dripping-black-goo

[dripping-black-goo]

ive been exhausted. I'm going down on my meds still but I'm like so drained.

ive also been REALLY moody.

going off my meds, plus going on statins, and having to change my diet so extremely. I'm very annoyed.

except at my boyfriend, he never annoys me. he makes me feel good and makes me happy.

i ate good.besrly all of January. I'm going to have a burger on Feb 1st.

im sure my cholesterol must be going down

[dripping-black-goo]

i was really up and down that night I last posted. I was really fluctuating mentally/emotionally. I would feel okay, then feel bad again, it felt very unstable. I ended up not watching or doing anything other than chat with my bf because I was out of sorts, and I told him so.

the next day, or at least I think it was the next day, we spent morning till night on video. it was great. I felt really good, the whole day was happy. we watched a movie, he went to sleep and I watched him sleep, we watched the simpsons, then he watched me sleep lol. we ate together too, it was nice. he always makes me feel good. I might be a little dependent on him.

then I finally saw my psychiatrist and she forgot she even said she'd look into my meds and the effect they have on the heart. she also stood be up prior, I forgot if I mentioned that. but I'm basically telling HER information I find out about meds and tell her what I'm going to do. she's not very helpful. at this point im not sure I even want to be on meds anymore. I guess I'll decide whether or not i need them once I'm off the citalopram.

i got my blood work and my cholesterol got higher. the LDLs did. I saw my doctor and she wanted to put me on statins to lower it. she said I had a 46% risk of having a heart attack. at first she said "within the next 10 years" and then she said "in your lifetime" so im not sure what it was, but I don't want that to happen period. she said "46 is a little higher for my liking" and that makes sense considering it's almost a 50/50 chance.

it was scary to find that out. especially since I've been having heaviness and discomfort in my chest.

i feel like I've been sort of repressing my emotions towards it since I found out. I think it's because I'm afraid and my natural instinct is to kind of shrug it off. I fear if I let myself feel it fully that I'll panic and be consumed with dread.

i guess thats all I can really say right now to express the fear part of it.

im also hopeful. I'm making sure I exercise consistently, I'm taking my pills to lower it, and I'm changing my diet. there's an urgency to it now, me minding what I eat, so it's easier to eat healthy.

this is coincidentally a bad time to be going off my anxiety meds but it'll be healthier for me if I do it anyway. I just gotta hang in there.

i fully believe I can heal just through love, it helps to focus on my bf

[dripping-black-goo]

I started feeling myself after I had the L theanine. the transition was pretty quick. I also kind of pushed myself past a certain barrier. I asked my bf if we could spend time together and he agreed. it felt nice to ask rather than just keep it to myself and stew in that negativity.

my bf does seem off in general. I think he's going through a lot right now. I'm not going to be pushy. it's important that I'm patient with him and give him the space he needs. I can't take it personally.

i know it's most likely me going off my meds that's making me think thoughts I don't usually have anyway. like I'm not wanted etc. I have to just remind myself that it's not real when I have thoughts like that. he's not obligated to be with me and he's still with me so thats proof enough that he loves me. everybody needs space every now and again. sometimes even from one person. could be because he's not in the mood to be online, or on electronics, there's a lot of reasons he might need space from me but not sibling.

anyway I feel better now. I watched simpsons, ate, had my vitamins. I just gotta hang in there.

[dripping-black-goo]

i had a couple good days prior to this, where I was feeling really motivated and had a good happy energy. I was enjoying working on animating Megamind's 3D model. idk why the shift happened. I'm annoyed that it did. I just want to be happy. or at least know why the shifts happen so I can try to prevent them. I just have to assume it's medication withdrawals.

im hoping this isnt just my natural state. I remember having mood swings before I went back on meds. it is a mood stabilizer.

it sucks that the meds help with those things, but make other things worse. I wish I could have the positives without the negatives. I want to have energy and feel motivated, but I don't want to have anxiety and feel unstable.

[dripping-black-goo]

i definitely have more anxiety on the lower dose. im having stress right now, my chest feels tight. I had some L-theanine drops, we'll see if they help.

the L-theanine drops I have now I remember to not be as effective as the other ones I've gotten. I might invest in the other ones again.

i feel like i want to cry. I have a really hard time crying, like even when I want to or need to and try to, it doesn't happen. I feel like it would help to relieve stress if I was able to.

i feel depressed. I feel like something is missing. I feel this sort of emptiness, this sort of void. it's interesting, and inconvenient, how a shift in mood can make your entire life and existence feel different.

my bf and I are on opposite sleep schedules and I think that might be contributing to how i feel. we haven't spent a lot of time together. he had so many days off and we didn't even really get to spend them together. he doesn't seem to even really want to. he feels more distant than usual.

he has every right to take space but I know he's specifically taking space from me, because he's spending time with his sibling. I wonder if I made him feel a certain way that he didn't like and hes subconsciously distancing because of that. im not sure.

[dripping-black-goo]

Yesterday I started off as feeling okay. I exercised on the treadmill while watching The Simpsons. Then I went for a walk outside. I walked the streets in the snow.

When I got back, I had this sort of mood swing. I came into the house catching my breath. And then my mom was asking me how much I would charge to do someone's cat litter. And I said "around $10 if it's just the litter?" My mom said that sounds like a good price. And then my dad started yelling at her, saying "$10?? really?? I wouldn't even leave me house for that! I'm serious! what, you're gonna make $5 to go drive to somebody's house? it's $5 just for the gas to get there! I sure as hell wouldn't do it!"

i said to my dad "jeez you don't have to yell" which he didn't respond to

that all stressed me out. 1, because my mom wanted to post on Facebook about me working for people, helping them with their pets. she took it upon herself to write this whole thing up. like I just got home and she was asking me what I'd charge and I didn't even know what she was doing. I ended up telling her "just let me write something for you to post because I know what Id offer and I know what id charge" and she said "I want it to say what I want it to say, it's my page and you're my son" and I was like ???

and my dad responding so aggressively and loudly over it. I had just gotten back inside and it was just a lot, really fast. I didn't even have time to recover from the long walk. it was a lot for me to handle and it put me in a sour mood right away.

it affected me in a weird way, like I wasn't just upset, my whole body and mind changed and I felt unstable. I was so upset and I didn't know what to do about how I was feeling. I felt out of control and out-of-it. I don't know if i got overloaded with adrenaline or something? since I just got back from the walk? it felt really uncomfortable though.

some things that mightve caused it:

i had 2 cups of cacao rather than just 1

i exercised too much. I went on the treadmill and went for a walk.

im going down on my meds. mood swings are a withdrawal symptom

my parents were simply triggering

maybe ALL of these things caused it.

i ended up eating a lot of sugar, I was hoping it would make me feel myself again, hoping I was just having some kind of reaction to eating healthier and lowering my sugars. it didn't really help. I ate it then fell asleep. the nap helped a little.

when I went to go back to sleep again come nightfall, I was having anxiety and feeling stressed. the house was so noisy and chaotic. I was feeling sensitive to sound and really not wanting to be bothered. it can really be a lot living in this small apartment as 5 people. I hardly get any privacy. I'm glad I have a door that locks at least but it doesn't drown out sound, it doesn't drown out presences. and my room is right next to the living room/dining room/kitchen, where people are all the time.

i ended up putting on the fan and listening to binaural beats to drown everyone out. it did manage to soothe me.

im thinking, too, that the past few days, both my parents have been home like nonstop. my dad hurt his toe and couldn't work for a few days, it snowed so my mom couldn't work her driving job, and it was the weekend. just no privacy. no quiet. no "just me". I need it to be just me sometimes.

i haven't been able to drive either because my jeeps tailpipe fell off and it can be risky to drive like that. the exhaust fumes aren't sent to the back end of the vehicle, like they would be with the tailpipe, and you can get asphyxiated. my parents say to just roll down a window so it doesnt stay in the car but I don't want to risk it. I don't want to inhale any at all. my body is sensitive to things.

[dripping-black-goo]

my dad got mad at the roommate. I don't know what happened but he came and put my roommate in a choke hold. my roommate almost passed out. his face turned all red and his eyes glazed over and he couldn't talk or hardly move. I thought "this was me". i intervened. I said "are you serious? cut the shit! he's going to pass out, you guys are fucking stupid!" I tapped my dad's arms to get him to stop and finally he did. I said "you guys" but I meant my dad, I was just too afraid to single him out. I pushed Kyle away once my dad let him go because I wanted him to get away.

my dad said "mess around, find out" to the roommate, or whatever the equivalent of that saying is. basically "if you mess with me, I'm going to mess with you, and I'm going to win."

i don't know what happened. but after about 10 minutes my dad came to the roommate and apologized. saying "sorry, I know you were just joking, I took it too far". so it wasn't deserved, whatever happened. although that's obvious.

i got triggered instantly, I felt my adrenaline spike when I intervened. I rarely get to the point where I feel like I'm going to explode but I was on the verge.

i think I'm dissociating, it's hard to tell. I felt like I was when I was "on the verge". and I know I got really quiet afterwards. I get to feeling like a rock, stiff and silent, angry and unreachable. when I tried to speak, my voice was deeper, like it was being constricted. I tried to fake feeling fine because I hate for anyone to know when they've affected me. I feel like it let's them see I am vulnerable and I don't want to feel vulnerable around someone I don't trust and who feels threatening.

its hard for me to tell if I'm still dissociating because I was already kind of out of it before that even happened. due to lowering my meds.

i know I definitely was feeling happier before it happened even if I was out of it. I remember being chatty and playful and excitable. that feels like someone else now. yeah I do think I am dissociating.

im starting to crave wanting to be babied by my boyfriend, hug my stuffies and get cuddly in bed. my boyfriend is asleep but he's always with me, he surrounds me, he's within me.

I'm running out of the will to talk about this anymore, focusing on it feels almost a monumental task now, but I want to say before I post that I had a pretty good day prior. the lower dose gives me a lot more energy and motivation. I don't feel like I have to take naps anymore. I have the determination to work on commissions and do art for myself and do so many of the things I'd lost the motivation to do.

the higher dose reduced my anxiety by a fraction but I don't think it's worth it. I don't want to not want to do anything and to feel tired all the time.

i do have more anxiety about things and am more sensitive to vibes in the house. makes me uneasy when people feel off. I was feeling anxious about my dad this morning, I think I can kind of sense when he's going to do something before he does it.

[dripping-black-goo]

started feeling off so I took my meds again.

I'm thinking now that it's obvious I've been feeling weird. I'm going off an ssri. like duh. of course I'm going to feel disoriented. it's most likely that.

like these are the symptoms:

i went from 20mg to 10mg pretty fast and also started doing every other day. I'm going way too quick.

i have to let my body get used to being on 10mg again before I start doing every other day. it's only been about a week. cutting the dose in half is already a big deal. I have to be more gradual about stuff.

im going to take the 10mg consistently for a while.

[dripping-black-goo]

I felt less disoriented today.

I ended up having my cacao anyway. It didn't really change much. I mean, it maybe made my heart race a bit, but it didn't give me that disoriented feeling.

What I did differently is:

1. I took my anxiety meds last night.

2. I didn't have my melatonin/L-theanine gummies.

3. I didn't have the gut-concoction.

About the "gut concoction" -- it's a 3-herb remedy that you drink to heal your gut. And, my dad today said that it can cause acidosis and that people who have high levels shouldn't take it often. I've been drinking it pretty consistently, and that's also something that I had yesterday before I drank my cacao and exercised. I'm wondering if acid levels in my body got too high and that's why I felt so off. I'm going to stop drinking it for a bit.

I've never had levels so high that it was concerning, but I have had higher than average levels of something that is often linked to acidosis. So I should probably be careful.

[dripping-black-goo]

I want to list the differences I feel going off/lowering my dose of meds vs being on them/on the higher dose. I'm going to keep adding to this by editing as I notice things.

Off/Lowering:

I have more energy. So far I realize that I have a lot more energy. Which is nice. The meds completely obliterated my energy levels. It was hard for me to do much of anything. I was tired constantly.

I don't have that tightness or pressure in my chest. Which is relieving. It was very unpleasant and concerning.

I feel more. I don't feel so numbed out and tired. I'm able to experience more excitement and love for things again. I honestly didn't entirely realize that was being stunted until I started feeling it again.

More anxiety. Unstable mood.

On/Higher:

I took my meds today as an "on" day, and I realized after taking them I got moody and impatient. I think because it makes me drowsy that I'm more irritable. Certain things I think might be easier for me to deal with if I have the energy to deal with it.

contradicts, but before taking my meds I have having stress and anxiety and after taking it I calmed down a lot and feel more relaxed. so i got the opposite of moody and impatient. just got calmer.

[dripping-black-goo]

after taking my meds I started feeling that tightness and pressure in my chest again. and I'm still super disoriented. I took my vitamins, had some sweets and red meat, still disoriented. I'm just totally out of it. my vagus nerve might be wonking out.

I was totally fine when I woke up which is the weird part. I started feeling off once I drank my cacao and exercised.

im not gonna have my cacao tomorrow, I want to see if that helps at all.

[dripping-black-goo]

I want to make a post about how I feel going off/lowering my dose of my anxiety meds.

I have more energy. So far I realize that I have a lot more energy. Which is nice. The meds completely obliterated my energy levels. It was hard for me to do much of anything. I was tired constantly.

I don't have that tightness or pressure in my chest. Which is relieving. It was very unpleasant and concerning.

I feel more. I don't feel so numbed out and tired. I'm able to experience more excitement and love for things again. I honestly didn't entirely realize that was being stunted until I started feeling it again.

That's all that I'm able to notice, so far. There may be other things happening that I just don't notice consciously. It's possible that I feel more anxiety, but I'm not positive. I definitely feel more in general.

I'm a little worried of having more issues with dissociation and mood swings. I did notice that on the meds I had less dissociation (though did still occasionally experience it) and less moodiness. Beforehand, I could be pretty cruel and bitey and was very sensitive to perceived hurts. So I'm hoping that won't come back, but we will see.

I'm still not sure yet if I'm going to go on a different med or if I'm going to just try holistic things. I guess it depends on how I feel, and what my psychiatrist says.

I was scheduled to meet with my psychiatrist on Dec 30th but she stood me up. She's so unprofessional. She has a habit of being late, she's received phone calls during our appointment, she reduces our appointment time from 30 mins to 2 mins but gets paid for 30. she's prescribed me medications that have negative interactions when taken with other meds she prescribed me with. I know more than she does just by looking at Google. I definitely don't trust her, but she is able to prescribe me medication, which obviously I can't do, so that's pretty much what I'm using her for. I just have to know whats going on beforehand because I can't rely on her to have the information I need.

[dripping-black-goo]

i want to update on my dad thing with the cat and the drinking that happened recently

i ended up texting my mom because she asked me if i was okay. i told her how i felt about the dad thing. with him and the cat and the drining and bad memories. i went to sleep soon after

when i woke up, still felt really off but i wanted to push past it. i wanted things to feel better. i didnt want to feel so scared that i didnt even want to leave my room. so i built up my courage and i left my room and i just tried to act normal. and then my dad was being super nice to me. i realized quickly that my mom told him about what i texted to her. and he said he would never drink the way he did before. he said he will never drink excessively or drink hard liqur again. just one glass of red wine occassionally. so that relieved me

my mom also said that he didnt actually mke contact with the cat. im not sure i believe it but id rather believe it. and i dont have proof that he did anyway. so its one of those things where i can choose to believe ir or not. im choosing to believe it

i ended up feeling better after that

[dripping-black-goo]

I had some sweets, sweets that are on the healthier side but ya know still sweets so. I am still pretty out of it. Im having really bad memory issues right now. im not surprised since i feel so disoritented. its hard to even focus at all never mind remember things. i feel like im in a dream

i ended up taking my meds too. ill have some red meat later. i took vit d too. ill take vit e later

[dripping-black-goo]

I forgot I even made this account. I almost wasn't able to log in because I forgot the email and password I used. I was obviously dissociating pretty bad.

Coincidentally, I feel pretty out of it right now. Mentally, I'm okay, it's more of a physical thing.

I woke up, had my cacao, exercised. Towards the end of my exercise I suddenly started having vision problems and was feeling disoriented and weird.

I'm not dizzy, but I'm disoriented. I feel like there's a strain on my eyes. I'm very sensitive to light and sound at the moment.

I might have a silent migraine. That's basically when you have migraine symptoms but without the throbbing, shooting pain.

A number of things could have caused it.

My neck was a bit sore yesterday. It's possible while I was exercising that it put my neck out a bit more. The thing is, I'm not having neck pain now. Maybe my neck isn't "out" so much as something is just pressing on a nerve. Maybe tight muscles.

The cacao. It's not high in caffeine, it's less than a cup of coffee, but I am sensitive to caffeine in general. It's possible that I got it from the caffeine. Could be high blood pressure, high cholesterol, I'm not sure. Cacao is actually supposed to help lower your cholesterol so I want to rule that out.

I'm in the process of changing my diet. I've been eating a lot of sugar and fatty foods. It's possible that I'm having withdrawal symptoms.

I am currently going off my anxiety meds. I went from 20mg to 10mg. And lately have been taking 10mg every other day. I didn't take it last night, it's possible that I'm lowering the dose too quickly.

Actually, I do, at this point, have a slight ache between my brows. I wouldn't call it a headache, it doesn't feel like a headache. My head isn't throbbing. The ache is in a very specific location, between my brows, and I think it might have more to do with my eyes than my head. I do have vision problems, and need to wear glasses. My vision could be the cause.

Or it could be a combination of things. I should probably give myself a bit more sugar today and have some red meat. Not a lot, just enough so that my body doesn't think I'm holding out.

So I guess what I learned from this post is that I should be more gradual about changes I make. I'm going to take my meds and have a little bit of the foods I'm working on reducing.

[dripping-black-goo]

started feeling better after talking to BF, the switch just suddenly happened and i felt back to myself. we chatted a little, he listened to me, and then he showed me a fun song and I snapped out of it. I'm very grateful for him

[dripping-black-goo]

my solution is to get out of this house. I live with my triggers. I live with the people that gave me (at least some of) my ptsd. it's really hard to heal and recover when you live with your triggers.

im mad, my anxiety is so bad that I can't handle working. I specifically have major social anxiety. I've tried working and it never lasts, I end up quitting after having a break down. the stress of working for people and around people makes me sick.

even working for people at home and online is too much. I don't want to be around people. I don't want people to rely on me for anything. I can't handle other people's expectations. they always have expectations I can't meet and then get mad at me for not being able to meet them. it's not fair

I didn't have this kind of anxiety when I was little. I was happy and out going. people didn't scare me. I wonder how much of it is Autism and how much of it is PTSD.

need to get out of this house because it gives me anxiety but too afraid to work because I have severe anxiety. catch 22.