#The mind is super cool and trying to unweave some of that web to find cause and effect is cool

[vio1315]

I love psychology actually

but doesn’t mean I have to love everything done in that field or even see it as good or ethical

or assume everything done under that label is well thought out

[taz-manic]

Fuzzy and Out of Balance (3 / ??)

Lucretia knew you weren't dangerous. If you were even anywhere near to that word, it would be to yourself. You had, over the weeks you've been in the Bureau, have pushed people away. Avi and Johann were adamant about visiting you, Avi because he thought you were fun, and Johann because you could tell him the vast past of his world and he could make songs based on terrible legends no one would want to remember. Merle, of course, came around. Magnus and Taako, not as much. Maybe to pick up Merle, maybe to ask a vague question. You didn't mind their hesitance--you could list off every fact about them. And the fact that you're pretty sure they both know you're hiding something you can never say. And hey! Even if you did, they wouldn't fucking hear it! Which is absolutely disheartening.

As the days flicked by, you began to learn. You knew nothing but this world, and not even the basic necessities. Lucretia--Madam Director--worked with you for hours, teaching you how to function as a human being. It was difficult, of course, as you had the emotional stability of a cracked egg on a python. You would often burst into tears or get angry because you didn't /know/ how to emote properly. But Lucretia taught you, and as you two spent hours upon hours alone--occasionally with Merle--you talked. You confessed you knew it all--every facet of their past. Every year they went through, everything they did. You slowly manipulated Lucretia into thinking you're a time god of the past--you would never tell her the future. Even if she had taken you under her wing, you didn't want to alert her to anything she shouldn't know. You know it would ruin her. And you loved her too much to do that.

It was the day before the Midsummer Solstice, and you and Lucretia were sat in her private office next to the voidfish. You idly spoke with her about anything that came to mind, mostly what she planned for tomorrow. What she would do. And as you sat, and almost feeling real peace, your vision statics over and you're seeing another vision. Five figures stand opposed to the endless, colorful blackness. Three stand tall, one holds up a staff, and one cries. The darkness is dispelled, and--and your vision disappears. Slowly, you begin to see, and you have a hand readied to break the glass of the baby voidfish's tank. Lucretia is standing next to you, a hand gripping your fist to keep the tank safe. You step back and fall to the floor in a heap. Your hands tremble and you reach for words you can't use because they don't exist. Then, you speak:

"This form is... Taxing." You wheeze out. Lucretia, who was pulled to the ground with you, fixes herself and sits on her feet at your side. You close your eyes tightly and take in a deep breath. "Godly energy isn't supposed to be here. But I am fine--just. If I ever zonk out for too long, just knock me out. I'll learn to deal with it, or give a cue, or something. Because I will mess everything up. Why? i don't know. I don't know anything." You get up to stand, just as you hear a knocking way down the hall. Lucretia presses you down with a stern expresion.

"It isn't your fault. I trust you." She says softly, before standing and going to answer the door past the illusions. You sit, and you feel trust wrap around you. You haven't--well. You haven't felt much of anything but extremes, but now you feel the gentle caress of trust. Of being loved. You stand almost immediately and leave that feeling behind. You're a liar and a manipulator. You could save their lives. Yet you aren't.

As you walk out into Lucretias office, you see Merle flanked by Magnus and Taako. All three seem giddy--probably for the carnival tomorrow. You walk up and wave, and Lucretia turns around with a soft, slightly angry expression, but it disappears as Merle says "Just the person I wanted to see! I wanted ta invite you out with us tomorrow. To go to the carnival, you know?" Merle looks up at Magnus, who grins widely and nods. Taako, well. He's Taako. He isn't beside himself, but he does have a little smile on his face. You are surprised that you have no idea why they're so excited. You don't remember them being like this before. Your eyes glaze over for a second, but Lucretia is fast to clap a firm hand on your shoulder.

"They will be glad to. They need some time out anyway." She answers for you. You are both relieved and a bit worried--you suck at carnival games. You look up at Lucretia, who smiles and nods. Okay. Okay. Just have fun. You smile wide and give a thumbs up! Fuck yeah man! Cool.

--

The next day rolls around, and you exit your quarters--directly next to Davenport's, so Lucretia always has her two best people right there--with a silly Magic Brian outfit on. You made it magically with Avi a few weeks ago, who was more than a little excited to make a bit of fun of an old betrayer to the BoB. You put on your best "I am pretty, and I fucking know it, but please don't stare I am still super not into that" look, mostly taking from how you've seen Taako hold himself, and get going to the meetup spot. You see the trio--Magnus as Taako, Taako as some Judge, and Merle as Ursula. Just... Just as terrible as you envisioned. Its oddly charming but also god fuck. You wave, and are immediately swept up in their antics. A stick of fried unicorn dick--You get some fried fantasy vegetable since you aren't a fan of dick--later, and you arrive at the goddamn knocking down cans game. You shiver and immediately whisper to the boys in a harsh tone, "Don't play. You won't win. Can't use magic, its illegal and will get you stamped with a cheaters icon on your hand." The boys hear you, and for a second they're thinking of ignoring that warning, but then they remember you're a fucking time god. So, instead, they pelt the man himself with a ball. And... They get banned from all carnival games. You blink, but as you do, another memory pops up of this event. The screech. The... You remember their good rolls, but you've changed canon. Its too late for fate to be the same. You yank Taako and Magnus down to your level, and you harshly whisper "Cover your fucking ears with whatever you have on you." They don't listen this time. At least, Magnus and Taako don't. They roll their eyes and try to console you, but you clap your hands over your ears just as Merle did as a screech rings out in the area. Taako and Magnus both fail to not be affected as this wave of sound breaks past. You know its dealt damage to the both of them, and definitely blown both back. You quiver and immediately grab Merle and start running to Madame Director, who peers out of her great hall door. Taako and Magnus, after groaning and standing up, follow.

"Boys." Lucretia begins, her hand encircling her staff and a short glass of wine as she stretches out one bandage covered leg. Mummy! Classic. You suggested it. Easy and useful in case of attack. "That was..." She trailed off and waved her wine a bit, before sighing. She looks pointedly at you, then nods.

"Well!" You begin. "Big bad shit. Big bad thing. Ea--no um. Destroying the whole world thing. Its angry and it screamed in anger. Its... The eyes? Were. It trying to find... Something. I don't know what, but... No okay thats all I know." You fake a pained expression and hold your head with a few huffs. Lucretia looks momentarily upset, but she calms down quickly.

"Because of this, I must urge you boys to seek out the next relic. I kno--" She is quickly interrupted by Taako, who says "They knew it was going to happen and they warned us. Are you sure you don't know anything else, /darling/?" Taako--well. He didn't speak with malice, more annoyance. Eternal annoyance. You, well. You shrug. "I don't know, exactly all of the future but certain things do come up based on educated... No okay fucking! Fucking fine. Let me be real." You stand up straighter, and Lucretia does too. You have a slight stare off, before you cover your face and drag your hands down your face. "I can see the future. Not too far, maybe a week. I know whats about to happen the best, I didn't want to tell you because if I tell you EVERYTHING, you'll change how you act and then I can't, I can't even help you a little bit. I only see one future, one past. I don't see all possibilities. If I spout shit now, before its of vital importance, then I have no fucking cards. No cards! No cards on my fucking side!" You throw up your hands and really begin ranting. "Then what am I? A fucking useless person? Everything I know about the past is final, that shit has passed. But people already know the past. My vague understanding--my understanding of the future and knowing shit I shouldn't in the past is the ONLY thing keeping me here! I am useless if I tell you everything. I can give hints, I can give mere seconds of, of a fucking hint before an event to hopefully save you life and limb. But I can't fucking dictate your entire lives. Time--time doesn't--WORK like that!" You... May be a pathological liar! You are now realising that. You're weaving and unweaving a web of lies to protect yourself. Of course, the raw emotion behind your words are real. You do feel as if you'd be useless without your power. Who would you be? What could you even do? Tears burn down your.cheeks as you keep ranting. "I'm not even fucking from here! If I'm not something to you guys, I'll die downstairs on the real fucking planet and be a--an idiot, alone and, talentless, alone, talentless, and stupid. Stupid and emotional. And I don't want to fuck up the good ending I know is in the future by fucking with what you have now! I know you'll all /live/ and--and--" Your hands curl into fists, just as your vision begins to fade into static. You panic and cry out to Lucretia, who you see command Magnus with fear in her eyes just as you fade away.

You stand next to June, who holds the Temporal Chalice. She stands in front of nothing, the white void immeasurable. She hums to herself, before looking at you and simply saying "You aren't real." You ask her how can you.not be real? You eat, you breathe, you learn. She thinks on this, before she shakes your head. "Thats a paradox. You can't exist. You are... A book. No, not a book. A living catalogue of events not your own. You're... Fro--" and your vision fizzles out.

When you awake, the carnival has long ended, and you feel it in your gut. The Tres Horny Boys are gone to Goldcliff. A shiver races up your spine and you almost cry. You slink into Davenports room and wake him up. He stares at you, before you sit next to him with your hands in your lap. He is groggy, but then you start telling him a journey. A journey made up, a journey of three.brothers and their father.