and I was nervous it would be annoyingly long to post in the general comment section. So I came here? Is that a thing? Lol. I'm still in my infancy stage with Tumblr. Learning the ropes. So, the thoughts:

Sadly, loneliness and projection are too real. Day dreaming is fun, but scary territory when the dreamer begins to derive their self-worth and happiness from a person or relationship built in the mind. Truth is, this man is merely an attractive stranger whose true personality we can only scratch the suface of. There is no true, substantial two way relationship. So when people 'miss' his presence, who do we miss? The character of Alex developed in the mind? The idea that if he posts, it directly validates his acceptance of 'me' as a person? That he posts because he cares about engaging with 'me'? Alex cannot accept or reject 'me'... he doesn't know 'I' exist. He's engaging with an idea of a group that he hopes is kind but sometimes isn't- a general group of people he's probably grateful for but also weary of. When a fan's emotion and self worth becomes impacted by an actor or influencer's engagement... that's where the line gets real blurry.

I read an article I think of him mentioning that people write to him frequently with heavy thoughts, asking him to respond, to ultimately save them from themselves. That's fking tragic, for both sides. Both humans. My heart breaks for the lonely and the lost who put so much stock in a stranger's validation. Because the savior in their mind is all they have. I'm not judging. I'm not. I understand walking that line more than I'd like to admit. Its too easy to do when you've made inferences in your mind and patchworked together the personality of a potential friend. And what can he do? Its an unfair ask with one person, let alone hundreds, thousands? How can he protect himself from that impossible emotional burden if not by hiding? This person we follow online is just another human in the world who poops like rest of us. And the psychology of acting and influence is heavy. To get the big roles and make a good living, you sell your image, I suppose. You're the product. The more popular, the more valuable in the box office. But also the more exposed, judged, and vulnerable. Do you give up the dream of your passion as an income and the idea of supporting your family because you 'can't handle the heat'?

I do believe all jobs come with a trade off. If I want to earn enough money to afford certain things, I trade time away from my children while working, for example. I don't know if we can change the machine. The psychology behind why his job works like it does. But, just as I am on an endless quest to find balance between what I gain and what I lose as I endeavor to be both happy and provide financially, I imagine he is too. And that's ok. That's fair. Not personal. 

Suffice to say, if I were this dude I'd be ghosting too.

Sorry it took me a bit to get back to you on this.  I actually wanted to be on my laptop so I could answer with more than a 4 word reply.  

First off, WELCOME TO TUMBLR!  I’ll take any comments or questions no matter how long they are so don’t worry about being lengthy.  It’s not hard to use and its both fun and annoying to be on.  This social media platform is becoming just about as bad as Twitter or Facebook.  

You make some very good points.  I agree there is a very fine line between reality vs “reality’ and some fans can’t seem to figure out which is the real one.  When I was younger, I had issues with this.  I have done some stupid stuff that was totally stalkerish.  Then I grew up.  That was also the time I started realizing I was bipolar with high anxiety.  I would have rather been in my own little world with my fake friends then real life.  It takes a lot of hard work and time to pull yourself out of that kind of mentality and also a lot of work to stay out of that kind of thinking as well.  

I’ll admit I say that I miss Alex as well.  It’s not necessarily him that I am missing though.  You are correct.  It is the essence of what Alex puts out there of himself.  We all have come to love him as Ivar.  Some people can’t get away from the fact that he is in fact not actually Ivar so they have that whole image of him in their minds thinking that that is who he is.  I feel for those people.  I feel like some, if not most of the people who have this disassociation have had horrible childhoods.  That was my issue.  And like I said, I have learned through therapy and hard work how to distinguish the two.  

Expecting anything from anyone that doesn’t know you is definitely unfair.  I would never put Alex or anyone in a situation where I would tell them I would die or kill myself if they didn’t talk to me or love me.  That is selfish and unfair to do to anyone.  

That is just my two cents.  Thank you for this comment and somewhat of a debate.  lol