#They're suppose to be in a car and maybe she wants to order. They originally weren't suppose to be in a car but here we are.

[screwpinecaprice]

Another random pencil sketchdump while I wait for my laptop to charge.

Oval-shaped faces are personally tricky to do digitally compared on paper. And guess who has an oval-shaped face??

On the third pic's bottom left, I tested giving Connie a little heart-shape to see how it looks because heart-shapes are relatively the easiest to me digitally; maybe I can cheat a bit there, you know? (And it works great for others.) And to be honest.. I'm really not sure about it. :/ I definitely like the one on the right more. But how the heck is it so hard to do on the tabbbbb?

Oh! Also skitched @pogostikk's short-haired Connie and clown boi Steven. I love them. 🥺💕

[velvetvexations]

It seems appealing, but until I was gifted a Steamdeck recently I couldn't play it and it's still quite expensive. Generally though I do prefer FPSs.

lmao right

1) A few people get called out for genuinely, undeniably heinous behavior, with receipts showing exactly what they're purported to show, loud and clear. Maybe they molested kids, maybe they started a cult, maybe it turned out that all their social justice talk was a smokescreen for hate recruiting, maybe they'd been catfishing for clout and profit, maybe they'd been trawling the site the callout is on for people to scam and abuse, maybe it's even more than one of the above. Whatever it is, it's unequivocally bad and SOMETHING has to be done and the systems at hand have sweet fuckall TO do about it, so a warning to the community it is! 1.5) People are primed to believe, when they see a callout post, that yes, what this person did was AWFUL. 2) People seeing that this works - and often genuinely but incorrectly believing that they have another equally bad case on their hands - start posting callouts about shit like friend drama (that wasn't a fight, it was ABUSE) or media taste (I heard he watched Dragon Maid, PEDO ALERT!!!) or consensual kinks (can you BELIEVE she misgendered another girl who asked her to??? Disgusting!). Most but not all of these target marginalized people, because of course it's easier to make a mountain of a molehill when people have a preexisting bias to believe it's a mountain (though contrary to popular current belief, it's usually not one specific group in particular). 3) People start fighting over the utility of callouts - some people believe these bits of nonevidence are TOTALLY proof of wrongdoing, others start to get alarm fatigued because surprise surprise, it's WAY harder to find people who are actually stealing and selling human bones, or lying about being HIV+ sex trafficking survivors for discourse cred, or starting entire cult houses, than it is to find...people who aren't perfect friends 100% of the time, or who like media that squicks you out; a few people still manage to fall somewhere in between. 4) Callouts fall off in frequency until someone does something SO heinous as to return us to step 1. I feel like we're kinda between steps 3 and 4 here, as a site at large - which, ironically, makes me all that much more suspicious when someone highlights a specific group as being the ONLY one targeted and harmed by fake callouts.

Eyyup.

Also, even callout posts that have legitimate grievances tend to do the Wendigoon thing where it's frontloaded with ridiculous bullshit before it gets to "also, this person murdered twelve women from 1999 to 2004." Like, why did I hear about how Vivziepop using voodoo aesthetic risked her staff being haunted to death by spirits before I heard she thinks non-binary people are faking being trans for attention?

I went into a restaurant to order some takeout while Original Mall Anon waited in the car, and when I went to get our sodas, there were these three preppy girls just...congregating there, taking up the space long after they'd finished getting their own, blocking anyone else from getting their drinks without asking them to move and, I shit you not, talking about buying shit from Hollister. Half of me, in the present, was like "okay. They're younger than me. I shouldn't be MEAN. This is a minor rudeness, I don't need to make a whole Thing of it." Half of me was violently removed from my body and de-aged to 15 because what the fuck, I was standing there, dark clothes, dyed hair, Hot Topic bag in hand, being treated like an annoying nonentity by a bunch of preppy girls who were acting like they fuckin owned the place, that was something I thought wasn't supposed to HAPPEN outside of high school and yet here I was, uh, catching up on missed experiences to a level I REALLY didn't expect to happen at a Wingstop.

God how I want some Wingstop. I love every part of this, anon. Perhaps your mall is truly unteathered from time and space.

It's completely mindless harassment without any real point and if they show up on one of your posts you should report them.

Hell yes.

Well, that's fucking stupid.

[sodiumlamp]

Picard

I'm gonna try to knock out three episodes tonight, so let's do this. Come on, you tea-swilling, erotic cake baking bastard, let's go.

Uh... most of this episode was the major characters all milling around at a party. Adam Soong shows up and tries to get Picard thrown out by security? I think? But Jurati turns out the lights and sings "Shadows of the Night" to create a diversion. This gives Picard time to give a pep talk to his ancestor, who has to go on an historic spaceflight or humanity will descend into fascism. Wait, this is just "First Contact" again, isn't it?

You'd think the Borg Queen would point that out. "Hey, Locutus, remember the last time we were in the 21st century and I pulled this trick? Fun times!" Oh, shit, Q got Adam Soong to turn heel, just like how the Borg Queen seduced Data to turn against Picard in "First Contact!" It's all coming together... into a big dumb mess.

It's always spaceflights in this show. If I remember right, the original time travel episode of Star Trek saw them accidentally capture a pilot, and they were reluctant to send him back, except one of his descendants was fated to be on this historic spaceflight, so they had to return the pilot to his rightful place or they'd all be screwed. In "First Contact" it was Zefram Cochrane's first warp-drive flight, and now it's Renee Picard's Europa mission. Call me cyncical, but I have a hard time believing that the only thing keeping humanity on the straight and narrow is a long string of manned spaceflights, and if any of them go awry, we turn into fascists or Borg drones or zombies or whatever else.

Anyway, Adam Soong desperately needs to stop Renee Picard in order to get the cure he needs for his daughter, so when his first plan fails, he tries to run over Renee with his car, but Jean-Luc gets hit instead. You'd think this would kill our hero, but instead he's basically fine? They take him to that clinic doctor Rios met, and she's worried about his heart, but that's basically it?

Speaking of hearts, is Picard's heart still artificial? He got the new "synth" body in Season 1, but with no augmentations, but does that mean he got a new heart, or did they go out of their way to put the artificial one in? I ask because the doctor use the defibrilator on Picard, and then all this lightning shot out of him, and that sounds more like something the artificial heart would do. I mean, maybe the synth body has all sorts of weird properties, but the whole point was it was supposed to be virtually indistinguishable from the real thing.

Really, I never understood why Picard had an artificial heart in the first place, since a lot of Star Trek shows have established that they can just grow new body parts for people. Maybe Picard just didn't want to go under the knife again to get an upgrade.

Anyway, Soong. Yeah, so he goes home all distaught because he's failed, and his daughter snoops through his records because she doesn't know what he's talking about, and that's when she learns that Soong has had a whole bunch of other daughters who all look like her, and she's the last in the series. I wanted to say they're all clones, but you never know with this show. This might tie Adam Soong into the Eugenics Wars? Maybe that's why Q sought him out. If he really wanted to throw a wrench in Picard's plan, then why not use another historical figure to target the first one? Picard can't kill Soong to save Renee, because then he'd just be replacing one damaged future for another.

So Picard's in a coma, and no one knows what the hell that means, so the Watcher, who looks like Laris, but isn't, so I just call her Gary Eight, she's gonna use her sonic screwdriver and mind meld with Picard to figure out what phychological thing is preventing him from waking up.

I don't get any of this. The dude got hit by a car. He's ninety-four years old. They took him to the clinic, so all he got was some 21st century medicine, a zap with a defibrilator, and now he's basically fine, except for a coma that he ought to be able to wake up from, except he's processing some sort of trauma. And this would be fine in the usual Star Trek settings, where characters get injured by aliens or whatever and sustain fictional injuries that lead to unlikely situations like this.

But here, it's just and old man getting hit by a car. They should be worried about broken bones and internal bleeding. They didn't use any 25th century tech to heal him. I'm pretty sure they don't have any, which is why Elnor died a few episodes back. If Picard's synth body was extra durable, I could buy it, but it's not. They went out of their way to tell us that it's got no special augmentations. If Soji got hit by a car in 2024, all of this would make sense, but it's Picard, not Soji, so it's fucking stupid.

But now we're going to have not!Laris go inside Picard's head to see whatever's been bugging him about his mom this whole season. I'm not looking forward to this. Either Picard's dad beat her, or she had some sort of space madness, or some maniac broke in one night and ripped out her eyeball, but it's got to be something really upsetting and tone deaf for Star Trek.

The thing is, they sort of have to do this bit now, because... I think the mission is over? They had to make sure Renee went on the spaceflight, which meant keeping her from quitting before she went into pre-flight quarantine. But that's happened now, so she's basically locked in. The gang are still worried Q might continue to interfere, except they don't know he lost his powers, so Adam Soong was his last effort, and that failed.

So all they really need to do is get everyone back on their ship and go home, right? Jurati's running loose with the Borg Queen in her, but who gives a shit, really? They both want to get back to their own time, so they'll probably get Picard on his feet, go back to the ship, and find her waiting for them, ready to go.

Wait, how do they get back? The ship's in France, and they're in LA, and no one's at the ship to run the transporter. If it was working right, they could probably do some automatic recall thing, but it's been on the fritz this whole time, so that's probably going to be a thing.

So yeah, one episode for Picard's personal demons, one episode of Jurati making goofy faces at the Borg Queen, and then the season finale, where they go back home and Q reveals he's dying of 5-D cancer or something. He wanted one last game with Picard before saying goodbye... (sniff) ... for the last time.

[vivacoded]

October 2, 2023

Current Mood: fine, a little anxious

Day Rating: 5/10

Another day doing online college... Or so I thought. That makes it sound like I spent the day on some thrilling adventure, but really I just didn't have any work to do. I had the whole house to myself like I usually do on weekdays, so I spent today just lounging around at my kitchen table with my dog.

I feel bad for her though lmao. The kitchen window was open so we could hear all the birds tweeting outside, but I had a song stuck in my head. The Song with Five Names, a​.​k​.​a. Soapbox Tao, a​.​k​.​a. Checkmate Atheists! a​.​k​.​a. Neospace Government, a​.​k​.​a. You Can Never Know by Will Wood to be exact. Say that 10 times fast. See, when I have a song stuck in my head, I can't just listen to it once. Not twice. Not even three times. I have to listen to it over and over and over and overandoverandoverandoverandover again on repeat until I'm satisfied. I think that's a form of stimming. Lately I've been having one Will Wood song stuck in my head per day. I wouldn't be surprised if he's the only artist that shows up in my Spotify Wrapped. Anyways, back to my dog, poor girl just wanted to rest her old bones and take a nap, but here I am blasting some evil jazz on repeat because I can't function otherwise. Or maybe she's used to it by now :P

Later today, after dinner to be exact, my mom took me out driving again. I've only ever driven in parking lots, so she wanted me to get at least some experience on the road before I meet with my instructor on Wednesday (which, by the way, I found out there's no female instructors at that school. Being in a car with some random man? Yuck!) The original plan was just to drive around the block, but I eventually wanted to practice some more since I felt like I was getting the hang of things.

I drove around the whole town for a while, which wasn't really a lot since I live in a small town, and I eventually got the courage to drive on a real road. I didn't drive on the real road too much, to be fair, but it was still my first time actually being on one. It was a little scary, but there weren't many cars out this evening. The most aggravating part was waiting for cars to pass so I could actually turn onto the road.

Tomorrow, my mom wants me to take on more populated roads. Nothing big, just in the next town over. She specifically wants me to go to this store, and it makes me wonder if it's just an excuse to take her out shopping lmao.

Oh! I drove by some houses in my town that are already decorated for Halloween. There was one house in the very back road that did an excellent job utilizing the small yard they had to strategically place props. There didn't seem to be any specific theme, but I'm not complaining. All the stuff they had put out there was awesome. I'm going to go window shopping for Halloween props and decorations later this month, so maybe I can find where those people got their stuff from. People always hype up Spirit Halloween, but other stores like Party City and Home Depot have really cool things too. Sometimes they're even better!

I hope when I'm living on my own, I'll be able to make enough money where I can buy cool Halloween props too. Hell, I'd keep a couple in my house all year long if they fit my decorations. Man, if I had money, I'd be so cool. I hate that I need money in order to express myself and be happy, but I also want money so bad. The world is tough like that, I suppose.

Another diary entry where I rambled a lot about an uneventful day. I wonder what will happen when I have an eventful day. I might end up writing a novel lmao. Not that it matters. This is my corner of the internet. It's possible that no one will even read these entries anyways. Just me and my own thoughts. Marking my existence on the internet so I won't be forgotten.

[crisp-sweet-pink-lady]

Summer of Strawberry Shortcake: Growing Up Dreams

I've never actually watched this one before, since by the time it was released, Berry Bitty Adventures was already well underway, as shown by the fact that the BBA theme plays over the menu screen and there are not one, not two, but three trailers for BBA DVDs. This DVD didn't come out until 2011, but it was apparently ready to go in 2010, since the files for the coloring pages included are dated to October 26, 2010. (Never mind the fact that all the season four episodes are copyright 2007.)

Despite watching brand new (to me) SSC03 content ten years after it was released and fifteen after it was meant to be seen, I can't say it feels any different than rewatching the episodes I've already seen, though I will admit, I was not expecting aliens in SSC, even if they did turn out to be just a part of Ginger Snap's dream. Although, the fact that the whole space adventure was revealed to be a dream says a lot about how Ginger Snap sees her friends, Peppermint Fizz in particular.

The space adventure is also the first episode since season two to remember that Angel Cake's thing was supposed to be art, though like the other girls, what she says she wants to be in one episode is different from the next one.

Once again I am pondering the question of how old these kids are supposed to be in season four, since they repeatedly bring up that they're still kids and make it seem like having a real job is something that's still far away, even though Strawberry drove a car in the previous DVD and Banana Candy was basically running that town (and in the next DVD Strawberry and Angel Cake get jobs at a ranch). I feel like these episodes would have been better set during seasons 2 or 3, before the characters were redesigned. Peppermint Fizz even seems more like her season 2 self in both episodes, and I can definitely see season 2 her wanting to be the mayor so she can boss the other kids around. Kind of makes me wonder if these eps had originally been planned for season 3, since it is a little shorter than the others, and season 4 is a smidge longer. Hm....

That said, this wouldn't have been a bad DVD to start off season 4, since the connecting segments are all about Strawberry telling Custard and Pupcake how they're all growing up and changing. It would be a nice way to explain the new character designs, y'know? Even the previous DVD would have worked, since the connecting segments started off with Strawberry noticing migrating birds and Custard complaining about things changing, which she also does here.

This DVD, when placed in the proper order, marks the first appearance of SSC03 Plum Puddin', though she'll have a bigger role in the next episode. I was pleased to see Lemon Meringue and Raspberry Torte get to be part of the imagine spots in the song The Thing You Wanna Be, since neither of them got to be part of the aged-up redesign, so this way they at least got new looks at least once. From what I recall, these two are mostly relegated to background cameos this season, but there's one more DVD I haven't seen, so maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.

[xxkellsvixen19xx]

Spotlight: A Life Of A Troubled Celebrity Heartthrob Ch 9

Spotlight: A Life Of A Troubled Celebrity Heartthrob Chapter 9

Word Count: 3,432

We're going to skip the formalities Ashleigh," Colson strolled into the study and pushed Ashleigh's chair back, "Why did you you do it??"

"Colson I-" Ashleigh looked at him, frightened, "Slim said if I didn't do it then-it would have been me instead," she hung her head in shame.

"Hmm.." Colson held his chin and pretended to be in deep thought, "so you gave up Y/N instead..makes sense I guess," he shrugged.

"What?!" her head snapped up.

"Slim is a crackhead and is blazed half the time..what's your excuse for taking part in this Ashleigh," his eyes were fire and ice all at once.

"He threatened me-" she cried out.

"But you made conscious decision to help him f*ck my wife didn't you?!" Colson shot back, "you even spiked her drink with a double dose of the drug!" He shouted, "why did you do that? Huh?!"

"I was scared!" she said as the tears pooled her eyes,

"Ahhh..I see.." Colson stood up, " are you scared Ash?" Colson got up stared directly into her eyes.

"Y-e-ss.." she gulped and looked at the bodyguards that towered behind Colson.

"Good," Colson said with satisfaction, "it's good that you're afraid," he paced around her chair, "At least I've got the decency to plan this thing in front of you; and not behind your back like what you did to someone that considered you a friend," he stopped in front of her, "Now I'm going to get one of these guys to lock you in a tiny bathroom and have his way with you? How about that? Sound familiar?"

"Don't! Please! I'll do anything!" she fell at Colson's feet and grovelled.

"Guys can I have a volunteer to take this lovely lady into the restroom and do what ever you feel like with her? Actually I want you to go as far as Slim did with my wife..or further maybe? Rog? Andre? You're game?" Colson asked.

"Let me at her Col. I think I will do a good job than Rog over here," Andre motioned with his head.

"No, no, no. Please allow me Col? I will do a better job than Slim," Rog said smugly.

"Okay Rog you're our guy!" Colson patted Rog on the back, "don't worry Ashleigh I'll just turn a blind eye like you did and I hope, for your sake, there's someone that cares enough to come and knock the door down-like I did," Colson stepped away from her, "Hey don't forget to rough her up and spike her drink before-just like Slim did to my wife."

"Waaiiitt! Don't leave me! I'm sorry! Please! Slim made me do it-he-he threatened me," Ashleigh wailed.

"Why didn't you come to me?! You had a choice and you did the wrong thing Ashleigh! That makes you as bad as Slim!" Colson yelled at her, his blue eyes blazing. "By the way-enjoy your stay in prison," he informed her before he left the room.

"Take her away Rog and don't come out until she passes out just like Y/N," Jax looked down at her with disgust.

"Jax! Please don't do this!" she pleaded but Jax was having none of it.

"You saw it fit to do it to Y/N so why should I feel sorry for you? Take her away," Jax said.

"Noooo! Please!" Ashleigh screamed as Rog threw her over his shoulder; to carry out orders.

"How far do you want to take this Colson?" Jax asked as they walked to the car.

"As far as Slim took liberties on my wife," Colson replied tersely, "I want her to experience everything that Y/N went through. She should have a play by play version and we'll see how she feels being in the same shoes."

"So they're not going to actually...?" Jax raised his eyebrow.

"No! I gave them strict instructions not to take it that far," he reiterated.

"Okay," Jax opened the door for Colson and he jumped in.

"Please take me to the hospital? I need to check on Y/N before I lose my mind," Colson sighed heavily, "the doctor has assured me that he didn't..get very far."

"What a relief!" Jax sagged on the driver's seat.

"If he had-I was going to kill him with my bare hands," Colson clenched his fist.

"Not if I got to him first-with a bullet straight through his head," Jax said with conviction.

"I think we need to leave this place. Just me and Y/N," Colson said, "please make the arrangements?"

"Where are we going to this time?" Jax questioned, knowing he was part of the plan.

"Jamaica," Colson replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Good morning baby," Colson sat on the hospital bed and held Y/N's hand. Her eyes fluttered open and she groaned.

"You told him," she snatched her hand out of his grasp and turned aside.

"What?!" Colson asked, confused.

"I told you something in confidence," she cleared her throat, "and you told Slim so he could use it against me," she sniffled.

"Sweets.." Colson jumped onto the bed and lay in front of her, "look at me? Please?" he held her face tenderly.

"I honestly have no idea what you're going on about" his blonde hair flopped over his eyes and he tossed it back, "can you at least fill in the blanks so that we can be on the same page?" he stared at her intently.

"He knew," she whispered, "he knew about Bobby," she dropped her gaze.

"Who's Bobby baby?" Colson asked gently.

"My ex," she gulped as she twisted her hands nervously.

"I didn't tell him anything about it sweets. I swear. Maybe he overheard me talking to Jax the other day..I wanted him to help find him so you wouldn't have to worry about him coming back-I didn't want it hanging over your head," Colson explained "plus you never really told me his name.."

"Oh," her eyes focused on chest.

"You like my t-shirt?" Colson joked.

"I've always found plain white t-shirts fascinating," she rolled her eyes.

"This isn't just any white t-shirt babe-it's an original Levi," Colson held out the hem of the t-shirt and grinned.

"I'm sorry for spoiling your night," Y/N apologized.

"Hey..don't do that," Colson held her chin up and gazed into her e/c orbs, "I should be the one apologizing actually. I was supposed to protect you but-"

"Can we not talk about this?" she frowned and looked away.

"Sure," there was an awkward silence. "I'll go and check with the doctor if he's done with your discharge papers," Colson hopped of the bed and left the room.

Y/N looked up the ceiling and sighed heavily. How did she end up in this situation for a second time? If Colson hadn't kicked down the door when he did then-she didn't even want to think about it. She would rather keep it buried in her emotional archives.

"Good morning!" Jax stood at the door with his hands in his pockets, "is there room for one more?" he smiled.

"Jax!" Y/N gave him a genuine smile, "come in!" Jax got to her in two strides and engulfed her in a bear hug.

"You okay kid?" he leaned back and examined her.

"Yeah," she grinned.

"Good. The doctor has given you the green light, you can go home" he nodded with satisfaction, "did your husband tell you that we're going on honeymoon?"

"No Jax," Colson cut in, "but you might as well tell her."

"Tell me what?" Y/N asked.

"We're going to the Caribbean baby," Jax smiled.

"What?! Really babe??" Y/N gushed and Colson nodded with a smile.

"Let's get out of here I need to pack."

***********************************

It was a beautiful day; the birds were singing, the sun was shining and all was alright in the world. For now at least.

Colson woke up early and went to take his usual swim. The beach was deserted as he walked towards the water, in his shorts and his towel slung over his shoulder. He loved to take an early morning swim as part of his workout routine because it helped him to think; and he had a lot of thinking to do this morning.

At the end of this week they were going back to reality and he wasn't sure if he was ready for that. The press that constantly stalked him and pried into his private life unashamedly, his fake friends, the pressure of staying at the top and last but not least his dear mother in law. Mrs Y/M/F/N L/N had called him, breathing fire and threatening to castrate him as soon as his jet touched the ground of Cleveland. He would definitely chose dealing with the press over that any day.

While he understood that she had genuine concerns, Y/N was a grown woman and the only thing that mattered to him. The way he felt about her frightened him. After Dani he had promised to never fall in love again. Love was complicated, it was too intense and it made you vulnerable; but worst of all you could risk getting your heart broken. He had loved Dani more than was humanely possible-he could have done anything for her and he did, but after she slept with his best friend she did irreparable damage to his heart. He couldn't risk it again-and yet he found himself totally consumed by Y/N Y/L/N.

Her eyes captivated him and sent his heart spiraling to the ends of the unknown. When she laughed or smiled at him he felt like he could take on the world. Making love to her was an indescribable feeling..he couldn't put it into words even if he tried. She was always on his mind and he just wanted to be with her all the time. He was selfish when it came to her-he didn't want anyone else around when they were together; he wanted all her attention; all of her.

Colson swam back to the shore, his body was exhausted. He bent over and held onto his knees, trying to catch his breath.

"Smile," Y/N said and as he looked up startled she took a pic with her iPhone.

"Hey sweets," his face broke into a smile and his heart skipped a beat.

"I could wake up to this every morning..some girls have all the luck," she sighed and took a few more pics of Colson in his swimming trunks, water dripping from his gorgeous body.

"You know what Bambi..I think you need to be in the pic as well-"Colson lunged at her and grabbed her, making her wet. She was dressed in a short floral caftan dress which did nothing to protect her.

"Baker!" she squealed, "you're making me wet!"

"Just what I love to hear sweets," he crushed her against his solid chest and their lips merged, melting into each other. He wove his fingers into her silky soft hair and she in turn slid her fingers into his wet hair.

Jax stood behind them clearing his throat and got their attention.

"Just on time Jax-please take a video and post it on Instagram asap okay?" Colson handed the phone to him.

"A video??," Y/N asked. Before she got a response Colson swooped her off her feet and threw over his shoulder. He ran back into the water amidst Y/N's screams and protests.

She landed in the water with a splash and Colson laughed at her as she spluttered in the water.

"Baker you are dead!!" she jumped onto his back and they both keeled over back into the water. Y/N tried to escape but he caught her foot and dragged her back in. They continued a full out make out session and would have taken it further if Jax hadn't reminded them that they were in a public area.

"That's enough you two!" Jax yelled, "breakfast is served, let's go."

"Let's get changed first. Come one," Colson put his arm around her shoulder as they walked back to the villa. They had a quick shower and dressed up before going for breakfast.

"Can't we go out somewhere for breakfast?" Y/N suggested, "We're in the Caribbean so we might as well take advantage of it."

"As mi 'lady wishes," Colson bowed.

"Baker!" Y/N swatted his arm.

"But I went all out and made breakfast for you two?" Jax grumbled.

"Sorry Jax. Guess we will have to stay and eat," Y/N said.

"Killjoy," Colson muttered under his breath.

"Don't worry babe, we can explore after breakfast," Y/N squeezed his arm.

"Ooh, I like the sound of that.." Colson murmured and leaned in to kiss her.

"Can we eat now?" Jax complained.

"I would rather eat what I'm looking at right now.." Colson continued to suck on Y/N's lips and she giggled.

"Gosh! I think I'm going to throw up," Jax rolled his eyes, "I'm going to eat at my villa. I'll leave you kids to it." He threw his napkin on the table and stood up.

"Hey Jax," Colson said, "You're officially off duty. We'll call you when we need you."

"Thank you!" Jax said with a sigh of relief, "at least I won't have to witness you two sucking face any longer."

"Makes two of us," Colson replied. They laughed as they watched him leave.

"You're not a nice person Baker," Y/N said as she nibbled on a piece of bacon.

"I know but I'm still yours," he tucked a lose strand of hair behind her ear.

"Are you really?" she asked with uncertainty.

"Sweets-let's not do this? Please?" he raked his hair.

"So nothing has changed," she nodded and her gaze as she twisted her fingers nervously.

"I'm going for a walk!" Colson pushed back his chair and it screeched as he stood up.

"Fine!" Y/N shouted at his retreating back.

Y/N thought that things had changed. That somehow his feelings had changed and he was finally ready to admit that he loved her, that this was more than a casual fling, that they had passed the stage of testing the waters. She had hoped they had established their relationship on a solid foundation but his outburst had proved that they were still on ground zero.

Two steps forward. Two steps back.

**********************************

Y/N spent the day watching Netflix in the guest room at the villa. She had ordered room service because she didn't feel like cooking. She didn't feel like doing anything but wallowing in self-pity. Colson hadn't shown up for lunch or dinner and Y/N went into further depression. There was a fully stocked bar so she decided to take full advantage of it and drowned her sorrows.

She heard loud music coming from outside so she got dressed in her best outfit and headed out. There was no way she was going to sit at home while Colson was probably out there having a good time. She stumbled into a local club that seemed to be happening tonight and made a beeline to the bar.

"Can I have a cosmo?" she asked the barman and he nodded. She sipped on it slowly and watched the revelers grinding on each other; having a good time.

"Care to dance?" Colson came from behind and whispered in her ear.

"Get lost Baker," she retorted without swinging around.

"Look sweets, I'm sorry for walking out on you," he turned her around and he took her hands, "I shouldn't have done that-please forgive me?" he pouted.

"We can't make progress if that's what you going to do every time we have a fight," she said, "where have you been all day anyway?"

"I went scuba diving and surfing with Jax," he replied. "Can we just be Colson and Y/N tonight? For the rest of the week maybe?" he caressed her cheek with the back of his hand, "No fighting, no arguing-no nothing-good vibes only. Just me and you enjoying each other's company? Can we do that baby?" he implored.

"Okay Baker. I'm sold," Y/N rolled her eyes and picked up her drink.

"I know we need to do grown up talk soon but can it be when we get back home?" he asked, "for now I just want to enjoy my honeymoon with my beautiful and sexy wife," he took her drink and gulped half of it down.

"Hey! Get your own," she slapped his arm. He ordered another round for them and then a couple of more. She was feeling light headed and her face was tingling. The alcohol had clearly kicked in and she could feel it.

"Let's go dance!" Colson pulled her to the dance floor.

"I don't even know how to dance to this music!" she shouted into his ear. She looked around her and all she could see was people gyrating on each other. If they didn't have any clothes on it would have been x-rated.

"There's nothing to it sweets. Just follow my lead," Colson started grinding against her and she followed suit.

They got lost in the moment as their bodies intertwined as they moved to the rhythm of the music. He turned her around and fitted her back into the contour of his body, his hands slowly gliding down her thighs. She weaved her hands in his hair and pressed her backside into him and he groaned into her ear.

"You're killing me Bambi," his lust filled voice whispered into her ear, sending chills down her spine. He gripped her hips tightly and sucked her earlobe and she gasped.

"I learnt from the best," she said breathlessly, as she continued to grind against him.

"Bathroom-now!" he growled.

"What?!" her eyeballs almost popped out. This was so hot but she had to be the voice of reason here. He grabbed her hand and led her to the ladies restrooms, "Colson-you can't be serious?!

"This is Jamaica sweets. We can't come here and not have hot, spontaneous sex in the bathroom," he slammed the door shut and made sure it was locked.

"What if we get caught?" she asked breathlessly, as he planted hot kisses on her neck.

"Too bad-they will just have to hear you screaming my name," he said in a husky voice, before he pushed her against the door and took her right there and then.

Welcome to Jamaica.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rest of the night was a blur and just when Y/N thought she was ready to head home, Colson told her the night was only beginning.

"We've been invited to an after party at Sean Paul's and I have been trying forever to get a collabo with him. This is my chance," Colson said as they jumped into the limo.

"Can you maybe drop me off at home? I'm totally wasted," Y/N groaned and leaned back on the leather seat.

"Not a chance sweets," Colson leaned in and kissed her until she was breathless, "better?" he asked with a smile.

"Hmmm," was all Y/N could day.

"We won't stay long. Promise," he assured her but they both knew it was a lie.

Colson kept her entertained throughout the night and never left her side. They danced, talked, drank and danced some more. Finally she couldn't stand on her feet any more so they went to sit down again. The people at their table were smoking a joint an passing it around and Colson pulled on it a couple of times before passing it to Y/N.

"No way!" she pushed his hand away.

"Don't tell me you've never smoked weed sweets?" he looked genuinely shocked.

"Never..not interested," she slurred, "I don't smoke."

"This is different. Besides-we're in Jamaica sweets. You can't be here and not experience this," he looked at the joint like it was gold, "come on just try it. Just one drag," he coaxed and his new found friends cheered her on.

"Okay, okay" she relented. Against her better judgement she took it and smoked it until she choked on the smoke.

"Yeah!" everyone cheered for her.

"Well done Bambi," Colson chuckled and rubbed her back.

To this day Y/N couldn't remember how she got home that night.

Colson teased her about it the next day. Apparently she danced on the table and almost did a strip show but he had stopped her just in time. He even got a lap dance.

"You're a bad influence Baker," she groaned and went back to sleep.

[watching-pictures-move]

Movie Review | Mulholland Drive (Lynch, 2001)

This review contains spoilers.

David Lynch's Mulholland Drive was released in recent years by the Criterion Collection, that great home video company that's probably the OG of boutique labels, known for putting out acclaimed, significant or otherwise interesting films in really nice packages. (For some reason I had been thinking they put this out only last year until I actually looked it up. I guess my sense of time has been a little warped as of late, and as much as I'd like to tie this review into pandemic-era life, the fact is other labels have captured my attention lately, as can be evidenced by my embarrassingly large and extremely shameful Vinegar Syndrome haul from their Halfway to Black Friday sale from a few months ago.) Now, nobody in 2021 is going into this movie truly blind, but if I happened to pick up the Criterion cover and perused the back, aside from the list of special features and disc specs, you'd see the below (which I grabbed off their website):

Blonde Betty Elms (Naomi Watts) has only just arrived in Hollywood to become a movie star when she meets an enigmatic brunette with amnesia (Laura Harring). Meanwhile, as the two set off to solve the second woman’s identity, filmmaker Adam Kesher (Justin Theroux) runs into ominous trouble while casting his latest project. David Lynch’s seductive and scary vision of Los Angeles’s dream factory is one of the true masterpieces of the new millennium, a tale of love, jealousy, and revenge like no other.

Now, this is a tough movie to evoke with only a blurb, but I'd say that does a pretty respectable job. I however do not own this release. What I do own is the barebones Universal DVD that was released a few months after the movie, back when going into the movie blind would have been far more likely. This is the description on the back:

This sexy thriller has been acclaimed as one of the year's best films. Two beautiful women are caught up in a lethally twisted mystery - and ensnared in an equally dangerous web of erotic passion. "There's nothing like this baby anywhere! This sinful pleasure is a fresh triumph for Lynch, and one of the best films of the year. Visionary daring, swooning eroticism and colors that pop like a whore's lip gloss!" says Rolling Stone's Peter Travers. "See it… then see it again!" (Time Out New York)

Now, the previous description probably couldn't fully capture the movie's essence, but this one makes it sound like an erotic thriller. (Could you imagine somebody going into this thinking this was like a Gregory Dark joint? I say this having seen none of his thrillers and only his hardcore movies, although I must admit an MTV-influenced Mulholland Drive starring, say, Lois Ayres is something I find extremely intriguing.) But you know what? Good for them. Among other things, this movie, with its two all-timer sex scenes, feels like one of the last hurrahs from an era when mainstream American movies could be unabashedly horny, before we were sentenced to an endless barrage of immaculately muscular bodies in spandex (stupid sexy Flanders) somehow drained of all sex appeal (god forbid somebody pop a boner...or ladyboner, let's be egalitarian here). I apologize if I'm coming off as a little gross, but having been able to barely leave the house for practically a year and a half, watching sexy movies like this is one of the few remaining thrills at my disposal. Please, this is all I have.

Now I suppose I should say something about the movie itself, but it might be a challenge given how elusive it is in certain respects (Lynch is notoriously cagey about offering interpretations of his movies) and, as a result, how heavily it's been scrutinized over the years. No doubt any analysis I offer as to the movie's overarching meaning will come off extremely dumbassed. What I will note however, is that for whatever reason, the scene I remembered most vividly is where Justin Theroux walks in on his wife with Billy Ray Cyrus, particularly the candy pink paint he dumps on her jewellery as revenge. We've been following Theroux, a movie director, as he's been having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, having had control over casting his lead actress taken from him, which he proceeds to process by taking a golf club to a windshield of his producers' car and then reacting as above when he finds his wife with the singer of "Achy Breaky Heart".

With his Dune having been notoriously tampered with by producers, I suspect there's a bit of Lynch's own experience in the scene with the producers, which plays like an entirely arbitrary set of rituals deciding the fate of his movie with no regard for his opinion or even basic logic. While I don't know how particular Dino DeLaurentiis was about his espresso, I did laugh. Now, taking the reading that the first two acts of the movie are a fantasy of Naomi Watts' character, who is revealed to be miserable and ridden with jealousy in the third act, the amount of time we spend with Theroux is maybe hard to justify. Is this perhaps her "revenge" on him, his romantic and professional success having been flushed away while he flounders in search of greater meaning to his arc? Aside from possible autobiographical interest, these scenes do play like a riff on the idea that everyone is the main character in their own story, and if the Watts and Laura Harring characters can be thought of as having merged or swap identities, then perhaps Theroux's arc is the remainder of that quotient. (Now, it's worth noting that aside from being insecure and arrogant, Theroux in this movie is a less stylish than the real Lynch. If Watts conjures the best version of herself in her dream, Lynch maybe doesn't want his dream avatar outshining him.)

Now why did the Cyrus scene stick with me all these years when other details had slipped? Mostly because I'd found it amusing, partly because of the extra specific image Lynch produces, and somewhat because of the casting of Billy Ray Cyrus. Now, I don't have any special relationship to the Cyrus' body of work, but Lynch's casting of him, with his distinct mix of bozo, dudebro and hunk, results in a very specific comedic effect. This is something Lynch does elsewhere in the movie, like when he has Robert Forster show up as a detective for a single scene. The Forster role is likely in part a leftover from the movie's origins as a TV pilot, but the effect is similar (albeit less comedic). Melissa George appears as a woman who may or may not be a replacement for Watts in some realm of reality. Other directors obviously cast actors for their screen presence and the audience's relationship to their career, but the way Lynch does it feels particularly pointed, as if he's reshaping them entirely into iconography. The effect is particularly sinister with the presence of Michael J. Anderson, with whom he worked previously on Twin Peaks, and Monty Montgomery as a mysterious cowboy who dangles the secret of the movie over Theroux's character.

Cowboys in movies are frequently heroic presences (see any number of westerns) and are otherwise innocuously stylish (I confess I've come dangerously close to ordering a Stetson hat and a pair of cowboy boots), but the presence of one here feels like a ripple in the movie's reality. A dreamy, brightly lit mystery set in Los Angeles should have no place for a cowboy. It ain't right. (It's worth noting that Lynch at one point copped to admiring Ronald Reagan for reminding him of a cowboy. Is this his expression of a changed opinion? I have no idea, but Lynch has never struck me as all that politically minded.) Neither is the hobo that appears behind the diner. Certainly hobos have made their homes behind diners, but this one's presence and the way Lynch produces him feel again like a ripple in the the movie's narrative. Jump scares are frequently knocked for being lazy and cheap devices to generate shocks, but the one here gets under your skin.

Now about the movie's look. This starts off like a noir, and the mystery plot on paper would lead you to think that's how the whole movie plays, but the cinematography is a lot brighter, with almost confection-like colours, than that would lead you to believe, at least during the daytime scenes. This is another element that likely comes from its TV origins, but it does give the movie a distinctly dreamlike, fantastical quality that a more overtly cinematic look, like the one Lynch used in Lost Highway a few years earlier, might not capture. This is one of the reasons I think this movie works better than that one, and there's also the fact that the amateur sleuthing that drives the bulk of the plot here serves as a more pleasing audience vantage point than the male anxieties that fuel the other film. I also would much rather hang out with Naomi Watts and Laura Harring than a charisma void like Balthazar Getty.

The manufactured warmth of the daytime scenes also results, like in Blue Velvet, in the nighttime scenes feeling like they're in a completely different setting, one which perhaps offers the key to unlocking the mystery, or at least revealing the phoniness of the movie's surfaces. I think of the evocative Club Silencio sequence, which comes as close as anything in the movie to laying its illusions bare. ("No hay banda.") But at times Lynch will throw in disarmingly childlike, inexplicable imagery, like the dancing couples against a purple screen in the opening, something that would seem tacky and amateurish elsewhere but feels oddly cohesive here. There are a number of directors whose work I admire for being "dreamlike", and putting them side by side they all feel quite distinct (you would never mistake a Lucio Fulci film for a Lynch), but they have the unifying idea of imbuing the tactile qualities of film with the truly irrational to really burrow into your subconscious. Other directors have made movies with some of the same elements as Mulholland Drive, but none have put them together in quite the same way.

[tomishaped]

Rating:

Explicit

Archive Warnings:

Graphic Depictions Of Violence • Major Character Death

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Supernatural

Relationship:

Dean Winchester!Izzy Hlton

Characters:

Dean Winchester • Izzy Hilton • Sam Winchester • Asmodeus • Dagon • Demons • Hellhound • Ellen Harvelle • Jo Harvelle • Hunters • Crowley • Charlie Bradbury • Bobby Singer • Ruby • Death • Pestilence • Famine • War • Castiel • Angels • Cain

Additional Tags:

Demon Dean Winchester • Demon Sex • Kidnapping • Gay Sex • Blood • Blood Kink • Hate Sex • Love/Hate • Major Character Injury • Major Original Character(s) • Character Death • Past Child Abuse • Past Rape/Non-con • Past Sexual Abuse • Past Torture • Past Violence • Canon-Typical Violence • Violence • Protective Dean Winchester • Bisexual Dean Winchester • Top Dean Winchester • Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings • Izzy is too • Emotional Hurt/Comfort • Emotional/Psychological Abuse

Summary: After being pulled out of hell Dean realizes quickly that the four months he had been gone made way for a lot of changes in the lives of everyone he knows, including the life he had known for himself before he died. Nobody was treating him the same, and there was seriously something going on with his brother that he could not figure out. He was spending most of his time alone nowadays, not really hunting anymore since Bobby and Sam were against it for him, and spending most of his time drinking instead to try and forget. He was angry, pretty much all the time. That anger really worked in his favour though when walking back to the impala he came across a freaking hoard of demons getting ready to attack some blond chick. He didn't know who she was or what the hell all the demons wanted with her, but there was no way he could just walk away. Maybe if he had any idea what trying to save this person was going to lead too he would have just walked away, maybe if he had actually given any thought to the situation before him he wouldn't have put himself in the middle of it, but even before hell he made impulsive and rash decisions... so maybe not.

Previous Chapters

• Chapter One •

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Chapter Two: Welcome to the Batcave

Part One

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they had reached the car Dean made quick work of the door locks and got them both inside before he punched it, only leaving squealing tires and smoke behind them as they took off. Dean didn’t start to relax till they were a mile or so away from the group of demons, still keeping an eye on the mirrors though just in case. “You really pissed someone off," he said with a grin as he glanced over at the other while he drove.

Izzy did manage to force himself to relax once they were in the car, though Dean still happened to look tense with the way he was looking out his mirrors for someone. Honestly, it probably helped the demon to relax with the fact that Izrael couldn't feel Dagon as close anymore. She was either losing interest or losing track of them for now, either way that worked for him. "Huh?" He was honestly confused at first when Dean said that, "Why would you think I pissed some- oh! Because of all that? Right. Yeah. They don't seem to fond of me, do they? I should probably stop crashing into their parties like that." 

Izrael shifted in the seat a little and rolled his eyes when he saw the man look out his mirrors again, "You can stop doing that now. We're fine, mommy lost us," he said with a shrug, leaning back in the seat again, trying to get comfortable. He was ready to get out of the Winchesters car now, and he would really like to do it without having to kill the hunter next to him in order to keep him from following or trying to track him. Even if he didn't have an issue with killing humans, he didn't know which way Dean's soul would go now and having it back in the pit after he killed him could possibly become… problematic. "So uh, yeah, you can just drop me off whenever now and can go get back too… whatever the hell you were doing before joining me at that lovely party tonight. I'm actually supposed to be at a different party right now anyways, so anywhere is good."

Dean snickered when the other said that they had crashed a few parties, it made sense. He did raise an eyebrow when he was told that the horde had backed off of them. Granted he hadn’t noticed any one but still, he never trusted demons to give up. “To be honest, I was out looking for a good time… guess I found it,” he said with a wicked grin, still feeling a bit of an adrenaline high from the fight and sprint to the car. “Rest of my evening is open if you want some back up,” he offered the blond. “Not saying you can’t handle yourself, I saw your moves back there but… twenty to one is a bit much,”  he said while giving him a bit of a doubtful side look. 

This is what Dean thought of as a good time? The human was either suicidal or crazy. Sure, Izzy did have fun doing shit like this too, but he was a demon- he was fucking crazy. "Mmm, yeah… it was a bit much till you showed up. Definitely would have ended up losing this jacket," Izrael laughed a little at Dean and shook his head, "See, I haven't gone and learned my lesson yet it seems since I'm definitely gonna be crashing one of their parties again. Gotta find it first though, and I can't do that in a strangers car."

Dean raised an eyebrow when the blond mentioned that they weren’t done yet and was looking to start a similar party to where he just found them. Ok sure he had been doing stupid stuff since he got back but he had an excuse. He was trying to repress what felt like forty years of Hell - literal Hell. So what was this kid's excuse? She might be crazy, but her crazy was also kinda hot and hunters like this don’t tend to stick in one place long because of the next big hunt. Besides, too often if they stayed in one place for long then all the enemies they made along the way had a tendency to catch up to them. “I can drop you off wherever your next party is so you don’t get jumped on the way again…” Dean trailed off a little as he drove, “could at least tell me your name before you get yourself killed.”

Izrael smiled at the hunter. "Why would I give someone I've never met in this life my name? Doesn't sound too smart. Besides, I don't see you passing over that information either."

Dean grinned. “Sorry, thought you picked it up before things got hairy. Names Dean, Dean Winchester," he said as he held a hand out to shake as he drove, glancing at the blond but mostly keeping his eyes on the road. “You know demons can’t keep their big mouths shut, if your next party is anything like that one, they’re going to be ready for you and you’re going to lose more than your jacket, sweetheart," he said in a matter of fact tone. “Might be a better idea to show up with back up and armed to the teeth,” he offered with a mischievous grin. “Lucky for you I know the perfect place.”

His excuse? His absolute only memories were of hell. Turning into a demon the way he had had wiped out all his human memories and the little demon only knew the last sixty years he had spent in hell training to do just this. He wasn't trying to repress hell, why repress when it was all he knew? He was just doing what Asmodues sent him off to do, and with the youngest prince of hell being the closest person to the blond and having nothing else to really do… he listened. He enjoyed killing other demons, it was a task he found fun. But when your job is to kill any demon that stands against the man you're working for, you don't exactly make any friends. And being alone only gave him more time to hunt down Asmodues's enemies. It was a vicious never ending cycle that wasn't going to change anytime soon as far as Izrael could tell. Hell either hated him, feared him, or admired him from afar - very afar. No one was brave enough to chance getting on Izzy's bad side. And those that were like the hoard tonight that actually tried to kill him were just too stupid to stay away and deserved to die anyways as far as he was concerned. 

Of course he knew who Dean was once he heard his name. But the hunter didn't need to know that Izrael had heard of him. He eyed the other’s hand for a moment before he sighed and half gave in to the man, though didn't reach his own hand out, "Izzy Hilton," he said, using the name that Asmodues had given him for when he had to pretend to be human. Though he had no idea that it actually was his name. That Asmodues called him Izrael to see if any of the once nineteen year old’s memories would spark with little clues like that. It never did. "They're always on the lookout for me… wouldn't be anything new…" he said with a little shrug, getting the gut feeling that this hunter was not about to let him go off on his own anytime soon. The last thing the little demon needed was to do spend time with a fucking Wincester, especially the one that spent all that time in hell. "No offense, but I don't really work with others. Thanks for the help back there and everything, but you're Dean Winchester… so you and I working together is a bad idea. Trust me."

With both hands back on the wheel, Dean snorted when Izzy said that demons watching out was nothing new. He understood that, that's what made the Bunker so beautiful. It was the definition of a safe house for spooky shit and basically everything else. He sucked some air between his teeth when it seemed the other knew who he was by name, having heard some of the stuff hunters thought of him while he was putting in time at the Roadhouse. “Fair, I mean we did just meet and I also just saved your ass from a fucking gaggle of demons, but okay,” he said, half joking. “We don’t know each other, and inviting you to my secret Men of Letters bunker can seem a little Silence of the Lambs but I promise, imma damn puppy dog compared to your normal party guests,” he said,.  Ane yes, he did just name drop the Men of Letters to see if that helped his case. Dean wasn’t a creep and if Izzy wanted out he’d drop them off wherever they wanted but all horn-dog habits aside, he wouldn’t rest well if he did. He’d probably end up asking around and looking into this pretty Izzy Hilton to see what her story was about. “Again, I know bunker can be off putting, but this place is huge, over twenty bedrooms to pick from. It’s armed to the teeth so nothing is getting in. I have one of the few keys to get in but you can get out whenever you like,” he added, trying to seem a little less kidnappy and rapey. “That and there's a hundred year old whiskey collection.”

Izzy had absolutely zero ideas of what other hunters thought of the man he was currently sitting next too. Up until now, he had done a really good job at avoiding them in his travels and work. Sure, to be on the safe side he did do some research on hunters who seemed to be the biggest threats but until now he hadn't actually met any of them. So, right now he couldn't figure out if it was just bad fucking luck that Dean Winchester happened to walk in on his ambush, or some weird good luck to get him out of it unharmed. Even after over fifty years as a demon, almost sixty now maybe? He honestly had never actually hurt a human. So did he deserve this kind of bad luck? On the other hand though, can demons actually have good luck? It was really confusing. 

Fact was, Izzy only knew of Dean Winchester from the mouths of other demons. His research on hunters in general was by word of mouth in hell. It wasn't like there were any books he could read on them. So he knew the man was obviously a good hunter, and not just when it came to demons. He knew the idiot sold his soul to save that dumbass brother of his that was hanging around one of the main demons on his own hit list. It was just really hard to get to the bitch when she was being protected by the hunter drinking demon blood. He only knew that from actually running across her once, he could fucking smell the demon blood radiating from the human she was with and it didn't take long to figure out who that human was and what fucking Ruby was doing with him. Little Sammy Winchester. Lovely. He also knew the man next to him spent what was like forty years in hell, being tortured for most of them by fucking Alastair. It had come as a surprise when he heard that there was some sort of angel watching out for him. Well, the angel part wasn't really known when he figured it out. It was just known that the man was pulled out of hell and Izrael knew that an Angel was the only way the man could have escaped hell and returned to his body the way he had. And really, he would prefer to avoid angels. Most demons weren't really that much of a threat to him. They could likely hurt him but Izzy was not easy to actually kill. Not that they had quite figured that out yet. But he had no idea what an angel might be able to do to him. 

Izrael couldn't remember his own torture. He actually had no idea it even happened. Ever since the day Asmodues found his newly turned demon in that cage he kept his pet in, the youngest prince acted as though that was the first day of Izzy's life. He didn't even know that he was in that cage because of that man in the first place. "I'm not afraid of you, Dean, even though I'm pretty damn sure you're no puppy dog," Izzy told him with a little roll of his eyes, the man who had spent his last few years in hell torturing other souls was far from a puppy. But he had caught Izzy's attention mentioning the Men of Letters. He vaguely remembered Asmodues mentioning them decades ago. Something about them being all dead now… about them holding knowledge no one else had. Going to this bunker… could prove useful if the knowledge thing was true.

Izzy finally looked over at Dean again, tucking hair behind his ears, "Well whiskey is always a very good and tempting offer," he said, chewing on his lip a little as he thought it over. "If you're all armed like you say you are… Do you also have books and shit? Like, books on demons and shit." Izzy knew he had been turned differently than almost every other demon that existed, he had to have been to have his own body and no ability whatsoever to jump from one meatsuit to the next, but he had no idea what happened to make him this way. And no book he had found since being set loose on the world had been able to give him the answer he was looking for. If this bunker had hidden knowledge it might be his best bet to find out how he turned, because Asmodues wasn't telling him anytime soon. "And I really wouldn't have to just stay if I don't want to. I can just walk out? Seriously?"

Dean just grinned when the other said he was pretty sure he wasn’t a puppy, calling him out like that. And he believed them when they said that they weren’t scared of him, he did find her in the middle of a demon infested alleyway in the middle of the night. His grin grew when Izzy seemed to be mulling the thought over. He raised an eyebrow and chanced a longer glance at the other when he was asked about books. That he hadn’t been expecting, didn’t peg her for a book type. There might be something they were looking for specifically that the old bats had locked away. He would definitely be doing an inventory check but hey it sounded like they were coming around to the idea. A new face and alone time might do him some good, even if they don't get handsy and this Izzy turned out to be a gigantic book worm. 

“Like I said you need a magic key to get in but getting out isn’t a problem, locks behind you but I gotta warn you the cell service sucks,” he said with a smile. He altered his route and started out of town and toward the bunker. The long ride was pretty much silent after that, Dean was honestly a bit too nervous to say something and have the blond change her mind about coming. He couldn't help wanting to help her, wanting to figure her out at least a little. From wanting to protect the little thing and knowing that he would just worry about them at this point. “Just don’t take anything, alright? Not really supposed to take people to the BatCave but…” he trailed off with a shrug after he parked by the bunker, obviously making an exception for the blond right now. 

Izzy shrugged when he mentioned cell service, that meant pretty much nothing to him. Of course he knew what a cell phone was, he had been in this world long enough. But he never felt the need to get one. Who the hell was he gonna call? "No big deal, no cell phone. I was serious, I've never worked with someone else before. Never felt the need to get one," he shrugged, as little like it was normal or something to not have a cell this day and age. He honestly didn't actually know either way though. "And I don't plan on taking anything. I've got my own weapons and shit. Just… looking for a little info is all. If you happen to have a book with what I want to know, well, then I won't really need it anymore once I read it." He ignored the Bat Cave comment for the moment, not wanting to let the hunter next to him realize he actually understood the reference. He especially didn't want him to know he found it amusing.

Dean decided to leave Baby in a little hidden knook they made for when they didn’t plan on staying long and putting her in the very nice garage. He just grinned as they walked up to the old green doors after grabbing a bag from the trunk and he pulled it open for the other. Once past the first threshold Dean unlocked the second doors and stepped through, holding it open for the other. “This is the legacy of the Men of Letters, a bit old and dusty but we’re still fixing the place up.” he said as they made their way down the spirling, metal staircase. He walked past the light up map table and tossed his bag on the first long table in the library. “Wanna tour?” he asked as he turned to the other, smiling at them.

He just wanted a fucking book that explained how humans became demons. Without their souls spending hundreds of years tortured in hell. Asmodues had no choice but to tell him that he turned differently than everyone else when he realized he couldn't just jump from meat suit to meat suit like everyone else could. His soul never left his body, something in him changed while he was still a human. But that was all Asmodues would say on the subject. Honestly it was the one thing about the man who called himself Izzy's master that drove him absolutely insane. He didn't care so much about whatever his human life was since he couldn't miss what he didn't remember or had any sort of idea what it might have been like, but he did want to know why he turned into a demon. Was he evil in his previous life? Is that how it worked? He remembered someone once saying that he must have cracked to change the way he did, but cracked from what and how? He just wanted to know how the fuck he came into existence. What made him so different from other demons. Why even Dagon, who knew that Izzy couldn't kill her without that oh so special gun, feared him to some extent. And nothing he had found so far explained any of that shit. Was he a bookworm? Mmm, debatable. Ask any demon who knew him they'd say no,, but Izzy was really good at keeping things about himself pretty damn secret. The less people knew the less they had on you and the safer you were. But the truth was that he did love books, loved to read and learn. And now that he wasn't under Asmodues' thumb at all times and had a mission to carry out, he was able to use research for said mission as an excuse to read. Sure, he was actually doing research but for so much more than anyone actually knew. 

Izzy was a bit unsure following Dean into the bunker when they got there. This could be a really, really stupid idea. But on the other hand… he was going to have info on the Winchester's no one else could possibly dream of having and he might get a few other answers out of this as well so he followed along. He looked around as Dean led him through the place, tilting his head and letting a confused little look cross his face as he tilted his head back to see the ceiling, "Uh, sure, if you want. So, do you keep the bats in some special room or something? I kinda just pictured them all over the place."

Her not havung a phone probably should have set off more red fags then it did because even if you were a loner it was useful to have one since pay phones were all but extinct. He tilted his own head when Izzy had mentioned bats, that had been a reaction he might have expected from Cas but really? “It’s not really a batca-... never mind. This is our fortress,” he said, just trying to get past what he felt was a painful moment. He turned on his heel and held up his arms out on either side as he gestured to the books. “This is the library. Nothing says stuffy bookworms like having a library right at the front door right?” He said with a laugh, turning completely to face the other as he walked around one of the tables. 

If Izrael actually cared much about completely blending in when he was going by Izzy he probably would have gotten a cell phone. But truth be told, he didn't actually care what humans thought about him and despite Asmodues having insisted he play the part on earth he could probably count on one hand how many times he had ever used the name Izzy before. Since he usually avoided hunters he rarely ever felt the need too. So really… What was the point of carrying around a little electronic box used to call people? The only person who would ever actually want to get ahold of him had his own ways of doing so. But even Asmodues left Izzy to himself for the most part nowadays as long as he kept doing what he was told and continued to work his damnedest to keep Lucifer in his box. Though if he had realized how odd it actually was to not have one, he wouldn't have mentioned it. 

Of course it wasn't actually a Bat Cave. It almost annoyed him that the hunter found it so easy to believe that the batman reference really meant nothing to the blond. Sure, part of him was glad too because he didn't want the fact that he enjoyed those comics to be known by anyone, but still… how stupid did this hunter think he really was if he believed that Izzy? He was pretty sure that Batman was popular among humans. It was the Winchester thinking he was dumb that bothered him more than anything though, because that was just not true. Izzy had always been rather smart, even before he turned, he had a near photographic memory. But with all memories of humanity gone, and those memories being from close to sixty years before anyways, all that was left was hell and the supernatural. And he figured that shit out quickly, easily. Humans, not so much. Humanity and what they were like and what they did like were never on his list of things he needed to learn about. Humans weren't his targets. "No offense, but you don't exactly strike me as the bookworm type," he said, moving around the table to go and look at the spines of the books, fingers running lightly over them. Yeah, this would definitely be his best bet at finding answers. Some of these were obviously old as fuck. "The kill first and ask questions later type. Though I suppose since all you hunters go after everything supernatural, you need the lore books, huh?" He personally didn't bother with any other supernatural beings, just the demons on Lucifer and Dagon's side. Which was probably a good thing for them, if this little demon were to ever start working as a real hunter with someone like Dean… they wouldn't stand a chance. As they had proved earlier… the two of them working on the same side had some pretty nasty consequences for those fighting against them. 

Dean chuckled when Izzy said he didn’t seem like the book worm type, oh hell no that was Sammy’s department. “Yeah no, that's more my brother's thing,” he said as he walked over to the opposite wall, towards the small table with a few bottles filled clear, brown liquid and a few glasses. “I at least wait long enough to see what I'm fighting so I know how to kill it.” Dean poured them a few glasses and headed to the closest main table to the blond. He leaned against it on his hip and took a sip from his glass while he held out the other to Izzy. The other’s wording did strike him as odd though and he raised an eyebrow a little. The way he said it was just off, but Dean wanted to think Izzy was just into demons, and therefore could know some pretty useful stuff. That or maybe he was really green and thought of himself being different from regular hunters. His gut was telling him something was still off though, but he wasn’t sure what.

Izzy was glad his back was to the hunter when he mentioned his brother so he didn't see the little demon roll his eyes and scowl at the mention of that junkie who was seriously getting in his way with that bitch he was attached to. He was pretending he didn't really know much about them… which wasn't a complete lie, but he had a serious suspicion he knew something about the younger Winchester that Dean didn't. He might know about the demon bitch Sam hung out with but he highly doubted this man knew about the blood and psychic shit that boy was playing with. The psychic shit was honestly the main reason he hadn't gone after Ruby yet, he wasn't like other demons, he had no idea how Sam's little exercising shit would affect him. 

“You know, you never mentioned what you were looking into. I’m guessing something demon related,” he mentioned to the other. There wasn’t much small talk on the car ride over.

He didn't say anything for a bit while Dean spoke and walked around the room, more interested in looking through the shelves of books for anything that looked promising. But he never let his guard down really, constantly aware of where Dean was around him or how close he was. He stiffened a bit when he felt Dean closer again and he asked that direct question. Izzy didn't really want to answer anything he was asked, but avoiding taking to him too much might just seem more suspicious. Fuck. He really should have paid more attention to the humans around him the last decade, he was really bad at trying to be one. "Yeah, demon related," Izzy finally said as he turned around and saw Dean holding out the whiskey he had promised. Alcohol didn't really affect him as much as it did humans unless he drank an ungodly amount so he wasn't worried about drinking at least. 

He took the glass offered to him and leaned against the bookshelf behind him, shrugging his shoulder a little, "Don't know if you picked up on it during that whole ambush shit, but I kinda hunt demons. Apparently I'm pretty good at it since they don't seem to like me much at all." He took a drink from the whiskey he was given, relishing in the burn that goes down his throat. As a demon, the little blond didn't need to eat. The few times he did were few and far between and it was always for some reason he couldn't figure out, but knew he just wanted whatever the hell it was that he was trying. But he did like to drink. Alcohol that is. He liked the burn. 

"Just curious what kind of people become demons and how. Always good for a guy to know everything he can about his enemies and all, yanno?" It wasn't a lie. He had actually been avoiding actually lying to the hunter. Izzy didn't like to lie, it was too hard to remember the fake information he had given to who. So the only thing he had lied about was his name, but that wasn't that big of a lie as Izzy did sound like a nickname for Izrael. Mostly, he was just leaving out details he didn't think Dean needed to know. Like the fact he was a demon and really just wanted to know how he, himself, had turned. How demons like him were made. Because as far as the books he had found about demons elsewhere knew, Cain was the only other person to become a demon this way. And almost nothing was fucking known about that man. As a matter of fact, he was the one demon who no matter how hard he tried Izzy could not fucking find. Not that he had really looked into how to find him. He didn't want to kill Cain like he did with everyone else he hunted down, he wanted answers. But even so, he knew Cain wasn't exactly like him and probably didn't have the answers he wanted. So that had just been another fucking dead end. The little blond didn't do a whole lot of shit that he actually wanted to do or something anyways, ninety percent of his time was spent following Asmodues' orders to hunt down Dagon's followers and make sure Lucifer didn't get out of that cage. 

Dean nodded a little when the other confirmed that it was demon related, easy guess. “You don’t pick up that kind of attention without being a major pain in their ass,” he said with a snicker. The man's shoulders stiffened when he took another drink when Izzy said what he was looking into. What kind of people become demons. He forced back a smile and shifted a little as he tried to keep his mind focused on the task at hand and not let it run off with the flashbacks and nightmares he has. It felt like every time he blinked he was hit with a flash of something he’d seen or had done. He told everyone he didn't’ remember any of it and refused to talk about it and self medicated with liquor like any good hunter.

Well duh, obviously he was a pain in their asses. Two dozen of them had actually gotten together without someone in power telling them what to do to try and take him out. They failed, miserably thanks to the hunter near him right now, but it didn't negate the fact that Izzy was a huge threat to them and their plans. Really though, if the whole fucking lot of them just fucking stopped trying to set Lucifer free Izzy would have no problem leaving them alone. But until that happened…. He had a job to do. What the hell would he do with himself if Asmodeus actually managed to take the crown and this mission was over? He'd actually never thought about that before. Every single memory he had had something to do with him having to keep Lucifer in the cage. 

“Well demons are mostly twisted and tortured souls. You get twisted up so much down there you turn into something else,” he said, rubbing at his brow as he fidgeted a little as he spoke. “At the end of the day they're a spirit, just nastier. You don’t normally catch one running around before they possess someone but the same tricks apply, salt and iron,” he told him, running off a few things off the top of his head, mostly from first hand experience. “I’m sure you know all about devils traps and all that,” he said, waving his hand and finally looking over at the other. It was probably a good thing Dean had been so caught up with that Izzy was looking into that he completely missed the suspicious pronoun.

Izzy couldn't help but roll his eyes at Dean when the man just told him shit he already knew. Was he actually under the impression that someone he thought was a legit demon hunter didn't know that shit already? Also. He was wrong. While holy water did have the same effect on him that it did to most demons, salt and iron actually didn't bother him for some reason. Every single voice in his head was screaming at him to keep his mouth shut for a while, to not get sucked into this conversation. But the thing was… he actually wanted to talk about this shit. He never talked with anyone about shit he actually wanted too. Demons avoided him unless they were trying to kill him, he avoided humans and hunters, and Asmodues pretty much just told him what to do. The little demon didn't actually have any memories of just talking with someone about something he was interested in. And this happened to be the biggest fucking intrest he really had right now.

"See, right there just proves you really have no fucking clue what you're actually dealing with, do you? Obviously being tortured in hell is going to fuck up any soul in some way, but not every soul in hell becomes a demon. This world would be fucked if they did. There are millions and millions of souls in hell." He only just stopped himself from pointing out that despite Dean's own torture and escapades with Alastair he didn't actually turn into a demon. No, a fucking angel actually came and pulled him from the pit. So what the hell was it that made some souls twist the same way he had even though he hadn't gone through that die and be tortured shit and made others just… well, be tortured for all eternity. Or torture as was the case with some. "Yeah, most of them are just nastier twisted spirits, and you don't normally see one walking around without someone else's meat suit… but they can. It's apparently super fucking rare for it to happen, but a human can just wake up a demon somehow. In their own skin and everything. So I want to know what makes the souls that twist that way different from those that don't. What kind of person they must have been. And what happens to those people who turn? How does that happen? But unfortunately, because it's so fucking rare, I haven't been able to find a single book in the last ten years that actually explains that shit." He sighed a little in frustration at the thought before just shaking his head and finishing the rest of his own drink before he turned his back to Dean again to start looking through the books again, waving his own hand in dismissal of the subject. Dean wasn't going to have the answers he wanted obviously. "But yes, of course I know all about devils traps. I just don't use them." He couldn't if he wanted too, not unless he wanted to get stuck inside one himself. Besides, even if he could… with the way he hunted, it would be pretty damn useless and time consuming to try since it was usually a sneak attack/ambush of his own on their own grounds. Wasting time with a devils trap when it was just so much easier to kill them just seemed stupid. "Do you have any sort of order with these books or am I gonna have to look through all of them to find the ones about demons?"

Dean was a little taken back when Izzy said that he had no clue about demons. He felt anger rise up in his belly and his face tightened some. His pride didn’t like that but the built up emotion subsided the more Izzy spoke. He did have a point, if that’s all it took then Hell would be nothing but demons. He never really focused on the fine details, he just killed them. His face became a mix of surprises and doubt when Izzy kept going and told him about the type of demons that keep their bodies. What the hell? He’d never heard of something like that before, what the hell could it be capable of? It was a worrying thought. “This keeps getting better and better,” Dean muttered under his breath. He couldn't stop his brain from thinking about his younger brother on his road trip with his little demon buddy. What if that was Ruby's plan, twist his brother into one of them? He’d fucking gank that bitch before she could try. He wanted to call and check up but that hadn’t gone so well last time. 

He made a small face when Izzy asked about an order to the crazy amount of information. He finished his half glass of whiskey and pushed off of the table, setting the glass down before walking away. “I have a feeling what we’re looking for isn’t in here, come on,” He said, motioning the other to follow him with a head nod. He led the blond down the hall a bit, through another doorway and down some stairs. He pushed one of the two heavy doors open and held it open for the other hunter. “When we started going through the stuff that was left here we found that most of the heavy reading books are in here,” He told him. The room was about 25 by 25 feet, metal shelving lined all the walls filled with books and some jars. There was a decent sized table in the middle of the room under the only light, taking up a good chunk of the free space. 

Dean just nearly kidnapped the little blond he helped out that he knew nothing about other than the fact he could kill demons pretty damn well and brought him to his secret bunker and he thought anything that came out of this idea wouldn't be completely fucked? Hell. He was pretty damn sure that Dean didn't even realize yet that he hadn't stepped in to help a pretty little girl, but actually a boy who just happened to look a lot like one. Add on to that fact that this boy was also one of those freaky ass demons he was just talking about and you could see clearly that this man definitely hadn't thought this through. "You have no idea," Izzy mumbled back, not sure or honestly even caring if Dean heard him. 

Izzy set down the glass still in his hand before he shrugged again and followed Dean through the bunker. Fuck. This place really was huge. Izzy couldn't help but grin a little when he looked into the room. Dark. Enclosed. No way for anyone to try and sneak up on him again. Exactly the kind of rooms he liked and usually worked in when he was looking for a party to crash. "Awesome," he said as he walked in the room. Creepy jars and big old books lining the walls on top of everything else, Izzy had instantly and probably noticeably relaxed more when he was in the room that was so much like a place he would actually want to be in. He didn't say anything else as he started scanning the books on one of the shelves, his eyes widening some when he saw what he instantly felt like he had been looking for for years now. It was smaller than any of the other books in here, but that wasn't surprising considering how little information there probably was at all on demons like him. Humans Turning Demon. 

Izzy grabbed the book off the shelf and took a few steps backwards to push himself up to sit on the table, just remembering that Dean was there as he went to open the book. "Uhm… thanks," he said, forcing himself to remember that he was supposed to be a human and actually used to having someone around and even weirder for him- that someone helping him. "Hey… uh, why are you being so like… nice and normal to me? As far as I've seen, people aren't just nice to strangers. Especially when said stranger is a pretty boy who can shove a knife into a human skull."

Dean noticed the small change in the others' demeanor when he showed them the room. The room didn’t bother him or his brother too much but ‘awesome’ wasn’t the normal reaction to this stuff. Though in this line of work, who’s really normal? You see a lot of weird and horrible shit fast and you pick up a few quirks along the way. He had half turned when  the other called out to him and thanked him, he was going to leave Izzy alone to do their digging. He raised an eyebrow when he was asked why he was being so helpful. He opened his mouth with a grin to say it was just the right thing to do for a lady when Izzy said that last part, his words luckily getting caught up in his throat. BOY!? WHOLY FUCK!! Dean’s back straightened as he looked the other over again. It took him a second or two to catch himself and he cleared his throat out a little. “Well you want demons dead and I want demons dead,” he said with a shrug, his brain still trying to absorb this enlightening new detail about the blond. “And I learned about a new fleshy kind of demon, win win,” Dean chuckled. Hell all of Dean seemed stiff. Right now, he honestly didn’t know what the fuck to do.

[spencers-dria]

Someone To Stay

Original story by Fairytales1896

Spencer Reid x fem reader

Content/Trigger Warnings: guns, violence, blood

11. Instinct

Spencer POV:

I close my eyes in an attempt to get any amount of sleep possible before the jet lands. After a night full of tossing and turning, we got called in on a case in Washington State. Of course this means delaying a talk with Y/N about last night. I tried to convince myself it was nothing, so why can't I stop thinking about it.

It was just alcohol right? People do and say all kinds of crazy things while they're drinking, things they usually regret the next day. Maybe she won't want to speak about it at all. Ugh, how am I supposed to focus on a serial killer when my mind is so clouded with personal drama. I'm going to have to find a way to compartmentalize. While I'm with the team, it will be all business. I can find time to sort through my personal issues at the hotel tonight.

Finally giving up on getting any extra sleep at all, I sit up from the bench and move to a window seat across from Morgan. He's the only one who seems to still be awake. His eyes are closed but he's tapping his hands to whatever music he's listening to on his headphones, so I decide to let him be.

I find myself staring out the window, at the city lights down below. There's something really magical about the way things look from up here. I snap my head up when I hear a noise beside me. Morgan slides over a fresh cup of coffee. I hadn't even noticed him getting up. I must really be out of it.

"Reid." I note the seriousness in his voice, the lack of nickname use. "What's going on with you? You hardly spoke during the case briefing?"

I simply shrug, continuing to stare out the window as I sip on the fresh cup of coffee. I can tell he put in extra sugar, the way I usually make it.

"Is this about last night? About Y/N?"

I set my coffee in my lap as I stare into it, almost as if waiting for it to give me answers.

"I don't... I don't really know." I sigh.

"We haven't talked about what happened. We pretty much just said goodnight and I left. Then we got called in on the case."

"Is there something going on between you two?"

He wiggles his eyebrows at me, in a typical Derek Morgan fashion.

I shake my head. "No, at least I don't think so. There wasn't but after last night...I don't know what to think."

"Do you want there to be?"

I feel nerves building up in my stomach, the same ones I had on the dance floor last night. My thoughts drift to how she looked, how I felt, how easy it was being around her, how I couldn't stop smiling.

I know my face is turning red again.

"I don't know. Maybe..."

Derek let's out a long sigh and leans over to pat my shoulder. "You'll figure it out, pretty boy. You are a genius after all."

I can't help but laugh. I feel a little better, knowing that someone else knows what I'm going through, without having to say more than a few words. That's the great thing about Derek, he gets me. He teases and jokes but at the end of the day. He's always there. Before I realize it, I've drifted off into the sleep I had so desperately been craving.

I wake to the jet finally entering descent. The sun has come up and the rest of the team is awake. I glance at my watch to see the clock read 7 AM. I decide to send Y/N a quick text. I don't need her thinking I ran off after what happened.

Spencer📱 I got called in on a case. I'll let you know when we get back so we can have another movie night.

Y/N📱Order of the Phoenix?

Spencer📱 Of Course! :)

After getting settled at the police station, I start to go through the files. It's a small town and they don't have much to give us. It shouldn't take me more than 30 minutes to read through any relevant information.

The rest of the team returns to the station later that evening with updates from the autopsy, the locations where the victims where taken and where their bodies were dumped.

It isn't long before we put together a solid profile: Male, late twenties to early thirties, confident online but incredibly insecure when speaking with women in person, feels emasculated by powerful women in his life, job requires extensive knowledge of the local wooded areas, takes his victims by surprise and knocks them out before making cuts and marks all over the bodies, leaving them in public places to be seen, shaming them the way he feels shamed.

We spend the next morning narrowing down the suspect list. I feel like I'm on the brink of a break through, when my thoughts are interrupted by Hotch.

"JJ, Morgan, go back to the site where our latest victim, Victoria, was taken off the hiking trail. See if you can figure out how he targets and approaches them. Blake and Reid, start questioning some of the friends of our most likely suspect, Mr. George Kelly. They may know where you can find him. Start with the ex girlfriend. Rossi and I are going to call the friends and families in to see how much they can remember."

Thirty minutes later, Agent Blake and I are pulling into the driveway of a small house, set a ways away from the road. We step out of the car to the sound of nothing but the wind in the trees. As we approach the front door, each of us keeps a hand tentatively on our holster, just in case.

After three sharp knocks, Blake announces herself.

"Ms. Hutchinson, This is Agent Blake with the FBI. We need to speak with you."

After a few moments, there is still nothing but silence. "Ms. Hutchinson, we are looking for your ex boyfriend Mr. Kelly. We just want to talk."

Dead silence.

Blake and I give each other a knowing nod as she stays at the front door, I approach the back, gun in hand. I make my way around the house, taking in all of my surroundings, looking and listening for anything out of the ordinary.

As soon as I turn the last corner, I lock eyes with George Kelly, standing on the back porch with a gun held to the head of his ex. I quickly swallow the lump on my throat and focus all possible energy on deescalating the situation.

"Mr. Kelly" I speak loud enough to alert Blake to the situation, knowing she may already be inside.

I slowly lower my gun into its holster. I see something in his eyes I have seen before. This man does not want to kill her.

"Mr. Kelly my name is Dr. Spencer Reid, and I'm here to help you. But I need you to put the gun down, okay? You see me putting mine down? I don't want to hurt you. I just want to talk."

"No! No you'll just kill me! You think I don't know what you'll do to me for what I've done! I hurt people! But I don't wanna die!"

Tears start to spill over from his eyes as the gun shakes in his hand.

"George, I know. I know you don't want to die. You don't have to. It's ok. Just let Anna go so we can talk about this. I know you don't want to hurt her. She never hurt you. She only appreciated you right? She made you feel special. She never belittled you or emasculated you like other women, did she?"

He starts to sob and shake but his hand never leaves the gun or the girl. Through the window, I see Blake making her way slowly through the house, trying not to alert him to her presence.

"Fine! Leave your gun! Leave it right there on the ground, and come get her!"

I know this is a bad idea. He's clearly unstable. All my FBI training is getting set aside, but I have to try right...I have to try to save her. I slowly remove my gun from the holster as a lower it to the ground. I start to take a couple steps away. I can see his grip loosening on her.

I take a couple more steps toward the porch and the girl is finally able to run toward me. She wraps her arms around me and begins to sob, and I quickly realize I've made a mistake. Seeing his ex cling to me has triggered something in the unsub. I see a fierce look enter his eyes as his hold on the gun steadies.

Out of instinct I turn the girl in my arms away, with my back to the gunman, shoving us both down on the ground, praying silently in my head that Blake will be able to react quick enough. Before I hit the ground I feel a sharp sting in my shoulder.

There's a ringing in my ears as I feel my head go fuzzy. I quickly scramble for my phone to call back up. I look up from where I'm laying in the dirt to see Blake handcuffing our unsub.

The girl and the killer, both still alive. And so am I. I let my head fall to the ground as a take in a deep breath of relief and exhaustion. Hotch finally answers as I update him on our current whereabouts and situation. Before the phone calls ends I can feel myself start to fade a bit. I look down to finally see just how much blood I have been losing. There's a puddle of red slowly spreading, running through the dirt and grass. I suppose the adrenaline numbed my awareness of what was going on. My eyelids are suddenly heavy as I struggle to stay awake. In the background I hear Hotch's voice on the phone fading, mixed with the growing sound of sirens.

"Reid? Reid? Reid are you okay? Reid what's happening?"

[roswelldetails]

RNM 2x07 - Como La Flor

Apologies for being so late this week!! Lots of translating to do, and research. Mucho gracias to @queenrikki for reviewing this one for me!

EPISODE SUMMARY:

OLD WOUNDS — Liz (Jeanine Mason) is forced to revisit a painful part of her past when her mother Helena (guest star Bertila Damas) shows up at the diner unexpectedly. Michael (Michael Vlamis) urges Maria (Heather Hemmens) to seek help after she experiences a strange vision, and Kyle’s (Michael Trevino) attempt to get Steph (guest star Justina Adorno) to open up doesn’t go as planned. Finally, Helena’s arrival in Roswell sends Rosa spiraling. Nathan Dean and Lily Cowles also star. Barbara Brown directed the episode written by Danny Tolli & Carolina Rivera (#207). Original airdate 4/27/2020. 

DETAILS:

Max and Isobel both describing to Rosa how it feels to use (and control) your powers.

Isobel:

"Ground your intention.  Feel the current running through your body, your hands guiding it with purpose."

Max:

"Okay, draw energy from your spine…"

Arturo on Rosa:

"I heard a little mouse crying in her room this morning."

Escamoles - like Liz says in the episode, they're ant larvae. One article I found called them "the Caviar of the Mexican desert". 

Helena calls Liz "mi corazón", which means "my heart".

"Arturito, te ves bien."

Arturo, you look good.

Adding "ito" to someone's name in Spanish can both be positive or negative.  It can refer to smallness or also tenderness (like an affectionate pet name).

@tasyfa pointed out that there was a little timeline error in this scene.  Arturo says that he hasn't seen Helena in 7 years, since Jim Valenti's funeral, but last season it was established in 1x12 that Valenti died in 2014.  Also, remember the show is a year behind reality right now, so it's still 2019. So off by 2 years.

The reason for Helena's visit - transferring her ownership of the Crashdown for Liz so that Liz can sponsor Arturo's residency for citizenship. I did a lot of research trying to understand and clarify why this is.  Thanks to those who weighed in when I was struggling to find a clear answer. Eventually I reached out to Define American, the non-profit org that provides support to the show on racial and immigration related issues.  Here's the response:

The short version is that Liz has to meet minimum income requirements in order to sponsor Arturo, because she has to be able to certify that she can financially support him.  Since she's currently unemployed except for the Crashdown, transferring half of the ownership to her makes her a business partner and helps her to meet the income requirements. 

The Spanish:

"¿Cuánto quieres, Mamá?" 

How much do you want, Mama?

"She has a very thoughtful manicure."

If you don't understand, it's cool. I'm not going to explain here.  Feel free to DM me though! I won't judge, promise!!

Narrative thread about Max's nightmare/memory continues from 2x03 and 2x06.  Don't forget that 2x03 was just Isobel remembering it. Max was a hallucination. So when he brings it up here, it might be something they haven't discussed in a very long time.

The Spanish from Rosa on her red jacket:

"Eres una mujercita."

Basically translates to you're a little woman or young woman.  I assume the "cita" is supposed to be diminutive here.

"Mom is an opportunist.  If she found out she had a kid who came back from the dead she would use you to get to Anderson Cooper. And then she'd use him to promote her latest lounge singer gig."

"Isobel pays double.  Becky tax." 

A Becky, according to common colloquial use, is an annoying white woman, usually entitled and privileged.

Lead bartender quit..meaning there's a job opening at the Pony…hmm. Wonder if any of our characters need a job... 🤔

Maria's vision:

Michael drops the change

Flash to Kyle dropping his keys & bending down to pick them up.

Kyle staring into a bright light.

Maria shouting his name.

"My heart was broken.  Liz ended things and a part of me died."

Max's story to Valenti… not all THAT far off from the truth.

Note: has anyone told him about Valenti investigating him? We know Liz and Isobel were questioned.  Michael was present when Liz was questioned. Kyle knows the whole theory his mom was pursuing. And he just wanders in there like nothing happened?

"Try leading several short staffed investigations with the mayor breathing down your neck."

Another subtle reference to the mayor, including the election banners hung around town in S2 and his "anti-immigrant agenda" which was referenced in S1.

Max has been with the department since he was 18 - this is the first time we learned that.  In 2x05 we learned he was there at 21. So that timeline has now been further clarified. Which also means he was hired during Jim Valenti's time as Sheriff.

"I need eyes on you at all times now."

Definitely implies a lack of trust, or possibly still wanting to keep an eye on him for the purpose of her investigation (not a fact, just a theory).

Steph tells Kyle that she's always hanging around the hospital because she's doing admin work for her dad.

"I'm starting to feel like you're a ghost who only I can see."

"Ask them if they can see me. Or if you were just talking to a ghost." 

Note that ghosts have been a running theme this season with Rosa returning from the dead. This seems to be in line with that. Or are they subtly tying Steph to Rosa (I'm grasping at straws here, probably).

Liz leaves the safe on 3...but before she changes it is on 81. Helena leaves it on 78 after stealing the ring. Good continuity, RNM!

The whole "my mom hates cops" theme is a little confusing to me.  I mean, it makes sense given what we know about Helena. Except that she had an affair with Jim Valenti, who was… a cop. And also an addict.  Maybe it was different because they rehabbed together (just an assumption, not a fact). Or maybe the Jim experience contributed to her dislike of cops.

Liz...might be grasping at straws when she refers to police work as "something you love" to Max.  He didn't exactly seem enamoured by the job when we first met him in Season 1.

First time we learn Max and Isobel's father's name. And it is… Dave. 🤔

The Spanish Helena uses when she meets Max:

"Pero que guapo estas."

But how handsome you are.

"Cuidado Arturito."

Careful, Arturo…

Helena found Liz and Diego's wedding registry online. 

“Look there are medical reasons for non-drug-induced hallucinations - epilepsy, schizophrenia…”

“My mom has a degenerative brain disease. My grandma did too. I've always known I'd be next.”

Helena wanted to be Selena.

Which fits with Liz's lounge singer comment earlier.

And the "drunkenly singing in the car with your daughters in the backseat" fits with the story Liz and Rosa discussed in 2x02 about the car accident they got into as kids with Helena driving drunk.

Helena shows Liz her ten years sober chip, suggesting that she's been sober since Rosa died, but Rosa finds pills in Helena's car later in the episode.  Oxycodone. The same drug that Rosa used to steal from her mom as a kid (which we learned about in 2x04) and the same drug that she and Kyle discussed when he was checking her health in 2x01.

During Helena's toast to Rosa:

Preciosa = precious

Rosa Linda… still not sure personally if this is a continuity error or a pet name.  I’m inclined to go with a pet name. Throughout the whole episode Helena uses lots of pet names, nicknames, diminutives to address people. Rosa Linda may be just another version of this since Rosa's middle name was pretty well established as Helena in Season 1 between her grave, memorial pamphlet, etc.

Kyle calls attention to Steph's bandage on her arm.  She says she gave blood, but it feels like she's evading.

Also she calls him McDreamy, which is a Grey's Anatomy reference. Kyle called himself McSexy (another Grey's nickname) in 1x08 as well.

Note: I've seen some people talk about the speech about his sick friend as being about Maria, but I think he's really talking about Steph.  Or both, vaguely. He's certainly trying to get Steph to open up to him. Here's what he says:

"I just found out a friend of mine is sick. And I can't do anything to help her. And I hate feeling helpless."

Only after Steph puts her walls back up, does he gesture to Mimi's files.

The Spanish:

"Oh, ándale, gùero."

Ándale is like, go! Or let's go! Gùero we discussed earlier...basically white boy.

Por favor - please 

Rosa's art that we first saw in 2x05 now looks finished:

Isobel's graffiti "In Pod We Trust"

Both Isobel and Rosa's graffiti:

Isobel's assessment of Rosa's art

"That's a black hole. An unstoppable force of destruction. And it's getting closer. I see a girl looking into her own doom. She thinks it's inevitable, that she can't stop it, but she can. See, she created it. That means she can destroy it."

Rosa on Isobel's efforts to help her:

"You and Max, you keep talking about harnessing emotion and grounding myself, right? But I can't do that.  It is in my DNA to be screwed up. Literally. My mom's mentally ill. So, so am I. I was broken long before Noah did what he did. That's why he chose me to prey on.  That's probably why he chose you too."

Maria on her grandmother:

"When I was a child my Grandma Patty was the only adult who understood my make-believe world. Thing is, I was six.  So my favorite things about her were just illness, I guess…"

Maria on her mom:

"She was always kind of out there.  By the time I realized it was more than that, I just became obsessed with money. Wanted to be able to take care of her. I invested everything Grandma Patty left me, and I worked, scrounged.  It was about three days after my mom was finally fired from her job at the Pony, I bought the place."

Maria's blood does not contain the alien protein that Kyle found in the Pod Squad and Rosa after being in the Pod for a decade. (and yes, he actually said Pod Squad, which feels like an OG fandom victory)

"Look, there is one thing I noticed in your grandmother's file. Her insurance company is the same one that paid for my dad's cancer treatments...My dad got cancer because of an alien incident at Caulfield Prison. A fake insurance company established by Project Shepherd covered his bills."

"Okay so my grandmother got sick at the same alien prison where your mother died?"

More Spanish (there's lots of it this week).

Helena, when she gestures to the present:

"Abre tu regalo."

Open your gift.

Quinces is just slang for Quinceanera.

Just in case you're not familiar with quinceaneras (Liz's was also referenced in 1x02).

"Mija, me enseñas tus prom photos?"

Daughter, show me your prom photos.

Regarding the power outage.  Liz thought it was Max. Max thought it was Rosa. But the wire is frayed, like it was cut or chewed through. So it wasn't alien power related.  When Arturo finds the wire though, he says, "Must have been a little mouse." Which is how he referred to Rosa earlier in the episode. So the question is, does he actually think it was a mouse? Or does he think Rosa cut the wire? And if Rosa did cut the wire, then why? To distract them while she goes after her mom's car?

In the big Liz/Helena argument, Helena calls Max “a güerito cop”.  Güero means white person, similar to the more commonly used gringo.  But by adding the “ito” onto the end (like discussed before), Helena is basically diminuitizing Max.  She’s using the “smallness” above to basically imply that he’s some white nobody.

“I may not be the PTA mom who made cookies for bake sales or hosted sleepovers, but I sacrificed everything to come to this country to give you a better life.”

This is...not actually true.  Liz and Rosa are both natural born U.S. citizens, born in Roswell.  So she didn’t “come to this country” for that reason. She was already here when Liz and Rosa came into the picture.  And it’s not like she came pregnant with Rosa or anything, since Rosa is Jim Valenti’s daughter.

The ring that Helena took was ARTURO'S mother's ring.  It wasn't even Helena's family's heirloom.   

Liz and Arturo sharing flan for dessert.  At the start of the episode before Helena arrived they discussed making flan for Rosa.

Arturo admits that he always knew the truth about Rosa's heritage. (*fistpump* that's one of my headcanons coming true). 

"Rosa es mi hija, siempre y para toda la vida."

Rosa is my daughter, always and for life.

"Maybe you're right. I am playing the hero. Just like you're playing the politician's perfect arm candy.  See, I did a little digging. And your boyfriend, Dirk-- he ran for city council. It's very impressive. But there's no mention of your daughters. I'm guessing Dirk doesn't even know about Liz or Rosa.  Does he know anything about you, Helena? 'Cause it would be such a shame if he found out about a little town called Roswell."

Helena gives Max the ring, but keeps the box… maybe that's what Helena really wanted?

Huevos = eggs.  Basically, slang for balls.

"I know that face.  You uncovered a massive conspiracy."

"I checked the Caulfield drives. No sign of a Patricia DeLuca, but there was a Patricia Harris. Her maiden name. She signed up to participate in an experimental trial. Government was interested in weaponizing alien abilities. They wanted to create super soldiers. Your grandma was one of the first human subjects."

"Kind of wish I was an alien instead."

"What happened to the experiment?"

"It was a total failure. Caulfield shut it down in the '70s after people started dying. I don't understand how your grandmother got involved."

"I do. Henrietta Lacks, Tuskegee, Holmesburg.  The DeLucas aren't the first black people to be secretly experimented on."

Highly encourage you to read these if you're unfamiliar with any of these references.  It's African-American history (and really a black mark on U.S. history) that's rarely taught in schools.

Henrietta Lacks:

Tuskegee:

Holmesburg:

Reality versus Maria's flashes… great gifset by @rosaortecho on this here:

Kyle rips his jacket, staggers out to the parking lot, drops his keys, and is almost hit by a car, but Michael throws him out of the way with his powers (and Kyle still ends up injured because he lands on a glass bottle).

"Now that we know your illness is related to Caulfield we can find a cure for it."

"Maybe it's not an illness. I saw the future today, Guerin. When I first found out Grandma Patty was experimented on, I was furious.  But what if my genetic inheritance isn't just injustice? It's also actual superpowers. Saved a life today. And not just any life-- Kyle Valenti's. Tomorrow he's gonna turn around and save five more lives."

Liz and Rosa's dueling big sister act is super fascinating.  Rosa admits that she wasn't going to burn the car, and then she saw Liz crying, felt helpless, and that's when her powers went all wacky and caused it to explode.

Meanwhile, Liz has spent the whole episode trying to keep Rosa safe from Helena, and is trying to comfort her here by talking about Helena's sobriety.

But--Rosa stole Helena's pills, so she knows Helena is not sober, and she doesn't tell Liz that.  Why? To protect her.

At some point these two should probably stop keeping secrets to protect each other and start actually sharing what they know.

Kyle stitches himself up.

Steph quoted in this scene:

"I was up in the gallery contemplating American downfall thanks to progressive socialism."

"People tend to bail when things get real. I'm not into that."

Cameron's car was impounded a couple hours away.

Max is turning in his badge and gun and is turning down desk duty to search for Cam.

Isobel and Michael's discussion at the Pony:

"Do you think that Noah chose me because I was already broken?"

"I think you are the only one of us who ever keeps it together."

"I'm serious, Michael. The night that drifter attacked me, why am I the only one who started blacking out? I mean, Max literally murdered a man, but I'm the one who breaks?"

"You were traumatized. We were kids. At that age, trauma gets etched on to your soul."

"But what if it's not in my soul? What if it's in my DNA? Look, my whole life, I've played Stepford wife, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. But...I need to understand myself now. I need to know where I'm from.  And if I don't know who my biological parents are, how am I ever gonna know who I really am?" 

"What are you saying, Iz?"

"I know that we said we shouldn't look into the past, but…"

"It keeps pulling you back. Me too. I spent my whole life thinking I'd build a ship and blast off into the ether. And then the minute I decide to leave that all behind and focus on this good thing in front of me, I'm sucked back in. Maria's family was experimented on at Caulfield. I need to find out more so I can find a cure for her illness."

Rosa takes one of her mom's pills. 😭

MUSIC:

1. Cactus Groove "This World"

2. Shelly Fairchild "Drive"

3. Mathis Hunter "Mrs. Vinegar"

4. Big Stone City "Good For Zero"

5. Big Stone City "Way Down Below"

6. Selena "Bidi Bidi Bom Bom"

7. Elizabeth Moen "Best I Can Do"

8. Wagons "Keep Coming Back"

9. AG "Where Is My Mind" (Pixies Cover)

[tycoons-official]

Tycoons Off Duty (2017)

Run time: 6-10 minutes

Genre: Reality Show

Status: Ongoing

• 'Tycoons Off Duty' is a video clip series that is uploaded to Tycoons' official YouTube channel, showing their daily lives behind the scenes through raw, minimally edited footage either recorded in third person view or 'vlog style' as Tycoons wanted the viewers to feel like they are a further part of their life. The first vlog was released on the 25th of January, well over 3 weeks after promotions for 'Tycoons The Album' and 'MAFIA' are done.

• These clips show their slow/lazy everyday routines that mostly include watching television on the sofa, playing games and eating snacks together, or occasionally they'd go out to buy groceries, run errands here and there and maybe even greet fans on the side. Most of the time the siblings are even shown bickering, having silly fights and taking care of each other like how normal siblings do, and many people find these antics to be endearing, funny and —for the most part— relatable.

Cooking with Carmen (2017)

Run time: 15-18 minutes

Genre: Cooking Show

Status: Ongoing

• 'Cooking with Carmen' is a video series that stars Carmen cooking dishes and baking desserts of all sorts, whilst also showing off her culinary skills and using them to boost Tycoons' popularity. The series was created upon the fall season when Tyke has to go away to do his annual military service after doing his initial one.

• Carmen isn't as flashy with her 'acrobatics' around the kitchen as other chefs are, but she makes up for it in food presentation, flavor and aesthetic. The company's team also decided to occasionally allow a bit of ASMR to the videos before cueing back in with some soft accompanying music.

• Capos enjoy this series as it shows a different side of Carmen they'd never thought they'd see, being such a bold, sexy, stoic character on stage, and they found it fascinating and endearing. They seem to be highly interested in how Carmen could've become a chef instead of an idol by how talented she is (or, how talented she's made to seem) and made fanfictional 'alternate universes' or 'AU's where Tycoons are running a family-owned cafe with Carmen was the head chef and Tyke was the Barista. Tycoons themselves enjoy reading these fanfiction stories and get shocked or rather amused by how accurate or inaccurate the way their Capos interpret their personalities without even meeting them.

A Talk with Tyke (2017)

Run time: 15-18 minutes

Genre: Talk Show

Status: On Hold

• 'A Talk with Tyke' is a show that stars Tyke as the main host. It is predominantly a talking show that discusses upon several random topics ranging from school bullying to internet dating to socks, accompanied by funny animations and picture scenery inserts that filled the empty space of green screen behind Tyke, that would sometimes cut into view as he made mistakes while talking or if he's laughing too hard and needed a break or if he said something too funny that even the staff had to laugh. The show is often seen as a 'sibling series' to 'Cooking with Carmen' where his sister is mainly starred, and Capos seem to really like the coincidences.

• The show covers on a certain topic, as mentioned before, and at first Tyke starts talking a little more seriously about it but until the half end of the video is when he starts making jokes as funny edited scenes cut in from everywhere else. There have been recent collaborations with Tyke's own sister and other Tycoons Carmen, Stray Kids' Changbin and Woojin, TWICE's Momo and Chaeyoung, and Park Jimin of former group AOA.

• Capos that were also fans of a show called RuPaul's Drag Race often compare this show to one called 'UNHhhh' that features two of it's former contestants for it's comedic use of flashy edited pictures and sound effects, floating words and funny topics. They've dubbed it the 'Korean UNHhhh minus the drag', though again, this is debatable.

Tycoons' Secret Wish (2018)

Run time: 30-45 minutes

Genre: Reality Show

Status: Ongoing

• 'Tycoons' Secret Wish' is a show that stars both members of Tycoons and is about the idols meeting certain fans who have been struggling with familial, social, monetary or internal battles and had friends and/or family members secretly sent ask letters to JYP Entertainment's main building with the special secret wish code, also known as, 'I call upon the Godfather' as well as a proper reason as to why they wanted their friend/family member to join the show and have their idols see them in order to be accepted by the show. The show is meant to promote the idea that idols can help those struggling hard by listening to their concerns and offering moral support from said idols' experience. Being that Tycoons have witnessed and experienced unfair deaths, inequality and a deteriorating hope during their childhood, they are considered well versed in this moral giving concept.

• The series would always start with Tycoons leaving the JYP building and telling the viewers about who their visitee is, what their background is like, whom sent in the ask letter, and why they would need to send in the letter. Then the duo will get in their transport car with one of their managers and go to the location of the visitee and meet them by surprise which comes into the idea of a 'secret wish.'

• Capos enjoy the series and is dubbed by Vogue as one of the best foreign television series to ever grace the TV screens all over the world, however, this is of course debatable. Unfortunately this show was published a couple months before Tyke has to leave for his annual military service after serving his initial one, and had to stay on hold for a couple of weeks so Tyke can come back and rest, and also regrow his hair back.

Tycoons Off Duty

• In a scene from episode 15 of season 1 [by far the most controversial and popular episode to this date] the episode starts off with Carmen greeting the camera with a croaky morning voice ["Good morning Capos, and everyone who's watching this, Tyke's asleep, and I'm Carmen, and together we are Tycoons"] before momentarily setting it down on the kitchen counter, taking what looked to be medicine pills from the kitchen cabinet above her before bringing them, paired with a glass of water, back into the bedroom where Tyke was still sleeping peacefully on their queen-sized bed that they were sharing for the time being. She sets the medicine on the bedside table and proceeds to wake him up, with much convincing and bribing with candies, Tyke soon wakes up and takes the pills that Carmen just took out.

• People of course speculated what those pills could be and on one of their Vlives held not long after this episode aired, Carmen explains to some questioning fans that Tyke does suffer from an illness that needed medication and specified on it being depression. She clarified that she was giving him prescribed medicine given and approved by his psychiatrist and their agency. She even mentions earlier in the Vlive that she already asked permission to their manager about 'breaking the news' to the Capos. [By that she meant telling them about Tyke's depression]

• This ruffled some Korean Capos the wrong way and they began spreading rumors and derogatory comments about Tyke on his and his sister's social media, saying that they should just stop being idols if they had such severe mental problems or if they're just trying to use the illness as a marketing ploy to catch the attention of the public. However the international Capos praised Carmen for being transparent about Tyke's mental illness and Tyke himself for being able to carry out the duties of an idol whilst harboring a mental illness which they presume from other idols' lives and troubles to be extremely demanding physically and mentally.

• By breaking the flawless, perfect image that idols are supposed to uphold, Tycoons both knew that they were going to have to dip into hot waters and apologize whilst also defending themselves by saying that they hope that the media will understand and never forget that music is how Tycoons themselves cope with their internal troubles, and hoped that this terrible and toxic the privilege that fans feel over their idols' personal lives and information will never happen to them or anyone else.

Tycoons' Secret Wish

• In a scene from episode 10 of season 1, Tyke is seen asking his present manager at the time Hyejeong a request to the bathroom while a female fan came into the shot and head locked him, before dragging him towards a room, whilst Hyejeong fought and tried to free the poor idol in the girl's grasp. Carmen darted out of the visitee's room and threw a strong punch at the fan before they were separated by Tycoons' security sent to prevent mobs [or flying sasaengs] and keep the idols safe. The fan seemed to be crazed with awestruckness and love for Tyke as she was giggling and sending kisses towards his direction as he laid on the floor, still shocked and trying to process everything that had just happened.

• Apparently, the fan that had done this to Tyke was a sasaeng and Capos managed to find pictures of the girl at fan signs, concerts, airport arrivals and many more locations, and the visitee felt embarrassed to say that said fan was one of her kpop crazed cousins that originally introduced the visitee to kpop and Tycoons. The girl didn't end up apologizing in her apology nots even though she did say that she regret what she did but hoped to let Tyke notice her next time. [Edit: He didn't SKSKSK]

[thefrogman]

I see you answering a lot of angry asks lately. I somehow missed the controversy they're talking about, but from your responses to the angry asks I just wanted to say it sounds like you're doing a good job learning from it, and also I'm glad to see you're back. You're hilarious. And I missed your corgi.

I get a ton of nice messages. Many more than the negative ones. However answering the nice ones publicly often seems boring or less compelling so I try to just respond to those privately as my energy allows. I don’t want people to get the idea that all I get are negative messages constantly. Sorry if anyone got that impression. 

I tend to air out the negative ones because it helps me deal with them. I can respond, publish, and after it is sent out into the world I get a sort of catharsis. The content of the message no longer festers inside me, creating a toxic mix of emotions that end up exacerbating my depression. This works for me, but it may not have the same effect on others. I’ve had one artist friend completely give up on tumblr because she couldn’t find an effective way to drown out the loud minority. And that makes me sad, but I respect her decision. 

I’ve made 2 major snafus in my tumblr career. 

A few years ago I was trying to explain how it’s hard for women to escape being harassed. It follows them around like a dark cloud. My best friend and I had discussed it shortly before and her stories of day to day life constantly dealing with unwanted attention from men really opened my eyes. But when speaking about it I got a little carried away. In a moment of sheer stupidity I ended up victim blaming a young man who shared his experience. I knew it was wrong the moment I hit publish and in a panic I tried to delete what I had said. Someone had screencapped it though, and there was no way to undo what I had said. 

I shouldn’t have deleted it in the first place. I should have owned up to it right away and apologized on the spot. I did my best to apologize to the young man. I publicly apologized to everyone as best I could. And I vowed to never victim blame any gender ever again. A promise I feel like I have kept. But it made some people pretty mad and even years later I guess they check my tumblr and send me messages telling me how terrible I am. I do wish we could move past this and come to some sort of resolution, but if them sending me angry messages once a year is my punishment, so be it. It’s really not that awful considering the stupid thing I said. I do think people who say I deserve to be sick and they are glad I am stuck in a bed take it too far. I wouldn’t wish my medical situation on anyone. 

My other mistake I feel was more of a misunderstanding. You might have heard of the famous M&M’s quote that got passed around like wildfire. It was a short blurb from a much longer post that someone turned into a graphic and published without any context. It made it seem like I told women to think of all men as monsters. My intention was actually to inform men that many women feel in order to be safe, they have to think of all men as dangerous in order to protect themselves. I didn’t say this was right or wrong. I just implied that this was a thing that was happening, largely due to a growing toxic rape culture. Women in my life would tell me they grip their keys between their fingers as they walked to their car at night. If a man approached they might try walking on the other side of the street. They would be super careful about their drinks in bars. Stuff like that. Should women fear all men by default in order to feel safe? I understand why some might, but I never really said that was the preferred solution to this problem. I just said it was happening as we speak and maybe we should deal with it. It was a complicated topic that was boiled down into a TL;DR of disastrous proportions. 

To make matters worse, my out of context quote was then changed to Skittles and the GOP used it to encourage people to fear muslims. People got SUPER angry at me then. That’s when the death threats started pouring in. People wishing I was dead. Telling me if I never existed then people wouldn’t fear muslims as much. Which I feel is probably a bit overboard. The GOP has no problems making idiots fear muslims. My little quote was not that integral to their “fear muslims” strategy. 

That’s a hard one to apologize for. While I am sorry it was perverted to do bad things, I’m not sure how much of that is my fault. I think having a discussion on the topic I originally spoke of was important, but I’m not sure the fallout from what happened was worth it. I suppose I just wish people could hate me for that without telling me I deserve to be sick or that I should die or that I should never have existed. 

[sci-fi-pony]

I couldn't resist :)

Also, I highly recommend this fic by MissAtomicBomb on AO3. It's amazing, and does a much better job of tackling this concept. (And it's been a few days since I checked the archive. I'm sure there's another dozen baby fics on there by now, lol.)

Warning: Spoilers for Lassie Come Home...

[Untitled]

After the initial excitement about their friends' engagement quieted down, Juliet managed to pull her husband aside. Between arresting the killer, the dual proposal, and filling in the SBPD on what happened, there hadn't been any time for them to address the big revelation of the night.

"So, how did you find out?" she asked, her hand unconsciously ghosting over her midsection.

"That's… a bit of a long story, actually. Involving a one-handed zombie and Gus's impending twitter ban. Might be better to save that for later."

"Yeah. Sounds like it."

She studied him a moment, trying to see past the casual smile to what he was really feeling. He could be a master at misdirection when it came to anything emotional, but those hazel eyes always gave away more than he realized.

"Come on," she said, grabbing his hand.

Shawn let her lead him into the office, a confused frown on his face. "Uh, shouldn't we be going to arrest Herschel? And we should definitely confiscate those ice chips before Gus gets his hands on them again."

"Vick already informed the SBPD of the situation and they're dispatching squad cars there right now," she told him, closing the office door and guiding them to the leather couch. The body had fortunately already been removed. "We'll join them in a minute. But first, we need to talk."

"Right." He dropped onto the couch, her taking a seat beside him. "Yeah. I guess we do." He paused, running a hand over his face as he gathered his thoughts. "How long have you known, Jules?"

"Not long. A few days."

"A few days?!" He stared at her in surprise, and maybe a tiny hint of hurt. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I was planning to, but it never felt like the right time. Honestly, I wasn't sure how you would react," she admitted. "I didn't want you to freak out. We talked about this before, but as something for the future. Now it's suddenly here and it feels..."

"...a lot more real," he finished for her. "Yeah."

She squeezed his hand, a brief smile passing over her face as her fingers brushed the gold band. "Shawn, tell me what you're thinking. I mean, you are happy about this, aren't you? I know this wasn't how we'd planned it, but—"

"No," he jumped in quickly. "It's not that. I meant it when I said I wanted us to have kids. It's just… this is a lot sooner than we planned. And… I'm not sure I'm ready to be a dad. Actually, I know I'm not ready. I'll probably lose the baby the first time I take it to the park. Or teach it all the wrong things. Or pick the wrong watch order for its first Star Wars marathon. And don't even get me started on those singing Frozen toys; those things are evil."

Noting the level of panic rising in his voice, Juliet decided it would be best to step in. "Shawn. It's okay. This is my first baby, too, remember? We'll figure it out together. And, obviously, the original trilogy first. Always." She watched him for a moment before asking softly, "Shawn, what's really bothering you about this?"

He took a long breath, trying to sort his thoughts into words. She waited patiently, her thumb rubbing circles on their joined hands.

"I don't want to mess this up, Jules. Gus would be great at this. His family is, like, Hallmark movie levels of perfect. But I don't have that kind of template to work with. How am I even supposed to know what I should be doing? I don't…" He paused, hesitated, and finally added in a rushed breath, "I don't want my kid to hate me."

A warmth spread through her at the admission, along with a pang of sadness. His doubts made sense, given his own difficult family history. And she found it endearing that he was putting this much thought into their future lives together.

Releasing his hand, Juliet reached over and pulled him in for a kiss. He was surprised by the action, but quickly relaxed into it. When they pulled back, he tilted his head slightly in obvious confusion.

"Isn't it a little early yet for the mood swings to kick in? What was that for?"

"That was for being such a wonderful husband. And I don't have any doubt that you'll be an amazing father, Shawn. The fact you're so worried about this shows your heart's in the right place."

Seeing the doubt still lingering in his eyes, she shrugged. "Besides, it's not like I had role model parents, either. We don't have to raise our family the way they did. We've always done things apart from the usual ways, this isn't any different."

His frown melted into a loving smile at her words, no doubt remembering the many times their relationship had insisted on forging new trails. Nothing had ever been simple between them. And that was part of what made Juliet certain beyond any doubt that they were for forever.

He raised her hand to his lips, kissing it softly. "Juliet Spencer O'Hara, I love you. You're my person."

She grinned, that simultaneously sweet and goofy compliment was exactly what she loved about him. "I love you, too. And now…" she added, tone growing stern. "As touched as I am by the idea that you'd be willing to take a bullet for me… if you ever do something that stupid again, I will kill you. And I've been a detective long enough to know how to hide a body."

"Duly noted."

He hopped up from the couch, offering her a hand up as well. She accepted it and let him lead her back towards the main part of the bar.

"Hey, we need to get Gus and Selene on board this whole baby train, and fast," Shawn commented as they stepped around several CSU guys bagging evidence. "Little Starfish is going to need a best buddy."

Juliet shook her head. "Shawn, we are not naming our child Starfish."

"Agree to disagree, Sweetheart."

[A/N: Yes, I kept the “You’re my person” line from the original scene. It was such a cute moment!]

fic writers out there please write a canon divergence where Juliet is actually the one who is pregnant.

i’m happy for Gus and Selene and all, but BOY DO I NEED A SHULES BABY