#The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

[captain-fflewddurfflam]

Percy, laughing maniacally as he shakes off his fear of the dragon when he sees his grenade go off:

"I built a thing! And it blew up! Kind of on purpose!"

What a fool. I love him.

[chernobog13]

WHEN FAIL THE WEAPONS OF MAN...

From the Book of Armaments, Chapter 2, verses 9–21:

"And Saint Attilla raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O LORD, bless this Thy hand grenade, that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.' And the LORD did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu... "

Skip a bit, brother.

"... And the LORD spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'

King Arthur: One, two, five!

Sir Galahad: Three, sir!

King Arthur: Three!

And thus endeth the rampage of the dread Rabbit of Caerbannog, the killer Easter Bunny.

[visionautiks]

The Black Beast of Aaaaargghh

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL 1975 | dirs. Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones

[friendlycursedspaceotter]

may i take the time to post this glorious screenshot from my coding project?

alt text for you people who can't see the image/it's not too clear:

"Thou shalt not forget thy semicolons or thy brackets or thy parenthesis or thy breakfast cereals..."

"Skip ahead a bit, brother."

"This is the movement code of Antioch. Three times must you check it, no more, no less. Two times you must not check unless thou proceeds to three. Four you must not check, for three is the number of the counting. Five is right out. Three is the only number to which you shall count, and after three, you must count no more."

"one, two, FIVE!"

"Three, sir!"

"Three!"

*pixelated rabbit of AAAAAAAAAURGH explodes*

"We did that all for a RABBIT?!?"

"It was a very vicious rabbit."

[fireandfigures]

Weapon Merchant: The Holy Hand Grenade

"Well, at this point, it's a one-of-a-kind relic.

"After all, I can sell you a Zorg invention that does the job just as well, and not so fragile to be transported in a cushioned, velvet-lined box; at pennies on the dollar.

"Instead, you're buying the prestige of a unique work of art."

[reyturnofbensolo]

Saw this☝️and decided to make something😏…

[spockeye-fierce]

[premaritalhug]

I did it. He looks like he plays Magic: The Gathering.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Hey Monty Python fans...T-shirt with instructions for the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

+

From The Book of Armaments 2:9-21

Brother: "And the Lord spake, saying, First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuf it."

Maynard: Amen.

All: Amen.

[floridaboiler]

[thealanwrightblog]

If, like me, you’re a Monty Python ‘Holy Grail’ fan you might appreciate this…

''First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.

Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.”

[farmergilesofham]

*it should be "thou hast", as "hath" is third-person whereas "hast" is second-person. As the phrase itself is in second-person ("thou" = "you"), "hast" is the appropriate word to use. First thou shalt take out the holy pin, then thou shalt count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three--

mind your business withers

[octafladnag]

Exactly the kind of thing I would have in my D&D world.

[artschoolglasses]

Our Flag Means Death fandom getting #YouAbsoluteTwat to trend on Twitter today? I see you. 😂

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

etsy's new IP thingy killed the holy hand grende

aw beans so I guess etsy is finally cracking down on fandom merch

the holy hand grenade of antioch print got ganked by etsy's new copyright IP policy, so I guess those are going off of the shop sadly

there are 10 remaining copies though, so if you wanna claim one of 'em just dm me and we can figure out how to ring your print out under another print's listing

but when all 10 are gone they're gonna be permanently gone from the shop

[jungle-angel]

The One With The Holy Hand Grenade Of Antioch (Rhett Abbott x Reader)

Summary: Something happens at a Friday night rager but Rhett and his frat brothers decide they're not gonna get mad.....they're gonna get even

Warnings: Sexual harassment, grabbing of a boob, frat boy revenge etc.

Tagging: @floydsmuse @attapullman

The Delta Tau Epsilon house was alive with the booming of music, the hollers and shouts of the drunken college students filling every corner of the house and the shenanigans that had followed them there.

The basement was no less than noisy with everybody packed shoulder to shoulder, dancing to the 70s, 80s, 90s and Early 2000s throwback music that boomed from the speakers. Beer and drinks spilled from red solo cups and onto unsuspecting freshman while a few sang along noisily to Sly And The Family Stone's "Thank You" and showing off their best disco moves.

You were behind the bar in the basement helping Cairo make everyone's drinks and enjoying the shenanigans yourself.

"I swear to Jesus, if Kyle ends up emptying the whole keg I'm gonna have to cut him off," Cairo remarked.

"Cai c'mon they're a bunch of drunken frat boys, what else are they gonna do?" you laughed.

"Oh I'll tell ya'll what I'm gonna do," he answered, laughing a little and snapping his fingers. "Imma come up into his room with a garbage can lid and give him the rudest awakening of his life!"

You laughed as you cracked open a Long Drink and filled a red solo cup with it, handing it off to one of the football players.

"Need a refill!" Foster teased, slamming his cup onto the bar.

"Sorry Babes, bar's closed!" Cairo joked.

"It's not even midnight!"

The two of them bickered back and forth as more barflies began to make their way over. You laughed when you had to spray one of the Iota Nu boys with the keg nozzle to shoo him away, the others around you laughing in return.

"Hey pretty thing,"

You turned around thinking it was Rhett but no. To your horror it was Smithfield Green, the leader of the notorious Alpha Beta fraternity. You felt your heart jump into your chest and your throat going dry when you saw him.

"Sorry Smitty, bar's closed," you told him.

"Not by the looks of it around here," he sniffed. "Don't suppose you wanna get outta here and I could show you a really good time?"

"No thanks, I'm all set."

"Oh c'mon you know you wanna....."

You yelped a little when he tried to grab your boob which quickly caught Cairo's attention. "Hey!" he shouted. "The fuck do you think you are?"

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" Smitty retorted.

"I fuckin asked you first."

"Think you're so tough there huh?" Smitty questioned. "You sound like a fuckin girl."

"I might sound like a girl but I could easily have you on the ground and your balls dangling from the bumper of my car," Cairo hissed.

"Oh I'm sure you'd like that wouldn't you?"

"Eat me pervert," Cairo sneered. "And if I ever catch you trying to touch (y/n) ever again, that just might happen."

Smitty laughed and sauntered away with Cairo flipping him off behind his back. "You ok hon?" he asked.

You nodded, still a little shaken by what had happened. "I think I need to go get some air for a minute," you told him.

"Go get some air, I'll finish up here," Cairo assured you, giving you a hug.

He waited until you disappeared before waving and snapping his fingers, motioning for Foster to come over to the bar.

"Yo what's up?" Foster asked him.

"Smitty tried to pull a fast one on the First Lady," Cairo answered.

"Are you fuckin serious?!" Foster exclaimed.

"No, I'm not......chain call, now!"

Foster nodded, slapping his palm on the bar before heading up the basement stairs to find someone to start the chain call. He quickly wrote down what had happened on a sticky note so that word wouldn't change going up, finding Bo and Kyle in the little room off the basement bar room, engaging in a rather intense game of Cards Against Humanity with a few other freshmen.

"Yo we've got a Code Red boys," Foster told them.

"Sup?" Bo asked.

Foster showed him the note and the two were off to find the next person. The message traveled to Ravi Sharma who then handed it off to two of the new pledges and then to Sammy Inoue. Up and up and up the chain it went until Rowdy Collins, the football team's new kicker, raced up the stairs to hand it off to Kayce.

"Kayce!" he announced, pounding on the door.

Kayce opened the door, zipping up his jeans. "Bro what the fuck?"

"We've got a Code Red, go get Rhett."

"What's the Code Red?"

Rowdy showed him the neon green sticky note that had been passed around. Kayce's eyes went wide, his jaw slack with shock. "You fuckin serious?"

"She's outside in the backyard," Rowdy explained.

Kayce hurried off to Rhett's room down the hall and pounded on the door. "Bro you're never gonna believe this," Kayce told him when he opened the door.

"What? Did somebody get beer up their nose again?" Rhett asked him.

"No it's (y/n)," Kayce answered, showing him the note.

Rhett read the message, his eyes going wide. "Where is she?"

"Out back."

Rhett hurried his way through the chaos of the rager with Kayce close behind him. The night air was still just a little bit chilly as he sat down beside you, pulling you close and kissing the side of your head.

"You ok?" he asked.

"I'm fine," you told him. "Just a little shaken that's all."

Rhett kissed the side of your head again, holding you as he kept his lips pressed to that spot. "It'll be ok darlin," he assured you. "Ain't nobody ever gonna do that ever again."

**************************

The clang of the old ship's bell in the kitchen roused everyone in the house from their sleep, the house's residents clambering down the stairs, some still in their shorts, others in their mismatched pjs or a few still in their clothes from the night before. All of them lined right up and stood straight at attention as Rhett strode silently up and down the line.

"Alright boys," he announced. "Last night, it seems there was a little incident regarding the First Lady. Anybody recall what happened?"

Foster was the first to raise his hand. "First Lady was groped by Smitty Green at 10:02 pm in the Delta Tau basement, no injuries or marks but the boob in question was indeed grabbed by said parasite......SIR!"

"And do we let slimy little Alpha Betas like that grope our other halves?" Rhett questioned.

"FUCK NO!!!!" the Deltas thundered.

"Men," he continued, pacing up and down the line. "When ya'll were pledges, ya'll took an oath to protect your lady or your other half with your life. I know every single one o' ya'll would never do that to a lady or to anybody else. But those slimy little tapeworms think they can just crawl on in here and take whatever they want. So what are we gonna do about it boys?!"

"GIVE 'EM HELL!!!!"

"That's what I wanna hear!" Rhett bellowed. "Now lets go get'em!"

The Deltas let out their loudest war yells in response, shaking the house down to the studs as they charged off.

***************************

The street was completely silent outside the Alpha Beta house with not a soul around, save for a sun tanner on the rooftop balcony.

Each of the boys in the Delta Tau fraternity marched across the street to the Alpha Beta house, the hoods on their sweatshirts pulled over their heads and an empty plastic binder in their hands. Their voices had become one as they chanted like monks walking towards holy ground.....or in this case, unholy ground.

“Pie Iesu Domine, dona eis requiem,” they chanted, hitting their foreheads with the binders.

They repeated the little ritual with Rhett and Kayce leading them in the front, the two of them biting their lips as they tried not to laugh. As soon as they had reached the front of the Alpha Beta house, they faced their brothers who had halted on the other side of the street.

"KNEEL MY BROTHERS!!!" Rhett commanded.

All of them knelt and bowed their heads to the ground. Rhett and Kayce removed their hoods first before the others followed suit.

"Brother Kayce," Rhett announced.

"Yes?"

"Bring forth the holy book of the Delta Taus."

Kayce pulled out the book that had been written by all the other Deltas who had come before them. "A reading from the book of Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one," Kayce announced, reading as loudly as he could. ""And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chulapas..."

"THE SHORTENED VERSION DIPSHIT!!!!" Rhett commanded.

"Right, right, gotcha," Kayce snickered. "And the Lord spake, saying, ''First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'"

The brothers all arose and pulled out the huge water balloons from the bags at their sides.

"Gentlemen!" Rhett ordered. "Ready your weapons!"

The Deltas made ready.

"Step to the edge!"

They stepped to the edge of the sidewalk.

"FIRE AT WILL!!!" Rhett ordered.

With a swing of their arms, the Deltas lobbed the entire house with the huge water balloons, startling the Alpha Betas who had come outside to see the commotion, only to be soaked with the freezing cold water, including Smitty himself.

"Whatcha think darlin?" Rhett asked.

You pulled your hood from your eyes and placed a kiss on Rhett's lips. "Best revenge plan ever," you chuckled.

Rhett helped you load a rather large water balloon into the slingshot the boys only really ever used at pool parties, sending it flying right onto Smitty who quickly ran back into the house. So far, this had been yours and Rhett's best plan ever.