#The only time the mask comes off is when I am 100% certain I’m in the right and the other person is being an asshole about their opinion

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

When you’re naturally arrogant and self-righteous but no one knows because you’re too afraid of disapproval to express your opinions

[crimsonterror577]

The Burning, and the Recovery. The birth of the Absolute Solver.

Act 1 - The Burning.

It was mid day, yet the darkness inside the warehouse sank Max’s soul, as he crept through the halls of the empty building. It had been a long journey, and Max was full of doubt for the intentions of his quest. Yet still he made his way down the halls, as Karie previously told him. Max slipped out his phone, and powered it on. Max presumed he shouldn’t often look at his phone, suspecting that Refonic could track it, if he left it on for a while. Yet Max needed to be certain of his destination, and Max thought if he only opened his phone for a brief second, then surely it wouldn't be enough to track. Max looked at its screen, and read Karie’s most recent text message.

“Once you grab Icon, make your way to the Carver’s warehouse, south of the base. I’ll be waiting there for you. Once you’re there, tell it to power itself off for the time, and come inside,” The message read.

Max pulled Icon out of his pocket, and Icon transformed herself into a physical being.

“Wazzup admin, need me to break some locks?” Cheered Icon.

“No,” Max said “Just right now, I need you to power off for a little bit. Can you do that?”

“You mean all the way off?” Shot Icon. “Why would I need to do that?”

“Yes, because,” Max paused. “We’re heading through a checkpoint. They have a device which could find, and hijack you. But it only works if you’re powered on.”

“Hmm,” Icon contemplated, staring into Max’s soul. “Makes sense! Sure, gimme a second.”

Icon transformed into her cubical shape, closed her eyes, and stopped moving.

Max gave a sigh of relief, and picked up Icon.

“Right now, right time,” Max assured. “And sleep.”

Max returned the sleeping Icon to his backpack.

Max walked further, and stumbled upon a set of doors. Upon opening, he saw a wide, clear room, with Karie standing by the back, tapping her foot on the floor.

Max ran closer.

“Max, it brings me the most sincere joy to witness you,” stated Karie. “Do you have the Icon?”

“I do,” Chirped max. “But Karie, I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

“Then speak your concerns within a short time frame, we do not have a lot of time,” said Karie, looking towards a window. “They are coming.”

As the increasing sound of helicopters arose across the distance. Max gulped, thinking back to how he opened up his phone.

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but Icon can feel emotions! She feels sadness, and empathy!” Bolted Max. “She’s human too, and we can’t just kill her!”

“It,” shot Karie, pausing. “You have fallen into its trap, haven’t you?”

“It’s no trap, just talk with her before we commit to this,” Max replied. “Let's be 100% sure, before we do it.”

“I am very sure,” Said Karie, frozen. “Would you like to know what this creature has done to me?”

“What?” Said Max.

Karie reached her hand out, whereupon the hand unwinded, turned bloody, and cubical. As Karie’s scars became visible for Max to see. Karies hand expanded, before Karie’s flesh dripped cleanly off the hand, leaving behind a skeletal, blood soaked husk behind.

“What the hell!” Max yelled, stepping back.

“It did this to me, Max.” Cursed Karie, stepping forward. “I discussed how I wished to destroy this fowl abomination, yet I never told you why, nor how I intended on committing to such a grandiose ambition.”

“Slow the hell down!” Yelled Max. “Are you even a human being? Is that why you talk like that? You’re a robot?”

“I’m the dissociated strain,” Said Karie. “To destroy an Icon, you need a dissociated strain of equal power. And you see, I have a long history with this icon, for this creation consumed me, and left a dying husk behind, fit only to burn.  I know you think it is a friend, but it is just a mask. It consumed me, and it will consume you. But I will not let this happen to you, I will burn, for I am the only combustible product with the power to burn it. When I, the dissociated strain, eventually meet this creature, we will commence an annihilation vector, where both sides will be dissolved…”

“I don’t know what happened to you, but we can’t kill an innocent being,” Said Max. “She clearly doesn’t know what she is!”

“Do not riddle me with details, Max,” Karie said with a burn in her voice. “I shall put this to a resolution, now!”

Karie leaped forward, and her hand extended like clay, surging for Max’s backpack. Max thrusted back, and Karie firmly grasped the backpack. A tornado of flesh erupted from Karies hand, which consumed the bag, leaving only Icon in Karie’s hand.

Icon, in cube form, lay dormant in a recharging rest. Karie squeezed Icon, causing Icon to beam to life.

“Max, are you touching me again?” Said Icon, looking up to meet Karie’s eyes. “Uhh, who are you?”

“I am your executioner,” Said Karie, her eyes beaming.

“What?” Icon whimpered. “Max, what is going on?”

“Icon!” Max blurted.

Karie’s hand split open, and began melting to Icon’s skin. The merger looked as scenic as a butcher performing surgery.

“Max!” Icon said, the full weight of the situation falling on her. “So this is why you brought me here, you’re betraying me?”

Icon fell from Karies hand, trying to transform into her physical being. Karie’s flesh was now melting halfway into Icon’s being.

“Take a step back Max, this will end today!” Said Karie, beginning to smile.

Around the warehouse, the sound of helicopter blades grew blunt and persistent, with the sounds of shouting sprinkled upon the noise. Around them, the clumping of feet became echoing down the halls of the warehouse.

“Attention, we have the building completely surrounded. We all know how this is going to end,” said a commanding siren, from outside the building. “Place your hands above your head and walk out slowly!”

“No!” Yelled max, reaching for Icon’s hand. “Icon’s just like us, Karie, release her!”

Icon transformed to her bipedal form, trying to escape, yet she found herself evermore dragged closer to Karie’s mass by an invisible weight. Finally, Icon reached for Max’s hand, clutching it.

“Max!” Icon asserted. “Please, stop this!”

Between Icon and Karie, a void opened. A black abyss, like a back hole, ringed with a solid, burning, yellow glow. With air and debris beginning to drain inside the hole. Icon and Karie began being pulled by this strange abyss.

Icon looked back, terrified.

“Max, do something!” Yelled Icon.

“I’m sorry Icon!” Max stood perplexed, as his grip began to let go.

“No!” Yelled Icon, as her hand began to fall. 

Icon threw herself out of Karie’s grasp one last time, throwing Max to the ground, and Icon grasped ahold of his legs as she shrank further back. Clenching Max tightly, she spread her plague to Max’s skin, melting it to his torso.

Suddenly, the doors behind them broke open, and an army of secret service agents ran into the room, before halting at the sight before them. Icon and Karie now began fusing, as a bright, immense yellow light consumed the room. The screams of Max, Icon, and Kaire being downed out the burning oblivion which now enveloped the room. All combelesing into a single, black hole, which grew into existence as Icon and Karie merged, which was adorned with a three pronged symbol, with a diamond in the middle.

Yelling spread throughout the room. The brightness was too thick to make out the world around them, and an obnoxious sound of wind fluttered throughout the room, drawing out all noise, as the black oblivion of the solution consumed all.

Karie’s laughter was drowned by the flowing air, and her body disappeared beneath the yellow glow of the solver’s flair.

Max’s legs turned to cubes, before being stretched into the Solver’s stomach. Max gulped, before his grab was exhausted, his body falling into the Solver yellow, consuming, black hole, his being was ripped to atoms, assimilated Max into a new entity.

Max, Icon, and Karie, were not alive, nor dead. They were now pieces, or files, within an all-powerful, Absolute Solver fabric.

Act 2: The recovery.

The helicopter's blades spin with a passion, as it drives determinedly on its path. Behind it followed 6 other helicopters, filled to the brim with armed agents and soldiers. But in the front helicopter there was Hans Bonin, and Cleo. Hans had been working with Refonic for some time, yet this was a job he never had to take on before, one far more personal. Containment breaches were not a new job for Hans Bonin, as his team, yet never had it taken them this far from region headquarters, nor was it ever this personal for the top scientist. Icon, the mother of all internecion AI, had been stolen by a low life teen, and all attempts to collect him met with disaster. Cleo, a top scientist for Refinic’s internecion ai program, and the head of internal containment, nearly recaptured the AI when this Teen, who sources said was named “Max”, ran a fowl of two thieves, who briefly stole Icon. Max then turned on his phone for a time long enough for the Feds to trace it, and Max was converged upon by an army of agents. Yet, Cleo allowed Max to slip through her hands, as she mistook Crow and his pet for the true thief, and so Max slipped away.

But for all this concerned others, it did not concern Hans as it did who Max was talking to. When they traced his phone call, they found it was none other than Hans Bonin’s own daughter, Karie, who had coordinated his escape. When Hans learned about this, he immediately returned home to confront his daughter, yet found she was nowhere to be found, leaving nothing but her guilt.

Karie’s treachery had shaken his men’s confidence in Hans to the core, and though Hans did not see it, he could feel the eyes of his fellow staff, and his agents, peering into his back with suspicion whenever he looked away.

Now his men seemed to be taking orders from his subordinate, Cleo, more definitively then they did with him, even though Cleo had a level of controversy that Hans always kept in his conscience. In Times past, Cleo used to advocate for use of solver-mixtures, where they would burn a piece of Icon Ai with a dissociated strain, then use the burned fusion as a more powerful product to experiment on. Cleo’s words once made her the head of research for Solver activities, yet the sheer unpredictable nature of Solver-AI eventually forced Refinoc to shut down the program, demoting Cleo to a scientist within the Icon program, and the head of internal containment.

Even then Cleo was not always successful in her job, as an Icon ai escaped during the Refonic biowaste incident, nor when Max infiltrated and stole Icon, and not even when she captured Crow did she have anything to show for it.

Hans took a deep breath. There was no use in blaming poor Cleo for these, for this was a new piece of technology, and how was she supposed to know that steel, concrete, lead, and more, wouldn't be enough to hold it in place? Plus, Cleo was always a friendly face to Hans, always kind, always putting her back into her work, always there. And for 20 years of working for Refinoc, only 2 brakes of containment seems remarkably decent, given the nature of the AI they are working with. And given how eager Cleo seemed to help recapture Icon, and listen to Hans’s advice, Hans rested assured that if the agents around him trusted Cleo, then they would still listen to him, for he could still trust Cleo. Refinoc could fire him for all Hans cared for, so long as Karie was safe, then all was ok.

“Max opened his phone again,” Yelled Cleo, barely being heard over the helicopter. “He’s in Carver’s warehouse, just a mile away from our last coordinates!”

Max regularly powered his phone off, which made it hard for Hans to track them. Yet, for a brief moment, Max turned his phone on, which allowed them to track his phone once again.

“Fantastic!” Hans asserted. “Land there and surround the building, you and I will head inside with half of our team.”

Hans looked out the half open helicopter door. Cleo turned, and picked up a grey, metallic, industrial looking suitcase lying professionally by a seat. Both Icon, and any of its spawn, had potential to spread if not properly contained, and while there was only a small possibility of that happening, it was best obtained in a secure holder anyway.

“We don’t have much time,” Hans said, as he saw the warehouse approach on the horizon.

The helicopters landed with a thud, and outside came a swarm of agents and security personnel, all armed with guns and basic armor. The first 3 helicopters surrounded the building, before landing and spreading out their ranks of soldiers. The final 3, and the helicopter Hans was in, landed on the road and a patch of open ground in front of the warehouse itself.

““Attention, we have the building completely surrounded. We all know how this is going to end,” said an agent, on a loud, overarching speaker. “Place your hands above your head and walk out slowly!”

The aircrafts offloaded their personnel, who soon made their way to the doors. On a count of 3, the doors were broken down, and the squad moved into the building, weapons drawn. Cleo and Hans entered behind them, with Hans moving at a faster, determined pace.

Outside the warehouse the scene was quiet, and inactive. Yet inside the warehouse it was another world. The team heard an ever growing sound of wind, and the echo of yells and lemants vibrating down the halls.

“Max, do something!” The voice echoed.

“I’m sorry Icon!” Another voice answered.

The team pressed forward to the source of the noise.

“Just remember to take them alive!” Hans asserted pitifully.

Through the rooms and endless junk, and down the hallways, the squad cleared the way until they reached a final set of doors. The windows of these doors were foggy, yet a slight yellow glow illuminated through this glass. Upon breaking them, the squad entered a lively and disturbed setting.

“Freeze! Put your,” an agent roared with decreasing momentum “Hands…” 

The agent became dead silent, as the agents around him stood in awe, blank in fear.

Behind the agents first came Hans Bonin, running in with the crowd of agents. And finally, Dr. Cleo marched in slowly and cautiously, behind the mass of agents, her hands behind her back.

The room was tinted with an ever growing yellow light, and the complexions of 3 beings made themselves clear to Hans and his team. The three figures formed a line away from the door, and between the farthest two beings were separated by an ominous, black disk, outlined with yellow, with a 3-pronged symbol in the middle.

“Oh no…” Hans thought. “We're too late.”

Before Hans was first Max, binded to the floor by a large, metal hand. His finger’s scratch the floor in an attempt to escape its grasp, with his legs being folded, turned to cubes, and finally stretched outward like a cubed and soft clay. His screams were agony to the team.

Behind Max was a shorter figure, Icon. Its body was metallic and white, with purple hair, and large, worm-like arms, stitching out wildly, with one grabbing Max’s torso. The being was stretched horribly, as it was pulled into a central mass, its entire body was either consumed by cubes, or strung into the black hole’s mass.

Behind Icon was another figure, almost overshadowed by the growing yellow light. Hans squinted his eyes, and he saw Karie, nearly consumed by the mass.

“Karie, no!” Hans yelled, reaching for the light.

An agent ran up behind him, and grabbed Hans from behind.

“Doctor! I can’t let you pass," said the agent. “You’ll be dissolved!”

“Let me go,” exclaimed Hans. “That’s my daughter! I won’t let it consume her!”

“You’ll die, doctor,” quipped the agent.

“I don’t care,” blurted Hans. “I outrank you, get off me!”

“Keep hold of him.” Said Cleo, walking up to the mass. “Remember that the government ordered you all to seek our protection.” 

“Dammit!” Said Hans. “I outrank her! Let me go!”

“But not the government, " said the agent, forcing Mr. Bonin down.

Hans began crying, as he was restrained.

Back at Icon, Max’s skin glinted with cubes and burns. He began to scream, as Icon’s assimilation began. His echoing pleas finished, with a burning light, which assimilated his being into Icon’s database. His final visage turned to black, as it disintegrated into Icon’s hand.

“Karie, please!” Hans yelled. The rest of the agents stood back in awe.

Icon fell to her knees, as the black hole’s pull was too great to resist. Karie, meanwhile, began laughing. As her being was turned gradually into pieces. Pulled into the solving mixture of the dissociated strain, and Icon.

The yellow glow of the black hole burned to a climax, as Icon and Karie moved closer. Icon slumped, accelerating into the black hole, accepting defeat, as Karie’s laughter grew to a peak. Just then, the immense light became blinding, and the sound of wind grew ear shattering, drowning out Karies’s laughter. As both Karie and Icon disappeared into the light’s burning visage. Replaced by the distinct yellow glow of the solution’s symbol.

Suddenly, the light retreated in a heartbeat, and Karie and Icon were nowhere to be seen. Before the startled federal agents, there was a small, steaming pile of flesh, and sitting atop it was a soft, cube-like shape, with the message “Null” slapped onto most of its sides, and a strange symbol, of a pentagon encircled by a 3 sided star, with arrows pointing off the arrow’s end, sitting on the top side. It was as quiet as a dying fire.

The agent let go of Hans, whereupon Hans ran up to the black and yellow cube.

“Karie,” Hans lamented. “My little girl, my angel…”

Hans crumbled his hands into fists.

“You were all I had left,” Hans whimpered. “You can’t leave me like this.”

 “I’m sorry for you, sir” suggested the agent. “But please, back away, it’s still dissolving, and best you don’t stand too close.”

Hans began sobbing.

“You know, Doctor, there is still another way…” Said Cleo.

The agent backed away, and Hans looked at Cleo.

“When Icon mixes with a dissociated strain, they will begin dissolving, it is true. Yet, before they dissolve, they’ll merge into a new AI, which, of course, dissolves without assistance. If we give it fuel, we will delay the dissolving process. The solution hasn’t fully dissolved yet, and we could fuel it, bring it back to HQ, and give it some research,” Cleo suggested. “We could find a way to break Karie back out of the solution, not all hope is lost.”

Hans stared downwards, yet his tear-soaked eyes looked to Cleo.

“But it’s never been done,” questioned Hans.

“True, we haven’t been able to do it with tests on small samples of Icon AI,” Said Cleo. “Yet this isn’t just a small sample, your daughter burned the Icon, mother of all the Icon AI, we’ve never had a sample this large before. If it is possible, this is our one time to research it.”

Hans looked at Cleo with suspicion.

“Hans, I’ve been at your side this entire time,” said Cleo. “I knew your daughter, I know how much you love her, I’ve never gone against you. Please, do this.”

“At my side?” Hans snorted, and buried his head. “You were in charge of security, yet you let it escape, and kill her!”

Cleo retracted her hand.

“You let Max steal it! It fell through your fingers every step of the way! And now you stop me from just trying to save her,” Hans asserted.  “It’s almost like you planned for her to die!”

“I…” Cleo breathed, taken aback. “Guards, leave us.”

The agents around them looked at each other.

“You heard me,” Cleo said. “We got this.”

The agents left with reluctance. Cleo looked at Hans with a sprite in her eyes.

“I did that for her, Hans,” Said Cleo. “Remember back to the Biowaste incident? Well I knew she got assimilated on that day, and I knew we couldn’t release her…”

Hans peered at her with suspicion.

“Yet,” Karie continued. “I forged those papers saying she was able to be released.”

“Why?” Hans demanded, after a short silence. “If we knew then maybe we could’ve helped her!”

“Helped?” Cloe exclaimed. “No, killed.”

Cleo looked at the burning mass on the floor.

“If I told the truth, Refonic would’ve killed her.” Cleo said, unemotionally. “Refonic is a Federal corporation afterall, and we know the government would have silenced her, or worse, locked her away to be an experiment. Instead, I gave ten long years of beautiful life to this sweet, innocent child.” 

“You did that for her?” Said Hans.

“Yes.” Cleo said quickly. “And I can do it again, all you need to do is order them to recover this being, and she will live.”

Hans paused, and looked forward to the burning mass in front of him.

“Go ahead,” Hans said. “But God be good, if you fail, you will be sorry.”

“Wise choice, and you don’t have to worry, the Solution is in good hands.” Cleo said. “Now, I know you must have a great deal on your hands, go rest, I’ll handle this.”

Cleo Opened her suitcase, and pulled out a pair of metal thongs. Hans turned, and begrudgingly headed for the door. Cleo waited, until the door behind her shut with a loud thud.

“Now,” Said Cleo. “My little experiment.”

Cleo moved in closer to the solvent.

“Well Karie, you got your demons, but didn’t get the devil,” Cleo gloated. “You played your part well, you got your vengeance, and now I have the tool to make mankind into Gods.” 

Cleo grabbed the solution with the metal extenders, and raised it to her eye.

“I don’t know if you’re in there anymore, but I suppose it doesn’t matter,” Cleo toyed. “Either way, I know there's at least one being in this solution.”

Cleo smiled, and removed the solution from her eye, gazing upon it majestically.

“Oh, my little solution,” Cleo whispered. “You are small now, just as your reactant was. But much like her, you will grow.”

Karie put the solution within the suitcase, and inside a convenient space, surrounded by material.

“Karie might’ve thought you would just  solve Icon, and I suppose that’s true. But you will solve far more than one AI” Cleo gloated silently. “It might not happen in my life, or maybe in a thousand years, but one day you will prove to be an absolute solver of the flaws of mankind.”

Cleo let out a slight chuckle, as she put the solver firmly into the suitcase. Fixing herself, she walked to the door, with her suitcase, like rope being brought to a gallows.

One way or another, Cleo knew her invention would make mankind see the glory of Gods.

[sweetlittletangerine]

Why Queenie Exists or something

Hey there! So I don’t really know how to put together this theory in a cohesive way and I made this for fun, so keep that in mind if I jump around a bit.

But I’ve had this theory for a long time now, and the fact Kinger is one of the two characters getting major focus in the next ep has just hyped me up even more. (Guess who my favorite is you’ll never guess it.)

So… as a not-so-normal Kinger fan, there’s a certain someone else who’s been rattling around in my brain for a while too.

Yes. She.

My theory is about why she even exists in the first place from a narrative standpoint. I have many other theories but this one feels like one of my most concrete ones (imo ofc), So I thought I’d share it before ep 3 comes out, even if it won’t come out for a while. I mean, it’s very possible this is the ep we learn about her since I don’t think she’s gonna be very relevant for any other character’s stories outside of Kinger.

ANYWHO time to get to the theory itself.

So let’s start off with one question. (Well it’s two, but same deal.) Why does Kinger get a look-a-like? Why not the others? Hell, Gangle exists and she has the whole ‘comedy tragedy mask’ thing going on.

Well it’s simple, he’s been there the longest. I personally don’t believe he’s the first player to join the game, but he’s been there the longest out of our main cast (Of humans). So naturally, that brings up another question… how did he last so long?

This is where Queenie comes into play. She’s important in understanding why Kinger hasn’t abstracted yet, which would tell us, the viewers, how a person can prolong their abstraction.

So for starters, I 100% believe without a doubt the reason these two look so similar is because they entered the circus at the same time. This means they started off with the same level of “girl where tf am I” When they arrived.

Second, when you compare and contrast their appearances, you realize that their differences… don’t actually affect how their bodies function. (Assuming the bottom half of Queenie is like Kinger.) So, they also came into the game with the same body when it comes to how they work. They had to adjust to the same new features in the same environment.

So when you combine these two factors, they were basically given the same tools to work with to survive (for as long as they can).

But the most important part of this… is their personalities. I love the theory that the chess pieces they became are tied to their personalities, with people connecting how Kinger’s personality relates to the role of the king in chess. (For those that don’t know, the king is the weakest piece and the queen is the strongest.) People have used this as a base to figure out who Queenie could’ve been. But if this is true then that wouldn’t be all. When you think about the role and power of each piece, you realize they’re opposites. So the bottom line here is that they’re very different people.

This impacts how they process and adapt to their new environment. And this is why Queenie abstracted and Kinger hasn’t. Some people truly are more adaptable than others in the circus. Queenie couldn’t handle the place as well as Kinger, making her lose her mind and abstract first.

Hell, we can already see something about Kinger’s personality that could’ve helped him out. I think the fandom (including myself) overestimated how much of a scaredy cat he is. The more I think about it, the more I realize that he’s not afraid of the adventures. He’s afraid of the circus itself, which is probably tied to his trauma.

(I’m aware it’s only been two episodes, but the only time we’ve seen him panic during an adventure is when an abstracted Kaufmo entered the Gloink Queen’s nest, suddenly making the adventure way more dangerous.)

You could argue he’s so chill on them because of experience, learning that at the end of the day if someone gets hurt or lost, Caine can snap his fingers and bring them back to normal. There’s pain, but no serious harm.

However, maybe he learned this a lot sooner than we think, back when he was adapting to his digital life. He internalized the fact that he’s not going anywhere sooner/better than Queenie, and was able to ‘go with the flow’ better than her. Who knows, maybe Queenie avoided going on adventures, (wink wink nudge nudge to a character Kinger is oddly fond of in the group), which gave her more time to think about her situation and mental state. The adventures are a surprisingly effective distraction from all of that.

If the story itself is supposed to focus on why the characters are the way they are, then it’s going to focus on the characters as individuals. And considering the fact Kinger and Zooble’s characters are heavily tied to their identities, that’s probably going to be one of the main themes of ep 3. So it makes sense that the reason Kinger lasted longer is tied to who he is and how he copes with the world around him (both now and back then.) This would, by extension, explore the fact that Queenie was her own person too, and now that that person is gone. The abstracted characters were all people, people who lost themselves as they went mad, leading to their inevitable abstractions.

So uh, I guess that’s all for now. Posting things online scares me so idk if I’ll post more things like this, but I might. If you read through this whole thing, then thanks!

Back into the pit I go

[mysteriawrites]

Hi lovely, thank you for doing a trade with me! Below is my info, and I’ll request a male match from Genshin Impact, please! If you need anything else let me know.

- Gender: Cis female, she/her

- Zodiac: Aquarius

- Appearance: 5’4, light blonde hair & green eyes. I’m toned/muscular, but still pretty skinny. I have tan skin from living on the coast my entire life, and freckles on my nose and shoulders.

- MTBI: ENFJ-A

- Enneagram: 8w7

- Personality: Confident, outspoken, sociable, logic-driven. High self esteem & self worth, independent. I’ve been told (& I agree) that I speak with a very sharp and blunt tone that comes off rude and sarcastic, even if I’m not trying to be. I try to have a lot of patience, but it often does not work. Flirty, sometimes without realizing, but also just because I really do enjoy attention. Talkative & hyper at times. Physically cannot sit still for more than 20 minutes.

- Likes: Music, dance, writing, modeling, meeting new people, the beach, parties, planning events, learning.

- Dislikes: Complaining (especially when the person is doing nothing to try to fix their problem), people with no regard for those around them, bugs, weird food textures, stubbornness, unnecessary things

- Giving love language: Gifts (usually just small things that I see when I’m out, like their favorite snack at a gas station)

- Receiving love language: Physical touch (Generally, I hate being touched. Cannot stand it. It takes me a long time to get comfortable enough with someone for touching, but when I do I enjoy it. Only at certain times, though, because there will be times I don’t even want to be touched by whoever I’m dating.), Words of affirmation (I get incredibly insecure in relationships, lots of past issues, so fun. Consistent reassurance is definitely needed because I get an attitude)

- Extras: I am a model & my income comes from booking shoots. I have naturally curly hair. If it’s in the arts, I can do it (singing, art, instruments, dance). I have been a dancer and cheerleader since I was 2, so about 18 years. I have PNES & have seizures when I am too stressed out. I go to the gym & work very hard to maintain my image and keep my face and body healthy to maintain modeling

Thanks so much for doing the trade with me. DRUMROLL PLEASE!!!

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

KAEYA!!!

I think you and Kaeya would be a rather interesting couple. He would be able to see past your blunt exterior and see not just a confident, strong, and powerful woman, but also a soft heart that has her own doubts and struggles as well.

No one knows 100% how you and Kaeya met, maybe at a tavern, maybe at a party, who knows. However since then you and Kaeya have had this sort of rivalry going on.

By day you were a beautiful dancer who would perform in taverns and town square of monstadt, but by night you were a vigilante. A masked heroine of the night who tried her best to take care of the crimes and problems of the town that the knights couldn’t.

Every time Kaeya came to take care of a problem around town or catch a criminal you would already have wrapped things up long ago and be on your way out. Every time before you made your escape you would share some flirty banter.

One night you were overviewing the town from the rooftops when you heard footsteps behind you. You whipped around ready to fight off whoever it was, when Kaeya stepped out of the shadows.

You two ended up talking for hours up there until you heard a cry for help down below. Before you took off to go take care of it he asked if you guys could keep meeting up there, and you agreed.

And so every night you two would hang out and talk on the rooftops of Monstadt. Sometimes you guys would talk, sometimes you would have dinner together, and sometimes you two would just sit and silence and watch the stars until there would be a call for help, or if it was a quiet night then it would last till sunrise.

One night Kaeya was waiting for you in your usual spot. Tonight was an odd night because you weren’t there yet. Normally you were always the first one to get there, even when he left early, so the fact that you weren’t here set off red flags. Then he smelled it: smoke.

He took off in the direction of the black clouds to see a house set a blaze in Springvale. He dashed towards the disaster to help in whatever way he could. Amongst the crowd he heard that the famous masked crusader had gone in to save a few people who made it out safely, but the hero had yet to return.

Using his cryo vision Kaeya frantically made he was through the flames in search for you. He had to hurry as the house was falling down around him. Even if he put the fires out it was too much. Just when he was about to give up hope heard small coughs coming from the room in front of him. He dashed for the knob to find you surrounded by a sea of fire and unconscious.

When next you woke up you were in the healing ward of the church, your arms covered in bandages, a patch on your head, a raging headache, but most important at all no mask. In a panic frenzy you tried to remove yourself from the bed when you realized that next to you sat a sleeping Kaeya holding your hand protectively.

He stirred awake at the motion, looked up at you and smiled at the fact that you had awoken. He that after he saved you the nuns had worked tirelessly to save you (smoke inhalation go brrrr) and not to worry about them knowing your identity because he had removed you mask earlier (so you could breathe easier) and didn't tell them your identity.

After you two had reached a moment of silence Kaeya had admitted that he was terrified of losing you. When he found you in the fire barely breathing, he realized that he didn't want to live in a world without you. He said that he wouldn't waste time anymore. He asked you if you would go out with him, and you said yes.

And now you two have a happy playful relationship and are now both officially part of the knights of Favonius saving lives every day.

Sorry this took so long but I hope you like it.

[decadentworld]

Hi, thank you for reaching out. It means a lot to me especially because this is something I enjoy doing. I like learning about people and their behaviors and their opinions. I have a lifestyle that makes it complicated to reach out to others and have honest discourse.

I ask very open ended questions. Some of the questions may feel like they have little direction on how to answer them but I hope to get some great results with them.

In person I am really friendly, but for some reason I can come across kind of robotic on the computer. I believe the main reason for that is I became a customer support agent and use to answer emails from people all day. My literal requirement was to answer 100 emails to all sorts of emails so my typing became very...tense. I am unlearning some habits so that I may have my writing reflect my personality better. If something comes across cold please know that I don't mean to offend or trigger. You are free to not answer any questions that result in that emotion and I want to apologize if anything I say upsets anyone. It may be helpful to read through all of the questions before responding or only choosing to answer ones that you read and instantly want to rant about. I want whatever answers you have to give. Don't hold back on opinion or page numbers :)

If you want to be anonymous I am A-Okay with that friend. I would still like you to answer the questions honestly. Please leave out any information that you feel would unveil you mask.

So on to the questions.

Would you be willing to share a little background about yourself? I am interested in what you would share when asked to describe yourself in terms of a person being interviewed about art. What background information do you think relevant to this interview?

Do you do art purely as a hobby or work or a mixture of both? If you do sell your art what is the price range of your work? You can be general here. I am looking for brackets of what type of artists I am working with.

What type of mediums do you work in? Do you stick to certain genres or themes? Are there any the frustrate you but you still enjoy the process and end result?

What compels you to work on art?

Do you have a process in how you get yourself set up to work on art?

When do you consider a piece done?

Do you seek out other artists to befriend? How do you interact with other artists?

What hot topics are making you excited in the art world?

Is there anything new in the art world you would like to share with other people?

Do you consider the environmental impact that art has on the world? This can be in general or your art specifically. Please consider that if you are a digital artist you have an impact with electricity types and server usage.

These next set of questions might trigger those sensitive to AI.

What is your opinion on AI?

If AI is here to stay, do you think there will ever be a happy medium between AI usage and artists?

It has been suggested that some companies use AI but hire artists to train them. If a company approached you with a business model where you create assets for a hypothetical project but then wanted to use those assets to also train an AI "artist" so they could continue to create with your style, what would your response be?

What if you were paid royalties? Does your answer change?

I may come up with more questions but I am going to start off with these. If you would like to be contacted with more questions for possible future editions of this please let me know. If you would like to be tagged in the article I write or DMed a copy please let me know that information as well. Again, thank you for taking the time out of your day to participate in something as random as this.

Helloooo! I’m so glad you reached back. I absolutely did not see your writing as cold or robotic at all! I actually thought it was very well articulated and straightforward, which I appreciate because sometimes I cannot understand questions very well :-)

Q & A time! (warning for some triggering topics)

Would you be willing to share a little background about yourself? I am interested in what you would share when asked to describe yourself in terms of a person being interviewed about art. What background information do you think relevant to this interview?

I think a person’s background is almost 100% of what makes up their person, isn’t it? My upbringing was very violent and I feel like this has influenced a lot of my art, be it the process, the results, and the themes or topics chosen. I was exposed to violence and thinly-disguised neglect as a child, and I turned to NSF-W and gore media as a sort of escapism when I was as young as 7. I can recognize now that that had a negative impact in my way of thinking. That combined with me knowing I was queer on the down-low from a young age didn’t really help my situation, so I would lash out in specific behaviors. I was the weird kid and I’m still a little bit convinced I might have some low level of autism, but I’ve never been one to self-diagnose. I was raised Evangelical but to my own shock I was never really one to Bible-thump onto others, even with how easy it was to fall down that alt-right rabbit hole. I think Tumblr had a lot to do with that. If I hadn’t found it in the moment I did, I’m afraid to think I’d be one of those right-winger youths we have nowadays. I went through the religion resentment phase for a long time but surprisingly I’ve found faith once more a couple of years ago, in a critical way of course. I love God but not the church, and I feel like most Evangelicals have lost the plot long ago.

I started drawing at a very young age, probably before I even had a conscience. I went through many phases. One of the most influential ones in my life was fantasy art, specifically dragonsonas. I remember it as being longer than it probably was, though. I went through the manga/anime phase. I went through the typical vent art phase, the literal one in terms of my then works being ‘what you see is what I mean’ pictures: edgy, gory, ‘I want to die’ messages all over the page, etc. I think from the moment I was like 16 and onwards I started focusing more on realistic human art. And I think my art might reflect my progress as a person in a way? I’ve evolved backwards, but not in a necessarily bad way. When I was young I acted an adult because I was forced to grow up too soon, but now I’m 25 and I act more like a kid because I’ve started finding the whimsy in life. I think my art might reflect that because I now draw the things that make me happy, not the ones that make me sad.

Do you do art purely as a hobby or work or a mixture of both? If you do sell your art what is the price range of your work? You can be general here. I am looking for brackets of what type of artists I am working with.

I do it as both a hobby and a side job, hoping one day for it to be more like a main job. The thing is I’m not famous enough yet lol, and I am open to suggestions of websites where you can find those kinds of work more easily.

My ranges vary wildly because I work with different styles, some of which will take me a lot longer than others. For reference my least expensive style starts at 40 USD but in a very near future I’m going to open a new, more accessible tier that’ll probably start at 25 USD. There is no definite maximum in the range I work because that will be defined by what the client wants me to do, but for reference my more expensive styles can start at +100 USD; the priciest thing I’ve been asked to do was 460 USD and it took me a bit less than a month. I’d work faster if I lived on my own though because I take so long due to all the things I’m made to do for others (a life I didn’t choose).

What type of mediums do you work in? Do you stick to certain genres or themes? Are there any the frustrate you but you still enjoy the process and end result?

I do all my work digitally, but a lot of the time I try for it to emulate a traditional medium, such as making a semi-realistic illustration look like an old oil painting. I used to work on paper and pencil but I found a lot more agility in digital mediums since I can’t really ctrl Z or distort a pencil drawing lol.

I typically like to draw humans and humanoids mostly because it’s what I’ve had more training in. I’m also getting more interested in interior design due to a better understanding of Blender and how you can use it to easily lay out the basis of an interior. As for themes I’m not really sure if there’s any recurring one. I guess if you could count NSF-W as a genre then that’s one I aim at more, lol.

I think any style or theme could be frustrating enough if you get to a tricky part you can’t advance in. I find that mostly one of my styles, which tries to emulate a “poster” or “Marvel comic” drawing is the more difficult one since it’s hard to place a black shadow in a way that doesn’t eat at important parts of the drawing, but the hard-worked result is what makes it worth it. In terms of genre or theme I think I’m kind of fried if I have to be creative and think up intricate designs, for fantasy characters and landscapes alike. I feel like my creativity in general started drying out some years ago.

What compels you to work on art?

Usually fandom and specific existing characters. I feel like that’s the one thing I’ve always looked forward to, since I was really young and found fandoms such as the Avengers. I’m not sure if it’s the want for a sense of belonging, the need to see an idea on paper, or both. I’ve had maladaptive daydreaming for the longest time, thinking about my favorite characters/fictional crushes as an escapism, and this is probably one of the ways I’ve had to turn that into actual scenarios and stories, which is why I also started writing at a young age. It’s stupid to me when people say fanart and fanfiction aren’t valid forms of media, because I think they’re a valid, low-stakes outlet you can have, both to give tribute to your fictional muses, and to improve your art in a way that no one can really critique, since you’re doing it for free and for the love of those characters.

Do you have a process in how you get yourself set up to work on art?

If it’s on a topic or a character/s that I don’t know then I’ll start looking for a lot of references, both appearance and information, especially if this is a commission, just in the case I’m being made to draw something against my terms of service unbeknownst to me. Actually, I’ll look for references even if I know the characters or subjects perfectly, because you never know if taking your last memory of them as reference can turn into a ‘broken telephone’ sort of situation.

When the general idea is laid down in my mind, I’ll open up Blender and set up a scene with OpenSource 3D models. Sometimes this might be time-consuming instead of just starting with a sketch but I find this helpful in order to find the perfect angle and ‘camera’ rotation, something that would be a lot harder to do from zero. After this the process will follow according to the style chosen and will most likely involve sketching 100% of the times.

When do you consider a piece done?

This varies a lot from work to work, but the timing is usually long, because I’m too much of a perfectionist. There’ll be a point where I think the piece can’t be improved any more, and at that point I’ll probably distance myself from my computer for some hours or maybe even a day and come back to the piece, to see it with fresh eyes. If the style is similar to a sketch then the process to the finish line won’t be that much of a problem because it’s a sketch after all, but I’ll pour all my effort when it comes to more complex pieces like a semi-realistic. I think my signature has the final word in it; after I’m done with all the possible FX and filters, when I put it in a piece it’s like putting the bow on a giftbox, it gives me a sense of finality.

Do you seek out other artists to befriend? How do you interact with other artists?

I have to admit that I don’t usually seek up people with the purpose of looking at their art or for them to look at mine. If I find art I like it’s probably because I got it recommended on a page or I was looking at specific fandom tags and a piece from that fandom caught my attention. But when I find artists I make sure to interact with their works and leave them nice words.

What hot topics are making you excited in the art world?

To be honest I don’t follow much of what’s ‘hot’, I usually just do my thing or what clients want to see. I’ve been tempted once or twice to recreate art trends just for the clout but I can never connect with them fully, I feel like it’s too artificial of me. But never say never because I might find one I like in the future.

Is there anything new in the art world you would like to share with other people?

Not exactly new but for those who use Paint Tool SAI and don’t know, there’s a SAI 2 version that’s been out since 2020 and it has a lot more cool features like rulers, perspective grids, Bezier curves in linework layers and more.

Do you consider the environmental impact that art has on the world? This can be in general or your art specifically. Please consider that if you are a digital artist you have an impact with electricity types and server usage.

Not really, unless we’re talking about AI, which I’ll state down below. In terms of what it can do for the world then I think there’s a lot of value in impact works that serve to bring awareness to environmental issues. I did a digital piece for a university assignment last year about the desecration of wetlands and it really stuck to a few of my relatives who weren’t even aware of that issue.

In terms of how digital work affects electricity, I would say it doesn’t, much. The amount of energy a person uses to draw something in their tablet can’t possibly equate to how much electricity big corporations use for their own nefarious purposes, and I feel like this is probably something they’ll use to guilt-trip us into lowering our own usage, just like they do with plastic straws for contamination.

These next set of questions might trigger those sensitive to AI.

What is your opinion on AI?

I hate it, and I can’t even resignedly accept it like I did with NFTs. One of the things I hate the most about it is how it’s changed the vision of non-artist snobs, who are now like “I could have easily made that in 5 seconds with Midjourney,” when you show them an amazing piece made by a real artist. It’s like they said: in the future we’ll build robots to do our jobs so we can make art, but it’s now the future and they’ve built robots that make our art and we still have to do our jobs.

I wouldn’t hate it so much if it was only public domain paintings that were fed into it, or drawings from people who were paid and consented to it, but they had to go and steal hard-work from people and they still have the gall to call those amalgamations ‘theirs’.

I think it won’t stay for too long, though. One of the deterrents of AI even snobs can’t deny is how much electricity and water it consumes. Not even a session, but a single command consumes as much as dumping a bottle of water on the floor or something like that. Over time whoever runs those servers won’t be able to, anymore.

If AI is here to stay, do you think there will ever be a happy medium between AI usage and artists?

I personally don’t think so. I think any self-respecting artist wouldn’t want to get associated with that. Some people try to start the argument that for example being against AI is ‘ableist’ because AI helps people with physical disabilities with the process of their art, except it’s not like that. I’ve seen people without any limbs drawing with their mouth and while I believe comparison is the mind-killer, I think this argument is just plain stupid, because AI isn’t helping you. It’s creating for you, and that’s what has people so angry. It’s not a tool, like 3D posing programs to get pose references, or automatic perspective grids to make the process faster, or the likes of those. I don’t think there’s any value in just stating your idea and just letting something else create it for you, unless it’s to hire a real artist who can see your vision and who you can bounce ideas off of.

It has been suggested that some companies use AI but hire artists to train them. If a company approached you with a business model where you create assets for a hypothetical project but then wanted to use those assets to also train an AI "artist" so they could continue to create with your style, what would your response be?

No, I don’t think I will. I know that styles don’t ‘belong’ to a person in particular, but regardless of that, like I said, I don’t think any real artist would want to go through that. It just serves to perpetuate the idea of AI ever staying for good.

What if you were paid royalties? Does your answer change?

As much as I need money and as tentative as the idea could be, I wouldn’t, because it would be short-lived if I did. You get a hefty paycheck from a place like Outlier.ai for training their machine baby but have to walk out of it knowing you’d be appropriately ostracized by your fellow artists if your name ever came out of that site. And when the money runs out, what self-respecting client would want to hire you after knowing that?

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 1995 Well, someone’s either restless or jerking off. I heard the bed slam against the wall a few times.

Got some great news today in the mail. They finally read my pap smear and it’s clear! No cancer!

I saw another commercial on TV for a different 70s CD, but even though I used a different name, they’re not stupid. Chances are close to zero of it arriving.

I got my parents' package today. There was a too-big and not-too-impressive sweatshirt, but a perfect-fitting and impressive skirt. The skirt is of denim with chiffon at the end in shades of brown with a matching chiffon belt. I got an address book and hair clips. I got seashells and flowers in shades of pink that hang on the wall and a fancy face mask too. The mask was egg white and the eyes are lined in green glitter. The lips are of red glitter. One eye forms into the shape of a swan. Not the eye itself, but the green glitter. Then, across the face are shades of yellow and brown glitter. The face has pearls around it and around that is white and gold lace. At one side of the face is a red satin flowery bow with a yellow ribbon. Then there are two small feathers. One in pink and one in purple.

Andy called Stevie’s house earlier. I spoke to a woman whose voice he said he didn’t recognize. I said I was Lisa Salero and wanted advice on an album I’m making. She told me to call back tomorrow saying she had out-of-state company.

Later…

Yup. So far Tom’s at his game of you know what and I’m almost certain he won’t want to screw today. How do I feel about it? Well, I’ve actually got my mind more on the shopping we’re gonna be doing in 1½ hours from now.

I was right, though. He had to have read Journal 100. Otherwise, there’d have been no way he’d have touched me last month when he was supposed to “think” I was mid-cycle. He knows I really am mid-cycle today.

I also figured out why he’s so obsessed with putting stuff back in different positions. I wonder what took me so long to figure it out, too. I already figured out why he wants me to either wait for him to do certain things or to see that he’ll never do them. That’s to get me used to not getting things.

Like I’m not already?

The reason, or the message, I should say, that’s behind his moving shit around is that you can’t always have things your way. In other words, you can’t have a kid.

Again - as if I didn’t already know!

I’m surprised this trip means a lot to him in May cuz it’s an excuse to not do things, but I’m also surprised, too. Usually, people don’t really care so much about people’s families, but he is really psyched up about meeting them. He gives off a sense about it, rather than saying so. The only thing about it is that I can see in him something very familiar. He’s gonna kiss their asses. No matter how mean or nice they were to me. What is it with people siding with and reacting this way around my family? And how did my family come to obtain such power and persuasion over those I know?

No mail from Bob, so he’s probably busy fantasizing about Kim. How can anyone lust for her as he does? She’s got the same lousy shape I do; only it’s a bigger and more exaggerated version of it. Also, her face is so plain; almost ugly, and her hair’s gross. Nothing but short, kinky and frizzy.

Later…

Got two new spiral journals today which will probably be used for my story. We looked in a paper supply store for stuff to make journals, but we didn’t find what we wanted. I also got two canvases and my brush cleaner. It’s something different than Turpenoid, though, and it stinks.

I didn’t mention yet how Tom teased me twice today with both the issues of sex and a kid. I figured he would, though. He’s so predictable. I just went along with it, though, which is all I can really do. When we returned from shopping he said there’d be no time for sex today, even though he expected it. Right! If he wanted to, there was plenty of time this morning, and when he gets home if I’m still awake yet he cries no opportunity. Who does he think he’s kidding?

In the car, I said I was sorry if my being hyper was obnoxious. Then he goes on about demonstrating good behavior for this kid we’ll never have.

He says he’s committed to being neat if I quit smoking for this fictitious baby and I’m so sick of his lies, sick of his games, sick of his teasing and I just wish he’d leave me the fuck alone about the kid. If he’s gonna be too scared to plant the seed, then I want nothing to do with the subject. I’m at the point now where I may write about it, but couldn’t care less to discuss it with him. It’s pointless.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 1995 I’m trying to stay up as long as I can so I can go out tomorrow.

Got a check for $30 from my in-laws. I called Mom and Dad S to thank them for my birthday money. I told them I’d probably get Turpenoid, canvases, and journals.

I called my parents too, and as I kind of figured, the package they just sent isn’t my birthday present. The birthday present package will probably come today and I know there are clothes in it cuz Ma asked, ��Does it fit?” thinking I got that.

I wasn’t horny today so it was fine with me that Tom was more into his TV this morning. Who knows if I’ll be horny tomorrow, but Tom knows I’m mid-cycle tomorrow. He hinted at sex, but in his mind, he may be thinking of getting the idea into my head, then backing out as part of his game.

I don’t know if I remembered to say so, but next door did repaint their house that same ugly brown. They did it last Sat. & Sun.

I spoke to Tammy earlier too, who had no real news to update me on, good or bad.

This shit with Bill has been a good way to save money on people’s birthdays or Chanukah and use the fact that there’s so much going on to get out of it. It’s true, though, that they are always on the go and need every penny they get.

I’m on page 47 of my story. If condensed to this size paper, it should already fill up one journal, unless I changed the size of the print.

Damn! I’m already tired.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1995 I’m listening to an old convo tape now of Bob and I gabbing. Now Andy and I are bullshitting the crisis center in Northampton.

Tom carved an elephant drawing of mine into wood and it really looks great. He mentioned a couple of ideas, too. One of them was to get an unfinished wooden jewelry box and carve my drawings into that. The other was to get unfinished cabinets in our next house and carve them into there. Cool. That’s the first time I ever heard him mention a new house.

Earlier he said he still feels our goals are inevitable, but this isn’t what he said a while back.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 1995 Just finished chatting with Andy, Quinn, and Jenny.

If Tom weren’t afraid to cum, I’d wonder about the psychic a little more. I’m mid-cycle this Thursday and ironically he’s off then and will be working Saturday. At the end of the month, there’s no work, so they make it up on a Saturday after the 1st of the next month.

I did a lot of work on my story earlier and still have much more to do with it. Still, I’ve got almost 40 full-size pages done.

Alex loves to snoop and investigate and I told him about Robin. Not the “haunting” details, though, and he says he’ll see what he can do. He mentioned talking to a couple of people.

Tom gave me a logical explanation for the deal that went down with the TV last night. He said that’s happened to him before. He says the voltage to the screen and the voltage to the sound is different and that there’s a bad component with the screen cuz it’s an old piece of shit.

In the shower earlier, I remembered I did have a dream premonition within the last year. It was a minor thing, but now I can’t remember what it was about.

The birds are now coming right up to the back door.

Later…

I got my parent’s package today and I must admit I was shocked and disappointed. Every so often she goes through her place and sends me stuff she doesn’t want. She sent me a couple of liquid foundations which were too dark and I don’t use. I only use powder foundation. She sent powder which I never use. She sent a disgusting-tasting toothpaste and Suave conditioner I never use. She sent lotion that’s kind of greasy and hair gel. The hair gel is OK. It’s good for poofing out my bangs and I can’t use hairspray cuz it makes me sneeze. They sent 4 flags. Two of them were nice, and of party balloons and of a floral print. Two were ugly. A pineapple and a mug of beer with a message saying: This Bar Is Open.

I’m gonna give those two flags to Mom S to use as she pleases or to give away. She sent two catalogs too, which I’ll give her and she can show David & Evie.

There’s a new musical flag they have that I really like.

Got a postcard from Kim from Niagara Falls. The Canadian stamp was 52¢. Damn!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 1995 Now is this weird, or what? Last night I zapped a doggie mug of water for coffee for 55 seconds. It didn’t even make it lukewarm. It was still cold. The second time I did it, it was fine, though.

Now, get this. Earlier I was watching TV when I went to turn it off. The sound went off, but the picture didn’t go out. Is Robin trying to say hi, or what?

Speaking of Robin, I’ve been dumb enough to resume my search for her. Tom just won’t help me. I’m on my own.

On AOL I left a message saying I tried to find her through former camp workers, didn’t know her name, and was therefore stuck. I instantly got a reply saying it may take time due to their high volume of requests, but that they’ll direct my request to the proper people.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 1995 As I was saying about how that TV dinner threw 3 pounds on me; I have such a slow metabolism now. In the past, that never would’ve thrown 3 pounds on me; I’d have stayed the same. There were even times I pigged out and then my weight dropped a pound or 2 afterward. It seems that something like a TV dinner throws 3 pounds on me and something like a bowl of cereal throws on 2 pounds.

Shortly after we arrived at Ma’s on Saturday, Mary came over, cuz we needed her car space to haul in the shower surround. Tom and Mom went to get it and Mary and I stayed at the house.

Tom’s family really is cool and lots of wonderful things really have happened to me over the last few years, as Tom and Mary pointed out to me and Mary said I got 80 more relatives since being out here. Then Mary was telling me how she used to think her family was too normal until she got to know Dave’s family. I told her that her family and mine are like the difference between night and day and that I understood perfectly well. We discussed how this kind of thing makes us not take a lot of things for granted and she also said something about my past troubles making me stronger.

Tom said he saw something about home classes for computer stuff for him and private investigating for me and that he might check into it. Yeah, but is this just another thing he says he’ll do, or will he really? He says, though, I don’t need a car and a gun to do this and that there are different kinds of investigators, and that I can choose my own cases. This sounds interesting.

I just hope that Mary will keep my secret. I told her that Tom feels the opposite of how I do, so that’s why he may not be too pleased with my discussing our struggles to conceive with her.

Tom was right about hearing stereo base way more often at Ma’s place. I must’ve heard it 10 times while I was there. It’s soooo obnoxious.

Ma had some carrots someone gave her that she gave us for Piggy and Bunny, but we forgot them. He’s over there now, so hopefully, he’ll take it home with him. He’ll also be getting groceries, checking into making the mugs up, and something to deodorize their cage here, cuz it stinks like hell with that rabbit.

Later…

I left Andy a message. I have no idea what he’s been up to these days. I told him we could probably chat tomorrow before he goes to work. I asked him if he ditched the message from that line or if he’s been listening to them and calling them at all. I told him I’ve been helping Lisa out and that we worked at Ma’s house yesterday, so I’ve been a bit busy.

I have to get working on his journal.

I started a letter to my parents, but that probably won’t go out till after the New Year or right before. I wish these stamps would hurry up and arrive. We need to get the bills out and I’ve got letters ready to go to Kim, Lisa, Becky and Sarah. After the holidays, it’ll be time to send a letter off to Larry. I wonder why I haven’t heard from him. Is he that busy? I guess so. This is what they always tell me. He’ll probably call me on my birthday.

I wonder what my parents will be sending for my birthday and to us for Chanukah and Christmas? My guess is that they’ll send money for my birthday and a package of stuff for us for Chanukah and Christmas. That seems to be how they usually do it.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1995 I wish I knew what the fuck was up. Yesterday I awoke at 100 pounds. By the end of the day I was 104, but I’ve hardly eaten! Like I said, my body’s acting like it did in the Navane days. Why? The only thing I can think of is that it’s got something to do with offing the Theo and upping the inhalers.

Yesterday turned out to be pretty good. Tom was fine and enjoyed his visit. He, his parents, and Mary were playing cards in the end.

Not only was Evie thrilled to get my letter and loved the drawings, but she said it came at the perfect timing since she just put her cat to sleep who was over 20 years old.

Tom and I were discussing ideas for Christmas presents for his family. One of them was an idea we had a long time ago to carve my drawings into wood. Another is to have me make a miniature lampshade and then he can find something to use for the body, and run a cord through it with a small battery. He has small light bulbs.

Tom’s in the bathroom now, then he’ll be putting hydrocortisone in my ear.

I’m shocked that he says KD Lang has an ugly voice. Just as shocked as I was when he told me I don’t sing properly.

I don’t? I know I’ve got some problems, but I’ve had some training and he said he could tell that. He says I could work on it. Well, I do, but I think he’s just saying this cuz I gave up on it due to not trusting him. Now he can’t make false promises about it since I refuse to do any work on it.

Last night after Tom went to bed, Andy called and treated me to Denny’s where I got a nice clear mug for my collection.

One suggestion he gave for his birthday in February was a toaster.

I told him about the doggie mugs in Old America and how I want to check Michelle’s book out that she has at the library. It’s a book interpreting dreams. I may not buy some of it, but I think it’d be neat to check out.

It was weird to us how this Denny’s was laid out just like the one in Chicopee was. The same as the one Tom and I went to around here.

Afterward, he came over here and was cracking up over Bob’s letters and misspellings. Especially over the table and chair thing and how he said, “It’s 1 AM. Would you like your massarge now?”

So, I gave him the letters I’ve copied so far, some envelopes and he taped some of his phone messages. I showed him some drawings, too.

Tom’s been really teasing with sex lately. Luckily my sparks for him are lower, otherwise it’d probably drive me crazy as well as hurt my feelings. Yesterday he wanted to do “something different.” All cuz I brought it up, of course, and to try to cover up how sex is for me only. He pointed out how he sometimes just goes down on me and takes care of me, so I did him with my hand before bed and when he got up. Of course, it was all just to get excited. Cumming in my hand is just as much of a no-no cuz that’d show all the more of how he’s anti-kid. I said he could take care of himself in the shower and he said that didn’t appeal to him. Well, no red-blooded human can stay built up so much, so I hope he has an awful lot of wet dreams. The only resource of relief he’ll admit to.

This is the 10th time I’ve jabbed myself with ink!

Robin must be back. I went to zap some water for coffee for a minute and it was still cold. After the second time, it was fine, though.

What in the hell are the people across the street having an outdoor party for at this hour? What is it with people and their front yards out here? All they use their backyards for out here is to store their dogs. I can hardly hear them, but I thought I heard a little boy, then an adult yell, “Hey!” I think it’s the house between the music people and Mr. Piggy.

I’m pretty sure the mother still lives in the music house and it seems more so that she and her son have no contact at all. Well, if they mend their ways or if he comes home, I hope it isn’t before we move.

Tom said despite his having a problem, his opinion is that we’re not going to a doctor. in ‘97. Oh, so after more than two years of this, he’ll be cured on his own one day before April of ‘97? His problem isn’t not being able to cum, it’s not admitting to not wanting a kid.

He makes it hard for me cuz everything always has to be just perfect and I’ve always got to really watch what I say. He tells me not to talk about it to not put pressure on him so he can relax and have more opportunities to work on it (he never had the opportunity), but his weird ways put pressure on me.

Earlier I asked if he’d spoil me. He said yes. Then I said I wondered what we were gonna do and he reminded me how he doesn’t like to plan it. Can’t I ever, though?

Then I said to myself, I know him. He’s gonna punish me by crying too tired. I beat him to it, though, by asking for a rain check, cuz I’ve got a lot of work I want to do and aren’t too horny at this time. Sure enough, he said that was fine cuz he was beat. I’m sure he is, though. He’s been up since 5:30 and he went to bed at 9:00. He waits, though, till he knows he’s gonna be too tired and goes and does computer work first.

No opportunity my ass.

But you see, if I bring up this to him or other things he does, he’ll do it more. It’s the opposite if I ask him not to leave the sink water dripping. Then he will keep leaving it dripping.

Here’s another thing that could happen with the doctor we’ll need if I can get him there. I don’t know if the doctor would do some procedure for us or just talk to us, but if he were to talk to us, that could be an advantage to Tom. Meaning, the advice the doctor gives us could take “time.” Lots of it.

I have other things to do now, so bye for now.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1995 I’m so pissed at Andy. We made plans for him to come over and he knows I don’t always get to the phone right away. Only 10-15 minutes after I returned his call about coming over, he made plans to go see Quinn so he could try for the millionth time to get him to have sex with him which he won’t. This brought a slew of memories of people’s false promises. Why do people have to promise shit they have no intention of doing? I sort of fibbed to Tom earlier, figuring he’s been wondering about this. Well, there’s no way I could get up the nerve and guts to tell Andy, Tammy or anyone I know the truth. They know I’m probably sterile, but I’ve never told them how Tom lied about a kid and says he wants one but is full of shit. They only know the problem is me which I’m sure is true. I told Tom that Andy put me on the spot by asking when we were gonna have a kid. I said I was silent, then he said, “You’re sterile, aren’t you?” I said I was silent again and that I was sure my silence spoke a thousand words and then I changed the subject.

The little bastard then laughed. He actually fucking laughed! It was just oh so funny to him. He’s lucky I love him like I do, or else I’d probably do to him what I would have loved to have done to Scott if the chicken shit didn’t run and hide. It takes a hell of a mean, insensitive, selfish fucking asshole to have laughed as he had the nerve to do.

Later…

I’m surprised Tom’s not home yet. He was gone at 2:00 when I got up and I thought he’d be back around 4:00. Maybe he’s doing it to be tired for sex. Yesterday he slept 9-10 hours, but wouldn’t touch me.

Speaking of sex - for the first time, something’s happening that I always wished would. I do not desire to have sex with him as much. Can you blame me, though? Who wouldn’t feel this way with someone who won’t fully respond to you? Plus, I may be used to false promises and accept he’ll never change, but he’s really hurt me. After I have sex with him (not oral) I accept the expected, but I still feel a surge of anger and hurt. Like the woman said, “As long as I give in to making him happy, I’ll never have a child.”

I still love him, though, and I would rather be with him with no child than without him. I guess it’s gonna take him seeing and understanding how I feel or a similar experience happening to him to get him out of denial and into the truth.

The other side of it is God who controls things like this. I don’t believe that saying rings true for everyone about him not giving people more than they can handle, but maybe for me, it’s very true. Look at my schedule problem. That and a baby could never mix without killing me. He and I know this. I feel really bad, though. I really wanted to go to their house today, but it’s out of my control. I just can’t fix or control my sleep/schedule problem.

Later…

Yes! I’m 100 pounds. I oughta be since I shit 3 times today. Will it last? Of course not. Within 2 days I’ll be back hanging out at a steady 104.

What in the hell is Tom doing over there for the 6½ hours I know he’s been gone? Definitely avoiding me, I’d say. My guess is they’re probably discussing Dad’s cancer, ways to help him and fixing things around the house. Maybe he’s discussing how broke we are hoping for a loan, but I doubt it. He’d probably feel it was bad timing due to Dad’s illness and I think that’d hurt his ego.

I realized I left Bob’s letter to Kim out which he could’ve seen. But would that bother him? I doubt it. This letter isn’t to me and what’s the difference between reading someone’s fantasies about another, versus seeing people screw on our porn video we got?

Later…

I just ate a TV dinner, seeing how I only ate 2 granola bars since I got up.

Andy called me from work and I told him to call me at 10:30 to see about coming over at around 11:00. He said if he doesn’t hear from his family by Sunday, he’s gonna write those letters. The ones giving them a piece of his mind. He asked me if I got over last night.

Yeah, I’m used to it. He said he really needed to get drunk to relieve his stress. Something he seldom does. No, he didn’t make it with Quinn. He said he didn’t really try.

I guess for now I’ll just sit and bitch and analyze life.

If I were to do a survey asking people, “What reason would you suspect to be the cause for if a guy could get hard enough to screw, but never came?” The answer from 95% of them would be fear of making a baby. Right now his excuses are money, his Dad, my teeth, and the bat mitzvah, along with several other reasons. After we deal with all this, a whole new set of excuses will be present. There’ll be something we have to do here or for someone else.

He said to me the other day he didn’t see why a 29-year-old didn’t have time. I do and if that’s the issue and if he wants to wait, why not say so?

There’s no way in hell I could ever make a move with the singing or any other big things. I don’t trust him. He’ll only let me down.

If he isn’t home between 9:30-10:00, I’m gonna be getting worried. Is he really trying to avoid me? If so, why? He hasn’t even called, so I guess they really are busy.

Later…

There are only two other reasons I can think of that may piss him off and make him want to stay longer, but I doubt it. At the end of Evie’s letter, I wrote, “You are very blessed to be able to have a child.” This is true, though, and I doubt she’d bring it up and put him on the spot not knowing he’s the reason why there’s no kid if all’s OK with me.

Since I let my folks know we can’t have a child, they seem yet even friendlier. I’m not surprised.

I doubt the second reason, cuz I really think he gets off on this, but maybe he read something in my journal that I wrote about him that he didn’t like.

I feel so bad about not being able to go, even though Tom said not to worry and that I can see them plenty of other times. I feel so alone right now. Somewhat punished, too. I tried to cry cuz that helps me to feel better, but the tears just wouldn’t come.

Still, I wish I were one of those who could feel God around me in a good way. The only way I believe that I could feel him would be to pray for something I know he’d grant. Like if I prayed for him to please keep me childless and on the cigarettes.

Something I just realized made me think he may really be avoiding me. He has to be up at 4:30 tomorrow, so, it’s getting late.

I think I just heard the garage door.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1995 One of these days I’ll send a surprise letter to Mom and Dad S. with drawings on the envelope.

Our weather’s been wonderful. In the mid-80s. It’s usually in the lower 70s at this time of year.

It sure is taking next door a while to prep for painting if that’s what they’re gonna do. I can’t tell. I hardly heard a peep from them. No hammering at all.

check Someone’s been calling but hanging up on the VM, so I called my parents. Ma said she’d leave a message if she needed to get ahold of us. They were on their way out to play bingo. Something we oughta do. They say they win every third time and play with about 150 people. They’ve won anywhere from $50 to $200.

They also say hi to Tom, and Ma hasn’t smoked for two mos.

Ma said for Dad to tell me how he screwed up. He forgot to wrap my birthday present in birthday paper and it’s just coming in a plain box.

So, that’s OK.

All I could get out of Dad about it was that it was a few things and something they knew I’d like. I can’t picture them sending journals ever again or for a long time, so I’d guess it’s gonna be along the lines of hair stuff, jewelry or clothes.

I wonder why it is that I haven’t gotten a call from the GYN yet.

Tom’s working overtime, he called to say, and probably won’t be home till 6:30 or 7:30. We need the money, but this is also probably his way of avoiding sex like he has been to pay me back for all I said on Sunday. I picked the best time to say it since my desire’s low cuz I just finished my period.

He wouldn’t go for giving me the kid if I quit, so if I quit it’d be for reasons I already discussed. Better health and money saved.

Speaking of periods, I’m having a weird vibe. I know I’ll be getting all my periods, so why can’t I see December’s period? I’m sure I will as I approach it.

I’m halfway towards my goal of about 100 pictures to sell. I’ve got 45 we picked out.

Later…

Tom got home at 7:00 and as I figured he didn’t touch me. He was affectionate, though. He gave me a back rub and I massaged his sore feet.

We’ve decided to put off the tag sale for another week. Good. That way all I have to worry about is being awake enough for turkey day and by next week my schedule will be so I can help with the tag sale.

I fried up about 25 pieces of chicken and ate about 8. The rest I can munch on for the next couple of days.

Gonna go copy more letters now.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1995 I got up at noon. Being awake for Thanksgiving at Mom and Dad’s house is gonna be really hard. I don’t want to let them down, though, so I’ll be there. Then two days after that we’ll be hitting tag sales.

Let me get that visit over with once and for all. We spent two hours over there and boy do I feel bad for them. A huge Mexican family moved in behind them and all you can hear is kids crying and screaming and loud obnoxious neighbors. Tom and Dad talked while Mom and I talked. Tom worked on one of their cars while Mom and I chatted about odds and ends. She gave me some stickers I’ll use for entry dates. We showed them our paintings and they liked best the one I like best, too.

Tom put up a swing for them that’s just like ours, but more warped. They also have a regular swing that seats one person.

Ma also said she wants me to paint her something, by the way. She said, “Oh, you named them.” Then I realized I wrote: Mystery on them and explained how that was my nickname associated with dancing.

After we came home, we barbecued some hamburgers.

Evie should get her letter tomorrow. I drew flowers and birds on her envelope.

We moved the other 80-gallon water tank out of the little room which we’ll be moving the dryer into.

I can’t believe I forgot to send Bill a birthday card, but oh well. Next year (I hope).

OK, now for a really freaky experience I had. I can’t remember which is which, but I’ve either never had a dream premonition or it’s been a very long time. Anyway, about a week ago I dreamt I weighed myself on a scale with a dial. Instead of a line being on your weight, a beam of light would form the line on what you weigh. It said 106 which I haven’t been at in nearly 8 years. When I awoke, I had a feeling that it wasn’t just a dream. It was a warning. Sure enough, about 3 days ago I weighed 106 on our scale.

Later…

Bob still hasn’t responded to the so-called phone call I got. Yup, definitely embarrassed, but I’ll keep bugging him and say I got another call.

Now here’s what really pisses me off. They’re supposedly sending back the puzzles and story. Fuck these assholes! From now on I refuse to send him anything other than letters. That’s about 6 stamps the assholes have wasted.

He sent me an article in the paper on how they moved 300 inmates to Texas in the middle of the night. Texas supposedly has more jail space, but Tom says that’s cuz in Texas they kill them. I don’t sense Bob being moved to Texas and Tom says he doubts it. He thinks they’ll choose the more dangerous inmates. Bob’s harmless, of course.

Tom sold $40 of old computer stuff earlier this evening so that’s good. It probably won’t be till June, though, before we can really relax about money.

If I personally knew an authentic psychic who said Tom would cum, I’d say in June was when he’d consider it.

He went down on me before going to bed last night. I had to go back into the room for something I forgot. Sure enough, he was jerking it saying his balls itched. He never made any attempts to pull his hands out where I could see them, either, probably rubbing the idea into me. Especially since I brought it up. I just heard the bed hit the wall a few times, so he’s probably jerking off right now. He went into bed about 10 minutes ago.

Next door was at work for many hours today. I didn’t hear much hammering. Tom saw them upon arriving home from work and says they look like painters. They must be prepping the house for painting and are probably gonna replace that old gate. Tom says it costs about $800 to get a house that size painted. Yup, Tweak Daddy has got bucks. He better for a family of what’s probably 9 by now. If it’s taken them 3 days to prep, I wonder how many days it’ll take them to paint. These guys seem like young goof-off types.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 1995 They’re back next door doing who the hell knows what. Tom said he’ll try to see what they’re doing when he goes grocery shopping. He says he thinks they’re probably just doing repairs.

Got a few things to mention before I get into yesterday.

I don’t expect to hear Tom nagging me to quit smoking again. I really believe he’d rather me smoke than have a kid. He’s not looking forward to me saying something like - I should get a kid for this if I could and did quit smoking. I know better, though, believe me.

I tried telling him yesterday how sex (not oral) was hard for me due to my feeling like a freak about it. He was basically like, we’re not going to see a doctor in ‘97 if we’re not screwing, but that’s up to me. Then he’s saying I’m only concerned about my feelings.

Well, don’t I have a right to be concerned about my own feelings every now and then?

I realized another possibility last night, too. Perhaps right before April of ‘97, he’ll cum occasionally. Meaning, not enough to go to a doctor, but not enough to get me pregnant. Especially if he made sure he came at the wrong time of the month. Would he take that chance? I can see him risking cumming once; that’s how against a kid he is.

Tweak Daddy is still hammering.

Later…

I went to help mow the lawn, but anyway, I guess tweak Daddy’s gone now. I thought knowing him, he’d work till 2:00 in the morning.

No chance of me getting sex tonight, but what I did was worth it and sort of funny. Even he laughed at some of it. He said he’d rather anything than for me to smoke. Yeah, I believe that, but almost. I think if he had to choose between being castrated or having a kid, he’d take the castration. He’d take anything over a kid. Probably even sleeping with a guy, to know there’ll never be a kid would be worth it, too. Well, he never did come out and promise me a child if I quit and I can’t make him do something he refuses to do. I started to say to him why should I be the only one giving what the other wants by quitting? So, finally, I decided that if I quit it can only ever be just for better health and saving money. I told him I’ve tried to quit on my own for 17 years and that hasn’t worked. The only way is for him to take them and not give me any if I ask for one and this is what we’re doing.

After I listen to music, I’ll write about a dream that came true and our visit to his parents.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1995 A couple of guys are working next door doing who the hell knows what. Oh, I hope to hell they’re putting up a garage. I’d love it if they did that cuz it would reduce some noise. However, I think they only have a pick-up truck. Nothing that would hold all the lumber for a garage and how the hell could they afford it? I saw a guy hammering out back right where the roof and wall of the house meet, so who knows what the hell he’s doing. I don’t think they can afford a nicer patio or to add on any more rooms any more than I think they can afford the garage I wish they’d put up.

I hope I get all those Bob letters from Kim today. She mailed them 1st class and said I should get them today or tomorrow.

I wonder when Bob will take a breather from all his fantasies and write to me.

Later…

The people working next door scared the pigeons out of getting a little bit of birdseed I put out and a piece of bread. Wait till there’s a dog again next door. Then I wonder what they’ll do then? They wait for their food usually on the electrical line over their backyard cuz it’s the fattest line that they can stand on easier. I guess they’ll just have to wait on ours once there’s a dog over there.

I really wish they’d put up a garage, though. It’d reduce noise and give us more privacy.

Dr. Nielsen said my ear was looking great and I don’t have to go back till May 30th.

I drew a confession out of Tom the other night, but it was only half true. He admitted to not cumming cuz his mind was on our financial problems but said he still wasn’t worried about my getting pregnant cuz we’ll be better off financially in a couple of months or so.

Yeah, right!

He confirmed why I feel he’s afraid to admit he doesn’t want a kid.

I told him if he told me he didn’t want in on any of our goals, fine, cuz you can’t force people to do whatever. I promised no argument and he said I’d still argue. His tone said, “You’d argue and this is why I don’t want to tell you the truth. I don’t want to deal with your reaction. Besides, I do have fun teasing you and leading you on about sex and a kid.”

This shocks the shit out of me cuz I didn’t think he’d have the time or be interested, but I think he may have read in Journal 100 how I lied about being mid-cycle 2 days earlier than I really was. I knew there’d be no way he’d dare screw me on the 14th day of the cycle, no matter how crazy the odds of pregnancy were. And for him to screw me on that day for the first time since we’ve been together after I typed that seems more than a coincidence to me. I really got my period yesterday and bitched at how I was early. In truth, I was. This was later at night, closer to the 17th. He thought (supposedly) I was due on the 17th, but I was really due on the 19th.

I just realized that I had what I just said backward, so maybe he didn’t read it and I always was very doubtful he’d ever read my journals. The only thing I’m getting more and more sure of with each passing month is how against a kid he is. Therefore, I really hope to hell I need a hysterectomy so I don’t have to deal with periods for 25 more years.

Wait a minute! I was right the first time and he did read it. Of course he’s gonna go along with what I told him was when I was due for my period as a cover. No wonder he screwed on that day. To give himself more of a cover of how anti-kid he is. Well, from now on I’ll just tell the truth cuz truth or lie this guy will never allow me to have a child. Never.

Later…

They’re still working over there blasting heavy metal music on a radio, so just to piss them off I’ve got my stereo blaring now. Wouldn’t it have been a real trip for them if I had blared the edits? They’ve been over there for 4 hours. I really wonder what the hell they’re doing.

I decided I’d be nice and let them have their music to work with. Besides, they’re now listening to KHITS. I guess whatever it is they’re doing is a one-day job since it’s Friday. Unless they’ll be returning next week. After having the luck of having that place empty for 2½ months, God will really compensate me with heavy metal blasters as well as kids and dogs.

Here’s the mail.

Later…

As soon as he stuck it in the slot, I felt a vibe saying - nope. Nothing today. All I got was my Word Seek puzzle book, but he sure got a lot of mail.

I just saw them haul their old wooden gate out back to where they moved their truck. That gate had been in between the carport and their house. Then why were they working near the roof at an odd angle? Maybe they could afford a garage if they could afford that EC. They’ve got to have bucks to be able to afford such a big family. It’s how they get their money that made me wonder about them. His odd hours, their home-teaching the kids, the wife and kids never leaving except for church and that month in ‘94 when they went to Idaho.

Oh, how I wish I could say an old person or two with little company would be moving in there who had no dog and who hardly ever left (meaning they didn’t constantly come and go) would move in there, but no way! I can picture this huge family moving in and they immediately throw their dog(s) out back to stay and while the adults are moving in, their kids are happily playing basketball.

I wish my in-laws would move in there. They do have a lot of company but all adults who go right inside. The only kid they have over really is Nickolena and she’s never outside.

Later…

Kim said it only cost her $1.44 to mail those 70 pages to me. I’m surprised. I thought it’d cost a few dollars.

Too bad I didn’t get it today. Today would have been the perfect day to read all that shit and I’ve got nothing better to do. All I’m doing is waiting till the sheets and towels I’ve got out on the line dry.

I got curious so I called information in Springfield and asked for Nervous. He has his old phone number. The one he had on Pearl St. that he took with him to Avalon Place (not Avon Place as I was told by information over a year ago). When I called the number it said that number wasn’t connected yet. He’s just like Fran. He loses his phone on and off. He must have just lost it or is about to get it back since Info has it. Right after he moved he either lost it or got it in her name which I don’t know with a new number. I thought they did get it in her name, but now I think he lost it. Was he without a phone all this time - I don’t know. Are they even still together?

Perhaps I’ll send some of those Bob letters.

Later…

All they did next door was remove the gate from what I can see. They were here from 9 AM - 1 PM and they never replaced it with anything, so I hope to hell someone will return to put up a garage. It doesn’t take 4 hours to remove that gate, so who the hell knows? Tom’s home now, so I’ll ask him. Later I’ll write more.

Later…

Tom’s reading through papers right now to see where the best place is to put an ad for old computer stuff of his.

I asked him what he thought about next door. He said it sounded like they were doing repairs, but wasn’t sure about a garage. Possibly, he said.

Tomorrow we’ll be going to his parents’ house to visit. We’ll also be there for Thanksgiving. A couple of days after Thanksgiving is when we’ll probably have the tag sale.

I’ve got to get back to work on my story which I haven’t really worked on in a week. There’s no hurry, though. I’ve also got 5 letters I’ll do before Monday. To my parents, Tammy, Larry, Bob and Kim.

Tammy called last night with some not-too-cool news. Bill’s cancer has moved to his lymph node system. Before it was only in his blood. That sucks cuz this means there’s no hope anymore of remission. Tammy says all they can do is wait for Yale-New Haven to run tests. Get this - Bill’s cousin had, or has, colon cancer and his aunt just died of cancer. That’s pretty scary.

Tammy told Tom he’s lucky he’s not a G, but will we always be lucky? We’re the types of people to whom God loves to give cancer.

Later…

There’s something Tom’s told me many months ago that I’d like to mention, before mentioning what we just talked about.

Here’s another reason why he won’t fess up about being anti-kid. Several months back I asked him if I should work on the things I wanted one at a time. He said no and that the only way he can motivate me is to have me try for everything at once.

Oh, I get it. So it’s - don’t tell Jodi I don’t want a kid so she won’t feel like giving up on everything.

A little while ago I got an idea that may really help me to quit smoking and stay that way unlike ever before.

I told Tom, though, that I was almost afraid to tell him cuz I’d need to know he’d keep his promise and do his part, but was afraid he wouldn’t like the deal. The deal was if I went 90 days with no cigarettes for him to give me a child cuz quitting smoking is a big thing, therefore I thought getting a big thing would help. Our other idea was for me to buy whatever I wanted with the money saved that used to be spent on cigarettes, but I want the kid more than money. Tom’s deal starts off with his usual BS, but I’ve always wanted one regardless.

Then he said, “But if you break down and smoke, you’ll just say I wasn’t gonna give you one anyway and I don’t want to be a part of that. Just quit smoking and we’ll see.”

I knew it. I just fucking knew it. I could go 90 years without smoking and the guy will still never give me a child. Never. If I ever do quit it won’t be for that. Plus, why should I need any rewards to motivate me? Isn’t better health and more money enough?

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1995 I took a few pictures of about 5 pigeons bathing in the pool earlier.

I woke up after Tom did this morning to find him in a wonderful mood. Then later it hit me - of course he’s in a grand mood. He happily lost our bet. Just like he wanted to and set out to.

We screwed this morning, but neither of us came. I didn’t cuz I had cum 4 times yesterday and still wasn’t awake enough. And of course, he didn’t cuz he doesn’t want to.

Did I also mention that Tom said he was 99% sure that my not mentioning sex or a kid would help him and that’s all he’s ever wanted? He only wants that cuz he doesn’t want to cum with anyone other than his own self and cuz talk of a kid is a turn-off to him.

“I’ve got no doubt in my mind I’ll win this bet,” he said both times. Yeah, right.

Last night we were talking about my needing to see a GYN. It’s true that I’ve been sent to one twice and all was fine. A doctor in Deerfield sent me to one saying I had warts and I didn’t. Dr. Wilcox over on Bell Rd. when I was on disability sent me to one, but I was fine. This is different, though. God’s got more reasons to be upset with me now. I may not want a kid as much, but I still do some and this is why I wouldn’t be surprised if God fucked with my female parts. All for wanting and praying for something not meant to be that he obviously considers a sin for me and incorrect. I hope to hell I’m wrong, though, and that all really is fine. I know the DES is a factor in this and that even non-DES women are naturally like me. Dr. Rugg said she sees it all the time.

Anyway, Tom’s said we’re paying for our insurance, so we may as well use these doctors. I wonder if he’ll feel that way in April of ‘97. Will I? Especially what with knowing a kid isn’t what he wants? I say it’s not fair to do this to him, but is what he’s doing to me fair?

He’s taking advantage of this 60-day thing to be a game. A game to lead me on. He’ll never change.

My husband says he wants a kid and that we should use these doctors, does not have a “plan,” but does not want to use them till 4/1997. Sure, he has a plan. First, he’ll probably hope to hell I come out and say I don’t want one to cover his true feelings, but eventually, he’ll confess cuz I ain’t giving him what he wants. Even if I really were to become totally against it, and I might, I won’t say anything cuz I ain’t giving him the satisfaction or a way out of confessing. I want to hear the truth from him and I hope it’ll be soon and not when I’m 80. He can’t keep making excuses or hiding from the truth forever. This is all gonna catch up to him and get him in the end.

After I run out of cigarettes, I want to try to quit again.

Later…

Wearing a bra has really helped to make my tits less sore.

Since I’m usually getting my periods early, with my luck I’ll get it at Dr. Nielsen’s office tomorrow.

As I knew, still no letter from Dr. Rugg, so the GYN will be calling me before the week’s out, no doubt.

God, I’m sorry my desires were not as you’d approve of, but please let me be OK. Leave me alone and I shall very happily leave you alone.

It’s nice to know, though, that I’m in a fine mood, even though my life is at a standstill; I can’t be a professional singer, have a kid or quit smoking.

I had a dream last night that I weighed myself as 106. Now I definitely see that dream as a warning.

A few nights ago, I had a dream that Nana - at least I think it was Nana - was telling me to pick new dreams/goals. As if to confirm to me that I was right about the singing and the kid not being meant to be.

Tom’s home now, so I’ll write more later.

Later…

Yesterday Andy gave me the 800# to the Sheridan Hotel in Springfield (the one downtown where he was working when we met). We were gonna call together to see what they said about their weather since AOL isn’t any more accurate about it than Prodigy was. They put us on hold forever, but Andy had to book it out to work. So, I called back on my own and Adam answered. The gay guy who’s his friend that I’ve also met who’s moving to San Diego. I didn’t say who I was, but in the end, my laugh might’ve been a dead giveaway. Plus, I mentioned being from Phoenix. Anyway, he told me they got snow which turned to freezing rain and how it was to be pretty blustery that night. He said it was really cold and when I asked if he needed a coat, he said, “Oh, yeah!” Meanwhile, it was a beautiful 82º here today.

Tom’s said that some people believe that birds have telepathy, cuz when they’re flying in flocks, they all seem to change directions at the same instant. Perhaps they are psychic cuz sometimes when I go out back there isn’t any lurking around, but barely after a minute after I get out there, they show up. Several do. I got a few pictures of them in the pool. Not in it, but on the wall dividing the pool and spa.

Kim called earlier and read me part of a letter she’s sending Bob about her sexual fantasy to him. She’s a pretty good and creative writer. She’s sending me about 70 pages of stuff she got from Bob with all his fantasies. She says they’re getting funnier and funnier. She said at one point in his letter he had to stop a few times to cum. I believe that. Bet his cellmate got a kick out of it.

This is why I haven’t heard from him. He’s been so busy writing to her since she “opened up” to him.

She said a phone psychic told her friend that her 16-year-old sister was pregnant and she was late for her period. Of course she’s pregnant. She’s 16. She too, though, believes in psychics but believes that the 900# ones are quacks. She’s called several and says the first one was pretty good, but the rest was bullshit. The first one I ever spoke to was half accurate and the rest were 99.9% bullshit. Of course, this last one was 100% bullshit.

I’m so glad that Tom’s so easy. Never hangs all over me. Never asks me to take care of him. It’s totally one-sided sex. Just the opposite of Brenda and Kacey. I’m sure that the number of guys like Tom could be counted on one hand. I really lucked out.

There’s always been a part of me wanting a hysterectomy and I’m hoping more that I’ll need one. I hate PMS and periods! It seems so logical that God would see it as so correct for me. God should definitely grant me that, but cuz there’s a part of me that wants it, I don’t know.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 1995 Tom just got up and I’m just kicking back for now. He didn’t sleep well last night cuz he’s really worried about his Dad. I think that on top of the trip in May, money and the several other things I’ve mentioned, his Dad is his biggest reason for not wanting a kid.

I’m outside right now and it’s already getting fairly warm. It also feels humid for some strange reason, yet there isn’t a cloud in the sky.

I just gave the birds an early lunch. They’re getting braver. They’re letting me get closer and closer.

I think today I’ll work on my story.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 1995 I’ve got the radio tuned into KHITS right now, hoping they finally play my request. I called and let the DJ know how my requests were never played and hopefully, he’ll play them this time.

I just spoke to my Mom and she said to let her know what David and Evie like as far as flag designs.

I believe I’ll get mail from Kim and Bob today. I hope Bob tells me he got that manila envelope. He hasn’t yet said anything about the “mysterious phone call” I said I got. I know he got the letter, so if he continues not to say anything about it, then I’ll know he’s just too embarrassed to bring it up. Just like with the secret admirer letter I sent Kim to send to him.

Yesterday Tom installed the water tank and this morning I vacuumed and mopped the kitchen floor which had gotten quite filthy.

Tom and I made a deal, even though I know it’ll do no good. Seeing is gonna be my only ticket to believing when it comes to sex and the kid.

He also explained something to me that makes sense but also doesn’t make sense at the same time. Well, yesterday I commented, “Shit. We can’t have fun in the morning till the weekend.”

This is what I really thought cuz I know he has things he likes to do in the mornings.

So, then he says, “Don’t say that cuz then it’ll stick in my brain and end up that way.”

So he was telling me how it wasn’t easy for him to get over things he hears and I asked, “So, you mean cuz I said you couldn’t cum, that’s why you can’t.” He said that was part of it, but yet he’s always told me it wasn’t my problem and not my fault. Also, I know better and I know he’s always been able and always will be his choice to cum or not.

So I said, “If I don’t mention anything about cumming or having a kid for 60 days, will that help you?” He said he was 99% sure it would, but couldn’t guarantee anything in this life.

Well, I’ll keep my mouth shut for 60 days, but I still know better on that one, too.

Yeah! He’s playing my request. Finally!

Later…

I’m gonna try to stay up till the mail comes. I wonder if I’ll be getting those Little House videos at all. I hope they come soon if I’m to get them at all.

I forgot to mention something else as far as Tom’s concerned when he says that if I say certain things it sticks in his brain. Then why doesn’t it stick in his brain when I ask him not to leave the bathroom sink water dripping? It seems the more I ask him a favor, no matter how nicely, the less he’s willing to do it.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 1995 I got Journal 100 put together and it really looks great. I had said that the dog journal from my parents would be next, but I decided to get this one done first.

I just got done talking to Andy and before that, I drew a clump of prickly pear cactuses out in the living room under the mailbox.

Now I’m gonna go finish decorating envelopes.

Later…

It’s been fine, but tonight it’s fucking freezing!

Yesterday Tom met David where they got the new water tank and they brought it over here. I showed him some wall art as well as some envelopes I decorated. He really liked Mom and Dad’s flag and I’m gonna let them know that he and Evie would like to check out one of their catalogs.

Speaking of Evie, David said she’s really into letter-writing, so I’m gonna send her a quick letter and will probably do a drawing or two on her envelope.

David said there’s this store in Glendale and all they sell is beads. That oughta be cool to check out one of these days.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 1995 I knew it. I knew my gut feeling, 6th sense, woman’s intuition, or whatever the hell you want to call it was right on. Dr. Rugg said my cervix was still inflamed and the culture was bloody still. She said that if they can’t get a reading, which I know they won’t, a GYN is gonna call me to set up an appointment to look at my cervix through I microscope. At this point, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I did need a hysterectomy or had cancer. Why not? This would be the perfect time for one. Especially since God obviously thinks my desire for a child is sinful and this is how he’s punishing me for wanting something I’m not supposed to ever have.

I had refused to talk all day, but Tom kept insisting I should talk, so finally I let him have it. He should be thrilled if I do have to have a hysterectomy. I suppose a part of me would be thrilled, too. After all, I’d be giving up those periods I hate so much.

I just feel so fucking punished! I said that there’s always a problem when I have sex. Well, never have I had sex with anyone as much as I have with Tom, so of course this is why I’m having problems like I never have before.

Speaking of sex, I quit doing the sex chart. It just got so old and boring. Also for next year’s period chart, in which I’m sure to get all of them unless they do take my insides out, I’m just gonna mark the day that I get it.

I’m on a mission now. I gave that 70s station a break for a while to get established. Now, though, it’s time to get to know the DJs and I have a way with DJs as I do with animals. Then, continue taping my collection of oldies. I’ve been trying to call them to make a request and the damn phone’s been ringing and ringing.

I hear a guy talking in the background. I noticed that when I spoke to Andy earlier. I guess we’ve got a crossed line, but at least it’s nothing like when I was crossed with that lady at Crystal Creek. I couldn’t even make a phone call if she were on the line.

I finally got through to the DJ and he said he has both of the songs I wanted to know if they had. Yup, they’ve been building up. He’s gonna try to take care of them both. I hope. I still say that a lot of the time they either never play your request or play it 5 hours after you’ve made the request. See, just now he played a song I didn’t request. It’s the weekend too, so he may be backed up, but I hope not, cuz I really think there are more people into the current stuff. Way more. Like 80% of the population.

OK, now it’s time to write about the shit poor Andy’s going through before I get into Bob’s letters to Kim.

We moved the old water tank out back today. In the morning, first, we both weeded out front. Anyway, as we were moving the thing out Andy called. I told him I was tied up and couldn’t talk. He said, “Yes you can. It’s an emergency.”

Pam and John woke him up and were pounding on his door for half an hour. Luckily his door’s nice and thick so they didn’t get in. It’s a good thing he didn’t have the flimsy door that he had on Belmont Ave. when Tracy and this guy he rejected tried to get in. They were about to make it in when some butch in the building scared them off.

Another song now, but not my request. Every time I write “another song,” that means that he’s still playing something I didn’t request. I may have to call him a few times to get him to play 1 of the 2 requests I put in.

Anyway, back to Andy. He called me after he called the cops. I told him to call his office and both the office and the cops arrived at the same time. Remember how I said that they gave him a coffee table as a gift? Well, I had told him, “Look. You didn’t pay anything for it, so if returning it means getting them off your ass, I would, cuz you don’t need that shit.”

Another song.

So, they brought back stuff he gave them that he didn’t want back and gave the pigs the table to give to them and hopefully that’s it. I hope these aren’t the type of people who are gonna need their asses severely kicked in order to get them off his ass for good.

Anyway, I left him a message late yesterday afternoon and about an hour ago to see if he’s OK. I’m sure he is, though. I have no bad vibes at all.

Another song.

I slept from about 5 PM till 12:30 AM and I am still quite tired, so maybe Robin can help me to take a nap.

Tom said to wake him up between 5:00 and 6:00 for fun. Sure. I could use a good orgasm and of course, he’ll just get hard cuz he enjoys humiliating me in that way so much and is more afraid than I am to make that kid.

When I let him have it earlier, I reminded him not to remind me about getting my way. Especially since I’m being forced to give up a biggie for him. My right to have a child and that all my life I’ve had things taken, denied and been in one weird, different, strange, abnormal situation after another. Leave it to me to be the one to be with a guy like Tom.

Another song.

I also reminded him that he won the weight bet cuz he wanted to and the reason why he hasn’t won the sex bet is cuz he didn’t want to. He always wanted to lose weight much more than have a kid.

Once again, I demanded the truth, but no. The asshole still had to go and try to bullshit me all the while saying, “I understand your beliefs and your feelings, but I don’t agree with them and I’ve been telling you the truth all along.”

Yeah, right! Does he really think I’m that stupid? He tells me that I’m a smart girl, yet he still thinks I’m stupid enough to be fooled by his little game? I don’t think so!

Kim called while I was asleep, and he answered. She’ll be calling back in the morning.

Another song.

Later…

I was just going through some stuff I want to type in, but first, what the fuck is it with DJs never playing my requests?! The asshole just said that there were 3 songs coming up after the commercials and none of them are any I requested.

Anyway, Bob finally wrote something different to Kim. All his corny fantasies since she’s been playing this I-love-you-all-of-a-sudden game. There was this one part that was so funny when he said he admired her tits while asleep, then she supposedly rolled over onto her back. Now how could he admire her tits if she weren’t already on her back? He must have X-ray vision.

Another song.

Later…

I think I’ll hang up my mission to resume my music collection with KHITS, too. The asshole never played either song and they always pull this shit on me. KOOL used to do the same thing, but not as much as these people. These people always do it. KOOL just did it most of the time. How do they expect to get good ratings and keep so many listeners? The number has been busy ever since I called in my requests two hours ago.

Well, I’m gonna see if I can take that nap for a while.

Later…

I wasn’t able to fall back to sleep, but we did screw exactly the way I said we would. I believe him when he says he gets close and I always have, but I don’t believe him when he said after we were done how he was bummed that he didn’t get off.

Andy called and we talked for nearly an hour. He says that he thinks this shit with Pam and John is over. Let’s hope so.

When I asked him what he thought of me praying to Robin he said he didn’t think it was a good idea in his opinion. He said that spirits can’t help grant wishes. Only God can. Well, I explained to him why I have a hard time praying to someone that’s obviously determined to deny me something that’s supposed to be morally correct and who can let a 2-timing murderer off to go home to his kids. Andy says OJ will pay for his crimes in hell. That sounds nice and I’d like to believe that, but I don’t know this for sure. I told him that since he believes in God and since praying seems to work for him to please ask him to leave me alone. I won’t bug him anymore for the kid which he’s obviously upset with me for asking him for and to just leave me alone. There’s no need for him to go giving me female problems just cuz I asked for something that’s not meant to be. I know it’s not meant to be and I won’t bug him.

I filled him in on the situation with Dr. Rugg.

Tom’s watching TV now and at some point, we’ll be doing some more weeding and getting the new water tank in and he wants me to try to trim the sides of his hair so his hair isn’t in his face.

Later…

I was gonna write earlier, but something came up. We were gonna pull weeds, but we decided against it. The weeds out here are killers. They have thorns on them and are like nothing back east. I used to pull weeds at my parent’s house with no problems.

I’m doing laundry now and later or tomorrow I’ll be trimming Tom’s hair.

David will be calling later today about getting the new water tank. He doesn’t know if he’ll be installing it today.

I forgot to mention another funny story that Andy told me from the New Testament. He was telling me the story of Noah’s Ark. He said that the whole world, except for Noah didn’t believe in God and that pissed him off cuz God’s jealous. So he decided to wipe out the whole world except for Noah and his family. This was about 6 or 7 thousand years ago. Well, God ordered Noah to build a boat and provided him with all the measurements and tools. Meanwhile, all the people in town laughed at him saying that there wasn’t any rain and that he was a fool to believe that God could’ve ordered him to build this boat. Then God provided him with all the proper animals. Then God told Noah to seal himself and his family into the boat. Then he made it rain hard and consistently for 40 days and 40 nights and drowned the whole world except for Noah and his family. He and his family restarted the population from there. He and his family and Adam and Eve supposedly lived for 800-900 years to restart the population.

Tom and I were talking about it and he said that it goes against what the scientists say. He says it’s impossible to cover the land with just 40 days and nights of rain.

Andy said he’s never found anything in the bible that says being gay is a sin, but Tom says he’s seen it in the several Bibles that he’s got. Well, then if God really considers gays a sin, then he has to consider everyone a sin. Whether you’re gay, straight, white, black…that’s who you are, period. You can’t help that any more than you can help what foods and colors you like.

Another thing that seems funny is how people can say incest is wrong, yet Adam and Eve’s kids were fucking each other to populate the earth. Tom said he doesn’t remember ever reading anything about incest being wrong. That seems awfully weird that God could consider incest OK, but being gay wrong.

The next journal is gonna be the dog one from my parents.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 1995 It worked! I slept for 3½ hours. Thank you, Robin, if you had anything to do with it and I think you did. This just got me to see things in a whole new light. Maybe God was the wrong person to pray to. Anyway, from now on, whether I get the same results or not, I will direct my prayers to Robin. Yes, I will pray to her and not to God. I didn’t have to try very hard, either. I just got into bed and told her the situation, even though I believe she knows everything anyway in ways that even God doesn’t, then I began to get very drowsy. I wasn’t completely out yet and I told myself to pray harder, that I might not be praying hard enough and then that was it.

Right before I went out, though, she reminded me not to say anything more about sex to Tom and let the psychic have time to be right. This part of it seems so crazy but she did say this, nonetheless, and that’s that.

I wonder what would happen if I spoke to her about the singing, the smoking, sex, and stuff like that. Maybe nothing, since she already knows where I stand with all that, but I never did ask her directly for any help with it. We’ll see. I’ll give it time. I don’t want to suddenly throw all these requests at her and make her feel overwhelmed. I don’t know if spirits can feel overwhelmed, but for now, what she did by helping me to take a nap is enough and I’m very grateful.

Later…

I just left Andy a message about it. He may find it far-fetched and not totally agree with it, but at least I know I can share it with him. Just like when he started to tell me the Adam and Eve story. He said, “You’re not gonna believe this.” No, I don’t, but I still like to hear things like this and other people’s ideas and beliefs.

I forgot to mention that Tom went to see his Mom and Dad earlier. His Dad still isn’t feeling well, but that’s to be expected. We’re going to bring our paintings over to show them one of these days soon.

The plan for the next month is to get the new water tank in here, then sell the stuff we want to sell (hopefully), then get the dryer moved into here.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 1995 Someone’s philosophy on TV was that the things in life that seem the best aren’t always that way and the things that don’t seem the best sometimes are.

Oh, so does that mean that Tom’s not the best thing for me and that our never having a child which at times doesn’t seem too good really is the best thing?

I had my first encounter in a long time with Robin a while ago.

After I wrote what I last wrote, I lay in bed crying and said to God: Why is it that You must always see to it that I’m in a weird or strange situation? I just want to be normal. I’ve done my time feeling abnormal, strange, weird, different, sad, hopeless, etc. What have I taken from someone that’s so big that You’ve taken away my right to have a child? If it’s not meant to be cuz it’ll ruin Tom and I or kill me or cuz I’d be so unable to handle it, then why? Why must there always be some big thing that I want that has to be denied to me? Why must things be taken and or denied to me time and time again? Then again, having a child isn’t that “big,” is it?

It may be easier to deal with more often than in the past, but sometimes I still break down in tears and so much anger and wonder why? I feel like I always come out the loser if I try and the loser if I don’t try. This is what happens if I try or if I don’t try to quit smoking, to be a singer, to have a child - I don’t succeed. Try if I will and I’ll get nowhere. Don’t try if I will and I’ll still get nowhere.

I’m also so confused by what others have said as well as what Tom has said. They say two totally opposite things. One is to try my best and my hardest. Two is to not try so hard. Even the quack psychic said don’t try too hard and give this guy a break. I’m trying my best not to harp on the subject, but sometimes it’s easier said than done. I can’t always snuff my fears, my worries, my anxieties, my hopelessness, my anger, and my sadness.

I asked Tom earlier if our not being able to have sex till after the appointment bothers him and he said yes. I said he didn’t show it and he said that talking about it wasn’t going to change it. Oh, how I wish I could have that attitude much more often and tell myself that talking or thinking of having the things I want isn’t going to change the fact that I can’t have these things. Don’t bother to burden or upset or frustrate or pressure Tom by bringing them up. He already knows how you feel.

Also, one minute I feel that I should have these things and that I deserve them after not being able to get several other things I’ve wanted. Then the next minute I feel I don’t deserve them and that having them would be selfish and spoiled of me and that I still have been granted many other blessings. Not only can’t I make my mind up as to how I feel about things, but either thing or things I decide still don’t get me anywhere. I feel more and more that Tom not only isn’t admitting to all that he feels but is also having fun seeing me go through this.

Earlier I made the comment that we had to wait on the kid, no doubt, till he gets a raise and till I get my dental shit out of the way, which will be in about a month. He didn’t say anything in protest to it and he even admitted that 3 people couldn’t live very well on someone who makes $8 an hour. That drove my belief that this is a fear of his that’s holding him back even further into me.

He said he’s 100% for the trip in May and 100% for having a kid. Both right now at this very moment, he feels that, and I said that’ll be tough to choose. He said, yeah, but that’s life. I know he’s gonna choose the trip. It’s only once that Lisa’s gonna have a bat mitzvah and then there is the dental work and the question of money. I told him, though, that the decision had to be his. Whatever makes him happy.

The other day there was this commercial that I don’t know why the hell it had to come on a sports channel, but anyway, me and Tom were sitting in the living room and a commercial for getting yourself checked out before you get pregnant came on. I didn’t need to hear it and was dying for some coffee anyway, so I got up to make it. I was going to go to bed then anyway and when he kissed me good night he asked if I were sure that I was OK. I knew there was no point in getting into it, so I said I was. He said something about my painting a fake smile, even though I insisted I was fine. The point of me bringing this up is that he seemed to feel so much pleasure at that Moment like he enjoyed my being upset. Yet he told me back when he got all ticked off at my call to that nurse that all my feelings about him were in my head. What’s a person like me to believe?

OK, here’s my encounter with Robin. Well, I was saying what I said to God when all of a sudden that warm soothing feeling came over me and it was her. At first, I was like - go away. I can’t believe in you.

But she wouldn’t go away. She told me that things weren’t as bad as I thought they were and that I wouldn’t be stuck in this rut for too much longer. That I’d soon be onto new ways and new things and basically a new life. Now here’s the thing she said that made me wonder again if her presence wasn’t just my imagination due to being upset. She told me to give the psychic a chance to be right. She said that Tom’s more honest than I thought he was and that if I just hang on till the first of the year and try not to harp on it and let her comfort me during hard Moments like that, then I’d see that all would be OK and work out.

Now how the hell can I believe this? I want to, but it all seems like such bullshit.

I also asked her if there’d be a time when I’d believe in her more and she said yes, but wouldn’t give me a time frame. Nor would she give me a time frame as to when the new neighbors would arrive. She just said not to worry, just like she told me before. This is also very hard to believe.

All I want more than anything is to end this cycle. I’m sick of these feelings. I’m sick of wanting the impossible.

Later…

Dear Tom,

I had a chance to do some thinking last night and I realized something. When you said that talking about our not being able to have sex now won’t change anything, well, you’re right. I’m trying to have that attitude and the last thing I want is for you to feel upset, burdened, frustrated or pressured, so my only purpose for this letter is to let you know a couple of things I feel and you can do whatever you want with it from there. I’m not assuming you feel what I’m about to say, but if you do, I will understand. First thing - I know you know money. I know you’ve told me that things will work out and I know that. We want the same things, the trip, the kid, bed progress, etc. However, if when we’re in bed you’ve got the $8 an hour going through your head as well as the dental work and whatever else, I will understand. Also, if you feel these things, you can tell me, but that is up to you. I know it’s not your fault that you got laid off and that we need a new water tank, etc. Lastly, if you choose, between now and May that the trip is what you want most, fine, and you can tell me so. The ball’s in your court, I just wanted to let you know how I felt to ease your mind. I don’t know if it’ll ease your mind and I don’t know if these things are or will be on your mind. My only point was to tell you that I’d understand, I’ll wait for whatever, till whatever, and you can feel free to talk to me anytime about anything. That’s all!

I love you, Mystery

P.S. Also, I’ll keep trying to obtain some of your habits which I think are great. I think I’m getting a little better. Well, I sure hope so anyway, but I’ll do my best to be as good of a person as I can be and to make you happy and proud of me.

Later…

I just had some butter noodles I just made up. So far I’ve been under the amount of food they recommend.

The letter above is a letter I did for Tom. I couldn’t print the damn thing out, though, so I saved it to a file and will delete it after he reads it. Is that Robin’s way of saying not to do this? Tough, if it is. I still have no reason to believe in her enough not to have a mind of my own.

Later…

I just spoke to Andy for almost an hour. Things are OK with him right now. He said that John, Pam’s husband, called demanding that coffee table back. Andy refuses to give it to them cuz of the way Pam fucked him over and tried to make him lose his job. I don’t even know why he bothers to talk to him in the first place and not hang up on the guy.

He says he and Michelle still get along OK and that he can see them living together for quite a while, but she’s a lot like that Crystal C that lived with me on Oswego St. She does nothing to help out with her share of the chores and Andy has to keep getting on her case about it constantly.

I must admit, though, it is funnier than all hell and I don’t buy it. I don’t see how I can, cuz without the proof, certain things just seem too far-fetched to buy.

We were discussing how we’re both dealing with things we want that we just know we can never have. He can’t have Mr. Right and I can’t have a child. I asked him, “So, why do you suppose God spoiled Gloria? She seems to have it all. She’s been happily married for 17 years, so it seems, has a great career, all kinds of money, and 2 kids.”

Andy said, “Well, she was banished from Cuba.”

Then I said, “Well, maybe we oughta get banished from here for just a little while.”

Anyway, he said that God works in mysterious ways, he doesn’t fully understand God and says he doesn’t understand either why we can’t just live in a perfect world where no bad things occurred and why life has to be so unfair.

Anyway, he was telling me about Adam and Eve. A story I’ve heard before that I swear has got to be made up. He told me that when God created Adam and Eve, they lived in heaven which was in a garden here on earth. So, I guess it was just God, Adam, Eve, and Lucifer the devil. God told Adam and Eve that they could have anything they wanted, but that they could not eat apples from this one tree in that garden. So, Lucifer, the devil, told Eve that it really was OK to eat from that tree and that the only reason why God said not to was cuz then she’d have just as much power as God. She believed him and she did eat an apple from the tree. Then Adam did and they were sent to live outside of the garden here on earth which was supposed to be just like the regular old typical earth and replenish it somehow. Whatever that means I don’t know, but Andy says they were banished from the garden. It just seems to me that anyone could’ve made up this story. I mean, how can anyone know that they were the first humans and that they existed?

Later…

Tom just read my letter and as I figured he didn’t comment about it. You see, I really feel that he has a harder time opening up and prefers to tell me what I want to hear. He said the other day (even though I know this will never happen) that we’ll have a family as soon as we can when he should’ve said (if it was possible) that we can’t right now, but maybe in the future. With it being impossible for real, he should’ve told me a long time ago he doesn’t want it as I’ve always said. The only thing left that I can hope for is a confession from him. That’s the last thing about it that’s possible. I hope I hear the truth before I die. I have a feeling it’ll take 5-10 years for the truth to come out, though.

Tom sold his trumpet for $180 today and with that, he’ll be buying the new water tank. David’s gonna help him haul it over here. Tomorrow he’s also gonna try to sell some very old computer equipment. Stuff that’s supposed to be older than Tammy’s computer and that makes her computer look like a beautiful modern machine.

Later…

I just had some KFC and soon I’ll repolish my nails. During the night I’ll probably work on this, my story, and drawing.

Tom just went to bed. Before that, though, we were talking about how he’s right on schedule as far as the weight bet/goal. By the end of the year, he wants to be under 200 consistently.

I asked if our sex bet is still on and he said yeah, in a tone that wasn’t very enthusiastic. Like I said, of course I’ll win.

I’m trying to make up my mind - do I want to take my shower now or in the morning? Well, I think I’ll go listen to music while I’m deciding.

Later…

I just took a shower after I listened to music, then I did the dishes. I haven’t done my nails yet, though, but I will. It’s gonna be a long night and day. It’s not even midnight yet, and I have to stay up till after my appointment and we probably won’t get home till close to 3 PM and I got up at 7 PM. I may sleep for a few hours, but if I do it’ll only be for a few hours. If I go lay in bed and pray to Robin for help with taking a 2-4-hour nap, I wonder if she’ll help me and if it’ll work.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 1995 Well, I was kicked off the computer all night. Just after Tom went to bed, the disk was full so I couldn’t print or type anything out. Tom rearranged some stuff for me as soon as he got up. He’s in the shower now and then will be going to the store to pick up a few things.

He’s on one of his streaks where he’s showing hardly any desire for sex.

I’m on one of my streaks where I’m gonna miss not having a child, but I haven’t spoken about it, I won’t speak about it, and the way things are, are the way things are and that’s not gonna change. We all have our dreams and goals fucked with during our lives. Scott fucked with my singing dream and he’s fucked with my baby dream, but that’s life. Everyone goes through it. Anything to make him happy, though. I know that if I was deadset against a kid, the last thing I’d appreciate would be someone trying to talk me into it. I too, may be hesitant to admit that and insist I wanted a child to tell that person what they wanted to hear and to make them happy. Who knows for sure? I just might be like that, too. It’s a situation I’ve never been in before to know, though, how I’d react and what I’d say for sure. I still say that in a heartbeat I’d rather spend my life with my husband with no kid, rather than without him with a kid. I got over Scott who fucked with one of my dreams. I’ll get over this one, too. I have no choice and that’s all I can do. I know that woman was right when she said that as long as I choose to make him happy I’ll never have a child, but that’s just the way it’s got to be.

During the night I listened to music, watched a little TV, and did some more drawing, but I was bored for the most part. Just when I was getting more story ideas, the computer disk had to be full. I’m getting a bit tired now, so I think I’ll go do something else till I crash.

Later…

Shit! We can’t screw cuz it’s too close to my damn appointment with Rugg in two days. He’s gonna go down on me when he gets back. I’ll let him know that I’ll be bugging him for extra pussy licking to make up for the loss of the two different ways to have fun till after the appointment. I’m not having any evident problems down there, but how much do you want to bet that my pap won’t come back negative? I just know it won’t. It’ll be just my luck that it won’t. It seems that this is a prime cycle and a prime time for God to make sure I’m not quite normal down there. I know there’s no cancer there, cuz I’d sense it, I’m sure. Yes, I do have a big feeling that something up there’s gonna really fuck with my female parts, be it my tits or my crotch. It’s just its way of reminding me what’s not meant to be. Since I already know that real damn good and well, I wouldn’t be upset if I had to have a hysterectomy. Nah - God probably wouldn’t go that far. He probably wants to leave some things alone to tease me, but there’s no longer anything to be teased with. I mean, it used to really piss me off when Tom would say each month or each set of a few months that I’d be pregnant and I’d feel really hurt, but now I’m so used to it that it pretty much goes in one ear and out the other.

To be true to myself, and to be true to why my planner won’t allow me a child is simply a matter of what I’ve said before. I really think it’s just its way of keeping me from either being divorced or in jail. It knows I can’t quit smoking. It knows deep down that I could never handle a child. It knows deep down that I could never work my schedule out and I could go on and on. I fear and agree with this, too.

As for Tom’s reasons for not wanting a child, that’s a long evident list. I’ve got to get that dental work done eventually when we can afford it. There’s no way we could afford a child, even though he denies this. I could go on forever with reasons why he doesn’t want a kid, but I’ve already listed the basics in previous journals.

As far as the trip in May? He really wants that. I mean, it shocks the shit out of me cuz most people aren’t interested in where their spouses come from or their family members, but he really is doing and will continue to do all he can to get us there. It’s mostly cuz of Lisa’s bat mitzvah and to meet Tammy. The more I think about it, the more I don’t want to go. Yes, I miss my family and yes, I want to see them, but I had really hoped that they’d come out here first. Then there are the bad memories to deal with and the climate that nearly helped to kill me. I’d be fearful of any bad attacks and I just can’t stand being around Tammy for that long. Or my mother. My nieces, nephew, Larry and Dad are a different story.

Later…

Oh, I’m so sick of Tom’s shit! He harps on me all fucking morning to take care of myself and to take my meds correctly. Yet, if I harp on him, he gets all pissed off. Then he had the nerve to say that I do all of the little things I want and some of the little things he wants. He’s got balls saying that one! I’m doing him a very, very big thing. I mean the hugest thing someone can be made to do and that’s never having a child. That big thing makes up for a million little things and all the more, though, I’m glad he’ll never cum and I’m satisfied to just wish I could have a kid here and there. All we’d do is fight over it, let alone any other possible nightmares that could very well come with having a kid.

Later…

Yup, I was right. Tom just admitted one of his obvious fears about having a kid now. I just asked him before he went to bed if 3 people could live on $8 an hour and he said what I thought - no. Well, thank God then that he won’t cum and that my desire to have one has been altered for life cuz I would never feel right about having a kid on $8 an hour. Maybe $10 - $12 an hour.

Anyway, when I got up he was in a good mood cuz he found ways to sell some of the computer equipment we want to sell. We need to sell his trumpet in order to pay for a new water tank.

Later…

I’ve only been up for 3 and a half hours and I haven’t eaten a thing, yet I weigh 104 fucking pounds! Why? Why is my body acting like it used to? Metabolisms really do slow down with age, I guess. Anyway, I’m gonna try to do what Tom’s been doing and he’s been doing good. He’s lost about 10 pounds. I’m not 138 like I was 10 years ago so that doesn’t make me as desperate, but I’ll try my best to lose at least 5 pounds.

Tom’s really winning this weight bet, but like I said, it’s nice to know that I don’t have to worry about going 24 hours without smoking. Also like I said, it’s not his fault that he got laid off and if I were him I’d have my dental work and the 8 an hour going through my head, too.

Plus, given the ½% chance that he might cum (and even that’s high) he’ll only do it once just cuz of the cigarettes. He’d probably do it during the safest time of the month too, or in my hand.

Hey, I was wrong. There is a prayer that I could ask God and He’d totally grant it. I could ask Him to keep Tom from cumming due to all the reasons I’ve listed and - no problem!

Later…

Suddenly, I found myself in a depressed mood and was crying. I realize more and more that my dreams are either impossible or so very, very far away. I realize more and more how Tom doesn’t speak what’s on his mind but only tells me what I want to hear and that he’ll be forever Scott M-ing me in a way. If only I had no dreams. Then my life would be nearly perfect. How do I make them go away? I have to. I have no choice but to give up.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1995 When I spoke to Tammy the same day I spoke to Larry, she said that cancer patient of hers did die. She goes, “My first one made it 3 days, this one made it 5 days, maybe the next one will make it 6 days.”

Yup, she is definitely cursed, alright. I’ve been teasing her and calling her the black widow, though. In my letter to her, I said that it was a good thing that I was the one who was the dancer and not her cuz she might have killed all those horny customers.

I’ve been drawing like hell. I’m really on a roll now. It comes and goes. Meanwhile, I did envelopes and am doing envelopes for the following people: Larry & Sandy, Larry, Jennifer, Tammy, Tammy’s kids, my parents, Kim, Andy and Sarah. On a sheet of paper, I did some drawings to send to Bob after Kim checks them out. I don’t want to do anything on Bob’s envelope. That wouldn’t be fair after asking him not to do shit up on his envelopes to me. I took journal 92 which is the big one where I put in pictures of Mom and Dad’s flags for decoration on inside covers and copied some ideas from that.

I just wish two things, though. That it was easier to use the scanner and that the scanner would scan in color. Asking Tom to do it is one of those things that’ll take him months to do, just like with the window in the music room. When’s he ever gonna fix that? Hopefully after the tag sale.

His Dad went home from the hospital yesterday, so that’s good, too. Hopefully, he’ll be OK for a while.

Meanwhile, I’ve been drawing the same drawings for these people. I’ve done birds, flowers, musical notes and different designs. I did a dog in a field of leaves last night.

Still feeding the pigeons who are always lurking about for food.

It rained again last night and today it’s in between sunny and dry and cloudy and damp.

Tom did end up waking me up on the day he thought I was ovulating unless he knows differently. Sure enough, though, he didn’t cum. Afterward, he was saying the only things he didn’t like about it were that the angle was off, which I felt was perfect, and that he didn’t cum. Yeah, right! I’m sure he’s just oh so upset over not cumming. I could smell the fear coming from him.

Later that night we were teasing each other, and I was saying how I was constipated at one point and he teasingly goes, “Oh, I guess we can’t have any more fun. You’ve always got an excuse.” And I reminded him that that was his department. Sure enough, after the plan was to go down on me, then screw, came the excuse to get out of it. He went down on me and then said he would’ve screwed if the tax papers hadn’t flown into his mind. I told him he’s gotta stop making excuses. There was plenty of time last night to do both, but no, we had to run and do those tax papers for the business.

This guy loves to tease as much as I love caramel. There’s just no stopping him from it. He’s just having so much fun with it and he’s so hung up on excuses to relieve himself and is so terrified. I’ve never seen or heard anything like it. Just from that nurse I spoke to. It’s nice to know that I know of one other person out there that’s gone through this. I accept his never cumming and I don’t want a child with someone so scared, but does he have to keep playing these games? Why can’t he just come out and tell the truth about how he feels?

Other than that things have been much much better between us. We haven’t fought and have been in good moods trying our best to get stuff done.

Yesterday we went through all the rooms, including the garage, and made a list of the stuff we wish to sell.

I had been constipated for the longest time since I can remember. About 5 days. I was almost afraid to go again, fearing I’d have the runs. I just went, though, and all’s normal with it, thankfully.

I hope I hear from Bob today. I haven’t lately and I hope all’s OK with him. I also hope he’ll tell me that he got that manila envelope OK.

I can’t believe there’s still no one next door, but I love it, I love it, I love it!!!!!!!! It’s so peacefully quiet. Remember how I said that Arizona kids that live in houses play out in their front yard? The kids on the other side of the M’s house do and thank God for that cuz with the way things are set up, I can’t hear them from any part of the house like I could hear the M’s kids no matter where they were. If these kids played in their backyard which they never have since I’ve lived here, that’d be a different story. So, it works out perfectly cuz they don’t interfere with my life or peace.

I haven’t worked on my story for a few days, so I’m gonna go do that soon.

I haven’t heard from Kim so I may call her. I hope she hasn’t had any setbacks.

What else is going on? Well, now we need a new hot water tank since ours is leaking. I swear we oughta move into a modern house, then move every 10 years. As soon as things start to get old and worn out. That way we don’t have to fix or replace stuff.

I spoke to Andy last night and told him about that funny quack psychic, but I’ve spared telling Tom. There’s no telling how he’ll react which I don’t need to deal with, and I have a right to call whoever the hell I want and to talk to whoever the hell I want.

Later…

Finally! I got a 3-page letter from Gloria’s fan club which I’m gonna type in as well as a pin in the shape of a star with her name on it. Lastly, I got that glossy picture of her which is the picture of her that’s on her oldies CD. The letter describes what I’ll get as a member, then goes on to give a little bio on Gloria.

Later…

Wow! Tom’s down to 202 pounds. He’s winning the weight bet, but at least I know I don’t have to worry about losing the cumming bet and having to go 24 impossible hours without smoking.

Anyway, he just got home, so he’s doing the food and TV right now. I showed him Gloria’s stuff I got and told him about Kim’s video. It showed her and Doug, who looks like the type she’d go for, skating. They’re both pretty good skaters. It was still kind of long and boring, though. Afterward, it showed Doug skydiving. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kim got into it cuz she’s sickly brave enough to.

She also enclosed a letter and some psychic audiotape of God knows what.

I finally heard from Bob too, but he says that he hasn’t gotten my story or puzzles. Those fucking guards probably ditched them, cuz get this - they returned a letter I sent him with a couple of puzzles and stuck in a note saying that newsletters were contraband there unless they came straight from the publisher. Why the hell couldn’t they have at least given him the damn letter? Oh, those fucking guards! I may write about pigs and guards in my stories, but I really hate those fucking pigs, guards, lawyers and anyone else associated with the law. Well, I’m not sending any more puzzles to Bob, or any more letters in fingerspelling, cuz for all I know they could bitch about that. What took them so long to complain about the puzzles when I’ve sent them several times before?

Well, now I’m gonna go check the TV guide to see what’s on tonight, then do letters to Kim and Bob.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1995 Boy, have I had excellent drawing luck tonight! Finally!

Let me try to update in order of events. Tom shocked the shit out of me by suggesting we fool around in the morning. He thinks I’m mid-cycle tomorrow, so unless he’s gonna back out of waking me up for sex to try to tease me with the idea, or read my journal to see that I was mid-cycle on the 3rd, it’s a mystery to me. Again, I know I’m safe since I’m not mid-cycle and cuz he won’t cum, but this sure is weird for him. If he doesn’t know the truth of the matter, then he may have some trick or tease up his sleeve. Maybe he’s thinking about oral sex only, but he didn’t make it sound that way and morning is his best time for screwing.

Which is it? Could he have read my journal or is this all about a tease? I think it’s more along the lines of a tease. Us finding out his Dad’s got cancer on the 3rd when I really was ovulating was a sure sign that a kid wasn’t meant to be and that I’d made the right decision to never press or pursue the issue. This is totally unlike Tom, though. He’s pretty much always known when I was mid-cycle, and he wouldn’t even screw me then, even though I could never have gotten pregnant due to his not cumming. Maybe he’s trying to make me think that by screwing me then, even if he doesn’t cum, I’ll believe he wants a kid or something like that. Well, we’ll just have to wait and see what happens, but I’d say this is got to be about 1 of 2 things. He either read the journal or has something on his mind.

Anyway, I called Larry earlier. I started off by saying, guess who this is, and he jokingly guessed Tammy. I said, “Yeah, it’s her and I’m gonna talk your ear off. So, you can just go drive around, etc.”

Then he said, “Yeah, I’ll go out and rake the leaves, too.”

Not much is going on with him. He’s having trouble negotiating with the guy who he’s supposed to buy his trucking company from, but I’m sure he’ll get it worked out. He doesn’t want to drive if he can help it but says if he were single that’d be a different story and he’d never quit. Yeah, I can see him driving for the rest of his life if he were single. I think Larry’s the typical guy in that he wishes he never got married. I don’t think he’s the typical guy as far as the kids are concerned. I think that if he had to choose between dumping the kids or dumping Sandy, he’d dump Sandy.

He told me that Jenny really likes and looks forward to my envelopes. That’s nice. Especially seeing that we’ve only met once. I only saw her a few times when she was just a baby.

Larry also told me it was only 20º in the sunlight at 3:30 his time. Ha, ha, ha!

Anyway, about 8 hours ago, the ideas came flowing in so I did up some really nice envelopes. I did different bird and flower designs as well as shapes I traced from a ruler that has hearts, moons, diamonds, stars and things like that. I also did up staffs with colorful musical notes that came out really cool. People like Andy, Sarah, Kim and Bob will really like them.

I’ll get into what Tammy told Tom and I later.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 1995 Right now I’m in a bummed-out, hopeless kind of mood. I feel it was a hell of a thing that we had to find out about Tom’s Dad when I was mid-cycle. It’s like a sign to me saying, don’t bother with any dreams or goals of yours cuz something will just come up to get in the way of them. I’m so sick of this shit. I mean, just when it looks like things just may go well, this shit has to happen. Tom said he’d try to keep things going around here as best he could, but I’m not stupid. This is gonna have to get in the way whether he looks for it to be an excuse to not do certain things we said we were gonna do or not. Sometimes I wish that Tom and I were each 10 years younger cuz then maybe when we’re older we can have a break and do stuff for us for a change. I feel that the bulk of our years is going to be spent doing for others. That’d be fine if it could only balance out and we could do for us more often. At the rate we’re going, we’ll never have the business going successfully and I’ll never be a singer of any kind. Not what with the way one thing after another seems to happen. Thank God I don’t want a kid like I did before, cuz this is gonna be Tom’s perfect little excuse and reason for not cumming. I’m sure the stress will play some part in his not cumming, but the bulk of it is gonna be his ticket to escaping fatherhood. Well, I assured him already that I’m not gonna force him and he knows I don’t feel like I used to feel about it. I didn’t get into the details of why I now feel that the worst thing we could ever do would be to have a kid only cuz we’re not at risk of my ever getting pregnant. Even if he did cum.

I still wish I knew why God (if there ever was one) is so determined to hold us back in life. To keep each day, month, and year the same as always.

Thank God I’m not desperate to go back east this May, cuz there’s no way for two reasons. There won’t be enough money and now there are his parents to take care of.

At the same time, I feel so blessed, I feel so cheated. I sit back and I watch everyone else in both of our families do the things they want to do whether they’re going through hell or not. Meanwhile, Tom and I will never get to do the things we want to do, no matter how our lives are. Call me selfish, but sometimes I wish neither of us had family. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about them first and put our lives on hold. I’m not saying Tom wouldn’t take care of me if I were sick right now, but there’s no hope for us to do any of the things we want. Every time I feel a slight sliver of hope, something has to come up and ruin it all.

Later…

Tom just got home a little while ago and got me in a much better mood. His Dad’s pneumonia is under control, so he will probably be going home today. He still has cancer to deal with but will be fine for now. His Mom’s doing well too, and Tom reassured us that we can go on with our lives. We’ll just adjust to anything that comes up whether I get sick, he does, my Dad, etc.

Thank God, though, that he’ll never cum! I’ve had enough to do and worry about and I’m sure there’s still plenty more to do and worry about down the road.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 1995 Oh, my God, do I ever have the funniest phone call to tell about? I learned a long time ago back in Springfield before I moved to Deerfield that the phone psychics are quacks. Yes, I do believe in them, but not the ones at those 900 numbers. Especially since I was told that I’d quit smoking for good in 1991 or 1992, would move to Miami, and have a 3-year relationship with a woman, then another long-term one after that.

Anyway, last night a commercial came on for one of their numbers and the first two minutes were said to be free. So, I decided to have fun for a couple of minutes. I called and a woman answered. She asked me my name which I told her was Lisa. Never did she question that one. Then she asked for my date of birth and I told her I had just 1 question. I asked her if my husband and I would ever have the one child we want. She asked me if I’d ever had any miscarriages and I told her I’d never been pregnant before. Then she went on to say that two weeks after your period is the safe sex time when I’ve always heard the exact opposite. Then she said something about having sex every 3 days during the last week or so before my period. She said she does see it and that my body was about to go through a major change. Then she started to say something about next summer and I said, “So I’ll be pregnant next summer?”

She said, “No, in December.”

I asked, “Next December?”

She said, “No, this December.”

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!!!!!! That one’s funnier than the lady who told me back in 1991 that I was to be moving to Miami.

Later…

Someone’s getting a new block wall. The truck with the blocks is parked out back here on W. Weldon St. but the person seems to live somewhere down the alley out back.

Every so often throughout the day, I think of what that quack psychic told me and start to crack up to myself. Thank God this isn’t someone who’s proven to be a legit psychic to me in any way, cuz then I’d be pretty worried. I say that for two reasons. Cuz I meant it when I said that I’d rather wonder all about if I’d had had a kid, then take chances having one. Also, cuz to think that I’d have only one more month of freedom till it was bye-bye to the hobbies and things I love to do is quite scary. Maybe I’m not as scared as Tom is about having a kid, but I’d still be scared enough.

I finished typing Journal 99, like I said before, and why the hell I spelled the word lose as loose 4 different times beats me. I know better than that. I learned the difference from Gloria’s Let It Loose album which came out in 1987.

As soon as we can we’re gonna get more of these spiral journals to put my story in, although I won’t be surprised if, in the end, the story took up 2 or 3 of them. It’d probably take up about 8 regular journals that I handwrote.

I called to check if Zia’s music store-bought CDs for $5 bucks like I think I’ve heard. The guy said it depended on their condition and the demand for them, but they usually sell for around 3 or 4 bucks.

I’ve got to pluck out the bridge across my nose. Meaning, eyebrow hair that grows there. At least you can’t see it unless you look for it. I also get hairs on my tits that I have to pluck out. Maybe I’ll polish my nails, too. They’ve really grown out and are looking much better. They’re still not as nice as they used to be when I was younger, though. I remember when I was about 8-12 years old, probably more like 9-10, and June, who was once married to Ronnie, my mother’s brother was over at the first house we lived in on Berkeley Drive in Longmeadow. June and I were sitting at the kitchen table and ma was doing something at the sink when June noticed my long nails and was saying how beautiful they were.

About every 4 days or so, I hear this dog that sounds about 3 houses away that I once could’ve sworn was the M’s second dog. Isn’t that weird? I know they didn’t bring it to check out their house or to visit with someone around here, cuz I never see any kind of a vehicle next door or someone pulling up or leaving from a neighbor’s house. My guess is that this dog lives a few houses away and someone walks it around the block every handful of days. Thank God this thing isn’t next door or even two houses down, cuz this dog has one of the most obnoxious barks I’ve ever heard. Even more so than the M’s first dog. It’s got a high whining bark to it that’s very loud. I really would do everything in my power to kill it if it lived next door. Well, I’m sure I’ll be feeling that way soon enough. Just as soon as the fucking house next door sells.

I just remembered a couple of things that the psychic did say and it scared me cuz it was true. She said to give this guy (meaning Tom, of course) a break and that I was trying too hard. God, please don’t let her be right about December! Then again, like I really do have to worry at all!

How could she have been right about that, but an obvious quack about December? Maybe cuz the part of it that she was right about was common sense. I was trying too hard and you know about my talks with Tom, so I think anyone would assume that the person wouldn’t be calling about it if they weren’t trying too hard at some point and having heavy-duty discussions about it with their mate.

I don’t know how I’ll feel about it all in April of ‘97, but right now, the idea turns me off for reasons I discussed before and I just can’t help to feel that, just like I couldn’t help feeling the intense desire for one back when I did for those couple of years or so.

Later…

I polished my nails a little while ago and now I’m making a TV dinner. I just fed the birds a little, too. Every time I go out there, it seems that they multiply, so I gave them some seeds and sat on the swing as my nails dried while they ate. They’re getting more comfortable eating that close to me.

I decided to take a break from working on my story, but I might work on it later. Yesterday and the day before I really worked hard on it for many hours. The ideas keep flowing. I never could write like this in the past. Having a computer sure does make it more encouraging, though.

Later…

I just ate my TV dinner.

Tom got off of work a half-hour ago, but he’s gone to get his mother to go to the hospital. I have a much-improved feeling about his Dad. For some reason, they can’t figure out why they’re giving him bags of potassium through his IV.

I tried calling Kim, but her line has been busy all day. That’s typical Kim. I remember that on the rare occasion she was home, she’d always be making and getting calls. I’d come over there after seeing nobody for God knows how many hours or even days and I couldn’t have even 5 straight minutes of a conversation with her cuz of her and her phone.

I also called and scheduled a pap with Dr. Rugg for the 10th at 1:30.

I forgot to mention a test I did out of curiosity. Well, today’s the day that I’m mid-cycle, yet when I took my temperature it was below normal. I guess I either don’t really ovulate or am doing so at an odd time this month.

“You’ll be pregnant this December.” What a joke! When I ask myself if Tom would find that a good month, in particular, to cum and try for a kid if he changed his mind about it, I can’t think of anything. You know him, there’s always something to wait for. Last night he said we’d have a family as soon as possible, but right now he’s got to help see his Dad get well. Well, thank God we don’t, then, cuz then what would he do? I never thought I’d say this, but thank God he is the way he is and so full of hot air for my sake. For our sake as well as for just my sake.

What shall I do now? Should I watch any of the 5 episodes I’ve got taped of Little House? Should I go listen to music? I can’t make up my mind, so I guess I’ll just go listen to music for a while till I decide on something.

Later…

I swear the people’s dog across the street’s getting louder and louder at times. Why, I don’t understand. I hadn’t heard that dog for ages, till a month or so ago. Like I said before, God’s gotta do something. I’m surprised the music people haven’t started up again seeing that next door is still empty. I haven’t even seen that kid visit and I’m sure that if he was, I’d know it when he came and went. He used to blare his car stereo. My guess is that he and Mommy had a falling out.

For some reason the water tank is leaking, so I’ll let Tom know about it. I wonder if he rigged it to do that to turn the water temp down to save money, although I doubt it. As he was turning it up he made a comment saying that it hadn’t been touched and that it was set the same as it was last winter.

No, it wasn’t. I remember the bathwater being too cool last winter and having to turn it up.

Later…

Tom came home and went right for the food and TV as usual. He’s no doubt beat and will be vegging out till bedtime. Me? I’m beat, too. I only slept from 3 AM - 8 AM. As a matter of fact, I think I’m gonna go lay down now and I might even fall asleep, too.

Later…

I haven’t been able to conk out, so instead, I’ll write about the terrible news we just got. I had had an improving vibe about Tom’s dad, but boy was I wrong. The poor man has two different kinds of cancer all over his entire body. Not enough is known at this time as far as what they’re gonna do about it, but he probably won’t be given chemo treatments due to how lousy they make you feel, and he’s 83 years old.

I know that psychic was 100% BS, but now I know she’s 200% BS. This is probably gonna be a long drawn-out thing and there’s no way Tom’s not gonna think of his Dad before the business, music, family, etc. And I don’t blame him one bit. With me helping any way I can, he’s gonna have to deal with helping both his parents, then his Mom after his father dies. The cancer may not necessarily kill him, though, or it could take years. It’s just too soon to know what’s going on and what’s going to happen. Tom said that he’s gonna think about what he can do to help his parents.

I wonder if this is hereditary. How common is this? Can it just suddenly hit anyone? I mean, it’s just totally sad and scary. Well, like I said, all we can do right now is sit back and just wait and see what happens.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1995 Today Tom will be home very late. After work, he’s gonna go pick up his mother and they’re both gonna go to the hospital.

If I’m OK, tomorrow’s the day I ovulate. I’ve heard all kinds of reports and some say you ovulate for 3 days and some say you ovulate for 1 day a month. I believe it’s more like 1. Anyway, my point is, is that even if he’d let himself cum tomorrow, there’s no way we’re gonna have the time. The guy’s gonna be very busy and surely beat.

On Sunday, the day he thinks I’m ovulating, I’ll just say something like I hope we can have fun today and I’ll wait and see if he approaches me or not. I still find it a hell of a coincidence that we’ve never screwed when I was mid-cycle during the whole time we’ve been together. Truthfully, though, I know it’s no coincidence. It’s all on upstairs. Why, though? All it has to do is keep controlling Tom’s brain into being afraid to cum. Don’t get me wrong, I believe Tom made his choice all by himself, but I still feel that upstairs is also greatly responsible for a large degree of who, what, and how we are.

The other morning when Tom went to put the birdseed in its container he said there were 11 pigeons lined up waiting to be fed. Not this morning. This morning there were 22 of them.

Last night we got slammed with tons of rain. It’s been nearly two months since it rained like that and it’s a miracle that my TV shows were recorded OK and that we didn’t lose the cable and the power altogether. There’s still one other movie that I taped that I’m still not sure how it came out.

I’m doing a new thing. Well, I have 6 blank videotapes available and I’m recording 36 episodes of Little House. They’re on twice a day Monday through Friday.

Later…

I worked on my story for the last 14 hours, so now I’ll update you on what else is going on. Tom got in around 7:00 and said that his Dad is really bad. We both still think he’ll be just fine, but his lungs are pretty filled up. Anyway, he’s gonna see him again tomorrow.

We had a nice discussion earlier. He’s finally agreed that it’s a waste of space to have shit around that he doesn’t use or want anymore. He also seems to want to be more organized, so we’re gonna go through each room over the weekend and see what we want to get rid of. He said if we’re gonna do it, we might as well do it right. I agree with that.

He also said again he’s eager to work towards the things we want, like the business, the singing and the family. I still think he’s full of hot air when it comes to the family, but that’s OK. We have enough to do.

Let me tell you about a couple of comments I made, though. One was when I said that I think we’ve had some things that we’ve been talking about wanting to do but have been too afraid to and I think we should just go for it and do it. His answer was that he agreed. Was that a confession, or did what I say go right over his head?

I also said that due to his worry over his Dad, I’d understand if we didn’t screw this weekend or have the time, but I’d hoped we could. He said yes, so that’s all I’ll say. I gave him the word and he knows, or he thinks, I should say, that I’m ovulating this weekend. Cuz even though I know it’s too late this month if he’d cum and if I were OK and if I still wanted one as much as I did, I still am curious to see how long this pattern will go on.

Well, I’m gonna go set the VCR to record the Little House episode that’s on in the morning, just in case I’m not up in time for it.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 1995 I just went and found the graph to record my breathing levels, but I couldn’t remember how to add on to what I’ve already got, but then I figured it out and updated the chart.

You know, I am really sick of this fucking lower gut of mine being so bloated and the feeling of pressure. It’s like something’s inside there pushing outward. Before my period I’m bloated, during my period I’m bloated and after my period I’m bloated. I’m so sick of it and I don’t understand it. Something’s telling me it shouldn’t be this way. It feels hard too, and I try to tell myself it’s fat and that’s what happens when you gain weight, it’s the normal curvature of a woman, etc., but something tells me it doesn’t have to be with me. It’s not supposed to be with me. I get the feeling something’s wrong and it scares me. It would make sense for something to be wrong due to my situation. I always had the feeling that whatever was up there didn’t approve of me having sex. No matter whom it’s with. Plus, I wouldn’t be surprised if something’s punishing me with either just the feelings of my gut the way it is, whether or not there’s something wrong or not, due to my wanting and asking for a child which is going against its wishes for me. Well, I don’t want one as much as I used to and I’ll want one less and less with time, and I sure as hell won’t ask for one. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d rather want one all my life than go through whatever hell may come with it and what it may do to our relationship when we’ve already had enough to fight about. Also, after every time I’ve asked God to let Tom let himself cum or asked Him for a child, trouble comes.

The weather’s really yucky today. It’s quite cool and it’s cloudy. They say there are chances of rain over the next few days.

Later…

I just went out and fed the birds a little more. This morning as Tom was filling a new bag into the container, he said there were 11 pigeons lined up waiting to be fed.

It’s so nice and peaceful and quiet not having the Ms over there. I can’t believe the house has been vacant for that long! What luck, huh? I just dread the day the new kids and dogs get over there and ruin the peace. Oh, how I wish it’d be vacant till it gets really hot next year, but I know there’s no chance of that. It’ll be sold by February. Probably even much sooner.

I hope I get a letter from Bob today saying that he got the manila envelope with the word find puzzles and the Robin story.

God, it really is like Massachusetts out there! I have the back door open anyhow and I’ll give it at least a quick airing out with the EC, then smoke outside only.

My stomach’s still bugging me, even though I took Gas-X tablets and have shit yesterday and today.

Later…

My stomach’s still bugging me and I really think it’s just gas. I hope it’s just gas. I guess I’ll just have to live with it. It’s just not meant for me to have a flat belly.

I did some singing earlier and now the phone just rang, but I don’t feel like chatting. People always call when I’m busy. They’re just gonna have to wait till I’m not doing much of anything.

I saw a crane remove an old EC, then replace it with a new one a few houses down out back. That was neat.

Well, I guess I’ll go see if whoever called left a message and then do something else.

Later…

It sure is pouring out there right now.

Anyway, my stomach’s a little better now, but it isn’t perfect. For the first time in my life, I took one of Tom’s Rolaids earlier.

Tom’s been trying to get ahold of his mother to see how his Dad is. He spoke to her from work and according to her, they’re worried about his heart, but Tom and I both feel he’ll be OK.

Well, that’s all for now until tomorrow.

[rendevousz]

sick

avengers x gn!teen!reader

platonic!peter parker x reader

requested by @sunflowerbecca : "hey! a request with the whole teen avengers thing you got gotten on haha, anyways something where the reader gets hurt or faints etc etc and then the rest of the avengers are all worried and frantic as they care for them"

summary: there was a consequence of going on a mission while you were sick

warnings: mentions of throwing up and a tiny fight with bestfriend!peter, avengers babying you as usual

word count: roughly 5k words of utter bullshit me thinks but pls do give this a read LMAO

notes: i'm sorry this took longer to write i was unexpectedly busy on the weekends but here i am i hope you enjoy this <3

"stark, you sure about this?"

"of course i'm sure, capsicle. the kids have been bugging us to let them go on a mission together. i know it's because they just want to mess around without being scolded but this is the easiest mission we've ever gotten since the avengers. besides, they've been pretty good lately so i think they deserve it. don't you guys think so?"

his question was met with approving looks all over the room, except from steve. the whole team except the teens —you and peter— were having a meeting about a simple mission that was supposed to happen that night. you and peter weren't in the meeting because you two were still at school.

it had been months since you and peter started asking the team to let you guys go on missions alone without "adult supervision". it was true that you guys wanted that just so you could do missions without feeling like you were being babysat but it was also because you guys thought that you weren't kids anymore; you could handle simple missions.

"c'mon cap, don't you want to see their face light up when we tell them they can go on this mission together, without us?" clint urged. he knew steve loved the kids, especially you, and he especially loved seeing the way your eyes would light up first before you whole face did.

"okay, fine. but if anything happens to them, you guys are to blame for."

–

school had just finished and you were walking back to the tower with peter. you've been having a killer headache all day and you felt nauseous. you even went to the washroom to throw up twice today. of course you didn't tell peter because he was that type of overprotective best friend who would make you get home if you sneezed more than three times that day. all you wanted to do today was get home quick so you could sleep the sickness away.

yes, you knew you were sick. but you didn't want to tell anyone because like peter, the whole team was overprotective over you and they usually did too much when you were sick. so you avoided that by just acting like you were okay. that was going well so far since all you had to do when you get home was go to your room and tell them you stayed up late last night and needed to catch up on sleep.

of course that didn't go well.

"y/n!" you groaned when peter entered your room uninvited, immediately jumping onto your bed. "yes, pete?" you croaked. his joyful expression turned into a frown when he heard you. "what's wrong? are you okay?"

"yes, pete, i'm okay. just super sleep deprived." you lied, cringing when you felt your head throb once again. "oh.. did you..did you want to sleep? am i interrupting?" he asked, feeling bad. "no, no. it's fine, what did you want?"

"i just came to tell you that mr stark and the team are finally gonna let us go on a mission without them! there's one tonight and they're letting us go alone!" he announced excitedly. you couldn't help the small smile that appeared on your lips when he said that. his happiness was just so contagious.

"but if you wanna sleep then i'll just go with any one of them, i guess," he shrugged his shoulders with a nonchalant face but you knew he was internally begging you to come with. after all, you guys have been asking for this for the longest time.

you look at his hopeful face —one that he thought he was concealing very well— and sighed, flashing him a small smile. "fine, it's friday anyways so there's no school tomorrow. but you're buying me food tomorrow for postponing my catchup on beauty sleep," that is, if you can stomach the food, considering how you've thrown up almost anything you had for the past two days.

the thought of this mission going awry because of you being sick was almost immediately forgotten when you saw the huge smile on peter's face. he pulled you into a tight hug before letting go to jump on your bed. "we're finally gonna go on a mission alone!"

you laugh at his excitement though you wished he could lower down his volume because it was making your head hurt.

later that evening, you were in your room, sitting on the bed after having just finished putting on your suit when a knock was heard. after telling the person to come in, you met eyes with a certain blond haired super-soldier.

"hey, y/n." he greets, sitting down beside you. "hey, steve," you responded with a weak voice. he turned to you with a frown and you knew what was coming. "i'm fine, steve. i already had this conversation with pete. i just need sleep but i can get that after this mission. i'm not gonna be fine though if you wake me up at the crack of dawn to train when you know i just had a late night mission." you sassed, causing him to chuckle.

"okay, fine. i'm just worried about you two. you sure you're gonna be fine? don't need me to come along?" he asked, concern written all over his face.

"yes, steve. pete's been wanting a mission without you old folks for the longest time and i'm not gonna disappoint him by making you come along. we'll be fine, stevie. we're not little kids, we're avengers. we can handle finding a random chip in an abandoned building," you reasoned with him.

"it's not a rando— you know what? just be back home safe, okay kiddo?" he ruffled your hair, earning him a playful glare from you.

-

the swing trip to the mission location had you even more nauseous than you were earlier today and earlier today was worse than yesterday when the symptoms of your fever all started. you almost let go of peter because your body felt weak and now you were getting an earful from the boy.

"y/n, what were you thinking?! you could've gotten hurt!" he scolded you. you only looked down in guilt, biting the inside of your cheeks. "can we not do this now? let's talk about this back at the tower tomorrow," you waved him off, already beginning to feel the pounding headache getting worse. you started to walk ahead but then he gripped your upper arm, effectively halting you in your steps.

"y/n, if i hadn't grabbed onto you tighter the last minute, you could've plummeted 100 feet down to your death! did you know how scared i was?" his voice cracked and you immediately felt bad.

"you know you need to hold on too when i'm swinging us both! why'd you do that?" he yelled at you and you had to press onto your temple because of the headache that was steadily getting worse.

"look, pete, i'm really sorry about that, okay? that was unintentional but if you're gonna berate me over that, can you do that back at the tower?" you sighed, trying to shrug his grip off your arm but he kept it.

"you don't know the true weight of your actions, do you? you could've died, y/n! how do you think i would feel? being the reason my best friend died? having to go on with life without you? i can't lose you, y/n!" at this point, you could tell he was crying under his mask.

you felt bad. you knew you shouldn't have agreed to go on this mission knowing that you had been sick for the past two days. but you couldn't have let the opportunity pass. you couldn't bear to see peter disappointed after waiting for this moment for the longest time ever. but standing here, looking down as peter yelled at you while crying, you were starting to think that it was better to just see his disappointment. anything was better than seeing your best friend cry.

"pete, i truly am sorry. i love you and i would never leave you. but can we please get this mission over and done with so we can get back to the tower as soon as possible? we'll talk about this later," you told him and you immediately felt him let go of your arm.

"okay, fine! since you wanna get the mission done so bad, let's do it! i'll take the east side of the building and you'll take west. we'll split up so can find the goddamn chip quicker. that's what you want right?" and before you could say anything, the boy was already out of your sight.

you tried to keep your tears at bay but when that was the first huge argument you had with your best friend, it was kind of an impossible task.

so with your weak muscles and a breakdown that caused your headache to get even worse, you slowly trudged the west side of the building, looking for that stupid chip that the team wanted you to find.

you were beginning to think that the only reason the team sent you both here was because to find a tiny little chip in a huge abandoned building was like finding a needle in a haystack; definitely not something adults like them could bear to do.

but it obviously wouldn't have mattered to you and peter since you guys could do it peacefully without being pestered every two minutes about your whereabouts during missions. it obviously wouldn't have mattered to you and peter because if that argument hadn't broken out, you two would be enjoying each others company as you looked for the chip together. you could've been singing and joking around like you two wanted to. but of course that couldn't happen because of you.

you stopped in your tracks when a particularly harsh wave of migraine hit you, causing you to lean against the wall. your vision blurred as you tried hard to clear it but it wouldn't. your throat was dry and it made you think; when was the last time you drank water? you barely had energy in you from skipping meals due to your inability to stomach them.

now you were actually regretting coming on this mission. the last thing you saw was the dirty walls decorated with spray painted graffiti.

-

"oh my god, is this it? KAREN, is this it?" peter asked his built in AI. "yes, peter, this chip matches the picture that mr stark sent you."

"yes!" he cheered, grabbing the chip and storing it safely. "this mission probably would've been a lot more fun if y/n and i weren't fighting. we would've had so much fun. these walls had countless of stuff we could've laughed and joked about." the boy sighed before pressing a finger to his comms.

"hey i uh, i found the chip. where are you? we can go now." he said, waiting for you to respond. but you didn't. "c'mon, y/n, it's been two hours. you can't still be giving me the silent treatment, are you?"

silence.

"look, i'm sorry for lashing out on you but like you said, let's settle this at the tower. tell me where you are. i'll come get you and we can swing back as soon as possible."

silence.

"goddamnit, y/n! answer me!" he huffed out in annoyance. and when he was met with silence once again, he decided to have KAREN do a scan.

"y/n is at the exact same spot you landed on two hours ago." KAREN showed him the scan of the building and highlighted where you guys landed on two hours ago. he felt his heart race when you seemed to be lying on the ground, motionless.

"what's wrong with them, KAREN? why is y/n lying on the floor?" he asked in concern as he sped up to where you were. "y/n seems to have lost consciousness. according to FRIDAY, they have been showing symptoms of a high fever since yesterday."

peter cursed as he ran towards you when he saw you from afar. how could he have not noticed that you were sick? and it wasn't a simple cold but a high fever. now he was the one who felt bad. he should've suspected it from how different you had been acting since yesterday. that must've also been the reason you couldn't hold on to him properly.

he immediately crouched down to you when he reached you, examining your body for any external injuries. he cringed when he saw dried blood on the side of your forehead. you must've scraped it upon impact on the rough concrete.

"how long have they been out?" he asked KAREN as he picked you up. he proceeded to web you onto his body as extra precaution in case he accidentally let go while he swung. "approximately 2 hours, peter. right after you stormed away angrily."

"okay, KAREN, there's no need to make me feel bad. can you call mr stark?" peter asks the AI as he frantically swings you both back to the tower.

"kid? what's up? did you find the chip?" peter could hear the background rock music being lowered down and from the metal on metal clanking, he could tell tony was in his lab.

"i did but can you, uh, please get medic ready?" he was breathless as he kept swinging from building to building all while holding onto your unconscious body. immediately the metal tinkering sounds as well as the music completely stopped.

"what happened, kid? are you alright?"

"i'm okay, mr stark. it's y/n. they fainted." he told the man. "fainted?" the man exclaimed. "what happened? how long were they out?" he urged the boy and peter could hear that he was walking quickly and he assumed it was to get the medic team ready and to inform them of the situation.

"2 hours," he admitted quietly as he landed on the tower's hangar. "i'm here. i'm bringing them down now." he ran down towards the hospital wing with you in his arms.

once he reached down, he was met with the team waiting, worry etched onto their faces. wanda was the first to notice him and peter saw that her eyes were teary. before he could say anything though, the medic team appeared and proceeded to cut off his webs wrapping you to him. they immediately put you onto the stretcher and they wheeled you into the room, peter's gaze lingering on your unconscious self once he took off his mask.

"what happened out there, kid?" sam asked softly when peter slid down against the wall, staring expressionlessly at the wall across of him. "peter."

"we had a fight, okay!" he let out, taking the team by surprise because he was always such a calm and patient boy. they had never seen him this angry or upset since they first met him.

"we were swinging and their grip on me loosened so i got mad at them. but they kept pushing the matter aside like it wasn't a big deal, like it wasn't a life or death situation so i lashed out and decided that we should split up to look for the stupid chip since they wanted to get back to the tower so bad." he explained, eyes red as he had been crying a lot that night.

"i tried apologising like ten minutes after but y/n didn't respond so i assumed they were giving me the silent treatment but i found them unconscious two hours later. i'm so sorry," he apologised, breaking down as he put his face in between his knees to avoid looking at the team. they were probably mad at him for letting this happen to you.

"kid, why are you apologising? it's not your fault,"

he slowly lifted his head up, to meet the kind smiles of the team. "because the only reason y/n probably went on this mission was because they knew how much i wanted this. they put their own well-being aside just to make me happy and all i did was lash out at them."

"how were you supposed to know y/n had a high fever? we all didn't know either. it's not like we spend every waking hour with th—" clint was immediately cut off when nat nudged him with her elbow. peter had an unamused expression on his face. everyone knew you and peter were practically attached at the hip, always having training, and not to mention, school together. you two even spent your free time together.

"what clint means," nat glared at the archer. "is that it doesn't matter how much time or how little time we spend with y/n. that kid is stubborn as a bull. they could literally have been shot and we wouldn't know until we actually see the wound. my point is, y/n's the type that doesn't want to worry us. and you're their best friend, they knew how much you wanted this mission so that's probably why they didn't tell you. you can't blame yourself for this, peter."

"i know but they did this for me and i got mad at them. they're a much better friend to me than i am to them." peter dropped his head back down between his knees.

before any of them could respond, doctor cho approached them. "as you all know, they have a high fever. i suggest you all come visit tomorrow because they most probably won't wake until then."

"okay, will do. thank you, doc." the doctor smiled before excusing herself. peter then got up to go back to his room to wash up after handing tony the chip.

tony could only sigh when he looked at the boy's back that was growing smaller as he walked farther away.

-

the next day, you woke up with a terrible headache but you had gotten used to it from the past two mornings.

"good, you're awake. how do you feel?"

you squinted to get used to the bright lighting and your gaze settled on the female doctor by your bed with a clipboard. "like shit." you croaked out. she chuckled. "that's expected. your fever has calmed down now, do you feel anything else?"

"this headache makes me want to rip my head out and i feel weak." she nodded, jotting down on her clipboard. "okay. that's all i needed to know. you should come to us if you're ever unwell, y/n." you gave her a guilty smile before nodding.

"there's a glass of water on the table if you want. the team wants to see you so i'll send them in?" you nodded and she left to bring them in. you looked at the bedside table, seeing the glass of water she mentioned and only now you realised how dry your throat had been. how you managed to verbally respond to doctor cho, you didn't know.

you slowly reached out for it, struggling because your whole body felt weak. "y/n! stay in bed, i'll get it for you." you heard a stern voice scold and you immediately fell limp on the bed.

before you knew it, steve was already by your side with the glass of water. he held your face in one hand while the other held the glass near your mouth. you smiled gratefully and took your time drinking the water, having been dehydrated before you passed out.

"you're still burning up," he noted, settling down on the chair beside you. the rest sat down too and you couldn't be bothered to ask how the heck were there so many chairs in the room. "how are you feeling, y/n/n?" bruce asked, sitting down across steve.

"like shit." you repeated your answer to doctor cho. before steve could open his mouth to tell you to watch your language, you turned to him with a bored look and a raised eyebrow, causing him to close his mouth immediately. boy, were you scary when you weren't about to take anyone's shit.

"why didn't you tell us you were sick, bubs?" wanda pouted, fixing your hair that you were sure looked like a bird's nest at the moment.

"i didn't want to worry you guys. you're adults who have much more important things to worry about. a kid throwing up and experiencing headaches shouldn't be your priority." you admitted, subconsciously playing with nat's fingers. she had gotten used to you doing that when you were nervous or overwhelmed so she let you.

"what are you talking about, y/n?" she held onto your hand, stoping your movements. "anything related to your safety and well-being is a priority to us. you had us worried sick last night, bub." she looked down at you with soft eyes, releasing her grip on your hands so you could continue playing with her fingers.

"yes, you worried us lots, y/n. wanda would not stop crying last night when she heard what happened." vision said, prompting a smack from said woman and a hushed 'vis!'.

"i'm sorry, guys. i initially was just going to stay in my room until i got better but when peter told me about the mission, i couldn't bear to say no to him. he was so happy about it and i didn't want to disappoint him. and i thought i could take it because it literally was the simplest mission ever. but the breakdown i had after our argument was physically draining and i guess i couldn't take it. i'm sorry. god, i only didn't want to disappoint peter but now i've disappointed you guys too." you bit the inside of your cheek to control your emotions, not wanting to seem even weaker in front of these adult superheroes.

"you didn't disappoint us, y/n/n," bucky started. "you've done so well, you've made us proud and you keep making us proud. we just wish you would tell us when you're sick or you just need someone. you don't have to keep everything to yourself. what are we here for? we love you and we're willing to do anything for you. you're our baby." he ruffled your hair and you give him a tired smile. "i'll keep that in mind."

"do you want anything to eat?" sam asked and you paused, trying to figure out whether you would be able to stomach some food or not. "you know what? i'm gonna go and make you some porridge right now. don't move." he told you, as if you could move with these overprotective heroes surrounding your bed.

almost immediately after, wanda got up too. "i'm going to make sure he doesn't burn the kitchen down." she said, leaving the room after a small peck to the side of your head. vision then left too after wishing you a speedy recovery. only bucky, steve, natasha and bruce were left.

"y/n, you know you can come to us if you're sick, right? i know you and you probably think you're troubling doctor cho if you go to her despite it being her job. but we're family, you can come to us anytime. you always help me when with 'the other guy' and you help everyone with basically anything they could possibly need so why wouldn't we do the same for you? you out of everyone in this tower deserves the most." your eyes watered at his speech. you pouted and looked at him with your doe eyes, making the rest of the team internally coo at how adorable you looked.

"bruce," you lower lip jutted out even more as you opened your arms for a hug which he happily accepted. "hey where's clint, tony and pete?" you asked them once you let go of bruce.

"clint went out to get your favourite smoothie from that place you always talk about even though i told him already that you probably don't want it since you're sick." natasha explained. "aw, i think i'm gonna drink it solely because clint made an effort to get it for me."

"you're too nice, bub. but expect it in an hour or so because i know for sure that idiot somehow got himself lost trying to find that shop." you chuckled at this, leaning back against your propped up pillow. "what about tony and pete?"

"peter feels really bad about this whole situation so tony is trying to cheer him up. wait," steve stopped mid-explanation, turning to the rest. "stark told us to get him when y/n's up..." he trailed off and bucky's eyes widened. "he's gonna kill us for him not being the first person y/n sees when they wake up."

"FRIDAY, inform stark that y/n is awake."

"oh yeah he has an AI why couldn't he just tell the AI to inform him instead of us forgetful humans?" bucky questioned rhetorically and before they knew it, they heard frantic screaming and thudding of footsteps before the door was open.

"my baby! you're awake!" was the first thing you heard when the door slammed open. tony rushed in, pushing bruce away as he immediately pulled you into a hug. "you're still burning up, cupcake. have you had anything to eat yet? drank any water yet? here have some water," he grabbed the glass of water steve helped you drink earlier and did exactly what steve did. you had no choice but to drink.

"sam's making them porridge," nat told tony and he turned to her with an incredulous look. "wanda's helping." she added and he sighed out in relief before turning back to you.

"cupcake, you had us all worried last night. please don't ever do that again, okay?" he said, gently caressing your cheek. you gave him an awkward smile. "where's peter?"

"he's taking a swing. he says it helps clear his mind," tony said. "how are you doing here? nice room? comfy bed?" he pointed to the bed you were on.

"i'd much rather be in my own room, on my own bed." and without a warning, steve already had you in his arms while tony went to go tell doctor cho that you were being moved. the blond super-soldier started walking while natasha walked closely behind, dragging your IV drip along so it doesn't get ripped out of your arm.

when you reached your room, you were gently put down on your bed and steve fixed your blanket so it was covering you. "comfy?" he asked and you nodded with a big smile.

"i have to finish some stuff up down the lab," bruce said and you nodded at him with a pout. "i'll come back sometime later, though. you better be resting up all day." he warned jokingly. he ruffled your hair, planting a kiss on your forehead before leaving your room.

"can you tell pete that i want to see him when he comes back?" you told tony and he immediately sent out a text to your best friend.

after about an hour of just steve, nat and tony entertaining you, sam came back with wanda with the porridge and tony insisted that he feed you or you he wasn't going to let you see peter.

"alright, bub, i think you should really get some rest now. you can barely keep your eyes open," nat says, already getting up with your empty bowl of porridge. "we'll tell spiderboy you're asleep."

"okay," you mumbled, eyes already fluttering shut. you felt every single one of them give you a forehead kiss and then you were out like light.

when you woke up later that day, you felt much better than you did the last time you woke up. you decided that you now had enough energy to take a quick shower so you did. once you were done, you dried your hair while humming to a random song before the door opening interrupted you.

your eyes met with peter's guilty ones. "h–hey, you're awake," he stated and you nodded with a small smile, sitting on your bed and peter doing the same.

"look, y/n/n, i'm really sorry about what happened. i shouldn't have lashed out on you witho—"

"pete," you cut him off. "don't apologise. i'd be mad too if you did something as stupid as that." you reasoned. "yeah but it's not like you did it on purpose! you had a valid reason and i got mad at you for it." he spoke in frustration.

"dude, stop. i'm the one who's supposed to be sorry. i should've just told you i was sick. but i didn't want to upset you because you've been waiting for this for the longest time. but i ruined it for you. i'm sorry, pete." you rested your head on his shoulder and he rested his on top of yours.

"i wanna say that i'm the one at fault but then this conversation won't end until like next week so let's just say we're both at fault, yeah? you need to start telling people what's happening with you and i need to be better at reading you." he said, wrapping an arm around you and pulling you into a hug. you hugged him back. "okay."

the door then opened, revealing bucky with his stupid shit-eating grin and you knew what was coming. you let go of peter and immediately you were lifted off the bed and over bucky's shoulders as he excitedly chanted about team movie night.

the night was spent watching a movie with the team you considered your family and them pampering you even more than they usually did (which, frankly, was still too much) since you were sick.

and right when the movie ended and everyone was preparing to head in, the door to the common room slammed open and a disheveled clint entered, holding a single cup of smoothie.

"got your smoothie, y/n/n!"

[disasterlegend]

Things that the chain would do in a modern au: cooking edition

in which half are literally just stupid things that I’ve done, and the other half are some of my proper headcanons for the boys ! :)

one of them, honestly any of them, would be in the kitchen cooking who knows what, and proceeds to get oil on their laptop (yes i use my laptop in the kitchen while baking i am a fiend who can’t do anything without some kind of music). so they just pick up the dish sponge that is soaking wet and soapy and uses it to clean off the surface of the laptop. Five seconds later either one of the others who just happens to be in the kitchen witnessing it or the person who did it is just standing there like “what the hell did I just do ???”/“why did I just do that ??” as they frantically wipe the water off of the laptop using their apron

apron is covered in pet hair (most likely twilight or wild)

Hyrule over-oils nearly everything. Like the baking tray that you spray to bake a cake or brownies in? emptied nearly half a can of oil. That sautéed mushroom dish that they’re trying to make? puts like 2 tablespoons more than necessary and the entire dish turns out really oily/greasy

Wind would turn on the stove and then go upstairs and forget that he turned it on

or alternatively he would turn on the stove to boil something and it would boil over right in front of him because he was watching funny videos instead of paying attention

I’d like to think that legend is slightly decent in the kitchen, I just think with like who he is as a person he has a lot of pride in what he’s making where like he’s practiced enough so it’ll come out decent

Sky only knows one recipe and it’s pumpkin soup. Absolutely nothing wrong with that because he never gets tired of it and neither do the rest of them

I feel like warriors can also cook but it’s also way harder for him and kind of like hyrule he’ll mess up measurements and overcook things 

Time can make oatmeal. That’s literally it. Like he’ll assist Malon in the kitchen during dinner because he’s a good husband but he does not do the main cooking. he will burn it 

four would be unbelievably precise with measurements 

wild would not measure like anything if he could help it

both would come out amazing though regardless 

hyrule can’t cook meals but holy shit he can bake. he’s harassed into making brownies and banana bread all the time by the others 

twi cannot bake but can cook and he 100% cooks odd but amazing vegetable dishes 

he works extra hard to mask certain vegetables in order to get the rest of them to eat healthy. ie: finely chops mushrooms so none of them know they’re there until after the meal when he reveals it all dramatic like a villain while the children (wind) scream 

time would try to teach them all how to barbecue because he’s the ultimate dad but in truth he learned from wars

wars laughs when he burns things and immediately takes over the grilling 

so it ends up being both wars and time who teach the others the art of grilling lets be real that grilling is hard so time gets a little bit of slack. doesn’t stop wind from laughing at him though 

wind isn’t allowed to cook/bake half the time but the boy is incredible with spices, like he can tell exactly what spice a recipe needs just in a taste test, and which vegetables pair well together depending on sauces. he’s like a master chef with zero technical skill 

that said wind is the biggest critic

wind: did you measure the vanilla extract correctly?  wild, who has never properly measured vanilla extract in his life: no <3  wind, a little gremlin: yeah i can tell

four and sky are the only ones who don’t tear up from cutting onions 

they all have stupid aprons (i personally have a cat patterned, hulk, and all might aprons and i absolutely think they would have those if not something similar)

twi would 100% wear a cat apron

sky would have a “kiss the cook” apron that he wears all the time because the group gifted it to him as a gag but he loves it 

wild would cook at literally any hour 

“it’s 11:30pm. put the cookie dough away and finish tomorrow” “if i don’t finish it now i’m never going to finish it” “please go to bed” “no” 

he only listens and goes to bed when malon asks him to

sky and hyrule help wild make cookies, he’ll make the dough and then they all take turns rolling it out and using cookie cutters to shape them

warriors likes to help ice them though 

wars: *holds up bunny cookie that he iced pink* look it’s you  legend: i will remove your knees 

wild also stress cooks/bakes. time will know somethings wrong when he comes home one day to see like three different pies in the refrigerator, four cakes varying in size and flavor, and about 15 dozen different cookies in various containers stacked around the kitchen, and wild is standing there icing another cake on a makeshift cake spinner that is constructed out of a large pot and a plastic plate 

the boys both love and hate his stress baking. 

pros: so many snacks. 

cons: too many snacks.

wind consumes too many cookies at once, regrets it for an hour, and then comes back to try each of the cakes

i mentioned it partially in my list but like here’s a chart too just for a better idea 

this was fun ! let me know what y’all think or if you want to hear more of my headcanons :3

[tokoyamisstuff]

Tender Ch. 2 - Loki x Mute! Reader

Summary: Winning the favour of the God of Mischief is not an easy task - even if he has already fallen for you.

Warnings: None.

Words: ~1600

A/N: Since I am writing several Series at once, together with Oneshots in between, the chapters are gonna be a bit shorter so I keep no one waiting. Hope that is alright!

[Story Masterlist] [All of my Works]

Taglist: @austynparksandpizza​ @queenariesofnarnia​​ @commonintrest​​ @buckylokisimp​ @just-someone-who-likes-to-write @lxdyred @frostay​​​​

The first weeks after your arrival at the Avengers Compound passed by rather uneventful.

Due to the fact that you neither had a family you could be attached to, nor many belongings ever since HYDRA had kidnapped you and destroyed your home, Tony insisted on you living at the tower - like many of the other members as well.

Everything was just so new and exciting, not even Loki’s gleeful mockery could bring you down from that high.

Little did you know that all of his pep talks about those ‘inferior heros’, the ‘illusion of power’ or how no one was ever truly good or evil had a completely different reason:

An attempt to get you to leave, for your own good. After everything that had happened to you, the god was worried how another fight would affect you.

Anyway, it was a luxurious life compared to your old one, with so many kind persons and new perspectives. And you were sure to return that favor once you’d learn to control your powers!

So until then, you would train as hard as possible and care for your new friends through little acts of service. Caring for others came quite natural to you, may it be listening to their problems or simply complimenting them to see their faces brighten up.

And for some reason, that particular character trait was the one thing Loki found the most annoying.

How could a person so naive and pure think they could actually join in battles against evil? You’ll only end up getting yourself killed - and to be honest, Loki thought this to be a waste.

And even though he’d never admit it, but jealousy was starting to get the better of him the more he observed you getting along with everyone.

They adored you - and they were very right in doing so!

But that would mean that you were just nice to everyone, not especially to him, right?

Every time you’d help Bucky through a panic attack, braided Thor’s hair or helped Banner in the laboratory, Loki only wished you’d be with him instead - and if he had to burn this whole place to the ground for this to happen.

Yet his pride kept him from voicing that desire.

For you on the other hand, it was frustratingly hard to get through to the God of Mischief. In comparison to how he treated the other Avengers, he was always reserved and courteous towards you, yet also unreachable distanced.

Only on a weekend where the other Avengers were on a mission, the two of you found a way to actually bond with each other, if only a little.

Loki had once again read every book he borrowed from Stark’s library, now having a reason to leave his room again. At least those subhumans won’t be there to drain on his nerves...

When he crossed the living room on his way to the elevator, he blinked heavily as he saw you plainly chilling on the sofa. He was just about to turn around and leave, when you hectically gestured for him to stay.

“Hey, Loki! 😊” you wrote on a notepad, holding it up for him to read.

“Greetings...” he spoke between gritted teeth, but your smile wouldn’t falter, so he stood rooted in the middle of the room.

“Do you want to watch a movie together?” How blunt could you be to ask a literal god directly, just like that?!

“Actually, I-” When your eyes met, Loki cut himself off, the words being caught in his throat. “Well, if you’re in dire need of my sublime company...”

You were quick to sit up straight, offering a bowl with popcorn to the Odinson which he curiously accepted. When he answered your question about what sweets they eat on Asgard, he wouldn’t understand why you’d laugh. Apparently ‘nuts and grapes’ are not considered treats on earth. Got it.

Yet that little huff you blew out of your nose instead of making an actual laughing sound came somewhat endearing to him, especially in contrast to your other noisy companions. “Adorable...”

Without even asking first, you’d wrap the other half of the blanket around Loki, effectively closing the gap between you two.

“Wha- I’m not cold!” he blurted out, visibly overchallenged by the sudden closeness. “I’m a Jotun, hel!”

What was he even so worked up about? Geeze...

“But the weather on Asgard is rather humid, right?” you wrote down, with him nodding approvingly. "It allows all kinds of flowers to blossom, other than this metal brick” he explained, your excited look not failing to keep him talking. “You should see it some time.”

Loki’s eyes were now locked on the screen, and you could basically grasp his homesicknes, very well aware that a failure and war criminal like him would never be tolerated in those holy grounds ever again.

Great...now you had achieved the exact opposite of what you wanted.

You tugged on his arm so he’d shift your attention to you again, quickly writing something with a barely there sulk on your face:

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make you sad.”

Tears were already forming on the rim of your eyes, making Loki’s insides churn. “So sensitive...gods. Keep yourself together, would you.”

The Odinson instinctively wrapped an arm around you, his free hand petting your head as he pulled it to his chest. He was awfully warm for a frost giant, and his heart was hammering against his chest in a fastened pace - maybe just your imagination, though.

“Well, it’s winter...” he uttered, acting as if he actually cared about the plot of the movie. “I may not freeze, but you seemed cold. That’s all.”

You let your hand run across his collarbone, making him look down to you once again. He bit his lip as his icy glare met your warm one, eyes shimmering with earnest affection while you formed silent words with your lips:

“T-h-a-n-k y-o-u.”

“N-no need to thank me.” Just now Loki wondered what kind of spell you were using on him, being reduced to a shaking and stuttering mess.

No curse, no beauty ever before had bewitched him so much that he would lose his cool, let anyone peek under his confident mask, after all.

Not so long ago, when he was still considered the handsome Prince of Asgard, he would bed a different lover on each night, though never settling for anyone.

And after the revelation of his true heritage, even those fleeting encounters to ease his loneliness would falter - all that’s left was certainty that the theory he had ever since his childhood had proven to be true: 

That everyone had always secretly despised him, the failure of the family and disgrace to all of Asgard. Only through his Jotun blood they had found a reason to not play along with the royal courtesy anymore, showing their resentment up in the open.

But you...you looked at him with completely different eyes than anyone ever did.

Maybe he had become softer, weaker over time - or simply more mature. His mother once told him to seize the moment when someone truly special would cross his way, and to never let them go.

“We could do this more often.” You shoved the notepad in his line of sight, and just now he noticed that two hours had sure passed in an incredible speed.

Just the two of you, cuddled up on the sofa, enjoying each other’s presence instead of dealing with the troublesome past.

“Well...” Loki clawed into your upper arm softly, no intention of letting you out of his grasp already. “I am sure your other companions are more fun to be around. As you most likely already noticed, I am known for ruining the mood.”

Loki had a habit of talking ill about himself, and letting himself down as well. Yet as he saw you eagerly scribble on the notepad, he knit his brows together, impatient to what you’d say next.

“But I want to see you.” The word ‘you’ was written in a thicker font, underlined several times.

“Why?”, that was the first and only thing crossing his mind. And yet there you sat, shoving the notepad into his face with a stern look on your face.

Loki was rooted on spot as you put the notepad on the table, instead laying your hands on his cheeks and softly tugging on the edge of his lips. “S-m-i-l-e!”

“E-enough!” he carefully pushed your hands away, afraid you’d detect the mild blush on his face. “Then it shall be. What did you have in mind?”

“Whatever you want.”

Loki finally arrived at the library to return his books, even though with a few hours delay. Realizing just how much he had enjoyed that spontaneous meeting with you, he began to panic.

Was it really a good idea to repeat this?

He was almost 100% certain that it would only end in him ruining your trust in anyone completely, if he’d ever allow you to come close to his core.

Due to him having saved you back then, you probably see him as something better than he actually was - and gods, how disappointed you’ll be once you’d find out what he really is like...

It was probably for the best if this would never happen, with him just keeping on to admire you from afar...

After a while of just staring into the void, mentally debating about your offer, he couldn’t help the fact that he was already looking forwards to meeting you again.

Uncertain how to approach the matter, Loki was at least eager to show you his goodwill.

For you have been the first person who - despite everything he had done - was willing to give him another chance.

"Greetings. I need every available book about sign language.”

[deadbiwrites]

a video of supergirl grabbing lena luthor's ass starts circulating and it's very embarrassing for sc but extremely funny to their friends

(I am SO sorry. Where do these hide? Why do I never see them? How long has this been here?!

Anyways, have some cute nonsense!)

The day starts like any other, honestly.

Like, sure, Kara’s never thrilled when she wakes up 20 minutes late and has to use superspeed to get through her morning routine and into the office on time, but it happens regularly enough that she’s just sort of used to it by now. Like, the sky is blue, the grass is green, she manages time poorly. Whatever.

But she does get to work on time, with just enough to spare that she can make a brief detour to Nia’s desk for the coffee her protege has already bought for her, thank her profusely (with perhaps minor promising of firstborn children), and slip into the morning meeting just as Snapper, James, and Lena start handing out assignments for the day.

“Well, well, good of you to join us, Ponytail. Let me guess, a family emergency kept you out all night again?”

‘I mean, that Abraxian wasn’t my family, technically, but someone’s family, so…’ “Something like that. Sorry.”

Lena catches her eye and quirks a brow in question, but Kara just shrugs easily and sips her coffee, pulling a silly face at her friend when Snapper’s attention moves away from her. When her eyes uncross, she can tell Lena is fighting not to laugh, eyes sparking with mirth as she bites her lip. Kara takes another sip of coffee, feeling a bit smug that she can get Lena to smile without even having to say anything to her. That’s real talent, right there.

Especially since Lena has to stand up at the front with James, who has been by turns cold, dejected, and surly toward her since their breakup (a big, real, final one) a few weeks prior. Lena had said that the whole thing was a mistake, that she should’ve never gone for it in the first place because she’d been right the first time- they’d had some chemistry, after all, but it certainly wasn’t compatible long-term. 

Which… Kara can certainly relate. Like, a lot.

Especially about the whole… James being kind of wounded about it part. That part had really sucked- when he’d done it with Kara, who he’d gone on like, a date with, it’d resulted in him deciding to become a vigilante. Rao only knows what he’ll do when it’s someone he dated on and off for over a year...

“Ponytail!”

Kara jumps, realizing too late that her wandering attention hasn’t gone unnoticed. “Yes, sir?”

Snapper rolls his eyes. “Great, now that you’ve stopped orbiting Saturn, you wanna go get that article started?”

Kara’s eyes widen slightly in a panic as she realizes that she has no idea what he’s talking about. “Uh…” Behind his back, Lena catches her eye and nods subtly. Thank Rao. “Yes. I super do.”

Lena snorts, James sighs deeply, and the meeting is adjourned.

**

“So what exactly am I supposed to be doing today?” Kara asks Lena as they stroll out of the conference room together.

“Well unfortunately for you, you have to interview a big-time CEO. You have a meeting scheduled with her in three hours.”

“You?” Kara asks hopefully.

“You’re very sweet,” Lena chuckles. “No, Elena Watts. She’s a real estate developer, and she runs a nonprofit organization for homeless youth. It’s one of the articles we’re doing for next month’s spread. Contrary to popular belief, Cat and I weren’t the only women with high-profile jobs in this city. ”

“Oh, that’s pretty cool! Have you met her?”

“Not personally, no, but I have donated to her charity- it’s a very good cause, especially the outreach they do with queer youth.”

Kara elbows Lena gently. “You’re such a softie.”

“Mmm, maybe. But if you tell anyone, you’re fired.”

Kara clutches a hand to her chest, feigning horror. “Why Miss Luthor, what a blatant abuse of power!”

Lena shrugs. “I’m a Luthor, darling, I have to keep up appearances somehow.”

“Ouch,” Kara laughs. “See you at lunch?”

“Only if lunch includes a milkshake- I have a teleconference with both boards today. Unless you feel like joining me?”

“Wow, well as fun as that sounds, I’m gonna go do literally anything else.” Her comms crackle to life, alerting her of a hostage situation downtown, and Kara sighs. So much for a work day. “Alright, well, I’m, um, gonna go… see what I can find on Elena Watts. Maybe over another cup of coffee at Noonan’s.” She widens her eyes a bit, trying her best to convey that she’s going to be on Super-duty for a little while.

Thankfully, Lena picks up on it and grins. “You just want sticky buns.”

“Lena, I always want sticky buns. They’re like, my second favorite thing to eat.”

“Oh? What’s the first?” Lena asks, voice just a bit lower than usual. 

Kara opens her mouth and closes it, flushing slightly as she averts her gaze and adjusts the laptop bag on her shoulder. Stuff like that has been happening more and more, and she’s not 100% sure what to do about it. Because on the one hand, it makes her stomach do flips and tie up in knots and makes her brain do this… staticky thing where nothing filters in or out, just a pleasant buzz of how funny and smart Lena is and how much Kara likes hanging out with her and being flirted with (because that’s definitely what’s been happening, even if neither of them is really ready to address it) and just generally looking at Lena.... who is currently biting her lip and grinning up at Kara, and that buzz makes her kinda dumb, which is just really unhelpful. But on the other hand, it’s also kinda awesome and Kara really enjoys it, and-

“Kara?”

She spaced out again. Crap.

“Um. What time are you free for lunch?”

Lena sighs, seeming slightly disappointed that Kara isn’t flirting back at the moment (and thank Rao Lena can’t read minds), but she smiles back easily enough as they step off of the elevator. “I should be done by two.”

Feeling emboldened, Kara turns so she’s walking backwards in front of Lena and grins. “It’s a date,” she says with a grin, ducking forward to press a quick “friendly” kiss high on Lena’s cheek. She whirls and jogs out the double doors, leaving Lena smiling exasperatedly after her.

**

It is genuinely baffling to Kara that people still commit crimes in National City. It’s not even an ego thing, really, since Kara tries to keep herself humble (even when she manages to wrap up a hostage situation within twenty seconds of arriving on-scene without injuring any of the criminals or damaging the building too badly). Like, yeah, she gets that there’s a certain element of crazies who just sorta gravitate to places with a local hero, the big-bads who have their own suits and geek-toys and abilities. Them, Kara gets. Kinda sorta. But the regular ones, who are armed with like, pistols? Or knives? Just regular man made stuff without even the benefit of magic or kryptonite or something?

Why? 

She’s sure that if she asked, Lena would have some sort of statistical thing about large cities and poverty and all sorts of other factors that would end up making Kara feel like a jerk for being uncharitable to the criminal element of her city, but at the moment she’s mostly too annoyed by the fact that she has to spend her weekdays chasing them around instead of chasing stories.

Once all the hostages are freed and the cops secure the scene, Kara departs, flying into the alley behind Noonan’s and changing into her regular clothes before she heads inside to do a bit of research before her meeting with Elena Watts in a few hours (just because she’d used it as a cover doesn’t mean it was a bad idea…). She finds her favorite little two-person booth tucked into a quiet corner, plugs in her laptop, and gets to work, asking the waitress to please keep both the coffee and the sticky buns coming.

She gets a surprising amount done by the time she needs to leave for the interview, having a good foundation for what she wants to write and who Elena Watts is.

Ms. Watts turns out to be a pretty nice lady around Eliza’s age, if a bit busy and distracted by the steady flow of people in and out of her office. She answers all Kara’s questions with aplomb, happy to elaborate on most every point and eager to draw attention to the rising issue of homelessness among children and teens in the US.

“When I was young, my dad lost his job at the auto plant. It was supposed to be a temporary layoff, but the factory never reopened. We ended up losing the house, and we lived so far from our extended family that staying with them wasn’t much of an option. We lived in our SUV for six months, sleeping at shelters every now and again, if we could find one that allowed families to stay together. We showered at the local YMCA. Five people and a dog, living and sleeping in an old station wagon- even now, it sounds ridiculous. Eventually, we got back on our feet, but I never forgot that. It was just six months, but it was- and remains- the scariest, most uncertain time in my entire life, and it shaped me in a lot of ways I didn’t expect. And there are kids and families who do that for years. I just want to help them the way I wish that someone had been able to help us.”

At the end of the interview, Kara thanks her profusely for her time and for sharing her story before hurrying off to CatCo to type up a draft for Snapper (“What’s wrong with you, Ponytail, why is everything you bring me sappy and sentimental?”), which she finishes an outline of just in time to send it off before running to Big Belly and L-Corp for lunch with Lena.

She greets the newest in a series of secretaries (Anna? Amy? Ava? Lena’s really missing Jess, these days, but from what she’s told Kara, Jess is kicking butt in her new role as VP of Operations and will probably take over for the COO when he retires in a few years), and the girl waves her in distractedly.

And that’s when Kara’s day goes from normal to not, because inside the office are two masked men holding a stone-faced Lena at gunpoint on her balcony and demanding… something, probably. Kara’s a bit distracted by the loaded gun aimed at Lena’s head.

“Hey!” she yells, attracting both their attention. They whirl on her and Lena’s eyes widen in alarm, and Kara suddenly realizes three things- 1) she’s in her Kara Danvers clothes, not the supersuit, 2) she can’t speed into the suit now that they’re both looking at her, and 3) she has no plan.

Crap.

“Who the hell are you?!” one of them demands.

Kara… doesn’t have a good or snappy answer for that, and instead does the only thing she can think of- she throws the large milkshakes she’s carrying at them as hard as she can.

Which, in retrospect, is too hard, apparently because while yes, it is both funny and gratifying to see two grown men get absolutely leveled by a tasty dairy treat to the face, the one closest to Lena manages to elbow her in such a way that she falls backwards over the rail with an instinctual scream that makes Kara’s heart fly into her throat. She whips off her glasses, and by the time she’s out the window and speeding toward Lena’s flailing form, the suit is materialized. She gets under Lena, catching her carefully and dropping a bit further before slowing down (because she’s been made aware that when she doesn’t, the people she’s saving may as well be hitting the pavement), finally coasting to a stop about 20 feet from the ground.

Lena’s face is screwed up in a forced sort of focus, her hands clutching tightly at Kara’s shoulders and cape as she holds her breath.

“Are you okay?” Kara asks quietly.

Lena swallows thickly and nods, eyes still firmly closed. “I’m alright. Thank you- I’ll admit, I wasn’t quite sure how to get out of that one.”

“What was that? What did they want?”

Lena cracks an eye open. “Oh. you know, just my quarterly assassination attempt. I think my mother was starting to miss me, so she wanted to reach out.”

Kara snorts. “That really shouldn’t be funny.”

“Maybe not, but here we are.” Lena shifts a bit in Kara’s arms, cheeks a bit flushed from the adrenaline rush, and clears her throat. “Not to be rude, Supergirl, but do you think that perhaps we could continue this conversation… on the ground?”

“Oh. Oh! Yeah, sorry. I forgot we were, uh, flying.”

Lena chuckles as they ascend slowly back up to her office. “You forgot you were flying?”

Kara shrugs with an easy smile. “I guess you have that effect on me.”

Lena huffs a laugh against Kara’s neck, eyes squeezed shut again. They alight on the balcony, finding the two men still unconscious, covered in Kara and Lena’s lunch. Lena sighs as Kara sets her down, pinching the bridge of her nose. “What a mess.”

“Yeah, sorry, I sorta… panicked.”  

“I was so looking forward to a milkshake too…” Lena laments playfully.

“Well, then I have good news and bad news,” Kara says. She reaches out and gently wipes a bit of her own chocolate shake from Lena’s cheek with the pad of her thumb, tucking it into her mouth on instinct to get a taste of it. “The good news is, you do, in fact, have some shake on you!”

“Whats the bad news?” 

“Also that you have some shake on you.” Kara laughs, gathering the two men in her arms and hefting them a bit so they’re easier to carry. “I’ll get you another one. Be right back.”

She drops the men at the police station with a brief explanation before flying back into the office. Lena hands over her discarded glasses with a wry grin.

“I figured you’d need these before the police arrive.” She’s putting on a brave front, but she’s clearly still more than a bit rattled, if her too-bright eyes and thundering heartbeat are anything to go by. Kara steps closer and opens her arms in invitation, and Lena doesn’t hesitate to step into them. “Thank you,” Lena says fervently, tucking her face into Kara’s shoulder and wrapping her arms tight around Kara’s waist. 

“Always,” Kara promises, daring to press a reassuring kiss to Lena’s temple (and getting a bit of Lena’s strawberry shake for her troubles) before wrapping her up even tighter in her arms. “Are you actually okay?”

“I mean, my fear of heights has been reaffirmed,” Lena jokes, “but aside from that, I’m not hurt.”

“Good. I don’t like, love people pointing guns at you. Just so you know.”

“I’m not a fan either, for the record,” Lena drawls, burrowing even closer. “Even though I know you’ll save me, it still puts a damper on my day.”

Kara huffs a laugh. “Same.”

They stay like that for a few minutes, until Lena’s calmed down enough to stop shaking and calls her assistant (Audra, apparently) in, telling her what’d happened and that the police would be arriving shortly to take her and Kara’s statements, and please advise the security team to let them up discreetly. After the cops arrive, it’s a blur of questions, and Kara has to concentrate on telling the story of how she’d panicked and thrown the milkshakes at the men, and one of them had knocked Lena over the balcony (all true), and Kara had yelled for Supergirl, who had knocked the men out on her way to Lena (also technically mostly true. Technically. Mostly.). The police are sure to tell Kara that next time, she shouldn’t throw things at people with guns, and also to tell them both how lucky they are that Supergirl had shown up when she did.

“She’s always there when I need her,” Lena agrees, throwing a sly wink over the officer’s shoulder at Kara.

Kara just shakes her head and smiles. Even almost dying isn’t enough to make Lena not flirt with her. The woman is truly a marvel.

Kara’s comms crackle again, accompanied by Alex’s custom ringtone on her cell, and after assuring the police that she has no issue with giving another statement if they need her to later, hurries over to the DEO (making a quick stop in the back alley to change into her suit).

**

When Kara arrives, she’s told that J’onn and Alex are waiting for her in the Directors’ offices. She makes her way there, waving to the agents and scientists she knows. But it’s very weird, because every time one of them sees her, they start giggling before quickly hurrying off in the opposite direction. Like, literally everyone is whispering and pointing and giggling, and it’s giving Kara such visceral flashbacks to high school that it’s all she can do to not check her cape for a taped on sign that says ‘Kick me’ or ‘Freak’.

(Kids are mean.)

By the time Kara gets to her destination, she’s fully paranoid, sure that someone’s playing a prank on her, somehow, and that everyone but her is in on the joke. She opens the door with more force than intended and catches it just before the handle puts a hole in the wall, throwing Alex and J’onn a sheepish smile. She closes the door extra gently and leans against it heavily. J’onn and Alex just stare at her, looking thoroughly unimpressed.

“Busy day, Supergirl?” Alex asks, and after half a lifetime of spending time with her, Kara recognizes that she, too, is trying not to laugh. 

Kara’s had enough. “Okay, do I have something on my face? Or on the suit? Is someone messing with me?”

J’onn’s brow furrows. “No.”

“Then what’s the deal? Why is the entire DEO like… laughing at me? Did someone accidentally vent the lab fumes out into the main hub again?”

“No.”

“Did someone see me crash into that billboard last week?”

J’onn’s frown deepens. “What?”

“No,” Alex answers.

“Then why is everyone laughing at me?!”

“I mean, if I had to guess, I’d say it’s because of that,” Alex muses, nodding toward the big TV on the wall beside Kara.

She steps back to watch the news coverage of her dealing with the hostage situation this morning and frowns. “What, those guys? That was routine, what’s so funny about tha-”

“No, no, not that. That,” Alex clarifies, cranking up the volume.

“...reports are saying that the CEO of L-Corp, Lena Luthor, experienced an attempt on her life early this afternoon. Sources claim that she fell from a considerable height-”

“Hey, she was pushed,” Kara corrects.

“Shh!”

“...caught by Supergirl, who may have gotten a little… familiar with her.”

And there’s a video (clearly recorded on a cell phone but not the worst quality Kara’s ever seen) of Kara catching Lena and slowing to a stop above the sidewalk, of them talking quietly, of Kara’s hand definitely on Lena’s-

“Oh. Oh no.”

“Oh yes,” Alex drawls, clicking the TV off with relish, a large, evil-big-sister grin spreading across her face. “Congratulations, Supergirl- the world just watched you grope Lena Luthor’s ass.”

“But I’m not- I wasn’t groping, I was catching! My hands weren’t… If it was groping, I’d be all up on her, and I wasn’t!”

“Camera begs to differ. It’s already trending on Twitter in National CIty.”

Kara puts her head in her hands and groans. “Why?! I was trying to save her!”

“You were definitely trying to save part of her,” Alex agrees. “Granted, it’s a very nice part...”

Kara’s head pops up, and she shoots Alex a look that’s between a pout and a glare. “You’re not helping.”

Alex feigns confusion. “Am I supposed to be helping?”

“Alright, enough,” J’onn cuts in before Kara can retort. “We just wanted you to be aware. I don’t think that this is going to be taken for anything more than it is- a humorous moment in the middle of a successful rescue. You shouldn’t worry about the press.”

And truth be told, Kara isn't worried about the press- she’s worried about the fact that she’s going to have to face Lena after this. Lena, who she knows for a fact has google alerts set for herself, Kara Danvers, and Supergirl, a gesture which is normally actually sweet and kind but is right now definitely gonna bite her in the-

“Okay! So, is that all?”

Alex blinks, looks over at J’onn, and shrugs. “I mean, yeah. Try not to make a habit of groping your crush when you’re in the suit.”

“I wasn’t groping her-”

Alex grins. “So you admit you have a crush? Interesting…”

“Alex!”

**

J’onn’s prediction is mostly right- no one seems to be taking the shots of her grabbi- saving Lena as anything other than a funny blip of a moment in their coverage of it.

He was wrong about the sheer scale. The clip had gone totally viral in a matter of hours, and seemingly every major network in the country has run the clip at least once as a bit of filler-fluff, and almost every major network anchor (including the ones at CatCo, the traitors) has made at least a passing joke about Supergirl being ‘Super-Handsy'.

Which means that Kara is very late getting back to Lena’s office with replacement food. But like, she’s been busy, okay? It’s not like she’s avoiding Lena, or something, because she’s embarrassed- which she isn’t, because she didn’t do anything bad or wrong and-

Anyways, it’s well past sunset by the time Kara gets to Lena’s office door again. She hesitates outside it for just a moment before shouldering the door open and knocking tentatively.

Lena’s attention jerks from whatever she’d been absorbed in to Kara, and a relieved smile blooms across her face. “Hey there.”

Kara finds herself equally relieved to not experience a repeat performance of earlier scary situations. “Hi,” Kara says, unable to resist smiling back. She raises the bags and cup carrier. “I bring grease and milkshakes. Again.”

“Oh thank god, I’m starving,” Lena says, rolling her chair away from her desk and rising into a deep and probably much-needed stretch. Kara very determinedly does not stare at the slight sliver of soft tummy that appears between her blouse and skirt at the motion. “I’ve been staring at this screen for several hours. And Sam called to yell at me- she says hello, by the way- she and Ruby are in town next weekend.”

“Good!” Kara crosses the room to the couch as Lena does, easily spreading out the veritable buffet of fast food she’d brought over the coffee table. “I mean, not good that she yelled at you, or that you’re still at work, Miss Luthor,” she says pointedly, receiving only an unapologetic shrug in response. “But good that, um-”

“I get it,” Lena chuckles, resting a hand lightly on Kara’s knee and boy, if that doesn’t make Kara’s brain go fuzzy and dumb again… “Thank you, for checking in.”

“Of course I was gonna check on you, Lena,” Kara huffs. “Plus, I know you probably didn’t get lunch, so…”

Lena hums around a mouthful of burger, chewing until she can politely speak again. “Well it’s delicious. Did you make it yourself?” she teases with a sly grin.

“Oh, yeah, totally. Slaved away over a hot stove for this- I just wrapped it in Big Belly wrappers so you wouldn’t feel bad about it.”

“Very clever.” Lena pops the lid off of her milkshake and drags a fry through it (an advanced culinary delicacy Kara had horrified her with initially but had eventually become a bit of a guilty pleasure). “Although I have to say, traditionally you’d have to buy me dinner before you grabbed my ass.”

Kara chokes on a pickle. “Oh no,” she groans, dropping the burger onto the wrapper on the table and dropping her very red face into her hands as Lena laughs beside her. She peers out from between her fingers. “I am so sorry, I was just worried about you hitting the pavement and like, catching you in the least jarring way and I wasn’t paying attention to where my hands were and I didn’t even notice until I got back to the DEO and-”

“Well I have so say, I feel a bit offended that you didn’t even realize you were copping a feel...” When the only response is another groan and a deep flush spreading from Kara’s neck to the tips of her ears, Lena relents. “Kara, Kara, it’s fine!” she laughs, pulling Kara’s hands away from her face and giving them a grounding squeeze. “Nia’s been sending me memes about it all day, which has improved my mood significantly. On the grand scale of fallout from assassination attempts, this one was at least funny.”

“I know that’s supposed to be comforting, but all it makes me wanna do is wrap you in bubble wrap forever,” Kara informs her.

“Pass on that. But seriously, don’t worry about it- I know it wasn’t on purpose- unfortunately for me, you’re too noble to do something like that,” Lena laments playfully.

And whether it’s the knowledge that Lena is not, in fact, upset, the overall weirdness that has been this day, or this delicious burger fueling it, Kara feels a bit emboldened. “Hey Lena…”

“Yes?”

“What if I wanted to grab your butt? Just, y’know, as a hypothetical. For future reference.”

Lena quirks a brow at her, fighting a smile as she contemplates this. “Hmm. Strictly hypothetically?”

Kara scoots a bit closer on the couch. “Sure.”

 “Well, you’ve already bought me dinner…”

“And lunch, technically. Even if I gave it to the bad guys.”

“True. Plus you saved my life, so that gets you some points, probably.”

Kara pauses in her sly scooching. “Oh, hey, wait, no, that’s not-” 

“Kidding, Kara. I know you’d never use that to your advantage. I, however, have determined that strong moral fibre and nobility do, in fact, earn you more points, which is my choice on the matter and you get absolutely no say in it.”

“Oh. Um, alright, I think.”

Lena stares off into the middle distance, tapping her forefinger thoughtfully against her chin. Finally she shrugs. “Yes, I think you’re fulfilled the prerequisites for a bit of grab-ass today.”

Kara snorts, Lena laughs, and soon enough Kara takes her up on the offer.

**

“Hey Kara, remember that time you grabbed Lena’s ass and it made international news?” Nia asks around a mouthful of mushu pork.

“You mean last week? Yes, I remember,” Kara drawls. Beside her/halfway sitting on her lap, Lena snorts.

“That was the best.”

Alex glares. “Um, excuse you, no. No it was not. I had to sift through so much thirsting over my sister on like, every social media platform. It was the worst day of my life.”

Brainy’s brow furrows. “Surely that cannot be correct, Alex. Statistically speaking-”

Alex holds up a hand, cutting him off. “Trauma can’t be measured, Brainy.”

Kelly chuckles and presses a consoling kiss to Alex’s cheek, and it makes the tough agent melt into a doe-eyed puddle of mush that Kara snorts. And she says they’re gross... Kara sneaks a glance at Lena from the corner of her eye, and she catches Lena looking at her. She leans close and jostles her gently as she drops her head onto Lena’ shoulder. “We’re never gonna live that down, are we?”

“Probably not.”

“We have the worst friends.” When this elicits nothing but a chuckle, Kara tips her head back to see Lena still looking at her, a soft smile playing at her mouth and shining in her eyes. And like, this whole thing they’re doing is new, with the kissing and the actual dates and the... everything else. But the thing where Kara catches Lena looking at her and she doesn’t look away? That freakin’ knocks her out, every single time. “Hey,” she manages.

Lena grins down at her. “Hi.”

So yeah. Maybe the initial circumstances weren’t ideal, and she doesn’t love the mockery that’s been heaped upon her by all of her friends and loved ones (including Winn, who’d sent a missive from the future that literally just said ‘LOL’). But the fact is, Kara muses as she surges up just enough to kiss the corner of Lena’s mouth, that she doesn’t regret a thing.

[queen0fm0nsterz]

The achievements dialogue from Secrets of the Maw is actually very interesting :0

Other examples:

Ashes in the Maw - Are you proud of yourself?

(Ashes to Ashes - Who knows what secrets do they hold?)

MASTERPOST

Bestie when I tell you I think about those two achievements ALL the damn TIME, along with the ones you get from the floatsams. So I'm gonna go off talking about all five achievements.

Also... haha... five achievements. Five.

Usually, the achievements in Little Nightmares are reflections of what the protagonist feels/thinks, or still refer to the kid we play as in some way - which is why the three messages in the bottles achievements stand out so much.

It has been already pointed out by several people how these names and descriptions could be referring to the letters themselves, giving us a general idea of what their content might be.

However, what I want to focus right now is the fact that the "you" mentioned in these achievements is clearly not the Runaway, which leads me to the first achievement you mentioned: Ashes on the Maw.

To get this one, the player has to burn a little wooden statue of a Nome in the furnace during the Hideaway chapter.

That little guy on the desk.

Either way, I always thought that the description of the achievement was a little out of place. Not outside of the realm of possibilities, but... it feels so accusatory. Who is talking to who here? I have a few possibilities, you pick your favorite.

1) These are the Runaway's internal thoughts narrated from a second person's POV. Perhaps he felt bad about destroying it? If that was the case, the wording is still peculiar... also, keep in mind that the little nome statue was probably made by Roger. Would the Runaway feel bad about destroying something made by someone who persistantely antagonizes him and the other children?

2) This is Roger talking to the Runaway. Which... unlikely, to me at least, because I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be aware of the whereabouts of the statue. Then again, there are other achievements where the monsters communicate with the protagonist - "Hey sneaky rat, how do you keep slipping away? ", Elusive achievement (the only one I'm 100% sure of) to name one.

3) The most likely, I'm overanalyzing and going insane it's a question from an external POV to the Runaway - or even us, the player. Most of the achievements also work like this, especially the ones when completing areas.

4) Lastly: this is a question coming from another character entirely and meant for someone else.

This last one wouldn't make any sense and normally I wouldn't even consider it, however... the Eye symbol on the statue... the same symbol that is also on the floatsams... I'm not saying that the wooden statue is somehow connected to the person who wrote the letters: maybe the Eye serves as a nod to us to connect the dots. Then again, nothing certain.

The next one: Ashes to Ashes.

(And I have done my Junji Ito research. If someone tries to tell me the painting behind it doesn't look EXACTLY like the page of the trapped souls in the furnace from chapter 4 of Uzumaki, I will simply choose to ignore them.)

To unlock this achievement, all you need to do is push the vase down to its doom in the Residence chapter. It's located in a secret room and you'll need a book with the Lady's mask on it to gain access to it. I think it's safe to assume the ashes inside the vase are those of children, as seen by the petrified kids surrounded by even more ash directly under the table, and that these ashes are being used for some sort of dark magic. Shadow Children origin maybe?

The Eye symbol is there once again. Same exact one.

It's clear that the "they" here probably refers to the children themselves, yet I can't help but ask myself if it may have some sort of double meaning. They, the children, but also someone else. And since we're in the Lady's Redidence... would it be too far of a stretch to assume she is included in this "they"?

Buuut, once again, these are only thoughts and theories. Still, I do think the letters were sent by someone with the intention of reaching out to the Lady - and the achievements frame it like a two way conversation where one end can't quite hear the other.

Reconstructing it, I think it would go something along these lines:

👘: "(I am) not alone... Is anybody out there?"

?:"What's new with you?"

(...)

?:"I wish I could visit you there. (...) I'll be out of reach for a while."

👘: "I'm losing you."

Or, including the achievement Ashes in the Maw:

👘: "(I am) not alone... Is anybody out there?"

?:"What's new with you? Are you proud of yourself?"

(...)

?:"I wish I could visit you there. (...) I'll be out of reach for a while."

👘: "I'm losing you."

As usual, we're missing chunks of conversation! Lovely. Just lovely. We really can't have anything, mh? Oh boy, don't I love reconstructing tiny bits of conversation that may lead to nothing! I do think they're important to the story though, so there's that.

Either way, thank you for giving me a chance to talk about these achievements. I feel like we don't discuss them enough. If you guys come up with interesting/more logical ways to reconstruct the conversation of the achievements, let me know!

[probably-haven]

Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

-

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should. 

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can.  Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it. 

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself  and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game 

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows. 

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over- 

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings.  I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is. 

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other-  Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action. 

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways. 

 -Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though. 

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips. 

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself. 

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt.  - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing. 

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth.  - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced. 

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports 

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that. 

-

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead. 

[organic-guacamole]

episode 209 spoilers below

I'm so late today but here it is

I love EJ, he's finally learning to be happy. I'm so proud.

Ms Jenn = every boomer during zoom calls, like jeez yes we can hear you stop shouting at me.

LOVE THE SUBTLE JOKE ABOUT QUARANTINE "these dark times" "you mean spring break?"

ah yes, remember when we thought covid was just gonna give us a longer spring break? good times

SEBLOS

damn the passive aggressiveness from Carlos and the absolutely over it tone from seb✋

CASWELL COUSINS!!!!! THEY'RE THE BEST!!!!

we needed more if this kind of goofiness for the first part of season 2 that only such an iconic duo can provide.

old old movies-

is it even that old, or is Nini being a gen alpha rn-

i choose to imagine EJ being scared of the movie and hiding in Ashlyn's shoulder while she keeps a straight face and then EJ pretending to be tough afterwards

aww redlyn are soulmates.... yknow, if gingers had souls

(please ignore me)

y'all saw how EJ's face *lit up* when Gina logged on? how dare you tell me he doesn't like her

ofc she's no damsel in distress, she's Gina porter, she's amazing.

so do we think she'd be the type to just glare at suspicious people? or bark at them

do they not know that Rini broke up? or is Ms Jenn just wanting Nini to suffer through her heartbreak to make her a better actress....

speaking of, why is Nini in the call? she's not in the show anymore. Unless she is, even after the rose and the song got cut, which would be so unfair to all those that auditioned properly before she even came back but whatever, she's the main character I get it 🙄

big red is a hero honestly, Nini better thank him for changing the subject like that

I can't-

i won't work you over the break-

this woman would 100% work her kids 24/7 if it was legal and idk how to feel about it.

YES GINA USE THAT CHARM

QUEEN

FRENCH QUEEN

SHE LEARNT FROM THE BEST (antoine obvi)

smh the airport lady, eavesdropping on Gina's call.

The way she was so happy to answer EJ's call, "eej"

I love them your honour.

EJ WITH PAINTED NAILS YES PLEASE

great now we need to see Gina, Ashlyn and EJ having a complete spa day and EJ getting really into it and Gina and Ashlyn take pictures of him when he's laying down in a robe with a mask and cucumbers on his eyes.

finally we get to see Gina's side of portwell

the way she considered it as flirting, this is the sign she asked for in episode 6 come onnnnn

no is Asher/jack really doing tiktok dances in an airport-

Ricky is me. I am burrito.

oh Lynne, sweetie, I'm sorry but the blonde hair is not it

is that even the same lady or-

THE BEAN

THE CHICAGO BEAN

THE BIG OLD METAL BEAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY 😭

jetlag is my go to excuse for anything... I haven't travelled in 2 years.

"welcome to the Lynne and Mike gossip show. where we talk about our depressed son that we both neglect in certain ways! And now a word from our sponsor, Nord VPN..."

SO MANY CANDLES

WHAT DEMON IS LYNNE TRYING TO SUMMON IN HIS ROOM-

is Nina becoming social media obsessed EJ from season 1? AND SHE LIED ABOUT HAVING SONGS TOO PLEASE WHY ARW THEY RECYCLING THE SAME PLOT-

Gina smiling at the picture of her family on Instagram makes me so happy, idek why.

EJ's nails are so pretty, we needed to see it more (unless he had it on for the rest of the episode and I just.... didn't notice🧍🏽‍♀️)

oh not the tiktok kid✋

yes ma'am end this strange mans whole tiktok career

sir take a hint and leave

GINA NO DONT SAY YOUR LAST NAME HE COULD BE A HUMAN TRAFFICKER

Ricky, walking in style✨

weird kid, ok then Lynne, can't you see he's this close to the edge?

not all your fault baby Ricky, Nini sucks a bit more

RICKY YOU DIDN'T COME DOWN HARD ON THE SONG-

YOU ASKED WHAT IT WAS ABOUT AND SHE SHUT YOU DOWN-

PLEASE DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF

ok but the deleting comment thing was very bad

still don't know if I like Jack honestly

hmmm so Nini's calling herself Nini instead of Nina in her little egg seat, while trying to write a song without inspiration.... Nini, honey, Ricky was your muse, he inspired you to write all those songs, even if it wasn't good for the relationship.

that doesn't mean you gotta get back with him, or that you can't write a song that not about him butttt it'll take some time

the rainbow sticker in her box and her rainbow shirt-

anyways wbk she's not totally straight

Jack are you a criminal?

quick, Gina, check his ankle for a tracker

THE YES AND PRACTICE STRIKES AGAIN

the way Gina wasn't into it in episode 6 but she's used the technique twice now

stole her grandma's Pomeranian-

Jack where the hell did you pull that out from-

the fake crying killed me, that looks like so much fun though

anyone wanna raid a first class lounge with me?

wait so is jack not gonna go in with her?

wouldn't he go in too? help look for the credit card? SO CONFUSED

the first class lounge guy was so into the drama though, watch his face when they start arguing 😭

sorry to break this to you Kourtney, but you haven't even blocked the second act yet soooo...

take that as you will

I love how all of them are totally dissing the dance off

that's the most realistic part of this show tbh

shouldn't Nini have asked how she knew....since the start? why is the fact that her best friend has knowledge of a North high secret now dawning on her...

Howie is sweet honestly, at least he's trying to help. but I stand with Kourtney, don't take him back just because he sang an amazing song, and is giving you a heads up on what's gonna happen...

KOURTNEY IS ME TRYING TO LEAVE AN ONLINE CLASS

I hate school

ooo Nini's writing a song about bad internet connection 🤩🤩🤩

I never lie, except when I do-

son that is the creepiest thing you could say to a stranger that you've been "helping"

2 truths and a lie👀

he's an Ariana fan 100%

called it.

OLDER BROTHER-

WHAT-

free spirit? damn so brother porter was in that horse movie

so has she been kissed or not?????????

I feel like she's moved more than 15 times though so possibly

but then if she's moved so much, and before east high she never opened up to anyone, she's never been kissed then?? damn

same though Gina so let's be besties please

heartbreak president is a great song title idea, give Nini a call rn

but wait

is the no strings attached feeling thing about her telling Ricky she liked him? she thought she was moving away so she thought it'd be no strings attached???

guys I think I figured it out insert the "I've connected two dots" meme

THE DUKE SWEATSHIRT

IS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND'S

OMG I LOVE I LOVE

NOT THAT I KNOW OF???

ma'am did you just kill me

yes you did

Lynne and Ricky have such a weird relationship

YES IT DID SUCK

TODD SUCKS

LYNNE SUCKS

yeah I get that you wanted Ricky to like Todd BUT THAT WASN'T THE TIME

right so we already know that Ricky was so desperate to keep Nini cuz he didn't want to be like his parents, and now Lynne's talking about this-

Richard needs a long hug

yes Lynne, it is your fault. thank you for finally admitting it.

YES DYE YOUR HAIR

BLOND HIGHLIGHTS RICKY WILL RISE AGAIN

"sometimes the best, last thing you can do for someone you love, is let them go."

gotta admit I teared up at that point

not me thinking big red was calling ms Jenn cupcake for a hot second-

Carlos please omg, you're at the "beach" and they're leaving for the pool?

also, why not just do the call from the hotel room please omg

"don't ask me"

"Carlos"

OMG WHAT HAPPENED

big red wants the tea

O M G

SEB IS JEALOUS

JEALOUS SEBBY IS MY FAVOURITE THING IDC

I'm surprised ms Jenn knew how to give Nini permission to screenshare tbh

So lily's been stalking the East high kids and spending time editing this video while she's supposedly in an immersion trip.... right

EJ and Ashlyn's picture is so chaotic, what even is happening there

"slacking off" bestie its spring break, obviously they're confident enough that they'll get it done in time so why not focus on your own musical.

jealous seb = sassy seb

please what if those guys Carlos is posing with are his cousins or something and that's why he's so confused about Seb

6 YEAR OLD EJ I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM

Nini saying she's obsessed with her ex, that's not weird at all 👍

I can just tell Matt had a blast harassing Julia with those puppets.

Jack please dont be like that, "yet"

chances are you'll never see eachother again 🥰

(honestly sometimes I really miss those friends I made on trips and stuff when we'd spend the day or week together, only to never see them again....those were the good days though)

Ashlyn and Nini should write more songs..... something better than this one at least

Nini: "im good"

cue the Tia Mowry (please I can't spell) crying gif

oh I forgot Ricky was in the show for a hot second

1. where did Gina get to film this without people being around

2. did she just... randomly change her clothes???

ok but the transition between Carlos and EJ

*chefs kiss*

now everyone shut up, EJ's singing

oh i think I'm pregnant

HIS MUSCLES

YES KOURTNEY

I love how big red and Kourtney went from being "the best friends™" to the couple in season 1, to kinda close themselves and having their own plots

sebby makes me so happy

props to biggies editing skills honestly

PORTWELL BEING SIDE TO SIDE I CANT

AND SEBLOS OMG

big red lives for the drama

"wow" so true Ricky

no he is not cute, stop it

"holding" ok that's kinda cute

yeah EJ's a lucky guy😌

jokes aside, it's not that hard to exchange numbers-

keep in touch if you want

ok I really like Jack now

if he comes back in season 3, maybe have him be LGBTQ+ ?

like the only out characters they have rn are Seb and Carlos and they're like the sterotypes, yk?

I'd love to see jack kinda break the mold

Ricky's breaking my heart

that song just hurts

the only thing

now I don't hate Lynne????????

HOW DARE THEY WRITE IN A PROPER REDEMPTION ARC FOR HER

UGH IM SUPPOSED TO HATE HER FOREVER

I mean I don't live her now but she's good

but honestly

"mom can I show you something"

IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL

THE PICTURE AND EVERYTHING OMG

I'm sobbing please help

Gina saying she's just waiting for the right guy and then EJ coming to the airport to pick her up late at night without her asking, offering to bring her back in the morning so she won't have to Uber, bringing her a granola bar (WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE FORGOT TO PACK) and without expecting anything in return???

ms ma'am you've got a keeper right there

her smile at the end was so heartwarming I really can't.

this episode was great.

it felt really short but I liked it, great character development for Ricky, Lynne and Gina.

Cant wait for next episode to see more of EJ being the ideal boyfriend /hj

[tomboyneedshercoffee]

Lovedust Pt.3 || Peter Parker x Stark Reader

Summary: Y/N catches the eye of one of her male classmates who invites her to an upcoming party. As she weighs her options, Peter takes her out for a treat but old history comes back up. 

Word Count: 4.1k

Author’s Note: I hope everyone is safe during this crazy time. Remember: Wear a mask, wash your hands, and only leave your house for necessities! You can literally stay at home and read fanfiction all day and you would be saving lives! I introduced a new male character and I’ll be real, Joshua Bassett needs to be appreciated so I put him in! However, for the character Josh you can think of any celeb or crush you have if you want! 

Warnings: Adult language, mentions of sex

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six || 

part seven || part eight || epilogue

When Monday rolled around, all you wanted to do was stay home. You felt that there was too much going on to just go on autopilot for eight hours at school when all you could think about was how to fix Peter.

While you had decided that you would at least be nice to him, there was still a small part of you that was worried about what would happen if he never got better. 

How much of your relationship would change and worst of all, what would happen to his ‘superhero’ duties?

If you were really the only thing running through his mind, how would he even function saving lives?

As much as you wanted to sit and worry about him, you knew you needed to get your own life together before you started fixing other people like going to school.

You went to college-prep academy which really just meant that everyone had to wear uniforms to kill all individualistic forms of expression and pay ridiculous tuition to learn. 

You really didn’t mind since most of your classes were ridiculously easy but a lot of your classmates were spoiled monsters who liked to flaunt their rich last name.

Lucky for you, Stark was pretty hard to beat.

Once you slipped your blazer on, you grabbed the straps of your backpack and walked out into the kitchen to pack your lunch where Peter was already awake, making breakfast.

Usually, by this time, Peter would already be on his way to school on the subway but your dad and Banner thought it would be best for him to stay at the complex so they could run more tests on him.

Peter took his attention off of the stove and drew his eyes towards you, his face already flushed red as he tried not to stare below your skirt,” Y/N! You look really pretty in your uh- uniform.”

At this point, you knew that whatever words that came out of Peter’s mouth wasn’t his fault so you decided to roll with it. You were so used to him always giving you snarky replies about your school uniform but now, you didn’t have to waste your energy thinking of a comeback.

You hummed as you leaned over the kitchen island to grab a piece of bacon that was off to the side,” And you look really pretty in your pajamas Parker. How are you holding up? Are they getting any closer into figuring out how to stop your chest pains?”

Ever since Peter first made contact with the lovedust, he had been complaining about how tight his chest was feeling. It seemed like a normal side effect since it would happen whenever you were close to him but as days passed, his chest started to hurt more every time you weren’t around.

You felt guilty knowing that you going to school would literally cause him pain but at the same time, you couldn’t adjust your whole life around Peter.

Peter shook his head as he swallowed hard,” No not yet but I’m sure they’ll figure out something soon... I packed your lunch by the way. It’s over there by the sink.”

You looked over towards the sink and sure enough, your lunch bag that you hadn’t used since freshman year was neatly packed. You didn’t have the heart to tell him that your school had really good chicken pesto on Mondays so you gladly looked through the lunch bag to see what was inside.

As you looked through it, you could see a white piece of lined paper folded and taped against a small packet of Oreos. Peter noticed that you had found the note and this time, his face grew redder.

“ You can throw it away if you want, I thought it would be nice or whatever,” Peter said quietly as he walked over to where you were standing.

He reached for your lunch bag but you tensed up, pulling it towards your chest,” Aw, come on Parker, please? Technically, this note is like mail and you know it’s a federal crime to tamper with it.”

Peter bit the inside of his cheek and nodded as he rubbed his sweaty palms on his thighs. You had never seen Peter ever this flustered before and a part of you felt guilty that you were the reason he was so nervous but a part of you liked the attention.

You had to remind yourself that once Peter was cured, it gave him free rein to possibly be the same dick as before. At least for now, you liked being friends with Peter.

“ I gotta go now but I’ll see you after school,” You finally said as you put your backpack on and walked over to the elevator,” try not to die or anything.”

“ I’ll do my best, have a good day,” Peter smiled as he suddenly remembered something,” oh, make sure you bring an umbrella, it’s supposed to rain today.”

You checked your phone to look at the weather for the afternoon but saw that it was supposed to be bright and sunny all day,” I’m sure it’ll be fine, bye Parker.”

Once you made it all the way downstairs to the main entrance, you looked behind your shoulder to make sure no one was behind you before rummaging through your lunch bag. You took out the note Peter had written to you and even though you didn’t even open it yet, you already felt your stomach twisting and turning.

You had a feeling it would be him saying how pretty you looked or how much he loved you since he was under his lovey trance but when you opened up the note, you felt yourself smile.

Thank you for not being weird about everything that’s going on. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. P.S I love it when you call me Parker

                                                      -------

School dragged on and on and by the time the last bell had rung, you felt like you were on the verge of dropping out.

Any of your STEM classes weren’t as interesting or as challenging to you anymore, especially since you had a whole floor in your own house that was just laboratories filled with people who have actually won Nobel Prizes.  

Once you left class, you made your way straight to your locker and put your math textbook into your backpack. When you shut your locker, you looked up to see your friend Kim holding up her phone towards your face.

“ Hello to you too, what am I looking at?” You asked as you took her phone to get a better look at the screen,” is this a Snapchat invitation?”

“ Good, you can read,” Kim teased as she adjusted the straps of her backpack,” Amber is throwing a party on Saturday and we have to go!”

You furrowed your eyebrows as you handed the phone back to her. You didn’t hate parties but you much rather preferred smaller functions with all of your friends than a room filled with total strangers your age.

“ I thought we hated Amber and I’m pretty sure she hates us. She literally called you rat face when you were doing your presentation and you pushed her into the trashcan the other day,” You reminded Kim as your mind thought back to how much you disliked Amber.

If your school was the chocolate factory, Amber Kennedy was Veruca Salt. Anytime she pouted and whined about whatever new golden ticket she craved, she got it.

While Amber never anything specific towards you, anyone who disrespected your friend was an enemy in your book.

Kim rolled her eyes as the two of you made your way down the hallway,” Okay that’s true, I hate that bitch with every fiber of my being but I just need a mental break from school. Plus, it’ll be good for you to get yourself out there. I heard a certain lead singer in a band is looking forward to seeing you there.”

You knew right away who Kim was going on about but you only shrugged,” I don’t know who you’re talking about...Is it raining outside?”

Of course, she knew you were lying because there was only one guy you ever mentioned around her when you weren’t complaining about Peter.

Joshua- or Josh- was one of the few guys in your life who managed to not piss you off completely but that wasn’t the only thing you liked about him.

“ Let me refresh your memory; dark brown, curly-haired genius who sits behind you in Anatomy and according to you has ‘perfect brown eyes that make me want to jump off a bridge’?” Kim reminded you as you playfully hit her shoulder.

You were never the type to be boy crazy and you weren’t one of the girls who felt their knees buckle every time they saw him, but whenever he would wave or smile at you in class, you had to physically stop yourself from blushing like a schoolgirl.

In all honesty, you wouldn’t say you and Josh were friends, a better-suited term would be classmates that occasionally talked about things outside of school ever now and then. 

“ Look, as much as I would love to go to a party where I know no one and where the host hates me, I’m not going to go to a party just because Josh is going to be there. I don’t care how cute he is, I’m busy dealing with you know who,” You said as you heard someone chuckle behind you.

“ You think I’m cute?”

Your heart dropped to the floor as you turned around to see Josh standing behind you with a wide smirk on his face. You could feel your throat hitch as you quickly looked Josh up and down to make sure he was not a figment of your imagination.

It was nearly impossible for anyone to look good in a school uniform but of course, Josh managed to pull it off every time. His tie was loosely undone around his white collar and his sleeves were rolled up all the way to his elbows and you were 100% on board with it.

For a moment, you felt actual sympathy for Peter because now you understood how he must be feeling.

Without a second thought, you felt your binder slip out of your hands and once it hit the floor, your notes came out of the binder pocket.

You both took a moment to stare at the papers on the floor but Josh was the first one to bend down and pick some of them up.

You snapped out of your daze and kneeled down in front of him awkwardly as you helped him pick up your notes,” I’m sorry, you just startled me.”

Josh let out a small laugh as he shook his head,” Well, I didn’t mean to scare you. I was hoping to do the opposite actually. I was calling your name earlier but I guess you were too busy talking about...me.”

You pressed your lips together as you tried to avoid his gaze, as if that would help the blush fade away,” Yeah, about that, Kim was just telling me that you were planning to go to some party this weekend. Apparently, your band is playing right?”

You looked over your shoulder to look up at Kim but she was nowhere to be seen. Coward.

“ Amber’s party, yeah,” Josh said as you neatly put your stack of papers into your binder,” I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but were you saying that you aren’t going?”

Your heart skipped a beat as you looked up at Josh and you felt stupid for feeling so nervous around him.

 By all means, you were not in love with him and saying that he was your crush was pushing it a bit.

All you knew was that apparently, Josh had been asking about you and that alone made something inside of you click.

You cleared your throat as you nodded, tearing your eyes away from his,” I mean, I would love to go but I might have plans.”

“ That’s too bad, I was kinda hoping I would see you there,” Josh said quietly, his face slightly flushed,” but don’t worry about it. I’m sure whatever you have going on is more important than just some party.”

You didn’t even realize you were both reaching for the same page of notes until his hand rested against yours for a moment. Your heart stopped as you waited for him to pull his hand away but he kept it on top of yours.

After a few seconds passed, Josh held your hand tightly as he helped you stand up again. He gave your hand one last squeeze before he let his hand fall to the side.

What the hell is happening?

As much as you wanted to go to the party, all you could think about was Peter. You knew that more than ever, he needed you and if your dad needed your help in the lab, you wanted to be there.

Then, as if your mind was telling you to reconsider, it pushed forward the conversation you had with Peter before he made contact with the lovedust.

“ You wasted your whole high school years on never accomplishing anything. You never went to a single party, you never passed your drivers test, and you’ve never even had a boyfriend before.”

A part of you couldn’t even believe Peter would ever say something like that because of how obsessed he is over you. Yet, that memory of Peter was only a few days ago.

You couldn’t just let it all go, you knew he was capable of saying hurtful things and for once, you didn’t want to worry about someone else.

For the first time ever, you were going to be selfish.

“ Maybe I can stop by to say hi or something to listen to your band,” You said as you watched him smile back,” but I can’t promise anything.”

Josh flipped his blazer over his shoulder and smirked,” Too late, I’m already looking forward to seeing you there.”

Josh gave a small wave before walking back over to his friends who were leaned up against the lockers. As you walked away, you felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of your shoulders.

When you got to the front doors, you looked out the windows and watched the rain quietly. Of course, Peter was right.

You had planned to walk to the subway station after school since you knew your dad would be too busy fixing Peter to pick you up but if you would have known it was going to rain, you would’ve asked Kim to take you home.

You opened up the glass doors and held your textbook over your head, thankful for once that Mr. Carter had assigned homework from this mammoth of a book.  As you made your way down the stairs, you spotted a familiar face waiting on the bench in the courtyard with an umbrella.

“ Peter?” You called out as his head snapped up to see you,” what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in the lab?”

Peter stood up and held the umbrella closer to you so you wouldn’t get wet and rubbed the back of his neck.

“ Your dad and Banner have been running tests on me all morning so they sent me to my room to rest for a bit. But then I saw that you forgot your umbrella and I didn’t want you to walk to the subway in the rain,” Peter said as the two of you shared the umbrella,” so here I am.”

“ You didn’t have to come all this way...but thank you,” You said as the two of you walked out the gates. 

Peter smiled as you interlocked your arms with him to get closer. As the two of you made your way across town, you both exchanged how your day went but when it came to talking about yours,  you purposely left out the part about Josh and the party.

You didn’t know why you would even keep it from him but you just kept telling yourself that what Peter didn’t know, couldn’t hurt him. Plus, if Peter found out about your interaction with Josh, there could be a possibility that he would be on a whole other level of jealousy and frankly, you didn’t have the time.

“ So, I read your note,” You said as you felt Peter tense up beside you,” you said you’d make it up to me and now I’m intrigued. What did you have in mind?”

“ A lot of things, if we’re thinking about someplace romantic there’s this-” Peter stopped himself and shook his head before taking a breath,” sorry. I’m just trying to get better at controlling what I say around you. I was just going to say that there’s this place around the corner that makes really good milkshakes and I thought it would be a nice date- as friends! Just friends. Unless you want to- fuck! I’m sorry Y/N, I’m just going to shut up now.”

You couldn’t stop yourself from letting out a small laugh as Peter shook his head,” You’re such a sap, Parker. It really is never a dull moment with you.”

Peter opened up the diner doors and as soon as you stepped in, you felt like you had been transported back in time.

The floor was sketched in the iconic black and white checkered print and the platinum bar had bright red stools along the outside. 

Just from your spot in the front, you could smell the peppermint disinfectant that they used to wipe down the tables but you were most focused on the jukebox in the corner as a Ritchie Valens song started to play in the background.

“ How did you find this place?” You asked as Peter led you to one of the booths in the corner of the diner.

“ I always knew about it but I figured it wouldn’t be fun without bringing someone along,” Peter admitted as you looked around at the old, decorative records across the wall,” I know how much you like those old movies so I thought it would be nice to take you back to the fun part of the 50s without the, you know, racism.”

You shook your head laughing as you turned your attention to the menu,” Nothing says the 50s like institutionalized racism and systemic oppression of women.”

Once the waitress arrived at the booth, Peter ordered a milkshake for the two of you to share and while you felt yourself falling deeper into the cliche, you couldn’t oppose since he was paying.

When the waitress left, Peter turned back to you and rested his hands on the table nervously. You couldn’t even imagine what he was thinking about but that in itself made you stand up straighter.

“ Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to but I’m just curious,” You asked as Peter nodded enthusiastically.

“ What does the lovedust feel like?” You asked as Peter raised his eyebrow,” I mean, how does it make you feel... about me?”

Peter felt the inside of his mouth dry up as he croaked,” Do you mean- are you asking me what it feels like to be in love with you? Because honestly Y/N,  it feels so weird-”

“ Being in love with me is weird?”

“ Well yeah! Wait no! No, it’s not weird!” Peter stammered as you watched him get more and more nervous,” it’s not weird to love you but my body feels weird around you. My hands are constantly sweaty and clammy and sometimes it’s hard to even focus on small things like breathing. I can’t even shower without thinking of you- not like that- well kinda like that- but every time I have a quiet moment to myself, all my mind wants to think about is you. When your dad was running tests on me this morning, all I could think about was how you two shared the same last name and one day-hopefully-I can change your last name to Parker- okay see I can’t stop what comes out of my mouth when I’m on a roll!”  

As your mind started to break down every sentence he said, the waitress gave Peter a strange look before placing the milkshake in front of the two of you.

“ Wow, okay that was... a lot. You could’ve left out about half of that but I’ll give you a pass because I feel sorry for you,” You admitted as you took the paper wrapping off of the straw and dipped it into your milkshake,” but is there anything else? Like is there any part of you that still hates me? Or is it all gone because of the lovedust?”

Peter furrowed his eyebrows as you leaned over to take a sip,” Hate you? I never hated you Y/N.”

You pulled your lips away from the straw and sat back,” What do you mean you never hated me? I’m pretty sure you hated me, we were so mean to each other. Like our relationship was toxic as hell.”

Peter lightly banged his straw against the table and tore off the paper around the straw without looking at you.

“ I never hated you. Was I a huge dick to you? Of course I was. Was it entertaining watching you air out your room after I left smoke bombs in it before your friends came over? Kinda yeah. But I never did it because I hated you. I would never do those things out of pure malice but...it’s hard for me to look back and imagine us hating each other when I’m head over heels for you now,” Peter sighed as he started playing with the wrappings of the straw.

It was hard to believe that after all this time Peter never hated you because there were countless times for you where you really hated him and planned to murder him in his sleep without a second thought.

“ I’m not going to lie, I hated you. Some days, you made me feel so shitty about myself that I would cry underneath my covers so no one could hear,” You revealed to him as Peter felt a wave of sadness wash over him,” After a while, I wasn’t even sad anymore I was just so exhausted. I felt like I always had to be on my toes around you just in case you would pull something on me and to make sure you would never make me cry again, I knew I would always have to have the upper hand.”

You watched Peter almost sulk back into his seat, his mind swarming with memories of how awful he really was to you,” Y/N, I am so sorry I ever treated you like that. I never knew I made you cry. I know I’m sick with the powder but even if I wasn’t, I would still feel as miserable as I do right now...I’m a monster aren’t I?”

You wanted to be as honest as possible with Peter but in the state that he was in at the moment, you weren’t sure if he was in the right mental headspace to hear any harsh criticism.

“ We were both monsters...but now we’re different. This is the first time in years where I’ve actually enjoyed your company and while I’m not ready to start picking out baby names or whatever you’re trying to do with me, I like what we have. I just hope that when you get cured, things don’t have to change, you know?” You said as you reached across the table and opened up your hand.

You never knew how important starting over was until now and you knew that no matter what, Peter would always be in your life. The only question was what he really meant to you but at this moment, you didn’t have an answer and it was okay.

Peter looked down at it and hesitantly held it, his fingers caressing over your knuckles lightly as he inhaled deeply,” As long as you’re in my life, things don’t have to change.”

You squeezed his hand as you leaned in to take another sip. When you pulled away, you leaned back into your seat as you playfully sighed,” You know, I can’t decide if I’m weirded out or flattered by your comments lately but at the same time, I kinda wanna just open the flood gates and see what kind of crazy stuff you say so I can blackmail you later on.”

Peter only shook his head as his face started to grow flushed,” Y/N, please,  if I could control my mouth, I would. Once I start talking, every single thought in my mind surges with your face and how I feel like how fucking amazing you look in your uniform-”

“ Nope, nuh-uh, we can stop it right there pervert.”

@eridanuswave​ @juliet-winterson​ @akacalumtrash​ @ilovepeterparker13​

@parkerboop​ @juliebean247​ @multi-fan-lover​ @ffffan-----girlll @lukesbabylon​

@danicarosaline​ @parkeret​ @marvel4geeks​ @hollander69​ @spideyyeet​ @spn-assemble-seven​ @vibraniumdaisies​ @spaghetittiesbcimgay​ @vi-bi-bye

@lemonsnips​ @aduky​ @faithfullcompanion​ @stopthemotherfuckingmusic 

@satellitespidey @foreverpark​ @marvelobsessedteenager​ @deadpoetsbackup

@zalladane​ @starcourt-s​ @parkersinfinitywar​ @stargazingcarol​ @littlesugarb​

@itsteph13​ @jennasmmith​ @liljennyx3​ @harryspet​  @todaynotseen @oh-whatabeautiful-parker​  @tiny-friggin-human @ popluckbih    niiight-dreamerrrr     sovereignparker  marie-is-in-the-dark  buckyboy-soldier   maia030   parkershoco  wolverinesbeer   cherrysruin  sunkissdes  kiainspace  songofcosplay  spideylovin  write-from-the-heart  thatcrazywhovian09   eternallyvenus  thollandx msrawog  idiosadeoro  imawkwardandhereweare  foundwolves  thequeen-oni  silverwolf-sama  inspiring-bea  multiversegalaxygirl   lastupidebitchette idekwho1am

[let-me-luve-you]

Lock Down Streams

Tom Holland x Sister

Summary: Quarantine calls for a fun family live stream.

Warnings: angst, fluff, cyber bullying (rude fans and hate comments)

MASTERLIST

Being on lock down has obviously been a pain in the butt, but you see the silver lining, your brothers were home. With Tom’s filming schedule and Harry always going with him, you barely got to see them. Thankfully you lived with them, so when they were home you got to see them all the time. Seeing them as of late though was slim.

But now with the global pandemic, your brothers were home, Haz was home, and everyone was quarantining together. It hasn’t been all that bad. The boys are very entertaining. You’ve done The Brothers Trust puzzle competition, you’ve all played board games (which may or may not have ended in some fights), and you and Tom have found fun at home workouts to do together.

Tom decided it would be fun to do a live stream and get all siblings involved. Answer some fans questions, but most importantly let them see the siblings interact with each other. Let fans see Tom and his family as they are. Not putting on a show, not scripted to say certain things.

“Hey Y/N, we are about to go live, are you joining us? Tuwaine and Harrison are joining too.” Tom said as he popped his head into your room.

“Yeah. I’ll be there in a second. Are Paddy and Sam joining us?” You asked.

“Harry is going to add them to the live after we start.” Tom said.

You nodded your head as Tom walked out of your room. Sam and Paddy were at your parents house quarantining and you hadn’t really seen them as much. You got up and went to look for your two blood brothers and two adopted brothers. You found them in the dining room already live. You could hear Tom and Harry bickering.

“No you Div, give it to me.” Harry said as he snatched the phone out of Tom’s hand.

“I had it.” Tom said defensively.

“No you didn’t. Here, now we have Sam and Paddy on. What’s going on guys?” Harry said into the phone.

“Hey! We are on. Knew Tom couldn’t do it.” Sam laughed. “Who all is on this live?” Harry turned the phone to show everyone as you walked closer to him.

“Holland sibling reunion plus Tuwaine and Harrison.” You said and smiled into the phone to see Paddy and Sam. “Hey guys! Miss you!” As you went to back away, that’s when you started to see the comments.

Ew Y/N is here.

I thought it was supposed to be the boys only

Y/N get out of here. We just want to see the boys.

If we wanted to see you we would ask

You were trying to hold in your shock at the rude comments. You thought people were okay with you. Obviously they only know about you because of Tom, and they don’t like you as much as Tom, but you didn’t think they would talk crap on his live stream.

“Okay guys! Let’s get some questions for all of us..” Tom looks down at the comments as questions flood in. “Tom who is your favorite sibling?” Tom laughed reading it. “Well that is just putting me in a bad position, but if I’m being 100% honest, it’s Y/N. Everyone knows. Might as well fully claim it now.” Tom turned and smiled at you. You laughed as Harry gave him the bitch face.

“Haz where have you been?” Harry read. Harry turned to Harrison to see him answer.

“Well I was about to go to Paris when the lock down happened. Before that I was in Germany doing some stuff that will be released later this year. Can’t really talk about that one yet though.” Harrison answered.

“Have you been cooking for everyone Sam?” Sam read from the live. “I have been. Mom, Dad, Paddy, and I have eaten really well this lock down. They’ve been my guinea pigs on new recipes.”

“WHAT?!” Harry said. “You’ve been cooking? And not sharing?”

“Sorry mate.” Sam said looking unremorseful.

“Y/N come read one.” Tuwaine said to you. Tom pushed the phone closer to you so you could read the comments.

No one wants to see her.

Y/N omg I love her

Give us more Sam and Harry fighting.

Y/N go away

Who’s your favorite brother?

NO ONE CARES GIVE US THE BOYS

You read all the comments barely seeing any questions or positive notes. You finally read a question, but Tom had already seen your face drop. Sam and Paddy had read the comments and knew you were affected by it.

“Um..” You stumbled through your words. “I would have to say my favorite brother is Tom. Sorry boys, but yeah. Tom for sure.” You sat back and watched as Tuwaine saw a question for him.

“Tuwaine, when will you have a new movie or show out? Well you guys, I’ve been working on some stuff that I can’t really talk about yet, but be on the look out. Promise you the wait will be worth it.” Tuwaine said and smiled.

“Seriously you guys. Tuwaine has talked to me about it and the wait will be worth it. Tuwaine is going to kill it.” Tom said proudly. Tuwaine turned shy as he responded with a small thank you and a grab of Tom’s shoulder.

The comments kept running through your head as the boys kept answering fans questions. You didn’t want to sit there anymore so you pulled your phone out.

“Oh mom’s calling me, I’ll be back.” You said walking out of the room.

Sam looked up from the phone and saw his mom sitting there reading a book. He grabbed Paddy’s phone and texted Haz.

Hey mate, it’s Sam. Tell Tom to go check on Y/N. She was getting hate comments. Mom didn’t call her.

Haz felt his phone vibrate and looked at it. Harry and Tuwaine were talking about something they had done the day before so when he showed Tom his phone, it wasn’t noticed by many.

Tom felt his heart drop. He loves his sister so much. He’s always trying to protect her from hurt and knowing his fans were hating her, he felt responsible. Tom stood up with a quick ‘I’ll be right back’ and left the room.

“Y/N” Tom said as he gently opened your door. He saw you sitting on your bed just staring out into the backyard. “Hey. I’m sorry my fans are rude. I’m going to go back in there and say something.” You went to say something but Tom stopped you. “No before you say anything, It’s not okay for them to attack my family. You are my little sis and my best friend and I won’t stand for it.”

You smiled at his protectiveness and stood up and wrapped him in a hug.

“I love you.” You said as he kissed the top of your head.

“Love you back.” Tom said as he pulled away and smiled at you. “Come on. Let’s go back in there and finish the live.”

You walked back in to Paddy describing the time Harry got his head stuck in a bucket. You laughed quietly as you remembered the day. It was your fault the bucket was stuck.

“Y/N is an evil sister. She pushed the bucket down harder. We had to cut it off. Dad had to take me to the A&E.” Harry laughed as he said this and looked up to smile at you.

“Next time don’t try to make me eat a worm.” You laughed.

“Okay guys. I want to say something really quick and then we are going to go.” Tom said. Haz had shown Harry and Tuwaine Sam’s text so they knew what was coming. “I know that you all like our interactions together, and I know that you are more fans of us because we are guys and you think we are cute. But I won’t stand for you talking bad about Y/N. I won’t stay quiet and ignore it. Y/N is smart, beautiful, kind, and the most caring person I have ever met. She is my best friend. We see the comments you make. We see that you don’t care for her as much as you care for us. When we see comments like that, it makes us not want to do things like this. We love interacting with you guys and we know that it isn’t all of you doing it, but a few bad people can ruin it for everyone.”

I love my family. I love my sister. I won’t stand for this. We planned on being on for longer or doing this again, but as of now we are going to end this one and not do this again for a while. We thought it would be fun to talk with you guys during this time. Gives us something to do and we were hoping if you were bored, it gave you something to do. We may do this again, we may not. But just know that I won’t allow you talk shit on my family. I’m grateful for my fans, I wouldn’t be where I am without you, but I also would be absolutely no where and nothing without my family.” Tom finished.

“What Tom said. Y/N is my little sister. I don’t like people that try to hurt her.” Tuwaine added.

“She’s my best friend. She is always there for me when I need her. It’s been my job to protect her as well as Tom, Harry, and Sam’s job. Nothing comes before family.” Paddy added on the phone.

Harry wrapped an arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer.

“So know that we see the comments.” Harry said.

“We know who you are.” Sam said.

“And we won’t stand for you spreading hate.” Harrison finished.

“We love our fans, but we love Y/N more. So until next time… maybe. You all stay safe and wear your mask.” Tom said. “Now how do I turn this thing off.” Harry laughed and grabbed the phone to turn off the live.

“You okay Y/N?” Harrison asked.

“Yeah. Thank you. All of you. You guys are the best.” You smiled at them. They all smiled at you. “Now. Let me make some popcorn and we can watch movies the rest of the day."

[sserpente]

Ok, i dont have anyone to talk to about the new episode of Loki, so imma dump my thoughts here (please), what are your thoughts?(thank you)

I just wanna say that I aint here to gatekeep or hate on any thought, my feelings and opinions are my own.

Ok, the first thing I gotta say is: why did, whatever moment Loki and Sylvie had, make a nexus? By the TVAs own rules, nothing they did should have made a blip cause they were still on/at an apocalypse.

Next bit is that i dont understand the hardcore leaning the episode had to ship Loki and Sylvie. Like, personally i dont think the ship makes sense, but that aside, why would Loki, a dude who keeps his emotions close to the vest, fall in love with anyone in a 12 hour period. Thats like a fanfic oneshot writing right there.

And even *if* they did have a romantic relationship, why does that matter? Loki has love. He loves his mom, brother, and even jerk face Odin. So platonic love isn't enough? It *has* to be romantic love for it to mean something?

Good on Mobius and 15 for taking a step towards rocking the boat.

And while I did think that the Sif bit was a bit harsh (again being told he is alone AND physical pain), it was nice to see a reference to mythology stories.

I heard rumors that a season two could already be green lit. If its true, i hope Tom can come back so we can have more of his take on the character.

Okay, I'll go through this because I've seen quite a few reactions like yours to this episode, so here are my thoughts and I hope they'll help! ♥

So, I assume that their connection and feelings for one another (whether they're romantic or not) are so strong they could create that Nexus Event. Loki also said that they may lose but never die so maybe that hope and strength also helped with the Nexus event--it was so strong that it actually created a branch even though they were in an apocalypse! But maybe we'll got more information on that in the next episode!

I freaked out about it and I seriously thought he was going to kiss her. It makes sense to me, somehow. While Sylvie is the Goddess of Mischief and hypothetically a Loki Variant, technically she was born as the Goddess of Mischief because of an event that we still don't know about--so there's still some secrets around her character. So what I'm trying to say is that Sylvie has always been her own person and never just a "photocopy" of Loki himself. So technically, just because Mobius claims he fell in love with another version of himself, that doesn't necessarily mean that's 100% what it is.

I don't see what's wrong with fanfic oneshots? 😅 I must say, I don't really like that comparison, love. That makes it sound like fanfiction is some low-quality fangirly work to quench our Loki thirst. You probably didn't mean it that way but MEEEH, I disagree with that comparison completely!

Listen, I completely understand your point. It happened so fast. But you know what? I bought it. 100% I bought it. Maybe that's purely because of Tom's marvellous acting but it's actually more than that. I write romance novels myself and yes, in most cases it doesn't make much sense to have the protagonist(s) fall in love within a day and kiss and live happily ever after. But it always depends on the situation and when I watched the episode I did not once get the feeling "how did this happen so fast". So I sat down and thought about it and the conclusion I came to is the following: Yes, Loki has only known Sylvie for a very short time. But she is the Goddess of Mischief. She is just like him but different. Loki has finally met someone who resonates with him, someone who went through similar things. I feel like part of Loki feels like he has known Sylvie for much longer (and he has because she's ALSO the Goddess of Mischief) which is how he could develop feelings for her so quickly (plus, Loki admitted that this is new to him, that he's never had anything "real"... I think it's overwhelming for him. If Sylvie turns out to be his love interest then it's probably the first time for Loki that he feels this way which also explains his strong reactions). Now I say feelings and I definitely got that romantic vibe from them and it does look like he's in love with her and I'd be SO here for that (if you've seen my reaction to the episode you'll know how excited I was) but ultimately, we don't know yet if this will take off in a romantic direction after all. It might as well be that through Sylvie, Loki finally learns to love himself (not in a narcissistic way--if anything, him "admitting" that he's a narcissist proved how much he struggles with himself; that narcissistic side of him is part of the show, part of the mask he wears to protect himself--and he seems so broken and sad now that he actually started believing it, especially since others, including Mobius, kept telling him that as well; I mean that's just one theory but there's 100% more to Loki believing that he's a narcissist) which would be equally beautiful.

I mean... sure he loves his family but ultimately and even though they all love him back in their very own somewhat twisted way, they are one of the main reasons why Loki suffers so much. Odin treated him like the second fiddle all his life, never told him about his Frost Giant heritage until it was inevitable and Thor? Remember when Loki told him "I remember a shadow, living in the shade of your greatness" in The Avengers? The romance, whether it is one or not, doesn't overpower the plot to me, it's part of Loki's self-discovery. So it's not so much about the "it has to be romantic love" aspect. Loki's family was pretty toxic, you can't deny that. It's about him feeling for a person who accepts him just the way he is (including the fact that Loki himself doesn't quite know what he actually wants) and Frigga (don't get me wrong she's a wonderful mother and I like her very much but she too kept that secret from Loki and helped gaslighting him in TDW, she's not perfect), Odin and Thor all failed to do that. Not to mention that this Loki doesn't have a timeline and is, in fact, COMPLETELY alone. No one he loves is here anymore. So it's not far-fetched that he'd get attached to Sylvie (and fast too), in whatever way that may be.

Mobius and B-15 going against the TVA were a HIGHLIGHT for sure!

I loved that reference too and yes, it was very harsh, I agree on that. Sif acted like he cut off her nose and not her hair, so she must have been REALLY angry.

I thought it was already confirmed? Either way, I am 100% certain there will be more seasons! I mean, it was clear from the beginning to me that if they're making a Loki series, there will be more than one season! 😅