#The rest of the time has been spent socializing and working on stuff (like Rune Factory 5. very important)

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Found a good book series so I've been busy

[bluephoenixdruidicprincess]

Shadowhunters Season 3 Episode 8, A Heart of Darkness Review

Welcome to another Shadowhunters review. Because I love to torture myself with ridiculous and illogical writing. But actually this week's episode, whereas it was ridiculous and illogical, I didn't hate this episode. It wasn't great but for an hour of television, I could tolerate it. So here we are with Season 3 Episode 8, A Heart of Darkness.

I would like to preface this review with saying that I am NOT a huge supporter of this show. I do enjoy certain elements of it but I'm not what would be classified as a devoted fan. For me, Shadowhunters is not a good show and I do get very critical of the show in my reviews. Honestly, for me, I watch the show because 1) I'm too curious not to and 2) I find that this show can be so bad its funny and that's how I reap enjoyment out of it. I am not at all invested in this show or its characters anymore. I'm just watching to see what happens. If you're a die hard fan and you lash out at everyone who has a different opinion than you, you might want to skip these. I'm just saying. My reviews may not be for you. If you do decide to be a total troll, well then pay attention to the below disclaimer. 

This is going to be an honest review of my thoughts and feelings regarding this episode. If you're the kind of Shadowhunters fan where you only want to hear positive things about the show, this is not the place for you. If you decide to stick around and get offended by what is said, then that's on you. I warned you. Just know that if you send me any rude comments or messages, I will 100% ignore you. I find that's the best way to deal with bullies. I work 14 hour days. Do you really think I want to waste my incredibly valuable free time dealing with derogatory comments? Hell no. This review will consist of my honest opinions. Opinions are never right or wrong. I'm not telling YOU how to think and feel. I'm telling you what I, quirky and socially awkward me, think and feel. So please, lets discuss with dignity and respect. If I'm critical about this show, it's only because I want it to get better. There is, in fact, a difference between hating a show and being critical of it. I do not hate Shadowhunters, I am being critical and analyzing the flaws as I would with any other show. There are positives but there are also negatives. It's great if you want to promote positivity with this show (and I encourage you to do so) but that doesn't mean I'm not going to point out the things that are legitimately wrong with it. Also, keep in mind that despite the fact that I do like the books, me being critical of this show has nothing to do with my fondness for the books. I don't really care if the show deviates from the source material as long as the changes are good, it makes sense, and it doesn't create plot holes within the confines of the world the show has created. My problems with this show are problems I would have with any show or book for that matter. I think it's perfectly reasonable to take issue with a show that has plot holes, shoddy world building, and inconsistent characters. There will be spoilers for the books and movie. 

This episode could actually have been very enjoyable if the show had bothered to take its time with previous character arcs. There were quite a few character moments that made me legitimately feel things in this episode. Not enough to cry or anything like that but if the show had bothered to learn that you don't have to cover two books a season and slow down in which case they would've had time to properly explore and flesh out some of these character dynamics, it would've resulted in me probably being moved to tears in this episode. But unfortunately, the show did not do that so what could've been very emotional moments just continues to fall flat. And I realize I just contradicted myself a little there so let me explain. I did feel things in this episode for the characters but the characters and their relationship dynamics have been so shakily developed that it was more me feeling for these characters as if they were their book counterparts. I'll delve more into this explanation as I go through this review. 

The Episode Where Shadowhunters Got All Teen Wolf On Us

You know, I'm not even mad that Shadowhunters pretty much stole an entire plot point from another supernatural teen drama. Shadowhunters does love its tropes even though when they do it, their version is somehow much more boring than the original plot point it was inspired from but that's beside the point. And honestly, if you're going to take a plot point from another supernatural teem drama, you can do a lot worse than Teen Wolf. Not to mention, the specific plot arc they used from Teen Wolf is one of my favorites with the plot highlighted by the amazing character relationships of the Sciles (Scott/Stiles) bromance and the slowest of slow burns, Stydia (Stiles/Lydia). Both were amazing character dynamics within the show that I greatly enjoyed. R.I.P. Teen Wolf. I still miss you.

Shadowhunters didn't do quite as well with this plot as Teen Wolf did simply because Shadowhunters does very little to actively develop their characters in general but nonetheless, I did quite enjoy this plot point, flaws and all. 

This segment was probably my favorite of the entire episode. Alec and Izzy going to help bring Jace's soul back to the surface was really interesting. The show has spent so much time on these character's love lives that a lot of times we forget that these three have spent most of their childhood together. That they do have real bonds with each other. From what we've been told, they were a moderately successful team before they met Clary and it was really great to see that dynamic again. In the book, it's actually Clary who's able to break through Jace's possession and it works there. But for the show, it's definitely something that makes more sense if Alec and Izzy were the ones to do it. Show Clace just doesn’t have the relationship foundation to make that plot point not cheesy. I suppose the show could still go back and make Clary be the one to do it and just like earlier this season, it'll still be cheesy and I'll still hate it. So I'm really hoping the show doesn't go for that. That it'll be Alec and Izzy that will motivate Jace to push past the possession. But at the same time, I’m not holding my breath for that one. This is Shadowhunters after all; I’m not sure it knows how to not be cheesy and cliché.

I really enjoyed how we got to see Alec, Izzy, and Jace sparring with each other as kids. The dialogue was cringey as hell but the actual idea behind the scene I really enjoyed. I liked the song that Izzy sang to Jace. I thought that it was a really nice touch and I certainly never expected the show to use that song. It's not in the context of how it was used in the books but I felt like it was very effectively used in this scene. And Emeraude's pronunciation of french wasn't half bad, either, so I'll give her that. I like how the first part of their journey starts with "Three go in, three come out." And the journey ends with the same "Three go in, three come out." If you haven't stuck with me through my Supernatural re-watch you wouldn't know this, but I'm a huge sap for episodic symmetry. I absolutely love it when that sort of thing happens. Shadowhunters needs to do more of that instead of having these one-off scenes that have no bearing for the rest of the episode and the rest of the season for that matter. And then the plot point ends with Alec and Izzy in total despair after Lillith gets Jace again when they promised it wouldn't happen. Which I also really enjoyed. Obviously, not the part where they're in deep emotional pain but, you know, plot symmetry. 

Of course, not everything with this plot was great. For starters, the insinuation that Alec's parabatai bond is the strongest connection there is has me a little iffy. The show's version of a parabatai bond's strength goes up and down. It has no consistency so I have a really hard time believing that one. Then Magnus also talks about how what he's doing is super dangerous and it could be the end for Alec and I'm just like, "As opposed to when?" Whenever Alec does stuff like this, he always ends up in the worst possible shape. Seriously, if we're to look at the parabatai bond through the eyes of the show, why would anyone ever want a parabatai? Other than to receive an abundance of tracking abilities, that is. I wish the show would stop focusing on the dramatic elements of parabatai-ness and start showing the positives of having a parabatai. Because at this point, I see none. 

I also wish we got an explanation just in general of how this process of going into Jace's mind works. It feels really convenient that for starters, Magnus has the ability to project Alec into Jace's mind using the parabatai bond and then he also has the ability to bring Izzy along for the ride as well. How? Who knows. I guess it's a spell that Magnus just happens to know even though it doesn't really make sense that Magnus would have any ability to influence runic magic. This sounds more like something a Silent Brother would be able to do as opposed to a warlock. Warlocks have power to manipulate demon magic. The runes stem from angelic magic. His magic shouldn't have any power over angelic magic. But I should stop this. The apocalypse will hit before this show ever explains its magic system or its world-building. And I'm talking fire and brim stone apocalypse not that whole Walking Dead/zombie apocalypse thing society is currently obsessed with. The zombie fad is dumb and I hate The Walking Dead with a blood searing passion.

And again, kind of an issue with the plot is how little we have to go on with Jace, Alec, and Izzy's relationship. This is what I meant when I felt emotional about scenes but it was more on the behalf of the book characters than the show characters. We haven't really been given a lot on the show about how Jace, Alec, and Izzy functioned together so it was easier for me to use the book counterparts as surrogates in this scene and that's what got me emotional. Thinking about how the book characters would react in this kind of situation is what illicited an emotional response with me. Whereas the show characters aren’t too terribly written, I don’t have much of a connection with any of them and we have this show’s dialogue and poorly executed plots to blame for that.

I'm also going to be nitpicky here. Why was Lillith having Jace stab Clary over and over in his head? In order to make sure Clary couldn't reach him anymore, Lillith had to take away his love for Clary with an anti-love potion. He supposedly doesn't love her anymore so why would him continuously stabbing Clary in his head be an effective means for torture? He doesn't love her so he shouldn't be affected by it. I feel like I’m missing something here.

Also, not sure why Asmodeus would care if LIllith killed Magnus. Why would he care about some half-human whelp that resides in one of many hundreds of dimensions out there? It makes sense why Lillith cares about Jonathon because her ability to have children was taken from her so she clings to Jonathon. However, Asmodeus is hardly in that same boat. He can have any number of children in the hundreds of dimensions he can visit. Why would he care about Magnus? I guess we'll see whenever he gets introduced. I’m honestly not excited for that.

Like with Lillith, anything Owl Jace had to say was super bland and uninteresting. And nothing he had to say was all that ground-breaking or hurtful. It's like insulting someone while you're tired. You're literally too tired to put any bite behind your insults. You're just insulting for the sake of insulting. It was super obvious that he was talking and no one really cared what he had to say. I certainly didn't. And I'm not entirely certain why Simon thought yelling at Owl Jace was somehow going to make Jace feel bad. Was he not told that Jace is being possessed? It was really weird and I didn't care about it. It was cheaply manufactured drama and that’s the worst kind. Owl Jace also made a comment about Alec being with Magnus but at the same time truly wanting to be with Jace instead and I'm just like, "Where the hell did this come from?" Alec being in love with Jace hasn't been talked about since Season 1. I didn't even realize this was still an issue within their character dynamics. The show definitely should've re-introduced this particular character dynamic before mentioning it in this episode. But they probably didn’t have any time what with the million and one side characters they have in this show.

Clary's Interrogation

This entire episode, we have Clary being interrogated by the Mortal Sword and in what it accomplishes, it works. But what it does with her character, I dislike. So initially last episode, I had this head canon that the reason Clary decided to stay behind unnecessarily was because she's dealing with a lot of guilt regarding the consequences that have arisen from her using the wish on Jace. This is her way of making amends for what's happened. I'm all for this character arc obviously because Clary never being held accountable for her actions is something I despise about this show's writing. I really want Clary to "grow-up" (even though she's 18 and she should already have been taught that decisions have consequences a long time ago) and learn that there are consequences. That just because you break the law for the right reasons doesn't absolve you of guilt. You do a bad thing for the right reasons? That doesn't make the bad thing a good thing. You should still be willing to hold yourself accountable for the bad things that happen as a result. In this way, Clary is very similar to her father. Valentine did a whole mess of terrible things and he attached a bunch of justifications to those bad things in order to make them good things in his eyes and refused to hold himself accountable for the lives he destroyed. Looking at it through this, can you really say Clary is much better despite all of her protests? If she goes unchecked, Clary is surprisingly a lot like her father. So I was really hoping that Clary was having a bit of an epiphany and I was super excited to see this play out. 

But no. Apparently, the only reason she's doing this is to buy time for everyone else. And this makes absolutely no sense. When the Clave apprehended her, they didn't know who dug up the grave. They literally only know the story BECAUSE she stayed behind. Because they had someone to use the Mortal Sword on to tell them who dug up the grave. If she had went with everyone else, the Clave still wouldn't have had any idea what's going on. My head canon makes sense but what the show did instead makes absolutely no sense. It just makes our heroine look dumb and not in a "this makes sense for her character" dumb because I respect that sometimes characters make dumb decisions based on their character arcs. This is just dumb story-telling that wasn't properly thought out at its conception and no one bothered to tweek it. Seriously, who edits these scripts? Does no one in the Shadowhunters writing room care that their show makes no sense? That their characters are dumb simply because the plot demands them to be but yet they still expect the audience to view the characters as these legitimate, hyper-intelligent adults? Shouldn't you as a writer care about something like that? Why do the writers have zero respect for their audience's intelligence? Because I've got to believe that these writers realize how dumb their characters are and they're just hoping the audience will go with it. And the truly depressing part is that I wish I could say that this is only a problem Shadowhunters has. But I've seen other Freeform shows and they also display the same level of lazy writing. If Freeform wants to get on the level with CW, it's not going to be enough for them to be more "edgy" (and they’re barely edgy as it is), they also need to work out the kinks in their story-telling. That's where their real problem lies.

And Clary, for whatever reason, can resist the Mortal Sword which, eww. Mary Sue attacks again. I get that this episode was attempting to exposit information to the Clave so our characters are on a time crunch. But it was completely unnecessary for Clary to have this ability to be able to resist the sword and just further pushes her into the Mary Sue archetype. At this point, we get it. Clary is strong and amazing. The show's really laying this theme on thick. You would have to have an IQ of -900 not to have picked up on that Clary is supposed to be strong. Seriously, what does this show have against allowing Clary to be vulnerable? Even in her emotional moments, she lacks vulnerability. Because even when she cries, she's still perceived as better than everyone else because she has the audacity to show how she's feeling. That her feelings is what makes her better than everyone else. Clary eventually, in probably her biggest Mary Sue moment ever, is able to push the sword away from her and tells the Clave she's happy she used the wish. Because it stops anyone else from being able to use it to destroy the downworlders. And I can't help but feel she's making a lot of assumptions about the Clave here. That if they were to ever use the wish, she believes that they'll use it to rid everyone of demon blood. The only one who's guilty of that is Valentine. She has no idea if the Clave made a wish, it would include downworlders. It might but it might not. It's all in how you word the wish. 

But at the end of the episode, Jia Penhallow (Aline's mother) asks Clary if she has any final words before she places punishment and Clary asks Jia to think if it were Aline, and Jia was in the same situation, wouldn't she have done it for Aline? And Jia just verbally bitch smacks Clary by stating no, she wouldn't have. Because she understands that there's things in this world bigger than her and her daughter. That being a shadowhunter is about sacrifice. I'm not too fond of the overarching theme that shadowhunters aren't allowed to feel which seems to be what's driving this scene (honestly that particular theme can curl up and die in Season 1) but I do like the idea that despite Jia loving her daughter, she would let her daughter go if she had to weigh her daughter against the fate of the entire world. And Clary has always kind of scoffed at the idea of shadowhunters "being dead inside" as she so blatantly stated once in Season 1. She views it as a flaw within their society and in certain aspects, it is a flaw. Love can make you stronger and them shutting emotion out completely is a bad thing that I hate that the show decided to implement but when it comes to doing what's right and helping the most amount of people which is what shadowhunters exist for, you have to accept that sometimes sacrifices are necessary. And shadowhunters live a life where dying young is something that's expected and they come to terms with it at a very young age. They respect that in order to save the world, they may have to give everything up. That's the cost for the power they received. So in that respect, I do like what Jia is saying here and it's definitely something Clary needs to hear. Hopefully, this will spur some much necessary character development Clary’s way.

Then Jia sentences Clary to death and of course the show chooses the most dramatic punishment possible. Honestly, I feel like death is the wrong punishment to give here. It's kind of giving Clary the easy way out (not that I believe for a second that Clary is actually going to die) but if it were me, I would want Clary to survive to watch the repercussions of her actions. For her to see the world be seeped into hopeless despair. That's the kind of punishment I would give Clary. For her to see just how much her actions could have destroyed the world. But like I said, this whole death sentence scene is completely moot because we all know she's gong to escape. 

I know this section turned into a bit of a rant but to be clear, I do appreciate what this plot accomplishes i.e. the Clave finding out about Jace and Clary being put in a tight situation however I do not appreciate what it does for Clary as a character. I was hoping for some character growth but it doesn't look like we're going to get it. 

Simon/Maia/Jordan Love Triangle in Full Swing

Now that I've finished with my rant lets get on to another thing I liked. I really enjoyed how the Simon/Maia/Jordan love triangle played out. It was awkward when it needed to be, it was dramatic when it needed to be. Really the only thing I wish the show had done more of was develop Simon and Jordan's bromance a little more. Because it really feels like they've known each other for at most a week. If we take the Maia drama out of the mix, it feels a little contrived that Simon feels this betrayed over a guy he barely knows. Also, I’m sad that it looks like the Jace/Jordan/Simon bromance isn't actually going to play out. Damn you, writers. You had a chance to actually make your show fun and interesting and you blew it because you insist on covering two books a season when it isn't necessary. Just slow down and have fun with the characters. Why are the writers in such a rush to get through the books? They don't have the rights to The Dark Artifices/Shadowhunter Academy/Bane Chronicles. They only have The Infernal Devices and I find it highly unlikely Freeform is willing to produce a period drama. And if the show's attempt at original characters is anything to go by, I really don't have a lot of faith that they can pull off their own original story arcs. At least not in the interesting way Vampre Diaries and The 100 manage. 

I really liked how Maia's drama with Jordan unfolded. It's true. It would be so much easier for Maia to hate Jordan if he was still the same person that left her bleeding out in the woods. But he isn't and she's having a lot of problems dealing with this. And I do enjoy seeing this sort of complexity with these characters. It's not something this show is very good with. So when it does happen, it's always a real treat. Hopefully, the show won’t drop the ball on this.

Time To Talk About Lillith

It's that time again. I guess I have to summon up a section to talk about Lillith, the blandest of the bland. Her blandness even rivals Show Valentine's. Also it would be nice if Lillith would stop sucking as a villain. She keeps on failing in her plans and it’s really difficult for me to take her seriously. She's basically the Rita Repulsa of Shadowhunters.

So first off, what is going on with Ollie? Is she possessed or is her blood tainted? I really can't tell. If she was possessed, why would she be surprised by the power Lillith has? But I suppose the real question is when will Ollie die already? Seriously, just have her fall off a building or something at this point. I don't care. Just get rid of her. She's a boring character and stop wasting screen time on her and give that screen time to characters I actually care about. I don't even care that she's an LGBT character. She does nothing I care about. And honestly, I really hate it when LGBT characters are put into a book or show just to make a statement about how progressive they are. I love having LGBT characters but I only want them to be in the story if they contribute to the narrative. If they have little to no place within the story, I want them gone. All I care about is them as characters. If you're not going to do anything with them, then what's the point? And I feel the same way in regards to hetero characters. If you don't add anything to the story, I want you gone.

Let's talk about this business with the seelie queen. So Lillith attackes the seelie queen's knights because she wants the seelie queen to take the mark off Simon. And I actually like the idea that the seelie queen's reasoning for marking Simon was to protect him because the seelies believe in protecting those who are unique. It makes sense. They're immortal so they need unique creatures to pass the time. But I really don't like how weak the seelie queen was protrayed here. I don't think it's in character for her at all. Even if she's beaten, she's still 5 steps ahead of everyone. She's immortal, basically ageless, she knows she'll get her revenge. She's patient. I couldn't get behind this moment because it didn't feel like the seelie queen. It just felt very convenient and didn't align at all with the character we’ve seen previously.

And the episode ends with Lillith escaping with Jace. Nice to know my prediction this weekend was corrcet. Owl Jace did escape and it was for dumb and contrived reasons. I'm very disappointed in you, show. Quit being so predictable.

Overall, even though it felt like I ranted about a few things, I did enjoy this episode in a way I haven't enjoyed the show in a while. It wasn't good, it wasn't bad, but I could tolerate it. It had some nice character moments which I lived for and bits of the plot weren't half bad. Truthfully, if the show spent a little more time building up their character dynamics, this episode might've been able to move me to tears. I'd probably give this episode a B- to B. Like an 84%. Not bad at all. Next week is the two hour finale so those episodes better be good. I can barely focus on this show for 42 minutes. These episodes better be something special to warrant airing the episodes 9 and 10 back to back.

As always, I'm open to discuss this episode with anyone. Did you agree? Did you disagree? Just remember these are my thoughts and opinions. I'm not telling you how to think and feel. I'm telling you what I think and feel. I don't police anyone on fandom so I expect that you don't police me and we'll get along fine.

[gendermesenpai-blog]

7:38am

welp

I’m actually doing pretty ok right now. I cut back on weed again. I’m not buying flower for a while. I’m probably going to work on getting some wax at some point but I’m doing ok right now. Uber has really been helping in terms of just having enough to eat a little bit everyday. I do wish I was eating more but c’est la vie. I just did some math and figured out how much money I will make before I leave for Europe. It’s just under $8000. Rent will be around $2000 in that time. Food expenses around $750. Wax could be as much as $1000 in that time. But at the end of the day I should be able to put away around $4000 if I am very dilligent about my spending. Obviously this doesn’t take into account various messwork related expenses which are difficult to predict - I could say that one gatorskin per month would leave me with about $300 less. But that’s not really worth considering since it will probably be much more than that, because tires are not the only expense in messwork. I am still planning on buying some more bike parts and that might run me up to $300 just on seatpost, stem and bars. Maybe a new fork since this Bontrager carbon fork is making me a little nervous lately from flexing. I do put a lot of hurt on my bike. It’s within reason that a cheap carbon fork (retail around $100) might weaken and snap from the constant daily pressure I’ve been putting on it. It was super stiff when I got it though since whoever rode this bike before me was probably just commuting ~1mi. And here I am putting in average of 30mi/day on it. It’s also all scratched up, might be worth upgrading just for the steez.

I’m feeling pretty good about my transition despite the fact I am 5 months in and still not as femme as I would like. It’s slow going, but progress is certainly being made. Thinking back on when my lil titty bumps started coming in and how it suddenly felt like there was this golfball sized lump in there. And now it’s advanced to, like.... half a apple? Like a small apple cut in half. So surreal! My face still looks kinda the same in the mirror, like it’s just kinda stuck in this halfway zone between masc and femme. My waist is tightening, I’m starting to get more of the buckled hourglass shape around my abdomen. And I sense some growth in my butt. Not sure how much. Difficult to measure that since I can’t easily see it and also because I’m not really measuring anything in this whole process. Emotionally I actually feel better on average since I’ve started cutting down on weed. I was so worried that if I sobered up I would start regretting stuff but no actually I just feel normal and good. When I looked in the mirror this morning I was like ooooh Hi. lol. I’m making enough progress that I think I can feel proud now of how far I’ve come.

Haven’t really been making much music. Just a couple beats here and there, a few bars if I think of something I like. This is something I think the weed was helping with for sure - I wrote literally every song on the LTC EP while I was high out of my mind, and drunk too in some cases. I am still so embarassed about the show I did. That kinda put the brakes on my creative output because I am too self conscious about it now. But I sense that it’s fading and I will probably end up back where I was at some point once I get over the hump from that setback.

When the muscle loss initially started I felt like the muscles were the same size, they just didn’t work the same anymore, didn’t recover as quickly etc. Now, the muscles are visibly and noticeably smaller. I had a pair of men’s pants that I bought when I went out to dinner with my brother in January, just before I started hormones. I remember those jeans being so tight on my quads that it was actually uncomfortable to wear them at all, let alone ride my bike in them with my muscles actually flexing. The other day I wore them out for a couple Uber runs and I noticed how loose they were on my quads. So weird because in the 5 months since I started hormones, I have only increased my output. I went from only working 3-4 days a week for Epic, some days doing as little as 15 miles, laying around being a poop the rest of the time, to now doing on average a minimum of 25-30 miles a day, everyday, including weekends, and sometimes as much as 40-50. So while my muscles appear to be shrinking and becoming weaker, I am actually somehow, paradoxically, becoming stronger. Yesterday my Strava said I got PRs on two segments that are actually kinda tough, one is a long section of flats downtown where the wind is almost always murder. It was brutal yesterday, and I remember crawling along, huffing and puffing and feeling sorry for myself about how weak I am now or whatever, and when I exited the section I remember being like, jesus, how is nobody noticing how slow I am these days? I can’t even ride with the other messengers anymore, blah blah. And then I check my Strava and it’s like, oh, no, actually you got a PR there. That was the fastest you’ve ever done that segment, by a good few seconds too. So, it’s like, I am still fast as shit, actually faster than before, but somehow it just feels like I’m not. It feels like I have to work super hard to get anywhere, and I’m always heaving and panting every time I arrive to my destination. But I get there fast as fuck and that’s what really matters as a messenger. So I guess I don’t have much to worry about there. My spiro dose went up to 100mg/day this month from 50 and there was initially what felt like a big drop off in terms of muscle function. But it’s really all good. I just worry too much I guess. But things are going well! It feels like I’m approaching the halfway mark in my transformation into an anime girl. Probably not really the case, it’s been slow going all along so I should expect the halfway point to be 1 year, and complete-ish around 2 years. But instead I’m like, nooo, I’ll be transformed by 1 year, the journey will be over! Unrealistic. But exciting.

I don’t even know what else to say about it. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m more functional than I’ve ever been. I have actual plans and goals. I’m living in a really nice house. I have a decent enough job. It’s just so weird when I actively think about how all this is working out. Considering 2-3 years ago I had no fucking idea I was trans. I was just barely working out that there was something going on with my gender shit but I had no idea I was fully gril. And now I’m like, um, excuse me sweetie *sashay away*

The other night I talked to C on Skype and at one point I kind of randomly started using my voice and talking about how I should practice more and it sounds bad because I don’t practice. And I was like halfway through the second sentence when she realized what I was doing and her eyes went all wide and she squealed. And her being excited made me excited haha and now I want to practice it more. It’s tough though, it’s a tough thing. I want to work on it but it can feel a bit silly at times, like I’m performing somehow. It will take some time to get away from that feeling so that I can appreciate the truth which is that the boy voice was the real performance all along. My natural speaking voice is, and it’s hard to admit this I guess, but it has what some people would refer to as a gay affectation to it. And I’ve always just sort of hidden it away. No one has ever really heard me speak naturally. I have always been acting. Since I begun my transition, I’ve been letting more of it out in daily speech. Little bit of vocal fry here and there, little bit of valley girl twang. No one seems to really notice or care. 

It rained all week last week and I felt like shit for days. Today it’s supposed to rain again and I’m like ugh. Enough with the sky water please. But in any case I feel pretty good. Oh, I’ve started up a new character on Skyrim! Trying out Skyrim Special Edition. They ported the game to 64 bit so it runs way better now than the original PC version did. I waited like a whole year since this new version came out so that the modders could move everything over. It’s pretty fun actually. So often I find myself unable to enjoy a game because it feels pointless. But in this case I am kind of just using it as a distraction from my other addiction issues. And it’s working well. I’ve been watching all these lore videos on youtube and it’s got me excited about TES universe and finding various secrets and things that I never knew about before. I’ve probably put like a thousand hours or more into Skyrim over the years and there is somehow still stuff in the game that I haven’t seen. Literally within like an hour of starting the new game I discovered a dungeon I had never seen before with a unique item reward I didn’t even know existed. My character is a femme Breton mage who I named Simone after Simone de Beauvoir. Mostly pure mage but some archery and stealth as well. Usually when I roll mages I end up spec’ing Battlemage or Spellsword but this time I want to try to do full mage with no armor or hand to hand weapons at all. In all this time I’ve spent in Skyrim I never bothered to have my mage characters learn armor spells or wards. There is a new mod that adds a bunch of new lore-friendly spells including proximity runes that you can set as traps, I haven’t even tried them yet and I’m already excited about how that will change my play style. I’ve been playing from the time I get home til around midnight for the last 2 nights. Helps keep my mind off drinking and smoking and keeps me away from the roommates so I don’t do or say anything stupid that could affect their perception of me. Cus that’s a whole thing I have to worry about yayyy. The other night I was drinking with N and somehow she got me like confessing about how I smoke so much because of my social anxiety and shit and she was like “really???? oh that’s so interesting” smh and I think she really meant that, what a weirdo. I almost came out to her right there haha. Like, oh you think that’s something? Wait til you hear what I’ve done to my endocrine system...

Ok gotta shave and stuff and get ready to go. *sashayyyyy away*

EDIT: Oh shit, bossman just texted me and said to stay home! FUCK YES SKYRIM ALL DAY OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG