#Thank every god that they were able to I'd be dead otherwise

[backpackingspace]

So that poll about how long you've gone without sleep I just rebloged and ranted in the tags about my experience with sleep depervation has me thinking about how sleep deprivation is literally torture. How you're body physically starts shutting down how you die after 12 days. And I can't help but wonder how close to that I was. I was losing time hours and days of it. I couldn't add 2 plus 2. I don't remember any hallucinations but I know they happen after 36 hours so they certainly were happening. I think I can forgive myself my foolishness given those circumstances

[avocadoraisin]

Hi! I’m sure you’ve answered this question before but what or who got you into saw?

this is actually kind of a long and funny one. to me

part one

so, eeeeons ago.. when I was, what, 16? 17? There was someone I followed on tumblr that for some reason I used as my barometer of coolness. I just thought they were so rad, and I don't remember why. Their art, maybe?

I was, and to some extent still am, very easily influenced by peer pressure. So, whatever they got into, I heavily debated checking out myself. (Because, they're so cool and all. And I want to understand their art!)

i think i watched walkthroughs of all the Assassin's Creed games (up to 3, at the time) just to admire their art lmao

then they got into Saw and I was torn lmao. I was so scared of the franchise (because of the reputation and all) but they made it seem so interesting? They were a chainshipper I think. And by god, do i WISH i could find their old art again... or even their blog at all, so I can find those vintage Saw memes again...

i was fascinated that this "super gory torture franchise" had a fandom and people were shipping characters that were heeella dead

but also i was a HUGE baby and didn't watch anything that wasn't anime violence until uhhhhhhhhhhhh............................................................. college

so i was always curious about Saw, but as someone who hadn't even seen the most basic of basic horror films at the time, or a single rated R film, I was sssooooo not ready

part two

fast forward to 2022

So, I have a "list" of films I want to see. I'm mostly fascinated by films with pop culture significance, cult classics, or films that otherwise helped define a genre in some way. my inner film history nerd. Many of those are horror, because horror in itself is a very fascinating genre with so many iconic characters and films that change the rules of the game every few years. (horror games also do this)

Saw was always in the back of my mind as this franchise i never really understood, because of the reputation, but the first one always fell under the category as one of those iconic genre-challenging films I should try to check out at least once

in 2022, i watched the first film and I really liked it!! I was curious about the rest of the franchise because I also knew there was some kind of fandom for it, thanks to that person i followed ~13 years ago, but I heard the gore gets a lot more gruesome............. and i don't really like gore, actually..........

and i started noticing more and more really funny Saw jokes and stuff now that I at least knew the first movie, and i was like "hey, people seem to really love this franchise despite its gory reputation" I told myself I'd work my way up to it, watching other horror films and slowly training myself to be able to handle more and more gore. with the SOLE purpose of trying to build up the stomach to enjoy the rest of Saw

so last year in 2023, Saw X came out. and it was getting really good reviews. and i love going to the movies, and i was getting FOMO like you wouldnt believe

so, i let Saw skip the line on my horror list. i was like "I'll just put on Saw II and if its too much, ill just stop. If I'm not ready for this franchise, then that's fine. I don't need to see Saw X in theaters"

anyway yeah then i binged them all in a week or two because i was hooked immediately. and i got to see Saw X twice in theaters and had the time of my life

(and yes, in hindsight, i was SOOO not ready to watch this franchise as a teen LMAO. I can still barely look at gore. I think it would have sickened me. and yes, my parents are shocked I like these horror franchises so much now after being such a weenie kid)

[theres-an-impulstor-among-us]

Hello! Your answer to that last request absolutely ruined me (in the best way possible)

If you'd like to leave it completely ambiguous that's fine, but I was wondering about an Impulse POV of what goes through his mind when he wakes up and sees Tango? Depending on whether the game ends immediately after that, whether him and Brody have to do something extra to end the game, or if you want to go full bad ending and have the game carry on in that broken state forever.... It could be very different each way, but I'd certainly love to read that aftermath if you would enjoy writing it (because obviously I'm not in enough pain already :D /s)

this is a sequel to this one :D very glad that two of my favourite requesters liked it enough to ask for a follow up!

I also love my Patented Vaunna Uncertain Endings (as Shade put it lol) bc it leads to at least one person yelling at me and at least one follow-up request demanding to know what happens (/pos ofc i love all you guys’ requests)

also yes i’m so sorry Raven i only just realised i wasnt following you asdfghjkl i thought i already was

…

Impulse opens his eyes. Letting out a groan, he sluggishly pushes himself into a sitting position. His head feels like it’s being clamped in a vice, but he has enough wits to register the scene in front of him.

Tango is lying in a pool of blood just a foot away from him, arm outstretched towards him as if trying to reach him.

He can’t stop staring at his best friend’s body. Tango is clearly dead, and Impulse remembers causing it. So why hasn’t the game ended? It should have ended when Brody killed Endless, but it didn’t. Now the only two people left on the ship are the two imposters. There’s literally nothing else that can be done to end the game, except…

Impulse glances down at Tango’s tablet, then at the upload panel. At this point, he’ll do anything to end this game, even if it means losing.

So he picks up Tango’s tablet, ignoring the almost painful tingle shooting through his hand. The game’s code is uncomfortable with him picking up a crewmate’s tablet. And even though he can’t see the screen, he knows what the last task is. So he hopes that the game will let him complete it. There shouldn’t be any protocols in place to stop this; after all, when would an imposter EVER want to do a crewmate’s task?

“What are you-?” comes Brody’s voice suddenly.

Impulse turns to find Brody freezing at the sight of Tango’s body.

“We’re the only two left,” Impulse confirms. “We gotta finish the last task, even if it means we lose. Otherwise we might be trapped here forever.”

Brody slowly nods. He and Impulse are in an odd state; the imposter bloodlust is slowly starting to wear off, leaving him with an uncomfortable mixture of satisfaction and horror at the sight of his old friend’s dead body.

“I think I might throw up,” he groans, turning away and doubling over, hands pressed to his stomach.

Impulse just keeps going with the task, his heart starting to beat faster. He hopes this will work. If it doesn’t…

...he can’t think about that.

As the upload finishes, he squeezes his eyes shut and holds his breath.

He feels something shift around him…

…and when he opens his eyes, he finds himself back in the lobby.

But only one other person is there with him.

Impulse and Brody slowly look around the room, registering their situation, before simultaneously meeting each other’s gaze.

“This is really bad,” says Brody after a moment, stating aloud what they’re both thinking.

Impulse nods, trying and failing to suppress the feeling of cold terror rapidly growing in his stomach. “Y-Yeah. Where are our friends and why aren’t they here?”

Recalling Etho teaching him how to access the code, Brody pulls up the admin screen. Impulse anxiously watches him tap away at it.

“Is it possible to go back to that exact game?” he asks hesitantly.

“I think so. Gimme a sec.”

After a tense few minutes, an open doorway appears in the side of the lobby. Through it, Impulse can see the Skeld cafeteria.

“I’ve altered your code slightly so you should be able to see and hear ghosts,” Brody says. “Go see if you can find out where our friends are. I’ll stay here and make sure you don’t get trapped there.”

Impulse takes a deep breath. “Okay.”

“Good luck, my friend.”

“I’m gonna need it.”

Impulse carefully steps through the door, half expecting it to vanish behind him. But to his relief, it doesn’t.

Where the heck is he supposed to start?

After a moment, Impulse goes into admin. But the admin table tells him nothing except his own location. Next, he rushes over to security. Again, however, the cameras yield nothing useful.

Time for Plan C.

“SKIIIIIIIIIZZ!” Impulse shrieks, running madly through the hallways. “TANGOOOO! ETHOOOOOOOOOO!”

For a worrying minute or so, there’s no replies at all.

Then…

“Impulse!”

He skids to a halt in the hallway between weapons and shields, his head automatically snapping round to face the direction he heard the voice yell his name from.

That’s when he sees two ghosts flying towards him from navigation. “Tango! Etho!”

“Impulse, you can see us?!” yelps Tango. “And hear us?!”

Impulse nods. “Yeah! Oh my gosh, a-are you two okay? I’m so sorry!”

“This isn’t your fault, Impulse,” Etho says firmly. “You were just playing the game. And don’t worry, I’ve managed to save everyone else.”

“What?” Impulse’s heart skips a beat. “How?”

“I was able to access their code and send them back to their respective servers. Skizzle, Joker, Astro, Mrs Tango, Endless, and Evil are all safe.”

“Oh, thank God,” breathes Impulse. “What about you two?”

“I couldn’t manage to access Hermitcraft’s code,” Etho responds. “So I couldn’t send us back there. I think it’s something to do with the firewalls X put up a few years ago.”

“Damnit. What’s going on, Etho? Why’re there so many glitches?”

“I don’t know. But if we get out of this alive, we should definitely give this game a break for a while until it’s fixed.”

“I’ll second that,” Tango mutters. “But wait, how did you get here?”

“Brody managed to open a door here from the lobby. Oh, wait! Maybe you can come through it with me!”

He takes the ghosts to the cafeteria, where the doorway to the lobby is still shimmering.

“Brody, I found Tango and Etho,” Impulse reports to his friend. “Everyone else is safe. Can they come through the doorway?”

Brody hesitates. “They should be able to. Come through first, quickly.”

Impulse goes through the door again and turns back to face his friends.

“Will it be safe for us to come through in ghost form?” Tango asks nervously.

“Ah…” Brody grimaces. “It should be fine.”

Tango is not encouraged by his friend’s tone. “Are you sure?”

“I’m not,” admits Brody. “The likelihood that the game will either glitch or not let you through and delete you forever is worryingly high, but… I think this is the only way. If we don’t give it a go, you’ll be stuck in this weird purgatory forever.”

Tango shoots a glance at Etho, who’s gazing at the doorway anxiously, and makes a quick decision. “I’ll try it first. Then you’ll know if it’s safe for Etho or not.”

“What?” Etho glances sharply at him. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. 100%. I’m terrified outta my mind right now, but there’s no way I’m watching you go through that thing and disappear forever. No way in hell.”

Not daring to meet Etho’s eyes, Tango turns to the doorway and takes a deep breath.

“Tango, wait.”

Tango pauses and turns back to his friend. “Yeah?”

After a moment, Etho grabs him in a hug. “If we never see each other again, I want you to know that I’ve cherished every second with you and I’m honoured to call you my friend.”

Tango blinks, a lump rising in his throat. “D-Don’t. You’re gonna make me cry.” But he hugs his friend back. “I love you, buddy.”

Finally, he releases Etho and turns to look at Impulse through the doorway. Their gazes meet and Tango sees his own fear reflected in Impulse’s eyes.

“See you on the other side,” he says, his voice cracking audibly. “One way or another.”

With that, he steps through the doorway.

[albertasunrise]

It's Yours - Chapter 2

Chapter 1

Summary: You and Javier have been sleeping together for almost two years but after his name was leaked by the papers, he is sent home for investigation. You remain behind with Steve to catch Escobar but when he’s finally dead, you decide to go after the man you’ve fallen for. You don’t like what you find when you finally reunite with him.

Warnings: Angst, Unprotected Sex 18+

Relationships: Javier Peña x Reader

~

‘You’re what?’

That wasn't the reaction you were expecting. You stand there for a moment, holding the positive test in your shaking hand and you form your words carefully in your mind. He doesn’t say anything else, just watches and waits for you to answer him, surprisingly calm considering what you’d just told him.

‘I’m pregnant Peña.’ You state, taking a shaky breath before throwing the test at him ‘See for yourself. I have another back at the motel.’

‘And it’s mine?’

‘Yes.’ You reply plainly, giving him a small nod as you watch him process the information.

‘So you’re telling me that you didn’t fuck anyone else after I left?’

‘No Javi I didn’t.’ You spit, angered by this question ‘Was kinda busy taking down Escobar.’

‘Okay.’ He shrugs as he throws the test back to you ‘What do you want from me? A lift to the clinic?’

‘I’m keeping it, Javier.’

This grabs his attention, his head whipping up as he looks at you with a mixture of surprise and disgust.

‘You’re what?’

‘I’m keeping it.’ You reply nonchalantly ‘I came here to tell you because you have a right to know. It’s clear you want nothing to do with this baby and that’s fine. We won’t be bothering you again.’

You pocket the test and turn to leave, feeling your heart ache a little from how this conversation had gone.

‘Hermosa!’

You stop, but you don’t turn to face him.

‘Why did you leave without saying goodbye?’

His question takes you by surprise and you do then turn to face him, noting the hurt expression on his face.

‘I couldn’t stand the idea of saying goodbye to you.’ You answer honestly, one traitorous tear slipping down your cheek ‘Assumed you wouldn’t care. Not like you hadn’t snuck out on me in the past.’

‘I did care.’ He stated as you looked at the ground.

‘Who knew that that last night together would leave me with a part of you permanently.’ You say, a small smile crossing your lips as you rest your hand on your stomach ‘I don’t want anything from you Javi. I just wanted you to know about the baby in case you wanted to be a part of their life.’

‘I-.’

‘It’s fine Javi really.’ You interrupted ‘I wasn’t expecting you to be excited about it. You’re not the committing type.’

He stands there speechless, watching you as you climb into your car and drive away. He feels numb. He’s dreamt about the moment that you’d be reunited, your lips crashing against his and body’s tangling in sweaty passion. Instead, you caught him feeding the girl he’d been fucking to distract himself from the thoughts he had of you and he let out a frustrated yell as he watched you speed down the track, dust floating in your wake.

~

‘You partner left in a hurry.’ States Chucho as he watched his son staring out the window of the truck ‘What did she want?’

‘To tell me she’s pregnant.’ Replies Javier plainly, not taking his eyes away from the window ‘And the kid's mine.’

Chucho pulled over and turned his head to look at his son, taking in his dejected countenance and watery eyes.

‘So you were sleeping with her?’ He asks.

‘Pops-.’

‘Did you love her?’ He interrupts as he turns to face his son, his eyes searching him for the answers he seeks.

‘Yes.’

‘Do you still love her?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then why did she leave in such a rush?’

Javier said nothing, just gave his father a guilty look and Chucho looked away as he let out a large huff, knowing exactly what he had said.

‘You’d assumed she was going to get rid of it.’

Javier nodded.

‘But she’s going to keep it isn’t she?’

‘Yes.’

‘Are you going to be involved?’

‘God I don’t know!’ The agent grumbles ‘What kind of father would I make hmmm?’

‘A damn fine one.’ His father answers and Javier snorts in reply ‘You’ve always been good with kids, liked kids and I know that if you gave yourself the chance. You’d make a damn good father.’

‘Well, she doesn’t think I want to have anything to do with it so…’

‘Did you tell her otherwise?’

Javier’s mouth opens but no words left his lips, giving his father all the answers he needs and he lets out an exasperated huff.

‘Well, you need to find her and tell her Javier.’ He practically yells ‘I’m not going to have a grandchild of mine growing up without a father.’

~

You find yourself in that bar again only this time you’re sipping on lemonade. You fiddle with the rim of the glass as the barman, who you'd discovered was called Si, from the other night comes to stand opposite you, watching you intently for a few minutes before speaking.

‘You’re thinking very loudly.’ He chuckles and you look up at him in surprise.

‘Sorry, I uh… I have a lot on my mind.’

‘Perhaps you need something a little stronger than lemonade.’ He suggests as he lets out a small chuckle.

‘Oh, I definitely do Si.’ You laugh ‘But I just learned that I’m pregnant and so I won’t be able to have anything stronger for a while.’

‘Well, shit.’ Si exclaims as he looks at you in surprise ‘That fella you told me about. He the father?’

‘Mhmm.’ You nod.

‘You tell him?’

You nod again.

‘And?’

‘Wants nothing to do with it or me.’ You reply as you take another sip of your drink.

‘What a fucker.’

You let out a loud laugh that takes you both by surprise and you cover your mouth in embarrassment, Si smiling at you as your cheeks flush.

‘Look I’m off in 10.’ He starts as he places the glass he was polishing back on the shelf behind him ‘Why don’t I take you for a walk and you can tell me all about it.’

You think about it for a moment, eyes studying him as you consider his offer and then your mind wanders back to what you'd seen this morning. Javier with her, holding her hand, stroking her knuckles and you decide.

‘Sounds good.’

Sure enough, he gets off ten minutes later and he leads you out of the bar with his hand resting on your lower back. You walk through the empty streets, relishing the cool breeze after the blistering heat you’d experienced that day.

‘So what are you going to do?’ Asks Si as he throws his arm around your shoulders.

‘Well, I’m keeping it is that’s what you’re getting at.’ You chuckle, looking up at him with a twinkle in your eye.

‘Well, I'd assumed that… What I meant was are you going to raise it alone or?…’

‘Well my parents are dead so I won't be getting any help from them.’ You chuckle as you take hold of the hand handing by your shoulder ‘So unless I meet someone that’s willing to be with me and accept my baggage then I guess I will have to.’

Si looks down at you a moment before giving you a sweet smile and coming to a stop beside your motel's flashing sign.

‘Well.’ You start, looking at your motel and then back at him ‘Thanks for the walk. Certainly helped clear my mind a little.’

‘You’re most welcome.’ He replies as he places a soft kiss on your cheek ‘Can I walk you to your door?’

‘If you'd like.’ You chuckle as you start making your way up the stairs towards your room.

When you stop outside the door you look at Si and you smile, trapping your bottom lip between your teeth as you blush at the way he looks at you, despite knowing you're pregnant. When your eyes flit to his lips he goes for it, crushing his against yours in a bruising kiss that goes straight to your core. Suddenly it becomes heated, your hands fumbling blindly as you desperately try to open the door whilst he kisses and nibbles at your neck and one of his free hands travels past the waistband of your pants. You’re already so wet for him so it makes it easy for him to rub your clit in circular motions, making it impossible for you to focus on anything but what his hand is doing. His mouth swallows your moans and as you cum against his hand you let your head fall back against the door, his lust-blown eyes looking down at you make you thirst for more.

‘Want to come in?’

‘Definitely.’ He growls against the shell of your ear as he kisses your neck again and when you finally manage to get the door open you’re both tumbling inside in a mess of moans and kisses.

Little did you know you had an audience.

Javier watched as the barman for the bar he frequented fucked you with his fingers for everyone to see before you dragged him into your room. His heart broke as he watched it all unfold and then he felt nothing but anger before he turned and left. That hadn't taken long.

~

‘Good morning.’ Came a soft voice beside you and you let out a pleased hum as you felt his arms tighten around you.

Arching your back you felt his erection digging into the plushness of your ass and it goes straight to your core.

‘Shit sorry about that.’ Chuckles Si as he tries to move away but you shake your head.

‘May as well do something about it.’ You chuckle as you reach back and take his length in your hand, grinning at the pleasured growl you receive in return.

Grabbing your leg, he lifts it slightly before lining himself up with you, pushing in with one swift movement that has you both moaning loudly. His movements are slow but deep and he has you mewling as he hits that perfect spot with each thrust of his strong hips. You turn your head to kiss him and he presses his lips against yours, kissing you languidly as he continues to pump himself in and out of you.

‘Fuck.’ You whine, scrunching your face up as you feel your orgasm fast approaching.

‘You gonna cum for me gorgeous.’

‘Mhmmm’ You reply as it hits you, your walls clamping down so hard that you take him right along with you.

‘Fuck.’ He growls as he pants against the shell of your ear ‘I’d love to do that to your every morning.’

‘We’ve only just met!.’ You say with feigned surprise ‘At least buy me dinner first.’ You finish as you give him a cheeky wink.

‘How about tonight?’

‘Hmmm, I think I can move some things around.’ You reply as you grin at him.

‘Great.’

~

You weren’t expecting to hear three knocks at the door as you left the bathroom, towel drying your hair, you stepped towards the door and pulled it open.

‘Javi!’ You fail to hide your shock upon seeing him stood there.

‘Can I come in?’ He asks plainly and you nod, pushing the door open wider so he can step inside.

‘What are you doing here?’ You ask as you step into the bathroom to pull on some clothes other than your bathrobe, emerging a few moments later in a pair of leggings and an oversized t-shirt.

‘Well, I came to talk to you about the fact that we’re going to be having a baby together.’ He states plainly ‘Seeing as you didn’t really give me a chance to have my say yesterday about whether or not I want to be involved.’

‘Javi-.’

‘Swung by last night but you were otherwise engaged with the local barman.’ He interrupts, eyes fixed on a photo on your nightstand of you, him and Steve on one of many nights out in Bogota.

‘You were here last night?’

‘How long has that been going on?’ He asks, his tone cold.

‘Could ask you the same about the girl that I saw you with yesterday.’

‘I have been seeing her about two weeks.’ He answers plainly ‘Broke it off yesterday though after I saw you.’

‘What?… Why?’

‘Are you serious with him?’

‘We fucked one time Javier.’ You growl ‘He’s taking me out for dinner tonight but I can't say that I have had a chance to think about whether or not he's THE ONE’ You finish.

‘Right.’ He nods as he takes a seat on one of the bucket chairs opposite the TV set ‘Well I want a chance to be a part of this baby’s life. Whatever that involves. We have a guest house on the ranch, was doing it up so that pops could move into it as it’s all on one level but you are welcome to stay there until you find somewhere to live.’

‘You expect me to stay here?’

‘Well, I assumed you’d want to now that you’ve got a new squeeze.’

‘Fuck you, Peña.’

‘You’ve got Si to save me from that.’ He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, your face crumpling as tears start to fall from your bloodshot eyes ‘Shit… I.’ He scrubbed his hand over his face as he let out a sigh ‘I didn’t come here to be an asshole and fight with you. I came here to tell you that you don’t need to be alone in this. I want to be as involved as you’ll let me be. Come to the scans if you want, shopping for baby stuff, whatever else this all entails.’

‘Okay.’ You reply as you wipe away your tears ‘I haven't really had a chance to set any appointments up.’ You continue as you sit down on the edge of the bed ‘It’s all kinda happened so fast. I came back for you, found out you were with someone else. Discovered I was pregnant with your kid and then met someone myself. Nowhere in there have I had time to visit the doctor.’ You chuckle and he smiles in return.

‘Why did you come back for me?’ He asked, tilting his head to the side as he waited for you to answer.

‘Honestly?’ He nods and you sigh ‘Because I fell in love with you and I kinda hoped that maybe you had feelings for me too.’

‘I do have feelings.’ He replies and you glance up at him before looking back at Si’s number ‘But you like him too don’t you?’

You nod, biting your lip as you remember last night. How tender he was with you, focusing on you and your pleasure before his own, then proceeding to fuck your brains out and leaving you limp and sated. You’d talked then for a while. You learned he’d been engaged a little while ago and that his fiancé had been pregnant. You’d admired him as he smiled whilst talking about all the things he’d done to get the nursery ready for when they arrived but then tragedy had struck and she was killed, along with the baby, in a head-on collision. Your heart had broken for him and you’d felt something twitch in your heart as you watched a single tear escape from his ocean blue eyes as he recalled the memory of learning he’d lost them both.

‘I can’t lie.’ He says suddenly, pulling you from your thoughts ‘He’s a really great guy. Been through hell although I’m sure he told you.’

You nod and he scrubs his hand over his face again before sitting forward and leaning his elbows on his things.

‘If there’s anyone that will treat you the way you deserve it’s him.’ He finishes as he gets up from his seat ‘I uh… Let me know when you make an appointment for a scan or whatever. I’d like to go if that’s okay with you.’

‘Of course.’

‘And I was serious about the guest house.’ He continues ‘Pops wouldn’t mind. Kinda insisted actually.’ He chuckled ‘It’s up to you of course. The offer is there.’

‘Thank you, Javi.’ You nod, taking a few ginger steps towards him ‘I appreciate it and if it’s okay with you I will take you up on it. This place is costing me a fortune per night.’ You chuckle nervously ‘I’m paid up till tomorrow.’

‘Sure!’ He exclaims, it coming out a little more excitable than he’d meant it to ‘I’ll uh… I’ll get it straightened out then can come get you tomorrow?’

‘I have the rental car.’

‘Right yeah.’ He replies, shaking his head a little ‘Course you do.’ He pauses, licking his bottom lip as he looks around ‘I’ll see you tomorrow Hermosa.’

‘See you tomorrow Javi.’

~

‘So the father came by today.’ You say as you take a sip of your drink.

‘Oh yeah?’ Asks Si as he looks up at you in interest.

‘Yeah.’ You nod ‘He’s decided that he wants to be involved after all.’ You say as you take a bite of your food ‘He also saw us last night.’

‘If you don’t mind me asking. Who is the father?’

‘Javier Peña.’

‘Peña? The DEA agent who took down Escobar?’

‘Hey, I helped!.’ You exclaim and his expression changes.

‘You’re DEA too?’ He asks, eyes growing comically wide.

‘Yeah.’ You reply ‘That okay?’

‘Well yeah.’ He replies, smiling at you ‘Actually it’s pretty hot.’

‘Oh really?’ You ask as you give him a devilish grin.

‘Very.’

You ate the rest of your food pretty quickly after that before you were practically dragging him back to your motel room, kissing him with fervour as you ripped his clothes off and he yours. There was no foreplay this time, the two of your too pent up and so when he pushes inside you feel like you could cum just from that, hitting your spot instantly with the first thrust of his hips. The sex goes on for what feels like hours. You cum three times before he gifts you with his seed and then you lay there in his arms, drawing circles on his chest as you breathe him in.

‘I don’t want to get in the way.’ He says out of the blue and you look up at him with a confused expression ‘I like you. I like you a lot and I think this could lead to something really amazing but I also don’t want to get in the way if you want to try and give it a go with Peña. I mean it's his kid after all and-.’

You stop him by placing your index finger on his lips before cupping his cheek and kissing him softly, grinning when he smiles against your lips.

‘I really like you too.’ You reply ‘And you aren’t getting in the way. Surely you know that Javi is not the settling down type. Yes, we’re having a baby together but that’s as far as it’ll ever go. He doesn’t love me. He’ll love this baby. That I am sure of but he’ll never be able to commit to the two of us.’

‘I can.’ He says suddenly and you grin at him ‘I know that it’s a little soon to be saying that but I just want you to know that I'm not just looking for a lay. I want something real and I’d like to think that maybe we can have that but…’

‘Just stop talking baby.’ You chuckle as you shut him up with a kiss and he rolls on top of you as the kiss gets heavy again.

Pushing inside you again, he makes love to you before you both fall asleep in each other's arms, revelling in post-coital bliss. Meanwhile, Javier is laying in bed, staring at a photo of the two of you together. His lips are to your ear and your face is contorted in laughter. He can’t remember what it is that he’d said to you but he could remember thinking how your laughter was like music to his ears and how he could listen to it for the rest of his life. He wanted to but he knew that he was too late now. Si had captured your attention so you were lost to him now. He could never be as good a man as him. Pulling the photo to his chest he let out a small sob, tears rolling down his cheeks as he mourned the future he could have had with you. If only he’d told you he loved you.

~

Chapter 3

[roswelldetails]

RNM 2x13 - Mr. Jones

EPISODE SUMMARY:

SEASON FINALE — Having realized that a deadly threat has infiltrated CrashCon, the busiest event of the year, Liz (Jeanine Mason) realizes that she can’t save everyone she loves — and with Max (Nathan Dean) facing immediate danger, she and Isobel must make a heart-wrenching choice. Meanwhile, Michael (Michael Vlamis) finds himself caught up in the conflict between Jesse (Trevor St. John) and Alex (Tyler Blackburn) once again, even as Maria’s (Heather Hemmens) life hangs in the balance elsewhere, and Kyle (Michael Trevino) faces a moral dilemma when the enemy requires medical attention. Jeffrey Hunt directed the episode written by Christopher Hollier & Carina Adly MacKenzie (#213). Original airdate 6/15/2020.

DETAILS:

The episode opens with Isobel trying to hold back the fire. They don't actually show Rosa convincing Liz to go stop the explosion. But she runs up to Isobel and explains her science:

"I have to activate the ingredients first, but once I introduce my solution to the system it should kill the cellular matrix."

Liz literally squirts the console with her "solution".

Rosa is doing CPR on Max and praying. Max wakes up just as Kyle runs up.  Immediately Max directs Kyle to Flint instead of himself. It's interesting. When Max previously killed with his hand, in 1x06, he instantly knew that he killed the drifter. This time he wasn't sure (and he didn't. We eventually learn). Rosa and Kyle take Flint to the hospital.

Meanwhile Helena is saving Charlie's life.  

"Jesse Manes was the only one supposed to get hurt."

Which is...not what happened.  Jesse, Flint, Max, Maria...even Liz got hurt.  She burned her hand on the console.

Maria is being rolled into the hospital. She got there really really fast. Cam is by her side.

Liz is still squirting her solution onto the console. It turns red.  Liz asks Isobel to get people away but Isobel refuses to leave Liz alone.

Jesse, Greg, Michael, and Alex are still mid-standoff.

"Gregory, listen. You and I have had our differences in the past, but you should stand with me now."

"You're not well, Dad."

Jesse hits Gregory with the atomizer and appears to knock him out. He tries to shoot Michael, but Alex tackles him.

"Guerin, get the atomizer! Get it away from my brother!"

"Alex, I can't."

Jesse gets the upper hand in the fistfight with Alex and steals Alex's gun. Turns to shoot Michael again.

Liz makes more solution and squirts more of it on the console.  This time it starts to crack. Isobel pulls Liz to safety and the console shrivels and dies.

The dying console just doesn't work as well in still form, so @maxortecho giffed it for me! Thank you!! 😘

Max runs up to them.

"You disabled it. You saved everyone."

"Is Flint dead? Did you kill him?"

He looks at Liz with some heavy heart eyes for her being the hero. She looks at him with fear.

Back to the Maneses and Michael. Jesse has a gun on Michael. Michael has the atomizer.

"Drop it, Guerin. Drop it!"

There's a gunshot. Jesse Manes falls and Michael has blood on his face.  Gregory shot Jesse from behind.

"I should have defended you from him a long time ago."

"There are no more Manes men left."

Jesse dies.

Indeterminant time jump.  Liz is late for work.

"Sorry, Javi.  I just...I haven't really been sleeping."

"You've said that every day since CrashCon. You still having nightmares? …Did you read the papers this morning."

"Oh, I've kind of been trying to avoid the papers."

"Did you hear about that veteran who died at the carnival? They're going to have a parade, build a statue. Did you know he was disabled?"

Customers at the counter are discussing CrashCon:

"The CrashCon discourse is saying aliens invaded and killed the guy."

"That should be good for tourism."

"Newspaper said it was smoke inhalation though."

"He was making sure all the kids got out safely and the smoke overwhelmed him."

"We need more people like him."

Soooo much to unpack here.  And most of it is addressed by Helena and Rosa's exchange at the end of the episode. But the big question to me is… who is spreading the rumors and covering this up? Is it Flint? Is he even well enough to take the lead on that? Is it someone else with Project Shepherd that we haven't met? The mayor? I mean, Jesse was shot! There was a lot of blood! Plus, remember what happened in 1x11 and 1x12: it's a small town. People notice gunshots. 

Liz goes to take a table's order and, surprise! It's Diego. Who had gone back to Denver after CrashCon. He brought Dr. Margot Meyerson to Roswell to meet Liz.

Michael is visiting Maria at the hospital:

"What are you doing?"

"Oh they cut your bracelet off during surgery. How are you? You look better."

"Liz has been dropping by every day to inject me with witch serum."

"Ooh the synthetic nucleotide excision repair genomogenate? We're lucky you're only part alien, otherwise there wouldn't have been enough left of you for her to save."

"Listen, do you think you could use your telekinesis to open this box? Mimi left it when she visited. It's a family heirloom, but she forgot the key."

"Mimi hasn't exactly been leading you in the right direction lately. Her psychic visions led you toward a bomb instead of away from it. Seeing you like that -- all sick and pale and quiet -- I started praying."

Max and Isobel are at Max's house. Isobel is studying the photos of the console and alien symbols.

"I wish I understood why Louise and Nora would spend a year building an alien weapon of mass destruction."

"I don't think it was a bomb. I think it's a communication device. It's like a remote, you know, it just happens to be combustible."

"Are you mad at me, Max? Did I do something wrong? Is it that we're not related, or are you upset about the abortion? Because I…"

"Whoa, hey, God no."

"Because you're not talking to me."

"You're not the only one.  I didn't want everyone to worry, you know, 'cause I've been taking some of Liz's antidote. And things are coming back to me. Little flashes, sort of, mostly. Like vague memories."

"Michael said that you kind of zoned out when you touched that alien bomb...remote thing. Did it trigger a memory?"

"When I touched the console, I heard whispers that I could almost understand. All right, it's like the same with those symbols. I mean it's like their meaning is just beyond reach. Except for one word. I took this from Graham Green's display at CrashCon. See that? It's an aerial photo of some crop circles from Roswell in 1948. This farm belonged to a guy called Jones. Pretty sure it says savior... This is my name. Maybe that means you and Michael's parents weren't the only ones that survived the crash. Right, maybe I had a family too. You know, maybe my mom was just across town."

"Max. I really wish that you could just focus on the present. You know, I mean, as a recently deceased man, I really feel like you should be enjoying the simple pleasures in life, you know, like reading nerdy books, the smell of leather, and that feeling when you wake up before your alarm and the person you love is still asleep and they're kind of snoring a little bit. It's like the best thing that ever happened to you. Stuff like that."

"I want all those things too.  But I feel like if I only know half of myself, I'm only half living. And I know you understand that, Iz, because I've watched you this year become your entire self. And it is so beautiful. Okay, I am not at all mad at you. Are you kidding me? I am so proud of you. I am so proud that you're my sister."

Michael and Alex in the shed. For all that the shed is such a key location in this show's canon this is the first time we've seen it since 1x06.

"Maria made me bring food over.  I gave it to Gregory.  Seems to be holding up okay."

"Everything my family touches turns to crap. My dad used to talk about how my Grandpa Harlan built this she'd with his bare hands when he was, like, seventy.  For a long time it was my safest space. And the one night my dad destroyed it."

"You're right. This place sucks."

Michael and Alex start destroying the shed. In the next scene Michael breaks a floorboard revealing a skeleton. The skeleton is wearing dog tags, so Alex grabs them. In his shirt pocket Michael spots and grabs the key to Maria's box.  The tags say Eugene Manes III.  So this is Tripp's body. Which confirms for Alex that his grandfather killed Tripp.

Max and Liz are walking in the plaza.

"I don't understand the violence, Max. Flint could have had brain damage given how long he wasn't breathing. You risked your life to hurt him and he had already thrown the weapon away, Max, so why? I can't get that image out of my head.  You trying to kill Alex's brother."

"I know. I snapped. Last year Noah told me that we were energized by killing and not by healing. Even then I knew he was right.  I… Obviously I can usually fight that, but I guess this time my better angels just didn't show up."

"We have to stop keeping secrets from each other, Max. There's a scientist in town.  She's a supervisor at Genoryx.  She has a job for me in California. She's offered to sponsor my dad's citizenship. And it could put me in a position to help Rosa too. I mean, I'd be able to do a lot of good with the grant money they're offering, and I know that all sounds too good to be true, but…"

"It sounds like someone finally realizes how valuable your mind is."

"I think that a change of scenery will be so good for us. I mean, we could get a place by the beach and you could write."

"You want me to come with you?"

"Of course I do."

"Well, I mean, I just told you I have this killer instinct, and you want me to come to California with you."

"We'll figure it out. Okay? We'll figure all of it out together. Run away with me, Max Evans?"

"Anywhere."

Max goes to see Cam at work. She picks on him for getting arrested and has his mugshot as her desktop background because friends!

Max asks about Charlie.

"Yeah she texted me from a burner phone that she was all right and then she vanished again."

Max tells her that he has a doctor's appointment and then asks her to do some undercover work for him.

Michael visiting Maria at the hospital.

"So Alex thinks Harlan found out that Tripp was an alien sympathizer all that time and he offed him."

"So Mimi must have known that you would find it. That's why she left the box. Look, I know you don't trust my mom's visions, but I was the only one who could grab that atomizer and run with it. If it had been you, you'd be dead."

Maria takes off the bracelet.

"What are you doing? Maria, that prevents brain damage."

"I'm only part alien, but it is a part of me. Even if it's dangerous I can't just turn off a piece of myself."

"So I'm supposed to sit around helpless as you fade away? Maria, I cannot watch you disappear. I love you."

"I love you too."

"So can we just let this go?"

"You have it wrong. Mimi hasn't disappeared. Yes she can be inconvenient, she can make people uncomfortable, but maybe she's supposed to be an uncomfortable inconvenience that saves lives. And now I need to be inconvenient, and I don't want to be someone that hurts you. I think that we should find out what's next, apart from each other."

"Wait, so you think that if we break up, I'm gonna be able to stop caring about you?"

"I learned so much, being with you. You sacrificed yourself without hesitation when Alex needed you."

"I would have done the same for you."

"I know. I don't doubt your capacity for love, 'cause you made me so happy this year. And I loved being someone that made you happy. I just think that we should leave it be, before I wonder if someone else could make you happier. Open the box, Guerin. Let's see what comes next.

Skip forward to the Crashdown where Michael has the box in a booth with Alex and Isobel. He opens the box and pulled out a journal, which they in turn read aloud.

I did a separate post on the journal's content and the Tripp and Nora flashbacks here:

Kyle visits Steph in the hospital

"What do you think will happen?"

"What do you mean?"

"When I die, idiot."

"You know, Socrates thought that death was a blessing, because only one of two things could happen. Either consciousness ceases, and it's like falling into a dreamless sleep. Or you go to where all who have died before you have gone. Your loved ones, people you admire. If you lived a good and just life, you will be surrounded by goodness and justice, in a place without fear. Sorry.  I thought a lot about this when my dad passed, so I…"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I'm putting you through this again."

"No...I want to be here."

Liz interrupts them. She clearly wasn't expecting Kyle to be there and comments on Max's appointment.  Kyle gets up to leave.

Diego and Margot are talking in the Wild Pony:

"I was very impressed with her work when we first pursued her, but when I met her today, not so much."

"Why? 'Cause she had a little ketchup on her uniform?"

Undercover!Jenna staggers up to them and spills her drink on them, tells Margot that she's beautiful, and plants a listening device.

"Anyway I think we should move on."

"Okay, wait a sec.  Liz has been working on something recently, but she signed this NDA. Although I guess she can't be blamed if we took a peek, you know? Without permission."

The line that will haunt me for the next year. Kyle to Max while showing him what appears to be chest X-rays.

"You know what I'm saying here, right Max?"

Cameron calls:

"You were right. It is too good to be true. Diego just told some woman he can get her access to Liz's lab. He must have followed her there."

"Well, there's a security system."

"The way he's talking, it sounded like Diego's pretty certain he can get access. They just left here, Evans.  You need to tell Liz to get anything incriminating out of there - now."

Max arrives at the lab and immediately sees that the security system was manufactured by Genoryx. He uses his powers to break the system and get into the lab. He quickly searches through all of Liz's records and then pours what appears to be gas or lighter fluid or some other flammable substance all over the place and then uses his powers to set a fire.

He listens to the notes on Liz's recorder, which by the way has 22 minutes of recording on it. Some of what we hear:

This is my record of the dissection of specimen NB.

... immunoglobulin harvested from alien DNA can be transferred to a human recipient.

Commence dissection of the dorsal side of the spinal nerve.

I hypothesize that the female specimen's plasma…

Bracken's seminal cells indicate a pH level double that of a human counterpart.

I'm now extracting the grey matter to measure alien voxel signals.

Note that Max doesn't seem to have any chest pain this time when he uses his powers.

Right as Diego and Margot show up the lab explodes.

Max comes home to find Michael and Isobel waiting for him.  He's clearly exhausted and upset after the lab.

"Can whatever this is wait until tomorrow?"

"Jones? That's the guy who grew the crop circles in the shape of my name."

"Nope. We spent the day reading Tripp Manes' journal. Caffeinate, Max... Okay, so, when I asked Sanders about this photo of Nora, he said he didn't know whose hand this was. He was all, Mr. Bernhardt, Mr. Jones, Old Man Gibbons. Could've been anybody."

"Ten points to Hufflepuff."

"So in October '48, Nora decided not to finish building the ship with Louise. She decided to go to the reservation with Tripp."

"But then little Walt convinced her to go to the fall festival, where after successfully avoiding him for a year, she finally ran into the alien stowaway who had crashed the ship. He'd been masquerading as a farmer."

"Mr. Jones."

"Tripp saw Jones approach Nora, and he recognized him from the night of the crash, but he didn't have a chance to ask Nora about it before Harlan called for a raid on the farm."

"Yeah. And after the massacre, Jones was never heard from again. Crop circles were all that was left."

"If you were in hiding, why would you grow corn in the shape of an alien symbol?"

"Maybe they just grew that way.  It's the same way that this symbol just shows up everywhere, you know?"

Michael reveals his tattoo and it's the first time Max has seen it.

"Wait, when did..?"

"Oh, I got it when we weren't sure if you were coming back. It didn't feel like it was ever gonna be the same again."

"All right. There. Now can we all cowboy up and focus, please? Let's feel our feelings after we've solved the mystery of the unknown alien. After the raid on the farm, Nora was held by Project Shepherd."

Note...not actually accurate. Michael didn't get the tattoo until Max was out of surgery.

See Journal and Flashbacks post for the flashback.

Jenna and Charlie reunite. Relevant quote to remember:

Liz and Rosa find the destroyed lab.  Liz sees the fractal burn that indicates that Max is the one that destroyed it.

"I fought so hard to become who I am, and I just trade her in every time I get scared? No. I don't want to be on the run anymore."

Back to Max's house:

"Whatever happened to that thing that she and Louise were building out in the desert? I mean, did she ever tell him where it was or what it was?"

"Nope. And when Tripp asked Louise about it, she was silent."

Liz walks in and interrupts.

"Why'd you do it, Max?"

They go into the bedroom to fight.

"I'd been asking you for weeks to clear out that lab, okay? I knew it wasn't safe."

"Alex installed a military-grade security system."

"A system designed by Genoryx, okay? Diego could have hacked it. He could already know everything."

"And his nefarious plan is to what? Set us up with a condo in L.A.? Give my family a second chance?"

"Okay, I have a family to protect too."

"Yes, and you could have stopped Diego without destroying a year of my work!"

"I had to act fast."

"So your first instinct was to go with the one method that would break my heart?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking about your heart when I'm staring at jars with Noah's liver and his brain. I mean, what else did you harvest from us, Liz?"

"Those are just cells. I wasn't hurting anyone. I don't know what you thought love was gonna be like when we were 17, but it isn't just sunsets and horseback rides."

"You can't put this all on me. Okay you were sneaking around behind my back…"

"I apologized. I stopped. Max, you died this year. I was all alone because of a choice that you made, but still every single thing I did was for you and about you and with you. So when you were back, when I could finally touch you. When I could finally breathe. I needed to take just one moment to remember where I end and where you begin. To just be whole in who I am. I am a scientist. I am fighting for something that is bigger than me. I am trying to leave this world a better place. And I am in love with you. And right now, I hate it."

Liz leaves and Max takes another dose of the antidote.

Time jump. No idea how long or what has happened in between.  Liz and Rosa on the Crashdown roof saying goodbyes.

"Dad is checking your oil and making sure you have enough chile...also you left this in our room. Mom's been texting."

"Trying to come up with a better response than, go duck yourself… You should come with me. The Ortecho sisters take California."

"I wish. But I can't. I'm going back to rehab tonight. I want to see the program through. Sorry."

"Don't be. It's the best possible thing you could have said."

"You know… Max should be your road trip buddy. You love him.  You're gonna forgive him.  Besides, we both know if you try to leave town without him again, he's just gonna show up with some big, grand romantic gesture to stop you."

Open mic night at the Pony.  Alex and Kyle have a drink together.

"So how does it feel to have your father's murder officially avenged?."

"Feels like my dad's still dead. Flint should be okay. He'll live to become the new Jesse Manes."

"No he won't. I'm not gonna let it happen."

"After everything you still believe in redemption?"

"Well, I have a pretty good example of it right in front of me."

Alex sings his song. Michael, Isobel, Greg, and Forrest are all there listening.

Flash to Kyle going to Steph's hospital room.  The bed is empty...because she's up doing her makeup, her hands steady.

"Your hands are better.  Did they give you morphine?"

"I woke up this morning feeling incredible. Look at my chart. My numbers are up. It's a miracle."

"Or just really good science."

Liz is preparing to leave, her suitcase beside her in the empty Crashdown as she stands at the juke box one last time. Kyle runs in.

"What you did was reckless. And dangerous. And unethical, Liz. Thank you." 

Back at the Wild Pony, Michael watches Forrest listening to Alex sing.  He turns to leave. Isobel tries to stop him.

"It's a sad story, me and Alex. I have to walk away so we can start a new one someday. It's not our time right now."

"But it will be."

"I think so."

Rosa walks up to a bar.  She hesitates before going in, her hands shaking.

Liz buckles into her car, ready to leave.  She looks in the rearview window and waits.  She's clearly expecting Max to come.  But he's at home studying his alien symbols. She gives in and pulls away, leaving Roswell. Her season ends with her looking out over the ocean.

Alex finishes his song and Greg and Forrest are still there and are proud of him.

"Well, damn. How do you feel?"

"Like I just sang a song about a guy in front of a bunch of cowboys, and...I don't care."

"Oh, lucky guy, with a song like that."

"Yeah it was a long time ago…can I?"

Alex and Forrest kiss.

Rosa walks into the bar. Helena is there.

"If you came to tell me what I did wrong, your sister already texted."

"Did you get what you wanted, Mom? Is your score finally settled?"

"No. I wanted everyone to see Jesse Manes humiliated and weak. I wanted him to die knowing shame. But the papers say it was a tragedy. People like him - bad white men - they die heroes, no matter what they've done. People like us - we die villains."

"Yeah I know. I've done it. But I also got a second chance. So I get to leave a different legacy. The last time that I saw you, I said that I hated you. That's not true. I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, mija."

"I also told you to leave and I was right about that. Liz was free and it should have stayed that way. Manes is gone. There is no revenge to be had. No closure and no redemption. Don't come back, mom. Don't bother Liz again. I really hope you get better. Maybe you can have a second chance too."

Another possible time jump. Michael and Isobel pull up to where Max is out in the desert.

"How'd you guys find me?"

"Freaky twin thing. What's going on?"

"I took more of the antidote. Sorry, I should have called you guys."

"Save it. We are sick of being pissed at you for being so obnoxiously yourself. Why you look so scared?"

Pod Squad is investigating a cave. There's a door or opening covered by alien text with the alien symbol on it. It sorta looks like there's something behind it.

"Um, well, when I touched the alien console at the fair, something happened. I heard whispers that I couldn't understand...until now. I think when I touched it I unlocked something... Like a cage? The whispers led me here. I know it sounds crazy, but would you guys help me find a tunnel?"

"It's sealed up."

"I feel like we should learn more before we just busy that door open."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

There's a knocking sound and a voice calls out.

"Help! Is someone there?"

"If Max unlocked something at CrashCon, whoever that is has been down here for days without…"

"I need water. Please."

"There has to be three."

Note that we now know which symbol represents each of them.

The door shatters and they all react (Isobel's face is priceless).  

We flash back to the mysterious stowaway/alien hoodie dude/Jones. Louise fighting him.  Now we can see that it's Max. Nora kneeling after the crash with the hand on her shoulder. It's Max's face. He attacks/burns the military men/Hector Valenti.

The stowaway/Jones looks exactly like Max. Only with a really bad beard. 

"Howdy partner."

MUSIC:

1. Hootie & The Blowfish "Time"

2. Tyler Rich "Leave Her Wild"

3. Clay Rigdon "That Kinda Kiss"

4. Marc Danziesen "See Yourself"

5. Gloria Hart and Art Kassel "Frankie And Johnny"

6. The Score "Legend"

7. Sarah May Byrom "Rhythm Of A Memory"

8. Tyler Blackburn "Would You Come Home"

9. The Well Pennies "The Echo And The Shadow"

10. Valerie Broussard "Dark Side"

[frankiefellinlove]

Bruce's eulogy for the BIG MAN:

I've been sitting here listening to everyone talk about Clarence and staring at that photo of the two of us right there. It's a picture of Scooter and The Big Man, people who we were sometimes. As you can see in this particular photo, Clarence is admiring his muscles and I'm pretending to be nonchalant while leaning upon him. I leaned on Clarence a lot; I made a career out of it in some ways.´´

´´Those of us who shared Clarence's life, shared with him his love and his confusion. Though "C" mellowed with age, he was always a wild and unpredictable ride. Today I see his sons Nicky, Chuck, Christopher and Jarod sitting here and I see in them the reflection of a lot of C's qualities. I see his light, his darkness, his sweetness, his roughness, his gentleness, his anger, his brilliance, his handsomeness, and his goodness. But, as you boys know your pop was a not a day at the beach. "C" lived a life where he did what he wanted to do and he let the chips, human and otherwise, fall where they may. Like a lot of us your pop was capable of great magic and also of making quite an amazing mess. This was just the nature of your daddy and my beautiful friend. Clarence's unconditional love, which was very real, came with a lot of conditions. Your pop was a major project and always a work in progress. "C" never approached anything linearly, life never proceeded in a straight line. He never went A… B…. C…. D. It was always A… J…. C…. Z… Q… I….! That was the way Clarence lived and made his way through the world. I know that can lead to a lot of confusion and hurt, but your father also carried a lot of love with him, and I know he loved each of you very very dearly.´´

´´It took a village to take care of Clarence Clemons. Tina, I'm so glad you're here. Thank you for taking care of my friend, for loving him. Victoria, you've been a loving, kind and caring wife to Clarence and you made a huge difference in his life at a time when the going was not always easy. To all of "C's" vast support network, names too numerous to mention, you know who you are and we thank you. Your rewards await you at the pearly gates. My pal was a tough act but he brought things into your life that were unique and when he turned on that love light, it illuminated your world. I was lucky enough to stand in that light for almost 40 years, near Clarence's heart, in the Temple of Soul.´´

´´So a little bit of history: from the early days when Clarence and I traveled together, we'd pull up to the evening's lodgings and within minutes "C" would transform his room into a world of his own. Out came the colored scarves to be draped over the lamps, the scented candles, the incense, the patchouli oil, the herbs, the music, the day would be banished, entertainment would come and go, and Clarence the Shaman would reign and work his magic, night after night. Clarence's ability to enjoy Clarence was incredible. By 69, he'd had a good run, because he'd already lived about 10 lives, 690 years in the life of an average man. Every night, in every place, the magic came flying out of C's suitcase. As soon as success allowed, his dressing room would take on the same trappings as his hotel room until a visit there was like a trip to a sovereign nation that had just struck huge oil reserves. "C" always knew how to live. Long before Prince was out of his diapers, an air of raunchy mysticism ruled in the Big Man's world. I'd wander in from my dressing room, which contained several fine couches and some athletic lockers, and wonder what I was doing wrong! Somewhere along the way all of this was christened the Temple of Soul; and "C" presided smilingly over its secrets, and its pleasures. Being allowed admittance to the Temple's wonders was a lovely thing.´´

´´As a young child my son Sam became enchanted with the Big Man… no surprise. To a child Clarence was a towering fairy tale figure, out of some very exotic storybook. He was a dreadlocked giant, with great hands and a deep mellifluous voice sugared with kindness and regard. And… to Sammy, who was just a little white boy, he was deeply and mysteriously black. In Sammy's eyes, "C" must have appeared as all of the African continent, shot through with American cool, rolled into one welcoming and loving figure. So… Sammy decided to pass on my work shirts and became fascinated by Clarence's suits and his royal robes. He declined a seat in dad's van and opted for "C's" stretch limousine, sitting by his side on the slow cruise to the show. He decided dinner in front of the hometown locker just wouldn't do, and he'd saunter up the hall and disappear into the Temple of Soul.´´

´´Of course, also enchanted was Sam's dad, from the first time I saw my pal striding out of the shadows of a half empty bar in Asbury Park, a path opening up before him; here comes my brother, here comes my sax man, my inspiration, my partner, my lifelong friend. Standing next to Clarence was like standing next to the baddest ass on the planet. You were proud, you were strong, you were excited and laughing with what might happen, with what together, you might be able to do. You felt like no matter what the day or the night brought, nothing was going to touch you. Clarence could be fragile but he also emanated power and safety, and in some funny way we became each other's protectors; I think perhaps I protected "C" from a world where it still wasn't so easy to be big and black. Racism was ever present and over the years together, we saw it. Clarence's celebrity and size did not make him immune. I think perhaps "C" protected me from a world where it wasn't always so easy to be an insecure, weird and skinny white boy either. But, standing together we were badass, on any given night, on our turf, some of the baddest asses on the planet. We were united, we were strong, we were righteous, we were unmovable, we were funny, we were corny as hell and as serious as death itself. And we were coming to your town to shake you and to wake you up. Together, we told an older, richer story about the possibilities of friendship that transcended those I'd written in my songs and in my music. Clarence carried it in his heart. It was a story where the Scooter and the Big Man not only busted the city in half, but we kicked ass and remade the city, shaping it into the kind of place where our friendship would not be such an anomaly. And that… that's what I'm gonna miss. The chance to renew that vow and double down on that story on a nightly basis, because that is something, that is the thing that we did together… the two of us. Clarence was big, and he made me feel, and think, and love, and dream big. How big was the Big Man? Too fucking big to die. And that's just the facts. You can put it on his grave stone, you can tattoo it over your heart. Accept it… it's the New World.´´

´´Clarence doesn't leave the E Street Band when he dies. He leaves when we die.´´

´´So, I'll miss my friend, his sax, the force of nature his sound was, his glory, his foolishness, his accomplishments, his face, his hands, his humor, his skin, his noise, his confusion, his power, his peace. But his love and his story, the story that he gave me, that he whispered in my ear, that he allowed me to tell… and that he gave to you… is gonna carry on. I'm no mystic, but the undertow, the mystery and power of Clarence and my friendship leads me to believe we must have stood together in other, older times, along other rivers, in other cities, in other fields, doing our modest version of god's work… work that's still unfinished. So I won't say goodbye to my brother, I'll simply say, see you in the next life, further on up the road, where we will once again pick up that work, and get it done.´´

´´Big Man, thank you for your kindness, your strength, your dedication, your work, your story. Thanks for the miracle… and for letting a little white boy slip through the side door of the Temple of Soul.´´

´´SO LADIES AND GENTLEMAN… ALWAYS LAST, BUT NEVER LEAST. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE MASTER OF DISASTER, the BIG KAHUNA, the MAN WITH A PHD IN SAXUAL HEALING, the DUKE OF PADUCAH, the KING OF THE WORLD, LOOK OUT OBAMA! THE NEXT BLACK PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD… YOU WISH YOU COULD BE LIKE HIM BUT YOU CAN'T! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE BIGGEST MAN YOU'VE EVER SEEN!… GIVE ME A C-L-A-R-E-N-C-E. WHAT'S THAT SPELL? CLARENCE! WHAT'S THAT SPELL? CLARENCE! WHAT'S THAT SPELL? CLARENCE! … amen.´´

´´I'm gonna leave you today with a quote from the Big Man himself, which he shared on the plane ride home from Buffalo, the last show of the last tour. As we celebrated in the front cabin congratulating one another and telling tales of the many epic shows, rocking nights and good times we'd shared, "C" sat quietly, taking it all in, then he raised his glass, smiled and said to all gathered, "This could be the start of something big."´´

´´Love you, "C".´´

[maplesyrupbloodfeud]

Oooh! For the D&D questions, if you feel like it: 2, 16, 19, 20 and 31

:D !!! Heck YEAH I feel like it! Thank you <333

2. What do you think your D&D class would be?

Oh definitely Bard. I like being the "talker" in my friend group, I make a playlist for every month so I'm always thinking about music, and I like supporting my friends. Also, I live for the hi-jinks and the applause.

16. What is your favorite D&D pod/vodcast?

I don't listen/watch many D&D pod/vodcasts because my ADHD makes it hard. HOWEVER! I really enjoyed TAZ: Balance even though I still haven't listened to the last episode because I don't want to cry.

Otherwise, I'm trying (failing?) to keep up with Critical Role season 3. If you (or anyone) have any suggestions, I'd be happy to give them a shot :)

19. How did you discover D&D?

Oh boy. I uh. Well, when I was 12, I ran a role play guild on neopets. For things. And my co-leader's dad was really into D&D and was teaching her how to DM, which is how I first found out about it. I spent the next 15 years trying to find a solid game. Now I play at least once every week!

20. If you run a homebrew game, give an out of context spoiler.

Zombie pigeons and the Johns are only tangentially related. Like a six degrees of Kevin Bacon situation. That is if Kevin Bacon was a talented necromancer who had an ancient construct and children who were... passable necromancers at best.

31. Tell me about your current party!

We just wrapped up the first arc ("The Shadows and the Storm") of our vampire gothic horror campaign with these Lucky Fools:

Lt. Dandell (short for Dandellion. No, my friend didn't realize she had named her character Lt. Dan): changeling fighter who got turned into a vampire after someone decided to go off on her own to investigate a boss at level 5 or 6. She lasted almost three rounds against legendary actions though so she's pretty impressive. Not to mention, we killed that boss and she took his job as head of the city guard so... who's winning at the end of the day? She is somehow the mom of the group despite wanting to fight everyone all the time. We all have dark gifts and hers is Gathering Whispers so she tries to help ghosts and finally succeeded helping dead young Michael, Nathaniel, and Sandy at the end of this arc.

Doyle: former werewolf, now reborn rogue whose dark gift is Echoing Soul. He was murdered by the Van Helsing of this world but a god took his broken soul and fused it back together with a bunch of other, ground up soul pieces. Yay! He lost his memories in the process but was able to get them back during the campaign. At first he comes off as serious but he's actually deadpan and really funny when he wants to be. Still doesn't talk much. He cares a lot about everyone but especially about Dandell who he kinda proposed to :3c They were dating before he went off to get gud (morally/friendship-wise), which is funny because I would say he's probably the best morally and friendship-wise in the group. If I had to give him a group role, it would be the dad/leader??? Somehow???

Silvie: halfling circle of the stars druid with a Living Shadow. Silvie is terrifying in that she likes to pretend to be a good child but has made absolutely horrific suggestions that make everyone question her alignment. One time she set someone on fire and blamed it on the shadow. They burned to death in the town square, which did provide a good bit of entertainment for everyone so that was nice I guess (it was actually the shadow, it tripped the guy, and it was an accident that he was set ablaze). Despite this, she is somehow the moral backbone of the party and will yell at literally anyone if they're being immoral in a way that harms the party. She made friends with the BBEG and almost saved him! Almost. Now, she's cleaning up after the Battle of Cranzholdt by chasing down a mad vampire with the same guy who murdered Doyle. So that's a thing.

Warric: white dragonborn sorcerer who has a Symbiotic Being named Shiver that betrayed us at the end of the last arc by downing us all and stealing the BBEG's head and heart (aww but actually literally ripping off his head and digging up his heart in the woods). Prior to that little hiccup, he was the one who brought us all together as body guards for a merchant trying to get to the spooky city. His puns are legendary and he WAS the primary negotiator, crowd control, and even occasional confidant for the party. Due to his mighty wisdom of 7, he was also half of the team's "odd couple". Despite the term and the legal "domestic situation" his other half got the two into, they are not an actual couple.

Zai: my boy! my son! high elf artificer/alchemist with a wisdom of 6 and the other half of the team's "odd couple". *slaps top* this boy can fit so much ADHD and anxiety! His memory is abysmal on a good day and he likes to touch everything, which really isn't good considering his Deadly Touch. He's gotten a bit better but- for the most part- he's physically incapable of shutting up, lying, or leaving a conversation meaning Doyle has to drag him away mid-sentence half the time. After potentially losing Warric, Silvie, and Doyle, he has stayed in Cranzholdt to help dismantle certain centers of necromantic power, rebuild the university and associated lab, and live with his "hot vampire boyfriend" Governor Cranz :3

Thanks again for the ask and for giving me the opportunity to gush about these dorks I love so much <33333

[midgardianweasley]

usually whatever is on the telly is fine, whenever I enter the room they have something on but they're both on their phones but if you turned it off and left, you can be sure when you come back it's on again😐 my parents don't really like shows (aside from like a mini series or cooking shows, they watch those. we once spent hours watching hells kitchen and then my mum decided she wanted steak so we left at 4 am to go to a market a city over just to buy good steak) cause they don't really have the commitment😆

whatever you're doing now, next time he asks for some, try and do the opposite(maybe it's the sugar?)😌 are you kidding me?? that's like the definition of bonding!! After that, it'll be ride or die!

iced coffee is the only way I can take coffee😅maybe I should start with the coffee again🤔 nonetheless, that's amazing. I don't think I have ever, in my whole life, been able to do one shot, never say never though-

tiktok is just a tease I swear. the memes hurt a little less but that's only cause it's just a picture and not the actual animated scene, sometimes though they take it too far😔 oh I feel for you, sometimes when I'm watching a film and there's something that the writers did that I don't particularly like, I'd just passive aggressively complain about it while my family just looks at me like I just lost my mind, but nothing beats their reaction when I freak out about every attractive person who enters the scene😂(I'm surprised they haven't thrown me in a loony bin)

(well thank you for calling me fun, I'm glad you like talking to me<3)

(it was also pretty weird since I've been locked up in the house for so long but also nice to breathe the air. at one point on the trip it was freaky since we were using a GPS to get to the restaurant and it led us to this dark narrow road that looked like every start to a horror film, then after about 10 minutes of driving it told us we had arrived to our destination but there was literally nothing there. no street light, no buildings, no sign of life. nothing. was just all grass and trees. really scary but I liked the thrill😀)

it's always the fight over the tv channels 😂 my gran and i will literally go months without watching hells kitchen and then spend an entire weekend watching every single episode, it's too addictive!! I can't stick to shows when i'm on my own though, i need to watch it and finish it in one sitting otherwise i'm never getting to the end 😂love your mum for doing that though, 4am adventures are superior and now i want one<33

maybe it is?? maybe i need to put him in rice- but ride or die it is! he just needs educated, that's all..i hope??

iced coffee is always superior, 100%, you should definitely start again👀. and it's all in the sheer panic of everyone shouting at you when you have the ball and a teacher yelling out a countdown from 10, it's funny what you can achieve when you're terrified for your life😌

it's when you're already sad about it too, it just knows to add that little extra hint of pain 🥲. oh my god, my mum thinks the same about me! she came with me to see black widow, and she's always prepared for me to explain movies as it plays or go in depth about every reason why i don't like something about it/i'm upset. But when Natasha came on, i literally squealed into a dead silent room and was aggressively tapping my mums arm like "mum! mum, it's Nat!" and she just laughed at me and went "You need help." and of course the only response i could come up with was "Let's do get help." ...maybe she's right😬

(i'm impressed at how well you handle my rant answers 😂)

(first night out and it was like the opening clip of a horror movie omg 😂😂 i was in charge of directions once and typed in an extra letter on the postcode so my mum and i ended up in some random field when we were supposed to go and get our nails done 😂 i feel like you and i are both just chaos-)

[thescienceofapologetics]

Do you have a compilation of issues with Catholicism? I searched some tags on your blog and couldn't find much. I feel as if the Catholic church puts a bit too much emphasis on man and not enough on God, but I'd like to have some solid arguments instead of just a feeling. Thanks!

Here (finally) is a masterpost for all the asks I’ve received about this topic! I’m about to unintentionallyruffle quite a lot of feathers here, with having quite a significant amount ofpresumably catholic followers. Therefore, as always is my goal, there will beLOTS of scripture references to back things up, and everything I link to I doso because it also is saturated with additional scripture. Always, ALWAYS goingback to what the Bible says.

I wouldabsolutely agree that the Catholic religion puts a dangerous, even dire, amountof focus on the efforts of man, and we will see that as we dive into theirclaims vs. the scriptures. The false teachings of Catholicism will be in bold.

Grace plus works doctrine – Paul plainly addresses this problem in Galatians. The peoplewere adopting what Paul calls “another gospel” which was grace plus works. Thisis what Paul says, “Are you so foolish? Having begun inthe Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?” (Galatians 3:3) Let’slook at that verse again, Paul is saying it is foolish to think that havingbeen begun being justified by God’s grace that your human works will completethat. He says that is foolishness! Our good works are not what save us. It isGod who saves us. From the moment we believe we are completely justifiedbecause of what Jesus did in dying on the cross. That chapter goes on to useAbraham as an example, and I would absolutely advocate reading Galatians,especially chapter 3. Ephesians 2:8-10 says, “For by grace you have been savedthrough faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which Godprepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” God created us to do goodworks, however, the Bible is clear that good works are not what save us.Otherwise we could parade our own goodness, we could say “Look at all they goodI’ve done, I’m definitely getting into Heaven.” That’s not how it works. Salvationis because of everything GOD has done for us. The Bible consistently teachesthat “Salvation is determined by faith alone, and demonstrated by faithfulnessto obey God’s will alone” (John MacArthur).

You can lose your salvation – Romans 8:38-39 says, “For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels norprincipalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor heightnor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from thelove of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Once we are Christ’s, that isit. We are secure. Jesus died for past, present, andfuture sins. The sins of those who believed before Jesus came, the sins ofthose who believed while Jesus was on earth, and the sins of those who wouldlive after His resurrection. Jesus conquered sin, every sin believers ever have committed or ever will, and by believing in Him weare no longer slaves to sin or the punishment of it. If there is nothing youcan do to earn your salvation, there is nothing you can do to lose your salvation. Were salvation able to be withdrawn, we would have no peace, we would spend ourlives in fear that we had not done enough. The Bible has already said that no one is goodenough, but God’s grace is sufficient and it is everlasting. Romans 11:29, “For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.”

Baptism is necessary for salvation – Again,works based theology that does not line up with scripture and that is whatsalvation by baptism is. When the proper context is applied to the passagesthat appear to mention physical baptism alongside salvation, we see that the“salvation by grace through faith” doctrine stands. Because this is such aweighty topic, I’m going to link to an article that is rich with scripturalreferences. [x]

Confession – Confession is a part of repentance, but confession to man isnot required for salvation. John 1:9 says, “If weconfess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” God is theone who forgives us and the only one who is able to cleanse us. Our fellowChristians are called to hold us accountable, but the forgiveness of sins as itpertains to eternal life is something only God can absolve.

We are born sinless – The Bible says that we are sinners by nature. Ephesians 2:3says, “Among whom also we all once conducted ourselvesin the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind,and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others.”

Mary was sinless – Where does the Bible say Mary was sinless? The Bible says, inRomans 3:23, “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” The Catholics claim there are exceptions to this verse, that this is just ageneralization, but where does the Bible say that? There is nothing to supportthat view. There is never an exemption that says “this person didn’t needsalvation.” The Bible says that we are all depraved sinners, slaves to the law,and in need of salvation.

Praying to Mary and the saints – The simplest answer I have forthis is there is absolutely nothing in the Bible to suggest it is permissibleto pray to anyone but God. Mary is a created, sinful being, a human, just likeus, just like every saint. There is no power Mary or the saints possess exceptthat which is given to them by God. Neither does the Bible make allowance forpraying to angels. Praying to Mary and the saints takes the focus off of Godand elevates the creation to a place of reverence reserved for the Creator. “Who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and servedthe creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.”(Romans 1:25) The veneration of Mary and the saints is idolatry. More aboutthat can be found here [x]

Purgatory – The Bible is clear that there are only two options for theafterlife. Matthew 25:46, “And these will go away intoeverlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” There is nomiddle ground, no point after death which you can choose Heaven over Hell. Additionally,the idea of sacraments is baseless. You cannot pay off your sin. Not to mentionprayers for the dead are useless, as Luke 16 tells us that each person bearsthe consequences of their decision and one’s eternal destination cannot bealtered by others.

The authority of the Pope – “I marvel that you are turning away sosoon from Him who called you in the grace of Christ, to a different gospel, whichis not another; but there are some who trouble you and want to pervert thegospel of Christ. But even if we, or an angel from heaven, preach any othergospel to you than what we have preached to you, let him be accursed. As wehave said before, so now I say again, if anyone preaches any other gospel toyou than what you have received, let him be accursed.” (Galatians 1:6-9) As mentionedbefore, the different gospel mentioned is specifically a grace plus worksdoctrine. The Bible is very clear that anyone who touts a message that iscontrary to the Bible is not of God. The Pope holds no doctrinal authority overanyone. God’s word, the Bible, is given to everyone the same, and allChristians have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of them specifically to help,guide, and discern. God’s Word stands, and anyone who preaches contrary to thatis preaching a lie, a false doctrine, the road to Hell.

Other “scriptures” – The Catholic church has implemented additional books in theirteaching, adding to the Bible what does not belong. They have taken the perfectword of God and added books that contradict and/or detract from the truth ofthe Bible. The books of the Bible were not something that was chosen lightly,nor was any random text considered scripture. That which is part of the BibleMUST be scripture inspired directly by God Himself. There were guidelines andcertain qualifications that had to be met for books to be part of the Bible,and that resulted in 66 books – no more, no less. Psalm 12:6-7 says, “The words of the Lord are pure words, like silver tried ina furnace of earth, purified seven times. You shall keep them, O Lord,You shall preserve them from this generation forever.”Additional information on the inspiration/preservation of scripture can befound here [x][x]

---

From comparing the Bible with the core Catholic doctrine,it is evident that Catholicism is a false religion, the rejection of God’sWord, and the rejection of God’s Word condemns you to Hell. I meekly, humbly,honestly, implore my catholic friends to read the Bible, search for the answersin the scriptures. Don’t take my word on this, it doesn’t matter at all what I say.God’s Word is Truth.

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: I'm sorry Rio: I handled that poorly Rio: and that fucked up being there for you about the Chloe thing so yeah, my bad Buster: She ain't the one I care about Rio: I know Rio: but I care about you and I didn't show it Buster: Nah, what you showed me is that you don't know 'cause you compared me to him Buster: He's never cared about you Rio: I did Rio: I was angry and I just felt gross, not an excuse but I didn't mean it Rio: You know I didn't, right? Buster: I don't know Buster: I've told you before, lads have done a fucking number on you, I don't know how you think Buster: Maybe it is all the same to you, like Buster: And maybe this is fucked up Buster: 'Cause I did wanna fuck you and yeah, I've known you as long as he has Buster: Maybe everyone's right and I'm wrong Rio: Do you want to stop? Buster: I don't wanna be another fucked up relationship for you Rio: You aren't Rio: and it isn't the same for me but if you don't believe me you don't believe me, you don't have to Buster: I want to Rio: I know you ain't got much reason to Rio: and it was especially fucked 'cos of how Chloe did you Rio: I don't know, it was easier to say that when I thought you were attacking me about it Buster: I'm a cunt when I get mad but I'm not ever trying to put this on you Buster: I mean it every time I say he's the one who's fucked Buster: You could be a literal star on pornhub and it still ain't right how he is with you Rio: So am I Rio: Yeah Rio: I just don't like thinking about it Rio: never mind talking about it Buster: I'm sorry Buster: I just want you to be able to talk about it with someone so you don't think bad shit like that, you know Rio: Don't say sorry, I'm meant to be apologising Rio: It's not easy, I know you get that Buster: I don't care, I feel it so I'm gonna say it Buster: I wanna make things easier for you but I somehow fuck it up so Rio: You do make things easier for me Rio: never mind easy, you make so much shit bearable that otherwise wouldn't be Buster: Tell me how I can make this better too Rio: I don't know, babe Rio: I'm messed up Buster: You're not Buster: The situation is Rio: Well, a little bit, let's be real Buster: No more than anyone else Buster: Less than me Rio: Come on Rio: Ain't a competition either of us need to wino Buster: I still am though Rio: Okay, okay, I'll let you have it Rio: Can we be good? Rio: It's Christmas Buster: We can be good 'cause I love you Buster: And I miss you Buster: I don't care what time of year it is Rio: Promise Rio: Promise you don't think I'm too fucked Buster: Don't be stupid Buster: You know I think you're perfect Rio: I love you Buster: I love you, babe Buster: And I'm sorry, like it or not Rio: Well I'm more sorry Rio: deal with it Buster: Touche Rio: How are you Buster: Standard Buster: Are you okay? Rio: Are you being honest? Rio: I'm okay now we're talking Buster: I mean, I'm used to feeling like this, yeah Rio: That makes my heart hurt Rio: What can I do? Buster: You're doing it already Rio: I miss you Rio: What are you doing today? Buster: I just got back from the gym so I'm open to offers, like Rio: I'll think of something worth it then Buster: Don't you have work? Rio: Yeah but we've got a few hours Buster: I can make that work Rio: I need to do some shopping Rio: you got much left to get? Buster: No but like I need an excuse to buy shit for myself Buster: I'll still come with Rio: You can help Rio: I have no idea what to get, I got Pablo in the secret santa 🙄 Buster: You know it Buster: Always ready for heroics, however small Buster: That'll be easy Rio: Yeah, what I figured Rio: he'll be grateful for your input and so will I Buster: Yeah? Buster: I'll do my best for you then Rio: Yeah, you'll see Rio: What do you want for Christmas, seriously, I need clues Buster: I want you Rio: You already have me Rio: Goes without saying Buster: Not with the fam around it doesn't Rio: You know I'll find a way Rio: when everyone is in a food coma in front of the TV, no doubt Buster: That's why you're my fave, obviously Rio: I should hope so Rio: no one better be coming for my 👑 with a seriously good present, like Buster: I mean, Nance has form for good gifting but Rio: No need to tell me Rio: Least she's off my list Rio: not in a shady way, of course 😂 Buster: You've bought her gift before mine? 😒 Buster: Rude Rio: Awh baby, no 😘 we agreed to skip it so we can have money for Milan in the summer Buster: Good Rio: If I'm extra nice today will you give me a clue forreal? Buster: We'll see Rio: 😟 Please Buster: If you keep asking me that nicely Rio: Noted Rio: You getting me etiquette lessons? Buster: Fuck no Buster: Yesterday aside, I love the way you talk to me Rio: Yesterday won't happen again Rio: I promise Buster: You don't have to promise me that Buster: I'm always angry, I can't be that hypocrite, like Rio: I want to promise it though Rio: I promise I don't wanna be that mean again, even if I am, yeah Rio: that's a compromise Buster: Well then I promise too Rio: Baby, I missed you Buster: I love it when you call me that Rio: Good Rio: 'cos you are my baby Buster: I've missed you so much Buster: I couldn't sleep last night Rio: Me either Rio: It's hard enough when you're not there as is Rio: never mind not knowing if you're okay or if you hate me forever Buster: Baby, I could never Buster: Stay with me tonight, yeah? Buster: However late you're working I don't care Rio: I'm on 'til 1.30 Rio: I won't wake you if you're sleeping like an 😇 Buster: Wake me Rio: Only if I can do it in a fun way Buster: I'm not gonna give you a clue for that Buster: I reckon you've got it covered Rio: Not a total amatuer, like Buster: Good to know Buster: 'Cause I fucking ache for you already Rio: 😩 Oh God Rio: and your body is going to be so hard from the gym, please Buster: [sends some gym selfies from earlier cause you know he just has those] Rio: I want you Rio: Fuck baby Rio: I need you before we go out, like, there's no way I'm concentrating otherwise Buster: You've got me Buster: I'm right there with you, babe Buster: I need you so badly Rio: You're so gorgeous Rio: I want to put my hands and mouth all over every inch of you Buster: Jesus Buster: You have to, please Rio: I will Rio: Until you're begging me to touch you where you really need it most Buster: Fuck Rio: That's providing I can resist going straight there myself Buster: I won't be mad if you can't Rio: I bet Buster: I am mad that I have to get dressed right now though Rio: Don't Rio: not yet Buster: Say please Rio: Please Rio: I want you naked Buster: Okay Rio: I'll come to you Rio: Is anyone there? Buster: No Buster: But even if they were, I still need you here Rio: Thank fuck though Rio: but agreed, sorry everyone Buster: Are you gonna be mad if we don't make it to the shops? 'Cause you're not even in my bed yet but I don't want you to leave it Rio: Not even a little bit Buster: I'll get the cuffs out if necessary but I know you want your hands free so Rio: I'll be good Rio: for a little while Rio: then I might need reminding Buster: You're always so good, baby Rio: 'cos you earn it Rio: you're so good to me, daddy Buster: I love you Rio: I love you Buster Buster: Come and show me Rio: 🤤 I'm just toeing the line of staying turned on but not being so needy I can't drive Buster: Worry about driving, I'll worry about getting you there Rio: Stop being so hot then thank you Buster: You're the one telling me not to cover up Rio: 'cos the idea of having you naked and not appreciating every sensory delight of that goes against everything I stand for Buster: I know Rio: Now I'm distracted again Buster: As much as I want you to hurry up, I'd rather you didn't crash Rio: That's nice to know, babe Rio: romance ain't dead yet Buster: Shhh Buster: I'm saving the romance for when you make it here in one piece Rio: I know Rio: such a cutie Buster: Don't tell anyone Buster: Or I'll take the ice bucket I set up back downstairs, like Rio: 🤐 Rio: Good girl, promise Buster: I can promise now that nobody's here or they would have seen me by now Buster: So you don't have to stay quiet for long Rio: 😂 I'm glad you get to save that view just for me Buster: Me too 'cause I'm such a good boy that I didn't even slip my robe on Rio: 😋 Rio: you really putting in the hours to get on the nice list huh Rio: never too late babe Buster: 'Course Buster: I meant what I said, don't be sitting on Santa's lap and telling him what you want instead of me Rio: I was so gutted when we started arguing 'cos you killed me when you said that and what a waste Rio: not the only reason but you know, priorities Buster: 😂 Buster: How has he earnt that though like? Fuck off 🎅 Rio: Fair, only putting in graft one night a year is a bit of a cheek for all the hype he gets Buster: Cheers, babe Buster: So supportive Rio: You already know you my favourite daddy Buster: I like hearing it though Rio: I'll tell you all about it when I'm reeling off my wish list, like Buster: Yeah? Buster: While you can still speak, like Rio: Fuck Rio: I want that so bad Buster: I want you so bad Rio: I'm coming Buster: You're gonna be saying that again for me soon Rio: Can't even say promises promises because yeah Rio: I'm ready Rio: good thing we got a while to keep playing Buster: I'm gonna make the most of every minute with and for you baby Rio: Least they can't open Christmas Buster: Thank Christ Buster: You want me to keep you company tonight? I've got work I can do as per Rio: It's what he died for Rio: wrong holiday but still appreciated nonetheless Rio: 'course, likewise always appreciated Buster: 😂 Buster: I will then Buster: You can work on your focus while I'm being the hot nerd you like Rio: I'll do my best Rio: Lord knows you've got competition with all the rowdy work dos rn 🙄 Buster: Tell me what my word count has to be on my essay before I can go from nerd to hero and distract you how I do best Buster: 500? 1000? Let me know and when I reach it I'll reach for my phone and fave app Rio: Depends Rio: What's your total? Buster: 5000 Buster: Easy, like Rio: Hmm, you need to do 1000 then Buster: Alright Rio: How you doin' babe? Buster: How do you think? Rio: Keep on keeping on Rio: Poor baby 😢 Rio: Don't they know it's the most wonderful time of the year Buster: I'll remind you you said that at work later, yeah? Rio: 😏 Rio: the traffic around your way is the worst Rio: I've not moved in ages Buster: Well, if you don't need your hands on the wheel, use that to your advantage, like Rio: I like the way your mind works Buster: There are reasons you've kept me around this long Rio: I know, but if you wanna remind me I'm not gonna say no Buster: Good to know Buster: And likewise 'cause I'm thinking about how good it'll be when you finally show up Buster: So anything you wanna contribute is always appreciated Rio: [Pics] Rio: I got you Buster: Fuck Buster: You're so beautiful Rio: You're lovely Buster: I don't have words Buster: Taking my breath away too Rio: Cheap trick to get mouth to mouth Rio: but I'll allow it Buster: Now all I can think about is kissing you Buster: And just that shouldn't be getting to me how it is Rio: Why not Rio: Kissing is the best Buster: I just Buster: I never used to think so Buster: Breaking all my rules for you, like Rio: Well, you did need to work on your skillz Rio: but you know I'm the best Buster: You went from it weren't that bad to it was perfect, not technically but, back to shading me Buster: Damn Buster: Clearly I do Rio: 😬 Whoops Buster: 💔 Rio: Tryna motivate not bruise your ego baby Rio: You know I was still 😻 Buster: Yeah 'cause you loved me Buster: And you didn't know any better Rio: I do now Rio: Still 😻 Buster: I can't even play right now and act like its not like that for me Buster: You were good then, you're even better now Rio: Baby Buster: Tell yourself I'm only saying it 'cause I'm so turned on if you didn't wanna hear it but like, that isn't true Buster: I mean, I am desperate for you but Rio: No, I did Rio: I just don't know what to say Rio: or why you're so nice and perfect Buster: You don't have to say anything, baby, it's okay Buster: I know what you think and feel about me Rio: You do? Rio: Good, 'cos you've got to know Buster: I do Buster: Nobody shows me like you do, you know Rio: Better not Rio: I'll fight them Buster: Don't tempt me Buster: I wanna see that Rio: 😒 Rio: Be more typical Buster: I can't help that everything you do is hot Rio: You have fun with that 'cos I won't be going anywhere near you if you get with someone else Buster: I'd rather have fun with you Buster: You know nobody else comes close, right? Rio: Just don't forget then boy and we'll be fine Buster: Come on, I can't forget Buster: And if I ever did you can fight me instead Rio: I don't wanna Rio: You're too pretty Buster: You're not gonna be able to reach my face so it don't matter, babe Rio: Babe Rio: You know I know how to get you down on your knees Rio: Don't test me Buster: You say that like it's not exactly where I wanna be Rio: Not if you're getting beatdown Rio: I'm very tough and scary, remember Buster: You're so fucking hot is what you are Buster: I'd let you hurt me if you wanna Rio: There's nothing I wouldn't let you do honestly Rio: is that fucked Rio: I don't care Buster: If it's fucked we both are Buster: But it doesn't feel like that to me Rio: Me either Rio: You never make me feel like that Rio: wrong Buster: Good Buster: 'Cause you shouldn't Buster: You make me feel like I can do anything and I want to give you that too Rio: Lots of my exes have, hell, people in general Rio: Good, 'cos you can Rio: gonna be so fucking good, yeah? Buster: I hate that Buster: But it won't happen again, I'm not gonna let it Buster: You're gonna be proved right again, babe. End of Rio: Sounds like a plan to me Rio: Okay, finally here Rio: Time to prove why you're my baby Buster: Thank Christ 'cause that traffic was killing me Buster: It's cold, get in the hot tub Rio: You don't need to ask me nice or twice Buster: The champagne is already there if you wanna open it but I'm not in no rush for anything other than you so Rio: 😍 Rio: Jesus, I love you Buster: I love you too

[meditationsinausterity]

Imagine I'd managed to upload this yesterday

When I had a blog in previous incarnations i'd always include a feature where I'd do a weekly roundup of things i was grateful for in my life. I believe it was due to a brief fixation with Gala Darling before she went full lifecoach and I mentally called closing time on it (I have so much to say on the cult of lifestyle and its wilful economic blindness and self-servitude, but that's for another day), but I have found that consciously thinking about what things in my life I am grateful for does allow me to carry on, even when things are bleak, so I've been doing it in my diary ever since. It's since been bought to my attention in my support sessions that actually, cultivating the practice of actively looking for the good things does build that mental muscle significantly, and makes it much easier to channel it in the dark times. I'd go so far as to say that was true - i'm not exactly super-ripped positivity wise, but I definitely have a strong enough bright-side seeking instinct to keep it up in the face of the dark longer than most. And the more I do it, and the more often I do it, the stronger that will be.

Even focusing on tiny things can help; it reminds me of Pollyanna, that classic children's novel (and amazing film to watch at christmas when you're comatose on stuffing and ill-advised liqueurs). She gets crutches instead of a doll for christmas from the mission, and her response is to thank God that she doesn't need them. Even when that bitch does need them she keeps her head up and looks on the bright side. True optimism in the face of life kicking you in the dick. as a paid up atheist I personally would thank Fuck, because I can see, believe, and feel a fuck; so in that spirit, I present to you 'Thank Fuck It's Monday', my way of starting each week on a note of positive review of the previous one.

Enough preamble; this is what I have loved this week:

+Getting back into my city

I may have previously mentioned that my life was torn between being overworked through choice, and comatosely drinking wine on the sofa i slept on? Not so much right now. I've had a lot of appointments for this week, none of them particularly exciting or appealing, since they were all job centre and finance related, but I have walked a great deal, and seen a great deal. It reminds me very much of when I first moved to London and i started to get to grips with the geography of the city, but I lived in Portsmouth ten years ago, so a lot of my wanders have the superimposition of nostalgia stamped on them. There is also something about being poor enough to not be an active consumer, and therefore participant, in a city, that makes you stop to take notice of all the things that are visually beautiful, or even just distinctive, about a place as you walk through it. It's all a bit Baudelaire, the whole man of, but apart from, the crowd vibe.  I had a moment while I was waiting for everything to open on Friday morning, where I sat reading my book in a sun-soaked Guildhall square, and I remembered, simultaneously: graduating on the steps and having a picture with my best friend Dan; but also, wandering through it looking for my first linguistic techniques lecture; and also, having my first argument with my then-boyfriend by the modernist steps up to the council office. All this early twenties nostalgia was all superimposed with how lovely the sun looked hitting the square, and how quiet and beautiful it all was at half past eight in the morning. It's not quite the same as the beauty of initial discovery (which is always tinged with anxiety, if my memory serves me correctly), but I am learning to appreciate the beauty of rediscovery for what it is, and realize I've lived a rich and characterful life that i should appreciate against the backdrop of my rich and characterful city.

+Early mornings

I am not a devotee of the early morning rise. I used to say so very plainly at work when I was running pubs in London, and yet I was always the favourite of cleaners and delivery drivers because I'd be bright and enthusiastic when they came in to see me on an opening shift. I had a florist when I worked in Highgate who would give me the clippings from what he'd done in the bar because I was alert enough to chat to him and ask questions about the beautiful blooms every morning, and I never really thought much of it. When I quit that job he had to be reassured there was no funny business before he'd continue to florally arrange.

It's because I've been so used to being a sluggish, puffy faced witch in the morning that I'd allow myself an hour to get ready, plus another hour for travel, plus any leftover time at work to drink coffee and smoke fags, and get ahead. All to pre-empt any lateness anxieties (I get them big-time) and any curveballs that might come my way that could put a crimp in me bossing it for the day. I no longer have that structure to my day of needing to be somewhere and do something at a certain time, but I'm finding that with or without the need to, I am getting up early in the morning, making my bed, tidying shit up, and then cracking on with a self-imposed routine . I realized it, the other day when I was in bed with someone else, on their day off, and was taking one myself; I woke up alert and thoughtful and ready, and promptly moved myself to the kitchen where I mainlined coffee, wrote fuckloads in my journal and read Rosamond Lehmann until I was lethargic enough to not be an annoyance in the bed. I'm starting to ponder if actually I've only ever not been a morning person before because i am a late-shift worker with a tendency toward anxiety insomnia, since waking up and cracking on with things is making me feel far better about my day than I thought it ever would.

+The surprising efficiency and politeness of British bureaucracy

Now, I've mentioned my previous tabloid and 'glorious working class' related shame around job centre visits. Industrial revolution level refusal of charity plus a dominant nature of outrage and shame is powerful, make no mistake. Not to mention, so many people I know have told me horror stories about their personal experiences, or other applicants (I can't say I necessarily condone this technique, it smacks of trying to create shame). I was nervous, and I was led to expect the worst of my experience in the buildup. I channelled my inner Pollyanna to get there (while musing on shame and guilt as we've read) and sat in the queue scribbling on my copy of Cures For Love by Stendhal. I have to admit I was a little disheartened initially when I saw a nervously friendly German man in front of me get absolutely shut down by the greeting staff who refused to respond to his attempts to humanize his experience by saying things like 'I don't know if you remember me' into a wall of efficient silence. It made me really unhappy that he was attempting to be seen and recognized as a human and was met with a response of 'you're on the list yeah, go here'. But i ended up sat next to him on a functional yet cheerful sofa,and we had a conversation about philosophy as a whole and why I liked Stendhal as opposed to Kant (I will take what i can get, alright?). He remembered everybody's name and was as visibly nervous and uncomfortable with the whole experience as me. I'm sorry I never got his name before he chipped off to his appointment but it was a relief to feel like somebody else like there was like me; not comfortable despite years of tax and working, but also determined to be seen as a person because otherwise how do you exist? My fears were alleviated when I met my advisor, and she helped me with identification protocol, processed my claim, and spoke to me about clothes and fashion after an indepth conversation about retail. She was wearing a stunning victorian blouse and I asked her where it was from, and when she said the h&m sale I knew she was my girl. I went back the next day to see her with the supporting documents she'd asked me for and it was literally like we were mates, not like she'd bent over backwards for me to get my documents processed super quickly, which she absolutely had. I'm calling fie on stories about the job centre; you may not like to have to be there very much but there are people there who are on the level and see who you are. I have left there feeling very lifted even when I arrived home rain soaked and frozen.

Honorary mentions:

Hearing songs I forgot I loved everywhere and it making me remember all the times that were good in my life - kissing someone briefly in a lift to say bye and thinking i might have been too bold but hearing them toot me on their way to work and nearly bursting - instant coffee - oranges in all their forms - seeing a thereapeutic technique (reaching out to people when you're not down to make you more adept at it when you are) pay off to give you a richer life - dalston drinks cherryade - listening to the radio again and remembering how much I genuinely love music - being able to cut my own hair and look good - tinned fish in all its forms - honest and frank conversations that needed to be had - being somewhat horrendous at video games but overcompensating by being a prick - getting slowly back to a skincare regime - the phrase 'you ate the same amount as me' - remembering I can make gravy the way I used to - getting my birth certificate - discovering things I want to see and do in my hood - having and maintaing excellent nails - hair oil in any form - Dan who works for LG and his hilarious service style - sleeping like a dead person and waking up feeling good.