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quirkless-accident · 3 years

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You know there are a ton of stories where Izuku gets the crossover as a mentor, but why not switch it? Old Ghost King Danny finds Bakugou one day being a bully and sets him straight, then later Bakugou sees Danny beat a villain. So he comes around later and Danny helps him be less of a disaster. So a quick look at the UA acceptance exams with a calmer Bakugou, less traumatized Izuku, and Danny and All Might chatting about their little apprentices.

ooooh im definitely going to make a sequel for this one

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Danny has had his fair share of bullies in his three hundred-ish years hanging out in the human realm. There was Dash, of course, when he was still alive. Skulker sure does know how to press his buttons sometimes. Even now that he's the king, sometimes he'll take an ill-fated swing and spend the next couple months in the thermos. Endeavour is another, when they went to school together, and even now, that both of them are pros. Working out the transformation part of his powers had been tricky, because he didn't really remember what he looked like when he was sixteen, but it worked out in the end.

But now there's this kid yelling about being the best hero ever, and he's beating the snot out of someone else.

Well, Danny knows for a fact that that isn't super heroic.

He walks up with little fanfare, but sure does give the kid a good scare. Despite the cold permanently clinging to his body, he can sneak up on people quite easily. He was naturally quiet when he was alive, and now that he's dead, his ghost instincts take over.

He places a hand on the kid's shoulder with a raised eyebrow. The kid he's beating up takes the opportunity to run away, clutching his bag to his chest as he does so. The kid tries to weasel his way out of Danny's grip, but the ghost king holds firm.

"For all that talk about wanting to be a hero you sure don't act like it, kid," he says.

"What the fuck are you talking about, you geezer?" The kid huffs. And, man, the mouth on him. He couldn't be more then twelve maybe. Danny gives him an icy smile to show that he's not playing around.

"Kid. You want to be a hero. Right?"

"Duh! What else would I be?"

"Heroes don't hurt innocent people, kid. Somewhere in that big brain of yours you surely already understand that."

The kid stays silent, but he doesn't let his fierce red eyes waver from Danny's calm, green ones. Danny sighs and gives the kid a level look. Despite his hero work and Ghost King duties, he does have free time. Maybe he could use it to tutor the kid into not being such a jackass.

"What's your name?" He asks.

"Why the hell should I tell you?" The kid barks back.

"It's only polite. My name is Danny."

"Tch," the kid says, turning his head away as if Danny isn't worth his time.

"Look," Danny says. "You wanna be a hero. I can help you with that. But if you really think you're gonna make it in the world of heroics with a shit attitude like that then you've got one rude awakening coming up."

"Well it's his fault for looking down on me!" The kid finally snaps, looking at Danny once more and not backing down. The kid's got spunk, he'll give him that.

"Did he actually say that, or is it in your head?" Danny asks. He's been on this planet for over three hundred years. At this point he can confidently smell an inferiority complex a mile away. And judging from the kid's sudden silence, he knows what the answer to his question is.

"Look," Danny pulls out his card and hands it over. It doesn't have a number on it. Just his name, and on the other side a place for him to scratch with a coin. "Take this. You ever decide you finally want some help learning how to be a good hero, just scratch that and I'll be there. Time knows we don't need another Endeavour on our hands."

"Endeavour sucks," the kid spits out. "All Might is way better."

"I suppose it's a good thing he's number one then," he replied. He takes his hand off of the kid's shoulder and stands back up to his full height.

"Why should I trust a dirty old hobo like you?" The kid asks. And, okay, he's not wrong but he could have been nicer about it. The white hair and the green eyes were easier to keep, but they weren't uncommon enough for him to be pegged as Phantom. And to downplay it even more, he wears clothes that don't fit properly so he can hide his figure. It only makes sense when you're a pretty popular hero.

"I think they call that a leap of faith. When you're ready you should try it sometime."

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It's three weeks later when Katsuki is saved by the mysterious man with white hair. Who just so happens to be another cool hero. The number 13 hero, to be exact. And Katsuki had all but told him to fuck off.

God, he was kind of an idiot sometimes.

He had been thinking about what Phantom had said. About De-Izuku looking down on him being in his head. He doesn't remember why he started thinking these things. He just remembers the burning anger associated with it. Maybe it was because Izuku was the only one dumb enough to stand up to him. Or maybe it's because, even when Katsuki pushes and pushes and pushes Izuku still resists, and wants to be his friend. He doesn't understand it, and that makes him frustrated, which just makes him angry all over again.

And it's exhausting, being angry all the time. It's like he's got this knot in his chest and every time he tries to untangle it, to unravel it and let himself relax for once, it just gets more and more tangled. And holy hell does it fucking ache. He's tired of being angry and he's tired of being followed around by idiots who don't know how to think for themselves and he's-he's just tired, he thinks.

He looks over at the card on his nightstand. A constant reminder that has Katsuki's thought's going in circles.

Because Phantom was right. Izuku hadn't necessarily done anything wrong. He wasn't a villain. And heroes were only supposed to fight villains. So why did he bother staining his own knuckles with Izuku's blood?

He finds a coin at the bottom of the drawer and scratches at the back of the card.

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"Katsuki Bakugou."

"What?" Phantom asks him.

"My name. It's Katsuki Bakugou. You asked me last time we talked."

"That I did," Phantom says, and there's a small, ghost of a smile on his lips. He holds out his hand for Katsuki to shake. "It's nice to finally meet you, Katsuki Bakugou. Are you ready to get started?"

Katsuki grips the hand like his life depends on it. He does not shiver from the cold seeping through Phantom's gloved hand.

"I was born ready."

------

Training with Phantom isn't like anything Katsuki thought it was going to be. Sure, sometimes they worked with his quirk and his fighting and the process of building muscle. But most of the time, they just talked.

They talked about why Katsuki wanted to be a hero. All his life, the reason was always so simple until now. He wanted to be the best. He wanted to be like-no, better-than All Might. And to do that he needed to be at the top.

But Phantom had just shook his head with an almost sad smile and asked him again. A clear order to think on it some more. To go down deeper than that.

It had taken nearly a year for Katsuki to come back with an answer.

In that year, he's had more conversations. Some about his mom being annoying. Some about how he and Izuku have sort of fixed their relationship. Izuku has always been quick to forgive, but it doesn't stop the burning guilt Katsuki feels every time he looks at the boy without his shirt off.

Overtime they work through his inferiority complex and when Katsuki feels frustrated at someone or something he takes it out on Phantom during their training, because he can take the hits. But that's also not healthy all the time, so he also writes in a journal occasionally. Usually when Phantom isn't available.

And overtime, the knot in his chest lessens. It becomes manageable. It's still there, and probably always will be. Katsuki doesn't know how to not be angry. It's one of the only emotions he knows how to express really well. But his chest doesn't ache anymore with the anger. And usually, when he is feeling that way, it's not because someone is looking down at him. It's because someone else is being a bully. It's because someone else has knocked Izuku to the ground and Katsuki in all his righteous anger will not be stopped. It's sometimes at himself, when he remembers what he put his best friend through for the better part of a decade.

Because Izuku is his best friend. Probably his only real friend. And Katsuki had treated him like shit.

Phantom was right. That hadn't been super heroic of him.

Because Izuku was still strong in his own ways. With his unwavering determination and his expert analysis Katsuki is sure he'll be a good hero some day.

He doesn't know how to say these words out loud, though, so instead he invites Izuku to jog with him in the mornings and do homework together after school, and that's okay for now.

----------

"Where are we?" Bakugou asks. Phantom looks down at him. He's grown so much over the past couple years, it's hard to imagine that he had once been a snot nosed brat with an attitude problem.

And he still was. But it was more manageable than it was before. It didn't consume Bakugou's every waking moment like it used to, and Phantom couldn't be more proud of his student.

"We're in my home," Phantom answered, gesturing to the swirling green abyss. "This is the Ghost Zone. Come one, I'll show you my Keep."

It didn't take them far to get there. The castle has aged with him through the years. It's no longer dark and dreary like how Pariah had had it. Instead, it's bricks are well kept and the gardens tamed by his groundskeeper who's obsession is gardening. The inside is not particularly bright, but anybody could still see just fine. It's got a homey, lived in kind of feel to it. Even when he keeps it cold for his core, it feels warm. It feels like home.

In the throne room there is his big fancy chair with his crown and his cape sitting perfectly folded. As he puts them on, marveling for the millionth time as the constellations on the inside of his cape move around, he directs Bakugou's attention to the portraits on his walls.

They are of his family. His friends. Long, long since passed but not a day goes by where Danny doesn't think about them.

"These were my friends and family," he says. He hasn't quite explained to Bakugou that he's three hundred years old and actually dead, but he's sure that with all of this cold, hard proof surrounding him the conversation will be easier. "These are my parents," he gestures to their portraits. His father takes up nearly all of his frame with his broad shoulders and barrel chest. His mother is smiling serenely towards the viewer, her eyes sharp with knowledge. "This was my sister, Jazz," he gestures. Jazz is sitting ramrod straight just like always. There are crows feet around her eyes, and her favorite blue headband keeping her bangs out of her face. She looks as kind and intelligent as she did the day she died. He moves over to Sam and Tucker, and introduces them to Bakugou. Tucker had filled out as he got older. Ghost hunting will do that to a person, he supposes. But he's also the most intelligent person Danny's ever met, and it shows, with his easy smile and his relaxed shoulders. He had done very well in life, Danny remembers. Sam had long hair when the portrait was made, but it had been buzzed down when she died. The portrait sometimes can't decide which one it wants to show, so it slowly flickers between the two hairstyles. She's got tattoos covering all of her exposed skin that isn't her face. She's got obvious muscle from her time as a ghost hunter as well, but even more so as he time as an activist. She is the kindest person Danny has ever known. Her heart holds enough for every living thing. Especially the things people would cast aside without a second glance.

It's the final portrait that makes Phantom hesitate, just for a moment. Not because he doesn't enjoy seeing her, but because she is hard to talk about. It's been hundreds of years, but one doesn't forget the pain of losing their partner so easily.

"This was my wife, Valerie," he tells Bakugou, who has been oddly silent this whole time. "She was a ghost hunter, too. But she was also...My queen. Words cannot describe the pain I felt when I finally lost her." Phantom hold the ring that sits around his neck as he follows the grey streak in Valerie's hair. Her eyes are big and brown and absolutely stunning. Sometimes when Phantom isn't feeling his best, he'll sit beside her portrait and just talk to her. It's not quite the same as it was when she was alive, but it still brings some comfort. And that's not nothing.

"Why are you showing them to me?" Bakugou asks. There is no bite or bark to his words. Just a solemn curiosity that Phantom understands a bit to well.

"These were the people I fought for. The people I protected for. I leaned on them when I couldn't stand on my own. I trusted them with my greatest secrets, and was better for it. I had their help, their support, and their unwavering loyalty, so long as I gave the same to them. I'm showing you this part of my history because it is important for you to understand this lesson and ask yourself.

"Katsuki Bakugou, who do you fight for?"

#danny phantom #danny fenton #ghostking!danny #bakugou katsuki #dynamight #ground zero #bnha #mha #boku no academia #my hero academia

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breaddaerb · 4 years

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do you have any hcs for killjoy and breach? based purely on voicelines they have the funniest relationship i stg

[ killjoy & breach I ]

✎↷: lil short this time, here you go!

the nerd and the jock interaction. who knew it could happen? not killjoy, but she had weaseled her way over to breach in her usual pep and spunk to introduce herself to the new recruit only to be straight up bullied. he’d laughed and said ‘oh, you’re the one with those little plastic toys? they’re hilarious, killjoy, it’s great!’ and she has been insulted ever since that fateful day.

killjoy can’t live a day without breach’s torment. their friendship isn’t ‘friendly’ in the manner you’d think it is, and makes itself known by endless taunts and jokes. at some point, it looks like they’re genuinely fighting even when things are actually fine between the two, and brimstone has given up on trying to separate them when they’re at each other’s throats.

they’re like two siblings, except far apart and angrier. they bicker and stab one another in the back and then they’re teaming up against someone because no, you’re not involved in this business and we’re going to tear you apart for it. they’re talented engineers at the very root of it, and while they’d be unstoppable if they tried working together, it’s never going to happen. breach has unironically slapped killjoy a few times.

breach likes to hold killjoy’s belongings out of her reach. the german is tall enough on her own, but she can’t reach up to breach’s height and leads to her biggest dilemma. she used to try to scale up the length of his body to reach the cursed wrench that he stole away from her, and while it worked for a while, she’s found that tasering the man works much more efficiently.

(her taser went confiscated by sage, and she whined about it all week until the healer begrudgingly gave it back.)

as little as they work together, killjoy and breach have an unspoken agreement of partnering up together. his flashes and her turrets work well, and this partnership carries out into regular life. it’s a spectrum of things, like the glitter bomb left at raze’s door or the purposefully hidden sweets for them to share when the rest of the agents are asleep. little criminals, they are.

breach has slammed killjoy into a locker once. it was actually less of a locker and more of a storage closet, but the engineer whined and kicked until she broke down the whole door and chased after breach when she got out. that time, cypher held her back for breach’s life’s sake, though she definitely got back at him in other ways after that experience.

when the valorant protocol was holding an in-house sparring session, killjoy won against breach. it was a day that no one thought would ever come and yet did. killjoy had disabled breach’s arms and held him face down, straddling his back in a victoriously sweaty way. it’s one of the times she actually holds pride for herself, and other agents are in awe of it.

#valorant #valorant headcanons #valorant scenarios #valorant killjoy #valorant breach #breach #killjoy

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tellywoodtrash · 4 years

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immj2 04.01.21 lb

“iss chaaku se tumhari gardan ki nass kaat doon, riddhima?”

omg what a dreamboat. he’s asking for consent before murdering her! #husbandGoals 🥰🥰🥰

ouff so much drama and blah blah about dhoka. i’m so bored. i really don’t give a fuck about his “issues” anymore. go take it up with a therapist who’s paid to deal with this nonsense, bro.

if i was her, i’d just be like just murder me and get it over with, dude. 🙄🙄🙄 he clearly wants to. stop being a pussy and just do it, fucker. no point hiding it, we all know you’re a murderous psychopath and there’s no redeeming you. so just bloody do it and embrace your true identity.

ohhohohoho manpain about being “totally broken”. is that supposed to make me sympathetic to him? coz it’s not working. go cry into your 5000 crore, asshole.

jesus christ, why is this girl like this???????????? self respect naam ki cheez aaas paaas se bhi nahi bhatkiiiii hai iske. imagine being this fucking desperate for a man’s love, lmao. couldn’t be me.

you love me? prove it. murder someone for me.

bhai tumhare liye main APNE nakhoon na kaatooon, let alone someone else’s galaa.

“uss insaan ka naam hai, kabir.”

her jhijak is unrealistic. i’d murder that haraami for free, just like, ainvayi mein; no need for proof of pyaar competition or anything. it’d already be on my 2021 to do list, and the sooner i crossed it off, the better. i can enjoy the rest of my year without him fucking it up on a daily basis.

anyway blah blah this is the only way to prove your love and oh my god this show is just so stupidddddddddddddddd. and she’s even more stupid for standing here listening to this bs instead of just laughing in his face and going and packing her bags to gtfo this madhouse.

“jaanta hoon imtihaan asaan nahi hai, lekin mera pyaar paana bhi itna aasaan nahi hai. haina?” ABBE OHHHHHHHHHH, PYAAR HAI KI UPSC KA EXAM???????? AT LEAST THAT GIVES SARKAARI NAUKRI AND PF AND TONS OF OTHER PERKS; TERE SADDE HUE PYAAR KE KYA HI BENEFITS HAIN CHUTIYE?????????

omfg now he’s all kal kuldevi ki pooja hai and pooja balidaan maangti hai, you have to mitaofy the rakshas and MY GOD LITERALLY GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE YOU STUPID FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK I CANNOT TAKE THIS SHOW AND CHARACTER SERIOUSLY ANYMORE IT’S ALL JUST SO FUCKING RIDICULOUSSSSSSSSSSS

btw ofc ahaana is watching all this from the shadows.

on one hand ahaana is like bitch are you fucking crazy? you just caaaaaaasually asked her to murder someone??? on the other she’s like why you giving her this opportunity to dho-ofy her paap. sis what side are you on? pro-murder or against? it’s kinda not clear rn.

she keeps talking about some promise and plan and all.............. like just tell us already. i need to know what’s in this whole mess for herrrrrr.

anyway she’s showing much more spunk than riddhima has in 6+ months, snatching away his documents, not returning them to him when he tries taking them, and demanding answers of him as he tries to weasel outta it. i like. you go girl, be a menace to him!

anyway i don’t care about their ainvayi ki tashanbaazi and paheli waale monologues. here, have a Chehra Appreciation Break. let’s hope his beard doesn’t get wilder than this.

she’s needling him ki oh god, do you actually still love that dumbass bitch and he’s all “pyaar bohut ajeeb sa ghaav hota hai, jiske dard pe bhi dil apna haq rakhta hai.” ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, CHULHE MEIN JAAYE TUM LOGON KA MANHOOS PYAAR. ARIJIT SINGH WAS WRONG. SOME ISHQ TRULY IS A KALANK, NOT A KAAJAL PIYAAAA.

anyway ahaana’s reaction matches mine:

he stormed out and ahaana is maarofying some boss bitch dialogues, ki she’ll make him keep his promise to her and what not. i hope she’s asked for a 1000 crore worth of stock options, not something fucking dumb like............ his pyaar or some shit. ugh pls sis. be better.

i don’t care.

how am i supposed to feel bad for this supremely stupid bitch? i can’t. i just can’t.

lahu moonh lag gaya. bitch decided to go for it.

ahaana trying to warn kabir that his ass about to get murdered......

isko hassi aa rahi hai. coz he knows how cute he is and no one could kill a baby marshmallow face like him.

“woh mujhe AB kyun maaregi? usse mujhe maarna hota toh bohut pehle maar chuki hoti.” lmaooooooooooooooo i mean..... it’s true. you��ve been asking for it for monthssss now.

lmaoooooooo the way ahaana agrees too.

well. she tried. baaki rabb ke hawaale.

the way she doesn’t want riddhima to be successful in killing kabir and thus back together with vansh makes me think..................... this bitch thinking with her pussy too. she too just want some vansh D. ugh. heere jade hue hain kya uspein?????

ugh shirali strikes again with the horrible military style kurtas. IT’S 2021, MADAM. PLEASE STOP SUBJECTING US TO THE SAME CRAP WE’VE BEEN LOOKING AT SINCE 2016 IN ISHQBAAAZ.

pooja mein baithe baithe murder ki baat kar raha hai. hadh hai, bhai. hadhhhhhhh hi hai. mata rani photu se nikal ke aake tera vinaash na karein????????

yeah, i’m thinking ahaana def. has the hots for V, the way she doesn’t want him to get back together with riddhima. godddddd, i hope it’s not love, and that she just wants to marry him and get her hands on all this $$$$$$. pls ahaana, i’m begging of you, don’t be a mediocre b like riddhima.

yeh kaisi pooja hai jahaan prashad mein bandook bat-the hain? bitch i want ladoo or nothing.

ok i need to go put my face in my cat’s belly fluff now, as a reward for watching this supremely crap episode. here, you also have a pic of him, for sitting through reading this shit.

#ishq mein marjawan 2 #immj2 #immj2 lbs #episode liveblogs

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beautifullyfoolishendeavors · 5 years

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Peggy Carter x Reader x Steve Rogers.

Part 2 of ?

Part 1

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

The first time Peggy grabbed your hand, you thought you might faint.

The first time she hugged you, it was like a weight had been lifted off your chest.

The first time she kissed you, it was... Fireworks.

Bliss. Pure and utter bliss.

Tonight, Peggy was taking you out to a new tavern - or, new to the two of you, at least. She heard there was a good dance scene and you had the feeling she was just trying to find an excuse to show off for you.

You certainly weren’t complaining.

The music was bright and cheery, but with a bit of an edge to it, a bite to the canny sound of the brass. You could get into this.

Before you knew it, Peggy had you by the arm and was tugging you onto the dance floor. You barely resisted.

She grinned at you, gazing into your eyes as she moved with abandon. Goodness, was she adorable. She was somehow graceful and wild all at once, moving seamlessly between swift, ecstatic movements and a more laidback, easy rhythm. You loved watching her move. Every second of it.

You’re not entirely sure how he got your attention, that small boy across the room. But somehow he caught your eye.

He was so small you were briefly taken aback. What was someone so, well, scrawny doing here? You could only assume he was around your age, being in a place like this, and the blond hair, slight slouch, and crumpled clothes certainly looked American. And there weren’t many civilians around here.

So... Oh, yes, that’s a uniform. They let that little man in?

You shook your head and returned your attention to your partner, who had already noticed your wandering eyes.

But, as always, she simply smirked. “You lookin at Rogers? The little thing by the bar?”

You nodded carefully, “Yeah, I thought kids weren’t allowed around here,” you joked halfheartedly.

Peggy giggled beside herself. “Well you’d be wise not say that to his face. He doesn’t like bullies.”

You smiled. “Is that so? The little guy has spunk, huh?”

“Something like that.” There was something more to Peggy’s expression - concern? Admiration? You weren’t sure.

“So, uh, what’s his story?” You asked, unsure how to feel about this guy, or how Peggy talks about him.

“Well, I know he tried time and time again to weasel his way in, the lad was determined to fight the Nazis. To fight for those they’re doing everything they can to tear apart. And he’s... I don’t know, love, but he’s... Special.” Peggy blushed.

Surprising even yourself, you felt yourself smile. “I can believe that.”

You glanced over at the young man again. He was... Pretty. Small, for sure, but also bold. There was an odd confidence to his body language, like a lion cub who hasn’t yet learned that it’s not as big or strong as its mama. You’d bet he wasn’t afraid of anything.

Suddenly, he glanced up from his drink and met your eyes. You smiled.

He smiled back.

OH.

Wow, you hadn’t been able to see them before, but his eyes were bright, almost captivating, even from this distance. You saw him shift, perhaps considering coming over to you, but if so, something changed his mind. His gaze shifted to Peggy, and following your gaze, your lover glanced back to him as well. She gave a coy wave, and that was enough to get him out of his chair.

That look... Well, I knew that look. I’m sure it’s exactly the one I had on my face the first time Peggy spoke to me. And the second. And the third.

Bollocks. (Ha, my baby really has been rubbing off on me.)

What were you to make of this?

But as Rogers approached, it wasn’t Peggy he was looking at anymore.

“Agent Carter,” the man acknowledged Peggy with a polite nod, but he barely took his eyes off you. What was up with that?

“Steve. This is Y/N, it’s their first night out around here. Care to help me show them a good time?” Peggy winked at you.

What is happening???

Though he tried to hide it, Steve blushed. He was clearly excited, and nervous. “Would you care to dance?” He offered you his arm, and you took it tentatively, glancing back at your girlfriend, who smiled and made reassuring shooing gestures. Okay, this was weird.

You turned your attention to the man in front of you. He was quite a few inches shorter than you, but he didn’t feel it. The man knew how to lead. His hand, if bony, exhibited no hesitation as it found its way to the small of your back. You felt comfortable, safe, and perhaps a bit flushed. You gazed down into his brilliant eyes.

“Well, Steve, it’s very nice to make your acquaintance.”

The man smiled shyly.

“The pleasure is all mine.”

#steve rogers #peggy carter #captain america #reader insert #peggy x reader #steve x reader #steve rogers x reader #writing #valwrites #val writes #mcu #buggy prompt

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inkstaineddove · 5 years

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Dancing With the Devil

Ships: AusHun, PruHun; PruAus of some king if you squint

Characters: Austria, Prussia, Hungary, Maria Theresa, Frederick the Great, Britain; mentioned Russia and France

Summary: To bring some joy back to Vienna after the Second Silesian War and win more allies, Austria and Maria Theresa decide to throw a ball. They also convince themselves that inviting Prussia will lead to only his humiliation, but he has a plan of his own.

April 1746, Vienna.

Humiliated. Austria had been humiliated by an upstart kingdom taking control of one of his richest provinces. Ever since the ink on the treaty dried where he was forced to recognize this coup by Prussia, he’d been working furiously to secure some sort of alliance with the others. Britain, that traitor, couldn’t be counted on. He harrumphed, scribbling out letters to France and Russia. Unscrupulous bastards, how he loathed that he must turn to them. But, he supposed, beggars can’t be choosers…

“Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something?” He snapped, hearing the door to his office open. He didn’t remove his eyes from his work.

A soft clicking of the tongue. “Now, Roderich. Is that the way to properly greet your sovereign?” Maria Theresa glided into the room, smiling faintly. “You can’t let the barbarians steal your manners too.”

He stood, bowed, and kissed her hand. A quick rectification. “My apologies, your majesty. I assumed you were someone else.” He moved to sit again only once she had, intently following royal protocol now. “I’m sure you share my frustrations.”

“Naturally. Which is why I believe we need something to look forward to, to bring some joy back into these halls.” She sighed dramatically. “These last eight years have been marred by misery. We’re to throw a ball next month. I miss dancing and we can show the ambassadors that we haven’t been hampered in the slightest by recent events.”

“Well, if it’s for diplomatic purposes then I can hardly be opposed to it.” Roderich would be lying if he pretended that the concept upset him completely. He’d been out campaigning for so long that he missed most of the ball seasons over the last few years. It would be nice to don the clothes an aristocrat and catch up on the latest gossip with his equals instead of galloping around the countryside with undisciplined commoners. “I suppose you want me to get working on a guest list now?”

“That’s why I’m here. I wished to help you craft this one.” She waited for him to ready himself with a fresh piece of paper. “The Russian and French delegations are a must and they need to be given all the works. Showing the Swedes a proper respect would be advisable as well. If you find it won’t be too hard on you, I would like the Spaniards to come.” She noticed him roll his eyes and chuckled. “I’m trying to be courteous. Oh, right! The Saxons should be welcomed. As should the Bavarians and any of the smaller states you think could provide us with something beneficial.”

“Is that all? No Britain?”

She tapped a finger to her chin, mulling it over. “Send them an invitation a little less than a day before. Shows them our displeasure but isn’t too unreasonable. Now, that’s all squared away. There was something you were telling me.”

“I was?” Roderich slipped the paper in the top drawer of his desk. He racked his mind for whatever she meant. “Would you please tell me what, exactly, I was saying?”

“Before he invaded Bohemia, you were filling me in on all the others of your kind. Letting me know all the gossip and news surrounding them.” Maria Theresa fiddled with one of her rings, reminding Austria of when she was a child. “You filled me in on everyone else in the empire except our little nuisance.”

“I told you everything there is to know about Brandenburg. He’s not a complicated character.” He knew exactly who she was angling for, but he would play the fool. He’d spent too much of his thoughts on that damn creature, he was haunted by him every waking moment now. But his queen was giving him such a look, it became impossible to keep his resolve. Austria sighed, defeated. “What do you care to know about Prussia?”

“Oh, stop playing like this! I want to know everything there is!” She noticed his pained expression and laughed. “Come on, Roderich dear. Wouldn’t it be a joy to use everything we have against him? We’re working the presses hard to print out every nasty rumor about his king. Why not go after both of them?”

There was something he could go along with. In fact, Roderich was willing to wager that it might actually be enjoyable. This was a war he could easily win. He made himself comfortable in his chair, a smile breaking free. “What isn’t there to say about him? He’s vile, he’s garish, and completely uncouth. Ever since we were children his only concern has been killing things – bugs, pagans, heretics. Now, lucky me, he wants to kill Austrians.” He licked his lips, remembering a juicy tidbit. “His crusading is rather humorous considering how often he was sent to the pyre. He’s always looked demonic. If you spend your days around zealots with that appearance, you get what you asked for.” He smiled wistfully. “He did make good cinder though.”

“Roderich, that makes him pitiable.” Maria Theresa wrinkled her nose, imagining the smell of burning flesh. “Please, talk about anything else.”

“My apologies, I got lost in the good times.” He noticed her horrified look. “He’s still alive! And we were children then! If you knew how often many times he shot my eye out with arrows or gutted me with his sword, he wouldn’t seem so sympathetic. It was a different period. Now we…still impale each other. Some things never change, do they?”

“Roderich!”

“Right, right! Not what you want to know!” He tapped his fingers on his desk, trying to remember anything else interesting. He realized he was stuck too far in the past. There was something she would get a kick out of. “Ridiculous, how could I possibly forget? Not like they’ve had much time to see each other recently. Maybe this war wasn’t all for nothing.” He smiled wide, enjoying the imminent implosion. “He and Erzsébet have relations. Been happening for a century now.”

“With our Erzsébet? With Hungary?” He watched her upset grow until it completely overtook her. “That scoundrel! How dare he!” She smacked him in the arm. “And you only tell me this now! Eight years I’ve been on the throne and now, now, is the opportune moment! Why the delay?”

“Don’t assault me! We were in the middle of a crisis! I figured my personal life could wait till after.” Austria straightened his jacket. “This isn’t something I’m exactly proud of, your highness. It’s bad enough that every time I see Britain or France they feel it’s of vital importance to mention. I try not to let it consume more of my waking days than necessary.” He quickly shushed the voice in his head reminding him that his conscience spent a great deal of time plotting against this whole matter already.

“Great, so George and Louis knew all about this before me. My dignity is a joke to everyone in Europe, isn’t it?” She clutched a hand to her chest, wincing in agony. “My poor heart. How many more of these crushing humiliations will I be subjected to? I won’t last much longer at this rate.”

That familiar vein in his forehead twitched. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying to calm down. Snapping at his sovereign would result in nothing good. Calming breaths. “You worry too much. They would be foolish to consider any of this a reflection on you.” The unspoken ending was that, if anything, it would be a reflection on him. He grimaced considering that. “We can use this to our advantage if we’re smart.”

Maria Theresa’s composure returned. “You’re right. It shouldn’t be too difficult to dissuade Erzsébet from that ruffian. I remember being a young woman. Men like that – so wild and unrestrained – always weasel their way into your affections. They present something new and exciting. Then they leave, casting you aside for whatever cheap thrill they can find in some whore’s bed while you’re left picking up the pieces of your shattered self-esteem.” She spoke with surprising emotion. Waving away whatever phantom memories lingered, she smiled at Roderich. “She will realize that a man like you or my dear Francis is much better. Polite, predictable, so willing to listen. A good partner mustn’t challenge you in such a way as a man like that does.”

“You underestimate her. They’re equally culpable. Don’t let her con your generosity.” This was the opposite of comforting. He slumped in his chair, chuckling bitterly. “No wonder she runs around with him. How your majesty describes Gilbert makes me want to fall in love with him! There’s likely a much more polite way of telling me I never had a chance!” That familiar pulsation in his forehead again. “I’m sorry, but please don’t try and console me further.”

“For a man to be predictable is a good thing! Let the women have all the passion and the spirit and the spunk! If the men could keep to themselves, I wouldn’t be working with an empty treasury.” She imagined Frederick, the man causing all her troubles, groveling before her. It provided her second wind. “Now, quit this self-pity and think! What’s this Prussia character like in a suit?”

“Rather like a donkey. You can dress it up all you like, but it’s still a jackass in the end.” Austria paused, seeing where she was going. “Are you really going to invite him? He would try to sabotage the whole thing!”

“It’s certainly a possibility. He could also – and I believe this is most likely since I trust he’s as incompetent as you say – make a complete fool of himself before everyone. Doing so would guarantee us all the allies we possibly need and remind our dear Erzsébet that her little…thing is beneath her breed. Make him the first invitation we send out.”

Austria quickly wrote one, not caring if it wasn’t his best penmanship. Such efforts would be wasted on Prussia. He noticed a streak of brown hair disappearing past the door. “I trust your judgement if you’ll trust mine.” He cleared his throat. “Magyar!” Hungary stepped into the room. He slipped the envelope into her hands. “A favor. Would you be so kind as to deliver this to Berlin or wherever your paramour lays his head?”

Hungary glanced between her queen and her superior, distrust eating at her. “This is too easy. What’s the catch?”

“There is none. Can’t I do something nice for you?” He waved her away. “Go, enjoy what time you two have left together.”

“Don’t enjoy yourself too much!” Maria Theresa warned, her voice stern.

Hungary’s suspicion grew. But what could she do? She didn’t trust either of them as far as she could throw them, but she had no evidence of their plot. She would have to bide her time. Curtsying, she shuffled out the door and began mentally planning what to wear for her arrival.

---

Sanssouci Palace, Potsdam.

Frederick strolled through his palace, his eyes fixed on the letters gripped in his hand. War was over. Now, it was time to govern and flex his muscles domestically. He passed through the Marble Hall. He had been cooped up inside for too long. Some fresh air in the gardens was needed. Out of the corner of his eye, he noted two figures. “Gilbert, strange woman.” He turned back on his heel. “For the last time, Gilbert, stop bringing your whores here.”

“She’s not a prostitute, this is Erzsébet.” Gilbert aimed a forced grin at his king.

“I’m aware that they all have names. Run along, dear. He doesn’t pay very well.” She refused to budge. Frederick sighed. “Must you always bring home the stubborn ones?”

“She’s Hungary!” Prussia hissed through gritted teeth. He couldn’t recall ever being so embarrassed.

“Then give her some food and send her-” Frederick blinked slowly. A crisis had to be averted. He politely bowed. “My sincerest apologies. Despite never shutting up about you, this moron never bothered to give me a portrait.” Forcing back his irritation, he slipped into an easy smile. “What brings you here? I hope you don’t bring any declarations of war.”

Hungary’s last couple of hours had been stressful. She had no idea what the greater ploy Austria and Maria Theresa were up to and why she needed to play messenger in it. Nor was she overjoyed at her warm welcome by Prussia’s disrespectful king. She needed something to provide her some entertainment. She handed him the envelope she’d been tasked to deliver. “Why, I haven’t the slightest idea. It could be anything.” She met the king’s gaze. “You understand how grudges work. This was really all I came for. I’ll be on my way.”

Gilbert scrambled alongside her. “Do you really have to leave so soon? Why all the rush? You’ll get back to Vienna late. You don’t want to spend the night here, that’s fine. The old man snores. There’s plenty of space in my home for the two of us.” He took her hand in his before the door, pleading with his eyes. “At least let me walk you out.”

The ends of her mouth curled up in a smile. “There’s no need. It’s a rather dainty palace, isn’t it? I promise I won’t get lost. You be good.” She shot a look at Frederick. “And you. Do us a favor and stay out of Bohemia.” In a flurry of skirts, she was gone as quickly as she arrived.

Now alone, Gilbert released his consternation. “Fritz, next time, just fucking shoot me. If you really care about me, spare me the agony.” He ran his hands through his hair, groaning. “I can sabotage myself without your help.”

“Why are you blaming me? Whenever I’ve wanted to know what that woman looks like you’ve only told me bullshit like ‘more beautiful than Helena of Troy.’ Which is wonderful, but it doesn’t help me pick her out in a crowd!”

“Who else would I be staring at like this?” Gilbert’s expression shifted into that of a lovelorn fool. His eyes softened; a wide grin lit up his face. He looked idiotic in that charming way lovers do. He dropped the act as soon as it appeared, dismissing it with an eye roll. “That whole routine might’ve set me back fifty years.”

Despite knowing about Gilbert’s kind his whole life, being reminded of their immortality never disturbed Frederick less. “Does it matter? Time is meaningless to you lot.” He shook his head. He didn’t have time for this. He had a treasury to refurbish and a new province to integrate. “I can’t be bothered with all this now. This damn envelope could hold our death sentences and we’re bickering like a bunch of old maids.” He opened it and tossed the card aside after reading its contents. “It’s a fucking invitation to some ball. Who gives a damn?”

Gilbert snatched it out the air and skimmed it over. He thought he recognized Roderich’s handwriting but disregarded it. Didn’t all those pompous aristocrats write the same? “It could be fun. Who doesn’t love dressing up and dancing the whole night away?”

The king began heading for the gardens again. Fresh air. Fresh air would clear away this whole mess. “Well, if my memory serves me correctly you don’t. You’ve always been adamant about how much you loathe these events.” He shot Gilbert a look over his shoulder before chortling. “I get it. You’re only looking to get some pussy. Have some more dignity than this. You know as well as I do this is likely some little ploy to humiliate you, and me by extension.”

Gilbert’s cheeks turned bright red. “That’s not the only reason! We could get…alliances out of this! It could improve our diplomatic situation! I’m not walking into anything!” He held open the door to the gardens for them both. “Fritz, you’ve got to trust my instincts! I know exactly what I’m doing. I’ve been doing this for centuries.”

“Your instinct is the reason why I’m so afraid. You’re incredibly reckless and prone to bouts of what I can only assume are insanity. You’ll ruin whatever good name we have left. That’s why I can’t allow you to go.” Sitting down at the table, he examined his papers, ignoring Prussia’s exaggerated pout. “Stop pushing out your lip that far. You look like a grotesque duck.”

Change of tactics. “Isn’t that Italian here? Wouldn’t it be so much easier to have your fun with Algarotti if you sent me and a few delegates off to Vienna for a weekend next month?” Gilbert rested his chin on his hands. His eyes carried such faux innocence. “Didn’t seem like too many men were sneaking into your tent late at night these last eight years.”

Frederick glared at him over the letters. “Is this really the game you want to play at?” Seeing his smirk, the king scowled. “Whatever. I don’t have time for this. You can go, but you will have chaperones and I will appoint them. I don’t want any minister going that finds your whole act adorable. It’ll lead us straight into another war!”

“I promise, I won’t let you down, Fritz!” Gilbert puffed his chest out and stood straight. “You can trust me.”

“No, you will. At least, have it be funny when you do. I want some amusement before the Austrians invade.”

---

June 1786, Vienna.

The ball was gorgeous. Everyone was looking their best, the orchestra never sounded so sweet, and the food was first-class. All the finest luxuries in the world brought together. The guests were thrumming to-and-fro, enjoying the conversations amongst themselves.

Gilbert loathed it. He stood at the bar, filling his drink as quickly as he could empty it. The strongest drink he could get his hands on was watered-down scotch. It was a disgrace. He scanned the crowd again. What was the point in being here if he couldn’t find her? Wasn’t that the whole meaning of his trip?

A tap on his shoulder. “I’m no one to judge, but how do you expect to gain any allies chatting up the bartender?” Arthur smiled wide. “Seems so unlike you to linger so far away from the center of the action.” He nodded at the bartender, who refilled his glass of brandy. “Hard to stun the crowd from the sidelines.”

“Why would I want to waste my talents on a bunch of stiffs? They’re not going to appreciate my work. Now, if you don’t mind.” Gilbert began peering around the Briton. “I’m waiting for someone. Francis has to be around here somewhere. Hang around him instead.”

So that’s why Gilbert was here. Everything made sense. An impish grin broke out across his face. The night would provide him with some good entertainment. “Erzsébet’s welcoming guests with Roderich and her majesty. I could take you over and introduce you as I’ve already paid my respects.” He tugged Gilbert’s sleeve, dragging him through the throngs of people. “Come along, let’s get this started!”

“I don’t need a wingman.” Gilbert straightened his jacket, huffing. “Seriously, you can run along now.”

“Please and miss out completely? I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Prussia rolled his eyes. With friends like that, who needed enemies? Arriving before Austria and Maria Theresa, he bowed. “Roddy, I forgot what you looked like without a uniform. Much more natural than seeing you posturing with a gun.” He attempted to kiss Maria Theresa’s hand, but she jerked it away. “I take it that your majesty knows who I am already. On behalf of his Prussian majesty, we sincerely thank you for the kindness of this invitation and everything it represents.” He looked back at Britain, who gave him a thumbs up. He’d nailed it, there would be no war declared.

As if to undo any good work he’d managed, Hungary materialized besides the queen. “That Russian delegation can talk your ear off. Next time, please don’t sacrifice me to them. I don’t want to hear about the intimate details of their personal dramas.” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him. She gave a subtle wink and smirk to Prussia. “Oh, Gil. How rude, I didn’t see you there. I’m so glad you came.”

Restraint. He needed to practice restraint. He was in the presence of important company. There could be no mistakes. Then he saw Roderich. Roderich, standing there looking intemperate, grinding his teeth, glaring as if begging his foe on. Gilbert was overcome. He forgot himself. Erzsébet was too beautiful and Roderich too irritating to deny himself such sweet joys. Gilbert took her hand in his and kissed it. “I had to. I didn’t want to miss seeing such a beauty.” His lips trailed up her arm, holding eye-contact with Roderich the whole time. “How could I stay away?”

Austria opened his mouth to speak, but Hungary beat him to it. “Daring tonight, aren’t we?” After speaking loud enough for all surrounding parties to hear, she leaned in close to Prussia’s ear. “If you get war declared on you for anything you do tonight, remember that I actually like this queen. I don’t think you can afford to be this reckless in front of her.” She gently, yet firmly, pushed him away.

Point noted. Flustered, Gilbert took a step back. “Right. Well, it was nice to see everyone. I’ll be…somewhere else.” He spared one last dejected look at Erzsébet before scampering off with Arthur on his heels.

“I’m impressed. What on earth did you say to him?” Roderich moved besides her, reflexively putting a hand on the small of her back. Realizing neither of them liked the gesture, he removed it.

“I told him I would meet him in the gardens later if he wouldn’t be so obvious.” She laughed at his frustration. “Don’t be so glum. I’m still upset about Silesia. I promise, it’ll be hate sex this time.”

“How comforting.” Austria moved to take his place besides Maria Theresa. “Now you understand what I’ve been dealing with. Everything is personal with him. None of the other states give me this much trouble. Why can’t he be more like Bavaria?”

Maria Theresa looked much more crestfallen. She cradled his face in her hand, unable to meet his gaze. “You poor man, what a terrible situation.” She peered up at him through her eyelashes. “You’re a cuckold.”

He forced his eyes shut. What a disaster. The promise of the whole night was disintegrating before his very eyes. “Your majesty isn’t helping.”

“You’re not helping yourself either! Standing around, looking so shocked at everything. Have some life, impress her, show everyone that you’re not passive in affairs of the heart.” She waved her hands away from her. “Do anything but stand around here and talk to me!”

“Why do I want her to fall in love with me?” Seeing the fire in his queen’s eyes, Roderich quieted his protestations and took his place besides his wife. “I’m being held here against my will.”

“Aren’t we both? Don’t feel too special.” They shared a conspiratorial look before breaking into giggles.

The orchestra began a new piece. Roderich caught himself humming. It was one of his favorites. He held out his arm. “Would you grant me the honor of a dance?”

“It is only fair to give your date at least one. Especially when he’s such a fantastic dancer.” She let him lead her to the floor. They began twirling around, hitting all the marks in time. She envied how naturally this all came to him. “It’s not fair for you to be so talented.”

“So kind of you to think so. You’d be disappointed to know that it’s less talent and more centuries of being forced into the role of a gentleman. Though, it is a natural fit.” He gained some contentment from her easy laugh. There was almost something enjoyable in this. “See, Erzsébet, it isn’t all bad. The lady protests too much.”

“You would think I complain too much about anything. There could be a freeze and you would think I’m ridiculous for bemoaning the chill. I’ve been quiet recently. No major rebellions. Be thankful.” She closed her eyes, getting lost in the music. “Please, be quiet. If you don’t talk then I can pretend that I enjoy your company.”

A simple enough request. Besides, the dancefloor was no place to settle differences. Roderich complied, happy for the momentary respite in their relationship. He could imagine this as normal for them, this peace with no screaming matches. No threats of violence against each other or their people. That they were any ordinary married couple who tolerated each other just enough to not end in scandal. The very idea thrilled him.

The very idea was interrupted by their Prussian scandal. Gilbert tapped Roderich’s soldier, a lupine smile on his face. “May I cut in? I couldn’t resist.”

Erzsébet moved to take his hand. She was met with air. She found Roderich and Gilbert in an embrace, the former looking incredibly determined while the latter was exasperated. “It would be rude of me to deny you, wouldn’t it?” Roderich nodded at Erzsébet. “Don’t wait up.”

“What are you doing? Let me lead!” Gilbert hissed. The fight for dominance began immediately. He winced, feeling Roderich’s heel dig into his toes. “That’s my foot. You be the woman, you’re the feminine one!”

“Why would I take orders from you? You’re used to being subordinate, follow my lead.” Roderich yanked them the opposite direction Gilbert was taking them. “I know exactly where I’m putting my feet.” For good measure, he stepped on Gilbert’s foot again.

Prussia bit his lip, forcing himself not to yelp in pain. He wouldn’t give the other man the satisfaction. His nails dug into Austria’s lower back, finding pleasure in his pain. “Why are you doing this? Let me have my dance, it doesn’t take anything away from you. You never let me have what I want.”

Austria couldn’t force back his laugh. It was maniacal. “Really? That’s funny, that kingdom you’ve got says differently about my generosity. If anything, I’ve been too accommodating to you. Silly me, thinking compassion would civilize you.” He sneered. If he gripped Prussia’s hand tight enough, maybe he could manage to break a few fingers. Wouldn’t that be a sight? “You’re a brute. You don’t deserve what you’ve got.”

“You’re going to talk to me about deserve? You, Little Master, born with a golden spoon and so hell-bent on his divine authority? You’ve never worked for anything in your life.” Prussia snarled, all teeth. “Unless you count laying down beneath Spain and taking whatever he gave as work.” He twisted Roderich around. “This way!”

“You stay out of my marriages!” Austria’s face was red with indignation and embarrassment. “What happens in my bedroom is of none of your concern!”

“You’re right it’s not. But what doesn’t happen is and I know there’s been a whole lot of nothing in there.” He put a hand on Austria’s cheek. Prussia’s eyes were swimming with sickening contempt. “I’ve never understood why everyone’s so desperate to marry you. You can hardly fulfill your spousal duties and then you wonder why some vagrant like me can come in and take them over. It’s a shame, really.” He winked. “Wouldn’t change it for a thing.”

“You’re pathetic. Are you that jealous of everything I have that you’ll never be satisfied? I would pity you if you weren’t so loathsome.” He smacked Prussia’s hand away. “Your inferiority must eat you alive. Anything you could ever want, I hold it so firmly in my grasp. How do you handle it?” He looked the Prussian up-and-down. “Obviously, you don’t. What man in full control of himself would go to such lengths to humiliate himself in such ways at every given opportunity?” They were dancing on the edge of a cliff and, oddly enough, Roderich couldn’t bother to care. His mind, his whole being, was completely focused on eradicating this blight. If he went down too, fine. Such would be the price.

“Because you can’t resist me either. Sure, I may look like a fool to everyone, but I’m not alone.” Prussia’s breath stung hot against Austria’s ear. It sent a shiver down his spine. “You live to roll around in the mud with me. Face it, Roddy, you’d be lost without me.”

Hungary shoved them apart, breaking the spell of their mutual madness. Her voice was hushed. “A few things. Do you two do that often because, for some odd reason, that was incredibly arousing. Amazing. I’m blushing.” They shot her a look. Her cheeks burned a deeper shade of red. “Never mind. Maybe this you’ll find important: you two were very loud. Everyone heard and now they’re staring.”

The two men dared to look away from her. She was right. All eyes were on them. Roderich met the gaze of an incredibly upset Maria Theresa. His mouth suddenly became very dry. “Gilbert, I think we’re in trouble.”

Gilbert, for his part, had made eye-contact with the minister who was supposed to be his chaperone tonight. Podewils looked ready to unleash his full wrath. “You don’t say.”

The three of them were ushered into one of the nearby rooms. While they waited for the queen and minister to arrive, Hungary took it upon herself to lecture them. “What were you two thinking! What compelled you to revert back to children!” She shook her head. “Forget children, a whole pack of toddlers would’ve behaved better! I’m ashamed of you both!”

Gilbert was slumped on the sofa, his head buried in his hands. “This wouldn’t have happened if he let go of his pride and didn’t jump in between us! But no, little Roddy always has to show me up.” He cast a pitiful glare at his cousin. “Do you feel like a big man now?”

Roderich had his back to them as he stared outside the window. “Are you seriously blaming me? If you knew how to conduct yourself in front of polite society, none of this would’ve occurred! Instead, you’re the one who must constantly show he’s no slouch! That he can do whatever he wants, that he can work with the adults!” He turned around now, a cold fire burning in his eyes. “You can’t, Gilbert! You don’t have the pedigree to operate at these strata! Get these delusions of competition out of your mind, embrace your place in life and then you’ll find yourself much happier.”

“Right because it was fine for you to grab the laurels of power, but anyone else who wants it obviously can’t handle it. You should be thankful that-”

Maria Theresa burst into the room. “Silence! Both of you, shut up! For the love of God, stop talking!” She narrowed her sights on Prussia first. “How dare you! You vile little creature. We kindly invite you into our palace, into our capital, and you show us this kind of disrespect? Have you no self-restraint? No understanding of how to manage yourself amongst men? I shouldn’t be surprised. You invite a beast, he’ll behave like a beast.”

Roderich forgot himself. He sneered at Gilbert. “See? It’s apparent to everyone that you are the most wretched creature on the planet. Why bother carrying on at this rate?”

Maria Theresa’s rage turned on him. She began striding towards Roderich. “And you. I’ve never been more humiliated in my life! How foolish of me to ever put my faith in you. You were such a good man, Roderich. So intelligent, so capable, so dependable. Was my trust misplaced? How ridiculous it seems now, to believe you were ever capable of behaving in an acceptable manner.” She had him backed against a wall. “I look at you and I want to be angry, but how can I be? How can the strong be angry at the weak? Roderich, I know now you’re a weak man.”

Podewils cleared his throat, reminding everyone of his presence. “Your majesty, you have my deepest and most sincere apologies for tonight’s mishap. I can assure you that his Prussian majesty does not endorse the conduct of this most insolent and moronic man who should frankly be ashamed of the dishonor he’s brought on his own people!”

The queen rolled her eyes. “Oh, quit it monsieur. I’m not declaring war.” Her eyes narrowed, settling on a subdued Roderich. “If I was, I’d have to declare it on my own people first.” She huffed, straightening up. “Frankly, I want to forget this whole matter as soon as I possibly can. This night has been a complete wash for all of us involved. All I want is for you and that, that thing to leave Vienna as soon as humanly possible. Now, if you don’t mind,” she left the room in a flurry, slamming the door shut behind her.

All the wind returned to Gilbert’s sails. He rose and clapped Roderich on the back. “All’s well that ends well, Roddy. I ruin your little party and I face no repercussions. I say that’s a good resolution for us both.” He quirked his head to the side. “What’s up with your eye? Did you always have that twitch?”

“Get off me!” Roderich shoved him away. His breathing was ragged. “Why must everything revolve around you? Why must you always hijack everyone’s attention and steal away whatever remnants of my dignity remain from our last incident? You are no better than any other vermin, I’ve got half a mind to-” He cut himself off, a moment a clarity cutting through the haze. He straightened his jacket out, striding for the door. “You’re a plague among Europe and now I’m suddenly seen as a victim. I’ve got all the most important diplomats outside. Why am I continuing to tussle with you? What worth do you have for me?” Hand on the doorknob, he cast one last look at a surprised Gilbert. “Enjoy your victories while they last, Preussen.”

Unconcerned, Gilbert slid over to Erzsébet and snaked an arm around her waist. “Now that we’re away from prying eyes, I never got to properly tell you how gorgeous you look tonight. If I’m remembering correctly, didn’t you promise me a stroll through the gardens? I think the roses are in bloom.” He kissed her hand, holding her gaze the whole time. “A quick one. Before I have to leave.”

She was smiling, but it lacked any real warmth. “The moments passed, Gil.” She clutched her hand to her chest, appraising him. “We’re not exactly friends right now, are we? Do you have any idea how many men of mine you murdered after your ridiculous incursion?”

“Not at all, but I remember seeing you leading them in battle. You know what that does to me.” A smile like a wolf. She thought him depraved. “A little animosity can help to spice things up. You should know that from living with him so long.”

“How’s this for animosity?” She dug her heel into his foot, putting all her weight into it. For good measure, she twisted it in, sending a shock of pain up Gilbert’s spine. He’d never seen her so spiteful. It drove him wild. “You should be satisfied from humiliating Roderich in such a way and, if that’s not enough,” her lips brushed against his ear. He felt his heart beating through his chest. “Use your hand.” He watched her exit the room, silently begging her to stay.

Instead, the only touch he received was Podewils yanking at his elbow. “We’re leaving now. Before you can manage to worm your way into further trouble.”

Glum, he let himself be dragged along. “Relax, Heinrich. All my trouble left with her.” Sighing, he tried to muster up some fake cheer. He managed to genuinely find some. “What are we worrying for? The old man said I’d be fine as long as whatever happens is funny.” He snickered. “And, admit it, this whole mess is hysterical.” If he could laugh at Austria’s expense, didn’t that count for something? Who cared how it ended for him, as long as that prick was sufficiently embarrassed, he could rest easily at night. Yes, that was all that mattered, forget his tattered dignity and what he couldn’t have. Austrian suffering was the most beautiful reward of them all.

#aph prussia #hws prussia #aph austria #hws austria #aph hungary #hws hungary #APH Old Fritz #hws old fritz #aph maria theresa #hws maria theresa #hetalia #aph #hws #aph fanfic #hws fanfic #hetalia fanfic #hetalia fanfiction #historical hetalia

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weaselsmuses-aa · 5 years

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Typhoon Island Headcannons! II Villager edition!!

[Below are hcs about the villagers who live on Typhoon Island. Many are muses who have/will fall into the ac au verse!]

Emma

Founder of the Island. // Former Mayor of Saros

Makes Most of the decisions,and approves any others.

Barely seen out before 6pm. Does her best work in the evenings and at night.

Stayed in the tent for the longest, since when she got on the island there was no one (not even nook) For at least a month. After he shows up, she stays in her tent for at least another month.

Sick and tired of your shit. A lot grumpier than before, and a lot quieter, unnervingly.

Her mischief is still there, and so is her shit eating spunk, it comes out more as the island grows and as she slowly regains her power.

Lives up on the second level of the island, surrounded by nature, and her perfect fruit orchard. Purposely put her house in a hard to reach / remote area. If you need her, it better be dire. otherwise why go all the way out there?

That being said, has a lot of land,and has more or less claimed that whole area of the island as her own. Will NOT tolerate visitors messing with her stuff, nor her orchard.

Favorite spots are the waterfalls, the light house, the stargazing area and her private beach.

Rarely by resident services/town hall after it upgrades. Will only go when Isabelle is alone at night to pester her.

Crafts A LOT. Enjoys crafting.

Weasel

Former Saros Resident

Lives on the southeast side of the island, just a little inland from the beach. Still close enough to feel the breezes and enjoy the view.

Very friendly and always has a smile on their face! Knows all the villagers, but picks favorites and is very open about those favorites.

Sends letters CONSTANTLY. If you’ve met them you’ve likely received a letter from them. Often times it will make no sense or be a really fun read.

Puts the most outside their house. Really enjoys outdoor furniture and making their yard, THEIRS. A lot of toys, and patio furniture, and a sandbox!

Favorite activity is gardening, and has a large garden behind their home with a little path leading to it. They fenced it in to keep intruders away! Their goal is to have the rarest flowers on the island.

Other favorite activities include collecting. They donate the most to the museum behind the founder.

Weasels favorite spots on the island are the beach, the stargazing spot and their garden of course!

Swiss

Former Saros resident

Keeps to herself, but isn’t opposed to being social once and a while.

Doesn’t know half the villagers in town. Only talks to the ones she thinks look interesting or sound interesting. If you don’t catch her interest upon first glance, she’ll never bother to learn your name.

Doesn’t like to be too close to other villagers, but also doesn’t like to be too far from the resident services, so she places her home right across the bridge, between the two lakes.

Usually seen fishing or collecting fossils. She really enjoys fossils, and wants to put all the dinosaurs together for the museum.

Isn’t really that big into having a ‘yard’ per-say, but she has a few things scattered around her property she finds nifty that she can’t find a place for inside

Spent the longest time in a tent behind Emma. For no real reason besides she enjoyed the aesthetics, and she was lazy about getting bells.

Really loves to go island searching through dodo-islands, and crafting cool stuff for the island. Hoards resources, but also shares them when others are low.

Isn’t super big on perfect fruit, but likes to find exotic fruits to expand typhoon island’s fruit selection.

Her favorite spots are the big rocks, the land outlet, and the camp site. She really enjoys seeing who’s camping and if they might be interesting enough to invite to the island.

Topaz

Former Saros Resident

Very busy vibes.

Is in and out of the island a lot. Often times will be visiting nearby island, such as monsoon Island and others for materials, and socialization.

Isn’t really in as big a rush to expand as the others, but would rather spend most of her bells and time into bettering the island for others benefit.

Very friendly with the villagers, and makes it a point to send them letters and do favors for them often. She really wants to make an impression on every single new arrival to the island.

Lives with the other villagers as well. She makes a point to put her house in a neighborhood to the southwest of the island. She lives a little ways down so as to have a little room for a yard and some patio and picnic furniture.

Invested her bells in making a natural park for the island, complete with a seating area and playground.

Favorite activities are crafting, planting flowers and catching bugs and fish for the museum.

Girlfriend lives on an island a few nautical miles away. She’s often seen with her on the island, fishing and playing in the sand.

Topaz’s favorite spots on the island are the beach, the lighthouse, the suburbs and nooks.

Kyanite

Fresh Typhoon Isle Resident!

110% fashionista.

Was the fastest to upgrade her tent. She HATES roughing it. It was quaint to her at first but she quickly started hating it and upgraded.

She lives on the cliffs to the east of the museum and north of the waterfalls. She made sure to pick a spot with lots of land to upgrade and decorate.

Absolutely plans to make her house a mansion, with as much customization and personal touch as is possible.

Terraformed the lakes by her house into hearts.

Loves fruit and flowers, and puts tons of fruit trees, flowers and bushes around the place to make it as beautiful as she can

Isn’t big on catching bugs, or fish unless its for bells. HOWEVER, she really does like butterflies and deep sea fish and will catch those for the museum from time to time.

When she isn’t decorating her home or planting/watering flowers, she is usually at able sisters.

She loves clothes. LOVES them. She has the most clothes of any villager on the island and is always in something new. She is in able sisters multiple times a day.

Is pretty friendly with the villagers, but isn’t super fond of ‘ugly’ or aesthetically unpleasing villagers. She’s also not keen on them being near her stuff, which is why she avoids living near them.

Will send letters once you’re close to her and will send gifts with them too! (she always uses the cutest stationary she can find)

Her favorite spots are the waterfalls, the stargazing spot, able sisters and the park.

#ooc #hcs!#;Typhoon Isle #(Interests);Emma #v:Hell Horizons #long post

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crystalcanon · 4 years

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nanowrimo meme, day 3

DAY 3 - Pick one of your female characters. Introduce your readers to her, from her point of view and her words only.

oh dear. the following passage of saki from my bnha fanfic Poisoned Paradise describing herself in chapter two is a little outdated, but it’s the best i’ve got on such short notice:

❝ Nothing especially noteworthy happened in my life between the ages of four and thirteen, so I’ll spare you the details. All you need to know is the following:

Firstly, by the time I was five-years-old, I had a good enough handle on my Quirk that I could forgo my gas helmet in favour of a sick mask.

[…]

And finally, I became pseudo-grunge. Soft grunge? Something like that; I’m still a little shaky on the terminology.

My beloved Internet introduced me to alternative fashion, and I took to it like black dye to denim. I wrote it something of a love letter with an image-board blog, but compared to what was on my feed, my personal style was much more casual. Unfortunately, whilst Japan as a whole has numerous subcultures, where I lived wasn’t too experimental. I had to make do with what was accessible: dark clothes and dramatic makeup. Luckily I had friends who steered me away from unflattering panda liner towards a more complimentary smokey eye. At the ripe age of fourteen, I was much more confident with my makeup skills and overall look. I’d also nailed the cat eye.

My parents were convinced I was going through a phase, built with the remnants of my childhood rebellion. I can’t deny that, but it had more to do with creating an image for myself. Not a lot of people naturally had a colour palette like mine, you know? I wanted to make the most of it. So that’s what fourteen-year-old Saki looked like: black and white and green all over. With twintails and blunt bangs, because they were the perfect combination of cute and harsh. And a dash of blush to add colour to my face. And a highlight on my eyes’ inner-corners. And fake ear piercings. And an ever-present face mask that stopped passersby from getting contaminated by my Toxic…

Needless to say I earned a reputation in my tiny town.

Judgemental biddies. ❞

saki’s perspective is meant to convey teenage spunk, with the kind of stubbornness intended to downplay her insecurities. weaselling my way into her head is fun, though it’s easier to do so in roleplay over at @/dokuseiseki than in is in Poisoned Paradise, hence why the former is more active.

#a/n #nanowrimo 30 day meme #🔖 Poisoned Paradise #🎭 @dokuseiseki #; saki ''biohazard'' fukunaga #long post

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lady-une · 7 years

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Chapter 1

Sarah

The days are getting colder and I’m loving it!

I thought as I was getting ready to head to the club. It’s my first night off in months and here I am still going back to my job. I let a little laugh out at that stupidity of the thought. I clasp shut the handcuff on my belt and put the keys around my neck. I take one quick look in the mirror. I thought I looked cute, nothing to write home about but I was average I guess. I was 5’3 about 125lbs with a lovely tan to my skin and brown curly hair that is at the moment a little lighter from being kissed by the sun. Tonight I opted to be a little exotic with my eyes, I didn’t want to see the dull ever boring brown in my pictures. Instead I put in my ice blue contacts that made my eyes not super icy but a nice looking blue. I grabbed my bag and walked out of my apartment locking the door and heading off to the club. Tonight would be interesting, since it was my first night off in forever I planned on having some drinks and just letting loose. The only thing I worried about was my boss who was also my father figure trying to weasel me into working on my day off. It wouldn’t surprise me if he called me to break up a fight or to help behind the bar if it got crazy, but if he did he better be prepared to pay up. I had a new tattoo I have been putting off for awhile because it was going to cost me big time, not nearly as much as the one on my back but still would cost a pretty penny.

It didn’t take long for my uber to pull up in front of the club. I looked up at the flashing neon lights “dragon kiss” not a very interesting name to be honest but the inside is what kept people coming back for more. The loud music could be heard outside and you could feel the buzz in the air from the base in the song. I skipped the long line and went right up to my friend manning the door and waved at him as I walked in. Working here had its perks obviously, no need to wait in a line that could only get longer. It has gone around the corner a few times with people trying to get in during a special performance night. I walked into the back beyond the employee only door to the locker area. I waved at the people working and stashed my bag, there was no need for an ID or cash since employees can have an open tab and pay at the end of the night without leaving their card. I walked back out and right to the bar.

“Hey sexy lady how about a drink?”

I yelled out to one of my only best friends Hua, she was a small girl about my height with lots of spunk. She bounced over to me with her hot pink hair spiked up making her look like she was recently shocked by an outlet or something.

“Isn’t tonight your night off Sarah? What the hell are you even doing here?”

“You know me I can never escape this place. I wanted to have fun and well this is one of the best night clubs in my area. Now how about my drink? Give me a double of tequila with some salt and a lime.”

“Starting off strong with a double eh.” She shakes her head as she grabs a glass and my sweet sweet lover jose. She fills the glass up and puts it down with my salt and lime.

“Hey just don’t be switching up your booze, stick to one or you will be sick tomorrow.”

I wave her off while I lick my hand to prep it for the salt. I wasn’t dumb, I knew if I moved from tequila to something else I would be super hungover tomorrow. I down my shot and I could feel the burn slowly warming me up. I blew her a kiss and made my way to the dance floor. It was about 930 and the place was already packed for it being a Friday night. People were bumping into each other as they let their bodies move to the music. I felt bad for the people waiting in line outside because I doubt they will see the inside of this place tonight.

Before I knew it I felt a pair of strong arms come up from behind me and snake their way around my waist. I could smell the stench of beer coming off the man behind me when he whispered in my ear how sexy I was. I rolled my eyes and pulled away from him.

“No thanks.”

I moved around on the dance floor dancing with some regulars who recognized me. I was enjoying myself so much listening to the music and feeling the base vibrate through my body. I loved music, I really did. Most of the time you would find me humming or singing along with the music, I have notebooks full of lyrics that just come to me throughout the day. I slowly made my way towards the DJ booth where my other best friend Park was currently blasting the music.

“Park you sexy bastard how are you?”

“Sarah what the hell are you even doing here?” “I missed your face and decided to come see you!” I laughed as I climbed up into the booth and sat on the bench behind him.

“If I were you I would be at home sleeping because tomorrow is going to be insane!”

I nodded, I knew that’s what I should be doing. He was right tomorrow was going to be insane since it was a performance night. Not just any kind of performance night like how we would have with the locals. No this was a big time show that sold out in a matter of minutes. It was Jay fucking Park and his AOMG crew coming to perform a few songs. Jay was trying to get his boys names out there in the Asian communities’ state side. This was his last stop before him and the boys flew back to Korea. To say I was excited would be an understatement, I fucking adored Jay and his boys. They were obviously good looking but it was their voices that really drew me in, the music they put out was just amazing!

“Hey since you are here how about you do a little MC work? The boss wants to get everyone hyped for tomorrow, not like its needed but whatever. He wanted me to have a little karaoke sing off with some of the patrons tonight. Let them pick a song and have the audience pick who is the best. What do you say? Will you help me out? I really don’t want to do the music and MC it.”

I knew someone would ask me to work tonight. I closed my eyes and just chuckled at his question. He knew I wasn’t going to say no, I am always one to help out. Maybe it’s because I was the youngest one here out of the employees or it was because it’s just in my nature to help others.

“Sure Park I will help yeah out, but call over Chu and have him bring me another double of tequila. I’m not getting up there without something in my system.”

“Sure thing Sarah, just watch your intake. I’m not carrying your ass home tonight.”

We both laughed because he knew damn well that if I was shit faced by the end of the night he was in fact carrying my ass home and making sure I was in bed safely. Chu came over quickly with my order and I downed it quickly without my normal salt and lime. The dj booth and stage were connect and you could easily just swing down from the booth onto the stage. This is what I did and Park handed me a mic. He turned down the music so he could speak and the crowd got quieter.

“Hey sexy people!!!! Y’all having a good time?”

The crowd yelled out with happiness.

“That’s what I like to hear. Are you excited for tomorrow? Jay fucking park and his AOMG crew will be LIVE on this very stage tomorrow!!”

The crowd this time exploded with cheers and people jumping around.

“Yeah that’s what I thought, I know I’m excited for this! So to get us in the spirit for tomorrow we are doing a little contest. Whoever wins tonight gets the full VIP treatment tomorrow! No waiting in that long ass line and you get a VIP room with bottle service on the house! What do you think about that?”

I thought the crowd was crazy before but this time it was even more crazy with the cheers and hollering and they had no idea what they even had to do yet.

“I know it’s an awesome prize! But if you want this prize you need to sing you heart out! Yup that’s right it’s a singing contest! The winner will be chosen by you the crowd! To help with this we talked everyone’s favorite spit fire Sarah to MC this little contest! It’s her day off and she still came to grace us with her presence, so let’s show her some love!”

I walked out and gave a sweet little curtsy to the crowd.

“What’s up chi town!! Some of you might know me as the ever popular bartender and some of you unfortunate people might know me as the spit fire who is hauling you out to the cops when you get to rowdy!”

The crowd laughed as I emphasized cops by tugging on my handcuffs that held my belt together.

“Now let’s get to the rules. We will have two women and two men up here. Each of you will go and let Park know what song you will sing and he will que it up for you. You will have the stage to yourself to do what you want. Please just don’t be taking off all your clothes, save that for the strip club. Everyone will have two minutes to sing their song and do their thing, so keep that in mind when you pick your song. After everyone completes their song it will be up to the rest of you to cheer your heart out for your favorite! To make this fare I ask that anyone who wants to take part please come put your name on a slip of paper and I will pick the two random ladies and guys for the contest. You have 10 minutes to get your name on a piece of paper.”

With that Park turned the music back up and I sat on the edge of the stage taking names and putting them into a bowl for the ladies and for the guys. The 10 minutes was almost up and Park only had one more song to go. Park knew my love of the AOMG boys so of course he had to throw on a song and I couldn’t help but sing along with it. Bouncing around in my spot as I took names singing every now and then. The song ended and I got up from my spot and took the bowls and danced my way towards the middle of the stage and sat the bowls down.

“Make some noise for our very own dancer. SARAH!”

I laughed but went with it, I knew most of the songs dance moves and just had some fun with it. The crow was whooping and hollering for me and it fueled me on. I wont lie, I love the feeling I get whenever I’m on a stage. It’s an adrenaline rush really and the more cheering I hear the better the feeling. The music got quieter again and I knew it was time to pick our 4 contestants.

“Hell yeah that was fun! I hope you’re ready to have some fun to cause it’s time to pick our 4 names!!! Let’s let the ladies go first, now I don’t want any sour faces if your name doesn’t get picked!”

I picked up the girls bowl and stuck my hand in making sure to mix all the names around a few times. I grabbed two slips of paper and put the bowl down.

“Ok ladies here it is the two lucky ladies for the night! First off we have Lin Chang, come on up here Lin Chang!!!”

A very energetic woman who I assumed was Lin Chang rushed towards the stage with a fruity drink in hand. She walked up the stairs and stood by me downing her drink.

“Hey Lin you excited for tonight?”

She grabbed my mic and tried to bounce away with it while she yelled a big hell yeah towards the crowd. I quickly grabbed my mic back before she could get to far with it.

“Good to hear Lin. Now for the next lucky lady we have Sue Smith! Sue Smith get your lucky ass down here!”

A woman dressed in the tightest pair of pants I have ever seen came strutting to the stage like she owned it. I knew she would be a favorite for most of the men in the crowd, those pants looked like they were a second layer of skin on her. She winked and blew a kiss to the crowd earning her some whistles and hoots from the males in the club. I just shook my head and grabbed the other bowl that held the guy names.

“Now that we have are two ladies lets pick the guys for tonight!! Ladies while I do that go and let DJ Park know what song you want for tonight, remember you only get two minutes!”

I mixed the bowl and quickly picked two names. This contest was already becoming too long and I wanted to get back to my night off. Park is so going to owe me for this! I thought as I glanced in his direction. I sat the bowl down and prepared to announce the two guys.

“Let’s get this going shall we, the night is still young and we all have some fun that needs to be had! Let’s have Mike Kang and Daniel Nam come down to the stage. Let’s go boys!”

The guy named Mike came rushing the stage, he was average height but a little on the chubby side. The guy name Daniel was tall and you could tell he hit the gym every day.

“Alright we have our lucky 4, the ladies are all set with their songs so they will go first. Boys if you could go do the same and let DJ Park know what songs you want that would be great. Lin come stand here and Sue stay by the DJ for now.”

Lin walked over to me with that liquid courage still running strong and grabbed the second mic from me.

“Hey DJ Park drop that beat.”

SISTAR “touch my body” started to blast through the speakers and the ever energetic Lin started to dance around the stage having the time of her life! I was at the other end of the stage from the DJ booth just enjoying the show. She had some good dance moves but that liquid courage she has going for her was also causing her to slur her words making the ever popular pop song sound off. The buzzer rang at the end of the two minutes and I walked back to the center.

“Woot woot Lin has some moves on her! Lin go walk over to the guys and lets have Sue come on out and show us what she is working with. “

Once Sue was at the center CL “Baddest Female” started up. I shook my head because I knew where this was going. She was going to use her sexiness to win this crowd over. Poor Lin had no chance in hell against Sue. I had to admit she did have a nice voice but the tightness of the pants limited her ability to really dance. The guys especially liked it when she got on all fours and started to hump to the floor. Thankfully the buzzer went off because I could see this going bad when she started to pull at the hem of her shirt.

“Hey hey hey Sue, keep that for the strip joints. Let’s give a round of applause for Sue. Sue go wait with Lin and let’s have Mike come out here.”

Once Mike was at the center ZICO “Eureka” played and the crowd loved it! Mike could sing and the boy could dance. He was working the crowd with his moves and his quick tongue action not missing a single word. I was even getting into it dancing a little bit on the stage. The buzzer went off again and I thanked Mike and welcomed Daniel to the stage. His song of choice was Sik-K “Habibi”. This boy better know what he is doing because this happened to be one of my favorites of his. I was kind of surprised he picked a slower song but he had the body to pull off some of the sexier moves. The guy all of sudden turned towards me and started dancing his way towards me. He grabbed onto me and pulled me into the dance having me grind right back onto his knee that was between my legs. I knew he was a good dancer and maybe it was the booze but I was really feeling this dance.

“Woo when I found ya lips fuckin wet and I start to kiss im like French im like damn”

I just about lost it when he winked at me after that verse. He let me go and I just stood there dumb founded at what just happened. This boy knew what he was doing that’s for damn sure. I kept moving with the song now that I was alone again at my end of the stage. Everyone was so into the song that no one was watching the clock, his two minutes were up and finally the buzzer sounded but he kept going.

“yeah habibi habibi really, you nasty don’t swallow my kids”

The males in the crows especially liked that he was able to finish that part.

“ok ok now Daniel, don’t be putting that business out there.”

I gave him a quick pat on the back and everyone laughed.

“So people what did you think of our lucky 4? Can you pick a winner?”

The crowd cheered on. I put my hand over each of the contestants giving the crowd a chance to pick their winner. As I thought the two with the least amount of cheers was Lin and Mike while the ones with the most were Sue and Daniel. I thanked Lin and Mike and asked them to step back. I had Sue on my left and Daniel on my right. I asked the crowd if Sue was the winner and they all cheered and clapped. I then asked them if Daniel was their winner and the crowd erupted with their cheers and the winner was chosen. I thanked Sue for participating and grabbed Daniel’s hand raising it in the air and crowning him the winner of the night.

“There yeah have it people! We have the winner for the VIP night tomorrow. Daniel my man make your way to the boss man by the bar so he can get your contact info and whatever else he needs. Ladies and gentlemen lets hear it for our little spit fire Sarah who looks like she herself had a little fun! How about you give us your own two minutes of a song, I have the perfect one for you!”

The crowd cheered at Park’s idea but I shook my head ready to get back to my night.

“Oh come on Sarah, boss man says he will make it worth your effort.”

I looked towards the bar where my father figure gave two thumbs up and moved his fingers together telling me I will have some cash coming my way for playing along.

“Fine, fine. You all win. Park you better not have picked something dirty!”

The crowd cheered in excitement and crush’s “give it to me” came on. I mentally made a note to kick Park’s ass later that night when this was over with. The lights got a little dark and a red hue was added to them. That man was going all out for this and probably having fun at my expense. I just went with it. Slowly moving my body with the music making sure my moves matched the music and lyrics.

“Gonna take you on a ride. Our Skin will touch tonight. Forget about your man for a moment, ooo baby. Lying is bad so I will blame it on the alcohol. Start by taking your clothes, I wanna melt your body.”

The crowd was loving it! I made sure to do some turns and to give the crowd some attention. I slowly did some body rolls and made sure I dragged my free hand from my breast all the way down to my crotch. I walked down the stage and went into the crowd, they cheered even louder when I did that and started to sing to some ladies in the crowd. I almost dropped my mic when jay’s verse came on and it wasn’t the track vocals that was coming through. Myself and the crowd looked back towards the stage and saw none other than Jay park dropping from behind the DJ booth.

“Welcome to my bed, baby. Welcome me in between your legs, baby. Tonight, I’ll be your teacher, baby (let’s get it on). Let’s start with some simple math, baby (oh year). First, take off your clothes. Second, separate your smooth legs. Me plus you is a hot night, a sexy night. I’ll never let you go (ooo woo oh oh oh).

Fight or flight was kicking in but I didn��t want to make a fool of myself. I was a grown ass woman and I was going to own this chance to be on stage with this sex god. I went back up and finished the song. It was so weird to be on stage with him. He oozed sex at the same time was so gentle with his touches. He pulled me into an embrace and we swayed around doing the most erotic dance I have ever done in my lifetime. His embrace was lighting my body on fire, and his smell…..was euphoric. There really was no way to describe his smell, but it only added to the fire burning inside me. If this song didn’t end the moisture between my legs was going to get into my pants and I would die right then and there. Thankfully he let me go and helped me finish out the song. I thought the crowd was loud before but this time it was so loud my ears were starting to hurt.

“Put your hands together for Jay Park people!”

I clapped along with the rest of the crowd when DJ Park introduced our surprise guest.

“Thank you, thank you. I hope I didn’t interrupt. Me and the boys were stopping by to talk to your boss and I heard the song and couldn’t help it.”

I blushed a little and my heart sped up with the fact that this man was talking to me. Me a nobody from Chicago!

“Oh no don’t worry! Thank you so much for even coming up here. I don’t compare to the original singer but it’s always a fun song to do. I just hope you all enjoyed it!”

I turned to the crowd in hopes they could save me. We both thanked the crowd and DJ Park turned the music back on as we walked towards his booth to turn in our mics.

“You know you’re not bad at all with your singing and you really know how to work the crowd.”

“Um thanks Mr Park, it’s always fun being up there. But you probably already know that.”

Lord kill me now before I make a fool of myself!

“Please call me Jay, if you’re not doing anything how about you join me and my guys up in the VIP room?”

What girl in her right mind would reject that offer. I shook my head and followed him towards the stairs that lead to the VIP area. I looked back towards the DJ booth and saw Park give me two thumbs up and a wink. The place was packed still but people parted like red sea for this man and cleared our way to the VIP stairs. With every step I took my heart was racing faster.

Get yourself together Sarah! Don’t make a damn fool of yourself! Just be yourself and make sure to speak clearly and don’t forget to use the formal words if you have to speak Korean!

Giving myself a pep talk and remembering to breath was starting to become easier. I knew exactly which room he was going to, it was the biggest one we had. I was actually the one in charge of this room on my bar tending days or when I was requested as a bouncer. I took pride in the fact that this was my room and I designed it. We walked into the room and my heart skipped a beat. Sitting down without a care in the world were my favorite Korean hip hop artists and producer. When you enter the room you are faced with a big couch that can seat 5 it’s made of leather which would be easy to clean when accidents happened. It was all black with silver stitch work that made it sparkle if the lights hit it just the right way. In front of it was a white marble coffee table that had the normal spread of bottled liquor sitting in a chiller and fruit platters laid out. On either side of the couch were winged back chairs also made of leather but these had a mahogany wood work on the arms and around the top of the chair. Sitting in the chair on the left was ChaCha Malone in all his glory, he was taller than I thought but still just as attractive. On the couch near him was Gray sipping on a glass of what looked like orange juice probably mixed with vodka. Behind the couch was Loco looking at the pictures I had displayed of previous VVIP members who have partied here. They were a mixture of fellow musicians or actors, either way it was a great display for us to have out and our way of kind of bragging about the club. I honestly hoped that I would get a picture of these guys to put on our display before they left for the night. Jay walked right in and sat down in the other winged chair across from ChaCha.

“Hey guys this is Sarah, she works here and the one singing down there. Sarah since you sing in Korean let’s keep the conversation also in Korean for the two younger boys. Their English isn’t that good yet”

They each said their hellos and I also said my hellos.

“Jay I’m not sure if the person in charge of your room told you but this is actually a door.”

I grabbed on to the door and started to slide it shut.

“It’s actually a two-way mirror. It’s to give our guests a bit of privacy but still allowing them to enjoy things going on in the club.”

They looked surprised at this and I knew I was going to have to talk to whoever was in charge of the room on my day off. I figured if they didn’t talk about the door then they probably didn’t talk about the rest of the room. I walked over to the tv behind Jay and started to do my normal speech on the room.

“This TV here actually is hooked up to the stage and allows you to watch whatever is going on the stage or you can click and you can see the dance floor. You also have cable access if you need it.”

They all shook their head in understanding and I made my way to the back-left hand corner. I pushed on the diamond that stood out more than the rest of the diamonds that littered the wall. Upon my pushing the wall popped out revealing an emergency access.

“This isn’t something we would show civilians who are renting the room but for our VVIPs we do give you an emergency exit in the event of needing it. This way leads downstairs where only employees can access and right out to the back exit where a car can be waiting if needed. It’s not something that is used that often but when needed it turns out to be extremely helpful.”

“Wow this room is really something else. Who designed it?”

I looked at Loco who was staring at me in aw.

“Actually, I did. We had some clientele come in and they wanted a bit more than what we originally had. I sat down with them and listened to what they would like to see. I then did that with everyone who came in for the rest of the month. I wanted to make sure everyone was happy when they came here. After I had all my info I designed it and gave it to boss man and he went to work on it. I’m really proud of this room and we haven’t had an unhappy customer since.”

I smiled with pride and felt my confidence go up. I could do this. I could be in the same room with these guys and totally be fine.

“Please sit, you’re not working right now. Take your jacket off and enjoy yourself.”

I thanked Jay and did take my jacket off. I was so lost in everything that had happened I didn’t even think to remove my jacket. It was just a normal black blazer that was a bit shorter and went well with the black jeans I was wearing. I crossed the room to hang it up. My top was a dark red shirt that was completely open in the back. It was tied at the top and hugged my chest while leaving the back open and then hugging my waist.

“Wow, that’s an interesting tattoo.”

It was ChaCha that spoke this time. He was sitting forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together under his chin. I walked toward them and stopped right in front of the coffee table, not sure if I should sit or stand.

“Oh my tree? Yeah it was something I had always wanted to have done. When I was little I really loved cherry blossom trees and use to ask my parents to go buy me one. They would laugh at me and tell me it’s not something we can have here. So when I got older I decided I would finally get my tree and had an artist friend draw it up.”

“Do you have any more tattoos?”

“Gray let the girl sit and have a drink. Please Sarah come and sit here and have something.”

I laughed and walked over to sit on the couch near jay and poured myself a shot of tequila. I had a feeling I would reach my limit with drinking tonight if I didn’t watch myself. I quickly downed my drink and sat the cup back down before sitting back and turning to Gray.

“Actually, I do, I have three more tats but they aren’t visible unless under certain circumstances.”

“Oh really what might those be?”

I turned to Jay and he had a sly smile on his face. I didn’t doubt this is the same smile that many women see when he is trying to charm his way through something. Who could possibly turn down anything when they are faced with that smile, but I wouldn’t be caught up in it. I could play this game too Jay.

“Well the first shot you have of seeing them is if I’m swimming and I was wearing a two piece that is small. The other chance you have is if you become a lover.”

I also put a sly smile on my face before Loco plopped down between me and Gray laughing extremely loud.

“Jay I like this girl, let’s keep her!”

Loco pulled me into a hug and rustled my hair a bit. Everyone started to laugh at his comment and a knock came at the door. I got up and walked to the door and opened it a bit to reveal the head bouncer Bobby.

“Hey Sarah I really hate to do this but I need your help. Some girls came out and said there are two girls fighting in the ladies room. I need you to go down there and break it up. Boss man says whatever you want you can have if you do this. He doesn’t want us guys in there with this fight.”

“Damn it Bobby where is Mary? It’s her day since I’m off?”

“Mary is handling something for the boss man. We need you. Please.”

I felt him before I heard him come up behind me.

“Is something wrong Sarah?”

“Just duty calling Jay, everything is good. I have to go handle something and then I will be right back.”

I pulled my necklace out that held the keys to my cuffs and unlocked them from my belt.

“I didn’t think those were real.”

“These? Yeah they are real Jay, they help scare the rowdy ones and they help me stay safe until backup arrives. I will be right back. Bobby right here will take care of you guys until I come back.”

I walked down the stairs and towards the ladies room. I was pissed. Of all the times for a fight to break out it had to be now. I hope these two girls knew it wasn’t going to be pretty for them.

Jay

I watched the girl walk away and couldn’t help but become even more curious of her.

“Bobby, come sit and tell us about this Sarah.”

“What would you like to know?”

I sat back in my chair while he stood at attention by me.

“Well how old is she? What exactly is her job here? Just give me a run down.”

“Sarah is 25, she lives alone and has no family. She is the youngest of all the employees and boss man treats her like his daughter. She started off as a bartender here but after she got her black belt boss man started to put her in charge of handling the female altercations to avoid sexual harassment law suits. She also does the MC work when needed and is in charge of the VVIP guests when they come here. She is actually really popular and brings back at least 85% of the people coming in as VIPs. She loves music and when she was bar tending she use to do a little song and dance routine with her friend at the bar. The guys really loved it but boss man stopped it after a couple of guys tried to grab her. Now she is only allowed to dance or sing when she is on the stage because it’s easier to keep an eye on her for me and the rest of the bouncers. Anything else you want to know?”

“Does she have a man in her life? Know anything about her future plans or wishes?”

“No man, boss man keeps an eye on her to make sure she stays safe. When he brings up the topic of marrying her off she always threatens to run away. The only future plans I know of is her saving for a trip to Korea. She has always wanted to go there. She grew up here in the community and after her parents died the community took care of her. Some of the older moms have saved up to send her but she doesn’t want to use their money.”

“Why hasn’t she looked into becoming a singer? She has the talent?”

“She has but she isn’t what the American industry wants.”

“Interesting. Thanks bobby. You can go, we will be fine until she returns.”

Bobby bowed and walked out the door closing it.

“Jay what are you thinking?”

“Nothing much Gray, I just have this feeling she could be something with the right help. She won’t get it here.”

“So what you want to help her? Why?”

“I just do gray. I know I shouldn’t but the girl has talent and it needs to be polished. She isn’t what they want here…”

“She won’t be what they want back home either, she isn’t Korean.”

“They don’t need to know that. We could give her a Korean stage name and just test her out on some of the tracks we are working on. See what the people think.”

“Well looks like you have it all planed out. So much for not thinking of much. How are you going to convince her or her boss?”

“I doubt it will take much to convince a girl who has always wanted to go to Korea. Her boss might be a bit harder, I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to let my daughter run off across the world with a group of guys who I don’t know. But I’m sure I can talk him into it. I’m jay park, I wouldn’t be where I am if I didn’t know how to sell an idea.”

NEXT CHAPTER

#Jay park #fanfic #aomg #gray #loco #jay park scenarios

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jflashandclash · 7 years

Text

Attrition of Peace

Twelve: Frank

Thank the Gods My Dad is Roman

��Frank was determined to act like everything was normal today. He wanted to pretend he hadn’t spent the first half of yesterday avoiding his girlfriend and the latter half of the day chasing down weasels. No matter what animal he had turned into, he’d discovered weasels were difficult to catch.

Normally, he found his praetor house unbearably lonely. Jason had helped him take all of Jason’s stuff out, and put Frank’s stuff in. Members of the Fifth Cohort had snuck in for sleepovers a few times, but it was huge compared to the barracks. It made him think of his family’s burned mansion in North Vancouver.

At least he hadn’t blown up Camp Jupiter and Reyna could go on her date in peace. Despite all his heroics the past summer, he was still scared of disappointing her.

And he was scared of telling anyone that his stick was missing.

He must have misplaced it. That’s what he kept telling himself, but he kept imagining someone thinking it was a piece of kindling and throwing it in the fire. He’d furtively had the members of the Fifth Cohort go through their guests clothing when they went to the baths last night—just in case. He had known they were going to leave to catch a flight this morning, one earlier than morning inspection, and he didn’t want his stick to do some cross country traveling without him.

But nothing. He’d retraced all of his steps as a bloodhound to see if he could pick up the smell. The scent dead-ended at the Principia, intermixed with the various scents of their new guests. It was like someone had poofed with it. He didn’t know how it could disappear without him knowing. Normally, that thing weighed on him heavier than Sisyphus’s boulder.

This alone time at the praetor house gave him the quiet he needed to panic as he shaved his patchy chin growth and prepared to suit up for the day.

Then a shimmery image of Annabeth appeared in his mirror. Well, not in his mirror. Where the sunlight caught the steam in front of his mirror.

Frank yelped, stumbled backwards, and almost tripped over the toilet.

“Oh gods, it actually got through!” Annabeth cheered. “Frank!”

“Hey Annabeth,” he said, trying to pull his shirt and pants on as quickly and casually as he could. Knowing Annabeth, she wouldn’t even notice, but he could still feel his cheeks burn with embarrassment. “I thought Iris Messaging hasn’t been working.”

“It hasn’t!” Percy’s voice came from somewhere behind her. “And Iris hasn’t been giving me any drachma refunds!”

“Percy!” he cried. Just hearing their voices was calming. Maybe they’d have some ideas on how to find his kindling. “It’s good to hear from you two.”

“Unfortunately, we don’t have time to digress,” Annabeth said. She turned her face towards Percy and Frank could imagine the chastising look she was giving Percy. She looked back towards Frank, having given him—possibly strategically—time to change. “We’re looking for some demigods. They’re lead by a guy called Axel Pax—”

“He’s here. Why?” Frank said. He felt something squishy on his shirt. He reached down and found shaving cream smeared all over his clothing. He sighed, realizing he’d have to get changed again.

Percy snorted, “Because one of the girls with him went a little Poison Ivy and killed a bunch of mortals.”

“Percy! We’re not sure exactly what happened yet!”

Frank stared at Annabeth’s image. “What?”

Her expression was grim. “It’s not pretty. She’s carrying Backbiter, Kronos’s old scythe, though it could be in xiphos form. We don’t know what’s going on, but they have definitely proven to be dangerous.”

Frank was starting to feel nauseous, like he’d eaten some ice cream. “We just sent them your way on an airplane. Well, most of them. One of them is here, Axel Pax. Their escorts reported that one of them went missing on the way to the airport, maybe thirty minutes ago. A kid named Pax.” Reyna was supposed to be interrogating Axel about his brother’s disappearance right now.

“Be careful of that kid,” Percy warned. “The Stolls said there are rumors he can change into other people.”

Frank’s nausea solidified into a knot in his stomach. He thought about how Hazel hadn’t quite acted like herself when he saw her yesterday morning on their walk to the battlegrounds and on their… detour. And how Hazel left to grab something, only to show up moments later from a slightly different direction. She’d made him so flustered, he hadn’t thought twice about it.

And he hadn’t noticed his kindling was gone during the rest of practice because he was so focused on what to say to Hazel, and so upset she was acting like nothing had happened.

Frank balled his fists. His face felt like it was on fire and he couldn’t decide if it was from embarrassment or rage. “He has my stick. He stole it from me,” Frank realized.

“What?!” Annabeth asked, her face going pale.

“How?!” Percy asked. “You watch that thing like it’s your… well, your life force.”

“It went missing yesterday morning,” Frank growled. He was going to find that Pax kid, turn into a grizzly bear, and smack him around until Pax gave him his stick back and an apology. How dare he impersonate Hazel like… like that.

“Oh gods,” Annabeth said. “Frank, we’ll find them and your stick. When do the others land in New York?”

Frank shook his head. With trying to round up the weasels, run the camp, avoid Hazel, and look for his stick, he hadn’t paid as much attention to their guests’ itinerary. “I’m not sure, but I can find out from Reyna—but I’m not sure how to get in contact with you after. Iris Messaging hasn’t been working and every time we’ve tried to call you—”

Annabeth frowned. “My cell phone malfunctioned after I took some pictures of an Egyptian journal that we’re pretty sure was cursed.”

Frank probably should have asked, but his anger was too distracting.

“We’re pretty sure they used to be part of Kronos’ army, so the Pax brothers will be trained and—”

“You knew they were part of Kronos’ army and you let them into your camp?” Frank demanded.

Annabeth sighed, like she’d had this conversation before. “That’s not important right now. Just know that they could be very dangerous—”

“—same with that Ana girl—”

“—Euna,” Annabeth corrected. “And, Frank…” Annabeth’s expression changed. “Leo is—”

The image shuddered. Annabeth’s image disappeared as something moved in front of his window, blocking the sunlight’s path to the steam.

Frank almost hoped it was Pax, so he could throttle the kid. But he would have way rather heard the end of that sentence. Leo is… what?

“Those punks are dangerous,” the person said behind him. “But nothing you can’t handle.”

Frank was pretty sure he recognized that voice, though it sounded much smugger than usual. Frank turned, wishing people would stop crashing his bathroom.

He just wanted to finish shaving.

The man behind him wore a pair of dark cargo pants, a dark camo shirt, and a bulletproof vest lined with grenades. His combat boots were caked with mud, adding some unneeded decorations on Frank’s white floor. He wore red-tinted night vision goggles and a black bandana with a skull symbol. He was huge, and shouldered an enormous assault rifle, like a HKG36 on steroids. He stared past Frank, at the mirror. With his other hand, he shaved some scruff off his neck with a hunting knife.

Frank decided he didn’t want to use his dinky razor while this guy was shaving with a hunting knife. Frank could go get a knife from his room to try the same, but—with his luck—that would end this conversation faster than getting Hannibal the elephant to storm the praetor house.

“Mars?” Frank asked. Normally, his father looked like an honorable soldier. This guy looked more like an eager mercenary.

The guy must have been satisfied with his shave job, stowing away his hunting knife. “Eh, close enough kid. Ares. I don’t usually come here like this, especially with all you Romans expecting my other side, but this is personal. To both me and my stiffer side, I guess. And to Rome. But Roman aspect won’t handle this as tactfully as I will.”

Ares set his assault rifle down so he could crack his knuckles.

Frank didn’t understand why he was getting so mad at Ares for tracking dirt into his bathroom. He guessed it was Ares’ aggressive atmosphere, but he still felt like going for a loving father-son smack down. Were the Greek aspects of gods more… influential than the Roman?

“Is this about my stick?” Frank asked. He was mad at himself for asking. He didn’t want to talk about it, but the words just slipped out.

Ares bellowed out a laugh. “Oh no. That’s your problem. This is about those two punks, though mostly about the one that can turn part monster. I gotta hand it to him. If I didn’t hate him, I’d say he has a lot of spunk. Waltzing around Camp Jupiter—like he hadn’t killed two praetors.”

Frank dropped his razor. It clattered on the ground. “He what?!”

Ares shrugged, like this shouldn’t have been shocking. “The legion had to lose two praetors for Reyna and Jason to come to office. I’m not sure how he took out the first one, the one that Reyna replaced, but that monster killed the second in an ambush during the Second Titan War. He wore their medals on his military cloak as battle trophies.”

Wooziness hit Frank. Yesterday, he’d practiced fighting with Axel. He could envision the seemingly genuine glee Axel exuded when battling Reyna. Frank remembered feeling stupidly excited when Axel patted him on the back, complimenting one of his strikes. Axel gave off the confident cool of a leader, one that needed impressing.

But he had smelled weird. Frank couldn’t describe it, other than not-human.

“He killed two praetors. And you’re saying he can turn into a monster?” Frank asked.

“Something like that. I don’t really get it. The Leonis Caput is one of Hecate’s weird magic-science experiments. I’m not sure how much of it comes from being a savage freak, but he has a helmet that can turn him part monster now. But he doesn’t have it on him, so you should be able to take him pretty easily. I kinda wish he did, it would be a better fight.” Ares seemed disappointed.

“Gee, sorry,” Frank muttered.

The Leonis Caput. Frank had heard older legionnaires talk about that creature, one of Krios’s lieutenants.

“It’s a shame. Now, if I remember properly, you Romans are all about quests, right?” Ares scratched under his chin. “You got a pen on you?”

“Uh, no.”

“Augh, why do I feel like Romans never have pens?”

Frank scowled. “We’re in my bathroom.”

“Whatever,” Ares growled. He withdrew a grenade that morphed into a pen and went to scribble on Frank’s wall. Frank wanted to yell at him to stop. He’d have to clean that and the dirt on his floor. He wasn’t sure what the regulations were on yelling at your godly parent, but he assumed it would result in more than being grounded.

“So, you’re supposed to be a good tactician and whatever. If you were this guy, what do you think you’d be up to?”

Frank’s mind whirled. His jaw dropped. The Pax brothers had his stick. And Axel was currently with—

“Reyna,” Frank gasped. “Do you think he’s trying to collect more praetor medals?”

“I don’t know. I just hate the guy. It’s why I cursed him,” Ares said and stepped back from the wall.

“Why do you—”

Ares vanished, leaving Frank with a quest scribbled on his bathroom wall:

Bring the Leonis Caput before the council of the gods for divine judgment. Or at least kick his ass. Have fun kid.

Frank stared at the message for a second, deciding something for sure: the Greek version of his dad was a jerk.

Then he realized he was staring when he should have been scrambling for his armor and weapons. Reyna should be strong enough to hold off the Leonis Caput, right? Especially if he didn’t have his helm?

Good ol’ Ares.... such a great dad!

Sorry I’m running late on updates! It’s been a crazy week. Regardless, I hope you enjoy! I’m super excited for next week’s chapter: Axel’s Handicap of Emotional Heartache. Ready for this book to earn its title! XD

#The Attrition of Peace #Traitors of Olympus #Percy Jackson and the Olympians #Heroes of Olympus #PJO #HOO #fanfiction #I just finished writing the first major character death in this book AHHHHH!!!#there was a lot less muahahahaing than I had hoped and a lot more feeling like a jerk #but--for the sake of villainy--MUAHHHAHAHHA!

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rbbalmung · 7 years

Text

Quiddsies: Chapter 3

Hey guys! This chapter is in Katherine’s perspective and picks up near the end of the last chapter. I will warn you that this chapter is even longer than the last one, but I think that’s a good thing!

What What Happens:

“Come on, boys! Are we really going to let Wiesel and Pulitzer walk all over us?” Katherine briskly followed the rest of her team, ignoring the glares some the surrounding students were giving her,” Anyone? Darcy?”

She desperately reached forward and pulled her childhood friend back by his sleeve,” Come on, Kitty,” He gently pried her hand off of his sweater,” You and I both know that our fathers would murder us if we joined this strike. I’m in enough trouble with him as it is.”

Mr. Reid had always been too tough on his only child and was practically forcing him to take over the family business as soon as he graduated. Katherine’s father, on the other hand, was the exact opposite; he practically ignored his daughter and actually discouraged her from following in his footsteps. Katherine cringed when the mental image of Darcy’s father roughly grabbing him and threatening that he’d disown him if he didn’t get an outstanding in his O.W.L.s. If he found out that Darcy was purposely skipping class...

The boy with glasses sighed. He obviously didn’t want her to get involved in something that could get her in in trouble, but he recognized the determined glint in her eyes and knew she wouldn’t be giving in. With a worried frown, he pulled her into a tight hug,” Are you really going to do this? It’s not your best idea.”

“We both know that it’s my fault quidditch was taken away in the first place,” Katherine buried her face in her friend’s jacket, instantly being taken back to long nights hiding away from dinner parties and Christmases spent at Hogwarts in order to avoid their families. In many ways, Darcy was the brother Katherine never had, and every fiber of her being didn’t want him to sacrifice his well-being for her,” I have to fight to make things right again. I won’t let everyone suffer because of me; If I’m the last person standing, I’m going to stand firm.”

“....Fine,” She blinked in surprise when her friend pulled away from the hug and waved towards the retreating Slytherin team,” You always have had a way with words, Kitty,” When she sent him an even more confused look, he elaborated,” I will help you, but I can’t do it openly. If you ever need someone to bounce an idea off of, I’d be more than happy to help.”

While it wasn’t full support, the small amount was more than enough for Katherine,” I don’t deserve you, Darcy.”

“I think you’ve got that backwards, but I’ll take the compliment,” He grinned cheekily,” Now go and get the rest of the team to back you up before they make it too far.”

She gave him one last hug before taking his advice and racing to catch up with the Slytherins,” Hey! Hey guys! Wait up! I need to talk to you!” When they showed no signs of stopping, she moved onto her second form of persuasion; a threat,” I swear to god, if you don’t stop right now-”

“You’ll do what, Captain?” Oscar sent her a warning glance, but much to her relief, he stopped to face her,” Or should I call you Princess instead, since that’s what we all know you are.”

She clenched her fists and forced the urge to hex him into tomorrow away. While she would never admit it to anyone, she used to be fairly good friends with the Delanceys. Their dad used to be her father’s bodyguard, meaning that most of their childhood was spent killing time outside of his office. The three’s friendship broke off, however, when they began to attend Hogwarts; The Delanceys got involved with the wrong people, and Katherine didn’t stand for their transition into becoming bullies. There was also a misunderstanding between herself and Morris, but she prefered to forget that ever happened,” I know that you’re all scared, but you heard what Crutchie said; if we stand together, we can fight Pulitzer!” Oscar’s glare intensified, urging her to back away. Sadly, Katherine was never one accept defeat,” And as much as we hate the reputation we have and the glares we get at school for our house colors, we have to stand beside them to get quidditch back.”

Morris stepped forward,” I’d shut up if I were you, Princess.”

“Is that a threat?”

“You heard me loud and clear.”

Suddenly, a short boy with deep black hair stepped between the two. He couldn’t have been past his fourth year, but the amount of gusto he was showing was fairly impressive,” Hey now, is that any way to treat a beautiful lady? I’d back away if I were you.”

She tried to hide her laughter. Was this kid flirting with her? Had something happened between her fifth and sixth year that suddenly made her a boy magnet? Katherine chuckled,” While I appreciate your spunk, Romeo, I can protect myself.”

He gave her a cheeky wink before trudging over to Jojo, nudging his shoulder in excitement,” How did she know my name was Romeo?”

Without the 4th year to be a barrier between them anymore, Morris had no problem getting right in her face. She held her ground firmly, staring straight into his wild eyes with a sense of defiance. The two held each other’s gaze for what felt like an eternity, only breaking the stare-off when Morris emitted a condescending laugh,” You heard what she said, Oscar; She doesn’t need anyone to protect her anymore,” He turned to leave, making sure to purposely knock her aside,” Don’t come running back to me when your Daddy hears about this.”

The brothers, once again, left without sending so much as a glance at Katherine. She mentally chastised herself as she regained her footing; a part of her knew that the Delanceys wouldn’t be on her side, but she couldn’t help but feel her hope dashed as they left her in the dust. Darcy, who had caught up by this point, send her an encouraging thumbs up before following after his friend Bill. Much like the two of them, Bill was raised in a wealthy family and held to almost unreachable standards. Him stepping away from the strike was reasonable.

Katherine sighed, waiting to watch the rest of her team follow suit. It was starting to look like she was going to be the only Slytherin to join the strike, which would not turn out well for her at all. Oh well. Someone had to do it, and if it was going to be her-

“So what now, cap?”

The girl’s heart fluttered when she turned to find two of her teammates smiling back at her,” Wait, you guys are going to strike with me?”

Romeo grinned cheerfully,” Of course! What kind of a gentlemen would I be if I let you do this alone? Plus, I heard that girls like bad boys. I’ll have the ladies all over me in a matter of hours once word gets around.”

She let out a watery laugh, relief filling her up like a balloon,” Thanks, Romeo. What about your friend?”

The fifth year, Jojo, shrugged with an even bigger smile on his face,” I really wanted to strike for quidditch, I just didn’t want to be the only one. I was waiting for someone else to join with me.”

“...Really?”

“You said it yourself,” His smile shifted into a more bittersweet one,” The other houses don’t exactly like us.”

She couldn’t say he didn’t have a point,” I’ll take it! Now, let’s go meet back up with the others before they assume we dropped out altogether.”

==============================================================

By the time Katherine, Romeo, and Jojo had returned to the pitch, the strikers were all talking over each other. The words “Weasel”, “Detention”, “Durmstrang”, and several profanities popped out of the conversations like neon signs, drawing Katherine closer to the group. She couldn’t say she was surprised when Jack’s voice rang out above the rest,” Come on, Finch, are you telling me you’re scared of Durmstrang?”

“I’m not scared of anything!” The boy replied defensively. Many of the students in on the conversation sent him incredulous looks, causing him to shrivel up slightly,” But the last time I sent my owl there, he returned missing a ton of feathers!”

“Why don’t you just send your owl, Jack?” One of the Ravenclaws, Specs, pointed out,” You’re friends with Spot Conlon, aren’t you?”

“You know Spot Conlon?” Katherine felt the words leave her lips before she could stop them. Spot Conlon was the youngest professional quidditch player in Europe, and had gained himself quite the reputation from playing as a beater for the Hungarian Horntails. While he wasn’t her favorite quidditch player, she couldn’t deny the giddy feeling that bubbled inside of her at the thought of interacting with him,” How do you know Spot Conlon?”

A slight smirk snuck its way onto Jack’s face as he hopped forward to meet her,” Well, what are you doing here?”

“Asking a question,” Good answer, Kat. Keep him on his toes,” Do you have an answer?”

“Spot Conlon and I are both from New York City. I met him at the Quidditch World Cup last year, so we write each other back and forth to keep in touch. Since he goes to Durmstrang, we’re trying to decide whose owl we’re sending to him,” When she waved for him to explain, his grin grew even wider,” We’re trying to spread the word to the other schools to get their support for the cause. We figured that if we can get everyone on board, we’ll make a bigger commotion,” The brunet stuffed his hands in his pockets and retreated back to the group, silently baiting her to tag along,” You know, for someone who doesn’t care about quidditch, you sure spend a lot of time on the pitch. What is that about?” He winked,” Are you following me?”

“Who said I didn’t care about quidditch? I am the captain of the Slytherin team, aren’t I?” Katherine crossed her arms,” And no, I’m not following you: I’m here to join the strike.”

She tried to ignore the weirdly adorable way Jack’s eyes lit up when she said that and flipped to face an extremely skeptical Davey,” Didn’t you just walk away an hour ago?”

“I was getting reinforcements,” She motioned towards the two boys behind her, both of whom waved eagerly,” Jojo and Romeo also want to join the cause. We figured that you wouldn’t properly gain Headmaster Wiesel’s attention without all four houses participating.”

“I wouldn’t call three people joining participation,” Albert backed his captain up.

“Hey now, any help is good help,” Katherine both relaxed and tensed up when she felt Jack clap his hand on her shoulder,” You heard what Crutchie said earlier; if we stand together, we can accomplish anything.”

She nodded politely while simultaneously shrugging his hand away. To say that she had mixed feelings about Jack was an understatement. While she wanted to believe that she didn’t care about the stupid flirt with the outrageously large ego, the playbill with a beautiful sketch of her consistently burned a hole in her bag as a reminder of her confliction. No matter. Now wasn’t the time to mull over feelings, it was the time to make a difference,” Speaking of help, I’ve got a way to spread the word not only to the students, but other wizards as well.”

Crutchie rose his eyebrow,” What do you mean?”

“I’m a writer,” To prove her point, she pulled a notepad and quill out of her bag,” If you guys will let me interview you, I’ll whip together an article and send it to the quibbler.”

“The quibbler?” Davey choked out a laugh,” They’re not exactly the most respected news source around.”

Much to her surprise, a Hufflepuff girl with mousy brown hair stood up for her,” What are you suggesting we do instead? Send it in to the Daily Prophet? I’m not sure if you’ve noticed or not, but they’re the reason we’re striking in the first place.”

“But nobody reads the Quibbler,” Elmer pointed out,” How much help will a failing paper be?”

“More help than no paper,” Katherine retorted as she squared her shoulders. Jojo wasn’t kidding when he said the other houses didn’t trust them, for at the moment, Jack and the hufflepuff girl seemed to be the only two people onboard with her,” Look, I know that this doesn’t look ideal, but I promise, I will get us the space.”

There were a few beats of silence with every quidditch player mulling her proposition over. Finally, Crutchie spoke up,” You really think you could get us in a paper?”

“With a story like this?” A small smile flitted over her lips,” We’re gonna make the front page.”

A collective gasp rang throughout the crowd as the group turned to see each other: Mush and Kid Blink instinctively grabbed each other's shoulders, Specs’s glasses had slipped down to the brim of his nose, Dutchey was bouncing on the balls of her feet in excitement, and Davey had reached behind himself to grab Crutchie’s hand. If Jack was excited, he was good at hiding it,” Well, are we all in collective agreement to allow the Slytherins to join the strike?”

A huge grin broke across Katherine’s face when all of the quidditch students cheered in unison.

=============================================================

The rest of the afternoon was spent either planning, socializing, or in Katherine’s case, starting interviews. While she was nervous at first, some of the things she learned put her at ease. For example, Elmer wanted to play quidditch because it was tradition for his family to try out. He was hoping to become co-captain the following year and eventually take over the team once Race graduated.

Buttons, the Hufflepuff chaser, was also a prefect and quite possibly the sweetest person Katherine had ever met. The first thing he asked was if he could still help the kids in his house during the strike, to which she couldn’t say no to. It was oddly refreshing to see someone put others before themselves, especially when she came from a house of self-sufficient students.

However, the student she was most curious about was a Mr. Jack Kelly: He had spent a good majority of the day working on his letter to Spot, using his free time to check on the newly formed union members. With Katherine spending every available moment to interview the others, it was starting to look like the two wouldn’t meet up until the next day.

Katherine had been interviewing Davey and his little brother, Les, up until the sun had nearly set. When it became evident that Bunson, the groundskeeper, would come after them if they didn’t leave soon, the two bid her goodbye and headed back up to their rooms. She was about to follow suit when the silhouette of a certain strike leader caught her eye. The auburn haired girl made sure to straighten her shoulders and keep her chin held high before heading in his direction,” So what’s your story? Are you planning on playing quidditch professionally to pay for art school?”

He visibly lit up when she approached him, but scoffed at her question,” Art school? Are you kidding me?”

“But you’re an artist. You’ve got real talent,” To prove her point, she dug an extremely familiar playbill out of her bag and held it out. Katherine watched his expression shift from confusion to a touch of bashfulness as he observed his work,” You should be pursuing art-”

“You kept it?”

“-instead of focusing on-” Her heart leapt straight into her throat when she finally processed what he asked and the way he was looking at her. Damn, how was she supposed to react when he was staring at her with that much admiration? Katherine cleared her throat and regained her bearings,” O-Of course. I wasn’t kidding when I said you had real talent,” Reel it in, Kat. You’re supposed to be interviewing him, not tripping over yourself like a silly schoolgirl,” You should place your focus on your art instead of quidditch.”

He shrugged half-heartedly,” Maybe that’s not what I want.”

She eagerly pulled her notepad and quill out of her bag, ready to record,“ Then tell me what you want.”

“...Can’t you see it in my eyes?” Katherine glanced up from her writings to see him sending her the cheekiest grin she had ever laid eyes on. That was more like it; this was the Jack Kelly she had heard hushed rumors about in the hallways. The same boy that had jumped into so many people’s pants that nobody could keep count and slacked in all of his classes because he enjoyed vexing the professors. She had been fooling herself when she thought he gave a damn about anything but himself.

With newly found confidence, Katherine rolled her eyes and walked straight past him,” Yeah, okay,” She was about to put her supplies away and call it a day, but the Gryffindor reached forward and gently grabbed her by her elbow. As much as she wanted to deny it, the look Jack was giving her was the exact same look she had given Darcy earlier that day. With a deep breath, she decided to give him a second chance,” Have you always been their leader?”

“Davey’s the brains, I’m just the blowhard,” The brunet replied honestly,” He actually knows what he’s doing.”

The voice in the back of her head insisting that there was more to Jack that meant the eye was screaming at her to say something, but she was honestly too shocked to investigate,” Modesty is not a quality I would’ve pinned on you.”

“Gee, thanks,” She chuckled at his response, but was not at all ready for his next question,” What about you, huh? Why’re you striking with us?”

She hoped that she hid the wave of nerves that rolled into her stomach well and nonchalantly crossed her arms,” I’m standing up for...,” Katherine frantically searched her brain for any excuse that could get him off her back for at least a little while,”...women’s rights.”

Unfortunately, he seemed to catch on,” What, aren’t you sure?”

“We live in a world where witches are barely placed on quidditch teams. It’s bad enough that there are barely any girls on in general, but if we take quidditch away for good, there’s no guarantee that they’ll let ladies play in professional teams,” Well, it wasn’t a lie. Katherine felt strongly about equal rights, and the surge of pride that swelled in her chest whenever she announced she was the Slytherin quidditch captain was a feeling she didn’t want to be taken away from other girls,” Don’t you feel the same?”

The familiar look of admiration crept back into Jack’s eyes as he smiled at her,” ‘Course. I’ve seen you, Smalls, and Sniper play. You girls are a force to be reckoned with.”

She shook her blush away and quickly changed the subject,” So tell me about this week. What are you hoping for?”

“I’d rather tell you what I was hoping for tonight.”

Man, this boy really knew how to screw himself over in her mind,” Mr. Kelly.”

Much to her surprise, he held her eye contact for another few seconds before sighing and giving up,” This week, we’re testing out our boundaries and how easy they’ll give in. If that doesn’t work, we head straight to Pulitzer’s office and protest.”

The auburn haired girl’s heart stopped. Why the heck were they planning on doing that?! That was dangerous! If her father so much as caught word that she was going to be there-

“Are you okay, Ace?”

She snapped away from her snare of negative thoughts to find Jack looking directly at her, his eyes laced with worry,” I’m fine. It’s just...aren’t you scared?”

“Do I look scared?” He waited a beat, subtly slipping his hands in his pockets before whispering,” Ask me again in a week.”

To say she was impressed would be an understatement. As a Gryffindor, she figured that he would brashly declared that nothing could scare him. To her, admitting that he was just as nervous as she was was a sign of true bravery,” Good answer,” Katherine stated honestly, hoping that the genuineness of her words shone through her smile. It seemed that they had, because the same lovestruck look that she constantly caught him sending her returned in a snap. The more that she saw the pure bliss shining in his gorgeous, green eyes, the more she-

Katherine shook her head, mentally berating herself for thinking such things and frantically stuffing her supplies back in her bag,” Goodnight, Jack Kelly.”

He blinked in confusion, seemingly not fully processing her words until she was exiting the pitch,” Hey--Hey Plumber! Where’re you going? It’s not even dinner yet!”

“I’ve got an article to start. I’ll see you in the morning,” She replied cheekily,” And off the record...,” Katherine decided against listening to the voice in her head warning her to stay away and sent Jack one last grin,” I’m pulling for us to win.”

A wave of relief washed over her when the boy’s familiar smirk settled back on his face,” Yeah, alright. Make sure you write it good, Plumber.”

#newsies #Quiddsies #hogwarts newsies au #katherine plumber #jack kelly #darcy reid #oscar delancey #morris delancey #davey jacobs #romeo #jojo #quidditch #hogwarts #crutchie #smalls #albert #pulitzer

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allthingslinguistic · 8 years

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The orgin and constraints of “shitgibbon” compounds

Today in hard-hitting linguistics research, the linguist blogosphere has been investigating shitgibbon and related words.

Ben Zimmer starts off on Strong Language with an investigation into the origin and history of shitgibbon:

Leach’s “fascist, loofa-faced, shit-gibbon” was clearly inspired by MetalOllie’s “Cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon” (which proved so popular you can even buy it on a mug). Shitgibbon has a lot going for it, with the same punchy meter as other Trumpian epithets popularized last summer like cockwomble, fucknugget, and jizztrumpet. (Metrically speaking, these words are compounds consisting of one element with a single stressed syllable and a second disyllabic element with a trochaic pattern, i.e., stressed-unstressed. As a metrical foot in poetry, the whole stressed-stressed-unstressed pattern is known as antibacchius.)

But shitgibbon didn’t originate with MetalOllie. Its early history has been traced by Hugo van Kemenade, a resourceful word researcher whose biggest claim to fame is finding the earliest known use of the word selfie in a 2002 Australian forum post. (He goes by @hugovk on Twitter and just “Hugo” elsewhere.) As Hugo shared on English Language & Usage Stack Exchange and Wiktionary, shitgibbon can be found all the way back in 2000 on music-related Usenet newsgroups.

EvilJam32, 21 Mar 2000, alt.music.tragically-hip Good luck and goodbye to the most sick-making, hypocritical bunch of shitgibbons i’ve yet encountered on the Web!

Later, Ben confirms the origin of shitgibbon:

Breaking news! I've confirmed that the originator of "shitgibbon" is none other than David Quantick, writing for @NME in the late '80s.

Taylor Jones then takes us into what kinds of words can be variants of “shitgibbon”:

So, it's not the fact of being a gibbon per se. Various other monkeys would work: vervet, mandrill, etc. However, crucially, baboons, macaques, black howlers, and pygmy marmosets are out.

Moreover, it's not completely unlimited. Some words fit but don't make much sense as an insult: cock bookshelf, fart saucepan (which I quite like, actually), dick pension, belch welder.

Others sound like the kind of thing a child would say: fart person! poop human! turd foreman!

Yet others are too Shakespearean: fart monger! piss weasel!

Clearly some words (waffle, weasel, gibbon, pimple, bucket) are better than others (bookshelf, doctor, ninja, icebox), and some just depend on delivery (e.g., ironic twat hero, turd ruler, spunk monarch, dick duchess).

For a while, I've been discussing vowels in insults with fellow linguist Lauren Spradlin. Note that when we talk about vowels, we mean sounds, not letters. Don't worry about the spelling, try saying the below aloud. Spradlin has brought my attention to the importance of repeating vowels increasing the viability of a new insult of this form: crap rabbit, jizz biscuit, shit piston, spunk puffin, cock waffle, etc.

I would argue that having the right vowels actually gives you some leeway, so you can get away with following the first word with --- gasp! ---- a non-trochee! Be it an iamb (remember iambic pentameter?) as in douche-canoe, spluge caboose, or the delightfully British bunglecunt (h/t Jeff Lidz), or even more syllables: Kobey Schwayder's charming mofo-bonobo.

Contrary to what Taylor has, I think “douchebaboon” would actually work just fine, for the same vowel-matching reason that “douchecanoe” works. (But “shitbaboon” and “shitcanoe” are both pretty bad, I agree.)

But unless the second word has a matching vowel (in which case all bets are off), I think we can systematically predict which trochees are going to be okay. Let’s group them and have a look.

The good ones include: waffle, weasel, gibbon, pimple, bucket, biscuit, rabbit, piston, puffin, basket, whistle, helmet, blanket, mandrill, gopher, weevil, nugget, trumpet.

And the not-so-great ones include: bookshelf, saucepan, doctor, ninja, icebox.

Phonological constraints: trochee, CVCVC (+further optional consonants)

The good ones all seem to begin and end with a consonant (unlike ninja -- and I’d argue that kitty, pizza, zombie, banjo, ascot, ankle, emu, inkhorn, office are equally bad). Extra consonants are okay in any position (lobster, blanket, vortex), but you need at least one in each. The only counter-example I’ve found here is “monkey”.

As I’ve been constructing examples, I’ve also been noticing that while assonance makes the compound really good (see douchecanoe), consonance seems to make it worse: I avoided pisspirate, fartfreedom, shitscholar. But perhaps this is a matter of taste -- I can imagine someone liking pisspuffin or wankweasel.

Morphological constraint: monomorphemic

The good examples are also all monomorphemic, at least to current English speakers. For example, “gibbon” isn’t gibb+on, and even though -et might once have been added to helm-, blank-, buck-, this is no longer transparent to English speakers. On the other hand, many of the rejected words are transparently composed of parts: book-shelf, sauce-pan, ice-box.

Indeed, I can’t seem to find any compound that really works (jetpack, doorway, keyboard), although there are are lot of compounds in English and I certainly haven’t tried all of them. I wonder if this is some constraint against creating a (one-time, nonliteral) compound out of a word that’s already compounded. English is happy to entertain stacked transparent compounds (bathroom towel rack screw holder) but might have a harder time if the whole is supposed to be opaque. Counterexamples welcome here.

Semantic constraint: non-human

That leaves us with “doctor”. It’s dubiously morphologically transparent: English speakers probably recognize -or from words like “actor”, but “doct” isn’t an English word by itself. But I think that’s a red herring -- I’d argue that the important part here is that doctor already refers to a human (or human-like) entity. There’s something similarly weird about shitdentist, shitdemon, turdscholar, fartbarber, shitpirate, douchelawyer, and so on.

There are two possible reasons that I can see for this constraint. One is confusion -- if you call someone a shitdentist, do you mean that they’re a shitty dentist or a generically bad human being? Whereas if you call someone a shitweasel, they’re clearly not actually a weasel, so you must just be insulting them. To this end, the generic titles (shitmaster, turd duchess) seem to work better than specific professions, because we already have a tradition of ironically calling people titles, while we don’t have a tradition of ironically calling people doctors, lawyers, or other professions.

But secondly, having your second word be an animal or an inanimate object dehumanizes the target of your insult, which is more insulting -- as Taylor notes, the swear+title forms are probably ironic. [Update: it’s not that you can’t say, for example, assmaster or cockdoctor. It’s just that in the right context, they’re practically compliments.]

Abstract and mass nouns are also pretty weird for the opposite reason, because they’re hard to associate with a human at all (shitweather, shitlanguage, turdmonday, shitfreedom).

At any rate, since this now seems to be an active area of linguistics research, I think we need a name for this construction. I’m going to propose “shitgibbon compounds”.

#linguistics #SWEARING #LOTS OF SWEARING #shitgibbon #shitgibbon compounds #strong language #ben zimmer #taylor jones #compounds #trochees #insults #phonology #morphology #semantics #linguist lifestyle #linguist humour #pop culture linguistics

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hardcoremollywobbles · 8 years

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Momma Molly’s Smut-bunny Saviour #1

Here is where I will tell the kiddies to look away, and lock us in this room, so my own children never hear this conversation. I think Percy would faint. This lesson, if you couldn’t tell by the title, is not for kids. I have been noticing a set of rising trends in role-play and fan fiction. Trends that relate to the writing of smut. Certain words have come creeping into common use, that really do work against the writer, in achieving their desired response from the reader. I have decided, as an experienced mother of seven, a woman who knows her way around ‘the deed,’ to save you from yourselves. Here are some tips, to help you on your way. (Examples are drawn from things I have actually seen, so don’t judge me too harshly for them. Oh, and expect an obnoxious number of et ceteras.) 1) Pay attention to such things as where the chosen word is placed. There are different rules for where a word might sit in dialog and where one might fall in the narrative (the story being told outside of speech). If your chosen word is in the narrative, there are far stricter rules on what sounds good. Example: there’s a difference between one bloke telling his mate, “she’s got tits out to here,” and the narrative saying, ‘her tits were very big and bouncy.’ Coarse words, like ass, or any abbreviated word (nips, clit, etc.) have no place in the narrative. Their only place is in the dialog, if anywhere. 2) Avoid being too clinical. No one cares if you went to medical school, when you’re writing sex scenes. And no one wants to be reminded of a text book or a corpse, when they’re getting in the mood. Well, some people do, but necrophiliacs aren’t the majority of your audience. Avoid directly literal names that you would lift from a text book. These words sound rough, crass, indelicate, and also very medical (A.K.A. boring). Examples: Vulva, vagina, penis, blood engorged anything (just avoid blood, altogether, unless it’s external- blood drinking is fine), phallus, uterus, anus, colon, cervix, semen, sperm, fluid, arousal, lubrication, clitoris, labia/labial, fold, wrinkle, testicles/testes, appendage, prostate (as in prostate-stabber), muscle/love muscle/life muscle, perineum, organ, limb, etc. Even member can sound clinical, sometimes. 3) Avoid most short U sounds. That dreaded uh hangs there, like a mouth about to vomit. Some of these tend to sound or feel aggressive, as well. Unwelcoming and sandy. It turns off a good 60+ percent of your readers, even if they’re too polite to say so. I’ve developed this theory about the uh sound, and it seems to hold true. Examples in the flesh: front bum, love tunnel/fun tunnel/cream tunnel, pleasure nub, nub/nubbin (this makes me think of trying to make a vestigial tail or extra nipple erotic), butt, nut(s), fur, fur burger, cunt, smut (funny word, not sexy word), chubby, fuck stem, spunk/spunk trumpet and love trumpet, purple helmet yogurt chucker, vulva (and any of the above that fit the bill), pussy, mushroom/Mr. Mushroom, muff, muffin, humps/lumps (I don’t care if they’re your lovely lady lumps, nothing will make your cases of scoliosis and the mumps sexy, Honey), bulge/bulging, stump, slug (whether in Shell-shedding slug of affection, or When he went down on me, it felt like a slug in a slip-n-slide, there’s no sexiness here), rump, bud (only if you’re desperate for a second clitoris word), button/fuck button (”), junk, jugs, bumper, dumper, cum dumpster, buns, truncheon, rug/rug-muncher, chunky, turgid, etc. Examples in the deed: cum/cummies, nut, bust a nut, hump, pump (less bad than hump), fuck (situationally dependent, not great for narrative), punch, spunk, munch, lunch, bump/bump uglies, nurse and suckle (you’re not a baby), dutch love and titty fuck, chug, tug, rub and tug, slurp, guzzle, gulp, sputter, splutter, fudge packing (don’t draw attention to the feces, unless that’s what your fic is all about, Friend), etc. And never say your dick up-chucked its load. Please. 4) Not all alliterations are attractive. I know, it sounds like it can’t be true! Listen, though. There is many an alliteration that just falls flat. Or even if they don’t, they tend to be more funny than sexy. Examples: Pocket rocket (that sounds both small and fast), panty poking, hanky panky, womb groom, tonsil tickler, thrill drill, bologna pony/baloney pony, throb knob, flail nail, gasm chasm, etc. 5) Avoid certain short, flat A sounds. They often sound harsh and unsexy. Examples: Twat (also the American pronunciation of twot is unpleasant), snatch, ass, grab, fat, vag, mack, fanny (either way you mean it), jack, rack, slap (as in slap a tit/slap the sausage), clam/bearded clam (you can refer to the clitoris as the pearl, but don’t call the vagina a clam), yank, wank, crank, gap, gland, spooge cannon, tallywhacker, sack, mams, gag/gagging, stab, etc. 6) Avoid these uncomfortable words: Moist, damp, dank, musky (if it’s his scent, fine, I guess. If it’s a lady’s particular intimate region, die in some fiendfyre), musty, fishy, hairy anything (hairy sounds wild, unkempt, vulgar- there are sexier ways of wording it), weeping, seeping, leaking, dribbling, drip stink, stank, odor (scent or aroma is much better. Trust me. Even perfume), girth/girthed/girthy, slime/slimy, soggy, spongy, slobbering, liquefied, oozing, fleshy, meaty, turgescent, etc. 7) Genitalia are not interchangeable with animals, unless you’re a bestiac. Words like pussy, beaver, squirrel, and kitty are juvenile. And that’s before you get to camel toe and moose knuckle, dog/hound-dog/crotch dog, dolphin, porpoise, crotch-daschund, snake (and any kind of snake), weasel, worm, flobberworm, the giraffe neck, lizard, trunk, etc. 8) These words may not have been placed in the above categories, but they are just not sexy. Essentially, if you’d hear it out of a 14 year old boy’s favourite joke, don’t use it. Those are better for jest than lust. Here are some examples. -Male anatomy- Non-descript: Dong, ding dong, dingaling, thingy, thing (the thing that rose, the thing that grows, the thing that looks like an exclamation point, and more. Outta call that one an interrobang! But seriously, they are all terrible), pecker, the south pole, wiener, schlong, hard-on, prick (sounds so tiny and portable!), anything with masculine in it (It’s a penis. It doesn’t need to be a camo painted penis for us to get that it belongs to a bloke), wood, peen, manliness/man-ness, package (stimulus, or otherwise), Johnson/John-Thomas (not unless you buy it a monocle), etc. Visuals: man root, stem (so slender!), sausage, lightning rod, silly string shooter, tree trunk, baby’s arm, man meat, baby-maker, meat train, meat tampon, carrot (man or otherwise), boner (that’s a term for mistake for a reason), beef slinky, Mr. Floppy (as in, Mr. Floppy stood at attention), stiffy, lollipop (skinny, with a wonky, fat head?), batter blaster, You-know-what (I don’t need to hear about Voltemort’s erection), fishing pole, pickle/puking pickle, porker, pork or beef anything, leaking crown, knob, noodle/man-noodle, throat spackler, log/leaking log, monster, one-eyed anything, throbbing mass, man-cannon, etc. Basically, it will rarely, if ever, sound good to have man in front of anything. Twig and berries, meat and two veg... Meat pipe, meat whistle or meat flute. Basically, if it starts with meat, or any kind of meat, just don’t use it. Really. Balls, coin purse, funbags, punching bags, eggs, danglers, nuggets, spuds/love spuds, kiwis, etc. Many people feel like stalk, dick and cock sound terrible or gross, according to research, so branch out. Try some new words. Some people feel that weaponry euphemisms are too aggressive, or that they advocate unwanted sexual violence. Maybe try writing without words like sword and sheath, cannon, missile (and meat missile or heat seeking moisture missile), spear, blade, gun/love gun/rifle/DNA rifle/egg sniper/beef bazooka, ram rod, projectile anything, weapon/pleasure weapon, hammer of anything/warhammer, drill/fucktool, pike, spike and spire (so pointy!), helmeted warrior, mauve avenger, axe and axe wound, reamer, cherry assassin, battering ram, etc. We’re generally not trying to draw blood, here.

-Female anatomy- Jumbos, titties/tits, boobs/boobies, knockers, funbags, peaches, hooters, tatas, pillows, hood, headlights, melons, sweater puppies, milk sacks, chest balls, etc. Triangular area (way to take the sexuality right out of it), baby-maker, fun factory, snack shack, carpet, cavity (holy, unholy and otherwise), honey-pot, lady town, minge (ginger minge?), gay man’s nemisis (because vaginas are all at war with men that don’t want them? Ridiculous), location, love wallet, hairy checkbook/wallet, mound, flesh mitten, driveway/garage/oven, box, taco, pleasure casino (adding pleasure to something doesn’t make it sexy, ffs), lady garden, letter O, love pocket/cock pocket, hole, sideways smile, downstairs mouth/down south mouth, valve, etc. And, again, I really must mention the ultra violent imagery that calls bleeding to mind, such as gash, slash, axe wound, love wound, slice, slit/slit of ecstasy, pin cushion, arena/combat arena, missile silo, etc.

Gender-neutral anatomy: poopshoot/poop cavern, rusty bullet hole, Hershey Highway, strata chocolata, chocolate starfish, chocolate hotdog hallway, brown eye, fudge factory, fart factory, etc. Don’t draw attention to the feces, if you want to keep the reader comfortable or into the writing. Back door, rear, hiney, hind quarters, fleshy globes, balloon knot, button, boy pussy/boi pussi, wrinkled or puckered kiss, anal fortress, booty, etc. Narrow alleyway, cock cave, pool of sex/pool of ecstasy, taint, etc. Business, region, vicinity, down there, etc. Pubes/bed of pubes. Also, sex/the sex/his sex/her sex. This one is so vague and so overused. It’s probably the worst skill-based thing about the writing of Anne Rice. “He put his sex in her sex, and it was sex. Preternatural sex.” Yeah, I said it.

Fluids and related terms: toothpaste (even if it’s ‘the toothpaste of love’), juice, spooge (frothy or otherwise), pearl necklace and money shot, jizz, pre-cum, mayonnaise, baby batter/baby gravy (no one should want to think about babies when someone is in the act of release. Seriously), man-milk (remember about just jamming man in there?), protein shake, tadpole yogurt, etc. And don’t use vanilla for semen, just because of the colour. I assure you, it doesn’t taste like it.

Other words or terms: she took it like a man (devalues a gender strong enough to deal with periods AND pushing out babies. I’d like to see you try that), popping, grope, pork/porking (funny, not sexy), bone, eating out, handjob/blowjob, gobble, getting your rocks off, getting off, etc. And don’t ever use the words ‘his dick erupted like a zit, spraying its white hot load.’ Ever. Not least of all because load isn’t a sexy word, and the rest of it is stomach turning. It was the worst thing I read in a fic for a year. 9) This is how we do it. Here are some good starter tips, to avoid these clichéd traps and unpleasant expressions: - Stretch your vocabulary. Explore new words and phrases. Create something original. - Try to think of the story you’re telling, and the characters in it. Would they think in a direction that aligns with your narrative? - Try to think of how the words you chose will inform your reader(s) about your feelings or your character’s feelings. Are your words devaluing the other character(s)? Are your words treating said character(s) as one would an object? Is that your intent, as the story teller? - Remember foreplay. - Try to consider what responses feel real or true. - Think about the actual physics involved. What things would cause stresses on the body, and where? How would this impact the movements that your character(s) enact? Sex isn’t a clean and harmless activity, if it’s rough, for example. So, here goes busting some myths, for the purposes of delivering helpful information. If you’re holding someone up against a wall, there’s going to be limited ranges of certain movements. You will probably bang your knees. If you’re holding someone up, you probably won’t be able to get a hand between the two of you, to fiddle with anyone’s bits, or up, to pull anyone’s hair. You would need an extra hand for that. Also, it’s important to note that your character will probably only have two hands. If you’re penetrating, that singular entry will probably not be a seamless thrust to your hilt. You’ve got to push or slide that thing in. Thrusting tends to come later, Sport. And speaking of ‘come later,’ simultaneous orgasms are rare, and usually involve some tantric discipline. You’re not going to nail that, each time. And I’d be surprised if it happened on anyone’s first time. Gents who slip it in that first time will probably shoot off too soon, and that’s normal and okay. Homosexual males don’t tend to use melted butter for intercourse, and no, blood does NOT make a good lubricant. Also, gay fics have way too much anal penetration. Yes, you heard me. In most cases, a homosexual couple will tend towards more oral sex and foreplay, because if they were all only doing anal it would a) get boring fast, and b) cause a lot of unnecessary soreness. You need to balance those things, in a meaningful relationship fic. I get that not every character interaction involves care, but where it does, learn a little balance. Speaking of balance, when writing BDSM fics, remember the importance of aftercare. Read about it. Learn about it. It’s a big part of a BDSM relationship. I know that this is a bit rushed and disorganized, but I really hope that you find it helpful.

#helpful hints #writing help #smut #mommamolly #MommaMolly's Helpful Hints #smut 101 #Smut-bunny Saviour #word choice

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