#The thing about Bright is that in terms of his personal story a lot of his traumas are before and while he joins up

[trio-of-light]

Name: Bright Sea Pronouns: He/Him Romantic status: Married to Fyrkoen Sotiramas Combat jobs (subject to change): MNK, WHM, PLD, WAR(complicated relationship with it) Competent gatherer, WVR , ARM, and LTW and learning CUL from Fyrkoen.

Meets Fyrkoen in passing towards start of story, but doesn't join until HW-post story. His most unique ability is a strong aetheric sensitivity that he has been forced to get under control. He can channel it into conjury, but also he can become attuned to someone's aetheric signature if around them enough. To the point that he can essentially sense someone's vague direction, going so far as to sensing well-being if around someone truly long enough. Fyrkoen is where this becomes most apparent, since they stick together nearly all the time once Bright makes it a trio. As a child of Ala Mhigo, he was learning basics of Monk training, until the occupation forced his family apart. He and one of his sisters escaped to Thanalan with other refugees, being forced to leave his parents and other sister behind while he was still very young. A complicated, difficult upbringing of survival, resistance, and forced complacency under the monetarists pushing him into the Bloodsands to keep himself and his sister safe. Standoffish and reserved, he gradually comes out of his shell a bit more over the course of the adventure, to the point that, especially when in his PLD gear, people assume he's the Warrior of Light between he and Fyr.

[heavysighing-dreamyeyes]

His Name | Soulmate!AU

~1.1k words

Jason Todd. That's the name that etched itself on your thigh the night of your sixteen birthday. Which is great, you have a soulmate. The issue is that you know– knew a Jason Todd. He happens to be six feet under the dirt in a graveyard you visit every Saturday. Which is not so great.

Being soul bound to a dead person gets you a lot of pitying glances from the people you know. You tell them there's more than one Jason Todd in the world. It makes your family shake their heads. You try not to dwell on the heartbreak on their faces when you tell them that, when they think you can't see it. They saw you and Jason together when he was alive. There won't be another Jason Todd in your life.

It's something you've slowly come to terms with, when no other Jason Todd finds their way to you, the idea of never seeing your name permanently marked on someone else's skin. The fact that you might never really have the person that's supposed to be yours.

That's why you might have reacted kind of poorly when Red Hood brings you up to a quiet rooftop, tugging off his leather jacket in front of you, dragging the material of his suit up and over his forearm to reveal your name on his skin.

You weren't even doing anything dangerous to get here, just at the wrong store at the wrong time, while some third-rate rouge went on and on about conquering the city. Standard Gotham experience.

What wasn't normal was Red Hood crashing through a window, brutal and efficient with every movement until each person with a gun was knocked out and beaten on the floor. Sure, you were aware he wasn't exactly a crime lord anymore, labeled a 'turned vigilante' by the press, but press also said he doesn't tend to leave crime alley. And you definitely weren't in crime alley. None of news stories of him saving people exactly calms the adrenaline coursing through you when he picks you up like it was the easiest thing in the world for him, hoisting you like you're made of glass over his shoulder and grappling you both to a nearby roof. You're alone before you even have time to process it.

You stumble back when he gently, so gently it makes your heart stutter, sets you on the ground. "Who do you think you are? You can't just grab people–" your biting words cut off as you register the black lettering across his skin. Your name. Your name is there. On Red Hoods arm.

You reach out to touch it before you can stop yourself, fingers trailing down his forearm and over each letter of your name. He lets you, not speaking words, only sighing in what sounds like relief. You force your gaze from the mark you could stare at forever to meet the glowing eyes of his mask. "You're- Jason Todd?"

He nods, every nerve of his body completely locked on you. It doesn't clear anything up. He can't be Jason Todd, at least, not the one you buried.

You make a face and step back, crossing your arms, "Yeah right."

He seems to blank, arm still held out, showing your name permanently engraved on his skin. "Yeah, right?" He echos, deep and robotic through the modulator of his mask.

You set your jaw and nod.

He tilts his head, lifting his arm higher to make you see the mark. To see your name. "Do you think I faked it?"

That makes you falter. Why would he? There's nothing to gain by pretending to be your soulmate. "Well, no. But you still could have the wrong person."

He exhales a laugh, breathes out your name with more fondess than you've ever heard. "Always so stubborn."

Your frown. Sure, maybe you could be stubborn but he doesn't know that.

He says your name again, reaching up to tug his hood back, reaching for his mask.

It makes you freeze, eyes going wide in shock when you make out his face. Jason. Your Jason. "How–" You start, but can't quite manage to finish, eyes darting over the face that's so familiar, only older, more tired, more scarred. But his eyes are still the same. Intent and focused and bright when everything around him is dark.

"It's a long story." He says softly, before starting to ramble, nervous to upset you, to lose any chance of knowing you again. Any unease you felt around Red Hood fades as you recognize the boy you grew up with in him. "Maybe I could tell you? Over coffee? I have safe house nearby. But, only if you're comfortable. Or we could meet during the day, if thats better?"

His voice sounds more familiar without mask, and you study him, almost accusing. "You didn't have to kidnap me to tell me you're alive. Or that you're my soulmate, you know."

He stumbles over your words, taking half a step closer to you. "I didn't! I mean, I wasn't trying to. I swear– I just couldn't take all of this off down there." He gestures to the mask, a little frantic to gain your approval.

It brings a small smile to your face, and he stops still at the sight of it, breath catching in his throat as you speak, "I'm glad you're here, Jason."

"I'm glad you're safe." He exhales out, eyes softening and tension draining from his muscles in relief.

You can't quite fight the urge to reach out for him, so you do, taking his hand and gently flipping it over so you can read your name again. You have questions, absolutely. Gripes. Proably a lecture that he should have come seen you sooner. But you settle on how right this feels in your bones, how your soul feels like its missing piece slotted into place. "Do you have creamer?"

"Creamer?" He asks, voice airy and memorized by the feel of your skin against his hand.

"For the coffee?" You prompt, smiling a little wider at his dazed expression, his eyes following your hand, like he can't believe you haven't run screaming for the hills.

"Yeah. Course. Anything you want." And when he focuses back in your face, you know in the very essence of what you are that he means it.

"Coffees a good start." You say, a little fond as you pull away your hand away, and he reluctantly lets your fingers slide from his.

"Coffee it is." And it is a good start. To know your other half again, to follow the warm, soothing feeling in your soul when you touch him, you'll try as many starts as it takes.

[bonefall]

Hey, what makes a character a 'plot device but not a character'? And how do you not do that? I'm trying to do it on purpose but also I need to still make them interesting because it's on purpose, yknow?

A good skill to pick up is to learn to criticise criticism itself. A "plot device" is simply a thing that moves the plot along, it's a neutral literary analysis term! Usually, when people are angry that "a character has been used as a plot device," it doesn't mean they hate plot devices. It means they're gesturing at something deeper.

Runningwind and Bumble are equally plot devices in their deaths. They are both killed by the antagonist to escalate political tension. Runningwind is rarely "accused" of just being a plot device, and yet, we're talking about Bumble for the same thing.

So, why?

Well, Runningwind is just a background character, but in life, he was a part of the community. He was characterized as impatient but responsible. Yet, he wasn't SO important that he died with a bunch of unresolved plot threads.

He is mostly an extension of the entity of ThunderClan. His killing by Tigerstar, and the fear and paranoia that settles on the group after this, feel like a progression of the story insteas of something forced.

Bumble, on the other hand...

Is hated immediately by Gray Wing, when she's established as Turtle Tail's friend. Bumble's abuse at Tom the Wifebeater's hands invites even MORE investment. The rejection is shocking and upsetting. There's a story there about our main characters being imperfect; jealous, bigoted, and judgemental.

But, she is simply killed off. Everything they set up for this character is gone with little personalized fanfare. It's not a tragedy with a lesson about cruelty, or something anyone regrets.

It's just... plot. Gray Wing whinging that no one will like his shitty brother now that his body count is 2.

More than that, in the discussion of women in particular, "Fridging" was coined to give a name to the way women characters often don't get their stories told at all. There is a CULTURAL trend of female characters facing disproportionate violence, for the sake of advancing male plots.

Bumble has a lot going for her. Petal had a lot going for her. Turtle Tail had a lot going for her. Bright Stream had a lot going for her. When they died, they took their potential with them.

It's not always wrong to kill off a character of high potential, mind you. In Gurren Lagann, Kamina's death is sudden and shocking, leaving a massive hole in the hearts of the cast that never heals. Grappling with that loss, but also letting his memory fuel them, is a major theme of that story.

All that to say... there's no formula for avoiding it. You've gotta identify what the deeper issue is, in your specific narrative.

I can't say for certain what that will look like for your story, but here's some things I keep in mind;

When you make characters who exist to die, make sure they're people before you axe them.

Ask yourself; what about them does the cast miss?

If they just miss them because they were (pre-existing relationship), go back to the drawing board.

Fluttering Bird as an example. Who was she? Dead sister. Why do they miss her? Dead sister. No traits until after her death.

Runningwind was short-tempered and helpful. Kamina was a valuable leader who made people believe in a brighter future. Swiftpaw was fiesty and desperate to prove himself. The better characterized, the more profound the loss usually is.

If this is a female character who is dying just to serve the plot, be aware of cultural bias and tropes. How is the gender ratio looking in your cast? Is this happening disproportionately with your girls?

Note how Quiet Rain's litter had both a boy and a girl, but the girl was chosen to be "weaker" and wither away.

And how most of the time in DOTC, whenever a man had to be upset, a girl would get killed for it.

If you ever feel like the character on the chopping block is NOT a full character, ask yourself why it needs to be a character at all. You don't need to spend narrative time building out someone when a literal object of high value might suffice.

"My sister died when I swore to protect her and I can't face my family" = Old. Tired. Ive seen this.

"I lost my heirloom sword when I swore to protect it and I can't face my family." = Fascinating. Why was the sword so valuable? Will they really not take you back? How did you lose it?

When you do kill off "high value" characters, try to make sure you're not leaving too many plot threads hanging. Or at least make a point of how they will never get closure.

[thevoidstaredback]

Tim's Deep Dive

Enough Caffeine to Kill an Elephant Side Story

Tim frowned down at his coffee. He was right, no amount of caffeine would ever be enough again.

Phantom was right, too. Tim's heart had, in fact, stopped beating for about a minute after he took that first sip, but it was nothing he couldn't walk off. He'd also been awake for three days, but it had been a very productive three days, so jokes on everyone else!

God, he needed a nap.

'Productive' is a strong word, actually. Yeah, he'd gotten a lot of work done in those three days, but it wasn't any of the work he should've been doing, like any of the four cases he was currently working on. Yeah, he progressed them, but he wasn't focused on them.

Hyperfocus is an intense form of mental concentration or visualization that focuses consciousness on a subject, topic, or task. And currently, Tim was hyperfocusd on Phantom. Well, specifically, he'd focused on who Phantom is.

Sure, his original goal was to find the recipe for that coffee - damn it was good! - but that had quickly been derailed when he'd found the JL's records on him.

Or rather, lack thereof.

Batman knows everything there is to know about everyone. He logs it all in the Justice League Records, obviously encrypted and not all in one place, but there's nothing on Phantom.

The JLD Files had a bit more information, but not by much.

There was a picture of Phantom, obviously taken when he was mid-battle, but the town in the background was unfamiliar and old. Phantom's hair was white, but more solid looking than normal, and his eyes were purely a toxic sort of green. His suit was a black HAZMAT with white gloves, boots, collar, and decal. His features were also a lot more...human looking? Yeah. He's more human like in the picture, ignoring the glowing green where there should be blood.

Was that...Lazarus Water?

No, it's too bright. But it's definitely something similar.

Underneath the picture was the standard base of everyone's files.

Name: N/A Alias: Phantom Age: N/A D.O.B: 02-12-XXXX (Earth Calendar) Gender: Male Race: Ghost (Realms Being) Height: 5'2" Weight: N/A Location: Infinite Realms / House of Mysteries Status: Dead Personality: Introverted, kindhearted, loyal, protective, confident Powers: Sensitive to emotions, flight/levitation, invisibility, intangibility, eco blasts, basic magic History: The JLD summoned him, and he didn't leave. Zatanna Zatara offered him an official spot on the JLD Team, but he refused. He has yet to leave and works unofficially as a consultant with both the JL and JLD on Realms related problems

Tim had to give it to Phantom; he really knows how to keep himself hidden. There's almost nothing in the file on him. 'Almost' being the key word.

For one, the background of the picture. If Phantom's from anywhere the JL and affiliated teams have visited, then there'll be record of it.

Second, the specification of 'Earth Calendar'. He's from a place similar enough to their world to use their calendar, otherwise it would've been marked with the date of his home's calendar. No matter which calendar was used, though, didn't explain why the year was blocked out.

Thirdly, the file says both 'Ghost' and 'Realms Being'. According to the powerpoint Constantine presented barely two months ago, he can cross off 'ghost' as the correct term to use.

'Realms Being' makes sense if he's really from the Infinite Realms. However, why is he staying the the House of Mysteries? How can Tim get in?

'Dead' is not a ne thing to see on files like this, especially when dealing with magic, though the status doesn't normally start as Dead. Though, he's clearly able to consume substance, probably meaning that he also expels waste, but the dead can't do that. Deadman is a prime example of that fact. 'Undying' would be a better term, but that isn't quite right, either. Maybe as his race, but definitely not as his status.

The personality and powers check out from what Tim has seen and heard. Was that all there is to Phantom? That didn't seem right.

The history is what was really interesting. Phantom gets pulled from his home one day, probably to make a deal in exchange for help, and just decides to stick around? Not only that, but there's nothin before or after that. He lives in the House and works as a consultant, though he won't become a part of any team. Why? The wording is really vague, too.

Tim's always loved a good mystery.

With Speedsters, the Timeline is more of an open concept than a set path, so finding a 'when' is just a important as the 'how'.

He had the Batcomputer analyzing the photo, the only cap on time being the early nineteen-sixties when coloured cameras became much more widely available.

While that was going, he also ran the picture through facial recognition software. Phantom looked more human when this was taken, so it was probably close to when he died. (Did the dead change appearance after the fact, or did they look as they did in life? Jason suggests that they change, but he was only dead for six months, so he was probably an outlier. Then again, it's not like there's a huge sample pool for this kind of thing.)

Twenty minutes later, Tim had the results for both searches.

Amity Park, Illinois: Founded in 1690, Destroyed in 2069 An explosion, apparently. The state of Illinois converted the site to farmland, leasing it out to a couple of farmers.

Danny Phantom: First publicly appeared in mid-2004. His debut was at the local middle school, fighting a ghost named The Lunch Lady. After that, it was near daily appearances. Property damage and bystander injuries were kept to a minimum if not zero. Phantom's first recorded appearance dates back to Ancient Times, most notably in hieroglyphs alongside Anubis. All sightings of Phantom stopped in February of 2032.

Odd.

Even odder still? The second name that came up for Phantom.

Daniel James Fenton: Son of the town's ghost hunters/mad scientists. He was known for being terrified of ghosts, disappearing whenever there was a ghost attack. But, he had been sited to help Phantom run from both the Doctors Fenton and a [now disbanded] government organisation (Tim would have to make sure it was really gone, but that's a later project) called The Ghost Investigation Ward (G.I.W for short). He was quoted about altering his parents' tech so that Phantom could use it. His best friends had even been seen helping Phantom whenever they could.

If so many coincidences (seriously, try a little harder next time, okay?) weren't a dead give away, the craziest thing? Daniel looked almost exactly like Phantom.

His hair was black and his eyes sky blue, but his features were all the same. Daniel and Phantom held themselves completely differently, even dressing almost exactly opposite of each other, but it was still obvious that they're the same person.

Tim ran the facial recognition on Daniel James Fenton, giving an approximate age based on information Phantom had given willingly. Lo and behold, not even ten minutes later, Daniel J. F. Nightingale was staring at him from the screen.

Four years did almost nothing to change how he looks, but it hadn't been four years. Daniel didn't slowly fade out until he was thirty-six years old. It'd had been over a hundred years and Daniel didn't look a day over eighteen years old. Phantom looking the same makes sense because he's dead; no heartbeat or breathing. Daniel doesn't make sense because he's human, born and raised.

Medical records were shody to come by, especially for a town that had been destroyed, but it was doable. Inside, Tim found what was probably the answer to how Daniel has stayed nearly the same: An accident in his parents' lab.

Metahumans have only been recorded in the last hundred years or so. There's evidence of them existing long before that, but nothing concrete. Could Daniel be one of the first?

Tim had so many questions.

First thing's first, though: He coded the notes and put them in his personal folder. He had a hero to find.

Storyboard

[comfreyhollywings]

pac reading - need self-love tips? c'mere.

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             L O A D I N G . . .

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pile 1. 

protect yourself. 

i don’t think you quite know how valuable your energy is

like.. guys. i feel like we need to have a lesson solely on the beauty of pouring into your own cup, and to force yall to see how others are inspired by that.

and when you’re in that state where you can just flow; to protect yourself, you naturally shine so bright.

just now— a black wisp of smoke just hovered right in front of my eyes before dissipating. there’s a lot more smoke coming out of my candle purging out this smoke as we speak. 

that’s naturally a sign for me that.. if you love yourself; if you want to invest more into yourself, purge the things that are unnecessarily sucking your energy away.

aka energy vampires (doesn’t have to be this figure, could be an energy in your life)

like.. i think… when you properly pour into yourself, you tend to have a lot to give. while this is naturally a good thing to have such a generous heart, you can’t give forever. you can’t give from a place of depletion 

especially if others only know how to take, take, take. 

there’s something a former mentor said to me in this regard.

“the issue is that giving relentlessly can solicit the very sort of people who have no second thoughts about taking, and never giving. and it's not even always malicious. it's just their dysfunction meets another dysfunction.” 

take it from me, someone who’s currently still learning this lesson right now. 

i will be so real with y’all

 i’m currently going through a period where i’ve distanced myself from my partner of (seven-ish) months after learning that i was the one putting in more effort in emotional labor than my partner. 

and it’s not even that my partner had malicious intentions about it 

it was just that 

he hadn’t developed the emotional maturity let alone apply it to his life. and it’s shit that he had to figure out. 

because of this, i felt as if i had to partly take on the burden. not that it was a conscious thing, but it was moreso subconscious where i was driven by kindness to pour into him

as that’s what any decent human being would do, right?

but the taking. it kept taking, taking, and taking. the reciprocity wasn’t really… there much anymore. 

codependent tendencies? yes. and it’s shit he individually has to figure out. 

the same energy applies to your situation. i’m not sure if these are things you also are sorting out right now, but please know this: 

you can act from a place of kindness. absolutely. depending on your situation, you don’t have to cut them off. (if you’re in an abusive dynamic, that’s another story. you CANNOT fix them. you CANNOT change them, period. please get out asap as much as you can. i’ll provide resources. ) 

you’ll naturally feel like an asshole when you set up boundaries, when you distance yourself, etc etc. 

but the thing is that you will need that. to drive yourself to the brink of exhaustion for the sake of others leaves you with little energy for yourself.

like… you fight for others, but who will fight for you? you know? especially when you don’t even recognize the situation you’re in?

prioritize yourself more. examine your needs closely. get out of situations that you know is going to drain you. 

maybe it’ll feel like shit initially. like, of course these are bad habits you need to address.

but i promise you, it’s worth it. please keep going. 

pile 2. 

be gentle with yourself.

two things you must foster: your autonomy and your sense of abundance.

in simple terms: you’re worth being a fucking person standing on your own, you stubborn little fucking gem.  

you’re not like. this idealized concept that people make out of you.

you’re not a goddamn concept.

you’re a person. a living, breathing person with needs and wants and dreams 

goddammit you deserve to be loved.

please treat yourself with a lot more kindness and autonomy than you have ever done with the people you love.

gods know you deserve it 

like christ 

this is my pile who probably has self-esteem issues, huh (i say that as if i don’t have weird shit going on with my self-esteem but whatever) 

work, work, work. it’s always work with others. it’s always prioritizing their needs before your own.

it’s the tight ball you feel in your chest that gets lodged up inside your throat. it’s the hard swallow as you bite your tongue back. it’s the coughing when you’re in the middle of a sentence before someone takes over without any regard for you. 

and it’s not like you’re unable to redirect the spotlight over to you. you absolutely can. 

however. like

god forbid you make mistakes right? like, god forbid that you don’t run your mind through a fucking cheese grater if you’re not like a radar.

god forbid you’re not constantly detecting what preconceived faults you have of yourself. 

because if you don’t, are you even worthy of love at all? 

here’s a secret: you don’t need to work to earn love. your self-worth isn't dictated by how much you pump out to the world.

yes, it requires work to keep love alive, but there’s a vast difference between that and EARNING love. 

you are worthy. you are seen. you are accepted for the way that you are.

all of you.

your flaws, your tics, your anger, your hurt, and your sorrow. 

and likewise, your love, your passions, your healing, and your joy. 

you are worth being gentle to yourself. you are worth the grace you extend out for others. you are worth taking up space. 

take off the mask. take off the notion of “perfection”. take off the need to people please. take off the need for constant validation outside of yourself.

sit with yourself. journal. purge. and forgive yourself for the things you’ve been unfair to you about. all of these judgments and old standards that don’t serve you anymore, that you punish yourself for. 

you’re enough. stop it. 

c’mere pile 2, let me hug you.

you are worthy of it all, my loves.

pile 3. 

listen to yourself. give yourself the space to let your voice be heard. 

you have such a wonderful, unique, and creative voice that you restrain others from hearing. 

it roots back to pile 2’s perceived ‘imperfections’ that they try to adhere to

thus, resulting in them being harsh on themselves. 

so let me tell you this: you are lovely. 

and your voice deserves to be heard. 

additionally, your voice is not just deserving 

it’s needed for a time like this. you have a message specifically encoded to you that you’ll have to ground and manifest into the world through your creative works, and it’s time for you to see that.

it’s time for you to honor the creativity bestowed upon you because that is your voice that’ll touch people’s hearts. 

that’s the voice that you need to hear from yourself the most. 

let things flow, let things come, let them be like water. let your creations permeate and adapt to objects, places, and people. 

let it breathe, let it live rather than killing it prematurely. 

as i’m writing, i’m hearing this song: frequency by jhene aiko. 

a lot of that song talks about blessings and freedom. freeing cities, freeing their seed (the next generation), giving freedom and mercy. it talks about anointing, pouring that oil so that the generations before and after can become kings and queens. 

this is a very universal and empathetic song that got channelled out.

so i feel like in many forms no matter the genre, whether it’s through a medium like writing, game dev, videos, podcast, art, and so on 

all of your works have these themes in common: freedom, blessings, and generations. 

what i want to warn you about though in pursuing your art forms

don’t let ego get the best of you. 

now i’m not necessarily talking about arrogance (though that very well might be the case but that normally lies within a much deeper issue of having your self-esteem bloat as a way to overcompensate for your idea of self-worth) 

i’m talking about letting your insecurities of looking ‘stupid’ get the best of you because you risk ‘cringing’ at your works. 

but the thing with art is that you’re going to have to be stupidly earnest because that is your entire essence. 

and if you think about it, a lot of cringe is just

sincere? and earnest?

just get it out there. don’t compare yourself to anybody. your journey is your own, so there’s no need to be anyone or anything

be you 

that’s all that matters. 

trust me, the you authentically reading this is more powerful than any heroes/idols that you’ve ever grown up putting on a pedestal. 

kill your heroes, put down that pedestal. 

you’re just as worthy of creating; your heroes are no better than you. 

[marieisnothere12]

Sunday HSR Analysis

“People often forget that when the first bird took flight, the entire world envisioned a future where… No more fledglings would ever crash to their death.”

Hsr 2.2 spoilers 👇

I think Sunday values security and safety above all. Robin tells him he doesn’t need to do everything and not relax and we also see how much he does. He’s kind of like a pastor (or preacher idk the difference) hearing ppls confessions. Sunday is definitely seen as the perfect person. A responsibile, talented, brother than handles everything. Sunday’s main internal conflict is him not being sure he’s doing the right thing. He’s trying to persuade himself that he’s just trying protect people (but mainly Robin ig). And as Aventurine’s Future says something along the lines of:

“To deceive others, you must first deceive yourself.”

I think there are multiple parallels between the two. They both value security (or a false sense of it), deceive others, and in a way, gamble. Sunday’s plan of teaming up with Ratio and getting the “aventurine” stone. His questions with the Trailblazer, Himeko, March, and Firefly were pretty risky if you ask me. And like Aventurine, has questionable ways of achieving their goals. He believes he’s doing the right, and more importantly, necessary things to keep Penacony up and running. His drive isn’t principle like he suggests at the beginning, but need.

When Welt, Sunday, and Robin talk to the Dreammaster, he speculates that they do not worship the Harmony but the Order and Sunday confirms this. He says:

“We were never the children of the Harmony… Within the foundation of law, humanity establishes civilization. And through Harmony, we obtain Order.”

This makes a lot of sense. Sunday’s truth spell doesn’t match the belief of the Harmony very well. It’s very forceful as we can see with Aventurine’s interrogation. Since we now know it’s the Order, his power matches that path perfectly. I mean, he’s a control freak like Ena the Order.

Furthermore, he keeps bringing up the bird story and it dying. When he tells Himeko, March, Firefly, and the Trailblazer the story, he asks them:

“…build a nest with a soft net where the Charmony Dove fell? Or build a cage for it, and feed it, giving it the utmost care from within the warmth of a home?”

March chooses to build a cage and protect it

Himeko chooses to build a cage and protect it

Firefly chooses to build a cage and protect it

The Trailblazer chooses to build a nest.

He then asks another question, the Trailblazer chooses the opposite of what Sunday chose.

Sunday then asked the third and final question.

“Would you still support Robin’s journey on the path of Harmony?”

The Trailblazer says yes.

Let me ask you this: How much can you blame Sunday? He wants protection, for himself and others. That’s why he follows the Order. He believes that you need force to have preace. Sunday wants to unite people under the Order.

But every planet that followed the Order shined bright but burned just as quickly.

He thinks his sister is naïve for following the Harmony and getting that bullet injury, but I would argue Sunday is just as naïve as her. None of the planets that worshipped Ena the Order succeeded in the long term. But the thing about Sunday that makes his naïveté worse than Robin’s, who is less naïve and more idealistic, is his arrogance and ignorance. Sunday is constantly reassuring himself he is a follower of the Order for the sake of Penacony and the Dreamscape.

I think Sunday’s view on humanity is pessimistic (as put in the hsr wiki) bc he detaches himself from. When he talks about, well anything in 2.2 it gives very “i’m a god and you pitiful humans are doomed.” However, he still genuinely wants to help people. I think this god-like stance is a bluff, a facade. We know from the Robin and Sunday cutscene that Sunday believes he has the be the one person that protects everyone, the person who suffers for everyone else. He has to put on a face that says “dw I got it.” Sunday thinks that he has and always will be the reliable one. He emotionally distances himself from everyone else to “see the big picture.”

When Sunday asks why does life slumber, the Trailblazer answers:

“Because someday…we will wake up from our dreams.”

This shocks Sunday. And if i’m being perfectly honest. I don’t really know exactly why. Maybe because he realizes that people (and himself) need to stop indulging into escapism. He may also be reminded he’s human. He isn’t perfect and his ideals aren’t the right solution for humanity.

And he replies:

“The night is still…too short…”

Sunday still wants to dream of something (or reminisce the past?). I’m not sure we gotta wait for him to be playable.

Before that Robin says:

“Even if that star… must hang in a perpetual night of solitude”

So that might also mean he thinks he deserves being alone or doing everything :((( this is a stretch tho

Robin also says:

“Brother… the weakness of humanity cannot be redeemed by others. Stop it… You want to achieve the paradise we promised but the Order is not the only choice! True happiness and the meaning life lie in defying Nihility and embracing all that life offers!”

Sunday wants to solve other peoples problems and humanity’s weakness

He might be nihilistic :((

He’s lonely :(

To close, Sunday doesn’t have bad motives but his execution is pretty questionable. The Order is more about control than anything (Ena and Sunday are both control freaks).

I love Sunday sm <333

[houpss]

The last moment of affection

Peiring:Lee Minho x Han Jisung

ONLY APPEARANCE AND A LITTLE CHARACTER ARE TAKEN FROM REAL PEOPLE. DOES NOT REFER TO REAL IDOLS.

Tag:doomed love, angst, suicide, drugs, death.

Minho and Jisung had a complicated and complex history. Their relationship was riddled with complex emotions and tension, laced with doubt and deception. They managed to change each other's lives, but, unfortunately, not for the better. How did this story begin? What happened at the end? A love story is never happy, love is cruel, and trust destroys hearts.

They began writing this story when they were students in high school.Both are only 17 years old. Minho is the leader of the basketball team, and Jisung is a very attractive guitarist in the school band. Minho is harsh and rude, while Jisung is loud, cheerful and very gentle. Minho immediately noticed Jisung in the crowd, bright blue hair visible in the crowd. Jisung dressed the way he wanted, he did what he wanted...and then Minho wanted Jisung. Jisung immediately fell in love with Minho, maybe this story is about true love? Jisung also paid attention to Minho, but noted him as a very rude and wayward young man.

–"Look, Sonnie, Minho is staring at you again,” Felix whispered in Jisung’s ear and glanced towards Minho, who was sitting at the opposite end of the dining room.

–"He recently invited me to his home..” Jisung whispered mysteriously in response and looked at Minho and waved his hand.

–"And what did you do?"

–"Damn, first we watched anime... and then... he kissed me." Jisung's cheeks turned red and he was sure that Minho was grinning at such Jisung. Felix's eyes widened and he squeezed Jisung's shoulder approvingly, "YOU HAVE TO TELL ME EVERYTHING."

This was the beginning. Everything was like something out of a stupid novel or, even worse, a romantic drama. The relationship started fast and furious, Minho loved a lot of emotions and Minho loved Jisung. Jisung always dreamed of being loved and wanted to love. Minho lifted Jisung to heaven.

–"So gentle when you're embarrassed"

–"Please,Ho..Kiss me again"

Soft laughter, hot hands under a T-shirt and such familiar lips on the skin. The idea of falling in love with Lee Minho was the best thing in life.

–“You look like my dream...you feel like the most pleasant alcohol,” Lee whispered and kissed Jisung aggressively, hovering over him on the sofa. They met at Minho's house, these were secret meetings. Jisung's family only knew Minho as Jisung's friend. But should friends kiss?

–"Sonnie, play the guitar for me. You play so beautifully" Jisung would compose hundreds of lyrics for Minho, Minho would become his eternal muse.

Minho gave Jisung the brightest love, they call it "Eros". Such love is passionate and flaming, implying a loss of control due to love... they have long ceased to control themselves. They seemed to shine with each other. They had so many moments together, so many tender and sweet memories.

And also, as Jisung said, Minho fucks him well. Yes, with Minho it was definitely the best sex, leading to languor and stars in the eyes. Lee Minho knew how to make things pleasant.

Jisung thought about Minho before bed, thought about him in the morning, and thought about him always, absolutely always. Minho settled in Jisung’s thoughts and in his heart, becoming Jisung’s very dream. Han Jisung knew how to love. And Minho...oh dear Minho. Minho never thought he wanted to settle for just one. Lee Minho wanted to take everything at once.

Minho has always been a person prone to cheating. He couldn't stop at one person, one story. But when he decided to cheat on Jisung, his long-term partner and lover, it was too much even for him.

Minho:Hyunnie) can you come to my house by 7:30 pm?

Hyunjin:I can, Minho, what happened?

Minho: Jisung and I had a fight, I'm so bored...

Hyunjin: Omg, I'll be there soon. wait with alcohol.

Minho: Tanks 💌👌🏻

Oh yeah. Minho and Jisung started arguing a lot. Minho often disappears, he's just bored with Jisung. Jisung is too nice, Jisung is too soft and Jisung loves him too much. It was suffocating Minho, he wanted freedom and more lust, Minho wanted more sex. Jisung tried many times to have a normal conversation with Minho, but every time the same short message awaited him: “Don’t bother me, I’m busy.”

Busy...When will you find time for Jisung?

–"Haven't you talked again?"

–"Lix...he always disappears somewhere, he always goes with Hyunjin...it's like I'm nobody"

–"Please Jisung, talk to him."

–"But I don't want to hurt him."

–"Aren’t you in pain yourself?”

Those around Jisung clearly noticed how he was losing interest in life. He couldn't understand how he could think like that...he would never leave Minho, and that thought haunted her every night. He could not fill the emptiness in his soul, and the moral pain became unbearable.

–"I want to watch a movie with you, Sonnie"

–"Min!! I'm so happy, of course I'll come...how about tonight?"

But there were no films. Minho loved the body, Minho doesn't need Jisung's soul. He invited Jisung to indulge in the passions of the night. Jisung is in pain again, but he allows Minho to do it.

Jisung:Minnie, We need to talk

Minho:About what?

Jisung:I know it will hurt. forgive me, you were my best boyfriend...I really love you so much, I always do. I love you until my knees tremble and my heart hurts... but it’s time to end this. You always disappear with Hyunjin or Chan, you always avoid me, it hurts me. I want to end this relationship.

Minho:Oh so pretty)Yeah, we are breaking up. I do not love you. Sorry, I'm late for Chan :)))

Pain.Jisung is so stupid, yes, stupid. It hurts so damn much. It’s as if a tormenting frost has set in on your soul, and the flowers are dying in the frost. as if his heart had been torn out of his chest and left him, leaving only emptiness in him. Full of despair, he experiences a loss of interest in life. Further we go, worse it becomes. Previously, he could find joy, happiness, pleasure in life even in the little things. But now all the days have become gray, devoid of meaning and purpose. It’s dark inside him, a dark forest, as if his soul is immersed in absolute darkness.

"Can I just leave?" - such thoughts arise in him more and more often. What does he have to lose? He lost his soulmate, his family, his love. What's left? Endless emptiness and pain. It's so easy to just stop existing. It's so easy to stop feeling pain. Jisung is unable to live without Minho. Jisung's soul completely dissolved in Minho, but he just laughed at him. Probably Jisung has no value since Minho cheated on him... probably Jisung is not good enough for Minho... Jisung promises to improve. Jisung wants to go back to Minho, but sees him either in Hyunjin’s company or in Chan’s Company.

Jisung's too kind heart hurts, he completely stops socializing. He leaves the group, now the guitar is his past. He dyed his bright blue hair black and permed it, so he's now curly. Jisung wears glasses and dresses modestly, Jisung has lost himself. Han Jisung killed himself. The world is like cracked glass, fragments fly in different directions. Jisung only allowed Felix to come near him, and Felix’s heart ached so much for his friend. Felix doesn't want to lose Jisung.

But Felix didn't have extra ears or eyes, he couldn't always be with Jisung, and Jisung only communicated with Felix. This night will be the loneliest.

Night. White sheets, the silence of the night and only the cool air brought Jisung to consciousness. What a terrible feeling, why does love hurt so much? He missed Minho, he believed that Minho was not bad, but it hurt so much. It hurt as if I had been hit with all my might right in the chest. Jisung saw life next to Minho. Jisung destroyed himself, he gave up his dreams and career. Jisung can't be himself anymore, so what's left? Black curls fell on an unnaturally pale face, Jisung got out of bed and found some pills in the medicine cabinet, he didn’t care what they were. Jisung didn't realize what he was doing or why he was doing it. He just wants to stop feeling pain, pills relieve pain.

Jisung:Sorry, Felix

Jisung:It will be better, better for everyone.

Jisung:I'm so scared, but I have to do it.

Jisung:Sorry bro...you were the best.

Han Jisung turned off his phone without seeing Felix's tirade and the message "I'M ALREADY ON THE GO, PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING." Oh.. Jisung just didn't want to be stopped.Death for lunch today, bon appetit.

Jisung looked at the pills that were lying on a snow-white plate. There is no doubt that Jisung is just tired. Many people say that after death... it is calm and good there, which is what Jisung wanted. Jisung locked himself in the kitchen after changing into a black shirt and black pants, his black curly hair falling over his face. First pills...second...third...fourth...he lost count, I think there were about 30? The last thing Jisung felt was the feeling of doomed love, “I’m sorry that I love you so much, Lee Minho,” Han Jisung’s very last thought.

But Lee Felix didn’t have time, he had to break down the door to the kitchen, where he saw Jisung already dead. He sat just like he was alive, only he would never speak and would never walk. Lee Felix will blame Minho and tell everyone to blame him for Jisung's death. Han Jisung is no longer in pain, he is no longer afraid or in love.

[justxtalking]

Do u think maybe when killua was stalking gon it was because he was jealous of gon and not palm for going on a date with palm or just going on a date?like what proof do we have that he was jealous of palm other than him not liking palm?and when he asked gon if he had went on a date before gon said yes and killua had a rock drop on his face😭and he kinda envied him like hes so experianced,maybe he was jealous of gon not palm

Eh, the third magical option?

The thing is, Killua doesn't show any interest in dating. Not then, not before and not after. And, as you pointed out, he doesn't even like Palm. What we do know about Killua is that he wants to be with Gon forever.

Let me explain my thoughts a bit more, with all the proof.

Disclaimer: This is how I see it. Just my perspective on this topic. Literally, just my opinion.

Before talking about the date, I think it's necessary to talk about the scenes that came before. Everything it's clearer with context, and I think it's better if we don't see the date in isolation.

Killua's conflict in these scenes (and more) revolves around his love and care for Gon. Being more specific, his desire to stay with Gon. These scenes are written mostly focusing on Killua's perspective, too.

“Gon, you are light.”

The scene is really powerful and important for Killua as a character and in his relationship with Gon. Here, Togashi focuses mainly on Killua’s feelings towards Gon, as it is shown through the art and the inner-monologue. Before, Killua was feeling down thanks to what Knov, Netero and Morel said to him. Here are some examples of what they said:

It directly links to Killua’s weakness, which is presented later in this part of the arc.

However, Gon thanks him and makes him feel better. What I want to take from this scene is 1. Killua sees Gon as light.

Togashi literally portrays Gon as light by using the white space, lines that seem to come from Gon, and adding subtle white lines to Killua’s shocked expression. To Killua, he shines so bright he can’t keep on looking at him.

If you ask me, I don't think this is the first time Killua sees Gon like this. I think Gon was bright to him since almost the moment they first met, though I do think Killua's feelings grew more and more as the story continued. However, it is the first time we, the readers, are told by Killua about it. This is the first time Togashi shows Killua thinking in those terms about Gon.

And 2. He asks himself, “But… can I still stay by your side?” This is important because Killua, here, is already questioning himself if he, being the person he is, can stay with Gon.

2. Palm

When this scene ends, we meet Palm. What I want to take from these scenes is the following.

First, Palm is introduced as a highly disturbing character, and clearly not mentally well. Her design resembles a horror character (she looks like the girl of The Ring), her speech bubbles are wobbly as if she's trembling, and her behavior is truly unhinged in more ways than one.

It's also important to take into account that Togashi loves dark humor, and he makes a lot of jokes with Palm.

Second, neither Killua nor Biscuit know how to talk to her. They are deeply disturbed by her (and rightly so) and uncomfortable. The only one who can speak to her normally is Gon. Not because he is not disturbed or because he is totally oblivious, he was weirded out at first, but he has a clear goal (train and rescue Kite) and knows how to behave around her better than the other two.

Examples of Biscuit and Killua:

Gon is acting determined and positive, which leads to Palm liking him. Killua, in these cases, is disturbed by Palm and he notices Gon is able to deal with Palm, something Biscuit and him can't do.

Third, Palm is highly worried about Gon and Killua not being able to beat Knuckle and Shoot. She's presented like a threat to the trio, and she warns them more than once about it.

If Palm gets angry, they could be killed. That's why Biscuit ends up running away.

3) Killua's weakness

Here we, the readers, are informed for the first time of Killua's weakness in battle. If we pay attention to Killua's behavior in previous scenes, we would realize that this is something that he has been doing since the beginning.

What I want to take from this is the following:

This spell takes “an enormous effort to break.”

2. Killua gets scared and worried that, if he can't get over his weakness and beat Shoot, he will have to “stay out of Gon's life” because one day he could “let Gon down and leave him to die.” Killua does not want to leave Gon and does not want Gon to suffer because of him. This is linked with the first point I explained, and Killua questioning himself about being able to stay with Gon.

What Biscuit said to him served as a wake-up call for him to try and change.

However, despite his best efforts, he still lost against Shoot. Killua feels awful about that because it means he will have to leave Gon. He made up his mind that it was for the best, but since Gon is nenless, Killua feels like he can't leave him alone just yet. He needs to protect him.

4) The date!

First, when Gon and Killua arrive, Palm is destroying dolls of Gon with a knife, and wanting revenge because Gon and Killua failed despite Gon's promise. Both react shocked, but Gon is the one who tries to make it up to her, since he was the one who made the promise and failed.

Here, Killua is clearly unhappy about the situation. He gets angry and disturbed. He understands the concept of dating and he doesn't like that Gon will have a date with Palm. He tries to object and complains to Gon and to Palm, going back and forth. He doesn't want Gon to go out with Palm, not because he wants to go on a date instead of Gon but because Gon will go out with Palm. I don't think Killua would have cared this much if another person instead of Gon would have gone out with Palm.

It's one of the cases where we could say Killua was jealous, as he is taking an active role to avoid this date from happening.

Second, the gym scene. As I mentioned before, Killua was already thinking about Gon being able to deal with Palm, so here he asks him about dating (since he made the connection between the two.)

When Gon answers that he did, as you mentioned, Togashi draws a rock drop, a device to show that Killua was extremely shocked by Gon's answer (and also for comedic effect.) Killua relaxes a bit when Gon says it was mostly with Mito, but he again reacts shocked when he hears there were others.

The fact that Killua thinks Gon “is so experienced” together with Gon saying that “They call those types cougars” while looking so innocent is a joke of dark humor. We don't know the true nature of these dates, to be honest, but it's what gave Gon the experience to know how to behave around Palm so she doesn’t hurt them.

Killua here does not act like he envies Gon, he's more shocked than anything (and a bit disturbed.) What's interesting in this scene is when Gon asks Killua back about dating, Killua answers a bit nervously and completes his sentence in his mind: “And I thought we would stay together.”

If you ask me if he's okay with Gon dating other people, I would say he isn't because of these reactions.

Killua is not interested in dating someone else, he just wants to stay with Gon. What comes to his mind at that moment is what Biscuit said to him (what I explained in point 3, Killua's weakness.) He truly doesn't want to leave Gon, but he thinks it's for the best.

And I may have no proof, but it looks as if he shed a tear or two and he wiped his face fast. Togashi did hide Killua's face when Killua was about to cry.

Third, the date. Before delving into how Togashi wrote it, we need to take into account that this date is a romance trope often found in shoujo. There is a lot to say about the shoujo elements Togashi includes in his stories, but I'll focus only on this one.

This trope is still pretty popular, but it was easily found in romance during the 2000s, especially in school romance. I believe the Hunter X Hunter chapters of this scene came out around the early 2000s (at least that's what my own volume says), so it makes sense that Togashi wanted to include something of the sort in his work.

The trope has different forms, however, Togashi follows the most traditional one. It is usually used to add drama and tension to the love story. Literally, to stir up some drama. The third person is shown as a possible threat to the main couple (typical love triangle) and helps the couple and the characters to grow in some way.

In relation to the scene, it consists of the main character going on a date or simply going out with a third person outside of the relationship (sometimes it can be the second male/female lead or someone else) while the main love interest follows them making excuses as to why but worried about them being together.

Togashi follows the same format in this scene, with his own goals. It's one of the reasons why I think the reader would think Killua is jealous, since he's acting like the love interest in hiding.

Generally, the character wears a hat, glasses, or both to go undercover. Killua wears a hat.

The love interest in hiding makes excuses as to why he's following them. During the date, Killua follows Gon and Palm (and lies about his whereabouts to Gon), and he keeps on saying he’s following them because “he needs to protect Gon,” which could sound like an excuse to justify himself. He even feels self-conscious about what he's doing, but says to himself that he's doing this to protect Gon.

It adds to the fact that from the beginning, as I've explained before, Killua feels like he needs to protect Gon. Killua, despite losing against Shoot, stayed with Gon because he would be vulnerable against the enemies and Palm. He thinks more than once that he needs to protect Gon.

3. Killua gets annoyed by Palm's new appearance, which is another reaction that the love interest in hiding usually has. In my opinion, Killua was shocked by it and he was also mad because now she looked more like a possible love interest to Gon.

Also, another thing about the trope, Gon takes Palm out for a date so he can make it up for failing her. He takes her to several places that are used for dates in shoujo (the aquarium, for example). I think it's interesting to know that, too.

During the date, I'll admit that Killua's reactions smell a bit like jealousy of Palm (at least to me). He also continues being disturbed. But I repeat, he doesn't show interest in dating. The thing is, the focus is in his worry for Gon's safety and his deepest desire, which is to stay with Gon.

To end this section, it is also interesting to mention that when the date ends, Gon rejects Palm at the same time Killua leaves to find the chimera ant. The main character (in this case Gon) rejects the second love interest (in this case Palm) since he's not interested in them.

5) The conclusion!

I know you only mentioned the date, but I think it's important to talk about how all of this ends, since it has to do with Killua's turmoil I mentioned at the beginning and Killua's stand on Palm and Gon.

Killua fights the chimera ant and finally takes Illumi's needle out of his head. This scene must be one of the most powerful scenes of Killua. After failing in his fight against Shoot, he is now fighting against a dangerous enemy, who does want to kill him and Gon. (I hate that ant.)

Killua makes a tremendous effort and is able to take the needle out because of his own strength and desire to not lose Gon. What gave him so much strength is his love for Gon. He literally frees himself.

When he returns, he's a lot firmer with Palm. He does look a lot freer than before, too. Killua doesn't have to leave Gon anymore.

I would like to highlight some dialogues in this scene. It continues to resemble a love triangle between the three of them (Gon, the main character, Killua, the main love interest, and Palm, the third character who comes to make drama), among other things.

Before, Palm already said to Killua, “Stop interfering, it's between him and me.” Killua complained but it didn't get him anywhere.

Now, Palm repeats to Killua, “Stay out of it. It's none of your business,” which in turn Killua answers, “You stay out of it. In fact, just go away.” At this moment, this Killua is able to stand up for himself a lot better than before. He's clearly showing his discontentment for Palm and her dating Gon.

Something interesting about this is that Palm notices Killua's cuts from the fight at that moment, too. Killua is also able to dodge Palm's attack with no effort and to run away with Gon.

Palm gets extremely angry because Killua is interfering in her relationship with Gon. She literally wants to find him and kill him.

She doesn't because Knov appears, lol.

Togashi finishes this whole Palm's adventure with Gon and Killua thinking how Gon can get free from Palm. Just like Killua was not interested in dating Palm, Gon wasn't either. He was just forced.

So yeah! This is how I see it. I'm sorry I can't give you a more confident answer. You're free to make your own conclusions.

I think Killua's annoyance can be easily interpreted as jealousy of Palm (the romance trope doesn't help his case lol). And I think it's safe to assume that part of the reason why Killua doesn't like Palm is because she likes Gon.

However, at that moment, I don't think Killua has still reached the point of wanting to date Gon (maybe he surprises me in the future), or anyone for that matter. Though I do think if Gon asks him to date for real, he wouldn't say no.

Killua does show genuine concern for Gon and a deep desire to stay with him. And it's obvious that he loves him a whole lot. If you ask me if that love is romantic or not, I would say that yes, but it's a lot deeper than that.

I think it's highly interesting that Togashi wrote such important scenes for Killua with Palm in mind. I can't get over the fact that he literally used a romance trope to make Killua grow. Food for thought, to be honest.

I hope I answered your question and that I'm not too late, omg. I had a good time writing this, so thank you. I got really excited when I saw your question because I love speaking about this. However, I hope I was coherent enough. For you and anyone who is reading this.

[im14andivebeen14foramonth]

ADHD CURTIS BROTHERS HCS PLEASEEEEE 🙏

YESSS I FUCK WITH THIS HEAVY

Ponyboy

pony's most apparent symptom is his inattentiveness. his head is always up in the clouds, and he spends a looot of time daydreaming

very very very forgetful, mostly about his own needs. he'll go days without brushing his teeth if darry doesn't remind him

pony has a bad habit of zoning out while looking directly at people, so they just look over and his eyes are like wide and glazed over and staring into their souls. it especially freaks steve out for some reason. "QUIT STARING AT ME LIKE THAT!!" "huh?"

he can't get himself to do his homework in a timely manner. he works best under pressure and so he'll just procrastinate it until the night before it's due and then he locks in

when he does lock in like that, he's practically dead to the world. bro forgets to eat and drink and move his body for like hours at a time until darry or soda makes him get up and he's just like "ow. ow. ow. everything hurts"

he's still hyperactive though and it drives darry crazy sometimes. when he's with the rest of the gang is when it really spikes, and he'll start running all around the house with them. darry can tell though when he needs to get his energy out because he'll just start following darry around the house and bounce around or drum his fingers on every single thing he can. when he gets like that, darry will ask him if he wants to go for a run or play football or smthn so that he can get his energy out

bro WILL hyper fixate on every single thing he's interested in, his consistent ones are books and movies, but sometimes he'll just spend hours a day thinking about one specific book or drawing one character from the latest movie he's seen

it's always a 50/50 on whether he's going to have lots of fun or get super overstimulated in different places. like in grocery stores, after a half hour he's ready to start crying and he'll usually just get quiet and not leave darry's side until they leave. but he thrives in other places like fairs and festivals, and enjoys the bright lights and loud music

he doesn't have great control over his temper. he gets frustrated super easily and will get snappy over the smallest things, but almost every time without fail it ends with him crying and feeling bad

Sodapop

this man may just be the most hyperactive person ever

he will NOT stay in one place for more than five minutes at a time. he's always running around the house, and when he does stay in one spot, he's shaking/bouncing his leg the entire time

like pony though, he gets his moments where he locks in and they're the only times that he doesn't break focus no matter what. he'll go from talking nonstop to just being dead silent as he tries to fix something on a car at work and it freaks steve out

he's so bad with rejection :( even if it's something as small as someone saying they don't like his favorite car, or they're not in the mood to talk about horses, he'll get so sad and feel like his interests are stupid

he cries a lot no matter what he's feeling. if he gets frustrated, angry, or scared, he'll start crying and his energy goes through the roof

soda is easily the most forgetful person any of the gang has ever met. he'll forget what day it is, to put shoes on, to take food out of the oven, everything. it's mostly a short-term memory issue. however, his memory will be really good for oddly specific things. steve: "remember that time I got a cold or something in like elementary school and-" "oh yeah that tuesday in october in first grade when you were wearing that red shirt and you kept sneezing during story time :)" "why do you remember that??" "I dunno"

when he gets overstimulated it's BAD. it doesn't happen often, but when it does, he'll break down in tears and refuse to speak to anyone. darry's the only one who can ever calm him down

he stims a lot, usually by playing with the hair on the back of his neck or rubbing whatever shirt he's wearing

Darry

although it may not be as obvious, darry's also on the hyperactive side. he loves football, running, swimming, anything that's high intensity and lets him get his energy out. when he doesn't have a chance to do those things, he'll usually just pace around or do a quick workout

he will drum his fingers every single time he's thinking, he's even worse than pony with it. and if he has a pen in his hand, you better believe he's clicking it nonstop. the amount of dirty looks he got in school for it was crazy

even though he gets on pony for it a lot, darry also zones out a lot. he's usually better at hiding it though, like people will be having full conversations with him and they don't realize that he was zoned out the whole time until they ask him something and he just goes "huh?"

his biggest hyper fixation has always been football. he could talk for hours and hours about any player, team, or game if someone lets him

he did great in school, but he always had to find obscure ways of remembering things for tests and quizzes, he especially did a lot of those acronym things. whenever someone asked him how he did something or remembered something, he would explain his weird system and they would be even more confused

this poor man cannot cope without a schedule. that's a part of the reason why he gets so bothered when pony isn't home at the right time, because it throws off his schedule and then his whole day is ruined

whenever he reads, he can only focus if he sort of murmurs the words the whole time, and he almost always plays with the edges of the paper to keep his focus

when he gets overstimulated, he gets snappy and loud and doesn't want a single person to touch or talk to him

he's big on vocal stims. he hums or mumbles to himself or makes random noises whenever he's trying to focus on something

[hyunjinspark]

star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 14

synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, you’ve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but you’ve never met somebody like him.

there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that he’s always wanted to, but what he didn’t anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned. 

pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader

genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden romance, slowburn (!!!) soulmate au (kind of), star-crossed lovers

word count: 35K (🫠)

warnings: cursing, drinking, jealousy, mutual pining, sexual tension, intense making out, dirty talk, mature content, sub! hyunjin, references to fingering, mentions of the word cock, dom! hyunjin, handjob, grinding, dry humping, overthinking, references to anxiety and therapy, slight confrontation, opens with a flashback

a/n: thank you for being so patient with me, and this story! i worked a lot for this chapter, and its very pivotal to the rest of the story, in terms of hyun and yn. in fact almost 80% of this chapter is just them. i hope you love it. its very longg so please grab a blanket and snacks before sitting down to read it ;)

i recommend that you can listen to my star lost playlist here!

important: all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.

masterlist

summer of 2015.

“Do you know why those stars are called Cassiopeia?” 

The constellation was more visible than ever tonight — made up of five stars, it almost looked like a Queen sitting on her throne, in the sky.

It was a real question, because you had absolutely no idea why the constellations were named after Greek myths. You’d read about it, of course, within faded literature pages in middle school, but you’d never been interested in astronomy, so you hardly paid attention.

Staring up at it now, you wished you had.

“Hmm?” He asked, and you realised that he also hadn’t been paying attention, to you.

“Cassiopeia” You repeated, pointing your hand upwards, at the bright stars.

“I don’t speak French, babe”

“It’s Latin…” You told him, “What are you thinking of?”

The sand between your fingers was icky, but once you got used to it, it wasn’t all that bad. The waves rushing over you felt calm. The sea was warm this time of year, and the only thing you had looked forward to all summer was this moment, right here.

“I’m thinking…about how I’d do anything for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich right now” He replied, as if he’d been crafting his answer with perfection for ages, as if you hadn’t just asked him about the night sky, something completely unrelated. 

You turned your head, cheek pressing into the sand, “Really, Lix? We…just ate”

Felix sighed, still staring at the skies above, but making no effort to actually see anything, “I know, but…I’m still hungry”

It was tradition at this point, for you and Yongbok to run away to the beach, lie down in the sand, and talk about anything and everything in the world, or talk about nothing at all.

He was the one person in your life you didn’t mind silence with.

You rolled over to face him, as another wave washed over the two of you.

He squint at you, “What? Don’t look at me like that”

“Like what?” You laughed, elbows digging into the sand, “The carbonara Hana made was good, Lix. It was her first time making that too, don’t be so harsh on her”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was good, but I just don’t understand why we didn’t let Minho make dinner, as he does every time. You should stop being a kiss-ass to Hana”

“I am not a kiss-ass” You rolled your eyes.

He sighed, and sat up, making you sit up too, knees digging into the wet sand. You fixed the red strings of your bikini, tightening the knot at the sides.

He stopped you in the midst of that action, hand landing on your bare thigh, “Please? Just one sandwich?”

“Why can’t you make it yourself?” You frowned, looking up at him.

“Because…I don’t wanna get up” He hummed, lending his help to you. His fingers drifted upwards to your swimsuit and he tongued his cheek, “You don’t even know how to tie a knot properly. Let me”

You sat back, hands resting on your thighs as he took over. His fingers were cold, making you shiver, and Felix smiled at that.

“Did you even hear what I said?” You asked, annoyed.

He squinted, “About the French chick?”

You glanced back up at the sky, and the constellation that you had been talking of, “Greek. I was asking you if you know why the stars were named after her”

“Maybe she was really hot”

You rolled your eyes, “I’m sure she was”

He looked up at you, after tying the strings in a perfect knot, “Then they should name a star after you too, Y/N”

“Stop” You laughed, pushing his hand away, “You’re just saying that because you want me to get you food”

He smiled, shameless, “Yeah I am. Please?”

You glanced towards the cabin, a few hundred or so meters away. 

There were no lights on, since everybody else in the house had gone to sleep. Along the rest of the coast, other cabins dotted the beach, of all sizes and styles, lit up and occupied by families or groups of friends. It was a hot summer and nobody liked to stay in their stuffy city homes. 

But the coast was beautiful, and serene.

“Fine” You hummed, reaching over to pinch his cheek, “But you owe me, Lix”

His eyes were bright and you could never say no to him, so you gave in.

“I love you” He sang, as you walked over to the cabin, footsteps light in the sand. 

You took your time, relishing in the cool wind against your skin, occasionally turning back to smile at Yongbok. His eyes never left your figure until you reached the porch, making sure you got there safely, even though it was the safest place in the world.

Soon, this summer would end and you’d be back at school, missing this gritty sand and warm seawater. 

Yongbok’s shirt hung on the porch railing, next to your sweater and you slipped it on over your bikini, before stepping inside. The cabin tend to get cold, even on summer nights like this, so you hugged yourself to keep warm, as you walked through the foyer. 

Your friends were sleeping, and you had to be quiet. Treading carefully, the loud creak of the door still gave your presence away, wooden planks becoming wet with your footsteps.

You blindly fumbled in the dark, finding your way to the kitchen.

The television was on.

It was a little past three, and static noise buzzed through the little house, flashing colours lighting up the living room.

“Hello?” You asked, trying to see in the dark, “Minho?”

A blanket lay on the couch, but whoever had been watching TV had already left, since the remote lay buried in the pile of cushions. Frowning, you picked it up, turning it off.

“Just because Yongbok’s uncle pays for this doesn’t mean we can leave shit on…” You sighed, in the empty room, hoping Minho would hear you. The cabin was small, so even if he was upstairs, he’d be able to hear you. 

Now that the television was off, the entire room was engulfed in darkness again, and perhaps it would have been smarter to just leave it on so you could navigate. 

You weren’t scared of the dark, but you were easily startled. Moonlight filtered in through the windows, and peeking out, you could see Yongbok’s shape against the dark horizon.

In the blue light of your phone screen, you spotted your headphones on the coffee table. You plugged them in, switching to a playlist Yeonjun made as you slipped the headset over your wet hair.

It was silly, that you’d be making sandwiches for him at this time of the day, but you’d do just about anything in the world for Yongbok.

Humming along to your music, you stepped into the pantry, searching for the bread. For some reason, Minho had brought back four different kinds of bread from the local bakery earlier today, and you peered at the labels, wanting to pick one which wasn’t multigrain, since Yongbok hated that.

Whispers interrupted your search, and you stilled in your movements.

“Yongbok?” You turned around, but you couldn’t see anything or anyone in the dark.

It was probably your music that made you hear things, and you turned back to the shelf. 

“There you are” You smiled, spotting the Whole Wheat Bread.

You stepped into the kitchen, packet clasped tightly within your hands and that’s when you saw them.

You stilled in your movements.

The bread unceremoniously dropped from your hands, landing on the musty floor with a thump.

What the fuck?

Across the kitchen island, sat on the two bar stools, your best friend, Song Hana was kissing your other friend, Yeonjun.

No. They weren’t even just kissing. Hana was halfway in Yeonjun’s lap, and his tongue was so far down her throat that this obviously wasn’t the first time it happened. 

Your reaction of surprise wasn’t loud, but it might as well have been like dynamite inside the quiet house because it made them jump apart from each other, turning to face you.

His eyes were wide, as she noticed you in the doorway, “Oh my god. Y/N. Hey”

Hey?

So simple. Hey, I wasn’t just making out with our best friend.

You wish you could have just walked away without drawing attention to yourself, but now they were both staring at you.

You cleared your throat, thankful the dark concealed your shock, wondering what you could possibly say to diffuse the awkwardness, “Uh, I didn’t know anyone was awake in the house” 

“Yeah” Hana laughed, fumbling over her words, “I couldn’t sleep so…I came to get some dumplings”

Your gaze drifted to Yeonjun, and a faint pink coated his cheeks, but he wasn’t even looking at you. 

“Right... Jun?” You asked, making him finally glance up. Even in the darkness of the kitchen, you could prominently see the shape of his Adam’s Apple, as he swallowed, “Yeah, Y/N? Were you at the beach?”

You obviously saw them kiss, but they were hiding it, and there was nothing more to say.

“I…um, I just came to get some jelly, for Felix” You told them, “But…I’ll leave you two to it. Enjoy the...dumplings”

You immediately turned around, because you had to process this - whatever the hell you just saw, because your best friends were hooking up, and this was how you found out?

Hana had never expressed a romantic interest in him before this, what changed? Your friendship was too special, far too precious, to ruin with an impulsive mistake or decision like that.

You would ask her about it later, not tonight. 

You had to get back to the beach, to Felix. 

To something familiar, and comforting, and known and—

—A hand immediately grabbed your arm, stopping you in the corridor, in the midst of your thoughts.

You shouldn’t be surprised that it was him coming after you, instead of her.

Yeonjun was always the one wanting to fix everything, “Y/N, please wait”

He was always the one who never wanted to hurt you.

“Yeah?” You turned around, hoping you sounded as nonchalant as you wanted to, “You can keep the bread. I…I’ll just tell Yongbok we don’t have any”

“You’re hurt” 

Your eyebrows shot up, at his statement, “Hurt by what? The sandwiches weren’t even for me, I’m fine”

“You know that’s not what I’m talking about”

A laugh escaped you, “Then what?”

Yeonjun closed his eyes, “I wasn’t hiding it from you…I was going to tell you”

“It’s okay, I can pretend I didn’t see anything” You shot him a smile, trying to leave but he pulled you back. You stumbled towards him in the dark corridor, wondering where Hana was, if she was listening to this, and what she must be thinking.

“Jun…” You laughed, another forced chuckle.

A flash of regret painted his eyes, “I promise, I was going to tell you”

It was cold, and you were confused, but Yeonjun’s grip was warm, and understanding.

He didn’t need to explain himself.

You were…just surprised, a whirlwind of thoughts running through your head of everything that could possibly go wrong after tonight, and wondering if you really knew your friends as well as you thought you did. They’d been hooking up all this time, and you never noticed, and you never picked up on any hints?

You were more disappointed in yourself than anything.

He continued speaking, “I was going to tell you in the morning, I didn’t know you’re still awake, Y/N”

“I just didn’t expect that. Does anybody else know about you?”

He shook his head, “There isn’t an us”

You swallowed, “I mean, it’s fine if there is. It’s just…kind of something I have to get used to. How long have you been-”

Yeonjun grimaced, “No, you don’t understand. That was the first time it ever happened, Y/N”

Your voice fell, “What?”

“You just …walked in on our first kiss” He explained, “We haven’t ever done that before. That’s what I was trying to tell you. It just happened”

“But…” You squeezed your eyes shut, “What? I don’t understand. Are you…two tipsy or something?”

Yeonjun laughed, “I wish, but no. We’re...completely sober. Sorry you had to see that”

Your voice softened, tension falling from your shoulders, “You don’t have to apologise. I just didn’t expect...”

He nodded, a chuckle escaping him, “Yeah. You know that I’ve liked her for years”

You crossed your arms, hugging yourself, “Yeah…I just, I had no idea she liked you back”

He laughed, “I didn’t either, but she said that she always wanted to kiss me too”

“That’s good” You told him.

He lowered his voice, “Y/N. There’s something else. She said she’s in love with me”

Your eyes shot open, “What? In…love with you?”

He nodded, a smile on his lips, “I know. It was hard for me to believe too. The girl of my...fucking dreams just said that to me, like it took no effort. I didn’t think that stuff happened in real life”

This changed everything.

Yeonjun was only sixteen, and he’d found the love of his life, and you were so happy for him.

Your eyes lit up, “Did she kiss you first?”

He nodded, his lips still had traces of Hana’s lipgloss on it, “Yeah. She did”

“Fuck, that’s...really cool” You stared at the floor, trying to process it, “I was just taken aback, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to freak out or anything”

He shook his head, “No, I completely understand” 

Just then, Hana stepped out from the kitchen, footsteps timid, hands hugging herself as she saw you, “Hey”

“Hey”

The only light in the corridor was from the moon, and it illuminated their silhouettes beautifully.

They hadn’t even got together yet but you could imagine them being perfect together.

“I’m sorry you had to find out like that” She bit her lip, “We were going to talk to you tomorrow. I’d never keep something like that from you”

Yeonjun glanced at her, eyes crinkling, “I told her”

She looked up at him, mouth parted, “You did?”

The way they were looking at each other made it obvious. This wasn’t just a temporary, impulsive crush. Was it so easy to find the love of your life?

“I’m…gonna go up to bed though” She squeaked, and Yeonjun nodded.

She turned to you, “Is it okay if we switch places? I wanted to stay with him tonight. You could…stay with Minho, or Felix?”

“You’re kicking me out of our room?” You joked.

Hana immediately seemed guilty, “Sorry. I can move your things for you”

“It’s okay” You nodded, even though you had far too many things and art supplies for Hana to even attempt to move, and you could never fall asleep in Felix’s bed, but they were in love and that was the craziest thing in the world, so those technicalities didn’t matter right now, and you’d make do.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to move my stuff just for tonight. I can share Lix’s comforter” You smiled at her.

Hana walked away, and you were left alone with Yeonjun.

His gaze trailed to the kitchen, “Did you want something…from in there?”

You remembered the reason you’d been here in the first place, “Felix…he wanted-”

“Peanut butter and jelly?” He finished your sentence, “It’s almost four in the morning”

“Yeah, you know how he is” You laughed.

He sighed, shoulders sinking, as realisation sank in, “Sorry”

For what?

He had nothing to be sorry for.

Guilt overcome you, because you’d walked in on his first kiss, essentially ruining it and now he was saying sorry to you.

You frowned, reaching to grab his hand, “For what? I’m really happy for you, Yeonjun. I’m sorry I ruined your first kiss”

“Y/N-”

“I should be the one apologising. I know I was surprised at first, but you know that you deserve the best? I…know how long you’ve liked her, and I’m really glad she feels the same way. Why are you apologising for that?”

Yeonjun was looking at you in amusement, and he reached ahead to tuck a wet strand of your hair back, “You’re really special, you know that right?”

“What?” You frowned, “Why?”

“I was apologising to you just because…me and Hana finished all the jelly”

»»————-

“The jelly is gone”

Felix turned to you, quirking an eyebrow, “What does that even mean?”

You settled back into the sand, still in your sweater, curling your legs up, “It means…the jam is over. They finished it” 

“Who?” His voice raised, in pointed annoyance, and surprise.

“Yeonjun, and Hana”

Felix sighed, leaning back on his palms, “Why were they eating jelly at three am?”

“I walked in on them kissing” You blurted.

“What?”

“I just…I saw them, inside, kissing”

“Wait, what?” He shifted on his knees, towards you, “Who? Hana and him?”

You glanced at him, “Yeah, who else?”

A variety of emotions passed Felix’s face, and perhaps you weren’t the only one having trouble processing this. They would be perfect for each other, but what if they were not?

You buried your hands in your sleeves, watching the moonlight bounce off the high tide.

There was silence between you, the only sound of the ocean waves breaking at the surface. 

You had been excited for them, but now that you truly thought about it...a worry festered within you.

“I didn’t know Hana liked him back” He spoke.

“They’re probably gonna date, right?”

“I don’t know” He shrugged, “They might”

You traced a heart in the sand, “I’m happy for them”

He tilt his head, “Yeah, sure, you sound real happy, Y/N”

You squeezed your eyes shut, feeling crazy for even thinking all of this but you could tell Yongbok anything so you did, “I am. I’m just worried”

“About?”

You felt like a child, but you had a tendency to imagine the worst case scenarios, “What if they stop hanging out with us?”

Felix’s eyes softened, “Babe…”

Your voice shot up, “Don’t look at me like that. I’ve seen it happen. What if they break up? Everything’s going to go to shit then. It’s a bad idea to date within your friend group, isn’t it? This could be the downfall of everything”

Felix sighed, shifting closer to you, “Nothing is going to happen”

“You don’t know that” Your voice now broke, and you felt stupid for worrying when you should be happy for them, “I don’t want to lose them…or you. You guys…are the best thing in my life”

“Babe, they haven’t even started dating yet” He chuckled, hand reaching to your chin, “Calm down”

You erased the heart you’d drawn, “Yeah. You probably think I sound dumb as fuck”

“I’d never think that about you” He smiled, “Your concerns are very valid…but I don’t want you to be upset about something that may never even happen”

You sighed, and maybe spending so much time around Felix had made you as dramatic as him, “But what if we have to choose? I don’t want any of them to get hurt”

“Why would we ever have to choose?”

“I don’t know. Like…pick a side between them, if they fight. You know that I can’t choose, I love Yeonjun as much as I love Hana-”

Felix laughed, “God. I love you” 

“Don’t laugh at me” You frowned.

“I’m not laughing at you, babe” He smiled, “I just think you’re…making yourself upset for no reason. You love doing that”

You looked up at him, “Lix…”

His voice softened, against the harsh ocean waves, “Nothing is going to happen. Even if it does, you’re not gonna lose us. I’m always going to be here, you know that, right?”

You grabbed his hand, pulling him closer, “What about…when you get a girlfriend?”

Felix laughed, “I doubt that’s going to happen soon, but if I ever have to choose between my girlfriend and you…I’m picking you. It’s not even a question”

A smile made its way onto your face, “Thank you. I would do the same”

The edge of his lip turned up into a grin, “I know you would”

Staring at Felix now, you felt the calm return.

The ocean was beautiful again, the sky was vast, the stars endless, and you felt at ease.

Things would perhaps forever change tonight, your best friends were in love with each other, but maybe everything else would still be the same.

“It’s a good thing, right Lix?” You asked, squeezing his hands so that your nails dug into his soft palms.

He tilt his head, “What is?”

“Love. Them…being in love? It’s a good thing” Your words were low, because you didn’t even really know what you were asking.

“Of course it’s a good thing, but it’s not just about their love. It’s about ours too”

You were confused, “Ours?”

His eyes swirled with intensity, and he swallowed, “Ours, like all of us. You, me…Minho, and them”

“Right”

“What constellation were you telling me about earlier?”

“Cassiopeia?” You questioned.

“Hmm. That” He crawled over to you, “Which one is it?”

You pointed him in the right direction, just over the horizon, where it was visible, “The five stars, it kind of looks like a W”

“Right, and she was some hot Greek chick, right?”

You laughed, “Yeah. She was”

He wrapped an arm around you, pulling you close, “Well, she...died like billions of years ago, but she’s still here in the stars, isn’t she?”

“What are you trying to say?”

Felix turned to smile at you, “We’re just like her. The five of us. Five stars. That can’t be a coincidence, can it? We’re not going anywhere, okay?”

Your eyes widened at the sweet metaphor. Yongbok wasn’t one for romance, or anything of the sort, but you knew he meant his words.

He believed them.

And if he did, so would you.

“The five stars” You smiled, feeling your calm return, “Immortal”

He laughed, “Yeah. So don’t worry about us. You need to have more faith in us, Y/N. Things don’t just fall apart so easily, they won’t” 

“I know” You laughed, “I guess it’s kind of crazy. They found love so simply”

“You jealous?” He nudged you.

You rolled your eyes, “I wouldn’t even know what to do with love once I found it. All I need right now…is a job this summer, something to do, so I don’t sit at home and waste my youth”

He laughed, “Right, there’s the Y/N I know, only in love with the craft. I’m sure there’ll be a place in town you can work at this summer. Maybe a café , so you can get me free pastries every day”

“Oh. I almost forgot. Are you still hungry?”

“Starving” 

“I got you the sandwiches” You reached behind you for the Tupperware container you’d brought out of the beach house.

His eyebrows knitted together, as he stared at the box, “I thought you said the jelly was gone”

You lift the plastic lid, “It was but I crushed up some fruits, and I read online that if you add honey, it tastes just like jam…that’s why it kind of took me longer in there”

Felix doubled over, laughing loudly, “Oh my god. You did that for me at four fucking am?”

“It may not taste the best, but you better enjoy it” You mumbled, shoving the container into his arms.

“I know I will” He smiled, “And don’t worry about them, okay? No matter what happens, you always have me”

“Thank you, Lix. I know"

»»————-

summer now.

It had been years since you’d made each other that promise. 

Tonight, it felt futile, as you stared at the myriad of overwhelming text messages he had sent you. You had texted him back, telling him that you weren’t home, but he hadn’t replied since then.

“More beer?” 

You looked up, to see Yeonjun stood with another bottle in his hand, a cranberry extract he’d brought straight from his freezer. 

You hated beer, but you needed it tonight, so you grabbed it from him. It surprisingly didn’t taste horrible, so you savoured the fruity flavour in your mouth.

“What did you say to him?” He asked, sitting down next to you. 

“I told Felix I’m not home…” You spoke, “I asked him if we could talk tomorrow instead? I hope he understands”

“I mean, to Hyunjin” Yeonjun cleared his throat, “You were about to go over to his place, right?”

You glanced up at him, chest wrenching.

Sinking into the cushion, you stared at your phone, “I told him I can’t come either. He…didn’t question it. He probably was expecting me to cancel anyway”

Yeonjun needed you right now, and you couldn’t just abandon him— no matter how much you wanted Hyunjin, no matter how fucking horny you felt after that phone call. 

Your legs still felt weak, your heart was still pounding impossibly hard, and your underwear was soaked, but that wasn’t important right now. 

Your needs could be saved for another day.

He would understand. Hyunjin would still be here tomorrow, and the day after that, and you could meet him then.

“You really don’t need to stay with me” He spoke, “I feel like an asshole keeping you here”

“Yeonjun. You were crying, at three in the morning. I’m not leaving you alone”

He sighed, taking another sip of the cranberry beer, “Did you tell him why…? I don’t want Hyunjin to hate me”

“And why would Hyunjin ever hate you?” You turned to him, confused. Yeonjun hadn’t done anything wrong.

His eyes were still glossy, fresh tears dried on his face, and you hated the sight of it. He wasn’t an easy crier. In fact, in all your life that you’d known him…you could count the number of times you’d seen him so upset on one hand.

He licked his lips, swallowing, “Because I always keep coming between the two of you”

“Shut up” You scoffed, shoving his shoulder, “You know that’s not true”

He was still serious, despite the fact that you didn’t blame him at all, “Isn’t it? You were literally on your way to see him”

“I can see him tomorrow” You shrugged, trying to maintain a semblance of indifference and nonchalance, convincing yourself that it wasn’t that important. After all, it would be stupid to acknowledge how truly dependent you’d become on Hyunjin for your happiness. 

It wasn’t right, and even though seeing him right now felt urgent to your heart, to your body, you would still live another day and the world wouldn’t end if you didn’t meet him right this moment.

“I guess I don’t need to ask why you were on your way to him at three in the morning” He added, a teasing evident in his tone. You looked over to him, the emerging smile on his face and if teasing you was going to make him feel better, then you’d indulge him in it.

You laughed, embarrassed at how you’d been feeling like a fucking horny teenager, “You know Jun…any other day you would be very wrong, but tonight, I have to say it is exactly what you think”

“I thought you two weren’t going to be anything” Yeonjun hummed, stating the obvious fact that you were carefully trying to circumvent.

“We aren’t. It doesn’t have to mean anything” You tongued your cheek, still trying to wrap your head around what just happened. 

It started out as just a simple phone call. 

How did it escalate to that? 

“Right. I’m sure having sex with Hyunjin won’t mean anything to you at all” Yeonjun rolled his eyes, “Sounds just like you”

You looked over at him, “Just because you’re sad doesn’t mean you can call me out like that”

He laughed, leaning closer, “I’m just saying. He’ll probably be a million times better than the boys you’ve been with. Are you even prepared for that?”

You narrowed your eyes at him, heart jumping at his implication, “You’re supposed to be talking me out of this, not give me more reasons to want to jump him” 

Yeonjun laughed louder, “Man. You should enjoy this feeling, while it’s at its peak”

“What feeling?”

“That feeling, you know…” He trailed off, trying to find the right words, “When you’re falling for someone…and you’re fucking crazy about them, about every little thing they do? I remember, in the beginning, I used to have heart palpitations every time I saw Hana braid her goddamn hair, or something because she looked so adorable”

“What?” You let out a giggle, “I didn’t know you care about stuff like that”

Yeonjun smiled, “I was into everything that was about her, or even remotely related to her. I guess I was obsessed, but I don’t think anything in the universe can top that feeling”

You nodded, and you wondered if you’d ever stop feeling that way about Hyunjin. 

It had been months you’d known him, years since you’d first seen him, and your heart still went berserk at the mere thought, “Sometimes when I’m talking to him, it…feels like I have tunnel vision. I can’t see or comprehend anything except him”

“I know what you mean” He smiled.

You swallowed, remembering the reason for Yeonjun’s tears, “I’m sorry…about you and Hana”

“Yeah. I’m sorry too”

You reached over, to grab his hand, “And I’m sorry your heart is broken, and I wish I can take that pain away”

Yeonjun’s smile was sad, in return, “Me too…”

The couch cushions were frayed at the edges, because he hadn’t lived here in a while, and you fiddled with the corners to distract yourself from everything, from his broken heart, from your pining one.

“Did he say anything? Hyunjin?”

You peeked into your phone, to read the new texts, “He said, I got a call from Chan too. I hope Yeonjun feels better”

“Oh”

“Yup” Your fingers wrapped around the ice-cold beer again, and you took a swig, hoping the liquid would be enough to calm the fire in your heart. 

“It’s from the 7/11 behind Aera’s” Yeonjun explained, as if he’d read your mind, “You like it?”

“I do” You swallowed, refreshing your phone to see if Felix had said anything yet.

Yeonjun was silent, and he sat like that for a minute, staring into the dark corners of his living room, until he spoke, “Earlier today, I was thinking of the summer me and Hana got together”

“I was thinking about that summer too” You mumbled, “Can you believe it was almost…six years ago?”

“Six years?” He laughed, “That’s insane”

“It is. It feels like yesterday”

“I told her I loved her that summer for the first time… and six fucking years later, it’s not enough. You’d think the person you love for six years, you’d stay with them forever”

“I know...” You realised.

“What did he say…when you told him you can’t come? Felix?”

Perhaps, on another day, you would find it funny that Yeonjun had to keep clarifying which boy he was referring to, as if you had a carousel of boys in your life to keep you busy.

You sucked in a breath, “He didn’t say anything. I just...don’t understand what happened between us. One day we were fine, the next he hated my guts. I can’t even remember the last time I talked to him, my own best friend”

“The only thing between you and Felix…is Felix himself. It’s not your fault”

You laughed, realising the situation, “I’m sorry, this is so…typical of me. I’m supposed to be comforting you, not the other way around”

“That goes both ways” He hummed, and you looked over at him. 

He looked exhausted, sat with his legs curled, dressed in silly panda pajamas. It remind you of high school, when you used to study together; you would help him with literature so he could help you survive math. 

You used to sit right on this very couch, frustrated with the books, wishing everything in life was as easy as painting.

Even though as of late, you’d contemplated why everything seemed to be against you, you realised how blessed you were to know him.

He looked so different from the boy you’d grown up with, yet still somehow the same. 

Yeonjun was only twenty-two, but he’d just lost the love of his life, and you could see that in his gaze.

It resembled yours, the night you lost the apprenticeship.

Maybe that was an insensitive comparison. After all, a lover couldn’t ever compare to a temporary two-year art mentorship, could it?

Yet, your craft was the one thing in your life that you know you’d have, even after he left. That would still be the same.

Yeonjun had the hint of a smile on his face as he watched you finish the beer, and he was so handsome when he smiled, but…the crinkles in his eyes were strained, forced. 

He was only smiling so you wouldn’t worry about him. 

“Why do you we put ourselves through this?” You blurted, the effects of the beer settling in.

He tilt his head, “Through what? Feelings?”

You chuckled, staring at him and the spots that dotted his cheek, “Yeah. Feelings”

“At least we have each other” He laughed, “I’m really glad you exist, Y/N”

You wanted to stop moping, and to just appreciate what you had. 

You shifted closer to him, so that your bodies would touch, and you wouldn’t both be alone right now, “I’m glad you exist too, Jun”

He immediately wrapped his arm around you, pulling you into him.

It was always better to be alone together.

The television was right in front of you, and the shelves framing it were stocked with old VCRs, and tapes and movies.

“Remember when there were five of us on this couch…and there was absolutely no space for anyone, but we would watch Say Anything over and over again?” You laughed, thinking back to all the sleepovers. 

You’d spent so much of your childhood here, in this room as Yeonjun’s mum baked you treats. Tonight seemed to be a night of remembering, and of nostalgia, and your mind felt clearer than it had in hours. 

Maybe it was Yeonjun’s arm around you, maybe it was the memory of Hyunjin’s voice in your head, or maybe it was the fact that Felix had finally reached out to talk.

You wonder what he had to say, but regardless, that was a problem the you-from-tomorrow would worry about.

You-of-tonight would just let this night be, and not try to make of it more than it was.

“Do you wanna watch it?”

You glanced at him, “Just the two of us?”

He nodded, “Yeah”

It was well past three am, and starting a movie right now would mean that you both wouldn’t get any sleep, but that was okay, and some sleepless nights were worth it. 

You had work in the morning, but Yeonjun wasn’t here for long so you had to make the most of those moments. This might be exactly what he needed, to feel better. 

“All right” You agreed, “Let’s watch it”

He got off the couch, stretching his lanky panda-pajama legs out. He wandered over to his cabinet, filtering through the box of CDs. You hadn’t used those in forever, far too used to the Netflix you shared with Yongbok, but perhaps bringing everything back to as it was, is what would make everything better.

“What do you think he wanted to talk to me about?” You wondered out loud, tracing the rim of your new beer bottle.

Yeonjun was sat on his knees as he searched for the movie, “Honestly?”

“Yeah”

He stared off into space, hands paused in his work, “Felix…would do anything for you, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he was trying to apologise now”

You nodded, taking another sip of the cheap cranberry-extract beverage.

“I made a promise to him, when we were fifteen… that I wouldn’t let anything come in between us. Do you think he blames me for what’s happening to us?”

Yeonjun glanced at you, soft gaze, before turning back to the wooden box, “He could never blame you for anything, Y/N”

You sighed, “Yeah”

“Do you need help?” You realised, as Yeonjun frowned.

“Could you check the other box?” 

You nodded, joining him on the wool carpet, rummaging through the box his sister had labelled.

“I swear, Yuqi needs to have a better organisation system in place” He mumbled.

“I miss her” You laughed, “How is everything with her?”

“She’s actually visiting soon, especially when I told her I was back in Daejon for a while” He smiled, “She’s almost done with her studies”

“That’s crazy” You laughed, “Is she gonna work in Busan too or will she move back here?”

Yeonjun hummed, “You can ask her all of that when she comes. I really do not want to discuss my sister right now”

You laughed, flitting through the various discs.

“Found it!” You declared, bringing out the DVD and handing it to him, “Will it still work?”

“I have faith it will” He got up on his knees, inserting it into the player, “Does Felix know you’re at my place?”

You shook your head, “He would freak”

He seemed to be pondering over it, “You could…call him here”

You blanked, “What? You…two haven’t talked in months. I don’t think he’d come here, even if I called him”

“Say Anything was his favourite film. Tell him we’re watching that”

You laughed, because the idea was so ridiculous, “You think Felix would put aside all of his animosity towards you…because we’re watching his favourite movie?”

Yeonjun nodded, “It sounds exactly like him”

You chuckled, “Yeah… you’re right”

You sent him a text.

im watching say anything…

If you wanna come?

felix:

i thought you said you’re not home 

you:

im not

im with yeonjun 

we’re gonna watch it together

felix:

you’re at yeonjun’s house??

you:

yeah 

we can talk about whatever it is you wanted to discuss here

felix:

sorry yn

im gonna pass

you:

seriously?

im trying here lix

felix:

trying what exactly?

you:

i thought we agreed not to let anything get in between us

or do you not remember that summer?

felix:

out of the two of us, i don’t think im the one that doesn’t remember that summer

ill see you later yn

you:

sometimes youre being impossible and i don’t know what you want

felix:

maybe it’s better you don’t

“Any luck?” Yeonjun asked, and you glanced up at him, disappointed.

“Nope”

He let out a sigh, taking a seat back onto the couch, and you joined him. The disc player made a lot of noise as it started up, and you feared it may not work from years of no use, but the screen lit up. 

Perhaps the reason you liked this movie was because it was so simple.

It was about an impossible love, made possible, against all odds.

You settled into Yeonjun’s shoulder as it started.

It didn't feel the same without them. There were silly parts that Felix would always laugh at, jokes that weren’t even funny, and Hana would always be pointing out the inaccuracies in the movie, to Minho’s joy.

It wasn’t the same.

Everything had changed.

Would things be different today, if you’d thought with your head instead of your heart?

Or would everything still be the same?

“Do you believe in fate?”

He glanced at you, new bottle of beer balanced in his lap, that he’d took from the icebox near his feet, “Hmm?”

It felt sad, just the two of you, drinking away, at what should be the peak of your lives.

“You know…the notion that there’s a path our lives are supposed to be on, and that every choice or decision we make just takes us there”

“I don’t know, Y/N. Doesn’t that mean we have no free will? That everything is already chosen for us?”

“I guess” You shrugged, reaching for the bottle between his thighs. He let you, and you brought it up to take another sip. 

“What? Do you think it’s fate we broke up?” He laughed, “Me and her?”

You shrugged, “No, I guess I’m just thinking if I made the right choices this summer”

“What do you mean?” He turned to you, seemingly having lost interest in watching the movie anymore.

You picked at the fabric of the couch, “I loved how things used to be. Still, I was fighting it for the longest time because I so badly wanted everything to change too. I wanted to move out. I wanted Felix to support that. I wanted Hana to not be heartbroken anymore. I wanted us all to…stay in touch, no matter what, but now I wonder if wanting all of that is futile. I can’t have all of it. Isn’t that too greedy of me?”

“Y/N…” Yeonjun spoke, “It’s okay to hold on to the things we love, even if you want your life to change. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wishing that”

You bit your lip, “Because now I really wish Lix were here…I made a promise to him that I’d never let anything come in between us”

“You were fifteen. I made a lot of promises to Hana too, which obviously aren’t true anymore… but that doesn’t mean I was lying when I made them. People change, and priorities change. It’s not set in stone”

You nodded, “I guess promises when made, are just hope that even if everything in the world changes, you’ll still hold on to that person”

“Yeah”

“Tonight at the pool, before the dinner party, Hyunjin said that he would finally tell me what was going on, with Jisung, with the media, and why he’s been so stressed the last couple of week. I wanted to ask him so many tim-”

Yeonjun turned to you, “Did you just say Jisung?”

“Yeah. Why?” 

“Um. Nothing. I just…heard about him…on the news”

You sat up at those words, turning to face him, “What did you hear?”

He sighed, “You really want me to tell you? It might be better if Hyunjin does. I don’t know the whole extent of things”

A wave of worry washed over you. Was the situation really so bad that Yeonjun, a person who didn’t even keep up with such news, had already heard about it?

You settled back down, because there was no point stressing over it now, “I’ll talk to him tomorrow, first thing. I hope Jisung is okay”

“How is his band anyway?”

“You haven’t heard their music yet?”

He shrugged, “On the radio, a couple of times” 

“What? They play his band on the radio?” 

Yeonjun glanced at you, smiling, “Yeah. Sometimes when I’m browsing the television, their videos also come up. Their sound is really fucking cool”

“That’s crazy” You realised, “I think I’d lose it if I heard Hyunjin’s voice on the radio. I’d...probably think it was fate or something”

“I have no doubt that you would” He laughed.

“I haven’t heard all their albums” You admitted, “Does that make a bad friend?”

“Depends” He shrugged, “Why haven’t you heard it?”

You fiddled with the blanket in your lap, “If I hear all their music, and his voice when he sings…I might fall even crazier in love, and that’s just…avoidable”

Yeonjun smiled, eyes crinkling, “Why…why don’t you tell him, Y/N?”

“Tell him what? That I haven’t heard all of his music? He’d hate me-”

“That you’re in love with him” 

“Why would I do that?”

“Because if he knows you love him, it might change everything”

You swallowed, “It won’t change the fact that he is who he is, and that his life is the way it is”

“No, but listen to me, Y/N. Love is a…it’s a huge fucking thing. It might change everything, if he knows what you feel for him, the true magnitude of it. He might reconsider his never-dating-anybody theory”

You stared at Yeonjun as he spoke, unable to even imagine or comprehend how Hyunjin could react to such knowledge.

To be told that someone was in love with you.

How would you react to something like that?

You’d never been in that position before, not romantically anyway, and maybe Yeonjun was right. It would change things. How could it not?

“I’ll…think about it”

“Sometimes, the things that can make the most difference in our lives, is the stuff that we don’t say”

“God. You’re like…a complete self-help book speaking at this point, you know that?”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes, poking you, “If someone told you they loved you, wouldn’t that change everything?”

“It’s hard to imagine. Maybe you’re right”

“When is he going back to the city?” Yeonjun asked, the one topic you’d been avoiding forever. 

Your heart stung at the reminder.

He was going to leave, eventually.

“Not till the end of summer, which is still a month away, so...I have time”

But he would leave.

“He’s going back in a month? Fuck, that’s...not much”

“Yeah” You nodded, “I’m trying not to think about that. It’s...too soon, it’s going to go away in the blink of an eye. I don’t really wanna think about how I'll feel the day he leaves”

“I understand”

“I’ve gotten so used to him, and being around him, it feels...natural, and after tonight- we’re only getting closer”

Yeonjun smiled, “Maybe one more month with you, and Hyunjin may just change his mind”

You rolled your eyes, “It’s impossible”

He sighed, wrapping his arm around you again, “Guess what? Last week, at work, one of the HR interns…she asked me out on a date”

“What?” You laughed, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“There was nothing to tell. She’s cute, well I don’t even know her, but I think I’m gonna take her out next week”

“You are?” You giggled, shifting closer.

He smiled, waving his hands about, “It’s time for me to finally branch out. To move on”

“I can’t believe all of this started from Hana wanting to move on, the beginning of this summer” You remembered.

Yeonjun glanced at you, “So then technically, you have me to thank for bringing Hyunjin into your life”

You laughed loudly, “God, yeah, I guess that is it. You’re responsible”

He grinned, pulling at your cheek, “I guess fate does exist”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. If me and Hana had to be over so that you could find the love of your life, I’d say it was pretty fucking worth it”

You rolled your eyes, “And why can’t the both of us…be happy? Is fate so cruel to deny you your one true love?”

Yeonjun turned to smile at you, a glint in his eye, “Well. Maybe… the cute intern from HR is the love of my life”

»»————-

The loudness of The Grove did nothing to ease your headache. It was just a little past six am, but the diner was in full swing, and customers filtered in and out of the joint, grabbing their usual breakfast waffles and chocolate milkshakes.

“Give me just two more minutes, Y/N!” Seonmi yelled, over the counter, as she sped through making the quickest caramel macchiato you’d ever seen.

“Of course” You responded, balancing your bag on the counter as she cycled through the customers. You’d hardly slept last night, not even having the energy to finish the film, and you and Yeonjun had fallen asleep on the living room couch as the credits rolled.

You had been woken up by your very loud alarm, and you’d apologised to him for it, somehow forgetting that today was a work day, and that you’d have to leave at dawn.

Glancing around the diner, you noticed some familiar faces from the Lakehouse party, people you remember seeing through your blur of tears. San and Seonghwa knew a lot of people, but you hadn’t expected to see them around town so soon.

One of the boys made eye contact with you, and you looked away, hoping none of them remembered the harsh fight you’d had with Hana.

They probably heard everything.

Not that you cared what they thought of you, you just wish you could go back to that night and erase the argument, for your own sake. 

“Okay, I can take your order now!” Seonmi squealed, stepping up to you, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

You tugged the earphones out of your ears, smiling at her, “Can you take a breather for me?”

Her eyes widened, in perplexed cuteness, “What do you mean?”

“You seem so stressed and the day hasn’t even started yet” You grabbed her hand over the counter, squeezing it, “Don’t forget to breathe”

Her lips tugged up, “Thank you, Y/N. You know how it gets sometimes, there’s a rush this morning and I don’t even know why”

“Well, I don’t know how it gets since I don’t work in the most popular diner in town” You teased her, as she smiled, “Something tells me a lot of people come here for the cute waitress”

She let out a giggle, “Thank you. What can I get you, though?”

“The regular would do” You told her, playing with the little tabletop jukebox, “Whipped cream too, please”

“Of course” She smiled, getting back into the meld of things, and you took a temporary seat at the barstool, as she made your drink.

“Those people…do you know them?” You asked her, glancing over at the group.

She looked up momentarily, “The ones from San’s party?”

“Mmh” 

“They’re older than me, so I don’t really hang with them much. I think most of them are only here for the summer”

“Really?”

Seonmi nodded, as she piped whipped cream onto your hot latte, “Jiho’s from Seoul, and Alexander, he’s visiting from up in Incheon”

It seemed like everyone your age who was born here, had since moved out of Daejon, in pursuit of happiness, and better things.

“Ah, I see” You bit your lip, even though you didn’t know who Jiho was or who Alexander was.

“Why do you ask?”

“They were looking at me earlier, and I think I saw them playing beer pong at the Lakehouse. Just wondering” You shrugged, as Seonmi reached over, handing you your cup.

“Ah, probably because of Hyunjin” She giggled.

“What do you mean?” You tilt your head, a soft smile fighting you just because hearing his name made your heart pound like crazy, even at six am on a work day.

“You know…” She glanced up at you, while wiping the counter clean, “You and him are always together…people are talking”

You sat up straight, “About… us?”

She nodded, “Don’t worry about it though, the people of Daejon always need something to talk about. They’ll move on soon”

Even though you hated town gossip and rumours, the idea that people associated you and Hyunjin with each other made your heart warm. You’d never thought something that bizarre could happen, but hearing his name with yours made it all the more real.

You smiled, flushing at just the thought of him, “Um…did he come by earlier this morning?”

Seonmi had moved on to her next order, hurriedly adding caramel to a drink, “Hyunjin? Nope”

You frowned, “He usually comes by though, right?”

She nodded, “Without fail, every morning…he’s here. Kind of gives me something to look forward to, if I’m being honest”

“Yeah?”

Seonmi paused in her work look at you, “Yeah. He’s always so…kind. It’s like within the flurry of customers, he’s the only patient one. Plus, he’s a sight for sore eyes on morning shifts”

You chuckled, “I didn’t know he’s here that often”

“Oh, he is. I guess Hyunjin can’t live without his coffee either” She shrugged, and then suddenly lit up as if remembering something, “Oh! The other day, you should’ve seen him, Y/N, he was so cute. He spent the entire day here, just reading this book he’s carrying around, and wow…everybody was asking about him, about the quiet, pretty boy in the corner”

Just hearing Seonmi describe him made your heart flutter, because you could picture it so perfectly in your head, even though a part of you was also envious that she got to see him like that, instead of you.

“When was that?”

“A couple of days ago” She scribbled an order for another customer, “I wanted to ask him what book he was reading, but I was really nervous”

You laughed, “Why were you nervous?”

“He’s…intimidating, and I didn’t wanna bother him. But you two are close, maybe you can ask him for me”

Close couldn’t even begin to describe it, but how else would you explain what you two had?

“Yeah, we’re…close”

“Kinda weird he isn’t here today” She added, “But you can always bring him coffee… Maybe he’s busy, or slept in late”

You hadn’t even thought of that, “I could?”

She laughed, “I mean you two are practically dating, aren’t you?”

The warmth faded, and you shook your head, “No of course not, we’re …friends”

Of all the things going on in his life, he couldn’t afford to get into a dating scandal right now, especially because of you.

“Right” She rolled her eyes, “You should still bring your hot friend a coffee”

“You think so?” The idea of bringing it to him made you giddy, because you could imagine his smile, and it would be such a great start to your day - making him happy.

“Of course. He gets the same order as yours anyway, I’ll just add another to your tab”

“Okay” You agreed, and pulled out your phone.

You hadn’t talked to him since last night.

Since…that phone call.

The memory made you red and hot all over, and you opened up his texts. You weren’t sure how to even start, but perhaps you wouldn’t overthink it.

It was obvious to him how you felt, especially after that conversation, and you would just be yourself now.

There was only a month. There was no time to shy away from what you truly wanted.

No more holding back, or second-guessing.

you:

good morning hyun

are you home ?

His reply was instant, meaning he was awake and okay, and you leaned on the counter, waiting for him to type out his answer.

hyun:

morning yn :)

yes i am 

where else would i be at six am ?

you:

idk haha

im at the diner

are you coming here ?

i was thinking i could, like meet you before work

hyun:

oh

im sorry 

i don’t think i can

you:

is everything all right?

hyun:

i think i might be sick :/

you:

what??

what’s wrong?

hyun:

haha its nothing…

just my head hurts like a bitch

ive been up all night

You frowned, heart clenching at the thought of him being in pain.

“Here’s your coffee, love” Seonmi interrupted, placing a to-go cup in front of you, “Well…Hyunjin’s coffee”

“Actually…could I get some peppermint tea instead?” You asked, and she stared at you like you were crazy.

“You’re asking for tea?”

“Hyun is feeling sick” You told her, and just the words felt bitter in your mouth. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know, he didn’t say much, just that his head hurts” You frowned.

“Oh” She pouted, “Of course. I’ll get you some right now, but it might get cold by the time you get it to him. Maybe the caffeine will help more?”

“You’re right” You stared at the coffee.

“Hey” She laughed, reaching forward to grab your hand, “Now you’re the one who looks stressed”

“I am… just worried about him”

“He’ll be fine. It’s only a headache” She hummed, returning to her chores, then teased, “Just friends, you say”

It was your turn to roll your eyes, “Friends can be worried, too”

“I know” She laughed, “It’s funny cause Eunbi keeps saying the same thing to me about her boy. Just friends”

“Who’s Eunbi dating?” You questioned, hoping some town gossip would distract you from Hyunjin being unwell.

Seonmi glanced up at you, lowering her voice so the other patrons wouldn’t hear, “Oh, they’re not dating. Just fucking”

“I didn’t know Eunbi is into that kind of situation” You noted, grabbing Hyunjin’s coffee in your hands.

“Yeah! I honestly didn’t think Felix would be either but like…they’re both hot, so I completely get it”

“What?” You looked up, stopping in your movement.

She flippantly glanced at you, “Yeah…her and Felix”

“Wait…what?”

She chuckled, “They’re fucking…I just told you. You didn’t know?”

“No…” You trailed off. 

Is that what Felix wanted to talk to you about?

She stared at you, realisation dawning on her face, “Oh. I thought everybody knew”

“I didn’t” You stated, perhaps too harshly.

“Fuck. You’re…not in love with him or anything, right?”

“What?”

She shrugged, “I mean…you two have been…you know…best friends since-”

You frowned, grabbing your bag off the counter, “No. I’m just taken aback…”

“You sure?” Seonmi frowned, eyebrows knitting together.

You stared at her, “Yeah. I’m sure”

“Well, I’m sure he was gonna tell you soon. Maybe he just forgot”

“Yeah. We’re not really talking right now” You mumbled.

She nodded, “Ah. Eunbi mentioned that. Your fights”

“She knows about that…?”

She shrugged, knowingly, “Yongbok told her”

You squeezed the coffee cup in your hands, a bitter taste in your mouth but you didn’t have time to dwell on this right now, Hyunjin needed you, “I…um, I better get this coffee to him before it gets cold”

»»————-

It had only been a few minutes since you knocked at his front door, the floral wreath hung on the front shaking every time you did so, but nobody had come to the door yet.

You should be patient and wait a bit more.

But your mind assumed the worst, like what if Hyunjin passed out…or fell so sick he couldn’t get out of bed? 

You had half a mind to bring out your phone to ask him where he was because he said he’d be home, but your hands were unfortunately occupied by the coffee. 

The revelation from the diner was still bothering you, but now, you had more important things to worry about.

“Hyun?” You called out loud, in the hope that maybe if he didn’t hear the knocking, he’d hear your voice.

In response though, you heard a bark, making you jump out of your skin.

Kkami.

He was nearby, and you stepped off Hyunjin’s porch, following the sound of his puppy’s excited mewling and barks.

“Kkami?” You asked, tentatively, peeking around the side of his house. 

You don’t know how you hadn’t noticed this before. 

A little metal gate, rusted, led to a back garden.

The path was surrounded on either side by overgrown vines and flowers. 

You hadn’t ever come here before. 

Well, technically you’d only been to Hyun’s house once and hadn’t seen anything except his bedroom. The memory made you warm, and you relived it in your head as you pushed open the rusted garden gate. 

The path ran along the side of Hyunjin’s house, and stepping over the pebbles, you passed the windows of his kitchen and living room.

You were trespassing, technically, but he would understand, right?

“Kkami…?” You called out again, emerging into the back garden, when the little ball of fluff ran head-on towards you, jumping at your body with enough force, catching you off guard. 

The surprise knocked you and the coffee to the ground, and the cup overturned, spilling all over your top.

“Ow” You mumbled, hitting the grass, as Kkami began licking your hand, and the coffee soaked all the way through your shirt. 

It was already cold by now, so it didn’t burn. Still, frustration coursed through you because you’d carefully sought this coffee for him, and now you wouldn’t even be able to give it to him.

“Oh my god” Hyunjin’s voice interrupted your short-lived misery, and you looked up, an impossible frown on your face. 

A frown that melted immediately, with the sight that you were greeted.

Hyunjin.

He sat cross-legged on the grass, across the garden, a soft white sweatshirt enveloping him.

A paper-thin novel was held between his hands, glasses pushed up to his hair, and you had half a mind to question just why Hyunjin was up at six am on a weekend, and reading a goddamn poetry book, but that wasn’t the craziest thing about him today.

His hair.

Wispy bangs fell into his eyes, the color of fucking chocolate.

What the fuck?

Your annoyance at Kkami was forgotten, and so was any semblance of a thought you had in your head. Talk about a fucking cliche.

“Y/N…” He immediately stood up, placing his book to the side, face-down on the grass, and you worried that the pages would get wet, but Hyunjin didn’t seem to care about that right now. 

He rushed to you, bending down to your height, “I’m sorry, Kkami. He…”

Carefully, he pried the puppy away from you, telling him to go sit in a hushed whisper, before he turned back to face you.

You felt silly, sat on the grass on your butt, with just your palms supporting you, coffee soaking through your work clothes, staring at him.

Had his eyes always been that pretty?

The light-brown hair brought out the hazel in his eyes, which seemed even brighter now, and every romance book you’d heard Hana talk about suddenly made all the sense in the world, as you felt yourself get sucked into the depth of his gaze.

“You okay?” He tilt his head, the movement making his bangs shift, and you noticed that the side strands were longer, framing his face perfectly.

His brows were darker now too, to match the hair, and just when you thought you couldn’t go absolutely insane about him anymore, he’d prove you wrong by doing something like this.

His lips, puffier than usual, curled up into a smile when he noticed you staring so blatantly.

“Yeah” You cleared your throat, “You…you said you were sick”

So he just forgot to tell you this morning that he’d completely changed his hair?

“I am” He chuckled, then his gaze fell to your top, “You’ve got coffee on you”

“Oh” You glanced down at it, and you didn’t feel anything, or maybe you were too enamored by the boy to feel any pain. 

He must be a fucking siren, or a creature of some sort to have this sort of effect on you, even after all this while. Everything you’d been worrying about seemed like a distant memory, a problem you didn’t have to deal with, and all he’d done was say five words to you.

“Are you hurt? I’m sorry about your coffee…Kkami is misbehaving a lot-”

“It’s actually your coffee” You stated, looking back up at him, finally finding your bearing on coherent words and sentences, “Well…was your coffee”

“Mine?” He smiled, “You brought that for me?”

You nodded and added, stupidly, “I…was at your front door, but you weren’t there, so I…came in through the metal gate”

“Yeah. I was here” He explained, even though it was obvious, “Are you sure you’re not hurt?”

You nodded, reassuring him, “I’m okay, but…if you’re sick, why are you out here?

“I needed some fresh air. My head…” He grimaced as another bout of pain hit him.

Without thinking, you reached forward, caressing his face, and Hyunjin was taken aback, just slightly.

Your voice was low, soft, “It hurts?”

His eyes fixed onto yours, as your fingers trailed down his jaw, “Yeah”

“I’m sorry” You spoke, “Where does it hurt?”

He grabbed your hand within his, long fingers wrapping around your wrist, and guided it to just above his eyes, brushing past his bangs, “Right here, but…don’t worry about me”

“Let me take care of you” You blurted, touching him delicately.

His eyes closed, and he smiled, relishing in the feeling, “I need to get you out of these clothes first”

“What?” 

His eyes shot open, realisation sinking in, “I mean…the coffee. You have to change”

“Oh, okay”

“Come on” He gestured, helping you stand up, with your unsteady feet. The cup of coffee lay upturned on the grass, along with your bag. Hyunjin held your hand in his own, and bent down to pick up your bag with his other. He slung it over his shoulder, tugging the strap tightly.

You looked around the back garden, and it was so beautiful that you had to do a double take just to take everything in.

“It’s amazing” You breathed, watching Kkami play in the grass, tossing and turning around. Your gaze fell to the book that lay open on the grass, and Seonmi’s words came to mind, “What were you reading?”

“I can tell you that later, when you’re warm and dry” He chuckled, then touched your lower back to guide you into the house, “Come”

You nodded, his touch sending a tingle down your spine, but let him lead you into his house. 

It was crazy, that just yesterday you were so bold, talking about the things you wanted him to do to you, and now…now you were going into overdrive just at his hand on your back.

You craned to look at him, “Are you in a lot of pain?”

He shook his head, “I’ll be fine”

There was another entrance at the back of the house, sliding doors opening up to reveal his living area, warm wooden floors and cosy seating. Kkami ran in just after the two of you, jumping around the futon.

“Do you want to wear something of mine?” Hyunjin asked, leading you to his bedroom. You’d been so lost in him that you’d forgotten what you were doing here. 

You had initially been on your way to work.

“I have…a hoodie in my bag. An extra one” You told him, “I brought it in case it gets cold”

He stopped at the threshold of his doorway, looking at you, “Well, that’s perfect then”

“Yeah” You nodded, “Can I change in your bathroom?”

“Of course” He smiled, and you stepped inside.

Being back here after all this time, was strange. 

His bed was exactly the same kind of messy, but covers and duvets now switched out for a sky-blue color, and his pillows were lined up against the wall. 

It made you want to lie down, since you were severely lacking sleep, but you had work, and this bed wouldn’t probably be big enough for the two of you.

The thought was ridiculous anyway, but it left you wondering.

Last night, you were on your way here in your lustful daze, and if Yeonjun hadn’t been heartbroken, you would have come here. 

The canvases leaning against the far wall were new; you could tell he’d been working on so much art in your absence. Paint canisters were haphazardly placed across the floor, and you carefully walked amongst them, hoping to not knock over any.

Pushing open the door to his bathroom, you placed your bag on the counter, searching through for your hoodie.

Hyunjin leaned on the doorway, watching you, peacefully. He must be in more pain than he let on, because he was hardly saying anything.

You glanced at him, eyebrow raised, “Are you… going to stay here while I change?”

He laughed, “No, I…I’m just…Never mind”

He turned around, giving you the privacy you needed. 

You peeled off your tank top, scrunching it up over the sink to squeeze the liquid out, and you both didn’t address the fact that you hadn’t closed the door, instead letting Hyunjin stand facing the other way.

If he turned, he would see you in just your bra, but you honestly didn’t even mind, or care.

Glancing at yourself in the mirror, you wiped the sticky coffee from your forearms.

“I’m sorry about Kkami” He spoke again, and you glanced at his back. It was cute, how he stood facing the other way, arms crossed, like a kid on a timeout. His hair grazed just past his shoulders, the chocolate brown contrasting perfectly with his sweatshirt.

“It’s all right” You smiled, running the shirt under water.

“Are you dressed?” He asked.

“Not yet” You told him, pushing your arms through your spare sweatshirt, “I’m… really upset”

“Why?” He asked, surprise in his tone.

“The hot drink…it was supposed to make you feel better” You frowned. “Now I don’t have anything to give you”

“That’s okay” He laughed, “I already feel better”

“Your head doesn’t hurt anymore?” You asked, looking over at him.

“No, it does hurt but some sleep will make me feel better” He laughed, “Are you dressed now?”

You glanced at him, a soft smile overtaking you, “No”

Hyunjin nodded, a small ‘Okay’ leaving his lips.

You laughed, pushing your sweatshirt down to cover up, “Why are you so impatient? But yeah, I am dressed now”

He immediately turned around at those words, and pulled you in for a hug, like he’d been counting down the seconds till you could be in his arms. You stumbled into his embrace, surprised at his urgency.

“Thank you for coming to see me, Y/N” He mumbled, face buried in your hair, and you brought your hands up, wrapping your arms around his waist.

“You don’t have to thank me” You smiled, dying but living for the warmth of his body.

He squeezed you in his embrace, “I do”

It was a simple hug. It felt so innocent, so tame, so mild compared to last night, yet the carnal desire you felt for him was just the same, if not more now.

How could Hyunjin be more desirable when he wasn’t even trying to be?

All he was doing was hugging you in his little bathroom, surrounded by potted plants, and fragrances, and candles, and they were all so him.

Pulling away, you looked up, noticing the puffiness of his eyes, “You look so tired”

“I had a stressful night…after you told me you couldn’t come” He explained, “I ended up calling Chan, and we talked up until five”

“Five am? So…you haven’t slept at all?” 

He nodded, a forced smile as he shrugged, “Guilty”

“Hyun…” You frowned, “You need to get some sleep, now”

He sighed, “Now? I’ll end up sleeping through the day if I do, and I…don’t want to waste any time”

“Waste?” You questioned, “It’s not waste. You’re…just sleeping”

“Yeah” He swallowed, “But…”

“But?” 

“But you won’t be here” He finished, “And I would much rather…spend time with you. I know you have work today, I was thinking I could come in to the shop. I promise I won’t distract you, I could sit and read. You won’t even know I’m there. Or I could paint”

You couldn’t help but smile, heart swelling at his eagerness, “If you’re there…I won’t be focusing on my work, Hyun”

He shook his head, as if he’d already prepared the answer, “Then I can sit in the back room. You won’t know I’m there”

You giggled, “Then what’s the point?”

He tilt his head, “The point is… that I’ll be close to you”

Your smile grew, and you tightened your grip on his waist, “You…changed your hair”

His eyes widened, “Yeah. I did. Took you long enough to notice”

“I noticed it the second I saw you. I just-”

“You didn’t say anything” He interrupted.

Your gaze followed the light-brown tendrils as they grazed his jaw, “I don’t even know what to say” 

“You hate it?” His smile fell.

You shook your head instantly, “No. It’s…It… reminds me of chocolate”

His lip tilted up, “Good enough to eat?”

You laughed, letting go of his waist, “I take the flirting as a sign that you’re feeling better”

“Mmh”

“You still need to get in bed”

“Are you gonna show me how much you like it in bed?” He asked, and you laughed.

“Shut up” You pushed him, lightly, “It’s unlike you to ask for validation”

“It’s unlike you to be so flippant to me” He pouted, walking back into his room. 

It was hot inside so he pulled off his sweatshirt, revealing the tight black t-shirt he wore inside. The neckline dipped low enough to reveal his collarbones, and it was different from the more oversized shirts he usually wore. He stretched his arms, a small yawn escaping.

“I…have to get to work” You realised, “I’m gonna make you some coffee first though, is that okay?”

He glanced at you, in surprise, “You don’t have to”

“Caffeine will help with the pain”

He shook his head, “I promise I’ll take a nap after you leave”

“Okay” You nodded, grabbing your bag, “I’ll…get going then”

You passed him to leave, but he reached out, tugging at your tote bag to stop you.

You looked at him, “What, Hyun?”

“Aera’s doesn’t open until another forty two minutes, and it’ll only take you eight to get there” He hummed matter-of-factly, with the convincing powers and puppy-eyed gaze of a kid who wanted to go to Disney.

“What’s gotten into you?” You laughed, but let him take your bag, indulging him in his little request. He was right, after all. 

You had to make the most of your time with him, even if it were stolen little moments like this.

You leaned against the bedroom door, eyeing him up, as he put your bag to the side, and he clearly didn’t plan on letting you leave anytime soon.

He bent down to gather the stray paintbrushes on the floor, “I just felt like spending some time with you. Is that so wrong?”

You smiled, looking around the room, “Why is all your shit everywhere?”

He glanced up at you, “I paint when I’m stressed”

“Oh” You recalled, “You were painting last night when you called me”

“I was” He hummed, “When do you get off work?”

“Couple of hours”

“You don’t work Saturdays, usually”

“You have my schedule memorised?” You raised your eyebrow, wanting to tease.

“It’s not that hard” He rolled his eyes, “You work alternate days”

“Right”

He kneeled onto the floor, pulling out a wooden basket from underneath his bed, placing paint tubes inside it. 

You weren’t sure what to do as he started packing his art supplies. 

He wasn’t even saying much, as you stood leaning against the door, observing him, recognising the tune he hummed to himself.

He bent over, and whenever he did his shirt would fall forward, allowing you a glimpse of his chest.

Every time you met, you pushed another boundary, crossed another threshold, and after he talked about fucking you last night, you obviously weren’t just friends anymore.

The energy felt...so different, but it was never uncomfortable.

3 a.m. Hyunjin was a stark contrast from 7 a.m. Hyunjin, and...you loved both.

It felt so strangely calm, so domestic, so heartwarming.

It was seven am on a regular Saturday morning, and you were in Hyunjin’s bedroom, as he cleaned up.

A pink tube then slipped from his hands, rolling under the bed, and he cursed, “Shit”

“Let me” You offered, kneeling to join him on the floor.  You stretched to reach for the watercolour tube, and underneath his bed were discarded hairbands, pencils, and a bag of treats for Kkami. Cute.

After retrieving it, Hyunjin smiled at you, whispering a ‘Thank you’ as he placed it inside the original packing.

“One day you should really let me organise your art supplies”

He tilt his head, “Can that day be today?”

You laughed, “I told you. I have to go to work”

He shrugged, “Skip it”

“Oh, will you start paying my bills when I eventually get fired from Aera’s for slacking?”

“Yeah I will” He said, without hesitation.

Your eyebrows shot up, “Shut up, Hyun”

“Shut up?” He gasped, “Can’t believe you’re being so mean to a sick boy”

“Oh” You realised, reaching forward to cup his cheek, “It still hurts a lot?”

He smiled, leaning into your touch, “Less when you’re here”

You dropped your hand, heart clenching, “I wish I could stay then”

“But you don’t work Saturdays, so why today?”

“Mina wanted me to help with the stock…we have some new supplies coming in, and just needed to get my mind off something 

“Something like what?”

“You don’t have to worry about it, Hyun”

“Maybe I could get your mind off it”

You crossed your arms, “What if you’re the thing I need to get my mind off?”

He frowned, “Did I do something wrong?”

You laughed, “No, don’t worry about that”

He closed the wooden lid, gripping the box, “Last night…You said Yeonjun wasn’t feeling all right. Is he okay now?”

“It’ll take time. He’s just having a hard time, with Hana”

“Oh”

You shrugged, “Love sucks, I guess”

He laughed, “You got that right”

You sat back on your ankles, looking around the room, “What was the book you were reading?”

“Oh. I left it out in the garden. Could you get it for me?

"Yeah, once you tell me what it’s about”

Hyunjin smiled, pushing the box back under his bed, “It’s about fate”

You slid open the doors to the back garden, cold morning air rushing in. Plants of all kinds grew alongside the wooden fence. You wonder if it was him, or his aunt who had planted them. 

Picking up the book, you saw the page it was open to had been creased. 

Hyunjin had marked some pages, left little notes, annotating it, and he must have read through it countless times, so you asked him about it when you came back, “So why are you reading a book about fate this early in the day?”

Hyunjin was still sat on the floor, except his head was buried in his hands, “Fuck. I really shouldn’t have stayed up”

You immediately abandoned the book, stepping up to him, “Hyun. What’s wrong?” 

He mumbled, ‘I’m okay’, running a hand through his hair, but he clearly wasn’t okay.

“Come on, let me get you into bed” You gripped his arms so you could pull him up, but he stayed where he was.

“I’m fine” He answered, through gritted teeth.

You tilt his chin up, so he’d look at you. His eyes were tired, puffy and red, and he looked terribly sleep-deprived.

“Why do you not want to sleep?”

His voice turned soft, “Because then you’ll leave”

“Hyun…” Your heart melted, “I’ll be back in a few hours, you’ll barely notice that I was gone”

He pouted, “I'll notice”

You smiled, tilting his chin up to look at you, “Why are you trying to be cute?”

“Trying?” He acted offended.

“Fine” You rolled your eyes, “Why are you being cute? You know I don’t actually want to go, but...unfortunately we live in a capitalist society and I need to pay the bills”

“I fucking hate capitalism”

You laughed, “Come on. What’s wrong?”

“I just...like being around you” He shrugged, “And now that...you won’t be moving for the program in the city, I don't know when I’m gonna see you again. I was really looking forward to meeting you in Seoul”

“I know, me too, but you'll see me every day for the rest of this month. Isn’t that enough?”

It was ironic that you were saying that, because it obviously wasn’t enough even to you.

Something flashed through his eyes, an emotion you couldn’t recognise and he mumbled, “I guess”

“Hyun, we have time to deal with that later, but can I bring you some Aspirin now?”

“I’m just so fucking tired of this shit” He mumbled.

“What shit?”

He glanced at you, “If I tell you…you’ll be stressed too”

Your eyebrows knit together, confused at what he was talking about now, “Please tell me, Hyun”

He sighed, running another hand through his hair, “Okay. It’s just…it might upset you, and you’re going to be thinking about it all day at work. I know it”

“I don’t care, I want to understand why you’re feeling this way”

His eyes were heavy with emotion, “Are you sure, Y/N?”

It scared you, what he wasn’t telling you, but you had to know.

“You’ve been upset about this, for weeks, Hyunjin. I…maybe I can help, or make you feel better somehow”

He shook his head, a chuckle escaping, “You can’t make me feel better about this”

Ouch.

“Oh. Okay”

He looked up at you, “Shit. That’s not how I meant it. I mean…nobody can do anything, it’s a fucked up situation”

“I’ll try my best to understand it then”

He sighed, leaning back, fiddling with the string on his sweatpants, “It’s…about Jisung. I had to leave Yeonjun’s place early yesterday, because…there’s been some stuff going on with Jisung, and it’s just so frustrating”

“What’s going on?” You asked, hoping you didn’t overstep with your questions.

He looked up at you, “Under my company, we have this…sort of contract, a contract that’s responsible for our health. Mentally and physically. They ensure we’re okay, because it can get stressful and tiring, for our bodies…do you get it?”

“Yeah. That’s a good thing, right?”

He nodded, “It’s supposed to be, yes. It is a good thing. If it weren’t for that, I probably wouldn’t be eating well, or getting enough sleep”

“What do you mean?”

He swallowed, “I mean…sometimes the company wants us to be in a certain…shape for an album, or a photoshoot. The pressure of that can be a lot, but this…this contract, it basically makes sure that they don’t push us too hard”

“Right”

He added, “It’s because of that contract that I was able to come back home, because they recognised that I needed some space. Most people in my line of work…they don’t get that freedom or liberty”

“The freedom…to go home?”

Hyunjin laughed, sore, “Yeah. I know how it sounds. It’s really rare for someone to go on a voluntary hiatus…like I did. They never allow it”

“Oh”

“And part of that contract is…we have these weekly appointments with a ….therapist, I guess you could say? I’m not sure what her specialisation really is, but she…talks to us and checks in with us every few weeks, to make sure we’re doing okay, and if we’re stressed about anything.

She works with the company, so it’s nice to have someone to depend on, and someone to just…rant to at the end of a really horrible month, you know?”

Even though he was telling you something nice, you could tell what he was leading up to wouldn’t be because his shoulders were tense and his voice was harsh. 

He was stressed even just talking about it, and you suddenly regret asking him to explain it to you.

You nodded, wanting to comfort him, hands itching to touch him somehow, but you kept your distance, “That’s…really nice, Hyun”

He nodded, “It is. Well…Jisung has been going to her much more often, ever since an article came out about him last month. The one you read. He was getting a lot of…negative public attention for the fight he was a part of, so he’s been seeing Mrs. Yoona far more often than the rest of us”

You nodded, unsure of what this was getting at.

“Mrs. Yoona…that’s the name of the woman we see. We talk to her every month” He clarified, and you were grateful he took his time to make sure you understood everything.

“Okay”

“Yeah…and…last week” Hyunjin sucked in a sharp breath, “I don’t know how it fucking happened, but someone got access to her files…which are supposed to be confidential”

Your breath caught in your throat, “What?”

“They…released everything about Jisung, everything he’s ever said in his… sessions, all of the things he’s anxious about, the things he hates about the job, stuff about his family, about his ex-girlfriend”

Your heart plummeted, a terrible feeling clawing at you, “They released it…publicly?” 

Hyunjin nodded, voice getting angrier, “I don’t know who the fuck it was. Probably someone from inside the company, but it doesn’t matter now, the files are out now, for every person in the fucking world to see, and it’s so unfair, because that shit’s supposed to be private. It’s his life, and…it’s not fair everyone gets to see it, and somehow use it against him”

His voice broke, and you immediately reached out to him, hand grabbing his, so he would know you were here, “I…I’m so sorry Hyun, that’s horrible” 

He nodded, looking up at you, “Yeah. It is”

“I’m sorry” You repeated, unsure what else you could say, but you felt sick. It was the worst kind of invasion of privacy, and you felt so angry.

Why the fuck would someone do that?

You couldn’t even imagine how Hyunjin felt.

“Yeah. Me too” He spoke, “I’m just on edge because of this”

“Do they…have your files too?” You asked, hoping you didn’t sound insensitive for asking about him, when something horrible had already happened with Jisung.

Hyunjin glanced at you, eyes widening, and he pulled you closer, “Y/N…please don’t worry about me”

“But-”

He cut you off though, “It doesn’t matter if they have it or not, or whatever they decide to do with it. That’s for me to think about. I can’t have you stressing about it”

“But…that’s impossible”

His expression softened, “That’s why I didn’t want to tell you”

“Hyun…” You squeezed his hand, “I’m really sorry that you have to deal with this. I wish…”

“It’s okay” He cut you off again, “I’ve been dealing with it half my life, it’s honestly not the worst thing that’s happened, which sounds so fucking cruel to say. Mostly, I’m just sad about Jisung, but he’s holding up okay for now”

Your phone suddenly buzzed, because Mina was calling you.

“I’m gonna tell her I’m gonna be late” You pulled your phone out of your denims to text her.

Hyunjin watched you do so, “You don’t have to, please”

 “Yes, I do” 

“Y/N” He reached up to stop you, “Forget what I said before. I don’t want you to miss work because of me”

“Hyun…this is more important” You told him, but your heart was pounding, “You should lie down now, you haven’t slept all night. I’m gonna get you some water, okay?”

He nodded, moving over to his bed.

You walked over to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water for him, trying not to fucking panic about what he’d just told you.

You had to breathe.

Hyunjin needed you, and it would help no one if you also began freaking the fuck out. 

How could people do something like that?

You needed to be stronger than this, because you wanted to cry just thinking about how Jisung felt. 

You squeezed your eyes shut, to calm yourself, and then finished filling up the glass for him. 

There was stuff all over the kitchen counter, different kinds of Daejon-special snacks, sour candy, instant ramyeon packed into little ziplock bags. 

Was he going on a trip or something?

As you went back to the room, Kkami was on top of Hyunjin, sitting on his chest, as Hyunjin stroked his chin, fondly. He was lying down, hair spread out on his pillow, and he glanced at you.

“I think this is the first time he’s paying so much attention to me” He told you, smiling as he scratched Kkami.

“Maybe he knows you’re sick” You hummed, placing the glass of water on the bedside table, “Are you going somewhere? Your kitchen counter...is messy”

He shook his head, eyes wide, “Um, no. I was just cleaning... earlier”

That seemed like a blatant lie, but maybe he was planning a surprise, so you didn’t push. He probably needed any break he could get. He settled further into his blanket, staring at you, “So now you know why I had to leave, when we were at the pool”

Everything made more sense now.

That’s why he had left in a hurry, and skipped the dinner party at Yeonjun’s.

He must have heard about the scandal in that moment, and the thought of finding out something like that about your friend also made you want to cry.

You bent down to grab your bag, wondering why those people wouldn’t just leave him, and his friends alone.

“Are you all right?” He asked, at your silence.

“I’m just mad…at whoever did that to Jisung”

Hyunjin reached out, grazing your arm with his fingers, “Me too, but…that anger isn’t yours to have”

“Of course it is!” You spoke, eyebrows shooting up, “I care about you and I care-”

Hyunjin sat up, interrupting you, “Hey, hey. I know”

You squeezed your eyes shut, “You don’t deserve this. None of you do. I just..I don’t understand how this shit keeps happening and people actually get away with it? Why do they care so much about your lives-”

“Y/N…” He spoke, “Can you look at me?”

You reluctantly opened your eyes, and he leaned in closer, “I know you’re upset, but can you just…please promise me you won’t worry about this?”

“I can’t…” You blurted, “You know me, Hyun. I can’t promise you that”

Hyunjin shook his head, “Can you try? If you’re going to be around me… there will be a lot of this stuff happening. You can’t let it get to you”

You swallowed, knowing this conversation was futile right now, “Yeah. I’ll try my best. You could have told me about this last night, Hyun. I could have been there for you”

“I know. I was going to, but...I didn’t want to ruin a perfectly good night” He smiled, clearly trying to cheer you up, and last night’s intense conversation felt like a fever dream compared to now.

You swallowed, “But still-”

“When you come back. I’m gonna make you feel much better, okay?” 

You smiled at the new comfort between you, “I’ll see you in a few hours”

He laid back down, head resting on the pillow, “It’s cute. You…trying to take care of me”

You rolled your eyes, “Well, forgive me for caring about you, Hyunjin”

He grabbed your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours, “I will be okay”

You stared at him, and he stared up at you, sleepily, eyes barely open.

You should be the one making him feel better.

Your impulse won, and you leaned forward, pressing your lips to his forehead.

He murmured, “When you’re done at work, you can let yourself back in. The key is next to the window, under the daisy”

“The key?”

“To my place”

Your heart stirred, “Hyun-”

He curled up into his duvet, eyes drifting shut, “I’ll see you soon, Y/N”

You closed the door to his bedroom, peeking at him one last time as he buried a hand under his pillow. Hopefully he would fall into a deep, restful, stressless slumber.

The walk to Aera’s wasn’t long from his place, but you took your time, savouring every moment that warmed your heart, but your gut twisted with the new knowledge you had gained.

You had many more questions about the Jisung thing, but it wasn’t the right time to ask. 

How could Hyunjin be so kind, despite the horrible things happening in his life? You would think that such hate would turn people cruel.

And despite all that fucking stress, he still called you last night. He stayed up with you, trying to make you feel good, even though your problems were nothing compared to his.

Aera’s came into view, and you could see Mina inside, idling away on the cash counter, probably playing a game on her phone. 

In front of her lay a large bouquet of flowers, and your curiosity peaked. 

Who sent Mina flowers?

As far as you knew, she wasn’t in a relationship, and her latest hookup had ended badly, yet a beautiful arrangement of daffodils was sent to her.

Your gut twisted, in part envy and some inspiration.

Maybe after you left work, you could bring some flowers for Hyunjin.

It would barely do anything to cheer him up, but it was still a nice gesture that you know he would appreciate.

You hope he felt much better when he woke, less in pain, more at peace.

You stopped in your tracks, just outside the steps.

You’d forgotten to give him the medicine.

What if he woke up, and was looking for it? What if his head hurt again?

You were so stupid for forgetting it. It was one of the reasons you’d gone over to his place in the first place.

Aera’s was right here and you were late, but it would only take you ten minutes to get to his place and back. You needed to make sure he was okay.

For a minute you stared at the little art shop, but then you thought of the frown lines in his forehead and the sadness in his eyes and your heart eventually won the argument. 

»»————-

The key was next to the Daisy ornament, as he had promised.

It felt invasive, to enter his home, and when you pushed open the door to his room, Hyunjin was deep asleep.

He was on his side, face pressed into the pillow, covers pulled up to his chest. 

Kkami wasn’t in sight, so you walked over to his bedside table, placing the pills, a bottle of water, and a candy bar.

Just in case he was hungry.

He sure seemed at peace, eyelids shifting slightly. He was dreaming.

What kind of things did Hyunjin dream of?

You hope all the terrible shit in his life didn’t invade his subconscious, and you wish you could stay here.

You gripped the spare key, reaching for the doorknob, but his voice startled you.

“Y/N...?”

Fuck. 

You hadn’t been quiet enough, and now you’d stupidly woken him up.

“Yeah?” You turned around, and he was clearly awake and you didn’t imagine hearing him say your name. He shifted around in his blanket, to face you.

“You’re back…” He mumbled, a sleepy smile, voice hoarse, “How was work?”

Your eyebrows shot up.

You hadn’t even gone to work yet, and it had only been fifteen minutes since you left but…it seemed like he’d lost all sense of time, and clearly been dreaming away.

You stood still, staring at his body under the covers, as he looked at you, waiting for a response.

“Hyunjin, I…”

“Was it not a good day?” He sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes, a frown on his lips, and the kind of person he was, of course his first question was to worry about you, about your day, which hadn’t even happened yet.

In the early morning sunlight, snuggled up in his blanket, brown hair tousled from sleep, Hyunjin looked absolutely perfect.

His hair fell into his face and eyes, and his bangs were cut completely wrong, but god, you wish you could have explained to him how much you absolutely cherished his new hair.

It brought a sense of familiarity, and of warmth, liquid fire running through your veins.

Like the first sip of coffee on a long day. 

Like the sunset on Jeju Island. 

Like a book character crafted just for you. Like an angel that fell to Earth.

You could stare at him forever.

He opened his eyes half-way through, confused why you weren’t answering, “Y/N?”

You had a choice.

You could go back to Aera’s and help Mina with the stock, yet be consumed by thoughts of Hyunjin all day.

Or —

“No, work was…great” You smiled, giving in.

Giving in to the only thing you could ever want.

Him.

“I’m so glad” Dimples appeared in his cheeks, as he smiled, “I hope Mina didn’t overwork you”

You walked over to him, voice soft to not disrupt his sleepy subconscious, “She didn’t”

“Are you tired?”

“Yeah”

His lips curled into a frown, rubbing his eyes again, “Oh. So…you have to go home?”

Another choice.

It was time to stop resisting.

“No. I don’t have to go”

But it would always be him.

“Is it all right if I stay here with you, Hyun?” 

The smile grew on his face, reaching all the way to his puffy eyes, and he instantly shifted, to make way for you, “Of course”

You don’t know what you were thinking, or if you even were thinking. You slipped off your sneakers, pushing them under the bed, next to the discarded items Hyunjin had long forgotten about. 

Your hesitation disappeared, and it ceased to exist, so you climbed into Hyunjin’s bed.

The bed was small, not nearly big enough for the two of you, but it didn’t matter because you squeezed yourself next to him. Hyunjin pressed himself up against the wall, making way for your body, and to share his pillow with you.

There were no words spoken, like it was habit - routine that you just slipped in next to him, like you weren't friends who could never be lovers, like this was what your everyday looked like, like this was all normal.

It was your first time climbing into his bed, but it felt like the most natural thing to do, like it was your fate, no matter how mundane it was.

The only sound was the ruffling of sheets, as he pulled the blanket over your body to cover you up. 

The bed was so little - all of your limbs touched his, and your noses were inches apart, sharing the same breath on his baby blue pillow.

“Are you comfortable?” He voiced.

“Mmh” You reached over, hand tracing his cheek, “You?”

“I’m perfect” He smiled, a yawn overtaking him soon after, “Although I’m still soo tired…it’s like I barely got any sleep”

You laughed, knowing he voiced the truth, “Go back to sleep, Hyun”

He nodded, “And…what about you?”

You slid your hand under the pillow, staring at him, “I will too"

Hyunjin’s hand moved under the blanket, reaching over to your waist. He pulled you closer, his chest pressing against yours, and your fond heart melted.

“You deserve to rest. You work too hard” He mumbled.

The guilt of skipping work crept over you, but…you needed to be selfish today, and you’d never felt this kind of calm before.

It was just one day you missed.

He was forever.

The way his legs fit between yours, and his hand on your body, was forever.

He tilt his head, voice coming out whiny in his reverie, “What are you thinking?”

“Just…about you”

“What about me?” He whispered.

You pushed back the uneven hair from his eyes, and his forehead, words slow because sleep was crawling over the two of you like a wave in the ocean, “I wish I could make everything easier for you”

A dimple appeared in his cheek, “You already do”

You smiled at his words, eyes drifting shut, but you had to ask,“Your head…does it still hurt?”

Hyunjin didn’t answer, and you thought he must already fallen asleep, but when you opened your eyes, he was looking right at you.

Eyes half-lidded, he was staring at you, “You’re so beautiful…”

Heart squeezed in your chest, an unsafe amount of emotions overwhelming you, and you mumbled, “Hyun…”

There was so much to say, but you couldn’t even comprehend your feelings in the moment. His body was so warm, safe, familiar, and it belonged there, and nothing could convince you otherwise. His eyes were so puffy and they kept drifting shut, and then just like that…he was asleep.

You stared at him as he fell asleep, at a loss for words. You thought you were getting used to the way you felt around Hyunjin, but truthfully you could perhaps never get used to it.

You’d never felt this way before.

You’d do anything for him.

You would do whatever he wanted in the world, and go wherever he wanted you to, and the thought was so scary that you almost cried.

It was good that he fell asleep, because the next words at the tip of your tongue were far too dangerous to be said at a time like this.

You would have told him you loved him. 

You were sure of it.

You loved him more than it was possible for humans to love each other, more than it was possible for you to love a boy you met just this summer, more than you should love someone you could never be with.

Just one second longer, and you would have blurted it out, because it was too strong an emotion to hold back anymore.

It’s a good thing he fell asleep when he did, and it was a good thing you didn’t say it.

If you told him how you truly felt about him, he would leave you.

You were sure of that, too.

»»————-

You woke slowly, and then all at once, eyes blinking awake, a steady heartbeat pulsing under your ear.

It took you a few seconds, to gather your bearings and to pull yourself out of this slumber, trying to make sense of where you were.

You’d been dreaming of stars…and you opened your eyes to the sun.

The blinds were pulled shut, subdued sunlight hitting the room.

Your fingers were clutching onto fabric, a t-shirt, and you were on top of Hyunjin.

Somehow, you’d moved in your sleep, your head pressed into his chest, which would explain why the first thing you heard was the sound of his heart.

Hyunjin’s chest rose, and fell, soft, calm. 

His face was pressed into your hair, and you wonder how he could even breathe, pushed up so close to you. His fingers dug into your sweatshirt, arm still wrapped around your waist.

What time was it?

There was no clock in his room, and you shifted, to reach for your tote bag. It lay by the side of the bed, your phone half-way out. You stretched your arm, but it was still out of reach. 

You didn’t want to wake him up, so you settled for not knowing what time it was, and perhaps you could exist in this moment forever, and never have it be stolen from you.

“It’s…just past ten” He breathed, and you shifted, to look at him. Your arm drifted, grazing his stomach, and it wasn’t until your fingers touched his bellybutton piercing that you realised his shirt had ridden entirely up, revealing bare skin.

“You’re awake” You stated, pulling yourself out of sleep, but everything was still hazy and blurry.

His eyes drifted open completely, “Mmh. I am”

He’d been awake a while, it seemed.

The reality of the situation set in.

You flushed, pulling your hand off his abdomen, even though you’d been enjoying the taut muscles of his stomach.

“Sorry…” You mumbled, “How long have you been up?”

Despite being wide awake, Hyunjin didn’t stop holding you.

“An hour…”

“An hour?!” Your eyes widened, “Why didn’t you wake me?”

He smiled, “Because you needed the rest”

“But…” You felt conscious, “Fuck, sorry, I was basically pinning you down, and you must have wanted to get up, to feed Kkami”

“Don’t worry, I already fed him” He laughed, chest moving with every chuckle.

You frowned, “You…did? How?”

“How?” He repeated your question.

“How did you…feed him?”

He laughed again, confused, “I got up and put food in his bowl”

The realisation sank in.

Hyunjin got up, fed Kkami, and then he—

“You came back to bed after that?”

He smiled, “I wasn’t going to leave you alone, you looked so comfortable”

Your heart skipped a beat as you stared at him.

You had been asleep, and he did all that without waking you. 

He…climbed out of the blanket, the bed, and then back in, snuggling up to you, holding you even tighter than before, without ever managing to wake you up.

A bashful smile tugged at your lips at the mental image, “I see”

“Mmh” He tilt his head, “Did you sleep well?”

“I did”

“Even after you lied to me?”

Your eyebrows shot up, “What?”

“You told me that you had a good day at work”

“Oh…”

“You didn’t have to skip work for me, Y/N. I was only kidding before”

You sat up, trying to fix your hair which must have been a mess after that unplanned nap, “I wanted to stay”

Hyunjin got up too, crossing his legs over the duvet, “Mina won’t be mad at you, right?”

You shook your head, rubbing the tiredness out of your eyes, “I can just take the afternoon shift”

He ran a hand through his sleep hair, pushing it back. You got lost in the way he did, brown curls falling across his jaw.

“When did you even get the time to dye it?”

A hoarse laugh escaped him, voice still groggy from sleep, “Late last night or early this morning…however you see it, after I finished taking to Chan”

“That’s why you got no sleep”

“Yup”

“Can I ask why you did it, Hyun?”

“I guess I just…needed a change. With everything that’s been happening” He looked down at his dye-stained hands, “I wanted to feel more like myself”

“And this…” You ran your hands through his hair, “…makes you feel more like yourself?”

He chuckled, “It’s silly, isn’t it?”

“No, not really”

 He nodded, “I guess I needed to remind myself of why I’m doing all of this. The last time I had my hair like this…I was still just a kid, before I had this kind of life”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah” He laughed, breathy, “I remember, at that time… I dreamed of debuting and making it big, and I was so…focused. It was like I had tunnel vision. I never thought this far ahead or about the stuff that comes after you become famous. I guess I was naive. But now when I look at myself in the mirror, it’ll be like looking at the seventeen year old version of me, and maybe I can dream his dreams again”

You smiled, running your hand across his jaw, “You’ve come so far, Hyun. I’m…really really proud of you”

His eyes crinkled as he looked at you, “You are?”

“Of course” You shifted onto your knees, to caress his cheek better, “I think you’re one of the strongest people I know”

Hyunjin’s hands landed on your thigh, and he laughed bitterly, “Thank you…but if I was actually strong, I wouldn’t have had to come back to town, or go through all of this shit”

Your heart clenched, and you nodded, “Right…”

If he was strong, he wouldn’t be here.

Maybe you were happy that he wasn’t strong.

A wave of guilt washed over you, so you turned away. 

You’d overstayed your welcome, and…Mina would be waiting for you.

Hyunjin’s hand on your wrist stopped you, “Wait. That’s not what I mean, Y/N”

“You don’t have to explain, Hyun” You spoke, putting your feet on the ground, hoping the cold floor would wake you up, but the floor was warm, warm like the bed, like his embrace.

Hyunjin stopped you from getting up. 

His grip on your arm pulled you back, closer to where he sat on the bed.

He explained himself, “No, I mean…I don’t regret it, at all. I just wish it was under better circumstances, you know? Coming back home…”

You wish it was under a better situation too.

You turned to look at him, “Yeah…but what did you really get out of coming back? A…drama-filled summer, a splitting headache, and…a really messy haircut”

Hyunjin’s eyes widened, “You think it’s messy?”

The tension was forgotten in seconds, and you couldn’t help but laugh, “Your bangs are…like completely messed up. I take it that this was your first time trimming it yourself, without a team full of stylists to help you”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me before” He narrowed his eyes, “What do you mean they’re messed up?” 

“They’re really uneven. It’s cute…but maybe you shouldn’t go out with this hair” you said, watching how the strands fell to his eyebrows.

“So, let me get this right. While I was baring my soul to you about my dreams, you were thinking about my hair?”

A giggle escaped you, “Maybe you can fix it”

His eyes widened, “You…you know how?”

“No…but…I can try”

“Okay, follow me” He got out of bed, gesturing for you to follow him, and you didn’t think he meant right now. 

He stepped into his bathroom, clearing the counter, and you noticed how tight his sweatpants suddenly seemed, stretching at the crotch.

You kept your distance, watching as he placed a box of tissues, and toothbrush holder to the side, trying not to focus on that. It was distracting.

You knew how anatomy worked, and you knew he couldn’t control that he woke up with morning wood, but it still made your brain fuzzy, like a stupid girl in love.

“Okay” He looked up you, and your gaze flickered back up to his face because there was no way you’d be caught staring at his fucking crotch.

“I’ve never done this before, so if I mess up…you can’t be mad at me” You spoke, as he hopped onto the marble counter, legs dangling off. He looked cute, staring up at you.

You don’t even know how you got here, from bringing him coffee this morning to napping in his bed, and to now attempting to cut his hair.

He ran a hand through his hair, “You just need to trim the ends, make it even, right?”

“Yeah” You stepped up to him. 

His shoulders relaxed, as he leaned back on the counter, “You’ll be fine. It’s not that hard”

You reached up to brush back his hair, “I mean, I think you did a pretty good job already. How long do you want them?”

“Just so they don’t fall into my eyes…” He told you, craning to look at himself in the mirror behind.

“Do you have a towel?” You asked.

His eyebrow shot up, a teasing smirk on his face, “A professional, are we?”

You rolled your eyes, “It’s just so it’s easier to clean, Hyun”

He smiled, pointing back to his room, “There should be a new one in my closet, on the upper shelf”

His wardrobe was surprisingly organised as you sifted through it, trying to find the towel. 

Your gaze landed on a ribbed burgundy t-shirt; you’d never seen him in it before. A silver zipper ran till the chest. You couldn’t even imagine how good he’d look in this.

“Did you just get this?” You asked, walking back with it, along with a towel.

Hyunjin was reading the label on a candle he lit, and he looked up at you, “Yeah. I haven’t got a chance to wear it”

“Oh, okay”

His lips tugged up, “You want me to put it on for you?”

You flushed, putting it back, “No, I was just curious”

“I’ll wear it for you later” He laughed, knowing you far too well because you’d never have asked, but you needed to see him in it.

Placing the towel on his lap, over his taut sweatpants, you hoped it would also serve as stopping the very obvious distraction. He didn’t even seem embarrassed or affected by it though. 

He hummed, “Thank you”

You laughed, tossing the hair in your hands, “Thank me after I’m done, this may turn out to look like shit”

“It won’t” He assured you, and you grabbed your phone.

“What are you doing?” He asked, “Texting while I’m asking you to help me?”

“I’m not texting” You rolled your eyes, tilting the screen to show him.

He read off your screen, “Step by step: How to a man’s hair”

“I don’t wanna mess up” You explained.

He giggled, loud laughter filling the bathroom, “Oh my god. You’re referring to a Wikihow article? I am truly doomed”

“They’re helpful sometimes, asshole” You pout, “We need to get your hair wet”

He nodded, leaning onto the mirror behind him, as you ran your hands under the sink to get them wet.

“It’ll be easier if I get in the shower” He suggested, and you glanced at him.

There was a smirk on his face at the recommendation.

“I…don’t think that’s necessary” You stated, flushing under his stare.

“It’s not like I’m going to get naked, Y/N” He laughed, “Don’t worry about it”

You shook your head, running your hands through his bangs to get them wet, droplets falling into his eyes. His eyes fluttered shut, and the drops of water trailed down his neck.

“Your shirt will get wet though” You added quietly, trying not to fixate on the trail of water that had made parts of his shirt see-through.

He blinked, wet hair falling into his face, “We should probably take it off then”

“Yeah” You swallowed, paused in your movements.

Hyunjin laughed, “Oh come on, it’s not like you’ve never seen me shirtless. You seem embarrassed—”

You immediately tugged at his shirt, pushing it up his chest, perhaps to prove that you weren’t affected by this. His eyes widened, and he clearly hadn’t expected you to take the initiative, but he smiled to himself, lifting his arms up, so you could pull it off completely. 

Once you got it over his head, and arms, he was flushing red.

“I don’t know Hyun” You hummed, “You’re the one who seems embarrassed now”

“Stop” He laughed. 

You tried not to get distracted, but in the soft light of the bathroom, his muscles seemed even more pronounced, the twinkle in his bellybutton catching your eye more often than you’d want.

You took in a deep breath, holding a hairbrush up, “Here goes nothing”

“If you ruin my hair, you should know some stylists in Seoul are gonna be very unhappy”

You laughed, untangling all the knots, “So…no pressure then, right?”

He shrugged, “Mmh, none at all”

“And they’re not going to be unhappy with your dye-stained hands?” 

He held his palms up, staring at them, as you pulled his hair taut, “It’ll wash off soon enough”

“Close your eyes” You spoke, “I don’t want to hurt you”

He nodded, and you carefully trimmed the front ends, choppy pieces of his bangs falling onto the towel in his lap. You had to make sure it was even, as you measured it roughly, and you’d never been a hairdresser but all those years engaging in crafts surely came handy now.

“You’re quiet” He spoke.

“I don’t want to mess up”

Hyunjin’s hand suddenly found it’s way to your waist, and you stilled, scissors in hand, “Unless you want me to accidentally stab you in the eye…don’t do that…not without warning”

He glanced up at you, despite the precarious position, gulping, “Sorry”

Just as he was about to move his hand back, you stopped him, “I…I didn’t say you have to stop touching me”

Realisation passed over his face, and he nodded, gripping you tighter.

Now that he held you, you felt more anchored, confidence flowing. You focused on what was left of the task, trimming the rest of his bangs as he watched you. 

Any other moment, you would feel conscious, because you were the only thing he was looking at, but today you didn’t.

“Are you almost done?” He asked, voice soft.

“Almost” You promised, putting the pink scissors away, to look at him.

The light-brown bangs fell just above his eyebrows, growing longer at the side, tucked behind his ears. The rest of the hair brushed his bare collarbones, almost a mullet in the back, shorter in the front.

There was barely anything to even fix, and maybe you just needed a dumb reason to be so close to him again. He knew that too, yet he indulged you.

You let yourself stare at him, seconds stretching into minutes.

It was perfect.

“Is it… all right?” He asked.

His eyes were blown wide, and curious, teeth biting into his plush lower lip, with apprehension.

“It’s beautiful, Hyun” You admitted.

His smile grew, “Really?”

You nodded, putting away the towel on his lap, “If you went to my school, everyone would have had a crazy crush on you”

His eyebrows shot up, “That’s…random”

You bit your lip, “I’ve been thinking about that a lot”

“About…school?”

“No” You shook your head, “About how things used to be. Everything seemed simpler back then”

He nodded silently, as if understanding exactly what you meant. After all, he’d just been talking about a similar thing -- about how things were easier before he debuted.

“Did you…have school too?” You asked him.

He laughed, “Of course I did”

“In Seoul?”

He nodded.

“Why didn’t you just go to the one here…in Daejon? Isn’t this your home?”

He smiled, “I had to go to the academy every day to train, before and after my lessons. It would have been impossible to travel so much if I was in Daejon”

“So you never visited home? What about your aunt? This is her place, right?”

He nodded, “It is, I’m taking care of it for her while she’s away”

“And your parents?”

“They moved with me to the city…” He explained.

“Do you miss them...now that you’re here?”

His gaze softened, “Yeah, I do, but…even when I was there, I couldn’t meet them often. I would try to talk to my mum every day at first, but over time that became…really tough”

“Why?”

“I was just…insanely busy. Not that it’s an excuse, but I just let myself get carried by the work, by the... responsibilities and what was expected of me”

Your hands gripped onto his bare shoulders, “When you go back, you’ll be busy again”

“Yeah”

“When do you even make time for yourself, between…all of that?”

He shrugged, “I...don’t. That’s why I cherish moments like this the most”

“I see” 

He tilt his head, “Do you think we’d be friends…if I went to your school in Daejon, instead of in the city?”

“Probably not”

Hyunjin frowned, “Wow. You didn’t even have to think about that”

You smiled, apologetic, “No, I just mean…I’d probably be too intimidated to approach you, and…you’d definitely be dating the most popular girl in high school”

He rolled his eyes, “Stop. That would never happen”

“Right. I forgot you don’t date”

His eyebrows knit together and he tilt his head, “You know that’s not what I meant”

You absentmindedly fiddled with the string on his sweats, twirling it within your fingers, “Hmm”

“What kind of girl were you, in high school anyway?” He asked, lazily leaning back against the mirror, allowing you a more prominent view of his collarbones, and his bare chest.

“What do you mean?” You laughed, “I was…the same”

His eyes were full of amusement as he watched you speak, and you couldn’t comprehend how…easy this felt. How domestic. 

Hyunjin sat across you, shirtless and just in sweatpants, as you talked about the most mundane things at eleven in the morning.

Is this what it’d be like? 

If he let himself love you?

“Minho told me differently”

Your eyebrows shot up, “What did he say?”

Hyunjin laughed, eyes crinkling into crescents, “He just said you were different, that you were…much louder”

You tilt your head, “As all teenagers are”

“He also told me you failed Art once”

You gasped, “He did?”

Hyunjin giggled, “Wanna tell me what that was all about?”

“The professor…felt differently than me. I actually had a full-blown argument with him in class” You recalled, “Man. I don’t think I’d do that today. I kind of regret it”

He smiled, “I’d love to see that. I’ve never seen you…angry. If it makes you feel any better, I’d definitely fail that art class too”

You laughed, “Why?”

He leaned forward suddenly, closing the little distance between you, “Why do you think?”

You lost your train of thought, getting swept up in his gaze, “I don’t know…”

“I would be too distracted… staring at you” 

Your heart sank, at what could have been, “Yeah…”

He laughed, breathy, “I’m sorry. I…shouldn’t say stuff like that, right?”

Your chest felt heavy, eyes landing to the floor, or anything else, “Yeah. You shouldn’t”

“But you have to know” He cupped your cheek, tilting your chin to look at him.

“Know…what?”

He swallowed, “That…I wish everyday for things to be different, and sometimes I wish I was just a boy you met in high school, instead of…who I am right now”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing” You frowned.

“It’s true. Things would be simpler if I was just…some Hyunjin, wouldn’t they? A nobody”

“No... Hyun, you can’t wish for that. You worked so much to be this. You are who you are, because that’s who you’re supposed to be”

“Supposed to?”

“Aren’t you the one who was reading all about stuff that fate earlier? Don’t you believe that you’re here right now in this part of your life, because you’re meant to be?”

He frowned, “Does that mean I’m…supposed to suffer too?”

“Suffer? That’s…a harsh word”

“You don’t agree?”

You nodded, “Things would be simpler, of course…but you told me that you don’t mind the bad stuff, because you love what you do”

“So you don’t wish for things to be different?”

You swallowed, admitting, “Obviously it would be easier if you were just Hyunjin, a boy from my art class, instead of…a world-famous member of a band"  

“You should stop thinking of me that way” He interrupted, pulling you closer between his legs.

“Even if I stop thinking of you like that, it doesn’t change the truth”

His eyes were soft as he spoke, “Maybe you can forget about it for a day”

“Forget who you are?” You laughed, “Before I knew that about you, it didn’t matter to me at all, but now...it affects every part of your life…it’s hard to just ignore what’s real”

What happened with Jisung just further solidified that for you. Hyunjin had run away from the fame, but it still found him, festering into his heart and mind. Miles away, he worried about it, defeating the sole purpose of him coming here.

His thumbs brushed under your shirt, “I know, but just for a day, don’t think about that”

“What should I think about then?”

“Think about how nice it’d be…if we were in another world, where I wasn’t me”

You frowned, “But who you are is... perfect. I don’t want that to change”

He closed his eyes, “I know you don’t…I’m sorry. I know it’s upsetting, but…I wish for a lot of stuff”

You leaned closer, brushing your thumb against his jaw, “What do you wish for?”

He leaned in, gaze piercing through your soul, “I wish for…a normal life. Wouldn’t I be happier then?”

Your heart stirred, “We all suffer, Hyun, even when we lead normal lives”

Hyunjin’s hand slipped around your neck, the space between your mouths almost negligible, “You want to know what true suffering really is, for me?”

“Yeah?”

“Being this close to you…and not getting to have you in the way I want”

Your voice trembled, “And…what way is that?”

“In every way that’s possible…I want you”

You moved in the same breath that he did, crushing his mouth to yours, before he could even finish speaking.

It didn’t matter who moved first. Your lips were on his, and he let out a satisfied groan, as you swallowed his words, his breath, his taste.

Your hands slipped into his freshly-cut hair, frantic as you kissed him, and he devoured you in open-mouthed kisses, and you could feel it all the way down to your toes, within the crevices of your heart, within the depths of your soul.

It was electrifying, the way he gave into you, like it was muscle memory at this point.

“Y/N-” A groan escaped his lips, between pecks. His hands slid around your waist. He pulled you flush to the counter until your hips met his, thighs closing around your body to trap you in his embrace.

A bottle of hand-soap knocked over onto the floor, as did the pair of scissors you’d held so delicately before, and earlier it was so tranquil but now it was so rushed.

He tilt his head, mouth crushed against yours, and it was already messy, saliva dripping down his chin, but you didn’t care.

Not after what he just said.

He tasted of lazy Saturday mornings, of books about fate, of home.

He tasted fucking perfect.

“Let me make you feel good” You whispered, “Please, please, please”

Despite the growing lust, he was still fucking polite, shaking his head, “No, let me-”

You pushed your tongue into his mouth to interrupt him, words slipping out in a rush, “You don’t have to suffer, not when it comes to me”

“I know” He whined fervently, in a heated daze. You were both burning up, and it was so hot inside this room, but he was the hottest boy that had ever existed. You wanted to do so much, but your time together wasn’t infinite, and the things you wanted to do to him were.

“Please let me do this” You mumbled, pecking his lips over and over.

“What are you going to do?” He whispered.

You fingers rest in his hair, and you pulled at the strands to tilt his head back with enough harshness to make him whine, allowing you access to his neck. 

Within seconds, you pressed a trail of kisses down his throat and jaw, nipping at his ear. 

“Fuck-” He moaned, as you bit onto his neck. Your other hand travelled up his body, fingers brushing against his chest, and his hips bucked up into nothing.

You should be more careful. You wanted to be delicate, but you couldn’t stop, and he couldn’t either, as he slowly rocked his hips against yours, to relieve the friction.

Hyunjin was restless, squirming, as you did so, and he suddenly whined, “Baby, don’t mark me”

You pulled back to look at him, “Why?”

His eyes were half-lidded but clearly he was still thinking straight, panting, “Someone… could see”

The disappointment must have been evident in your face because he immediately kissed you, whispering, “You can do anything else to me, I’m sorry”

You indulged him in the kiss, feeling his tongue in your mouth, as he explored you, grip strong on your jaw. His other hand pushed your sweatshirt up, and his lips were so fucking swollen, dripping with spit - yours and his.

It was messy, his hair was wet, and his hands were stained with dye as they travelled up your body, tracing each curve, under your sweatshirt. They brushed the wire of your bra, and he immediately paused, puling back to ask for permission.

Hyunjin had touched you before, but he’d always been so fucking respectful, never going into unfamiliar territory. Despite the heat of the moment, his eyes were shy, as he silently asked you if he could go further.

“You can…keep going” You nodded, pressing your lips to his again. 

It was all the approval that he needed, before his large hands squeezed your tits and you moaned, “Hyun-”

“Last night-” He began speaking, voice hoarse, “I wanted to touch you so fucking bad”

“Me too” You breathed, “You made me crazy…with what you said. I’m sorry I couldn’t come over”

“I’m sorry too” He apologised so sweetly, but he groped you so filthily, fingers pulling back the lace of your bra, ”I’m sorry I couldn’t make you feel good, when that’s all I ever fucking want to do”

He made you clench, “Fuck, Hyun I promise when I came over this morning, I…I wasn’t expecting this”

He shook his head, kissing the corner of your mouth, “I know, I know, you were just being so fucking sweet, you’re always so sweet”

“I was— I was just so worried about you” You admitted, but every word was difficult when you couldn’t breathe. Every word was difficult when his tongue slipped into your mouth, and you gave up on speaking, to just taste and devour him.

“I know. You care about me far too much” He mumbled, pulling back to gaze at you.

“Does it still hurt you?” 

“If I say yes--”

“I’ll make it go away” You promised.

“How?” He breathed, chest heaving, wondering what you could possibly do to take away the pain.

Your hand landed on his lap, and he was clearly so turned on, and you gently squeezed him through his sweatpants.

A loud moan escaped him, back arching at the sudden sensation, “Oh my god…”

“Is it okay if I go on?” You asked, against his lips.

“Please, I might die if you stop”

You smiled at his words,“You’re hard”

“I know” He chuckled, eyes half-lidded.

“Is that because I kissed you?” You teased, pecking kisses down his jaw, as you palmed his cock through his sweats, “Or is it because I’m touching you?”

“It’s because you’re you” He groaned, head thrown back against the mirror.

Suddenly, a buzzing caught your attention, and your phone vibrated against the bathroom counter. Still, you didn’t stop touching him.

“Baby…” He moaned, his voice was hoarse, trying to find his way to a sentence, “Your…your work”

“Don’t think about that right now” You told him, kissing under his ear, sucking over the sensitive spot, “Just let me take care of you”

Your hands hovered over the string of his sweats, “Can I?”

He nodded, frantically, “I told you. Do whatever you want...to me. You don’t even have to ask”

“Okay” You undid the knot, loosening the waistband of his sweatpants, and Hyunjin held his breath, abs clenching tightly, as you slipped your hand inside, feeling him bare.

He let out a whimper, “Oh god”

Your fingers wrapped around his entire length, and you’d touched him before, the first time that you kissed him, but things were different now.

“Fuck” He grit his teeth, “If I don’t last long-”

“Don’t worry about that” You told him. It was stupid and silly how your brain short-circuited; all you could think of was how hard and big he was. 

“Wait-” He interrupted, and you looked up at him, wondering if he changed his mind. Instead of asking you to stop, he grabbed your hand. 

You watched, curious, as he lift it to his own mouth, his lips wrapping against your fingers, wetting them.

It dawned on you what he was doing, and maybe you were so far gone that you’d forgotten how to even do this, and you felt embarrassed, but Hyunjin didn’t let you feel embarrassed for too long. The sight of him with your fingers in his mouth was so absolutely insane that you had to remind yourself to stay still, and not pounce on him in that very moment.

He pulled them out, with a pop, spit trailing down his swollen lips, “It’s easier… this way”

You immediately slipped your hand back into his sweatpants, tugging at his cock. It was easier now with spit on your hands, and it was better as you gripped him tightly. He was so warm, leaking already, and you wanted to just feel him inside you.

It was only the morning, and maybe that’s why he was flushing red, squirming as you touched him in broad daylight, and he pressed his mouth to yours, too shy to look into your eyes.

Too shy, but far too turned on, as his cock twitched with every tug of your hand, hips bucking to feel more of you.

Your grip was steady, thumb brushing against his tip and you learnt that he loved that, because his whines got louder when you did, curse words escaping his lips. 

“Oh my god” He groaned, and his mouth fell open, eyes squeezing shut.

“Do you like that, Hyun?” You asked him, “You like being touched?”

“Fuck. You’re going to make me come so fucking fast” He mumbled, embarrassed, hands gripping the marble counter.

Your pace increased, squeezing him every other second, and it had been so long since you’d given a handjob that you would get tired but of course he was helping you out, rocking his hips into your hand to match your pace.

He was unable to keep still, knuckles turning white, sweat dripping down his chest, drenching his abs.

He was so sensitive, and it was tough because your hand was restrained by the elastic of his sweat, but he kept squirming, so you gripped his thigh with your other hand, “Stay still, Hyunnie”

“I can’t” He whimpered, a tear slipping out, “It feels so good”

You kissed the edge of his mouth, as his moans got louder and your pace increased, hand gliding up and down with ease. It would be easier if his sweatpants were off, but you’d lose it if you saw him like that.

A loud ringer threatened to pull your attention away.

“Someone…someone is calling you again” He breathed.

“They can wait” You cut him off with another kiss, and his hips bucked up into your hands, legs wrapping tight around you.

“Y/N-” He moaned, the veins in his neck strained as he held back. 

Your phone was ringing, but you didn’t care about it right now. You’d been interrupted countless times in the past, and today you would make him feel good, no matter what.

“Faster?” You asked.

“Yes, please” He pleaded.

You picked up the pace, squeezing his cock tightly and he bit down on his lip, harshly.

“I just wanna be buried inside you” He blurted, cheeks red, chest heaving, “I can’t imagine how good you’d feel”

“I’d let you do anything to me too, you know?”

“Really?”

“You can fuck me, anywhere… anytime that you want”

He swallowed, “Shit- I want that now”

You leaned closer, pressing your chest to his, “You want to fuck me?”

He bit his lip, “Y-Yes, but-”

He was so whiney, and it was so easy to tease him, “But you’re not supposed to. We’re not supposed to do this, right?”

“I don’t give a fuck about that. I need to be inside you. I dreamt about you, every night” He blurted, and you learnt that perhaps forbidden love was his turn-on.

“What do you dream about?”

“I dream about — Fuck. I dream about you, on top of me, and about - it’s so inappropriate”

“Tell me, please Hyun”

He nodded, wanting nothing more than to please, “I dream of tasting you, and I can’t imagine how sweet you’d taste, and I think about waking you up in the morning, and — ” 

He seemed like he was losing it, beads of sweat dripping down his forehead, specks decorating his collarbones, and you were losing it too, at his words.

“Do you touch yourself to it? To those dreams?” You asked him, squeezing him again.

Tears brimmed at his eyes from the pleasure, and he shook his head, “I want to, but is that...is that okay with you?”

You smiled, kissing him, “Are you asking me if it’s okay?”

“Yeah” He breathed.

You pecked his cheek, and his ear, while stroking his cock, “You can think about me all you want when you touch yourself”

“Fuck” He groaned, “I’m so close. Please don’t stop, please”

“What do you need?” You whispered.

“Let me touch you” He begged, and you nodded, so his hands found their way to your body. 

He pulled you close, pushed your sweatshirt up, just enough to catch the lavender lace of your bra, in the early afternoon sun, “You’re so fucking hot”

You ran your fingers through the freshly-dyed hair, and when he felt your nails against his scalp, he moaned loudly, and you learnt that he loved having his hair pulled. 

You pulled at his hair, and his hips bucked, thrusting up into the air, head falling back, and with another tug inside his sweats, a loud moan escaped him.  

“Fuck—” He groaned, pink lips parting, eyes squeezed shut, cock twitching as he came in your hand, soaking you.

Small whines left his lips, and he rest his head against the mirror, and you continued touching him, and his legs trembled from the pleasure and the pain, until he was done.

It was only a regular Saturday morning but it was the most beautiful moment in your life.

You learnt that you could never feel as satisfied, as you did right now, revelling in his orgasm.

You stopped, in awe of him, until his breathing returned to normal. His hair was sticking to his face, and you pushed it back, and his chest was moving rapidly.

Hyunjin’s lips were bitten red and swollen, a sheen of sweet dripping down his abs, as he tried to catch his breath.

“Fuck” He muttered, opening his eyes to look at you, after he’d finally calmed down.

Slowly, you slipped your hands out of his sweats, and he noticed the mess he’d made, “Fuck, I’m so sorry. That’s-”

“Don’t say sorry” You told him, kissing his cheek.

“But I…let me clean it up” He felt embarrassed, post-coital haze taking over, and he reached for a tissue, wiping your hands with it.

You smiled at his tenderness.

He was red all over, as he wiped his release from your hands, “I’m sorry”

“Hyun” You interrupted him, “Relax”

His shoulders slacked, and he nodded, “Okay”

Like clockwork, your phone rang again.

Hyunjin’s gaze drifted to it, reading the caller ID, “Are they gonna be mad at you?”

“I don’t care” 

His eyes searched yours, and he nodded, and his cheeks were so red, and he was so endearing.

“How do you feel now?”

He let out a chuckle, pulling you closer, “What do you think?”

“I don’t know” You teased, nails grazing his abs. You were turned on beyond belief, the sight of Hyunjin like this enough to make you go insane, but it wasn’t about you right now, it was about him. 

When you got home, you’d think of him and this moment, and make yourself feel good.

You’d think of the moans, and the feeling of his cock in your hand, and you’d imagine it was him touching you.

“I promise this wasn’t my intention…when I asked you-”

“I know. You just wanted help with your hair” You interrupted him.

He laughed, “Yeah…and you helped me”

You tucked his hair behind his ear, still not used to his new look, “You look perfect, Hyun”

“I’m embarrassed” He admitted after a while, “I’m sorry if I was pushy or-”

“You weren’t” You assured him, only half-joking, “Now I know what I’m gonna be thinking about at work”

His eyes shot to yours, widening, “Y/N…”

You laughed, wrapping your arms around his waist, “I’m kidding”

“What about you?”

You laughed, “What about me?”

He smiled, coy, “Isn’t it my turn now?”

“Your turn to what?”

He leaned forward, voice dropping, “You’re…you’re not wet?”

You swallowed, because of fucking course you were, and then your phone rang again, for the fifth time in a row.

“I…I should get that” You stuttered, stepping away from him.

You don’t know why, but…you weren’t ready.

You weren’t ready for him to see you like that, even though every part of you wanted him. Maybe because you knew it couldn’t last. You feared that if Hyunjin touched you even just once, you’d never feel the same again.

So, you answered the sixth missed call, “Hello?”

Hyunjin watched you from where he sat.

Mina’s voice came in, “Oh my god, I thought you died or something”

“Yeah, sorry. I…wasn’t feeling well. I’ll be there soon” You replied, staring at the cabinet and how he’d arranged everything beautifully — a black cherry candle on the top shelf, a cerulean blue hand towel, and a tiny glass jar of hair-clips.

Your gaze darted to Hyunjin’s, and he was putting on his shirt now.

“Okay, I’ll see you there” Mina spoke, hanging up.

“You have to go?” He asked.

You turned to him, “Yeah, in a bit”

He stepped closer to you, “Are you all right?”

You nodded, “Mmh. Why wouldn’t I be?”

He smiled, pressing you into the counter, “Because you didn’t answer my question”

Your eyes widened, “Hyun-”

“I hope you don’t think of me as one of those guys”

“What guys?” You laughed.

“The guy… who’d let you just go to work without taking care of you too”

You gulped, “You don’t have to take care of me”

His expression fell, “You don’t want me to…?”

“No, it’s not that”

“Then tell me what it is” He asked, leaning in.

“Hyun…maybe later” You told him, “Mrs. Aera…will really hate me if I don’t show up”

He sighed, “Yeah. No one could ever hate you, though”

“Let’s not wait and find out” You laughed, grabbing your phone. As you headed for the door, Hyunjin watched you from the bathroom counter, but suddenly spoke, “Y/N”

“Yeah?” You turned.

He leaned in, pressing his lips to yours. Your heart jumped at the suddenness, and the kiss was so soft, so slow.

“Thank you” He said, pulling away, just slightly, “For…cutting my hair”

“Of course” You smiled. His fingers brushed against the skin of your stomach, and he pulled you close again, finding your mouth with his for the second time in the same breath.

Immediately, you kissed him back, and his tongue slipped into your mouth, deepening the kiss.

“Thank you…for…” He mumbled again, between kisses. 

This time…you knew he wasn’t referring to the haircut.

Your mouth hovered close, nose touching his, “Don’t thank me, Hyun. I’ve only been dreaming about it forever”

“So...you dream about me too?” He asked, looking right into your eyes.

You laughed, hands coming up to his chest to push him away, “Shut up”

“Wait” He leaned in to kiss you again. You let yourself melt into his embrace, and you wanted to ask what the hell happened to his no-dating rule, and all of his damned rules about love, but you didn’t.

A chuckle escaped you, “You have to stop thanking me…”

“No, you just…you make me feel so good” He whispered, “I don’t deserve it”

Your eyebrows shot up.

Where did that come from?

“Hyun, I’ll be late” You told him, and you were crazy for willingly pulling away from him, but you wanted to respect Mrs. Aera and her time. 

There was no hurry. Hyunjin wasn’t going anywhere right now, and you’d have all the time in the world to kiss him when you got back from work.

There was still time.

“We’re meeting at the Creek later tonight, right? Yeonjun might come too”

“Tonight? I almost forgot about your futile mission to make me love Daejon again”

He pouted, and you wonder how he could look so adorable after doing something so filthy, “Don’t call it futile”

“We’ll see who’s right” You hummed, adjusting your sweatshirt.

“Have a good day at work”

You felt like teasing him again, just a bit, “Maybe you should change your sweats after I leave”

He flushed red, “Stop. You’re the one that couldn’t resist me, and all just because I changed my hair”

You narrowed your eyes, “Unfair. You win”

He smiled, cheek dimpling, “I know”

»»————-

Work felt a lot like hell that afternoon. 

As you sorted through the new paint, all you thought of was him.

His moans haunted you, his nose scrunching in pleasure, spit trailing down his swollen lips.

What came over you to do such a thing?

How did he let you?

The answer, of course, was simple enough.

Fucking lust. Or love. For you, it was both.

It seemed like he’d realized that you couldn’t stay away from each other, and you were thankful that you didn’t have to pretend to resist each other anymore. 

“Acrylics?”

“Huh?” You looked up from where you were bent on the floor, hands buried in bubble wrap.

“Could you pass me the acrylics?” Mina repeated, standing tall on a ladder, trying to stock the upper shelves. 

“Right. Sure” You reached into the cardboard box behind you. A new edition of paint bottles lay there, named summer pastels, and you handed it over to Mina.

Just a few hours more that you had to make it through.

You were meeting him and Jun by the Creek later for a night swim, and the thought of seeing him so soon again excited you. There was so much to do with him and you were looking forward to the rest of the summer.

He definitely seemed eager to explore the rest of Daejon, and you had to take him to the night market, the summer solstice festival in the park, to a paintball fest, the list was endless.

You wanted to teach him your favourite techniques about art. He’d asked for your help after all. You’d help him excel in watercolour, and gouache, and maybe he’d love impressionism. It was surreal, and dreamy just like him and you could imagine the landscapes you could paint together.

How amazing would that be?

If you and him worked on a painting together.

Your styles were so different, but they’d meld together so well, and you’d let him take the lead. You could imagine how proud he’d feel.

You hope you wouldn’t get too distracted and caught up in each other, and would actually finish the painting, and god, it would be so hot if there was paint all over him-

“You’re distracted” Mina pointed out, stretching to reach the upper shelf as she stocked new sharpies.

“I’m just tired” 

She smiled, “Thinking about a boy?”

“What else did you want me to hand you?”

“You’re cute when you’re flustered, Y/N”

“I’m not flustered. I told you…I’m tired”

Your phone buzzed, and you immediately reached for it, before realising that you were technically at work, and you shouldn’t be so eager. 

Still, Mina caught onto that.

“Oh my god” She laughed, “Who is he?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” You put your phone face down, so you wouldn’t be tempted to check. 

“Yeah you do” She smiled, “Don’t be embarrassed of it”

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed of, because nothing is going on” You felt like a broken record repeating that, but it was the truth.

Your phone buzzed again, and you peeked at the messages. 

They were from Seungmin.

seungmin:

hey yn

i think you may be at work but I can't get in touch with hyunjin

whenever you do, can you ask him if the refund for the last payment came in?

you:

refund for what?

seungmin:

the art classes

at the château 

he was registered for the whole summer before, but since he’s not attending them anymore, we’re refunding him

you:

what?

he cancelled the classes?

“Y/N. I arranged the colors the way you like. Is it okay?” Mina interrupted, and you looked up at her, confused by what you’d just learnt.

“Yeah. It’s okay” You mumbled, reaching for your phone again.

“Can you please text whoever he is after work? I need some help with the canvas” She asked.

You nodded, “Of course. Sorry”

Hyunjin probably had a really good reason for cancelling the classes, maybe it was getting too expensive for him, and you’d ask him about it later.

“Which one even is he?” She asked.

“What?”

“Which boy?” She grinned at you.

“It’s just Seungmin” You told her, “And you’re one to talk”

“What?” She asked.

“Earlier when I came by…I saw the daffodils. Who’s the secret admirer, Mina?” You laughed, turning the tables on her.

She laughed, stepping down from the ladder, “Those were for you, dumbass”

“What?” You glanced up at her, heart jumping.

“They’re in the back room. Since you didn’t come for the morning shift, I put them in some water so they wouldn’t die”

Your eyes widened, “Can I go see?”

“Of course, but come right back please. I need some help with the easels”

Hyunjin sent you flowers?

Why didn’t he tell you? He must have wanted it to be a surprise, and you immediately stood up, dusting the dirt off your jeans as you made your way to the back room. 

The daffodils were peeking out from a cut-up plastic water bottle, a stark contrast to the natural beauty of the flowers. Your heart melted. Mina had done her best, going so far as to putting them on the one shelf of the storage room that got sunlight.

As you stepped closer, the scent overwhelmed you. It had been so long since you’d gone to pick any flowers. 

The petals were delicate to your touch, and you turned the bouquet around. There was no note attached from him.

The flowers were enough though, and you smiled to yourself, making a mental note to take them home with you, and put them on the windowsill by your bed. 

You would thank him later. 

You wanted to cheer him up anyway, and since you were going to the Creek tonight, you knew the perfect fucking way to do that. You just couldn’t wait for him to see it.

“They’re gorgeous, aren’t they?” Mina asked.

You turned to see her standing by the door, “Yeah. They’re so beautiful”

“Someone is waiting out there for you” She nodded back toward the shop.

“Oh, I’ll be right there” You grabbed the fragile water bottle, carrying it back out with you.

You stopped in your tracks as you entered the shop again.

Curly hair falling to her shoulders, the color of rose-gold, heart-shaped glasses balanced atop her nose, she was flipping through a Daejon brochure.

“Yuqi?” You exclaimed.

She looked up, immediately pushing the glasses up her head, and her lips tugged into a gorgeous smile.

“Seems like you’ve been up to a lot while I’ve been away” She grinned, pointing to the tourist brochure in her hands.

“I’ve been up to nothing” You laughed, stepping up to pull her into a hug, holding the flowers in your other hand. 

“Fuck, it’s been so long” She hummed.

“When did you get back?” You asked, placing the temporary vase on the cash counter. You leaned against it, turning to face her.

She looked like a dream in denim dungarees and a tube top.

“I drove in early this morning. I was running a few errands for Yeonjun since then”

You crossed your arms, “Oh, he’s already making you work for him?”

She rolled her eyes, “Unfortunately, as his twin sister, I have no choice but to do it”

“What errands does he even have?” 

“Ice-cream to aid his broken heart”

“Oh” You pouted, “He told you about that, huh?”

“Texted me crying last night” She shrugged, “That’s kind of why I drove in last minute. I wasn’t supposed to come home until the fall”

You smiled, “I’m glad you’re here. I’m sure he will be too”

“I’m like the worst therapist” She laughed, “But…I have dealt with assholes and heartbreak before, so I may just be the perfect person”

Your eyes fell to the brochure in her hands, “What are you even reading that for?”

“There’s a beautiful picture of you in it" She said, waving the paper around.

“What?” You grabbed it from her, flipping through the pages.

It was the new tourist brochure for Daejon, and just like she said, there was a picture of you.

It was from the Paint and Wine event at the Château. 

You were painting, smiling at someone off-camera, and you knew that it was obviously Hyunjin, but he hadn’t been a part of this frame.

Maybe that was better since you didn’t need any rumours around town. Still, it remind you of that night and how beautiful it was, well… until the part where Hyunjin told you he could never be in a relationship, or let himself love someone.

You folded and kept it away, looking back at Yeonjun’s sister.

“You said you drove here? From Busan?”

She nodded.

“You brought the red pickup?”

She laughed, not one for nostalgia or outspoken love, “Sometimes I think you love me just for my car”

Just outside the store window, was parked her gorgeous red pickup truck. You had countless memories associated with it — nights Yuqi would sneak you and Felix out for drives, to the night markets and candy shops in Samhae, up the hill, to the river when Minho had his fishing phase in school.

Observing your wistful expression, Yuqi smiled, “Don’t tell me you’re reminiscing high school already, Y/N”

“I’m not!” You defended, “But it was kind of fun. It was simple”

“It isn’t now?”

You shrugged, “Things have changed a lot since you were last here”

She stepped up to you, “I already know about Hana and Jun’s fallout; what else happened?”

You didn’t even know where to start. Yuqi had always been like an older sister to you, even though technically her and Yeonjun were the same age, but you’d hardly kept in touch ever since she moved.

She’d been so busy in her life, and there was so much she didn't know about you.

You fiddled with your charm bracelet, wondering how to sum up the best summer of your life, “I uh, I met a boy”

Her eyebrows shot up, “What the actual fuck? Tell me everything”

“Sure, but I have to help out Mina too” You laughed, moving back to the supplies, “You’re coming tonight, right?”

“To the Creek? Yeah, Yeonjun told me he’s going” She questioned.

“You should come! You can meet him there”

Her eyes widened, “The boy you met, he’s coming tonight too?”

You smiled, “Yeah. It was actually his plan to go in the first plan”

“Fuck. Is he cute?”

“Mmh. He is” You laughed, pushing the cart of supplies towards Mina as she stocked them, rolling her eyes at your and Yuqi’s conversation.

“You ladies are not passing the Bechdel test” Mina laughed, from the top step of the ladder.

You glanced up at her, “You know what that is?”

“Of course. How dumb do you think I am” She laughed.

Yuqi leaned against the shelf, crossing her arms, “What is the Bechdel test?”

“Like...a way of figuring out if a film or book represents women without the stereotypes or sexism, and in order to pass the test, the book should have more than one conversation between women...which isn’t about men” You explained.

Yuqi laughed, “Well, fuck me. You’re still telling me all about the hot boy you met this summer. The Bechdel test can sue me”

»»————-

Hyunjin was waiting for you by the forest trail, later that night. Liquid dripped from his lips as he sucked on a cherry, and he had a bunch in his hand.

He looked adorable, hands tucked into denim jeans, his hair pushed under a baseball cap. 

“Where did you get those?” 

He glanced up, a small smile on his lips, “Hey” 

He pulled into a half-hug because of how messy his hands were.

“Hey” 

His lips were redder than ever, juice from the fruit dripping down his neck. It did something to you, and you looked away, not wanting to relive your thoughts that overtook you at work. 

He bit into another cherry, “I picked them out earlier by myself. At first, I wasn’t sure how to know which ones are fresh, because back in Seoul, I just buy them from the 7/11 under our dorm, but I don’t know, there’s something truly satisfying about picking your own fruit, you know?”

“Wow. How will you ever adapt to living in the city again?” You laughed.

His eyes crinkled, “Very sadly”

“I got your flowers, by the way” You smiled.

His eyebrows shot up, “What flowers?”

“The daffodils…that you got me?” You laughed, looking up at him.

Hyunjin seemed confused, which confused you further, “Um…”

“You…weren’t the ones who sent me those?”

He shook his head, an unreadable expression on his face, “No, that…wasn’t me”

“Oh okay. Never mind... How long have you been waiting here?” You asked, wanting to change the topic because that was fucking awkward, tugging your tote bag higher up your shoulder.

“You’re not late. I just got here early” He explained.

“To pick cherries?”

“Nope, I just needed to get out of the house”

“Oh. How do you feel now?”

He sighed, biting into another cherry, “It could be much worse”

“Oh…”

“But, hey, at least my head doesn’t pound anymore” He joked, as you arrived at the Creek.

The moon was supposed to be bright tonight, according to the forecast you looked up, but clearly nothing was going to plan, and everything that had happened since this morning had been all kinds of unexpected. 

The water was enveloped in darkness, and it felt like you were looking out into nothing.

Yongbok had always fed you tales of the many elves, faeries, and sirens that lived in the deepest abysses of your town. Stories of otherworldly creatures that inhabited the depths of the Creek, which would only reveal themselves in the deep of the night, concealed in the shadows. 

Obviously you’d never seen one, but you weren’t stubborn enough to tick their existence off the list.

He had told you those stories many times before, and you didn’t believe them, not really. 

Still, staring out into the dark right now, you did feel a little on edge.

The water was mostly still, as all of the little streams led to this spot, pooling in this gorgeous area. You thought it was beautiful how every river across your town ended up in one place, bringing together each corner and story of Daejon - forming a whirlpool of the lived memories.

To be honest, if there were any chance of otherworldly creatures existing in the entire universe…they probably would be residing in the cool cerulean blue water of the Creek.

“What are you thinking?” His tender voice, calmer than the waters, pulled you out of your fantastical thoughts.

Looking up, you saw him stood by the edge of the cliff, on the same rock he had jumped off months before, but you didn’t know him back then. He was but a stranger to you at that time.

You did know him now, at least you think you did -- over the weeks of peeling every layer of what made up Hyunjin, you knew so much of what made him, him. 

“I was…just thinking about how Yeonjun is late” You told him, crossing your arms against the cold breeze.

Hyunjin’s lips curled up, “He’ll be here”

“I hope he didn’t ditch us” You stared back at the dark water.

Hyunjin laughed, “Of course not. I think he’s just running late”

“You seem fairly confident when you’ve known him for less than a week”

He chuckled, stepping closer to you, “We can get in the water. We don’t have to wait for him, you know?”

You swallowed, “Get in the water, like…just me and you alone...together...?”

“Yeah”

Hyunjin standing there right now, looking like this, did not help your emotions. 

Chocolate brown strands framed his face, grazing his cheeks, and the rest was pulled up into a bun, messy, uneven, so fucking attractive.

And even if all those tales Yongbok and the town-dwellers told you were false, Hyunjin was the closest thing to an ethereal, out-of-this-world, ripped straight out of a fantasy novel creature - that you'd ever see. 

If those stories had been written in today's age, they would probably all be about him.

The t-shirt you'd picked out this morning fit him far too well, the zipper stopping at his chest, burgundy sleeves hugging his arms and biceps just like you wish he would hug you.

You were surprised when you’d seen him in that, and you definitely hadn’t been subtle enough this morning. 

He tilt his head at you, “Is there a problem with that? If it's just you and me in the water, alone?”

Was there?

The hint of a smile made it's way onto your face, and you reached up to untie your halter top, and even the fiercest creatures in Daejon couldn’t intimidate you right now as much as he did, “No...there's no problem at all, Hyun"

His eyes fixated on you, as you slipped off the top, revealing the swimsuit you’d picked inside. Light-pink, it hugged your body far too tightly, but he didn’t seem to care. 

He stared at you, unabashedly, unashamed, as you kept the top to the side, with the rest of your stuff. His eyes flickered over your body, and then back to your face.

“Your turn” You told him, crossing your arms.

“Okay” He chuckled, reaching up behind his neck, to take off his shirt, and your pulse went frantic and you felt so silly.

Hell, you’d seen him shirtless only hours before, but it was never enough, and he looked so fucking pretty in the moonlight.

You reached for the button on your shorts, popping it open, and Hyunjin watched as you slipped them off your legs, stepping out of them. It was chilly tonight, and you bent down, to put all of your stuff inside your backpack, and you were so fucking excited to show Hyunjin what you’d been planning. He would love it so much—

“Jisung called me”

You looked up, “What?”

“Yeah” He released a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his hair, “Sorry. I’m ruining this moment”

“No...that’s okay. How is he doing?”

“As good as he can be right now, but...” He sat down on the rock, staring at the water, “I feel bad that I’m not with him”

“You’ll see him in a few weeks though, wouldn’t you?”

Hyunjin swallowed, “Yup”

You’d been expecting that Hyunjin would feel better after…what happened earlier this afternoon, but maybe it was naïve and stupid of you to assume that. You couldn’t change his life circumstances. You made him cum, you didn’t fix all the problems in his life. 

You felt defeated, because he certainly didn’t seem to be in the mood for this.

And why should he?

His best friend was going through shit, and he could do nothing about it. 

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” You asked.

Hyunjin glanced up at you, “Do what?”

“Swim. We don’t need to. I know you’re not in a mood to…we’re only doing this for me—”

“No, I wanna do this” He interrupted, “Did I…made you feel like I didn’t?”

“Maybe we can just wait for Yeonjun” You spoke, joining him on the rocks, “He must be close”

He nodded, crossing his legs on, “Yeah, he must be. So who do you think the flowers are from?”

You turned to him, pulling your knees to your chest, confused, “I don’t know. I…just assumed it was from you”

His face fell.

You smiled, to reassure him, “Don’t worry. They’re probably sent to the wrong person. Or maybe they’re consolation flowers for not getting the apprenticeship”

Hyunjin frowned at the mention of that, “Once I get back to Seoul, I’m definitely giving a piece of my mind to that shit company”

“What?” You laughed.

“They’re crazy to deny you” He expressed, turning to you, “Have you thought about…applying to another?”

You glanced at him, “Another program?”

“Yeah” He wrung his hands together.

You shrugged, staring at the dark water, “Not yet. I’m not proud enough of my work to send my portfolio again, and I’m…not really over the rejection”

“So, what, you’re gonna just give up?”

You shook your head, “No, of course not, Hyun. I’m just gonna take some time off”

“You can’t do that”

You frowned, the urgency in his tone unmistakable, “Why…? Isn’t it a good thing to take time to myself?”

“No, because-” He turned to you, grabbing your hand, “You’re so fucking good at what you do. Right now, there will be so many chances…and opportunities that you could get. Do you know how many companies I auditioned at before I got selected at Pegasus?”

Your face softened, unfamiliar with this urgency,  “No, I…didn’t know that, Hyun”

There was so much you still didn’t know about him.

Realisation sank into his face, “Yeah. Well, it was a lot. If I’d given up, do you think I’d still be here right now?”

So much you yearned to know.

Why did he choose to audition in the first place? What made him even go after this profession? 

And then more. Stuff about his life that didn't matter, or maybe it did.

Who was his first kiss? What was his favourite book? His worst heartbreak? The first girl he fucked? Your curiosity would rip at the seams and maybe it would never end, because the things you wanted to know about him were endless, and now that time was slipping away, it was the only opportunity to stop thinking and start asking him all of those things.

There was no point in dwelling on the what-ifs. 

Hyunjin was here now, and you would not hold back anymore.

“How do you do it?”

“Do what?” He glanced at you.

“Stay so fucking positive, despite everything. If I was in your place, I think the apprehension and fear would have killed me”

His lip tilted up, “It’s not always this way. This year is just not a good one for us. I guess because people are finally beginning to know who we are, it just invites so much more hate, and anger”

“I don’t understand people”

“I know” He sighed, “But for the amount of hate, the love we get...it cancels out all the bullshit”

Hyunjin spoke of love in so many ways, except one.

“Like…” You picked at the pebbles with your nails, lowering your voice, “Some people are so evil”

Hyunjin nodded, “Mmh, but let’s... forget about them tonight. For the time we have left, I don’t want you to spend it inside your head”

“The time we have left...” You repeated, and you would forget about those people tonight, because tonight was special, “I have a lot of things I wanna do with you”

“You do?” He looked at you, voice unsure.

“Yeah” You smiled, “You’re going to love it. There’s so much stuff that happens the end of summer, like the solstices festival, and I still have to teach you so many of my favourite techniques! So I...I was thinking that we could paint together—”

He swallowed, “Maybe we should just take it one day at a time, Y/N”

You stopped mid-sentence at his words, “Oh”

You were getting carried away.

Hyunjin sighed, realising what he’d said, “Because…I mean, you know…eventually, I’ll have to go-”

It just reminded you that this was so temporary.

Your thing with him was temporary — whatever that thing was.

Hyunjin would just walk out of your life, and his life would go on as it always did.

Was there a point to what all you had planned, if he was never going to see you again after that?

“Yeah I know” You interrupted, “Let’s get in the water”

“Y/N…” He spoke, reaching out to your cheek, “We came here for a reason, right? You love this place, and so you’d have a good-”

“I am having a good time” You stood up, standing by the edge, and you would.

Tonight was supposed to be special. 

He joined you, staring at the drop, arms crossed, “Are you gonna ask me to jump again?”

You laughed, “You’ve done it before”

He glanced at you, biting his lip, “Together?”

It wasn’t that scary, but this was only his second time here, and so you took his hand in yours, letting him grip you tightly.

And then you stepped forward into nothingness, stomach lurching at the sudden drop.

You’d jumped off this rock a hundred times before, but this time you still didn’t feel prepared. 

The cold water swallowed you both, and for a minute or what felt like hours, everything was blank.

It was black, and blue, and freezing, and you couldn’t see where he was, and your head pounded with the pressure, and for a second, you feared your worries would weigh you down until you couldn’t come up — 

But then Hyunjin pulled you up out of the water, holding you tight.

You gasped for breath, taking in fresh air, yet it still felt like all the oxygen had left your lungs, because he was touching you so close.

Hyunjin shook his head, to get the hair and water out of his eyes, “Fuck. The water’s fucking freezing”

“It is” You shivered, drifting closer into his arms, to share in his body heat.

The water finally settled around, ripples from your jump dissipating, and if there were any creatures in the water they surely would have woken up by now.

“This is what you missed about Daejon? Freezing your ass off? I can see why you hate this town”

You laughed, loudly, gripping his shoulders, “Shut up. It’s nice if you let it settle”

His teeth chattered, and he was so dramatic because it wasn’t that cold. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him to you, “It’s better than a cold shower”

“What do you even love about this?” He asked you, “It’s better in the morning. It’s warm and I don’t get hypothermia—”

You grabbed his chin, making him look up.

He did, mouth parting, in awe of the view.

The stars had never been as bright as they were tonight, and he sucked in a sharp breath, “How is it so clear? It’s…even better than the hills”

“There’s no lights here, so you can see them much clearer”

Hyunjin’s gaze stayed up to the sky, as he watched the stars twinkle.

“Shit, isn’t that gorgeous? I can see all the constellations from down here” He spoke, “Wait, I think I know that one. It’s Cassiopeia”

Your heart stung at the reminder, but you calmed yourself.

One day at a time.

Tonight would be great.

You tilt your body back, floating on the water, and Hyunjin held onto your waist, drifting with you in the cesspool of your lived memories.

Time felt like it stretched into hours, as you watched the stars move so slow, as the Earth spun, and Hyunjin’s fingers kept you rooted to reality, and your perception of everything was different here. 

You almost expected to look up, and be back in the past somehow, and the thought was terrifying because as much as you wanted things to be good again, it couldn’t happen at the cost of Hyunjin.

The stars blinked, disappearing every other second, reminding you of a memory you’d forgotten - you’d actually planned something for him, and you were going to miss it, because you were stupidly stuck in the past, when your present was already so perfect.

“Fuck” You straightened up, “We need to get out of the water”

There was something Hyunjin needed to see. 

And it had to be now.

“What?” 

“We might have already missed it” You immediately swam back to the bank, and Hyunjin followed, confused why you were getting out of the water so early.

“Missed what?” He laughed, as you lifted yourself out. The wind pricked your skin. You slipped on your flimsy top, and there wasn’t any time to wear your shorts and you can’t believe you fucking forgot about this.

How lost were you?

“Why are you getting dressed?”

“It’s…like your thing on the Château” You told him, grabbing his hand to drag him away from the water and into the woods, not wanting to spoil it anymore.

“What thing?” He stumbled after you, still dripping wet from your short-lived swim.

“The town lights on the hill. Remember you showed them to me?” You spoke, as you pulled him through the underbrush.

“I remember” He was confused, following as you ran through the clearing, into the denser part of the woods. The sound of crickets surrounded you, drowning your little gasps of breath as you ran through.

The leaves crunched under your hurried footsteps, pushing past the twigs in your way.

You hadn’t been there in a few years, but there was no better time to revisit.

He had to see, and he had to now.

He would love it, you know he would love it so much.

If anything in Daejon could make him feel grateful and happy, it was this place. 

“But where are we going?” Hyunjin almost whined, trying to keep up with you. He was much taller so it should have been easier for him, but he was still stumbling through, clearly not used to the wilderness and the city boy inside him was peeking out.

“We’re almost here!” You promised.

“Can’t you at least tell me—“

Your abrupt stop made him bump into you, and he put his hands on your shoulders to turn you around, “What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Did you step on-”

“I want you to close your eyes”

His eyebrows shot up, “What…?”

“Just…” You grabbed his hands, “Please listen to me and don’t ask any questions”

He laughed, amused but slowly closed his eyes, and you grabbed his warm hand in yours. You lead him deeper into the clearing, and he hesitated.

“Don’t make me fall into a ditch—”

“Just trust me, Hyun” You told him.

“I do trust you. I just don’t want to get hurt blindly walking through a forest” He asked, stepping over the leaves, and pebbles that he felt under his feet.

Your smile grew, as you finally made it to the clearing, a view prettier than anything in the entire universe.

You hadn’t come here in ages. 

You turned to face him, catching your breath, “Okay. We’re here”

“Where? Can I open my eyes now?”

You laughed, because Hyunjin was such a hopeless romantic, but he was so impatient too.

Amongst the Daejon woods, was a clearing, where the terrain was flat, and the woodland plants grew tall - a mix of orange and purple flowers, surrounded by thin weeds. 

But, the most beautiful part of this clearing, was what you’d brought him to witness. 

“You can open your eyes, Hyun”

Confusion painted his face, in the form of suspicious furrowed eyebrows, until he finally looked up, realising just why you brought him here.

His mouth fell open in awe, eyes widening, as he took in the scene.

“Oh my god”

Soft, twinkling lights illuminated the entire clearing.

A hundred of them, bright lights, flying above the canopy, like stars shining through the canopy.

Stars that flew around, bumping into each other, creating paths and patterns that could never be replicated even in constellations.

Fireflies.

Hyunjin’s eyes were lit up, mouth parted in amazement like never before, watching the little lightning bugs illuminate the dark woods.

“Oh my god” Hyunjin repeated, a chuckle of disbelief escaping him. He clutched his stomach tightly, as if he couldn’t believe he were here, turning a full circle to take in the view.

“There’s so many of them” He breathed.

A smile overtook your lips, voice soft, “Do you like it?”

He turned to you, pure adoration in his eyes, like a kid on Christmas morning, like a boy in love, but not with you, with what you’d done for him.

“How did you know they would be here?”

You shrugged, coyly, “A coincidence”

His gaze softened at your words, “You planned this”

“I did…I wanted to show them to you”

He looked up again, getting distracted in the way the fireflies flew above the canopy, “It’s so beautiful”

You swallowed, “I wanted to show them to you…before you have to leave. I thought it’d make you feel better, even if only temporarily. I know you’re having a hard time, and I just thought you should see this because—”

When you looked up at him, he was staring at you, not the fireflies anymore, an unreadable expression in his eyes.

His gaze pierced through you, and then flickered to your lips, “Thank you”

You swallowed, suddenly nervous as you looked up at him, “Earlier you said you wish you had a different life, and you’d be happier somehow and I want you to know that’s not true. You can be happy in this life, I know we still have a lot of time, but I don’t want to miss any moment—”

Hyunjin cut you off, pressing his lips to yours.

You let out a noise of surprise, as his arms gripped you, pulling your body closer to his. You stumbled into his embrace, immediately kissing him back. His chest was still glistening with water droplets, and his hair was dripping, sticking to your face, to your lips.

Cold, and wet fingers grabbed your cheek.

His mouth felt hot on yours, as he pressed his chest to yours, wasting no time in pushing his tongue into your mouth.

“Hyun-” You whined, pulling back an inch to breathe, but you didn’t want to breathe anything except his taste.

“I have to tell you something, Y/N” 

At first you thought you misheard him.

“W-what?” You paused.

He kissed you again, holding your face in his hands, “It's...very important”

His voice was suddenly heavy with emotion, and you realised that no you did not want to know.

You’d push your curiosity to the side, and fuck that, because you didn’t want to know anything that would break your heart, and what Hyunjin was going to say definitely would.

“I don’t wanna know. Not now. Just kiss me, please”

Hyunjin’s gaze softened, “Are you sure?”

“Please” You pressed your mouth to his, “I just want you right now”

“Y/N…” He breathed, against your lips.

It was hard to speak, and you didn’t even know what you were feeling at the moment, “I just want tonight to be perfect, and I want you so much”

“Okay” He breathed, pulling your face back to his, and you kissed him, trying to erase everything he was going to say, and this could have been a beautiful moment but perhaps you weren’t the only self-destructive one.

Perhaps it was far too perfect for Hyunjin to handle, and that’s why he was trying everything he could to destroy it, but you wouldn’t let him.

So, you kissed him, until you both sat on the grass, and your knees touched the forest floor. He was on his knees too, holding you to him, hands clutching your face to still have the semblance of control. 

You kissed him until the pebbles and rocks under you stopped hurting, leaving imprints on your skin forever just like he had.

You kissed him until he’d swallowed all your tears, and until denial tasted just like the cherries he had sucked on. 

You kissed him until he was hard, and he mumbled, “Baby...”

He pressed you to the floor, crawling on top of you.

He never broke the open-mouthed kiss, and everything was so wet, with your spit, with the water from the Creek that still hadn’t dried off, with your soaking underwear. 

His weight on top of you was new, and it was unfamiliar, and you don’t know when it would ever happen again, so you tried to memorise it. Your hands sifted through his freshly-cut hair, and it remind of you this morning, and of how beautiful he’d looked, and how different things were.

Hyunjin at seven am was so different from him now.

You wanted to learn him, and discover who he was at every hour of the day. 

Hyunjin’s hands grabbed yours, and in a single move, he pinned them over your head, taking control of you.

Your hands pressed into the grass, and the rocks, and you were at his complete mercy.

“I…couldn’t focus on work today because of you” You complained, when he pulled back to breathe.

“What were you thinking about?” He whispered, kissing the corner of your mouth, pushing his knee between your legs.

“Fuck” You mumbled, and his other hand dropped to your stomach, holding your body down, and it was so fucking sexy you couldn’t stop your whines, “About how pretty you look, about how big-”

He let out a groan, pushing his hardening cock against your swimsuit bottoms, “It’ll feel more perfect when I’m inside you”

Blood rushed to your head, and you tilt your head back, as he planted kisses all over your collarbone. His hand slid under your sweater, squeezing your tits in his hands as he grind against you.

You wanted to touch him, but he didn’t let you, keeping your hands at bay, and it was so fucking hot and you were so wet.

“This swimsuit…is so fucking adorable on you” He mumbled, fiddling with the strings of your bikini bottom, “Is it okay if I touch you?”

“Yes, yes, please”

Why was he even asking?

And then he pressed his fingers into your core, over the thin fabric, and you almost passed out at the touch.

“Fuck” You moaned, squirming, “Don’t tease me”

He nodded, swallowing your whimpers, “I won’t. I was just making sure you’re ready”

“I am” You all but begged.

“I know” He smiled against your lips, and true to his promise, pulled the waistband of your pastel-blue panties forward. 

You could still see the fireflies from here, the twinkling lights in the sky, and you wanted to remember how that looked, but Hyunjin was rolling his hips against yours, and you couldn’t focus on anything else.

You let out a loud moan, when his hand slipped inside your underwear, and he was so fucking sweet as he kissed your cheek, “Will you let me finger you now, baby?”

“M-”

“Y/N?” A familiar voice interrupted, echoing in the woods, and Hyunjin immediately stopped, pulling back to look at you.

“Did you hear that?” He asked you, eyes half-lidded.

You were so distracted by his dilated pupils that you didn’t register that someone was calling your name, and you would have chosen to ignore it, but Hyunjin was already standing up, pulling you to your feet.

“Y/N?” The voice sang again.

“Shit” You cursed, squeezing your eyes shut.

“Who is that?” Hyunjin asked, fixing the straps of your top, pushing them back onto your shoulders.

You ran your hands over your face, trying to gather your bearings, but your head was filled with a cloud of lust, “It’s…her”

His eyebrows shot up, as he tugged your sweater over your swimsuit, “Who?”

“Y/N?” The voice called out again, as footsteps ran out into where you were. 

She stopped, feet skidding against the dirt, as soon as she saw the two of you.

Hyunjin turned to her, eyes widening.

You flushed with embarrassment, because if you heard her…that means she definitely heard you moan.

She stood still, staring at the two of you, and it would almost be comical if you didn’t feel slightly ashamed. 

Her rose-gold hair was pulled up into two ponytails, a red swimsuit hugging her curves.

“You must be Hyunjin” She blurted, “I’ve heard so much about you”

“Oh” He trailed off, looking back at you, and you could see he was trying to restrain the hard-on in his swim-shorts.

You were still so lost, head fuzzy, because what was Hyunjin going to tell you before you interrupted him?

Yuqi looked apologetic, “Sorry I ran in here, I parked my car and then I saw your clothes out by the rocks, and I assumed the worst, like you never know what goes on in these woods, there could be some serial killer, and I literally fell asleep watching Friday the 13th last night, and if you’ve seen that, you’d know that—“

“I haven’t seen it” Hyunjin interrupted her.

“Oh. You should. It’s…nice”

“I don’t really like horror movies” 

“I’m Yeonjun’s sister” She added, an awkward smile.

“Ohh. You look like him”

“Yeah. Cause we’re related”

She looked around the glade, “Did she bring you out here to see the fireflies? I swear she and Felix are so obsessed with thi—”

“Where’s Yeonjun?” You interrupted.

“He’s already in the water” She jut her thumb back towards the water, “I’ll see you guys there!”

She ran back through the woods, and it’d be funny if you didn’t feel so frustrated. You and Hyunjin had horrible timing…or maybe it was fate’s way of saying you weren’t supposed to be doing this.

“She definitely knows what we were doing” Hyunjin spoke, softly, hand slipping inside his shorts to adjust, and you looked away.

“Yeah, but you can trust Yuqi. She…won’t tell anyone”

This was reckless. There were a lot of kids and groups from town that hiked in the woods, especially in the summer.

Hyunjin was already dealing with scandal upon scandal, he didn’t need you to make it worse.

His gaze fell to the floor, “I’m sorry for getting carried away. That was stupid”

You nodded, “Yeah. It was”

“We should be more careful” He mumbled, but you could see the frustration in his eyes as he began walking back.

You followed him, trying to calm your breathing, “It’s a good thing it was just her”

“I didn’t even know Yeonjun has a sister”

“Yeah, she lives in Busan” You told him.

“She has a car?”

“Yeah”

“I was going to rent one” He spoke, as you fell into step with him.

"You were?” You turned to him, “What do you need a car for?”

He shrugged, pushing through the rustling leaves, “I…got us tickets to something”

“Well, I’m sure Yuqi would let you have it for an evening. You don’t have to rent one”

“That sounds good” He nodded, shooting you a soft smile as you finally caught up to Yuqi and Yeonjun, who were already in the water. 

They were splashing each other already, asking you to jump in.

Hyunjin headed to them, but you reached out to him, “By the way, tickets for what?”

He laughed, looking sheepish, “Can that part still be a surprise?” 

»»————-

Fortunately for you, the curiosity about the surprise only lasted for a day.

“You’ve never seen Jaws?” 

“I’m not really a monster movie kind of guy” Hyunjin replied, arms crossed against his chest as Yuqi gaped at him, an almost comical expression on her face.

“Does that mean you’ve never seen Chucky either?”

“I happen to like dolls, and I don’t want to change that”

They’d only known each other a little more than a day, and were already comfortable enough with each other, thanks to the hours spent last night swimming and getting to know each other. 

“You’re fucking kidding me” She stated, then turned to you, “Where did you find this guy?”

“Leave him alone, Yuqi” Yeonjun replied before you could speak, and you laughed.

“No, because monster movies are easily the best genre!” She told Yeonjun, who’d already stopped listening, and was checking the tickets on his phone. 

The drive-in theater was busy tonight, as a crazy amount of families and couples had come out to watch the iconic screening of Jaws. 

Hyunijn had insisted that you come here tonight, another thing off your list that you’d mentioned to him, and the fact that Yuqi just happened to have a car — was a cherry on top of a perfect coincidence.

When they’d learnt of your plans, Hyunjin had been kind enough to let them come along with you, because he enjoyed their company as much as you did.

You don’t know why Hyunjin was rushing through the things, but you couldn’t complain. 

Every summer, cars would line up until Mrs. Erin’s noodle shop, and a huge projector and screen were set up, facing the woods.

They usually played the same movies on loop, so you’d already got tired of the the same blockbuster tropes. Being Yongbok’s friend, you had had no choice but to indulge in every single one of these films.

Still, tonight was different, because Hyunjin was here now.

Every time you came in the past, you would borrow Yuqi’s car since her pick-up truck had space in the back to squeeze all of your friends, with thick blankets and enough snacks to last double-features. Her truck was also ideal for star-gazing and movie nights like this. 

You stood leaning against it, in the minutes before the movie began. As of now, they were only showing previews and trailers, as everybody parked their cars.

“I’m not a fan of watching people get ripped apart” Hyunjin replied to her, his voice low.

“Can’t believe you’re a softie” She tilt her head, as if analysing him top-to-down. Hyunjin’s cheeks turned red at her scrutinising gaze and he turned to you, for help. 

He looked extra adorable today, in a white button-up shirt, and faded boyfriend-fit jeans.

You laughed, pushing the pebbles at your feet, “You’re on your own, Hyun”

He sighed, turning to Yuqi, “It’s not that I don’t enjoy the thrill, I just prefer to indulge in a different kind of …excitement”

“Yongbok must hate you” She laughed, “He’s obsessed with those movies. Have you two met yet?”

Your eyebrows shot up, and you saw Hyunjin stiffen. 

You spoke, before he could, “Um, yeah they have”

“How did he approve of you then?” She asked, eyes wide.

“Yongbok doesn’t have to approve of anybody” You rolled your eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. You two just don’t seem like you’d get along” She told him. 

Hyunjin’s expression was calm, and reserved as she said that. You realised that while you’d heard plenty of opinions from Yongbok about him, you had no idea what Hyunjin felt about him.

Hyunjin smiled, “He’s a cool guy. I’m sure if we hung out more, we’d get along”

His eyes landed on yours, and you agreed, “Yeah. I’m sure you would”

“So then what do you like? Don’t tell me you’re into that cheesy Notebook shit” Yuqi narrowed her eyes at him. 

“I’m sorry I just happen to have a more refined taste than you, Yuqi” Hyunjin replied, catching you and her by surprise as she gasped. You laughed, proud of how he’d already learned to deal with her.

“Okay. I see you, Hwang Hyunjin” She hummed, smiling at him.

“These tickets should get us a popcorn and soda combo. Is there anything else you need, guys?” Yeonjun asked, squeezing his phone back into his jeans pocket.

“That sounds good” You answered, “I can go get the snacks”

“No, me and Hyunjin will go” Yeonjun smiled, looping an arm around him, “Won’t we?”

Hyunjin smiled, shy gaze falling to the floor, “Yeah, of course”

They walked to the pop-up booths, and you and Yuqi hung back, watching the crowd filter in.

“He’s sweet”

“He is, isn’t he?”

“Where did you find him?”

You laughed, “I didn’t. Hana found him. Kind of”

“Where is she, by the way?” Yuqi asked, glancing up at you.

“I haven’t seen her since the party” You shrugged.

“Ah. The party Yeonjun went to?”

“The very same” You sighed, wanting to forget the nightmare Lakehouse party, “You and Hyunjin were talking a lot last night in the water. What about?” 

She waved a hand dismissively, “Oh. He was just asking me about Felix”

You turned to her, “Felix? What did Hyunjin want to know about him?”

“Just a lot of random things, it wasn’t an important conversation"

What random things? 

You searched the crowd for the boys, but your gaze landed on a recognisable silhouette, walking away from you, clutching a tub of popcorn tightly in his hands.

Light blonde hair that stood out in the crowd, and he was in a leather jacket, and there was a grin on his face. You’d missed seeing that so much.

He looked so different, yet so familiar, and your heart ached in the wake of all that familiarity.

“Oh, isn’t that him right there?” Yuqi asked.

“Yeah. It is”

“Aren’t you gonna go say hi?” She laughed, confused at your somber tone.

“Um. I should. I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Of course. Tell him I said hi!” She smiled. 

You walked over to him and you felt nervous, but you had to have this conversation sooner, than later.

“Lix?”

He turned around at your voice, eyes widening in happy recognition.

Immediately, he smiled, his entire face lit up, “Hey. It’s been a while since I saw you”

You hadn’t seen or talked to him in what felt like forever.

“I didn’t think you’d be coming tonight”

He laughed, “Why would I not? You know how much I love Jaws”

“Right. I…remember”

“What are you doing here?” He asked, stepping closer, to hear you better over all of the crowd, and the sounds of the previews.

“I…” You trailed, point to the projector, “The movie”

“Right. The movie” He laughed, tub of caramel popcorn in his hands and Yongbok hated caramel so you wonder why he was holding it this tight.

“Are you here alone?” 

“No, I came with Eunbi” He responded, gesturing to where she probably was, not that you cared for that right now.

“Oh”

He tilt his head, “Did you get the flowers, by the way?”

Your eyes widened, “You…sent me the flowers?”

He chuckled, “Did you hate them or something?”

“No. I...” You trailed off, unable to comprehend why Felix would send you flowers, of all things in the world, “I love them. They’re great...”

Was that his attempt at an apology?

“I’m glad” His eyes crinkled.

“Yuqi’s here” You blurted, wanting to not talk about this any longer, because it just made no fucking sense.

“Yuqi?” He laughed, seemingly not affected by your ignorance to his gift, “She’s back in town?”

“Yeah. She drove in last night”

“From Busan?”

“Mmh” You nodded.

“She’s still the same?”

You smiled, “Yeah. She is exactly the same”

He looked around, trying to spot the iconic red pickup truck, “So you’re here with them then?”

“Hyunjin too” You added.

Felix’s gaze changed, and he nodded, “Right. Of course”

“Yeah”

He took a step back, smiling, “I guess I should let you get back to him"

Felix looked so happy, so much like his usual self, you felt safe again and you had to ask, “What did you…want to say to me? The other night, when you texted me?”

He laughed, except it seemed forced, “Um, forget that. I was just tipsy, and I was missing you”

You recalled his texts, “No, you said you realised why you’d been acting this way. What way?”

“Well…” He tucked his hands in his pockets, and stepped even closer. Under the lanterns, his eyes sparkled in a way they hadn’t before. Was it because it had been weeks since you’d seen him this happy, or was it just that you’d never gone so long without him?

“I yelled at you, at the cabin, at the party. The one you organised, just for me”

“I remember”

He sighed, “I’m sorry about that. It was…uncalled for, and I was an asshole, for doing that to you, when all you’d been doing was trying to make sure I had a good night”

“Why are you apologising to me now? All of a sudden?”

He shrugged, “I’ve been wanting to for a while. I just couldn’t find the right time, and then earlier this week, I was actually thinking about us. About the cabin, and-”

“Felix…”

“Do you remember that summer?” He interrupted, and even though you’d spent every summer the same way, you somehow knew exactly which one he was talking about.

The summer Hana and Yeonjun started dating.

The same summer you promised Felix you’d never let anything get in between you.

How did he know that you were thinking of it too?

Was it because you and him had spent your entire lives around each other, and he knew you so well?

“Yeah. I remember” You nodded, “What about it?”

“I miss that. I’m really sorry for getting frustrated at you, and overwhelmed. I was upset because-"

“Because you what?"

He shook his head, “It wasn’t just because of Hyunjin”

“Then what?”

He sighed, “That’s not important. What matters is���I’ve been thinking about that summer a lot, and how it was probably the best one of my life. We snuck out to Jeju, do you remember that?”

“I do. Your parents got so mad”

“They did” He laughed, “Anyway, so I was thinking…we could go for a swim soon, right?”

“Why?”

He smiled, “It’s the season of the fireflies. Don’t you remember?”

Your heart crumbled at the memories. 

You and Felix used to go there, every summer, to play with the lightning bugs.

Was it you that ruined everything? 

Felix tilt his head at you, “You all right, Y/N?”

You swallowed, because it was time to tell him what you’d been feeling, “No. I…keep thinking about how things used to be, and I miss that”

His gaze softened, “You do?”

You had to be honest now, “Do you think too much has happened…that things can never be the way they were?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…Hana and Yeonjun will probably never talk to each other again, half of it feels like my fault”

He shook his head, insisting, “It’s not your fault. They just weren’t meant to be together”

“You believe that?”

“Yeah. When two people are meant to be, everything in the world brings them closer, not further apart”

“And…what about you and Yeonjun?”

He shrugged, a playful expression on his face, “Maybe…we can be friends again”

“Really?”

“I…honestly don’t even remember what I was mad at him for. For breaking up with her, for leaving us, it doesn’t matter”

“And…Hyunjin?”

His eyes shot up to yours, “What about Hyunjin?”

You swallowed, “You and him…do you think you can ever be friends with him again?”

He shrugged, “Does it matter? He’s…going to move back to the city, and I’m probably never going to see him again”

“Why?”

“I mean…with his job, it’s not like he’s going to be visiting every summer. So I don’t think it matters if me and Hyunjin get along or not. We’ll hardly ever meet”

You nodded, the sting of Hyunjin leaving hitting you again, but then something Minho had told you came back to you, “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, you can”

“When we were fifteen, you said you’d look for the boy from the shop, but you…never told me you found him. Why did you never tell me?”

Felix’s gaze fell to the floor, “It was..futile. It would just break your heart, Y/N”

“What do you mean?”

He stepped closer, clearly wanting to explain himself, and his voice was louder now, because the movie was beginning to play, “I didn’t want to give you false hope. When I found out who Hyunjin is, I also found out what he was doing…training in some big-shot company that would basically own his DNA if he debuted. And he did debut”

“So?”

“So…there would have been no point if you even knew his name, Y/N. I didn’t want you to get hurt. I thought I was doing what was best for you. I’m sorry I lied”

Your gaze fell to the floor, because of course he made some kind of sense, it’s not like Felix was an evil person who would keep such things from you for no reason. He cared about you, and so he did what he could to protect you, even if it was wrong, “So is Eunbi your girlfriend now?”

“Where would you get that idea?”

“Seonmi told me everything”

Felix laughed, “Seonmi told you what she thinks she knows. We’re just sleeping together”

“Right. I should go-”

He stepped up to you, closing the distance between you, “You asked me if things can go back to the way they were”

“Yeah?”

“Why do you want that so badly?”

You frowned, “What…what do you mean?”

“I mean…Hana was a bitch to you ever since Yeonjun left her. You wanna go back to that?”

Your eyes narrowed, “That’s not what I meant”

“Then what did you mean? Do you even know what you want go back to?”

“Of course I know, Lix”

“No, I think you like hurting yourself. Why are you always chasing after things you can’t have? Like that art internship in the city. Like…him”

Your eyes widened, and you stepped back, sneakers skidding against the dirt,  “How…how do you know about that?”

He sighed, “Is that really the most important thing right now?”

You squeezed your eyes shut, “I was here to fix things, not to fight again”

Felix let out a breath, reaching out to grab your hand, but you stepped back.

“We’re just having a conversation, Y/N, I’m sorry if it makes you feel like I’m fighting you. Trust me, the last thing I want to do is to fight you”

“Then what are you even saying?” You mumbled, “Why don’t you want things to go back to the way they were? Don’t you want us to be friends again, Yongbok?”

“No, I don’t, Y/N”

“What?” Your eyes shot to his, because you hadn’t expected him to say that, “You…don’t wanna be friends with me anymore?”

His gaze fell to the floor, and he seemed nervous, until he looked back up at you, “I don’t think this is the best place for this conversation”

“No, Yongbok, if you’re cutting me out of your life-”

His eyes landed on someone behind you, “I’m sorry. I can’t have this conversation with you right now. I’ll see you later”

“What...?” You watched him walk away, heart sinking.

“Before you say anything, I tried my best!” Hyunjin laughed, and you turned around. He stood with Yeonjun, snacks in hand, smiling wide. 

“Tried your best on what?” You asked, a lump in your throat after that entire conversation.

“There were way too many candies at the stall. I didn’t even know there’s that many flavours of gummy bears” Hyunjin noted, and then extended a packet towards you, “So I got you guys a mix of them”

“Oh...thank you” You fought a smile, following them back to the truck. Yuqi had spread out all of the blankets, to make enough space for the four of you in the back.

“That’s perfect” Yuqi reached out, taking the pack of candy from Hyunjin, “A gummy bear orgy is just what we need”

“Gross” Yeonjun sniffled, climbing into the truck, crawling over to get comfortable.

You grabbed the tub of popcorn, balancing it on your lap so Hyunjin could hop into the back too. He slid in next to you, pressing you to the side, and you pulled the blanket over yourselves. 

“Are you comfortable?” He glanced at you, leaning into your ear to talk because the movie had already began.

“Yeah” You manoeuvred your legs over his, entangling them. His arm wrapped around your shoulders, pulling you closer, and it was easier to forgot about the conversation with Felix with his arms around you.

He smiled, dimples appearing, “Warm enough?”

“Yeah” You smiled, not wanting to ruin yet another night, “Don’t worry about it”

“The movie’s starting guys, save the pillow talk for later!” Yuqi whisper-yelled, leaning over to look at you.

“Okay, okay” You laughed, bringing your knees up to your chest, letting yourself get comfortable.

“Is the opening scary?” Hyunjin whispered in your ear to not disturb the others.

“A bit”

“Man” He mumbled, sinking deeper into the blanket, and it was cute how he tried to make himself smaller, “I’m definitely going to embarrass myself tonight”

“Why?” You laughed.

“I might scream” He mumbled, as onscreen a girl went out for a late night swim, while her boyfriend stayed on the beach. You, of course, knew what was coming next. 

“You can hold my hand, if it makes you feel better” You told Hyunjin, and he glanced at you, wondering if you were being serious.

“Are you making fun of me already?” He narrowed his eyes at you.

“Of course not” You smiled, reaching over to grab his hand, pulling it into your lap. 

“Is the shark gonna come now?” Hyunjin tensed up, as the music in the movie got louder, and he squint his eyes, preparing himself for a jump-scare. 

He squeezed the life out of your hand when the shark attached the girl. You watched with bated breath, as people in the drive-in theater started cheering, making you laugh. He was focused on the film with unparalleled focus, even though he pretended he hated it.

“You’re so fucking cute” You blurted, already feeling so much better, mid-way through the movie.

He looked at you, eyes still narrowed, “You’re enjoying my misery”

You laughed, “I am, but only because you look adorable” 

He pouted, eyes wide, “Why did I want to do this again?”

“Because you’re the sweetest boy in the world” You hummed, wanting nothing more than to kiss him, but you couldn’t, not here. Instead, you settled for staring at his plush lips.

It seemed like he was thinking of the same thing, because his gaze dropped to your lips, and he mumbled, “Y/N…We can’t. Not here…”

You were in public, surrounded by tons of families, and Hyunjin couldn’t engage in PDA like this, ever. After everything that was happening with Chan and Jisung, he couldn’t risk anything of this sort.

“Sorry” You bit your lip, moving back.

His eyes were half-lidded as he stared at you, “It’s fine. We just…have to be careful about this”

This. He acknowledged it, and that made you happier than you thought it would.

It wasn’t just mistakes, or built-up tension, or lust that had pulled you two together.

It was purposeful.

And you had to be careful about it now.

You felt lost in his daze, “Can I come over after this?”

“Actually. Could I come to your place instead?”

“Oh, of course”

“My place is just a mess” He laughed.

“I don’t really care. We can still go—”

“Let’s just meet at yours” He insisted.

“Of course” You settled back, a little confused.

You tried to focus on the movie, and you almost did, for a good five minutes before Hyunjin spoke up again, “It’s not that I don’t want—”

“Can you pass me the pop soda, Hyunjin? This fucking kernel is stuck in my throat, and it feels like I'm deepthro-” 

“Yuqi!” You interrupted her, “Why would you put that image in my head?”

She laughed “Just give me the soda, please”

Hyunjin blinked, looking back at her, “Shit. We… forgot to get that”

Her eyes widened, disappointing flashing through, “Oh. That’s okay. I’ll just go get some”

She stood up, the truck creaking under the sudden weight.

Hyunjin sat up too, pushing the blanket off himself, inviting cold air onto your legs, “No, that’s okay. I’m the one who forgot. You’ll miss the movie”

She shook her head, “I’ve seen it before. I’ll come with you, I’m already up” 

Hyunjin shot you a smile, “See you in a bit”

You nodded, watching them walk off, hurrying towards the food stands, so they didn’t interrupt the other cars' views.

Yeonjun bit into the leftovers popcorn, shifting closer to you, “More for us”

“You’re right” You laughed, reaching into the tub to eat some.

“Are you having a good time?” He asked.

You smiled, “Yeah. I am. How are you feeling now?”

“Yuqi’s a good distraction” He laughed, “She’s been taking care of me”

“She’s amazing”

“Can I ask why we’re here?”

“What do you mean?”

He laughed, gesturing to the drive-in theater, “I mean, you haven’t come here in ages, and then Hyunjin bugs us about doing a movie night literally the next day…even though he clearly hates the movie playing”

You stretched your feet out, “Yeah. We’re…checking off a list”

“A list?”

“Of stuff I love about Daejon. He thinks it’ll help me feel better”

“I don’t understand why you two don’t just…date” He laughed.

“It’s impossible, Jun” You bit your lip, “Especially right now”

“Yeah. I know” Yeonjun spoke, “Did he tell you what happened with Jisung? There’s going to be some big lawsuit, I heard, against the company”

“What?” Your head snapped to his, “Did he tell you that?”

“Some of my friends at work were discussing it, when I was on the video call earlier. Hyunjin didn’t tell you?”

“No…he didn’t mention that”

Yeonjun sighed, “It’s probably really shitty for him, to watch his friend go through that”

“I can’t even imagine what Jisung would be feeling” You stared at the screen, zoning out of the movie already, even though it was gearing up towards some of the iconic scenes.

“What’s taking them so long?” He wondered, “They’re missing the best parts”

You glanced around, but you couldn’t spot them anywhere, “They must be on their way. Are you missing your emotional support Yuqi?”

He rolled his eyes, “As if you aren’t missing your emotional support Hyunjin”

You laughed, “I can go check. Maybe they’re picking gummy bears again”

You made your way through the cars, as the movie continued playing in the background. 

Yuqi was walking back to you, soda in her hands. Why was she alone?

You looked around the parking lot, but you couldn’t see him anywhere.

“Hey” She shot you a smile, meeting you in the middle, “I finally got it out of my throat. Man that was so uncomfortable”

You laughed, “You...are so entertaining”

“I know” She grinned, grabbing your arm to lead you to the truck, “Come on, let’s go. I miss my dumbass brother”

“But where’s Hyunjin?” You asked, stopping her.

Yuqi sipped the soda, “Oh, he was right behind me. I’m sure he’s on his way”

“But the two of you went together. Is everything okay?

She glanced at you, but her voice was too cheerful to be authentic, “Of course. Why wouldn’t it be? I'm sure he’s fine”

Why did it feel like she was hiding something from you?

You narrowed your eyes, “Yuqi...tell me the truth, please”

She sighed, “He said he’ll join us in a minute. He told me to go back to the truck! Why would I question him?”

“You go back to the truck. I’ll go wait for Hyunjin” You dropped your arm from her grip, walking back over to the food stands. 

“Wait!” Yuqi made a noise resembling a grumble, and ran after you.

What if he got a call from the city, what if he wasn’t okay?

He wouldn’t just walk out of the movie like that.

The noise of the film carried across the entire area, and it was so loud now, the music swelling and escalating as the film geared towards another jump-scare. 

Frightful and excited cheers echoed through the parking lot, and your heart was pounding, from the bass of the speakers, and from the fear of not seeing him anywhere.

Where could he have gone?

You turned the corner from the dumpling stall, looking over towards the restrooms but the line stretched long, and he wasn’t there either.

You turned around to her, “Did he seem okay?”

Yuqi was cursing, wiping her shirt, “Fuck, I spilled my soda!”

You stepped forward, voice softening, “I’ll get us tissues on the way back, but Yuqi...was Hyunjin oka-”

Then you heard him.

Towards the exit, under the huge drive-in sign, were two silhouettes.

Hyunjin and Yongbok.

You were so far away, but you could see that they were in a heated discussion, of some kind.

“Do you know what that’s about?” You asked her, a lump rising in your throat.

Her eyes were wide, and she shook her head, “No, but Hyunjin told me—”

“They’re arguing...”

“Y/N, let’s just go back” Yuqi spoke, pulling at your arm.

You’d never seen Hyunjin like this. He seemed so overwhelmed, hand over his face as Yongbok talked to him about something.

You pulled your arm away from her grip, walking over to them, and they were so engrossed that they didn’t even notice you coming.

“When the hell are you gonna tell her?” Yongbok was saying, “After you were already gone-?”

“Yongbok” Hyunjin mumbled, breathing into his hands, “Please... try to understand”

He grit his teeth, “I don’t have to understand shit, Hyunjin” 

“What is going on?” You asked, but your voice came out shaky and you thought you’d cry. 

What the hell were they talking about?

You felt sick to the stomach, as they turned to you, like they’d been caught...

Hyunjin’s eyes widened, “Y/N”

You stepped closer, footsteps steady despite the absolute storm brewing inside your heart, “Tell me what...? Is everything okay, Hyunjin?”

Hyunjin looked defeated, as he stepped over to you, “I need to talk to you”

»»————-

⇐ masterlist ⇒

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Crosshair, Omega, and the Hidden Horrors of Tantiss

Crosshair and Omega going home might've saved them from experiencing more of Tantiss' horrors, but "Infiltration" and "Extraction" remind us that these two still have so much unspoken trauma. They've told us only the surface level of what happened to them and I think we'll finally start getting answers in the coming weeks. I also have a new theory regarding Crosshair's hand.

Major spoilers below

A lot of people commented on how Omega feels like she's hiding something. Her smile doesn't reach her eyes and she feels distant. Our sweet sunshine child is no longer in the bright sun. She kept putting up a brave face because Crosshair needed it. He needed someone to help him push through the darkness. But underneath, Omega is suffering. We see her routine and the monotony of it in "Confined." Months and months of that leave marks that we can't see. She isn't being physically hurt, but the separation from her brothers, the routine, Crosshair's broken spirit, and Hemlock breathing down her neck have all gotten to her. She is tired and is doing the best she can with the hope she has. Her hope, Crosshair, and Batcher were the only things keeping her from falling into despair. But that can only last for so long and thankfully, she made it. But that doesn't mean it didn't impact her.

During "Infiltration," the way Omega spoke to Rex dug deep. There's something she's not telling us. She looked sad, scared, and broken. The look on her face when she mentions herself as part of Hemlock's experiments hurts. I bet they did more to her than we realized. I bet there's much more going on with her in general. She also carries a lot of survivor's guilt due to her escaping when so many didn't. Worse, she left them behind. That doesn't sit right with Omega because she knows what the Empire is doing to the Clones. They're not just there getting blood drawn, something far sinister is happening.

I think in the next few weeks, we will start hearing Omega open up more to her brothers. Michelle Ang said in an interview I think that Omega worries her presence will endanger her brothers. She needs to talk to them. I know personally what happens if you keep stuff in. You don't want to let that stuff fester and I think if we want to see our girl truly happy again, she needs to confide in her family. Crosshair, Hunter, Echo, and Wrecker won't let anything happen to her. They love her so much.

We're also finally starting to get answers as to what happened to Crosshair. But like Omega, he's not fully open either. Crosshair explains to Rex and the others that Hemlock tried to turn him into a clone assassin, a process which involves erasing their identities and going through intense conditioning. Hemlock himself states that Crosshair resisted this "reeducation." But that's all we get about it. Like Omega, Crosshair isn't telling us the full story. We don't know what reconditioning implies or how Hemlock erases identities of the clones. They even come with a tracker that can't be found with normal technology.

I definitely think that Crosshair will also begin to open up more in the next few episodes. He's tied to the Clone X story now so I know we will be getting answers soon. I also think Crosshair's bad hand is tied to the Clone X program. What if his hand started shaking as way to get him out? If he can't function, then Hemlock wouldn't have use for him. Crosshair also knows that they wipe identities. What if Crosshair did have his identity wiped and his hand is shaking as a result of that? He fought Hemlock's programming. But at what cost? His mental scars are there, but there's more than he's letting on. Crosshair is not ok; he may have come to terms with Mayday and his brothers, but his trauma from Tantiss is still there.

In "The Return," he says "I was a prisoner, not much else to tell." Except that's not the case; he was avoiding talking about his trauma with the program. Seeing the clone assassin frightened him and whatever is to come in the next few weeks will be emotional for sure.

Edit: to add to this, Crosshair says that being defective is part of his nature. Now, he could just be making a remark, but what if there’s more? What if Crosshair’s mutations helped him resist the reconditioning?

[kunasthiast]

Sanctuary

Life comes by so fast that you just can't process everything all at once. But even when a year already passed, have you already come to terms with it? After all, acceptance is the last stage of our grief, right?

a/n: i am soooo sorry for the long wait and for this new one sksksk – i've been rotting reading and watching angsty stories that this is one i've came up with! but but but, i'll make sure to publish the ones i've been promising to publish by this week haha i just finished my junior year in uni & everything's just been so stressful wOAH

okk enough about that, i hope you'll enjoy this one <333

Pairing: Sukuna x Reader (female) Genre: angsty, No Curses!AU Word Count: 1,679 All characters are of age.This story is 18+. Minors don't interact.

Life just gets the better of you sometimes. Drag you through the mud, not knowing when you can resurface from all those frustrating emotions. It’s just heartbreaking.

But, when we’re in our worst, it’s when we meet the people who’ll stay with us. Yet, the worst thing about this is that they’re only temporary.

He was the best person that ever happened to me. He was there when I was in my lowest of the lowest part of my life. He was my sanctuary. He was the the one that got away. He was my red. He was my everything.

Until he wasn’t.

—

This was the last section you wrote in your journal from years ago. Looking back on it, you realized a lot of the memories, unsaid feelings, and regrets you’ve had in that part of your life.

Closing the journal, you stood up from the chair you’ve been sitting on for the past hour. This is ridiculous, why am I reading this again? You thought.

A ring tone from your phone cut your train of thoughts. Walking towards your phone, you saw a missed phone call from your pink-haired nephew. With a sigh, you hit the call button to ring him this time around. You unknowingly shed a tear as you get lost in the phone ringing.

When your nephew’s voice came through the line, it brought a small, bittersweet smile to your face. “Oh, good thing you called me back, auntie!” Yuji’s voice really brings brightness and cheerfulness everytime he speaks, a stark contrast to your somber mood. Getting no response from you, he continued, “I just wanted to ask you what time you’ll be going today? Oh, and if you’d like me to have a sleep over there at yours this week?”

You released a soft chuckle at this and looked at the clock hanging above your doorway, “Sure, I’d love to have you here with me, Yu! I’ll be there by 3PM.” You walked towards your bedroom to pick out the clothes you’ll be wearing for today’s occasion.

“Okay, gotcha on this, auntie! I’ll give the fam a heads up, so we can catch you there,” Yuji cheerfully said on the other end of the phone, leaving you give off a small smile. “I’ll hang up now, see you there, Yu.”

As you dropped the call, you went back to looking for the outfit you’ve been planning on wearing for the past few days now. You changed into your outfit and got ready before picking up your car keys, leaving your house.

Driving through the familiar streets, nostalgia came crashing like a tsunami. All bittersweet and vivid, everything just happened so fast that until now you can’t process it properly. You’ve never seen the therapist since then as well. What have I been doing? This thought lingered to you heavily.

The afternoon sun cast long shadows as you pulled into the parking lot, taking a lot of moment and breath to ready yourself before stepping out of the car. The weight of the day pressed down on you, yet you still forced yourself to move forward, knowing that this visit was something you needed to do. To accept it.

Threading the path towards Sukuna’s grave, his laughter echoed in your mind. The bittersweet memories of him talking about how you’ll both die of old age. Yet, in this lifetime, he went away early just a year ago.

As you reached his headstone, you knelt down and placed the bouquet of flowers you had bought earlier. The sight of his name etched in the stone was a painful reminder of the reality you are still struggling to accept.

“Hey, love, it’s already been a year,” you whispered as your voice was trembling. Your eyes began to blur as tears formed and dripped down your cheeks. “I miss you a lot.” The wind rustled the leaves, as if the world was offering a gentle response to your words. Knowing that it’s fall, your and his favorite season, you watched the leaves gently fall around you. You knelt there in silence, letting the memories of your husband wash over you. The days you spent together, memories of the love you shared all came rushing back.

Sukuna was always red, the liveliest color you’ve ever known. From his personality, his joy, his laughter, his teases, his jokes, his dreams, his kisses, to his love for you. Everything’s red. The liveliness caught onto you when he first met you at the park, when you were at the lowest of your low. When he offered you an ice cream out of nowhere. It’s a bit strange to accept that from a stranger, sure, but you were not in the moment to deny this comfort food. And he just sat there in silence as you both lick onto your ice creams. It happens everytime he sees you at the park, until you’ve both started talking with each other. He became your sanctuary for years. 

Yet, in the blink of an eye, Sukuna became blue. Everything he once was turned to blue. And it all happened just a year ago. His sudden absence left a void that you couldn’t fill. The vibrant red color that he embodied faded to a somber blue, marking the moment he was taken from you by the world. He made your world bright and colorful.

Looking at his headstone, there is an overwhelming sadness mixed with the beautiful memories of your husband. The pain of losing him was still so fresh, but so was the warmth of the moments you shared. The way he would laugh boisterously at your clumsy self and corny jokes, the way he would hold you close as if you’re going somewhere, and the way he would whisper sweet endearments in your ear – these memories were all you had left.

“You know, I still think about why did it have to be you, love. It may sound bad, but why couldn’t it have been the other driver?,” you murmured as your fingers traced the letters of his name etched in the cold stone. This thought lingered in the air, unanswered and haunting. The accident that took him from you was so sudden, so unexpected. But then again, there is no accident that isn’t sudden, right? The questions plagued you for months until now. What if he had taken a different route? What if he had left a few minutes later?

Cutting you from your deep thoughts, you heard someone calling for you. “Auntie! I’m here,” Yuji called out as he came running towards you. You looked at him, and well, tears had to show up again since Yuji resembles your husband a lot, considering that he was his uncle. His pink hair, the shape of his eyes, even the way he smiled – it was as if a piece of Sukuna still lived on through him. 

Yuji reached you and gave you a tight hug, his youthful energy and warmth momentarily lifting the heavy weight in your heart. “I brought flowers,” he said, holding up Sukuna’s favorites, chrysanthemums. 

“Thanks, Yu,” you whispered as you took the flowers and placed them beside the ones you brought. Yuji knelt beside you, his presence comforting. “I miss him too, you know,” he said softly. “Even with the constant teasing, he always takes me out for my favorite pastimes and telling me all sorts of tips and his cool stories in boxing.”

You nodded, tears blurring your vision again as you remember just watching Sukuna tell Yuji stories everytime your nephew sleeps over your house. Those nights always ended with your husband playfully wrestling Yuji, their laughter filling the air. “Yeah, he was always there for you,” you softly said. 

“Your the reason we didn’t decide to have a kid, you know? He used to say how you were just too naughty,” you jokingly added to lighten up the mood. Yuji laughed at this, his eyes twinkling with the memory.

“He really said that?” Yuji asked, a grin spreading across his face.

“Every time you left,” you replied, smiling through your tears. “He’d always talk about how much he enjoyed having you around. You were like the son he never had.”

Yuji’s laughter faded into a thoughtful silence, and he placed a hand on your shoulder. “He meant a lot to me too, Auntie. He was like a second father.”

You both sat there in silence for a while, the wind rustling the leaves around you. The sun was beginning to set, casting a warm, golden glow over the cemetery. The pain of losing Sukuna would never fully disappear, but having Yuji by your side made it a little more bearable.

As the day turned to dusk, the sky painted in the hues of pink and orange, you felt a gentle peace settle over you. Breaking the silence, you finally said, “He always believed in living life to the fullest, he wouldn’t want us to be sad forever.”

Yuji nodded, his cheerful and bright face turned to a somberly one. “Yeah, he’d want us to keep going. We’ll get through this, auntie.”

“Thanks for being here, Yu,” you said softly as you squeezed his hand. “Anytime, auntie,” he replied with a steady, reassuring, and comforting voice.

“I’ll see you again soon,” you whispered, placing a kiss on your fingertips and pressing them against the cold stone. Standing up, you both took one last look at Sukuna’s headstone. The wind blew gently, rusting the leaves once more, as if in agreement. You brushed off the dirt from your clothes and gave Yuji your car keys. Walking back to your car in silence, side by side with Yuji, the weight of the loss seemed a little lighter. 

In your heart, you know that Sukuna will always be with you. That he’ll be guiding over you. He will always be there with his ice creams, laughs, kisses, and hugs in your memory.

Despite this loss, you know that in another lifetime, it will always be you and him, growing old together.

[inbarfink]

I already talked about, like, the Obvious Symbolism of Simon reaching his lowest point literally dressed like the Ice King and then gradually gets back to his old outfit as he starts climbing out of his depressive spiral, at least somewhat.

But it’s also really interesting, maybe even more interesting, how Fionna’s outfit has been gradually shifting and changing with basically every adventure.

My first thought was that it really shows Fionna coming into her own as a character. The more she grows and also the more character development she gets - the more the audience learns to see her as more than just Girl Finn - the more her outfit moves away from just being a slightly girlier version of Finn’s classic look and into being its own thing. 

Because Fionna is her own character. 

But my second thought was more about the first time Fionna’s classic outfit got an update in this series.

This wouldn’t really relate to my first reading, since it just kinda makes her outfit closer to Finn. But it does relate to the most important Theme that her character arc revolves around - Fantasy versus Reality.

Fionna starts out the story interacting with the idea of magical adventure and heroism via the lens of fantasy. She compares everything to video games and just thinks about everything in terms of it being cool and fun and she literally tries to chase down a person from her dreams.

And her mindset was probably only reinforced by discovering she was literally created to be the Main Character in God’s little fantasy universe literally created out of self-indulgence for his silly little stories.

And because of that, she starts out the story with a huge Protagonist-Centered-Morality blind spot where she can’t recognize when she and Cake are in the wrong

And she rushes into action and violence just thinking it’s ‘cool’

And, like, in general acting without thinking of the consequences.

And at basically every step of this adventure, these kinda actions clashed against the reality of her situation. And it all started when she pointed out to her own creator that the outfit he designed for her is cute - but extremely unrealistic for an adventurer like herself

And from there we move to Fionna experiencing more and more of the harsh consequences of assuming everything should fit into her fantasies of heroes and villains 

And that she should punch first and ask questions later 

And in general that it’s always better to trust her guts over her head. 

And with every one of her experiences, the bright and adorable outfit that is a reminder of her origin as God’s Most Self-Indulgent OC gets tweaked in more way - turning it into something that looks a lot more, for the lack of a better word, gritty. And also turning it further and further away from the outfit of her own literal fantasies.

And all of these horrible traumatic experiences and the general dangers of the magical and very different world she’s in have all weathered down Fionna’s original optimism and eagerness and brashness that originally defined her and turned her terribly overprotective and scared instead. And it really reminds of how Simon’s own trauma weathered him down. 

Turning him from a kind man with a passion for adventure and the fantastical and a powerful parental instinct to a miserable jerk who aches for mundanity and made a little girl cry

Until he got to his very lowest point.

So I’m guessing next up for Fionna is getting to see her regain some of her old identity that the Trauma has been tearing away at - getting back some of that cheerfulness and brash attitude and adventurous spirit. Because while it has put herself and her teammates and others in serious troubles - it’s also been a huge help at other times (especially as she's a good counterbalance to Simon ‘slow but dependable’ Petrikov)

She needs to find the balance, learning the lessons from her multiverse adventure without losing all the things that made her Fionna Campbell in the first place.

And I wonder if this development is gonna be paralleled with a return of some of the more ‘classic’ elements of her look - or if her outfit is instead going to diverge farther?

[wardenparker]

Bright Lights & Broken Dreams - pt 1

Dieter Bravo x female reader Co-written with @absurdthirst​

Rating: E for Explicit! 18+   Word Count: 19.6k Warnings: Drug and alcohol use (duh, it’s Dieter), mentions of dieting/food concerns, past pregnancy scare, young Dieter being a bit sleazy, the absolute sass of these two, emotional damage, self-doubt, puppy love, vaginal sex, protected sex, workplace quickie, one very determined slap, yelling/arguing, anger, mention of addiction. Summary: Taking a new film project at the last minute puts you in immediate proximity with the one man you swore you would never work with again - your old flame, Dieter Bravo. Notes: This story contains flashbacks! Nobody is underage, but it’s worth giving you a heads up, lovely reader, because this story jumps around in time.

It doesn't matter how many times you do this, each table read for a new project is always exciting. The feeling of giddiness starts in your toes and rolls all the way through you to the top of your head. It has you up and awake and ready to go this morning even without the coffee that is piping hot in your travel mug as you pull your car into one of the designated spots behind the soundstage in the studio lot. Ten years in Hollywood have been good to you - really good, if you're honest. And the years on Broadway had been amazing before that.

You've never taken for granted how impressive your resume is or how upward your career continues to climb, and that includes days like today. The studio had asked for you specifically, your agent said on the phone last night. Some timing issue with the original star that the director wanted and the producers were jumping on it to bring you in instead. No audition necessary, all contract terms agreed to with no questions asked. She even managed to negotiate a slightly higher salary for you than usual. Your best paid project to boot and it will be a character-driven drama. Surefire Oscar nominations. Everyone is over the moon about the project, she said. The only thing she didn't know was who you were playing opposite. Doesn't matter, you had told her cheerily. I'm a professional.

For the most part, the cast has arrived already when you walk into the room. There are some faces you recognize and some that you don't, but everyone is chatting merrily as they set themselves up at the table. Your coffee and water, pencil and highlighter all neatly frame the shooting script that the production assistant sets down in front of you when he also sets down your name tag - letting the other people in the room know who you are and who you're playing in the film. There's only one empty seat with five minutes left before the reading is set to begin, and you're busy replying to an e-mail about a public appearance to see the name on the tag of the person who will be sitting directly across from you.

Dieter Bravo.

******

Wincing behind his sunglasses, Dieter stumbles towards the conference room that has been designated for the table read. Unable to fathom why they insist on doing these damn things so fuckin' early. It's not like there's a scene that's going to be shot right after. Groaning, he reaches into his pocket to pull out the bottle where his aspirin, antacids and speed are all mixed together like a colorful little surprise every time he shakes some into his hand. "Goddamn." He huffs, popping a handful of them into his mouth, heedless of what they are and takes the already opened bottle of water that his long suffering assistant is holding out to him as she tries to hurry him along the sharply lit hallway. "Which one is this?" He asks, unsure of exactly what table read he is walking into. He barely pays attention to what his agent books for him anymore, just as long as he is working and there are the drugs he needs supplied, he is fine with whatever at this point.

"The working title is Ego Death." His assistant tells him, though she knows that isn't actually the question he's asking. 'It's the one filming partially in London and France." What he wants to know is where he's going. Where his partial vacation is going to be. This one, though, she doesn't mind so much. Working out of Pinewood Studios is actually one of her favorite places to be if they aren't filming at home in LA.

"Uh huh, uh huh." Dieter bobbles his head as he swallows the water and grimaces. He would prefer wine or a scotch to chase the pills but Desiree had demanded that he drink some water in the morning at least. To counteract all the non-water beverages he drinks later throughout the day. "Like France. The people seem to like me. I always get lucky in Paris."

“I know, Dee.” Of course, Desiree knows. She’s the one who has to fend off the angry one-night stands for a week or two afterward. Almost every single time. She sighs as they round the corner of the hallway. “Here we go. Conference Room C. The production assistant has me on call to come pick you up later, so I’ll see you in a few hours.”

Dieter shakes his arms and his head in an effort to clear his thoughts but all he does is make himself dizzy. Nearly tripping over the carpeted floor when he missteps and nearly goes crashing into the wall. "Fuck!" He yelps, waving her away immediately. "I'm good. Just..." He looks down at his crocks and huffs. "Fuckin' things are trying to kill me."

"Maybe next time you'll wear the tennis shoes I put out for you," his assistant suggests, knowing he never will. "Go on in, Dieter. You're actually on time."

"Why would I want to be on time?" He huffs, rolling his eyes and stopping short of the door so he can root around and look for the candy he had stuffed in his pockets. "Hey, can you get me some uh...some uh...shit?" He asks, forgetting the word for what he wants but he knows she will understand.

"Sweater pocket, not robe pocket." The little Italian hard candies that he likes are mandatory when he has anything to do that lasts more than an hour, like an edible fidget toy. Unfortunately, the fact that he's wearing a cardigan and a robe both with deep pockets means he loses track of things. "And being on time is respectful to your costars, Dee. And to the production staff. Which is why you are on time." She opens the conference room door pointedly. "I'll see you this afternoon."

He wants to grumble at her, point out that he is the star of this particular drama, but instead, he's turning towards the room full of people. Immediately cocking his head as he takes in the group behind the large, dark sunglasses. Smirking slightly at some and then his brows raise when he spots someone he never expected to see at a read through table with him.

You.

"You have to be fucking kidding me..." You look up when you hear the door open, expecting to see your final costar strolling in. Instead you're greeted with the vision of Dieter-fucking-Bravo being nearly shoved through the door by his assistant and your eyes dart down to the last remaining name tag. Dieter Bravo. It reads, and underneath it, his role. This is going to be an absolute fucking disaster.

You’re here. Quickly Dieter schools his expression into one of nonchalance and shuts down the urge to immediately ask why you are here. It’s pretty obvious when you are sitting across from the only empty seat. His seat. You’re his co-star. Dieter hisses under his breath and adopts a careless grin. “Hey everyone. Guess I made it. We can start.”

"Fantastic." The director is excited and nervous, trying his best to look and act in charge of this powerhouse cast that he's been lucky enough to assemble. This is his Oscar bait, right here in this room – the screenplay and the subject manner of the film are icing on the cake. "Welcome everyone. Good morning. The next few months are looking to be very exciting and we're going to get started quickly. This week is hair and makeup trials, costume fittings, and a few location details. Next week we'll be at Pinewood and we’ll finish with the location shoots in France. We're not wasting any time here."

"As long as there is time for playing, I'm good." Dieter jokes as he walks around to the swivel chair in front of a script book with his name on it. "Can't go to France and not play." He glances over at you, watching as you very pointedly look down at your script and inwardly scoffs at the very prim and fashionable outfit you are wearing. Everyone else is in casual clothes, but you are dressed to impress.

A reputation built on talent, hard work, and professionalism has made your name gold in this business, but Dieter never had to worry about any of that. The term nepo baby seems to have been invented just for him and that huge dynasty family of actors, directors, and producers that he's descended from. No wonder he has so little regard for everyone else's time. You shake your head to shake off the anger and flip open your script while the director talks on about plans for a speedy shooting schedule and getting ahead of the studio's timeline. It's the same stuff every director talks about in the beginning, and while you listen you jot down a few notes to yourself of questions you have and requests to pass on to your assistant. The most important being making sure that your hotel room is as far away from Dieter's as possible while you're on location.

Dieter pretends like he's not paying attention. He's good at that. A lifetime spent on stage and behind the scenes of sets leaves him with a sense of boredom when it comes to this kind of thing. Tapping his own pen on the script as he watches you scribble furiously like you are studying for a test.

"Alright, you all know how this works." When he's gotten through the speech that is meant to be inspiring and encouraging, your director sits down at the head of the long table and opens his own script. "Our first AD will read stage directions, you'll all read your roles, and we'll break for lunch before we touch base over questions and concerns." He is practically vibrating in his seat as he looks around. "Unless anyone has something they want to mention before we begin?"

"Yeah." Dieter twists lazily in his seat to look from the director towards you and he pulls his sunglasses down. "How did you come to work on this film?" He asks, smirking slightly as if he knows the answer. Conceited enough that he might just believe that you jumped at the chance to work with him again.

"I was asked." Sitting up straight in your seat, you reach for the travel mug full of coffee that you brought and instantly wish there was brandy in it as well. "I was told there was a timing issue with the previous leading lady, but now I'm wondering if she didn't pull out after finding out who she was going to have to put up with." Something you might consider doing, too, if you had found out before showing up here today. Now it would just give him too much satisfaction to feel like he won something, and you would never give him any satisfaction.

Snorting, Dieter grins as he looks around the room, not even caring that plenty of people are shuffling uncomfortably in their seats. "You mean the only one in this room with that little golden statue?" He asks, eyes finding yours again.

"And the only one who will shove it in everyone else's faces?" He would bring up your most recent snub in a room full of people just to be a dick. It was barely three weeks ago that you lost that Oscar and the wound is still fresh. Of course, it was freshest the next morning, when he had gloatingly sent a Better luck next time style note to your house. How the bastard had your address was beyond you.

"Nahhhh." Dieter shakes his head. "I keep that on display at home. I don't just carry it around." He chuckles quietly at his own comment and shrugs. "Sure that you'll get one, one day."

Your lips are pursed as you look down at your script after taking a sip of coffee, and you scrawl a note in the margins of your script to remind yourself that this would be an excellent picture to elevate yourself to executive producer on. If he's going to be petty, then you're going to be petty's boss.

Bored of bantering with you, Dieter drops his pen and grunts, reaching for his pocket to try to hunt down another one of those candies. Knowing that if he kept up, he would say something that he might actually feel bad about. Which was rare for him.

"Okay. Well." When your director clears his throat it's nervous instead of excited. "Let's get started, shall we?"

Unwrapping a candy, Dieter halfway listens as he opens the script and squints at the page. He needs goddamn glasses but he's too vain to get them and despite snorting powder and popping pills, the idea of sticking his fucking fingers in his eyeballs makes him squeamish.

It's a rocky start. You aren't vain enough to claim otherwise. And the looks on the faces of your castmates and the present members of the production team say so also. Dieter is tripping over his words despite not seeming to be overtly intoxicated and is causing the reading to take twice as long. By the time you get halfway through – to the scene containing a slap, a screaming match, and a smashed prop – you're feeling like this won't be acting at all. Starring in a movie opposite Dieter is going to be exactly as infuriating and maddening as you suspected it would be.

"Who wrote this shit?" Dieter scoffs, irritated with the way that the read is going. "It doesn't flow. It's gotta flow." He looks around for support from some of the other cast and then towards the director. "Not to act like an ass but who talks like this? We are supposed to be in the 1920's not the 1720's."

"Perhaps the problem isn't with the writing but with the reading." After the way he snarked at you in the beginning, you aren't about to let the director take Dieter's vitriol alone.

"Why don't we take a quick five?" He suggests, looking around to see relief on some of the actors' faces as they nod in agreement. "That's five, everyone. Grab a drink or a snack if you need it, bathrooms are down the hall."

Sneering at you, Dieter pushes away from the table and stomps off, needing to piss and to see why the hell the speed he had taken isn't working. Maybe he didn't manage to take any. "Fuck this."

"Hello?" Desiree wasn't expecting to see her boss's name pop up on the caller ID for another hour bare minimum, and she puts down the other half of her sandwich in resignation when she picks up the call. If Dieter is calling, something has upset him. "How's the reading going, Dee?" She asks with a pointedly cheerful tone in her voice.

"Get me the fuck out of this." Dieter growls, holding the phone away from his head. He hates the damn bluetooth built into every damn device. It fucks with his brain waves and he feels weird. "I don't give a shit how, I'm not doing this fucking piece of shit movie."

"You loved the script when you read it." His assistant frowns on the other end of the line. "You have a studio contract, Dee, and you already wriggled your way out of the thriller they wanted you to do. This is it. There's not a way out of this that doesn't involve you getting sued and losing a ton of work." She sighs softly, rolling through the possible things that could have upset him when she lands on the most likely. "Is there someone I need to push to have recast?"

Your name is on the tip of his tongue. Unease and unresolved issues with you curl and curdle in his gut and he opens his mouth to tell her exactly who he wants to have gone. But then he realizes if he does, you win. You would see it as a victory. "No." He grunts into the phone, sighing softly. "Fuck this."

"I'll see if I can arrange some extra goodies for you from the production staff." Desiree offers, knowing that getting him treats of any kind usually eases Dieter's grumpiness. "You contract riders were all agreed to, but there are always upgrades we can negotiate for. I'll see what I can manage. How does that sound?"

"I better get some KitKats too." Dieter huffs, pouting because he's going to have to deal with the sass and snark, the fucking attitude of filming with you. "Lots of them."

"I'll see what extra flavors I can get imported." As his go-to candy, the list of places to procure specialty KitKats and country-exclusive flavors is one Desiree can navigate with her eyes closed and half asleep.

"Okay." Dieter agrees after a long moment. "Hey, uh, can you schedule me an appointment for that surgery to fix your eyes?"

"I can..." Desiree pauses in thought. "I'll have to arrange it for during filming. We won't be able to get an appointment before you have to be on location."

"Do it." He grunts, rubbing his eyes. "Can barely see the fuckin' script."

"I'll pull what strings I have to." Any weakness Dieter actually admits to is worth noting, and she pushes her plate away to pull out her iPad. The agenda she keeps coordinates both of their schedules and even though he never actually checks it, it's invaluable to her. "You should get back to the reading, Dee. I'll take care of everything." After all – that is her job.

In the bathroom, Dieter leans in and stares at his reflection in the mirror. He blows out a sigh, able to see the wrinkles that are starting to crease his face, some of the gray that is starting to creep into the scruff on the side of his face. He's fucking 38 years old in two months. He's getting old. Maybe he'll get his ears pierced.

******

"Sam." As soon as Dieter is gone from the room, you slide out of your seat to go speak to the director. He's not too green in the business, but hasn't been around enough to be jaded yet, which gives you a little hope that he can be spoken to like a reasonable person. "Can I grab you for a second?"

"What's on your mind?" He asks, reaching for his bottle of water and twisting the cap off. Hoping that this tense atmosphere that has descended over the table read is just a one off. Maybe it would count as the trouble on set and the rest of the production would roll smoothly.

"First of all, I wanted to apologize." Humbling yourself isn't exactly a bad idea considering you were half the cause of the ruckus this morning, and you offer the director an appropriate frown. "Obviously that wasn't the first impression I had wanted to make on you, and it won't be repeated. I hope you can forgive and forget?"

"For what?" Sam shakes his head. "I knew that Dieter was going to cause waves. It's one of the reasons I wanted to work with him. He's unpredictable!"

“He certainly is that.” In a way that makes your chest clench on the verge of simply caving in. “I wondered if I could ask you something, Sam? Obviously I’m coming into this late and meeting people for the first time, but the script is wonderful.” Despite what some people say, you want to add, but keep your mouth shut since you just apologized for mouthing off. “I was wondering how your production team has fleshed out. And whether or not you might have room for one more?”

Sam tilts his head thoughtfully and seems to mull it over. "You know...I do." He hums, eyes lighting up. "I'll have to ask Dieter if he wants the billing. It'll go great with the studio."

“Not exactly what I had in mind when I asked.” It takes biting the inside of your lip to keep from saying something snarky or downright disrespectful. “Unpredictable is great for an artist. But not really what you want in someone controlling the purse strings, if you know what I mean.”

Sam rolls his eyes at himself and sighs. "Yeah. I can see where that would go wrong if Dieter decides to pull some kind of stunt." He agrees reluctantly before turning his gaze on you and studies you. "I'm assuming that you want the spot on the executive production team?"

“Otherwise what’s the point in asking?” You have a good reputation and an exemplary track record, so your desire to be Dieter’s boss aside – it’s actually not a bad deal for this young director. “I can get you some references if you’re on the fence, but I can assure you ahead of time that they’ll be glowing.”

Tapping the water bottle against his palm, Sam hums. "Yeah, send me an email and I will look it over tonight, okay?" He reaches out and pats your shoulder. "How do you feel about the role? Excited?"

“I really am, yeah.” In fact, the role had endless and exciting artistic appeal before you realized who you were playing opposite. “She’s an extremely intelligent and volatile woman, and I think the audience of people who will be able to relate to her is huge. You’ve got a great picture on your hands here.” As long as Dieter doesn’t fuck it up.

"I know you will be able to bring her to life." Sam offers, his own excitement for the film shining brightly as he starts to twitch. "We are going to make it happen. That Oscar that you should have won this year."

“That’s very nice of you.” Though you do wish people would stop mentioning it. The wound is still a little fresh. “I really think we have something special here. This summer will be a lot of hard work but really worth it.”

"Well, you go get a snack and some water, I'm going to go – uh, use the restroom and we will get the table read done." Sam nods towards you and steps around you to make a hurried rush towards the bathroom.

Satisfied that you saved a conversation that might have taken a very undesirable turn, you let yourself linger at the craft services table and make another cup of coffee to go with the pastry you don’t let yourself grab. You’ll be fine until you can get out of here and have something homemade. Fewer calories that way.

"They have anything with chocolate?" Dieter asks, stepping up beside you as he surveys the table. Slightly disappointed with the options today. If this shit keeps up, he will have to ask that another caterer is brought in. There's too much rabbit food here.

“No.” Tight lipped the second you realize he’s standing next to you, your shoulders tense but you exhale slowly to try not to show it. You know damn well he’s looking for candy and that there’s chocolate in some of the pastries, but you’re not going to tell him shit. “Looks like you’ll have to survive off something other than intoxicants for at least another couple of hours.”

"Well, shit." He grunts, scratching his belly and glancing over at you. "What's got your panties in a fucking twist?" He asks when you don't even look over at him.

“Don’t for one second think you had any effect whatsoever on my panties.” You bite out, focusing on not shaking with actual anger or frustration.

"Oh but I used to." Dieter chuckles and decides that he will blow up that bridge that he had been hanging on to. "So tell me..." he leans in and smirks at you. "How's the kid?" The sarcasm is lacing every word and he chuckles again.

“Go to hell, Bravo.” Without sparing him even a cursory glance, you turn on your heel and walk away. Just because you have to work with him does not mean you have to be sociable.

"So, good?" Dieter shouts after you, grinning at the way your back couldn't get any straighter if you had a board strapped to it. You don't even turn your head and after you walk out of sight, Dieter slumps slightly, the victory not as sweet as he had imagined it would be.

Without warning you’re twenty-one again and staring at the walls of your fifth-floor studio walk up the day after he left. Up and left without a word, not even to you. The pregnancy test in the trash and the telephone that never rings both taunt you, speaking volumes without ever saying a word. “Perfect.” You grit out, knowing very well that he knows you don’t have any children. Though he doesn’t know what happened at all.

******

"Hello, gorgeous." Dieter slides into the seat beside you and flashes you a charming grin, eyes lighting up when he sees the way your eyes flutter and your lip is pulled between your teeth. "I hear from a little birdie, you are going to be my co-star." He had seen your audition and actually told the producer of the play that you were his choice for the lead.

"H–hi." God, he's even more handsome in person, is the first thought in your head when you turn your head to see the former child star Dieter Bravo sidling up to you in the theater. You had gotten here early to try to set your mind straight before the first rehearsal but now it's already hazy from his smile. "Yeah, I–I'm playing Catherine." You're playing his wife – his wife – and it even includes an onstage kiss. It's enough to have your nerves on high alert, but you're so excited.

"Your audition was good, great even." Dieter praises, twisting in his seat and making sure you feel the full force of his smile up close. His mother always said his smile was what drew people in. At least when he was younger. Now that he's in his twenties, he's going through that slump that most child actors seem to endure, hoping like hell that he can spend a few years on stage before he gets his chance to show Hollywood what he can do as an adult. "I told Danny he was an idiot if he didn't cast you."

"You liked my audition?" Fresh out of acting academia, auditioning for Broadway of all things was a longshot, but here you are. Your very first Broadway audition turning into your very first Broadway show. With the world's most gorgeous stage husband, to boot. "I...that's so nice of you! I'm just– I'm so excited for this show. A–and to work with you. It's just...it's a dream come true."

"Yeah?" Dieter grins, already sensing the crush you have on him and liking the way your shy and eager smile makes him feel. "Well, we have to make sure that we make all of your dreams come true, Bambi."

"Bambi?" You knew you looked flustered, but do you really look so ridiculous that he's calling you a deer in the headlights? The idea is completely horrifying and you bite your lip again, unintentionally making yourself look all the more innocent and sweet.

"Fuck." Dieter groans, imagining that innocent look on your face as you look up at him from your knees with his cock in your mouth. "Sweet, innocent little doe eyes." He explains, reaching out and brushing a piece of pastry off your cheek from where you had already raided the coffee cart.

"Oh." At least it's nothing bad - nothing you need to be mortified over. Though your cheeks might completely catch fire if he touches you unprompted again. You weren't expecting it and you feel like you're going to spontaneously combust. "I–um...that's very sweet. But are you okay?" Concern shines through, knitting your eyebrows together temporarily. "You swore and it sounded like...pain? Maybe?"

Are you a virgin? Dieter's eyes sparkle and he shakes his head as he grins. "No, nothing I can't handle, though I might ask you for some assistance later on." He flirts.

"Oh, of course!" Nodding before you could possibly hesitate, you're leaning toward him in your seat like there's some kind of magnet drawing you in. "Did you want to run lines after rehearsal or something?"

Chuckling, Dieter nods. "Something like that." He confides, leaning in. "Think we need to run some chemistry tests." He suggests. "You know, so we don't fumble on stage."

"Oh, of course." Chemistry tests were something you had heard about from your friends who had already gone out to LA to audition for movies, but they were rare in theater as far as you knew. Or at least they never got called that. Working with a movie star was going to be so different, you could tell already. "That–that sounds like a perfect idea. The last thing we want is to hold up rehearsals being awkward on stage, right?"

"Sooooooo." God, you are innocent and Dieter's cock twitching in his pants at how quickly you agree to his idea. "I say we do our read through, and we go get dinner." He offers. "You know…talk."

"Right." Your head bobs in total agreement, pulse quickening at the idea of it. Just because you've nursed a little crush on him for about forever does not mean anything else. This is work. Your career. You're just incredibly goddamn lucky that you get to do it – the play – with him. "Yeah, absolutely. Get a...a foundation for knowing each other, right?"

"Right." Dieter grins and bites his lip. "It doesn't hurt that I think you're very beautiful." He admits with a small wink. You are pretty, you are fresh faced but he hadn't been lying. You did have incredible potential for someone right out of your acting class.

If you spontaneously combust on that spot, it will be from that wink and that wink alone. You can barely squeak out a "thank you" without feeling like your entire face is on fire.

"Awww, don't be shy." He coos, even though he loves it and wants you to keep being shy for him. This narrow window before you get comfortable with him is very finite and he wants to enjoy it. "You and I are going to get real close."

"It's such an amazing opportunity." Maybe for him things like this are old hat, but for you? This is a literal dream come true. It flies in the face of every time your parents told you acting could never be a realistic career choice, or every teacher who had told you that you weren't enough somehow. This is the big time.

Grinning, he leans back in his seat and picks up the drink that he had managed to snag before turning his attention to you. Only taking his eyes off you when the producer comes into the room. Casually sliding his arm around you and shuffling closer as the producer starts to speak. "Here we go." He grins, knowing that this will change both of your lives.

******

The hotel they have the cast and crew booked into is right in the heart of London, tidy modern rooms with all the amenities and specifically suited to dealing with large groups of long-term guests. The kitchen does room service 24-hours a day and there is a coffee machine in your room, along with a kettle and a microwave so you can do a few things yourself. It's a suite even if it's on the small side, and you don't mind that. This is work, after all. Not a vacation. If you want to have fun during your free time you can always go out. The view, at least, is fantastic. Sitting out on your balcony to enjoy the view, you're putting off unpacking just a little bit – until the French doors of the balcony next to you open. Why is Dieter in the room right next to you?

Groaning, Dieter opens the door and stretches, making sure that he scratches his stomach as he takes in the view. "Ohhhh shit, I love London." he shouts out, grinning when a few people down on the street below look up at him.

"So much for using my balcony," you grouse, immediately shoving out of the chair and going back inside. You'll have to restrict your usage to when Dieter is passed out or on set without you.

“Oh seriously?” The movement catches his eye and Dieter turns to see you getting up and puffing up like an angry ostrich as you stomp towards your slider door. “You can’t stand to be around me?” He demands, oddly hurt by the idea. “There was a time you loved being in my presence.”

Pausing halfway through the door, you look back at him with an expression that can only be described as undisguised hurt. You had been aiming for disgust and fallen slightly short despite your best effort. "Unbelievably enough, I grew out of it."

“What would you have had me do?” Dieter asks, flapping his hands in the air. “Stay?” He had the opportunity of a lifetime. The break that made him Dieter Bravo, actor and not just Dieter Bravo, child actor. He couldn’t have risked it. Wouldn’t risk it to be trapped by an obvious scam.

Tamping down the urge to just straight out scream at him, you cross your arms over the chest and force yourself to sigh out the angry breath you took. "You could have at least said goodbye."

Dieter frowns at you, unwilling to admit that he had fumbled that. Been unable to say goodbye in his panicked state. He barely remembers packing or getting on the fucking plane. Didn’t help he was blazed out of his fucking mind. “I said I had to go.”

"You told the production team. Not me." You correct him, biting out every word like the English language itself personally offended you. "You didn't say goodbye. You didn't return a single fucking phone call, text message, or e-mail. Nothing. What if I had been pregnant?" Feeling your voice rise, you squeeze your eyes shut and shudder on another deep exhale. "You abandoned me flat and made me the butt of jokes in interviews for years. How am I supposed to forgive that?"

“Forgive me?” Dieter looks personally offended by the question. “Don’t give me some sob story, you tried to baby trap me!” He huffs at you. “Who peed on the stick for you? Mandy? That girl was always pregnant. Sold the pee sticks for $30 bucks a pop to rope whatever poor bastard was on the fence with some girl.”

"I was terrified." The anger is right back on the surface in an instant, and you hate yourself for how close to tears you are. "I was so fucking–" In love with him, that's the real end of that sentence, but you veer off course rather than ever admit that to him. "Scared that I did two whole boxes of tests and went to a doctor the day after you straight out abandoned me. It was a false positive, you son of a bitch. Six of them, to be exact. It took an actual doctor's office to tell me I wasn't carrying a bastard's baby."

The rate at which Dieter deflates would almost be comical, robe tie dragging on the ground when his entire body just seems to slump. He’s held onto the idea you were trying to trap him for years, reminding him of why he was right to leave you without another word. His father’s words ringing in his ears. “Oh.”

"Oh." Your huff of disgust could rattle windows. "Is that all you have to say?"

Dieter frowns, not capable of processing the complex emotions that are trying to creep through his mind. Long repressed feelings threatening to bubble to the surface. He bites his lip and looks up at where you are staring at him. Still fuckin pretty but no longer the innocent 21-year-old you were when he met you. “Do you want—” he licks his lips and swallows, “–to have sex with me?” He asks, lifting his brows.

"Oh, Jesus fucking Christ." It doesn't even deserve an answer and you don't give him one, just turn to walk into your room, slamming the glass door behind you so it rattles so hard it threatens to shatter.

“Fuck.” Dieter hisses quietly, staring at your door for another moment before he decides that he is way too sober to deal with this new information. His emergency stash needs to be broken into and he has a feeling he will eat three KitKats for dinner.

This whole fucking production is going to be agony, you can feel it right in the front of your skull where your migraine is forming as you dry sob on the sofa in the front room of your suite. There's no way you can face anybody tonight – not with the way you're feeling now. It's going to be room service and an early night with aromatherapy, you can feel it.

******

He’s a hell of a lot more alert than he should be, all things considered. Taking several downers last night so he could get the image of your hurt face out of his mind. Grunting as he nurses his coffee and sits in the makeup chair for his call time.

There are twice as many shots of espresso in your travel mug this morning as there should be, but you had overheard some of the production team giggling about how handsome Dieter is as soon as you opened the door to your suite and it had caused you to turn right around and brew yourself a double dose to summon the strength to face the day. Your own assistant – bless her – is walking by your side trying to tell you about the shooting schedule for the day, but you feel like you're walking through fog. "Sadie, I'm sorry," you put one hand on her arm in the elevator and offer her an apologetic expression. "Will you give me that again? I'm not myself this morning."

“Are you alright?” Concern laces her expression as she looks up from her phone. You have been a dream to work for and she cares about you. Not because of her job, but because you don’t treat her like an accessory. “You’ve seemed…off since the table read.”

“I have absolutely been off since the table read.” You can admit that to her with ease. “I’ll be okay.” It’s a small reassurance, as you rub your eyes and lean against the elevator wall. “Just…what scenes are we shooting today?”

“The big argument.” Sadie explains, wincing slightly. It’s always tense when the high emotion scenes are filmed. “They felt like it would be good considering the…tension during the table read.”

“Ah.” You nod, knowing you’ll have no trouble getting mad at Dieter at any point. They always say that drawing from personal experience is the way to portray genuine emotion — well, that will be extremely easy. “I can’t say I blame them. It makes sense to get something that big when you’ve seen the tension first hand.”

“And hopefully that will get it out of the way.” She doesn’t know why there is tension between you and Dieter, but there are already rumors swirling between the production team.

“I sincerely doubt it.” You take a sip of your coffee and look at your assistant, knowing that she has as quick and shrewd a mind as anyone you’ve ever met. She’s more than your assistant – Sadie is your right arm. She’s your friend. “You have that face.” The elevator hits the bottom floor and opens, letting the two of you out. “There’s already talk, isn’t there?”

“Some.” She admits, biting her lip. “More…speculation than anything right now. But I’m sure that someone curious will find something.” If there’s something to be found is silently hanging after her comment.

You swallow a sigh and nod, heading through the lobby with her to the hotel’s parking structure where your rental car waits. “Why don’t you drive us to set, and I’ll tell you what happened? Better you should hear it from me than some gossipy PA.”

“It’s none of my business.” Of course, she desperately wants to know, but she also knows that being vulnerable is probably the thing you hate most with others. She gets the sense you’ve been hurt badly before.

“You’ve been my assistant – and my friend – for six years, you deserve the dignity of the truth.” This is the woman who has taken care of you, shielded you, catered to you, and protected you every single day without argument or complaint. She hears every rumor and knows which ones to squash versus which ones can be stoked. She fields requests from professionals in every area of life. She’s even fended off your father when he came looking for money on multiple occasions. The truth is the least you can do. “Most people in the movie industry don’t pay attention to theater,” you begin when you climb into the little Citroen that has been supplied for you by the production company. “But that’s where I started. After NYU, I got incredibly lucky and I went right to Broadway. The—” It brings back enough memories, vivid ones, that you have to clear your throat to go on. “The male lead was from a dynasty family. He saw my audition and had me cast. And then…promptly talked his way into my bed. I was just a kid and I really didn’t know any better. But he…he always knew exactly the right words. Exactly the right touch. You would feel like you were the only person in the whole world when he gave you his attention.”

Shit. Sadie’s face falls and she sighs softly. She was a huge fan of Dieter Bravo’s when he hit Hollywood as an adult. Enough to know that it sounds exactly like him. She hadn’t put the timeline together until it was laid out for her. “And it ended badly?” The fallout from a failed romance would definitely cause acrimony. Look at Lena Heady and Jerome Flynn.

“That’s a very polite way of saying it.” You look out the window and sigh at the rainy London streets moving by. “It started that first night and kept going the whole time. Until one day before call I…I told him that I thought I was pregnant and he took off without a word. That night his understudy went on and that was it.”

“Holy shit! Are you serious?” Furious on your behalf, Sadie huffs and shakes her head. “Asshole! I hope you enjoy slapping the shit out of him today.”

“Oh, I will.” There are probably few things you will ever enjoy as much in your life. “He had the nerve to say that I tried to baby trap him.” The accusation is still ringing in your ears from last night, and you’re only glad it’s not obvious how much you cried. It’s humiliating to admit that your days of crying over that asshole aren’t over. “I was twenty-one. Having a baby would have ended my career before it could begin.”

“Jesus.” Sadie snorts, shaking her head. “I know that there was a rash of that around that time, but that’s just…cruel.”

“So you can understand why I have been a little more tense lately.” You shake your head and fold your hands in your lap, trying to refocus your energy and not wallow. “I’m sorry if I’ve unintentionally said or done something to upset you while I’ve been distracted.”

“Not at all.” You were probably the best boss she could have ever asked for and in turn, she is highly protective of you. Anyone who wanted to paint you in a negative light would have to hear from her. “I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”

“That’s very kind of you.” Of course it is. Sadie is an inherently kind person who takes absolutely no shit. It’s one of the things you loved about her right from the day you interviewed her. “I don’t know anything about his assistant, but it might be worth making friends early, if you can. He’s exactly petty enough to try to cause problems and he might use them for that.”

She smirks and looks over at you as if you are behind the curve. “We had drinks last night.” She informs you. “So I’m already on that.”

“Oh yeah?” If Sadie ever outgrows you as a client you’ll be damned upset about it. She really is the best. “What kind of poor suffering idiot does he have working for him?”

“His agent suffers no fools and knows exactly who her client is.” Sadie chuckles. “His assistant is very sexy, very gay and would probably do well working as a dominatrix if being Dieter’s assistant didn’t pan out.”

“Gay, huh?” That makes you huff a laugh under your breath, assuming it wasn’t done by accident. A lesbian would never have any interest sleeping with Dieter - making it the smartest possible choice. “Sexy in general or sexy your type?”

“Sexy as in definitely my type.” Sadie confirms with a grin. “She’s got Dieter down, so apparently a lot of his bullshit is just bluster. She says he’s a needy, surprisingly emotional, manchild.” She snorts. “Who talks about Bambi in his sleep.”

“What did you just say?” It’s a good thing that she was pulling up to a stoplight anyway, because Sadie slams on the brakes of the car in surprise and jolts both of you forward. “Did you just say Bambi?”

“What? Something wrong?” Your reaction is far stronger than amusement about a Disney movie. “She just said he cries about Bambi in his sleep, then refuses to talk about it and makes sure to get really blazed right after.” She huffs. “Maybe he dreams about his mother getting shot by a hunter.”

“I—um—” all of a sudden your throat has run dry and your head feels like it’s spinning. “He cries?” You ask, almost afraid to have it confirmed.

“That’s what she said.” The light turns green and she cautiously starts driving again. “Why? Does Bambi mean anything?”

"It–" Your voice wavers with uncertainty, making you pull in on yourself in a way you haven't done for years before this week. "I don't think I have to remind you that there are things you know about me that no one else in the world does."

“Of course.” This will be filed under Tell No One, apparently. A standard NDA is in place, but this is personal. “Not a word to anyone.”

"That's..." After not breathing a word of it to anybody for years, it feels disorienting to talk about. "That's what he called me...Bambi."

“Shit.” Sadie’s eyes widen and her head whips around to stare at you in shock. “You don’t think— no.” She shakes her head. “You think that he’s dreaming about you?” She asks quietly.

"I don't think anything." You murmur, slumping slightly in your seat as she pulls back into traffic to head to the studio. "But if his assistant brings it up again, will you try to remember what she says?"

“I’m planning on having dinner with her tonight.” She reveals and nods. “I’ll try to bring it up casually and tell you what she says.”

"Don't ruin your date with my bad decisions." If Sadie has actually found someone to spend time with despite her crazy schedule - which is your fault - and who understands how demanding her job is - also your fault - then you don't want to sully it with your own concerns.

“Are you kidding?” She laughs. “Talking about her boss’s antics is something she relishes.” She snorts playfully. “Especially since I’m an assistant too.”

"Have fun and don't break any NDAs," you huff a small laugh, glancing at her as she drives. "I'll look forward to some room service and Netflix tonight. You deserve to have fun."

“Why don’t you go out?” She suggests. “We are in London. Go to some pubs. See some sights.” It’s not a wild suggestion, but she doesn’t want you to feel trapped in your room.

"I guess I could." It would save you from being in the room right next door to Dieter for whatever naïve production assistant he talks into sleeping with him. You turn to watch Sadie again before batting your eyelashes at her hopefully. "Could I ask you to load some money onto an Oyster card for me today and tuck it into my wallet so I can go out after filming if I'm up to it?" It will save you from having to hang out at one of the machines, and moving quickly means you're more likely to blend in and not be recognized, although it is an extra stop for her to have to make today.

“Done.” Sadie will take care of that just as soon as she gets you into hair and makeup. Knowing that you will feel better when you go out and see some things that will interest you. Get away from Dieter. “I will even come up with a map to show where to go for some things you will like.”

"You're an angel." She really does take such impressively good care of you, it's unbelievable. "Put your dinner tonight on my credit card, okay? Take her someplace over the top, even if you have to use my name to get the reservation."

“Thanks.” She pulls into the parking lot where trailers and tents have been set up. The production team has been working around the clock to get everything ready and she sighs. “Well, now you just have to survive the first day.”

"Think happy thoughts for me." With a sigh of your own, you haul yourself out of the car and double check that you have everything before waving goodbye and heading for your trailer.

******

Dieter has his eyes closed, murmuring his lines to himself as Monique, a goddess of a makeup artist, finishes his look for the scene. Peaceful now that he’s had his coffee, he leans back in the chair with a small sigh.

You had desperately been hoping that he would already be done in the hair and makeup trailer before you went in, but when you open the door he's right there with his eyes closed and that stupid slappable smirk on his face and you bite back a sigh. "Good morning." Focusing on the fact that the production was amenable to bringing your own makeup artist along for the production, you give Rivkah a hug. "Ready to do this?"

"Absolutely." Rivkah gives you a brilliant smile and smirks over at where Dieter is sitting. "It won't be hard this time, huh?" She teases quietly as she starts to pull your hair back and pin it so that not a single strand will get in her way.

"Today might not be." You'll flip through your pages one more time while you're in the chair, but this fight scene is going to be a doozy. Thrown furniture, punching holes in walls, and throwing each other around a little in addition to the slap means that this scene will be the only thing you film today and that you'll have a stunt coordinator on sight, but it will be worth it to get some of this tension out.

"Ohhhhh don't lie." Dieter cracks one eye open and points it towards you. "You know you're looking forward to it."

"Slapping you?" You clarify dryly without even looking over at him. "I'm practically giddy about it."

"Mhmmm." Dieter hums knowingly and closes his eyes again. "Have to make sure I don't get too excited." He jokes, knowing that he doesn't actually like to be slapped around. He doesn't even like it when he stubs his toe. Pain isn't his idea of a good time. "Might need some breaks."

"I promise not to make Monique's job any harder than it already is." It only adds insult to injury that Dieter grew from a handsome and charismatic young man into an even more attractive and charming adult, but you know that the version of himself he presents to the camera is only one dimension of the man. He had been comfortable enough with you back then to let you see more than just that side of him, which had been one of the things that convinced you then that you truly had feelings for him. Now, it just means that you can bruise his ego a little with only a few words.

Dieter huffs, frowning slightly and then remembering the wrinkles in the mirror, immediately tries to relax his face. Hurt by the implication that he was hard to make look good, especially when you used to coo over him and tell him how fucking sexy he was. "Least your tits aren't saggy." He shoots back. "Get 'em done?"

"On what planet would I answer that?" There's no keeping the annoyance out of your voice, but at least you don't huff at him. "You'll never find out either way." But you do make a mental note to talk to the intimacy coordinator about modesty garments. Hopefully the director won't want to show too much skin.

He snorts, nearly about to remind you that he has seen everything, but he doesn't. Despite his reputation as a dick sometimes, he would prefer to keep that memory private. "Your loss, toots." He dismisses you, settling back into his chair and smirks up at Monique. "She thinks I'm pretty, don't you?"

"Of course, Dee." Monique smiles, coaxing Dieter's chin back into a straight line so she can finish his hair. She's worked in films and television for a decade and with Dieter for almost all of those years. She knows better than to express an actual opinion. Although, in this case, Dieter is handsome.

"See?" Almost as if it was validation, Dieter settles back with a smug smile on his face. "God I love your fingers in my hair." He moans softly. "I could sleep like this. Could I pay you to do that? Play with my hair while I sleep?"

"Not my line of work, unfortunately." It does make Monique laugh, though. A small chuckle from the middle of her chest. "Might make a bit more money if it was, though."

It's all you can do not to react, and you bite the inside of your lip hard while Rivkah starts brushing your hair. The sound of Dieter moaning shouldn't produce such a visceral reaction twelve years later, but apparently it does. That is embarrassing.

"Yeah you would." Dieter sighs out, stretching his legs and flexing them slightly. "God, I hate that trainer." He complains, massaging his thigh gently and hissing at the soreness. "You would think I would sleep better but noooo."

"Calprofen?" Monique gestures to the little kit under her work station that you have to assume is a first-aid kit. Everybody in this room knows he routinely takes things that are much stronger, but not one of you is going to provide it for him.

"Nahhhh." Dieter reaches into his pocket and pulls out an unassuming bottle of aspirin. "I've got some fuckin' Aleve here." Unlike his normal pill bottle, this one is simply the pain reliever. He makes it a point to not pop anything while he is on set. It's unprofessional in his opinion.

When you snort derisively in your chair beside him, it's a knee jerk reaction and not a calculated insult. There's no way what's in that bottle is just naproxen. Not with what you've heard about his pill popping or the obvious smell of pot that emanated from his hotel suite all last night.

Pausing, Dieter stares in the mirror at you for a second, glowering before he pops the Aleve in his mouth and grunts at the uncoated pill. He knows that the other illicit pills he takes aren't coated, but they make him feel a hell of a lot better than Aleve does.

"So, Riv." You shift your attention in the mirror to chat with the woman who has been doing your hair and makeup for almost everything for the last five years. "Planning to do or see anything fun while we're shooting? You always like London."

It's oddly insulting that you ignore him, making him sit back in his chair and cross his arms over his chest. Almost done with hair and makeup so he can go to costuming. Silently listening to you and your artist talk while he pouts.

It’s not that you don’t notice. You notice every second of it. The childish pout of a grown ass man who isn’t getting the attention he wants, so you keep denying him on purpose. Except it doesn’t feel nearly as good as it should, because there is an echo of Sadie’s voice in your head as she tells you that he cries for Bambi in his sleep and dopes himself to forget it. And now it’s guilt crawling in your belly instead of ugly satisfaction.

The second that Monique pats his shoulder, the signal for him being done, Dieter shoots out of his chair. Spinning around and reaching for her to kiss her cheek. "You are a goddess." He praises softly, giving her a wink. "One day, one day you'll give in." He teases playfully. He asked her to sleep with him years ago when they first met and she turned him down. He will joke about it, but he's not pushing for it. "Thank you, love."

“Go on and get dressed,” she shoos him out with affection, years of working together giving her an affection for the man that has grown into respect. When he leaves, though, she sits down in his recently emptied chair for a second before scurrying to clean up.

Why do you have to be working on this movie? Dieter curses his luck as he walks through the sea of trailers that have been set up, hands shoved in his pockets so he doesn't rub his face. He's gone twelve fucking years without having to deal with you face to face unless you count that one afterparty that he had spotted you across the room. Unsure of why he feels so goddamn guilty about the way your eyes had glazed up last night, as if you were telling the truth. You weren't. You are an actor. A fucking phenomenal one at that. You lie for a living and you had been lying about that. There had never been a baby. He reminds himself of that and shakes his head, eager to get today's filming in the can so he can go back to his room and get blitzed.

******

“Come in!” The knock on your dressing room door isn’t unusual, especially since you like to get to the theater early to go over your script and meditate before doing your hair and makeup and getting into costume. You’ve just turned the kettle off and poured an enormous cup – okay, bowl – of tea when the sound comes loudly and clearly from behind you.

"Heyyyyy." Dieter pokes his head into your dressing room and grins at you. "You busy?" He asks, raising his eyebrows and pushing inside the room because he knows you aren't. You always invite him in.

“Not too busy for you.” You immediately put down your brush and turn around to face the door when he comes into the room. Sure you saw him just this morning, but you have a day job that you go to in between waking up in his bed and coming to the theater each night.

"Mmmmm." Walking over towards you, Dieter leans in and drops a lingering kiss on your lips. "How was work?" He asks, knowing that you hate your serving job, but it helps pay the bills. He was lucky enough that the residuals from his work as a child paid for his apartment.

“Awful.” A little pout earns you another kiss, and you immediately move over to sit on the little loveseat in the corner with him. “Some lady accidentally spilled her screaming hot coffee all over me after giving me a bunch of attitude and then she laughed to her friends about it and didn’t tip a single cent.”

“Bitch.” Dieter huffs, annoyed with the woman on your behalf and shakes his head. “Hopefully you spit in her food.”

“Dee.” There’s a stray curl on his forehead and you smooth it away as you shake your head. “You know I would never do that.”

“I know.” He closes his eyes and leans in, pressing his forehead against yours. “You’re so good.” He huffs, as if it’s wrong that you are. You’re definitely better than he is but he also likes that about you.

“Only sometimes.” The tone in your voice is fully suggestive, as silky and sexy as you can manage without ruining it with a giggle. He likes that you’re a good girl, it turns corrupting you into a game.

“Other times you are very dirty.” Dieter growls, ducking his head down and nipping at your throat playfully. “My dirty Bambi.”

It earns him a reflexive little moan from you, mostly because he knows how sensitive your whole neck and shoulder area is, and you climb into his lap on the loveseat without a single moment’s hesitation. “Just for you,” you promise him, as if there ever could be anybody else.

Dieter chuckles and squeezes your ass, pulling you towards him. “God, you look so cute in this damn outfit.” He groans, knowing there is nothing especially sexy about the sweats and a tank top, but he is hard against your core.

“Dieter…” You’re a goner as soon as you feel that hardness underneath you and he knows that as well as you do. “Did you lock the door?”

“No.” Dieter huffs, kissing along your throat and pulling at your tank top, grinning when he can get his hand under it as soon as he wants. “Fuck no bra.” He breathes, happy when his hand encompasses bare tit.

“You have to let me lock it, baby.” It will mean climbing off of him for a minute, but the last thing you want is to be walked in on by your stage manager. Of course – it’s hard to focus on that propriety when he pinches your nipple just hard enough to make you squeal.

“Who cares if someone sees?” Dieter pouts when you pull away, but uses it as an opportunity to strip down. Pulling his shirt over his head before he unbuttons his jeans to push them down.

“I care.” It takes all of four steps to cross your dressing room, but when you turn back around after bolting the door, he’s already naked. “Fuck, Dee, you’re so sexy.” The expression of near-awe on your face is one he basks in. You know you’re the luckiest girl in the world that he would ever even look at you twice, those deep pangs of puppy love tell you so.

Dieter swears you are better than the best fucking drug he’s ever taken. Your near worship of him a high that he can’t replace. “Come over here.” He begs, wrapping his hand around his cock. “Do you want to have sex with me, Bambi?”

“I always want to have sex with you.” That’s been a constant truth for the last two months, and you’re not about to disguise it for a single second. Any day now he could snap out of it and realize that he deserves a hell of a lot better than you – and you’re not about to let that happen, so you snatch a condom out of your purse and drop your sweatpants to the floor on your way back over to him.

“Fuck baby.” Dieter groans as he watches you walk towards him, ripping open the foil packet with your teeth. “You are so sexy.” He praises. “So goddamn lucky.”

“Yes, I am very lucky.” Leaning back over him, you lean down to flick your tongue across the head of his cock, humming at the musky taste of precum before applying the rubber so you can climb back into his lap. “So fucking lucky you want me.”

“Not– not what I meant.” He groans, gripping your hips and pulling you closer. “Fuck, lemme have a taste.” He begs, right before he plunges his tongue into your mouth.

It’s messy and enthusiastic, like most encounters with Dieter are, and you pour a moan into his mouth while you reach between you to line the head of his cock up to your entrance, letting you sink down on him slowly. This is bliss – with this slightly weird boy and his eccentricities – but you still haven’t said out loud how you really feel about him.

Dieter’s breath bitches as you take him, closing his eyes in the sublime ecstasy of your cunt. “Shit.” He hisses, fingers digging into your skin before he slides them up to grope your tits. “Like velvet.” He groans. “Hot fucking velvet.”

“Biggest fucking dick on the planet.” It doesn’t feel like an exaggeration when it’s filling up every molecule of space in your pussy, but you have no idea if it’s true or not. Dieter knows that he’s the only person you’ve ever been with, but you’ve never said that you hope he’s the only one you ever will.

“Have you seen every dick on the planet?” Dieter still twitches and preens at your praise, rocking his hips up and pinching your nipples again.

“N—no—” Bouncing on his length takes your breath away and you love it, clinging to his shoulders desperately to hang on. “But you fill me up so full baby. It has to be.”

This was supposed to be something simple. A week, maybe a month. Something to fill his time and spark his interest…except, you have this…hold on him. The sex is spectacular and the conversations are surprisingly developed for the after coitus banter. He hasn’t moved on, instead deciding to gorge himself on you while this lasts. Trying to ignore that voice in his head that wishes it would never end. Telling him that it doesn’t have to.

These little stolen couplings in your dressing room never last long. They’re always a chase to a quick finish that has his face buried in your tits and your fingers in his hair and somebody’s hand eventually circling your clit while you ride him like a prized fucking stallion. Everything about it is perfect right down to the throaty moans that absorb into your skin and the way his cock jerks and pulses in your pussy until you both threaten to implode right there in the love seat. It’s perfect. He is perfect. And it takes everything you have to cradle his head in your hands and kiss him instead of saying it.

Dieter pants, grinning against your lips as the two of you try to catch your breaths. Happy that this has become almost automatic. He knows you well enough to touch you exactly how you need to in order to cum before he does. Most of the time. The times that he doesn't, he'll go down on you to finish you off. "You staying over tonight?" He asks, reluctant to pull away just yet. "Gonna go out with everyone tonight to have a few drinks."

“Absolutely.” His arms are tight around you and you wrap around his shoulders as you enjoy the aftershocks still making your pussy flutter every now and then. Just because these encounters are fast doesn’t mean they’re lacking in any way. “I—I may have brought some clean clothes from home…” you admit quietly, panting a little between kisses. “In case you asked.”

"Good." Dieter smirks and kisses your pulse. "But I do like when you wear my clothes too." You've had to borrow some sweats and things before, use his toothbrush. Which he usually doesn't like, but it's pretty cool with you.

“I can always accidentally forget them here and wear your clothes tomorrow.” It’s sexy that he gets a little territorial, and you’re never ever going to discourage it. “Might forget my panties, too.”

"No panties?" Dieter groans and his softening cock twitches inside you. "It's not my birthday yet." He grins and leans in to kiss you again. "Although, I'm never going to mind that."

“A dress and no panties is your favorite and we both know it.” Reluctantly climbing off of him so that he can tie off the condom, you snag another kiss from him and take your dressing robe off the hook by the door to wrap yourself up in.

“Easy access.” Dieter grins with a waggle of his brows. “You didn’t seem to mind it when I bent you over last week when we were reading lines.”

“I don’t mind it at all.” Not for one single second, and you sit back down with him again to prove it. “And I think the fact that I remembered my lines while you were fucking the life out of me should be able to go on my resume.”

“You did squeal your monologue.” He teases, shuffling his pants back up and leans back against the couch to offer you a spot to snuggle against you. “Think you should deliver it just like that.”

“Only for you.” The coo in your voice is just for him, too, but you don’t mind that. He’s reached a part of you that is just indescribable and you never want it to end. “That’s a Bambi Special.”

“Hmmmm.” Dieter grins and wraps his arm around you and turns to kiss your forehead. “Now, where do you want to block from today?” He asks seriously. “I think scene two needs a little work, don’t you?”

“That was my fault.” You’d fumbled last night and you know it, making you frown down at your hands – knowing that he deserves a better lover and a better scene partner than you are is humbling. Thankfully the recovery was quick, and there hadn’t been any critics in the house. “I’ll nail it tonight, I promise.”

“Don’t worry about that.” Dieter senses the way that you curl in on yourself. You’re a lot tougher on yourself than you need to be. “Just look me in my eyes.” He tells you, reaching out to cup your cheek. “Okay? When you stumble, look at me. I’ve got you.”

“I—okay.” You nod against his hand and swallow another apology, not wanting him to doubt you. To doubt that he can consider you an equal, even if his talent is more effortless. The problem is, staring into his eyes for one second too long, you just can’t keep your goddamn mouth shut and the woods come dripping out of it: “I love you.”

Dieter’s heart nearly stops, blood roaring in his veins and he feels almost lightheaded when he hears you say those three little words. “I love you too.” The words slip from his lips easily, almost too easily because he knows that’s what you want to hear. Even if that voice inside him tells him that it’s true, he offers you a silken smile and tugs you to him. “I love you too, Bambi.”

With a happy squeal, you practically launch yourself at him, throwing your arms around his neck and smothering him in endless kisses. That was not at all the reply you expected, but you’re thrilled to not have ruined things. You’ll make this good for him as much as you possibly can for as long as you possibly can. “You’re amazing, Dee. I’m so lucky you love me.”

“I’m the lucky one, Bambi.” Dieter promises between kisses. “Never doubt that.”

******

“You disgusting, two-timing piece of shit!” Under hot camera lights in an itchy costume with almost more Bobby pins than hair on your head, you know your eye make up is running but it works for the scene. The tears are genuine, streaking down your face as you – as your character – advances on Dieter across the tight set with fury in your face. “When you’d used me up, the bottle took my place, and at the bottom of that you found every other woman in Paris.” You’re seething, pouring every ounce of betrayal you actually feel into this moment, and when you raise your hand you know somewhere in your body that this slap will be very real. “How many other women have you abandoned for the sin of boring you, you bastard?!”

Crack.

The sound of skin on skin isn’t tantalizing at this moment, or enticing. It’s ugly, and violent, and leaves a welt on Dieter’s cheek as you crumpled in a sobbing heap like the script instructs. For a solid minute, the only sounds are your very real tears and Dieter’s sharp breathing as he deals with the pain of being hit until—

“Cut!” The director screams out across the set. “Print! One take, ladies and gentlemen!”

“OWWWWWWW.” Dieter wails, the look of fury instantly melting away into one of pain as he claps his hand over his cheek. “You were supposed to pull the slap.” He complains pitifully, his look wounded as he stares at you, “that really fuckin’ hurt!”

“Tell me you didn’t deserve it.” Your tears stop instantly, a professional even through real emotion, and you get back to your feet with dignity, still hissing at him. “Tell me you didn’t deserve it twelve fucking years later.”

He can’t say that he doesn’t deserve it, but he frowns at you. Glowering at the heat of the slap radiating as he his face throbs. “I need some ice!” He shouts to his assistant as he turns and stomps off.

Sadie appears at your side a second later with a bottle of water and a pack of tissues, and you thank her quietly before taking both to walk a few steps to your chair just behind the cameras. A perk of having an executive director credit is proximity. Access. It doesn’t matter that that didn’t feel nearly as good as you thought it would. That a loud part of you actually wants to see if he’s okay and apologize for it. It’s done now. He left, you slapped him for it. It’s done.

“Ow, ow, ow, it really hurts.” Dieter huffs as he takes the bag of ice wrapped in a towel to press his forehead. “Did she have to hit me so hard?” He complains as he rushes back to his trailer. Hurt that you would deck him in front of an entire set, he can’t deny that your performance was spot on.

“At least it was one take?” Desiree offers the only silver lining she can find as she follows behind him, shitting the door to his trailer and pulling out the bottle of anti-inflammatories so his cheek doesn’t swell up.

“Thank god.” Dieter flops down on the small sofa and shakes his head. “Otherwise I'd look like I went twelve rounds with Ali.”

“She’s dedicated to realism, I’ll give her that.” His assistant frowns, but holds out the pills and a drink to him.

“Fuck those pills.” Dieter scoffs and shakes his head. “Give me the good stuff. Or better stuff.” He doesn’t care if they technically haven’t called the day. He’s done.

“Dee…” Desiree bites her lip, still holding out the pills to him. “You still have another scene to shoot today. Two, if you do another one in one take.”

“Nope.” Dieter shakes his head. “Too bad. My face is swollen!” More than that, he doesn’t want to face those eyes of yours again. Not today, not without some chemical assistance.

“I’ll talk to Sam.” Desiree nods, recognizing a stubborn mood when she sees it, and knows that this isn’t going to go over well. It’s only the first day of filming.

“Fine.” Dieter is slightly mollified when he gets his way and looks up at his assistant. “Now where’s the other pills?”

A five second long staring match ensues before Desiree relents and goes to the trailer's smaller kitchen cupboard to retrieve the unmarked white bottle that contains Dieter's homemade cocktail of Pill Roulette. "Here." She hands it to him reluctantly. "I'm going to go talk to Sam. I'll be right back."

Watching Desiree walk out the trailer door, Dieter twists open the cap of the bottle and shakes the pill into his hand. Huffing when there’s only one pill that is what he wants, he still pops it in his mouth, it’s better than nothing.

Five minutes later she’s carefully walking back on set, wondering how badly she’s about to get screamed at for this. “Sam,” she approaches the director with feigned confidence, studiously avoiding getting pulled into any side conversations on the way there.

“Can you get Dieter here?” Sam asks as he looks up from his clipboard. “Lighting has everything set for the next scene. And good work to him for taking that slap. It looks great on camera.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Desiree shifts on her feet, noting that you are nowhere to be found. You must have gone to make up to get cleaned up. “Unfortunately, his entire cheek is swollen now, because of it.”

“What?” Sam frowns, contemplating the shot now that he is learning that there might be a physical reaction. “How bad is it?”

“It looks bad now, but it might go down quickly.” Trying to do right by her boss and the production, Desiree tries to find a compromise. “Give him a half an hour? See if it starts to fade?”

“Half an hour.” Sam nods. “Then he needs to be on set. Some swelling won’t hurt the shot.”

“I’ll make sure he’s here.” She nods and backs off smoothly, only taking off for his trailer again at a damn run once Sam can’t see her anymore.

In his trailer, Dieter is staring at the large welt on his face, wondering when the hell you learned to hit like that. Hissing as he leans in to touch the tender flesh. “You deserved that,” he tells his reflection morosely. “You’re worthless. A loser asshole.”

Two rhythmic knocks on his trailer door let him know that Desiree has returned, and she pushes inside with a sympathetic expression on her face. "I bought you some time, but Sam is determined to go on today." She tells him, hating the expression of self-loathing she sees on his face. Frankly, she sees it far too often. Anyone would think the drugs were a self-indulgence or a carelessness on his part, but it has more to do with intense depression and self-image issues than anything else. The drugs are how he runs away from reality. "How are you feeling, Dee?"

“Sore.” Dieter grumbles, looking away from the reflection and picks up the towel wrapped ice pack again. “Let me lay down and then we’ll shoot the fuckin’ scene.” He is too introspective right now to fight. Maybe playing the character will allow him some freedom from the thoughts taking over. Give him an outlet like acting is supposed to be.

"Half an hour." Desiree moves around the space, lighting his aromatherapy candles and turning on the white noise machine that helps him drown out some of the uglier and more intrusive thoughts. "I'll be back in twenty-five minutes to get you moving, okay?"

“Yeah.” Dieter slumps down on the sofa, still in his costume of a half undone suit and closes his eyes. “Thanks.” His voice calls out softly, nearly breathless as the pill starts to mellow him out.

"Of course." She's quiet when she shuts the door behind her, but Desiree sighs to herself out in the middle of the trailers. Twenty-five minutes is enough to arrange something nice for him tonight. She'll see what strings she can pull to put together a little surprise for him.

******

Dieter is nearly asleep when the knock comes on the trailer door twenty-five minutes later. Making him groan and shake his head, not wanting to open his eyes. “Go ‘way! Still hurts.” He grunts, even as he pulls away the mostly melted ice from his face.

"Let me take a look." His assistant insists, coming inside with a KitKat and a bottle of kombucha. His health really is an enigma sometimes.

“How bad is it?” Dieter asks, fearing that he might be wearing that handprint for the scene. “Maybe it’ll be good right? My character is supposed to be angry with her.”

"It's definitely pink, but I think Monique can dim that a little." It was a hell of a slap, and Desiree bites the inside of her cheek to keep herself from babying him or exclaiming too much. She really does like the man, otherwise working for him would be insufferable. "The worst thing is that your eye is bloodshot, but that's okay."

“Shit! Seriously?” Dieter bolts off the sofa to run for the mirror again. Groaning when he sees the tiny bloodshot vessels of his eyes. “Fuck, she hit me hard.” He huffs, shaking his head. “Is that going to affect my lasik?” He demands, looking back as Desiree anxiously.

"Your appointment isn't for two days," she assures him, not wanting to see the pout that will surely form on his face. "You'll be just fine by then."

“It better not.” Dieter huffs, already annoyed at the idea of using his precious few days off recovering from eye surgery, but it’s better than not being able to see shit.

"I made you a dinner reservation for tonight." Hoping to perk him up a little and give him something to look forward to, Desiree had hunted down a fairly elusive supper club that catered to artists and eccentrics as well as anyone who had the money to mingle with them. "I know you were bummed that you didn't get to go to Dashiell's last time we were here, but they had an 8 o'clock reservation open for tonight." The place is incredibly unique, offering a staged performance during dinner, followed by a live band and dancing for those who are interested, and a litany of art supplies for those who would rather sit and observe the dancers. The walls are littered with the art of patrons who have drawn, sketched, or painted the dancers and diners on previous nights. The catch, because of course there is one, is that the tables are all served sociably family style. Every table is for four, and if you go alone you'll be seated with strangers. But it's a great place to see and be seen, and Dieter is a spectacular artist.

“Good.” Dieter bobbles his head, immediately buoyed by that news. “Maybe I can get laid. I need that, I’m tired of my hand.” He huffs, feeling the need for someone to show him some attention, give him some affection. Even if it is fake.

"You usually don't have any trouble with that." The sigh of relief that Desiree breathes is silent but very real, and she offers her boss a smile. "I'll take you over to hair and make up and then I'll run back to the hotel to get you something nice to wear tonight. Sound good?"

“Fuck.” That brings a pout to his lips. “I have to dress up.” The desire to get laid outweighs the annoyance with dressing up. He can put on less than comfy clothes to get what he wants.

******

Sitting in your chair in the makeup trailer, you're really trying your best to maintain composure in the face of how emotional the last scene was and manage your conflicting feelings over how it went. Rivkah is getting you cleaned up and retouched with Sadie sitting nearby, and your angel of an assistant has even grabbed you a hot cup of herbal tea and honey to soothe your voice after all that screaming. The last thing you need is to be hoarse.

Dieter flings the door open to the makeup trailer, halfway inside before he realizes you are in the chair beside his. Stopping short and immediately looking towards Monique, not wanting to see the satisfaction gleaming in your eyes. “Can you do something with this?” He asks, gesturing to his face as he sits down and twists away from you.

"Of course." She's already been told what happened, of course, and what scene she needs to have him ready for, but she gives him a kind smile. "We'll have you looking rugged and intense in no time."

“Good.” He doesn’t glance over at you, twisting open his drink and taking a gulp of it before he puts it between his thighs so he can open his KitKat.

Rugged and intense? You manage not to laugh at it, but you had no idea that Monique was a miracle worker. There's the ghost of a remark on your lips to Sadie, but you catch her grinning down at her phone and nearly giggling, and your expression softens. "You talking to her?" You ask, not saying who in case Dieter would object to your assistants spending social time together.

“Yeah.” Sadie glances up and then slides her gaze over to Dieter. She bites her lip and then opens her texts to you. His face was swollen and bright red. Desiree said he looked like an Oompa Loompa with the makeup streaked over the welts.

You glance up at her and back down at your phone, hating the twisting in your gut and chest. It didn't feel nearly as satisfying as I hoped, you write back.

Sadie frowns, biting her lip as she sighs. Maybe satisfaction will come when you show him you aren’t the girl he thought you were.

Maybe. I hope so. The short reply comes with a nod before you put your phone away and close your eyes for Rivkah to fix your eye make up. You need to be back on set shortly and you can tell already that the afternoon is going to be an internal battle.

Dieter chews on his candy bar as Monique works her magic, closing his eyes and frowning slightly as he goes over the lines in his head. Trying to channel the anger right now isn’t hard to do with the slap you had delivered.

******

An hour later on set is when it comes to a head. This drama follows the ups and downs of a married couple as their marriage and mental health starts to devolve, and it certainly includes more than one fight. Yours was filmed in one take, but Dieter’s is being done in smaller pieces as he chases you around the apartment set. The stop-and-go is exhausting with the intensity of the scene you’re doing, but it’s working. In a purely professional way, the scene is working perfectly.

Dieter, for his part, doesn’t get upset when Sam wants the close ups of his face. The mottled expressions and anger glazed eyes as he rants and rampages and generally terrorizes your character. Resetting after each one, absorbing the praise, there haven’t been any retakes, just different angles for the shifts he has in mind. This one should be the last.

Hissing, Dieter grabs you by the arms and drags you closer to his face, well aware the camera is right to his left. “I never loved you!” he bellows, spittle flying out of his mouth as he practically shakes in fury. “I never loved you.” he repeats again, not shouting this time but just as firm in that resolve as he shoves you away and drags his hands through his disheveled hair. “How could I love you? You’re nothing, less than nothing and you’ll always be nothing.”

For as real as your fury was earlier in the day, Dieter's disgust and hatred seems to build from that same, very real place of personal experience. All of a sudden you're back on the loveseat in your dressing room after finding out he was gone – frantically trying to get ahold of him with one hand clutching your belly as waves of nausea rack your body. I never loved you feels like the most honest words he's ever spoken to you and even though it doesn't indicate you should be doing it anywhere in the script, you're crying again. Silent, stricken tears roll down your face as he shoves you away and you crumple, shoulders pulling in and eyes falling open in dismay and disbelief as Sam screams "Cut!"

“That was great, so raw, so real!” Sam gushes as he rushes out, Dieter instantly deflating and doing almost a full body shake. Hating scenes like those, he wants to get as far away from those emotions as possible, especially the feeling of his character about to hit yours. It’s disgusting.

“Thanks,” he murmurs quietly, looking over at you and wondering if he should check on you. You had turned away pretty quickly.

Thank god you have the forethought to sneak a handkerchief into the pocket of your costume this time, having found one in the costume trailer that worked for the period. It's all you can do to keep your shit together and not run away sobbing, hearing Sam heap mountains of praise on Dieter for being so cold and so cruel. When you hear him ask for another angle on the shot you shudder and recoil like you'd be hit worse than you clocked Dieter this morning.

“I don’t think we should.” Dieter shakes his head. “I think it would be better to play that as one continuous scene. Especially since the rest of this is so cut.”

The way it feels like he's rescuing you after that makes you physically nauseous, and you don't turn around. You're lucky you can manage to drop yourself into a chair and lean over to put your head between your knees and breathe deeply.

“Honestly, I think that if you reshoot this scene, you’ll lose the…magic, of it.” Dieter glances back over at you and worries that you are not doing so well and he decides that he will offer Sam something else. “Why don’t we do the bathroom scene? It’s a solo scene and it would play well after this.”

"Set's not ready for that yet." Sam shakes his head, finally looking over at you and realizing that you're looking a little green around the gills. "Hey, hey, sweetheart." He drops to his knees in front of you and puts one hand on your back. "You good? A little overwhelmed?"

"I'm fine." Pity is what does it. What makes you put your handkerchief away and hold back the last sniffle, putting your head up to look your director in the eye. If you look at Dieter you're afraid you'll say or do something unprofessional. "It's just a little side effect of the jetlag, I think. My stomach's off."

“Yeah, shit, okay.” Sam nods quickly. “We’ll put a lid on today. Call it early. You did amazing and I know it was a set of heavy scenes.”

"Perfect." Without another word you're hightailing it off the set and making straight for the costume trailer with Sadie hot on your heels. "I'm going out tonight," you tell her unilaterally, not slowing down for her to keep up with you. "Need to clear my head."

Dieter is slower to follow, the rolling of his gut not one that he likes, or is used to. Desiree comes up to him eagerly, handing him a bottle of water. “I have your suit here.” She tells him, making him shake his head. “I changed my mind.” He tells her. “You take the reservation. I can’t– not after–” he breaks off, feeling uneasy about even thinking about trying to flirt and take someone back to his room after that. “I’m just going to – you take the reservation and enjoy it with whoever you keep texting.”

"Are you sure?" Her boss isn't usually one to give up on an excuse for bacchanalia, so Desiree is immediately concerned. "Do you need a comfort night?" Normally that entails indulgent take away food and an expensive bottle of something to drink, after which he may or may not paint or just stare at the walls while he goes on a journey in his own mind.

“No.” Dieter frowns, restless and unable to say exactly what he wants or needs. “I’ll just grab an Uber and wander.” He frowns again, thinking about how you had rushed off. “Hey— uh, check on her.” He motions towards your trailer. “Please?”

"You want me to—" She tilts her head in momentary confusion but shakes it off. "Uh, sure. Of course. I'll be right back."

Dieter watches her rush off for a moment before he shakes his head. Costuming will come to his trailer to collect his garments. Right now, he needs a shower to wash the icky feelings away. And maybe another round of pill roulette.

******

"If that's Dieter, you tell him to go to hell." The knock on your trailer door is unwelcome and unwanted, and you can barely stand to look Sadie in the eye right now let alone anyone else.

Rushing towards the door, Sadie has every intention of telling whoever is on the other side to go away. Until she’s greeted with the face of Dieter’s assistant. “Oh! Uh, Desiree…” She says the name loud enough that you know who is there. “Now’s not a good time.”

"He asked me to check on her." Desiree's voice is quiet when she looks up at Sadie, eyes silently communicating her concern over the request. This isn't a social call by any means, but she can sense how important it is to him.

“She doesn’t want to see him.” Sadie answers just as quietly, figuring that Desiree must not know the history between you and her boss. “But she’s tough, she’ll be okay.”

"Who is it?" Not that you really care either way, but since Sadie didn't shut the door in their face you have to assume that it isn't Dieter himself come to gloat over making you sick on set.

“It’s Desiree.” It worries her that you were so in your head that you didn’t hear her before. Testament to how shaken you are by that scene.

You're quiet for a minute before sighing. "Let her in," you decide, blotting your freshest tears on a tissue before you sit up on the sofa. "It'll attract attention if you're talking in the doorway."

Desiree slips inside and bites her lip when she sees how truly upset you are. “Is there anything I can do for you?” She asks immediately, not sure why Dieter insisted on checking on you, but he won’t be happy to learn you are in tears. She can sense that without even knowing the details.

"No." When you shake your head it makes you a little dizzy from all the buzzing in your head, so you stop right away. "No, honey. Thank you for asking, though. It was just a hard scene, that's all." The kettle in your little kitchenette goes off and Sadie steps away again, going to fix you a cup of tea while still keeping a very steady eye on the conversation. "Actually?" Your head tips up again and you try your best to smile but it falls flat. "You can have a really good time tonight. That's what you can do. Sadie works her ass off and I can only assume that you do the same."

“I– we’re going to Dashiell’s tonight.” Desiree can’t even hide her excitement at that news. “I had made a reservation for– uh, my boss, but he doesn’t feel up for that tonight.” She feels guilty for bringing him up, but it’s never a bad thing to remind people that Dieter can be sweet sometimes.

“Well that’s fancy.” You won’t hide your surprise, but Sadie is glowing when she hands you your tea and you can’t help but smile. The first time you’ve smiled in hours - maybe all day. “Have some much fun, you guys.”

“I’m not leaving you just yet,” Sadie promises, though she smiles broadly at Desiree when she thinks you aren’t paying attention. “You still thinking you’ll go out tonight?”

“I’m honestly not sure.” After that, you’re not sure if you want to forget the world exists or just melt into it and forget you exist.

“You should.” Desiree comments softly. “There’s a great little tea and sandwich shop down from the hotel.” She offers. “It’s cozy.” She had to make a list for Dieter before they even got here, knowing how varied his tastes can be.

“Thank you. I’ll remember that.” She seems far too nice to have to put up with Dieter’s bullshit twenty-four hours a day. Hopefully she’s well paid for it. After a second, you look at Desiree again and seem to summon courage out of nowhere. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.” She tilts her head curiously and wonders what you could possibly want to know. Especially since you don’t seem to like Dieter.

“I’m curious.” And you don’t mind admitting that it’s a morbid curiosity. “If you know about Bambi.”

“Bambi.” Her eyes widen and she bites her lip, curious as to how you know that name. “Dieter doesn’t talk about it.” She admits quietly. “Refuses to, gets mad if someone says something to him about it the next day.” She sighs. “Whoever Bambi is, Dieter has a lot of regrets about. Or they broke his heart. Maybe both.”

“I doubt it’s the second.” After the way he seemed to look completely through you as he growled the words in your face, it seems impossible. “Bambi was just another notch on his bedpost. Someone to keep the sheets warm while he was waiting for Hollywood to call.”

“Oh my god.” It clicks and her heart plummets to her shoes. “You’re Bambi.” She breathes out, feeling stupid for not putting it together sooner.

“I was.” You nod reluctantly. “A very long time ago.” A time that seems more and more like it belongs to someone else with every passing day.

“I’m sorry.” Desiree murmurs softly. “I don’t know what happened between you two, but I’m sorry.” Obviously it was bad, how it ended, but maybe there were some good times as well.

“Ask him.” You suggest, sitting back in your seat. “My version is bound to be different from his. But at least he still talks in his sleep.”

“I don’t know if he will tell me.” She admits quietly. “It’s like whatever happened, he’s greedily trying to keep that for himself.”

“Greedy might be the right word.” With a sigh, you look between the two women and shift over on the couch. “If you want to know, I’ll tell you the edited version. It might help with context.”

“You don’t have to tell us.” Desiree immediately blurts out, not wanting you to feel like you have to bear your soul to her. You barely know her and she’s your ex’s assistant.

"Just...whatever he says about me?" You grip your mug of tea and remain silently grateful that she didn't want to hear what could be considered incredibly good gossip. "Please take it with a grain of salt. I was very young then." Young, and oh so incredibly gullible.

“Bambi.” The nickname makes sense, and she nods. “I form my own judgments about people. He can be a handful on the best days but he–” she pauses, wondering if she should give you this information but ultimately decides you deserve it. “He’s a wreck of self loathing and desperation to be loved as he pushes people away. A rabid raccoon, if you will.”

"Rabid sounds about right." The description of him actually makes you laugh slightly, though it's more of a huff that shakes your shoulders. "Anyway, it's the age old tale of a girl and boy parting badly. That's all."

“He sent me to check on you.” She doesn’t know why that’s important for you to know about, but it seems like it is. “Make sure you are alright.”

"Are you sure he didn't send you to see how much damage he had inflicted?" It's not meant to be unkind, but you can't believe that Dieter would ever care enough to want to make sure you're okay. You'd put far more money on him wanting to make sure you were devastated.

Desiree frowns and shakes her head. “I’m not trying to change your mind about Dieter Bravo.” She promises you. “But he’s not the type of man to enjoy those scenes, but he’s not the type to check on his scene partner after either.” She draws out the scene for you. “So make of that what you will. And I’m going to tell him that you were laughing and drinking tea in your trailer when he asks.”

"Thank you, Desiree." She doesn't have to be kind, or listen to both sides of things, and she certainly doesn't have to show you any sympathy. "And really – genuinely – I hope you guys have fun tonight. Mine and Dieter's bullshit shouldn't have any effect on you guys."

“But if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call Sadie.” Desiree tells you, knowing that if Dieter calls, she will answer. It’s kind of like being a twenty-four hour babysitter for a grown up, but she’s paid really well to do it.

"I'll try not to have an emergency." You promise them both. "If it's an emergency and you don't call, I'll track you down and wallup you myself." Sadie jokes, just glad to see you smiling even a little bit after how broken you seemed coming off set.

Desiree feels like you need a hug, but she isn’t close enough to you to do that. Smiling softly and nodding. “I better go get everything done for the night so we can go.” She says after a moment. “Have a good night.”

“She seems nice.” You look to Sadie after the door closes, letting your mask of strength drop in front of the only person you fully trust.

“I think so.” She murmurs softly, giving you a concerned look. “I can cancel tonight.” She offers. “We can watch movies and eat junk with zero remorse.”

“Don’t you dare.” It’s exactly the kind of person that Sadie is, to offer to give up her night to comfort you, but you shake your head adamantly. “Dashiell’s is nearly impossible to get into and I still insist you use my card.”

Sadie hums, knowing she isn’t going to use your card for a night for herself. She doesn’t like doing that even when you insist. You are already generous enough. “Well, let me get you back to the hotel, then.” She says instead, knowing you don’t want to be here any longer than you need to be.

“I think a hot bath is in order before anything else.” And if you’re not feeling up to facing the world, you’ll just put on pajamas and crawl into that big bed and call for room service.

“I know you will enjoy that. I bought some of those bath salts you love last night.” She had planned on giving them to you today anyway so this seems fortuitous.

“You take such good care of me.” She does, and you made a promise to yourself years ago never to take advantage of her. Sadie is paid extremely well, showered with gifts, and given as much time off as you can manage to give while still maintaining a very active career. “I can’t ever thank you enough for being the best assistant in the world.”

“You make it extremely easy.” She promises with a grin and starts to gather her things to whisk you back to the hotel.

******

Almost two hours later, after a half a bottle of wine in a screaming hot lavender scented bath, you manage to get yourself dressed in clean clothes to search out the tea and sandwich shop that Desiree had mentioned earlier. If you can get your hands on any variation of a ham and Brie sandwich tonight, you’ll consider it a win.

Scratching his chin, Dieter stares at the image in front of him, his charcoal pencil tapping on the corner of the page as he studies it. The cooling jasmine tea and the extra large glass of pinot grigio ignored, along with a half eaten club sandwich. Needing to get the sight of your devastated face out of his mind.

The bell over the door chimes delicately when it opens and shuts, admitting a single person. The place is crowded but not unwelcoming, and the teenage hostess seats you without a fuss at the only empty table left in the dining room. It was good that you listened to Sadie, you decide, shifting your hands in your pockets to wrap your fingers around the thin book you brought. Just getting some fresh air will do you good, and fresh air away from Dieter will be even better.

Dieter licks his finger, smudging some of the lines to make them blurry, giving the curve of your jaw a softness that he’s always liked. Your eyes haunt him from the page. Drilling into him again and again as he can see the heartbreak in them. Making his heart burn and he reaches for the bottle for an antacid this time.

A cordial chat with the hostess stops cold when you see that the table she described as her very last is right next to Dieter fucking Bravo of all people. Your expression sours and you contemplate leaving all together but if you leave then he wins. And you’re not sure why you think that or where the thought came from but now it’s the loudest one in your head. Instead you thank the girl with a tight lipped smile and try to ignore the man just two feet away from you. You’ll have your dinner and you’ll be on your way. You’re a fucking adult, after all.

“Fuck.” He huffs under his breath, frowning down at the portrait that he is creating, putting the pencil back to the page as he isn’t quite happy with the image. It’s not what he’s seeing and he needs this. It’s cathartic, to steal a line from the half dozen therapists he’s seen on and off over the years. Mainly from the high priced drug rehab centers that he’s been to.

“No, thank you.” You respond dryly, picking up the menu that was left on the table in front of you but never looking over at him. Whatever he’s fine must be frustrating him. Good.

When Dieter is concentrating on something, he is fully emerged in it, blocking out the sounds around him as he works. Not noticing the movement as someone sits down to his right. Humming to himself when he manages to add depth to your distraught expression that was burned into him.

“Not even a pithy comeback or a bored laugh?” Putting down your menu and turning to look at him, you have a perfect – if accidental – view of what he’s doing. Your own face stares back at you from the sketchbook in his hands, tears and pain etched on the paper for his personal amusement. You see red immediately, reaching out to snatch the book out of his hands in anger, hissing “What the fuck?!” in the process.

Dieter jumps, startled out of his tunnel vision and his first reaction is annoyance. “What the fuck!” He hisses, glaring at whoever dared to touch his sketchbook as he whirls around and sees you. His face freezing and mouth dropping open in shock. “Oh– fuck–” he frowns in confusion as you glare at him. “What? What are you–”

“What the fuck is this?” You demand, clutching the sketchbook in two hands and keeping it just far enough out of his reach that he has to answer you if he ever has a prayer of getting it back. “Immortalizing the memory, are we? Planning on framing it to laugh at on a rainy day? I knew I should have hit you harder.”

He gapes at you like a fish, the surprise of you being in front of him along with the drugs he had taken making it take a little longer to comprehend what you are saying. Until he finally realizes you are accusing him of sketching your pain as some kind of sick thrill. “Give that back.” He hisses, reaching for it but he is out of reach, still sitting in his chair.

“No!” No way in hell are you going to let him keep this grotesque image, and you reach to tear the page out immediately. Hell, if this place had a working fireplace, you’d toss the whole book in it out of disgust. Except…once the page is out and in your hand, the ones remaining flap and you catch a glimpse of another sketch. Another sketch of you. “What the fuck is this?” Your hair is in an old style in this image – a style you haven’t worn since you were very young – and you swallow a sickening amount of bile as you start to flip through the pages. It’s you. The entire book is you. Image after image, younger versions of you as you were when the two of you met versus some others that you recognize as poses from films you’ve been in or promotional shots from red carpets or other events. They’re all you. “You have three seconds to explain this,” you bite out between gritted teeth. “Why the fuck do you have a book full of me?”

Dieter’s chair scrapes back, shooting to his feet as he lunges for the book. “Give it back!” He demands louder, not caring that people in the little shop are turning towards the two of you, chattering ignored because of the pounding of his heart and the rush of his blood in his ears. Cheeks flaming hot because you know. You’ve seen a book that no one else has seen. Ever. “Now!”

“Explain it.” Barely keeping the book out of reach, you shred two pages out of the binding indiscriminately. “What kind of a sick joke is this?” Heads are turning but you’re only seeing red, angry and devastated all over again for reasons you can’t put your finger on or analyze properly as your voice rises.

“Don’t! Fuck, don’t do that!” Dieter is frantic, panicking because of the pages you are shredding, hating that you are destroying the sketches he has spent so much time working on and looking at. Feeling like his security blanket is being stripped away from him like he was seven again and his father threw it in the fireplace and told him to ‘man up’. “Please.” He begs, breathing shallowly and feeling like he’s about to cry.

“Explain.” The demand is harsh, but the way he sounds like he might hyperventilate stays your hand from tearing at more pages. You’re angry, but you’re not trying to send anyone to the hospital.

“It’s– I just– I sketch to get the image out of my head.” Dieter’s own voice is small, quiet as he explains. “That’s it, that’s all. Just–” he swallows harshly and his outstretched hands drop to his sides. “Don’t ruin more of it.” His expression falls as he tries to shut himself off from the emotional connection to the book, knowing you will either keep it or destroy it completely in front of him.

“Why is it all me?” That’s what you don’t understand, and finally stop seething long enough to see the tears in his eyes and the slouch in his shoulders. As furious as you might be, this isn’t a fight in a script. It’s very real, and your confusion has brought you out of the angry haze long enough to see that someone has whipped their phone out. You’re being recorded. “Pay your bill.” You order under your breath, Shoving the sketchbook back at him and trying to compose yourself. “We’re going back to the hotel.” There’s no way you’re letting this go without a full explanation.

Dieter abandons the table and shuffles over the waitress, handing her his card and a murmured comment about the sandwich. His stomach is rolling as he tries to put the pages back where they were but he can’t. Swallowing down the embarrassment of you seeing this. Everyone else here, he doesn’t give a shit about. He doesn’t care about the scene, but you knowing about this makes him want to vomit.

The most you can think to do is apologize to the hostess for causing a fuss on the way out, but other than that you’re silent as you steer Dieter out of the restaurant and back up the block toward the hotel. There’s enough confusion jostling the anger in your mind that you can’t quite think straight, and the tense silence between you stretches right to the hotel elevator.

Dieter shuffles, his arm around the notebook as if you are going to rip it away from him again. Not sure what to say or why you are so damn angry at him. People draw you all the time, he sees it when he actually remembers the login for his social media accounts or he’s doing promotions for his upcoming movies. Forced promotions, because it was in the contract.

It’s not until you get him into your suite and lock the door that you can find the presence of mind to speak again, although the guilt of having him look at you like a kicked puppy is already gnawing at your insides. “Why?” You ask again, feeling your voice shake. “Do you have a sketchbook full of me?”

“Why not?” Dieter has finally hit annoyed, pissed that you destroyed his sketchbook, messed up his work. “It’s an old book.” He defends, even though he knows it’s a weak argument.

“That you kept for twelve years and decided to add to today, of all days?” His petulance isn’t exactly helping you have any sympathy, but mostly you feel…watched. Observed in a way you don’t like at all. Analyzed in a far more intimate way than a gossip column could ever manage.

“It’s not–” Dieter sighs and closes his eyes. “It’s not that old. I started it about nine years ago.” He confesses quietly. “A therapist told me that it might help.”

“Help what? Assuage your guilt?” It boggles your mind that he would ever have the need to talk about you in therapy, of all places, until you remember Desiree. “You do have guilt, don’t you?” Your voice softens perceptibly, turning curious. “That’s why you still dream about me.”

“How did you–” Dieter realizes he’s talking and snaps his mouth shut. Unwilling to give away if he had been dreaming about you or not. Instead he focuses on the why. “It helps. My brain is all fucked up.” He lets go of the book with one hand to motion to his head like he’s crazy. “She told me it could help get it out. What keeps rolling through my mind.”

“Somebody told me that you talk about Bambi in your sleep, that’s how I know.” While you won’t debate his mental health with him, you also won’t make fun of him for it. No one chooses depression or addiction. One look at his family is enough to show anyone what he’s dealing with – they’re worse than the Barrymores.

“Fuck.” Dieter’s jaw clenched and he shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter, I’m not stalking you. I just– I needed to get you looking at me like I’m a monster out of my head.”

“That doesn’t explain nine years’ worth of sketches, Dee.” It’s barely even a nickname, but it passes your lips without thinking.

“What do you want me to say?” Dieter asks, not sure what exactly you are looking for. You calling him Dee takes him back to the one fucking time he was truly happy, before he fucked it up.

“I—” Having him push back deflates you a little, and you realize you’re actually not sure. You have no clue what you want him to say. “I don’t know,” you admit quietly. And you hate not knowing.

Dieter acts like an ass, he knows this. He’s kind of proud of it most days. He is difficult and moody, ‘artistic’ as he likes to call it. But he’s broken. Full of anger and fear, begging for something to change and never being brave enough to try. “Do I feel guilt?” He asks, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Of course I do.” He huffs, unable to look at you right now while he reveals the deepest parts of himself. “Everyone I’ve ever fucking loved has left me or I’ve fucked it up. Self-sabotaged they tell me. I left the one goddamn person who made me feel normal, worth a damn, because I figured out that I was in over my head and I didn’t know how to handle it.”

“Someday you might want to tell them that.” Feeling exhausted by a day full of tension and yelling, you drop down in the nearest place to sit and grab a pillow like it was a teddy bear.

Dieter stares at you for a moment, sighing to himself and he knows that you hate him. He deserves it, but he turns around and walks towards the door of your room. Reaching for the handle, he looks over his shoulder. “I just did.” He rasps quietly and opens the door to slip out to his own room.

______ Master Tags: @pixiedurango @chattychell @winter-fox-queen @lady-himbo @artsymaddie @princess76179 @paintballkid711 @missminkylove @pedrosbrat @ew-erin @sarahjkl82-blog @sharkbait77 @justanotherblonde23 @lv7867 @recklesswit @mylittlesenaar @f0rever15elf @gallowsjoker @steeevienicks @athalien @sherala007 @skvatnavle @thatpinkshirt @jaime1110 @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics @goodgriefitsawildworld @greeneyedblondie44 @katheriner1999 @littlemousedroid @harriedandharassed @churchill356 @ajathegreats-blog @haylzcyon   @beardsanddetectives @kirsteng42 @ladykatakuri @adancedivasmom @madiebear @tanzthompson @emilianamason @bigsdinger @xocalliexo @pedr0swh0r3 @avaleineandafryingpan @charlyrmv @avidreader73 @iceclaw101 @loveslide @elegantduckturtle    

My Masterlist!

[yuseirra]

Today's analysis/thoughts~~ I really should leave the story at that but the thoughts keep coming to me, here's what I thought of today!

It's the final arc, isn't it? So if the author goes: "5 chapters until the finale!" now or something - I’ll have to grab the author by the collar… because that would mean they just threw the story away.

But when you combine the chapters, they’re connecting ones that don’t make sense together, so I’m left wondering, “What is this supposed to achieve?” That’s what I’ve been thinking.

The author will handle it, of course, but if this is the end, the movie arc seems unnecessary. Even if it existed, if Hikaru’s reaction had been a little different, or Ai hadn’t told Aqua, “I’d love it if you could help me save this person together,” everything would’ve clicked into place. However, those chapters really stand out to me, and I judged them to be crucial, so I based my interpretations on them. I really like those chapters and consider them to be my favs, too...

I feel like the psychological bridge between the movie arc chapters and the current developments could actually be tied together by the two songs. They work like a sort of adhesive, making me wonder, "Oh, could this be it? Is this what it's about?" Otherwise, I’d just let the story go, thinking, “Whatever happens, happens~~”

Anyway, Ai imagining a happy little family with this person, where they’re pretty and happy…

Or, when Kamiki was in his happy times with Ai…, with a bright smile that’s identical to Ruby’s—something you’d never see now, and a smile that Aqua would never have because of his personality— smiling that brightly…

I very liked those kinds of things.

Like them holding hands or being wrapped in each other's arms… I think they had a beautiful relationship. It could have been that way if not for the terrible life situations Hikaru had to put up with.

That explains why Ai left those words behind.

And it also explains how Kamiki couldn’t give up on Ai and couldn’t bear the fact that she was gone. They did a lot in reaction to that to somehow reverse the situation from their own point of view, and in that process, they completely broke down. If this person hadn’t loved Ai so much, or if they didn’t love her at all, they wouldn’t have fallen apart like this…

Really…I'm sure they never anticipated Ai’s death, nor did they ever wish for it, so that's why when it happened, the shock was immense, and they became so desperate that they completely changed.

If they had knowingly caused this to happen, they wouldn’t have been so extreme, risking everything, pouring their entire life into risky behavior. Why would they go through all of that? They have talent, good looks, and seem to make good money, so what’s there to be unsatisfied about? If they had some idea of what might happen, they’d have gone through a process of rationalizing it. He wouldn't be all about "feeling Ai's presence" the way he is, that seems like the only thing he wants.

From their actions, you can see Kamiki hasn’t come to terms with Ai’s death at all.

He loved Ai so much, and in a world without her, he felt like he simply couldn’t go on. He just can’t break free from those feelings…

If you look at this person’s life, Ai was the only one who ever gave him real happiness, love, or cared for him in a meaningful way. And regardless of how good or bad you are as a person, when someone like that disappears from your life, no one can stay sane. The narrative structure really supports this well. Ai had the president and his wife, her B-Komachi team members(although it wasn't completely friendly), and eventually her children. There were at least people she could share affection with, however small that might’ve been. Even toward her fans, Ai expressed love in her own way. But… if you look at Kamiki’s portrayal, he had none of that, and the relationships he did have were either destructive, indifferent to his situation, or not bad but still not dependable. So, even if Kamiki’s base personality was really good (actually, it's because he had such a good nature that he could smile and endure as long as Ai was there with him, even if she was the only one. He would have recovered; he could have lived if Ai existed. Looking at it, Ai really was that kind of person for him. Despite that, Kamiki never clung so unhealthily to her. It’s only after her death that he lost his mind. When she left, he let her go, and later tried to send her flowers with a smile. If he had been obsessed with her—most people would have been to some degree—then the songs wouldn’t have come out this way, and Ai wouldn’t have left behind so much regret about him. Ai was a character who had the insight to recognize someone’s true character. That’s why I believe Kamiki really was a good person. It’s rare to find someone like that…).

Anyway, I don’t think I can discard the reactions from the movie arc… Since many aspects of Kamiki's emotional state and why he acted the way he did can be derived in those chapters. I feel what he had with Ai was indeed genuine.

When you combine them with the songs, everything meets in the middle and harmonizes perfectly.

The movie arc’s depiction (where they really did love each other and had a good relationship) and the current chapters (where the character has completely lost his mind)

and the songs (something had an influence on Kamiki while he was in a desperate, unstable mental state, wanting to meet Ai again after her death)

—when you put those together, it makes sense.

If you just look at only the movie arc and the current chapters, there’s a gap in between.

Really, this manga…

It’s strangely keeping so many things hidden. If Kamiki were the final boss or the true villain, they wouldn’t handle it like this. I don’t think he can be the final boss or the true villain, anyway… The author will figure it out. But if they were going in that direction, directing it this way would backfire. If Kamiki had done all these bad things, they should show everything and make us cheer for Aqua. But I can’t bring myself to think Aqua’s in the right. He just seems foolish, and it’s frustrating to watch him. He’s not cool at all. It’s annoying. How can he not understand his mother’s heart? He doesn’t listen. He’s stubborn.

Kamiki's a depressed person who’s suffered too much, gone mad, and had no one to help him…

In the song "Fatal,"

“How many times have I wished for it? For a hand to soothe the festering wounds in my heart” < doesn’t a lyric like that come up?

Haha, isn’t this exactly Kamiki? It makes sense that he’d miss Ai so dearly. How would he NOT long for her? She’s gone!! He has no one!!! He believes she died because of him. That’s why he’s gone insane!!!

His own son is trying to kill him, self-harming, drowning him… If he dies, then seriously, what was this person’s life even for? I don’t feel sorry for Aqua. He’s not cool. No one ever wanted him to die, not even Kamiki, who was trying to send him away. Aqua is such a fool!! And anyway, he’s not going to die, is he? So it doesn’t even matter. Saltwater will only make his wounds worse, that idiot. I don’t feel sorry for him at all. He stabbed himself! (I’m so mad). No, I care for Aqua, but the current situation frustrates me~~~~~ why is the story making me feel this way about the main character? And it's not like I'm a person who can't read between the lines. I think A LOT. and I think that's why I've been suffering from reading this piece, UGH.

Honestly, Hikaru’s character analysis can be summed up in just a few words if you look at it simply:

A guy who went insane because he missed Ai too much. This is basically the summary, and I don’t think this will change. After all, the songs are about that—those are the parts of the story that have already been concluded, fully complete.

But when you delve into the details, there are contradictions, lots of unanswered questions, and things don’t seem to fit together. It’s confusing.

However, it doesn’t seem like his character has actually changed that much either. I feel like this was somewhat expected. I just didn’t anticipate the extent of how far he’d gone off the deep end. It was always about the extent for me.

But, when you think about it…

If Hikaru hadn’t really intended to harm Ruby, then Aqua’s actions would have looked completely foolish, so perpaps it was inevitable that something would show he had truly gone mad.

Aqua was trying to avenge Ai by going after this man, but when you think about it, this man really was the one who loved Ai more than anyone else in the world, wasn’t he? They were mutual—both loved each other deeply, and they cared for one another. Kamiki was genuinely a good person, but because of Ai’s death, he broke down because he missed her too much.

So, if Aqua wants to kill him and get revenge for Ai, there’s actually not much justification for it. The address he gave? Honestly, I think that was completely done out of good intentions. Given how he was described as noble, he probably wasn’t such a strange guy up until that point. Considering the fact that Ai and he were mutual, and Ai wants to save him, I think it’s highly likely that he wasn’t guilty of anything major, at least when it came to things involving Ai.

Therefore, if Aqua really planned to die together with him for the sake of revenge or tried to kill him, it'd have just resulted to Aqua just having made a huge mistake. (I mean, in the movie arc, Ruby’s understanding of her mom grew, but Aqua seems like he doesn’t even understand his mom and, despite playing the role of his dad, doesn’t understand him either. Is this because there’s some hidden backstory where he knows his dad’s true nature? What’s going on? Is this because Hikaru really did target Ai on purpose and try to kill her? But if that’s the case!!! If Aqua wanted to kill him over Ai, we’d hear something about Ai, wouldn’t we? He’s only talking about Ruby. In their conversations, it’s Kamiki who brings up Ai directly… even when he’s sinking into the sea he’s thinking he wants to feel Ai’s presence forever. From what I see, aside from asking Ryosuke to deliver flowers, I don’t think he did anything wrong concerning Ai. Maybe he just wanted to deliver flowers, but everything spiraled out of control, driving him insane.)

It all happened by chance. If this guy hadn’t gone insane to the extent of targeting Ruby, then Aqua completely messed up this time, and Aqua is lucky that Hikaru turned out to be such a strange person.

Honestly, this whole development is frustrating.

I can’t even root for Aqua right now, and it just leaves me feeling conflicted. And isn’t Aqua the protagonist? But this whole revenge thing—I'm not even sure if the basic premise is solid. I used to like Aqua, but now I’m left confused—did he really do the right thing? Has anything really been resolved? I don’t know.

This is nothing like a satisfying, cathartic revenge. I’m not even sure if he truly protected Ruby. I mean, sure, maybe he did? But this resolution isn’t good for Ruby either. I don’t think this aligns with what Ai wanted or what Ruby wanted.

Even the dramatic scene of Aqua falling into the water—he’s doing the exact opposite of what Ai wanted, saying, "My mission wasn’t about revenge." That’s what makes me mad. What’s he doing? He said he’d grant Ai’s wish, right? Well, then what he’s doing now is not that!! What would’ve happened if his dad wasn’t as crazy as he thought?

So, plot-wise, even though this direction might fit with Aqua being the protagonist,

I still don’t understand what any of this is supposed to be… Two people who lost Ai and fell apart are now trying to kill each other. It’s frustrating. This doesn’t feel right. It’s like there’s some other culprit who caused all this, but instead, it’s just these two broken people destroying each other.

This isn’t the end of the story, no way. I’m not worried at all, the plot is too weak for that to happen.

I’m not even a bit concerned about Aqua’s life; it wasn’t a wise choice he made to begin with.

Maybe Taiki will come and pull him out of the water, take him to Kana’s concert in his car.

And as for Kamiki… if Ai’s wish holds any meaning, maybe he has a chance for redemption.

Honestly, if he’s saved somehow, that would be something worth watching. The fact that we don’t know anything concrete yet suggests that his thoughts and words may be insane, but his actions might not have amounted to much at all (yeah...I also think that's really low chance). Still, I don’t expect much—I just hope there’s a reason behind why this character’s life was written to be so miserable.

I have some idea of how the manga might progress overall, but as I’m reading it chapter by chapter, I can’t help but get caught up and swayed by everything happening in it… I should probably just read on and accept whatever comes. As long as Kamiki doesn’t have hundreds of hidden corpses somewhere (because then the genre really would take a turn… lol), I think it’ll be fine. That would be so freaky and scary and ridiculous and it'd make me go what is this manga even??? Hope that won't happen because Ai, really did love this man with all her heart. And I think he tried...to do his best for her in his own way but somehow that made him turn this way... hope that's handled as something tragic and melancholic, not just.. some disastrous, freaky, undesirable mess.. it wouldn't contribute to the story in any way.

[drewharrisonwriter]

Lifeline - Ch. 6: Ireland

Pairings: Dieter Bravo x Female Reader, referred to as “Honey” 

Series Summary: After basically being dropped and rejected by every PR agency in Hollywood for being such a huge liability, Dieter Bravo must work on resetting his public image in the most unexpected ways.

Author's Notes: I have been working on this fic on and off for the past year, and this story is a little personal to me. Yes, I am trauma dumping in some scenes lol but I also want to say that there will be so many unrealistic things about Hollywood, actors, and PR/Marketing agencies here, to which I apologize.

Warnings: Angst, a little drama, lots of flashbacks. More warnings to come as the story progresses.

Read this on AO3 | Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Honey sat in her car, hands gripping the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles turned white. She stared blankly at the road ahead, her mind replaying every word, every strained look Dieter had thrown her way. The anger, the hurt, the deflection—it was all so painfully familiar. She had thought she’d built enough walls to keep herself safe this time, but the cracks were already showing, and she felt herself sinking under the weight of it all.

She’d done this before—tried to save Dieter from himself, tried to be the steady force when everything else was crumbling. But back then, she’d had something more than hope, she had him… all of him, all of his trust, his love... 

She doesn’t have that anymore. She doesn’t have him anymore. 

Now, all she felt was the gnawing dread that no matter how much she tried, Dieter was always one step away from slipping back into the darkness.

Her phone buzzed in the passenger seat—a message from Mitch, checking in, but she couldn’t bring herself to respond. She knew Mitch was worried too, but he hadn’t seen Dieter like she had, not in the quiet moments when the bravado faded and the fear bled through. Mitch didn’t know the way Dieter’s eyes looked when he thought no one was watching, the way he gripped the edge of his sanity like a lifeline. Honey knew, and that was the part that haunted her most.

Honey forced herself to start the car, driving aimlessly through the city until she found herself back at her office. 

The empty space was a stark contrast to the chaos swirling in her mind. She dropped her bag on the desk and slumped into her chair, letting the stillness wash over her. This place was supposed to be her sanctuary, the life she’d built on her own terms, far from the noise of her past. But today, it felt like everything was closing in.

She opened her laptop, pulling up her schedule, her emails, and anything to distract herself from the gnawing feeling in her chest. But as she scrolled, her mind drifted back—back to ten years ago, to a conversation that had changed everything.

–

They were sitting on the porch of Dieter’s old apartment, the night air warm and thick with the scent of summer. Honey was leaning back, her feet tucked under her, sipping on a glass of iced tea. Dieter had been quieter than usual that evening, fidgeting and lost in thought. Honey noticed but didn’t press him, waiting for him to come around. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he turned to her, a strange mix of excitement and anxiety in his eyes.

“I got the role,” he said suddenly, the words tumbling out almost breathlessly. “Hunger Strike. I got it.”

Honey’s face lit up instantly, a broad smile spreading across her lips. She jumped up, wrapping her arms around his neck in a tight embrace. “Dieter, oh my God! I knew you’d get it. This is it, this is what you’ve been working for!” She pulled back to look at him, her eyes bright with pride. “You deserve this. You’ve worked so hard.”

Dieter’s initial nerves eased as he watched her excitement, and a grin tugged at his lips. He hadn’t realized how much he needed her reaction, her belief in him, to fully accept that this was real. He started talking fast, his mind already racing with plans. “Yeah, I can’t believe it. And guess what? We’ll get to spend like six months in Ireland. I mean, can you imagine? We could explore Dublin on our days off, maybe even head to the countryside—”

Honey’s smile faltered, and she let out a nervous chuckle, interrupting his flow. “Wait, what do you mean ‘we’? I mean, I can’t just pick up and leave, Dieter. I have my job, my students…”

Dieter blinked, caught off guard. “Of course, you’re coming with me. I don’t want to do this long-distance thing, Honey. Everyone knows those never work. We’d be miserable, you’d be here, I’d be there. I don’t want that kind of strain on us.”

Honey sighed, her fingers playing with the edge of her glass. “Dieter, being together doesn’t guarantee things will work out, either. We can’t just uproot everything because it’s convenient right now. We’ve only been together for just over a year, and so much has already changed. What’s another year going to do to us?”

Dieter’s expression shifted, confusion and a hint of panic creeping in. He’d always seen their relationship as solid, something to build on, and her hesitation felt like a betrayal of that vision. “What are you saying? You don’t think we’ll make it?”

Honey hesitated, struggling to find the right words. “I think… I think relationships are complicated. We’re committed, but things change. People change. We’re still figuring us out, and now there’s all this pressure to make it work. We need to be realistic about that.”

Dieter’s mind raced, and the thought of losing her, of being so far away without that certainty, made his chest tighten. The insecurity gnawed at him, so he said the first thing that came to his mind, desperate to anchor them. “Let’s get married.”

Honey laughed nervously, caught completely off guard. “What?”

“I’m serious,” Dieter insisted, leaning forward. “Let’s elope. Before I leave, we can do it. I’ll get you on my insurance, we’ll figure it out as we go. We both want to get married, right? Have tons of kids? Let’s just do it now, lock this down before anything can mess it up.”

Honey’s smile faded, and she shook her head, her voice soft but firm. “Dieter, we talked about this. Yeah, someday, but not like this. We’re not ready. We’re barely figuring out how to live together. Jumping into marriage won’t solve anything.”

Dieter’s frustration bubbled over, his plans unraveling before him. “I’m not saying we have to start a family right now. But I want to marry you, Honey. I want to make sure this—us—doesn’t fall apart because of some stupid distance. It’s the right thing to do.”

Honey could feel the argument heating up, and her own frustrations flared. “Getting married isn’t a band-aid, Dieter! It’s not some quick fix to make us feel better. And it’s not about the ‘right thing to do.’ This isn’t about insurance or logistics; this is about whether we’re ready to take that step.”

Dieter stood up, pacing the porch, his anger simmering just beneath the surface. “So, what? We just stay here and hope things don’t fall apart? I don’t want to be stuck in some maybe-future where we don’t even try.”

“I’m not asking you to be stuck,” Honey said, her voice rising with frustration. “I’m saying we need to be realistic about where we are. You’re about to have your big break, and I’m proud of you, but it doesn’t mean we have to rush into something we’re not ready for.”

The tension thickened, and Dieter’s next words came out sharper than he intended. “Maybe we need a break then.”

Honey froze, her heart plummeting. She scoffed, masking the hurt with anger. “A break? Really? You think that’s the solution? You don’t take breaks in a relationship, Dieter. It’s either you’re in, or you’re out. And it sounds like you want out.”

Dieter’s expression softened, realizing too late the impact of his words. He hadn’t meant to push her away, but the fear of losing her had twisted into something unrecognizable. Honey stood, gathering her things with a shaky breath, her voice quieter now, tinged with sadness. “I wasn’t asking for a perfect plan, Dieter. I just wanted us to keep going, to figure it out as we went. You’re about to do something incredible, something you’ve always dreamed of. And I was willing to wait—to stay here, support you from afar, and make it work. Six months isn’t forever. But if you think a break is what you need, then we’re not on the same page anymore.”

She paused, searching his face for some sign of the man she loved, the man who’d promised they’d face whatever came their way together. But all she saw was confusion and fear, a mirror of her own emotions reflected back at her. “I wanted to be with you, even if it meant being apart for a while. But I can’t make you want that too. I can’t keep holding on if you’re not sure.”

Honey’s voice wavered, a mix of anger and heartbreak that she couldn’t quite hide. “So, go. Go do what you need to do, Dieter. I want you to have this, I want you to be happy. But don’t expect me to put my life on pause while you figure yours out.”

She turned and walked away, her footsteps heavy against the wooden porch, leaving Dieter standing there, stunned and helpless. He wanted to call her back, to take it all back, but the distance between them had already started to grow, an unbridgeable divide that neither of them knew how to cross.

–

Honey sat at her desk, her mind lost in a haze of regret and self-recrimination. The flashback of her breakup with Dieter lingered like a phantom, haunting her even now. She had built a life without him—a successful career, a polished professional persona—but moments like today reminded her how fragile it all was. Beneath her calm exterior, guilt festered, whispering that maybe she had played a part in Dieter’s downward spiral.

What if she hadn’t pushed him away that night? What if she’d gone to Ireland with him, supported his dreams up close instead of from a distance? She had convinced herself back then that she was doing the right thing, setting boundaries to protect them both, but watching Dieter unravel now made her question everything. Honey couldn’t help but wonder if she was partly responsible for the man he had become—the headlines, the scandals, the self-destruction. If she had stayed, could she have saved him from himself?

She sighed deeply, rubbing her temples as she tried to push those thoughts aside. But they clung to her, a weight she couldn’t shake. Honey was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she almost didn’t hear the soft chime of her office door. It was only when she looked up and saw Phil standing there, his familiar smile easing some of the tension in her chest, that she was pulled back to the present.

Phil had always had a way of grounding her, of reminding her that there was more to life than the ghosts of the past. He entered the room with his usual confidence, a bouquet of sunflowers in hand, and Honey couldn’t help but smile despite the heaviness in her heart.

“Hey, you,” Phil said, his voice warm as he approached her desk. He set the flowers down gently, leaning against the edge of her desk with casual familiarity. “Thought you could use a little sunshine.”

Honey smiled, genuinely touched by the gesture. “Phil, these are beautiful. You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to,” he said simply, watching her with a knowing expression. “Mitch called me earlier, mentioned it’s been a rough day with Dieter. I figured you could use something to brighten it up a bit.” Phil’s voice was gentle, but Honey could sense the unspoken question beneath his words.

She ran her fingers along the petals of the sunflowers, her smile faltering. “Yeah, it was… rough. You know how it is.”

Phil studied her, his expression softening. He knew Honey well enough to understand the weight she was carrying, even if she never fully voiced it. He leaned back, crossing his arms casually. “You don’t have to play it cool with me, you know. You’re always trying to keep it all together, but sometimes you’re allowed to just be… I don’t know, human.”

Honey laughed softly, not out of amusement but because Phil had always seen right through her. “Yeah, well, it’s easier said than done. I’ve got this whole image to maintain, right?” She tried to deflect, but Phil wasn’t buying it.

“I’m not talking about your PR persona,” Phil said, his tone light but sincere. “You’ve built all of this on your own—Trace, the clients, your whole damn empire. But every time you take on something like this with Dieter, you act like it’s just another job when we both know it’s not. You can’t keep pretending this doesn’t get to you.”

Honey’s smile faded, and she met Phil’s gaze. It was moments like this that reminded her why she’d never crossed the line from friendship into something more with him. Phil saw her in a way that made it impossible to hide, and that scared her more than she cared to admit. “It’s not that simple, Phil. It never has been.”

Phil gave a small, understanding nod. “It’s never simple with the people who matter. But that’s kind of the point, isn’t it? You keep taking on everyone else’s mess, but when was the last time you let someone else in on yours?”

Honey opened her mouth to respond, but the words got stuck. She was used to being the fixer, the one who held it all together, and the idea of leaning on someone—even someone as kind and patient as Phil—felt foreign. “I don’t know,” she admitted quietly. “It’s just… complicated.”

Phil didn’t push, but his eyes softened. “Complicated I can handle. But if you keep bottling it up, you’re going to hit a wall.” He reached out and gently tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, a simple, comforting gesture. “You don’t have to do this alone, you know.”

Honey took a breath, feeling a mix of gratitude and guilt. “I know. I’m trying, Phil. I really am.”

Phil gave her a soft smile, sensing her conflict but knowing better than to press further. “Just remember, I’m here. Whenever you’re ready.”

As Phil turned to leave, he paused, watching Honey for a moment. “You know,” he began thoughtfully, “I didn’t put you in this because you were the only option. I did it because I knew you’d see Dieter for who he really is, beyond the mess, the headlines, and all that noise.”

Honey looked up, caught off guard by the sincerity in his voice. She had always assumed Phil was just helping Mitch out of convenience, but hearing him say it like that made it feel more deliberate—like he believed in her for reasons that went beyond her professional skills.

Phil gave a small shrug, his expression softening. “You’ve always been good at seeing through the bullshit, Honey. And I think, deep down, you’ve still got a little hope left for him. I just… I wanted you to know that I see that, too.”

Honey’s chest tightened, a mix of gratitude and guilt flooding through her. Phil had seen what she hadn’t been ready to admit—that part of her wasn’t just here for a job but because she still cared. She nodded, her voice barely above a whisper. “Thanks, Phil. That means a lot.”

Phil smiled, offering one last reassuring squeeze of her hand before he left. The door closed softly behind him, leaving Honey alone with her thoughts and the bright sunflowers that seemed to shine a light on all the tangled strings of emotions she’d been trying to keep and tuck away in a box in her head.

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