#The Hunger Games Podcast | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sameschmidtdiffname · 6 months ago

Note

MORE EPISODES OF MORNING WOOD (affectionate and also no pressure)!!!!

[The chorus to Chappell Roan's old classic 'HOT TO GO!' Plays over the title card of a green neon sign,

Morning Wood!

Hosted by Johanna Mason & Peeta Mellark

[[This is a crack fic based off of my Chaotic Hunger Games Headcanons that I've created in collaboration with @waywardangel-wilds and @triassictriserratops. This is not meant to be taken seriously or stick closely to canon. Keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times, and please enjoy the show.]]

In the background you can clearly see Johanna forcing a cheap, foam parrot with bright feathers falling off of it the more Johanna fiddles with the item, trying to attach it to Peeta's prosthetic leg that sits on top of the wooden desk that they sit behind meant to look similar to the news anchors on Capitol News Nightly. Johanna and Peeta are both wearing heart shaped sunglasses and obnoxious fur coats despite it being July. Both items are in their respective favorite colors, orange for Peeta, and the most obnoxious pink for Johanna. No one knows if she prefers this color or if Peeta just detests it so much she enjoys annoying him with it.]

Peeta: (Amused with Johanna's efforts, hands in his lap in a pompous manner.) Having fun, Jojo?

Johanna: (Clearly irritated, the cursing under her breath becoming more audible as the intro music begins to fade away.) It's this fucking material, the plastic is too smooth. (She gives up, throwing the cheap parrot at Peeta and smacking her hand against the table to rid herself of the bright feathers that stick to her skin. After a few beats she gives up, accepting them as a new part of her look while turning to face the camera.) Good morning, New Panem, and welcome to another episode of your favorite show hosted by the hottest prostitutes you know, 'Morning Wood!'

[Peeta blinks quickly as he processes Johanna's words, opening his mouth to respond but being cut off before he can.]

Johanna: I'm your host, Johanna "Don't Call Me Jojo or I'll Kill Your Fucking Children" Mason. (Turning her swivel chair towards Peeta, addressing him directly while keeping her mouth close to the mic.) I'm serious. I've done it before, I know how to murder people.

Peeta: (Looking at her blankly as though she's slow.) Yes, Johanna. I know.

Johanna: Yeah.

Peeta: That was how we met.

Johanna: I just wanted to make sure you knew that you were in a room with someone that has a body count.

Peeta: We- (He sighs shortly.) We both have a body count.

Johanna: Who the fuck is We?

Peeta: We literally-

Johanna: Who the fuck did you kill?

Peeta: I-

Johanna: Two grown ass men who'd lived their lives?

Peeta: (Unsure.) Pr- probably? I don't- do you-

Johanna: Literally doesn't count.

Peeta: (Visibly irritated.) How-

Johanna: Anyways. Now that we've discussed Peeta was somehow in the Hunger Games and so undesirable that literally no one wanted to get killed by him. (Johanna leans into the mic.) Couldn't be me.

[Peeta throws his hands up into the air as though to say he gives up, then glances at the camera, glaring over his rhinestoned glasses while pressing his lips into a thin line. He is obviously unamused.]

Peeta: (Looking behind the camera to shift his glare despite no one being there.) I'm not a prostitute, by the way.

Johanna: (Turning towards him.) That ugly?

Peeta: (Turning his chair back to hers again.) Ugly enough to be put into a political marriage while your ass was working the corner in that cheap ass coat.

[Johanna's jaw drops, her glare hard as she tries to think of a response. Peeta smirks smugly, turning back to the camera and lifting his glasses to rest on top of his head while he speaks, unfazed.]

Peeta: It's Tuesday, July 2nd today, meaning that Thursday will be July 4th. Tell me, Johanna, can prostitutes do the math to tell me what that day means?

[Peeta glances at Johanna, who is still stunned by his previous statement. Peeta doesn't offer her a chance to respond, quickly looking back to the camera to continue speaking.]

Peeta: Didn't think so. July 4th used to be Reaping Day, a day known to many people including Johanna and I as what used to mean worrying for ourselves, our loved ones and our community.

[The tone has turned slightly serious. Photos from before the Revolution of children from ages 12-18 crowded in front of their Districts Justice Hall fade in and out on the screen, Peeta nor Johanna speaking for a moment as they themselves watch and remember.]

Johanna: (Starting to gather her bearings.) Unless you're Peeta. Then it was a fucking speed dating event.

[The photo montage ends, revealing Johanna smirking at Peeta, who once again looks slightly unamused.]

Peeta: Yeah, well. Who's strategy got who into sex trafficking?

Johanna: Who's strategy had who crying like a little bitch in front of Panem because they couldn't handle stabbing a couple kids?

Peeta: (Furrowing his brows in confusion.) Yours.

[A new image is displayed on the screen, a semi-blurry screenshot from the news footage of 16 year old Peeta Mellark visibly crying as he is escorted to the train station after his first reaping. A crying baby sound effect plays over the image, muffling Peeta's vocal protest in the background. The image fades away, showing Peeta now looking at Johanna with one hand raised in self defense.]

Peeta: I was sixteen, I thought I was gonna die!

Johanna: And yet, you were ugly.

Peeta: That... whatever, you're distracting me. (Turning back to the camera.) Go away.

[Johanna smirks to the camera, chuckling as she shrugs like she knows she's won. She has.]

Peeta: Reaping Day. Jesus. Got me off track, someone fire her.

Johanna: Speaking of firing, someone needs to do it to this genius who thought it was an awesome idea to turn the Mockingjay's memoir, published only last Memorial Day,- (She turns to Peeta for a moment, stage whispering into the mic.) That's what it's called now.

Peeta: (Stage whispering into his mic as well.) I know.

Johanna: (Turning back to the camera and speaking at normal volume.) -Into a-

Peeta: (Still whispering.) I was there when they named it.

Johanna: (Not acknowledging him.) Into a-

Peeta: You'd know this if you'd fucking show up to something.

Johanna: (Stiffling a laugh, trying to look irritated.) I was busy that day.

Peeta: Being a loser.

Johanna: (Starting to crack.) I was fucking your wife.

Peeta: My wife was with me, Jojo. (They're both starting to laugh now.) Pick another struggle.

Johanna: I was...

Peeta: Uh huh?

[They both laugh loudly, Johanna obviously a bit embarrassed.]

Johanna: I was... hungover.

Peeta: (Surprised.) You were hungover?

[Johanna looks at him meekly, hiding her smile behind her hand as she nods. Peeta looks at the camera, jaw dropped.]

Peeta: You missed a government official announcement because you were seriously hungover?

Johanna: Listen! Listen, I never said I was perfect.

[Peeta nods as if to say 'no shit.' Johanna laughs again, pushing his leg off of the desk, accidently kicking her mic off and cursing loudly as she bends over to grab it, Peeta laughing at her struggle.]

Peeta: (Looking at the camera and gesturing at Johanna, making no effort to help her.) New Panems favorite podcaster, everyone.

[Johanna flips him off, then ignores his returned bird as she sits back up, still cursing as she reconnects the wire to her mic.]

Johanna: Fuck off, brainless. I'll still kill you.

Peeta: (Still laughing.) You said the same to Enobaria and look what happened- she was at the announcement.

Johanna: (Ignoring him.) Anyways. Some genius looked at Katniss Everdeen's memoir series and decided it was the perfect material to turn into a fucking opera.

Peeta: (Regaining his composure, scoffing.) Is that even legal without the copywrite?

Johanna: Well, it's technically not based on the books and is a (Air quotes.) "re-telling of historical events," so despite it being eerily similar to your wife's novels, yeah. He's in the clear.

[Peeta shakes his head, rolling his eyes.]

Peeta: You know, these people are the same ones who wonder why we don't even share our kids names publicly. If we did, there would be cocktails named after our kids or some bullshit like that.

Johanna: Some bar, or something.

Peeta: Yeah, or an amusement park. (Peeta begins to give an example, then cuts himself off as he realizes that would reveal his daughters name.) Anyways. You're lucky we let you know what they look like.

Johanna: And that's just description. You guys have never published a photo of your children or allowed someone else to publish a photo of your kids.

Peeta: Fuck no, people are crazy. You as a primary example.

[Johanna shoots him a grateful look, mouthing 'thank you' before making a heart shape with her fingers. Peeta returns the gesture.]

Johanna: But speaking of crazy people, I have an inside source who was given an early access, exclusive ticket to last night's closed dress rehearsal, and they stayed up all night writing a very thorough review on their thoughts and what takes place within the show.

Peeta: Johanna, that inside source was you. And the only thing that note says is 'BAD' in capital, red, comic sans font.

[Johanna sets the note down, glaring at Peeta. Beat.]

Johanna: You ruined my bit.

Peeta: All of the surviving Victor's were invited to the show last night. You're just the only one who went.

Johanna: (Rolling her eyes.) Whatever. (She crumples her paper, throwing it over her shoulder before resuming the story.) So, I went to the Capitol theatre last night to watch the show, and- oh, first off, if the background looks off, we're literally in a Capital hotel room right now.

[Johanna pushes at the green screen, trying to reveal the mahogany wall of the hotel behind it and failing. Peeta watches with a blank stare.]

Peeta: Wow. Impressive. But yeah, no. Jo asked for a podcast room to film this today and the hotel was very gracious to accommodate us, they even had a desk similar to Jo's. So, thank you to The Capitol Jewel for being so wonderful.

Johanna: (Giving up, letting the crumpled greenscreen remain disheveled while she sits back in her chair, rolling her eyes at Peeta.) You sound like you're giving a Tribute Interview with Flickerman right now.

Peeta: (Laughs.) Do I? (He shrugs, smiling.)

Johanna: Anyways, yeah. No one else wanted to go to the show, but I wanted to see how bad they fucked up our characters in this and everyone else wanted a fucking holiday, so here we go.

Peeta: Except for Haymitch.

Johanna: Oh, yeah. Except for Haymitch, he's at home fucking his wife.

Peeta: (Waving his finger in correction.) Not wife. They are very insistent that they aren't even dating, let alone married.

Johanna: Oh, whatever. That sounds like you and brainless before you got mushy brained by Tracker Jackers in the war.

Peeta: (Laughing.) That's because it is me and Katniss before I got mushy brained during the war. (Addressing the camera.) She and Annie are out right now having a girl's day at some local spa. So no live Katniss messages during th-

[Peeta cuts himself off as his brows furrow. He reaches into his pocket to retrieve his phone, checking to see what his notification was.]

Johanna: Yeah, that's your wife telling you to shut the fuck up before you say where they're at for some mob to harass them.

[Peeta quietly nods, his face slowly turning red as he puts his phone back into his pocket, avoiding eye contact for a brief moment as Johanna laughs.]

Johanna: Anyways, they actually did name your kids during the show last night. They were, of course, in the finale.

Peeta: (Raising a brow.) Oh?

Johanna: I want you to just take a wild guess what their names are.

[Peeta narrows his eyes at Johanna for a second, clearly unsure of where this is going.]

Peeta: It isn't their actual names, is it?

Johanna: No. No, God no. I would've told you privately if it was so you could sue the shit out of them. No, they guessed.

[Peeta pauses for a second, contemplating.]

Peeta: Probably... hmm. (He seems unsatisfied with his own guesses.)

Johanna: Take your time.

Peeta: See, the problem is this is the Capitol. So, it could range from something really stupid to something oddly sentimental.

Johanna: (Nodding.) Yeah.

[There's another long pause.]

Johanna: Should I do today's sponser while you contemplate your options?

[Peeta hesitates, scratching his beard as he thinks, then sighs and nods, waving his hand to give Johanna the go-ahead.]

Johanna: Alright! Well, while brainless here tries to use what little thought he has left here, let's hear a word from today's sponser.

[Johanna reaches under the table, grabbing and then placing a giant, cloaked object on top of the desk. Peeta raises his brows in surprise, then laughs loudly as Johanna tears away the cloth covered box to reveal nothing.]

Johanna: The Capitol Jewel!

Peeta: (Surprised.) No kidding?

Johanna: They nearly shit themselves when they found out four Victor's and their kids booked their vacation here, you're seriously surprised?

[Peeta shrugs to himself, nodding and allowing Johanna to continue. She doesn't. Instead, she stares silently at the camera, prompting Peeta to raise his brows in curiosity.]

Peeta: You good?

Johanna: (Breaking eye contact to look at Peeta casually.) Yeah.

Peeta: You don't have anything else to say about the sponsor?

Johanna: No.

[There's another moment of silence as the two stare at each other, unblinking, before Peeta shrugs and brightly says 'Okay' before turning back to the camera. He then pauses, realizing his next statement is meant to be directed at Johanna instead.]

Johanna: (Clapping her hands together.) Okay! So. Guesses.

Peeta: Give me a range.

Johanna: Of crazy?

Peeta: Yeah.

Johanna: (Laughing.) That's cheating.

Peeta: No it isn't! Not unless it's something insane like- like fucking-

[Johanna watches Peeta, her brows raised and lips split in entertained anticipation. Peeta raises his own brows, then furrows them. His expression turns somewhat serious, as though he doesn't want to speak the next part.]

Peeta: Johanna?

Johanna: (Barely holding back her laughter, her cheeks turning bright red. Her voice cracks as she speaks.) Yeah?

Peeta: What the fuck did they name my children?

[Johanna places her hand over her mouth, stifling her laughter that involuntarily escapes. Peeta watches her through narrowed eyes, his expression reading as unsure if he himself is entertained by this or not.]

Johanna: (Finally composing herself, taking short breaths in to calm her laughter.) Okay, okay. So. (She swallows.) So, one of their names is fine. Kinda cute, kinda sweet.

Peeta: (Nodding.) Okay.

Johanna: They named your daughter Rosalie Prim Rue.

[Peeta processes this with obvious facial expressions, at first thinking it sweet, then furrowing his brows at the odd mash up of names.]

Johanna: (Raising her hands slightly as if in defense.) I said 'kinda.'

Peeta: (Nodding, still mulling over the name.) You did say kind of. (He pauses for another moment, staring at the table as he finishes his thoughts.) It's not bad. We wouldn't have had an emphasis on rose. But it's not bad. Decent guess.

Johanna: No, it's not bad. It's obviously a sweet tribute.

Peeta: Right.

[It's obvious as they murmur their repeated agreements that there's more they'd like to say, but for the sake of privacy decide against it.]

Peeta: Okay. So, my son's name?

[Johanna stares blankly at him for a moment, then snickers. Then snickers again. Peeta stares at her, suppressing his own smile.]

Peeta: It's Gale.

[Johanna shakes her head, her laughter becoming more pronounced. Peeta raises his brows.]

Peeta: Haymitch?

[Johanna shakes her head again, once more covering her mouth to suppress her laughter, shutting her eyes tight to avoid looking at Peeta, who has a confused expression on his face, his brows knit together and mouth slightly agape as he thinks.]

Peeta: (Stuttering as he tries to guess.) Fuckin'- I don't know. (Beat.) Coin?

[Johanna's eyes pop open, her hand flying up to point at him. Peeta's eyes widen.]

Peeta: No fucking way!

Johanna: (Quickly composing herself again.) Close. Coriolanus.

[The two Victor's stare at each other, Johanna smiling widely, Peeta bewildered, fighting his own smile. His phone buzzes, once, than twice. He doesn't check it.]

Johanna: You're ignoring your wife.

Peeta: (Still obviously shocked.) We need to get my wife on here. She'd have a much funnier reaction.

[Johanna brightens at this, ready to jump on the opportunity. She opens her mouth to speak, only for Peeta to wave his hand, shaking his head as he repeatedly says 'no.']

Peeta: I don't want to interrupt her day with bullshit, she needs rest.

Johanna: Oh, come on!

Peeta: (Trying to get back on subject.) What shitty author decides I would- she would- we would name our child after that vipor, cock sucker?

Johanna: (Giggling.) They said it was because you guys-

[She cuts herself off with another giggle. Peeta raises his brows at her, silently insisting she go on.]

Johanna: (Calming.) They said it was because you guys wanted to (pitching her voice to sound sympathetic.) 'Give the man who had no true love given to him another chance.'

[Peeta groans loudly, cursing. He looks around the room as if he cannot believe the bullshit he's hearing, raising his arms as if to say 'what the fuck?']

Peeta: Have they considered it's because he murdered people?

[Johanna laughs. Peeta looks at her.]

Peeta: No, seriously! He killed an insane amount of people, and you want him to have a redemption arc?!

Johanna: They also-

[She is cut off by Peeta, who's phone is still buzzing.]

Peeta: (Dropping his voice and adopting a Capitol accent.) "Life is so unfair. I recieve no bitches. I kill." (He looks at the camera, appalled.) You know what I did when I didn't get bitches?

Johanna: (Amused, watching him.) Porn.

Peeta: (Staring down the camera, slamming his hands on the table before pointing down the barrel.) Porn.

[Johanna laughs loudly, throwing her head back and turning her chair so she faces away from the camera. Peeta still stares at the camera, his expression shifting from dead serious to realization, his face quickly turning red as he's just realized what he's admitted in his passion, his lips which are pressed together twitching at the corners, laughter bubbling in his chest as tears begin to form in his eyes from suppressed laughter. Johanna's laughter increases as Peeta's phone begins to ring, clear bluegrass cutting through the silence and laughter, making her shriek.]

Peeta: (Not looking away from the camera.) If you'll excuse me, I have to answer my wife.

[He does, Johanna laughing to the point of tears, her chair spinning the full way round to allow her to rest her upper body on the table, her palms slapping the surface. On the phone, two women can be heard laughing on the other side, one of them asking 'what the fuck he was thinking' as Peeta rises from his chair, his fur coat swishing with each heavy footstep. The door to the room opens and shuts, leaving Johanna alone to sit and weep at her friends predicament. Breathing is obviously difficult for her, and not a priority. She raises her head, revealing tear tracks from her mascara as her hand searches for her mic, instead grabbing Peeta's and dragging it close enough to her mouth the audio is affected.)

Johanna: (Through broken laughter, wheezing, sniffing back tears.) We're gonna take a quick intermission, everyone. Tune back in in an hour or so.

[A thud can be heard in the other room, drawing Johanna's flickering attention.]

Johanna: Two hours.

['HOT TO GO!' Begins playing again, slowly drowning out Johanna's insane laughter as someone can be heard entering the studio, though the music is too loud to decipher whether it's male or female, let alone who it is. The person entering has made Johanna's laughter worse, her face now buried in her hands as the livestream fades to an end, cutting the day's episode short.]

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