#This is what you get when your depressed brain asks if your life is worth anything

[amongemeraldclouds]

Down Bad

Theo runs to the Astronomy Tower to confess his feelings for you before it’s too late.

Theodore Nott x f!Reader

Warning: fluff, no use of y/n, kissing. Inspired by the Taylor Swift song with the same title. The first paragraph may sound grim, but I swear this is a fluff piece!

✿ Masterlist | 762 words

Theodore Nott had really screwed up this time. His lungs burned and his heart pounded as he raced towards the Astronomy Tower where he was about to lose the love of his life. If he was too late, you would never know how he felt. Let alone have the future he wanted with you. No, he can’t think that way.

He allowed himself a moment catch his breath when he reached the top of the Astronomy Tower. When he saw you looking out beyond the ledge, his worst fears were confirmed. He ran towards you and grabbed your waist, holding tight as he walked backwards. You yelped in surprise, struggling against your unexpected assailant.

The struggle sends you both toppling down the floor, away from the ledge. You squirmed beneath - oh, Theo. Your breath caught in your throat when you realized he’s on top of you. Salazar, everything about him was so beautiful. You kicked yourself internally, willing your brain to catch up with your heart.

“What in Salazar’s name, Theo! What are you doing?” You seethed, angry and confused. You had been avoiding him for a week since he broke your heart. Picture this: you finally mustered up the courage to confess your feelings for your childhood best friend only to be met by silence - not even rejection, just silence. Like your feelings were not even worth his words. And now he tackles you?

“No, I should be saying that to you. What are you thinking jumping off from the Astronomy Tower? You can’t just leave me before I tell you that I love you too.” His intense gaze burned into you.

You blinked at his words, confused. “Pray tell, dear genius, what does one do at the Astronomy Tower?”

It was his turn to blink back in confusion. He looked off to your side and noticed your telescope and scattered instruments. He was too stunned to speak.

“I was doing our Astronomy homework, you dolt, which you would know about if you weren’t busy skiving off with Mattheo.”

“But Pansy said you’ve been depressed lately and was alone in the Astronomy Tower,” he thought back at the conversation. Sure, you had been down bad for him and because of him this week. You couldn’t even get through quidditch practice without crying and cursing his name.

And yet - “So you just assumed I’m going to throw my life away for you?” You scoffed. “I’ll get over you someday, but I don’t know how you’ll ever get over yourself,” you teased. It was adorable how his cheeks blushed in embarrassment though you hated how quickly your anger faded.

He buried his head into the crook of your neck to hide in shame just like all those times you’ve cuddled together. Your hands wrapped around his shoulders out of habit. “I didn’t know what I was thinking,” he admitted. 

“So there is hope yet for you and your ego,” you mused before your mind snagged on the rest of his words. “Wait, did you tell me you love me?”

He raised his head and looked back at you, “I did. I’m sorry I froze when you confessed your feelings. You deserved better. I’m not good with these things, but for you I will try. I love you. Ti amo così tanto.”

“Well, you already know how I feel,” you deadpanned, trying to channel your teenage petulance despite the warmth blooming in your chest. 

“I don’t get to hear it again?” He asked with a hopeful expression.

“No,” you replied, tilting your head away from him though you couldn’t hide the grin on your face.

“Too bad, I was hoping to kiss you after you said it.”

You looked back at him, returning the challenge, “kiss me and maybe I’ll say it.” 

So he did. Electric bliss shot through you the instant your lips connected. His lips were soft and warm, the taste of cigarettes and mint mingled together as he ran his tongue along your bottom lip. You gasped at the sensation and he took the opportunity to explore your mouth.

There was nothing gentle about the kiss. It was a hundred ‘finally’s melting together into this one euphoric moment. You ran your hands through his hair, needing him closer. Needing more.

The kiss was over way too soon as he propped himself on his elbows to look at you. He saw everything he needed to know in your expressive eyes. Still, he asked, “will you tell me now?”

“No,” you bit back a smile.

“Guess I’ll just have to kiss you more.”

✿ Masterlist

A/N: A literal Down Bad moment with Theo tackling you bahahaha.

[mobbu-min]

☆ erm, let's not do that ☆

requested by anon! Hi there! So i would like to request The overblot gang with a S/O who likes to pick on their fingers whenever they are stressed and considering what Yuu have to go through, they would have a bloody hand if it werent for the fact they use gloves when they are really stressed out. (They dont wear gloves often because it will look weird when it doesnt fit the outfit but will wear it if necessary). So what are the overblot gang (seperate) reactions when he learns why his S/O pick on their fingers and wear gloves? P.s. you are an amazing writer and i love your work, keep up the good work! Hope you have a lovely day/night!

a/n so it's been awhile... how have you guys been? i've been okay, been dealing with post graduation fatigue and depression. been wondering what the hell am i doing with my world and wondering if things are really worth it. i miss bts, i miss jin and hobi and most of all yoongi. i miss the person i used to be. i miss the person that was my rock for a good few years. i wish this whole life thing wasn;t so hard, but! twst makes my brain go brrrr, so that's good i guess lolol. i'm working on stuff dw! and i'll try to post more, so thank you all so much to those who have been waiting! i love you all!!! <333

characters mentioned: overblot boys!

!tw! blood, would this be considered self harm? (an actual question btw)

Riddle Rosehearts <3

⋆ He’s so concerned. Honestly, when he saw the state of your hands, he gasped like some Victorian man seeing an ankle for the first time.

⋆ He’s not the type to beat around the bush, but he’s gentle about it. He’s quick to voice his concern for your health and if there’s any way for him to help you. 

⋆ Knowing that he is part of the cause of your pain, sorta sends him spiraling somewhat. It really makes Riddle want to become a better person after seeing the after effects of his tyranny.

⋆ Whenever Riddle sees you picking at your hands, he kinda swats at your hands like an angry cat. A disappointed pout on his soft features. He really tries okay. 

⋆ Riddle will patch your hand up. He’s so gentle about it too. Holding your hands as if they were blessed by the Queen of Hearts (honestly there’s probably a rule about it)

⋆ He’s taken to holding your hand when you're together. He stutters out a quick ‘I-it’s to help you!’ before dragging you away to study. When you're alone, Riddle has the habit of kissing your hands, mumbling sweet words. 

⋆ Overall, Riddle is concerned but willing to do anything to help you.

“If you ever find the urge to harm yourself, no matter how small, I ask you to seek me out. I will always spare you a moment. Afterall, I care about you, please don’t forget that.”

Leona Kingscholar <3

⋆ He noticed the state of your hands the moment he met you, but didn’t mention it until you grew closer. Like Riddle, he doesn’t beat around the bush. But unlike Riddle, Leona is so incredibly blunt.

⋆ After you tell him it’s a habit you’ve picked up after certain events, Leona drops the subject. The both of you are too awkward to keep it going. Afterall, you both knew what events could have led you here. Guilt was quick to snag Leona’s heart.

⋆ He’s not upfront about his emotions. Leona’s quite bad with vocalizing his worries, but he’s always been a firm believer in actions over words anyways.

⋆ Expensive gloves, creams and ointments from his land, heck even fidget toys he’s seen Cheka play with, shows up at your door. Anything he believes that could help you, he’s getting.

⋆ If you’re together and your hands get particularly bad, he’s dragging you to the infirmary to patch you up (he ends up snagging/buying bandages to keep on him just in case after) He doesn’t really talk much, but the sentiment is there.

⋆ Like Riddle, Leona will hold your hands to stop you from picking at your skin. His grip is tight, but not in a way that seems like he’s scolding you or mad, but tight in a way that's comforting. As if saying ‘I’m here.’

‘Oi, stop that… Yeah, I’m aware, but I’m here now. Let’s find other ways to deal with your stress, yeah? (whispering) I think I’ve got a few ideas, if you’re up to it, herbivore~’

Azul Ashengrotto <3

⋆ He beats around the bush. Azul is weirddddd about it.

⋆ On one hand, he’s worried about you. On the other hand, his capitalist side wants to find some way to profit off it. Somehow he manages to quell both sides. (he ends up making hand cream/ointment using like floyd’s mucus thing, rip floyd)

⋆ Azul, despite his incessant need to bottle up his emotions for others, finds it hard to ignore the state of your hands, and likewise state of your health, any longer. He doesn’t know how to approach the topic. Does he ask right away? Should he ease you into it? He, for the first time since his overblot, is lost for words.

⋆ He does eventually get the guts to ask and oh boy, he never knew guilt felt this bad.

⋆ Azul kinda sucks at helping you, he won’t hold your hand (only in private) and he’s kinda frivolous with money (so no expensive gifts) but he’s good with his words. And when he sees you starting to pick at your hands, he immediately starts running his mouth. And he can talk for hours. And he’s entertaining too. Leaving you so enraptured by his words that you forget about the need to pick at your skin.

⋆ He’s always good at always keeping you busy. And no this isn’t some way to get free labor out of you. Typically you help him with paper work, just you and him in his little office.

⋆ Azul may always be boasting about how kind he is outloud, but you both know his true kindness is always quiet.

‘Ah, that’s enough paperwork for today. How about we go to the lounge for a few drinks? There’s plenty more I wish to share with you about the stock market.’

Jamil Viper <3

⋆ He doesn’t notice until you’re hissing in pain from something spicy touching your tender skin (listen i know this does make sense, but trust me, it hurts) He’s confused and worried at first and confused and worried after.

⋆ Jamil scolds you for working without some sort of protection while he tenderly washes your hands.

⋆ I feel like Jamil also has some bad coping habits, so he’s quick to put two and two together. He doesn’t ask, but there is a noticeable shift in his behavior. Jamil is a lot more gentle, not in a demeaning way, but in an awkward ‘I want to help you, but idk how, just please appreciate my efforts’ sorta way.

⋆ Since he still has his duties as Vice Housewarden and Kalim’s aid, he’s pretty tight on time, but he tries his best to spare you a few minutes. And if he can’t, you’ll always find a lunch box sitting on your desk.

⋆ Jamil is always willing to bandage your hands if they get particularly bad. He’ll use healing ointment that smells like home and is as gentle as his voice.

⋆ And while he can’t give you extraordinary gifts or talk for hours on end, Jamil is always ready to lend you a hand to heal your own destruction like how you healed him.

‘Stop squirming so much, I’ll mess up your banadages. -sigh- You really have to start wearing some sort of gloves… Mh? What was that?… You like it when I bandage your hand? E-eh- ahem, well if you like it so much, I might as well start charging you. …Ahaha, I never said thuarmarks, did I?”

Vil Schoenheit <3

⋆ He takes one look at your hand and instantly brings out a 12 step hand routine.

⋆ Listen, he doesn't care if you do it out of stress, he’s going to fix your hands while helping you find better ways to handle it.

⋆ He rubs like this gel liquid thing that tastes bad to prevent you from biting away the skin near your nail (it’s an actual thing don’t worry) He’s pulling all the stops to prevent you from injuring your hands even more than they already are.

⋆ Vil often walks the fine line of being really gentle or really strict about it. And it doesn’t stem from his perfection issues, he is just kinda bad at expressing his emotions in a way that is both productive and compassionate. He does care, you’ll just have to look for hidden meanings in his long lectures.

⋆ No doubt, Vil is getting both of you matching gloves with your signature colors as accents.

⋆ The whole 12 step hand routine actually does become routine for the both of you. Typically taking place at Pomefiore, you’ll both talk about your day. Vil sees this as a way to check off all three boxes.

⋆ He gets to do his nightly hand routine.

⋆ You're improving day by day from talking about your emotions with him.

⋆ And he gets to spend one on one time with you!

⋆ It's a win-win situation! And your hands have never been softer!

‘And Epel just had to prove his point, which ended up with him casting a Zip Tight Spell on him. Despite not even being able to move his mouth, I could tell there was so much anger running though his little body. Goodness, how ridicu-hm? Did my little spudling fall asleep? How rude~ -sigh- Sweet dreams, darling~’

Idia Shroud <3

⋆ It’s Ortho that brings up your problem. Worry evident in his voice as he showed pictures of your hands to his big brother.

⋆ Despite being gaming buddies, Idia really never paid attention to your outer appearance. Too preoccupied in his desire to beat you at every game you both play.

⋆ And poor Idia, guilt grabs him by his long ass hair and flings his lanky body across the room multiple times (not really, but in Idia’s head that what's happening)

⋆ Unlike all of the others mentioned, Idia’s way of help is rather unconventional. He’s not good at talking nor is he good at physical touch, but you know what he is good at? Yeah, making things.

⋆ After a long night, Idia shows up at Ramshackle holding a small box. What is in the box? Well your own personal health robocat! This cat is kinda like Ortho just to a lesser degree (think of the robocat seven made mc!)

⋆ Listen, he knows he’s severely lacking in multiple departments of this whole dating, heck even friend, thing, but he is trying! And RoboCat is the ultimate form of his love! It’s quite romantic really.

⋆ Is Grim happy about the new intruder? No! But your health is more important than his feelings!

⋆ Idia swears he died of pure happiness at your expression. His two favorite things together!? Eek! It’s too much!

‘A-and next time you find yourself in trouble, just c-call for Robocat and she’ll come flying!… A laser beam like Ortho? Good idea! I’ll make sure to add it in her name update!’

Malleus Draconia <3

⋆ His heart aches to see the pain you put yourself through. If it was up to him, he’d simply whisk you away to a place where no stress could muddle your beautiful mind. If he could, he would kill stress itself.

⋆ But alas, he can’t kill something that doesn’t have a physical form, how sad~ (lilia had to convince him not to go after Crowley)

⋆ Malleus is doing everything he can to help you. Just name it and he’s doing it.

⋆ Multiple gloves made of the finest materials? Got it!

⋆ Healing ointment from the farthest land made from an extinct organism? Done!

⋆ The heads of your enemies? Why didn’t you say so sooner!

⋆ He’s so silly ahahaha.

⋆ But seriously, Malleus sorta never feels stressed (he does, just thinks stress is a human emotion that only humans can feel) but he’s always willing to listen to you. Afterall, you’re always willing to lend your ears to him, it’s the bare minimum.

⋆ Advice? It’s so-so, sometimes he comes off vague but that really just because of his faeness. But he tries and is actively trying to be better, trying to be more intune with your emotions and his. (lilia has been great help, and surprisingly enough, watching silver and sebek on a more friendly level has also helped him be more in tune with emotions)

⋆ You shouldn't have to suffer in silence and he’ll make sure you never will for as long as the universe will let him.

‘You’ve been such a good companion, my dearest child of man, so please let me return the favor. Allow me to see the deepest parts of your soul, of your mind and heart. If you fear that I will cast judgment, do not. I could never judge the soul that has welcomed me with an open heart.’

[phfenomena]

❝you are the only exception.❞ || tom blyth x f!reader

request- Hi! Can I request a tom blyth x f!reader based on The Only Exception by Paramore? maybe something where that becomes their song? Thank you 🥹

A/N- this song is so depressing but i tried my hardest to romanticize it LMAO

and that was the day that i promised i would not sing for love, if it didn’t exist.

your bed is empty and cold as you roll over and stare out the window. it’s impossible to yearn for something so dearly that you don’t even want, for something you can’t have. love is the last experience you should be wanting to taste, you have your own life.

maybe i know deep in my soul that love never lasts.

you’ve had your share of flings, sure, but their touch never ignited a burning desire to be with them forever within you. they took up ten percent of your effort and time and you couldn’t care less about it.

and i’ve always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. and up until now i’ve sworn to myself that i’m content with loneliness, because none of it was worth the risk. but you are the only exception.

till you met tom, and he moved in and dropped his bags in his mind. you met him while working on a movie and you did the makeup of his co-star, but he always found himself in your trailer. chatting and laughing away the time in between shoots that he shouldn’t have shared with you. you found yourself thinking of him when you should’ve been asleep hours ago, the way his crinkled when he laughed, and the way he always stopped and listened whenever you had something to share.

you wake up every morning excited to work, excited to see tom. you’ve began bringing two coffees in the morning- and memorizing toms order in the process. it’s almost as if your life had been in black and white until he came along and lit everything up. he ignited you and left your hands shaking and itching to reach out and touch him, not just to fix his hair but to feel him. feel how he’s real, how he’s alive, and know that your mind didn’t conjure him up to entertain yourself.

you find yourself spending time with tom outside of set, a quick coffee run, a late night conversation over dinner, or a quick phone call to ask his opinion on a dress you found at the mall.

i’ve got a tight grip on reality, but i can’t let go of what’s in front of me here. i know you’re leaving in the morning when you wake up, leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream.

he finds home within you, slowly creeping into your life until your brain runs on him. slowly weaseling himself into your bed. the scenarios you once used to lull yourself to sleep were in front of you for you to touch, but he never stays. you never wake up in his arms, sometimes you wonder how he estimates when he needs to go before you wake up. before you wake up and really see him, really get to know what you guys are, or what you guys aren’t.

love is a chore, you know that. it’s tiring, draining, and it even eats you up from the inside out. someone else can ruin you in a blink of an eye, no, they will ruin you in the blink of an eye. but he’s the only exception.

your sat on your floor. the air is filled with giggles and red cheeks, it smells like wine and desperation. your guitar is sitting on your lap, having played tom any song he wanted. you’ve gone through taylor swift already and you could barley get the lovely lyrics out with laughing.

the melody of paramore begins to fill the air until the walls start closing in, until you’re in a box with tom. you’ve been careful, but when he inches forward and you meet him in the middle. it was all worth the risk. because he is the only exception.

[certifiedsexed]

Im a trans woman, im 18. I get periods.

Ive been on estrogen since I was 16, 2 years and three months... and my cramps are debilitating. I turn suicidal for a week every month and i sometimes throw up from the stinging/dull pain combo. there is bloating, severe depression, mood swings and extreme dysphoria.

My endocrinologist said that i should beware because my brain is decepting me and that can hinder meaningful conversation in my last meetup a month ago. i swear that im not making this up.

painkillers dont even work on my third/fourth day (i start counting the first day from when i get depressed, the other symptoms start the next day, and there is alot of sharp, radiating cramps, headache and other shittery the third day)

what should i do? am i really such a fraudster? i cant keep going on like this. its reducing my quality of life. is it really possible for me to have this much pain at a 26-27 day cycle??

So, I don't say this lightly: your endocrinologist should go to to hell! You're not a fraud and your brain isn't "deceiving" you. Those are literal textbook symptoms of something like PMDD and it's actually vile of him to straight-up diminish your symptoms and do nothing about it.

My first suggestion is get a different endocrinologist, if you can. That person is committing medical neglect against you and its loaded with medical trans/misogyny. If you can, you do not want to have to continue dealing with that.

Secondly, I want to suggest you try to find an OB/GYN. You have a few choices for dealing with it. If your AGAB is on file, it might be hard to find one that will take you, especially depending on where you live.

If you AGAB is not on file, it'll be easier to get in but medical misogyny, coupled with medical transmisogyny/transphobia is going to make getting help harder.

This does not mean you're faking it or that it's not worth trying [speaking as someone who cannot get diagnosed partially because of bigotry!], it just means people are bigoted assholes sometimes.

You might have to try numerous doctors. I cannot emphasis this enough: if you can, take someone with you! Doctors WILL treat you better.

Sometimes even going to the ER when you're experiencing these symptoms to have them run tests to narrow-down what disability you're dealing with can help. But do not let your endocrinologist force you into believing that the pain you're living with is normal or okay.

I'm not sure if this helps but I hope so, Anon! Let me know if you have any other questions or need anything else, fr. <3333

If anyone else has info that might help Anon, please add on in comments, reblogs and/or asks. Thank you.

[jiejies-corner-store]

THE AVENTURINE FIC 😭😭 OH GOSH IM CRYING 😭😭

i’m so sorry, anon! here this should make it up 😭😭 the devil knows you're dead

pairing. aventurine x reader

tags/tw: fem!reader, references to a complicated childbirth, mother!reader, father!aventurine, spoilers to aventurine's real name, spoilers in reference to 2.1 trailblaze questline, aventurine’s nihilism and depression, references to death, hurt/comfort, ooc aventurine probably, i make shit up at the end because i want a happy ending—bite me.

sfw

a/n: ouchie. i finished 2.1 and it hurt. it hurt a lot. the ost for the “all the sad tales” is genuinely so beautiful. the trumpet just feels so melancholy yet hopeful it just goes so perfectly with aventurine’s story. but i need something that feels good now. ABSOLUTELY NOT PROOF-READ pt. 1

“As long as you are alive, the blood of the Avgin will never run dry.”

It was cold. Cold and warm. Almost feverish feeling. The type of feeling you’d get when you were freezing but your skin was hot to the touch. There was this frustrating beeping noise somewhere off in the distance that you just couldn’t tune out, finally you opened your eyes to see a sea of darkness, and seemingly at an unreachable horizon, a large circle of white light that looked like a gate.

“You’re not dead, if that’s what you’re wondering,” a voice came from beside you. How you didn’t realize there was a whole person standing next to you, you had no clue.

“Well, that’s not originally what I was going for, but now I’m a bit worried I might be,” you laughed, nervous, but curious all the same. This… person you couldn’t quite make out an exact face, or even a body for that matter, but ther was this distinct feeling that it was in fact a person. Like your instinct knew, but your brain couldn’t quite fill in the details.

“This is a place beyond mortal comprehension, if I tried to explain it to you, you would only be more confused. Walk with me,” the entity said, and without even willing your body to do so, you followed. Ripples emanated from each step as you followed and soon the inky void around you melted into an unfamiliar planet.

The sky was a deep purple, streaked with red that looked like lighting that crackled along the sky. Instead of the fluid, black ground, sand now shifted as you moved foward. Inside a small hut made of rock, you saw a woman cradling a swaddled child.

“Such a lucky child, such a blessed child… Just like your name. A gift from THEM to Avgin… my boy…”

You turned to the figure beside you and hesitantly asked, “Where are we?”

“A land of rock, but not water, lightning, but not rain, blood, but not tears,” the entity responded cryptically, which only caused a crease in your brow. You went closer to the mother in the hut and sat next to her. She whispered a blessing onto her child, but none of the words made sense to your ears. Similar to the entity, it’s like your brain scrambled them from your understanding.

The mother cried. You tried to wrap your arms around her to comfort her but only phased through her like a ghost. The baby too began to cry.

Then, the scene changed again, suddenly it was a cell with iron bars. A blond young man sat next to you. The blond’s gaze was downturned, but you could recognize that voice anywhere.

“—Thirty tanba… that’s all my life is worth.”

“That’s not…” you said, but realized it was all in vain. You tried again to take Kakavasha’s hands into your own. You wantd to take the cuffs off his wrists and cradle where the skin was rubbed raw.

“It's all or nothing…”

“Kakav—agh!”

Your future never existed You█ future never existed You█ future ne█er existed You█ fut███ ne█er existed You█ fut███ ne█er ████ted You█ fut███ █e█er ████ted Yo██ ██████ █e█er ████ted

Your mind felt clouded, a searing headache, followed by an inability to even pin down a coherent thought. The scene shifted once more.

“What’s going on!” you shouted at the figure that stood only silently next to you, crippled on the ground, clutching at your head, fingers pressing in to try to find the spot that would alleviate this awful pressure.

When your senses were no longer blinded by pain, you were back to that inky void you started in, but this time you weren’t alone. Not far away, maybe twenty feet or so, was your Kakavasha, and a woman you didn’t recognize.

“Why are we born into this world if it's just to die?”

You stumbled to your feet to try to run to him, but with each step closer he only got further away. He walked towards that gate of light. In your head, you heart was pounding faster and faster. You failed to catch up to him. He only got further and further away until he disappeared like fireflies dispersing into the night, “Kakavasha! No—!”

Utterly devastated, you sunk back onto your knees. You didn’t know why but you had this distinct feeling of loss. Tears rolled from your eyes freely. He… he wasn’t gone surely? The entity’s presence reappeared next to you.

“Why did you show me all of this,” you asked, not sure if you actually wanted an answer.

“Because you need to go back,” the entity answered and your jaw locked, gritting your teeth so hard they hurt.

You screamed into the void, “You’re the one who brought me here!”

“I never call anyone to me… you mortals believe that it is US that determine when your time to go is… but in truth it is your own doing, whether it is your body or your mind that gives up first,” the entity said, “It is only the strength of your will that will allow you to continue down your destined path… but many give up on that path and someone else must be chosen.”

“What does this have to do with me,” you snapped. “Why are you meddling in my life? What does Kakavasha have to do with this?”

“Kakavasha still has a long road ahead of him. I have supplemented his journey all his life. It was only recently he was able to live on his own will,” said the entity ”Your body is giving up. I do not have the power anymore to keep him alive. That lies with you.”

Your surroundings melted again. You were in a hospital room and on the bed was you. Eyes closed and steadily breathing, but your heartbeat was weak. The annoying beeping from before was louder and more prominent.

“You wanted to help him. During his past, you reached out each time. There is nothing you can do about that now, but the future and the present… you still have a choice.”

Laying a hand on your unmoving body, there was a slight resistance, but with just a bit more pressure you felt as if you could phase through it entirely.

“What do I need to do,” you asked the entity.

“Live.”

You furrowed your brow at that. Of course you wanted to live… right? The entity gestured for your hand, you obliged. Against your palm was an oddly soft feeling. Warm. Like a mother’s touch against your’s. Your palms pressed together, the entity spoke,

“May the goddess Gaiathra close HER eyes three times… Keep your blood eternally pulsing… Let your journey be forever peaceful… …and your schemes forever concealed."

You lifted your head and your “body” began to disappear similar to how Kakavasha disappeared. Just before you disappeared into sparks of golden light, you had the sense about you to ask:

“Who are you?” you felt like you were shouting, but your voice was quiet.

“You could call me Fenge Biyos.”

You opened your eyes with a deep gasp for air. Your surroundings were blurry, and you rubbed at your eyes, only to realize Kakavasha was up, standing next to your hospital bed with an anxious expression, hands already grasping the one that was wiping crust from your eyes.

“You’re awake,” he choked out, holding you as if you would break, “I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry for everything. I’m sorry I did this to you that I—”

“Kakavasha, slow down, what… why are you—no, don’t be sorry,” you finally found your words, sitting foward on the bed to wrap your arms around him. You racked your brain, trying to figure out what was going on. Your mind was still foggy, but finally that haze disappated and you remembered everything leading up to now.

“Kakavasha~” you hummed in a song-like tone, a small wrapped box with a blue and purple bow tied around it. You skipped over to his desk and wrapped your arms around his shoulders where he sat, and placed the gift in front of him, laying your head on his shoulder as your arms tightly hugged him. “I have a surprise.”

He smiled with a small laugh, “Doesn’t this usually work the other way around?” He pecked a kiss onto your check before pulling the bow off and opening the lid of the box, when he froze.

The smile on your face faltered bit when he didn’t say anything after a bit. The corners of it tightened into a more forced position, “Kakavasha? You’re gonna be a papa…”

The joy in his face from earlier had completely vanished. Only replaced by a stony, cold, poker face. He pushed his chair back and you stumbled into the wall behind. He gave you a tight smile and kissed your forehead before heading for the door and grabbing his hat. “I’ll be back later.”

With that, the door slammed shut behind him, leaving you at a loss as you fell into his chair, feeling suddenly so very empty in this large office alone.

He came back after that, apologetic for leaving you, but nothing felt truly right. He continued to reassure you that he did want to have this child, but it was a strenous time. The entire pregnancy was stressful. The doctors warned you that the level of stress you were under put you at risk for a premature birth, but you brushed them off. It was just the hormones, you were sure. Kakavasha still loved you. The ring on your finger should’ve been proof enough of that.

“How about the name Ilyas?” you suggested, laying your head on Kakavasha’s lap, “I was… looking at some databases about Avgin names and I thought that one was nice. What do you think?”

Aventurine hummed, but his mind seemed elsewhere. You let it go.

The next few months continued on in similar fashion.

But it all came to a head.

The two of you were standing in the kitchen. It had started off small. The hormones and the stress were getting to you. It was an off hand comment about him not fixing dinner, and you were tired and hungry from carrying around his child.

From there it had escalated. It turned into you were tired of feeling like you were walking on eggshells when you talked about the pregnancy. About how he was barely around for the appointments, and when he was he seemd emotionally distant… finally he exploded

“I never asked for this!” he shouted. “When did I ever say I wanted to be a father? Did you even ask me? Did you think about what I felt about this whole thing at all?”

You paused, feeling tears well up in your throat as a white-hot fear flashed through your body. You laughed, a hollow sound, “I’m sorry, Aventurine, I thought it took two people to make a baby? And you certainly made no attempt to use protection.”

He didn’t have anything to say about that. Even though the argument seemed over, you felt a nauseous feeling crawling up in your throat. Your tears felt like acid burning through your skin. Then a pain in your stomach. Your knees gave out and the last thing you remember was the scared expression on Kakavasha’s face before it all went dark.

“I was scared…. I was so scared that bringing another Avgin into this world would only bring misfortune onto you… that Gaiathra Triclops would take you from our child, just like my mother was taken from me,” he openly cried into your shoulder. “I took it out on you. I made something that should’ve been a beautiful experience something that was awful, and I understand… if you never forgive me for that but please…. please don’t leave.”

Now you were crying with him, one hand tangled in his blond locks and the other rubbing his back. Quietly, so quietly that you almost didn’t hear it, he whispered, “I can’t lose you too.”

You thought for a long time. In front of you wasn’t one of the Ten Stonehearts of the IPC. Not a calculating or cunning man, who’s only interest was in things that benefited the IPC’s bank accounts. In front of you was a broken man, who’d had everything stripped away from him when he was only a child. Who was shattered and forced to put his life back together with nothing but fear and anxiety as glue.

Did it excuse what he'd broken?

No.

“I’m here… I won’t leave Kakavasha,”

But maybe with time and effort, you could help re-glue each other with something a little more beautiful.

“Ilyas! Don’t run so far!” you called after a small blond haired child who was already ahead of you by a longshot, you turned exasperatedly to your husband, “Honey, can you go after him please? I don’t want him to get trampled by some idiot who’s not paying attention…”

The man only smiled at you, one hand firmly wrapped around your ever expanding waist, “It’s okay. There’s some of my squad that’s following him incognito. He won’t get out of our sights without them dragging him back. We can let him get his energy out. He’ll be cooped up in a hospital soon.”

You huffed conceded. Already tired from just getting through the theme park’s entrance. You were due in about two weeks, but Kakavasha was insistent that a week before you’d be under hospital supervision until you brought your second child into the world. It had taken about five years before the two of you had healed enough and there were roadbumps along the way… but you were both ready to give Ilyas a little sister.

But for now, the two of you wanted to let Ilyas have one more day as an only child. The reconstructed Penacony was nothing like the Dreamscape of the past. Fear and secrets no longer were trapped in the gilded cage of the former prison planet. With the help of the IPC and the Harmony, New Penacony was entirely real. No more dreams, just reality. They’d kept many of their old franchises and built a true theme park.

“Mama!! Picture! Let’s get a picture here before we go in!” Ilyas screeched, pointing at Clockie statue in front of the Clock Studios main attraction. You set a hand on Kakavasha’s arm, glancing up at him to try to get a read on what he was feeling. He’d let you in on the parts of his past that he’d kept a secret. The scheme behind Penacony, his proposed “death” and his encounter with his Past and Future.

He took a breathe and looked back down at you, giving you a smile that said “I’m okay” and relief flooded your bones. After walking you over in front of the camera, he crouched down and scooped Ilyas into his arms.

“Ready?” the cameraman asked and you nodded. After a brief countdown the camera flashed, and for a moment in that bright light, you saw the hopeful future that lied ahead.

[makomaki5]

If you want some other game recommendations from a huge gamer that is NOT Hogwarts Legacy, I got you bc we do not support antisemitism or transphobia.

Full disclaimer: If your advocacy goes as far as for Trans and Jewish voices to fall on deaf ears about a VIDEOGAME?!? Then, you were never an ally to begin with.

But, as a videogame lover and player, I will make other recommendations for you to play if you really need a good game that will support the rights of other people and is not built on hate!

If you really want a wizard game:

Play Skyrim and Eldan Ring! Those are two great open-world/build your character/magic games that don’t center around magic but have magic nonetheless! They actually have more spells and than this stupid game centered around wizards! Plus, they both have HUGE open worlds that will take (I promise) hundreds of hours to play and explore.

Play the Witcher!!! Although I have not played it, my sister raves left and right about the Witcher 3! It’s a choice-based, super long, world-heavy game that just immerses you in both magic and spells from the get go! Although not a ton of spells, it’s a timeless game and WAY ahead of it’s time.

If you really want a choice based game:

We literally got Cyberpunk a few years ago! It has amazing features for custom characters and fun armor to mix and match. It also has a choice-based storyline and multiple endings based on the choices you make/categories of your personality you update! What’s also so great about this game is it naturally has great representation. I’ve never seen a game that has NPCs have a set sexual orientation and won’t stray from it: if you are a straight man and hit on the lesbian, she will TELL YOU she’s a lesbian. It’s very interesting and also have trans representation and her personality is not just her being trans. It’s compelling. So, play this game!!!

Another set of great choice games is the Life is Strange series! Although not open world, every choice you make impacts the ending/relationships you have with different characters. There is also GREAT LGBTQ+ rep in every game they produce. The first time I played these games, my brain chemistry changed.

The walking dead series is an AMAZING choice-based series with a lot of representation. Although not open world and depressing(lol), it is a super immersive experience and has your heart rip in half for the characters. In the last game, especially, we see a more immursive and creative fighting techniques that just made you binge the game.

Another great game (that isn’t exactly choice but has an interesting way for you to interact with the world based off the way you want to explore) is Disco Elysium. You get to choose how/why/when/where you interact with the world and people. I have literally never played a game like this and my jaw dropped when I started. I could NOT put it down. The clock ticks throughout the day so you need to be careful about what you do with the amount of time you have. EVERY relationship will unravel another part of the mystery going on throughout the game. And, it’s very intense, fun, and full of philosophical shit that just makes you excited. Plus, you can tell it was made with so much dedication and care.

Fallout 4!!!!! This game is super underrated now a days, but is it worth playing! You can customize your character and choose who you side with/who you kill/who you save/who your friend are/what clothes you wear/what weapons you weld. Like, you cannot ask for more out of this game!! And, the world is HUGE and filled with such intricaticay. I cant rave about this game enough.

Persona 5! This is one of the best games I have ever played in my life! Like Disco Elysium, you only have so much time throughout the day to complete tasks and your relationship with peers/the skills you have are gotten from that time. So, if you choose not to hang out with someone or do homework or whatever, you could not max different parts of your personality/combat techniques. Is game is also in part a choice game, where you get to choose which route you want your narrative to be. Super fun! Also, this game has super fun turn-based combat that just leaves you on your toes! It’s super fun and super immersive and super HARD. It will take you a hundred hours to play.

If you want an immersive open-world:

I already named a few up there, but I haven’t mentioned the Horizon series yet, which is just fantastic. Both games have HUGE open worlds and a great amount of representation that just comes so easy to it and feels so natural. It’s not forced or random or anything: it’s right and natural and not a HUGE deal. It also has very immersive worlds with quite a lot to do. Although Horizon Forbidden West only has about 28 hours of the main story, it took me 80 hours to complete it because that’s just how huge the world was. Plus, the lead character, Aloy, has so much depth and interesting tidbits about her that you KNOW the game was created so much love and care. Also, the face expressions are so real and beautiful, it literally brought tears to my EYES

Red Dead Redemption 2 literally has one of the greatest open-worlds of all time and y’all are gonna play that shitty wizard game 😭?? It’s SO intimate and fun. There are times where you’ll be stopped to do a side mission and, if you die, you can’t go back to do it! I can’t say enough about this game because im sure everyone has heard it already but it’s emotional, FILLED TO THE BRIM with character depth, and super goddamn fun.

We all know about Breath of the Wild, but if you haven’t played that yet and are choosing to play Hogwarts Legacy, what are you doing ??

And just other GREAT games:

All the Batman Arkham Series games are INCREDIBLE. They literally were the stepping stones to other great games and was one of the first to introduce such an interesting half-open world concept. They fighting and stealth is ridiculously fun, and I have replayed these games so many times!

The tomb raider games are FANTASTIC. Filled with puzzles, stealth, and fighting, you cannot milk out more from this game. Plus, you okay as the incredible Lara Croft, who is such an interesting character.

The Last of Us?!? Such great representation! And what great character depth! You can see the love that goes into this game and what it means for the people that create it. Although a linear game, it does not necessarily feel that way because of the amount of exploring you are forced to do. This is one of those rare games where crafting does not feel like a chore, but an immersive and anxious experience. Both games are perfect!!!

If I forgot any, repost and add them because yeah! And, if you’re still not convinced to play something else, you aren’t an ally and stop calling yourself one!

[delulu-is-the-solulu-843]

Abby helping you through depression

The Good and The Bad

Abby Anderson x Fem!reader

Summary: when your depression rears its ugly head back around Abby refuses to let you suffer alone.

A/N: thank for the request anon. Please know that this work deals with topics of depression. Thoughts and feelings of depression are explained in detail so if this is something that you find triggering please do not read this.

Warnings: depression, issues of self worth, reader’s thoughts do get dark in this, if I missed anything let me know.

You couldn’t get up you just couldn’t do it. All you could do was stare at the ceiling and let your mind wander against your better judgment. You knew what was happening, you started to get the signs of it last week. The tiredness that weighed down your body, the lack of motivation to do quite literally anything, the mood swings, the feeling of just nothingness that seemed to encase you. You felt guilty for feeling this way you had a good life. Steady job, roof over your head, food on the table, loving friends and family, and a beautiful girlfriend.

You hated yourself for feeling a creeping loneliness when you had such an amazing and thoughtful girlfriend. Abby was one of the best things in your life how dare you feel alone? These thoughts kept circulating throughout your brain and getting worse by the minute. You weren’t good enough for her she deserved better, you weighed her down, you were a burden that was passed onto her. Your mind wanders to thoughts of your friends and family, what if they just put up with you? You think of every time you e failed, every time you’ve felt low in your life and all of those thoughts manifest in to a bitter ball of depression that sits right on your chest weighing you down.

Would anyone even miss you? Do you even deserve to be missed? As soon as that thought crosses your mind you try to shake it away but you can’t. The voice in your head getting louder and louder. You almost don’t even hear the door open but you see the light from the open door illuminate the darkened room.

“Sweetheart?” Abby’s voices sounds in the room and you can’t bring yourself to sit up to look at her. No you didn’t want her to see that state you were in because you k ew for a fact she’d try to help you. She didn’t deserve to babysit you after she got done dealing with patients all day.

You feel the mattress sink beside you as she sits on the bed next to you. You can feel her worried eyes looking over your features. “Have you gotten out of bed today?” She asks her voice gentle not an ounce of judgment to be heard. You know for a fact she wouldn’t judge your answer but right now you’re afraid to tell her.

You don’t want her to know how pathetic and lazy you are. That you couldn’t even leave the bed.

“Ok I’m gonna take that as a no” Abby says as she tucks some hair behind your ear. “I just ask because I want to know if you’ve eaten today.” You finally find it in yourself to shake your head ‘no’. You see her nod out of the corner of your eye.

“Alright let’s get some food in you okay? And then we’ll go from there.” She tells you, she had the protocol down pat now. Another thing you felt guilty for. You’re her girlfriend for god sake not a fucking patient, she shouldn’t have to come home and have to take care of more people, you should be taking care of her yet here you are.

“Nuh uh nope, don’t even finish that thought I know where that beautiful brain is going. Look at me please baby?” She asks, her voice so soft and gentle. A tone that’s reserved for you and you only.

You let your eyes fall shut for a moment before you take a deep breath and turn your head. You open your eyes and meet Abby’s worried blue eyes.

“There’s my girl” she says with a smile and you try to give her some type of smile in return but it comes out as more of a grimace.

“Listen to me. I love you, you are my everything and I want to be here for you when you need me. It’s not some burden or some task okay? It’s taking care of the woman I love and I will do that till my last breath.” Abby tells you, her words full of conviction and honesty.

You feel the tears burning behind your eyes, your vision swims as tears begin to gather. Her words set you over the edge and in seconds you’re clinging to Abby as your body rocks with sobs. You just needed her right now, you needed to be in her arms, you needed her to fight off the dark thoughts clouding your brain.

“Oh honey” she coos as she holds your trembling body close to hers, you’re practically on her lap at this point. You sob into her shoulder, your tears making marks against the soft fabric of her shirt. She gently rubs your back and rocks you as you let out the emotions that have been building for days.

You don’t know how long as passed, could have been 15 minutes could have been 45. Slowly your breathing starts to regulate and the onslaught of tears have become little sniffles as Abby continues to rub your back and whispering sweet nothings as you finally gather yourself. You take a deep breath and inhale the scent that is purely Abby. Feeling the comforting warmth of her body and the scent that you’ve come to relate to love has calmed you down significantly.

She kisses your forehead before she hands you a tissue. You wipe your eyes and you blow your nose.

“I’m such a mess I’m sorry” you hoarsely apologize

“Nonsense you’re perfect”

You’re about to open your mouth and say something but she stops you before you can.

“I will not take any disagreement. You are absolutely perfect and I will spend the rest of today, tomorrow, and everyday after that proving it to you.” She says as she wraps her arms around you in a bear hug, pressing little kisses all over your face.

“How about this we get some food in you, take a shower, get you changed into some new pajamas and then we’ll sit down and watch a movie. How does that sound?

A small part of you wanted to disagree and keeping rotting in bed but a bigger part of you wanted-no needed that.

You nod your head, “yeah that sounds really nice” you softly say your voice still a bit hoarse from disuse.

Abby stands with you in her arms as she walks to the kitchen and sets you down on the counter as some makes an early dinner for the both of you. She talks about her day and manages to get a few chuckles out of you which she considers to be a win. Once food is eaten she fills up your water bottle and sets it on the bedside table.

She gets the shower ready and once you’re in she strips off her clothes and follows in behind you. She washes your hair for you and run the washcloth over your body as she tells you how much she loves your body, every single part your insecure of she have at least 20 nice things to say. The moment is not sexual but extremely intimate, the love she has for you is outpouring. Her kind words bring kinder thoughts to your mind as she showers every inch of you in praise.

After the shower you’ve changed in her your shirt and a pair a sweatpants, your sitting on the couch snuggled into Abby while a comfort movie plays on the tv. You can feel some of the coldness melt away, the dark bitterness of your mind slowly brightening as Abby showers you with love and makes sure you know just how loved you are. The depression will never 100% be gone, this is something that you will forever deal with. You have your good days and you have bad days like today but it seems almost doable with Abby by your side.

“I know you didn’t sign up for this but thank you. I wouldn’t want to have to go through this alone.” You tell her honestly

“Baby I signed up for this” she says as she turns her head to look away from the movie to look at you, her eyes meeting yours. So much love was held in those blue eyes you almost had to look away.

“I signed up for the good, bad, and everything in between. I signed up to be with you and I want everything that comes with it. This is something we’ll shoulder together. For better or for worse.” She smiles as she links her pinky with yours.

“We’re not even married.”

“Not yet we aren’t.” She says as she pressed a kiss to her head.

“You don’t have to thank me for being here for you, alright?” She brings your hand to her lips and she presses a gentle kiss to the back of it.

“I want every part of you, good and the bad.

“The good and the bad” you softly repeat after her with a small smile on your lips, the first smile she’s seen from you all day.

Once she sees the smile on your lips she leans down to gently capture your lips with hers. The kiss soft and full of love as she pulls away she has a soft smile of her own.

“Better or for worse” she whispers against your lips as she leans in for another kiss.

A/N: hope you all enjoyed this. Everyone has a different experience with depression with this is used my own experience and struggles but it’s different for everyone. If you are struggling please know that you do not deserve to struggle alone. There is help out there and my dms are always open if you need to talk. Remember to take stay hydrated and take your meds, and as always love y’all����

Dividers are by @cafekitsune

Pictures are from Pinterest

[thezombieprostitute]

Unwanted - Part 2

Summary: Your life is no longer yours. You've been forced into becoming a different species of human. Bought and paid for, what can you do but follow orders and obey your Alpha?

Warnings: Allusions to surgery, human trafficking, kidnapping; Angst; Depression; Suicidal thoughts. Let me know if I missed any!

A/N: Reader is described as big & tall, is female. No other descriptors required.

Part 1 -- Part 3

Levinson leads you to car but you pause for a few moments. You haven't seen outside in so long. Tears start streaming down your face as you look at the sky.

"Omega!" Levinson barks. You duck your head in fear and quickly climb into the car. He gets in on the other side and knocks the partition, signalling the driver he's ready to go. "Buckle up," he tells you.

You're quick to comply. You can't do anything else because you feel so dead inside. Kidnapped, tortured, and rejected. What was the point of all of it? Why did you have to suffer so much for someone who doesn't want you? Why did he ask for someone like you? It doesn't matter anymore. All you can do is follow orders and try to shut your brain down. Like post-surgery healing and recovery, the training they put you through. Just shut up, shut down and comply. You don't even bother looking out the window, it would only further remind you of what you missed. What you're never allowed to do again.

Levinson keeps working on his phone. You can only tell because of the sounds. You can't remember the last time you held a phone. But it's not your place to think about it, now is it? You take a breath and catch hints of the driver's scent. He also smells like fire, but more controlled. Like a large bonfire at the beach instead of the wildfire next to you.

You hear the partition roll down. The driver says, "we're far enough away, Ari."

"Thanks, Johnny." Levinson puts his phone in his pocket and turns to you. "I'm Ari Levinson, with the Department of Defense." He pulls out his wallet and puts it on your lap, making sure you see his badge and ID. "They weren't supposed to actually find a candidate. It was a ploy to buy us time until we could get more intelligence on the operation."

You blink, whispering, "I...I was mistake?"

"We're going to take you to a community of others of our kind where you can get proper care."

"I was a mistake?" you say louder. The tears start pouring. You can't hold them back any further. It was bad enough when you weren't wanted but have your entire existence upended for a mistake? It was too much. You collapse into a sobbing pile.

"Told you to be gentler on her, Alpha," you hear Johnny say.

"Not much that I could do to soften the blow," Ari retorts. "Let her cry it out, she definitely needs it. Might want to get some food, too. I can hear her stomach growling from here and I'm sure it's making things worse for her."

"Okay," Johnny shakes his head. He pulls out his own phone and calls someone telling them to have some food prepped for your arrival in a half hour or so.

You're all cried out by the time you reach the gate. It looks like you're entering an army base. That fits with the Department of Defense stuff Ari said. Both men show their credentials and the car is allowed inside.

"We're going to get you some food before we catch our flight," Ari tells you. "Do not speak until after the plane lands. Understand?"

You nod and he accepts that. What choice do you have?

"For what it's worth, I know the guy who works the commissary here," Johnny offers. "He's an amazing cook!" Again, all you can do is nod.

You're let out of the car and walk between the men towards what is labelled as the Mess Hall. Levinson gestures for you and Johnny to sit at one of the long tables. While you do, he goes to the kitchen and comes out with a few trays of food. The entire time you've sat, Johnny's kept a hand on your shoulder, likely as a way to try to comfort you while also keeping others away.

Every so often, as you're eating, someone either brave, stupid or dared into it, tries to approach your little group. But either Johnny or Levinson gives them a look that has them think twice and move along. You don't know if there's some special Alpha power or if they're just that intimidating. You also can't bring yourself to care. At least the food is good, best you've had in ages.

Levinson checks his phone, "time to get moving. Flight is ready for us." Johnny helps you off of the bench and you assume your position between the two men.

When you're seated on the plane between them, you try to buckle up. It's definitely not a commercial flight and you're unsure of all the straps. Ari sees you having trouble and helps you out. Before he buckles himself in he whispers in your ear, "when we land, you will be properly taken care of by a real community. I owe you at least that."

Part 1 -- Part 3

Tagging: @alicedopey; @delicatebarness; @icefrozendeadlyqueen; @lokislady82; @ronearoundblindly; @startcarvingdarling

[foliosriot]

THE ROTTEN AND UGLY

noah sebastian x reader

SUMMARY!!

you break up with noah without thinking about the consequences for either of you.

WARNINGS!!

language. description of a panic attack. self-worth issues. mental health problems (depression, anxiety).

AUTHOR’S NOTE!!

anyways this got angstier than i’d originally anticipated so uh enjoy the pain i’m about to serve you on a damaged and thrifted zoopals plate

masterlist

You hate how much he’s gotten under your skin over the years. The way he’s taken a variety of sharp objects and ruthlessly carved his name into your bones. In the intricacies of your veins there are markings that are nearly identical to his tattoos. You swear your hips and waist are permanently speckled with dark smudges, a repeating pattern that looks suspiciously like his fingerprints.

You’re still picking out pieces of him from yourself.

And yet, you were the one to end it. You were the one that told Noah you “can’t do this anymore”, whatever the hell that means. He asked as much, but you didn’t seem capable in giving him a straight answer. So you left the house battling against your instincts to run back to him.

But you were able to fight against them as you let yourself out the front door, leaving behind someone that has been a rock in your life for as long as you can remember. You left Noah standing in the living room, alone and confused. You fucking abandoned your self-proclaimed soulmate.

That was nearly a month ago.

After you left the boys’ house that day, you somehow convinced yourself that you were no longer hopelessly in love with Noah. You gaslit your own brain into believing your relationship — both platonic and romantic — was built on the fact that you were never good enough, that Noah took pity on you from the get-go.

It seemed to work. At first, that is. Because, before you altered your brain, you allowed yourself to wallow in your guilt and anxieties. For three consecutive days you bawled into your pillows, grimacing and crying even harder when the smell of Noah’s cologne met your nostrils. You were throwing yourself quite the pity party, and it was torturous.

But you were the one who was convinced that you never deserved Noah in the first place. You ended it, not him.

When those three days were up and gone, you managed to pull yourself together long enough to allow your best friend, Violet, to take you out for a girls’ night. It was something you needed — it was something that could distract you from your own head.

And the fact that it had worked was surprising. Maybe it worked too well.

At one of the handful of bars Violet had dragged you to you met Ryan. He was tall, lithe build and long limbs. His blackened hair was shorter on the sides, allowing the top to grow longer, thus falling into the beautiful hazel of his eyes. He had snow white skin but his flesh was divided up by swathes of colored ink that had nearly glowed under the neon lights. He’d donned an old Bullet For My Valentine t-shirt and black cargo pants.

Something about him had felt familiar to you. But you weren’t allowed anymore pondering over that inclination as Ryan had dragged you onto the dance floor.

It wouldn’t occur to you until a week later when you and Ryan were on your first official date. If it weren’t for the gauged ears, the round, rimless glasses, or the chunky gold rings, you would have thought he was somebody else. It was almost uncanny.

God, but you could have sworn…

You were wrong, however.

Ryan seemed to really like you, though. He had an eye for finer details and was a real sweetheart. He was obviously taking things slow with you, especially after you had accidentally dumped the story of what happened with Noah onto him over one too many shots of tequila. His genuine concern and sympathy over the entire ordeal had you fawning over him tenfold.

You and Ryan went on more dates since that night. Around him you were pushing down your self pity and replacing it with something you could have mistaken for happiness; you felt content around Ryan.

Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever.

It was nearing dusk when your apartment’s doorbell chimed. The sound startled you for a moment, but you relaxed as you headed for the door.

But there was Ryan, that smile of his you had anticipated on his face. You swallow down the chunk of disappointment.

“Hey,” you greeted him. You stepped aside to let him inside before gently clicking the door shut. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, sorry! I was gonna text you that I was coming over, but I thought I’d make it a surprise,” Ryan replies with a shrug.

You force a smile, hoping it came off, at least, partially genuine. “Oh, okay. Well, do you wanna watch a movie or something, then?” you asked.

“Sure.”

The two of you walk in to the living room in search of something to watch, be it a movie or a random episode of a TV show. You sit fairly close to each other on the small couch, a minimal amount of space between both your legs.

As you continue your hunt for your entertainment for the night, your anxiety begins to gradually rise. Your heart is thumping wildly and the palms of your hands are growing clammy and there’s a dull throbbing pain behind your left eye. Why is this happening? What the fuck is going on?

You don’t realize when you begin drawing in breaths in quicker succession, until your chest is seizing and you’re hyperventilating. The sound of Ryan’s concerned voice is muted from inside your skull, making you feel as if you were underwater. Tears are spilling down your face but you can’t find the strength to wipe them away.

Then you feel the vibrations of Ryan frantically speaking to you floating around your brain, and you’re not quite sure what he asked, but you manage to choke out one word.

Noah.

Everything became darker and blurrier after that. Time didn’t existence nor did anything around you. Your head was swimming and you couldn’t figure out where you were — if you were at home, if you were at work, with Noah.

Noah.

You think you hear the front door opening and slamming shut all of a sudden. But you aren’t quite sure anymore. This is the most violent panic attack you’ve ever had.

You jolt when there’s an unexpected hand carefully grasping yours. It must be Ryan.

His skin is frigid compared to the heat radiating from you. He begins gently running his thumb over your knuckles, a gesture that feels vaguely familiar.

The thing that finally brings you back to the present is the soft voice in your ear. At least you think it’s soft and gentle. Everything still sounds warbled, but there’s a distinct difference to this voice. You latch onto it and begin pulling yourself towards it in hopes of relinquishing the hold this panic attack has on you.

Darkness begins slinking away to reveal your living room. Your vision is blurry when you come to, but you blink away the tears that cling to your eyelashes, the action almost painful. You take a few moments to carefully and slowly gulp down several lungfuls of air before you turn to the body beside you.

But you aren’t met with the worried glaze in Ryan’s hazel eyes. Instead you see Noah next to you, his head angled down in your direction as he quietly sings.

Oh.

That’s how you were able to get through your panic attack. The only thing that has ever had that kind of power is Noah singing and holding your hand. He did it to let you know he was there the entire time, to provide something to keep you grounded to reality.

“Noah…”

Your voice comes out as a broken whisper. Noah immediately stops singing. His head shoots up. There is a frantic glint in his dark eyes as he searches your face for a moment before locking his gaze with yours.

“Baby, what happened?” he asks, one of his hands moving to your face. His palm is cool against your cheek, and you nearly shudder at the sensation of his calloused thumb gently stroking your cheekbone.

“Wh-What are you doing here?” you counter. You’re trying to ignore the fluttering sensation in your heart when he called you baby. But it is much too difficult, especially when he’s looking at you like you’re the most precious thing in the world. Like you were worth looking at and cherishing. Your stomach churns mildly.

A muscle feathers under his skin when Noah clenches his jaw. He continues staring at you, save for the single glance he shoots up and to the left.

You hesitantly look over your shoulder, and there, standing just behind the couch with his hands clenching the cushions, is Ryan. The look on his face is tight but unreadable. You feel Noah’s hand lightly glide down until it rests against the side of your neck. Ryan’s eyes track the movement.

“What happened?” You ask Ryan the same question, hoping he gives you an answer. You’re trying to ignore the placement of Noah’s hand, but it is proving to be nowhere near easy.

It takes Ryan a few prolonged seconds to say anything. But when he does finally speak, he says, “We were trying to find a movie to watch, but then you tensed and started shaking. I tried talking to you and to get you to stop crying and hyperventilating. You weren’t responding and I was getting really fucking worried.”

Ryan pauses. He visibly swallows, then shifts his hazel gaze from the hand against your throat to your face. A flinch ripples through your body at the emotionless light in his eyes.

“You managed to say one word,” he continues. His tone is devoid of feeling, almost like he was trying not to show any emotion at all. “Noah. And I automatically knew who you were talking about. So, because I was desperate as shit, I got your phone unlocked and found his contact you kept for some reason. I called him and, well, here he is.”

Ryan looks down at the floor beneath him. Your heart is speeding up once more, and Noah seems to have noticed because he presses his index finger into the pulse point beneath the hinge of your jaw. The pressure is ginger at best, but it somehow manages to keep you from going in to hysterics once more.

You look back at Noah to see him already watching you closely. Your breath hitches slightly when you notice the familiar loving shine in his irises. God, you have missed him so much.

Noah has one knee bent and resting on the couch, with the other dangling over the edge. Over the course of the attack you had crumpled into a ball — a familiar aspect of these things for you — and Noah had managed to peel away your arms from where they had wrapped around your legs like a vise. He had entered your personal bubble in hopes of helping you. One hand of his hands still held yours with a secure grip.

You felt an overwhelming need to wrap Noah up in a thankful, loving hug. But you still felt Ryan’s presence.

Mulling over your decision in your head kept the room silent. It took longer than you would have wanted, but you knew it was a necessary one to make in the first place.

“Ryan.” You shift just enough to face Ryan more directly. He lifts his head as you force your arm to move. You slowly reach for one of his hands, gathering the strength to talk. “Thank you for being here. It means so much to me.”

Ryan doesn’t say anything initially. First, he rakes his gaze over to Noah, a glare overcoming him.

“I didn’t do anything, Y/N,” he bites out. “All I did was call the ex.”

You feel Noah tense, but he doesn’t speak.

“I’m gonna leave now,” Ryan says, finally stepping away from the couch. “I’m glad you’re okay, Y/N.”

As Ryan heads for the door, you call out, “I’ll call you.”

With his hand already on the doorknob, Ryan stops to look at you. His gaze softens as you make eye contact.

“No. Don’t worry about it,” he tells you. His words are quiet and tinged with a tense of sadness. He gives you a small smile. “This was really nice. I’ll see you around.”

Then Ryan is gone.

And you’re alone with Noah.

Silence sits over you like a weighted blanket. Sitting in the dead quiet with Noah has always been relaxing and comfortable, because there would be times you would lay your head down on his chest and listen to his steady heartbeat. At times like those neither of you had any responsibilities or stresses. You simply existed together in your own little world.

But there is an underlying tension this time around. You’re still angled towards the front door and you can feel Noah watching you. His pinky brushes your collarbone, and it takes all of your remaining strength to suppress a shiver.

Then Noah’s hand slips from your neck, and you can’t help but miss the sudden vacancy.

“Y/N. Can we talk about this?”

Noah’s voice is quiet. His soft tone is tainted with something akin to anger, but you can’t be sure. Maybe it’s sadness or confusion. Either way, you turn your head towards him.

Strands of his dark hair are dangling in front of his face. There’s an unidentifiable glint in his eyes that has your heart stuttering. You suddenly have a desire to reach forward and touch the tattoos on his hands and neck, everything else covered in black clothing. And you think you’re successful at resisting that feeling, when you’ve slowly counted to ten in your head. But you can never rein yourself in very well when it comes to Noah.

You turn to fully face him. He watches your every move with a confused air about him. His body stills completely when you finally stretch your arm out, your fingertips brushing the red apple at his throat. You swear he shivers slightly when your fingernails graze his inked skin.

Noah lets you touch his tattoos without a word or twitch of a muscle. With every movement you make he watches you like a hawk, like he’s going to tear you limb from limb at any moment. You have done this countless times over the years, but something about this time feels different.

This goes on for only a few short minutes. Until Noah grasps your wrists and gently pushes your arms away from him. He keeps his hold on you.

“Y/N.”

Your throat constricts slightly in apparent preparation to cry once more. But you swallow thickly as you manage to meet his eye.

“Noah.”

He tightens his jaw. He lowers his eyebrows slightly as he considers you and your slightly patronizing reply of his name.

“We’re gonna talk about this,” he tells you. “Right now. Whether you like it or not. We need to talk.”

And he’s right, you know he is. Though you don’t know how this is going to go.

You shakily take a deep breath anyways. You nod once, gesturing as best as you can despite your momentary shackles for Noah to speak.

“Why? Why did you break up with me?” Oh god, you’re hoping he didn’t feel your pulse spike at his question. “I mean, you gave me a reason, but we both know it was kinda bullshit. You didn’t tell me the truth. So can you tell me the truth now?”

Fuck. You can’t do this.

I’m sorry, Noah. But I can’t do this anymore.

There’s a pulsing behind your eye. Your head is pounding and your cheeks are tear-stained. And you would be an even bigger liar if you restated what you said that night. ‘Cause by the fucking gods above, you were all in from the beginning. You knew you were in love with Noah a long time before you actually started dating. You have been by his side through the worst years of his life, and he has been there for yours.

You have missed him more than anything this past month. Even while hanging out with Ryan something felt off. Your brain was too hung up on Noah to even fathom forgetting him or replacing him.

So what’s the point of hiding anything else from Noah, since he has seen and witnessed every dark and ugly and rotten thing you hold inside? He saw all the bad and evil that reside deep, deep down and still chose to stay.

But you have been broken for a long time, even considering how much Noah has helped you. There is something damaged beyond repair within. You’re not sure if it’s worth keeping anyone around anymore in order to try and fix it. It seems pointless, really.

Noah is still watching you. His hands are firm around your wrists as he waits for your answer.

“I’ve never been good enough for you,” you finally say, and it feels like a weight is lifted from your chest. “You how damaged I am. You have seen all of the shit that keeps me up at night and you’ve experienced firsthand how violent my panic attacks are. Why the fuck did you stay? You’re Noah fucking Sebastian. Lead singer of a successful metal-core band, who could have anyone he wants. And you chose me? I guess I just don’t see why.

“I’m not worth the hassle or worry. Everyone wastes their time with me. I’m not getting better — I can’t get better! So I removed the variable that was the issue. I removed the problem so you wouldn’t have to. I willingly took the swan dive, ‘cause sooner or later I was gonna self-destruct. I’m a fucking time-bomb, and you know it.”

Throughout your explanation Noah stared at you. He had made no attempts to interject or talk down on your feelings. He listened intently, and your heart aches.

But you can’t take the staring any longer. You wrench your hands away from Noah and stand from the couch. You wobble on your feet for a moment before you regain your balance, shuffling to the other side of the living room.

You turn to look at Noah to see him slumped against the back couch cushions. His arms are crossed over his chest and his eyes are still tracking you. Both feet are planted on the carpet.

“Would you stop looking at me like that?” you demand. “Like—Like I’m being irrational. Or, like—“

“Like I actually care about you?”

You fall silent at Noah’s interruption. His face is nearly expressionless, but you detect the minuscule frown on his lips.

“I’m not gonna stop caring about you, Y/N,” Noah continues, his voice low. You think he may be angry. “It’s not something I’m interested in doing. Because, yeah, I’ve seen all of the fucked up shit inside of you, but you’ve also seen it from me. You chose to stay too, right? So why would I want someone who doesn’t harbor a little bit of pain or agony? That makes you human, and that makes you you. ‘Cause believe me when I say that I am in love with you. Baggage and everything. But I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

Tears had begun falling from your eyes again. Your lips trembled slightly at Noah’s declaration. Your body was shaking.

You watch as Noah gets to his feet. You can’t help but fold your arms around your torso as he slowly approaches you. The blood pumping through your veins and roaring in your ears is deafening.

“I can’t promise I won’t hurt you.”

Noah pauses a few paces away at your words. He meets your eye for just a moment before you’re locking your gaze onto the floor.

“Okay. Then don’t promise. I don’t care if you hurt me, ‘cause I’m gonna stay either way.”

“No.”

“No, what?”

“What if…” You sniffle as you tighten your hold on yourself. “What if I don’t want you to stay?”

“That’s not happening.”

“Noah, I—“

Noah takes the steps forward to reach you. “The only reason you don’t want me to stay is so you can convince yourself everything was your fault,” he told you. His voice is still low in pitch and peppered with a certain hardness. “I’m not gonna let that happen. None of this is your fault.”

Your instincts are screaming at you to fall into Noah. Every inch of your body is berating you to let this all go and let Noah back in. You both need each other, you know that. So why is this so goddamn hard?

His words hang in the air like a heavy fog. Your vision is blurry from tears. Your heart is nearly beating out of your chest. This has to end.

“Get out.”

Noah recoils a fraction at your unexpected statement. “What?”

“I said get out. I made my decision, and you need to respect that.”

“I’m not leaving.”

More tears cascade down your face. Every single one feels like acid eating away at your skin as you raise your head to look Noah in the eye.

“I’m not going to ask you again, Noah.”

Noah doesn’t protest. But you can see the tears in his eyes as he eventually backs away and goes for the front door. You’re shaking uncontrollably as you watch him open the door, chance a glance back at you, then leave. He gently shuts it behind him.

A void opens up in your chest. It yawns wide, a blackened abyss growing bigger and bigger inside of you, threatening to consume your soul.

God, what the fuck have you done? You are so in love with him, and you just let him leave like that. You can’t even begin to believe that you’re this fucking stupid.

But Noah left because he loves you. And that makes the tears fall harder and faster.

You can’t imagine a life where he isn’t there. Frankly, you don’t want to imagine such a life. In every past, present and future you have ever conjured up in your head, Noah has always been there. And you just ruined any chance of fulfilling a better future for both of you.

This can’t happen.

You’re not going to let this happen.

Without thinking you dash for the door and fling it open. At the other end of the fairly short hallway, near the elevator, is Noah. His head is hung and he’s holding his phone. You can’t see his face clearly, but there’s a foreign rigidness to his body that you wish you never have to see again.

“Noah!”

And at first Noah doesn’t react. Then he’s twisting his neck to look your way. The sight of you has him straightening his posture and sliding his phone back in to his pocket. You can see the rise and fall of his chest, a certain anxiety about him that hurts your heart.

Then you let out a loud sob, and Noah is racing for you without hesitation. He gathers you in his arms before your body crumples to the floor. You latch your fingers onto the fabric of his shirt as you cry against his shoulder. One of his arms is fastened around your abdomen while the other is along your shoulders, that hand slipping through your locks of hair and carelessly gripping at the roots.

“I’m sorry,” you sob against his body. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. God, I’m so stupid. I am so sorry—“

Noah cuts you off. “No, Y/N, do not apologize,” he tells you, his own voice thick with tears. “You’re not stupid, either. You were trying to do the right thing for you, and that’s okay. Never apologize for that. Okay?”

You manage to nod once. Then he’s carrying you back into your apartment in the direction of your room. He carefully sets you down on your bed and immediately joins you. There’s blankets around you and Noah is holding you tightly.

You bury your face in his neck with your arms coiled around his shoulders. His arms hold you against him, his head resting beside yours on the pillows.

The pillows were beginning to lose the smell of Noah’s cologne. You were worried they would have trapped the scent of Ryan instead over the past couple weeks, but all you feel is Noah. Every sense is overwhelmed by him and his presence. The feeling of his body against yours feels like coming home once and for all.

thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed! likes and reblogs are very much appreciated <3

♱ foliosriot 2023

[drdemonprince]

Heyyo - autist here who’s still figuring out my physical and emotional needs. I use weed every day, and part of me has shame around this (as I am a “professional” and supposedly it’s “bad for you”, and it costs money) and the other part of me says “fuck it, there’s no moral value in not using drugs and you should do what you need to”. I guess I’m wondering what perspectives you can offer on this. I’m ruminating on it a bit lately and need some outside people to share their thoughts to get me out of that cycle. Thnx

I find that I am a lot more in tune with my bodily sensations and emotions when I am high, and that I find it easier to enjoy things and to chat amiably with random people when I'm high too. It makes life easier and more pleasant to such an extent that I wonder if I ought to smoke weed daily to medicate all my Problems and Difficulties and general irritation at of most aspects of existence. But then I don't. Because I get freaked out by the brain foggy weed hangover that drifts into the next day, and I assume that it will be bad for my writing to be high, and perhaps most of all, because I am terrified of building up a really high weed tolerance and then needing to use a ton to feel anything, or to even return to a baseline.

A couple years back I tried out vaping almost nightly for a few months, and it definitely reached a point where simply *not* being high felt like being anxious, it seemed, so I decided pretty quickly to reduce my weed intake. I don't like NEEDING any substance to function or to just feel okay. so for now I keep it to the weekends. I often think of using weed more often than that, and kind of want to, but i don't.

The research on chronic long-term weed use is quite encouraging! There are no cognitive or motivational downsides to using weed every day, or even multiple times per day. Conversely, there are many emotional and psychological benefits. @testdevice and I discussed the latest scientific research on the subject at length here:

There's really only one rub to the study's findings: people who use weed multiple times per day have a baseline lower mood than people who use weed frequently, but not quite that often. NOW THIS IS NOT A CAUSAL RELATIONSHIP. Chronic heavy weed use is not CAUSING people to be more depressed -- it simply seems to be the case that people who are chronically depressed are reaching more frequently for weed to cope with it.

The study shows weed use does raise mood including for members of that group, so there really is no serious drawback to using marijuana here!

But It does align with a finding that I've made in my personal life: the moments when I want to use weed the most frequently are when something in my life is completely out of wack. When I'm super overworked and stressed out, the temptation is to use weed as a way to down-regulate my anxiety, but what actually works far better for me is taking actual steps to reduce stress in my life. I COULD use weed for depression or for failing to find life activities enjoyable, and it works, but it's also worth asking myself which aspects of my life need to change so that I can feel less depressed and get through the day feeling okay. negative emotions are a signal that something in life is going wrong and needs to be fixed, and I do not want to ignore that alarm system.

Those are just some things to think about. Personally, I think that if you have some ability to make choices in your life that can improve your general circumstances, it's better to do that than to use weed to make a life that sucks a little more tolerable. But if daily weed use is helping make your life better or less hard, the weed itself is not the problem!

Lots of people determine that daily weed use has considerable benefits for them with relatively few costs. For me, using a couple times per week is what hits that sweet spot. but ymmv.

[paintednailsandsoftdetails]

911, a confession

Let me start by saying that I don't really know what I'm doing here, so bear with me. If I actually go through with posting this, and you find yourself tagged and wondering who I am and why, or even if you happen upon it in the tags, I hope you take a minute to read this.

You don't know me, but you've been my community for a while now. I've checked your blogs daily for years, I've read your posts and loved your art and sent you countless anonymous asks to pick your brains- never hate though, because I'm not a Freak.

What I am, however, is a lonely lesbian with depression and (newly diagnosed) OCD, who has always needed some hyperfixation media/fandom to find life bearable. For some ~fun context, I was Raised by the glee fandom, I will die on the hill that watching queer as folk when I was 14 and discovering its fans 10+ years after airing made me who I am, I've got the most bizarrely timed stint in the 1D fandom under my belt, and I find nothing in the world more interesting and also affirming than Queer Reading (verb) media- to the extent that I earned an English degree and wrote a thesis specifically about it.

I haven't posted on here in 1.5 years, since I fell out of my previous fandom (apologies to anyone from said fandom who still happens to follow me and is seeing this, feel free to move along.) But I've been on this app every day since, because of 911.

(starting the read more here to spare you- again especially if you are tagged, I know you're probably feeling miserable rn but I do hope the entirety of this love letter reaches you)

I started "watching" mid season 5- by which I mean I was in a deep depressive state after disconnecting with previous media hyperfixation and, when I happened upon 911 trending while in need of distraction, I quickly fell down a rabbit hole. Tale as old as time, tumblr dot com convinces you that you need to tune into *insert media here* bc its fun and there are gay people! I caught myself up through all the big blogs and by the time May Day was airing I felt like I had a decent grasp on all the lore, all the fandom drama, all the places the writers were "definitely, so brilliantly" going to be taking the show that we had to look forward to, all without ever having actually seen an episode of the show (before you boo me, yes I've watched it by now, even season 1)

But I think it is important, and also a little messed up, that I fell in love with 911 through YOU, through the fans. Obviously watching the show initially through the lens of fan reactions first and not whats actually happening on screen can have some... interesting results. We've heard it all before, with the people who started watching specifically for Buddie around season 4/5 because they saw The Will and by the time they caught themselves up and watched the end of season 6 they wanted their refunds.

Here is where I want to make a clarification- the reason I got so interested, why I started coming back every day to check in on tags and certain favorite blogs I didn't even follow bc I was denying the want to become fully Involved, was because I fell in love with Evan Buckley. I won't lie, it was Buddie that caught my attention first- of course, thats what everyone here was talking about- and as much as I quickly started discover the value of the show outside of them (Henren my absolute Beloveds!!!!! Captain Dad Bobby Nash you are so special to ME. Chimney man of all time i can keep going) none of it was enough initially to bite the bullet and catch up on 5 seasons worth of a show I also knew would have elements I WASNT interested in (Copaganda and Taylor Kelly I am looking at you.)

But then I started really getting into fan's readings of Buck *insert footage of me learning the Buck Begins of it all for the first time* as a character separate from Eddie (as much as people were capable of anyway, and I will say some of yall continue to be absolutely atrocious at it) and I knew I was done for. Buck, this character so full of goodness, and his need to be Found but to also Find his own family and purpose and sense of self, for whom the show's thesis statement concerns the act of working to Make the kind of Love you want to have in this world, even if you were raised without a blueprint for it- I'm sorry but what else were me and my gay ass queer reading inclined hyperfixated brain to do other than take Evan Buckley into the folds and never let him go?

I love Buck. I was convinced by the time the s5 finale was airing before I had actually watched the show that Buck had to be bi. Even if they never did a thing with it you couldn't convince me otherwise and I was also confident that Oliver was portraying him with a similar mindset. I never wavered in that interpretation, even when the utter disappointment of the s6 finale and the failure to do anything truly meaningful character development wise through the lightning strike-Natalia speed run hit, and certainly not as I got fully caught up actually watching the show outside of tumblr live reactions during episode airings. I'll admit I was pretty ready to Check Out after the end of season 6, to the point where I hardly checked in on fandom at all going into 7 until the rumblings of possible canon Bi Buck reached me and I doubled back like "hold on, for real this time?" But when I say Check Out, I mean I was ready to walk away from the hyperfixation with a joint lack of satisfaction with canon & firm conviction that Buck was queer.

Things with Eddie are a lil different- and I want to try and keep this bit brief bc this is ultimately a post about Buck and Bucktommy and I have no interest in unsettling those of you who may have a queer reading connection to Eddie as real as the one I feel for Buck, but unfortunately this conversation cannot exist separately from the Eddie/Buddie of it all- I personally don't think Eddie is queer. I don't really think I ever did, even when I was in the thick of it with falling for Buddie. I know me saying this would cause certain audience to pelt me with accusations of fetishizing Buck or treating Eddie as nothing more than a vehicle for Queer Buck via Buddie- false! I actually think Eddie is an incredibly fascinating character, a deeply compelling representation of grief and fatherhood and masculinity, and also a hilariously weird lil bitch guy. I just don't feel like- especially having removed fanon glasses while actually starting to watch the show, and taking the time to acknowledge that the things about Buddie that appealed to me on a romantic level (this is NOT about their friendship which i stand by being beautiful and important) all boiled down elements I was reading within and onto BUCK specifically, not Eddie. Perhaps an impossible concept for some, the idea that Bi Buck could feel so real and apparent to me primarily divorced from the idea that Eddie had to be queer as well, but I won't bore you with my explanations for it, though I suspect the people tagged and still reading by this point know exactly what I am talking about.

All of this potentially obnoxious prologue to say, I've spent the last however many months falling in love with canon Bi Buck *insert footage of me speed running back into my daily fandom involvement/blog check ins the moment I knew Buck kissed a man*, with Bucktommy, and with Bucktommy fans.

For a long while there I had resigned myself to an odd, though perhaps not as unique as I thought, reality of loving and fully believing in Queer Buck, not necessarily feeling the same about Eddie or Buddie, but also in full agreement with many that already 6 seasons in with literally nothing else having remotely worked, Buddie would be the only satisfying conclusion for Buck's love story. This is again not exactly how I felt about Eddie- but a big part of that for me is that I don't think Eddie's primarily story in 911 is a love story. He's the vessel for telling other important, beautiful stories about fatherhood and forgiveness and that is OKAY bc not every characters story is a love story!!! Evan Buckley's is though (Despite some very weird and confusing things mr stark has just said about his character that actively contradict what hes previously said and what audiences have been looking at and for this entire time, but I digress)

But then! By whatever happy accident we want to call it 911 had Tommy Kinard fall back into its lap as the solution to what felt like the impossible: They found the ONE way they could introduce a non Eddie Diaz love interest for Buck that COULD be satisfying for Bucks story. Someone with connections to the 118 and the shows history and potential for further development within main storylines as his job directly pertains to their plots. Someone with such compelling connections for interweaving these two characters that it got us- including the showrunner- talking about the Red String of Fate. That it got some of the beloved tumblr pals I had been watching for years, who NEVER would have believed they'd ever root for a Buck endgame that wasnt Buddie doing exactly that, and with joy, love, and conviction. Again I'll ask, what else were me and my Buck loving brain to do but take Bucktommy into the folds and never let go? (apparently I hadn't considered that there was apparently horrifying alternative- more on that next!)

As you all damn well know, falling in love with Bucktommy has not come without its trails. I have never seen things in fandom as vile as the things I've seen go down here. And as I mentioned before, I've been IN IT with yall for a while, even if you didnt know it. I was here, lurking, and I know this fandom has had its highlight reels of racism and misogyny and harassment (despite certain factions current batshit consensus that things were "never bad" before *gasp* a couple of people, some over the ancient age *double gasp* of 30 heard about bucktommy through tumblr the same damn way the 90% of you who havent been watching since season 1 heard about buddie and decided to invest)

What happened tonight made me cry, for about 40 minutes straight. And yeah, its been a devastating week for us all for a lot of reasons. On top of the ~national dread (I'm a lesbian in the US btw) today was my 7th out of 9 straight days of open to close shifts in a demanding retail/management position, and I have a head cold so maybe this was just a Breaking Point after a whole lotta shit.

But also, maybe, it was really fucking shitty to watch this play out. I've already seen countless people say it better than I could. Yeah, its a tv show. It's a fictional ship. But its also escapism, a spot of joy many of us were extra dependent on this week. It was something GOOD, queer representation and a love story on national tv days after a horrifying reality set in for queer people, and we are allowed to acknowledge how much losing that sucks just on a general level for a second...

Second over, now lets talk not on the general level. Lets talk about how I've watched real human beings get harassed, sent death threats, be told they are faking cancer and failing to properly grieve dead loved ones, I've watched deeply homphobic language be adopted and incorporated into everyday use despite constant correction and pleas from queer men to knock it the hell off, I've watched homophia as a whole run rampant and unchecked by big blogs, with some biphobia to boot, I've seen some images of horrific anti gay violence and historical trauma invoked as a way to make fun of others, I've seen lesbianism slandered and proffered as an excuse for such vile behavior in a disgusting erasure of the beautiful solidarity that has historically existed between gay men and lesbians in the face of homophobia, and yes, I've seen graphic descriptions of child rape via targeted fanfiction attacks.

Again, others have already said it better than I can: This isn't about Bucktommy. It's about the way that everyone who was Pulling for them as a couple, who DARED to *checks scribble on hand* enjoy a canon queer mlm couple featuring a character (or two) they've grown to care deeply for, has been subjected to all the above mentioned and more, and for...what. For. What.

In the name of a fanon couple that has not been legitimized by the writers in 7 years? of a fanon character interpretation of a canonically straight man (not just assumed straight, verbally assigned straight now on multiple occasions) that people cannot fathom perceiving this show, let alone liking these characters, without? For the version of this story that, if the writers REALLY wanted to happen could have happened so many fucking times by now- especially when the show was coming to what might have been its end in s6- and still hasn't? A version that has been dismissed multiple times by the writers cast crew and every other unfortunate individual who has been harassed repeatedly about it?

And I'm not here to say Buddie is inherently bad!!!! It brought me into this same as the rest of you. I don't even believe it would necessarily be a bad or wrong conclusion for either character or the show were it to eventually, finally happen!! But for the love of god, hear me when i say from the outsider pov of someone who has experience the show in the way I did first through fandom then stepping back to watch for real and now watching it with my mother who is a near Exact representation of the general audience of this show (experienced Procedural watcher, no idea about Buddie or fandom interpretation, had no sense of gay eddie to speak of, and is not shocked but pleasantly surprised by and endeared by Bi Buck) you are SEVERELY deluded if you think what happened tonight by breaking up Bucktommy "makes sense" to any audience outside of buddies who've been writing manifestos for years about how every single thing in this show is "carefully, intentionally, clearly" leading to Buddie canon. I swear to you the people at home do not fucking see it. The people at home saw Buck in a nice, developing relationship that finally seemed to be going somewhere real for him after discovering an important part of his identity late in life, and then they saw that relationship abruptly ended and Buck heartbroken, going to sit with his best, still straight, bud Eddie Diaz. The ONLY people this makes sense for are the people who I am afraid it seems may have legimately bullied this into happening.

And if that is the case? We are sooo far fucking past the point of no return here. There is no true satisfaction in a Buddie canon endgame here for anyone who's lived through the past half a year in this fandom unless you were a perpetrator of any of the horrific shit mentioned above. I mean that with my whole fucking chest. If, and i do think it is a Big Fucking Fat if, Buddie does happen, and you find yourself no qualms happy and satisfied with it as your well earned endgame, I hope you know how rotted you are. And while I'm at it, I hope some way some how you come to see that this was not the carefully crafted beautifully developed loved story of all time you were gods bravest soldier in waiting for. Its just what left after years of meandering storytelling and cyclical character "development" with a bow slapped on top at the last moment because the gift giver was afraid you might kill them if they presented less.

Anyway. I said a million words ago that this was a love letter, and I do mean that. As much as its also been an mental health exercise for me to write this all out. So,

@kinardbuckleys @bucksboobs @kirkaut @tevankinkley @userautumn @sunglassesmish @tommyscurls @ohithankyou @buckxtommy @princessfbi @bigfootsmom @firewasabeast

(And so many other people I'm surely forgetting, and the few artists and writters on other platforms I dared to venture to- maybe never opening twitter again after this xoxo)

Thank you. You don't know me, I never quite got over the anxiety of trying to re-enter a fandom space after a time away, or maybe some of the imposter syndrome or embarrassment I felt accidentally falling in love with this show and Buck by just watching you all talk about him before anything else. But for the last few months, some of you years, you've been my community, my escape. I've loved watching your brains and your hearts work to discuss and create, even amidst the absolute shittiest fandom behavior Ive ever seen. And I am as grateful for getting to experience it from a far as I am devastated at the thought of losing it, of not individually typing in all your blog names (I was too anxious to even FOLLOW you guys truly rip) to see what new content or spec or art or love you had to share about Buck / Bucktommy every day.

In another life- one where idk perhaps people were kinder or showrunners weren't bullied and actors weren't dropped last minute after months of torment and a satisfying canon queer love story for a character who genuinely needs it could just Be in peace- I would have loved to one day put on my big girl pants (aka saved Buck url) joined the fandom for real. To have directly talked to any of you in a way that wasnt... this.

I would have loved to love Bucktommy with you.

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

What Needs Your Attention Right Now? Pick A Pile

Feeing inspired, so just wanted to try something new. Hope you all like it!

PILE 1 - Calm Down. Focus on a higher cause. Resting and Rejuvenation.

So for this group, its time for you to rest that head of yours. How can you move forward if your mind isn't well rested? Think before you speak, and learn to be quiet more. Any intrusive thoughts you might be having are asking for a creative outlet. So go slow. Take your time, and just breathe. For this group, spending time in nature or fully taking in the time to meditate is a primary focus you guys should get into at this time.

Chakra that needs work: Root Chakra. You need to stay grounded and start writing down your thoughts in a notebook. Healing any old issues could come through from the power of writing. Depressive thoughts could be something worth noting with this group, however I see going outside and getting some fresh air takes some of the pressure from low emotions you're feeling off of you a bit. For more ways to ground, try putting your feet in the grass, it helps stimulate the body. In the morning, find something to calm and relax the mind, maybe soft music? Make sure to stretch when you wake up to stimulate to brain. Overall, for this group you need to be patient and let things run its course.

PILE 2 - Letting go brings great success. Goals & Dreams. Focusing on the Higher Path.

So this group needs to put a little more energy into their goals! Brain fog might be significant for this group and this could be causing uncertainty in what you want for yourself. You have the power to receive what it is you want. The power is in your mind. You must know that it is yours, and on a mental scale challenging your brain to do more and feel more deserving of your goals will strengthen you in the end. Ever heard of fake it til you make it? You never know until you try.

Chakra that needs work: Third Eye + Solar Plexus

Work out. Work out. Work it Out! Put some more work in exercising those muscles. Working out the body helps the brain work harder to fight of anything that keeps it from focusing, and you need all the energy you can get to master those goals of yours. Perception is another focus for this group, trying making a plan for yourself and what you see for the next 5 years or so, k? This will help with visualization skills in the future. Speaking of visualization, try making a vision board and keeping it somewhere you can see everyday! Something about your goals are important and need some heavy lifting. Remember all seeds grow at their own pace, so just because you don't see anything after a week, a month, yr, etc doesn't mean its not moving. The garden you create has its own tempo at the end of the day. ;)

PILE 3 - Following Your Destiny. A Higher Calling.

Soul Purpose. Your mission is coming up and its moving out everything thats been in the way. You have to move forward with what your spirit wants from you, as your destiny is more important than you realize. Be thankful for the past, and move higher into the present. Take a deep breathe and forge through the challenges and obstacles that we're standing in your way and lead to a higher destination. You've been brought here for something significant, but do you know that? Take time to listen to your intuition and focus on what is asked of you at this time.

Chakra that needs work : Heart Chakra

So this chakra is in control of your higher purpose. You need love to bring it all into fruition. Let this passion for something deeper burn in you so that you can heal any troubles from the past, as this could have blocked you from knowing what it is you desire. Be more open to enjoying life as is, because this group is suppose to live life on edge. And you are meant to be leading your life with the power of the infinite, which brings it all back to love. Hope this helps !

[applejuicefruit]

one where the reader has just given birth to her first child with kylian, and she has a kind of "postpartum depression", she is very insecure about her body, she is exhausted by the new routine, and whenever she has to breastfeed she cries because her breasts are still sensitive and etc... she hesitates to talk to kylian about it, but after a while he brings it up again to understand what is going on with her, they talk about everything and he comforts and cares her... if u can, please.

I love this request so much 😭

Tw: postpartum depression, depression in general, anxiety, reader being self conscious

Kylian Mbappe x reader

The way you are

Two months ago your life completely changed.

You and Kylian were expecting your first child and you were both thrilled, excited and scared. It was a rollercoaster of emotions but you couldn’t wait to meet the new addition to the family. Two months ago and you gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy, Samuel, and you couldn’t be happier. He was Kylian’s twin. But now it was hard for you to get used to the new routine. It wasn’t only waking up in the middle of the night because your baby needed to be changed or fed. It was all the stress that came with the pregnancy. Everyone felt like women had to be happy they welcomed a new life on earth, had to be joyful that the pain they went through for nine months was finally over and had to know everything about taking care of a new born - but it wasn’t like that, these past two months have been hitting you really hard, both mentally and physically.

You were grateful for Kylian to be there every time you needed him, he was such a good father and a very fast learner. His family did helped you a lot too. His mom knew how much having kids could be exhausting so she made sure to watch the baby a couple days so you could rest without getting worried of being woke up.

But still, even if you had free times your mind couldn’t seem to stop. It was a constant fight between you and your brain.

Everytime you looked in the mirror you couldn’t stand the person in front of you. It wasn’t you. You didn’t recognized her. Your body got bigger with the pregnancy, your breast fuller and your legs and feet were always sore.

Breastfeeding was a living hell for you. You thought it would give you joy seeing your baby being so healthy and hungry but you hated those moments and you couldn’t help but think that something was definitely wrong with you. Your breast was always so sensitive and it hurt when Sammy was feeding that you cried every single time. You were always tired more than you were when you were pregnant. The baby took a lot of energy from you.

Kylian noticed that you became quieter and he honestly didn’t like it. You were usually a very talkative person, always bright and joyful, your positive aura protecting you and all the people around you so he started questioning what was going on with you. He waited for you to open up with him but when he saw that you didn’t he broke the silence and made the first move.

“Hey baby…” he approached you one night when you were both in bed, Samuel falling asleep in Kylian’s arms just thirty minutes earlier.

“Hey…” you whispered, completely exhausted.

“Can I ask you something?” he asked laying in bed next to you. You nodded.

“You would tell me if something is wrong, right?” he asked, trying to slowly approach the topic.

“Yes why?” you asked him a bit confused.

“I’m not judging you okay? But…I feel like you’re getting distant from me, from everyone actually and I’m a bit worried…is everything okay baby?” he asked you.

No. Nothing is okay you wanted to say. But you couldn’t complain about it because in your mind, doing all of these painful and tiring things for your baby, would have been absolutely worth it for him in the future, so as a mother you should have endured the pain and going on.

“Yes everything is okay Kylian” you lied.

“Babe please tell me what’s going on? I know you’re not okay I can see that…I just wanna help” he begged you because he hated seeing you like that.

“You wanna help me? Go and breastfeed your child!” you shouted, completely forgetting about the walls you built up and letting all of your emotions coming out “go and look at yourself in the mirror and stand there, staring at someone who’s not you but at the same time looks exactly like you! Take care of Samuel every time he needs to be fed because my breast can’t take it anymore! It hurt Kylian! It hurt so fucking much you have no idea and there’s nothing I can do about it because I am a mom and I shouldn’t be complaining because these are normal things to do but I can’t do it! It’s fucking exhausting and I feel so bad because all I want to do is love my child but I feel like I can’t do it because of all of the pain I’m going though…you have no idea Kylian how every single inch of my body hurts!” you said, completely breaking down.

Kylian was shocked and hurt because he wished he realised sooner that this new routine was completely killing you.

“Baby…hear me out. I love you and that’s not gonna change. I loved your body before and I love your body now because it’s yours. It’s you y/n and I love you just the way you are…” he said holding you in his arms “I’m so sorry you feel this way baby, I really am…I wish I could do something for helping you with the pain…we can try some massages if you want to? I’m open to do anything in my power to make you feel comfortable” he said from the bottom of his heart because he couldn’t stand the idea of you being in pain “what you’re going through it’s normal baby…a lot of women go through postpartum depression and I think talking with a specialist might help you, only if you’re up for it, it’s up to you, but whatever you decide to do I’m here, to help you and support you. You’re not alone in this okay?” he softly said while leaving gentle kisses to your neck.

You calmed down listening to his voice and you were so grateful for having someone like him by your side.

“Thank you Kylian” you said wiping your tears away.

“Don’t thank me baby…I’m here, I will always be here for you, and Sammy, you two are the most important people in my life and I love you so much” he said truthfully.

You fell asleep in his arms, while he softly massaged your back and neck, trying to ease the pain.

[yourmidnightlover]

undeserving

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

summary: your self destructive tendencies have won this round, leading to you making a pivotal decision to end your relationship with bucky.

warnings: intense depression and self hatred, low self esteem/self worth, ANGST LMAOOO, no happy ending :(

a/n: short and not so sweet. idk why i was wanting to write something so sad lol. on a brighter note... i'm currently working on the next chapter to timeless :)

you didn't deserve the love you were being shown.

your pulse racing, tears clouding your vision as the music drowned out all of your senses that remained. he enveloped you entirely, made you want to be better.

he deserved so much. so much more than what you could give him.

he had come back from literal hell on the other side, and the world, ever so cruel, gave him you. a sick sense of humor it's got, truly.

you're weighed down by the simple tasks of everyday life. getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, showering... everything is a battle.

there was an urge, an unbridling urge, to want to be everything he deserved and more. but something in your godforsaken brain wasn't clicking.

the chemical imbalance in your brain has ruined your path. now, it was muddy and cloudy and there was no clear answer of what to do or say or ask in order to fix it.

but when you see him, his strength, you simply feel pitiful. how could someone battle his inner demons everyday and win, conquering them as he has battles from his past, be with someone who let menial tasks ruin their day?

so, as he stood in his tux, awaiting your arrival so he could finally ask you to dance, you approached him with baited breath.

"may i have this dance, doll?" he held his hand out, an uncharacteristic smile gracing his lips, the one that only showed when you were near.

you couldn't trust your voice. instead, you placed your hand in his, relishing in the fire that sparked from his touch, savoring it as if it were the last time. because it was.

you rested your head on his chest, swaying to the music as your free hand grasped his shoulder, tethering yourself to the ground so you wouldn't float away like you desperately wanted.

maybe you should've bribed the dj, made him put this song on a loop. a promise of calm and serenity before you wrecked your entire world.

maybe it was your self destructive tendencies that made this decision.

maybe it was reality sinking in, that the an who was holding you like you were the most beautiful thing to exist should be holding someone who truly was beautiful... and unbroken.

as the song came to a close, you pulled back with tears in your eyes. you could see his face contorting as he tried to piece together why you were so distraught.

"'doll..." his hands grasped your waist tenderly, gently squeezing as if he, too, was trying to ensure that he wouldn't float away.

"i-i can't," you choked on a sob, not wanting to cause a scene in the middle of the beautiful event. "i'll always love you, james," you let your hands hold his face one last time, leaning forward to press a kiss to his nose. "but i can't be with you anymore." your voice was cracking as the tears were streaming down your face, breaking down the stoic barrier you had tried to keep plastered up through the night.

you couldn't look in his eyes again. they would tell a story you were too afraid to hear. they would whisper that you were being a coward, too scared to not amount to the expectations you had set for yourself. they would whisper that you should listen to bucky when he told you how wonderful you are.

eventually, they would convince you to stay.

but staying would mean you were dragging him down with you. you refused to be that kind of burden to him.

later, when he retreated to his room, bucky would find a letter you had written him. one detailing the shortcomings you believed you had, how he deserved more and better than someone so tormented by their own mind.

how you were so undeserving of his love.

[moonlit-void-to-the-far-unknown]

Me: thinking how I would def be the type to fall into Armand’s angel of death way of hunting humans when he needs to feed.

Imagine, you’re severely mentally ill, been on meds for years but it’s ya know, still mentally fucked in your upstairs cause trauma, you blog about it and suddenly your 18-25, still having that lingering thought of wanting to off yourself, maybe you’ve tried a few times to end it (hi that’s me I have tried 3 times. Trust me it’s not worth it, just think of your animals and how they need you and it keeps ya hanging on this has been a PSA from me)

Now your sat in your room and get a message or see someone pop up with similar things to you, and you answer, it’s Armand, he tells ya all the things you want to hear, and it’s great, it’s nice, he gets you, you get him, and he starts slipping in these little things, they plant into your brain, he asks to meet up, you go to his penthouse, and he says “if you make it to this place by sundown, I’ll give you x amount of money” and you being a severely depressed human are game, like fuck it either i die or i get enough money to live hella comfortable.

So you agree, I mean according to Google maps, it’s only an hour and a half walk, and he said it’s easy. And if he really is a vampire, well he can’t go out in the sun right? Right.

So your walking out of the penthouse, and he said you had like a 5 minute head start, so you think taking the easy way is to convenient, to simple, so you slip in and out of buildings, blending with the crowd, you make it roughly 30 minutes, then he’s found you, he’s fast, the sun is out still but he’s in front of you? So maybe it’s not the sun…maybe it’s later than you thought.

Your heart is slamming in your chest and you realize, he’s speaking,

‘Rest now’ and suddenly yours calm, you body isn’t heavy, you feel comfortable. Safe. He sits with you on a bench, he’s staring off as the night sky darkens

(This is taking from my life so ya know trigger warning for that)

“You’ve wanted this for a long time, a sister who hurt you, parents who neglected you, a baby sitter who caused trauma I understand well. You would hurt yourself but now that doesn’t do anything anymore, you starve yourself only to binge and hate yourself after. You’re lonely, and always have been. And now you sit waiting every day for the night to come so you can sleep and dream of a life better then this.”

And he’s right, he’s dead on, suddenly your eyes are tired, you’re so tired. Have you always been this tired? This in need of rest.

“I’m the quiet you called for, craved, when you over dosed, you heard me calling to you. And I’ve come. Finally. I’m sorry for making you wait so long.”

And the rest is a blur, a warm, safe blur, his hand is on your face, his voice soft and calm, his eyes hold a caring in them you’ve never seen from anyone before. It’s beautiful,

He looks at you and you see flashes of a life you don’t know if it’s real memories or false ones, a life of something or someone that is shaped like you but you don’t know if it is.

“You sit on a bed, in a room, not wanting to move even as someone yells for you to hurry.”

‘I have work soon. I have some bullshit meeting with my manager’

“Rest now. Come I’ll hold you while you rest”

And it’s a warm saftey, you don’t notice how the world has stopped, time is frozen, you can’t feel your body anymore, but had you ever really felt your body.

You rest against his shoulder, he smells like something spiced and smoky, warm tea or maybe it’s just the air around you, like the warm feeling of falling asleep, it’s only a sharp pain in your neck before you start to see the world blur, your body is cold, but it’s comfortable

And then it’s dark, nothing, maybe it’s the afterlife, maybe it’s a dream. You didn’t know what it felt like when your heart stopped. But you know they found your body at some point, people came to your funeral, money was sent to your family for it, from some company or charity….

He was the quiet you needed and wanted.

[untitledmemes]

Hazbin Hotel Prompts

Part III An assortment of prompts taken from the series Hazbin Hotel on Amazon Prime. Adjust as necessary to fit pronoun and/or descriptor. In case of Multimuse, don't forget to specify which one/s. Reblog, please do not repost or add.

“ I know you don't want to, but we need every advantage we can get. ”

“ You got daddy issues? ”

“ I'd like to meet the big dick incharge. ”

“ Who am I kidding? This sucks! ”

“ Where are you these days? ”

“ You know I haven't been watching much TV lately. Scrambles the brain. ”

“ Anything in my power is yours for the asking. ”

“ Wait. You're inviting me over? ”

“ It's showtime! ”

“ Look how much you haven't grown! Still fun sized. ”

“ It's nice to finally put a face to the name. ”

“ You are much shorter in real life. ”

“ You like girls? So do I! We have so much in common! ”

“ Who needs a busboy now that you've got the chef? ”

“ I'll rig the game for you because I'm the ref. ”

“ I'm truly honored that we built such a bond. ”

“ It's a little funny, you can almost call me dad. ”

“ They say when you're looking for assistance, it's smart to pick the path of least resistance. ”

“ Sadly there are times when a birth parent is a dud. ”

“ I know you were all waiting for me! ”

“ Why is everybody gawking? Is it cuz I'm adorable? ”

“ Hey, watch it, tall dark and creepy. ”

“ You gotta warn a girl when she's in mixed company. ”

“ Where can a girl get a drink around here? ”

“ Don't tell me you're not happy to see me. You might hurt my feelings. ”

“ All you could hear was screams. ”

“ Underneath it all, he's a total sweetie. ”

“ Who in their right mind would cross me? ”

“ Big talk for someone who's also on a leash. ”

“ These are our people. I have to try. ”

“ You build something nice, you invite people in and offer them everything, and they just bring violence and chaos to your doorstep. ”

“ It doesn't matter how well intentioned you are, they're always going to disappoint you. ”

“ It's time I remind everyone why I am here. ”

“ You don't actually give a shit about this tacky place, do ya? ”

“ They didn't listen to me, they wouldn't listen to you. ”

“ I won't lose it all again. ”

“ I'll shelter and adore you more than anything. ”

“ It's the view I had of you that showed me dreams can be worth fighting for. ”

“ Looks like the apple doesn't fall far. ”

“ Whatever could be the problem, my dear? ”

“ I wish I could come, sweetie, but I have that thing... ”

“ You been texting me depressing shit all day, figured we could tear shit up like old times. ”

“ Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis. Have you come to meet your fate in battle? ”

“ Are you sure you're in the right place? Because I think you might be a little lost. ”

“ I'm sorry you can't stay. ”

“ I'm handling this shit right now. ”

“ Don't fucking shush me, bitch. ”

“ I want you to do whatever you need to do to keep this problem from getting worse. ”

“ You sure fucked up, didn't you? ”

“ If you have actual evidence, then show it already. ”

“ Take one of these and you won't be worrying about nothing. ”

“ I just thought you were better than that. ”

“ I think you're done, tiny. ”

“ I was thinking maybe, um, you'd wanna do... a sex with me? ”

“ I just want a taste. ”

“ I may have to put up with your bullshit, but you ain't fucking with any of my friends. ”

“ It's not as simple as you think. Not everything is spelled in ink. ”

“ Guess the cat's out of the bag. ”

“ I wanted to save you the anguish it takes to do what was required. ”

“ If hell is forever, then heaven must be a lie. ”

“ Don't you act all high and mighty. ”

“ How can I bring joy when I now know we are bringing misery to thousands of innocent people? ”

“ I couldn't bear to see you suffer that fate. ”