dripping-black-goo

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started feeling off so I took my meds again.

I'm thinking now that it's obvious I've been feeling weird. I'm going off an ssri. like duh. of course I'm going to feel disoriented. it's most likely that.

like these are the symptoms:

i went from 20mg to 10mg pretty fast and also started doing every other day. I'm going way too quick.

i have to let my body get used to being on 10mg again before I start doing every other day. it's only been about a week. cutting the dose in half is already a big deal. I have to be more gradual about stuff.

im going to take the 10mg consistently for a while.

[dripping-black-goo]

I felt less disoriented today.

I ended up having my cacao anyway. It didn't really change much. I mean, it maybe made my heart race a bit, but it didn't give me that disoriented feeling.

What I did differently is:

1. I took my anxiety meds last night.

2. I didn't have my melatonin/L-theanine gummies.

3. I didn't have the gut-concoction.

About the "gut concoction" -- it's a 3-herb remedy that you drink to heal your gut. And, my dad today said that it can cause acidosis and that people who have high levels shouldn't take it often. I've been drinking it pretty consistently, and that's also something that I had yesterday before I drank my cacao and exercised. I'm wondering if acid levels in my body got too high and that's why I felt so off. I'm going to stop drinking it for a bit.

I've never had levels so high that it was concerning, but I have had higher than average levels of something that is often linked to acidosis. So I should probably be careful.

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I want to list the differences I feel going off/lowering my dose of meds vs being on them/on the higher dose. I'm going to keep adding to this by editing as I notice things.

Off/Lowering:

I have more energy. So far I realize that I have a lot more energy. Which is nice. The meds completely obliterated my energy levels. It was hard for me to do much of anything. I was tired constantly.

I don't have that tightness or pressure in my chest. Which is relieving. It was very unpleasant and concerning.

I feel more. I don't feel so numbed out and tired. I'm able to experience more excitement and love for things again. I honestly didn't entirely realize that was being stunted until I started feeling it again.

On/Higher:

I took my meds today as an "on" day, and I realized after taking them I got moody and impatient. I think because it makes me drowsy that I'm more irritable. Certain things I think might be easier for me to deal with if I have the energy to deal with it.

contradicts, but before taking my meds I have having stress and anxiety and after taking it I calmed down a lot and feel more relaxed. so i got the opposite of moody and impatient. just got calmer.

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after taking my meds I started feeling that tightness and pressure in my chest again. and I'm still super disoriented. I took my vitamins, had some sweets and red meat, still disoriented. I'm just totally out of it. my vagus nerve might be wonking out.

I was totally fine when I woke up which is the weird part. I started feeling off once I drank my cacao and exercised.

im not gonna have my cacao tomorrow, I want to see if that helps at all.

[dripping-black-goo]

I want to make a post about how I feel going off/lowering my dose of my anxiety meds.

I have more energy. So far I realize that I have a lot more energy. Which is nice. The meds completely obliterated my energy levels. It was hard for me to do much of anything. I was tired constantly.

I don't have that tightness or pressure in my chest. Which is relieving. It was very unpleasant and concerning.

I feel more. I don't feel so numbed out and tired. I'm able to experience more excitement and love for things again. I honestly didn't entirely realize that was being stunted until I started feeling it again.

That's all that I'm able to notice, so far. There may be other things happening that I just don't notice consciously. It's possible that I feel more anxiety, but I'm not positive. I definitely feel more in general.

I'm a little worried of having more issues with dissociation and mood swings. I did notice that on the meds I had less dissociation (though did still occasionally experience it) and less moodiness. Beforehand, I could be pretty cruel and bitey and was very sensitive to perceived hurts. So I'm hoping that won't come back, but we will see.

I'm still not sure yet if I'm going to go on a different med or if I'm going to just try holistic things. I guess it depends on how I feel, and what my psychiatrist says.

I was scheduled to meet with my psychiatrist on Dec 30th but she stood me up. She's so unprofessional. She has a habit of being late, she's received phone calls during our appointment, she reduces our appointment time from 30 mins to 2 mins but gets paid for 30. she's prescribed me medications that have negative interactions when taken with other meds she prescribed me with. I know more than she does just by looking at Google. I definitely don't trust her, but she is able to prescribe me medication, which obviously I can't do, so that's pretty much what I'm using her for. I just have to know whats going on beforehand because I can't rely on her to have the information I need.

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i want to update on my dad thing with the cat and the drinking that happened recently

i ended up texting my mom because she asked me if i was okay. i told her how i felt about the dad thing. with him and the cat and the drining and bad memories. i went to sleep soon after

when i woke up, still felt really off but i wanted to push past it. i wanted things to feel better. i didnt want to feel so scared that i didnt even want to leave my room. so i built up my courage and i left my room and i just tried to act normal. and then my dad was being super nice to me. i realized quickly that my mom told him about what i texted to her. and he said he would never drink the way he did before. he said he will never drink excessively or drink hard liqur again. just one glass of red wine occassionally. so that relieved me

my mom also said that he didnt actually mke contact with the cat. im not sure i believe it but id rather believe it. and i dont have proof that he did anyway. so its one of those things where i can choose to believe ir or not. im choosing to believe it

i ended up feeling better after that

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I had some sweets, sweets that are on the healthier side but ya know still sweets so. I am still pretty out of it. Im having really bad memory issues right now. im not surprised since i feel so disoritented. its hard to even focus at all never mind remember things. i feel like im in a dream

i ended up taking my meds too. ill have some red meat later. i took vit d too. ill take vit e later

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I forgot I even made this account. I almost wasn't able to log in because I forgot the email and password I used. I was obviously dissociating pretty bad.

Coincidentally, I feel pretty out of it right now. Mentally, I'm okay, it's more of a physical thing.

I woke up, had my cacao, exercised. Towards the end of my exercise I suddenly started having vision problems and was feeling disoriented and weird.

I'm not dizzy, but I'm disoriented. I feel like there's a strain on my eyes. I'm very sensitive to light and sound at the moment.

I might have a silent migraine. That's basically when you have migraine symptoms but without the throbbing, shooting pain.

A number of things could have caused it.

My neck was a bit sore yesterday. It's possible while I was exercising that it put my neck out a bit more. The thing is, I'm not having neck pain now. Maybe my neck isn't "out" so much as something is just pressing on a nerve. Maybe tight muscles.

The cacao. It's not high in caffeine, it's less than a cup of coffee, but I am sensitive to caffeine in general. It's possible that I got it from the caffeine. Could be high blood pressure, high cholesterol, I'm not sure. Cacao is actually supposed to help lower your cholesterol so I want to rule that out.

I'm in the process of changing my diet. I've been eating a lot of sugar and fatty foods. It's possible that I'm having withdrawal symptoms.

I am currently going off my anxiety meds. I went from 20mg to 10mg. And lately have been taking 10mg every other day. I didn't take it last night, it's possible that I'm lowering the dose too quickly.

Actually, I do, at this point, have a slight ache between my brows. I wouldn't call it a headache, it doesn't feel like a headache. My head isn't throbbing. The ache is in a very specific location, between my brows, and I think it might have more to do with my eyes than my head. I do have vision problems, and need to wear glasses. My vision could be the cause.

Or it could be a combination of things. I should probably give myself a bit more sugar today and have some red meat. Not a lot, just enough so that my body doesn't think I'm holding out.

So I guess what I learned from this post is that I should be more gradual about changes I make. I'm going to take my meds and have a little bit of the foods I'm working on reducing.

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started feeling better after talking to BF, the switch just suddenly happened and i felt back to myself. we chatted a little, he listened to me, and then he showed me a fun song and I snapped out of it. I'm very grateful for him

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my solution is to get out of this house. I live with my triggers. I live with the people that gave me (at least some of) my ptsd. it's really hard to heal and recover when you live with your triggers.

im mad, my anxiety is so bad that I can't handle working. I specifically have major social anxiety. I've tried working and it never lasts, I end up quitting after having a break down. the stress of working for people and around people makes me sick.

even working for people at home and online is too much. I don't want to be around people. I don't want people to rely on me for anything. I can't handle other people's expectations. they always have expectations I can't meet and then get mad at me for not being able to meet them. it's not fair

I didn't have this kind of anxiety when I was little. I was happy and out going. people didn't scare me. I wonder how much of it is Autism and how much of it is PTSD.

need to get out of this house because it gives me anxiety but too afraid to work because I have severe anxiety. catch 22.

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im tempted to take my sisters meds. she's prescribed fast acting anxiety meds. clonazepam. I know it's a highly addictive drug and that the side effects aren't great if used long term. the withdrawals suck really bad and are dangerous.

but damn, they give you a few days of relief and it's really nice. I wish I could feel like that without meds. anxiety just disappears

i tried talking to my psychiatrist about her prescribing me fast acting anxiety meds but so many of them are known to increase heart issues. she prescribed me one that the pharmacist had to warn me about and I had to tell her. she recommended other ones and they all cause heart troubles. she ended up saying to try holistic remedies like ashwaghanda and melatonin and stuff. helps a little but it doesn't feel like enough.

clonazepam doesnt cause heart issues but withdrawing can kill you so that's great. it's an anti seizure medication and not taking it after long term use can give you seizures

i would just take it as needed so it wouldn't be consistent use so I'd just have to deal with the more minor withdrawals. which even those are pretty bad, for the mind. I get really irritated and sensitive when I withdraw after just one dose.

idk what to do right now regarding meds. I guess I'm just waiting for my psychiatrist.

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im really stressed out. I don't feel like myself. I wish I did. I hate being in this state of dissociation. I keep trying to pull myself out of it and sometimes I manage but then I get sucked back down. it sucks. it feels like drowning.

about a week ago I noticed my anxiety meds have been making my chest feel tight after I take them. and I looked it up and the med is known to affect the heart. I was fiagnosed a few years ago with a heart condition, an incomplete right bundle branch block. it's not known to be a severe issue but there can be side effects depending on the person. I looked it up and my medication can apparently CAUSE RBBB. I was on it for 10 years, went off for like 5, and recently went back on it last year.

im currently working with my psychiatrist to try something else. she said she's looking into the effects it has on the heart. and that if there are heart side effects (there are) that she will prescribe me something else.

right now I've been lowering my dose. she's waiting till our next appointment to discuss changing meds but I'm feeling side effects NOW and I don't want to wait. I went down on my dose a bit.

its been hard especially with everything that's going on with my family. I ended up taking my full dose today.

i really relate to Arthur Fleck from the Joker movie sometimes, this saying pops up in my head a lot

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my dad came to me asking if everyone is mad at him. I didn't say anything. he asked me if my sister is mad. and if she is, why. I said I didn't know.

i hate that I'm still a coward. I just can't handle the consequences of being honest about these things. I don't want to be yelled at or mistreated. I can't handle it.

he went on to say "all I know is that I work all the time. I go to work and then come home and work some more. I'm just trying to be nice by talking to people"

as if being someone who works has anything to do with anything. I don't know where that mentality comes from. "I work so forgive me for all of my faults!" no? that's not how that works.

and you're not nice.

also his example of "working at home" is doing household chores. which we all partake in. he and my mom are obsessive about it to the point they can't handle a single dish in the sink but we all help to keep the house clean.

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yesterday I came home and my parents were home from spending Christmas with my older sister. and I heard my mom say to my dad "(cat) is really scared of you, she won't even come out for treats"

I went to check on (cat) and she ran under the bed, and when I tried to give her treats she was scared of me like she was afraid to be hurt. so I asked what happened. after not standing up for the cats in the past, I do now, I won't allow him to mistreat them.

my dad wouldn't answer. my mom said "you didn't hit her right? you just swiped at her?" I don't know what he did, I'm hoping it was just swiping, but even that is not okay. especially at an anxious cat. and I know he yelled too. I told him not to do it again and I threatened him. and he said she deserved it. she's a cat! she doesnt deserve mistreatment of ANY kind, we are the ones that took her into our home! its our responsibility to care for her and treat her well, no matter what she may do! it really upset me. my dad used to hurt our other cats. he made (old cat) go into shock one time and it really reminded me of that. I didn't do anything back then because I was too scared of him and I really regret it. I hate the memory

I already started to dissociate at that point but then I found out my dad drank alcohol at my older sister's house too. he's a horrible drunk. he's not supposed to drink and he knows it. so much trauma in my family comes from him drinking. and it's probably why he couldn't control his temper with (cat) last night

ive been dissociating on and off ever since. it sucks. I hate it. and he has today off from work. it's difficult to recover when he's right there. every time I leave my room they're both right there. my room is connected right to the kitchen and living room where they spend 90% of their time. I just want to be left alone. I'm staying in my room as much as I can until they go to sleep. my mom isn't really doing anything wrong but she's just overbearing right now, she's asking a lot of questions and requesting a lot and I'm not in the frame of mind for it.

i am a little bothered that shes acting like nothing happened and nothing is a big deal. I wish she would've stood up for the cat. I wish she would've stopped him from drinking. she was there with him.

[dripping-black-goo]

i have a lot of ptsd from my dad

there was a period during my teens/early 20s where he was an alcoholic and he was pretty aggressive

my mom developed a crush on another guy and wrote a letter to him and my dad found it and he got pretty nasty

when drinking he would break things and threaten peoples lives.

one time he choked me to the point my vision started to blur and i couldn't breathe because he didn't believe that I loved and wanted to help him. I tried helping him because he cut his finger and was bleeding and I was bandaging it. and he put me in a choke hold and said "do you mean it?? do you really even care??" I had to convince him that I did and that I was just trying to help

he would vent to me for hours about my mom and how much he hated her. he'd say horrible things about her weight and go into detail about how unsatisfying their sex life was. he'd talk about how stupid she was.

one time he got really bad and took my mom in the room. he was yelling at her. then he punched the mirror in their room and got blood all over his hand. he wiped it all over my mom and said LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! my mom came to me pale as a ghost and covered in blood. I thought he stabbed her. I realized it wasn't her blood and I saw how out of it she was. she was dissociating really bad. I grabbed her face and I told her to look at me and I told her she was okay and that she was safe. I just wanted to comfort her and bring her back. my dad ended up following her and we were all just stuck in the room. at this point my memory is a little hazy but I remember my mom was rocking back and forth on the floor while my dad was yelling and me and my sibling went into the closet. we were both crying. I was pushing and pulling my sibling in a rocking motion. I was trying to comfort us both but i was pretty out of it.

skip ahead, my mom ended up in front of the closet somehow, and my dad was saying SHES DRIVING ME CRAZY LOOK WHAT SHE DOES TO ME!! I was trying to calm him down and validate him so he'd stop but it didn't help

skip ahead, me and my sibling took our foster kid outside. I remember our foster kid said "I thought I was safe here?"

skip ahead, I don't remember why but I went inside. maybe I was checking to see if my mom was okay. they were in the kitchen and she was on the floor again. my dad was hovering over her and pointing at her and saying he was going to stab her. she was glaring up at him.

skip ahead, I was back outside, my mom came out saying to call the cops because he was threatening to stab her. I was too scared to go against my dad.

thats what I remember of that and probably the worst ptsd moment. though there were other bad times. a lot of the time when he got drunk i would bring him to me to keep him away from my mom, who he always wanted to get mad at when drunk. he would vent to me for hours. I let him so he'd calm down and wouldn't hurt my mom or sibling. one time he kept us locked in my room and put my drawer in front of the door so she couldn't get in and I couldn't get out. he started kicking my stuff.

one time he punched right through a door

one time he got mad at my mom and grabbed her and threw her. she ended up having bruises all over her arms

another time he picked up one of the very heavy kinds of rocking chairs and threw it across the room, breaking it into pieces

he used to hurt our cats too. he'd slap them, grab them cruelly, yell at them. throw them. force them under the shower. one time he chased my cat with an empty bb gun so it blasted out loud sounds of air. he chased her around the house until she went under the bed and went into shock. I remember she was lying there, not moving, eyes not blinking, and just breathing heavily. I hate the memory so much. It haunts me. I wish I didn't remember it. I wish I stopped him. I was too afraid to stop him. she developed severe anxiety after that.

so many times I didn't do anything because I was too scared of him. I regret it. I wish I'd done more. I'm so sorry to those in my family that had to suffer because of him.