#They would detach with the poles' withdrawing

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Trimax Thoughts Vol. 3 Pt. 1

Some more miscellaneous thoughts. I realized it's actually more convenient to do these before any analysis because. Well. I actually haven't read this manga before. Why was I trying to do full analyses before just letting myself read it. Why am I a dumbass.

Anyways.

It's the repression my dude

(Ok but can we talk about how Wolfwood doesn't really lie and his eyes convey his emotions whether he wants it or not and he still feels strongly because that attachment keeps him going and then how Vash has had to withdraw and shove everything into a box somewhere deep inside him because he always has to maintain a distance and always has to leave aughhh)

Ohhhhh that part where Vash is able to tell exactly how many strikes are incoming... I love how he becomes really precise and calculating in a fight. It's a really great way to show the severity of a situation and his skill and experience! (Bonus points: he does this in Tristamp too - I still cannot get over the way the animators chose to have him move right before he pulls out his gun in ep 1 - I went on an unhinged ramble about that. He's always fluid and grounded. I adore those animators they did a fantastic job.)

!!! I think this is the first time we've actually seen Knives' face since the Fifth Moon Incident! ...there's something to examine in this.

Feral Wolfwood <3

Yikes. If we wanted more emphasis on the way a lot of people around Vash do not stop to consider the severity of death. The violence is so typical in this world it's treated as a scene from which one can be detached. Vash's honest distress and compassion as entertainment :(

Hey. What the fuck.

The baby with the gun would be a lot funnier if I didn't know what Leonof had to do to people to make his puppets.

SICK AND TWISTED. WTF.

Ok say what you will though but Leonof so far has been the only one of the GHG that I think actually understands the assignment. Like. Yeah, this sure is the way to fucking break the guy. What the hell.

Oh, Vash knows him? Maybe that's why Leonof knows how to hurt him so well...?

AUGH he had puppet Doc, who vouched for Vash earlier to Brad, call him a demon!!! This also means he was killed! WTF

AUGHHHH wolfwood :(((

Meryl and Milly I love you so so much

Whjfhbdsjfbhv??? Girl??????

Vash: *starts blaming himself* Luida: "no." Vash: "oh, ok." :(

Hair down Vash <3

I really love the way we find out a bit more about Vash in this chapter. Him taking Meryl and Milly to a special place that helps him relax and heal and feel closer to Rem, even if he doesn't quite tell them that's what it is. Meryl knowing it's important somehow anyways and feeling like she can see him a little more clearly. Wolfwood freaked the hell out by the idea that Vash is immortal, but instead of leaving it at his assumptions, he still goes to talk to Luida and ask questions, who immediately proceeds to emphasize how lonely yet kind he is. We learn a lot about Vash in this chapter without him actually revealing anything about himself directly - all through other people, and the impact he's made on them. And I like how even though we find out more and more the differences between human and whatever Vash actually is, we circle right back around to confirming what we already knew about him from the beginning - he's fundamentally a kind man with a lot of pain in his heart who always makes the active choice to be nice. Just. Agh.

Wolfwood, running while carting his stupid IV pole over his shoulder: "oh fuck I need to protect women (and Vash)"

Softest look I've ever seen. What.

But ohhh does this make me happy. Because he's spent this volume thinking Vash has no survival instinct because he's immortal, etc., which terrifies him because he cannot understand not fighting to survive. Vash's smile makes a comeback here, but he now understands that it's not just a mask, it is the way he fights to survive. That smile is Vash's struggle to live in the same way the violent struggle is his, and Wolfwood I think/hope is starting to realize again that the gap is not so wide between them. He's calmed enough to remember that he actually likes this guy. Augh.

[dboliklover]

Breathless Whispers - Shu

My new series. Will take a while to complete (don’t mind the fact I am STILL working on the Easter Smut series). It’s based off an ask I got and is very sinful and I implore everyone who is triggered by the following to NOT INTERACT WITH THIS SERIES. The tags will vary from each entry but “Breathless Whispers” is a SAKAMAKI BROTHERS X STEPMOTHER! READER Smut series. As such Cheating/Adultery and pseudo-incest/stepcest are always going to be included in the chapters. 

Tags for this chapter: Stepcest/pseudo-incest, cheating, NTR (Netorare) ((Karlheinz gets cucked)), dub-con (the reader believes she has feelings for Shu), dubiously-consensual implied impregnation, mentions of pregnancy, blood, and my out-of-practice smut writing skills that border on cringe, Happy sex (?) 

This is as vanilla as it’s gonna get for this series, methinks. Next chapter it’s Reiji’s turn. ;) Happy sinning ❤

WORD COUNT: 5.8K (11 pages)

___

In his life, Shu learnt to try to ignore meaningless things around him and to feel as precious little as possible - he didn’t need to feel, it added no enhancement to his life. To love was to have weakness and those he loved and cared for often ended tragically.

It was only natural that he chose to stick to himself and become a solitary creature after all that he’s been through, was it not? Solitude meant safety. Slowly but surely Shu cut as many emotions away with a metaphorical knife as he could, opting instead to be careless regarding all matters. He didn’t need anyone else, just himself. Only himself.

But there was one emotion that refused to leave, one emotion he would never allow the chance to withdraw from his heart - hatred. Pure, unadulterated loathing towards the man who caused his, his brothers’ and their mothers’ tragedies - Karlheinz. The hatred he felt was coated by a layer of would-be indifference - he knew better than to challenge the man, at least for the meanwhile - memories from the North Pole haunted him still. His father was a cruel, demanding man and Shu felt abhorrence, perhaps it did not reach the hatred felt by some other brothers but it was there and undying.

Karlheinz’s largest sin of all was the pain he caused his mother - the burdens he put onto him were a close second, however. But Beatrix’s suffering still wounded Shu to think about even after so many years had passed. The guilt instilled in him from that time flowed through his veins, unrelenting. His mother had her streaks of emotionally tormenting him but after all she merely wanted to prepare him for a difficult life ahead and Shu missed her presence as demanding as it was. And that was why when his father chose to re-marry yet again, Shu felt nothing but slight pity for the bride but regardless, he felt towards her as he did with most things; wholly indifferent. That was, of course, until he got to know the woman - he recalled the wedding day, it was a boring event and the fact his appearance had to be publicly seen bothered him for he’d much rather be doing anything but - still, he did as told and attended, albeit with minimal effort.

You made for a blushing bride, he couldn’t deny that. Glamorous appearance was hardly something he heeded though, and his father was known for choosing beautiful women as his wives - you knew nothing of the terrible fate that was bound to befall you in the coming months or years. At least all the other wives were long dead, namely Cordelia (whose torments only fed into the neglect his father served his mother, furthering her agonies) so you’d have no other competitors for Karlheinz’s horrid affections. He felt nothing for you, then. But unbeknownst to him, that detachment would not last forever and soon thereafter Karlheinz sent his bride away to live with his sons: what drove his father to such a foolish decision baffled Shu and he felt it somewhat of a ploy, another experiment to conduct. Maybe it was, but then again it only wasted time and energy to speculate on what went through Karlheinz’s mind. But you were their new stepmother, not one of their sacrificial brides; that was made clear, if unspoken. You were not their shared property but the property of the vampire king and it was to be respected, even if you had a puppet authority or no true power over them.

He avoided you at first, in his mind getting to know anyone was worthless;  and yet you persisted under the guise of ‘getting to know’ him and the others, wanting a relationship with your new stepsons. None of them really wanted a relationship with you, except for perhaps Reiji who hoped that you’d speak well of him to his father, ever-the-suckup.

You were a vampire of course, although it was surprising to learn that you were not a pureblood as they were. Karlheinz always made his decisions for a reason and he knew the reason for marrying you wasn’t love: therefore must’ve been something else entirely.

Karlheinz was incapable of love.

Gradually he found himself enjoying your attempted affections and voice - you figured out his disposition and chose to talk to him without expecting anything more than grunts and hums in return, knowing he preferred to listen to his music. Even he wasn’t sure at what point in your relationship he started to favour the sound of your melodious voice to his earphones, but it happened and he soon found himself turning down the volume as you spoke about your day if only to listen to your sweet voice far more vividly. He started to seek you out, something...unusual growing in his soul at the sight of you - he began appearing in places you were around the mansion, silently guarding you against the likes of the others (such as Laito). He liked being around you - a feeling he’d lost long ago ever since the “death” of Edgar - true companionship. But it couldn’t last perpetually, as nothing ever could, and those amicable feelings grew until they bloomed into something far darker than protectiveness towards his new stepmother and prospective friend - his heart yearned for you in the most unusual ways. It was troublesome for an overwhelming variety of reasons, primarily because he couldn’t have you. His romantic intentions soon turned to a subtle obsession. He needed to be close to you, always there - watching.

You’d always smile and greet him pleasantly, innocently - how on earth you could be so innocent after centuries’ worth of living on this earth, much less so after marrying Karlheinz, he had no clue. Your naivety and sweet nature brought him to you, made him fall into insanity because of you. It wasn’t instantaneous, things rarely were. Months went by but eventually he could no longer cope, his dreams were haunted by your form and always the exact same: you laid nude, breasts perfect and demure for him to corrupt, moaning out his name like the most delightful song from an ephemeral musical meant only for him. But when he awoke he was alone.

You tempted him without even knowing it but it was only a matter of time before it would come back to haunt you, he couldn’t be expected to have control over his instincts and needs forever and the time came when he finally snapped.

Stepmother or not, he was going to have you. In a way, it served as the most exquisite form of perceived vengeance towards that man - to steal his wife. He was hesitant about how to approach his desire to seduce you, such things were really more of Laito’s expertise, but he’d be damned if he failed to achieve his goals. You were too good for Karlheinz - a kindly thing to the point of intoxication and frustration, too pure for a vampire. He wanted to be the one to fully spoil your spirit, he wouldn’t permit his father to shatter your psyche as he did with all his previous wives. Shu was going to protect you, but in order to do that he first had to take you; claim you for himself. And that’s when he came across the most intriguing sight: your hushed moans of pleasure as your [slender/chubby/elegant] fingers stroked your glistening cunt in your private chambers - the same chambers which were supposed to be blessed in sacred matrimony if only his father hadn’t left you here all alone at the mercy of his ravenous sons. He must’ve assumed such a thing would happen sooner or later, hadn’t he? If not, then...well, Shu couldn’t help but think it his father’s loss from his own folly. “Shu.” Your angelic voice uttered his name - not his father’s, not your husband’s - but his. In your moment of unholy ecstasy, it was him on your mind; thoughts of him that edged you to your bliss. His obsessive passions were returned to him in kind, it seemed, and he couldn’t be more glad.

“Shu?” You questioned the following evening at dusk, that blossom-pink blush dusting your cheeks like an undead Aphrodite, tempting him further into his hidden lustful hunger, “Is...is everything okay? You’ve been staring at me all evening and I just wanted to ask if there’s something wrong-” He sighed, eyes half-lidded as if tired but it was his internal frustration revealed. “There is.” “Oh?” You pouted and fuck, he wanted to bruise your plump lips right there and then until they held his mark. “You really are more trouble than you’re worth,” It was a lie, of course, but he was a guarded man and his words reflected that. “Shu…? What do you mean?” The sadistic aspect of him was fuelled by the subtle distress in your eyes, however, you tried to remain calm, he’d said harsher things and you knew he scarcely ever meant them but something...something seemed so offbeat tonight. No, not just tonight - as of recently, but you couldn’t place a finger on the exact date when things began to change between you.

Your hands were down, pressed together as your thumbs nervously rubbed the other. You just wanted answers. “Heh,” He smirked, “You have no idea how alluring you are, do you?” His tired eyes stared earnestly into your soul and you felt stripped of your integrity. An innocent blush flooded your visage with lecherous embarrassment at such a sensual suggestion, sputtering out various syllables as you rushed to find your footing and speak out in protest of such an inappropriate topic between mother and son - that was what you were, related or not...you were his mother, even if merely by marriage. Guilt clogged your throat up as you thought of your own lust for your stepson, he was only slightly younger than you were and handsome beyond compare (as much as you loathed to admit it, your carnal self preferred Shu’s indescribable silent grace and steely blue eyes to the snowy tresses of his father) and disgust for yourself stung you deeper than a knife dipped in holy water - had he...witnessed your acts of depravity in your chambers? Did he know? “S-Shu, I...I don’t know what you mean,” You were drowning, unable to form proper words, “Don’t.” He cut you off before you could deny what you both knew at that moment. You weren’t as innocent and proper as you made yourself out to be. As you wished to be. No, you were a creature of tainted prurience and Shu was more than happy to play into your fantasies. You paled and nodded, if you were human your heart would’ve surely been palpitating by now. Fear wholly consumed you - would he be disgusted by you - no, he would’ve made that clear by now. Shu hid his thoughts and feelings from others but if he’d felt abhorrent disgust he wouldn’t have chosen to speak to you or indeed even be around you, you trusted that truth if nothing else. But then there was only one explanation for his demeanour, one that made you clench your thighs tight as you stood before him, a woman. He stood from his seat, no longer laying on the windowsill. “You’ve been a terrible wife,” Tears of crimson welled in your eyes while your knees felt weak but you nodded, ashamed. “Yes.” “And a filthy mother,” His harsh breath on your ear and neck made you whimper, “Y...yes,” You stuttered out with another whimpering moan, “Shu please don’t toy with me, I’m sorry I-” Without another sound escaping your painted lips you felt the amorous pressure of your stepson’s kiss, disclosing the intense emotions he returned for you. Your mind screamed at you for your sins and yet you were both inhuman creatures; Perpetuity of faithfulness was boresome and your husband had done little but ignore you and your hopes for a good life. Shu, however, had been there since the beginning of your marriage - even if you’d started out as nothing more than his father’s wife - now you were so much more, immensely more. Your knees buckled as you gave into the kiss, unable to avoid your feelings for him a second longer - you needed him just like this and he needed you too.

Human or not, the inherent wrongness burned your flesh and chest. You’d tried to be a good wife but your husband had practically abandoned you here with his sons bred for him by other women, he’d left you here and did little to even write to you. Loneliness was an obvious side-effect and it was only a matter of time before you would’ve fallen into another’s arms. But your debauchery brought you right into his son’s embrace. A terrible wife indeed.

Shu devoured your moans, swallowing your lust and increasing his own as his ample size grew in the confinements of his pants. “Fuck,” He huffed out as you pulled away from him, blinking. Your thighs burned with a need only he could satisfy. A shy hand wandered down his body towards his growing erection, stroking it from the fabric of his pants. Your efforts were rewarded by the sound of his deep groans. How long had it been since anyone touched you like this? Since you’d been able to make someone feel unutterable pleasure - since anyone made you feel wanted? You had slept with Karlheinz only a couple of times and he failed to sate your inner hunger as Shu was doing with only kisses and loving groans. “You’re playing with fire,” He breathed out, staring at you and sealing you in place. “I...know,” You swallowed thickly, “P-please, I...I need-” “What do you need, whore?” His teasing words of degradation made you feel alive, you were the object of his uttermost attention. His lips traced your neck, licking and gnawing but never piercing, fangs flying over the tender flesh. “You.” The certainty in your otherwise meek voice nearly made him burst right there. He was done restraining himself, pearly fangs sharper than needles pierced your neck as Shu drank the sweet nectar beneath. Your pleasured moans filled the hallways of the Sakamaki manor and he prayed his brothers could hear you wherever they were knowing that he won you. And he was going to keep you. You were going to no longer be just his stepmother - you would be his woman.

The blood, thick and plentiful, dripped down your neck. The droplets were not wasted as his tongue gathered them before they could drip onto the marble flooring. Shu was going to get addicted to this taste - your taste - he was sure of it. This was what you were made for; to belong to him. As he did this you toyed with his pants, unzipping them and releasing his erect cock from its prison, letting it spring free, wet with precum. “Oh fuck,” You whimpered at the sensation, pumping up and down his length. You wanted this, you wanted him so badly. You could feel yourself slowly dripping with clenched thighs. This was wrong - it was revolting - but you couldn’t stop the heat inside you, your inner desires. On your quest to befriend your sons you inadvertently ended up falling in love with one of them and never before had you longed to be held by someone as you did when you were with him.  

You wanted to be his, no one else’s. But you couldn’t be, for you already were a taken woman; despite the truth, you wanted to succumb to your immorality; to pretend that, for tonight alone, you were his.

Once he pulled away from your neck Shu chuckled lowly, “You’re such a lewd slut, mother.” You cringed at the name, reminding yourself of the positions between you two and, for a short-lived second, you attempted to pull away except the moment you did he caged in on you, back shoved against the wall with burning eyes glaring at you. “But you’re going to be my slut from now on.” his breath hitched as your hand movements sped up, blushing crimson from your wicked sensuality. You were loving this, in all its sinfulness. “Y-Yes,” You choked out submissively as you brought him to his edge, creamy cum coating your hand and sinking into the fabric of your dress, physically tainting you. It drove you wild.

The sight of you in front of him, dress dripping with his cum made him hard almost instantly as he ordered you to strip for him after he grabbed your arm and pulled you into the empty music room - he didn’t want to be interrupted by any of his bothersome brothers.

“Strip for me.”

You nodded and bit down harshly on your lip, droplets of blood still flowing from your neck at the open puncture wound, staining the white semen-soaked fabric as you unzipped the back and slowly released your hold on it as it fell down your form until you were exposed in only your undergarments, intimate and raw. This was incredibly embarrassing and yet, for him...you didn’t mind humiliating yourself. You were convinced of it, now: you were in love with him. Soft hands twirled around to unclip your bra, feeling as though it wasn’t merely your body which you were exposing to him but your very being as your breasts bounced free from the cups’ confinements, bra forgotten as you threw it down onto the floor, not caring about anything else but him. ‘Don’t do this’, your sanity pleaded but whatever morality may have existed in the cage of your heart was extinguished with a single gaze into his yearning eyes. If you didn’t do this the lack of his touch on your skin would surely drive you insane. You just wanted to be loved, cherished and used.

You were married - and although that sentiment alone should have been enough to snap you out of this sexual haze you were trapped in, it did little to sway your lust-filled judgement. Swallowing nervously your fingers dipped below the strips of your panties, sliding down your silky thighs, pride consumed you as you watched his subtle but intense reactions, the way his thick member twitched in anticipation made you feel powerful for the first time in your life. You couldn’t wait to feel him inside you. “Come here,” He growled, making you squeal as you nodded like a good little whore and fell onto your knees, crawling over to him - you felt like putting on a show for him, filled with risque concupiscence. If your husband was to ever find out you feared the consequences and despite the dangers, it drove you further into the arms of his eldest son to consider how taboo, how wrong such a union was. There was something unspokenly intimate about this. An intimacy from which you never wished to awaken. As soon as you were at his feet you admired his cock, glistening from residue cum in the moonlight. “Oh God,” You were about to cross a border from which you could never return and it turned you on profoundly to think about how your relationship would develop from here. Opening your mouth, you took his length inside your warmth, (e/c) eyes staring up at him like a sweet gazelle, pumping your head up and down and twisting your tongue around him as you sucked his member with a fierce determination to please. He believed this was the closest to heaven he would ever be; you, his personal fallen angel at his feet, his cock in your mouth.

Shu thought you were perfect just like this; doing all the work as you fucked your mouth on his cock, giving him your all as he sat back, eyes fluttering shut to focus on the pleasure you were providing. You were so good for him, such a pretty girl. Such an ideal woman, his woman. Further lewd commentary fell from his lips as he prompted you on. He wanted you on your knees for him each night, and you would be. He would make sure that things would stay this way forever now he was so close to having you all to himself. Even if it meant having to fight against his father, even if it meant the most intensive of efforts and having to use all the energy he had stored in his muscles - though he’d never utter it aloud, for you he would do anything.

Even if the only way to keep you would be to commit patricide. You were worth it. Just before his release, he pulled your head back by gripping your hair forcefully causing a pained yell to escape from you, your voice full of physical anguish that set off a primal need within his chest. “That’s enough.” He then lifted your chin to look him in the eyes, “Ride me.” You gulped back the juices in your mouth and shakily stood as your thighs were flooded with slick. “Y-Yes I…” You blushed vehemently as you aligned yourself with his cock, sucking in a sharp hiss as you felt the heat of it against your burning cunt. “I want you to make me yours.” Instantly you sat down, thighs clenched as your walls adjusted to the intrusion, making you cry out in ecstasy. Did you seriously almost orgasm simply from having his length inside of you? You couldn’t be blamed - not when your husband had neglected you. But it was going to be all better now that Shu was here to help you. Just as a good stepson should. “Fuck,” He gasped out quietly, breath falling from his chest. You were so fucking tight he could’ve potentially fooled himself into believing you were still virginal. That was, of course, until he reminded himself that his father stole that honour for himself and elicited underlying rage in Shu. With the buck of his hips he drove himself inside you as you cried out his name, holding tightly onto him, arms tied around his neck as you rode him, clumsily moving your hips and revealing your sexual inexperience to him; the knowledge that his father didn’t seem to take any time cherishing your body like this, lewd and sinful, eased him somewhat because it meant he could be the one to make you completely lose your mind and become his perfect little whore.

Maybe he’d even make you his wife, along the way.

His arms held your waist and he lazily guided the movement of your hips. You were insatiable, rapid. He could tell you wanted to go faster but his strong hands consistently ceased your attempts - he was going to force you to take your time, to truly feel the way his cock filled your insides, to ensure your walls would take the shape of his dick.

He wanted you to know that he was superior to his father, that no one could ever please you better. He never felt so attached to anyone prior to you, you did something to him. Something dark. Enchanting. And he was never going to let you go after this. By giving your body to him, you have given yourself in your totality.

Even if you didn’t know it quite yet, or didn’t fully apprehend the consequences sex with him would bring.

Your whines became far more desperate with each blunt thrust. Slow, steady but forceful; Shu’s cock reached into the deepest parts of you, lovingly rubbing your cunt. It was indisputable that he was focused on your enjoyment as much as he was on his - it wasn’t anything like what sex with Karlheinz was like, he was self-gratifying and solely cared about his own high, Shu (much to your surprise) paid attention to your smallest reactions to ensure this was as great for you as it was for him. His fingers delved below and started to mercilessly torment your clit, electricity flying through your spine and cunt clenching as more love juices were produced, soaking his cock and helping to lubricate the thrusts.

He wanted to show you how mindblowing sex with him could be, to show you he could love you in ways no one else ever could. In the eyes of his brothers, especially in Reiji and Ayato’s point-of-view, he was the one who got everything; the golden, careless heir. But they did not and would never understand that he had everything he didn’t want. His entire life the things he truly yearned for were stolen from him, his happiness, his innocence, his friends and beloved companions of human and animal kind; destroyed, ruined, killed. It reared his indifference to the material goods he possessed for they held absolutely no value of their own. And now there was you. You, you, you. Sakamaki Shu knew that, without a single shred of disbelief, he would happily give up all of this if it meant he got to keep you. All the wealth and grandeur and power that his position brought was worthless in comparison to his beloved whore whimpering above him as she impaled herself on his cock.

“S-Shu,” You moaned out into his ear, “Fa...faster, please,” You choked back spit as you made feeble attempts to catch your breath, the intense friction between your joined bodies making it difficult to think. It wasn’t as rough or primal as you initially thought it would be like, it was...better than that, intimate. Was this what they mean when they say sex can be ‘making love’? This closeness between bodies as they become one, the heat and passion in the air and bouncing breasts and thighs clasped around one’s lover? It wasn’t fucking - it was so much more. A proclamation of love, even, though you could never dare and utter that belief out loud. His self-satisfied comments, “Hm,” He playfully paused completely, making your eyes widen as you stared at him with desperation for him to continue, to let you reach your climax. Your nails scratched his back like a needy brat as you cried out pleas, “Please - please Shu, I need you to keep going I-” You swallowed thickly, blinking wildly as your core ached without movement and he kept your hips down, unable to fuck yourself on his dick regardless of how hard you tried. “Say you love me.” “W-What?” You gasped out, sweaty and needy but with enough common sense to know that saying something like that to him - even if it was true - would seal a secret deal between lovers, it would open all the nightmares of your very own Pandora’s Box.

But you loved him - you did, somewhere along the way you became enamoured by your stepson and now he was inside of you, fucking you with a tenderness that made you sure that he must love you, too. “I…” You smiled weakly, genuinely. You pulled back ever-so-slightly, (e/c) eyes sinking into his. There was a vulnerability in his eyes that he was finally permitting you to see; he trusted you with his heart, you could see that now. Your hand stroked his cheek, his hard dick still throbbing inside of you (you knew he wanted to keep going but held himself back, resolved to get what he wanted out of you). He melted into the caress, your hands were soft as angel feathers. “I am in love with you, Sakamaki Shu.” Despite the arousal that filled your mind you earnestly tried to convey the true depth of your affections for him and it seemed to awaken the beast of passion as he soon started to bounce you up and down his thick, throbbing member at a speed only vampires could achieve, determined to claim your womb for his own.

It wasn’t hard to notice your maternal longings, your desire to baby the boys despite their inherent aggression towards you all but proved it. And if was a baby you wanted, well...who was he to deny you of that right? His hushed grunts only sent you further into ecstasy - You had the power of feminine sexuality over him and it gave you somewhat of a power rush. It was paradise - not worthless fucking like animals - but true divinity here in his arms, where you felt appreciated and loved and as though you finally had a raison d’etre - You wanted to be his so badly it caused you physical anguish but you were his if only for the moment, connected to him so snugly. “I love you,” You sobbed out as tears welled in your eyes from the intense satisfaction and your own emotions coming to the surface, “I love you, I love you,” Each word sent Shu into a brand new dimension of rapture. You loved him, you loved him - more than anyone else in this world. If binding your bodies together didn’t officially make you his your whimpering confessions just did. The urge to impregnate you with his seed only grew with every passing moment as you mechanically moved in perfect timing to his thrusts, nails once again clawing at his flesh. “That’s a-” He inhaled sharply, stopping mid-moan, “That’s a good girl,” He breathed heavily, you felt so perfect on his dick, his personal cockslut, the love of his life, stepmother and soon; the mother of his children. “F-Fuck you’re going to look...fucking amazing,” He sighed out as he felt your fluttering walls try their hardest to milk him, “When you’re swollen with my troublesome brats, heh…” He could only smugly smile at your immediate reaction to the statement being to clunch down on him, tightening as if your womb was begging him to cum inside, to fertilise your pussy and breed you over and over. “Pregnant?” You exhaled out, teary-eyed as you locked your eyes with him, fucked out to the high heavens with sweat causing your hair to stick to your reddened forehead and lipstick smudged with perky, puffed lips. “Yo-You want to get me pregnant…?” The timidity of your voice betrayed your excitement. Logically you wanted to escape, to push him away and scold him for even suggesting such a thing - you couldn’t become pregnant with his child! It was atrocious enough that you were currently having this affair with him, your stepson, but to be bred by him was in a category all of its own - truly disgusting.

No matter how much your husband neglected you he didn’t deserve to for his wife to not only cheat on him with his own son but to be inseminated by him - but the inner beast within you was wanton, a silent whisper in your mind that tried to persuade you to surrender fully to your hopes for motherhood, to allow this man in front of you, this beautiful vampiric prince, to fill you with his seed and claim you as his bitch, his bride; to be stolen from the man you originally wed and live your eternity as Shu’s whore. “I-...we can’t, Shu! We-” Morals renewed, you tried to get through to him, “Please-” “Shut up.” He ordered and you instantly did as told, being the good girl that you were. “Don’t lie to me. You’re loving the-” He moaned, “-idea of...of my children growing inside of you. I felt you tighten up at the notion, you’re such a fucking lewd woman. My lewd slut.” You hated yourself because you knew he was right; it was true. You wanted this so badly, to give birth to his kin, to feel your uterus painted white with his cum. Primal needs craved relief. “No, we...we can’t, I...don’t…” You choked on your words as he kissed you roughly, his thumb on your clit twirling and pulling until you were unable to form anything more coherent than mindless stutters. “S-Shu! Fuck, fuck, fuck I...I...I love you! I do! I do, please I just...I want-” “What do you want, pretty whore?” “...I want, I w….want your cum! I need it, I need you to fill me up and get me pregnant!” The last remainder of your will crumbled under the pressure of your sudden orgasm. ‘I’m so sorry, Karl…’ you thought bitterly as amazement overtook you, making you screech in the midst of the night in the moonlight, squeezing the lifeforce out of your stepson’s dick. Shu groaned and laughed in dark victory as you came undone around him, biting into his neck instinctively mid-orgasm. The sharp sensation was enough to push him completely over the edge.

Your tongue lapped over his neck, sipping the blood that flowed with delicious fervour as the heat of his semen poured into your deepest depths, coating your womb with his lust. Once you pulled away you felt almost faint from the intensity of your love-making, concupiscence fading as the realisation of what you just did hit you in full force, causing your eyes to open. “Shu..oh fuck, I...we...just--” You squealed and tried to hop off but he kept your hips forced down, still inside your leaking cunt despite slowly growing soft. “No.” Shu was serious, now, eyes grave. “You’re not running away. You,” He exhaled, bringing your lips closer to his, “Are mine.” “Shu-” The distance between your lips was closed as he fought with your tongue. Your heart yearned to return his kiss and despite the inner war ongoing within your soul you did, tongues dancing in the warmth of your mouth. When he pulled away he smiled.

And you felt yourself smile too, hand travelling to the spot below your stomach but above your cunt. “You’re mine now, troublesome woman.” You laughed, nodding and kissed him again. The conflict within you wouldn’t fade, and you were terrified of what might happen now to yourself and to Shu. But maybe it won’t be that bad. It was only one time - you can surely find some form of birth control to ingest before the next time, and he’d never have to know. It was...one time, so you shouldn’t get pregnant this time...right?

Somehow you felt proud - proud to have his cum flowing from your core, to know it’s his seed that potentially is currently fertilising you and not your husband’s. You did feel authentically guilty but the guilt made you more aroused. Karlheinz didn’t deserve...this and despite that here you were, and the worst part was you knew you wouldn’t be able to stop anytime soon, there was no point in vowing to yourself that this would be the ‘last time’ because you knew that the moment he came inside you you were already addicted to him. The child of your lover...realistically it was an awful, unspeakable idea but a sense within you wanted to go through with it, to allow yourself fertility, to fully become his.

Little did you know you would have no choice in the matter.

[fictionalcharactertypings]

Zuko (Avatar: The Last Airbender): ISFP

Requested by Anon.

Nicknamed The Adventurer, ISFPs are flexible and spontaneous individuals who thrive off making connections with other people and new ideas. ISFPs often feel the need to examine the world through new perspectives until they find the one that feels true to them. Despite their sense of adventure, ISFPs are definitely introverted, and often withdraw from conversation, however, they often use this time for introspection, to reassess and evaluate their own moral values, and who they are at their core. ISFPs are very attuned to the present, more so than the future, making them risk-takers, which often pays off.

However, ISFPs can also be independent to a fault in their search to be their true selves, unpredictable in their spontaneity, easily stressed and overwhelmed, and have fluctuating self-esteem.

Zuko is not so much a nurturing, parental ISFP (like Willow from The Owl House), rather, he exhibits the deep introspection, questioning of the world, and sense of adventure that the type has, and his arc is all about figuring out who he truly is (he speaks about his destiny numerous times, the one I can think of is in Day of the Black Sun, when he confronts his father.)Zuko is always wondering about his true self, and looking for deeper meaning inside of himself, so much so that it even has a physical affect on him when he loses his sense of this meaning (in The Earth King.) He often spends lots of time figuring out his personal interpretation of the world around him. When Zuko detaches from those around him, it’s often so that he can consider the deeper meaning of something (when he splits up from Iroh in the beginning of Book 2, he ends up reflecting on his childhood.) Zuko is also very independent, and rarely swayed by the opinions of others, which can be a good or a bad thing (such as when he speaks up at the war meeting, even though that ended badly for him, or, in a more negative light, every time he refuses to take advice, which is a lot.) Zuko can also be restless, and is rarely content to sit around when there is adventure to be had (remember how annoyed he was in The Beach.) He takes no shortage of enormous risks, even when it’s not in his best interests (dressing up as the Blue Spirit, infiltrating the North Pole, trying to steal Appa from Lake Laogai, etc.) When unhealthy, he can also be overwhelmed by self-doubt and emotions, and push away those around him in his attempts to be true to himself (like in The Blue Spirit, when he shoots fire at Aang, even though Aang just saved his life, because not shooting fire at him would conflict with Zuko’s idea of who he is.)

Cognitive Functions:

Fi (Introverted Feeling), Se (Extroverted Sensing), Ni (Introverted Intuition), Te (Extroverted Thinking)

Dominant Introverted Feeling:

Introverted Feeling is associated with inner values, following one’s own moral compass, doing what feels right to them, as opposed to following the crowd. Fi users do not need validation from others, only to know that they are doing what feels right to them.

Zuko has dominant Fi, which means that his Fi is unconscious, and instinctive. Zuko’s entire arc is about getting his Fi in line, and he is only truly happy when he joins Team Avatar, finally taking the actions that align with his moral values. Whether he knows it or not, he’s always searching to do what feels right to him, even when everyone around him says to do otherwise. A great example of this is when he spoke out at the war meeting, something nothing but his own moral compass told him to do. Even at 13, Zuko demonstrated a strong tendency to trust his personal moral code above all else. This is usually good, but it also means that, should Zuko’s motivations become corrupt, there’s very little that can talk him out of doing something, as ISFPs don’t always think things through, and often trust no one but themselves. This is how Zuko acts for most of Book 1.

Auxiliary Extroverted Sensing:

Extroverted Sensing is generally associated with the five senses, and complete absorption in the physical world around us, as opposed to the abstract concepts.

Zuko has auxiliary Se, which means it’s conscious, but still comes fairly easily to him. Zuko is very much always absorbed in the present moment and what he’s doing at any given times, which is why he often only comes up with half of a plan (like in Lake Laogai.) He cares more about what’s happening in the real world at any given moment than any metaphorical worries about the future (which is why he often has no patience for Iroh’s metaphors.) He’s very heavily focused on what’s going on, such as when he triggers the trap in The Firebending Masters, and says “At least I made something happen!” Zuko’s Se also improves his fighting skills, as it makes him more aware of his opponents’ movements during a fight.

Tertiary Introverted Intuition:

Introverted Intuition deals primarily with using personal insights and experiences, making connections inside your head to come to a conclusion about why something is the way it is and where it is going.

Zuko’s Ni is tertiary, meaning that it’s conscious, but sometimes gives him trouble. The best example of this is when he’s learning just how wrong the Fire Nation is in their imperialism. Through his own experiences, he slowly makes connections in the back of his mind, until the fully-formed conclusion about the scale of the Fire Nation’s destruction, and why it’s so terrible, emerges at the forefront of his mind. This does take him a while, and he often turns a blind eye to his insights, but he does eventually get there.

Inferior Extroverted Thinking:

Extroverted Thinking primarily deals with using logic and reasoning to make quick, efficient decisions. It’s all about looking at the world around you, and seeing what will help you reach your goal the most efficiently.

Zuko has inferior Te, which means that it’s often his biggest weakness, or “blind spot.” This makes sense. Zuko isn’t stupid by any means, but he’s far more likely to make decisions based on his gut feeling than using logic at all, to a point where he often acts recklessly (like trying to fight his sister and an entire army of Dai Li agents at the end of Book 2.) However, Te is still a part of Zuko’s cognitive function stack, and we see him using it while chasing Aang in Book 1. A good example of Te is using his ship as a smoke screen (using the world around him to achieve his goals.) However, he also doesn’t think that plan through, making his Te still inferior.

Looping Fi and Ni:

Under stress, people can “loop” their first and third functions, losing sight of their second.

When looping Fi and Ni, Zuko loses his connection with the real world, and becomes too caught up in his abstract ideas and emotions, which causes him problems.

This shows up when Zuko cuts himself off from those around him, most often in Book 1, purely for the purpose of wallowing in his own emotions. He will often be consumed by the hopelessness of his tasks, without taking any different steps to implement his goals. This also shows up in The Beach, when Zuko becomes so wrapped up in his insecurity and theories about Mai and the other boys at the party that he loses touch with what’s really happening.

To fix this, Zuko needs to get in touch with his auxiliary Se, and remember what’s really going on in the present at any given moment, instead of getting too lost in his own emotions. A good example of this is when he takes concrete steps to leave the Fire Nation in Book 3, instead of just wallowing in his inner conflict.

Grip Stress:

People can also develop a “grip” on their inferior function when stressed, when they rely on it too much. Zuko’s inferior function is Te.

Zuko demonstrates grip stress a lot throughout Book 1, when he is far more focused on what is efficient and what will work towards his goals than what feels morally right to him. This hurts not only himself, but everyone around him, as he becomes ruthless in his pursuit of his goals.

Zuko’s Quotes:

“Why am I so bad at being good?!”

“I’m never happy.”

“I don’t need any calming tea!”

“Growing up, we were taught that the Fire Nation was the greatest civilization in history. And somehow, the War was our way of sharing that greatness with the rest of the world. What an amazing lie that was. The people of the world are terrified by the Fire Nation. They don’t see our greatness. They hate us! And we deserve it!”

“I know my own destiny.”

“You can’t sacrifice an entire division like that! Those soldiers love and defend our nation! How can you betray them?!”

[legendary-defender-of-fandoms]

Predicting the Next Avatar

Part 1 - Nationality

Assuming that all the nonsense that went down during Harmonic Convergence (UnaVaatu ripping Raava out of Korra, then beating her out of existence, Spirit Korra pulling the reformed Raava out of UnaVaatu’s core, Korra & Raava re-fusing just as Harmonic Convergence ended, etc.) didn’t screw up the Avatar cycle, the next Avatar has to be an Earth Kingdom citizen. I really hope the Cycle is intact, because it would be kind of boring if every Avatar after Korra was a Southern Waterbender, and too confusing if they can literally be born into any Nation at random.

Part 2 - Gender

According to statistics, the chances of the Avatar being born male or female are equal. However, there appear to have been more male Avatars than female Avatars, with multiple cases of back-to-back male Avatars but no spotted cases of back-to-back female Avatars. Therefore, I believe it’s safe to predict that the Avatar after Korra will be born a male.

Part 3 - Place of Birth

I’ve noticed with the few Avatars we know about, they tend to be born in a location where they were happy in a previous life. Avatar Roku started his Avatar training in the Southern Air Temple & befriended a young student named Gyatso, and when he died his spirit was reincarnated in the Southern Air Temple as Gyatso’s ward Aang. And it’s safe to assume that Aang spent a LOT of time in the Southern Water Tribe after the Hundred Year War, bonding with Katara’s people and raising his own family, so it’s no wonder her was reincarnated in the South Pole as Korra. But for Korra, predicting the birthplace of her next reincarnation is a bit more tricky. She spent a lot of time in Republic City, which is technically located on the outskirts of the Earth Kingdom, but if she perceived it as a separate nation it may be out of the running. And even when she was in Republic City, she was technically living outside the city on Air Temple Island. The only place in the Earth Kingdom proper where Korra seemed genuinely happy & at peace was Zaofu. So, given the choice between a random borough in Republic City or Zaofu, Raava will probably gravitate towards Zaofu.

Part 4 - Personality (aka Avatar Roasting Hour)

I’m not the first to notice this (but I lost the name of the person who originally posted the theory, but every Avatar’s personality seems to be partially based on compensating for a perceived flaw in their immediate predecessor. Let’s run through the few Avatars we know.

Avatar Yangchen, an Air Nomad, tried to remain detached from both humans and Spirits so she could impartial while resolving conflicts. But her detachment could be interpreted as being cold or unfeeling, and she probably felt lonely or tired of dealing with everyone else’s drama.

Avatar Kuruk, a Southern Waterbender, could be considered the People’s Avatar. He didn’t meddle in the affairs of others, and was just looking for a good time. But his carefree attitude led to rising tensions in the Spirit World, culminating with his fiancé being kidnapped & tortured by Koh, the Face Stealer.

Avatar Kyoshi was a Bad. Ass. Mutha. Fucker! She has the longest lifespan of any Avatar (230 years) and oversaw the longest period of peace. If there was some smart-ass warlord thinking he could take over the world, she was there in half a second ready to bitch-slap him into the planet’s core. In a lot of ways, she was kind of like Kuvira. But, like Kuvira, her determination & dedication to bringing about peace at any cost could be seen as ruthlessness or tyranny. She saved the Earth Kingdom from the reign of Chin the Conqueror, but the descendants of his forces still hate her for killing him. And if the citizens of Ba Sing Se knew she created the Dai Li, Aang & Korra would’ve been slain the moment they crossed the Outer Wall.

Avatar Roku was definitely a more merciful Avatar than Kyoshi, sparing Fire Lord Sozin despite the attempted murder & unsactioned conquest of Earth Kingdom territory. But his mercy could be seen as Avatar impotence, since he didn’t stop Sozin’s conquest so much as delay it. Hell, he didn’t even make Sozin withdraw his troops from Yu Dao, the oldest Fire Nation Colony.

Avatar Aang was able to spread peace by finding creative solutions & striking a careful balance between Kyoshi’s “comply or die” methodology and Roku’s faith in the Honor System. Thanks to his guidance, the Four Nations became connected like never before. However, he probably went to his grave regretting the 100 years of war, genocide, and chaos that ensued while he was frozen in an iceberg. He didn’t cause the war, and I doubt he could’ve stopped it if he had been around, but we all know he blamed himself for the slaughter of the Air Nomads. And some part of him may have believed that, had he accepted his role as Avatar sooner, the world could’ve been saved without putting his friends & loved ones in danger.

This brings us to Avatar Korra. From the moment she was born, Korra was ready to OWN her Avatar title, as seen here (https://youtu.be/ta7TV68ff3c). She met every challenge head-on and never backed down. But her confidence could be seen as cockiness, and her desire to be the Avatar led to a lot of unhealthy behavior. You could easily break her character arcs down into three categories of thought; “Of course I can do this, I’m the Goddamn Avatar,” “Why the Hell can’t I do this, I’m the Goddamn Avatar,” and “Who am I if I’m not the Goddamn Avatar.” On top of that, she had a hard time working with others. Heads of state, her parents, members of her own tribe, Spirits, close friends, even her Pro-Bending teammates - she’d butt heads with everyone and anyone who tried to tell her what to do because, again, she’s the Goddamn Avatar.

Given Korra’s greatest character flaws (headstrong, cocky, insecurities tied to her identity as the Avatar), we can predict that her next incarnation’s personality would try to compensate. Instead of headstrong and cocky, he may be humble & caring. He may not be eager to embrace the title of Avatar, but he’ll know who he is & know he’s more than a title or the ability to control all 4 elements. He’ll work well with others, being open to help & willing to compromise. But he won’t be a complete wet blanket - he’ll stand his ground on important issues.

In Conclusion

Given all the information we have for past Avatars, I feel confident in predicting the next Avatar will be a boy Earthbender born in Zaofu. He will be compassionate, a team player, and will fight for the people instead of for his own glory. He won’t initially embrace his Avatar title, but he will do whatever it takes to maintain peace & balance in the world.

In other words, the next Avatar is Hunk.

[jerdle-typology]

Enneagram 5

The Five in Profile

Healthy: Observe everything with extraordinary perceptiveness and insight. Are mentally alert, curious, have a searching intelligence: nothing escapes their notice. Display foresight and prediction abilities. Able to concentrate: become engrossed in what has caught their attention. / Attain skillful mastery of whatever interests them. Excited by knowledge: often become expert in some field. Innovative and inventive, producing extremely valuable, original works. Highly independent, idiosyncratic, and whimsical. At Their Best: Become visionaries, broadly comprehending the world while penetrating it profoundly. Open-minded, take things in whole, in their true context. Make pioneering discoveries and find entirely new ways of doing and perceiving things.

Average: Begin conceptualizing everything before acting—working things out in their minds: model building, preparing, practicing, gathering resources. Studious, acquiring technique. Become specialized and often “intellectual”: involvement in research, scholarship, and building theories. / Increasingly detached as they become involved with complicated ideas or imaginary worlds. Become preoccupied with their visions and interpretations rather than reality. Are fascinated by offbeat, esoteric subjects, even those involving dark and disturbing elements. Detached from the practical world, a “disembodied mind,” although high-strung and intense. / Begin to take an antagonistic stance toward anything which would interfere with their inner world and personal vision. Become provocative and abrasive, with intentionally extreme and radical views. Cynical and argumentative.

Unhealthy: Become reclusive and isolated from reality, eccentric and nihilistic. Highly unstable and fearful of aggressions: they reject and repulse others and all social attachments. / Get obsessed with yet frightened by their threatening ideas, becoming horrified, delirious, and prey to gross distortions and phobias. / Seeking oblivion, they may commit suicide or have a psychotic break with reality. Deranged, explosively self-destructive, with schizophrenic overtones.

Key Motivations: Want to be capable and competent, to master a body of knowledge and skill, to explore reality, to remain undisturbed by others, to reduce their needs.

Examples: Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Friedrich Nietzsche, Stanley Kubrick, Georgia O'Keeffe, Emily Dickinson, Simone Weil, Bill Gates, Jean-Paul Sartre, Jacob Bronowski, James Joyce, Gary Larson, David Lynch, Stephen King, Tim Burton, Clive Barker, Laurie Anderson, Meredith Monk, John Cage, Glenn Gould, Charles Ives, Bobby Fischer, and Vincent van Gogh.

AN OVERVIEW OF THE FIVE

The connection between genius and madness has long been debated. These two states are really poles apart, the opposite ends of the personality spectrum. The genius is someone who fuses knowledge with insight into the nature of reality, someone who has the ability to see things with utter clarity and with awe-inspiring comprehension. What separates the genius from the madman is that the genius, in addition to extraordinary insights, has the ability to see them correctly, within their context. The genius perceives patterns which are actually present, whereas the madman imposes patterns, projecting erroneous perceptions onto every circumstance. The genius may sometimes seem to be out of touch with reality, but only because he or she operates at a more profound level. The madman, however, is truly out of touch with reality, having nothing but delusions to substitute for it.

The Five is the personality type which most exemplifies these extremes. In the Five, we see the genius and the madman, the innovator and intellectual, the mildly eccentric crackpot and the deeply disturbed delusional schizoid. To understand how these widely diverse states are part of the same personality type is to understand the Five.

In the Thinking Triad

Fives are members of the Thinking Triad. Their potential problem results from the fact that they emphasize thinking over doing, becoming intensely involved with their thoughts. Fives think so much that their mental world becomes all-engrossing, virtually to the exclusion of everything else. This is not to say that Fives do nothing at all, but that they are more at home in their minds, viewing the world from a detached vantage point, than they are in the world of action.

All three members of the Thinking Triad—Fives, Sixes, and Sevens—focus their attention on the world outside themselves. This may seem to contradict the statement that Fives are engrossed in their thoughts, but it actually does not. Fives focus their attention on the external world for a variety of reasons, one of the most important of which is that the material they think about comes through their sense perceptions—the accuracy of which they can never be completely sure of because they are not certain about what lies outside themselves. The only thing they know with certainty is their own thoughts. Hence, the focus of their attention is outward, on the environment, while identifying with their thoughts about the environment. The source of many of their problems is their need to find out how their perceptions of the world square with reality so that they can act in it—and do things with confidence.

Problems with Security and Anxiety

Like the other two members of the Thinking Triad, average Fives tend to have problems with insecurity because they fear that the environment is unpredictable and potentially threatening. Further, they feel powerless to defend themselves against the world’s many dangers: they believe they are not capable of functioning as well as others and so make it their number one priority to acquire the skills and knowledge they feel are necessary for them to be able to operate adequately in life.

Their Basic Fear, of being helpless and incapable, influences their behavior in significant ways. Fives believe that their personal resources and capacities are limited, so they respond to their anxiety by downscaling their activities and needs. The more anxious they feel, the more they minimize their needs. While this can be a sensible approach to problems at times, anxious Fives may reduce themselves to living in extremely primitive conditions in order to allay their fears of inadequacy. Naturally, given this orientation, Fives feel easily overwhelmed by others’ needs as well, and try to avoid situations in which others will expect more from them than they feel able to give. As their fears increase, Fives begin to “shrink away” from the world and from connections with others.

When Fives are healthy, they are able to observe reality as it is and are able to comprehend complex phenomena at a glance because they are participating in life and testing their perceptions. In their search for security, however, the perceptions of even average Fives tend to become skewed. Their thinking becomes more convoluted, elaborate, and increasingly fueled by anxiety. As they withdraw from the world, it only heightens their fears that they cannot cope with it. Eventually, even basic living requirements seem overwhelming and frightening. And if they become unhealthy, Fives are the type of persons who cut themselves off from most human contact. Once isolated, they develop their eccentric ideas to such absurd extremes that they become obsessed with completely distorted notions about themselves and reality. Ultimately, unhealthy Fives become utterly terrified and trapped by the threatening visions which they have created in their own minds.

Their problem with anxiety, one of the issues common to the personality types of the Thinking Triad, is related to their difficulty with perceiving reality objectively. They are afraid of allowing anyone or anything to influence them or their thoughts. Because they doubt their own ability to do, they fear that others’ agendas will overwhelm them or that people who are more powerful than they are will control or possess them. Ironically, however, even average Fives are not unwilling to be possessed by an idea, as long as the idea has originated with them. Nothing must be allowed to influence their thinking lest their developing sense of confidence be diminished, although by relying solely on their own ideas and perceptions, and without testing them in the real world, Fives can become profoundly out of touch with reality.

The upshot of this is that average to unhealthy Fives are uncertain whether or not their perceptions of the environment are valid. They do not know what is real and what is the product of their minds. They project their anxiety-ridden thoughts and their aggressive impulses into the environment, becoming fearful of the antagonistic forces which seem to be arrayed against them. They gradually become convinced that their peculiar and increasingly dark interpretation of reality is the way things really are. In the end, they become so terrorized that they cannot act even though they are consumed by anxiety.

The basis of their orientation to the world is thinking; personality type Five corresponds to Jung’s introverted thinking type.

Introverted thinking is primarily oriented by the subjective factor…. It does not lead from concrete experience back again to the object, but always to the subjective content. External facts are not the aim and origin of this thinking, though the introvert would often like to make his thinking appear so. It begins with the subject and leads back to the subject, far though it may range into the realm of actual reality…. Facts are collected as evidence for a theory, never for their own sake. (C. G. Jung, Psychological Types, 380.)

Although they correspond to Jung’s introverted thinking type, Fives are perhaps more precisely characterized as a subjective thinking type because the aim of their thought is not always introverted (that is, directed toward themselves); rather, it is directed often outward toward the environment, which Fives want to understand so that they can be safer in it. The impetus for their thinking comes, as Jung says, from “the subjective factor,” from their need to know about what lies outside themselves, as well as from their anxiety when they do not understand the environment. This is why thinking is the method Fives use both to fit into the world and, paradoxically, to defend themselves against it.

One of the results of the way Fives think is that even healthy Fives are not very deeply rooted in visceral experience. They are the type of people who get a great deal of intellectual mileage out of very little experience because they always find something of significance where others see little or nothing. This may lead to great discoveries. However, when they stop observing the world and focus their attention on their interpretations of it, Fives begin to lose touch with reality. Instead of keeping an open mind while they observe the world, they become too involved with their own thoughts and dreams. This leads them further away from the world of constructive action—the very arena in which their self-confidence needs to develop. They may spend a great deal of time playing around with ideas or visions of alternative realities which have almost no practical impact on their lives, leaving them more fearful about themselves and feeling more vulnerable to the predations of the world.

Parental Orientation

As a result of their formative experiences, these children became ambivalent to both parents. Fives, like Twos and Eights, were in search of a niche within the family system, a role that they could fulfill that would win them protection and nurturance. For whatever reasons, though, they perceived that there was no place for them to fit in—that nothing they could do was wanted or needed by their family. As a result, Fives withdrew from active participation in the family to search for something that they could “bring to the table.” Fives want to find something that they can do well enough to feel like an equal of others. Unlike other types, however, since Fives’ underlying fear is of being helpless and incapable, they generally look for areas of expertise that others have not already explored. In a sense, their agenda is to focus on the search for and mastery of subjects and skills, until they feel confident enough to “reenter” the world.

In the meantime, Fives strike a kind of unstated bargain with their parents which carries over into all of their subsequent relationships: “Don’t ask too much of me, and I won’t ask too much of you.” Fives feel that they need most of their limited time and energy to acquire the knowledge and skills that they believe will make them capable and competent. Thus, average Fives come to resent intrusions upon their space, their time, and certainly upon their persons. What to another type might feel like a comfortable distance can feel uncomfortable to an average Five. The reasons for this may relate to the Five’s feeling of not having a place in the family. They may have felt crowded out or figuratively or literally intruded on by their parents and their agendas. Their parents may have nurtured them erratically, or may have been emotionally disturbed or alcoholic or caught in a loveless marriage, and therefore not dependable sources of love and reassurance. The result is that these children become ambivalent not only toward both parents, but ambivalent toward the world.

Fives attempt to resolve their ambivalence by not identifying with anything other than their thoughts. They feel that their thoughts are “good” (that is, correct, and can be safely identified with), while outside reality is “bad” (and must therefore be vigilantly watched), so that it can be repulsed at a moment’s notice. In average to unhealthy Fives, the sense of being crowded may have resulted in their feeling unsafe in their bodies. They then become profoundly detached, indifferent to physical comfort, and extremely cerebral, as if the quality of their material existence was irrelevant to them. Fearful Fives are willing to jettison many comforts and even needs in order to protect the space and time they feel they need to pursue their interests—that is, those areas they are trying to master.

They continue to find their parents, the world, and other people fascinating and necessary, but Fives also feel that they must keep everything and everyone at a safe distance lest they be in clanger of being overwhelmed by some outside force. Thus, from the very way they think—their “cognitive style"—Fives set up a strict dualism between themselves and the world: they see everything as essentially split into two fundamental areas—the inner world and the outer world, subjects and objects, the known and the unknown, the dangerous and the safe, and so forth. This sharp split between themselves as subjects and the rest of the world as objects has tremendous ramifications throughout their entire lives.

Problems with Detachment and Phobia

When they are healthy, Fives do not have to detach themselves from the environment, because they feel secure and confident enough to fully participate in the world around them. Because they are interacting with the environment, their observations are accurate and balanced. But as they deteriorate down the Levels of Development toward unhealth, their perceptions become more intensely focused on what seems to be threatening and dangerous in the environment. As a result of their preoccupation with things they find fearful and dark, their mental world becomes filled with anxiety. Ironically, however, the more fearful Fives become, the more compelled they feel to investigate the very things that terrify them.

In the end, since they invariably focus on what is threatening, Fives turn their terrifying projections into their only reality, and in so doing, turn their minds against themselves, literally scaring themselves out of their minds. They become completely defenseless against the environment, which they find supremely dangerous because their minds have made it so. They become so phobic—and their sense of capability becomes so fragile—that it is extraordinarily difficult for them to function or turn to anyone for help. Yet, unless deteriorating Fives can reach out to someone, they have few ways of getting back in touch with reality.

If they live like this for long, their thought processes become so delusional and terrifying that they must separate themselves not just from the world but even from their own thoughts. Neurotic Fives become schizoid, unconsciously splitting themselves off from their teeming minds so that they can continue to live. Their reality has become hellish: dark, painful, and without hope. Recoiling in horror, they retreat into emptiness—and yet more horror.

ANALYZING THE HEALTHY FIVE

Level 1: The Pioneering Visionary

At their healthiest, Fives have the paradoxical ability to penetrate reality profoundly while comprehending it broadly. They are able to take things in whole, perceiving patterns where others see nothing but confusion. They are able to synthesize existing knowledge, making connections between phenomena which no one previously knew were related, such as time and space, the structures of the DNA molecule, or the relationship between brain chemistry and behavior. If they are artistically inclined, they may develop entirely new art forms, or revolutionize the form they are working with in ways that have not been seen before. These innovations often become the new platform from which others will learn and create.

The healthiest Fives do not cling to their own ideas about how the world works. Instead, they encompass reality so profoundly that they are able to discover unanticipated truths they could not have arrived at by mere theorizing. They make discoveries precisely because they are willing not to know the answers, keeping an open mind while they observe reality.

Because they do not impose their thoughts on reality, very healthy Fives are able to discover the internal logic, the structure, and interrelated patterns of whatever they observe. As a result, they have clear thoughts into obscure matters, and are able to predict events, often far in advance of the ability of others to verify them. Fives operating at the peak of their gifts may seem to be prophets and visionaries, although the explanation is simpler. They possess foresight because they see the world with extraordinary clarity, like a weaver who knows the pattern of a tapestry before it is completed.

The result is that they transcend rational thought to reveal objective reality, and in so doing they move toward the ineffable, to a level of comprehension where words, theories, and symbols are left behind. They perceive the world in all its complexity and simplicity with a vision that seems to come from beyond themselves. They are closer to contemplatives than thinkers. This is the quality of the “quiet mind,” discussed in Buddhism and other spiritual traditions. When the mind becomes still and quiet it becomes like a mirror which accurately contains and reflects whatever it turns toward. Healthy Fives are not using their minds to defend against reality; rather they are allowing reality in, understanding that they are not separate from it.

Very healthy, gifted Fives so perfectly describe reality that their perceptions and discoveries seem simple, even obvious, as if anyone could have thought of them. But the genius’s insights are obvious only in hindsight. To have made the leap from the known to the unknown, and to describe the unknown so clearly and accurately that the discovery accords perfectly with what is already known, is a great achievement. Similarly, anyone can “create” a new form of artistic expression, but to do so in a way that is powerful for others changes the way that others perceive reality, is both rare and extraordinary.

Thus, very healthy Fives are intellectual pioneers who open up new domains of knowledge and creativity. An individual Five, if sufficiently gifted, may well be a genius of historic dimensions, able to make staggering intellectual breakthroughs for mankind. A genius of the highest caliber may understand the way the world works for the first time in history. Less gifted individuals may have a sense of the genius’s excitement when they first understand calculus or how to use a computer. Their understanding is new to them, and can be thrilling. Others can only imagine how exciting it must be for someone to discover something totally new—when the discovery is new not only to that individual, but to humanity.

Yet, at Level 1, the brilliance of very healthy Fives is entirely unselfconscious. What Fives themselves are most aware of is feeling at home and at peace in the world. Because they have transcended their fears of being incapable and helpless, they are also freed from their relentless pursuit of knowledge and skill. They no longer feel overwhelmed by other people or by challenges and are able to bring their hearts and minds together for the compassionate use of their knowledge and talents.

Level 2: The Perceptive Observer

Even though Fives are not always this healthy, they are still extraordinarily conscious of the world around them, its glories and horrors, incongruities and inexhaustible complexities. They are the most mentally alert of the personality types, curious about everything. Healthy Fives enjoy thinking for its own sake; possessing knowledge—knowing that they know something, and being able to turn it around in their minds, to play with ideas—is extremely pleasurable for them. Knowledge and understanding are exhilarating. They are fascinated by people, by nature, by life, by the mind itself.

Given sufficient intelligence, healthy Fives penetrate the superficial, getting to profound levels very quickly. Their insights can be brilliant because they have the uncanny ability to see into the heart of things, noticing the anomaly, the curious but heretofore unobserved fact or hidden element which provides a key for understanding the whole. Because they see the world with unfailing insight, they always have something interesting and worthwhile to say. The act of seeing is virtually a symbol of their entire psychological orientation. If something can be seen, that is, apprehended either by the senses or by the mind, Fives feel that it can be understood. Once something is understood, it can be mastered. Then Fives can act with the confidence they desire.

Nothing escapes healthy Fives unnoticed because they do not merely observe the world passively, they concentrate on it, noting how things go together to form patterns and have meaning. People and objects are perceived in detail, as if Fives were training a magnifying glass on the environment. Since their minds are so active and they find everything around them fascinating, healthy Fives are never bored. They like learning what they do not know and understanding what is not obvious. No matter how much they know, they always want to learn more, and since the world is, for all intents and purposes, infinite in its complexity, there is always more to know.

Healthy Fives are also able to perceive far more than others because they have the ability to sustain concentration; they are not easily distracted. They quickly become deeply involved in the object of their scrutiny so they can understand how it works—why something is as it is. Their intellectual curiosity leads them to expend considerable effort to find out more about those things which have caught their attention. They are incredibly hard workers who will patiently attack a problem until they solve it, or until it becomes clear that the problem is insoluble. They will labor in obscurity for many years because they are excited about what they are exploring or creating. Because healthy Fives are accustomed to pursuing their interests with little support or attention, they are not dissuaded by others’ indifference or lack of comprehension. The process of exploring, learning, and creating is more enjoyable to Fives than achieving a final goal. They take delight in questioning reality and tinkering with familiar forms until they become almost unrecognizable, especially in the arts. They are also very good conceptualizers, asking the right fundamental questions and defining the proper intellectual boundaries for the problems with which they are involved. They do not attempt to do the impossible, only to understand what they have not understood before.

Regardless of their actual intelligence, most Fives consider themselves “smart” and perceptive, and see these as defining characteristics. Many Fives are not intellectuals or scholars, but all focus their attention in the world of ideas, perceptions, and ways of looking at reality. They are constantly on the lookout for something that they have not noticed before, or a way of connecting disparate ideas or activities they have been exploring. Having a new insight into a question or creative problem they have been grappling with gives them a sense of confidence and goads them into deeper explorations.

Fives are aware that others may view them as “unusual.” This may be due to their intelligence, a highly developed sensory acuity, idiosyncratic behavior, or perhaps their penetrating gaze. Fives are not interested in being “different” like Fours are; instead, they view their status as outsiders with a shrugging acceptance. They tend to be unsentimental about life, and this lack of sentiment extends to their own circumstances as well. Fives can also appear to be unusual because they are willing to follow their curiosity and their perceptions wherever they lead. They are relatively unconcerned with social convention; rather, they want to be unencumbered by activities that take them away from what they are really interested in.

Healthy Fives want to feel competent and capable in the objective world, and yet, the very act of inquiring into things begins to shift them away from active participation and toward the role of an outside observer. Even at this stage, healthy Fives are subject to a certain amount of anxiety about the environment if they do not understand it. (And, of course, because they cannot understand it until they deal with it, they are caught in a conundrum.) Therefore, the habit of observation reflects not simply a dispassionate curiosity but a deep personal need.

Level 3: The Focused Innovator

Once Fives have identified themselves as intelligent and perceptive, they begin to fear that they might lose their perceptiveness or that what they are thinking may be inaccurate. So they begin to focus their energies intensely into those areas that they are most interested in with the goal of really mastering them. In this way, Fives hope to develop an ability or a body of knowledge which will ensure that they will have a place in the world. They are not interested in merely acquiring facts or skills, but in using what they have learned to go beyond what has previously been explored. They want to “push the envelope,” both because it is a greater test of their competency, and also because they want to create a niche for themselves which no one else could have come up with.

Sometimes the results of their explorations are ingenious inventions and technological marvels which yield highly practical results. At times, their tinkering may produce startling new discoveries or artistic works. At other times, few things may result from their original ideas, although in time, those ideas, too, may have practical applications. What is impractical in one era often becomes the underpinning of an entirely new branch of knowledge or technology in another, such as the physics which made television and radar possible, or a few scraps of ideas which later produce a novel or a movie.

Because they are looking for new areas to explore and master, healthy Fives are generally open-minded people. They are not attached to particular points of view, and are curious to learn what other people think about things. They believe that there is almost always something interesting to learn from another person’s perspective. They are also patient about explaining their own thoughts to others, even when their thoughts are complex or the other person is slow to understand. Healthy Fives want to communicate, and they want others to understand what they are saying.

Because Fives understand things so perceptively, their profound knowledge enables them to get to the heart of difficulties so that they can explain problems, and possible solutions, clearly to others. Healthy Fives like sharing their knowledge because they often learn more when they discuss their ideas with someone else. This is why healthy Fives make exciting teachers, colleagues, and friends. Their enthusiasm for ideas is infectious, and they enjoy fertilizing their own areas of expertise with those of other intellectuals, artists, and thinkers, or, really, with anyone who is as interesting, curious, and intelligent as they are.

As much as they like being among those who can understand and appreciate their insights, healthy Fives are nevertheless extremely independent. For the most part, innovating, learning, and creating are solitary adventures best embarked on alone. Because they never know where their projects and discoveries will lead, Fives value their independence very highly; they are willing to be as unorthodox as their inquiries require, pursuing their interests and discoveries regardless of the sanctions of others or of society. They are not afraid to challenge existing dogmas, if need be.

Their innovations can be revolutionary, overturning previous ways of thinking. Owing to the nature of their interests and the scope of their intellects, healthy Fives give us powerful ideas which can literally change the course of history. The worlds of art, dance, cinema, and music have many times been “scandalized” by the strange new creations of Fives—which later on become widely accepted standards of “how things are done.”

Healthy Fives are also in possession of a whimsical sense of humor. They are attuned to life’s many absurdities and ironies and enjoy sharing their wry observations with others. They have a way of distorting the picture of reality just enough to highlight some assumption or way of looking at life that has no logical underpinning. They are fascinated by strange, offbeat subjects and love tinkering with objects, images, and words. There is a taboo-breaking quality to the humor of even healthy Fives, because they are attracted to looking at subject matter that others would reject or turn away from. Their imaginations are powerful and they use them to visualize the solution to a problem or to create an alternative reality. For this reason, many artistic Fives become filmmakers, cartoonists, or authors of genre fiction (science fiction, horror, black humor). The aesthetic sense tends to run in two extremes: minimalist and spare on one end, and surreal and fantastic on the other. Most Fives who are involved in the arts are not interested in simple “human interest” stories or narratives. They want to direct their audience’s attention beyond their daily concerns toward truths which are more absolute—especially those that are hidden in the “ordinary world.”

In the process of mastering those areas which interest them, healthy Fives accumulate knowledge. People of this personality type develop expertise in various disciplines, whether in the arts (for example, abstract expressionist painting, electronic music, or Egyptian hieroglyphics), or in the sciences (how to build a computer or put a satellite into space). Healthy Fives are usually polymaths, possessors of knowledge in a wide range of subjects and expert in them all. Healthy Fives know what they are talking about and share their knowledge with others, enriching the whole of society with their learning. They are also relatively confident because they are actively doing things with their insights, and it is precisely because their insights are so on target that both healthy Fives and their ideas are especially valuable to the rest of society. Where would we be without the computers and antibiotics, the sophisticated communications media and the technological innovations of all sorts which make up the modern world?

ANALYZING THE AVERAGE FIVE

Level 4: The Studious Expert

The essential difference between average Fives and healthy Fives is that average Fives begin to fear that they do not know enough to act or take their place in the world. They feel that they need to study more, to practice more, to acquire better technique or run further tests, to involve themselves even more deeply with their subject. (“The more you know, the more you know you don’t know.”) For whatever reason, they fear that they will not be able to put their concepts and ideas into action. Convinced that they are insufficiently prepared to put themselves on the line, they retreat into an area of their experience where they feel much more confident and in control—their minds. Every personality type deals from its strongest suit, and the intellect is what Fives are gifted with and what they favor in their development. Rather than innovating and exploring, however, average Fives begin conceptualizing and preparing. In a word, healthy Fives use knowledge, whereas average Fives are in pursuit of it.

Because Fives have become adept at playing with concepts and their imagination, they are more sure of themselves when they are “in their heads,” and from this Level down they begin to avoid more direct contact with the world. They can spend many hours conceptualizing a problem or an idea for a song, but hesitate to put their ideas out as real, concrete forms. Average Fives get stuck in “preparation mode,” endlessly studying, gathering more background information, and practicing. Or they may simply develop the idea for a book or an invention in their imagination and never actualize their projects in reality. “I need a little more time” is a repeating refrain from average Fives. They are not being reluctant for no reason, however: their hesitation belies their growing lack of faith in their ability to cope with the world.

Because they are beginning to experience themselves as somehow less prepared for life than other people, average Fives feel compelled to gather whatever information, skills, and resources they believe they will need to “build themselves up.” To this end, Fives begin to disengage from social activities and spend more and more of their time and energy acquiring these resources. Their homes become a reflection of their minds, storage areas for their collections of books, tapes, videos, CDs, gadgets, and so forth.

Average Fives are typically bookish. They haunt bookstores, libraries, and coffeehouses catering to intellectuals who discuss politics, films, and literature far into the night. They love scholarship, and are fascinated with the technical appurtenances by which they acquire knowledge. And while they will spend money to obtain whatever tools they need to pursue their intellectual interests, be they medieval manuscripts or computer equipment, average Fives are usually loath to spend money on themselves or their own comfort because they identify with their minds and their imaginations, not with their bodies.

In their pursuit of mastery, average Fives tend to become highly specialized in some field, delving into a body of knowledge not understood by most. (As specialists, they take pride and pleasure in their ability to say, in effect, “I know something that you don’t know.”) Some Fives may become specialists within an academic discipline—analyzing genetic structures, or the mathematics of snowflake formation, or the migration patterns of birds in the Amazon Delta. Others may specialize in less academic areas, becoming specialists in antiques, stamp collecting, comic books, or jazz. Their approach to collecting becomes a metaphor for their whole approach to life: gathering in more material and incorporating it into the body of what they believe they know or can do.

Their predilection for collecting can combine with their desire to specialize in surprising ways. Fives may have a complete video collection—organized by director, of course—of every major horror or science fiction film between 1950 and 1990. The completeness of the collection and the thorough knowledge of its contents becomes important. An average Five would feel superficial if he or she had only a few Beatles albums or only three Beethoven symphonies. They want to acquire the complete Beatles catalogue, including rare bootleg recordings, and have all nine Beethoven symphonies as recorded by various orchestras. To observe the chronological progression of the Beatles’ music or to compare and contrast the different recordings of Beethoven’s Third Symphony become enjoyable pursuits for Fives, and a certain degree of knowledge is gained by these activities, to be sure. But Fives might well wonder how profitably they are spending their time in these endeavors. They achieve at least a temporary feeling of competency by mastering these narrow areas of interest, but are beginning to avoid the kind of activities that might really help develop their confidence.

Average Fives have begun to identify more completely with their minds, and although this is not entirely problematic, it is not without consequences. As we have seen, healthy Fives are highly observant of the environment and attuned to the world around them, but because of their increasingly cerebral approach to life, average Fives begin to miss things. They focus intently upon certain details and may overlook other relevant information entirely. They tend to make a science of whatever they are interested in, whether history, linguistics, stereo equipment, jogging shoes, or the sociology of ape families. It is here that we see the beginning of their tendency to abstract from reality, concerning themselves with only those aspects of reality which capture their attention. They are by no means out of touch with reality in any unhealthy sense yet. They are, however, narrowing the focus of their perceptions so that they can pursue their interests in more depth.

Although they may not be aware of it, average Fives begin to approach most new experiences by trying to analyze them or to find their context in relation to what they already know. This is the shy person who tries to learn how to do a dance by watching people dancing and trying to analyze and memorize the different steps and movements. The easiest ways to learn to dance is to jump in and start moving, but average Fives fear to enter an activity until they have worked it all out in their minds. Usually, the dance is over by the time the Five is done “figuring it out.” This can be a cumbersome way of learning things, but it does have some positive aspects. Because their method of learning is so systematic, and because they are observing and memorizing every step of any process they engage in, many Fives can explain to others how they arrived at certain conclusions or achieved specific results. And at Level 4, Fives enjoy sharing their expertise with others. They can discourse enthusiastically and at length on the projects they have been pursuing. Unfortunately, average Fives may not be comfortable talking about much else. Their personal lives, their hopes, desires, and disappointments, and especially their feelings become private matters, and they are reluctant to share these parts of themselves with others. They prefer to discuss subjects of interest to them, and to arrive at deeper “truths” through intelligent conversation.

Level 5: The Intense Conceptualizer

As average Fives retreat into the apparent safety of their minds, they ironically begin to heighten their insecurities about their abilities. After all, they are putting less and less time into anything outside of their narrowing interests, and are less willing to try new activities. They shift into mental high-gear, using whatever internal and financial resources they have to gain a sense of confidence and strength that would allow them to move forward with their lives. Unfortunately, average Fives often misapply this energy, getting increasingly bogged down in what others would see as trivia and losing perspective on which activities will actually help them in their lives. They spend endless hours engaged in their projects, but are unable to come to closure, both because they are more uncertain of themselves and their ideas and because they are afraid to leave the security of their cerebral constructs.

As a result, Fives believe that they have no inner resources to spare. They fear that other people and their emotional needs will overwhelm them, or at the very least, sidetrack them from their projects. Fives believe that everything depends upon their acquiring a skill or ability that would give them a chance to survive in what they increasingly perceive as a world without pity or mercy. They may deeply want to connect with others, but feel that this is not possible until they can develop the sense of confidence and mastery they seek. Average Fives begin to view most of their social interactions as intrusions upon their time and space—time and space they believe they must devote to their quest for mastery. To defend themselves against these potential “intrusions,” they withdraw further into their own inner worlds by intensifying their mental focus and activity. If Fives began to create alternative realities in the healthier levels, they begin to inhabit them at Level 5. Average Fives do not want anyone or anything to distract them from whatever they believe they are gaining by exploring those realities.

Strangely, though, average Fives begin to distract themselves. If all of their energies were devoted to constructive projects, their behavior might be more comprehensible to others, but their growing insecurity causes them to spend much of their time engaged in any sort of activity which might provide some temporary sense of confidence and competence. In their minds, Fives can feel capable and fully in control of their situation, which begins to compensate for their fears about being powerless and incapable in the real world.

They plunge into complex intellectual puzzles and labyrinthine systems—elaborate, impenetrable mazes by which they can insulate themselves from the world while dealing with it intellectually. They get involved in highly detailed, complicated systems of thought, immersing themselves in obscure theories, whether these have to do with the abstruse regions of such traditional academic studies as astronomy, mathematics, or philosophy, or with esoteric topics such as the Kabbala, astrology, and the occult. They are endlessly fascinated with intellectual games (such as chess, computer simulation games, or Dungeons and Dragons), making areas of study into a kind of game, and games into an area of study. They often develop a strong affinity for genre fiction, especially science fiction and horror. Exploring the dark and fantastic realms of the imagination gives Fives the feeling of mastering something—even if it is only an image in their imaginations. Their interest in strange, disturbing subject matter is both a further search for “turf” unclaimed by others and a counterphobic reaction to their feelings of helplessness.

The thinking of average Fives becomes increasingly uncensored: they are willing to entertain any thought, no matter how horrible, unacceptable, or taboo it may seem to others. Fives are in pursuit of the truth, and if the truth is unpleasant or upsets existing conventions, so be it. In healthy Fives, this tendency is laudable and the source of many great discoveries. In average Fives, however, it starts to create problems. Because they are not participating as actively in the world, they are getting fewer “reality checks.” Consequently, their exploration of potentially unsettling subject matter begins to add fuel to their anxieties about the world and themselves.

Because of these fears, and because their imaginations are causing them to see ominous implications in almost everything, average Fives are typically fascinated with power. They feel that knowledge is power and that by possessing knowledge, they will be secure because they perceive more than others do—and hence, can protect themselves. They are attracted by areas of study which deal with some form of power, whether in nature, or in politics, or in human behavior. However, Fives are also ambivalent about power and suspicious of those who have power over them. They feel that whoever has power may use it against them, rendering them completely helpless, one of their deepest fears.

One way that average Fives maintain their independence and avoid the potential control of others is by becoming more secretive. They become increasingly unwilling to talk about their personal or emotional lives, fearing that to do so would give others power over them. Additionally, speaking about such things might well plunge them into a more direct experience of their own fears and vulnerability—a prospect that average Fives distinctly wish to avoid. In any event, Fives begin to control others’ access to them, not by overt deception but by offering little information about themselves; they can be terse, cryptic, or totally uncommunicative. They also control access by compartmentalizing their relationships and different aspects of their lives. A Five will tell one friend about his professional life, while another friend will learn of his fascination with insects. Still another will know about his romantic life, while another knows where the Five likes to go late at night. No one gets the complete picture, however, and as much as possible, average Fives will make sure that these different friends do not meet to “share notes.”

This state of affairs would be difficult to maintain if Fives had too many friends, but to keep their life simple and to allow more time for their private pursuits, at Level 5 they do with relationships what they do elsewhere in their lives, they begin to reduce their needs. Average Fives become more determined to continue their projects and want to avoid any involvements or dependencies that might hinder them. They begin to “cut back” on creature comforts, activities, and relationships. Anything that might compromise their independence and their freedom to continue with their interests becomes expendable. Fives at this point are so caught up in their mental world that even basic amenities and comforts become almost irrelevant to them. They can become extremely Spartan and minimal in their existence, requiring less of others so that others will require less of them. Average Fives will often take employment far beneath their capabilities because they want to avoid becoming entangled in the demands of a more challenging career. Ironically, they are avoiding living their lives so they can devote time to preparing to live their lives. They live for whatever pleasures and small victories they may derive from their cerebral preoccupations.

The problem is that average Fives have stopped observing the world with any consistency, and have instead focused their attention on their ideas and their imagination. This is a turning point in their development. Rather than investigate the objective world, average Fives at this stage become preoccupied with their own interpretations of it, mentally detaching themselves from the environment or even their own emotional experiences by becoming more intensely involved with their ideas. Healthy Fives are extraordinarily perceptive and aware of their environment. To the degree that Average Fives are absorbed in their own thoughts, they perceive very little of the world around them.

As Fives speculate and theorize, turning their ideas around in their minds, examining them from every angle, endlessly producing new interpretations, they lose the forest for the trees. With every new conjecture, they have no sense of certitude that their speculations are final: everything remains hanging in the air, in a cloud of possibilities. For example, the more they write, the more complex the exposition becomes, until it is virtually incomprehensible. As brilliant as they may be, average Fives do not easily publish their ideas because they cannot bring them to a conclusion.

Furthermore, all ideas seem equally plausible to Fives, since they can make a convincing case for almost anything they think of. Anything thinkable seems possible. Anything thinkable seems real. They are intellectually and emotionally capable of entertaining any new thought, even horrifying or outlandish ones, since speculating on new possibilities is virtually all they do. Their ideas, however, begin to have no direct connection with the outside world. (The problems of epistemology not only fascinate them, average Fives unwittingly live them out.) But establishing a relationship between their ideas and reality is no longer the primary function of the thinking of average Fives. Instead, speculation and imagination maintain the sense of self by keeping the mind active.

Moreover, for all the time they spend thinking, average Fives at this Level do not communicate to others clearly, because their thought processes are so complex and convoluted. They get into too much detail; their ideas become highly condensed. The stream of consciousness floods out in elaborate monologues, making it difficult for others to follow their train of thought. They go off on tangents, jumping from one point to another without indicating the intervening steps in their logic. A perceptive observation about Jackson Pollock’s painting technique may be followed by a disquisition on modern media and the hazards to biological systems of higher levels of chemicals in the environment. Their monologues may well be fascinating, and possibly breathtaking in the sweep of their intellectual range; however, their discourses may also be strange and tedious, because the mental exertion required to follow them is exhausting. Nor is it always clear that the trip will be worth the effort, although average Fives think that whatever they have to say is as interesting to others as it is to themselves.

They begin to function as disembodied minds because, as far as they are concerned, the body is merely the vehicle for the mind. At this Level, they do not pay much attention to their physical condition except when that gets in the way of their thinking. They become so deeply involved in projects that they forget to eat or sleep or change their clothes. They frequently look like the proverbial absent-minded professor, missing a button when putting on their shirts or forgetting to tie their shoes. No matter. To them such considerations are insignificant: the life of the mind, the excitement of pursuing their interests, is what counts.

Both for better and for worse, they are extremely high-strung, as if their nervous systems were tuned to a higher pitch than those of the other personality types. (Nines also become more cerebral and imaginative in the average Levels, but their affect is very different. Nines become placid and passive, while Fives become agitated and intense.) Fives seem to lack the ability to repress the unconscious impulses which erupt into their minds, fueling their intense involvement in their perceptions, their work, and their relations with others. They find it difficult to do things casually, and find close relationships with others particularly taxing.

The more detached average Fives are, the more ambivalent they are to just about everyone—they are attracted to people, yet suspicious about them. They want to figure out what makes other people tick, just as they analyze other objects of intellectual interest. (“What you just said was fascinating—you’re incredibly angry at men, aren’t you?”) Yet they usually try to avoid getting deeply involved with others because people are unpredictable and potentially demanding. Average Fives believe there must be a catch. They cannot imagine why anyone would be interested in them personally and fear that others may expect something from them which they will not be able to deliver. Further, emotional involvements arouse strong feelings which average Fives find difficult to control: the passions flood too easily into their minds. But because most Fives also have strong sexual impulses, they cannot avoid involvements altogether, as much as they would like to. Thus, though Fives find people and relationships endlessly fascinating, they remain wary.

It is therefore typical of average Fives either to be unmarried or to have stormy relationships with people. Intimacy with others gets so involved, so complex and exhausting, that they stop trying to make contact with others and become reclusive, ever more completely burying themselves in their work and ideas. Doing so only fuels their feelings of helplessness, though, and as Fives become more isolated they are increasingly prey to their own growing fears about themselves and the world. Their view of reality grows ever more bleak and doubtful. They have great difficulty accepting the idea of a benevolent universe, let alone a benevolent God. Moreover, the problem of evil is an enormous stumbling block: the horror and uncertainty of the world is so apparent to Fives that any God who allowed the world to be as it is must be sadistic, an evil God, a God they refuse to become involved with.

Level 6: The Provocative Cynic

In time, the complexities Fives create in their minds cause new and more troubling problems for them. Nothing is clear or certain; anxiety increases. They are more desperate than ever about whatever projects and ideas they are trying to develop and fear that other people will demand that they give up their pursuits before they are ready. They fear that they will be drawn “off course” by the intrusions of life and are determined to defend against whatever they perceive as a threat to their fragile niche. At Level 6, through their style of speech, their manner of dress, and the subjects that they involve themselves with, Fives are saying to the world, “Leave me alone!” If others could not get the message before, Fives become more aggressive in their efforts to scare people away.

On the surface, Fives at this Level may seem intellectually arrogant, but they are actually less certain of themselves. Even their most valued ideas and projects begin to seem futile to them, and they alternate between defending them aggressively and finding them worthless. They begin to take more extreme and unorthodox positions, as if they were trying to extract more confidence from ideas that are becoming meaningless for them. Fives may not be entirely convinced of the radical views they express, but express them they do, wielding them like cutting tools. Further, their own subconscious fears about their inability to cope with the environment are frequently erupting into their minds, and they live in growing terror of the world and others. They feel uncertain and uneasy about nearly everything, and it infuriates them that other people seem to be content or oblivious to the horrors which they notice. They therefore begin to undermine others’ certainty or contentment by “sharing” their provocative views. (“So you’re going to the beach? I was just reading the latest report on the ozone layer. Studies show that the chances of getting skin cancer have gone up by nearly one hundred percent.”) There is often an element of truth in what Fives express at this point, but their intention is no longer to arrive at the truth. It is to use their knowledge as a way of unsettling others. And because they have spent so much time gathering information, they can easily use it both to reinforce their conviction that the world is rotten and to subvert other people’s sense of security.

A certain extremism is as typical of their social style as it is of their intellectual viewpoint. In political or artistic matters, antagonistic Fives are usually radicals, populating the avant-garde. They love to take ideas to their furthest limits—for their shock value, to defy what has conventionally been thought or done, or to puncture and demolish popular opinions. (And even if they are not as correct as Fives think they are, their provocative ideas virtually force others to react to them, stirring up debate or even hostility.) As dyed-in-the-wool nonconformists and dissenters, they rebel against all social conventions, rules, and expectations, whether these involve feminism, politics, child rearing, sexual liberation, or all of them in some peculiar combination. They have an ax to grind. Understanding has been abandoned for polemics.

At Level 6, Fives use their entire lifestyle as a statement of their views and as a rebuke of the world. They may choose to live an extremely marginal existence to avoid “selling out.” At this Level, “selling out” may mean any kind of regular employment or even having a relationship. They may wear intentionally provocative clothing or groom themselves in nonconformist ways. Of course, social protest can be a vital and healthy impulse in any culture, and healthier Fives (as well as other types) may well use provocative language, art, or style of dress to make a point. But with lower average Fives, the point is that there is no point. Life is futile. People are stupid. My own life is meaningless. Although other types are certainly part of the picture, this attitude is common in many of the “alternative” cultures that have developed in the latter part of the twentieth century. Grunge, cyberpunk, heavy metal, and other youth subcultures embrace this ethos.

Ironically for those so given to complex thought, Fives at this Level have also become more reductionistic, oversimplifying reality and dismissing more positive, alternative explanations of things. For example, dismissing the flower, reductionistic Fives focus on the ooze from which it sprang, as if the brightest blossom were “nothing but” mud in some significantly altered state; painting is nothing but the desire to smear feces; God is nothing but a projection of the father into the cosmos; human beings are nothing but biological machines, and so forth. The result is that their ideas mix legitimate insights with extreme interpretations, while Fives themselves have no way of knowing which is which.

An irrational element—a kind of perverse resistance to reality—has begun to taint their thought processes. Fives at Level 6 are not crazy, even though their ideas may be strange and extremely unorthodox. Healthy originality, however, has deteriorated into quirky eccentricity; the genius has become little more than a crank. |They may assert that arcane secrets are hidden in numerical codes derived from the names of characters in their favorite TV show, or that all rational thought is meaningless.) Others may well have entertained outlandish ideas, but lower average Fives dwell on them, sometimes using all of their time and energy to “prove” them. Their extreme ideas are so much a part of their sense of self that Fives will defend their ideas at all costs, asserting them vigorously and attempting to demolish all counterarguments. Contentious and quarrelsome, they also worry about establishing their intellectual priority and protecting their ideas, threatening lawsuits if they think that someone has stolen one of their brilliant theories.

Even so, as radically extreme and reductionistic as many of their ideas are, average Fives are not necessarily completely off the mark. They are usually too intelligent not to have something interesting to say. The problem is knowing which of their ideas are valuable and which are not. This is because, at a deeper level, Fives are becoming cynical and hopeless about all of their ideas and projects. A profound pessimism is creeping into their thoughts, and they begin to see all viewpoints as equally irrelevant. They can argue any point because everything seems equally true or untrue, and therefore equally worthless. Fives at Level 6 may even enjoy arguing viewpoints which they find repugnant just to reaffirm their intelligence while simultaneously proving the futility of making any further efforts.

Fives at this stage give the appearance of being extremely involved in their projects, but a closer inspection usually reveals that they are spending much of their time in relatively inessential activities. They may need to put together a résumé, take care of bills, or complete a project for work, but will instead devote their efforts to reading a book on ants, creating a detailed computer database for their record collection, or studying strategies to improve their chess game. They put more and more of their time into activities which will do little to improve their situation, and which actually become harmful because they are distracting Fives from what they really need to do. They are so unsure of themselves that they feel completely unable to engage in many activities—especially those that might improve their quality of life—and keep gravitating to situations that give them the temporary feeling of having their lives “under control.” Average Fives may not be able to face a job interview or learn to drive a car, but they can conquer the world, survive a nuclear holocaust, or wield awesome occult powers in the world of their imaginations.

At this Level, Fives feel profoundly unsettled and anxious about their apparent helplessness in what seems to them a dark and hostile reality. They feel that it is extremely unlikely that they will ever find a place for themselves in the world, and in fact, their abrasive behavior is making this a real possibility. Fives desperately want to find something they can do that will make them feel more connected with the world, but their fear and anger cause them to retreat further and further from any contact with others. They are tormented by their tempers and by their teeming imaginations: insomnia is not uncommon. If they could reach out to others and acknowledge their own suffering, Fives could turn around their difficulties and reconstruct their lives. If they continue to turn away from the world, however, they may eventually cut off what few connections remain in their lives and plunge into a much more terrifying darkness.

ANALYZING THE UNHEALTHY FIVE

Level 7: The Isolated Nihilist

The need to keep others at a safe distance to protect their frantic search for mastery sets the stage for Fives to become extremely antagonistic toward anyone who they believe threatens their world. Unfortunately, as they become more unhealthy, their self-doubt becomes so great that almost everything threatens them. It seems to them that the only way that they can be safe is to cut off their connections with others and “go it alone.” They feel hopelessly ill-adapted for life and are profoundly disgusted with the world. Unhealthy Fives are convinced that they are never going to find a place for themselves in society, and so they turn their back on it. They become extremely isolated and prey to growing eccentricity and nihilistic despair.

Their aggressions are aroused when people question their ideas—or worse, if their ideas are ridiculed or dismissed. To maintain what little remains of their self-confidence, which is thoroughly wedded to their ideas, unhealthy Fives go on the offensive: individuals must be discredited, their ideas shown to be worthless, their solutions to problems an illusion, their world a fool’s paradise. Thus, unhealthy Fives unwittingly provoke others into rejecting them, and then become cynical about the value of all relationships. But in so doing, they become profoundly cut off from others and extremely hopeless about the possibility of ever relating to anyone.

Indeed, their need to reject what others believe is so strong that they take pleasure in debunking whatever is positive in life, trying to prove the virtual impossibility of human relationships and the complete rottenness at the core of human nature. Unhealthy Fives take delight in deflating what they see as the bourgeois illusions by which others get through life so comfortably, and to which they have not fallen prey because of their greater intellectual honesty.

As usual, there is a half-truth operating here. While others may well be living too comfortably for their own good, while some people may be self-deceptive, while some families and some relationships may be tainted by hypocrisy, jealousy, and struggles for power, it does not necessarily follow that cynicism is the best response. Unhealthy Fives throw out the baby with the bath water: faith, hope, love, kindness, friendship—all are extraordinarily difficult for them to believe in because of their fear of involvement with others. Attachment to others is too threatening at this stage, so unhealthy Fives must justify their isolation by becoming nihilistic and cynical about all relationships, indeed, about the value of humanity itself.

Just as an intense stream of water from a fire hose can hold back a crowd, the intensity of their minds, overheated by their erupting aggressive impulses, repels everything that might influence them. They “burn their bridges behind them,” ending friendships, quitting jobs, and emptying out all but the barest of necessities in their lives. (“To hell with everything!”) It is as if unhealthy Fives were attempting to purge themselves of everything but their most basic life-support systems so that they will not be dependent, and therefore potentially overwhelmed by anyone or anything. This process may be taken to extreme degrees. Unhealthy Fives may end up living out of a car, or squatting in a condemned building so that they will not be part of “the system.” They neglect themselves physically, paying no attention to their appearance, eating poorly, and going unwashed. Alcoholism and other forms of substance abuse are quite common at this stage, and the rebellious side of Fives has no hesitation about using illicit drugs. Their experimental nature may also lead them into trying new “designer drugs” or substances known to be dangerous, such as heroin. Drugs are harmful for any type, but for Fives they can be particularly debilitating. Unhealthy Fives are already having great difficulty facing even the basic maintenance of their lives, and their connection with reality is extremely tenuous. Drugs further erode their confidence and drive them further into isolation, thus accelerating their deterioration.

At this Level, unhealthy Fives believe they must maintain their isolation so that they will not be influenced by anyone. While usually not violent, they may rant and rave, write long diatribes and denunciations, or suddenly withdraw into a glowering, hateful silence. Since most people are repulsed by this kind of behavior, the isolation of Fives rapidly deepens, which is exactly what unhealthy Fives want. Yet, for that reason, they are vulnerable to ever worsening distortions in their thought processes. They are no longer getting “reality checks” from others, no longer comparing their perceptions to reality, and what few forays into the environment they do have are tainted with their growing terror. All of their experiences become confirmations of their helplessness and of the utter meaninglessness of life. Unhealthy Fives feel besieged by even minor problems and view all interactions with others as invasions upon their fragile space. Aggressions—and fear—continue to escalate.

Some of the personality types are able to conceal the degree of their distress in the unhealthy Levels, but Fives are clearly and unmistakably unstable. Others can see their disintegration and are both saddened and horrified, but unhealthy Fives’ aggressive defense of their isolation makes interventions difficult. Even the hint that they may “need help” may trigger their fears of helplessness and incompetency and drive them deeper into pathology. Unhealthy Fives also retain their ability to reason to some degree, and can cleverly argue away any positive input, dismissing any possibility that their dark and corrosive view of life may be in error. They have no expectations of themselves or others and retreat into a reality as bleak in its actuality as it is in its outlook.

Because unhealthy Fives are terrified of the world and of their own inability to cope with it, they stew in a destructive mixture of dark, twisted fantasies, feelings of contempt for others, and honor at the emptiness of their lives. They want to act, to do something that would discharge the relentlessness of their teeming minds, but they feel crippled by fear and have no belief in themselves or others. Consequently the intense force of their irrational thoughts keeps building without relief. They are filled with rage at a world which they believe has rejected them, but feeling powerless to do anything about it, they avoid all contact with others, let alone reach out for help. It is as if they cannot stop cutting themselves off at the knees. Unhealthy Fives may still be brilliant or talented, but their nihilism destroys any chance of their doing anything constructive with their abilities, and thus building up their confidence. Instead, they tear down everything in their lives, devaluing and rejecting all their attachments to the world. Yet, unhealthy Fives are worse than merely isolated; they are filled with aggressions and impulses which cannot be discharged, because they do not want to get into violent conflicts with others. Unhealthy Fives are thus trapped in a terrible dilemma: they are obsessed by their aggressions yet unable to act on them because they fear the consequences. They want to accomplish something in the world, but their bleak, cynical attitude does not allow them to engage in any activities that might improve their situation. The result is that they do nothing, and the intensity of their own minds begins to devour them.

Level 8: The Terrified “Alien”

As unhealthy Fives retreat further and further into their isolation, their belief in their ability to cope with the world disintegrates. Further, their lack of contact with other people allows their fearful thoughts to run rampant without being checked. They begin to feel that the world is closing in on them, and that it will show them no mercy. At this stage, Fives have reduced their activities and their living conditions to the point where there is nowhere left to retreat. They may be living in a single room and almost never venture forth from it, or literally hiding out in the basement of a friend’s or relative’s house. The only place left to go is deeper into their own minds, but because their minds are the true source of their terrors, this becomes their ultimate undoing.

At Level 8, Fives have tremendous difficulty distinguishing between the sensory impressions generated by the environment and those which have their origin in their fearful thoughts. Thus, unhealthy Fives see all of reality as an implacable, devouring force. The world appears to them like a delirious fever dream—an insane landscape, like something out of a Hieronymus Bosch painting. Almost nothing in the environment is a source of comfort or reassurance. The more Fives look at the world through their distorted perceptions, the more horrified and hopeless they become.

As their fears spread and grow in intensity, they encompass and distort more of reality until doing anything becomes impossible, because everything is charged with terrifying implications. Thus, neurotic Fives may begin to be incapacitated by phobias. Inanimate objects take on a sinister appearance—the ceiling is about to collapse on them, their armchair may swallow them up, the television is giving them brain cancer. They may also experience hallucinations—hearing voices or having grossly distorted visual perceptions. They begin to experience their bodies as alien, perceiving their physical selves as turning against them just as the environment has seemed to turn against them. Neurotic Fives cannot rest or sleep or distract themselves, because they must be vigilant—and because they cannot turn off their minds. As a result, they become physically exhausted, which only compounds their problems.

Even average Fives can have trouble sleeping, but unhealthy Fives literally cannot sleep. They are afraid of being more vulnerable to malevolent forces while they sleep and are also afraid of their dreams, which can be intensely violent and disturbing. They may increase their drug or alcohol use as a way of shutting down their minds, but this only adds to their exhaustion. Sleeplessness heightens the intensity of their thoughts, leading to hallucinations. The childhood monsters in the closet become real for them. Their fear and insomnia wear them down physically, leaving them emotionally volatile and physically fragile.

What begins to frighten neurotic Fives even more is that their thoughts seem to have a life of their own. Their thoughts are uncontrollable, scaring them when they do not want to be scared. Their minds race wildly and they become terrified by fears from which they cannot possibly escape, since, after all, their fears originate in themselves. Like Dr. Frankenstein, they are in danger of being destroyed by processes to which they themselves have given life.

Their healthy ability to find connections and to draw conclusions from disparate facts now works against them. Mental connections go haywire; they relate things which have no basis in fact, yet neurotic Fives are absolutely convinced that they are related. The behavior of birds becomes indicative of political trends. The number of raisins in a bowl of cereal portends the number of months to global cataclysm. Unhealthy Fives see existence as pointless and horrifying, yet constantly assign sinister meanings to trivial daily phenomena.

Unhealthy Fives are unable to stop the destructive force of their distorted thinking because they have cut themselves off from almost all of the constructive outlets for their tremendous mental energies. Their minds have become like a light bulb with more electricity coursing through its filament than it is designed to handle—five hundred watts through a one-hundred-watt bulb. Their thoughts blaze with a terrifying intensity which is rapidly burning them up. They cannot stop their horrific thoughts and fantasies and are almost completely incapable of doing anything positive for themselves. Worse, they resist all help from others, fearing that they will become even more powerless by accepting assistance. Getting help would also be the final confirmation of their own uselessness, their own inability to cope. They are likely to avoid or flee anyone reaching out to them.

Unhealthy Fives would like to destroy everything, so detestable has the world become in their eyes. Their rage, fear, and aggressions have become all-consuming and overwhelming, yet Fives are still unable to act or to discharge their destructive impulses and feelings. Their actions become erratic and irrational, even frightening, but they are still only minor responses to the eruptions of chaos in their psyches.

Life becomes unbearable: they seem to see too much, as if their eyelids had been removed. But the truth is that their minds are devouring them. The world becomes filled with terrors because their minds are filled with terrors. No part of their mind offers any solace or comfort.

Level 9: The Imploding Schizoid

To exert what little control remains over their growing terror and despair, neurotic Fives attempt to use the same defenses they have used all along—detachment and compartmentalization—but at this stage of pathology, these methods are ineffective at holding their fears at bay. They become increasingly schizoid, splitting off from terrifying parts of their psyches and identifying with whatever remaining ideas or fantasies offer some sense of power over their disintegration. But the relentless force of their fear keeps breaking through, leaving Fives feeling that they have no safe space left, even in their minds.

Ultimately, neurotic Fives come to believe that they can no longer defend themselves from hostile forces in the world or from the terrors in their own minds. In fact, most Fives at this Level cannot distinguish between these two realms: they have collapsed into one continuous experience of pain and horror. At this point, Fives want everything to stop. They want cessation, to end all experience in oblivion. There are two main ways that they are likely do this.

The first and most obvious of these is suicide. Like unhealthy Fours, neurotic Fives are likely to take their own lives, although for somewhat different reasons. Fours destroy themselves out of self-hatred and to silently accuse those who they feel have let them down. Fives tend to commit suicide because they see life as meaningless and horrifying. There is simply no point in continuing to exist. (Of course Fives with a Four-wing and Fours with a Five-wing will display some combination of these motivations.) All that unhealthy Fives perceive in themselves and the world fills them with terror and nausea. They conclude that the only way to stop their horrible experiences is to stop all experience. Like Hamlet, the prospect of “not being” becomes a “consummation devoutly to be wished.”

If they do not commit suicide, unhealthy Fives “solve” the problem of how to control their minds, especially the overwhelming anxiety produced by their consuming phobias, by unconsciously splitting consciousness into two parts. Neurotic Fives retreat into that part of themselves which seems safe, regressing into an autistic-like state which resembles psychosis.

At this final Level, Fives may defend themselves from reality by unconsciously cutting themselves off from every connection with it. To put this another way, unhealthy Fives are so terrorized by their thoughts that they must get rid of them somehow. They do so by identifying with the emptiness that remains within themselves when they detach from their remaining identifications. In effect, they detach themselves from themselves, like parents who, to stop being tormented by the memories of a dead child, throw away everything that reminds them of the child. The result is that neurotic Fives live in a totally empty house—the self which has been purged of everything that reminds them of their terrifying and painful attachments to the world.

Thus, neurotic Fives deteriorate into a state of inner emptiness and, if they continue to live this way, in all probability into a form of schizophrenia. *

All their former intellectual intensity and capacity for involvement is gone. Fives at this stage are utterly isolated from their environment, from other people, and from their inner life—from their ability to think, to feel, and to do.

Unhealthy Fives have finally succeeded in putting distance between themselves and the environment, although at the price of completely removing themselves from it through suicide or a schizoid break. The irony is, however, that Fives retreat from reality to gain the time and space to build their confidence and ability to deal with life, but they ultimately destroy their own confidence and talents, even their own life, through their fear and isolation. Those Fives who do not take their own lives may end up living a life of helplessness, dependency, or incarceration—the very situation they most feared—as a result of severe psychotic breaks with reality. In a final effort to escape from the horrors around them, Fives attempt to remove themselves from the environment. But what they have removed themselves from is not actually reality, but the projection of their anxieties about reality. They have succeeded only in removing themselves from their thoughts and feelings. Once neurotic Fives have done this, they become unable to cry out to anyone from the void they have created within themselves. All is emptiness within the abyss of the purged self.

THE DYNAMICS OF THE FIVE

The Direction of Disintegration: The Five Goes to Seven

Starting at Level 4, Fives under stress will begin to exhibit many of the qualities of average to unhealthy Sevens. Average Fives tend to retreat from connection with others and from activities in the world which they fear they will be unable to accomplish. Thus they become increasingly narrow in their focus and concerns. The move to Seven can be seen as an unconscious reaction to this shrinking of the Five’s world, albeit in the scattered, hyperactive discharge of anxiety found in the average to unhealthy Seven.

At Level 4, Fives are focusing their energies in studying, practicing, and preparing. They do not feel confident to enter the arena of life and believe that further developing their knowledge and skills will give them the protection they need to survive. Along with this, however, comes a desire for variety and a restlessness of mind characteristic of type Seven. Also like Sevens, Fives at this Level are constantly acquiring information, building their collections of music, books, and videos, or whatever else captures their interest. They move from one topic to another, looking for the subject that will satisfy them, for the project they can really get involved with. But in this state of restlessness, none of their pursuits are entirely satisfactory to them.

At Level 5, Fives have become even more preoccupied and involved with their projects and ideas. They are beginning to isolate themselves socially and to become more focused on their thoughts than on the world around them. Fives begin to be starved for stimulation, and under stress may begin to involve themselves with a wide variety of experiences which do not relate directly to their central projects or motivations. They distract themselves with video games, movies, and science fiction and horror novels. They love to let their minds free-associate, and can enjoy moments of silliness and offbeat humor which often surprise the people around them. Fives under stress may also develop a taste for nightlife, exploring restaurants, bars, and nightclubs—often as voyeurs. They will usually be secretive about this, however, and few of their friends will be aware of this aspect of their lives. As their anxiety escalates, so does their desire for distraction and stimulation.

At Level 6, Fives are becoming more fearful, and despair of ever finding a niche for themselves. They become threatened by most interactions with others and can be antagonistic and provocative in defense of their intellectual or creative “turf.” They get into high gear in their avoidance of anxiety, and can be insensitive and aggressive in their pursuit of whatever they want at the time. The jaded, calloused qualities of the Seven only reinforce the Five’s growing cynicism, making them impatient with people and extremely hardened in their view of the world. Some may find them wild and exciting at this level, but most people are put off by their intense, bristling energy. Further, Fives under stress will not hesitate to use drugs or alcohol to quell their anxieties. They will pursue whatever offers them relief from their pain and fears, even if their escape is costly and short-lived.

At Level 7, unhealthy Fives are extremely isolated, cut off from contact with others and the world, and consequently have no constructive outlets for their inner intensity. When they go to Seven, they discharge this energy in a variety of escapist behaviors, which only makes them more dissipated and incapable. Unhealthy Fives lurch from an isolated, fearful state to one of wild activity. Their minds are beginning to run out of control, and when they can no longer contain their fear, this enormous mental turbulence gets acted out in impulsive and often irresponsible ways. They lunge into mindless activity, by which they succeed only in getting themselves into worse trouble and more serious conflicts with the environment. They are irrational, have extremely poor judgment, and make poor choices about which actions to take. When others question their self-destructive escapism, their responses can be abusive and infantile.

At Level 8, Fives are full of terrors and cannot distinguish the horrific images that erupt from their unconscious from reality. Under increased stress, their behavior becomes manic and reckless. Moving to Seven now, deteriorated Fives go totally out of control. Some of the terrible things they have feared may actually happen as a result of their erratic and irresponsible behavior. And as fearful as Fives have become, they are often heedless and unaware of real dangers. For example, they may be killed—not because they are devoured by their furniture or exposed to death rays from their television, but because, not watching where they are going, they get run over by a truck. Out-of-control Fives are reckless and accident-prone: they may be poisoned, not by the KGB but because they mistakenly ate something they should not have. Neurotic Fives need to reestablish contact with reality (particularly the positive aspects of it), although at this Level they are completely incapable of doing so. They act impulsively, erratically, and hysterically, like a manic-depressive Seven, becoming increasingly unstable and unpredictable.

At Level 9, Fives are consumed with terror and are desperate to escape the horrors they perceive around them. Similarly, they cannot find anything in themselves which inspires confidence or gives them any sense that they will be able to cope with the rest of their lives. Fearing that they have reached some sort of horrible dead end, they may compulsively do permanent harm to themselves or someone else. Even if they do not kill themselves, their reckless activities may well have severely damaged their health and limited their ability to pursue any further activities. Like unhealthy Sevens, they are debilitated, burned-out, and paralyzed with fear. As anxiety reaches an ever new pitch, they may do something irrevocable, such as impulsively killing someone or committing suicide.

The Direction of Integration: The Five Goes to Eight

Fives typically do not feel that they know enough to act: there is always more to know. They will always feel insecure until they have mastered the real world and are not simply masters of their own minds. From a psychoanalytic point of view, their egos are typically too weak for the ids—their aggressions and other impulses tend to overpower their minds.

This no longer happens to healthy, integrating Fives because they have incorporated their perceptions of the world into themselves by identifying with them instead of merely observing them. They no longer identify just with their thoughts, but also with the objects of their thoughts. Thus, integrating Fives have overcome their fear of the environment and are learning to trust it. Hence their self-confidence grows, after the manner of healthy Eights.

When they go to Eight, Fives also realize that, as little as they think they know, it is still more than almost anyone else. They also realize that they do not have to know absolutely everything before they can act. They will learn more as they do more; they will be able to solve new problems as they arise. They understand that they will know what they need to know when they need to know it. Their confidence will come not from some collection of skills or some vast body of information that they have memorized, but from a real connection with their presence in the world. They then experience themselves not as separate from the world, not as a helpless speck, but as a powerful, integral part of it.

Integrating Fives act from a realization of their own genuine mastery. While they do not know everything, they know enough to lead others with confidence. The correctness of their ideas has been so well confirmed by reality that they no longer fear acting. They acquire the courage it takes to put their ideas, and consequently themselves, on the line. Thus, integrating Fives realize that they are able to contribute something worthwhile to others. As a result, their thoughts are finally given expression in action and possibly in leadership. Integrating Fives show others how to do what only they know how to do. And, as we have seen, the practical value of their ideas may be incalculable.

THE MAJOR SUBTYPES OF THE FIVE

The Five with a Four-Wing: “The Iconoclast”

The traits of the Five and those of the Four reinforce each other in many ways. Both Five and Four are withdrawn types: they turn to the inner world of their imagination to defend their egos and to reinforce their sense of self. They both feel that something essential in themselves must be found before they can live their lives completely. Fives lack the confidence to act, and Fours lack a strong, stable sense of identity. Thus, Fives with a Four-wing have difficulty connecting with others and staying grounded. People of this subtype are more emotional and introverted than Fives with a Six-wing, although paradoxically, they tend to be more sociable than the other subtype. As a result of their Four component, they are also more interested in the personal and intrapsychic. The two types also have some significant differences in their approach. Fives are cerebral, holding experience at arm’s length, while Fours internalize everything to intensify their feelings. Despite these differences—or because of them—these two personality types make one of the richest subtypes, combining possibilities for outstanding artistic as well as intellectual achievement. Noteworthy examples of this subtype include Albert Einstein, Werner Heisenburg, Friedrich Nietzsche, Georgia O'Keeffe, John Cage, John Lennon, k. d. lang, Laurie Anderson, James Joyce, Emily Dickinson, Stanley Kubrick, David Lynch, Buster Keaton, Gary Larson, Stephen King, Tim Burton, Clive Barker, Franz Kafka, Umberto Eco, Jean-Paul Sartre, Oriana Fallaci, Glenn Gould, Peter Serkin, Hannah Arendt, Kurt Cobain, and Vincent van Gogh.

In healthy people of this subtype, we find the union of intuition and knowledge, sensitivity and insight, aesthetic appreciation and intellectual endowments. Fives with a Four-wing are likely to be involved in the arts as writers, directors, designers, musicians, composers, choreographers, and so forth. This subtype has been somewhat overlooked in many descriptions of Fives because they do not fit the stereotype of the academic/scientific Five (the Five with a Six-wing). This subtype is more synthetic in its thinking, pulling things together and seeking out new ways of looking at things. Also, Fives with a Four-wing tend to utilize their imaginations more than the analytic, systematic parts of the mind which are more the domain of the other subtype. If they are involved in science, Fives with a Four-wing are drawn to those areas in which there is less emphasis on experimentation and data collection than on intuition and comprehensive vision. This subtype is particularly aware of—and on the lookout for—the beauty in a mathematical formula, for example. For this subtype, beauty is one of the indications of truth, because the order which beauty represents is a confirmation of the objective lightness of an idea. One of the foremost strengths of healthy Fives with a Four-wing lies precisely in their intuition, since intuition helps them uncover areas of knowledge where their conscious thoughts have not yet ventured. The Fourwing adds a desire to find a unique, personal vision to the curiosity and perceptiveness of the Five, and the result is a propensity to “tinker” with familiar forms until they become something almost unrecognizable. In talented Fives with a Four-wing this can lead to startling innovations in their chosen fields of endeavor.

In Average Fives with a Four-wing, the Four-wing adds emotional depth, but causes difficulties in sustaining efforts and in working with others. Fives with a Four-wing are more independent than Fives with a Six-wing and resist having structures and deadlines imposed on them. There can be an off-putting detachment from the environment, both because they are involved in their thoughts and because they are introverted and emotionally self-absorbed. Analytic powers may be used to keep people at arm’s length rather than to understand them more deeply. Emotionally delicate, people of this subtype can be moody and hypersensitive to criticism, particularly regarding the value of their work or ideas, since this impinges directly upon self-esteem. Both component types tend to withdraw from people and be reclusive. They can be highly creative and imaginative, envisioning alternate realities in great detail, but can get lost in their own cerebral landscapes. The Four-wing gives a propensity to fantasizing, but with the Five with the Four-wing, the subject matter tends toward the surreal and fantastic rather than the romantic. Individuals of this subtype can become highly impractical, spending most of their time reading, playing intellectual games, or specializing in trivia. There is often an attraction to dark, forbidden subject matter or to any way of self-expression which would disturb or upset others. Some Fives with a Four-wing become fascinated with the macabre and the horrific. As they become more impractical and fearful about their possibilities in life, one typical solution is to find emotional solace in various forms of self-indulgence—in alcohol, drugs, or sexual escapades.

Unhealthy persons of this subtype may fall prey to debilitating depressions yet be disturbed by aggressive impulses. Envy of others mixes with contempt for them; the desire to isolate the self from the world mixes with regret that it must be so. Intellectual conflicts make their emotional lives seem hopeless, while their emotional conflicts make intellectual work difficult to sustain. Moreover, if this subtype becomes neurotic, it is one of the most alienated of all of the personality types: profoundly hopeless, nihilistic, self-inhibiting, isolated from others, and full of self-hatred. Unhealthy Fives with a Four-wing retreat into a very bleak, minimal existence, attempting to cut off from all needs. The self-rejection and despair of the Four combines with the cynical nihilism of the Five to create a worldview that is relentlessly negative and terrifying. Social isolation, addiction, and chronic depression are common. Suicide is a real possibility.

The Five with a Six-Wing: “The Problem Solver”

This subtype is the one that has been most often associated with Fives—the intellectual who is interested in science, technology, acquiring facts and details. Fives with a Six-wing are the “analysts” and “cataloguers” of their environments; they are problem solvers and excel at dissecting the components of a problem or thing to discover how it works. The traits of the Five and those of the Six-wing combine to produce one of the most “difficult” of the personality types to contact intimately or to sustain a relationship with. Both components, the Five and the Six, are in the Thinking Triad, and Fives with a Six-wing are perhaps the most intellectual of all the subtypes. They also tend to be more disengaged from their feelings than Fives with a Four-wing. Persons of this subtype have problems trusting others, both because they are essentially Fives and because the Six-wing reinforces anxiety, making any kind of risk taking in relationships difficult. However, the coping mechanisms of the Five and Six are somewhat at odds, creating an inner tension between the two components. Fives find security by withdrawing from others while Sixes find security by working cooperatively with others. Hence, their interpersonal relations are erratic, and in general are not an important part of their lives. Noteworthy examples of this subtype include Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Sigmund Freud, Simone Weil, Jacob Bronowski, Charles Darwin, Edward O. Wilson, Karl Marx, James Watson, Ursula K. LeGuin, Alfred Hitchcock, Doris Lessing, Cynthia Ozick, Bobby Fischer, B. F. Skinner, Isaac Asimov, Howard Hughes, Ezra Pound, and Theodore Kaczynski.

Healthy people of this subtype are more extroverted and focused on the external world than Fives with a Four-wing. They are not particularly introspective, preferring to observe and understand the world around them. Healthy Fives with a Six-wing observe the world with extraordinary clarity, combining the Five’s drive for mastery with the Six’s quest for certainty. The result is a gift for drawing meaningful conclusions from disparate facts, and an ability to make predictions based on those conclusions. They are often drawn to technical subjects, engineering, science, and philosophy, as well as inventing and repair work. The Six-wing gives this subtype a greater ability to cooperate with others and to bring a disciplined, persistent approach to their endeavors. There is more aptitude for and interest in the practical matters of life, and with sufficient talent, Fives with a Six-wing can combine their innovation with business savvy, sometimes with very lucrative results. Their attention is more often directed at objects than at people, although they identify strongly with key people in their lives. They may feel things deeply, but are extremely restrained in their emotional expression. In them we find an intellectual playfulness, a good sense of humor, as well as other attractive, lovable qualities. If others have been tested and permitted to come closer, they discover that people of this subtype have a deep capacity for friendship and commitment. There is also an endearing element in their desire to be accepted by others, and even if they are sometimes socially clumsy, others cannot help but be touched by their eagerness to reach out to people.

However, average persons of this subtype generally have problems with relationships. The Six-wing provides good organizational abilities and an endearing personal quality, but also adds to the Five’s anxiety and fearfulness. They do not seem to know what to do with their feelings, much less how to express them directly. Hence we find an insensitivity to their own feelings and emotional needs, as well as to the feelings and emotional needs of others. They have little awareness about how they communicate themselves to others. (They are the classic intellectual nerd, the socially inept oddball.) Average Fives with a Six-wing can become extremely preoccupied, theoretical, and absent-minded. They are totally wrapped up with intellectual pursuits and live completely in their minds, immersing themselves in their work to the exclusion of everything else. When interpersonal conflicts arise, average Fives with a Six-wing avoid resolving problems by burying themselves even more deeply in their intellectual work, and by employing passive-aggressive techniques, putting off people and problems rather than dealing with them directly. They can be rebellious and argumentative for no apparent reason, although something may have touched off unconscious emotional associations. Fives with a Six-wing tend to cling more tenaciously to their views and theories (reductionism) and to antagonize people who disagree with them, whereas Fives with a Four-wing tend to reject all meaning (nihilism) and to disturb the certainty of people who seem secure.

Unhealthy people of this subtype tend to be suspicious of people and to have counterphobic, contentious, and volatile reactions to others. They are extremely fearful of intimacy of any sort and can be highly unstable, with paranoid tendencies. Unconsciously seeking rescue, they also fearfully reject and antagonize their supporters. The isolation and mental distortion we see in unhealthy Fives are reinforced by the Six-wing’s paranoia, inferiority feelings, and conviction of being persecuted. Neurotic Fives with a Six-wing ultimately become extremely phobic, projecting dangers everywhere while retreating from all social interaction. They may lash out at imagined enemies, sometimes with lethal results. Psychotic breaks and madness are possible.

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS

Taking an overall view of the Five, we can see that there has been a struggle between various pairs of polar opposites: between thinking and doing, between a fascination with the world and a fear of the world, between identification with others and rejection of them, between love and hate. This process of attraction to and repulsion from the environment as a whole began with their ambivalence toward their parents. But unfortunately, what happens is that Fives gradually become so obsessed with defending themselves from potential threats from the environment—that is, from whatever they see as harmful and dangerous—that they also exclude the good. Eventually, there is nothing in the world with which Fives can identify, nothing true or valuable in which they can believe. The final result is total nihilism: there is nothing left to which they can attach themselves.

Like every other personality type which becomes gripped in the downward spiral of neurosis, Fives bring about the very thing they most fear: that they are helpless, useless, and incompetent. The irony is that they have become helpless and incompetent because they have rejected attachment to everything. And by intensifying their involvement with their mental processes, instead of finding security or power, Fives have brought about their own insecurity and powerlessness.

It is a tragic end. If there is something perverse and dark—even demonic—about Fives, it is that to protect themselves they have relentlessly repulsed the world and other human beings. What then is left? Only a fascination with—and a terrifying attraction to—the darkness.

[hereticaloracles]

New Moon in Virgo- Voodoo Queen

“I don’t think that I was trying to entertain the reader more than I was trying to purge myself.” – Curtis Sittenfeld

Artemis’ Tarot Take on the New Moon in Virgo- Do you ever get the feeling that you want to scrub your soul clean?  You peel and you cut and you rip out all the tangled pieces and you still can’t seem to detach yourself from all the bullshit that surrounds you, day in and day out, wearing at your very bones like overzealous sandpaper.  It’s like you’ve been marked from birth, right on the fucking forehead, so that everyone you encounter can see your pain.  They can feel the gloom oozing off of you and the unclean feeling inside has made your skin pale and your clothes dirty and your belongings in disarray. It’s like no matter what you do, you are stuck with whatever sins have attached themselves to you…  Or are you?

Helios’ Astrological Angle on the New Moon in Virgo- Well, here we go again, ma chère- Time for the Virgo checkup. Open wide! Of course, with all the other drama going on, the normal nurse and doctor jokes don’t exactly fit. This one reeks more like an exorcism. The past Full Moon showed us as snakes, molting and shedding our old skins- Now we have to walk out into the world with brand new, but thin and sensitive skin. We are out in the world, alone, raw and vulnerable. How can we protect ourselves? Well, it is time that we take a more aggressive approach, and remove those who would cause us harm from our lives with extreme prejudice. We’ve binged for long enough, Heretics- its time to purge.

The Sun (Ace of Swords) & Moon (Knight of Cups), Venus (Queen of Pentacles), Jupiter (Justice), Uranus (Knight of Swords), and Chiron (3 of Wands)-  Under this moon, the idea of “boundaries” seems to be consistently coming up – and lo and behold, I pull the Queen of Pentacles for Venus. Without boundaries, you become too porous and you allow other people’s gritty, nasty bullshit to penetrate through your delicate skin. You’re obviously the empathic type if you are reaching out to the aid of those around you, but what you need to realize is that injured people can subconsciously behave like vampires (and they’ll make excuse after excuse for their vampiric behavior). We’re all worn the fuck out right now, and the moon is fragile in Virgo – meaning you’re going to want to huddle away and work in your own dream world right now and that is perfectly fine. The world outside is harsh, people are harsher still, and we all need a period of recharging after the intensity of Leo/Virgo season.

We’re all walking around like burnouts right now and people are at their emotional wit’s end. This is where the idea of Hermit Virgo comes in… You need to stow away, do your work in your own space surrounded by things you love in your own order, and REST. If you are pushing yourself too much, giving all you can give to your job, to your friends, to whatever bum on the street that asks you for a cigarette, then you have essentially emptied yourself into a vessel. Now it is time to set strict boundaries and do your own work, study, plan, and set shit into motion for the autumn/winter and fill your empty vessel with what you really need, because this winter is going to be a fucking hard one, folks (just looking at the astrology for it has been giving us shivers). That last Pisces full moon drained the fuck out of the majority of us, and Chaotic bullshit has been coming left and right dislodging us from our path or giving us wild opportunities – one or the other, but are we too fucking tired and drained to take those opportunities?  Rest.  Rest, recharge, and get those fucking vampires out of your life. Honestly, aren’t you sick of having the help you give being thrown back in your face? The ones you care for need to learn how to appreciate you. And you, my friend, need to learn how to appreciate yourself and see yourself as a sovereign being who extends help because they are abundant and capable of doing so. I know, because you have felt so much pain, you want to help ease the pain of others. But sometimes you need to let go for a while so that both you and they can strengthen enough to keep going on the healing path.

The Sun & Moon, Venus, Jupiter, Uranus, and Chiron– Ho boy. So starting off, you will be at an ebb emotionally- joie de vivre will be a foreign concept to you. The goal is to get back to that state, but you will need to take some extreme steps to get back there. To truly get what you want now, I am throwing all my previous advice out the window and telling you to finally hermit. Take this time right now to sequester yourself, and really lock yourself in with your demons. This Astro reminds me of when you do an Ayahuasca ceremony- you have to separate yourself from the mundane world and make a space sacred. Right now, you need to take this practice and apply it to your life- You need to remove yourself from those elements of your life that drain you, those who want to use you and your gifts for their own ends.

The problem with this, as it often is, is attachment. The people who have the potential to hurt us the most are the ones we care the most about. You must not allow them to hurt you any further. To really make this work, you have to be willing to harden your heart and become a badass to people who might think that they are acting in your best interest while their thoughtlessness hurts you- and risk hurting them with your reaction. Ironically, those who have malicious intent towards you will hardly bat an eye- they’ll shrug and move on to their next target because there is always another mark. Take no joy or guilt in severing the connections of those who you know in your heart of hearts that you cannot allow in your life, but do so dispassionately and not maliciously. It is a tough line to straddle but you need to get it right to truly master this Moon.

Even so, that just sets the stage for the work that you need to do- this is a Moon that demands diving deep into yourself, dredging up the oldest and darkest parts of who you are. If you are feeling stuck and unsatisfied with your life, take the time to be by yourself and identify what you feel you are missing or lacking in order to truly feel whole. If you are feeling enraged and irritated at everything, withdraw from your stimulus and figure out what triggers are being pushed on you and what this stems from. You have to go down into the root of the problem, and most likely it will be something so far in your past that you have completely forgotten about it- but you must exorcise these demons before you can truly move on. This moon is both a place to stop to catch your breath, and a new challenge all its own- You need to be both open to the world and ready to stab it in the throat if it comes for you.

Minor Planets: Ceres, Vesta, Eros, Black Moon Lilith, Eris, Sedna, Quaoar, Rhadamanthus, Typhon, Hekate, Achilles, Heracles, Sisyphus, Pholus, Orius

Mercury (The Fool), Mars (10 of Swords), and Neptune (Ace of Pentacles)- Ah, fuck, more indication that we are just fucking worn the fuck out. But, hey, good news. Libra season is coming and with it the element of air. Things will get moving again, and this includes ideas and projects that have been stuck. Right now you have one enemy and one enemy only – yourself. You are going to need to ground the fuck out of your being right now, and that includes killing your illusions that you are somehow not capable of holding onto your burdens anymore. As the Christians say, God only gives us what we are capable of dealing with, and honestly, this is on point. Your experiences are what is going to shape you into a powerhouse figure that can actually make a change in this world. If you only had to deal with easy breezy situations in your lifetime, you would be some rich housewife at the Cape getting trashed off of White Zinf for the second time that day because you have done about 5 minutes of soul growth your entire life. It is the hardship, the struggle, that breeds a hero. The planets are egging you on – “Take a chance, here, we have provided you with chances,” but you keep on doggedly running toward the shit you are habituated to. During this moon, you need to learn to BREAK YOUR HABITS and make new ones. You are feeling drained and run down because what you have been doing has reached its end.

It is time to die.  Create the ritual space for it. This is a perfect New Moon rite. Go home and surround yourself with symbols of all the things you want to change in your life, say goodbye to them one by one, and go bury them in the dirt under the black moon. Mourn, as mourning is nurturing the soul, and begin your new life. Don’t forget, on many levels, you chose this life. You chose this life for a reason that nags and tugs at you during the darkest hours of the night. Move toward that reason, and don’t let go. This is 2017, the year of the Star. Our hope is being decimated so that it can be tested. How far will you keep running toward your pole star before you give up and think you are never getting out of the forest?  How deep is your will to live?  How desperately do you truly want to create change in this world?  That sort of big, dramatic change doesn’t come easy. And it comes with a lot of grueling preparation… Do you think you can lift a 200 lb weight without months and months of training?  Fuck no. So what makes you feel like you can lift the weight of the world without these trials?

Mercury, Mars, and Neptune– The main concern of this Moon is that it has Mars opposite Neptune, and Mercury closely influencing. This means that no matter what you do, you will feel as though you are running into a brick wall, and the harder you try the less successful you are. This will lead to more and more mounting internal frustration, as you question whether you are doing the right thing. Take a step back, re-examine your current actions to determine if they really line up with your wants and needs. If they do not, then adjust accordingly, no matter how difficult it may seem. You may need to allow yourself to give up on something that you have sunk a lot of time and effort into, and you cant let that hold you back from moving forward. Is your effort truly being well-spent? Are you getting what you want out of this? Or is it not really worth the investment you are making? Only you can answer this, but be willing to ask the question, and seriously accept the truth of the answer even if it hurts.

Why do you persist in fighting for what no longer serves you? For what you cant admit that you truly hate? Even if you are the best in the world at it, is it truly worth doing if it hangs around your neck like a weight? Take a minute and imagine your life if you just walked away, how that would feel. Just sit with that for a second. My bet is that it feels like freedom, with a slight tinge of disappointment and regret. Stop keeping yourself prisoner when you hold the keys to your own cell! Just walk out. I promise it will not be the end of the world.

Minor Planets: Psyche, Teharonhiawako, Altjira, Orcus, Chariklo, Circe, Iris, Terpsichore, Tantalus, Asclepius, Requiem

Saturn (Queen of Cups) and Plut0 (Page of Wands)- It’s time to reach right into your psyche and become a metaphysician. What are the ghosts you have been projecting into your life?  Do you, for some reason, believe that there is no spirit in matter, that there is no healing in pain, that there is no point at all to this existence here on this plane?  My friend, you are right. You are a mere insignificant pebble on the surface of a monstrous giant, so that should assure you that you have no fucking idea what is really significant and what isn’t. You may feel that you need some sort of career to fulfill you. Trust me, some of the most successful people in the world become blubbering fools who would shit in buckets and watch movie re-runs day in and day out (just ask Howard Hughs).  Not a single soul on this planet knows how to be “happy” because there is no final state of “happiness.” You need to become acceptant of the cycles of time, of the cycles of your body, of the cycles of your emotions and listen. Happiness, like sadness, comes in waves. We can’t just respect one without respecting the other. Misery pushes creation, and loneliness pushes appreciation.

We decided to leave Eden for a reason because it was a fabrication and we wanted true knowledge. You keep seeking answers to this universe because you, too, do not want to live in a fabrication constructed by society to keep you enslaved in other people’s paradigms. Do not beat yourself up because your successes aren’t measured as such by the brain-dead zombies of general society that laugh at you while you read Nietzche and scoff at you when you talk about how our government rapes and pilages in countries so far away we need a tv screen to acknowledge it.

In short, do not live in lies, and that includes your own personal life. Do not pretend your job is worth it just because it pays well when you know it is killing you every single day. Don’t stay with someone just because you feel like you can’t do any better, and don’t keep friends around just because you don’t know what you would do without them – no matter how much time and energy you have put into them. It is time to think about yourself. It is time to draw upon your own sovereign power and to see just what you can do when you burn the blood sucking leaches off of you, and live unabashed to be yourself. You are a wolf among sheep, now start acting like it.

Saturn and Pluto– Okay so now you really need to get serious. More than anything, you WANT something out of this life, and its time to start proving that you are willing to do what it takes to do it. I know there is a ton going on for you right now, and so what? Life is tough- you have to be tougher. Especially now. Quit your bitching, moaning, and wallowing in self-pity. The planets don’t give a damn if life is hard, and nor does anyone else. They have their own problems to worry about without yours. So stop whining to any sympathetic ear that will listen and pick yourself up by the cojones. It’s high time you get back up and start kicking ass again. It will only get harder from here, so you better make damn sure that you are able to put in the work, or go back home, cry and watch Netflix til you inevitable fade away into irrelevance.

We have too much work to do, and it is too important for anyone who isn’t willing to tear this world apart to make their vision a reality. The choice is yours.

Minor Planets: Pallas Athene, Pandora, Sila-Nunam, Borasisi, Deucalion, Siwa, Damocles, Echeclus, Eurydike, Niobe

New Moon in Virgo- Voodoo Queen was originally published on Heretical Oracles

[quentatan]

And Hell Followed

We are not body. We are not mind. We are not soul. We are many. We are one. For peace. For prosperity. We are the Ten.

“Dirt, two mikes.” The warning cut through the silence. Some people were praying, some were running sight diagnostics. Most of them were stretching; winning wars is limber work.

The Gargoyle gunners were working hard. Even through the ship’s filters, there was a hint of ozone, and the heavy coilguns were rocking every few seconds. The troop bay was filled with a vibration that was one part gyrodrives, one part repeaters laying down the hate.

“Dirt in thirty.”

Captain Remus was at the ramp, rifle in hand. Everyone pinged green.

“Para Mars,” he commed. In his ears a hundred voices replied.

“Para Sol.”

“Victory or death.”

The ramps dropped, revealing a relatively calm suburban street. Omega poured out, clearing the nearest houses. Maradon hardly seemed like a warzone.

Orcus, this is Santa Claus. Ten seconds. Ho ho ho. Over.

“Christmas is coming. Ten seconds.”

It was a beautiful house. Maybe it qualified as a mansion? Either way there were shells thumping out of it every few seconds. So they were clearing out artillery in the suburbs the old-fashioned way with ground pounders. Well... It didn’t seem fair to call a pulsebeam “old-fashioned”, but scopes were picking up way too many MGs to be fun. So Albert Remus did what any sane man would do. He called in gunships to destroy the pretty mansion.

The seconds counted down and... now it was rubble. Missiles. It was like getting coal under the tree.

“Three bravo, get the brass a BDA, would you?”

“We’re on it, sir.”

Orcus, this is Rampart. Relay Whitewolf. Over.

Rampart, this is Orcus actual. Send relay. over.

Nice house for a FOB. Grid romeo victory alpha tango five six six three zero four seven three two zero. How copy? Over.

Solid copy. Relay violet. Over.

Relay violet. Out.

“Three bravo how’s that piece of paper?”

“Five letters, sir.”

“Alright gents, we’re dusting off, five mikes. PLs on me.”

This house was not particularly beautiful. It did have lots of concrete and was technically not a house. It wasn’t clear what it had been, but it had a large walled yard and some gantries. Whitewolf was hanging out with a few locals when they arrived. It was admittedly odd, but they had stacked bags of concrete for the gantries.

The civilians, it turned out, were a bunch of cops and firefighters. Apparently the Dominion wasn’t too popular in the area of New Vladisgrad.

“Coalition troops, mostly Dominion regulars, hold the city west of MSR Zebra. North of ASR Gazelle are some Earth boys, but main lines are primarily further north at Rittersburg. Rampart has seven divisions pushing west up there. Down here, not much going on. There are some militia south and west of the city, mostly supporting the coalies. Most of the militia from the eastern and northern suburbs are working with these fine ladies and gentlemen of the Asprenova County Sheriff and Fire Departments. We’re here to slowly drive the ‘equatorial scum’ out of their fine city. They will in turn either convince their crosstown cousins to join us or kill them.”

“So... hit and run, some counterinsurgency, until Dominion lines around the capital collapse?”

“Bingo, Al.”

“What are we calling our fancy new abandoned factory?”

“Figured I’d leave it to you. I already got to name the highways.”

“I like Gondolin.”

“You fucking nerd.”

“Shit yeah.”

Three months and nothing had moved. Far to their north, three Commonwealth divisions were stalled in Marsgorod City. To their north, a hundred thousand Ardans were slowly advancing through the Trotsky archipelago. On the far side of the planet, the Carolans were slugging it out in the industrial cities of Novyarkhankhgelsk. The last Dominion orbital stations had fallen last month, but they’d withdrawn their last ships to atmosphere. They still had corvettes running supplies, and loyalists had turned their cities into fortresses. Short of burning civilians out, there wasn’t a way of effectively grounding the Maradonians or silencing their SAMs.

So here we are. At the far end of a thousand miles of Solar troops and some local militia. Sniping across a highway until somebody else moves.

Seven months, we’re still here but things are finally moving. Ardans cleared the Troskies, so three of their divisions are crossing the pole and the other two are coming south.

“Rampart wants to turn their flanks. The Carolans are going to make a concentrated push and try to simply shatter resistance in Novy. The capital metro is too thick though, so the other two Ardan divisions are hitting the north coast. Fourth and Seventh IXIDs are joining the fray as well, coming down over the Transverse Sea, respectively Novy and Koberezh. At the same time, our brothers in the First are shifting to our immediate northern flank.

“Our Apsrenovan friends will be on the southern flank. Our task is to punch a hole through enemy lines west of MSR Zebra. First Expeditioners, reinforced by additional Asprenovan militia, will advance through the northern suburbs to sweep everything to our north. We expect Dominion units to begin withdrawing west and north after that. Hope is, we chase them all the way to Rittersburg where we link up with Fourteenth Ten and cut off militia and guerilla units on the peninsula. From there, we detach to rejoin the Asprenovans and clear out those cut off units while the regulars do the dirty up north. You should have maps on HUD. Any questions?”

“Whitewolf?”

“The ORCA will be infiltrating ahead of time, make sure we don’t run into any surprises and provide a little distraction. Checking your maps, gridzone RVAT 564 475, there’s an apartment building and a small metro station. Belief is enemy have been stockpiling missiles in the station and have an access tunnel to the apartments. Whitewolf are going to blow the station somehow just as we’re crossing the MSR. Santa Claus takes care of the bad guys.”

So we’re a few hours into Operation Reacharound and shit’s further south than we are. Whitewolf blew the metro station and a shitload of ordnance in it, and we’re all safely on the west side of New Vladisgrad. The Fourth Imperial Division made landfall in Novy easy enough and met up with the Carolans, so even though the equatorial skies are still contested, major industrial capacity is cut off.

The probems are to our north. We connected with 1/1 and pushed Coalition regulars out of the city, but lasers out of Rittersburg hit our gunships pretty hard. So their southern flank is anchored at Rittersburg. The problem with that is the failure of Seventh IXID, who are strung out in West Koberezh but held there. Ardan Third Corps is similarly situated along the North Coast.

What it looks like is that instead of shifting weapons to Novy, the Coalies were shifting personnel back here. The only upsides are that the Fourth Imperials are joining Seventh, and the Asprenova Peninsula is cut off. Rittersburg is strongly defended, but we have it surrounded on three sides.

“I’m sure you’ve heard the news out of Eastern Marsgorod.”

Clement sneered. “Fucking barbaric.”

“Well, it brings our casualties into the hundreds of thousands, but it gives us one advantage.”

“Alan, how the hell is there an upside to those cunts dropping a city on our men?” Hadrian pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Two words: better scopes.”

Some of the gathered officers whispered to each other. Most of them were still staring at the live images out of the city. Clouds of dust where there had been skyscrapers and several Allied divisions. Coszic looked up at the young general. “I like it.”

“They started this. We need to finish it.”

The whispers quieted. Alan Young was right in more ways than one. This ward had dragged on for longer even than some of them had served. Thousands of cities had burned and millions were dead. Back home, images of the Midworlds alight with pulsebeams and lasers were causing horror. Replacements were told stories of “fire like a flood”, and planets turned to ash. It wasn’t all that hyperbolic. Still, nothing they’d seen compared to Maradon. It had been rather sedate when it began, but Dominion forces had rapidly solidified their lines and bogged down several dozen Allied divisions on the continent of Komelsk.

Viktr broke the silence. He was the only one who had served through the whole bloody affair. His cousin Michael had fallen in the first wave of attacks and scarcely a week later he and Olympia had been over this very planet, probing its defensive and crippling half a dozen cruisers in the process. He’d been over New Folsom when they got Solars out. When Regus Secundus fell, it was his fleet in orbit. It was by his command that the attacks on Maradon had been methodical, cautious. He’d seen more bloodshed than his entire staff combined.

“My cousin is young and he is rash. Burn them until the survivors surrender.”

“My lord,” Clement and Wyzowscky bowed. Coszic just smiled. The man had a disturbing amount of enthusiasm for overwhelming force.

The officers began to shuffle out. Clement and Coszic were discussing details with Alan while Viktr stood quiet.

“Tell them first. Tell them that hell is coming.”

Casanova, Cane and Abel were sitting in the troop bay of a Gargoyle as it flew into Marsgorod. The city was covered in ash, block-sized chunks seemingly plucked from it. Transports and gunships buzzed around them. There were still weapons discharging here and there, but most of the Dominion troops in the city were gathered at sports stadiums and airports to formally surrender.

“Fuck man...”

“Talk about laying down the hate.”

Marlin sidled up but didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. They were all thinking the same thing.

And I beheld a pale horse, its rider was named Death, and Hell followed behind him. Revelation 6:8a

[garryspolicememories]

                             Policing Memories of

         Garry Crawford Circa 1962

                          Part III

     The days at Warren passed very quickly. We found a one room apartment in Rudi Laframboise Apartment building at the corner of Stanhope St. and Balfour St. in Warren. My family moved down within the first month.      At that time we were expected to live in our Detachment Area. I was never sorry about that as we enjoyed our time there and felt much at home. The people treated us with respect and it was not long until we were part of the community. I was in uniform by this time and I will never forget the first night my wife seen me load my revolver before going to work. I have always been a hunter and trapper, and had many firearms at the house, but I think she realized this was different. It sure showed on her face. Thank goodness she was able to get by that.

     I remember the first traffic ticket I issued, it was for unnecessary noise. I was patrolling alone through the village of Warren. A young fellow was sitting in his car on Rutland St., it was about 11:00 at night, he spotted the new fellow (me) and thought he would have some fun. He started pushing the accelerator to the mat. It sounded like the pistons were going to jump right out of the motor. I shook my finger at him, then; circled the block. He continued roaring his motor. I stopped got the necessary information from him and issued the ticket. The following years I had many run-ins with that same young man. He never lost his recklessness. He passed a number of years later in a farm accident. That was one sad thing that I seen happen time and again. We would know which of the young people we would most likely find in a fatal accident of some kind. It was sad because we would talk to them and they were not really bad kids as such. They would not listen. They were just wild and reckless. The times were different than today. Back then if you passed by some young fellows who used foul language at you, you stopped the car, gave them the side of your foot in the butt then took them home to Dad and he gave them another one.

     I have attached a photograph of a second world war stretcher. It was identical to one we had at the Detachment. It seemed like it weighted about 50 lbs. the body was made of canvas, it had very short little legs on it. The two carrying poles that ran through the length of it were made of hardwood. It had two iron hinges that allowed you to fold it together. I often thought of how many stories that old stretcher could tell. We used it on rescues, deaths and various injuries. In the early years it took over an hour to get an ambulance. When we received a rescue call we often would ask them to dispatch the ambulance to where we could meet them with the person.

     One of the first times I can remember using that stretcher was a call Dick Wood and I received. A chap from Sudbury who worked for the city had taken a heart attack while fishing for speckled trout on a stream north of Warren. We had the ambulance dispatched to the closest road, grabbed the stretcher and headed out. We located the man lying on the stream bank about a mile off the road. He was a stocky man and was conscious. We put him on the stretcher and started out. It was a very warm day and it was not long until we had to take one of many breaks. I think we were both covered in sweat. The patient kept wanting to get up and walk. We assured him we were all right and continued out of the bush. We just arrived at the road as the ambulance arrived. Dick and I headed back to Warren for a needed break. The next morning we found out the victim had made it to the hospital all right but had died a short time later. We both felt pretty low that our efforts had been in vain. It was not long until we had regained our composer and were looking for the next assignment.

                                       PTSD

     My thought on PTSD and the recent run on suicides within the OPP. Many police officers develop a weird since of humor and people outside the force think that it is wrong. That they are in need of physiatric help. I beg to differ.  As police officers we deal with some pretty horrid things. We see what the ordinary person does not, eg: hangings, decapitations, dismemberments, murders. We do our best to see humor in everything and make jokes of the unthinkable. If we allowed ourselves to be serious when dealing with many of these things it would drive many of us over the edge. We must not think that a victim could be our child, or some other loved one. We cannot compare. (That boy could be my son or girl could be my daughter.) At the same time we find ourselves in various situations such as telling a person their loved one has died. That they will not be coming home anymore. I found in these situations I would take off my shield and grieve with them. In many cases I would shed a few tears. We are not invincible, but we have to find a way to cope. Humor helps. The other thing a police officer has to do is make quick life effecting decisions. We must make a decision in split seconds that some judge or judges will analyze for the next 20 years. I got so I would tell myself when dealing with a deceased that their soul was gone, this is just a piece of meat. I would show them respect, but they were gone.

     The force has recently had a large number of members committing suicide. They have set up groups and people that one can go to when they realize they need help. The big problem with this is that police officers feel that it is a sign of weakness to seek any kind of physiatric help. The easy route when they find themselves in this situation of extreme depression is to bite the bullet. As a young officer I did not recognize depression when I seen it in my fellow officers. I did not recognize it until it had bloomed and they were past my help.

     My personal opinion is that they should train all front line members, so they know and recognize depression. The person withdrawing, lack of humor, staring into space, anger for no reason. Etc. In  many cases a good listener helps the person find his own answers. A good friend can help the person realize that the brave thing is to get help if necessary. The second thing I believe would help is to have a debriefing session with all those involved following a traumatic event. People involved can share their feelings and make each other feel that they are not alone in their thoughts.

     I also differ on the thought of suicide. I don’t think a person is necessarily sick if he or she thinks of suicide. It is a sign to them that they better start talking to someone. A colleague or friend; who has seen or experienced the same thing that they are dealing with, a person who will listen to their concerns. A good example of what I am trying to say is the soldiers from the second and first world had PTSD but in far fewer numbers than our recent members who returned from Afghanistan. I think the reason was simply the difference in the time they returned into civilian life. The first and second world war survivors returned in troop ships. They were kept together for weeks following the hostilities. They had time to debrief and realize the horrid things they had taken part in were shared by all, they were not alone. The troops returning from Afghanistan although far less in numbers had a higher incident of PTSD because the were home in a matter of hours and back with their love ones before they had time to debrief.

                                      Humor

     The first six months on the job I only had on the job training. At that time I knew that to receive permanent status I would have to receive a recommendation from my supervisor (Dick Wood), and then write a senior constables exam. I kept looking for some feed back from Dick and he would just smile and put me off. One night I remember we were patrolling the hamlet of Hagar when a person ran over to our cruiser and advised there was a big fight going on in the Esso Restaurant. We drove over there and stopped. I jumped out of the car and ran into the restaurant. As I came through the door I could see three different fights going on down the length of the long counter. I continued running hitting the first two fighters and knocking one each way. I did the same with the second two as I moved down the length of the long bar type counter. One of these fellows grabbed my clothing. I twirled around intent on breaking his hold with a chop with the side of my hand. He moved and as I swung the tips of my fingernails touched the side of his neck, Opening up a fairly deep cut. He let go and I continued moving down to the last two and separated them. I looked back and Dick was just coming through the door. The fighting was all over and I got a towel from one of the waitresses and stopped the bleeding on the fellows’ neck. When it was all over; I asked Dick how come he took so long to come in. His reply was: I heard you were chicken and just wanted to see what you would do. Again the big grin. No other comment.

     One night while attempting to remove a stalled car from the roadway onto the shoulder of Hwy. 17, a pedestrian was struck by another car and killed. Both Dick and I were within inches of being struck too. When we had completed our investigation, we received instructions to report to Inspector Jim McBain and Staff Sergeant Sam Whitehouse in Sudbury. They wished to be made aware of just what had happened and what our involvement was. These were the two highest ranking members in District 13. We appeared as instructed and were marched into their office. McBain immediately asked: Wood what happened out there? Without blinking an eye Wood said: Crawford pushed a guy in front of a car. McBain turned to me and said: What the hell did you do that for? My mouth fell open and I think I stopped breathing. We then proceeded to tell the truth of what had happened. It took me a little while to realize why Dick had done that. I then realized that you can’t always dwell on the seriousness of what you see, hear, and experience. It is just too traumatic. We arrived home that night in the wee hours of the morning. I crawled into bed  with my wife and went sound asleep. For the most part I was able to do that the rest of my career, no matter what happened. I had many a practical joke pulled on me over the years that followed and pulled many on others. That since of humor has stayed with me to this day.

     At the end of my six months probation I received the necessary recommendation from Dick then wrote the exam without any problems.

[brucebb]

MANDATORY SPINE KIT LIST? BRUCE BALLAGHER; LESSONS FROM THE SPINE RACE 2017

The purpose of this article isn’t to blog about my experience on the Montane Spine Race 2017, there are plenty more entertaining and informative ones online. What it may however do is, hopefully, help you enter the race equipped with kit and knowledge if things go wrong for you as they did me.

 It is worth articulating, briefly, how I got to toe the line in Edale in January 2017.

My journey started at the 2016 Spine Race, where I volunteered at the checkpoints. It is the best way to immerse yourself in the race, learn loads, meet some of the key players and kick start what can quickly become an obsession with racing along the Pennine Way. If you are harbouring thoughts about the race, then I would strongly recommend a stint at volunteering first.

 There then followed a year of racing and training, teaming up with an experienced coach, lots of kit purchasing and testing, many nights sleeping out in a bivvy bag, the Spine training weekend and a one to one navigation course followed by considerable practice, mostly at night. All of these, as it turned out, helped convert personal disaster into a manageable incident.

 My race was hard, as it’s supposed to be, and exciting in places; just what I wanted. Melting snow led to an early soaking through a thigh deep crossing of Kinder downfall and by the time I got to some other small streams I had to take some risks to cross what were then raging torrents. At one point 4 of us were actually partly swept away, by a dangerous night crossing of one such stream.

 My safety tracker didn’t work properly from the get go. My supporters back home were disappointed at not being able to track my progress until it was fixed later in the first leg but it not operating properly was to come back to bite me later on. The training weekend run covers a similar distance to the first leg of the Spine and on identical terrain. What had taken me 15hrs taking it steady on that previous weekend took just over 20hrs hard graft on the race. I am slow and I plod along but such a late arrival left little time to get sorted and leave ahead of the very first cut off.

As a result, I tagged onto a couple of previous Spine Racers, close to the back of the field, got my head down and grafted out the next 60 odd miles but I was skirting with the clock from the start.

 Fairly uneventful stuff in comparison to other racers experiences on the Spine but never the less personally highly testing, exciting and challenging stuff. It isn’t like any other race. I felt really good, all my kit was performing great, feet good, navigation was spot on, sleep was being managed (never slept on a picnic table in a restaurant garden before) and I was really looking forward to the legs after check point 2 and some of the iconic spots on the route.

 Coming down from the summit of Pen‐y‐ghent along a seemingly endless rock strewn track my left ankle started to ache strangely but we continued to make good time to the nearby café for a bowl of soup and some foot admin. Unfortunately, as I stood up my left ankle was seized solid and hurting much more than to be expected.

 At this point I made a judgement error. I decided to push on to the check point at Hawes some 20kms away, and seek a medic there before continuing. I had made good progress and was ahead of time and due to get to the check point ahead of the finishing time for the Challenger Race. Personal pride took over good judgement, I wanted to hit the Challenger time, get fixed up and then press on.

 I left the café with a limp, slipped to the back of our team of 3 and then started getting slower and slower. By the time I left the Cam High Road for the final run in to Hawes there was nobody behind me still racing. Sure, lots had dropped out but in terms of racers I was in last place.

 I was on my own. It was night time, foggy, windy, cold and just starting to rain. Nothing special up there and strangely enjoyable. The final 8 or so kms before Hawes follow a remote track in the lea of Dodd Fell, Ten End and other large hills.

 Being pitch black and foggy you couldn’t see further than the end of your headtorch and, using just map and compass you couldn’t be certain exactly where you were.

 As I slowly navigated the deep mud my left ankle turned slightly and I felt a sharp pop in my heel. I had seriously ruptured the achilles tendon. Apart from the pain, which nearly made me faint, I was unable to move my foot or put any weight on it. My race was done and I knew it. I just needed to get to safety. Herein comes the mandatory kit bit. I was stood on one leg in the part shelter of a wall, removed my bag and detached the tracker. The race brief had explained the workings and I had been paying attention for once. SOS button pressed and nothing happened. Rebooted it and same result. It looked like it was either malfunctioning or in an area of zero reception.

 Next attempt was mobile phone. I had an old Nokia race phone with a MANX sim card for this race. No signal at all, nothing. Working on the worst‐case scenario that my tracker hadn’t been working for some time and there was nobody behind it was probable that nobody knew where I was nor going to find me in a timely manner. With the increasing pain and the cold I obviously had to do something myself.

 I plotted my exact position on my GPS. Easy as I’d loaded it with 1:25k mapping and was completely at ease with its intricacies having used it for months prior. I could see that I had to either achieve the summit of Dodd Fell or move forward about 800m to stand any chance of the topography allowing a phone signal. I went for the latter and after about an hour I was still heading forward to the goal. I was getting cold through lack of speed and layered up using the pretty amazing True Mountain top which I’d carried for 100 miles without wearing but needed it now. I had pretty much all my kit on and was using my walking poles as a second leg, slow and painful progress. I did slip a few times which sent a pain so intense up my leg I shouted out obscenities and tears came to my eyes.

 Eventually, thanks to the network hopping SIM card, I got a single bar on a Vodafone network and called in my position and condition to the emergency number given at briefing.

Immediately after that call I never got any service on the phone up there. Thank goodness for the MANX card tip at the training weekend.

 I’d used all my reserves making the last km progress and was physically done in. There was no standard vehicle access from Hawes possible, no flat ground for an air landing so I was there for a bit but I knew the support team knew I was in trouble and exactly where I was. Out came the rest of the mandatory kit:

 Spare headtorch, one of the small petzl elite zips, put on flashing mode mounted on a walking pole stuck in the top of a wall stake using my knife marked my position visually.

Blow up sleeping mat to insulate from the ground, sleeping bag and alpkit bivvy deployed, the latter big enough to get in sat up against the wall in shelter. One of the alternative lighter slim line ones just wouldn’t have done.    

Jetboil stove out and a brew and expedition meal enjoyed with painkillers for dessert.

The whistle. Have you ever used it? Me neither but I did at that point. The sound of the whistle brought in the medics and Spine Safety Team to my position. Am I grateful to them and the responding Swaledale Mountain Rescue Team.

Somehow, they managed to get 4x4 access from the Cam High road, got me to CP2 where the ambulance was waiting, some much needed gas and air and then it was off to a variety of hospitals in a fairly dirty and very smelly state.

I was gutted to see one of my racing buddies Matt Clayton at the CP having suffered a medical issue  that meant he also had to withdraw from the race. To his credit he sorted all my kit out in my absence as well as his own logistics.

In summary, if I had not been carrying any one item of the mandatory safety kit, or had sacrificed  functionality for weight or had not been comfortable it its use I would have suffered up on the hill.

I’ve had surgery to repair the achilles and been in a cast for 12  weeks followed by crutches and expect to be fully mobile hopefully within the year.  6 months in Im in the gym weekly, have a new bike, using a natty Compex machine and blood flow restriction band training to try to grow my now weedy left calf muscle.

My running days may well be at an end and you can imagine how that feels as an ultra runner who enjoys the trails. That said I went into the race with my eyes open, prepared and equipped and I loved every minute, until the end. If I can run again I will be back, no question at all.

Get the experience to be fully self‐reliant, carry the full kit at all times and know how to use it, be very good at navigating, especially at night. Hopefully what happened to me will never happen to you but, if it does look after yourself.

Amazing that gas and air…….

[itsiotrecords-blog]

http://ift.tt/2uHedq3

Generally speaking a massacre would be any incident where one group is killed by another and the perpetrating group has total control of power. There is no clear cut definition, however, that would allow us to classify something as a “massacre,” so we can only rely on collective assessment of the situation and how the circumstances align with given ideas of acceptable use of force. In other words, if most people would agree that it was a massacre, then it meets our criteria. On a side note, this list shows the worst side of humanity. Proceed at your own discretion. Here are the 25 most horrific massacres in history.

#1 Massacre of Thessalonica One of the earliest recorded large-scale massacres in world history happened in the year 390 when Roman Emperor Theodosius I sent troops to Thessalonica in order to quell some civil unrest. Apparently he was very angry when he gave them their initial instructions because he almost immediately dispatched a messenger telling the troops to disregard his previous orders. The messenger, however, arrived too late and 7,000 innocent men, women, and children had already been murdered.

#2 Granada Massacre On December 30, 1066 Muslim mobs stormed the royal palace where Jewish vizier Joseph ibn Naghrela had sought refuge and crucified him. In the ensuing massacre of the Jewish population, many of the Jews of Granada were murdered. The massacre was apparently started by a rumor that Joseph was going to have the Muslim king assassinated.

#3 Massacre of the Latins The Massacre of the Latins was a large-scale massacre of the Roman Catholic or “Latin” inhabitants of Constantinople, the capital of the Byzantine Empire, by the Eastern Orthodox population of the city in May 1182. The Roman Catholics of Constantinople at that time dominated the city’s maritime trade and financial sector. Although precise numbers are unavailable, the bulk of the Latin community, estimated at over 60,000 at the time, was wiped out or forced to flee.

#4 Saint Bartholomew’s Day Massacre The St. Bartholomew’s Day massacre in 1572 was a targeted group of assassinations followed by a wave of Roman Catholic mob violence, both directed against the Huguenots (French Calvinist Protestants), during the French Wars of Religion. Modern estimates for the number of dead vary widely from 5,000 to 30,000.

#5 Bolton Massacre Also known as the “Storming of Bolton,” this was an episode in the English Civil War when Royalist forces led by Prince Rupert of the Rhine stormed and captured the Parliamentarian town of Bolton on May 28, 1644. A staple in the Parliamentarian propaganda, it resulted in the death of 1,600 defenders and innocent inhabitants.

#6 Yangzhou Massacre The atrocities that happened on May 20, 1645 against the local residents of Yangzhou, China by the Qing troops led by Prince Dodo of the Qing Dynasty had led to the death of as many as 80,000 people. After their recent success against the forces loyal to the Southern Ming regime of the Hongguang Emperor, they plundered the city for ten days to punish the residents for their resistance and as a warning to the population of Jiangnan on the consequences of resisting invaders.

#7 September Massacres The September Massacres were a wave of mob violence which overtook Paris in late summer 1792 during the French Revolution. By the time it had subsided, half the prison population of Paris had been executed: some 1,200 trapped prisoners including many women and young boys. Sporadic violence, in particular against the Roman Catholic Church, would continue throughout France for nearly a decade to come.

#8 Massacre of Elphinstone’s Army Also known as the 1842 retreat from Kabul, the massacre which happened during the First Anglo-Afghan War occurred when Major General Sir William Elphinstone attempted to lead a military and civilian column of Europeans and Indians from Kabul back to the British garrison at Jalalabad more than 90 miles (140 km) away. Afghan tribes launched numerous attacks against the column as it made slow progress through the winter snows of the Hindu Kush. Out of more than 16,000 people from the column commanded by Elphinstone, only one European, an Assistant Surgeon named William Brydon, and a few soldiers would eventually reach Jalalabad. The retreat has been described as “the worst British military disaster until the fall of Singapore exactly a century later.”

#9 Batak Massacre The massacre of the Bulgarians in Batak by 8,000 Ottoman troops on April 30, 1876 at the beginning of the April Uprising was described as “the most heinous crime to stain the history of the 19th century.” Although at 15,000 dead, the total number of people killed was less than some of the other massacres on this list, the brutality was unparalleled. The majority of those killed were women and children who were raped, tortured, and then beheaded.

#10 Hamidian Massacres Also known as the “Armenian Massacres of 1894–1896″ and the “Great Massacres,’ these atrocities were once again committed by the Ottoman Empire. The deaths ranged from 80,000 to 300,000 leaving at least 50,000 children orphaned. The massacres were due to Ottoman Empire seeking to establish its territorial authority and to reassert Pan-Islamism as the state ideology.

#11 Bud Dajo Massacre Also known as the “Moro Crater Massacre,” the violence committed against the Moro villagers in the Philippines by a naval detachment of 540 American soldiers during the Philippine-American War was another relatively small massacre compared to some others on this list (roughly 1,000 casualties) but it is certainly one of the worst attacks ever perpetrated by a democratically-inclined modern government.

#12 Adana Massacre This 1909 massacre of Armenian Christians by Ottoman Turks in the city of Adana amidst governmental upheaval resulted in a series of anti-Armenian mob violence throughout the district. Reports estimated that the massacres in Adana Province resulted in 15,000 to 30,000 deaths.

#13 Nanking Massacre The Nanking Massacre, also known as the Rape of Nanking, was a mass murder that occurred during the six-week period following the Japanese capture of the city of Nanking (Nanjing), the former capital of China, on December 13, 1937 during the Second Sino-Japanese War. During this period, hundreds of thousands of Chinese civilians and disarmed soldiers were murdered by soldiers of the Imperial Japanese Army. Widespread rape and looting also occurred. Historians and witnesses have estimated that 250,000 to 300,000 people were killed.

#14 Katyn Massacre Also known as the ‘Katyn Forest Massacre,’ this mass execution ordered by the Soviet Politburo on March 5, 1940 was carried out by the secret police against Polish military officers, civilian prisoners, and members of the Polish Officer Corps. Approved by Joseph Stalin, it was estimated that about 22,000 were executed in Katyn Forest.

#15 Massacre of the Prisoners The NKVD prisoner massacres were a series of mass executions committed by the Soviet NKVD against prisoners in Eastern Europe, primarily Poland, Ukraine, the Baltic states, Bessarabia and other parts of the Soviet Union from which the Red Army was withdrawing after the German invasion in 1941 (see Operation Barbarossa). Estimates on the death toll vary from nearly 9000 to 100,000. Not all prisoners were murdered; some of them were abandoned or managed to escape because the retreating, panicked Soviet executioners logistically could not kill all of them.

#16 Babi Yar Massacre Considered the “largest single massacre in the history of the Holocaust” this atrocity happened in a ravine near Kiev, Ukraine from September 29 to 30, 1941 wherein 33,771 Jews were executed by the Nazis during their campaign against the Soviet Union. Victims of other Babi Yar massacres included tens of thousands of Soviet POWs, Gypsies (Romani people), communists, civilian hostages, and Ukrainian nationalists.

#17 Odessa Massacre The mass murder of Jews in Odessa, Ukraine and the surrounding towns of Transnistria by the Romanian invaders resulted in the deaths of more than 100,000 Ukrainian Jews with any survivors being left to freeze outdoors after their village was completely razed.

#18 Massacres of Poles in Volhynia This genocide operation against the Polish population of Volhynia, Ukraine was carried out by the Ukrainian Insurgent Army (UPA)in March 1943. Its aim was to exterminate all Polish males between the ages of 16 and 60. Tens of thousands of women and children were killed too however.

#19 Wola Massacre During the Warsaw Uprising, a systematic killing of some 40,000 to 50,000 Polish civilians and captured resistance fighters was carried out by the Nazi German troops from August 5 to 12, 1944. The victims were indiscriminately shot or killed in an organized mass murder throughout the Wola district, the capital of Warsaw, Poland. These atrocities were committed to crush the Poles’ spirit and to end the uprising without resorting to heavy city-fighting, but ended up only stiffening the resistance.

#20 The 228 Incident Also known as the ‘228 Massacre,’ this happened due to an anti-government uprising in Taiwan, which was violently suppressed by government troops on February 27, 1947. The number”228” came from the following day, February 28, when 30,000 civilians were massacred in what came to be known as the White Terror.

#21 Jeju Uprising The Jeju Uprising was a revolt on Jeju island off the south coast of the Korean Peninsula beginning on April 3, 1948. Between 14,000 and 60,000 individuals were killed in fighting or execution between various factions on the island. The brutal suppression of this rebellion by the South Korean army resulted in tens of thousands of deaths, the destruction of many villages on the island, and sparking rebellions on the Korean mainland.

#22 Bodo League Massacre The Bodo League massacre was a massacre and war crime against communists and suspected sympathizers that occurred in the summer of 1950 during the Korean War. Estimates of the death toll vary but most experts agree it was somewhere between 100,000 and 200,000.

#23 Hue Massacre The Hue Massacre is the name given to the summary executions and mass killings perpetrated by the Viet Cong and North Vietnamese Army during their capture, occupation and later withdrawal from the city of Hue during the Tet Offensive, considered one of the longest and bloodiest battles of the Vietnam War. During the years that followed the Battle of Hue, dozens of mass graves were discovered and the estimated death toll was roughly 6,000. Victims were found bound, tortured, and sometimes apparently buried alive.

#24 Hama Massacre This scorched earth operation was carried out by the Syrian Arab Army against the town of Hama to stop the uprising of the Muslim Brotherhood in February 1982. Estimates of the death toll range from 7,000 to 35,000 and it has been described as “one of the single deadliest acts by an Arab government against its own people in the modern Middle East.”

#25 Sabra and Shatila Massacre This slaughter of several thousand Palestinian and Lebanese Shia refugees in Beirut was carried out from September 16 to 18, 1982 by the Phalange, a Lebanese paramilitary organization, in retaliation for the assassination of newly elected Lebanese president Bachir Gemayel.

Source: List25

[drubblernews-blog]

New Post has been published on http://drubbler.com/2017/02/25/the-real-disgrace-to-coalition-kars-taken/

"The real disgrace to Coalition: Kars taken

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Oleg Airapetov, February 25, 2017, 13:42- REGNUM

the delicate equilibrium in the Caucasus and Asia minor, settled in the summer and fall of 1856, the year could not continue for long. Each of the warring sides realized that another victory, another success can be decisive for the fate of the campaign. Kars or Tiflis — the fate of these towns became a symbol of the campaign, the completion of which could have an impact if not on the outcome of the war, then certainly on its results.

the Turks tried to disengage the Kars from Trebizond, where in early October was planted 12-thousand Turkish Corps, but his movement to a locked fortress was stopped by Russian troops. Omer Pasha, after receiving news about the failed storming of Kars and reinforcements, transported by sea, the Allies began the offensive on Kutais. Turkish Commander was in a hurry to distance 70 miles in a straight way his subordinates have done for 20 days. The enemy was advancing with 20 thousand. Pax. with 37 guns, leaving about 10 thousand. Pax. to ensure the operation and garrisons. The number of Gurijskogo squad was just 4650 pers. Russian infantry with 28 guns, along with local militia Squad consisted of 9 thousand. Pax. These forces were not concentrated in one direction. In these circumstances, the head of detachment of Gen.-m. kn. I.k. Bagration of mukhrani wanted to avoid a showdown, not giving the initiative to the enemy. On the orders of General systematic decay of roads and bridges, forests were positioned village strengthened, etc.

the Turks once again called to action Shamil. The Sultan sent him a banner and a special medal, and promised after the capture of Tiflis, pass the Imam in possession of Transcaucasia. 19 (31) October Omer-Pasha arrived in Sukhumi, where he tried to win over the Abkhaz and their elders, except for Prince Michael, with whom Omer publicly spilled over only a few words, and in Russian. On the orders of the Commander of the Turks paid for all the food money, Abkhaz showed 12 Russian soldiers taken prisoner near Sevastopol. From the words of Omer moved to deeds. He began the offensive on the capital of the Province. 25 October (6 November) 1855 on the Inguri River the Turkish army met the Russian 6 mouth, 2 hundreds of Cossacks with 4 guns and several hundred’s militias. 2 thousand defenders held off the offensive almost 20 thousand Turks armed with the same and better small arms. Bout wore extremely hard character, 3 guns had to leave because the horses were slaughtered. The Commander of Russian forces in Bagration of mukhrani last time personally led the Cossacks in the counterattack, which forced the Turks to cease offensive — they thought the Russians came.

“Call by name brave — reported Bagration of mukhrani — would submit lists of all officers involved in the battle. General wasn’t sure in militias, much of which actually fled after the battle and found it best to retreat. 7 (19) November Turks capital Mingrelii Zugdidi, but here they did not meet the expected welcome reception. Dowager Duchess Ekaterina dadiani, who ruled the Principality in the two Sicilies during the son, was a strong-willed woman. The attack on the Tiflis proved far from easy blow on the ogolennomu flank of the Caucasian army. Its role was played by the heavy losses under the enguri, 25 November (7 December), exactly one month after this fight, the Turkish offensive has stopped. Romanian success at Inguri and the taking of the residence’s Princes Dadiani, are all initially produced a very strong impression in the Principality. Masses of people fled away from the advancing army. Omer Pasha tried to establish order in Zugdidi, the Church was put under protection, looting is prohibited. However, several hundred volunteers-bashibuzukov of Abkhazia began to cut the remaining peasants and steal children whom they smuggled for sale in sukhum. In Imereti initially also started to panic. Fell sharply the value of paper money and real estate, increased food prices.

to strengthen the squad, Guria Ants sent to the aid of all available forces and Muhranskomu announced collection of militia. Fluctuations have been overcome, Mingrelia residents when they saw the militia headed by its Princess and her children. In the wooded mountains of Mingrelian militia had a stubborn resistance to the Turks. Duchess ignored proposals allies to join them and take the lead in “independent” Mingrelia (it should be noted that while she was not enthusiastic about the action of the Bagration-Muhranskogo, razorjavshego way of the Turks). Gurijcy and imeretincy were configured firmly and resolutely, they remained loyal to Russia. Meanwhile, in 1841 uprising occurred here. The cause of his inept actions of local administrations to introduce here the potatoes totally unnecessary in this climate, and you attempt to replace natural duties monetary charges — measure absolutely pointless when almost full absence of trade. However, it was quickly suppressed, and luckily had no effect. Population of Georgia have taken up arms and helped the Russians. With regard to the Circassians, they sent to the aid of Omer Pasha 11 riders. The Turks were forced to stay.

Bad roads, rain, dirt, and typhoid fever epidemic — all of this, according to the memoirs of adjutant of the Turkish Commander, ruled out the possibility of rapid movement. For the same reasons, risks of rapid movements of the enemy in the rear of the Ants did not believe. Himself the path chosen by Omer, i.e. movement through sukhum, Divisionadopted from Kars impassable mountain range for the army, rather than via Trebizond, persuaded the Russian General that the Turks are trying to distract him from the siege of simple demonstration. Local conditions precluded the possibility of creating a real threat to Tiflisu, the Russian army’s withdrawal from the city did the inevitable meeting with an army of Omer Pasha, as she could easily retreat to the ports and even evacuate before the arrival of the main Russian forces. As a result, the ants chose to continue the siege.

with regard to Omer Pasha, he stopped at 25 miles from Kutaisa, which initially had no cover. Bagration of mukhrani was able to correctly time. Soon here came a small reinforcement led by Gen. Bebutovym. A small town with a population of 3.5 thousand. Pax. filled with armed men. Kutaisa have gathered around 28 thousand. Pax. When 30 guns is quite sufficient to stop the Turkish squad. However, Omer-Pasha in no hurry. By shutlivomu comment one of the European officers of his staff, at an average speed of motion along straight roads on which the Turks had met resistance (referring to the way from Sukhumi to the Inguri), they would need more than 3 months to go Ochamchir versts from 215 to Kars. However, if the density of the cover to the rear, 20 versts from Turkish Commander-in-Chief no longer be subordinated to a single soldier. Real threat nor the Kutaisu, nor the Tiflisu was not. Meanwhile in garrison and among the inhabitants of the city have already begun to swell. Lazy, the soldiers from Syria and Anatolia groups tried to escape from the fortress and go home. 15 (27) November 1855, the fortress surrendered.

it was a huge victory by value, fundamentally betrayed strategic position in Transcaucasia. “Your Imperial Majesty! — reported 16 (28) November, Alexander II’s steward. By the grace of God and a blessing is yours, it is finished our business. Kars at the feet of your Majesty. Today surrendered to military prisoners, exhausted by hunger and the needs of the garrison of this stronghold in Asia minor. In captivity we have disappeared, the Commander-in-Chief himself tridcatitysjachnoj Anatolian armies, mushir Vasif Pasha; In addition to its eight Pasha, many headquarters and Chief officers and together with them, English Maj. Williams with all his staff. Taken about 130 guns and all weapons. Have fortunes plunge to the footsteps of your Imperial Majesty twelve Turkish regimental banners, the fortress of Kars and keys to the Citadel flag “.

the news of the surrender caused great joy in Tiflis and Kutaise. The news of victory came in the capital 20 November vicegerency (1 December). The next day in Tbilisi began a huge feast. Jubilation was universal, everyone understood — war in the Caucasus has seen a fracture. The news of this victory came to St. Petersburg 2 (14) December. Even after two days on the streets of the capital under the shouts of “Hurrah!” its residents and assures the fortress guns carried the trophy banners. “The news about the lesson our troops Kars, is celebrated in January 1856, journal otechestvennye zapiski was a interesnoju, a radostnoju news in the life of St. Petersburg, as Russia last month.

on the eve of putting the Turkish garrison began to shoot their ammo. Another morning (27) 15 November from the fortress went noisy but useless fire. Baughers Williams asked to ensure passage of the Hungarians, poles and Italians serving in the Turkish army — such turned out to be 11 people. They were given the opportunity to drive through the Russian camp at Erzurum. The order went Arabstanskij Regiment and two battalions of the shooters. The rest of the Turkish garrison disobeyed their officers mechanically, soldiers went, barely moving his legs. Leaving behind the verka, they threw on the way arms and ammunition. The whole road was filled with cartridges, bags, drums etc., Powerless, fell along the path, froze their comrades did not care about them. In this small way 18 people died from chronic energy deficiency. Reach camp prisoners from hunger and despair initially behaved provocatively, but the kind of guns and Russian infantry calmed them. For surrendering in the camp was prepared soup and bread, prisoners “destroyed the food bitterly, hungry people rushed to buy food, some a few hours later died in convulsions.

“so, is reported on the same day, Minister Prince Dolgorukovu of ants, with the fall of Kars disappeared remains of the Anatolian armies, means was in the month of June up to thirty thousand people; other shattered, part of the disbanded, many fled, many more had died from disease and starvation, and about 10 tons, including before they got to us in captivity. 30-thousand Anatolian army disappeared. 8.677 man surrendered in captivity (including 12 Pasha and 665 officers), 6,500 people. redif and militias were dissolved, 8.500 died during the siege, 2.000 perebezhalo to the Russians, 2,000 were in hospitals and only 3,000 manage to sneak in Erzurum. The fortress was taken 136 guns, 18th. shotguns and 1 thousand. consisting of English and French production, 20,000 pounds of gunpowder. The officers, to the great joy of Williams, were brought back to their personal weapons. Prisoners, according to British officers and doctors treated very gently and carefully.

later, during a gala reception at the London Club, Williams remembered this and supported a toast in honor of muraveva, saying: “it is the noblest, most honest, brave and the best of people.” Patients suffering from starvation and soldiers, some of whom did not have the energy to reach the Russian camps, fed and treated. Much less fortunate who have been released. Weakened soldiers were not provided with food when they travel on the territory controlled by the Turks. To pass them Saganlug konvoiroval battalion of Carabinieri, next (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push();