#Then is getting angrier and angrier when telling me why it’s correct in a progressively louder voice doesn’t make me instantly get it

[driftingballoons]

Mom: “God why do you give up so easily you can’t expect to be perfect immediately”

well you see mother when I’m not perfect immediately you burst into flames and bite my head off

[genderqueerdykes]

i was asked recently to describe what my experience is as a trans man with visible facial hair who dresses very femme and wears makeup whenever i go out. i thought this was a good question, since i don't think i've ever discussed my experience with this. i know public restrooms are a huge source of stress for a lot of trans people, they're stressful for me at times as well, which is why i try to avoid them when possible.

i will say that i am lucky enough to not have a bad experience using public restrooms. it might be because im rather physically intimidating, having a lot of muscle tissue and not being particularly short, it's hard to say. generally, i use the men's room, even if i'm in a dress or skirt. i don't make eye contact or particularly even look in the direction of other people using the restroom, which i find makes it easier.

looking nervous and making eye contact can, for whatever reason, threaten cisgender people and i'm not sure why. public restrooms are stressful for everyone, not just trans folk. i will use the women's bathroom if the men's bathroom is full, or disgusting, but that happens very rarely. i have also had no issues with using the women's restrooms. even when i lived in Missouri which is a red state, I didn't seem to have issues because I walked in and out with confidence and ignored whoever else was in or around the restroom with me

long hair generally isn't an issue from what I've observed because a lot of men nowadays are wearing their hair long. generally speaking, the voice is one of the most gendered part of us and I have no idea why, but it helps to keep any comments or conversation to an absolute minimum- having no conversations or interactions is ideal. if someone says "excuse me" or something to that effect, nod or shrug or respond with body language instead of verbal language.

i would say utilizing the masks we use for covid is one of your best shots at making the experience a lot less stressful. covering up any potential facial hair, a strong jaw, etc. can help a lot with people minding their own business. this is not to say that if you just mind your business and try to avoid other people that they won't react. but i find the process goes smoother whenever you have something that can obscure part of your face (I'd say even putting your hood up if you have one could help in a pinch).

if someone does decide to cause problems: leave the restroom as quickly as possible. pull out your phone and make it look like you are calling for help (or actually call for help). people who start trying to cause problems generally do not want witnesses. do not confront them or attempt to correct them about your gender. this will only make them angrier. do not let them corner you. slip out from beside them if you have to. do not push or touch them unless they have grabbed, pushed or hit you first.

tell staff of the location you are at that someone is being belligerent in the restrooms- if you don't want to mention it's due to transphobia, you don't have to. but if you feel the location is accepting enough, please do, because that can get you help right away. if you live in an area that's not as progressive, just refer to how violent the person is being and skip the gender talk.

i feel like this isn't super informative, but i hope it helps some folks out there. i know how stressful this can be and it can't be avoided all the time. the best we can do is try to do our best to avoid confrontation altogether, and when it happens, get witnesses and support as quickly as you can. i hate that we have to tell each other these things just to use the bathroom in public. it's asinine. but i hope this helps at least one person

[donnerpartyofone]

I'm so unable to trust myself for so many legitimate reasons that I actually went to a search engine to look up "pitcher" like maybe I've been living a lie for 40 years and nobody thought to correct me. But now I'm having flashbacks to this sort of class/discussion group I was in where one of the instructors was this heavy hitter disrupter-type person who, despite an apparently high level of intelligence and competence in many areas, just would not accept any arguments that AI/algorithms/machine learning ever does anything erroneous. Which is like, patently untrue and one knows this from even the most casual use, and I think it's also a dangerous position to assert that anything you're attached to is "perfect" especially something that the world sees as new and still developing, like why do that to yourself? But inevitably someone brought up what a mess autocorrect is. Like if the machine learning behind your phone keyboard is so unimpeachable why does it force you to use the wrong "they're/their/there" even when it can see the whole grammatical context, why is it capitalizing random words, why is it changing common words to similar-but-different brand names and surnames that you have never heard of in your life, why does it sometimes use a language you don't write in? And this part is human error-based but why is it so anxious to institutionalize typos produced by bad ergonomics? So because this woman said everything AI-related is perfect instead of still growing but basically a net gain, she wound up in this gnarly argument with a student who was just trying to say that all the different phone keyboards she's used have been really frustrating. The instructor vehemently insisted that whenever autocorrect is not technically right, it is still A Perfect Reflection of Our Changing Cultural Values; essentially the "mistake" is based on a completely accurate replication of deliberate human behavior which may not match the old time rules and regulations, but it is still "right" according to the emerging world of the future I guess. And the student kept saying this isn't about colloquial variations in grammar or slang or whatever, the keyboard is just WRONG, sometimes it outputs literal gibberish and I have to manually correct it all the time, I can't even tell what it's thinking about. And the instructor just kept getting angrier and angrier and explaining that the machine is never wrong, it's not even repeating human errors, it is acting in perfect accordance with the evolution of human culture.

This was so fucking crazy to me, like as a scientist or entrepreneur or whatever--someone who is theoretically interested in progress and advancement--how are you supposed to "disrupt" anything if you can't admit that your favorite thing can still improve and is not already in a state of immutable perfection? This is what happens when your special interest turns into a fetish I think, study gets replaced by idolatry and then you can't trust the fetishist to think critically or speak truthfully. Unsurprisingly she also brought up Elon Musk all the time, on a first-name basis, in this combative tone of voice like she could tell that some of us were secretly thinking mean unfair things about him even though nobody dared to voice anything like that for obvious reasons. Anyway according to her the word "pitcher" has become a casualty of the march of progress, so I should probably just stop trying to type it.

Someone please tell my keyboard to stop fucking gaslighting me about the spelling of basic English words, WHAT IS THIS SHIT.

[vivianweasley]

Pride and Prejudice (Chapter 3)

Summary: Your father is Lucius Malfoy’s cousin, and after the war, it was really difficult for you to find a job because of your last name. So your mother and Mrs. Weasley came up with a crazy idea. A fake marriage between you and Fred Weasley. 

In this chapter: There are some terrible gossips about your marriage with Fred in the office, but luckily Fred had an idea to cheer you up.

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Malfoy!Fem!Reader

Warnings: workplace discrimination, gossip, slight mention of dinner

Word count: 2.2k

A/N: So they finally slept on the same bed asdffgjk also special thanks to @valwritesx for the idea of the wedding ring part! I just love this idea so much asdfjgk

disclaimer: all the pictures used in the header are from Pinterest. Credit goes to the original owners.

Please do NOT repost or translate my work on any platform! Thank you! Reblogs and comments are always welcome:)

Pride and Prejudice Masterlist

“What’s this?” You were trying to decide on the clothes you’re going to wear for the first day of work when Fred came home with a little box.

“Proof that I’m a thoughtful person, too,” Fred smiled, “Open it!”

You opened it, and there was a beautiful silver ring lying in the box. A small flower was blooming at the tip of the ring, and inside the flower, there’s a little diamond. It was simple, but exquisite.

When Fred was walking home tonight, a jewelry shop caught his attention. The wedding ring displayed in the shop window reminded him that you two weren’t even wearing a wedding ring to play the part. 

He didn’t want to get you something too luxurious because it was only a fake marriage, and he didn’t want you to feel pressured, but he also didn’t want to get you something too sketchy. And that little flower ring looked perfect. He knew it would look good on your hand.

You gasped when you saw the ring, and Fred raised his left hand to show you the matching ring on his finger, “Now it looks more convincing when you go to work tomorrow.”

You slid the little flower on your ring finger. It was strange having a wedding ring sitting there, but you were also surprised that it fits your finger perfectly as if it was just supposed to be there. A warm feeling spread through your body when you realized that he was also trying to help you and keeping this arrangement in his mind. “This is beautiful! Thank you, Fred!”

“See, I told you I’m a detail-oriented person, too,” Fred boasted. But watching you beaming at him and that wedding ring shinning on your finger, he wasn’t sure if he bought it because he wanted to play his part better or just wanted you to have that wedding ring.

~

Your first day of work went well. Most of the time, you were just thrilled that you finally got a job.

During the lunch break, the girl sitting next to you asked you to join them, and you happily went along. But as the conversation progressed, the topic started to move in a seemingly unavoidable direction.

“So, tell us, cause we’re all dying to know,” one of your colleagues started, “How did you and your husband meet?”

“Our parents are friends, so we met when we were little,” you replied, feeling nervous, even though you were telling the truth.

“Oh, really?” another colleague exclaimed, “Your parents were friends?”

Her reaction and tone stung you as she sounded like she was surprised that your families, the Malfoys and the Weasleys, could possibly be friends. You told yourself that you were too sensitive, that she could simply be surprised that your parents were already friends before you two got married.

But what you heard during lunch break a week later made your stomach sink. 

“I’m still finding it hard to believe that a Weasley would marry a Malfoy. What did he see in her, anyway?” You heard a woman’s voice.

“I bet she probably used amortentia on him.”

Then a man’s voice chimed in, “Oh come on! She’s a Malfoy! They can do better than amortentia. I bet she used an unforgivable curse on him.”

Their conversation ended in their laughter, but it struck you dumb. How blatantly and how easily they just assumed the worst of you only because of your last name. And the worst part was that you began to think maybe part of their accusation was actually correct? You did force Fred into this marriage, after all.

Your brain was clouded by disgust and self-doubt that the rest of the day seemed to be a blur. 

“Y/N? Earth to Y/N?” You and Fred were doing dishes together after dinner. He was cleaning the dishes with detergent, and you were supposed to rinse them. But Fred noticed that you were blanking out again when you didn’t take the plate he just handed to you.

“Yea? Oh, sorry,” you finally took the plate from his hand when his voice pulled you back to reality. 

“Y/N, what’s wrong? You seem off today.”

“Nothing,” you shook your head absent-mindedly, “I’m just thinking that...maybe we could get a divorce earlier.”

“What?” the plates clanked as one slipped from Fred’s hand, “Why?”

“It’s just that...I don’t see the point of faking it anymore. People already know the truth,” you sighed as you felt all of your emotions started pouring out, “No matter what I do, they will always assume the worst of me. So what’s the point? It never looked real, anyway.”

Fred remained silent for a few seconds, but his furrowed brows soon smoothed out as an idea came to him, “Well, then we just have to make it look more realistic!”

~

You went to work tomorrow, still having no idea what Fred was going to do. You were worried that he might do something crazy, but you also had to admit you were feeling rather excited.

The answer finally revealed itself when it’s almost the end of your work. The reception called you, saying that there’s a Mr. Weasley looking for you. 

You walked outside and saw Fred standing at the door, “Surprise, darling! Happy three years anniversary!”

You were confused at first, but you soon got his cue as you ran into his arms and exclaimed, “Merlin, Freddie! I can’t believe it’s already been three years since we started dating!”

“I’m thinking about going to your favorite restaurant tonight after you finish work. What do you say?” He said as he planted a kiss on your forehead. The kiss was so natural, and you knew it was just for show, but your face started heating up immediately.

“I-But I-I still need to finish editing this chapter that I’m working on,” you tried to act natural, but it couldn’t change the fact that a little kiss could leave you this flustered. 

Fred let out a silent laugh when he heard you stutter, “Oh, that’s okay, princess. I can wait in your office! if that’s alright?”

“Okay.” You had a feeling that this show wasn’t over yet, and you were dying to know what exactly did he have in store.

“No! I’m not doing that!” You were so glad now that your desk was in the corner, or else your coworkers would’ve heard Fred’s plan for them. “Fred, no offense, but don’t you think it’s a little bit immature?” The thought of teaching your colleagues a lesson has crossed your mind so many times. But as much as you wanted to just throw a dung bomb on them or turn them into canaries, you still wanted to approach things more maturely. 

“Oh c’mon, like those gits were mature when they made those horrible assumptions about you?”

You could tell from Fred’s tone that he was angry, and it made you feel slightly better knowing that someone actually cared, so you started caving in, “Fine. But why don’t you do it? You’re the pro.”

“Trust me. It would feel so much better if you did it yourself.” Fred could see that you’re still concerned, so he added, “Alright, how about this. For my second wish, I want you to prank those gits yourself.”

Your eyes widened. This was not how you thought he would spend his second wish. “You sure? But why?”

“Because they messed with my wife. That’s why,” he winked at you.

His expression looked playful, but his tone was serious. His words made your heart flutter and also helped you finally make up your mind.

You didn’t know how long you’ve waited to do this as you picked up your wand, pointed it at your target, and whispered, “Rictusempra.” You chose an easy, harmless tickling charm. It was simple, but it’s also embarrassing enough.

Just a few seconds later, you heard people screaming and laughing in the office. The three gossipers started scratching their bodies and jumping up and down like they were three monkeys. The office burst into laughter. 

One of them started yelling, claiming that someone has hexed them. Some people immediately turned to look at Fred since he has a notorious reputation for being a prankster. But Fred was now staring at you all lovingly as you focused on the chapter in front of you. This made the targets angrier because they knew it had something to do with you, but they just couldn’t find proof. 

The clock struck five, and you started packing up your bag unhurriedly. Fred took your bag and your hand, “Let’s go, darling.”

“Let's go, Freddie,” you smiled as you held his hand. You two walked out with your heads held high, leaving the gossipers still jumping around and having no evidence proving that you were behind this. 

When you were on your way home, your heart was still beating fast from the thrill and excitement. 

“It was fun, wasn’t it?” Fred noticed you were still very excited. 

“It was. I wish I could take a picture of their reactions and frame it,” you admitted, “Thank you, Freddie.”

“No need to thank me, love. You were the one who came up with that spell,” Fred smiled, “You are pretty good at this.”

You gasped dramatically as you put your hand on your chest, “Thank you! I’m honored.” 

Watching you laugh, Fred suddenly felt something tugging at his heartstrings. “But seriously, Y/N, are you sure you still want to work in this company?”

You paused for a few seconds, for you didn’t know how to answer this question. “Yea,” you looked down as you sighed, “where else can I go?”

“If you don’t mind, the joke shop is always looking for more staff, and I think you’re a perfect candidate.”

“I appreciate that, Fred, but I want to do this on my own.”

Fred nodded. If this were what you wanted, he’d respect that. He took your hand again. You were surprised how this simple yet intimate gesture became so natural between you two.

“What do you want for dinner?” He asked.

“Hmm...A simple home-cooked meal would be nice,” you answered. Home, a word that Fred loved hearing you say.

~

Before bed, you and Fred were brushing your teeth together. It was a simple and ordinary routine, but you were finding this moment magical. Watching your reflections in the mirror, you realized you two were moving in synch so easily and naturally. Since when did you get used to having him in your life? And since when did you start to have him on your mind? The whole day played on repeat in your mind, and all you could think about was how Fred encouraged you and lift your spirit when you needed it the most.

“Actually, you can have the bed tonight. I’ll sleep on the couch. I wanted to thank you for helping me today.” You always knew he was too tall for that couch to be comfortable, but your pride didn’t allow you to give up that bed until today when you finally found an excuse. 

“No, it’s fine. You did most of the work, anyway,” Fred shrugged.

“I have a better idea,” you heard George’s voice behind you, “How about you both sleep on the bed? It’s a very big and comfy bed if I remembered correctly.”

You felt the heat climbing up from your cheeks to the tips of your ears, but somehow you just didn’t want to let this pass. “I-I guess I’m fine with that.”

Fred’s expression froze for a moment, but a smile soon appeared on his lips, “Then I guess I’m fine with that, too.”

Sleeping next to Fred, you could hear your heart pounding in your chest. But this seemed so normal to him since you were pretty sure he fell asleep the moment his head hit the pillow.

This was probably the first time you got to stare at him at such a close distance and without anyone interrupting. You always knew he was good looking, but now you just found everything about him perfect. You adored how his eyes light up when he’s talking about new ideas and plans. You adored the angle of his lips when he’s smiling and when he’s saying your name. Or maybe, you just adored him.

Your eyes traced Fred’s eyes, nose, and lips, and stopped at the wedding ring sitting on his finger, stating that he’s your husband, at least just for now. Almost unknowingly, your hand reached for the ring on his hand but immediately pulled back when he let out a silent groan. 

Did he notice you staring at him? Was he awake this whole time? You buried your face in the blanket and tried to pretend you’re asleep while your heart was still beating loud in your chest. Maybe you were too good at pretending, or perhaps you were just too tired from your work and adventure today, but you soon fell asleep. 

Watching you sleeping peacefully and hearing you breathing evenly, Fred decided that this might be his favorite scene. Of course he was awake this whole time. How could he fall sleep so easily when you were lying right next to him? His left hand found yours as your wedding rings clicked together. He couldn’t help but pulled you closer and pressed a soft kiss on your forehead. 

Fred wondered, what would it feel like if you were really his wife? What would it feel like if you loved him too? But even if this was only for one year, even if this was only for one night, he felt happy and content enough just holding you like this.

(to be continued.)

Chapter 4

~

A/N: First fic of 2021! Next chapter is going to be Christmas at the Burrow!

series taglist: @ifilosemyselfagain @theweasleytwinsgirl @bookworm06 @unabashedbookscollector @txtdreamss @sagittarius-flowerchild  @rsheridan @ovrwd @anywherebuthere @allaroundaddict @jeminila @secretsofageek @magical-spit @freddieweasleyswife @lilypad-55449 @hufflepuffzutara @honey-honey-5644 @treblebeth @kyloren-peterparker 

general taglist: @protect-remus @elayneblack @violettaweasley  @pineapplesandpinas @m1rkw00dpr1ncess @heiressofravka @itstatigallegos @missmulti @bolaurel @rangerelik @teenagesublimefan @leave-me-alone-and-go-away @gcdric @the-romanian-is-bae @zaphdekota @glimmering-darling-dolly  @gloryekaterina @reenfluffmarshmallow @wand3ringr0s3 @heavenlymidnight @hunnybunimdun @izzyyy-1 @magicalxdaydream @starlightweasley @shadowsinger11 @probably-peeves @thisismynerdyself @theweasleysredhair @harrysweasleys @levylovegood @cinammonjae @mrbillymontgomery @slytherinsunrise @rosemusic18 @sarcasticallywitty15 @ac127 @1127203457 @inglourious-imagines @bellaiscool @vogueweasley @coolepowersthings @slutherin-7  @bberree @sleep-i-ness @icarusfaiis @letsgotothehop  @papan-pananpanda​  @llilithsdaughter​  @mollenniumfalcon​  @mackaywhore​ @jasminemirage​ @the-whitewolfie​

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[kalee60]

I wish you would write a fic where stucky are mad at each other for some reason but get forced into the same tiny escape pod and spend a very interesting hour pressed so tight together on their way back to the surface...

Not going to lie Bec - when I first saw this prompt, my mind immediately went one way, and one way only - and I'm pretty sure you just played me like a fiddle with this idea of yours and knew exactly what I'd write.

So please take this humble offering, you are literally my greatest support and I would not be here without you gorgeous ❤️ my adoration for you is endless for our unique and special bond x

The fic is just over 4k and also on ao3 here (with all tags necessary) if you prefer to read there instead, it'll be part of my stucky bingo fills - Truth or Dare and rated M for mild sexual content 😉

If you'd like a fic - here's the post - I wish you'd write a fic... (It might take me a little bit to write - but I will get there!)

"Are you freaking kidding me right now Rogers?" Bucky shouted as he tried to wrest control of the tiny submarine, or whatever the fucking contraption Stark had purpose built for underwater expeditions, from his meathead best friend who never had a plan. "What the hell was that?"

Steve glared over at Bucky, who scowled back. "I had it under control."

"Under control, my ass. You ran us into a goddamn rock, a rock so sharp we now have a leak - and guess what? We just happen to be about three miles under the sea!"

"I - " Steve started to say then stopped abruptly to slam at the controls before him in the dim lighting, trying to unwedge the small vessel off the rock.

"Don't! Fuck Steve, leave it, don't get us off the rock - we'll tear apart if you do." The sharp edge of panic amidst his anger was clear.

"I know what I'm doing, Buck." Steve ground out.

The panic immediately disappeared leaving only ire behind, "I highly doubt that by looking at the trouble you got us into. I thought partnering up with Sam was a pain in the ass for those few months, but I'd somehow forgotten what you were like."

Bucky heard Steve grinding his teeth, and satisfaction filled him that Steve was at least angry at their hopeless situation, one he was solely to blame for.

They’d been tasked to go to the Raft - one of the inmates had managed to escape - Namor, and although Bucky thought it was way out of their scope of skills to be chasing a literal being that came from the ocean, who had super strength and a huge advantage by, well, being able to breathe underwater, the Avengers assembled and it was left to Cap, no, Nomad and Bucky to sort it out.

At first, the mission was fine and on track, they were given the craft from Stark, Steve assuring both Bucky and the cocky self-appointed head Avenger, that he'd used it many times over on missions, and away they went. Bucky had realised after an hour at sea as they dove deeper and deeper, Bucky wide-eyed at all the sealife and fish that swam into the lights from the craft, that Steve looked a little peaky, a little sweaty. Apparently, after some hard prodding, Steve admitted he'd only taken it out for a few runs in the East River and had never been in the ocean with it.

Bucky was fuming.

He became even angrier when they found Namor, and Steve without any hesitation hit a button that harpooned a weapon from the undercarriage, missing the man completely and hitching it on a nearby rock, careening them towards it. Bucky was certain he saw a smirk and a laugh from their quarry as he swam off - uncaptured. Free.

It was, in fact - quite humiliating for two usually competent supersoldiers.

So now they were fixed tightly onto a jutting rock bed, water leaking slowly into the vessel and Steve was acting like a massive stubborn child about their situation. Especially when they realised they couldn’t call for assistance - they were too deep for a signal.

As a starfish floated by and suckered itself to the window, making a home there, Bucky was starting to wonder if they'd get out of the situation in one piece. They may have the serum running through their veins, but he was certain drowning was still on the scope of things that could kill them. He glanced at Steve who was still pressing buttons - that and along with an irate best friend who had a penchant for knives.

The urge to strangle Steve and his handsomely stubborn face rose with each and every breath, and he couldn't fathom why he was in love with such an imbecile. Bucky, glad that Steve wasn’t aware of where his feelings lay, not wanting to openly tell such an idiot he loved him; though Bucky hadn’t really had an opportunity to approach Steve about it, unsure if he ever would find the courage to bring it up.

Plus right then... right in that moment as they floated and bobbed in the undercurrent while beady eyed fish approached them curiously, Bucky was livid and was certain that even if Steve turned to him to profess his undying love - Bucky would punch him in the face.

“What do you propose we do then smarty pants?”

Bucky’s mouth formed a tight line at the old taunt.

“I suggest we get into the escape pod and head for the surface.”

“What? And give up?”

“Give up Steve? Of course we give up. What the fuck do you think we can do?” Bucky exclaimed, as Steve grumbled into the small space. “For a brilliant strategist you sure are an absolute ninny sometimes.”

“A ninny?” Steve burst out in horrified disbelief.

Bucky felt his lip twitch and almost laughed at Steve’s expression and the absurdity of their situation that by calling Steve a ninny, is what pissed him off the most.

“The only way we can do anything of any use now, is if Namor comes back and surrenders. And I don’t think he’s about to do that, considering he sped off laughing when you marooned us on this damn rock. One I might add that has more strength and the ability to stay calm and think more rationally than you.”

“Are you seriously comparing me to a rock?”

“If the Cap fits.”

“Really?” Steve deadpanned at Bucky’s admittedly terrible attempt at humour.

And before Bucky could say anything further, potentially offer a simple truce, a large shadow loomed above them and Bucky was instantly caught in the beauty and grace of the huge marine animal swimming overhead, close enough Bucky could reach out and touch if there wasn’t glass between them. It looked to be a shark of some type and Bucky was captivated by the smooth skin, the sheer mass and the tail that flicked; until that same large tail hit the vessel on one of it’s sweeps, dislodging it from the rock.

With a triumphant yell, Steve pushed on the accelerator as Bucky yelled at him to stop, and suddenly the whole craft shook and groaned, creaking as the very structure started to unhinge.

“Jesus fuck, Steve. Get in the escape pod now!”

Steve for the first time since they entered the vessel listened to Bucky, and they both jumped up and scrambled for the pods that were situated behind their seats, opening the escape hatches - only to find one empty, and the other thankfully still in place.

“Shit, Tony.” Bucky swore. “Don’t you know about the Titanic? Always have enough damn life rafts. Fuck.”

“We can fit.” Steve said matter of fact and opened the hatch door, just as the thick glass from the front of the craft splintered, water spurting through and a loud cracking filled the space. Bucky’s heart thumped hard and fast at the danger they were in, his Soldier training all but useless in the face of this new terror.

Bucky pushed Steve, who yelped at being manhandled into the small space, and Bucky jumped right in, landing on top of Steve, their faces only inches apart - and that face did not look happy.

They had just enough room for Steve to hit the big red button that closed the pod, and an automated voice immediately filled the area.

“Releasing in three, two - one.” 

The voice went silent as the capsule whooshed out of the craft, and Bucky was on the correct side to see through the glass over Steve’s shoulder, the lights of the vessel flickering as it tore apart from the pressure of the water. Bucky let out a shaky breath that they’d escaped in time.

“Calculating your trajectory and location,” the voice began, then went silent for a few seconds, “you will breach the surface in just under two hours.”

“Two hours.” Bucky griped and wiggled, Steve hissing for him to ‘quit it’. The voice continued on in its modulated voice.

“Due to your depth, the emergency pod has been slowed to ensure you rise at the correct rate so you do not suffer any complications.”

“Complications,” Bucky said under his breath, knowing with the serum it was unlikely they’d get sick. “I’ve got a big bearded one right in front of me. I think that’s complicated enough - just get us to the surface quickly.”

The voice droned on about protocols and safety features for a few minutes and mentioned when it came into range it would send a distress call to FRIDAY for assistance. Finally some good news, because all Bucky could think about was the fact the enormous shark was not in sight. He hoped it was long gone.

“Can you move your damn leg?" Steve hissed, shaking Bucky from his contemplation of why he insisted on watching Jaws a few weeks earlier.

But it was the tone Steve used that irked Bucky further, and ever helpful, he moved his leg back and forth like a petulant kid. “That enough movement for you?”

“Buck, your damn knife is digging into my thigh. Actually why in the hell are you wearing it on an underwater mission in the first place?”

“Why did you bring your shield?” Bucky countered, not wanting to tell Steve about the other seven knives in his pants.

“That’s not really comparable.”

“It is.” Bucky replied sullenly, knowing it wasn’t at all. 

Steve sighed heavily, and they spent a good fifteen minutes without conversing, not even daring to look at the other in the soft green-tinged light from the control panel where Bucky could read their glacially paced progress as they headed for the surface. They were still so far down.

“Truth or dare? Steve suddenly asked, breaking the awkward silence.

“Are you for real? Now?” Bucky asked incredulously. “Look, I know that game worked when we were kids - but read the damn room, well, pod.”

Steve didn’t respond as the charged air between them rose in silent intensity.

“Truth.” Bucky finally bit out after a long minute.

“Why did you bring knives on an underwater mission?”

“Jesus Christ, you don’t let up, do you? Why am I even surprised, it’s Steven Grant Rogers asking. Because Steve, I take them everywhere. You know this. I might have had to stab some seaweed for being rude to your delicate sensibilities or something. And don't you dare try and say they haven’t gotten us out of tough spots before.”

Steve harrumphed, “I’m hardly delicate.”

“Sure thing.”

They fell silent again, until Bucky gave in and sighed heavily. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Why did you lie and say you knew how to drive the boat?”

“Bucky, you don’t drive a boat.”

“Yeah, well you proved that without a doubt.”

Steve tensed up, Bucky experiencing Steve’s muscles bunching together against his body from being so close, he swallowed heavily. 

“I thought I had it handled. How difficult could it be?”

“Steve…” Bucky started, stopped then sighed, “Steve, you need to actually be truthful with me, to the Avengers, especially if you need help. You don’t have to prove that you have it together all the time, every time. That’s what I’m for.”

“So you’re saying you could have piloted the boat?”

“Is piloted correct? But in answer - no, I couldn’t have. So we would have found a better way.” 

“Buck, he’s an underwater being, what else were we going to do but try and follow him down here?”

Bucky remained quiet thinking over the options. When the call went out, only Steve and he were available for the mission, so in a way Steve was correct, but he wasn’t going to admit that.

Steve moved suddenly in an unintentional grind, and a spark flew down Bucky’s spine, shit, they were close, really close, and through his initial fear and anger, Bucky hadn’t really thought about the situation he’d inadvertently put himself in. Pressed up against Steve’s body in a way he’d never been before.

Oh shit…

“Truth or dare,” Steve asked, breaking Bucky’s thoughts on the bulge he could feel just slightly higher than his own.

“Truth,” Bucky gritted out, looking over Steve’s shoulder at the murky water surrounding them. “It’s not like we can do any dares down here.”

Steve paused for a moment, looking directly at Bucky, and Bucky finally gave in and glanced his way, holding Steve’s gaze, and knew immediately that he shouldn't have. Steve’s eyes had taken on a greenish-blue tinge, making them pop and they softened at the edges once Bucky was in their snare. Bucky let out a long exhale. He hated when they fought - but he was still annoyed that Steve hadn't listened or been truthful.

“Are you dating anyone?”

Bucky jerked in surprise, wincing straight away, as rubbing up against Steve wasn’t going to help him remain impassive. “What kind of question is that?”

“A simple one I would have thought,” Steve replied curtly, and Bucky saw the slight tick in Steve’s cheek, and he caught his breath. For some reason Steve was invested in his answer, but why? Could it mean..?

“We live together Steve. You know I’m not.”

“Not even Darcy,” Steve countered.

Unable to stop it from bubbling up, Bucky started to laugh loud and heartily before realising that the motion was doing nothing to stop the friction between them, and Bucky started to worry that the knives on his person weren't the only hard thing Steve could feel pressed up against him.

When he’d composed himself, he saw that Steve had tilted his chin up proudly, and Bucky knew he’d hurt his feelings.

“Uh, that’s a negative. Darcy and I are not dating, she’s like Becca. You know - a little sister, an annoying one too, and yeah I love her, but not in the way you think. To be honest I’d like to date…”

Bucky trailed off, realising he was about to give too much away.

“You’d like to date?” Steve coaxed, eyes riveted on Bucky as he looked slightly down at him, and Bucky wasn't sure he'd ever really get used to the change in Steve's physique. Having to look up to his once small friend, shoulders wide enough he was a literal tank.

“Tall, blonde people,” he admitted, face immediately heating; not meaning to let that particular parcel of words out.

“Oh.” Steve replied, face slack and wondering as he stared at him, the gravity in his eyes not letting Bucky look elsewhere. So Bucky shut his eyes to escape, berating himself for being an obvious fool.

“Dare,” Steve husked.

Bucky snapped his eyes open to find Steve unblinking, attention directly on him, and there was something lurking behind his gaze, something dark and delicious, Bucky uncertain if what he saw was real or not. So he thought about his response carefully before answering.

“Okay, Stevie,” and Steve inhaled sharply through his nose at the nickname, Bucky pleased at the response. “I bet you can’t get your hands to the control panel to turn on the exterior floodlight so we can see the fishes.”

Steve narrowed his eyes. “You want to see the fishes?”

Bucky nodded slowly, having a gut feel Steve already saw through his game, considering where Steve’s hands were positioned in the first place. Between their bodies.

Steve wriggled his fingers, and a live wire burned through the very structure of Bucky’s cells, remaking them into something different, something primal as Steve continued to move and pushed his hand between them towards the panel, inadvertently pressing hard up against the front of Bucky’s pants, right over his dick in the process. A dick that was suddenly much more interested in their predicament. 

Bucky might have made an error in judgement as he slipped out a strangled gasp.

Steve’s face lit up in a grin at Bucky’s unintentional response, deliberately mimicking the same movement again.

Bucky’s eyes fluttered shut, enjoying the touch through his tac pants, wishing for no obstructions between them, and before he could lose himself completely in the sensations, Steve's hand pulled free to touch the control panel, light suddenly flooding outwards. Tufts of seaweed and darting fish fled past the glass as they continued to slowly climb for the surface. 

And before he knew what he was saying, Bucky was pressing his hips the scant inch forward into Steve's body and whispered, "I dare you to do that again."

The ragged and shaky exhale from Steve was gratifying in its sheer emotion, and the 'Buck' that tore from his throat made Bucky look up. The moment his eyes met Steve's he was gone.

"Can I?" Steve asked, and Bucky could do no more than nod as Steve's lips came crashing down on his.

It was the kiss Bucky had been waiting a lifetime for, and he couldn't believe as Steve's tongue slipped in between his lips, a low deep growl erupting unbidden in his throat, that the catalyst was a failed mission where they were stuck together angry in a cylindrical tube in the middle of the ocean.

Steve's hand forced itself back between their bodies, and Bucky moaned as Steve made the best of the small space, rubbing over and over until Bucky grew thick and hard in his pants, all while Steve kissed the very breath from his body. Bucky was stunned that Steve was an exceptional kisser, partly impressed and partly jealous at the realisation that he'd had experience, more than Bucky first thought.

"Jesus Buck, you taste so good."

"Yeah?" Bucky husked back, leaning up as far as he was able, capturing Steve's lips again. What started as chaste, soon became hungry and insistent and Bucky tried to move his hands, but there was no room for two sets between them, Steve’s all that could fit; so Bucky let Steve take control, do what he wanted. And somehow, without even speaking about it, Steve gave Bucky exactly what he needed, what he craved. And if Steve wanted, Bucky would spend his lifetime taking care of Steve in return.

"Your fucking knife," Steve husked into his cheek as he pulled away, lips wet and thoroughly kissed. It was a spaced out look Bucky wanted to see more often.

"That's not a knife," Bucky sassed back.

"Well unless you're extraordinary and have two dicks, then yes, I think the one pressing just above my knee is a knife."

Bucky tried to adjust his stance to lessen the pressure from the weapon, and at Steve's wince, he knew he'd not managed to do it.

"Well to be fair, I wasn't expecting to end up in this predicament."

"Predicament?" Steve asked as his fingers pressed against Bucky's groin again, pushing and sliding to create extra friction.

"Oh shit," Bucky breathed, hating and loving the knowing smirk on Steve's face. "Maybe I've been wanting this for over a hundred years and you know, since nothing has ever happened before, how was I to know that being trapped in an escape pod, while seething in anger would do it for you?"

Steve looked blankly at Bucky, mouth open, shock clearly written over his face. "Over a hundred years?"

Bucky realised he had no filter when Steve had a hand on his dick, and flushed at the long kept secret, now a confession, but kept going, confirming it. He was all in by that stage.

"Give or take a year."

"Buck, why the hell didn't you say anything? I've been waiting since…"

Steve trailed off and Bucky couldn't help it.

"Since..?"

"I was sixteen."

"Fuck," Bucky surged forward, kissing the breath from Steve, and Steve's hand movements became more insistant. Suddenly Bucky felt the zip of his pants loosen and he couldn’t stop the wanton moan from escaping and he wriggled his hips in anticipation. Between one breath and the next Steve had somehow, miraculously snaked his hand into Bucky's pants, and now, now, there was only a layer of thin underwear between them.

Why the hell hadn't he gone commando?

"God, Buck, you feel amazing - knew you would.” Steve said as he looked into Bucky’s eyes while stroking him, and the sheer power behind his gaze pushed all of Bucky’s buttons. “Want to get my mouth on you."

Bucky gasped, vibrating at the imagery and Steve chuckled, nipping at Bucky's lips, kissing him again and again and it hit Bucky that Steve was able to feel every single quiver and sharp intake of breath he made. He was no longer able to hide his reactions, even if his face gave nothing away - Steve was so close that all of Bucky's tells were like a neon sign emblazoned above his head. Steve had him at his mercy.

And Bucky loved it.

"I want that," Bucky whispered back, "want your mouth everywhere. Want my mouth all over you too pal, I can't wait to get you naked."

"You're too much," Steve ground out and suddenly Bucky was being kissed deeply, thoroughly and he lost all concept of time and space. Steve's fingers gripped his dick, squeezing and making short jerky motions, it wasn't the greatest angle, and Steve didn't have full motion - but it was perfect. Bucky was so turned on, his dick weeping into his underwear, and he knew that if Steve kept going, kept kissing him, touching him, he was going to come in his pants like he'd done too many times when they’d slept next to each other before the war.

"Oh fuck Steve, keep doing that."

"You like that?" Steve husked, complying when Bucky nodded his head limply, rubbing in tight circles, fingers tangling in Bucky's underwear as he tried his best to get Bucky off. And Bucky, well he wasn't easy, it usually took him a while to get in the right headspace to feel comfortable enough to let go, to let himself be free in the moment, but with Steve he knew he could be. He trusted Steve, wanted him by his side always, and he knew he'd catch Bucky, protect him as he fell. Steve would never let go again.

"Gonna make you come on my dick," Steve rasped into Bucky's mouth, making Bucky forget everything sweet and hopeful in their future to concentrate on how filthy Steve’s lust driven words were, "going to fill you up, and I'm never letting you out of my bed again Buck. You're mine - you hear that?"

"I… yes… yours," Bucky said as his knees buckled, and Steve had him, gripped him tight, pinching his dick in a way that made Bucky white out and he came apart. Bucky spurted into his pants, underwear soaking up his release and he jerked and whimpered as Steve held him through it, mouth hovering over his, whispering words of want and desire. 

"You're gorgeous Buck, the prettiest fella I ever saw."

"Jesus Steve," Bucky breathed as he came down from his orgasm, legs still twitching. "You're going all Brooklyn and sappy on me."

Steve kissed the corner of Bucky's mouth delicately, as if he hadn't just got him off in the tightests of spots, and removed his hand from Bucky's pants. "Always felt sappy with you Punk."

Bucky grinned back, sated, happy and languid - until he felt it.

"Have you got a fucking bludgeon in your pocket?" he exclaimed when Steve shifted, and awed, Bucky realised exactly what Steve was packing in his plain navy shorts that were often tangled with his black briefs in the dryer at home. Steve's cheeks tinged pink and Bucky was gone, so gone on this man who was sweet and commanding all at once.

"Oh shit Steve, am I going to have fun with you."

"Yeah?" Steve grinned back, suddenly a little shy, a little hopeful and Bucky smiled.

"For the rest of our lives if you want."

Steve sucked in a breath, "I'd like that."

"The surface is less than twenty metres away, a rescue shuttle has been dispatched and will meet you on the surface."

The automated voice fell away, and Bucky and Steve looked over each other's shoulders at the lightened water, having completely ignored the sea of fish and marine animals around them. It was stunning, there was so much life just under the surface.

And before he knew it, they were blinded by sunlight as the pod popped up on the surface, Bucky finding Steve on top of him, all of his weight pressing him down as the cylinder floated in the ocean on its side. The sheer bulk of Steve was phenomenal, a portent of things to come.

"Far out, you're heavy." Bucky commented with a grin.

"Sorry, the serum… well you know."

"No, I like it." He said as Steve kissed him again, leaning down to take Bucky's mouth under his in a passionate but short taste. "But you're still an ass for getting us into that position in the first place."

"How did you know I didn't plan it this way?"

Bucky laughed just as the lid opened and he squinted into the bright light, the quinjet hovering over them, finding himself staring directly up into Clint's grinning face.

"Looking cozy there boys, need a hand?"

"I think we have that handled," Steve replied with a smirk, staring at Bucky, and Bucky could only gaze up into the brightest blue he'd ever seen, the eyes of his best friend, his soon to be lover and hopefully so much more.

It took some maneuvering to get Steve off him without toppling them into the ocean, but soon they were inside waiting as Bruce and Clint secured the pod to take back to Tony's lab.

Bucky made his way to the front of the jet as Steve called in their failure to Fury, and greeted Natasha who was in the pilots seat, stretching his arms up and over his head, popping his muscles from having been cramped up too long. 

She looked him dead in the eye in the unnerving way only Nat could, and remarked, "your fly's undone."

Red faced, Bucky looked over at Steve who'd heard Nat and was silently laughing, telling Fury that 'no, he didn't think losing Namor was amusing', before hanging up and motioning Bucky over.

"You really are a jerk." Bucky hissed as he pulled up his fly, finally realising how wet and uncomfortable he was. He needed a shower. Preferably with company.

"But I'm your jerk though."

"Gee, aren’t I the luckiest guy in Brooklyn," Bucky snarked back at Steve's playful wink, and for the entire trip home, neither of them could keep the grins off their faces.

A day later - Natasha brought Namor in.

[sarahjtv]

BNHA Chapter 301 Spoiler Thoughts: Pain, More Pain, Extra Pain, EVERYTHING HURTS

I had to wait until the summary for this chapter came out to get my thoughts across and holy shit, my dudes...  This chapter is so, so deep and adds a lot more to the Todoroki family than I thought possible.  I’m still thinking about all of it as I’m typing this.  But, writing is how I process things sometimes, so I hope this helps all of us:

The chapter starts off with a flashback to when Enji (I’m calling Endeavor by his real name here so long as we’re dealing with his family) proposing to marry Rei to Rei and her family.  Rei is aware of the whole “Quirk Marriage” thing, but she accepts the proposal much to her family’s delight.  What’s surprising here is that it’s implied that Enji expected Rei to say “No”.  I’m honestly kind of shocked here too.  

One, I thought because of the whole eugenics thing that Rei and her family would be taken aback by this.  Back in the Sports Fest. Arc, I believe Shoto implied the that Endeavor bought Rei’s hand in marriage with money (it’s been a LONG time, so please correct me on this if I’m wrong).  But they were actually ok with the idea of having Rei be married to a top hero like Endeavor.  Rei seemed more reluctant though the fact that she said “Yes” maybe implies that she had legitimate feelings of love for Enji before shit hit the fan.

Edit: Ok, the fan translations are out.  It’s said that Rei did this for the sake of her family.  I still think she at least started to have legit feelings of love for Enji at some point.

Two, Enji didn’t expect Rei to accept his proposal.  We all know that Enji’s intention was to have a kid that had a Quirk that possessed both fire and ice so that the kid could surpass All Might.  Maybe Enji was looking for other women with ice Quirks before Rei and all of them before her turned him down.  So when Rei accepted, Enji was shocked that someone agreed to what was basically his plan for the future.

The next page shows Enji and Rei on a walk in the park Rei looks at her favorite flowers and Enji asks if she likes them to which Rei says “yes”.  Enji comments on how strong yet fragile Rei is.  It’s such a small scene, but it tells the story so well visually.  I can’t explain it well here, but I think this is where Enji started to see Rei as more of a person to love than something that can help achieve his goal.  

Back to the present real quick, we go back to Rei confronting Enji.  She came to see him because things are not okay and they need to face their family’s tragedy head on.  At the same time, Dabi is reflecting on his life and doing his iconic monologuing about how he loved seeing Enji suffer.  He wants the rest of his family to see how he suffered too.  This further establishes how much Dabi wants to see his father be destroyed mentally.  He wants him to reap everything he sewed.  I’ll be damned if Dabi’s plan didn’t work.  Also, Dabi is shown crying blood again as the panel transitions to the Todoroki household with the blood tear seeping into the next panel.  God, I love Horikoshi’s panel structuring A+ stuff.

Back to the past, Enji stopped training little Touya.  His fire Quirk was getting stronger, but so was the ice part of his body.  Touya’s body was meant for the cold, but his fire Quirk counteracts that.  So, Touya’s ultimately harming himself.  This reveals to us that Enji didn’t really stop training Touya because he wasn’t the “perfect specimen” for his plan.  It was mainly because Enji cared about Touya enough that he didn’t want his son to harm himself anymore than he already has.  Enji abused his kids and wife, sure, but he wasn’t always a bad man.  He did love his family before something snapped.

Also, real quick, but there’s a panel that shows Touya’s hair getting progressively whiter.  Specifically the left side of his head.  He looks like the opposite of Shoto actually and I bet you money that that was done on purpose.  Symbolism, my friends.

The next panels shows little Touya and Fuyumi (AWWW 🤍) talking a bit.  Touya’s upset that their dad won’t train him anymore while Fuyumi just doesn’t want her brother to get hurt.  Touya says that girls wouldn’t understand (he’s a kid here, so I’ll let this slide).  It hurts to see how Touya misunderstand the situation here.  I think he ultimately wanted to have love and acceptance from his father via training to make Enji proud.  But training only caused Touya pain.  Pushing Touya away for his own safety ended up making things worse.

I actually can’t describe what happens next (I've seen the panel, but it hasn’t been translated fully yet), but it has something to do with Rei trying to convince Enji not to do something in particular because it would be too cruel.  Touya continued to train alone and he kept getting scars on his skin every day because his ambitions are just as strong as Enji’s.  He didn’t know when to give up.  In the end, Enji knew that Touya couldn’t surpass All Might and he tried to get Touya to give up his ambitions so that he would stop hurting himself.  I think this is where Enji’s drive to have a kid to surpass All Might started to take over his love for his family.  I want to comment more on this part, but I think I’ll have to wait until the full chapter comes out.  I’ll add an edit when I read it.  It’s a painful, sad page regardless and I want to cry 😢.

Edit: Ok, I’ve read the translations for this page and it’s still not entirely clear what “cruel idea” Rei and Enji are talking about here.  The best I can take I can think from this is that Enji did think that having more kids would solve the problem; it would help Touya give up the idea of surpassing All Might.  The panels get darker and darker too, which shows how dark all this has become.  

Next, Natsuo is born and he was so ADORABLE!!! 💙  Fuyumi looked so happy to have a little brother ❤️  But, Touya looks devastated; like he’s been replaced again.  My heart hurts so bad for this kid.  All he wanted was his father’s attention, but Enji seemed to have moved on from him and had more kids instead.  Almost like having more kids would solve the problem... ugh...

As time goes on, Enji gets angrier at All Might’s success (btw, seeing All Might drawn in his buff form again makes me nostalgic) and Rei becomes more fearful.  The summary states that Rei stopped “looking” at Enji at some point.  I think this is the point where Enji drive to create a perfect child completely took over his life and his family’s lives.  Even so, I think we need an explanation of when exactly Enji snapped and changed into the abusive man we all knew and how that exactly came to be.  We got hints in this chapter, but I think we need a full explanation.

AND SHOTO WAS BORN HE WAS BABY 💙🥺😭 Crying into the world he came into like most newborns do.  I want to love him and take care of him 💙💙💙 Look, Shoto’s my favorite character in the series and we need some good vibes in this depressing chapter, so please let me have this.

But, my god.  The faces on Enji, Rei, and Touya are haunting.  I honestly can’t really describe it.  It’s just so unsettling.  Enji looks like he’s glad he’s finally “created” the perfect child, Rei looks exhausted, and Touya is even more devastated than before.  The panel lines are all distorted too which drives the mood home.

Touya continues to train on his own to prove himself to his father.  He’s burning himself more and he looks like he’s loosing his mind.  I’m not exaggerating; Touya actually looks like he’s going crazy.  Enji is tying to convince Touya that they’re more to the world than being a hero like playing with his siblings and making friends at school.  But, Touya can’t because, as he says, “I’m your son”.  Despite Enji probably focusing primarily on getting ready to train Shoto at this point, he still cared enough about Touya to where he wanted him to have a life outside of heroism.  Though that could also be because, again, he’s turned his focus on Shoto instead (this family is a mess).  And Touya being so driven to have his father pay attention to him is heartbreaking.  No kid should have to go through this.

And then he activates his Quirk to attack baby Shoto.  Lil’ Fuyumi’s protecting Lil’ Natsuo and Rei is holding onto Lil’ Shoto 😭.  Rei wants to help cool him down with her Quirk, but Touya “fire” Enji lit can’t be put out.  Touya’s too far gone.  He even stops calling Enji “father”; he says “look at me, Endeavor” instead.  Everything about this makes me sad, man.  Touya’s love for his father turned into what he thought was abandonment, which turned into mad jealousy for his baby brother.  Though Enji did light Touya’s fire, it was Touya himself who ultimately drove himself insane.  Touya helped create Dabi, it wasn’t all Enji Todoroki’s doing.

And finally, the flashback ends with Rei stating that Enji isn’t the only who’s suffered, but he’s also not the only one who didn’t look at Touya.  This implies that Rei shares the blame for letting Touya turn into Dabi.  I do wonder what Rei didn’t do that helped Touya’s transformation.  I doubt she neglected him entirely, but maybe she wasn’t paying attention to him as much because of her other kids and her declining mental state. I can’t comment on this very much with the lack of details, but i do hope things get answered soon.

Edit: I’ve thought about this a bit more.  Rei was/is a good mother and she’s a badass in her own right.  She never meant to harm her kids.  But, based on that dark panel before about Enji thinking of a way to get Touya to give up the idea of being  a hero, Rei did agree to Enji’s plan in the end.  She decided to have more kids with him until they got the perfect child in Shoto.  Why did she agree, we don’t know.  That detail isn’t there just yet.  I bet we’ll get it in Pt. 2.  Again, Rei isn’t a bad person, but she did play a part in Touya’s downfall.  Which, of course, makes things all the more sad. 

Lastly, it’s stated that Rei came from a prestigious and noble family called Himura.  It’s a small detail, but it’s shows that Shoto and his siblings basically came from royalty.  Ha, Shoto really is a prince 👑!  It would explain those damn good Todoroki genes 😳😍.  Oh, and the kanji for “Hi” in Himura means icicle, ice, hail, freeze, etc. so Horikoshi’s playing with names again.  

Quick Edit: Turns out this part with Rei’s maiden name is actually at the VERY BEGINNING of the chapter LOL.  Either the image leaks got scrambled or the summary found this panel last.  Whoops...

Hoo boy, I think that’s it.  Really heavy chapter full of more layers and details about the Todoroki family that we didn’t get before.  This is honestly one of the best storylines in the series and I’m so glad to see it come back to the forefront again.  Horikoshi has handled this particular story so, so damn well I can’t help but be impressed.  I think, ultimately, the Todoroki family fell apart and became more and more tragic over time.  Amazingly, it wasn’t entirely Enji’s fault like we originally thought.  Yes, he was a big reason as to why everything happened the way it did.  His redemption does not excuse his years of abuse and neglect towards Shoto, Rei, and Touya especially.  But, Touya and maybe even Rei had a part in this.  I hope whatever Rei did or didn’t do isn’t so bad that we immediately put her into a bad light.  I hope it boils down to “she’s human”.  Though, Touya did ultimately drive himself to insanity.  He didn’t accept his father’s suggestion to stop training.  He only pushed himself further to the point of jealousy.  God, he tried to kill baby Shoto at one point.  We can dissect this family’s story for months and still find something new.  This chapter was called “Mischief of Fire - Part 1″ which means we’re definitely getting more.  I’m going to sit here and process all this in the meantime.  Anyone got any ice cream to go with my tears and pain from BNHA angst?

[howtowhumpyourhiccup]

Whumptober Day 17: He Knows

Summary: Written for Whumptober Day 17. Set during RttE. A Hiccstrid AU. When Viggo knows something about Hiccup that the Dragon Riders don't, he's all too eager to share it with his young rival.

Rating: Mature

Characters: Hiccup, Viggo, Astrid

Pairing: Hiccstrid

Words: 4 264

Fandom: How to Train Your Dragon

Prompt: “Blackmail” + “Dirty Secret”

Whumpee: Hiccup

Author’s Notes: This is actually based in an AU/UA that I've posted one one-shot for before and do plan on writing a main fic for because there is just so much drama and plot that can be made with it.

The continued usage of the wrong pronouns is on purpose.

Constructive criticism is appreciated!

Enjoy!

NOTE: The Rape/Non-con warning is there for a correct warning. Nothing explicit happens in this fic. What does happen is unwanted touching above the belt, above the chest even, but still unwanted.

Ao3 Whumptober Fic

Ao3 Original Fic

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I can't imagine how awful it must be to be in your position."

Hiccup looks up from the shackles binding his wrists at those words. They are the first spoken since Ryker has pushed him into this chair in front of Viggo minutes ago. There's been a tense one-sided silence of Viggo giving him the usual "did you honestly believe you would get away with this" speech with Hiccup not even giving him the time of day. But at those words, he has to look up.

They haven't been spoken with the kind of sympathy you'd expect to hear them be spoken in. Instead, Viggo gazes back at him with a smirk and that alone is enough to make him angrier than he already is.

"What position?" Hiccup asks, tone short, and showing the way he feels.

"Well, born the way you are, I can't imagine you have it easy." Deciding against giving him a straight answer, Viggo continues to use hints instead of giving him a straight answer.

"Berk no longer takes an issue with me being a runt." Hiccup replies and Viggo gives him that look, one of those he doesn't like. This one makes him feel like he's being played with.

"How does it feel knowing that your father, the Chief, will never truly accept you?" He asks and at this point Hiccup is confused.

Whatever gave him that idea? The relationship between him and Stoick is the best it's been since ever and Viggo shouldn't be able to know about the years before Toothless. And even if he did, that wouldn't explain why he thinks this.

Noticing the confusion Hiccup fails to hide, Viggo continues.

"You have to hide yourself, do you not? Can't imagine that must be pleasant." Viggo's fingers won't stop moving as he speaks and Hiccup almost finds them distracting. Is that what it's like talking to him? Is he that distracting, too?

"I don't know what you're talking about, I'm not hiding any part of myself." Hiccup denies what he thinks is an ungrounded claim.

"Good job, Hiccup, you almost sounded believable. I had no idea you were capable of such lies. How many times did you have to tell this to yourself before you started to believe it?" Viggo congratulates him on an acting job well-done and Hiccup isn't sure why.

"Repeat what? You're not making any sense." In the back of his mind, the very, very back, Hiccup feels like he knows exactly what his captor is talking about. But the last thing he wants to do, however, is admit to it.

Viggo readjusts his position and leans back in his chair, his expression hardly changes.

"Does it frighten you knowing you'll have to pretend you're a Chief someday? For the rest of your living days, I suspect? I assume this masquerade started because Berk's line of Chieftains has been entirely made up of men at this point. Bad enough they would get a runt for a Chief someday, but a female one? Now that must've stung." So this is what this has been all about, Viggo finally reveals the truth behind the lies Hiccup has supposedly been telling.

Pressing his lips together, Hiccup looks the other way, unable to bear that look of satisfying victory on his opponent's face. Viggo, meanwhile, is simply enjoying this little interaction.

"Are you suggesting that I'm... that I'm... You're-you're ridiculous!" Hiccup spits his denial at him, evidently shocked at this reveal.

"Can't even say the word, can you? Is that how far they've gotten the stubborn Hiccup Haddock the Third? You can't say "woman"? "Girl"? Or even the word "female" when it comes to yourself? You disappoint me, my Dear Hiccup." Viggo asks with mockery. This is still nothing more than a game to him, as everything always is with this man. A kind of frustration only he can make Hiccup feel burns within him.

But at least there's that one thing that doesn't change. Doesn't matter who he represents as Viggo still won't stop calling him "Dear".

"How did you know?" He asks, dropping the act as it's no use to keep it up.

Spending years in hiding, he doesn't exactly show it much. He's not like Astrid, who expresses her femininity with her clothes and her grace and her statements. He's not like Ruffnut, who would scream her pride as a woman from the rooftops if they hadn't explicitly told her several times to stop shouting in the middle of the night.

As far as he knows, he doesn't act, sound, or look all that different from his guy friends. And even after the months spent on the Edge together, they still have no idea what he truly is. So how did Viggo know?

"I simply have a keen eye, my Dear." Yeah, sure he does. It took the Dragon Riders ages to correct him on his pronouns before he finally started to call him...

Oh.

"So you've known from the beginning? Why keep it to yourself all this time?" It is a good question. If he really is as observant as he claims, why hadn't he brought it up sooner?

It's not like this is the first time he's been captured by the Dragon Hunters, so why wait until now? That something might've changed scares him the most.

As if having been invited to talk more about his discovery, Viggo stands up and walks from behind his desk.

"It was odd for sure. Is this simply who Hiccup Haddock is or is there something deeper going on? It didn't take much digging before I concluded that's exactly what's going on here." It is the intro to whatever speech he has prepared, the moment he's been waiting for, what he probably specifically captured Hiccup for.

"Berk has been keeping its dragon secret quite well, despite your theatrics." Hiccup rolls his eyes. Sure, he might have a bit of a dramatic flair going on, but it's not all purely theatrical.

"Did you know that your tribe's allies still refer to you as "the runt of Berk"? "Stoick's little embarrassment"? "Stoick's mistake"? I can't imagine any of those things being said about the Dragon Rider, especially about the Dragon Rider who ended the war with the dragons. That was you, wasn't it? Isn't that how you lost your leg?" So he knows about that, too, not that he's too surprised about this one.

Viggo has come to pace behind Hiccup, his hands behind his back. His footsteps are slow, relaxed, and yet somehow methodical as well.

Hiccup tries not to let it get to him, not that or the nicknames he used to hear so much growing up. He's always despised peace treaty signings for this exact reason. That and that his father expected him to keep the visiting Chiefs' spawn entertained and most of them loved to bully Berk's runty heir. The things they used to say to him, even in his own tribe, they still affect him to this day.

"But that everyone, even your allies, felt secondhand embarrassment for you and your father wouldn't explain your need to hide, so I dug a little deeper, a little somewhere else, and then I discovered Berk's lineage. No female leaders in your nearly 400-year-old history?" Viggo asks, the sound of his footsteps on the wooden floor accompanying him.

Hiccup's silence means he's hit the nail on the head. It's the lineage, that is why he needs to hide.

His hands land on the back of the chair and Hiccup visibly tenses up as a result. His hands intertwine, legs press close, shoulders move up, jaw clenches, within a single second, Hiccup is one human-sized ball of tension.

"This is why I can't imagine how awful it must be in your position." His voice is so close, he's looming over him and that, as well as the nature of this conversation, sends chills down his spine.

Hiccup wishes he could retort, sass, say anything, but his throat has closed up.

"Berk isn't the most progressive of places, is it?" Hiccup's silence keeping its hold on him, Viggo continues to talk.

But this time, Hiccup manages a response.

"And your tribe is? Where are your warrior women, Viggo, because we haven't seen a single one so far." Hiccup moves to the side, away from  Viggo. He doesn't need to look to know that his smile is still there. He's not going to respond to that one.

"What do you want people to call you? Are you truly satisfied going through life as someone you're not?" Satisfied? Of course, he isn't satisfied.

He's never told his friends this, but he's jealous of his female friends. Astrid, Ruffnut, Heather, he knows at least two of them were never ostracized for being a runt and for being useless. And they certainly haven't needed to prove their worth by fighting a dragon nearly the size of a volcano, lost a leg, and trained the dragons of Berk only to be forced to continue to hide.

He's resentful, too. Yeah, he's resentful. Some might claim he isn't capable of such an emotion, but that nagging feeling choking his heart is a familiar one.

As if able to tell the rush of emotions, Viggo leans in just a tad bit closer and suddenly his hands are on his shoulders. Not even on the pauldrons, but on the armor itself, close to his neck. There's a slight trembling he has a hard time suppressing. He does like that Viggo thinks he can just invade his personal space like this.

"Can I make you an offer?" The older man leans in closer, his lips right next to his ear.

"What about a place where you don't need to hide? A place where you can just be yourself, the woman you were meant to be from birth. Strong, intelligent, powerful, a true Mistress of Dragons." A place like that doesn't exist, not for him, but Viggo isn't quite done yet.

"A place next to me." And there it is. The tone in his voice always dips when they're alone, but this time it dips even deeper and Hiccup isn't sure how to feel about it. Afraid? Something else?

The suggestion isn't as tempting as he'd like it to be, however, because the Grimborns and their men still hunt dragons for a living, some even for sport. That isn't a community he can even consider living in.

But it is nice to dream, though. A life where responding to "she" and "her" instead of "he" and "him" is possible.

If only he hadn't been born an heir to a tribe that couldn't possibly accept a Chief that is both a woman and a runt. If only he hadn't been born an heir.

"Are you thinking about it? About what you could become? What we could become?" Viggo's hold on him tightens, but not in an entirely uncomfortable way. Or rather, Hiccup supposes it isn't supposed to be discomforting.

"What's in it for you?" Hiccup forces himself to bypass the lump in his throat in order to ask. Because Viggo isn't offering this out of the kindness of his heart.

"New opportunities." That's the only answer the man will give him and Hiccup is left to guess what exactly these opportunities may be.

So he's no longer interested in beating them or having a truce then? Viggo has never hidden his interest in his young foe, but has never made this offer before.

One hand moves closer to his neck, fingers curling so the back of them can caress his skin. At the same time, his index finger and thumb grab small locks of his hair to play with. The other hand, it moves down just a bit and sneaks the tip of his finger beneath his armor. Hiccup's breathing grows labored.

There's a sense of excitement that he doesn't like.  Because these are kinds of touches he doesn't let the Riders do in fear of being discovered. Not even Astrid, his girlfriend, can get too many touches in. The Riders, not knowing about this secret, believe it's because he just doesn't like to be touched. They respect this, whenever they remember to.

This must be why Viggo's fingers have this effect on him, because of how touch-starved he is to protect this secret his forebears forced onto him. That just makes him hate it even more.

"Are you thinking about my offer?" He repeats his question in that same low tone.

Hiccup's hands may be shackled together, but he's not tied to the chair, so he brings an end to this conversation by getting up before those hands can travel a little further. He could sense their intent to, could feel his armor lift just a tad.

Now pouting, Viggo watches Hiccup walk away from him.

"That won't happen. You hunt dragons and I save them. Don't forget that we're at war for a reason, Viggo." He tells the other, turning his head sharply to look at him from over his shoulder.

"This-this-this... fantasy! This fantasy won't work out. It will never work out! So don't bother trying to get me to your side, no matter what type of deal you try to make with me, I refuse to take it." He raises his voice, ignoring the stinging and the burning in his throat as the urge for tears wells up within him.

A fantasy, that's what the idea of him ever being himself, herself, is. A fantasy. Nothing more, nothing less.

Swallowing and taking a breath, he pushes that realization to the back of his mind. His mind.

But Viggo straightens and his amusement is gone as he approaches. Hiccup's stubbornness and his refusal to show his fear in the face of his enemy doesn't allow him to back away, but he can feel his heart thumping inside his chest.

"It wasn't a fantasy, far from it, it was a fair deal to save you from further humiliation. I'm sure you've suffered quite a bit of that in your young life, I had simply assumed you didn't want any more. But I see that I was a fool." The game picks right back up where it left off and Hiccup is left to wonder where it'll go this time.

He hasn't only declined, but essentially made fun of it, too, and that can't feel good to a man as prideful as he is.

"What do you mean?" He tries to keep his voice strong, unwavering, but he can't help the sense of anxiety that he feels when he asks.

"I have this information, do you expect me not to use it? I'm sure there are tribes, both ally and foe, that would be very interested to hear about Berk's heir. I'm also quite interested in knowing how Berk is going to react. Do the Riders know?"

"NO!" At that, Hiccup has quite the reaction and Viggo maliciously smiles once more.

The rational part of him knows his friends will accept him and won't reject him for this, but even so, that fear lingers. It's been ingrained into him since birth that nobody wants a runt, let alone a runt that's also a... So there is still a part of him that wonders how they are going to be any different from the rest.

Hiccup looks down, ashamed for the way he responded. He has just given the exact reaction Viggo is looking for.

"How about an ultimatum? Join me or the Dragon Riders will know. Refuse a second time and Berk will know. Refuse a third time, your allies. Can you guess what will happen if you refuse for a fourth time?" Viggo asks, satisfied with this perfectly cruel choice. He has always loved a good game. So long as it's in his favor, of course.

Hiccup stares at him, unable to hide his fear and the growing tears.

This is the day he has always been afraid would come, the day someone finds out and uses it against him like he has been warned it would. Ever since taking on this role of protecting dragons and facing countless of enemies, he has been afraid. Even before Toothless, when he was just Berk's embarrassment, he was afraid.

And now it's here.

If anybody finds out, he'll be shunned and bullied and belittled and thought of as worthless all over again. He can't bear to go back to those days. He can't bear being hated again for being born the way he is.

And yet...

"I guess you're going to have to... tell them." He can bear to see the Hunter harm dragons even less and so he refuses and in his mind doom himself to a life branded as the shame of his father. At least he'll still have Toothless.

Though not happy with this answer, Viggo isn't surprised.

"Shame, we could've had something great together, could've created some greats things, but you leave me no choice." He tells him. Hiccup casts his gaze downwards, a sense of panic is threatening to choke the breath out of him, but he has given the Hunter Chief his answer and he doesn't plan on taking it back.

"Shame, a real shame," Viggo remarks some more. He'd given Hiccup the chance to change his mind, but it didn't happen.

Then, as if sensing the dreadful end of this conversation, an explosion rocks the entire ship that they're on, throwing the two off-balance.

Slamming into the older man, Hiccup, and Viggo both make a tumble towards the floor, one ending up on top of the other.

"Dragon Riders!" The call is faint, almost too soft to hear, but it's Hiccup's cue to get out of here.

Using his cuffed hands, Hiccup strikes upward against Viggo's face with such force that it breaks his nose powered by nothing but the want to escape. He leaves the man no choice but to take a moment as a burning pain burst free.

Hiccup takes this opportunity to run, climbing to his feet and going for the door.

Toothless has to be here on this ship, too, they've been captured together.

As luck would have it, while he runs down the corridor, Toothless appears and their gazes meet.

"Toothless!" They meet each other halfway, both running to reunite and the dragon pushes the flat top of his head into Hiccup's torso, urging him to grab hold for as much as his tied wrists allow it for a brief hug.

"I'm happy to see you, too, Bud. We have to hurry and leave."

"Just what I was thinking." Astrid pops up as well, having been the one to free Toothless and letting him guide her straight towards Hiccup, always homed in on him.

"Come on," Axe in one hand, Astrid grabs one of Hiccup's in her other and pulls him along towards the deck of the ship, dodging Hunters and bracing for impact with each hit delivered by the other Dragon Riders.

They reach the deck soon enough and while Astrid and Stormfly reunite, Hiccup climbs in Toothless' saddle and the four of them take off towards the sky, the others providing them with cover fire.

"Dragon Riders, we're heading back to the Edge!" Hiccup orders. There were only two ships and they're both sinking, no use sticking around.

"Wow, we're happy to see you, too. Just a nice "Hello!" would've been fine, though." Snotlout teases Hiccup from on top of Hookfang. From what he can see, Hiccup is fine, so he thinks he's allowed to.

"Snotlout!"

"No, Astrid, he's kinda right. I'm happy to see you guys, too. Now let's go home." Hiccup stops Astrid from lecturing the other Rider. Barf and Belch, Ruff and Tuff, Fishlegs, and Meatlug join back up with them and the group heads for home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Dragon Hunters didn't get too far away with their prisoners, but still, it took a good hour of flying before the Dragon Riders arrive on the Edge.

The six Riders and one Dragon are in the clubhouse now, removing the cuffs and cleaning the chafing that they'd caused on his palms. Or Astrid is. Snotlout and the twins are off to the side, declaring their undying hatred for the Hunters while Fishlegs prods Toothless incessantly for possible injuries that may need treating.

"But I need to take a look at you!" Fishlegs exclaims when the dragon moves away again, much to Toothless' annoyance as he just wants to be left alone.

Astrid, who had been watching the rather amusing chase around the room, looks at Hiccup to see his reaction only to find none.

He's been down ever since his rescue. And though, being kidnapped can't exactly be called pleasant, Astrid feels like something else might be going on here.

She dabs his palms with a clean cloth soaked in water a few more times before she speaks up.

"You're not going to say anything?" She asks gently.

"Hmm?"

"About Fishlegs and Toothless."

At this, Hiccup looks up to see what's going on, Snotlout and the twins betting in the background how much longer it'll take for Toothless to get angry.

"Fishlegs, he's just tired and wants to be left alone. So leave him be." It may have sounded a little sterner than he intended it to, but it only further validated Astrid's assumption that something is up.

Turning their attention back to his stinging hands, she has to ask.

"So what's wrong?"

"Why do you ask?"

"I just feel like something is the matter. You know you can always tell me, so do you want to talk about it?" She offers herself up as a listening ear.

"Nothing is wrong, just the usual Viggo with his stupid threats." Hiccup tells her, deciding against sharing details about their talk for reasons that are obvious to him.

"Oh no, what was it this time?" Astrid asks, remarking on this being a very frequent occurrence.

Hiccup looks her in the eye and seemingly thinks about something for a good few moments.

Should he tell her?

He stares at her fiercely blue eyes, the long blond hair he loves so much, can feel her hands caring for him as she waits for an answer. Then he looks around the clubhouse, gazing at each of his friends when he finds them. Fishlegs, Snotlout, Ruffnut, and Tuffnut, just joking around and relieving the stress of the day.

He doesn't need to look at Toothless, who has settled on the floor behind him now that he has some peace. He has known from the start, all the dragons have, and they don't care what he is.

Looking at them all, fear wins. He's been so long without this, friendship, fun, just people who like him, you name it. He realizes he doesn't want to lose any of it.

"Hiccup?" Astrid says his name, thinking he's lost in thought.

"It's really just the usual, truce, or die." He tells her and if he reaches far enough, he can explain his lying as being technically not lying. Because what was basically a marriage proposal from one enemy to another is like a truce and revealing a secret such as his to the world is like a kind of death.

"Are you sure? We all know Viggo isn't pleasant to be around, especially for you. So we'll understand if you feel a little awful. Or a lot." Astrid tells him, lifting a hand to lay on his cheek.

Hiccup's eyes flit towards it as its warmth ends up on his skin and he needs to keep a hold on his breath, having a hard time keeping it under control. It's the biggest drawback to a lack of physical touch, the fact that every little thing makes his skin burn with a desire for more.

Astrid suddenly remembers Hiccup's believed aversion to touch, but before she can act on her realization and pull away, Hiccup leans into her hand. So she keeps it there, smiling as every little moment she gets to have with her boyfriend like this is a precious one.

But she has a point, he does feel awful. Viggo's offer and following threat aside, Hiccup hasn't been able to get his touches out of his head. He hates how they made him feel, still make him feel, Astrid's in comparison are much more enjoyable.

And then there is that deep, dark part of him that wants more.

Noticing Hiccup savoring her touch, she grows a little more daring and places her free hand on his other cheek and Hiccup takes her wrist and keeps them there, sighing in content.

Her hands are warm, they're soft though still calloused, and they belong to his girlfriend.

This moment makes Astrid wonder just why Hiccup doesn't like to be touched if he's taking such delight out of this. To her, this just screams a desire for more, and she's sad that he won't allow himself to have more for reasons he hasn't shared with them yet.

Meanwhile, Hiccup is savoring every second he gets because he knows this may be one of the last times he will get to enjoy it. There is no doubt in his mind that Viggo will make good on his threat and that means all of this, Astrid, the Gang, might end soon. It sounds like nonsense, but this fear is real to him.

So he holds Astrid's hands, hoping he can enjoy her warmth just a little while longer before he inevitably loses it all, all over again.

[navalcriminalimagines]

No Future

Anon : I was wondering if you could write this please: Imagine being Gibbs’s long term girlfriend but as a result of fearing the relationship isn’t going anywhere she leaves him. Then after some time she’s a witness in an investigation and Gibbs later will propose to her? Thank you!!

Anon : Gibbs x reader but angst?? Like full, pure heartbreaking angst :((

“Miss Y/L/N!” The Police Department Chief greeted you, “Congratulations on passing the Lieutenant exam!” he gently smiled at you.

“Thank you, Chief,” you smiled back and shook his hand. “I have a great mentor,” you took a look at your Captain, who has been your mentor since you joined the Unit. 

“I heard your fiancé is a federal Agent and he’s coming tonight?” the Chief asked. Jethro was just your boyfriend and not your fiancé but you didn’t have the courage to correct him. 

“He’s running late because of a case, he should be here soon,” you smiled before excusing yourself. You found an empty place in the ball room, and took your phone to see if Jethro had called to give you update. He didn’t, so you did. 

“Gibbs,” he answered after the second ring.

“Jethro, where are you?” you kept your voice low but you sounded angry anyway.

“At work, is something wrong?” he asked, sounding innocent. 

“You forgot, didn’t you?” Now you weren’t angry but hurt. 

“Forgot what?” 

“Nevermind. Goodbye Jethro,” you didn’t give him time to answer, you simply hang up. 

You tried to enjoy the rest of the night. It was a celebration for those to pass their exams, either as Captain, Lieutenant, Sergeant... you were one of them and you were proud. You wished Jethro was there by your side. You told everyone he was coming, he agreed to at first and now, he just forgot. Just like he forgot Valentine’s day, meeting your parents, your first and second anniversary. You were wondering if this really was a relationship. 

When you were called on the stand, your team was there to cheer for you. A few friends you made during your career but not your boyfriend. It only made you angrier and sadder. 

You left earlier than you probably should have, but your mood was so low. On the ride home, you considered stopping by Jethro’s house to tell him how you feel, but he will probably be waiting at your place. Because over two years dating, and you still have your own place... that’s another thing you can add to the list. 

Indeed, Jethro was there when you entered your apartment. He was sitting on the couch, nursing a beer. You didn’t greet him at first, just took off your coat and shoes off and directly walked to your bedroom to take this dress. You hated it, but you had to dress well for this event and also, you wanted to impress Jethro. To see sort of sparkles in his eyes when he would saw. Too much asking. 

He entered the bed while you were in your underwear, ready to put some comfy clothes on. “Celebration night. That’s what I forgot,” he said.

“Good job, Agent Gibbs. Did you find this on your own?” you answered without looking at him.

“You’re angry and you--” he tried to say but you turned around and threw such a stare at him, he stopped.

“I’m not angry, Jethro. I’m hurt. And disappointed. And in a very, very bad place right now,” 

“Can I make it up to you?” he asked, “I know apologies won’t change anything right now but I’m sorry, Y/N,” 

“I’m tired, Jethro,” you sighed, avoiding his apologies.

“Let’s go to bed then and we’ll figure this out tomorrow,” he offered. 

You stood still while your boyfriend undressed himself to get into bed-- with you.

“No,” you interjected, before he could get under the sheets. “I’m tired of--us. I’m tired of waiting. Tired of having to tell you what to do,” you said with tears in your eyes, “I’m tried of being in a relationship that has absolute future,” 

“W-What are talking about?” Jethro knew where this was going. And unfortunately, he understood your position. Because of his own fears, he never really got involved in this relationship. Knowing he wouldn’t sleep with you in his arms tonight, he put his clothes back on, while listening to you and your feelings.

“I can’t keep fighting for this relationship all by myself. I don’t even know why or how I’ve done it until now,” you paused to take a deep breath, his blue eyes were locked into yours. Was there tears in his eyes? “I’m not sure how I feel right now. One thing I do know is that-- I want a real relationship. Projects. A wedding and kids. I want to leave in the same as the man I love,” you paused, “Not to see him whenever he can or--wants,” 

Jethro looked everywhere in the bedroom except directly at you. He was trying to fight his tears back. Crying now won’t change a thing. He ruined this relationship, he knows it. He also knows you deserve so much better than what he can give you. You deserve better than him. He just nodded. He never was a big talker but right now, he had absolutely no words. 

He tried to walk to you. You were crying by now. “You are not even trying to fight to save us,” you stated. And this was breaking your heart a little more. A part of you wished he would try to talk to you into not breaking up with him. But he was just accepting it. “Did you ever love me, Jethro?” you asked, trying to look into his eyes but he kept avoiding your gaze. You couldn’t help but ask this. You needed to hear that those two years were real anyway. 

“I did,” he answered, “I still do,” he grabbed your face with his hands. He wanted to kiss so bad. And you wanted to push him away but you couldn’t. You were making a terrible decision, your heart was breaking but somehow, Jethro was the only one that could make it all right again. You wished he would.

“Can’t you even say those words? How hard is it to look at me and say “I love you”?” Those three words you never heard from him. 

“What would it change anyway?” 

“Right,” you breathed out. “It would change a damn thing. Because you don’t want it to change! If you’re okay with your loneliness, than there’s nothing that me or anyone else can do. At least, I tried,” you put your hands over his - that was still holding your face - and pushed them away. You took a step back, creating a space between Jethro and you. That was it.

“I hope you’ll find a way to be happy someday, Jethro,” you whispered. 

He nodded again, unable to say something worthy. But he needed one final physical contact with you before the end of those two years. In one movement, he closed the gap you created seconds ago and crashed his lips on yours. It was slow enough for you to push him away if you wanted but you couldn’t. You returned his kiss, one last time. You put your hands in his Marine cut one more time, he pressed your body against his - one last time. 

Both of you wished everything would stop at this very moment. But eventually, you and Jethro broke apart, out of breath. He gave you one final peck on your lips before kissing your hair. “I’m sorry,” you heard him whisper before he took off. 

It was better this way. For you, at least. You could be safe and happy. 

Part 2 in progress... :) 

TAGS : @kittenlittle24​ @diaryofafan17​ @littlemiss3ma​

[stevesnailbat]

fear of the (un)known | steve harrington

chapter five : reading between the lines

summary: Grace, or 007 as she had been called, finally escaped Hawkins Lab after seventeen long years. But, freedom is a lot harder than she thought it would be to maintain.

warnings: once again, angst! use of mind manipulation

word count: 2.3K

a/n: gif isn’t mine!! it’s from google, once again!

read the rest HERE!

Steve made his way over to the cabin almost every single morning, bringing along all of the books he could remember reading in school from elementary school and on. Grace and Steve started every day by reading something new, each day she learned new words and Steve helped her work through problems she had with them. She was a little embarrassed at first, to say the least; it’s not the coolest thing to be learning how to read at the age of seventeen, almost eighteen, years old. It felt weird to her, like she was a child again. There were many times when she wanted to give up, but Steve never let her.

“This is impossible, Steve. I don’t like this book.” Grace groaned, throwing the copy of A Wrinkle in Time onto the desk in front of her after having him correct her for the third time on one page.

“It’s not impossible! You’ve been doing so good, some of these words are just harder than the ones before. This one’s from two years after I read the last one.” Steve remarked, pointing to his copy of Where the Red Fern Grows that sat across the table.”You’re already so far! You can’t give up now, Grace.”

She shook her head quickly once he shoved the book back in her direction. Steve let out a sigh of frustration, narrowing his eyes at her frustration.

“Okay, how about you just read this one sentence? Just try this one, if you don’t get it, we can stop for the day.” he encouraged, sliding it to her again while pointing to the middle of the page absentmindedly.

“Fine. ‘I don’t think I want anybody else to see what—what gorgeous eyes you have’?” she quoted questionably, looking up at Steve once she finished.

He was staring down at her longingly as she spoke. Her brow was furrowed as she read, trying a little too hard to focus on the words in front of her. She wanted it to be perfect when she spoke. Steve barely noticed when she looked up at him, he could only think about what she just read as he stared into her ocean eyes. Her breath hitched in her throat when she noticed his stare, a rush of feelings running through her stomach.

“Yeah, good! That was—That was really good.” he said with a small smile, blushing deeply as he finally looked away from her. “We can stop if you want, or do you wanna keep going?”

She stared up at him for a moment, seeing the conflicted look in his eyes. A frown formed across her lips as she watched him fumble with the edge of the pages, a familiar feeling of guilt and temptation growing through her chest and throat. She wanted to know what he was thinking so badly, but she already had a hunch. Grace had told herself that she wouldn’t use her powers, she’d only try to drive him away through her frustrations and fake complaints, but it didn’t seem to be working. He still had that same look in his eyes, the same adoring look that he had given her when they were out in the snow with the party. She felt like she had to do something about it.

“We—We can stop for the day.” she said bluntly, the walls she’d built up and torn down for Steve were up once more.

“Are you sure? We could keep going, just until the end of the chapter?” Steve insisted, his eyebrows quirking up hopefully as he counted the pages.

Truthfully, he just wanted to spend more time with her, and she knew it. She looked up at him with a weak smile, shaking her head. She needed him out of the house for the day, she didn’t want to dig herself deeper into the hole that was made by her feelings for him.

“I just don’t wanna read anything else today, Steve.” Grace said simply, shutting the book while dog-earing the page. “We can finish it another day.”

“Okay, you don’t wanna read! We can just—I can read to you?” he questioned, sounding a little worried by her sudden change of attitude.

“No, not today.” she replied, narrowing her eyes at his insistence.

The look on Steve’s face was desperate, he felt like she was slipping away from him again. He’d just gotten through to her, he’d just dug deep enough to have a real conversation with her, and it was slipping away. The look on his face was what tempted her, really. She wanted his feelings to go away, she wanted them to be gone. Grace knew he deserved something much better than what she could give him.

“I—I just—“

“Grace, c’mon! We were really making progress today, weren’t we?” he implored, making her frown even deeper.

At this point, her brain was telling her two different things. The reasonable portion was telling her to tell him to leave, but the experimental portion was telling her to hurt him, make him want to leave her alone. She knew she—without her manipulative, self-destructive side—could never hurt Steve, not even if he did her wrong. But, she was halfway tempted by the little voice in her head, the voice telling her to read into him, the voice telling her to make him think differently of her. The temptation had been there for weeks now, ever since she agreed to let him be a tutor for her. It was getting to be too much.

The two of them locked eyes for a moment and Steve’s harsh expression went soft. She had tears in her eyes, but she looked a little more than upset, there was anger in her eyes. Grace looked at him and shook her head, as if to tell him to leave. Steve reached for her hand as his brow furrowed with confusion. The touch was enough to send the experimental part of her brain into a frenzy. She had deprived her mind of her powers for so long once more, and they jumped at the first opportunity to get to work.

“She’s not worth it.” she thought, the contact with his fingers enabling her to make Steve think he’d thought the words up himself. “You deserve better.”

If it hadn’t been for the drop of blood that dripped from her nose and the tear that slipped from her eye, Steve would have never known that she was in his mind. She couldn’t control what happened until she’d already slipped into his thoughts, something took over her mind and that something that was buried deep within her from that damned lab. Steve pulled away from her hand almost immediately, a look of betrayal crossing his face as he did. The fact that he caught on so quickly was surprising to her, honestly. But Steve had seen El use her powers too many times to just brush another nosebleed off like it was nothing.

“Is that really what you think?” Steve questioned, a bit of anger growing inside of him as he mulled the situation over. “You really think that you aren’t worth anything, don’t you?”

“Please, Steve—“

“No, Grace! You can’t—you can’t just make me feel what you want me to! That’s not how this works!” he argued, his words sounding a little more spiteful that he’d expected. “You’re playing dirty, that’s not how life works, Grace.”

“Yeah, you’re right. That’s not how life works. That’s how monsters and lab test subjects work, Steve.” she snapped back, narrowing her eyes at him as he grew angry with her. “I’m a monster, I need you to stop whatever you’re trying to do with me. It’s gonna end miserably and you’ll end up getting hurt.”

“Is this Grace talking, or is this the so-called monster talking?” Steve said in an almost mocking tone, making her flinch at his words. “You can’t tell me what’s good for me, only I can do that.”

“You don’t know what’s good for you, I know that.” she said with a water voice, her words falling softly on her lips to contrast his booming words. “You just want someone to comfort you right now, you’ll hate me soon, anyways. I do know what’s good for you, and it’s not me.”

“You can’t—“

“But I can! I just did, didn’t I?” she challenged, a bitter laugh escaping her lips as she shook her head.

“Grace, this isn’t you. You’re acting—“ he began, but cut himself off with a small, struggled sigh before he could say anything too detrimental.

“I’m what, Steve? What? Finish that sentence.” she dared while tears pooled in her eyes once more and he went silent, she could only think of a few things that he’d stopped himself from saying. “What were you gonna say? That I’m acting crazy? That I’m acting like a monster?”

Steve couldn’t look up at her as she drilled into him with her words, he didn’t want to hurt her. The words she’d slipped into his mind were stronger than he’d expected, he was fighting a strong feeling of artificial dislike with an even stronger feeling of something like love. He knew she was the strongest Hawkins Lab had trained, but he didn’t expect her powers to be this strong and self-destructive. Her mind was telling her to push him away so she could destroy herself too.

“Get out, Steve.” she whispered while staring at the table in front of her, her voice wavering as she spoke.

“No, I’m not leaving you here alone, Grace—“

“Monsters can take care of themselves, right?” she nearly growled, pointing to the front door. “Hopper will be home soon, I’m sure. You don’t need to pity me anymore, you’ve done enough.”

“Grace—“

“Steve. Leave, now.” she insisted, her voice was more sharp and threatening than before, the voices in her head were angry now.

Steve opened his mouth to protest, but decided against it. She was angrier now than he’d ever seen, he didn’t want to make it worse. He was conflicted, he didn’t want her to be all alone and have something happen like last time. A truck roared down the drive as if on queue when Steve stood from the kitchen table, Hop and El were back. Grace watched as he stormed from the house, he was still trying to process what had just happened as he slammed the door shut behind him. He wasn’t sure why he was angry, but he was. He wasn’t sure if it was with himself for leaving her, or if it was with her for trying to manipulate his thoughts.

Grace let out a small sob as the door slammed, her heart seeming to shatter at the sound. She rushed towards her bedroom, to make sure El and Hop didn’t see her tears, and closed the door behind her. There was a little bit of weight lifted off her shoulders by the fact that Steve was gone, but not enough to make her feel like he was safe from her anymore. The voices in her head seemed satisfied, like the anger she had towards Steve had satiated them. She buried her face into her pillow and let out another small sob, but was interrupted by a knock on her bedroom door right after.

“Hey, kid. You alright in there?” Hopper’s voice came from the other side of the door, his words laced with genuine concern. “Just saw Harrington storming’ outta here.”

“Yeah, I’m fine!” she lied through sniffles, hoping it was convincing enough to make him go away.

“Can I come in?” he implored, hand on the doorknob as he asked.

Hopper wasn’t very good at parenting teenage girls yet, but at least he was trying. She let out a small sigh of defeat, feeling guilty for shutting him out like usual. She couldn’t leave him and El both in the dark, especially after what had just happened. Grace rose from the bed and opened the bedroom door, looking up at the rough man in uniform with a somber frown. El was sitting on the couch, trying to look occupied with a book, but was eavesdropping on their conversation. Hop gave her an incredulous look, obviously not believing that she was fine, like she’d said she was. He noticed the smudge of blood that she’d missed right above her lip and let out a frustrated sigh; parenting two superhuman teen girls was tough.

“You wanna—uh—talk about it?” he offered, a sad smile tugged across his lips like a peace offering.

“I hurt him. I got into his mind, told him what to think of me,” she admitted quickly, shaking her head shamefully. “I couldn’t help it. It—It just happened. He thinks I’m a monster.”

“I don’t think the boy thinks you’re a monster.” he sighed, making his way to her desk chair as she sat on the edge of her bed. “He’s just angry. Hell, I’d be pissed if someone tried to change my mind. Anyone would.”

“I am a monster.” she said softly, a blush of embarrassment blooming on her cheeks.

“You’re not. Neither is El, you’re both humans, just a little out of the ordinary, that’s all.” he suggested, making her smile up at him weakly. “I think Harrington really likes you, y’know.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t part of the plan.” Grace sighed, staring down at her fingers as a sign that she didn’t want to have the conversation.

“I’ll leave you be, if you promise you’re not going to do anything stupid to yourself.” he responded with a knowing look, she nodded quickly.

Hopper was gone from the bedroom as quickly as he’d came and she was alone with her thoughts once again. She tried to think over what had just happened, to think over what she’d just done to Steve. She thought about how she should’ve felt satisfied, how she should’ve been happy now. She’d driven Steve away, just like she’d planned. He didn’t seem to want anything to do with her—or she thought he didn’t at least—but at what cost?

tags: @sourapplebaby @harringtown @jxnehxpper @charmed-asylum @daddystevee @queenofthehairharrington @heart-eye-harrington @hystericalmedicine @a-magey @lemonypink @karasong @batbatsupermanme @used-avocado @letscici @igotmadskills @mikariell95 @anerroroccurrrrred @blueberrylemontea-fanfic

[chenfordfeels]

The Rookie 2x02 Part 2

I'm way too excited! We are getting so much content and meaningful scenes between them that my chenford heart can't take it.

Before I start raving about Tim and Lucy, I would like to point out that I believe Armstrong will be (in)directly some sort of advocate for chenford. I find many similarities between him and Tim, for one they both use work as a copying mechanism and secondly they would never ask for help. Maybe one day he goes up to him and says "life is too short, tell her you love her before you lose her" or something like that.

Oh dear Tim! I'm literally tired of pointing out in every review that Tim is using work as a cover for most of his decisions, especially when it has to do with Lucy. He wants/needs her help and still manages to make it seem like a punishment, her having to suffer along with him in reading that book. Of course, Lucy is enjoying the book too much as it makes some valid points.

Alas, he is too cute for me to hold a grudge against him.

He is a man of many contradictions. He shared something about himself (he learns better when he is moving and hearing the material) so naturally without questioning why he was sharing something personal about himself with his boot. Of course, he looks so alarmed at her reaction and quickly shuts everything down the second Lucy talks about learning disabilities and Isabel helping him study in the past. Then, although, he is clearly holding a grudge against Lucy, he gets all protective when Rex (bounty hunter) calls her boot and doesn't correct him when he asks if Lucy speaks to him that way.

I want to point out two things: a) the variety of people Tim is friendly with will never cease to surprise me and b) Lucy being assertive is literally the best, she takes control when she has to with no apologies.

Does Tim seem a bit angrier than usual. I thought we were making progress since the pilot but it's like he has a lot of things bottled up.

Lucy is trying to help him, she even offers to read to him while on patrol but he leaves no room for discussion. Still, when they go to the suspects house they have each other's backs.

Before I scream about my favorite moment, I would like to say that for a guy who refuses any kind of help he definitely offers a helping hand to everyone. He is such a multilayered character and Eric Winter does an amazing job of portraying him.

She recorded an audio book for him!

As per usual she knows him and tries to help him as best as she can. The hours it must have taken to read and record the book... I can't even. No one can tell me that this gesture is purely out of friendship. Lucy cares about Tim in a deeper level, enough to contact Isabel and talk about him and his (learning) needs. She literally went out of her way! And don't get me started on his soft smile and soft eyes and soft thanks.

It is as if Lucy is giving him permission (I don't know if it is the right word) to be himself and telling him that it is okay to be different and at the same time compliments him.

There are so many things I want to say about this particular scene that would probably fill a thesis but I'm going to stop myself here before I hyperventilate from all the cuteness.

Leave your thoughts down below! 👇⬇️👇I would love to have a more in depth discussion about this episode and their relationship.

[galahadwilder]

We Break Things Down Just To Build Them Back Up Again

Chapter 4: Avoidance

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AO3

*

The mom friend override is working—Marinette hasn't flinched at the sound of Lila's voice all morning. Of course, Lila has barely been speaking all morning, thank the tiny gods, though that has nothing to do with her. They've started a unit on Vietnamese history, and, well... the version that the textbooks are teaching is... heavily sanitized.

It turns out that Kim may not know a lot about most things, but his family history? He knows really, really well. Most of morning class is spent with Kim actually correcting Mme. Bustier in progressively louder and angrier tones. (She seems to be aware that he's right, but can't officially acknowledge it.) Lila is, for once, staying out of it, which Marinette thinks is one of the wiser things she's done: this is too delicate a topic for the Italian girl to pretend expertise on, especially with the mood Kim's already in. One wrong word and he'll immediately turn his vitriol onto her.

The problem is that Kim is having some trouble articulating his thoughts, and he's getting more and more frustrated the more words escape him. And the angrier he gets, the more trouble he has speaking. It's a vicious cycle.

Everything he's saying is something Kim's grandmother had explained to Marinette a few years ago. She and Kim had been closer when they were younger—as two of the only Asian students in a school full of predominantly European and North African origins, they shared a number of experiences that their classmates didn't quite understand, despite the differences between their cultures. So normally she'd be leaping in to back him up, to help him find the words, to—

Her hands are shaking. Her heart is slamming against her ribs. She knows that if she speaks up, she becomes a target. No matter what she does, Lila will immediately go on the offensive, find a way to attack her, to silence her, to turn her words against her. Even if she's supporting Kim, Lila will make it sound like she's being condescending towards him or needlessly antagonizing Mme. Bustier or something, and...

And this is exactly what Adrien has been doing to her, she realizes. This is how he feels all the time.

She squeezes her eyes shut and gouges her fingernails into her palms, tuning out Kim and Mme. Bustier's argument and focusing her mind's eye on the blond boy sitting in front of her. This beaten-dog feeling is all too familiar to her—Chloé had pounded it into her over years of shared classes, and she'd only managed to break it thanks to Alya, Tikki, and Chat Noir. And even then it still came back sometimes before Lila retargeted it.

...and Chloé has been Adrien's only friend for eleven years. Oh, Kwami, this just keeps getting worse, doesn't it?

She zones back into class and realizes that Kim has gone quiet. Bustier is continuing with her lecture, but she seems embarrassed. Marinette's willing to bet she's going to apologize to Kim later, and admit he's right. Only in private though.

She tunes Bustier back out again—she's saying something terribly incorrect and colonialist, and Alya's pencil is creaking under the pressure of her angry fingers. Most of the class seems kind of annoyed, actually, though whether at Bustier, Kim, or the French school system, Marinette couldn't say.

Come lunchtime, the atmosphere in the classroom is downright frosty, and everything that Marinette is is screaming at her to fix it. But somehow she doesn't think anyone is going to let her. Anything she says will make her a target for Lila and she doesn't really have anyone in her corner.

Her mother's words from last night come back to her: "You have a big heart, but you need to look after yourself first." But... helping other people is part of who she is. She's Ladybug for Kwami's sake. She needs to feel useful. She just needs to fix one thing today; doesn't matter what it is, she needs to help someone.

So it's a relief when Adrien turns to her as soon as the bell rings, teeth digging into his lip. "Uh, hey... Mari?" he says, his voice rough.

Her heart slams into her ribs immediately, and she has to swallow down anxiety bile at the thought that oh god he hates me why did I break into his bedroom he's going to call the police and I'll never see him again. "What's up?" she chokes out. They're way past the point of calling cops.

Adrien's face falls. "I..." he begins in a whisper, staring at the floor. "I don't want to go home for lunch." He clenches his hands, his whole body tight.

Marinette can't miss the tension in his frame. "What do you need?" she says, heedless of Alya and Nino staring at them.

Adrien starts, his stunned emerald eyes locking on hers. "I..." His hand twitches, flaps, and he does something that's sort of like a snap but not quite. Relief spreads across his face. "Can I..."

"Of course," Marinette says with an unnaturally steady voice, her heart bursting in her chest like a balloon on the end of a fire hose, utterly heedless of the students who are beginning to file out of the classroom. "I told you. You're always welcome." She rests her chin on her fist and smiles despite the pounding of blood in her ears. "You don't even have to ask."

Alya glances between them. "What just happened?" she says.

Nino narrows his eyes. "I think Adrien just asked Nettie to invite him over for lunch."

*

"Thank you for not telling them," Marinette says as they cross the street between the school and the bakery. "About..." The muscles in her arm tighten with nerves, and she flaps her hand, letting the tension bleed out through the sudden movements. "You know, me breaking into your room."

Adrien glances at her hand, smiles as they step up to the curb. "You're doing that more often," he says.

She holds up her hand with a soft smile and snaps a few times. "The more I do it," she says, "the more comfortable you'll get with doing it."

Adrien grins, biting his lip with his front teeth. "You're amazing," he says.

She feels her face squeeze from the rush of extra blood, and immediately loses track of her feet. Which promptly smack against the leg of one of the chairs on the bakery patio. She shrieks, bracing for chin to strike table, but instead she feels the familiar crushing pressure of Adrien's arms across her chest.

"Whoa, Princess," he says, his voice stronger and faster than she's ever heard it, yet somehow achingly familiar. "Can't have you falling for me."

She squeaks, sliding out of his hands into the chair. She tripped and he caught her and he said—he said—oh gods, everything about what just happened is a disaster she needs to move to Tibet.

"Mari?" he says. "Are you—"

"I'm going to explode, thank you!" she yelps, drawing her feet up onto the seat of the chair and hugging her knees to her chest, curling up into a fetal position. Even with as small as she is, she barely fits her whole body onto the seat.

"Mari, I'm sorry," Adrien says, sliding to his knees in front of her. "I—I forgot."

"Forgot?" she whispers, looking up at him through her bangs. "Forgot what?"

Adrien swallows. "That..." His fist clenches, and he pulls it close to his chest.

She reaches out to pull his arm out, holding it between them. "Stim if you need to," she says.

Instead, Adrien's fingers creak open. "I forgot you said you were in love with me," he whispers.

Marinette's breath turns to ice in her lungs.

"Didn't... mean to make fun of you for it," he adds, looking away.

She opens her mouth, tries to speak, "I—I—I..." she starts, trying to force the words out around the anxiety-blockage in her throat, but her brain is stuck on the first word like a record where the needle keeps skipping. "I, I—I don't... I—I'm..."

He collapses backward, falling onto his ass, his eyes wide with shock. "Mari?" he gasps. "Are you—"

She presses her palms into her eyes, crushing them into her skull, and screams.

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[holidaywishes]

All Roads Lead To You III

Part 3: The Island

  Summary of series: JJ took a job at the old Samson Estate – mostly mowing lawns, cleaning Mr. Samson’s yacht and serving at his dinner parties – for the sole purpose of distracting himself from the fact that he seemed to be the only one left from the crew. Sarah and John B. were still “lost at sea” after almost a year and Pope and Kie were… well, they were becoming Pope and Kie, so he needed something to occupy his time. When a new girl comes to town, JJ thinks it’s the perfect way to let off some steam but it may be more difficult than he anticipated.

  Summary of chapter: Everyone gets “stranded” on an island for Alexis’ birthday.  

  Warning: trigger warning for talk of abuse and alcholism, catcalling? Inappropriate flirting?, fighting, getting some hints of romance yay

   Author’s Note: Hello, lovely humans, I’m feeling rejuvenated after watching the Leafs vs Habs game Tuesday night and I wanted to continue writing this series. For those that are reading this little series, I hope you’re enjoying it and that you continue to enjoy it.

  masterlist

  the other masterlist

xx

JJ’s P.O.V.

  After Addy had called you out on lying about teaching her cousin how to surf, you tried to think of a way to tell Alexis that you two had to come up with a new plan.

  “ALEXIS!” you shouted when you finally found Alexis, “where have you been? we need to talk...”

  “What’s going on?” she scoffed as you dragged her to the side of the house, pulling her arm away and furrowing her brow at you

  “She knows.” you stated and waited for Alexis to catch on

  “Who knows what?” she answered mindlessly

  “Your cousin. She knows we’re lying. She knows I’m not teaching you how to surf”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “She wants to see how much progress you’ve made. At your birthday party.”

  “What?” she said, leading you to roll your eyes

  “She went on and on about how your parents would get you anything you wanted, including Gold Medal surf instructors, and how both your families were from Old Money--”

  “She said that?”

  “Can you focus for a second?”

  “Fine whatever, continue” she scoffed

  “I had to tell her that you were keeping it a secret from your parents until you could get better. So, now, she’s invited me to this... party for you so I can be there to show her how good you’ve gotten...”

  “WHAT?!” she yelled before you shushed her, “why would you tell her that? Why would you tell her anything? Why were you even talking to her?”

  “She was talking to me, I didn’t want to be rude. Her dad is my boss you know?”

  “Shit” she whispered the same way you had when Addy had left the room after inviting you to the party

  “What are you gonna do?” you asked, stepping back

  “Me? No no no, you’re in this now. You’ve been invited to the party. We’ll have to.. tell her. The truth.”

  “I can’t lose this job”

  “Uncle Ben isn’t going to fire you,” she sighed, “not because of this anyway.”

  “What does th--”

  “Maybe she’ll back down if we paddle board to start with...” she interrupted, “maybe we can trick her into thinking that we’d already gone surfing?”

  “How?” you groaned

  “Switch boards whenever she sees us in the water?” she shrugged

  “This is stupid. Just tell her.”

  “This is your fault. I can’t believe you couldn’t keep this secret for one day!”

  “My fault?” you scoffed, watching her emphatically nod her head at you, “this is your lie!”

  “Alexis!” the two of you whipped your head around when you heard her mom call for her, “time for dinner sweetheart. Where are you?”

  “I have to go.” she stated

  “You better figure this out before tomorrow!” you called after her and she shook her head as she continued to run toward her mother’s voice. You knew she wasn’t going to tell her cousin but you weren’t going to either, so at this point it was just going to be a game of chicken.

xx

Alexis’ P.O.V.

  You hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep last night as you tried to think of a way to get out of telling Addy that you weren’t learning how to surf. Every time an idea came to mind, you’d just picture her face and her voice breaking as she told you she ‘couldn’t believe you lied’ to her. Nothing you could think up didn’t end with her being upset with you, but JJ had said she already knew so maybe it wasn’t as upset as you thought.

  “Lexi!” you heard your cousin yell as she walked through the front door of your house, “Happy 18th Birthday, Lady! You ready to go?” she called from the stairs

  “Go?” you questioned, popping out of your room just before she got there, “its like 9am”

  “We have a bunch of stuff to get sorted before we get on the Yacht” she answered with a smile

  “Like..?”

  “We have to set up all the tents.” she replied, simply, before turning on her heels and walking back toward the staircase, “hurry up. Brody is meeting us up at the dock.”

  “Brody?” you questioned, following after her as she skipped downstairs, “like Brody Langford? When did you see him? Why did you see him?”

  “I went down to the dock to see if anyone knew of somewhere we could camp. Rafe Cameron is coming by the way?” she said plainly, “so I hope you’re okay with that.. he said he knew you, he gave me the idea for this island... it was a whole thing. Anyway, as I was leaving to come back home, I bumped into Brody and told him he should meet us at the dock before we get on the Yacht.”

  “You’re just inviting everyone aren’t you?” you scoffed, crossing your arms as you stopped by the door frame, “Rafe, Brody, JJ...”

  “Are you mad?” she asked, “I honestly thought you would’ve already invited JJ...”

  “Why would you think that? Because you think there has to be something going on between us?” you sneered

  “Whoa calm down,” she replied calmly, stepping toward you, “I just meant I thought you guys were friends and that you’d invited him because you wanted your friends there. That’s it.”

  “Oh,” you corrected, relaxing your posture as you did so, “I don’t know if we’re really friends... I should tell you actually. He’s --”

  “Not teaching you how to surf?” she interrupted and you shook your head, making Addy laugh softly, “I know, Lex. Why did you lie though? Did you think I would care?”

  “Honestly? It’s going to sound so dumb”

  “Well now you have to tell me!” she laughed, continuing to the car

  “I just wanted to have something on you. You’re so... everyone loves you. Without you even having to try and I just wanted to have something that you didn’t. Like being a good surfer.”

  “Lexi...” she cooed, tilting her head sympathetically at you, “It just looks like people love me. But I promise, it’s only here. And it’s only because I’m new. They don’t know me. For some reason, that makes me mysterious to them...”

  “I think it’s more than that” you said, looking down at your lap while your cousin backed out of the driveway

  “What can I do to prove it?” she finally said, “that they just think I’m a mystery and that’s it’s not the same in New York?”

  “Tell me the truth why you left...” you said under your breath, hoping she didn’t hear. Addy’s departure from OBX had left Figure 8 with a lot of questions. The story was that she had been accepted into a prestigious boarding school that was letting her start mid-semester so she had to leave right away but that didn’t stop everyone from speculating.

  Was she a problem child? Could her parents not handle her? Was the family giving up the Estate and moving to New York and wanted to give Adelaide a chance to settle in before they got there? Did her parents put her in an institution? Was she crazy? Or was she just going to visit her aunt for the summer?

  Even within the family, the questions were never answered and her parents really didn’t have a lot of contact with her, which only fueled rumours of her being in a mental institution. You were the closest person to her and, still, you got the textbook Boarding School story that you could tell she’d rehearsed a million times before. You wanted to know why she left. You knew there had to be more to the story than a boarding school. When she didn’t reply to you, you took that as her not hearing you

  “Tell me why you left,” you repeated, “the truth, Addy.” You saw her let out a deep sigh before pulling into an empty parking lot. She turned off the engine and turned her body to face you, pursing her lips side to side as she thought about how to start

  “It’s complicated” she started

  “I don’t ca--”

  “So I need you to not interrupt. If you have questions,” she interrupted you, “I’ll understand but I need to get through everything before you ask any questions okay?” she asked and you nodded in return. “You remember how clumsy and... hyper I was as a kid right? Both of us, hell, all of us kids were like that. Always running around, often breaking things in our wake.” The two of you laughed but hers trailed off quickly before she had to clear her throat, “you remember Uncle Mike? How drunk he would get? How violent he could get?” A million thoughts were running through your head as she spoke but you could only nod as she spoke, “At one of our block parties, you had gotten sick from too many clams or something and went home, so I was the only kid left with a bunch of adults laughing at some golf jokes I didn’t find funny. So.. naturally, I tried to find ways to entertain myself. A lot of that involved me running around the Estate with balloons or blowing bubbles, or whatever kids do. While I was running around, I bumped into Uncle Mike, when he was already pretty drunk, and he dropped the bottle of beer he was holding. I went inside to grab the dust pan and some gloves to pick it up -- like mom and dad taught me --” she stopped just long enough for the two of you to raise your eyebrows at each other, since you both knew what she was talking about, “anyway, he followed me inside and started yelling at me. With this half broken glass bottle in his hand just pointing at me and I started crying, which seemed to only make him angrier. I called for my Dad, but he didn’t hear me, so I started to run to find them but Uncle Mike kind of grabbed my arm and I fell back... into the jagged edges of the bottle.” Your eyes went wide and your mouth dropped. Surely she was just exaggerating. He never hurt her. Your family would’ve said something so that no one else would get hurt. You wanted to ask but you were keeping them until the end, like she’d asked, “Mom and Dad finally found me, and I was losing a lot of blood. Really quickly. So they drove me to the hospital. After that, I didn’t really see Uncle Mike again. None of us did.” There was a long pause and you thought she was finished

  “But I remember that Block Party, you were still here after that. You were gone the next summer...” you furrowed your brow and she scowled slightly as if to tell you she wasn’t finished

  “Even though, he wasn’t around and I was fine, healed and all that. I kept having nightmares. Thinking that he was just going to show up again in a rage. I stopped sleeping. I missed a lot of classes because I was too exhausted to pay attention. So, my parents decided they’d send me to a shrink in New York. And I went.”

  “But you never came back. They didn’t go with you.” you stated

  “Alexis...” she sighed

  “I know, I’m sorry” you replied, gesturing for her to continue

  “It was only supposed to be a couple visits. They’d fly me out, I’d stay with Aunt Sally and they’d fly me back. But the shrink said that a lot of my fear came from knowing that the island is so small that Uncle Mike could still get to me if I was alone. So, the shrink suggested I move to the city permanently and that it would be best if mom and dad came as well. But they didn’t. Dad made some claim to Aunt Sally that the Estate needed someone from the family, from the Samson name, to take care of it or else it would fall apart. Mom... she wasn’t going to leave her husband. So, they let me leave. They let me stay away from all of this,” she gestured around her, “and then they stopped calling. Writing. They wanted me to get better but I could tell that it was like a ‘stain on the name.’ Like somehow, I had embarrassed them.”

  “Can I..?” you started, gauging if she was finished and she nodded, “I don’t want to sound... How do I know that you’re not over exaggerating? That you didn’t just trip and go into the hospital for something else but you’re remembering it differently?” she smiled at you and you realized she’d expected this question for you. She turned around and lifted her shirt up, revealing a curved scar on her hip from where the glass had punctured her skin.

  “Nothing was damaged. No organs or arteries or blood vessels. But I’ll have this scar forever to remind me that our Uncle was a mean, nasty drunk.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Honestly? It seemed so trivial.” she admitted and you tilted your head, “as far as I knew, Uncle Mike was gone. He wasn’t around anyone in the family. My dad had banned him from our property and it was his own brother, so that said something for my dad to do that. I just... I didn’t think you needed to worry if you weren’t in danger. I had made a life for myself in New York and my parents were trying to keep their reputation clean, you know?”

  “But wasn’t this like an isolated thing?” you asked and she sighed, letting her shirt fall back down as she turned back to face you

  “Sort of. This was an accident brought on by his alcohol abuse. He was a drunk and he was bound to hurt someone again, which is why my parents sent him to rehab. And that apparently didn’t take...” she dropped her head, “I should’ve told you and I’m sorry I didn’t. But now you know..” You leaned in to hug her and she hugged you back, letting out a scoff, “are we ready to go now?”

  “Yes” you exclaimed, wiping a tear that had begun to fall from your eye and the two of you continued to the dock. You thought that she might consider staying in OBX know that you knew what had happened all those years ago because she seemed happy here. Happier than you’d seen her in a while. And you just wanted your favourite cousin back.

xx

Addy’s P.O.V

  Telling Alexis about your Uncle felt better than you’d expected but you could tell she thought this had changed your mind. It hadn’t. You couldn’t stay here. New York was home. OBX was... family. It didn’t matter how much you loved your cousin, your history with this place made you weary of staying for too long.

  “Thought you weren’t going to make it!” Brody called as you and Alexis exited your car, “if we want to set everything up and get back here in time, we gotta book..”

  “Get the boat ready!” you smiled as you yelled to him, running toward the boat with Alexis on your heels

  “Brody,” she said, outstretching her hand jokingly as you got on the boat, “good to see you again...” He laughed at the interaction and Alexis broke her seriousness before they both got on the boat and Brody sailed the three of you to the Island.

  “So, everything is out there. We just have to set them up. Can you two manage that?” he joked

  “We’ll figure it out” you laughed. Shortly after, you’d made it to the Island and, you had to hand it to Rafe, it was the perfect spot to get away from the crowds. You took in all the tents that Brody had managed to space out perfectly along the island; leaving just enough space for a bonfire to be the centre of all the tents.

  “Well holy shit,” Alexis said with exasperation, “how many people are coming?” You laughed as she looked around the island at all the tents the three of you began to set up

  “Everyone is coming. I invited everyone. We invited everyone,” you gestured between you and her before going back to setting up the tent in front of you, “look, your mom gave me a guest list and you gave me a guest list. I wasn’t sure how many of the ‘country clubbers’ were gonna stay, so I just got enough tents that everyone would have somewhere to sleep.”

  “That’s nice of you” she laughed and you smiled to yourself

  “Alright. Very cute. Very nice. But now we have to rush to finish everything before your parents expect you, both, on the Yacht” Brody chided while you and Alexis mocked him when he turned his back, laughing when you caught the other teasing him. A few hours later, the tents were set up and Brody took you and Alexis back so you could grab everything you needed for the weekend before you’d meet back up.

  “See you on the Yacht” Alexis joked to Brody

  “See you there.” He laughed and waved goodbye as the two of you ran toward your car

xx

JJ’s P.O.V.

  You got asked, like you knew you would, to come along with Mr. Samson to hand out hors d’œvres to Alexis’ guests and you obliged. It didn’t take long for you to realize what Addy was talking about

  “Once you have one, you’ll realize how truly overindulgent and pointless they are.” Her words about Yacht parties ran through your mind as you watched the Kooks drink entire bottles of Champagne or leave half empty bottles around the Yacht while completely ignoring your existence.

  “Having fun?” Pope asked from behind you

  “What are you doing here?” you asked, shocked to see your friend there

  “Working, like you.” He replied and you rolled your eyes before making your rounds again, “JJ, we have to talk.” He added but you tried to ignore him, “Kie and I don’t want you to distance yourself from us. We love you. We’re worried about you.”

  “Leave it alone, Pope.” You groaned as Kook after Kook emptied both yours and Pope’s trays

  “We have to talk at some point. Why are you still clinging to the idea that he’s still alive? Have you heard something from him?”

  “No, Pope. I haven’t.” You sneered, turning to him quickly as you went to refill the tray, “I just don’t think it’s right to give up on him. He wouldn’t give up on us.”

  “Maybe he would.” He replied and you scoffed, brushing him off. You stood back from the guests, deciding not to walk around with the hors d’œvres for a bit until you saw Addy at the Bow, someone familiar hanging around her

  “Hors d’œvre?” you asked, presenting the tray in front of her and she laughed

  “Thanks Pogue” Rafe smiled sarcastically at you and you had to physically bite your tongue to restrain yourself, while Addy looked up at him and back at you

  “What is it?” she asked, forcing you to stop glaring at Rafe long enough to answer her

  “Crab Puffs, I think,” you answered, just as she was about to take one, “no sorry. Shrimp Puffs”

  “Oh,” she giggled, “I can’t. I’m allergic.”

  “Are you trying to kill her?!” Rafe yelled

  “What?” you and Addy said to him

  “Calm down,” she added, “it was just a small mistake. No one’s trying to kill anyone.”

  “How could you not know what you’re serving?!” Rafe continued to yell, causing enough of a scene that Mr. Samson made his way over to the three of you

  “What is going on here?” he said sharply

  “Mr. Samson, I--”

  “He tried to kill your daughter!”

  “What?” Mr. Samson gasped, furrowing his brows at Rafe’s statement

  “Stop!” Addy said, “nothing happened. Just something with the hors d’œvres, not a big deal.” He picked one of the Shrimp Puffs up and lifted it up to his nose to smell it

  “Shrimp?!” he raised his voice slightly, “take these back! We’ll talk about this later.” You nodded at his response and made your way into the small kitchen space where the food was.

  “JJ!” you heard Addy call to you, “wait! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get you in trouble. Rafe shouldn’t h--”

  “You need to stay away from him.” You stated plainly, turning your body quickly to face her, your bodies meeting instantly and you could feel her breath on your exposed skin, “he’s not who you think he is.”

  “And who is it I think he is?” she asked, stepping away from you

  “A good guy?”

  “Did I say that?” she said, raising her eyebrow at you

  “I just assumed, because you were hanging around him..?”

  “He was hanging around me. I haven’t been able to shake him since he boarded. Believe me, I’ve been trying.” she scoffed, “look, I’ll talk to my dad about the shrimp. He shouldn’t have gotten so upset. It could’ve happened to anyone.” Just then, someone clinked their glass and speeches began, “I should.. go out there. Find Alexis you know” she smiled at you as she skipped onto the deck, stopping at the door frame and you returned her smile with a bright one of your own. “See you around” she said and you dropped your eyes to the ground, trying to hide your smile that hadn’t seem to go away just yet.

  “Our little Alexis is all grown up. 18! It seems like just yesterday, you and little Adelaide were climbing the trees in the backyard while your father and I were terrified that you’d fall.” Alexis’ mom spoke to the crowd, reminiscing on her daughter’s childhood. Bringing up stories from every year of her life, something you’d never be able to hear your dad do for you, “Adelaide, Addy, sweetie, we’re so glad you were able to come back for Lexi’s 18th birthday. You’re her favourite cousin. Her ride or die,” Alexis’ mom pointed at the two of them, so they could finish whatever joke they shared

  “‘Til the end of time” you heard them return, giggling between themselves and Mrs. Carter continued with her speech, while you handed out Champagne flutes to the guests before she finished.

  “JJ!” Pope whispered, you had almost forgotten he was there and you jumped at his voice beside you, “talk to me.”

  “Not now, Pope.” The two of you finished handing out glasses and made your way away from the crowd, where the other staff stood. You watched as Addy laughed with her cousin, sipping on the Champagne that she’d been given, and you realized that Alexis was right. You were falling for her. But you knew there was no way a girl like her could ever feel the same.

xx

Addy’s P.O.V.

  You watched as Alexis was showered with love from the country clubbers and her family’s friends that her mom insisted you invite. As the night drug on, it was clear to you that you didn’t belong here, in this world; ever more so evident when your dad had yelled at JJ for accidentally almost giving you shrimp. After you’d told JJ that you’d talk to your dad about it, his face seemed to soften toward you, more than it had in the short time he’d known you and you found yourself thinking about his shy smile. The party was winding down and the Yacht was making it’s way to The Island, so everyone began gathering what they needed and more or less threw it in the staff’s direction. You scoffed at their rudeness and asked if there was anything you could do to help as you organized the bags into a neater pile. They shook their heads as the boat docked and everyone exited hastily; you looked around to find Alexis, catching JJ’s eyes briefly before he looked away.

  “I think everyone’s really drunk,” Alexis said, watching everyone rush to find tents, “maybe we shouldn’t have a fire...”

  “If everyone sits down, maybe they’ll sober up.” You replied, knowing it wouldn’t work out that smoothly but wanting to help Alexis have a good birthday. As people popped in and out of their tents, you found a seat in front of the bonfire that Brody was slowly building

  “How do you think it’s turning out?” he asked you

  “I didn’t think the adults would let the kids drink so much” you laughed, looking at the drunk teenagers who began to sit on the logs in the sand

  “They probably didn’t know, or care” he smiled. It didn’t take long until the entire group had gathered around the fire and Alexis made a toast with a bottle of beer she had gotten from a cooler you didn’t even know was there.

  “Thank you all for coming out and celebrating my 18th birthday with me. Thank you to my beautiful cousin who came all the way from New York City to plan this for me. I don’t care what you all do the rest of the night or the weekend, just know that we’re stranded here until the adults come back. Keep that in mind before you do anything stupid.” You could hear the alcohol beginning to affect her as her words began to connect to each other and she fumbled when she sat down.

  “I don’t think she’s going to make it very long,” Brody whispered to you as he leaned in, “maybe we should put her in her tent so she can lie down?”

  “I’d rather keep her out here. Where I can watch her.” you added and Brody shrugged, straightening his posture. The night consisted of the kids yelling and drinking and settling enough for someone to play a few chords on a guitar.

  “It’s been so long since you were here, Addy,” Brody said, the few beers he had causing his speech to slur and he moved closer to you, “why did you leave in the first place?”

  “School. You know that Brody...” you said plainly, scooting to the side in an attempt to distance yourself from him

  “But you could’ve come back to visit us in the summer...” he crowded your space once more, “we all missed you..”

  “This guy bothering you, Addy?” You looked up to find Rafe in front of you with his arms crossed and you shook your head, not wanting anything more to come from it but that didn’t stop Brody from arguing

  “Aww, Cameron thinks he’s a tough guy. Or a good guy,” Brody taunted, “too bad he’s neither.” Rafe clenched his jaw before pushing Brody back and you decided it was time to take your cousin to her tent and call it a night. You thought you saw JJ out of the corner of your eye but you couldn’t be sure that he even got off the Yacht in the first place, so you just let it be.

  “See, I told you,” she mumbled, “everyone loves you. They’ll all fight over you and you don’t even have to do anything to get them to do it..” You furrowed your brow before shaking your head

  “They’re just being stupid boys. They’re drunk. They’d fight over a torn shirt...”

  “But they’re fighting over you..” she repeated and you shushed her, bringing the sleeping bag up to cover her, lulling her to sleep

  “Addy..” someone whispered from outside the tent but you ignored it, “Addy!” Rafe whispered as he finally entered the tent, “he should never have been bothering you.”

  “I’m fine, Rafe. I can handle myself.” you countered as he moved closer to you, closing the small gap that was between the two of you

  “I’m sure you can...” you could smell the beer on his breath as he leaned in to kiss you, when all of a sudden he was torn away and out of the tent. When you rushed out to see what was going on, you found JJ and Rafe toppling over each other in a fist fight.

  “JJ STOP!” A girl you hadn’t seen before yelled, “JJ! ENOUGH!” It didn’t seem to work or he didn’t hear her because he continued to throw punches at Rafe, connecting with his jaw hard enough that he was drawing blood. The crowd that was gathering larger around them cheered the fight on and you shook your head in disbelief, calling for the fight to stop as well

  “STOP!” you cried, catching the girls eye as she called to JJ one more time, “BOTH OF YOU, STOP! PLEASE!” Rafe had managed to over power JJ enough to get him on the ground and punch him until JJ’s face was cut and bruised

  “RAFE!” someone shouted but he didn’t stop, not until JJ took over the fight once more, pushing Rafe onto the ground and laying more punches to the boys face

  “JJ!” you called finally, leading the blonde boy to look back at you with his fist pulled back, his hair flopping lazily in front of his eyes. He must have seen the worry on your face because he let go of Rafe’s shirt and got up from where he was, making his way to the end of the tents to wherever his was. You were breathing heavily at what all had just happened, looking at Rafe’s bloody face and the blood that seemed to stain the sand. When you looked up, you found the girl from earlier staring at you like you’d just been bombarded by fish on land; you furrowed your brow before checking on Alexis quickly and when you stood back up, the girl was gone. “Lexi?” you asked your now-unconscious cousin, “Lexi? I’m just going to check on JJ... are you okay?” She groaned and you bit your lip, contemplating whether or not you should leave her. Ultimately deciding you wouldn’t be gone for long, so you grabbed the first aid kit, zipped up the tent and made your way to find JJ.

  “Who is she?” you heard a voice shout, you peaked from behind one of the tents to find the girl from earlier yelling at JJ

  “She’s my boss’s daughter” he answered and the girl growled

  “A Kook?!” she yelled, “not even just any Kook, though, no. A Samson. What are you doing?”

  “Nothing Kiara!” he yelled back, standing up to gain more dominance on his friend, making you shift back so he didn’t see you, “I’m not doing anything. It was Rafe Fucking Cameron. I didn’t want her getting hurt”

  “Why? Because you think that’ll cost you your job too?” Kie snarled, “you won’t lose your job over every little thing, JJ. You need to stop worrying about this family and start worrying about your own!”

  “MY OWN?!” you could hear his anger start to overcome him and you dropped your eyes to the ground, thinking you should just go back, “I don’t have my own family. My best friend is gone. He’s disappeared and my other best friends have completely moved on. My mom is gone and my dad is... not worth it.”

  “You still have us, JJ” she tried, her voice softening at his confession

  “No, I don’t.” He replied, defeated, sitting down as she said her final words

  “Why her?” she said and you peered back from behind the tent, “if she’s just your boss’s daughter, and nothing is going on between you two, why would you be so affected by her?“

  “What are you talking about?” he looked up at her and she tilted her head before dropping her jaw

  “I saw the way you looked at her. The way you stopped everything you were doing when you saw her face. But you wouldn’t listen to me. You didn’t even hear me. So.. why her?” JJ was silent, for longer than either you or Kie thought he’d be, making her scoff at his lack of response before walking away. You heard the unzipping of the tent and took a deep breath to bring yourself to walk over to where he was.

  “JJ?” you called when you were outside of his tent, not wanting to disturb him more than you were about to

  “Addy?” he answered, surprised to see you here, “what’s up? are you okay?”

  “Me?” you questioned with a laugh, “I should be asking you-- that’s why I’m here. I wanted to check on you.” You lifted the first aid kit up and shook it lightly as you spoke

  “I’m fine,” he said snidely, “you can go back to the Kooks.”

  “What is all this Pogue, Kook, Cut crap?” you snapped, “I feel like an idiot because I have no idea what any of you are talking about...” He laughed at your outburst before inviting you inside his tent

  “Pogue’s are me and my friends. The lowest on the totem pole,” he explained, “we live in the Cut. The South Side. The Kooks are... well your people.” You pointed at yourself and gasped, raising your eyebrows exaggeratedly, “the rich families who live on Figure 8. The north side.”

  “So.. why the battle?” you continued, “I mean.. rich kids are obnoxious anywhere so why fight with them over this kind of thing”

  “Spoken like a true Kook” he laughed while you prepared the antibiotics

  “I’m serious. You could just... prove them wrong about you. Just because you come from two different classes doesn’t mean you have to play into those roles”

  “Maybe not in New York City,” he joked, “but here. Yeah. You kinda do.” He replied. You unwrapped a disinfectant wipe and began to dab at the cuts on his face, when he winced suddenly you pulled back

  “I’m sorry” you whispered and he smiled, letting you know that he was fine so you continued cleaning his wounds. “Thank you,” you added, “for what you did. You didn’t have to, and you probably shouldn’t have, but thank you anyway.” You caught his stare as you finished cleaning a cut on his lip with the disinfectant wipe, feeling your breath shallow in your chest

  “Anytime” he responded when you tore your eyes away and you could feel a smile on his voice as he spoke. You asked him to hold onto some bandages so you could grab them after you put on some antibacterial cream; repositioning yourself so you were facing him more directly, pushing your hair to one side, exposing your neck; feeling his shallow breaths creep across your skin as he moved closer to you

  “Who was that girl? Kiara?” you asked, suddenly and he leaned back, forcing you to stop what you were doing, “I heard you two arguing. Is she.. your girlfriend?” The words came out of your mouth more hesitantly than you expected

  “No, Kie’s one of my best friends...” he said, drifting away from you even further, “she’s just mad because our friend... I haven’t... It’s complicated.” You nodded, raising your hands to bring his face closer to you again but he flinched so you put your hands up to show you weren’t planning on hurting him. He laughed and moved close to you again, you began dabbing small amounts of the cream on the cuts around his eye first, before moving to his cheekbone, placing a butterfly stitch on each as you finished

  “Am I hurting you?” you asked when you saw his jaw tense and release

  “I’ve gone through worse” he replied and you furrowed your brow

  “That’s not what I asked,” you laughed and he looked up at you, clearly caught off guard by your response, “I don’t care if you’ve been set on fire before. What I’m asking is if you’re in pain right now. If I’m hurting you right now..?” He smiled at you before shaking his head and lessening the gap between the two of you before your fingers found their way to the cut on his lip, dabbing a small amount of cream on the outside of his bottom lip and placing a butterfly stitch there; wiping off any residue. He continued to move closer to you, your lips almost touching and you could feel the tension rising as your breath continued to shallow, staying solely in your chest as his eyes danced between your lips and your eyes.

  “I don’t have any ice..” you shakily said, breaking the tension but not the eye contact that he’d worked so hard to keep

  “That’s okay,” he replied, suavely, “I can get ice later...”

  “I have an ice pack.. somewhere..” you mumbled and he shook his head, not caring about anything at that moment. He moved closer once more, this time bringing his hand up to your waist, until his lips grazed yours and you pulled away from him suddenly, “I-I’m sorry. I should go.” You stumbled as you stood up and made your way out of the tent, leaving the first aid kit behind so you could hide as fast as possible; ducking behind a tree as soon as you could. If for no other reason than to cool off. Shit, you thought to yourself. What are you doing, Addy? You can’t do this to Alexis. It would kill her. But he smelt so sweet, like watermelon, and his lips looked so soft. No, stop it! She’s your cousin and he’s... her crush. Leave this alone. You repeated the words to yourself as you made your way back to your tent, collapsing in your sleeping bag as soon as you got inside. You tried not to think of JJ but his lips crashing into yours was all you could dream about that night and you knew you were in trouble.

[himluv]

Little Mercies

Another Solavellan oneshot. Set a few weeks after Heat. Enjoy!

“Wild. Running, jumping, white and shining.” Cole blinked watery eyes at the Inquisitor. “Free.”

She smiled softly and nodded, but did not speak. She had eyes only for the halla that bounded away from them across the river. Solas had thought little of the creatures, but when he looked back at Riallan he saw the depth of her wonder at the sight. Cole’s voice echoed her reverence, and knowing the thoughts were hers made his heart clench.

“They are so delicate,” Cassandra said. “I expected them to be… hardier.” She said it without disdain, a simple observation.

“Looks can be deceiving,” Riallan said without looking away from the animals.

The Seeker considered her, taking in her willowy form in the intricately sewn Keeper’s robes and smiled. “This is true.”

That made him smile. That the Seeker compared Riallan to halla was at once endearing and laughable. The Inquisitor was something altogether more fierce than the elegant deer, even if she shared their grace.

Not that he would say as much in current company.

“Elegant, yes,” Cole said. “Long legs for bounding through trees. But sturdy too. Powerful, precious, poised.”

Riallan laughed at that, the sound bright and echoing off the stones of the riverbank. “Yes, Cole they are that too.”

Solas was glad he stood at the front of their party for once, for he could not contain his blush at the spirit’s words. They had been his thoughts, and they were decidedly not about the halla. He continued on the path, eager to move on and give Cole something else to think on, so he was the first to notice the red sails across the water.

His stomach dropped even as he smiled. While he had little affection for the Dalish, Riallan would be overjoyed to see a clan here. “Inquisitor,” he called and pointed ahead of him.

Sure enough, once her gaze found the aravels her whole face lit up. It was the biggest grin he had ever seen on her face. The purest, most hopeful expression. It made his chest ache, knowing that she so dearly missed her clan. She may not know it, but he had taken that from her. Yet another shame for him to carry.

“These are the aravels?” Cassandra asked, tripping over the word slightly.

But Riallan didn’t hear her, she was already bounding down the bank and into the water. Her joy ran away with her, lending wings to her feet as she reached the other side of the shallow river, her bare toes sure in the firm mud of the bank.

“Inquisitor!” Cassandra shouted, but it was a wasted effort. Riallan was already gone, her heart and mind leagues away in the Free Marches.

“Flying, soaring, thunder in her ears. Sun in the sails, stars in their eyes, warmth in their hearts.” Cole looked at Solas, his gaze unseeing as he read Riallan’s racing thoughts. “Home.”

He knew that clan Lavellan were fairly progressive, if reclusive. He hoped, for her sake, this clan would welcome her with open arms.

Cole looked at him then. “They keep coming back, searching, seeking, sad, but home is gone.”

“Yes, Cole,” he said. “It is.”

“I’m sorry, da’len,” said the Keeper. “You are one of the People, but we do not trust this Inquisition.”

It shouldn’t have been a surprise, even she had felt the same until recently. And yet, Hawen’s words stung more than she cared to admit. Not least because she saw the prejudice in his distrusting glances at her companions. Did Deshanna look at city elves that way? Was her clan no better? Were all Dalish so insular?

Was Solas right about them after all?

“I— of course, hahren. I understand.” There was no keeping the disappointment from her voice. This was a rejection, even if it was wrapped in wise and kind words. It was as she had feared, the humans would vaunt her for as long as it was convenient and she would pay for their fervor with the acceptance of her kin.

But she couldn’t give up that easily. “May we rest with your clan for the evening?” She kept her voice quiet, hoping that her companions would not hear their conversation. Though she suspected Cole would tell all over dinner anyway.

She saw the hesitance on Hawen’s face and closed her eyes. “Forgive me, hahren. I did not mean to impose.” She turned to leave, but he stopped her with the brush of fingertips on her shoulder.

“Tel’abelas, da’len,” he said. “I am sorry. Of course you can join us.” He gave a wary glance at Cassandra, but smiled at Riallan.

She understood his concerns about the Seeker. She was an imposing figure, a capable warrior, and above all, human. But, Riallan worried more about Solas. Their only argument had been about the Dalish, heated and full of brash words she regretted. It was not something they had ever resolved. She would need to talk with him before tensions rose in the camp.

“Ma serannas, hahren.” She inclined her head in deference to the Keeper. “I will inform my people.”

She stepped away to the edge of the camp, Solas and Cassandra following her. Cole was nowhere to be seen.

“I am here,” the spirit promised, his voice frail as wind. “It would not help them to see me.”

“Thank you, Cole,” she said.

“That conversation did not seem,” Cassandra paused to find the right word. “Welcoming.”

Solas snorted, but said nothing.

Riallan cast a disapproving glance his way, but if he noticed he gave no sign. “They are, understandably, hesitant to trust us.”

Dark brows rose high on the Seeker’s face. “But you are Dalish!”

“A Dalish representing a human organization with ties to the Chantry,” Riallan added.

“And accompanied by a Seeker of Truth and flat ear, no less,” Solas said. There was no heat in his words.

Riallan was pretty sure that made it worse. “Hawen said nothing of the sort.”

“He did not have to.” He leaned on his staff and looked away from her.

She had no argument to make and it only made her angrier. “He has invited us to spend our evening in the camp,” she said.

“Ma nuvenin,” he said. The words were a cold wind in her ears.

Cassandra looked between them with confusion. “You are fighting. Why?”

“Solas takes issue with the Dalish,” she said, crossing her arms, wishing his disdain didn’t affect her so much.

“Reaching. So much they do not know. Grasping hands and hearts save all the wrong parts.” The spirit appeared, standing between Riallan and Solas.

“Leave it be, Cole,” Solas said.

“Their misunderstanding hurts.” He said it as a plea, begging the elf to let him help.

“Yes. But you cannot heal it.”

“I could try,” he said, petulant, displeased as a child being told ‘no’.

“And you would fail.”

“Perhaps because you don’t want to let the pain go,” Riallan said. “I don’t know what the Dalish did to slight you Solas, but this clan has offered us shelter. I, for one, would not offend them by refusing.”

That was an exaggeration, considering that she’d asked Hawen if they could stay, but he didn’t need to know that.

Cassandra gave Solas a sheepish look. “Something other than field rations would be a pleasant change.”

Solas pursed his lips, then looked at Riallan. “I do not disagree.” It wasn’t quite an apology, but there was no argument in his eyes. It was close enough.

“Then, it’s settled.” She forced a smiled at them and turned back to the camp, eager to mingle with her people.

This was not how Solas imagined spending his evening. The campfire and open sky were all correct, but being surrounded by modern elves, listening to their stories was unexpected. It wasn’t wholly unpleasant, if he didn’t listen too closely.

He was pulled from his thoughts when Riallan sat down beside him, setting a wooden tankard down by her feet. The firelight flickered and billowed in shadows across her skin, giving her cheeks a duskiness she didn’t have by day.

“Try this,” she said and offered a piece of bread to him.

He took it, but did not try it. “What is it?”

“Honeyed bradh with halla butter.” There was laughter in her voice, a warmth he only heard after she’d visited with Varric and Bull in the Herald’s Rest. Perhaps the tinge in her cheeks had more to do with Dalish wine than the fire.

He took a tentative bite and let out a pleased sound.

She grinned. “You like it?” Her eyes shone with the light of the fire, and when she looked at him like that, like her whole world hinged on what he said next, he couldn’t help but smile back.

“Very much.” He took another bite to prove it. The bread was light and flaky, spread with spiced butter and a fine drizzle of honey on top. It was savory and sweet, hearty enough to have with a meal but sweet enough to crave for dessert.

She flushed at his approval, and then stole the final bite out of his hand. “I didn’t say you could have the whole thing!” She laughed even as she shoved the bread into her mouth. “Don’t tell on me, but this better than my clan’s.” She giggled, the sound girlish and carefree.

Definitely feeling the effects of the wine, then.

He leaned in to bump his shoulder against hers. “You secret is safe with me, if—” he gave her a wicked little smile, “—you get me another piece of that bradh.”

The look she gave him flushed him with warmth that had nothing to do with the fire. “Ma nuvenin, Solas.”

And then she was up and gone, hunting to fulfill his request. Across the fire Cassandra leaned against an aravel, talking with one of the clan’s hunters. From what he could hear they were sharing hunting stories, and she’d regaled the elf with a tale of Pentaghast dragon hunters. Cole remained out of sight, but Solas saw him in the little mercies that had played out over the evening meal. A knife that should have slipped and sliced simply fell instead. The fish that would have burned were magically flipped while no one looked. And, he noticed now, the Inquisitor’s drink had filled in her absence.

“Cole,” he chided.

“The wine helps,” the spirit said, though he didn’t appear.

“That is debatable.”

“She is comfortable. Thoughts quieter. Frantic, buzzing, soothed with warmth.”

Solas sighed. “Remember that too much can lead to hurt. It weakens the will and tears down walls that should remain in place.”

Cole blinked at him, suddenly manifested before him. “She wishes you would let your walls down.” He tilted his head. “Would you like wine?”

He couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “No, thank you.”

The spirit vanished as Riallan returned. She bowed, an exaggerated flourish of arms and legs, and offered him the bradh she found. “Your bradh, Master Solas.”

He bit back a smile at her antics, but took the bread. He was halfway through a bite when she sat beside him, much closer this time, and lifted her tankard. “Did you refill my wine?”

He choked and she laughed at him. “No,” he said. “Cole was helping.”

“Aww, thanks Cole!”

“You’re welcome,” came the spirit’s disembodied voice.

She took a sip and looked out over the fire, her eyes lingering on the people and conversations happening all around them. Someone had found a lyre and strummed it aimlessly until a song formed and a few people took up singing. It was a soothing melody in a mixture of their broken elvhen and common.

It was no less beautiful for it.

He caught her watching him, her eyes suddenly intense. “What is it, lethallan?”

“This is why I asked to stay.” She held his gaze for a moment, then looked at the fire. “I wanted to share this life with you, even for just a night.” The words were barely a whisper, a confession he wasn’t certain she would have made under other circumstances.

He cleared his throat. “I thought the Keeper offered.”

She blushed. “I lied.”

“Why?” Just when he thought he understood her motivations she did something he didn’t expect.

“I didn’t want you to think I was desperate or homesick.” She stared down into the depths of her wine. The words no doubt confessed thanks to its influence.

“There’s nothing shameful in longing for the world you once knew,” he said.

She hummed and took another drink. “Maybe not shameful, but certainly foolish.”

Only because she lacked the power to bring back what was lost, he told himself. “If you could go back, if the anchor and the Breach had never happened, would you?”

He hadn’t meant to ask, but in the warm haze of the fire and the sweetness of the wine on her breath, the words just tumbled out.

She thought on his question for a long time, long enough that he thought she wouldn’t answer him at all. Then her hand was on his forearm, the barest touch that sent a jolt through him.

When he looked up her focus was undeniable. She held his gaze even through the flush of embarrassment and drink on her cheeks.

“No. No, I don’t think I would.”

[illbeyourreasonwhy]

So Much I Think It Must Be...

Chapter 2 of my Ambi Enemies to Friends to Lovers fic!! You can read it on ao3 here

Hope you like it!

*

Andi grinned and raced across the street, pausing to tap on her friend’s shoulder.

“Hey, TJ. Want to help me get back at Amber?”

TJ only raised an eyebrow. “Not particularly, no.”

Andi pouted. “Come on, please?”

“What is it even for, this time?”

“To make up for the laser tag disaster yesterday.”

“Wasn’t that both your faults?”

“Yeah, but she started it.”

I see.” They reached Cyrus’ house and TJ rang the doorbell, looking at her with barely concealed amusement. “If, and I mean if, I say yes, what do you want me to do?”

Andi grinned. “Just distract her while I take her bag.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You’re nicking her stuff again?”

“Borrowing,” Andi corrected. It was true that it had become common for some of Amber’s things to go missing, but they were always returned eventually. It wasn’t about stealing, it was about how crazy it drove Amber.

TJ opened his mouth, looking like he was about to say something, then shook his head, apparently deciding it wasn’t worth voicing. “Okay, so you just want me to talk to her?”

“Yes, I’ll take care of the rest.”

The front door opened, revealing Buffy and Cyrus, who frowned. “What rest?”

“None of your concern,” Andi said, and Cyrus sighed, looking at TJ.

“Don’t tell me you’re helping her pull a prank on Amber again.”

How did you –” TJ shook his head. “Well, for the record, I haven’t said yes yet.”

Andi huffed. “Fine, I’ll do it myself.” Now that Cyrus was here, there was no way she was going to be able to convince TJ to help out.

Cyrus glanced at her warily. “What are you going to do?”

“Nothing.” He gave her a look, and she rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to dye her hair pink again.”

“That was a fun day,” Buffy commented, moving aside to let them in.

The gang had decided that they were all going to hang out at Cyrus’ for the afternoon, but it appeared that they were the only four to be there yet. “Amber is working late,” Cyrus said, reading her mind. “The others must be on their way. Do you want to watch me crush Buffy at table tennis?”

“You are not crushing me.”

TJ shot Andi a look. “I’ve got to see this.”

Before long, the rest of their friends had arrived, and everyone was having a good time. TJ, Marty and Jonah were daring each other to stuff as many marshmallows in their mouths as they could; Buffy was attempting, again, to beat Cyrus at table tennis, and Amber and Iris were talking on the couch, watching as Jonah gagged on his ninth marshmallow.

Which meant that there was nobody looking as Andi caught sight of Amber’s water bottle abandoned on the kitchen table.

It was unmistakably Amber’s; if the bright pink colour wasn’t enough for Andi to recognise it, the block AMBER written in obnoxiously big letters across the front was a dead giveaway.

Andi glanced around quickly, saw that no one was paying her attention, and grabbed the bottle.

A few minutes later she rushed over to TJ, a wicked smile on her face. He raised an eyebrow as soon as he saw her.

“I switched Amber’s water with apple juice,” she told him gleefully.

TJ stared. “Okay?”

"She hates apple juice. It’s going to be hilarious.”

TJ opened his mouth, but before he could say anything Andi nudged him excitedly and pointed over to Amber, who was reaching for her bottle. She took a sip, froze, and rushed over to the sink to spit it out.

“Andi!”

“Yeah?”

Amber glared at her, wiping her mouth, and dunked the rest of her bottle’s contents out before rinsing it.

"What a waste of apple juice,” Jonah commented sadly.

“Nah, I only put enough for one sip,” Andi reassured him. “And it was totally worth it.”

Amber glared at her. “You’re dead.”

“Really? That’s odd, I could have sworn I was still standing here.”

She pointed a finger at her, pursing her lips. “You’re going to regret this. I’m not sure how yet, but I’ll think of something.”

Andi rolled her eyes. “Come on, it’s just a bit of fun.”

“Yeah, like how spraying your white shirt with red paint was fun,” Amber reminisced.

“That stain still hasn’t come out,” Andi said sharply. “You owe me a new shirt.”

“You owe me a bottle of shampoo.”

“That was a year ago, get over it.”

“Okay, okay,” Cyrus cut in. “We get it. Loads of fun. How about we eat the cookies TJ made now?”

With a final withering look, Amber turned away from Andi and followed Cyrus to the living room.

TJ raised an eyebrow. “I guess you didn’t need my help.”

Andi couldn’t help a satisfied smile. “I guess not.” TJ nudged her and she grabbed his arm to pull him along. “Come on, let’s go eat your cookies.”

*

“Hey, Andi!”

Andi looked up. Jonah was sitting on a bench across the street from her, waving her over. “Hey,” she smiled. “What’s up?”

“Guess who I was just on the phone with?” he asked excitedly. “Natalie!”

Andi looked between his phone and him warily. “Your ex Natalie?”

“Yeah, she’s coming over to Shadyside for the summer! Isn’t that great?”

Andi wasn’t sure great was the word she would have used, but she mustered a smile. Natalie and Jonah had dated right after he and Andi had broken up, but they hadn’t lasted long, deciding that they worked better as friends in the end. Even so, she had never been able to shake the weird feeling she got when it came to Natalie, like she had one-upped her or something.

“That’s nice,” she said anyways. “You must be excited to see her again.”

Natalie had moved away a year ago, but they had stayed in touch. Jonah nodded, beaming. “Her family is staying in California, so she’s going to be hopping from friend’s house to friend’s house, apparently. I’d offer, but since I’m leaving two days after she arrives…” His eyes brightened. “Hey, Andi, why not have her stay with you? You’re staying here during the whole holidays, right?”

“Yeah.” Andi grimaced. It figured that the only two people in their friend group who wouldn’t be going anywhere would be her and Amber. “We don’t have an extra room, though.”

“Ah, too bad. Well, I’m sure she’ll find something.”

Andi offered him a smile, a little bemused that he had even thought of her in the first place what with her weird history with Natalie. Natalie had been the reason she and Jonah had broken up; Andi had kept being paranoid about Jonah having a better connection with the other girl than with her.

That was all in the past, though. And Jonah had really missed her, so she smiled at him again, deciding that she was going to be happy for her friend no matter what.

“I should go,” she said. “I was going to go paint at the park.”

Jonah, if it were possible, brightened even more. “Oh, have fun! Can I see it when you’re done?”

“Yeah, of course,” she grinned. “I’ll see you later.”

“See you!”

“Am I dreaming, or is that Andi Mack I see?”

Andi looked up from her painting to find a familiar face smiling at her.

“Walker!”

He grinned at her; there was an awkward moment where they simply looked at each other before he wrapped an arm around her and she smiled, hugging him back.

“What’s it been, a year?”

“I think so. How are you?”

“Good, good,” Walker smiled. “Wait, did you paint this?”

She glanced at the painting she was working on, suddenly a little bashful. “It’s a work in progress.”

“It’s really good.” He smiled at her. “Hey, I actually have to paint a mural next week, do you want to help? For old time’s sake?”

She smiled. “That sounds –”

“Andi, your mother needs you at her store.”

Andi turned, her smile dimming. “Amber.”

Amber raised an eyebrow, seeming as pleased to see her as she was.

Walker looked between the two of them, oblivious. “Oh, you’re Amber! I’ve heard so much about you.”

Amber glanced between the two of them. “Hopefully not from her.”

“So the feud is real.”

“Unfortunately,” Andi answered, turning to Amber. “Why did my mom tell you she needs to see me?”

“I had an appointment, so she asked when I left. She told me you’d be here.” She crossed her arms. “I trust you’ll find your way there.”

“Wow, so nice to see you too, Amber.”

Walker was still looking between the two of them. “Wow, you two really don’t like each other, huh?”

“Not really, no.”

“What happened?”

Andi frowned. “What do you mean?”

“This.” He gestured between the two girls. “How did it start?”

Andi sighed. “I don’t know, it’s always been like this. That’s just how it is.”

“Yeah,” Amber scoffed, “trust me, there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Walker didn’t look convinced. “Okay, but… it had to start somewhere, right?”

Andi and Amber glanced at each other, neither saying anything as they shared a measured look. Finally Amber looked away, glaring at nothing in particular. “She started dating my ex-boyfriend the day after he dumped me.”

Walker blinked. That apparently hadn’t been what he was expecting. “Oh. Okay.”

Andi huffed, outraged. “That’s nothing, she abandoned me at the top of a Ferris wheel in the middle of the night!”

“What? Yeah, that’s… pretty bad.”

“Yeah, okay, that was shitty of me,” Amber rolled her eyes, “but you’re still the one who started it.”

Andi threw her hands in the air. “You didn’t even like Jonah!”

“That’s not the point! You don’t go out with a guy a day after he broke up with his girlfriend, that’s basic decency!”

“Woah,” Walker said, tentatively stepping in between them.

If his attempt had been to calm them down, it was thoroughly unsuccessful. Both Amber and Andi looked like they were getting angrier by the second, their voices raising with each word.

“What you did was way worse! I got arrested!”

“You did?” Walker asked, bewildered.

“Oh please, you didn’t even spend the whole night in jail.”

“That’s a standard for you?” Walker was starting to look concerned.

“Either way, I am not the one who started it, you were horrible to me long before I started dating Jonah.”

“Because I could tell you were after him!”

“Okaaaay…” Walker physically pushed them slightly away from each other. “Clearly you were both in the wrong. But this was… two years ago, right? And you’re both over Jonah, so why are you still fighting now?”

Andi gave him a look. “Did you miss the part where she abandoned me on a Ferris wheel?”

“Oh for goodness’ sake, I was going to come back for you.”

“Oh, really? Was that before or after my parents had to bail me out of jail?”

Amber rolled her eyes. “They didn’t actually bail you out, they just had to pick you up and bring you home.”

Walker spoke up before this could turn into another argument. “Okay, so this is what this is? A two-year-old grudge from a prank gone wrong?”

“'Prank gone wrong’ is one way to put it,” Andi said, raising her eyebrows.

“Besides, are you saying we shouldn’t be holding grudges against each other? In case you missed the last five minutes, there’s a bit of a history between us.”

“Yeah,” Walker agreed. “History. I don’t get why it’s lasted so long, especially since your friends are all okay with each other.”

“Why do you care?” Andi asked, starting to get annoyed.

“I’m just trying to understand,” he answered, even though he looked like he was starting to regret ever asking in the first place.

“Are you trying to therapize us?” Amber asked, sounding almost insulted. “Because Cyrus already gave it a go, so don’t bother.”

“Noted,” Walker nodded. “I’ll let you hate each other in peace.”

“How kind of you.” Amber shouldered her bag. “Well, that was enough to fill my Andi-quota of the day, so I’m going to go.”

Andi crossed her arms. “Don’t let me keep you.”

“Always a pleasure, Andi.”

Andi didn’t uncross her arms until Amber was out of view, before turning back to Walker, who looked at loss for what to say.

“So… Mural? Next week?”

[sophygurl]

WisCon 43 panel Antisemitism at WisCon

   Over the course of its existence, there have been many examples of antisemitism at WisCon—a trend often echoed in other leftist spaces, where microaggressions to naked hostility to just plain erasure keep occurring. Let's talk about why this continues to happen, why it's so rarely talked about, and what we can do to prevent it.

Moderator: Becky Allen. Panelists: Gerri Balter, Paul Goodman, Jessica Plummer

Disclaimers: These are only the notes I was personally able to jot down on paper during the panel. I absolutely did not get everything, and may even have some things wrong. Corrections by panelists or other audience members always welcome. I name the mod and panelists because they are publicly listed, but will remove/change names if asked. I do not name audience members unless specifically asked by them to be named. If I mix up a pronoun or name spelling or anything else, please tell me and I’ll fix it!

[Quick Notes: 1) This panel was created in large part (though not exclusively) due to a panel that I also attended last year and wrote my notes up about - which can be found here for my tumblr post and here for my DW post - each having their own replies/comments for anyone who wants to see those. The panel last year, called The Desire for Killable Bodies, went sideways when one of the panelists started spouting nazi apologism and other awful things. There’s a context for all of this, which is why I’m linking to my panel write-ups as they served as a space for others to share what they heard and experienced so that you can understand this context and also understand that this wasn’t just a couple of people upset - there was a large audience for this panel and lots and lots of us were upset, and lots of us made reports to the concom, and there is a consensus about what happened. 2) I add all of this because the panel I’m about to write up also had a disturbance in regards to what happened last year and I want to make sure there is full context for what happened with That, as well. 3) Also of note: I had to edit out the tags “nazis” and “antisemitism” for my linked post to appear in my own tags on my own tumblr blog so fuck that noise. I’m getting angrier and angrier about tumblr’s tagging rules - we should be able to tag shit like that for content warnings for fuck’s sake. Anyway, on to the actual write-up. 4) Well, one last note - the panel is, obviously, talking about incidents of experienced antisemitism at both WisCon and in other leftist spaces and it was hard for me, who is not Jewish, to take that all in. So be prepared that this is a difficult, but very important, conversation about to be reported on.]

Notes:

Becky began the panel by saying she was both sad and glad to be doing this. Everyone on this panel is Jewish, and everyone on the panel has experienced antisemitic microaggressions here at WisCon at some point or another.

Jessica said the incident last year was the most extreme one, but certainly not the first.

Paul introduced himself as a lawyer for public policy at a non-profit and said that he has experienced antisemitism here and in every progressive space he’s ever been in.

Gerri introduced herself saying that she is 74 years old and that she has experienced antisemitism her whole life. Her parents escaped the Ukraine after WWI and she grew up hearing horror stories.

Becky gave some background on what happened at the Killable Bodies panel last year. She added that safety did a good job at handling things after it all happened. 

Jessica added that she proposed this panel due to what happened at that panel.

At this point, someone in the audience popped in, asking if we were going to talk about the specifics of that panel and arguing about what was really said. It was clear that this person was friends with the panelist who said the offending comments last year and he was defending her and arguing with the panelists about their own experiences at that panel. Both Jessica and Becky worked to shut him down, and I noticed several folks in the audience standing up and getting ready to escort this person out if necessary. Becky finally said that if he kept on, he would have to leave - or he could be quiet and remain and listen. He chose to remain quiet, and remained so for the duration (at least to my knowledge - he was seated a bit away from me, but I didn’t hear any more interruptions, at least). 

Jessica went back to explaining about how she proposed this panel. She was worried there might not be enough people to be on the panel - some of the people she approached had said maybe, to go ahead and suggest the panel and put them on as possibilities. 

[As a side note - there are a couple of ways of staffing a panel like this. One, which is what Jessica did, is to suggest some possible panelists and programming can see about adding them to the list but other people can still volunteer to be on the panel. The other is to hand-staff a panel, which means the person proposing the panel has already specified who should be on the panel and it is otherwise closed to other panelists. This is often done when a panel absolutely has to have a certain demographic - such as a panel like this which necessitates an all Jewish panel or a panel about trans issues where you want everyone on the panel to be trans, etc.]

So, Jessica had gone with that first way and suggested some possible panelists, but there was a mix-up with programming and all of the names of the suggested panelists were listed as panelists, the panel was closed to volunteers, and private communication that Jessica had submitted to programming was also added to the published panel information. 

This was problematic for a number of reasons. One reason is that the people Jessica has suggested were all people in her own friend group, which included mostly people similar to herself. This was keeping voices different from herself from being on the panel, including people marginalized for other reasons. 

Another problem was the listing of names of people who had not decided if they wanted to be on the panel or not. For obvious historical reasons (and the panel gets into this in more detail a little later), public lists of Jewish people causes a lot of anxiety for Jewish folks. 

At this point, Becky and Jessica acknowledged that most microaggressions are not intentional. They don’t think, for example, that programming did any of this on purpose. 

Gerri said that she wasn’t here last year, but that she’s been coming to WisCon for a long time. She said WisCon used to be mostly people talking about books they’ve read. She remembers many years ago when she’d read Wandering Stars: A Jewish Anthology of Fantasy and Science and Fiction by Jack Dann and she was excited to be reading stories about Jews in space. 

Gerri recommended the book to someone at WisCon and that person kind of took a step back and said “I didn’t know you were one of those.” Everyone else in the group walked away, leaving her to confront this on her own. He then asked her if her name was her real name. 

Gerri was raised by parents who were always telling her to get ready for when she was no longer welcomed. But even living in a world with a lot of overt antisemitism, she didn’t really believe them about that until the moment described above.

Paul talked about how 11-20% of Jews in the US are POC, that Jews are poor and middle class at the same rates as everyone else, and that these are things people don’t always understand. He also said they were not going to discuss Israel on this panel, adding there could be a whole entire con just about that, but that one thing that happens, especially in leftist spaces, is a conflation of Israel with Zionism and Zionism with Judaism and Judaism with every individual Jewish person. 

Jessica told about a panel a few years back about Agent Carter. The focus was on the lack of diversity, which was true. But season two heavily implied that Howard Stark came from a Jewish family who had changed their name. The moderator of that panel waved it away as not very important. Jessica, in the audience, had tweeted using the # for the panel about how significant that representation was to her. The mod saw the tweet during the panel and apologized. 

Jessica also said that friends of hers who were not here shared their own stories about incidents involving everything from off-color Anne Frank jokes to serious incidents that were brought to safety. 

Becky said that they all kept repeating that they know most of these things are not malicious, but she wants to acknowledge that they still hurt. She wants people to think harder about these things, but she’s not trying to call specific people out right now. 

Becky added that as a white Jewish person, she’s in a liminal space of privilege and oppression. She notes that leftists do these kinds of microaggressions a lot, but they’re the ones that should care about Not doing them.

Gerri talked about how fandom began with a lot of Jewish people. So when she got into it, she felt it would be safe. Many cons used to have spaces for services programmed in and one even had a Passover room with food they could eat during the holiday. She’s not sure how or when that went away, but she misses it. Some of it might be the lack of ability to accommodate all religions.

Gerri also talked about conversations that end up leading to “those Jews and their banks”. She objects, but has been told she doesn’t understand because she’s Jewish. “I understand I didn’t have toys as a child because we were too poor.” People try and take it back and it can be hard not to just say it’s okay. 

Jessica talked about more of these things people believe falsely about Jewish people. One is the “Christ killer” thing. In a poll she saw, 60% of Americans believe that Jews killed Jesus. Actually - it was the Romans.

Paul said intent in these things doesn’t always matter. For example, he was told Jews make the best lawyers - this is supposed to be a compliment, but it isn’t. 

Paul and Jessica talked about some of the antisemitic dog whistles that people use such as “globalist” and “lizard people” - it used to be “Hollywood.” 

Becky added that there are a lot of fannish memes that use the lizard people one - folks don’t get that it originates from antisemitism. (Example: “I, for one, support our new lizard overlords.”)

Becky also talked about growing up in a small town where hers was the only Jewish family. She was asked if she had horns, and was asked to come to church with friends so that she wouldn’t go to hell. 

Becky said that Jewish people are always in fear of when it might be time to pack up and leave. Trumpism is making that fear feel very real right now. The idea of knowing there are people in her neighborhood who want her dead is hard. But it’s also hard that with the people she organizes with politically - events are often held on Jewish holidays. “I can’t organize on Yom Kippur - I’m too hungry!” 

Jessica talked about a time she was in France and didn’t want to go with friends to the Jewish museum because she didn’t want to telegraph her Jewishness. She grew up in Brooklyn and believed when she was younger that all white people were Jewish. Then she moved to NJ and heard her first Jewish jokes, and learned about “looking Jewish.” 

Jessica told a story about a boy she and her friend both had a crush on. But then she heard this boy make a joke about someone who was Jewish, saying “oh he must be hiding in the oven.” Her friend said it was no big deal and that Jews should get over the holocaust. 

Jessica said that the holocaust was the largest manifestation of antisemitic genocide, but that is because technology allowed it to be. Jewish history is full of examples of genocide. The joke about Jewish holidays is “they tried to kill us, they failed, let’s eat.”

Paul brought up the concept of generational trauma. Even if it hasn’t happened to you or in your lifetime, knowing your culture’s history and being told about it from your elders instills trauma all the same.

Becky posed the question to the panelists of how they would like to see WisCon and other spaces supporting Jewish people.

Paul talked about Jewish holidays not being recognized. Also - when antisemitic microaggressions happen - someone else needs to step in. It can’t only be Jewish people doing the work themselves.

Gerri said to simply think before speaking and if something comes out bad - apologize and mean it. Then work harder at it.

Jessica said she thought the idea of services was a good one. She added that she requested this panel be on a Sunday due to Shabbat.

Jessica would also like more recognition about the pluralism of Jewishness. And generally just more axis of diversity when it comes to all religions.She notes that even discussions of atheism tend to come through a Christian lens. 

Becky said that a lot of things that are considered to be secular or neutral are not. For example: Christmas.

Jessica added she’d like the removal of the phrase Judeo-Christian. It means nothing. If you mean Abrahamic religions, say that, and make sure you’re including Islam. 

Gerri advised asking questions so that you don’t unintentionally hurt people.

Becky talked about a panel this year about Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and The Good Place. Someone had said that Judaism was not used in the main character on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Becky had raised her hand to say that no, her Judaism was important. The panelist apologized and admitted they were out of their lane. It was a good exchange. If something is said wrong in good faith - it’s not an issue for it to be brought up.

Jessica added that one of the core values of Judaism is asking questions. 

That said, Becky said it was time for audience questions but set some guidelines first. No talking about Israel, as that’s a derail. No oppression olympics. The panelists are allowed to stop or to just not answer if they wish. And there will be no denying any of the panelists experiences. 

The first audience question was about how to better understand Jewish experiences. 

Gerri didn’t have a specific rec because each book or perspective is just one out of many.

Jessica talked about the difficulty in rec-ing a list of Jewish authors without creating a Nazi hit list. But she added that a lot of our pop culture is Jewish - comic books, comedy, musical theater, etc. 

Gerri rec’d an old movie - Gentleman’s Agreement with Gregory Peck. 

Paul said that a useful exercise is when watching media and a Jewish character is on screen - how are we being treated? Often, it’s not good. 

An audience member rec’d the wikipedia article on antisemitism. 

Becky said - what if we stopped having space Jews who are greedy, such as the Ferengi. 

Jessica said the only good Jews in space is Mel Brook’s Jews in Space.

Someone in the audience discussed the conspiracy theories about cabals and Jewish people having secret privilege. This undercuts the actual oppression of Jewish people. Antisemitism is getting bolder again, so we have to be more loud about confronting it. There is a culture of assimilation due to the fear of “being on the list” and the trauma around that. The audience member acknowledged they were layering questions within questions, but Jessica said “no, this is very Jewish, keep going!” 

Gerri said that when she was growing up, Jews were loud. Her mom would tell her to be more quiet or they’ll think you’re Jewish. She was like, well I am Jewish! But there can be a real fear that being loud might cause you to die. 

Paul recommends punching Nazi’s every day. 

Jessica advised allies to ask how to best support. She gave the example of the triple parenthesis issue on twitter, which was something supremacists were using to designate people they thought were Jewish. Some people started using the triple parenthesis on purpose in protest, but this was very upsetting to a lot of Jewish people due, again, to the issue of the list, being publicly Jewish, the generational trauma there, etc. Jessica said to speak for Jewish people when necessary, but never over them.

Becky asked the panelists for last words or rec’s.

Gerri said Isaac Asimov

Paul said there are lots of resources at Jews for Racial and Economic Justice.

Becky said Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, also the author Katherine Locke - specifically The Girl with the Red Balloon, a time travel book with Jewish characters. 

Jessica said there are too few YA speculative fiction books with Jewish characters. She does recommend early comics by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, etc. Superman, Spider-Man, and others are all based on Jewish themes. She also recommended the first Independence Day movie and Rose Lerner’s romance novels. 

And that’s all I got! Also my last write-up for this year. The other panels I attended, I just didn’t get enough decent notes down to make a write-up worthwhile. Might make a round-up post and add some comments on the panels I was on, but not sure. 

[mastrrt]

The Tigress Dilemma *fanfiction*

Usually, fanfic writers (such as I) have a hard time depicting complex characters such as Tigress, ergo this lack of this understanding about our characters can lead us to defile their original personalities and characteristics. I'm pretty sure most, if not, all of us are victims to the Tigress Dilemma, and this problem can only be resolved once Dreamworks has finished Tigress's arc. The Tigress Dilemma is basically what I mentioned above. We misinterpret Tigress and that could lead us to writing imposters instead. Now I have seen many fanfics, and all of them vary in the extent of how terrible their Tigress imposter is. I would say that for my fanfics, my Tigress imposter is pretty far off from the original character, but I feel I am getting there... it's a very slow progress, but every increment of time is making me better as a writer. Anywho, I'll be addressing some Tigress Imposter stereotypes. These stereotypes are the ones we want to avoid as much as possible. And if we do so, we can get closer to the original Tigress. Now, disclaimer, I am not here to tarnish the pride of any of you fanfic writers. I'm just here to point out my opinions and hopefully my opinions can do more good than harm. Also, to bring this blog a more positive vibe, I will be writing some Tigress stereotypes that we should all follow. But that'll be on the next post. 1. The 'Punk Girl School Bully' Type of Tigress. (LoA Tigress) Sleeves are for wimps... fat muscles... I got huge front teeth... i'll put your head on the toilet... pig anatomy on the facial region... you punk!... ILLL BEAT YOUUU UP!... girl that looks like a man... Those lines are all inside the ambit of any typical Buff School Girl Bully. And yeah, these types of people aren't the most likeable. Mainly because of their terrible ego and pride, their unmanaged temper, their constant screaming, and the fact that they bully. And these types of characters usually act upon their anger, and these types of characters are usually defeated by their own caprices. Now a lot of times, people usually confuse 'Punk Girl School Bully' as Tigress's characteristics.

For example, a lot of fanfictions tend to write this: Tigress was clouded with anger. How dare this cocky prick make fun of her name like that? She charged at him, trying to land a double fist strike on her belly, but it has seemed that her muscles were so angry that she suddenly turned into an amateur fighter and totally missed the cocky mite's stomache. Now she was even angrier. She gave a frustrated yell and pounced at the prick, driving her feet into a powerful tornado kick, but the man has sidestepped and she was too angry to use that momentum to execute another kick upon landing. Oh she was so so SO angry that everything turned red. Even though the man was merely a stranger, his smart remarks was enough to somehow make Tigress want to tamper him, as if her anger was derived from personal matter. Oh yes, Tigress was so weak that her peace has succumbed so easily to something as superficial as an empty insult. It isn't like she's a warrior who learned integrity, who lived by virtues and proverbs, and learned to swallow her pride the hard way. Nope. She was just the average hot head. "You! You idiot!" She yelled, driving her fist into arbitrary turns and twist with the speed of a toddler's fist in a fit of frenzy. And yet, after delivering such 'efficient' attacks, the man had avoided her punches the Muhammad Ali way. What's next? The rope-a-dope? Is that how weak Tigress became because of her anger? Oh, and since she's sooo angry, she also became majorly stupid! Since she's losing, she might as well become more desperate to win and because of this, she kinda lost 9/10 of her damn brain. It isn't like she had experienced worst before. It isn't like she's been in a tower surrounded by hundreds of adversaries, outmatched, outgunned, out everything, and still managed to escape through a genius idea to catapult her and her Enterprise out the flaming tower THROUGH the toppling flaming tower.

Look, Tigress can be hot head, but she doesn't allow it to manifest in a way that hampers her during battle. She's a warrior who for sure learned patience. Yes, she might have let herself succumb to her anger during the first movie (by trying to fight Tai Lung despite her master's efforts to stop her) but do understand that it was because of that cursed snow leopard that her father was just outright terrible to her, and 20 years of desperation and overwhelming commitment to kung fu led her to think that defeating Tai Lung is the key to Shifu's heart. Watch the Second movie through and through, with the eyes of a scrutenizing critic. If she is angry, it is usually to appear intimidating or lethal. It's a great strategy, escpecially now that her opponents would surely hold back once they hear the low baritone of her growl. But never, never, never, never, I assure you, did she appear angry and let that rage make her a haphazard, stupid, mess.

Also, fanfic writers tend to also write this: Tigress crossed her arms and growled. Po was so annoying! He wouldn't stop babbling about his new dumpling recipe. If he says 'broccoli broth' one more time, she is sure her dormant side would burst. "SHUT UP PO! YOU ARE AN IDIOT! YOU ARE SO CHILDISH! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE THE DRAGON WARRIOR!" And then, Po cried and ran away from the kitchen. The rest of the five gave her a look that could compare to the menacing glare of a thousand men, and they all left her to find the weeping Po. She sneered, she didn't need them anyways. She didn't have a family. And they were no friends of hers.

Tigress is not like this! She values her friends, and she talks to them like friends. Do no potray her the LoA way, because she's not always grumpy... and she is, by chance, grumpy, it's mostly for a reason. When the other five are irritated or even disgusted of Po, you can see that only Tigress smiles. And when she is in an argument, she usually deliver herself in a calm and threatening. Yeah, calm and threatening can be together. Tigress works as a paradox. I think the problem here is that people mistake seriousness and grumpiness as neigh synonyms. DON'T mistake those two different words with the same definition. Tigress is serious, but rarely grumpy in the way LoA/ fancfictions potrays her (just compare KFP 2 Tigress to LoA Tigress (there's a big difference I tell you that (mostly because she doesn't haphazardly turn into a big bish (is this even grammatically correct?))))

2. The Morally Deficient Tigress. I hate you!... you've always been terrible to me Shifu. So I hate you too!... you guys are not my family!... i have no family!... brat times twenty... your spoon is stupid... everyone is stupid... I don't wanna do this anymore... i'll turn evil in six seconds if you don't assuage my ego... cold hearted... insults everywhere... long sullen silences followed by mean comments followed by even more long sullen silences... angst angst angst for no reason... teenage i-have-20-pounds-of-eyeliner-under-my-eyes prototype. this type of imposter Tigress is probably one of the worst forms of Tigress out there. You cannot just ignore that she has been raised by two kung fu masters, one has morals that are so polished and perfect, and the other one with flaws but regardless still wiser than most. She's also follows a regimented schedule of supreme discipline throughout the course of her twenty-eight years, so surely she has been taught hardwork, patience, determination and other virtues that any average olympian athletes would typically have. Despite being called cold-hearted, stoic, perhaps even mean, do remember that she is also a HERO. With a hero's heart and the strength of a hero's mind. You can not simply ignore that she's a good person who had saved, quite possibly, thousands of lives, expecting nothing in return except the heart of her father and a place to reside. Do not mistake badassery with idiocy. Do not make her morally deficient like she's a little child with the mindset of a brat on a bad day.

Here's some examples of this nightmare: "Why do you keep these stuff? You're so childish, you don't deserve to be the Dragon Warrior!" Tigress looked around his loft, threatened by the action figures and the posters of the masters that adorned it.

Po frowned, "But... but... items like these have very big value to me Tigress. Especially my action figures, I cherish them because it's a large fragment of my childhood memories!"

Tigress did not understand. Of course she did not, not only is she whimsy, grumpy, angry and stupid, she also lacks understanding and lessons that can usually be self-taught at the age of twenty. She acts like a little child and that's all her morality is limited to. "No! They're wooden things with no value whatsoever. Stop being a fanboy. Stop being yourself! I can't support you! You idiot."

And she left the room with grandeur ---Sharpei Style with the hint of swagger. Five days later... "It's all your fault why we're here Po! All your fault. It isn't like you made a wonderful plan and I kinda destroyed it after this cocky douche made me angry and I decided to fight him and ditch your plan. And since my dignity got the best of me, it isn't like I'm blaming you 100% on our unfortunate demise when I know 200% that i'm to blame." Po tried to speak, but Tigress continued, "Ya'll should have listened to me! Me me me me! Me me me me!" The end!

Okay okay, it's a little too exaggerated, but you get the point right? Tigress doesn't act like this. She is kind and nice, she's truly supportive even with her doubts, and she loves and values her friends, albeit these traits are not exposed because it's overshadowed by her stoic demeanor. Whatever... sometimes light filters through her facade and you can see her vulnerabilities.

3. The Profesional Becomes the Biggest Amateur. Gets defeated by a few alligators who could barely fight... can't get unstuck from a rope THAT ISNT EVEN KNOTTED NOR THICK ENOUGH TO CARRY TWO POUNDS... can't get out a sticky situation even though she has been through worse... pathetic tiger... no longer has super strength that she has been gifted with. Now I'm just a thread's breadth away before typing a full fledge rant. Yes! I get it. She has been defeated by people who Po can defeat. She has been defeated by Tai lung and Po was able to defeat Tai Lung. But that was because Po was in a special situation, and it was truly only Po who could defeat Tai Lung (I'll adress this in a new post.) Have ya'll ever of this rule, in both film making and book writing, that authors must refrain from degrading everyone's intelligence so that a single character can appear in the caliber of a genius? Basically, what I'm saying is that you cannot make the five (escape Tigress) leagues weaker than their original selves just for the sake of making Po or your main OCs appear stronger. One, that's a terrible illusion that even a blind man can see through. And two, that's just disrespectful for a The Five. Not only are the five overshadowed, but ya'll also heavily disregarded the fact that they are warriors that did a lot. You're forgetting that Tigress can do this

Do not forget that she is the person who can do so much more. If you want a story where Tigress becomes a damsel in distress, and Po is the one to save her, DO NOT get her kidnapped by five wolves. Or ten. Or even twenty. Because this tiger can handle of them easy. Make sure she is defeated by a whole fudging army, or a bunch of hooded warriors who are thousands of years old and are as good as Shifu in kung fu. Make sure her defeat is reasonable and respects what she can do. KNOW what she can do, so that you learn her limits. Give her a challenge, give her a run for her money. Don't make her pathetic just because you want someone else to seem not pathetic. Us fan fic writers say that Tigress is hardcore. Awesome. Badarse. So maybe we should write her that way. Some fan fics I read write that Tigress got defeated because she was hungry or tired and couldn't fight against a few adversaries. I roll me eyes. Bro! You cannot make hunger the reason why she's defeated😂 have you seen what she ate during the first KFP movie? Her meals consists of tea and a small, chewy block of tofu. Please. She had trained her body and mind to resist pain in a way that wouldn't affect her during battle. And don't go destroying her stamina either. If she can go the whole night just battling a bunch of wolves, without even so much as passing out then pulease, don't make tiredness as an excuse. But there are some exceptions though. Like maybe she got tired because she drained her chi. Then that's understandable. So much work.