#THIS SCENE right here is where I permanently lost my mind

[lord-aldhelm]

HAPPY MERCIAN MONDAY!

unhinged feralness in the tags....

[spideyjimin]

Wait for your love | jjk (teaser)

—  pairing: firefighter!jungkook x female reader 

—  genre: kind of exes to lovers, parents au, angst, fluff, and smut 

— rating: 18+ 

—  summary: sixteen years ago, your life was turned upside down when you surrendered to the temptation — none other than jungkook, the star basketball player on your school’s team. today, after all that time, you reunite under tragic circumstances; a car crash where he saves your life.

—  words: 577

—  author’s note: here you have the teaser of the fic i’m currently working on 🤗 you have a tiny little teaser below & i hope you’ll enjoy it ❤️

—  tag list: let me know in any way if you want to be tagged when i post this and if you are part of my permanent taglist, you will automatically be added ✨

Jungkook and his team got called for a car accident involving several cars, and when they arrived, the scene was horrific.

There are probably five cars pressed and smashed one against the other. There are people injured and bleeding walking around the scene. Paramedics are already taking care of them, but Jungkook is walking to the cars to retrieve the people stuck inside. His captain screams orders and tells him which car he should go to.

His eyes look around, his heart breaking when he sees everyone involved and still stuck in their cars. Visions like this are quite common for him, it doesn’t happen all the time but it’s still recurrent. At the end of the day, his job is to save people in this type of situation.

When he reaches the car, he was assigned to, he takes a look at how many people there are inside. There’s just one person, a woman behind the steering wheel. She has her hand on her head, clearly showing that she might have a headache. She doesn’t really move. Instantly, Jungkook tries to open the door, but it’s showing a bit of resistance.

It feels impossible to open the door, but Jungkook sees the woman’s head falling. He’s getting worrier; she’s slumping into sleep which isn’t a good sign as she was holding her head barely seconds ago. He then proceeds to break the window so he can try to open it from inside. There are other possible ways, but it would be harder and more dangerous to get her out of the vehicle.

“Ma’am,” he says with urge.

Eventually, he manages to open the damn door from the inside. A good part of the car’s front is crashing into her. Before even thinking of taking her out, he places a cervical collar to protect her neck and spine.

“Ma’am,” he repeats. “Can you hear me?”

She doesn’t answer at all. Jungkook gets closer, his fingers brushing the hair from her face, but when he finally gets to properly see the woman’s face, his heart skips a beat. This woman is none other than you. His mind can’t start to get lost in the past right now. He needs to focus on taking you out of the car.   

You’re in pretty bad shape.

There’s blood on your forehead, you most probably have a wound on top of your head. There’s also blood at the level of your stomach, turning your green shirt into a very dark color. He can distinguish a big fragment of glass shoved into your belly. It doesn’t look good. Your legs are also completely smashed by the front, causing the steering wheel to be very close to your body.  Hopefully, your legs aren’t too injured. He doesn’t even want to start thinking about all the bruises on your body.

Slowly, he places one hand behind your back while his other hand slowly pushes your legs. He’s trying to be as careful as possible to avoid causing any other injury.  His strong arms hold you once he manages to fully remove you from the car. His eyes look down at your face with evident pain. He notices how you’re trying to open your eyes which makes him think that you’re trying to fight the urge to fall asleep.

“Yn,” he says while walking to an ambulance. “Please, stay with me,” he whispers with despair. “I’ve finally found you, and I can’t lose you right away.”

[thehighladywrites]

I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater…

Pairing: azriel x reader, the ic, lucien and elain, and helion mentioned

Summary: angst, no happy ending for him, a bit ooc azriel bc he’s an absolute ass in this. also I can’t make elain the villain bc I love her. bittersweet ending, cassian and feyre being the most wonderul people ever. some swearing, like a tiiiiiny nsfw scene, like it barely counts, but i’ll warn you anyways.

Author’s note: yeah, this was inspired by heather, so definitely listen to it while reading💔 i just think this was the perfect day👀 never again am i writing angst, plus i might have been a bit dramatic when said this was gut-wrenching, i don’t think this was very angsty, just a bit tragic. but i hate angst so any angst is gut-wrenching in my eyes🤷🏽‍♀️ also there’s no revenge better than rising above…

Word count: 6,5 k words

If you see any grammar errors or spelling mistakes, no you didn’t ❤️

"Y/n, I practically hear your teeth chattering. Here, wear this." Azriel removed his sweater, passing it to you with a hint of concern in his eyes. You bit the inside of your lip to keep from smiling, he was always so thoughtful and observant. It was on of the reasons you fell in love with him.

"It's okay, Az, you'll freeze." You attempted to return the warm clothes, but he firmly pushed them back, fixing you with a stare that left no argument.

"I won't freeze. You know I'm used to this weather. Bet you miss your old home right about now." He alluded to your home court, The Day Court where the sun always shines, and standing on the balcony on a crisp December morning doesn't make your fingers feel like they'll fall off.

You arrived in Velaris to assist with document translations, given your expertise. Your services were in high demand across various courts. And initially, a month-long stay extended to two, then three. Eventually, enchanted by Velaris and its people, you asked Helion if you could make it your permanent home. The support of your friends added to the whole experience.

You slid into Azriel's warm sweater, feeling its comforting embrace. The fabric whispered tales of comfort and safety, an unspoken promise against the biting cold. As you adjusted to the newfound warmth, your heart felt a different heat—one that spoke against the unspoken feelings you had towards him. The subtle scent of his cologne lingered, intertwining with the softness of the fabric, creating a scent that seemed to make your heart flutter twice as hard. In that moment, you couldn't help but let the warmth of the sweater mirror the warmth within you.

“ Feel better?” You nodded, avoiding his eyes in fear that he’d be able to see the emotions portrayed on your face.

“ Thanks, Az. For the sweater and all. It’s really warm.”

The corner of his lips twitched as his eyes remained on you, “Keep it. It looks better on you than it ever did me anyways.”

He grabbed your hand before you could respond and walked back in, closing the balcony doors. Stuck between friends and something more, you felt lost. Wanting to confess your feelings to Azriel but scared it could mess things up, you were torn. The shared laughs felt like good friends, but those lingering looks sparked a longing for more. Balancing this act, you wrestled with risking the friendship for a shot at something deeper. In the middle of all this, you were standing there, not sure which way to go.

As you hesitated walking further with him, Azriel noticed you stopped walking and furrowed his brow. "Hey, what's up?" he asked, his eyes reflecting genuine concern.

You wanted to tell Azriel how you felt, but doubts held you back. As you looked at him, the sweater felt heavy with unsaid words. You wondered if it's better to say what's on your mind or keep it to yourself. Fear answered for you as you shook your head and gave him a reassuring smile.

——————

Later that day, during dinner, Azriel asked you to meet him in the upstairs library while your friends were distracted, to which you accepted, head spinning at the possibilities.

In the quiet sanctuary of the library, the air thick with unreadable energy, Azriel's eyes met yours. Without a word, he closed the distance and gently pressed his lips to yours, a silent acceptance of the feelings that had lingered in the unspoken spaces between you. The unexpected kiss marked a sweet transition between friendship and the uncharted territory of something more.

——————

For over a year, you and Azriel kept things under wraps, not really calling it a relationship. It was a secret, a kind of unspoken understanding. The stolen moments and shared looks formed the backbone of whatever it was between you. You regularly fell in each other’s beds and spent intimate moments together. There was however one specific night you’d always cherish.

You were in his bed, cuddling after he gave you yet another amazing time. Your legs were h thrown over his hips as you occasionally kissed his plushy lips. He held you tighter and ran his hand under your sweater. His eyes were lidded as he whispered intimately,

“ This sweater looks so fucking good on you, please never take it off. I’ve never given anything to another woman, but there’s something special about you. I love it when you wear it, like a reminder that you’re mine. No one else will wear it.” He pulled you closer and kissed your neck and collarbones. His hot breath made yours hitch as he fondled with your stiffened nipples.

Your attempt to come up with a response faltered as he brushed over another sensitive area, prompting a moan to escape your lips.

————————————

But as time passed, the lack of clarity started to wear on you. The hidden nature of it all was both a source of comfort and frustration. You yearned for more, a real relationship, a label to put on what you had with Azriel.

But with the war and Feyre's sisters entering the scene, everything got complicated. Your attention got scattered, and the chaos made the unspoken thing with Azriel less of a priority for a while.

————————————

After the traumatic and bloody war, you tried to seek Azriel for comfort, but he busied himself with Elain. His focus seemed to be on her, making it hard to find a moment to reconnect. The situation left you feeling unsure about where things stood between you two.

As the days went by, you noticed Elain entering Azriel's world completely, capturing his attention in a way that left you filled with jealousy and pit growing in your stomach. Her presence became a subtle intrusion, and the shared moments that were once exclusively yours now seemed to be scattered between you and her. The laughter and conversations, once intimate, now carried a different tone, a rushed tone to hurry away to Elain. A pang of jealousy crept into your heart, and the undefined nature of your connection with Azriel began to feel more fragile. The fear of losing him to someone else tugged at your emotions, leaving you questioning the unspoken relationship you had shared for so long.

You couldn’t even blame him. Elain was a sight for sore eyes, a beautiful girl with an even more beautiful soul. She had only treated you with kindness, giving you thoughtfull Solstice gifts and advice when needed.

You couldn’t justifiably be mad at her.

You’d pick her over you too.

—————————

Maybe you should just face your problems head on and ask him for some advice to break the newfound ice. His grunts were heard as he punched cassians face, getting some blood on his knuckles. Approaching him in the training pit, you hoped he wouldn’t dismiss you. “ Hey, Az, can we talk?”

Looking at you with an unreadable expression, he sharply replied, “Yeah, sure, quick. What's up?”

You tentatively asked, noticing his mood, “ Um, you wanna go for a walk? I haven’t seen you for a while. Also, we’re supposed to meet tonight, are you still up for it?”

He glanced around, eyes searching for an out, “Can it wait? I've got something I need to take care of.”

You felt dismissed as he didn’t even address what you mentioned and used whatever power you had left and asked, “ I just thought-“

"Look, I'll catch up with you later, alright? But yeah, I guess i’ll meet you tonight." After Azriel quickly walked off, you felt a sting from his unintentional rudeness. He had been acting like this for a while now and they way he hurriedly accepted your offer was making you feel like a second choice. But why? You did want to meet him and he did say yes, so why in the mother’s name did this feel so…?

Trying to shake it off, you found a quiet spot to gather your thoughts. Doubts crept in, making you wonder if his abrupt exit meant something more. Left alone with unanswered questions, you thought about having a straightforward talk about where you stand in his life.

“Hey, you okay? What was that about?” Cassian’s tone was so gentle and inviting and it almost made you spill everything right there, but he already had his own issues and problems with Nesta so you didn’t want to burden him further.

"It was nothing. I, uh, I'll see you later, Cas." You hastily departed, your eyes stinging with impending tears.

————————————

He was late. Again. This had happened seceral times before and despite agreeing to see him tonight, his prolonged absence weighed on you. Feeling a bit pathetic, you rose from your armchair and slipped under the covers, opting for a deep, dreamless sleep.

————————————

As war flashbacks filled your mind, and a suffocating panic took hold in the middle of the night, leaving you sweating. You threw of your sheets, gasping as you made your way to door. Desperate, you rushed to find Azriel, your heart beating louder than the echoing footsteps in the quiet hallways. You hoped to find comfort, a break from your horrors, as you hurried along.

Turning a corner, the world shattered around you. Azriel and Elain stood in an embrace, lost in a kiss that felt like a thousand daggers piercing your chest. The air in your lungs disappeared , replaced by a crushing weight that threatened to swallow you whole. Time was lost as you grappled with the horrible realization that the sanctuary you sought was crumbling before your eyes.

Your Azriel wasn’t yours anymore.

Your Azriel wasn’t ever truly yours, a taunting voice spewed in your head

Quietly, your broken heart mirrored the shattered moonlight, pain etched into you, stranded in heartbreak's silent hallway where quiet screamed louder than war's echoes.

He had chosen to be with Elain even though he promised you he’d see you.

———————————

Your heart was in your throat as you went downstairs for breakfast. The memory of Azriel shoving his tounge down Elains throat was still so fresh and it made something in you ache.

The dining room buzzed with the voices of friends and family as you dropped into a chair between Feyre and Lucien, saving space for more seats in front of you. Glancing to the right from your plate, you noticed Lucien, as he cut into his eggs. Oddly, you hadn't known he was back, despite being good friends. Ever since he learned about his father, he'd been curious about your old home in the day court, where his father ruled. You two became fast friends, and you promised to take him on an exclusive trip there anytime he wanted.

“ Hey, Lucien. How was your trip and when did you come back, I didn’t hear you enter yesterday.”

Yeah because you probably cried yourself to sleep, maybe that’s why.

He flashed his charming smile, tilting his head with playful eyes. "Missed me, Y/n?" he teased, laughing as you playfully punched his arm. Only he would crack jokes so early in the morning.

Deciding to tease him back, you couldn't resist digging into the details of his trip to the continent. You never got tired of his adventures, loving how he narrated them with grace and humor, making you feel like you were right there with him.

"Yeah, so what if I missed you? I enjoy having you around, Luc. But seriously, spill. Did you take down any monsters? Save any damsels in distress?"

Lucien chuckled, leaning in with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Well, I did fight off a swarm of overeager pigeons. Does that count as saving the day or just a triumph against feathery creatures?" he quipped, his laughter infectious.

You howled at the thought of a flock of birds surrounding your friend, pecking at him while he irritatingly tries to remove them.

The room fell silent as Azriel walked in with Elain, and your laughter faded.

A mix of hot and cold flashes hit you as you saw Elain wearing your sweater.

The sweater Azriel gave you a year ago—the one that meant a lot to you.

The one you had grown to love and was a reminder of what could be.

The one that cemented your feelings for him.

He gave it to Elain.

The one he was kissing last night.

The one he swapped you with and then got irritated when you tried to approach him.

The one who was mated to the seething male next to you.

The weight of everyone's stares bore down on you as Elain and Azriel took their seats in front of you and Lucien. Feyre and Cassian's eyes felt like lasers on the side of your head as you couldn't look away from your sweater now worn by Elain. Confusion gnawed at you – you'd tossed it into the laundry basket, yet there she was, flaunting it. The fact that Azriel didn't seem to care only added to the bewilderment, even when he knew what it meant to you. Irritation sparked in you as you got ready to chew him out, because who the hell wears something that doesn’t belong to them. And maybe Elain didn’t know but Azriel sure as hell did and you had enough of whatever bullshit this was. But before you were able to speak up, Feyre beat you to it.

“Elain, where did you get that sweater? I’m pretty sure it’s y/n’s.” Everyone looked back at Elain as red colored her cheeks, she meekly looked at you as she sputtered her explanation.

“ I hope it’s okay y/n, I didn’t know it was yours. I was in the laundry room with Azriel and I got… Well I, I um, got dirty, so he handed me this shirt and told me it was okay but I should’ve asked. Do you want it back?”

Numbness was all you could describe what you felt like. There was no way to miss the insinuation. They fucked and he gave her your sweater to wear after. And she didn’t even know it was yours, so you didn’t blame her. You found a new level of respect for Lucien, because you weren’t even mated to Azriel and you felt all this pain. You couldn’t even begin to imagine how he felt.

Not having the energy for this you gave her a sweet smile and said something that made Azriel’s eyes stay on you the rest of the meal.

“No worries, Elain. The shirt means nothing to me. Keep it. It looks better on you than it ever did on me, anyway.”

You casually picked up your fork, trying to eat away the tension that lingered in the air. Throughout the meal, Lucien remained tense next to you, his mate leaning against the shadowsinger, his arm around her. The gesture practically shouting that he didn't care about Elain's mate sitting across from him, much to Rhysand's dismay.

"Lucien, I'm full. Do you want to accompany me to town? There are a few things I need to get, and I could use some help carrying them." You extended your hand, and he took it, ever the gentleman, placing it so you held onto his arm with a smile.

————————————

Reaching the pathway to the town square, the open nature felt like a breath of fresh air. Despite you and Lucien being able to winnow, a walk through the cold December morning seemed necessary to clear your head. Glancing at Lucien, you sensed a shared need for clarity. Unable to contain it any longer, you decided to spill everything, the weight of unspoken words demanding release.

“I’ll be honest, I suspected something along those lines. I mean you weren’t being subtle about it. But the sweater threw me off.”

“Oh, I suppose our subtlety is not relevant anymore. Lucien, I just want you to know how much I appreciate you and hold you in high regard. Feel free to share anything; I'm here to listen. I can't even fathom how hard it must be when you're mated.”

His sad laughter echoed, tugging at your heartstrings, confirming that it wasn't an easy situation. As he opened up, every word he shared made perfect sense, resonating with what you were feeling.

After wandering around The Rainbow, sipping hot chocolates, and sharing your thoughts, you headed home. However, upon your return to The House, you were greeted by a pacing and visibly upset Azriel. Furrowing your eyebrows, you looked at Lucien who looked just as confused as you. Azriels pacing came to a halt as he quickly made his way over to you.

“ Where have you been? I looked for you everywhere. Why where you out with him?” Hot fury coarsed through your veins as you snapped at his tone. Just who the hell did he think he was?

“Where I am and who I'm with isn't your concern. Now excuse me, I'm going to my room. Lucien, I'll see you around. Thank you for your help.” You stood on your toes, giving Lucien a kiss on the cheek, and then briskly walked to your room, leaving Azriel with his thoughts. Though he certainly didn’t think very long as his footsteps inched closer behind you.

Azriel stood before you with a tense expression. “Why were you with Lucien?” he demanded, his eyes searching for answers.

As much as you missed him and ached for him, there wasn’t a single planet where you’d let him disrespect you and then demand answers like some jealous boyfriend. Anger took over as you stood tall and laid everything for him.

“Listen, I don’t know what you think you’re doing but you can’t talk to me like that. Lucien is a good male, you should know, your fucking his mate and he hasn’t murdered you yet.”

His face was back to it’s neutral state, the state of the shadowsinger and spymaster of the night court. He stepped closer, jaw tight as he spewed words that made your blood boil.

“I don’t want to see you around Lucien again. I don’t care that you’re friends because it looks like you want to fuck him. You belong to me and I don’t share.”

The possessiveness normally would’ve turned you on as it once did when a male tried to hit on you a few months ago. But this just made you want to punch him clean across his face.

“Azriel, I’m not sure you’re hearing me. I may see whoever I want because you’re not my father or mate or anything. And I’m not a thing, I do not belong to you so I will do whatever pleases me.” You stepped closer, interrupting whatever he was about to say.

“Unless you’re actually disturbed, then you’re capable of understanding that you’ve chosen Elain, you’ve neglected me and have chosen her. I don’t blame you, the heart wants what it wants. But atleast grow a pair and say it to my fucking face. How dare you come to me and demand I stop seeing my friend?”

“ Y/n, let me just-”

“ No, i’m saying what I’m going to say then me and you never have to talk unless it’s absolutely necessary.” The last bit of anger you had, fired up the question you had been asking yourself for a while.

“Why did you give her my sweater when you said you’d never give it to anyone. Why would you ever give her what’s mine? From my laundry basket? Are you truly heartless or just plain stupid? And why do you care about what im doing? You’ve made it clear we’re over.” You swallowed back your tears, determination winning over the burning behind your eyes, no fucking way would you cry in front of him.

His words devoid of any sense of emotion rattled you. He ignored everything you said as he gave his stupid answer.

“First of all, it’s just polyester. You’re acting like a child over a shirt. And you’re my mate, so I think I get some say in who you see.” As if his words triggered something, an obnoxious golden thread snapped itse in your chest. The weight of it heavy with sadness and betrayal.

He looked bored and uninterested as he stared you down. “I’ve always wanted a mated and when you first arrived, the bond snapped into place, hence why I fucked you for over a year. And I almost told you about it but then Elain came along and I realized I love her more than I want a mate. You know, The Mother is cruel, she should’ve just made me and her mates so we could’ve skipped this ugly little moment. Oh well-”

A grunt escapes as he staggered back from your punch. That arrogant, hypocritical piece of shit knew you were his mate, he knew it every single time he bedded you, he knew it when you cried and laughed, he knew it when you told him how much you wanted one.

He knew and he didn’t care.

A whirlwind of emotions hit you as the bond intensified. A headache crept in as you turned away and left in silence, your head filling with questions.

How could you face him without the urge to punch again? Did Elain know all this? Did anyone? How could you stay here without wanting to kill him? And why was your face wet?

You halted, a trembling hand reaching for your face. Tears flowed, and a humorless, empty laugh escaped you. You hurried back to your room, sobs breaking through. Collapsing onto the bed, waves of sadness, heartbreak, and betrayal overwhelmed you.

————————————

You stayed in your room, wallowing in self-pity for the next few days without eating or seeing anyone. The House put several plates of food on the table next to you but you just felt nauseous. Your friends had reached out and tried to talk to you only to be met with your silence, it speaking loud enough for them to understand you didn’t want to see anyone.

A knock made you snap your head up as the person persisted. Irritation sparked in you as the knocks kept up. Letting out a sound of annoyance you got up, letting your legs get adjusted from the days of not using them, before strutting over and throwing the door open only to be met with by Cassian and Feyre.

“ Oh, what are you doing here, I think I’ve made myself very clear. I’m really not inte the mood for this.” You sensed an intervention and there couldn’t possibly be a worse time. They ignored you, much to your dismay, and just stepped in and plopped down on one of the plush sofas that decorated your room.

“ Y/n, we haven’t seen you for almost a week. I’ve accepted you don’t want to see anyone but i’m starting to get really worried. Please know that whatever’s burdening you doesn’t have to weigh on your shoulders alone. We’re here for you and if you don’t want to talk to us then maybe Azriel? I know you like each other and have some connection.” Your stomach dropped when she mentioned his name.

"No, absolutely not Azriel. I never want to see that lying son of a bitch ever." They appeared alarmed and confused since you always spoke highly of him. Feyre and Cassian were the only ones aware of the true nature of your relationship with him. They had supported you, and were the only ones shocked about the sweater Elain wore, knowing its significance to you.

"What do you mean? What did he do?" They rose to give you a hug, noticing your eyes glossing over. Sitting on either side of you, they held you as you poured out the details. In the safety of your friends’ embrace, you told the painful details of Azriel's betrayal. The room echoed with the weight of your emotions as they listened, offering comfort and understanding.

"I feel so stupid. I know he's my mate, but I still feel betrayed. He made it clear we were just sleeping together, but there were so many mixed signals, and I just... I don't know. I have no anger left; I honestly don't care anymore. And I know it's not Elain's fault because she doesn't know we're mates, but I'm afraid I'll hurt her if I see her near Azriel. Gods, I really admire Lucien. I wonder how he's gone this long without breaking down." You shook your head as you looked to them. Their expression was laced with sadness and anger towards the spymaster.

“ I’ll kick his ass today at training, I’m so sorry honey.” Cassian was filled with conflict and anger at his dear friend being put through this. And Feyre didn’t look better as she glared at the door as if Azriel might suddenly appear. They were finally both mated and could imagine the pain of their mate doing something like this.

“ Y/n, do you want to come with me and stay at the River House? Maybe some time away from him will do you good. Lucien is also staying there and he has been down lately too. I’ve talked to him and your situations are very similar. Maybe you should talk to him.” Feyre held your hand, her voice gentle as she gave you a smile when you nodded, accepting the offer.

Cassian walked over to your closet and packed you a bag of clothes while Feyre led you to your vanity and brushed through your hair. She pulled it into one of the simpler styles you usually went for. You went onto the bathroom and took a quick shower. Cassian knocked softly and handed you a change of clothes. You felt an overwhelming gratitude for your friends caring nature as tears welled up in your eyes. They approached with laughter, and it sparked a genuine smile from you. Gods, you loved your friends.

—————————

Azriel flew back to The House after spending the day with Elain and dropping her off outside the River House. Though he loved Elain, she hadn’t reciprocated his feelings and it grated his nerves. He threw away a perfectly good mate. She should be loving him back too. As he entered The House, the unusual silence struck him. Cassian and Nesta’s typical noise was absent, and the absence of any sound from you heightened his worry. Azriel anxiously opened doors and searched every corner, looking for any sign of anyone.

He remembered that it was Sunday, the day of their usual family dinner. He let out a sigh of relief and changed before flying to the estate.

————————————

Your wineglass paused mid-air as Azriel walked in, placing a kiss on Elain's shoulder. She glanced at Lucien, subtly distancing herself. Despite her evident discomfort, Azriel nonchalantly put his arm around her. You felt bad for Elain. Maybe she wasn’t feeling Azriel anymore but didn’t have the heart to tell him.

A snarl ripped you from your thoughts as Lucien stood up looking murderous. Elain looked up at him with a hint of relief as Azriel simply pulled her closer and stared at him, face unreadable.

“Get your arm off her before I kill you.” Luciens voice came out gritted and you instinctively moved away a bit, not daring to get too close to the seething male witnessing his mate feel uncomfortable. Lucien was a levelheaded male and it took a lot for him to get really angry, so anyone with half a brain knew not to tread to closely. Rhysand next to him, stood up aswell, sensing that there probably would be a fight, ready to intervene.

“You’re going to kill me? I’d like to see you try.”

That was definitely the wrong thing to say because Elain frowned and pushed his arm away, making her way over to Lucien, calming him down by grabbing his hand shyly. He still held eye contact with Azriel, slightly smiling as Azriel grew angry.

“Don’t lay your hands on her again. If i ever see you making her uncomfortable, I’ll hang you with your own insides.” Elain looked at him with wide eyes and dragged him further down the table.

“Okay, what the actual fuck? What is going on and why are you looking at y/n like that?” Rhysand’s voice broke whatever trance was going on. Your interest peaked as your eyes slid over to Azriel’s only to find them filled with his usual boredom mixed with anger.

You let out a laugh, not being able to stop as you thought about how ridiculous he was being.

“ Well, let’s see. Azriel is my mate and he kept it hidden from me since the day I met him. Oh, and we fucked around for a year or so before he became a dick and started ignoring me, stopped coming to our planned meetings and I finally understood it was because of Elain. But I don’t blame her, I blame him. Hmm… what else? Right! He knew about us being mated and wished he was mated to her instead, and look how that turned out. The one you left me for doesn’t even want you anymore Azriel, how does that make you feel, mate?”

You bit out the last words with poison as you gave him a half smirk. Elain approached you, as everyone soaked up the information. She held your hands in her shaking ones and looked at you with a pained expression.

“ Y/n, please believe me, I didn’t know you two were seeing each other, let alone were mates. He told me you were just friends and nothing more. Had I known, I wouldn’t have ever been with him. And if i’m honest I thought i wanted to be with him, but I want to get to know my mate.” Before she could ramble on you pulled her into a hug, feeling bad for her. She hadn’t know and still apologized.

“Elain, I assure you, I don't hold any blame towards you. I'm happy you want to get to know Lucien. Trust me, he's genuinely funny and nice when he's not being a sarcastic ass.” Laughter filled the air as you and Elain shared a moment, lightening the mood.

You let her go as she got closer to Lucien. No matter how much you wanted to seek your mate out for comfort, you couldn’t let it happen. You knew there was only one thing left.

“ Azriel, I reject the bond. I don’t know how I can ever be with you after this. Not only did you lie to me, you lied to everyone. I’m never going to trust you completely and I think we need to work on ourselves. But it won’t be with each other.” With that you turned on your heel and left for your room, leaving behind a shattered bond and pleading a mate.

———————————————

Azriel's three-month-long begging for a second chance haunted you, likely triggered by witnessing Elain and Lucien's kiss in the courtyard. While you were happy for them, a lingering sadness stayed you, realizing you would never experience a shared bond. Azriel had robbed you of the beauty of a mating bond, and forgiveness felt out of the question. Suffocated by him, you made your way to Feyre and Rhysand's office, ready to ask the dreaded question that had lingered within you for a while.

“ Come in!” Feyre’s gentle voice probed you to open the door as you slithered in. They both looked at you with caution. After breaking the bond, you had been bedridden for three weeks. The physical and mental toll it took on you was overwhelming and some days you questioned your decision. But then you remembered what led you here and just powered through.

“ Guys, I promise I feel much better, so please no more mother-henning. Especially you Rhys.” Feyre let out an amused giggle as Rhys just narrowed his eyes in mock irritation. The weight of what you had to say hung heavy on your shoulders, but you knew they'd support you. Opting for honesty, you decided to rip off the bandaid.

“ I want to move back to the Day Court. I love it here but I miss my home, my siblings, my parents, my friends. I wasn’t supposed to stay this long and even though I love velaris, I can’t live here so close to… him. Not only that but I’ve been sending letters to Helion and he is very eager to meet Lucien and has asked me to check if he wants to come.” You decided to drop the last bomb, asking them for a huge favor.

“I also wanted to see if you could erase my memories of Azriel. Not everything, just the whole fiasco. I genuinely want to move on, and I feel like I won't be able to if I keep dwelling on it. Believe me, I've tried to avoid him and the situation for the past months, but the thoughts still linger.”

They were silent for a moment, likely speaking to each other through their mind. You met their saddened eyes as they nodded.

“I'm sorry you feel this way, Y/n. I genuinely wanted you to feel at home here, but of course we won't force you to stay. We'll erase the memories, but only if you promise to visit someday. Perhaps even let us come to you? I've heard the Day Court's sun is not to be played with, almost rivaling the Summer Court.” You giggled and nodded at Rhysand's words, tears streaming down your face – a mix of happiness and sadness. Overwhelmed with emotions, you embraced them as they gave you a big hug, one of the last you realized.

————————————

You surveyed your now empty room, memories of passionate moments and heartfelt kisses with Azriel lingering in the air. It felt like a distant past, a different life, a different version of you. Shouldering your bag, you descended the stairs. Rhysand had winnowed all your belongings back to your old quarters in Helion's palace. Lucien and Elain, already packed, awaited you at the breakfast table. It was time to share one last meal as residents of this house.

After announcing the news, Lucien and Elain asked if they could join you, insisting on the top-class tour of the court you had promised him. Delighted, you agreed, more than happy to bring your friends along as you all headed back home.

The table was filled with your friends as you shared one last meal, Azriel's seat empty as he was out on a mission. Unable to face him in fear of lingering emotions, you insisted on leaving while he was away.

Feyre stood at the head of the table, a mix of emotions visible in her eyes. She cleared her throat, capturing everyone's attention.

“Today marks the beginning of a new chapter for Y/n, Lucien, and Elain. Though farewells are always bittersweet, we must embrace change and growth. Y/n, you've been a cherished member of our court and a life-long friend, and while your path diverges, our bonds remain unbroken. Never forget that you will always have a home here.”

She smiled warmly, addressing each one individually, “Lucien, my first and dear fae friend, Elain, my kind older sister, your presence has brought joy to our home. The Day Court awaits, and I have no doubt that your light will shine brightly there.”

She raised her glass, “To new beginnings, may your paths be lit by the stars that connect us all. Safe travels, my friends.”

The room echoed with the clinking of glasses, a heartfelt farewell lingering in the air.

————————————

After tearful goodbyes, Feyre and Rhysand exchanged a glance, understanding the weight of your request. Pulling you aside, Feyre spoke softly, “Are you ready for this?"

You nodded, feeling Rhysand place a gentle hand on your forehead as Feyre held the back of your head. Together, they wove their magic, erasing the memories of Azriel and the pain attached to them. As the magic settled, you blinked, a new easiness in your eyes.

Rhys offered a reassuring smile, “May this bring you peace on your journey, Y/n.” You gave them a final hug, walking back to Lucien and Elain and winnowed back to your home.

—————

TWO YEARS LATER

At Helion's annual grand ball, you moved through the crowd, the vibrant atmosphere alive with laughter and music. You glanced around as you spotted your friends.

Approaching your dear friends, you hugged and greeted all of your friends, updating them about your life as you heared the uptade of theirs. Then, unexpectedly, you found yourself face to face with Azriel. His expression revealed a mix of confusion and curiosity. This was the first time you had met him simce you moved. Your friends told you that he was often gone on long missions, only staying briefly to report to Feyre and Rhysand before heading back out. Unbeknownst to you, your friends had slowly decreased their conversations and meetings with Azriel and he was now more of an employee than a friend. They loved both of you but there was no way to just let him back in as a dear friend after what he did.

“Hi, Azriel. It’s been a while. How’s everything going?”

He nodded, "Indeed. I must admit, I'm surprised to see you here."

You chuckled, “Really? I mean it is my home after all. Why is it shocking?”

Azriel furrowed his brows, "I thought... after everything, you hated me."

Your eyes widened in confusion, “Hate? I don’t know what you mean, Azriel. Why would I hate you? You’re a dear friend of mine.”

Realization dawned in Azriel's eyes, “Your memories...” But before he could continue, Rhysand pulled him away.

Azriel's realization hit him hard. The weight of the moment pressed upon him, and he felt a deep sense of remorse. Seeing you free from the memories, both good and bad, brought a profound ache.

He swallowed hard, the truth settling heavily in his chest. He had caused so much pain that you chose to erase him from your mind. A sickness crept over him, the regret of his actions piercing through as he watched you move through the ball, blissfully unaware of the history you once shared. Surrounded by the festive atmosphere, he felt a deep loss and the haunting echo of an irreversible mistake.

You looked happier and healthier than you had ever been. Deciding to not disturb the peace you created, he simply disappeared into his shadows, seeking out their comfort as he always had.

[valeriianz]

Dream is trying to be good. He is out of his house, for starters, attempting to mingle among the crowds. He figures this effort alone is worth at least 10 points on the socialization scale.

He may be wearing black on black as usual, but at least this is his nice pea coat, and his jeans don’t have any rips in them. His hair is even washed (though he hadn’t bothered with a combing, minus 3 points).

It’s New Year’s Eve, he’s standing at one of the few scattered tables around the large space. The bar’s ceiling and walls are lit up in a colorful agglomeration of Christmas lights and twinkling decor, so much that the people around him appear to have pink or blue or orange skin, otherwise the place is dark.

Dream drums his fingers on the tall table’s surface, scanning the crowd and trying not to look too uncomfortable at the DJ’s choice in thumping bass and current rap trends blanketing the ocean of conversation happening all around him.

“Hey, how are you?”

Dream watches as a man walks around him to stand across the table, setting a drink down and smiling in a lazy, drunk way.

Dream just stares.

“Sorry, I saw you standing alone and thought you might want some company.”

The man has to lean forward and yell to be heard over the music and people. Dream is responsive enough to at least lean in as well to catch the stranger’s words.

“I’m fine, thank you.” Dream barely has to raise his voice, thanks to his natural baritone. He’s thankful for that; he hates shouting and to do so just to commit to a conversation would be tribulation.

The man doesn’t seem to catch Dream’s response though, or doesn’t care to. He takes a sip of his drink and tries again, his fingers curling around the pint.

“Can I get you a drink?”

Dream seizes the opportunity to politely turn this man away from him.

“No, thank you. My boyfriend is getting my drink.”

The man’s brows pinch together.

“Where is your boyfriend?”

He says it like it’s a joke. Like he’s caught Dream red-handed. Dream sighs and turns to look at the crowded bar.

“He’s right…” Dream’s eyes desperately scan the scene of chaos at the bar, hoping to find Hob’s familiar head of dark brown hair, his mischievous caramel brown eyes, or even the bomber jacket he wore tonight. But from here, it’s difficult to spot anyone’s face in the crowd. The blinking lights give off strange shadows and everyone is moving, either dancing or stumbling to push through the dense sea of bodies.

He hears a soft laugh from the man across from him and looks over to find him shaking his head, but he’s smiling.

“Look, I don’t mean to come off strong, but someone as gorgeous as you shouldn’t be alone on New Year's Eve.”

Any patience left for this man is immediately snuffed out, like water tossed onto a fire.

“I told you, I’m–”

“Waiting for your boyfriend, uh huh.” He grins with his teeth and Dream barely restrains from throwing his head back in annoyance. 

If there weren’t a threat of getting lost in the crowd, Dream would abandon his station here and go looking for Hob. But he knows it’s better to stay here and wait as he had been, despite the nuisance still attempting to converse with Dream.

He steps around the table to stand next to Dream, who takes a deliberate step sideways away from him.

“What’s your name?”

Dream ignores him, head now permanently angled towards the bar.

“You know,” he starts up again and Dream eyes flutter shut, praying for patience. “The longer you ignore me, the more persistent I’ll become.”

Dream opens his eyes and levels the man, who is definitely drunk, with an unamused look.

“Even if I weren’t already spoken for, this is a terrible way to receive my affections.”

“He speaks!” The man exclaims and laughs. Dream pinches the bridge of his nose and has officially made the decision to lose his mind at the stranger, when he blessedly feels two familiar strong arms wrap around his waist.

“Sorry that took so long,” Hob speaks directly into Dream’s ear, no need to shout with lips tickling his skin. “I got us two drinks each so we don’t have to deal with that again.”

Dream smiles, unaware of how tense he was as his body relaxes against Hob’s– before it sharpens to a smirk at the utterly baffled expression on the strange man’s face.

Hob’s lips trail up the shell of Dream’s ear, his nose nudging in his hairline as he speaks again, his hot breath warming Dream up from the inside and sparking a sudden and intense feeling of surrender in Hob’s possessive hold. 

“Who’s your friend?” And fuck, Dream can hear the control in Hob’s voice. The question is innocent enough, but the way his tone pitches into a growl, low and dangerous, makes Dream’s toes curl. 

“I don’t know,” Dream answers simply, one brow arching at the other man, giving him the decency to turn and walk away on his own before Hob can make a show of animalistic ownership that Dream can practically feel radiating off Hob’s self-control.

Thankfully the stranger leaves, which is just as well, though Dream would have rather liked being ravished with an audience.

He turns to face Hob properly, duly noticing the drinks on the table and slips his arms around Hob’s middle, bringing them flush together in what can only be described as a bear hug.

Dream tucks his face under Hob’s jaw– bending his knees a little– and inhaling deeply, the scent of Hob’s cologne grounding him, and exhaling loudly through his mouth and smiling again at Hob’s deep chuckle that rumbles through his own body.

“You good?” Hob asks into Dream’s hair, placing a kiss there.

“Mm…” Dream hums. “I’m great.”

[ritterschaf]

Earthspark Starscream (spoilers)

Yeah, so "Warzone" happened. And there are some very interesting things.

Mainly: I think Earthspark may give us Immortal Starscream.

Hear me out:

First off, when Megatron chugs the Allspark through the spacebridge we see Starscream jumping after it...and it explodes right in his face.

These scenes are not over in a blink, they're noticable, we're given explicit zooms to Starscream jumping after the Allspark TWO times. I think that's not a coincidence and something to keep in mind for later.

After this, Optimus shoots the spacebridge, it turns into a HUGE explosion and the Allspark is gone - we know this, because Megatron laments the fact that the Allspark is seemingly lost - or is it?

In the scene it looks like it vanishes in the explosion, or maybe it went through the bridge just in time and is back on Cybertron already...I mean, none of the Transformers on earth have any means to check whether it's back on Cybertron. So, what if it isn't? What if the explosion practically shot the Allspark right into Starscream? I mean, this wouldn't be the first series where he has some connection to it.

In Cyberverse, Starscream merged with the Allspark several times and in TFA it literally kept him alive; it could be the same here, because that explosion looked nasty. And Starscream was right in the middle of it.

So, here's my theory: The blast from the exploding spacebridge was essentially enough to offline him permanently. But during it the Allspark collided and merged with him, keeping him alive. Thus, giving us Immortal Starscream. (And then it's also no wonder no one knows where the Allspark is - its inside Starscream and can't be tracked, because he involuntarily shields it from detection.)

And now for something else that slightly bothers me:

Where is Starscream in this shot? Because I don't see him.

We can see a few bots, but that seeker next to Megatron is Novastorm - sure, maybe Starscream was blasted outside of the frame we can see, but...I think Earthspark is very deliberate in what it shows and what it does not.

So maybe he was blasted SO far away that basically all the bots present presume he's dead. GHOST found him, threw him in a cell and left him there - and since their alliance with Megatron was fresh and brittle at that time, and we now know that Agent Croft is shady af...well, maybe they took Megatron's former second in command in custody without him knowing. Chances are, he thinks that Starscream perished in that blast.

Tbh I don't think this is actually the case...but if it IS I'm hella excited for the first time the two of them meet on-screen.

There's good stuff waiting for us, hehe.

[jeannefostergoriot]

Soo just saw a post saying they’d wish for more song analysis for KOTLC about someone else’s song than Taylor so here we go.

Driver’s Seat by Madd Buckley x The Vacker kids

“He didn’t mean to scream, then what does he mean?” is Alvar, who was always expected perfect, or perceived the situation that way, and if Alden denied it, Alvar would have been like “what, then??”

“I’m not who he thinks I am”: still Alvar, joining the Neverseen, trying to make himself… seen?

“Trapped in his anger, one-way road”: I doubt it’s express in anger in Glitter-Perfect-City. But. Deception, permanent deception of the one you look up to. Has the same effect.

“Familiar blood I hold alone”: it’s Fitz. Cause following Alvar’s betrayal, he is the one holding the old Vacker line expectancies. Alone cause Biana is younger, less important, less visible.

“I won’t be who he is”: Alvar about Alden. Fitz about Alvar.

“The apple’s falling from the tree”: when Alvar joins the Neverseen, when Fitz joins the Black Swan, when Biana goes fighting Vespera. They’re making their own choices, they’re starting to be independent

“The engine light is blinking brighter”: more time passes, more they go closer and closer to the edge, closer to snapping, closer to breaking.

“And I wasn’t raised to be a fighter”: nobody is raised for that in the Lost Cities. Especially not in the royal family…

“But it only takes one spark to blow”: but it only takes one thing for apparent perfect perfection to go down in flames, for everyone to lose their mind.

“And I wasn’t taught to tame the driver”: none of the three was ever said how to feel fine, how to correct the problems they felt deep down with their world, they weren’t taught to pinpoint what is wrong and what oppress them.

“Just how to delay the raging fire”: just how to play with the rules till another game is set. Set by older. Set by others. Set for others. But they can take part in that new game.

“That turn signal’s ticking, ticking, ticking til”: time is coming. Hurt is here. So the flame is burning in their veins.

“I will be who he is”: the boys. They didn’t want. But they realize. Alvar when he stopped taking measures, when he just went right into whatever the Neverseen were doing. And Fitz, well. That scene in Flashback where he almost killed his brother.

“He’s in the driver’s seat”. Maybe Alden. Maybe just the system.

“I am his rage”: Alvar.

“Inherit the engine and leak, no mistake”: Biana, inheriting the pressure that drives Fitz crazy and the Invisibility that lead Alvar to disappear. Can’t do any mistake to avoid the erasure. Has to fight to be seen. To make the whole thing working.

“I am the warning, the blaring that won’t let you sleep in peace”: Fitz. Fitz who grew up almost in another world, Fitz who says that things aren’t right, Fitz that warns when going in the same old ways will crash everyone in the wall.

“I am his only”: dunno is the singer means “his only something” or “only his”. For the analysis I’ll pick “only his”. Cause the Vacker are not theirs. They aren’t supposed to make their own choices. It’s been like this for centuries. They belong to the system. They have to be perfection.

“The little fist bruising the wheel and switching seats”: This is the idea that from childhood, from early teenage, they had to… punch a bit their way on life. The three of them differently. Alvar threw a big punch and joined the Neverseen. Fitz was switching worlds. Biana was disappearing. And she made her way at school. She’s seen as one of the popular kids of Foxfire. It doesn’t come just snapping.

“I’m biting my own tongue”: trying to keep the appearances up. It hurts them.

“I am my father’s lost son”: they can’t deny their family name. They can’t deny they’re the products of it.

“I didn’t mean to scream” Fitzroy Avery Vacker. Losing it at any occasion. And regretting it despite not knowing how to apologize.

“Don’t know what I mean”: Fitz. He doesn’t know where or what he is, he wants, not anymore.

“I’m not who you think I”: no matter how long we think about them, we’re gonna miss a part. They’re never entirely open

(This is the song btw: )

[atalienart]

What are your thoughts about scenes (I don’t believe it’s a trope) in Rom-Coms where a person doesn’t want to get married to their partner of 6year long relationship.

They end up separating from each other and almost towards the end of the movie or show the person who didn’t want to get married ends up proposing. (or in some cases marrying some other person within a short dating period)

i feel like its a bit of of a pressure from society that makes this person change their mind from not wanting to get married and then proposing. I like to believe that it's fine not getting married, yes theirs benefits and next of kin for emergencies in hospitals. However, why is it always dead-set in people marrying each other?

Also, what are your thoughts when people say "marriage is hard work"? isnt every relationship hard work? it seems like its diminishing non martial relationships

Are you asking me about fiction or real life, because I'm lost xD Anyway, rom-coms usually end with "being together forever" and when you sign papers that say "here I state we're together forever" what's more "together forever" than this? You officially announce that you're in a "real" relationship. I think a lot of people like to have a sense of security that comes with "tying the knots", even if you can theoretically divorce. A divorce however requires an effort to break the "agreement". When you're in a "non-committed" relationship what actually stops you from just leaving without any consequences. Another thing is also a matter of religious believes, which for many people is pretty important.

Now let's take into consideration that rom-coms are usually written for women, and usually they show hetero couples. Women like to feel secure in a relationship. Men usually (it's usually men idk) don't want to commit (and are with a woman util she "too" old, sick, boring), so when in a rom-com he proposes he says he really wants to be with this one woman forever, no matter what, and he doesn't consider other options. Kinda romantic idk.

Anyway, if you're together for years and you still don't know if you really want to be with that other person then why are you with that person. If you don't care about the marriage but the other person does, if you don't plan to leave them then what difference does it make for you? You'll make that other person happy by signing some papers, that's it. In rom-coms the purpose of this hesitation is probably either a character getting to know himself better, reminiscing about the relationship or something like that.

I really don't find this rom-com scenario romantic at all. You either love each other or not. If you love each other you don't have a problem with making it "permanent". There are so many things that can be a cause of drama in a romance other than a piece of paper. Nothing romantic about a person saying "okay, fine, I'll marry you if you want it so much; when we were separate I realised I got used to you too much." Like, fuck off xD

(When characters end up with someone else, that's drama, not romance, and then it's fine because it's just contemplating human choices.)

And what are my thoughts about "hard work" thing? Yes, every relationship requires some work. I'm sorry, I'm really not the right person to ask about relationships and marriages irl. I have no idea how all this works xD

[intertexts]

GOODMORNING ITS TRIVA TIIIIME

EPISODE 29 TRIVIA:

- they actually rerecorded this episode. bizly wanted dakotas lesson to be strategy so ORIGINALLY they were fucking. playing chess. for two hours. according to charlie "they had chess dot com open. I don't know where condi was but I was physically prone on the other side of my room like hiding behind something" SO THEY HATED IT. AND THEN RERECORDED IT AND ENDED UP WITH THIS.

- DAKOTA IS OFFICIALLY 18. HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY. really funny that this happens in the hyperbolic time chamber where time in the real world doesn't actually move.

- THERES ART FOR THE BOULDER THING !!!! ITS AWESOME I LOVE THEM

- grizzly: "in the beginning were you guys told to tell me that you were quitting the Prime defenders?"

condi: "no, not at all. that just came out naturally I think"

charlie: "I was so sad to see how heartbroken dakota got at that"

EXPLANATIONS:

condi: "I mean vyncent doesn't really... get it. a lot of hardship has come from being the prime defenders I don't think he sees it as worth all that. dont worry i dont think this is a permanent state of mind for vyncent, hes a malleable little boy, but its where hes at right now. itll change with time but right now hes a little jaded"

charlie: "williams whole plan was, now that he's basically wisp-free and given a new lease on life (< side note. phrase that causes me harm specifically) his plan was to find a way to return this smoke soul and help save ashe and then after that.. who knows"

- dakota ended that scene with "I never wanted to do it alone" and that's what gave him the idea to have them help him with the boulder. he didn't want to do it alone

- the only reason william is still here at all is because of dakota and vyncent. if they weren't here he would've been gone ages ago

- YIPPEE. YOU GET TO SEE JASON ORIGAMI FINALLY. 3/3 OF THE PRIME FORCE COLLECTED. HI JASON <3

- THEY KEEP QUOTING ANGEL WITH A SHOTGUN IN REFERRNCE TO WILLIAM. DO THEY WANT ME DEAD.

- chaos beano :]

- cue anime talk for like 10 minutes. prime defenders the weeb podcast ever <3

- OK AWESOME. BIZLY TALKING ABOUT THE CHAOS DEMON: "the way it kinda works is like... the chaos demon lost all sense of personality. yknow it was a soul at one point, but the longer you're in a place like where he was, you just lose what makes you you. imagine you're in a place where people are screaming all the time and you don't even know if the screams are coming out of your own mouth and it's just eternal nothing and everything (< horrifying!). and then when he latched onto you, dakota, it became like feeding off of your negative emotions"

- "What is dakotas worst fear personified? Who is dakota afraid of the most?"

grizzly DOES NOT ANSWER THIS >:| however he does say "it was a really good choice to show him the fall right away. had he not turned into le frog I think I would've played dakota a lot more serious. but because it went from the fall to doug to le frog *then* to ashe, I think it just pissed him off more than it scared him"

- "people try to scare us by looking like ashe a lot"

"okay, no, its only been TWO people and one of them IS ASHE."

- charlie: "yeah I was nervous about that encounter considering I looked at my sheet and all I have is a chainsaw and a shotgun in the middle of an active volcano"

- charlie slime has put together a william playlist it's it's my life mission to find it now. I found the ashe playlist I can do this. I need to judge his music taste.

- theyre talking about jason dying in one of the big darkstar battles and everything and grizzly goes "wow it's crazy how dakota was there and saw all of that"

HELP THAT'S SO FUNNY. frankly i would love to see the two hour chess hell session that's so funny to me oh my god. ALSO DAKOTA 18 WHOOOO he can get shot now!!! great!!

literally took so much psychic damage over the quitting the prime defenders talk. head in hands. im so ill over them... oh boy can't wait to see william stay wisp free and enjoy his new lease on life and be a normal uneventful teenager again !! im sure thats what the next few episodes are about!! ^__^;;

but mac he's literally an angel with a shotgun fighting til the wars done!! he wants to live not just survive!!!

prime defenders weeb podcast of all time... were they talking about one piece. thats my guess. one piece & dragon ball. also the more they talk about chaos demons the worse it is!!! fucked up!!! especially with the new knowledge from the oneshot etc! can't wait for someone to get tossed in there!!

all he has is a chainsaw and a shotgun in the middle of an active volcano.... i love u william wisp. god. also PLAYLIST... good luck finding it....

[workingforitallthetime]

I know it‘s been a few years but I still occasionally think of ‚ain't like anywhere else‘. You‘ve probably moved on completely… But what did you have in mind for chapter 2? 👀🥺

this ask prompted me to open the google doc for the first time in years, so what the hell, let's exhume some remains and do some self-reflection about why part 2 was never going to work.

(all of the bits that follow are unedited material straight from the draft. i hope i've become a better writer than this over the past three years.)

Here's the opening paragraph:

Trevor was meant to be here. Not like he was born in the wrong place, since he’d never give up his birthright of New York obnoxiousness, but like it was all building to this. It’s never too hot. His body can’t soak up enough sunshine, hair sun-kissed, skin turning a permanent California brown. He’s trying to turn Jamie into a Californian but he’s stubbornly Canadian. Fishbelly white no matter how much time they spend in the sun.

the main reason part 2 didn't work is that there was really no reason for me to write my own take on the jamie/trevor origin story. it's been done, and by better writers than me. i just didn't feel the compulsion to write it, unlike the trevor/cole story, which was all mine.

anyway, the plan was to set up some tzjd undefined hooking up during their first season, and then have them stick around in california for the start of the offseason, and have cole come visit after the habs lost in the stanley cup finals (wow, remember when that happened?)

A week and a half later, there he is, waving at Trevor under the overhang at arrivals. Cole’s the most solid body Trevor knows. Dense, like he’s vacuum-packed down to size. Hugging him is like colliding with a mailbox. He presses his face into Trevor’s neck, quick, and Trevor’s not going to read anything into that. That’s just as high as Cole’s face goes.

cole's expecting trevor to get right back to hooking up with him, and trevor's not going to resist. meanwhile jamie still expects trevor to be hooking up with him. trevor sneaks in and out of bedrooms for an awkward few days. there was going to be a golf scene with cam york rounding out the foursome. i did not write any of this. here is an excerpt from my notes:

Need multiple instances of cole and jamie kind of flirting, or cole flirting with jamie and trevor able to tell that jamie likes it, and trevor’s kind of furious but he can’t say anything about it because he’s hooking up with both of them

eventually cole sees trevor sneaking out of jamie's bedroom and cole and jamie have a little talk and cole is unfazed and jamie's mind is blown. then here is the only bit i actually wrote:

It’s silent for a moment in the main room. Then Cole’s raspy voice says something, too low for Trevor to catch over the grind of the icemaker. He lifts his cup off the lever in time to hear Jamie bark a laugh in response. “Sure, yeah.” Trevor can see the TV from the refrigerator, but not the far side of the couch, where they’re sitting. He sloshes vodka over his ice, adds a splash of the first juice he sees, some pomegranate bullshit Trace left in the fridge, and rounds the corner just in time to see Cole climbing into Jamie’s lap. Kneeling over Jamie and smiling, always fucking smiling, he takes Jamie’s face in his hands and kisses him. “What the fuck?” Trevor says loudly, managing not to drop his drink on the floor. They ignore him so completely it has to be on purpose. Jamie’s eyes are closed, face tilted upward to Cole’s. Cole smiles against Jamie’s lips and rakes a hand backward through his hair, tipping Jamie’s head back so he can press in closer, kiss him deeper. Trevor knows what this is like from every possible angle. Knows what it’s like to have Cole in his lap, his smiling kisses, knows what’s under Jamie’s hands as they smooth down Cole’s back and settle on his ass. Knows what it’s like to get hard against Jamie’s stomach, feel Jamie hard underneath him. It’s like an out of body experience, seeing it all happen in front of him while he’s on the other side of the room. Jamie slips a hand under the hem of Cole’s tank top, and Trevor knows how the smooth muscles of his obliques feel, knows without even being able to see it that Jamie’s working a thumb under Cole’s waistband, rubbing it over his hipbone. He was first. He’s the tallest. And they’re just ignoring him.

i did also have some notes for the dialogue that eventually followed:

“And you could have told me you were banging your roommate now?”

“We’re not banging.”

“Oh, what are you calling it then?”

[] “Whatever you and I were doing.”

“Did Jamie get his dick sucked?”

“No?” Trevor says uncertainly, wriggling a little in Jamie’s lap. He would have sucked Jamie’s dick if he’d thought of it. That should count for something.

Jamie, patiently: “Nobody’s getting his dick sucked.”

“Trevor got his dick sucked and he owes me.”

Jamie tugs at his hair again. “I think he should pay up.”

“You can suck Jamie’s dick after. He did get silver.”

........i mean, maybe i could have made this dynamic work, if i'd gotten it written in that era. but probably not. i was much better served turning my attention to umich.

[doctornolonger]

Thoughts on the Vashta Nerada? In general I mean. I think they’re interesting. Though probably very hard to write for. In my mind (that hasn’t stopped Big Finish from trying, idk). What do you think?

If I wanted to write a story about living shadows accompanied by spooky people with skeleton faces, I'd just do another Faction Paradox!

In The Ghost Monument, there's a scene where the camera focuses on a normal-looking pool of water and the Doctor explains that it's full of "flesh-eating microbes, millions of them." This line may have ruined "microorganism swarm" villains for me permanently. Come to think of it, it's the same as midichlorians (The Phantom Menace's intracellular organisms which explain Force sensitivity). Something was undeniably lost when the Force stopped being – to abuse a term – ontologically simple: understood as a monolithic entity rather than something composed of parts. To give George Lucas some credit, I do believe that he would have redeemed midichlorians if the overwhelming fan backlash hadn't prevented him from elaborating further.

But I digress. In Silence and Forest, Moffat stops just short of "flesh-eating microbes". He's too much a poet for that. The Vashta Nerada are "microspores", an "infestation", a "the dust in sunbeams." He's combining ideas here, multiple angles for the old childhood terror / "familiar made uncanny" attack.* And – okay, he also says they're a "man-eating swarm". You can't win them all.

From a purely materialist perspective, a shadow isn't a thing in and of itself. It's the product of an object and a light source, and it cannot exist independently of either of those things. You might say that your shadow is "holding" something, but really that's just shorthand for "I am holding an object, so the shadow I have cast appears to be holding the shadow cast by the object in my hand." It's literally a trick of the light.

But in Peter Pan, shadows are objects in and of themselves. In that story they function not as they exist in material reality but as humans understand them: entities in their own right. Not a "light-object-patterns", a shadow. And in this lens, nothing stops them from existing separate from ourselves. This pivot from reality to the mind's understanding of reality – so to speak, from territory to map – is how ritual works across human societies, and it's what Faction Paradox is all about. In the territory, there were no days between 2 and 14 September 1752. In the map, there's enough to build an Empire.**

Even within the constaints he's built for himself, Moffat can't stop himself from having it both ways. On one hand, Vashta Nerada are allergic to light and hide in the shadows; on the other hand, they can actually encroach on the light and cast shadows themselves for spooky effect. The Doctor tells us, "Count the shadows" – a line straight out of Peter Pan. Or Interference.

*The FP series uses the same "familiar made uncanny" approach in the development of its mythology, but rather than the dust in sunbeams, its targets are the core elements of Doctor Who itself, and science fiction more generally.

**In fact, this is the only sense in which Faction Paradox can be said to be Faction Paradox. Lawrence Miles insisted that the Faction isn't interested in paradoxes at all; it chose the name Paradox not because of what paradoxes are in the territory but because of what the word means in the map: the opposite of the Great Houses' ideology of organized cause and effect.

Both of these bullets are actually the same point, and they're at the heart of what I tried to say in "Crimes Against History"…

***Apropos of nothing, a theory I'd forgotten I posted 6 years ago:

Or, since Faction Paradox may have been wiped from time at the end of the War, are the Vashta Nerada their now-person-less shadows?

[darkaviarymc]

So why tf are you living with a zionist? And why tf did you get married to one in the first place?

I've gotten anons asking invasive questions about my relationship with Troy and why I have yet to end it, and I've deleted each one. I don't know if you're the same anon, but I'm guessing you follow me because my latest #aviisleaving post has no notes and was less than an hour old when I received this ask.

But.

Due to recent events in this fandom, abuse has become a spotlight topic. I don't know if I would call my marriage abusive or not. But whether or not it is, my situation and my reasons for staying in it for the time being is similar to what abusive victims face. There are many reasons not to leave, to bide your time before leaving, and to not be able to leave at the time or even at all, and I think it's an important discussion to have.

I'll start by explaining why I'm with him in the first place. We used to be closer ideologically. He wasn't always this far right and (this is where I make a confession that idk if I'm actually ready to make, but here we go) I wasn't always this far left. Seven years does a lot to change people, for better or worse. I was a left-leaning centerist, he was a right-leaning centerist, and we met in the middle to either compromise or peacefully agree to disagree.

We were both nerdy autistic weirdos with the same taste in music, same sense of humor, and enough ideologically in common to make peace. He got along well with my daughter and was quick to let me know that, if we ever got married, he'd consider her his kid as if she was his own.

I'm hyper-romantic. I see romance basically everywhere I look, and I fall in love hard and fast. He wasn't used to having a woman (my egg hadn't cracked yet, we'll get to that) who wasn't an absolute bitch be interested in him, so he fell harder than he ever had. We also both hated our situation at home, and I wouldn't pretend that wasn't a factor. We rushed the relationship and got married before we'd been together a year.

Everything changed for me when I realized I was queer.

I found the community I'd been denying for my whole life, and I learned a lot. He was an ally then. A flawed one, but he was willing to try. He was supportive of me when I came out, first as bisexual and then as nonbinary.

But everything changed for him when the wreck happened. He was driving with our mutual best friend in the front passenger seat when he lost control on black ice and slid into oncoming traffic. Our friend died at the scene, and Troy's injuries left him permanently disabled. He's since regained his independence, but he'll always struggle with his left arm.

We both took solace in our faith (I'd still consider myself a Christian, feel how you feel about that, I've heard it all) but he got lost in Christian Reddit, then Christian TikTok. Christian TikTok led to Evangelical TikTok, which led to transphobic, homophobic, MAGA, and zionist TikTok.

He ate that shit up. He fucking chugged that kool-aid. It gave him something besides himself to be angry at.

Grief opened my mind and closed his. It softened my heart and hardened his.

It just went downhill from there.

And now I can't live with this. I know he can't either, and the only reason he hasn't initiated a separation is because 1) there's no biblical grounds for divorce because I haven't cheated on him, and 2) he doesn't think a fat, autistic, disabled nerd in his 30s with a small dick and $30,000 in medical debt could ever find a godly wife. His words, not mine.

So if I want what's best for myself, my daughter, and yes, even for Troy, I need to be the one to leave.

So why haven't I yet?

First and foremost, money. We live in a society blah blah blah. Our society isn't friendly single mothers, queer people, or disabled people, and I'm about to be all three. I need to be 100% certain that I can support not only myself, but a high support needs autistic teen daughter who will likely never be able to live independently.

We currently only have one working vehicle, and aren't in a financial place to remedy that. I will need my own form of transportation if I'm going to be on my own.

All of my preparations (housing, transportation, moving logistics, etc) will have to be enacted quickly and perfectly. Surgical precision packing, moving, and stocking up on groceries so I don't have to leave the house for a while within 24 hours. Why? Because his family can't have any forewarning. I would not be safe. Currently, I'm not safe emotionally, but if I mess up even one step off the plan, if I'm not perfect in my exit strategy, I won't be safe physically, and neither will my daughter. I won't elaborate further on that.

Not only do I have to leave perfectly, but I have to be 150% positive months in advance that I can keep perfect. Because he has friends and family in places that could be dangerous for me, not the least of which is CPS. I fully expect to have them at my door by the end of the first month. I can't give them cause to take my daughter, even if it's the smallest, stupidest thing. Especially since they'll already have a small, stupid thing. Namely, my queerness and my disability.

Because I'm under no impression whatsoever that Troy won't out me to every single person who I can't safely be out to the instant he gets the chance. I will have no more help from (and possibly no contact with) my family. I will be completely alone. My support system will be gone forever. I have to be emotionally, mentally, and financially ready for that.

And I am none of those things right now.

And until I am, I have to do whatever I can to keep myself safe enough to bide my time for the right opportunity.

[igarbagecannoteven]

2022 Writing Evaluation

thanks so much @clumsyclifford , @allsassnoclass , & @jbhmalumm for tagging me in this! i'm gonna talk about my fics in all fandoms even tho this is my music blog bc i don't have anything separated into pseuds (i strive for chaos on my ao3 account) putting it under the cut bc i'm sure it's gonna be long lol

number of stories posted on ao3: 25! 18 in 5sos, 4 in hp, and 3 miscellaneous fandoms

word count posted for this year: 40,705

fandoms i wrote for: 5sos, hp, discworld, doctor who, & dungeons and daddies

pairings: lashton (4), cashton (3), muke (2.5) (bc they're background in one), malum (2), cake (2), mashton (1), penelope/percy (1)

story with the most kudos/bookmarks/comments: burnt eggs & broken promises has the most kudos, do you wanna touch (yeah) and permanent jet lag are tied for most bookmarks, and fear the fever has the most comments

work i’m most proud of and why: i'm proud of almost all of the work i put out this year, and there are a couple ones that immediately spring to mind, but i'm going to really come out of left field here and say Being Hannah Abbott! "but megs," you might say, "why on earth would you pick the only fic that has zero kudos? it's definitely not your best written work of the year." to which i say, true! however, i have been trying to get this fic right since 10th grade! i'm now a senior in college! "but megs it's significantly less than 1k how did it take you that long" listen! listen. sometimes. you have to wait until you're good enough to finish a fic. this has more than 5 docs of different drafts saved to my laptop. also you're forgetting the fact that i'm insane

work i’m least proud of and why: okay listen. i know it's my most kudos'd work. i know that. however i am not happy with burnt eggs and broken promises. bella left me a lovely long comment on it recently that made me rethink my feelings towards it but i still think it isn't as good as it could have been so sorry folks

share or describe a favorite review you’ve received: i love it when people tell me i made them cry it's my favorite thing in the whole world best compliment to receive imo

a time when writing was really, really hard: you're assuming i remember what i was experiencing earlier in 2022 which is where you've made your mistake slkdjflskdjf ummmm i remember have a really hard time this fall semester, especially in september/october, i just couldn't get any motivation whatsoever (which tends to be my biggest problem tbh)

a scene or character you wrote who surprised you: goood question,,, you know, i really wasn't expecting to ever write a mcu au and yet pining is a strange sort of mcu au. i originally was going to write it so one half of the pairing got lost at sea and their bf was waiting on shore not sure if they were dead or alive, but the characters did not want to be like that at all which is how i ended up with poor post-snap calum (who may be getting a happy sequel someday shhh)

a favorite excerpt of your writing: i love the transformation scene in fear the fever. i just love writing body horror for some reason and i've always had strong opinions about what i think vampires & their transformations are like physically and it was a blast to get to explore that in this fic :))

how did you grow as a writer this year? i think a lot of my growth happens slowly over time and therefore is hard to pinpoint, but i took a creative writing class in the spring on opening a novel and that helped me rethink the way i start fics now. also i learned to think more about what i want out of my fic! thinking about why i write and why i post fic really helped me realize what fic writing advice to take and what to ignore (if you're like me and the goal of a fic is to write the concept the best you can, than posts talking about how it's okay to post random, unedited snippets are not actually helpful and can actually be counter-intuitive)

how do you hope to grow next year? i really want to write more often and be more disciplined about writing. as always i want to learn how to be better in the craft aspect in general (which is a goal i expect to always have, since i'll never be perfect at it) and i'd also like to be better with subtext & symbolism & ~themes~ bc i always forget to those last two and my subtext is, in my opinion, rather lacking at the moment

who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc)? bella is the best live-in cheerleader/rubber duck a writer could ask for, and i would be royally screwed without her 💙 hazel is always an incredible virtual cheerleader/ideas bouncer and i am dearly in her debt, and meghna is wonderful for fueling my wacky ideas-mobile; i am incredibly lucky that they're just a discord dm away 🥰 also she's 100% not going to see this but my mom finished her mfa program this year and has been working on finishing her novel, and writing with her and talking shop together has been very helpful in keeping me at the keyboard and with more thematically technical details (little does she know it's for my rfp fanfic lol)

anything from real life show up in your writing this year? yep! lots! keep you safe (safe as i can), an hp fic, reflects some of my worries about my little bro growing up; Questions Involving Vampires & Skirts, while not reflective of my own gender, does reflect some of my weird gender-y fuckery; just dance (gonna be okay)'s michael shares my feelings regarding dancing in empty elevators; do you wanna touch (yeah) is inspired by me visiting a craft store with my fam and touching basically everything in the store; permanent jet lag is based off of flying international with my baby bro who is Very Tall; & glasses is based off of my truly awful eyesight and how i still feel like if i have my glasses off people can't perceive me lol (yes you heard it here first folks, megs has the object permanence of a toddler)

any new wisdom you can share with other writers? write! have fun with it! go to irl critique groups if possible! don't expect things to be perfect on the first draft, because most people's first drafts are shit and that's okay! challenge yourself! don't be afraid to embrace the cringe! it's okay to settle unless it's gonna make you miserable! eat your writing frogs! don't be afraid to ask for help! get a rubber duck!

any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year? i really want to finish tis the damn fic. i'd love for it to be ready to post by december. i'm kneeling at my prefrontal cortex begging it to get its shit together enough to finish it. i'd also love to finally finish my another place songfic bc that will mean my writing's reached the level where i can actually figure out how to write the dang thing which is the dream

tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read: idk who all's done it/been tagged so if you've already done it just ignore me! and if you don't want to do it you can also ignore me lol but i'll tag @werewolfashton , @reveriesofawriter , @userbadomens , @calumthoodshands , @pixiegrl , @valiantnerdtm , & anyone else who wants to! (if you've been mainly writing for another fandom you can talk about that one as well/instead, all up to you!)

[theinsanecrayonbox]

X-Force #37

“Time for the big reveal of the main villain that we’ve all been waiting for!” Yeah…the main villain that I literally only learned about last issue, oh yeah so much anticipation (I kid (somewhat) because yes I only started reading this at #29 or whenever)

Anywhos, we pick up where we left off. Beast bragging how he’s so smart for letting the bad guy steal a respawning egg that he totally can’t use and they can use to track him (spoiler: that failed, bad guy is winning, beast is terrible). Deadpool is bored, Arkady stares at a walk in between throwing Wade off a waterfall (see my previous post about that). Then this

1) we are still allergic to editorial boxes cause Dom’s referencing things still

2) kinda interesting Arkady is included in the scene about ‘reawakening lost memories’ after I went off about the wall maybe referencing Weapon X-Force. And no he did not *need* to be in this scene, Sage and Beast were not in the waterfall break room, he didn’t need to follow Dom in there.

We spend a bunch of time with our villain, since you know, gotta establish the newly introduced bad guy’s motivations.

Ok I won’t harp about Arkady’s coils having nothing to do with his biology, since it seems Logan’s metal and Wade’s costume were cloned too…I will however question why Dom is the only one with clothing (Wade excluded). But also, yet another shot of (an) Arkady in a tank naked with well placed bubbles lol

Wait a second that’s an editorial box!! Wth! You get this was important to site, but all of Dom’s stuff isn’t??? Did Dom’s stuff actually all happen off panel to begin with and that’s why we get no reference notes?

Oh the memo answers my questions about how if the kid was a baby he aged so fast. But wow, he was one of the ‘here it’s your problem now’ babies. Like wow. The island of stupid’s childcare system is still just as terrible if genetic terrorists can steal babies.

So Dom gets a mind meld to get her missing memories back to help them find the bad guys. One would think those would’ve been permanently deleted by now…

Oh peacock man is making mutants for Mikhail…because that’s such an important plot point…but wait I thought he wanted to make super humans?

We get our bad guy’s backstory. He’s a clone, created by the Genengineer (or however that’s spelt), a guy I’ve never heard of and I’m too lazy to look it up right now. Basically he was being Dr Moreau but with mutants instead of animals, and peacock man has mega levels of clone angst about it so thus is doing the same exact thing. Yeah. Not really that compelling. *shrugs*

The gang heads for the bad guys

Awww friends sharing secrets lol. But seriously I wonder what Arkady did actually whisper, and if Wade’s just hamming it up to annoy him.

Omr another caption box. Now I’m really confused why nothing Dom says about her time being peacock man’s pincushion was sited.

But our chapter ends with the gang arriving in the island to be ambushed by skinless monkeys (are they in dnd now??) and peacock man revealing his super Frankenstein hybrid of X-Force members and…it’s far less silly than the one from that cover, but it’s still terribly silly.

Overall this was serviceable I guess. It did info dump a lot about the villain all at once, but if the final act so I guess it’s the time too. Kinda annoying though that the only plots going on in the X-books lately are either “The Island if Stupid has infighting” or “Crazy scientist is making super mutants” because yeah…X-Force has the same base plot as Sabretooth/Exiles right now.

[erindrifter]

OK. So, I've mentioned that I'm starting a DnD campaign in a bit, and I've worked something out a bit. There's a fair amount of lore that needs to be established right off the bat, as it is important to the overall story. I am also not good at figuring out how to start a story, so it'll basically be a cutscene to start us off. Hopefully someone will be a paladin, or maybe a cleric. A warlock will do in a pinch. Either way, this is the opening scene of my campaign (put under the cut so the post isn't too long)

(Player), you open your eyes, and you are standing guard in a large auditorium. The walls are made of bright white stone, with stained glass windows depicting scenes of nature and of the sea. The window on the back of the room is a large symbol, a swirling shape that resembles a wave.

There's a line of people lining the middle of the room, leading from out the door to right in front of the symbol, where there is a large green gemstone glowing as if from within. Everyone in the line is in some way hurt, some seeming like they had a rough day tilling their fields, and some obviously from the field of battle.

As the next person in line approaches the gemstone, a priest guides their hand to touch the stone, which flares brightly, and stream of power covers the petitioner and heals them. The petitioner smiles and walks back to the front doors as a soldier approaches, grievously wounded. As he touches the stone, it only heals some of his wounds, and he is carried off to one of the several side rooms.

In your mind, you know this to be a temple of Melora, where the people can petition her to heal them and sometimes bless them in their endeavors. In fact, this is one of the largest temples to Melora yet constructed, and thus is a target. That's why you and your guards are here.

You don't watch the other petitioners. You've seen enough healings already, it was part of your training to get the wonder of the act out of your head. You are here to do a job. Specifically, to watch for infiltrators. Infiltrators like... him.

A man, standing tall, trying to pretend a broken leg, but standing will little weight on the crutch. You gesture and approach him with another guard. He sees you coming, but you easily dispatch him, stabbing him in the gut as he twists the crutch, too late revealing the sword he kept there.

As you drag the body outside, the afternoon sky starts to go dark. That's not uncommon in this time, but as people start to scream, you look up.

The sun is being blotted out by a moon. A moon that was not there before. A moon that is getting closer and closer.

As if from every direction at once, as well as from deep within your own mind, you hear: "HE DARES TO STEP INTO MY DOMAIN AND USE IT FOR DESTRUCTION?"

There is a flash of light as a symbol of a crescent moon appears in the sky in front of the moon, before it collapses into itself and releases a massive blast of energy into the new moon, carving out an immense chunk, and stopping it in it's place, now in a permanent crescent.

Someone tried stepping into Sehanine's realm, and lost. You smile. Sehanine has long been an ally of Melora, so this victory almost feels like your own. You wonder who made the attack. Surely nobody thought that would actually work. Unless...

You hear the cry too late. The cry to take shelter inside the temple from an imminent attack. But, as you see the very horizon shift into the form of an impossibly large creature, you know that it would do them no good.

You stand your ground as the creature slams into the mountainside the temple is located on.

You stand your ground as you see the mountain collapse, sending debris everywhere.

You stand your ground as the avalanche comes straight for you.

The temple flares with a bright green light as the rocks hit. You feel every single one of them hit, breaking you almost instantly beyond what even Melora can heal.

You gasp as you open your eyes, sitting up from your bed, breathing heavily. You are in the inn you rented yesterday. You are not a guard in some temple.

In fact, would you like to describe your character for the rest of the table?

[brummiereader]

@mischievouslittlecreature what's that sound? Ah yes, it's the sound of Luca seething about his stupid mistakes...it's bliss😌🥰.

I was there enjoying Luca getting told of by his mum for the billionth time 😂. I loved the scene you set with the descriptions of him sat chewing his tooth pick among the destruction he'd caused.

We’ll get her back.” “No, you won’t. Thomas isn’t going to let her out of his sight now.”But why is he still not listening? Hasn't he learnt his lesson yet? Listen to ya mama you fool! He's so smug to think he'll ever get that chance again. Mrs Changretta was right, if he wanted to cause unimaginable pain to Tommy, he should have taken Lucy out straight away. Good thing he's an idiot and didn't listen, because I can't have Lucy leaving Tommy alone in the world. I don't even want to imagine the depths of despair he'd reach if that ever happened 😭.

Ok, my weakness will always be seeing Tommy completely broken, but it's also animals. Asher's reaction to seeing Lucy was...💔. The fur baby just wanted to cuddle up to his mum and make her feel better, but I fear that even his body against hers would be enough to cause poor Lucy excruciating pain.

You really captured Tommy's heartache during this scene we've these little lines... Ada rested a hand on his upper arm while he bowed his head. “I don’t know what kind of permanent damage that might’ve done.”-"she looked at his hand still clasped tightly in Lucy’s. It's like the life's being sucked out of him as he watches Lucy sleep, he can't bare it 😔.

“I can’t stay here.” I can’t watch you love someone else. Oh Lizzie, would you please shut the fuck up. I don't care if she didn't say it, she thought it. Which means, she still doesn't give a shit about everything that's happend and is STILL thinking about herself. Please, can she stay in that little house so we never have to deal with her snotty remarks again??

I don't think I was quite prepared to see Lucy so weak, so fragile and scared in the next scene. I've seen glimpses of her doubtung herself, battling with her lack in confidence, but the following scenes were she's zoning in and out, thrashing half asleep during her nightmares was unbearable to see 😔.

“What use am I to you now?” she forced herself to ask in a hoarse whisper. Tommy’s eyes widened, scooting closer to her. I'm seriously so dumb that I didn't realise how being in that position for multiple days on end would effect the nerves in your arms. This honestly scared me for Lucy, not because I don't think she'll be able to maybe recover but because of what it will do to her already fragile mind. She's always someone that needs to have something to do, and this is only going to create more unease in her that she's no longer useful to Tommy, no matter what he says.

But he's right, she's more than an assassin. She has an incredibly sharp mind. I think it will take her time to realise that she might not be able to do the things she once could if it comes to that.

The part where she had her nightmare and how Tommy grounded her was so powerful to read, I loved every second of it. It's a tip I've used during my own panic attacks, I wouldn't be surprised if it's something Tommy has learnt to do over the years when his own anxiety and PTSD takes a turn.

You’re a good nurse.”- His chest buzzed pleasantly against her ear with a quiet chuckle. “You’re high as a kite, love.” He kissed the top of her head. “Go back to sleep.” ❤️ aww, I couldn't help but smile at this little part. Even though she may have been up with the fairies, I really think Tommy needed that playful normality from her before he too lost it to the horrors of Lucy's physical and mental state.

He had hardly left her side for the last week. Even getting him to let her use to loo on her own had taken a significant amount of convincing. Stop 😭! I knew he'd be velcroed to her 🥰.

Tommy's care and affection towards her is top tier right now👌🏼. He's so mindful about everything ❤️. But this scene is at the boxing match....which means, shits about to hit the fan...again 😳😬. And it also means that Tommy's attentions are gonna be drawn to Arthur and what's about to happen to him. She better not be left alone, not for one second!

Excited to see what happens, and see how Lucy continues to recover from everything. Eek 😍!

Part 21: The Shadow of the Abattoir

Fandom: Peaky Blinders

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x OC

Summary: Lucy begins the long recovery from what Luca did to her, while the Shelbys prepare for Bonnie's boxing match.

Word Count: 5,254

Notes: Warnings for depictions of PTSD, injuries, chronic pain, and references to torture.

Previous Chapter • Series • Fic • Next Chapter

Chapter 26: Lost Forever

Audrey entered Luca’s room to find it in complete disarray. The papers that he kept spread across his desk were all over the floor, chairs and tables overturned in the sitting room, a lamp smashed on the thin rug, along with the shattered remains of crystal glasses and a decanter filled with amber liquid.  

Her eyes swept over the scene of destruction, lips pursing. 

When Matteo came to her lodgings, eyes wide and begging her to please come at once, she had almost sent him away. She probably would have, had it been anyone else asking for her help. She was the matriarch of the Changretta family, and she answered the summons of no one. 

“Luca,” she said, stepping deeper into the room, towards where he was seated on the couch, staring straight ahead, gnawing so hard on the toothpick wedged between his teeth that she thought he might splinter it in half. Glass crunched under her heels.

She lowered herself into the seat beside him, keeping her back straight, watching her son scrutinizingly. 

“What happened?”

He didn’t answer her, and Audrey bristled. 

“When your mother asks a question, you answer it, Luca.”

“She got away,” he growled, eyes still staring straight ahead. “She fucking got away.”

“Who?”

“The Red Demon. Lucy Winters.”

Audrey felt her stomach fall into her toes, though she did not let it show on her face. “How?”

Luca shook his head. “Shelby found her, we think. The fucking gardener was found this morning, laid out on the doorstep of one of our old businesses, with his throat cut and his eyes torn out.”

“The gardener talked? But I thought you had men protecting him…”

“Yeah. Two men who we can’t locate. They were last seen at a pub with Smith. They were probably drunk when the Peakys arrived. Didn’t stand a fucking chance. Not that anyone who was at the pub that night will tell us anything.”

Audrey cursed in Italian under her breath. “But you left guards with Winters.”

“They’re all dead.”

“All of them?”

“Yes. Shelby must have killed them all.”

“Or she did.”

Luca finally looked at her. “She was barely able to stay conscious when I left her. She’s cut up and beaten within an inch of her life. There’s no way that she–”

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop underestimating her before you listen to me!?” With a sharp, controlled movement, she cuffed him around the back of the head like she used to when he was small. “If any of your men gave her so much as a sliver of an opportunity, I promise you that she took it.”

“And killed all of them?”

She looked around the room, a casualty of Luca’s wrath undoubtedly after he learned the news of Winters’s escape. Her mind wound back to when Lucy Winters first arrived in Small Heath. The stories that had soon began to follow her. “She’s done it before.” She turned her gaze back onto her son. “You should have just killed her when you had the chance.”

“We’ll get her back.”

“No, you won’t. Thomas isn’t going to let her out of his sight now.” Frustration mounted in her veins, making itself known through a venomous look thrown Luca’s way, shaking her head. “You had the opportunity of a lifetime. You had her in your clutches. Do you understand how profound of an effect her death would have had on Thomas? They say he went half mad with grief over his wife’s death. What do you think killing Winters would have done to him? It would have crippled him. Or we could have used her as a bargaining tool. Or bait. Something.” She stood, towering over him, her disappointment mounting with every passing moment. How could he have been so stupid!? “And you just wanted to play out some silly little revenge fantasy. Instead of actually using your victory to your advantage. Your father and I taught you better than that.”

“Isn’t that what this all is? Revenge, mother? I was paying her back for all the pain she’s caused. She was there when they tortured my father. She’s already killed more than a handful of our men. She deserved to know what it felt like. Besides, she’s not going to be much use to Shelby at all with how badly injured she is.”

Audrey shook her head. No use. He really thought that the woman who likely kept Thomas Shelby standing upright with her mere presence was of no use to him. “You have not listened to a single word that I’ve said, have you?”

Luca looked up at her, hurt cracking across his eyes. “I’ve done everything that you’ve told me to do.”

Head shaking back and forth, she went to the door.

“There’s the boxing match next week. We’ll strike a blow, then,” Luca called after her. 

“Better pray it’s a big one, then. Because you’re running out of time.”

∗ ∗ ∗

Lizzie pushed the door to the bedroom open with her fingertips, peering in to find Lucy asleep, curled on her side in bed, a quilt pulled up over her chest, bandages wrapped around what looked to be most of her body. Tommy was hunched over in a chair at her bedside, Lucy’s hand in his. Ada was standing next to him, her hand on his shoulder while she looked down at Lucy’s sleeping figure. 

“How is she?” she asked. Tommy cleared his throat, wetting his lips. 

“Her back is…shredded. He whipped her,” Lizzie saw his hand tighten where it rested against his knee. “He reopened all her scars from…” he paused as if unable to bring himself to actually say it out loud, “from what happened to her in London before she came to us.”

“Jesus,” Ada breathed, a hand going to her lips. 

“She took a bullet to her shoulder. I removed it. Cleaned and stitched her up. Gave her something for the pain and to help her sleep.” He rubbed a hand down his face. “She said that he bound her from the ceiling so that she was dangling with her arms above her head for days. I don’t…” he had to pause to get his voice under control. Ada rested a hand on his upper arm while he bowed his head. “I don’t know what kind of permanent damage that might’ve done.” 

“But she’s alive.”

“Yes,” he agreed, though there was something in his voice that seemed to indicate that he wasn’t wholly confident in that statement. 

“I’ll take Charlie for a few nights. He shouldn’t see her like this.”

“Thank you.” 

“And Polly and Arthur will deal with everything else for the time being. You don’t need to worry about it. There’s still Bonnie’s boxing match with Alfie’s boy, but…”

“Someone needs to call Alfie and tell him we found her.”

“Already done. He said to tell you that he’ll deal with the last few arrangements that need to be made for the fight.”

“Right.”

“Doctor Evans will be here within an hour.”

“Good.” Lizzie wondered if the doctor was going to be in for a good scolding for not coming right as soon as he was called.

There was the clack of nails against the hardwood floor in the hallway, and then Asher was squeezing around Lizzie’s legs, nosing open the slightly ajar door to wander into the bedroom. Bypassing both Tommy and Ada, he raised his head to sniff at Lucy’s face. His tail drooped, ears falling downwards as a small whine left his throat. Tommy reached out to stroke the dog’s back. 

“I know, boy. I know. She’s okay.”

Asher looked back at him, then to Lucy, whining again. Tommy drew him away gently.

“Let her sleep, Ash.”

The black shepherd let out another soft whine, laying down next to the bed with his head on his paws, his dark brown eyes fixed dutifully on Lucy, watching over her protectively.

“Do you need anything else?” Ada asked, hand smoothing up and down Tommy’s back.

“No.”

“Call me if you do. I’ll gather up Charlie and head home. I think Polly was planning on sleeping over in one of the spare rooms.” She stood. 

“Ada,” he called, mindful to still keep his voice quiet enough that he would not wake Lucy. She turned back to him. “Thank you.”

She gave him a tiny small and a quick nod, before going to the door. Her grave gaze met Lizzie’s, reaching out only to give her a squeeze to the arm before heading to the stairs, leaving her standing in the doorway alone. 

Hands ringing together, Lizzie turned back to the bedroom, taking a cautious step forward into the room. 

“Tommy?”

He started at the sound of her voice, head raising. His eyes looked red rimmed and tired. “What?”

She ignored the bite of hurt at his sharp tone, reminding herself that he’d had more than a trying couple of days. “I’m going to go home.” 

His gaze sharpened. “Luca knows where you live.”

“I know, but I don’t think he’ll come after me right now. And…” she looked at his hand still clasped tightly in Lucy’s. Her heart twisted and fractured in her chest. “I can’t stay here.” I can’t watch you love someone else.

Tommy’s eyes searched hers, and she swore that she saw a spark of guilt as he read what was likely obvious in her gaze. “Does your house have a spare room?”

Her annoyance flared. “You’d know if you actually came to visit.”

Tommy looked away, jaw tightening. She took a deep breath.

“Yes, it does.” Her voice was softer.

“Skudboat will be sleeping there until the vendetta is over. And I’ll have multiple armed guards watching the house at all times. Isiah will be re-vetting all of your staff too, before they come back to work.”

“Fine.”

“All right, then.”

That was clearly her cue to leave, but she hesitated, gaze shifting to the tiny figure curled up on the bed. “Is she going to be okay?” she asked, voice hardly a whisper. Tommy’s shoulders heaved, and for a second she thought that he wouldn’t answer. 

“No. No, she won’t.” His voice was low and mournful, as if she had died and was gone forever rather than asleep right in front of him. A shiver went down Lizzie’s spine, looking in slight alarm at the woman who’d caused her so much emotional turmoil. 

Three days of brutal torture. That was enough to leave anyone scarred in and out for life. She wondered in what ways Lucy would be changed after this.

Chilled by the thought, Lizzie quickly made for the door.

∗ ∗ ∗

“Lucy.”

She sat on the edge of the bed, hands resting on the mattress on either side of her, eyes staring blankly at a spot on the floor. Tommy pushed the bedroom door closed with a click behind Doctor Evans, leaving Polly to escort him out while he came to sit down beside her. 

“Sweetheart?”

A choked off sob left her lips, hand flying to her mouth a second too late to try to contain it. 

“Hey,” he wrapped his arm around her carefully, pulling her into his side. “It’s okay.”

She shook her head furiously from side to side, turning her face to bury in his shoulder.

“It’s gonna be okay, baby. Doctor Evans said that all those cuts will heal…”

Yes, to leave disgusting, raised scars in their wake. 

But that wasn’t even what was really bothering her. 

“My-my shoulders…” she managed to whimper out, and she felt Tommy tense a little against her. 

“He said with time and the right exercises, you might be able to minimize the long-term damage done to them…”

She shook her head. She’d seen the look in Doctor Evans’s eyes, same as he had. That much time spent with her arms positioned over her head, with her entire body weight dangling from them, had likely done catastrophic damage to the nerves. And yes, he may have given her a set of exercises and stretches to do once the inflammation went down and her cuts healed enough that she wouldn’t risk reopening them, but she had seen it in his face. It would never be the same again. Her range of motion in them would be permanently impacted, and she’d likely have pains in them for the remainder of her life. 

“I can’t…I might not be able to…” Why couldn’t she just get the bloody words out? Was she really so useless now that she couldn’t even speak? “What use am I to you now?” she forced herself to ask in a hoarse whisper. Tommy’s eyes widened, scooting closer to her.

“What do you mean?”

Her mind tumbled over itself with all the potential implications that her injuries could have. “What if I can’t fight anymore? Or the pain gets so bad I can barely function? What if I can’t do my job? Or…or…or…” her chest started to spasm, cinching hard and closing off her ability to speak, sobs and harsh gasps rattling in her lungs. 

“Lucy, Lucy, Lucy…” Tommy gathered her up in her arms, pulling her in close to his chest. “Shh,” he started to rock her from side to side, hand cradling the back of her skull protectively. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.” There was so much confidence in his voice that she was in danger of actually believing him. “I’ll take care of you. If you need physical accommodations for anything, we’ll sort them out, all right?”

“But–”

“Love, you’re useful for far more than just swinging fists.” Tommy tried to reassure, leaning back to smooth away her tears with his thumbs, cradling her face in his big palms. “Don’t worry about any of that right now. There’s nothing that could ever make me toss you aside, okay?” His lips brushed against her forehead. “All you need to focus on is healing and resting, eh?”

She swallowed, nodding shakily, taking a deep breath to try to steady herself. Gaze fixing with Tommy’s, she let the deep blue of his eyes ground her, reminding her that she was safe and looked after. Tommy gave her a small, reassuring smile. 

“Good girl. C’mere.” He guided her gently into laying back down on the bed on her side, and she felt a pulse of fondness at the way he immediately began fussing over her. Fluffing her pillow and pulling the blankets up to her chin. “What do you need? Are you hungry? I think Ada or Polly made soup, if you want some.” He stood at her bedside, ready to jump at any request she might give him. 

“Could you just come lay with me for a bit?”

His eyes softened, nodding and climbing in under the blankets next to her. He rested his arm lightly around her waist, taking care not to touch her back or jostle her bandages.

“I’m sorry,” she rasped, cheeks warming at her little meltdown and how frantic and irrational she probably had seemed.

“Oh, sweetheart, no. You don’t have to apologize for anything.”  

Resting her hand on his forearm, Lucy rubbed her thumb back and forth against the soft material of his undershirt. He had changed into just a white Henley identical to the one he gave her to pull over her bandages, and a pair of trousers.

“I’m so sorry that I didn’t find you sooner,” he said, thumb stroking her cheekbone. 

She shook her head. “I know that you did the best you could.” Adjusting herself, she stifled a wince at accidentally placing too much pressure on her bruised ribs. There wasn’t really any part of her that she could lay on without any discomfort, but being on her side was significantly better than being on her back. “How did you find me?”

“Our boys found Lizzie’s gardener who sold you out. His name was Paul Smith. Xavier Smith’s father. You remember Xavier Smith, right?”

Ah, that explained why the old man gave her up, then. “Yes.”

“I got him to talk.”

“How?”

He looked down. She inched her face closer to his in encouragement, until their noses almost brushed. 

“I pulled out both his eyes.” The way that he looked at her suggested that he expected her to recoil in horror, but she did no such thing, hardly even blinking at the revelation.  

“Is he still alive?”

A tiny, half sheepish smile crossed Tommy’s lips. “No. Not unless he can live with his head nearly sawed off.”

“You did that for me?” she asked, eyes wide.  

“Of course,” Tommy said, as if there had never been any question in his mind that he would. “I had to find you.”

She put her head on his chest, weak arms looping around his middle. He rested his palms on her gingerly, careful not to pull at her bandages when he held her.

“Try to get some more rest.”

“When’s the fight between Bonnie and Goliath?”

“In a week.”

“I want to come.”

He drew back to look at her worriedly. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to overdo it.”

“I’m sure. I…” biting her lip, she glanced towards the window, then back at him. “I don’t want to be alone right now.”

He looked her up and down. “Okay.”

“Thank you,” she put her head on his chest, blinking slowly as exhaustion took hold of her once more. Tommy’s hand continued to pet at her hair. 

“Get some sleep, love. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

And he was, when she woke but only a few short hours later, screaming. 

Her brain was fogged over with panic, hands scratching and scrabbling, legs kicking to try to fight off the monsters that moments ago she had been certain were surrounding her.

“Lucy! Lucy!” 

Her eyes darted around the room madly, searching for any signs of Luca looming in the dark corners, wicked grin pulling at the corners of his lips as he prepared to elicit more pain onto her.

“It’s okay. You’re safe.”

A hand rested lightly on her shoulder, and she thrashed violently, crying out, swatting with flailing hands. 

“Get off of me!” she screamed, trying to scramble away. He was here. He was here and he was going to hurt her again unless she managed to get away…

“Lucy.” Two strong arms wrapped around her waist, pinning her arms to her sides, keeping her from rolling away. She tried to kick out, one foot colliding hard with the wall to her left with a bang. “It’s me. It’s me. Come here. Come here.”

Her breaths were coming out in fast, frantic little bursts, eyes bulging in their sockets. 

“Deep breaths,” the voice behind her commanded, and she felt a stockily built chest rise as its owner’s lungs filled with oxygen, then slowly lower as he let the breath out. “Match my breathing, come on.”

Her mind finally managed to catch up with what was going on around her, or at least enough that she was able to recognize that the voice rumbling her ear very much was not the hissing murmur that belonged to Luca Changretta. 

Her lungs stuttered, then almost unconsciously started to match the deep rise and falls of Tommy’s chest against her. 

“That’s my girl,” he said, at her growing still. “Do you see the pictures on the wall?”

She had to squint to make them out in the darkness, but across from the bed she found the painting of a horse standing in a forest, the leaves changing colors with the seasons and fluttering to the grass that the mare was grazing upon in a layer of reds, oranges, and yellows.

Tommy’s cheek was resting against hers, his breath warm against her ear. She could feel the rumble of his voice in his chest when he spoke again. 

“The items on the nightstand?”

Her gaze cast over. To the little lamp. A half filled glass of whiskey. An ashtray dusted with black ash, with too many cigarette butts to count smashed in its center.

“Uh huh.”

“He doesn’t have you anymore.” She felt Tommy relax as he felt the tension in her start to slip away. “You’re safe,” his lips just barely ghosted across her temple. “You’re safe, Lucy. There you go.” 

Certain that she was actually lucid and calmed, he loosened his grip on her, pulling away slightly to flick on the lamp, washing the entire room in its dull, golden glow. Lucy cringed and squinted at the sudden change in brightness. 

Sinking down into the mattress, she drew her arms up to her chest, tremors starting to wrack through her body, eyes welling with tears. Her back connected with the bed, and she sharply jerked away from it with a yelp. 

Whether it was that action that caused the following hurricane of pain, or just what drew her mind’s attention to it, she wasn’t sure. It didn’t entirely matter, the result was the same. She was suddenly deeply aware of just how much everything hurt.                 

It was howling within her, her wounds screaming and muscles aching. Her back once more felt as though it had been set ablaze. Her split skin throbbed. Her shoulders hurt so badly it sent sparks of white flaring across her eyes. 

A sob left her lips, twitching as though she might be able to wriggle away from the pain. But moving only made everything worse. 

“Luce?” And then Tommy was there, leaning over her with wide, worried eyes. “Sweetheart, what is it?”

“H-hurts…” she barely could get the word out, but it was enough. Tommy shot up, reaching for the nightstand, pulling from the drawer the bottle of morphine that the doctor had left for her, along with a prescription for more if she needed it. He snatched up the glass of whiskey, downing the remaining of the amber liquid, then pouring a small amount of her medicine into the glass. 

“Drink this,” he held it to her lips. The morphine was cold as it touched her tongue and slid down her throat. “Come here,” setting the glass aside, he reached out for her, smoothing his hand along the side of her face. “Look at me. Focus on my voice. Just give it a few minutes love, hm? You’ll be okay.”

Just as he said, it took only a few minutes, and the pain was dulled, her eyes starting to feel heavy again. 

“Sorry,” she mumbled, sniffing. Tommy shook his head. 

“It’s okay.”

With a sigh, she let her head rest on his chest. “‘M a fucking mess,” she lamented sorrowfully. 

“No, honey. No, you’re not. You’re just recovering. It’s alright. I gotcha.” He put his arms around her. “Light on or off?”

“Off.” It was too bright with it on. She felt his muscles flex against her as he reached over to flick it off. “You’re a good nurse.”

His chest buzzed pleasantly against her ear with a quiet chuckle. “You’re high as a kite, love.” He kissed the top of her head. “Go back to sleep.”

“You don’t have to stay.” She desperately wanted him to, but she didn’t want him to feel like he had to continue to stick around and gather up the pieces every time she fell apart. There was no doubt in her mind that she’d be waking up screaming and thrashing from nightmares probably for the foreseeable future. He was probably exhausted. He needed to rest too. “I’ll probably keep waking you up…”

“Good.” His thumb stroked her cheek. “I want you to wake me up every time that you need something.”

Her lips pouted with the desire to cry again at how nice he was being towards her. She stroked her fingers lazily across his chest, feeling how warm and strong he was; reassuring herself that she was probably as safe as was realistically possible when in the circle of his arms. 

His fingers curled under her chin, tilting her face up to look into his. “I love you, Lucy,” he kissed her softly, lips soft as a pillow against hers. Tears filled her eyes.

“I love you too.”

He smiled at her gently, placing another kiss between her brows. “Sleep,” he said, and encouraged her to snuggle back down into his chest. 

∗ ∗ ∗

Lucy stared at her reflection in the mirror in the washroom, hands gripping either side of the sink’s basin, knuckles white, lip caught between her teeth. Glassy, dead green eyes looked back at her, their judgment harsh and sharp. 

God, she looked fucking awful.

The bruises on her face had faded into unflattering shades of purple, green, and yellow. Her skin was sickly, eyes bloodshot and surrounded by dark circles.

And that wasn’t even taking into account the rest of her. She looked like she had been patchworked back together, like a blanket with dozens of holes in it that had been mended with other various scraps of fabric. Or maybe like a crude attempt at dressing up like Frankenstein’s monster. 

She knew that the other women–Polly, Ada, Linda, and Lizzie–had all planned to get dolled up in elegant, beaded dresses and expensive jewels and furs for the occasion of Bonnie’s boxing match. There was no way that she could go out like that. The best she would be able to do was dress in layers that would prevent her bandages from getting disturbed too much, and hope that she could hide most of the bruises on her face with makeup. 

Tugging at the white button down and trousers she had already pulled on earlier with Tommy’s help, she frowned, pulling her belt a few notches tighter to cinch more securely around her waist. After three days of being fed only tiny scraps of bread, she had lost weight. Also probably not helped by the fact that she’d barely had the appetite to eat anything save for small servings of chicken noodle soup for most of the past week.  

Leaning closer to the mirror, she dabbed a little more makeup over a bruise on her cheekbone, trying hard not to wince at the way that the movement pulled tightly at her shoulders. 

She did not realize just how much she raised her arms up over her head until she was practically unable to. She couldn’t even grab her favorite mug from the cupboard because it was on a high shelf.                  

A soft knock sounded at the door. “You okay in there, love?” Tommy’s voice called. Lucy sighed, rubbing at her face.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Be out in a second.”

He had hardly left her side for the last week. Even getting him to let her use to loo on her own had taken a significant amount of convincing. But she appreciated the worry. Frankly the idea of not being close to him was enough to have her teetering on the edge of a panic attack. 

Wiping her hands on a towel, she looked herself up and down one last time in the mirror, sighing and determining that this was probably about as good as she was going to be able to manage at the moment. 

When she stepped out into the hall, it was to find Tommy leaning against the opposite wall, turning a cigarette over and over between his fingers anxiously. He straightened when he saw her, wedging the cigarette between his lips and holding out a hand to help usher her back into the bedroom. 

Her fingers fiddled together as she stepped towards the bed, picking up her waistcoat and shoving her arms through the holes, thankful that it buttoned in the front so she wouldn’t have to raise her arms to get it on. Tommy approached her, reaching out to do up the buttons for her, then helping her into her matching suit jacket and coat. 

It felt strange to be in her normal clothes after over a week spent in bed in little more than one of Tommy’s shirts. Not exactly a bad strange, though. It would probably do her good to return to a routine.

Tommy smiled down at her, brushing a fallen curl back behind her ear. “Ready?”

“I look like shit.”

His brows pulled together, thrusting out a hand for her to take so he could draw her closer to him, head angling down to kiss her. “You look beautiful. C’mon.”

His fingers squeezed around hers as he led the way down the stairs and to the door. The fresh air, no matter how smoky, felt good on her cheeks after so many days spent cooped up inside. 

“You know, you don’t have to come if you aren’t feeling up to it. I’m sure Ada would be happy to stay with you,” Tommy said as they walked. His gait was noticeably slower than usual, to make sure that she wouldn’t struggle to keep up. 

Lucy shook her head. The idea of not being with him left her feeling panicky. 

“I want to stay with you.”

“Okay,” he didn’t question her. “But you let me know if you’re in pain. Or if you need to go home.”

“Okay.”

Once they got to the boxing ring, she stood at his side, keeping her cap on despite them being indoors, her head angled down to let the shadows it cast partially hide the bruises on her face. Her arms looped through his, hoping that it looked more like she was just lingering close to him as she so often did, and not because she needed to lean on him for stability. The shouts of men and the crush of bodies crowded together seemed louder and more overwhelming than usual. But that may have been because she was pretty sure that if someone jostled into her too hard, she would tip over.

Just before the first round started, Tommy drew her away, his grip firm to help support her as they weaved through the tight maze of hallways that made up the backrooms.

“I thought it would be good for us to sit somewhere quiet for a minute,” he explained, guiding her to a bench in one of the locker rooms. “How are you doing?”

“Fine,” she took the cigarette that he offered her, leaning into his side when he sat down beside her. He gingerly wrapped his arm around her, resting the side of his head against her hair. 

Her physical ailments aside, what unnerved her the most was her mind. That feeling of numbness and desolation that had overtaken her the day that Tommy brought her home had not abated. Had not even eased at all, really. 

Was this what her mind was to be like, now? Aching and constantly overstimulated? Both simultaneously feeling everything and nothing? 

She did not want to live like that.

“Lucy?” Tommy asked, thumb stroking her shoulder through the material of her coat.

“Thank you for taking care of me,” she blurted out. It really meant a lot; she knew that she wasn’t particularly fun to be around right now, and with the thousands of other things he had to worry about, that he’d chosen to prioritize her was no small thing.

“Love, you don’t have to thank me for that. It’s what we do.”

She allowed herself a small smile at that, despite the unending anxiety that plagued her; that feeling that there was yet another piece of her that had died in that church. A part of her that was lost forever. 

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[evwuniverse]

The Enchanted Library

For those who know me I'm the most significant book worm and my love for poetry keeps me looking for more regarding the written word. As an English major who graduated with an English Language and Literature Bachelors in 2019, this is right up my alley and makes a lot of sense. Today, I finally had a moment to sit down and take some time for myself and do a little exploring. It's important to note I was on vacation for the week which really didn't feel like a vacation so having this small moment meant a lot to me.

Along my exploration inside of Second Life this afternoon I stumbled upon a new art installation called "The Enchanted Library" Again this can be found inside second life by clicking here. This took my love for reading and books to a whole new level. Also for those who don't know me, exploring art installations is my all-time favorite thing to do in world.

To explore more on "The Enchanted Library" please continue reading below.

This sim was built with the poet and reader in mind and it all starts with falling down an "Alice in Wonderland's" rabbit hole into a whole other world. You are welcomed with a notecard that explains more about the sim, the individual (Kaneha Atheria) who has created it, and its significance. I truly recommend reading up on this before entering, it just connects more of the wonder!

Once you fall down this rabbit hole you enter a beautiful forest, books everywhere! There are so many places to sit and cuddle it's insane, there's even a place to take that special someone dancing. I'm going to be the first one to say that I'd even recommend taking someone here on a virtual date. It's a smaller place but it speaks volumes, there are different areas with different writings you can read by picking up the notecards. I spent 2 hours reading almost every piece of writing. Again if you're a poet (who didn't know it) this is someplace you can get lost in for a while. Just like the sims' title, it's a library with poetry, romance, and a great place if you're into whimsical photography. A lot of the themed forest is based on "Alice in Wonderland" which I'm okay with but it adds some vintage flair to the mix.

Are you ready for a scavenger hunt? I wasn't but at the same time, I'm glad I pushed myself to be ready!

Many of the book installations are interactive all you need to do is sit on them! The creator (Kaneha Atheria) has hidden 16 well-known book titles in many parts of the forest's landscaping. Some of them are actual books you can read, while others are objects from stories and there are even some scenes.

Some of these include the following;

A Christmas Carol

Alice in Wonderland

Baba Yaga

Cinderella

Dracula

Frankenstein

Game of Thrones

Harry Potter

Peanuts (Charlie Brown)

Peter Pan

Phantom of the Opera

Rumpelstiltskin

Snow White

The Frog Prince

The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

The Man With The Golden

One area I loved here was there was a meditation section near where one of the clickable books was to read some of the poetry. Just watching my avatar in pure bliss made me feel a similar way. It's amazing just how much a human on the other side of a computer screen can connect so closely with their avatars inside of a virtual world. It's truly an experience.

This is a more permanent area that she has created for meetings, events, and just a place to sit and enjoy! There is a group you can join if you wish, and you can share your photos with your amazing experience in this world on their Flickr.

Whether you enjoy reading, photography, exploring, dancing or just want a place to relax and take everything in by transporting yourself to a whole other world, this sim has a little bit of everything for everyone to enjoy. To be honest I may even host a hangout with a few friends here just to read some of the poems together.