#The very few people who were around me for the first half of 2020 KNOW the effect this man had on me

[pjo-hoo-toa-freakazoid]

A lil rant about my experience with this god forsaken fandom

I made this blog around 2020 when I was 13 years old. This was my first shot at a dedicated fandom blog and I was pretty excited for it, to make friends, draw fanart, post fun stuff and what not.

All fun right? Right, so tell me why was it that literal 20 years olds felt the need to harass me, a then 13 year old girl with a relatively small blog, for the dumbest reasons possible?

What did I do that subjected me to 2 and a half years worth constant daily threats and harassment? Hmm???

You wanna know my crime? Apparently I showed interest in an antagonist character, which is so awful that grown adults felt the need to bully me. And following those adults came young impressionable people my age, that joined the bandwagon of hate against me.

As if other fandoms don’t have people literally dedicating themselves to a villain, no one bats an eye to that. Why did this fandom have such an issue? I also apparently dared to criticise the main character for a few of his flaws. Such a horrible thing to do right? I need to be burnt at the stake for it right?

I didn’t follow the “fixed” standards of the fandom so I was to be sent de*th/r*pe threats daily?? For not following the “rules” I was to be ostracised?

No please someone explain…I’m but a dumb bitch, I don’t understand what I did so terribly wrong to deserve this? Did I start a war? Did I rip open someone’s plush? Did I bully someone for not having the same ideology as me?

No it was but the fandom itself that for some reason found it so fun to bully a 13 year old, send her de*th and r*pe threats all because of not being of pjo fandom standards…let’s go and bombard her with hate!!

Do you realise how fucking stupid…this all sounds? Do you realise how low this is? Was bullying a child so fun? So trendy at the time?

Then came the victim blaming- I laugh everytime I remember people saying I must have done something really bad to get such harassment, that it’s all for attention. What kid wants to get hate everyday of their life for 2 whole fucking years? Tell me?

You know wanna know what I did wrong? Fight back, call the hate anons out for their bigotry. I was vocal about it, that’s what I did wrong right? Stand my ground? People said to ignore it and I did. But I still got bullied daily even if I didn’t respond. What was all this for?

I can imagine people asking why I didn’t simply leave the fandom? Why the fuck should I? I enjoy the stories, I enjoy the characters, they were my escape from real life struggles. It was the bullying I didn’t enjoy. Everyday I’d log on to enjoy posts and a few minutes later when the bigots found out I was active I was sent an anonymous threat.

Many of my oldest friends had to reduce the amount they interacted with me in fear of receiving harassment themselves. The extent of this is bigotry is beyond my understanding.

I did not deserve this much suffering AND ALL FOR WHAT? A STUPID LITTLE REASON THAT HAS BARELY ANY WEIGHT TO IT. Do people even realise the extent of what happened is beyond me. And Idc if I sound selfish, I want a fucking apology from all those bigots. I want compensation for the 2 and a half years of abuse I endured alone. I just want this bigotry to end, which surprise surprise! Still continues to happen.

Why do I bring this up now that it’s all over you ask? I’ve actually brought it up once before, but it was swept under the rug, (My deepest appreciation to the very few people who supported me when I first talked about it) I’m just finally being more vocal, because this has stuck with me. For all those 4 years this has stuck with me. It doesn’t mean if it’s over for now that all the trauma doesn’t linger. It still affects me to this day.

In fact I’m still being stalked by one of the people who sent me hate anons. One of the hate anons was revealed to be one of my bestest friends, they had admitted this to me and had the nerve to beg me to still remain friends. They were also the person who groomed me. They have left the fandom scene and I’ve rid of them from my life but they still continue to stalk me.

What do I get from ranting about all this? A bit of solace, a bit of weight off my shoulders. But nearly not enough for me to actually fucking heal. I also want people to realise how bigoted some are and how horrible the mentality of “fixed fandom standards/ideologies” is and that we as a fandom need to fucking change. Heck I know this issues in every fandom. But can we at least start with ours for a change for once?

Along side all of this there’s also a lot of racism and trans/homophobia that still actively prevails. Just look at what Leah went through when her casting was announced. Did she deserve all of that?? “Not my annabeth” do you realise how horrible that is to say to a CHILD? She is Annabeth whether you like it or not. And you are very welcome to leave if you wish to stick to your stupid racist nonsense.

I bet there are many others who have probably suffered the same may it not be for the same reasons, but everyone of them deserve their apologies and compensation as well.

Idc if I’ll get hate for this. I said what I said. I’m just so done.

[toasttt11]

in another life

April 28, 2019

Clementine was leaning up against a wall around her IIHF U18 Team having completed the tournament early in the day and they were all hanging out in a empty hotel room, some playing cards or poker, some all huddling with their phones, a few half asleep on the floor, and some just talking and eating.

Clementine was leaning against the wall looking out the window showing the city of Sweden, she tensed as she felt an arm wrap around her shoulder before she smelt the cologne and slightly relaxed.

“Well hello gorgeous.” Braden Schneider greeted her with his flirty smirk.

“Schneider.” Clementine deadpanned, she has known him for a few years now, playing him multiple times a year in the WHL and being teammates for Team Canada and they have the same NHL draft class.

“Aww, no smile for me.” Braden sadly pouted poking at her cheek making her bit her lip to stop her smile hating how he has grown on her over the years, “I saw that.” He smugly grinned at his favorite girl.

“Shut up.” Clementine grumbled crossing her arms over her chest but not moving away from his arm.

“Never.” Braden promised with a smile looking around before discreetly pressing a quick kiss to her cheek, “I will see you later Clemsy.” Braden winked at her and is the only one to call her that.

Clementine cursed in her mind as she felt her cheeks grow hot.

Jamie Drysdale happened to see the interaction between his two teammates and walked over giving his friend a look.

“James don’t.” Clementine gave him a stern look back. Clementine and Jamie had quickly become quick friends within the first time they met and they seemed to just click.

“I wasn’t going to.” Jamie innocently smiled holding his hands up in defense.

“Mhm.” Clementine hummed not believing a word he said, knowing Jamie is very sweet but also looks very innocent meaning he easily gets away with anything.

October 6, 2020

Clementine was watching the rest of the draft after getting drafted number one to the New Jersey Devils.

She sat on the couch watching it with Connor as the rest of her family was outside celebrating still.

“The New York Rangers are proudly to select Braden Schneider.”

Clementine perked up slightly at the name and clapped with a small smile getting a teasing look from her younger brother which she ignored.

She pulled up her phone pulling up her texts with Braden, “Looks like we are rivals again.” She texted and shut off her phone letting out a chuckle at the coincidence.

The two having been rivals the last three seasons and now they are drafted to the two teams that have one of the biggest rivals in the NHL.

“It’s fate Clemsy :).” Braden texted back the second he had a free second and smiled at Clementine texting him.

Connor made kissing sounds seeing his sister smiling at her phone, Clementine elbowed him giving him a look, “Do not be a brat.”

Connor just smiled shaking his head.

December 19, 2020

Clementine put her hotel key against the door for her hotel room for the WJC and walked into the room and saw the bathroom light on and door closed and knew it was her roommate, she didn’t know who it would be but she only had a few people that rooms with her so she didn’t bother to find out exactly who it was.

She set her bags down on the floor next to the empty bed not hearing the bathroom door open and someone walk up behind her only when she felt arms wrap around her waist to spin her around.

She froze for a second before hearing an all familiar laugh and she relaxed into the backwards hug as he spun them around before setting her back down on the ground.

Clementine spun around turning to face Braden who was staring at her with a smile across his face, she wrapped her arms around his neck pulling him into a hug.

Braden smiled wider and hugged her tightly back.

The two started getting closer or rather Clementine started accepting her feelings for him and over the last nine months of being in quarantine they have facetimed and texted a lot and got a lot closer than they already were.

“Hi.” Braden whispered cupping her face, looking at her with a fond smile.

“Hi.” Clementine whispered back with a smile before she bit her lip and leaned up on her toes pressing her lips to his, Braden hand moved down to the lower of her back pulling her closer to him.

“Took you long enough.” Braden teased panting slightly as they pulled back.

“Shut up.” Clementine fondly rolled eyes whispering against his lips.

“Gladly.” Braden whispered before pressing his lips back against hers.

November 23, 2021

Clementine and Braden officially got together after they saw each other again at the WJC at the end of 2020 and their families weren’t surprised when they finally got together, they both kept their relationship private only family and some friends knowing not wanting anyone in their private life.

They loved being in a relationship and the two just fit each other so well, especially as Braden just seemed to bring out a more silly side of Clementine and they both experienced their first relationship.

But it was difficult, Clementine being in the NHL and having her rookie year and living in New Jersey and Braden switching between the AHL and WHL never having any time to see each other besides in the summer and they both knew it couldn’t work out forever.

He came to visit her for a few days having gotten a few days off and luckily so did Clementine.

Clementine rested her arm againt his bare arm laying in silence covered by a silk sheet feeling the slight cool chill in the room, Braden fingers were tracing her spine.

“I’m sorry.” Clementine whispered, she wanted a relationship to work with Braden, she really did. He was her first in a lot and she never regretted anything but she regretted how they just seemed to not be able to work out and how it just wasn’t easy.

“I’m sorry too Clemsy.” Braden kissed the top of her head, not only was she someone he had fallen in love with but she had become his best friend over the years and he hated that no matter how hard they tried they knew it wouldn’t work out between them.

They both deserved an amazing relationship and be treated the way they deserved and being in a long distance relationship and having schedules that don’t aline made it very difficult for that to happen.

“You are so gorgeous and i was lucky to be able to love you and to get the chance to be loved by you. You’re gonna find someone that it’s just easy with.” Braden held her face in his hands memorizing everything up close in case he never gets the chance again.

“And you are a totally asshole but you’re kind and funny and seem to light up a room no matter what, anyone will be luckily to have you B.” Clementine whispered back giving him a small sad smile and resting her forehead against his. Braden let out a small sad laugh.

They knew in another life they would’ve of worked out.

[eazy-peazy54]

My problem with the Will Wood fandom, (a.k.a touch grass, a.k.a stan culture can suck it) (an essay.)

This one is LONG and a DOOZY, so buckle up if you like to read.

just want to clarify, i do NOT hate the will wood fandom in itself. AT ALL. I love you guys (/p)

i just dislike the people who say weird and creepy shit. if that doesnt apply to you, cool! but tell the people who do that shit to knock it off.

NO DISCOURSE IN THE REBLOGS I WILL ATTACK YOU

One HUGE gripe I have with the Will Wood fandom is how some of you guys treat Will Wood like (and this is literally the only way I can put this that isn't too serious) some all-powerful deity of knowledge that you would kill AND die for. In this essay, I will explain why [some of] you are fucking creeps.

Will Wood. Where do I begin. For the very few who are unaware, Will Wood is a singer-songwriter who makes very strange avant garde whatchamacallit evil jazz/swing music. He has been known as Will Wood since 2015, where he released his first album, Everything Is A Lot, under the name Will Wood and the Tapeworms.

Me personally, I first heard of him from the song Dr. Sunshine Is Dead, from the good old days of 2018 animation meme Youtube.

Ever since the inevitable Tiktokification of the song I / Me / Myself, from The Normal Album, the Will Wood fandom has become... well.. full of children. I have no place to speak, of course, because I myself, am a teenager, but I'm talking like. 11-14 year olds.

11-14 year olds who are all fucking INSANE.

Will Wood has been put in what I like to call;

The Holy Trinity.

This being the big three artists who the mentally ill queers (like me) listen to.

Lemon Demon, Tally Hall, and of course, Will Wood.

Being in this holy trinity has both done him good, and bad. On the positive side, yay!! More streams, more plays, more people to appreciate the craft, and more people who like the music! On the negative side, now you have an army of children listening to adult music, interacting with adult music and music videos, who are willing to do ANYTHING to get your attention, because they are young and don't know much better.

And here, stuck in the middle of it all, is poor William.

Stuck as a straight "gay icon," in a sea of twelve year olds.

Well shit.

---

Leading to the second part of my half-essay.

2020. The year shit changed for Will Wood. The Normal Album was released, and people found themselves relating to I / Me / Myself, as stated before. Then this "new," unheard of fandom was kind of birthed upon Tiktok. They were treating him like fucking jesus.

Which is weird.

They were sad, gay, looking for answers, and found them in Will's music. Which is like. Cool!

But when people were saying that he was trans, and then switched up and said he was making fun of trans people?

Yeah. Not that cool actually.

Coming back to the present now, Will has stated how weird these kids are.

In a response from a AMA for In Case I Make It on the official Will Wood subreddit, (I know. Ew, gross, Reddit, but this post was what inspired me to make this in the first place, so,) Will says this:

---

"When I was living in the sticks along the Delaware during the pandemic, I had this weird sort of mystical thing going on inside my head that was trying connect dots in my life and turn meaningless nothing things into signs that I would die.

This was happening around the same time I was dealing with getting actual public attention for the first time, and was living in an area where nobody wore masks, and was living with people who were at risk of serious covid complications if they caught it. Also for most of it I was the dreaded 27, and having been a bit of a junkie in my younger years and an idiot with a barely-treated psychiatric wreck in my brain for most of the ones following it, it was not unlike me to assume I'd die young.

It just seemed too perfect.

As I was dealing with the reception of the normal album (my first truly scathing reviews, I/Me/Myself "discourse," being the subject of conversation on a larger scale) which was beyond what I was prepared for psychologically in terms of its scope and type, my anxious rumination started to veer toward genuine paranoia.

I started thinking that I would die by my own hand or be murdered by one of these crazed Will Wood fans in the dead of night. So I didn't sleep like ever, I lost a bunch of weight and couldn't gain it back for a while, I freaked out a whole bunch and I'm surprised looking back I never lost my sobriety or whatever.

Since it started to look more and more like cosmic fact that I was doomed, I started to feel greater and greater desperation to get out these songs that I had been quietly writing over the previous year or two. Songs I'd written while going through a big breakup and wrestling with rotten parts of me that were finally accessible due to my finally being properly medicated and dealing with the real shit in therapy. And then songs I'd written as I went through these changes."

---

Obviously that is a lot to unpack for a Tumblr essay, but since you’re this far, you probably read it all already.

“Stans,” as most would call them, and “Stan Culture” as a whole, is just a huge wreck. Everyone is always fighting someone. We know this. We all do. Stans scare artists. 

I want you to think. Think of the artists who are inspired by Will Wood. The ones who want to cater out their music to the Will Wood fans. Imagine if you will, those artists seeing that AMA post, seeing the crazed fans, seeing the relentless sexualization, the jokes about serious issues, like Will’s past drug use, seeing all of this and thinking:

“Is it really worth it?

Is it really worth all of this to make music and put myself out there?”

Now, that may make you uncomfortable, but it's the honest truth. And it's happened to so many people, and so many artists. 

---

And now a message to the disgraced kids who managed to latch on to Will Wood’s music.

Treating a musical artist like a god is not gonna help anyone. I’d know. I’ve seen it happen multiple times, to multiple artists. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is think before posting on the internet. Think to yourself; would I say this to the artist's face? Could someone see this and think differently of me? Is this just weird to say in general?

Remember that these people are real people. Will Wood is a real person. With real thoughts. real feelings. a life to live. He's not just some music making machine. He’s not just some silly character. He’s not just some whimsical guy who we can all project onto.

Will Wood is a real person, and everyone should treat him that way. 

Thank you for reading.

(I will edit this essay if I think of anything else to add. That or I'll just reblog it.)

[combines]

hello again!! as someone who comes from the 2020 fandom resurgence I am. SO SORRY. that happened a lot unfortunately. yeah we did NOT know how to act early on (ToT). I had the vibe it was a lot of people's first online fandoms.

the ship with two guys in it being dubbed butter pecan because of something something 'a lot of nuts' is again, so, so funny. Thank you for enlightening me on this, I know it's probably wild to be asked about this stuff like a decade after. This is like honestly a bit of a mystery in the fandom so it's insane finding out the source!! A real miracle the person who coined it so long ago is still active on tumblr

And speaking, it is and was INSANELY hard to dig for any 'fandom history' or even just any sort of Old post on here and I hate it.

another little question if that's okay- I'd assume that seeing the change in reception to freemance and freehoun kinda swapping around must've been bizarre as an older fan considering this was a fandom for a fps game in the early 2000's-early 2010's, in my head the vibes were kinda reversed where freemance was the big ship and freehoun was less well received by most

hiii again!!! i'm so sorry it took me a few days to answer this sdkfsmdk

i think it's super funny because both half-life: alyx and hlvrai came out within weeks of each other so you had this sort of resurgence on here of old fans returning/posting and getting excited for alyx and then a huge wave of people getting into hl in general because of the audience that hlvrai introduced. personally, i still haven't watched hlvrai because it doesn't really seem like my thing, but i'm still glad that there were so many people who enjoyed it to the point where they actually ended up playing and loving the games too!!

freemance definitely was the big ship on tumblr back in the day so yes it was very interesting to see that reversal!!!! honestly i don't think i was on tumblr too much during that time where hlvrai/freehoun really took off, and so the drama surrounding ship wars or whatever was mentioned to me secondhand. 2020 was just like the worst year of my life for personal reasons, as i'm sure for a lot of people, and i can't remember really any of it tbh LOL but you've got nothing to apologize for! i think you're definitely right, it seemed like a first fandom for many people, and that generally skewed younger. i think (hope) it's a better now at least!

tumblr's tagging/tracking/search is HORRIBLE i completly understand. i still think tumblr is the best place for fandom centralized stuff (pictures, art, gifs, etc) and until there's a new platform that does it better, i'll probably still be here, if super sporadically!

if you are interested in uncovering past hl fandom posts or just looking to follow some great people, i've tagged just some that were active in the hl fandom back in the day!!! :') i'm sure they wouldn't mind if you combed their archive looking for hl stuff/shitposts <3

@mbelyakova @littlewitchbee @temunade2 @loplins @angels-heap @anndromedea @skellagirl @bioticbear @cortnan @duamuteffe @protokol @cerviceps @axiolotl @clodiuspulcher @caramujotan @drgertiefremontphd @jauffre @owligator @saikkunen @utopianoverlord @failssafe @brogineer

[fatphobiabusters]

I'm absolutely shocked to learn that one of the McElroy brothers actually knows what fatphobia is.

I enjoy listening to the podcast My Brother My Brother and Me by the McElroy brothers but have been extremely disappointed at how much fatphobia is in the podcast, especially the episodes before the past few years. Some of the episodes were so fatphobic that I genuinely could not listen to them. Granted, those were older episodes, but it was extremely disappointing how they were still saying fatphobic "jokes" during episodes in the 300s and 400s, meanwhile they had already long ago turned around to become very inclusive of other oppressed groups.

Sadly, the main brother who would say most of the fatphobic comments was Justin, who is fat himself. So many episodes also include Justin supporting diet culture, talking about his attempts to lose weight, etc. An episode in the 300s or 400s was actually the first time I'd ever heard the diet culture rhetoric that fat people shouldn't be allowed to eat fruit, and the person who said that and was in support of that was fellow fat person Justin. Though of course, Griffin and Travis were not innocent of this problem either.

I was so disappointed and tired of the fatphobia, especially because of how hypocritical it felt due to the brothers now being very well known for their support of equality, that some time in the past few months I sent an email explaining the issue. I didn't expect a reply or for them to mention it on the podcast, I knew there was a chance they might not even see the email. That's why I never mentioned me sending an email about it even on social media like this blog.

But then, to my most unfathomable shock, I was listening to episode 417 of their podcast on YouTube. Keep in mind the context that the brothers are now nearly at episode 700 of MBMBAM, so this episode was made even before the 2020s began 4 years ago. At minute 17:30, during a bit about the characters of Friends that I was only half listening to because I've never watched the original show, Travis actually says BY NAME "fatphobia." Not even "fat shaming." He literally said the word "fatphobia."

I had to fumble with my phone to pause the video and listen to that part again because there was no way I heard him say fatphobia, especially in an episode released in 2018! But he did! So I guess this leaves me stunned and confused. The fatphobia in the podcast has indeed gotten better, but it still needs work. So I guess I should feel hopeful? Since at least one of them knows what fatphobia is? I'm still just so shocked.

-Mod Worthy

[she-karev]

First Day Back (Japril Imagine)

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: One of Five

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Ship: Jackson Avery x April Kepner

Canon Episode: Season 17 Episode 6

Summary: April goes back to work at Grey Sloan and has an awkward interaction with Amber after their fight. She later talks to Jackson about their fight but leaves before revealing more.

AN: Hey guys so I’m sick that’s why I haven’t posted all week but I’m about to give you guys some Japril content where things really start to get interesting, like and reblog below and let me know what you think.

Words: 1632

April 29th, 2020

April Kepner stands in front of the elevator of the Grey Sloan lobby feeling nervous about her first night back as a trauma surgeon. Normally she would be doing work at the clinic but since they added 20 locum tenens to their staff April isn’t needed as much and her schedule has been cut in half.

Feeling like she could fill that time in by helping more people during this crisis she called Catherine about coming back to Grey Sloan part time and she and Bailey were all for it needing all the help they can get. And being here and seeing all the changes that they’ve been forced to make has April feeling bad for leaving at all. At the very least she can help out and lessen the load even a little bit and maybe save a life or two. Also she can take supplies for her clinic so her homeless patients can be protected. Anything to distract herself from the manila envelope inside her purse that she’s carrying.

Yesterday a courier gave her an envelope with divorce papers inside with her exes Matthew Taylor’s signature already on the dotted line. April has come to understand since her first divorce that the topic isn’t such a big deal but still having to sign your second divorce papers brings an unsettling feeling in her stomach. It’s not the divorce that upsets her but rather her own reaction to it…and her lingering thoughts about Jackson since they kissed two weeks ago.

When it happened, Jackson was upset that Amber was positive with covid and April was comforting him with a hug. It escalated when he kissed her and she reacted by instinct, like it was something she never forgot how to do. But then she stepped back knowing Jackson would be conflicted about it and told him it was a stupid mistake so she could save herself from the pain again.

Except now that pain is still there and a longing for Jackson Avery that never went away even when she married Matthew. Even with their cordial interactions the last two years April can’t help but feel that she and Jackson circle around each other like gravity. And she isn’t sure if she should fight it again to save herself from the pain or give in and possibly have a better outcome with Jackson than last time.

“Hey.” April looks to her left to see Amber Karev standing six feet away in her baby blue scrubs, N95 mask and face shield. Her tone from the hey is polite and makes April guess her friend is trying to tread lightly after their argument three nights ago where they both said hurtful things to each other.

“Hey.” April greets back with a curt nod, “I haven’t seen you around the apartment the last few days, are you working late?”

“No it’s my first day back actually. I’m staying at a hotel for now.” Amber explains to April who nods, “I’m trying to keep a tiny bubble after quarantine, and I don’t want to risk exposing Harriet so I’m looking for a new place right now.”

April thinks to herself if Amber having covid is warranting this move or their fight but Amber doesn’t notice as she asks, “Anyways what are you doing here? Do you have a patient here?”

“Um not yet. It’s my first day back, I’m coming back part time.”

Amber’s eyes widen at this news, “Oh, Jackson did not tell me this so this is a very big surprise.”

“Yeah it just happened, I wanted to help out since the clinic has more doctors and if I did nothing I would kick myself.”

“So, are you back in the OR?”

April groans at that, “No I wish, I’m gonna help out in the pit and manage the overflow. One minute back and I feel like I’m back in Iraq only there’s no one shooting at me.”

“It’s how it always feels.” Amber states gloomy before the elevator doors open with a ding.

“Stop that train!” The women look to see Jackson yelling as he power walks to them outside the elevator. He is in his casual clothes having come to start his shift as well.

“Dramatic much?” Amber chuckles.

“It’s from a movie.” Jackson explains to Amber who looks confused, “The Dresser? 1983? Albert Finney? You’re doing this on purpose aren’t you.”

“Dude as far as I’m concerned the world began the day I was born, you going?”

“Uh no, I’ll let you guys go and I’ll get the next one.” Jackson offers to the women who both look uncomfortable at using a small space together.

Amber clears her throat behind her mask, “Um you know what I am gonna take the stairs it’s probably safer anyway I’ll see you later bye.”

April nods at that slightly hurt as Amber walks away from them. She walks inside the elevator with Jackson who saw the exchange that sparks his curiosity.

April sighs and explains while the doors close, “We had a little…thing a tiff the night she came back. It’s fine were fine.”

April and Amber's Fight Here

“She took the stairs and you’re not talking to each other?” Jackson points out in worry, “At least tell me this isn’t the part where I have to take sides because both of you scare me, and I don’t want my head on a platter.”

April chuckles, “No we were talking, that was talking, it’s fine we’re fine.”

“That is a lot of fines.” Jackson observes in amusement, “What were you guys fighting about anyway?”

April groans and recaps to her ex, “I called her out for sleeping with DeLuca the night before and already plotting on breaking his heart. I might have overreacted because of my own issues concerning mixed signals and called her selfish which I feel bad about, so I don’t need you to do that for me thank you. I want to apologize but she said some things too and I’m mad as well and want her to apologize first. It’s a vicious cycle and now we’re barely acknowledging each other and talking when we need to so…it’s a great first day back.”

Jackson is shocked by this and closes his eyes to process, “Amber slept with DeLuca?”

April raises an eyebrow at that and the doors open in front of them with a ding, “That’s the only thing you got from me?”

They both walk out and head to the attendings lounge side by side six feet apart, “No I got the rest it’s just that hearing my best friend sleeping with her ex while in quarantine is something I’m trying to process first and then the rest.”

“Yeah I know how you feel about him.” April says understanding, “And I know he hurt her but he’s had a hard year. And he apologized for it repeatedly. I’ve been where he’s at when the person you love doesn’t want anything beyond a one-night stand only it’s not a one night if you live and work together. And seeing that person and knowing they are never gonna be all in is torture and in this time, it will make DeLuca hit a breaking point again.”

April exhales frustrated and sees Jackson looking at her knowingly with a raised eyebrow, “Yeah I might have projected my own feelings onto her situation.”

“Might have?” Jackson asks with a grin, “I’ll give you this you had a fight with Amber and walked away with all of your teeth you might be the first.”

“Well DeLuca is first actually.” April tells him, “And I know you’re on her side, not against me but on her conflicting feelings for DeLuca. I know your probably disappointed in her for going back to him and it’s another thing she’s gonna hold over me.”

Jackson sighs opening the lounge door for April and they both enter the empty room. Jackson takes his mask off that he looks at in his hands with thought while April looks at him waiting for his response.

“A few weeks ago, I would march right up to DeLuca and tell him he doesn’t have a shot in hell with her even after that night…but things changed.” April looks surprised by this change in heart concerning DeLuca and Amber, “You know he was there for her the whole time she was sick? He brought her food, he coordinated with the nurses, and she didn’t call security on him when he visited which is a big sign that she didn’t sleep with him out of desperation. I uh…I think if given the chance he might not screw things up with her again.”

April nods supporting this and supporting DeLuca’s attempts to get back on Amber’s good side. She wonders if Amber was right that night about Jackson being reluctant to trust her like she is reluctant to trust DeLuca. She wonders if her actions five years ago had the same effect on Jackson as DeLuca’s had on Amber a few months ago. Her thought train stops as Jackson continues.

“I’ll deny ever having said that, especially to Alex.” Jackson states with a grin, “So what did Amber say to make you upset with her anyway?”

April inhales as she dreads hashing up that part of the night especially to Jackson, luckily her phone beeps.

“Um I gotta go my shift is about to start but we’ll talk later.”

Jackson nods, “Yeah I should get ready too, I’ll come down to the pit and see how you are.”

“Thanks.” April grabs her scrubs in the cubby and goes to the bathroom to change leaving Jackson to wonder why she suddenly changed the subject. He suspects whatever Amber told her the night they fought had to do with him.

Next Part Here

[dumbpuppycatgirl]

how do I tell if I’m trans

(sorry your my only transfem moot (I think))

Short answer:

I know because being a girl(-adjacent being) makes me happy. Moving towards happiness helped me (even though i sabotage myself at every step every day)

See also:

https://amitrans.org/

https://turn-me-into-a-girl.com/

https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en

My full story under the cut:

My story starts in 2020, like so many modern trans stories do, when i was stuck online and found a new community where someone came out as trans. I asked her a lot of questions and she told me to experiment.

So i experimented, i bought skirts and other clothing online; bought like an anime school girl outfit because idk cute?

I started pretending to be a girl on reddit and discord when i joined a large overwatch server under a mew account, trying out several names.

On reddit i also started looking into trans memes and started reading experiences of trans people.

Within a few months i had made a first decision for myswlf really sternly: i do not want to be a guy.

I started talking about it with my therapist and she was very helpful and supportive.

The community i joined at the start of this story i found more friends and more queer friends and we were joking around having fun.

A real life friend bought some make up for me when i talked with her about me questioning, which was very nice but even 3 years later i have barely actually used any of it. I am terrified of make up, and hate seeing my face. Always hated seeing my face.

In my reading and relating to trans stories i stumbled upon the three websites linked above. The genderdysphoria bibke eslecially was extremely helpful.

After making that first decision around december 2020 and getting help from resl life people around early 2021 it still took forever to answer "if not a man, then what?" Im not sure i have the answer now. What i have figured out now that i have tried make up, wear more femme clothing, go by a fem name and changed my legsl gender is that im generally much happier being a woman.

Im not sure im a woman, or at least maybe not always, but "woman" is much much closer to what i 'am' than "man", if that makes sense.

During the second half of my questioning phase, when i read the dysphoria bible, i started realising that mayyyybe there were hints during my childhood... wanting to play a girl character during the one singular open theatre day i attended when i was like 11 or so might have been a clue.

I realised that my obsession with TF-TG comics was not a cis thing lmao. I realised that men generally dont feel "cursed" to have the body they have.

I did make some changes to my body over time, though, as i started living on my own also in 2020 to be a student i had much more freedom to do things secretly. Bought jewelry to wear inside only, and dyed my hair, which was amazing.

During the summer of 2021, my cousin got married, and i had to wear a suit, of course, which felt painful. Cementing my not wanting to be a man feeling. Dead eye smile all the way.

Later that year i had some talks with my brother about feeling so extremely limited in my choices for clothing and expression and what not and that being a man felt like a prison. He was very nice about it and said that clothing is not gendered if youre not a coward. I liked that a lot.

Soon after i came out as trans fem to my close online friends (none of who were surprised). Meer my now boyfriend that winter and everything was great.... except no one irl knew.

Still took me 3 months to come out to my neighbours (student living so i spent a lot of time with them) and my family. Both coming out messages were sent over WhatsApp at like 2 am and turned off my phone and locked the door. Coming out is hard.

Since then, now 2.5 years later, it had not been all roses and sunshine. But it has been better. I started to feel like i was a person, i started being able to think about a future, beyond extremely surface level, "guess, I'll get a job somewhere and get s house idk". My dad remarked that i stood much more upright when wearing my dress than when boymoding.

My parents luckily took it extremely well, they kinda also had to, as since my coming out my 2 brothers have also been fruity lmao. Within 6 months my family went from "good christian family with 3 sons" to having a trans girl, a gay and a femboy. Im still convinced my mom is an egg. I like my queer family.

Anyway, moral of the story is this: experiment and do what makes you happy. I still dont know how to label myself completely but that is also not too important. Im much happier with myself now than before.

[nitrateglow]

Scattered thoughts on the West Side Story remake

In general, I really enjoyed the film, largely on the strength of the performances. Everyone ranged from pretty good to amazing, with Rachel Ziegler and Ariana DeBose being the standouts. And Rita Moreno's supporting part was brilliant-- I like how she was given a substantial role and not just a lame ass cameo.

The music and dancing were great too. Ziegler's voice is just gorgeous. One trend I don't like in some modern musicals is casting famous people who cannot sing (Russell Crowe in Les Mis and Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia still haunt my nightmares). While not everyone here is a 100% unknown, I like that everyone seems to have been hired because they can actually hit the notes.

I thought the beefed up backstories for some of the characters were really interesting. (Chino's buffed up personality and background were my favorite of these new touches. He goes from being a breathing plot device to a truly tragic figure in this version.) I know some people don't like how Tony was made into an ex-con, but I appreciate that this time around they wanted to make him feel more like a credible ex-gang member. That's something I never bought in the 1961 film.

Speaking of the 1961 version, I haven't seen it in a few years, so I can't compare the two in more detail, though I do remember enough to where I can say I preferred the staging and direction in certain scenes in the older film. A lot of it has to do with my personal aesthetic preferences though.

Like, I'm not as crazy about Spielberg's staging of Tony and Maria's first encounter at the dance. The dancing between the rival groups is spectacular, but there's so much going on that the lovers get overwhelmed by it. The blocking of the scene has them retreat behind the bleachers to have their first dance (a parallel to showing Romeo and Juliet's instant chemistry through a conversation in sonnet form). However, I much prefer the 1961 film's dreamy approach, where time slows and only the lovers remain in focus. I get not wanting to repeat such an iconic moment or it coming off as corny in the 2020s, but I don't think it was replaced by anything of equal inspiration.

Actually, this brings me to a general issue I had with the remake's more pronounced "gritty and realistic" approach. One on hand, it makes sense-- the original show and 1961 film were noted for their realism, or at least, their very expressionist-tinged realism. It's meant to contrast with the romanticism of the lovers, who like Romeo and Juliet, want to go "Somewhere" their love won't be poisoned by divided loyalties and violence.

However, the more pronounced sense of unvarnished reality has two drawbacks in Spielberg's version. One, it makes the "falling in honestly and truly love in less than 48 hours" thing a bit harder to swallow. I can buy love at first sight in heightened, operatic reality-- less so in a setting that wants to resemble everyday reality.

Second, there are a hell of a lot of moments where characters break into song and the extras around them give them "wtf" looks. It's like the gag in Enchanted where Giselle starts singing in the park and Robert's like, "what now," only that movie's a meta-parody of animated musicals and WSS wants me to invest in this world and these characters. Having other people go "0_0" when someone sings takes me out the movie. You can't have your old-fashioned musical and your 21st century "lol irony take nothing seriously" schtick in the same film.

But overall, I really enjoyed this one. It's a remake that isn't just a rehash of a beloved film and it makes decisions that distinguish it completely. I plan on rewatching the 60s version, actually, just to reintroduce myself to it, since it has been over half a decade now.

[rhetoricandlogic]

Alexandra Pierce Reviews

Some Desperate Glory by Emily Tesh

April 21, 2023

Getting through the first few chapters of this debut novel required trust. I haven’t read Emily Tesh’s Greenhollow duology (2019 and 2020), so I had no sense of what her work is like. I have read a lot of Tordotcom’s publications, though, so I had to hope that there was more to the story than initially met my eye. You see, the first few chapters were both oddly familiar and creepy. The familiarity came from an opening setup like many military SF stories: humanity striving against aliens and impossible odds, doing what’s right for the species, individuals subsumed to the military cause (and the ‘‘population targets’’; at which no one who’s read Joanna Russ’s We Who Are About To can help but shudder). The creepiness is in reading this in 2023, from a woman, and from a publish­ing house that I know for its progressive work. It took a leap of faith to keep going.

It did eventually become clear Tesh has crafted an outstanding novel for her debut precisely in subverting all those tropes that troubled me. Indeed, early as it is in 2023, I’ll say it’s likely to be one of the best debut novels of the year.

Valkyr – Kyr to most people – has grown up on Gaea, the last noncollaborating outpost of humanity left after the destruction of Earth. She’s a warbreed, genetically enhanced, and constant drills, plus seeing every other person as competi­tion, have made her very, very good at fighting. Her entire life revolves around the expectation that she will assigned to a combat unit so that she can strike a blow against the majo – all the alien species who contributed to the destruction of Earth, and its 14 billion inhabitants. The only person she really has time for is her brother, Magnus, since her older sister Ursa turned traitor and left Gaea many years ago. Eventually Kyr is compelled to leave Gaea on a mission of her own devising – taking humanity’s revenge on the aliens into her own hands, after feeling betrayed by Gaea’s hierarchy. And that’s when everything starts to unravel.

There is a long list of content warnings that precede the opening of Some Desperate Glory, particularly around the attitudes and language of some of the characters (they gave me heart that there was more going on than initial impressions suggested, although other readers may find them off-putting; it’s a more hopeful book than the warnings may suggest). One of the warnings is around radicalization, Kyr and the entire cohort of Gaea having been radicalized by the adults in charge. Once Kyr has left Gaea, she begins a slow and painful deradicalization – which requires, in the first place, a recognition that such a thing is necessary, itself a deeply troubling experience. She is aided in this partly by new people – an alien held captive on Gaea, and a friend of her brother who really doesn’t fit Gaean expectations – but also by finally seeing more clearly the people who have always been around her, especially Magnus.

Kyr is rarely likeable, especially in the first half of the novel. She is driven and ambitious and passionate – all qualities that can be turned to good or evil, and her circumstances on Gaea mean that those qualities were turned early on towards a single goal: revenge on aliens, whom she does not see as people. She is an unpleasant messmate, singularly focused on making the rest of her mess into appropriate Gaean citizens; she is as emotionally ignorant as it is possible to be, and entirely lacking in self-awareness beyond her fighting abilities. She is exactly what Gaea has trained her to be. Tesh’s ability to present all of that and still make Kyr a compelling character – to make her development and gradual change make sense within her context – are testament to her remarkable talent. The rest of the cast, while important, rather pale in comparison to the monumental journey Kyr is on, emotionally and intellectually.

Tesh presents no easy answers to the issues she raises. The Earth really was destroyed, because the Wisdom deemed that it was necessary to do so for the greatest good. The Wisdom, something like an AI with the ability to shape and change reality, was built thousands of years ago by the majo. This is what Kyr is ultimately confronted by: both the Wisdom itself, and also its reasons for acting. Is it appropriate to sacrifice one for the many – in this case, a truly galactic-scale version of the trolley problem: one planet for how many others?

This is a spectacular space opera. It’s bold, imaginative, occasionally grim, and ultimately hopeful that individuals can change, and can make a difference. It’s not a light read – with themes like genocide and racism, that would be hard – but it’s rewarding, and I suspect will reward a second and third reading.

[galactic-johnny]

P-bandai HG Todesritter.

I actually finished this a while ago and took pictures but I didn't feel like posting until now.

This is the only member of the pale rider family I've been able to get my hands on so far, but hopefully in the near future they'll do reprints of others. The pale rider line is sort of infamous for being a mold bandai put not effort into and slapped a bunch of stickers on. The original kit came out 2015 and was one of the first p-bandai kits that was a completely unique mold (although from what I understand its similar to the hg gm sniper ii). They then proceeded to release its variants, which reused a most of the runners but had all new, equally huge sticker sheets.

The HG Todesritter then came out in 2020 with a completely new mold, and proceed to also have a ton of stickers for all of the gold, most of the gold/gray vents, and some of the white, and still used a bunch of polycaps.

At this point I almost refuse to use stickers aside from metallic eye/sensor stickets, so I tried my hand with gundam markers and I'm pretty happy with out it came out, and at least half the gold parts were actually very easy to color in myself. It sounds like I'm complaining but honestly it was worth the effort, the Todesritter is a such a cool combination of federation and neo zeon design.

It also two really fun gimmicks, being the incoms and the subarms for the huge beam sabers, complete with mastergarde beam saber effect parts. The shield looks cool but is all molded in the dark blue, and was the hardest part for me to paint with gundam markers but I was not going to use a sticker that folded 20 different times.

It's also very big, almost as big as the RG Hi-Nu Gundam, and it big enough to toss the normal sized Lfrith around.

The build was fun if you actually enjoy the painting part to some degree like I do, but there were a few flimsy parts, like the front skirts that are connected to the piping that kept coming loose, the wing binders are on a polycap so those fall a lot, and only the left leg fell off a lot for some reason. If you can get through those the articulation is pretty okay but not as good as most of the gwitch kits for comparison.

I didn't play gundam side story missing link or read the manga, but I think the gist is that during the first neo zeon war the Todesritter was built using the cockpit of the original pale rider that got destroyed in the one year war with the HADES system intact, and is piloted by the guy that destroyed the original pale rider, who is also married to its pilot, and she is now dead/dying because of the effects of the HADES system on her. If that's correct feel free to let me know.

It's currently the most effort I've put into a kit, but worth it imo and I don't regret it, I actually want to try the original pale rider now. I first saw it in Gundam Evolution and it was one of my favorite designs, and apparently a lot of people like it because bandai keeps doing reprints and has done all of the variants of it, maybe soon they'll do a master grade version (p-bandai of course :( ).

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I’ve been going through the Robins/James radio episodes, and have been sort of keeping up with the rest of John Robins’ things in chronological order. Heard him plug his first RHLSTP episode on the radio, and then listened to that episode. Re-listened to his 2014 and 2015 stand-up shows when I reached those points in the radio show. Listening to this show has been making me want to re-watch The Darkness of Robins, but I’m going to wait to do that until I’m at the point in the radio show where he starts performing Darkness of Robins (I think that’ll be around spring 2017, I’m currently into October 2016 on the radio). I find it interesting to hear all these things in context, to listen to them when I know exactly what John Robins was doing when they were recorded because he discusses it for three hours a week on the radio.

He’s appeared on Mock the Week twice. Once was in July 2016, which he plugged a few times on the radio show before it aired, and then discussed it on the radio after it aired. I re-watched it when I got to those episodes, and it was fine. He didn’t say much. He got a couple of half decent jokes in.

I have now reached the point of his second and (understandably) final Mock the Week appearance, which was in October 2016. He first mentioned it on the radio in September 2016, when he said he’d received a jury summons, and had to tell them he couldn’t do it because it would conflict with Mock the Week filming. And I kept saying… no! No, don’t do it, John! Go serve on the jury! Do your civic duty! Take the excuse to get out of Mock the Week!

But he was let out of jury service. He plugged his Mock the Week appearance again the week before it. I was curious to get to the first radio episode after his second Mock the Week appearance aired, because I wanted to see what he’d say about it. I listened to that episode today, and the answer was nothing. No mention of the panel show whatsoever, from John or from Elis. This was a glaring omission, as they debriefed about it after the first time he went on there and after the time Elis went on there. But it seems that they decided his second appearance was such a disaster that it’s not even a lighthearted enough thing to make jokes about, they just need to pretend it didn’t happen.

This episode is the main reason why I vaguely disliked John Robins for several years. I knew almost nothing about him, except that he did a radio show with Isy Suttie’s husband and he used to date Sara Pascoe and live with Jon and Russell in Bristol. Then I saw him in the trainwreck of a Mock the Week episode, where he came off as an absolute prick, and I decided I do not like that man who used to date and/or live with those other comedians. I saw him on a few other things – As Yet Untitled, he guested on the radio show with Richardson – but at that point the fact that I’d already decided I disliked him just made his presence there annoy me more. I continued to hold this opinion until November 2022, when I watched The Darkness of Robins, and I nearly got whiplash from how fast I turned my view of him around. It turns out that you shouldn’t judge people just from one panel show appearance that they filmed while they were having a bad time.

So I’m now going to re-watch that second Mock the Week episode, which I haven’t actually seen since I first watched Mock the Week in the fall of 2020. I just remember it being bad. He was on there with Sara Pascoe, who was his girlfriend at the time but they broke up a couple of months later, and as I recall, the fact that they were on the edge of a breakup was very visible throughout the episode. And it was hard to watch. And I think Sara was also a bit annoying but he was worse – that’s what I recall. I’ll see how it looks when I watch it again.

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

2023 Movie Journey #17: Elemental

elemental. i watched this one earlier this week with my family...and i'm finally caught up on movie reviews! which means i can now post new ones right after i see the movies. yay.

this movie's cast has some actors who i know, probably most notably a guy i enjoyed in jurassic world dominion. but much, much more importantly, the star of this movie is leah lewis, so even if i hadn't liked the movie overall i still would have had a great time watching it.

i fell immediately in love with leah lewis's portrayal of george when i started watching nancy drew this year. and i mean immediately--i was watching with somebody who loved bess the most, and i had seen so much ace on my tumblr dash that i knew i'd like him too, but george was still my favorite character by the time i finished the pilot. without even knowing how great and rewarding her season 1 arc would be, or how much depth she would eventually have beyond her introduction as 'grudge-holding black sheep nancy's boss,' i could just tell she was my type of fave.

and even after watching the whole first season of nancy drew, it wasn't until i was rewatching it to show it to @actuallylukedanes that i accidentally learned george was played by leah lewis...and that i already knew her! she was in the half of it! which i watched and reviewed in 2020, and loved so much that i've wanted to get other people to watch it ever since. i didn't connect her performances at all, but even my review back then raved about how she was what made the movie good.

so when i realized she was starring in this, i was thrilled. and what i love about her is that she's consistently the kind of actor who has a real presence: she makes her characters engaging and stands out in a big way for somebody still young (though she started acting as a kid, so i know she's not new just cuz she's newish to me). she's signed on to the matlock reboot with kathy bates and i don't expect to love that cbs show, but i am very excited to try it anyway.

as for the movie though: i couldn't help but spend the first half just hearing george, in all her lines. not in a distracting or bad way, but a nice familiar feeling. i suspect the goal with animated disney heroines is to not make them too distinctive, because there's kind of a 'friendly normal' sound to the modern ones regardless of the actress that means even when i can recognize who's speaking, they all sound a little more similar than i would ever say they do in live action work. (either that or it's just me not being able to differentiate as well in animation, which is certainly possible.)

anyway, i loved everything about her work in this; she was the reason i cried a few times. in my opinion that's always a mark of good work, making an impressive amount of connection with viewers using just your voice.

i also really liked her parents and wade, despite the movie's core conflict revolving around all of them--this movie did a good job of explaining who everybody was as things went along, in a more than superficial way, so that it was much easier to still like people when the Bad Times came because they made more sense and were more sympathetic. as family conflicts go, compared to encanto and turning red, this one was my favorite because of that. no matter how angry or disappointed her father got, or how much that affected ember, i could still sympathize with him too and believe that his love for her was more important than anything else.

now, i know this movie got mixed reviews (or possibly worse? i only saw vague headlines) but i'm not really sure why! the metaphor they used to tell the story about immigration and a diverse society was maybe more blunt than usual, but i don't think that's a bad thing. and while it did center on themes that disney movies cover a lot (family expectations, parental disappointment, feeling like a failure, being an outsider, etc)...there are reasons those themes pop up so much!

especially when pixar movies are trying to appeal to both kids and adult audiences, i think it makes total sense to keep coming back to the 'classics.' again, there were a lot of thematic similarities between encanto and turning red and this movie (despite their differences in the details) and i watched those other two--encanto more than once--but still cried just as easily when ember confessed to her dad that she was a bad daughter, and when they bowed to each other before she left. the wounds between us and our parents never really heal, i think, at least not for everybody. so this movie tugged at me by just representing those feelings well, and making me care about the characters.

and when it comes to caring about the characters, probably my favorite thing about the movie besides the cast was the way the plot genuinely surprised me. i expected a happy ending, because it's a disney movie. but based on the trailer, i didn't know what to expect between ember and wade beyond 'they meet and things happen.' and the movie does such a good job of setting up the world they live in and the rules they live by that i believed them.

so in the beginning, i figured they were going to become unexpected friends, and navigating that alone would be a challenge. in that story, presumably the happy ending would've been something like, she learns that wade is right and she doesn't have to stay with fire people and never interact with the rest of the world, and they get to have further adventures.

but then! it turns out that this movie is going for romance. weirdly, i don't expect that from disney movies--you'd think i would when they're the home of princess culture and everything, but i wasn't a 'princess meets her prince for a happy ending' kid. i grew up with disney classics but didn't imprint on any of them.

instead, i was a don bluth kid! singing music from an american tail is literally one of my earliest memories, and my animated love story growing up was anastasia. if i squint, i can kind of see overlap between that animated romcom and this one, in terms of traumatic family history and a guarded, feisty female lead who gets what she thought she wanted all along just as she's also fallen in love with someone whose difference threatens her new fulfilled goal.

i'm not saying the two movies are very alike, lol...a zombie sorcerer belongs nowhere in elemental, obviously. but they both treat their romances with less sentimental sweetness, more sparkage and sincerity. the flirting in this is cute, and i loved them more the further along we went.

but of course, there's still that pesky plot-established problem that makes them a doomed romance. so once it was clear that their dynamic was about falling in love, not just befriending the 'other'...then i honestly expected a bittersweet ending where friends is all they can be. because this is disney, not pushing daisies, and in a world where nobody seems to have invented the elemental version of saran wrap for characters to safely kiss through, what kind of future could they have?

i did not expect them to give us this story where the characters are all believable in how firmly they believe (or don't, in wade's case) that different elements can't mix, and then for the story to show us those differences being overcome. i mean, that theme isn't exactly a new one, love conquering all, but the differences were so much more concrete here--it was life or death for them! when the parental disapproval alone was almost enough to ruin their chances!

i suppose you could flip my reaction to this movie and look at it the opposite way, and complain that their ability in the end to do what the story all along told us couldn't be done made it a waste of time, like the stakes were fake even if they didn't know that. maybe if you predicted the ending from the beginning, it could have felt that way.

but i didn't have expectations for the ending. so while i was really hoping ember and wade could be together, i was prepared for the alternative, a more modest 'crossing the aisles' journey of discovery for them both that opened her world and future and allowed him into her life from a safe distance going forward. instead, their whole story was wonderful and i love them and i'm so glad that they get to be the odd couple they are in a very divided world.

one last fun (if also slightly vexing) thing about this movie is that while it does end, it leaves a lot open, too. and i wanted to get to see ember start her internship; i wanted to learn about their new life and if it goes well for them once they're out in the broader world. i guess i wasn't ready to say goodbye to them, really, is all.

but that was fun at least on the level of seeing this with my family--it meant that after it ended, we were discussing what a sequel could be about, and that segued into a discussion about whether ember and wade could have kids or if they'd have to adopt--and how cool it would be if them having kids would create new elements or something. i love that idea a lot.

and i enjoyed this movie a lot. it was super pretty, i liked most of the characters, and it was unexpected romcom fun. i'm officially rooting for pixar to make more love stories now.

[a-silent-symphony]

FEATURE INTERVIEW – NIGHTWISH “THERE WILL BE A NEW ALBUM IN SPRING 2024” TUOMAS HOLOPAINEN

Nightwish founding member, Tuomas Holopainen sat down with Overdrive to talk about the impact of the pandemic, the bands latest update on a new album, and the shocking news of Floor Jansen’s cancer.

With so many obstacles crashing into the bands touring plans for their latest album ‘Human II Nature’, Nightwish finally got to open the lid on some of their live shows, which had been booked as far back as 2020!

In the vast, and complicated backstage compound of Ireland’s 3Arena, we find Nightwish mastermind, Tuomas Holopainen in relaxed spirits as he prepares for the bands first Irish performance in over twelve years.

Nestled in a warm dressing room, the keyboardist greets us with a smile, and begins chatting excitedly about returning to Ireland, and in general, just being back on the road again after years of turmoil that saw bassist, Marko Hietala depart the band, the repeated cancellation of their ‘Human II Nature’, EU/UK tour dates, and the devastating news of Floor’s breast cancer diagnosis in late October.

Despite the stress, and worry that comes with all of the above, Tuomas tells us that he has learned to cope with the worry, and strife that has been bestowed upon the band over the last few years…

OD – This was one of the tours that was badly affected by the pandemic lockdown with changes for dates, and support bands. It must have been a huge relief to finally get out on the road, and start promoting the new album…

TUOMAS – Yes, beyond any words that I can express. I can’t even begin to understand the stress levels for the booking agents who have had to change things around so many times now. It’s been a nightmare.

Tickets for this tour went on sale three and a half years ago. That’s insane!! This is the fourth show on this leg, and we’ve got nineteen more to go. Once we get to the end of the year I’ve got three weeks off to just read and relax.

OD – Of course, the recent news of Floor’s health had a lot of people worried about her, it’s great to finally know that she is now Cancer free. I can only imagine how emotional it must be to be doing what you’re doing each night, knowing that just a few months ago, things were in a very serious place…

TUOMAS – The first show of this leg in Antwerp was just so emotional for all of us, but especially for Floor. It all came out during the song, ‘Sleeping Sun‘, she couldn’t sing the song towards the end, and she just broke down. It was a positive break down, if you know what I mean. It was just a huge release of so much anxiety, and pressure that had been building up inside her.

It was a culmination of beating Cancer, finally do this tour, and that her voice was good enough to do what she loves to do. All of that came out at the same time, and it’s been wonderful ever since.

OD – Let’s talk about ‘An Evening with in a virtual World’… for a moment. Who came up with that idea and how long was it in the ‘creative’ process before all decisions were finalised?

TUOMAS – I believe it was our management that first proposed it, and I was completely against it.

OD – Why?

TUOMAS – Because all of the virtual performances that I’d seen online were just not really my taste. I thought they were a bit dull and boring. Then, when they showed me the overall concept of the virtual world that could be created, then I started to look at it from a different angle. I brought it to the rest of the band, and we really started to talk about the possibilities of doing this, and what it could potentially look like. Then we made the decision to do it, however, do it really well. To the level that had never been done before…at least in Finland.

We then stared to see some visuals of what it was going to look like, and it was just so different to anything that we had done before. We also thought that it would create a very different kind of atmosphere, and experience for our music, which is something that we’re always interested in exploring.

OD – I understand that there was approximately 30 people involved in the creation of the virtual environment. Already, that seems like a potential nightmare in getting so many people, who are located from all over the world to work on a specific project…to a specific deadline. Did it prove to be a challenge, or did it go surprisingly well?

TUOMAS – Yes, we had a variety of people from all over the world working on this project. The pre-production was created by all of these wonderful people, and then the band got involved on the last eight days of the project. We were rehearsing in a green cube with just two camera men, and that was basically it.

It was really strange to just be in this room with nothing around is but green walls, but the imagination of the creators brought the fantasy element to life, and we could see the results pretty quickly, which was really exciting. We had to Covid test everybody everyday, and make sure that we all tested negative, because if there was one threat of the virus to any of the band or crew, the whole project would have ground to halt, and we had made a huge financial commitment at this point in time. So, as you can imagine, the stress levels were somewhat high. [Laughing]

OD – Of that experience, do you see Nightwish doing something like that again, or was it just to bridge the downtime unit you could properly tour again?

TUOMAS – I’ve learned never to say never again. [Laughing] I find it highly doubtful, because for us, we are all about the live show, and experiencing the energy from the crowd. However, I do see the appeal of this, and it might be a thing for the future if it’s done really well.

OD – Of course the new album ‘Human. :II: Nature’ was released over two years ago now, as far as new music, you mentioned that the new album would be an extension of ‘Endless Forms Most Beautiful’ and ‘Human…’, is that still the case?

TUOMAS – I can’t believe that it was released that long ago! It’s crazy to think, because of what’s happened.Regarding new music, we have twelve songs in demo form at the moment, which all of the band has been listening to on this tour. It’s such a privilege to be able to be ahead of time on this, because we have a year before we enter the studio. We get to let our imagination loose, and build on these ideas. It’s going to be a long, but lovely process that makes the music so exciting. It’s really my favourite part of being a musician.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the studio experience, the live shows, touring etc, but that first meeting with new music, and the effect that it has on me personally, that’s a beautiful moment for me, and one of the most magical things in the world.

OD – When the music is finally ready for release, do you feel that the relationship between you and the music has changed.

TUOMAS – It’s a lovely feeling but also melancholic. The joy of creating something from passion, something that is so personal, and precious. Then the moment comes when you have to let go of it, and put it out into the world. Some people will not feel the same way about it and others will, but overall, it’s a sort of bitter-sweet feeling.

OD – Can you also confirm that studio time has been booked for 2023 and the target is to release a new album in 2024?

TUOMAS – Yes, the studio is booked, and the album is expected to be released in Spring/Summer/Autumn of 2024.

OD – This album shows a more intimate and emotional album, but also has that huge sound that Nightwish are so well known for. Was this album a sort of new chapter for the band in terms of creativity?

TUOMAS – I’ve always emphasised that I don’t know where the music comes from. I can’t explain the beauty and magic of music. I always get surprised about the process of how the music comes to be, and I was, once again, taken aback by the response to ‘Human…‘

I have developed an ability to listen to our music without the feeling that I was involved. I never used to be able to do that, but recently, I can totally step outside the creative involvement of the music, and listen with a different set of ears.

OD – The band has endured so many bumps over the 26 years, yet you have a remarkable way of surviving and surging forward. You have said in the past that, “the legacy of the band has now become a catalyst for continuing, and there is a sort of magic that keeps things going“. Do you still stand by that, or do you have a different take on things in light of the last few months?

TUOMAS – When it comes to music, not at all! I’m still as passionate about writing, and creating music as I was when I was a young man. But yes, there has been so many different challenges that we’ve had to endure over the course of our career that, to be honest, has taken its toll on me, and the other band members.

I don’t ever see us doing the long tours that we used to do in the past, where we are on the road for ten weeks, then take one week off, and then back out again for another ten. But that’s one thing that I’ve taken pride in, we’ve managed to survive through all of the issues over the decades. We have the scars to show, however we still surge forward.

OD – You’re very fortunate to have made a career doing something that you love. Over the decades of writing, scoring and performing music, do you have any other goals that you would like to achieve that you may be able to do now?

TUOMAS – It’s been an ongoing project for the last ten years. I’ve been writing fictional stories, and at the moment, I’ve got about fifteen. There is a publisher in Finland that is very interested in taking them on, but I feel that I need a few more stories before I will consider publishing them.

Every single New Years Day, my wife and I create a treasure map that has Islands that need to be conquered. For example, the idea of publishing a book, that’s been an unconquered Island for the last ten years.

Many of the Islands have been conquered and some have been changed. We have been doing this since 2010, and it’s so interesting to look back, and see what we were striving for, and how much our goals have changed, as well as the goals that we have conquered, and the effects of that happening. My wife wrote; “Maybe if one day I owned a horse“, and now we have one. I wrote, “I want to make an album about Scrooge McDuck“, and four years later, that happened. A road trip across Australia – that happened. We do it every New Year’s Day, and it helps us focus on the positive, and get the best out of our time in life.

OD – The cost of touring has escalated to heights that have never been seen before, does this concern you and the band as you look to the future?

TUOMAS –  It’s a massive problem. For example, tickets for this tour were sold in 2019 for this European leg, and now we’re paying 2022 costs. Our catering costs have risen by three times, the price of fuel. So, regardless that we’ve sold more tickets than every before, the costs of running the tour cancels out the profit margins. My wife is a singer, and has been for fifteen years, and the Pandemic took it all away.

Now she has started a new company doing fantasy knit ware called Auriwear [click here]. I’m so proud of her, because she came to me and said; “I can’t do music anymore! But I have to come up with something else”, and throughout the whole lockdown period, she was just knitting so many things, and setting up this new venture.

OD – Have you ever considered putting on your own festival like In Flames, Slipknot do? Seeing as we’re almost at the end of 2022, what has been your most favourite album of the year?

TUOMAS – I would not rule it out. But for now, I’m not sure. I’ll leave it up to the big boys to figure that one out. [Laughing]

Human II Nature is out now via Nuclear Blast Records. Order your copy via this link, or ask your local record store to order it.

[thisaintascenereviews]

Bring Me The Horizon - Post Human: Survival Horror

Bring Me The Horizon is one of the most popular bands in the world, and they can thank themselves for that, because they started experimenting with outside influences and styles outside of metalcore and deathcore. They started off as a deathcore band that a lot of people hated; I remember the disdain in full force, as I was a huge fan of them around 2008/2009, back when they dropped second album, Suicide Season. Even with that, they went into more of a metalcore sound with that album, but they were very heavy. During the early 2010s, when metalcore was at its most generic and derivative, Bring Me The Horizon released Sempiternal in 2013, and that record introduced alt-metal, nu-metal, and hard-rock into their sound, whereas 2015’s That’s The Spirit properly utilized those sounds and they didn’t have as many breakdowns and heavier moments. Things really changed with 2019’s Amo, in which the band doubled down their outside influences by including pop and electronic music. I really enjoyed that record, as it was the first time I enjoyed a BMTH album in years, but I wondered where they’d go from there.

Well, that’s where Post Human: Survival Horror comes into play. This was supposed to be the first of four EPs, so who knows if we’re getting the other three, but this came out around the start of the pandemic in 2020, and I remember listening to it a couple of times, but I didn’t think too much of it. Fast forward a few years later, and BMTH are not only one of the biggest bands in the world, they’ve been steadily dropping new songs, the latest of which being “Kool-Aid” just a couple of weeks ago, I thought I’d go ahead and revisit this album. It’s not quite an album, I guess, but it’s 32 minutes, so I don’t know. I figured I’d revisit this, and spend some time with it, because I didn’t have anything else to sink my teeth into. I also think it would be worth looking at in retrospect, just to see how well it’s aged, or if it hasn’t.

Thankfully, though, this record has aged quite well, but that’s kind of because Survival Horror seems to be at a crossroads for them. This album reintroduces some elements of metalcore, surprisingly. If you’re a fan of their older material, you’ll like a few tracks here, especially the opener, “Dear Diary,” which is some of the heaviest stuff they’ve done in awhile, but they’re still moving forward in their sound with songs like the Babymetal-assisted “Kingslayer,” or “1X1” with alt-metal / nu-metal duo Nova Twins. Songs like these are both heavy and catchy all at once, but you do have some softer moments, too, such as “Obey” with Yungblud, where it does have some heavier stuff in it, but the backbone of the song is very pop-focused. I’m not personally a huge fan of Yungblud, and I’d say that’s the song that probably works the least for me, but its hook is still really solid.

Closing track “One Day The Only Butterflies Left Will Be In Your Chest” not only has a song title that sounds like it would have been in the mid-00s, but Evanescence’s Amy Lee is featured on this ballad, and my god, it’s gorgeous. This song sounds beautiful. Her angelic vocals add a level of gravitas that makes it work really well, but it’s such a great closer. It’s a great ending for a half hour record, and it never feels as though it’s too long or dragging. This record has the distinction of having songs that are memorable and are distinguished from each other, but they all flow together, nonetheless. Frontman Oliver Sykes is a good reason for that, too, and I haven’t mentioned him much here so far, but wow, he’s so good. His voice has gotten better over the years, and he has a good range within his clean vocals and harsh vocals, but the addition of harsher vocals on this record is a good one, because he handles it well.

The rest of the band is good, too, and the instrumentation is a good complement to him. This record isn’t all just pop hooks and breakdowns, either, but to be fair, the hooks are really good. Sykes and company are one of the best bands in this style that utilize hooks, and Sykes has a way with writing catchy hooks, and this record is no exception. I hadn’t listened to this album in a few years, and I remembered it quite well. There are a handful of really cool riffs and solos, too, and it’s surprising coming from this band, but I perked my ears up every time I heard something interesting and that did something cool, such as a solo, a really unique breakdown, or something interesting, but I enjoy this quite a lot. If you’re like me, and you jumped ship after a certain point with these guys, or you still like them and just want to see them go back to a heavier sound, you’ll probably like this. The best thing about this record is that it doesn’t feel as though they’re trying to pander, but they’re just trying to incorporate older sounds, and it works very well. If anything, and from the new songs they’ve put out, too, I’m excited for another record from these guys.

[sinsisters]

Postmortem: Launching a Kickstarter (or two) as a first-time dev

Also available to read on Itch.io

Hi everyone,

 This is going to be a very informal postmortem from me (Natty, writer/programmer/game director) about the development of The Spanish Privateer from conception to the release. This read is really for anyone who wants to run a campaign or be a first-time dev and hear from someone who has met their goals but not had any outstanding success. I’m also always happy to chat one-on-one with someone who might have specific questions about the process, especially for Canadians wondering about the technicalities of running a small business & shipping.

Conception

The Spanish Privateer was a collection of five pirate characters that sat on a Google Doc until 2018, when the otome game jam rolled around and I, working a 9:30-4 (dream hours!) co-op position in Vancouver, decided to join up and turn those five characters (now four) into the main characters for my very own visual novel. As a lead, I struggled with trying to delegate and felt that I hadn’t completed enough of the script to know what artwork needed to be done. I think we managed to pull it off well, though, and I was happy to hear people’s feedback to the prologue.

Ultimately, the project fell under the radar as I continued to work on it on my own time, not wanting to ask those who had worked on the game jam for additional commitment, and not knowing whether the finished project would be commercial or not.

In the future, I’m still interested in working on game jams, but only for game jams that are meant to be short, complete games. We’ll see if it happens!

Script Writing

The bulk of the script writing for The Spanish Privateer happened while I was living in Japan on co-op, from the summer of 2019 to the late winter of 2020. I had created a detailed outline for Flint’s route, a less detailed one for Lark, and a very sketchy one for Rico. I tend not to face writer’s block, and writing dialogue especially feels like it comes easily to me, so it was more about scheduling time each day to write. I decided to participate in the NaNoWriMo of 2019 to monitor my progress, ending with 51 547 words written! My goal at this point was to just complete the scripts, and focus on everything else once I knew what CGs I would need to flesh out scenes.

The First Kickstarter

It became clear to me that I would need to fund, at the very least, the CGs in the game. But The Spanish Privateer was ‘the otome I always wanted to play’, and I wanted the game to reflect that. Oftentimes, indie VN devs will buy their background images from stock creators (such as Minikle), paying a one-time fee for licensed use of the images. In fact, a few of the backgrounds in The Spanish Privateer are from these packs. But a pirate ship is a niche category, and I knew I would need to commission original backgrounds for the game.

I was willing to put down around $1000 of my own money towards the game. Keep in mind, I was a university student, and I figured I wouldn’t make any returns on the project. I commissioned three CGs, but all the other assets were from the original game jam.

The Kickstarter of October 2020 failed, but with 128 backers, suddenly this project that no one had heard about had come to life. Something that I didn’t know about Kickstarter is that… most Kickstarter backers are Kickstarter backers. That’s to say, 82% of my backers have backed over 20 projects, and 40% have backed over 100 projects! Only 11% of my backers have backed 10 or fewer projects, and I personally knew half of those people. Here’s a little histogram showing the data specific to my Kickstarter (the second one).

Figure 1: Number of backers sorted by the number of projects they have backed on Kickstarter. Data taken from The Spanish Privateer 2021 Kickstarter on January 11th, 2023

The people who pledged the higher tiers ($60+) varied between those who backed few projects and those who backed many.

My takeaway from this revelation was that Kickstarter itself has an audience that is worth tapping into. That’s part of the reason we see visual novel developers who have had financial success off their games and who have been making games for a while, such as Hanako Games and Winterwolves, start using Kickstarter in the recent years (and likely because the market has grown considerably).

The Bane of Kickstarter: Cancelled Projects

I spent a lot of time looking at visual novels (particularly otoges) that had done well on Kickstarter. Some of them succeeded because they had people pledge those platinum $1000 tiers, some succeeded because they had >500 backers, some succeeded because they had low goals. But amongst these, an unfortunately large number of successful projects got cancelled later on. For that reason, developers who follow through with their projects, communicate with their player base, and meet or exceed expectations, such as GB Patch Games, do well with repeated projects on Kickstarter. They have a dedicated fanbase who are happy to support their work, largely because they know the developers will make good use of it. As a first-time dev, I didn’t have that background. I also had a small number of romanceable love interests (but I still think three is the perfect number for a first-time dev and would recommend that to other first-time devs), the art wasn’t the jaw-dropping highly detailed anime style we see with companies like Great Gretuski Studios or Nifty Visuals, and aside from ‘PIRATES’, it didn’t have much of a grab.

The Next Steps

I released a survey that got quite a few responses, thankfully. Then, I knew I needed to use the last of my cash reserves to commission a few more CGs, and most importantly, commission new sprites. That was the big risk for me. It was a huge art style change, and the CGs clashed with the sprites much more strongly. But it needed to be done since I hadn’t heard from the sprite artist who had collaborated with me during the otome game jam, and in addition to needing more sprites completed, I didn’t want to use the work of someone in a commercial product without their permission or without being able to repay them.

I really love the new sprites and the art style of my sprite artist. It was also a good decision for me to request separate eyebrow, eye, and mouth expressions rather than set expressions. It allowed me to have much more variety with character expressions. I learned a lot during this process, and because of that, I think the final few characters I commissioned (Catalina and Vasco) ended up being the strongest because of that (in addition to the sprite artist’s personal improvements, of course!).

But the game changer for the next Kickstarter was the new key art and logo. The key art is what draws people in, and it was truly stunning.

I have mixed feelings regarding the physical items. The survey showed some people were interested while others weren’t, so I wanted very cheap physical items (compared to charms, for example). I’m not sure if I would do physical items again (I really dislike the process of packaging and shipping), but on the other hand, I’m delighted to have stickers and an art book of characters I made!!! From a game I made!! Isn’t that cool!! (psst you can still buy the artbook and get stickers btw)

The People Who Made The Difference

I did reach out to some people to review the demo, and Blerdy Otome and Sonic Nancy Fan both came through! Additionally, when you’re running a Kickstarter, you tend to check obsessively… and check out the other visual novels that are running at the same time. Off the top of my head, Henchman Story, Silver Blue, Somnium Eleven, Perfect Gold, and Heroine for Hire were running the same time, and some of us gave shout outs to each other, which was nice (especially considering I had a following of about 40 people on Twitter). Chouette, Akua, Naja, Ayael, and Neeka, in particular liked and shared many of my posts, which makes a difference not only for reaching a new otome audience, but for me to slowly get to know other devs and the indie otoge community! I’m thankful to them for that, and for the devs I interact with now as well.

Additionally, VN Game Dev, Sweet & Spicy, and the Otome Lovers curator group all reviewed my game at various stages, which I appreciated as well. In addition, I reached out to a few other groups, some which responded agreeing to review (but with long backlogs) and others who I did not receive a reply from. The otome community is small, so if a visual novel doesn’t have some stand out quality that appeals to the non-visual novel community, such as innovative gameplay or a connection to a larger franchise, it might not be worth reaching out to people who don’t typically cover visual novels. Personally, I actively sought out those who reviewed visual novels, particularly otome games.

The Second Kickstarter

The general rule of a Kickstarter campaign is that if a project can make one third of their goal after 48 hours, they’re likely to reach their goal (with the second third happening throughout the campaign and the final third during the last three days). Because of the previous Kickstarter, I already had a number of backers who were ready to back again, which helped a lot with that big first day boost. I wouldn’t say the campaign was a raging success—the total amount transferred from Kickstarter was 5206.49 CAD (this was transferred at the end of May, 2021) across 169 backers (6 backers dropped), which is less than 4000 USD today. This is a really, really small amount of money to make a game, but it was what I needed to make the game, which is all I cared about.

Here's how it all came together:

Writing & Programming: The writing was done, although I continued to edit and revise. Ren’Py is very easy to work with and the programming is minimal. My labour is all at zero cost, and I frankly don’t expect I’ll ever make a penny from my games (but wouldn’t that be nice?)

BGs: I worked with two different artists for the backgrounds, and supplemented them with stock backgrounds I paid a flat fee for, such as the shore, church, fancy bedroom, bedroom with two beds, lagoon, and tavern with the bear skin on the wall. Sometimes I realized retroactively that I needed a night version of a background and did this myself. The result wasn’t… great, but thankfully the scenes that needed these changes were minimal, and the ones with long scenes were properly done by the artist. I also did the ocean background because I realized belatedly I needed one and couldn’t find one I liked online. All part of learning more about the planning process…

CGs: I continued working with my main artist, Tsunya (Tsuume) on the CGs. Commissioning CGs was the most challenging part of the process. I learned a lot about how to better communicate certain things I wanted in a scene, as well as which ideas I had didn’t translate as well to a CG. For example, for Flint’s kissing CGs, I struggled with the best way to get two vertical people embracing to look good on a horizontal screen. The final CG ended up being them laying horizontally across the screen. As a result, the overall image is really intimate and pleasing to the eye. I carried this on with Lark’s route, which features Carlota’s hair blowing in one kiss scene to compensate for the space, and her dress blowing in another. I also learned that a close-up of a love interest can be simple but beautiful. In the future, I would probably like to incorporate more close-ups of the love interests rather than focussing on having so many couple CGs. With Rico’s route, I wanted some more action shots, such as the horse and Rico as a kid. I particularly liked the angle of Rico’s CG as a child, and I would use more of those sharp angles in the future.

Sprites: When you have a limited budget and you’re commissioning artists, rather than paying artists a monthly salary like regular studios do, you have to be very respectful of their time. My sprite artist was in school, so of course it was difficult for her to predict when she would be available or for how long (which I could relate to as a student as well). I probably would have commissioned a few more sprites from her, such as the grandee and the governor, but we ended up being limited on time and I figured that I would probably keep on adding more and more sprites if I didn’t end somewhere. I was just incredibly in love with her designs and work. She really brought the characters of The Spanish Privateer to life. Personally, I love non-anime style art such as Made Marion, Andromeda Six, Imperial Grace, ValiDate, Cinders, The Radiants, Angela He, Arcade Spirits, and Under Pretense of Death. But anime art’s biggest advantage is how incredibly emotive it looks. When art is less realistic, expressions can be exaggerated without looking disturbing to the viewer. Going forward, I’m still not sure which style I would prefer. It will probably depend on the game I produce—for example, if I make a game where the protagonist is customizable, then the art style will likely be anime.

Chibi CGs: I had worked with an artist to do some quick chibi designs of the characters, and I decided to work with her again for the chibi CGs. By this point, I had already commissioned many CGs from my CG artist, so communication was much better for these CGs. It was a great way to show off many characters in a scene (such as in Lark’s route) or characters who don’t have sprites (such as a certain man that we see in Rico’s route).

GUI: Graphic design and user interface design is really its own thing. I trusted the GUI to someone who had lots of experience doing visual novel GUIs and told her my vague ideas of what I was looking for, and she managed to turn it into something gorgeous! The important takeaway is that the less you know about something, the more important it is that you’re hiring someone with experience in that department. Since the visual novel realm is so niche, this can be challenging at times.

Logo: Pretty much the same as above! The logo is beautiful and tells a story all on its own, which I love. The artist also provided the base file, so I was able to add and remove different elements from the design, which was incredibly helpful for me as I simplified it for smaller images or darkened areas for better contrast. I would recommend anyone getting a logo done to request the illustrator or equivalent working file.

Music: The only music I paid for was a commercial license of a few songs. The other songs are all in the creative commons. Even if I had been able to commission an original soundtrack for The Spanish Privateer, frankly, I love the songs in the game so much that I wouldn’t change them for the world. I chose peaceful piano pieces for Flint, harpsichord and whimsical tracks for Lark, and grand, adventurous orchestral music for Rico. Some people pooh-pooh the importance of music in a visual novel, but I think the tracks make a huge difference in creating the tone of a scene. My favourite part was selecting tracks for the good endings and other endings.

Kickstarter Rewards: I worked with the same artist who did the two key arts for the wallpapers, and ended up with stunning results. Carlota’s in particular is breathtaking. I commissioned high-quality chibis for the stickers, and my big takeaway is to NOT have limbs jutting out the way Flint’s arm is. The spacing is awkward and makes the pricing of the stickers more expensive than they need to be. Additionally, it won’t work well for charms if that’s something you plan on doing. But other than the rogue limb I failed to account for, the process was smooth. The big challenge is not knowing how different the colours will look once printed. Even test prints aren’t foolproof because each printing company may have different methods of printing. I used StickerApp for the stickers, but Luna Chai has some great and relevant blog posts (current blog and archived post). I used Mixam in Canada to print the art books and they get shipped as oversized lettermail. Since I don’t get anywhere CLOSE to the small business cutoffs, I don’t have to worry about collecting GST. I ordered my mailers and labels from Amazon (like the common by-product of our capitalistic world that I am), and the nice ladies at the post office just let me plunk the addressed mailers down, pay the total, and be off on my way. If you’re Canadian and sending something that doesn’t qualify as lettermail, then don’t. I mean, try really really hard not to, because it gets very expensive quickly. But I won’t get in the way of your dakimakura dreams, either (I wouldn’t say no to a Harry or Luciel Choi body pillow. Or maybe I would. How could I even begin to explain that to my family.)

Sound: Shoutout to my brother for telling me about the massive royalty-free audio bundle Sonniss offers each year for free. Their work is awesome and greatly appreciated for small devs. The rest of the sounds were sourced from various online resources. Again, related to music, sound effects are greatly underappreciated. A great visual novel should use both of your available senses, not just sight (and they can use other senses if they’re extra creative).

And All of the Other Little Things That Add Up:

Registering as a business which included going down to the bank and saying yes, this is my company called ‘SinSisters Studios’, yes, I make games about romancing men (and hopefully others), please give me a business account and card to use (I did phrase it better because I’m an adult but that is surely what we were both thinking). The business account is an online-only no-fee one which is great, and I use the debit card for all business-related expenses. You know, in case I ever get audited in the future. I also had to pay a small fee to register my business name with the government, which has to be renewed every five years, and I might buy a website domain soon for the site. SinSisters Studios is a sole proprietorship business, which is what most small Etsy businesses might be, for instance. That means I get fewer benefits and legal issues would be under my name, but it’s easy to file taxes and the fee is small. Most indie VN developers don’t have any need to incorporate. If you’re a Canadian, incorporating is really something you do for liability insurance and would be recommended if you run a Kickstarter for $100K, for example.

On the game dev side, I had to do art touch-ups such as colour correction, making sure Carlota’s mole wasn’t all over the place, and some backgrounds for CGs and chibi CGs. I wouldn’t have been able to do this all with Gimp, so I got CSP. But I can’t recommend them as strongly now that they’re changing their payment program.

Things that I found tedious and that I was not good at and would have preferred to hire someone: creating the art book and guide, doing the graphics for the Kickstarter, doing the graphics, formatting, and ten million blurbs for the websites and social media pages and presskit (actually, the presskit was kind of fun because it looks professional).

Creating and uploading the game on Itch.io using Butler is very simple. Steam was a whole ‘nother ballpark. On top of having fifty billion different asset resizing requirements, they have their own method of uploading builds that I had trouble wrapping my head around (but now, I actually prefer Steam’s build updating method to Itch.io’s. Sorry! It’s just better at merging builds and making sure you’re using the right build).

Setting up accounts, such as PayPal, a mailing newsletter, Discord, and Stripe are all in the unknowns. Just finding people to work with is a skill in its own (if you find an artist you like online, save them somewhere. I’ve found artists from Lemmasoft, Twitter, from finding images on Pinterest and then following the credit or signature ((dear artists, PLEASE make your signature something that allows us to find you!!!)), DeviantArt, even from searching foreign websites. The one thing I haven’t used is Fiverr, although I have no doubt that you can find lots of talent there as well.

But by far, the worst thing about being a game dev is…

SOCIAL MEDIA AND MARKETING

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH

The bane of most devs' existence. How I wish I could just hire someone for this role. I don’t like TikTok. I haven’t uploaded a video on there in forever, but I have this constant nagging that I need to. The only social media I like is Twitter, and that’s because that’s where all the game devs hang out. To be fair, I do think my largest audience is on Twitter as well. The company’s following has grown to over 680, which is crazy. Although a certain individual caused a mass exodus and generally Worse Time on Twitter, so who knows what the future holds. I like interacting with others on social media, but I never feel inspired to post or even comment on others’ posts. I did want to do an art book giveaway with fanart as entries, but I frankly don’t feel like I have the audience for that. Would I even get an entry? I don’t know. I would rather see people creating fanart for the game because they feel inspired to. Personally, if I could Art, I would draw several modern AUs. Maybe I will and just look at it in private, who knows. The point is, I am Bad at The Social Media and that is simply because I Do Not Try Hard Enough. It is very time consuming and mentally draining. If you’re looking for marketing tips, read Arimia’s blog, and support her games while you’re at it. She has so much awesome advice. All I have for you are tears.

I entered The Spanish Privateer in the June 2022 SteamNextFest, recorded me playing the prologue, used OBS Studio to loop it (of course, everything you do involves learning to use something new) and streamed that over SteamNextFest. The result? Not too shabby. Our wishlist balance had a spike even bigger than the release spike, so I would recommend doing it! I had no interest in talking or filming myself, so it was a low effort high reward event!

The Result (And The Numbers)

So, what was the fruition of all these efforts?

First, let’s look at Steam wishlists. If a game gets to around 8000-12000 wishlists on Steam, depending on the genre, it starts to get ‘noticed’ by Steam. That means it’ll likely appear on the upcoming list and in recommended sections. The Spanish Privateer didn’t get anywhere CLOSE to that. We were getting an average of 6 daily wishlist additions, with just under 1000 wishlists upon release. Today, we have 1553 wishlists and a conversion rate or 7.1% (meaning 7.1% of people who wishlisted it have bought the game). This is below average for games on Steam. I expected this, considering how things were going leading up to this. My goal has always been to break even. As of the day I’m writing this (Jan 11, 2023), we have sold 162 copies of The Spanish Privateer on Steam and 81 copies of the digital bundle, with 33 copies sold on Itch.io and 21 of the guide. The final amount that arrived in the bank at the end of 2022 is about 1800 CAD. It’s a low amount, but I’m not complaining, either. I’ve made back my $1000 investment!!!!!!!!!! YAY!  

That’s not to say you can’t make a living making visual novels. Just that I can’t. Maybe I will one day. But my best decision throughout this process was not investing too much money, only having three love interests, not getting feature-happy, and being careful with how I spent the money. Frankly, when I play The Spanish Privateer, sometimes I think to myself, ‘This is a $6000 game??? That’s it???’ I made the game I always wanted to play growing up, and for that, I’m proud of myself.

On a Personal Note

If you’ve read up until now, you’ve read all the game dev stuff! Hopefully this gives you a little perspective from someone who successfully published a game but has not made any income from it. You’re good to go, class dismissed.

In general, in online spaces, I prefer to be fairly private, especially when managing a company account. But I feel like I have had a number of transitions as The Spanish Privateer developed worth mentioning.

I started The Spanish Privateer following my second year of university, during my first co-op term (2018). I attended the winter semester of my third year, then moved to Tokyo for my second co-op term from summer of 2019 to March 2020. I took the summer off, then did the fall semester of my third year online (first Kickstarter launched). I then worked my third co-op term from the beginning of 2021 (second Kickstarter launched) to the end of the summer. After that, I moved back to Vancouver to complete my final year of university. I graduated in the spring of 2022, launched the game in the fall, and have been job searching ever since (☹). Which brings us to…

What’s Next

I have two major projects I would like to do. One is a TTRPG style adventure featuring EA and SEA pirates (haha, SEA, get it?). I’m running it as a D&D campaign for my friends, which has helped flesh it out, but it’s going to be a massive project in the end. The other is a Canadian mystery visual novel heavily inspired by the Ace Attorney series, Disco Elysium, and puzzlers like Nancy Drew and Professor Layton. Players will get to choose between two protagonists and play three different mysteries, getting to swap between the protagonists with each episode if they want. This one is something I really love writing. It’s murdery, it’s queer, it’s full of Canadianisms and sarcasm and features a cast of mid-twenties and thirties.

But I’ve actually been writing a classic interactive fiction/visual novel in an attempt to create an RPG system that works with Ren’Py for my needs. It’s fun, it’s text-only, it’s fantasy, and hopefully I’ll get to release it as a short, free adventure in homage of the modern IF games that I love playing these days. And of course, all of the games feature romance. It’s just optional this time. I’m sure I’ll want to create a traditional otome or amare visual novel at some point (ojijam is looking mighty tempting), but for now, I want to challenge myself in other ways.

Anyway, hopefully you have some insight as to what was going through my mind these past years. I’m always happy to chat dev stuff and give insight as to any part of the process. I’m also happy to be transparent about numbers, if someone wants any particular details on that. Thanks for reading ☺

-Natty

[fearowkenya]

@unhinged-imagination IF YOU SAY SO!!!!!

so this wasn't really a True Reread, but i did a partial reread back in late 2020/early 2021 where i got thru the entirety of the Prophecies Begin, the New Prophecy, the Power of Three, Omen of the Stars, and half of a Vision of Shadows, which i stopped reading bc i couldnt find the next pdf lmao. i also read two of the super editions, which were Bluestar's Prophecy and Tallstar's Revenge. i say partial reread because when i was a kid, i made it halfway through the power of three before stopping, so everything past that point is unfamiliar territory that id never read before, including those two super editions.

this past summer, nothing was a reread. i picked up where i left off and read the rest of a vision of shadows, the entirety of the broken code, and what exists so far of a starless clan. i skipped dawn of the clans because i was frankly uninterested in characters i wasn't already invested in. like at least broken code and etc have some older characters that i still care about; dawn of the clans being a prequel means characters that have zero relation to current ones and i simply Did Not Care. anyway, i also read a bunch of the super editions this summer: crookedstar's promise, yellowfang's secret, bramblestar's storm, onestar's confession, leopardstar's honor, and graystripe's vow.

i think the most fun part of the reread + super editions is that my favorite characters have COMPLETELY changed, with very few exceptions.

i'll get the exceptions outta the way first. yellowfang has always been one of my favorites. i have such a big soft spot for crotchety medcats. i still love graystripe, whitestorm, feathertail, and squirrelflight. and prob some others im forgetting.

there's a lot of characters who i find myself with a very different perspective of. when i was a kid, crowfeather was a big favorite of mine and he could do NO WRONG. but as an adult, although i still like him, i find crowfeather to be exasperating (derogatory) and completely unsympathetic at times. i havent read his super edition yet though so maybe thatll change again.

another example would be jayfeather, lionblaze, and hollyleaf. when i first read their story, i thought they were completely justified in their anger and right to be so self-important regarding their powers and the prophecy around them. again, i still like them, but i also find them really annoying for the exact reason i used to like them. jayfeather is my favorite of the three but also the most frustrating. his arrogance was really irritating, but unfortunately since he says the funniest/most metal shit imaginable, i still like him quite a bit.

i think what's most interesting is the characters that are kind of in an opposite situation, where i didn't like them much as a teen but appreciate them much more as an adult.

firestar is probably the best example of this. i remember finding firestar really bland and tiring after the prophecies begin, and thought that he was nosy and unfair in how he treated the protagonists of the more recent series. that's just SO FUNNY to me because i really did like him a lot before he matured and rose to a position of authority. as an adult, i read about what hes doing and im like 'my man is literally just doing his job and he's doing it well'. something something perspective and lived experience of someone in charge of the well-being of younger people.

another good example is brambleclaw/star. it's not that i DIDNT like him when i was a kid. i was pretty indifferent to him. after a reread i find bramblepaw to be a really a sympathetic character in a difficult position. he knows his father has committed atrocities, and has to deal with others judging and mistrusting him because of what tigerstar did. i think the best decision firestar made in the series was choosing to mentor bramblepaw himself to rid himself of his own bias. also this broke me.

semi-related, ive seen people refer to squirrelflight and brambleclaw/star's relationship as abusive, which i dont know i agree with based on what ive read. it's certainly a rocky relationship: their extended arc(s) are always about building trust, breaking trust, and mending trust. it's never seemed quite severe enough to be called abusive, so i wonder if most of the reasoning behind what people say happens in squirrelflight's hope. i haven't read that super edition yet so idk. it could also maybe be because of what bramblestar does during the broken code, which i actually do agree with, but like also thats not even bramblestar. theres a whole Possession Situation and bramblestar isnt the one piloting his body. anyway, all this to say that im much more fond of brambleclaw/star upon reread. he can be really cute and silly in ways that i neither remembered nor expected.

the bulk of the other big shifts in favorite characters are due to additional background and fleshing out of characters in super editions. a lot of the original leaders were Nothing to me, even upon reread, but their super editions changed my perspective entirely, notably crookedstar and tallstar

reading tallstar's revenge was such a bizarre experience for me, because id heard people being like 'tallstar gay' and i was like Interesting interpretation that seems totally outta nowhere, but im here for it! imagine my surprise upon finding out that No, He's Actually Gay For Real Tho, He Has An Anguished Ex-Boyfriend Situation And Everything. it also completely explains why tallstar is weirdly loyal to fireheart. theres not a doubt in my mind that tallstar took one look at fireheart and knew he was jakes son

crookedstar's promise was such a fun read too. it's mentioned in the prophecies begin that crookedstar has a messed up jaw, but id assumed he was born that way , and since he wasnt of much importance to fireheart's story i didnt really think much of him. silverstream's death is SO much more upsetting when you know how much mapleshade tormented crookedstar as his family and friends died one by one. also this scene happens in both crookedstar and bluestar's super editions, and iirc is noticeably happening in the background of yellowfang's. i thought that was kinda neat. here is another video that eviscerated me.

i think the most extreme shift in opinion on specific characters goes to longtail. he's SUCH an asshole in the prophecies begin but if you think about it, he's been done wrong by so many of his clanmates. darkstripe and tigerstar were his best friends, he trusted them and was so so loyal to them, only for them to both turn out to be murderers. longtail is portrayed as a coward but frankly id also be terrified if the guy i idolized had no qualms with assassination and then later turned out to be responsible for the death of your apprentice who is also your BROTHER, DID YOU KNOW SWIFTPAW WAS LONGTAIL'S HALF-BROTHER IM MISERABLE!!!!!!!!!! and then darkstripe , who was his mentor, literally poisoned an infant. dude. the TRUST ISSUES that would follow, it's like totally understandable that fireheart didnt trust longtail worth shit but damn what a position to be in. i think longtail is maybe my favorite. you ever get bodied by a cat cartoon video

anyway. i have issues with a lot of warriors' worldbuilding, and how it could be so much more nuanced (and respectful. lord. all criticism regarding the lack of sensitivity in warriors is extremely fair and its a fucking shame that the writers dont do anything about it). a ton of the characters are written super inconsistently, which i guess is par for the course when you're juggling hundreds of characters. a lot of the fanworks are so much more thoughtful than canon material but thats true of a lot of media. i hate that reread + catchup of the series makes me kinda want to pick up the OC clans fanfiction i wrote in fucking 2008. time is a flat circle.

anyway. list of favorite characters bc we know thats the most exciting part of the post

1) longtail and yellowfang 2) tallstar 3) crookedstar 4) squirrelflight, purdy, and scourge 5) violetshine 6) shadowsight and graystripe 7) brambleclaw, whitestorm, and (reluctantly) jayfeather 8) mothwing, brightheart, bluestar, feathertail, frostpaw

btw i cry every time i watch this