#THERE'S SO MUCH MIRE TO LEARN STILL IM SO EXCITED

[lightbulb-warning]

i fucking LOVE drawing there's a picture there!!!!!!! i made that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[theshoesofatiredman]

im deconstructing my faith rn and your blog is kinda comforting in a way...? because i can relate to you a lot in some ways. im not even actively deconstructing my faith, im just so burnt out by the constant self-hatred (bc self love isnt allowed) and feeling like everything i enjoy is inherently a #sin. feel free to reply or not, i just wanna thank you for your account because right now i just feel so lost and tired and burnt out n

Oh my god! Thank you for your message! It is kind of sad but your ask made me realize that I've been conceptualizing the people who follow me as being like "damn yeah I'm experiencing that too and it sucks" and like when I see people follow me I'm like holy shit the suffering. Comfort? Not on my radar even though I myself take comfort from other people sharing their stories. SO thank you for your kind words and for reorienting my views.

Truly and deeply you are not alone in your experience. Your feelings are valid and the experiences that have caused them are real and they are harmful. I know I don't know you but I say that cause the amount of times I wish someone in my life had said that to me is high so now I want to hand out "your feelings are valid" like free warm chocolate chip cookies. Everyone deserves a taste even if it's not going to be filling from a stranger.

I am about to monologue now because omg everything you desire feeling like a sin is often a feature, not a bug, of religious traditions. There's this insidious combination of teachings in my former faith tradition that I am convinced absolutely fucked me up:

Self love is a sin

Being gay is a sin

The highest form of love is sacrificial in nature to the point where you would die for someone else

The good things you do and are belong to God. The bad things are your flesh

You must take every thought and desire captive and sift for holiness

These things are a recipe for self hatred. Even one of these things on their can do significant damage to your self-concept and being able to take care of yourself. Combined and you are left mired in a hatred for your thoughts, affections, interests, and desires. Who you are is someone you have to put on the altar and sacrifice to God.

Because in fundamentalist evangelicalism, you are already good at self love. Self love, aka selfishness to the puritanical, is the default state. You don't have to he taught how to do it. You have to be taught not to. So they spend all this time and energy and theological pontification on how to not love yourself, on how to effectively shrink yourself down until the self is just a quiet whisper, until who you are is just a box filled with all the things they've told you to hate.

People who've been subjected to that then have to learn how to love themselves, how to understand and accept their own desires, because it was beaten out of them. It is so mind boggling to me to see other people just wanting things and going for them. It can be extremely difficult for me to even figure out what it is I want, let alone have the courage and tenacity to realize those desires. Other people have to give me permission to want things and it is so fucking annoying, for them and me.

For example, my boyfriend will be genuinely trying to give me what I want. He wants to take me to the restaurant I want to go to. He wants to do activities during the day that I want to do. And it is so hard for me to even be able to like... just give him that list of "here's what I want to do; this is my perfect exciting day" because I spent so much of my life trying to empty myself of all desires except for God because everything else was sinful and dangerous.

I believe that it is possible to heal from this. I also believe I am still healing from this. Therapy has been really helpful but also having a partner who genuinely wants me to want things and then give them to me has also been a profound experience. I am lucky in that regard.

Something that's been really powerful for me is the experience of, now after having deconstructed my faith, no longer feeling shame over things I used to feel shame for. This largely has to do with my sexuality. But I used to think that there were things that the shame feeling was deeply inherent to them because they were sinful and sin brought shame. It was a law of nature. TURNS OUT, it ISN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL. The shame was in my head. It was how I was taught to think that brought the shame and guilt and self loathing. It is ironic that the biblical worldview that espoused "in Christ there is no shame" guaranteed I would be filled with it.

Another thing I have found helpful is asking the question -- who benefits from your suffering? For a long time the answer was God and therefore me as a result because of my belief in his inherent goodness. It was a God's glory from my suffering will bring about my good. But that eventually started seeming pretty messed up. Why would an all loving being want me to suffer? And where was the good I was promised? Now as of 2022 I don't believe the god that was being glorified ever existed. So the answer to the question of who benefits from the suffering that comes from my self hatred, my sacrifice, my denying of myself... it's no one. And even if it was still god, any god that benefits from your suffering is a god that should be distrusted -- full stop.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I'm glad my account could be a comfort to you. It's okay to not be active in your deconstruction. It takes so much work to take apart your worldview and sometimes that requires breaks. Life is busy and exhausting and fundamentally changing the way you see everything is a tremendous undertaking. I hope the days ahead and the people in them are kind to you and you are able to recharge. Much love to you and thanks again for your message.

[h-sleepingirl]

“9 Persisting Misconceptions About Hypnosis”

A zine by sleepingirl and GleefulAbandon

(Access the downloadable and nicely formatted Google Doc here!)

Hey, there! Have you been turned on to the wonders of hypnokink? Do you feel like you've just had a bucket of shibboleths and tips and bits of wisdom dumped over your head, and they are now slowly dripping down your back? Are you thinking to yourself, "OK, I am finally getting the hang of this erotic hypnosis thing?"

Not so fast! Odds are a lot of the information you've received is, while given in good faith, mired in assumptions about the nature of hypnosis and the human mind that are not empirically true! And the kicker about a practice that takes advantage of suggestibility is that buying into these can make them more true! How’s that for a mental rut?

Here are 9 myths about hypnosis you are likely to encounter in your freaky journey!

(Full disclosure: We are experienced hypnotic players who are constantly exploring and growing, and we recognize that not everyone may share our perspective on all of these. But when we accept the oft-repeated principles we hear as incontrovertible truth without questioning them, we risk building a wall between us and further learning about the amazing, weird things we can do with our brains! This is not meant to disparage any person for their beliefs or experiences, and we welcome feedback and discussion!)

1. All hypnosis is self-hypnosis.

Yep, and all pain you feel when someone punches you in the thigh is your own brain making pain happen. CURSE YOU, BRAIN!

This tends to be an idiom that can cause more harm than good. It’s clearly not an empirical statement (how could it be?) though it is often taken as one. On the surface, it’s well-intentioned and trying to convey that subjects have agency and hypnosis isn’t mind control like you see in the movies. However, while it's good to know that subjects have the ability to cultivate a real sense of self-sufficiency, it minimizes connection with the hypnotist and the power that can be exchanged. Hypnosis is collaborative, and the hypnotist’s behavior absolutely affects trance, whether positively, or in bad situations, negatively! It takes two to do hypnosis with two, full stop.

When you hear this phrase, ask yourself, what is really being communicated here?

2. Hypnosis is distinctly different than meditation, subspace, etc.

Different how, exactly? Sexiness is not sufficient here, kids.

Well, here's a whole can of worms: Hypnosis as defined by hypnokink practitioners tends to be a wider umbrella than the clinical definition of hypnosis. There is also the concept of hypnosis as an altered state and then the concept of hypnosis as a set of practices. Pretty much any altered state could be called hypnosis when kinksters use it in hypnokink to commit dastardly deeds. Same with the (extraordinarily broad) set of practices that we take advantage of to fuck with brains.

Here’s the thing: hypnosis isn’t just one solid thing or state with one solid set of rules. Trance and brainfuckery are dynamic! We don’t really even have a great way of defining suggestibility, because we know that shoving someone into an altered state and then telling them, “You will experience xyz” is not really sufficient. And of course, a lot of stuff can get done outside of a traditional “trance.” Where is the line?

Spoilers: Any line we make is subjective. Meditation, when you potentially put yourself in an altered state and change the way you focus pretty much fits under that umbrella, too.

3. You can't make someone do something they "don't want to do" or go against "core values" with hypnosis.

We do things we don't want to do all the time, starting each day from when we wake up when our alarms go off. People drink alcohol and do things they wouldn't have otherwise done. People are talked into buying things they don’t want or need, or making complex decisions that don’t always have their best interests at heart. Not to mention that our broad-strokes “core beliefs” are changeable, sometimes with just a simple shift in perspective.

Human beings are dynamic and complex and exciting creatures, and we don't have a black box inside of us with ideas that are immutable to us. Change in belief and behavior is a part of how we function, and that’s WITHOUT hypnosis! Once again, this myth is well-intentioned, but an oversimplification that can backfire if someone is trying to process why they experienced a hypnotic scene differently than they thought they would.

4. Depth is the key to suggestibility.

Here's an idea: A swear jar but you have to put money in every time someone asks if they were "deep enough." Depth is a metaphor, but it's a useful one! It relates to your own subjective trance experience and how you experience intensifying it, which is hugely important self-knowledge. But it is not quantifiable, and there is not a simple correlation between depth and ability to access more trance phenomena. As with many things in hypnosis, it’s different for everyone and can be different at different times based on a huge number of variables.

And on that note…

5. Suggestibility scales are legit.

"But wait!" You might say, "These have been studied! What about things like the Stanford Susceptibility Scale?"

They're bad.

Academics, in good faith, tried to impose objective rules on altered states that run on the subjectivity and diversity of the human mind. People are different. Subjects are different. Alas, researchers at Stanford in 1959 (yes, that long ago) were mystified by this concept. And still, so are some today.

Really, Stanford peeps, amnesia is the most hypnotized a person can get? Some folks lose memories in trance right away but won't take to certain hallucinations. And some hallucinations are easier for some folks than others. Trying to create hypnotic rules for how hypnotizable you are is a losing game.

But speaking of different kinds of hallucinations...

6. Working with someone’s “primary modality” is the key to effective hypnosis.

The idea that of the five senses we each have one primary one that aids in our learning and that is best used to create hypnotic states and phenomena is not only limiting, it’s been debunked time and time again. The concept of “modalities” that is so prevalent in the erotic hypnosis world comes directly from NLP, where Richard Bandler and John Grinder stated that we had primary modalities — a “Preferred Representational System.” However, just like with learning styles, study after study after study has found no supporting evidence of this. In fact, in the ‘80s (yes, that long ago), Bandler himself said that this idea was no longer emphasized in NLP (regardless of the fact that it is still pervasive today).

And beyond this, yeah, you could spend your time using only visual cues and visual words and creating visual hallucinations, or you could actually utilize multiple senses, because spoiler alert that is how human beings experience the world. You're not trying to find a secret code that unlocks a shortcut to being a better subject, you're Dora the Goddamned Explorer and it's not just about finding the thing at the end; it's about chilling with Boots and Map.

7. “iM tOo AnAlYtIcAl To Be HyPnOtIzEd”

Also going in the swear jar is anyone saying they have trouble being hypnotized because they're "too analytical." Bruh. Hypnosis is not a game of chess wherein the hypnotist out-logics the subject to get them to comply. It's engaging your brain and letting you do more with it than you thought possible. This is definitely not downplaying the experience of people who have had a difficult time getting the experiences they are searching for, but more about The System(ic misunderstanding pervading hypnokink culture) getting us all down.

Being “thinky” doesn’t mean someone can’t be hypnotized (hypnosis =/= not thinking or altered thinking), it just means that you both use what you’ve got — hypnotist AND subject. Analyzing something doesn’t make it impossible to trance. Hypnosis should not be synonymous with “letting go.” It’s about changes in focus and engagement, oftentimes really subtle, especially for subjects who have preconceived notions of what it’s going to feel like. It’s dynamic, it doesn’t mean laser focus, and it sure as hell doesn’t mean blank-minded.

Subjects: Learn to love the way you analyze; notice shifts and changes, use it to be open to learning about how hypnosis feels for you as opposed to what you expect it to feel like. Understanding what your real subjective responses are is key to growing.

Hypnotists: While it might be helpful for some people, stop assuming that you necessarily have to overload or confuse them to get to the holy hypnotic grail of mindlessness; utilize their internal responses for the trance!

Here's a secret: If a hypnotist calls someone a "difficult subject," they mean they failed to connect with their partner in a way that they deemed hypnotic enough. This is on them, not the subject.

8. Your subconscious is like a quiet roommate chilling inside your head.

The metaphor of your subconscious (or unconscious mind) as someone with whom you can communicate is a useful one for a lot of people! It can put you in touch with how you're feeling and processing, and create fun surprises no one might expect. But it's just that: a metaphor. Your brain is not a director and an actor; it’s a beautifully complex amalgam of experiences and observations. You can play with treating your subconscious as a person, but recognize that there's not literally a man behind a curtain, and recognize that your interpretation of it might be flawed (i.e., don’t use your “unconscious mind” to negotiate under the assumption that this conscious personification is faultless and somehow knows better than you do).

9. Abreactions.

This is a huge one, and another one where the hypnosis scene has deviated from psychology (sometimes a good thing!). Clinically, an abreaction is a response with some emotional connection, and is in fact often used as a tool to create breakthroughs in therapy. In the hypnokink Scene, “abreaction” has also become a boogeyman, a synonym for "freak out.”

Can folks freak out during a hypnosis scene? Sure! Can they freak out during an impact scene? Of course! Can they freak out in the dairy aisle of the supermarket because the wrong song starts playing on the loudspeaker? Also, yes. But an abreaction isn't technically synonymous with freak-out. Technically, a giggle-fit during hypnosis can be an abreaction.

Here’s the thing: it might even be OK to appropriate the term “abreaction” to mean “negative reaction” in the hypnokink community, but we have to stop making that interchangeable with “unexpected reaction.” Of course a negative reaction is unexpected. But that doesn’t mean all unexpected reactions are negative. They happen absolutely all the time in hypnosis; demonizing all of them is unhealthy and unrealistic.

Well-intentioned practitioners of erotic hypnosis have put all their safety eggs in one basket: Caution against causing an abreaction, end the scene when you do, and you've accounted for the worst. But this is a scene that traffics in suggestibility; when you make out abreactions to be this looming, awful risk, you bring them to the fore, and when both players assume that that means an unexpected reaction is cause for panic, it creates unwarranted anxiety and problems. Not to mention that it greatly hinders the breadth and depth of what you can achieve together.

In short, you can and should learn to navigate emotional vulnerability and be confident and flexible in handling your partners’ responses, no matter how unexpected or intense they are. We're here for those reactions, folks, and not all of them are to be feared and fixed.

Sleepingirl is a switchy writer, presenter, and podcaster who joined the public kink scene in 2012. She’s had a life-long hypnofetish and is way too interested in brainwashing. She did the doodles for this zine, and look out for her Brainwashing Book coming soon! Check out her hypnokink podcast at twohypchicks.simplecast.fm and follow her: Twitter @h_sleepingirl, Tumblr @h-sleepingirl, FetLife @sleepingirl

GleefulAbandon is a queer, submissive hypnofetishist. She joined the BDSM/Hypnokink Scene in 2012, and teaches and writes about hypnosis from the subject’s perspective. She’s a sucker for a pocket watch. @gleefulabandon

[f-724-morty-blog]

724 Journal Entry 001

724 Journal Entry 001

[A series of 724′s journal entries following his Rick’s death. Consider this a consolation prize until Im well enough to draw again. I hope you all enjoy!]

I feel numb. It’s been a few weeks since Rick...passed, and the whole world feels fake. Summer said I should try writing things out, to help process or whatever. I don’t know if it’ll actually work, but why the fuck not, right? It’s not like I can talk to anyone about it. Whenever I try my throat closes up and I feel like I’m drowning.

She bought me the journal, anyways, so I might as well use it. I’ll try and recount as much as I can as accurately as I can. This part isn’t just for me, this is for Rick, so someone will always remember what happened to him. That even after all the wrong he did, he died a hero.

Rick died saving my life.

___

“M-oUGHRty, g-get dressed, Morty, we gotta go to Pouirte N-683 th-they just opened the pl-AUGHnet again, we, we can finally get this crazy rare substance, Morty, a-and I can synthesize it into a serum that’ll let me, just, just rearrange genomes like nothing you’ve ever seen!”

Morty scrambled out of bed, glancing at his alarm clock as he frantically yanked on a pair of jeans. “B-but Rick, I-I-I’ve seen you m-mani-manip-mess with genomes before, s-so what makes this so special?”

Rick looked manic, pacing the room and throwing his arms about wildly as he spoke. “Th-this stuff makes it so much easier, Morty, wh-when I do it from scratch i-its just overly complicated and fr-uAGH-strating. A-and this, i-it creates new stem cells, Morty, y-you know the kind that can become a-anything, the ones that b-become your whole body when y-y-ou’re in the womb, and look, theres, there’s a lot of complicated science stuff, b-but basically I can reprogram y-your body as if it were still developing and change your appearance and all kinds of stuff Morty, all kinds of science!”

Morty’s shirt was half way on when Rick grabbed his elbow and yanked him out the door, the boy stumbling after him as he struggled with the fabric. “O-oh jeez, Rick, I-I-I dunno if I want y-you to mess with my, my appearance, I think I like-”

“M-oURty we all know y-you’re insecure as fuck, just, just get in the car, Morty, I-I can always reverse it i-if you don’t like it,” He plopped into the drivers seat, kicking a few empty bottles out onto the floor and fumbling with the seatbelt. Morty finally yanked his shirt on properly and went to his place in the passenger seat.

As apprehensive as Morty was to have his genome fiddled with, he hadn’t seen Rick this excited in a while, and the scientist’s mood was infectious. He was only about half as condescending as usual, more willing to pal around and joke as he explained some of the ins and outs of this ‘rare substance.’ Although he didn’t quite understand most of what Rick said, his enthusiasm was warming, and their flight through space was a pleasant one.

“A-alright Morty, Pouirte is, it’s probably one of the safer p-places we’ve visited, there’s no biological land-mines o-or governments who hate me,” Rick said, landing the ship in a vacant parking place.

“R-really, Rick? You mean you haven’t p-pissed off their government yet?”

“Nope,” Rick replied, exiting the vehicle. “W-well, I did, but then the wh-OAUle planet had a Civil war, a-a-and all the old governments were dismantled. So I haven’t pissed off the new government yet.”

Morty chuckled nervously, following Rick out of the car and down the alien streets. The sky here was a light, dusky purple, only a few shades darker than Earth’s blue, and currently dusted with wispy clouds. The city around them was reminiscent of one on the east coast, parts of it clearly unplanned and much older than the more modern landing pads and sky scrapers. Its buildings were made of some sort of shimmering, cobalt material, reflecting the sunlight and neon signs subtly.

Rick, as usual, was unphased by the stunning visuals, and kept up a brisk pace through the winding city streets. “S-so, Rick, where are we going, t-to find this stuff?”

“W-we’re taking this planet’s equivalent to a, a bu-URRP-llet train t-to a nature preserve,” Rick replied, taking a swig from his flask and glancing at a few street signs. The language was unintelligible to Morty, but he’d seen Rick read so much alien nonsense that he figured he had some sort of translator like, built into his eyes or something.

“R-rick! W-w-what the hell, we, we can’t do that! N-n-nature preserves, they, they preserve nature, Rick! W-we might seriously screw things up!” Morty yelped, tugging at Rick’s sleeve.

“Sh-shut up, Morty,” Rick hissed, elbowing his grandson in the ribs as the mounted the stairs to what he presumed was the train station. “This stuff lit-literal-, it makes areas uninhabitable, Morty, i-it makes your biology unstable if you’re exposed to the unprocessed version. A-any animals near it b-basically get cancer, a-a-and any babies they have are born horribly mutated, Morty, we, we’re pretty much doing them a favor.” Rick passed an alien currency over the counter and retrieved two blue stickers, one of which he slapped onto Morty’s chest.

“O-oh jeez, Rick, are you sure?” Morty was apprehensive; this wouldn’t be the first time Rick had lied to make him go along with things.

“O-of course I am, when am I ever wrong?” Rick rolled his eyes.

“Lots of times, Rick! Y-you make mistakes, just-just like everyone else,” Morty retorted.

Rick just glared and proceeded to stride onto a large blue train, forcing Morty to either follow or be left behind. He followed.

When comparing the trains’ speed, ‘bullet’ was an understatement. Morty couldn’t look out the window for more than a few seconds before he became dizzy, the landscape flying by too fast to pick up any real details, only a blur of purples, blues, and oranges. Eventually he gave up trying to pick anything up, and turned his attention to the other train riders. Usually, the aliens he saw most often on a planet were the natives, and so far the planet was abundant with tall, centaur-esque creatures, their skin a golden brown and dusted with deep, sunset orange freckles. The upper torso supported a head resembling a giraffes, with two large black eyes and four curved horns sprouting from where the eyebrows would be. The ��taur half had six spindly legs, jointed like a horses would be but evoking a more spider-y feeling. They wore long skirts, buttoned at the upper torso’s waist and laying across the back to drape around the rump and six limbs. Morty was fairly fascinated with alien life, and while he’d seen some much more bizzare and alarming creatures, this planet’s inhabitants were just as interesting, and their sunset colors struck a chord of beauty. When he had first started his adventures with Rick, they would’ve felt like monsters to him, but over the years he had ditched the ‘planetary mindset,’ as Rick put it, and was learning to appreciate all the variety in the endless multiverse presented to him.

After a moment he glanced away from the alien across from him; he didn’t know if they considered staring rude, but he didn’t want to risk it. Their pointed, spider-toe feet would probably slice open his flesh like a fillet knife if he upset them.

The train shuddered to a stop, and despite the obvious attempt at gradual braking, the riders almost all lurched forward. Morty had to scramble for purchase, and Rick, who had a firm hold on the railing overhead, grabbed him by the back of his shirt collar to stop him tumbling forward.

They exited at another station, this one surrounded by wilderness rather than city. Based on the nature-y vibes, one could assume this was the welcome center for the reserve, or park...whatever it was. Rick bypassed the gift shop and waltzed straight out the door, over the parking lot, and into the woods.

Morty scampered after him, chewing his lip nervously. They had forgone any pathways, instead descending directly into the mire. That was the closest thing he could approximate the ground here to; a mire. It was soft and spongy underfoot, sinking a good half-inch with each step and filling their footprints with greenish liquid. The reddish purple earth was host to a strange plant, one that grew like a net over the ground, thin orange vines interwoven loosely enough to show the soil beneath. The closest approximation to trees were huge pires of dirt, seemingly trained upward by a dark blue ropey plant, which grew around the pillars in a spiral and blossomed into long dangling ‘branches’ at the top with translucent ballon-esque flowers. Deeper in, creamy tan ‘ferns’ began to shoot up in spaces between the suffocating orange vines, soon joined by tall blue flowering plants. The further they went the more variety there was, until it was a dense jungle all around.

“S-so, uh, wh-what are we looking for here, Rick?” Morty stammered, trailing his fingers over a silky flower petal.

“D-don’t w-UURP-orry about it, Morty, we, we’re almost there, thi-is device,” he holds up a remote-sized device with a simple screen, “I-is leading us right to it.”

“O-oh, okay, th-that’s really cool, Rick,” Morty replied, jogging a bit to catch up. His shoes kept getting sucked into the earth, and his shorter strides caused him to fall behind. Rick mumbled something incoherent and took a swig from his flask.

Time passed, the jungle grew denser, and Morty sweatier. What had started as a leisurely walk was now a multi-mile hike that he was ill prepared for. The mire was becoming steep, craggy hills, and he could barely keep up. How Rick, his sixty year old grandpa, could do this so effortlessly was beyond him.

“Aw hell yes,” Rick stopped suddenly, and Morty stumbled over himself trying not to knock into his grandfather. “C-come on Morty quit fooling around, we, we’re here, we gotta drill down right here.”

“R-rick, shouldn’t we be wearing, like, hazmat suits or something? Y-you, you said this stuff b-basically gives you cancer!”

Rick rolled his eyes and rummaged through the seemingly endless pockets of his lab coat. “M-morty trust me, you, you’ve probably already got cancer, it’s fine. But!” He cut Morty off before he could panic. “I-Im already going to be messing with y-your genes, I can just repair any damage, easy.”

“O-oh, jeez, okay Rick, i-if you say so,” Morty stammered. Now he could be glad that the hike was over, and he quickly sat down on the rock to catch his breath.

Rick shoved his detection device into a pocket, and produced a small, black bullet, which he placed on the ground point-down. The black casing clicked open, revealing a sturdy metal interior, and a nozzle on the top. Rick attached a small hose, pressed a button, and it quickly whirred down into the earth, spitting up multicolored dirt in its wake.

After a moment, a black, murky liquid began to flow up the hose and into a canister Rick placed on the ground. “All that’s left to do now, Morty, i-is wait, a-and then we, we can do am-URP-amazing things with this stuff.” Rick grinned, reclining on the rock beside Morty.

It was rare for things to be so low-key; Rick was relaxed, like this couldn’t possibly go wrong, and that put Morty on edge. But then Rick’s hand found his, fingers intertwined. He looked up and Rick smiled, a rare, affectionate expression as he looked at Morty.  Morty blushed and smiled back shyly.

The old scientist kissed his forehead quickly, and then reclined again, gazing up at the alien sky while his companion blushed furiously beside him and the machine whirred away in the background. Morty bit his lip and grinned, tipping his head back to watch the sky with him.

___

Fuck. I’m crying again, I have to stop. I’ll try again tomorrow, I guess. I’m sorry Rick.

[drunkenonmysofa]

BASS & BUBBLEGUM [POPSTAR!Y/N AU] - PART FOUR

++mobile masterlist +b&b masterpost

parts; (one) (two) (three) (four) (five) (six

summary: you’re a world-famous pop star which everyone learned to either love or hate. when a video of you making out with 5 seconds of summer’s bassist leaks, your management decides to make it seem like you’re dating calum.

word count: 3,594

warnings: none that i know of

author’s note: i like this series so far!!! but tbh this part felt so rushed im creasing at my badd grammar but anyways i feel like i made y/n into an asshole lol uhhhhh enjoy??!!?? (i still dont know how to end these things)

A good night’s sleep is what usually prevented you from short temper. When your management told you that you could have a five-month break from touring to write your songs for the next album, you were ecstatic. Especially since this meant you could sleep as long as you want on most days of the week.

Despite nothing interesting happening in your life, you found yourself always inspired so that you could write songs for your album. Even though in the long run, your producer would dub it as too vulnerable for your pop insignia, the sugar-coated version of the phrase, ‘it’s absolute shit’. This never stopped you from writing your own material, though. It was discouraging at times, but you had to admit that it was fun recording pre-written songs that you came to like.

The whole writing process involved famous song writers that wrote solely pop music. Sometimes, if Lancelot was feeling generous, he’d let you write with them. Most of the time, the writers were incredibly thankful for your ability to create songs that made their jobs easier for them. The fact of the matter is, the lyrics were either too political or ‘edgy’ for a popstar to sing, and the song ends up getting trashed.

Occurrences like those make you want to either cry or walk out of the studio in anger, but you had to stomach it in since you’ve already signed the contract that held you in the management for another two years. Maybe then you’d make the music you’ve always wanted to make.

After the fight with Calum, he didn’t make an effort explain why he said those nasty things, more so on what he was ‘bitter’ about, but you weren’t really surprised. What’s surprising you is that Nina called you to go to the studio with 5 Seconds of Summer to co-write and record one of the songs that’s going to be their next single. Apparently, you were going to be singing with them, too.

“I don’t think I can.” Call it childish, but you try to make yourself sound sick anyways, coughing right after you finish your sentence. You couldn’t look at Calum, not after everything that’s happened a few days ago. “I’m sick.”

“No you’re not.” Nina sighed through the phone, immediately calling your bluff. “That’s not how you sound like when you’re sick.”

You groaned. “Let me rephrase, I don’t want to. I’m sick of Calum.”

“Well, you can ignore him. You can talk to the other boys, I’m sure they’re nice.” Nina said, trying to convince you to go. “It’ll be good PR. Your fans would love the new song. You can come by the studio after lunch.”

“I’m releasing an album in five months. They can wait.”

You could sense Nina’s annoyance radiating from the phone pressed against your ear. “You can write whatever you want for the song. Just see if the band likes it.” She said, her tone deflated and defeated.

Relatively, you rolled your eyes at it, but you can’t help but feel a little pity. “Fine, just this once.” And besides, writing was one of the favorite things you did, so why not give it a try?

Even though you still didn’t want to be in the same room as Calum Hood, you were happy to meet his band mates. Ignoring the thought that they might be just like Calum, you enter the recording studio of the band with a smile on your face and a cup of warm coffee in your hand. The excitement of writing with other people and other producers always overcame your pessimist thinking, making Calum the last thing in your head right now.

As you walked to the door of the studio, you could hear the laughing of guys on the other side. You could almost see them through the fogged glass doors. Nevertheless, you knocked so at least they would know that you’re about to enter. As you opened the door, the band’s laughing quieted down, noticing your arrival.

“Y/N Y/L/N!” The one with curly, light brown hair, Ashton, said before standing up from the couch and shaking your hand. He smiled with the smile that you always saw in his pictures. “It’s nice to see you! We really love your music.”

You blushed, smiling at his compliment. “Thank you, really. I love your band’s music too.”

Looking around the rather spacious studio, you noticed that you’re not the only girl here. There’s another three that you don’t quite know, but you smile at them anyways and they return their gorgeous smiles to you. As Michael and Luke introduced themselves and joined you and Ashton’s conversation, you notice that Calum isn’t here.

Michael must’ve noticed you looking around the room in search of a certain Maori. “Calum went out to get some food, by the way.”

You nodded in acknowledgement, sitting on the wide sofa and the other boys followed suit.. “Shall we start?”

“Calum usually needs to be here since he’s the main writer of the band.” Luke said, looking up from his phone briefly before returning his gaze back to the device.

“Yeah, we kinda need to wait for him, if that’s okay with you?” Ashton asked. It baffles you how nice they were compared to Calum. If he spent most of his time with them then why wouldn’t he inherit their kindness? But you don’t think much of it. Instead, you nodded at Ashton’s question, reassuring him that it’s no problem.

“And you haven’t met the other girls yet!” Michael said, overly enthusiastic about the fact that you’re here. He gently tugs at your wrists to make you stand up from the couch and walks you over to the other end of the room where the three girls are. “This is Bryana, Ashton’s girlfriend,” He lets go of your wrist to point at the girl you thought was gorgeous enough to be a model. You smiled at her as she stood up and wrapped her arms around you.

“Hey! You’re so much prettier in person!” Bryana said, her arms hugging you firmly before letting you go and sitting back down with a bright smile on her face.

“Thank you so much.” You blushed at her compliment. “You’re a lot mire prettier than me, though.”

Before Bryana could reply, the girl beside her with colorful hair stood up and briefly hugged you, too. “Hi! My name is Arzaylea.” She shook your hand with a soft smile on her face. “That lanky blonde is my boyfriend.” She said before pointing to Luke, who was still stuck to his phone. “And Bryana is so right, you’re so pretty.” Arzaylea complimented, sitting back down next to the other girls.

You couldn’t help but blush at her compliment. Michael walked over to the last girl, giving her a peck on the cheek before introducing her. “This is Crystal, the absolute love of my life.” He said, smiling at her.

Crystal playfully pinched his cheeks before standing up and shaking your hand, a lot more laid back than the other girls. “I’m Crystal, nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you girls, too.” You said, addressing the three of them as you shook her hand.

After a few minutes of small talk, you decide to go back to where the other boys were, striking up a conversation on how they want the song to sound like. You knew they relied heavily on lyrics and instruments rather than electronic music, you honestly envied them, but since you were writing a song with them, you figured you were going to know the basics.

“Do you play guitar?” Michael asked, taking an acoustic guitar that was on a wall stand and handing it out to you.

“Yeah, I’m a bit rusty, though.” You shyly replied, taking the guitar by the neck and resting it on your lap.

“We usually start with a tune and build from there.” Michael said, sitting down next to you. “But we need a theme first.”

“A theme?” You question, wanting them to explain further.

“Yeah! Like, a city or unrequited love. Y'know, the works.” Luke speaks up and puts down his phone. “Maybe we can try a breakup this time.” Michael and Ashton agree and asked for your input. You replied with an ‘I think I can do that’ before they’re reminded that Calum needed to be here and they reserve the songwriting for a few more minutes.

You smile, fiddling with the guitar and trying out a few chords before the boys talk about how amazing their upcoming album is going to be. “How many songs have you written so far?”

“Twelve.” You hear Calum’s voice say as he’s walking into the room, tossing everyone, including the three girls who are engaged in a conversation about a TV show, a burrito from what looked like Chipotle. You hear a chorus of thank you’s from around the room before he’s facing you and handing out a burrito in front of you. “You want some?”

You face contorted in confusion before giving him an answer. “Yeah… thanks.” Hesitantly taking the burrito out of his hands, you can’t help but shoot him a look of confusion before awkwardly averting your gaze. You don’t catch his reaction and suddenly, you feel your excitement for the writing drop in the sight of him. “Uh… can we start?” You quietly asked Ashton as he’s about to bite into his meal.

“You’re not gonna eat?” He replied to you with a question, biting into his burrito anyways and gesturing you to take a bite.

No, I’ve quite lost my appetite. “Maybe later.” You said, feeling Calum’s gaze on you as you try and shrug it off by playing a few chords on the guitar on your lap. Ignorance seemed to be bliss as you tried to not be bothered by his presence.

“I’ll help you get started.” Your head perked up to Calum, who was seated on the sofa chair a few feet from you. His face held a soft smile, one that you’ve never seen in person before, and this made you quite speechless. A few seconds of awkward silence between you passed before Calum sat next to you, everyone oblivious to what was happening as they were too engaged in their own conversations.

You, however, wanted to run out of the room as soon as Calum had the balls to sit next to you after everything that’s happened. But you try to bury the thought at the back of your head, thinking about how good for business this is and it was nothing personal.

Sighing, you turned around and faced him, the acoustic guitar still in your hands and a half-hearted smile on your face. “Okay.”

There you are again with that word, Calum thought. He didn’t know what was going on with you, but he’d already apologized. What else did you want? Still, he took the notebook off the desk and started flipping through the notes. After finding the right page, he held out the black notebook to you rather hesitantly, feeling a little insecure on sharing his writings to people other than his best mates. Especially you. “It’s… still unfinished and the chord progressions are all wrong. All I’ve got so far is the first verse. I don’t even have a title yet.”

You took the black notebook from him, reading the lyrics in his messy but fathomable handwriting. Your stoic face slowly turned into a small smile as you read his lyrics. “You wrote this?” You glance at Calum before returning your gaze back to the notebook. “This is amazing.”

Calum gives you a tight-lipped smile. “Thanks.” He said before asking you if you could add a few more lyrics.

“I think so,” You said, resting the guitar on the coffee table. “Do you have a pen?”

Calum nodded slightly before giving you the pen he retrieved from the pocket of his black ripped jeans.

This time, you don’t hesitate to take the pen from him, jotting down a few lyrics in a hurry as you noticed Calum struggling to look at what you’re writing. In the heat of the moment, you scoot closer to him, almost immediately feeling the warmness of his sweater-clad body. What you didn’t notice, is that Calum tensed up as you made contact with his physical body since the last time you saw each other. “So you’ll see the notes better.”

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop staring at you. How some of your hair fell on your face when you eyed the notebook in concentration, the way you would poke out your tongue at the corners of your mouth, and at how pretty you looked in the studio’s dim lighting.

It wasn’t until both of you were half-blinded by a flash that Calum broke his gaze off you.

“Mate, what the fuck?” Calum said, irritated at the pale, blonde boy sitting on the couch across him. “Did you just take a picture?” He inquired before shooting Michael a look as he laughed along with Ashton.

“Some PR stunt,” Michael nudged Ashton, making him laugh once more. “Adam’s gonna love this.” Michael said before posting the picture of you two on Instagram.

On the other hand, you were practically oblivious as to what was happening. While the three boys, Luke, Michael and Ashton, chuckled as they looked at Michael’s phone, Calum was shooting glares at the boys. This eventually bought you back to reality, realizing that you were so close to Calum that if he turned to face you, he would be inches from kissing you like he did in the video that started it all.

So you jolted up, immediately feeling heat rush to your cheeks as you put down the pen and notebook on the coffee table in a hurry. “I’m going for a walk.” Grabbing the coat off the rack, you quickly exited the studio, leaving the remaining people in the studio speechless.

“I’ll talk to her.” Calum said aloud before following after you.

You chose to keep walking away from the building, lucky enough to have no fans outside the studio. You chose to keep walking away even though you heard fast footsteps behind you. You especially chose to keep walking away when the person called your name in attempt of getting your attention.

“Y/N, please. Just come back to the studio.”

The tone of his voice makes you walk even faster, the urge to just avoid him growing stronger. It wasn’t until he was walking next to you that you stopped. “What are you doing?”

“Walking with you.” Calum didn’t stop walking until he noticed you halt, turning back slightly to meet your cautious eyes. “Are you coming?” The Maori held his hand out, his brown skin looking a little bit more golden in the presence of sunlight. You’re stuck wracking your mind on whether you should take his hand or not, still somewhat awkward with the thought of talking to him after everything that’s happened in the car.

It’s got you thinking that maybe you were overreacting, that it was just plain teasing and that you should accept his apology. But could you? You didn’t know Calum very well in the first place. For him to act like a total asshole to you on the first ‘date’ surely changed your opinion of him. You didn’t know if he’d try that shit again or not in the future.

Instead of taking his hand, you ask him one question that’s been in your head for a long time. “What happened at Josh’s party?”

“I’ll tell you if you’ll walk with me.”

The smile on his face reassures you that he’s telling the truth, so you take a chance. But you don’t take his hand, proceeding to walk next to him instead. Still, the smile remains on his face because he got you to agree, his hand falling to his side as he started slowly walking on the sidewalk. Luckily, the studio was located somewhere in the suburban part of L.A., making it easier for the both of you to talk without fans interrupting.

“So?” You looked up from your gaze on the asphalt ground to meet his brown eyes. “You gonna tell me or what?”

Calum tore the eye contact between the two of you, making an expression that you considered as disgruntlement. “I don’t know if you’ll freak out like you did last time.”

“If you don’t insult me then I might not.” You said with a slight twinge of sarcasm lacing your voice.

“We were both high when we went up to Josh’s room.” Calum started, making you somewhat nervous based on the tone of his voice. “It looked like you were already tipsy before I even introduced myself. We went to the couches and smoked some weed. Then we went upstairs because you said you wanted to sleep.”

You huffed. “The video. We were making out. How did that happen?”

“You really don’t know what happened?” Calum raised his eyebrow at your inquisition. “You pulled me upstairs and started kissing me.”

“That doesn’t sound like me.”

Calum squinted at the light of the sun that was shining in his face. At this point, he didn’t know if he was getting annoyed at the sun or at you for not recalling a single thing that occurred that night. “Yeah. I didn’t know the door was unlocked. That’s why the video leaked.”

“And what happened after?”

The question hangs around the air for a few seconds before Calum hesitantly answering. “You passed out while we were still making out. Then I left. Nothing happened between us, don’t worry.”

His hesitance and delayed answer made you wonder if he was telling the truth or keeping something from you. “Is that all?”

Then he smiled and nodded slightly, figuring that you could find out more in the right time. Both of you had to go back to the studio anyways. “That’s all.” He said, intentionally keeping the memory of you drunkenly telling him that you thought the songs he wrote was, quote on quote, something that no one can take seriously along with other words that threw daggers in his chest. But still, it was just words. He needed to get over it anyways. Right?

After Calum told you that the both of you should get back to the studio, you agreed. In the midst of walking, a title for the song that you’ve been writing with him popped up in your head. “I know what the title of the song should be.” You told Calum, glancing at him for a mere second. “Broken Pieces seems to be a good one.”

[bearingwater]

April Forecast for Aquarius

Get out and circulate! The Sun is in Aries and your third house of communication until April 19, sparking up your social life. Local action could heat up, so head out and explore the happenings in your ‘hood. You might need to make a conscious effort NOT to overbook, since your calendar will fill quickly and you could exhaust yourself with too much running around. Still, this is a vibrant time to network and mingle, as you’ll easily draw kindred spirits into your orbit.

Fun as flitting about may be, April has its…complications. Five (yes, five) planets will be retrograde (www.astrostyle.com/learn-astrology/retrogrades) this April, a challenging cycle that IS ideal for inspecting and revamping. As the month begins, Venus and Jupiter are already retrograde, to be joined by Saturn, Mercury and Pluto. Retrogrades occur when the Earth and another planet pass each other in their journeys around the Sun, creating the illusion that one of them is moving backward. Since retrogrades govern the past, unfinished business often comes up to be handled, and people we haven’t seen in awhile (if not years) can resurface.

Harmonizer Venus has been retrograde since March 4 in Aries, which may have created a few social speed bumps or lover’s quarrels. It might be a relief that Venus is leaving Aries on April 2, backing into Pisces for the duration of its retrograde, which ends on April 15. Since Pisces rules your second house of work, money and security, there could be conflict with colleagues and clients, or ripples of discord at the office. Your self-confidence might take a small nosedive, so do things to affirm your worth, like treating yourself exquisitely.

We’re not saying a spa pedicure and hot-stone massage are the long-term antidote to insecurities, but pampering yourself can help lift you out of a self-flagellating slump. Just make sure any retail therapy you indulge in has a generous return policy, as aesthetic Venus’ backspin can lead to some major style missteps. Hold off on big-ticket furniture items or pricey wardrobe pieces. Instead, how about doing a closet edit and donating home decor items that no longer suit your tastes? When Venus turns direct on April 15, you can shop to your heart’s content.

Some grander plans might have sputtered a bit, thanks to expansive Jupiter’s retrograde in Libra and your visionary ninth house from February 6 to June 9. The ninth house rules publishing, travel, study and entrepreneurship—big themes for Aquarians ever since Jupiter entered Libra on September 9, 2016. But have things gotten too big too soon? Use this cycle to pause and catch up, making sure you’re not biting off more than you can realistically chew. You might enroll in a short summer extension course to build your skills (like the finer points of social media or Javascript, perhaps) or take a trip back to an old favorite place for inspiration. When Jupiter zooms ahead in June, you’ll have the spotted planet in this lucky zone until October 10, the perfect time for a really ambitious launch.

The one exception to this arrives on April 11, at the year’s only Libra full moon. This could bring an exciting opportunity to put your boldest message in the spotlight. Have you been holding back the truth? The moon will form a tense square to potent Pluto in your twelfth house of hidden information. An unexpected and intense conversation could erupt, and while the atmosphere may get heated, at least you’ll clear the air. Just don’t whip out a laundry list of everything this person did wrong in the past six months. Take some responsibility: If you didn’t tell them you were upset, how could they have known?

As if that weren’t enough to navigate, April brings three new retrograde cycles, starting with structured Saturn. From April 5 to August 25, the tough taskmaster will backspin through Sagittarius, impacting your eleventh house of teamwork and technology. Plans could get mired in red tape and bureaucracy. A collaboration could slow down, or team members might not see eye to eye. Is there a weak link in the chain? With stern Saturn here, you may need to do the hard work of asking someone to leave or of distancing yourself from a draining friend. If too much has fallen on your shoulders, you might step down from leadership and let others pull their weight. Planning an online launch or digital debut? Saturn’s U-turn pushes you to ensure your product is airtight before springing it on the public. Test everything behind the scenes. When your YouTube channel goes viral, you’ll be glad you took the extra time to craft the plan or hire that pro editor.

Speaking of all things digital, from April 9 to May 3, communicator Mercury goes retrograde (www.astrostyle.com/mercury-retrograde), disrupting technology, communication and travel for almost a month. This cycle happens three or four times a year, and it’s notorious for confounding interpersonal matters. Practice radical patience and back up your data and devices stat, before Mercury swoops down and erases your Great American Novel. If possible, delay signing contracts, or at least scrutinize the fine print before you do.

Mercury will be retrograde in Taurus and your domestic fourth house until April 20, which could stir up discord at Chateau Water Bearer. Hold off on any big plans to renovate or oust a roommate (unless you have due cause). Put together a Pinterest mood board of inspired interior design and try to hash things out with the people under your roof. And by all means, declutter your nest, especially if you’ve accumulated too much over the winter. Retrogrades are favorable times for reunions. Reconnect with relatives or important women, since the fourth house rules the ladies in your life. From April 20 to May 3, Mercury backs into Aries and your communication zone, a time to really watch what you say, email and post. All things verbal or written can (and likely will) be misconstrued.

With all this drama is going on in the stars, why not do a deep dive into your own psyche and emotions? If you can’t beat the cosmos, you might as well join ’em! As within, so without—and maybe if you get right inside yourself, your outer world will stabilize accordingly. Transformational Pluto, ruler of the unconscious, goes retrograde in your twelfth house of healing, closure and hidden information from April 20 to September 28. This could be a powerful time to reconnect with your intuition or do some forgiveness work. (Here are a few spiritual tips http://bodhispiritualcenter.org/5-techniques-to-work-on-forgiveness/). You might need to grieve a loss or deal with a mind-body health issue. Explore the link between emotions and wellbeing, since “mysterious” chronic symptoms often signal a deeper issue you haven’t wanted to confront. Pluto retrograde will snap you out of denial, but ultimately, that’s a good thing.

With shadowy Pluto backing through this mystical zone, you might be grieving a loss or having psychic dreams. You could receive healing messages from a departed loved one while you sleep or get undeniable “signs” that guides from the other side are assisting you. Meditation, listening to music, dance—these are just a few ways you can get out of your head and tune in to powerful leads from the universe.

Whew! So much going on, Aquarius. Feel free to hunker down at home and escape from April 19 on, when the Sun makes its annual sojourn through Taurus and your domestic fourth house. The April 26 Taurus new moon could bring exciting news for your personal life: a move, a pregnancy or an opportunity for some nurturing self-care. New moons unfold over a span of six months, so set intentions for your personal life. Where and how would you like to live? Start researching new cities or neighborhoods for a perfect fit. Is there a family relationship that needs healing? Extend the first twig of that olive branch. Someone has to make the first move, and it might as well be you.

Love & Romance

Romance on the rocks? The first couple weeks of this month could be choppy while love planet Venus is retrograde from March 4 to April 15. Venus makes this tricky backspin every 18 months for about six weeks, and it's a good time to reevaluate relationship dynamics and try to iron out any differences. In some cases, couples may go their separate ways; in others, since retrogrades can bring back the past, old lovers might reappear on the scene.

From April 2 to 28, Venus is in Pisces and your second house of security. There could be discord over money: Is one of you footing an unfair share of the dinner tabs or bills? Since the second house also rules self-esteem, you might discover a need to shore yours up before hitting the dating scene again. Take a time-out from Tinder if it’s been chipping away at your self-worth or making you jaded about love. This Aquarius woman’s story of why she took a break from dating apps (http://www.rannysays.com/blog/2016/1/19/why-im-taking-a-break-from-tinder) could give you food for thought. If you’re getting over a breakup, get a shot of meme-fueled confidence from the Brokenhearted Babe Instagram account (https://www.instagram.com/brokenheartedbabe/), also curated by an Aquarius.

But don’t plan on wallowing for too long! From April 21 to June 4, lusty Mars marches into Gemini and your fiery fifth house, pumping up the passion. Spring fever cometh! You’ll be turning heads and attracting admirers without even trying. Mars only visits this part of your chart every couple years, so take advantage. Reach for bolder statement pieces and brighter colors when you go out. With the red planet here, there’s no such thing as “too much.” For couples, your mojo gets a spicy spring awakening. Single Aquarians might decide to lift your temporary Tinder ban. But honestly, your infectious joie de vivre is likely to magnetize some passionate prospects in real-time. Why swipe when you can meet on the dance floor or exchange a laugh while you wait for your brunch tables?

Opportunity Days

April 6: Mars-Pluto Trine Whoa! Who knew you felt that strongly about something? Probably not even you. Today, something could trigger you, bringing up powerful emotions that can actually be healing when they see the light of day. For couples, this karmic day might spark a gesture that brings you closer, like meeting each other’s relatives or exchanging keys, or possibly news of a pregnancy. This is a powerful moment for healing, forgiveness and breaking an old family behavior pattern. Single? You may have a soulmate encounter or romantic deja vu. Have you known each other in another lifetime?

April 26: Taurus New Moon A new emotional chapter opens as the new moon awakens a nurturing and sensitive part of you. Family and home are also in the lunar spotlight. A move, pregnancy or lifestyle change could unfold in the coming six months.

Challenge Days

April 20-September 28: Pluto Retrograde Get ready to go into those shadowy places and explore your hidden blind spots. Plumb-the-depths Pluto plunges into reverse motion, putting you intensely in touch with powerful, possibly painful feelings. Consider taking a healing retreat to work through core wounds. If you’ve skipped over the healing process, you may need to go back and deal with it now. You might be especially driven to explore the hidden meanings and mysteries of everything due to Pluto's presence in this spiritual zone. This is also a good time for intensive therapy, especially if you're healing from a childhood trauma. Art, music, dance and any right-brain activity can be especially transporting.

Money & Career

Spread the word, Aquarius! With the Sun in Aries and your communication house until April 19, this is an excellent time for networking, pitching and putting a creative message out there. Don’t hide your smarts, either, as this intellectual cycle is perfect for putting your quirky “geek chic” on full display. We love everything about your fellow Aquarius (and proud bookworm) Emma Roberts’ new website, Belletrist (https://belletrist.com), an online book club that features interviews with authors she loves. Gather kindred spirits through social media and IRL meetups, and see what you can stir up together.

Working from home could be productive this month, as motivated Mars steams through Taurus and your domestic fourth house until April 21. Convert that cluttered corner or spare nook into a productive space. Women figure into your ambitious aims. A powerful and well-connected female could open doors or make an auspicious intro. If you’re thinking of starting a cottage industry, devote some energy to that.

Opportunity Days

April 5-August 25: Saturn Retrograde Press pause or take a sober step back from a group- or tech-related project. You could face a few obstacles to building your dream team or implementing technology.

April 7: Sun-Jupiter Opposition Know-it-all alert! People (yourself included) could be blowing a lot of hot air under this ego-driven cosmic aspect. Don’t believe the hype. While it all sounds exciting and promising, very little of what’s being said can actually be backed up with action or solid evidence. Be careful about getting roped into pointless arguments, both in person and on social media.

April 9: Sun-Pluto Square Read between the lines. Someone may be saying one thing, but their body language and non-verbal cues are telling a very different story. Not every friendly person is a friend. Some are wolves in sheep’s clothing. Don’t be their sacrificial lamb today—keep your wits about you and be careful what you divulge.

April 11: Libra Full Moon It’s a great day to launch a creative idea or to take a bold risk. Express your “out-there” ideas: You might discover that others are eager to get on-board. Travel, publishing, study and public speaking are all on the agenda at this full moon. Just be careful who you bring into this endeavor, as a square from calculating Pluto indicates that a shady person may be hovering on the periphery.

April 14: Sun-Uranus Meetup No filters? The courageous Sun and radical Uranus make it impossible to bite your tongue. But choose your audience wisely. Not everyone is able to digest it all in one bite. While you shouldn’t sugarcoat the truth, you don’t want to turn people off by coming across as volatile or unhinged.

April 17: Sun-Saturn Trine Choose your words carefully, and you could win the attention and support of some well-connected people. If you’re trying to get an initiative or project approved, band together. There’s power in numbers, so show the decision makers that your ideas have clout. Even better? Don’t wait for them to give you “permission.” Form a coalition and make change together.

Challenge Days

April 9-May 3: Mercury Retrograde Uh-oh! Mercury, the ruler of technology, travel and interpersonal affairs, begins its dicey three-week backspin, which could foil efforts in all of these areas. Back up your data to the cloud, explain yourself clearly, and triple-check all plans and reservations. If you’ve been waiting for a green light, you may have to sit on your hands a little longer, but be patient! This is not a favorable time to seal any deals anyway.

Love Days: 28, 5 Money Days: 12, 22 Luck Days: 11, 19 Off Days: 30, 8, 17

[arkiven]

Recension av Frost av Thomas Bernhard

Erlenbruch im Winter by Albert Renger-Patzsch, 1947

Reading Frost feels a lot like being stuck. Like being pinned between walls, or stuck in a mountain crevice. It’s not just the imagery forced upon the reader by Bernhard, but the very text in itself. The rhythm is steady, it gives you no safe, steady ground to rest, no opportunity to breathe a bit easier. Wherever you turn, you’re met by these sentences, unrelenting, methodic, as if hewn from rock. Words accumulate on top of each other, become new ones that when repeated line up like thick walls. Mirrored in this is the town of Weng, trapped in a hollow among the mountains, oppressive. Trapped there with us is the painter Strauch, as well as our unnamed narrator, a medical intern working for the painter’s estranged brother. The Intern has been sent to Weng on a secret mission, to assess and report back on Strauch’s health to the worried, but emotionally distant brother. And Strauch proves to be a piece of work; the world he inhabits is a self-centered one where all roads lead back to himself. He is, of course, absolutely insufferable. He craves the pure, the good and untouched, but instead consciously presses on into suffering, and so manages to be self-indulgent through denying himself any indulgences. If there’s anything Strauch gets excited about, it’s his perception of himself as a bitter, eccentric man, suffering his way through life. ’I’m quite reconciled to the fact that everything about me is diseased. In the grip of illness’, he says, and I’m pretty sure that he’s not just reconciled, he’s savoring the thought of it, wallows in it. This notion of his own misery has rooted itself so deeply in Strauch that it has pushed him far beyond reality. 

Mazinaw Lake by A.Y. Jackson, 1924 

Bernhard’s way of shaping dialogues is new to me. The only way for us to reach Strauch is through the Intern. When narrating, the Intern sometimes gives us the painter’s words in quotes, sometimes he retells them, and it gets hard to distinguish the intern’s thoughts from what comes out of Strauch’s mouth. The impressionable narrator turns more and more into a mouthpiece for the painter’s chaotic mind, and it seems like we first and foremost get to learn a lot about Strauch. His ramblings are poetic and pleasing to read at times, and sometimes they’re genuinely interesting, but mostly they’re just that: ramblings, aimless and erratic. Strauch has only one direction in mind, that of his own inevitable end. All this turmoil teaches us a lot about him, but it does get frustrating to read, and feels a little like trudging through endless marshes. It takes up large parts of the book, and I early on made the mistake of trying to search for meaning in what he says. It’s exhausting, but this search for something real and solid in Strauch’s great mire is so tempting, and that’s the very real trap threatening to engulf the Intern. Because what does looking for substance in that which doesn’t mean anything do to the observer? And with that question, Strauch fades from his spot as our main character. His thoughts and fears occupy a large part of Frost, but it all ultimately has to be brought to us through, and colored by the hands of the Intern. He, who has barely mentioned his own life as an aside, who was only to act as a messenger, suddenly turns inwards somewhere along the line. He starts taking form. Has he ever really observed himself before? Unlike Strauch, the Intern has a family, work, even friends, but still he seems alienated, completely disconnected from his own self. He is a man who has always simply let things happen to him while passively accepting it all, but since coming to Weng he can’t sleep at night. 

Thomas Bernhard, Obernathal by Sepp Dreissinger, 1981

In the presence of the painter, the Intern’s passiveness gives way to another, less subconscious one. Strauch thinks himself into passivity, he’s stuck, frozen in place, ’dominated by himself’ as the Intern puts it. He’s disgusted by instincts and what he sees as the feral, bestial sides of life that he does not participate in. But while it’s tempting to draw the conclusion that the painter is responsible for the Intern’s newly found self, we’ve seen these things before. It’s been present in Frost from the very first page, the dislike of humanity and all that is alive and breathing. It’s been present in the Intern. Something has been resting in his chest, and it has at last gotten enough nourishment to break out. Bernhard intrigues me. There are several stretches of Frost that become tiresome to read and doesn’t feel like they contribute much, but his way of writing is amazing, and he carves out a very claustrophobic form that in my opinion carries the entire book. The fact that this is only the first one he wrote only makes me more curious to see how he would evolve over time. (I’ve switched between two different translations while reading this one; the english one by Michael Hofmann, and a Swedish one by Jan Erik Bornlid. They differed enough that I had a difficult time settling for one of them, but I eventually ended up reading the Swedish edition. This translation is very intense, the words hit harder and come across a lot more emotionally effective, but it’s also somewhat more muddled than the one by Hofmann. It’s hard determining how good a translation is without being able to read the original, but I definitely felt like reading Bornlid’s version felt closer to being trapped in a frozen mountain crevice.)

Utgåvan jag läste var översatt till svenska av Jan Erik Bornlid och släpptes 2013 av Bokförlaget Tranan. Recensionen ligger sedan 2016 ute på mitt Goodreadskonto.