#THE WORST PART IS THEY DONT. KNOW. ABOUT THE FULL EXTENT OF MY MADNESS.

[short-and-ugly]

family needs to stop joking about me writing smut zasr fic. i write smut tasr fic. theres a difference.

[kazhewbrekker]

vilify me - chapter 4

this is the longest chapter to date! and probably the last one for a little while as im settling into college and dont have as much time. fear not though! chapter 5 is in the works and im committed to finishing this monster of a multific. without further ado!

(AO3 Link) (Chapter 1) (Chapter 2) (Chapter 3)

Kenji seemed unimpressed as he walked into the hanger. I wasn’t expecting a huge reaction, but I thought he’d be at least a little bit excited over the prospect I was offering. I gave him a wink as he walked closer and patted the seat on the motorcycle I was leaned against, lovingly. It was a good thing I hadn’t run my plan past Warner, he would’ve been jealous.

“Do you know how to ride a motorcycle?” I asked innocently.

Definitely not impressed. “Never seemed like a necessary skill set.”

I shrugged. “Feel like learning?”

Kenji crossed his arms over his chest as I passed a helmet to him. He didn’t take it from me, which was to be expected. There was no chance he was going to go easy on me. I mean this was literally me trying to appeal to him enough to get him to trust me. Or maybe, just maybe, it was me trying to find something to relieve myself of the utter boredom that had befallen me since I came to Sector 45. Which, I had to remind myself, wasn’t Warner’s fault.

He was busy. I was also usually busy, that’s just how things were with us. And now, with this mission he’d put me on, I would find a new way to be busy.

“Come on, it’ll be fun.”

Kenji took the helmet begrudgingly, “Where are we going?”

“Does it matter? Let me answer that, no.”

I climbed onto the seat, settling my feet in their place on either side of the bike. Kenji hesitated again, the black helmet now smugly fastened around his head, trying to figure out where he was supposed to sit on the motorcycle with me. I grabbed his wrist, between us was the layer of his military coat and the riding gloves I had fashioned myself with, as I pulled him on behind me.

“I’m not going to kill you.”

“I didn’t say you would, Princess.” Kenji shifted uncomfortably and created a space between the two of us. I had the urge to roll my eyes. Like that would stop me. If I wanted him dead he would be by now. “How come you don’t wear a helmet?” Kenji asked.

I revved the bike. “Let’s hope you don’t find out.”

-

“Put your foot on the break,” Warner instructed. “No, hold it down.”

“Sorry,” I shot him a glare and pressed down all my weight on the car’s brake. The glare broke apart in an instance. I was too excited to be mad.

Finally, after being told over and over that he would teach me, Warner was going to show me how to drive. I’d wanted to for years, ever since he had when he was eight. Mum and Dad would never let me behind the wheel of a car, at least not until I was older no doubt, they didn’t even trust Emmaline in one yet. But I would learn how to drive first, because Anderson had left home earlier that morning and Leila wouldn’t mind if we borrowed the car. Or totalled it.

“Okay,” I said, “okay, what do I do next?”

“Shift into drive.”

I blinked down at the controls. “What am I on right now?”

“Reverse.”

I managed to shift the car into drive recalling what I’d seen in films, “You don’t have to look so nervous, we’re indestructible, remember?”

Warner sighed exasperatedly, hands tightening on the seatbelt. “Keep your eyes on the road.” I grinned and checked my mirrors, slowly pulling my foot off the brake and towards the gas. “And I wish you’d stop saying that.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because my biggest fear is that one day it’ll stop being true.”

I frowned. I took it slow, but driving on a street that no one was ever going to come down again gave me the whole road to practice. I jumped between brake and gas over and over, inching forward and trying to get the hang of it. Every once and awhile, Warner pointed something out to me, but he was as patient as he was with teaching me anything. It was easy, easier than I thought it would have been.

“I’m not going to lose my powers, Aaron.”

“No,” he agreed, “but have you considered your parents’ new project.”

I sucked in a breath and the car huffed in response. Warner didn’t looked shocked as I hit the brakes to look over at him. He looked worried. “Project Canary. Emma’s losing her mind over it.” I said.

“I know, I heard.”

I raised an eyebrow, “Don’t tell me she’s bothering you about it too.”

“When she can’t call you she calls me, I’ve told you this before.” He tucked his chin and looked down at the watch affixed to his wrist. “Emmaline is just worried about you, love.”

“Of course she is, because if they can get through me it means she’s next. I don’t blame her.”

“Ella.”

“It’s true!” I shrugged, “You know it, I know it. I reckon if Canary succeeds, then I’ll be the only one affected. Well, and you, probably.”

“Probably? You can’t be serious.”

I sighed dramatically, shifting gears and turning us around back towards the house. I knew he was staring at me, I could feel it burning under my skin. If he was offended by the truth that was his problem. Not mine.

“If something happened to you,” I wasn’t watching his face, but I heard the way his breath caught in his throat. A chill settled around me as I waited for him to continue. “I would be devastated. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yes, sure, of course.” I snipped back.

“Ella, I’m serious.”

Too much, too heavy. I nodded in an attempt to get him to drop it. Warner was my best friend, but God if he didn’t make everything out to be life-and-death. Though, technically, this situation could very well end in my untimely death. It didn’t matter. He was serious all right, far too serious. And I didn’t want to think about the immediate future, not like he did.

-

I loved motorcycles. More than cars, planes, especially boats. Nothing else could get me in contact with the same level of speed as the motorcycle could. I wondered a lot if it was anything similar to drugs, Mum and Dad would have me caged again if I experimented with anything that could mess with my brain or my body. So, death defying activities was all I had.

But I had to drive carefully, Kenji’s arms wrapped around me so tightly I had to focus on the wind whipping my hair to not break down at the feeling of being barred.

I hadn’t been lying about the helmet comment, as far as Kenji knew I was talented in hand-to-hand combat and could most likely kill someone if they just so happened to brush my skin. He had no way of knowing that a motorcycle crash was much more likely to hurt whatever I crashed into then myself. When I’d first embraced my daredevil tendencies, Warner had insisted that I wore protective garments, riding jackets and enforced padding. We hadn’t known the full extent of how much damage I could sustain. We found out though, eventually.

I came to a stop in a place where the road evened out and the buildings had grown scarce. It was strange, Southern California had always been overflowing with populace and new houses that the large expanse of nothingness was almost unnerving. I pushed those thoughts from my head and removed Kenji’s hands from my waist.

He attempted to climb down with me, but I steadied him on the bike with a smile and said, “I’m teaching you how to ride remember?”

“I never said I wanted to learn how.”

“Yes, but you also never said you didn’t.” I placed my hand on the handlebar, about to launch into a speel about what each part on the bike did, until I noticed he was staring at me strangely. “What?”

“I’m curious. What brought this on?”

“Me teaching you how to ride a motorcycle? I was bored, wanted to ride my bike, and you’re supposed to follow me everywhere I go.” I paused, sardonic in nature. “Thus, here we are.”

Kenji looked back at me as if he didn’t believe me, and I had to give him credit, he was a lot more intuitive than he had appeared at first glance. It wasn’t as if I was lying. I was currently trying to use enough of the truth that he’d have eventually just have to believe that my intentions were pure. It’s not as if I had given him any reason to believe otherwise. Beside the fact that I work for a fear mongering government that treats its citizens even worse than the ground they walk on.

I might have to rethink my plan of action.

“Okay,” I huffed. “Clutch is here, gear shift is down here, throttle, and break. You’re ready to go.”

“Wait, hold on a second, that’s the big lesson? You point at all the controls, pat me on the back and say ‘Good luck.’ You’re the worst teacher in the history of ever.”

“Jesus, that’s a little harsh.”

“Never have kids.” He said with a straight face, “You’d try to teach them how to ride a bike and then just throw them straight into oncoming traffic.”

I groaned, “Newsflash you egg, traffic isn’t as issue anymore. The 405 is dead and I’d be a great mum.”

Kenji didn’t move as he held his humorless expression. As the silence dragged and we continued to just stare at one another, something cracked. I wasn’t sure if I was the first to snort, but giggles erupted from my lips until I was crumpled on the ground holding my stomach from laughter. Kenji wasn’t much better, he had to use to the motorcycle to hold himself upright as he practically hacked up a lung.

I was wiping tears out of the corners of my eyes when Kenji finally said, “All right, that was hilarious. But I’m still not riding this death trap with a ten second long instructional period.”

“Just,” my voice was still strangled with restrained giggles, “trust me here.”

“You don’t make that easy.”

But he listened and settled on the bike like before, keeping one boot on the ground to stabilize himself. I corrected his form and I watched as his eyes darted nervously around the open field. I couldn’t say I completely understood his nerves, I’d never had to really worry about bodily harm before. With that, I had the sudden realization that this was a terrible plan, and if it failed it would really suck to have to drive home with a dead body. Or, even worse, have to walk.

“Ready?” I asked honestly.

He didn’t in the least bit look ready. At least he knew how to brake.

Kenji gave a curt nod and I stepped away from the bike, giving him room to start the engine again and prepare for take off. The motorcycle gave a growl that I felt in my chest, that made the hair on my arms stand up, and as Kenji gave me one more glance before staring at the opened, empty road before him. I gave a silent prayer to a God I don’t believe in.

The motorcycle lurched forward, shakily and slow it made its way down the street. A couple of times I worried if it was going so slow that the machine might tip over, but at every chance Kenji shifted his weight to keep it steady. It wasn’t until he turned around and came back towards me that I saw he had a genuine smile on his face.

I rolled my eyes, he was going barely more than 20 miles per hour.

“All right. It’s not a vespa.”

He hit the brakes as he neared me and the sudden stop made him ram his stomach into the center console. Kenji took a shaky breath but his voice was only a little winded, “What’s a vespa?”

“Oh my God.”

-

Our bedroom was cold. It was the middle of July and from the window I could see the moon against the cloudless sky. It was the only thing lighting the room. For once I was happy that snow hadn’t come so early this year, because if it had then I wouldn’t be able to see the moon at all. I clung tightly to my blanket knowing that it was my only protector, that would stop the dark corners of the room from getting any closer to the foot of my bed.

I had been working very hard to not let it bother me, to sleep through the night without interruptions or nightmares. If Emmaline could do it then so could I. But it seemed like the harder I pushed away the negative thoughts, the stronger they came back with a vengeance. And the more they stole my breath straight from my lungs. I knew what panic was now though, I’d felt it before. It kept rising and rising like the temperature on a thermometer. Until my head started to feel dizzy and my chest began caving in.

What was it that Warner always said? Try to breathe.

Easier said than done.

At this point I should’ve been used to any form of sensory deprivation. Nothing to see, or hear, only the cold walls of the room that remind you that you’re not dead. Or asleep. Or somewhere in the middle. Mr. Anderson would turn down the oxygen in the room if I tried to fall asleep. It would go on for hours. But it always ended, sometimes I was worried it wouldn’t.

Little bird, little bird in a gilded cage. With spikes on the bars. Little bird with no escape.

“Ella,” my sister’s voice whispered across the bedroom. “Ella, go to sleep.”

I froze. My rampant neverending thoughts must have woken her up, or at the very least kept her from falling asleep. I wasn’t quite sure what Emmaline could hear and what she couldn’t. But if I hated being in my own head, then surely my sister would despise it just as much. “Sorry, Emma.”

She sighed, rolled over. I felt my face burn with shame. “No worries, just…“ Her soft words disappeared into the cloud of dark that blanketed over her half of our bedroom. We’d been sharing a room since I was born. At least that’s what I had been told. But now the sea of carpet between the two of our beds felt wider and all the more terrifying under the gaze of the moon. I had to steel myself. I couldn’t be weak, I couldn’t whimper at the idea of closing my eyes, what would Mum say?

“Ella. Come here.”

I looked over to Emmaline’s moving sheets. I could barely make out her motions across the room. But I didn’t give it a second thought. I bundled the blankets around my body, grateful for the socks that covered my feet, and I tiptoed over the lie to Emmaline’s side of the room. Where pink met purple.

Emmaline was waiting patiently with arms outstretched. She pulled me and my blankets up onto the sheets with her, and that’s when I noticed the long sleeves pajamas and the gloves. How had she been wearing gloves to bed? Emmaline pulled my head to her shoulder and hugged me tightly. I wished I could see her expression. I wished I could read her thoughts for a change. My panic spiked once more.

“Calm down,” Emmaline yawned. “Give it a rest.”

“S-Sorry.”

It was dangerous to be this close to my sister. It was dangerous to be around anyone, ever. This was my curse. My burden. Mum called it a gift, she said it made me special. But I had to work harder, so I could be just like my sister. Mum would kill me if anything happened to Emmaline. She’d actually kill me.

“Shhh, go to sleep.”

“I-I…”

My sister’s finger combed through my hair. I closed my eyes against her pillow.

“Sleep, Ella. You can worry about things in the morning.”

She was right. I knew somewhere deep down that she was, but a part of me refused to accept it. It seemed like no matter what I did, my worries would follow me into my dreams too. I focused on Emmaline’s breath, her heartbeat, the slight brush of my hair from my forehead. It made me crave the blurry memories of climbing into bed with Mum and Dad, falling asleep in the safety they provided. Now it didn’t feel safe to be near their wing of the house, or even near them.

“I don’t want nightmares.” I whispered back to her.

Emmaline paused. If I paid close enough attention I could feel the edges of her power just on the cusp of my consciousness. If I dared to push against it all I would feel would be numb. “Okay, I’ll make you a deal.”

I blinked my eyes opened, “A deal?”

“Sure,” she pinched my shoulder. “If you try to sleep, I promise I’ll chase all the bad dreams away.”

It was far too dark in the room for me to see the look on her face. I couldn’t even tell from her tone if she was messing with me. I was a bit too old to believe that anyone could chase away my bad dreams, especially when they had been formed out of reality. But then again, Emmaline had power over the mind. Even now I could feel her rooting herself in my thoughts, sharing them with me, but blocking me from following that path back into her own head. It was a one way trip, or so she said.

If anyone could get rid of the nightmares, actually get rid of them, it would be Emmaline.

“All right.” I said.

She nodded once into the dark, “Close your eyes, then.”

I did as she asked. A moment passed, but in the moment the darkness of my eyelids didn’t feel constraining, like I was being pressed against the walls of a prison. It felt almost calm. Like a purring cat under my bare fingers, enjoying the feeling of my touch. It felt like I was back in North America, tucked into familiar sheets, pressed against the side of someone else. But only for a moment.

And then I opened my eyes and Emmaline was gone.

I sat up, wrapped in pink sheets, and stared across the room to the bed I had fallen asleep in. Purple sheets as pristine as if they had never been slept in at all. I should have figured. That kind of comfort and safety could only last a night.

-

Kenji wasn’t confident enough to drive us back, and I wasn’t entirely confident he could either. So, I drove the motorcycle to the compound, stopping myself from taking any unnecessary risks, least Kenji never go on another adventure with me again.

As much as I loathed to admit it, my plan was almost certainly backfiring. I was having fun just making friends with someone new. Socializing wasn’t exactly a skill I excelled in and the fact that Kenji almost didn’t seem nervous to get on the back of the bike with me after spending the afternoon in my company made me feel better than I had in awhile. There was a churning afterthought though, that if he wasn’t who he said he was, if Warner was right; then Kenji would die by my hand. There was no way around it.

Or so I told myself as we parked in the hanger.

I shot a scathing look at the soldier who carted off my bike, knowing they would take care of it, but trying to retain the menacing aura I had accumulated before I started letting myself go soft. Maybe Warner was right and I really should go back to training in the mornings.

It was only a second later as I turned to speak to Kenji that I felt a thrum of energy go through my body. The sensation stilled me to my core, even my lungs refused to take in oxygen as my brain scrambled for concrete meaning. I knew this feeling and I knew it well. My body restarted.

“Kishimoto,” my voice was harsh, “you are dismissed.”

“But--”

“Now, soldier.” There was a bite at the end of my words that I hadn’t ever used in conversation with him before. He registered this and, probably with some sense of betrayal, turned on his heel and marched away from the hanger. I hoped he was fast enough.

When my ability had first manifested, there were a lot of things going through my five year old head. And still it wasn’t anywhere near as complicated as Emmaline’s own mind. My sister, being a year older than me, took it upon herself to compare us in everything. Even before our powers. Shockingly, she wasn’t so far off when it came to this over everything else. Our abilities were simultaneously complete opposites and so similar that they could not be recreated in any test subjects. Though it wasn’t from lack of trying.

I could feel the energy of living things. Around me were spools of thread that tied back to every living creature, I could feel their hearts pumping, I could sense the electricity beneath their skin. By extension, Emmaline was connected to life through their minds. She had her own network that she organized and colorcoded, more orderly than my own, efficient. But our largest connector remained each other, and it was at that moment that I felt my sister’s ability wrap itself around me. As if it wanted me to know she was here, listening in to the private confines of my head. So, I did what any little sister would do.

I immediately thought back to the last time Warner’s lips were on mine, the heat of our breath as I undid the buttons of his shirt. I let my eyes close as the memories washed over me, leaving a singing fever in their wake.

Emmaline withdrew faster than a bat out of hell.

“That was rude.”

I heard her before I saw her. My eyes blinked opened tentatively as I watched my sister walked down the stairs into the hanger. Soldiers stopped, if only for a moment, to stare and wonder. Emmaline looked a lot like our mother. Her hair was two shades darker than mine and always laid flat down her back, her face was older, wiser. And she wore that red lipstick that Mum liked.

It was hard not to think of that woman when I looked at her. “What, like looking through someone’s head? Tell me, is that real rude?”

She rolled her eyes, “You’ve made your point.”

“Have I?”

When she stepped down from the last stair a smile appeared on her face, out of nowhere. And then she held her arms open towards me. I noticed the sleeves of her coat, the collar of her shirt that covered her neck, the gloves that seemed to permanently cling to her hands. This wasn’t a last minute decision, my sister had come to Sector 45 with the full intent to see me.

I tried to walk calmly towards her. I’m pretty sure I failed.

Emmaline hugged me. She squeezed my shoulders and rocked us from side to side like a dance. It wasn’t appropriate, to be so excited to see each other, if our mother was there she would have chastised us greatly. But Mummy dearest wasn’t there, and we could do whatever the hell we wanted.

“This is a surprise,” I said as we pulled away.

“I told you I’d be visiting shortly.”

“Actually, you asked if you could visit and I never got back to you.”

Emmaline huffed as if I’d greatly inconvenienced her, “Doesn’t matter. It’s not as if you’re busy, hiding out from our parents and what have you.”

“They know where I am.” My eyes narrowed on her as a mischievous smile inched its way onto her face. “Mum does know where I am, right Emma?”

“Oh, she could guess, but I’m afraid she’s preoccupied right now.”

I held my breath. No wonder I’d been left alone for almost a month. Emmaline was covering for me and with her powers no less. It was starting to get scary how easily she could deceive the people that more or less ran the world.

“And what was your excuse for flying out here?”

Emmaline glanced at me, her lips upturned in a smug expression that made her lipstick seem darker. The color of blood. “I’m allowed holidays just like you.”

There was a palpable moment of tension between us that shattered with a clap of my sister’s hands. She turned on her heel and made her way back towards the stairs. I followed, just as she had expected me to do, and I watched as her hair flew behind her like a black veil. Nothing was different about Emmaline from the last time I had seen her, but I knew my sister better than that. She wasn’t a consistent person in the least.

She had plans. Always.

“Why didn’t you introduce me to your friend?”

I met her eyes as she glanced back at me, “Didn’t think you’d be interested.”

Emmaline hummed to herself for a moment before we entered the main hallway. She let me move to take the lead as I headed for the nearest elevator. It was just around dinner time now, the sun had already begun it’s decline over the ocean. Well, it would’ve anyways, if it wasn’t for the clouds hiding it. And I was starved from messing around in God knows where for hours.

“Y’know, sis,” she spoke finally after the elevator doors closed. “You can’t exactly lie to me.”

I gritted my teeth.

“And I’m not just saying that because I can read your mind. What, can’t trust me now? Especially when you’ve decided on making friends with someone you think is working for the rebellion.”

“Hush up,” I hissed.

The elevator was still steadily moving up towards the higher floors. That left us with little time left to speak with the comfort of not being recorded. Once we were out in the open, anyone could overhear us and report back to Anderson, Kenji would be as good as dead.

“I don’t know for sure.”

Emmaline scoffed.

“I don’t. Doesn’t matter, I just don’t want you rooting around in his head while I’m trying to do my job. Because if he is with the rebels, then maybe he can lead me to that base.”

“The base Anderson’s on your ass about.”

The doors open, “That’s the one.”

We walked in silence towards the dining room. There was something strange and familiar about wandering these halls with my sister beside me. Maybe it reminded me of when we were children, I scrunched my nose. Emmaline and I hadn’t wandered the halls together when we were little. We barely interacted outside of bedtimes and Sunday breakfasts. I watched her out of the corner of my eye and found her looking back at me. Her expression was blank.

Before I even opened the door to the dining room, Emmaline groaned from beside me. I felt a tinge of a smile make its way onto my lips before I waltzed inside, emulating the grace of a person with the ball in their side of the court. If she was going to be confrontational or then I simply wouldn’t let it get to me, Emmaline could whine all we wanted but this was still Warner’s sector.

A telepath and an empath walk into a bar… I’d hate to hear the punchline.

Emmaline hesitated by the door as I swept inside to take my usual seat beside him. He barely spared a glance at my sister, before turning to me, his side of the table devoid of paperwork for the first time in weeks. I narrowed my eyes, had he heard of her arrival before I had? Most likely.

I leaned close enough to press my lips to his cheek as he whispered, “A nice surprise.” I had to stifle the laugh the built up in my throat.

As much as I liked to taunt my sister, I also found myself increasingly more demure in her presenance. My cheeks reddened and I dug my teeth into my bottom lip as I pulled away from Warner and into my own space. I caught Emmaline’s eye as she, now quiet for the first time since I’d seen her, sat down carefully beside us. I braced myself for whatever she was reading, whatever she could feel.

“Don’t stop on my account.”

My nerves blew out of my lungs in an instant. Warner brought a water glass to his mouth rather enthusiastically, he was hiding a grin. I could rest easy knowing that this dinner wasn’t going to be a normal Emma-Aaron staredown, where I was placed in the middle and forced to choose which one I would have to calm down first. Frankly, I found it unfair that they put me in such a position at all.

Emmaline and I had been rivals since the beginning on account of our abilites and the expectations that came with them. It made our relationship difficult to say the least, stressful and even distant. We rekindled what we could salvage the older we got, but it was hard to put the pressures our mother had forced down our throats away. Warner and Emmaline’s rivalry was different. And I couldn’t even be sure when it started. It almost felt like I had woken up one day to the both of them being at each other’s throats with no explanation other than, “Because I hate him, Ella.” on my sister’s lips.

I had my assumptions. But I certainly wasn’t going to tell them that.

“C’mon now,” Emmaline spoke first. “What have you two been up to, spare no details.”

“Is that why you came here? To catch up?” Warner raised an eyebrow and I felt his hand find mine underneath the table.

Emmaline amused herself my looking through the assortment of bottles on the table, in Sector 45 there never seemed to be a shortage of alcohol, before picking one that suited her tastes. “Why else would I be here?” She said as if there was a very obvious, very necessary reason for her to be here. Her eyes met his with something I could only describe as contempt, “To make sure you haven’t defiled my little sister?”

I felt more than saw Warner’s reaction to her words. It was like the walls turned ruby red, the air became almost stifling, but neither of the other occupants seemed to notice. No, Emmaline was reveling in my love’s discomfort. There was a gnawing dread in my stomach that colorfully plated breads weren’t going to fix. I squeezed Warner’s hand.

“Behave,” I said.

Emmaline shrugged, “I haven’t done anything that warrants punishment, Els. Even if punishment is your specialty.”

“For someone so gifted in speech, you’d think you would have learned when to shut up.”

“Bite me.” She laughed and buttered a roll.

The heat had dulled, but only slightly, and a dull blade was worse than a sharp one. I turned to Warner, who was still fixing my sister with a death stare. I raised his hand to my cheek. If I kept his attention on me, then hopefully they wouldn’t do something I would end up regretting.

“I rode my motorcycle today.”

“You did?” Distraction successful, he answered curiously.

“I missed it. We should do it more often, it wasn’t the same without you.” The room smelled like lilac. “It’s getting pretty cold out, as well, so if you want to go riding--”

“A metal deathtrap.”

“--We’ll have to go soon.” I gritted my teeth again and caught Emmaline’s gaze out of the corner of my eye. “You never have anything helpful to add, do you?”

Emmaline was watching our exchange, eyes shimmering with something that I couldn’t place. But Warner could. I could read his movements better than his facial expressions, as he tilted his body in front of me. The lilac that had misted the air had turned frigid, but hadn’t disappeared. Not yet anyways. Emmaline placed her chin on the palm of her hand.

“Still trying to find a way to break your neck?”

How dare she pretend to be innocent. “Why? Decided to give it a go afterall?” I answered.

There was an ebb and flow to the frequencies that surrounded the table. Emmaline, ever the bringer of chaos, was upsetting my natural balance. I knew she would, hypothetically, and I could handle it. Hypothetically. But what I couldn’t handle was my sister trying to infuriate the both of us at the same time. Though that was what she did best wasn’t it?

“Tell us why you’re really here, Emmaline.” Warner’s voice was serious.

I stiffened as my sister’s lazy smile faded. “You already know, don’t you?”

“Tell her, then.”

“Or you will. I’m familiar with the threat, thank you.” She rolled her eyes and the childish glee she’d been playing with from the moment she’d hugged me, disappeared completely. If I could feel emotions like Warner, I’d suspect any cheerfulness in my sister had blown away, almost like it never existed. “Project Canary.”

My blood froze in my veins.

“They’ve completed it?”

Emmaline appraised Warner’s question, “They believe they have.”

“And that’s all that really matters.” His fingers tightened their grip on my hand and I squeezed back with just as much force. I couldn't feel the rest of my body, I was grasping for anything, and had settled on my power. It covered me like a blanket, extended itself to Warner and wrapped him in it as well. It was protecting us, it would protect us. But not from that, not if they had succeeded.

“Don’t be dramatic,” Emmaline chasitied. “As if I would let them create something powerful enough to neutralize Ella. I’m not an idiot.” That was a pointed statement if I ever heard one.

“What were you doing in Asia?” How could Warner be so calm?

“Testing it, obviously.”

He leaned back, “And?”

Emmaline was silent for a long time. Long enough that I began to count. I hated counting, more than anything. As much as I loved mathematics and sciences, the theory of numbers and how they could organize the entire universe, I despised counting with a passion. Because once I started, it was almost impossible to stop. To pull myself out of that scared little corner of my head that I only fell into against my own will.

1, 2, 3, 4…

Warner’s pointer finger tapped on the inside of my wrist.

“I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t serious.” Emmaline continued, “I could have waited for my sister to come home to see her again, but it couldn’t wait. So, here I am.”

“Here you are.”

It was a message, it was a message and I couldn’t decipher it, but I would keep trying. For him. I focused on the feeling. The soft brushes of the pads of his fingers as they typed out a message to me and only me, heavily coded, even in his mind. Emmaline couldn’t read this, only I could. If I just--

“The Unnaturals they found in the last raid have been wiped out. Overseen by Supreme Commander Ibrahim and Mummy dearest, of course. It wasn’t a diplomatic mission, I lied, Nazeera and I watched the precessions.” Warner could no doubt see what Emmaline was recalling in her mind, “Their frequencies, their signatures, just vanished. Like they were dead.”

“But they weren’t dead, not when they disappeared.”

Emmaline nodded, “It was like a blackhole. I’ve never felt anything so… wrong.”

“I can understand that at least.” Warner went quiet again, and deep inside my mind where reality couldn’t touch me I felt all the more trapped losing that tether. I shut my eyes tightly. Without the sound of their voices, the darkness, the frequencies were consuming the edges of the room, and I could feel them sting across my skin. The hand that Warner held was the only place that cooled, like soaked in water, safe. “Love, you need to come back to us now.”

I was weak. How could I be falling apart so easily? Here the two of them were speaking calmly and I was falling apart at the dinner table. If Anderson saw me, if our mother heard--

27, 28, 29, 30…

“Thinking like that isn’t going to get you anywhere, sis.”

Warner’s free hand came up to tuck my hair behind my ear and slid down to cup the side of my face. It was like balm on a sunburn. If I could just move, then I could disappear into the circle of his arms where I would be safe, and loved, and

“Wake up, sweetheart.”

I gasped and the ticking of a clock. The numbers. The counting stopped.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered to the both of them, my eyes trained on the tablecloth. Embarrassment, shame, weakness burned in my gut.

Warner stroked my temple, his eyes never left my face but Emmaline turned away and I had to restrain my own wince. My mind was not a serene place to be in at this moment, that was for damn sure. Maybe if she learned to stay out of my head then she wouldn’t read things she couldn’t stomach.

“But that wouldn’t be very fun, would it?” She mused.

Warner pursed his lips and answered her, gaze still trained on me. “I think that’s enough for tonight. Actually, I think that’s enough entirely. You passed on your information, Emmaline, go home.”

“Gladly,” she responded, “if my sister comes with me.”

“No,”

The noise was raw and strained, I wasn’t sure where it came from until I saw my sister’s eyes turn to me. There was a mix of pity and desperation in them that made me feel all the more sick to my stomach. Maybe she believed the best way to protect me was by us staying together, but if her information had solidified anything it was that I couldn’t return home. Not anytime soon anyway.

“Emma, I can’t.”

“And why not?” Emmaline stood to her full height. She towered over the table, but I could feel her unease rolling off her frequencies in waves. It had been awhile since I had fallen apart in front of her. Probably almost a decade.

“Mum, she plans to test it on me.” To my surprise, my lips didn’t quiver. “It will work.”

“And I’ll stop her.”

I shook my head. She didn’t understand, she couldn’t understand what losing my powers even for a moment would mean for me. The vulnerability that I hadn’t felt since I was a child. How stripping me of something so intertwined with my entire being would be alike to killing me. The fact that the Reestablishment could very well kill me using such an object.

I watched the warring emotions on my sister’s face as she considered my thoughts. I wished that I could read her own and understand why she would be so insistent that I return home with her. It didn’t work. Emmaline turned away from me, and away from the table, and walked back towards the door. We hadn’t even gotten the chance to eat anything. I hadn’t noticed until now.

“Els,” Emmaline called back to me. “I’ll see you in the morning. For training, yeah?”

She paused. I bit my lip, “Of course.”

And with that she nodded and left. The door slamming behind her with more force than necessary and a weight settling in my gut that I could be sure would disappear overnight. I glanced to Warner, his eyes still heavy on my face, and I found something in them that perfectly reflected how I felt. How this whole situation felt.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face into the collar of his jacket. And I cried.

[nenastrology]

you should rate the arcs. share your wisdom with us. (or rank them by craziness /wtf moments)

ok i think rating them is easier than ranking them i can add craziness as a category alright alright

ok this ended up being nightmarishly long so im just putting it all under the cut for anyone who feels like reading giant blocks of text on my opinions on every single naruto arc

land of waves - classic very good i genuinely wish there could have been more arcs like it to show team 7 really bonding and growing together before sasuke ends up feeling alienated its got a really sweet touching story and naruto and sasukes relationship starts off already at a pretty high level of crazy like oh yeah right out of the gate they are trying to die for each other this can only get crazier from here i would have probably liked it more if id read the manga first because the anime murders the pacing of the fights here but overall i do really like it

chuunin exams - i love lots of chunks of it but it did really feel like a slog to get through parts of the forest of death and a lot of the more minor fights because kishimotos really just not very good at writing fights that he doesnt put his absolute most effort into i really love how the anime added to the part where sasuke gets the curse mark and how naruto is separated from him its really emotional and strong sakura actually feels like shes trying to become a character here i love her fight with ino and cutting off her hair legendary and im not a monster gaara vs rock lee still makes me scream the craziness of this arc is actually finally not riding on sasuke being crazy finally gaaras carrying the craziness hello blood drinking 12 year old i hope you get better soon 

konoha crush since i guess its a different arc - ok i actually really love all the weird political stuff kinda added in here the hints at some actually interesting village conflict i wish thats what the ninja war arc could have built from and orochimarus definitely the most comprehensible villain in the story and i love naruto vs gaara so much like thats really peak and tbh extremely satisfying to watch the shitty old bitch hokage kick the bucket like killing gaaras evil dad and hiruzen really was the best thing orochimarus done finally gaara has more help with craziness cuz narutos losing his mind too and sasukes getting some crazy seeds planted for later craziness harvest

search for tsunade - i feel like i really like this arc but when i actually read it im like hmm theres all these parts i dont like but i really love all the character stuff itachis introduction is iconic and i really do love tsunade and her fighting orochimaru was like highlight of everything its weird i dont have a lot to say but i do actually like this arc a lot in a way im like not sure why craziness is kinda low except for sasuke whos absolutely losing his entire mind which stresses me out so much and this is where i start getting extremely sad about sasuke

sasuke recovery mission - 80% of it is the absolute worst part of part 1 and 20% of it is the absolute best part of part 1 like this is really where all the warning signs of quality dropping and like kishimotos lack of skill writing fights really really starts to show like really all those fights do is kill the emotional thread running from the hospital fight, sasukes goodbye to sakura and sasuke and narutos fight which are like the best things hes ever written the craziness is turned up as high as it can get the emotional stakes and pain and love are also so high this is peak naruto if we just pretend the fights against the sound 4 never happened just skip them

kazekage rescue mission - this is where all the omens from sasuke recovery mission and the quality drop really like finally start meaning something because really this arc SHOULD be good and its like really really good in certain places like any time naruto and gaara are talking thats just love right there and all those moments really make it almost worth it except that kishimoto really took such a nose dive on understanding how to pace fights the parts that dont have gaara and naruto gazing tenderly at each other feel like pulling teeth like sasori vs sakura really should be absolute peak and its got some truly fantastic moments but it just goes on for so long i feel like im gonna die before sasori ever does that fight could have given us womens rights and the craziness is really high like naruto is just losing his mind about gaara and sakura killed a man with her bare fists

tenchi bridge - oh the love its palpable here and so is the craziness like naruto going to 4 tails because orochimaru just says a few things about sasuke like wow and their whole reunion is so good the passion and weird emotional issues all coming to the surface i love yamato here hes a fun guy and i really like the new team 7 dynamics they are fun i like lots of parts of it but i cant think of anything else to say its what it says on the tin emotional sauske and naruto reunion

akatsuki suppression mission - alright full disclosure i fucking love this arc this arc is the reason i sometimes throw my brain right out of my head and start talking about how much i love shikamaru i prefer all the emotional moments in the anime a lot it felt very rushed in the manga and like that whole episode of team ten processing their grief was so good but god im so so mad that only shikamaru got to have a big important fight like ino and choji should have been helping equally and i really really hate the fight with kakuzu its just more badly paced bullshit for kakashi and naruto to get to be super op when this was supposed to be a bonding moment for team ten this is a little crazy but its team 10 crazy not team 7 crazy which means they are still pretty normal well adjusted people with brains in their heads who are just having a moment

itachi pursuit mission - sasuke killing orochimaru really was so incredibly perfect and forming taka? this arc is about gay rights uum its really short so i dont have the most thoughts but yeah sasukes like maybe at his least crazy until the end of the story like hes got a real concrete plan find gay friends and kill his brother but hes really got a big storm coming 

tale of jiraiya the gallant - i really do not like jiraiya all that much hes just boring and weird but i love the chunks of rain trio backstory we get they are really the last bit of complete villain characters we are gonna get very tragic idk the fight is like alright for this stage of naruto but it still lasts too long and pains powers still make no fucking sense and feel just too overpowered you know also zero crazy which is very disappointing all naruto arcs should have crazy

pain fight - ive got lots of conflicted feelings like the fights not very compelling at first because genuinely the pain bodies are just too strong its very weird and narutos got this big power up which is what it is i really love pain as a villain like hes literally right about everything hes saying but it has to be bizarrely undercut by just bonding awkwardly about jiraiya and yeah theres some very cool battle moments theres some good shit in there but long drawn out battles arent exactly my thing but naruto going 8 tails was still pretty fucking cool and god it was such a cop out that everyone came back to life at the end COWARD KISHIMOTO

kage summit - the one the only kage summit absolute peak craziness like sasuke trying to take down the entire world government thats absolutely iconic i love him for it so much narutos having his own melt down about sasuke sakuras decided she doesnt actually need a brain anymore and has also lost her whole fucking mind in the whirlwind of chaos like this arc feels like an anxiety attack at some points but god do i love it naruto and sasukes whole confrontation is absolutely peak ill bear the burden of your hatred and die with you?? the love the tragedy this is truly peak gay drama thats really like hes planning a lovers suicide and we are all just along for this crazy fucking ride love it

war arc - how did we go from kage summit to this like kage summit felt like it was maybe actually going somewhere but the quality drop is just like an elevator was cut and we are now all speeding to crash at rock bottom here what the fuck happened why was this written why is it literally 1/3 of all of naruto why has god abandoned us itachi and sasukes reunion was very good and needed i loved all the parts with hashirama and madara and really for one sweet moment it seemed like madara might just be a dumb sexy villain who just wrecks shit until all that spiraled down into garbage if i think about obito for too long i start to go crazy thats the real craziness of war arc is how fucking stupid it is and that is making everyone whos ever read or seen it go crazy right along with it

wiki is telling me the kaguya bit is its own arc so lets go with that - ok kaguya fight is pretty cool im into it to a certain extent her weird portal powers are fun i like that but thats really not what we are here for now are we no we are here for the conclusion to 15 years worth of crazy we are here for sasukes final massive lose his mind time and naruto to go right along with him the love and the tragedy but the hope it offers as well love was really invented by the second valley of the end fight and the anime said gay rights and made it the prettiest thing you will ever look at and also adding all the extra tender moments between them like this is it this is why you watch naruto you watch it all for this and god do we love it but wow the trying to be serious stuff about hokage really is so fucking stupid lets pretend that never happened 

wow i really just typed that all out shout out to u 2 loyal fans who read all this shit i guess it was only a matter of time before i wrote something this long and stupid see i do actually like naruto i feel like i couldnt really hit the balance of complaining or praising so idk it might sound more positive or more negative than i actually am but there are really some good parts yes i watched the whole war arc no you shouldnt

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 1 | Part.2 “GET YOUR BOTTLES OUT YOUR BONGS YOUR CRACK” - Adam

GET YOUR BOTTLES OUT YOUR BONGS YOUR CRACK WHATEVER YOU WANNA CELEBRATE WITH GORLS BECAUSE WE DID IT!!! I've offically conquered my biggest fear of playing in any of these games for the third time in a row, i will NOT be the first boot! I also am keeping my own lil personal record of never having to go to the first tribal council of the season which is wig, although idk lmao i kinda wanted to go to tribal just because im gonna be honest, i want to PLAY the game. Right now everyone is still kinda in that annoying honeymoon woohoo go team phase, which granted I do want us to keep up for the numbers, but ... im bored. im trying my best to keep up and be in the social circle but i swear actually talking to other people is probably one of the hardest things for me, especially the whole call culture thing like oh gorl i dont even like talking to my grandma on the phone, like im all for group calls but when people message me wanting to do 1 on 1 calls? uh.... my commitment issues jumped out. I hope that doesnt hinder me in the game because im really trying my best with what ive got to make friends and hope people just dont hate me and wanna vote me out, but i still feel like im not doing enough. Maybe im just being hard on myself, ive been having good convos with AJ, Augusto, and Amir, kinda Austin too, but then i feel bad I haven't connected as much with Connor or Kendall, but i do enjoy them on the tribe. My strategy now is gonna be to just work on my social game since we wont have to go to tribal, maybe tone down my dying urge to just wanna strategize, especially because my first time i played i spent too much time talking game and not enough getting to know the people and it ultimately cost me in the end. But i'm also concerned no one is talking game with me really but amir and aj so like.... i literally STILL have no idea how half these people feel about each other from a game perspective, which is okay i guess ,ill be patient, keep my fake smile on and haha hehe'ing with everyone, but just know i have my knife in my boot and im READY to whip it out whenever. But not tonight, we did good, so now i can focus my energy back on this DAMN TOMB. see yall at 2:29 am on the dot!

YAY. I get to enjoy my first day off EVER in tumblr survivor. im so so happy even though i definitely overdid it in this comp and got too much attention on me but... whew. just gotta wriggle my way back under the radar now

So, I’m actually not surprised that we lost. I had a gut feeling that we were going to lose just based off of everyone’s activity and performance in the challenge. First tribal always sucks because no one wants to be the first person voted out. Luckily, I don’t think it’ll be me just because I think I have solid connections with everyone. Devon and I had another call where he told me I was his number one ally in the game. Isaac also told me that he and Trace want to both work with me. And I’m also in the DADS-R-US alliance with Autumn/Duncan/Devon. I have connections with almost everyone on the tribe, so I hope that after this tribal we don’t lose another challenge cause then that’s where things are going to be tricky. For this vote, I think it would be best for Bodhi to leave. He gave the worst score for the challenge, not to mention I really haven’t communicated with him much. From conversations that I’ve had with Devon, Isaac, and Trace, they also seem like they are on board with Bodhi. Now the next part is just to convince Autumn and Duncan to vote out Bodhi too. If it’s unanimous, it’ll show that our tribe is more united going forward. I think that’s the easy vote going forward, mainly because I think I have solid connections with everyone else on the tribe so I would hate to ruin those connections going into a swap. I have the DADS-R-US Alliance with Autumn, Devon, & Duncan. I like all of them so I’m glad it’s a thing. I feel like I vibe with all of them and it really solidifies that there’s a majority within the tribe. I do feel bad that Isaac and Trace aren’t in it, just because they’re definitely down to earth people. I can see Trace being a threat long term, so I mainly feel bad that Isaac isn’t included. I like the DADS Alliance, the only concern I might have is that Autumn/Duncan seem to be close so that’s something I need to look out for. Devon says I’m his number 1, but I kind of get the vibe that he might betray me around mid-merge just because it seems like he’s trying to play a big UTR game. So that’s something else I want to think about in the back of my mind. Overall, I feel like everything else is self-explanatory. I feel like after the first night, people just kind of got quieter and quieter. I’m hoping that everyone will be on board with voting out Bodhi and that I don’t end up being #blindsided at the first tribal. Cause that would be awful.

Night number 3, ive done my research, studied up on my questions, i basically AM an egyptian now, only for me to get my ass back on the path to the tomb for the 3rd time, only to get all the questions right and see the pedestal is EMPTY. Meaning there's a few scenarios that couldve happened. Clearly I was too slow, and my honest hunch is someone found this damn thing night one, no one has said anything to me, and i feel like ive had decent conversations with the people i semi trust? My first instinct says it could be amir because me and him were both going non STOP on looking for that idol night 1 and then he never mentioned it to me again, which granted i didnt say shit to him when i found it so touche on that one, hopefully he has it and just doesnt want to tell anyone which i wouldnt mind, or aj could have it which i really would hope he doesnt and is lying to me about it because clearly that would be bad because itd make me think he wants to use it against me, but i dont think aj has it. Everyone else is a wildcard, I wouldnt be surprised a bit if connor or kendall have it, there's a reason to me why everyone could have it so im not gonna let it drive me crazy, clearly im just not in the know about it with whoever has got it and thats JUST fine and dandy.... I know how to play this game with or without idols in my possession, whoever has it might have a bit of a head start on me, but trust and believe it's only day 3 the shenanigans have just begun dahling. Now that just means I have to REALLY be on my A game, it'll be a bit of a tricky challenge navigating around the idol, especially in a tribe of 7, but much like everything else in my life, im gonna suck it up and make it work, so whoever you are that's got it, you better beware of me! Because now I know you got it! And if I got a lead that's all I need to cause some chaos, in fact I think im gonna go do that now, I wanna talk to everyone who might not have found the way to the tomb yet and let them know someone got it already, create some paranoia and maybe make sure the target isn't on my back but we'll see, like i said when i get bored i get creative

okay so i'm already really anxious KJLASDF. i really am mad at myself for getting the highest score in the challenge, that was so stupid. next challenge i somehow have to wriggle my way backwards, because being a winner with the highest score? what was i thinking that was suchhhh clownery ugh. well. i need to tone it down 100%

Deep down, I almost prefer losing the first competition for two reasons: 1. You can weed out the weakest member of your tribe (almost like cutting the fat off the meat) 2. You are able to test tribe loyalty from the start. If you win a bunch of comps and go into a swap with numbers, that's great, but you will always be itching to actually play the game. Those without tested loyalty will have a hard time adjusting against those that have been forced to play already. In terms of the vote, it sounds like everyone wants to take it easy and vote out Bodhi. That is fine, but I'm not thrilled about it. I feel like Isaac would have made a better first boot considering his messages are somewhat dry and he has more connections across the current cast. However, it doesn't make sense to cause a rift right now. Pending an idol play, this should be a remotely easy round for the tribe. -Slithers-

cast assessment: the brawn tribe is losers. who the fuck wins a challenge lol. fucking losers.

but i like ali and im excited to play with jordan pines. the beauty tribe is FULL of former allies of mine. Augusto, Connor, Amir, AJ, and whoever else? they're all people i've worked with (maybe aside from aj i dont remember tbh). So far I'd say im alligned with everyone on my tribe to an extent. Isaac and I have a night one alliance, but I think I have to cut him this round... Fuck. I love Autumn and Duncan, and I like Devon and Scott. Trace I'm indifferent to, and I'd be happy to see him go, but idgaf if he stays. Right now im trying to find the idol with isaac, while im not telling isaac that he's gone if he doesn't find it and play it. Ideal scenario: isaac finds the idol and we idol out trace 6-1 ( i want to protect myself from being seen as helping isaac).

Bodhi is driving me insane. First he blows the challenge and now he's like gone on a mad dash to get into the Tomb, which is probably boobie trapped to hell btw. I'm just kinda over him being here like he pulls me aside Day One and tells me he wants to work with me and then I hear from Trace that not only is Bodhi writing my name down but thinks everyone else is going along with it. I hope Bodhi doesn't have the idol; but in the event he does I'm thinking about throwing a vote on someone else to make it a 5-1-1 as a contingency. Bodhi if you read this I'm sorry buddy that you might be a 2 time first boot but I can't help you and I don't think I really want to. I'm just praying I survive this round.

I have not been the best in explaining myself in these confessionals huh… but let’s do a recap for y’all <3

Day 1 went by super fast but the good thing about my social game is that I do make a good first impression on people and I think that ultimately helped me get my footing so far? Within the first hour or so of talking to Kendall, she suggested we become an alliance. At first I was taken aback like MA’AM you don’t know me like that… but I of course said yes because why deny an alliance yknow? I do like Kendall though, so it was nice that she quickly decided she wanted to join forces in the game. Connor and I reconnected from our time in Socotra and we were dropping hints of protecting one another in this game, which was nice. Amir and I clicked INSTANTLY like it was insane how well we meshed together yknow? I would consider him my #1 ally so far and I know for a fact the feeling is reciprocated but I do wanna keep an eye out for him because he’s gonna be incredibly dangerous in this game. Adam and I also clicked super quickly due to our love of skinny legendt herself Mariah Carey and we are basically the same person. Austin and I did talk for a bit over our love of similar stuff which was cute. I had the hardest time clicking with AJ. Overall, I had 2 solidified partnerships, 1 unknown partnership, and then a good vibe with mostly everyone else. Day 2 was big to say the least! Amir had let me know that he was the closest to me and Adam during the beginning of the day. He later mentioned Kendall once the alliance was made. So for me, Amir’s connections are me > Kendall > Adam > Connor > Austin/AJ. Adam had told me that I was one of his faves to talk to so yay for that. Austin had also told me that I and Kendall were his faves to talk to. So… here I am thinking that I am doing THAT in the game ngl and then Connor asks me “lowkey like we’re gonna work together right” which I already assumed but said ofc. He then told me Kendall wanted to make an alliance with us two, herself, and Amir. I am totally for this as my 3 close personal alliances basically combine into one alliance which is nice. That being said, the others were trying to think of a fake 5th member to add and it’s a little early to quickly add one person to it. We need more time to feel people out and whatnot, but it did seem interesting that Amir suggested Adam and Kendall suggested Austin given what both had told me way earlier in the day. I would prefer Adam personally as I do feel like currently, Kendall is the most connected and strongest socially in the game just based on my observations. I’d love to think I am a close second but I could be delusional, I tend to be. But yeah, I’m finally in a majority alliance which is cute. And that’s what you missed on Glee <3

When I tell you that I am SHOOK that I didn’t lose this challenge like… I was expecting to lose ngl so yay for that! Especially since I was one of the top scorers on this challenge… I just hope that excuses my flopping on whatever flash game we get gbhvcnxm but yeah, the thot tribe lost and Bodhi… did so bad like SIR. It is very safe to say he could leave and that makes me sad because I wanted to reunite with him and do some potential damage. I do hope he made an alliance pretty early because Bodhi is honestly a very nice person so yeah. This tribe got told they won the challenge and disappeared like all I hear is crickets nnnn which kinda sucks but oh well. The shitty thing about me as a player is that I sometimes need a lot of reassurance so I just want these people to hit me up first and see what’s up. We shall see what transpires luv xx

The biggest headache of the season (aside from me) is the idol system like I may only have half a brain cell but I’m exerting all its power on trying to find this thing. The clue said to look around and I’ve looked all over the blog and NOTHING like… I do not know what else I could do and it’s driving me absolutely mad luv xx (‘: not that advantages do me any good ever but I just wanna figure it out ;-;

i’m me finding the link to the tomb right after submitting that confessional is a MOOD. k so i put the link in and sent it to the hosts, they told me that “Unfortunately, you have not entered the Tomb” and after that, the picture I saw had disappeared. So now I’m thrown in for a loop (is that even the correct term? ghfdjsk) because I think that the link/pic is only there at certain times and the first person to find it gains access? It is my theory and i’m sticking to it ofc but now what do I do with this information? I think I will sit on it until I gain access to the Tomb for the first time and then we shall see what happens.

God, I cannot believe we literally got our asses HANDED to us by the other tribes. I actually put a good amount of effort into this challenge so it was a bummer to see that not everybody could hold their weight. But actions have consequences so I guess it makes sense why we're here at tribal council. I really do like all of my tribe mates! There is not a single person on this tribe that I don't want to work with, which makes this whole thing very complicated. Right out of the gate, people were talking about voting Bodhi because of his HORRIBLE performance in the challenge. He came to me right away, calling himself an idiot and hoping I would pity him? I don't tbh, he fucked up and there is no fixing it. I am just kinda pissed because like I understand the concept of procrastination, but we literally had two days to do it and he submitted what, 5 things? Like get a fucking grip idk. So I want him out. It's not a fixable problem for him. I trust Isaac quite a bit. He is def my closest ally at this point. I also really like Scott, even though he fucking ruined me in Maluku. Duncan would be my 3rd. I proposed to them to create a group, and we did. I am hoping that this 4 will help me survive at least a few more pre-swap tribals, but I also feel relatively close to Autumn and Devon too, so really it could swing any way that we want to if Isaac and I are in trouble. Bodhi claims that 6 people are voting for Isaac. I could be that oblivious, but I think that Bodhi is going to get blindsided tonight, which is awkward because how could he not see it coming? Idk, the kid has got some blind ambition lmao. Let us just hope that Isaac and I survive tonight's tribal and then can really this misfit tribe to win a goddamn challenge.

So after my last confessional, the DADS alliance got on call and lowkey there was actual contemplation on whether or not we should vote out Isaac instead of Bodhi? This video below describes me in that moment

So I'm trying to subtlety tell the DADs that I think Bodhi should go over Trace and Autumns the only one that agrees with me on this. Duncan and Devon are like "no we should keep him and get rid of Isaac" and I really didn't want to do that but at the same time didn't want to seem like a dictator. So I told them I'd vote out Isaac if they felt comfortable with that. We couldn't really agree so we decide to sleep on it and reconvene tomorrow. 

Tomorrow comes around and Devon tells me he still wants Isaac out over Bodhi. I'm like "bruh seriously?" so I try to tell him my reasons for wanting Bodhi out but also tell him if he/the group want to do Isaac then I'm down for that. So we wait for Autumn and Duncan and when I get on the call they're telling me they're leaning towards Bodhi which has me happy cause it was what I wanted to do to begin with and I didn't need to make my arguments. We love having great minds that think alike. The big takeaway from this is that Devon is definitely lowkey shady since he was all about Isaac leaving before the call and then suddenly had a change of heart. Anyways, I reach out to Trace and I'm like "oh we're good with Bodhi right? and he purposes an alliance of the two of us, Isaac, and Duncan. Which has me thinking, this could work. I can have Trace and Isaac think they're in the majority alliance to ensure none of them play an idol if we lose. OR, maybe I could use them to get Devon out? So I tell Duncan that Trace wants to have an alliance with us and Isaac and he's all for it. We like being the Kim Spradlin of the season. But then things get shady because Trace tells Duncan and Isaac that I MYSELF purposed the alliance which is not the case. So now I'm on edge with Trace because he wants to build me up as the threat. So if we do lose, I also wouldn't mind voting out Trace and explaining to Isaac that Trace was spreading lies about me which I didn't feel comfortable with so that the alliance of Duncan/Isaac/I could vote out Devon should we continue a losing streak? The only thing I do know is that Bodhi is leaving tonight. Bodhi, if you're reading this I'm sorry for voting you out. You're a cool dude, and I feel bad for not talking to you much until you left. Also I'm sorry for not talking to you about the vote at all today, I feel bad lying plus I was lowkey busy with school work that I procrastinated and finals prep. The only thing I need to do now is figure out how the hell i get into the tomb?

okay so i'm not actually going to tribal but gotta make it all about me and do a round wrap-up? i'm already feeling like this might be my last game i forgot the stress of games. the main thing in this game is that i really like jake? he is SO much fun and i manifested from preseason that i would like him and it happened (i haven't told him i figured out he was cast preseason that feels like it would be too creepy), but i'm just happy i manifested him as a really fun ally and it came true!! i really like him and jordan. also my tribe is scaring me i feel like they want me out and me having an idol does not help with my neurotic panic nnn. for guessing who is gonna go home, i really hope autumn and isaac are safe, duncan too!! i kinda assume it'll be bodhi or devon just because they didn't do too hot in the challenge but we will see for sure

https://youtu.be/LPplZtIK9KM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7EpyCcQVcM&feature=youtu.be

[kasssiopeia]

something something first kiss oumasai fanfic

word count: 2191

genre: hella fluff

no spoilers except for... bonus mode?

“Saihara… chan?” Ouma blinked, trying to get out of sleep’s embrace. “Hmm… you’re making a face like you’re about to kiss me”

The calmness about Ouma was so different from usual that the words took time to register in Saihara’s brain.

“K… kiss? No, no, no, I definitely wasn’t—“ He backed off in an instant, holding his hands out in front of him as defense. Of course he wasn’t! Right…?

Ouma straightened his back, and the clueless sleepy expression was soon replaced by a sour one. “Ehhh?! What do you mean you weren’t?!”

if someone wants to beta read this i dont mind?

decided to upload it on ao3 anyway haha

When Saihara handed Ouma the ticket to go on a date with him, he hadn’t really put in much thought into the consequences. To be honest, he even thought that the system was pretty stupid to begin with. Why did he have to spend his precious casino chips (he was still saving up for that mysterious key, wondering which door it would open up?) just to spend time with his classmates after lessons? And why, why in the world, did it have to be called a date? Monokuma had told them that they should use the tickets wisely to become friends with their classmates and of course find “true love”, whatever the black and white bear meant with that. Their results would be tallied up after 10 days and affect their grades greatly, so they had been told. Saihara was doing just fine, mostly hanging out with Momota and Akamatsu, sometimes even spending time with Harukawa or, on very rare opportunities, Chabashira.

However he couldn’t help noticing how his classmates were doing. The majority usually had someone to be with, but there was one person who always seemed on his own. The few times Saihara had seen Ouma with Gokuhara or Amami wouldn’t be nearly enough to affect his grades in a positive way and it had been bugging him ever since. Ouma was difficult to be around, and even though he’d already gotten to know him a little better, distinguishing between his lies and truth was still confusing. But that didn’t mean that he wished for him to fail Monokuma’s special friendship building exercise.

  With the ticket in hand, Ouma stared at him with big eyes. “Saihara-chan! I was just about to ask you to hang out with me too!” A playful grin soon followed. “Of course, that was lie, but I guess spending time with you can’t be too bad?”

Ouma crossed his hands behind his head and Saihara sighed in response. “Y-Yeah… sure.” Well that much he had expected, now he could just hope that the rest of their time wouldn’t get any worse. Also… where should they even spend time at? Talking to Ouma could be a pain when the other wasn’t at least a bit honest with him, so they’d usually end up playing games. So maybe the cafeteria or AV room would be a good choice?

Before finishing his thoughts, Ouma tugged at his sleeve impatiently. “Heey, you’re not paying attention to me at all? Why did you invite me in the first place!” An angry scowl crossed his face and Saihara unwillingly took a step back, bracing himself. Apparently content with the reaction he got out of him, Ouma smiled instead. “Since you’re taking too long decide, I’m going to do that for you. After all you should entertain me, right? Then let’s see… how about the garden?”

The garden! That was a surprising choice. But the spring weather had been pleasant recently, painting the school garden in a lush green. Was Ouma actually the type to enjoy this season too? No, no matter how he looked at the pale boy, there was no way he’d actually spend more time outside than necessary. So why choose the garden? After all, if they didn’t even bring anything like playing cards…

Saihara shook his head lightly to abandon these thoughts. If he dawdled any longer, maybe Ouma would get mad at him for real.

 Reaching their destination, they settled for a bench in the shade. And just as Saihara was about to wreck his brain with what to actually talk about, Ouma stretched his arms in the air and sighed. “To be honest, I was just about to go to my room and have a nap, but then you showed up…”

Saihara felt a pang in his chest with how heartbroken Ouma sounded. He had to remind himself again, that this was probably just Ouma being Ouma, but even if he told himself that it was a lie, part of him still hurt. He swallowed his feelings to answer a bit more reasonably. “If… if that’s the case, why didn’t you say so earlier?”

As expected, the sulky expression disappeared in an instant. But to Saihara’s surprise, it also wasn’t the goofy grin Ouma usually used to hide his lies behind. Instead he smiled at him in a honest way. Or was that also a lie?

“Actually I was thinking about having a nap here? After you went out of your way to invite me, I mean.”

That last part was definitely exaggerated, Saihara noted with a sour smile. Ouma’s glance drifted into the distance and his voice dropped low.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed you observing how I spend my time. I have no intention of following Monokuma’s orders, if that’s what you’re concerned about. But don’t you think stalking me is actually a bit creepy?”

“W-Wha—“Saihara was taken aback. It wasn’t like he had snooped around, more like he’d noticed Ouma’s behavior by chance! If all it might have been because of his instincts as a detective—

“Nishishi… you should just admit that you like me, Saihara-chan!” Ouma’s voice was back to full volume, cheerful tone suggesting that Saihara had fallen right into his lie. Said boy covered his mouth in embarrassment while mumbling an excuse.

If his blush was visible, peaking out from underneath his cap, Ouma kept quiet about it for once. Why did it have to happen every time that he got stuck in his play? And the worst of it was that it wasn’t all wrong either. Of course he had been worried for Ouma, and not just in a sense of showing concern about his marks. But to have his own thoughts turned around to the point of making a laughing stock out of himself… Saihara took a deep breath to recover.

“A-Anyway, I don’t mind if you take a nap here? I actually brought a book with me so…” Yeah, as if Ouma would worry about him. Nice try Saihara.

For a moment it looked like Ouma was thinking about how to send his words straight back to him, but then thought better of it. Instead he seemed content for now, dangling his legs from the bench and then leaned against the backrest to close his eyes.

Saihara tried not to pay too much attention to the soft sigh escaping his lips. He pulled the book out of his pocket and focused on the murder mystery described in the pages before him.

 …��

 ……

 Only when Saihara finally closed his book did he notice how late it had gotten. Had he really just spent the whole afternoon reading? Glancing beside him, Ouma was still sleeping soundly. His head was facing Saihara and the boy had to admit that he’d never seen such a relaxed expression on Ouma’s features. He must’ve been really looking forward to this nap, to sleep so peacefully in a place like this. But now that he was able to study Ouma’s face up close without being called out immediately, he did notice the dark circles under his eyes that were now partly hidden by long lashes.

On another occasion where they’d spent time together, Ouma had told him that as the leader of an evil organization, his head was always full of schemes, which was the reason why he barely got any rest. Of course at that time, Saihara had written it off as just another lie, but maybe there was some truth hidden in his story after all? And if so, how was it that Ouma was able to sleep so peacefully right next to him? Did this mean that he trusted Saihara to a great extent? Speaking for himself, Saihara couldn’t imagine just falling asleep next to anyone, especially not in the way where his pale lips parted ever so slightly with each warm breath that left them.

Ouma’s eyes opened slowly, big purple orbs still clouded with sleep staring back at Saihara. Admittedly, they were quite beautiful outside of their usually taunting expression. Wait, when had he even gotten this close to Ouma’s face?

 “Saihara… chan?” Ouma blinked, trying to get out of sleep’s embrace. “Hmm… you’re making a face like you’re about to kiss me”

The calmness about Ouma was so different from usual that the words took time to register in Saihara’s brain.

“K… kiss? No, no, no, I definitely wasn’t—“ He backed off in an instant, holding his hands out in front of him as defense. Of course he wasn’t! Right…?

Ouma straightened his back, and the clueless sleepy expression was soon replaced by a sour one. “Ehhh?! What do you mean you weren’t?!”

Angrily, he lunged at Saihara, grabbing his wrists firmly. There were tears brimming in his eyes. “So just because I want to kiss you means you think I’m gross huh!!!”

“N-No, it’s not like that, I—… Ouma-kun, what the hell are you even saying?” Paying attention to his moods and words at the same time almost caused Saihara to miss that little bit. Ouma wanted to kiss him? Just what in the world was going on?

 The two boys stared at each other in silence, both seeming equally confused. Then, Ouma finally cocked his head to the side, clueless.

“Eh…? Just what did I just say?” He was still holding onto his hands firmly.

In response, Saihara gulped. He didn’t just mishear that, right? And even if this was just another one of Ouma’s games, this was something he couldn’t leave unmentioned.

“You said you… want to kiss me?” The fact that Ouma’s face showed no reaction made him feel somewhat unnerved. The longer they stared at each other, the more awkward Saihara felt. He should’ve known better.

“Ohhh, that!” Ouma’s expression finally lightened up. “That was…”

“…A lie?” Saihara finally broke eye contact, dropping his gaze instead.

“Hmm… what do you think, Saihara-chan? Care to find out?”

There was something scheming about his words, no doubt. Saihara felt incredibly stupid for having his curiosity piqued and when he raised his head, there were no clear answers to be found in Ouma’s expression. Of course. But judging from his words and his behavior… did Ouma really want him to kiss him? Was this even a possibility?

“You’re not gonna run away?” His voice dropped, speaking as if this was some kind of pact between them. Ouma’s grip on his wrists loosened but instead of letting go, their palms slid together to intertwine their fingers. It felt… weird. Saihara could feel his own heartbeat echoing in his ears. He wasn’t seriously about to…?

 Instead of answering, Ouma closed the space between them quickly. Due to his rush, they bumped noses together awkwardly at first, but then their lips found each other. Saihara didn’t even have enough time to be surprised but he could’ve sworn that the trembling in his hands wasn’t him alone. Ouma’s mouth felt warm on his and the sensation was almost enough to make him forget what lead them to this situation in the first place.

The kiss was over in an instant and both withdrew hesitantly, leaving their fingers interlocked for just a while longer, before even that contact was lost. Neither dared to look at the other and when the air between them became almost too heavy for Saihara to take, Ouma jumped to his feet.

“Damn it Saihara-chan, you’re not fun to hang out at all!!”

The words were angrily shouted at him, but even in his confused state, Saihara could clearly make out a deep red blush on the other’s face.

“Ouma-kun, I’m… sorry?” Not sure how to handle this sudden mood swing, he also stood up and made a tentative step towards the shorter boy. After all wasn’t it Ouma who had kissed him in the end? Making it seem like it was his fault now simply wasn’t fair.

Without listening to him, Ouma continued, his words punctuated by sobbing. “A-And to think that this… was my first kiss… you’re the worst, Saihara-chan”

His what?? Was Ouma genuinely upset about this?? Before he could break out into his characteristic loud crying, Saihara spoke again. “Actually that was my first kiss too…”

“Your first kiss?” Ouma took a shuddering breath as if to calm himself down. As Saihara was about to confirm again, Ouma’s expression changed again drastically. “Nishishi… so you’re saying I stole your first kiss?”

Somehow he suddenly seemed weirdly okay with this outcome. Saihara was at a loss. Even if he recapped their conversation until now, there was no telling how much of his words were actually true.

“Nishishishishi… maybe I had some fun after all. Then I’ll make sure to steal something else from you next time!”

Before he was able to reply, Ouma already paced away, leaving Saihara completely dumbfounded. Steal something else from him? What did he even mean with that? Sighing, he fell back down onto the bench. Maybe there was no telling about Ouma’s real intentions, and every time they talked, he felt like his world was upside down. But strangely enough, he hadn’t minded that kiss.

[asksansweredpdf]

These are actually solid questions

1. First thing you wash in the shower? my hair

2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? i can’t stand coffee. and alcohol might as well be my blood at this point

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? haha noooo. he was nice but i felt literally nothing. was like kissing a brick wall or something. tbh i never feel much when i kiss boys

4. Do you plan outfits? YES. i’m a drama queen and a diva and flamboyant and i need to look good always. i have my graduation in 2 days and i still haven’t planned what to wear and it’s bothering me

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? tbh pretty numb. like not happy and not sad. just. .... chillin

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? my track pants

7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body? well with the mood im in now, i probably wouldn’t react. but the logical side of my brain would kick in and i’d phone it in to the police. 

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? it’s still that one about the creepy old dude touching me in the car. 

9. Three of your current feelings? -introspective -apathetic

-wistful

10. What are you craving right now? tbh i would very much love to hug my stuffed pink harold. but he’s downstairs and i just don’t have the energy to walk haha

11. Turn ons? not rly in the mood to answer these

12. Turn offs?

13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? this vine

14. When was the last time you cried? Why? idk like over a month ago. i had to work a thursday night shift which is always super stressful. and that day my sister just started beating the shit out of me so the anxiety was like double

15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be? ironman. any day. or spiderman because it’d be fun to just swing around the city listening to music peacefully

16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? nope. she doesn’t even know that i know about half the shit she did. never ever apologised about the stuff she knows i know about. no acknowledgement. no apology. just pretends it never happened

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? lick it 

18. Favorite movie ever? idk i like frozen and pride and prejudice and the hunger games

19. Do you like yourself? i like myself, but i can’t seem to justify why. i don’t really have an identity. i don’t know what i’m like. and so it’s hard to like myself when i don’t know what i like about my self, or why i do. but i enjoy being myself.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity? i met stan walker once? he’s a minor celebrity in australlia

21. Could you handle being in the military? part of me would thrive in the structure and forced exercise and socialisation. another part of me would completely crumble because like i have anxiety

22. What are you listening to right now? i don’t give a ... - missio

23. How many countries have you visited? india, america, canada, australia. so 4 i guess

24. Are your parents strict? you betcha

25. Would you go sky diving? sure yeah. i’m afraid of heights so the adrenaline would be wild

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? nah. i dont give a shit about him. maybe i’d go if he paid for the food.

27. Whats on your mind right now? literally nothing. mostly thinking about endgame. i’m also thinking about taking my mum’s anti anxiety meds since she doesn’t use them and i have anxiety. but i don’t want to take them without professional advice. but also, i am a professional advice. and like what could happen? i’d get mentally ill?

28. Is there anything you want to say to someone? nah i dont really feel like talking atm. i guess i’d ask if they wanted to go for a smoke. i would love a cig rn

29. Have you ever been in a castle? no but i would love to!!

30. Do you rent movies often? not really, i just watch stan/netflix

31. Whats your zodiac sign? cancer sun, leo moon, libra rising

32. When was the last time you had sex? i haven’t had sex

33. Name five facts about yourself. i honestly don’t think i know enough about myself to do this but let’s give it a go -i have short hair -i love music more than literally anything -i turn 21 this year and i have no idea what to do for it -i’m thinking of getting a motorbike soon -i’ve never broken a bone

34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened? nope

35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny? i used to. and i absolutely would love to believe in all that stuff. but not to sound angsty or whatever, i’ve had so many shitty things happen to me that it’s hard for me to believe that it’s all part of some big plan or that there is any justice in the world. i think people just do shit and that’s it

36. Brown or white eggs? ive never had white eggs so..... brown?

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? nah we dont have it in australia

38. Ever been on a train? yeah man i love trains

39. Ever been in love? not mutually, no

40. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it? it’s a million bucks. absolutely. one night of terror to never have to worry about anything ever again. i’m a witch too so as much as i’d be scared, it’d be fine.

41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with? someone rich and famous. maybe harry styles or freddie mercury. i’m sure they didn’t have it easy, but it’s certainly easier than things have/ever will be for me you know?

42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it? absolutely

43. Whom do you admire and why? i tend not to admire irl people. but i do admire tony stark a lot (GOD this is so lame ksajrsjkfs). i admire his charisma, his confidence, his humour, his good looks, his intelligence, his eyes. he embodies everything i feel like i can never be. but everything i’ll always want to be.  i admire freddie mercury. for his work drive and ethic. for his confidence and stage presence, his ability and talent in singing, songwriting, musical instruments. his flamboyancy, his sense of humour. again, these are all qualities i would love to have.

44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child? oh i never really got read bedtime stories

45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do? internally, i’d be like “that sucks for you” and walk away. but i can’t be a dick, so i’d assess the extent of the fire and see if there was a way to save the baby. i’d try if so, if not idk what i’d do. panic and call 000?

46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you? nah man. gotta let kids live their lives 

47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol? alcohol: the night i just moved out of home 2 weeks ago. my roommate invited a friend over, and we all had fun and played never have i ever and i flirted with this really cute guy and had so much fun. i hadn’t really had any experiences like that before because i was - anyway. it was nice to feel like a normal 19 year old just for a second weed: either the time i was drunk and high at our housewarming party and went to the park and felt like i was on a fucking rollercoaster, or the time i got super cooked after work and had a shower which felt amazing and then went back to my room and listened to beautiful people beautiful problems. i didn’t hallucinate per se, but i closed my eyes and could like see the lyrics “blue is the colour of the planet from the view above”. it was like i was in outer space and could see the earth and i was so relaxed and it was so magical mdma: my halloween party! there were so many people and no one knew i was high and we had a mad dance party and i met some of our neighbours and i just had so much fun talking to everyone and Living. 

48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol? alcohol: being around boring people when drunk is boring. especially because when i’m drinking i really want to have a good and fun time.  weed: ahh i have anxiety so i used to get a few panic attacks when i was smoking mdma: eugh it was my friends 21st at the time and we took mdma and i thought it wasnt kicking in because all we did was sit in bed and talk. literally so boring. im so mad that i wasted my first time like that

50. As your walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it? nah, i’d probably hand it in to the police. actually, i dont trust the police so i’d probably google what to do with it. but probably police because i cant have stolen money or give it to someone else. 

51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them? not hanging out with someone because of that has literally never even crossed my mind

52. In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded. If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger? nah. i’m actually going places now days

53. How old were you when you lost your virginity? tba

54. Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires? nope

55. If you could live forever, would you want to? yeah probably. i’d like to give it a trial run though. i’m very anxious, so being lonely and immortal might make it worse. but at the same time, being immortal might make it easier to not give a shit and to be less anxious

56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are? honestly i feel like jane villanueva or peter parker

57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit? i would love to be a victorian bitch with a bomb ass dress and waist

58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it? probably not. unless it was someone i really hated, i wouldnt give a shit

59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it? i mean i wouldn’t be the best person for the job, but i also wouldn’t be the worst. if i could have time to properly study politics then yeah i’d consider. 

60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to? i’d probably want a girl but i dont really see any reason to not have a boy

61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy? be wealthyyyyyy