#TFWID

[randomfoggytiger]

Mulder's Heart: Alluring Temptations, Denial, and the Slow Burn

In the novelization of Darin Morgan's episode War of the Coprophages (post here), Dr. Bambi Berenbaum is described as "the most beautiful woman that Mulder has ever seen" (loosely quoted, thank you @wonderxphile~.) The thought struck me that, perhaps, it's not an invention or interpretation of the novelist's so much as an offshoot of the root of Mulder's romantic inclinations-- specifically, ones that relate to his self-imposed celibacy.

During the early years of the show, David Duchovny described Mulder's choice to remain single in a particularly singular way: that Mulder was so dedicated to his work that any relationship or life outside of it would feel like cheating. As intriguing as that thought is, another crops up: if that be the case, why was he almost drawn off-course by various women on the show?

THE DESIRE OF THE EYE

All but one of Mulder's short love interests are narratively sexual characters. Phoebe Green and Diana Fowley were exes, both intending to seduce, distract, and control his focus away from the mission. Kristen Kilar and Bambi Berenbaum were two beautiful women that drew and attached his eye immediately. Lastly, Melissa Rydell was a bit of an outlier who still exuded the same pull as the other four: a commonality with Mulder-- one who "understood" him in ways other women hadn't (or wouldn't.)

If his work is his wife, then they are his (potential) mistresses.

Mulder fell hard and fast; but snapped out of his rose-colored fog just as quickly. Each woman didn't withstand the test of his work, always turning their back on him for someone else, someone "greater."

Except for Dana Scully.

SLOW BURN AND DENIAL

The difference between Scully and the other women was that she didn't knock Mulder's socks off at first sight: baggy suit, green haircut, cutting science, and fire-breathing accountability challenged and won his trust before it won his heart.

Be that as it may, within two episodes Mulder had very, very quickly shifted his estimation of Scully from spy to maneuverable hindrance to partner.

By Squeeze he was undeniably, irrevocably territorial. While he respected her decision to leave, he would most certainly have continued tracking her down wherever she was working to discuss details of his case, her case, or any tidbits in-between (as depicted by him interrupting her stakeout.)

Season 2 beat Mulder over the head until he realized how closely he tied Scully to the work. In Little Green Men, he needed her encouragement to combat self-doubt; but more importantly, he needed her there with him, by his side. After her abduction in Ascension, he became listless, self-destructive (@cecilysass's excellent meta here), and dispassionate for the work: there was no curiosity or joy of discovery in 3's case-- in fact, there was no joy at all. In One Breath, he tried to barter his life's work for Cancer Man's location, resigning anyway out of sheer guilt. (Later, he tried to sell his soul again, more directly, to save Scully's life in Memento Mori.) By Firewalker, Scully had already eclipsed the work-- which Mulder didn't acknowledge, to her or himself, until Fight the Future-- and he frequently abandoned leads or "the truth" if he thought her life were in danger. Although she had become indispensable, Mulder didn't realize he loved her until later in the narrative.

Still.

Scully acknowledged her feelings, indirectly, at various times through the series; but he only initiated when afraid she'd leave, forever. While genuinely blinded by his quest, Mulder wasn't stupid. Scully fishing for his genetics in Home led him to banter away the conversation, later fixing a chair firmly under the broken lock separating their rooms. Scully bringing a cheese platter to celebrate in Detour didn't grab his attention from the mystery, but it underscored his efforts to deflect her serious topic later in the forest.

Because, at the heart of the matter (the very place he tried to avoid), Mulder lived in bone-deep denial.

In E.B.E., he quips, "I think it's remotely plausible that someone might think you're hot"; in Irresistible, he fumes over no one noticing where "a pretty woman" went; even in A Ghost That Stole Christmas he huffs, "We're not lovers." Maggie Scully ascertained his feelings immediately in Ascension, and Melissa Scully pushed him to acknowledge them in One Breath: "At least she'll know. And so will you." During the cancer arc, he embraces Scully for never giving up, doesn't discuss her cancer unless absolutely necessary, freely offers affection on her deathbed; then after, tries to deflect a personal talk in the woods while in shock. Even thoughts of harm coming to his partner-- be it not wanting to consider Scully possibly dying in Piper Maru or the split second of doubt despite evidence when she did "die" in Kitsunegari-- throws up an instant wall of denial.

Mulder knew something was "there" after Melissa Scully made him confront himself-- in fact, he likely already sensed something during his conversation with Scully in Tooms-- but he didn't want to poke around to find out exactly "what" it was. He wasn't ready.

Yet.

"FOX " OR "MULDER"

The women closest to Mulder ended up calling him "Fox" (or "Sullivan")... all except Scully, his abandoned lunch colleague in Little Green Men, and the phone sex operator in Small Potatoes.

Scully herself is an even more isolated case, of course.

When she began to make a personal confession in Tooms, Mulder uncomfortably laughed off her "Fox...": "I even made my parents call me 'Mulder'. So. 'Mulder'." Perhaps that's true (or perhaps not, since his father and mother also called him "Fox.") Regardless, he sensed Scully was letting her guard down; and, fearing she was opening her heart in another direction, tried to fend off any loving regard. Scully surprised him, however: "Mulder, I wouldn't put myself on the line for anyone but you" incorporated his preference, expressed her loyalty, and was a far cry from a lovesick oath. He teased the moment away, pleased; then was, by turns, caught, unsettled, and relieved by her teasing repartee.

From that point, his name began to change from professional shield to personal endearment.

But what does this have to do with Mulder's mistresses?

SCULLY, HIS LIFE

Scully was inextricably linked with the work after her return; and, whether Mulder had fully accepted his love for her yet or not (and I'm beginning to think he hadn't fully until her cancer diagnosis), she was now his life. Drawing her away from a "normal life" and dragging her dog along on a lake monster excursion became an expected, routine part of his weekend.

Bambi-- the "most beautiful woman"-- appeared during this chummy, Season 3 phase. When larger questions and greater fears shook stability from under his feet, Melissa Rydell-- the alleged soulmate-- made her (apparently) destined entrance.

Both women fell into a pattern Phoebe and Kristen set: bold, shiny new possibilities; then solace-seeking and grasping insecurity. That pattern, however, was broken during the cancer arc, as exemplified by the exception to this general rule: Diana Fowley.

ESCAPING THE SNARE OF THE FOWLER

Phoebe, Kristen, Bambi, and Melissa effortlessly lured Mulder's focus from his own aims. Not permanently; just enough to create a foil for the work-- a.k.a. Scully. Mulder suffered a few burns from his false romances (post here): passing out from smoke inhalation, watching three buildings go up in flames, and being dismissed from the life of each romantic interest. Diana, too, betrayed him; and Diana, too, was tied to the blaze in his office.

However, Agent Fowley was not sought after like her predecessors. She was also the first to notice a change in Mulder.

When she arrived on the scene, boldly hitching her wagon to his theories and his work, she expected him to readily accept, nay beg, her back on the files. Instead, Mulder laughed off her concerns about Scully, gushing over his new partner's innate ability to make him "work for it." Further, he stuck by Scully's side when his ex was hospitalized, only straying in The Beginning when Diana created an elaborate ruse to separate the two. He didn't initiate or reciprocate her kiss in One Son; and he was more baffled than beaming when "she" wanted to play domesticly-ever-after in Amor Fati. In short, Mulder was not drawn romantically to Diana, at all: in fact, he was wary. Friendly, but distant.

She'd missed her chance.

If Diana had swooped in sometime before Memento Mori's unification, she could have exploited the gnarly feeling that had been building since early Season 4, or widened its distance post Never Again-- a distance that had been building since Mulder's sloughed-off remark in Home and unwitting partner replacement in The Field Where I Died. (More accurately, if CSM had bothered to pay close attention to his lab rats, he'd have noticed a weakness in their partnership and sent in his super rat to exploit it.) As it happens, she did not.

MULDER'S HEART

What does this mean for Mulder and Scully?

At the outset, I believed Mulder learned the depth of his love for Scully during the events of One Breath-- now, however, I'm convinced that's only half true.

Scully had already replaced the work's importance in his life, but neither understood the depths of his reliance on and devotion to her. Mulder was still gut-reacting, not wanting to delve too deeply into his heart to find the truth there. Never Again gave him a great and terrible shakeup because he'd taken Scully's place at his side for granted-- he'd thought "This work is my life" also extended to her; and that she'd glanced at his offer and was preparing to reject it. Mulder was living in full-blown denial: denial so deep that only the incurable, inescapable possibility of her death could tear his blinders off.

After her diagnosis, that denial was blown to pieces; and, afraid to face the ramifications of his realization, and her remission, he kept fleeing. As Scully says in Dreamland I, "We, we just keep driving."

That brings us back to Phoebe Green-- dangerous allure-- and Kristen Kilar-- mutual mourning partner-- and Dr. Berenbaum-- the "most beautiful woman"-- and Melissa Rydell-- tortured twin soul-- and Diana Fowley-- ancient history. His heart was free in Fire, unconsciously grieving in 3, charmingly in denial in War of the Coprophages, seeking Scully in other lives in The Field Where I Died, and beating only for her in The End.

CONCLUSION

A very interesting, complicated man, indeed.

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!

[randomfoggytiger]

I love this-- it captures the "polaroids/vintage photo" feeling of the episode... and it makes me nostalgic for what could have been.

4 x 05 The field where i died

[presidentmanpeenuts]

"Your eyes may have changed color... but it cannot color the soul behind them."

xfiles- the field where I died 4x5

[mulderscully]

crying about "even if i knew for certain, i wouldn't change a day." on a saturday night because that moment is soooo layered. not just mulder calling scully by her first name, not just the fact that he is asking her about the possibility that they've known each other in countless lifetimes before, but the fact that scully takes him so seriously. she doesn't scoff or roll her eyes or say "mulder, that's ridiculous." like she would about any other outlandish idea he would have. if there is one thing she can put her rationality aside it's for the notion that mulder is her person and always has been and always will be.

[atths--twice]

A friend posted a picture they took on Twitter. It made me think of The Field Where I Died and immediately a thought for a story began. (This is not their picture, but it’s similar.)

Past and Present

“I saw you here, Scully. Not you, but you. I…”‬

She draws in a deep breath and says nothing, not sure she truly believes any of it, despite the photographs she had found.

“You don’t believe it,” he states, his head turned away from her as the wind nearly steals his words.

“I don’t know,” she tells him honestly, watching the way his shoulders slump and how he nods his head. “You really think we always find each other? Always traveling together in some way?”

“Wouldn’t you like to think that was possible?” he asks, turning his head to look at her. “That… something is pulling us together?”

“And that maybe we’ve lived thousands of lives, in different realities, but always together somehow?” she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Would it be so bad?” he whispers back as she stares at him, his eyes sad and hopeful.

“No, I suppose it wouldn’t be,” she says, a smile beginning and then dying as she suddenly feels like weeping.

“No,” he says softly, looking out at the field again. “It wouldn’t be.”

Holding back her tears, she swallows hard to push down the large lump in her throat. He is there beside her, but she feels as though she is alone, left behind and waiting for him to find her again.

Then, the tips of his fingers walk their way across her palm, grasping her hand and squeezing gently. She closes her eyes and squeezes back as the feeling of sadness is erased entirely and is replaced with a happiness she will never be able to explain.

“I told you I’d be here,” a voice says behind her and she gasps as she turns around.

Mulder. But not Mulder. Not really.

“I wasn’t sure. I thought…” she says, her heart pounding from the worry she had been feeling and the relief she felt now.

“Thought I wouldn’t keep my promise? To you?” He smiles and she smiles back, his eyes shining in the bright moonlight above them.

“I was plagued by many worries,” she admits with a sigh.

“You never have to worry again. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Not without you. I love you far too much.”

“And I love you.”

He steps closer and they embrace, his familiar body warming her and erasing any lingering fears.

He is hers and she is his.

That is all that matters.

Scully opens her eyes and expels a shaky breath as she releases Mulder’s hand.

“You okay?” he asks in the same voice she had just heard declaring his love for her.

“I’m fine,” she breathes, turning her head so he does not see her tears.

He says nothing for a few seconds and then he clears his throat.

“We… we should get going.”

“Yes,” she agrees, taking the lead and walking through the field towards the car, not looking back.

Mulder walks behind her, watching her move with a determined purpose.

Taking a deep breath, he turns his head and looks back, knowing what he will see, but wishing he will be wrong.

It’s only the empty field; the tall grass bending gracefully as the wind gently blows through it.

But he knows. He knows what he saw. What he had felt.

The warmth of her body and the scent of her hair as she stood with him in that same spot, in yet another reality. A different life, but always traveling together.

I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Not without you. I love you far too much.

And I love you.

The words he heard echo loudly in his head. He closes his eyes and hopes that wherever that life had led them, it was rich with happiness and devoid of any suffering.

[randomfoggytiger]

Hi, anon!

If you want to learn to appreciate the episode more, I'd go to @deathsbestgirl, who loves it (and writes spectacular meta on any topic~!)

If you want to read my meta on how, perhaps, it could make sense in the larger canon-- that Scully breaks the curse inflicted on herself, Mulder, and Melissa Rydell, thus severing the "soulmate" connection between Mulder and Melissa-- you can find it here~.

If you want to read fics that make it aaaaaaaaall better, here's my fic collection post here~.

And if you want the cult who don't like it, we welcome you with open arms~. >:DD

At the end of the day, TFWID was Morgan and Wong's brainchild-- you know, the two guys who wanted Mulder and another Melissa to hook up in One Breath. They (and David Duchovny) love the ethereal concept of soulmates being separate from a one-true-love-- that groups of souls will always be connected to each other through time. It was just incredibly poorly executed. Chopping the plot way down, then giving either Morgan's or Wong's wife excessive screentime, was not... the wisest decision of their career.

I think my meta really does work with their original concept while also honoring the nature of Mulder and Scully's relationship: that both agents may or may not be soulmates, but they become greater when they purposefully choose each other.

And if all else fails, don't hesitate to go search my archives through #TFWID to find more content (meta, gifs, screenshots, fics) that might be up your alley. :DDDD

Please don't hate me, but I cannot stand the episode "the field where I died"

I don't know why I dint like it, but I can't get my bearings around it. Maybe it's because I don't truly understand its meaning and purpose. To be honest, I saw it only once and had a bad taste in my mouth. What's it truly about? Is it that Scully isn't his real soul mate but this other lady? Would he lay down his life and soul for this other woman who he is connected to by time and other past lives instead of Scully?

Please, someone, help me see why I should review my stance on this episode. What are some redeeming aspects that I am missing? Did I completely misunderstand the episode?

Note: I might dislike the episode because of what I perceive as forced acting on the lady's character with the different accents and personalities.

I would never hate you, anon. Everyone has their own opinion and that's how it should be! You're also not at all alone on this. Many people don't like the episode, myself included. I don't hate it, but it's definitely not my favorite.

Scully is his soulmate - there are wonderful meta posts about this episode. CC just seemed to want to stress that Mulder and Scully are not romantic. They were always in each other's lives. Whether as friend or family member. That is the only redeeming aspect I can think of, to be honest. Much like you, I find the acting very exhausting.

[carefulfears]

https://www.tumblr.com/waiting-for-the-day/722383162274119680/whats-your-opinion-on-davids-acting-as-mulder

Thank you for that!! Saying that he’s a bad actor is a big reach but I’ve heard it from a lot of people.. I don’t think he’s bad at all… we all love Mulder for what he is and that’s mostly thanks to what he brought to his character. (Also, puppy dog eyes.)

yeah for sure!! i know he doesn’t have as much training (and therefore control) as some but i do agree it’s a stretch to say he’s a bad actor. he always maintained an understanding of the emotional connotations of a scene and knew how to carry himself accordingly, and brought so many small details forward so affectively.

the vast majority of the x-files is unspoken and david could more than hold his own when it came to that kind of expression.

[gingerteaonthetardis]

about to embark on s4 for the second time, only i am stronger now and sexier and ready to pay the ultimate price (the field where i died) so that i might reap the ultimate reward (memento mori)!!!!!

[randomfoggytiger]

Scully's Survival Broke The Field Where I Died's Cycle

I noticed something while scrubbing through Mulder's hypnosis: in each past life (the concentration camps and the Civil War battle), Scully is always killed first; then Mulder; then Melissa Reidel.

I think that not only were the souls reborn correctly in this life, but they also ended in the correct order-- that Scully circumvented her destined end in order to save Mulder from his tragic, heroic pitfalls. And, more importantly, that she was alive at the crucial moment of Mulder's life: the moment his exhausted soul was almost doomed to repeat another failed cycle at the hands of Melissa Rydell's destined self-sabotage.

THE IMPORTANCE OF SCULLY'S UNPRECEDENTED SURVIVAL

Mulder has a history of being the first one to get into trouble: it's not two cases in before Mulder sneaks onto an airfield base and gets mindwiped. We know Mulder takes impossible risks even when Scully isn't there to back him up; so, it's more likely he would die on the field than live long enough to be canned from the FBI.

Although Mulder wasn't going to be killed in Deep Throat (just returned more scrambled on release) Scully wouldn't have been able to save him from fate or himself if she'd died later in Squeeze, Ghost in the Machine, Eve, Gender Bender, Lazarus, Young at Heart, Shapes, Darkness Falls, and Tooms. Or, more particularly, in One Breath.

If Scully had died in the forests of Darkness Falls, then Mulder would have been died underground in Tooms. If Scully had died in One Breath-- as she was meant to, it seems-- then Mulder might have died in Firewalker and Aubrey but most certainly in End Game; and when Irresistible didn't kill her, cancer tried to throughout Season 4, which almost caused Mulder's death in Demons, regardless. If Scully died in Kitsunegari, Mulder would've died in Kill Switch and Bad Blood. If Scully died in The Red and the Black, Mulder would've died in Folie a Deux. If Scully had died in Fight the Future, Mulder would have died then or perished soon after in Triangle. If Scully had died in Tithonus, Mulder would have burnt alive at the One Son hanger. If Scully had died in Field Trip, then her presence wouldn't have brought Mulder out of his psychosis (and death) then or in Amor Fati. And lastly, if Scully had died in Orison, Mulder would have died in First Person Shooter and Brand X, etc.

The infamous ending to Pusher exemplifies this dynamic to a 'T': Mulder rushes in without caring for his own safety; but the kill shot was turned on Scully, not Modell or himself. And if Scully hadn't saved them both, Modell might have taken a bullet to the chest or he might have manipulated Mulder's mind further for his own ends.

But it all ties back most pivotally to One Breath, where she chose to stay instead of pass on. By fighting to live another day, Scully began a pattern that lead to her and Mulder's salvation.

MELISSA RYDELL GOES FIRST

Not only is this the first life cycle that Scully survived, but it's also the first cycle that places Scully, Mulder, and Melissa on an even romantic playing field. Mulder subtly acknowledges this by asking where he and Scully still fit with, he assumes, a soulmate wedged between them: "Dana, if, um, early in the four years we'd been working together... if we'd been friends together, in other life times, always, would it changed some of the ways we looked at one another?" Scully doesn't believe in fate, living her life by the dictates of her conscience; and Mulder's question doesn't shake those beliefs, either.

And not only does Scully survive with the ability to rival Melissa's hold on Mulder, but she and Mulder are also this cycle's first unprecedented survivors: Melissa (Mulder's tragic mirror) dies first and dies alone. Mulder still broke rank in his attempts to save her; but by heeding protocol as long as he did, Mulder was too late to be killed before Rydell or to join her in death.

Why did he play by the rules that long? Because the impact of Scully's partnership-- years of insisting he follow the guidelines created for his protection-- kept his destructive tendency at bay long enough to save him from certain death. Her active presence by his side reinforced this decision when it mattered most: the moment that changed the course of their fate.

CONCLUSION

It's like Scully said: "Even if I knew for certain, I wouldn't change a day." She doesn't believe in fate; and The Field Where I Died's implications would therefore suggest Scully beats back destiny through sheer force of will, besting the monsters that hunt her as easy prey and saving Mulder from the demons driving him harder and faster into irrational action.

And she won. Cancer was already growing in her brain; but Scully outlasted the cycle that trapped her, Mulder, and Rydell's souls: that she die first (or that she die at all.)

Souls may mate eternal; but her choice broke old chains and saved their fate.

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!

[randomfoggytiger]

I reblogged this-- hee hee Tumblr humor-- mainly because their faces are perfect here.

Scully's little gentle, snarky, remark.

Mulder's weary but relieved and settled smile and twinkle in his eye.

Great acting, you two.

[harmonicabisexuals]

i do think it’s funny that Morgan and Wong wrote “The Field Where I Died” partly to challenge David Duchovny’s acting skills, which like, he’s decent in it, but his acting in “Paper Hearts” is so much better without even trying

[asifyoudidntknow]

When he spoke, his voice was low and she had to strain to catch it, but what he said made her smile. "Because I like to think that once in a blue moon, you feel the same kind of inexplicable things that I do." His lips curved in a wry little smile as he turned and looked out the window again. His hand tightened on hers gently. Scully looked at his averted profile. Lonely. She realized in surprise. Mulder was lonely. He was a genius, with a sixth sense--and maybe a seventh--and a biting sense of humor, but he didn't have very many friends. It took awhile to get used to him. To really get to know him and like him. Would she have made the effort if she hadn't been forced to?

The Letter by Shalimar

[benoitblanc]

major props to glenmorgan jameswong for using s4 to write the four most batshit episodes of the entire show and then peacing out for 20 years

[ibringyouasong89]

I think, if anything, Scully is being half serious and half joking. Half serious because, if started talking the way he usually rants in front of her, TLG, or Skinner, yeah, he’d be committed and it’s scary for both her and him (that they are consciously agreeing to that thought, mentally and emotionally, is “lksjdflksdjfksdjfjsdlfkjds”). I think there’s also the part where Mulder is also being half serious and half joking about that possibility and Scully can meet him at both sides of that, mentally and emotionally. Mulder, as usual, mixes seriousness and vulnerability with humor to deflect, but also to present his vulnerabilities (to Scully) in a non-defensive way...humor softens him. Scully, instinctively, understands that, and so she can quirk a small grin on pursed lips when agreeing with such a statement. And that’s what makes them, and their dynamic, so damn special - despite what CC and those damn writers would try and have us believe, Scully is Mulder’s REAL soulmate; the half that doesn’t complete him (nobody is REALLY incomplete without another person, however romantic and repetitive that particular message society has programmed into us via Hollywood, with their rom-coms and epic love stories, or the music industry or even through marketing), but compliments him and makes him understand himself, and the world, better. She makes him want to BE better and as much as Mulder could’ve gotten swept up by the romantic notion of Melissa Ephesian being a potential soulmate being reincarnated to briefly meet in passing in this life, it’s pretty much a sure thing that it would’ve never worked out and that her ties to him were exactly where they belonged - in the past, in a different life (and even then Scully was dying right there next to him, as his Lieutenant) and that for him to grow and become a stronger individual, and a better version of himself, he had to be with Scully; full stop.  Plus, as anyone else will tell you that is an avid fan of the show, there are a lot of issues with Mulder’s past life regression and the people he names as having contact with throughout those lifetimes, that don’t line up with specific timelines and events. Which, in hindsight, the writers might’ve done on purpose - in the hypnosis session with Dr. Werber - in order to highlight: One, Mulder’s romantic whimsy and the conscious suggestions which could’ve triggered these false past life memories or Two, that Dr. Werber was working for “Them” and was, in some way or another, planting false memories into Mulder’s mind so as to keep him from leaving the game of cloak and dagger that The Consortium was playing with him and his life. Very cat and mouse as usual and hard to prove...but in all honestly, if either theory were to be confirmed to be true, or even both to be correct simultaneously, I would not be surprised. 

lksjdflksdjflksdjfljsdlfkjds

[deathsbestgirl]

thinking about this as committed to the psych ward (edit: as intended) and now i want to know what happened here. because tfwid, paper hearts, demons, his implied suicidality at the end of gethsemane. there really was a lot in this season that could have gone that way. what did they want to do???

[allthngs]

when i read that david duchovny won a golden globe for season 4 of the x-files i was so curious which episode was submitted to give him the win. i was only halfway through the season and i was pretty sure it would have been tfwid or paper hearts- AND I WAS WRONG cause he won it for small potatoes, but i hadn’t see the episode yet when i found out.

today i saw it AND I THINK I UNDERSTAND NOW