gendermesenpai-blog

[gendermesenpai-blog]

7:38am

welp

I’m actually doing pretty ok right now. I cut back on weed again. I’m not buying flower for a while. I’m probably going to work on getting some wax at some point but I’m doing ok right now. Uber has really been helping in terms of just having enough to eat a little bit everyday. I do wish I was eating more but c’est la vie. I just did some math and figured out how much money I will make before I leave for Europe. It’s just under $8000. Rent will be around $2000 in that time. Food expenses around $750. Wax could be as much as $1000 in that time. But at the end of the day I should be able to put away around $4000 if I am very dilligent about my spending. Obviously this doesn’t take into account various messwork related expenses which are difficult to predict - I could say that one gatorskin per month would leave me with about $300 less. But that’s not really worth considering since it will probably be much more than that, because tires are not the only expense in messwork. I am still planning on buying some more bike parts and that might run me up to $300 just on seatpost, stem and bars. Maybe a new fork since this Bontrager carbon fork is making me a little nervous lately from flexing. I do put a lot of hurt on my bike. It’s within reason that a cheap carbon fork (retail around $100) might weaken and snap from the constant daily pressure I’ve been putting on it. It was super stiff when I got it though since whoever rode this bike before me was probably just commuting ~1mi. And here I am putting in average of 30mi/day on it. It’s also all scratched up, might be worth upgrading just for the steez.

I’m feeling pretty good about my transition despite the fact I am 5 months in and still not as femme as I would like. It’s slow going, but progress is certainly being made. Thinking back on when my lil titty bumps started coming in and how it suddenly felt like there was this golfball sized lump in there. And now it’s advanced to, like.... half a apple? Like a small apple cut in half. So surreal! My face still looks kinda the same in the mirror, like it’s just kinda stuck in this halfway zone between masc and femme. My waist is tightening, I’m starting to get more of the buckled hourglass shape around my abdomen. And I sense some growth in my butt. Not sure how much. Difficult to measure that since I can’t easily see it and also because I’m not really measuring anything in this whole process. Emotionally I actually feel better on average since I’ve started cutting down on weed. I was so worried that if I sobered up I would start regretting stuff but no actually I just feel normal and good. When I looked in the mirror this morning I was like ooooh Hi. lol. I’m making enough progress that I think I can feel proud now of how far I’ve come.

Haven’t really been making much music. Just a couple beats here and there, a few bars if I think of something I like. This is something I think the weed was helping with for sure - I wrote literally every song on the LTC EP while I was high out of my mind, and drunk too in some cases. I am still so embarassed about the show I did. That kinda put the brakes on my creative output because I am too self conscious about it now. But I sense that it’s fading and I will probably end up back where I was at some point once I get over the hump from that setback.

When the muscle loss initially started I felt like the muscles were the same size, they just didn’t work the same anymore, didn’t recover as quickly etc. Now, the muscles are visibly and noticeably smaller. I had a pair of men’s pants that I bought when I went out to dinner with my brother in January, just before I started hormones. I remember those jeans being so tight on my quads that it was actually uncomfortable to wear them at all, let alone ride my bike in them with my muscles actually flexing. The other day I wore them out for a couple Uber runs and I noticed how loose they were on my quads. So weird because in the 5 months since I started hormones, I have only increased my output. I went from only working 3-4 days a week for Epic, some days doing as little as 15 miles, laying around being a poop the rest of the time, to now doing on average a minimum of 25-30 miles a day, everyday, including weekends, and sometimes as much as 40-50. So while my muscles appear to be shrinking and becoming weaker, I am actually somehow, paradoxically, becoming stronger. Yesterday my Strava said I got PRs on two segments that are actually kinda tough, one is a long section of flats downtown where the wind is almost always murder. It was brutal yesterday, and I remember crawling along, huffing and puffing and feeling sorry for myself about how weak I am now or whatever, and when I exited the section I remember being like, jesus, how is nobody noticing how slow I am these days? I can’t even ride with the other messengers anymore, blah blah. And then I check my Strava and it’s like, oh, no, actually you got a PR there. That was the fastest you’ve ever done that segment, by a good few seconds too. So, it’s like, I am still fast as shit, actually faster than before, but somehow it just feels like I’m not. It feels like I have to work super hard to get anywhere, and I’m always heaving and panting every time I arrive to my destination. But I get there fast as fuck and that’s what really matters as a messenger. So I guess I don’t have much to worry about there. My spiro dose went up to 100mg/day this month from 50 and there was initially what felt like a big drop off in terms of muscle function. But it’s really all good. I just worry too much I guess. But things are going well! It feels like I’m approaching the halfway mark in my transformation into an anime girl. Probably not really the case, it’s been slow going all along so I should expect the halfway point to be 1 year, and complete-ish around 2 years. But instead I’m like, nooo, I’ll be transformed by 1 year, the journey will be over! Unrealistic. But exciting.

I don’t even know what else to say about it. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m more functional than I’ve ever been. I have actual plans and goals. I’m living in a really nice house. I have a decent enough job. It’s just so weird when I actively think about how all this is working out. Considering 2-3 years ago I had no fucking idea I was trans. I was just barely working out that there was something going on with my gender shit but I had no idea I was fully gril. And now I’m like, um, excuse me sweetie *sashay away*

The other night I talked to C on Skype and at one point I kind of randomly started using my voice and talking about how I should practice more and it sounds bad because I don’t practice. And I was like halfway through the second sentence when she realized what I was doing and her eyes went all wide and she squealed. And her being excited made me excited haha and now I want to practice it more. It’s tough though, it’s a tough thing. I want to work on it but it can feel a bit silly at times, like I’m performing somehow. It will take some time to get away from that feeling so that I can appreciate the truth which is that the boy voice was the real performance all along. My natural speaking voice is, and it’s hard to admit this I guess, but it has what some people would refer to as a gay affectation to it. And I’ve always just sort of hidden it away. No one has ever really heard me speak naturally. I have always been acting. Since I begun my transition, I’ve been letting more of it out in daily speech. Little bit of vocal fry here and there, little bit of valley girl twang. No one seems to really notice or care. 

It rained all week last week and I felt like shit for days. Today it’s supposed to rain again and I’m like ugh. Enough with the sky water please. But in any case I feel pretty good. Oh, I’ve started up a new character on Skyrim! Trying out Skyrim Special Edition. They ported the game to 64 bit so it runs way better now than the original PC version did. I waited like a whole year since this new version came out so that the modders could move everything over. It’s pretty fun actually. So often I find myself unable to enjoy a game because it feels pointless. But in this case I am kind of just using it as a distraction from my other addiction issues. And it’s working well. I’ve been watching all these lore videos on youtube and it’s got me excited about TES universe and finding various secrets and things that I never knew about before. I’ve probably put like a thousand hours or more into Skyrim over the years and there is somehow still stuff in the game that I haven’t seen. Literally within like an hour of starting the new game I discovered a dungeon I had never seen before with a unique item reward I didn’t even know existed. My character is a femme Breton mage who I named Simone after Simone de Beauvoir. Mostly pure mage but some archery and stealth as well. Usually when I roll mages I end up spec’ing Battlemage or Spellsword but this time I want to try to do full mage with no armor or hand to hand weapons at all. In all this time I’ve spent in Skyrim I never bothered to have my mage characters learn armor spells or wards. There is a new mod that adds a bunch of new lore-friendly spells including proximity runes that you can set as traps, I haven’t even tried them yet and I’m already excited about how that will change my play style. I’ve been playing from the time I get home til around midnight for the last 2 nights. Helps keep my mind off drinking and smoking and keeps me away from the roommates so I don’t do or say anything stupid that could affect their perception of me. Cus that’s a whole thing I have to worry about yayyy. The other night I was drinking with N and somehow she got me like confessing about how I smoke so much because of my social anxiety and shit and she was like “really???? oh that’s so interesting” smh and I think she really meant that, what a weirdo. I almost came out to her right there haha. Like, oh you think that’s something? Wait til you hear what I’ve done to my endocrine system...

Ok gotta shave and stuff and get ready to go. *sashayyyyy away*

EDIT: Oh shit, bossman just texted me and said to stay home! FUCK YES SKYRIM ALL DAY OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

[gendermesenpai-blog]

8:48am

Sunday. They are still trying to rope me into doing more zipcodes. We have a list now from the client of all the properties we missed during previous rounds. They are all over the city. Apparently if I do as many as I can I will make $100 today. I see a route on the map I think I might be able to handle but only if I move on it right now. The later it gets in the day the harder it will be because there will be more people out on the street. I honestly don’t want to do it! Why am I even thinking about this? Fuck. I wish I could just take some backup with me. No chance I’ll be able to get anyone to agree to do this bullshit with me unless they get paid too though. 

I should just tell them the truth which is that looking at the map gives me massive anxiety.

I’m listening to Man on the Moon right now. I haven’t sat down and listened to Cudi in a long time. He used to be my favorite artist and I still have emotional connections with lots of these songs. So surreal hearing them again for the first time in years. Some of these beats are straight up making me cry.

Simple As just came on, fuck I remember this one really well! He was so good at capturing those nostalgic and melancholy vibes. This album came out the same year I stopped going to school, 2009. Honestly, if I had a working Boombotix speaker I would probably go out and do this last round of house pictures while bumping Cudi the entire time. 

“As our hero seems to be dreaming in peace, a dark chapter unfolds throwing Scott into the most eerie and unstable part of his imagination, so intense he cannot tell his dreams from reality.”

Solo Dolo! Fuck this album is good as shit. I need to make something this good.

I just checked the weather. It will be raining soon. Maybe today is not such a bad day to do photos then. Still I am not looking forward to it. I’ll see how I feel after a shower maybe.

[gendermesenpai-blog]

9:01am

Saturday. I bailed on doing more zipcodes today. I decided I am uncomfortable with it and told my boss I wouldn’t do it. It’s fine, he doesn’t really care I think. I just hate turning down a shift. But it was bad enough on a weekday, it would be insane to go out there on a 90 degree Saturday like today and do that shit while everyone is out running around. I don’t want to get chased again.

Just dosed, currently dissolving. So many more pills now! And the spiro going from 50 to 100mg was definitely noticeable. Slightly more nausea, muscles feel weaker again. I’m glad though honestly. I was worried my body had like adjusted to the previous doses in a way where I wasn’t getting any more progress. Now I can feel the progress intensifying again. I pretty much only see myself as a girl now. I am stll acting male in social situations or whatever, but like, when I look down I see a girl’s legs, a girl’s arms. I can feel my breasts. My waist is beginning to buckle into an hourglass shape. My pelvis is rotating, my posture is different. I am allowing myself to be more feminine in my body language to some extent. As long as I don’t change my voice I feel like I could keep this illusion up forever and no one would notice. I even mentioned to one of our most reactionary coworkers how I felt about our driver using the tranny slur in the office the other day and he didn’t even realize I was saying it offended me because I’m trans. He literally just didn’t get it. Haha. The idea that I might be anything other than a cis dude bike messenger probably seems so foreign to these guys. It would never even occur to them that something else might be going on. I feel like at this point, they want to ask about the arms and legs being shaved, meticulously every single day, but nobody asks. And I’m fine with that.

I have been waiting for my desktop tower to finish updating its linux kernel files since like 7pm last night. Me and the other producer roommate I live with chilled in the basement and collabed on a couple things. We were pretty much trading random tricks we had learned in our journeys as Ableton producers. He showed me how to automate an arpeggiator to create drum roll effects without needing to place each hi hat or snare individually. I showed him how to use the Glue plugin to sidechain a kick to an 808 sub bass so that the waveforms don’t overlap and clip the master audio.

So, payday was yesterday. I paid off my drug dealers, I paid $150 down on my Paypal credit balance. Bought a fresh pair of Sidis for $95. No buckles though, I have to buy new buckles for them. What else. Bought new boombotix. Fresh Gatorskin Hardshell for my rear wheel since I blew out the last one yesterday. Lasted more than a month though which is really good considering how I skid more than I actually pedal lol.

Had a bunch of bullshit happen between me and our dispatcher yesterday. I was effectively just dispatching myself at one point, I straight up told her how it was gonna be. Got accused of “going rogue.” Whatever. I’m an amazing messenger, I don’t care what bullshit goes on between me as a courier and dispatch. I get the work done, that’s what matters.

I went out to the nearest liquor store to my new house last night, probably around 9 or 10. On my way out, a black woman who was with several male friends said to me, “what the fuck are you even doing around here? Without checking in? I thought I was in {insert white neighborhood here.}”. I just rolled off on my bike, didn’t say a word. Made me feel pretty shitty though. Got  me wondering, like, are we the only white people on this block? Idk. I’m not going to be here that long, maybe I’ll just lay low and avoid the nearby stores if I can help it.

Ummmm, what else. Therapist appointment at noon. So I need to go shower and start getting ready actually. I wish I had already bought razors, I keep forgetting to buy razors. So I have to use my electric one which is getting pretty fucked up from daily use now. Anyway I’ll probably do some Uber while I’m downtown, come back up, cop some weed off my roommate. Should be a good Saturday once all that’s over with. Then hopefully my desktop tower finishes its update process at some point today and I’m able to get it booting again. I feel stupid for using linux at this point honestly. Like, what am I out to prove? It’s been years, my system breaks to the point I need at least a whole day to fix it, maybe once a month? That’s stupid. I should just install windows like a normal person.

I guess that’s all for now. Gonna smoke some resin and go shower. <3

[gendermesenpai-blog]

8:50 pm

Okay, Firefox just fucking crashed and I lost like 3000 words that I just wrote. Fuck I am angry now. I was already having a shitty day and I am angry now.

I am going to angrily try to write what I remember from the post I was working on just now. Holy fuck this is frustrating and it makes me want to just go to bed and not even post anything. This shit is too much effort fuck

OK.

First of all, my medication costs almost nothing now. My prescription doubled this month and I am paying $2. Turns out there is actually pretty decent public healthcare here in this state.

This morning started normal enough, it was my first day on the new doseages and I am using an app now called Medisafe to track my schedule. This is because I was already missing doses before and now I have 3 a day. I went to work and they told us we were going to be doing more zipcodes. These are jobs we have been doing recently involving photographing properties where the owner owes money to the city. Our clients are interested in purchasing this debt. I don’t like it. It’s unethical, it makes me feel unsafe. I am a trans woman, I should not be running around in random neighborhoods putting a target on my back doing these zipcode jobs. And yet I am the one who has to map everything because no one else in the company knows how to use the internet and shit. I have done hundreds of these houses, they keep telling me to do it because I’m good at it. It feels like being punished. Oh, good job with these pictures, here’s a bunch more. I am getting into altercations with people, with drivers. I got chased off one block by a car today. I only got away because I can bunny hop speed bumps, he would have destroyed his car trying to follow me at that speed.

Anyway, I don’t like it. I had to change a flat out there today. I went to a church and changed it on the steps. I felt like that was the best I could do for my safety. I explained how I felt about this better in the post that Firefox crashed and destroyed. But anyway it sucks. At least there was another courier from my company doing a nearby section of houses and we rode out there together, met back up and smoked etc. Rode back together. I like him, he’s cool. Maybe I have a little crush or whatever. Nothing can be done. He’s not queer at all and I’ll probably never pass to any of these people because they know me too well in the male persona. Maybe I’ll look back at that and laugh one day when I have less beard shadow.

Anyway, rode back, they had pizza for us. I ate a lot. I could’ve eaten more. Haven’t been eating much lately because of money problems. I’ve gotten called in my last 2 off days. The last 2 Tuesdays. So no Uber except when I can sneak in a run or two, or after my regular shift when I’m already beat, or on weekends. Uber sucks anyway, I keep handing people bags of spilled shit. There is nothing special or weird about my bag. I have to imagine this is just what happens to every courier who uses a backpack to transport food. Things spill occasionally. Sometimes it’s like every fucking day though. I had to clean so much Tika Masala sauce out of my bag the other day. I’m about to just start carrying all food bags in my hand. I can control my speed with one hand on the bars now, either bar, no braking whatsoever except my legs. I can control my speed to a limited extent with no hands. Just noticed that one recently, it was something I suddenly learned, having gained awareness of by doing it.

OK but anyway, so I’m already pissed off from the zipcode shit, and they send me out to a drop near my house, so I hit my house, smoke, then cut down to the coffee place to take some coffee to go downtown. A week ago or a couple weeks ago or something, one of our drivers got into an altercation with a woman who works at this coffee place and happens to be a trans person of color. Apparently, something he said set her off and she shut down the shop, saying something about “fuck white people.” I think this is awesome. Everyone at my company thinks it is ridiculous and keep talking about her in a demeaning way. So I have already heard this story multiple times, and every time it’s told, even by our female dispatcher, it is always “trans woman.” They say it every single time, never just woman, never woman of color. Always “this trans woman at the coffee place.” But anyway, I hadn’t heard the driver himself talking about until today, and he managed to piss me off so quick, holy shit. He was basically asking who did the coffee run today, does *SHE* still work there, and he said she super sarcastically or like in an intentionally derogatory or insincere way. Of course, I did the coffee run, but I have no interest in talking about the fact that I saw the woman there, waved, and she didn’t acknowledge me, because that would just support their narrative about this crazy *trans* woman who hates white people and has it out for our tiny random delivery company. Also, right before he walked in and started talking about this, we had been trying to smoke a blunt outside and our two main office people, the guy who started the company and his weird pseudo girlfriend who lives above the office and is basically our main dispatcher, the two of them, started yelling about how we can’t smoke weed because the people across the street said something blah blah I don’t know, it’s fucking infantile, so I walked away to smoke around the corner and she followed us to like, scold us and say no we can’t smoke there either, only in the back yard or blah blah and I’m going like, wow, really, you’re my fucking mom and you’re going to tell me what to do now? We were going behind our work van, no one could’ve seen us. I should’ve told her to fuck off, she was being paranoid and we weren’t doing anything wrong. But anyway, so I was on edge from that and already thinking about leaving, and this guy starts talking about this trans woman this and trans woman that and emphaszing *SHE* and *HER* everytime he said it, and then I hear him go “yeah shes a tranny” and I’m just like oh wow ok. This is the reality of my life. I work at a company where people get to use slurs against me in my own office, and I can’t say anything because no one knows I am trans. So i nudged the only guy there who knows, and I was like, do you hear this? And he hadn’t been paying attention. And then I left. It was starting to rain so I just went to 7/11 and bought a burrito and took 5 bucks cash back out to pay my roommate for bud. And I’ve just been here since then, kind of hating myself and my life. Even though I live in this great rowhome, my medication costs $2 a month, I get high all the time and ride bikes for money, yadad ada.

Also, and this is almost certainly related, my self esteem is directly inversly proportional to the visibility of my beard shadow. No shadow, high esteem. Big shadow, low esteem. And I haven’t shaved in like 2 days or something. I just didn’t have time this morning. I hate it I hate it I hate it why can’t I burn it all off I hate it fucking dysphoria fucking fucking fucking shit

I get paid tomorrow. I am expecting maybe $700. I will have to pay one of my drug dealers $70, another $110. Then I have to pay at least $150 on my Paypal Credit. I owed them $400 in March and now it’s up to like $550 from fees. So $150 to put it back where it was. Then I need a new Boombotix because the charging port fell into the casing of my last one. Considering just jumping into the minirigs but $115 is a lot for a speaker during a month like this when the Boombotix is only $20. Then I need to buy razors, new shorts, maybe new Sidis if I can find them for less than $100. Some new furniture for my room, a dresser at least. And a chair. Time Atac pedals so I can stop popping out during skids. A fresh gatorskin since mine is very badly worn out. From skidding.

On the upside, I am getting really good at skids now. Probably doesn’t justify $60/mo on tires, but yeah.My desktop and laptop are both pretty fucked up right now, might need to look into some possibilities there.

I’m straight up alternating eating peanut butter and drinking water right now. Now I’m laying down. I have to stay up until like 11pm to take my 3rd dose. 8am, 3:30pm, 11pm. It’s 9:30 now.I still haven’t watched the show footage. I feel very cringy about that. It is over and done with, I should just watch the footage and laugh and move on. But I haven’t watched any of it. The dude still hasn’t sent me everything he has, but I haven’t even watched the 2 videos he did send.

I feel disgusting

dysphoria fuck u

laser hair removal is far too expensive

shaving is too tedious

waxing seems terrifying in a way I can’t rationally explain

how do I just

ugh

thank u for reading my poem

[gendermesenpai-blog]

3:18pm

I just listened to 59 minutes and 51 seconds of the Kanye/Charlamagne interview while I was going through my key database and updating my contact information across my various accounts to include my new mailing address.

I feel like there is no proper way to react to Ye at this point - if you say he is full of shit and talking out his ass, you’re pretty much just a hater, you turned your back on Ye because that’s apparently considered the correct thing to do now that he’s out here wearing MAGA hats and talking about how slavery for 400 years was a choice. And the truth is that a lot of what he has been saying since he came back to public life in recent weeks makes a lot of sense, so if you refuse to acknowledge that and say no, it’s all bullshit, he’s lost his mind and reached a point of unquestionable irrelevance, the “end of Kanye” as people are calling it, you’re really just exemplifying the closed mindedness that Ye is criticizing.

Hold up, what? Is this real life? Am I serious? I don’t even know.

Because if you say he’s a genius and he’s making all the right moves right now, you sound like you just smoked PCP out of a 3 inch section of garden hose.

But I mean I just listened to the guy talk for an hour and only said “yo shut up Ye that’s stupid” one time. And I don’t even remember what it was now, because I can only really remember the stuff he said that was smart.

OK I am done talking about Kanye now.

Last night I performed my first show ever. First time performing my own music. I feel like I butchered it completely. It is really weird when you’re up there. Even if there’s only like 10 or 15 people. It feels way different than you imagine it would. But I fucked up a lot of lines. I had to restart one of the songs and still fucked up on the same part. I was much drunker than I had meant to be. I had been drinking since 3 and went on at 11 or something. And I had been smoking since at least 8. Idk, literally no one said a bad word about it. All of my friends and some complete strangers were saying how great I did. But no one can convince me that it was good. I feel terrible and cringy about it. Sick to my stomach in a way. But I still want to do it again? Is that stupid? I’m stupid.

There is video of it but the guy who is supposed to send it to me is slacking hard as shit. His fucking phone, holy shit - I tried for like an hour last night to get it to send the videos to me on like 3 different apps, Mega, Messenger, Youtube, none of them would upload the fucking videos. So he has to plug it into his computer and transfer them. He said like everyone else that I did really good, that I had fucked up a bunch of lines, but because none of them knew any of my songs they wouldn’t have known that from the way I performed it? I don’t know. I don’t see how anyone could’ve not noticed.

A funny detail he told me was that, like, ok my ex roommates and their weird Chicago friends were there the whole time, and apparently their plan was to fuck with me by clapping obnoxiously after all my songs, but because everyone was enjoying it so much and being so loud anyway, they couldn’t do it. I really, like, I keep going over moments in my head that I can remember where I like mumbled certain lines, or delivered lines at the wrong part of the verse and the adlibs were mismatched, or when I completely blanked and was just letting the beat play out. At one point I just shouted out my own beat. Hahaha. I was like “listen to this beat” lol and just waited for the next transition

I can’t even decide if I’m glad I went through with it. I guess time will tell how this affects my relationship with people. Specifically this one vet messenger we have on our squad who everyone looks up to seems very enamored with me right now. He made a big speech about how I’m an asset, and I’m part of the elite group or whatever, the privileged group of elites, and like, how I’m Baltimore now, and even if I leave, no matter where I go, I’ll always be Baltimore.

It’s so weird, I had basically just planned on being here for a while and just kind of surviving or whatever and then taking off and never contacting these people again, and I accidentally made everyone love me and respect me and want to have long-lasting relationships with me and shit. Well, not everyone obviously. But yeah it’s weird as hell. The big group picture we took at like 3 am last night when everyone was plastered drunk and coked out is pretty funny, I think I actually might pass as a girl in it. 

No one has said a word about the changes, not my face or my tits. I think they still haven’t noticed. One guy asked maybe a week or 2 weeks ago if I shave my legs and I used a couple of the lines I had prepared. We were alone, I think I had shaved the previous day and so the hair was coming back in as spots and were visible enough in the light that he noticed them. I said “why are you interested or something?” and he laughed then I said “Nah, you know that episode of Always Sunny where Frank shaves off all the hair on his body, like even his eyebrows and he’s like ‘I jussst wanntttoobeee purrreeeee’... [pause] it’s basically like that.” I think that was it, he was smiling the whole time though, I don’t think he thought anything of it really. And actually, the way he asked me was “do you shave your legs for speed?” so he kind of gave me an out at the beginning. I probably made it weirder by saying that. But they’re jokey lines and I prepared them to be jokey and he laughed and smiled so I think it worked.

I’m still not wearing a bra. I think I want to start if just to project them because when they get hit it hurts a lot. Even when I’m just taking my bag on and off. And then I always try to go in for these bro-ey handshakes with dudes and they bump their fist into my tit and it hurts a lot. Happened like 3 times last night. I have to like stop doing that handshake or somehow learn to prevent them from making contact with my tit. 

When I first started treatment I felt weird about the tits. They weren’t a huuge part of my dysphoria, and they started coming in really immediately, or they felt like they did. So it was like, all of a sudden I had these lil titty knots that I didn’t know what to do with. I felt kind of conflicted and strange, almost in a body horror kind of way. When I was younger I was chubby and had “man boobs” or whatever and I always hated them because of how people made fun of me. But now, it’s been like 4 months or whatever, I keep having these weird days or moments where I think the progress is slowing down or reversing or something, I check in the mirror and my tits look smaller, or my facial hair makes my face look worse or whatever, and I start thinking about how if my tits disappeared now I would be hella distressed, like I would be like noooo, come back lol. Even though I wasn’t even sure if I wanted them before. Now I’m like... yo.. tits are great. lol. They’re so sensitive!! It’s a blessing and a curse maybe.

Godddd I keep thinking about the show and being like “what the fuck did I dooooo”

It would help if I had the video, I need to review it to see how bad it really was, otherwise all I have is my shit warped memory that’s probably all exaggerated.

What else. I moved into a new house. It’s lit. Cheap as fuck, roommates are cool as hell. Haven’t unpacked my shit yet. No furniture to speak of. Ima get a desk and a chair soon, maybe a dresser. Buncha hangers for the closet. Posters. I need money fuck. I have to get my next dose like within the next 2 days. I only have 2 doses of spiro left. I might deal with it today actually, I smoked some pot and I’m feeling good so maybe when 5 rolls around I’ll go do a little Uber work. Currently sitting on a hot $0.42 in my bank. I do have like $6 in cash on me but that’s food money for tomorrow in case I end up just falling asleep today/tonight like has been happening. It’s almost like a mild case of narcolepsy except it only affects me when I’m laying in my bed. But since I don’t have a chair in this room yet, this is my only place to sit or be comfortable in my room. And I still have that tailbone thing. Fucking 4 weeks to heal just because I bumped my saddle on my ass. Fuck’s sake, what is that? Universe, what is you doing?

Oh, I upgraded my bike a shitload. Maaaad new parts. Like $450 worth of parts. Feels pretty dreamy. Pretty sexy. Although I am having some trouble adjusting to the 48t up from 46t on my previous chainring. I can still ride it and all that, but I do feel considerably slower than I did on the 46t chainring. Maybe it will end up making me stronger again? I don’t see how anything could make me weaker at this point lol. And I am pretty fast on flats! I just mean climbing, like heading north from downtown which is like basically one giant hill. I’m always out of breath on those climbs now. I’ve been trying to do big powerful breaths instead of constantly panting though, if I’m going to have to breathe different, I might as well try out some different stuff and see what works. Panting like a dog at all times is not sexy.

The 170mm cranks and the new ratio have made my pedals/cleats work a bit differently. I am popping out more again. I reeeally need to buy some Time pedals. In the meantime I will replace my cleats. Once they start getting worn down they are practically useless for skidding which is what I need them for, like, to stay alive, because I don’t really use my brake anymore. I am actually probably going to go brakeless after I get my Time pedals. Now that I can ride fixed, and I’ve been doing it for a while, I understand that brakeless isn’t really as edgy and difficult as people think it is. You can ride brakeless and just be fucking slow as shit all day and never get anywhere but look cool as fuck doing it. You can ride brakeless and go fast as hell, but not even skid, because you just know your city and the lights and intersections well enough to slow yourself down at the right time via reverse pressure. With clipless pedals, this is a piece of cake, really. Anyone who learns fixed on straps probably has more trouble with this sort of thing. But on clipless, it’s easy as shit to me, I do it without even thinking. I know how to control my bike well enough to not use the brake that’s on it. And that’s the point where I feel safe enough to try going brakeless. Bare in mind, I won’t be riding the same exact way - I will be extremely careful at first and ease into it with more comfort in time. I will not take unnecessary risks. The city that I work in, and the company and clients I work for, affords me the ability to ride hard only when absolutely necessary. So for the most part I will be able to practice brakeless control without flying around subjecting myself to dangerous situations constantly and without exception. Of course I will eventually probably do that, but I’m giving it time. Like when I took my back brake off after I was beginning to learn to skid. I could’ve taken it off much earlier, but I took it off when I was ready, and it’s worked out well for me so far.

I think I need to write some new songs.

[gendermesenpai-blog]

6:47pm

Ok, so maybe the last thing was a little surface level. I guess I should write more. This will probably help me figure out how I’m feeling. I have a lot of dissonance and stuff right now since I am kind of leading this double life.

So, ok, first of all, the situation with the roommate escalated a lot, I don’t know if I really explained it that much before on here but basically he threatened to kick me out, I felt unsafe being around him, so I stopped being around him, then he messaged me calling me on avoiding him, so I kind of let him have it a little bit, then his girlfriend came and confronted me, she was pounding on my door really hard and I was ignoring it, because entitled people demanding my attention has been happening since I was a child, and then she just opened up the door and came into my room, talking about “oh it’s my house, I’m the only one whose name is on this blah blah” lots of justifications. She demanded I go downstairs and talk to her, I did, but recorded the entire thing. The conversation covered a lot of ground.

From her/their perspective, I am the entitled one, a “brat” as they keep saying, who they allowed to live here past when I was originally expected to leave, lots of guilting and shaming and stuff that I’m used to from the aforementioned childhood spent serving and placating narcissists. There were a lot of things she said that stuck out. Apparently they don’t like my attitude (haha no seriously) and the way I roll my eyes at things and “scoff” at them. Scoffing is a big part of the problem, apparently. At one point she said something like “scoffing and eyerolls from a *WHITE MAN* (emphasis mine) which is what you are presenting as now, come off as rude and disrespectful, do you know what disrespect means in black culture etc”. So basically she implied that if my presentation were different, like if I wore a wig or whatever, I would be less threatening? And she tried to back that up by going to this black culture defense wherein, I suppose, she would not be guilty of any crime if she were to physically harm me, as long as it was a clear case of disrespect against her position of authority.

So, uh, yeah, I don’t know. I see where she’s coming from in terms of like, white dude comes into her house and doesn’t follow all the weird rules she made up, about like, acceptable facial expressions and so on, except that I’m not a white dude, I’m a trans girl, and I explained that to her and it doesn’t seem to mean much to her. In fact when I tried to get her to stop calling me dude or man or whatever she launched into this “you told us to use male pronouns until you come out” defense, which doesn’t work, for a couple reasons, one, because “man” and “dude” are not pronouns, they are words meaning male that aren’t even necessary for grammatically correct speech, two, because what I actually said was that I’m not asking anyone to make any changes yet, because I’m afraid of being outed, but that doesn’t mean everyone is still using male verbage with me, I asked my therapist to call me by my name and use she/her, and my friends in the UK are just doing it without me even having to ask. 

So like, am I crazy, or does it actually say something about you as a person if you continue calling a trans girl “dude” and “man” even after you know their situation, when you are just talking alone 1 on 1. I don’t know. And with the boyfriend here, he wrote it in a direct message, I mean if you have to actually type it out... I don’t see how this is defensible really. I called it a microaggression to be generous, because that’s assuming it’s unintentional. And it’s not like I was saying, hey, you’re misgendering me, you’re a fucking shithead and this invalidates whatever you’re saying. No. I was basically just going “hey can you not” and then she’s like “HOW DARE YOUUUU” and it was really excessive. She responded to my asking not to be called man and dude anymore with “HOW DARE YOU! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU ALL MY FRIENDS ARE TRANS BLAH BLAH.” It was pretty gross.

Like I said I have the entire thing recorded. That’s actually technically illegal in Maryland. But I don’t think she would call the cops or anything. She was furious that I recorded it though. She said “that’s fucked up” a bunch of times and called me a brat some more. And a bag of shit. I think maybe I made a mistake by moving in here with these people, what do you think? Maybe? Yeah, maybe.

So, ok, I’m done ranting about that for a while. So here’s the other thing, the boyfriend guy just got hit today. His bike went under a truck and he seems pretty severely injured. I heard him limping up the stairs and making hurt noises. I recognize them because I’m also doing them from my tailbone thing. So now it’s like, idk, I feel petty for not talking to this guy when he’s injured. But how does this really change anything when my original point was one of principle. So I’m conflicted.

I really wish I wasn’t fucked up so I could go out and work. I want to like, eat food other than peanut butter sandwiches. But my account is going to be in the negative until Friday unless I do some Uber runs. Maybe if the ibuprofen I just took kicks in like before it gets dark here I can go out and do a couple. Fuck, who am I kidding. I’m probably going to have to take tomorrow off unless this situation changes dramatically. You can’t ride a bike standing up all the time, that’s fucking unrealistic. And you can’t sit down because your saddle is a torture device made of adamantium steel. Why did you buy fucking $80 saddle that feels like shit and doesn’t protect your ass? Why have you been riding it for months and months, probably gradually working your way toward this injury. Stupid fucking 

Ok let’s stop there

Maybe I’ll try to write a song

[gendermesenpai-blog]

6:11pm

ok

I have been very stressed and focused on staying busy for a while. After the bullshit that happened with my roommates I have been keeping to myself, trying not to spend a lot of time in the house. Kinda just running in and out all the time and avoiding eye contact.

I have a new place set up now, I’m moving in Friday or Saturday. It’s not too far from where I am now and only about $400/mo in rent. Really ideal honestly, can’t believe how well it worked out.

So I’m like 3 months into HRT or whatever and I just went back to the clinic where I got my first script. They took my blood and raised my doseage. I am still taking the old doseage. Partly because my insurance died and I’m not sure if the new medicaid plan I’m on will cover the hormones. So I’m afraid to go and try and find out they are so expensive I can’t even afford them or whatever. That was embarassing enough the last time it happened. But also I am just concerned about more serious side effects from the doubling of the spiro dose. I already get nauseous and incredibly thirsty. If those effects are actually doubled it will probably suck and require a whole nother adjustment period.

What else. I think I’m going to start using twitter. I do occasionally have funny thoughts that I don’t know where to share them. It might be nice to have something that requires less committment than this transition diary, especially considering that as soon as my life gets a little stressful I pretty much completely abandoned it as a concept.

Overall I’m good, very focused on the future, still fantasizing and hoping about how good I’ll look in a year or whatever. But I do already feel and look quite different, I think. 

I don’t know.

I’ve been sleeping all day actually and I haven’t smoked since I woke up around 5pm. So I guess maybe I’m feeling my actual feelings now? Or just the absence of the dopamine from the weed.

Yesterday, I had to jump off my bike to avoid colliding with a pedestrian who flew out of a building onto the sidewalk that I was riding on. I shouldn’t have been on the sidewalk, I shouldn’t have been going that fast. I didn’t hit her. But while trying to avoid her, I hit my ass on my seat in this weird way that caused a tailbone bruise. Or maybe exercbated one that had been building up from sitting on nothing but concrete and hard plastic chairs for the last year. But now I can’t sit down comfortably on my bike. I was riding around standing up for most of yesterday. Which is incredibly difficult actually. So I have some pride that I even managed it. But today it felt even worse and I was like fuck it I’m just going to sleep all day. Now I am awake, and some ibuprofen has kicked in, and I’m kind of feeling alright, but still like tomorrow is gonna fucking suck. Maybe I need a new saddle or something to help with this situation.

Oh, and my bank account is in the red $35 because PayPal waited to take the money for my seedbox until it wasn’t there anymore. I scheduled that payment a fucking entire week ago, when I had plenty to cover it. And they waited until it was gone. Yayyy thanks for the overdraft fee.

I have a lot more feeelings right now that maybe I’m not even comfortable discussing with myself. I can sense there are things that my subconscious won’t even let me say right now. Stuff about my interpersonal relationships and self doubts and what not. I’m so good at suppressing that stuff that it won’t come out even when I want to look at it.

I’m going to go get high as fuck and watch Spirited Away now.

[gendermesenpai-blog]

See my shadow changing Stretching up and over me Soften this old armor Hoping I can clear the way by Stepping through my shadow Coming out the other side Step into the shadow Forty six and two are just ahead of me

[gendermesenpai-blog]

8:47am

Don’t have to be in until 9:30 today so I thought I’d do an entry. Haven’t done one in a while.

I really love shaving my legs. It’s so zen. If you do it too fast, you get poor results. You have to be slow and thorough. Slow, steady strokes. It feels like a magic wand that I just wave over my legs and watch the boy hair disappear.

Ok, so what’s been going on. Well, I’ve written more songs in the last 2 months than I ever wrote before in my life. Several of them I am singing, never tried that before. Literally never wrote an actual song ever before in my life. I still only have the one singy song banger, the others haven’t been as well received and I don’t feel as strongly about them as that first one. Also been writing more non-singing rap tracks. It helps to bounce back and forth, I’ve found. Makes it easier to come back to one after you’ve only been dealing with the other.

Bicken back. Bicken back bein bool.

Ok, so my roommate, friend and fellow messenger J has decided he wants to beef with me over household chores. I can’t make this up. He kept adding me to FB groupchats over and over where he would send photos of garbage in the kitchen along with a lecture. None of it was mine. He made a huge deal out of picking up some orange peels and a couple cans. He said I have been “treating the common spaces like shit for months.” Interesting, because I have been on HRT for months, hiding in my room, only using the living room to hear my songs on the good speakers. I told him not to add me to that bullshit again, he added me again, and said “I wouldn’t have to if you would respect this space. Asshole”

I blocked him after that and then about half an hour later he messaged me on IG saying something like “Alright this is how this is gonna go: you’re gonna respect me or you have 30 days to pack your shit and get out.” Yes, he really threatened to kick me out the house over a FB groupchat. If he were reading this, he would insist that it wasn’t about the groupchat, it is about my “attitude” toward him whenever he tries to talk about household issues. There is in fact no attitude, I am just an anxious person, and the specific variety of confrontation which he excels at is very unpleasant to me, so I avoid it. It reminds me of my parents. He is very self centered. He seems incapable of considering how he comes off to others. My attempts to give him the context and perspective he needs to understand where I’m coming from have not gone over well. The interaction essentially ended with him leaving me on “seen” with my last few messages. Maybe on some level he knew I was right and couldn’t come up with anything to come back at me with. Maybe he just ran out of energy. I don’t know. But that was a few days ago and we haven’t spoken since. We are both messengers so we see each other outside the house too sometimes and we’ve just been kinda dancing around each other, not saying shit. It’s pretty fucking dumb honestly. It’s high school shit. He basically freaked out because I didn’t respect his authority on some cis male boss man shit. I completely lost all respect for him and it probably won’t come back even if he apologizes, which he probably won’t because I know him too well to expect that. He is very set in his ways.

I could talk about him for a while. He speaks over people, interrupts them. Barely listens, only waits for his turn to speak. Sometimes doesn’t wait, just jumps in. Often does this while I am trying to explain something. Just jumps in and interrupts me, thinking he knows what I am going to say, but completely misunderstanding. He is incredibly self-interested. As far as I can tell he doesn’t really think about how people perceive him. If he does, he probably uses some sort of confirmation bias bullshit that leads him to believe others see him the way he sees himself, which is obviously not the case. He does a lot of weird shit that comes off as borderline spectrum-related behavior. I don’t mean to say weird shit in a derogatory way, really, it’s just how I feel. For example, a month or so ago he revealed to me that when he and his girlfriend leave for Chicago in July, I won’t be able to keep the house, and will need to find somewhere else to live, and he chose to reveal this information while we were sitting at a coffee shop with like 3 or 4 other messengers. Everyone immediately looked at me. It was so fucking weird and awkward. Who does shit like that?

Anyway, the guy annoys the fuck out of me and I’ve been polite as I can so far. I think I am straight up not going to acknowledge him if he tries to come at me with more negative energy. I’ve been walking around the house with headphones on for days. If he apologizes I will accept and say I’m sorry too, but I’m not. I just think people like him need to have their efforts at decency reciprocated in order to feel validated.

What else. My muscles continue to get weaker but I have accepted it as reality. I just continue to adapt and overcome. It seems like I am not really all that significantly slower, no one has asked me about it or said I am slow. It just feels much more difficult to me and I get winded very easily if I push too hard. So I have to walk a very fine line to not get winded.

Tits are gettin pretty big. Something someone said on discord resonated with me, they said “it actually feels like titty in my hand now lol.” It really does! Has science gone too far?

Currently listening to YG. Thinking about making a new playlist of nothing but hard af hood shit to go along with my vibes playlist. Sort of like a yin and yang. 

Oh, the teeth thing! I never even talked about that. Right, so I’ve been having these horrible toothaches that were keeping me up at night, so I had no choice but to see a dentist which I was trying to avoid until after I leave the US bc it’s very expensive. But I lose coverage under my dad’s health insurance in about a week. So it needed to happen right now. Spent about $100 to get a very heavily decayed tooth yanked out. It’s clotted up but still aching so I am on a shitload of ibuprofen and can’t drink alcohol. I am smoking weed through my nose. Hand to god I smoked a joint through my nose this morning. Real talk yo, we out here on that truly wild shit.

Today is my boss’s birthday so I will probably pass by the bar after work but I can’t drink because of the aforementioned mountain of ibuprofen dissolving in my gut. Hopefully don’t deal with too much bullshit from J or D or whoever wants to start shit with me today. I’ll try to make it quick, I’ll just pop in and be like yoooo what’s good with yall motherfuckers, ayyyyye how ya been, hows ya motha, aight cool see ya.

Yesterday was super busy, I did a little over 30 miles. Had a courthouse rush dispatched at 4:10 that I returned to the client at 4:25. The courthouse closes at 4:30. So 15 minutes to pick, hit the courthouse, and drop back at the client, that’s a hell of a turnaround, I was pretty proud of that.

Oh, and I’m super poor for the next week because of that tooth shit. I think I have about $60. I need to pay for some internet things though and I’m not sure how that’s going to work.

As soon as all this snow is melted and the salt is off the roads I’m going to be overhauling my entire drivetrain. New wheelset, new cog, new chainring and cranks. It’s going to be fucking sick. I have all of it already except a new chain. Just gotta buy the chain and trim it to the proper length and then I’ll be rollin hard.

Ok gotta get dressed and dip out. Wish me luck with these fuckboys today.

[gendermesenpai-blog]

8:53 pm

I am about to dose. Hol up

 OK I dosed.

So.

Big thoughts. 

Reggae Announcer Voice: BIG thoughts.

The reason why XXXTentacion is huge right now - 14m plays per month on Spotify vs Ski Mask’s mere 3m - is because of the juxtaposition between the perceived value of his music with his image or perceived value in the public at large. He is on house arrest facing domestic abuse charges. People are all saying Free X. What does this mean?

This is also true of many other artists. I spent 10 minutes today trying to explain the appeal of Tay-K to G, another messenger. Tay-K made a song called The Race, in which he proclaims, ‘I was tryna beat a case, but I ain’t beat the case, bitch I did the race.’ He wrote this song and filmed the video for it while he was on the run from the feds for capital murder charges in the state of Texas. He had cut off his ankle monitor and fled - doing the race. He was in New Jersey, where he filmed the video and also caught another aggravated assault charge for beating a man half to death during an attempted robbery, after which the victim identified him from a photo line-up. Tay-K has now been transferred to Texas where he faces sentencing for his charges. His song, The Race, has 22.7 million views on Soundcloud as of today. It was used in the premiere episode of Season 2 Atlanta on FX written and directed by Donald Glover which came out just a few weeks ago.

6ix9ine - his lyrics are trash. But he is juxtaposed in a series of music videos with massive crowds of blooded out gang members. He is shown holding guns, aiming them at the camera. He is shown next to people who are displaying guns. The image transposed against the music. The music no longer means anything. It’s like the magic eye pictures, the optical illusions. The only thing that matters is the sailboat. But you have to focus your eyes to see it. 

I went out to try to get my license renewed today and they still wouldn’t accept the shit I had. But, hilariously, the person I worked with told me straight up I could just print a lease template off google and fill it out and they couldn’t object to it. Hahah. Hahahaha. She asked if I understood what she meant. I was like, yup. Hahah.lmfaoooo

I am completely in awe of what is happening right now musically - R is not only vibing on what I’m doing right now, he is actually inspired by it to the point that he’s making absolutely incredible shit right now - stuff I think is better than mine by farrrrr - and he doesn’t even believe when I say that. I’ve been listening to the song he made on repeat. I’m so fucking glad he sent it to me lmao. I can’t stop listening to it, it’s amazing.

I’m waiting for this dose to dissolve and also for G and M to leave Z’s, come and pick me up, and then the 3 of us will roll uptown to pick up shmoke. I guess I could’ve told M that I didn’t need it. But I do need it. So.

Tryna get high af and make a new song before I have to sleep lmfao. Maybe make somethin after work tomorrow, idk. 

Ooh, that new smokepurrp just came on. wait - i want all the smoke. i smoke all the dope. uzi with a scope.

123 i just popped a bean

456 a-holes on my dick

OK I’m done

call my mama say i’m on the xans again

[gendermesenpai-blog]

5:54pm

Wew. As I was rolling up to the house after work I was thinking what a great day this was. Super tired now. Went out to get groceries and came back. I started at 8:30am had done 20 miles by noon. Ended up slowing down and they let me off around 3:45 or 4. I clocked out with a little over 30 miles on my Strava. Towards the end of the day I was getting really severe cramps in my legs. I have always kind of wondered, well, if I did push myself too hard, how would I know? I imagine that sudden and uncontrollable muscle spasms would probably be an indicator.

I’ve written another song. I proved to myself it wasn’t a fluke, I can actually write music. It might not be quite as good of a song but by all the metrics used to measure songs, lyrics, melody, etc, it is indeed a song. And I wrote every single part myself. People seem to be digging it but I’m kinda like eh. I know that first song was fuckin poppin though. Everyone was loving that shit. I may try to do something right now actually. I have all this food fuel. I was like about to pass out 30 minutes ago though haha. And I’m out of weed. Trying not to dwell on it.

[gendermesenpai-blog]

8:57pm

Not feeling great right now. I just basically bolted from Z&B’s house. J and M were annoying the fuck out of me. I am honestly way too reserved. Why did I wait so long to leave? Why do I put myself in these positions? I didn’t have to go there tonight. I could’ve left after one beer. I didn’t even have fun. Like, I’m trying to leave, and G comes back in from smoking a cigarette like “WHERE ARE YOU GOING, I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME” like assholes do. It’s especially frustrating because he is one of the few people who knows I am trans and that I have to take pills on a certain schedule. He is just an alcoholic. But he fucked up my Irish goodbye. I should have known he was there and waited for him to come back in before I pounced. Why did I want to leave, right, well, they said a bunch of stupid shit. As per usual. I can only tolerate M for short periods of time. I am feeling like I can’t work with him. I literally can’t do it. I can’t have a long term relationship with this person. I can’t have him attached to my art. I fuckin can’t do it. The other day I was thinking, well he’s very plugged into the various Baltimore scenes, he may be able to help with promotion etc, but I don’t think it’s worth it. I can’t tolerate him for longer than an hour or two at the most. He is loud, he pushes people’s buttons. He reminds me of when I was fucking 15 or 16. He needs to grow up. I don’t have the spoons for him.

I fucking hit a pedestrian today, right before all that. If I’m being honest with myself it is probably contributing to my mood right now. The guy was jaywalking across the street and I was tucking into this stretch of road we call the gauntlet, it is basically a short diving descent before a steep incline. On a track bike there is only one way to do it, you have to just commit and power through the entire section. If you hesitate during the descent you guarantee yourself pain on the climb. So I’m tucking into the descent and this guy is walking along and I see him, I see the pace he is going and I tuck in to go between the sidewalk and him, before he reaches it. I should have just gone around him on the right, but whatever, he bolted and ran for no fucking reason and I hit him with my shoulder. The shoulder that is already fucked up from skidding strain. Some kind of tech or IT bro wearing a dress shirt and khakis, smoking a cigarette which he did not drop during the entire encounter. He was just like “sorry bro.” That was all he could say, the stupid fuck.

Let me explain something: as a messenger, we deal with a large number of obstacles in our path on a daily basis. Our job revolves largely around avoiding these obstacles and maintaining a steady pace throughout our routes. Over time you become accustomed to certain patterns of behavior that produce these obstacles and you can predict them. For example in our city we have a “cycle track” (bike lane) along a busy stretch of road which leads one-way downtown. There used to be two lanes for cars, but now there is a bike lane on the left and a car lane on the right. The bike lane is separated from the car lane by parked cars, so it can be difficult for the drivers to see cyclists coming alongside them. Often times this results in drivers attempting to make left hand turns with zero regard or awareness of cyclists on the path. One can account for this by simply avoiding the bike lane, instead riding with the cars where you know they will see you, or alternatively just watching every single car like a hawk and studying them for signs that they may be turning, even without a turn signal.

However, people are people, and sometimes they can surprise you by doing something very dumb and dangerous. So while I expected this guy to walk at a certain pace, he instead chose to run without looking in the direction traffic was coming from, and there was no sign he was going to do that before I engaged into full power mode. I was tucked into the descent with full commitment and despite my best efforts, yelling loudly “YO CHILL THE FUCK OUT”, tightening my angle along the curb, pressing my front brake and hopping on my rear wheel, I was unable to avoid him. He was unharmed, I fell and was only scraped up. At least so far it doesn’t feel worse than that. The shoulder thing worries me more than the scrape and bruising on my knee which I’ve dealt with already a hundred times. If I hadn’t attempted to slow my speed, I could’ve probably hit him with enough force to knock him out and I wouldn’t have even slowed down. But messengers, we don’t want to hit people. Like I said, we are trying to avoid obstacles, not make a point of decking them in the head just because they had the audacity to be in our way. I just wish people would be more aware of their surroundings. I’m mad at myself for not reading his mind and knowing he was going to bolt, predicting that and swerving right instead. I’m mad that he didn’t even seem phased by it. I was the only one who fell. I’m mad that my knee had allllmost just finished healing from my last injury and now is scraped worse than before. I’m mad that the only reason I even left the bar on that run at that exact time was because my boss hit me and told me to get him beer since I owed him money. I’m mad that this isn’t even the first time I’ve hit someone in my whole career as a messenger, it’s just the first time I’ve hit someone in this city, and especially that one section of road. I have to ride that section multiple times a day, I know it really well. I have avoided countless pedestrians at that same exact crosswalk. I will be thinking about this asshole every time I have to go that way from now on.

I’m frustrated right now god damn. I’ve listened to my new song too many times, it’s losing its charm and flavor that made it poppin. I really need to record it soon but I can’t record with M. He’s a fuckin child. R got a new mic tho, I might be able to just do it there. I’m gonna ask him about that tomorrow.

9 weeks HRT. I have tiny lil titties now. They are undeniably there. It’s so weird haha. I love them though. Since they are already this size so early in my timeline I am thinking they will probably grow kinda big after a while. No way of knowing though really other than by other family members genes and I honestly never paid much attention to any of my relatives’ tits.

I am probably going to just go to sleep here in a second and try to forget this whole day ever happened. I can work on music tomorrow and it’ll be cool. Yup. That’s the plan.

[gendermesenpai-blog]

3:13am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3EJICKwITw pissed off from the way that i don’t fit in, i don’t fit in tell me what’s the secret to love, i don’t get it feel like i be runnin a race i’m not winnin ran into the devil today and she grinnin

now i am insane demons in my brain, love peace i can’t obtain cause all these girls the same, love

Sometimes I’ll hear a song and be super unimpressed and then it’ll end up being my favorite song of all time a week or so later. That’s what happened with that one Higher Brothers song. Also Yung Lean’s entire discography.

Got out of bed just now. Put my laundry in the wash last night around 6pm and passed right out apparently. I remember playing a bit of Pokemon and then being hit hard by the sleepy. Woke up, realized I had missed my dose once again, dosed at 2am or whatever, tried to go back to sleep for a while, failed. Now sitting here listening to Juice Wrld on repeat.

I have been trying to consciously break down these debut song/visuals that keep coming out from new artists and blowing up instantaneously. I am trying to figure out a formula for success essentially. Grandiose as it may seem I feel like this formula has never been simpler or more attainable. I have put together a few basic patterns - monotone rapping = poop, no one cares anymore, everyone wants to hear singing now. Autotune reigns supreme. Rappers who don’t sing can still be successful but not on the level that these autotune dudes are hitting. (6ix9ine being an exception I will get to in a second.) Red Roses by Lil Skies. Dark Knight Dummo by Trippie Redd. Pretty much anything by Post Malone. Lately I’ve been bumping Monta with Yachty.

Bones put out a new song the other day and it sounds like shit because he is still doing the same wack voice monotone voice. Look at the other artists who have adopted the aesthetic he pioneered - Ghostemane is probably more successful and popular right now than Bones, and the only difference is that Ghostemane has white hair and uses a more interesting high pitched voice with more emotional variability. $crim from $B sounds most similar to Bones and is somehow still more likeable, probably because he is not *completely* monotone, but also because he has Ruby next to him who combines many styles and they complement each other well. 6ix9ine basically just screams all his garbage lyrics and that energy on Gummo was somehow enough to make him successful.

But even X sings in a few of his best songs, Fuck Love comes to mind. But in the songs when he is rapping, he is just putting a lot of energy into it, he is changing his voice around to create new atmospheres and project different aspects of his persona. The number one song on Soundcloud right now is Hope by X, dedicated to the victims of the Parkland shooting, where he croons “There’s hope for the rest of us” in a simple melodic progression I’ve heard a million times before, listenable purely by virtue of being shaky with emotion. The first verse ends with a back and forth with X playing two characters, one asking the other “So what’s up? What you say?” And the other replying “feeling good, feeling great, tired of the fucking hate, stackin’ cheese all on my plate.” The only way you can even tell that these are characters is because of the voice being different. Ski Mask does this on Babywipe as well, “How was you feelin, vro?” “Feelin like the four, I feel fantastic” etc.

Music rants aside, ok. 

I have been sleeping a lot. Literally fell asleep and missed my therapist appointment for the 3rd time in a row. Wtf.

Friday was very windy. Me and P were the only ones rolling today for our company. Mostly just me. When I say “very windy” I mean like the kind of wind where you sometimes just stop completely and get off the bike and lean into the wind to avoid falling over from a standstill. Somehow avoided falling all day which seemed miraculous. End of the day everybody met up at a bar and J and S were basically just praising me for being a dope messenger. S said “you’re really great” or something like that and J said I’m “the real deal.” Lmao. They have no idea I’ve been on estrogen for 8 weeks. I went outside with P and smoked the first cigarette I’ve had in 2 months. Put it out halfway and went home without saying goodbye. I’m trying to make Irish goodbyes my thing so nobody thinks twice about it when I disappear back to my house to go take my dose and pass out at 9pm or whatever.

The nausea is big. Big nausea. From the spiro I think but I’m not really sure. It kind of just hits me like a wave and I have to wait for it to break and roll back. At first I interpreted it as hunger but now I realize I have been eating a LOT. and it will still happen, especially after I sleep for a few hours - not enough time for full digestion to occur. So maybe there is a hunger component, but this is like no hunger I’ve ever felt. It’s overwhelming and forces me to actually stop what I’m doing and just clutch my stomach for a few seconds until it’s over.

Tits are happening. Definitely happening on my body. I feel somewhat conflicted. The first morning I woke up and felt absolutely certain something was there, my immediate reaction was something like panic. I flashed back to various nightmares I have had in my life where I awoke to find something wrong with my body, my face distorted or whatever. And then I had to think about that for a while. Why does it cause me discomfort that I am growing breasts? It’s not like I didn’t know they were coming. I have felt excited about them before. I have had dreams where I awoke as 100% bio cis woman and was overjoyed. So why is it that now they are coming in, I am not happy about it?

I think partly it’s just that it seems so fast - I guess I was hoping I had longer to come to terms with it. I will have to begin hiding them soon probably. In a few months it will be summer and I may not be able to go swimming or take my shirt off around any of the other messengers. They may notice this behavior and call me on it and I will have to come up with some explanation. For now I can pretend I have just put on some weight, they are still at a believable size for a slightly overweight beer drinking bike messenger. But that may not be possible in a few months, especially since I am otherwise very fit and don’t have much of a belly. 

Bottom line being basically that the issue is not the tits themselves, the issue is that I am still closeted and feel like I have to hide this aspect of myself from people.

I don’t think any of the discomfort comes from genuine doubt or second thoughts about transitioning. I want tits. I want them bad as fuck. I have been touching them all the time and wishing there was something there for a long time now. I think it’s really just societal programming - I have all this internalized transphobia about not wanting to be a freak or whatever. Sometimes I space out and still think of myself as male, so I guess maybe I can enter a headspace where I’m like “oh god my body is becoming freakish for a male.” Like I am still not fully able to see myself as female at all times, so my reaction to tits on my chest isn’t a pure “oh wow look at these beauties” as it should be. But when I can release all that shitty baggage I am definitely like oh wow look at these beauties.

I may try to get a couple more hours of sleep here before work real quick.

[gendermesenpai-blog]

9:44am

Okay so hi.

Things are weird right now.

I have had many moments before in life that felt like I was on a roller coaster and it was beyond my control and I had to just accept that I am accelerating in some direction.

That is how I feel now. It feels like another one of those transitional moments - something new needs to change.

It is not unlike riding a fixed gear bike - without the ability to coast, pedaling forward requires more commitment. You must commit to moving forward. Absolutely commit. It is your destiny. Once the pedals are in motion there is no turning back. You are on the edge of your seat riding this terrifying machine that wants nothing more than to buck you off and find equilibrium with the floor.

This is what my life feels like right now. Flying by the seat of my pants. Constantly scraping together the bare minimum understanding of each situation to avoid disaster and continue moving. Every moment a choice between hope and despair.

I think with the reduced amount of wakeful time at my disposal, I have started cutting down on activities. This was not intentional at first but now it seems optimal. Socializing late at night or far from the house. Even visiting my therapist. It's like the spoon theory thing. By the end of every workday, and then every week, I'm always out of spoons. And I just want to lay around and be a fart.

I have made a few songs in the last week though. I added them all up in an effort of constructing either a tracklist for a debut tape or a setlist for a performance of some sort. Turns out even after cutting a few of my weakest songs I still have a solid 10 tracks. All produced entirely this year. Fuckin wild tbh.

Getting my long skids down. Still no balls on stem. But I can hold a gooood skid these days. Still haven't fallen during a skid. When it finally happens that's gonna suck.

What else. Ahhhh. I forgot another dose the other night. Passed out early, woke up at 1:30am and realized my mistake. Dosed and went back to sleep. Then did 10:30 the next morning and back to 8:30. So it was resolved somewhat. Still can't believe I missed an entire dose last week or whenever that was.

Might have work off tomorrow. If I do, I'll need to go out to the DMV and get my license renewed. Then maybe drop the last of my bike shop flyers. Not sure if I wrote about that before but a local bike shop asked me to distribute some flyers and I've been slacking on finishing it up. They're supposed to pay me in gift cards lol.

Oh, tits are happening! Tits are a thing that is totally happening. Not only have they been sensitive to the touch for weeks already, getting more and more intense and actively stinging for days, there is now an unmistakable hard knot under each nipple. it's fucking happening

I saw myself in the bathroom mirror at the state building today and saw 100% adorable gril. God it makes me so happy when I look girly!!! Ahhhhhh

My brain can still occasionally short circuit from anxiety and be like "well maybe you're not trans" and it's great to get moments like this where I have this completely unreserved and natural joyous reaction to my own feminized appearance. How can something that makes me so happy be wrong? It can't. I'm a fuckin girl. lmao.

Sleep bed now

[gendermesenpai-blog]

7:59pm

Amazing how much a difference a tiny bit of weed and alcohol can do for a stressed mind.

I have not talked about my ex on here for a while because it felt strange writing about a person who would probably read it. But I will write briefly about her now. I don’t know if she still reads this or whatever. idc

I do wish we could talk more. I miss her. I am also afraid of her. I am afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. I am afraid her intentions are not as she claims, that she seeks to ridicule me or worse. I don’t want to overstep, I don’t want to contact her and have her be like “oh hello ex who I hate, why the fuck are you messaging me right now”

Our conversations generally feel one-sided. She is looking down at me with scorn from the high ground of untouchable moral excellence. I am groveling for some basic acknowledgment that I am human at all. Even in writing I feel like I sense her tone. “Thanks for the update on your life” feels like “hey fuck you, nobody asked you to send 8 messages complaining about your shitty life as an overworked bike messenger you fuckin weirdo, and I’ll never believe you’re anything other than a psychopath.” These are like my mental subtitles.

It seems I have entered into a sort of social contract where if I want to be treated as human, I have to consistently make myself available to conversations about my history as a boy. It is sort of like he won’t die. I am standing over him, trying to kill him, and he won’t die. He is just there, fighting me. Struggling against me. He wants to inhabit my body on some bodysnatchers shit.

My role in this exchange seems almost like that of a medium who is channeling the soul of my cissona. I have to listen to stories about him and channel his bullshit and try to figure out what he remembers or how he would have felt. Obviously there is no actual soul searching involved. The cissona wasn’t a real person. It was an amalgam of traits I had absorbed and projected to defend myself.

Some of these projections ran incredibly deep, like the jealousy for example. I legitimately thought those were real feelings. I was all like, putting my arm around my girlfriends to signal ownership, stepping in when I saw them talking to ‘other men,’ confronting them about past sexual history, just the weirdest and dumbest shit. And in my head I remember being like, ‘this is real, I am feeling this way, I’m angry and I don’t know why I feel this way but I just do, and not only that, but this is how I’m supposed to feel.’

I even remember feeling like I envied people who were poly or in open relationships, I was like, wow I wish I could do that, but I’m too jealous. It would never work. Now that I’ve let go of the toxic masc bullshit I realized I don’t really care about any of that. The origin of those feelings was with my masculinity or my power as a man or whatever nonsense being challenged. And none of that was ever real.

Here’s the weird thing - I can still get a little heated when people are challenging me in a social situation. Even when I consciously know I am only participating in a social ritual to avoid the alternative of being ridiculed for sitting out, I can still get pretty riled up. I have fallen back on my good ol friend, “leaving”. I used to do this a lot in my masc years, where I would just leave in the middle of an argument or a conversation to avoid dealing with it. Avoidance is the name of my game. The tactic has come in handy recently in avoiding transphobic bullshit and just general asshattery. Post-HRT I have veeeery little patience for dickheads doing dickhead shit.

But beyond all that I have been very busy recently. I haven’t had a lot of time to keep up with C&V or even the people here in the same city I live in. I have been on HRT for around 6 weeks now. It makes me sleep more. If you picture the average on/off circadian rhythm as a pie chart, this is a pie chart where it used to look like pac-man and is slowly progressing toward pokeball. You spend less time awake. There is less time to do things. I have work and music. I have to groom myself to prevent the dysphoria. I don’t get that much time to communicate with people. I am already an anxious and avoidant person. Why would I spend what little time I have dealing with people? People make me anxious.

With all that said I am very lonely and more friends is always better than less friends.

[gendermesenpai-blog]

8:35am

Here’s an overview of my mornings.

I wake up usually somewhere from 5 to 7:30am. I have various alarms set up to 8:30 but I ignore them depending on my tiredness and rarely go past 7:30. I usually get out of bed, grab my towel, some weed, the bong, and my razors, and head for the bathroom. I turn on the shower and sit on the toilet, do my biz, bong rip, and jump in the shower once it’s hot. I shampoo and condition my hair and leave it to sit in a clump while I do the rest of my routine. Then I shave my face, and usually my legs as well, depending on how much time I have and how bad the dysphoria is that morning. Usually I do my face with disposable Gilette razors and my legs with an electric razor and/or my safety razor. Then I soap, rinse, etc, hop out. I wrap my hair in the towel and sit in front of my space heater and tend to any loose hairs with the safety razor. 

Early on I just wanted to get it done as fast as possible because I feared it consuming too much time, but now I enjoy taking the time to be thorough and make sure my legs are nice and smooth. That and the invisibility of my beard shadow make an enormous difference on my self esteem.

After I finish with all that I just eat some snacks and take my pills for the day, my T blocker and a 2mg E pill. I finish getting dressed, make sure I have my chargers and everything in my bag. Wallet, phone, keys. Then I push my bike out the door and roll.

It’s 8:47 now, I need to finish getting ready and roll out. Will try to post more later if I get a chance. Weather’s gonna suck today, supposed to be cold and rainy.

[gendermesenpai-blog]

7:08pm

Yeah so I didn’t wear tights today lol. Just my bare shaved legs and shorts. It was awesome. Nobody even asked me about them being shaved. C (older messenger, does office work for us now at the state building) pointed out a scab from a recent fall. I don’t remember if I mentioned it but I fell crossing a railing a few days ago, it was super dumb. Easy fall, not a big deal. But he pointed out the scab without even mentioning the bare skin. I don’t think anyone even noticed. I did feel a bit self conscious toward the end of the day though when we were all hanging out drinking at the harbor and I was the only one wearing shorts. But still no one said anything.

What else idk I think I’m supposed to Skype with C&V or maybe just C. I’ll post later or maybe not idk I’m very high