#THIS is the type of stuff i actually complain about not fucking. hot weather i do that because you laugh... 🧍😔

[angryschnauzer]

I know a lot of people are awaiting an update on As Sweet As Honey, and numerous other stories i’ve said i will continue, but writing at the moment just isn’t happening for me.

Firstly i’ve been told i now have Long Covid. After the NHS telling me i 100% did not have in any way shape or form actual Covid back in January, they’ve since run tests and looked at the ongoing symptoms and side affects i’m still experiencing and have said that ‘maybe it was covid as you’ve now got all the symptoms of Long Covid’... Don’t get me started on their ineptitude of this, but the condition is long the lines of Chronic Fatigue syndrome or M.E, with a side of pneumonia.  Just living my day to day life is exhausting, and any down time i do have i’m asleep.

Unfortunately other aspects of life are also filling my time, firstly my Father In Law has been diagnosed with Dementia (most likely Alzheimer's) but my husband is an only child which means we are having to make the trip from London to Wales about every three weeks at the moment. Its a huge emotional drain on my husband and so i’m picking up a lot of duties we usually share (housework, childcare) and doing them solo so that he isn’t overwhelmed by what is a very rapid decline in his father’s condition. His mum is still living with his Dad in their old family home, but its likely we’ll have to arrange some residential care for FIL soon rather than just visiting carers and nurses.

To add to our stress, our next door neighbours who have been a thorn in our side for the last 13 months are back to their old behaviour; heavy drug use, fighting in the street, and just generally being a pain in the ass. None of our complaints to the owner of the property ever got dealt with properly, so this time we are having to raise a webchat with the police to get a report number, then complain in writing to the rental agency. The continued drug use has had a huge impact on my business as i can no longer have clients come to the house and visit my workshop for Wedding Decoration consultations as i could never guarantee they wouldn’t have to walk through a cloud of pot smoke or worry that their decorations would get to them stinking of it either. I had one client turn up last year as the neighbours were having a full on domestic abuse fight on the driveway we share with them, and understandably even though i explained what was happening, i lost those clients and a £500 job. Come the summer months the smoke means we have to have our windows shut and thus the temperature in our house rises, which in turn affects my 8 year olds Type 1 Diabetes as hot weather increases the rate that insulin is absorbed which means he needs to take more insulin.  I want to make it clear that i fully understand a lot of people use cannabis for medical use, and if people want to use it in their own homes to the point it doesn’t affect other people, go for it. BUT the stuff next door are smoking is not only incredibly potent, its laced with something else. To the point one day last summer i was having a nap on the sofa with the windows open in the middle of the day, and was woken up by smoke pouring in our windows from next door. I’d obviously inhaled some of it, and whatever was with it was making me hallucinate to the point i had to get another parent drive my son home from school as i couldn’t even stand let alone drive... and that’s from passive inhalation. So now whenever we even get the first whiff of drugs from them all our windows are closed. The only plus side is that the two teenagers that may or may not be siblings but are fucking haven’t been seen for weeks. I have no idea where they’ve gone but i also don’t care.

So yeah. That’s what’s keeping me from writing or even stringing a paragraph together. Fun times. Not.

[primalspice]

strange old bpd man (i cant look away like a car wreck)👕 2, 18, 19 📦 7, 13, 17, 🍽️ 11, 14 🌤️ 7, 10, 🤝4, 7, 17, 💓 15, 20, 🎲 6, 13, 18

thank u

👕2.) What would your character wear if they were told they had to gussy up?

I think he owns nice clothes (SHOCKING I KNOW). for special occasions of course. I think he will also really try to stretch what counts as 'formal'. But he can do it I prommy.

👕18.) Does your character have a favorite outfit?

No but if he had to choose itd probably be the nastiest one in his closet on accounts of Its Comfortable

👕19.) If your character had to get a tattoo what would it be?

I think he has some but i havent decided what/where they are. Strikes me as the type of guy to get like. hyperspecific pinup girls or like a really detailed back tattoo that no one is ever gonna see. Probably.

📦7.) Does your character ever spend more than they have?

Honestly besides college degrees, specialized "lab supplies", and the occasional Treat i dont think hes…..awful with money?? claims to live frugally so he can spend his (non)money on stuff he really cares about, is actually just bordering on being a hoarder and has a lot of confidence in his ability to pay off credit cards that hasnt failed him yet. loves the minimum-monthly-due-in-a-week Grind.

📦13.) What does your character most enjoy shopping for?

Aforementioned lab supplies. LOVES shiny new equipment that hes only gonna use once.

📦17.) What is most important to your character when shopping?

I think when he Is willing to shop for something he has an eye for the Strange And Unique. As well as quality. Somewhat bougie taste for a guy who is so…slobbish. Guy who owns a set of vintage uranium glass kitchenware but only eats off of paper plates and thrift store forks.

🍽️11.) Is your character food motivated?

NOT PRIMARILY BUT I DO THINK HE'D BE PAVLOV-ABLE INTO DOIN SOME SHIT FOR TREATS.

🍽️14.) Does your character prefer restaurant food or home cooked food?

Probably restaurant due to his aforementioned taste in unique and bougie but i think hes probably decent a home cooking?? bpd be damned my dad can work a grill.

🌤️7.) Does your character have a good sense of direction?

I think its pretty average. he can figure things out for himself usually but will navigate you in the most fucked up way possible and look at you like Youre the idiot. Kinda unrelated but i think hes a passenger princess he doesnt (cant??) drive all that often. thank god. keep him off the road.

🌤️14.) Does your character prefer hot or cold weather?

Hot but he'll complain about it either way. He's pretty much only lived in hot places besides for travel.

🤝4.) Is your character upfront about their feelings?

smiles yeah i guess (negative)

🤝7.) Who is your character most honest with?

i guess his Partner In Science since theyre forced to hang out most of the time and shes his bpd wrangler but I think hes kinda got stuff that hes kinda dishonest-by-omission with w different people. but IN GENERAL he's not particularly dishonest he'll tell it how it is even if its fucking mean or annoying. He'll blame the bluntness on being german or something.

🤝17.) How well does your character work with others?

smiles Poorly. thus why he no longer works in a big lab or academia or a side hustle or

💓15.) Does your character have a sleep routine?

Not particularly i think he just sleeps whenever he wants due to being #selfemployed. prone to nightowlism

💓20.) Is there a fear your character wants to learn to overcome?

probably but tbh idk his fears v good yet i need to disect him like a rat. his fear of khs properly tho, probably, is one. not sure why this is a trend with my ocs (warren stop using suicidality as a plot device challenge)

🎲6.) Does your character work better with creative or technical endeavors?

i think more often than not they're intertwined in his line of work but i'd say hes better at ideas (creative) than execution (technical). not bad at either tho. terrible how good this looks on paper and hes still the worst person youve ever met.

🎲13.) Has your character ever made something for themselves or someone else?

kinda vague question but of course. i think he has dabbled in plant and animal breeding/modification in his past (still thinks about it) so if you count those as Things then itd be primarily that along with other misc. projects for himself. Less questionably, i think he's also probably a guy that gives you like. a custom macrame or bracelet or shirt or whatever other gay hobby hes picked up for the week for your birthday.

🎲18.) What is a topic your character wouldn't want to talk about?

pretty much anything that hes not interested in <3 but specifically i don't think he'd want to talk about his personal life if HE wasnt the one to bring it up first bcz hes defensive and shitty. This includes the ethics of any of his work, his sperm donor babies, his mental illness, so on and so forth.

[krajtaz]

when my friends say i complain about everything but i only ever complain about my family and then everything else is for comedic purposes 😒 if it makes you laugh why are u mad

[devilstruly]

rush hour

tetsuro kuroo x fem! reader

summary: you and your best friend run into kuroo in a coffee shop

a/n: i know I've been posting so much about kuroo lately but he's just so amazing and i could think about him forever gwah

-------------------------------------------------------

'Took you long enough'

Your best friend looked up from his phone with bored eyes making you scoff in return.

'Be grateful I even came to get you asshole'

'Oh I'm honored'

His usual sarcasm was starting to annoy you just the tiniest bit and it hasn't even been five minutes.

'I haven't seen you in months can't you be nicer?'

'It's been two weeks'

'Same thing! Now give me a hug'

'No'

'Keiiiiii'

'Fine.'

You smiled when he rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around you begrudgingly. Tsukishima was never the touchy type - actually he was never any type to be honest. Sometimes you wonder how you ended up as friends in the first place.

'There we go that wasn't so bad'

'For you'

He pinched the bridge of his nose, pretending to be annoyed, but he knew you knew him better than that.

The two of you left the Tokyo train station on your way to your favorite coffee shop. Along the way you asked him about his team and listened to him complaining about Hinata and Kageyama, as always.

You occupied Tsukishima by talking about the stuff that happened to you in school while you two waited in line for your coffee. He was listening intently and was about to make a snarky comment but a voice behind him made his words die on his tongue.

'Hey Four-eyes! Is that you?'

You heard the man beside you groan quietly and you failed to stiffle a giggle before turning around. As soon as you did, you were greeted with the bright and cheery smile of no other than Kuroo Tetsuro. He looked like he was just jogging, hair slightly damp, loose shorts and tanktop and headphones hanging around his neck.

Damn he's hot

As soon as his eyes landed on you his smile turned into his signature smirk and he stood taller all of a sudden.

'Y/N. Hey there'

He had all of his attention on you and it even looked like he wasn't able to control his smile. And you couldn't help offering one of your own.

'Hi Tetsuro, how are you?'

'I'm great, just getting some coffee after a light workout. You?'

'Tsukki is visiting for the day so we're just catching up'

'Oh? Fun~'

'She's gonna suck the life out of me'

'There there you don't have much to begin with'

You patted the blonde's back with a innocent smile before turning your gaze back to Kuroo who seemed like he was- checking you out?

What? No. Was he...? No hell no snap out of it

Tsukishima rolled his eyes beside you but you were too focused on the man in front of you to notice anything besides him. Kuroo smirked yet again and looked right in your eyes making your face heat up as you quickly looked away.

'Nice jacket ~'

His statement did in fact snap you out of your thoughts, causing you to subconsciously touch the sleeves of the oversized piece of clothing before the realization hit you.

'Thanks it's.....yours'

The blush on your cheeks made itself known again as you shyly looked up at Kuroo who observed you with amusement dancing in his golden eyes.

'It is'

The weather app said it would be sunny in the morning. Sunny. So why the fuck were you soaking wet right now?

You woke up at 6:30am to get ready for school, too tired to hear the tapping of raindrops from the outside. Considering you didn't have an umbrella either, your morning started off with a sprint towards the Fukurodani academy in hopes of saving your clothes - spoiler: it didn't work.

Cursing under your breath, you attempted to put your damp hair out of the way as neatly as you could. You noticed Bokuto talking with Akaashi and Kuroo at the end of the hallway and your usual routine would require joining them.

'Morning'

'Hey hey hey good morning!'

'Does this look like a good morning to you? It's fucking cold'

You angrily gestured to the water dripping from your school uniform and groaned in frustration.

'Didn't check the weather?'

'I did! They fucking lied!'

You groaned yet again and hid your head in the shoulder Kuroo offered as he pat your back.

'There there it's gonna dry off'

'Yeah but-'

Stopping mid sentence, you looked at Kuroo while he gently draped his club jacket over your shoulders - so gently you forgot to breathe for a second. He smiled softly when the bell rang, giving you a wink before sprinting off.

'Give it back when you don't feel so cold anymore'

If it hadn't been for Tsukishima faking a cough and handing you your coffee, you would've absolutely forgotten what you were doing in the first place.

'Looks like it's my turn now'

Kuroo grinned once again and you were brought back to reality, hurrying to take off the jacket.

'Right! I should probably give this back now'

To your surprise though, what Kuroo did was take the sleeve that you already took off and put it back up to your shoulder. You stared at him questioningly before he leaned down for you to be his eye level.

'How about...you give it back to me, at my next game. When you come cheer for me?'

The bastard didn't even give you a chance to respond as he stepped towards the counter and ordered himself a cappuccino.

'Come on I don't have all day'

Tsukishima gently pushed you towards the exit of the coffee shop while you still struggled to process everything that has happened in the last five minutes.

Kuroo fucking Tetsuro...

[deepdonutkid]

Against all odds

Requested: No

Pair: Finn x female reader (best friends to lovers)

Summary: You and Finn have been friends forever and have practically been glued together, but you don’t know about his feelings and neither does he about yours. Your best friend has been waiting for the right sign and on a fateful night he decides any sign will do. He rushes to you, just do stand in front of your door.

Word count: 3,6k

Author’s note:

This is such a cliché, but I love it. It’s full of cheese stuff, so read it, but you have been warned.

Also, I tend to sprinkle sexy stuff in, so be prepared as well.

Maybe it’s not really canon compliant, but all the junior peaky boys are there. Fuck it, I love to include Bonnie and Isaiah.

Warnings: swear words, canon typical talk about women, smut, vaginal sex, fingering, handjobs, first time, virginity, loss of virginity,

The summer was right on his peak in Birmingham. It hasn’t had rained for days and the air was warm and heavy.

And even when the sun was long gone, it was still incredibly hot and sweaty in the Garrison that night. The junior peaky boys sat around their usual table, but their caps and jackets were gone. During the summer, they sat by the canal or in the park for hours, which meant even Finn was a little more tanned than usual.

Actually, neither of them had planned to go drinking on a fucking Tuesday, but they stayed for the cold beer and a little chat.

“The heat is killing me”, Michael moaned and took a big sip from his pint. Sweat was on his forehead, sparkling in the light of the pub.

Bonnie chuckled. “Like you would know… You’re sitting in a nice office with a fan all day and I’m melting in the boxing studio.” Of course, the Gold boy wasn’t trying to be mean, he was just taunting his arrogant friend a little and it wasn’t like Michael didn’t deserve it.

Finn and Isaiah could complain about the heat as well, but they didn’t. Tommy usually sent around town to collect money or what else, so they were already exhausted, with or without the horrible weather. Sometimes Finn thought, Tommy gave him all the delivery boy tasks, just to fuck him up, but then again, Finn knew he should be grateful, he didn’t have to do Arthur’s job.

“Well, I think the heat has one big perk”, Isaiah mentioned and was pointing discreetly at a group of girls standing at the bar: “They don’t dress so modest anymore.”

It was true. Not just the boys left most of their cloths at home and were sitting here in just a simple shirt and pants, no, the girls wore cute summer dresses too, which caught the interest of Isaiah and Michael right away. They were womanizers and could easily convince any women to join them for a private party.

Just Finn wasn’t the type of guy, who would treat women like this. He wasn’t in for only one night, but he thought about getting more experience. Then again… there was only one woman he would like to experience and you were his best friend. But even after thinking about this almost every day, he couldn’t figure out, if you liked him as well. He was looking for signs and there weren’t many. Sometimes you held his hand, when nobody was looking or you gave him a kiss on the cheek, when he was putting in so much effort to make you happy.

However, those weren’t actual evidence to proof, you could reciprocate his feelings and he was scared, if he told you, there was no going back. When he said, how much he loved you, he could never go back to just being friends with you and he needed you in his life. Every time, something happened, you were the first person Finn would go to. After his dad left, after his brothers got sent to war and after his mom died. You were there for him, when nobody else was and Finn couldn’t ruin this for his selfish reasons.

So, he chose to keep it to himself, unless there was proof, you were in love with him. Even though the burning desire was destroying him inside.

“Finn! Hey”, Isaiah yelled and grabbed his friend by the shoulders to bring him back to reality. “I said, should we try it?”

The Shelby looked around in confusion. He was in his own world for a second, when his friends approached him. He still thought about you, even though he told himself over and over again, he needed to stop.

“Should we walk over to the girls and try our luck?”

The question was easy, but coming up with an answer wasn’t. Finn drank from his pint to get a little more time to think about it. When he put his glass back on the table, he shook his head. “I don’t think so”, he said and wiped the sweat from his face.

His friends laughed about his answer. After all, he was the youngest and the most naïve from the group of men.

However, Isaiah was laughing the loudest. “What could you lose?”

“His virginity”, Michael joked and poked his cousin with his elbow.

Bonnie smiled and added: “Maybe he wants Y/N to be his first.” At least one of his friends seems to understand his problem.

What was even the point of sleeping with some girl, when he had no feelings for her? Then the whole night just meant nothing and probably destroyed the little change he might had with you.

A little sigh left Finn’s lips. “There is just no other than her”, he confessed: “I know, it possibly won’t work out, but I’m still not over her.”

Isaiah gave Michael a knowing look and rolled his eyes. “But what’s the point in waiting for somebody, who doesn’t seem to be interested? The best way to forget her is to move on.”

The harsh words of his friend stung in his heart. Finn didn’t want to forget you. Everything meant nothing, if you would be missing in his life. But he didn’t say anything, he knew it would only make things worse.

“Didn’t she said, she think of you as a brother?”, Michael added, taking a drag from his cigarette.

Sadly, Finn nodded. He couldn’t deny that. His head banged on the table and Finn slouched his shoulder. “We will never be together, right?”

To put the goddamn cherry on top, all his friends mumbled in agreement. “I think, it’s more likely that it starts to rain today, than you would end up together… and we are in the middle of a drought”, Bonnie speculated, with his unholy amount of Romani wisdom. Yes, the odds were against his favor.

Another time his forehead hit on the wood. Finn whispered to himself: “I’m so fucking stupid”

Bonnie and Isaiah dragged him back up and Michael waved with his hand for the barmaid to come.

“Get us something strong! Our mate needs it”, Michael told her and turned around to his cousin: “We’re going to drink until you forget, eh?”

And they did. They fucking did.

Nobody could walk a straight line, when they got out of the Garrison hours later. It was close to sunrise again, when they parted ways to go home.

Finn was all by himself and even though he was laughing just twenty minutes ago, now he couldn’t stop pitying himself. He shouldn’t feel like this and the shame was eating him up. Why had life to be so fucking complicated? Didn’t he reserve a little bit of happiness after everything, that happened to him?

Tears were running down his face and he had to stop, to calm down again. Hopeless and frustrated, he looked up to the sky. It was still dark and Finn was glad for the cold wind which blew all the sudden. Then he felt something wet hitting his forehead. In contrast to his hot tears filled with desire, the drop was cold.

And then another drop appeared.

It started raining, as if the sky was crying with him or tried to console him, but then he remembered Bonnie’s words and started running.

His house was in the opposite direction, but he had another destination in mind. Since his friend told him, how bad his chances were, he couldn’t stop thinking about this. However, now everything was different, because Bonnie had been proven wrong by the universe. It started raining in the middle of a dry period.

This had to be his sigh. The one thing, he had been waiting for and he couldn’t wait any longer. Right now, he felt the need to tell you how he felt, maybe it was just because he was drunk, but maybe it was just the right timing for once.

So, he ran as fast as his legs could take him. He was well-trained, but this might be his best time so far.

Anyways, all the energy came in such a rush, but when he arrived at your door, he didn’t know what do to. Finn wanted to say so many things to you, but then he noticed two things. First, it was in the middle of the night, everybody was asleep. Secondly, he didn’t know, how and if he should try to wake you up. But he had to do it, regardless of the collateral damage, because the sky was telling him to.

A little clueless, he looked around and gathers stones and pebbles to threw at your window and it wasn’t really easy, because he was still drunk and he ran way too fast and he was about to puke, but then you wouldn’t kiss him.

Throwing wasn’t his strong suit too, so it took a while until he hit your window in the second story. Then he had to repeat it a couple of times to get your attention.

His face was gleaming, when you appeared behind the glass. Finn loved, when you were sleepy, because you always looked a little confused.

“Finn?”, you asked as quietly as possible, because you didn’t want your parents to wake up too. They wouldn’t be too happy, seeing you with a guy in the middle of the night.

But it didn’t stop Finn from yelling: “I’m here! I’m finally here and I got something to say to you.”

It was still coming down in buckets and poor Finn was completely soaked and his cheeks were deep red.

“What are you doing here? It’s four in the morning.”

“I ran here from the Garrison, because the universe gave me a sign.”, he explained.

You were still sleepy and kept blinking. Yawning, you leaned out of the window: “Are you drunk, eh? This is such an idiotic idea… You’re going to get a cold, Finn. Please go home.”

He shook his head, so the raindrops swirled around. “No, I can’t! I have to tell you something.” His voice was croaky, but he seemed to be serious about it.

You- on the other hand- were pretty clueless about the whole situation. Neither did you knew about the conversation between the boys nor did you have a presentiment about what he was going to tell you.

“Can you tell me the thing tomorrow? It’s really late and I don’t want my parents to wake up… and you are going to get ill, if you don’t get into something dry.”

Finn twirled around in the rain. “No, it’s beautiful outside and it’s raining just for us. You should come down too!”

Again, you shook your head over the stupidity of your best friend. Years ago, you would always drag him outside, in the warm summer rain. “It’s storming outside and I don’t want to get wet.”

“No, please come down!”, he insisted and because of his big eyes, you couldn’t resist him.

With a sigh, you closed your window and put on some slippers. Then you walked downstairs as quietly as possible. It was a fucking wonder, how your family still could be asleep after all the noise Finn made.

You opened the door and Finn was waiting on the other side. Of course, you had already expected that, but you hadn’t thought he would drag you into the pouring rain and pull you in for a hug. Withing seconds your cloths were soaked as well.

It was warm and damp outside, but you shivered under his touch.

“Now tell me, what you wanted to tell, so I can go upstairs again”, you moaned and rubbed your eyes.

He cupped your face with his hands and suddenly he wasn’t so giddy, but he became soft.

Dead in your tracks, you stopped doing everything and looked into his eyes. For a second you forgot how to breathe. Being so close to him always messed with your mind.

“I love you, Y/N”, Finn confessed and kept piercing you with his gaze. Gently, his thumb caressed your lips, waiting for you to release him from the sweet torture of this moment. Right now, he was risking everything for the small chance of a kiss.

But everything coming from your lips, would destroy his hopes again. “Since when?”, you asked in confusion.

His heart was racing, his chest was very pounding. “Since ever! I love you and I always have. You are my best friend and the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. How could I not love you? We are meant to be and…” All the things, he kept to himself for so long, came rushing to the surface. Once the seal was broken, there was no going back. He had opened the box of Pandorra.

“You do?”

“Fucking yes, I do and I won’t take it back. I only want you and nobody else.”

You blinked twice and thought about it. It seemed weird to hear all the things you longed to hear from him so long ago. He was your prince charming and now he confessed, but the realization hadn’t hit you, until you felt his hands grabbing you tightly.

A sweet moan left your lips. You were melting underneath his fingertips.

“What’s your answer?”, he asked you in return and then you noticed, you had to say something too, but with his hot breath on your skin it was impossible for you to speak.

So, you did the only thing, you were able to and leaned in, diminishing the last few centimeters of distance between your lips.

There was something sweet and tender about your first kiss with Finn Shelby, but it once you started, he couldn’t get enough and he was needy for your love. Your lips had only parted for second, when he came back for another one, but this kiss was longing and passionate and filled with desire.

You felt it too and let your fingers run through his hair. Wet drops were falling from his face onto yours and for a while you forgot everything around you two.

The only thing you longed more than him, was the urge to breath again and heavily panting you admitted: “I love you too and I felt the same way and you are the most wonderful person I have ever meet and I want to be with you now and forever.”

Slowly, he was guiding you to the next wall, so you could lean against it, while he was exploring your body. Usually, your nosy neighbors would be all around, but since it was so late, nobody was on the street. A part of you was still afraid to get caught, while being entangled to the Shelby.

“Let’s go upstairs”, you begged, your lips brushed against his, while you pulled him closer by the collar of his shirt.

Nodding like crazy he followed you to the door and both of you sneaked to your room. Despite your worries you didn’t have to tell him again to be quiet. Now with the prospect of sex, he was hand-tame.

But once the door was closed, he was wild again. Finn was peeling you out of your wet sleeping gown.

Completely naked you were standing in front of him. It was somehow embarrassing, no matter how much you wanted this to happen. After being friend for so long, it was awkward to see him staring at the curves of your body.

Finn chuckled, while unbuckling his belt. The luck was his tonight. He stumbled out his pants and stripped away his wet shirt. “Fuck, you are so beautiful”, he groaned and his hand was hovering over his erection.

It was the first time for both of you, but somehow the things about to happen, felt natural to both of you.

Kissing and intertwined, you were guiding him to your bed. After being out in the rain, it was great to feel the warmth of his body on yours.

Being touched like this was everything, you had wanted for a while now, but if somebody told you, you were about to fuck your best friend, you would have called the person nuts.

Now Finn was on top of you, gently stroking your body and playing with your nipples. “They are so hard”, he laughed, before he licked on it. His breath brushed against your sensitive spot.

“It was cold outside”, you said to your defense: “And of course, they get hard, if you suck on them.”

His eyes were shining and suspicious. Clearly, he had something on his mind and he didn’t want too long to proceed with his idea. Finn grinned, before leaning over your breasts and clinging his lips to you body.

Like always, he did the one thing, you told him not do to and left bitemarks and love bites all over your body.

When his art was on his peak, he went up on his knees to admire his deeds and the proof on your skin. His fingers were running up and down. “Just like I imagined”

His words reminded you once again, how both of you wanted this, but everything was so complicated. Now it seemed so easy. Lying under him, becoming his was ridiculously simple.

“I hope you have more like this on your mind, because I’m not done with you yet”, you whispered and grabbed his dick.

Finn sharply inhaled and a smirk appeared on his lips. He was quite pleased how things were going so far. His cock was twitching in your hand, longing for more than a squeeze.

You were willing to fulfill his wish, so your hand started rubbing his erection. Smiling, you listened to his moans.

He was near the edge, when you teased him: “You’re not coming yet, aren’t you?”

Quite embarrassed and with gleaming red cheeks, he shook his head, but also pulled your hand away. It was too much for him right now and he wanted more of you.

And just like that, he spread your legs open and positioned himself before your entrance. With a devilish grin on his face, he rubbed his dick your center.

Sweet moans left your mouth, which were driving him even more crazy. He was craving more than this teasing and so he entered. To his surprise, it felt even better, than he had imagined. Tight, wet and warm was your embrace and he loved every minute of it.

But it was going so fast. His movements were getting stronger over time and since Finn was very needy at this point, he didn’t last long. However, your first time was wonderful and you were glad, you did it.

“I swear next time, I make you cum”, he promised you, while falling into the sheets next to you.

You rolled over and looked at him. He didn’t know much about women and you wouldn’t hold it against him, but you had to explain it or he would be clueless all the time. “You still can”, you explained with a dark twinkle in your eyes: “You could use your fingers or your mouth.”

Finn was confused for a second, before coming to terms with this new information. “But you have to tell me, if I’m doing it right.”

“Promise”, you snickered and laid on your back again.

His hands were wandering down and he was eyeing you the whole time. Finn was watching every of your movements, probably afraid to do something wrong.

But to be honest, he was doing great. The feeling was almost as good as with his dick.

Your moans were encouraging him and soon he was kissing your again. You grabbed him by his neck and whispered in his ear: “Put them in, bring me over the edge.”

He couldn’t believe his luck and he would be helpless without you. Finn was absolutely ready to do everything, you wished for and your commanding voice was the sexiest thing about you. It made him want to shiver and obey.

After all, he just wanted to make you happy and the sensation of your cream-pie pussy was exciting for him as well. It was like, he could explore you once again and the thought he had filled you up like this was like a dream coming true.

You were amazed how fast he was making you cum, just with his hands. The feeling came rolling over you and you had to press your lips together, to not start screaming. When you got caught, the chances for a second time this morning were slim to none.

However, Finn didn’t got the sign and asked: “Is it good?”

You had to gather all your mental strength to nod. Your body was somewhere else. On cloud seven maybe. And it was especially mean, that he kept moving his fingers inside you, making your orgasm longer and longer.

When it was over, you looked at him with sleepy eyes. Finn was still hesitating about pulling them out, so you did it for him and licked the cum of his fingers.

The Shelby was quite surprised to see you behaving naughty like this, but it was also so incredibly hot. No wonder his erection was back again.

“We taste good together”, you joked, once you were done.

He pulled you in for another kiss and agreed: “Yes, this is delicious.”

Still naked, you covered him and your body with your blanket and rushed to him. After all this trouble, you still wanted to sleep for a bit and Finn was tired as well. The second round could wait until later. Everything was perfect now and neither of you wanted to mess with it. Instead, you were listening to his heartbeat, while entering the dream land again. But your deepest desire had just come true.

Tagging: @bonniesgoldengirl @justalonelyslytherin @theshelbyclan

[fandomn00blr]

OC Questionnaire

@cleverblackcat tagged me into this one a few days ago, and I started filling it out for Delilah Howe (not an OC...an adopted NPC!) and I am still working on it for her. But then @funkypoacher tagged me, and gave me specific permission to do it for *my* versions of Carver or Stroud...lol...

So anyway, here’s Stroud, everyone’s Warden Dad(...dy...? jk jk...unless?)

THE BASICS

Character’s name: Jean-Marc Stroud

Role in story: He’s your dad now...unless you’re Loghain and then he’s your infuriating boyfriend/husband whom you are absolutely smitten with...also, Warden-Commander of the Eastern Wardens after Dragon Age Awakening

Physical description: I feel a bit guilty constantly objectifying this poor man and his mustache, but he is just...*chef’s kiss* (Loghain’s POV, but also mine):

Stroud’s quite fit for a man his age, an unmistakably sturdy V-shaped torso atop well-muscled legs, with broad shoulders and strong, defined arms. He’s never quite realized just how chiseled and square his jaw is, either. And as his eyes rove over his face, he tries not to stare too longingly at his lips, which he’s already been acquainted with, though it feels like it’s been ages since that cave-in, and he certainly wouldn’t mind getting re-acquainted. With any part of him, really.

(LOGHAIN! STOP BEING SO HORNY FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND, YOU GRUMPY OLD BASTARD!)

MBTI/Enneagram Personality Type: IDK

INTERNAL LIFE

What is their greatest fear? Probably disappointing anyone who is depending on him for safety/protection/reassurance

Inner motivation: Is ‘just wants everyone to feel safe’ an inner motivation? No. Shoot. STROUD WHAT MOTIVATES YOU?! Oh, I know...the fact that he lost everyone and everything he cared about to the Game and instead of going on a fucking rampage, he internalized it and joined the Wardens so that their deaths wouldn’t have been a total waste. What’s that called?

Kryptonite: If one of his Warden ‘kids’ is hurting, it hurts him...doubly so if he can’t do anything about it.

What is their misbelief about the world? Ok, so this is a tough one. Dude has been through all of it, and still believes in the power of kindness and duty and compassion, but not in a naive way. He chooses it, right? So I wouldn’t call it a misbelief, but he genuinely believes everyone is capable of choosing good, or trying to do better, or whatever. Shut up. I’m not crying, I swear.

Lesson they need to learn: You can’t save ‘em all (he still has regrets about what happened with Anders and Justice).

What is the best thing in their life? His little Eastern Warden family...Vigil’s Keep comes to feel like home to him.

What is the worst thing in their life? The thought of ever having to deal with Orlesian politics again...which is why he’s so grumpy in Inquisition.

What do they most often look down on people for? He has very little patience for people who manipulate others for their own personal gain.

What makes his/her/their heart feel alive? Seeing his Wardens thrive/come into their own/embrace duty/grow/find love...I SAID I WASN’T CRYING!

What makes them feel loved, and who was the last person to make them feel that way? Stroud doesn’t need a lot of personal reassurance to know that people care about him and that he serves a purpose...but if someone goes out of their way to do something just for him, he absolutely falls apart. Loghain making an Orlesian-inspired dish for his birthday was the last thing I wrote of this variety, but I imagine that Loghain does a lot of stuff like that just to see Stroud’s cheerful stoicism obliterated...and also because he loves him.

Top three things they value most in life? Helping others/compassion, his found family, and his duty as a Warden (but not in, like, a stupid way...)

EXTERNAL LIFE

Is there an object they can’t bear to part with? He keeps a portrait of his family tucked away among his things...the only item he brought with him from his former life when Clarel recruited him to the Wardens.

Describe a typical outfit from top to bottom. Heavy silverite Warden armor while out on missions, over a dark blue quilted tunic with a silver embroidered griffon and leggings (?). All very official. Off-duty, he wears simple undyed cotton or wool tunics (they’re probably fitted well) and woolen breeches (also fitted...um...well...*fans self*). It’s hot. <- Loghain, again?! Yeesh...

What is their method of manipulation? He’s not big on manipulation (see above), but he knows how to get what he wants from Loghain by wiggling his mustache and just...staring at him...all twinkly-eyed. Maybe chuckling good-naturedly if he wants to bring out the big guns.

Describe their daily routine. (Whoops...I missed this one, I guess!) Wake up early. Breakfast and paperwork in his office. Meetings, etc later in the morning. Then lunch with Loghain somewhere outside, weather permitting. Meetings/more paperwork/drills and training in the afternoon. Dinner with everyone in the dining hall at the end of the day. Quiet evenings. Then bed!

Their go-to cure for a bad day? Feet up in front of a fire...some tea? Maybe with a bit of whiskey in it. And something sweet to munch on like cookies. Bonus if Loghain is there with his little shawl, reading or complaining to him, preferably both...

GOALS

How are they dissatisfied with their life? He still harbors a lot of anger and resentment toward the Game (I mean...), but he’s actually pretty satisfied with his life as a Warden.

What would bring them true happiness or contentment? This is the most selfless thing ever, but he would love to see Loghain and Anora reconciled.

What definitive step could they take to turn their dream into a reality? He would never, but he totally could invite Anora to dinner at Vigil’s Keep or something and pretend it was Loghain’s idea...lol. OMG...AU where Stroud is the meddling spouse...!!!

How has their fear kept them from taking this action already? Not so much fear as it is just respect for personal boundaries or whatever...

How do they feel they can accomplish their goal while still steering clear of the thing they are afraid of? He hopes Loghain will eventually reach out to his daughter himself, or Anora will force her way back into her father’s life. During Inquisition, Loghain and Alistair (who is King and married to Anora in this world state) have a bit of a scuffle, then manage to get over their shit (sort of), so Stroud has some hope that they’ll all figure it out eventually. He just won’t be there to see it cuz he stays in the Fade, the self-sacrificing bastard.

[lost-in-the-80s]

I’ve Never Seen You Here

Pairing: Axl Rose x Reader

Words: 2,889k

Summary: It's no secret that you and Axl desire each other, but what would happen if you met at a club? (smut)

A/N: This is my first smut, so sorry if it's shitty. 

Warnings: Mature content, swearing, and unprotected sex. (Use a condom, guys!) 

Tag list: @roger-taylors-car​ @ladieswttda​ add yourself to my tag list

It was a little past four on a Tuesday afternoon, you were behind the counter, with your back against it, fanning yourself with one of the menus, trying to get some relief from the hot summer weather in Los Angeles.

Your friend, Braeden stood in front of you, drying some glasses that had just been washed by you. 

The bell on the entry door ranged, announcing new customers at the cafe. 

You didn't mind looking who it was, you weren't really in the mood to deal with people now. You were just about to ask Braeden to take their orders when she spoke up.

"Your ginger is here" a smirk appearing on her lips. 

You turned around just in time to see him passing through the door. He nodded in your direction in a greeting way. It was your turn to smirk.

Forgetting completely about your previous annoyance, you stretched your pink 60s inspired dress and picked your small notepad, walking towards his table. 

He was there with his friends, all of them talking loudly about something that had happened on their way to the cafe. 

He looked so cool with his leather jacket and bandana. Smoking hot, you would dare to say. 

"Welcome to Flar's Cafe, what can I get you?" 

You started writing down their orders as the skinny brunette started telling you, but you couldn't not see the way the ginger looked you up and down. 

"Alright, I'll be right back."

Turning around, you walked back to the counter, feeling his gaze burn your back. 

Once you got their food you went back to the table, placing everything on it. 

"Anything else you might want?" You asked with a smile.

"That's all for today, sweetheart." The ginger answered with a grin. 

It was always like this. They started coming to the cafe a few months ago, every time the ginger would call you a nickname or smirk at you. You would smirk back, or ask what they wanted, looking right into his eyes, just for the pleasure to see the lust that spackled on them. 

The sexual tension between the two of you was so thick you could almost cut it with a knife. 

Sometimes you wanted to bluntly ask for his number, or write yours and hand it to him, but you never got the guts, since all his friends were around. 

You moved back to work, attending other tables, making coffee, cleaning the counter, but at every chance you got, you would look in his direction and sure enough, he would be looking at you. 

"You're gonna keep this mouse and cat game 'till when?" Braeden spoke up, making you jump startled. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Why don't you just ask him for his number?" 

"Because first: I'm working, that's not professional at all. Second: his friends are there, what if he says no and all of them start laughing at me?" 

"You're just overthinking it!" She said rolling her eyes. "If work is the problem, why don't you meet him somewhere else?" 

"As if it was easy to find him in the middle of L.A."

"I actually might know where he's gonna be on Friday…." She said with a smirk, leaning against the counter and raising her brows.

"Where!!??" You almost yelled with excitement, making some customers look in your direction. "Where?" You repeated in a much lower tone now.

"I-"

Before she could tell you, his friend with black fuzzy hair appeared behind the counter and interrupted her.

"25, right?" He asked, handing you their order form. 

You got the paper from between his fingers and looked at the numbers fastly, making the count. 

"Yes, 25." You said, putting the order form on the pile of the finished orders.

He handed you 30 bucks, telling you to keep the change. 

You thanked him and watched as they walked away.

"Where, Braeden?"

She laughed a little. "When I passed near their table before, they were talking about going to this club on Friday." 

"A club." You said thinking. "Do you think I should go?"

"Of course!" 

"Come with me!" 

"Hm, I don't know. I had plans for Friday." She looked at her nails.

You knew she was just waiting for you to beg her, she had nothing to do on Friday.

"Pleasee!! I'll let you choose my outfit!" You said hugging her from the side and making puppy eyes.

"Ok then." She said with a proud smile.

----

The week passed by quickly, it was Friday now, you were at Braeden's place getting ready for the club. 

She convinced you to curl your hair while she teased hers. You applied some natural makeup, while Braeden chose a red lipstick with a sparkling eyeshadow.  It wasn't a surprise though, Braeden has always been the "Go big or go home" type of girl. 

You two sang some Aerosmith song that played in the background, while you put on the final touches on your makeup. 

"Hold on, I'm gonna get the dresses." She said before running to her bedroom. 

She reappeared a few seconds later, holding a tight lime green dress and a tight black dress with some tule details. 

"This one is yours!" She said, handing you the black one. 

You matched your dress with some black high heels you had brought and she matched hers with a nude pair.

You two took a second to look at each other through the mirror. "We look fucking hot!" You said grinning.

"Hell yeah!" She said, high fiving you.

You two exited the apartment and walked for a good 15 minutes before you could hear the blasting music coming from the club, a huge line of people in front of it.

"Shit! Look at that line!" Braeden said, pointing with exasperation.

"Calm down, I'm gonna put us in."

Walking on the sidewalk, you stopped in front of a bald man at the door, with a clipboard in hands.

"Hi! Y/N Y/L/N" You said with a smile, trying to make your voice come out as smoothly as possible. 

He looked at the papers and then looked back "Sorry, not on the list." 

"What do you mean not on the list?" You said raising your voice. "I can't believe Matt forgot to put me on the list!" 

You looked back at Braeden "Do you believe it? Two years together and he fucking forgets to put me on the list!"

You moved on, complaining about how Matt had forgotten to put you on the list, even though there was no Matt at all.

The man at the door started to look worried about the attention you were calling. He got the clipboard fastly and then looked up. "Matthew Anderson, right?  I found him, you can come in!" He said, relief filling his voice. 

"Yeah! That's him! Thank you, dude!" You said touching slightly his shoulder, in a way to thank him, before walking inside the club.

Red neon lights filled the room, and a Motlëy Crüe song got to your ears. 

"Remind me to never go to a club without you." Braeden said laughing a little about your scene.

You laughed along and pointed to the bar. "Let's get something to drink." You shouted so that she could hear.

You both squeezed yourselves among the people dancing until you got to the bar, asking for two tequila shots. 

The barman put the drinks on the counter and you drank before putting the glasses down with a loud sound.

"Woah! I know you two!" You heard a man saying from beside Braeden. It was the tall blonde, one of the ginger's friends.

"Hi!" Braeden said smiling. 

"Are you girls having fun?" He asked with enthusiasm. 

"We just got here!" She shouted. 

"Wanna sit with us? We got a table." He shouted back. 

You two exchanged looks before nodding in his direction. 

He got five beers from the counter before telling you to follow him.

"Look who I found at the bar!" He said, catching the attention from the other men,  putting the beers on the table. "Girls, I'm Duff, these are Axl, Steven, Izzy and Slash." He said pointing to each one of them. 

So his name is Axl huh? You thought to yourself. 

Axl and Slash sat at the edges of the booth, while the other two took the back part. 

"I'm Braeden and this is Y/N!"

They greeted you two loudly and then asked you girls to take a seat. Watching as Axl and Slash opened up some space for you to sit. You sat beside Axl while Braeden and Duff sat beside Slash. 

Duff started some conversation with Braeden, which she gladly got involved with. You were paying attention to them when you heard someone whispering in your ear.

"I've never seen you here." It was Axl.

"It's my first time here, to be honest." 

He nodded. "It's nice seeing you without that pink dress." He said looking you up and down. 

You smirked in his direction, taking his beer bottle for a sip when he offered you. 

After a good 20 minutes, Duff came back with vodka shots, which made you all engage in conversation easier, talking about music and other stuff. 

After a while, Axl put his arm around your shoulder, looking at you, to see if you would ask him not to do it. But after seeing your smile, he knew it was okay. 

Another 30 minutes passed by, and another three shots of vodka with it. Def Leppard started playing and you and Braeden decided to go dance. 

You moved your body with the beat, swaying your hips and singing out loud. Your body started to get hot, and you looked at the table seeing Axl's predator gaze in your direction, making your core start heating too. 

Another song started playing, and that's when you saw the guys approaching you. You all started dancing together as good friends, but after a few minutes, you found yourself dancing suggestively around Axl, loving the way his eyes watched your hips. 

You decided to make a move and turned around, pressing yourself on him while still dancing, rubbing yourself against his body. His hands found your hips as you two swayed to the song together. 

After some minutes you started to feel a bulge forming in his pants, making a smirk crept your lips. That's when his hands moved to your waist and he turned you around, making you face him.

Your hands found the back of his neck and his hands went down to grab your butt. He leaned down and kissed you hungrily, making you moan slightly during the kiss. 

When you parted ways to catch your breath, you bit his bottom lip, seeing his eyes get dark with desire. 

He leaned down, near your ear and whispered. "You better stop doing this, doll, or you're gonna end up taking it to a new level." 

His voice was husky with desire, making you even wetter. 

"What if I want to take it to the new level?" You raised one of your brows. 

He smirked at you, kissing you again. 

"Bathroom?" He asked, still smirking. 

"Bathroom!" You confirmed. 

He grabbed your hand and started to lead you towards the bathroom, opening the door for you to enter first, before attacking your lips again. 

You two moved towards one of the bathroom booths while still kissing, closing the door and looking for the lock on it, in between hair tugs and muffled moans. 

Once the door was locked he pushed you against it, allowing you a few seconds of breath before his lips found yours again. 

His hands went to the back part of your thighs, telling you to jump, which you gladly did, wrapping your legs around his waist as his hands found your butt again, this time to support you. 

His mouth traveled from your lips to your jaw, before finally stopping at your neck. He started giving you sloppy kisses there, while he played with one of your boobs through your dress fabric. 

His fingers found your nipple, squeezing it slightly, making a quiet moan escape your lips. 

The sound made his member pulse inside his pants, making him bite your neck with voracity. You were sure there would be a mark there tomorrow. 

You moved one of your hands to his bulge, palming him through his pants, making a muffled moan escape his lips. 

You saw that as an incentive to slide your hand inside his leather pants. You palmed him gently, moving your hand up and down his length slowly. 

He groaned before kissing your lips again. One of his hands finding your waist and tugging at it with force.

You pulled apart to breathe and his hand found your core, his fingers touched you through your panties and he smirked, feeling your wetness.

He put your panties to the side, and his index finger traveled between your folds, getting wet with your liquids before entering you slowly. 

You moaned again, giving him the approval he needed to slide another finger inside of you. 

"So wet already, baby." The nickname made you moan one more time, as you closed your eyes and enjoyed the feeling.

You got so caught in the moment, that you had to take your hand out of his pants to put it on his shoulder for support, not sure if you could trust your legs anymore. 

He removed his fingers from you, making you whine at the loss of sensation. His fingers traveled up to his lips, where he sucked them looking at your eyes. 

His green eyes were almost brown now, and his pupils were dilated with lust. He kissed you one more time, letting you taste yourself on his tongue.

He pushed your dress up to your waist and unbolted his pants, moving his hands up and down his length a few times.

"Are you sure?" He asked, gaze burning your eyes.

"Yes!" You said kissing him again.

That's when you felt his member collecting some of your juices before sliding slowly inside of you, making you moan slightly. 

He waited for a while, for you to get adjusted, before he started to thrust at a slow pace in and out of you. 

You both moaned and your hands found his hair, pulling it. He used one of his hands to support you and the other he put on the door behind you, to help him get some stability to thrust harder inside of you.

And that's exactly what he did, his once calm thrusts became fast and hard and you were sure anyone in the bathroom would be able to hear your bodies colliding against each other.

He straightened up a little, which gave him a whole new angle that hit your sweet spot instantly, making you let go of a loud moan. 

"Yes! Right there" you said between moans, as he promptly obeyed. Hitting your core ever harder. 

After a few minutes you both were moaning loud enough to fill the whole bathroom, your bodies were sweating and his thrusts were becoming sloppier.

The constant hit against your sweet spot made your walls start to clench around him, making him groan huskily. 

"Oh my god! I'm gonna cum!" You announced, feeling the pleasure take control of your body. Your eyes closed and your head fell back, hitting the door, while a series of moans and incoherent words left your mouth. 

"Yes, baby, cum for me!" Axl said, using his thumb to circle your clit, making you moan even louder. "Come on, doll, cum for me!"

His thrusts became faster and you felt a wave of pure pleasure take over your body as you hit your climax, moaning his name. 

He thrust inside of you a couple more times before he came too, biting on your shoulder to muffle his loud groan. Shots of his cum filling you, while you moaned with the sensibility of your core after your orgasm. 

He held you for a few more seconds before he placed you gently on the floor, your hands still on his shoulders, to make sure you weren't gonna fall. 

"Fuck" you said, adjusting your hair. 

"Yeah, fuck!" He said, laughing a little, while he adjusted his pants again. 

You two opened the door, glad to see that there wasn't anyone else in the bathroom. 

You moved towards the sink, looking at your reflection in the mirror. Your hair was a mess, your makeup all smudged, your neck full of red marks that you were sure would become bruises soon. You quickly fixed your dress and your hair, trying to fix your makeup in the best way you could, while he fixed his hair too. 

"So…" He cleared his throat. "Will I see you again?... Out of the cafe, I mean." 

You smiled at him a little, before looking for a pen in your purse. "Maybe…" you smiled suggestively now. "Why don't you call me someday and we find out?" 

You grabbed his hand, writing down your number on it. 

"You can be sure I'll call you, princess." He said, smirking.

"Are you ready?" 

You nodded and so the two of you left the bathroom and went back to your previous table, laughing at the shouts and whistling coming from your friends. 

[ilovefandoms102]

Part 5- Shape of My Heart

Pairing: Rudy Pankow x Plus Size Reader

Summary: Falling in love with someone you can never have is the worst feeling in the world...

Taglist:

@jeyramarie​​ @drewswannabegirl​​ @teamnick​​ @jiaraendgame​​ @agirlwholovescoffee​​ @outerbongs​​ @jaxxandcomet​​ @velyssaraptor​​ @baby-pogue​​ @they-write-once-in-a-blue-moon​​ @must-be-a-weasley-92​​ @kaitieskidmore1​​ @ma10427​​ @ifilwtmfc​​ @lasnaro​​ @justcallmesams​​ @judayyyw​​ @lonely-kermit​​ @gviosca​​ @iamaunicorn4704​​ @jellyfishbeansontoast​​ @fernweh-fangirl​​ @runway-to-my-aid​​ @eb15​​ @hurricane-abigail​​ @tangledinsparkles​​ @fandom-phaser​​ @sunwardsss​​ @http-cherries​​ @bibliophilewednesday​​ @evaporatedrosepetals​​ @thetomatosaucee​​ @tomatosauceagent​​ @redosmo​​ @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch​​

Part 4 Part 6

Note: School is starting for me which means I more than likely won’t get to update as often, but I am still going to try! I hope you guys enjoy and let me know what you think!

================================

Rudy was wrapped around me like a koala bear, soft snores falling from his lips. The sun was shining through the curtains, a perfect day to go swimming. Luckily since I had met them all at the beach, they had already seen me in a bathing suit. I tried to extract myself from my current position, but Rudy’s hold tightened on me the more I moved. I huffed, debating on just waking him up. I tried one more time, a groan sounding from the man next to me. 

“Stop moving,” he whined, his deep morning voice sending chills all over me. 

“It’s prime tanning time Ru, let me up.” I chuckled.

“I’m comfy,” he mumbled, cuddling further into me. 

“We have plenty of days to be lazy, come on.” I encouraged, patting his shoulder.

He huffed dramatically, flipping off of me. I jumped up, filing through my stuff to get my bikini. I jumped when I turned around, not expecting Rudy to be right behind me. He stared into my eyes, making me a bit nervous. He pulled me into a hug, laying his head on my shoulder.

“I’m tired.” he grumbled, his lips brushing my skin.

“You don’t have to come with me if you want to sleep.” I offered, rubbing his naked back. 

“I don’t want to be by myself.” he complained, moving to kiss where his lips hit my skin. 

I froze in place, not sure what to do now. I was confused, scared, and now horny. I shuffled lightly in his hold, trying to act like what he did wasn’t affecting me in a major way. He sighed, pulling away. I smiled as I trekked to the bathroom, millions of thoughts racing in my head.

====================================

Maddie C and Chase were already out in the pool when Rudy and I came down, Chase begging Maddie to get in with him. I threw my towel down on the chair, busting out some tanning oil spray. With the help of Maddie, I doused myself to hopefully bring some color to my pale features. Back home the weather couldn’t seem to make up its mind, sometimes being really hot one day then freezing the next. I sat down on the chair, my legs on either side as I scrolled through my phone for a minute. Rudy sat on the open space, looking at me expectantly.

“What?” I laughed.

“You did not drag me from my peaceful slumber to just sit here, get in the pool.” he commanded, pointing at where Chase was standing. 

“I want to lay out for a little bit,” I scoffed, moving my legs to his lap since he wouldn’t move. 

“Baby, get in the pool now!” he exclaimed, a grin coming to his face.

“Oh my god if you’ll shut up!” I huffed, glaring at him as he cheered. 

I dipped my toe in the water, surprised that the water was actually warm. I felt Rudy’s presence behind me again, his hands gripping my hips.

“Don’t you dare!” I hissed, whipping around to grab his wrists.

“What? I’m not doing anything.” he innocently tilted his head.

“I’m getting in, don’t fucking push me.” I giggled.

“You mean, like this?” he questioned, taking a head start to push both of us in the pool. 

I resurfaced, pushing my wet hair back. Rudy came up a second later, wisely he swam a little ways towards the deeper end of the pool. I turned around, deciding to give him the silent treatment. Chase and Maddie were cackling at us, Maddie gripping her stomach from how hard she was laughing. I swam to the shallow side, purposefully not looking at Rudy.

“You’re in trouble now Ru,” Chase grinned, quirking a brow.

“I’m hungry, you guys ok with me running to McDonald’s?” she asked, earning a nod from me.

Chase and her headed out, leaving just Rudy and I. I heard him swim closer to me, I made sure to keep myself from looking at him. He stood in front of me, my eyes casting down into the pool. I pouted, hoping he would feel bad.

“Are you really not talking to me?” he asked, silence from my end.

“Y/n...babe, talk to me. I’m sorry.” he whined, flopping himself in my arms. 

I didn’t move though, trying my hardest to not smile. He wrapped himself around me like a child, not letting go of me even when I tried to pry his arms away. He buried his head in my neck, crying dramatically. 

“Baby I’m sorry, please talk to me!” he cried, I couldn’t contain my smile anymore. 

I busted out laughing, throwing my head back. He pulled his head back to grin at me, his eyes shining in the sun. I caught his gaze, the both of us going silent. Rudy stood to his full height, caging me in by putting his arms on either side of me. My breath hitched in my throat, having to lean my head back since he towered over me. He leaned closer, forehead coming to rest on mine. Our lips just brushed together when a voice sounded out.

“Hope we aren’t interrupting!” Maddie B yelled, her girlfriend Mo and JD trekking behind her.

“I was wondering when I would see your face JD,” I chuckled, swimming closer to the edge where they were. 

“We missed you at dinner last night man.” Rudy spoke, bro hugging JD.

“Glad you could make it college girl!” JD smiled.

“Hey girlie long time no see!” Mo greeted, leaning down to hug me.

“So glad to see you Momo,” I grinned.

JD and Rudy ended up getting in a major splash war, which gave me enough time to escape the water so I could lay out for at least a few minutes. I chatted with the girls, Maddie C and Chase coming back finally. Maddie C passed out our food, Chase joining Rudy and JD. 

“So y/n, what was that we walked in on?” Maddie B asked, Mo wriggling her brows.

“Nothing,” I murmured.

“Wait, what?” Maddie C inquired.

“That was not nothing and you know it.” Mo inputed.

“Ok...we might have almost kissed, but I think it was just an in the moment kind of thing.” I shrugged.

“Y/n, stop being so delusional.” Maddie C ordered, as if it could just be that easy.

“You guys just don’t get it.” I murmured, my mood taking a huge downfall.

“Then help us understand,” Maddie B said, placing her hand on my arm comfortingly. 

“I was bullied...for my entire life because I’m not thin. Never had a boyfriend, never even kissed a guy, and I’m just scared. I’m scared it’s too good to be true, and Elaine seems to have something for Rudy anyways...I don’t want to get in the middle of that.” I rambled.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You know you’re one of our best friends, every single person here loves you. You are beautiful y/n, if anything you’re way out of Rudy’s league.” Maddie B informed, Maddie C and Mo agreeing. 

“Our lives wouldn’t be the same without you y/n, I think you have a killer bod babe. I’m sure Rudy thinks the same or he wouldn’t stare at you all the time.” Maddie C giggled.

“Thank you guys, I just don’t want to read too much into things...I don’t want to get my hopes up. My heart’s been broke too many times I don’t think I could handle it, especially with Rudy. I couldn’t bear to lose him...” I sighed, looking at the boys who were wrestling each other. 

“Are you ladies just going to sit there all day?” JD shouted, splashing water at us.

“We’re talking shit about you all.” I laughed.

“That’s not surprising, that’s all you girls do.” Chase scoffed, running his hand through his wet hair.

“After I took care of you last night...that’s a low blow babe.” Rudy sighed, shaking his head. JD quirked a brow at his friend, looking to Chase. The man shook his head, I guess signalling he didn’t know what was going on. 

“That’s what you get for taking up the whole bed.” I smirked, a mock offended expression on Rudy’s face.

“I’ll remember this,” he nodded.

“Oh come on guys, we don’t want to hear about you all doing the nasty.” Maddie C groaned, both Rudy and I’s cheeks turning a bright red.

“It wasn’t like that.” I griped, shoving her slightly.

Chase used the moment we were distracted to snatch Maddie C up and throw her in the pool, a scream escaping her as she hit the water. I cracked up as I watched them play fight in the water. I started to get hot, the LA sun taking its toll. I sat on the edge, my legs dangling in the pool. Rudy swam closer to me, standing between my legs. 

“Get in with me,” he pleaded, tugging on my arms.

“I will, just give me minute to get used to the water Ru.” I giggled.

We swam for hours, my chest hurting from how much I had laughed. It distracted me from my internal thoughts about what happened earlier with Rudy almost kissing me. I wondered if he really did like me, or if this was some kind of game. I didn’t think Rudy was the type for games so I scratched that off my mental list, but I just couldn’t fathom how he could possibly have feelings for me. 

==================================

All of us somehow ended up in my room, scrolling on the TV to find a movie. We had just about everything from Chase’s pantry on the bed, drinks sitting on the end tables. JD wanted to watch a scary movie, the girls protesting against it. Call me weird, but I loved scary movies. The thrill always excited me, so his choice didn’t phase me at all.

“Y/n, you’re our guest.” Chase said, everyone looking to me.

“I love scary, but if no one else wants to watch it I’m cool with whatever.” I shrugged. 

The guys cheered, JD choosing Insidious, one of my all time favorites. Rudy cuddled me close to him, his eyes intently focusing on the screen. I had seen the movie millions of times, so the jump scares didn’t get to me anymore. I cackled when one of the girls would scream, or the guys would shout. Rudy hid his face in my neck at some parts, his hold on me tightening. Once the ending credits rolled, we put on a Disney movie to calm everyone’s nerves. My eyes began to droop, my head falling on Rudy’s chest. He played with my hair, his soft movements lulling me to sleep.

“You ever gonna grow some balls bro?” Chases asked.

“I don’t even know if she likes me back man,” Rudy sighed.

“You all are so perfect for each other, better shoot your shot before it’s too late.” Maddie C spoke. 

“Yeah I guess you’re right, I’ve made it so blatantly obvious, but she doesn’t seem to respond.” he rambled.

“Talk to her about it, not gonna hurt anything to have that communication.” Maddie B said.

“I think I might just do that, I can’t wait any longer for her to catch the hint.” he sighed.

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone- Chapter 11

Title: Old Wounds

Warnings: none. But there’s always profanity, just an FYI

Tagging: @alievans007​, @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @tragiclyhip​

“Well I’ve got good news and bad news,” Tyler announces, as he descends the stairs later in the evening, pausing at the front entrance to switch off the foyer light and lock the door and set the alarm before joining his wife in the living room. “Which do you want first?”

Esme glances up from the mountains of clean laundry that takes up residence at her feet and on the already cluttered coffee table. Laundry baskets of differing colours are scattered around the room. A larger one that consists of their clothing and smaller containers labelled with each of the kids’ names; the latter eventually being placed in intervals on the stairs in hopes they’ll be carried up to the corresponding rooms. For the most part, the kids are good at getting their assigned chores done. The littles enjoying a ‘sticker chart’ that signifies a treat or toy of their choosing when full, and the older ones satisfied with decent sized allowances. Despite an extremely healthy bank account and money constantly flowing in, they’re still expected to ‘tow the line’; being taught responsibility and learning skills that will help them become self reliant and well functioning adults.

She wrinkles her nose and scowls. “Depends. On a scale of one to ten, how bad IS the bad news?”

“Considering it’s our kids we’re talking about?” He drops heavily onto the couch, wincing at the stiffness in his right knee when he stretches his leg out and places his foot on the edge of the coffee table. The cold weather is aggravating it; causing the arthritis to flare up and bringing with it an incessant ache that seems to have burrowed into the bone. Two reconstructive surgeries and a host of complications later, it’s as good as that leg is going to get. Already told to be prepared for a third surgery before he hits sixty. If he makes it that far. “I don’t know. I guess a four? Five at the most?”

“So that means no broken bones, knocked out teeth, and no one is unconscious or bleeding. In other words, it’s a relatively tame night for our house. Still…” she tosses a pair of mismatched socks into Tanner’s basket. He’s particular; socks always scrunched into a ball, never matching, and his other clothes separated by colour yet not folded, preferring to do it himself once he takes the basket upstairs. “...tell me the good news first. It’s been a weird day.”

“The good news is that all the little ones are already asleep. Tanner’s on his way out but he’s sleeping in the tub in the boys’ bathroom again because TJ and Declan are being too loud. Not even the headphones and locking himself in his happy place were doing the trick. I tried.”

“Well, at least he finds ways to cope and make himself happy, I guess. The bad news?”

“Millie and Alannah are showing no signs of slowing down. So if you’re wanting to actually get some shut eye, you might want to camp out down here. It’s going to be a long ass night.”

“Maybe I’ll borrow Tanner’s headphones,” she says, then grins at him over her shoulder. “That should help fend off your snoring too.”

“It can’t be THAT bad. You’ve been sharing a bed with me for twelve and a half years. I notice you don’t ever head for the couch. You put up with it.”

“Do you know many times in the past twelve and a half years I’ve been tempted to smother you with a pillow? Many. Many. MANY times.”

“Yet I’m still here.”

“Mostly because I wouldn’t do well in jail. I’d never survive in there. And prison jumpsuit orange is NOT my colour.”

“And here I was thinking maybe I’ve survived because you just love me THAT much.”

“It plays a small part in it. But just a small one. Just so you know.”

“You’d miss me. If I wasn’t around.”

“Like a migraine,” she teases, and yelps when he lands a playful yet solid backhand on one of the cheeks of her ass. “That’s not nice. That’s not friends.”

“Is that what we are? Friends? That’s as far as we’ve come in twelve and a half years?”

“Friends with the best benefits,” she chides, and snags an unfolded towel from the pile of laundry on the floor and smacks him upside the head with it. “I wouldn’t complain if I were you. You wouldn’t suddenly want to find yourself facing an extremely long dry spell.”

“I’d be alright. I have three wank files on my phone now.”

“Three? What do you need three for? And how do you even have that many pictures of me in the first place? Are you sneaking them while I’m asleep? Because that’s just...creepy...if you are.”

“Bold of you to assume that it’s just pictures of you.”

She drops her chin to her chest and stares at him pointedly.

“I’m kidding. I only need pictures of you. No one else. Well, there’s a couple of videos too, but…”

“I swear to God, if anyone ever goes into your phone and finds those? I will kill you. In the most brutal and painful way possible. Why do you need videos anyway?”

“Homemade porn. Best you can get.”

“You can’t watch regular porn like regular people?”

“I mean, I COULD. But I don’t want to. I want to watch you. Unleashing your inner porn star. Getting all freaky and kinky and shit. You should watch them with me. Be kind of hot, don’t think? Watch them and make a new one?”

“You’ve got issues. Serious issues.”

“I can’t help it. I can’t help that my wife is a total MILF. That she looks all tiny and cute and innocent but is a freak in bed. You shouldn’t have been so eager and willing if you didn’t want me scooping you up at that quick.”

She smirks. “I thought you said I was a B plus?”

“You were. Until I got a hold of you. Now? Solid A plus, plus, PLUS.”

“So you’re finally admitting that you DID corrupt me. After twelve and a half years denying it.”

“I merely helped you build on your skills. Improve them. I was more than willing to let you experiment on me.”

“Mmmhmm. You know, I was a good girl until you got a hold of me.”

“Like fuck you were. Good girls do NOT bang a guy...for five days straight...that they barely know. Unprotected.”

“I admit, that was not one of my finer judgement calls. But I trusted you. You didn’t seem like the type that didn’t take precautions. I mean, looking like you do and having women in different ports all over the world? That was a given. But you didn’t strike me as the type that wanted kids all over the world. Or STD’s. I trusted you. For some reason.”

“You just wanted the dick. Admit it. You were willing to sacrifice all your morals and standards for it.”

“I will admit to no such things. You were just as into it as I was. You didn’t exactly turn sex down. You didn’t seem too concerned about the whole protection thing. How did you know I wasn’t some hoe crawling with Lord knows what? How’d you know you weren’t going to get the burn?”

“I trusted you. Against my better judgement.”

Smirking, she cocks her head to the side and regards him with a mixture of disdain and amusement.

“You were all cute and tiny and innocent looking. Boy did I learn. Quick.”

“Something tells me you wouldn’t have kept me around if I was TOO cute and innocent. I knew just enough to make you want it, yet still gave you a pretty clean slate to work with. You must be so proud of yourself. Corrupting me like you have. Moulding me into some freak in bed.”

“Babe, you had a freak inside of you, just took good dick to bring it out. You are some of my best work though. You didn’t turn out too bad.”

She gives a derisive snort.

“Aren’t you glad you went along with Nik’s fucked up idea? Was it not the best decision of your life?”

“I don’t know about the best,” she teases, and drops a load of clean wash in his lap. “But you’re on my top five list.”

“Well for what it’s worth, it’s definitely the best decision I ever made. And you have to admit, the whole lack of protection thing? It didn’t turn out too bad.”

“I don’t know about that. She’s turning into quite the hell beast. You know those hellhounds on Supernatural? Millie could be their ruler. In fact, they’d be scared of HER. Although I have figured it out. Why she’s been extra bitchy lately.”

“Please tell me it’s not boys. Bad enough we had one phone here. I don’t want to find out there’s more.”

“It’s not boys. Although…” she drops down onto the couch beside him. “...that will come soon enough. Puberty. It’s puberty.”

“Excuse me?”

“It hasn’t happened yet. The big event. She hasn’t gotten her period.”

“We are NOT having this conversation.”

“As uncomfortable as it makes you, we have to have it. Because it’s going to happen. Soon.”

“She’s eleven.”

“She’ll be twelve in March. I was just shy of twelve when I got mine.”

He turns his attention to the pile of laundry in his lap. “I do NOT want to hear this.”

“I’m just trying to prepare you. The mood swings? The skin breakouts? The fact she’s starting to develop and has already asked me to take her shopping for bras…”

“Don’t. Please don’t. I’m not listening to you. I refuse to listen to you.”

“...means that things are going to happen. Soon. And we need to be prepared. Especially you.”

“Why me? Why do I need to be more prepared than you?”

“Because I’ve had my period for almost thirty years. I’m obviously experienced in these things.”

“And I’ve lived with you for twelve of those thirty years. Who is the one that bears the brunt of the shit storm when you get all mean and moody and shit? Who’s the one that’s been bringing your bitchy ass chocolate and ice cream? Who’s the one that will massage your back and bring you a heating pad when the cramps are bad? Never mind that, who’s had to go to the store and buy you woman stuff?”

“You’ve been very good about it. But in all fairness, if you really think about it? I haven’t had my period that much since we’ve been together. You may have done all those very sweet and amazing things, but you’ve also gotten me pregnant with seven kids. In twelve years.”

“That is a very good point, actually.”

“All I’m saying is that things are going to happen. Soon. And I just want you to be prepared for it. I know it bothers you to think about it. Your baby girl growing up. But she is. Growing up. And she’s doing it very quickly. You need to step up your game and be ready for anything.”

“I really hate you right now.”

“Do you, Tyler? Do you REALLY?”

Leaning into her, he presses a kiss to her temple. “No. Not in the slightest.”

“I just want you to be prepared. In case it happens when I’m not home. So you know what to do.”

“You’re not leaving the house from here on out. Until she DOES get it.”

“You’ll be fine. I’ll make sure everything is in the house that you’ll need in case it does happen. I remember when Riley was going through puberty. My mom was totally useless. It was a disaster when I started mine. She would have been more than willing to just let me bleed all over the place. I had to stuff toilet paper in my underwear and steal money out of her purse so I could go to the store and get necessities.”

He grins. “My wife the felon.”

“So I made sure Riley would never have to go through that kind of humiliation. I made up this basket for her. Pads, tampons, a heating pad, chocolate bars, some pain killers. Everything she’d need. I’ll do that for Millie too. And I’ll put it somewhere where you can find it. So you’re ready if it happens and I’m not home.”

“Do we really have to keep talking about this?”

“Stick your head in the sand all you want, husband. It’s going to happen. Whether you like it or not. I know she’s your little girl. Your miracle baby. But she’s growing up. And it’s happening very fast and there’s nothing we can do to stop it, I’m not exactly happy about it either. This is all happening way too quick for my liking. Where the hell has the last twelve years gone? We’re going to have a teenager. Very soon.”

“Not to make things worse, but we’re going to have three in the house in just over two years.”

“You’re not helping. Seriously though. Where has that time gone? Some days it feels like we just met, don’t you think?”

“Now that I think about it, there are days you drive me as fucking nuts as you did that that first day in Dhaka.”

“Fuck you! I was cute and charming.”

“You were a pain in my ass.”

“But I was a CUTE pain in your ass. You can’t deny that.”

“You were something alright.”

“Look, just because you were having the feels for me and didn’t know how to handle it, that’s not my fault. And for the record, I would have been able to handle myself. In the market. If things went south.”

“Sure you would have. You would have been just fine. All five foot nothing and a hundred pounds of you.”

“Good things come in small packages. You didn’t need to watch me that closely.”

“Yes. I did. I very much did. You know what would have happened if Asif’s thugs got a hold of you? The end result would not have been pretty.”

“I think you use that as an excuse. I think you just wanted me that close because you WERE having feels for me.”

“I am neither going to admit OR deny that.”

“You don’t have to. I’ve caught on to you. You can keep lying to yourself about your motives back then, but I know what you were up to. And it’s very sweet. That you wanted to keep me safe and sound because you had feels for me.”

“Do you want me to be totally honest?”

“Always.”

“I really just wanted to keep you close so I could look at your ass. And because I was hoping to get laid. I needed you to be safe and in one piece for that to happen.”

She stares at him pointedly.

“I’m just saying. You want honesty? There’s your honesty. You were cute and had a wicked body and I was horny as fuck and wanted you to fix that. And boy, did you ever fix it.”

“And I'm still fixing it. Twelve and a half years later. You lucky bastard.”

“I am lucky.” A slow smile spreads across his face. “Very lucky.”

“It’s weird.” She turns her attention back to folding the laundry at her feet. “Sometimes it DOES seem like it was just yesterday. Where DID the time go? How did we end up old enough to have a pre-teen? I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel old enough for that.”

“The way my body is? I feel old enough to have a kid in college, never mind becoming a teenager. Which leads me to the other bad news.”

“Oh God…” Esme groans. “...there’s more?”

“These?” He reaches into the pocket of his sweats and pulls out a pair of reading glasses. “Don’t do shit anymore. I can see up close, but I can’t see fuck all far away. You know what that means?”

“Your eyesight is shit. Which I’ve been telling you for the last three years. Is it just your right eye?”

“That one’s worse.” It’s a mixture of things. The knife that Nathan had dug into his face -the sharp blade cutting deep and causing problems with the surrounding nerves- and the multitude of concussions suffered over the years. The last one five years ago had been the tipping point; causing permanent and extensive damage to the optic nerve. “ But they’re both shit.”

“When we get home you’ll have to call and schedule an eye appointment. And while you’re at it, you should call and get that hearing test done.”

“I don’t need one done. I know my hearing is fucked.”

“Fucked or not, you need one. So you know what you’re dealing with. You might need a hearing aid.”

“That’s a huge ‘fuck no’ from me.”

“I know it makes you feel old; glasses and hearing aids and arthritis and all the aches and pains. But you ARE getting close to fifty. And you’ve had a hard life. There’s been a lot of damage done. Isn’t it better to get on top of those things? So they don’t get worse? I just want you to have a good life. I want you to be around for a long while. And if that means you have to wear glasses on a permanent basis and get a hearing aid…”

“I’m sorry. Are you talking? I couldn’t hear you. It’s my old age.”

“It’s not old age. You’re just an asshole. Always have been, always will be. But you’re my asshole and I want to keep you around. And I know YOU want to stick around. Especially for your kids. So do it for them? Get your eyes and your hearing tested. Please? Because we love you, you insufferable, stubborn pain in my ass. And us loving you? That’s not going to change because you need help hearing and seeing.”

“I’ll be ugly as fuck. If I have to wear glasses all the time.”

“It’s impossible for you to be ugly. In fact…” she plucks the glasses from his hand and slips them onto his face. “...I think you’re quite sexy in them.”

“You know, you’re not half bad looking when I can actually see.”

She laughs and shoves him back against the couch. “You’re a total dick.”

“Fuck you, you love me.”

“I do. Despite my better judgement and the warnings from friends and family.”

Smirking, he lays a hand on the back of her head and pulls her into him; speaking with the tips of their noses pressed together and lips mere inches apart. “Why are you so mean to me? You’re always so mean.”

“I know. You have it so rough. I am the worst wife EVER. I’m horrible. Just horrible. How you put up with me defies all logic.”

“It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it. It’s my cross to bear.”

“You poor bastard,” she laughs, a palm coming to rest on the side of his face when he kisses her. Long and slow and sweet, followed by a series of small pecks and then concluded with the press of his lips against her forehead; her eyes fluttering closed and a soft smile playing at the corners of her mouth. It’s always been one of her favorite things; those feathery kisses placed on her brow and the weight of his hand on the back of her neck and the warmth of his body so close to hers. It’s sweet and it’s pure; intimacy at its most basic and innocent of levels. And her smile widens when a calloused fingertip softly traces the slope of her nose and his lips press against the tip. “You and your freckles.”

“Well technically, they’re YOUR freckles.”

“You’re staring at them aren’t you.”

“Not staring. Admiring.”

“Admiring what? They’re ugly.”

“They’re adorable. And you’re beautiful.” He presses a kiss to each corner of her mouth, hand smoothing wayward strands of hair away from the sides of her face and neck.

Her eyes flutter open. “Why do you look at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like THAT. How you’re looking at me right now. Just so...I don’t know...I don’t know how to describe it. But you always do it. Your face changes. So does the colour of your eyes. It’s like you’re looking at me for the very first time all over again. Even though you’ve seen me nearly every day for the last twelve and a half years. Yet you still do it. Look at me like that. Like I’m the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen.”

“Maybe you are. Maybe to me you’re the most beautiful woman in the world. Maybe all I see is you. Maybe because everything that is amazing and perfect in my life is because of you. All this? A place like this? My kids? Us? None of that would exist if it wasn’t for you. If you hadn’t stuck around on that bridge…”

“But I did. I DID stick around. And if it happened a thousand times, I would make the exact same decision. No hesitations. I did the right thing. No one can ever tell me different.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you put your ass on the line for a guy that was a complete and utter fucking mess.”

“Well I guess I just saw the potential,” she chides, and then kisses him; fingernails lightly scraping along the bottom of his hairline “You know what I really want right now?”

“I’m hoping you’re going to say sex, but I have a sneaky feeling that’s not it.”

“Leftover Chinese food. And my last chocolate croissant.”

“And then sex?”

Laying a hand on the side of his head, she pulls him closer; placing a series of feathery kisses along his jaw and then grinning against his ear. “Maybe.”

*****

An hour later they sit in the sunroom; the remnants of a late night meal on the coffee table, the area illuminated by strings of multi-colored Christmas lights lining each pane of glass and the soft glow given off by the space heater. It’s the kind of quiet and relaxation that is extremely rare to find especially during the holiday season; one that comes only when everything on your ‘to do list’ has been checked off. It’s a relief to have it all done; every last minute gift snagged, almost all the wrapping relegated to a very accommodating and willing Desi, fridges and freezers stocked and the house fully decorated both inside and out.

It had been a learning process; getting comfortable with celebrating the season while still harbouring painful childhood trauma and the memories of six Christmases with his first child. But Esme had made it easier; never pushing him to ‘get into the spirit’ and knowing what lines shouldn’t be crossing and learning to step back when the trauma of the past would begin to fester. Seeing her enjoyment of the holiday had helped; the excitement she shows over something as simple as a walk or a drive to look at other peoples’ lights, the joy she gets in buying things for the kids and keeping the magic alive and seeing their faces light up on Christmas morning. And he’d come around a little bit at a time; a distaste for the holiday becoming more bearable as the years went on and eventually being replaced with actual enjoyment and appreciation. And now that the hard work is done, it’s time to relish in accomplishment; a quiet house and the ambiance and the press of her head against his chest and the feel of her hair as it slowly slips through his fingers. He’d gladly stay there all the night; away from the giggles and chatter that drift down from their daughter’s room, lulled to sleep by the familiar weight of his wife’s body against his and the warmth that radiates from her. Nothing sexual about it; just quiet, soft intimacy in its purest form.

His eyes flicker open when he feels her move away; head lifting from the back of the couch and as her hair slips from between his fingers. “You okay?”

She gives a sheepish, almost nervous smile. “We need to talk.”

“So no, you’re not.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m okay.”

“Babe, nothing good ever comes after ‘we need to talk’.”

“Everything’s fine. The kids are good, I’m good, we’re good. Just something has been eating at me all day and I wasn’t even going to bring it up but I just know it’s going to keep me up all night if I don’t get it out.”

“How bad is this thing that’s been eating at you? Because the way you said ‘we need to talk’...”

“It’s not bad. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst, it’s maybe a three. A four. At the most.”

“Okay. What is it? What’s going on?”

“Before I tell you…” she turns her body to face him. “.... there’s some other things I need to say. First, I want you to promise you won’t get upset.”

“It’s obviously worse than a four if you think it’s going to upset me. It takes a lot; for you to piss me off.”

“I wouldn’t call it ‘pissing you off’. Just I can totally see why you might take it the wrong way and get defensive. And there’s no reason for you to be. Defensive.”

“It’s not about the job is it? Because we already talked about that and I already said I would stay home. Or at least if I did have to go somewhere, I’d stay completely behind the scenes. So if it’s about that…”

“It’s not about the job. That’s water under the bridge. We dealt with it. And may I add, we dealt with that very well. EXTREMELY well. You didn’t get worked up and we didn’t fight and that’s a big thing for us. A huge thing. And that’s a REALLY nice change; it shows we’re a lot stronger now.”

“So if it’s not about the job…”

“I need you to promise. That you won’t get upset. That you won’t get defensive even though it might seem like you need to be.”

“I promise. I’ll keep my shit together.”

“Second, I need you to know that I love you. More than I ever thought I could love someone. And you ARE the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Hands down. You’re an amazing husband and an even more amazing father and I couldn’t have asked for a better dad for my kids. And I appreciate you so much. Everything you do for us. For our family. How you care for us and provide for us and…”

“As nice as it is to hear all this, you’re rambling. And while I normally find that cute, it’s actually really unnerving right now. So maybe just spit it out? What’s going on? Why are you so edge? What’s got you all worked up?”

“Okay. I’m just going to ask and hope for the best. Just remember, there’s no reason to get defensive and I’m NOT accusing you of anything. It might seem like I am, but I’m not. I promise.”

“Are you going to get it out sometime today or…?”

“How friendly were you? To that neighbour the other day?”

“What neighbour?”

“The new one. The single mom. At the park. Natalie. The tall blond who looks like Sephora threw up on her face? Remember her?”

“What about her?”

“How friendly WERE you with her?”

He can’t help but laugh. “What?”

“You said you talked to her. What did you talk about?”

“You’re kidding me, right?”

“There’s a reason I’m asking. I’m not just asking to ask. I knew you met her and I know you talked to her and…”

“And what? What ARE you trying to ask? Because you said I shouldn’t get defensive and it seems like maybe I should. ARE you accusing me of something?”

“No. I’m not. I am not accusing of anything. I know you, Tyler. I know your heart. I know you love me and that you’d never, EVER cheat on me. So I am not accusing you of that. I never would.”

“So then what the fuck? What do you mean how friendly was I? When have you known me to be friendly with ANYONE? Especially people I don’t know. Are you suggesting I did something? Because that is totally it, Esme. I fucked her...in the dead of winter...in public...with my son twenty feet away. Is that what you WANT to hear?”

“No! God no. And that’s not what I’m suggesting at all. I just want to know. What you talked to her about. That’s it.”

“Why? What the hell does it matter? You’re always on my ass about how I should be more social and make an effort to meet people. Now all of a sudden you’re changing your mind? ‘Cause you’re worried about some neighbour? What the hell…?”

“Hear me out, please,” she begs, and takes both of his hands in hers. “This isn’t about me being neurotic and my self esteem issues and my weirdness about other women.”

“Seriously? Because that’s EXACTLY what this is about. This happens every fucking time we go somewhere. You get all worked up because you think women are paying attention to me. Because you think all these housewives and mothers are so thirsty they’d actually give a fuck about me. You think way too highly of me.”

“Okay, first off, no I don’t. You happen to be incredibly attractive. The blue eyes? The smile? The body? The whole vibe you’ve got going on? The resting bitch face? The tattoos and the scars and the whole intimidation factor? It’s very sexy. Whether you realize it or not. And I know you can’t help it. You’re just naturally beautiful. I’m not blaming you for that. But I do have a reason. For being the way I am. For having the issues I do.”

“Yeah, your brain is fucked up. Just as much as mine is.”

“You may not see it...all the women that check you out and thirst over you...but I do. All the time. But we’re not talking about the soccer park or the school yard. We’re talking about the park. And Natalie. The pretty single mom.”

“She’s not pretty. I don’t think she’s pretty.”

“Are you blind? You must be. Your eyes must be worse than my thought.”

“She’s not pretty. Not to me. She’s not my type.”

“You don’t have a type. In fact, your type used to be anything that walked with a wiggle.”

“I’ve had a type for the last twelve and a half years. If you want to call it having a ‘type’. You. You’re the only one that matters to me. You’re the only woman that I give a shit about. You might as well be the only one that exists on the entire fucking planet. All I want is you. That’s it. So what the fuck…?”

“She showed up here today. Asking for you.”

“Who did?”

Esme sighs in exasperation. “Natalie. The neighbour.”

“She came here?”

“And asked for you. She came calling on another woman’s husband. You don’t find that at least a little bit strange? That she would do that? That she would show up on our doorstep looking for you? You don’t find that even a little weird?”

“I find it a lot weird. I don’t know why she’d come here. I wasn’t THAT nice. It was small talk. Nothing more than that. I was my usual pleasant self.”

“Well, you certainly made an impression on her. Enough that she felt comfortable coming here. And talking to your daughter AND your wife. Let me just say, her social etiquette needs some work. She’s not as charming and witty as she thinks she is. Her people skills are a tad rusty.”

“What did she want?”

“To talk to you. To give you her cookie.”

He chuckles. “Is that a code language for…?”

“No. She literally brought you cookies. That she made for you.”

“What kind of cookies?”

Esme’s eyes narrow.

“I’m kidding. That was a joke. Probably not the best time to make one, mind you.”

“Oatmeal raisin if you need to know ALL the details.”

“Worst cookie EVER. You don’t know betrayal until you bite into one thinking it’s chocolate chip and you find out it’s THAT.”

“I’m pretty sure she was also offering up HER cookie. On a silver platter.”

“And if she was? Who the fuck cares? I don’t want anything from her. I talked to her at the park. Welcomed her to the neighbourhood. That was it. Everything else is on her. If she read too much into it, that’s her problem. Not mine. I made small talk and that was it. And you know how much I hate small talk.”

“I know YOU didn’t do anything. I know you. I know who you are and what you’re like. I wasn’t suggesting that you made a move on her or led her on or anything like that. You know that, right? That I’m not accusing you of anything?”

“I know you’re not. But it does seem like you are.”

“I know. And I don’t mean for it to sound that way. It just upset me. Her showing up here. Asking for you. That is so many shades of wrong. Why would someone do that?”

“Why would a man follow someone’s wife home from the post office? Someone’s noticeably pregnant wife.”

“That’s NOT the same thing.”

“You’re right. It’s not. It’s worse. You were pregnant with my kid. You told him you were married. And he still followed you home.”

“And you took care of it. You scared the shit out of him. Knocked him on his ass. All’s well that ends well.”

“Doesn’t mean I liked it. The fact some fucking asshole followed my wife home. You say I don’t notice things? How come you never notice all the men that pay attention to you? I notice it. Why don’t you?”

“It doesn’t happen that often.”

“It happens all the fucking time. And some of them are actually brave enough to be right out there with it. That takes a lot of balls; being that bold in front of someone’s husband. You think I like THAT? When men check you out?”

“You never say anything. You never act like it’s bothering you. If it does, why don’t you just say something?”

“Because I trust you. Because I’m secure. When it comes to knowing how you feel about me. I don’t see these guys as competition. A pain in the ass. But not competition.”

“That’s because they’re not. I don’t give a shit about any of them. I don’t want anyone else. I want you. I am perfectly happy with you. I love the way things are. With you. None of them matter to me.”

“Then why does it bother you what other women do? Why does it bother you so much? You don’t trust me?”

“What? No. I do. I DO trust you. You are not the problem. They are.”

“That doesn’t make ANY sense. How can they be a problem when I won’t let them be? I don’t give a fuck about any of them. How can they cause issues if I won’t let them? What do you think they’re going to do, Me? You can’t steal someone away unless they WANT to be. And you know what? As much as you drive me fucking insane, I am perfectly happy where I am. With who I have.”

“You don’t know what it’s like. Being around that. Those women. You don’t…”

“I DO know what it’s like. Guys check you out all the time. Do you see me going all neurotic about it?”

“Well, being neurotic IS my thing,” she sheepishly admits.

“This needs to stop. You being like this. It has been twelve and a half years of this, Me. And it’s tiring. I love you. And I have to tell you until my very last breath that I love you and I don’t want anyone else, I’ll do it. But it doesn’t mean it it doesn’t grate on my fucking nerves.”

“You knew I was like this. You knew my issues. Going into things. If they pissed you off THAT bad…”

“They don’t piss me off. Is it annoying, yes? Can I live with it? Also a yes. I will put up with it. Until my dying day. Because I love you. But I would give anything to put an end to it.”

“I can’t help it. Being like this. I’m not you, Tyler. You’re secure and you’re confident and you’re able to just ignore other men.”

“Because I trust you.”

“And I trust YOU. You are NOT the problem. And I know it doesn’t make any sense to you. Me worrying about other women when I know for a fact you’d never cheat on me. But I do. Worry about them.”

“Why? Tell me why you worry about them? What do you think they’re going to do, Esme? Tell me. What do you think is going to happen?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“That is NOT an acceptable answer for anyone over six. Try again.”

“I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what I’m thinking. But you don’t hear what they say. The women at the soccer park on the school yard. I do. I hear it. I hear them talking about how ugly and plain and boring looking I am and how they can’t understand why someone like you would be with someone like me,” she struggles to hold back a threatening flood of tears. “They don’t hide it, Tyler. They don’t talk about these things in secret. They make sure I hear it. And you know what? It hurts. A lot. And if I tell you something hurts me, you don’t have the right to tell me it doesn’t.”

“I’m not doing that, babe. I’m not saying it shouldn’t hurt you. And I’m sorry. That it does. That you hear stuff like that.”

“Why are you sorry? It’s not your fault. You can’t help what they say.”

“Do you want me to say something? To them? The next time I pick the kids up? Because I will. I’m not shy when it comes to telling people off. You know that. And when it comes to protecting you…”

“It would just make things worse. I can just hear them now. Talking about what a cry baby I am and how you deserve a real woman. Don’t say anything. It’ll just set them off. Things are bad enough as they are.”

“Why don’t you tell them to fuck off? You usually don’t back away from shit like that.”

“Because that’s our kids’ school and we’ve been on the principal’s shit list before and I don’t want to make things hard on our kids. But it does bother me. Hearing that stuff. And it DOES hurt.”

“But it shouldn’t. That’s what I’m saying. Just let go in one ear and out the other. Who gives a fuck what they think? What does it matter? I love you. I have always loved you. I always WILL love you. You’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Isn’t that enough? What I think? Why isn’t that enough?”

“I don’t know. I want it to be. And I know it should be. I know you love me. I’ve never doubted that. Not even during those six months. Even then, I knew you did. You just needed to get your shit together. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. I don’t why I’m like this. Why I can’t get past it. I think I’m getting better and then something happens and it’s back to square one.”

“Your mom fucked you up. So did Mark. You went through a lot of shit. Especially with him. But I’m not Mark, Esme.”

“I know. I know you’re not.”

“Do you? Because sometimes I’m not sure you do.”

The tears come freely now; body trembling with the force of the emotions that accompany them. And he places a hand on the back of her neck and pulls her into him; a forearm across the small of her back as her body presses tightly against his and her arms immediately circle his neck.

“I’m sorry,” she sobs against his shoulder. “I never meant to make you feel that way. Like I was comparing you to him.”

“I know.” One hand repeatedly strokes his hair, the other settling at the small of her back. “I know you didn’t.”

“Because you’re NOT him. You’re nothing like him. And I’ve never thought you are. I’m sorry, Tyler. For making you that feel that way. I never meant it.”

“I know you didn’t. It’s okay, Me. He fucked you up. Badly. I’m just the guy that came after. The one that has to try and clean up his mess. And if it takes the rest of my life to do that? Then I’ll deal with it. I can’t make it better. I can’t take it all away; make it like it never happened. I wish I could.”

“I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be crazy and neurotic and a freaking mess.”

“Well if it’s any consolation, you’re a beautiful mess.”

She manages a small laugh. “I don’t know what to do. To make this better. To make ME better. And it’s not fair to you. To have to deal with this shit.”

“I’ve brought more shit to the table than you have. And you’ve always dealt with it. I figure it’s the least I can do. Put up with your crap.”

“I don’t want to be like this. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I just can’t. But I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to fix me. And it shouldn’t be up to you to do it.”

“You’re my wife. You’re the mother of my kids. I love you. It’s what we do. Help each other. Fix one another. You’re not in this by yourself.” He presses a kiss to her temple and tightens his hold on her. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll figure it out. We’ll get you past all this.”

“What if we can’t? What if it CAN’T be fixed?”

“Then we live it. I spent the rest of my life constantly reassuring you that I’m not going anywhere. That I love you and think you’re the most beautiful in the world. If that’s what it takes, I’ll do it. I’ll take one for the team.”

“You’re so generous,” she chides. “Always so willing to sacrifice yourself.”

“Well, we do crazy shit for love. When we get home, you should go and talk to Doctor Klein. Tell him what’s going on. How you’ve been feeling. If anyone can figure shit out, it’s him.”

“You’ll come with me, right? I think you should. Come with me.”

“You know I will. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

She pulls away to look at him, sitting back at her heels. “Nothing?”

“Nothing,” he declares, and lays his hands on the sides of her face and uses his thumbs to wipe away the lingering tears.

“I know all snotty nose and puffy eyed isn’t my best look, but maybe we could have sex now?”

He grins. “Maybe. Would it make you feel better?”

She nods. “Being worshipped ALWAYS makes me feel better.”

“What can I say? I’m always willing to cheer you up. Besides, your body’s a temple, babe. It deserves to be worshipped.”

“It’s a temple, alright. Ancient and crumbling. Probably haunted.”

“It’s beautiful,” his hands move to the front of the plaid shirt she wears; enormous and baggy on her tiny frame. “And sexy.”

“Even after seven kids?”

His fingers tend to opening the buttons on the shirt. “ESPECIALLY after seven kids.”

“You always have the right thing to say. Your sweet talking is improving.”

“I thought you preferred dirty talk?”

“I do. Dirty talk is my favourite. Especially YOUR dirty talk. That voice? That accent? I’m wet just thinking about it.”

“Yeah?” With a playful smirk, he forcibly shoves her onto her back; a palm on either side of her head as outstretched arms brace his much heavier and bulkier frame. “In that case, shut up and let me fuck you.”

[purplesurveys]

1257

Have you ever watched a movie in class/school that made you cry?  Oh for sure. We had to watch It’s A Beautiful Life and I know I cried every single time I watched that movie, whether for school or on my own time.

What’s the earliest you could go to bed at night and feel okay about?  I don’t really get this question. I feel like it would make more sense if it asked how early I’m willing to wake up in the morning...? Anyway, I don’t pay attention to the time I sleep at night. Sometimes I’ll pass out as early as midnight, and sometimes I’ll be up until 3; it doesn’t matter to me.

What is you favorite type of lunch meat?  I’m not into those in general.

What time of the year do you dislike the most?  The heat in April and May is just brutal and uncalled for. It gets so hot and disgustingly humid and most times the aircon can’t even do much to quell it.

Do you put ketchup on your scrambled eggs?  Yeah, banana ketchup since that’s what we usually have a bottle of. Generally, I have banana ketchup with most of my breakfast dishes too.

What is your favorite color to wear? I don’t really have a favorite to wear those days mostly because I barely go out anyway and there’s been little need to update my closet.

Are you an overachiever?  Seems like the type of question you should be asking my parents, not me haha. Personally, though, I’m fairly proud of what I’ve accomplished.

What physical feature do you wish you had (i.e. freckles, curly hair)?  Maybe longer legs and smaller teeth, but I’m not exactly insecure about mine.

What fictional character (i.e. Bambi, Scarlette O'Hara) would you marry? Did you just raise the possibility of marrying a deer? Anyway...since I mentioned Two for the Road in the last survey, I’ll go with Mark from that movie. Seems like my type of partner. 

How long have you gone without shaving (girls- legs, armpits; boys- faces)?  With legs...around 2-3 weeks. Armpits, maybe about a week or so. Never more than a month for either.

What is the meanest thing you have ever said to someone else?  For the most part I’ve always been cautious of what I say; writing, on the other hand...I’ve written stuff on my diary wherein I let out all my frustrations against my mom. I know they were mean because she cried over them – but that also entailed snooping through my stuff, so I’ve never felt bad about it. I meant those things as I wrote them because it was my safe space, and she violated that. That’s on her.

Did you ever go through a phase where you wrote bad poetry?  I did, but I instantly realized it was bad so I stopped as soon as I began.

What is your favorite thing about your life?  How everything seems to have fallen in its place these days. There’s really little to complain about and I’m grateful for that.

Save all the animals that die during road kill or save 1 human from a fire?  Animals.

Have you ever painted a picture of somebody?  No.

How many real bfs/gfs have you had?  One.

Did you enjoy your past relationships?  I did.

Name a comedy that you like. White Chicks. << I love this choice, let’s just go with this one lol.

Could you wait until marriage for sex?  Sure.

What’s the best Nirvana song?  I don’t listen to them. I know a couple of songs but I don’t like them enough to be my favorites.

What was the last thing that impressed you?  The new Butter remix with Megan Thee Stallion.

When was the last time you were in a pet store?  Years, years ago.

What nationality is your last name?  Spanish or Portuguese, I’m not super sure.

What’s your favorite kind of chips and dip?  I never dip my chips; I just have them as is.

Who was the last boy that you saw cry?  Idk...maybe one of my cousins from one of our family reunions last year. I don’t get to be around a lot of boys or guys.

Does your mom know you do surveys?  No. I’ve never had to raise it and I can’t see a situation where I would have to.

Have you ever had a serious injury?  Yeah, I got a big wound from when I went snorkeling around a decade ago. I wasn’t provided flippers so when I was kicking to stay afloat I managed to hit the coral reefs underneath repeatedly, which majorly scraped and gashed my left foot until it was an open, bleeding mess. It was infected for weeks and I’m surprised it didn’t leave any kind of mark or scar.

What was the last thing you achieved?  Handling a campaign for a major client successfully and getting good coverage and results for it.

Would you enjoy being famous?  Probably, but I wish I had some sort of talent or skill that would propel me to popularity in the first place hahaha.

What’s under your bed?  Some things I collected from past hobbies and interests, like all my old wrestling magazines.

Do you enjoy travelling?  Love it.

Have you ever belonged to a club? If so, what was it?  I mean I joined an org in college, which technically makes me a member for life. I’m not name-dropping but it’s one of the two journalism organizations in my alma mater.

When was the last time you drank strawberry milk?  I can’t recall. I don’t drink strawberry milk.

Have you ever managed to collect all the fast food toys in a set?  I never collected those.

Do you have a clock in your room?  Nope.

Did you have a good driver’s ED teacher?  I honestly can’t remember. I only had like three sessions with different instructors for each, and the one instructor I remember having was extremely cranky and impatient.

Which of Britney Spears’ songs is your favorite?  Hold It Against Me is pretty fun.

Does mind over matter work for you?  Sure.

Are you paranoid?  Oh yeah. Overthinker is pretty much my middle name.

What is the best thing about winter?  I wouldn’t know but considering the things associated with it, I’ve always believed it would be my favorite season.

Have you ever been truly in love?  Hmm. I think so, yeah. I’d give myself that.

Are you currently planning a trip?  Nah. Nothing set in stone, but Angela, Reena, and I have been talking about flying to South Korea next year. We’ll see.

How many plants are in your home?  Several. My mom is a bit of a fan, but it’s nothing obsessive.

What is your favorite possession?  I treasure my BTS merch, I guess haha. Nobody is allowed to touch them or move them around without my permission. As often as my mom likes to barge in my room and touch my stuff, she seems to understand and doesn’t lay a finger on any of the merch either.

Have you ever felt like you were too nice and way too often overlooked?  Sure. But it's never really mattered to me; it just feels nice to be nice and do nice things for people. It does feel nice to be thanked, but I don’t necessarily do it for the recognition.

What movies have tripped you out?  I’m Thinking of Ending Things, Midsommar, Anomalisa, Under the Skin, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and The Killing of A Sacred Deer are a few of them.

Did you rollerblade as a kid? Do you still rollerblade?  Yesssss, I even had a pair as a kid. I got into it because I loved to ice skate, but it turned out I wasn’t as good as gliding on the ground so I ultimately preferred ice skating. Anyway, no, I haven’t done rollerblading in years.

Would you ever settle into a relationship that wasn’t right for you? Do you know friends who are in relationships just so they have someone to sleep with at night?  I did. I stayed because it’s where I felt safe and I didn’t know where else to go or what else to do outside of it.

Would you take a dirty picture of yourself for someone you are dating?  Sure.

Do you use earplugs or a sleeping mask when you sleep?  Nope. I find them more distracting than anything else, and they actually keep me from sleeping.

What summertime treats do you love?  I don’t have any.

How picky are you when it comes to choosing who to kiss or not kiss? I am VERY picky. I have to be really interested in you. < Yeah, this sounds about right.

What do you hate most about moving?  The last time we moved was in 2008...and I don’t really remember disliking any part of it. I was actually excited for us to have a home all to ourselves after living with extended family in a cramped house all my life.

Do you feel that having sex anywhere but a bed is more exciting?  Depends where. Sometimes it can be exciting, sometimes it can be inconvenient but you kinda do it out of desperation lol.

Do you drink 5 hour energy drinks or any other kinds of energy drinks?  No, I’m scared of how it would affect my body so I’ve never tried.

Has anyone ever whistled at you?  Countless random men.

Do you like scarves?  They can be comfy if I’m traveling somewhere cold...but I don’t really get to do that often, so.

Is your father homophobic?  I haven’t seen any signs from him. My mom is much more likely to exhibit internalized homophobia – she just did the other night.

Do you take gummy vitamins?  No, only when I was a teenager.

Have you ever applied make-up on a guy, for any reason at all?  I don’t think so, nothing I can recall.

Who would you like to meet before you die?  I don’t have any goal person in mind.

If your dream was to be a model, and a big opportunity came up, but you had to be nude, would you take it? Hmm, probably not. What’s the most ridiculous conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard of?  The Avril Lavigne doppelganger one is extremely hilarious and I read up so many thread about it on Twitter just so I can see how far people can stretch it.

If Heaven and Hell exists, where are you going when you die?  I don’t care.

Who is the person that you are afraid of losing, above everyone else?  Either of my best friends.

What is one thing that pisses you off pretty much everyday?  The weather.

Is there anyone you know that you feel should consider therapy?  My mom.

Do you like any of the songs on Twilight, or the actual movie/saga itself?  Yeah the soundtracks are actually fucking great. The person who took this survey before me named Supermassive Black Hole by Muse, and that’s one of my favorites from all the soundtracks. The song Slow Life in New Moon is nice, too. How old was the first person you kissed?  She was 17, going on 18.

Will you be a strict parent one day?  I’d have some rules set but I wouldn’t suffocate my kids.

Last person to stand up for you?  Heck if I know. I can do that for myself.

Have you been to a baby shower?  No.

Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater?  My ex.

What’s your favorite high school memory?  Hiding a same-sex relationship from my conservative, homophobic Catholic teachers.

Do you like relationships, or do you prefer to be single?  I like being single these days.

What is one adventurous thing you’d be willing to do?  Trying out the Nevis Swing in New Zealand.

What subject at school did you absolutely hate?  I saw no point in studying chemistry.

Italian food or Chinese food?  Chinese. I like Italian cuisine, but sometimes I find it a tad bit salty for my taste.

Do you like to make flash cards when you study?  Not flash cards but sometimes I’ll write my notes down in several index cards because for some reason I retain information better that way.

Has anyone ever told you that you’re a good singer?  No.

Do you ever watch TED talks, live or online?  No. I never saw the appeal of most of them, honestly.

I dare you to write the name of a person you strongly dislike.  Gabie.

What do you think about Marilyn Manson?  I have nothing to say about him tbh. 

Biggest trouble you’ve ever gotten into at school?  Nothing beyond getting into an argument with this kid in 2nd grade and getting sent to the counselor’s office for it.

Do you own one of those “professional” DSLR cameras?  I used to, until I handed it down to my sister...and until she let it smash onto the ground because she didn’t place it on her tripod properly when she was filming one time. I still don’t get why she’s so defensive about it; I wish she’d just admit she majorly fucked up on that. Does it bother you when you see a 6th grader with a bunch of gadgets?  It makes me silently judge the parents more so than letting myself be bothered by a child.

Did you buy yearbooks every year in high school, or did you not bother?  We’re not offered the chance to get yearbooks unless we’re in graduating years.

Do you have Restless Legs Syndrome?  No.

Jalapeños: yay or nay?  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Did you ever play Minecraft? No. I can’t care less.

Did you ever have a Club Penguin account? Were you a member?  I didn’t.

Do you know anyone that seems to not have any common sense?  Me, sometimes. Hahahaha.

What do you think is the biggest injustice that was ever done to you?  The way I was broken up with, like what the person who last took this said. I’m not tortured by it and her anymore, but I don’t think I deserved to intensely mull over about what I could have possibly done to be broken up with the way she did.

What type of person angers you the most? Abusive people that think only they matter and have no consideration for how their actions affect other people. < This pretty much hits the nail on the head on how my ex is, so I’ll just go ahead and agree.

If you could change your appearance, how would you alter it?  I’d get braces again and...that’s it, really.

What are your feelings on feminism?  I support it and I support how it advocates equality.

Describe your first relationship?  I’ve only had one relationship so I’ll just answer the following question.

Describe your last relationship?  Internally toxic; uhhh healthy at some points I guess, when she wasn’t being a selfish prick; a disaster towards the end.

Can you honestly say that you always practice safe sex?  I honestly don’t know what constitutes ‘safe sex’ in a same-sex relationship, sooooo idk if I have.

Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply?  It’s a realistic take on love and I appreciate that it took its sweet time to highlight the ugly sides of love and marriage. Also, Audrey Hepburn taking her acting chops to the next level was just beautiful to watch. She was always a fantastic actress in all her movies, but I could tell her acting in Two for the Road had just a little bit more depth to it.

What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you?  That I’m nice and approachable.

Do you feel protective over someone?  My friends.

What perfume/cologne do you wear?  Heat Rush.

Where did your vehicle come from?  My parents got it for me as a high school grad gift.

What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to?  I haven’t been to a wedding since 2007, and back then I was designated as a flower girl lol. I’ve never been to a wedding where I was chosen to be a bridesmaid.

What is your favorite way to eat chicken?  CHICKEN SANDWICH. Also chicken wings.

It is your birthday. You hope the cake is:  Oreo cheesecake topped with 24 macarons.

What do you wear to bed?  Something thin and airy.

What were you doing at 8pm last night?  I was watching Bon Voyage.

[gerberbabey]

euphoric | one | JJ Maybank

a/n: this post isn’t showing up in the tags and idk why😔😭

ive linked both the outfit and the makeup look, and will continue to do so in the future. this is mostly bc im not rlly good at being descriptive sorry 😔 . For the aesthetic and looks in particular i might link a lot of Cierra Nia, cus her vibe and fits are very much what i had in mind. (when it comes down to it a lot of the inspiration im going off of is very Kali Uchis, Princess Nokia, and SZA.)

ik that this kinda cuts into the inclusivity (w aesthetics and fashion sense at least, bc i understand that some of these outfits might not be smth other people are comfortable wearing), but even w the concept ill try my best to widen the range of outfits as i go forward

the chad bit is inspired by @yourlocalauthor

also... im lowkey loving Isaiah as a character and i might invest in him more than i planned to lmao. 

summary: You get ready for dinner with the Cameron’s but you meet a certain Pogue instead. 

masterlist | previous | next

warnings : cursing, lack of pogues and action (i gotchu next part tho), also terrible writing

one - ♫ Only in the West by Yeek  ♫

After being told that you would be interacting with people in just a few short hours you’d rushed off to your designated room. Your parents were generous enough to leave name signs on the doors (likely for the movers to put your belongings in the correct rooms) and you tore yours off the front before you slipped into the room, closing the door and locking it behind you. 

You took in the room for a moment. It was already pretty much furnished, just not decorated or arranged in a way that you would like it to be. Everything was just kind of there, from the bed sheets to the vanity that you actually couldn’t really complain about.

Your suitcases had been placed at the foot of the bed and you moved to open the one that contained your makeup. You transferred your makeup products onto the vanity before a buzzing at your waist made you pause. 

“Oh shit,” you pulled your phone from where it was being held against you by the waistband of your shorts. The FaceTime caller ID had “that bitch maddy ” displayed at the top of the screen and you cringed because she was probably pissed that you hadn’t been responding to any of their texts. Pressing the answer button you pulled out the little seat of your vanity and leaned your phone against the mirror. 

“Oh shit, she answered!” BB’s voice echoed out of the speaker of your phone and you let out a laugh. 

“Are you serious dude, we’ve been trying to contact you for hours,” Maddy drawled out, clearly annoyed.

“I just got to the house Maddy.”

When it came to your group of friends, Maddy Perez was someone who constantly sought for attention. This wasn’t shit talk either, it was just the fact of it. You’d been friends with Maddy for nearly your whole lives and something that she loved was praise and attention. You were one of the few people who knew how to keep up with some of her antics. You were also one of the few people capable of calling her out on her shit without her lashing out at you for it (Although the topic of Nathaniel Jacobs was one she seemed to be especially hard headed on). 

The girls started to talk over one another, Kat’s voice drowned by the energy of Maddy and BB. You nodded along as you moved around in preparation. You’d stripped off the top you had flown in, tossing it aside in irritation and instant relief as the sweat that was being trapped in by the fabric immediately began to be cooled by the touch of the air conditioned room. 

“I mean what the fuck right?” Maddy concluded her story and you could only imagine Kat rolling her eyes. 

“Maddy the longer you complain about Nathaniel the more I begin to tone you out,” you admitted and Kat let out a laugh. 

“Daaaamn,” BB drawled out from somewhere off screen. 

“What the fuck (Y/N) you’re supposed to be on my side,” Maddy was clearly angered by your comment, you could hear it in her tone. 

“Babe I am on your side. I’m on your side no matter what the fuck that psycho does. I just really don’t need to hear about what he does because it doesn’t change anything,” you leaned in close to the mirror to focus on your eye make up. You looked over at your screen for a split second and from Maddy’s body language alone you knew you’d eased her irritation.

“So (Y/N) how’s North Carolina,” Kat question, emphasizing North Carolina with a misplaced old-time cowboy-like accent. You’d only spoken to the movers from earlier so far but people from North Carolina and the Outer Banks in particular didn’t seem to have a distinct type of accent. 

“It’s…” you leaned back to look at yourself and shrugged, “sticky.”

“Sticky?” Kat laughed and Maddy let out a small ‘ew’. 

“Yeah. Yeah it’s sticky.” 

_____________

It took nearly two hours but you’d finished getting ready and damn did you look good. You’d ended the call with the girls after they showered you with compliments and sentiment and you find yourself letting out a heavy sigh to try and release the tension in your chest. You missed your friends. You missed being a short drive away from Maddy’s house. You missed Kat and BB laying around in your room arguing about one thing or another. You missed sleepovers at Cassie and Lexi’s house. You missed heading out to the gas station and talking to Fez and Ashtray (which was an experience mind you). You missed the suburbs and not being on an island all the way across the country.

You missed all of this and you hadn’t even been on this island for a day. 

A knock on your door interrupted the growing weight you could feel throughout your body. 

“(Y/N), are you ready? We’re gonna head out soon,” your mother’s muffled voice called to you and you nodded before realizing she definitely could not see you. 

“Yeah I’m good just give me a second!” you called back. 

“Ok,” her voice drifted off and you took one last look in the vanity mirror, concluding that you definitely needed a full body mirror in this room. 

For tonight you were dressed to ensure the weather on the island knew it could fuck off. Maddy had pleaded for you to wear one of the dresses/outfits she’d gifted you at your farewell party (although you’d specifically told her not to get you anything, you also weren’t gonna complain about the amount of money she’d made Nate drop just to get you presents). So there you were, dressed in a dark purple, suede-textured, bra top with a long pleated skirt that was a lighter, softer shade of purple. You accessorized with two different chains hung around around your neck, a purple bucket hat, a small light purple shoulder bag, white socks bunched at your ankles and silver sneakers. The look was topped off with your makeup matching the purple color scheme. 

Concluding that you were good to go, you made your way out of your room and then out of the house. You took in everything as you passed it, from boxes that were yet to be unpacked to new pieces of decorations your old house definitely did not have. 

“Y’know sometimes I wonder how it feels to need to take 3 hours getting ready,” Isaiah drawled from where he was leaning against the car, scrolling through his phone. He’d dressed in some cutoff tan pants and a polo with a logo that you couldn’t make out on the left breast. 

“It would really help you out,” you shot back and he scoffed. 

“My look is effortless ok, I have natural beauty-”

“Oh, natural beauty bullshit-” 

“I’m not the one with layers on my face-” 

“Say that the next time you wanna use my face masks-”

“Ok ladies! You’re both absolutely gorgeous,” your mother interrupted your bickering as she made her way outside, “Do you wanna know how I know because you both got it from me,” she struck a pose and you let out a laugh while your brother rolled his eyes. 

“(Y/N) are you not gonna bring a jacket?” your dad questioned as you slid into the car. You blinked at him before turning to Isaiah who shrugged. 

“You’re not serious,” you stated and your jaw dropped at the serious look on your dad’s face, “Dad you can’t be serious, it’s so hot.” 

“(Y/N) you’re not even wearing a shirt, it would give me peace of mind if you had something to cover yourself up.” 

See now, while your family got along well, there always was something within families wasn’t there.Your dad’s opinions always seemed to clash heavily with you and your brother’s (yours especially). The man disapproved of Isaiah’s group of friends and lack of participation in sports. The man also disapproved of your friends (aside from Kat and Lexi) and heavily disapproved of your fashion sense and the outfits you tended to wear. He usually didn’t have to see any of the outfits you wore considering he was at work practically all the time, but he always had something to say when he was present. 

“Man people are walking around shirtless and stuff dad it’s fine,” Isaiah tried to defend you. 

“I wasn’t talking to you Isaiah.” 

Your dad was also the only person who didn’t call you or your siblings by your nicknames. 

Isaiah rolled his eyes. 

“Ok ok, it’s fine,” you’re mother piped in, “here (Y/N), you can have this cardigan,” You gave her a look of disbelief and she only shot you a pleading one back. Her expression alone told you, ‘please, just leave it’. You grit your teeth and snatched the cardigan from her, slouching into your seat aggressively as your dad nodded and started the car. Bea continued to watch whatever show she had preoccupied herself with and from the corner of your eye you could see Isaiah’s hand clenching and unclenching on his lap. You couldn’t see his face but you wouldn’t doubt he was as pissed as you. 

_______________

The Cameron house was packed with people. 

Well, not the house itself, but their large backyard was crawling with people. When Bea had told you that you guys would be heading to the Cameron’s for dinner you thought it would’ve been with the Cameron’s and the Cameron’s alone. 

“Welcome to your welcome party!” a man walked up to you and your family and you and Isaiah shared a look. 

“Ward, you didn’t have to do all this,” your mother laughed and the man waved off her concerns before giving her a hug in greeting. 

“This was the least I could do for my new business partners. Now, this must be the (L/N) kids,” the man, Ward, turned to the three of you and Bea stepped up with the confidence that surpassed you and your brother’s. 

“Hi I’m Bethany, but everyone calls me Bea!” she introduced and Ward let out a joyful chuckle. 

“Nice to meet you Bea, I’m Ward Cameron. I work with your daddy.” 

“I know,” Bea said matter of factly. 

“Oh, well then, it’s still great to meet you. And you two are…?” He trailed off offering a hand out for your brother. Isaiah stepped forward, taking his hands out of his pockets and shaking his hand firmly. 

“Isaiah,” he greeted with a nod and Ward nodded back.

“Then you must be (Y/N),” Ward guessed and you nodded with a polite smile. 

“It’s great to meet you three. I’ve heard a lot of good things about you kids,” Ward praised and you tried not to roll your eyes. There was no way your dad was bragging about his kids and you assumed your mom just talked about your antics. She loved talking about your guys’s antics. Bea was likely the only one who actually got any praise from either of your parents at this point. 

“Well there’s food on those tables, take as much as you want. Seconds, thirds, go crazy,” Ward motioned to the long tables displayed with food, buffet style, “Bea there’s a few kids over there who I know would love to make a new friend,” Bea ran off at that, “and you two. My daughter Sarah and my son Rafe are somewhere over there with some others your guys’s age. I know you guys definitely don’t wanna hang around when the old people start talking,” Ward laughed and your parents chuckled while you tried to hide your wince with a smile. 

Ward ushered your parents off, leaving you and Isaiah to stand awkwardly looking over the crowd of people. 

“Wanna go get food?” Isaiah offered and you nodded eagerly. 

_____________

Kiara was on enemy territory. If there was one thing she definitely had not wanted to do, it was go to a Kook party (in Sarah Cameron’s house nonetheless) to welcome a new Kook family, but her parents practically threatened her. Now she was here, trying to avoid all the Kooks (i.e Sarah) while her parents mingled with other parents. Kie had done a pretty good job slipping off so that she wasn’t forced to talk to any one and was sitting on a chair that was basically hidden away from the rest of the crowd.

‘SOS. god pls get me out of here’ She texted her group chat with the other Pogues and threw her head back in irritation as she waited for a response. 

“Y’know I think I just saw Chad, Brad, Tanner, and Hunter over there,” a voice she didn’t recognize startled her and Kie looked up as you and a tall boy made your way over to the spot she’d claimed. You were laughing, your cardigan sliding off your shoulders and both of you had a plate of food each.

“Yeah, they’re waiting for their homeboys Bryce, Brock, and Tucker,” you shot back and the boy barked out a laugh. 

Kie smiled as she caught onto the jokes you guys were making. Yet her smile dropped as she realized that from your unfamiliar faces and your unique sense of style she could tell you two were two of the new kids from the new family. Aka the new Kooks who moved into Figure 8. Kiara’s phone buzzed and she looked down at it. 

‘want us to crash?’ Pope had responded, though from how it was worded, Kie could bet that JJ had sent the message. 

As down as she was for that, her parents were in attendance and they’d probably ban her from ever seeing her friends again (not that something like that would stop her). 

“Hey uh,” Kiara jumped and looked up, making eye contact with you and your brother, “Oh shit sorry, we were just wondering if we could sit here?” 

“Yeah no, go ahead,” Kiara motioned to the empty chairs.

“Thanks,” you smiled at her and Kiara admired your makeup now that you were much closer. 

“I’m Isaiah by the way, but call me Zaya,” Isaiah raised his hand before motioning to you, “This is my sister, (Y/N).” 

“I’m Kiara, but most people call me Kie,” Kie introduced and you and your brother nodded. Kiara’s phone buzzed again, drawing attention to it. 

‘kie want us to come get u?’ John B texted. Kie quickly picked up her phone so she could respond, she glanced between her phone and you and Isaiah before deciding. 

‘nah it’s ok’ 

‘?’ was the immediate response from Pope and Kie could almost hear the confusion. 

‘met the new kids. theyre cool so far’ 

‘If you say so. But jj says dont fall for it’ 

Kie rolled her eyes but could understand the sentiment. She told them not to worry about it before putting her phone off to the side. You and your brother had started a different conversation while Kie had been otherwise preoccupied. Kie watched and listened to you two talk, justifying that it wasn’t eavesdropping since you’d come and sat with her in the first place. 

“That sounds dumb but ok,” you offered and Isaiah scoffed. 

“I mean I looked up if there was one around here but there isn’t so what else am I gonna do.” 

“Sorry, what isn’t here?” Kie interrupted, curious about the context of the topic. Isaiah glanced at you before turning to Kie. 

“Skate park,” he answered, “There isn’t one in the Outer Banks so I could just street skate, but there’s nowhere to drop in. But I was also thinking of just going somewhere and bombing a hill.”

Kie wondered if she was losing her mind. She knew there wasn’t a skate park on the island, the closest one was on the mainland. Most people who skated rode on longboards rather than actual skateboards and as far as she knew most people in the OBX just preferred to surf. But what had lost her was “drop in” and “bombing a hill”. 

“Closest skate park’s on the mainland,” Kie confirmed and your brother seemed to deflate. 

“You skate?” You questioned and Kie shook her head. 

“I’m a surfer. Not much to do when you live out here,” she joked. 

“No shit?” you asked and Kie looked up in thought but shrugged. 

“Well me and my friends, we usually either surf, or we go out to the marsh. We swim, drink, smoke. Either out at the marsh or just at my friend, John B’s, house. Sometimes we throw keggers. Have bonfires. We usually know how to occupy our time,” Kie wondered why she was speaking to these two so comfortably. 

“Parties?” Isaiah questioned and Kie winced. 

“Aside from keggers, people on the Cut don’t really throw house parties. The Kooks are always throwing stuff like this though,” Kie nodded over to the event that was meant to welcome you and your family in the first place. You glanced back at the party/gathering that you’d practically forgotten about. Since you’d arrived you and your brother actively avoided interacting with the teenagers all dressed like they were pledged into Kappa Beta Who Gives a Shit. 

“Sorry, Kooks?” Isaiah questioned. 

“Oh um...Kooks are like the rich people, anyone who lives in Figure 8. Boarding schools, trust fund money, private tutors,” Kie explained. 

“So...we’re Kooks? Because we live out here?” you questioned incredulously. Kie nodded her head and you raised a brow. Sure, you weren’t poor, you’d already established that. Back in California you lived just a few houses down from Cal Jacobs, who owned practically the entire town. You acknowledged that you were definitely more financially privileged than some people, but you’d never had the luxury of going to a private school (shoutout to East Highland) or having a private tutor. And even with as much money as your parents seemed to make, the idea of a trust fund was laughable. 

“OBX is kinda split. John B always described it like...two tribes, one island,” Kie smiled as you and your brother gave her deadpanned expressions, “So y’know who the kooks are, but the other half are the Pogues. Basically the bottom of the food chain. Pogues live on the Cut, the poorer side of the island. Kooks and Pogues don’t really get along.” 

“I’m gonna be completely honest with you, that’s like the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” you stated bluntly. 

“Wait is this like...Soc’s versus Greasers? Like The Outsiders?” Isaiah questioned and Kie’s eyebrows furrowed at the comparison. 

“You're telling me your whole island follows basic labelling like it’s an 80s high school movie?” you questioned in a state of shock and all Kie could do was nod. Kooks and Pogues and even Tourons were just something people knew growing up in the Outer Banks. She’d never really let it sink that other people probably found the concept ridiculous. 

“Do you have bad experiences with...Pogues or something,” you questioned and Kie shook her head firmly.

“Nah, I’m no Kook. They’re entitled, narcissistic, assholes.” 

“So you’re a Pogue? Then why are you here?” Isaiah laughed and Kie slumped in her seat. 

“My parents forced me here. I go to school with these assholes...but I’d never be like them,” Kie shook her head as she caught sight of kids she recognized from the Kook academy. Her family was less upper class, and more working middle class if she really thought about it. Unlike a lot of the highly privileged Kooks, Kie knew what it was like to need to work for the money they had. 

“So then how’s being a Pogue going for you exactly?” you questioned. Deep down you knew that  you probably shouldn’t have been entertaining this whole Kook vs. Pogue thing but you’d also never encountered an entire county of people that was so blatantly classist. 

“Literally great. I surf all day, I get to hang with my friends. The best part is that it’s away from all of...this,” Kie motioned to the crowd that you had separated yourselves from, “Speaking of, we’re actually having a kegger tomorrow. Would you guys be down to come?” Kie looked between you and your brother. 

“Uh yes, please,” you were quick to answer and Kie laughed, “Honestly I was preparing myself for the most boring fucking summer of my life, but I’m really glad we met you,” you admitted.

“Definitely won’t beat back home though,” Isaiah mentioned and you groaned. The thought of missing all the parties that were probably being thrown back in California made you frustrated. 

“Man don’t remind me.”

“You guys moved here from California right?” Kie asked so that she could keep herself in the loop. It wasn’t hard to pick up that you and your brother tended to go off into little conversations of your own but she understood that it was probably because neither of you knew Kie and therefore didn’t know what to bring up in conversation. Kie was an extroverted person but this was something she noticed Pope doing a lot.  

“Yeah, LA actually,” Isaiah confirmed, “Definitely not ‘Paradise on Earth,’ but...” 

“There’s no place like the Outer Banks,” Kie said, though the sarcasm dripped from her entire being. 

“Meh,” you shrugged off with a tone of disinterest and Kie laughed wholeheartedly. 

_________

The three of you ended up talking for the entirety of the night. Kie was determined to stay completely hidden away from the rest of the party’s residents, meaning she had kept herself planted in her chair for quite literally the entire time you guys were there. Isaiah, being how he was, had gotten up a few times to get more food or to grab something new to drink. He had come back with something for Kie each time. 

Kie was interesting, she led the conversation a majority of the time and constantly kept it flowing. You appreciated someone who could work past awkwardness and still keep up a conversation. You ended up exchanging phone numbers and social media and had talked about a whole lot of shit; from keggers, to your outfit, to how moving felt. Isaiah and Kie had even gone on a pretty long debate about music, (something about the top 5 albums of all time, or was it how meaningful a playlist was? or maybe it was about whether it was ok to separate an artist’s actions from their music?). 

Kie was a down to earth, do shit for herself, actions speak louder than words kind of girl. She spoke her mind about everything she was passionate about and though you weren’t preaching about sea life and turtles, you could obviously understand where she came from with her frustrations, you’d just never really met anyone who was so deeply passionate about it. 

The feeling of your phone vibrating against your leg took your attention off of Kie. 

“Hello?” you answered it and Kie paused.

“(N/N)! Where are you?!” Bea’s voice screeched and you furrowed your eyebrows in annoyance. 

“I’m with Zaya, we’re sitting by like some trees, I don’t know.”

“Mom says we’re leaving right now!” 

“Bea stop yelling,” you said firmly, “Ok, we’ll just meet you guys by the car then.” 

“Ok!” your sister yelled and before you could snap at her she ended the call. You shook your head and put your phone into your bag.

“We leaving?” Isaiah asked and you nodded as you gathered yourself and your belongings. Kie began to clean up as well, standing up and helping you and your brother out while you gathered up the empty water bottles and cans of soda. Now that Kie was standing you could see that she was actually a little taller than you originally thought.

“It was really nice meeting you Kie,” you said sincerely and Kie smiled. After the three of you cleaned up she helped lead you guys toward the front of the house without having to deal with whoever was left over at the party. You wondered for a moment about how she was pretty familiar with the layout of the home.

“I’ll see you guys at the kegger tomorrow?” Kie asked. 

“Uh, where’s that gonna be again?” you questioned as you spotted your family’s car.

“Oh it’s on the Boneyard,” Kie explained and you only stared at her blankly, “Ummm, y’know what. I could just pick you guys up?” 

“Yeah for sure,” Isaiah said and you tried not to think about how weird it was going to be arriving at a party at the same time as your brother. That was something you tended to avoid doing when you were back home considering you usually went with your friends. 

You and your brother bid Kie goodbye. You’d never been the type of person to initiate hugging, so when she gave the two of you a wave you found yourself just waving back awkwardly.

Now you were settled in the car, heading back home after a ridiculously tiring day. Bea was going off on a tangent about one thing or another and Isaiah had fallen asleep, wedged rather uncomfortably against the car door. You were texting in your group chat, telling them all about Kie, Kooks, Pogues, and everything in between. 

You wondered if you could finally get a dog.

taglist: @sspidermanss​

[ashtcnirwin]

god typing your url is always so hard for me i don't know why but i always want to type ashtocn ANYWAY how about this: gimme a director's cut for jalex in paris, change my mind fic, or makeup artist ashton fic. yes those are the three you wrote for me. i'm giving you the option to only break down one of them if you don't wanna have to dig into all three. but like you can hit all three if you wanna! go crazy. whatever floats your boat. love youuu xoxo bella

you and me both, i keep spelling it as aschtnirwin whenever i have to type it out🤡

hmm giving me choices... i like that, thank u miss bella! i haven’t really talked much about any of these fics (that i can remember), and i can’t quite make up (heh heh) my mind (heh heh) so i’ll just do all three and here’s to hoping i can keep it at least a little bit short

⭐ we’re doing director’s cut of fics guys⭐

jalex in paris aka we go together (or we don’t go down at all)

writing this fic was really hard in one way because i’d never written a fic for a fandom that i barely knew anything about, and i remember that i spent that whole morning/early afternoon looking at atl interviews and miscellaneous vids to get a tiny teeny grasp of their vibes. and it’s like...when you’re part of a fandom, you keep picking up all these little pieces of information about whatever/whoever it is you’re a fan of, things that you won’t find on a wiki page or anything, but to try and pick up all those little details in one day just wasn’t gonna happen obviously. 

i think you, bella, commented on smth in the fic, a little detail or smth that didn’t add up with the real people, and i never went back to fix it (cos it just...didn’t matter to the story at all really) but i remember thinking to myself like “ah fuck...okay making little mistakes like that is really irritating cos if this was 5sos (or 1d for that matter) i’d never ever make a mistake like that”, yk?

anyway, i love paris a lot, i’ve been there a few times, and i’d been meaning to write you some jalex for a while when...either sam or meghna said smth about jalex in paris, and i thought...yeah...i can do that...mhm. so i did. and you know me, i’m usually all about the angst and the emotional torture and the heartbreak and all that stuff, BUT in addition to this fic being written for you and i know you’re all about the easy love, writing this as angsty or have jalex have a bigass argument over their relationship or anything like that just didn’t feel right AT ALL. 

in my mind at least, the combination of how jalex act irl, both as individuals and as a duo, and the general vibe i was going for in the fic, the easy love-path was the only thing that made sense. it was just like...they spent a day wandering around paris, being a little chaotic, and ended with them sitting at a restaurant in the early evening, waiting for their dinner, and then jack just being like “are we on a date?”, totally casual, and then that was it, sort of. no conflict, no long conversation, no colliding expectations, etc etc, and it was lovely to write.

(but ofc, in true me-fashion, i had to throw SOMETHING in there, hence the nods towards a fwb-arrangement)

(in my defense, if it wasn’t for that, there never would’ve been a ‘is this a date?’-question tho so)

and i really, really enjoyed writing this piece, far more than i thought i would, and getting to write about parisian vibes (and cute boys complaining about awfully hot parisian summer weather) was just...i felt like a soft boiled egg by the time i finished and posted it😌

change my mind-fic aka we dance along

would you believe that this was the first fic i ever wrote that was inspired by a song? actually, so far it’s the only song-inspired fic i’ve written, i haven’t written another one since. why haven’t i? it was so much fun...huh 

well i’m a wh*re for 1d, i was deep into the fandom back in the heyday, and this song was my sad jam back when tmh came out, so writing a fic for it eight years later and for a different fandom was...it felt a little odd, ngl, especially since i wrote it as non-au? which would indicate that 1d exists in this universe? and that 5sos went on tour with them? i don’t think i put a direct timestamp on the fic, but they were in stockholm when the events of the fic went down and it was established that they were in sheffield a week prior, so that would have been the myt tour, so...yeah, they would have toured with 1d a few years prior, and now they’re hanging out, drunk, in an hotel room, speaking in 1d lyrics? that’s a vibe

just like the jalex in paris-fic, there’s easy love here, too. i think i said something in the club a little while back (it might have been in response to...nik asking for general writing tips?) about how sometimes, people just...do things, they don’t think it through, they don’t stress out about it or anything; they want something and they go for it, and it just isn’t deeper than that. not everything has to be super fucking deep, right?

and i remember thinking as i was getting started on writing malum’s whole conversation about what went down in sheffield, that if any 5sos ship was gonna hook up and then a week later be like “ykw? i like you, i liked kissing you, i liked hooking up with you, so let’s just run with it and see where it takes us” with just a brief, minor freakout and not getting themselves into a whole pining, angsty situation over it, it would be malum. cos the basic premise of this fic COULD have been turned into an angsty slow burn, no doubt, but it made sense to me to drop the argument all together and just go for a soft and easy conversation

makeup artist ashton au aka something old, something new

ah awkward, nervous luke...loml. this one was SO FUCKING HARD to write for the sole reason that idk shit about makeup, like i’m literally barely able to paint my own face without ending up looking like heath ledger in the dark knight, u feel? had it only been hairdresser!ashton. i know way more about hair. well anyway doesn’t matter.

it’s been so long since i wrote that fic now (or, it feels like it’s been super long, in all actuality it’s only been like half a year) and i wrote it so quickly that i can’t remember a lot about my thought process as i wrote it, tbh?

the only thing that stands out to me is the line in the fic that goes, “He chooses to not say anything about the fact that it’s the judgement he’s passing on himself that’s the main problem.” because while i’m obviously not gonna sit here and speak for everyone else, i often find that when i make a big change in my life, be it with my looks or my job or my studies or in personal relationships or whatever else, i tend to be more focused on judging myself for whatever it is i just did than i am on whatever judgement other people may be passing on me.

i wrote luke as being super nervous and unsure about asking ashton to put makeup on him, but his nerves definitely came more from being scared of taking that step than from worrying about other people judging him. i didn’t elaborate on it in the fic as far as i can remember, but i imagine that the reason he was so nervous was that he was scared of taking another leap away from traditional masculinity and what it might lead to. i feel like...a part of him was hoping that he wouldn’t like his face with makeup on, simply because then he could take it all off and carry on with his life, but well, that didn’t happen. he’s a pretty boi, even prettier with makeup.

also, in hindsight, i realise that this is one of those fics that could have been left pairing-less and it wouldn’t really have changed the story much at all. the focus of the fic was very much on luke, not as much on the interactions between him and ashton, and i think the main reason why i did include some flirting (or, clumsy attempts at flirting at least (luke just going ‘hey do u have snapchat? pls? i wanna talk to u more)) was that it’s become more or less second nature to me when writing fic to include at least a nod or two towards a romantic relationship?

yeah i did not manage to keep any of these particularly short? surprise surprise but thank u bella for giving me the chance to talk abt these fics that i have a tendency to forget abt, ily🧡

[bitegore]

1, 7, 44, 50 for rex (and any other ocs you wanna do)?

:3

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything? 

Rex’s full name is Rezkierelayxl, because when I was coming up with the closerverse dragon culture i was really vibing with the idea that the names are like. theirs, picked out by them, and they keep their real names hidden except with maybe like a close friend or significant other. Rex is honestly a nonsense word for him*. Someone else picked it out and he was just like “yeah ok i didnt like my old name very much” Of course in the metatextual version his name is rex because i had a dream where the entire closerverse story happened and that was just. his name. Didn’t really pick it out from anything other than the aether.

bc i feel like it, i’m also adding Taz, whose full name is. shit. idk. who even cares its just long and basically alphabet soup with a whole bunch of unrelated syllables in there, and his name is “Tazryx” which roughly translates to “Freedom” in my dragon language conlang. this is ironic. for reasons. his name also fell out of the aether, but like with meaning intact.

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood?

Rex? HAHAHAHAHAHA NO. He had like a few friends as a child but they got murdered and then he was like [angst and brooding] and then he made new friends but they were frankly awful people and he killed like two of them and was like [angst and brooding x5] and now he just has like. no friends. a few acquaintances, his ten billion cousins and assorted relatives, and like 2 immortal demigods who are bound to keep him alive that he’s like sort of friends with but not really

Taz? Yeah. But like half of them are dead now and he’s veeeeery smad about it. he channels that and constructs a city. it is very cool and like half the plot of the book

44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most?

For Rex, it’s highly dependent on location; he prefers spring in foresty areas and summer in desert types. He likes being human in thunderstorms and being a dragon in dry heat. He’s not really great in either extreme in his human form, but he’s really bad with cold in his dragon form, and he complains LOUDLY AND OFTEN about snow. It is his opinion that snow is the worst thing that the sky could ever drop on them. (He’s probably been hit by a meteorite for saying that and still adamantly thinks that snow is worse.)**

Taz hates winter. He doesn’t really care much for any season (summer is too hot, spring is too rainy, fall is too chilly) but he like reaaaaally doesn’t like winter. His favorite ‘season’ is like 1 week in the middle of late spring. He’s awful in both the cold and the heat and whines long and hard about both. He mostly complains about inclement weather, though; if it’s sunny he’ll suck it up and be like “yeah ok this is kinda nice actually” eventually

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

oh this one is actually canon-relevant, thank you! according to him, rex’s essential travel bag contains:

at least two knives, one for hurting people and one for skinning animals

between five hundred and a thousand dollars cash in local money***

some sort of tradeable good in case he doesnt have the right local money. this is typically just another knife or two

a small bottle of something to drink for the trip because he doesn’t want to buy alcohol in places he doesnt know

two changes of clothes

condoms

and apparently sometimes he’ll also bring letters from people but he pretty much doesn’t have stuff that he’d take with him while traveling. even if he had to literally uproot his whole life the only difference would be the quantity of knives coming with him (upwards of like 200. hobbyist knifemaker in a blacksmithing clan = collecting lots and lots of knives and he only sells them sometimes). he also has like... a coat with many pockets full of knicknacks that he keeps on him at all times but those are like it.

Taz would bring like. clothing, food, water, and a whole bunch of knicknacks like. books and toys and shit. and then discover that he didnt have any of the things he needed and call someone in the middle of the night like “heeeeeyyyyyy i forgot to bring ANY money and i need to buy a TOOTHBRUSH, pls come take me home :(” and his poor siblings would have to mobilize to go rescue his stupid ass.

He’d call like, probably clothing and whatever hobby he’s on at the moment his essentials but he’d be wrong. his actual essentials are not his two-week hyperfixations, he is just [jazzhands] undiagnosed untreated adhd and based heavily off my untreated shortsighted self

--

*closerverse is like a thousand odd years after the apocalypse and rex is like uneducated. he doesn’t know latin. the people who picked his name did and they find it incredibly ironic for reasons he doesn’t know but would laugh at if he did know

**The gods of his world canonically do not like him very much and they would absolutely be like “hey now. snow is nice. fuck you. see how you like THIS” and then, because Rex never ever, ever, EVER does what they want, is just like “...that sucked. OH GOD IS IT FUCKING SNOWING, can’t i EVER catch a break!” and then brin and deva are just like [facepalm] and the entirety of the abyss curses his name and the bets they’ve placed on him again

***there are no banks in the closerverse. there are like fifty different systems of currency in the continental america alone at different exchange rates, many don’t consider other currencies valid, there is almost no standard, and its just a nightmare to deal with having the wrong currency.

[staticscreenwriting]

All you have to be is here - Part 4

Synopsis: Billy has fucked up and has to do 60 days of community service at a home for troubled kids and youth. Working with the kids there makes him learn a lot about himself. Also there’s a girl there his age who’s smile is phenomenal and who is way too nice to him.

I guess I should mention there’s a lot of angst in this. Talk of substance abuse later on, physical abuse, emotional abuse. All that kind of gnarly real life stuff. It deals with kids and teens struggling with a a shitty family life so be aware of that.

Part 4 of ?

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3

Also this chapter was partially inspired by this post  by @sinfulserpents about Billy playing piano. Credit where credit is due.

[additional note: I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.  I’ll make a header image at some point.]

I never really ever felt so adored before Never really ever felt this type of vulnerable Don’t have to hide, don’t have to fear All you have to be is here Never really ever felt so adored before And I said I wanna feel like this forever Even if forever’s just for now We’re on fire, let us burn As the outside world, it turns We are here and alive In our corner of time Forevermore

Hawkins seems to be caught under a heavy blanket of thick gray clouds. Rain is thumping down on the roof of Billy’s car, drumming along to the song coming from his car radio. 

This weather makes Billy miss the California sun extra hard. It just all seems even more dull and boring and — grey. 

He drives along the narrow roads of the town flanked by trees left and right. The therapy session as ended just a few minutes ago though he doesn’t particularly want to go home just yet. It’s saturday which means Neil is home which means all there is for Billy is yelling and looks of utter disgust thrown his way. And though he’s used to it all, he takes the long way home. 

The camaro is his safe place. It feels more like a home than his actual home ever did. It’s solely his. It’s so much more than just a status symbol, it’s his escape. Whenever things at his house get too loud, too much, too hard to handle, he just gets in his car and drives. As far and as long as he can. Far away from the bullshit and the hurt and the toxicity of one Neil Hargrove.

The silhouette of a person appearing in front of him, walking slowly along the side of the road makes him slow down a little. It’s a woman — no, it’s a girl, dragging a large duffle bag. 

Everything inside of Billy screams at him to ignore it. To let this be someone else’s problem. To just keep driving. Keep driving.

As he gets closer though, he catches a glimpse of the girl’s face and suddenly it’s not just a stranger anymore. It’s someone that he kind of knows. Someone that he’s talked to before. It’s someone he’s well aware can use all the help she can possibly get.

So he slows down and comes to a stop beside her.

“ Hey, hey uh — “ fuck what was her name again “ — Alex ? “ 

When she looks up at him, it becomes abundantly clear that she’s been crying. Even with the rain pouring down on her, soaking her down to her bones, there’s no doubt in his mind that she’s been crying. He knows what crying girls look like, seen the red in his mother’s eyes one too many times. She always tried to hide it, play it off as if it was nothing. Hay fever, stress, a sad movie she’d seen. It was always something else but never the truth. Billy used to wonder if she was telling those lies to convince him or herself.

There’s something else about Alex that looks familiar though and it makes Billy’s blood boil. A big bruise colors the side of her cheek in hues of blues and purples. 

“ B — Billy ? “ 

“ Where are you going ? “ he asks through the open window, hoping to god that the raindrops finding their way inside the car won't ruin his seats too much.

She sniffles then looks around as if trying to find the right words floating through the air around her. “ Wherever this road leads, I guess “ 

“ You guess ? Hey aren’t you supposed to be back at home ? “ 

“ HHTCY ? Yeah. But I — I can’t go back now. “ 

“ And why’s that ? “ 

“ None of your business ! “ he can see the tears rising again as she snaps at him. Her hands curl up into fists, gripping tightly to the handle of her duffle bag. 

“ C’mon Alex, get in the car. “ 

“ I can’t go home ! “ 

“ I’m not taking you there! “ 

She hesitates for a moment. When he looks back at him, her eyes lock with his and there’s a silent question in them. He knows the emotions running through her, knows them all too well. They’re ever present in him. Wherever he goes, whatever he does.

She asks if she can trust him. Asks herself more than she asks him. Billy can’t blame her for that. 

“ I promise. “ 

Billy doesn’t make a lot of promises but the one he does make, he wholeheartedly intends to keep. There’s no room in his life for fake promises, he’s been on the receiving end of far too many of those. 

“ I promise to protect you. “ 

“ I promise, we’ll be out of here one day. “ 

“ I promise I’ll be back soon. “ 

They all mean shit and in the end they hurt far more than the truth ever could.

“ I promise, Alex. I don’t break my promises. “ 

He doesn’t know why it suddenly become so important to him to get this girl out of the rain and bring her someplace safe but it does. Maybe it’s because he’s growing soft. Or maybe it’s because he knows the pain she’s feeling, the sadness, the anger. 

Maybe it’s because in that moment she reminds him all too much of himself.

“ Okay. Thank you. “ her words are but a whisper as she walks around the car and slumps down on the passenger seat. 

If this was any other day, Billy would be complaining about her wet clothes against his precious leather seats and her dirty boots propped up against the door. He doesn’t though. Because it isn’t another day. It’s this moment and this lonely broken girl. 

So he swallows his pride, keeps his mouth shut, and drives.

                              “ Holy shit “ 

“ Nice to see you too. “ 

(Y/N) stands by her front door only in a pair of short pajama shorts and an oversized sweater. Her hair is piled on top of her head and yesterday’s makeup is still smudged around her eyes. Earlier, Billy had left before she had even gotten up but seeing her in all her post party glory, he wishes he hadn’t. 

“ I uh — what are you guys doing here ? “ 

“ Can we come in ? “ Billy asks, motioning his head towards a still completely soaked Alex who timidly hides behind his frame.

“ Oh yeah, sure. Please. Alex let me get you a change of clothes and some towels. “ 

As (Y/N) hurries Alex into her bedroom, Billy walks towards the fridge, takes out two cans of Doctor Pepper and sits down on the couch. It’s only the second time he’s been here but it feels weirdly familiar, like he’s been here a thousand times before. He feels comfortable. He feels safe. And maybe that’s why he’s brought Alex here. To make her feel as secure as he does whenever he’s around (Y/N). 

She radiates a warmth he’s never encountered in another person ever before. Not even his mom on good days. It’s like a little ray of California sun captured in a person.

How awfully cheesy.

When the girls return he hands one of the cans to Alex then opens his as she sits down next to him. 

He doesn’t miss the way (Y/N) smirks as she watches him act like this is his home, giving out drinks and making himself comfortable on her couch.

“ So, can I finally ask what’s going on ? “ (Y/N) asks and for a moment no one answers. That is until Billy realizes she’s looking at him, asking him for an answer.

“ Don’t look at me. “ 

“ Well you brought her here. “ 

“ Because I made a promise. “ 

“ Guys, I’m right here, you know ? “ Alex chimes up, taking part in the conversation for the first time since they arrived. As she lifts her head and the hair shifts off of her face, (Y/N) catches sight of the bruise.

“ Oh. “ 

“ It’s nothing. “ 

Oh it all sounds so familiar. He knows those words too well, sure they’ve left his mouth many times before. It’s nothing. It isn’t though. It’s everything.

“ That’s not nothing, Alex “ (Y/N) chimes up, softly taking the girls hands into hers “ what happened ? “ 

“ It doesn’t matter. “ 

But it does matter. It matters a whole lot.

“ Alex, someone hurt you. We have to talk about this. “ (Y/N) tries again.

“ No we don’t ! “ Alex yells, ripping  her hands out of (Y/N)’s “ because if I tell you, you will tell Lydia. Then I won’t be allowed to see my mom anymore and I — I miss her. But I know she won’t stop seeing Kyle so — I promise, it’s nothing. “ 

There’s tears now. There used to be for Billy when he was younger. They made things worse though. Neil doesn’t do well with crying, especially crying boys, especially his crying son. Billy hasn’t cried in a long time. At least not for anyone to see. 

In private, that’s a whole different story.

“ Alex, if I promise you that you will still get to see your mom, will you tell me what happened ? “ 

To his surprise, Alex glances towards Billy, sends him another silent question. Do we trust (Y/N) ? 

Billy nods. He trust her more than pretty much anyone else in his life right now. It fucking scares him.

“ Kyle is my mom’s new boyfriend. He lives with her, I guess. Came home this morning and didn’t like that I was there. That mom and I had fun, kept laughing through his tv show. He smacked me right in the face, told me I was too loud. And mom — mom just stood there. Didn’t do nothing. She just watched, looked at the ground. Then told me to leave. She chose him over me and she will chose him over me any other time too. I miss her though, I want to see her. I do. “ 

Billy’s blood is boiling again, sending hot shivers down his back. He’s pretty sure his lip is drawing blood by how hard he has to bite down on it not to get up and find the guy. Make him feel just as small and helpless and he did this girl. She’s a little girl. You don’t smack around girls, ever. And her mother? God, what a bitch. You’re supposed to love your kid, protect them. Fight their fights for them. 

“ Alex, I need to tell Lydia what happened but I pro — “ 

“ You can’t ! They won’t let me see mom again. “ 

“ I promise you they will. It just won’t be overnight and she won’t get to take you home but you will get to go places together and she will get to come see you. I promise. I promise. “ 

The girl is in her arms in the matter of seconds, holding on to her as if all depends on it, as if she’s the only thing keeping her afloat. Billy thinks that maybe that’s how he’s feeling too. 

He gets up slowly and walks towards the kitchen area, throwing his can in the trash and opening the freezer. “ Knew it. “ 

As he sits back down next to Alex, he holds out a pack of peas, wrapped in a kitchen towel.

“ huh ? “ 

“ Hold them to your bruise, cools it down. The peas work better than anything else cause they take the shape of your face better. Some girl once told me that and she was absolutely right. “ Billy explains and throws (Y/N) a wink as she glances at him over Alex’s head.

As she smiles back at him, he feel it again. That one ray of California sun.

                              Two hours, a lot of tears and several episodes of Happy Days later, Alex is fast asleep on the couch, Luke the cat happily resting on top of her.

The rain has stopped and Billy has resorted to the tiny little balcony that looks out into the woods. It feels tranquil here, almost like time stops. Though his insides are a whole nother story. Fury is still brewing inside him only waiting for the inevitable eruption. 

He’s used to swallowing his anger when it’s about him. He’s used to ignoring the facts that he shouldn’t be in the situation he’s in. So fucking used to being miserable all the times. So much so that at this point it’s become his default. 

It’s a different story when it happens to someone else though. He can’t just stand there and pretend like this is okay. Like her mother isn’t a full on trash person for not protecting her daughter, for choosing some dude’s micro dick over her own flesh and blood. And the guy ? He doesn’t even want to think about him. Thinking too much about it would only fuel the fire that’s already threatening to burn everything to the ground.

The balcony doors slide open then close again. Billy doesn’t need to turn around to know who comes to stand beside him. She brings a warmth wherever she goes. 

For a moment they don’t speak, just soaking up the fresh air still thick with a promise of more rain to come. It’s not cold out yet but the wind sends a chill down (Y/N)’s skin and makes her move just a little closer towards Billy so that her arm just merely brushes his.

Billy takes one last drag from his cigarette before he stubbs it out and throws it down over the railing. 

“ Sorry I didn’t warn you. I just — she didn’t want to go home and I didn’t know where to bring her. “ 

His voice is deep and husky and he tries to hide his emotions but he knows they’re shining through. 

“ Don’t apologize. You did the right thing ! “ 

“ Yeah ? “ he turns to face her. There’s absolutely no uncertainty in her eyes. None. It’s something he appreciates about her. (Y/N) doesn’t do things half-assed. No half assed hugs. No half assed friendships. No half assed caring. No uncertainty. 

Billy however, feels awfully uncertain about — well everything. 

“ Obviously, Billy. You got her out of a shitty situation and you did what was right. You made her a promise and you kept it. You made her trust you and you didn’t break her trust. What you did was right ! What you did was very sweet . “ 

Billy scoffs out a humorless laugh “ sweet huh? Billy Hargrove, local asshole, doing the right thing for once in his life. Shout it from the rooftops, people. Put it on the front page, it doesn’t happen much. “ 

“ Would you stop “ 

“ It’s true, (Y/N). I fuck everything up I — I’m gonna fuck this up at some point sooner or later “ he says and motions between them two “ I haven’t yet but I will, I just know it. “ 

“ Is that really what you think ? “ (Y/N) questions, softly placing her hand on Billy’s arm though he quickly pulls away, lunging into another rant. 

“ It’s what I do, (Y/N). I almost fucked it up earlier. When she told us what happened, I wanted to punch something. The guy, preferably. I wanted to destroy something. I’m angry. All the time. All the time, (Y/N), and that just put a cherry on top. She’s just a kid. Who punches a kid ? And for what ? For laughing ? For doing what kids do, what they should be allowed to do. It just won’t make sense. She’s a little girl, for fucks sake. And her mother ? Just stands there and watches. She knows what happens. She knows. “ 

And suddenly it’s not about the girl on the couch anymore. 

“ She knows so why did she leave ? It must be because I fuck things up. It must be. There’s no way. There’s just no way she — “ 

He doesn’t finish the sentence. He can’t. His words become a blubbering mess as the tears cloud his vision. Billy Hargrove hasn’t cried to anyone but his pillow in what feels like forever. Because there was no one there who would’ve cared. To not judge him for it or make him feel less manly. All that ever came with tears was more anger, more resentment, more pain.

It’s different now though because as soon as the first tear falls, he’s engulfed by a warmth he hasn’t felt in so long. He buries his head in the crook of (Y/N) neck, her hair sheltering him from the world. She’s warm and soft and comfortable. Crying doesn’t make him feel vulnerable or angry. It doesn’t scare him. It’s cathartic. 

“ You’re gonna be okay, Billy. “ (Y/N) says and pulls away slightly as his tears start to slow down.

He doesn’t want to be okay though. He wants to be good. He wants to be grand. 

As she takes his face in between her hands and brushes back some of his hair, he can see her eyes are glossed over. The emotions he’s feeling, she’s feeling too. Feeling with him. He doesn’t think anyone has cared this much in a long time.

She smiles again, so soft, so gentle, it’s hardly a smile at all. And yet, he thinks right then, that maybe it’s not just one ray of sunlight, maybe it’s the entire sun. 

                              They bring Alex home later that day but Billy comes back to (Y/N)’s place. You don’t just cry to someone about your fucked up childhood and then leave. There’s no manual for it but Billy is fairly sure that’s not how this works.

He stays until Sunday afternoon, eating pizzas and watching stupid tv shows. He watches her do her hair, listens to her sing, just experiences her day to day life and something in him changes. He wishes he could have this. A home that doesn’t feel like a prison. A place where he can be himself. Free. Safe. Happy. 

When he leaves, neither of them mentions that moment on the balcony. Some things you don’t need to say, to talk about. Some things you just feel.

                              It’s monday after school when Billy arrives back at HHTCY. (Y/N) isn’t there yet so he changes into his “uniform” and checks his schedule for where exactly he has to be to help set up.

“ Room 322 “ 

It’s not a room he’s familiar with but what he does know, is that it’s located in the newer section of the place. There’s a gym there too and an auditorium for when they have little festivals or the kids put on plays. 

Soon enough Billy finds himself pushing open the doors to room 322. It’s a large room and ar first all he notices is a few rows of chairs on one side of the room, that is until he walks inside a little further. At the other end of the room, there’s all kinds of instruments. A drumset sits in the corner, several guitars are resting against the wall, flutes and clarinets and trombones are placed neatly in a shelf.

And then there’s the piano.

It’s stuck right in the middle of the room surrounded by all the other instruments on one side and the chairs on the other. Made from a dark wood it shines in the harsh light of the ceiling lamp.

As Billy walks closer, memories from his childhood pop up like ghosts in a christmas movie. Taunting him with what once was. Teasing him with what could have been. What could still be.

He remembers one time when he was maybe 7 and dad had a proper job for a while. They had moved to a really nice house that had big sliding windows leading out onto the beach and the ocean. Mom was happy then. Probably happier than he’d ever seen her. Before and after.

She had a piano there and she always played it. Always. She kept the windows open and let Billy play by the water. He could hear her music all the way down to the beach. 

He loved to watch her play. There was a smile in the corner of her lips whenever she played. A secret smile reserved for only the music. Her fingers moved over the keys so elegantly. Like they were dancing.

Billy loved to watch and he loved to listen. So much so, that he memorized her exact movements. Memorized each small little gesture. He knew just by watching and listening, what keys to press at what time to create which sound. 

Billy Hargrove taught himself to play piano by ear without even knowing or realizing it. Solely and purely to be able to remember the magic his mother brought to those days at the beach when things were happy and the secret smile was still there in the corner of her lips.

They didn’t live there for very long and things got way worse after that and the piano was sold to put food on the table and the secret smile was gone and never seen again.

Slowly his feet drag him towards the instrument, like he has no real control over them. His mom always had a certain gift of creating magic in a moment with just pushing down a few keys on the piano. She captured all the best things about life in one short melody. 

Billy despises his dad for taking that away from her. For taking away the magic and the smile. For making her leave. 

When he sits down by the piano, Billy closes his eyes and tries to remember the days of summer. Tries to remember sitting by the open window and watching his mom play. Play and smile. He tries to remember the sound of the songs and the movements of her fingers. 

It feels like it happened just yesterday and in another life altogether.

His fingers begin to move along the keys trying to remember, trying so hard to recall. 

And before he knows what happens really, he plays. A soft melody echoes around the room and for a fleeting moment it feels like he succeeds in capturing the magic just the way his mother did. 

Only he’s still Billy Hargrove. Local asshole. Broken boy with daddy and mommy issues who always fucks things up for everyone. There’s no magic in him. Maybe there used to be when he was a kid with big blue eyes and an imagination and an innocent heart. 

His fingers stop moving and he lifts his head and opens his eyes, expecting to find a big empty room void of all magic.

Only he doesn’t. 

He’s met with a pair of eyes sparkling at him and that one of a kind sunshine smile that he’s grown so fucking fond of in the last few days.

Her eyes are so soft and kind and there’s no judgement in them and yet Billy feels insanely insecure. He’s never showed this to anyone. Never let anyone but his mom know that he was able to play.

It feels more intimate than sex ever did. This is stripping down on a whole new level.

“ I uh — sorry I didn’t — I “ he doesn’t really know what to say. 

“ Don’t apologize. That was amazing. I didn’t know you could play. “ 

Truth be told, until just then Billy believed he had forgotten how to do it. And really, he can’t play he just mimics what his mom used to do. All theory, that’s completely lost on him. He just knows how to do the songs his mom used to play. Put a sheet of music in front of him and he’s hopeless.

“ I only know a few songs. The ones I heard as a kid. “ 

“ Heard ? You play this by ear ? “ 

He shrugs “ — and eyes I guess. Watched my mom do it. “ 

“ That’s incredible Billy. Can you — can you play another one ? “ 

Her voice has never been so soft with him, as if she’s afraid of breaking him should she talk any louder. And truth be told she just might. 

There’s a song his mom always used to play, it’s hidden in the corner of Billy’s mind but he knows he can play it. Remembers it so vividly. It was in some cheesy Audrey Hepburn movie his mom made him watch with her one day. From the moment she heard that song she was enchanted by it, tried to buy ever cover version she could find on vinyl and made it her mission to learn how to play it on piano.

He didn’t like the Audrey version all that much. The one his mom played though, he loved that one. Loves it. Present tense.

So he closes his eyes again and plays, he’s rusty at first but soon enough his fingers glide along the keys creating music. Creating magic, maybe ? 

He knows there is magic though, when a voice starts to sing along. It’s soft and quiet at first but as the song continues she seems to get more comfortable. More sure of herself. 

Billy feels that in that moment when she’s sitting down beside him on the piano bench, singing along to the song he’s playing for her, the song his mom used to play, that magic is present in all of it. There’s enchantment in the way she softly touches his shoulder. How she giggles when she doesn’t hit the note just right. How she makes him feel so effortlessly at home right there with her. Making music. Making magic.

The song ends and Billy turns to her then opens his eyes and oh god she’s so close. She’s so close he can see the different colored specks in her eyes creating one pool of kindness and wonder. He can feel the tip of her nose against his and her breath on his skin.

There’s so much he wants to say and yet no words would ever suffice. 

The words of the song keep echoing in his head, louder and louder with each heartbeat, each breath mingling, each soft touch of her fingers against his shoulder. 

“ Two drifters off to see the world. “ 

“ (Y/N) — “ he says, trying to even his breath, calm his heart.

“ Hmm ? “ 

“ When’s your birthday ? “ 

“ Friday three weeks from now “ 

He nods then leans in closer, and closer. 

Only to pull away when the heavy doors open and a gaggle of kids rush into the room.

And the moment is gone. 

And the magic is gone. 

Only it’s still there. Hidden in the corner of his lips, a secret smile meant just for her. 

                              Taglist:

@babygal-babygal / @anxiousamandapanda / @imjusthereforsupernatural / @chhhcherybomb / @tomarisela / @noodlenerd101 / @xxcxrolinexx

[riskeith]

omg i’m the same way HAHA. being the imposter makes me super anxious i’m the worst type of player i usually just end up leaving those games... doing the tasks and solving the mystery of who’s the imposter is pretty fun tho.. :p (i’m gonna try it out and let you know my thoughts.. you’ve never let me down before so i trust on you this too!)

THREE MONTHS? holy shit wow, that’s perfect 🥺 i’m soooo happy for you, are you planning on doing anything fun during those months? also i think this is like our summer break, which is so cool to see You guys get that during winter instead. so when school starts in three months you’ll be in your second year right? but yeah you absolutely deserve that god especially now with the shit that is online school 🤕

i love warmth so no complaining actually. even now it’s like 1-3 degrees celsius but i’m still feeling super cold haha. is summer your favorite season?

YES detective conan. the one and only. id love for u to check it out—even if it’s just one episode. if you like the aesthetics of 90’s anime this will be perfect., haha. it just has the cool mystery vibes with fun characters and conan is the Best. also, thank u for the recommendation i’ll absolutely check it out i’m a such a podcast fiend... (i love how in every one of these letters we just recommend each other stuff lmao)

shut up. u are literally the coolest. like outside ur amazing writing skills you draw and edit beautifully too? and you know language and study biomed which is so difficult so aaaah? big brained girl. i’m such a big fan. have you ever considered working in japan or things like that?

ohhh, i actually feel bad for u 🥺 the best part of uni imo is just walking around campus and emerging yourself in that scene. there’s something so... powerful being in an area with so many diverse students just studying or walking around. i miss it a lot as i’ve been in online school since march. we got the green light around september when the new semester started but we literally only got to go 3 times before they shut schools down again, yikes. i really really really hope you get to experience it soon though!!! 🥺 (oh no not orientation the goodies are the best part 😭 #getclunahergoodies2k21)

you read the manga???? wow!! that’s so cool, what are your thoughts on it? i thinking about reading it as well when i’m done with this season. :p anyway YES. aesthetic wise they just look... fucking good together. absolutely valid. if you remember the particular scene i’d love to see it haha!

SHE DID SIGN THAT. fuck these women are literally gonna be canon right in front of our eyes i cannot wait. 🥺 stop this made me miss the show sooo much we need it back asap 🥺

callum is just what sokka would’ve been like if he had bending. some even theorize that he’s gonna tap in to multiple primal sources so i guess that makes him sokka as the avatar HAHA. also, what’s interesting is that we’ll see soren and claudia take different stances now and watch how their relationship will pan out. i have a feeling their relationship will become a big part of the future seasons where they’ll have to adapt to these changes... hm

omg u are so sweet.. ♥️ then i’ll continue sending these for sure. as long as u are happy.. ♥️ hope you slept well!!!

AHHAA you just straight up leave if you’re imposter? omgggg that energy 😩 (yes pls lmk!! also please be super careful with your account and don’t share you UID anywhere publicly, there’s lots of issues with hacking and stuff so orz)

3 months yeppppp!! and yeah this is our summer break so :)) unfortunately i need to spend it studying for an exam in march, tho i haven’t done much studying thus far if i’m being honest 🤔 aside from that, i’m just gonna be chilling and catching up on a lot of shows! after watching tdp i finished she ra (so good. cried.) and i need to watch parasite sometime soon~

omg 1-3 deg C... i would NOT be able to handle that lol the coldest it gets here is like 9-10.. stay strong 💪 ahahah. spring is my favourite! summer used to be, but bc global warming (yikes) it gets way too hot to handle sometimes ahhh

i’ll def check detective conan out! my teacher mentioned it was something we could watch to practise japanese but i never gave it a go, but now i have incentive 🤪 i’ll let you know what i think! pls tell me how you feel about casefile too if you check it out! (what can i say? legendary.)

FHDSKJFHSDKJDS you’re making me blush nooooooooooo 😳😳😳😳😳😳 thank you!! i try my best 😭 and no I haven’t! i’m a big homebody and i really do like it here, so i’d prefer to stay. (we don’t *really* get natural disasters here either so. peace of mind lmao)

aw that sounds so good... i did really like the vibes on my first and only day! the weather was super good too and it made me feel excited to be at uni and Grown up AHHAAH. i hope I get to experience it next year too!! (#GETMEMYGOODIES2K21!!)

i like it!! horikoshi (the mangaka)’s style is soooooooo nice i just love looking at his drawings ahaha it’s super satisfying.

and here’s the panel!! (got rid of the text bc spoilers LOL)

but LOOK... them.. they.... i love them sm 😭😭😭

!!! they got renewed for like 4 new seasons right? congrats to them i can’t wait!

yesss i was gonna say that too but wasn’t sure if i should bc ofc even tho sokka has no bending in atla he’s still such a capable character and strong person...  glad we were thinking the same tho! yess the contrast between them and who they’re fighting with/for will def be interesting... kinda gave me zuko & azula vibes as well lmao 

<3333 thank you! no clue what time it is for you.... hope you have? a good night’s rest too? ahaha c:

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 3

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 61: Writing this in the afternoon on day 62. An exercise driven day. Two walks and stair climb as usual plus I popped round Jeff’s early evening. First time I’ve been to his house, 1 Garden Row, Elmington. It’s further than I thought so, with walking there an back, I managed a daily total of 14km. It was good to see him and have a social (but social-distanced) beer. When I got home, @9:45pm, I made thai green chicken curry, watch The Report (a great, if worrying film) and then TikTok-ed until gone 5am!

Day 62: Typing this on day 64! Beer round Karen’s. Missed Sam’s quiz.

Day 63: Typing this on day 64! Beer round Karen’s. Again! Well, it is bank holiday Monday! Had dirty pizza for tea and watched The Heat. Again! It is the most piss funny film.

Day 64: Well, I have been feeling guilty about treatung the bank holiday w/e l;ike a bank holiday w/e. It’s dawned on me that that guilt is way too self-disiciplned. I got up about midday, usual two walks and stair climb but that’s it. I need to clean the house from top to bottom, get on top of my online courses, get the garden done, get the car fixed, go shopping…fucking hell - if only I had the time…

Day 65: Today I swapped Amazon prime free trial for about the 5th time in my life. Same card and address - will they get wind of my skullduggery. This is all so I can finish watching Hunters and catch Homecoming S2. I went shopping at Asda near Raunds. I wish I hadn’t, it’s no good for a comprehensive shop. Received an email from RCI inviting me to a Zoom meeting with Pal Mulcahy for a business update. I fear the worst. And it’s at 10:00am, FFS!

Day 66: Logged in an attended zoom forum with Paul Mulcahy and over 250 RCI staff this morning. The message was that there is going to be redundancies. I expected this and expected to fall victim. All staff that are going to be put through cionsultation would be contacted today. I however wasn’t! Very, very surpised. meanwhile, Nick Reilly asked to connect via LinkedIn (including become a LinkedIn staff team member -  that’s new to me so I’ll see what it is but I accepted the invitation) Later, I WhatsApp-ed him and asked who has been affected from IT. All he could tell me was no one on Jon Rodger’s team is under threat. Also, Mark C emailed - I’ll respond tomorrow. I got up at 09:00ish and had my mornming walk before the 10:00am meeting. I am now, at 09:30pm, fucking knackered. Dinner and then bed, methinks but not before one more episdoe of Hunters!

Day 67: Typing on Day 68. Got pretty drunk last night. I’ve got blisters from walking (new boots) so I don’t think I’ll walk tomorrow (well, today!).

Day 68: I did fuck all today. Got up after 1pm, no walking. I did manage to clean the bathroom (and smash my little mirror) and do my 26 stair climb. I am typing at 9pm and I feel whacked!

Day 69: I have an abscess. It’s not too painful (today) but I am going to call the dentist tomorrow (Monday). I think antibiotics are in order. I watched a film, which I actually started yesterday, called The Voices starring Ryan Reynolds, Gemma Arteton and Anna Kendrick. Fuuuuuuuuuuuucking weird. The closing credits are the most bizarre, in context, I’ve ever seen. But, in general, a very good film. Back to normal exercise regime today plus hovered the hall and stairs. Get me. It’ll be interetingh to see my Google Fit figures for May tomorrow.

Day 70: Contacted the dentist who advised salt water rinsing and ibuprofen. But, tbf, it’s a lot better today and the swelling has gone right down. The dentist I called was the Oundle House (Rodericks) one. I was not hopeful since last time I saw them they referred me to their Northampton clinic for root canal work which was quoted at over £600. However, the dentist was very nice, had my x-ray to hand from that last visit and seemed more interested in making sure I’m OK than gaining a paying customer. He still wants to see me when possible though! I must mention the weather. It has been glorious weather nearly every day throughout May (it’s June 1st today). Seriously sunny and like a holiday every day. The news mentioned it today - the level of sunshine throughout the transition from spring to summer is unprecedented, apparently. My T shirt tan is, quite frankly, ridiculous!

Day 71: Today’s ‘must mention’ is what’s going on in the US and it’s not particularly related to Trump. There was a black man killed while under arrest. George Floyd died Monday 25th May (8 days ago) A policeman, who knelt on his neck for minutes while he complained of not being able to breathe, has been charged with murder. Now there are riots and curfews and military intervention all over the country. It’s similar to the English riots of 2011. It’s worrying, sad, scary and not what the fight against the pandemic needs. Most of all, it’s racism rearing its ugly head yet again. I’ve had a normal-ish day. received an email from Jim checking in, talked to a recruiter about a promising job lead (although the hours are 8-5 which I am not happy about), talked to Barry across the road and sent Barzzy a WhatsApp. And I logged in Shaw Academy and started lesson one of module 2 of web Design. It’s been a while, so long overdue, but I only did about 15 minutes. Must try harder / do better! As I type, late (10:10pm) I have dinner cooking and a strange pain in my left side and am in the middle of No Country for Old Men. Don’t think I’ve seen it since the cinema (13 years!)

Day 72: As soon as (well, within a couple of days) I mention the weather, it turns. It’s rained a little and is a lot cooler (15° rather than mid-20s). Much better for walking, I have to say. I finished Hunters today (Amazon Prime series). While I enjoyed it, it got too surreal at the end. It is loosely based on the real story of Nazi hunters in the US in 1977 but the straying from loosely based to down-right ridiculous fiction annoyed me. If it goes to S2, I will watch it, however. Received some of my rental deposit back today (the law changed so that only 5 weeks rent can be demanded as deposit). Over £600. Nice.

Day 73: I made a short video for Marc and Clare’s 26th wedding anniversary. I ‘dressed up’ for it. I enjoyed doing it and I think it was appreciated.

Day 74: Typing on Day 75 for no other reason than I couldn’t be bothered on day 74! I received a letter either today or the day before (well, yesterday or the previous day!) from Mr Minos at the eye clinic informing me that, while there is some stuff going on in both eyes (garnered from the photo scans done at the last hospital appointment), he wants to see me in three months. Always a refief when that happens. Been getting into two series on Amazon: Alex Rider and Modern Love. One is a male Hanna, the other is soppy affairs of the heart based on real life stories (from essays written in the NY Times). Both enjoyable for totally different reasons.

Day 75: Lazyish day. Well, not really, just that I only went for one walk, alebit 6km andI got pissed on. Wehn the rain hit, it was also fucking freezing! Some of the clouds were stunning today, made for great photos. As I type, it’s 21:12, I’m listening the wonderful Phoebe Bridgiers. Now, I’m gonna make some tea and sup a few ales, I reckon.

Day 76: Done lots of walking today (over 13,000 steps) I made sausage casserole with too much chilli (scotch bonnet and birdeye). I had an online (fb) debate with Sam over whether the George Floyd murder was a racial.

Day 77: Received a new (used) wing mirror for the car. £18 with delivery, I reckon that’s a bargain. I cashed in £20 from Prolific as well, so I’m satisfied at the financial full-circle. Dropped the car off at Barnwell (Nene Valley Body Shop) and walked back - 7km. Just about to dive into tea - finishing the blazing hot sausage casserole from yesterday. Then I’m going to do some more Rubik’s cube practice with my recently acquired GoCube.

Day 78: Lots of daily walking, 26 stair climb, press-up and late nights watching TikTok (gone 3am this morning) are making for a constantly knackered Tim Stubbs. Today I made veg soup and cooked up some meatballs. Both are delish. How did I ever to learn how to conjure up such stuff? The Rubik’s cube learning is coming along except that I need good daylight to distinguish between the yellow and white faces on the flipping thing!

Day 79: Listening to Radio 6 most the day and the news is making for dire listening. Forecast of severe recession, especially if there is a second peak of the virus, which I think there will be. Plus, an offshoot of the George Floyd murder and the #BlackLivesMatter movement, institutions and town councils are being lobbied by campaigners to remove statues of anyone associated with things like slavery (one was toppled in Bristol at the w/e) and rename buildings etc. that were named after historical characters with any links to something that now is deemed wrong or offensive. I agree with it but it’s not pleasant to hear amongst other bleak news. Walked to Barnwell to collect my car - front trim reseated and new wing mirror fitted, £20 - bargain (I source the replacement wing mirror). But, also, forked out £165 on car tax! Cleaned the lounge from top to bottom. Knackering!

Day 80: Chatted with Dad and Rita - he’s pissed off with the slavery backlash but otherwise they are both OK. I saw Baz in the Tesco queue where I mentioned my disgust at the Thursday market being allowed (I found I could not maintain 2m at all times just walking to Tesco’s!) and that I really don’t want to catch Covid19 as I will probably die. Maybe a bit dramatic but he messaged me later today to say he’d been thinking on what I said and offered to shop for me. I replied that I am OK to shop but am scared at how people are taking things so much less seriously than when lockdown started yet the virus is still out there just as it was then! I am very touched at his massage. I thoroughly cleaned the bedroom and changed the bedclothes today. House work really knackers me out!

Day 81: Spare room cleaned today. Not much else to type about. It’s Friday, I making curried mince and I don’t feel like a beer. How I’ve changed!

Day 82: I did have beers last night. Ended up going to bed with daylight and dawn chorus for company. Today, when I woke, gone 1pm, I have been greeted by what can only be described as thoroughly depressing news from every quarter. This includes violence in the capital, further virus outbreak in Beijing. Fog’s political posts on FB make for depressing (but vaild) reading. I’m feeling thoroughly fed up today. Not even music can lift my mood…

…but, I am currently listening to Craig Charles on BBCR6 and, I have to say, he’s putting in quite an exceptional effort - there may be hope that my mood might lift, even at gone 8pm! I might have a beer or two and grab something postivity and enjoyment from the day after all.

Day 83: Another late one last night but up before noon today. Started watching something called Condor on Sky One. It’s OK - there’s stuff I wanna waytch on Amazon Prime but, more often than not, it keeps telling me there’s ‘a problem’ when I try to play anything. Pissing me off. I just checked and I have two weeks of the initial 12 of furlough to go. I shall started asking the questions about what might happen on the Connections website.

Day 84: Typing this on Day 85. On the way back from dropping off some shoes for Sean Davies at his brother’s (martin) I met Karen and she said why not pop round for a beer so I did. Certainly not used to a drink on a Monday so that, and the genral upheaval to my evening, while good fun and a nice change, put pay to my usual diary entry! I sorted Amazon Prime out by leaving the TV turned off for over an hour. Day 85: Tim did the garden today and it looks great. The pipes in the bathroom have been knocking loudly, on and off, for a couple of weeks now. Last night, they were so loud that today I took it upon myself to resolve it or ring Woodfords. So, having turned off the water, run the taps dry to get rid of any trapped air and then turned the water back on slowly, I discoved it’s the cistern and its pipes. Woodfords are arranging Corvee to visit. Meanwhile, leaving the water turned off at least stops the noise which is, otherwise, costant and unbearable! I emailed HR a couple of days ago about what’s happening in a couple of weeks time in terms of furlough when the 12 weeks will be up. Sue Cockimngs got back to me attaching an email Deryn sent on 15th May which I never received. Basically, they’ll extend furlough if need be and an update should be forthcoming late May/early June. Well, that time has passed, so who knows what is going to happen. The furlough scheme (CJRS) has been changed by the govenment, I’ve read, and it looks like any new people would have to have been furloughed by June 10th (it’s the 16th today) so no furlough rotation, which is annoying. The CJRS ends 1st October with employer contributions required from 1st August - that’s D-Day as far as I am concerned….so job hunting will have to step up a notch! Day 86: Pete’s birthday and he bought himself the same speaker as me. When I asked if it lived up to his expectations he mentioned it’s better through WiFi than Bluetooth. That confused me as I haven’t got WiFi available on mine…..long story short, I bought the wrong fucking speaker. I got a AudioPro AddOn T10 instead of C10. To say I am fucked off is an understatement. To think I was so pleased at the cheap price I paid. Now I feel like I have wasted  €200. Bollocks.

Day 87: Finished Alex Rider last night. Another series that started off so well and ended a litte weak but, overall, not bad. I’ve started keeping strange meal times…lunch very late (4pm) and dinner really late (11pm). I need to sort it ‘cos it’s playing havoc with my sugar levels. I had a huge hypo while having my second walk today, second day on the trot that’s happened. My late dinner was Chinese chicked curry with a quarter of a scotch bonnet and two birdeye chillies. Delish.

Day 88: I have managed to be bitten yesterday or the day before on one of my walks. There are strange, itchy lumps on my right inner forearm. And I do mean itchy. I trimmed my sideburns today, I was very pissed off with them. My hair looks just a little less shit. I did a shop at Tesco in Corby today. Mainly booze as follows: 20 cans Sam Miguel £18 18 cans Stella £15 20 bottles Bud £10 8 cans Tyskie £9 3 lrg bottles Warsteiner £5 £57 Bargain.

Day 89: Lazy day. One short walk and usual stair climb. Howard and Sue popped round to give me a pressie - bottle of Monkey Shoulder. I’m building up quite a collection of whisky!

Day 90: Dad called and we chatted for an hour or so. I had to apologise for not sending a father’s day card! Dan messaged me and offered to pay for a pizza delivery which I declined.

Football has started again this past week…Prem and Championship only. L1 and L2 season was cut short and Posh missed out on the play-offs by one place. As I type, Everton v Liverpool is on Sky Sports on a Sunday evening - it’s very strange with no crowd. There’s crowd noise being played thorugh the tannoy.