#TUMBLR TOOK AWAY HER FUCKING SATURATION

[nagasthia]

Hmm ✨Sally✨

[hiveswap]

Summary of The Cat of The Year poll atrocities of 2023/2024

I'm sure that most people on this side of tumblr have seen the Jellie vs. Nefarious Anglerfish poll going around with like 60k votes at this point, and I'd really like clear up some of what happened since I was around for the whole thing.

Url blocked out for op's privacy. They have already left but don't look for it if you haven't seen it/don't harrass them if you already have.

1. The previous round (preparation)

I discovered the poll in its previous round, needless to say she beat Jort's ass severely. This was around the 3rd of january, meaning that this round finished before jellie's passing with only about 7k votes. Op did add their own piece of propaganda from their main:

...which was FINE. (except for stuff we'll see later) Of course running a poll while biased isn't ideal but I for one didn't even know they were the op until much later. I also added my own piece in a separate thread, and they didn't interact with it at all. There was no drama.

2. The Finale

Jellie unfortunately passed away right before the starting of this poll, which was the catalyst for what happened next. Op did exactly as last time and added a slightly more mean spirited encouragement to vote for the other contestant. This is the point where I believe that i fucked up personally.

I added this thinkpiece accusing op of associating all mcyters with Dream (who we all hate for the record) despite them not alluding to him at all. This is because tumblr has a history of disimissing all mcyters as... everything that dream was been accused of. Op did allude to not caring for mcyt. but they didn't say what i accused them of. This is important to point out because this reblog of mine is still being spread. Jellie was in the lead at the time, but not by the time i woke up next morning.

I won't be including anyone else's additions because I don't want to put blame on any specific person. Just felt like clearing up mine.

3. The Fuckening

Some time later op made this post to their personal blog:

which is insanely shitty because, as other people have pointed out, the "lame ass youtube cat" didn't die to inconvinience op or ruin their fun, and people would have probably voted for her anyway because jelly is universally beloved in the mcyt community. This isn't anti democratic. This post was added to the poll with a caption saying op should not be running this poll, and it took off. Op later went on to say that this was a joke:

This apology was not taken well by people, (including me) because "you were not meant to see it" isn't an apology and they still very much made fun of someone's pet dying. Safe to say this did not make the drama stop and only added fuel to the flame. I believe this was the point where the conversation of mcyt fans being unjustly sent hate to was reignited.

We should discuss that! it's a real thing that happens often and is equal to childish bullying. However, in this case, OP was the only one getting sent hate to my knowledge. The notes were mostly saturated by mcyt fans, and even now i can only find one or two hateful stance towards us under the whole 20k notes post.

4. Conclusions

Op posted a second apology to the catoftheyear blog to try and calm people down (i believe this is comprehensive and a lot better than the previous one) The blog was deactivated shortly after, so i only have my phone screenshots of it that i also added to the poll itself at some point:

(Edit) Here's proof that op did not write the justification they got criticised for, from the notes of the original poll:

This apology didn't get seen, or get accepted by enough people, so op made this statement on their personal:

Needless to say I am deeply dissapointed (and guilty) that it's come to this. Yes, op said tasteless things that made us all angry, but telling a human being to commit suicide is worse than being insensitive about a stranger's pet dying. Even after I posted about the blog being decatived i had someone come into my notes to wish that "they never find happiness" i mean wtf. This isn't like shipping where we can do whatever without the content creator's input. this is fucking harrowing and i can't imagine how i'd feel if this was done in my/my pet's name especially after losing them as recently as a week ago.

I hope no one from hermitcraft who is on here (let alone scar holy shit) learns about this like they did with previous lighthearted tournaments. If you truly respect the creators you claim to be a fan of as people, you do not tell people to kill themselves over them. And finally, let Jellie fucking rest, guys. she had a long, good life. I hope op can come back and also avoids behaving like this if they ever wish to do so. I'm angrier at mcytblr, though.

[riacte]

Vote False!! like please please pretty please

1. Have you ever seen her skins. Even outside of the tumblr sexymen context she has one of the Best Selection of Minecraft Skins. Like:

Like first of all there’s her saturated post-Demise skin. Look me in the eye and tell me that’s not 2013 DevianArt tumblr anime overly colourful OC core. The neon green hair. The fabulously unnecessary pink lip gloss. The jarringly violet jacket. The Ebony Darkness vampiric red boots. The overly saturated Windows XP blue goggles. She looks like a 2013 tumblrina. In fact she probably is a 2013 tumblrina.

And of course there’s her wearing the Mumbo suit and I mean just. Just look at her. I don’t need to say anything, right? Put her in a girlboss suit. That’s a tumblr sexyman.

And then of course we have [holds back sapphic screaming] her latest skins. Listen e!False’s skin did something to everyone. Don’t lie. The steampunk. The suspenders. The rolled sleeves. And of course she’s being a mildly evil pathetic murderous meow meow. And the logging outfit is here just for display because like. Just look at it. The belt. It’s red fucking flannel. And brown gloves. She’s serving. Are we all okay? Let’s take deep breaths shall we—

There’s more about False in a suit. She was the butler in Mint Maids. And she was a cute skeleton. And she had a froggy hat. AND SHE WAS SHREK. Look at her range!

And speaking of rolled up sleeves, you had to be there when she rolled them up for the first time at the beginning of a HC season and let me tell you, hermitblr panicked. Everyone was 😳. Like how can you not—

2. Enough about the skins. False has a reputation for being a scary PvPer, and it’s both right and wrong. Right as in she can be scary sometimes but in a random, cryptic way. Remember when Scar had to kill her but just couldn’t because False was wearing protection armour? And Scar sounded like he was about to cry while False looked like a pincushion with all the arrows sticking out of her? And False took mercy on Scar and stood still just so he could kill her? There’s being scary, and then there’s the supernatural type of scary imposed by her. She’s insane. And then she felt bad and politely allowed Scar to kill her. Ma’am that’s supernatural.

But on the flip side, False can actually be kinda scared herself when it comes to PvP. You can see from her streams lmfao. But the point is, while she’s panicking and hiding and running away while being 100x prepared with like a stack of potions and golden apples, her opponent is terrified of her. So we have False being a sneaky confused pathetic meow meow (her POV) while from an outsider POV she seems like a mysterious, murderous… entity.

3. Okay apparently one of the criteria of tumblr sexyman is about the fandom’s perception soooo even before e!False, the fandom has always been OBSESSED with the concept of another False. A False False. TrueSymmetry if you will. A devious, cunning mirror image. One of the OG Helsmits. The fandom’s imagination went insane.

4. False does crime. She’s sneaky. She steals. Her (in)famous quote: It’s not stealing if you’re not caught.” Remember her hero complex during the HC7 Mayoral Race when she purposefully lured in mobs just to kill them off? Slay. What a queen.

5. Look at her cultural relevance!!! We still call her Queen of Hearts from a Gucci Gang parody years ago! She’s still False Supremacy even though that began from September 2020 with her MCC9 and MCC10 wins, by the way you should watch MCC9 Blue Bats if you haven’t already— [I am forcefully removed from the podium] She’s a legend!! She won Twitch Rivals in person!! Is that sexyman of her? No but you should still vote for her!!!

6. She already lost the mayoral vote in HC7 this is the least we can do for her 👉👈

7. It would be funny for her to beat DocM77. Like imagine the Doc reaction on Twitter. Don’t tell Doc. Get slayed. Also women <3

8. Cub got kicked out early and since he shares similar vibes with False she should win this round for both of them <3 dry humour slay murder girlboss hermits <3 <3 I have no idea what I’m saying

9. If she wins this round she would face off Ren like that would be funny. I mean it’ll also be funny if Doc wins. Ignore that point—

10. I am once again asking for your vote. Queen of Hearts! ShrekSymmetry!! #FALSESWEEP LET’S GO!!!

[lucyintheskywithxanax]

Taut (nsfw)

Pairing: Wilhemina Venable x Fem Reader

A/N: also called “Fantastic Smut and Where to Find it” as suggested by someone who shall remain nameless. Alright you guys, so I was like, let’s try and write smut. And then I was like, today is Sunday the day of our Lord, so let’s post a sinful fic on tumblr. Constructive criticism on this fic will be greatly appreciated so I can start a career as a smut writer. x

Warnings: smut (edging, slight sub-dom). This is porn-without-plot that turned into emotional-porn-with-a-bit-of-a-plot. As always, English isn’t my first language.

Word count: ≈  2 400

The room was dark, hot and alive with Wilhemina’s quick, shallow breathing. Her whines had grown more desperate as the minutes had ticked by, her hands tightly clenching the sheet, her hips occasionally bucking into your touch.

Another loud, needy noise escaped her. You bit your lower lip – you loved it when she allowed herself to be that vocal.

“What was that?” you teased.

Wilhemina’s eyes met yours, dark and stormy. Your index finger ran tantalizingly slow up and down her slit over her saturated panties, teasing her as it had for the past twenty-five minutes. Your wrist was stiff and cramped, but you couldn’t care less, not when you could relish in the sight in front of you.

Wilhemina’s teeth sank into her lower lip as she let out another whine. She lifted her hips for more contact, but you tutted at her, gently slapped her stomach with your free hand. Her hips jumped on the bed.

“If you try that again I’ll stop,” you warned. Your voice was husky and thick with desire. Wilhemina was soaked, her arousal coating your finger through the cotton of her panties, the sight of which was definitely doing things to you.

“Touch me,” she hissed out, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Did you say something?” you teased. Your finger, stroking up and down, up and down. Wilhemina whined again.

“Touch me,” she repeated. “I can’t – touch me.”

You licked your lips, your eyes shining predatorily. You shot a glance at the alarm clock that glowed red in the dim light.

“You’ll have to be more patient. Just four more minutes. Do you think you can wait till then? You’re doing so good, baby.”

Wilhemina let out a desperate noise. She was incredibly tensed, sweat glistening on her skin. She sucked in a breath, held it, let it out shakily with another moan. Her right leg kicked on the bed.

You two had started dating three weeks ago. Wilhemina loved to tease you in bed, but she had trouble being patient enough to let you tease her. Usually she would lie underneath you and get just a little bossy and guide your hand or your head to her center when she thought you were taking too long. But tonight, you had dared her to lie still and she had, quite miraculously, agreed to try.

Wilhemina dug the heel of her left foot into the mattress, dragging it up and down in rhythm with your finger.

“Time’s up,” you cooed. You removed your hand.

Wilhemina whined at the loss of contact. She shivered as her center clenched on nothing, fingers clutching the sheet and tugging so hard you thought she might tear it. Your brow pushed up in sympathy at the desperate look on her face.

“Now baby girl, tell me how you’re feeling,” you rasped, as you started tracing circles on her lower stomach with the pad of your index. The muscles there jumped under your touch. “D’you think you can wait just a little longer for me? D’you think you can do that?”

A noise halfway between a moan and a sob escaped her. She lifted her head to look at you, eyes clouded with lust and need, then let it fall back on the pillow.

“Don’t you dare,” she breathed out.

She lifted her head again. When she spoke next, her voice had regained some of its usual sharpness. “Don’t you dare make me wait a second longer.”

“Um,” you hummed, amused at her tone, at how quickly she could jump back to her commanding personality. “I think you can wait a little longer.”

She sank back into the pillow with a frustrated huff.

You chuckled to yourself. You loved seeing her so completely vulnerable, so completely undone just for you. You fed on the sight of her below you, face and chest flushed and covered in your love marks, breasts heaving with her quick breathing. Her hair was tousled and looked like the sky at sunset.

You lowered yourself to plant kisses on her stomach, then hooked one finger over the waistband of her panties and tugged. Wilhemina wriggled out of them and kicked them down the bed.  

“Do you have any idea,” you whispered, as you peppered kisses up her body till you finally met her mouth, “how beautiful you look right now?”

Wilhemina whimpered into the kiss. She brought a hand up to your hair and tugged on it, hard, trying to pull you down where she needed you the most.

You chuckled again, fighting her, tugging hungrily at her lip and nipping it as you ran one hand down her body, teasingly slow. She shivered against you, slid her tongue into your mouth, lightly bit on yours for dominance. And then she moaned as you started circling your thumb around her aching clit, your touch too light to procure any of the much needed friction. Wilhemina broke the kiss, head pushing back, squirming on the bed to try and make your finger slip to her clit, but you moved with her, never giving her what she really wanted. Small desperate gasps fell from her mouth, and you were starting to take pity on her, were about to give in, when with an angry growl Wilhemina slipped one of her own hands between her legs to touch herself.

You shot her a mocked offended look she didn’t see, for her eyes were squeezed shut. Her lips parted in pleasure and her brow pushed up.

It wouldn’t take her long. Not with the way you had worked her up. So you slapped her hand away and pinned it on the bed.

“No,”you growled from somewhere deep in your throat. “You don’t get to decide if you can come.”

Something changed as the words left your mouth. Wilhemina opened her eyes, and her pupils were still blown wide, but there was something else there too, something that sent a pang of dread to your chest.

“Mina?” you called gently, propping yourself up on one elbow to give her more room. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

She bit her lip, shook her head violently and lifted it to capture your lower lip between hers, but you pushed her away gently.

“No,” you whispered, cupping her face and forcing her to meet your eyes.”What’s wrong? Please tell me. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Nothing,” she answered, aiming for confidence but her voice cracked as if she were about to start crying.

You narrowed your eyes at her. She grabbed your hands, pulled them from her face and down to her center, as she launched an angry attack on your mouth, tongue pushing and teeth nipping. You kissed her back, humming, but kept your hands still against her lower stomach.

“Mina,” you whispered as she whined, as she clawed the backs of your hands with her nails like a desperate, wounded animal. You yanked your hands free and cupped her face again, pushing her away slightly.

“Please,” dropped from her lips, breathy and afraid.

You watched her for a few seconds, trying to figure out what was happening. She whined again, crashed her mouth against yours and tugged on your wrist. You met her franticness with a slow, sweet kiss.

“Remember,” you whispered, kissing your way down her body, settling between her thighs and lifting one of her legs to gently hook it over your shoulder, “that one night when we promised each other we’d always be here for the other?” You kissed and nipped the inside of her thigh, her skin there sticky with sweat and arousal. “I told you you didn’t have to be alone anymore. And you promised you’d try and share your dark thoughts with me. I’m here, baby. You don’t have to carry them on your own.”

You nuzzled her thigh right below her center, relishing the smell of her, and planted a kiss on her clit. Wilhemina’s legs shook, but she was keeping quiet now.

“Tell me what went through your mind just now,” you encouraged her.

“It-it was stupid. You said… I thought you meant – oh!”

You wanted her to keep her mind clear enough to talk to you, but there was no way you were going to stop pleasuring her now that understanding was finally creeping into your brain. So you kissed her clit again, flicked your tongue over it once, then lifted your head to look at her.

“I thought you meant…” she tried again, her tongue thick with lust, “I thought you meant I shouldn’t – I couldn’t – I didn’t deser- fuck!”

You had licked up her slit in one broad swipe and ended it with a flick on her clit. She threw back her head as her hips shot up the bed. You kissed her thigh. “You thought I meant you didn’t deserve release,” you finished for her, your throat tightening with guilt and a bitter kind of anger that wasn’t directed at anyone in particular.

Wilhemina shivered, gave an almost imperceptible nod of her head.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed out.

You shook your head, remembered her eyes were closed. “Don’t be,” you said. Another kiss on her thigh, closer to her center. Wilhemina shivered again. She was a mess, dripping and wriggling on the sheet, the smell of her arousal filling your head with heat.

You nipped the soft skin of her thigh just left of her clit. “I love you,” you rasped, too loud, too fierce. “I would never do that to you if you don’t want me to, Mina. I promise.” A soft kiss on her skin. “Do you trust me?”

Wilhemina whimpered, and nodded. You hummed happily, then pressed your open mouth against her center, gently sucking on her clit and swirling your tongue over it. Her hips bucked, a soft cry falling out of her. You smirked, lazily slid your tongue down her slit to tease her entrance, pushing just a little before going back to her clit. When Wilhemina’s breathing grew erratic, you pulled away and said, “No.”

A soft whine escaped her. You waited, as she took a few deep, shaky breaths, until her back lay flat on the mattress again. She opened her eyes, met your gaze. You reached for one of her hands.

“Okay?” you asked her, stroking your thumb over her knuckles.

She nodded weakly. You searched her eyes, found softness in them.

You gave her a fond smile, dropped a kiss on her glistening stomach before you dove back in. You made sure to keep an eye on her face as you worshipped her, pushing your tongue through her heat, licking up her slit, circling her clit, repeating those motions again and again until Wilhemina’s face contorted and her walls clenched. You pulled away.

This time, it was a desperate sob that pushed up her throat. She dug her heel into the mattress, legs shaking, and you had to press your own thighs together against the throbbing in your core.

Wilhemina had never allowed you to see her like this before, so utterly helpless and undone, shaking and whining, her hair a mess, her body tight as a rope pulled taut.

You propped yourself up, wiping your chin on your free hand. “Mina?” you called softly. “Is this okay, darling?”

She gave your hand a squeeze and nodded, but didn’t open her eyes. You planted lazy kisses on her stomach, blew air on her navel; that drew a giggle from her. You smiled against her skin, kissed your way up her chest, her neck, her chin – then finally, her mouth.

She moaned softly into the kiss, bringing her free hand up to cup your face as she tasted herself on your lips. You kissed her slowly, lovingly, and she sucked your lower lip playfully, fingers stuttering on your cheek. When you broke the kiss for air, you took her hand in yours and kissed her palm.

You were about to crawl back down between her legs but she gave your hand a squeeze. “Stay up here,” she whispered.

You smiled, captured her lower lip between yours again. You slid your hand down her body, nails gently grazing, and slipped two fingers inside her without warning.

Wilhemina gasped into your mouth as you roughly pushed into her, curling your fingers and finding that sensitive spot inside her. You slid your tongue against hers, humming, the vibrations going all the way down your bodies to your throbbing cores, and Wilhemina’s back arched up again, and her legs shook, and you brushed your thumb over her clit, drawing a desperate moan from her, and just as she was about to fly over the edge you slid your fingers out of her and rested your hand on her thigh.

Wilhemina sobbed, tears of frustration slipping from behind her eyelids. You pinned her waist to the bed as her hips bucked uncontrollably, her hand that held yours squeezing so tight it hurt.

“Please,” she cried, breath catching in her throat. “I can’t –“

The rest of her words were swallowed by a moan as you pushed your thumb against her clit, stroking it roughly as you rasped into her mouth, “Come for me.”

Her body snapped. Her hips jerked up and you automatically pressed down against them again, afraid she would shoot up off the bed and fall on the floor. She gasped your name into your mouth and it echoed back to hers, warm and gravelly and ecstatic, and you kissed her and kissed her as her body shook with tremors underneath you. She broke the kiss, head thrown back on the pillow, lips parted, eyes squeezed shut.

You rested your head on her shoulder as a few last tremors ran through her, tracing patterns on her collarbone, watching her face in awe. For a moment she lay so still and slack you thought she had fainted or fallen asleep. But then, her hand came up to rest on the nape of your neck, fingers stroking lazily.

You lifted your head to meet her eyes. She smiled at you adoringly, gaze warm and dreamy and grateful.

You stroked her cheek. “You’re a bit red in the face,” you teased.

She let out a soft chuckle, rolled her eyes at you, and pressed her forehead against yours. Her eyelashes tickled your nose as her eyes fluttered closed. “Thank you,” she murmured sleepily. “Love you.”

Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6

Tag list:  @mssallymckenna @supremeinlilac @pluied-ete @rainbow-hedgehog @pearplate @angelxsarahp @paulawand @asktammyr @peggycarter-steverogers   @coconutlipss ​ @saucy-sapphic​  @thesupremewife

[glossvante]

Behind Closed Doors 01

Rated: M | 18+

Pairing: Jungkook x Female Reader

Genre: High school/Step-Siblings, Explicit smut.

Word Count: 5.1k

Part: One | Two |

Warning: Step-siblings, Explicit & graphic sexual content, Alcohol consumption, Language

Summary: After moving to a new city, a rager of a party and an intense, all consuming, mindless fuck with a tall dark stranger seemed to be exactly what you were craving. A one night stand never hurt anyone, right? Until of course, that stranger turned out to be your new step brother.

Note: I’ve been looking for a new step-sibling Jungkook fic for a while and couldn’t find one so I decided to write it myself sdjkdjfjk. This chapter is more setting up the rest of the story but I hope you guys like it! Also, the other bts members make brief appearances as the story progresses, as well as a few blackpink girls. I’m newer to tumblr so if you like the fic please show some love & some feedback and I’ll upload part two soon. Love you guys and hope you enjoy ;).

Part One

You realized your room had turned into somewhat of a shit show while getting ready, as per usual. Nothing you couldn’t fix later though, you had enough on your mind right now. You were mildly panicked while getting dressed because you had to look at least somewhat attractive tonight. It was the first party you’d been invited since you moved here 3 weeks ago and you wanted to make a good impression. Moving away, changing high schools and leaving behind all your friends in the middle of the year wasn’t the most ideal situation for you, to say the least. You tried as long as you could to avoid accepting the reality of everything but the first day of school is when it really hit. Considering the fact that your last school wasn’t even half as big or well-funded as your new one, it was an adjustment figuring everything out. You were anxious about not knowing a single person the entire day until you met Lisa and Jennie in physics. The three of you guys sorta just clicked and became friends with ease. They showed you around and it relieved some of your social anxiety to know that there were at least a few cool people here.

Earlier in the day, Jennie texted you, inviting you to a party at her ex-boyfriends place. You hadn’t met him yet and were slightly confused as to why Jennie parties with her ex but she explained that her and Taehyung were cool with each other now. She also mentioned that pretty much everyone else in your senior class was going to be there too. Hence why you needed to look hot as fuck.

You studied your reflection in the mirror, deciding wether or not to change your outfit for the third time in the past 10 minutes. Yup, you needed to. You lifted the dress off of your body with a sigh and returned to your closet, hoping to find anything remotely cute at this point. Shortly after making another mess, you came across an old satin black dress. You picked it up and held it to your body, wondering if it would still fit, it had been a while since the last time you wore it. It couldn’t hurt to just try it on, you thought. You slipped the dress on over your head and adjusted it to your body before reaching towards the small of your back, praying to God it would zip up.

Finally, you were able to get it closed. You turned your body at all angles in the mirror to get an extensive view of your look. The dress had become a bit too form-fitting and an maybe an inch too short on you over time but you looked...good. Finally, you thought, you could work with this. You knew your mom would never let you get away with it though. To compromise, you decided to throw a sweatshirt on over the dress to cover up, at least until you left the house. You threw your lipgloss, phone, and all the necessities into your handbag and rushed downstairs to say goodbye to your mom.

You opened her rooms door and stuck your head in, shocked to see her getting ready to go out as well. “Where are you going?” You asked, confused. She didn’t mention she had any plans. “John invited me out. He said it’s a surprise.” She said excitedly, with half of her attention focused on styling her hair. “Again? The same guy?” You asked. After your parents divorced when you were young, your mom became somewhat of a serial dater. No one guy was ever right for her or stuck around long enough. If you were being honest, you stopped keeping track of your moms love life a while ago. “Yes the same guy.” She replied with a slight attitude. You were taken aback by that, this had to be the longest she’s been consistently seeing one guy. You knew she was glad you guys were able to find a house in the area, so she could see him more often but you didn’t think much of it at the time. Maybe she was finally starting to get serious with someone. You hadn’t met him yet but now, you were starting to get curious. “Alright, I’m gonna go but have fun on your date.” You replied getting ready to turn and leave. “Wait, you’re hanging out with Jennie tonight right? Tell her I say Hi.” She said. You almost forgot for a moment that you lied to her about the party. So what if she thinks you’re going to a girls night out with Jennie? You figured the less she knows, the less she’ll worry. And technically speaking, you weren’t really lying to your mom, you actually were going to hang out with her tonight. Or at least that’s what you told yourself. “Yeah, uh I will. See you later! Love you!” You said. “Okay bye, love you!” She replied as you left, shutting the door behind you.

-

You almost thought you had the wrong address when your gps began taking you up into the hills. Even though you were new to the area, you knew only rich people lived up here. Your jaw dropped when you finally pulled up to your destination, going back to your texts to make sure you put the right one in. It was a massive house, like some shit you’d see in a magazine or on TV. Jennie’s ex must be rich rich you thought to yourself. There were a bunch of cars parallel parked on the side of the street, so you pulled in and did the same. It really did seem like everyone was here. You quickly checked yourself in the car mirror, reapplying your lip and fixing your hair before heading inside. You could hear loud music pour out of the function as soon as you stepped out of your car, thankfully there weren’t many other houses nearby to complain about the noise. One of the many perks of living in luxury you supposed.

Your anxiety started to kick in as you headed in through the front door with a few strangers, losing them in the crowd as you entered. Woah. You definitely didn’t go to parties like this at your old school. Red neon lights saturated the air in every room, a dense cloud of smoke lingered above the crowd and the music followed you wherever you went. You tried to take it all in as made your way through the crowd hoping to find a single recognizable face. You walked through the living room and entered the kitchen, shocked by how many bottles of alcohol were just laying around, expensive ones too. You poured yourself a diluted mixed drink in attempt to calm your nerves.

“Y/N!!!!!” You heard you’re name in a high pitched scream from behind you. It was Jennie, she jumped up and gave you a hug from behind. “I was looking for you! God you scared me.” You admitted with a laugh. “Oops sorryyy.” She apologized, she was entirely too giggly and spoke with a slur. You could tell she was a few drinks ahead of you. “You look so hot tonight what the fuck?” She exclaimed, a too little loud. “Thanks.” You said with a smile, flattered by the compliment. “What are you doing?” She asked looking down at your cup. “You need a shot! Not whatever this is. Do one with me!” She pleaded, you considered it for a moment. “I don’t know, I don’t wanna get too drunk.” You explained. She rolled her eyes at that. “Okay bitch, first of all why not, and second of all come on! A couple shots never hurt anyone.” You saw the look on her face, Jennie could be pretty convincing when she wanted to be. Fuck it right? After all, you were at a party. “Okay fineee.” You agreed reluctantly. She was ecstatic at your response, immediately reaching for a dark liquor and pouring both of you a shot. You clinked glasses before taking them down, feeling an immediate bitterness in your mouth and a warmth in your chest. “That tastes like shit.” You told her, wiping a drop from your lips. She laughed at that. “Trust me you can’t even feel it after a few.” She poured another shot for you and herself. You both braced yourselves and took it back. She lied, the second one definitely tasted worse. You cringed from the taste. “The faces you make are too funny.” Jennie teased while laughing. She reached for the bottle one more time and started to pour another round. “Are you trying to get me drunk? Cus if you want me or something just say that.” You said, trying to holding back your laughter. She shoved you in response, only mildly amused by your words. “I hate you.” She handed you the last shot and you both took it down.

No Idea by Don Toliver began playing loudly from the speakers and Jennie screamed in response. “Ah! I love this song! Dance with me?”Jennie asked, extending her hand to you. You rolled your eyes before taking it, allowing her to drag you to the living room. You weren’t exactly a talented dancer, like Jennie, so usually you’d feel a bit awkward while dancing but that wasn’t the case tonight. Maybe it was just because the crowd was so live or the music was thumping or those shots you just took, but you were feeling right. Jennie put her hands on your waist and pulled you closer to her, guiding you into the rythym. You both moved as if your bodies had synced with the music, dancing all over each other. For a moment it felt like you and everyone else in the room were on the same wavelength. While dancing, you locked eyes with a guy leaning against a the wall, a distance away from you. His eyes were dark and peircing, shaded by long locks of his jet black hair. He took a sip of his drink and a slight smirk crept onto his face as he realized he’d caught your attention, as if he’d had his eyes on you for a while. You kept your focus him on while you were dancing, observing him as he gave you a long look from your head to your toes.

In the midst of the moment, the two of you were interrupted by Jennie. “There’s no fucking way.” She said, shocked. You quickly turned your attention to her, wondering what she was talking about. Her smiled had faded and her body stilled as she looked at something in the crowd. As if she had seen something she wished she didn’t. “Jennie.” You said concerned. You tried to follow her line of sight to see what was going on, scanning the room. “What’s wrong?” You asked loudly, leaning into her. “Fucking Taehyung.” She gestured towards a far corner. You turned to look, only to see a guy you assumed to be Taehyung with his tongue halfway down some girls throat and his eyes on Jennie. He winked at her, like he was glad that she had seen. Gross. You couldn’t help but feel shitty for her. Guess everything with them wasn’t cool after all.

“I’m sorry. Fuck him.” You said loudly, trying to console her over the sound of the music. You could see she was hurt but she hid it behind a wall of anger. “Two can play at that game you know.” She replied calmly. “I invented that game.” You hadn’t really seen her like this before, she was lethal and you could feel it. She pulled away from you. “I’ll be back.” She shouted. “Wait what? where are you going?” You asked, worried about her. “I’m fine I just have to do something. I’ll find you later okay? Sorry!” She said, before walking away, leaving you in the middle of the crowd. You didn’t fully believe her when she said she was fine but if she wanted some time alone, you were gonna let her have it. It didn’t stop you from worrying though.

You sighed before shuffling your way out of the living room and to a quieter spot against the wall. You pulled out your phone to check it. You sent a few snaps to some old friends and a text to update your mom so she wouldn’t worry. After that, you headed back into the kitchen in search of something to drink that wasn’t hard liquor. All that dancing made you thirsty. You opened the fridge, allowing the light from inside to pour out, mixing with the neon red tint already in the air. You bent over to look inside for a water bottle, juice, or even a godamn soda. After shuffling some things around, you came up dry. All you could find was extra beer. Did these people only drink alcohol? You shut the door of the fridge in disappointment and turned to walk away, only to be stopped by the view in front of you. The same eyes you spotted from a distance earlier were now right in front of you. You studied all of him for a moment, just now being able to get real look at him. He was leaned against the kitchen island coolly, looking right at you. It wasn’t hard to figure out that he was attractive, in pretty much every single physical way there was. You found yourself admiring his style and shiny silver rings over his black ink tattoos. You nearly let yourself get lost in his picture before the thought occurred to you. How long had he been standing there? You immediately felt timid, realizing that if he was there for long enough, he for sure had a perfect view of your ass while you were bending over in the fridge. Now was probably a good time for you to stop starting at him say something, like anything.

“Hi.” You said, regretting it immediately. Hi? Really? In your defense, it was all you could get out in front of his naturally intimidating presence. At least you broke the silence, you thought. “Hi.” He responded with a soft smile on his face. “How come I haven’t seen you around here before?” He inquired, taking a sip from his red solo cup. “I uh.. I just moved here a couple weeks ago.” You explained, wondering why he had taken a sudden interest in specifically you. “Ah that explains it.” He said nonchalantly. “Explains what?” You raised an eyebrow. “Why we haven’t hung out before.” He finished. It was obvious to you he meant more with his words by the look on his face. “So is that why you were watching me earlier? You wanna ‘hang out’ with me?” You teased, being thankful that alcohol gave you more courage than you ever would have sober. He chuckled at that before taking a step toward you. You notably felt your heart rate increase. There was a part of you that wanted to take a step back, increasing the space between you two but you ultimately ignored it. He leaned into you to speak in your ear, just loud and close enough so you could hear his words and feel the warmth on his breath on your neck. “You know why I was watching you dance, just like I know why you’re still standing here, talking to me.” He withdrew slightly, now facing you. His focus shifted from your eyes down to your lips for just a moment before returning. Fuck. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t melt a little right there. He was confident if anything, and nothing turned you on more. You could smell the alcohol on him, his lips still wet from his most recent sip. Lust and drinks were dangerous combination and he seemed determined to get his fix.

”So what are you going to about it?” You asked calmly, faking just enough confidence to pretend like he didn’t have you dying inside. A devilish smirk appeared on his face as if he were playing out the answer in his head. You could feel yourself get warmer, your cheeks had to have been noticeably red by now. You had an overwhelming feeling he could see right through you. He didn’t give you an answer and instead, pulled away returning to his drink, seeming all too satisfied with himself and his effect on you. “Hey!” You heard a voice call out to you from a distance, both of you turned to look at the source. It was Jennie, finally returning. Worse timing just didn’t exist, you thought. She gestured at you to come near her and you nodded in agreement. Hesitantly, you pulled away from the kitchen but not before sharing one last loaded look with those dark eyes, as if there was more to be said, more to be done, and not nearly enough hours in the night for any of it. He let you leave without a word, and the interaction lingered fresh in your mind.

You walked up to Jennie. “Hey! Where’d you go?” You asked. “I kinda did something bad.” She admitted. You were instantly curious and slightly worried at the same time. “Don’t scare me, what happened?” You asked. She hesitated a moment before answering. “I kinda... blew Tae’s best friend. In his bed.” She laughed, covering her smile with her hand. What? You were wondering if you heard that right. “No you fucking didn’t. Who?!” You inquired in awe, shocked but impressed at the lengths this girl would go to for revenge. You made a mental note to not get on her bad side. “Jimin.” She pointed him out in the crowd so you could put a face to the name. “He’s always had a thing for me so it was easy.... and quick.” She joked, now making you laugh, you shook your head, still in a state of disbelief. Okay so obviously, Jennie wasn’t the best at dealing with her hurt and her & Taehyung definitely didn’t have the most healthy relationship but they’ve been on and off for like two years now, you figured they’re probably used to shit like this. And even if you didn’t completely agree with her method of revenge, Taehyung had it coming. You knew she was on one tonight, already hurting, and you figured it’d be easier just to be supportive. “Honestly, he kind of asked for it when he made out with that bitch in front of you.” You pointed out, she laughed at that. Your smile faded as you looked to your left to see a more-than-pissed-off Taehyung walking towards you two. Looks like news traveled here, fast. “Jennie.” You gestured towards him to let her know he was coming, by the look on his face it was obvious he knew. “Here come the fireworks.” Jennie announced under her breath. He walked up to you both, sparing you a moments glance before grabbing Jennie by her arm. “What’s up babe?” She asked casually. He wasn’t having it. “We need to talk.” His voice was so low it was kind of scary, he pulled her to the side and she went along, only with some resistance.

Once again, you were on your own. You decided to find a bathroom to freshen yourself up a bit in the mean time. Unfortunately, all the ones downstairs were occupied or had muffled moans from behind the door. You decided to head upstairs, hoping to find an unoccupied one there. Most of the doors were locked, storage, or closets. You were close to giving up before you found a room at the end of the hall was empty and unlocked. A bedroom. You didn’t think anyone would mind if you used the mirror, so you walked in real quick and did. You rearranged your hair and reapplied your lip gloss.

As you were finishing up your last coat of gloss, you heard the door creak open behind you and shut. You immediately turned to look, surprised to see the same guy from earlier. “Hi.” He said with a smile, leaning against the door. “You stalking me now?” You teased, putting the gloss back into your handbag and setting it on the side table near you. “Can you blame me? We didn’t get to finish our... talk.” He said, locking the door behind him. With the sound of that click, it became clear your meeting had a different context. You could feel the atmosphere in the room change to become... heavier almost. He approached you, deleting the space between you with each movement. It also didn’t help that you already had your back against a wall, there really was nowhere to go this time. You swallowed a lump in your throat you didn’t realize was there to begin with. “You know...” He began, getting closer to you now than before, “I can’t stop thinking about you in this fucking dress.” He spoke lowly. You saw his lust-filled eyes staring back at you as his hands reached down to your waistline, tracing the edges of your body. You felt chills follow as his hand found its way from your hips down to your outer thighs, lightly grazing your ass. “Yeah?” You asked, at a loss of words due to your proximity to him. You were rendered practically helpless to his touch, there wasn’t much your body allowed you to do in his presence except submit to his will. “Yeah.” He replied. Once he reached the lower hem of your dress he let himself teeter at the edge. You bit your lip, maintaining eye contact, knowing what you craved at your core, praying he knew too.

He let hands linger on you a moment before he slipped two fingers under the lower band of your dress, you immediately felt the coldness of his hands against the soft skin of your outer thighs as he lifted the fabric slowly, just high up enough to have access to you. And all you did, was let him. He placed a hand at your center, feeling the wetness that had soaked through your panties. You blushed, embarrassed at the wet mess you’d become throughout the night. “Fuck, you’re so wet...” He said, speaking in a tone much lower than before. “...all for me?” He asked. It definitely was. The built up tension mixed between you two was enough to get you there. You were flustered by his practically immediate hold on you, all you wanted to do was anything he wanted you to. All you wanted to say was everything and anything he wanted to hear. “Mmhm.” You nodded, your faces closer than ever. He seemed satisfied with your response because in turn, he gave you the friction you were craving. Your breathing became unsteady as he let his hand grind against you outside the fabric of your panties, pressing his middle finger into your slit with the perfect amount of pressure. He created just enough need burning inside of you for you to know it wasn’t nearly enough. He enjoyed teasing you, it was all over his face. You needed more. You craved more.

And as if he could read your mind, he finally slipped his hand underneath the waistband of your panties and stimulated your clit with his bare hand. You let out a a whine as he felt all of you, high off the sensation of skin to skin contact. Every warm and wet bit of you was in his hands. “Fuck.” You said breathily. He moved softly, in small circles at first, setting every single one of your nerve endings on fire. He could see the satisfaction in your face, you couldn’t hide it even if you tried at this point. He increased his pace, hearing the sounds of your scattered whines and whimpers gradually increase in volume. He was relentless, reaching the most sensitive parts of you and exacting completely and utter pleasure. His forehead rested against yours as your eyes shut in pleasure. It felt as if there was some overwhelming magnetic pull drawing you into each other, you couldn’t really tell who leaned in first as your soft pink lips collided desperately with his. You moaned into his mouth. He slipped his tongue inside your mouth, gliding perfectly against yours in a heavenly rhythm. You felt a kind of intimacy within the kiss that was rare to you. Of course he was a good kisser, like really good.

You lightly bit his lip as he slipped a finger inside of you. It was as if kissing you only set him off more. You adjusted to him with ease considering how wet he had you before even touching you. He began pumping in and out of you, creating a new sensation only adding to the hopeless mess you’d become due to him. He moved inside you at the perfect angle. You reluctantly pulled your lips away from his for a moment so you could catch your breath. “Please.” You moaned softly, stunned with pleasure. “Please what?” He asked sternly, as if he wanted you to use your words, describing the sensations you were feeling, how he made you feel. “Please d- don’t stop.... please? It feels so fucking amazing.” You pleaded, feeling your impending climax within reach. He inserted another finger in you, curling them both inside you to hit your sweet spot with every pump. Fuck. That was it. How did he seem to have every inch of your body figured out already? In response, you, without consciously realizing it, began grinding your hips into him hopelessly. Your mouth opened in pleasure.

“Are you gonna cum for me?” He asked lowly, studying every part of you, he was so enamored with the moment, there was nothing in this world that could pull either of you away from this. You were almost too high off him to respond, but you nodded frantically as another moan escaped your lips. “Yes.” You admitted. You could feel your orgasm nearing as you slowly lost your others senses. “You’re gonna cum all over my hand?” He asked, moving himself faster somehow, you didn’t think it was possible. “Fuck, yes.” All you could feel now was him, pushing you to the edge, moving his fingers to penetrate inside of you at a pace you’d never felt before. “Cum for me.” He ordered, ready to witness you fall apart in front of him, all because of him. You obeyed, feeling a wave of euphoria crash into you and travel to the depths your body, cumming hard. Your cunt pulsated around his fingers as your body trembled in complete physical pleasure. This had to be heaven. The only thought in your head while you were in the clouds? You wanted more. How could you still crave more?

When you opened your eyes, returning back to planet earth, your breathing returned to normal again. All you could see was him in front of you. Those dark eyes were filled with want. You let your eyes trail down to the bulge between his legs. His cock was begging to be released from the restraining fabric of his clothes. Poor guy, he was so focused on you the whole time, he needed immediate relief. You slowly reached your hand down to the waist band of his pants. He didn’t make a single movement, as if he didn’t want to miss a moment of you. You slipped your hands underneath his pants, tracing the length of him from outside his briefs. He was so fucking hard. You wondered how he managed to fight the urge to turn you over and fuck you right there against the wall.

You dropped down to your knees and lowered his clothing, allowing him to reveal all of himself to you. You looked him in the eyes as you let your tongue wet the underside of his cock until it reached the head. He watched intently as you let your tongue slide across his slit before taking the tip into your mouth, swirling your tongue around his hypersensitive head. Teasing him, just like he did you. You heard a suppressed moan from deep inside him. That was enough to motivation for you take all of him into your into your mouth. The warm wet softness surrounded him as your mouth fit tight around his cock. You heard his breath hitch. The sight of your face on him mixed with the sensation, it was just enough to drive him crazy. He was leaking with so much precum, you could taste it. He slowly began rocking his hips into your throat. You felt him sink into further and further into pleasure with each thrust. He threw his head back as you finally took him deep into your throat. Holding your breath, you rocked yourself back and forth on his cock. The soft tightness of your throat bobbing up and down on the head of his cock was overwhelming enough for his eyes to roll back into his head. “Fuckkk.” He moaned breathily, it was obvious he was already close to his limit.

“S-stop.” He said hesitantly. You ignored it and continued, determined to make him cum as hard as you just did. “Don’t make me cum. I-...” He paused what he was saying, distracted by the wave of pleasure he felt as you took him deep into your warm throat again, disregarding his words. “I’ve been dying to get inside you all night.” He admitted breathily, in attempt to get you to stop sucking his cock so he could stuff it inside you instead. Your insides throbbed at the thought of it. Although you wouldn’t mind having him inside you, like at all, you knew he was close to riding out his orgasm and you wanted to see the look his face when he came, from this angle. You looked up at him innocently and kept going. He tried to back up slightly, but you didn’t let him. “Fuck.” He said under his breath, tired of trying so hard hold back his release. Everything he was saying went out the window as he gave into his most primal desires, rocking his hips into you, chasing his orgasm, and contradicting himself once more. “God you feel so fucking good.” He mumbled as his thrusts gradually became sloppier and more desperate. He reached a hand down to entangle in your hair, pushing himself deeper into you as his body tensed up and stilled. He let out a moan as he came down your throat. You could feel the warmth of the large pool of cum in you, you swallowed it all cleanly.

He pulled out of you once his orsgasm faded. Seeming satisfied that you swallowed. You stood up and cleaned off your mouth, and readjusted your dress. Assessing how bad the damage was to your appearance from what you two had just done. He put himself back in his pants and did the same in the mirror. There was an kind of afterglow that surrounded the both of you. You looked at him through the reflection in the mirror. “Sorry I didn’t stop.” You said with a smile, realizing afterward that you probably should have. He returned a smile and shrugged. “It’s fine. You can make it up to me next time.”

He left you with those words and exited the room. You found yourself wondering what he meant by “next time” and if there would be one. How could there be? You didn’t even know the guys name, or number, or anything substantial about him really. You shrugged it off, deciding not to think too much into it, sometimes a one night stand was just that. A one night stand.

End of Part One

[grizztheexplorer]

Grand Army review from a technical point of view! Bc my theatre major ass keeps thinking about it and i have opinions!!! Btw this isn’t about writing, plot, nor characters. These are all opinions on tech points, like acting, editing, lighting, sound, camera work, and directing!!

1) The acting its 10/10 so good. Soso good. Joey and Dom in particular did amazing. Not their characters, ik everyone has complicated opinions towards Joey as a character, but the actresses EMBODIED those characters. Def stronger than the rest. Most of us hate Tim but like the actor did great too. Honestly? Loved the acting from everyone. There wasn’t an scene where the acting took me out or felt off.

2) camera work/directing. Amazing. Some choices were in particular so good. In the pilot when the explosion happened and the camera subtly shook and then from the window pov it went sideways? Amazing. The shot of the staircase with just bodies in circles moving? The beginning shots being the raw, dirty reality of public schools? I really liked it. Loved so many scenes throughout the show having no music as background and instead u just hear people around walking and the silences or background noises. Makes it more realistic but it didn’t take attention away from the scene bc the sound and camera were focused where they needed to. Really liked the bathroom with the condom scene too.

3) editing. Some scenes go hand in hand praising with directing and camera work, but i wanted to make editing its own paragraph bc that last edit push was what made it work. The horrible taxi scene, im sure how blurry things were was a director’s choice. But the editing made it really good. Is explicit, horrible, and triggering, and yet not as triggering like 13RW shots. 13RW felt so unnecessary and triggering for no reason other than shock value in their assault scenes, but while this one is also very triggering it was done with a different focus. They also didn’t just explicitly showed everything on focus, they made it blurry and sound came in and out. In a way that u both feel Joey’s control slipping and the claustrophobia and maybe Tim’s consciousness coming in and out of focus too. Then the sound and image become sharp again AFTER the thing was done. I think it was very well done. Afterwards too, when Joey was realizing what happened to her in school and the sound for her kept coming in and out. Or if not out, it sounded almost underwater. Vission became blurry too. Really REALLY well done. When she’s imagining what Luke and George said too in the lawyer’s office and she sees her parents faces but on top fractions of what George and Luke said too. Again sound didn’t sound sharp and u see half images. The editors and director just had really good ways to pull the audience inside the characters’ minds and feel what they are feeling without the need to do it all through dialogue/acting. They used audio and camera shots as tools soso well. The end when Jay taped his mouth?? The silent shot at the end with no music but the impact of the image created a very well atmosphere and realistic. Instead of forcing inspirational music in the background is the silence where we as an audience don’t know if what happens afterwards due to that is gonna be good or not. Had there been instrumentals it would have been all about what Jay is feeling, the build up and then the heroic moment when he stands front. Instead we took the moment as a whole. Just a kid protesting. The image is strong with the lights on him, we see the shot from the back of his head and the audience in front darker. Very strong and all, but the music leaves us hanging. Is that it!??? No one claps??? No one moves?? And I 1000% think that was intentional. Instead of just being like “FUCK YEAH HE DID THAT” we stay like “... and what happens now with that?” The silences many scenes in general where used very different in comparison to many teen/drama shows i see nowadays and it gave it a raw/realistic feeling. I really liked that.

4) editing/lighting. Now this one was 50/50 lmao. It was either really good, or really fucking bad lol no in between. Some times the lighting was so good for the mood, also that sad gloomy light u think in high school. Like the gym in ep 2 scenes, they have light, the lights are bright and all, but the editing of the coloring still makes it gloomy. Then you have Dom in her party and Joey dancing in the last ep, the lights are sharper, the colors come out more!!! Bc the scenes are happpy!!!!! But... the coloring in the church scenes (and honestly all scenes in the catholic/christian school) with joey in the last ep... the editing of those colors were awful. Too saturated. The joke is, the lighting was good. Fit the vibes great, but the editing sucked. Specially that moment when Joey meets another girl who tells her she also has been abused and believes her. Is a powerful scene but all i could think about was “the lights on the shots feel like these are tumblr gifs” bc it is weirdly saturated on a brown way with the benches background. Like.... both of their skins look weirdly edited and the background looks weirdly edited too. That took me out a lot. The dance scene with joey was also soso good, but in contrast I didn’t like the color editing when tim was texting her. The parts of him look also a little off in regards to color. Not like it was on purpose either. I guess ultimately the 50/50 comes from the lighting always been good, but the color editing has moments when they just missed the mark by a lot. Sid getting into college was also another off moment. The lightning was okay but the color editing felt gloomy. That was a happy bright moment and instead it felt weairlg saturated with brown tones, which is from the editing not the camera/light work.

[sleekervae]

The Neighbour [0.4]

Masterlist

The first thing Eva did when she came home was finish downloading the rest of Palaye Royale's discography. It was as though pushing the arrow on the saturation scale and suddenly her apartment with skeleton white walls and empty shadows was bursting with a new variety of rich colors. Songs that pulled back the whites in her eyes and forced open her ears to this new euphoria that was rattling through her brain and body like a pinball game.

The band's music drifted through the apartment for the rest of the night, tracks on a loop that was sure to make the tenants upstairs despise her. By the time she finished cooking dinner for herself she was lost in the cynical poetry of Warhol, entranced by the echoing of Remington's rasping screams that were never out of tune. And while she was supposed to be working on her latest article, Eva was instead watching the video for Lonely, the entire time feeling like her throat had been ripped out by a bare fist and forced to watch it beat out.

All in all, Dying in a Hot Tub took the crown for favorite. On a Saturday night, when she would usually be out with friends and drinking her problems away at the local bar, Eva was dancing through her apartment, pretending to sing along to the miserable and comprehensive words. A glass of cheap white wine sat on the counter, aiding in her inhibitions for having a rock concert in her living room. Pluto wasn't having any of it, retreating to his bed and ignoring her for most of the night.

Meanwhile, holed up in his own bedroom Remington scrolled through the Tumblr blog that Eva told him about: posts filled with poetry and proses that had him hooked as sure as he was doing drugs. Each post told a story, ranging from questions about her femininity, difficulties in growing up with an absent mother and a know-it-all dad, the first boy she had who humped and dumped her after prom. Remington wanted to read it all, falling deeper into the rabbit hole of Eva Kuznetsov.

His focus shifted from text to music when he heard a familiar sound: that sound being his own voice. The faint echo of words he was singing to crowds not months ago were suddenly swirling in the air, and when he turned to the complex, he found he had a clear view of Eva dancing away under the golden lights of her apartment. She had the screen door opened, not big enough for Pluto to squeeze through, but enough so he could hear the muffled music from his room. He knew he had pretty open access to Eva; he just didn't realize that he could see right into her space.

Which meant she could probably see into his room, too...

It was mesmerizing to watch her, spinning, jumping, her hair pirouetting around the sharp edges of her perfect jaw, all the while smiling and pretending to sing along. It was the most endearing thing Remington had seen in a long time, watching the real Eva come to life. She was uninhibited by people and impressions, dressed down in a pair of little cotton shorts and her hoodie, she was absolutely crazy and perfect.

Mischief soon got the better of Remington and he reached for his phone, eagerly selecting her number and typing. Across the way, Eva stopped dancing when the music dipped, indicating that she received a text on her phone. Brushing her winded hair out of her face, she grabbed her phone off the desk, her face going beet red when she was Remington's text:

Nice dance moves, Frances Houseman

She glanced up through the glass sliding door, mortified when she realized Remington could see her this whole time. Illuminated by the glow of the street lamp, his boyish smile seemed to shine brighter, clearly amused with this late-night entertainment. She took a deep breath and turned down the volume of the music, trying to collect herself.

How much of that did you see?

He responded not even ten seconds later:

Enough to know your hips clearly don't lie.

Shut up

And if I may ask, why are you looking through my window?

I can't help it. I'm vain enough that I get distracted by my own damn voice

Or you're just a fucking creeper

The fact that you haven't closed the curtain tells me you don't seem to mind an audience ;)

A familiar warmth spread through the pit of her stomach and Eva began to giggle uncontrollably; like a child that had been caught stealing a cookie from the jar and was so on edge she couldn't help but laugh. Stupid her for not closing the curtain.

Well I'm sorry, but the show is over now

She then went to the window to close the curtain, flipping off the smirking blonde as she shut out the rest of the world. Remington only laughed to himself, quickly texting back:

But the memories will live on in my brain

Fuck you, Leith!!

I think you should buy me a drink first, Kuznetsov

Eva just shook her head as she read his last message, downing the rest of her wine with a rose-tinted cheeks. Even with the music off, she still had Remington's soft raspy voice ringing in her head as she decided it was time to turn in. She couldn't help but start singing to herself.

"But I'm dying in a hot tub, I'm dying in a hot tub with my cat!" she lunged down and pointed both hands at Pluto. Pluto was unfazed, just staring at her with an unemotive expression. Eva's smile turned into a scowl.

"Well, fuck you too, then,"

✧✧✧

May brought the promise of vibrant flowers, bikini bodies and so many reasons for people to go out and mingle with their friends at the beaches and clubs.

Well... that was the case a year ago...

In Remington's mind, he and his friends had no need to go down to the beach and risk contracting Covid when he had a perfectly safe and clean pool and patio in his backyard. And within the last two and some weeks, he had succeeded in bringing Eva around more and more.

She got along great with everybody, which had Remington confused as to why she said she had it rough with friends. But everybody seemed to like her, and soon enough she had assimilated into their little pod. She started just with sitting outside with everyone, and when she was comfortable enough she came and hung out inside the house. Afternoons were either spent by the pool or watching TV shows and eating snacks. And the more she stayed over, the more Remington became fascinated with her.

Even Emerson and Sebastian couldn't deny that there was something about Eva that was unique; she was sparkplug of quick witticisms and lame jokes that people would laugh at just because she was so cute. She was mature way beyond her years, and yet she still had fun like a teenager trying to find themselves in high school. More than anything, the boys were curious to how close Eva and Remington were slowly becoming.

Remington liked hanging out in Eva's apartment. The environment held a different kind of vibe; like an aesthetic post you'd tag on Pinterest under a renovations gallery. But Remington was inside Eva's world, seeing the random art pieces she had hung on the walls and getting to hang with Pluto on the couch. He helped her bake when they couldn't think of anything else to do, and she always insisted he'd bring some home even when he assured her that he didn't need it. She was kind, homely, a woman with a clean soul and dirty mind who could make him laugh and didn't care when he openly belched after a soda.

Despite the pandemic, Remington was excited for his birthday. Any other time, he was at a bar or a house party with his friends, drinking until he couldn't feel his legs or ending up face-deep in a grimy toilet bowl. Even though the party wouldn't be as fun as it usually would be, Remington was looking forward to at least spend his birthday with his closest family and friends, only.

Eva wished she could have had the same optimism Remington did, but the Saturday before his birthday, she was none too pleased to find that the drain to her kitchen sink was leaking water. And apparently, it wasn't her landlord's job to come up and fix it for her.

"You want me to come take a crack at it?" Remington asked when Eva explained the situation.

Eva's phone was on speaker as she tried to navigate the utility box in the closet to turn off her water.

"Do you have experience in sink maintenance?" she asked.

"I don't," Remington admitted, "But that's what Youtube is for, right?"

Eva simpered, "As entertaining as it would be watch you destroy my sink, I respectfully decline,"

"You think too low of me, Eva," he whined.

"I just know you better than you think, Remington," she replied smartly, "I got a plumber coming by, anyway. And he can't get here 'til six for some reason so I'll be down a shower day,"

Remington's eyebrows furrowed down, "He's coming at six at night?" he asked.

"Yeah," Eva replied, seemingly clueless to the skepticism in his voice.

"What plumber makes house calls after five o'clock?" he said.

Eva stopped short, "Well, he's an independant freelancer. Makes his own hours, I guess,"

"You hired a fucking freelancer to come fix your sink?" he said incredulously.

"He's what I can afford," she replied.

"So he didn't come from an agency?"

"Nope!" Eva huffed, satisfied when she finally figured out how to turn off the water dial, "He came from Letgo,"

It was then Remington had a sinking feeling in his gut. He didn't blame Eva that she didn't want to splurge her money on a plumber, but the thought of her alone with a strange man -- who mostly carried a multitude of heavy tools -- made his hair stand on end.

"Maybe I'll come by and wait with you while he does the job," he said.

"Why?" Eva asked.

"Because you're a small girl letting a strange man into your apartment after hours," he replied.

Eva turned to her window, still having a firm view of Remington's empty, but messy bedroom, "You were a strange guy I let into my apartment," she countered.

"And now you have concrete proof that I'm not a creep, I'm just a little weirdo," he replied, "I'd just feel better being there with you, is all,"

Eva shrugged, understanding where he was coming from yet assuring herself that he was overthinking it, "I mean, if you wanna'... sure,"

"Great!" Remington grinned, "I'll be by before six,"

The early afternoon soon delved into the night, and just as he promised, Remington was at Eva's apartment ten minutes before six.

And the plumber was late.

Eva attributed it to traffic when the clock hit ten after, but then she was annoyed by twenty after. What was he possibly doing that he was twenty minutes late for a pay grab? Remington didn't say anything, though the knot in his stomach got tighter as the minutes ticked by. And when Eva assured him that he didn't need to stay, he simply shook his head and declined.

"The only way you're getting me out of this apartment is with a fucking pitchfork," he told her, smirking with pride. Eva only rolled her eyes.

It was finally quarter to seven when a battered, unlabelled black pickup truck pulled up in front of the complex. And just as Remington feared, a rather large man came falling out of the truck and started trudging his way inside. He carried no tools with him.

Both Remington and Eva had their masks on and the windows open as the plumber came inside. He was portly, older, and he wore the mask just under his nose; a particular pet peeve of Eva's. He was polite as he greeted the kids, narrowing his eyes at Remington. The whole time he was there, Remington made sure to keep Eva close to him.

"So, what seems to be the trouble?" the plumber asked, coming over to the sink but looking around slowly at the knick knacks and furniture within the apartment.

"Well, I'm not sure. It just started leaking all of the sudden," Eva shrugged.

The plumber glanced at the faucet, then took a look under the counter to the pipes. Eva began to understand why Remington was so eager to come over, now. He stayed well on his knees for longer than needed, not pulling out a flashlight to see in the dark shadows. Even Pluto seemed to sense something was off about this character, he leapt onto the top of the couch where he had a full vantage point of the typical case of plumber's crack.

The plumber finally sat back from his inspection, turning to the two kids, "I see what the problem is. I gotta' get my other tools from my truck, though," he said.

Eva and Remington glanced at each other with uncertainty, "... Okay," she drawled, "We'll, um -- we'll be here, I guess,"

"Okay," he forced himself back on his feet and exited out the door.

Not two seconds later, Remington heard the faint carry of voices in the hallways; a couple by the sounds of it. He took a look into the hall, indeed finding a pair of Eva's neighbours unlocking their door as the door to the stairwell slammed closed.

A few minutes passed, but Eva was confused when she heard the revving of an engine outside. She went to go look out her window, and sure enough, the black pickup truck was speeding away. Needless to say, she was shocked.

"What the fuck!?" she exclaimed, "He left!"

Remington came to look as well, not surprised but his fears quelled as he watched the truck disappear around the corner.

"Good," he said, "Truth be told, I'm pretty sure he wasn't here to fix the sink,"

Eva pulled her face mask off, "What, you think he wanted to rob me?" she asked.

"Or something a little more vile," Remington nodded, simultaneously pulling off his own mask, "He clearly didn't like the fact that I was here,"

Eva's face paled for a moment, now grateful she had let Remington in when he asked. How did he know, though?

"How did you know he wasn't legit?" she asked.

Remington scrunched his nose, "Well, first of all he's coming by at six -- well, seven o'clock on a weekend. Second of all, you found him on Letgo,"

Eva shrugged, "I don't trust Craigslist,"

"Because Letgo is any more reliable?" he raised his eyebrows with a petty grin, "This is the part where you say 'thank you for looking out for me, Remington',"

Eva narrowed her eyes at him, "Thanks for coming by, ya' smug shit," she glanced out the window again, "You think he's going to come back?"

"Not now that he thinks I'm here, too," Remington replied, "Like I'd leave my girlfriend alone with a strange guy at seven at night. In a fucking pandemic, too," he scoffed.

Eva looked at him quizzically, "... I'm not your girlfriend," she drawled.

"But he doesn't have to know that," he grinned back.

Eva had to admit, she was impressed. And moreover, quite grateful for Remington's persistence -- though she wouldn't tell him that.

"Aw, I have such a smart boyfriend!" she gushed sarcastically, clasping her hands together before going to fetch her Lysol spray.

Remington simply sat back down on the couch, feeling pretty damn good about himself now, "Anything for my baby!" he exclaimed happily.

"Shut up,"

[itzagothamcitysiren]

Welcome to the Family

I just found out my tumblr account turned 2 today! So I guess to celebrate I decided to post a two-shot for you guys that I’ve been working on! This takes places a couple months after  You’re Taking Up a Fraction of My Mind, so Jason and Halley have been a couple for a little while now. 

Also for any new readers or anyone looking to catch up, here’s the link to my masterlist :) 

PART TWO

I'm Just a Shot Away From You pt.1 

           “So Bruce gave us tomorrow night off,” Jason’s smooth voice spoke.

           He had been sprawled out on the plush couch in his favorite corner of the Wayne Manor library. His back rested against the couch, one arm wrapped tightly around the girl cuddled up to him while the other held a book tightly in his grasp. As he finished speaking, the girl curled up into his side, half on top of him, looked up, her suspicions of him not being fully focused on the page in front of them confirmed finally.

           His voice had dulled as he read word after word as they had gotten so close to the end of their book, only having one more page to go until they reached the next and final chapter.  She watched as Jason closed the book, letting his finger mark their spot as he spoke again,

           “We should go do something,” He said, sounding confident yet pessimistic, like he was testing dangerous waters.

           The girl that was nestled against him shifted, scooting up and propping her head up with her hand, elbow gently resting against his chest. He frowned slightly when she moved, instinctively tightening his grip on her. His frown grew when she stood quiet, answering him with the look.

           He grew accustomed to that look over the last few weeks. It wasn’t that he was mad at her for pulling that face but he was mad that she had pulled that face. He understood why she was but he was in no way happy about it. It made him make a face of his own, glowering up at the ceiling, his glare almost as scary as Batman’s. Letting out a huff, he reached over to the coffee table, placing the book on top of it before leaning back against the couch and crossing his arms against his chest, breaking his hold on her.

           “Look, I know we agreed to keep this a secret but I don’t know, I thought we’d be able to go out at least more than once by now.” He explained, pouting.

           “I know, you’re right.” Halley relented, biting her lip and nodding in agreement.

           They’d been dating for a few months by now in secret, if you wanted to even call it that. Jason hadn’t officially asked her to be his girlfriend and she never technically asked him if he was her boyfriend. But after the night of the charity gala and sneaking out a few nights later to see a movie together, they both kind of wordlessly assumed that that was what they were, both being to awkward to actually saying it out loud.

           Along with that they also wordlessly agreed and saw eye to eye on keeping this thing a secret. Halley had been completely okay with it for a couple of reasons. One, she didn’t need it to be advertised; she hated the couples that over saturated their relationships in the hallways at school. And as much as she loved both Kori and Dick, they had no shame when it came to their private matters. Public displays of affection was something that intimidated her, still being a new concept in her life. And besides the intimidation factor, there was also a fear factor; she was afraid that it would all be taken away from her if she made her feelings for Jason known to anyone else besides him.

           She’d grown too really like Jason; she was happy that they were what they were to each other, never having or feeling this way with someone else before. She didn’t want to risk it all being ruined. In her mind, there was no way Bruce would be okay with it if he found out about them. He’d say it was a distraction and dangerous, an unnecessary risk to the mission. And she didn’t necessarily disagree with that either. She did find herself taking more risks while out at night, watching Jason’s back more than her own.

            It wasn’t also just that that made her think Bruce wouldn’t be pleased about. She wouldn’t even bring up the constant elephant in the room that was her father but there was also that along with how they lived right across the hall from each other; there was no way he or not to mention Alfred would find that appropriate. She couldn’t remember the last night she spent alone since they began to date. They hadn’t done anything far, Halley and even Jason nowhere near ready for that yet but she couldn’t image Bruce and Alfred would be happy with finding out about their new sleeping arrangements.

           They’d been careful, trying to keep it between the two of themselves; even with a few close calls here and there but so far the two hadn’t suspected a thing it appeared. But Halley couldn’t chance it, terrified that Bruce would send her back to Titan’s Tower with Dick if he found out.

           And then there was Dick, Halley remembered dreadfully.

           She defiantly didn’t want to push it with him for she knew he was on to them. Jason said she was being paranoid, that there was no way he knew, but Halley knew. Between the side glances he gave them during dinner, the constant joining them during their movie nights, and relentlessly butting in on any moment the pair had alone, Halley just had a gut feeling that Dick knew something was up. She was more than relieved when he left, being called away on a Titan’s mission.

            “Bruce gave us tonight and tomorrow night off so we could study,” she said, knowing she was just finding excuses at this point. “And we’re already not using the time to do so tonight and finals are next week.”

           “Fuck finals,” Jason whined, letting his head fall back. He was sick of the excuses and obstacles he faced. He was tired of their ‘date nights’ consisting of them either tucked away in the library until Dick came in to interrupt or being locked up in either one of their rooms re-watching the same rotation of movies. “We’ll be fine; I want to take you out.”

           “Okay,” She relented after a few moments of silence, feeling like a jerk as he sounded like he was pleading. She let her head fall to rest on his shoulder. “We’ll have to sneak out, probably wait until Bruce leaves for the night.”

           Jason smiled at her words as she spoke as hush as she could, as if she was afraid they’d be overheard. He reached down and grabbed her hand pulling it up so their hands rested on his chest. He gave it a tight squeeze. Alfred would be downstairs on monitor duty and together, between a highly trained assassin and the sidekick to the bat himself, they could easily sneak out.

           “There’s the carnival going on at Amusement Mile, let’s go do that.” Jason offered, shrugging his shoulders.

           “Sure,” Halley nodded. She’d been to a carnival once before, a circus as well, Dick having taken her for the first time about a year after she first moved into the tower. She really enjoyed it but had been too shy to admit it at the time. It would be nice to get to experience it again and this time actually be able outwardly enjoy herself.

           They sat in a peaceful silence for a few moments, letting their plans begin to sink in and a sort of relief wash over them. Jason was in no way a sap but he was still just a kid and he couldn’t not want to go out with the girl he’d become so infatuated with over the last few months. He was still trying to process how it even happened, the feelings for each other suddenly sprouting out of nowhere.  Jason thought back and couldn’t pin point the exact moment he started feeling the way he did about her, he only knew that it seamlessly clicked the night in his room when they should’ve been downstairs playing happy family with Bruce.

           He felt a grin on his face as he looked down at their conjoined hands, finding himself leaning up too place a kiss on the side of her forehead. His smile grew and an eyebrow cocked when she looked up at him with her cheeks growing red, like they had so many times lately. He moved his head back up wanting to connect her lips with his but the sound of a door opening stopped him.

           “Halley? You in here?” Dick called out as he entered the room.

           “What is he doing back here?” she quietly pulled herself away from Jason, both teens gapping with widen eyes. She kept herself low as she could to keep themselves still hidden.

           Jason rolled his eyes in anger; of course this was his luck.  Jason was about to pull himself to sit on the opposing side of the couch to make as much space from her and him as possible but an idea crept into his head. He tugged on her hand, pulling her to follow as he slide off the couch, ducked down to the floor and crawled away from their spot.

           He put a finger over his lips, his signal for her to stay quiet and trust him. As they heard Dick’s footsteps coming towards their spot they easily snuck their way up through the opposing isles of book shelves and desks. They took cover behind a bookcase as they saw Dick’s feet from underneath pausing, obviously listening and looking for them when he got no response.

           Dick knew they were in here; they weren’t in either of their rooms or in the living room. He’d just arrived back from Jump City, happy that the mission ended earlier than expected. He was going to see if Halley wanted to go grab dinner with him so he could fill her in on what was going on back with the Titans, Alfred also asking him to check in on her and Jason’s studies. He felt his eagerness to see her ease into annoyance, knowing that she was mostly held up somewhere with Jason and not in fact studying; he was frustrated that she was still clearly keeping things from him.

           He’d caught them one night, making his way to Halley’s room in order to check on her after a rough night of patrol. She was fine but Dick felt himself still worried after seeing her being slammed to the ground after being thrown across the docks by Bane. He heard the crunch her body made at the impact and saw her eyes blacking out. She’d been down for the rest of the fight, but once Bane was subdued and on his way to Black Gate, she was swearing that she was fine, just a few bruises.

           He noted Jason growing sloppy during the rest of the fight eventually breaking off and making sure she was okay before Dick could. He was thankful for it but there was something that caught his eye, distracting him and almost making him Bane’s next victim. Jason had ran his fingers through her hair and caressed her cheek, a gesture Dick thought was odd for friends so when he reached Halley’s room to find it empty, he immediately faced Jason’s door. He hadn’t been bothered to knock, reaching down for the doorknob and slowly twisting.

           They’d forgotten to lock the door, allowing him to see them tangled up in Jason’s bed, the TV still playing but they were both out like a light. Dick felt heat rise up from his stomach, wanting to scream and yell but something stopped him. Halley hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him about whatever this was and he knew by storming in and causing a scene would just push her farther away from him than she already was. So he quietly closed the door and had kept his mouth shut since.

           Halley wanted to laugh as she thought of Dick’s frustrated face that he must have been wearing right now. He walked further into the library until he was standing by the couch in their previous spot. Jason jerked her hand forward, now seeing the opportunity to make a quick dash for the door while Dick was now the furthest away from it. She nodded, following him as they took off, making sure their footsteps were light as a feather as they hurriedly walked out of the room and out into the hallway.

           Once in the hallway they took off into a jog, their hands still holding tightly to each other. They headed towards the side of the manor that was never really used, taking cover in one of the first rooms they found, locking the door behind them. Halley put her ear to the door, checking to see if she heard Dick following them and smirked when she knew that Dick hadn’t.

           As she was at the door she let her hand fall from Jason’s, who was now pouting because of it. She chuckled slightly at his look of abandonment and moved back towards him. Wrapping her arms up around his neck she smiled up at him, her eyes almost glossy and heavy as a reaction to him looking at her straight in the eyes. She felt her breath hitch, feeling herself leaning forward to capture his lips, hiding from Dick now being the furthest thing on her mind.

[theanonauthorfanfic]

Reunion (Part 2)

Summary: Steve and Bucky are both not the brightest when it comes to each other. 

Triggers: Suicide, PTSD, Depression

Warning: angst, Smut (18+ only), language

Bucky woke the next day and felt less stressed than he had been. He still had that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that was telling him Steve didn’t want him around. Bucky scrubbed his hands down his face. Fuck he was going to be on edge all day with the anxiety that he had developed after his accident. He reached over to his nightstand and grabbed his anxiety medication downing 2 pills hoping that would take the edge off. Bucky showered and got ready to go to work.

We got to his lab and took off his coat before sitting at his desk and go over his emails. Tony burst through the door as soon as Bucky sat down.

“Hey Buckaroo, how did the meeting with Stevie go yesterday,” Tony sang?

Bucky mumbled, “It went okay. I didn’t realize you knew we had known each other years ago.”

“Come on, Buckaroo you know I know more about you than you know,” Tony proceeded to sit on Bucky’s desk.

“Why do you always sit on my desk Tony? There are chairs in front of the desk. Its not like Steve is going to take to me other than a friend,” Bucky got up from his chair to sit in front of his desk.

Tony looked sideways at Bucky, “Are you doing good today Barnes? If you are not you can take the day. I am sure Steve will understand if you don’t get back to his emails about the campaigns today. I want you to be doing well James. I don’t want you back in a bad place.” Tony sounded concerned and the confused Bucky. He never thought Tony cared about him like anything other than an employee.

Bucky looked away from Tony, “I had a rough morning mentally. Seeing Steve yesterday brought up what I was like before the accident and it caused my anxiety get amped back up today. I should be fine if I stay saturated in work. It keeps my head from getting to dark again. I don’t want to slip back into being suicidal again.” Bucky shook his head resting his head in his hands closing his eyes. Tony jumped down from the desk and sat next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder looking very concerned.

“You need someone to talk to. You don’t have a lot of friends James. I know you work a lot and then go home and don’t really do anything other than that. You may spend some time on Netflix or Tumblr. That is not socializing. You don’t have anyone who you can confide in maybe talk through your anxiety that has anxiety too.” Bucky looked at Tony. “Jamie, sweet Jamie I care about you. I am not just your boss but your friend. I was kidnapped and held hostage. You know I suffer from PTSD and anxiety because of it. I know for me I decided to drink more when I came back and become reckless. I was trying to kill myself without knowing it I was self-medicating to stop the pain. I wanted it to end.” Tony stopped talking and grabbed Bucky’s hand. “If you need anything please let me know. I don’t want you to suffer in silence Jamie. You are such a sweet man you deserve to be happy. You have come such a long way since the accident. I am proud of you.”

Bucky started to cry. He didn’t realize how much had been built up inside about how he felt useless since the accident. He had accomplished a lot but that anxiety part of him would always make him beat the shit out of himself mentally. Tony pulled Bucky to the floor and into him. Tony hugged him tightly as he sobbed. Bucky felt bad because he was soaking Tony’s shirt with his tears. He didn’t know how long they stay like this. No one had come to bother them which only meant that Tony told Jarvis to keep everyone away from this floor or room at least. Bucky finally pulled away after he was all cried out.

“You feel better Jamie,” Tony asked. Bucky nodded unsure of being able to talk since he didn’t know if he would start sobbing again. “What about seeing Steve got you this wound up? I thought this was going to be a good thing for both of you since you had history. Plus, he is looking for a long-term relationship with someone he can settle down with. I thought it would be perfect for you both since I notice how he smiled at your picture Jamie.”

Bucky sighed, “You can’t say anything to Steve. I think I am in love with him. I mean I have been in love with him since we were kids. I was so damn scared to tell him because I didn’t want him to stop being my friend. Then I had to move away so we promised to write each other and when that stopped, I was going to surprise him after I graduated high school. I had planned to move back to New York, go to NYU and then I was going to show up at his mom’s place asking him if I can take him out to dinner. At that dinner I was going to tell him that I was in love with him. But that never happened. Instead I go into the accident and almost died. It took me forever to recover and then go to college. I met you when I was at MIT instead of NYU. Then you promised me you would hire me as soon as I graduated and I moved back to New York working for you. Then I find out Steve works for your art department. Fuck he is the head art director for Christ sakes. I knew I wanted him back in my life even if it was just as a friend. I honestly don’t think Steve can love me more than a friend Tony and that’s okay. I will be in his life but I will be happy for him no matter who he is with. I gave up on being happy a long time ago. I just want to be content Tony.” Tony was pondering what Bucky had just said.

“Jamie, I promise I will not say anything to Steve but he deserves to know how you feel about him. You should go spend some time with him. Have dinner with him, see a movie with him, go the bar together, or just enjoy each other’s company. You deserve happiness James no matter what. Don’t settle. I am going go change before the board meeting that will bore me to death,” Tony laughed before getting up and leaving.

Bucky peeled himself off the floor and headed to his bathroom. He looked into the mirror and noticed that he looked like he hadn’t slept in 2 days. He took a deep breath and then cleaned up his face. Bucky straightened up his clothes before deciding he needed to talk with Steve. He instant messaged Steve and told him he needed him to come to his lab. Steve responded and said he would be there in 5 minutes.

Steve strolled into Bucky’s lab and he looked so damn good that Bucky internally groaned. He fantasized about Steve holding him down teasing him and then slowly taking Bucky apart until he is begging. Bucky cleared his throat to stop him thoughts.

“Hey Buck, you wanted to see me,” Steve spoke as he took as seat across from Bucky’s desk.

“Hey Steve, I wanted to talk to you about a few things,” Bucky stated as he sat down. Steve crossed his legs.

“What did you want to talk about,” Steve asked?

Bucky leaned forward on his desk for support, “I thought we could go to get some food at some point and hang out like we used too. I told you yesterday I wanted to be friends again. I missed you in my life Steve. You were my best friend. The person who knew me better than I knew myself.”

Steve smiled, “You know I would never say no to you. I missed hanging with you too. I don’t have many friends Bucky. After my mom died I pretty much stuck to myself and didn’t socialize much.” Bucky nodded.

“After my accident I tended to avoid people rather than socialize Stevie. I get it. I don’t have many if at all any friends since the accident,” Bucky mumbled looking at his hands.

Steve leaned forward in the chair and placed his hands-on Bucky’s, “It’s okay Buck. You don’t have to worry you got me back. We can spend as much time together as we want. I really did miss talking with you. I thought about it a lot last night after we talked. It brought back so many memories. Good memories we had together.” Bucky softly smiled when Sharon walked in unannounced. They both separated quickly as she approached Steve.

“Sharon, what do you need,” Steve asked.

“Steve I was trying to find you so we can talk about our date tonight. Did you want to go to the sushi place or the Thai place that you like,” Sharon asked. Steve blushed because he didn’t think Sharon was going to just show up, he wasn’t dating her but he wanted to take her on a second date to see if they could date. Bucky tried his hardest to not cry again. Bucky felt crushed, he thought Steve may have been into him as well.

“Shar, lets do sushi okay,” Steve responded. “Also, I am in the middle a conversation with my friend I just connected with again after years so please do not interrupt again.” Sharon nodded as she clacked her heels on the floor walking out of Bucky’s lab swaying her hips.

“I thought you were single,” Bucky questioned?

“We aren’t dating. I am taking her on a second date to see if it could lead to Sharon and I dating. I can tell you though she is fucking amazing in bed. She knows how to make a man cum hard,” Steve laughs still blushing. Bucky clenched his jaw trying to breathe and not get angry. “When do you want to hang out Buck?”

“How does this Friday sound,” Bucky retorted trying to avoid being snippy.

“Friday sounds perfect. We can hit a restaurant then a bar enjoys the night. Let see where it leads right,” Steve started to get up.

“Yes, Seize the day Stevie. Let’s live it up. We are still young and I am single even if you aren’t,” Bucky responded.

“You’ll find someone Buck to make you happy. You deserve it. I am glad we found each other. You are my best friend and always will be. I can tell you anything,” Steve started to head out of Bucky’s lab. “I have a date to get ready for.”

“Have a good night Steve,” Bucky waved him off.

  Steve’s POV

 He headed back to his office to grab his suit jacket and briefcase. He was happy to have his best friend back in his life. He was upset that Sharon decided to interrupt them about their stupid date. Steve just wanted to get laid. Sharon was a hole for him to fuck. The date was to make sure he could maybe keep up the booty call. He was lonely and didn’t date people really. He had only loved one person. That person would never know.

Steve was headed home to get ready for the restaurant. He showered and trimmed his pubes. He placed a small plug long enough to hit his prostate every time he thrusted when he was going to be fucking Sharon after this “date”. It was usually the only way he came anymore. He needed to have his ass filled and prostate hit as his cock was getting stimulated too. Steve look at himself in the mirror and sprayed on some cologne before heading out.

He met Sharon at his favorite sushi place. They had a good dinner. Steve didn’t remember what they talked about because he was thinking about someone else. The only person he has ever loved was back in his life.

“Steve, are you even listening to me,” Sharon squawked.

“Yeah, sorry I drifted Sharon. I was thinking about how good that dress would look on my floor,” Steve whispered into her ear as he nipped at her earlobe. Sharon shivered. “You ready to go an have some fun sweetheart?”

Sharon clenched her legs together, “Let’s go Steve. Show me how much you like this dress.”

They got into a cab Sharon had hailed. Steve grabbed her face and kissed her hard sucking on her bottom lip. Sharon whimpered into his mouth. The cab driver was getting angry because he thought they were going to fuck in his back seat. Once they got back to Steve’s apartment, he pulled Sharon out of the cab and took her to his bedroom.

The minute they entered his bedroom he became more aggressive with her sexually and tugged her dress off roughly.

“God, I want to fuck you so hard right now,” Steve growled. Sharon whined and pressed into him harder as she kissed and bite at his neck. Steve pushed her back on the bed and she bounced. He crawled over her kissing her passionately and rough. He unhooked her bra and threw it over his shoulder. Then latched his mouth around her pert erect nipple. Sharon screamed when Steve bit her nipple.

Steve smiled leaning down to whisper in her ear, “I want you on your hands and knees. I want to fuck you from behind.”

“Fuck Steve, you have me so damn wet and you haven’t even gotten to my pussy,” Sharon moaned out turning over to get on her hands and knees. Steve grabbed her panties forcefully and tore them off. Sharon bucked as she came from the force of Steve tearing off her panties. Steve watched her pussy clench around nothing as her slick coated and slid down her thighs some. He grabbed a condom and put in on lickety split before pushing in full force not allowing her to accommodate to his size. Sharon was so loud screaming life gripping the sheets.

“Steve, Oh God Fuck. You feel so damn big,” Sharon whined as she pushed her ass back on his hips. Steve tightened his grip around her hips as he set the brutal pace of pounding into her relentlessly. He bent over her slid one hand from her hip to her hair pulling her into him fucking into her hard. Steve was panting and groaning he could feel his orgasm building at the base of his cock as his balls started to pull in tight.

“I’m going to cum,” Steve groaned out. Sharon started to swivel her hips even more. He could feel her getting close too. Steve grabbed her throat and gently squeezed. Sharon came hard on his cock. Steve kept thrusting into her as his hips kept the brutal pace as she was coming down from her high. Steve felt his cock throb right before he came. “Ahhhhh, Bucky, fuck,” Steve moaned as he came harder than he ever had. Once he was finished cumming Sharon pushed away from him.

“You got to be fucking kidding me Steven. You were thinking about James Barnes the entire time you were fucking me. Is that who you were thinking about at dinner. You know what fuck this shit. I am so done with you. You are fucking pathetic. You decided to fuck me instead of telling him how you feel. I hate being used. I feel disgusting. You fucking used me Steven. You used me,” Sharon screamed as she slapped Steve across the face.

Steve yelled back, “You’re one to talk Sharon. You used me too. You wanted a relationship to show your family that you are not married to your work. Also, you wanted my money. I get it. We both used each other. You are not innocent either missy. So, don’t you fucking play that innocent shit with me you devious bitch. Yes I have feelings for Bucky. I was read to tell him when you barged in tonight talk about the fucking date.” Steve grabbed his briefs and put them on. “Get dressed and get the fuck out. I don’t want you here.”

“I don’t want to be here Steve. You deserve to be happy. I know you aren’t happy. I should have known from the way you made eyes are James today. I am going to ask Tony to relocate to England so I can stay with my family. I don’t think I could look at you again,” Sharon spoke plainly. Sharon threw on her dress and grabbed her shoes and left. She slammed Steve’s door.

 Steve sunk down to the floor of his bedroom and put his head in his hands. He always loved Bucky. That never changed. He wanted Bucky to be happy and he knew Bucky was a magnet for females. Growing up Bucky was straight Steve doubted that changed. Steve found when he was in high that he was bisexual and more attracted to Bucky than anyone else. Which is why he never really dated anyone other than Peggy after he stopped talking to Bucky. Steve felt like shit. He was in love with Bucky and has always been. Steve knew as long as Bucky was in his life, he would be happy even if he and Bucky never ended up romantically connected.

Tags: @buckmesideways22 , @oleanderbat , @ thirtiethnovember , @buckyzgurl , @kombatfather1796

[floralkittygambler]

Return of The Thing

Sort of. By thing, I mean me. But I love this movie and the meme. Ok, context for this post: - Where I’ve been - Why I left - Whats hip happening -  Where I’ve Been:

Long story short, I’ve had real life matters to deal with. Firstly, my entire household contracted COVID. Well, *almost*. We’ve been through constant testing, quarantine zones, and had the ambulance up numerous times. My parents and 2nd oldest sister were hit the hardest. My 3rd oldest sister was positive and asymptomatic. Now something none of us could predict that I would be completely COVID free despite my compromises. Despite that I was in close contact with them all, including the 2nd oldest who contracted it first and accidentally being coughed on a few times lol. I went through the exact same testing and yet nothing. No symptoms. No presence of COVID. And I took no precaution to isolate from my family as I presumed in our small house we’d all get it, so I was more preoccupied with caring for the sick. Ultimately, I’ve either gotten off scott free this time or there’s a chance I may actually either be highly resistant or even immune. Even then, I WILL be having the vaccine as and when my family are eligible. And we all still follow regulations set.  I’ve also had other real life obligations, much of it either mundane fixing up my living circumstances to more personal matters. Overall, I have been extremely preoccupied.

A mini update, the stray cat Big has been in our porch a lot more in recent times due to the snow as well as being even more affectionate. And Queefster passed away after a good life and a full tummy. Why I Left:

Aside from COVID, business, and my own health declining, I’ll be blunt. I left because of how disgustingly toxic most fandoms are nowadays, but Hazbin is one of the WORST for it. That includes harassment, death threats, mocking MI and triggering an ED. In fact, I’ve even seen others get rape and death threats. So yes, even if YOU are a decent fan, collectively most of you arent doing any favours. Even some critical blogs seem to be overtly catty in ways no one else seems to pick up on under this ‘look how blunt I am’ look and it’s just... You dont have to be a prick to have your say, to be honest and to disagree with the trending. That’s a few on and off of tumblr, and no one I follow anyways. 

In regards to my ‘sensitivities’ - two things: 1) Of course trauma is going to hurt, 2) Im fully aware of kids doing and receiving much of this, which hurts MORE. I have my own lil squids and Im worried of them eventually having to deal with this shit. And no, no one SHOULD have to put up with such rude and poor behaviour. Agree to disagree doesnt live in some people’s realities, but by God harassment and bullying seems ok if YOURE doing it or enticing it. That ISNT ok. Even if it seems like nothing to you it could kill another. I certainly will not take your shit. 

On huskerdust I STAND by my words. It’s fucking creepy and there is sexual harassment and obsession. And there are large triggers. I will not go into detail here because Ive done that dance before and I’ll be refining it again. YOU may like it, however it triggers my very real traumas as well as those in my bloodline. Be respectful and keep that shit away from me. And for goodness sake, parents PLEASE dont raise your children to behave as such online. And no, being anon isnt actually fully anonymous. Also to send hate and threats anon is not only traceable but also cowardice. Grow a pair and find a hobby. I avoid my traumas for the most part. I will not allow you to weaponise or diminish my own or others experiences for your fictional based gratification. Likewise, if it becomes canon, I’ll just make an AU where it is not. Simple. You can hate it but Im not your personal circus so go be toxic elsewhere. IF you like HD and follow me, honestly... Youre probably better to unfollow as I am deeply and passionately against it and stolitz, and valvox, and am very vocal on that. Dont mistake my traumas and discomfort as a personal attack - and dont personally attack me over it either. And before anyone claims homophobia, no. This is nothing to do with sexuality. You arent the victim. If you love these pairings with your soul to the point of a ‘stan’, then youre best off unfollowing because I really am too old for extremists and rabid fans more crazed than the infected in REC. Also I never used to hate angel but now... Fans behaviour is abhorrent and hes so over saturated that I honestly really dislike him now. Doesnt mean you have to hate him too, but just bloody respect that angel isnt loved by all, he can be triggering to some as well as toxically enabling [incl. past addicts], a vile homophobic gay stereotype and just overall a lack of knowledge and respect of sex workers as a whole. When you know a lot of the ins and outs and victims, it’s hard to overlook. I respect your triggering ships by avoiding that mess. Respect others.  The problem with Viv - and I will elaborate in the future - is that your audience is often a reflection of your work and it’s message/presentation. And most of the fandom Ive met are awful. Honestly, though lonesome I find more comfort keeping distant from fandoms because yall often extremely toxic and petty. Perhaps others have had better experiences than I however Im drawing a line in the sand. For MY sake. I’m annoyed with virtually anyone I sense great potential in that becomes wasted. Im angry at Viv because she can do so much better but is blocking HERSELF. This is from a creative and business mindset. When someone has potential that gets wasted - especially creatively - it burns me. Im just passionate on artistic fields. It doesnt mean I hate them. I hate the waste of full potential.

I’ll state things here people disagree with but encouraging harassment, hate or just being an overall cunt just aint on- It’s like people charade as being this fair being but its all bullshit. Self improve and sod off, I do NOT have time to parent you online. 

And obviously there are RL duties I must fulfil. Some in which I will need the publics assistance for if you can spare it. Overall, Im just... Fandoms behaviour generally disgusts me. Disappoints me. We SHOULD be better than this. It’s like listening to bloomin incels rant on fuckin chad or some bullshit pill theory instead of looking to improve themselves too. Honestly... I do mostly acknowledge my own flaws and faults and try to improve each day. It just feels fewer folk see that in themselves and do the same. And that’s coming from an old cunt whos far from fuckin perfect. Also, my fuckin laptop broke so I waited a week for a bloke nearby to fix it. What a fuckin lifesaver, he’s the real mvp!

Also Also, one of you did privately apologise and I appreciate that. I certainly hope we agree to disagree and continue to grow as people on our separate ways. Trust me, I dont forget small acts like this. Even the trauma that caused and the aftermath, please dont think I dont appreciate the apology. However you’re also entitled to know that the forgiveness and healing side may take longer for me due to various factors that occurred - much that few are aware of, including yourself especially. I wish you well and safety.

Hip Happenin Now:

Still busy but slowly visiting. I’ll reply and reblog soon, be patient please. Ive still many things to sort which take priority as well as other things. Im trying to get money n shit for a future and whatnot. Health issues are strong in the blood rn and Im spending extended time with both Big and the other pets to keep up harmony, especially now that Big is accepting slowly that our porch is a welcome shelter for him and he’s free to leave and stay whenever. Trust me, overloaded isnt even the word. Im prepping shit early this year and from now on. Also, my God Ive been dealing with more physical issues as well and had to play doctor. May even need medical interference but holy shit I could never see this coming. Still... It’s... An experience- If you could call it that. Staying more active and healthy. Cat’s nearly clawed my eye out in my sleep (to which I can only presume Billy got too close or hyper) but it’s fortunate placement so Im alright. Most of my body is in pain to the point of absolute normality at this rate. And I plan to make space for a better altar. Future of the Blog: 

Errr, it’s my fuckin space so it’s whatever I want really. Ill still have my Viv rants (ie, pros and cons of her work, HH/HB, other shit like that) however I just really dislike most the fandom at this point as well as the poor management and lack of professionalism and attitudes of staff. It’s just draggin me down and making me ill. I also want to showcase more of MY work (from redesigns to projects to some dumb 2am shit), cosplays, fashion, hobbies, spiritual practises - MY. SHIT. I feel like Ive strayed slightly. But I WILL be honest. And damn well will it upset people. And if it does and I’m genuinely ding something wrong/harmful - guide me patiently. Educate me. If it’s like this HD shit where Im not only allowed my opinions but justified on my traumas or mocking my disabilities or features, then just yeet yourself elsewhere. Also some of my gaming shit too. Getting to know folk who interact with my stuff and just... Create my space. For me. Something hopefully others can enjoy. Something that can function as a bit of an art portfolio as well. Critiques and whatnot.  But I will continually not stand for anyone’s shit or poor handling of serious matters. You will not cause me to doubt and invalidate my experiences like you have to others.  For now, Im tottering but slowly returning. For those who I previously and daily interacted with, I will get back to you. And Im sure you’re patient and understanding of my situation - it’s appreciated. But in terms of any fandom, more so if it’s known to be as hostile, I’d rather keep a healthy boundary between us. That’s for newer folk. Perhaps we may bond further and you’re welcome to try, however I do feel far safer not getting involved into other people’s shit any longer. I will put anon back on but any toxic shit will be reported as well as compiled so at least I have a reference on the actual toxic nature of fandoms. Likewise, Im slowly getting there but god theres a lot of fuckin work. So much that not even my closest friend has heard too much from me until recently. I’ll be returning to the grind for now as I have duties, as well as many demanding felines for my attention. Alongside some physical medical concerns which require additional care, I’ll be popping off now.  Im thankful for those who have checked in on me. I will reply shortly. Take care

[sleepykichii]

11 Questions Tag

i was tagged by @pinkheichou @tiny-heichou and @salbelni so that's uh...that's 33 questions holy shit this is gonna be forever long lmaoo

Rules: 1. Always post the rules 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you 3. Write 11 questions of your own 4. Tag 11 people

idk if it’ll tag you guys if i put them under the cut so! i tag: @tokyo-ghouls-eat-rawmen @kingtatsunari @bertoltssweat @sluttttysurveycorps @piningmarco @lesliebruhleria @iviarka @softymir @dallyingdivergent @levi-nyanchou @noodlesforlyfe  don’t feel obligated to do this!! 

1. Is there a book/movie that you’ve read/watched many times? Which one? i usually dont like rewatching/rereading things but my guilty pleasure is snk, i love to watch the dubbed episodes and compare it to the subbed episodes, i love going back and noticing details i couldnt bc i was reading subtitles, comparing manga panels to anime scenes, yknow, lil things like that 2. What do you love most about your friends? they try their best to cheer me up when they know i'm feeling down~ 3. Ever been a witness to someone doing something hella embarrassing? (You don’t have to tell anything about it) uh yeah, my best friend irl fell and literally slid down her stairs when she was drunk after prom last year and wanted to do it again 4. A fandom you didn’t think you would ever be a part of? tbh danganronpa. on my old blog, before i got back into watching anime, i thought their hair was rly...unique, to say the least, and didn't think i would ever give it the time of day 5. Do you have a “trash character” you like? komaeda :') and ouma, i know a lot of ppl rly don't like him lmao 6. Pastel or Black? black, i love pastels but i look rly good in black lmao 7. Pet peeves? when ppl ignore/interrupt me, unneccesary loud noises, lack of privacy, AND WHEN PPL CHEW WITH THEIR MOUTH OPEN OH MY GOD 8. If you had one free wish what would it be? (Wishing for xx/endless wishes is not allowed) i would wish to bring immense joy to myself and every person i crossed paths with! 9. What are your favourite tropes/AUs for your ships? holy SHIT im a slut for AUs. i lovelovelove actor AUs, zombie/post apocalyptic AUs, high school/boarding school AUs, college AUs, summercamp AUs, band AUs, coffee shop AUs, apartment AUs...i could rly go on but i'll stop lmaooo 10. Are you an emotional person? VERY 11. Are you more attracted to popular ships or rare pairs? i dont rly have a preference, if i see a ship i like, it's popularity doesn't concern me c:

1. Whats your favorite book? i rly don't know, i haven't read a book in forever fml i've already read all the books on my shelf and they're like...8th grade reading level :-// my most recent read was more than this by patrick ness and it was pretty good! 2. Do you collect anything? stickers!! i love stickers so much lmao what else...cute pins, and i'm slowly building a collection i call 'roadside paintings' where -- you guessed it -- i pick up deserted paintings on the side on the road. i currently have two hanging up in my room! 3. The last Song you listened to? sir sly - high 4. Do you like Tea? If yes whats your favorite kind of tea? fuck yeah!! tea > coffee, all day every day. i rly love blueberry acai green tea and papaya passionfruit black tea!! 5. Whats the first Anime/Manga you ever watched/read? if u wanna get technical, sailor moon was the first ever, but naruto is the first one i went out of my way to watch. the first manga was shugo chara! i would probably still read it bc the characters are adorable and the plot is interesting! 6. Whats your favorite childhood movie? pokemon 2000!! 7. Your favorite poem? the universe took its time on you crafted you precisely so you could offer the world something distinct from everyone else so when you doubt how you were created you doubt an energy greater than us both -rupi kaur 8. Your favorite Painting? i don't rly have one!! 9. Whats the most amazing thing that happened to you? still somehow being alive right this very second 10. Whats the Title of the last Fanfiction you have read? i wanna say it was something simple like 'roommates' or along those lines, i honestly haven't read fanfiction in a couple weeks;; 11. Write 3 Book, Fanfic and Manga Title that you totally recommend! i have the comprehension skills of a potato so idk if you mean three of each or three total so i'm just gonna do three total book: more than this - patrick ness (rly good, rly weird. makes you think about our reality a little more. worth a reread when you're finished so you can piece all the information together) fanfic: blue bear - afishoutofwater (snk/eremin - i was in tears by the end of this, it's so sad but very well written. major character death & angst, just a heads up!) manga: killing stalking (hoo boy. this isnt for the faint of heart, lots of dark themes along the lines of torture and murder. not everyone's cup of tea, and that's okay!! <3)

① What are you most proud of? this is probably stupid to be proud of but it's the first thing that came to mind even though i wasnt that good, i made it into my eighth grade talent show playing the keyboard i got up there in front of the entire middle school and fucked up tremendously BUT I DIDNT CHICKEN OUT! so!! +1 point for tay woohoo ② Have you ever been so impressed you were left speechless? if you mean impressed by someone's level of stupidity, yeah lmaooo, otherwise not rly ③ What’s your favorite time of day? 10AM - 2-3PM, i'm the only one awake during these hours (unless my mom has work) and the house is completely silent for once ④ Is there a certain song that gives you goosebumps everytime you hear it? history maker from yoi gave me goosebumps for a while but no song has consistently given me goosebumps lmao ⑤ Is there something, let it be a hobby/food/movie/book/song/etc., from your childhood that you still love today? i still collect stickers and i still rly love beanie babies...i also don't mind watching the berenstein bears/dragon tales with my niece bc those were my faves when i was a kid ⑥ What never fails to make you happy? my morning solitude and fluffy art/fanfics of my otps!! ⑦ Do you dream? If so, which one was most memorable? i dream sometimes, but my fave reccurring dream is where everything is neon, like the saturation has been yanked up 100%, and i'm just walking down a sidewalk minding my own business, and then it starts raining acid and everything starts melting away until i'm just kinda floating in the void lmao i usually wake up right after everything disappears ⑧ Who’s your favorite tumblr artist/writer/editor/etc.? Feel free to name/tag more than one! the first one that came to mind was @glassesgirl0401, rarepair mom for life ; v ; ⑨ What’s your favorite fanart? Could you please link to its source? omg i love every piece of fanart tht i reblog i cant pick just one!! i rly love how everyone has their own art style and ways of drawing certain things differently, the individuality is what makes art so amazing! ⑩ What’s your headcanoned sexuality/gender identity/romantic orientation of your favorite SNK character? omg there's so many tht i like aaaaa if i had to pick just one, it would be armin and he's hella gay :3 ⑪ ^May I draw them with their pride flag’s colors for you? AAAAAA PLEASE?? that would be so great?! thank you!!! <3

here are my questions, i tried to make them interesting! 1.) If you had one, what was your 'stereotype' in school? (jock, nerd, goth, etc) 2.) What are your favorite and least favorite foods? 3.) Who is your favorite character from your current fandom and why? 4.) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? 5.) What are your favorite hobbies? 6.) Spring, Summer, Fall, or Winter? 7.) What's one obstacle you've overcome recently? 8.) Yes or no: Pineapple on pizza? Fries dipped in mayonnaise? Ketchup on eggs? 9.) What is your most resourceful skill? 10.) If you could pick three fictional characters to bring to life, who would they be and why? 11.) What is the end-goal for you; What do you want to do with your life?

thanks for reading this far lmao sorry that took a lot longer than i thought it would

[goingbackthroughthelookingglass]

12:00PM - Dose Day

Well. I have to say I’m convinced.

Last night was hard. Not in all of the ways that make things obvious, but rather in the subtle ways that you don’t even know you’re doing/are habits until you’re suddenly without them.

So the microdosing schedule I am on consists of a dose day, an after effects day (the day after), and then a “normal” day, followed by another dose day (today actually). I just took 0.2g of mushrooms (via capsule). This is double what I took Sunday. But before we get into that (and while I wait for my stomach to digest the vegetarian capsules) let me tell you about my night last night.

So last night into today is my “normal” day. This is the day, typically, as you’re finding the right amount for your microdosing, that things should feel normal. The problem was, I wasn’t entirely certain if what I did take was really still affecting me. I woke up, got ready for work, and was productive until 1:30am (when I normally get off the road because of drunks and assholes driving and you just never really know who you’re picking up at that time). My night started out pretty normal; I did hit the snooze a bit, but I got out, deep cleaned my car, and got on the road. Most of the rides were good, and I was able to chit chat easily...but as the night wore on I just found myself...irritated.

Not the last ride before my break, but a few before that I picked up this couple. It was just a couple blocks from my house, and I’m sitting there waiting, and this guy, we’ll call him Jake because I honestly don’t remember his name, comes out and is just like “let me set my drink down.” No big, sure whatever. He walks to the other side of my car, there’s some kind of wait, and then he opens up the passenger door behind me, and is like “I’m just gonna say goodbye really quick” closes the door, and walks back around my car to this dark corner that he came from, that I can’t really see. At this point, I’m feeling irritated and that my time is getting wasted. He finally gets back over, sits behind me, and I put my car into drive to drive off. Suddenly, I get this pounding on the back right door, and this chick is like hitting my car so I stop, and she opens the door and is like “I’m going.”

OK. Whatever. The ride is just to Dirty (a sleezy dance club) that’s maybe 5 minutes away, get in so I can drop you guys off and forget you ever existed. Except I can’t. Because they were horrible. The first 2 minutes was them bickering over this guy named Jason, and who he was to her. (Drama) She then asks if she can smoke in my car, and I say no, so she’s like “Rude.” They then are fighting because she originally wasn’t going to come, but now she is, and he’s pissed for some reason (side-slice maybe??) and honestly they’re disrespectful AF and rude as all shit to each other.

She then makes fun of him for being 30. Fam. I literally thought I was picking up 19 year olds for the way these two fuckers were acting. Needless to say, I drop them off, and 1-star them so I don’t ever have to pick them up again.

NEXT RIDE: I pick up this couple from Scandals (a gay bar). We’ll call the guy Seth, he’s the one that ordered the ride. The two get in my car, and something just reads trans about the woman (tall, deeper voice, but gorgeous af, the guy was meh) so I’m just thinking “aww, cute queer couple.” She wants something to eat before going to Holiday Inn (where I just assume they’re staying). But like...there’s something off about Seth. IDK what it is. But my spider senses are tingling. There happens to be a Jack in the Box across the street from the hotel, but of course I have to go through the drive through because it’s that late. I NEVER do drive through rides. Fucking order UberEats. But I was feeling generous, and the woman and I were chatty so sure, whatever. But on the way there, this guy is like...making these really off color jokes. And not in a good way? Like one of them I’m trying to remember the words, but can’t, but basically it’s him joking that he does it bareback (without a condom). STILL assuming this is just some sweet queer couple, we wait forever in the drive thru line, and he’s still making these jokes...like...it’s when you have that friend that tries to copy your mutual funny friend...but doesn’t quite LAND the joke? So it just feels awkward and a little creepy? He says something about “you better order from the dollar menu” and she’s just like “whatever” and orders what she wants, but makes a comment about how her shoes are $600 and if he doesn’t want to pay for a burrito... That is when I realize she is a sex worker, and they’re going to the hotel...well, I don’t have to finish that sentence. But let me tell you...I FEEL SO BAD FOR HER FUCKING THAT SLEEZE!!! So long as she’s a free agent and sex work is what she wants to do, more power to her, but DAMN. After being in that car with that guy for 10 minutes I NEEDED A SHOWER. Barf.

I gave one more ride before taking my break (uneventful) but like the whole time I’m just...annoyed and irritated. And I have no reason for it. I have snacks, I had a good nap, I’m making bank...but I just can’t shake my mood. I come home, and decide to make some soup and have some rustic bread with it...and then I make the MISTAKE. I convince myself I can just close my eyes for like an hour before being back on the road. WRONG. SO WRONG. Big mistake. Big. I wake up at 6 when I was supposed to be back on the road at 4. And the WHOLE TIME I felt weighted and negative and just exhausted (despite sleeping another 5 hours) and heavy. I didn’t want to do anything, was not motivated, and even procrastinated making this post, even though the last couple days I’ve really enjoyed journaling. My anhedonia was beginning to creep back in.

My morning finished with a phone screening appointment for a therapist that I forgot I had, while I had a woman I had just picked up in the back of my car (her car got a flat) because I couldn’t reschedule. I NEVER take calls when I’m on the road. But...at least the woman found out her driver was not contemplating suicide? Though I’m sure she left with questions about who my abusive ex was, and what family issues I might have (since I mentioned both in the call). OH WELL.

So...rolling back around to the first paragraph in this long post. It made me realize what I was feeling leading up to, and then after my nap is my current “normal.” The easy, breezy covergirl feeling I was having these last two days was the mushrooms. The exhaustion, the lack of motivation, the heaviness in my body...that had been gone for the last couple days allowing me to be more me than I have been in a long time. I was no longer smiling. I didn’t want to talk to people. I just wanted to lie down and do nothing, while the days previously I was writing campaign stuff, cleaning, going about daily tasks as if it cost me no spoons. (if you don’t know about spoon theory, you can find it here)

So, now we’re at 12:24pm. The first dose kicked in about 45 minutes to an hour after taking it. I’ve now doubled my dose from 0.1g to 0.2g. I’m taking the rest of the day off to sit and ponder, but I DO need to go get my breaks done this afternoon.

About the pondering: IDK what you believe or don’t but I do somewhat subscribe into the theory of the Law of Attraction. (That link is to the “documentary” about The Secret.) BUT, I don’t believe that that law is something “mystical” (even though I am, myself, a mystic). Rather, I believe that when you approach things with intention, the outcome is more profound/clear/pronounced because you went in with a goal in mind already. For example: you “attract” more successful people in your life to coach you to become successful not because you thought about it and made it “manifest,” but because you thought about it and looked for the tells of the type of success you wanted to achieve and because that was in the forefront of you mind, you kept your eyes open for those things and recognized when they were in your path. It’s easy to find a bean when you’re looking for a bean.

A lot of the articles and such that I read on microdosing before slowly wading into that pool talked about intent. You can take drugs to feel better, but what really have you learned or what habits have you changed to change your life if you’re not using this opportunity to reflect? The idea behind microdosing is not to take drugs. It’s to use a small amount of a substance that has been known for centuries to heal parts of your brain that’s currently misfiring. I remember what my life was like before I had depression. For a couple days I had glimpses of that back. Microdosing isn’t forever; in fact, most say you should only do it for a month at a time, and many have not had to repeat the dosing, but have shaken their depression (or at least to something highly managable) with only one session (about a month, taking a microdose every 4th day).

So, today while I try this 0.2g (which seems about average for a microdose (they can go between 0.1g - 0.5g) I think that’s what I am going to think on. I know that I want my motivation and creativity back. But what does that look like?

It’s now 12:40PM. I thiiiiiink something is happening, because I’m noticing subtle shifts in light. Nothing crazy, but the blue of my Tumblr dash just looks more...blue-y. More saturated.

If you got this far...I’ll keep you updated. 

[itsjayyyy]

November 3, 2018 6:54 pm

Yeah it’s been a hot minute since I last updated. and of course I’m going to write a ton, but not nearly as much as what has passed.

So yesterday (friday), before I went to class I checked the weather app to decide which jacket to wear, and saw that it was going to rain around 3pm. I only had one class, so I figured I’d go to it, then stay at the library for a while, get a mango smoothie, and see if I can get some homework done. Like, three hours into sitting there, I had still done close to no homework, rather listened to kris wu’s new album (can you believe the nerve of that guy? He really released his album on the same day as exo, and you can tell that shit was intentional like he wanted to overshadow them (and he sure did, even posted a pic of the itunes charts where his album was #1 while exo’s was #4) lmao petty af) I also started to listen to all of my music in my itunes library, starting with most played and going down. I haven’t even made a dent btw, I have like, some odd 5 whole days of music to go through. Around 4 I figured I should get heading home, so that I don’t have to face the worst of rush hour traffic. Of course, just as I’m stepping out of the library, rose texted me saying it was pouring on the west side. The clouds on campus looked troublesome, but I figured it wouldn’t be too bad.

It was. I stopped by a gas station, and as I got there it started raining. Honestly, on the drive home, the rain wasn’t my biggest problem (I’ve driven in pouring rain so often that I don’t care about getting wet any more), it was the wind. It seriously almost knocked my bike clean over. And it didn’t help that the rain impacted my engine and made it struggle to speed up properly. I really thought I might have gotten into an accident, it was that bad. But as you can see by me typing this, I’m just fine. I took a hot shower, ate dinner, then receded back to my room as always. I brought with me a cup of instant coffee (seriously, cafe bustelo instant coffee is leagues better than regular drip coffee, like what the hell.) and started a kdrama that yoongi recommended called stranger. The dramafever app has been giving me issues recently, so I decided to watch it on my laptop. But when I went to the website, it displayed a message saying they shut down like two weeks ago. Sure shows how little I use that subscription that I didn’t even notice lmao. Luckily the show was also on netflix, so I watched it there. 

I didn’t even consider that maybe I shouldn’t drink coffee before bed, until like 12:30 am. I tried to go to bed around 10:30, but just couldn’t sleep no matter what. At first I thought it was because of small noises like mom doing the dishes or pulling a chair out (and it was irritating the living hell out of me- i wanted to go out there and scream that I was trying to sleep and they needed to stop making noise), but then I remembered the coffee, and how the same thing happened a few months ago. I took some cold medicine to help knock myself out, and set a second alarm just in case.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t that hard for me to wake up despite getting like 5.5 hours of sleep (I mean I did sleep in for an additional 30 mins after the first alarm, but I didn’t feel like I was dying). I left for work 15 minutes early, just in case my bike gave me any issues. I was on cash at work (UGH), which was made even worse now that we don’t get to go to MIMO. I was literally in front of a register for 7.5 hours, when usually it only used to be like 6, with the trip to MIMO accounted for (and the closing cashiers taking over). I was nonstop leaving to go to the bathroom to make up for it, though. 

It’s unbelievable, the lengths to which rose will put other people above me. She mentioned that she was going to go out to the mall to buy a gift for peter’s birthday, and I asked if I could come along because peter’s my bro too and I wanted to get him a gift. But she pulled the whole “uh yeah, you can come if you want” and i was like. if you don’t want me to come, just say so. and she was like “oh you know it was just gonna be like, me and peter and I don’t want to go inviting people by myself” as if she hasn’t invited peter and paul into our hangout times before (matter of fact, there was one time when it was literally just supposed to be me and rose and she dragged peter along, peter and I began to argue, AND SHE SAID SHE DIDN”T WANT TO GET INVOLVED AND SPENT THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON HANGING WITH HIM. but hey whatever, fuck jay right?) and also as if they were hanging out as friends and not with the purpose of buying peter a gift. She also mentioned how paul was planning to finesse something (also huge pet peeve: paul needs to stop calling it “finessing,” just say you fucking stole it.) I mentioned how I seriously didn’t want to move in with paul. Like, rose peter and I all have responsibilities and bills to pay, meanwhile paul still gets spoon fed by his parents. Do I really want to risk my housing and credit score by signing a lease with some kid who hasn’t paid rent his entire life? Hell no. And yeah, the fact that he has no conscience and openly steals is a huge issue for me. Rose tried to brush it off but I kept pushing it, saying that it was a deal breaker for me. She said that “we’ve been planning to move in together for a really long time” and i’m fucking livid. Who is “we”???? Her, peter, and paul???? As if her, me and GIO didn’t plan on moving in together last year? Why does paul get precedence over me when rose and I have been planning to move out together for over a year before she even met him??? Whatever, I’m looking at clara’s lease ending soon, she said she’s looking for roommates. 

I know I’ve probably said this a million times, but I hate family dinners. It’s just so damn obvious that they all want me dead. I always get the least amount of food, nobody talks to me, and nobody cares when I leave halfway through. I spilled my glass trying to put in ice, but didn’t bother to wipe it up. I just really don’t care, it’s not like I’m at the table long enough for it to bother me anyways.

Alright now I’m gonna really quickly hop over to the last update to see what I left off at. So the first thing I feel like I want to talk about (I think it’ll be better if I go from one topic to another, rather than try to do it chronologically) is heather. So I don’t remember if I wrote about this (and I’m not gonna read all my updates to find out), but one time on a friday heather and I made plans to meet up at the library. I texted her that day asking if we could instead meet at the student union (needed to stop by the atm to get rent money), and she didn’t reply (it said “delivered though). I got a call from my boss asking if I could come in early, and I was like yea sure since by then heather hadn’t even opened my message and it was about 30 mins from her next class. I walked through the breezeway, and as I walked I saw her, walking with someone else (prob a classmate) and talking, just hanging out. I dipped into the bathroom so she wouldn’t see me. She later texted me (one minute before her next class started) saying “sorry, my phone died and I just now got this message.” I guess she didn’t know that iphones tell you if the message was delivered to the other person’s phone. yeah, it does kind of hurt, that she bailed on me. it feels like I’m a second option, and if given the chance, she’d hang with other people. Since then, we met up like, once in the last month. In the last two weeks or so, I haven’t seen her at all. She just keeps saying “sorry, I’m too busy now” or “sorry, I didn’t see your message.” I asked if I could borrow her textbook for the gov exam, and she said she had a problem with the rental company and had to temporarily return it. I got a 74 on the exam, by the way. I figure maybe I just shouldn’t message her any more; if she wants to hang with me she’ll message me first.

Speaking of friends, I posted a pic on ig the other day. It’s a far away shot of me that rose took, sitting in the corner of a cafe. The caption was just “let’s get this (bread emoji)” ya know, just a dumb phrase. Anjlie liked it, and I was like... why. I looked at her profile (I unfollowed her long ago so I haven’t kept up with her feed) and she’s changed from 2014 low-saturation tumblr aesthetic to wannabe ig famous aesthetic. Also, she’s tagged this one girl in a lot of her captions. I can tell they’re friends, but it looks like the other girl doesn’t tag her back in nearly as much of her photos. Anjlie was always kind of socially anxious, it seems like she’s made one (1) friend in college that she’s completely attached herself to.

So, my motorcycle. Yeah, I changed the air filter, but it didn’t really affect it. Then I changed the spark plugs (also have to do with gas combustion), didn’t really see an improvement either (but MAN you should see these spark plugs, they’re entirely rust). I figured maybe it’s because the gas tube has a u-shaped curve in it, maybe it’s having trouble lifting the gas back up. So I changed it, and the next day when I walked back to my bike the gas had drained nearly completely onto the ground via a leak that I couldn’t find for the life of me. When I first walked up to my bike I saw some guy standing around kind of suspiciously and got worried, but then when I saw the leak he was like “is this your bike? I was calling parking services because I was concerned about the leak.” I ended up leaving my bike there for nearly a week (and took the city bus to school instead, since obvs I couldn’t drive) before I could get a tow truck called. i knew it was the carbureator by this point due to additional research, and I tried to fix it myself right there in the parking lot, but one of the screws was stripped so I took it to the mechanic and told him there was a leak because of the carbureator. one day when I took an uber home from work, I slammed my thumb in the car door and it bled so fucking bad. I cried like a bitch. It felt like I was nancy kerrigan, because my bike was going to be repaired soon but I couldn’t drive it because nail. But the bike got “fixed,” in which the mechanic said that the issue was the gas filter which was kind of weak. I was like yea I replaced the gas filter myself, but I used the same kind as before so that’s not the issue. and of course the leak didn’t go away. So I brought the bike back and was like “there’s a problem in the carbureator. please clean and rebuild it. don’t try to diagnose anything because I’ve told you before that the issue is the carbureator and you won’t listen.” he held onto the bike for a week and said “it’s the accelerator pump.” i told him to also clean the fucking carb and he finally did (for $267). I told iris and nick how I wanted to just buy a new bike and they were all “oh no that’s too expensive” as if I haven’t spent over $800 in repairs the last two months. And I didn’t even ask for advice from those people, anyways. 

I did call in, for like all of my remaining usf shifts. I’m now officially ioa exclusive, as a result of my incessant bitching about how much I hate usf. And I got cross trained as a cook at cinnabon!!!!! I’ve done a shit job so far tho, I always underestimate the number of buns needed and then end up running out. Tomorrow I have a shift at cinnabon tho, so I can finally redeem myself. Next week I’m scheduled for tuesday and friday too, so I guess my availability didn’t get 100% approved. It’s okay though, one more month until the semester is over and I can change my availability again to weekends only for real for real this time. I’m also going to take up delivering for postmates. they allow motorcycles, so between classes and in the evening I’m gonna deliver. they say you can make on average 10-15 an hour, which is pretty decent considering I’m mostly going to be driving. And even though they don’t reimburse you gas money, I get 80 mpg so I think I’m good. The other day was my enrollment appointment for spring. I already had a schedule ready, just needed to press submit. but then rose was like “oh can you pls pick up peter he doesn’t have a car” and it made me 13 minutes late and all the classes I chose were full. So I had to pick a new schedule, where the first class is at 7:30 am and the last class gets out at 7:15 pm. With like, a 4-hour gap in the middle. Kill me.

I don’t think I have many other topics to cover. I submitted my second paper in english, and next week I submit the last. I bought new toothpaste the other day. still looking to move out (but now, planning to wait till like january). still depressed as shit. but hey, let’s just play it by ear.