#THEY MADE A WHOLE MOSASAURUS MODEL

[swan2swan]

Until someone from the staff says otherwise, I will stake actual, genuine money that this was an exchange from the writer's room that made it into the show.

[mrultra100]

Ultra’s Prehistoric Planet Reviews- Episode 1: Coasts

After so many years of agonizing waiting, we’re finally experiencing a docuseries that’s on the same scale as the original Walking with Dinosaurs, if said scale was exceeded already. Prehistoric Planet has gained so much hype before its release, with people freaking out in excitement like crazy (I should know, I’m one of them). And after watching the first episode on Apple TV + last night (Right as 12 am nonetheless), we can start with this lil’ review series I’d like to call Mr. Ultra’s Prehistoric Planet. While that wasn’t the most creative name for something like this, it’s at least catchy, right? Anyhoo, the main motto of this thing is to review all 5 PHP episodes, give them a good rundown about how good they are, go over each segment and the creatures that feature them, and label this package with my usual mind-numbing nonsense. For our first venture into the Maastrichtian era, bring your sunscreen and surfboards, because we’re gonna experience a swimming T. Rex, mosasaur cleaning stations, a trip to a pterosaur beach party, and even a glowing ammonite orgy! (Yes, that part is in there too, I’ll explain later). It’s now time to begin our journey with the Coasts. This review may contain spoilers for the episode, so don’t read this if you haven’t watched it.

Right off the bat, this episode was a very solid way to start the series. We get an live-action intro with David Attenborough where he talks about the lives of various Creatceous fauna like T. Rex. As usual, David is one of the best possible picks for the role of narrator here. His love and approach to nature, along with his 90+ year long career, makes him an incredible narrator. Not only are all of the models very well-made and accurate, but we also get quite a few new species making their primetime debut to the world of media. Not only is this the first ever appearance of Tuarangisaurus, but also Kaikaifilu (A relative to Tylosaurus, one of the most famous mosasaurs), and FOUR different pterosaur species (Barbaridactylus, Alcione, Tethydraco, and Phosphatodraco). Along with that, we also get scenes where more familiar beasties like Tyrannosaurus and Mosasaurus are depicted doing some new behavior not done in previous documentaries. It really helps this is down to further drive home the fact that these were actual animals, not monsters. The only flaw I can point out is the iconic pose of the T. Rex from the preview not being used. But to be fair, it had its own share of issues, like T.Rex living near the Tethys Sea. Even when it was receding, the Western Interior Seaway was still a thing when Papa Hank was around, so I’m cool with this segment changing. One more piece of info I wanna go over before we start covering the respective segments is how Hans Zimmer killed it in the musical department. Again, this is another legend of media we’re talking about, as the guy has made banger after banger for films like The Lion King, The Prince of Egypt, Rango, and even Muppet Treasure Island! (And no, I’m not making this up, his music actually appeared in a Muppet movie!). This man has a whole legacy behind his work, and I’m happy that PHP is now one of them.

The first segment of the episode (And of the whole show in general) shows a father Tyrannosaurus and his chicks swimming to an island in search of food. While good ol’ Papa Hank has no trouble swimming (As with almost all amniotes), trouble shows up a minute later in the form of a hungry Mosasaurus. While the massive father is safe, even within the giant sea lizard’s own turf, his chicks aren’t, with even a strangler even getting picked off and eaten by the Mosasaurus, highlighting how brutal nature can be, especially for a youngster. While he’s lost a single chick during his swim, the T. Rex and the rest of his brood manage to get onto the island, where they find the body of a dead protostegid turtle. The father Rex feeds on the carcass, while the chicks scramble to hunt for themselves, often playfully snacking on the baby turtles racing to the sea. And that sounds like a fun family activity (Terrorize and eat baby turtles while your father devours the corpse of one of their parents), well, at least to them.

We cut away from Hank and his family to focus on the pterosaurs of North Africa. Not only do we get our first look at Barbaridactylus (A creature that’ll be getting more screentime in the next episode), but also 3 other species; Tethydraco (A little-known relative to Pteranodon), Phosphatodraco (The first azdarchid to show up in this show), and the focus of this particular segment; Alcione. The chicks are left on a steep, rocky cliff by their parents, with many of the chicks having to fly over to the mainland for the first time. As many of you can expect, a majority of the chicks don’t make it, with both Barbaridactylus and Phosphatodraco gobbling them up on the air and ground respectively. While a few do eventually make it to the safety of the forest, that’s one helluva way to start off your life; go through a gauntlet as you jump off of a cliff while trying not to drown and get eaten by someone else.

Now cutting to the waters of New Zealand, we come face to face with a mother Tuarangisaurus and her calf. These relatives to the famous Elasmosaurus are the first creatures in the show to get more than 1 segment, with both of their segments in this very episode being covered in this part. In part 1, the mother and her calf (Along with many more of their kind) briefly visit a bay to swallow some gastroliths, while the mother sneaks off to get laid by one of the males. Imagine this from the calf’s perspective; You’re swimming around, looking for a few rocks to swallow to aid in your digestion and weighing you down, before you catch your mom doing the dirty with someone you never met.

Part 2 then shows the later-pregnant female struggling to keep up with the others, making her a clear target for a predatory Kaikaifilu. In order to save his mom from being killed and munched on, the older calf (And eventually the others) harass the mosasaur, biting and ramming into him. The plan works, and the Kaikaifilu swims off as the mother Tuarangisaurus gives birth.

Speaking of mosasaurs, we then cut to what’s possibility my favorite scene in the episode (And one of my favorite scenes in the show already); A Mosasaurus cleaning station. We all know how much of a powerful predator Mosasaurus is, Jurassic World’s kaijuequse Mosasaurus is proof of that. But, to see this absolute leviathan of the Maastrichtian depths getting all scrubbed up at a cleaning station is what dreams are made of. Unfortunately for the old male, a rival suddenly pops up and fights him for control of his territory. The resulting fight showcases the fierce power of these sea monsters, even moreso than the fight between the two Tylosaurus in Nat Geo’s Sea Monsters. At the end, our male wins and gets to keep his reef. Good for him, he honestly deserves his stretch of coral reef, along with the entourage of pycnodont fish and shrimp that help clean him. It’s a win-win for everyone! Well...except for the younger rival. He ain’t getting access to a free spa anytime soon.

And to end this review, 3 words; Discolight. Ammonite. Orgy. Yeah, I said that I’d get to this part, but considering how we already covered the second half of the Tuarangisaurus’ segment (Which was the last part of the episode), we’re ending this review with the ammonites, who take sex so seriously, it kills them. Off of the coast of North America, during a crescent moon, massive shoals of Scaphtid ammonites rise from the abyss to, ya guess it, bang each other like crazy! To do this, they wave their bioluminescent tentacles at each other, with them having to synchronize their glowing patterns to get the process right. Right after they all mated, the ammonites then crock. All of them. This is similar to how cephalopods alive today crock after making babies of their own. Also, gotta hand it to the team for adding in practical models. The use of dead ammonite props washing ashore makes this scene all the more real!

1 episode down, 4 more to go. Given how long this blasted thing was, this is certainly gonna take a while. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s review of Deserts! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta get all of this water out of my head.