#TELL ME IM SAFE YOU GOT ME NOW
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this is probably one of the most wonderful videos ive made using capcut
★ feat : @chamom1le-t3a . @thecultoflove nd @jumjum-crafts 's tonys
#FOR THE RECORD. hv tony does not know what the act colloquially known as “throwing it back” means#alright . great ? great.#i got one of those super bad mood swings that make me want to fuck shit up last night and i tried to make something to distract myself#yes i started making this at midnight . im sorry that it looks kind of rushed#and im sorry if none of my wonderful friends wanted to be included in this – you can tell me to delete it and i will no problem#though frankly you could even ask me to stab myself and tbh id do it#I HAVE PROBLEMS BUT THATZ OKAY !!!!!#i remembered my colin crossover posts and i thought “why not do one for my FAVORITE LITTLE GUY !!!!”#thought it worked because tony already has a connection to fish in the dhmis cannon or smth#anyway . my favourite tonys !!! all in one place !!! wowow !!!#okay well i guess im gonna go now#please stay safe . drink water . bye-bye#dhmis#dhmis art#dhmis au#dhmis tony#tony the talking clock#dhmis hv tony#capcut#suggestive audio#sort of ? i just want to cover my bases :3
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🙃
#just want to apologize to anyone who has tried to reach out lately#just like I texted my friend I’ll tell you guys the same#haven’t been talking to a lot of people lately tbh#pretty sure I’ve mentioned php a few times by now#monday was my last day#and I was feeling on top of the world on Monday#I don’t remember the last time I was so genuinely happy#figured it was the med change or something#so I was feeling pretty optimistic#I’m in between programs now#and today was not the best#not as bad as some of my days#but definitely not even near the day I had on Monday#I just wish I could feel that every single day#I’m working on it but still#waiting to start ‘adult day treatment’ and case management#and I think case management will help me find a place??? I’m not sure exactly but that’s kinda what I was getting#which honestly? I know I’ve bitched about how badly I need to move#but while I was in php I realized I don’t think I’ll truly be able to heal while I’m living here… and that’s a scary thought#idk there’s a lot more deeper things that I don’t wanna talk about#but the fact I don’t have space and I don’t feel safe and comfortable here is hard….#my ‘safe’ space was my car but now that I’m trying to quit smoking my car isn’t the best place for me#I’ve been kinda getting used to my room and I’m finally trying to move a few things around#(now that I have a little energy again)#it’s just……. my arachnophobia is KILLING me here#in the past week I don’t even know how many spiders I’ve seen and killed#they haven’t been crazy and I recognize I don’t live in Australia or places where the spiders are as big as fucking cars#I came home and I was in a good mood until I saw a spider in my room 🙃🙃🙃 tried to vacuum it but not sure if I got it……..#so guess im sleeping on the couch….. again…. but can’t help think if out here is any better…#shut up rosie
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dear google, how do i ask my stepfather if he was being Serious or Not about buying extra edibles and if so, can i have one-
#he got. he got one and portioned it for our Very Nervous Cat ezi#(safe portion. neither of us want to hurt our fluffy friends)#and i want so badly to be like 'wheres the rest. can i have it. gimme'#related tangent it was So funny to have him hand me this lil sliver of gummie and tell me its for ezi#and i just stared at it for a second. Realized. and went YOU WANT ME TO GIVE MY CAT AN EDIBLE????#we tried. ezi wanted nothing to do with it. sigh#this cat is gonna have Such a bad time when we move unless we find some way to calm him tf down#god but like. was he serious? did he get more than just one for ezi????#WHERE'S THE REST OF THAT ONE????#sir please... im so stressed.... give it to me....#absolutely unprompted#he made a joke about it but i cant tell if he was jokingly serious or seriously joking#and how do i fuckin go 'ok cool can i actually have one'#i mean. in less than a month i can go buy some myself but still#i would like a lil treat Now thankyew <3
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played a little bit of leta’s act 1 earlier and god. so embarrassing for her, the barbarian, to fail at breaking out of ASTARION’S hold
#i just know he’s so smug about it. tries to tease once they’ve got their thing with karlach going and she goes hey. hi. I Will Kill You :)#so he stops. but then in like act 3 he tries again and is like hey now that we’re like actually in love you can tell me if you liked it.#this is a safe space (he’s lying) and she’s like um. actually you reminding me of it makes me want to break up with you. a little bit. so#im still trying to figure out Specifics. per the game allowing one romance she’d choose karlach esp bc she doesnt like astarion in act 1 so#much but also. i don’t know if she pushes karlach to go to avernus. so heartbreakingly it could be that they’re each other’s second choice#despite all of what i’ve said here in the tags they do actually like and even love each other. they just have issues#my life rn
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I have so many posts in drafts about Palestine and I still just don't even know what to say or where to start
#how do i talk about my extremely zionist early education#how do i talk about my birthright trip at age 13 and the impact it had on me as a jew and as a human on this planet#how do i talk about my childhood rabbi reaching out the kids i grew up with offering support for those mourning the loss of history#and also those mourning the lives of colonizers (who ultimately are jews seeking a safe space after hardship at the great expense of others#my fucking guts have been clenched for days i feel like a shell#my mom is more worried about sending my transfem sister to college on her own in the inner city now not bc she's trans but bc she's jewish.#not to mention i always say im 'raised jewish' not actually jewish bc im not! im not jewish ive bever had a conversion.#what fucking right do i have#all i know is my upbringing and my ability as an adult to unpack it.#and how many things that i was taught are WRONG#i didnt get a christian brainwashing a got a zionist brainwashing#anyways all this to say theres always a lot of regard for Palestinian suffering on here as there should be in these situations#but young jews have a fucking weight on them right now like you just would not believe#not that its equal to or greater than the trauma of being palestinian. but just that its not mentioned right now#thats all ive got to say. idk yall are welcome to ask me more about this i just had to spew some of it#might delete#cam talks#if it isnt clear im fully pro palestine and my goal isnt to be any sort of devils advocate here. im just in a very complicated sort of pain#if i posted that email from my middle school rabbi here he would be doxxed and hate crimed.#and you know. i dont like the guy. but the fact that i know thats what would happen tells you a lot.
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grabbing rainbow sherbet vodka for the stream because I know it's what ichi would want 🤞
bro grabbing that fucking super mario vodka what the shit 😭
#snap chats#i dont know what im gonna get...... i SHOULD get soju since i can get more for cheaper#and soju's more potent now innit... but i am a sake fan... sake my best friend..#but i like my sake hot. unless its nigori then OF COURSE you have to have it chilled....#gddammit i left my shot glass at my moms. i didnt think id need it </3#maybe sake's the game then.....#just to make sure i dont ACTUALY black out NO DID I TELL THE TIME I BLAKCED OUT FOR THE FIRST AND ONLY TIME#ILL TELL IT AGAIN SINCE ITS TOPICAL IT WAS THE NIGHT OF MY SISTER'S WEDDING#and i went out post-wedding drinking with my dad and my sis and her hubby yeah#and /im/ a master of acting like im fine when im not when i care to and since i never want to look A Fool in front of my father again#i acted fine after i reached the point where I Very Much Was Not Fine#LIKE THERE WERE DRINKS AT THE WEDDING OOFC BUT I ALSO GOT SOME WHISKEY AT A BAR WE WENT TO#AND SO EVENTUALLY MY DAD AND HIS WIFE AND I ALL GO BACK TO THE HOTEL WE'RE ALL STAYING AT#god theyre so embarrassing i was walking (read: wobbling) back to the room i shared with my bro#and theyre just :) 👋 Good Niiiight We're Gonna Watch You Go Until You're Safe :) 👋 <- im literally down the hall from them#and the fucking. SECOND i get into my room im just hhoUUGGHGHHH BROTHER OF MINE. WHAT IS HAPPENING#i dont remember what happened i know i started watching Why Dont You Play In Hell again and then i suddenly woke up in my bed#I WAS ON THE COUCH LIKE I CANNOT STRESS THE ABRUPTNESS OF ME WAKING UP IN BED#I SAT ON THE COUCH TO WATCH THE MOVIE I THINK I GOT 27 MINUTES IN AND I BLINKED AND I INSTATRANSMISSIONED#hilarious. anyway i refuse to let that happen ever again AFLKEFJKAJ#so sake's the call. i think. idk we'll see what my wallet thinks cause the sake is a lil pricier than the soju..#it a special occasion live a little. is what ill tell myself ☠️
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living in my own home away from my dad but he still waits up for me to get home
#i was panicking cause 'whos up at 2am. who can i call at 2am- no one will pick up the pho-- my dad. his phone is ALWAYS on loud.'#it rings twice and im like 'shit dad im so sorry to call you and wake you' and hes just there like 'oh dont worry. i was waiting for you.'#turns out: my mum was suppose to message me to tell me to call my dad when i got off the coach to walk home! she must've forgot tho#cause i was initially just gonna walk home ez - it wasnt until the guy cat called me and started following me again that i thought#nOPE NOT THE NIGHT NOT THE VICTIM I GOTTA CALL SOMEONE OR SMTH#so i thought i might have woken him but nope he was already waiting on me - kinda had a moment of !!!!!!#my dad miiight have grown to become my hero or smth pfshhh anyway#ALSO U KNOW I DID THAT THING AGAIN. random stranger starts talking loudly and i looked at him - u give them a glance and they take it ALL.#gotta learn to stop doing that for my own fuckin safety jfc. BUT I MADE IT HOME SAFE ANYWAY SO#me and my dad just talked about our days and mid way he was like 'are you okay? you sound like youre shivering? is it cold or-'#'OH YEA im just cold. its freezing.' 'Ha! trust me there is nothing better than being in the freezing cold and then getting into bed.#best feeling... i know you have your own life now but its good to make sure you get home safe.'#ITS LIKE ONE OF THOSE LIKE. ARHGHGH my dad loves me fuck the rest of yall-#this is for all those people who say i have daddy issues cause i make a father figure out of every character i like-#ur correct but-#ANYWAY SOmetimes forget my dad has unmedicated anxiety. my mans out here fighting for him life on a random saturday cause his kid#didnt get home until 2am. then he wakes up at 6am to help my brother - My guy doing It All.#my art#ted talk
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[@distinguished-turtle-enjoyer ]
i actually have not stopped thinkin bout your bb!edit like,,,, its so good and scratches my brain right
how long have you been doin edits for? do have any tips for someone, who hypothetically, wants to start doin edits too? what programs do you use? how did you do the cool animated bits?
im so sorry for all the qustions 😭😭 i just think youre very talented and inspirational and i hope you have a good day ^_^
hi firstly oh my gosh you're literally so sweet i am gently shaking you i love you so much /p. secondly, i apologize for the long answer! (it's all under the cut. this got away from me. i'm so sorry apparently i have a lot to say.) (also you're so good about the questions i would constantly be asking one of my professors questions during class to the point where she said i didn't have to go "i have a question" every time i approached her)
i've been editing since 2016! around march/april, i think? loved it so much i went into film & video production in college as a major so i could do editing for a living. (i have done more motion graphics for my classmates than i have done edits outside of class assignments, BUT!)
the program i use is after effects - i started learning it when covid first hit the united states because i had nothing better to do with my time (other than music theory but i failed that bc my professor focused more on the history aspects than the actual theory soooo) and my ipad kept giving me the "no more storage" whenever i tried to use videostar lmao. (vs has, apparently, gotten a LOT of good updates, so if you're looking to start editing and have an ios system, i'd look into it! only downside is you have to pay for some of the cool stuff).
also the program i use for masking (i think i explain this later dwdw) is superimpose. i've been using it since 2014 and it's SO nice bc i can use my fingers to erase backgrounds & stuff instead of hoping i can get it to work correctly in ae or photoshop (photoshop my DETESTED i'll use it but i'll complain the entire time).
for people who want to start editing: tutorials on how your program works and how to do specific transitions are gonna be your best friend when you're first figuring things out! i forced a friend to literally walk me through how after effects worked when i was first figuring it out, and when i had swapped to videostar back in 2017/2018(?) i had watched a Lot of tutorials. that and played around a lot and figured things out on my own - which is also always a good way to start!! it's also totally valid to look at other people's edits for inspiration - most editors don't really care, as long as you don't flat-out remake their edit (some people don't like that!). i have a style insp folder on instagram where i save edits that i like so if i need transition ideas or i'm doing a different style, i can look there for inspiration. at the end of the day, as long as you're having fun with it that's all that matters!
also, starting simple is always okay!! my edits for a year were just me slapping gifs & video segments together on a timeline in cute cut pro bc imovie didn't load them lol & it'd crash every time i breathed. ++ it never hurts to ask people for feedback/constructive(!!!) criticism/etc! (also not to sound like everyone else but practice? good. it's so good. if i showed my 14/15y/o self some of the edits i can make now they would've passed out on the spot bc i was still trying to figure out transitions back then. programs can also sometimes make a difference in edits, but usually it's not super noticeable until you start getting to the Complicated Shit.)
a lot of popular programs i've seen are ones like video star (ios only), alight motion (android only), after effects (i recommend 🏴☠️ing it tbh, i only use it legally bc i had to use adobe programs for school), capcut, and i think some people still use sony vegas pro & maybe cute cut pro (i've heard it may have actually gotten better since i last used it in 2018)? i have no idea. programs also depend on whatever device you're using to edit on! since i've been using my laptop, i'm able to use after effects (it's computer-only), but when i used my phone/ipad to edit i used ccp & vs.
for the animation - it's a lot of cutting up the image and masking! more complex animations, like the one i had of leo walking down that red 'hallway' have several different layers that have been masked. (i removed the background & filled in the spot where leo originally was in two different apps - superimpose (taking leo out) & photoshop (filling in the bg)) in after effects, the way i've done this was mask out the specific thing i wanted to move (like an eye) and then put that mask on what i've called a "base" (not animated), and then stick a solid behind the base to match the color of the object. (some of my layers are not named appropriately; base 2 is the left arm & the four "SIX_[...]" layers are the mask/bandana tails)
an example of this would be for any of the eye blink animations i did! this (above) is the same shot, with and without the eye - since it's masked out and i have the background solid behind it, it doesn't look too unnatural/have a black outline/mass where his eye should be.
what it looks like without the solid layer behind it ^ (the red lines are from the null layers - ignore that)
this is what my timeline looks like if it's a more simplistic animation - the only five things being animated here are leo & raph's eyes. (there's only this many layers bc it's two characters in one shot & i was also animating their pupils - typically, an eye-blink animation is about 4-6 layers for me (solid, base, mask, & null to animate with, 6 if i'm animating both eyes & 4 if just one))
in after effects, there's this really cool tool called the puppet pin that one of my friends (lovingly) yelled at me for not knowing about - which. yeah fair she wasn't wrong it's SUPER useful in animating, provided you chop up your image first. if you don't it's a mess.
(separated by layer vs i should've really put the mask tails & leo's head on separate layers and didn't bc that was the 2nd to last animation i had to do and i was losing my mind bc i wanted to be done with the edit lmao)
the way people animate depends all on their style (there's two common ways to do blinking animation - having the anchor point at the bottom of the eye, or the middle of it) and the program they use. it's been a while, but i could probably tell you how to do some basic animations on videostar still even though i've been doing them in after effects for about 2-3years now. ALSO the best way to have an animation be noticeable is to over-exaggerate it/make them Big - which, yes, can mean 'breaking bones' and having the limbs be a little wonky at the start. (if you want it to be realistic though go Just to the point where it looks uncomfortable lmao)
uhm. again i am so sorry that this is so long i THINK this is everything? if not: my inbox/dms are always open if you ever want to ask more questions, wanna follow up on something, etc etc!! (also if you ever start editing please send me your edits!!! i'd love to see them <3)
#this got away from me im SO sorry (just put this in google docs out of curiosity. 1255 words. i am so sorry for the essay.)#uhm. ANYWAY YES like i said if you have any other questions feel free to reach out!!! i am always alway willing to help people out#with stuff like this!!! i can talk your ear off though if this wasn't enough proof of that /j#if nothing makes sense it's bc i'm responding to this at like. 5am my time. so. my bad if there's typos i'm so sorry#like i think i saw this ask at 4:40ish am and i'm still making sure i've got everything covered and its like 5:32am LMAO#me when i dont sleep bc i have no routine now#ask box pals#art creds in the screenshots to trubblegumm !! <- tagging to be safe#still in shock at the amount of positive feedback im getting from my bb!leo edit like oh my god you guys are incredible ilysm /p#sorry i discovered in the middle of typing out my tags that you can edit them now after you've hit enter where am i.#also this is offtopic so its down here but i am Not complaining about doing more motion graphics than actual editing.#a bitch has won two awards for their motion graphics at festivals and i've been doing them for a YEAR#(laughs in the first time i ever did a real one i won a student award. idk how. but i DID and i won the pro category this year <3)#it would be nice tho to do more editing for short films tho :( had a professor tell me i was good at it.#i should rly start using my camera and shoot my own stuff and edit it huh. maybe i will eventually i have a few ideas.#anyway. i need to stop rambling abt my experience as a film student and go to bed i apparently need to be up in the morning but idk WHEN
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"i didn't want to talk in front of archie and the others .... as it turns out, peabody had a lot to say. the bounty on your pal Archie, it's not just on him. it's on anyone who's with him or is helping him. which means there is a target on your back now too jughead. it's the same if he goes back to riverdale. archie's dad, archie's friends, everyone is at risk. which is why you got to cut him loose."
"im not just gonna ditch archie, mom! he's my best friend."
here's how j/archie can still win
#no more gunshots you guys gotta hear me out on this now😭😭#im laughing so much but this is good scene . anyway !!!!!!!!!!!#archie tells veronica that hes not alone before he leaves (but doesn't mention jug 🧐) he repeats that fact actually. and then#him and jughead walk and walk for days and archie tells jughead to go back#that he can handle himself and jughead is like nah bro... ur literally going to get yourself killed. ANNNDDD jughead saves his life again.#untying him in that farm. keeping him from making a big mistake like killing hiram. ough literally always looking out for him smh#shows up in toledo with his mom . hoping & expecting them to be safe and penny finds him and penny says no one is safe with archie#AND HE STILL DOESNT WANT TO LEAVE HIM. as he should. W friend.#but fuck. Still. his own mom is telling him to get rid of archie and archie ALREADY FEELS FUCKING BAD that he got so many people involved#and that he's putting people in danger and causing them stress and grief and pain etc etc#also he's overhearing this conversation#literallt went on a road trip alone together subtracting the car. that's a fanfic trope right there ok sorry i had to say it#jughead didn't have to come with him. he could have given him supplies directions instructions and sent him on his merry way and stayed bac#in ri//verdale but he was worried ab him#it's true and real and i'm embarrassed that i typed all this about riv//er dale
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i wish anyone who drives and doesn’t slow down when passing people to avoid splashing them with puddles/slush a very i hope every part of your car shits the bed and you can’t get it fixed or get a new vehicle you don’t deserve one
#i used to be like oh maybe some ppl tried to slow down and just couldn’t in time but now i literally do not care fuck you#a literal city plow truck (the BIG ones?? yeah) managed to slow down and STOP for me in order to not hit me with water and slush#but two cars and some cocksuck in a pick up couldn’t even kinda slow down????? literally fuck you all i hope you don’t have a good day until#three months from now you’re all pieces of shit i literally don’t care#you are in a VEHICLE you are safe and sound in there and im fucking WALKING the LEASSTTTT you could do is not fucking splash me when driving#and you can literally tell exactly who tries to slow down and who doesnt. it’s the most obvious thing in the fuckjng world#and it’s literally Not hard to slow the fuck down its called stop pressing the fucking GAS PETAL and tap the fucking BREAK#i literally can’t stand people who drive fuck anyone who drives i hate you so fucking bad#i literally got water and slush from the fucking DIRTY STREET in my MOUTH AND MY EYE#i’m so fucking pissed off right now the rest of my day better go more smooth or i’m going to throw an actual fit#i ALWAYS get splashed on my way to work when it’s rainy i fucking don’t get it#if you can’t respect pedestrians walking then you just don’t deserve a license or a car you fucking just don’t
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i cant believe the day but i finally got a full tower pc. bought it already built and at a considerable discount of some 320 dollars off. its fucking huge and theres so many things going on inside... i was initially planning on choosing the parts myself but finding the graphics card was so hard and everyone else convinced me to just buy it built and honestly? good. id probably have fucked this up so badly by myself
i cant use it yet bc i took too long to buy the monitor that was also on sale and now its regular price -_- tho i managed to find a discount used one for now. well see how that goes since ill get it tomorrow. i tested it on out living room tv and it had some kaspersky thingy open and like thats so cute. i hope they left some treats in the browsing history for me to search through before i wipe it clean
#its a hexer case and wouldnt you guess the front has a hexagonal pattern. so pretty..#it came with 3 fans installed there too that have a cmyk color style to them and it looks quite neat. im thinking of buying some leds to pu#inside the case to go with my keyboard tho idk if id go that far tbh (< gamer rot is setting in. im not immune to pretty lighting..)#its also got a lot of unused space inside. im thinking of making more sculptures to put in. though idk if thatd be safe for it#bc cold porcelain is glue and water. what if it evaporates inside and suddenly everythings covered in a glue film#i wonder if varnish would help? the transparent nail polish sure didnt do shit it came off like 2 days after sculpting the rw slug sleeping#which like yeah of course. its nail polish. but i didnt expect it to flake since all it does is sleep on top of my laptop keyboard#i need miniature glass cake cover tops to encapsule every sculpture inside for safety#looking at it still no wonder these are called towers gotdamn its legit so huge..#it looks awkward tho bc i cant fully make it glue to the wall bc of the cables so its like. awkwardly a bit in front of the wall#im scaared as to how to tell if it ever gets too hot. on a laptop u just press ur head against the left half and feel how hot it is#i think im gonna need software for this.. sigh. tho maybe ill never get to that point since its supposed to be decent#AND its not 8 years old + the 3 fans and gpu fan and cpu fan. surely thats enough. the case even has space for more than that!!#the acrylic side reflects my keyboard too. so niceys. stimulation for my creature eyes#my desk is gonna be so fucked up when i have to organize everything too bc the one i have now is perfecly laptop-oriented#it sits on a custom wooden desk and the keyboard+drawing tablet sit below. but theres a shelf on top of my desk thats too low for the>#>normal monitor to sit to so i wont be able to use the custom desk. and i dont even know what ill do with my laptop either#finally a good change in my sad life routine fr. i cant wait to play watchdogs on this and overgrowth and other ones#AND LAGLESS KRITA SMUDGE ENGINE BRUSHES!!! AND DOUBLE BRUSHES. THEYRE SO LAGGY#A N D ACTUAL FULL HD NORMAL MONITOR. maybe that will get me to not draw in small canvases anymore#now im anxious i just want the day to be over to get the monitor tomorrow aouugh.. just bc i started coding my resources neocities page#dextxt#<the 'major life events' ((sorta)) tag returns. one for the books.. if something bad happens.. itll be here to remind me of the good times
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good morning! i just put a.khos on the f/o list!
#had to happen eventually hehe! I've fallen head over heels for my biggest enemy and i love him sooooo much!!#ash rambles 💚#i had a pretty eventful weekend#went out of town and on a shopping spree! twas very fun and i ate lots of yummy food and the such#i'm home now but so.. tired... cant bring myself to get out of bed just yet BAHAHAHA#i keep thinking about a.khos' arms around me keeping me close to him#i had a kinda creepy interaction with a man in public the other day and although i'm ok and safe#it was the first time that had happened to me and i'm still sorta shaken up#im ok!!! but i keep thinking about f/o comfort and the such just to help some more. i'm completely safe and doing so much better than I was#you see... theres this character... i don't love him. i think he's a horrible man. but he's so hot i start questioning things about myself#and my s/i for that source is a known flirt- so i wouldnt put it past them to have gotten it on a few times#but i've been thinking... what if theyre actually bitter exes? maybe that's why my d.mc s/i hates serious relationships so much..#but that aside. this character wears this heavy coat and i keep thinking abt using it as a weighted blanket!! it looks really really cozy#sir you're an asshole but... give me your coat!!!!! (grabby hands)#oh also! me being home means i got to see a.qua plushie!!! i missed her!#but yeah. that's what's up. so much goddamn a.khos brainrot.#he's stolen my heart#and don't tell anyone i said this but...#i love it. i love it so much. no better feeling than me being his and he being mine#also i've been thinking about my xb1 fankid a lot as of late.. but if i start rambling about Nalia we'll be here all day LMAO#but yeah! hope everyone is doing well! i'm doing okay too#ALSO AJDHWJEHW SO MUCH S.KYRIM ROT!! I LOVE R.UNE BY THE WAY AJDJAJS I#I HAVE BEEN DOING SO SO MUCH S/I WRITING FOR THEM#ALL OF THE THIEVES GUILD ARE MY BEST FRIENDS BTW#also did i mention i got to visit one of the largest bookstores in the world? goodness i love books soooo much!!!!!!!!#but also... reading next to a.khos.. enjoying that comfortable silence..#(swoons) what a man
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I keep thinking about the mechanics for how to make kazumaji happen outside of adrenaline fuelled lovemaking , like obviously majima isnt going to solicit him for an actual relationship because whatever they have going on is already more than he expected to get because majima isnt a wanting man he gets dealt his hand then he plays (plus hes waiting for someone else , he cant leave and have his story end with kiryu , they both know this) , kiryu isnt a wanting man either i mean not for his love life but you know this guy fights like hell to get what he wants. He doesn’t exactly have a problem pulling girls but its the commitment after thats the issue , he always has someplace to be thats not here no matter how suave and charming he is youre gonna be wondering why he ghosted you for three years then find out he just got released from prison the point is that he doesnt follow through. Once youre done with him then youre done and very rarely is he gonna come back (unless he wasnt actually done with you). Majima offers to help him out in osaka and kiryu says no no no see ive left you behind i have to live this next chapter of my life properly now , without you. He has this inability to understand that people want to spend time with him thats not him helping them / repaying him a favour / working together to achieve a common goal. You literally cant assume he’ll be around you really have to cling tight or he’ll find some reason to fuck off and by then you cant even ask him to stay because Shit is it a good reason. Y0 nishiki got so so fucking close to showing kiryu he didnt need to have any redeeming qualities for people to like hanging out with him. He didnt need to be fun or like to party or entertaining at all , just him sitting quietly on a nearby barstool and maybe clapping along is enough to make his night fun as hell. Im sure kiryu realises that he can be distant and lack initiative , im sure this self awareness has convinced him that hes an undesirable long term romantic partner , and majima fucking up big time with mirei also forces him to internalise the fact that hes not a good partner either. So the two of them have to really really Really want something to start it because otherwise theyd be gracefully and expertly sidestepping any mention of commitment , pirouetting around the word “partner”, assuming they’ve made things clear when no discussion had taken place. They dont figure it out because its obvious to everybody thats not them, all the thinly veiled offers to be useful to each other, the leaning forward when they speak to each other , the open mouthed kisses with tongue , they want each other. More than one time , more than This... but how does one communicate something they havent realised yet ...
#Yakuza loveblog#now hear me out .. kiryu only asks girls out but he wont say no if a guy (he likes) solicits him (if its a guy he doesnt like hed be like#EW !! no !!! <- using his homophobic voice) so bear with me. kazumaji can happen the moment kiryu realises that majima is a girl#i like tht kiryu isnt interested in long term relationships but also hes kind of horny. a barker would be like Hey ! you look like you have#big muscles / a deep voice / masculine energy Sir do you want to HAVE SEX ? And kiryus like Now you got me interested#girls will sexually harrass him but guys on the street will tell him shit like Im a straight man but ....#anyway i believe that majima has to get the ball rolling before kiryu can take it the whole way because he decides that he loves this a lot#i think that they should book a hotel room in osaka for about two to three hours (kiryu is not going to risk doing it in the orphanage) and#kiryu loves him enough to tell him i cleaned my ass for this <3 and when majima is sack deep he asks if kiryu has had any girlfriends since#leaving tokyo (he cares a lot. he would be happy if kiryu got a girlfriend to take care of him) and he laughs and asks him how the hell hes#supposed to get a girlfriend while taking care of nine kids and besides .. he only likes him. right now kiryu only likes majima ...#i think he might cry from being told that. i really think he likes kiryu a ridiculous amount and it made him melt to hear that#sometimes a home is a person because you can come inside#and the only thing kiryus waxing is poetic hashtag bush nation#im not done. sorry for signing off. i believe that majima doesnt get jealous he might get a bit melancholy but he wont lash out because#kiryus ‘seeing some other girl’ he would totally ship them forgive my phrasing hed be the best wingman ever he would also drill kiryus#partner like hiiii so this is the lucky lady <3 and conduct a full background check on her just to be safe. kiryus precious to him he#gotta scare her a bit. let her know just how important kiryu is to him and how sharp his knife is haha take it easy though. hope you make#him happier than i could. i think their relationship will always skew one way with majima knowing everything about kiryu and kiryu knowing#very little about majima. he would be surprised to learn that majima is divorced. he was surprised to know that majima had a brother#in a better universe kiryu would have been able to identify saejima by description alone. as it stands i think he might have had an inkling#looking at ... ‘suzuki’ and thinking majima had a brother in prison .. hmmm ... somehow this guy reminds me of him ..... somehow#anyway he knows majima doesnt like to talk about it so he forgets his past and takes him as he is now. doesnt ask where all those scars on#his wrists came from. doesnt ask about his ex wife. hes content to exist as they are and majima knows kiryu wont ask and he feels bad about#it because he thinks kiryu should know .. but the words dont come out and kiryu is always so understanding ...#i think saejima makes majima talk but thats cause hes big on communication. he squeezes it out of majima and he cries hearing what he was#put through and majima comes out of it raw but lighter. see saejima is his best friend but kiryu is his special baby boy the dont need to#they dont have to say anything theyre just here for the company#okay im done hii hiiiiiiiiii hiiiiiiii hi
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i’m scFfredscsfed scatsdww scared
#i just wanna embrace my mania but i have work in 4hrs n i barely slept over the last 4 days n pulled an all-nighter last night#like ik it’s not smart to work a 12hr shift without sleep but Fuck i just wanna!! b awake!!#actually i’m lying down in the dark rn n it’s kinda making me sleepyish#but now i’m worried my body will want to catch up on +56hrs of zero sleep n i’ll sleep thru my alarm uvhhhh#i had work yesterday and did surprisingly well despite the all nighter i pulled ??#i got all my IV sticks!! n im getting better at burping the saline bags!!#my only issue is i’m kinda slow but idk i just get caught up talking w the patients or their families#like i like spending time w the kind ppl and joking with them and taking the time to help educate them abt their ailments#but i work i the ED so i gotta pick up the pace!! but also manic me loooooves chatting n that’s where i fell kinda short yesterday lol#but a pt’s grandma was so genuinely grateful for me taking the time to explain everything we were doing to help her grandson#she said ‘god bless you’ and her genuinity was real i felt she truly meant it#she even said ‘and god bless the woman who put you here on this earth’ n i was like#;-;tyvm i’m actually here doing this bc of my mom!! she passed away when i was 16 n the woman said a little prayer jsut basically telling#god to Reallh watch over me n im not religious at all and i hate god but my mom was v religious n i have no problem w others beliefs#but idk i was really touched i guess like wow maybe i’m not that annoying/horrible of a nurse bc i’m kinda unprofessional when i talk?#i just like to make light out of things to help pt’s feel heard and validity and i want them to know i care and want them to feel as safe#w me as possible during the#time they’re in my care#ik i probably just should’ve been a psych RN from the start but i rlly felt a calling to the ED??#also there’s a Lot of psych in our ED sooo 2 birds 1 stone !!#also the grandma told me she really appreciated how i spoke with them so openly and teach them things abt their loved ones condition#she said ‘never change that. your soul is beautiful and one of a kind’ or smthin like that n it was incredibly validating to me#cuz i felt like an idiot talking so much or maybe explaining things more than they wanted to know?? but the o grandma was soo appreciative??#i know i need to practice reigning myself in but with certain patients it’s just so easy to see them as another human being than a body#ok i’m kinda tired now but i’m fuxk dd bc if i fall asleep i’ll o my get 2.5hrs MAX n imsooo scared of not waking up on time!!#ok ok okimvinn finn big gonna go#ramblings
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i am so normal and not mentally ill at all
#ok so im sorry to ppl who see this post before i delete it later but#i really want to sh and the only reason im like holding back is because scars#i have too many already and even if i tell myself i'll only do a little bit in an area that's easy to keep hidden i know that it's like#an addication and it's so hard to stop once you start and then the next thing you know you're out of space#the 2nd reason is because i don't want to break my 62 day streak on the calm harm app#i'm really out here having the same feelings about my days clean from sh as i do about my snapchat streaks or duolingo streaks huh#lmao#i'm really fucked up huh#i just need a few cuts but i know a few turns into 10 which turns into 50 and so on and then the same thing the next day#i know what relapses are like for me. 6 years of this shit now#maybe i should have thrown away all those blades back in september when i got clean again after a really bad relapse#i know exactly where they are hidden in the back of the drawer of my bedside table#i didn't throw them away because i wanted to have them 'just in case'#i guess having them there makes me feel idk safe?#anyways so sorry for posting this#im truly fine other than a little stressed and the overall self hatred#maybe i need to remember that i kinda freaked myself out several times the last relapse from like the severity of the wounds#i don't want to cut that deep though. at least rn. but i know once i start each cut just isn't 'bad' or deep enough so i keep going#ugh sorry for posting this idk what is wrong with me (other than the anxiety depression and adhd)#self harm tw
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i think im allowed to assume someones consuming their kinks in a harmful-to-others way if I have first hand experience with them sexually abusing me, personally.
#do i think they always do it in a harmful way? no. because i dont see the world in black and white. statistically thats impossible#but i think its safe for me to assume the worst in this situation with this specific person. personally#instead of trying to make me second guess if i should be so harsh on my abuser and keep my arms closed entirely maybe#we should be confronting them on being a better person for once#yaknow instead of insisting that i need to heal or change or whatever and the fault all lies in me and never in them#food for thought#i promise me being disturbed by and wanting to avoid certain kinks isnt worse than them being sexually abusive. like i really promise.#if you think i do more harm being uncomfortable than they do by sexually abusing ppl then idk what to tell ya#and a lot of the kinks that make me uncomfortable and i try to avoid are the ones they have#forgive me if trauma makes me weary. i mean fuck dude it takes years for me to even feel like i can trust someone enough to be my friend#now you're telling me i hafta jump all the way to trusting ppl wont misuse their kinks towards me? im sorry what world do you live in#i already dont trust a lot of cis men for that reason it doesnt suddenly change just bc you're queer. i gotta know you're not#a sexually abusive creep to even BEGIN to touch the subject of kinks w you#which explains why me and my abusive ex never got that far in that conversation 😒#cis men have a lot of kinks that just hearing them makes me suspicious because personally i have lived with a cis man who sexually#abused me and was very secretive about his kinks and is the type of person to act one way but then is secretly a pos#so yeah im a little fuckin weary dude. im not assuming people with certain kinks are bad by default but id be lying if i said certain#kinks dont make me a little on edge to hear about someone having. and i'd probably take an even longer time sussing that person out#sorry but i just dont need to be sexually abused again. and for me rn avoiding that is being weary of certain things.#a lot of it is context too... a group of people pretending to be super familiar with me and wanting to dive into kink stuff right away bc#we're all queer so it should be Fine and want me to come to their place that i need to take a car to at night.... yeah gonna pass#but thats why im saying a good long ol' sussing is needed for me to feel ok. if you have an issue with me needing to feel like i#can trust someone to be around them thats just.... really weird. obv i cant always control that but i mean specifically situations i can#obligatory: none of this has to do w kink in public or anything this is all about my own personal life
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