#THIRD DEGREE BURNS at them :3“

[rockintapper]

hi im not asleep. why are people on tiktok threatening to throw hot honeybuns at homeless people 🫥

Please do not throw hot honeybuns at homeless people.

[biillys]

yeah idk what the fuck this is but got thinking about billy surviving and being in hospital??? whatever. here's this.

okay the idea of post-starcourt, billy surviving and having just two regular hospital visitors. max and tommy h. occasionally carol, too.

them sitting seats apart in the waiting room, waiting for billy to finally be stable enough to get moved from the ICU. watching on as surgeons and doctors tell neil to prepare for the worst. that the injuries billy suffered were catastrophic. to get ready to say goodbye.

except billy doesn't die. instead, he stays critical, he stays in the danger zone, under twenty four hour watch and care, for what feels like an eternity, and then suddenly, he's labelled critical but stable, and they're getting the details of his new room number, only two floors down.

max basically moving in to the seat beside him, visiting as much as possible, feeling so fucking guilty. can still hear billy begging and pleading in her head, 'please believe me, max' playing on loop whenever she tries to close her eyes. she avoids sleep now. has to be dragged home and to bed by susan most nights.

tommy coming after school and the occasional weekend, sitting by billy's bedside, having no clue what to do or what to say, doesn't even know what happened that night to put billy in such a state, just knows that he doesn't want to leave. thinks about the fact that billy used to be constantly surrounded by a group at school and on the court, at the pool, an audience wherever he went, and now, they're all nowhere to be seen.

billy taking forever to wake up, his injuries taking their toll, doctors throwing around words like vegetative state and low brain activity. tommy heard the murmurings of brain death and felt sick to his stomach, max turning to him with a white face, looking scared, and so fucking young.

but then, he does wake up, and suddenly everything's so much more complicated, but there's also a light at the end of the tunnel. the light being–billy's alive.

billy can heal, recover, live. build a future–a life–because he's alive.

he lived.

except it's not that easy, because living is hard. healing is hard. recovery is hard. surviving a nightmare you never asked to endure by the skin of your teeth hurts.

breathing hurts.

living hurts.

max wants to shake billy by the shoulders some days. tell him she watched him die on the floor. take his last breath. and now he's here, hooked up and monitored, a machine giving proof that his heart's beating every single minute of every single day.

billy wants to yank the wires off his chest, the needles out of his arms. he never asked to be saved.

tommy spent so long feeling clueless on what to say or do before billy woke up, wishing that he'd just open his eyes and show signs of life, so that they could just kick back and shoot the shit like they used to, billy heckling him and tommy letting him do it, that he never even considered this side of it. of billy being awake, and in more pain than tommy would probably ever feel in this lifetime. that the great, big, bad, billy hargrove, current reigning keg-stand king, could look so small and empty, completely lifeless of the guy he used to go to school with.

billy spends the first few weeks after waking up floating in and out of delirium, some days completely unaware of visitors and nurses alike, other days flinching at nothing, eyes darting around the room like it's a trap, and he's the prey. he doesn't seem to be aware of either of them most of the time, and the few times he's lucid enough to comprehend them, it's a toss up whether he even knows who they are.

he seems to recognise max more, giving her the cold shoulder one time when max tried to help him and the nurse with his bandages, him eventually bursting out a disjointed growl about his skateboard. the last time max made the mistake of touching billy's skateboard was way back when–years ago–before neil and susan had even gotten married. she backed off then, just like she did the first time, and two hours later, billy was back to looking at her like she was a stranger, and when she tried to say sorry, he looked at her like she was talking gibberish.

another time, he looks at max, desperation on his face, and begs her to call argyle to come pick them up. says that if she calls him now before dinner time, then argyle should be able to steal the pizza van and come get them, that they could both finally escape, that they'll be gone before their parents even notice them being late for tea. max feels bile rise in her throat. doesn't know how to tell him that they're not at home, and they're not in california. that he can't even sit up without help, let alone run away.

that susan hasn't been by in two days, his dad at least a week.

she can't hold back the few tears that slip, and just when she thinks he's about to get mad at her, he falls asleep.

he recognises tommy at least once. looks at him the most lucid tommy's seen him since he woke up and asks him in complete sentences if coach is mad that he's missing so much practice. tommy hesitates. remembers one of the nurses saying that going along with the confusion is okay. that trying to correct him can just lead to more confusion, that it could just lead to irritation and anger. swallows and tells him that he's fine. that coach wants him to just focus on recovering. 'they replaced me on the team yet?' he croaks, eyes wet but looking determined not to cry. tommy thinks about how the seasons over, high schools over, and there is no team to come back to. thinks about the special assembly they held in billy's name back when billy was still in the ICU, and classmates used him as an excuse to get extensions on their school work. opens his mouth to try fumble out a reply when a nurse walks in, and suddenly billy forgets he's even there, instead focused on fighting the nurse on his liquid dinner.

there's a journal on billy's hospital side table that's filled with mostly max's handwriting, but a fair bit of tommy's too. susan's scrawled in it once or twice, and billy's regular nurses and doctors take notes and read it over everyday. in it has the date of every single day that billy's been there since billy's regular night nurse suggested it, and any notes they think need sharing. 'remembered me today', 'hallucinating his father', 'eyes clear, talked in full sentences', 'fevered state, temper when awake', 'stayed awake for three consecutive hours', 'complained of the cold, didn't seem to be able to self-regulate body temperature'

billy being awake, and having no control.

he's never had control, not once his entire life, but this time, it's different.

when he was younger, up until just months ago, it was his own personal monster, trying to raise him in his own image. his dad. always around, overbearing, his every word becoming law. if billy stepped out of line, he'd know it, he'd pay for it, and he'd never forget it. he still managed to toe the line though, unable to just stand back and take whatever he was given. liked to pretend that maybe one day, he'd walk right over the line. get the last word in. maybe even fight back. take back every bit of control that had been taken from him.

then, it was a monster of a whole new kind, one that was bigger than him, bigger than the fucking world, and it was in his head, controlling his body, using his face and hands, and telling him things. picking him to pieces, every single broken part of him, until billy was nothing but a wreck, begging with the last few pieces of himself he could gather for someone to hear him, to help him.

and then, he slayed that monster with his bare hands, and he finally found peace, knowing it was all about to be over. he stepped over that line, and he took control back, he won, and it was done. he could sleep. he could rest. no more suffering, no more pain.

it was done.

but then he wakes up, and there's a beeping noise and there's needles and there's strangers hands poking and prodding him, there's a light that never turns off and the heat's never turned on, and he's so fucking cold and he can't fucking breathe, and he knows the girl sitting by his side is important, know's she threw up strawberry ice-cream after her middle school graduation, know's he pushed her off her surfboard the second time she caught a wave, knows he knows her name, how he knows her, but he fucking can't. opens his mouth to bitch at her for reading the shittiest comics to him, but it's like his mouth's not connected to his brain, and nothing comes out, his mind going completely empty the second he tries to string together a sentence, and he wants to scream, but he can't even do that, either.

listens to the nurses and specialists when they tell him about his future, about the step by step plan they have for him. about how he's a miraculous case and he has potential, that nothing's impossible, as long as he puts the work in. wants to tear the room apart and all their brochures and information sheets, all their fucking dreams, wants to yell at them all and ask if they really think he's got a future. he can't eat, he struggles to breath, he sure as shit can't walk, it's been weeks and he still can't even piss. and they all think he wants a future.

he wants to be in the dirt, or maybe drifting out to sea. wants to be weightless, where no pain can touch him, and nothing can hurt him.

he wants to be free.

they push the rehabilitation brochure forward.

he gathers enough motor skills to push the pamphlet to the floor, accidently knocking the cup of water, too.

they look at him with pity in their eyes.

he's too exhausted to even scream.

both the girl and the guy are there the next time he opens his eyes, and he looks at them and he knows their names. they ask him how he's doing. he goes back to sleep.

tommy h wouldve tried to save billy

[prettyboykatsuki]

WON'T YOU LEND ME YOUR FAITH? | R. ITOSHI

❁ tags ; fem!reader (reader dresses femininely + is referred to as a girl / with she/her pronouns), reader is shorter than rin , strangers to friends to lovers, fluff, getting together, rin is soo teenage boy (and makes some annoying teen-boy comments), slow-burn, making out is as suggestive as this gets, stereotypical shoujo romance, usage of honorifics, coming of age

❁ wc ; 21.4k (insane. most insane thing ive ever seen)

❁ a/n ; i'm genuinely appalled by the length of this fic. how did that happen. what in the world. this fic is truly just. every single shoujou manga trope crammed into one okay. my silly little self indulgent romance !!!!

also this fic is sfw + takes place in their third of hs so im not gonna say mdni that's silly. however if you're a minor please do not follow me i post heinous dark content and this fic is a fluke in the timeline dskffjkfd

❁ synopsis ; the love story of a sensitive, stoic soccer player and an eccentric wannabe journalist

or that time you confess to itoshi rin, knowing he'll reject you, and asking to befriend him in spite of it.

“I like you,” 

A breeze of wind passes.

“What?” 

You confess to Itoshi Rin at the start of the Spring semester. On the school rooftop with your head down. Bent at a near ninety degrees as you hold out what looks like a love letter.

For a minute, he can’t do anything more than stare. He’s received countless confessions in highschool. Half of which he rejected immediately, not even stopping to hear the full extent of their feelings. Why would he? The lukewarm ideas of first love had never been of interest. Even before his fight with Sae, Rin was always focused on his goals. 

After his second year of high school was spent in Bluelock, Rin has only returned for his third. He promised his parents he’d graduate properly, and Bluelock was off-season until Ego could fully prepare for the next stages. 

And a lot has changed since then. But some parts of him, namely his feelings towards the idea of conventional relationships, haven't changed at all. 

It’s only been a little less than three weeks since school had started, and by now he’s received more confessions than he can really remember. All of which he’s rejected coldly, and blankly, because Itoshi Rin has never been in the business of coddling anyone. Most of those girls he’s never even met. Knows nothing about them because they’re first or second years he’d never even spoken to. 

Rin, however, does know you. You’ve been in his class in all 3 years of his highschool, and he’s seen you around more than once. You’re in the newspaper club, which he remembers because you covered their winning match back when Rin was a first year. He wouldn’t call you friends, but you’ve spoken to each other enough that he can remember your name with a little effort. 

He also  remembers you being sort of annoying. You’re one of those loud and earnest types that he can’t stand. 

A year ago, Rin would’ve denied knowing you at all. But now that things with Sae have cleared up just a little - he’s not inclined to take his anger out on you. He knows you. Not well, but enough.

And if his reputation precedes him at all, then you know Rin too. You know that he’s never once gone out with a single girl in his 3 years of highschool and that most of the guys in all three grades consider him an arrogant jerk. You know that he mostly plays soccer alone during breaks and that he only really hangs out with one person. 

Which means you must know that he doesn’t harbor any feelings for you. And that he’s going to reject your confession without thinking twice about it. 

In the first place, he was just curious if you were stupid enough to do it. If you really called him up here for a roof-top confession. The fact that you were is what’s stifling him. Your words are familiar. He’s heard them so many times. But it’s baffling. It’s ridiculous. 

You lift your head to face him. You’re still smiling, though there’s something more there that he can’t understand. He doesn’t do well with people like you begin with. He finds himself backing away when you jog up closer towards him. 

He’s taller than you, he notices. You pick your head up to look at him and smile, toothy and at ease. You hold the letter up again and shove it towards him, though you don’t seem like you’re expecting him to take it. He stares at you. 

“I like you,” You repeat, smooth and bubbly. He frowns. 

“I don’t like you.” 

He has expectations for this part. Normally he receives a saddened look like a dog whose tail he stepped on or a fit of crying (sometimes genuine, sometimes with the intent of guilt.) Sometimes he gets an awkward smile trying to seem unbothered by the whole situation. 

You don’t falter though. You don’t even flinch at the words, cold as ice and steely. It throws him off. 

“I know,” You say back,  prying the letter away from him. You turn the other way, walking towards the metal grates and for a minute Rin wonders if you’re going to do something drastic. You don’t though, instead sticking your the paper in the air “That’s why I have a proposal,” 

He stares, absolutely dumbfounded. You turn again towards him. 

“I want to get to know you. And keep confessing to you,” You say first, and Rin immediately goes to reject you until you put your hands up “And I want you to keep rejecting me.” 

He’s baffled. Really. 

“What?” 

“So I can gradually lose my feelings for you. Nothing that different on your end, honestly..” 

It sounds annoying. It really does. If it were anyone else, under any other circumstance he would scoff and tell them to deal with their own shitty feelings alone just like everyone else. But there’s no hidden intention there. Rin’s always been good at sniffing that out. Your words are pure as can be.

Frustratingly simple and twice as sincere, no matter how confusing the whole thing is. 

“Why should I?” 

“We can be friends,” You reply like it’s the best deal he could ask for. “Isn’t that enough? Not like you really have any right now.” 

He scoffs bitterly albeit he can’t counter you. 

“Friendship is lukewarm. I don’t care about any of that stuff,” 

“Lukewarm? Really? Then..think of it like I’ll be your shield. You hate when people socialize with you right? I’ll help you deal with it.” 

That doesn’t sound too bad actually. On top of that, he’s kind of curious what your deal is. He rolls his eyes at you, turning to face the other way. 

“Do whatever you want. It’s not like it matters.” 

His response makes you beam. He hears you shout from the otherside of the yard, followed by the sound of your footsteps noisily thudding against the concrete as you try to catch up with him. He walks faster than you just to spite you for earlier, but he hears your last words through a huff of breath. 

“Jeez, you’re fast. I’ll see you at lunch, be prepared!” 

Somehow, he feels like he’s crossed paths with something he shouldn’t’ve. 

__

You keep up with your end of the deal with Rin to the best of your ability. 

The upsides of your arrangement is that the usual annoyances Rin has to deal with have decreased significantly in the time you’ve been hanging around him. You’re very good at using your speech to sway conversations one way or the other without upsetting the other party.

Normally, Rin’s rejections for different things leave a bitter taste in the air. He’s never been good at mincing his words for anyone and while it doesn’t affect him - the strange stares and whispers he gets are a little annoying to deal with. People always take his disinterest personally. Rin has always hated that. He was probably a little gentler about the denial before but still. 

While other people are too stupid to pay it any mind, you’re clever at turning the tides your way. You always manage to completely divert their questions without making them feel uncomfortable. Rin has tried, many times, to actually break down how you’re doing it. He doesn’t think he’d ever be able to replicate it, no matter how much he studies you. 

He’s reluctant to admit it, but really, your presence has significantly lowered the number of obstacles in his daily life and made him overall, less irritable. 

Instead of many annoying things, there’s only you. Which is tolerable in comparison. 

You also expect him to uphold his end of the deal. For the most part, this has just meant you inserting yourself into his usual activities. It started out small enough, mostly just you sitting with him during lunch. It draws too much attention to eat in the classroom so you both fuck off to the roof. 

(You often joke about how romantic it is, reminiscing on your rejected first love with as much melodrama as you can muster. 

Rin never laughs about it to your face, but he admits it’s funny. Your stupidity is mildly amusing, at least ) 

There, you eat lunch together. Rin learns you make yourself colorful bentos from time to time- though some days are much less elaborate than others. You like to unwind that way, your designated and nightly me-time. You work part-time, and you take care of your neighbors kids by helping them every morning and night. 

Rin doesn’t ask you for more, not willing to deliberately show interest. 

But you notice his curiosity for better or for worse and explain that she, the woman next door, used to make you dinner back when your parents were too busy. You have an older brother who's nearly twelve years your senior so you were alone for most of your childhood. She had children late, but they feel like your little siblings. So you help them in the mornings and in the evenings when you have time. 

Rin learns you, funnily enough, have a sense of obligation towards other people that he can’t fully comprehend. He forgot there were people like that. In an environment like Bluelock that is so dead set on fostering ego, it’s easy to forget something so simple. 

You haven’t confessed to him again since that time. Not like he’s expecting it, but given your personality he wonders why. He thought it’d be more of a daily occurence, something like a bit you did. But you never do. Even when at times, it’s so heavy in the atmosphere even he can tell you want too. 

Admittedly, Rin wonders a lot more about you than he cares to. He wonders why you spend so much time with him when you have plenty of other friends who seem to cherish you. He wonders why you care so much about the dying club you're in. He wonders if this, in some strange way, stems from some kind of obligation.

He wonders, sometimes, what about him you could even like. It’s probably something stupid. You’d probably think long and hard before going on to say that you like him because he’s handsome or cool. Something shallow and meaningless. 

He tells himself that when he starts thinking about it again. 

__

Rin gets roped into cleaning the classroom with you. 

He’s used to being paired with other people. But he’s never had to do with you before, even in the years prior. Or maybe he did. He doesn’t recall much of his first year. 

Still, now that it’s already mid-May, Rin has never been on cleaning duty with you. He’s conscious of the sound of your name these days. It’s not something he’s happy about. 

It’s a simple affair. Just 15 or 20 minutes. Nothing to talk about. Not really. 

But, today you’re alone with him. Alone in an empty classroom with light pouring through the windows and reflecting off of the wooden desks. You’re busying yourself with wiping down the chalkboard, humming quietly. Rin has the broom and dust pan, slowly working himself towards the front of the room. 

It’s mostly quiet. Just your humming. The soft thud of a dust pan, a gentle brush of the bristle. 

Rin feels a crick in his neck, half-way done with the task at hand. He stares at you, off in the front. In your own little world as you fix everything up diligently without turning your head to look up at him even once. 

The nape of your neck is visible from the way you’re standing. There’s a chain there. Do you wear a necklace under your uniform? He can see the slope of your shoulders. The light reflects on you. 

It stops him dead in his tracks. All he can hear is the quiet. The soft humming of your voice. The thud of the dust pan, the woosh of an eraser. The gentle bristle of a broom. The sound of his own heartbeat, a little louder than it was a minute ago. 

He shakes his head. He goes back to sweeping. 

__

“Why do you look like that?” 

You look depressed. For Rin, this expression on you is unusual. You do look sad sometimes.  Somber, occasionally but the look you have on your face right now is down right harrowing. You’re staring blankly out into the open, sitting in the usual spot the two of you have lunch at. But you’ve hardly touched your food and your favorite juicebox (a lunchtime staple) doesn’t have a straw in it yet. 

It’s freaking him out, quite frankly. He stares at you, waving a hand in front of your face until you click back into reality. You jump in your skin at the sight of him before taking a deep breath once you’ve realized who’s in front of you. 

“Oh. It’s just you. Sorry,” You say, immediately going for your juice. See? “What did you say?” 

He sighs, sitting down next to you with his own lunch. Nothing special, something his mom likes to pack when he’s at home - though he doesn’t often take it. He opens up his own tin, taking chopsticks out attached from the top. 

“I asked why you looked like that.” 

“Like what?” 

“Like someone just died.” 

You look at him morbidly, clasping your hands and leaning forward with your elbows on your knees. 

“My midterm grades,” You say solemnly, voice wavering ever so slightly “They’re detestable. A shame to my bloodline.” 

Rin looks at you plainly. 

“Aren’t you an idiot to begin with?” 

“Hey! I’ll have you know I’m average. Super average. But I scored even lower than usual and I’m concerned. I need to do well on the next one and on my entrance exams.” 

Oh, right. Rin forgot since he has no plans to take any. 

“Do you know what you want to do for college?” He asks, mostly out of obligation. 

“I want to study journalism.” There’s a wispiness to your way of speaking. It gives the air a sentimental feel. “There’s a private university with a good program I want to get into but they’re kind of tough. So I have to focus and do well,” 

“What subject are you struggling with?” 

You deflate all over again. 

“Chemistry and Classical Japanese,” 

Rin does well in both subjects. He thinks it over, and decides he can consider this payback. That’s all it is. He’s never liked owing people for favors and while you say this much is enough - Rin can rest assured about your little deal if he’s actually been of use to you in return. He remains impassive as he takes a sip of water. 

“Do you want me to help you study?” 

You turn to him immediately, suddenly full of life. He doesn’t like the gleam in your eyes, an immediate regret settling in as he stares at you, eyes full of disdain. You don’t hesitate grabbing his hand, putting it to your forehead and bowing deeply as you face him. You’re like a fly that keeps buzzing around him. 

“Are you serious? Really? Forreal? Do you mean it?” 

“If you keep being  a dipshit I’m going to take it back,” 

You pull away, hands folded in your lap, going stone faced.

“I would be very grateful,” You say, hands clasped in front of your face. He rolls his eyes. 

“Don’t get the wrong idea,” He says bluntly, staring out into space “I just don’t want to owe you any favors.” 

This you laugh at, leaning back on the wall behind you - with your legs stretched out. 

“Don’t worry,” You reply, self-assured. “Somehow, you asking me to study with you so innocently really cements it in that you don’t have a shred of affection for me.” 

Something in him stirs. He ignores it. 

“Never in a million years.” 

You laugh light-heartedly. 

“You’re so cold to me, Itoshi-kun.” 

“You still call me that.” He grimaces. You stare at him confused. 

“How else would I call you?” 

“When you use my last name it reminds me of my brother,” 

“...Are you implying I should use your first name?” 

Oh. Shit. That is what he sort of said, isn’t it? 

“No,” He denies, somehow unable to come up with anything worthwhile “Don’t address me at all.” 

“Eh? But that’s impossible? I can try but,” 

Only an idiot like you would think to actually try. He shakes his head. It’s no good after all. 

“Shut up,” He decides, because there’s not anything else he can think to say “We can study at the library.” 

You’re quick to reject the proposal. 

“We have to pick somewhere else. Like a cafe or something,” You say, not looking at him. You have your phone pulled up now, looking for places nearby. He’s lost again. 

“What? Why? Isn’t it easier if it’s at school?” 

You glance over at him wide-eyed, before suddenly smiling. It’s a knowing smile, almost like you feel sorry for him. He wants to ask why you look like that. It’s weirdly guarded and he hates that from you. He stares at you, trying to will you to explain yourself. You’re good at reading his thoughts, frustratingly enough, so he’s not accustomed to asking. 

Which means your lack of answer is deliberate, and even with the pressure he’s putting on you, you don’t budge.

“Trust me on this one,” You voice light and airy. “It’s better if we find somewhere away from school, too. There’s still some time to look, so no rush.” 

He lets it go because he doesn’t have any other choice. Lunch passes and you talk like everything's normal.

The question lingers in the back of his mind. 

__ 

Rin spends most of his time between classes watching soccer. If he has some free time on his day off, he’ll look for a new movie to watch. There’s a new foreign film coming out from a director who he really likes and he’s just finished watching the trailer.

Thirsty, with nothing to do - he stands to his feet and briefly surveys the classroom. He wants a drink and there’s a vending machine down the hallway with a sports drink that tastes like..something. 

His airpods are close to being dead so there’s no music as he makes his way. He’s not a fan of being forced to listen to the chatter of the general populace so it’s not that hard to ignore.  

It catches his attention when he hears your name in passing before turning the corner of the hall. It stops him dead in his tracks, something tense left in the syllables after . He doesn’t know why he stopped, not exactly. He figured it’d be annoying if his presence caused a ruckus. 

He’s used to people talking about you, though they usually describe you as a busybody. The Senpai who’s everywhere. A hand in every jar, or something like that. But there’s a tone to that, mild amusement - never malice, that Rin is more than accustomed to. 

This is not that, he notices. He leans on the wall and listens. A group of girls. Some of the voices he recognizes. They’re from the third year classroom down the hall. 

“It’s like, I don’t know,”  Eto-san, he thinks. She’s come up to him before, more times than he can really count on one hand. Rin knows the type. Kind but not really. To the point it’s hard for anyone to call her out on it. “It’s weird how much she hangs around him. She’s not a bad girl or anything,” 

The addition makes Rin’s eye twitch. Yeah. He’s very familiar with this type. He keeps listening. Another voice, but he has no idea who this one is. 

“Really? But Senpai is pretty kind to me,” 

“Mm, I guess so. I just wonder if it makes Itoshi-kun uncomfortable, you know? With pushy people like that, it doesn’t matter how blunt you are. I just worry about him a bit.” 

If it wasn’t so annoying to listen in, Rin would laugh. He’s never understood girls. Especially not highschool ones. He doesn’t pay attention to that kind of social hierarchical shit to begin with, only forced to acknowledge it because other people do. None of it matters to him.

He does think back to what you said a week ago, about finding a place away from school to study. It clicks. You probably know they talk about you like this. Or you could surmise this outcome. Rin should expect that level of awareness from you. Sincere. Always attuned to everyone. Of course this is something you know but he doesn’t. 

Why didn’t you tell him? That’s annoying. It’s nothing he couldn’t deal with knowing. He would’ve got it if you explained it earlier. 

“Oh wow, you really care about him Eto-san,” 

There’s a soft chuckle that makes Rin annoyed. Is he supposed to feel grateful? They’ve barely spoken to each other.

“It’s not like that. It must be hard since he missed second year, that’s all.” 

With that, Rin decides to turn the corner. 

He’s a little pleased at the reaction. How everyone goes into complete silence when he arrives. He spares her a glance as he moves towards the vending machines, clicking in the buttons. A generic sports drink comes tumbling out of the bottom, and Rin grabs it with deliberate slowness - drawing out the unease. 

Eto-san gives him a blank stare before suddenly looking cheerful. She seems a little panicked, quickly trying to make conversation with him. The words don’t reach his ears as he stares down at her expressionlessly.

“Are you done?”  He says, ice-cold. She stutters at that. Rin suppresses a smile. 

“Oh, uhm, yeah. Sorry, were you busy?” 

“Yeah,” He says back, completely apathetic. 

He doesn’t plan on saying anymore in the first place. The little victories count. 

It does feel like some kind of magic when he hears your voice from the other end of the hallway. You’re practically shouting it, and following is the sound of the hall monitors telling you off for running as you barrel toward him full speed. He can hear the thud of your sneakers all the way till they skid to a stop. 

You’re out of breath, bent over your knees and messy as you put a hand up. Most times, he would be embarrassed. He’d even tell you off for being such an idiot. Right now, he finds the corners of his lips upturned as he stares at you from where you stand. 

“Oh, hey guys. Sorry, I had some business with this guy. Oh, Fujita-chan, your hair is cute today! I like how it looks up on you,”  You say, to the girl who was calling you kind just a minute ago “I hope he wasn’t too cruel to you. He’s actually afraid of women, it’s a generational curse. Every night he turns into a frog and—” 

You shuffle in front him, arms stretched out like a shield. He sticks his leg out and kicks your shin. You yelp in pain. 

“What the hell are you talking about? Shut up.” 

“Ow, you strong bastard. You’re a soccer player, please be more conscious of your kicks. What if you shattered my shin? I know you’re loaded but it’s the principle of the thing, you know—” 

“Stop talking or I’ll kick you a second time.” 

You go silent immediately. 

“Forgive me, Itoshi-sama. I’ve strayed from the path of righteousness. Alas, the people need you.” You say, turning around. 

“Speak clearly.” 

“Homeroom teacher wanted to double check with you about after graduation plans and told me to go get you.” 

“Why you?”

“I was already walking around for the newspaper club.” 

He nods, not needing any more explanation. 

“H-hey, aren’t you acting too friendly with him?” 

So she decided to speak. This makes you falter, just a little, and Rin detests the look of self-satisfaction on her face. He speaks this time. It’s not like he can’t fight any of his own battles. 

“It’s fine,” He says, not bothering to think about it. He looks at you, as you stare back at him where he stands, wide-eyed. Idiot. “I don’t mind.”

You grin at him. Big and rounded and stupid, with all of your teeth like you’re giddy. If the hallway monitor wasn’t up your ass, he figures you’d be skipping about now. You usher him into the hall, back where he came from, waving them off.

“Be seeing you guys, then! Bye!” 

And you’re off. It’s quiet until you’re both completely out of ear-shot. Before he can go any further you stand in front of him, hands behind your back with a dumb look on your face. He already knows what you’re going to say. 

“Hey. I really like you a lot. Just now… my heart was fluttering. I thought I was hallucinating,” 

“You’re a moron,” 

“Ahhh, what should I do? I’m all hot under the collar. Is this what it’s like being a maiden in love? It’s great.” 

“How can you say that knowing I’ve already rejected you?” 

“It’s because you’ve rejected me, I can say that.” 

And Rin doesn't really get it. He’s not sure he ever will. 

But you seem happy enough. He decides against prying. 

__

Somehow, you’ve ended up at Rin’s house. 

He doesn’t know how it happened. Really. 

He mentioned to his mother off-handedly that he needed to help someone study. He should’ve lied about it then, but coming off of running drills makes him pretty stupid. He uses most of his brain power when he trains. So in an altered state of mind due to dehydration, hunger and general exhaustion - he answered  honestly instead of lying. 

You’re helping someone study? Yes, they’re from my class. 

Is it a boy or a girl? A girl. We’re friends. 

You can’t study at the library? She doesn’t want to, so we’re trying to find somewhere else. 

Why not invite her here, if her parents are okay with it? Her parent’s don’t really pay enough attention to be bothered. 

Wait, what is he saying? 

Rin doesn’t know how it happened. Really. Really. He tried pretty hard to reject his mothers advances about the situation but he’s never been one to upset her. The whole thing with Sae really tore her up so they both had a silent agreement to try and get along at home. And since Rin is still living at home for now, he tries harder to listen to her. Even so, he wasn’t planning on yielding for this one. 

Rin is not immune to his mothers guilt. A long lecture about how her only sons never cared about anything but soccer and how she’s worried she’s never going to have grandchildren later, he finally gave in and gave you a call at his dinner table. 

He was hoping you would come through and reject the offer. Say something stupid about how that’s dangerous territory for a young girl in love and let his mom down gently. He forgot about your whole thing about responsibility and being a nice girl who gets along well with adults. 

And now, the door is ringing and Rin knows he’s going to open it to you. He mostly blames himself for not thinking ahead.

Rin opens the door on a Saturday afternoon and the first thing he thinks is that you’re not wearing your uniform. 

You look…different. It’s weird. Your hair is styled in an unusual way, tied with something like ribbon. You’re wearing something flowy and loose but the neck is a little rounder than usual. There’s a necklace there, a heart-pendant with a chain. You have in...earrings. 

Rin thinks vaguely that you look…something. He doesn’t know. But in his vision you’re like a troublesome and amorphous blob that yammers on about nothing. And right now you look…not like that. 

“You’re dressed up.” Are the first words to come out of his mouth. You blink at him owlishly.

“Oh. Yeah. I wanted to make a good impression on your mom so I tried not to look sloppy.” You say sheepishly. He leans against the doorframe. 

“She doesn’t care about stuff like that.” 

“Well I do, okay? Now, can I come in?” 

“The white slippers are for you.”

He steps aside and lets you in. You have perfect manners. He probably should’ve expected that. You take your shoes off neatly and place them on the rack the same way, slipping your feet into the slippers provided. Rin just watches, eyes tracing the curve of your neck. 

“Where’s your mom?” You ask.

“In the kitchen making dinner. You’re staying for dinner right?” 

You blink at him, surprised. 

“I mean it’s not like I can’t.” 

“She’d be upset if you didn’t.” He says noncommittally before walking you down to the kitchen. 

His mother is right where he expects. He stands in the corner as you shuffle in watching on. She turns around to look at you, wiping her hands on her apron. 

“Oh, my, you must be Rin’s friend? Such a lovely girl. Welcome! Welcome.” 

To this, you bow your head as deep as it can go. The air around you feels serious. Rin scoffs internally. There’s a strange feeling in his chest that he can’t describe, seeing you bowing in front of his mom. An itch he can’t reach, locked tight around his ribs. 

You give his mother your name first and she smiles like she’s absolutely delighted just hearing it. 

“Thank you for having me. I brought some fruit with me as a gift, I hope that’s alright.” 

His mom shoots him a look that Rin deflects by turning away, opening the plastic bag you’ve handed to her. 

“Oh my! Aren’t these expensive fruits? Please thank your parents for me!” 

“Oh no, don’t worry about that. I work part-time, so I paid for them myself. It was the least I could do. I’m grateful for the tutoring.” 

You tense up, realizing that might’ve been an awkward thing to say. It isn’t. Even if it was, Rin’s mother has always been soft-hearted. His dad tells him they’re a lot alike but Rin doesn’t see it. Whatever it may be, Rin’s mom is too doting and too sociable to let you feel bad. Right now she seems emotional, an expression between empathy and pride. She reaches for you like it’s the most natural thing in the world, patting your head gently.

“How diligent. Thank you, then, for the fruit.” 

Rin can’t see your face but it’s easy to picture. 

“Of course. And pardon the intrusion! And uhm, thank you for having me for dinner.” 

Clumsy. Rin thinks you’re clumsy. A flickering light. His mom laughs brightly and tells you not to worry. She leans in closer like she’s whispering but Rin can hear her loud and clear. 

“Rin can be very brash but he’s a good boy, so thank you for being kind to him.” 

He feels embarrassed. Even readies himself to intervene. 

“He is very kind to me.” 

Wait. What?

His mom smiles even brighter, and mouths something like ‘take care of her’ when you’re not looking. He wants to stop it before it starts. You’re not dating. You’re hardly even friends, you’re just here to study. Rin almost wants to shout it, but he’s stuck. Before he can do any of that, you’re turning around and smiling like you haven’t said anything strange. 

What do you mean he’s kind to you? When his whole thing is rejecting you mercilessly? Being cruel?

What kind of person would ever describe him as kind? 

He can’t find the words he wants to say, so he takes you to his room in silence. 

__

You both make it to Rin’s room in one piece.

You’ve been studying now for about an hour. Given your personality, Rin was expecting more of a fuss. He thought you’d make some comment about being in a boys room and then fight off the actual studying like the plague. 

Much to his surprise, you started studying with him right away. Rin tries his best to tutor you, though he does make fun of you in the process. But you’re a try-hard all the same, stopping only to ask questions and get clarification occasionally.

You’ve been focused that whole time, miraculously enough. Rin studies too, but only a bit, after deciding to study some recent matches instead. 

( Every now and again, he’ll glance at you. Just to see if you’re stuck or still working. Each time, he gets caught up on the fact you’re not in your uniform and has to tear his eyes away. ) 

After a bout of silence, you yawn out loud, quietly shutting your workbook. 

“I’ve finished all my practice problems for today,” You announce, before deciding to lay down on his floor “I’m beat.” 

“I thought you were gonna give up before you started.”  Rin admits. You frown at him. 

“I was serious about needing tutoring. Thanks for all your help.” 

“I already told you it’s fine. Is there anything else? Finals are next week.” 

You shake your head. 

“Mm, I don’t think so. One of the guys from the newspaper club helped me with math so I’ll be okay.” 

…Huh? 

“From the newspaper club?” 

“Huh? Yeah. Murata-senpai. We’re in the same year. He’s a few months older so he insists on making me call him Senpai.” 

“And he helped you with math?” 

“Yeah. He was a delinquent like, all of first year but he really cleaned up his act. He’s actually really gentle.”

Rin frowns at that. 

“Do people usually describe delinquents as gentle?”  

You make a noise of indignance from where you’re laid on his floor. 

“Hey. Murata-senpai is really nice, okay? And he is gentle, so I won’t tolerate your usual judginess.” 

Rin rolls his eyes. 

“How’d you even meet him?” 

“Uh…I wanted to write a column about him, basically. He was helping in the garden last year and I kinda…stalked him. It sounds worse than it is. I just wanted to know what made him change.” 

“So stalking people is pretty typical for you.” 

You sit up and gape at him. Rin suppresses a laugh. 

“Anyways. I eventually flagged him down for an interview. Apparently, he had a real scare with his granny getting sick and decided he needed to cut the shit. He’s a good guy. He joined the newspaper club after the interview,” 

“After the interview…?” 

You nod, leaning forward with your elbows on the table in front of you. 

“Uh-huh. Said he was interested because of my passion or something. He’s been really nice to me ever since and helps me with all of the ideas I have.” You soften as you talk about it. Rin feels an ugly emotion in his chest “I’m worried about what will happen to the club after graduation, but Senpai is always encouraging me to make the most out of the time we still have. So I’m really thankful for him. That’s why you have to be nice.” 

Rin is super annoyed. He doesn’t know why he’s so annoyed but he is. How do you not realize this guy likes you? He doesn’t know why he’s opening his mouth to tell you what’s so obvious. It’s not like it really matters. Rin doesn’t like you in the first place, so if he informs you that your beloved Murata-senpai has feelings for you - it’s no big deal. 

In fact it might be better for everyone if you realize. He’s just frustrated by how clueless you can be sometimes. 

“He’s interested in you,” Rin says, against his better judgment. It feels like the words are welling up in his throat “Your senpai or whatever.” 

You blink at him stupidly. He wonders if you’re wearing mascara. 

“Huh? I doubt that somehow. Senpai is kind to me but I think he sees me like a little sister.” 

He scoffs at you. 

“You would think that. Most guys aren’t just nice to girls they don’t like.” 

“Not everyone is like you, yanno.” You say back without thinking twice. That’s not the point this time, he wants to say. And he’s right for this one. Anyone else with half of a brain would realize. You’re just… you. Which means you’re absolutely unaware of things pertaining to you. It’s the only reason he can think you’d deny something so obvious. 

The only reason you could come to the house of a boy you liked just to study. 

“Shut up. I’m saying this because you’re too much of a dumbass to put it together on your own. The guy definitely likes you.” 

“I didn’t know you were a love guru,” You say sarcastically, sticking your tongue out at him. Childish. Annoying “It doesn’t matter if he does.” 

“Why wouldn’t it matter?” 

You give him an incredulous look. 

“Unfortunately my heart is captured by an aloof sportsman.” 

He doesn’t know why he feels relieved when you say that. He feels his heart all the way in his throat like he’s going to throw it up, even though his expression remains impassive. 

“You already know I don’t like you, though. It’s a good opportunity, isn’t it? Don’t a lot of people move on that way.”

You shake your head. 

“I’m not that sort of wishy-washy woman.” You reply, huffing your chest up and trying to ease the tension. You stop to shake your head, a small smile on your face. “You wouldn’t get it even if I explained.” 

“It’s annoying when you do that,” Rin voices, not bothering to cut it any other way “You did that with the girls at school too. I’m never gonna get it if you don’t bother explaining it to me.” 

You soften at this, then whisper. 

“...Why do you care?” But it’s not said with any malice. It’s not said sadly either. Just curious. He freezes, but doesn’t let it show. He wants to ask himself the same question. 

“I don’t. It’s just,” And he scoffs, not looking at your face “It’s a pain.” 

You hum, not expecting more of an answer. 

“I want to treasure my own feelings towards you,” You say, and something in Rin feels like it’s being set on fire. “It’s not just about having a boyfriend. If it was, then I’d consider Senpai's feelings.” 

“...So it’s about me, specifically?” 

“Yeah,” You say without offering any more explanation than that “It is. I like you.”

The words but why, linger in the air. You seem to be feeling merciful, as you lean back on your palms and stare up at his ceiling. You wear your heart outside of your body, more often than not. And he thinks that part of you is so hard to get used to. 

“You’re really awkward. And aloof. And you don’t have any friends.” 

“Is this some kind of revenge or…?” 

“But. You’re also sensitive. The more I know you, the more I think you’re kind and well-meaning. You uh, remind me of a cat.” 

He blinks. 

“A cat?” 

“A cat. Sometimes they want their own space. And sometimes they knock your water off your desk for fun. Plus they only really care about people in their own circle,”

“Again, is this—” 

“Let me finish, jeez. They’re solitary creatures. But like when they accept you, they get comfortable. An’ nice . And they look out for you in their own way. To me you’re a lot like that.” 

You give him a smile so warm it makes his back hot. So loud and so vibrant like it burst out of him at any minute. 

“I’ve uh, always been interested in you. I watched you play in Bluelock too. I kept thinking to myself, there’s something about you. I want to know more, even if it’s just a little. Stuff like that.” You talk so quietly yet it’s all Rin can hear. All Rin can see in his vision is you. All Rin can think about is you. “I’ve always been interested in other peoples stories.  So I thought, what a waste it would be, to throw away that feeling because of something like love or like. I thought, ‘What's your story, Itoshi Rin?’” 

Rin doesn’t know what to say so he chooses to say nothing. 

“When I confessed, I knew you would never like me. Because that’s just the sort of person everyone says you are. Still, what a waste, right? You miss all the shots you don’t take or whatever. So, I wanted to get to know you. I guess.”  

“I don’t get it. I get what you’re like but it still doesn’t make any sense. There’s nothing special to know, is there?” 

“Feeling that is special, don’t you think? That’s a special reason to me.” 

He doesn’t follow. You laugh lightly. 

“If I never became interested in Murata-senpai’s story, I would’ve never been his friend. If I gave up on trying to know you, just because you didn’t return to my one-sided feelings, then I would’ve never gotten to know you either. Don’t you think that’s a waste?” 

Rin doesn’t know. He’s never really cared about it. He’s rejected so many confessions and never once thought enough about any of them in any depth. That part of you is foreign. He can chalk it up to a difference in character. He can’t understand wanting to know someone just because. 

(Or maybe he can. He just hasn’t until now. Until this very moment, suspended in time. Where he wants to know what things make you the way you are.) 

Some small, dark part of him wants to ask why. Over and over until his throat feels raw - long enough to understand it. Even as he grips onto that desire so tight, with such bruising force, the words sit in his mouth. They taste like iron. They taste like a bitten tongue. If you’ve watched him all this time, then you know. Being chosen. He’s never been confident in that. Rin wants to ask, why him? 

What’s so special? Enough to keep talking to him? Enough to do any of this? Is getting to know people is always this difficult, he wonders. Does it always feel uncomfortable to be in proximity with someone? 

In the end, he can’t bring himself to ask. He can’t even bear to examine it in himself, the sense of dread washing over him like sickness. He’s nauseous. And this time, there’s a residue of tension he’s finding increasingly difficult to ignore. 

You come through again. He wonders if you can read his mind just like you do with all the nobodies at school. 

“Rin-kun,” You say, your voice like the summer heat. “Getting to know you makes me feel like my feelings aren’t a waste. I’m happy getting to know you. I want to treasure that.” 

What happens when you run out of things to know? The question is too heavy. He settles on a different one. He wants to understand it more. Just to put himself at ease. 

“Isn’t being in the same room with someone who rejected you uncomfortable?” 

“Maybe. But there’s a clear line for me and you, so it’s cool. In like, ten years, maybe someone will interview me about you. As your classmate and stuff. And I’ll go - ‘He’s actually a really nice guy. I actually had a crush on him.’ If I can say that, without being regretful, then that’ll be enough for me.” 

“That’ll be enough for you? Really?” 

“Really.” 

“You’re so weird.” He says, unsure of what else he could possibly say. You giggle, and lay back down on his floor. 

“I knew you’d say that.” 

__ 

Summer comes. 

It doesn’t occur to Rin how often he sees you in school until it all comes to  a halt. He has your number, and you text him often - about unimportant and trivial shit that you think of. In that way, it doesn’t even really feel like you’ve separated. 

But the sudden absence of your chattering in his life makes everything feel especially quiet. Summer is a boring time for Rin. It’s mostly the same. Practicing and playing and studying. On the few occasions he’s been out, it’s because some of the other Bluelock members are gathering and refuse to let him know even a breath of peace.

He’s seen Sae now, though they never really talk about anything. Sort of just look at each other and exchange enough words that their mom doesn’t cry before going back to their room. Sae will be gone before school starts back up again, so Rin isn’t all that worried about it. 

It occurs to Rin for the first time that this summer will be the last of his highschool days. He’s never been sentimental about stuff like that - so he figures you’re to blame for these sudden thoughts. 

Your summer has been a lot busier than his. He should probably expect this from you by now, but your surprisingly youthful social life always shocks him. You’ve been working part-time as usual. In that time though, you’ve also been to the beach and been on an overnight trip to Osaka with your newspaper club. 

(Rin wasn’t happy to hear about this. He was relieved to know it was with a teacher and that you roomed with a girl. But still, not exactly his favorite of anecdotes for the summer.) 

You’ve invited Rin more than once to come hang out with you, but he’s basically always declined. The group setting is troublesome, but being alone with you feels even worse somehow. It wouldn’t be a date, obviously, but it would be something. Something deliberate. 

Rin doesn’t know if he can come see you in good faith for such a reason. 

It’s another day spent doing his usual. Being technical, it’s a rest day, which means he’s only allowed to stretch. He has done his basics. Studied, messed around with his ball, responded to a barrage of texts from Bachira and Isagi. He played games for a while, checking out a new horror game before deciding it’d be best not to get too sucked in so he has something to play next time. 

After all that, during a mid-August day while Rin sits on his couch and watches T.V., he receives a facetime call from you for the very first time. At first, he just lets it ring. But when it keeps ringing - he figures your persistence is going to continue unless he replies. 

He looks around. No one's home, so he doesn’t need to go to his room. He swipes, and the call connects. The screen shows him, propped up against something with a full shot of your room. You’re turned away from the camera. Rin just stares. 

“Oh, shit - did you actually pick up?” 

“Should I hang up.” 

“No! No, I just wasn’t expecting you. Don’t hang up. I need a guy's opinion.” 

“What? What for?” 

“I got in a fight with my brother about a dress I bought,” You say, exasperated, and Rin is surprised because you hardly see him. “I know he’s probably looking out for me but I don’t think we talk enough for him to be telling me how to dress.” 

“He’s older than you, right? Maybe you should listen to him.” 

“You’re the last person I want to hear that from. Either way, I’m not a kid. I’m already 18 and I’m going to college. It’s a cute dress! I feel like it’s fine.”

“So..why’d you call me again?” 

“I’m gonna try it on and show you. Murata-senpai is busy.” 

“You shouldn’t do that to a guy who likes you.” Rin deadpans. You laugh.

“Shut up. I really need an opinion. I wanted to wear it to go out today so if it’s actually too provocative then I have to change my outfit.” 

“Where are you even going?” 

“My friend needs to get a concealer, so probably the mall or something. After that I’ll go buy some stationary.” 

“Alone? What about your friend?” 

“She’s gonna go see her boyfriend.” 

“Why can’t you just go with them? Or ask them to go with you” 

“And third wheel? I’m good. I just need some stationary and then I’ll be home. Easy peasy. Anyway, what’s with the interrogation?” 

“It’s not interrogation.” He insists. You’re offscreen so Rin can’t see you, but he can hear the sound of a zipper echo in the speakers. He’s also sure you’re rolling your eyes. 

When you come on camera, the dress of the hour is on display. Rin’s first thought is to tell you to take it off. It is too provocative to him. The front is fine as is, but it’s nearly backless and it’s cut too high on your thighs. He’s never seen so much of your skin. Maybe that’s a given, since he didn’t go to the beach with you either. 

You give him a quick spin, before patting the front down. You say something, but the words don’t register. It feels like his brain is full of cotton or something. 

“So? Too much? I mean it’s backless but like. I don’t know, it’s kind of loose? And the sleeves are long. Neckline isn’t that bad, either.” 

Rin just says what he thinks “You shouldn’t go out alone wearing it.” 

You frown at him. 

“That’s not helpful, Rin-kun.” 

“It’s…fine. What time does your friend have to go?” 

“Probably right after we’re done.” 

He sighs. 

“Tell her to go with her boyfriend early. I’ll come with you to get your stationary.” 

“Wait, what? Did I hear that right? You’re coming to get me? After I’ve been hounding you to hang out? What’s with the change of heart?” 

“I don’t have anything to do since it’s a rest day. You need stuff and I don’t think you should be out alone. Don’t read into it.” 

“Kinda hard not too but I’m not gonna complain. Are you coming right now?” 

“Yeah. Send me your address.” 

__ 

Rin has no idea what impulse has brought him here. 

That’s not entirely true. What brought him to your apartment towards the end of summer is impulse. He acted on nothing but impulse.

Rin, for better or for worse, finds that you’re clueless about yourself. The fact you were going to call Murata-senpai is already bothering him enough. That, along with the fact you wore the dress and didn’t think it was too short is troubling. It’s not that Rin wants to tell you what not to wear. He doesn’t have the right but you did ask. 

Anyway, it’s a lot less agitating if you’re being accompanied while wearing it. Going alone in something like that, even if it’s the middle of summer, would be stupid.  

Rin doesn’t make it a habit of worrying about the outfits of girls he doesn’t know. He does know you though. He thinks you’d be really annoying if something happened and you got upset about it. So, all he’s doing is preventing that outcome. It’s nothing more than that. 

He knocks on your door as he shakes the thoughts out of his head, and he’s greeted by a man in his late twenties. It dawns on Rin that this is your brother. He really didn’t think this through. 

Your brother is an imposing person. He’s a head taller than Rin with a gruff voice and a scar on his cheek. Rin stares at him blankly. 

“Who are you?” 

“Itoshi Rin. I’m here for—” 

“Nii-san, tell Rin-kun to come inside and sit! I’m not done getting ready.” 

Your brother glares at him. 

“Who’s he? Your boyfriend? Is that why—” 

You come stumbling out of your room, half-dressed and Rin immediately averts his eyes. This is the most uncomfortable experience of his life.

“He’s not my boyfriend. He already rejected me, so we’re just friends. Stop fussing and let him in, it’s hot out.” 

“He rejected you?” 

Rin should just leave. 

“I already knew he was going to. Now move,” 

Rin doesn’t enjoy being involved in your sibling quarrel. Suddenly, he feels a twinge of regret about some old Bluelock memories. He understands it now more than ever, gaining a little empathy. 

Your brother moves out of the way. You’re standing in the hall, with a single stocking on and powder on your face he’s pretty sure is meant to be brushed. You grin at him. 

“Sorry! I won’t be long, promise. You got here faster than I thought you would.” 

Rin can feel a pair of eyes in the back of his skull. 

“Uh. Yeah. I took the bus so it was quick.” 

“It might be uncomfortable here. Do you wanna sit in my room instead? It’s colder but it’s kind of a mess—” 

“He can sit here.”  Your brother insists. Rin is never leaving his house again. You frown. 

“Didn’t I already tell you we’re not dating? He’s not even interested in me, it’s not like anything is gonna happen.” 

“It’s the principle of it.”  Yeah. Definitely siblings. 

“Whatever. If you make him uncomfortable, I’m gonna yell at you. Rin-kun, sorry. Do you need anything? Juice? Water?” 

Your hospitality throws him off. You’re different at home. 

“Uh. No. I’m okay.” 

“Okay, then I’ll hurry and get dressed. Nii-san, please be civil.” 

With that, you flounce back up to your room. Your brother is staring hard in Rin’s direction. He’s not intimidated. It’s just… so awkward it’s kind of unbearable for him. What do people usually do in this situation? Rin’s not exactly the sociable type.

“She confessed to you?” 

Rin is startled. 

“Uh. Yeah. In April.” 

“And you’re friends?” 

“She asked to be friends.” 

Your brother looks distressed. 

“I don’t understand that girl at all.” 

Rin doesn't either. 

“What’s she like in school?” 

Rin stares. Oh. He’s that kind of older brother. 

“Uh. Busy. She’s in the newspaper club so she’s always doing something. She has a lot of friends and gets along with our class.” 

“I see…that’s good. I’m always worried about her. Our family has  always been busy and I moved out when I was 18 so… we don’t see much of each other. She doesn’t talk about herself that much either.” 

Rin nods absently. What circle of hell is this? 

“She probably thinks I’m just being overprotective,” Bullseye “But I just worry she grew up too fast.” 

Rin thinks if he were a different kind of guy, now would be the time he gives your older brother an encouraging heart to heart. The script is there. It’s just not how he honestly feels. Rin doesn’t take pleasure in defending you. But it’s hypocritical and a little ridiculous to hear it from him.

Some of it is leftover resentment from Sae. The rest is knowing you.

You did grow up too fast. From what he knows about teenage girls, they’re supposed to be…meaner. More hysterical. More inconsiderate. Less responsible and more in the moment. Messy. All teenagers are, really. 

For all the ways you are clumsy and ridiculous, sometimes Rin thinks you’re too off-puttingly mature. It wouldn’t kill you to be more selfish. To be just a little less self-reliant. It’s not normal is it? To be so grateful for things you’re owed. It bothers him. Always has. 

Rin knows what the script is. But it bothers him. 

“If you know that then you don’t really have any right to intervene,” Rin says bluntly. “Suddenly acting protective and considerate when she grew up on her own  is just going to feel stifling. Aren’t you just trying to make yourself feel better?” 

He looks surprised by his answer. Hurt too. 

“I guess that’s right,” 

He frowns. 

“If you actually care, just be honest. She’s not the type of person to turn someone away on a grudge.” 

Before Rin can feel embarrassed about what he’s said, you come stumbling down the steps all dressed up. Your brother gives you a look. 

“Do you need any money?” 

You look at him confused then shake your head no. 

“Okay. Stay safe and have fun.” 

He turns to leave. You watch him go. Rin puts his hands in his pockets like he’s trying to wipe himself of it. 

“Weird… anyways. Ready to go?” 

“Yeah.” 

__ 

Your outing goes well. 

Outing. Not a date. No matter how many times people mistake you two for being on a date today - it was nothing more than an outing. 

You start with stationary for the upcoming term, then you drag Rin to the mall because you need some more clothes. After that, you go into a bookstore to pick up some manga. Rin has fun there because he gets to pick out some new releases and you bond mutually over your tastes. Rin learns both like thrillers. You spend a lot of time together, reading over his shoulder. 

It’s not a date. But it wasn’t bad. He’s so used to talking to you that the entire situation doesn’t feel uncomfortable at all. You’re funnier than he’s usually willing to give you credit for. Doing all that, plus train rides, makes it so you’re not home until sundown. You, however, refuse to end the night without having some kind of treat. After a lot of begging Rin to cheat on his meal plan, the two of you get ice-cream and you drag Rin to a local playground. Apparently you bring your neighbors' kids here sometimes. 

Now he’s here.  Sitting on swings with ice-cream and it is still not a date. Rin has no opinions on the day but you’re practically bursting at the seams with happiness. The dress you’re wearing is hiking up on your thigh from how you’re sitting. He was right to accompany you, by the way. The amount of creeps he’s had to stare down today alone is outright disgusting. 

Rin takes a spoonful of ice-cream and lets it melt in his mouth. You let your feet hit the mulch beneath you as you lick the ice-cream carefully - trying desperately not to let it spill on your hand. He watches on in amusement. After you finally get a handle on it, you give him a small look. 

“I had fun today,” You say sentimentally. Rin feels his stomach tie in knots “Thank you.”

He frowns. 

“Gross. Stop that.” 

“Aw, c’mon. You’re so edgy. Just admit you had fun! You had a fantastic and whimsical time.” 

He gives you an unimpressed stare. 

“Really? Nothing? You’re not feeling the flames of youthful joy in your loins at all?” 

“Describing it like that is disgusting.” 

“So you admit you know what it is.” 

Rin wants to smile. Fuck, he hates you. 

“...It wasn’t bad.” 

You grin. You’re so annoying.

“Ladies and gents, we got an ‘it wasn’t bad’ from the ever soulless Itoshi Rin!” 

Stupid. So stupid.

“It was more tolerable than hanging out with some of my other dipshit friends.” 

You clasp a hand over your mouth dramatically. 

“Oh…Oh wow… Do you want to try proposing next? The set-up is there. Perfect ambience.” 

His face cracks into a begrudging smile. 

“You’re insufferable.” 

You suddenly go quiet. When Rin looks at you, you’re stunned

“Why’re you being weird?” 

“No, sorry, I was just thinking I really like you,” You say, like it’s the easiest and most natural thing in the world “I’ve never seen you smile before. It’s nice.” 

“...Your ability to say cringy shit like that so easily is astounding to me.” 

“I don’t want to hear this from the guy who unironically uses lukewarm,” You say, biting into your ice-cream cone. Rin blushes. “Besides, nothing wrong with being cringe when you’re in love.” 

“Freak.” 

You give him a thumbs up. 

“One of a kind.” 

There’s a beat of silence. It’s comfortable. Rin eats his too, probably a little slower than he has to. Summer feels heavy in the air. 

“You weren’t always like..an edgelord, right?” 

Rin stares at you, perplexed by how sudden the question is. 

“Where’d you hear that from?” 

“Your mom after dinner. You already went upstairs. Said you had a nasty fight with your brother.” 

He doesn’t say anything, posture stiffening at the mention of Sae. 

“It’s not your business.” 

“Hey. No need for the attitude. I’m curious as your number one fan.” You say, trying to back off as much as possible. Like he’s some kind of feral cat you’re trying to calm. “Don’t be mad, okay? You don’t have to talk about it.” 

You try your best to be soothing and Rin softens 

He is angry. Not at you. Not really.  The mention of Sae just does that to him. And if anyone else even thought to bring it up - he’d probably tell them to go fuck themselves with nothing but bitter hatred. 

With you, there’s not any of that. There’s a lingering sense of hesitance - an internal conflict, but not anger. Rin’s never enjoyed opening his heart to anyone. 

Even so, he feels compelled to tell you, so he does.

“My brothers a dick,” Resentment seeps into his words “He came back from overseas and then basically insulted me for a minute straight. We were always meant to play soccer together but he went through something. He changed. We never talked about it,” 

“What? He insulted you for no reason? That’s so weird. Did you always have a bad relationship?” 

Rin sits with himself quietly. 

“I don’t know if we have one now. We were close as kids. At least.” 

“And he just… came back and started being an asshole to you? Seriously?” 

Rin nods. There’s not much else to the story. Rin’s tried hard not to think about the situation itself. He only uses the feelings that stayed behind to make him better. To give him a reason to play - it’s motivation and nothing more. If he starts to view it too much like what it is, betrayal, he’s afraid everything inside of him will collapse. 

“There’s probably more to it than that,” You conclude thoughtfully. Rin thinks the same “But still. You’re his baby brother. Even if he’s going through something…” 

Rin scoffs “You sound like you’re worried about him.” It comes out more petulantly than he expects 

“Not really. Not as much as I’m worried about you,” You counter, giving him a small smile. Rin feels his heart leap into his throat “I just figure, you know, maybe thinking about it like that would help. You were close right? Your mom said he used to dote on you,” 

Rin nods. He feels his chest swell and tighten. 

“Then…I bet it sucked. I bet it was hard. Or at least, it must’ve been lonely to go through that,” You say, frown deepening “Such a sudden change would be hard for anyone to deal with, I think. It’s okay if you feel like it’s unfair. His reasons aside.” 

You sigh, suddenly, covering your hands with your face. 

“What?” Rin asks. You shake your head. 

“You poor thing. I wanna hug you to death you know. A good squeeze. I’m trying to refrain.” You say, stomping your feet just slightly. He feels a flush crawl up his neck, turning his head to look away. 

“...It’s not like I’m stopping you.” 

He doesn’t have the courage to look at you. Not as he says it, or after to steal a glance of what face you're making. Instead, he hears the metal of the chain and feels the warmth of your body. It’s a tight hug. You’re standing and he’s sitting, your arms around his neck, his face directly against your chest. He widens his eyes. He wants to yell at you for being a defenseless idiot, but the feeling of being hugged so tightly washes the words away. You’re soft…and warm. He’s never been hugged by someone who isn’t his mom or brother before, and he can’t remember the last time either thing happened to him. You pat his head. 

Do you touch people like this often? So casually? Or is he special because you like him, he wants to ask. He wants to ask but doesn’t want to know the answer, pushing the feeling down as deep as he can make it go. He wraps his arms around you loosely, above your waist trying to be respectful.  

But he leans into the warmth. Like it’s something that happens once in a lifetime. 

“Hey, Rin.”  You say, soft. He can feel the warmth of your breath against his hair. 

“Hn.” 

“I hope you kick your brother's ass in soccer.” 

You sound teary. Weirdly, it makes Rin feel better. 

“Yeah.”

__ 

School starts up again during September. 

The autumn season welcomes warm colors, fallen leaves and the sort of cool weather that puts the summer uniforms back up on the hangers. Rin is listening to music when he spots you waiting for him at the gate, waving your hand at him. He has half a mind to ignore you, you’re so embarrassing. 

But before he can pretend not to see, you’re jogging over to him. He has to stand so you don’t end up bumping into him. You walk like you were born backwards, two left feet with such little awareness of your surroundings it stresses Rin out. 

He gives you a blank stare as you smile, securing your bag to your shoulder. 

“Look what the cat dragged in,” You say warmly. Rin pauses to look at you. You look different somehow. Lately you always do, Rin wonders if you’ve picked up some weird shape-shifting in your time apart “Are you excited for the new semester, hm? Hmm?” 

He keeps walking and you fall in step with him. You try but he’s too fast, so he slows just a little. He clicks his teeth, shaking his head, eyes taking in the view of the building in front him.

“Why would I be excited?” 

You shrug. 

“Because winter break  is close? Because there’s fun leaves outside? Because it’s your birthday in 6 days?”

He stops dead in his tracks. 

“What the hell? Why do you know that?” 

“Your mom told me.” You say, skipping along happily to school like you didn’t just say something insane. His frown deepens. 

“You have my moms number? You talk to my mom?” 

“She loves me,” You say casually, turning only to look at him and stick your tongue out “And she’s nice. Get over it.” 

With this, you rush into the building faster, giggling as you leave. Rin, frustrated, stomps after you. 

__

Your time together at lunch continues into fall. It’s the third day of the term, September 6th and you’re sitting by his side. The two of you eat in casual silence now, falling into a regular routine. There’s something about the whole ordeal that makes Rin feel a little funny. 

Friendship, as it stands, is still a lukewarm idea to him. But sprawled out next to you in a comfortable quiet isn’t the worst thing. The weather is cool enough to be nice and the daylight lasts for just the right amount of time to see sunset when he treks back home from practicing shooting into the net. 

That kind of sentimental viewing of his surroundings is a bad habit he’s picked up from you. He can’t seem to shake it off. He’s tried at least, but Rin has been stopping to look at everything nowadays. The sun, the trees, the cars passing. Everything passes right by his life, slowly. 

Eventually, eventually this whole thing will cease. You’ll never see Rin again and he’ll never see you - and you’ll part your separate ways. Thinking about that feels so stifling. But he figures since that’s the case, there’s probably not any harm in letting the time pass like this. As long as he’s still improving. 

Your voice doesn’t catch him off-guard anymore, no matter how loud it is after a long bout of silence. You stuff something into your mouth, a tomato he thinks. 

“Rin-kun,” You start, tilting your head to one-side “Are you doing anything for your birthday?” 

“No.” He answers immediately because he never does. He hasn’t done much since Sae left home and now that he’s a third year and about to be 18, there’s even less of a desire to pull together a party and celebrate. 

“What? Boo. That’s so lame.” 

“Don’t be so childish.” 

“I’m older than you, you dummy,” You say with such automation that Rin doesn’t even get the chance to process “You’re not even gonna have cake? Nothing?” 

“My mom might but I don’t have any plans.” 

“Your mom is so nice.” 

“Stop.” 

You frown at him but don’t say any more.  You look like you have something on your mind. Probably something stupid, but Rin can’t help but wonder what’s making your brow crease so intensely. 

“What?” He snips. You flick your eyes to him and shake your head. 

“I just think it’s a waste,” You say simply, that tone of fondness seeping into it that Rin can’t get used to. “It’s such a big number, you know? A little cake and some show tunes or something would suffice.” 

Rin scoffs. 

“I don’t care about it. It’s pointless to me. Lukewarm” He says, before noticing your genuine sadness. He sighs a little to himself “Stop looking like a depressed mutt.” 

“I’m not a dog.” 

“I guess dogs are more well-trained.’ 

“Hey. Hey, what the hell do you mean by that?” 

He ignores you. 

“Anyway, stop worrying about it.”

You pout. 

“Easier said than done.”. 

__ 

Rin’s morning routine has been the exact same for two years. 

He starts by opening the window, to let fresh air and sunlight come in through the glass. He feels like his room gets stale overnight and it wakes him up to taste the sun in the back of his mouth. He takes a deep breath of it, clearing out his lungs and blinking his eyes open. 

After that he stretches. He unfurls a Bluelock brand yoga mat onto his carpeted floor and gets to his usual cycle. It’s integral for an athlete to keep their muscles stretched, functioning like a well-oiled machine. He has it down pat. He starts from the bottom up, stretching his legs and working up to his arms and shoulders. His legs always come first since he’s a striker, always focusing on the mobility of his calves and foot before he stretches out his thigh.

His core, then his chest and arms. When he’s done with all that - he practices yoga for fifteen minutes. Again with mobility but this time full body, like making sure each of his limbs work with each other without any stops. He’ll sit back down after those minutes are up to meditate for another fifteen - clear his mind of absolutely anything stuck in it. It’s the most peace he gets on any given day. 

At the end, he sits with his feelings. Carefully, he undoes the wrapped clothed box around his heart and stares at it as it sits in his lap. Beating and raw and melancholy blue  - so full of sadness and anger like it could burst at any minute. Revisiting his sadness and rage is a necessity. Sometimes it feels like only sadness. Only monochrome. 

(He wonders if a day will come where that part of his routine is changed. If ever, he’ll unwrap his own heart only to see it pink or golden yellow or even a softer shade of red. He wonders if the colors ever change, or if time will fade them.) 

All of this happens before he even brushes his teeth. The rest of his morning routine is keeping his room neat. He folds the comforter on his bed, puts any dirty clothes away, and gets dressed. He doesn’t really style his hair - it’s so pin straight after washing he normally just has to brush it to keep it nice. 

After that he has breakfast, and checks through his bag. On days he has school he goes to school and comes back to practice. If he’s home alone - he picks one of many other things to do. He tends to practice closer to evening, taking a shower before he goes to sleep. 

On the morning of Rin’s 18th birthday, he’s only really acutely aware of the date. His morning starts the exact same as it has everyday for nearly two years. Nothing to make him feel particularly different. When he looks in the mirror, he still sees his brother's face and when he looks at his heart it’s still a steely, melancholy blue. 

When he comes down stairs, though - there’s a pair of shoes he doesn’t recognize. And there’s a humming traveling down the hall and always the way up towards him that he knows quite well. 

He thinks, for a minute, he might still be dreaming. Why you would be in his house on a Saturday morning makes absolutely no sense otherwise. 

He slips his feet into his gray slippers and treks into the living room, only to find you in view of the open kitchen. There’s a balloon attached to flowers and a spread of fruits on the table. Orange juice in a cold glass. You with his moms borrowed apron, humming contentedly as you bend over the stove. 

Rin doesn’t know what the feeling is. He doesn’t know if he’s irritated or not. Just that it’s so overwhelming to see you in his kitchen, marching to the beat of your own drum like you always do. 

“What the hell are you doing in my house?” 

You startle when you hear his voice, whipping around to face him. Dramatically putting a hand on your chest - you shoot him an unfriendly glare. 

“Well hello to you too.” 

“Answer my question.” He demands. You click your teeth. 

“Well, obviously I’m making breakfast. We’re celebrating your birthday.” 

“Without telling me.” 

You snap your fingers before giving him finger guns “Precisely. Genius deduction, Itoshi-sama.” 

“What the fuck. Where are my parents.” 

“They’re out on a day-trip! It’s a Saturday. They’ll be back here on Sunday afternoon. Read the note.” 

“What were you gonna do if I had last minute plans?” 

“You don’t though?” You say like knowing that is so obvious. He knows you asked but still “I guess I’d turn around and make my own breakfast. Give you your gift at school or something.” 

“Why are you here?” He asks a little softer this time. With a little more emotion, just a touch. He never expects anyone to make a fuss about his birthday. 

Rin doesn’t really ask for much. Certainly wouldn’t ask for this on his own accord. That’s a vain thing to do, right? 

It occurs to Rin that this is the kind of birthday you do for someone you like. Someone you love. You’re always confessing your feelings to him. You only say it when you’re sure. It wasn’t like Rin didn’t know you had feelings for him, because the point of it all had been for you to try and get rid of them. Or honor them, or deal with them in whatever way you saw fit. Rin had agreed on a whim to help you with that. Your friendship had started with the very notion that you liked Itoshi Rin and he didn’t like you back. It’s not some secret. 

When the light pours in through the windows and hits your back and for the first time - Rin understands what the fuss is about being in love is. He’s sure that this strange, grotesque warmth is the aftermath of being liked. He always thought it’d feel more simple. That he’d remain unmoved in the face of it because he was different.

It’s not like he’s unloved. He’s sure his parents love him. His brother did too. Still does, Rin thinks. 

But it’s the first time someone has made their feelings so clear to him. Someone who isn’t supposed to love or like him. And even Rin, chronically apathetic, can’t bring himself to ignore the weight of knowing that. He stares at you, dumbstruck. 

You’re still turned to him. There’s a cool tumbler of iced-coffee sitting on the counter that you sip, head tilted to one side. 

“Well, I don’t know,” You start, a hand on your hip “It just felt like too much of a waste to do nothing on your birthday. But you’re not the kind of guy who likes big celebrations. So I thought maybe just hanging out would be more your speed.”

Rin swallows. “Seriously?” 

“Seriously.”

“Bold thing to assume.” 

You frown back. 

“Well, I was gonna invite Isagi-kun—“

“Isagi? How do you know Isagi?”

“He saw me leaving your house ‘cause he was gonna visit.  After we talked he followed me on Instagram. Anyway, I was gonna invite him and Bachira and all four of us could go to a movie,” You explain as you sigh and go back to the stove “But he said you’d probably just want to hang out with me.” 

“…And he didn’t say anything else?”

“Well he asked if we were dating so I just told him the truth. Really nice guy, by the way.” 

Rin’s going to hound Isagi next time they practice together. 

“So. Now you’re here… doing what exactly?”

“Making you breakfast. I’ll make you ochazuke for lunch later. Haven’t decided on dinner, I thought I’d ask when you woke up. Your mom said you liked traditional breakfast but I didn’t think I’d be done by the time you woke up so there’s fruit.” 

Sure enough, when Rin walks over to the other side of the table - there’s a half done spread of breakfast on the table. All the dining ware is set up neatly, the table arranged so well he feels guilty for not helping. 

“You didn’t have to do all this for me.” Rin tsks, a frown on his expression as he stands next to you. He watches you pour egg into a square pan, slowly evening out the layers. 

“I wanted to,” You reply, not thinking twice about it. “I enjoy cooking for people. It’s fun. I normally just do it to feed myself, so it’s nice to share.” 

He closes his eyes. 

“Thanks.” 

He’s afraid to look over at you, the excitement radiating off of you. It makes him uncomfortable that something so simple could make you so happy. 

“Can you repeat that?” 

“Don’t start.” 

“Rin-chan,” You coo, immediately making him so embarrassed he wants to hit you “You’re so docile today.” 

“I’m gonna kill you.” He says, hitting your shoulder as light as he can. 

“Woah…how romantic. Dying on the day you were born? Jeez. I’m swooning.” 

He looks at you blankly. 

“Stop being gross. Where did you even get that from?” 

“Too many things to count,” You say with a snap. He shakes his head. 

“Is there anything I can help with?” 

“How diligent. It’s fine! It’s your birthday, right? Sit. Eat some fruit. Pick out what you wanna do. I rented some games and there’s some movies I had in mind too. Make your agenda. “

Rin laughs to himself, lightly. 

“Isn’t that supposed to be your job?” 

“Don’t be stingy! I’m already making breakfast.”

Rin rolls his eyes.

“Yeah. Whatever.” 

__

You end up back in Rin’s room. 

After a healthy discussion about what he would like to do - Rin landed on wanting to do both. He picked out a copy of Resident Evil  to play until after lunch and then decided to binge a bunch of movies after. 

You even agree to accompany him while he practices. There’s 24 hours in a day and the plans are nothing more than vague suggestions - but deep down, it makes Rin kind of…well whatever. It’s not a bad plan. 

Currently, you’re sitting at the foot of Rin’s bed with your hands tight around the controller of his PS4. Rin feels a little bad for you. While you do okay with horror movies, the immersion of horror games seems to frighten you enough that your eyes are glued onto the screen. As such, Rin is trying his best not to startle you as you lean forward every so slightly. The leg of your pants is pushed up just barely. You’re dressed cozy, so it’s funny seeing your head shrink into your hoodie. 

“Why the fuck would you set it hardcore if this BOTH of our first times playing,” You whine, turning yourself into the next room carefully on screen “I’m scared.” 

“You’re such a wuss,” He scoffs, leaning back from where he’s sitting next to you on his bed. “We’re never gonna make any progress like this.” 

You stomp your feet and Rin resists the urge to laugh. 

“Shut up, it’s scary.” 

He nudges your shoulder with his knee. 

“Stop complaining. You got to pick the character and I got to pick the difficulty.” 

“I deserve to lust after Leon after the shit I’m getting put through,”

Rin scoffs at your declaration. The irritation is softened when you walk into the backroom faced with a zombie - a short scream leaving your lips as you mash buttons and use your gun to kill it quickly. You manage to dodge as much damage as you can, obviously trying not to waste limited resources. Even so it takes damn near 7 bullets. Despite your cowardice, you’re pretty good at the game. 

You loot the room for any possible supplies then leave. You turn the corner of the isle, a zombie filled gas station awaiting you. You manage to save bullets and stun the one closest to you before getting your shit completely rocked - quick to duck out. The first cut scene of the game comes next where you meet the other main character Claire. You gasp like you’ve been running, shoving the controller towards Rin. 

“Your turn. Move, I wanna sit on your bed.” 

“Why?” 

“Cause it’s a weekend and I have a right to be lazy. Shoo. On the floor.” 

“You’re getting way too comfortable in my house on my birthday.” 

Rin, does, go sit on the floor where you were. Mostly because it’s a better position to play the game in. At least it has minimal back support. The cut scene plays in the background, nothing difficult as the main characters go to the next area - the police station and the technical start of the game. Rin hasn’t played the remake, but he did longingly watch some playthroughs while he was in Bluelock during its release. 

He had never mentioned it to you, so he was shocked you knew enough about it to bring it over. He likes survival horror and he was always wanting to play it. 

“Me and your mom are best friends so I practically live here anyways. Also shut-up and look.” 

He does shut up, too invested in the story to be annoyed.  The main characters get separated and Leon ends up in the streets. 

For whatever reason, he’s conscious about proximity. Your knee next to his shoulder. You’re close enough to touch him casually and he’s wondering…hoping to know if you’re naive enough to do it without thinking. It feels like a stroke of luck, or maybe a form of mind-reading when you reach for his hair with your fingers. He wonders if you’re doing it on purpose. He thinks he should tell you to stop. 

But when you ask “Is this okay?” 

He can’t find the strength in himself to do it. He focuses on the scene in front of him, weaving through the cars to shake off a horde of zombies. Rin grabs the controls, immediately turning around to try and stun a group of zombies before turning into the gate so he can head to the station.

His heart is racing and his eyes almost feel cross from how much he’s focusing but it’s not exactly the game. The game isn’t even that scary, as much as it’s gory he thinks. 

“I don’t care but,” He says through a breath, trying to sound like he means it and that he’s not so conscious of the way your pinky lingers on his nape “when’d you get so touchy?” 

“I like touching you.” You reply, twirling a strand of hair around your fingers “Your hair is so silky and nice. I felt when I gave you a hug that one time and I kept thinking about it.” 

Rin wants to say “Do you think about me that much?” but the words don’t come out how he wants. 

“Do you touch everyone like this?” 

You’re silent for a minute. It takes patience, effort - not to turn his head to see the look on your face. Though he probably knows it. He thinks he just wants affirmation from you. 

“...No. Not really. I just like you.” 

There’s a beat of silence - a pause designated for his rejection, the promise he made to you so many months ago. He knows what the script is. And he’s said it many times before. Not in a million years, right? 

But he can’t bring himself to say it this time, so he doesn’t.

“Yeah. I know.” 

___

Before Rin knows it, the day is coming to a close. 

The entirety of it you spend together, with you faithfully stuck to him and without Rin feeling entirely suffocated. He isn’t sure why it’s so easy with you. Normally this much socialization would render him exhausted. Irritable at best and angry at worst. But he’s not. In fact even after his entire workout routine, he felt fine listening to you ramble. He didn’t need complete silence, but even when there were lulls and dips - it didn’t feel uncomfortable. 

You didn’t get far in Resident Evil 2. Rin decides to cut it short since it’d definitely take a lot longer than all the time you had and there were movies he wanted to watch. When you whine about not being able to finish - he quietly told  you to just come over next time and play it with him then. 

He waited a year, so he can wait a little longer. Your face lit up idiotically, giddy with delight at the promise of next time. As promised, ochazuke was for lunch and after 30 minutes of digestion - he put it out of his mind as he did his daily drills. You joined him, insisting that you’d be fine doing nothing. Sat on the field with a book the entire time even though it was cold, tossing him his things whenever he took a break - smiling each time he talked to you. 

(“You know you don’t actually need to stay with me the entire day.” He reminds you of this as he brings a bottle of water to lips, sweat dripping down the side of his head even in the cool weather. You turn your head up at him. 

“When else am I gonna get to stick by your side all day? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.” 

“You’re so good at being annoying it’s impressive,” He says, dropping his water bottle back down “Aren’t you bored?” 

“Huh? No way. I have my fun book to keep me company and on top of that I get to see you play in the flesh.” 

Oh, yeah. You mentioned watching him when he was in Bluelock. “Well, it’s not like a match. But I’m not gonna keep asking, so whatever.” 

“Yes, yes - I understand. Now go, shoo.”)

Even though Rin practiced for his usually long amount of hours, you sat with him diligently - even stopping to cheer him on when you needed a break from reading or studying or whatever else you were doing. 

Upon returning, he went to shower and you went to warm up in  the kitchen. After he was redressed and clean, he joined you downstairs to order take-out and have dinner. 

Finally, it’s after dinner and you’ve banished Rin to his room while you set something up downstairs. He’s mostly scrolling twitter, watching soccer highlights from the accounts he follows. He’s just about comfortable when you finally call him back down, which irritates him enough to click his teeth but not enough to bring it up to you. 

After a long day, when Rin finally comes back down stairs, walking down into the hall and back into the living room - he can’t help but be surprised at the change in scenery. All the lights have been turned low, and everything looks different. You’ve taken to decorating a wall of his living room after some rearranging. A white sheet hanging up with something, and a plethora of fairy lights in stripes going down it in a nice pattern. 

There’s a banner and it looks hand-made. It spells out happy birthday, rin in neat, thick blue letters on cut-out white shapes, attached along the back wall. On the table in front, there’s some decoration along with nice paper plates and plastic cutlery and a cake in the middle that’s nicer than he’s expecting. 

You beam at him as he walks in. And you’re stupid enough to be wearing a birthday hat, giving him jazz hands as he enters. 

“Happy birthday!” 

On paper, Rin thinks it’s been something of a boring birthday. He did what he normally would do on a day off but you cooked for him twice. He spent most of it with you, even though it was a lot of nothing. A lot of being together like you were roommates or something. Maybe that's why he’s so reluctant to admit that this is making him feel something. 

That the silly theatrics feel meaningful. It is thoughtful, isn’t it? Rin doesn’t think anyone in his entire life has done anything this thoughtful for him. Birthdays are birthdays, and they’ve never really been especially meaningful. He didn’t see the point in just celebrating the day of someone's birth. Certainly, he doesn’t think he’d have it in himself to do something like this for another person. 

Rin stares at you. Wearing a stupid birthday hat and the most gleeful, idiotic smile he’s ever seen. All of this for a guy who’s rejected you, but you seem to cherish so much anyways. Apathetic and ungraceful as he is and always will be - he’s so overwhelmed he doesn’t know what to do. What a strange, unrecognizable feeling welling up inside of him. And not even one feeling, but so many so tangled with each other - he can’t see anything straight. His eyes aren’t drawn to the candlelight, or the moon, or the cake. 

It’s like a sense of tunnel vision. Where all Rin can really look at is you. It’s happened before. How can anyone be like this, he wonders. Are there people born into the world so unselfishly? And if they are, why would he ever cross paths with them? How could someone so easy to love have any business loving him, in the first place? 

Rin won’t ever understand you. He accepts that. He’ll never be able to understand this kind of person. Someone who shines even brighter than the sun. 

But he’s not so stupid to not understand himself. He’s unable to say the words he’d promised to you all the way in April. Rin doesn’t like to lie. 

He would be lying, that is, if you told him just one more time that you liked him.  He’d be lying if it told you it’ll never happen. He’d be lying if he said he doesn’t like you. And it’s not just because you like him, because that never mattered to him in the first place. 

Some people are made to be adored. Born special and bright like everything should revolve around them. Perhaps that kind of thing is only afforded to people without ego. With heart and character and charisma. 

It doesn’t matter. What a stupid thing to realize on his birthday of all days.

“Rin-kun?” 

He blinks. 

“Where’d you hide all of this?” 

You laugh at him, bubbly and delighted.

“I brought it in a tote and kept it in the kitchen. Mostly stuff from my house, and your mom helped with the cake and stuff. It’s nice right? I did a good job, no?” 

Ah. He’s fucked. 

“It looks okay.” 

You frown, huffing and puffing “Just okay? C’mon, don’t be stingy.” 

“Doesn’t begging for compliments defeat the purpose of them.” 

“Not to me,” 

Your frown deepens and Rin is starting to feel the rose colored glasses set in. 

“It’s nice. It’s good.” 

“So you like it? You’re happy? Delighted, even? Absolutely overjoyed by-” 

“Cut it out or I’m going to send you home.” 

“No,” You whine, tugging on his sleeves like you’re worried he really will “I want cake.” 

“Then let’s cut the cake?”

“We can’t,” You put your arms up in a cross and Rin gives you a look of confusion. “I promised I’d get a good picture of you.” 

“What? Promised who?” 

“Your parents, mostly. But also, you should post on your Instagram a little more, no? You’re basically a famous player already, you should have the courtesy to feed your fans.” 

Before he can do anything to protest, you usher Rin to sit on the other side of the table before you back with his phone. He stares at you but you only look at him expectantly. Still, he unlocks it and hands it to you. He gives you an irritated sigh (though he isn’t really irritated). 

“This is stupid.” 

“It’s a good thing to capture memories, you dummy. Now smile,” You say, holding up the camera after some angling “Or don’t. The people do love a good scowl.” 

That makes him want to smile. He’s awkward in the photos but he does stay still for them, trying his best not to look ridiculous. You take a few, then pause to come up to the table and light the candles in front of him. He hears the camera shutter one more time before you look up at him over the edge. 

“Ready to blow out your candles?” 

“I guess.” 

Before Rin can do anything about it, he listens to you sing happy birthday - poorly with too much enthusiasm. You’re tone deaf and passionate all at the same time - singing each word with a dramatic flair until you’re on the final word. You can’t clap because you’re recording but you do cheer as he burns the candles out. Once it’s over you stop recording, looking down and swiping through the pictures. 

“They turned out good. You should post them.” 

“...You’re done taking them?” 

You tilt your head to one side. 

“Yeah?” 

“We didn’t get any together.” 

Your eyes widen like he said something shocking. 

“...You wanna take them together?” 

He scoffs. 

“We spent the whole day together.” 

You flush, suddenly embarrassed and god. 

“I just wasn’t expecting you to want that. I mean we’re friends but-” 

“Shut up. And come here.” 

So you do, phone still in hand as you mess with your appearance.

“Do you want to take it or do you want me to?” 

“Oh, uh lemme just-” You go through a bunch of filters and find one before handing it to him, a nervous expression “You take it cause your arm is longer and you’re taller.” 

Rin just nods. Takes the phone from you,  and lets you pose a little before he takes the photo. He hands it back to you so you can see, and watches your eyes light up as you stare at it. Stupid. 

“It came out nice.” You say. You save it onto his phone before handing it back to him. “Send it to me later?” 

“Yeah.” 

You give him another grin and Rin takes his phone from you, going through the pictures as he opens up Instagram. He guess it wouldn’t hurt to post. You leave his side, saying something about cutting the cake. But he isn’t looking, really. 

He drafts a post as he waits for you. He likes the picture you took together best and decides to put it second. He never has any idea on how to caption these which is why he doesn’t want to post it in the first place. He glances at you, then sighs internally. 

itoshirin._ posted for the first time in a while.  posted 7 mins ago. liked by isagi_yoichi, bachiraaaaa, and others.  itoshirin._ ; 09.09.2002. thanks for everything, stupid.  isagi_yoichi commented: no way you’re getting a girlfriend before me. life is so unfair and cruel.  isagi_yoichi commented: oh happy birthday btw bachiraaaaa commented: RIN-CHAN !!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶ official_itoshisae: happy birthday.  itoshirinsnumberonefan: WHO IS THAT??  yo_hiori: happy birthday! 

“Rin, I cut the cake!” 

He puts his phone on DND before taking a plate of cake from your hand. 

__

The clock strikes two, and you’re still at Rin’s place. 

After a long binge of horror movies, you’re both comfortably in each other's space - only inches away, talking about nothing. The movie ended a little over half an hour ago.

He’s still doing just that, listening to you chatter away next to his ear. The room is completely dark minus the soft glow of the T.V. which gives just enough light for Rin to gaze at your face. Your eyes are wide and sparkly, still, even though it seems like the tiredness is getting to you too. 

Neither of you wants to stop talking. You’ve started discussing manga - particularly Rin's favorite manga. 

“Ciguatera was interesting,” You say, hugging one of his pillows close to your chest.  “I wasn’t sure what to expect.” 

“I’m shocked you read it. Seriously. I thought you would’ve  forgotten the minute after I told you.” 

“Well, yeah. You recommended it, so obviously I wanted to at least try,” You say with a breathless laugh, turning over to face him. You’re facing each other, he realizes a second too late “You’re such a boy, by the way. Weekly young magazine? Really.” 

“Shut up.” He says, with no real bite to his words “What were you expecting?” 

“Dunno. Didn’t think you were interested in romance of all things. Especially cause Ogino’s kind of a loser.” 

“There was other stuff in it.” He points out. You chuckle. 

“Yeah. Way raunchier and darker than I thought. But it was mostly about romance. So, I was surprised to say the last.” 

“What,” Rin starts, partially offended by the implication “Do you think I'm a soulless machine or something?” 

“Well no,” You frown, shaking your head as you stare at him “But you’ve rejected every confession you’ve ever gotten, even from some of the prettiest girls in our entire grade. So I didn’t think you had any interest in that kinda thing.”

He scoffs.”You’re stupid.” 

“You tell me all the time,” You point your fingers and place them under your chin. “Why did you reject them, by the way? Just trying to focus on soccer?” 

He feels flush, explaining. Turning his gaze to the ceiling, he sighs. 

“None of those people actually had feelings for me. It wasn’t meaningful in any way.” 

“And you want it to be meaningful?” 

“There’s no point being in a relationship with someone I don’t like and barely know. And who doesn’t really care to get to know me. I’m busy enough with soccer, and I don’t have time to entertain lukewarm relationships like that.” 

“What an unexpectedly sentimental reason. How soft of you Rin-kun.” 

“Shut up.” 

There’s a pause of thoughtful silence where you hum and lay flat on your back, reaching your hand up towards the ceilings. Rin can’t do much more than look. 

“You know. How I said I’ve been watching you since you were in Bluelock?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Y’know. I always thought you looked really sad back then. I might’ve been reading too much into it but,” You smile, corners of your lips upturned while you giggle “It’s like…weirdly relieving to see you like this.” 

“Like what?” 

“You’re like…just a boy,” You say wispy and delighted “A normal boy who reads shitty raunchy magazines and thinks about love. It’s comforting somehow. Makes me feel special. I really like you. A little more every day, it feels like.” 

Another beat of silence. He thinks you can sense the hesitance of his rejection. There’s such a tangible shift in the atmosphere. If Rin stretches his hand out to touch it, he thinks he’d push through an impossible barrier and keep falling in it forever. He thinks it would swallow him. 

He isn’t sure what it is. If it’s an act of bravery, or a sudden uptick in adrenaline, or if the exhaustion of a long day is finally starting to hit. Maybe it’s just these feelings that keep overwhelming him that make his body move. Something outside of his mind, nestled in his ribs, that has him inching closer to you. 

He flips until he’s hovering over you. Your eyes widen and you stare at him. He stares back, like he almost can’t believe himself. 

“Rin-kun?” 

And he freezes. The confidence dissipates as soon as he finds it but now he’s above you, on top of you. You’re messy and flush from the day. Your mascara is smudged and your lipgloss is gone - leaving a faint sheen on your mouth that matches your skin. Your hoodie is rumpled around the shoulders - one of the sleeves pulled to your elbows. Rin really gets a look at you. Cognizant of the fact he spent all day with you. That’s why you look worn and sleepy and so unbelievably cute. So cute it annoys him. Irritates him half to death. 

You open your mouth again, only to close it. It almost feels like he can hear your heart. Or maybe it’s his. It’s hard to know the difference. 

“Is this a n-new kind of bullying?” You joke, trying to ease the tension. He frowns at you. 

“Does it seem like I’m joking?” 

Your eyes widen and you turn away. Rin wants to make you look. 

“Well no but…” And you squirm a little “what are you doing?”

He doesn’t know, either. 

“I don’t know.” He admits, and you laugh a little breathless and the tension is so thick Rin can’t swallow around it “I want to kiss you.” He blurts out. Awkward and uncharismatic and clumsy. 

A bout of silence.

“...Am I going insane? Did you just say you want to kiss me?”

“I did.” 

More silence. 

“Why? Wouldn’t that make me your first kiss?” 

“It would.” 

“And isn’t that like… reserved for your special someone?” 

“It is.” 

“Rin-kun,” You breathe out, blinking in disbelief  “Do you even know what you’re saying?” 

“I do.”

You’re a little more serious this time. You put your hand on his shoulder. He feels like the Earth is gonna fall from under his feet. 

“Stop messing with me.” 

“I’m not.” 

You frown. 

“Do you really want to kiss me?” 

“Yeah,” He can’t think “I do.” 

You reach up for him. You’re more experienced with this kind of thing and it shows as you cup the nape of his neck. He doesn’t finch. He doesn’t look away from you either, as your thumb brushes under his eyes - the both of you so wrapped up in each other nothing matters. Rin would stay in this forever, if someone gave him the option.

“W-we have to talk about this afterwards, okay?”

“Okay.” 

“I’m serious, Itoshi Rin. Because you can’t just—” 

Your palm cups his cheek and he rubs against it instinctively. He sees your eyes widen and you swallow - a frown still etched into your features. 

“I know. I’m sorry.” 

Your voice goes as soft as a whisper. 

“You’re so unfair.” 

He almost laughs. 

“Please kiss me.” He asks, so silently it almost goes unheard but he knows you hear it because your lips press into a thin line before you’re pulling Rin down towards you. Your lips are soft. And warm. And they taste faintly like whip-cream and the slight sour of strawberries and your hands are so gentle. Somehow he feels at ease even though he feels like he’s going to implode on himself from nerves. 

Just a little deeper before you pull away and stare at him. Rin looks back, eyes jumping from your lips up to your eyes and back down to your lips. You open your mouth to say something. Mumbling his given name only for him to cut you off with another kiss, a little deeper this time. The way it shuts you up is so cute it almost makes him angry. How it muffles your words, tapers off into a noise of surprise and ends up just back at a kiss. 

He’s never felt like this kind of thing was a viable option. Itoshi Rin is an antisocial, angry, and apathetic soccer protege and he has no time in the world for anything lukewarm. He’s rejected every confession he’s ever received in his life and always thought of relationships as something far off and disconnected to him in his entirety.

Perpetually unloveable but maybe not in such an angsty, vulnerable way. Like a law of the universe. A truth, like thinking of him, means to postulate that he is that way. A prerequisite to understanding him. 

Rin doesn’t like things that are half-ass. Perhaps, part of the reason he likes you so much is because you’ve proved him wrong in such an utterly defeating way. The fact your very existence is by and large, the antithesis of this truth. 

Itoshi Rin is not only loveable, but he is capable of loving. There is evidence of it, right underneath him now - with soft lashes and wet eyes and the brightest smile that could ever exist. 

And it’s haunting for more reasons than one. But he likes how unyielding the revelation is. You’re worried he’ll want to avoid it, and he does. But he doesn’t think he could forever, even if he tried. 

He’s confident if he made the attempt, you’d come barreling towards him once more. With all the confidence in the world. It makes him want to at least try to face it.

Which is why he’s kissing you a second, third, and fourth time. Which is why he’s looking at you in between, wide blue eyes transfixed on every part of your face. He’s trying to face what daunts him most, not like but love and the difference is more important as the days pass. 

You pull away, finally - put a hand on his chest and stare. 

“Rin-kun,” You whisper, uncertain of yourself which he hates. “I like you. I really like you.” And again, a little softer “And I want you to like me too,” Like that had been the biggest secret of all. Something you’d never told anyone, even once. 

Rin can’t imagine it. Have you been holding in something like this all this time? He only realized a couple hours ago and it already feels like he’s going to rip apart at the seams. 

“I do. I do like you.”

“Really? Forreal? Seriously? You’re not pulling my leg? Yanking my chain?” 

He knocks his forehead against yours. 

“Be quiet. How can you be this stupid in the middle of getting confessed to?” 

You pout. Pout at him, all whiny. God. 

“It doesn’t feel real to me.” 

He laughs humorlessly. “It’s all a dream. You’ll forget it all in the morning.” 

“Stop being mean to me.” 

He has to be. If he’s not you’re going to see right through him. 

“No,” He says instead “Stop being so ridiculous first.” 

“An impossible ask to the world's most ridiculous girl.” 

He smiles a little. 

“That’s a good name for you. I’ll change your contact.” 

“Nooo,” You say again, this time pulling him down for a hug. His eyes widened. And he’s unfair? “Be nice to your girlfriend.” 

He doesn’t have anything to say to that. It flusters him too, admittedly. Before he can think of a counter, you yawn big and wide. Rin is still on top of you and neither of you have brushed your teeth. He was planning on putting you up in the guest room, but currently you’re clinging to him half-away. And he has no such plans of telling you to move. 

“I’m so tired.” 

Rin feels like he’s going to pass out, He mumbles. 

“You can sleep.” 

“Want you to sleep too.” 

Rin closes his eyes. He couldn’t refuse even if he wanted to. You’ll have to talk about it in the morning. 

“Okay.” 

__ 

“Rin? Where’s your frie—oh!” 

Rin stirs the minute his mom enters the room. It only takes him a minute to regain consciousness and by the time he’s awake - he’s already regretting not locking his door. 

He continues to pretend to be asleep. He thinks you still are because you’re comfortably slotted in his arms. Rin is so embarrassed he wants to die. He hears his mom gasp, and then quietly shouts for his father to come to his room. 

“What are you—oh.” 

Rin is going to have the worst morning of his life whenever they leave. He remains still. He hears the shutter of a camera and grits his teeth all the way in the back of his jaw. 

“Oh this will make a great wedding photo.” 

His dad laughs a little to himself, ushering his mother out of the room “Don’t get carried away,” 

When the door finally clicks, Rin opens his eyes and lets out a breath of relief. Much to his shock, he also feels you stir. His eyes widen when you turn to him, your face painted in utter mortification before you bury it in your hands. He stares at you as you groan, kicking your feet. 

“Oh god I’m going to cry. How am I going to face her? Oh my god” 

Rin scoffs a little at your dramatics. It calms him down in a strange way “She’s not gonna say anything to you. She’s probably only going to bully me about it.” 

“I’ve forsaken you, mother-in-law” 

Rin nudges your ribs, blush crawling up his face. 

“Shut up.” 

__ 

Up until three weeks ago, Rin didn’t take issue with the way you interacted at school. 

You two have a pretty strict policy about it. Though you’re in the same class and you chat occasionally in the halls - you tend to avoid Rin where you can. Originally, this made sense. For the sake of his comfort and yours, the best choice was sneaking to the roof together to eat where you could remain mostly undisturbed. 

As such, Rin has never been particularly consciousness of your presence in the classroom. For starters, you’re always somewhere. A busybody of the highest pedigree and always running errands - even if Rin were to try to talk to you he can only really find you 20 percent of the time. Secondly, unlike Rin, you have a handful of friends surrounding you. Rin has interacted with them very briefly but you (seemingly for his sake) try not to force him out of his comfort zone too much by making you all sit together. The most Rin has gotten from them is a single knowing smirk or glance. 

And lastly, before three weeks ago, it would’ve been a big problem if people started getting onto either of you about a relationship that didn’t exist. That would've been all around awkward and uncomfortable and maybe would’ve deterred your future endeavors with other guys. 

That was when you and Itoshi Rin were in fact not dating. 

Three weeks into your relationship and nothing much has changed, though nowadays you come over to his house on weekends where you can. You’ve even been on one date after his dad (of all people) hounded him about never taking you on a proper one. 

You text the same as you did before, and you call Rin a little more often. Usually for the purposes of rambling so much you tucker yourself out and fall asleep. 

But at school, Rin only really sees you for the spare minutes of lunch and not much more than that. He’s never really thought about it before. It was never enough of an issue to warrant his intervention. 

It’s not like he cares, okay? 

But he’s more aware of it, now - frustratingly enough. You really don’t see each other often enough in school and you have many more guy friends than he had ever considered before. Every time he catches you and Murata-senpai trekking down the hall he feels his blood pressure rise. 

You and Rin have both decided, though. Despite his posting of you, neither of you have confirmed the relationship. Rin is immune to the prying and you’re good at dodging it altogether. This is the agreement. 

It is therefore very irrational of him to be thinking of speaking up at this current moment in time. 

Despite your mutual decision to keep things as private as possible, Rin has heard nothing but gossip about the situation for weeks. Outside of the usual, direct kind of prying - there’s whispers and stares and all sorts of other things. Rin doesn’t care about it. He’s used to it, it’s part of the gig and the neo-egoist league made him near immune. 

It’s all the things directed at you that make him seethe. Misplaced jealousy and the disappointed remarks of guys in class that make him feel like his blood pressure is rising. The latter is what’s making him most irritated now. How fucking long are these idiots going to talk about this? 

“Dude, you had like three years to confess,” Some idiot, who’s name Rin doesn’t know is still yapping “If she’s actually dating Mr.Popular then it’s on you for fucking yourself over.” 

The other idiot in question groans, and Rin forces his face to remain impassive as he listens. He tries to stop listening. More than once, actually. But they just keep going. 

“I didn’t think he’d actually do it dude. Like there’s no way, right? He rejected every single girl who ever confessed to him. I thought she was safe. And now my highschool love is forever ruined.” 

Like he ever stood a chance. How ridiculous. 

Another one of the goons speaks up “Dunno. Neither of them have said anything right? You miss all of the shots you don’t take.” 

“Are you saying I should just confess to her anyway? She got posted on his Instagram dude.” 

A smirk appears on Extra Three’s face “No confirmation means fair game. Stop being pussy and do it.” 

“You think I stand a chance against that dude?” 

Rin can feel all three pairs' eyes hit him at once. 

“Nah. Not a chance. But you could always wait till she’s all heartbroken and comfort her, right? Hook, line, and sinker.” 

“I hear when girls are heartbroken they’re like way more likely to let you—” 

With that, Rin stands to his feet. He’s seething. It’s ridiculous. It’s stupid. He should definitely just leave to go cool his head but he’s so fucking angry it’s hard to sit still and he has no other way of dealing with his feelings. So he walks towards the table slowly, eyes darkened and just barely holding it in

He knows this is a bad idea. He can feel the whole classroom look at him as he slams his hand down on the desk. But he doesn’t care. He’ll deal with it later. 

“You’d be fucking lucky if my girlfriend ever looked your way.” 

As soon as Rin says it, there's a thud at the door-way of the classroom. When he looks up you’re there with your eyes widened. Rin just looks back, impassive and immune to the sudden uproar of whispers. 

He only clicks his teeth when you grab him by the sleeve of his uniform - cracking a small smile as he hears the faint words “Just give up dude.” as he leaves. 

__ 

Up on the roof top, you’re shaking Rin by the shoulders - visibly distressed. 

“Hey! What the hell was that?” 

“What.” He offers, not willing to budge on the situation. In the first place he’s a little irritated by all of it. And he’s a little irritated by how much you’ve been enforcing the no-talking rule. Right now, it really feels like he can’t take it anymore. 

You frown deeply, distress only growing as the time passes in uncomfortable silence. Rin doesn’t want to be civil about it. About it and about you and about those idiots. 

“We had an agreement!” You say, grabbing him by the front of his shirt, though it’s weak. He stares down at you. 

“So what?” 

“Rin, we talked about this. Don’t be like this.” 

“Like what.” 

“Pissy and weird. You’re being weird and I don’t like it. It’s making me sad.” 

“How am I being—” 

Before Rin can proceed with his sentence, he catches a glimpse of your face in the midst of his tantrum. Sad like a puppy who got its tail stepped on and about ready to cry, he immediately seals his mouth in fear of making it worse. 

“Why are you doing that?” He spits. 

“Doing what?”

“Being all sad and pathetic. Does it really bother you that much if people know we’re dating?” 

“It’s not like that.” You assure. 

“Then what is it?” Rin prods, frustrated but not wanting to make things worse “Why is it such a big deal?” 

There’s a bout of silence before you sigh. 

“Rin, you’re a huge soccer player. The people you’re dating and stuff - it’s a big deal,” 

Rin cuts you off. 

“That’s what you were worried about? My career?” 

“Well, yeah.” 

“You’re stupid.” 

“Hey! I’m seriously worried about it and then you go and—” 

He gives you a frown. He forgets all too often you’re like this. He’s used to your silly and unserious way of talking, so it slips his mind that you’re actually a massively responsible person. You probably have a point about it, thinking of the consequences of your relationship through hell and back. With a detached sense of rationality - Rin can recognize that you’re probably thinking about more things than this. Otherwise it wouldn’t be so touchy of a subject. 

Nothing’s changed on paper, but everything will eventually. It’s something to think about, admittedly. 

Honestly Rin doesn’t care what strangers think. He’s blunt and unfriendly. Always has been, and will continue to be through the majority of his career he’s absolutely sure. Even outside of Bluelock, he has almost no regard for the opinions of other people and what concerns them. Maybe it’s irresponsible, but Rin isn’t playing soccer for the approval of the populace and nothing will ever change that. 

“If I thought that was something I should worry about, we wouldn’t be dating.” 

You look up at him. 

“You should be worried about it.” You emphasize. 

“I’m not. I don’t care what any of those people think.” 

“Then why’d you go and say something?” 

Rin seethes.

“They deserved it.” 

Your hand reaches for his cheek. He pauses and takes a deep breath, staring at you. He leans into your touch instinctively, frustration eased by the sensation. You stare back. 

“Okay. We’ll announce it officially later, then.” 

“Do we even need to do that? If you tell three people, half of our grade’ll find out anyway.” 

“Are you saying my friends  gossip?” 

He doesn’t reply to that. You pout at him and Rin fights the urge to kiss you. There’s a beat of silence as you give him a hug - the two of you on the same roof you always are. Rin doesn’t mind it, wrapping his arms loosely around your waist. 

“You know, it’s gonna get busy for me soon.” You mumble. So this is what else you were worrying about. “And for you. I have my entrance exam and the school is in Tokyo. And you’re gonna go back to Bluelock and—” 

“It’ll be fine.”

“I’m worried about it anyways.” 

“About what?” 

“I’ll see you less. What if you stop liking me randomly and I can’t even hunt you down about it?” 

Rin huffs “You’re insane enough to find me,” He drops his chin on your shoulder “Plus you talk to my mom.” 

“You’re gonna be so busy.” 

“I’ll come see you when I’m not.” 

“And you’re going to be surrounded by the human equivalent of siren women someday soon.” 

“I don’t care about that.” 

“But you might.” 

“I haven’t in eighteen years, you moron.” 

“I’m gonna miss you all the time.” You say, sniffly and Rin is so struck with a feeling of affection he almost falls “I already miss you all the time.” 

He squeezes you a little tighter “It’ll be fine.”

“For you.” 

Rin furrows his brow, pulling back to stare at you. 

“Not for me,” Because Rin can begrudgingly admit he will miss you worse than this “Just in general. It’ll be fine. You almost made it a year without me.” 

“But now I’m with you,” You reply easily, and softly and oh-so in love Rin wants to turn away “And I’m so happy and I want it be like this for a long time,”

“Just a long time? Not something stupid like a blossoming eternity?” 

“I thought I’d scare you.” 

“You did that in April.” He points out flatly. You hit him lightly but smile anyway. 

“It’s a problem how much I like you.” 

Rin likes you just as much. You’re probably too much of an idiot to realize and won’t for a long while. He takes a little comfort in, strangely.

“It’ll be fine. I’ll come see you.” He says again, because it’s the only thing he can think to say. He believes in it thoroughly. If Rin were a better, more candidly vulnerable person he thinks now he’d give the loving boyfriend speech. He almost wants to half-assedly try but can’t bring himself to get past the awkwardness. He hugs you tighter because it’s all he’s capable of, and hopes he can will it into you. The sincerity of his words, he wants so badly for them to reach you “Stop worrying so much.” 

“Rin-kun,” You start, then pause to look up at him. His breath hitches “Rin. I love you. Really.” 

He feels like he’s gonna be sick as he stares at you, eyes widened. You look the same as you always do. Unexpectant, terribly sincere, with your heart on your sleeve. The more Rin knows you, the more he thinks it can’t be easy to be so vulnerable all the time. 

So you do it for him, and only him. And Rin is always going to be intolerable. Frustrating and impatient. But he wants to do it for you too, where he can. Rin wants you to know it’ll be fine because the fact that you’re standing here now is nothing short of a miracle. Nothing comes out right. 

“Yeah.” He says, but he can’t get the rest of words out. And you laugh, and peek up at him through your lashes. 

“And you love me too, don’t you?” 

Rin grits his teeth. He wants to say no. 

“I guess.” 

“And we’re going to be just fine.” You repeat, hugging him tight. Rin hugs you back. He wants to say thank you. He wants to kiss you stupid and make fun of you at the same time. He wants you so much and so often he’s sure he’s lost his fucking mind. 

But he agrees with you, at least. He nods. He holds you. He doesn’t like to lie, so he looks at you instead. 

“Yeah. It’s gonna be fine.” 

__

EPILOGUE ; 

In Rin’s defense, he’s not trying to listen in on the conversions of your underclassmen. 

For starters, the club door is cracked up and Rin only has one airpod fully charged. Secondly, it’s not like they’re being quiet. Rin’s pretty sure anyone with decent enough hearing could hear them from down the hall. Given that it’s the newspaper club, he’s sure that the conversation isn’t usually this interesting. 

It’s just when he catches wind of your name while you’re nowhere to be found, he finds himself eavesdropping just a little. He leans back into the chair he’s sitting in, face tucked into his black mask and hat pulled neatly over his head. 

“Guys, I’ve decided I’m going to confess to Boss  no matter what.” 

He must mean you. Rin often hears how some of the people in the club affectionately add danchou to the end of your name. Rin scoffs a little at the kids' confidence. It reminds him a little of highschool. Rin really think you’re at more of a risk than he is. Being a celebrity makes him naturally unattainable - more of a fixture than a person. 

Everytime someone confesses to you though it’s sincere. From knowing you. And he gets it but it doesn’t keep him from scoffing and turning his nose up. 

“It’d be a good idea to give up while you’re ahead.” Says another unnamed voice. 

“Yeah Nakao-san. Do you even know who Senpai's boyfriend is?” 

“N-no. But it doesn’t matter. Through the powerful of love I’ll—”

Before Rin gets a chance to listen anymore, he hears your voice call out for him. He snaps his head up to look at you. You’re dressed so professionally it’s hard to recognize you like that. Your hair is cut neat and styled professionally and you’re dressed in business casual. He’s relieved he brought shoes for you to change into. 

You run up to him anyway, and Rin stands up to make sure you don’t stumble as you throw your arms around his neck. You’re closer in height with your heels on so he doesn’t have to bend down much at all to kiss you. He pulls down his mask quickly.

“Rin-tan, you’re here.” You say with a soft, breathless giggle “I missed youuu.” 

“Missed you too,” He says, an arm squeezed around your waist “I have shoes for you in the car,”

You gasp, rubbing your cheek against his affectionately. 

“You’re the best in the world. My feet are so sore.” 

“Did the interview go well?” Rin asks. You pull away, moving your hair away from your eyes before nodding. 

“Uh-huh. The women's rugby team captain is super chill and she interviews great so it went smoothly. I just need to drop the transcript off and then we can leave,” You say holding his hand. He squeezes your palms “Do you want to meet them? You don’t have to but a lot of them ask about you.” 

Normally Rin would say no. But he’s feeling a little petty today, after all. 

“Sure.” 

You beam, your hand in his as you nudge the door open. The room goes silent, a bout of excited cheering following at your return. He’s relieved to see you’re still so well loved, a little reluctant to let go of your hand. 

“Senpai, you’re back.” 

“Yup, yup. I have the transcript and recording on this USB. Watch it and draft the article up tonight. When I come in tomorrow, we’ll go through editing and get it out by Monday.” You say, hand on hip before remembering his presence. You grab him and Rin follows “Oh, and guys - this is my boyfriend! Rin Itoshi.” 

Most of them seem to know. Rin can sense the admiration but it’s respectful. He can tell that everyone is professionals in the field. Rin likes that. He bows politely. 

“Nice to meet everyone,” 

“Nice to meet you too, Itoshi-san.” 

“Danchou…you’re dating Rin Itoshi…the famous soccer player Rin Itoshi?” 

You giggle, looping your arm in Rin’s. He laughs internally. It’s the same kid who wanted to confess to you. 

“Uh-huh. We’re highschool sweethearts! And today is our very special date night so don’t contact me for any reason until tomorrow morning at least. I’ll see you guys later.” 

“Bye, senpai.” 

“Have fun on your date.” 

With that, you turn the corner and leave the room - immediately beginning to ramble about your day. Rin half-listens. He only pays complete attention when he hears your kouhais talking from down the hall. 

“Told you to give up, dude.” 

“Rin. Are you paying attention?” 

He chuckles to himself. 

“Yeah. Sorry.” 

❁ a/n ; hello!! me again. first of alll, if you read through this whole fic, thank you so much. second of all i want to discuss a few things about this fic.

im usually pretty keen on localization for my fics where possible because i think it makes for a smoother reader experience - however the usage of honorifics was important to the atmosphere for this one so i'll hope it wasn't too awkward to read.

secondly, im nervous about rins characterization for this one so i hope it was alright. apologies for any errors its 5am and im soo tired.

this fic was mostly meant as an exploration of how i think rin would really benefit from being with someone eccentric and bubbly. the core of their relationship is that reader is an overall emotionally intelligent and honest person and how that has a huge influence on rin so i hope that growth came thru. once again thanks for reading and i hope u enjoyed. rbs and tags always appreciated!

[lyjen]

No Way Out | Evan “Buck” Buckley

Summary: When the 118 responds to a call with the mission to pull out the last victim, Evan splits up from the team to sweep the last floor. The victim turns out to be the sniper, with the goal to shoot firefighters. (Y/n) is a stubborn cop who goes against orders from captain Nash and still tries to save Evan from the shooter.

Request: @lizwinchester16

Taglist: @oliviah-25 @shauna-carsley

Feel free to send in request in my “Ask me a question” section! 🩷

9-1-1 Masterlist

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

With his eyes focussed onto the burning building through the window of the firetruck, Evan placed his hand onto the lever of the door. He pulled the lever and stepped out of the truck.

When he felt the asphalt underneath his boots, he placed his helmet on his head. “Dispatch said there’s a single victim inside named Ethan.” The voice of his captain snapped him out of his thoughts and got him back to reality again.

Buck watched his captain walking in front of him. “Miller, Ravi, hook us up to some hydrants. Start hitting it from out here.” Bobby said as he pointed at the hydrants he spotted from where he was standing.

Bobby turned around to the rest of his crew, “Hen, Chim, Buck, you’re going in” he commanded the last three of the crew. Buck nodded as a small “Copy that” fell from his lips.

It was weird being on scene without his best friend, it just felt wrong. Like there was some kind of empty void that couldn’t be filled, not by anyone. Knowing Eddie was in that awful hospital room, Buck guessed he was already crawling the walls by now.

Evan turned on his heels as he made his way to the correct compartment of the fire truck. He clicked the door of the compartment open as he claimed one oxygen tank and mask.

With one knee connected to the asphalt and the other leg at a ninety degree angle, he put the helmet on the ground in front of him. He pulled the straps over his shoulders so the oxygen tank would hang on his back, and placed the mask on his face as he adjusted the straps. When the mask was fully connected to his face, he placed his helmet back on.

“Ready?” Hen asked as she was waiting on the two guys from her team finished prepping their gear. “Let’s go!” Buck yelled, trying to make his voice audible through the mask.

They made their way through the doors, as they started to sweep the first floor, looking for the last and only victim. The ground floor was empty, as well as the first floor.

“Ethan! Are you in there?” Hen’s muffled voice sounded through the second level of the building. Followed by Chimney’s voice, “LAFD!“ he yelled as all three of them swept the second floor. “Ethan!” Chimney added as he was determined to find the lost man in the fire.

“No sign of Ethan here!” Hen concluded as they came together at the staircases. “Dispatch said he might be unconscious.” Buck reminded the other two firefighters. ”I’m heading up to three!” Buck continued as he glanced at the staircase that went up to the last and final floor.

“Are you sure?” Chimney asked. “Trust me! I will be in and out in a second, like a ninja.” Buck answered his brother in law. “Copy that Buck!” Hen spoke up, “Let us know if you need something” she added as the two of them took a few steps on the staircase that led them to the ground floor. “Copy that Wilson” Buck smirked at her, he knew she hated it when he used her last name instead of “Hen”.

Buck made his way up stairs, on the wooden staircase. He had to work fast, the fire was spreading, the entire building was almost existing out of wood. When he reached the last step, he took one second to focus, and with one hard kick he broke the door open.

Evan took a second to scan and take in the scene he entered just now. The entire level was filled with smoke, making it hard to see further than 3 meters.

“LAFD! Anybody up here?” His voice roared over the third floor, he called out as loud as he could. He was trying to make himself intelligible through the oxygen mask he was wearing. He carefully tried to make his way through the smoke, trying to find their last victim.

“LAFD!” he yells again, but gets caught by surprise as he gets interrupted by his radio. “One eighteen, we have a direct order to evacuate the building” May’s voice sounded through the radio that was clipped onto Buck’s fluorescent jacket.

Evan’s eyebrows furrowed at the request from dispatch. “Evacuate? On whose authority?” He heard his captain’s voice ask over the radio. “LAPD” May answered as Evan made his way through the space.

“Ethan!” He called out again, but just as he was losing faith, he spotted two legs sticking out beside a small wall. He quickly made his way towards the person, “LAFD! Sir, can you hear me?” He asked as he crouched down next to the victim.

He touched the man’s body, but it didn’t feel like a body. His eyebrows were in a frowning position as he could feel something was off. When he pulled the body slightly off the ground and took a look at its face, he realized it was a mannequin.

Immediately Evan drops the body and he straightens his legs again. He was turning on his heels, but during that spin he could hear a gun load. Within a blink of an eye he was standing eye to eye with the shooter.

There was a few feet of distance between Evan and the gun. Ethan. This had to be Ethan.

Slowly Evan showed his hands, telling him without any words that he didn’t mean any harm and that he was unarmed.

“Come in Buck!” Chimney’s worried voice sounded over the radio. “H-Hey, I just want to talk.” Evan said with a trembling voice as he could feel the adrenaline rushing through his veins. He could feel his mouth suddenly go dry. “Buck, respond!” Hen said. “Call them back in here” Ethan said as he had his eyes deadlocked onto Buck, and motioned with his head towards his radio where the voices came from.

“Buck, what’s your twenty?” Bobby’s voice filled the small spot of silence as Buck was in his mind digging for an answer of what to do. “Do it” Ethan said, determination overtaking his voice. “I-I can’t do that. I can’t give o-orders. I’m just a firefighter.” Buck stuttered.

“Call ‘em in! Tell them you broke your leg or something” Ethan said, the tone of his voice becoming darker with every word that left his lips. He took a step closer, towards the firefighter he was holding at gunpoint.

“Do it!”

-

(Y/n) pushed the gas pedal with her feet until the pedal hit the floor of the car. She had the steering wheel in her hand, tightening her hand around the wheel as if she was trying to break the wheel.

Her eyes were deadlocked onto the road ahead of her. She could see the burning building in the street and coming closer into her vision, with the ladder from the truck of the 118 expanded until it reached the roof.

She pressed the brake, pulling to a hard, rough stop as she took out the keys with her right hand and her left hand was already on the lever from the car, clicking it open. When she stepped out of the car, she was pretty sure she could smell the burning rubber from her tires.

(Y/n) scanned the scene with her eyes as she saw Athena walking towards the 118, who were standing in a circle. When she walked towards the same group as sergeant Grant, her heart dropped down her chest as she could hear the 118 calling him over the radio.

His name was coming through over the radio over, and over again. But he wouldn’t answer.

“Ethan Copeland? He’s not a victim. He’s the sniper.” (Y/n) could hear Athena say as soon as she joined the group of people. Terrified looks were shared. As Chimney called out one more time. “Come in Buck!” over the radio.

“The sniper is LAPD?” Hen asked with confusion in her voice. “Ex-LAPD” the LAPD Deputy Chief Pate quickly corrected Hen. “After his partner quit, we realized Copeland was a problem and we removed him from duty.” the deputy chief clarified. “Now he’s making everybody pay for it” Detective Danvers added to the story.

“Anybody have any idea where inside this building Buck is?” Athena asked with her eyes locked on the burning building. “Third floor, Bravo side.” Bobby answered her question. “Somewhere around that window” He added as he pointed out at the right window.

“Buck, come in!” Hen tried again as she pressed the radio close to her mouth. The team could call his name countless times, but he wouldn’t answer. He couldn’t. Even though Ethan told him to.

“Everybody, switch to channel tac channel fifty.” the deputy chief said as he turned ninety degrees, directed to the people that belonged to the LAPD. (Y/n) placed her hand on her radio as she switched the channel with a small turn on a button.

Detective Danvers, the deputy chief and Athena gather around to make some kind of plan. But (Y/n)’s eye falls on her firefighter friend, Hen, walking away from the group.

“Hen!” (Y/n) called out to the firefighter paramedic as she ran towards Hen. Hen stopped in her tracks and turned on her heels as she heard her name fall off (Y/n)’s lips. “Yes?” Hen said as she saw the young police officer jog towards her, and stop in front of her.

“Can you get me in there?” (Y/n) asked as if it was the normallest thing in the world. Hen’s eyebrows furrowed at the request of the officer. “What? You want to go in-” Hen spoke but got cut off by (Y/n). She knew Hen would be against this idea. She was just an officer.

“Hen, if we don’t do anything. Buck is going to die in there.” (Y/n) said as a desperate expression morphed onto her face. ”You need to help me.” she added, trying to get some kind of reaction from Hen, who was just looking at (Y/n) like she was insane.

There was a silence between Hen and (Y/n), as Hen was thinking of a way to get her friend inside.

“Help you do what?” Bobby’s voice entered the conversation of the two females. (Y/n)’s head turned to the captain of the 118, “To go and get my friend” she said, determined.

“No. You’re not going in there.” Bobby instantly answered.

“Cap, with all due respect. I’ve been in that building, and it’ll be easy.” Hen started. “Cut in on the delta side, where most of the fire has been contained. She goes in and she makes her way across to bravo-” She tried to talk her captain over as she made her instructions clear.

“I understand what you’re saying Hen, but there’s one thing wrong with your plan.” Bobby said. “She will be in a fire.” He added as no one answered, and pointed out at the officer that was standing diagonally across from him.

“Put the gear on me, I’ll be protected! Trust me, I’m not going to be in there for long.” (Y/n) said, as she tried to talk him over once again. His eyes shot from Hen towards (Y/n), “No, it’s too dangerous. I don’t care if you’re wearing protective gear, you’re not trained for this!” the captain said as he made motions with his hands.

“But-” but she gets cut off by Bobby. “No buts, you’re not going in, and that’s an order!” he cut her off strictly, as he pointed at her. ”Hen let’s go, I need you to help Chim.” Bobby continued as he waved Hen over. Hen shrugged her shoulders, “sorry” she nonverbally mouthed at (Y/n) and followed her captain.

A loud sigh left (Y/n)’s mouth. Help or not. She was going in, and no one could stop her.

(Y/n) took one last look at the burning building, she had to do something. She shook her head, she wasn’t going to let this happen. She couldn’t just stay there and gawk at the window, waiting for someone to take the lead.

Determined she walked towards the firetruck as she popped open a compartment, she took a look in the compartment, but it was filled with bags. Nothing like she’d hoped for. She didn’t even know what she was looking for.

She closed the compartment again and opened the one to the side of it, revealing a fluorescent jacket, a turnout jacket.

Bingo.

She grabs the turnout jacket, and quickly shrugs it on as she closes the compartment again with her left hand. This will have to do the trick. She placed her facemask, which was hanging around her wrist, onto her mouth and placed the elastic bands around her ears.

However this might be a violation of section 14-49, she needed to do this. “Lord forgive me.” she mumbled as she made a quick prayer, looking up at the sky.

(Y/n) didn’t have an oxygen tank, so she had to improvise. And this face mask could help.

With her back pressed against the side of the firetruck, she looked over the hood, standing on her tippy toes to see if there was a free entrance.

With her eyes she scanned the scene at the moment, on the left side, detective Danvers, the deputy chief Pate and sergeant Grant-Nash who were discussing. And so were the one eighteen on the same side, (Y/n) could see Chimney pressing the radio to his mouth. They were still trying to get some kind of reaction from Buck.

(Y/n) spots the back entrance on her right. If she did this quickly, she could get through unseen and she could enter on the Delta side like Hen had told her.

She pressed her eyes closed for a quick second, as she took a deep breath as she pressed her hands into fists. There was no time to overthink this. She was doing it, even if Bobby told her off. He wasn’t her captain, she didn’t take orders from him.

“Screw it.” she whispered under her breath. She bent her knees a little to make her feet tap lighter against the asphalt, making her way towards the front of the fire truck. She peeked around towards the left side. They were still discussing.

Good.

She sneaked across the street, which was around twenty feet from the fire truck she got the jacket from. (Y/n) found the door, quickly opened it as she sneaked inside. Soundless she closed the door behind her as she scanned the space she ended up in.

A stairwell.

(Y/n) remembered Bobby telling Athena that Buck was on the third floor bravo side. Meaning she had to go up three stairs, and go straight across from the side she was on now. She could do this.

She slid her gun out of her holster from her hip and pointed it out in front of her.

The stairwell was filled with smoke, but she could see enough. Without thinking twice, she started going up the stairs. Counting every door she met, when she stepped onto the last stairs she could hear Evan and the shooter talking.

When she was over fifty percent of the stairs, she peeked through the open door frame. She vaguely could see Evan holding his hands next to his face as Ethan held him under gun point she guessed. The smoke made it hard to see what was happening.

“This is officer (Y/L/N), I’ve got eyes on Ethan.” she whispered through her radio, as she peeked through the door frame. “(Y/L/N), did you ignore my direct order to not enter that building?” Bobby asked through the radio, which was weird because only the LAPD was on tac channel fifty, but she figured he heard it from Athena’s radio. But she didn't answer, not when he already knew the answer to his own question.

Before any of the others could call over the radio, she turned the radio off. She couldn’t have any of the others communicating over the radio, not when she was that close to Copeland and Buck.

She swallowed, she was scared while the adrenaline was rushing through her body. But she couldn’t make the same mistake as a few months ago, even though she had already come further than she expected.

Ethan was on the bravo side, she couldn’t just walk straight forward towards him. She needed to make a beeline. She could go along the alpha side, or the charlie side.

As she stepped off the last step of the staircase she entered the third floor. She quickly glanced at the two choices. On the alpha side the fire was already roaring, while the charlie side had a few small flames, but mostly smoke.

Charlie side it is.

She slowly but silently sneaks along the walls of the charlie side, with her gun pointed in front of her. “We don’t get to choose who lives or dies.” she could hear Evan say, “we save everyone we can” he added, (Y/n) could hear a vibration in his voice.

He was terrified.

“You don’t have to make the tough choices, but people love you for it! And hate guys like me!” An unfamiliar voice sounded over the third floor. With every step she took, she came closer to the source.

“You think saving lifes is a hard job?” Ethan said, as she could see the silhouette become larger. She had to be quick, before he actually did something. It sounded a lot like he was tired of waiting and chatting. “Try having to take them.” he added. (Y/n) could see Ethan’s finger pressing the trigger.

She didn’t have a second to think, as she ran towards Evan and pushed him out of the way of gun point.

A loud bang sounded through the third floor, as first one dull sound took over the scene, and not a second after, another one. Evan’s eyes grew wide as he turned on his heels and saw two bodies on the ground. How didn’t he get shot?

But as soon as he saw that one of the two was wearing a firefighter jacket, he rushed towards the body. He let himself fall down onto his knees as he placed two hands onto the shoulder of the -he thought- firefighter. He carefully turned the body, but was met with an oh so familiar face he didn’t expect or hoped to see.

He stopped breathing for a second as he recognized the woman in the turnout jacket. It was (Y/n). “Oh my god-” he stumbled as he saw (Y/n)’s face, “(Y/n)” her name fell off his lips.

Why was she in here? How did she know where he was? Why was she wearing a turnout jacket? A million questions were running through his mind.

With one arm around the back of her shoulders, he held her upper body up. He was checking if she was still breathing, and he left out a relieved sigh as he saw her chest rising and her eyes fluttered open.

“Hey- Okay.. okay. You’re okay.” he tried to calm himself down as he let out a small relieved laugh and pressed his cheek against the top of her head.

A groan left her mouth as she felt the sharp sensation in her upper abdomen, she squeezed her eyes closed as she pushed her hand on the GSW.

Everything happened in a flash, Evan had so much information to take in at the moment that he didn’t know what to do or to say.

He clenched hand around the radio that was connected to his turnout jacket.

“Officer down, I repeat officer down!”

______

(Y/n) turned her key in her front door and pushed it open. “Thank you for doing this. I didn’t know who else to call.” She said as she held the door open so Buck could walk through the door frame with the two bags he was holding in his hands.

“No need to thank me, that’s what friends are for, right?” He answered, as he gave her a questioning look where to put the bags.

“You really didn’t need to help me carry my bags in, you know” she smiled as she pointed at the dining table in the middle of the room, as a sign for Buck that he could put the bags there.

“Oh I know, but I don’t think the doctor would be happy if one of those stitches came loose because of carrying these bags.” He said as he placed her bags on her dining table, and arched his eyebrows as he looked at her.

A small laugh left her mouth as she shook her head. Oh, she knew he was right. But Buck knew that once she felt good, she’d be rushing into things. He knew her too well for that.

“You want a drink?” she asks as she shrugged off her cardigan and placed it over one of the dining table chairs. “I mean if you want to, if you have nothing else to do-“ she quickly added. She didn’t want to push him into things.

Evan smiled at the way she tripped over her words, “sure” he said as he took the scene he entered. His eyes scanned a bookcase, filled with books and framed pictures.

Buck had never been inside this apartment since they met. They knew each other for eight months now, but usually they’d meet up at a bar or at his place. He had dropped her off a few times outside, when he walked her home. But he never had been inside.

“Hey can I ask you something?” Evan spoke up as he took in every detail on the pictures, and turned back around.

“Sure.” She said as she grabbed the can of ice tea out of the fridge and poured the drink into two glasses.

“Why did you do it?” He asked, as he walked back towards the dining table and placed his hands on the back of the chair. “Push me away, and catch the bullet yourself?” He added as he tried to get eye contact with her.

He could see her expression morph into an thinkful one, as she finished pouring the glasses full. But even though she had that thinkful look on her face, she didn’t answer. He pushed himself off the back of the chair and he made his way into the kitchen.

“You know there were a hundred different options.” He continued and leaned with his left hip against the counter. (Y/n) places the can into the fridge, and closes the door.

“(Y/n)?” He said her name as he didn’t get any kind of response on his words. With her back towards Evan, she closed her eyes and she took a breath. One hand was still on the door of the fridge. “I just.. wanted to help.” she sighed.

“You wanted to help..” he repeated her answer and a small scoff left his mouth. He let a hand go through his hair. “And you thought the best way to help was jump in front of that bullet?” he asked as he shook his head.

“I didn’t even have one second to think, Buck.” she said, scared to turn around, and go into the conversation. She’d rather skip this one. But here they were. “What you did was stupid, naïve and reckless.” he started. “I could’ve lost you.” he added, as he waited for her to do something, to say something. To try and win him over that this was the only and right choice.

She gathered all her courage, as she took a deep breath and turned on her heels, making a 180 degrees turn. “You could have. But you didn’t.” she said, keeping a straight face as she finally had the guts to look Evan in the eyes. “And you know what, yes maybe I am stupid, maybe I am out of my mind. But I couldn’t just stand there, waiting for orders.” she hissed, as she took a few steps closer.

“You are no firefighter! You are a cop! Why the hell were you in that building in the first place?” Evan started to raise his voice, which made (Y/n) a little scared. She never heard him yell before, hell they never even fought before.

“You really want to know why I made myself a target? Why I made the choice to jump in front of that bullet?” She asked, as she felt her hands automatically making fists.

“Yes! Please tell me.” He answered as he folded his arms over each other. “I did it because of you, and all of those people outside! I wouldn’t let any of them take that risk.” She started as she pointed her index finger at him.

“They have people, family, waiting for them to get home safe and sound.” (Y/n) added as she could feel a lump being created in her throat and the tears burning in her eyes. “I have nothing to lose.” Her voice was getting less louder with the words she spoke.

“There’s no one waiting for me.” She cried as she shook her head, and tried by squinting her eyes closed to get rid of the stinging tears. But instead of getting rid of them, they flowed down her cheeks.

“Really?” Evan started, ”Or did you do it because of what happened with Lance.” Buck mumbled under his breath.

Oh he wasn’t actually going there.

Her eyes grew slightly wider as she realized what just came out of his mouth. “Don’t-” she warned him.

“The moment you stepped inside of that burning building, and they shot him.” He continued. Trying to get to the edge. “Shut the fuck up” she hissed, with her teeth pressed against each other. She was trying to calm herself down, but the scene he used cut as deep as a knife into her skin.

He knew how much Lance meant to her, he was her brother. But once he stepped into the world of drugs and gangs, she realized how much of a red flag he actually was, and she broke contact.

But one day, when she arrived at a scene, and she entered some abandoned building, she saw her own brother getting shot, by those so known “friends”. That was now a year ago.

And the only person she had told about this, was Buck.

“Sounds like this one hit a little close to home.” He added. Her fingernails which were on the inside of her palm, still in the fists she made, were cutting into her palm. “You don’t know anything about me” she said under her breath.

A silence took over the room as Buck stopped pushing her to the edge of her emotions.

“I really thought that you’d be one of the persons who’d understand why I did what I did.” A now calmer but slightly trembling voice from (Y/n) took over the silence. She was looking at the now oh so interesting floor. “But turns out.. you’re just like them.” She added, as she looked up at Buck again, shaking her head and the tears in the corner of her eyes.

“You wouldn’t fight for your team. You didn’t do that for Eddie, and he’s your best friend.” She said, going in to attack modus now.

“You just stood there. Looking at how his body tumbled to the ground.” she continued, but the second those words left her mouth, she regretted it. This wasn’t like her. She knew Evan was only trying to make her aware of the things she did in the situation, and that she shouldn’t be acting before she thought.

He was only trying to help her.

“What now?” His voice sounded lost. Evan was aware that he said some awful things to her. And maybe involving her brother’s story wasn’t the right move, he knew that.

A feeling of rage was rushing through his body. As he was speechless, did she just really say that? Evan pushed his hip off the counter as he turned around, with his left hand against his forehead he looked up at the ceiling.

“Do you have any idea how toxic you sound right now?” He asks, as he rubbed his hand against his temple.

He turns back around to face (Y/n). “I..-” Evan stops mid sentence as he moves his left hand from his forehead towards the back of his head. And he starts laughing.

“You’re insane.” he said, as he moved and left the kitchen.

“Buck.. please I didn’t-“ but before she could even finish, she could see him leaving through the front door combined with a loud bang of the front door being smashed against the doorframe.

A sigh left her mouth as she covered her forehead with her hand. What did she do..

_______

This is four Adam twelve” she coughed through her radio as she tried to keep the smoke from entering her airways by placing her mouth in the crook of her arm.

With her hand still remaining on the radio, she scanned the room she was in now. “The fire has surrounded me.” she continued.

Yes, she was inside of a burning building, again. But this time it wasn’t burning before she entered.

She ran after a suspect for a few blocks, until he entered an abandoned building. She had called for backup, but she couldn’t risk losing the suspect. So after she called it in, she didn’t wait for backup to arrive.

She wanted to prove herself so bad to the department. She wanted to show them she could do this on her own.

But when she was checking the fourth floor, some kind of explosion roared over the level she was on.

Last time she was inside, she had a face mask, which helped with keeping the smoke out. But since she had to get out of her car and run, she didn’t have it with her this time.

(Y/n) could feel the smoke entering her lungs, making it hard for her to breathe. With every breath she took in more, and more ashes. Causing her to cough, making her head ache.

The smoke was burning in her eyes, causing tears which were protecting her eyes from the smoke and getting the suspension out of her eyes.

She couldn’t navigate over the level anymore, she was disoriented, since the fire was everywhere.

This was it. There was no way out for her. Maybe she would actually suffocate in here. She didn’t get to that suspect. This was her first shift back. Was this her karma for that fight with her friend? Her friend she was scared to admit her feelings for? The one she pushed away when he came too close? The one she broke the rules for?

“I’m on the fourth floor. I..- I don’t know where.” she gasped through the radio, trying to get in more air. She let herself fall down onto her knees as she scanned the environment once more. “Please..” she cried to herself.

Evan could hear the coughs through the radio as he was in the stairwell, just passing the second floor. He could sense the desperation in her voice as she told them she didn’t know where she was.

Chimney and Buck made their way towards the fourth floor. But he could feel his soul fade away as soon as he opened the door to the fourth level.

Flames had taken over the entire floor. “Chim, you take the right side! I will take the left!” Buck said as he pointed out to both sides. “Copy that!” Chimney answered back as he continued to sweep in the right side of the building.

The feeling of guilt was still roaring through his body. He never wanted to let things get out of hand the way it did. With his left hand he slid along the wall, following the shape of the room.

“Fire department! Call out!” Buck yelled over the floor he was on. But no reaction.

He scanned the room over and over again, he wasn’t going to miss any detail. He had to find her, and that stupid fight between the two of them wasn’t going to stop him.

“LAFD! Call out if you can hear me!” he continued. When he made his way through the room, he stopped as soon as he could swear he heard a sound. But then suddenly his eyes fell on a silhouette, kneeling down on the ground.

He squinted his eyes, trying to focus “(Y/n)!” he called out her name as soon as he could see her hands down on the ground, and so were her knees.

She tried to call out as soon as she could hear Evan’s voice in the distance, trying to locate her. But she couldn’t. She could feel herself fade away, the smoke inside her lungs was becoming too much for her. Suffocating her almost.

Her knees were burning, due to the heat that was flowing over the fourth floor. She was conscious but it was like her senses were shutting down. As if someone was turning the volume of her ears down by using a button.

But as soon as she could feel someone place a hand on her lower back and pull her arm around their shoulders, the feeling of desperation made way for relief.

She pushed herself onto her feet, as she leaned partly onto the shoulder of Evan.

“Chim, I got her! On our way out now!” Evan spoke through the radio as he held (Y/n) at her waist with his left arm and his right hand held on to her arm that was around the back of his neck. “Copy that! Leaving the building!” Chimney answered back.

“Come on, we’re almost there! You’re doing so well!” Evan told her as he guided her down the stairs and through the doors outside, which Chimney held open as soon as he saw the two coming.

Evan ripped the oxygen mask he was wearing off his face and let it hang aside his body. He moved his hand from her waist towards her shoulder, as he wanted to guide her towards the ambulance.

But suddenly (Y/n) stopped in her tracks, as she placed her hands on her thighs and bent over when she started to let out loud coughs.

The fresh oxygen was reaching her lungs now. But she could feel it burn inside of her airways. “Get off of me!” She said as she pushed Evan away, causing him to let go of her body. She spit out some saliva as she tried to control her breathing.

“Im fine!” She said, as she could feel his hand onto her shoulder again. She turned her head to the side as she glanced at him.

Tears were burning in her eyes, as her face was partly covered in ashes. “You’re not fine.” He said, as he looked at her with a worried look in his eyes.

“I just…-” she gasped as her breathing was taken over by a loud cough. “need to catch my breath” she added. “Mmm and I am Prince Charming” he said sarcastically. “Why don’t you stop being so stubborn for a second and let me help you.” He added as he searched for eye contact again.

“You’re acting like a lunatic” he said as he shook his head, and sighed at the view he had right there and then. She was practically suffocating from the smoke inside of that building he pulled her out of. “You’re running into burning buildings, making yourself an actual target, putting yourself in danger.” he continued.

“I don’t recognize you anymore. What happened to that intelligent, badass, sweet officer that I met eight months ago?” he asks as he places his right hand on his hip.

(Y/n) doesn’t say anything, but shrugs her shoulders like she’s some child getting a lecture. “What are you even doing on duty? Shouldn’t you be at home? Let that wound heal?” He said pointing out at her stomach.

“What are you? My mom?” She mumbled moody as she avoided eye contact and spit out some more salvia onto the ground.

Evan sighed, but a laugh left his mouth. It felt like the same fight all over again. It had been six weeks. Six weeks of no contact and it was killing both of them. There was an emptiness inside of them they couldn’t seem to fill.

“Don’t tell me you ignored the doctor's advice and went to work anyways.” He went on as he placed his fingers on his forehead.

He glanced at her, and she looked back at him. But when she didn't actually deny what he said, another sigh rolled from his lips. “(Y/n)..”

“You know I can’t sit still. I needed to get back out here!” She shot back in defensive mode. (Y/n) pushed herself up again, so she was standing straight.

“I'm not a doctor but from what I know, you’re not fully healed! Healing a GSW takes two to three months!” He told her as he turned around. “Please tell me you’re still talking with Dr. Sanford.” He continued.

“I have talked with her.” She started, as she placed both her hands on her hips. “One time.” she added. Making Evan instantly laugh in disbelief again. “Jesus. Seriously?”

“She doesn’t get me Buck!” Her voice was audible over the entire scene. She was talking to a person with his back towards her, almost making it look like some fight between love birds.

“I don't get it..” he started as he turned back around again, ”they’re offering their help services to you and you just don’t accept it.” he pointed at her, just to make her feel a little more guilty about the things she did.

“I don’t want help from some professional woman.” She said as she placed her hands in her hair. She felt like a crazy person. Like no one actually understood what she was saying. Was she speaking Chinese?

“Then tell me what you want. What do you need?” He stepped closer, finally after all these minutes.

She just stared into his eyes. Desperate for someone to understand her. Why was no one listening to her? “You.” The words slipped from her lips. The words she couldn’t get back after letting them out.

“I need you.” she continued. Evan’s face morphed from anger to a more calmed down one. Did she just really say that?

“You know me better than anyone else.” She added, as her eyes narrowed. “And I’m so sorry for saying those awful words. I didn’t mean it. I was a dick and I’m sorry for lashing out at you like that. The second I said those things about Eddie I regretted it but I just-“ she rattled.

“Oh shut up” he interrupted her as he took a few quick steps closer, grabbed her shoulders and pulled her roughly to his chest.

Their lips connected, and the warmth of both their bodies came together. The dried up sweat from Evan’s face combined with the ashes visible on hers.

Her body was tense, but when he crashed his lips down onto hers, she could feel her body relax. Her arms were dangling beside her body, one of Evan’s arms was pushing her lower back, and his other hand was lost on the back of her head.

Her back was bending backwards by surprise, as she held her eyes closed.

When Evan pulled back, their noses connected, and small gasps left both of their mouths. One of her hands was placed on Evan’s shoulder, as she placed the other one on his cheek.

“Uh.. okay” she mumbled in confusion. “I needed you to stop.” He gasped, as he felt her breath tickling his short hairs on his face.

“Was it.. wrong?” He asked when he couldn’t figure out by the look on her face if she wanted the same thing as him. “No” she whispered as she rubbed her thumb against his cheek. Making Evan smile.

“Okay pay up!” Hen’s voice sounded over the scene. Hen was standing at the back of the ambulance as she was holding her hand out, moving her fingers as people from the 118 placed money in her palm.

“You placed a bet on us?” Buck asked when he glanced a look to the side, and saw Hen grinning at the sight she had.

“Oh, it’s not that hard to figure out when the two of you keep fighting, hovering and risking your lives for each other.” Hen said loudly enough to reach the two of them.

[transhawks]

Why does everyone treat Hawks having always been an assassin as canon? I know he was brought in as a replacement for Nagant but as far as I’m aware there’s no actual proof he killed anyone before twice

You're right! We've never been explicitly told he has a kill-count of anything but 1 (rip Jin). However (honestly you knew this would make me actually write, didn't you?)....

1. The HSPC has changed (somewhat)

It's spelled out to us that Madame Prez wasn't like her predecessor. Her methods weren't as brutal, she was way into a war of information. In some ways, crueler. Kaina wasn't executed - instead she had her hair shorn and was defamed, humiliated.

Nagant assumes Keigo has been used like her. Horikoshi says Madame Prez groomed Keigo from a much earlier age than the middle school-aged Kaina so he had way less ability to leave or question (additionally, he was so sheltered from society and marginalized that he simply would have been incapable until he was an adult).

This is what the story says outright. So, yes, you're right - everything else is speculation. But then the question is why people believe this is canon outside of the typical abysmal literacy found in this fandom?

2. But Hawks being Hawks doesn't Make It Easier

Truth be told, I'm on your side. I used to very much doubt he had much of a body/kill count. I still think it might be single digits if we consider actually murdering someone with his own hands/quirk, though I suspect he might be responsible for deaths in other ways. I would have completely accepted Jin being his first (and only at this point) murder.

So why did I change my mind about this? Simply; Keigo's a fucking freak. I say this with love.

Every so often Keigo says or does something in this manga that both confirms he's kind of insane and in a very different moral space than everyone else, and just off-handedly mentioning he went and, after being subjected to third degree burns and essentially losing limbs, immediately went to eliminate every last sample even after the battle (where he was carried off by Tokoyami mind you) as in....destroying Jin's body or ensuring no one can use it. He's offended when it's clear Dabi got the better of him with this.

Mind you, he's the world champion at repressing his feelings, duh, but the fascinating way he speaks about this (a minute after screaming they NEED TO KILL JIN AGAIN) speaks volumes. Keigo's completely undaunted about handling death and its aftermath. If he's never killed before, he's been certainly trained to in a way that he handles it professionally.

There's one more thing that makes me think Keigo did kill before Jin. We can argue over how much Keigo hesitated killing Jin, but I think it's a point in that he did in how much he ABSOLUTELY does not with All For One.

Like he does not hesitate. Immediately tries to put a feather-knife through his brain. Logically, I mean, I think anyone would try to one-shot AFO because the more time the man that has (until he rewound himself) the more time he has to fuck you up, but still. He tries to stab through his man's head as soon as he gets out of the portal.

Here's Keigo just admitting it, albeit saying he expected it wouldn't work, but really, he's more apologizing he can't immediately kill this man.

No hesitance.

My final piece of evidence is that Keigo is currently walking around Japan in a suit with a katana begging mfers to "try it bitch". Like being quirkless, not a hero, none of that is stopping him if he needs to defend himself. And it's not like he can pin someone away with his feathers. Nor does he have dozens of daggers at his disposal anymore, just one blade. He's the type to try and finish things quickly as the manga has shown time and time again. I really hope no one actually tries to assassinate him because there's an extreme likelihood he'll just decapitate them in the SPC boardroom.

3. Red, Red Hands

To recap, we know Keigo has been trained to kill, in a multitude of ways (and not only with his quirk), and has always seen killing as option/tool he can use. The HSPC might not be as eager to kill as Kaina's era was, but they raised Keigo with the intent to use him to be able to kill people and cover it up. While there's no proof of other murders, there's proof he's been given the training, tools, and expectation to kill. And his attitude towards killing isn't making it seem like he's not done it before. Of course, he's not agonizing over it like Kaina, which makes me think he was used sparingly to kill.

But the other thing to ask is - will Keigo continue to kill (and not like in personal defense) or lead to the deaths of others? He's already set on reforming the Public Safety Commission by allowing for the reform of Villains who cooperate, renaming the Commission to distance itself from solely heroism... We're still a few chapters away of seeing what this new president has in store for society and how he'll distinguish his methods from the people who created him, but we also have two hundred and fifty chapters of him expressing dislike of how he's used, so perhaps it's fair to say he's not continuing the cycle?

[seriallover]

Venus in Krittika: The Power To Separate🔪💔

Krittika, also known as "the Cutter" or "the Power to Separate," “to burn”, is a nakshatra associated with the themes of cutting, burning, and transformation. It belongs to the Rakshasa (demonic) group, which imbues it with aggressive, lustful, and sensual qualities. This nakshatra is influenced by Shukra (Venus), the guru of the Asuras (demons), enhancing its intense and passionate nature.

Krittika is split into two rashis: Aries and Taurus. When Venus is in Aries, it is considered to be debilitated. Even in Taurus, where Venus rules, the nakshatra's nature can still create challenges. This is because Krittika is a Sun nakshatra, and Sun and Venus are considered enemies in Vedic astrology. Also, the Sun exalts in Aries. The enmity between the Sun and Venus symbolizes the tension between spiritual duty and material pleasure, authority and harmony, selflessness and indulgence. While this placement is not exactly the same as having Venus combust, the overall energy and tension can feel quite similar.

The deity of Krittika Nakshatra is Agni, the lord of fire, and Kartikeya. 🔥It is an aggressive nakshatra, symbolized by a knife or razor with the intention of cutting. 🔪This is one reason why people with this nakshatra often excel as chefs or bladesmithings.

Those with Venus in Krittika are often prone to multiple relationships or marriages, as Agni had seven wives, and they may even be the cause of another couple's breakup. His Shakti is "to burn or consume in order to purify," using fire to remove impurities and reveal the truth. This is why affairs usually don't remain hidden when the third person involved has this placement. The power of fire can purify or destroy.

People with this nakshatra are driven by their sexual desires, much like Agni, who was cursed with insatiable lust after seeing the wives of the Saptarishis naked. The Moon is exalted at 3 degrees in this nakshatra, and those with dominant Moon energy often have tendencies towards infidelity, as I’ve mentioned.

Taurus is all about pleasure, and having Venus in this nakshatra can turn someone into a hedonist, driven by a desire to fulfill all their urges and obtain their absolute dreams. This can sometimes manifest in a greedy, egoistical manner.

Funny enough, the yoni consort of Krittika is Pushya, another nakshatra associated with cheating due to the conflict between Brihaspati and Soma over Tara, the wife of Brihaspati. Either way, people with Venus in Krittika tend to attract married people, now if they indulge in an affair or not, depends on them.🤷🏻‍♀️

1. Ariana Grande has her Venus in Krittika of Aries in the 5th house, which represents short romances and flings. Ariana Grande's love life pretty much sums up her songs "break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored”; “the boy is mine”. She's currently with Ethan Slater, whom she met while they were both married.

2. Johnny Depp and Amber Heard both have their Venus in Krittika of Taurus. Allegedly, when they started their relationship, both were in other relationships at the time. Throughout their marriage, there were accusations and evidence of infidelity. The darker side of this Nakshatra manifested in their tumultuous relationship, with incidents such as Johnny threatening that he will cut himself and him painting on walls with his blood.

3. Marlon Brando had his Venus in Krittika of Taurus in his 7th H. He was famous for his numerous affairs with both men and women. Even his ex-wife Rita Moreno, admitted that he cheated frequently during their relationship.

4. Henry VIII had his Venus in Krittika of Taurus in his D9 chart. He was known for marrying six times, starting with Catherine of Aragon, who was previously married to his brother. He pursued other marriages while still married. Anne Boleyn, his second wife, was famously executed by beheading in 1536 on charges of adultery and treason. He had his Venus in Rohini (the favorite wife) in his D1.

5. Russell Crowe, another individual with Venus in Krittika of Taurus in the 5th house, began an affair with Meg Ryan whom he met on the set of "Proof of Life" while she was married at the time.

6. Partynextdoor also, has his Venus in Krittika of Taurus in his D1 chart. Themes of infidelity frequently appear in his songs, such as in his song "SAVAGE ANTHEM."

[aria0fgold]

PREV TAGS FR!!!

Also can't get over the fact that by choosing two to survive and leaving one to be left behind, it really maximizes the loneliness of not only the devil but the girl that got left out. The devil is lonely but so is your own friend, it's the isolation and loneliness of being in a room with people yet feeling alone despite that. Especially if the people in that room are those you care about.

When it comes to those girls, it's an even worse feeling to see two of your friends hanging out together even more with you just standing at the background. Their self-esteem is already in tatters. Venus didn't think that Jupiter and Neptune sees her as a genuine friend, Jupiter keeps everyone at arms reach while lying to everyone and herself, Neptune keeps herself closed off while simultaneously being open to others in a contradictory way.

By choosing two and leaving one out, it makes them think worse than they already are. They'll start to think that no one really cares bout em but that's not true at all. In the yellow ending, Jupiter and Neptune stays by Venus' side on a tree branch with Jupiter even wanting to catch both of em should any of em fell off.

In the blue ending, Jupiter and Venus keeps trying to talk to Neptune even if she doesn't respond to them. In the red ending, Venus and Neptune stands watch beside Jupiter with Venus being attentive enough to move a candle away. They all care bout one another, it's just that God's world is unfair to only allow two when the devil allows three.

One of my absolute favourite thing bout this game though is the buildup to the True Ending. You first see the yellow, red, and blue endings, you came to know the devil too but you don't really "know" them at the same time. You think of the usual depictions of the devil, cruel and evil, you think that in those endings, the devil really is terrible.

Then you get to the true ending, expecting to still hear god in the radio but you're greeted with the devil literally just going "Oh, hi there." as if he wasn't expecting you in that channel at all. And it really was like smoke and honey, it really was too beautiful. She sounded like a mother long separated from her children and want nothing more than to get them back. She sounded like an old friend you lost touch with years ago and has been missing you all this time.

"The devil is lonely. We kicked out the devil and it must miss us. It keeps begging to be let back, for us to let it in."

And it did. The devil spoke so gently in the radio, not even a hint of malice nor anger. It wasn't even threatening nor rushing them at all. It was just gentle, it was begging. The devil misses them. The devil is lonely. If all it can do is beg to be let back then beg it shall.

[ohnoitstbskyen]

let's spend an hour and a half enjoying the Heartsteel himbos | PARANOIA animation analysis

I have decidedly mixed feelings on the Heartsteel band splash art, which are intensified by the degree to which their 3 minute music video was able to near-instantly endear me to every one of these idiot himboyband doofuses.

Heartsteel is a project that suffers a lot in being compared to True Damage and K/DA, which are the most obvious points of comparison to draw, especially since Riot seems (at least to me) to have committed rather fewer resources to their virtual band project this go around. Wisely, thus, the Hearsteel project decided to attempt a very different narrative and emotional vibe with its characters from previous efforts. Where K/DA and True Damage both presented their characters as untouchable pop-gods at the top of their game, bragging about their accomplishments, Heartsteel comes from almost exactly the opposite place.

PARANOIA is a fearful, defensive, defiant song composed and performed like a triumphal power-anthem, coming from the perspective of a group of industry outsiders who have all been devalued or burned by the mainstream.

Ezreal is a one-hit-wonder whose image got run into the ground by controlling management, Yone a legendary producer burned out on industry conformity. Kayn is a pop music bad boy whose spiteful arrogance broke up his last band, K'Sante an ambitious vocal powerhouse who could never find creative partners, and Sett a disgraced rapper who lost his contract for punching a paparazzo.

These, then, are not pop-gods gracing the mortal realm with images of their brilliance, but a bunch of down-and-out losers and untapped talents trying to claw back their careers with nothing but found-family dynamics, the power of friendship, and Jackass-style promotional stunts in their arsenal. The music video depicts them running a night-time raid on a film studio, stealing props and causing god knows how much property damage trying to film their own comeback music video.

It doesn't.... quite nail the grunge independent vibe that it seems to want to go for, it has a rather inconsistent diegesis, and trying to cram character moments for six characters into a three minute song compresses the pace of the video to an almost manic emotional experience. I found that most of its setpieces and ideas did not land with me at all until a third or fourth re-watch, and going through the video frame-by-frame so I could actually take in what the video was trying to say.

Once I did, I enjoyed it a LOT. The character animation is expressive, dynamic and immensely charming. There's a ton of great texture work going on, interesting lighting, extremely creative effects, and the emotional heart of the video - the genuine affection between the band members as expressed through boyish shenanigans - hits brilliantly... once you slow the video down enough to really see it. There is also a truly astonishing amount of work put into flash frames and scribbly visual effects, and an absolute embarrassment of screenshots that could be wallpapers.

Anyway, I spent an hour and a half talking about a three-minute music video because I am the world's easiest sucker for charming character animation. Care to join me?

[iren-n-ire]

𝐀𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐲 𝐎𝐛𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝟏𝟕

If you had a conflict (fight, misunderstanding et.al) with a person who has Lucifer 7h, honey don't expect them to say sorry that fast and if they did (I bet they imagine you doing it like in shows or comics where a character is imagining a moment of supremacy), trust me there's a bitterness to it lol

Juno in the second house is like Taurus in the seventh house, they want their ideal I.T BOY or GIRL to be spoiling them with wealth or material things and don't forget that they must also be good looking.

A person who has Lucifer 7h indeed simps for Lucifer lol, it's a plus to them if their suitors has Lucifer's qualities or vibes. Overall, their type embodies his aura

Is it just me or fire signs (especially Scorpio) has a thing for breaking things or relationship. It satisfies me in some way (for e.g. burning paper, throwing stuffs, deleting people in my life) lol like some sort of refreshment hahaha

Neptune in the third house, siblings have psychic abilities or a member of the occult and so does their neighbors.

Me and my siblings all have it, I feel sorry for our occult community because some imbecile witches who use magick for evil purposes are a disgrace, that includes are neighbors and they are using for income and to feed their jealousy. Witches like them don't deserve to be a part of the community.

Asmodeus in the eight house, the champion of freaks lol but they hide it still. They don't mind exploration in the bedroom, I think if they are in the medical field, they can be a segg therapist, researcher et.al.

Saturn and Pluto dominants really said to them by the Universe to learn it the hard way 💀

People whose chart ruler is Saturn or Pluto is like a neverending test of patience 💀

I can say that as a Native with Saturn in the eighth house, I want my chaos to be in order lol

Meanwhile if your Gemini is also in eight house like mine, I enjoy the Chaos is some way lol. The people who enjoys playing with fire and it's a bonus if your Venus is here too.

Asmodeus Gemini, if you want someone playful in the bedroom then this is it, booster if it's also in the eighth house (also if Eros asteroid here or in the seventh house)

Leo in the big 3, degrees, or stellium, are you like me who loves to play king, queen, empress, emperor or in short, you're a ruler when you were little?

Neptune in the third house natives definitely love playing fantasy in their head, when they were still a little child, their favorite character maybe also Ariel xD cause I do (Sleeping Beauty too xD)

[dragonnarrative-writes]

Kinktober Day 3 - Branding

PriceGhost

CW: Branding/burning, D/s dynamics, marking, discussion of wounds, wound care

The steel in Simon’s hand is the culmination of half a year of preparation. Two smithing classes, each interrupted numerous times by missions, an interesting sort of internship with a vet, and three quick and dirty lessons on burn treatment with a nurse on base have lead to this.

“Sure about this Skipper?”

Price rolls his eyes and shucks off his jeans. “Can’t dish it out if I can’t take it.”

And there’s not much Simon can say to that, so he fires up the propane torch while Price wipes down the patch of his leg that he’s shaved with an alcohol wipe. He leans in to have Simon light his cigar, then leans back against his work bench.

For his part, Simon starts heating the the low carbon steel that he’d taken three months to shape and carve into the emblem of The 141. It was small, and full of fiddly details, certainly more difficult than just using the numbers as Price had suggested. But if Price was going to let him brand a mark into his skin, he’d wanted it to be worth the effort.

It’s only when the brand is purple all over, cooling down to the correct red-brown, that Simon feels a shiver bolt down his spine. Price was going to allow him to push hot steel into his flesh and give him a third degree burn. Price had attended every class, learned every skill with him. He’d bought the steel, helped him find a forge to rent, gotten fresh aloe and bandages and antibiotics. They were lined up on the bench next to the cling wrap, ready, waiting.

Price was going to let Simon brand him. All because Simon had asked to have Price’s mark on him, for real. Something permanent, a scar he’d chosen for himself.

The metal is a uniform red brown. Simon kneels at Price’s feet. “’S ready, sir. Solid?”

Price grins and removes his cigar from between his teeth. “Solid.”

He doesn’t hesitate, because he can’t. He lines up the metal and pushes. Price grunts, a solid hand coming down on top of Simon’s head, but he doesn’t pull. The two of them share breath for a beat, two, three. Simon realizes he’s half hard as he removes the metal, staring at the bright red and blistering skin of his captain’s thigh.

He gulps, holding the still hot part of the iron away. Jesus. He did that. “John?”

“None o’ that,” Price rumbles. This time, he does clench a fist in Simon’s hair, making him look up into hard, blue eyes. “Put that away, get the aloe, bandages, and cellophane.”

“Yessir.”

The brand hisses as it goes into the oil they have on hand, but doesn’t flash. The aloe vera is already cut and ready to be applied, so he slathers on a generous glob before applying a non-stick bandage. Price grunts a little, unable or unwilling to hide the pain. Because it hurts worse than anything they usually go through? Or because it’s them, together? Is he thinking of when he’ll do this to Simon?

Wrapping cellophane around his thigh feels impossibly intimate. Simon has to resist the urge to bury his face into Price’s leg, and makes due by tucking his face into his own shoulder and squeezing his eyes shut. Price lets him hide, for a minute, before coaxing his eyes up.

“Six months,” he rumbles down. “And then we start the process for you.”

[writingquestionsanswered]

I've got young kids, work full time, went back to school to get my degree and my spouse is also in a degree program. Finding the time to write feels impossible. There's no way I can write daily.

I feel like maybe my dream to be an author is out of reach. When should you really ask yourself if you truly want to be an author? Forget an author.. do you really want to be a writer? 

Author Dream Feels Out of Reach

You've come to the right place. ♥

First, I want to tell you that what you're feeling right now is totally normal. So, so many of us go through it. I promise you're in good company.

Second, I submit that this isn't really about whether or not you want to be a writer/author. You wouldn't be here if some part of you didn't want to be a writer/author... you wouldn't be reaching for a dream you didn't have...

Third, I further submit that rather than questioning your intentions, you may just need to consider what you want to get out of writing, what your goals would be as an author, and then create realistic goals to help you get there. That's where I come in...

1 - I'm here to tell you that you don't have to write every day. I spent a long, long, embarrassingly long time parroting back the traditional "advice" that one must write every single day in order to be a successful writer and reach your author dreams. Head, meet desk! In the intervening years, I've learned that writing every day simply isn't realistic for the vast majority of people. Why? Because we're not all independently wealthy bachelors who retired in our 40s, who spend our days fishing and our evenings partying with our eccentric creative friends, and then burning the midnight oil on our latest manuscript while we sip brandy and puff on a fine cigar. If only! (minus the cigar part... yuck...) Instead, we're members of family units, friend groups, and communities. We're parents and grandparents and guardians and caregivers. We're students, we have jobs and roles and responsibilities. We're anxious, tired, and stretched so unbelievably thin. The world is falling down around us. And it's... a lot...

2 - But... that's why we write... ALL OF THAT, I say, gesturing broadly at everything, is why we write. We write to tell the stories of the eccentric brandy-sipping writers, the stressed-out-stretched-thin-parents, the overworked-and-underpaid teachers, the exhausted caregivers who feel their dreams slipping between their fingers, and still hopeful dreamers who cling to the stars with the dust of the crumbling world in their eyes. We write to tell their stories, and we write to give them stories. We write because the world needs our stories. ALL of them. The good, the bad, the clean, the spicy, the angsty, the swoony, the cringey, the comforting, the excessively long, the absurdly short, the plainly written, the purple prosey... all of it matters. All of it serves a purpose.

3 - So, why did you start writing in the first place? You don't have to answer this for me, just for yourself... many of us would answer by saying things like, "because I have story ideas that demand to be written," or "because it's something I do for fun and escape, it's self-care," or "because I love to explore human stories." Getting to the heart of why you write, outside of any goals or future plans, can help ground you in the storm.

4 - What are your author goals? Now, if time, energy, and other considerations were no object... if you could spend as much time writing as you wanted and there were no obstacles to any author goal you had, and no limit to achieving your dreams, what would your author goals be? Do you want to share your stories on Wattpad or a similar platform? If so, do you have any goals related to views/reads/comments, and how often you hope to post a new story? If you want to pursue traditional publishing, are you happy being reasonably popular within your niche, or do you want to be a big time best-seller with your books made into movies? If you want to be an indie author, is there a certain number of books you want to get out each year? Is there a certain number of sales you want to hit for each book? A certain income level you want to aim for? Figuring out exactly what your goals are is important if you want to map a reasonable path toward getting there.

5 - What's a reasonable path to get there? Imagine "reasonable" lit up with lights here, because it's so, so important. Really, the biggest reason writers get overwhelmed and give up is because we have unreasonable expectations and are trying to meet arbitrary goals that sound great, but are just not possible to meet. If you can only muster maybe three hours to write on a good week, and you can write 26 words a minute on a good writing session, if your goal is to write 10,000 words per week, guess what... that's more than TWICE the number of words it's even possible for you to write in a good week, so you're going to fall far, far short most weeks. It's an unrealistic goal.

If you're averaging roughly 11,000 words per month and your goal is to write a novel in six months and have it revised, edited, and published (or revised, edited, and sent off with queries), guess what... your manuscript is sitting at 66,000 words at the six month mark without a single second for revision, editing, or anything else. Once again, it's an unrealistic goal.

One of the best ways to figure out a realistic goal is to take an honest look at your schedule. My favorite way to do this is by the month, using a calendar I can write on. Now, I'll go through and cross out all the days I know I won't be able to write... like, maybe I never write on Sundays because they're too busy, so I cross those off. Maybe I'm going on vacation for four days mid-month, and I know I won't write the day before or after, so I cross those six days off, too. My days tend to fall apart if I have an appointment or other unusual event, so I will usually block off those days as well. Finally, I know I will probably lose at least three days a month to not feeling well or having to attend to a family member who isn't feeling well, and another three days to run-of-the-mill nonsense, so I'll cross off the last six days in the calendar. What I'm left with is a reasonable estimate for the number of days I'll be able to write that month.

Now, let's say I'm left with 17 potential writing days. And let's say I'm fairly certain I'll be able to commit about twenty to thirty minutes to writing on each of those days. And... let's say I know I generally write about 26 words per minute during the average writing session. Twenty minutes across 17 days is 340 total minutes, times 26 wpm, nets me about 8,840 words for the month... and that's not frickin' bad! In fact, at that rate you could potentially have a first draft done in six to eight months! And that's in just twenty minutes a day three or four times a week.

It isn't about time spent, it's about setting reasonable goals.

If you create reasonable goals that you can actually meet, you start building forward momentum. You're not exhausted from fighting with your schedule and failing to squeeze writing in on days when it isn't possible. You're not beaten down from disappointing yourself over and over again. You're actually getting somewhere, and you're excited about it!

So, that's it. Before you get all philosophical about whether or not you really want to be an author or want to be a writer... before you start tossing your dreams out the window or feeling like your dreams are out of reach, try this. Be realistic. Be patient with yourself. Take support where you can get it. And don't be afraid to fiercely guard whatever writing time you do have.

I'm here for support, and there a million wonderful writing communities out there filled with other supportive writers if you have some time to look for them and spend some time getting to know them.

All the best! You've got this... TRULY! ♥

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

♦ Questions that violate my ask policies will be deleted! ♦ Please see my master list of top posts before asking ♦ Learn more about WQA here

[riacte]

🥁 Welcome to the first ever "Choose an unhinged Renchanting moment" ✨ALL STARS EDITION✨!!! 🥁

In which winners of the previous nine (!!) polls and the Last Life burning tower scene will battle it out for ULTIMATE UNHINGED RENCHANTING MOMENT!! Deliberately made to cross over from 2023 to 2024 to wish for a new year full of Renchanting <3

If you don't want to read my lengthy and dramatic sports guy commentary you can skip to the poll right at the end.

Now, let's introduce our beloved competitors! With some clips sponsored by @ani-craft, thank you as always <3

Starting from Round 1, the OG, the beginning of this series in Feb 2023— congrats to "Ren calling Maidtyn "very very sexy" completely unprovoked"!. Now, fellow Tumblr users, this is a historical moment because the Maidtyn trend was the Tumblr response to Martyn being active on Tumblr, and it snowballed into the Mint Mistletoes of MCC19 wearing skins of maid dresses (and a butler suit). This is the tangible impact of the Tumblr fan community on MCC. And of course it's about maid dresses.

Round 1 was quickly followed up by Round 2, and narrowly winning by FOUR votes is... [drumroll] "r/place (2022) when Martyn helped place a pixel of blush on RK Ren"!. Truly a chaotic moment that somehow became a highlight even in the overall chaos of those few days.

But the numbers really peaked in Round 3, aka. the Limited Life edition when Martyn's lore stream repeatedly dropped bombs on us. 100% of these moments are from Martyn, by the way. But which unhinged moment was the most unhinged? Which moment will win like Martyn? Unsurprisingly, the most popular option are those two words that basically sum it up— "UNGUIDED HAND". An unhinged moment that won with a whopping 404 out of 1913 votes.

Things did not calm down after Limited Life. Some might say the moments only became more unhinged. 2.5 months after LimLife ended, Round 4 began. Most of these moments are also from Martyn. Most unhinged of all: "Martyn declaring in a low voice: 'Third Life never ended for me'." Yeah it sure didn't, buddy.

Fast forward to September 2023. Treebark Week 2023! Surely the perfect moment for a poll! Also, I need to add that I was so excited about Round 5 that I posted it before TBW ended and... let's say it immediately got worse the day after I posted the poll. My hubris for assuming it was the end... Anyways, Martyn's Tumblr shenanigans kick in once again. Congrats to "Martyn saying nothing about an ask that claims his character is in love with Ren", which also ended up being a significant post to Scurvyblr. For reasons.

Two months after TBW, the pining gets exponentially worse. And I do mean exponentially. Enter Round 6, which has a lot of insane moments, but there was one clear winner, a moment that swept with 32% of the votes— everybody clap and cheer for "Martyn's 50 word 3L AU drabble - "Luck be with ye.... Hand"!! At the time of writing, that post has 4.1k notes. Martyn's just like us. He's writing fanfiction and that's so real of him.

Merely ten days later, fires are crackling, demons are giggling— it's the Decked Out open day! And we got a Renchanting feast! Round 7 emerged from That Iconic Burning Stone Box and was dedicated to moments the stream day. With 39% of the votes, the unhinged moment that swept was "Ren to Martyn: You have very fine lips there and a wonderful neck for kissing". Honorable mentions go to Martyn's Twitch chat (for surviving), Martyn's viewers (for clipping it with varying degrees of "what did he just say??"), and of course, False (for locking them in and kickstarting whatever the improv demon roleplay was).

A few weeks later, the flames have died down— or have they? Round 8 enters with a steel chair and Ren has more unhinged moments now. Martyn's Tumblr takes home another win with "Martyn reblogging a post that calls Ren his “Minecraft boyfriend”!! This is the third win that's from Martyn's Tumblr blog. You love to see it.

Last but not the least, Round 9 from last week! It's finally Ren's turn to dominate. Our winner is.... "Ren mentions going to sleep and dreaming of Martyn’s 'beautiful, beautiful eyes'"!! Appropriately clipped with the caption "Insane".

But that's not all! In Round 1 + 2, I purposefully excluded the altar scene and the burning tower scene because I felt those two would sweep. Now, I think the altar scene is still untouchable but the burning tower seems almost normal now. (As normal as an unhinged moment could be.)

A new unhinged moment has appeared! Challenger approaching! Last Life Ren purposefully sets his tower on fire after knowing Martyn is watching him and Martyn runs to save him while screaming "Ren, what are you doing to yourself! Stop burning yourself!".

Okay, okay, my dramatic commentary is done. Hey, I'm not a Renchanting fan for nothing. Here's the poll. Have fun :D

Much love to all of you <3 here's to another year of unhinged Renchanting moments!

(Also sorry the r/place should be in 2022 not 2021)

[azsazz]

Ace of Hearts

Modern!Cassian x Reader

Summary: Cassian has always been there for you, best friend until the end. Harboring deep feelings for you without realizing it, he watches you navigate your love-life from the sidelines.

Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence (memories)

Word Count: 2,082

Notes: Fluffy modern Cassian for the win! Shoutout @writingsbychlo for the title <3

_________________________________________

“A royal flush,” Azriel smirks, placing his cards on the table for them all to see.

Rhysands mouth drops in shock and Cassian groans, tossing his head back on his shoulders. His hair pulls and he winces. It’s getting longer and he should get it cut soon but he’s too lazy, and besides, he kind of likes the way it looks when he pulls it into a messy knot at the back of his head.

“Are you shitting me, Az?” he exclaims, all but throwing his cards onto the velvet of the poker table before him. He’s lost the last five hands and Azriel’s on a hot streak, but then again, the quiet man always is. He has better luck than anyone Cassian’s ever known, and he himself is just biding his time until the smirking man across from him wins the lottery. “You have to be cheating!”

Rhys grumbles, letting his measly pair sit face up, mocking him. He reaches for a handful of salty chips, the only thing that will make him feel better about his quickly dwindling wallet, and stuffs them into his mouth. His stomach growls in thanks, but it’s not enough. He clicks on his phone, biting back a smile as he responds to his girlfriend's cheeky text, before hitting the app for Velaris’ local pizza shop – Moon Pie – and adding his saved order to the cart.

Azriel smirks, leaning forward to drag his winnings back to his side of the table. The chips clack in a taunting manner, and Cassian can only glare at the betraying tokens. His friend is quick about it, the marred flash of his skin a beacon for all attention under the dim light of the table. Rhys nor him would ever stare. They’ve known Azriel long enough, had been the ones he’d run to when he was young and his step brothers made a game out of torturing their little brother, burning his hands with their father’s cigar lighter and a bottle of gasoline they’d snuck into the garage to get.

If he thinks about it, Azriel’s terrified scream still rings in his ears, even after all these years. Rhys and him had come running to the next yard over at the screeching but they were both too young to know what to do, and Azriel’s step brothers had turned to them with such wicked grins there was no doubt in hell that Cassian knew he was next to suffer the same fate.

It was Rhysand’s mother who had come to the rescue, dropping the plate into the sud-filled sink at the commotion and sprinting to where her son and his best friends’ screams were coming from. Cassian remembers her looking like a true superhero that day, calm as she helped Azriel stifle the flames. Nychta was on the phone quicker than he’d ever seen someone move, calling for both the police and an ambulance, screaming something about third-degree burns on a child and to get there as soon as they could.

She had always been a light in their lives, and became a mother to all three of them. Azriel’s own was away too often to be a stable parental figure in his life, and after what had happened with his step-brothers he was bound to be put into the system if Rhysand’s mother hadn’t stepped in.

Cassian was just another malnourished child from the trailer park, running around the neighborhood barefoot and holes in his shirts with a father that had run at the first sign of trouble and a mother he couldn’t remember. Nychta had gladly taken him into her home without complaint.

But she had died when they were teens, when all they wanted to do was graffiti walls down by the highway and didn’t give a shit about what any figure of authority had to say. She’d been driving Rhys’ younger sister to her dance recital and Rhys had reluctantly talked them into attending, saying he’d let them drive the brand new car his father had gotten him for his seventeenth birthday, when he’d gotten the call. There was an accident, Cassian heard through the phone…mother and sister are gone…my condolences.

None of them had driven that car for an entire year after that.

“Pizza will be here in thirty,” Rhys says, snapping Cassian from his harrowing memories. He’s grimacing, jaw clenched so tightly it aches when he opens it to choke down a swig of his beer. Azriel normally doesn’t miss a thing, but he’s focused on organizing his poker chips into neat stacks by color, five per pile.

He drags his gaze back to his own tokens, lips pulling downward when he sees how many he has left. They’ve only been playing for an hour but the hundred dollars he’d managed to scrounge up this week didn’t last him long, and he’ll be forced into watching if he doesn’t start winning soon.

“Veggie?” Az asks without looking up from his task.

Rhys rolls his eyes, answering, “Yes, Az.” He’s suddenly gone vegetarian for a girl he’d met in his earlier-than-even-satan-rises hot yoga class. The two haven’t even talked yet but Cassian has heard about it more times than he can count. He and Rhys have multiple bets going on: if Azriel will make a move, how long it takes him to start eating meat again, and he’ll be damned if he loses.

He’s tired of losing.

“Meat extreme?” Cassian asks, mimicking Azriel. His friend cuts him a sharp glare from beneath the dark fringe hanging over his eyes, gleaming gold like nocturnal animals, but Cassian only grins. He’s also made a pact that for every meatless meal Azriel eats, he’ll have double, and the way it annoys his friend is just the icing on his cake.

Rhysand puffs a laugh, dealing out another round of cards. “Yes, Cass, meat-heart-attack-extreme for you. Extra large.”

“Aces,” he sighs, grabbing a handful of pretzels to stuff in his mouth. He feels like the cat that’s got the cream but the emotion drains from his body when he sees the hand he’s been dealt.

“You fuckers can’t tell me that you’re not cheating,” he explodes, crumbles of pretzels spewing into the new pile of bets.

Rhys and Azriel share a look before they burst into a fit of laughter, wiping fake tears from their eyes and slapping their knees like this is the funniest thing they’ve ever seen.

Cassian can assure them that it’s not.

“I knew you could count cards, you fucking prick,” he grumbles to Azriel, shoving his chair back from the table as a knock on the door sounds. They’re at his and Az’s place tonight, not Rhysand’s mega-mansion because his long-term girlfriend is hosting a wine and painting party that Cassian knows is secretly a vodka spritzer and gossipping party.

He can hear his friends snickering all the way to the door and he nearly rips it off of its hinges, ready to take his budding annoyance out on the poor delivery driver.

But it’s not the kid in his teens delivering pizzas in his moms minivan standing before him. It’s you, glassy-eyed and streaks of tears cutting down your cheeks, even though you’d tried so hard to keep your composure after rubbing the droplets away.

Your smile wobbles but breaks into a desperate sob that has Cassian’s heart plummeting to the floor. “Hey, Cassian.”

His brows slant angrily and his grip on the doorknob tightens for a moment as he scowls over your shoulder. He’s quick to pull you into his chest and his warmth is as comforting as ever, even if his body is rigid with temper.

“Who did this to you? What happened?” he demands, hands finding your hair, twisting his fingers through your locks to scratch soothingly at your scalp as he drags you inside. His heart flutters at your proximity, the way you’re clinging to his shirt, but he mistakes the feeling as one of nervousness for you, furious on your behalf because his best friend shouldn’t be showing up at his house, crying.

“It’s nothing,” you snivel. “I’m just overreacting.”

“There’s no such thing,” he murmurs, squeezing your tighter. He can hear how his friends have gone quiet in the dining room. The sounds of your muffled sobs have caught their attention and he bristles because they shouldn’t be snooping. “Rhys and Az are here,” Cassian adds quietly, “Just so you know.”

You pull from his arms with a horrified look that would normally make him laugh. It’s not so funny when it’s paired with your puffy eyes and red nose.

“Oh my Gods,” you exclaim, trying to shove yourself from his arms. “I didn’t–I mean I really should have known, but please, Cass, don’t let me ruin your night. I’ll just go home and put on–”

His large hand caresses your chin, halting your words as he tilts your face to meet his gaze. The look in his eyes is stern, as is his voice when he says, “You’re never intruding. Rhys and Az can fuck off for all I care,” he adds, loud enough that conversation in the other room picks back up again. You roll your eyes fondly at his two friends that have also turned into yours.

Cassian’s voice drops again, thumb stroking across your tear stained cheek. “What happened?”

Tears brim your eyes again and your lip wobbles. Damn. He’d done a good job at distracting you and now you’re about to cry again. There’s a tug in his chest.

“It turns out Eris Vanserra isn’t all he cracks up to be,” you laugh wetly, and Cassian frowns.

He’d known it from the moment he’d seen Eris that the cocky asshole would break your heart. He’d spent days online looking into the man’s life when you had announced you were seeing him, and he didn’t like a thing he’d found.

But you’d been so happy that he told himself he wouldn’t ruin it for you. He was just being a jealous man, wanted what Eris had and had always been too cowardly to make a move. You hadn’t waited around for him either, didn’t know to.

You and Cassian had always skirted the line as something more, but that was just who you were, easygoing and ready to give anyone the shit they gave you.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he says softly, but you scoff.

“Whatever, Cass. I know you didn’t like him.”

“No,” he agrees, “But I won’t do the whole ‘I told you so’ thing, don’t worry.”

You huff, shoving at his shoulder. “You just did.”

Cassian laughs and it warms your heart, stitching the pieces together in the only way a best friend can. You knew you’d come to the right person with your heartbreak. You’d rather be laughing through the pain than wallowing in it, and Cassian was just the person to pull you from your funk.

“Well, only the one time then,” he winks, giving you a squeeze as another knock on the door sounds. It’s the pizza this time and he thanks the driver before turning back to you, arms stacked with pies. “Why don’t you get settled in my room and I’ll meet you there for dinner? I’ll even make Az trade me half of his because I got meat extreme.”

“I don’t know how you eat that,” you crinkle your nose. “The cheese and bread are drowned out by the pound of meat on that thing!”

Cassian rolls his eyes fondly. “Spoken like a true carb fiend.”

Your soft smile turns serious, gaze flickering towards the wall that separates you from Rhys and Az. “It’s okay, Cass, have your boys night. I’ll be fine.”

“No,” he disagrees, balancing the pizzas in one hand while the other takes hold of your arm. He’ll drag you to his room if he has to. “You’re staying. I can see those assholes whenever.”

“Hey,” Rhys calls from the dining room and you laugh. He knew they were eavesdropping. “This asshole bought you dinner!”

Ignoring his friend, Cassian responds loudly. “They’re cheating!”

You scowl through the wall at them, as if they can see the way you’re mentally scolding them. “Well, in that case, we should take their pizzas and let them starve.”

Chairs scrape across the floor with protests and you squeal as they round the corner, zeroing in on you. Cassian gives you a gentle shove towards his room and puffs his chest, “Go! I’ll distract them!”

[a-concert-just-for-me]

Late night thoughts but I was writing a bit of fic and started thinking about the logistics of Hunter’s post-TTT scars. Despite the scars being a huge character design change, I don’t think they’re discussed nearly enough when it comes to what they are and how they affect him.

1. Are they actually scars right after Belos possesses him, or are they wounds? The way Belos’s goop ate through his skin feels like it should be treated like he has wounds, not scars, right? I don’t see why Belos would be kind enough to heal Hunter’s rotted flesh with scars instead of just leaving him with open wounds. I know it’s handwavey cartoon logic that he just gets scars and has no reaction to them, but come on. Give me something.

Here’s my proposal:

2. In the case that they’re wounds, are they like burn wounds?

3. If so, are they second degree burns, or third degree burns?

4. Third degree burns would make sense in that he didn’t seem to have any pain post-TTT (third degree burns can cause loss of sensation). BUT, third degree burns also usually need skin grafts in order to heal, which Hunter did not seem to get.

5. Second degree burns look more like what he has visually, at least before blistering, and they don’t typically require skin grafts. BUT, they are extremely painful, and we already know that Hunter does react verbally to pain (the sewing machine incident).

Either way, I think more emphasis should be put on his wound and/or scar healing. Wounds can get infected if not taken care of properly, and scars can contract as far as I understand if not taken care of properly. And we all know Hunter takes care of himself very well /s

The psychological effects have to be devastating, too. Suddenly having vivid red scars on the majority of your body, especially ones from your abuser, and ESPECIALLY ones from the night your hands killed your best friend, has to have a huge blow to your self esteem and sanity

Update: I talk more about my devil’s advocate argument here :3

(And no I don’t actually believe the writers intended them to be anything other than scars, but I can take what little evidence I have and run with it for this headcanon hehe)

[matan4il]

This is Dolev Yahud.

He was a volunteer paramedic, and a father of 3. On Oct 7, he left his family in the bomb shelter, and went out to try and help others. There was no sign of him since then. Because it was known that his sister Arbel and her partner were kidnapped to Gaza, because his communication device's signal was picked up in Gaza, and because there was no indication he'd been killed, he was also believed to have been taken hostage. Now, almost 8 months since the attack, doing repeated DNA tests, it was possible to determine that he was murdered during the massacre, and his remains are in Israel. This says a lot about the efforts our state is still making, over half an year into this war, to identify the dead, and just how badly the terrorists treated their victims, to make bodies this hard to identify. His family can finally get closure. May his memory be a blessing.

We also got confirmation that four Israeli hostages, who had been previously seen in Hamas propaganda videos, had been killed in captivity. All of them are older men. In the case of at least one, it was pretty clear that Hamas was releasing the footage as a set up to let Israelis known that Nadav had been killed in captivity (but it took until now for the army to find evidence confirming Hamas' claim).

This means we know there are 124 hostages in Gaza, out of them at least 43 (a little more than a third) are confirmed dead, their bodies still being kept in captivity, and 81 at most are still alive. They ALL deserve to be freed.

And while all this is going on, Hezbollah rocket attacks yesterday on Israel's north, setting trees on fire, spread and for about 20 hours, this region was literally burning down to the ground. It's estimated that about 2,500 acres of Israel's land were burned. There are forests which have only started recovering from the last time Hezbollah burned them down during the Second Lebanon War in 2006 (it took 18 years for them to recover!) and now they're being burned down again... Thankfully, only 11 people were injured in the fires (I say "only" because we've seen similar fires kill more than 4 times as many, never mind the wounded), to a great degree thanks to how many Israelis have been evacuated away. But think of what it means, that for 8 months Islamist terrorists have necessitated the evacuation of hundreds of thousands of Israelis to keep them safe, while entire sections of this country are being continuously destroyed, and there's no end in sight.

The first vid: "Our entire kibbutz is about to be burned."

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I heard a TV reporter mention that his cameraman was watching the live CCTV feed from his home, showing his and his parents' house in the city of Kiryat Shmona as it was being burned down, and he couldn't do anything other than just watch...

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