#There's a few more than 3 chapters up for voracious readers

[porcelainseashore]

Coffee & Secrets (3)

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Rookie Cop! Leon x Barista! Fem! Reader

Summary: As a cozy coffee shop owner in Raccoon City, you’re no stranger to visitors seeking comfort, quiet, and warmth. When a rookie officer named Leon finds a kindred spirit in you, it sets in motion a chain of events that forever changes the course of your lives. An alternate universe set in Resident Evil 2 Remake and inspired by the game Coffee Talk.

Content & Warnings: Canon divergence, coffee shops, romance, slow burn, strangers to lovers, idiots in love, fluff, slice of life, swearing

AO3 Link

Chapter 3: Venture

As the days flew by, quickly turning into weeks and the weeks culminating in months, Leon grew busier, taking on additional responsibilities from his colleagues. Just as you had predicted, he was more than qualified and capable of handling his own in the role of a police officer. Despite that, he always found the time to visit your shop, even if it was for a quick coffee break during a night shift. No matter how grueling it was, he would be there. Sometimes, he would even get yelled at by his patrol partner for taking too long, though they were often placated by a free pick-me-up you doled out, which Leon insisted on footing the bill without fail.

One of these nights, he strolled in with Lieutenant Branagh, chatting jovially as they grabbed the usual front row seats.

“How’s my favorite barista doing?” Marvin greeted you, unclasping his arms as he brought you in for a quick hug over the counter.

“Not too shabby, how about you? How’s the girls?”

Leon eyed the two of you curiously; the familiarity with which you interacted with each other catching him slightly off-guard.

“They’re doing great, growing up so fast. My eldest might surpass her old man in a year’s time—just you wait,” he chortled, settling himself in.

“Remember her?” He passed you a recent photo of his daughter from his wallet.

“No way,” you guffawed, feeling the glossy paper nestle itself between your fingers. “She’s changed so much!”

“She’s a fine, young lady now, with a good head over her shoulders,” he responded, his eyes brimming with pride. “Just like yourself.”

“Thanks Marv,” you said, your response heartfelt as you returned the photo to him. “So, the usual?”

Rapping his fingers rhythmically on the table, he confirmed, “The usual.”

“Hey.” It was soft, unassuming, and so unapologetically Leon. 

A subtle smile broke out across his lips as he nodded at you. No hug—maybe it was too soon for hugs and he was not comfortable enough.

“Hey,” you acknowledged, nodding back with a faint smile of your own.

“I wish I could say ‘the usual’, but I don’t have one yet,” he admitted. “By the way, I’m getting this round.” He turned and peered over at Marvin who stood up halfway to protest.

“Naw, come on, put your money away, boy,” the older man commanded.

But Leon was not having any of it. “I insist, Lieutenant.” Holding his hand up before Marvin, he continued, “These few months, you’ve gone out of the way to mentor and support me. It’s the least I could do.”

At this, Marvin raised his hands in surrender. “Alright, alright, then I’ll accept your offer graciously, rookie.”

You saw Leon scoff lightly at the nickname as he turned his attention towards you, his features mellowing. “I’ll take whatever you brew for me tonight,” he decided.

Just as you spun around to complete the order, he murmured, the lilt of his voice carried across by the wind, “It’s so good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too, Leon,” you whispered back, noticing the crinkle in his eyes, the way he subconsciously puffed out his chest, and the fleeting glimpse of happiness that washed over his face.

Marvin glanced between the two of you as a knowing smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, but he said nothing, trusting in the passage of time to make its intentions clear.

When you served their drinks, Marvin slurped his down voraciously. “Ooh, the kick is still there. De-licious!” he exclaimed.

“What’s that?” Leon quizzed.

“Kopi Jahe—coffee and ginger,” Marvin clarified. “It’s Indonesian, if I’m not wrong. Perfect for my lactose-intolerant stomach.” He patted his belly to emphasize his point.

“Whatcha get?” he asked in return.

The younger officer blushed as he looked at you. “Guess I’ll have to taste it to find out.”

As always, he sniffed it before taking a tentative sip from the cup. “Mmm…” His eyes squeezed shut while he focused on the flavors. “Hmm…”

“Mint?” His bright blues greeted you again.

“Coffee, mint and honey,” you affirmed, flourishing it with a name, “Fire and Ice.”

Before he had a chance to respond, the door chime rang, and your eyes darted to your next customer of the night.

Ben. Good ol’ Ben Bertolucci.

“A Triple Espresso, please,” he called out, already striding towards his usual sitting corner, while simultaneously giving the two policemen a long, hard look. 

“Evening, officers,” he said curtly, giving them a sharp nod. They tipped their hats back, paying no mind to his soured mood as they dived into another conversation of their own.

Firing up the coffee machine, you ground the beans into a fine powder and let the pressurized hot water seep through the puck. The richly aromatic smell of a dark roast filled the air as the concentrated, viscous liquid dripped into the awaiting demitasse.

During this intermediary period, you unwittingly eavesdropped on the friendly chat between the officers.

“How do you know her again, Lieutenant?”

“Oh, I’ve been here a good number of times back in the day. Times when I really needed it. Times when all I wanted was a comforting drink and a space to sort out my mess. I happened to stumble across this shop—”

“Me too.”

“Hmpf, guess it’s that kinda place… let’s count ourselves lucky then. Anyway, enough about me. What about you?”

“Uh, what about me, sir?”

“You got any plans for your future, son? Pretty sure you didn’t just end up in Raccoon City with those perfect grades.”

“Oh, um, yeah. I guess. Now that you put it that way, uh, I’ve always wanted to investigate the Arklay Murders.”

“The Arklay Murders, huh? Shooting for the detective route?”

“You could say that.”

“Well, have you ever considered applying for S.T.A.R.S.?”

“Wh-what? Um, no, sir. Didn’t think I would qualify for something like that yet.”

“I’ve seen how you work. You're a fast learner, diligent, and competent. I know talent when I see it. You just need to work on your confidence a little, rookie. Keep this up and you’ll have my letter of recommendation on your desk by next year.”

“Wow, th-thanks, Lieutenant… I’m just not sure—”

“Look, you don’t have to make a decision now. All I’m asking is for you to think about it, alright?”

Reluctantly tearing yourself away from the rest of the discussion, you picked up the demitasse, which seemed to weigh like stone as you trudged over to Ben, setting it down on his makeshift desk. Heaps of documents were strewn across its surface in a haphazard manner as he scribbled furiously on his notepad, circling items in a red marker.

“Oh, hey, thanks,” he mumbled, still absorbed in his writing. “Hope you don’t mind, but it’s gonna be a long night.”

“Not at all, Ben,” you said, frowning at the grainy images of what appeared to be the Chief of Police, Brian Irons, in the background.

When he saw you peeking at his work, he shuffled apprehensively in his seat, attempting to use his arm to block your view. “Sorry, but this is top secret stuff.”

“I understand,” you replied empathetically. “Don’t worry, it’s safe with me.”

He snorted at your remark, but eased up, absentmindedly stroking his beard as he spoke, “Appreciate it. Don’t wanna rub people the wrong way, like those folks over there.” He jutted his chin out in Leon and Marvin’s direction.

“Seems like the RPD has taken a liking to this place,” he added with a hint of disdain.

You shook your head and laughed. “Not all of my customers are police officers, Ben.”

Narrowing his eyes at the two, he piped up, “Just watch yourself, that’s my advice. In my world, they’re pigs—the whole lot of ’em. Probably why the term ‘ACAB’ exists, eh?” He wagged his finger. “Food for thought.”

“You’ve probably seen a lot of abuse in your line of work,” you speculated, figuring that his poor experience with the force had shaped his current opinion.

“No shit,” he huffed before composing himself. “Well, as far as I can tell, Branagh’s… tolerable. Dull, but tolerable. The kid over there though, I don’t trust him, seems a bit green.”

You glanced over at Leon briefly. Almost as if he sensed your presence, his eyes shifted away from Marvin, colliding with yours, and a smile tinged with uncertainty unfolded on his face.

He’ll come into his own, you thought, smiling back reassuringly.

“So…” 

Ben’s gruff voice snapped you out of your reverie as you faced him again, but you didn’t miss a beat. “So, you’re obviously swamped. Ever imagined hiring an intern?”

“Why? Having second thoughts about your business?” he smirked in amusement.

“Nah, just a suggestion,” you replied blithely as you clutched the tray across your chest and tottered back to the counter. “You should put a call out. I’m sure a bunch of people would be interested in the work you do.”

Back at the other table, Marvin rose to leave, slapping Leon’s back encouragingly. “Well, it’s been a pleasure, but if I don’t head home in the next five minutes, I’ll end up on the sofa tonight.”

After you said your goodbyes, Leon leaned against the side of the counter, adjusting the hem of his uniform as he looked between the door and you, seemingly debating whether he should call it a night too. However, he decided otherwise.

“Um, you don’t mind if I stay a little longer, do you?”

“Not at all.” You indicated towards the typically vacant chairs in the room. “Take all the time you need.”

He did not sit down, hanging around you in silence for a few minutes before he said what was on his mind. “Did you always want to be a barista when you grew up?”

That stumped you. It was not very often that you received personal questions or interest in what you were doing. Maybe some even felt bad to ask. You were far more used to listening to people, and not the other way around.

“No, not really,” you answered truthfully. “To be frank, I don’t think I ever knew.”

“So, what made you decide?”

You hummed, tapping your chin as you pondered his question. “It was something I kinda just fell into,” you explained. “I saw an opportunity and took my chance. I guess I’ve always been idealistic and wanting to help people…”

“I’ve always wanted that too…” he chimed in gently as his fingers inadvertently brushed against yours. He jerked his hand away as soon as he realized, as if he had received an electric shock.

Pressing his lips into a thin line, he continued, “I became who I am because, when I was young, I saw someone do this very same job. He helped others, ordinary people, including me.”

“The man saved my life,” he stressed, pausing as if recalling a distant memory, before he divulged, “I told everyone, ‘That’s who I want to be when I grow up!’ Helping civilians, doing the little things that change their lives.”

“Now it feels like I’m only getting further away from it,” he sighed despondently. “Solving mystery cases like Scooby-Doo and joining an elite team…”

Your fingertips grazed his knuckles. “Nothing’s stopping you.”

“What?” He looked at you, startled.

“Nothing’s stopping you from helping others, just because you end up doing something else,” you answered plainly.

It took a while for your words to sink in before he could react to them. “You’re— I don’t know how you do it,” he chuckled in disbelief to himself. “You make me want to tell you everything. That’s your superpower.”

“I’m just me,” you shrugged. “Nothing more, nothing less.”

“And that’s exactly how I like you.”

Dividers by @/cafekitsune

[mareenavee]

The World on Our Shoulders | Chapter 3: A World of Fragile Things

18th of Last Seed 4E 201

“If you’re going back to the Legion, just try not to get yourself killed,” Nyenna said, as she gathered up the dishes from their very late lunch. Hadvar was washing the stew pot in a basin off to the side of the hearth in his uncle’s house. “You didn’t survive a dragon just to get stabbed by a wily Stormcloak.”

“Have more faith in me than that,” Hadvar laughed, waving a dishcloth around, splashing suds onto the bricks at the side of the fireplace. “Besides, I’ve never met a single wily Stormcloak. Not even once.”

“Not even that Ralof?”

“Especially not Ralof.”

She laughed as well and deposited their dishes into the basin, going back to straighten up the table and put away the remaining bread and cheese from their meal. It was the least she could do. Alvor, now repairing the sword she had brought with her out of Helgen, had insisted she stay and rest for the day. She didn’t want to impose, but she couldn't simply refuse. They had made space for her to wash her face and sleep. They had given her more than they needed to in food supplies, besides, and still fed her at meal times as if she was already family. She wasn’t sure how to feel about that. She hoped they were just happy their nephew was back and still in one piece, and were just friendly, hospitable people. She had nothing with which to pay them back. She supposed she could always send them some of her future earnings, if she could find work in Whiterun, in return for their kindness. There had always been exchanges in Valenwood, and especially in Cyrodiil. Of late, money for silence, mostly, but still. Nothing was free, usually.

“Are you heading out soon, Nyenna?” Hadvar asked quietly. He was drying his hands on a clean towel, which he then laid over the back of a chair. She nodded and he walked up beside her. He took her hands again, but this time placed a pouch of gold in them. She tried to protest but he just shook his head. “No, please take this. All of it is the least we can do. Your help is invaluable. I’m only staying here for a few days before I need to rejoin General Tullius in Solitude. I don’t have a choice. But you do. Your word will protect my family longer than I can, if the Jarl will hear you. A little gold is nothing in return for such a thing.”

“I – I’ll do the best I can,” Nyenna said, shocked at this kindness. She closed her hands around the gold, but Hadvar still held her wrists, strong but gentle. He leaned in and kissed her cheek. Always these things held more meaning, conveyed a certain owing or expectation, but she saw in his eyes that this time it didn’t. She hadn’t known before it could simply be a warmer gesture of respect and gratitude. Eris hadn’t been able to protect her from everything – rather, everyone – after all. This was strange and different, but welcome nonetheless. Hadvar was a good man, and honorable. So few of them had ever crossed her path these last few years. She beamed at her friend in pride and with her own measure of gratitude.

“It’s been an honor fighting alongside you. Stay well, would you?” he said, grinning back. “And don’t waste your skills, no matter where your path takes you. Go become exceptional, my friend. Hopefully we’ll see each other again.”

“I’m not exceptional,” Nyenna insisted with a chuckle. “But as I said, I’ll do the best I can.”

“Sometimes the smallest among us can make the biggest difference,” Hadvar said pointedly. There was a pause in the conversation, leaving just enough space for her to realize it had been a cleverly disguised joke. He grinned. How hilarious. She rolled her eyes.

“Don’t make fun of my height,” Nyenna answered calmly, plucking a stray thread from her sleeve and letting it fall to the floor. They both burst into laughter, even as she pulled open the door to Alvor’s house. She tucked the money Hadvar had given her away in her bag. Three hundred Septims, some food, a repaired iron sword, and a handful of dusty potions. That’s all she had as she walked onto the road that would lead to Whiterun. She turned one last time and waved to Hadvar and his family, the late afternoon sun warming the image of them there on the porch in her memory. -> Continue reading on AO3

[killerandhealerqueen]

Asks time, let's go

Ask game for fic writers- 1, 3, 5, 16, 24, 28, 30, 37, 39, 44, 58, 72

Ask game for fic writers #2- 10, 15, 16, 30, 32, 38, 44

Fun meta asks - 3, 4, 7, 9, 15, 16, 18, 20, 21, 23, 25

Took, my beloved!! Alright y'all, buckle the fuck up, this shit gone be long

1. do you know how you want the story to end when you start, or are you just stumbling through the figurative wilderness hoping to find a road?

For some fics, yes, I do know how they're going to end when they start, but most times we're just kinda...figuring it out as we go. And sometimes that's the fun part because when just writing, you can sometimes come up with shit better than when you outlined/planned it

3. on a scale of 1-10 how much do you enjoy incorporating romance into the average story?

I enjoy it. So like...an 8-9? Most of my stories are romance anyways so it's not that hard for me

5. have you ever made a playlist about something you were writing as an elaborate means to procrastinate when you could have been actually writing and if yes drop a link, son

Nope. I don't make playlists for my fics

16. where is your favorite place to write?

Well, I write anywhere, but my bed is always a good place. Things just tend to flow there

24. on average, how much writing do you get done in a day?

Depends on the fic. Sometimes I can get pages done, sometimes nothing. But on average, I'd say...1.5-2k? Sometimes more? Like I said, just depends

28. handwritten notes or typed notes?

Typed. My hands cramp after writing for too long. And it's just easier to type if there's a lot of information

30. most inspirational quote you’ve ever read or heard that’s still important to you.

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you know" ~ A.A Milne

My parents say it to me a lot whenever I have imposter syndrome/am doubting myself. It helps a lot

37. when creating characters, what comes first: appearance, backstory, motivation, personality, something else?

Now, I don't create OC's, but personality, I think would come first for me. I always like characters who have personalities that don't match their appearance (and personalities are more interesting to work with anyways because they're shaped by backstory, motivation, etc.)

39. are you an avid reader?

I am! When I'm not reading fanfiction and I want to get away from the computer, I'll pick up a book. Sometimes if I'm really into one, I can crush one in a day/couple of hours. I've always been a voracious reader

44. any writing advice you want to share?

Just write what you enjoy. You're not writing to please anyone else but yourself (and maybe a few loyal readers). So like...don't write what's trendy or popular, write what makes you happy. It makes the fic much more enjoyable for you and for your readers

58. what is the last thing that a fic made you google when you were writing it?

Hmm...I think for my fic The Tiger is Out, I had to google/duckduckgo the name of the poem the fic was inspired by because I couldn't remember it

72. what do you do if a scene gets too serious?

Oh boy, take a break. There are a lot of scenes in the Killer and Healer rewrite that make me cry/make my heart hurt so I have to take a break from writing it/do something else for a little bit to get a breather. I mean, I can push through (which I've done before) but you feel a little empty afterwards. Or I'll go talk with my discord chat and tell them what just happened to get my mind off the scene

ask game for fanfic writers | send me asks

10. How do you stay motivated to finish what you’ve started?

Ooo, great question. Most times, if a story has gripped me by the throat, I'll keep working on it till it's completed. As for multi-chapters, sometimes I fall outta hyperfixation with them and I don't wanna work on them anymore, but then I also don't wanna leave them unfinished indefinitely (which is fine, of course but not for me) so I finish them (and I tend to feel better after I finish them, sometimes because I'm genuinely happy it's finished or sometimes I've relieved that it's over)

15. OCs or no OCs?

For me, no OCs, just because I don't need them in my stories. But more the merrier for others, y'all have fun creating your little guys

16. Do you use sentence starters, writing prompts and/or fandom headcanons for your fanfics?

Most of my fics started out as writing prompts, tbh. My Killer and Healer fics now are mostly my own ideas/aus...unless i'm feeling really uninspired. But I do still use sentence starters or other ideas to kind of spark something, if again, my brain can't figure out what it wants to write

30. What writing software do you use?

I use Microsoft Word and it's the only writing software I will ever use

32. Past or present tense?

Past, for the most part. Sometimes my headcanons will be in present but my fics are mainly in past

38. Do you partake in any fanfic/writing events? (Big bangs, zines, NaNoWriMo, etc?)

I do not, actually. I did NaNoWriMo in like...8th grade but nothing since

44. Does fanart of your fanfic exist?

It does! For my fic Violence Is Never the Answer...Except When It Is, @a-single-log-bridge drew Chen Yuzhi with a katana! You can see the fanart here! (With this I am giving y'all permission to draw my fics, please god, draw my fics, I beg)

ask game for fanfic writers! ⌨️🖊📓📝 | send me asks

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

Honestly, have no idea

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

Gonna copy my scene from my other ask that I got about this question, hang on

From my fic My One and Only (Killer and Healer mignon/vampire au)

         “Jiang Yuelou” he breathed before he quickly knelt before him and cupped his face in his hands.          “Jiang Yuelou” he whispered.  Jiang Yuelou, however, didn’t answer, causing Chen Yuzhi to whimper before he reached out and carefully pulled him into his arms, hugging him gently but tightly.          “I’m sorry.  Jiang Yuelou, I’m so sorry.  I lied…everything that I said was a lie.  I’m sorry.  I love you.  I really, really love you.  So please…please don’t leave me” he begged as he clung to him and buried his face in his neck.          “Don’t leave me.  Please don’t leave me” he pleaded.  Jiang Yuelou, however, didn’t answer again, causing Chen Yuzhi to let out another whimper before he hugged him tighter.          “Please” he whispered, just as two strong, but gentle, arms came around him and hugged him back.          “I won’t” a weak voice whispered, causing Chen Yuzhi to gasp and lift his head out of Jiang Yuelou’s neck as he looked at him with wide eyes.          “Jiang Yuelou” he breathed as Jiang Yuelou slowly lifted his head and smiled at him.          “Chen Yuzhi” he replied, causing Chen Yuzhi to let out a sob before he buried his face in his shoulder and hugged him tightly, making him smile weakly as he gave him a tight squeeze in return.          “I’m here.  I’m here.  I’m not going anywhere” he whispered. 

I just really like this scene because while Chen Yuzhi does like Jiang Yuelou throughout the fic, he's never like...expressed/reciprocated his feelings to Jiang Yuelou, who has. And now in this moment, when he's afraid Jiang Yuelou is going to die, he confesses that he loves him. And who doesn't love that trope, huh?

7. What do you think are the characteristics of your personal writing style? Would others agree?

Um...someone's always gonna get whumped, I know that much. Also, descriptions/dialogue...I've always been told I'm good at those...as well as staying in character/characters feel like how they do in canon, no matter the au. So I guess that? Idk (I'm never good about answering questions about my personal writing style because I don't pay attention to that sort of thing)

9. Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

Longfic. Always longfic, especially when it comes to Killer and Healer. I mean, look at my fucking word count on ao3. Do I look like a drabble writer to you? (No offense to anyone who does drabbles, just could not be me)

Most times, I am a pantser. I've learned that plotting kind of stifles my creativity. The only time "plotting" has worked for me is figuring out what's going to happen in each chapter of my fic The Demon and the Angel.

And no, I do not. I like writing my long fics and I like figuring stuff out on the go. That's what makes writing fun to me

15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

They're each hard in their own way, but I guess personally titles. Summaries for me are easy because I just take like a line/passage out of my fic and use that as the summary. Tags can be tricky too because I wanna make sure I tag everything that I think is in my fic but sometimes I can't tag everything (though I do try)

16. Tried anything new with your writing lately? (style, POV, genre, fandom?)

At some point, I'm going to try a sci-fi fic, which I've never done before, so that'll be interesting. It's inspired by the Netflix Movie Rebel Moon and I think it'll be fun once I get around to it...and my brain stops plaguing me with other au ideas

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

My fic Monster Like Me had a completely different version before I decided I liked the current version better....but even getting to that version it took 3 rewrites, one complete deletion of the fic and original outline and a whole new rewrite to get to what it is today. And I have to say I like this version so much better than what it was originally. Did you know this fic took me almost a fucking month to write? That's the longest a oneshot has ever taken me. Ever

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

Oh...I don't really have a lot of meta, at least not with the fic I'm currently working on. But with my Rebel Moon au, the idea actually came to me on my 7 hour plane ride home from Hawaii. I couldn't sleep at all nor did I play on my computer nor did I watch any movies...I just listened to music the entire time. And for most of the time, I listened to

on repeat. If you wanna read the rest of the story, I actually answered about the au over here

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as? (film, webcomic, animated series?)

Well, I write most of my stories like they're a movie/drama, so movie/drama would work, because I see my writing (or any writing for that matter) like it's a movie playing in my head

23. What’s the story idea you’ve had in your head for the longest?

A Killer and Healer Howl's Moving Castle au. I've always loved Howl's Moving Castle and I think it would work great as a K&H au, but I just don't know a) which couple to use because it could work both ways and b) when I'm ever going to have time to write it (because I am plagued with other au ideas all the damn time)

25. What part of writing is the most fun?

Oh man, talking about fic ideas with your friends. Just gushing about how scenes would work/play out, who characters would be (if I'm inspiring a fic off of a drama/anime/movie/manga), what certain scenes will entail...stuff like that. That shit is fun. I mean, writing is fun too because you're taking what's in your brain and putting it on paper, but like...just brainstorming with your friends is fun

Fun meta asks for writers | send me asks

[ltleflrt]

Hey Carrie! You talked a little the other day about writers' tendency to start a fic too early in the story, and how you see a lot of first scenes that could have been scrapped to improve the story. My question is if you have some tips to recognize while writing that first scene that you are starting too early in the story?

Hello friend!

That's a really good question, and I'll see if I can give an answer that makes sense. I am not a professional, and I'm not educated or trained in this stuff, it's just something that I recognize from years and years and years of voracious reading. And as with all writing advice, I encourage you to take what I'm going to say with a grain of salt and remember that no writing rule is a hard rule, only a guideline.

Also, my advice is going to be pertaining fanfiction, and specifically to AUs. Obviously a published book has an editor with a razor blade going through a manuscript for you, and the problems that bother me in fanfiction crop up in AUs more than Canonverse.

Oh, and every instance of "you" is general, not specific 😜

So I think the main problem that I see is that people are starting with an Info Dump. An Info Dump is not always a bad thing, sometimes it's completely necessary, but it is NOT where you want to start your story. If it absolutely has to be done, it's better to be somewhere in the middle or near the end. When it's something that your characters need to know.

That's an important bit: Do your characters need to know this?

And related to that: Does your audience need to know this for the story to make sense?

And very important follow up: If the answers to the above questions are yes, does the character/audience need to know this RIGHT NOW?

There's a lot of information about your story that YOU need to know. Heck, my notes files are full of sooooooo much stuff that I know about the characters and plot that never reaches the final product.

So when you're reading your first chapter (I say reading, not writing, because sometimes info dumping for your own benefit is good, and then you fix it before you share the story lol), ask yourself those two questions.

So for example:

In an AU where Dean is a tattoo artist, and it's his POV. The story starts with Dean driving to work, and when he gets there he's going to find out that the empty shop next door has been purchased and is going to be a yoga studio. He meets Castiel out front, up on a ladder trying to hang a hand painted sign, and some teens go running buy and knock into the ladder and Dean has to catch Castiel from falling. (Anyone who wants to adopt this idea is welcome to it btw, I would love to read this lol)

The mistake I often see in a first chapter like this is that as Dean is walking to work, there's a whole Info Dump about why he's a tattoo artist instead of a hunter. He'll be ambling along, thinking about his nice little business, and there's info about how his mom died in a fire, and his dad was a jerk, and Dean didn't go to college because he saved his money for Sammy's college fund, and Dean's only passion was art, and Bobby Singer introduced him to a tattoo shop owner who took Dean under his wing, etc.

Question 1, does your character need to know this?: Why is Dean reflecting on his past? Does Castiel need to know this information in order to build a romance with Dean?

Question 2, does your audience need to know this?: Why does this information matter? If Dean's only reflecting on this because you want to make sure your audience knows where the timeline changed and this became an AU, then you're starting too early in your story. Dean doesn't need to know this, and honestly in a lot of cases the reader doesn't need to know this. This is information that should have been left in your notes file.

Question 3, does the character/audience need to know this NOW?: If this information is pertinent to the plot, like maybe there's some trauma there that Castiel might need to know about to develop their relationship, then you don't want to put it HERE, you want to put it in a conversation with Castiel LATER.

If I was writing this AU, I would just start with Dean sipping his coffee, he's kinda tired because reasons, he looks up to see an unusual commotion, and has to drop his coffee and sprint forward to catch Cas. If he's reflecting on anything in this scene, it's going to be whatever made him tired, or how good/bad the coffee is this morning. Since Cas is a new business owner, they can talk about the origins of Dean's business on their first date, because it'll be a relevant response to Castiel talking about the origins of his yoga studio.

And just in general, if Dean's origin story includes a lot of canon elements, like mom dying in a fire, dad being a deadbeat, Sammy being the adorable overachieving Stanford student.... try to hide that info for as long as you can so that the audience is actually curious about it by the time the info might pop up. It's the wild divergences that are more interesting earlier on.

Okay, and then I want to talk about my giant pet peeve for a starting chapter. It's a specific kind of info dump, that often includes the stuff from above, but then goes a step further.

My nemesis, The Daily Grind.

I haven't asked the authors, so I could be wrong about this, but I feel like most of the time when this type of chapter is included in a story it is because the author wants to show the reader that the character's life is boring and meaningless before the plot's inciting incident. I can absolutely see why that might be considered an important detail about the character, but keep in mind if it's boring and meaningless to the character, it's boring and meaningless to your audience.

You know how I said earlier that writing tips should never be hard and fast rules? Well this is in regards to that Show Don't Tell rule, and it's an example of TOO MUCH showing lol

It is possible to do a daily grind in an interesting way, but only if you include a Shake Up right away. And you have to look at the 3 questions a little bit differently.

So for example:

Castiel POV, and he works in an office. His daily routine is to always get up at the same time every day, he goes for his run, he grooms himself, he has his breakfast, he goes to work and talks to Kelly about how Jack's doing in kindergarten for a few minutes before going into his office. Adler comes in to be a prick, Castiel hates him for it, and then he does his reports, has lunch hiding in a corner of the lunch room so that his co-workers will leave him alone, he does more reporting, leaves an hour after his shift technically ends, goes home to a lonely apartment that maybe includes a pet who is the only being that shows him affection, has an unsatisfying dinner of leftover takeout while watching a mindless reality tv show, then he goes to bed.

Ugh.

BORING.

Which, yeah I get it, the point is that his life is boring. But now the story is too, and I've clicked the back button before I can see how exciting it's capable of getting.

Question 1, does your character need to know this?: No. He knows. Poor thing definitely already knows.

Question 2, does your audience need to know this?: Yes, but...

Question 3, does the character/audience need to know this NOW?: Yes, but new question for ya:

Optional Question 4, why does this need to be separate from your plot's inciting incident? The answer to this 4th question is usually that it doesn't.

Chapter 2 of this type of beginning usually shows the shake up of Castiel's day. My advice is to start with the shakeup, and sprinkle in the details of what you would have put into chapter 1 to show the contrast. It's far more interesting to learn how boring Castiel's day is by starting with the shake up.

So, same scenario:

Castiel's alarm doesn't go off for some reason, OH NO HIS ROUTINE IS SHAKEN UP! You're explaining his routine while also stressing him the fuck out because he has to rush, or skip something that he normally needs to do. Action! Interesting! He gets to work late, and has to miss his conversation with Kelly about Jack because she's telling him that Adler's already in his office being a prick because Castiel isn't there waiting for him like he always is. Oh shit, he's pissing off his asshole boss! Conflict! He's so flustered by the shakeups that he misses something on his report, and he gets a call from that new marketing guy Dean Winchester who asks if they can have a meeting about it when Castiel normally takes his lunch. BAM! MEET CUTE OPPORTUNITY! While Castiel is getting all flustered by how pretty Dean is while they talk about TPS reports, he can reflect on how this is both better and worse than hiding from his co-workers in the corner of the lunch room. The rest of the day after that meeting he's thinking about how weird this day is, he still goes home an hour late, he talks to his pet about his weird day when he gets home, and maybe he still eats leftover takeout, but he's not paying attention to the reality tv show because holy shit he wants to count Dean's freckles.

In this example, you're Telling the audience about Castiel's normal routine instead of Showing them. But since it's during a plot heavy chapter, it works!

Lemme see if I can TL:DR this...

As you're reading, ask yourself who needs to know this information, why do they need to know this information, and why is it important for this information to be included early instead of later?

If the answer to any of those questions boils down to "this is backstory" instead of "this kicks off the plot", then you've started too early.

I hope this helps? I'm always nervous about giving writing advice because so much of the time I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm just feeling around in the dark. And I definitely do not ever want to hurt an author's feelings, because this hobby is so fucking hard, and we're all fragile. Even authors who welcome con-crit with open arms will have a weak point that they're unaware of that might get poked wrong and cause a crack, ya know?

I hope anyone who gets this far who might see their own works reflected in my examples understands that I have a lot of respect for their ability to put their work out into the world, and I want them to keep doing it. We're here to have fun, okay? Okay. I love y'all 💜

[kjack89]

An Agreement Between Gentlemen (Chapter 4/?)

Continuation of the E/R Bridgerton AU, regency-era fake-marriage shenanigan-fest. This time, with duel-shenanigans as well! (Chapter 1 tumblr | AO3, chapter 2 tumblr | AO3, chapter 3 tumblr | AO3)

Dearest Readers, 

This Author recommends that young women prone to swoon do not read this most peculiar of updates without someone there to catch them, as the most shocking of scandals has broken, and not, as one might expect, from the city but rather from the country.

If you have guessed that it involves our two unlikely friends out for a country jaunt, you would be correct, but we doubt even the most voracious of readers would guess the nature of the scandal. It turns out Mr. Grantaire is not an only child, as many have supposed, but instead has a sister of the marrying age. Why she was not presented to society is anyone’s guess, but we expect she’ll be along soon enough, given what has occurred. 

Details are still forthcoming, but suffice it to say, the Marquess of Enjolras, perhaps least likely amongst his cohort to find himself in this situation, appears to have been found in a compromising position with Mr. Grantaire’s sister. A quick, quiet wedding is the fastest way to deal with a scandal of this nature, but the salacious nature of this situation doesn’t end here:

The Marquess has allegedly refused to marry Mr. Grantaire’s sister, so Mr. Grantaire publicly challenged the Marquess to a duel for his sister’s honor, and the Marquess accepted. 

Tales of Mr. Grantaire’s prowess in physical contests are well-known, so this Author hopes for the Marquess’s sake that his aim with a gun is less impressive. Fear not, dear Reader. This Author suspects that both the Marquess of Enjolras and Mr. Grantaire will emerge from the duel with all limbs intact, but we also suspect that Grantaire will emerge with a soon-to-be brother-in-law – and the Marquess with a fiancée. LADY WHISTLEDOWN’S SOCIETY PAPERS, 4 May 1831 

It was, charitably speaking, ungodly early when Enjolras was roused from his bed by the ever dour-faced Le Cabuc. There was not even a hint of sunlight when he glanced out the window before getting dressed, and when he and Grantaire set off a half hour later, there was still just the beginning rays of sunlight creeping over the horizon.

Usually, Enjolras did not mind waking at an early hour, though he was more inclined to work late into the night and have a bit of a lie-in the next morning whenever possible, but he had slept poorly the previous night. Undoubtedly, he thought sourly as he followed Grantaire away from the house, because of what they were setting out to do.

Not that he had much real cause for concern – after all, if Grantaire was going to shoot him, surely he would have done it long ago.

That said, he would also have felt slightly more comfortable if he was carrying one of the guns, rather than Grantaire carrying both as he currently was.

But he suspected his tossing and turning was more related to the grand scheme they were attempting to pull off, and his very real concern that they were not going to be able to. Thus far, certainly, all pieces of the plan had fallen in place, but that as much as anything was setting him on edge. After all, it would take but one thing going awry from the whole arrangement to unravel, and Enjolras was not thoroughly convinced that—

Grantaire heaved a sigh and glanced over his shoulder at Enjolras. “Could you please be quiet?” he asked, sounding as tired as Enjolras felt.

Enjolras scowled at him. “I haven’t said anything!” he protested.

“No, but I can hear your mind going a mile a minute,” Grantaire groused, waving a dismissive hand. “It is positively spoiling what should otherwise be a magnificent morning.”

It was a lovely morning, Enjolras supposed, especially as the sun inched further up in the sky. “There is only so much I can do about the relative volume of my mind,” he told Grantaire, half-smiling as he did.

Grantaire pursed his lips slightly before shaking his head. “No, I suppose not,” he said, pausing in his stride to allow Enjolras to fall into step besides him. “Which means that I shall have to distract you instead.”

“And how do you intend on doing that?” Enjolras asked, more amused than curious.

“Well, I could regale you with what little I know about the vegetation in this area,” Grantaire offered, and when Enjolras wrinkled his nose, he laughed. “Very well. Then what conversation topic would you prefer?”

Enjolras considered it for a second. “I suppose you could start by telling me where, exactly, you’re taking me.”

“So banal,” Grantaire said, half under his breath, and he laughed and dodged when Enjolras tried to elbow him in the ribs. “Fine, fine. There’s a field not far outside of town that’s up on a small bluff. Isolated so that no one will see, but the elevation and lack of foliage between the field and town will allow the sound to carry, which is what I am banking on.”

“Not a lot of shooting out this way?” Enjolras asked, mostly jokingly, though Grantaire seemed to consider it for a moment before shaking his head.

“No. A fox hunt every now and then or something or the sort, but usually advertised well in advance and taking place further afield.”

The terrain sloped upward at that point, and both Enjolras and Grantaire fell silent as they trekked along. Finally, the slope evened out, and as Grantaire had promised, they were standing on the edge of a fairly flat field overlooking the town below. “Well,” Grantaire said, rather unnecessarily. “Here we are.”

He handed one of the pistols to Enjolras, who took it, feeling unusually out of sorts, even though this was hardly his first time wielding a weapon. “Ten paces?” he asked, mostly for lack of anything better to say.

“I suppose so,” Grantaire said, before winking at him. “Of course, in keeping with our attempt at verisimilitude, I could shoot you, if you wish. Just a flesh wound, in the shoulder maybe – just a little something to demonstrate how coerced you were into this whole affair.”

Enjolras rolled his eyes. “While I am certain that you would have no compunction shooting anyone, I really don’t think that’s necessary.”

Instead, he squared his shoulders and dutifully marched ten paces away before turning to face Grantaire again. “Here?” he asked, but Grantaire was frowning, his gun held loosely at his side.

“What do you mean by that?” he asked.

Enjolras blinked. “I mean, is this the correct distance?”

“No, by my not having any compunction about shooting anyone.”

There was something unfamiliar in Grantaire’s tone and Enjolras frowned, trying to figure out what exactly he had said to put Grantaire out. “I meant no offense,” he offered.

Grantaire shook his head. “I do not necessarily take offense,” he said. “But I would still wish to know what precisely you meant.”

Enjolras considered him for a moment. “I know that you are an accomplished boxer,” he said after a moment. “And I have it on good authority that you know also how to wield a blade, so it can only stand to reason that you know how to use a gun. That s all that I meant.”

“Know how, yes,” Grantaire said, “but I’ve never shot anyone, and I’m not certain that I could bring myself to, were it to come to that.”

Now it was Enjolras’s turn to frown and ask, “What do you mean?”

Grantaire shrugged, glancing down at the gun in his hand. “I mean, with boxing, with fencing, hell, even with street brawling as Bahorel and I are wont to do—”

“Wont is certainly one word for it,” Enjolras said sourly, too aware of how many times those two had gotten themselves into scraps.

“—with all of those,” Grantaire continued, ignoring him, “the goal is surrender. You wound or injure to get the offending party to back down. But with a gun?” Again he looked down at the gun in his hand, hefting it as if testing its weight. “With a gun, the outcome is too often death, no matter the intent. And I am not certain that I could bring myself to shoot a man, knowing the likely outcome is his death.”

It had not been at all the answer Enjolras was expecting. “Oh,” he said, a little stupidly. “I suppose I did not think of it that way.”

“What of you?” Grantaire asked, with a wry half-smile, as if aware of the absurdity of this conversation when the two men were facing each other with pistols in hands so as to duel. “Have you ever shot a man?”

Enjolras shook his head. “No,” he said, “but I don’t think I would have the same hesitation you would. Death is a tool, and there are times when, in order to bring about the best future possible, killing someone is the only option.” Grantaire shifted as if he was about to interrupt, but Enjolras did not let him. “But the law of progress is that this will no longer be the case some day, and that is the moment for which I would fight, and kill if necessary, so that none after me would face that choice.”

Grantaire was silent for a few moments after, and he was too far away for Enjolras to be able to read every line in his face like he normally would be able to. “I understand,” Grantaire pronounced finally, the two words spoken almost like a vow. 

Enjolras felt strangely tongue-tied at that, and looked away. “Shall we?” he asked, his voice strangely thick, and Grantaire nodded.

Both men faced each other once more, lifting their pistols to aim in the rough direction of the other, ready to get this over with. Later, Enjolras would never know what possessed him in that moment, but as he stared down the barrel of the gun at Grantaire, he could not help but blurt, “I could have sworn that you were going to kill that soldier.”

Grantaire lowered his pistol, his brow furrowing. “What soldier?”

Enjolras lowered his weapon as well. “Do you remember the demonstration we hosted outside of parliament last spring?”

“I am fairly certain the authorities deemed that less a demonstration and more a riot,” Grantaire said, a small smile twitching at the corners of his mouth.

“Even so,” Enjolras said, refusing to allow himself to get distracted. “Soldiers were called in to ‘enforce the peace’, though I am certain they were more violent than any of us—”

“They certainly were,” Grantaire murmured.

“—and there was this one soldier in particular who seemed quite determined to…”

Enjolras trailed off, and Grantaire cleared his throat. “To beat you to death in the street?” he supplied, a false, sharp cheerfulness to his words. 

Shaking his head slightly, more at the memory than in disagreement to Grantaire’s words, Enjolras swallowed before continuing, “That’s one way of putting it.” He met Grantaire’s eyes. “But you stopped him.”

“Yes.”

“Quite violently, as memory serves.”

Grantaire’s expression didn’t so much as flicker. “Yes.”

“But you did not wish to kill him?”

“Oh, I wanted very much to kill him,” Grantaire said, an ugly look crossing his face. “But I did not.”

Enjolras had the sense that continuing too far down that path was not going to end well, so he changed tacks slightly. “So then you too agree that death is a sometimes necessary tool.”

Grantaire jerked a shrug. “I suppose, yes,” he allowed. “If the circumstances were right.”

“And the circumstances were not right that day?” Enjolras asked, because he couldn’t resist prying, just a little.

Grantaire shook his head. “No.”

He did not seem inclined to elaborate any further, and Enjolras frowned. “Because you feared that you could have been arrested?” he asked, though he doubted that was the case, as Grantaire had been arrested as many times as any of their number.

Indeed, Grantaire snorted derisively. “As if the threat of incarceration has ever once stopped me,” he scoffed, before arching an eyebrow at Enjolras. “Or you, for that matter.”

“It helps knowing that you or I would only be incarcerated until the police realized who we were and released us,” Enjolras said dryly. “The perks of nobility – or gentility, I suppose, in your case.” 

“Gentility,” Grantaire repeated, smirking again. “I dare you to use that the next time you’re arrested, just to see what the officer placing you in irons has to say in response.”

Enjolras just rolled his eyes and ignored him, steering the conversation back on track. “What did stop you, then?” he asked, and when Grantaire looked confused, he elaborated, “From killing the soldier, if not the possibility of incarceration.”

Grantaire’s expression was unreadable as he locked eyes with Enjolras. “You were no longer in danger,” he said simply.

The stark words left Enjolras feeling as if his chest was suddenly a size too small, and it took him a moment to compose himself. To know Grantaire had reacted that way when the man was not convinced he could take a life, and all because Enjolras had been in danger...it was too much. Finally, he met Grantaire’s eyes once again, and hoped the two words he could muster conveyed everything that he wished they did. “Thank you.”

Grantaire seemed suddenly flushed, and he cleared his throat and looked away. “In any case,” he said loudly, “can we kindly get back to the business of shooting each other?”

Enjolras rolled his eyes. “Shooting at each other,” he corrected.

Grantaire smirked at him, all traces of the previous conversation disappearing. “Is that not what I said?” he asked innocently.

Again Enjolras rolled his eyes before once again raising his gun and aiming it in Grantaire’s general direction. Grantaire followed suit, a half a beat later. “Are you ready?” Enjolras asked.

“As ready as I will ever be,” Grantaire said. “On your count?”

Enjolras jerked a nod. “On my count,” he affirmed, taking a deep breath before counting, “One...two...shoot.”

Both guns went off with a flash of powder and smoke, the gunshots echoing loudly in the still morning air, loud enough to make Enjolras wince – though that may also have been from the recoil, which left Enjolras’s arm feeling weak. “Do you yield?” Grantaire called, and it took that question for Enjolras to remember the absurd reason for which they were there in the first place.

“Yes, I yield,” Enjolras told him, the first and only times those words had ever come out of his mouth.

Grantaire smirked at him. “And do you agree to marry my sister?”

Enjolras gave him a look. “There is no one here to hear my answer, you realize.” Grantaire returned his look with one of his own, and Enjolras sighed. “Yes, I will marry your sister.”

“Then I have my satisfaction,” Grantaire said, sounding just a little smug.

But as Enjolras handed his pistol back to Grantaire, as lingering pieces from their conversation played over in his mind, he could not help but feel that they had both gotten satisfaction that day.

[untaemedqueen]

The Bird Cage

Mafia!Jimin x Reader

Chapter 21.

Warnings:  Blood, Guns, Knives, Smoking (Cigarettes)

Tag-List: @imaforeigner​​​, @q1st1na​​​, @gensneverland​​​, @autumnnflowers​​​, @toddsgirl27​​​, @yaniposts22​​​, @babyboytae1​​​, @dearlydreadful​​​, @vivpurple7​​​, @kthfeed​​​, @probably-trying-too-hard​, @si-deus-me-hanyu-senshu​​​, @bts-chub​​​, @ayyyocee​​​, @taeslittletiger​​​, @yeonkiminfr​​​, @xcharlottemikaelsonx​​​​ , @topthis808​​​,  @brilee64​, @mini-coop25​,  @afangirllikeme-blog​​, @kpoppingthempills​​

"Rice, an omelette, kimchi and galbi-jjim!" You call out to Two with a mouthful of toothpaste. She looks wide-eyed at Jimin who looks up over his morning newspaper with a smirk. 

"The baby is making her hungry." Two smiles before nodding.

"Yes, Sir!" 

"Two!" You call to her as she opens the door. She tilts her head as you peak your head out from the bathroom. 

"Make some stew and rice for Four, please." Jimin furrows his eyebrows as Two looks at you confused. 

"Yes, Madam." Jimin puts down his newspaper as she exits the room before looking at his Rolex watch. 

"Why the fuck are you feeding that bitch?" He asks loudly as you put on your dress. You walk out to him before showing him your back. He stands up, scraping the chair back loudly as he grabs your zipper. His lips pressing to the back of your neck as he zippers you up. 

"Hmm? Why are you feeding her?" 

"You know my saying." He hums in agreement.

"Something about flies. Honey more than bleach or whatever." You giggle as he hooks his arms around your waist before pulling you down into his lap. 

"I'm going to be watching this interaction. If you even get an ounce of anger within you, you're done. You hear me? Done. You will not get angry with our child inside you." You could tell he was worried. He was up all night thinking about this morning. The dark purple bags under his small eyes were enough evidence alone. 

"Do you hear me?" You nod before turning to him and kissing him sweetly. 

"The baby can feel that anger and I won't have my child being in as much misery as the both of us were. Our baby deserves the best. They can hear us now y'know." 

You went to the hospital a few days ago for your 11 week check up. The baby was growing fingers and toes. Their ears and brain were developing. And, if there is even a chance that this baby could hear you, Jimin wouldn't be having it. The baby is inside of you, it could probably feel your blood getting hot and angry and he would NOT have his child feeling you upset over anything. 

"There has been so much death and misery in this fucking house." Jimin bawls up his hands into fists as a rage begins to grow. 

"Our baby is going to bring happiness and joy to this house. I don't want it knowing anger and being upset." You kiss his temple as the veins in his neck begin to beat harder. 

"I know, I know." You whisper soothingly as he rubs your stomach. 

"I'm nervous enough as it is that the chamber is up here. Even the medical room. I mean what if the baby gets older, like 3 or 4 years old and Taehyung gets shot and needs Guk to sew him up. I don't want my child to see such gruesome stuff! Especially if it's a little girl." He mumbles putting his hand to his forehead, you stay quiet as he expresses his fears. You know how heavy Jimin's heart can get sometimes and it always comes out early in the morning or before you both go to sleep. 

"I keep having these thoughts, these fucking thoughts, that if it's a boy. Okay, he'll grow into my legacy. He'll know my job, my fucking...fucking pain. But he shouldn't! He shouldn't ever know my pain, he shouldn't have to do this fucking shit. And if it's a girl-" Jimin grits his teeth, his jaw muscles flexing and tightening, "-fucking forget about it." 

"Daddy's little princess?" Jimin chuckles before looking up at you. 

"Damn right my little princess." He takes a sip of his screwdriver before sighing and rubbing his hands over his face. 

"I just want them to be happy, y'know? Be a normal child. Be...Be free..." You smile down at him.

"My little bean deserves everything we couldn't have." You hum in agreement.

"They will. They'll have a great childhood." Jimin sighs before kissing your cheek and squeezing you tightly. "I hope so."

You step into the chamber with sweaty palms and a tray of food. It's been a long time since you've been in here. 

"Hey." You whisper walking towards Four with the food. 

"Brought you some real food." Four looks up at you, her lip bloody and her cheek swollen as you set the tray in front of her. And, for the first time you pull the chair from the corner of the room to sit closer to her. 

"Why?" Her voice is hoarse and deep. You tilt your head.

"Why what?" She pulls the tray closer observing her meal. 

"Why'd you bring me food?" You sigh as she begins to eat voraciously, the sight making your stomach uneasy. You could see her ribs through her chest and you know she hasn't been eating properly. 

"I'm not a bad person Four, I've told you this." She hums uncertainly with a mouthful of food. 

"You'll make yourself sick if you eat that quickly." She narrows her eyes at you menacingly and you hold your hands up. Out of the corner of your eye you see the camera in the corner of the room blinking steadily with a red light. Your husband is watching. 

"Fuck, this is so good." She hums out before grabbing the glass of water on the tray. She looks at your stomach before tilting her head. 

"So you are pregnant." You nod to her pressing your lips into a straight line as the room goes silent. Four puts her head against the wall before sighing. 

"I didn't know you were pregnant. If I had known, I wouldn't have done that." 

"I didn't know either so we're even, like I've said before." She snorts before rolling her head to the side to look at you. 

"I did it because he told me Jimin deserved it." You lean back in the chair, now we're getting somewhere. 

"The man you love?" She nods before licking at her chapped and cracked lips. 

"Yes. Him." You hum to her.

"Do you think he loves you back." She laughs loudly folding her dirty arms.

"Y/N. Would I be in here if he loved me? I've been in here for months." You sigh folding your arms as well. 

"I don't understand why he hated me enough to try and kill me." Four looks at you before shaking her head. 

"No. He doesn't hate you, he hates Jimin and I had no intention of killing you. It was a watch your back sort of move. You know? Cutting your back open." You hum to her before feeling at the scar on your back. 

"Why does he hate Jimin?" Four shrugs.

"I don't know. He just told me to do it and so I did. Because, I'm an idiot." Her face gives nothing away but you could hear the sorrow and anger in her voice and that is something to go on. 

"He broke your heart." She rolls her eyes before sniffing.

"He promised me that he loved me so much. That I was his love from a past lifetime." You want to laugh but you don't, she is very naive and gullible. Incredibly so. 

"Jimin told me he would give me the world. I still don't own it. Men lie, Four." You could practically hear his scoff through the metal walls and it makes you smirk. 

"Of course they fucking do." She mumbles.

"You're talking a lot." You comment to her..

"Yeah, I've been stuck in here for months. Of course I'm talking. All Sir Jeongguk does is come in and hit me. Does that result in answers? No." You look up at the camera as she puts her head down before sticking out your tongue. A brat will be a brat through and through. If only Jimin would have let you come in sooner. 

"He promised he would come back for me." You click your teeth before leaning forward pressing your hands together. 

"Can I tell you something?" She looks up at you furrowing her eyebrows. 

"Not a single Jung has come to retaliate against us since we began payback. No one has shot at us, tried to hurt us or even come to the house for their revenge." 

She nods before sighing, "Yeah. I figured. I'm just an idiot who fell in love with a man because he smiled at me while I was wearing my uniform." 

You can kind of understand her, it must be so lonely as a maid. You were almost one yourself a few months ago. 

"You aren't an idiot. You're just...gullible." She sputters into a laugh as you smirk. 

"Yeah. Thanks." 

"I can get you the payback you deserve. If you tell me his name I can break his heart just like he did to you." She looks back down at the floor. You could see the cogs turning in her head as she thinks. Her eyes flickering from one floor tile to the other. 

"He deserves to suffer for doing this. For fooling you, for hurting both of us." She puts her hands over her face as she sighs. You already know what you will do once you get the name. The plan is already made in your mind. 

"You can do that?" You nod to her as she looks back up at you. 

"I can. And, I will." She hums in agreement before putting her head back. 

"What's it like to be pregnant?" She asks randomly as you sit back in your chair. 

"I throw up a lot, pee a lot, hit Jimin a lot." She snorts and you smirk.

She was silent for some time. Never looking at you and always at the floor or the ceiling. 

"I'll tell you his name. He deserves to suffer." She says folding her legs and sitting up properly. 

"He will suffer, I promise you." She nods slowly. 

"Jung Gyuhyung." You feel the relief rushing through your veins like heroin. A weight being lifted off of your shoulders as you sit back relaxed. 

"Thank you, Four. I promise. He will suffer for this." She nods putting her lips into a straight line. 

"There's one thing you should know." You raise an eyebrow at her voice. The comment intriguing as you clear your throat. 

"He works for someone named Kim Youngju. Gyuhyung has said he's a fearsome leader. A man hell bent on Jimin's destruction." Kim Youngju?! He was supposed to be in a coma?! Jimin told you this months ago before the ball. 

"Thank you for telling me." Four nods before touching her chapped lips. 

"Give him hell. I'm sorry I hurt you. You're nice it was wrong of me." You give her a small smile before standing. 

"I forgive you." You speak the truth and she seems to relax, there was no point in being ruthlessly angry at a naive girl who had her heart broken by a man who was manipulative. You put the chair back in the corner before leaving the room with high hopes.

You walk down the hallway to Jimin's office where he said he would be with the guys. Four was just a product of manipulation and you felt bad for her. She was too gullible to be helped and even still she would die for what she has done to you. Jimin wouldn't let her go since you were pregnant at the time of her assault on you. 

You descend the stairs quickly rushing to get to Jimin. You finally got the name you had been dying for. You could proceed with events. You pass Hyejin as she leaves Taehyung's room. She gives an embarrassed giggle and you wink at her before opening up the office room. 

As you open the door, the guys are all on their phones talking to someone. Jimin stares at the laptop screen before looking at you. He gives you a small smile as Namjoon hangs up his phone. 

"We're finding him." Jimin breathes a sigh of relief before opening his arms. 

"My Kitten. Always getting information so easily." You smile at him before sitting on his lap. 

"I have a plan." You tell everyone, Jimin raises an eyebrow as you fix yourself comfortably on his lap. The others hang up their phones before giving you their undivided attention. 

"We're going to rope him in." 

"How?" Yoongi asks folding his arms. 

"Jina is our sexiest escort. When Namjoon finds out where he is, Jina will seduce him. Bring him to a secluded spot, a hotel room or an alley." Jimin snaps his fingers before nodding. 

"Good idea baby. Then we'll grab him there." You turn your head before shaking it. 

"No. We're going to get him to fall in love with Jina. She's going to become a part of his life. Get us information, get us his plans and then we'll take him." Jimin stares at the desk letting your idea process through his head. He hums before nodding.

"Let's put it to a vote then." Jimin raises his hand and you do as well. The rest of the guys raise their hands before smiling at you. 

"The Vixen always wins. Huh?" Jeongguk teases you, making you laugh. 

"So it would seem." Jimin mumbles before kissing your cheek. His hand coming to rest on your stomach as the guys begin to talk about the new plan coming to fruition.

You sit with Hyunah in the restaurant you helped Ong Mingyu acquire back with the guns he paid 6 million for. 

"Kim Youngju is Kim Shin's son." You finish explaining to her and she hums in amusement. 

"Is that right? I've never even thought to ask. I've had a few dealings with him in the past. He's acquired heroin from me to back sell in China." You hum as you pick at your food. You put your fork down before putting your hands over your face. 

"He's supposed to be in a coma." Hyunah grabs your hands, taking them off of your face before narrowing her eyes at you. 

"Let me tell you this once and once only. Yes, the circumstances are not great but you can not dwell on that. You have to push past this, push past your nervousness. You won't make anything of yourself if you wallow in your own fear. And, if Jimin was here he would say something about it being bad for your child." She tapers off her voice at the end before lighting a cigarette. You sit back in your chair before sighing. Of course, she's right, she pretty much knows all. 

"That plan that you have for Jina. That's a great plan and you have to stick to it. You get Kim Youngju, you get Kim Shin. This is what you are working towards." You nod to her before folding your arms, you have to proceed as planned. Nervousness could not enrapture your whole being. You have to be strong to get what you want. 

"Just remember this, Y/N. The anger you hold should push you, not your nervousness. Cowardice is not allowed in your brain, only power." You hum to her as the doors open. 

"Jina is waiting for you at home." Yoongi tells you before smirking at Hyunah. "Go get 'em lioness."

[keplercryptids]

nonfiction LGBTQ+ books i read this year

i read a lot this year, and a good chunk of it was LGBTQ+ nonfiction. so i thought it might be nice to list what i read. as a note, many of these books deal with LGBTQ history in the United States. too often, mainstream US-centric LGBTQ texts focus on white middle-class cisgender folks, though I’ve done my best to balance that as much as possible with other perspectives. (that being said, if you got ‘em, i would LOVE book recommendations that tackle worldwide/non-white LGBTQ issues!)

Accessibility notes: Given the nature of the genre, there’s a lot of intense discussion re: homophobia and transphobia. Basically every book listed covers those things to some extent, and I’ve specified where there’s additional potentially triggering content. (If you have specific questions about triggers, please let me know!) also, some of these books are on the academic side. I’ve done my best to note when a book was very academic or when I found it to be more readable. (full disclosure on that note: I’m a college grad and voracious reader without any reading-specific learning disabilities, so my opinion may be different than yours!) as a final note, I was able to access most of these as e-books/audiobooks through my local library. I live in a major metropolitan area, if that gives you any idea of how easy it’ll be for you to find these books. I’ve noted when a book was more difficult to get my hands on.

History

Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay Male World 1890-1940 by George Chauncey. As the title suggests, this book focuses on gay male communities in NYC pre-World War 2. Even with that limited scope, this is an important read to better understand gay male history in the early 20th century. Gay communities thrived in the early 1900s and this snapshot of that is really wonderful. This is definitely more of an academic read, but I highly recommend it. while it definitely focuses on white middle-class gay men, there was more discussion of poor and/or gay men of color than i had actually expected, so that’s nice. (CW for rape and sexual assault, homophobic violence and medicalization of homosexuality.)

Queering the Color Line: Race and the Invention of Homosexuality in American Culture by Siobhan B. Somerville. Finally, a book about queer history that actually talks about black people! I was expecting more of a history book, whereas this was more of a critique of specific novels, plays and movies of the early 1900s and was way more focused than i was expecting. don’t get me wrong, I majored in English lit so i’m super into that kind of analysis as well, it just wasn’t as far-reaching as I would have liked. Also, it’s very academic. (Only the print version was available at my library.) (CW for racism, mentions of slavery.)

Transgender History by Susan Striker. This book describes itself as an “approachable introductory text” to transgender history in the US, which I agree with. It’s a pretty short read given the enormity of the topic, so it doesn’t go into much detail about specific groups or events, but imo it’s a good introduction. Especially interesting to me was the information about where and when TERF ideology began. Academic but on the easier-to-read side. (CW for transphobia, gross TERF rhetoric, brief mentions of the AIDS crisis, police violence.)

Gay Revolution by Lillian Faderman. okay so, I gave this 1 star. it’s probably a good book if you know absolutely nothing about US LGBTQ history and want an intro, but a review on goodreads said that it should be called Gay Assimilation instead and i completely agree. Faderman focuses on white middle-to-upper class gay and lesbian assimilationists, often at the expense of radical queer and trans people of color. The latter is hardly mentioned at all, which is ridiculous given trans folks’ contributions to the LGBTQ movement. When radical people ARE mentioned, it’s often in a disparaging way, or in a way that positions the radicals as too extreme. Faderman constantly repeats the refrain that the fight for LGBT rights was “just like what black people did for their rights” without any addendum about why that is...not a good take. There’s no meaningful discussion of race, class or intersectionality. She lauds Obama as a hero for the gays and there’s a ton (I mean a TON) of content about how military acceptance + gay marriage = we won, or whatever. anyway, i wasn’t a fan, although many of the events and organizations discussed in this book are important to know just from a factual basis. (CW for all the stuff I mentioned, plus police violence, medicalization of homosexuality. it’s also fucking LONG so i recommend the audiobook, lol.)

Queer (In)Justice: The Criminalization of LGBT People in the United States by Joey L. Mogul,  Andrea J. Ritchie, and Kay Whitlock. This is “a searing examination of queer experiences--as ‘suspects,’ defendants, prisoners, and survivors of crime.” A frequently upsetting but super important read about how LGBTQ identities have been policed in the past, and currently are policed today. i wish there was more focus on trans folks, but other than that it’s a solid read. (CW for all the things you’d expect a book about policing and imprisoning LGBTQ folks to include: police and institutionalized violence, sexual assault, transphobia, homophobia.)

Stonewall by Martin Duberman. This book follows the lives and activism of six LGBTQ folks before, during and after the Stonewall riots. Note: Stonewall itself is only discussed in one chapter about 2/3 of the way through, the rest of the book dedicated to the six individuals’ lives and activism up to and after that point. It’s a history book with a strong narrative focus that I found to be a fairly accessible read. (CW for minors engaging in sex work and sexual predation by adults, sexual and domestic violence, police violence, drug and alcohol abuse, mentions of suicide.)

And the Band Played On: Politics, People, and the AIDS Epidemic by Randy Shilts. This is a HEAVY but really important read about the AIDS epidemic in the US, tracking the disease and the political/cultural response from about 1980-1985. It’s journalistic nonfiction, so although it’s a very long book I found it easier to read than more academic-y books. the only thing i really disliked was how the book demonized “Patient Zero” in quite unfair ways, but it was originally published in ‘87 so that explains part of it. I want to stress again that it’s heavy, as you’d expect a book about thousands of deaths to be. (CW: oh boy where to start. Graphic descriptions of disease/death, graphic descriptions of sex, medical neglect, republican nonsense.)

Memoirs, essays, etc

Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme edited by Ivan E. Coyote. i felt mixed about this one! i appreciated the different perspectives regarding gender and desire, especially since this anthology contains a lot of essays by people who came of age in the 60s-80s (so there’s a historical bent too). but some of the essays feel dated, at best, and offensive at worst. there was more than one instance of TERF-y ideology thrown in. probably 1/4 of the essays were really really great, and i’d still recommend reading it in order to form your own opinions--also, imo it’s useful to see where TERF ideology comes from. this book was harder to find, and i had to order a print version through interlibrary loan. (CW for a few TERFy essays. i read this earlier in the year so it’s possible i’m forgetting some other triggers, sorry!)

Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation by (editors) Kate Bornstein and S. Bear Bergman. Serving as a follow-up of sorts to Bornstein’s Gender Outlaw, this is a collection of narratives by transgender and gender-nonconforming folks. While not “history” in a technical sense, many of the writers are 30+ and give a wide array of LGBTQ+ experiences, past and present, that are important. I didn’t agree with every single viewpoint, of course, duh! But some of the essays were really powerful and overall it’s a good read. (CW for one essay about eating disorders, some outdated language/reclaimed slurs as to be expected--language is one of the main themes of the collection actually so the “outdatedness” is important.)

S/He by Minnie Bruce Pratt. A memoir published in 1995, focusing on Minnie’s life, marriage, gender identity, eventual coming out and relationship with Leslie Feinberg. i really enjoyed this one. it was beautifully written. there are many erotic elements to this memoir so keep that in mind. also was a little harder to get, and i had to order a print version via interlibrary loan. (i read this awhile ago and can’t remember specific triggers, sorry! if anyone knows of some, please let me know.)

I’m Afraid of Men by Vivek Shraya. A memoir by a trans woman ruminating on masculinity. it’s beautiful and very short (truly more of a longform essay), so it’s a good one if you don’t have the attention span/time for longer books. (CW for sexism, harassment, transphobia.)

Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde. god, this memoir is gorgeous and is one of my favorite books of the year. it chronicles Audre’s childhood in Harlem and her coming-of-age in the 1950s as a lesbian. ultimately, this is a book about love and that resonates throughout every page. idk can you tell i loved this book so much??? (CW for child abuse, sexual assault, a friend’s suicide, racism.)

We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir by Samra Habib. suuuuch a good book! Samra writes about her life as she and her family arrive in Canada as refugees from Pakistan in her early childhood, onto her life today as a queer Muslim woman of color, photographer and activist. beautifully written and just such an important perspective. Only the print version was available at my library. (CW for child sexual assault, a suicide attempt and suicidal ideation, non-graphic mentions of domestic violence, racism and sexism.)

Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kababe. this is a beautifully illustrated graphic novel memoir about the author’s journey of discovering eir identity as queer. i related to a lot of it, which was great on a personal level, but i also think it could be a great educational tool for those wanting to know more about gender queerness (especially for those who prefer graphic novels!) (CW for gender dysphoria, descriptions of gynecological exams, imagery of blood and a couple pages depicting being impaled, some nudity, vomit.)

[bardic-inspo]

fanfic writer ask meme! J, U and X!

Ahh I got J a few times but I LOVE tropes so I’ll pick ANOTHER favorite trope. 

And I don’t really know the name of this trope, but like...dramatic love confessions. Love confessions where someone just blurts it out because suddenly, they need the other person to know right this minute, right now, exactly what the relationship between them is. Maybe the other person is the talky one or likes to be evasive, but the whole darn world is gonna stop right now because those words need to be said. Bonus points if the character confessing doesn’t even realize they’re about to say it and is equally shocked as the other person when they do. *chef’s kiss* That’s the good stuff!

EDIT: I realized I forgot to answer the other two when I posted, woops!!

U: Is there a pairing you would like to write, but haven’t tried yet.

Ahh, I did dip my toes in this, but I eventually have future designs on further OT3 shenanigans with Nat, Deacon, and Mac. Lots more there I want to explore!!

X: How would you categorize your fanfic reading?  Are you a voracious reader?  Do you carefully pick and choose?  Something in between?

Oof, I’m sort of all over the place. In the past I ONLY read finished longfics with a huge amount of chapters and I would just. DEVOUR them in an epic weekend, and then not read any fic for a long time.

Since I’ve engaged more with fandom, I’ve come to prefer reading stories that are actively updated or reading chapter-by-chapter so that I can interact with the writer more and enjoy it as an experience more than just a finished “product”. My fic interests have really diversified past my initial OTPs due to some really talented people roping me into ships I wouldn’t have gravitated towards myself. I’m eclectic, I guess. I like to try different things when I’m looking for something new to read!

ALSO, I am SLOW. And it’s not due to lack of interest! It’s because when I get excited, I get up and PACE instead of reading!! Which slows me down considerably. Also, I have a strong need to write long comments :)

Thanks for the ask friend! <3

Fic Writer Asks

[illegiblewords]

Illegible FFXIV Story Status - UPDATED

I actually have a few stories finished, going, or in the wings at the moment for FFXIV! And people seem to like them which is very exciting and cool since it’s been a while since I was in an active fandom like this!

Normally I don’t do this kind of post but frankly I know what it’s like as a reader to be in that fidgety “WHEN ARE YOU DOING X” state haha, and I want to be considerate of that.

So I’m going to actually make a progress list this time. Also just a collection of stuff in case people are curious.

COMPLETE

From Umbra: This is the backstory for my main Warrior of Light, Cenric Asher. I essentially did a deep dive into lore for Thanalan, Ul’dah, and Nald’Thal because I love all of them to pieces and wanted to combine them to create a character who truly felt shaped by the environment. Cenric is probably delusional and thinks he’s the son of a god but most likely just has some Duskwight lineage and really bad luck.

Posturing: First story in a series of Emet-Selch/Female!Warrior of Light stories called Brief Our Moments, I literally wrote this as a personal challenge to see if I could do something romantic with an ambiguous WoL. It’s fluffy and has  some humor. Warrior of Light is unnamed and only confirmed elezen so technically people can imagine their own Warrior if they feel like it. If you stop at this point in the series, The Dying Gasp has a kind of sweet undertone because the Warrior and Emet-Selch both get shown as sharing small kindnesses when they can get away with it.

Stillborn: Second story in a series of Emet-Selch/Female!Warrior of Light stories called Brief Our Moments, this is a continuation of my personal shipping challenge where I more or less went “okay but what would it take to get a kiss scene while being canon-compliant?” and discovered that the answer was angst. Can technically be read without Posturing but I wrote it with that story in-mind. Same deal on ambiguous Warrior of Light. If you stop at this point in the series The Dying Gasp is still bittersweet as per canon.

The Immortal Wound: Third story in a series of Emet-Selch/Female!Warrior of Light stories called Brief Our Moments, this the third part of my personal shipping challenge where I was all “m’kay so I know the price of a kiss what would it take to get a sex scene” and the answer was “blood sacrifice”. Very very angsty but also very very romance-y. Same deal as the previous two fics, you can technically read it all alone but I wrote it as a continuation. You can pretty much bypass The Dying Gasp with this one.

Stalemate: ANOTHER PERSONAL CHALLENGE SHIPFIC! I am a simple and easily distracted writer who occasionally needs to pause in outlining to tell more stories. This came into being for two reasons. 1) I saw someone say they wanted Warrior/Lahabrea shipfic and that’s something I’m perfectly happy to deliver 2) I saw another person lament the lack of M/M shipfics involving the Warrior of Light. I basically treat all the Ascians as bisexual anyway, so decided for Lahabrea I’d go with M/M. This is not a direct sequel to Eclipse but it is very much a spiritual successor in the sense that Eclipse can lend some context to the state Lahabrea is in here. Premise is that it’s not long after Haurchefant’s death and the Warrior of Light is both grieving and furious. Lahabrea, having not faced him since the Praetorium, takes advantage of this and antagonizes Hydaelyn’s chosen. Angst/Romance here, Warrior is unnamed but a midlander Dark Knight.

Appetite: I made a Vauthry fic for the 30 day prompt challenge. This was for “voracious” and it has cannibalism! Straight up horror story, I went stylistically trippy and played off some fun theories I saw with certain family dynamics.

Snuff: Another 30 day prompt challenge story, this one is basically a humor study on Lahabrea while he was infiltrating the Scions in Thancred’s body. He needs to go to bed. Tataru tries to tell him this and he ignores her. No one ignores Tataru and gets away with it.

Parched: And another 30 day prompt challenge fic, focusing on the Unsundered but mainly Elidibus. Humor, friendship, and bittersweetness here, basically none of them are functional people but the way Elidibus is non-functional is more subtle than the other two. Emet-Selch and Lahabrea conspire to get him smashed as a way to help with this. Pianos are involved.

Eclipse: Technically was also a 30 day prompt challenge fic. This one is from Nabriales’ point of view for the most part and explores his resentment and jealousy of the Unsundered as well as his specific animosity toward Lahabrea. It does not end well for Lahabrea. Angst and gen.

IN PROGRESS

Memento Mori: This is not online but I mentioned that I would be doing a sequel to The Immortal Wound and this is it! It is going to be very very big and AU and frankly the way I’m setting it up theoretically will allow me to adapt and keep weaving elements in as patch cycles progress. I have a lot of it mapped out already and did start the first chapter but I want to adjust certain bits in light of patch 5.1. I have some idea how I want it to end, but how will I get there? No idea. At this point I am caving and will be explicitly using my Warrior of Light Nivienne Leclair because 1) it is really difficult to keep he said/she said sounding clear and interesting even in shorter stories, let alone the monster this is bound to be 2) I have some fun references I want to make to the stories of Merlin and Nimue 3) at a certain point in a relationship you need to share backstories in explicit detail lol. So the last part (I think) for Brief Our Moments touches on the value of life as something fleeting and fragile.

Somnus: Elidibus-centric, this is essentially me slamming my hands on the table in a figurative sense and going “LET ME TELL YOU MY FEELINGS ABOUT DAD!ELIDIBUS.” It examines Elidibus’ dynamic with Unukalhai as well as the other two Unsundered, does a lot of backstory speculation, and explores difficulties all three of the Unsundered have with sleeping after the Terminus event. Technically Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, and kind of Family I guess? Worth noting that I’ve edited the bit that’s up since first posting in accordance with further information on canon. It’s probably AU anyway but oh well. I know more or less all the steps in this story, just have a bit of adjusting to account for my newer character interpretations. Plan to alternate it with Memento Mori.

Untitled Fem!WoL/Emet-Selch Shipfic Oneshot #1: Currently in cooldown mode from a medium-sized story,  I put out requests for shipfic clichés as a fun scenario and got a request for Fem!WoL/Emet-Selch courtesy of @nipuni! I don’t know that I can do all of them given I wanna pop back to Memento Mori but two I think I can pull off haha. 

Untitled Fem!WoL/Emet-Selch Shipfic Oneshot #2: Same deal as above lol, idk that I can do all of the prompts but two is pretty fair I think so gonna hit two!

Untitled Male!WoL/Lahabrea Shipfic Oneshot Sequel: This is an uncertain timing thing for me, basically I am a sucker for more optimistic endings when I can take them. If I can pull off a moderately small and optional goodish-end with the Dark Knight WoL from Stalemate, I don’t mind at all. And I do know how I’d do it. In case you haven’t noticed my impulse control is terrible and I have too many ideas for things.

Untitled Lahabrea/Emet-Selch Oneshot: Lmao this is literally “challenge accepted” for @strangefellows on an unambiguous, non-love triangle shipfic. Again, my impulse control is terrible. But I can totally do a oneshot for them.

Dead Language: Emet-Selch focused but follows the three Unsundered in the immediate aftermath of Terminus. I started this pretty early after Shadowbringers came out. At the time I knew where it was going, now I don’t and I might want to make a bunch of edits or even redo it depending. I still like bits of it, like the idea of Lahabrea obsessively reviewing his notes before summoning Zodiark so he doesn’t have to think about what’s going on around him.

With Good Intentions: A friendship fic, I decided to look at how Cenric specifically would relate to Emet-Selch because it stood out in an interesting way to me. It mostly has a bit of banter but I do have a planned direction and ending in mind that plays off the idea of conditional trust. Continues an idea I have with Cenric that he gets closest to people who treat him like he’s just a person, versus Warrior of Light.

Basically a good chunk of what I do is me going challenge accepted though lol. I honestly really love experimenting, and the whole “take X prompt and see what you can pull off” premise too. Right now I think I need to focus on what’s on my plate, but in-general I’m pretty happy to do requests!

[gotatext]

PREFERRED NAME — nora. i think i started going by it in like, 2009?? my full name is eleanor but i hated it n thought it was way too pretentious n i never felt like it fitted me so when i started writing on forums i decided i’d be a nora rather than eleanor and then my school friends called me it and it just kinda stuck, the only person who calls me eleanor is my mum

PRONOUNS — she / her / ethereal being beyond comprehension

AGE — 23 but i tell everyone im 21 because even tho time is literally fake im desperately clinging to that fleeting thing we call youth trying to catch it like smoke in my hands

PINTEREST — i actually have two. this one is my main one where i just cram all my shit n i’ve had it for years and some of its super unorganised. then i also have this one which is one i made for exclusively female characters. it started as mythological figures but now its like, women in literature and the occasional oc as well. variety is the spice of life!

DISCORD — lindsay lohan’s meth#8664

TUMBLR (PERSONAL/MUSE/RPH) — i used to be froseths but now im pvrscphones cos ya gal is a fucking whore for mythology 

OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE — oi oi guvna ere’s me twitta. also here’s my letterboxd n my goodreads if anyone still uses tht

MYER-BRIGGS — enfp / infp border .... the classic profile of a lit student

HP HOUSE — hufflepuff, am fuckin mad. 

ZODIAC — libra which is a joke because i am in no way balanced but i guess i AM indecisive and a peacekeeper so?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — i believe it when it says good shits gonna happen in my life and blame it if bad shit happens but i don’t strongly follow it i just find it interesting

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — maybe like 14?? my first rp blog here is literally so embarassing i wrote as clove from the hunger games n my best friend irl wrote cato :/ it was wild

WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — like 9 years ago?? 2010 maybs

NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — me n my friend ellie made this really cool group the summer before we left for uni which was loosely based on a concept mentioned mayb once in the divergent series, but it gave us loads of freedom to make it our own thing. it was called the fringe n it was like..... this dystopian society where people with different genes were cut off from the rest of society n lived in overrun slum cities where different groups had like, a monopoly over weapons, produce, etc.... my character jack was the leader of this lost-boy-esque tribe called the wolf pack who were hunters n used to run across the rooftops wearing the skins of animals they’d killed and engage in tribal rituals with sacrifices to the gods n shit. sounds lame but everyone there was so invested in their character arcs that it was a shame to see it go. but ! it kind of reached its end point so we blew it up w nukes n they all died. tragic.

WHAT WEIRD ANIMAL WOULD YOU HAVE AS A PET IF IT WAS REALISTIC — a fox?? do ppl keep foxes? idk i’ve always just felt a sense of connection w them like when a fox stares at me im like this shit is life i am living and breathing in this bitch.... visceral

NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — everbody party tonight by cobra man n summer girl by haim..... not my usual stuff but big summer chillin vibes,.....

NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — lord of the flies and also the handmaid’s tale. one of assignments was to write a chapter from another character’s perspective n i chose moira

NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — skellig. fuck off with ur asprin ugly bat man i don’t care. also of mice and men. don’t care about the rabbits or curley’s goddamn wife.

WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? — im not a big binger bc i find it jst makes me depressed if i watch tv all day but im nearly finished stranger things season 3 n i recently finished euphoria (big rec but proceed w caution as quite triggering content)

FAVOURITE QUOTE — cool girl speech from gone girl. but also “there’s something dangerous about the boredom of teenage girls” i know its like.... such an overused quote but it really encapsulates this kind of feral girlhood that a few of my characters like bridget n greta have tapped into. i also loved the line “i feel like i could eat the world raw” from song of achilles, that really captures this kind of.... pure n childlike enthusiasm tht i wanna achieve w rory 

LINK TO A VINE THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — this is my energy completely am always covered in glitter n staring broodily out of the windows of ubers at 4am like im in the sad bit of an indie film 

DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — uhh.... not as much as i shd.... i want to be a writer so i shd be makin some effort to get my stuff Out Into The World but im just not.... lol. ive done a lot of poetry collections . i wnt to finish a novel @ some point too.

THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL TRUST — bold of you to assume i trust any youtubers

A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — id literally die for saoirse ronan n timothee chalamet :/ chance perdomo also owns my ass. 

EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — i once high-fived dani harmer, the actress who played tracy beaker. today my sister text me tryin to make me guess what celebrity she just saw on holiday in wales and for ages she let me think it was timmothee but it was actually bradley walsh from the chase :/

WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — i am in a bomb ass crop top and mini skirt, several scrunchies in my hair, glitter all over my face, wearing cowboy boots. we eat dinner in a trendy but affordable pub that doubles up as a cocktail bar n then we drink zombies or sex on the beaches n go to a rave where everyone is on the same wavelength n i share drugs with girls in the toilets and we swap numbers knowing we will never text each other but its ok bc in that moment we feel like we are soulmates and everyone is super drunk n touching everyone else n its all very visceral and we walk through the woods when the rave ends and lie in the grass because we wish to suck out all the marrow of life 

A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — princess diana was murdered 

ARE ALIENS REAL? — maybe the real aliens are the friends we made along the way

PLAY ANY PHONE GAMES? WHICH ONES? — love island game im addicted and way too invested in my fictional relationship with bobby, a cartoon

WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — bold of u to assume i remember my childhood. but if we’re talking last 10 years angust, thongs n perfect snogging is so so cringe 

DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — pairs of glasses belonging to other ppl when they break / get new ones even though i can see perfectly well. 

WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — mythology...... always a craving and a wish i’d read like ancient texts but my school wasn’t good enough to do greek or latin or any of that shit n even tho i could read english translations i cant be bothered. also criminal psychology

THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — italian, french and latin

MOVIE YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN 5 TIMES — ladybird, about time, angus thongs, shrek 2, what we do in the shadows, the history boys, atonement, coraline, the breakfast club, ferris bueller’s day off

NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — cecilia lisbon. rue in euphoria. alison brie in glow. adam parrish in the raven cycle. richard papen. olivia cooke’s character in thoroughbreds. allen ginsberg in kill your darlings. lily in sex education. holliday grainger’s character in the film animals --- i too am an aspiring writer who never writes and just gets drunk instead .

DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — no. cba

HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — i go to the movies basically every day bcos i work in a cinema. im also a voracious reader n i occasionally do theatre or costume making

PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — where the wild things are (film by spike jonze).  animals. beats. the book fen by daisy johnson and a girl is a half formed thing by eimar mcbride. andy warhol’s biography from a to b and back again

WHOSE BRAIN WOULD YOU LIKE TO PICK, ALIVE OR DEAD? — phoebe waller-bridge on how i get her life. carey mulligan on how she got to be such a good actress n how i can become her. maybs wes anderson. maybs gillian flynn. i tend to listen to podcasts w the ppl i really wanna pick the brains of.

TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? — edward :/

LAST MOVIE SEEN IN THEATRE — blinded by the light n i lovd it

DO YOU STILL READ? — when i finished uni i kinda got out of the habit but this week i finished two books so ive set myself the challenge of a book a week.

IF SO, WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? — i finished song of achilles yesterday n i also finished call me by your name yesterday. started circe by madeline miller today, im also partway through milkman by anna burns and the plays of annie barker

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – 3 i didnt hate it bcos at heart i am self-indulgent and love fashioning some sense of self when i feel lost in a world that is scary and constantly changing 

[hazelcephalopod]

Random ramble

(Go to “the point” if this is too long for you).

So more personal than I like to get but I grew up Christian, right? Conservative, evangelical, etc. My experience growing up included a lot of sheltering to, protect “my innocence”. Boiled to: “don’t put bad thoughts in your brain.” But mainly meaning that I should be taught from a Christian point of view, and protected from “sin”. This continued to well into my teens, though did change a bit over time but was always about that sheltering. I never really understood what I was being protected from, but it seemed to include, disbelief in evolution, “devoting myself to Jesus”, and tbh the one I remember the most: “purity” -one of many extensions of innocence. This would be the sexual type of purity, which I will surmise like this: “oh don’t look at the sex, or know about it, or the gay. Especially not the gay, that means happy BTW.” Additionally I was strongly encouraged to “wait until marriage”, thankfully it was never framed as I’d go to hell if I didn’t -which is something, not much, but something. Also yea the passive homophobia, because “hate the sin not the sinner” oh boy.

I understood this to mean: be ignorant and judgy. At least in practice that’s how it felt -and feels  However, only one of my parents cared, and I was a voracious reader. Which meant that I read so much that it was almost impossible to regulate the books I’d read[1]. Further, I (an autistic with ADD) would get bored when I had to sit through sermon so… I read the Bible. Whatever version. Kids illustrated, King James, others. It was right there in the pew, and how can you tell a child not to read the Bible? You want to indoctrinate[2] them proper, knowing scripture is good for that. Right?

Now here’s the thing, the Bible? The Bible has murder, incest, rape, etc. That’s just in Genesis -the first chapter. Child me decided that the Bible, like any book should be read from the beginning -after playing the drop and read method for a few weeks. So, I read the beginning, including all of the story of Lot. Lot is a guy who lived in Sodom, with his wife and two daughters. Some angels come visit and… events occur which anger God. So God decides to destroy Sodom, but let’s Lot go because, reasons. So Lot takes his family and they flee, except his wife looks back and she turns into salt. After some time living in a cave, Lot’s daughters decide they want babies. But, well, they don’t know any men. I’m going to allow you to guess what terrible decisions they make, and end the story there[3].

My point, after that long tangent, is: how strange the concept of protecting my innocence is, to me, when there are many disturbing stories in the holy book I was encouraged to read. Ones that in any other context were viewed at the very least with disdain. Horror? Sci fi? LOTR[4]? Strange, possibly corrupting, forbidden.

The point. Aka synopsis?

What was my innocence? My innocence was an idea, created so that I might be molded and shaped into a certain type of person, with a certain world view. My innocence was about control and power. My innocence less about me and more about the feeling and desires of others.

[brown4eyedgirl]

On finding community in books

He rolled over and brushed my face with his hand. My husband and I have these moments after our long days. Together, in the quiet, away from the chaos of our separate work places, when I've put my computer, note books, and reading aside, it's just us.

After nearly five years of longing for a husband who would read in bed, I looked over and there he was lost in, another book. He’s now reading almost as voraciously as me.

“You have to get rid of some of the bad books,” he said softly, as if he hoped it would come off as pillow talk but instead it was a request to purge my book collection.

Before his fingers grazed my cheek, they were thumbing the spines and covers that line the shelves in my office. Some are beautiful books. Inspiring books. Books you want to go back to and read over and over until the pages are worn thin from fingers clutching them. Some are research books. Highlighted with post-it notes hanging out. And yes, some are bad books. But getting rid of them, recycling them, feels like an act of blasphemy or treason. I’m a writer and a library worker. Books are treasured, sacred, beloved, and my husband wanted some of them gone.

 “I’m a writer. I need to support other writers,” I tell him with every purchase of a new book. The thing is, it’s not just the authors of the titles that line my bookshelves that I’m supporting, it’s myself as a writer that I’m supporting.

                                                           ***

When I fall in love with an author’s work, I start finding and reading as many books, essays and articles by them as possible. This happened after I first read Rebecca Solnit’s Men Explain Things to Me. After Googling and reading for hours, I stumbled upon a list of tips she wrote for writers. Number 3 is “Read. And don’t Read.” The first time I read that, my heart sang. I put so much pressure on myself to sit with my fingers on my keyboard watching the word count on the piece I was working on climb. The pressure sat heavy on me, and if I couldn’t come up with anything to write, guilt would set in. Knowing that reading could be part of my writing practice liberated me. I’d always found inspiration in the pages of the books I bought and checked out from the Library, and now one my favorite writers had given me permission to get lost in books to keep my writing afloat.

Writing as a creative pursuit is immensely isolating. Before anyone gets up, I’m awake. I steal away a few hours in the morning, before I get ready for work, to write. In these hours I lose myself to my thoughts, to my frustrations, to my insecurities. Creating, for artists both literary and visual, means getting tangled in some of the deepest and darkest parts of ourselves in hopes that what we create will leap out and grab those who find it. One of the ways I cope with the torment that occasionally comes with writing is sighing. These deep exhales attract my husband’s attention from other parts of the house. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“That was a big sigh to be nothing.”

“I’m just tired.”

Tired of thinking of what to write. Tired of relying on my brain to think up new words for the ones I repeat too often. Tired of worrying about structure, voice, character development, themes. Tired of waking up at 5:50 am so that hopefully I’ll get 2 good hours of writing in before I must shift gears, do my hair, put on work clothes and turn in to the teen services coordinator at our community’s public library. This level of exhaustion causes me to feel depleted some days. I wake up, my brain barely recognizing my alarm, and drape myself over the kitchen counter as I wait for the kettle to boil so that I can make coffee that will hopefully provide just enough stimulus to help me write again. “But maybe, when writing feels like scraping your insides clean before you have a chance to replenish yourself, it’s okay not to set a word count goal in your off hours,” Alicia Elliott wrote her piece “On Burnout.” But how does a writer fill the well again without losing momentum? This is the fear I wake to every morning I decide to take a day off because the thought of stringing together coherent words makes me want to run into the woods and leave the world behind. What if when I sit down at my computer again, I can’t write? The words don’t come, and I can’t think of a beautiful scene to describe the time that my ex and I went snowshoeing to hot springs. My deepest fear is that my book goes unfinished because I simply couldn’t think of any more words to write. I worry about failing myself. This happens at least once every two months, and then I crumble. I wander the house, my work place, listless with a sullen look heavy on my face. Eventually I remember there is a place to go refuel and to gain the will to write again. I surround myself with writers, friends who’ve chosen the same life of torture and anguish, a community of writers that exists online, but most importantly the writers whose books have inspired me before.

                                                         ***

“I need a good book,” a member of the public said to me. I live for this question. I love recommending books.

“What do you like?” Every time I ask a library patron this question, I hope they’ll answer with nonfiction, as this is what I write, and most often read.

Our library is not full of dark wood and tall shelves stuffed with leather bound books. It’s a new space part with modern metal shelving, flooded with natural light. We don’t often shush people, and instead spend more time reminding those who expect total silence that this is a community space. Songs from story time will often reach the service desk and during a summer classical music academy, musicians use the meeting rooms to practice which causes flute, oboe and clarinet to seep into the nonfiction, mystery and DVD sections. An espresso grinder is heard at the public computers as the social enterprise coffee shop in the library prepares another latte for a student there to study for exams. This is the reality of our small-town library, we are more than just books. But when a moment to gush about a title I love comes, I take it wholeheartedly and will get caught up trying to find a reader a book they’ll love.

A favorite I regularly reach for, that sits on the library’s staff picks shelf with the handwritten sticker “Megan’s Pick” on it is Kyo Maclear’s Birds Art Life. At the other end of the library, in the children’s section, more of Maclear’s books sit on display selected as staff favorites.

There is a chapter in Birds Art Life on creative lulls. I’ve talked about this chapter to people who’ve heard me talk about it too many times. I’ve photocopied parts of it and read it aloud to a group of teen writers I work with at the library. I’ve shoved it into my husband’s hands when he’s wondered what to do with his life. “A lull can be soothing, tranquilizing and even restorative… Yet for many artists I know, the word lull signifies the exact opposite: the absence, the flaw, the incompleteness, something lethal and dangerous, a source of fear and melancholia.” The first time I read this chapter it was like Maclear had written it for me. She knew me, my struggles as a creative person, the trouble I had some days with self-discipline, the way sometimes what would start as “research” would devolve into online shopping. But it wasn’t just that she knew, she understood.

Looking at the shelves of books in my office and living room I find comfort. Kyo Maclear is joined by Sylvia Plath, Roxane Gay, Rebecca Solnit, Caitlin Moran, Nick Hornby, Margaret Atwood, Vivek Shraya, Chimimanda Ngozi Adichi, Charlotte Gill, Ian Brown, Tanya Talaga and many more. Just glancing at the spines of these books, and the ones I walk past as I move through the library during my work day remind me that I’m not alone. There are others like me who have struggled with themselves, and the world to share their work and their words with the world. While I sit alone in my office, with my computer and my thoughts, I’m part of a community and a history that’s bigger than just me, and the books I sit with daily connect me to all the writers I know, love and am inspired by.

[iamjjmmma]

“Number All my Bones: There and Back and There Again” Part 2 Chapter 3

Beginning: https://bit.ly/2NtGPgu

Previous: https://bit.ly/2TgVv7N

Next: https://bit.ly/2H4w7fh

I heard her yell, but she kept it muffled. At first, she stared up at me, looking as if I was going to all but pound her into the Earth’s core, but she did the one thing that I most certainly would not do if I was in her position… she closed her eyes. Although she hadn’t gone unconscious… her legs were still jerking, her arms still struggling to pull mine off of her… her eyes were closed. I knew then that it was resignation, that it was something more than primal, something that was much, much more different than her firing that gun at my son until his hoodie started to smoke. But then I heard the others yell. Their voices overlapped against each other, some of the more voracious ones letting out a few expletives, but more than that, even more than that, I noticed there was one person who was silent. Silent even as Papyrus yanked me off of her, silent even as the last trickle of blood went down her nose before she pinched it. Asriel. It was Asriel, of all people, who hadn’t joined me. My breath stopped on its way out before Papyrus fled to her, put a hand to her nose to repair what must have been at least a deviated septum. In a few seconds, I heard her stop breathing from her mouth, and a part of me that was colossal back then wished that that meant she’d stopped breathing entirely. But she’d stood up. And blow me down if Papyrus wasn’t a mind-reader, because as soon as I thought that wish, he hoisted up Jessica and sat her down in the chair next to me. I tried taking at least one look at her, but she’d already turned herself away, hiding the majority of her face with a handkerchief. “We need to talk.” I was more than glad to. After all, Asgore had seemed happy to migrate to the other side of the kitchen, as if what I’d done had spread some sort of awful, toxic gas. But something inside of me fought off the cloud, if only for a second or two. I don’t know what started it, either. Maybe it was the sight of Jessica’s hair, all tattered and tousled like a broom’s bristles after being dragged through the snow one too many times. Maybe it was the sound I Papyrus made that I knew was utter disappointment when he sat down, somewhere between a sigh and a grunt. But whatever it was, something inside of me fought off the cloud. And the same thing that had fought off that cloud made me stare down at my hands and wonder for the second what the hel I was doing, what the hel I had done. “Papyrus, thank God you’re out. But you should’ve let me-” What was I saying? This was a human. But after a few seconds, it only took the sight of the gun still tucked into her dress to I didn’t let the flames of my lizard brain get out and transform themselves into words entirely, but I could still hear Jessica in the corner, taking one short heave as if she had something awful in her chest. “No. If I did, you would’ve hurt her even more than what you already did.” What you already did. The cloud came back in full force, and he must have seen me slump just a little in my seat. “You and I felt it, Papyrus.” “Felt what?” Now I’d done it. I’d steered myself directly where I didn’t want to go in the first place. For the second time, I’d have to explain myself, which just about made me so uncomfortable in my seat that I had to sit up to keep it off of my mind. “If this itch hadn’t been there, he’d still be alive.” I’d said it. I’d said it, and Jessica didn’t move, which in all sorts of ways was more startling than if she did move. Papyrus relinquished a slouch he’d been keeping to himself this entire time, and as he reared himself up to his full height, I realized I’d forgotten that he was, in fact, six foot two, his late brother only up to his shoulder the last time I saw him. He stood up, and it was as if my son gave me his shortness as a parting gift. I felt everything in me stop, rear up, yet everything inside of me also remind me that this was also my son. That despite it all, I was still a father. “Don’t call her that.” He sat down, and the shortness came to me even more. Before I knew it, I found myself slouching down to the point of my lower back starting to hurt, not wanting to come back up again. At least Jessica didn’t look to witness this type of humiliation. “Hurting her won’t bring him back, or anyone back. And she’s here to help.” I nodded. I knew this, knew all of this. If an Anti-Monster Department member showed up at my house without any sort of preamble, then I would be even more furious than I was. And perhaps Jessica wouldn’t  have lived as long as she did if she showed up to the door in her same, tiring, bureaucratic way. She showed up with her hand on her arm as if it was throbbing, looking straight towards the ground, crying, crying. I knew she was in the way that she shook, in the way that she sounded like she was laughing. If an Anti-Monster Department member showed up at our house crying, then they were here to at least tell me some news that would be remotely helpful before I could send them out again. Papyrus tucked his head over his shoulder, called out for Alphys. She didn’t come until a minute later, and I wasted my time a little, asking Jessica what happened with Sans and how before she tucked her own head inside her shoulder. Alphys sighed, tucked her lab coat off to the side. “Alright, guys,” she began. “So… about Betty. Let’s start with what we know about her. Then we can talk about trying to put a stop to her. We know the police won’t help us… Undyne especially knows… so we’ve gotta take this on ourselves.” Always Alphys. Always the scientific one. Always the ambitious one. If I wasn’t inundated with emotions, I probably would have taken her place, although who am I to say that? I can’t relive any of this, and I most certainly don’t want to relive any of this. “Gaster, can you go first?” “She’s an asshole.” Even Papyrus had to chuckle at that, and I felt the entire room swell in some sort of ripple that resembled what it was like before today. But too fast, too fast the ripple died down, and we all settled down into our own little clouds, into our own little thunderstorms. “Hehe...alright, w-we know that. I mean as far as facts?” “She has a pink SOUL, this much I know from research. As well as that pink SOUL representing fear.” After “fear”, I found that I couldn’t say anything more. “Th-that’s an excellent start.” After tugging on her lab coat once, she shuffled through a hodgepodge of papers, muttering to herself as she went through each one. So we talked, and we talked, and although I do contribute a few short sentences, I still felt as if I was drifting through a dream world I can’t quite discern as real yet. There were some things to me that echoed as real, such as the genuine wink Alphys gave Undyne when she used the word “pummel” to describe what we were going to do with Betty instead of “strategically eliminate.” But other things, things such as the blow of the furnace, the trail of dust that still lingered on my bookshelf, that weren’t real to me. That were too real to be real to me, if anyone can believe that. They’re too real to be tangible, and all of the things that made them palatable are null. They’re all null. Null. Null. Null! Now my thoughts started to combine the way they should. The Core… it had an emergency room that the university had built for “security purposes.” I had originally planned it to be equipped with a nullifier one could use in case of an overflow of the magic in the geothermal plant, but based on some of the monsters that came home weak from that building, I think the university had some more xenophobic plans with it. That thing could eliminate any sort of magic, used by any human or monster. If it could do that, could it even destroy them? “The nullifier room.” As if a rubber band had snapped, everyone stared at me. Jessica took a little while longer at first, but then her head finally raised from the crook of her arm. She stirred at something in her pocket, and I instinctively turned over to her in worry that the object in her pocket should be gun-shaped, but I couldn’t find anything amiss. “W-what do you mean?” “The nullifier room.” I explained everything about it, but also explained some of the confounding variables. Such as the need for the machine to warm up about a half an hour before it activated, the need for emergency transport… yes, yes, my thoughts were starting to come together. Everything was perfect. Everything was in place. I caught a glance of the telescope in his room, the door cracked open the slightest. No, it wasn’t. Everything wasn’t in place. But a few things fell into place. In an hour, we were all getting suited up, sounds of zippers and shifting plastic helmets hovering around my ears. Asgore was wishing the rest of us good luck, although resentment from a long, long time ago kept him from patting me on the back the way he did everyone else. Undyne was waving goodbye to us, having been told that Betty was unleashing some sort of plan against the cit, although no one knew quite what it was yet. The last thing we packed in the bags was two teleportation devices… one for Alphys and one for Jessica. Undyne would have packed the third one, but with a nod, she said that I was a “pretty capable monster for an egghead.” As I was strapping on my boots, one part of me wondering if I could still bring Papyrus with me while the other part knowing it would be foolish, and besides, he’d be better off without Jessica, she still came, speak of the devil. I barely heard the words come out. “I freed him, Gaster.” “What did you say?” “I freed him.” So she freed him. Hours and hours of research, more hours of frantically calling law enforcements, even some of the reasons why my son went to those cameras in the first place… none of those freed him. She did. When nothing else did, none of my scientific efforts did, she did. As we left the house, I was tall enough to knock her over, but I brushed myself to the side.

[televinita]

Library Triage

Speaking of my incompetence, I managed to accidentally check out an avalanche of super-awesome-looking/hotly anticipated books with fairly restrictive deadlines toward the beginning of a 10-day hell period at work where I had no time to start them. I am almost out of it now, but they are basically all due by or before the end of June and my brain is spinning out trying to fathom how I am going to organize my reading schedule without rushing and ruining the books for myself, SO, time for project Talk It Out Concretely!

(or. you know. even more ramblingly than usual)

Starting with an achievement: Last night I finally had time to finish Fanny Fran Davis’ Everything Must Go, an absolutely delightful romp which was on its final renewal and only a week away from being due. Prior to that I was working on it in 15-minute breaks at work and 1+ minute stoplights on the commute to work. (seriously. thumbs up to its format.)

SO, HIGH ON THAT:

1. A & L Do Summer - Jan Blazanin: This is a book that Goodreads has been recommending to me for 5 years. I always thought it looked cute, but maybe not substantial, so I kept putting it off because it required an ILL request. But next week’s Top Ten Tuesday prompt is “books to read by the beach,” and I saw this on my recs list again and went, “You know what? This is exactly that kind of book. This is exactly the right time of year to finally read it. I want juvenile cuteness that lets me vicariously be 15 (17 apparently?) again with months of freedom ahead to enjoy in a rural Midwest setting.” I’m struggling with whether to read this or the next book first, but I think this one will go quicker. Due 7/2, like the next two. 

[edit: I waited until the day before it was due, for some reason, but it was everything I wanted it to be!]

2. Like Mandarin - Kirsten Hubbard. Another book GR has been recommending to me for 5 years, another one that needed an ILL request. I figured I’d send away for them both together because of sort of similar themes in girl-bonding and rural locales, though this looks much more serious. It’s  always caught my eye; there’s just something about the "young high schooler latches onto/idolizes Cool Senior High Schooler" concept that appeals to me -- oh, and only JUST NOW did I realize it's by the same author as my beloved Wanderlove! Definitely loving it now. Definitely.

[edit: accurate]

3. Heart-Shaped Hack - Tracey Garvis-Graves: After rereading The Island for the first time in 6 years and remembering how much I loved that romance/had anticipated more work from her, I saw this and immediately went, “I could cast Waige in this.” I am coming to the conclusion that this is untrue, because Mr. Hacker is turning out to be way too cocky for any character I’ve ever liked, but if I re-calibrate my expectations for what is actually being offered, I still feel like I will love this. And if that’s the case...there is a sequel. (which unfortunately would have to come rather far down on this list)

[edit: really should have waited for the sequel in hand! I think it will be better; this was good but rather more, uh, adult-romance-y than I expected so I’d like to at least see them in a higher stakes plot]

4. Going Geek - Charlotte Huang: technically due first, on 6/23 and it’s an ILL so getting it back is tough. BUT I am less interested in it than any of the 3 above, so if I don’t through at least 2 of them first, I’ll let this one go with no remorse. I only requested it because it seemed similar to Life in Outer Space, but that one was wholly satisfying on its own. This does look like a solid YA novel, but it doesn’t have a special hook, and I am up to my ears in Hook Books.

[edit: I made time! Glad I did; it was better than I expected it to be]

5. The Broken Girls - Simone St. James: Not a specific craving right now, but I have been on a wait list since it was released and mentally waiting since November because I love a good thriller with a mystery from the past & an abandoned building -- and then I forgot to suspend my hold and it came in before I was ready. Also due 6/23, and still hotly requested. I am probably gonna lose my shot to read this on time and have to wait another 4-6 weeks, but at least it’s in my home system.

[edit: I made time! Barely took me 10 pages to get addicted; SO WORTH IT.]

6. Learning to Stay - Erin Celello: This popped when I was looking for novels with brain-damaged spouses. I was looking for Waige-related reasons, and with the veteran angle this isn’t going to work for them, but its premise is irresistible to me and I have a suspicion who it’s perfect for: Barbie/Julia (with begrudging thanks for season 3 of Under the Dome for actively showing me what it could look like). Not due until July 8 and will probably delay it until after #7, actually, because I’m having trouble focusing on other ships right now, even ones I adore.

[edit: well done, though I couldn’t keep my characters straight because there was an annoying lot to match up with my original pick, so I kept unintentionally running everything twice.]

7. Shine Shine Shine - Lydia Netzer: All right, full disclosure -- this one is my final, brightest and best attempt to find Walter/Paige (complete with a Ralph!) in a novel. I am setting myself up to fail, in part because the premise includes the idea that the central female character is kind of off in her own way. But like. How else* was I supposed to react to “genius engineer husband whose wife has 'taught him to feel -- helped him translate his intelligence for numbers into a language of emotion‘ + autistic son”???

(*alternate option for how else: I’ve got Happy in my back pocket: As children, the temperamental Sunny and the neglected savant Maxon found an unlikely friendship no one else could understand. Even the ironic name fits!)

This one just got here and I’ll pick it up in a few days. It’s a home system request, but we only have one copy and I already had to wrestle it away from someone who kept it 2 days overdue* so we might tussle again. (*you might be asking yourself why I did that, given the state of this post. I don’t know either. I was in a feverish delirium of reading desire by that point and every book I found online looked more imperative to get immediately than the last, but I was stuck waiting for all of them).

[edit: it was beautiful and I have so many favorite quotes and I cried a lot and it was worth it even if only one character lined up well; the pair won my heart on their own merit.]

8. 45 Pounds (More or Less) - K.A. Barson: a cute YA novel about an overweight girl trying (or at least being pestered by her mother) to lose weight. I’ve been saving it for motivation for when I actually attempt to exercise / not eat like crap this summer. This, like the remaining books, has essentially no due date since no one is likely to request them out from under me even once I return them.

[edit: tossed back unread for the time being. too many shiny new things appeared.]

9. Voracious: a hungry reader cooks her way through great books - Cara Nicoletti: this is either going to help the above plan or hurt it, but it’s such a great premise, especially as someone who once considered starting a side blog devoted to highlighting passages in books that describe great meals. I am not actually sure if I will finish it at all. But I’d like to try. 

[edit: see above.]

10. Shelf Discovery: The Teen Classics We Never Stopped Reading: this book was mentioned in a review for one of the lesser-known books in it; I forget which one, but it intrigued me because there are TONS of titles in here that aren’t usually mentioned in online lists like this, and I love when people talk about books I have actually loved instead of pretending that Catcher in the Rye and The Perks of Being a Wallflower are the best examples of universal YA literature we can find.

(What’s most likely going to happen is I’m going to read 3 chapters and then wig out about how many I haven’t read and put it back until I have, so I can enjoy the comparisons in our reactions instead of being unduly influenced, but... )

11. Sixteen: short stories by outstanding writers for young adults: Absolutely lowest priority, probably will never get to it, but if I had no other reading responsibilities right now? I would be reading it now. I spotted this when I went to pick up the above, and I don’t even usually like short stories, but this is a compilation of outstanding writers for young adults IN THE 1980S.  And there is a very specific style to young adult books from the 1980s that sometimes, I just absolutely crave. Let me give you more of its description: Stories dealing with teenage concerns, written especially for this collection by well-known authors of young adult novels such as the Mazers [that would be Harry and Norma Fox], M.E. Kerr, Robert Cormier, Bette Greene, and Richard Peck. Biographical sketches for each author are included, as well as follow-up activities for the reader. Me, gesticulating wildly at basically all these names: I KNOW THEM! (as authors, I mean. Once upon a time the library’s teen section was full of their work and I devoured it as voraciously as the newer stuff)

[edit: it was short, so I read it and am glad I did.]

========

AND AS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED: THERE ARE STILL MORE I WANT, but I can’t think about them right now.

[teresatranbooks]

Dear Blog,

Prompt: In this week's blog post, please think carefully and critically about the ideas raised by Kittle. What does she share that complicates or challenges your thinking about teaching with YA literature - or supporting independent readers in your classroom work? Are you coming from a similar or different position when it comes to your own plans for your classroom? Does she complement Beuhler or are these totally different voices? Or, in other words, tell us about YOUR developing YA pedagogy (which will absolutely continue to evolve throughout our work and study together).

What does she share that complicates or challenges your thinking about teaching with YA literature -- or supporting independent readers in your classroom work? 

In Chapter 2, “Understanding Readers and Reading,” Kittle argues that in order to improve reading, “students must practice reading skills in a text better matched to their ability and then continue to encounter more challenging texts as they increase volume and stamina” (15). Kittle describes how the rise of social media has led many folks, especially young students, to find more value in reading texts that are succinct in language and efficiency. In other words, the shorter and more punch-y the text, the faster it is consumed and better it is liked. Therefore, when students are presented with a longer, more complex text containing purple prose, inaccessible vocabulary, and a slower plot than they’re used to, they become frustrated with their inability to understand, and their motivation to read diminishes. These facts require teachers to approach each student with not the expectation that they’re at the same reading level as their current grade or higher, but with patience and empathy as they work with their student to build their capacity -- or stamina --  as an independent reader in texts they can understand, rather than forcing them to read books that are both hard and uninteresting in order to meet a curriculum requirement or a state standard. As Kittle suggests, “we teach students first, then curriculum. It is not going to be easy to lead all our students to literature. But we can’t give up, either” (15). 

I’m going to tell you a secret. Well, more like a hidden shame. For some time now, I haven’t called myself a reader. In other words, I no longer identify as a reader, which is sad, because ever since elementary school, I’ve consumed books. I used to consider myself a voracious reader. In fact, I would read several books a day! It helped that my elementary school had a reading challenge program, where students would win prizes if they read a certain number of books per month. While I initially used my school’s reading challenge program as motivation to read, I eventually began to read books outside of the program’s lists, and out of my own volition, without a reading program to push me to read more and more books. Over time, my reading stamina grew and when I got to middle school, where there was no such thing as a reading challenge program, I was going to the media center practically everyday to check out a new book. I became a certified bookworm. My self identity and confidence became nearly inseparable from my ability to read books as a fast and passionate reader. 

But when I got to high school, everything changed. The first two years were fine! I was sneaking around teachers, trying to read my books underneath my desks, hoping they wouldn’t see. I couldn’t tell you how many times teachers would take my books and put them on their desks or in the front of the classroom, scolding me for not paying attention to the lesson. It was one of the few times when teachers would tell me to not read so much. This was what I meant in my previous blog post by “stealing time” to read books, by the way. I was that kind of reader. When I entered the 11th grade, I started to have less time to read books as I took on more AP classes. Normally I’d make time to read, but even when I did, I began to have less and less motivation to read books for fun, because I was either so exhausted from all the homework I had just completed, or I was too busy reading other, more academic texts for my classes. I also developed depression and anxiety from both the circumstances in my school and home life, and as a consequence, I no longer found books as a source of pleasure and escape. I was too mentally and emotionally drained to enjoy a book, because my mind was either racing or unable to focus on a few sentences at a time without itching for my phone or to go to sleep. Because I was preoccupied with just surviving, over time, I had lost the strength and will to read for pleasure. And it has only gotten worse in college. 

I tell this story to provide some context for what I am about to say now. Before reading Kittle, I had believed that my ever increasing inability to read and finish a book was my fault. More importantly, I had believed that I could never overcome this obstacle of reading, and that I had lost the ability to read books for fun for good, because I knew I was going to be chronically depressed and anxious for good. But after I read Kittle, I realized I wasn’t the alone in my experience. There were so many other students out there who experienced the exact same thing and felt the same exact way as I did, as evidently pointed out in Kittle’s articles. It made me wonder if a part of the reason so many students feel this way is because our current public education system fails them and creates circumstances that don’t encourage students to read and also crushes them with so much work at an early age, where they’re told their value is tied to their labor, thus they feel the ever growing pressure to succeed in a white capitalistic society, that they eventually become overly perfectionistic which causes their depression and anxiety, all because they cannot perform to what our society deems is the standard........ANYWAYS. 

In addition, Kittle articulated in words how my supposed “reading deficiency” wasn’t really a deficiency, but rather a result of a set of circumstances that has created a new form of reader in me. While I find it hard to read the kind of books I used to read as a middle and high schooler, and at the same pace, I am still a reader. With the help of teachers, if I bide my time and steadily seek out pleasure in reading something, anything, before I push for a longer, more difficult text, I can begin to rebuild that strength...that stamina...for reading again. Before reading Kittle, I had never viewed reading through the lens of stamina before -- and this perspective really challenged me to view reading, as both a student and future educator, as something I can always rebuild and retrain myself to do again. It’s like a muscle...or a skill...you always have to keep working on it in order to maintain it. As Kittle asserts, “when skills and pleasure align, students begin to choose more difficult texts to read independently” (Kittle 14). When students and teachers work together, both will find fulfillment in both the reading of books and the teaching of reading. But both will have to understand that it is process and a slow building of blocks, rather than a race, to become the kind of a reader you want to be.

This was a really long answer for one question. My b.

Are you coming from a similar or different position when it comes to your own plans for your classroom?

In Chapter 3, “Building Stamina and Fluency,” Kittle argues that “it isn’t enough to encourage kids to read outside class and expect somehow that it will happen. But it is also not enough to have kids read one easy junk title after another” (33). I agree with this point of view. I believe that in order for students to progress in their ability to read, they have to have time to read for pleasure and for fun in the classroom in order to develop the will to read -- and to have those books they read challenge in them in different, not necessarily linear ways in order to build the skills to read. In my classroom, I want to set a time at the beginning of the year where students can curate a list of books they will read for fun, (much like this YAL class), and then at the beginning of each class period, for 10 to 12 minutes, they will have time to read the books they had chosen and engage in discussions with their peers about them. More specifically, I want to help students create their personal reading list and make sure they have variety and a diverse set of complexity that will build them as readers over time, as well as create a unit where them reading these books for fun and a challenge serve a larger purpose (not grading them though), but for the purpose of growing as learners and complex thinkers.

Finally, as Kittle also states, “it’s all about balance” (34). Students are like us, humans who sometimes just want to take a break after a serious, long day of learning and tune into something or scroll through their phone where they don’t have to think too hard. I do this all the time! Social media is so addicting! My brain just wants to rest! But, if I want to become a lifelong, satisfied reader, and if as teachers, we want our students to become lifelong, satisfied readers, we have to create “a balance between the careful study of complex texts and time to pursue personal passions in books of choice for pure pleasure” (Kittle 34). And the key is “we have to teach both” (Kittle 34).

Does she complement Beuhler or are these totally different voices? 

I definitely think Kittle complements Beuhler, Beuhler states in his chapter that students must be given a balanced reading diet. They need room (specifically time and space) to discover new books written by people who aren’t dead old white dudes. Similarly, in Chapter 4: “Opening Doors into Reading,” Kittle argues that in a yearlong English class, “we need to create a balance between (1) studying literature (whole texts), (2) reading shorter mentor texts (in all genres) to understand the writer’s craft and create a vision for what we ourselves will write, and (3) developing an independent reading life” (52). While Beuhler is specifically arguing for the case of YA literature and how a diverse set of YAL books will create a balanced reading palette, Kittle is using the same terms to also argue for a balanced reading palette in regards to a yearlong breakdown of different forms of texts to engage with. Additionally, Kittle is also arguing that when building a classroom library, there needs to be a balance of complex diverse genres that will intrigue different types of readers looking for different forms of reading fulfillment. It’s practically the same philosophy Beuhler preaches in his chapter! Beuhler also advocates for meeting students where they are and creating the conditions for students to become lifelong readers. Beuhler and Kittle are operating on the same wavelength!

Or, in other words, tell us about YOUR developing YA pedagogy?

I honestly think my developing YA pedagogy is to line my shelves with diverse, interesting YA books, with an emphasis on own-voices books written by BIPOC authors and developing a conversational relationship with my students filled with trust “where I meet them where they are, accept where they are, and then put books in their hands that will ignite their own intrinsic motivation to read” (Kittle 35). I also think that if I were honest with my students about my own reading challenges and philosophies, I’d be able to engage with them on how to rebuild their capacity to read, develop their own reading strategies, and making it so that if I grow as a reader, they can grow with me. We’re all on this journey together -- and no one has to be alone. 

[joyfullynervouscreator]

So I was tagged by the lovely @rose-of-the-bright-sea :O Let’s see...

1) How many works in progress do you currently have?  Well... if I tell you, I look so slacky? Idk, I have one original and probably nine(!?) fanfics atm.

2) Do you/would you write fanfiction? Yes, it’s very relaxing :D

3) Do you prefer paper books or ebooks? I live in a tiny space, so most of my paper books are stored at my parents’ place, but I have my trusty(also old) Kindle that I regularly get new ebooks for(Or DL fics off archive, for example)

4) When did you start writing? 
Before I knew that writing my stories down was a Thing, I used to tell myself consecutive coherent stories when I was trying to fall asleep, roughly at a chapter a night - after I was finished with my actual bedtime reading ;)

5) Do you have someone you trust that you share your work with?
 I have tried looking for a beta - especially for my longfic - but so far without luck, so I’ll have to say “limited” no, because I do talk about my work to people online without showing them the drafts and such xD

6) Where is your favorite place to write?
 I have a super comfy ergonomic chair that cost more than I’m willing to think about, and that’s where I do most of my reading, though I’ve also been known to pack up my laptop and migrate to the local library a few times a month.

7) Favorite childhood book?
 Honestly couldn’t say. Probably something written by Tamora Pierce, depending on age, but I know that I’ve borrowed and read at least two thousand books from my local library before the age of 16, so there’d be a lot of ‘favourites’ to remember! Currently I’m rereading Diana Gabaldoni’s Outlander series.

8) Writing for fun or publication?
 Mainly for fun. I write to tell myself stories about my favourite characters; that you lot get to read along is a happy accident on my part and I solely blame a Scotsman known as Azi for my posting fics at all.

9) Pen and paper or computer?
 Computer. However, I keep a pad by my bed because the muse tends to troll me around 4:30 but the story is gone by the time I open my laptop... sigh.

10) Have you ever taken any writing classes?
 Nope. I have, however, taken grammar studies and business writing at university, but other than that I am a voracious reader who developed a knack for writing by seeing it done(done well, or badly, there’s a lesson in both types of writing!)

11) What inspires you to write?
Anything. Often it’s drawings - especially since I started writing on tumblr - or it’s someone talking to me about fangirly things that make me go “Well, I think THIS is what happened....” and sometimes it’s a character appearing in my head and telling me that I have been neglecting them and should rectify it ponto.

As always, I am a terrible tagger, so if you follow me, go ahead and play the game (also, I’d be interested to read your work if I haven’t already!)