#TW: Child Loss

[ofmermaidstories]

do u think u’d forgive ur pro hero husband if he and ur preteen were out one day without u and something went wrong that resulted in a city-wide emergency? something that resulted in his pro hero best friend (ashen face, shiny eyes) coming to get u? something that his pro hero best friend kept telling you he was sorry, im so sorry over and over again for? something that has him leading u to ur very alive, very devastated and very minus one child pro hero husband? or do u reckon that’d be the beginning of the end for pretending u play by the same rules as everyone else does?

[starryscale-art]

there were supposed to be two of you

(for a qotd somewhere about the worst day of your oc's life :') welcome to jai's )

[imaginarycyberpunk2023]

OC: Macha Richter // Dark Days pt 1/3

This is very dark so I am putting it under a readmore

At Arasaka Macha meets a man she is supposed to marry and he gets her pregnant but has his own selfish reasons. Before she can give birth, the embryio is taken from her with force. She leaves Arasaka full of grief, bitterness and rage. She barely survives the operation and she doesn't even know how she can go on.

She does feel very self-destructive for a time. Which is part of what I am trying to show.

This hurt a lot shooting it for very personal reasons and I had it sitting in my drafts for a long time. But I think it's time, because I am processing so much lately and this is processing for me.

[deliver-the-light]

tw: discussion of infertility/child loss

Doing some timeline stuff and trying to figure out everyone’s ages made me realize how odd it is that Henry/Nerissa are so much older than Luxa.

Which lead me to think about courting/marriage/childbearing customs in Regalian culture, especially in regards to the royal family. Which made me realize that Luxa’s parents probably were married and trying for heirs before the kings younger brother (Henry’s father) would be starting his family.

So why are Luxa’s cousins years older than her? It also doesn’t make sense that her parents would have only had one heir. It’s very common to make a few spares (even in peace times). They didn’t die until AFTER Gregor’s father fell. Luxa would have been somewhere between 9-10 years old. The fact that she doesn’t have siblings is very telling.

Luxa’s parents struggled with fertility issues for at least 5 years before her birth and for about 10 after. That’s why Luxa’s name doesn’t match her family’s tradition of naming children after Shakespearean references. She IS their Lux, their light.

I am not okay.

[the-castle-of-dimitrescu]

Alcina had been lounging in bed texting Raine goodnight, as she was in Manchester visiting Sam and Wendy, when she had felt the first tremors of cramps flutter across her abdomen.

Beyond taking her by surprise, she had thought nothing of it, as she had suffered from the occasional cramping when she had been pregnant with Bela and Cassandra. She turned a bit, adjusting until she was comfortable once more, her left arm draped over the small bump that had begun taking form.

"Settle down in there, sweet one..." She breathed, her palm cupping the base of her bump, thumb gently brushing across her skin. "I know you miss mama too, but let's not get too ruffled up over her absence. She'll be home soon, my little one."

She had just settled and begun dozing back off to sleep when the next bout of cramping occurred, this time far more painful than the last. She pushed herself upright, gasping at the pain, immediately pushing off the duvet and settling her feet on the floor.

Nausea had soon coiled within her, and she soon feared the worst. She grabbed the bedside table, her knuckles going white at the strain, as a cry of pain finally worked its way through her. She doubled over, left arm wrapped around her abdomen, tears dripping down her cheeks.

The door to her bedroom opened, followed by the sound of footfalls approaching, before Bela and Cassandra were before her, their eyes wide as they began asking her what was wrong.

"Mother, how can we help?" Bela questioned, kneeling before Alcina, gazing up at her mother's pained expression. She looked over to Cassandra, who gently sat beside their mother, watching her intently as she rocked against the pain.

"Sick..." Alcina breathed, the word strangled by the lump in her throat. "Bela, trash can... Please..."

Bela grabbed the nearby trash can, handing it to her mother, who took it and immediately emptied the meager contents of her stomach into it. Cassandra rubbed circles over their mother's back, while Bela now made her way into the bathroom to grab a cloth, dousing it with cold water before returning and placing it on the back of Alcina's neck, holding it in place.

"Is it morning sickness, Mother?" Cassandra questioned, her head tilted slightly as she looked at Alcina, who was dabbing at her lips with a kleenex that Bela had handed her.

Before she could respond, she felt it. The sickening warm liquid against her thighs. The sticky feeling of moisture against her skin. Another sob tore through her as new tears sprang forth.

"No... No, no, no!" She cried, the trash can nearly spilling onto the floor as it dropped from her shaking hands.

She tried to push herself up from the bed, but her body was exhausted. Tried a second time, another sob wracking her body, before the girls helped her to her feet.

Blood trickled down her legs, and it took everything in her, and from the girls, to keep herself upright. Bela gasped, Cassandra cringed, both of them knowing now what had happened. Without a word, they led their mother into the bathroom, supporting her shaking form. They helped her onto the toilet before Bela turned to the bathtub, beginning the process of running a hot bath, glancing back at Cassandra, who nodded her understanding before leaving back to the bedroom, calling Irena from downstairs to come help her.

Once Bela was satisfied with the bath she'd run, she turned back to see her mother hunched over, blood still staining her pale skin, both arms wrapped around her abdomen as her body fought to expel the fetus that had been forming within her womb.

Bela allowed herself to crack then, closing the distance between them and wrapping her arms around her mother in a tender hug, her face pressed into Alcina's raven locks, her shoulders shaking with the tears that refused to fall.

She felt her mother hug her back, her arms wrapped around Bela's waist, new tears dampening Bela's shirt as the young woman gingerly ran her hands over her mother's back.

"Mother...? Do you want me and Cass to help you? Or would you like Irene to do so instead?" Bela questioned, pulling back just enough to wipe at her red-rimmed eyes before kneeling down before her mother once more, gazing up into her blue eyes.

"I... I don't want you or Cassandra... To see this, my butterfly." Alcina whispered, her voice hoarse and broken as a few stray tears dripped down her cheeks. "Please ask Irene... To help me..."

Bela leaned up and kissed Alcina's cheek, nodding her head before rising from the floor once more, giving her mother's hand a tight squeeze before walking back into the bedroom.

Once she was alone, Alcina felt the muscles of her abdomen clench, her lower back screaming in protest, as the last of the cramps finally began to subside, leaving her wanting to curl up into a ball on the cool linoleum floor. She felt the clots pass through her, felt the blood drain from her face, leaving her nauseated all over again.

A handful of minutes passed where all she could do was stare at her bloodied legs, at the remnants of the child that her body had refused, at the lost potential for life that she and Raine were going to raise together. When Irene made her appearance known, Alcina could only stare numbly as the woman helped her shed her soiled clothes before leading her to the tub and helping her in, giving her a few more minutes alone as she took Alcina's clothes down to be washed.

----

Bela held her phone loosely in her hands, gazing down at Raine's contact info, at the last text message she had sent just the other day.

'We're so excited for you both!' She had said, truly happy for her mother and Raine to finally be expecting.

They had gone through several trials with IVF treatment, which Raine had insisted on doing first. Turns out that she had been unable to carry a child, and so Alcina had insisted upon doing so.

But now that hope had been dashed, that happiness lost, and all that remained was to tell Raine what had happened that night. She had done the calculation, and it was almost 9am in England, and knowing Raine she was already up and about, going through her day thinking that Alcina was still growing a life within her.

Bela knew that sending a text saying otherwise would break the last fragile strings of her heart, and would also send Raine to the first plane out of Manchester to come home. It had been nearly a year since she had seen her family, and Bela didn't want to ruin that for her, but she didn't know what else to do.

She stood from her bed, phone still help in her hand, and returned to her mother's room, looking at Alcina, who was now perched on the edge of the bed, gazing blankly out of the windows over the vineyard.

"Mother? Can I come in?" She questioned, watching as Alcina startled just slightly before nodding her head in confirmation.

Bela approached her, settling onto the mattress beside her, gently taking hold of her mother's hand once more as she took in the pained expression on her face.

"Mother?" She questioned, leaning forwards slightly so she could see her mother's eyes. Alcina turned her head just enough to look at her, her eyes still red and glassy. "Do you... Do you want me to call Raine?"

Alcina's eyes widened, worry now creeping across her features as she squeezed Bela's hand just a little tighter.

"Oh God..." Alcina gasped, tears welling in her eyes once more. "No... No, not yet... It'll break her heart..."

"Mother, she's your wife." Bela replied, lacing her fingers with her mother's. "I think she should know. I think she would want to know."

"I don't want to take her away from her parents, my butterfly... She's been so excited to see them..."

"Mother, I think they would understand if Raine had to cut her visit short. She should be here with you. Hell, I'm positive she would rather be here with you, now more than ever." Bela assured Alcina, gazing intently into her mother's eyes. "You're going through a traumatic experience, wouldn't you want her here to help you through it?"

"Of course I would..." Alcina replied, her voice cracking as her right hand settled on the swell of her abdomen, a subconscious motion that would take weeks to get out of her system. "More than anything I want her to be here..."

"Then let me call her, Mother. I'll tell her so you don't have to just yet." Bela gently brushed a stray lock of wet hair back behind her mother's ear, giving her a small, strained smile. "Okay?"

Alcina leaned towards Bela, pressing their foreheads together as she released a shuddering breath, her lips drawn down in a frown as she nodded her head in agreement, the lump in her throat too tight to push words past.

"Do you want me to sit here with you while I call her? Or do you want me to step out into the hall?"

Alcina held tightly to Bela's hand, refusing to let her daughter leave. Bela understood, and just as she had hit the dial button, Cassandra joined them, settling in against Alcina's other side, her arms wrapping around their mother.

Raine picked up on the second ring.

"Bela? Kiddo, it's pretty late in Napa, what are you doing up still?"

"Mom? I need you to sit down for a minute."

Shuffling could be heard in the background, as well as muffled voices, before Raine spoke once more.

"Okay... What's going on, sweetheart? Is everything alright?"

"Mom... Mother just had a miscarriage."

Silence followed, and then the muffled voices returned, louder this time, and Bela knew that her new grandparents had heard as well. She could hear them clamoring about, before the phone hit a surface, and a new voice slowly came back over.

"Bela? It's Wendy. We're going to pack and get on the first plane we can to come out, okay love? You and your sisters take care of your mother until we get there. We'll be in touch as soon as we arrive."

"We can do that... Thank you..."

The line disconnected shortly after, leaving the three women sitting in silence. Bela turned to look at her mother then, following her sister's lead and wrapping her arms around Alcina in a hug.

"We should go to the hospital, Mother... We can ask Uncle Karl to drive us."

Alcina didn't have the strength to protest, and simply agreed. Bela called her uncle, who said he'd be over immediately to pick them up.

They waited together in the silence, nothing said but everything understood.

Their mother had just suffered a miscarriage.

Raine had just lost another child.

They had just lost their sibling.

[matteo-dambrosio]

“I’ve held it together but a night like this, is begging for me to fall apart.” - Unknown

December 12th, 2023

“Where have you been?! It’s been weeks, Matteo, with not a word from you!”

The elder, Italian woman was screaming the moment her son walked through the threshold of the home they shared together. There was a mixture of relief and anger in her eyes, her hands gripping onto the fabric of his coat while Matteo attempted to set his luggage on the ground.

Matteo remained silent, enveloping his mother into his arms and holding her close. Her screaming ended, burying her face into his chest as she cried. “I thought you had died when you didn’t call home,” she said in a shaky whisper.

A part of me did, he wanted to say but he remained silent, his hand rubbing his mother’s back to calm her.

“I’m sorry,” was all he could say.

As the days passed, his mother and father began to see the change in their son. Matteo hardly ate and remained locked in his own room, isolated and alone. He would only leave the house for work, returning late into the evening.

It was Friday night and Matteo lay in his bed. His phone propped against his chest, wordlessly scrolling through the few photos they had taken with their son. He had looked at them so many times, he had his son’s face memorized down to the smallest freckle.

Hastily wiping away the fallen tear, he sat up abruptly when he heard the handle move. “What?”

The hard knocking came immediately after. “Matteo, open the door. Your father and I would like to speak with you,” she said.

Matteo exhaled a slow, controlled breath and locked his phone, tossing it on the bed while he walked to the door. He unlocked the bedroom door, opening it and retreating to his bed. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t have to. His father spoke first.

“What has been going on? We can tell there’s just something you’re not telling us so what is it?” his father asked, staring at his son’s face though Matteo didn’t look at him.

Matteo’s jaw tightened, staring at the floor. He took a hand and raked his fingers through his hair. “I have a girlfriend…” he started to say but was immediately cut off by his mother.

“I knew it! Didn’t I tell you? It’s the reason he’s been so secretive,” said his mother to her spouse. “Well, where is she? Do we know her family? Please tell me it’s that girl from church.”

A hollow laugh escaped Matteo. He felt so empty, so broken. “She’s from Greece. Santorini, all her family lives here. It’s where I’ve been,” he explained, seeing his father’s fingers curl into a fist as he said this. “And we have a son.”

The final words Matteo spoke were enough to cause his mother to step forward. Her hand came across his face, the sound of the slap piercing the silence.

Matteo said nothing more, only feeling the skin on his cheek sting from the blow his mother had given him. The room was filled with screaming. Vile, cruel words were hurled at Matteo. Disgrace to the family. Dishonor. Bastard child.

Matteo rose to his feet at the mention of his son. “Don’t you ever speak ill of him again,” he threatened, his tone cold as he addressed his father. His eyes bore into his.

“Leave this house. You’re no longer a part of this family,” spat his father, his mother crying against her husband.

Matteo took a step back so he could collect the luggage he didn’t bother to unpack. “A good father would have never said those words to his son. I know this because I would have never said any of this to Alessandro, no matter what situation he’d find himself in. Never,” Matteo said, moving past his parents without a backwards glance. He held his head up as he left the house, leaving his parents in their despair.

He texted Ava once he arrived at the airport. “I’m on my way home. I’ll see you soon, amore,” was all he said before pocketing the phone and heading towards his gate.

[salemsimss]

Just so you know, you will always be the hardest thing I will let go.

standalone images below the cut

[deerfellow]

fic where egg a1 lives

[wickedmaidedits]

hi!! do u have any headcanons for charles eyler or vincent fenell? :3

anon i am SHAKING YOU RN /pos thank you sm for giving me a chance to ramble ab hello charlotte. vincent and charles have taken up my brain for years at this point so!!! headcanon time!!!!

there are some darker headcanons I'll be including here because of the nature of hello charlotte, so please heed the tags!

(also i do rlly like vincharles, but they both need intense therapy first please)

For both of them: I'm not sure if it's canon/implied, but Ink Princess and Paper Princess are based on the two of them!

CHARLES EYLER!

his pronouns fluctuate very often! she only actually realised this in the false realm, when he had preferences for specific vessels on specific days

her birthday is November 5th! (pretty sure they have no confirmed birthday as of yet)

genderfluid (canon), demiromantic, unlabeled sexuality but attracted to men + enby ppl

they're canonically suspected to be autistic, so I hc that their ocs are their special interest!

cannot distinguish types of attraction from one another. Ever

dysphoria worsens every time his mother asks her to be a 'good girl', because of the thought that scarlett would've been his mother's only 'real' daughter

VINCENT FENNELL!

transmasc agender, uses they/he prns

doesn't like putting labels on gender or sexuality, finds them restrictive and unnecessary

also autistic! the whole mask metaphor in HG just screams it to me

didn't fully believe in the universe birth theory, just using it to comfort themselves. (mainly based on the goodbyes between him and charles)

this one is more of a general HC headcanon, but the house tenants (felix, aiden, etc.) were characters from aether almanac and/or charles' fics of it! huxley was the copy of the scientist that we see in the HG Aether Almanac interlude

DARKER HCS!

Charles: has self-harmed often, usually hallucinating that it is scarlett actually doing it to him. part of the reason he is frightened to disobey her.

Charles: chose to end her life the way he did because it felt like the 'cleanest' way to do so.

Charles: did originally plan to jump with vincent. tried to make up for it to themselves in the hotel scene

Vincent: originally, i feel they were going to ask to stay with charles to escape their family rather than commit suicide, but after hearing bits and pieces of charles' own life didn't want to stress her out with an extra burden. if they had just asked, charles would have taken them in within a heartbeat.

[greatunironic]

everything in its right place pls?

this bad boy is definitely a lower on the wip list but it holds a special place in my heart, and it's all for the same reason: it's the start of another series of interconnected au fics with steve at the heart of it. it is also another scrapped big bang idea, mainly because i knew it was going to grow into something much larger. and if you recognize where the title comes from, you'll be able to tell just what au it is before you read the snippet below!! (and the end of the snippet won't be quite as alarming...)

It is a small, private affair. The Harringtons, when they’d moved to town years ago with Danny’s work, had kept mostly to themselves: Lane had never been the friendliest of women, desperately shy and content to spend her time in the company of their baby boy only; and Danny himself had never had time to make friends, between the demands of his research and the demands of his family. Neither of them had minded this, and Steve had loved it — loved his parents’s affection and single-minded attention, their devotion. They were all each other needed, and they liked it that way. So when Steve gets sick, there’s really no one for Danny to tell besides Martin and Sam and Cathy. So when Steve gets worse, there’s Lane, alone in the house with their only son, and Danny, in his lab, desperate for a cure, Martin and Sam helping when they can. So when Steve dies, there’s just the five of them, Cathy with her arms around Lane’s shoulders, and the little casket that some nameless cemetery worker is lowering into a hole in the ground.

[tafferling]

Dying Light: Monsters, We.

a fan fiction | Season Two | Blood from Stone

Chapter 12: Surrender

In which Zofia ponders grief. And time might just run be running out.

>> Read on Ao3 <<

On that day in the infirmary, in the company of Duplo and a child near death, Zofia had learned a thing or two about herself. Specifically, she’d realised how she grieved backwards. Admittedly, before she’d gotten around to her realisation, she’d had to have a fight with Crane. A long one. A loud one. A painful one. One in which she’d fought to allow their child comfort, rather than to drag him across the territories to a place that couldn’t help him. Where he’d die all the same, on the road. Scared. But once the fight had choked on its own anger, it’d become clear: Backwards had been how she’d grieved her life in Harran. How she’d let go of the world. Of her freedom. Her parents. Her friends. Her only child. Much as she accepted… this. All that lying flat on her back on an uncomfortable mattress. The thick stone walls she couldn’t negotiate away. The perpetual chill touching her skin (a small luxury, she was burning up). The solid red of her marker, its tiny speakers muted by one of Waltz’s many GRE gadgets. Her hollow, hollow, head, where static crawled on the insides of her skull and a pinprick of panic hung suspended at its centre.

>> Read on Ao3 <<

[advitameternal]

just had a few thoughts about the part of the arthurian legends regarding nestling, and how guinevere feels about it…

When a little girl is brought to her, Guinevere sees it as a sign. She had been locked in her room for days, mourning another month that she bled, unable to give Arthur his long awaited heir. And then she came. An infant girl, found in an eagle nest. A child with an angelic face, who only stops crying when Guinevere holds her in her arms. It is a blessing. If she wasn’t given any children, then she can have her, Nestling. A symbol of hope, of innocence. The little child cannot be an heiress, but Guinevere does not care, and dotes on the child. She thanks Arthur and Lancelot for bringing the baby to her, for making her a mother — a longing dream she did not think she could fulfill.

There was a deep, immediate bond with them. She called Nestling her little ruby, an homage to the necklace around her neck.

When Nestling dies, a part of Guinevere does too. She spends hours staring at the empty cradle, and it is a thousand times worse than when she used to look at her bloodied sheets. She refuses to eat, refuses to leave the nursery, sometimes falls asleep clutching the blanket Nestling used. It is only Lancelot who gets through to her, and he is the only one who gets to touch her, embraces her after this devastating loss.

[deliver-the-light]

A bit of Henry’s betrayal foreshadowing

tw: child loss

Tossing Boots off of cliff to play “catch” with the bats. Gregor fully thinks that Henry killed her, and Henry knew that Gregor would have no context for what he was doing. In the moment, it seemed like a bit of a jerk move to mess with Gregor like that. In hindsight, it is far more sinister. I wonder if Henry was testing to see how accurate Sandwich’s prediction of the Gregor flaw “die the baby, die his heart” was. And how much power her loss could gain the gnawers.

It can be presumed that Henry would have been privy to the contents of the prophecies, not only as a royal, but as the grandchild and brother to two scholars of the prophecies. So he knew the impact that Boot’s loss may have had on Gregor (other than just the horrific impact of losing any family member, especially a child) and he threw her without gaining permission anyway.

[the-castle-of-dimitrescu]

They had landed an hour ago, immediately loaded up into an Uber, and made their way to the vineyard. Raine couldn't stop her hands from shaking as they came up to the estate, paying their driver an extra cash tip before climbing from the backseat and grabbing her luggage, making her way towards the front door, mum and dad practically right behind her.

As she stepped inside, Cassandra was the first to see her, running over from the kitchen to the entryway, wrapping her arms tightly around Raine as a few tears slipped down her cheeks. Raine hugged her tightly, smoothing down her brunette locks, murmering words of support.

"We just got home a little while ago. Uncle Karl has been with us while we were waiting for you to come home."

"Where's Bela and Dani?"

"Dani is at a sleepover this weekend... Bela is with mother."

"You did well, kiddo... I'll go relieve Bela." Raine paused, pressing a kiss to Cassandra's forehead. "I'm so sorry I wasn't here... So sorry that you and Bela had to experience this..."

Cassandra shook her head, wrapping her arms tightly around Raine, hugging her close.

"It's not your fault, mom... I'm just glad that we were here... And that mother wasn't alone when it happened..."

A lump immediately formed in Raine’s throat, and tears welled in her eyes. God, she was so glad that Alcina wasn't alone either. Wendy cut in soon after, gathering Cassandra up in a tight hug before shooing Raine off towards the stairs.

"Go and be with her, love. Your dad and I can take care of the girls. You go and be with your wife."

Raine didn't protest, pressing another kiss to Cassandra's head before making her way upstairs and down the hall to the bedroom, gently pushing the door open before gazing inside.

Alcina was curled up in bed, and Bela was sitting beside her, gently rubbing circles over Alcina's back. She looked up as she heard the door open, her eyes locking with Raine's, until tears trickled down her cheeks.

Raine approached her, gently hugging her close, pressing a kiss to the top of Bela's head.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart..."

"I'm okay, mom... Really..."

"Nana Wendy and papa Sam came with me... Why don't you go down and mingle? I'll stay with your mother."

Bela didn't protest, only hugged Raine tighter before forcing her body to move from her mother's side, making her way out of the room, with a final glance at her mother, before shutting the bedroom door behind her.

Raine wiped her eyes, her gaze now focused on Alcina's sleeping form, wrapped up tightly beneath the duvet. Her skin was more pale than usual, and her face looked rather gaunt, as if she hadn't been eating much. Raine bit her bottom lip as she swallowed the lump in her throat. Stripping free of her jeans and t-shirt, leaving her standing in a pair of boyshorts and a tank top, Raine crawled into bed beside Alcina, wrapping her arms around her wife and pressing a kiss to her shoulder.

Alcina stiffened slightly, her hands gripping Raine's forearms, before she looked over her shoulder to see her wife's face behind her.

"Raine...?"

"I'm here, love... I'm here. I'm here with you." Raine breathed, pressing another kiss to Alcina's shoulder. "I've got you..."

Alcina broke all over again, turning over to face Raine, tucking her head beneath her wife's chin as new tears fell down her cheeks. She wrapped her arms tightly around Raine, a sob breaking from her throat, while Raine soothed her as best as she could.

"It's okay, love... It's okay... I've got you." Raine breathed, pressing several soft kisses against Alcina's head, her own heart breaking for her wife. "Let it out, darling... Let it out...."

They sat like that for a long while, Alcina mumbling out teary apologies and Raine reminding her that she had nothing to apologize for, her hands rubbing soothing circles over Alcina's back.

"I'm so sore, draga... And tired..."

"Sleep, love. I'm not going anywhere. I've got you right where you should be: in my arms." Raine breathed, pressing a kiss to Alcina's forehead after pulling back just enough to look into her eyes. "And I'm not going anywhere."

She gingerly brushed her thumb over Alcina's flushed cheek, wiping away another tear, before taking Alcina's lips in a soft kiss. When they broke apart, Raine watched Alcina curl up against her once more, her hands gripping Raine's shirt now, as if she would vanish if she wasn't holding onto her.

"I thought... I thought I was doing everything right..."

"Darling, hush now. Don't think about this for a little while. Just get some sleep, here with me. We'll talk once you've rested, okay?"

Alcina mumbled her agreement before swiftly dozing back off to sleep, still gripping Raine’s shirt in her hands.

[leaveherwildliketheflowers]

Random things that I should write about in a journal but am choosing to dump here instead.

I'm the happiest I have been in years. I'm truly living in a state of euphoria most of the time. I still have a hard time believing that I get to be the mom to this sweet and spunky little girl.

Despite all the joy I'm also dealing with daily anxiety that can get quite intense, days where depression makes it hard to do much other than lay around, and grief that is worsening each week. The swing between the high and low is a bit unsettling. Sometimes it feels like I'm faking it because I can't possibly feel both ends of the emotional spectrum so intensely.

I have cried every day for the past 2 weeks. As M reaches more milestones and starts interacting with us more I'm constantly reminded of exactly what I missed with my twins. When she laughs and strings cooing noises together as if trying to make conversation I'm flooded with equal parts joy and grief. Is this what they would have sounded like? Would they have been this outgoing with bold, strong personalities? I'll never get to know and that guts me.

I'm afraid I'm starting to forget my twins. Not conceptually. I know who they are and that they existed. I'm talking about the details. The way they smelled. How it felt when they squeezed my finger with their tiny hands. They way they melted into my chest as if I was their only safe space. The sound of their last breath. I'm terrified it's slipping from my memory.

Breastfeeding is taking everything out of me. Most days I'm exhausted and my body feels really run down. I'm not quitting, but damn it's taxing.

To say I'm thrilled to be working out regularly again is an understatement. It makes me feel like me again. I'm still a long ways from running, but that has resulted in me trying some new workouts which is a fun challenge.

Part of my regular workout routine right now as I rehab my leg is power walking. As an athlete that focuses on high intensity movement I have never considered walking exercise. Changing my mindset on that has been incredibly healthy mentally and will serve me well in the long run.

Mother's day is quickly approaching and there are just a lot of feelings about that.

I want another baby but the thought of going through another pregnancy and potentially more losses makes me want to rip my skin off.

I realized that the reason I want a second baby so badly RIGHT NOW is because after mentally preparing for twins it feels like a child is missing. In reality 2 are missing and they always will be. It's a huge hole that I can't fill.

I have little confidence that my body can provide the number of children my heart wants and that is a tough pill to swallow.

It's ok to still grieve what I have lost while being so incredibly grateful for the miracle baby I was blessed with, right? Sometimes I feel like a horribly ungrateful, disgusting monster for holding any negative feelings when M is such a perfect little ray of light. But like, I miss my babies. A lot. I suppose I should probably talk about this in therapy instead of ranting into the void.

[matteo-dambrosio]

“Those we have held in our arms for a short while we hold in our hearts forever.” - Author Unknown

There was no peace though the room was quiet, Ava sleeping soundly against his chest. He could feel her warmth against his bare chest, his hand rubbing her back in slow, soothing circles. It was the small bundle he held in his left arm, the reason why his peace had been disrupted. No more than an hour ago, Ava and Matteo had been given the news that their son, Alessandro, had not made it.

Denial. The wave of denial crashed over them both, consuming them. This could not be their reality. It couldn’t be true. How could everything be fine one moment and not the other?

Matteo knew this moment wouldn’t last. Holding his son and girlfriend in his arms, he savored the moment, however painful it was.

Sleep was non-existent in the days to follow. How could one endure so much pain and somehow still stand? Matteo’s only option was to remain strong. He had to, for Ava. He allowed her the space to grieve, to fall apart if needed. He was there to help her through their darkest days.

On the day they said goodbye to their son, Matteo’s guttural cries could be heard throughout Santorini. Even the sun was grieving, hiding behind the storm clouds that rolled across the Greek skies.

Ava was the last person to touch their son before his small casket was closed. Her hand brushed over his dark hair, Alessandro appearing as though he were asleep. He was perfect in every way and smaller than anyone could ever imagine. They had wrapped Matteo’s cross necklace in Alessandro’s clasped hands, his way of letting his son know he could go be with God until Matteo joined the afterlife.

Before the casket was locked and lowered, Ava had to be held up. Matteo could feel her legs giving out, Adrian aiding him in bringing Ava into her seat. They were the last to leave, long after the ceremony had ended.

Even when the skies leaked their tears, Matteo and Ava endured the rain. It was the hardest goodbye, the feeling of guilt consuming Matteo when they left their son behind.

The days ahead seemed dark but looking over at Ava, Matteo couldn’t help but feel a flicker of hope. Somehow, they would get through this and Matteo hoped with all his heart, that they would be able to do it together.