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EXCITEMENT
PAIRING ji changmin x f!reader
WORD COUNT 6.22k
GENRES smut ïčangst ïčfluff
WARNINGS 18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT, mature language, best friends to lovers, numerous mentions of the female orgasm, ji changmin is a bit of a manwhore, mentions of alcohol, insane tension my b, intense making out x2, oral (m! and f! receiving), multiple orgasms, couch sex but missionary, unprotected sex (wrap before u fucking tap -_-), creampie, changmin is lowkey very whipped and very pussy drunk in this, also forewarning for every fic in this collabâ there is lots of foreshadowing and references to the other fics since they all fall within the same timeline/universe!
SUMMARY you know, when you told your girl friends that youâd never finished before, you were expecting it to blow over like no big deal. what you werenât expecting was for it to spiral into a whole other mess.
MORE i hope u jichang lovers are strapped in and ready for this⊠kinda went crazy with it đđ um anyway?? first fic of the black out or back out collab?? crazy!! this fic actually ruined me. it used up all my brain power so if every other one sucks u canât blame me!! itâs the law!! also, iâd like to take a moment to wish my boyz a very happy 6th anniversary <3 so so proud of all theyâve accomplished these past 6 years and i canât wait to see what they do in the next 6. in this deobi shit 4L frfr đđ
PERM TAGLIST @winterchimez @maessseongs @itsbeeble @zzoguri @deoboyznet @cloverdaisies @vernyangel
TAGLIST @millksea
âNo fucking way.â
You blink at Soyeon. It wasnât that hard to believe. In fact, it was pretty easy to believe. You set down the bowl of popcorn on your lap and nod slowly.
âUh, yeah. Yes fucking way,â a nervous laugh escapes your lips. âIâve had to fake it with every guy Iâve ever been with. I donât know what it is. Maybe somethingâs wrong with me.â
Men were⊠incompetent at certain things. And apparently your pleasure was one of those. Every dude youâve ever slept with failed to make you finish. It was at the point that you felt that you were the problem. It would be understandable if it had been a couple guys, but every single one? Your luck had to be complete ass.
The only reason the topic had been brought up was because Soyeon had mentioned something about her last fling during your movie night. She was talking about how that had been the best sex she's ever had and it spurred you into making your confession. The last guy youâd been with had probably been the worst.
âNever?â Jiwonâs jaw drops, elbows resting on her knees. âHow are you still alive, girl? How do you get your fix?â
âMy hand, my vibrator, my pillow sometimes,â you shrug, picking at a loose thread on your blanket. âIâve learned to make do with my situation, I guess. If I canât get it elsewhere, Iâll just do it myself, yâknow?â
Your girl friends look at you with pouts on their lips, as if they were the ones experiencing your misfortunes. You hadnât even expected it to be such a big deal. Youâd thought this was a normal, common occurrence. Boys usually sucked at things when it came to girls. But they all took this as a personal hit, like you were a fallen soldier in battle.
Perhaps the female orgasm was far more important than you assumed it to be.
âConsidering who your best friend is, youâd think you were getting good dick left and right,â Dahyun snorts into her glass of wine. âThis is actually kinda insane.â
You guess she had a point, despite you both leading very different lives. Changmin, your best friend, was known as one of the many heartthrobs on campus. He was in a fraternity, played on the schoolâs baseball team, and he even played with other things. Namely the hearts of practically every other girl at your university.
Youâd think it would bother you to be so close to a man who couldnât give less of a fuck about those of the same sex as you. But for some reason, you couldnât find it in you to care. Itâs not like he was bragging about the bitches he bagged on a regular basis. Though you were his best friend, he understood boundaries. He knew what was appropriate to talk about with you and respected that.
Your friends laugh at her observation, but drop the conversation after that, resuming the movie you were watching. However, itâs not that easy for you.
You canât stop wondering if something really *is wrong with you. Why was it that everyone and their mom was capable of finishing and you werenât? It was more unlikely that every single man youâve been with sexually was that mediocre. Were you really that unlucky?
It bothers you so much that you find yourself still thinking about it well into the following week.
With the start of the new semester, came the adjustment of new classes. Even though you were a Communications major, you made the grave mistake of taking Lifespan Growth and Development with Changmin for the extra credit. He was an Early Childhood Education major, so it was a requirement for him, but not for you. (Honestly, he only forced you to take it with him so you had at least one lecture together. He was afraid your friendship might start to fade if you didnât see each other often.)
Imagine how horrified you felt when your professor began to talk about babies and their circadian rhythm, but the only thing in your head was the fact that youâd never orgasmed because of a man. You felt like you were going crazy at this point. Really, the thought shouldâve been long forgotten by now. But you couldnât help yourself from dwelling on it, especially after your friends made jokes at your expense.
As youâre walking out of the lecture hall side by side with Changmin, you keep your focus on the ground, your hearing going in and out. His voice is staticy, your brain only registering words here and there. Youâre a little pissed off that this has become such an issue.
He notices your lack of response and stops walking, eyebrows furrowed. You pause in your tracks along with him. âAre you good? Youâve been spacing out all morning.â
âYeah, Iâm fine,â you shake your head as if that would rid of these stupid thoughts. âIâm just a little tired, I guess. I havenât been getting much sleep.â
âWell, you better fix that. Weâre expecting this weekendâs party to be one of the bigger ones this semester. Juyeonâs passing those fliers around like itâs his job,â Changmin purses his lips with a snort, ruffling your hair. âI need my beer pong partner to be in tip-top shape.â
You scratch the back of your neck. Half of you was kind of hesitant to go to this weekendâs TBZ party considering that was where you met the dude who started this whole downward spiral. He made an offhand comment about seeing you again, but you were actually hoping that would never happen. And with your fortune, the probability of running into him was pretty high.
âYou seeâŠâ You begin, but Changmin interrupts you with a distressed groan before you can continue.
âDonât tell me youâre thinking of flaking,â his arms fall to his sides as his head tips back dramatically. âY/N, I really need you there. How else am I gonna smoke everyone? I needâ I mean we need to keep our title.â
Sometimes you wish Ji Changmin took anything else as seriously as he takes beer pong. You suppose it came with being a fraternity brother or something. They all drank alcohol like it was fucking water. Youâre still sort of surprised none of them (Sunwoo) has gotten alcohol poisoning yet.
âIâm just⊠trying to avoid someone. And theyâll probably be there.â You sigh, fiddling with your fingers. Your best friend gives you an unreadable look that flashes across his face only for a moment.
âTell me who it is. Iâll make sure theyâre not allowed in. Iâd much rather have you there than some rando whoâs bugging you.â He says, shoving his hands into the pockets of his cargo pants.
âThatâs really unneââ
âYo, Changmin! Arenât you going with us to Cobieâs?â
You both turn towards the sudden intrusion, the voice belonging to Eric Sohn. Heâs around 50 feet away from where youâre standing, joined by Kim Sunwoo and Ju Haknyeon. Changmin yells out his answer and spins back to you, an apologetic smile on his face. Somehow, youâre a little grateful for the interruption.
âWeâll finish this later, okay?â He nods at you, heading backwards in their direction. âYouâre going, Y/N.â
You really shouldâve listened to your instincts when they told you to skip out on the party.
Youâre well aware that every attendee was crucial for the TBZ boys and their stupid rivalry with the KAT girls. So maybe you understood why Changmin needed you there so badly, aside from the obvious beer pong thing. However, you were starting to regret showing up.
First of all, Ji Changmin was nowhere to be found. Second of all, Jeon Soyeon was hounding you all night about the secret you so idiotically shared with your gal pals.
She was dead set on finding you a solution. (Basically, she was scanning the crowd of partygoers for a suitable man to satisfy your overdue needs. And she was proving devastatingly unsuccessful.)
You were too anxious to drink, also. Your feet were bouncing from where you sat on the couch, and your fingers couldnât stop fidgeting. The antsiness was getting annoying at this point and you were hoping your knight in shining armor (Ji Changmin) revealed himself soon. Lest he wanted to lose out on his beloved beer pong partner.
It appears that your years of honing in on your manifestation powers have finally come to fruition when you spot Younghoon and Juyeon hauling the beer pong table into the living room. Where one of those tables are stationed, you know youâre guaranteed to find your best friend. The shorter of the two gentle giants cups his hands around his mouth and announces the first round of tonightâs tournament.
You stand from your seat, grabbing the opportunity to break free of Soyeonâs efforts to pimp you out. Youâre ready to confirm you and Changminâs spot in the tournament, when you see that youâve already been beaten to it. It takes absolutely everything in you not to let your jaw drop and your eyes to tear up.
Some girl who happens to be in your Lifespan Growth and Dev class (you think her name is Iseul) is draped over Changminâs arm, signing them up for the first round. He doesnât look like he wants to, but makes no effort to refuse her.
You donât know why it irks you. It shouldnât irk you.
Youâve never cared about who he spends his free time with in the past. Itâs been so easy for you to let his behavior slide, brushing it under the rug like it was no biggie. But this time, you care a whole lot. You chalk it up to the fact that he was seemingly replacing you as his beer pong partner, even though that was the entire reason why he wanted you to come to the party.
Yeah. Thatâs why.
Your tongue darts out to wet your lips just as Hyunjae passes by, no doubtedly heading to the beer pong table. You catch the sleeve of his polo and force him to halt in his steps. Youâre not even sure why the hell heâs wearing a polo in the first place, his outfit embodying the stereotypical frat boy perfectly. This looked nothing like his usual wardrobe.
âOh, hey Y/N, whatâs up?â He smiles that award-winning Hyunjae smile, the one that manages to charm every girl in the room every single time he pulls it out. He brings the brim of his red solo cup up to his lips and finishes whateverâs left in it with one swig. Maybe this was a bad idea.
âDo you wanna be my beer pong partner?â Okay, well now youâve said it so thereâs no going back.
His eyebrow shoots up in a mixture of shock and pleasant surprise. âMe? Youâre not gonna ask Changmin?â
âHeâsâŠâ Your eyes flitter over to where he stands with Iseul(?), Hyunjaeâs following. No. Youâre okay. This isnât getting to your head at all. Everythingâs cool and peachy. âHeâs too preoccupied.â
Hyunjae chooses not to say anything, instead nudging you over to the opposite end of the table. Changminâs eyes widen when he sees the two of you, even having the audacity to look scandalized. God, maybe that was his biggest fault. He was so entitled.
So, it was just fine for him to bail on you in favor of some girl he didnât even know, but the second you talk to one of his frat brothers, itâs off the table? What a fucking hypocrite. The whole ordeal was actually beginning to get on your nerves now. All you wanted to do was win this stupid beer pong game to show him that heâll never find a partner as good as you.
Woah. Holy shit, Y/N. You need to dial it back a bit with the possessiveness. That was a lot, especially for you.
Juyeon narrows his eyes at you and then glances over to Changmin, the cogs turning in his head slowly. Youâre not sure if thatâs because heâs so used to seeing you both on the same side of the beer pong table, or because his vision was so shitty. Either way, it has you cowering behind Hyunjae a little as he dips the ping pong ball into the cup of water in the center.
âOkay, you know the rules. Letâs have a healthy, friendly game,â Younghoon says, tapping the table with a smile. âNo playing dirty. Iâm looking at you, Hyunjae.â
The brunette raises his hands in surrender, doing a quick bout of rock, paper, scissors with Changmin to determine which team went first. He wins with a quirk of his lips, sauntering back over to you. After rolling his neck around and popping his fingers, he tosses the ball right into Changmin and Iseulâs center cup.
You hate to admit it, but Hyunjaeâs actually pretty good at this. Youâve never really paid attention to anyone elseâs beer pong skills considering youâve only ever played with Changmin as your partner. Who knows, maybe youâll switch over permanently after this. At least, you might if he keeps up whatever it is that heâs doing.
Your best friendâs jaw tightens as he grabs the red solo cup, chugging whatâs inside. He huffs and takes his turn, nearly missing with the way the ball circles around the rim. He sighs in relief at the same time you grimace. You still hadnât had anything to drink all night and starting with fucking beer was probably the worst idea.
The game probably wouldâve been a bit more competitive had Iseul been decent at beer pong, but she sucked. So Hyunjae and yourself always kept your lead by one cup or more. Karma is a dish best served cold, or however the saying goes. And karma certainly presented itself in the form of Ji Changminâs first ever TBZ beer pong tournament loss.
Hyunjae high fives you with a cheesy grin, lacing your fingers together and shaking them around. He presses a kiss to your temple and guides you away from the table as Juyeon and Younghoon clear it for the second round. It wasnât odd for any of the TBZ boys to show you affection since you were like a sister to most of them, but this felt⊠kind of weird. You canât pinpoint exactly why, but it made you feel off.
âYouâre my secret weapon,â he laughs, hands burying into the pockets of his khaki shorts. âIâm gonna steal you as my partner permanently.â
As much as you joked around in your head, the truth of the matter was that you could never actually replace Changmin. In spite of him acting like a complete dumbass tonight, he was still your best friend. Not even the biggest of fights would change that fact.
Before you can dismiss him, Changmin is stalking over to you with a slight scowl. His nostrils flare a bit as he asks, âCan we talk?â
You barely nod and then heâs fisting the material of your top at the small of your back, urging you away from the living room. Your feet keep tripping over themselves while you attempt to match his pace but heâs too determined to reach his destination in mind to even notice. No one even bats an eye as you get ushered to your demise.
Youâre coaxed into a nearby bathroom without a word, your best friend standing in front of you with his arms crossed over his chest. Because you hadnât seen him a majority of the night, you hadnât gotten the chance to get a good look at him. He was wearing a long sleeve striped polo and some baggy jeans, which probably would look basic on anyone else. But this is Ji Changmin. Girls flocked after him for a reason.
âWhy would you play with Hyunjae? You know the type of guy he is. Now he thinks he has a shot with you or something.â As soon as he opens his mouth, you remember the type of guy he is.
âWhat does it matter to you? You were too busy giggling with your flavor of the week. Of course I wasnât gonna wait around for you.â You bite back, mirroring his stance.
âFlavor of theâ?â His eyebrows scrunch together in confusion and then everything settles in. âOh.â
âYeah,â you laugh humorlessly. âDonât act all hypocritical with me, Changmin. I canât believe I even came to this fucking party for you when you didnât even bother giving me the same energy. Best friend, my ass.â
A scoff brushes past your lips and you turn to exit the bathroom, but he grabs your wrist. His grip isnât too harsh, but itâs tight enough to stop you from going anywhere. âWait. Donât leave.â
âGive me one good reason why I shouldnât.â Your eyes flick back and forth between his and the fingers wrapped around your forearm. And you know, you really shouldâve predicted what would happen after that. The nature of your words were provocative in their own right, not to mention the tension brewing in the midst of your argument.
From one second to the next, Changminâs mouth is on your own, your back pressed to the bathroom door. His hands are everywhere and nowhere all at once; digging into your sides, running through your hair, caressing your face. You feel insane. Your head feels empty, no coherent thoughts running through it as his lips move against yours.
They migrate along your jaw and down your neck, nipping and sucking wherever they feel fit. Everything is moving way too fast for you to comprehend whatâs happening. His lips feel so good on your skin, youâre having trouble finding the strength in you to stop him. But you know you have to. This was your best friend, for godâs sake. And besides, you didnât want to deal with the disappointment youâve faced time and time again when it came to men. You couldnât handle feeling that way toward him.
Your palm presses against his chest and you try your hardest to ignore the sensation of his heart thumping beneath it. Your eyes squeeze shut as you push him off of you gently. Not expecting the sudden disruption, he stumbles backwards slightly. Heâs a little dazed, like he, too, has not a single thought in that brain of his.
âI canâtâ we canâtââ Youâre breathless, heaving up and down as if youâd just ran a damn marathon. âI have to go.â
You donât give Changmin any freedom to react, escaping the bathroom exasperated. Thereâs too much going through your mind to search for Soyeon, leaving the party as quickly as you can. The moment your foot steps out of the front door, itâs like youâre given some clarity. The fresh air feels cool on your warm skin while you take the walk back to your apartment, not in the mood to sit in a stuffy car with anyone else. You needed to think clearly and vulnerably, and someone being there would just hinder that.
But first, you had to figure out where to go from here.
Itâs been a couple days since the last TBZ party and you were still avoiding Ji Changmin like he was the plague.
You were definitely wishful thinking when you decided to just ignore things until you had class together. And even then, you were planning on pretending like nothing even happened. Fucking up your friendship with him was something you couldnât stand emotionally. Or physically. It would be akin to the pain of having your heart ripped straight from your chest.
Meeting Changmin when you did was almost like a blessing in disguise. His attitude about life was exactly what you needed coming into university. You were shy and scared of your new surroundings. You had no friends, you were far from your family, and your imposter syndrome was through the roof. But then he swooped in and made everything better somehow. As much as it was a snooze fest, youâll eternally be a little bit grateful for sharing that First Year Seminar class with him.
Deep down, a piece of you has always belonged to Changmin. From that first day of freshman year to now, youâve always held him to a different standard than everyone else. You liked to believe it was because he was your best friend, the one person who sought you out even when it felt like no one ever would. And until very recently, you kept trying to convince yourself that was the case.
If you slept together that might be worse. What if he ended up like every other guy youâve landed in bed with? What if he couldnât satisfy you? It would make it even more strained. You didnât want to end up like every other girl whoâs vied for his heart and failed miserably. He wasnât a relationship person.
Falling for him alone would complicate everything. If he didnât feel the same, it would be weird between you and your friendship would never go back to normal. Yet as you lay here, body bundled in your comforter and drowning in one of the many sweatshirts heâs left over at your apartment, scrolling through his feed, you realize that thereâs no return from this point. Now that youâve contemplated the idea, youâre too far in.
You know, the universe had funny ways of rewarding you. (Or rather, punishing you.)
Thereâs a knock at your front door. Youâre not entirely sure who it could be since you werenât expecting anyone, but one glance through the peephole and itâs all over for you. You consider stepping away, running and cowering in your bedroom until he disappears so you can go back to dissimulating that your entire life wasnât crumbling to your feet.
âY/N, I know youâre in there. Open up, please, we need to talk.â
You curse under your breath but unlock the door anyway, maneuvering so he can come inside with ease. Changmin stares at you with an unreadable expression for a minute, vision raking over your figure. Maybe youâre imagining it, but itâs something similar to how men have looked at you before, like they were undressing you with their eyes. Thatâs when you remember that you were wearing his sweatshirt.
Without pants underneathâŠ
The wind knocks out of him in an instant, something primal coming over him when his gaze lands on you in his clothing. He knows he shouldnât think about you the way he does. He shouldnât think of how pretty you are when your pen is caught in your teeth, attempting to make sense of whatever your professor was talking about. He shouldnât think of the way your cheeks flush when youâve had too much alcohol at one of the TBZ parties. He shouldnât think of kissing you, or pressing up against you like a dog in heat. He shouldnât be thinking of the kiss you shared Friday night.
Youâre his best friend, the one person in the world who has ever understood him. The one whoâs always glued to his side even when he may be in the wrong. Why would he ever want something different? How could he ask for more when he should be thankful for what he was already given?
âWhy are you pushing me away? Why are you ignoring me?â Is what he finally asks after the silence has become unbearable.
âChangmin,â you swallow thickly, hesitative with what you say next. âFriends donât kissâ we donât kiss.â
He takes a step forward, and then another, and then another until heâs only armsâ length from you. âBut, we could.â
You release a shuddery breath, reaching out to stop him from coming any closer. âP-Please. We canât do thisâ I canât do this.â
âWhy not?â He pushes. He knows heâs tiptoeing the edge of something else. Thereâs a fine line between what you have now, and what heâs wanted for so long. Itâs always been a matter of if you wanted that too. âIs it because you just donât want to?â
Youâre not even sure how to respond to him. Of course you want this. It isnât that you donât want him. Youâre more scared than anything. Youâre scared of becoming just another victim of Ji Changminâs charms, of giving into him and it leading to another let down. Your resistance is evident on your face, and youâre not all that taken aback when he sighs.
âIâve wanted you since that first day of First Year Seminar, Y/N. No one has ever compared to you and no one ever will,â he confesses, a hand coming up to cup your cheek. âI sleep with random girls to get you off my mind, to forget that Iâm pretty fucking in love with my best friend.â
Then it all clicks.
Itâs like youâve come to the biggest realization of your life, an epiphany striking you suddenly with the weight of a freight train. It all trickles into place, the reason why youâve never enjoyed yourself during sex. The reason why youâve never finished at the hands of any man youâve been with intimately.
None of them were Ji Changmin. None of them were the best friend that your heart has belonged to since your freshman year.
You press your lips to his without any warning, nearly colliding into him with the force of your impatience. He reciprocates immediately, fingers tangling in your hair and holding you closer than physically possible. You tilt your head to deepen the kiss, tongue dragging along his lower lip. Years of repressed longing and pining find themselves surfacing in this one kiss.
Changminâs hands travel to your waist, burrowing into the fabric of his sweatshirt as he yanks you toward the couch. He falls to a sitting position when the backs of his knees hit the edge, your knees resting on either side of his lap. You donât break apart once, not even to gasp for air as he grinds you down onto him. Through the material of his cargos you can feel him. Heâs just as throbbing as you are, your core pulsing with a need unlike any other.
His fingers reach for the hem of the sweatshirt and thatâs when you pause him, your nerves getting the best of you. He frowns. âWhatâs wrong?â
âItâs just,â admitting this a second time isnât easier. âIâve neverâ nobodyâs ever made me⊠you knowâŠâ
The corners of his lips curl up, thumbs rubbing the backs of your thighs. âYouâve never came before, baby?â
Your breathing stutters in your chest, the smugness of his voice sending shockwaves through your body. You shouldâve fully expected him to be a master at pillowtalk, what with the whole Sex-God persona and all that jazz, but it still catches you off guard. You shake your head shyly, arms hooked around his neck. His mouth attaches to the spot behind your ear, sucking the skin tenderly.
âIâll make sure youâre ruined for anyone else,â his voice is no louder than a whisper, but sounds deafening to the cotton stuffing the place where your brain should be. âIâll make you feel so good, you wonât think twice about who you belong to.â
A small whine emits from your throat, hips gyrating themselves onto his crotch. He bucks up into you instinctively, keeping you still on his lap. The sheer possessiveness of his tone is driving you up the wall. That seemed to be something you had in common with each other. Youâre lightheaded, too many layers of clothing blocking the space between you. Changmin connects your lips again, sliding his hands beneath the sweatshirt so his fingers can hook into the waistband of your panties.
He helps you out of them and your top, baring your entire body to him. The way his cock twitches makes him feel like a goddamn teenager. You paw at the zipper of his pants as he pulls off his t-shirt, tugging the cargos down his legs so you can kneel between them. If he thought he wasnât going to last before, heâs certain of it now. He wraps your hair around his fist in a makeshift ponytail, watching you with hooded eyes as you kiss his tip.
âYou look so gorgeous like this,â his voice is wavering, his composure drifting off.
That encourages you to take him into the wet heat of your mouth, tongue twirling around the tip. You run it along his slit, tasting the precum that had formed there. His head falls back onto the sofa cushions, jerking his hand back a bit and tugging your hair just enough for it to sting. You moan around his dick, the pain providing more pleasure than its intended purpose.
He bucks up into your mouth yet again, his length gliding down your throat. Not prepared for the intrusion, you gag, pulling off of his cock with a string of saliva bridging your lips to the tip. Tears prick at your eyes for a second, and then youâre going back in.
This time you manage to relax your throat, fitting more than you could prior. Changminâs eyes are half lidded, not once daring to look anywhere that wasnât you. The sight of you so eager to please, so desperate to reward him in spite of you being the one whoâs never orgasmed before, was clouding his thinking.
The image of you on your knees, sucking him off like your life depended on it, would be burned into his brain for the rest of his life. (Not that he minded. You lived there practically rent free, anyways.)
Your attention stays on the tip of his cock, tongue repeatedly alternating with dragging under the head and the slit on top. He could die happily, actually, the fear that he may never have you in this way finally dissipating into thin air. Want could only take a man so far.
He doesnât stay sentimental for very long, remembering that you were currently between his legs and the inner monologue could wait for later. Though, he makes the grave mistake of making direct eye contact with you and itâs game over after that point.
Changmin finishes with a groan, his cum painting your chest with milky white ropes. He cups both sides of your face, bringing you up to kiss you messily. He doesnât care that he can taste himself in your mouth, nipping your bottom lip to pry it open. The two of you swap spots, with him now on the floor and you on the couch. He pushes up your knees, spreading them to gain access to your cunt, glistening with your slick.
He presses a soft kiss to your clit, glancing up at you through his lashes to gauge your reaction. He not only had a reputation to defend, but he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was going to be the first man to make you cum. But it wasnât sufficient to just fuck you, he needed to do more than that. He needed to flood your senses and show you exactly what youâve been missing out on.
His tongue circles around the sensitive bundle of nerves, his ring and middle fingers going counter-clockwise on your entrance. He can hear the laboring of your breathing, the sharp exhale through your nostrils when he experimentally slides one of them inside of you. He starts to pump it slowly, building up the pace until he adds the other finger, curling them.
You whine when Changminâs lips envelope your clit, suckling like a man starved. His fingers south donât halt their assault, the palm of his other hand flattening on your lower stomach. You reach down to card through his hair, clutching the strands for support. He groans against your pussy, the vibrations contributing to the knot growing tighter in your abdomen.
He switches his tongue and fingers a moment later, lapping at your hole and swiping at your clit in a close ovular pattern with his thumb. Youâre dizzy, lids fluttering shut and back arching off the cushions in a weak attempt to minimize the space between you. Changmin pins down your hips with his forearm, continuing making out with your cunt.
He flips the stimulation once more, mouth on your clit and fingers buried deep inside of you in an instant. He keeps his eyes on you, focused on every scrunch of your face and slacking of your jaw. The sudden difference in sensations has a loud moan ripping from your vocal cords, that knot coming undone almost too quickly for it being your first time in this position. You feel his lips turn up in a smile, like heâs proud of himself for doing the impossible.
Changmin pulls back slightly, his fingers still working you down from your peak. When he thinks youâve calmed, heâs up and kissing you, petting your hair gently. âYou did so well for me, baby.â
âIâve made myself cum so many times before, but never like thatâ holy shit, ChangminâŠâ Youâre a little stunned and he finds it cute, despite you both being in such a compromising situation.
âI need you to give me one more, is that okay?â He lays you on your back, hovering over you. âI wanna see your pretty face when you cum on my cock.â
You pull him down for another kiss, pecking the side of his neck with a hum. âWant you to fill me up, too.â
The groan that leaves him is guttural, his forehead falling onto your collarbone. Dreams really do come true. He hikes up one of your legs, lining himself up with you. He guides his cock into you and watches you for any moves of discomfort. A whimper bubbles past as he slips in, bottoming out smoothly. Half of you still couldnât believe this was happening. No fucking way was Ji Changmin on top of you right now, dick compressed in your cunt to the hilt.
He holds your knee to your chest as he begins to thrust his hips, driving his cock deep from the get go. Each motion jostles you further up the sofa, but youâre too gone to care. Your eyes have started to roll to the back of your head and you already feel that pressure rising in the pit of your stomach.
At this rate, youâre not sure youâll last very long. Youâre still extremely sensitive from your first orgasm and Changminâs plowing into you like he might never get the chance to do it again.
âYouâre soâ fuckâ youâre so tight, baby⊠Squeezing me in like you donât wanna let me go,â he rasps, trailing open mouthed kisses along your jaw and carrying them down your jugular.
You moan something about how deep he is, about how you can feel him everywhere. Itâs too much. Itâs not enough. And despite him giving you everything he has to offer, you crave more. Youâre yearning for more.
Something in you snaps and youâre cradling his face in your hands. âLove you so much, Changmin. Wanna be with you forever.â
His eyes widen at your off-kilter confession, but he doesnât cease once. If anything, his speed increases as he kisses you passionately, noses bumping but so far on the spectrum from the others. This one is more emotional, more meaningful. Itâs not long before heâs spilling into you, moaning against your lips. You follow closely behind, your second orgasm cresting like a tidal wave.
You stay like that for a minute, both of you soaking it all in. Your chests meet in the middle with each breath you take.
Changmin pulls out of you carefully, laying so you can rest comfortably on top of him. A smile inches across his feature, like he was on the inside of a joke you werenât. You raise an eyebrow at him.
âWhatâŠâ
âNothing, itâs just,â he brushes some of your hair from your forehead to leave a smooch there. âIâve been waiting for the right time to tell you how I felt for a while now. I just wanted to assure that you wouldnât scream in my face and run the opposite direction. But you went ahead and beat me to it.â
âYou meant what you said about the other girls?â You nibble at the skin of your cheek, nervous. âYou slept with them to distract yourself from me? Even Iseul?â
He nods, albeit a little shamefully. âNot my proudest moment, Iâll say. I couldâve gone about it a million other ways. But yeah, I didnât want to ruin what we had. I couldnât stand the thought of losing you just because I couldnât get my feelings in check.â
âYouâre stupid,â you laugh, cuddling further into him. âItâs a good thing Iâm kind of into that.â
âKind of?â He quirks a brow at you. âI donât know, you were saying something about loving me so much and wanting to be with me forever earlierâŠâ
You smack his chest playfully. âShut up. That was a moment of weakness or whatever.â
âItâs okay,â he smiles at you fondly, as if you were the reason that the sun shone so brightly. âI love you, too. And I wouldnât mind being with you forever.â
© juyeonszn. do not steal, claim, or repost.
#deoboyznet#the boyz#the boyz x reader#the boyz smut#tbz#tbz x reader#tbz smut#the boyz changmin#the boyz q#tbz changmin#tbz q#ji changmin#ji changmin x reader#ji changmin smut#changmin x reader#changmin smut#q x reader#q smut#juyeonszn#blackoutorbackoutđ»
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SURPRISE !
genre. fluff. warnings. kissing. changmin w glasses skdjks??? pairing. changmin x fem!reader. wc. 553. request. no. a/n. changmin w his black glasses like in the babydoll stage actually DESTROYS me like wtf i need him...
A flurry of excitement filled your stomach as you peaked around the corner of the building you were hiding behind and saw your boyfriend standing with his back to you. You hadnât seen him for months, and he didnât know you had flown out secretly with the help of Chanhee to surprise him. He was talking about something with Eric, laughing at something he had said. You couldnât see his face, but you could imagine that the dimples you loved so much were displayed.Â
Eric made eye contact with you, and you gave him a quick thumbs upâ the signal you had both agreed on for when you were ready. You heard him bringing up an excuse of having to go to the bathroom, and dip back into the restaurant. Changmin leaned his shoulder against the wall, still with his back turned to you, and took out his phone to type something.
You felt your own phone buzz in your back pocket and bit back a smile. Of course you would be the first person he texted. You ignored the message, and silently crept closer, being as stealthy as you could so he wouldnât be able to hear you.
Once you got close enough, you reached out and grabbed his thick black glasses from his face, pulling them off easily with a giggle. Changmin gasped in shock, brain not processing what had happened until he turned around in a rush and saw your smug face and your hand held up high with his glasses clutched between your fingers.
âY/n! Give them back!â He laughed, reaching forward to grab them, but you held them just out of reach of him.Â
âTheyâre mine now!â You said, satisfied as you slipped them onto your face while your boyfriend watched in shock. It didnât take long for his brain to finally process that you had been away from him for months and you werenât supposed to be in front of him now, except you were.
âHow did you-â His jaw dropped again in shock and he reached out to touch you, as if to check if you were actually real or not. Upon finding that you were actually standing in front of him, his body seemed to act faster than his brain.Â
He pushed you against the wall, closing you in with his hands on your shoulders. His lips were entangled with yours before another second could pass, and all you could do was sigh and kiss him back eagerly, hands finding their home in his dark hair. He had cut it while you were away, and while you had seen pictures, feeling it underneath your own fingertips felt different.
âMissed you too.â You giggled once he pulled away, still holding you close up against the wall. You took off the glasses you had stolen from him and carefully placed them back onto his face, kissing his nose after.
âYou shouldâve told me you were coming. I wouldâve gotten you flowers or something.â He mumbled with a pout.
âThat wouldâve ruined the surprise.â You argued.
âI missed you so much.â He said, sounding relieved that you were back in his arms. He hugged you to his chest, breathing in your perfume and holding you like it was the last time he would ever be able to.
âł the boyz taglist (bolded could not be tagged): @eternalgyu,, @blossominghunnie,, @cosmicwintr,, @weird-bookworm,, @haecien,,
@lecheugo,, @seunghancore
#ficsăăâË°#k-labels#changmin#ji changmin#the boyz#tbz#the boyz x reader#tbz x reader#changmin x reader#ji changmin x reader#the boyz q#tbz q#q x reader#changmin fic#changmin fluff#changmin fanfic#the boyz fluff#the boyz fic#the boyz fanfic#the boyz imagines#kpop imagines
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babydoll || ji changmin || act ii
âł Changmin isnât popular nor is he rich, whereas you run on the other end of the spectrum, spoilt and living on your dads credit card. when youâre tasked with kicking him out of the biggest party of your year, you come to realise heâs not all that bad. unfortunately, falling in love with the ji changmin is your one way ticket to social suicide.
âł pairing: ji changmin x female reader + ex lee juyeon x female reader
!!! this is not a love triangle !!!
~ rating: NC-17 minors please do not interact with this work
âł genre: enemies to acquaintances to reluctant friends to lovers, slowburn, drama, angst, happy end but it takes a long ass time, rich girl broke ass uni boy
~ warnings: everyone still kinda sucks, juyeon is toxic and a red flag, manipulation, emotional abuse, toxic relationships, family abuse (implied, vaguely shown), bullying, reader is still a pain to deal with, alcohol, drug use, the classism is strong in this one still, implications of an eating disorder, body issues, body modifications (tongue and nipple piercings), changmin is basically a chainsmoker but we love him, minnie teaching ya'll and reader how to roll a cigarette, cocaine is common, so is imported wine, swearing, pet names (little doll, doll, darling, princess), whore and bitch, suicidal ideation, mild violence, first degree burns, taller reader with long hair, is anyone redeemable?
everyone is an adult in their 20s
!!! if I missed anything or I remember something else I will add it !!!
âł words: 28,173
a/n: this is late. I apologise this shit is long as hell to edit and it broke tumblr and my computer.
I have said this previously but I will be stating this every chapter. There are some specific physical attributes to this reader which I usually avoid doing but for the story itself it was necessary.
Also, please note that the warnings are applicable to the chapter in question, not necessarily the whole story. You can find all the general warnings on the masterlist to babydoll. I also take no responsibility if you take issue with the topics and characters at hand once proceeding as I would hope you have read the warnings beforehand. If there is something I did genuinely miss in the warnings you are more than welcome to tell me though, since there is a lot and some might get overlooked.
let me know if you wanna be on the taglist and please I beg love up on this changmin he's taking all the strength I have and possess.
babydoll playlist || act i
You could go without hearing Changminâs voice for the rest of your life. Itâs not that it was an unattractive tone or that it was harsh, but it was the person behind it that immediately brought you to a halt. There was a very big part of you that almost knew what this was going to be about, and you were set on avoiding it.Â
It was the very first time you didnât stay to catch his attention. You walked away, heading down the stairs to the first floor in an attempt to shake him off. But Changmin was stubborn in his pursuit of you, especially today, and he persisted in running after you until he caught up and stood right in front of you to block your path.Â
âWhy am I wrapped up in a rumour that you want to fuck me?âÂ
Itâs painfully embarrassing to hear those words from him. Youâd expected it, given that in the past few days, the looks youâd received were ones that made you feel cornered, like prey being chased. Chanhee had even asked you, in a tone that sounded so judgemental that for a moment you thought heâd slipped into the opposing side. Juyeonâs side.Â
Hyunjae had been worse. Youâd deemed him a maybe friend, especially considering how heâd been standing up for you recently, but his tone, like he was amused and laughing at your massive fuck up and that it was somehow funny to him, had made you cold towards him.Â
Younghoon was a nightmare. Heâd grabbed your long hair by the roots and dragged you into an empty hallway to shame you. Youâd embarrassed Juyeon and everyone knew about it. You fucked your ex boyfriend, used him for his money like a whore and then had the audacity to think about someone else.
Itâs not like you had wanted to.Â
It had been an honest mistake, a thought that fell away from you.Â
Your social status had fallen to a new low. To a degree that had even Chanhee wary of speaking to you around others. You didnât blame him, as you knew if it had been him, youâd likely cast him out much the same. See, that was the thing in both your circles, when it was all wealth and appearance and nothing of substance. Looks mattered, behaviour mattered, how awful you were to keep it perfect didnât matter at all.Â
You missed Chanhee but you didnât beg for him. He spoke to you when he desired, asked if you were okay, even apologised once when you were alone, but the damage was done.Â
Chanhee couldnât fully understand it either. He knew you so well, he knew youâd never jeopardise yourself to this extent, so how were you possibly so stupid?
You straighten your posture but youâre more nervous than usual, hiding your palms underneath your hoodie as you fiddle with the sleeves.Â
Yes, the same hoodie the man before you had returned perfectly new, wearing it like an oversized dress with heels that once again made you just a little taller, and right now, it reassured you. You were above him, both physically and in status, and that still remained true. He would never be better than you.Â
âSays who?âÂ
Youâre stoic and nonchalant in your behaviour, even ice cold as you try to keep all your expressions away from his prying eyes, but Changmin only raises his brows and leans against the wall in disbelief because he doesnât believe it. Youâre not sure why he doesnât, anyone usually would, but he looks at you like youâre see through, like everything is laid out in front of him, like he knows you down to the bone and it makes you extremely uncomfortable to know that heâs analysing you for more than just your body.Â
âHalf the school is asking me why you moan my fucking name when some asshole fucks you and your concern is who?â
To be perfectly fair, both were of your concern. The fact that so many people approached a social outcast to ask him what the fuck you were doing, what you had done, all because Juyeon ran his mouth, just as much as who specifically had been the one to bring this to Changminâs attention.Â
âJuyeon?â
âNo, though I hear heâs been riding out the emotionally torn up victim perfectly,â you almost laugh because you can imagine it so well. Juyeonâs ego had been bruised and he had to run around so that everyone would know about it, but you caught yourself by hiding the slight smile behind your hand.Â
It wasnât funny.Â
âI really donât care, you know? You can fantasise about me all you want. Is that why you kept my hoodie?â
Heâd been so close. So close to making you take a step back, if even just for a minute to tell him it was okay. Because the reality, as much as you hated it, was that none of this was really Changminâs fault, even if you wanted it to be.Â
And then he went and ruined it, and it made you snap.
âYou think I fucking like Juyeon going around telling people that I said someone elseâs name when I fucked him?! Like you so graciously told me to?!Â
âI didnât-â
âDonât you think Iâm humiliated enough?! Itâs so fucking embarassing that it had to be you,â and thatâs when you break. The cruelty of your words arenât lost on you, but the emotional torment and humiliation you feel is even worse. You donât let yourself, but it happens almost on its own when you start to cry, and you never cry.Â
Not like this, but the tears fall so freely that you couldnât catch the droplets between your fingers even if you tried, and Changmin just stands there like an idiot. He stands there and youâre not sure if itâs because heâs amused in watching your vulnerability or because he genuinely feels bad, but either feel equally as bad at this point.Â
You run away as a result, and this time it proves successful as Changmin doesnât seem to be following you, so you keep going. You run all the way to your car and when the door closes you allow yourself to really break, because you feel like your life is ruined. You feel like everything you worked for, and everything that was so unbearably painful to work towards, was for nothing. People looked at you now and saw one thing. You were the one who hurt Juyeon, someone well loved, in a manner that is so utterly humiliating that anyone would say he deserved better.Â
Juyeon was never the bad guy, and you just had no idea how to possibly spin it so that he could look to be the one whoâd caused you more pain than youâd caused him. For the truth to your relationship had ran deep behind closed doors and youâd never let anyone in on it, and yet you slip up once and he lets the mask fall on who you are.Â
At least, who you are in his eyes.Â
You were sure now more than ever before that you and Juyeon were over, and it was like experiencing a break up all over again. It hurt, a lot, because there was once a time in which you wouldâve said you maybe loved him. And the reality of him at the very least never caring to preserve your dignity and appearances when he knew how hard you worked for it and what you did to attain it, was a brutal reality that you simply did not want to face.Â
Weeks go by and youâre sure your life has hit a wall that youâll never get over. You felt dramatic, sure, but you were certain you could simply cease to exist and it wouldnât really matter anymore. It wasnât that youâd made any plans at your life. It was more so a feeling of if you faded away, would it even make a difference?Â
You didnât think it would. Youâd let yourself sink to the status that Juyeon had asked for. You crashed, horrifically, falling so depressed that getting to class was a challenge, much less looking presentable. Your endless pairs of heels were replaced with trainers, ones you liked from dior but not nearly as graceful and elegant as what you usually had on, and you practically lived in hoodies that posed as dresses because they were just about long enough.Â
You still wore make up, but it was far less intricate than before, and your hair was usually up in a high ponytail because you just wanted it out of your face, and you wanted to hide the fact that you barely had the energy to brush through it.Â
Everything was tiring. Having everyone stare at you, treat you so far beneath yourself for something that had been no one's business was an awful, terrifyingly isolating feeling. Youâd never been more aware of your appearance ever before as you were now, and yet youâd also never been as unenthused to fix it in your life. What was the point when the looks were the same. You were judged, beneath them.Â
Youâd sunk to Changminâs status, and for the first time you wondered how he could do it. How was he able to brush almost anything off, to seem so unbothered, when he was being torn apart from all directions. Youâd done it to him, but youâd seen others do it far worse, and yet he acted just the same. It was something you wished you knew how to mirror, for maybe then it would at least earn you some respect back where he couldnât, because he lacked the privilege you had.Â
Chanhee had brought you a coffee in the morning, your absolute favourite order and therefore you knew how expensive it was. A mix of extra shots of coffee and syrup, but it was refreshing and made you smile as he kissed the top of your head. You appreciated it more than he probably knew, because Chanhee hadnât been around you much in recent weeks. Ever since it happened, you wouldnât call it distance, but more missed chances to cross each other and neither of you made an effort to fix it.Â
Normally, Chanhee loved to pry. He wanted all the dirt and tea he could get out of you, but itâs like he knew to not cross this line, and the end result was distance. It was ironic, really, because you couldâve really used someone to talk to. For someone to ask with a non judgemental tone what the actual fuck had happened.Â
Even if in truth you didnât fully know either where the hell you had gone wrong.Â
Changmin had tried to talk to you one more time but youâd turned him away. Itâs like heâd chosen the worst moment, exactly when Hyunjae and Juyeon turned the hallway towards you both, and if you had even considered staying for a bit to hear what he had to say, it all went out the window as they showed up. You turned so fast to run that the three of them would likely fail to catch you.Â
Juyeon had somehow managed to spread more rumours, because the kicked little kitten had seen you with the very man youâd thought of. It felt ridiculous, even pathetic, the way he was dragging it, and yet the way you knew to stand up for yourself was entirely lost on you. You forgot to speak, forgot how to be firmly yourself with your thoughts to tell them all to go to hell. You forgot how to exist in yourself.
You went home that day and saw Changminâs dark hoodie laying on the edge of your bed where youâd left it in the morning, and you decided youâd had enough. You werenât a weak person, and you were letting yourself be walked over and dragged with the name of someone you didnât even like. Why the hell would you stand for it, like he was worth more than you?Â
It was five in the morning when you got ready for your lecture three hours away. You dragged yourself into your shower, your little cat watching you with peculiar eyes because you were never up this early. She knew that, so she found it rather odd and just sat there perched curiously on the counter where all your makeup was messily strewn about for someone else to clean.Â
Changmin mightâve forgotten about the hoodie entirely, accepting defeat and transferring ownership, but you wanted to cut any and all strings with him. You wanted to have no part of you be intertwined with him, no association or ties that meant you even knew each other.Â
And you would do it looking absolutely stunning.Â
Your dress sits so tight it threatens to hurt you, but it forms around your body well and the length is just enough to be acceptable if you tape it to your thigh before it rises above your ass. Not class appropriate, but its never bothered you before.Â
You decide to wear one of your three red bottom heels, the highest ones you own, the colour black to go with the same coloured dress, paired with your silver jewellery. The ridiculous hoodie in your hand ruins the entire aesthetic, but at least youâd be rid of it soon.Â
When your driver drops you off at school, you make the not so unusual albeit stupid decision to cut a line of cocaine on a small piece of decorated glass that you keep in the car to break and distribute the powder into lines, because youâre tired as hell and have to withstand a lot of stares today. That, and you would willingly go looking for Changmin, his piece of clothing hidden away, folded neatly and delicately in a discarded designer shopping bag from one of your many expensive trips on your exes dime.Â
Maybe you needed a cigarette. A bottle of wine wouldnât hurt either.
âYou look very nice today,â it was a careful voice, Hyunjae, but you frowned when you turned to look at him. He was alone, well dressed with a cologne you couldnât recognise, rare in your case, but nice. It wasnât overbearing, and it mirrored the man in front of you quite well.Â
âSince when do you take the time to give me a compliment?â
âI just think you look nice,â he sounds honest and sincere, which in truth you do believe he means. You donât think heâs carelessly choosing to say words to make you feel better, but it still doesnât sit well with you, so you smile at him gently and touch his shoulder to squeeze it and ask for his attention.
âWell donât, Jae,â he lets you leave, and youâre determined more than anything to find the man you wish to blame everything on. Thereâs a bounce to your step, wide awake now as the drug infiltrates your bloodstream, and youâre almost a little excited to get it all over with.Â
Youâre even more excited at the prospect of dragging Juyeon down beneath you, but that was for later.
Youâd just about given up on finding Changmin when after your final class, the library proved successful in your search. However, it also proved to be a mistake. Youâre not sure what the reason is, but seeing Changmin makes you stop. You hit that familiar wall, except now it's a dam and itâs threatening to break. And if it breaks, so do you.Â
Youâre emotionally charged in a way you donât want to be, simply because you see him standing there, reaching for a book dressed in a simple t-shirt with his glasses perched over his nose that looks almost crafted from the side at which you're standing. It hits you suddenly, that you find Changmin to be physically beautiful. Even when he isnât well dressed, there is a simplicity to him that is welcoming, and it makes you want to turn away.Â
He notices you, probably because a shadow loomed to his side and he was notified of your presence because you simply stood there. Heâs carrying three books, and you wonder what they are, but then he moves towards you with a confused stare that has you thinking you couldnât do this.Â
âIs there something on my face?â
His voice breaks you free from your mind in which you are a prisoner, or at least feel like one with your overwhelming thoughts that you simply never wish to have. Everything seems so easy for him, talking to you seems simple, and youâre wondering why you canât formulate words to return it when it shouldnât require any effort at all.Â
âI have your hoodie,â you keep your voice low just in case, but he hears it and seems to curiously perk up at the prospect of getting his clothes back.Â
âOh? I figured you were keeping that,â honestly, so did you. Youâd really wanted to, because it was still insanely comfortable to you. You loved it, in truth, for the way it wrapped around you felt soft, like you were nestled up in something that wouldnât hurt your skin and never sat too tight just to form your body a certain way.Â
âI donât want anything that ties me to you,â you wonder if it stings, when you insult him like this, but he makes no face that tells you it does. Heâs perfect at hiding how he feels, and you nearly wish to ask him how he does it. How does he remain so okay, when things so cruel and hurtful are thrown his way?Â
You wish to emulate it, even in this moment, but you canât.Â
Itâs the one part of him you wished you could learn to take for yourself.
âAre you okay?âÂ
Those three words hit you like a knife straight through your chest, reverberating deep in your bones as your entire resolve breaks. Your walls fall apart yet again and heâs the one to do it, because in truth you arenât and heâs the only one to even ask the questions in weeks apart from Chanhee. People you consider your friends, or would consider anything at this point that Changmin isnât, havenât even asked, and yet he stands before you and doesnât even seem to stumble over the words to pose the question.Â
And it makes you cry.Â
Itâs absolutely humiliating to cry like this and the mascara burns your eyes in an instant, and yet every effort to stop forsakes you because it all makes it worse. Changmin stands there so awkwardly, like he might have ways to comfort someone but no ways of knowing how to comfort you, and youâre fairly certain he wishes to turn away because he finds it uncomfortable to simply stand here with you, in a corner, far from others yet not far enough that no one could see if they didnât go to look
âI⊠listen⊠I really didnât mean to make you cry,â you can tell he doesnât like it. Maybe because itâs you or heâs uneasy by it in general, but it fills you up with even more embarrassment as you try to will your body to walk away. Yet youâve turned to stone, accepting your humiliation because how much lower could you go before his eyes? Youâve broken entirely and heâs witnessed almost every second of your demise as you became nothing of value to absolutely everyone around you. You really were like a whore.
âCan you just t-take it?âÂ
Forcing the bag into his fingers doesnât work, and you note for the first time the silver rings he wears. Youâre surprised you missed it before, or maybe he wasnât always wearing them, but theyâre intricate in their simplicity and you wish to have a closer look, though you wouldnât be the one to ask.Â
âListen⊠I know you have some pathetically unjustified hatred towards me-â you scoff, only to prove his point that has him rolling his dark brown eyes because heâs exasperated that you simply canât let him finish, âI also find you incredibly fucking annoying and a raging bitch-â
âHey!âÂ
You want to hit him, yet youâre not going to disagree with him. You know how to hurt people well, how to manipulate a situation and how to come out on top above everyone else and so it earned you occasionally negative titles that were sometimes deserved.Â
Nevertheless you werenât quite sure what he was getting at.Â
âDo you want to get some ice cream?â
Whatever it was, it hadnât been that. You hadnât expected to be asked to go anywhere with him, and yet here you both were, in a position of vulnerability for him and one even more for you. You were conflicted and uncertain in what youâre answer should be, because even if your first thought was to say no and reject him, it wasnât what you truly wanted.Â
âWhat?â
âIce cream makes anything better. Donât you think?âÂ
Well, no, you didnât think so, for it added weight where you didnât need it, and yet you didnât want to turn him away. You were upset, evidently, and he was trying to do something to bring a smile to your lips and you hated that it felt like it was working. It shouldnât be working, and yet you were heavily considering it.Â
âFine, but I donât need us to leave together.â
âI have another class, anyway,â but the way he spoke made you wonder if heâd been willing to skip it, if youâd immediately said yes to something youâd never thought youâd hear him ask. He almost seemed bitter but you werenât quite able to feel bad.Â
But you wouldnât mind ice cream, if you were honest.
âI can meet you there,â Changmin seems surprised, perking up in a way that is strangely endearing yet you refuse a smile, waiting for him to tell you where to go.Â
âIt's just a ten minute walk from here. Amorino, I think.â
Youâd heard of it, but in truth youâd never been, but it was meant to be good for the little it cost, so maybe it was worth a try.Â
âFine. Iâll be there,â youâd get some of your assignments done, maybe, but first youâd need to spend the next hour in front of a mirror so that you didnât look like an absolute mess, even when you felt like one. Changmin looked like he wanted to say something else, but he bit his tongue and walked away from you with your hands still firmly latched around the strap of your shopping bag. You wondered if heâd intentionally left it in your grasp, if there was a reason he was no longer so hellbent on getting it back, but you werenât going to dwell on it.Â
And you were not keeping it any longer either. If anything, youâd blame your willingness and brief vulnerability to say yes on the fact that you simply just wanted to be rid of him, and that included the item you were holding.Â
You almost wished the rain had put him off from walking through the glass doors that led inside a sickly sweet smelling cafe, slightly cool because of the various ice cream needing the lower temperature. Sadly, it hadnât, and Changmin walked in just a little over an hour after you had taken a seat in a corner far inside the shop, hoping that if anyone you knew would walk past, they wouldnât recognise you. When he spots you, he seems almost as apprehensive as you to approach, brushing through his matted down wet strands of dark hair to move them away from his forehead.Â
âIâm surprised youâre here,â it seems true. Like he hadnât expected you to really show up and in truth it seemed like the most reasonable assumption to make, because you really had no idea either.Â
âMe too,â he smiles at you and it makes you uncomfortable, for the shift in the way he treated you seemed disingenuous, yet nothing about it told you that his kindness in looking at you wasnât real. Itâs like youâd genuinely managed to amuse him with little to no effort, after the countless times in which you were a pain in his ass.Â
âDo you know which flavour youâd like?â
âI⊠honestly canât decide,â it all sounded heavenly. You couldnât remember when youâd last indulged in a sweet treat like this, even if it hadnât been intentional to go so long without. It just never came to be for a very long time and suddenly you were overwhelmed with flavours that you wanted to try. You couldâve eaten half the menu, and yet you barely desired one in terms of calories.
âI think you can choose up to three for one cone,â three seemed absurd. It seemed excessive and yet the temptation to try three was so overbearing that you wanted to give in.
âAre you having three?â
âProbably,â you nod, falling silent because you really donât know how to talk to him normally. Changmin was a stranger to you, and you fully realise it when you sit across from him and realise that you donât know him at all. You donât know who he is, how he thinks, aside from what he tells you, and the only other thing you know is what he looks like, and that he often adjusts his glasses as if they sit just a little too big.Â
âI can order for us both,â he offers, breaking you out of your trance to once again be reminded of how strange this is. You donât like Changmin, yet sitting with him like this is simple. Itâs weird, but itâs easier than expected. Itâs very awkward, but itâs simple.Â
âYou donât have to order for me.â
âIt was an offer, not a demand,â you roll your eyes, though his kindness isnât lost on you and youâre once again sat here wondering what youâre really doing, and wondering why Changminâs shift in personality was so sudden but genuine.Â
âStracciatella, dulce de leche and coffee.â
âI can tell youâre rich,â you wonder if itâs an insult, but if it is heâs smiling and that almost makes it worse. You know how to do it best, smile through something you didnât mean, or something that was an insult but you wanted the other person to maybe have hope that it wasnât meant that way. Or maybe he was joking, and the slight tease just went way over your head.Â
âWhatâre you think?âÂ
âVanilla, lemon and amarena,â you nod, as if to just tell him you were listening but have nothing to say.Â
âBut Iâm the rich one,â itâs your way of figuring out if he was teasing too, by doing so back and seeing what his reaction will be. Changmin seems amused and you relax in knowing that he wasnât mocking you.Â
âWhatâs wrong with those flavours?â
âNothing,â you draw out, staring back at the menu to decide on a coffee, âIâll get a drink.â
Changmin seems to hesitate just briefly and realisation dawns on you. Youâve always looked down on him for having less money, for not affording things, but it didnât cross your mind that he might not even be able to afford this. The issue then became that you had no idea how to delicately approach it.Â
âIâll pay for it,â you tell him, but thereâs surprise on his face and a hint of frustration, and you wonder if you read it all wrong.Â
âIâm not in poverty, you do know that, right?â
Honestly, you didnât. It mightâve been embarrassing to admit but you werenât quite sure at what point someone was considered within poverty because very often, your parents had shown you that even the most common ordinary people lacked money and therefore werenât content in life. You had no real way of measuring what was really considered little. Hell, you barely knew what your family had in regards to wealth, because you rarely looked at the money you spent. You knew you always had it, so you spent it, without having to think about it.Â
In your mind, anyone that had to consider their spending was poor.Â
Sat here now with Changmin was probably the first moment in which you briefly think that mightâve been wrong. That maybe he was cautious with money but not without it. If he was without it, he would likely not be as inviting to sit with and dressed the way he was, even if youâd never buy clothes like the ones he wore.Â
âIâd still like to pay,â you offer, and youâre not really sure why. Youâre here to give him this stupid bag thatâs been weighing down on your mind all day as you chased after him, and maybe youâre also hoping to buy his silence on the fact that you cried before him and have done so twice now.Â
âI invited you here,â he was right. Usually, at least how you were raised, the one inviting the other is the one to pay unless otherwise agreed, which had never been the case for you before, yet it was now.Â
âAnd Iâm telling you to let me pay.â
âYouâre really demanding you know?â
You knew. Itâs how you got what you wanted, to make demands rather than ask questions. Changmin seems displeased but he doesnât argue with you, shrugging his jacket off to drape it over the chair before he gets up and waits.Â
âWhat?âÂ
âYouâre not coming with?â
âJust take my card. Three, five, seven, two,â you hold it out to him between your long manicured nails and he looks at you like youâre insane. Itâs another reminder of how different you two are, of how giving him access to sums heâs never even seen or hoped to dream of meant absolutely nothing to you, because it really didnât.
âThanks?â
Changmin walks away, but itâs only brief before heâs turned back around to approach you, âwhich coffee did you want?â
âA latte macchiato,â he nods, leaving you alone with your thoughts again as you watch his back. The weather has since gotten worse, but itâs quite cosy from here, to simply watch the rain fall, the droplets chasing after one another from top to bottom, only to repeat over and over again in different patterns. The heating was on too, and it was quite comfortable to simply sit here.Â
The girl at the counter smiles at Changmin in a way that makes you want to turn away, not because someone flirting with him bothers you, but because you canât believe how ridiculous sheâs being in doing so. Heâs here with you, and sheâs practically begging for it.Â
Whatever she says, he seems polite but distant enough for her to straighten her posture and adjust her smile to a more professional one, and so you take that as a rejection on his part. Youâre not sure why you find that so satisfying, that she didnât get her way, but youâre happy about it regardless as heâs handed two ice cream cones that seem far more intricate than youâd expected.Â
Itâs only when he comes closer that you realise that the ice cream has been layered together to form the shape of multiple rose petals and ultimately a flower, three separately assorted colours that make up the flavours you asked for, âtheyâre still making the coffees.â
âThanks,â you take the ice cream from him carefully, admiring its shape and look. Itâs beautiful, really, and it does put a gentle smile on your face as you manage a little laugh in amusement, âitâs pretty.â
You wonder if Changmin knew how they put the ice cream together. If maybe he suggested this place because he figured something as simple as an ice cream shaped like beautiful petals belonging to a rose would cheer you up or make you feel better for the absolute mess that had become your life. For the emotional turmoil you felt as you fell in importance and high regard in othersâ eyes.Â
You mattered less to almost everyone you knew and it bothered you greatly.
Both of you fall silent, likely because neither of you have anything to say. Thereâs nothing to talk about, not between the two of you, and thereâs no attempt at changing it either. Neither of you want to become friends, and yet here you both sit being friendly.Â
How strange the world worked sometimes.
âIâm sorry Juyeonâs such a dick to you,â it takes you by complete surprise to hear him speak, and whilst normally youâd find yourself frustrated to hear him even bring it up again, itâs oddly comforting to hear an opinion you agree with, albeit planned to have kept from Changmin. You want him to believe that things are perfect, that you and Juyeon are perfect, because you hold on to the false belief that maybe it would be.Â
âJuyeonâs just⊠a guy, I guess.â
âI wouldnât do that,â you wonder why he says it. If heâs trying to tell you heâs better than Juyeon and if so, why it would matter. You have no interest in him and never would, so there was no need for Changmin to make himself better than the man you somehow spent still loving, despite all his horrifying flaws.
And there were many of them, and yet you still saw it with rose tinted glasses. Whilst aware of it, it mattered less to you.Â
âI donât plan to ever have sex with you if-â
âThat wasnât an invitation,â again, your eyes roll almost instantly. Heâs too good at being frustrating, and he sits there with his body leaned forward like heâs engaged in you while he takes a bite of his ice cream.Â
A bite.
âYouâre insane. Why do you bite it?â
âItâs food?â
âItâs cold.â
âWhy would I want to just lick it? I barely get any ice cream and then it melts.â
You watch as he bites into another petal and you push your body up a little to see what flavour it mightâve been.Â
âVanilla,â he answers and you nod, sitting back with your one leg crossed over the other.
âIsnât vanilla a little plain?â
âIs that a double entendre?â
Itâs so easy to give up when the conversation is so static, so forced because you truly have nothing to talk about. What the hell do you both even have in common?
âI have a cat,â Changmin laughs and itâs a little unexpected, his smile so light and his dimples set deep in his cheeks. Itâs an inviting smile, warm, and his tone of laughter is unique and suits him. Thereâs a childlike amusement to his features as he looks down at the table.Â
âI also have a cat,â you were curious to see her, or him, but you didnât really want to ask. Both of you sharing photos of your pets over ice cream and coffee was a little bit too friendly, but you supposed there was now something you had in common, âbut I donât really like cats.â
Nevermind.
âThen why do you have one?â
He thinks, just for a minute as he drinks some of his coffee that had been brought over just a few short minutes before, and you must say now you really want to know why he has a pet he doesnât even like.Â
âI found him on the streets. He was put in a box and it was raining. Wasnât going to take him first because I didnât want one. But when I went to call someone in the shop nearby, heâd somehow jumped out of the box and started to follow me. He just wouldnât leave.â
It was unexpectedly sweet and very much something you wouldâve never considered. Of course your cat was store bought, expensive and from a litter from a breeder that had done this for the past decade or two. Getting a cat of the streets, even if unintentionally was so out of your character, but you knew when to admit you found it to be kind of Changmin to have done so.Â
âYou kept him?â
âI did. Heâs very sweet.â
âChanhee says my cat is a diva.â
âSo she takes after you. Figures,â you could hit him, but you bite your tongue and try a new flavour of the ice cream petals. Coffee. Definitely.Â
The conversation dies again when it would be so easy to keep it going, but itâs like neither of you have any desire to do so. And yet, you find yourself far more at ease sitting here than you wouldâve thought when you first agreed to it. You didnât feel like you had to make up the silence that you both shared.
He seemed to share the same thoughts, though he didnât often share eye contact with you. You werenât sure if he was hesitant to or maybe he just didnât want to look at you, but previous times youâd met him, heâd always been good at looking you in the eye. It was a little strange that he seemed to look everywhere else but at you now, unless you spoke.Â
âYou smoke, right?â Painful. These occasional conversations littered into being sat here were just simply weird, but you watch as he grabs a bag of loose tobacco out of his jacket as well as some rolling paper and a filter.Â
âDidnât you smoke straights last time?â
âYou remember?â
Fuck.Â
âI didnât forget you offering me one,â he shrugs and you watch as he distributes the tobacco onto the paper carefully between his jewellery adorned fingers. It was distracting and you could curse again for it, because he was doing it all effortlessly with one hand.Â
âYou want one now?âÂ
âI can do itâŠâ he seems to hesitate though ultimately pushes the bag of tobacco over to your end of the table, and you fiddle with the cone of your ice cream between your one hand whilst figuring out how to do this with the other. Actually, how the fuck had Changmin done this?Â
âHow did you-â
âPut it on the table first. You can roll with one hand,â he was definitely more confident in your abilities than you were, and maybe that was sweet but it was also giving you far more credit than you deserved.Â
You didnât even want to admit that you couldnât roll a cigarette at all. You always bought straights, the times you bought any at all. Doing it yourself seemed like extra effort for not much pay off.Â
You try to mirror Changmin, seeing how much tobacco he used and loosening up the dried leaves between your fingers the way he had done as they all clung together in the bag, then adding a generous amount to the paper youâd taken out of its flat packaging.Â
âDo you always smoke American spirit?â
âI tend to. Or marlboro. Why?â
You shrug, going back to what youâre doing but you very quickly realise youâll need both hands. Watching him do it, pushing and pinching the thin paper together to tighten the tobacco with two fingers, maybe three at best, was ridiculous.Â
âDo you want me to hold your ice cream?â
At this point, youâre determined to prove both him and you that you can do this, when you know the reality is you canât. Changmin doesnât know that though, and how hard could it be to roll a cigarette, really?
âYou can have it.â
âYou have more than half left,â he frowns, putting his nearly rolled cigarette down on the table as he holds your ice cream, watching you and the way your fingers take both ends of the paper to pinch it together, âis it not good?â
âItâs nice. Itâs not the flavour,â hopefully, he knows to drop the conversation. Though you look up and can tell by his expression that he likely wants to keep asking but you donât see why you should need to justify it.Â
âYou need to⊠no⊠you have too much,â he sighs, wanting to reach over but both his hands are occupied with both of your ice cream cones and so he can only sit trapped wishing to intervene as you try to make adjustments when he complains with no real instructions as to how you can do it better, âyouâve never done this before.â
âSo Iâve been caught,â as if one of the cafe staff had noticed him struggling, they bring over a holder for two ice cream cones that are scattered on a few tables, yours not having been one of them.Â
âThank you,â he redirects his attention to you, hands free, âlook, Iâll teach you,â you scoff, crossing your arms as youâve let go of the damaged bundle of tobacco in a scrunched up paper, looking between its state and back up at Changmin. You didnât want him to teach you anything, because you didnât think he had anything worth showing you. Yet at the same time, you didnât enjoy not knowing how to do something, and if he was willingly prepared to show you how to actually do it, maybe you shouldnât deny him.Â
âI donât really smokeâŠâÂ
âI wonât encourage you to,â he grabs another rolling paper, holding it out to you and you hesitate but ultimately take it between your fingers as he does the same, ignoring his near finished cigarette to start over, âbut I smoke a lot, so Iâll take it off your hands if you donât want it.â
âYouâll get cancer,â youâre disgusted but you donât have much of a right to be. You smoke too and do far worse things. Every party could bring you to the brink of death if you arenât careful enough with what youâre using, and yet youâre telling him heâs risking his life.Â
âThanks, the packaging hadnât told me,â you recognise Changminâs sarcastic tone well by now, given that itâs the tone he mostly spoke to you in, but you also donât retaliate this time. You had nothing to say, nothing to add that wouldnât be another circular back and forth of neither of you ever getting to the point or settling a fight.Â
âThe tobacco is quite tight, so youâll have to loosen it with your fingers a little before you put it on the paper.â
âWhat about the filter?â
âItâs harder to roll with a filter. Try without first,â but youâre stubborn, and you grab a filter and bring it to one edge of the rolling paper before he can take it away from you. Sighing, he relents and grabs one too to demonstrate more accurately.Â
âYouâre ridiculous,â
âAnd I wonât be caught dead smoking a non filtered cigarette.â
âYou should try it. The nicotine high is amazing,â okay, so maybe youâd reconsider. Youâd never thought of it, even if it was obvious, âyouâre curious now.â
âI might be,â Changmin smiles and your cheeks feel a little warmer, but surely itâs the warm coffee and the indoor heating and not the fact that he looked at you with eyes that were gentle, like his happiness in showing you something wasnât structured into an act of false behaviour.
Then you wonder why it makes any difference. If he wasnât being genuine, did it matter?
He leans back over and slips the filter away from your paper, then adjusts and sits up a little straighter before his body moves back into your space to be a little closer to demonstrate.Â
âSo, you loosen some of the tobacco between your fingers. This one is quite dry- and then you bring it onto the paper like so,â you follow his lead, though you couldâve managed this part on your own. This was the one part youâd done correctly without his help, âyou want it to be pretty even but donât worry about it not being perfect.â
âIt has to be perfect,â he sighs, his head rolling down in defeat before he slowly looks back up at you.Â
âPerfection is an unattainable fantasy. Now take your fingers and move them to either edge and pinch while rolling it like so.â
You follow his lead though if youâre entirely honest, you have no idea how he makes it look so easy and effortless. His tobacco bunches together into a beautiful neat line perfectly, whilst yours is a disaster in which it falls or thins out too much on one end. It feels awkward and incorrect, the way you do it, and yet youâre following his exact instructions.Â
âYouâre terrible at this.â
âOr you suck at teaching,â giving up was tempting, but showing Changmin defeat wasnât an option. You wanted to get this, no matter how awful the end outcome would be.Â
âYou have the ends. Move your fingers more into the middle to roll.â
âIt doesnât work like that!â
He looks exasperated, his glasses moving slightly as he raises his brows and huffs out in annoyance at your inability to do something he deemed simple, âyouâre just bad at this. Thatâs okay.â
âAbsolutely not. Iâm not bad at things.â
âJust roll the paper over once you have the right shape. Wet the end and seal it and then you can tap the end against the table,â he shows you how, but he does it so quickly you barely manage to follow his movements. Heâs amazing at it, you do have to admit, but you hate him for it because you want to be better. Itâs irrational, because how realistic is it for you to be better at rolling a cigarette when youâd never done it before, when Changmin had probably done it for years?
âItâs not tight like yours though.â
âJust try. You have the movement right,â but it doesnât feel right. It feels awkward and you might just blame it on your acrylics for not managing, but the end result is so pathetic that youâre surprise the cigarette even holds.Â
âItâs⊠a cigarette.â
âIâm not smoking that,â Changmin doesnât seem surprised, but he does surprise you when he places his perfectly rolled cigarette right before you and takes yours instead, placing it behind his ear before retrieving his jacket and taking his melting ice cream, âyou coming?â
Well, you suppose you were now.Â
You grab the bag with his hoodie in one hand, Changminâs cigarette in the other as you follow him outside, leaving your ice cream to melt before itâs thrown away. Itâs not unnoticed by him either, and he turns around to grab it between his fingers, âif you wonât have it, I will. Youâre wasting money and good ice cream.â
âIâm watching my figure.â
âWhy?â
He holds both cones in one hand with their remnants of sweet gelato, placing his cigarette between his lips and lighting it with one hand turned away from the storm and rain. The shop has an overhang to shield you both from direct downpour, but lighters are stubborn with wind and he seems to know it well.Â
His one worded question seems strange. Itâs not worried, nor is it judgemental. At least you donât perceive it to be. Itâs simply confused, like heâs genuinely surprised that you would even bother at all.Â
âBecause I want to be thin.â
Changmin wants to say something. You can tell he does, that thereâs something right on his lips yet he doesnât speak it. He resists words he probably knows you really donât want to hear. He would be right, because any comments about your body arenât welcomed unless theyâre compliments that remind you of what youâve worked for. All the times you donât eat are rewarded with the acknowledgement of it.Â
âHere,â he holds out his lighter, the flame igniting right by your lips in which the cigarette is perched carefully, and you lean in enough and inhale so that it burns.Â
âThanks.â
âYou really are peculiar,â you donât see how you are. From your point of view, heâs the abnormal one. He dresses cheap despite the school he attends, he doesnât socialise, and he seems so ignorant to his surroundings and the importance of appearance, âI have to go.â
It takes you by surprise. Your thoughts had been so tangled and convoluted that you hadnât seen him take his phone out, much less fumble with the ice cream, his cigarette and the device to answer whoever it was.Â
You wondered who it was.Â
âWho is it?â
You canât help it. Call it morbid curiosity, even in regards to Changmin of all people, âI completely forgot I have a date.â
The thought of anyone going out with Changmin was a concept you werenât ready to wrap your head around, but maybe if it was a girl heâd met online, sheâd based it merely on appearance and even you wouldnât fully be able to say that he was ugly. You knew he wasnât, as much as it pained you to admit he was actually rather beautiful when he didnât open his mouth.Â
âIs she cute?â
âSheâs cute, yeah,â but he doesnât seem excited. It almost feels like an insult to hear how he speaks about the prospect of his date. Were all men like this?
Had Juyeon been so disinterested when he first dated you?
âYouâre going dressed like this?â
âWhatâs wrong with it?âÂ
Boy, he really wasnât trying. It felt near cruel, because you were almost certain that the girl would be beautiful, and even if her physical appearance wasnât as gorgeous, she would make up for it in every way with the way she chose to dress.Â
And Changmin was in casual attire, his hair had fallen to his face and he seemed tired.Â
âPoor girl.â
âItâs really not your business,â and then he discards his cigarette and grabs the bag youâd been holding without warning, practically ripping it out of your hand and the movement feels more aggressive than youâre used to from him. His tone could be harsh but his actions never were, and so it surprised you when he didnât even ask to take it.Â
âThank you for the hoodie.â
He doesnât sound thankful at all. Changmin sounds annoyed, as he throws the little remnants of ice cream cone with next to no ice cream left, in the trash he passes as he walks away from you. You stand there, empty handed aside from the cigarette that was burning but barely smoked, and you honestly feel lost. Youâre strangely confused and unsure, and you really donât quite know why.
You felt like maybe youâd managed to really get under his skin, and if that were the case, you were sure it was the first time youâd ever managed it. Yet youâd expected it to feel different, to frustrate him enough to show true emotion in his anger and discontent towards you.Â
Instead it just felt like nothing.
Youâre not sure what to make of Changmin. But you had bought a packet of loose tobacco and pink rolling paper to fiddle with in the comfort of your large bedroom. You were near naked, just out of your shower and only in underwear whilst you fiddled around with the cigarette in your hand. It was fucking difficult, and youâd probably gone through ten different videos on youtube teaching you how to do it. At least trying to, and each time you just failed to fully do it right.Â
Juyeon had called you and while youâd originally wanted to pick up and even thought to, by the time you made any attempt to move your hands, heâd already hung up.
Chanhee had also called though and you had picked up, asking how he was though he pushed for you to answer first, and you hadnât known what to say. You felt fine yet simultaneously you felt strangely numb. It wasnât that you didnât care, itâs that Juyeon had worn you down. Heâd broken something in you and collecting the pieces wasnât possible because not all parts still existed.Â
Convincing yourself that it was over was difficult when Juyeon was right there to call back.Â
You wanted to.Â
It takes about ten failed attempts at rolling a cigarette before you manage one thatâs just decent enough to smoke, and in your mind you wish to share your success with Changmin, since he was the one that had witnessed your inability to do it in the first place. You wanted to prove a point, as petty and unimportant as it was. You could roll a damn cigarette.Â
But youâd rather roll over in your grave than ask anyone for his phone number. If anyone even had it. Heâd said he was supervising a friend the night you first really spoke to him but youâd yet to see him talking with anyone at all. Who was Changmin friends with, if anyone at all?
The question dwelled on you curiously. You didnât think heâd lied to you that night, you had to at least give him the benefit of his annoying ability to always speak what you assumed to be his truth. He didnât care of the consequence or if it hurt, and you supposed maybe that was where your one similarity lay.Â
If you hurt someone, it didnât really matter as long as it made you look good.
âDear? Could I come in?âÂ
Your mother being home was unexpected. Her knocking on your bedroom door to ask if she could come in was even stranger. It made you worry, and you quickly discarded all your rolled cigarettes in a drawer as well as any other damning evidence aside from the one now considered a masterpiece to show off. You placed it behind your ear and straightened your posture, âyeah?â
âYou need to draw the curtains,â she criticised, walking over to the massive window to give you far more than you bargained for with the natural sunlight despite the depressing clouds, âand we do not smoke indoors.â
âIâm not smoking it!â
âAttitude,â you want to sigh but youâre sure that runs in the same category as what sheâd just warned you about in your tone, so you bite your tongue and just wait to hear what she wants.Â
âIâve been told youâve missed a lot of your classes.âÂ
âBy who?âÂ
âWe had dinner with the Leeâs. Juyeon expressed his concern over you. Why you ever broke up with that handsome young man is beyond me, Y/N,â yeah, it was beyond you too, at this point. Clearly you were the fucking idiot, as everyone so rightfully had begun to assume. Juyeon was the perfect man, one most girls would probably dream of and you had him. You had him, and you wasted the opportunity to be happy with him.Â
And what for?Â
âI know, mother.â
âYou should come with this time. Maybe you can both make up before we go on that lovely vacation together.â
âWhatâŠ?â
She stands by the edge of your bed with condescending eyes that look down on you and make you feel small, which was ironic because your mother was about a head shorter than you and incredibly petite, but her personality was so in your face, her stare so cold that it made you feel like nothing. She made you feel insignificant and she did so perfectly.Â
âDonât tell me youâve already forgotten? Youâve always been forgetful,â you cast your eyes down to your lap, listening to her berate you and having no real way of defending yourself without it earning you a slap or worse.Â
âIâm sorry. Just have a lot on my mind.â
âGo on a walk. You could go to the docks on one of the boats. I donât care. But stop missing classes because I will not have a failure of a child when she gets everything handed to her,â it stings. It really stings to be insulted so genuinely. Your grades were by no means terrible and your mother rarely cared before about any of your stupid behaviour, but you supposed as soon as your mask slipped and you fell towards lower status, she could sense it like a blood hound and she was intent on destroying you to a point in which youâd need to remodel yourself to be perfect again.Â
You were grateful for her, because she knew how to shape you into someone you wanted to be.Â
âAnd invite Juyeon if youâre taking the boat out!â
She leaves without another glance your way and you feel like nothing, but you also call Juyeon, so you suppose her harsh words and loveless demeanour worked. They worked at beating you down and you listened to her, but you couldnât say you werenât at least a little relieved when Juyeon didnât pick up at first.
âWhat?â
Damn it.Â
âYou called me first.â
âAnd now youâre calling me back,â it felt like a game. It was constant at this point and it never felt healthy and yet you knew no better. You werenât dumb but Juyeon had an incredible way of making you appear to be the greatest idiot.Â
âMy mother wants us to take the boat out,â you wait for a response, not hearing one first until thereâs shuffling on the other line.Â
âJust us?â
âWell, she likes you,â you add, which you knew would work well for his bruised ego. Juyeon loved being told he was liked and you knew how to feed into it well. Youâd spent years learning the intricacies that made up Lee Juyeon, and you doubted that would ever fully go away. You werenât sure if you wanted it to go at all.Â
âHave you told her why I havenât been around?â
âYou could always tell her yourself. She hates me enough, you canât make it worse,â you hear him on the other end and you hope he feels bad for you. You want him to, even if itâs just for a little moment.Â
âThatâs just not as fun,â he breaks your illusioned disbelief that he could be sympathetic towards you and you wish yet again for your remaining feelings to go away.Â
Instead, you decide to be stupid and slip up.Â
âI really loved you.â
The silence is so painfully long you could honestly throw yourself out the two story window of the view your mother had just revealed to you moments before.Â
âYou donât love me anymore?â
The way you fell into his traps was so effortless. Juyeon wasnât having to really try and yet you fell right into his hand every time without fail. You were so drawn to him and you couldn't tell for what reason. Because in truth you didnât really see yourself as wanting a relationship with him, he was an asshole and yet you ran in circles because you somehow still liked him despite it all.Â
âJuyeonâŠâ
âDo you love me?â
He asks it again and the question is a demand for you to answer and yet it doesnât come naturally to you the way you want it to. It feels false, maybe because you know youâre walking yourself into a trap. Yet the trap being laid out for you to see doesnât hinder you any less from falling into it because of the reward you see in the midst of it.Â
ïżœïżœI love you.â
âThen why donât we celebrate?â
A yacht party was not at all what you had in mind when celebrating your pathetic attempt at clearing your image by being back on Juyeonâs side. But Juyeon had insisted and your mother had somehow overheard at some point and was practically beaming just at the prospect of Juyeon being back on one of your family boats. Her timing was masterful and you hated everything about it.Â
You also hated the looks you were getting, judgement, whilst Juyeon was on the opposite end of the yacht gleaming and taking in every ounce of sympathy like it fed him. Heâd so graciously forgiven you, told everyone that it was an honest mistake and that he understood you both were over, and now everyone stood at his feet as if ready to do any and all of his bidding.
It was insufferable.
âI think he likes attention more than you,â Chanhee mumbles, standing next to you now with a champagne flute between his delicate fingers and you turn to him with a frown on your face.Â
âI think itâs pathetic.â
âIâd agree,â your best friend leans back a little, staring into the dark water as night time beams above you in the shape of a crescent moon, âbut you go for it every time.â
âIâm not here for a lecture,â you have a sip of your drink, grimacing at the strength of it. Youâd been a little too generous on the rum, even for your standards, but you need the alcohol if youâre going to get through this night out on open water.Â
âHave you seen the new kids?â
Chanhee nudges you towards another direction, one that has two younger men downing a glass of something each, and being urged on to do so by Younghoon and Hyunjae. Juyeon was now talking to a girl you didnât care to know the name of, but he occasionally glanced over too.Â
âFreshmen?âÂ
âMhmm, one of them is kinda cute, no?â
You give your best friend an odd look before glancing back over. They both look young, not older than twenty, playful and energetic and so full of life that you wonder when thatâll go away. You wonder when both of them will realise the world is dark and being so carefree was simply being naive.Â
âWhich one?â
Chanhee gestures to the one on the left, with dark hair and full lips that youâre sure has made girls jealous in the past, and if not jealous, at least more than willing to kiss him. He seemed to know it too, because something about him felt cocky and maybe even arrogant, despite his sweet playful smile and loud laugh that you could hear from this far away.Â
The other, a striking blonde colour of hair that heâd definitely bleached with a sharp pointed nose that seemed surgical, making you wonder if heâd invested in a nose job as soon as heâd turned eighteen. It wouldnât surprise you if he had, for if it was real it was almost absurdly perfect.Â
âJuyeon invited them?â Chanhee shrugs, though given that neither you nor your best friend seemed to have any clue on who they were and had no influence on them showing up, you were almost certain it was Juyeon. It was near confirmed when your recent lover approached the blonde and wrapped an arm over his shoulder, ruffling through his hair playfully though you could see the roughness in his grip.Â
Itâd surely be blamed on boys being boys.
âIâm gonna grab another drink,â you say, and you can see Juyeonâs eyes meet yours as you do. He detaches from the blonde and approaches you, and god do you wish it wasnât noticeable to everyone that he was doing so.Â
âLittle princess,â he leans against the railing, watching as you pour yourself more rum but in truth you are ready to down the whole bottle when he talks to you, âwhyâre you frowning?â
âDid you invite freshmen?â
âWho? Oh- you mean Sunwoo and Eric? I did, yeah. Theyâre cute, right?âÂ
There had to be a motive. You didnât trust Juyeon to have pure intentions and simply so graciously bring a pair of freshmen onto a party such as this. There was no way in hell Juyeon would introduce someone into his social circle without gaining something out of it. Especially someone younger than him.Â
âWhatâre you doing with them?â
âIâm thinking a sex party?â you laugh because itâs absurd, but Juyeon laughs too because heâs managed to humour you and itâs nice. Itâs nice to laugh with someone you consider close, someone that is similar to you and that understands the importance of status and appearance.Â
âNow what is it actually?â
Juyeon looks over, seeing his friends and the two in question playing around with a lighter and the not lit outdoor fireplace. At least not lit yet, given that they were clearly trying. Hyunjae was sat on the circular couch, Younghoon lying next to him, Sunwoo standing and berating Eric who was hunched over trying to light the coal, âhe needs ignition.â
âIâll go grab it for him.â
Juyeon leaves you standing there with a bad feeling. Drunk people around a fire, intoxicated people in general around live flames was a recipe for disaster. Yet you werenât stopping it. Maybe because you knew it wouldnât be you to fall into it.Â
Chanhee had joined them, sat next to Hyunjae with his legs curled under his thighs as he held a new glass in hand, looking so delicate and regal he felt most like royalty out of all of you. He was so beautiful, it made you jealous again. It was worse, too, to know that he had naturally just formed to be this way, whilst your parents had discretely paid for your nose to be fixed, your breasts to be augmented and to have some leftover fat dissolved to appear even smaller.Â
Not that youâd outright admitted it to anyone, though you were sure those whoâd known you long enough, knew that a part of you simply wasnât real anymore, because reality wasnât pretty and you wanted to be.
Juyeon joined them a few seconds after with lighter fluid, thankfully not being too generous with how much he coated the charcoal in. At least he seemed sober, more than anyone else that was sat there, and you watched Eric attempting to light the flames again, this time successful in sparking a fire that jumped high enough to nearly hit his face, making him jump back in surprise and panic at the thought of getting burned.Â
Unbelievable.Â
You walked over to them and sat down at the very edge, Eric turning his attention to you with a bright smile that surprised even you. He seemed energetic and sweet, but why he was so open to you simply coming over was a strange feeling. Juyeon noticed it too, and before you realised, heâd moved to sit between you both.
âAre you jealous?â Juyeon looks at you with a forced smile, shaking his head before having more of his drink and turning his attention to you.Â
âI have no reason to be,â he answers, and you suppose heâs right though just the same you wish for him to be, âIâm not the jealous type.â
It felt like a lie. Juyeonâs characteristics that made up who he was were all fairly negative and jealousy was one of them. But then heâd have ways in which he showed kindness with gentle touches and you fell into it because those touches were warm and those words were sweet.Â
âNot like me, right?âÂ
You attempt a joke you both know to be true. You could easily get jealous, because the prospect of having romantic competition made you feel worthless, like you werenât good enough, and so anger came naturally whenever your worth was threatened.Â
âNot like you,â he has more of his drink and you drown out the conversation, watching the way your best friend cuts up two lines of cocaine with Sunwoo now, as if heâd made a quick natural friend and youâre just at the very edge being forgotten. Itâs the feeling of unimportance and being replaced that bothers you, and instead you focus on the fire right in front of you. Itâs enchanting and beautiful, tempting enough to fall into because itâs warm and inviting.Â
Itâs dangerous too and that isnât lost on you, but you still lean a little closer, being careful to push your hair back whilst you watch the flames. Youâre in a little world, one none of them are in and you honestly donât think they ever really noticed how close youâd gotten to the fire, which ends up being the big mistake.Â
Youâre not sure what happens, but the flames make a crackling sound and the fire rises so incredibly close to your face, you feel the heat sting at your skin. It sends you into high alert and panic, causing you to scream and turn around just quick enough to avoid it burning your face. Unfortunately, the wind and your hair among the flames causes the strands to start burning.
âWhat the fuck, Eric!â
âWe need to put it out!â Chanhee. Thatâs his voice and the only one you can make out. The others barely seem to move and youâre not sure if itâs shock or because they donât care, but Chanhee is genuinely the only one moving at first.
You can feel the way it hurts your skin, but it all happens so fast that the pain barely registers with the way the back fabric of your dress singes.Â
âAre you fucking stupid?â Chanhee, again, but then you feel another force that sends you falling forward and the sound of a fire extinguisher.Â
âYOUâRE NOT MEANT TO USE THAT ON A PERSON!â
So many voices, complete panic and you barely register any of it. You feel dazed, nearly unresponsive and itâs likely the shock settling in that just leaves you numb to it. At least the fire seems to be out, given the darkness that had cast over all of you. Your skin feels cold at first, until you feel a heavy blanket over your shoulder and Juyeon crouches in front of you.Â
Heâs speaking to you, but you really have no idea what heâs saying. Even when he cups your cheeks, itâs completely lost on you. Nothing he says is audible and for just a brief second you wonder if maybe youâd entirely lost your hearing, though you donât see why you would and youâd heard voices just seconds before.Â
You feel him touch your hair and youâre relieved more than anything to know itâs still there at first. The very relief of knowing that makes you want to cry, but you refuse to show any of them that you were scared.Â
âShe needs a hospital. Turn the boat around,â you hate attention like this. When youâre vulnerable, itâs not what you want.Â
âHow bad is itâŠ?âÂ
You sound hoarse, but Juyeon doesnât get time to answer because Eric intervenes with panicked eyes. He looks so genuinely guilty, like a kicked puppy and you know almost immediately that deep down it was likely a genuine mistake. Though it didnât really matter as the damage was done either way, âIâm so, so sorry. Iâm really sorry.â
You donât think you forgive him. Even if he looks sorry, youâre more than a little upset, rightfully so, âI canât believe youâre so fucking stupid. Whoâre you trying to impress, anyway?â
It cuts him, you can tell. That childlike energy that had been there before dies the second you speak to him like he means nothing. Eric looks like he could cry and youâre certain you donât really care but something about his eyes make you feel guilty. And you donât do well with guilt.Â
You force yourself up and away from everyone, pushing past Younghoon harshly because you can see him trying to bite down laughter. Youâre near close to slapping him, but you donât want even more unwanted attention.Â
You hide away in the bathroom and no one seems to follow you first, locking the door after yourself before stripping down to your underwear, discarding your heels and letting your feet rest bare against the tiled interior. Every bit of sound is slowly coming back, and you seem to be returning to your senses as you cast your eyes outside through the small circular window, seeing the distant city and the water break into aggressive ripples of small waves.Â
You run your hands through your hair, trying to adjust the mess that it probably was before you realise that certain strands come to an abrupt harsh stop. It feels uneven, shortened and burned and thatâs when you first notice the smell that becomes so sharp so suddenly that it overwhelms you.Â
You open your palm up to be met with charcoals of black burnt hair that youâd broken trying to brush through it with your fingers and now youâre completely certain that you fucking hate Eric. Heâd ruined your appearance, and itâs only confirmed when you look in the mirror and are met with something so ugly, you could break the glass in front of you.Â
So you do. You break down and shatter the mirror because what you see disgusts you. A part of what had made you so feminine and pretty was scorched unevenly, in parts up to your shoulder, and it was so ugly and heart wrenching you couldâve thrown up just remembering what it looked like.Â
It was so ugly and unattractive and the worst was knowing that everyone else had seen it before you. They had seen it, and said nothing. Juyeon had touched your strands of hair near the root and yet said nothing to indicate that a part of it was missing by the ends of where your hair usually fell.
You canât take seeing it, and in your slightly intoxicated mind it makes you sink enough that you throw up into the toilet, hating yourself more than you ever had. It would take years to grow back the hair youâd lost, and worst was that youâd have to let go of the length that some strands still held. The ones that went unscathed and were still perfect would be lost just the same.Â
It was so embarrassing.Â
Your hand was bleeding, shards of broken glass between the knuckles but you made no attempt to get rid of them. You couldâve been dying and it wouldâve meant nothing to you.Â
A knock on the door snaps you out of your dazed mind but you donât respond. You hope maybe theyâll go away, but then thereâs another knock followed by a third in quick succession, âwant a line?â
Chanhee. You laugh at the way he speaks and then you soften because heâs there, standing on the other side and looking for you. So with the little strength you can bother to conjure up, you unlock the door for him.Â
âHoly shit,â itâs not you being naked that really surprises him, but rather the utter damaged state this room was in, âyour parents are gonna kill you.â
âFuck, I didnât even think about that,â you groan, watching your best friend lock the door once more before grabbing a towel and turning on the faucet, the water presumably cold.Â
âI hear Juyeonâs pissed,â Chanhee starts, and it manages a smile out of you just briefly as he comes over, âEric feels horrible, though.â
âHe should,â you snarl, watching the way Chanhee grabs a pair of tweezers from his purse, disinfecting it with a wipe before grabbing your hand.Â
âShould I book you a hairdresser?â
You know heâs trying to lighten the mood, but you donât find it funny. You donât say anything as he starts to remove some of the glass from your skin, carefully and precise as to not cause you more injury. He seems to get the hint, that youâre not in the mood for anything lighthearted, so he stops and falls silent that only you break after a few minutes.Â
âIâm ugly, Chanhee.â
âDonât be ridiculous. Youâll get a cute haircut and youâll be perfect again.â
Even if that were to be true, youâd never be Chanhee. You felt so jealous, the more you thought of it. So much so, that you wanted to hate him. You wanted to tell him how unfair it was, that he didnât deserve it when you did, but you would never dare to break what made you two so close. You loved him.
âI donât want a haircut. I want my hair.â
âI know,â but he says it like you should know that itâs not an option. You do know, and it makes you want to die inside.Â
Another knock and a voice you make out to be Juyeonâs, so you let Chanhee reach over and unlock the door as a familiar figure leans in with a smirk on his face. Maybe itâs seeing you sat here naked, but you turn your head away to avoid looking at him, âambulance is here. Weâve docked.â
Chanhee finishes getting one more piece of glass out and helps you up, Juyeon handing you your dress and helping you with your shoes, touching your bare legs so carefully that it makes you feel a little shaky. He smiles, looking up at you with sweet gentle eyes that are so unlike him and once again bring in the idea of a motive to your mind, âyour mothers gonna kill you for that glass, by the way.â
Everything else after the boat docked had become a blur. You had some mild burns but your now ruined dress had protected most of the flames before they were put out, so most of the marks were faint angry red shades on your back that would likely fade over time if you kept it well treated and applied an ointment to avoid scarring. Youâd been grateful that it hadnât been worse but the state you were in didnât quite feel better.
Your hand wasnât broken, but one of the gashes had been pretty bad unbeknownst to you and it had needed five stitches, everything being wrapped up in a bandage as you were told to rest a couple of days.Â
Youâd wanted to rest, but the following morning, your mother had other ideas.
âJuyeon tells me you had an accide- my god, what happened to your hair?â
âI burned it off,â came your response, feeling your blanket being ripped away from you, your bare legs being met with the cold air as you tried to adjust your shirt.Â
âWhy in heaven's name would you ever do that?â God, you could laugh. She clearly didnât know you, if she ever thought youâd do such a stupid thing intentionally.Â
âIâll get it sorted,â though youâd made no attempt at making an appointment. As long as the outside world didnât see you, you could be as ugly as you wanted.Â
âYou, young lady, are headed to class,â she slaps the bottom of your leg before running over to your beloved curtains, tearing them open and letting the offensive light blind you, âyouâve missed far too much already.â
âIâd rather die than go looking like this,â you mutter, earning you another slap to your skin that makes you sit up sharply and glare at her with such discontent, she must know that you hate her.Â
âShouldâve made an appointment in the morning then. You can fix it later, but youâre going, now.â
There was no point in arguing. Even with a valid doctor's note, it was pointless. Sheâd make you go to uni and whatever you said would be entirely without point because it wasnât valid. It didnât matter. The best you could do was attempt to look presentable despite your singed hair and then run to your family's go to salon for help right after.
You made sure to wear something revealing. Something hopefully distracting enough so that the hair youâd tied up in a bun, wouldnât be very noticeable. You actually thought you managed to hide it with fair success, but you had to pull out nearly every trick you knew about a tight ballerina bun to hide most of the damage. The biggest issue was the damaged strands being so short in length sometimes, that they kept falling back out and refusing to lay the way you wanted them to.Â
Your mother had already left the house by the time you were ready, in a tight mini skirt and a shirt kept together by string in the middle, showing plenty of skin all the way down to your pierced navel. It was just enough to grab attention away from everything else that needed fixing.Â
Getting to class made you realise just how much people talk. As if the vitriol from Juyeon humiliating you with Changminâs name hadnât been bad enough, now everyone seemed to know about your burns and the bandage on your hand didnât help either. Youâd overheard someone say that they thought youâd gone off the rails, making you shove your shoulder against theirs so that they fell off balance.Â
But that girl hadnât been the only one to say it. It felt like everyone was looking at you again, like this was high school and your dirty little secrets were all exposed to be mocked and tormented until you well and truly became the off the rails mess that they already claimed for you to be. The looks were horrific, but the fake sympathy in trying to speak to you was worse.Â
Though youâd truly wanted to lose it when you overheard the sympathy Eric was getting. How sorry heâd been and how it had been such a horrible accident. How bad he felt, that youâd rejected his apology and been so cruel to him. That you were truly a horrible person. Even if it mightâve been true that Eric felt bad, he had hurt you, and yet no one spared any real empathy for you. No one cared.Â
You had one more class for the day but a long gap in between where youâd need to find something to do, and so you settled on the park nearby with a small lunch and a coffee, having a sip before you reached for the tobacco in your bag.Â
You still wouldnât call yourself a smoker, but you could use one now and it was still practice and improvement from the absolute travesty you had rolled before. Besides, you found it peaceful, to sit there and roll a cigarette to then smoke or save for later.Â
âItâs getting better,â you look up and see Changmin already with a cigarette between his lips, placing it between his fingers to move it down and away from his mouth as he exhales. Heâs dressed warm, in a dark sweater and jeans with a coat over both, his eyes staring at your own as he takes you in, âyou want help?â
âI donât need your help.â
âI didnât ask if you needed it. I asked if you wanted it,â you were struggling and he could tell. Your hand still hurt from injuring it and it made rolling even more awkward, so eventually you relented and just shoved the bag of tobacco out for him to take. He sighs and sits next to you, turning his body a bit towards you as he discards his own cigarette entirely in favour of starting over.Â
âWhyâd you waste it?â
âWell, I figured if I offered it to you, youâd refuse it,â he was right, âIâll roll two.â
Normally youâd be tempted to argue and fight with him using your stuff, but you have no energy and he was kind enough to share with you last time. You watch him, the way his fingers work together to roll the first cigarette, and you canât say youâre not entranced because you are. The way he does it makes it all seem so easy.Â
He seals the first cigarette with his tongue before placing it behind his ear, and you swear for the first time you saw a hint of jewellery, âdo you have a piercing?â
âI have more than one,â he gets to work on the next one, looking over at you briefly as you try not to stare too obviously. Youâd seen the ones on his ear but the one on his tongue had been new to you.Â
âI never noticed.â
âWe donât really talk,â he hands you your cigarette and you nod in thanks, twisting it between your fingers once to inspect it before placing it between your lips. You end up fiddling with your lighter, huffing in frustration each time it refuses to light. The wind worked against you and it seemed low on lighter fluid already, but still you persisted.Â
âHere,â his cigarette is lit, and he places the burning side against yours, âjust inhale.â
You listen to him and the flames transfer to your cigarette when you do, thanking him again, though youâre not sure why he didnât just offer you his lighter instead, âI had it.â
âSure,â you both fall silent again and you must admit itâs getting a little bit annoying to have nothing to really talk about. It seems so pointless, like it holds no real purpose and yet thereâs a comfort in just being sat here and clearing your head.Â
âWhat did you do with your hand?â
âYouâre telling me you havenât heard?â you donât believe it. Changmin might not socialise but he does hear about things. If he didnât, he wouldnât have been so wrapped up in the last one. Or maybe that one only reached him because it directly involved him.Â
âIsnât it better to hear the truth from you?â he surprises you again. You hadnât really thought of it that way. In your eyes, people were always quick to believe what they were told from others whether or not it was the truth. Especially from those whose words held more weight simply because of who they were. And if someone like Younghoon, who you suspected, was running around telling people you were insane, they were bound to believe it without fact checking his claims at all.
âI broke a mirror,â he laughs, as if itâs amusing to hear about your screw up and you wonder if it would be worth hitting him again.Â
âYou really are something else, even for a rich person,â you want to know if that surprises him. If heâs as confused by you as you are by him and his strange behaviour. He seems to bite back less in sarcasm today, but he still speaks like heâs unimpressed, unphased by your violent outburst and rather finding it amusing.Â
You stare at him for a long time, taking in his side profile up close. The way his glasses frame his face, how his dimples arenât as deep but still there because heâs trying to bite back his amusement in a smile that you find pretty, even if you wonât say it. He takes another drag of his cigarette, then turns his attention back to you, though it quickly falls from your face to your hair as he gestures to it, âand this? I donât think Iâve ever seen you with your hair up.â
âYou pay attention to things like that?â
 âUnintentionally, yes.â
âBut you donât notice itâs burnt?â
âOh, no, I noticed it,â of course he did. He was probably waiting for the opportunity to tug your hairpins out so he could see the disaster that is your hair. It probably didnât matter, really, if he saw it, but you liked the belief that you could remain beautiful, at least in someone's eyes, regardless of who they were.Â
Then again, Changmin might not find you pretty at all.Â
âI wasnât meant to come today but my mother told me to. I havenât been able to fix it,â youâre not sure why youâre honest, especially to him, but he doesnât really say anything at first while he continues smoking, âI donât know why Iâm even telling you this.â
âNeither do I,â god, what an asshole. He simply couldnât keep his mouth shut and accept it, âis it true a freshmen burned it off?â
âSo you did hear about it?â
âI saw him getting coddled in the hallway. I think a girl brought him flowers,â of course she did. He gets flowers and you get to drop a couple of hundred at the hairdresser to salvage whatâs left. Youâre not even sure you want to go at all and be faced with the vitriol.Â
âI really donât need our family hairdresser to tell the whole community about my hair being charcoal black because of a drunk night out.âÂ
âYou have a family hairdresser?â itâs like itâs the most absurd thing youâve said, stranger than your hair being burnt by an open flame, or the fact that you smashed a mirror and your mother dragged you out anyway, or the countless other things, actually, that youâd said and he hadnât really cared to comment on.Â
âYou focus on the wrong things.â
âAnd all you focus on is superficial at best,â you wonder what he considers the worst, âso youâre not going to get it fixed?â
No, you are going to get it fixed. Thatâs what you want to tell him, that of course youâre going to drag your ass there right after your final lesson is over. That itâll be perfect again tomorrow and you will be perfect and you can forget all about it. Maybe you can even forgive Eric if youâre feeling extra generous, although you donât think you will be.Â
âI will. I just⊠have to find another hairdresser. I donât really know how to do that.â
âGoogle it?â you grimace, eyeing him strangely yet he looks at you like you have three heads. Like something is seriously wrong with you and you wonder if heâs right or if he just has no concept of the real world.
âI donât want them to say something.â
âI doubt they care,â Changmin offends you, but he says it nonchalantly and casually as he puts out his cigarette and discards the filtered end, âlet me do it.â
âIâd rather die than let you touch me,â itâs a quick answer, snapping back at him with determination because you really would rather sign an early death than let him any closer than he already is just sitting here next to you.Â
âBut I donât care about how ridiculous you might look,â so he admits you probably look insane. You know better than to believe that he wouldnât laugh at you, yet you also wonder if maybe that was better than it being spoken around your closed community and bringing embarrassment to your parents for your drunk failings. They didnât care what you did if it didnât affect them, yet this might and therefore it became a bigger problem.Â
âDo you even know how to cut hair?â
âHow hard can it be?â
âAbsolutely not,â you think thatâs the end of it, but you hadnât known Changmin to be so determined with something such as this, for he seems persistent in making a case for himself as he turns to you fully.Â
âI think you should think about it.â
âYou could make it worse. You have no idea what youâre doing and you hate me too,â he doesnât disagree with it, though he does seem to think. Perhaps another way of making his case though you really donât know what could convince you when you had money at your fingertips to even fly halfway across the globe for someone to fix it for you.Â
Which, actually, mightâve not been a bad idea. No one would know you abroad.
âI wouldnât cut it any more than where the strands are burnt.â
âNo.â
âFine, at least let me see it.â
âAbsolutely not,â he huffs like a child, watching the clouds pass while the sky dims to a depressing grey, indicating rainfall. You donât need to be laughed at, especially by someone lesser than you.
âI have to go,â you want to ask him how his date went. You remember it now that he goes to leave. Yet you also know not to ask him. The last thing you wanted was his assumption that you might be interested in him, âyou can think about it.â
âI donât think I will.â
âSuit yourself, little doll,â he leaves you alone and you simply stay sat with a frown on your face until the raindrops start falling and youâre forced to go inside.Â
They had all been right. Youâd lost your mind, completely, because the hairdresser you had found completely destroyed your ends even more and you refused to let yourself be seen by anyone until it was fixed. Like a dog with his tail between his legs, you drove to university without the intent of actually going to class, but rather waited like a stalker for Changmin to appear at some point, because he had to, right?
It took far longer than youâd hoped, because the first time he had appeared, there were far too many people around for you to give in to his suggestion of doing it himself, but turns out paying for it to have it done professionally hadnât done much of a difference and had been far from worth it.Â
The second time he came out, he had his nose in a book and was barely watching where he was going, and you figured it would be the perfect time to step out and talk to him. Youâd still dressed up, albeit not as much as you usually might to avoid detection, when you approach him and stand right before him.Â
âSorry,â he mumbles, his head not moving up to look at you as he keeps walking. You felt ridiculous chasing him, but you grabbed his shoulder and stopped him in his steps, finally looking up to face you, âoh, itâs you.â
âWhat do you mean, oh?âÂ
âExactly what it sounds like. What the fuck happened to your hair?â Changmin asks, seeing that you kept it out but hidden under the hood of your jacket, and he could still see the damaged parts as youâd eventually gotten up mid hair appointment to leave before she could finish and do any worse.
âSomeone fucked it up, obviously. Are you stupid?â
âNo, but your insults when you want something from me are a poor choice,â you cross your arms, standing straighter to look down on him, heels just tall enough to do so while he adjusts and closes his book, âso, what is it?â
âI⊠need your help,â fuck, that pains you. It really kicks your ego and confidence to have to ask something of him. Well, not that you had to, but you were refusing the family hairdresser even more now and if Changmin fucked up too, at least his services were free.Â
âYou want my help?â
âYou offered it,â you bite back, but he doesnât seem pleased. If he was taking his offer back, you felt like he should just say so, but instead he was smiling as he lit a cigarette.Â
âThat I did,â he was so cocky, it reminded you of Juyeon, âI guess I could give it a try.â
âYou said you would.â
âI said I can do it if youâd like me to try.â
âAnd Iâm telling you to.â
âBut you should be asking me.â
âChangmin, you think I havenât been through enough embarrassing shit because of you? You owe me this fucking favour before I break your neck with my heel.â
He stops entirely, eyeing you up and down briefly before he finally settles on your eyes again. Itâs a little intimidating to have him stare at you so intently, but you refuse to show discomfort and stand your ground. He fucking owed you this and you knew that he did. He did owe it to you, at the very least for the rumour involving you and Juyeon.
âOkay, sure. But Iâm driving.â
He discards his cigarette and holds out his hand for the key, and you really think heâs joking before he gives you another look telling you to hurry up.Â
âAre you serious?â
âThink of it as payment,â itâs crazy to you but you ultimately agree. Curse you for not using your driver for one day, but why should you when you werenât even planning to attend classes. It just left another witness to tell your parents that you had been faltering in the one thing they expected you to do well on.Â
âI hate you,â his hands hold the key to your Mercedes and he seems content, and you watch as he steps up inside your car so carelessly that it makes you nearly cry out to tell him off.
When you get in, he leans over and places his bag down by your feet and you note that same cologne that had sat on his hoodie that you took so long ago. A creature of habit, whereas you went through various perfumes depending on the type of outfit you were wearing.Â
âCan you be more careful? The interior is custom.â
âOf course it is,â he adjusts the seat and you realise what a bad idea this really was because everything he changes now, youâll have to change back, but it was too late. He settled and reversed the car far faster than you wouldâve liked, barely looking in his rearview mirror to see if heâd hit someone.Â
âDo you even know how to drive?â
âItâs an automatic. Even an idiot can drive one. Exhibit A,â he looks at you and you ignore it by looking ahead before he abruptly hits the breaks because someone crosses the parking lot completely unexpectedly, âgod, some people just want to die.â
âDo you even have a licence?â
The silence confirms your expected fear and you cannot believe you just put your life in his hands. You wish you could hit the brakes, but heâs turned into the main road and now youâre wondering if youâve well and truly lost your mind. You can practically hear Chanheeâs voice berating you for the insanity that youâre currently in.Â
âWhere am I going, by the way?â
âI guess my house,â he sighs, and your hand instinctively falls to the wheel to pull him more to the right to avoid the left lane.
âYeah, and where is that?â
âOh, right. Iâll write it in the nav,â he scoffs like itâs absurd, but youâre not really in the mood to give instructions and honestly you didnât think youâd be very good at it. You knew the way well and your mind would naturally think where to turn without saying it outloud.Â
âYouâre driving too fast,â at this point youâd fully accepted your potential demise, because making him pull over seemed like an almost worse idea at this point.Â
âI thought it was sixty.â
âItâs fifty,â you answer him, and at least he listens and slows down, maybe because being caught meant youâd both be in horrific trouble.Â
Thereâs no music and the silence in such close proximity isnât exactly your idea of fun, but itâs becoming a little more familiar than youâd like to be like this with Changmin. It wasnât that you liked him or enjoyed his company, but the way you both sat together without speaking had become a little common, at least enough that you found it to be okay.Â
âThis cannot be real,â he mumbles, the gates to your community closed before you hand him the keycard. He looks at it like itâs alien, but he opens the window and reaches for the keypad to open the gate, âI actually hate rich people.â
He doesnât sound genuine, more baffled if anything as he drives in and over to your house. His eyes just widen more as he parks outside the front steps leading to the massive entrance door, but youâre more relieved that you survived driving as a passenger with someone that had no right to even take you anywhere with a car, âI was gonna say park in the garage but I suppose you can leave it.â
âI think Iâm good, yeah.âÂ
You step out with him, taking the key back as soon as he lets it dangle between his fingers for you to take, and you walk in with him and greet one of your cleaners that seems more than a little surprised to see you with someone. Normally you might make an attempt to hide who you were with, but she was nice and didnât speak often, especially to your parents unless it was work related, so you knew her to not be the type to say something.Â
You really hoped, anyway, or you were definitely fucked.Â
âDo you have scissors for cutting hair?â
âI think we do somewhere. Iâll ask someone,â though Changmin doesnât seem to be listening, because his eyes are cast elsewhere and you notice your little ragdoll perched on the railing and looking at him with curious eyes.Â
âOh, look at this little cutie,â he approaches her carefully, holding his hand out gently but she seems more than a little excited, which you find unusual, though maybe she sensed his compliment to stroke her little ego.Â
âThought you didnât like cats?â
âHow can I not when I see this little dear, hmm?âÂ
She purrs in response, pushing her head up into his palm as he scratches her ear, and you nearly roll your eyes at seeing her unusual affection. She liked Chanhee, sure, but even that had taken some time, but with Changmin sheâs practically on his lap within the first minute.Â
âDo you have any treats for her?â
âSure, theyâre in my room. Or the kitchen.â
He follows after you, the little lady prancing after him like sheâs straight out of the aristocats, elegant in how she moves and so confident in her step. Lady really is a diva.
âTheyâre on the desk,â you gesture over to the corner and Changmin moves over to find them, but heâs slow and looking around like heâs taking it all in. It leaves you a little vulnerable, only because the way youâve decorated is a look inside who you are, feminine and expensive, with simple colours and beautiful plants and endless books that are overflowing on your shelf.Â
âI didnât know you read.â
âYou donât know anything about me.â
âI know youâre a pain in my ass. Here you go, darling,â he crouches down, holding out a treat for your cat while you open a window. She seems pleased, tapping his hand for more with her little paw and even you admit itâs a cute display of affection from her.Â
âIâll look for the scissors.â
Changmin doesnât answer, busy being loved by a cat and so you leave them both while on the hunt for some scissors. In the end, you ask one of the cleaners if heâd seen any around while finishing up your parentsâ bathroom and to your surprise the search is successful when you go through one of the drawers.Â
You pass the kitchen and grab a bottle of water from the fridge, one for Changmin too because you hadnât asked and you were not prepared to walk back downstairs again in case he wanted some. That, and you brought a packet of gummy bears, not for you but him, and then came back upstairs to see Changmin still on the floor waving a string with a little tiger on the end that Lady was chasing relentlessly.Â
âI found them,â he looks up at you and she takes the opportunity to pounce on the toy, dragging it between her claws as he tries to push against her, âI also have water.â
âVoss?â
âYeah?â
âIsnât that overpriced tap water?â
âTap water tastes like blood. This is citrusy,â you hold it out to him, and he takes it despite his apprehension.
âPut a lemon in it,â he says, before adding, âand why do you know what blood tastes like?â
âWhy do you not?â
He gets up while you rummage around your room, moving your chair right in front of your mirror to give you a view of what heâs doing, âI might need wine, on second thought.â
âIâm not going to ruin your hair any more than it already is,â at least he acknowledges the horrific state it was in, but you knew that, âdid the hairdresser cut it that weirdly?âÂ
âI didnât let her finish. Look at this,â you show him one of the butchered strands and even Changmin looks more than a little shocked that a professional had done such a horrific job.
âIâll have to cut quite a lot. You realise that, right?â
You did. Of course you knew your once beautiful long hair would be no longer than right by your shoulder and that fucking shattered your heart and confidence, but you could not keep it like this either and magically having longer hair again wasnât happening without a wig or extensions.Â
âI wonât cut before you tell me itâs fine but a lot of it is still burnt up to about⊠here,â he gestures to your collarbone, though heâs careful not to touch you. Maybe he knows you wonât like it and heâs right, you wouldnât like it, but you were surprised by his way of keeping boundaries.Â
âIf you manage to do this well Iâll buy your groceries for a week,â Changmin perks up, like he hadnât expected it but they were words he was happy to hear. Almost like he needed it.Â
âI wouldnât mind that,â and now your mind wandered again, because heâd insisted he had at least some money and yet he made it sound like he was struggling just to buy some food. Though you try not to dwell on it as you grab your hairbrush to gently get the knots out of your hair.
âI really donât want you to cut more than you need to.â
âI already told you I won't,â heâs getting frustrated, you can tell, but you want to make sure he gets it. If he didnât listen to you, it would be so much worse and youâd be absolutely destroyed, and Changmin likely wouldnât care because it didnât affect him.Â
âOkay, so I have a plan,â he says, and even those words cause you worry but youâre willing to hear him out before you both commit, âIâll just cut all the long hair thatâs left up until slightly above your chest and then Iâll actually be neater and more precise with whatâs left to work with thatâll get rid of all the burnt hair.â
Not a terrible plan, actually. Itâs not like heâd have to be neat cutting up to a certain point if it wasnât going to stay. It would be a waste of both your time if he did it that way, âokay, weâll try that.â
âDo you want any music?â Changmin asks you, your cat jumping up onto the bed to perch herself on the edge and watch the way you both move and speak. You wonder if she can tell you both dislike each other, or if she thinks maybe thatâs a friend. It makes you curious to know how cats think, but that was a whole other thought process that you were honestly too sober to consider really having.Â
âI can turn some on,â you connect your phone to your speakers, pressing the shuffle button and leaving it on one of the coffee tables you had next to the mirror full of perfumes and some accessories.Â
You take a seat and place a towel that youâd gotten around your back and a little towards the front of your body, adjusting your back so itâs straight as Changmin stands behind you. You watch him in the mirror, the way he studies your hair and seems to be contemplating on how to best approach it. It makes you nervous, and once again youâre wondering when you became this insane.Â
âOkay, Iâll just start cutting.â
âOkay.â
You both fall silent, though youâre left still staring at him in the way you both reflect before you amongst a few polaroids stuck on your mirror. Your heart picks up when you feel his fingers brush the back of your neck as he takes some of your hair between his fingers, but you push it away and try to focus on something else. Anything else.Â
The first strands of hair fall and you feel like crying. You see the way they end up on the floor, how they lay there and you feel terrible. It feels like youâre ripping away a big piece of yourself and you didnât wish for it to ever happen.Â
âI canât believe Eric did this to me.â
âWasnât it an accident?â
âI donât care,â you snarl, crossing your arms and watching him cut away more and more pieces. For a second you wonder if heâs cut too much but he seems to know how to read your mind because he brings whatâs left of it to the front of your body so that you can see its length, most of it the promised length heâd agreed on with you aside from the bit of hair that was already ruined or made shorter before he ever got to it.Â
âIf it helps, I think short hair might suit you,â might. Not that it would, that it might, and that really doesnât sit well with you, because what if it doesnât?
âShort hair isnât pretty on women,â you tell him, but he looks entirely perplexed at your statement, as if he finds it to be absurd.
âAccording to who? You?â
âEveryone,â a lot of men, mostly, and some women. Juyeon didnât like it either, you knew that. Heâd told you once when one of your female acquaintances had cut her hair and he looked at her like sheâd grown two heads.Â
âI think some women look better with short hair,â he tells you but you donât really buy it. Then again, you donât really know Changminâs type, and once again youâre reminded of his date. Maybe you could ask now, right?Â
âDid your date have short hair?â
Subtle. You could laugh at yourself, laugh at how pathetic youâd become and how Changmin was often the reason for your downfall. Of course he was, and you cursed yourself for ever agreeing to kick him out of that forsaken party months ago.Â
âShe did not, no. Unless you consider a little over the shoulder short.â
âI do,â he sighs again and maybe you want to smile because honestly, it is a little funny at this point, how quick he is to be annoyed and how quick you are to be the same, âdid it go well?â
âDo you really want to know about my dating life?â
âIâm just trying to make conversation,â you lie, because honestly you were really curious to know. You wanted to know what she looked like, if she was beautiful, more so than you.Â
âIt was fine. Didnât really have much chemistry,â he tells you, adjusting his glasses briefly as he dusts off some of your cut hair from your back.Â
âYou mean like sexually?â
âWhat? No. I mean in general. Chemistry isnât just sex,â to you, it was most of it. At least you believed it to be. Good chemistry came from desire and lust, which is why you and Juyeon had worked so great when you were in love. You wanted to answer, maybe even defend yourself where he didnât know you had to, but instead you kept your mouth shut, âIâm going to cut more now.â
âA lot?â
âI think if I play my cards right, itâll just about be touching your shoulder,â he answers you and you agree, sighing as you adjust the way you sit again and watch him in the mirror.Â
You watched the way he concentrated, how he bit his lower lip and occasionally adjusted his glasses if he leaned forward too much. He seemed so intent on doing well that it calmed you just a little. At least he would try, you assumed, and all youâd have to do in return was get his groceries.Â
You were both silent for a long time, simply watching his hands move between strands of hair, trying not to tug too much or break off more hair with what was burnt. The music wasnât overbearingly loud, and your cat was soft asleep now, sprawled out comfortably in your duvet. It was all very peaceful, strangely so.Â
You came to realise even more in such silence that Changmin really was just so pretty.Â
âYouâre staring at me,â he tells you, not once making eye contact with you and yet heâd caught you.Â
âWhat am I meant to look at?â
âI was only telling you.â
âDoes it bother you?â
He stops, meeting your eyes in the mirror and suddenly you look away, âno, I donât really care.â
You both fall silent again and you watch as he fixes the broken ends and frowns when it doesnât seem to be going how he wants it to. Seeing him concentrate is a little amusing, because his nose occasionally scrunches and he lets out a little breath of air in annoyance when it just doesnât work.Â
âDid you ruin it?â
âDo you really want the truth?â
âChangmin, what the fuck did you do?âÂ
He laughs, and it sounds so happy and amused you turn around and hit his arm, making him jump back and hunch over even more to clutch his stomach while he chuckles. You want to know what the hell is so funny when heâs potentially done worse to you, but he doesnât say a single word.Â
âChangmin!â
âItâs nothing. I just find your lack of faith in me hilarious,â your arms cross and some of your hair falls to your face, but to your surprise it seems shockingly neat.Â
âI was just going to say that I was right. Short hair suits you,â you heart lurches forward again and youâre stunned on what to say. Itâs clear to you that itâs a compliment and maybe an attempt at making you feel far better, but all it manages to do at first is make you feel more vulnerable. Heâs the first to see you like this and heâs not turning away from it or insulting you the way you wouldâve insulted yourself. Heâs kinder to yourself at this moment than you would ever be, and it doesnât even feel forced.Â
You donât know what to say.Â
âYou donât need to say that. Weâre not friends,â he looks exasperated, like heâs near given up on ever being kind to you and you hope he truly stops trying. You donât want to be friends, and while youâll admit heâs not been as bad as you mightâve initially presumed, you would never want to speak of this after.Â
âI think itâs nearly done.â
âAre you sure?â Changmin looks at you through the mirror, his eyes finding yours so quickly it makes you stop and stare back at him with strange interest.Â
âMhmm, whereâs your hairbrush?â you hand it to him and he thanks you, brushing through the strands with a gentle touch youâve never even given yourself. Heâs so careful, like he truly doesnât want to hurt you, and youâre not really sure when that became important to you but it makes you smile, âI think I should change majors.â
You know heâs teasing though his confidence leaves you curious. From what you can see, it isnât terrible, but you have yet to see the full result and itâs scary to realise that your hair no longer reaches very far. Youâre not even sure how the hell youâre going to style it when you have to have it up, or want to. In the end, maybe you would need extensions.Â
âDo you have any hair oil?â
âI canât believe you know what that is,â you get up, intentionally ignoring the mirror to stare back as you move to your bathroom, rummaging through one of the drawers before you find the serum youâre looking for, bringing it over to him, âhere.â
He nods, standing in front of you and you donât make an attempt to move. You let him reach for your hair behind your ear, bringing it forward between his delicate fingers with the oil youâd brought him, bringing it to your short ends and you simply let him. Heâs never been this close to you, you donât think, but it surprises you how it doesnât make you grimace and want to turn away. Changminâs in your space, but he isnât invasive with it either, so very careful with his movements like heâs wondering when youâll actually shrink away.Â
âDone,â okay, fuck, now youâd have to look. It would either make you want to curl in on yourself or youâd be content to deal with it, even if you hated the short hair either way. You were already prepared to not like it, but you turn around and it hits you again.Â
âI hate it,â Changminâs face briefly falls, maybe with worry or just genuine upset because it sounds like an insult towards him. Itâs the very first time where your heart sinks because you feel bad for making him believe heâd done something horrific when heâd helped you. He looks so genuinely pained, almost like heâs afraid that youâll turn violent for what heâd done, and how truly sorry he looks makes you feel awful.Â
âIâm sorry,â you shake your head, turning back to him so you can avoid the mirror, and you make an effort to look into his dark brown eyes framed by his glasses, the softness in them not going unnoticed by you. The way he looks like heâs ready to walk out with a knife in his back.Â
âNo, I just⊠I hate having my hair short,â you attempt, awkwardly reaching for his arm in an attempt to make it better, but itâs awkward for you both and so you remove your touch and look back at him instead, âI think you did great, Changmin.â
âYou can be honest.â
âI am. I think itâs really neat,â which was true. Heâd cut it precise and straight just along your shoulder and nothing seemed out of place. It was hard to believe heâd never done this before.
âI should get going,â thereâs a voice in the back of your mind offering him to stay a little longer, but your mother could be home at any point and you knew very well that she wouldnât like Changmin at all, even if heâd done you a favour.Â
âWaitâŠâ he stops, his jacket just pulled over one of his sleeves as he looks at you, âwhat about your groceries?â
âForget it, itâs fine,â heâs upset. Something is on his mind and you want to know what it is. You donât really believe him to be the type to be so hung up on one of your insults. Heâd never been before, and some had been far worse than this, and yet heâd never been so quiet towards you.Â
âNo, I think I should,â you reach for your purse and while you can tell he wants to leave, he doesnât walk out. He waits for you to gather your things and then stares at you.Â
âI really donât need your charity.â
âItâs not charity. You cut my hair,â he looks like he wants to agree with you. Like he knows that he did and yet he doesnât really want to acknowledge it.Â
âFine.â
It was already late in the evening when you got to the store, not realising how time had slipped away from you both while you were at home. Youâd thought Changmin had been quick, but reality had been different and time had simply flown away from you.Â
âThis place is expensive.â
âIs it?â you shrug, never having thought of it as you step out of the car, waiting for him to follow suit though he hesitates for far longer before he finally comes out of the car, approaching you with apprehension, âdoes it matter? Youâre not paying for it.â
Changmin huffs, nails digging into his knuckles while he stares ahead at the store in front of you. You werenât ready to admit to him that you hadnât done groceries in years because it was always done for you, and you were not going to admit that the corner store when you were missing some snacks was as far as shopping for food went for you.Â
âI donât need you to spend money on me.â
âI doubt Iâll notice itâs gone,â he scoffs, clearly unimpressed as he walks with you. You donât like it, because it feels like heâs looking down at you again, like youâre lesser than him when that has never been the case. You donât understand the issue or why it should even concern him if youâre spending your allowance on him, but for some reason it does.Â
âYou realise the problem with that, right?â
âWhat problem?â
His kind eyes are gone, replaced with the ones you know far better. The eyes that judge you, that see you as frustrating and annoying, the ones that hate you and think youâre unimportant. You hate that gaze, the way he looks at you, and yet it doesnât go away, nor does it fade in intensity, even while you watch him grab a shopping cart and step inside because you simply refuse to do it yourself.
âWhat would you like?â
âI havenât really thought about it,â he starts, clearly in thought before he adds, âI need cat food.â
It catches you off guard. Changmin feels selfless, in that regard. How his first thought for what he needs isnât for him at all but rather his pet. It makes you look at him differently, even just for a moment.
âThatâs at the back.â
He follows you, completely silent and now it feels awkward again. Itâs almost amazing how quickly you both revert back to this.Â
âWhat does he eat?â
âHe likes tuna,â he reaches for something, a packaged box of cat food with an assortment of different flavours and you grimace.Â
âIs that good for him?â
âItâs all I can afford,â he snaps back, putting it in the cart but you donât seem pleased. If he had a cat, he should at least put in the effort to feed him well. Youâd never understand pet owners who practically fed Mcdonaldâs to them in jelly form.Â
âIâm paying for it.â
âAnd Iâm not changing his diet for a week or two just because itâs not on my dime,â well, you lost that argument, albeit begrudgingly because you didnât agree with it.Â
âCan I at least choose some treats for him?â
âDo whatever you want, princess,â you freeze up, briefly reminded of Juyeon and his voice and the way he calls you princess. How thatâs his thing to do, not Changminâs, nor anyone elseâs. You didnât want anyone else to call you that, yet you were so frozen in place by surprise that you couldnât tell him to stop. Instead, you fall silent and pick something out for him that you hope heâll like, placing it in the cart before you follow Changmin to another aisle.Â
You donât speak to him for a while, and itâs so awkward to watch him find random things, and even worse when he finds something only to put it back because the price makes him do a double take. And each time you make an attempt to offer to get it anyway or tell him it really doesnât make a difference to you, he gives you a look of such discontent, like he wants you to keep your mouth shut and it surprises even you that you do.Â
You were stubborn and werenât one to back down, and yet you would find it so embarrassing if an argument ensued between you both in public. It was bad enough that you were both together with the potential risk of someone you knew seeing it, but even worse if you brought on that attention through your disagreements when you couldâve avoided it.Â
âI think Iâm done,â you look down at all the items and frown, wondering how the hell thatâs meant to last a week. It makes you think again, if he really could make this last for a while or maybe he just really didnât want to live off your dime and youâre not so sure what bothered you more.Â
âDo you not eat?â
âComing from you?â
Another insult and it leaves you angry, but you also wonder if heâd noticed. If he had, you wondered how. If he was simply attentive or watching you constantly when you werenât looking like some creep, âI eat.â
âIâd hope so,â you want this evening to be over. It would be nice to go home and curl up in your bed, to maybe call Chanhee and hear your best friendâs voice, to maybe text Juyeon to get a goodnight that was kind and sweet, to maybe ask Hyunjae if he was planning a party any time soon so that youâd have something new to look forward to and redeem yourself and your reputation.Â
âThereâs nothing else you want?â
âNope,â you look down at all heâd chosen again and it just doesnât sit right with you, but you donât say anything else. Itâs none of your business, how he chooses to consume his meals or what his motive or intentions are in not taking advantage of you buying everything for him, but it feels like an insult to you and your money that heâs not using it properly.Â
It also bothers you, how heâd seemed enthused earlier at the prospect of you getting groceries for him, how heâd even laughed while doing your hair and how when he'd smiled it even reached his eyes, only to stand here with him now and see the way his eyes seem lifeless, how his smile has faded and he seems so miserable and over being around you.Â
âFine,â is your answer, cold just like him as you both go to the check out, paying for all his things whilst he packs them up. Youâre both so silent, the woman scanning all his items gives you both a look, as if she knows youâre both fighting and can feel the tension between you both.Â
You donât end up spending much at all, far less than youâd expected, and yet when you try to pay, Changmin steps up to you, âIâll just get it.â
âNo, I want to get it,â you push him away from you, but he surprises you in his strength and resistance, barely moving an inch while you try to tap your watch against the card machine.Â
âI donât want you to.â
âI said I would!â you snap and he finally stops fighting you, maybe in his shock because youâve raised your voice publicly, but you manage to pay and the woman gives him a sympathetic look with kind eyes as if to tell him sheâs sorry for your behaviour.Â
Itâs silent as you both go to the car but you can feel his anger radiate off him. You already know he might snap, the question is what his anger will look like. Youâre not afraid of it or Changmin, because while you donât know him well, you donât believe heâd hurt you in frustration. But you do wonder what heâll say, if anything at all.Â
You try to ignore him by drowning it all out with music, occasionally glancing over at him though heâs on his phone not paying attention to you. It was like having a random strange man in your car, one that wouldnât take any time to get to know who he was even with, but you supposed that was better than the alternative.Â
âI donât know your address,â you tell him eventually, realising you were just heading back to your place when you should very likely be going a whole other direction.
âDrop me anywhere. Iâll take the bus.â
âIâm already driving,â he sighs, but he doesnât fight you either, reaching over to the touch screen in the centre of your car to find the navigational system so that he can type in his address. You knew the area by name, though youâd never done more than pass it by. When you were younger, your parents had insisted on avoiding places such as the one you were now going to, for it was full of criminal activity and rather dangerous at night. At least so they said.Â
âThank you for helping me,â it takes a lot for you to say it, so you hope at the very least heâll realise how difficult it is for you and to appreciate that you managed to say it anyway. He doesnât react at first, looking outside into the dark, up at the city lights and the way everything reflects, but eventually he pays attention to you again when the trees get boring and a droplet of rain falls onto the window.Â
âItâs nothing.â
âYeah but⊠you didnât laugh at me.â
âThere was nothing to laugh at,â he made things difficult. It was hard to speak to him, sometimes moreso, because he just seemed so indifferent when you didnât want him to be. You also knew him to be different, just sometimes, because youâd had little glimpses of it, and you wondered where they went when he stopped smiling.Â
âJuyeon wouldâve found it hilarious.â
âIâm not Juyeon,â he interrupts angrily, this time turning his head to look at you properly and it distracts you. You were near certain though youâd gotten no real confirmation that they didnât like each other at all, and yet his instant protest made it far more evident than youâd presumed it to be.Â
âYou make him sound like a bad person.â
âIf he wouldâve laughed at you, then isnât he?â
No. You want to say no. Juyeon was flawed but not bad. He was always so kind to you, until the moments in which he wasnât but you knew how to ignore those for the good things you got. But then you wondered why youâd broken up at all if he was what you wanted. It was hurting your head to think about it, to think about Juyeon was always so complicated and painful, yet here you were again wondering if you could ever have him back.Â
âHeâs not that bad.â
âRight,â youâre not sure why you wanted him to fight with you. To tell you youâre wrong, that Juyeon was fucking terrible and destroyed every little bit of confidence within you so that he could mold it back together into the perceived beauty that he wanted. Until you were created to be only his.Â
Youâre not sure why you want Changmin to say it, because you know youâll resist him anyway.Â
âWhy do you care?â
âI donât, really. I just donât get it. Iâll never understand wanting to be hurt by someone you think should love you,â you fall silent first. You want to defend Juyeon but youâre not sure how to do it without sounding pathetic.Â
âHe does love me,â Changmin doesnât say anything else. He rolls down your car window and lights a cigarette without even asking if he can though you say nothing about it. Maybe you might normally, but you stop yourself this time because your thoughts are muddled and youâre not sure you can even really think.Â
âItâs just here,â he breaks you out of your thoughts and you park just a bit down the road where thereâs space, watching him get out of the car but you stay put at first. You feel a little numb, frozen even, though when he opens the trunk of the car, you finally snap out of it and follow after him.Â
âYou donât need to help me,â you donât listen to him, grabbing one of the bags before shutting the back of your car and looking at him expectantly, âyouâre not coming inside.â
âFine.â
Youâre a little disappointed. Mostly because your curiosity has grown and you really want to meet his stray cat, but Changmin seems determined to keep you away from the little furball, ânext time then.â
He seems as surprised as you by your words, although deep down you think you both know theyâre not meant. You likely wonât ever be here again, and so the final steps to the front door of the apartment complex is all youâll ever get a glimpse of into his life. You wonder how he lives, what it looks like, if itâs neat or cluttered, dark or bright.
You wonder if his interior reveals his interests and hobbies, or if itâs monotone and hard to decipher. You realise you wonder so much in this moment, about Changmin and who he is, what heâs really like away from what you see. But maybe whatâs inside is too vulnerable for him to reveal, that he keeps it to himself because it feels safer.Â
You wonder even if just for a moment, what it would be like to get to know him beyond you both standing here in the light rain. Â
âWell, thank you for the groceries,â you hold the last bag out to him for him to take and he does, leaving you to stand there with no real purpose other than to look at him.Â
âYeah⊠of course,â you donât know what youâre saying. Youâve forgotten how to formulate a sentence and it feels suffocating to stand here with him. You really want to leave, though not because you detest Changmin in the way you might sometimes believe, but rather because it feels so strange to just stand there with him, with no real purpose or gain out of it, âgoodnight Changmin.â
He nods, reaching for his key rather awkwardly and youâd help if it didnât mean reaching into the pocket of his jacket. You watch him struggle though he manages eventually, turning only briefly before he ultimately sighs, âI should walk you to the car.â
You want to ask why until you remember what your parents had said. Maybe they were right, that it really was unsafe and Changmin knew it too, âIâll be fine.â
âI donât care,â he puts his bags down in the hall right next to the door, letting it fall shut after him as he comes back down the steps to where you stand to begin the short journey back to your car. Itâs so awkward between you both, so painfully silent and you think back to the woman at the grocery store again, the way sheâd stared at you both.Â
âWell, I survived the walk to my car,â you think you see a faint smile on his face, but you donât want to comment on it in case he notices and lets it fade away again, âgoodnight Changmin. For real this time.â
Changmin smiles. He genuinely smiles and his dimples show on his cheeks enough to make you want to mirror a similar upturn of your lips. Itâs contagious, and he stands there as you shut the door though let your window down just a little in case he wants to say anything else to you.Â
At first, you donât think heâs going to. You think heâs going to let you leave but when you start the car, he leans his arms against the opened window and looks up at you again, carefully, as if his eyes are searching for something within your own and you wonder if your cheeks look as warm as they suddenly feel.Â
âGet home safe, little doll,â you want to answer but youâre left completely stunned by him. The wave of emotions you go through in his company canât be quite good for you. It makes you feel vulnerable and a little confused and you can do nothing to help it. Itâs simply there, every single feeling is right at the surface and you canât hide it.Â
It makes you feel so exposed, enough that your words get caught in your throat and you have to simply drive away, seeing him in your rearview mirror, and you hope he gets inside and off the street if it really is as bad as youâd been told here.Â
You donât mean to do it, but after a few minutes you turn around just to check that heâd gone inside, slowing down when you donât see him anymore, nor do you see the groceries heâd placed down just inside when heâd chosen to walk you back to your car.Â
Which meant he was okay, and you could go home.Â
Youâre at another one of Juyeonâs parties and youâve had a little too much to drink. You donât know what time it is, nor are you sure on where youâre even going. Itâs disorienting for you to even walk, dizzying in hallways youâre familiar with and yet you canât make out where you are. Eventually you give up and try to roll a cigarette, but you swear youâre seeing double and canât even imagine the state youâre in.Â
Wondering if you look like a disaster, you try to see if you recognise anyone, though youâre alone aside from a couple making out not too far away from you. It bothers you a little, but you donât want to bring their attention towards you and instead remain silently sat on the hardwood floor, beautifully dark and expensive. The music is still loud so you figure you must still be close to the main living room but you canât be sure.Â
âLittle princess, Iâve been trying to find you,â Juyeonâs worried voice breaks you out of whatever daze youâre in, looking up to see him stand there in his dress shirt that clings tight to his thin waist. Heâs beautiful, of course, and you become aware of the state you must look like, now that something so gorgeous is in front of you.Â
What is happening to you?
âAm fine,â you mumble, wanting to close your eyes as much as you want to go outside to have a cigarette.Â
âYou look awful,â you know. He doesnât need to tell you, and yet when he does it stings deep and makes you wish he hadnât said anything at all. You wish for just a moment that heâd lie to you and tell you otherwise, in a way that makes you think that the opposite might be true.Â
You want Juyeon to tell you that youâre pretty.Â
âI know,â he stares at you, silently first before he crouches down to your level. Your eyes meet and his are dark but pretty, a certain glazed spark that makes you want to kiss him, but you donât.Â
âI can take you to my room,â you nod, holding your hand out to him so he can help you to your feet, and you stumble into his chest when gravity decides to not be in your favour, âwhen did you turn into such a drinker?â
Youâre not sure, really, what had made you drink so excessively tonight, but Juyeon knew that you drank and could drink a lot so the question still takes you aback. Does he think youâve gone off the rails?Â
âAm notâŠâ though your lack of coordination and the fact that you feel increasingly ill from being intoxicated seems to suggest otherwise. Remembering how much youâve had would be impossible to decipher so you wouldnât even attempt it.Â
âHere⊠you should shower first.â
âDonât wannaâŠâ as if youâd trust yourself to even stand upright in the shower, but Juyeon seems just as persistent as you.Â
âIâm not letting you in my bed in this state,â you scoff, thinking itâs unbelievable that his first concern would be his silken bed sheets though simultaneously you know youâd be just the same. No way youâd ever let someone this drunk on your mattress with the chance that theyâd be sick. You understood perfectly, and yet it still made you angry.Â
âWhyâd you care so little about me?â
Juyeon doesnât say anything first, leading you to the bathroom and you sit against the door, watching him move around without his attention ever going to you. It almost confirms the question, that heâs so indifferent and careless because youâre not worth even worrying about.Â
âYouâre being dramatic.â
âAm I?â
Youâre getting angry and it shows, pushing your body up with all the strength you can possibly find in your body, Juyeon catching you the moment you threaten to fall back to the floor. Even if he caught you, he seems to push your body away from him, like he doesnât want you any closer and it kills something in you to have him act this way towards you when heâd been so sweet before.Â
âWhyâre you doing this?â
âYou should go home. Iâll get Chanhee,â normally, he would've let you stay. Juyeon would let you stay in his bed and the fact that he isnât even offering it makes your heart sink deep, a heavy weighted feeling in your chest thatâs just equally as hollow. Your heart is breaking and he doesnât seem to care at all, nor does he seem to care for the consequences.Â
You stand completely alone, looking around the bathroom before you get a burst of energy that has you looking for any remnants of cocaine in any of his drawers. Juyeon hid it well, just in case the cleaners rummaged more than heâd requested, because he did not need anything to get back to his parents in regards to some of his more worrying behaviour. Unfortunately, you come up entirely empty and the door opens to you surrounded by a mess of his things.Â
âWhat the fuck are you doing?!â Juyeon is so angry, you truly want to fear him with how he looks at you, but Chanhee and Hyunjae both stand there too, with Hyunjae even moving to block Juyeonâs body from you. Youâre not sure why he does it, but to know he seems more concerned for you than the man you loved brought a new pain to your chest that really made you want to cry. He was so careless and it hurt.Â
âIâll just take her home- donât,â Chanhee glares at Juyeon when he makes an attempt to move towards you, and youâre grateful for your best friend when he helps you back up, albeit you have no way of really focusing in on him, your vision blurry and tired.Â
âDid she take anything?â Hyunjae. You think itâs Hyunjae, his voice soft and gentle, sounding entirely sober and you wonder if heâd had anything to drink at all. Usually he did, a bottle always famously in hand yet he seemed so okay now, you couldnât imagine it.Â
âDonât know,â cold. His voice sounds so cold and careless, itâs the only thing you can focus on. You canât pay attention to Chanhee holding your body up or the fact that Hyunjae is right in front of you. You donât even notice.
âItâs like sheâs been drugged,â Chanhee. Itâs Chanhee, and he sounds more angry than Juyeon, though for an entirely different reason. Heâs concerned for you, but in a tone youâre not familiar with.Â
âJust get her out then.â
âSheâs about to pass out, Juyeon.â
âI donât care, Chanhee.â
Your vision is spotted and you start to think that maybe Hyunjaeâs question has merit. Youâd had plenty to drink but in your mind it hadnât been enough to act like this. Yet you were so out of it, so unaware and so ready to sink back to the floor where your heart already lay in pieces.Â
âIâll carry her. Letâs just go,â you canât make out the voice anymore. You can barely make anything out as you feel yourself being lifted up onto someoneâs back. Heâs warm and strong, a cologne you recognise but not familiar enough with for it to belong to Chanhee. If itâs not your best friend and it isnât Juyeon, it had to have been Hyunjae.Â
You hope itâs Hyunjae. Heâs the one youâd trust the most after the two other men in the room with you.Â
You donât remember falling asleep nor do you remember waking up, but thereâs a sharp cold breeze and wind blowing through your short cut hair, earrings swaying with every step of the man whoâs carrying you.Â
âShould we take her to the hospital?â
âI think she just needs to sleep,â you think thatâs Hyunjae. You hope it is. Heâs so comfortable to hold and so warm if thatâs the case.Â
âI canât believe Juyeonâs such an ass he canât even let her crash in his bed.â
âIâm gonna talk to him about that,â the voice closest to you tells your best friend. At least you presume it to be. Eventually you let your eyes reopen, nuzzling deeper against Hyunjaeâs shoulder once you confirm it really is him.
âYouâre awake,â your best friend looks at you with a concerned gaze that has you wanting to turn away. You donât like that look of pity and concern for your state. Youâd much rather ignore the mess you are in favour of pretending it never happened.Â
âHi pretty,â Hyunjae says, turning his head slightly to look back at you. You have to admit itâs incredibly nice to walk with them like this though youâre not sure why they didnât just get your driver or one of their own, âweâre nearly at my placeâ
âMhmm, why didnât we uber?â
âFigured you could use the fresh air. Itâs not much further,â Hyunjae answers, Chanhee walking in silence with you both.Â
âYouâre really sweet Hyunjae,â you feel him laugh, the vibrations in his chest reaching you and it makes you smile against him. Itâs nice, the way he laughs, the way it reaches deep in his chest and sounds so low and carefree.Â
âThat I am, darling.â
You make it to Hyunjaeâs place not long after and youâre not really sure what happens beyond that. You think you remember Chanhee asking if he could stay in the bathroom with you while you shower, just in case you fall or hurt yourself, and you do remember agreeing and even telling him to leave the door open in case Hyunjae had to come in to help.Â
After that, it becomes a little more muddled, though you do get a change of clothes from Hyunjae that swallow you whole because heâd already warned you ahead of time that it was too large for him too, and then youâre curled up in the centre of his bed with both your friends on either side of you.Â
Youâre turned facing Chanhee, far less space between you and your best friend than you and Hyunjae, though Hyunjae had insisted on keeping a larger distance because he didnât want you to feel weird about sharing a bed with him. He was right, it was a little weird at first to be in bed with him, but you got used to it quickly because you think he made a joke and you know you laughed and then you mustâve fallen asleep before they followed suit.Â
And suddenly you didnât mind it at all.
You swear youâd been hungover for two days after that cursed party at Juyeonâs house. When you had first woken up in Hyunjaeâs bed, youâd still felt drunk, and that drunk feeling turned into being hungover with a throbbing headache and the following day it still persisted. It had persisted but you needed to catch up on a lot of studying, having put it on the back burner long enough that soon your parents would notice and say something, or worse, take your allowance from you.Â
So you found yourself back at the library, overdressed to compensate and hide how absolutely shit you felt from the amount youâd had to drink, trying to find somewhere to sit. You decided to sit on a table far in the corner, away from everyone yet still within sight of the main area, opening your laptop up and grabbing one of your many notebooks and one of your textbooks.Â
You think an hour goes by when you briefly leave to grab a coffee from the cafe just down the street, coming back with a warm drink and another painkiller down your throat because the headache persisted and you had at least a few more hours to study before you could tell yourself it was enough.Â
It hadnât even been a minute since youâd sat when a shadow of a person stood across from you, completely still first as if debating before he speaks, presumably towards you, âyou donât mind, right?â
You raise your head to see Changmin with a coffee from the same place youâd just been to, his hair wet from rain and his glasses a little slanted, his hoodie too large for his body and covering even his palms to imitate little paws.Â
âI guess itâs fine,â he sits diagonally to you, adjusting his glasses and you just stare as he gets his books and a notebook out, full of coloured little tabs and sticky notes. It was colourful, unexpectedly so, and very messy in a way. You wondered how he learned anything like that, but maybe he had a method.
âYou got home okay last week?â
Itâs a question directed towards you but it takes a minute for you to process it while you were in a daze, blinking out of it and focusing on him properly again, the way his hands rest under his chin, two of his fingers twisting one of his rings.Â
âWell, Iâm here, right?â
He nods, having some of his coffee before he starts to write something. You think thatâs all heâll say, so you turn back to what youâre doing and try to focus on literally anything but him. He was such an easy distraction, and yet he did nothing to be that.Â
âAre you hungover?â Shit.
Were you really that obvious, or was Changmin just that good at guessing? You honestly couldnât tell, and you werenât sure what you favoured less.Â
âI look like shit, donât I?â Changmin surprises you when he smiles, not in a way that tells you he agrees but in a way that tells you heâs amused. Like he genuinely finds it funny that that was your conclusion to his question.Â
âIs that what I said?â Well, no, you supposed not, but it surely felt like it first when heâd posed the question, âyou just look a little out of it.â
You were. God, you were so fucking over everything and you couldnât fully describe or explain what was happening to you. Something was, but you couldn't control it nor did you control your feelings or outcomes of the situations you put yourself in when you didnât need to be in them.Â
âI am, yeah,â he opens the lid of his coffee, as if trying to reach the foam that normally clings to the lid of the cup like glue. You stare at him again like a bad habit, only realising after a while that neither of you are attempting to argue with the other and maybe you donât detest him so much.Â
Just maybe.Â
âJuyeonâs, right? I heard about it,â you look away from him in favour of finding your coffee and having some of it before it gets too cold and bitter to taste. Youâre not sure what to answer to that, not more than a nod because it feels weird to know that he wouldnât even have been invited yet he knows that it happened and that you were there.Â
âYeah,â it sounds weak and you try to clear your throat, coughing instead as a result and turning your eyes back to the words in front of you, the mathematical equations that make you want to die the longer you look at them and the scribbles youâre trying to decipher even though you were the one to put them there.Â
âYou look confused.â
âI am confused,â you tell him, and he surprises you by getting up and coming over to you, hovering into your personal space before you can ask him what the hell heâs doing. Heâs close but never too close, and you hope no one is watching you both or peering in to the fact that youâre being friendly. âI can solve it for you if you want,â now itâs your turn to be amused and laugh, because no way in hell is Changmin able to look at your notes with anything other than a giant question mark over his head, âWhat? You think I donât know how to do mathematical analysis?â
âHonestly, no,â you confess, and he looks at you strangely before reaching over for one of his pens.Â
âI can do the first one. Itâll help you figure out the second question,â youâre not sure why you agree or why you let him so easily take control of your notebook, but he does and you donât say anything first, watching the way he writes out the equation. His motions are so fluid, the way his fingers grip the pen with confidence in what he writes. There doesnât seem to be a single mistake as he writes, like he knows exactly how to get the answer and it amazes you.Â
âI didnât know you were smart,â youâd meant it as a genuine compliment and genuine amazement but itâs clear to you that it sounds quite backhanded, which you suppose mirrors your personality towards him more. He doesnât flinch, ignoring you entirely before he pushes your notes back to you.
âThere you go,â he gets up before you can even say thank you, and itâs the sudden absence of his presence beside you that makes you realise you didnât mind him in your space at all. You feel like you should, that you did just recently, but his closeness to you had felt like a safe presence, not a familiarity yet and not foreign enough to make you alert to it.Â
It was just sort of there. He just sort of existed with you.Â
âThank you,â youâve never sounded so sincere with him before, not that you had ever wanted to be nor meant it, but even when heâd been kind enough to cut your hair and not fuck it up, even then you hadnât thanked him the way you did now, even if youâd argue that that gesture was far more important to you than this.
âYou really donât need to thank me. I find it weird,â what a way to ruin it. You roll your eyes and turn back to your work instead, using his method of solving the equation to help you figure out the rest. His handwriting was a little sloppy but you could read it fairly well, though the few times you struggle you still refused to ask him to tell you outright what it meant.
âHowâs your cat?â
âYou donât have to make conversation either,â he adds, but it doesnât sound troubled or annoyed, rather a statement that you donât have to put in effort where you donât want to. And then you wonder why youâre putting in any effort at all so suddenly, âheâs fine. Howâs yours?â
âSheâs fine.â âThatâs good,â he never once looks up at you and itâs starting to bother you. Are you that ugly, that he simply didnât want to see you at all? Was there something about you that was so easy to detest that even someone like Changmin couldnât find it in himself to be decent and meet your eyes?
Itâs like he could sense your thoughts and your bitterness of his refusal to meet your eyes, because suddenly his deep brown ones were staring into your own and you found it almost overwhelming to meet his gaze. His eye contact lingered and he didnât falter with it, and eventually the way he stared back at you became too intense and you had to look away.Â
âYouâre terrible with eye contact,â you were, he was right. It wasnât very comfortable for you, and the longer someone lingered on you, the worse it got unless you were angry and intimidating someone.Â
âItâs weird to stare at someone.â
âYou stared at me first,â fuck, so heâd noticed it. Of course he had. You knew what it was like, to feel that stare of someone enough so that you tried to find where it was coming from. In this case, Changmin had felt it yet there hadnât been enough people around to hide that it was you. He knew instantly, because it had been obvious.Â
âI daydream.â
âHow cute,â it sounds sarcastic coming from his lips. You donât think he genuinely finds you cute. Honestly, youâd take it as an insult if he did. Cute was for animals, not for a grown woman, and so you were glad to know that for once he was mocking you.
Thereâs no words said between either of you for a while. You finish your coffee and he finishes his, and after a while he gets up and grabs both empty cups once heâs sure thereâs nothing left in yours, âwhereâre you going?â
âBin,â he leaves you alone and youâre left staring at him dumbly, watching his figure disappear behind rows of books and shelves. But then he doesnât come back, and a few minutes turn into a quarter of an hour and you want to start looking for him. His things were still with you, including his phone, and you wonder why or when he became so trusting of you. Surely you could take it all or worse, you could ruin it, and he just had faith that you apparently wouldnât.Â
Eventually he reappears, but you only notice because another cup of coffee is suddenly right in front of your eyes, held by hands you recognise because of the jewellery adorned, and itâs only further confirmed when you look up again to see him standing there.Â
âYou got me a coffee?â
âWhyâre you so surprised?â
Many reasons. You donât like each other very much. His money was tight, that you knew. Or just the fact that it was the last thing you naturally expected when heâd disappeared for so long.
âHow do you know what I drink?â
âGuesswork. Itâs skimmed milk, too.â
Even Juyeon messed that up. Heâd mess it up nearly every time and you could always taste the difference, you swore it, and yet heâd lie and say heâd gotten it right just enough for you to want to believe that maybe you were wrong. Maybe it wasnât him that screwed up.
Surely it was always you.Â
âI really donât want to keep thanking you today.â
âThen just get the next one in a few hours,â youâre rendered a little speechless on the silent assumption that youâd both be here for most of the day, but you suppose heâs being fair and that itâs very likely youâll be here for a while, still.Â
âI guess,â you mumble, bringing the coffee closer to you to warm your fingers. You hold it for a while, fingers laced together before you bring the liquid to your lips to drink. It tastes exactly like you wouldâve wanted it to, and briefly it makes your mind wander on how he couldâve known it so well.Â
Youâre back to sitting in complete silence and after a few hours go by like that, Changmin seems disinterested in his work and instead wanders off before returning with a book to read. It brings amusement to your lips, an upwards smile that you try to hide under your hand because you donât want him to comment on it. Thankfully he doesnât seem to notice, or if he does, he ignores it.Â
âWell⊠I suppose itâs my turn,â you mutter, reaching over for his empty cup before taking your own. He looks up at you with warm eyes, adjusting his glasses again and you start to think that it might be a habit given the repetition in which you see him do so.Â
âIâll have a cappuccino.âÂ
âDo you want it with the chocolate powder?â
âYeah, just as it comes is fine,â you leave your things aside from your wallet and phone, as well as the two empty to-go cups and make your way out. Itâs a strange feeling, running an errand of sorts you suppose for the both of you. And yet studying with Changmin across from you isnât bad at all. Actually, you find it strangely peaceful, because he doesnât bother you at all but his presence makes you feel less isolated.Â
You like that he doesnât really make an attempt at a conversation where there isnât one to be had.Â
âHere you go,â he mumbles something similar to a thank you, at least you think, his hand reaching out for you to place his coffee into. You do so, watching as he doesnât once look up but his fingers dust over your own and it makes your heart jump to your throat because the feeling is foreign and strange but you want to welcome it.Â
You donât like that you do, huffing in frustration at yourself and your stupid mess of emotions that have been scattered ever since that forsaken incident weeks ago. Maybe youâd have to consider therapy at this point, if the mess that was your mind persisted and the results were hangovers spread over multiple days and heart palpitations because someone simply touched you.Â
âThanks,â you nod but he doesnât seem to notice, so deeply caught up in his work that you think it might be something important, or at least incredibly interesting. Heâd put the book heâd found earlier down and held his pen between his lips, fingers running through his now dry hair as he gripped the ends when he seemed frustrated.
Again, you were staring, but it was far too easy to do when he was right there and practically the only source of entertainment for your mind when your work was boring you to death.Â
âStruggling?â
âI suppose,â he draws out, pen no longer between his lips so he could answer you. You want to ask him what heâs doing, what exactly heâs even majoring in because you realise you have no idea. Then again, it had never interested you enough to ask and youâre not so sure if you ever will.Â
âBiochemistry,â he says outloud, presumably spoken to you. When you donât answer, he looks up and stares right at you, âthatâs what Iâm studying.â
Wow, so he really was smart.Â
âWillingly?â
âSurprised?â
âMaybe,â the back and forth felt a little like flirting, and yet you knew it wasnât that. It was a back and forth simply because the conversation never really went deeper. It was quick because there was nothing else to say.Â
Itâs early in the evening when you decide that you've had enough. Changmin had left a few times for a cigarette, always rolling one at the table with you right there, making lazy conversation before heâd leave for a few minutes and then return. You debated asking if you could come with him just once before you remembered where you were and who you were with, so instead you sat and accepted the nicotine withdrawal.Â
âI think Iâm done for the day,â he looks up at you briefly before he stretches his limbs, turning his shoulder either direction to warm his muscles and rid them of the tension from being mostly sat all day.Â
âThatâs fair,â you start to pack up and thereâs something in your mind wondering if youâd end up doing this again. You wouldnât entirely mind it, as annoying as he is, when you simply sit with each other itâs rather nice and easy. Itâs when the two of you start to speak to one another that problems arise. Itâs when you realise again who he is that the calmness in your veins turns into something else.Â
âYouâll take a break at some point, right?âÂ
âI plan to, doll,â his eyes meet yours again and youâre left staring, unsure what to make of that nickname anymore. It still bothers you and yet you perceive it as a compliment just the same, for if he calls you a doll, surely youâre delicate enough to be one?
âDonât forget dinner,â he adds when you start to walk away from the table, and it brings you to a halt. Changmin doesnât look up from his work, although you know that heâs aware that youâve stopped, that youâre probably frustrated and that you want to tell him to go to hell when you let out a frustrated sigh. He has no right to tell you that, and yet the very fact that heâd brought it up at all with such casual nonchalance yet clear determined voice makes you think he might say it because heâs worried but doesnât want to push a boundary further than he thinks he needs to.Â
He wants to remind you without pressuring you into a corner.
First you think of saying something, to maybe make a comment back but for the longest time youâre left standing there with nothing coming out of your lips. You simply canât find anything to say.Â
âIâll remember dinner when you forget to smoke,â he looks up from his textbook but youâve already turned away from him, disappearing behind the shelfs and heâs left staring after you, a little lost before a faint smile falls back to his lips and his dimples become prominent despite just the faintness in which his lips curve.Â
Youâd never know that he didnât smoke for the rest of the night, but you did have dinner before you curled up in your bed with a book and your cat sat lazily beside you.Â
Changmin was starting to interest you. Not because you liked him but rather because he left you curious and a little stunned because of how strange he was. You were also wondering how or why he always managed to read you so well, it was all guess work and yet it was simply always correct just the same and you had no idea how he did it. Aside from the thought that he might be stalking you but you were always more than certain that heâd claim to have better things to do than follow you.Â
You hadnât studied with Changmin since the hours spent in the library together but you had used the few notes and solutions he gave you the next few days as you revised. It was incredibly helpful, annoyingly so and you were beginning to feel a little dumb because why couldn't you have just written this out yourself? It wasnât difficult now that you saw the answer.
Sunday night comes around and youâre lazily hanging around in bed listening to the rain outside. Youâre so bored, but there was no party to attend and nothing else to really do. Chanhee said he was too busy and you werenât going to ask Hyunjae, even though you had his number. You considered it truly, but ultimately didnât want to give him the wrong idea of you nor were you sure how that would look if Juyeon found out.Â
Juyeon. A thorn in your side that pinched and twisted. He wouldnât go away and you were conflicted on whether or not you wanted him to. You cared for Juyeon deeply and yet he seemed to prove the opposite in return, that you were worth the minimum if nothing at all. The final bit of evidence wasnât even too long ago, when he left Hyunjae and Chanhee to carry you home instead of simply letting you stay in his bed to recover.Â
It was starting to feel, just a little, like Changmin might be right. Maybe the bad did outweigh the good though you werenât ready to face the consequences of that being true. You werenât ready for any of it. You didnât want it to be true, because if it was you would have to grieve something only you seemed to love and you really didnât want to be faced with that reality.Â
The doorbell rings and it breaks you away. It takes you a minute to realise that youâll have to be the one to answer, as your parents are out and none of the staff remained given the late hour. You wondered why your parents still didnât invest their money on a live-in butler, but they insisted he would attempt to steal with all the extra time given to him in which he simply stayed here.Â
When you come downstairs youâre already a little annoyed. The ringing persisted and whoever it was was incredibly impatient with you getting there, so youâre already ready to yell at whoever it is but when you finally meet the gaze of who it is, you stop in your step and stare.
Juyeon.Â
act iii
this chapter was meant to be longer but tumblr said no so I apologise for the cliffhanger it's not my fault and also apologise that this won't be three acts only pfff
taglist: @sanaxo-o @mosviqu @sunramzi @tbzhubrecs @caratsmatic @synnocence
again, let me know if you wanna be on the taglist đ comments are always appreciated
series masterlist || tbz masterlist
©ïžstrayed-quokka, please do not steal, translate, reuse or rewrite as your own
#the boyz smut#changmin smut#q smut#juyeon smut#deoboyznet#ji changmin#the boyz changmin#changmin x reader#changmin x female reader#the boyz q#smut#multiple chapters#the boyz#the boyz changmin smut#q x reader#tbz x reader#tbz#juyeon x reader#juyeon x female reader#changmin enemies to lovers#slowburn#nc 17#babydoll changmin
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#the boyz#tbz#choi chanhee#kim younghoon#ji changmin#kpop idols#kpop gifs#mohawk#wet hair#in the pool#gif#gifs#cute guys#smile#smiling#laughing#the boyz new#the boyz q#the boyz younghoon#friendship#bff#kpop boys
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TBZ members who can handle you throwing ass???
Sangyeon
At first heâs embarrassed but heâs handling that ass and then some. Touching and squeezing. Pulling his stupid beanie over his eyes while youâre shaking it side to side.
Jacob
Heâll be all giggly and a blushing mess. Ever so slightly press against you. So honestly, yes.
Younghoon
I donât know, Iâm gonna say yes because I really think he can show you something for real.
Hyunjae
Yes he would. Does not hesitate. Probably manhandle your ass a bit. Letâs you go to work on his crotch.
Juyeon
Juyeon is not such a good boy, so, yes. Soft fuckboy vibes. Mid-key wants you to dance on him and encourages it.
Kevin
Can HE handle it? Bitch, can YOU?!
New
No. But not because I think he canât. Heâd keep it cute or dance ass to ass.
Q
Says no. Cringes intensely. Protests for you to stop. Covering his eyes. Scarred for life.
Haknyeon
Another no imo. Definitely canât take his eyes off of you but he wonât touch. Prefers to admire from afar. Would be your hype-man.
Sunwoo
YES! Throw it in a circle⊠get on all fours⊠put it in his face.
Eric
Shouldnât even be a question of whether he can or canât cause you already know. Bro is sneaky. Intentionally makes sure you feel his bulge. Folding you like the Z Flip. Seriously .. fuck around and find out.
#the boyz#the boyz reactions#the boyz x reader#the boyz fanfic#tbz#the boyz sangyeon#the boyz jacob#the boyz younghoon#the boyz hyunjae#the boyz juyeon#the boyz kevin#the boyz new#the boyz q#the boyz haknyeon#the boyz sunwoo#the boyz eric#kookinglikeachef
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#kpop#kpop gifs#the boyz#tbz#tbz juyeon#juyeon the boyz#the boyz juyeon#lee juyeon#juyeon#juyeon tbz#sangyeon the boyz#the boyz sangyeon#jacob the boyz#the boyz jacob#hyunjae the boyz#the boyz hyunjae#younghoon the boyz#the boyz younghoon#kevin the boyz#the boyz kevin#new the boyz#the boyz new#q the boyz#the boyz q#ju haknyeon#haknyeon#sunwoo the boyz#the boyz sunwoo#eric the boyz#the boyz eric
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Come Light Me Up // Ji Changmin
Genre: Non-Idol college au, classmates to lovers?
Pairing: Changmin (Q) x F!Reader
Warnings: Smut, Cursing, Masturbation. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!
Word Count: 3,305
A/n: Loosely inspired by a dream I had last night. Wrote this one quickly so there will probably be some mistakes. Graphics by @saradika-graphics!
It was the start of a new semester. While the first day of classes made some students nervous, you looked forward to it. Everything smelled like fresh books, paper, and ink. There were only two more semesters left until graduation and you couldnât contain your excitement. A few of your classes this semester were completely online, which was convenient for you since you had to take on a few extra shifts to pay for this year's books and labs.Â
After clicking the zoom link to start your first class of the day, you scan over the 20 or so faces blinking back at you for anyone familiar. While you recognize a few students from previous classes, one unfamiliar face grabs your attention most. Your eyes fall on a man who you had not seen before. He is dressed in a simple black t-shirt and grey sweats. You notice he is sitting on his bed as if he just woke up and his ruffled dark hair definitely looks suspiciously like bedhead. He was too casual and it irked you. While you werenât a perfectionist, you still felt like how you presented yourself on the first day of class set a precedent for the rest of the semester. You force your attention away from him to focus on your Professorâs greetings.Â
As class progressed you kept catching yourself staring at the student who you learned was named Changmin. He seemed so uninterested in class and it looked like something was distracting him off camera. It annoyed you and you werenât sure why. Did you find him attractive? Of course. Changmin was very good looking, but he gave off douchey vibes so you did your best to pay him no mind. A task that would prove difficult.
The days pass by and you still find yourself totally bothered by this guy. Your eyes kept finding Changmin on the screen every time you attended class. And to make things worse, even though he never seemed like he was listening to the lecture, he still got every answer correct when the professor asked. It was starting to piss you off. Iâm sure if anyone was watching you they could visibly see your annoyance and unbeknownst to you, someone was watching. Sometimes you would catch Changminâs eyes staring right into the camera and you could swear they were looking back at you. But there was no wayâŠright?Â
If there was anything he was paying attention to, it was you. Changmin noticed you on the first day of class too and every time you popped up on the screen he would look you over. He found it amusing the way you would be dressed up, make up done, even for a Zoom class. Like today for example, your hair was in a half updo, clipped back with a large pink bow. You were wearing what he assumed was either a blouse or dress with puffy white sleeves that only annoyingly teased your cleavage. He couldnât tell if you had lipstick on, but your lips looked particularly glossyâŠand delicious. Changmin could tell you were the type to be a teacherâs pet and the idea of corrupting you started to quickly creep into his mind. He watched every facial expression of yours, noticing how excited you would get when you knew the answer to something and the way youâd grow agitated every time he beat you to the answer. Your perfect facade faltering before him. He especially loved the way your lips would pout when you were trying to concentrate. It drove him crazy. He could no longer hold back so he decided to take a chance.
-
During the third week of class, your Professor announced that there would be a test coming up this Friday. You tried to remain calm, but the thought of a test so soon gave you anxiety. A ding from your zoom chat pops up interrupting your thoughts. Itâs a private message from a classmate. You squint at your screen to see who the message is from. Surely, you must be misreading. It was from Changmin?!Â
Changmin: hey, wanna study together?Â
You have not actually interacted with Changmin before, in fact, you're not even sure you have ever exchanged words. The extent of your interactions was usually him saying something that bothered you and you rolling your eyes at him several times throughout the class. You continue to stare at his message. Hesitating for a few more moments, you finally start to type. Changmin watches you intently, anticipating your reply.
Y/n: Why do you want to study with me?
Changmin smiles while reading your message.Â
Changmin: because weâre probably the only two in this class who actually give a shitÂ
You snort, forgetting your audio is on and quickly rush to mute yourself. Changmin watches your cheeks turn pink with embarrassment and laughs. Even though the conversation is private, you still look around at the other classmates nervously wondering if they know whatâs going on. Â
Changmin: youâre cute
You bite your lip to hold back a smile not wanting to give him the satisfaction. Changmin watches you roll your eyes at him, as you usually do, and it ignites his hunger further.Â
Y/n: Fine. Changmin: iâll zoom you tomorrow night? Y/n: Sure, 8pm tomorrow then. Just ping me. Changmin: 8 is kind of late, no?
You glare at him briefly before responding.
Y/n: I get off work at 7:00 so I will need some time to get back and change. Changmin: sounds good. Iâll call you at 8pm sharp. Canât wait!
Ignoring his last message, you turn your attention back to the Professor. Changmin canât erase the grin on his face for the rest of class.
-
The next day you rush home after work to hop in the shower. Butterflies start to dance in your belly, but you do your best to shoo them away. You consider dressing up like you usually do for class, but worry Changmin will think youâre trying too hard. Ugh, why do you care what Changmin thinks, Y/n? You settle on a t-shirt and shorts with some cozy socks. Looking at the clock on your laptop, you start to feel the nerves as the time approaches 8pm. You continue to look at the clock and your watch every few seconds until finally the Zoom call notification pops up on your desktop. Shooting up from your chair, you quickly take a look in the mirror one last time to check your appearance before answering.Â
âChangmin.â You say simply, lacking any emotion.
âY/n,â he responds with a hint of amusement.Â
You grab your textbook and open it. âI figured we could start from the beginning to refresh our memory first before diving into the most recent lectures.â
Changmin smiles, placing a pair of black rimmed glasses on. He looks good and he knows it. âWhatever you say.â He reaches for his book as well and opens it to the first chapter. âIâm all yours.â You grimace and give him a pointed look. He laughs and you watch the way his Adam's apple bobs on his long neck. He crosses his arms in front of him and your attention shifts to the curve of his biceps. Changmin is wearing a white t-shirt and what look to be his usual grey sweats. He notices your attention and tilts his head curiously. âAre we going to get started?â Your eyes dart up to meet his realizing youâve been caught looking at him. You clear your throat and thumb through a few pages.Â
Changmin actually turns out to be a decent study partner and you're shocked at how thorough his notes are. After about 20 minutes into your study session, Changmin decides heâs bored and wants to change the subject.
âWhy do you get dressed up for every class?â You look up from your note taking and cock an eyebrow at him.
âI could ask you the same.âÂ
âBut I don't.âÂ
âExactly.â You throw him a sarcastic smile. He smirks in response.
âSoâŠ?â Heâs waiting for your answer. You sigh and place your pen down.Â
âBecause I can.â
He nods. âFair enough.â
âWhy do you care?â you ask, resuming your writing.
Changmin places his thumb and index finger on his chin to ponder. When he doesn't immediately reply you look back up at him. âI suppose I just find it interesting when the rest of the class are practically in pajamas or off camera. Are you trying to impress someone?â
âMaybe I just like looking my best.â
âBut right now you look pretty casual.â
You look down at your attire and internally curse. Maybe you should have dressed up. As if reading your thoughts, Changmin quickly adds, âNot that you donât look good. I like the way you look tonight too.â
Youâre not sure how to reply to his flirtation attempt so you try to get back on task.Â
âI think the Professor is definitely going to have chapter 3 on the exam. He dedicated two of our lectures to it so I think we should review our mutual notes.â
Changmin pushes back on his chair, balancing on the back legs. He places his hands behind his head. âMhmm,â he simply hums in agreement. You look up from your book and notice Changminâs shirt has ridden up, exposing his midriff. His stomach is taut and toned. You try to continue your thought, but end up stuttering over your words. He reaches down and rubs his abs and thatâs when you notice the veins leading down his stomach disappearing into his briefs. Changminâs legs are slightly parted, giving you a full view of his lean body.
âUm,â You try to compose yourself, but struggle. âWe..um..page 46âŠâ Words fail as you start to imagine where those thick veins lead to.Â
âWhat was that, Y/n? Didnât quite catch what you said.â You look at him and frown. Heâs teasing you and you know it.
âWhat are you doing?â You ask, impatience in your tone.Â
âI see the way you watch me in class, Y/n.â Pleasure shoots down your spine and you shiver.Â
Attempting to feign ignorance, you turn away. âI donât know what youâre talking about.âÂ
âYes, you do. I watch you too. Every time I see you roll your eyes at me I think about stuffing my cock down your throat to teach you a lesson.â You drop the pen in your hand.Â
âWh-what did you just say?âÂ
Changmin leans into the camera. His eyes shift down to stare at your mouth. âI think about the way those pretty lips would feel wrapped around my dick.â He closes his eyes briefly and moans as if imagining it right now. âDrives me wild. I look forward to seeing you every class. Thinking about ways I can piss you off.âÂ
âChangminâŠyou shouldnât say these things,â you squeak.
âIâll stop if you really want me to.â He leans back in his chair again and crosses his arms. The veins on his toned forearms poke out and you gulp at the thought of them around you, his hands gripping your neck. You shake your head to rid yourself of these thoughts. Changmin smirks and meets your eyes. âDo you want me to stop?â He palms his groin and you realize heâs hard.
âFuck,â you say to yourself. Changmin places a hand around the outline of his dick and starts to stroke himself. You bite your lip as you watch him, feeling yourself growing wetter with each stroke. His eyes are on you as he slowly rubs up and down. A low groan escapes his throat.
âNo,â you finally say.
âNo what?â His voice is hoarse.Â
âNo, donât stop.â
Changmin pushes his sweats down slightly to give you a better view of his hard dick and for better access.Â
âLike what you see?â You nod enthusiastically and he chuckles.
âDoes baby wanna see my cock?â You nod again.
âUse your words, Y/n,â he says sternly.
âYes,â you whisper.
âI canât hear you, baby.â
âYes, I wanna see it.â Your voice is more confident.Â
âAnd what will you give me in return?âÂ
Meeting his eyes, you ask, âWhat do you want, Changmin?âÂ
âTake your shirt off.â
Completely committed to whatever this game is, you agree to pull your shirt over your head, leaving you just in your pink lacy bra.Â
âMmm so pretty. What type of pants are you wearing?âÂ
You tilt the screen of your laptop to give him a view of your whole body. Youâre in a pair of sleep shorts. Pushing your desk chair out of the way, you stand. Changmin looks you up and down, finally getting the chance to admire your full form.
âTake your pants off, sweetheart.âÂ
You shake your head. âYour shirt first.âÂ
Changmin considers refusing you, but he thinks your demanding tone is hot and does as you say. His body is chiseled. Youâre surprised at how tiny his waist is and it makes your mouth water. Starry eyed and mouth agape, you stare unabashedly now as he resumes touching himself.
âY/n, take your shorts off.â He is growing impatient with each touch of his hand. You stand and drop them to the floor, revealing a matching pink lace thong.
âYou got all dressed up for me, baby?â
âNoâŠâ
âI bet you wanted to show it off. Hoped this would happen, huh? Fucking slut.â
You scoff. âYouâre so full of yourself.â Despite your words, you can feel how aroused you are. Feeling bold, you sit on the edge of your bed and spread your legs, giving him a view of your clothed pussy.
âFuck, Y/n.â He starts to stroke himself faster.
âTake your pants off, Changmin.âÂ
âOoh, say my name again, baby!â he moans.
âPlease Changmin,â you whine as need starts to take over you.
He stands and slides his sweats off. The head of his cock is peeking out of his briefs and you lean towards the camera a little for a better view. You want to touch yourself, but still feeling shy, you resign to rubbing your thighs instead. He sits back down, keeping his legs spread for you.
âI want to see your boobs.âÂ
You chuckle and unhook your bra without hesitation. You're horny and want this as much as him now. He watches it fall to the ground. You move closer to the camera so he can see your breasts better and now his mouth drops. You smile at the way his body reacts to you.
âYouâre so fucking gorgeous, Y/n. I just want to wrap my lips around your tits. Swirl my tongue until your nipples are hard.â You suck in a breath trying to hold back a moan. âAre they hard right now?â He wonders aloud.
You gently rub over your nipple knowing full well theyâre erect. âYes,â you say.
âFuck I bet they taste amazing.â
âI wanna taste you, Min.â His eyes widen, surprised by your candor.Â
âYeah, baby? Want me to fill your mouth with my come?â You nod eagerly.
âLet me see you,â you demand.
He shakes his head. âNeed you to earn it, baby girl. What do I get in return if I take my cock out for you?â You take a moment to think, then sit back on your bed. Leaning on your hands, you spread your legs wide again and dip your fingers into your panties. A breathy moan escapes you at the contact. Changmin groans in response. âYeah, baby. Touch yourself, like that.â You toss your head back at the feeling of your fingers on your sensitive clit. âDonât take your eyes off of me, Y/n.â You face him again and continue to rub while he stares.Â
âWell?â You moan out. He nods understanding your question. Changmin lifts his waist and pushes his briefs off. His cock springs back, slapping against his abs while precum dripples down the sides. He looks so hard and you can tell he needs relief. You lick your lips at the sight of his long cock. âTouch yourself too, Changmin. Get off with me.â
âFuck yeah, baby.â He spits in his hand and starts to fist his cock, squeezing his red tip with each pump. You pick up your pace, the sounds of your arousal and his slick fist echo around you. Your breathing starts to quicken and you canât stop the moans that leave your lips. âStick your fingers inside and pretend itâs me.â You do as you're told and try to reach your sensitive spot.
âMmm not enough. I need you, baby,â you whine.
âI know, I wish I was there with you. Next time.â
âNext time?â
âYeah, next time Iâll come over and fuck you for real.â
âCome over now then.â
âBut you look so pretty touching yourself for me.â He tries to match your pace as you push in and out of yourself spreading your wetness back over your clit.
âFeels so good, Min. Wish you could have a taste.â
âOh, fuuckkk. Baby, have a taste for me.â You pause momentarily, never having tasted yourself before, but you want to please him. Removing your fingers, you insert them into your mouth and sigh at the taste on your tongue. Changmin curses and starts to pump faster.
âSuch a, fuckâŠsuch a good girl.â He canât hide his moans anymore and you're surprised at how high pitched they are. It turns you on further so you return your fingers to your clit to rub harder. âIâm close, Y/n. So fucking close, but I wanna come with you.â
âWait.â Impatiently, you take your panties off giving him a full view of your pussy. Changbin bites his lip as he looks over your body, watching the way your face contorts as you pleasure yourself. His orgasm is fast approaching.
âI canât wait to fuck you, baby. Iâm going to destroy you.â His words help bring you closer to your release, pleasure building with each bump to your clit. Your ministrations increase and you can feel the band about to snap.Â
âMin, Iâm, Iâm-â tears start to spring at the corners of your eyes. Youâre so close. âAh, ah, ah, ah.â Your cries increase.Â
âYea, baby, fuck! Iâm gonna come too.â
âIâmâŠChangmin, IâmâŠcoming!â You gasp. Changmin shouts your name as he comes with you, spilling white hot liquid over his hand. He continues to pump himself through his orgasm and you do the same. Moaning and rubbing until your thighs start to shake. He looks into your eyes as the two of you try to recover your breathing. You can feel your heartbeat in your ears.Â
âY/n, youâre so beautiful,â Changmin says suddenly. The compliment makes your heart flutter. He looks down at his covered hand, amazed at how hard he came.Â
âIf I was there Iâd lick you clean,â you say.
âI bet you would. Guess youâll just have to show me next time.â
âNext time.â You agree.Â
Changmin walks off screen to wash his hand so you put your shirt and shorts back on. When he comes back, you sit back in your chair at your desk. Changmin notices how flushed your cheeks are. His attention makes you feel hot all over. You both sit in silence. He struggles to think of what to say next and you giggle at how nervous he suddenly seems.Â
âNot getting shy on me now are you, Min?â He rolls his eyes at your teasing and you both laugh.
âI guess Iâll see you tomorrow. Not sure if this study session was too helpfulâŠâÂ
Shaking your head, you chuckle before giving him a wave. âSee you.âÂ
âGood night, Y/n.â Changmin returns your wave.
âGood night.â You both smile at each other before closing out the zoom.Â
End.
xx
#The Boyz#Q#Ji Changmin#The Boyz Q#Changmin#ji changmin x reader#changmin x reader#q x reader#the boyz x reader#ji changmin smut#Changmin smut#the boyz smut#the boyz fanfic#Ji Changmin fanfic#kpop fanfic#kpop smut#weareapackofstrays#Ji Chang Min#Ji Chang Min Smut#Ji Chang Min fanfic#Chang Min Fanfic#Chang Min Smut#q the boyz
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đđ!đđđ đđđđđ (98 đđđđđđ)
đđđđđđđ: 98đ đ đđđđ
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đđđđđđđđ: đđđđđđđ, đđđđđđđđđđ (?đđđ đđđđđđ) đđ đđđđđâđ
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A/N: the way q is one of my biases and im so scared of that fucking dollđđreblogs are appreciated đ«
#the boyz#the boyz fanfic#the boyz fake texts#the boyz juyeon#the boyz kevin#the boyz new#the boyz q#the boyz x reader#tbz#tbz fanfic#tbz fake texts#tbz juyeon#tbz kevin#tbz new#tbz q#choi chanhee#ji changmin#deobi#tbz x reader#k lables#k labels
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to: @sanaxo-o
[OFF THE BOYZ] JILLSTUART BeautyĂTHE BOYZ ïŒNEW Q SUNWOOïŒBehind converted by @gifs-from-izzy
#tbzinc#kpopco#kpopccc#dailybg#malegroupsnet#kim sunwoo#sunwoo#the boyz sunwoo#tbz sunwoo#the boyz kim sunwoo#tbz kim sunwoo#the boyz#choi chanhee#the boyz chanhee#the boyz q#tbz q#tbz chanhee#the boyz new#ji changmin#the boyz edits#kpop boygroups#kpop edits#kpop bg#kpop#sunwoo gif#chanhee#kpop gifs#kpop boy groups#kpopidol#tbz
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Step brother ~ Ji Changmin
Summary: Changmin is your creepy step brother, but you don't see that side of him.
Warnings: swearing, yandere!Changmin, stalking, stealing of clothes/underwear, implied male masturbation, using panties to get off, creepy behaviour.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your mother married Changmin's father a year ago. Everything seemed to go well, your new step brother didn't tell you much about his personal life and spent a lot of time alone in his room, you'd usually only see him at family dinner.
What you didn't know was Changmin had an obsession. That obsession was you. He loved you. Would he admit it out loud? No. But it didn't go away. It got worse over the past few months, to the point he started stealing your clothes, especially your panties.
Changmin sat in his room, watching the camera feed from your room. Whilst you were out one day, he set a small camera up in the corner of your room, where he was able to watch you relax, sleep and change. He knew it was wrong, especially since you were his step sister, but he didn't care, he just wanted you and was waiting for the right time.
As Changmin watched you chill on your bed, he grabbed a pair of your stolen panties. A white lace pair to be exact. He smiled as the silk material ran smoothly through his fingers. He rubbed them against the tent in his sweats, thinking all dirty thoughts about you.
"Babygirl you'll be mine soon enough." He whispered, smiling as you placed your phone down, heading for the bathroom.
Changmin thought that would be the perfect time to steal something else from your room. He left his bedroom and came to yours, hearing the shower running in the bathroom. He smiled and opened the door, the smell of your perfume hit his nose instantly, making the tent in his sweats grow even more.
He entered your room and went straight to the drawers having a rummage through, before grabbing a red pair of panties. He smirked and took them, rushing to his room before he burst. He slammed the door shut and locked it so you didn't accidentally walk in.
"Fuck....so soft." He mumbled, gently running his hands through the red panties.
Changmin pulled his sweats down, letting his hard member free. He rubbed the panties against his tip, moaning your name.
"Y/n, hmm." He moaned.
"Let's have some fun." He smirked, watched the feed to your room again as he touched himself, knowing he'd have a good night.
#kpop#kpop fanfic#kpop oneshot#the boyz#ji changmin#the boyz changmin#the boyz q#q#changmin x reader#q x reader#ji changmin x reader#angst#yandere#yandrere fanfic#yandere changmin#yandere the boyz#yandere q#yandere x reader#fem!reader#step brother#step brother changmin#step sister#step sister!reader#stealing#clothes stealing#implied smut
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JUST FOR ME
PAIRING ji changmin x f!reader
WORD COUNT 1.26k
GENRES kinda fluff ïčsmut
WARNINGS 18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT, mature language, apparently ji changmin has a secret, established relationship, a whisker away ref <3, dacryphilia lol, making out, oral (m!receiving), face fucking lol, cum eating lol, lmk if i missed anything!
SUMMARY ji changmin had a secret.
MORE hellaur hellaur!! i cannot believe iâve written 8 of these in the past month like iâm actually sick in the head. but maybe u guys are even sicker for reading them idk⊠once fawntober is over i think i might spontaneously combust. ANYWAY i would like to dedicate this to the resident jichang lover <3 beam <3 consider this a late birthday gift <3 if u enjoyed pls rb!
PERM TAGLIST @winterchimez @maessseongs @itsbeeble @zzoguri
Ji Changmin had a secret.
A very big secret that he would never dare tell to anyone else. Not his friends. Not even you. Whether it was because he wanted to keep this to himself, take it to the grave type beat, or because he was embarrassedâ the world may never know.
But as you cuddle into his side, sniffling over this stupid animated movie, he realizes that his big secret might be harder to keep to himself than he thought.
Heâs seen A Whisker Away with you probably hundreds of times by now, and heâs seen you cry each and every time, but for some reason this is the one that gets to him. The sight of your pretty tears trickling down your cheeks, eyes slightly puffy and lips pouty, has his thinking clouded. Typical Y/N behavior, living in his mind rent free like it was your career.
He hopes the thick comforter of your bed hides just how turned on he is, licking his lips when a tear drips down your chin and onto your chest. Donât even get him started on your pajama choice. Nothing but a thin camisole and flimsy linen shorts. Did you know that you were just one action away from sending him into cardiac arrest?
Changmin doesnât even notice that the movie has ended and the credits are displayed, eyes still trained on the stray teardrops rolling down your sternum. Itâs not until youâre reaching above your head to stretch, leg bumping into his hard on.
You turn to him with wide eyes and a gasp. âChangmin! No way youâre fucking horny right now.â
âIâm not?â His response comes out more like a question than a statement, so of course you donât believe him in the slightest. You give him a pointed look.
âHow could you possibly be hard after watching that?â Your eyebrows raise, judging him wholeheartedly without knowing the full story. Though, heâs almost certain youâd still judge him then, too. Who wouldnât? Getting turned on by the sight of his girlfriend crying wasnât exactly something that people would think is normal.
âThatâsâ uhâ thatâs not whatâ you know what, never mind. We can just go to sleep if youâre tiredââ Changmin really wished you werenât so persistent sometimes. Then again, your persistence was the reason you were together in the first place.
âNo, Iâm wide awake now,â you simper, a sly little smile that looks out of place paired with the tear streaks on your cheeks. âLemme help you, Min.â
You peel back the covers, straddling his lap. Changmin groans, throwing his head back when your barely clothed warmth presses down on his erection. Your fingers card through his hair before you lean in to kiss him.
Itâs slow at first, lips moving together gently as you work yourself up. One of the things Changmin loved about you was the fact that you were always so eager to please. He had a tendency of not asking for anything unless absolutely necessary, but with your keen sense of perception, you just knew when he needed a little extra care. Like right now, for example.
His hands find your hips, grinding them into his own as he nips your bottom lip. You sigh into the kiss, parting just enough to catch your breath. He slips his fingers under the waistband of your shorts but you shake your head.
âMm-mm,â you start to pepper kisses all over his face and jaw, trailing down his neck. âLet me do the work. You just relax, okay?â
The service top he was, Changmin thought it would be a bit difficult to just let you have the reins. However, he pulls away his hands anyway, allowing you to exhibit your magic. You smile contentedly, shimmying down so your face was level with his crotch.
Changmin watches with bated breath as you haul his sweatpants and underwear down his legs in one go. He fists your hair in a makeshift ponytail, darting out his tongue to wet his lips when you leave a sweet kiss to the tip of his cock. He hisses as you wrap your hands around the base, pumping his length agonizingly slow.
His hips buck up into your hands, teeth gritted when your lips envelope the head. Your tongue drags over his slit, collecting the precum thatâs begun to form. You moan when the taste of him settles, one hand sliding under his t-shirt to claw at his abdomen.
Finally, after what felt like eternity, you take him fully into the warm coziness of your mouth. Every time you gave Changmin head, you tried not to push yourself to swallow him wholly. You were afraid of embarrassing yourself by not being able to fit his impressive size down your throat. This time was different. You felt the need to provide him the best pleasure possible.
He thinks he might combust, focus zeroed in on your plush lips going further down his length and meeting your hand. Your eyes flutter open, making contact with his as you twist your wrist and start to bob your head. Changmin groans, using his free hand to fist at the sheets below you. You looked so fucking filthy like this, ass perked up in the air as you sucked him off like your life depended on it. But good God, you managed to still look absolutely gorgeous, even with the drool dribbling along your chin.
Instinctively, his grip on your hair tightens and he pushes your head down, forcing you to engulf his cock more than you already had. You gag, but steel yourself to power through. Changmin accepts his fate and lets himself loosen up, a conniving grin spreading across his lips.
âGonna let me fuck your face, baby?â He coos, bending his knees and putting his feet flat on the bed.
You moan in approval, pulling off just to respond. âMhm. Want you to feel good.â
âFuck, youâre so sexy,â he bites his lip, bringing your face closer to kiss your swollen lips, your hand still jerking him off. âIâm gonna ruin you.â
He can taste himself on your mouth and it makes his release that much more exciting. You break apart, returning to what you were doing previously. This time, however, Changmin doesnât hold himself back. He starts to fuck up into the wet heat of your mouth, cock sliding down your throat with a choked groan following each thrust.
Your eyes water, and before you know it, tears are tracking on your cheeks. He nearly whines, all sense of restraint lost completely as you continue to wrap around him, tongue swirling around the tip and running along each vein. Changmin feels insane, his orgasm building up higher and higher the more you take himâ the more you cry for him.
Itâs when one of your teardrops drips onto his stomach, your thumb swiping across his hip bone, that he cums into your mouth with a moan so out of character, you almost join him. You try to swallow everything he gives you, but itâs so much that you have to pull off of him, feeling it slip down the side of your mouth. Your hips roll into the bed to release some of the friction that formed.
Changmin wipes away the mixture of saliva and cum on your chin, stamping another slow kiss to your lips. You straddle him once again, whimpering when he presses up into your already sensitive cunt.
He smiles, fingers dipping into your shorts. âYou did so well, baby. Let me return the favor.â
© juyeonszn. do not steal, claim, or repost.
#the boyz#the boyz x reader#the boyz smut#tbz#tbz x reader#tbz smut#the boyz changmin#the boyz q#tbz changmin#tbz q#ji changmin x reader#ji changmin smut#changmin x reader#changmin smut#q x reader#q smut#juyeonszn#fawntober.2023đ
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Ei, mirt, faz uma capa com The Boyz ou Oneus misturando romĂąntica com divertida đ«¶
oi meu amor, ent eu ignorei a palavra mistura e fiz duas capinhas kk, enfim, apanhei pra do oneus, mas aproveitei a oportunidade pra fazer uma Ășnica capinha de Halloween nĂ© (((jĂĄ q eu nĂŁo curto mto o halloween.
mas a do changmin HEHEUUAHEHEHAJJAHA eu amei, amo o kyu, amo o the boyz, meus favs pra sempre. #teamotheboyz #theboyzdivos. De verdade, adorei adorei.
Status das capas:
"Who got the joker?" â DisponĂvel
"Break your rules" â Para futura doação
#capa de fanfic#capa para fanfic#capa para doação#capista#doação de capas#capa para spirit#spotify#kpop#capa para fic#enha#the boyz#the boyz q#changmin#kyu#kyu the boyz#tbz#tbz q#changmin the boyz#changmin tbz#oneus#oneus seoho#oneus keonhee#seoho#keonhee
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babydoll || ji changmin || masterlist
âł Changmin isnât popular nor is he rich, whereas you run on the other end of the spectrum, spoilt and living on your dads credit card. when youâre tasked with kicking him out of the biggest party of your year, you come to realise heâs not all that bad. unfortunately, falling in love with the ji changmin is your one way ticket to social suicide.
âł pairing: ji changmin x female reader + ex lee juyeon x female reader
!!! this is not a love triangle !!!
~ rating: NC-17 minors please do not interact with this work
âł genre: enemies to acquaintances to reluctant friends to lovers, slowburn, drama, angst, happy end but it takes a long ass time, rich girl broke ass uni boy
~ warnings: high society bitch of a reader, an unadressed eating disorder (limited), drug use, sex while on drugs, a lot of sex (will add individual warnings to chapters), sex with juyeon, maybe you fuck him twice, sex while high, taller reader with longer hair but no colour description for the plot, jokes and implied tone about death/wanting to die (not meant), obsession with weight and beauty standards, juyeon is manipulative and toxic, emotional abuse, physical abuse (not reader and not in detail), everyone needs therapy, past self harm (not reader, not in detail, descriptions of scars), deep self loathing and insecurities, bullying, changmin calls reader little doll, reader wants to look like a doll, nicknames such as darling and princess, classism
!!! if I missed anything or I remember something else I will add it to the general warnings. thereâs a lot of drama but it isnât as dark as the warnings probably imply it to be, but it also isnât a light read.
âł words: 70k + blame the slow burn
a/n: this was meant to be a 20k one shot then changmin said sike so I had to split it up into multiple parts so that tumblr wouldnât break because it said it would đ this is dedicated to @sanaxo-o because sheâs never given up on this fic even when I wanted to throw it out the window. no one loves babydoll more than her. thank you @mosviqu for reading this every night when I add a little extra and make you hate juyeon and thank you @sungbeam for the banner cause mine was clearly trash.
I joke that Iâll retire once Iâm done posting every part of this fic but we all know thatâs a lie. I did pour all my energy into this though so please be nice to me or say nothing at all LMAO. again, I wanna disclaimer that there are some specific physical attributes to this reader which I usually avoid doing but for the story itself it was necessary.
let me know if you wanna be on the taglist đ©” started: 25.7.24
~ teaser
~ act i
~ act ii
~ act iii
âł i aim for just three chapters if tumblr allows it but depending on final length this might have to change
©ïžstrayed-quokka, please do not steal, translate, reuse or rewrite as your own
#the boyz smut#changmin smut#q smut#ji changmin#deoboyznet#the boyz changmin#changmin x reader#changmin x female reader#the boyz q#smut#multiple chapters#the boyz#the boyz changmin smut#q x reader#tbz x reader#tbz#juyeon x reader#juyeon x female reader#some fluff#changmin fluff#changmin enemies to lovers#slowburn#way too much plot#masterlist#q fluff#chanhee is the bestie#nc 17#babydoll changmin#Spotify
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#tbz q#tbz new#ji changmin#choi chanhee#kyunyuuyu#kpop idols#kpop gifs#tank top#gif#gifs#malefeet#barefoot guys#male toes and soles#cute guys#chanhee#q#round glasses#guys in glasses#lazy day#kpop#the boyz q#kpop boys
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Hi I want to request TBZ as fwb?
THE BOYZ as Friends with Benefits
Sangyeon
He would take being fwb very seriously
Just pure fucking
Can and will make you squirt all over his studio equipment
And use your moans as a backing track
He will have multiple friends with benefits
But he has to be your only one
However, he is a doting sex partner
Want a bouquet of flowers? How about a bouquet of toys instead
Doesnât mind taking you out for dates and dinner but wouldnât mix his feelings
However, he will be extremely intense in the bedroom
This isnât for his benefit but rather for your own
Jacob
He can easily balance his sexual and romantic feelings
So I promise, youâre gonna have a good time with him
Thereâs a lot of communication with him
Youâre gonna chat
Youâre gonna laugh
Youâre gonna get nasty
He doesnât catch feelings easily and is normally not jealous
Heâs on a quest to find his higher self
So as long as you donât require more of his attention
Youâll still be friends with him afterwards
Younghoon
Leo-heartedly incapable
Because he would rather be in a relationship
Itâs impossible for him not to catch feelings
Heâd get super clingy and romance you down
Donât think about having other fwb
Cause heâs gonna cry
OMG HES A CRYBABY
Benefits cancelled
Youâre either in or youâre out
Hyunjae
Heâs not against casual sex, but he would much rather be with someone special
Someone he's known for a while
Would sometimes fuck
Would sometimes make love
Or sometimes you would talk about like, the political and economic state of the world right now
đ€
Youâll probably end up meeting his mom
If he does catch feelings, heâll take some time to reflect the situation
Heâd be straight up and honest with you to see where your head is at before pursuing anything further
Juyeon
Lee âlove is so difficultâ Ju Yeon
Heâs got a fear of getting hurt
So heâs going to take it slow and play it safe
Youâre the only one heâs getting his dick wet with
Will be annoyed if you have other sexual partners
Heâs all about fucking you for relief, so donât expect anything romantic
Yet, he is considerate and respectful towards you
He will never make you feel uncomfortable or pressured
May even consider making love for one night only if you wanted it
He would make you feel so good, youâll catch feelings when he wouldnât
Kevin
A hoe and a half
Horny and Over Emotional
The first one to say he doesnât want anything serious and then gets easily attached
Open to trying the most kinkiest things
Would want you to do them to him as well
He just want to please you
Would be very caring and affectionate
He most likely entered this because he already like you
Because in the back of his head heâs thinking maybe one day you can be together
Will give you soul sex then try to give you a soulmate
Chanhee
Itâs not in his nature to sleep around
But being in a friends with benefits with him will be sensual and extremely intimate
He will prioritize your situation and struggle with being casual
He may not catch feelings but he will have some sort of affection towards you
Would want to try out some of his favorite fantasies
Understands youâre together for one thing and one thing only
Get naked
Changmin
The weirdest fwb youâll ever have but itâs what makes it most interesting
Heâd set some quirky rules or boundaries that only he understands
Doesnât scare easily so you have to be open minded to the kinky and risky stuff heâd wanna try
He loves a good horror role-play
Knows how to manipulate his way into getting what he wants from you
Says the weirdest shit mid-coitus
You know heâs a biter
Heâll bite your ear or neck or inner thigh
That long neck is for swinging on
Gets very competitive if you have another fwb
Haknyeon
Heâs gonna feed you
No
I mean seriously
Heâll offer you snacks and a drink to get your energy up
Chicken soup and sex for the soul
Or whatever that book is
Sex with him is more lighthearted than rough
But heâs got some insane tricks up his sleeve
He can b-boy while fucking you at the same time
No lie, I swear
Listens to your sexual desires as well
He will be caring and nice to you and part of him will wonder where it could go afterwards
IF thereâs an afterwards
He would try to figure it out if you have feelings for him too
But until then, heâs hiding his own
Sunwoo
The type to be playful during sex
Clinically addicted to making jokes
Heâs pretty much up for anything
Youâd watch porn together to make fun of the actors
But then try it out, yourselves
Wants you to call him Oppa while heâs going down on you
He falls asleep as soon as he finishes
So donât expect any aftercare
Eric
Inexperienced experienced
He just wants some pussy
Or dick..
Would constantly call or text you at the ungodly hour of 4 AM to know if youâre available for him
Heâll send you pics of how hard he is while working out at the gym
Asks his hyungs for advice on how to approach certain situations
He loves oral and he will be very vocal about it
Like you could have just finished blowing him and not even minutes later heâs begging for another round
Begs you to do other things as well
Such as a threesome with Juyeon
But donât hog him too much or else youâd be the one to get kicked out of bed
#the boyz#the boyz requests#the boyz reactions#tbz#the boyz sangyeon#the boyz jacob#the boyz younghoon#the boyz hyunjae#the boyz juyeon#the boyz kevin#the boyz new#the boyz q#the boyz haknyeon#the boyz sunwoo#the boyz eric#18+ mdni#kookinglikeachef
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