#THAT VERY WELL MAY SEE ME REGULARLY IRL.

[ratcandy]

so i am in discord servers for various groups at my uni, one of which i am the vice president of starting this fall, and every time i make a new status i am painfully Aware that I have to be careful lest anyone in one of those groups sees and goes Huh. What

[mishydraws]

Very... very unfortunate life update

Hi, everyone.

Ok, I don’t want to waste your time but I wanted to be upfront about what’s going on in my life just so you all know.

Last night I got what is probably one of the worst emails that could have ever appeared in my inbox? Our landlord has given us a 60-day notice to get out. For context, my mom and I have been living here since the year 2000. We have never been late on rent or missed a payment despite every difficulty life has thrown at us in that time and this has completely blindsided us.

We haven’t spoken to any of the neighbors yet but some of the wording on the notice makes me think that they may be kicking out the entire building. Or maybe they’re just targeting those of us in the non-renovated units because we’ve been here so long and they could charge a new tenant much more with a quick kitchen and bathroom upgrade. Renoviction is a new word I just learned. I don’t know. That’s what happened to my brother at his last apartment. They kicked out everyone in his building, renovated, raised the rent, then let new people move in.

They suddenly started increasing our rent every year like clockwork a few years ago so I’ve had a feeling they’ve been trying to price us out for a while but I didn’t know they could just… tell us to leave just because they can. Rent consistently paid up and everything for 24 years.

The notice we received really doesn’t say much so it’s all speculation I guess. It doesn’t state a reason why it just says we need to be gone by March 31st.

But basically, I’m really not doing well right now in all honesty. I slept for maybe an hour last night and it’s like a switch flipped in me as soon as I read the email. My stomach has had this weird knotted feeling ever since and I can’t stand up for more than a few minutes before needing to lie down again in case I either faint or vomit… I’m not sure which but it’s been this way since last night. I had to stand up at the sink to wash one singular dish from dinner and I could barely do it. At least I didn’t see the email until after I ate last night because I still have no appetite now.

However bad I’m feeling I know my mom is probably feeling worse. She has been for a while. She’s getting older and my dad is no longer alive. Aside from my brother and one irl friend I still see in person regularly, we have no family or other support system in this country and are well and truly on our own, staring down the barrel of homelessness if we can’t quickly secure a place and move decades worth of our life there before the end of March.

All of this to say, I don’t know what our usual art shenanigans here are going to look like during this time. I am incredibly stressed to the point where I am physically ill but I also can’t pause and step away because I do need the income that I receive from your support of me/my art here. It’s just the reality. I’ve never been particularly Big And Successful with what I do so your support means all the much more and makes a real impact on my life.

I am so sorry if this dampens your mood at all today or if you notice a decrease in the quality of art I’m able to deliver over the next few months but I will try my best to keep things rolling and let you know if there’s any particular delays to expect.

To top it off, I requested a tour of a nearby apartment last night (more expensive than our current) and the name of the person who just texted me back has the same name as our current landlord. Who wants to start taking bets? I know for a fact they own a lot of property in the area so this isn’t looking promising.

Anyways. Sorry for this downer of a post. If we’re not homeless in 2 months then… I dunno. I’ll have somewhere indoors to do art? Yay? You can imagine the housing market we’re dealing with being in California. The prospect of moving at this point has always been one of my biggest fears but we’ll see if we get lucky real fast 😢

If you've ever thought about supporting my Patreon or anything else, now and over the next few months might be a good time if you can swing it. Maybe it'll help us secure a place to move if I can point to it and be like 'Look! A whole income!' 🥲 Idk man.

There's an art update in the (public) post I made if you want to see what we're at least trying to work on for sticker club through all of this.

Mishy

[absolutebl]

BL & Critical Analysis

Pop culture critique & a how to do it... or something

This meaty question came from the lovely @huachengeye Thank you!

Codicil: I do not get paid for pop culture critique (although I once wrote book reviews professionally, long story). So I’m entirely a dilettante. 

The Question!

Q1: Can you can shed some light on your process (of critical analysis)

This is a little like training your eye to edit a document (I bet you can tell that's not one my strong points). Or training your mind to look at data and data collection in terms of the results it may yield and what the initial survey says about the questioner's bias (or can bias results).

First, I have to ask... 

Do you really want to train your eye to critique?

Because it will become a lot harder to immerse yourself in a piece of media if you constantly feel obligated to step back mentally and think about it from various perspectives. 

In other words, you may enjoy BL, or all live action dramas, LESS if you try to think about them critically.

I have an intimate who is a pretty well known writer. She mostly writes humorous fiction. She's open about the fact that this means every time she laughs, she stops and thinks about why that happened and whether is could be used in her prose. She never gets to be fully absorbed by narrative ever anymore because her critical eye is always turned on, especially for the written word.

What you may sacrifice for critique, is a certain level of childish wonder. 

I’m not sure i would necessarily advise doing this. 

My Process 

My process is essentially now visible in this blog. As I watch a show I take a few notes on it (which show up in the weeklies) and then at the end I go through those notes, consolidate, try to be witty about it, and write up a review.

The review usually has something about:

characters, tropes, plot 

narrative & story structure & pace

how this BL fits in with the greater BL genre & history

any thoughts I have on the quality of the production, acting, and/or directing 

my own personal feelings about the show

Thus my reviews tend to take into account several criteria.

For #1-2 I have a background in lit crit as an undergrad (and, like I said, I did once review books for a living) so these are kinda ingrained in me. I’m working on seeing the influence of soap operas, fan fic, and non-western story structures as critically valid, so these are the things I’m actively learning more about the most these days. 

For #3: How does this fit into the history of BL? Since I’ve made it point to watch pretty much all BLs, I feel like I’m set up to think and talk about this. AKA the spreadsheet made me do it. But since I also have anthropology in my academic history, I’m very interested in how a BL represents for its country’s BL oeuvre. I try to judge KBLs against other KBLs (and Kdramas) and look for patterns and trends in how that country’s interpretation of what it “means to be BL” shift over time. 

For #4: my IRL job is tangential to the entertainment industry so that’s accidentally trained my eye for film. I don’t know that I like this part about myself, but it’s happened whether I like it or not. And I don’t have a proper background in film critique. 

Final #5: will discuss further in a bit.

Suggestion? Establish A Rating System 

Come up with your own personal 10 star (or 5 star) rating system.

Write it down. Don’t be afraid to modify or adjust it. It’s yours, your tastes change, nothing is set in stone. 

Pick one ideal example BL for each category that you’re very familiar with for your reference point. Then you can ask yourself, after you’ve watched a new one, whether you liked it more, less, or about the same as that show. (relative rating, similar to grading on a curve) 

I change my examples regularly as my taste changes and as new BLs are added. The bar gets shifted, so to speak. 

My Rating System 

Your reasoning for rating a BL will be different from mine, but here’s mine as an example. 

(Also I never feel bound by this, sometimes I give a show a 8/10 just because it feels like that’s what it deserves.) 

10/10 - HIGHLY RECOMMENDED - my favorite precious squee!, faithful to tropes, happy ending, good chemistry, few flaws, high rewatch potential, makes me happy, examples: Semantic Error, Until We Meet Again 

9/10 ABSOLUTELY RECOMMENDED - loved it and good rewatch potential but probably a few pacing issues or one big flaw, still made me feel good/comforted, examples: Cherry Magic, Bad Buddy

8/10 - RECOMMENDED - some concerns around tropes (like dub con) or story structure/filming but still satisfies as BL, moved me emotionally, rewatchable in parts or not rewatchable but important, examples: Love By Chance, Between Us

7/10 - RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS - i.e. isn’t quite BL, convoluted, not strictly HEA, too short/long, and/or chemistry issues, may have impact on other BL fans but not me (or on me but not others) examples: Make it Right, KinnPorsche

6/10 - WORTH WATCHING BUT FLAWED - probably around the ending or in narrative structure/cohesion or censorship, disappointed expectations, unlikely to rewatch, examples: My Gear and Your Gown, Love Mechanics

5/10 - WATCH IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO - but don’t expect much, it’s a total hot mess interesting only because it's BL and I'm probubly pretty conflicted about it, examples: Advance Bravely, Even Sun

4/10 - FATALLY FLAWED - but still basically BL, however... do we want to support this kind of behaviour? examples: Precise Shot, Work from Heart

3/10 - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM WATCHING AND NEITHER DOES IT, just seriously why did this get made? examples: Blue of Winter, Physical Therapy 

2/10 - IT'S DEPRESSING - they killed/tortured/etc the gay, save yourself, examples: The Effect, HIStory 3: Make Our Days Count

1/10 - IT'S AWFUL, I WATCHED IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO, has all the flaws of 4-3 plus something even more egregious, personally triggering, example: My Bromance series, Round Trip to Love

dnf - self explanatory, but usually I drop because I feel like the narrative is already a #3 and/or headed for a #2 or #1 and then I’m told later that is went there, example: My Tempo

I hand out the fewest 1s & 10s. The most 8s and 7s. Everything else is pretty much on the bell curve you’d expect. 

Q2: What resources do you use to build your reviews?

I listen to a lot of pop culture review critiques in podcast form, often about stuff I'd never watch. But I like the way professionals talk about these things, even if they aren't MY things or don't jive with my personal opinions.

Mark Kermode is my favorite film critic and we like the opposite stuff, but the way he talks about film is very interesting to me. His podcast mini series on the "business of film" is probably one of my must listens. For his main podcast (Kermode & May’s Take), I always skip over all the interviews, people talking about their own films bore me to death (especially if they are actors on the promo junket, save me please). His rants are some of my favorites of all time (try Pirates 3 or Iron Man 2). Someone else’s list. 

I also like Pop Culture Happy Hour from NPR because it brings in multiple perspectives and varied cast of critics who often disagree and the "things making me happy" is a grab bag of fun.

The Bechdel Cast is a feminist critique podcast from Hollywood insiders and they do recaps as well as critique, and it's always fascinating to me to hear what people latch onto in a narrative. However, I only listen if I am already familiar with the film they are discussing.

My background is in anthropology and I've lived all over the world so that helps train me to think in terms on culture's impact on narrative as well as linguistics and so forth. As a personality I’m also quite reserved and deadpan, grumpy, stiff, strict, and kinda cold. I think I gravitate to being an observer and an outsider which helps if you want to analysis stuff. Which is not a claim to objectivity, I don't think there can be objective analysis of pop culture.

But it does make me pause to think, "that made me FEEEL something" why? What am I feeling? How did the actor do that? The script? The direction?

These shows are meant to entertain, whether they are successful or not, for me (and what "successful entertainment" means to me) and how they are doing it is the first question I always ask myself.

Q3: What are the things you look out for when watching a BL?

I ask myself a lot of things I would when looking at any piece of art. Or even when shopping for clothing or a new car or reading a book.

Did I like it? Why did I like it?

Did it move me? Why did it move me? 

Did I react? How did I react? To which bits? Why? 

What tropes and narrative beats was it using to manipulate me and my expectations? Did it meet those expectations? The promises it set up at the start? Did it fulfill the watcher-contract during the course of the narrative? 

Did the filming successfully telegraphy the journey I was meant to take? Did the actors? 

But also... would I rewatch it? Am I tempted to do so the moment it ends? For which bits?

The statistician in me wants to point out that these questions say a lot more about me and my relationship to art than it does about the art itself.

For example

Did I like it? Means... I'm motivated by pure taste and personal preference and complete subjectivity. This is in part formed by a person's background, life state, whole experience with culture and pop culture and society, family, friends. Taste is also just "that" bit. You know, that bit? Likes lemon deserts over chocolate ones, gravities to spicy food, favorite color is green, decorates with potted plants. Just my taste is my taste. I like what I like. 

Yes I have some criteria that subconsciously come into play: I look for clever story structure, subversion or manipulation of tropes, parody, not hitting any of my dislikes (like dub con). But also I have other biases impacting whether I like it (like physical appearance) which I can try to check but usually can't fix. (For example GMMTV's Gawin/Fluke looks so much like an ex of mine I really struggle with his screen presence.)

Did I like it?

The fact that this is the first question I ask myself also should tell you I'm motivated by the emotion these narratives engender. I want them to transport me and move me. I my case I want to feel comforted and satisfied and happy. The ones the make me feel discomfort, especially for too long in the narrative, I am simply going to like less. Sometimes less than I feel like I should (see my struggles with masterworks like ITSAY, YNEH, or The 8th Sense). The very BLs that most professional critics would tout as the best examples of the genre for a wider audience often turn out to be the ones I struggle with the most. (They are also, fortunately for me, the least representative of the bulk of the genre.)

In other words there is ALSO a part of me that genuinely likes and enjoys the trashy stuff. Even the trash I trash watch.

So I would advise you to come up with your own questions. Ask yourself what you want from these shows when you watch them. 

What motivates you? 

Why are you watching them at all? 

What brings you joy from an art or entertainment experience? 

What do you want them to do for you? To you?

You are going to experience them (and therefore analyze them) from this perspective whether you like it or not. So understand yourself is paramount. It's about your relationship to the art, not the art itself.

If I were to give you an assignment I would say start with one BL you really enjoyed, perhaps not your favorite but one level down. And then do one you really did not enjoy. And think about why... 

Happy analyzing! 

(source)

[bluemooniegif]

besides bungo stray dogs, can u rcm me some manga having thought-provoking theme like that

ABSOLUTELY I CAN!! here are some manga, book and movie recs for you, cause I couldn't help myself :>

MANGA RECS:

1: The Case Study of Vanitas (Vanitas no Carte)

I knowww it's a cliche that BSD fans must also enjoy VNC, but it's genuinely just AHH so good!! it currently sits at 62.5 chapters (10 volumes & 9 uncollected chapters) and it has a 2-season anime adaptation. it's the second manga series by Jun Mochizuki, who's also well-known for her series Pandora Hearts, and is still ongoing.

set in 19th-century France, our story begins with Noe, a young vampire, who's excitedly travelling to Paris for the first time. in his travels, he encounters the strange and enigmatic Vanitas, a human who somehow possesses the power of the Vampire of the Blue Moon- a feared being shunned by the rest of the vampire world.

we learn from the very beginning that Noe is recounting this story to us, and that he kills Vanitas with his own hands- but why? how? nobody knows, but we're bound to find out!

2. Attack on Titan

I doubt anyone was expecting me to mention this one, because it has quite a reputation for being gore-filled and action-packed, but when I say this literally changed my life I'm really not kidding (I wouldn't have this blog or be into anime at all if not for AOT!). it's a completed story, with a four-season anime (including 3 OVA episodes) and 139 manga chapters (in the main storyline; there are multiple spin-offs and 2 bonus mangas/light novels).

many years ago, the final remnants of humanity were forced to flee into a city surrounded by three giant walls. these walls are the only things keeping humanity from perishing at the hand of the titans, giant humanoid figures who hunt and eat them. but a young boy, Eren, wants nothing more than to see the world beyond the wall- until a titan taller than their walls breaks into the city, throwing humanity (and Eren's life) into disarray.

though it's true that a large chunk of this animanga is action, the lore is incredible. I can't say too much without spoiling, but the thought-provoking aspects aren't talked about nearly as much as I think they should be. once you've finished watching or reading, I highly recommend you watch this video, which is one of my favourite video essays of all time!

BOOK RECS:

1. Slaughterhouse Five

this is one of my favourite books of all time, and it's only 177 pages, so it's a super quick read! not only is it severely anti-war, but it's deeply though-provoking. I think about it every day. I quote it regularly. I'd recommend it to anyone and everyone, especially now, with everything happening in the world.

I honestly don't have words for how much I love it, so here's the synopsis on Goodreads:

Prisoner of war, optometrist, time-traveller - these are the life roles of Billy Pilgrim, hero of this miraculously moving, bitter and funny story of innocence faced with apocalypse. Slaughterhouse 5 is one of the world's great anti-war books. Centring on the infamous fire-bombing of Dresden in the Second World War, Billy Pilgrim's odyssey through time reflects the journey of our own fractured lives as we search for meaning in what we are afraid to know.

2. No Longer Human

there are so many editions of this, and I would recommend all of them- this is my other favourite book of all time, by the way. I may be barking up the wrong tree when I tell a BSD fan to read Dazai, one of the most accessible and relatable Japanese authors for a Western audience, but hey, I've got to remind you just in case you haven't given it a shot.

No Longer Human follows the life of Yozo Oba, a boy born into a big rich family, who constantly feels at-odds with the world around him. it's an exploration of mental illness, social isolation, self-expression, and compassion. I actually have an entire youtube video talking about it and how BSD-Dazai reflects Yozo as much as irl-Dazai, and it's my pride and joy so please go watch it!

MOVIE RECS:

Okay, I only have one rec for you, but this movie haunts me (in the best way possible):

Forgotten (기억의 밤)

I really need more people to watch this actually because holy shit it was amazing and nobody talks about it!! WATCH IT!!! PLEASE!!!!

Jinseok watches his brother get kidnapped right before his eyes, and it powerless to do anything. 19 days later, he returns, and... something is different about him. Jinseok is determined to uncover the mystery surrounding his kidnapping.

the twists in this are actually insane. I can't tell you anything aside from the synopsis without spoiling major plot points. if you only take one recommendation I bed you to take this one.

okay that's all bye!!

[soupofmd]

ofmd friends appreciation time!!

i thrive in long form media bc i like to ramble so im doing this here rather than on twt

ive met some of the nicest people ive ever come across since being in the ofmd fandom and they regularly make a point to tell me im great (silly gay people) so here is that for them all:

- eli: WELL where to begin, you are basically just the most iconic person ive ever met, youre so easy to talk to, youre always there to chat or for emotional support, feels like ive known you forever. You are so caring and attentative to everyone you interact with and im honoured to be in your inner circle so i get to speak to you everyday :)

- fia + av: i gotta group you two because i realised i have the same things to say to you both lol. i dont speak to you guys as much (i appreciate having a life outside the internet that is very good for u guys lmao) but i hear the best things about you both, and every interaction ive had with either of you is always easy, friendly and funny. i hope you both know that even if you dont hang around online as much, that we all love you just as much and appreciate hearing from you :)

- idunn: the loml, my silly little norwegian, (my scrumptious starfish) you have the best sleep schedule ive ever seen (which is bad for me bc u always go to sleep when i come online to speak to u hehe). im so glad we met, im so glad we get each other, and i hope you never stop being a goofy flirt, også, du er veldig pen og jeg liker deg hehehehehehe :))

- des: destynee, desody, desus, you liked me enough to invite me into the group and im so glad you did bc now i get to speak to all my fav people everyday so firstly thank you for that. secondly, YOU are so funny, youre so insane, it makes me so happy every time you bully me bc i can feel the affection through the screen and i hope i send that same vibe back to you because you really do bring everyone together and we all love you so much for it! you’re hilarious, and me stealing your memes is genuinely bc i adore you and want to entertain you like you do for me :)

- moony: honestly idek, everytime we speak i wonder if it was even real or some sort of weird hallucination. im so happy i know you because you will happily entertain anyones silly discourse and make every conversation so much funnier just by being there. i will be coming to visit you in spain so we can kiss x :)

- ella: my fellow brit! (it freaks me out everytime i remember how close we live i wont lie). when idunn asked if you could join the chaos and gave you a sparkling recommendation it was very accurate bc you are so nice and easy going and fit in effortlessly. its so easy to talk to you and im glad we can talk about british things without me doing it alone and getting ridiculed lmao. one day i will convince you to meet me irl so we can make one of the weird norwegian foods idunn has mentioned :)

- may: you make me laugh so much because you are so kind and easy to talk to and then you have the evil mayo side of you that is so insane and scares me a little (jokes please never retire evil mayo). never stop being you please provide me with interesting bird content forever and ever :)

- ratte: you are so entertaining, you always manage to make us all laugh, when youre online ik its going to be a good time, and youre so interesting when you talk about your interests in discord (ik i said interest twice lol) :)

- yuriy: you are one of the coolest people ive ever spoken to, you seem so laid back, youre hilarious, you motivate me to get stuff done in focus vcs lol and i love seeing you around :)

-mel: menace mel, you are so crazy and entertaining, you never cease to make me and everyone else giggle. im glad you are a part of the group and i hope to have you around in my life for a long time :)

i could go on forever about these specific goons i adore them all so much i am forever amazed at their kindness, how easy to get along with everyone is, how we can all joke without anyone ever going too far, its such a safe happy place, we all support each other so much and im so so happy it was such an inclusive progressive sexy show that bought us all together

(and everyone else im mutuals with or speak with idc if weve spoken one time i love you and smile when i see you all on my tl and being giddy in gcs, i hope i can put out the vibes that u guys provide me with bc you all deserve it)

no more sappy soup i will now return to being mysterious and cool (/lie)

[rickytickychow]

in defense of Unity (my favorite hive mind not the shitty game engine company)

so a lot of people are a little bothered by how pushy Unity was, and that's absolutely valid. However I saw it a bit differently. I think it takes a LOT for someone to be concerned for Rick's very life, given that he is in the business of putting it in danger regularly.

Unity knows Rick. Like *knows* knows him. Thus, she knows he "almost dies" as a hobby. So what's different about him going after Prime Rick? Why was it so urgent?

Now this is pure speculation on my part, but I'm guessing that Prime didn't almost kill him. Given how badly broken up he was over the mere breakup with Unity itself, I can imagine the quest to find Prime drove him mad enough to do some crazy shit; be it by hopelessness or recklessness. In any case, Unity knows that since he isn't picking up, this guy it has a lot of history with may very well be dead. What better way to get a response than create a situation where he's guaranteed to show up? Especially considering he "almost died" right after their previous meeting and all Unity seems to have heard since is hearsay, it kinda has reason to be afraid. It likely went months without news (or however long in spacetime they waited).

If Unity, the flame of a man whose whole schtick is cheating death, is concerned that he might be dead, it's real concern. I don't judge any other interpretation but personally I can forgive Unity for this one. If a close friend of mine was like "stay TF away from my house" I'd also respect that until he was rumoured to be doing historically self-destructive shit.

Yes Unity broke a boundary, but the episode showed us that that Rick was learning to enforce those in a healthy way. It's a realistic plot point for them; people break boundaries a lot in real life sadly and it's important that mending them is shown even if there's not complete forgiveness on either side right away. Rick is right when he says "I NEED BOUNDARIES," but screaming at his granddaughter and stonewalling someone with genuine intentions aren't gonna help him feel confident those.

Wong shouldn't have been invalidating about it but her assertiveness is the way she gets to Rick; it's comedic even though obviously IRL therapists who play devil's advocate are the actual devil. Rick is, with all my love and care and respect to the blorbo, Actually the Devil as well, so Strip Mall Therapist clicks. Wong seems to understand Rick.

Rick had his reasons but still, a singular response and Unity would not have gone to Virginia at all. Unity's action was not justified yeah but it was proportional to the situation from its pov. Rick is reckless, he doesn't give a *fuck*, or so he'd have everyone believe. Wong is poignant enough to make him see that the act isn't worth it, and in turn helps Rick reconsider his avoidant behavior.

The "huge problem" was less Rick's ghosting (spite is not healthy in large amounts but like I Get It) and more the president's fault imo but Rick maybe should have let Unity know he wasn't dead. Had he calmed down and talked it out immediately when he got to Virginia it would have been a much easier release for them both, which is what I think Wong meant.

I am really happy with the last couple episodes tbh they've brought a lotta levity to the show while keeping the dark undertones and setting up themes for the rest of the season. So glad to have Unity back in the show, their relationship with C-137 is so interesting to me.

[puyoginge]

What's been going on with me.

3 years later I’ve decided to resurrect my Tumblr because it is my sanctuary and the social media ever. I disbanded twitter because it makes me angry all the time and for the sake of preserving my dwindling adult sanity. lol.

You may remember me from my few posts under the username yaboinate28. very 2018 lol. I posted a lot of trans / general mental health relatable stuff to manage my struggle with gender dysphoria and hopefully connect with others who felt the same as me. If you want to get a taste of what's been going on since then then please do read on below!! (TW mental health stuff)

WHY I LEFT

Some time in 2020 I purged all my trans posts, removing all my incentive to return to this new decade apocalypse of a site. I guess was feeling really insecure about the discordance between my Tumblr open-transness (??) and my irl extreme stealth thang. I was chronically worried about people from my real life finding my account basically. 

Much of my stuff was very Tumblr cringe and probably stuff you’ve seen before but there were a couple of self help posts that were actually insanely good resources for coping with gender dysphoria (particularly in the early stages of social transition) which I seriously regret deleting. I remember a lot of my memes “blowing up” which made me feel really special and like I could contribute something to the world. As a young teenager struggling with self harm and severe depression as well as navigating my life within a home that outright rejected my trans identity, my Tumblr was my lifeline, the people I met made me feel hopeful for the future, and seeing people reblog with “I needed to hear this” or “thanks so much for posting” meant everything to me.

But its important for me to address that I’m not the person I was back then, !!and whilst I'll be attempting to find and repost some of those self help resources!!, I probably won’t be posting about my trans experience much anymore other than within this entry. But please please reach out if you need someone who’s been through it to talk to. I’d love to support you however i can!! I’m only a message away. 

LIFE STUFF

Since 2019 my attitude on life has changed a lot and whilst coping with my mental health issues are still a daily hurdle, I’ve found myself a groove in which to sit and ride the wave. Essentially I’m managing and I’m happy and able to maintain a positive outlook on life, which is good. Additionally, with time my family have softened to my trans identity. Its not perfect, but I’m not at risk. I love my family and I don’t blame them for their actions, I’m just taking it slow. 

Passed my GCSES with flying colours, passed my A-levels with regular colours, and I'm going to uni. Life has continued and its good. And whilst I would rather eat my own shit than go back and relive the days when my mum had to force me me out the door to get me to go to school, I made it through every last day. That's fucking badass, and tbh I'm pretty resilient now because of it lol.

I guess my point is (crass warning) see the joy in what you have. Take life day by day. Don’t let yourself take the easy route, because then you’ll learn how fucking strong you are. And you are stronger than you think even if all your cards are stacked against you.

TRANSITION STUFF

Since the last time we spoke I’ve legally transitioned, and am (at the time of writing) dealing with the initial admin of medical transition. I’ve been speaking regularly with a gender specialist therapist for 2 years. more recently I’ve been exploring my gender expression with my new found freedom. AND I’m in a relationship with someone who is beautiful and kind and couldn’t be more supportive of me (I adore them). And.... I’m still as stealth as ever. Just as resistant to say “yAYYyy i’m trAns!!!” as I’ve always been. I fucking love it. Some things never change lol. As I said family are being dragged by the tail along with me and have warmed to the whole thing. Support is not the word, but acceptance is pretty apt. They both realise it’s always been “me” at this point and that's enough for the time being.

WHO I AM NOW

I’m now an adult (wtf so surreal????) I have allowed my passion for retro gaming to flourish, recently got super fucking into rhythm games, developed a healthy collection of games and consoles which I may post about perhaps. Resurrected my love for anime, particularly dumb slice of life shows and Madoka Magica (all hail you beautiful broken masterpiece of infinite spinoff potential)

I found my interest in psychology (wowwww surprise!!) Got a job, found some friends, told some people a long overdue fuck off. And rounded myself into a much more open minded person than I used to be.

I couldn’t care less how many people read this, mainly I’m doing it for me. To provide myself a clean slate and stuff. But if you do read this, and you used to enjoy my silly little posts or find them helpful or whatever: I hope you’re well, I’m glad you stuck around and I hope you stay :)

[astraltrickster]

You know there IS a lot to be said about how social media favors simplifying information into short bites and the algorithms are very much preying on the human tendency to be drawn to sensational takes and rapid-fire dopamine hits but some of you take that criticism and just veer hard into being really ableist about ADHD, like - not everyone who gets bored and understimulated easily and has to really struggle to stay engaged with things that don't immediately hook them and might want to avoid that struggle as much as possible in their leisure time after having to do it all fucking day at work or school has "TikTok brain poisoning".

But, in fact, fuck it, I'm gonna take it a step further and say, if anything we should be wrapping this into the conversation about how the environment is disabling people - physically and mentally - and then blaming and exploiting them for being disabled. Yeah, actual ADHD may have a known genetic cause and understood neurological mechanism, but...as an adult with ADHD, who does love the curb cut effect, I do catch myself wondering if this current wave of ADHD/autism "curb cuts" is really just because the things that are growing more popular are just near-universally beneficial, or if it's partially because this online environment is actually inducing ADHD/autism-adjacent traits in more people through actual, literal, clinical addiction. Which we ALSO shouldn't be ableist about!

And no, I don't mean this in the "WE MUST STOP SOCIAL MEDIA IT IS A PLAGUE BEING DISABLED IS A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH" kind of way, and anyone who treats this that way will catch a block and these hands. I don't even know for sure whether it's really happening, or just an illusory effect of those traits being more okay to talk about and having more spaces to see people's mostly unfiltered thoughts - though the political landscape irl, election results and the like, do seem to imply to me that it's at least a little bit of both.

We do not appreciate enough that the quick and easily accessible dopamine hits generated by social media can become a literal, physiological addiction. Like, this is the actual, literal chemical pathway by which addiction happens. Yet, unlike other potentially addictive things, at this point in our culture, you are, at best, considered a social pariah if you're between the ages of 11-65 and don't use social media at least somewhat regularly, and at worst it can actually materially harm your career prospects to abstain.

I honestly suspect there's a lot of overlap between symptoms of ADHD (and some autistic traits, for that matter) and symptoms of clinical social media addiction, and this predatory, potentially addictive use of social media algorithms, especially in the post-No Child Left Behind education environment leaving people with limited tools to question misinformation and spot baseless sensationalism...much like overwork-related burnout, genuinely strikes me as a mental parallel to how we're "handling" covid: demand that people live in the environment that can cause an acquired disability, and then when someone gets it, either deny that it's a problem (long covid is "just something you have to push through, it's normal to still be tired after getting sick", burnout from overwork is "just buy this nice home spa product and you'll be fine tomorrow", and loss of attention span and new sensory-seeking behaviors are at best "oh everyone gets like that sometimes" and at worst "well maybe you're just stupid"), or when that's impossible, blame the person experiencing the problem ("well you should have worn your mask and sanitized your hands more! You did? You should have worn a better mask! You couldn't afford it? You should have budgeted better!" or "well you should have taken care of yourself better before it got to this point!" or "well you should just put that damned phone down sometimes, it's easy!").

And holy fucking shit, even in disabled spaces, we STILL treat addicts like shit. There's this horrible, pervasive attitude that they don't really count, because they brought their problems on themselves by engaging with the thing in the first place when they should have known the risks (unlike the guy who lost a limb in an extreme sports accident, that's totally different*).

(*Note that I recognize that there are tons of abled people - and even some disabled people - who absolutely would also blame this theoretical guy as a reason to discredit them, but I'm talking about a specific brand of individual hypocrisy I have seen many times within the disabled community, anyone who reads this as "yeah! NO ONE would say that about someone with a PHYSICAL disability!" - after reading the previous paragraph no less - can also catch a block and these hands. The fact that some people would be equally ghoulish about both doesn't take away the fact that enough people do carry that double standard to make a significant impact.)

In fact, even if I'm 100% wrong and there is no even semi-common problem with clinical social media addiction...we very much do use that very same anti-addict victim-blaming template to demonize victims of predatory online fuckery anyway. "It's your own fault because you just refuse to put down the damned phone." Because it's so easy to break a habit, let alone an addiction, right? And of course, you end up victimized by disinformation and predatory marketing practices because you know better. [/sarcasm]

What people need is coping strategies, not shame, because shame doesn't magically make people stop being disabled or having symptoms of a disability, but coping strategies can help make those traits and symptoms a lot less distressing and exploitable, whether they're innate or induced.

Tl;dr: Yeah, the companies behind the major social media platforms ARE a plague, now stop using that as an excuse to be ableist, forgetting what the real problem is, and crying about how Idiocracy was a documentary.

[caphayzardous]

things r fine just debriefing a short convo into a huge poste

caved and asked one of my damage-informed (and also reasonable-inquiry) questions through text. you can't imagine how much I don't like to take serious topics into text format, hate Getting Weird Over Text, but a) this qn always feels so unimportant in-person, yet haunts me semi-regularly when I'm alone. had told myself several times I'd just get it out of the way IRL only to be like 'psh, nah'. and b) due to recent propensity for crying - and also non-recent perpetuity of crying at ANY serious moment - I felt that just this once text was safer than IRL for keeping things sensible.

it went fine (I say that now, we'll see if my lover is actually waiting to follow it up with an honourable in-person "Call It Off Because You Were Weird", but I don't THINK that's it). I somehow got an answer very very close to the Fear Outcome but in a way that I feel okay about?

Basically confirmed what I already know. this is all re: some near-arbitrary semantics of the relationship, basically that we are dating (sike did you all think I officially worked that out before valentines, like I said I would? I did not. but I did become more confident in that truth, before this recent upset. it is a relief to have this confirmed actually tho) BUT we are not 'partners'/in a serious relationship.

if that sounds weird to you. well yeah. this is what I mean by arbitrary semantics and nebulous areas. "we are lovers and we are friends and we've been going on dates for 6 months but it's not...?" anyway, however bizarre that sounds, it feels good to me and is about what I expected and wanted.

even though: its close to what I feared, too, separated only by the nature and details of the conversation. honestly I think it just makes a difference to me to hear "lover" "friend" "date" rather than cut-and-dry "friends with benefits" though try explaining the actual difference there?? it Feels different. to me at least lmfao, there may be less distinction to her, but by god she has the tact not to say so. I think it just affirms that my soft little feelings, are okay as they are. are not entirely misplaced, even though they wont go any further. I did not have illusions about her feelings but mine are still being looked after, yeah.

think also this whole thing just feels different to... you know... the past situation that recently re-haunts me (do you know that came to a crux about this time of year as well...? and with the impending end of things, I became so scared that it would all twist up the same way). probably the fact that things are being communicated at all makes a world of difference dont you think adchsbsj!!! like it may be late in the game to re-affirm these details, but it's happening at a decent and safer moment. in that past exp, the relationship exploded in a bad way and SIMULTANEOUSLY I found out that we were not even dating... according to them. so you can see why I might be hung up what counts as dating or not.

Im not asking for love, I just wanted to know Im not being made a complete fool of (again).

talking about this always feels like Im going to get y'all saying 'oh, bri...' because I Know how it reads still (yes I am a fool all round).

I will keep an eye on myself. In that same past exp I made the mistake of convincing myself I was ok with certain things like this, only to subsequently have really volatile and opposite feelings about it. sometimes I can tamp down distress with the cool detachment of logic but ofc that bitch comes back UP, you know? so I will keep an eye on myself here to see if I'm ACTUALLY still good with this situation as it stands, or if I'm just Trying to be good with it.

a lot of blog post to say: things are alright. my chest has been aching the last few days since it got into my head that there are parallels with the past. but it finally stopped hurting, and my heartrate finally settled, after speaking with them about it - I feel soft and safe again. so I think it's safe to say it's a good outcome. I feel I can separate it from the past again.

hope we can still stick the landing and get the 'good ending' when she leaves aus and we stay friends after hehe. I believe!! I believe!! I dont want this damage to take that ending from me!

might delete this'n its a mess but wanted to get it out thx if u read lmfao

[freezethebeez]

If I may ask, what’s a written description of how catalyst!ranboo would look like? (Or catalyst!tubbo) thinking about drawing them two :-}

i– like, actually pogged irl when i read this ask. the idea of someone reading my fics and making fanart of it has genuinely been a dream of mine so this is actually so freaking cool to me :D

-> any links for references will take you to either tumblr or pinterest

ranboo's description:

physique: tall and lanky. he's very timid looking and usually hunched over a little (his posture is so bad). when he's just kinda Standing There, his arms are usually tucked into himself like a t-rex, limp wrists n all. he's a meek looking guy. physique reference here.

face: his eyes are different colours, red on his right and green on his left. his skin is also two different colours that split down the middle, though the line where they meet isn't perfectly straight. his right side is pure white and his left side is a cool, dark grey. he's got a sharp jawline and slightly hollowed out cheeks. his eyes are sunken in a bit as well. his lips match the colour of his skin, the pigments splitting down the middle as well. his fangs poke out of his lips when he is hungry. all the features of his face look human. face structure reference here. colour palette reference here. 

hands: i'm only separating this part for ranboo because his hands are a little more important. he has soft, elegant looking hands with long fingers and long, sharp fingernails. his right hand is white and his left hand is a dark grey (again, to match his skin tone). his nails are coloured accordingly. reference.

hair: he has short, wavy hair that is also coloured to match his skin– white on his right, black on his left. hairstyle reference here.

attire: he normally wears a suit (references here), but feel free to dress him in whatever you want (other outfit inspo 1, 2, 3).

tubbo's description:

physique: he's short (5'5" or 165cm) and appears a bit thinner due to a lack of food, though you normally can't tell anywhere besides his face. he stands casually with slightly hunched shoulders and feet about shoulder-width apart. physique reference here (<- refer to tommy)

face: his eyes are a dark greenish-blue and a light scar covers the right half of his face. his skin tone is the same as the one he has in game, and the scar tends to run a little darker. the scar is mostly healed. he has small freckles dotted across his nose and cheeks. his face is usually curved downwards into a slight frown, though it softens around those he trusts. facial reference here. 

hair: his hair is brown, short-medium length, and curly. his bangs cover most of eyes, though he does part it around his eyes so he can see better. he needs a haircut :[ hair reference here.

attire: he regularly wears a brown leather jacket with fur around the neckline and hems (reference here). beneath the jacket, he wears a faded green t-shirt with a few darker stains on them. he wears dark blue jeans and dark brown leather boots. again, feel free to dress him however you'd like (other outfit inspo 1, 2, 3).

i am by no means a visual artist, so the references i’ve left may not be optimal, but i hope they can at least help you visualize things just a little bit better in case my words can’t quite suffice. 

now, as many references as i put in, still feel free to take any creative liberties you want to!! simply use this post as a guideline, and add or take away any details as you wish. i'm interested to see where you take things :D

if you ever end up drawing them, please please please either tag me or send me the work privately. i'm super stoked to see it :DDD

[colemckenzies]

hi sorry to bother you but do you have any advice on how to make friends in your 20s? seeing you happy and enjoying your friendship group is so good and wholesome and everything i kind of want out of my life lol <3 any advice appreciated!

aw this is so nice!!!

i mean the biggest impetus for me was moving to a new city where i knew literally not a single person and then living alone in said city, so i had no choice but to go out and meet people like there was nothing else i could do. and i will say it has been really hard, particularly as i work full-time and study part-time, and have been recovering from some Stuff that happened in 2020, and even now it's sometimes A Lot because it does take me a solid 5 years of knowing someone before I'm like Yes Okay We Are For Real Friends And I Can Be Myself With You lol. but it has also been really gratifying and i do always recommend getting out there and connecting w people irl!!!

i obviously don't know what you're situation is or how much it aligns w my experience but with that said here are my Top Tips:

apps. when i first moved i met most people my age through Bumble BFF which is a bit cringe and awkward but it was a great starting point, it basically kick-started my entire social life bc you know that the people on it are ALSO actively looking for friends (literally the first person i met was so invested that they threw loads of networking events for everyone they had met and started a groupchat and i met a lot of people that way). also tinder lmao the two people i talk to/hang out with most are both people i met on tinder it's a great way to specifically roll with the el gee bee tees

clubs/societies. personally i find clubs really hard to commit to (see the work/uni time commitment lol i just get too tired) but the thing to remember is you don't have to do them forever. i joined all sorts of groups for a few months, and then when there were people there i really liked (who i knew shared an interest in whatever thing it was) i just stayed in contact with them. and then obviously if you really like a group you can keep doing it (i still do theatre and LOVE literally everyone there). these groups are good as well because they really cultivate Local Community investment in particular and i think it's important to interact w people from different backgrounds/age groups you wouldn't necessarily be Friends with but like they ARE your local community

community centres/local businesses. like that tiktok that says about Just Show Up Somewhere Regularly, like this could be going to your favourite coffee shop/community space and then just keeping an eye out for who else is always there at the same time as you, but ALSO could be more active than that. most of my main friend group are big contributors to the local queer arts scene and organise events w the local arts centre/pubs/etc so don't be afraid to ask your local institutions what's going on or if you can volunteer. again i think actively investing in local community is really key here and provides you a wide net to rely on and full of more individuals you can meet one-on-one

group chats are your friend. i love a groupchat these days i used to hate friendship groups in school bc it was so cliquey and required so much maintenance and ive always preferred hanging out with people one-on-one (still do) but now im in sooo many groupchats and it's nice if i have a free evening and feel like doing something and i can just post 'hey is anyone free' and then people r free and sometimes they will bring people THEY know and then i meet more people.

reddit. was not expecting this to be a thing and i only had an account for a very short while but my city's subreddit was SO useful when i first moved for finding out about events/clubs that weren't advertised elsewhere and getting local insider info. i personally didn't meet anyone this way but i know they did organise meet-ups and have a CITY DISCORD SERVER so that may work for u if your city has something like that lmao

be open to making friends. with the above said as ways to meet people u have to be willing to actually make friends with people!! in my town instagram seems to be the main way to low-committal connect w people so i made a public account and now whenever i meet the vaguest stranger at an event who seems cool im like oh yeah let's follow each other lol. say yes when people invite you places and be willing to invite other people to hang out if you think you would be friends! a good way to bridge the gap between Acquaintances and Friends is to tell the acquaintance abt something you're doing anyway so then it's no pressure. like if you're part of a local group (see point 2) or going to an event (see point 3) just be like 'oh I'll be at this thing maybe see you there!' and then if they are there you can talk to them more and if you do this enough times you are now friends. or just in general be willing to (casually) do nice things for people even if it might seem a bit weird like when I got new neighbours i put my phone number through their letterbox in case they needed anything i got someone i didn't know That well a gift just because it was something specific they'd been talking about i thought they would like i saw someone on instagram say they loved handwritten letters so i asked if they minded sharing their address - as long as you're polite and not pushy about it and don't mind if people just ignore it then it's nice!

cast a wide net. as u may have noted from the above points lol i think it mostly comes down to meeting EVERYONE and being open to EVERYTHING and not putting too much pressure on anything or anyone in particular so that you will just organically get closer with the people you're supposed to get close with and nothing is forced. its great to find your Platonic Soulmate or w/e but you do also just need a certain base level of socialisation and u gotta work with what you have. if you just assume that most human beings you interact with on a day to day basis are kind people with good intentions not only does life feel a lot easier but it's easier to remember that you are just Someone Who Lives In A Place and so are they and it's all fine.

think about people you already know. obviously it's great when you really Click with someone and meeting new people is refreshing and interesting but is there anyone you already know nearby who you've never been Friends friends with but you get on and could see yourself being friends if you actually invested time in it? reach out!! i think this is esp good bc as much as personality is a factor in friends never underestimate the power of just Knowing Their Name For A Long Time lmao. shared reference points in your history are huge even if you didn't actually talk to them at the time those reference points happened.

still take time for yourself. obviously the above takes a lot of time and energy and emotional effort and it's taken me over a year to get to the point that im at. sometimes it's really hard because i will have plans literally every day of the week and ive met so many people i COULD be friends with and then i feel guilty bc i haven't seen X person for three months lol. but i think it's nice to know that you COULD meet up with someone and invest in any one of those friendships you have but instead you are going to Choose to spend the weekend by yourself bc you are an individual WITHIN this large web of interconnected people and u still exist the whole time. like at the end of the day i am still in fact an introvert and when im with people i don't know that well i still mask a lot so i do need to take time to be by myself sometimes! and everyone is fine w that !

[toadkisses]

alistairs years in review continued

when we left off, i had quit my job because it sucked and i was having some real mental health struggles because of it. at this point in the story, i am still unemployed and living at home. spoiler alert, at the time of writing this, i am ALSO still unemployed and living at home! but a lot happened in between these two unemployment bits so let us continue.

in may of 2021, my irl friends and i got together for the first time since february of 2020. i was glad to see them of course, and especially glad to see rose, since i had been wanting to talk to her.

we had all regularly voice called on discord, often for multiple hours at a time at least 3 nights a week. and during that time, i became more and more aware of some romantic tension between rose and myself.

rose and i met in high school, when i was a junior and she was a senior. well, we actually met two years prior, in an art class. but that only sort of counts because we were both too shy to talk to each other even though we were the only ones at our table. this is somewhat prophetic now that i think about it.

anyway! rose and i had mutual friends, so when we ate together at lunch or hung out before the first bell, so off the bat i just assumed that meant we were friends too, haha. rose remembers liking the frog i would bring with me to school every day. we did wind up getting along well, and stayed in touch even after i wound up being moved to homeschooling like i did every school year, and after she graduated.

in 2019, we watched lord of the rings along with another friend. and it made me start thinking about being transmasc, and made her start thinking that maybe she liked men, and wasnt a lesbian. we held each other and cried while frodo and sam lay there on mount doom and our third friend asked what was happening to the hobbits.

unbeknownst to me, rose was planning on telling me that she had feelings for me in january of 2020, but some personal events made it so we didn’t actually see each other irl around then. and then of course, we didn’t see each other for another year because of the pandemic! my poor girlfriend. 😭

from my point of view, rose was my best friend who i thought was really pretty and funny and warm, and who i felt extra tenderly towards. she was the stable presence i really needed during the aforementioned irl events. sometimes i would accidentally think about us having sex, but then i’d shove it out of my head because it seemed a little rude to imagine that with my best friend! and if i felt a little jealous and left out when she’d mention dating someone, then that just must be because i had never dated anyone myself and felt left out!

i very occasionally had crushes on people in middle and high school, but never pursued them. not to get too deep into my backstory, but i am not familiar with being somebody’s favorite person or first choice, even among friends. im familiar with being sexually harassed, but not with someone being actually romantically interested in me with good intentions. all this to explain that i had no experience acting on romantic feelings or even how to really identify them.

but after hundreds of hours of voice calls, i did start to have an inkling that rose might have feelings for me. stuff like how she has never been a fan of dogs, but she mentioned how she’d be willing to get along with them if the person she was with liked them, etc. and it made want to figure out how i felt about her.

i have journal entries from this time that i’ve shown her where i talk about how i didn’t know how to tell what i was feeling, but that i was concerned about if we dated, what if i would be using her to figure myself out? which concerned me because she’s my very dear precious friend and i would never want to hurt her if i figured out “no actually im not interested in women, thanks for helping me learn that!”

i knew i needed to talk to her though when, as a group, we all compared star sign compatibility. and of course someone made the joke that whoever had the best compatibility had to start dating! and wouldn’t you know, rose and i had a STELLAR (haha) chart!

like im not super into astrology but check it. anyway i could tell that she was a little flustered so i knew i needed to talk to her because i didnt want her to be anxious.

and about a week later, we all had our vaccinations and some of us finally met up irl. i have very detailed journal entries about this day because i knew it would be something i’d want to have later in my life. i sat next to rose at the coffee shop we went to, was very pleased that she rode next to me in my car, we broke off from the group and walked around the craft store together. and i was glad when she asked me to drop her off last, since i knew we could talk then.

and once everyone else had been ferried home, i parked in her driveway and she told me she had an ulterior motive for asking to be dropped off last, and she wanted to talk to me! perfect as i’d been hoping for the same thing.

and she mentioned lord of the rings and the revelations we had at the time, and that she had feelings for me, but it’s okay if i don’t return them. and i got emotional because “i don’t know how i feel but i wish i did so i could be with you”. of course, i now know that wishing you knew what romantic feelings were so you could date someone is an indication of romantic feelings!

she was really really kind and patient and understanding. and she said that if i wound up not feeling the same, it would be okay, because she loves me and loves being my friend. which of course made me feel really loved and i suggested we try kissing and see how it feels! and we did like five quick little pecks and laughed and i was still like “i don’t want to take advantage of you” and she encouraged me to think a little and we could see each other the following day and visit.

we talked more on voice chat with everyone later that night and were all giddy, i asked a different friend for advice in private. and the next day i went over to her house where it was just the two of us alone in the house, to watch one of our mutual favorite movies, THE PRINCESS BRIDE, which in retrospect is a VERY romantic movie for people who have not confirmed that they’re dating yet.

our expectations going into this were very different though, quite humorously. rose was preoccupied with making sure i didn’t feel like she was expecting me to have sex with her, because she’d never want to pressure me or make me uncomfortable. i went over thinking that the plan was that we would have sex, and was happy about this proposed activity.

and after the movie we had a little conversation about what we were comfortable with, and did wind up being intimate. which honest to god still makes me a little teary because it was my first time and it was such a gift to feel so safe and happy and cared for, i love this woman so much.

and after that was when we decided yes, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend. 💖

we were very sappy and unbearable! and still are, i suppose. :-) spoilers, but the 12 months that follow are ones that i could very well call the worst year of my life; except i cant, because they also had some of the best parts of my life so far because of her. 💖💖💖

it’s been really fun because i will think like “i love her so much i can’t possibly love her more”, and then time will pass and our relationship evolves more and i find that i CAN love her even more.

i have an amy lowell poem i really like that expresses the change from like exciting but still nervous to familiar but no less adoring

When you came, you were like red wine and honey, / And the taste of you burnt my mouth with its sweetness. / Now you are like morning bread, / Smooth and pleasant. / I hardly taste you at all for I know your savour, / But I am completely nourished.

we’ve gone on road trips and adventures together near and far. sharing things with her is the biggest joy in my life. my world is bigger with her in it. for the first time i am excited about what the future holds because i know she will be a part of it. she supports me when i need her and encourages me to support myself at the same time. i love making food or tea for her, or finding little gifts that i hope will delight her. i love when she falls asleep in my arms. i love doing her hair while we watch something and comment our thoughts and opinions back and forth. she makes me riotously happy.

i have not mentioned anything publicly, and i still don’t intend to give any details, but nine months ago we lost someone who was very, very, very dear to us in a very upsetting way. earth shattering is the closest words can come to describing it. in my very worst times i have wondered how grief like this is survivable, both literally and figuratively. but even when i was at the lowest i have ever been, when i felt like all i’ve ever done is tread water and am ready to just slip under; she’s been a rock on a sandbar. i can rest with her, i can find strength to keep swimming. i adore her.

she’s my favorite person.

next installment will include my hrt diaries and dreadful medical saga!

[anxiolycious]

Hey, Im Nathaniel (among other names) and Im here to not interact with people so much as collect posts and genders and stuff.

some about:

+ ive been on this site since 2012, i have seen Everything, I will not be engaging in discourse, especially if you are younger than me. I aint got time or energy to waste on that. Just block me if you don't wanna see me, please.

+ im intersex, genderqueer, bigenderflux, catgender, xenofluix, femme, and other things. I unite all things. I am man and woman, both and neither, human and inhuman, gay and lesbian and bi, aro and ace and allo and quoi, binary and nonbinary. Unity in contradiction is my thing.

+ IRL people have no idea what gender I am. They just know Im a gender queer. I regularly get the "i cant tell which way you're transitioning" thing from both cis and trans people. This has unique effects on my experience of being in public. The TMA/TME binary is a spook.

+ I have seen and lived a lot of things that this site's discourse isn't prepared to address. If my lived experience doesn't match what you expect, please do me the courtesy of believing that Im telling the truth.

+ Im light skinned and mixed Appalachian "poor white" and West Asian/Judean. I currently live in the US. Mixed race and indigenous issues are important to me as I reconnect while on someone else's land.

+ im cripplepunk af and have been since Ty was still with us (may his memory be a blessing) and it changed my life a lot.

+ Im a drag king/thing IRL and very increasingly involved with my local queer and kink communities. None of that extremely online stuff here.

+ Ive identified with transness since I learned I could at 14, but I've never really had an "i thought i was cis" period of my life. I've been transitioning/detransitioning/retransitioning for over a decade, and have been on and off HRT of various kinds, had no nipples top surgery, a total hysto, and am on my way to salmacian bottom surgery by the end of October 2022.

+ I keep tarantulas and isopods and a ball python! I love bugs and exotic animals and critters. Please show me critters!

+ Im married to one of my sysmates, in a triad with some others, live with my QPP of 5 years and their system, and am in long distance relationships with another system for 5 years as well.

+ If you think you know me, no you don't. I just wanna have a little anon sideblog for gender hoarding. Pls don't recognize me based on my life details lol

[gentlemanthiief]

MOBILE RULES

NAME.  Moe Loogham AGE.  24 BIRTHDAY.  September 25 PRONOUNS.  She/Her  FACECLAIMS.  Rose Quartz, Death, Deadpool RP EXPERIENCE.  10+ Years (8+ on Tumblr) DISCORD.  available to mutuals on request

Hello!  Thank you for taking the time to look over my rules. I know it’s a lot, but I’ve done my best to condense them and break them up into sections for ease of reference. If you have any questions about any of my rules, please feel free to reach out to me.

Full disclosure, I do not expect my followers to remember all of my rules at all times. The most important points will be bolded and/or italicized, and REPEATED offenses will result in unfollowing/soft blocking.

THIS BLOG USES THE BETA EDITOR

SECTION 1. Blog Etiquette & Activity

This blog is PRIVATE, SELECTIVE, AND MUTUAL'S ONLY AND 21+ (with VERY FEW EXCEPTIONS) which means I do not follow unless I am interested in writing with you. If I follow your blog, it means I have read your rules and muse bio(s) at the very least! I do not send in passwords, but if you have a post that you would like to direct followers to when they've read your rules, I will like it.

I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO DELETE/IGNORE ASKS FROM MUTUALS AND NON-MUTUALS ALIKE! This is mostly out of precaution, and would primarily be done in cases that violate privacy or cause discomfort.

I will only thread with other Roleplay/Ask blogs. Sideblogs are fine, but if your main blog is a personal, please let me know and tell me your sideblog url! If you RP off of your personal, I will not follow/thread with you.

THIS BLOG IS LOW - MEDIUM ACTIVITY. I do try my very best to be active at least once a week, but due to my depression and a lot of irl stress I have a very limited amount of energy to spend on writing. Longer replies can take up to a few weeks for me to get to sometimes. Please be patient with me, and I promise the same courtesy is already extended to you.

SECTION 2. Shipping & Exclusivity

THIS ENTIRE SECTION IS VERY IMPORTANT. PLEASE READ IT CAREFULLY, AND FEEL FREE TO ASK ME IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING.

I am perfectly open to shipping both sfw and nsfw situations. However, shipping is not the sole purpose of this blog. Regardless of canon, fanon, personal preference or otherwise, unless we have spoken previously about it, AKIRA WILL NEVER BE AUTOMATICALLY SHIPPED WITH YOUR MUSE.

For ANY case, I ship chemistry. If your muse doesn't click with mine, that's totally fine. I am also open to one-sided or unrequited ships, but please don't try to force a ship on me, and DO NOT FOLLOW ME IF SHIPPING IS THE ONLY THING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR OUT OF OUR THREADS.

This blog is absolutely OCxCanon friendly. I love hearing about OCs and seeing the depth and complexity that has been put into them. However: if your OC has little to no information/development, or if their sole priority is getting to flirt with my muse, please do not interact. I've been through 10+ years on tumblr and had too many experiences in the past with blogs whose existence is purely based around wanting to bang my muse. This rule especially applies to Canon characters as well. It really grates on me. It's nothing personal, and writing only gets better with practice. But I have to really put my foot down on this one.

I will only ship with your muse after discussing it out of character. IC flirting is the only exception to this, but do not get angry if Akira does not respond the way you want him to.

I don't want to have to put that here, but it's happened to me too many times before and it's an uncomfortable situation for everyone involved. Please don't do it.

On this blog I DO NOT PRACTICE EXCLUSIVITY. In certain circumstances however, my muse may reference yours in a thread that may not involve them. This is HIGHLY situational and verse dependent.

Lastly, I value the mun behind the muse for all my RP partners, and I am ultimately here to make friends as well as create wonderful stories. MUNS THAT I SPEAK WITH REGULARLY OOC WILL HAVE TOP PRIORITY FOR THREADS. That isn’t to say I expect my mutuals to talk to me frequently, but I know myself well enough to know that I tend to develop higher muse for threads with people who are mutually invested in the story and who interact and plot with me. 

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I am over 21 years old, and NSFW can and will happen on this blog, however I will always keep anything that contains NSFW under a "read more" cut for the sake of any followers who are not comfortable with seeing NSFW content.

I am comfortable with most NSFW topics. I absolutely WILL NOT write about pedophilia or incest, and definitely WILL NOT RP SEXUAL SITUATIONS WITH MINORS OR PEOPLE WHO I HAVE NOT SHARED CONSENT WITH. This is for my safety as well as those who I interact with. I'm trying to get into grad school, not jail.

I will try to tag triggers accordingly as they appear, under the tw;; tag. Triggering content that MAY appear on this blog include:

Abuse

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If you've made it this far, I would really appreciate if you would like this post to let me know you've read and understood all my rules. If you are not comfortable doing so, that's fine! It's really just to help me know people cared enough to go through the whole list. :) It's not at all an obligation, but it would be really awesome.

Despite the fact I am comfortable with NSFW, I prefer to be comfortable with the other mun as a person before agreeing to write these topics with you. I am not obligated to write NSFW with anyone.

[sundayswiththeilluminati]

I LOVE your meta on how essek was the perfect asset and want to ask the follow-up question in your tags: how do you think it went down? The agreement between Essek and the Assembly? And I think the fandom was convinced Essek would be disposed of after the peace talks — how do you see his future if there was no intervention by the Mighty Nein in 97?

ruvi-muffin asked:

What are your specific thoughts abt how ludinus recruited essek??👀👀 oh Person who knows a surprising amount of spy stuff 🙏🙏🙏👀👀👀

Anonymous asked:

PLEASE share your specific thoughts about how Essek was recruited, I'm so intrigued!

Anonymous asked:

Hello yes i am very interested in these very specific thoughts about how Essek got recruited? All these things about how actual intelligence works/uses their assets/how that ties to Essek and the M9 is really interesting :D

Thank you all so much for asking me the specific question I wanted someone to ask. I had to write and rewrite this post a half-dozen times because I kept going off on tangents about other Cold War spy stories so trust me there’s plenty more where this came from.

For reference, my original post on what made Essek an ideal recruitment target and why the M9 were the ideal counter to it.

First off, this is all based on real-world intelligence ops and is only as relevant to the campaign as Matt Mercer cares to make it. Having said that *slams notebook on table* BUCKLE UP, KIDDOS.

There are two ways Essek may have been recruited: he approached the Assembly or the Assembly approached him. I think the Assembly approached him. Not to be too hard on the guy, but Essek said it himself: he’s kind of a coward. I can’t see him mustering up the nerve to take that first step. Plus his espionage seems to have focused specifically on the beacons rather than dunamancy as a whole; that sounds like the Assembly to me. The beacons specifically offer the prospect of immortality and the Cerberus mages are arrogant enough to assume they can figure out dunamancy themselves if they have a beacon in hand. There’s no way the Assembly haven’t been trying to beg, borrow, or steal those beacons for centuries. Essek may not have even been their first try - just the first that worked. 

Chronologically, Essek would have popped up on either the Assembly or the Augen Trust’s radar quite early as I assume they keep tabs on all powerful Dynasty mages. As they followed his career, the Assembly would have ID’d Essek as a perfect target for recruitment as a spy, and then further for ego-based recruitment. Recruitment for espionage is a slow process - even slower in a fantasy world where some races reasonably expect to live 500+ years. Many intelligence agencies will do a sort of light meet-and-greet just to start a file on various people who might years later be of interest. The Assembly would have cultivated Essek as an intelligence asset with the same degree of time and care - and using some of the same methods - that Trent used to turn the Blumenthal trio into assassins. 

If they followed a modern playbook, they would have made contact with Essek anywhere from 2 to 10 years before the theft - nothing underhanded. A Cerberus mage approaches him at a negotiation or conference and strikes up a conversation. Then it’s increasing “chance” encounters to get Essek familiar with the handler, play the “we’re both mages, really we’re on the same side” angle to earn enough sympathy & trust to start talking regularly. Once the channel’s open, the handler and asset meet and/or talk routinely while the handler assesses the target’s motives, weaknesses, and the possibility that they’re a double agent. 

Espionage proper then starts with small favors, acts Essek can rationalize as victimless or even helpful to the Dynasty. In this stage the handler is getting the asset comfortable with engaging in espionage. They reward the asset for what feels like minimal moral trespass. For Essek that would have been praising his research, encouraging avenues of investigation they knew the Dynasty had shut down. Having meetings with Ludinus plays right into the ego trip - the Head of the Assembly himself is taking the time to meet with him! The Assembly gets how important this work is! That keeps Essek isolated from Dynasty members who might convince him to take a step back and builds loyalty to the Assembly over the Dynasty.

Once an asset settles in, espionage becomes easier. Routines get established. Moral hurdles have been overcome. Now the asks get bigger and the rewards get sparser. The handler will suggest larger acts just to get the asset thinking about them, since the more they consider “just hypothetically” how to pull it off, the more likely it is they’ll do it. This is where the idea of stealing the beacons would get introduced (though of course it’s been the goal all along.) I’ll bet the Assembly hinted at all the study that could be done if they could just get to the beacons in person, constantly bemoaning the lack of access. By now Essek sees the Assembly as colleagues in arcane pursuits, kindred minds, unlike the boring, stuffy old mages of the Dynasty. Of course he could outwit the Dynasty’s security and get the beacons to the Assembly - he’s a prodigy, a genius, everyone says so. And it’s not like he was stealing all of them. The consecuted would be fine. Everyone would be fine.

None of this is intended to absolve Essek of personal responsibility. But it provides a context for his actions, and for why he might regret them so much even though he apparently did them willingly. Asset handlers are very, very good at drawing someone willing to commit minor transgressions into far greater crimes. Look at how Trent shaped Caleb, Astrid, and Eadwulf. He didn’t order them to execute their own parents on day one. He spent years coaxing, tempting, and coercing them into darker and darker crimes, letting them rationalize their own actions at each step, preying on the same vulnerabilities as Essek: isolation (separating the three from other students, telling them their work was secret), ambition (the promise of great arcane power, of shaping the Empire’s destiny), and ego (”we were going to keep the empire safe,” telling them they were gifted, they were chosen).

So how do IRL spies rationalize their actions? Those who spy for reasons of conscience or ideology have done the rationalizing ahead of time, but everyone else has to get there somehow. Some who spy for revenge tell themselves it’s what their superiors deserve, while others tell themselves everyone’s doing it. Some just need a lie to get started (most commonly about who they’re spying for), while others have to keep up the charade all along. Let’s look at a few cases similar to Essek’s that demonstrate just how slippery the slope can be.

Aldrich Ames, a long-term CIA officer slash double agent for the KGB, got suckered in by thinking he could control the situation and wasn’t really hurting anyone. Ames had chronic financial trouble related to excessive drinking & his wife’s lavish lifestyle and in 1985 came up with a plan: he would essentially con the KGB by selling them a minor amount of classified info that he deemed “virtually worthless.” In April he set up the exchange and the KGB paid him $50,000, enough to satisfy his immediate debts. But after actually doing it Ames said he felt he’d now crossed a line he couldn’t step back from, and continued to sell information to the Soviets. By the time he was caught he had, by his own admission, compromised “virtually all Soviet agents of the CIA.”

While some assets just need a lie to get started, others require a delicate dance of self-delusion. Col. George Trofimoff was an Army officer who ran the center where would-be Soviet defectors were assessed & questioned. Trofimoff, a Russian émigré at a young age, was chronically in debt. In 1969 he renewed his acquaintance with his stepbrother back in Russia, now a bishop in the Russian Orthodox Church, and began to pass secrets in return for money - but he and his stepbrother never framed the transactions as such. Trofimoff described their meetings as, “very informal. ... First, it was just a conversation between the two of us. He would ask my opinion on this and that--then, he would maybe ask me, 'Well, what does your unit think about it?' Or, 'What does the American government think about it?’” His compensation was similarly informal: “I said I needed money. ... And he says, 'I tell you what, I'll loan it to you.' So he gave me, I think, 5,000 marks and then, it wasn't enough, because I needed more. ... Then he says, 'Well, you know, I'll tell you what. You don't owe me any money. And if you need some more, I can give you some more. Don't worry about it. You're going to have to have a few things, this and that.' And this is how it started.” Trofimoff could pretend to himself that he wasn’t really spying - just having a chat with his stepbrother - and wasn’t really getting paid for it - just borrowing a little money.

This got longer than I intended it to be and there’s still plenty to talk about, so I’ll save the rest for a second post. Next time: what happens long-term to espionage assets? And what happens if an asset regrets their actions and/or attempts to cut off contact with their handlers?

(This accidentally turned into a series on Essek & IRL espionage: Parts 1, 2, 3, 4)

[xiaosstepstool]

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Genshin Tickle Headcanons

The basics

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Hi! I’m Oce and new to the Genshin community (not the tk community). I write a little bit and I have lots of inspiration for the characters! So I decided to drop my own little thoughts about our favourites here on this page.

These headcanons are very specifically tickle related. If that’s not your thing, please skip! If it is, hi! Stick around, let’s be friends <3

Without further ado…

BENNETT

- (remember he’s a literal child)(like he’s 16 don’t be weird)

- oh sweet lord, this sweet little child. He’s my lil’ baby brother and so all my headcanons will be based off that like aesthetic

- I don’t have a little brother irl but I KNOW I’d bully them and I think everyone older than Bennett does that to him? With tickles!

- I see Amber specifically being absolutely cruel to him with tickles, like she’s the first one that comes to mind that wrecks him regularly. Besides her, Kaeya and Razor, but with Razor it’s more tickle fights than “I have no chance, someone save me!”.

- Armpits are his worst spot, and he doesn’t really hide them so it’s super easy to attack! He’s easy to pin too, doesn’t flail too much but is squirmy. You can overpower him without worry and go for all his good spots!

- Knees. Yeah, his knees which are also exposed? Super ticklish too. Lisa has definitely used her nails to like “crack an egg” over his kneecap and he has screeched about it.

- Why are both his worst spots exposed, you may ask?

- Well that’s for him to know and you to also know but not bring up because this boy will get SHY ABOUT IT

- “It’s like you want us to tickle you!”

- “Pssh- pfft hahah I would never… unless you’re offering?”

- the TICKLE FIGHTS between him and Razor are LEGENDARY let’s go back to THAT

- their relationship, whether you see it as platonic or romantic is GOD TIER and these two kids are TICKLY

- @h-u-a-l-i-a-n agrees they’d never stop tickle fighting, truly :,) maybe breaks! For a couple hours at a time! They have to sleep, and eat, after all. But they’ve never concluded a winner before so it just keeps going.

- “I thought we were done?!”

- “NEVER DONE!!”

- Lots of squeaks and squeals and maybe a couple of “Ow! Don’t bite me!”s but it’s all in good fun and they’re the bestest of friends :,) crying

- Alternatively, comfort tickles also with Bennett giving and receiving!! Like if he’s down, give him a hug and pinch his sides till he’s giggly and feels better! Are you down? Expect the exact same treatment! He likes it, his partner likes it, it’s wholesome and cute :,)

- His laugh is so bubbly, and contagious! You can’t help but laugh with him. Depending on the spot, like mentioned above, he totally squeals! Lots of “eek!”s. Also his VA snorted during one of the Among Us streams so I headcanon he snorts too :>

- Also, both a begger, and a bargainer. “Not my armpits please!” “Amber please I’ll cook for you for a week- a month!! A month, please!” It’s hard not to go easy on him when he’s learned to give the PERFECT PUPPY EYES you can blame Razor

- As a ler, he honestly probably does the opposite and makes people promise him things. “You promise to let me eat the last chicken-mushroom skewer, really~?”

- He’s playful! Teasy! It’s amazing considering how absolutely adorably flustered he gets during and after receiving tickles. It’s like a full 180!

- He loves tickling Razor, Diona, Traveller (Aether or Lumine), Barbara, Noelle, Klee, Sucrose... he tries to get revenge on Amber and Kaeya but the tables get turned so fast. After getting to know Eula, I bet he tried to tickle her too and he regretted it almost instantly. Almost! He did get to see her laugh!

- Loves tickling for that reason, to see the people he cares about smile and laugh. Thinks it’s just a fun, playful thing, and even though he won’t admit it directly, does like being on both ends. Maybe a 60-40 switch, just because he tickles others a bit more than he gets the tickling.

- So overall…

- Level of ticklishness: 8/10! He’s not the MOST sensitive, his reactions are just dramatic!

- Their laugh: loud! High pitched! SQUEALS. Hiccups? Hiccups. Bubbly bouncy baby boy laughter. SNORTS. Just all the sounds!

- Best spots: Armpits, knees, feet!