#TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS FOR VINCE

[oddsconvert]

What’s Vince up to?

Besides boarding up his house because it’s surrounded by humans with pitchforks.

DIE IN A FIRE, VINCE!!!

YESSS VINCE DIE IN A FIRE CHALLENGE🔥🔥🔥😤😤😤

From this!

However....I regret to inform you... Vince is feeling quite content with life, and very happy with himself right now 😔 With Deccy 'dead', he invested in a new bloodbag almost immediately. Straight out to human territory to capture some more food.

They're not quite as clever as Declan was - they're noisy and destructive. Vince is already hard at work melting their mind with a mix of pain and persuasion.

Right now? His human has been compelled into deep slumber, they won't wake until next nightfall. He has Vivaldi's four seasons blaring through his mansion, slouching in his arm chair near the fireplace, feet up and sipping on a goblet of his newest humans blood.

[adamwatchesmovies]

Constantine (2005)

Constantine comes from the era of comic book film adaptation when we were just happy to get ANYTHING. This allowed writers, directors and executives to do whatever they wanted to make the stories and characters more accessible and bankable without mobs coming to their doors with pitchforks and torches. Unfortunately, this often resulted in generic, forgettable films. The less familiar you are with the Hellblazer comics, the more likely you are to appreciate this less-than-faithful take on the character. I enjoyed it just enough to give it a mild recommendation while hoping a better adaptation will someday leave this one in the dust.

In LA, cynical occultist John Constantine (Keanu Reeves) is surprised to find a demon attempting to enter our world through its possessed host, rather than simply puppeteering her the way demons usually do. Meanwhile, Detective Angela Dodson (Rachel Weisz) is shocked when her twin sister, Isabel, commits suicide. Isabel knew this mortal sin would condemn her to Hell, which prompts Angela to suspect she was actually murdered. These strange events are somehow linked to a strange spearhead discovered in a ruined church in Mexico that possesses a man (Jesse Ramirez) while granting him near-invincibility.

With his American accent and black hair, this Constantine feels a lot more like a traditional cynical hero than the blonde from Liverpool you'll find in the pages of DC/Vertigo's comics. There are worse things your movie could do, but it doesn’t help make the story memorable. There's got a mystery that leads to a big threat, which is a good spine to build your skeleton upon. We’re introduced to several rules about the world. Turns out that God and the Devil (Peter Stormare) are competing for mankind’s souls and that neither demons nor angels can directly interfere; they only “influence” people. “Half-breed” angels and demons can walk around doing what they want, however, and when they go too far, Constantine puts them back in their place. He’s doing this to win himself a spot in Heaven. Our favorite exorcist has terminal lung cancer - that’s what you get for smoking non-stop. Maybe this case will be the one to get him his golden ticket. I dunno. Doesn’t it feel like more could be done with this? When you boil it down, Constantine isn’t much deeper than End of Days with Arnold Schwarzenegger and is that really where we want to be?

It’s the details of the world that wind up interesting us in the end. The visions of Hell we see are unique. It’s like a perpetual nuclear sandstorm ripping apart a parallel Earth, with damned souls squirming in agony below while demons prowl about. Getting there requires you to perform simple but convincing-looking rituals, which is one of the standout moments. Rachel Weisz and Keanu Reeves have some pretty good chemistry, even if it would be a cliché for her to fall for a man who didn’t even hold the elevator door open for her the first time they met. Pruitt Taylor Vince as Father Hennessy has an inventive encounter with a demon. Shia LaBeouf plays Chas Kramer, Constantine’s driver and apprentice but he’s gone for such large chunks of the movie you wonder why he was even included. Tilda Swinton has a memorable but small role as the Archangel Gabriel. At this point, I feel like I’m just going through a list of things about the movie, which anyone could do… but maybe that’s all there is to say. How does the movie make you feel? Excited while Constantine is shooting demons with his cross-shaped gun or punching them with holy brass knuckles, I guess. Intrigued when we’re piecing together the clues behind Isabel’s death, I guess. Not exactly a rousing endorsement but the film is not boring. It moves, you want to see what’s coming next and once it’s over, it’s out of your mind.   Could it be that I’m nostalgic for Constantine? I do remember seeing it when it was released on DVD. In fact, I specifically remember buying it. I went to HMV looking for V for Vendetta. This was going to mark my official transition from VHS to discs and when I got to the store, I saw they had an exclusive 2-pack that included Constantine for free. Maybe that’s what's tipping me over the scale; the fact that I didn’t have to pay anything to see this film. If you decide to check it out, stay all the way to the end of the credits for a bonus scene. (August 16, 2022)

[gilligould]

no disrespect to vince. but if peter loses, you will see me in the streets, torches and pitchforks,

[dalekofchaos]

If you could've had your way with TWDG season 2 with Christa and Omid's baby and the 400 days gang, how do you think it could've gone?

First. Clem never finds Christa and Omid.

The beginning of season 2 would be about Clem finding Christa and Omid.

Christa is still pregnant and Christa is under the care of the 400 Days crew, everyone but Bonnie left Carver and are on the run. They are all suspicious of Clem when she arrives at their cabin, but when Christa tells them who she is, they let Clem go to Christa.

We'd find out Omid and Christa got separated when they were looking for Clem. More on that later.

Vince takes the role of Luke/Carlos in the game. Russell and Becca are wary around Clem but come around, Wyatt is the chill older brother and Shel is the mom friend. Kenny of course returns and when Kenny sees both Clem and Christa, there is a big reunion of them together.

Episode 2, instead of meeting Carver, we meet Troy(as was teased) same situation but he says “my boss needs me to find them”

When we get to the ski lodge, instead of meeting Kenny, we would meet Omid. Happy reunion between Clem, Omid and Christa

Kenny would take the role of Carver. Now before ya’ll come at me with pitchforks and torches, Kenny was supposedly planned to be the antagonist character for the second season. Gavin Hammon revealed this during his OMG!Con 2015 Q&A Panel alongside Melissa Hutchinson. He said that Kenny was supposed to be the leader of the community Luke and the cabin survivors fled from, so Kenny would be in the Carver role. I think it could’ve worked. Losing his family, losing Lee and nearly dying to save Ben or Christa could’ve pushed him over the edge.

Episode 3, you are tempted in choosing between your new friends or our old friend Kenny. But Clem realizes the Kenny she knew is long gone

Kenny blames Clem for everything. In Kenny’s POV, if Clem didn’t listen to The Stranger, Lee wouldn’t have gotten bitten, he wouldn’t have had to risk his life to try to save an already dying Ben or save Christa and they wouldn’t have lost the boat, they all would’ve gotten away. But due to Clem’s foolish childish desire to see her parents, everything fell apart. Again, this is Kenny’s perspective in this version

When the walkie-talkie plan goes down south, Vince is caught and as Clem prepares to turn herself in, Omid takes the blame is the one who is beat to a pulp

Seeing as Kenny has no attachment like Carver had for Rebecca, he does not catch them in the act(you’ll see why later) they are able to free themselves. Troy still gets shot in the dick but this time, it's Clem who shoots him.

In place of Carlos, Shel is the one who gets shot and eaten. Becca runs

Episode 4. They all make it to the meet up spot. The deal to get ready for the baby happens as planned. Clem and Russell find Shel and Wyatt. While Becca was not sheltered like Sarah, she finds apart of herself died with Shel, but Clem is able to get her to snap out. I like to think Clem, Becca and Russell would begin to have a close friendship rather than Clem and Jane. Before giving birth, Clem and Christa are picking out names and Clem suggests "Lee Jr" both Christa and Omid like that. In place of Arvo, it’s Eddie. Christa gives birth, but she dies. Before dying, Christa tells Clem to promise that she will take care of LJ no matter what, Clem promises. Near the end Eddie would bring back survivors from Kenny’s camp. Kenny has them surrounded. Bonnie tries to talk Kenny out of this and telling him they can all work together to survive. Kenny looks like he’s come to his senses, but raises the gun and shoots Bonnie. Episode 5. Kenny is hunting everyone down. He wants to kill Clem and Omid and take the baby for himself. The last survivors are Clem, LJ, Becca and Russell. Omid sacrifices himself to save Clem. Clem shoots Kenny and for a brief moment, the old Kenny resurfaces and realizes the horrible things he’s done and apologizes. We would have a choice to forgive him, say Kenny will see Duck and Katja or to condemn Kenny

TNF and The Final season. Ideally I would just mix both seasons together. It would just be Clem, Russell and Becca protecting LJ in Wellington and LJ coming into his own. Lilly returns as the villain to attack and raid Wellington and we have to protect our home. We can choose between Russell or Becca to romance. I would honestly have us go to The Delta and face the leader. The only person who makes sense to be the leader for The Delta is Nate from 400 Days. Nate will try to kill our love interest and Clem kills Nate. The Delta falls apart and after freeing Wellington's people and our friends, we escape. Lilly takes Minnie's place. Clem gets bit and LJ chops her foot off. Clem shares a tender moment with her love interest and a cutsey moment with LJ and end with Chloe looking at peace.

That way we have a season that actually gives us answers about Christa, Omid isn't killed instantly, we take care of Omid and Christa's baby instead of AJ and does something for Vince, Wyatt, Shel, Becca and Russell instead of minor cameos and never doing anything for them again. While it's sad that this version doesn't have Javi, Kate, Gabe or the Ericson school. I think it's more important to have the final season be about Clem and co living in Wellington and defending their new home.

[mattpayton]

Matt Payton’s Best Of 2018 Brought To You By MoviePass

Thank you for helping to make 2018 a huge success for all of us here at MoviePass, a company that is definitely housed in some sort of building with desks and not some trust fund kid running this thing from a Panera Bread before going to a court-ordered rehab program every morning!

When we heard Matt Payton was making his annual best-of lists for 2018 we thought this was a great partnership opportunity and told him we would be handling all the write ups this year. Technically this counts toward our 6,000 hours of community service that we owe after accidentally blowing up the scooter factory we were interning at, so let us all take a moment to reflect on the joys of giving back.

Let’s see some of his favorite releases from the past year, shall we? We only ask that you refrain from looking at this until March, as this is considered “peak list time” and it will cost an additional $14.95 a minute. We apologize for any inconvenience but sometimes we have to make hard decisions to keep offering you so many lists per month that you definitely want to read and have heard of!

MATT’S FAVORITE ALBUMS OF 2018

1. Cloud Nothings Last Building Burning

This album is a supercharged loud burst of frustrated energy that sounded great over our speakers until the repo man came in and loaded them into his truck. He called back later to say that the whole album slaps in between tirades asking us how we sleep at night. Super passionate guy!

2. Pusha T DAYTONA

We played this one at our party celebrating 1 million subscribers and our unpaid intern/CFO/in-house counsel was so taken by the album’s focused drive and straightforward production that he opted not to testify against us in the civil suit brought forth by our investors. I mean, we’re not talking about ongoing legal matters here, bump this shit at your next get together with your totally legit and above-board friends!

3. Parquet Courts Wide Awake!

Every one of our employees was given a copy of this album for taking a pay hiatus from February-December to show our appreciation for their sacrifices and access to their plasma. The ones who survived reported that the many styles attempted on this record were pulled off with aplomb!

4. No Age Snares Like A Haircut

At our quarterly board meetings we would usually need a fast, droning album to get things going after the sifter of China white would get depleted. We’ll be goddamned if this didn’t do the trick each time until we switched over to an audiobook on how to successfully steal someone’s identity without having to answer a bunch of e-mails. 

5. Snail Mail Lush

The arrangements on each of the songs are so rich that you can always appreciate something new with each listen just like the media can always appreciate how Netflix is the respectable behemoth on the scene even though they’re $20 billion in debt and put out mostly crap, but our heads are in the clouds because we wanted to give people affordable movie ticket prices. I just don’t get why we’re the assholes and people don’t talk about her vocal range on this record more. 

6. Earl Sweatshirt Some Rap Songs

Just breathe and do your exercises, your work doesn’t define you. There’s still time to open that fountain pen store you’ve always thought about. You can offer people unlimited ink for 5 years if they just give you 30 bucks up front. Then you could, oh this album is in a whole other realm and you want to stay there, just get some money...

7. Dilly Dally Heaven

...To stay afloat until the real customers kick in and they’ll pay for the ink as they go at full price. The initial free ink people will be grandfathered in but they’ll be offset. Wait, what if they just tell the other customers they got the hookup? Okay we’ll have to, sorry, these riffs will be stuck in your head for days and there’s no fat on the whole album, it sets a mood for sure, put something in the ink... 

8. KIDS SEE GHOSTS KIDS SEE GHOSTS

...That will slowly poison the people who paid so little for it so eventually everyone will be paying the full price and the huge profits will make up for the beginning losses. Phew! Glad I solved that pickle. The fact that the production style is kind of all over the place is actually this album’s strength, I don’t know, it’s good, okay? I got bigger fish to fry right now.

9. Vince Staples FM!

Like how do I keep the poison ink separate from the regular ink without tipping off one of the employees? I guess I could just work by myself in the store every day, but what kind of life is that? I could be like Vince Staples and make a product that gets more rewarding the more you engage with it, but I also need some me time.

10. Kurt Vile Bottle It In

If my mind isn’t sharp how will I develop a poison ink that slowly kills you without ingesting it? Maybe the smell could be so strong that you breathe it in and eventually collapses your lungs like coal. You see, this is why I need some time off because I just thought of that off the top of my head and I haven’t worked on MoviePass since October. I just appear laid back like Kurt Vile so no one realizes how intricate and consistent our output is that they almost start to take it for granted. 

Honorable Mention:

Anna Burch Quit The Curse

Jay Rock Redemption

MATT’S FAVORITE SONGS OF 2018

1. Parquet Courts “Total Football”

A rousing, mission statement type of song that’s so good you’ll just stay home and listen to it for months instead of going to the movies, allowing the company paying for said movies to get back into the black. 

2. NoName “Blaxploitation”

A song that will make people think and therefore distract them as they gather outside of your headquarters wielding pitchforks and lit torches to light your image in effigy. 

3. Pusha T “The Games We Play”

The type of song you’d want to drive around to, particularly if you’re fleeing the country with several briefcases containing IOUs and user agreements. 

4. Cloud Nothings “Leave Him Now”

Put this song on a mixtape for someone who you were interested in or legally has to tell you that they’re a cop before going on a backpacking trip through Europe with you.

5. Snail Mail “Full Control”

Lush by Snail Mail

This song would really work in a movie trailer provided that you had a movie membership that paid the cost of such things instead of giving you enough money to sneak in 70 minutes into the movie when the ticket seller goes on break.

6. No Age “Cruise Control”

A good song to put on when trying to set up a new IP address to illegally download a movie with Lithuanian subtitles because you’re certainly not going to be able to see it in a theater with our options. 

7. MGMT “Little Dark Age”

A song to play for that special someone who you’ve become close with thanks to the prison pen pal program as you’ve blown all your seed money on a Potsie from Happy Days scheme.  

8. Ty Segall “The Main Pretender”

Embed this song in an e-mail to your customers next time you explain to them that you sold all of their personal information to the Assad government and your DOB/SSN will be the passcode to detonate an explosive device.

9. Titus Andronicus “Number One (In New York)”

This song is so good you’ll only want to listen to it once a year, which is the same frequency you should see movies, preferably on a Tuesday morning not during a holiday week. 

10. Kurt Vile “Loading Zones”

The perfect song to play while screaming, “I was just ahead of my time!” into a mirror in the middle of the night while holed up in the remains of your childhood home you’ve mortgaged to the gills. 

MATT’S FAVORITE MOVIES OF 2018

1. First Reformed (Paul Schrader)

Now we’re on the movie side, our area of expertise! This came out when we were still offering our services without any strings attached. But after getting a glimpse into the persecuted mind of Paul Schrader we decided to put our customers through their own self-lacerating baptism by fire. Very inspirational movie for all of us!

2. The Favourite (Yorgos Lanthimos)

When this movie came out the only movies we made available were industrials from the 1920s that advocated to leave behind the children in the factories who got their fingers stuck in the bobbins. It was very funny and visually striking but not as informative as Pop Go The Weasels. 

3. The Death Of Stalin (Armando Iannucci)

This is the first film that Mr. Payton used our membership and it set him up with a false hope that going to the movies was going to be this easy and joyous from this point on. Much like the movie, we started showing all the backstabbing and deceit available to mankind shortly after the inciting incident.

  4. The Ballad Of Buster Scruggs (Joel & Ethan Coen)

This movie was seen at a theater using our service but at this point in the year people were so beaten down from lowered expectations that the Coen brothers sued us for stealing their themes of trying to make the best out of a life where you’re damned before you’ve begun. 

5. Leave No Trace (Debra Granik)

While we were still technically thriving when this movie came out, we soon took inspiration from the main characters of this movie and went off the grid for quite some time. When we came back and greeted the creditors who were roasting marshmallows over the burning remains of our ledgers they politely verified our identity before punching us in the solar plexus. 

6 Sorry To Bother You (Boots Riley)

This movie’s class conscious critique of capitalism made us nervous until we offered customers a time-share zamboni ownership for getting 12 friends to sign up for our service. That’s the kind of collective organizing we like to encourage!

7. Burning (Chang-dong Lee)

We did not make this movie available for our service so Mr. Payton had to pay a regular ticket price to see it. We made it up to him by automatically renewing his membership for the next 10 years, by which point we will be a chocolate of the month club. The movie also starts out as one thing and turns into quite another. So you’d think he’d admire us for it. 

8. Support The Girls (Andrew Bujalski)

This came out during the period where we would make movies available one day and then the next have nothing to offer and what an exciting time to be alive! Much like the characters had to do in the movie, you never knew what was going to come at you and make things extremely frustrating for no reason whatsoever. That’s why they call this a business and not just something I’m doing to prove to my dad that podiatry school would’ve been a waste of time.

9. Shoplifters (Hirokazu Koreeda)

We have a lot in common with this movie as it won the top prize at the Cannes film festival in France and we’re not allowed in the country since we tried to sell low-cost accordions to street urchins as part of our senior thesis at the Wharton School. But no one had any vision for these kinds of subscriptions services way back in the spring of 2017. 

10. If Beale Street Could Talk (Barry Jenkins)

The movie was touching and funny and full of great performances and if you happen to be interested in any investment opportunities for the love of god don’t talk to your financial advisor or fucking wife and just head down to the Embassy Suites off route 10 and meet me in the conference room after the sun goes down tonight. The prospectus will be written in invisible ink but the cookies will be made with the best Burry’s Fudge Town has to offer!

Honorable Mention:

Cold War (Pawel Pawlikowski)

A Quiet Place (John Krasinski)

Lean On Pete (Andrew Haigh)

Blaze (Ethan Hawke)

Filmworker (Tony Zierra)

MATT’S MOST OVERHYPED MOVIES OF 2018

1. Eighth Grade (Bo Burnham)

I’m glad you could make it here today and again, we don’t need to turn on the lights. The lady at the front desk said it would just disturb the other guests here. 

2. BlacKkKlansman (Spike Lee)

No, you don’t need to ask her. She definitely knows we’re in here and even asked if I’d go on a date with her earlier. She said something about having a hot cousin who is lonely if you want to double. 

3. Game Night (John Francis Daley & Jonathan Goldstein)

But that’s not the point right now, I have the investment opportunity of a lifetime here and the fact that you’ve read this far down on the best of the year list shows you’ve got what it takes to rake it in over the long haul. 

4. Can You Ever Forgive Me? (Marielle Heller)

Why yes, I wouldn’t mind speaking more clearly into the flower on your lapel. My, what a lovely fragrance that is! Panasonic, you say? I’m unfamiliar with that type of bouquet. 

5. Roma (Alfonso Cuarón)

So anyway, you just give me the money and I’ll come back with triple the amount after a few months! If you want to reinvest at that point, it’s up to you. Hey, what’s that taped to your chest? 

6. Isle Of Dogs (Wes Anderson)

Oh I get it, you’re a movie bootlegger. That’s why you wanted in on the ground floor of this. You wear audio equipment into theaters and you need a man on the inside of the business to gain more of a foothold. 

7. You Were Never Really Here (Lynne Ramsay)

Damnit! I knew this was too good to be true. I’m sorry, I’m going to have to ask that you get back into that car outside waiting for you with your two friends wearing sunglasses and matching jackets in the front seat that’s still running. 

8. First Man (Damien Chazelle)

No! You know what? I said 2019 was going to be the year I started trusting my gut more and I have a good feeling about you. Because a successful business needs a good idea and vision, which I have taken care of. It also needs money, which is where that extremely light suitcase I helped you carry comes in. 

9. Vice (Adam McKay)

So you have a passion for movies that occasionally has you bending the law to spread them to friends and loved ones? I’d rather have a partner who cares and has vital blood pumping through their veins than some old lifeless, rule-following bureaucrat. 

10. Widows (Steve McQueen)

I’d love to shake your hand to finalize this deal as soon as you’re done talking into the underside of your wrist. Let’s just wait until these gentlemen crashing through the windows make their way over to the concierge desk and we can sign this thing. Do you have a fountain pen? 

Just Plain Worst Movies:

Bohemian Rhapsody (Bryan Singer)

Chappaquiddick (John Curran)

Mute (Duncan Jones)

Ready Player One (Steven Spielberg)

Previous Years In Review

[fromtheringapron]

Ranking the Rumbles

As we march through 2018, From the Ring Apron will be branching out into new territory. While I’ll continue to review pay-per-view events, I’ll also be offering some other kinds of content to spice things up. So let’s toast to new beginnings with a ranking of all 30 Royal Rumble matches!

I love the Royal Rumble. I’ve said something similar on here before, but there’s never been a Rumble match I haven’t been entertained by on some level. Even the lesser offerings serve up some natural intrigue because no matter what happens, the clock is always ticking with a new superstar right around the corner ready to change up the game. And when you’ve rewatched all of them over the past month like me, you really get a flavor for what WWE’s roster was like 25, 15, or even 5 years ago. This year will have two Rumbles, one of them being the first ever women’s Royal Rumble, so I’m excited to say the least.

But enough with the stalling. Let’s go worst to first to see which Rumble comes out on top:

30. Royal Rumble 2015: It doesn’t get any worse than this. Watching the Philly crowd launch a coup on this match is fascinating. The moment Daniel Bryan is eliminated is right when the Rumble plays out like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly⏤slowly crumbling to pieces until it morphs into something truly horrendous. By the time Roman Reigns raises his arms in victory, you can almost hear the crowd gathering the torches and pitchforks to storm WWE headquarters en masse. While you can make the argument the 2014 Rumble came down to WWE misreading their audience, (although, c’mon, that’s just putting it politely), this one seems bred out of contempt for them. Having your hottest babyface win the Rumble is a good idea; the problem is that the WWE desperately wanted that babyface to be Reigns, not Bryan, and they would piss off their entire fanbase to ensure it. That’s such a special kind of despicable.

29. Royal Rumble 1999: “Guys, guys, I have an idea,” said Vince Russo to the WWF creative team one day in early 1999. “Let’s try to fit an entire episode of Raw is War into one Royal Rumble match!”  And thus one of the most jarring Rumbles in history was born. Let’s get one thing out of the way: this match is not boring. It kinda feels like some weird, sugar-addled experiment filled with frequent cutaways, interruptions, and run-ins. There is a lot going on here to the point your mind doesn’t really have the time to drift. The only problem is that the actual Rumble feels like the least important thing about it. Look, I get the Austin vs. McMahon rivalry was a huge deal, and that the WWF as a whole was in the midst of an extremely popular period, but surely they didn’t have to sacrifice the main draw of their January pay-per-view for it all. The Rumble here just feels like an arbitrary thing the competitors are using to pass the time before resuming their grudges with each other, and that doesn’t sit well with me at all.

28. Royal Rumble 2014: So it’s not that bad, actually. It’s a fairly standard Rumble for the most part but, man, that last third is when the anxiety starts to settle in. It’s only the Rumble where the dread mounts the closer we get to # 30. You can almost hear the Pittsburgh crowd’s collective disappointment when the latter entrants reveal themselves to be anyone but Daniel Bryan. Fan favorites and forward-thinking winner choices are then eliminated in favor of Batista, who looks like a shell of his former self. Perhaps WWE really did think pushing him again would work and, again, the match isn’t that bad for the most part. However, for the way it unravels, its complete oversight of Bryan’s popularity, and what it represents in terms of how well WWE listens to fans, it places here.

27. Royal Rumble 1997: Early 1997 was such a weird time, and let this Rumble be proof. Many of the Attitude Era’s stars are here, but many of them are far removed from the characters we know them as today (Jesse James as the real Double J? Kane as Fake Diesel? Some cheeseball named Rocky Maivia?) Also, since the main roster is so thin at this point, we see a handful of luchadors from Mexico enter the fray, none of them making any discernible impact. Overall, the pacing is uneven and there’s a drab atmosphere to the whole affair. The clock and buzzer don’t even work for portions of the match. It’s clumsy and doesn’t even have the decency to be fun about it (unlike, say, 1995, but we’ll get to that a bit later). It does, however, boast one of my favorite Rumble moments: a brash, cocky Steve Austin awaits the next entrant, only for it to be none other than blood rival Bret Hart. The look on Austin’s face is priceless.

26. Royal Rumble 2016: My first thought here is “Well, at least it’s not 2014 or 2015!” But then I realize that’s such a low bar to pass and this one is kinda problematic in its own right. In their desperation to get Roman Reigns over with the audience, Vince McMahon & Co. had him defend the WWE title against 29 other competitors in the Rumble. An intriguing idea I suppose, but the whole thing turns out to be a Triple H vanity project by the end. Choosing between the unpopular, over-pushed Reigns and an over-the-hill Triple H isn’t a game anyone should play, but damn it are we all forced to partake. Fortunately, we do get the debut of AJ Styles, which is one of those things nobody thought would ever happen but here we sit all this time later enjoying its long-term benefits.

25. Royal Rumble 1993: The 1993 Rumble is almost completely zapped of the energy that made the previous year’s match work so well. It just trudges along, almost as if it’s been drugged into a barely conscious state. There is no momentum at any point. Randy Savage, clearly not wanting to win that badly, tries to pin Yokozuna in a match where such a thing is clearly not allowed. It’s not without its weird charms though. Since the WWF roster is comprised of odds and ends, we’re treated to some jarring character interactions that could only happen during this time (Bob Backlund circa 1993 tussles with, um, The Berzerker?). We’re also entering the era where the Rumble has some seriously random entrants to pad out the numbers, so it’s interesting to see who the WWF manages to dig up, like Carlos Colon. Then we get the debut of the infamous Giant Gonzales to top it all off, airbrushed butt crack and all. 1993 must’ve been one heck of a time to be a wrestling fan in this world.

24. Royal Rumble 1988: There’s not much to dissect here, but the first ever Rumble match wasn’t really meant to be epic anyway (yes, I’m aware a Rumble happened at a house show in ’87; don’t lash out at me). With only 20 men involved, it’s a quick watch. It doesn’t push the “no friends” angle of the match at all, as Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura constantly bring up the rigid heel/face divide. There’s also the occasional awkwardness, such as Nikolai Volkoff hilariously showing up well before his number. Even then, the crowd is super into it and it’s easy to see why they made the Rumble an annual pay-per-view event after this.

23. Royal Rumble 2006: With 2014 and 2015 as obvious exceptions, the 2006 Rumble match is the one where the narrative it’s trying to push feels the most fraudulent. Yes, Rey Mysterio defies the odds and breaks the longevity record to win it all, but there’s a stink lingering in the air. Eddie Guerrero���s death in November 2005 was tragic, but that didn’t stop WWE from milking it for storylines in the following months, most of which involving Guerrero’s best friend Mysterio. The whole “Do it for Eddie!” vibe of Mysterio’s journey throughout this match feels grossly exploitive of a real-life tragedy. I feel like I should place this lower, but there are good moments sprinkled throughout and the Roman entrance set is cool. The smallest man in the match going the distance is a wonderful story; it’s just a shame this particular one was birthed out of an attempt to cash in on an actual death.

22. Royal Rumble 2009: Probably the most nondescript Rumble ever? I’m struggling to find the words for it. I think it has something to do with the fact that much of the match’s drama is meant to come from Legacy, a trio of boring white guys who I can’t even remotely give a shit about. Santino Morella breaks The Warlord’s record for the shortest time and, hey, Hacksaw Jim Duggan is here! Other than that, it’s just your typical Rumble, with some details any WWE 2009 aficionado would know (MVP on a losing streak! The Brian Kendrick is a thing!). Some interesting-ish stuff happens and Orton wins. Let’s move on.

21. Royal Rumble 1995: Let’s be real: this match is a hot mess. The one-minute intervals between each entrant leave the camera crew and the commentary team struggling to catch up at various points. The roster is loaded with the paper-thin cartoon characters that populated the WWF landscape in 1995. It’s the first Rumble to be marked with super quick eliminations. And then there’s Pamela Anderson sitting at ringside, looking like she’d rather be anywhere else. But you know what? I am entertained by this neon and glitter-covered fuck truck of a match. Something about watching all these ridiculous characters battle it out and get quickly tossed out gives it this level of absurdist humor I personally enjoy. I mean, if you’re going to fill the match with a bunch of wacky gimmicks and an even wackier stipulation (It’s basically The Bachelorette starring Baywatch’s lead actress???), you might as well just spit on tradition and go for something totally off the wall, and boy does it ever. I’m not sure a more traditional Rumble would’ve been the right fit for this particular era or cast of characters. Some Rumbles stick to convention and are all the better for it, but perhaps I wouldn’t enjoy this one as much if it played things straight, if that makes any sense. 

20. Royal Rumble 2010: I’m not sure why they decided to make this one a sprint. Were they running out of time or something? It’s not even like they had the one-minute interval thing as an excuse. I tend to view Rumble matches that quickly burn through most its entrants entrants in a less favorable light. I know I literally just praised 1995 for the exact same thing, but it felt more suited for that era and its cast of characters. Here, we’re watching a lot of younger stars with potential get chucked out in favor of the old guard, which will become a serious issue in the years to come. However, for what it lacks in depth it makes up for in a few memorable moments, especially the ones involving HBK. God, I don’t know where to begin with him. I love the iciness with which he cuts a swath through the match, including eliminating his best pal Triple H. Watching him try to grasp the ring rope before ultimately falling to the floor, knowing his one last chance at wrestling The Undertaker will never come to pass, feels like some dark, weighty Shakespeare shit. And then there’s that devastated, beyond-the-pale look on his face when he’s eliminated as if his 25-years-long career just got flushed down the toilet. Truly one of great unheralded Rumble performances ever.

19. Royal Rumble 2013: Obvious winner is obvious. On paper, the 2013 Rumble is the one from this decade that feels the most old-school. The top babyface emerges victorious, some small surprises pop up throughout, and there’s some solid mid-card performances here and there. Can’t you just imagine Hulk Hogan winning a similar affair in the early ‘90s? The only problem here is that we’re firmly entrenched in the continuation of the Rock/Cena feud, which nobody wanted and killed off so many other potentially interesting storylines in its path. So while Cena’s win should’ve come as little surprise, it’s still kinda blah and it’s easy to pine for a more interesting result. One random revelation: Goldust has been in and out of WWE so many times that it’s difficult to assess which of his appearances in any given Rumble of the past decade or so counts as a “surprise.”

18. Royal Rumble 1994: This should place lower. Since many of the heels appeared earlier in the Yokozuna/The Undertaker casket match, it took away a lot of steam from their appearance in the Rumble. Guys pulling double duty at the Royal Rumble will never win points from me. Then there’s the co-winner thing which, I mean, I get why they did it but I don’t want to see it done ever again. Bret Hart and Lex Luger are in the record books as Rumble winners but do either of them really feel like it? And, my god, do I feel robbed of a Bastion Booger Rumble appearance. The match is still fairly energetic despite all of this, however. It peaks early with Diesel’s memorable domination, which has to be one of the biggest star-making performances the Rumble has ever produced. It’s everything the Diesel character should be, which sadly wouldn’t be reflected in his eventual world title run. Of course, this is also a New Generation Rumble so that means we’re treated to some more random entrants that only I could appreciate. Some interesting choices here, like Greg Valentine, Great Kabuki, and, holy hell, how is Virgil is still on the roster? Overall, a strange Rumble that makes a ton of questionable decisions, but the good ones it does make give the match some, uh, diesel fuel.

17. Royal Rumble 1996: People love to dump on this one because the WWF wasn’t in such a great place at this point, but I rented the entire show on VHS a lot as a kid so familiarity breeds comfort. Yes, HBK winning was an inevitability, but I’m okay with the predictability here. You know by now that I’m a sucker for the random entrants of the mid ‘90s Rumbles, and this one feels like the peak of that concept. Takao Omori, Dory Funk Jr., The Swat Team, etc.⏤um, how did they get all these wresters in the same building again? One thing that stuck out to me on a recent rewatch is how many characters here would be phased out or repackaged within months after this match. It’s like an In Memoriam for New Generation gimmicks (RIP Issac Yankem, amazingly not Glen Jacobs’ worst persona). There’s a fun early Steve Austin appearance, but it’s Hunter Hearst Helmsley who gets the iron man spot like he’s gonna be Vince’s son-in-law or something. Oh, and since I almost forgot to mention it, let me say it in my best “Bette White announcing ‘Jay-Z is here!’ in her opening monologue on Saturday Night Live” voice: Guess what? Vader is here!

16. Royal Rumble 1998: What a difference a year makes. The general clumsiness of a still-struggling WWF was readily apparent in the 1997 Rumble, even if it featured beta versions of many of the Attitude Era’s most memorable characters. But, as we see here in 1998, this WWF is cool, with plenty of momentum to boot. You can really notice how fresh everything feels at this point. Many of the era’s biggest names are now firmly in the personas that will make them stars. Of course there’s The Rock and Stone Cold and so on, but Mick Foley is the one who jumps out at me. Having all 3 faces of Foley enter the Rumble is a super clever way of showing how a performer can make a gimmick work, and in particular works as a showcase of the charisma leading Foley to the WWF title just a year later. Austin’s win is an inevitability but an essential step to his coronation at Wrestlemania XIV. Overall, the roster does trend a bit bland. There are iron man performances from the likes of Blackjack Bradshaw and 8-Ball that nobody wants to see. And if you’re an Ahmed Johnson fan, this is not the match for you, as we’re forced to bare witness to the sad, final days of his WWF tenure where even entering the ring is a struggle.

15. Royal Rumble 2000: Is it just me or is the MSG crowd relatively quiet for this? It’s kinda distracting at certain points. Given they just saw Cactus Jack’s face pedigreed into a bed of thumb tacks, perhaps I can’t blame them. Anyway, the WWF thankfully decided they went overboard in 1999 with trying to stuff as many twists and turns into the Rumble as possible and instead played it a little more conventionally for 2000. It’s a little too conservative at times and can fall flat in the drama department, but there are quite a few genuinely fun moments. The Road Dogg’s bottom rope strategy is one of those cool “I can’t believe nobody has done this before!” moments. Since it’s the year 2000, the entire planet loves The Rock so him winning is appropriate, although it did lead to some controversy where The Big Show still got a place in the main event at WrestleMania in a classic example of the Attitude Era getting too twist-heavy for its own good. Kaientai and Mean Street Posse’s constant interference finally addresses the question of how low-card talent must feel when they’re excluded from the Rumble. However, it leaves another question unanswered: what the hell is Bob Backlund is doing here?

14. Royal Rumble 2011: WWE circa early 2010s is so wrapped up in this rubbery, superficial annoyingness that just watching it could give you a migraine. Fortunately, the 2011 Rumble match isn’t affected too much by it, although it does feature heel Michael Cole on commentary. Seriously, listening to heel Cole can single-handedly ruin any show from this time period for me. The only 40-man Rumble match is still great fun for the most part though. I can go either way on the 40-man concept. It doesn’t alter the Rumble match in any harmful way, but there are moments where it starts to lose my interest once it gets past #30. Nexus dominating its middle portion is at least a clever way to change up the pace. Santino Marella’s near-victory is a neat trick that I’ve always wanted to see done, and it even got me hoping he’d win it. Unfortunately, Cole ruined it by shouting, “Oh my god! Oh my god! This is gonna be the biggest upset in history!” Holy hell, just shut the fuck up for once in your life, man.

13. Royal Rumble 2017: It’s perhaps an unpopular decision to place last year’s Rumble in the top half, but I honestly thought it was a return to form after it seemed the match had officially gone off the fucking rails in the previous 3 years. No, Orton wasn’t the ideal winner, but there’s fun little twist and turns up until the end that I don’t even mind it that much. I’m still unsure why they felt we needed to see Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar in 2017 but, much like their entire feud, their segment here is way more enjoyable than expected. Tye Dillinger entering at #10 is one of those exceedingly rare moments where WWE gets it absolutely right and it’s a nice moment for a guy who unfortunately hasn’t quite gotten the same amount of spotlight since. On the other hand, Chris Jericho gives one of the worst iron man performances in Royal Rumble history that makes you wonder why they even bothered to do it. Also, I can’t quite determine if Roman Reigns entering at #30 was a deliberate troll job on WWE’s part, but it’s not a cute look regardless.

12. Royal Rumble 1989: The 1989 Rumble is the first proper Rumble in many ways. It’s the first to have 30 entrants and be broadcast on pay-per-view. But even beyond that, it establishes some hallmarks we’re familiar with now. Having both members of Demolition start as #1 and #2 is a brilliant way to immediately highlight the “no friends” angle of the match, something they didn’t do in 1988. The Mega Powers explosion mid-match shows it’s possible for the Rumble to be a way to build up a WrestleMania main event, which is how it will be used every year going forward. The last third of match is interesting as, since the WrestleMania stipulation is not yet in effect and Hogan has been eliminated, we’re presented an open field where anyone can win. That’s such a stark contrast to now when we can immediately narrow the potential winner down to 4 or 5 choices. The pacing can be kinda slow at times and they’re clearly still tinkering with the 30-man format, but it’s interesting watching them stringing together all the pieces that can make any given Rumble work so well.

11. Royal Rumble 2012: Okay, hear me out: the 2012 Rumble is the best Rumble of this decade so far. I know that may not be a popular opinion but sometimes the Rumble can be so heavy-handed in pushing this narrative that it’s a serious competition jam-packed with action that will have a wide-reaching impact on the Road to WrestleMania™ and sometimes it’s, like, just fucking relax, y’know? Cool your jets. Choose peace. It’s nice to have a light, breezy Rumble every now and then. And look, I hate bad WWE comedy like everyone else, but it doesn’t feel forced here and all parties involved look like they’re having a fun time. Yes, the roster is a “Who’s That?” of early 2010s WWE (I see you, Justin Gabriel, I see you), but it’s honestly the most open field of competitors in forever. It kinda helps that the winner of this one stood zero chance of main eventing Mania anyway, given all that Rock/Cena business. We’re unfortunately still stuck with heel Michael Cole, but him getting bounced by a wrestler named Kharma is too righteous to deny.

10. Royal Rumble 1991: At surface level, the 1991 Rumble isn’t all that game-changing. But a look closer reveals it’s doing a bunch of little things well. There’s a real chaotic feel to it and it’s not afraid to pile on the number of bodies in the ring. We also get a few strong mid card performances where stalwarts like Hercules, Tito Santana, and Greg Valentine last a long time without any pretense to it leading anywhere other than gving them some shine. Rick Martel’s unlikely iron man performance deserves more praise. It’s a great way to get more heat on a chicken shit heel by having him constantly escape elimination by the skin of his teeth, which ignites the audience’s rage with each passing second he lasts. On the flip side, Bushwhacker Luke’s 4-second records is a hilarious bit in an era of Rumbles that didn’t do a whole lot of deliberate comedy. He’s probably still marching the streets of Miami to this day.

9. Royal Rumble 2005: Okay, this is the Rumble where Batista winning was actually the right choice. I just really like the way the match flows. The eliminations are frequent but never rushed, and there are a bunch of fun little character moments throughout. For as much as it’s dead set on making Batista and John Cena look good, one guy I think comes out looking great is Edge, whose push here is a sign of the rated-R superstar he’ll soon become. Some of the bits haven’t aged well, unfortunately. The Muhammed Hassan beatdown is an open display of post-9/11 racist sentiment, and the Hardcore Holly/Chris Benoit beatdown of Daniel Puder feels really yucky once you realize you’re watching a person get legitimately assaulted. The fuck-up at the end is covered up pretty well, although it’s Vince who gives the best effort. That he didn’t even wince in pain despite legit tearing his fucking quads on camera is all the proof I need to show that Vinny Mac is truly some demon incarnate in a human body.

8. Royal Rumble 2002: What do you even call the time after the InVasion and before the brand split? The kinda-sorta-not really-Attitude Era? I don’t know, but one thing that’s clear here is that the roster in 2002 is stacked beyond belief. Not that they always found the best use for everyone, but the Rumble is just a few names shy of being the most star-studded of them all. The four returning competitors are also fun choices, especially Mr. Perfect who clocks in a nice comeback performance. There are hilarious moments sprinkled throughout, like The Hurricane trying a double choke slam on Austin and Triple H or The Undertaker kindly helping Maven locate the popcorn stand. My main gripe is that there’s hardly a moment where the ring fills up. I prefer when the Rumble sees many different superstars clash at once, so while we do have fun character interactions here, I just kinda wish they were surrounded by more chaos.

7. Royal Rumble 2003: Underrated! The first ever WWE Rumble, and the first ever Rumble of the brand split era, is overlooked because late 2002/early 2003 isn’t exactly the most critically praised time period in wrestling history. A shame, because it’s a neat window into the personalities starting to bloom in the early brand split era. Thanks to the smaller rosters, it gave many guys a chance to either reinvent themselves or allow younger stars to develop a personality. Some of these didn’t work, but it’s nonetheless interesting watching the roster navigate the post-Attitude waters. Watching John Cena, who is deep into his rap gimmick, is a hoot, and Version 1 of Matt Hardy is arguably his best. I just dig the pacing in this one, although I feel like the only one who was devastated watching it live on pay-per-view when HBK was the first eliminated.

6. Royal Rumble 2007: For a match that was billed as “the most star-studded Royal Rumble ever,” I didn’t remember much about it outside of that final showdown. Fortunately, a recent rewatch shows it’s mostly held up. In comparison to many modern Rumbles, this one takes its time and lets the ring fill up with bodies. Of course, there are some flaws. We’re still in a time where we have to take The Great Khali seriously, so it’s a little deflating to see him clear the ring of 7 guys in quick succession. It’s kinda surprising it took them 20 years to finally have #30 win the match, but the finale makes it all worth it. It’s a credit to HBK and The Undertaker that a showdown between two veterans who’d already wrestled in a program with each other almost 10 years before can somehow still seem new, get the crowd to their feet, and work as a preview for their pair of WrestleMania matches. Who are these people again that say the magic in pro wrestling is dead?

5. Royal Rumble 2004: You don’t have to like this match. You don’t have to look past Chris Benoit’s crimes to appreciate “the workrate” or whatever smarky Benoit apologists will throw at you. You can just discard it and never watch it again, and that’s a totally fair thing to do. There’s still a solid chance, however, that the 2004 Rumble would rank highly regardless of who drew the #1 spot on that night. The spots are well thought-out and further storylines. I nearly shit myself when I heard The Undertaker’s gong for the first time in years, and even a little misty-eyed when Mick Foley confronts Randy Orton to show that, no, he’s indeed not a coward. That’s great professional wrestling, not how many German suplexes Benoit can plant on his opponents. I’ll even go on record and say this also one of the last times The Big Show actually looks like a credible threat. Again, it’s okay to not like this match because of the Benoit thing. I do feel a little uncomfortable ranking it so highly. But there’s a lot here that I’d want out of any Rumble and don’t get nearly as much as I’d like.

4. Royal Rumble 2001: The best Rumble of the Attitude Era works because it’s exactly what a Rumble from the era should be⏤unrelenting, extremely fast-paced, and hardcore weapons galore. It also marks Kane’s finest hour, the right kind of dominant performance that doesn’t feel forced in any way and actually makes you want to see him win the whole thing. The Drew Carey appearance is one of the most well-done celebrity cameos in WWE history because it doesn’t pretend to be more than what it is. It’s just average non-wrestler Carey stumbling into a chaotic wrestling world and it’s all the better for it. The other surprise entrants range from roster returns (Big Show) to nostalgic throwbacks (Honky Tonk Man) to random WTF nostalgic throwbacks (Haku???). Overall, you can really feel the confidence exuding from the WWF during this time. It does a lot of crazy shit within the hour without seeming desperate or pandering, which is the biggest compliment I can give it.  

3. Royal Rumble 1990: One of the more unfair criticisms of the early Rumble matches is that they don’t feature many memorable spots. However, back in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, just watching all 30 superstars clash in the ring was the draw and since that time period was the best when it comes to building characters, you can really feel the over-ness of the roster in the 1990 Rumble. Literally everyone here is a defined character. And, really, it’s that attention to detail that makes the showdown between Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior one of the most iconic moments in Rumble history. In an age where two big stars can clash on any given episode of Raw, it’s so easy to forget what it’s like watching two stars who’ve been kept so far away from each other that you could only imagine a showdown between them in your dreams. But then it happens and, as Tony Schiavone says, there is not a person sitting down. It really feels like we’re watching two gods clash in an epic confrontation that will inevitably lead to the entire city of Orlando crumbling into a heap of rubble. There’s also a great mini tag match between Jake Roberts/Roddy Piper and Randy Savage/Ted DiBiase early on. Like, that’s the upper mid-card in 1990. Holy shit.

2. Royal Rumble 2008: 2008 is a seriously underrated year for the WWE and its Rumble is one of the first signs they’d finally emerged from the darkness following the Benoit murders. A few obligatory quick eliminations aside, this one isn’t afraid to fill up the ring. It’s a good sign when I start to lose count and just sit back to watch the absolute bedlam unfolding before me. The atmosphere in MSG adds a lot to the match as well, and the Piper/Snuka confrontation is one of those goofy Rumble spots that also works as a great nod to the arena’s in-ring history. But while all of these details are nice, let’s address the real highlight of the match: John Cena’s surprise entrance at #30. How do I even describe it? Awesome? Infuriating? Shocking? The greatest troll job in WWE history? It’s one of those transcendent moments in Rumble history that takes on a different meaning depending on the day. There’s a lot to this Rumble where I can’t fully articulate why it works so well, but it plays like a celebration of the Rumble as a tradition and a reminder that, yes, good surprises in wrestling still exist.

1. Royal Rumble 1992: What fresh insight can I possibly add here? This is one of the few things in pop culture cited as “best ever” that deserves it. The story of Ric Flair triumphing against 29 other men who absolutely hate his guts is narratively perfect. The roster is a wonderful mix of bonafide legends and silly, colorful characters. I know Hogan’s antics in the match’s final moments gets heat, but the crowd’s pop for his elimination is such an early indication of changing tastes that I can’t even fault it that much. Of course, none of this excitement is possible without Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan guiding us along. That they manage to not only tell the story of the match, but also tell a story between each other is absolutely incredible. Heenan delivers the best color commentary performance ever that ranges from anxiety, panic, humor, and ultimately, jubilation. It features quite possibly my favorite Rumble moment of all-time, where Flair, having survived the previous 13 entrants, is met by his worst enemy and new IC champ, Roddy Piper. This truly is the best Rumble ever and I declare, with a tear in my eye, that I don’t think it will be beaten any time soon.

So there. I just ranked all 30 Royal Rumble matches. Now put that cigarette out.

[dalekofchaos]

One small change that could’ve improved TWDG seasons 2-4

I love AJ, I love Rebecca and I love Alvin. But I honestly think season 2, ANF and the Final season would’ve been better if instead of giving us completely new characters and a completely new baby, we should’ve gotten Christa and Omid’s baby instead and Clem taking care of him and guiding him. 

Here is how I could see this playing out

When Christa and Omid are talking about names, when Clem is given a choice about names, one option would be Lee Jr or LJ for short. Christa and Omid would be sad after hearing this but would love it

Omid doesn’t die(at least not yet) because I would not put them in a situation where Clem would allow some stranger to get ahold of her gun and be made to feel responsible for Omid’s death

I would replace the Cabin group with the 400 Days characters because I think it’s complete bullshit that Vince, Wyatt, Shel, Becca and Russell would ever trust someone like Carver and they just wasted them in cameo roles. When I first played 400 days I legit thought we got our new cast for the next season who Clem would work with in the next season, then they are never used but we are stuck with Bonnie. As for if we didn’t have the group join Tavia? Simple, Tavia’s people won’t take no for an answer and they are on the run regardless

Clem, Christa and Omid would be separated and Christa would be under the care with the 400 Days group. They are all suspicious of Clem when she arrives at their cabin, but when Christa tells them who she is, they let Clem go to Christa.

As for how they would be in this season. Vince takes the role of Luke/Carlos in the game. Russell and Becca are wary around Clem but come around, Wyatt is the chill older brother and Shel is the mom friend.

Episode 2, instead of meeting Carver, we meet Troy(as was teased) same situation but he says “my boss needs me to find them”

When we get to the ski lodge, instead of meeting Kenny, we would meet Omid. Happy reunion between Clem, Omid and Christa

Kenny would take the role of Carver. Now before ya’ll come at me with pitchforks and torches, Kenny was supposedly planned to be the antagonist character for the second season. Gavin Hammon revealed this during his OMG!Con 2015 Q&A Panel alongside Melissa Hutchinson. He said that Kenny was supposed to be the leader of the community Luke and the cabin survivors fled from, so Kenny would be in the Carver role. I think it could’ve worked. Losing his family, losing Lee and nearly dying to save Ben or Christa could’ve pushed him over the edge. 

Episode 3, you are tempted in choosing between your new friends or our old friend Kenny. But Clem realizes the Kenny she knew is long gone

Kenny blames Clem for everything. In Kenny’s POV, if Clem didn’t listen to The Stranger, Lee wouldn’t have gotten bitten, he wouldn’t have had to risk his life to try to save an already dying Ben or save Christa and they wouldn’t have lost the boat, they all would’ve gotten away. But due to Clem’s foolish childish desire to see her parents, everything fell apart. Again, this is Kenny’s perspective in this version

When the walkie-talkie plan goes down south, Vince is caught and as Clem prepares to turn herself in, Omid takes the blame is the one who is beat to a pulp

Seeing as Kenny has no attachment like Carver had for Rebecca, he does not catch them in the act(you’ll see why later) they are able to free themselves. Troy still gets shot in the dick by Jane

In place of Carlos, Shel is the one who gets shot and eaten. Becca runs

Episode 4. They all make it to the meet up spot. The deal to get ready for the baby happens as planned. Clem and Russell find Shel and Wyatt. While Becca was not sheltered like Sarah, she finds apart of herself died with Shel, but Clem is able to get her to snap out. I like to think Clem, Becca and Russell would begin to have a close friendship rather than Clem and Jane. In place of Arvo, it’s Eddie. Christa gives birth, but she dies. Before dying, Christa tells Clem to promise that she will take care of LJ no matter what, Clem promises. Near the end Eddie would bring back survivors from Kenny’s camp. Kenny has them surrounded. Bonnie tries to talk Kenny out of this and telling him they can all work together to survive. Kenny looks like he’s come to his senses, but raises the gun and shoots Bonnie.

Episode 5. Kenny is hunting everyone down. He wants to kill Clem and Omid and take the baby for himself. The last survivors are Clem, LJ, Becca and Russell. Omid sacrifices himself to save Clem. Clem shoots Kenny and for a brief moment, the old Kenny resurfaces and realizes the horrible things he’s done and apologizes. We would have a choice to forgive him, say Kenny will see Duck and Katja or to condemn Kenny

If I had my way ANF would be about Clem, LJ, Becca and Russell in Wellington, but let’s say it happens as per canon. Russell dies in the raid on Wellington. Becca stays in RIchmond and Clem goes on to find LJ

The Final season happens, but LJ knows about his parents Christa and Omid and Lee. Clem would always remind LJ that they’d all be proud of him.