#Sure wish I wasn't starting to spiral into depression again

[bonezonejpg]

୨୧ : INTRODUCING MY INK VARIANT INX

Based off of my personal experiences. A year ago I was in a pretty bad headspace and had created him to help cope with my situation. Came upon him again and decided to make a ref+ revamp !! Anyways !! Some info about him <3 Inx deals with Chronic anxiety and Derealization. Despite the fact that knows the world around him is real, he struggles to fight with those irrational thoughts that its in fact not real. He feels like he's in a dream while existing which causes him to panic, and will get intrusive thoughts about him or others around him not being real. These intrusive thoughts can trigger panic attacks which happen to him frequently. Instead of using close range attacks, he specifically sticks with using long range attack as much as possible. Getting close to his targets causes him to panic, and most of the time he's not in a calm enough headspace to react on time and make strategic battle decisions. He tries his best to support Dream and Blue from the sidelines. He shrunk from stress.. LOL Dream is one of his comfort people. The two of them now live together and he spends most if not all of his time with Dream. When not around the other he can panic or go into spirals which take a very severe toll on his mental health. Because of this Dream makes sure to stay close to him and tries his best to accommodate him. He does have medication he uses sometimes, but he only uses it when having severe panic attacks. The viles are extremely hard to continuously manufacture so he has instead developed coping skills to deal with his issues best he can instead of taking his "medication" 24/7. The viles basically help him calm down and sort of reset his magic nervous system or whatever it would be so his panicking starts to cease. It doesn't last forever, but its a really good feeling when he takes it and it reminds him of how he used to be before dealing with all of this. These issues completely popped out of nowhere and the root cause is unknown by him and others around him. He had a thought that the world "wasn't real" and then got triggered into his first panic attack which then spread out into the issues he now has. [Literally exactly what happened to me except I'm okay now! Well sort of, not the same but def a LOT better :3] His eye will flash a bunch of different colors when he's about to have a panic attack or having one. This is a telltale sign that his stress has pretty much reached his limit and he's at his breaking point. He will leak and spill Ink from his mouth when trying to express the thoughts going on in his mind or his emotions. This is because his anxiety causes him to assume others will think he is annoying or attention seeking so he literally becomes choked up on his own words. Inx deals with constant paranoia that no one likes him and everyone finds him to be a burden. Despite others and himself trying to reassure himself, the sinking feeling that no one truly loves him also resides deep inside his bones. He doesn't get a lot of his sleep because of his derealization and anxiety. Constantly being in a state of panic makes it quite hard for him to rest because his body can't calm down enough to actually relax so he can fall asleep. He usually can only rest when with another person with some TV playing, or when he is so exhausted he literally cannot stay awake anymore.

Inx still enjoys to draw and visit AUs, it just has become quite difficult now because of the amount of stress he deals with. Obviously this has caused him to become pretty depressed so he has a really hard time picking up his hobbies, but he still attempts to use them as coping mechanisms even if he can't really make anything detailed anymore. Inx will constantly think about how he used to be before all of this and will wish that he could go back in time and just be normal again because he's so exhausted from everything.

Alrighty... For now thats all I can really think about!! I probably will look back at this and be like "awh dang why didn't I add this.." So expect me to most likely edit this little post at some point !! Also, all of these facts are 100% based off of experiences that I have went through. If you have any questions then feel free to send me an ask and I'll totally answer !! Plus some old art from when I first made him in 2023 when I was having that EP

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy reading all this despite it being super long... heh.. I'LL SEE U LATUR !!

[shadyvoidhologram]

I was laying in bed overthinking, as you do, and started to go on a depressive doom spiral. And then, to distract myself I started thinking about the things I like.

[Spoilers and some gross details incoming, you know what Mouthwashing is about]

So, eventually I started thinking about Curly being in a similar headspace as I was, laying down, incapable of doing anything, constantly in pain and hearing time and time again how quickly things are going to shit and that it's all your fault.

Him replaying his mistakes over and over on his head, imagining the many ways things could've gone a different way if only he had done something instead of ignoring the issues to "keep the peace".

Remembering every interaction that led to the accident, Anya's confession, his friends poorly disguised resentment, him ignoring and filtering details of his crew's mental state, her taking the gun, the notice, Jimmy.

Him being a coward and disguising his hate of confrontation with the guise of being a good friend.

And then comming back to reality, to is burning flesh. To the blood, shit and bile staining the bandages, robe and bed, to watching and hearing his friends suffer and die, unable to do anything.

When the kid dies, in the midst of all the emotional chaos, he feels some sick sense of relief knowing that probably Swansea will deal with both of them quickly and it'll be over at last.

Then Jimmy finds the gun.

And he can't help but laugh. He remembers the conversation they had and he cackles bitterly because not even in death can her wishes be respected. She trusted him and he failed her even after she was gone.

Soon enough it's just the two of them left.

Through muffled ears he hears Jimmy rambling, talking to himself, asking questions and answering right after, he sees him moving the bodies around. When Jimmy carries him from the infirmary to the common room table he's still as stone, not a sound leaves his mouth, he doesn't look at the bodies thrown on the chairs around the table, he doesn't even breathe.

But all of Jimmy's attention, hatred, idolatry, and envy are on him only. Eyes glossy, cut pieces of a one sided conversation and a tentative smile on his lips when he reaches for the slightly dented knife.

He screams until his lungs close and his throat burns. When he's fed parts of himself he cries and throws up until he is forced to swallow and keep it down.

He's dehidrated, half delirious from the blood loss and emotionally checked out when Jimmy picks him up and tells him they can still fix this, he knows what to do. That he's going home.

Sure, he thinks, he wants to go home.

When he's placed on the cryopod he just stares at Jimmy talk to himself at him some more, about being heroes and everything being all right now. Then he steps out of sight.

It's on the silence after the loud bang when his brain starts working again, he's completely and utterly alone on a crashed ship of a company that's closing it's doors, with a now depleted shipment that wasn't even important enough to guarantee a search party, and no way of fending for himself in the case of 20 years passing and no one coming, even less if the power gave out before that.

As the cryopod finally starts to cool, the few tears he has left fall from his remaining eye.

He hopes he doesn't wake up to see what happens next.

..ok see y'all when I wake up-

[thelooniemoonie]

Look at how far we've come (Happy 25th birthday to me!)

I'm gonna put some of my thoughts under the cut here, so if you wanna hear me reflect or get personal for a second feel free to scroll past. (CW: mentions of suicide, and other dark topics)

I'm writing this the day or so before queuing this so by the time you read it it will be my birthday but I'm writing this on like. Wednesday

And...well? I guess I'm turning 25? I know it's technically a big milestone because it's like 25% through your life or whatever, but it feels....kinda weird? Like, "oh, I guess I'm turning 25."

I don't quite know how to explain how I'm feeling. It's not necessarily bad? I know we live in a world that puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on age and getting older, but i don't really care about that kinda stuff like getting grey hairs or wrinkles. But this is a new feeling.

It's more like....the feeling of realization once you reflect a bit. A lot of stuff has happened over the past few years, but once you actually turn and look back all of the events you lived through, you kinda realize how much you've grown. Going step by step, day by day, and only realizing once you turn around that you've climbed an entire mountain.

Back when I was 12 years old, I attempted to kill myself.

At the time, the future felt like a dark fog with nothing ahead in sight. I was living in dangerous abusive conditions with my father, severely depressed, and actively spiralling with my own identity, let alone my place in the world. The future was nonexistent.

Now...when I reflect back on that period of my life, it feels like worlds away now.

(Also don't worry if you're reading this and feel concern for me, I haven't felt any suicidal feelings in practically a decade now. I'm sure as hard things may seem sometimes, I genuinely am miles away from that headspace and do not intend to hurt myself in any way.)

It's kinda weird knowing back when I was younger (which isn't that long ago, to be fair) that I already felt like my life was over. Like I just wasn't gonna get into university, I was gonna drop out, I'm gonna have to navigate the entire trajectory of my life in that deep fog.....

.....and now realizing where I am? It's weird. Like I didn't plan for any of this. I should be dead. I'm just winging this entire thing.

But.... it's also realizing that I'm gonna be fine.

To be perfectly honest, this year has been kinda rough for me. While I don't talk about my personal life too much on here I was pretty miserable the first 4 months due to getting screwed over during the start of my Masters, plus not seeing my irl friends for a while hasn't been ideal either. (I also feel kinda shitty complaining about these things in general, as I'm well aware these kinds of opportunities are things not everyone is able to get, and I know there's friends and others that have it worse off than me, so I just kinda keep that shit to myself)

But I've also come a long way haven't I? I've managed to graduate in the middle of a pandemic, managed to land a job helping the covid pandemic in my province, got my drivers licence, made memories with the ones I love and meeting new people, slowly becoming more independent and now doing climate change research for my Masters degree? It's...something.

It's kinda the feeling of your world being very small, like a tiny space where the fog obscures anything outside your view, and slowly it fading away and your world getting bigger. Like sure I can't 100% see the future, but it's important to reflect on knowing what that world was like before.

I wish I had something poetic here or a message or life lesson to articulate my thoughts. But that doesn't really work here. (I'm also being careful to focus on positive aspects of my life here, as it wouldn't really be great to focus on the more negative aspects, like that time I almost died again (this time not on purpose, I promise) in a car crash in 2020 or a really bad breakup I had with a group of friends. But I suppose that's just life, isn't it? You really get a wide variety of experiences, good or bad)

I can't really say my life is 100% improved at this point either, things still aren't perfect as I'm still living with my mom, a closeted queer, and I'm sure there's a lot that I still need to learn and considering, the uh, well (vaguely gestures at all the current events going on right now) stuff....going on........there's still a lot of work to be done.

Dandelions in the spring. A shining moon on a dark night. The first seedling after a forest fire. Fading scars. Light from a birthday candle held in your hands, carrying wishes in the wind long after they burn out.

Hope, I guess.

Anyway if you read this far here's my official adult™ tips from my experience:

If you wear jewellery that tarnishes quickly line a bowl with tinfoil shiny side up, place jewellery in the bowl with equal parts baking soda and salt, and pour boiling water over everything and leave for 5 minutes

Invest in a cushion that supports your tailbone. You have no idea how many office chairs have shit ergonomic design.

[thefrogdalorian]

It's New Year's Eve and I just wanted to share some mushy thoughts about life and Mando and Din and how this year has been overall for me!!

If you don't want to read below the cut I just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year!! I hope you have a wonderful time, whatever you do to celebrate. I'm currently on a trip so I may not be terribly active, but if you're struggling and the emotions of the day are a little too much, please do message me. I've been there plenty of times. You're not alone. NYE should really be about looking to the future rather than dwelling on the past, but I know how easy it is to get caught up in that depressive loop of thinking.

But if you do want to keep reading, then strap in for some Oversharing Online and gushing about how much Mando means to me:

I first started watching Mando during the pandemic in 2020, I think the first episode released like 2 days after the UK went into lockdown or something. 2020 was an awful year for me, as I'm sure it was for so many of you. A lot of things happened to me that I'm still trying to process but I hope to start therapy in the new year and go some way to addressing it.

Anyway, The Mandalorian came to me at a time I dearly needed it. It was welcome relief from The Horrors I was experiencing. I was hooked pretty much straight away, who was this mysterious man? What were his intentions? Was he good or bad? OH WOW THAT WALK. THAT VOICE!!! I loved it, but it wasn't until The Believer that everything changed for me. It went from enjoyment to full-blown obsession. I couldn't wait until Season 3 aired, and I think the expectations I had built up in my head could never have lived up to the reality of what I felt upon watching it for the first time. I was pretty disappointed most weeks, but I feel so differently now.

This year has been pretty strange for me. I had some amazing highs (like being able to go to Star Wars Celebration where I got to see so many amazing Din and Mandalorian cosplays which was an INSANE experience and I still kind of haven't properly processed yet??) and also some difficult lows.

In June I finally got my autism diagnosis, something I'd been essentially waiting for for EIGHT YEARS. It was a huge shock but also not shocking at all. As in, I knew I was autistic since being a teenager but I was absolutely not expecting to be told right there and then at my assessment. So when the psychologist looked me in the eye and told me that I was autistic it was somewhat of a gut punch. Processing it was extremely difficult but during that time I found myself drawn back to Mando and particularly to season 3. I rewatched it again and again fell in love with a season that I'd probably felt on the whole underwhelmed with at the time, until the last two episodes, which I loved instantly.

When rewatching it, I noticed things that I'd missed before, which led me to become kind of obsessed with the idea of Din and Bo together. I know not everyone enjoys that but that truly is what I love about media, that we can all watch a similar thing and interpret it differently! I don't think I'm any more correct about the way I view certain interactions than anyone else. Shipping should just be a little fun, not ruin your mental health or dictate how you treat strangers on the internet. And it especially should not lead to any real world harassment of creators and actors.

So in September an idea formed and between then and November a 182,000 word fic landed in my lap. That's the best way I can describe writing it for me, I was so fixated on finishing it and the plot just kept coming the more I wrote. It is by FAR the longest thing I've ever written and probably ever will write, but the routine of writing it and publishing it helped claw me out of a spiral I was in after my diagnosis.

And it was publishing it on AO3 that gave me the confidence to rejoin a fandom space again. It was a big step for me to put myself out there but I'm so glad that I did because that's what led me here, to discover this wonderful community who adore Din and The Mandalorian just as much as I do. I'm so happy that I finally found my way here. It was way less intimidating than I ever thought it would be!

I know that I haven't been here for the longest time, I wish I just got over my nervousness and made a tumblr earlier in the year so I could have joined in with the hype before season 3. But also considering how poorly received the season was overall, maybe it was for the best that I wasn't here.

Despite my relative newness here, I just wanted to say how welcomed I've felt and that is a truly lovely feeling. Thank you so much to everyone who has interacted with any of my posts and especially my writing in any way, big or small. It means a lot to me! I cannot wait to be around for all the buildup to Season 4, honestly. I know it seems so far but after midnight we can say it's (probably) only NEXT YEAR!

I have no idea what 2024 has in store for me. That doesn't scare me, in fact I'm quite excited about not knowing what will happen. I

Of course, I have some goals I'd like to achieve for myself but whatever happens, I know that Mando will be there to endlessly rewatch and whatever comes my way, I'll always have Din Djarin. He's the only man to ever exist! That gorgeous tin can who instantly soothes me every time I get to watch his silly little exploits with his silly little son. Where would we be without him, eh?

Anyway, whatever you're doing tonight to celebrate and even if you aren't, I wish you all the best. Stay safe, enjoy yourself and I'm sending you lots of love and light for the year. May 2024 be a healthy, happy prosperous year for you and your loved ones.

See you in 2024!

Love,

Spud 🥔🐸

[battyblus]

So I finished Fionna and Cake and I've just been trying to unscramble my thoughts about the theme of Love in this 10 ep series because it's very interesting. It could be better, but what can you do with 10 eps. For what was given, it wasn't that bad. Under the cut will be rambles and vague spoilers so like read it at your own risk, it's a lot.

Anyway, Love in some of it's forms (platonic and romantic) - can be a fortune as much as it is a tragedy. Love can be a blessing or a curse. It can spiral you into madness, into sadness, into a cycle of always finding your soul mate in every universe, etc. Of course the main duo is Simon and Betty - where love becomes an obsession. Betty endured all of Simon's obliviousness, all of his decisions, all of his choices because to her, he was the best experience she could have. Love changed her and she let it. Love made her sacrifice everything and she was more than willing, regardless of if it was what Simon wanted. But with Simon, Betty was his everything and her sacrifice meant losing himself too and falling into madness and sadness because even as Ice King he was powerless to get her back. And based on every universe he went through, he was never meant to get her back which sure can drive a man further into depression when he feels like his only purpose is to get the love of his life back. Everything Betty did was for Simon and he realized that despite them both being equally obsessed, they were never on equal footing. What do you do when you love someone so much but in every reality your love ends in tragedy? You learn that you can't make one person your whole world. Loving one person can't be your everything but it can be a wonderful experience that you hold in your heart and your memory. Love is letting go so you can heal.

And then of course there's the smaller plot of Bonnie/Marcy + Gary/Marshall - They're two sides of the same coin where (queer) obsession can lead to destruction and (queer) love being the guiding light away from the abuse they started from. What is love if not taking a loved one away from their abusive home and telling them that you would love them despite it all, no matter what form they took and who they became. What is love if not mutually assured destruction, deciding that if the world will end, they will die together because they refuse to let the other die by anyone else's hand. If you are fated to find each other in every universe, wouldn't you want to make the best of it (whether that's toxic or not)?

But then there's the smaller moments that aren't highlighted as much - Fionna and Cake's relationship and how much they love each other. Multiple times Cake was willing to risk it all to save Fionna or keep them moving forward and every time Fionna would reprimand or stop her - not because the ideas were bad (more or less) but because Fionna didn't want to lose her best friend. Yes Fionna had been depressed for majority of the series (especially after the Winter King ep) but it's not until Cake lashes out does she actually just start bawling. There's so much loss and having the one constant at your side can have one mistaking love for control and not the desperation it really was for Fionna.

ANYWAY there are a lot of interesting moments in this series that I do wish were fleshed out more but again, what can you do about it. I've also typed myself in a circle and don't know if this makes sense but that doesn't matter. I know the vibe I'm getting at.

[mental-mario]

Monu-Mentally Shredded

I didn't realize today is Mental Health Awareness day, but I figure it is all the more fitting then that I recount my hospitalization in the psych ward last week. This may run long and require at least a Part II.

The day started at 8am with a routine blood draw. My psych put me on lithium recently, and this was a routine test prior to my follow-up appointment to check my lithium blood level. For context, I have been depressed and suicidal for much of my life, but I didn't get it addressed until the last year because I was taught that it was shameful or weak to receive any care for emotions and mental health. I always felt like something was mentally "off" about me, though, and after sitting 9 months on a waitlist, I finally got accepted as a psych patient. I was then diagnosed MDD and BPD, as well as OCD, BPII, and ADHD. My older daughter was also diagnosed ADHD and ASD1 earlier this year, but I digress.

This has been a particularly hard year amongst many hard years, and after I got fired I spiraled into a free fall. I stayed in bed and slept a lot, cut myself, binged on snacks when I finally did get out of bed some, and I was especially irritable and moody, even yelling and cursing at one of the school's teachers in the car line, with my kids in the car. I wish I could say that was out of character for me, but sadly it isn't. I did a better job in previous years holding my negative thoughts underneath the surface (not a good thing), but with going no-contact with my parents and sibling's family for a second time as well as navigating the choppy waters of my marriage, my depression, anger, and burnout became too much for me to suppress. It wasn't much of a surprise after seeing the lacerations on my arm that my psych "urged" me to go to the hospital voluntarily. I put that in quotes because he really said I can either go on my own or be committed involuntarily. So I think I made the better choice.

I had been to the ER once or twice before in life, but this was my first time in the psych triage and consequentially being admitted. The triage was locked down with several security personnel on hand. I was shown to a bed in a small area with a posted camera in the corner and a sitter to watch me, and they took my clothes, phone, keys, and wallet and had me get into a big green paper jumpsuit. While I waited to have another blood draw, EKG, and urine tox screen done, a large man with profound autism stripped naked in the hallway and pissed on the floor. Once the tests were completed, I was escorted upstairs by wheelchair to a unit that I could only describe as the holding tank.

I'm not really sure what the point of being on this unit was, so maybe someone can comment if they know better. I was brought into a room with 2 empty beds, a bathroom, and 2 TVs with 1 on and no remote. The staff had me order lunch (I was in no mood to eat), and I was able to call my wife from the phone on the wall with the extra short cord. I'm not entirely sure someone wasn't listening in on those calls because the phone made some weird clicking noises when it was connecting. I went back to the room after making my phone call and was provided an atarax to calm my nerves. It worked, and I napped until lunch arrived. I ate very little of the frozen stir fry they gave me, but I did eat the bowl of grapes. I arrived at the ER around 10am, and it wasn't until around 5pm that I was finally transported over to the unit.

Security had me go through a metal detector before being let in. They said you'd be surprised what people do to try and sneak things in. Inside, there was a front unit and back unit, and I was escorted to the back. I was then sat into a chair near the nurse's desk, which was locked inside by badge lock and behind thick - I assume bulletproof - glass. I then waited for them to take my vitals...again! I looked around. There were probably 10 patients on the unit, and they were also all dressed in the same green paper jump suit. The lighting was all fluorescent in the hallways, and there was one phone hanging on the wall for patients to use, also with a short cord. I've not been to prison, but I do imagine some similarities would be experienced. The other patients were in the dayroom area eating dinner, while I was taken into another room by a nurse and another staff member as witness to strip search me. This made it feel all the more like prison, and if this was supposed to make me feel less like killing myself, it failed miserably.

I am going to break it up here, but look out for Part II coming up real soon!

I am currently playing Shredder's Revenge, and I highly recommend the DLC if you haven't gotten it yet. The survival mode online is a lot of fun, and I feel like I get a limited social interaction out of it, even though I have no idea who is on the other side of the wifi. With that said, I have no community or irl friends, so I would love for some virtual company. I am adding my friend code below, so send me a friendvite and message me when you're available to play. I am also planning to open up rooms from time to time in games for anyone reading this blog or my socials (as I get them going) to join via code, and I will post the code up with first come first served. So be sure to follow the blog here. I hate the term "followers," so I prefer to call you my friends, if I may.

My friend code is: SW - 4419 - 5159 - 3401. I will also post this on the blog bio for reference, as well as the QR code. I want friends!!...but with boundaries, lol!

[tightropeflea]

[ducky-died-inside]

Wrecked: Camilo x Fem Reader

Warnings: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, sad Camilo, heavy angst,

Genre: Angst

Summary: You die and Camilo goes into a spiral of depression

Notes: I'm sorry to my fluff people. I promise you I have fluff content coming, I just need to get the angst out of my system first. You die about a month before the movie takes place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You threw at your head back in laughter at something Camilo had said, your hair shining in the sun. He was staring again.

"I love you, mi camaleón"

He smiled at the pet name and decided to respond with one of his own.

"I love you more, mi vida."

Your face flushed bright red, still flustered by the pet names even after about 4 months of dating. Dios mio, this boy loved you so much. His first love and he already knew he would spend the rest of his life with you. If he ever lost you, he would become a wreck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were gone. You'd been gone for half a year. Taken by a disease that not even Julieta's arepas could heal by the time you found out about it. Sure they helped, but the disease won anyway. That last month when you and Camilo knew, was one of best and worst of your life.

Since you'd been gone, Camilo would still help the townspeople but not as energetically as he used too. He still smiled, but it never reached his eyes. He was ruined. He was devastated. He would often just sit in his room, staring at his wall. He was destroyed. He still wasn't able to visit you until one day. Your birthday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He made his way over to your headstone and started to talk to you.

"Hey Y/N. It's been a while. A lot has happened since you, since you...left." Camilo started to cry. "Casita fell and rose again, Tonito got his gift and can talk to animals." Camilo's voice broke. "I tried dating again, but it just felt hollow and empty. I tried to flirt again, but just felt guilty. I tried to kiss again, but I just felt shame. I couldn't love anyone like I did you and that wasn't fair to these girls." Camilo fell into a disarray of tears and self loathing. Why couldn't he just move on already? Why couldn't he just love again? Camilo started to talk again

"Days pass by and my eyes stay dry, and I think that I'm okay

'Til I find myself in conversation, fading away

The way you smile, the way you walk

The time you took to teach me all that you had taught

Tell me, how am I supposed to move on?

These days I'm becoming everything that I hate

Wishing you were around but now it's too late

My mind is a place that I can't escape your ghost

Sometimes I wish that I could wish it all away

One more rainy day without you

Sometimes I wish that I could see you one more day

One more rainy day

Oh, I'm a wreck without you here

Yeah, I'm a wreck since you've been gone

I've tried to put this all behind me

I think I was wrecked all along

Yeah, I'm a wreck

They say that the time will heal it, the pain will go away

But everything, it reminds me of you and it comes in waves

Way you laugh when your shoulders shook

The time you took to teach me all that you had taught

Tell me, how am I supposed to move on?

These days I'm becoming everything that I hate

Wishing you were around but now it's too late

My mind is a place that I can't escape your ghost

Sometimes I wish that I could wish it all away

One more rainy day without you

Sometimes I wish that I could see you one more day

One more rainy day

Oh, I'm a wreck without you here

Yeah, I'm a wreck since you've been gone

I've tried to put this all behind me

I think I was wrecked all along

These days when I'm on the brink of the edge

Remember the words that you said

Remember the life you led

You'd say, "Oh, suck it all up, don't get stuck in the mud

Thinkin' of things that you should have done"

I'll see you again, my loved one

I'll see you again, my loved one

Yeah, I'm a wreck

I'll see you again, my loved one

Yeah, I'm a wreck without you here (loved one)

Yeah, I'm a wreck since you've been gone (I'm a wreck since you've been gone)

I've tried to put this all behind me

I think I was wrecked all along (I'm a wreck)

Yeah, I'm a wreck

Sometimes I wish that I could wish it all away but I can't

One more rainy day without you (one more rainy day)

Sometimes I wish that I could see you one more day but I can't

One more rainy day"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the Casita, it was time for dinner. Everyone was busy getting ready for dinner with your parents. Everyone was in a somber mood, not wanting to think about your tragedy. Pepa was in a fret looking for her son, causing a bit of a storm.

"Dolores, can you try and listen for him, please?" Félix asked while trying to calm Pepa.

Dolores nodded and as she heard her brothers cries at the cemetery, she started to cry.

"Give me a second to go and get him, Papi. He's at the cemetery."

Félix gave his daughter a nod as he soothed Pepa.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dolores came to your headstone only to find Camilo shape-shifting uncontrollably, as he poured his heart out, kneeling next to your grave.

"Oh, hermano." Dolores hurried over to him and he sobbed into her shoulder as his shifting started to calm down until he stayed as himself.

"I know you don't want to leave, but Y/N's parents are at the Casita waiting for you so we can do dinner."

Camilo slowly looked up at his sister and got up.

"Let's go Dolores. I'm ready to face them, and I'm bringing Y/N with me." Camilo gave your headstone a sad smile and walked towards the Casita. He may have gotten some closure, but he was still a wreck. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well I'm sad now. I probably won't be able to get to bed tonight without crying, but that is my own fault.

I am so sorry to my fluff people again, I am just feeling too much angst right now, but I promise you I will write fluff stuff you you guys!

[friesian]

PoF Marwyd you say? 👀

ok yall. its time. tagging @mystery-salad since i know u asked but i didn't wanna copy-paste this twice since its HUGE.

i will preface this with a cw for suicide, talk of ptsd, and dark themes. also end of HoT, LWS3, and PoF spoilers. so i'll put this hunk of text under a read more.

SO. path of fire/LWS3 marwyd.

(THANK YOU TO @herrejorn FOR CAPTURING THIS. i don't think i shared it... now seems like a good time to. maybe if people like it enough i'll post it separately.)

as i've certainly shared, marwyd was VERY head over heels for trahearne. however they were never officially a thing, and marwyd was going to confess after trahearne got back from the fleet. that. never happened. he had to kill someone he was deeply in love with, with his own two hands.

well, after all that he was pretty mortified, obviously, and i'm pretty sure up until eir's funeral he was on autopilot. his mind was really trying to just catch up. find what reality was. i think he was in a HEAVY dissociative episode waiting for trahearne's. something to give him a sense of closure. even if there wasn't a body, just a little gathering of friends would be something to him. BUT, that never happened. when eir got a funeral that he attended but not trahearne something inside of him just kinda. broke. especially when not a soul really acknowledged it at the grove except for a lone statue, placed off to the side of everything only to be seen from the peripherals of the eye. it really did something awful to him mentally.

when he attended eir's funeral, he came in a black-red-grey version of his outfit. funeral attire. however, after the funeral, he just... never took it off. he kept wearing it right into the white mantle incidents and discovering that the other two dragons were awakening.

(old screenshot i have of it, i took this during my first PoF playthrough.)

this is also the time @herrejorn 's niddhil appeared. someone who he now considers his sister. closest friend. someone who he'd easily take on the world for. he lost his best friends in HoT (at least he thought he did, turns out their souls were split and now they're in one body again! that's niddhil.) and having someone who seemed so... familiar just made him feel so more sad, depressed, he wanted to know what happened to them since they just vanished during the explosion of mordremoth's death.

well, then aurene happened, of course. she hatched. it was a spark of life. something that he realized he never knew he wanted but needed. unconditional love like that, someone who just saw him as 'dad' and would let him do simple, stupid things to keep his mind occupied like play his banjo terribly, swim in a few ponds, cook simple foods for her to try. you name it. it's his roots of his 'childhood', if you'd call it that. he really tried to teach her all the things he wished he would've known straight out of the pod and it shows. all of his effort went into her.

however, that meant during any time outside of tarir he was a mess. everything was a fucking mess when he wasn't with aurene, and he had to end up being away from her longer and longer.

all of this, combined with the world spiraling out of control with the return of balthazar just honestly sent him into a BAD bad place. then he ends up returning HOME. elonia. and it's in SHAMBLES with balthazar.

everything for him is completely out of control. thus, so is he.

he starts engaging in some RISKY shit. illicit raptor/beetle racing that is high stakes, stealing things again for the thrill, probably high off his ass most of the time, acting like a COMPLETE asshole to everyone, withdrawing into his tent more often than not. and let me tell you, when i say 'asshole to everyone' i mean it. he's desperately distancing himself as he is losing all his steam as things are just more and more wrong.

he also won't tell anyone, but his memory has been... shoddy. not sleeping may do that, but he's realizing that when he tries to think back and think about the happy times with trahearne he just can't. his face is nothing but a smudge. he KNOWS there was something there. he loved him so much, but why the HELL can he only remember the scream of his death. it keeps repeating in his mind over. it used to be that he could remember the few last words but nearing his worst all he remembers is the sound of flesh rending and screams. it won't stop either, it just loops at night.

when the big balthazar fight hits, i think he fights for the first few minutes, but honestly... i think he just gives up. straight up. he stops attempting to shoot, or if he does i think he just purposefully fires off into the air to keep balthazar coming. marwyd honestly just lies down and dies, not wanting to go on like this. and he doesn't. he does die.

he saw aurene get caught FOR HIS SAKE and did nothing. and for that he feels like everything he has is deserved.

so, my death incident essentially takes a right turn from the one in game.

sorta. essentially when marwyd arrives in the realm he just confines himself to not knowing who he is, thinking its for the best, and stays there for however long it is before he starts picking up clues. he hears things on the wind. by being the naturally curious and bullheaded guy he is, he starts finding bits and pieces... and slowly but surely it snowballs into him finally remembering everything. he can see his memories of his best friends, of aurene, of trahearne-- who he was so desperately trying to remember. and he's reminded why he fought for trahearne, for aurene, for all of his friends. as he rushes to find his way out he sees niddhil.

of course he's confused. long story short, she is the gate guardian for him, and she will test his resolve. marwyd essentially has to outsmart someone who's walked beside him from nearly day 1 as pact commander. she kicks his ass! repeatly! she is killing him repeatedly. he's stuck in a loop. time and time again he's getting himself killed, but eventually he tries something new. he waits, decides to start inventing with the scraps around the realm, picks up a metal bar stuck in a slab of concrete and uses it as a hammer. this is where he essentially learns to be a scrapper. this is what gets him past her, and when she is officially defeated, she gently takes him into her arms, tells her that it's okay, it's over... and its time to go home.

he wakes up with the guild overlooking his body. it's only been a few minutes. it'd been what felt like a month in his mind. as soon as he was on his feet, still wounded, he literally clambered onto the ship to go make sure aurene is safe in his arms. one more time.

thing is, he picks up a random giant wrench from the air ship they rode in on. said he wanted to use this, and that he had a few ideas to try. only niddhil knows why he's able to do this. he also comes up with gyros thanks to that whole experience in death. it sorta just becomes his thing.

he's revitalized in knowing that he wasn't fighting for nothing, that he's always fighting for something, and that they're here, and they care, and they maybe he just needs to give himself a little more credit. throughout him going on his self-destructive spree, and being an absolute asshole to all of them, they still cared somehow. maybe he needs to just be a little less hard on himself. maybe he needs to just. open up once.

marwyd does start doing this, luckily, but only with niddhil. she's his only confident, and they're IMMEASURABLY close after this incident. they both have a newfound respect for one another.

though, his memory is still bad, he still has those moments. he can still be a snippy asshole somedays. he's working hard on himself, and he doesn't try to put himself in too much danger. for aurene, he keeps telling himself. for aurene.

he places his brown coat and hat back on.

and off he went to kill a god.

[athena-is-a-chaotic-lil-shit]

Let the Stars Witness

Okay okay holy— omg I did it! My first request and from an admired writer of mine no less!

From @kim-monsterlings : Hi and welcome!! Really looking forward to seeing your work! ~ If you would, could I request some form of friends to lovers with an orc? (Prompts maybe like, "you deserve better.") Thank you! <3

Since it wasn't specified on what their genders are, I hope your okay with what I went with! And I kinda trailed off from the prompt (or rather it's different but similar)

Anyways you'll know when you read!

•

Pairing: Male Orc (Duruk) x Human Fem!Reader

Word count: 2.2k

Warnings: None.

•

"You know, I never thought I would be friends with anyone here, especially with someone other than my, well, species," you tell your companion, your eyes not leaving the cloudless night sky as you lied on your back on the roof of his house. The stars were out tonight.

If you told your younger self that you'd be having great escapades (if running away and getting into a series of trouble fall under that) with an orc, you would most definitely cry your eyes out because you thought were being teased, taking it as a hurtful comment. You were sensitive like that. Part of the reason why no one would even go near you, afraid they might hurt you with a pat on the shoulder or with one word alone. You became the prime target of bullies, finding twisted amusement at your pathetic reactions. A crybaby, they called you. But it wasn't your fault you didn't have much control over your emotions. You were weird, asocial, timid, maybe even depressed. Having a neglectful family didn't help either, it just worsened.

•

The morning you met Duruk was after the orientation. And it was not so good for a first impression.

Long story short, you cried.

But since you're perhaps curious as to what happened exactly, let's elaborate.

You had your headphones on, the melodic sound of gentle rain played in a 3-hour loop and blocked out other noises, your eyes glued to the path you were on. You took long and hurried steps, wishing you could teleport to your classroom and hide in the back, disappear or become invisible.

You were distracted, or should we say, focused on the ground and expecting everyone to step aside and let you through.

Well, except for the one who had his back on you.

You crashed—not an exaggeration— into something- someone massive. You stumbled back and landed on your bum, wincing from the impact. Luckily, your headphones were safe (ah yes, priorities), detaching from your ears and landing on your shoulders. When you looked up to see who it was, you thought your eyes were gonna fall off, grow little legs, and scamper away.

Before you stood an orc, halfway turned to glance at whoever it was that tried to push him, his sharp tusks jutting out from his maw. His brows were furrowed as he looked down on you. Sure, he wasn't as tall as the orcs you've seen around the city and campus but still was over 6 feet, with muscles thicker than your thighs, easily hulking you.

You tried to get out an apology and run as far as you could go, but you just sat there, frozen as you strained your neck to meet his gaze, you couldn't look away. Your heart was trying to claw its way out into the surface.

Then you felt the tears swell up.

They cascaded down your face before you even could stop them.

The orc's eyes widened at your reaction and crouched down to your level in an instant that he almost fell over. His hands hovered, not sure what to do.

"Hey, hey, please don't cry. Please don't—"

"I-I-I'm re..really s-sorry p-please don't hurt m-me..." You managed to choke out pathetically, hiccuping in every word.

"Shhh now hey, it's okay. It was an accident— what? No! Why would I do that?" he replied. The orc peeked over his shoulder and to the sides. "Let's get you to somewhere, uh, less crowded," he added. You turned your head and saw that you had an audience, whispers went around as they sent pitiful and disgusted glances in your direction, only making you cry even more.

He proceeded to unceremoniously lift you into his arms, bridal style, and dashed away. You gripped the front of his shirt and shut your eyes. You were trembling now, scared of what he might do to you. How could you even fight back with your small stature?

It wasn't long until you felt him slow down and placed you carefully on a bench. The orc knelt in front of you, brows scrunched up as he studied your face.

"You okay? I didn't hurt you, did I?"

You didn't reply, only staring at him through your glassy eyes as you heaved.

You flinched when his hand started rubbing your back, his other hand placed on the side of the bench to balance himself.

He continued to caress your back and murmured soothing words in hopes of calming you down.

Your tears didn't stop falling until moments later when you came down from your initial fear, the warmth of his palm leaving your back once you did. All the while the orc remained where he was, at a loss of what to do next.

You rubbed your sticky face with the collar of your pale and blotchy crimson sweater, sniffing and taking slow, deep breaths before you spoke.

"I... I'm sorry for causing you trouble. E-Even going as far as to take me somewhere quiet. I...appreciate that." You thought you'd pass out with the way people gathered around you, it was suffocating. "Thank you..."

"I panicked," he started, "Sorry—I mean, it's okay, you didn't do anything wrong. I get that a lot of people run away from the sight of me, but you didn't, and just froze there on the ground so..." he shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck.

You shook your head. He was such an imposing figure to many, their first thought was most likely to get away or scream at him.

"You looked angry... When I bumped into you." You slammed into him actually, but he didn't budge an inch. Guess it was one-sided.

"Oh, that? Well, my brother scolds me a lot for having such a grumpy face, scaring humans away. Like he was the one to talk when he's taller and bigger than me! People would faint on the spot when they see him, I bet!"

The image your mind conjured up tore a laugh out of your body, two orcs arguing about how not to terrify people at sight was damn hilarious. When was the last time someone made you laugh like this?

The orc grinned, your reaction a contrast to that of earlier.

You opened your mouth to say something but the ringing of the great bell resounded, cutting you off. The two of you stood up as you realized you were late for your first class of the school year.

"So, uh, what now?" you asked.

"How about we go to our class, then maybe meet up later? Oh, fu— my mother will gut me— I haven't introduced myself!" He blurted out, his voice making you yelp with the sudden outburst.

Clearing his throat, he reached out, "I'm Duruk."

In turn, you gave him your name, taking his hand and smiled. "Hello, Duruk."

•

True to his word, you met again later when lunch came. The cafeteria was packed so you settled on getting the convenience food they offered and eat somewhere quiet.

Your conversation that day spiraled when you found out the two of you had a lot in common. From your favorite rock band to your favorite flavor of ice cream.

You both strongly agreed that vanilla ice cream was superior.

You agreed to meet up during breaks, always having something to chat about.

Eventually, you became inseparable.

He even changed and transferred to your class just so the two of you could be together at the start of the day rather than walk half of the campus to see each other every time.

You became best friends, sharing each moment in school, may it be helping the other stay awake in a boring class, or copying homework when one of you forgot to do it. Soon enough, Duruk started inviting you to his house to hang out. He did mention he had four other siblings, but he lived alone. You came by almost every night and on whole weekends to escape from home, only a few miles in between. No one would notice you gone anyways, but you returned around midnight, not wanting to impose on Duruk no matter what he says, so he walks you back instead.

You basked in each other's company. The odd and scrutinizing glares didn't go unnoticed when you two were together, but you shrugged them all off.

It didn't take long before you started having feelings for the orc, a little wishful thinking that you could be more than friends. You noted lately that his touches would linger seconds longer than usual, hugs and even a hand on your shoulder and back seem to be warmer and —you dare say— affectionate. It weighed heavily on your heart, your simple crush turned into something else, and it only grew with each passing day, and every laugh you shared.

But of course, you swatted those away, buried them deep inside every damn time they climb back up. Who could even love you? Yes, you have Duruk, he likes you, you think. But that's the end of it. Just close buddies. You can't take the risk of ruining your friendship with him and make things awkward with the only one you had! What if he stops talking to you, weirded out by your confession? You don't want to go back to being alone again, your heart can't take the rejection that came with it.

So you endured.

•

A little over five months ever since the embarrassing accident, here you are now, stargazing with your best friend.

"Well, good thing you didn't watch where you were going that time then," he says, chuckling beside you. His hands cushioned his head against the hard surface. "I wouldn't have..." he trails off.

"Hm, what?" you ask. Duruk went silent and didn't answer you for a time. You were about to let it slide but then he breathes in audibly.

"I wouldn't have met an angel if you did. Should've caught you in my arms, but sadly I didn't move fast enough." He replies, his voice deep and mellow.

You straighten up and turn to face him, your brows shot up, incredulous to what he just implied.

"W-Wait. What?" you squeak, your heart thumping hard in your chest, your skin warming up even in the chilled night air.

Is he—

"You're so cute, y'know that? Fuck it, it's all or nothing," he whispers under his breath as he sits up to face you. His expression was unreadable, but you see in his mahogany eyes a familiar glint of determination. "I'm not good with long-ass speeches so I'll make this short," he breathes in before he continues, "I feel something for you, for a while now, more than a best friend does, like...in a romantic sense. I want to cherish you and hold you in my arms every time I see you, I- ah fuck- damn it I just—" he growls, "I love you, so much and if you don't love me back then please re—"

You shut him off with your lips against his, Duruk's tusks pressing against your cheeks as you held his face in your hands. He was stunned for two solid seconds before returning the kiss, his arms snaking around your waist and pulling you close and into his lap.

You feel something wet roll down your hand and you immediately jerked back to see his face. The orc was crying.

Did you do it wrong? Were you so terrible at it—

"I don't deserve you... A monster like me doesn't deserve an angel like you."

Where was this coming from??

"Say that again, I dare you."

"I don't de—"

This idiot!

You pecked his lips to cut him off.

"You big dummy," you begin, "I love you too, idiot. You may be a monster but not what everyone else defines you as. I love you as you are. You're my best friend, and dare I say my l-lover now. Is that right...?"

Duruk gives you a small, gentle smile, "If you'll have me, then yes, for as long as you want me to be." He says, sniffling a sob as a couple more tears tumbled down his rugged face.

You never thought you'd see him like this. He was the one who kept making you laugh with his stories and terrible jokes. Before you, in your hands was someone vulnerable, his eyes soft and fond as he gazed into yours.

It made your heart pound and it hurt.

You leaned in and he met you halfway, kissing once again, deeper and more intimate this time. Real. You brought your arms around his neck, your tears spilling out and he tightened his grip around you. It felt like a dream, too good to be true, but the way he hugged you like you were the only thing that anchored him in this world made you believe it wasn't. All of this was real and you couldn't be anymore happier.

From above, the glittering stars, the light gentle as they shone, bear witness to two freed hearts, bottled up feelings gushing out like a broken dam as you embraced one another and lost yourselves in the moment of bliss, cheeks stained and clothes lightly damp from the tiny rivulets of liquid that dropped down.

It's a lovely night, isn't it?

[smileyoongle]

Masterpiece (A Park Jimin Yandere AU)

Summary: You thought it was just a painting until you bought it. You thought the man in the frame was beautiful until you saw him. You thought it was a masterpiece until you were ruined.

Pairing: Yandere! Jimin×Reader, Taehyung×Reader

Warnings: Contains mentions of smut, deaths, blood, obsessive behaviour and mental health issues. Please read at your own risk.

You stared at the painting on the wall, the mix of colours making you zone out. Taehyung sat beside you on the white couch, rubbing circles on the palm of your hand as you both patiently waited for your therapist. His office was pretty nice with all it's pastel colours and light toned furniture. You remembered when you once wanted to be a psychologist. It was a teen fantasy of yours after you had seen 'The Silence Of The Lambs'. Overtime you grew out of it, figuring that you had too many problems to deal with rather than helping others fix theirs and soon, you found solace in tubes of paint and the smell of new canvases.

The door opened with a subtle click, your head turning around to see your doctor, Kim Namjoon, entering the cabin. 

Taehyung let go of your hand and stood up, shaking hands with Namjoon while you continued to sit nonchalantly. You didn't really wanna be here, anyway. Thankfully, Namjoon knew you too well. He was an acquaintance of yours in high school but he didn't know you enough to not be your therapist. He was the best one in town and happened to be Taehyung's good friend.

His glasses sat on the bridge of his nose, his brown hair was pushed back, revealing his forehead unlike all the other days that he let his hair cover it up. You tilted your head and rested your cheek against your palm, your elbow sitting on the arm of the couch. Namjoon settled down in his chair and opened his diary, writing down what you assumed was today's date and your name. 

He finally looked up at you and smiled, his dimples digging into his cheek.

"Well, look who decided to show up after standing me up last week." Namjoon joked, making you crack a smile. Taehyung chuckled deeply, turning his head to look at you.

You shrugged and leaned forward, resting your elbows on your knees instead. "Safe to say, someone actually wanted to see me." You responded, earning Taehyung's disapproving scoff. It was his way of saying that he always wanted to see you but you decided to ignore it. What could you even say?

Namjoon shook his head, a breathy laugh leaving his mouth as he placed his pen on the book. 

"Tell me, how have you been, Y/N? Hopefully, you have been taking your medicines on time." He stated, looking at you with bright eyes. This was definitely a therapist thing. They couldn't really be sad in front of a depressed person right?

"Of course-"

"Liar. Now I know why Nan wanted me to come." 

You tsked when Taehyung interrupted, your eyes rolling in annoyance. Namjoon tilted his head at Taehyung, nodding at him as a sign to continue. Taehyung glanced at me before looking back at his friend.

"I saw the entire bottle sitting untouched in her house." Taehyung confessed, making you sigh and close your eyes. You pinched the bridge of your nose, feeling both their eyes on you.

"I told you last time. I can't take those pills, they make me sleepy and I'd rather stay awake." You snapped, clenching your fists and looking at Namjoon with a firm gaze that said you wouldn't change your decision.

Namjoon pursed his lips, already expecting this. Even after having talked about this a million times, you weren't willing to give the medicine a chance. 

"Why would you rather stay awake, Y/N?" He asked, rubbing his chin with his fingers. Your eyes wandered towards Taehyung, your breathing staggering when he gave you a comforting nod. You gulped, looking at the small painting that you had been admiring since you stepped foot in the office.

"Nightmares. Bad ones that make it seem so real, I-I don't wanna sleep. I think I've started to have those sleep episodes again." You answered as honestly as you could. This was hard for you. Very hard. Just as you thought you were getting better, everything seemed to be relapsing. 

Taehyung's eyebrows furrowed. Not in confusion. Not in surprise. But with concern. He always wondered why you painted at night and slept in the morning. Now he knew that you worked so hard just to tire yourself out so that exhaustion could take over. Because you wouldn't sleep willingly at all.

It was such a shame he didn't figure this out. He just wanted to help you. He really wished you'd let him help you.

"Do you remember any of those dreams?" Asked Namjoon, writing down something in his notebook. Your hand found Taehyung's, begging for him to hold it firmly and tell you it's okay. You had specifically requested for someone to be with you during therapy, afraid that you'd spiral out of control if Taehyung or nan weren't with you.

You tried to recall any nightmares that you had recently, your mind only gathering bits and pieces. You shook your head. "It's all a blur. I just remember being in that dark house and seeing bloody ropes everywhere." You replied, sighing when Taehyung squeezed your hand. You could feel your heartbeat quickening, the fear finding home in you again. And as much as you wanted to just get over it, you knew this session was far from over. 

Namjoon hummed, gliding his pen across the paper before closing the book and looking at you with hesitant eyes. You could feel your hands become clammy, your thoughts catching onto his. He was gonna say something you didn't wanna hear.

"I suggest we try PE once again." 

You immediately shook your head, sitting up straighter and mumbling 'no' again and again. You yanked your hand away from Taehyung, running your fingers through your hair. Namjoon placed the notebook beside him and leaned towards you with his arms stretched forward with caution.

"Y/N, just listen to me. We need to know where you stand in this situation and Prolonged Exposure is the best way to do it." He prompted, earning another firm NO from you. Taehyung decided to step in, his head turning towards Namjoon as he gave him a knowing look. Namjoon nodded in response and stood up, leaving the room without any noise. Even though this should be embarrassing for him, he didn't think much of it. Kim Taehyung was a rock for you besides Nan. At times when Namjoon had failed to convince you, Taehyung had done it. And Namjoon was sure Taehyung would do it now too.

You felt Taehyung's hands on your cheeks as he turned your face towards him. Your eyes were already teary at the thought of reliving that painful memory. Sort of reliving.

You placed your hands on Taehyung's, not paying attention to his words at all.

"Tae, listen to me, I can't do this. I don't- I don't wanna do this, tell him..-"

"Baby, hush. Look at me…"

You stopped talking, your lips quivering as you listened to his attempt at comforting you.

"Breathe. Just breathe." 

You swallowed thickly, focusing your attention on your breathing. You closed your eyes and took in deep breaths, feeling the way your heart calmed down. 

"Y/N. Tell me. Don't you wanna stop worrying about all this?" 

You pursed your lips, not being able to answer him. You didn't need to, anyway. Because who would say no to that question? Certainly not you.

"Don't you wanna just...live?" You looked away from his brown eyes, his hands still firmly cupping your cheeks. After a second of silence, you nodded. Taehyung smiled and brushed your hair away from your forehead.

"Do this. Not for me. Not for Nan but for yourself. Because you wanna live." He said, pulling his hands away and standing up. As much as you wanted to argue, you couldn't. He was right. Taehyung was always right.

"I'll let Namjoon know." Taehyung announced, taking a step forward towards outside the room when your hand held his wrist. You were still hesitant and unprepared. Could you even come out alive?

It's just a recording, you told yourself. 

Taehyung sighed and crouched down to your eye level, bringing your hand up to his lips. He softly kissed your fingers before smiling at you.

"I swear on my life, Y/N. You'll be fine." He assured you, your hand finally letting go of his wrist. You watched him leave, the back of his blue shirt disappearing behind the black door.

You closed your eyes and inhaled deeply, nodding to yourself as an indication that you were ready.

____________________________________________

Namjoon looked at you, his fingers hovering over the play button on the small black recording device. You knew all about the process of prolonged exposure therapy.

You were gonna be made to listen to a recording from the time when you had narrated the whole incident to Namjoon for the first time. The last time you did this, you were screaming after you heard yourself utter four sentences. It was painful, really. And you never wanted to go through it again but you understood that this was important for you.

You glanced at the door once, your heart sinking on the realisation that Taehyung wasn't gonna be here to get you through this. This was a one to one session and Taehyung wasn't allowed inside with you.

You sighed and gave Namjoon a small nod, clenching your fists and leaning back on the plush couch. You heard a faint click before a buzz echoed through the silence of the room.

"It's 11:02 AM and I am at my third session with Y/N Y/L/N."

You huffed, closing your eyes immediately to prevent any further panic. Your heart was slowly picking up its pace. It wasn't full on pounding yet so that was a good sign.

"Y/N, tell me everything from the start. What happened on the evening of 31st December 2014?"

You squirmed in your seat, letting out shaky breaths as memories from that day came back to you.

"Well...I was walking back home from a party that I really wanted to attend. Taehyung had offered to drop me off but I didn't want him to leave the party because of me so I turned him down."

You kept mumbling to yourself that you were okay. Despite the goosebumps rising on your skin, you told yourself that you were okay. Just a little longer and you'd be out soon.

"It was quiet on the streets and my phone was dead. I couldn't call my dad because of it and I had to reach home soon. It was time for my curfew so I decided to take a shortcut."

A soft whimper left your mouth, your fingers fisting around the fabric of your t-shirt. Namjoon's eyes were fixed on you, taking in your body language throughout and drawing conclusions about your mental health. Your eyes were becoming warm, the tears making themselves visible.

"It was a dark alleyway and we were always told to avoid it, considering the number of girls who had been abducted from there. But I didn't have a choice. Dad would have killed me if I came home even a minute late."

You heard the crack in your voice, reminding you how much you had struggled to get the story out. The images of that night began to reopen in your mind, sending your heart into a spiral.

"I walked as fast as I could until I was almost at the end. I saw my house in the distance and that's when I began running. But it wasn't because I was late. It was because I could hear another set of footsteps behind me."

You gasped, shooting your eyes open when you recalled the next moment. Your lungs burned and tears streamed down your cheek.

"Y/N. No one is here to hurt you now. Just a little longer. You're doing great." Namjoon assured, his voice somewhat offering you peace. 

"I was about to scream when a hand clamped down on my mouth. After that, I don't remember anything until I woke up in a dark room-"

"No...Stop it! Not...just stop it right now!" You yelled, your voice shaking as you clawed at your ears. Namjoon immediately pushed the stop button, the door swinging open to reveal a panicked Taehyung. You buried your face in your hands, your ragged breathing filling the room. Taehyung rushed to you, his hands rubbing your back as he sat down beside you.

You forced yourself to look up, your hands shakily reaching out to Taehyung's as you let him hug you. His scent had you calming down, your heart slowly falling back to it's rhythm. 

"You did amazing, Y/N. Last time, you didn't even do half of where you reached today." Namjoon praised, showing you his dimpled smile. Your head rested on Taehyung's chest and you smiled weakly at Namjoon.

You wiped away your tears and sniffled, watching as your doctor sat in his chair and began writing something on a notepad.

"I'm changing your meds. There are three pills this time. You need to take them once daily. Don't forget them at all. And yes, these are to be taken with water, not alcohol." Namjoon stated firmly, giving you a small glare as you hide your face in Taehyung's chest. As if you were gonna listen to him.

The ride home was quiet, seeing as you spent your entire time recalling your therapy session. You somehow got through it for the day. But what were you gonna do next week? 

You turned your eyes to Taehyung who was focused on driving the car. His jaw clenched occasionally, his tongue wetting his lips from time to time. It was a shame that a man like him was here next to you.

Taehyung was everything good whereas you were everything bad. You were broken beyond repair, hopeless, heartless and selfish. There were so many ways to describe you but you didn't have the motivation to put yourself down. 

The car came to a halt and you weakly pushed open the door to get out. You sighed, squinting in the sunlight on seeing your house. The big brick mansion stood out like a sore thumb in the middle of the green expanse of the countryside. Your house wasn't that far from the city but it was a good 45 minutes drive.

You followed Taehyung inside your house, your feet automatically taking you to your bedroom as Taehyung engaged in a conversation with Nan. You were pretty sure it was gonna be about your little incident today. You rolled your eyes, trudging towards your closet. You dug through your clothes, trying to choose the comfiest outfit you owned before settling for an old but big t-shirt with baggy shorts. You turned around after tossing the clothes on your shoulder, your eyes meeting the eyes of the man in your painting. 

He looked so at peace, it made you envious. Maybe you should have been a painting too. You wouldn't have to worry about life's problems at all. 

"You're lucky, you know. All you have to do is sit there while I have to go through fits of existential crisis every day." You complained, throwing him a pointed look before heading to the bathroom.

The hot water was a relief for your aching muscles. You could feel all your worries being washed away as the water cascaded down your body. You spent twenty minutes cleaning yourself up. You loved taking showers but today was just not your day. You just wanted to lay around all day with nothing to think about.

What a treat that would be!

Wrapping the fluffy towel around your body, you stepped out of the stall and stood in front of the mirror after opening the door to your bathroom. The steam had fogged up the mirror, your hand wiping it away to slowly unravel your reflection. But it wasn't just you anymore.

Your eyes widened when they met his, a gasp following soon after.

Park Jimin stood behind you with a smirk on his plump lips and a devious look in his eyes.

Taglist: @csol16 @thanksforthemameries @min-t-posts @xanny91 @silverstitchedsoul @truestrengths @jackgot7lo @jazzytfw @cassiescarlet12

@kpopgirlbtssvt @slut-for-fandoms @kawaiimusiccollection @butwhatsoft @baby-glitch @wickedbutlovely @siphite @vincent-stargogh @sarcasticsmolstiles @khantij @btsarmysvtcarat @pr1nc355y05h1 @sugasheart @yoongass @smolwriterdude @iamcrazyforkdramas @roseofmyst

3 AM and tumblr is being a bitch..... I'm so tired. Anyway, sorry if I forgot to tag someone! Lemme know if you wanna be tagged and tell me if you liked this chapter! Ily 💖

-XX

[arreisstorm]

BTS' Map Of The Soul: Persona

I am always in a continuous state of shock and awe whenever I even begin to contemplate the in-depth philosophical, psychological, and just overall intellect these boys possess.

Not only have they used various works of literature:

Demian- Wings

The Ones Who Walk from Omelas- Spring Day

but they have also been incorporating theoretical science:

Carl Jung's 4 major archetypes

since the very beginning!

And then to use a music industry as big as K-Pop to highlight the importance of knowledge and connect everything together...

That's beautiful.

It's genius!

So let me try and break some of it down now:

Carl Gustav Jung was a famous psychiatrist and psychotherapist who once proposed the theory that everyone's personality consisted of 4 separate entities:

The Shadow

The Anima/Animus

The Persona

The Self

and it was these 4 traits, or archetypes, that were believed to be the reasoning for why we as individuals developed personalities and certain behaviors. He also theorized that when an individual recognized and experienced all 4 archetypes that it would lead to self-fulfilment. So now let's break this down even further but from BTS' viewpoint.

The Shadow

From their debut through Dark & Wild, you can see that these were more chaotic times for BTS as they were trying to let the world know who they were, yet also trying to remain genuine at the same time. It's hard thing to do because, especially when referring to K-Pop, you are told you have to look, act, and exist in a certain way. You are to be idols and to model what's most popular when it comes to societal influence. This is exactly what Carl meant when he introduced the Shadow archetype. It's known to be the darker side of ourselves; the wildness and chaotic version that we use to try to repress some of our more negative thoughts.

BTS experienced the Shadow because they debuted with this "bad-boy" imagine and basically said F the system! Although they still had their personal beliefs and stances on life, they did kind of let themselves become manipulated by others wishes. Even some of the boys have had regrets towards the way they first acted. I mean RM, then Rap Monster, openly expressed how he wanted to change his name because he felt that title no longer applied to who he was. Same for the rest of the boys. They had just started out and were naive and some easily impressionable, no one should blame them for their early days, I mean I'm sure we all have times we look back on not too fondly as well.

The Anima/Animus

Jung believed the next step after the Shadow was the Anima/Animus, which represents the feminine (Anima) side of male's unconsciousness, while the (Animus) is the masculine side for the female's. This aspect was said to bring order or balance to an individual's life. Because we live in a society that is so concerned with separating one's gender as a way to normalize behavior as a whole, it has become almost impossible for us to have said balance because it is "not acceptable"; however, it's important to have those two separations to a person's behavior because it allows us to have positive and negative aspects for each.

Imagine if you had a man who was nothing but competitive and dominating all the time, yet lacked the nurturing skills of a women when it came to showing compassion towards a child or loved ones. Then imagine on the other hand, there's a women who has all the emotional capacity yet let's herself be pushed around and stepped on because she lacks an assertive nature due to said generosity and compassion. Neither one would be able to make it long in this world because they do not possess the balance from both sides to do so.

Relating this back to BTS, you can see the Anima appearing during the Love Yourself highlight reel, although it wasn't so clear to some until now. Most ARMY or casual supporters of BTS simply thought that these girls that appeared in the video were simply some type of love interest or previous relationship they had because including girls in idol groups' videos is nothing out of the ordinary; however, knowing about the archetype Anima/Animus, I have pieced together that these girls were actually not love interests at all, but they represented the boys' feminine part of their unconsciousness.

The reason I say this is because during the HYYH era MVs, you can see the destructive nature BTS are going through. Whether it be destruction of self or of personal relationships, it's obvious that they are still experiencing the first stage, the Shadow, and in order to move past it they must recognize the next one. The girls in the video are seen when the boys are at their happiest, AKA when they are experiencing balance from the uncertainty surrounding their lives. It is here we can see the growth of each member taking place.

(Photo credit: stussyjimin on Twitter)

The Persona

After we have the Shadow and Anima/Animus we move onto the 3rd stage: the Persona. This archetype is one of the most common ones that people find themselves unable to move past.

Societal constructs yet again have a huge part to play in this because we are constantly seeking validation from others in order to appease our own self-conscious tendencies. You see, the word 'persona' in Latin literary means 'mask', which is appropriate because when we reach this archetype we often force ourselves to wear a mask so that others might accept our perceived truths over the actual ones. Whether it be at work, home, in other public situations, or even online we all make the decisions to put on that mask, contradicting our own beliefs in order to seem likeable. These decisions don't even necessarily have to be life-changing, but any minor ones also alter an individual as a whole.

You see, where the Shadow's job is to let us repress our unacceptable behaviors to appear more relatable, the Persona highlights those new changes to keep up the charade of being accepted from what others expect from us. This could more easily be known as "people-pleasing". In order to reach our next stage the most important thing to keep in mind is that we as humans are not simply a sum of our Personas and we must find our true identity within ourselves.

Again, relating this back to BTS, it reminds me of 2 different concepts: Wings and Love Yourself: Tear.

With Wings, I mostly see it in the solos because each one specifically deals with some kind of pain or sadness due to outside influences. For example, in Jungkook's BEGIN, he mentions how helpless he felt during their debut and then how much it hurt him to see his hyungs going through dark times. In Jimin's LIE, he talks about his struggles with starvation and body imagery and how listening to negativity made him spiral out of control. V's STIGMA explains how he often feels like this absent family member to his brothers because of BTS' busy schedule and his inability to be there for them. Suga's FIRST LOVE expands on his depression and how he almost gave up his dream at one point, also turning his back on his first love which is music. RM's Reflection is almost like a conversation with himself conveying his insecurities and how hard he finds it to love himself because of how he's been perceived in the past. Hobi's MAMA, although the more happier track of them all, serves as a love letter to his mom confessing his hardships as well as how much he appreciates his mom for always having his back. Then finally we have Jin's AWAKE, where he pours his heart out about feeling inadequate compared to everyone else, yet he still is going to try his hardest. The boys showed us their personal struggles and how keeping up these charades for so long would end up tearing them apart. They knew they were missing the final link.

Love Yourself: Tear can also be seen in this way. In fact, RM explained that when writing and designing the concept for one of their most popular tracks from the album, Fake Love, he was trying to communicate the fact that, in life, we constantly find ourselves trying to fill a void in order to deem ourselves as whole, and often times this can be filled with love, but that doesn't specifically have to be about relationships. "We're saying that if you're not true to yourself, your love won't last forever. The love could be person to person, it could be between me and myself,".... "It's kinda deep."

See here he means that love doesn't necessarily have to be about a physical relationship, just like the Persona doesn't just have to be about the relationship you have with others. Even if the simplified version is often seen as "people-pleasing", it can also mean, in an inadvertent way, changing yourself or donning a mask in order to fool your own mind into loving those alterations you've made personally. Learning to love yourself and acknowledging your flaws is the only way to reach the final stage.

(Photo credit: dailyhoping on Twitter)

(YAJR#jkc at aminoapps.com)

The Self

The 4th and final stage to achieving personal fulfillment is known as the Self. This means that after having gone through all other areas of self discovery when reaching this stage there should no longer be any traces of doubts or identity loss left.

According to Jung, the Self is most often represented by the wise man/wise woman, especially when it comes to dreams. He once said that if there was a ever a time when a person dreamed of a wise figure, then it was an indication that self fulfillment is right around the corner. This is a lose interpretation though, it doesn't necessarily have to be an old man or old woman, some even think that people who serve as mentors to an individual, regardless of age, can also fit the profile. In the case of BTS however, I do believe that Jung's original idea was more of the inspiration.

If you recall during one of the trailers for Fake Love, there was the Magic Shop where the boys went to trade in objects for others. The vendor in charge of the shop could be considered as a sort of magician, which just so happens to be another character that is said to represent the Self. So knowing that and then if you see in the video that the objects traded by each boy connects them back to previous storylines, or sticking with Jung's theory, previous archetypes that can be used to remind them of hurt, pain, and darker times. The symbolism of this exchange can be interpreted as the boys relinquishing their previous lost identities to finally take that metaphorical step and receive the solution that will finally lead them to the Self.

Actually, if you look at the next MV that follows Fake Love extended version, you will see that it is the last song from BTS' latest album Love Yourself: Answer, Epiphany. The literal definition of the word 'epiphany' means a sudden realization, revelation, or insight, which in terms of the archetype, the Self, this could be a representation of the defining moment that shows BTS finding the final path to self fulfillment and true happiness. I'm not saying they've 100% reached the very top of the pyramid, but I do think that in deciding to make this the last track on the album, they are also treating the words as a personal message to all of ARMY.

This is their genius way of letting everyone know that the only true solution to achieving that final level of a well-developed Self, you must first experience a culmination of all previous archetypes and then integrate them all alongside the last:

One must learn to express hurt and emotions (the Shadow) before they can find a balance within (the Anima/Animus) to help counteract the mask and preconceptions (the Persona) others make us develop throughout life. It is only then will we be wise (the Self) enough to find the hidden truth.

Final Thoughts:

First of all, I want to say thank you if you made it through this whole post, I know its a little long and I truly appreciate it. 💜

Secondly, I want to reiterate that none of this is to be seen as a concrete answer to BTS concepts, song meanings, or their entire creative process as a whole, this is simply my thoughts and opinions and nothing more. That being said though, I am more than open and willing to hear both your theories on the symbolism BTS uses, as well as any constructive criticism you might have concerning this post. So please feel free to leave a comment ✌

Lastly, I have one more thing to touch base on and that is the recent announcement that was the inspiration behind this post being created in the first place. It's been blowing up the internet since it was first released, but in case you might have missed it, BTS has just dropped their comeback date (April 12th!) and the title is Map of the Soul: Persona.

See because I have such an interest in psychology/philosophy and especially loved studying Jung's work, when I first saw the title, and knowing how intellectual these boys are, I couldn't help myself from thinking that this new era could possibly have ties into Jung's 4 Archetypes. This then brought me to revist everything BTS has done up until now to see if I could be right, and that's when I realized they had already tackled the theory on the down low, or at least for most people; hence why I made this post, I wanted to create this in-depth analysis to help others understand the pure genius aspects that goes into BTS' concepts.

Now with that being said, if this new era and concept truly is going to draw inspiration from Carl Jung and his theories, then the above post is nothing more than a simple a taste of what's to come. Trust me, if it's BTS we are talking about, then everything I've said pales in comparison to what their truly brilliant minds can come up with. Either way I can't wait to see what's in store!!!

Thank you again if you read this and please feel free to share or leave your own comments. I would love to hear what you guys have to say! 💜💜💜

[tsvaling]

A theory on Allura

WARNING: depression and suicide mentions

I still have not watched season 8, but after everything I've seen and the synopsis my friend gave me, I have come to the conclusion that Allura was clinically depressed and no one fucking noticed!

Season 7 - when they're limping the lions to Earth, Keith took up the leadership role and tried to keep them on a set routine and schedule. Allura actually complained about wanting to stay in bed and sleep.more, neglecting her responsibilties. The girl who was literally their drill instructor at the start of the series, wanted to stay in bed. That is a sign of depression and even I missed it.

She went through the motions because she still had a duty, but she really didn't want to anymore. Once they were on Earth and the war kept her busy, distracted, she was able to hide her feelings better.

Now, based off of what I've seen of S8 thus far, Allura spiraled. She was hallucinating, seeing the man she loved and subsequently killed, tempting her to join with the rift creature... You know, the corrupted entity that fucked up Zarkon and Honerva, and is meant to symbolize substance abuse.

So, she was going into dissociative states, tempted by an easy escape found in a dangerous substance... and then gave in to that temptation. Um, pretty sure that checks off a few more boxes on the suffering from mental illness list.

Again, from the sounds of it, she was withdrawn and barely much of a participant in her relationship with Larry, just going through the motions in some attempt to try for something stable? Less painful? An escape?

And in the end, she walked straight to her death without looking back. I'm thinking that the reason her sacrifice seems so hollow (and I'd say this goes for Honerva, too), is because it wasn't a sacrifice - it was suicide.

Edit: before anyone accuses me of callously throwing around labels/ diagnoses - this is my perception, as someone who has dealt with depression since I was a teenager, as someone who settled with a 'nice guy' who didn't give a shit about anything I cared about and wanted me to cater to all his wishes and needs, as someone who spiraled shortly after marriage - engaged in dangerous behaviors and then significantly withdrew out of self-loathing, to the point of wishing I no longer existed because every day was pure agony to get through, pretending everything was fine even though I knew nothing was okay on the inside. I luckily got out of a toxic relationship and found some semblance of happiness, not perfect, I still have bad days, the demon lurking in my thoughts likes to whisper in my ear of how it would all be easier if I just gave in. Yeah... If I watch season 8, it's gonna trigger me more than the spoilers did. Whatever unspoken mental state Allura was in resonates strongly with me and it hurts. She died with Lotor. Her heart wasn't in it anymore. Her 'sacrifice' just gave her an easy excuse to end her suffering.

[1d-sexualdesires]

I'm feeling so bad about myself and I was wondering if you could write a blurb about feeling not wanted and H going on about what he would do if you weren't with him and you keep saying things like "you could be so much happier is I wasn't always sad around you" And H starts crying and stuff and I'm just sad right now and when I say H I do mean harry just making it clear but on a happy note I hope you have a wonderful day and I love you very much😘

I’m sorry that you’re feeling down, friend! I hope that whatever’s going on gets resolved soon, but in any case, feel free to reach out if you just need someone to talk to, i know how hard it can be to try and hold it together sometimes. I love you too, chin up! Here it is! -V xx

Miserable is the only way to describe how Y/N felt. It really wasn’t her fault that for the past few months things had just been going downhill, it was like she couldn’t get anything right. Harry had been really busy working on his new album, so he wasn’t around as often and Y/N couldn’t help but feel like it was her fault that he was gone so much. Some twisted part inside of her made her think that he was making himself busy in order to not deal with her. In all honesty, she was depressed. She visited her therapist every week for an hour and Dr. Martinez assured Y/N that Harry’s busy schedule had nothing to do with her, but her mind was telling her otherwise and she began to believe it. She’s not sure why Harry insisted she come along to this dinner party, she clearly didn’t fit in with these people and she wasn’t having a good time and it was noticeable. It seemed that Harry had, had enough of her attitude when he leaned over and whispered:

“What’s the matter? You look miserable, looks like you hate everyone.” He scolded quietly. She did her best to keep a straight face and responded just as quietly.

“I just want to go home, Harry. Just want to sleep, m’really tired.” She said and he sighed. Someone was in the midst of sharing some story about their vacation to Iceland when Harry interrupted.

“Sorry to interrupt you, but we’re gonna head out, Y/N isn’t feeling well.” He probably had good intentions, but she felt guilty for it and ashamed that she was taking time away from him and his friends. Either way they said goodbye and were on their way, the car ride was silent, she was staring out the window, mentally beating herself up for ruining the evening.

“I’m sorry for ruining your evening, m’just exhausted.” She said softly and Harry sighed loudly. He had a lot to say, but he didn’t want to be mean but he just didn’t get it.

“What has you tired?” He asked and she bit her lip, her eyes starting to well up. She really had no reason to feel so drained all the time. Part of the downward spiral was that she got downsized and hasn’t been able to find a job in two months. While she wouldn’t be opposed to flipping burgers or being a waitress, she didn’t go to college for nothing and really, those jobs are her last resort. Even then, there aren’t many openings available, she’s checked. “Well?” He asked and the first tear fell.

“I don’t know I just feel exhausted, I can’t explain it. Just want to be in bed.” She sniffled and he glanced over, feeling concerned for her. Yeah, he was irritated and confused at her behavior for the last month, but obviously something is wrong and he needs to find out what it is. “Like I don’t even know why you invited me… I knew I would ruin it somehow. I tried though, I really did, H. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone.” She cried softly.

“Baby, no! What are you on about? I invited you because you’re my girlfriend and I wanted you there. I’ve been a little busy, just wanted to spend the evening with you.” He stated firmly and she didn’t say anything else, so he just left her alone, he didn’t want to push her right now.

When they finally got home he just watched as she trudged off to their bedroom and  heard her start the shower. He didn’t like seeing her so upset, so he started up some tea to have ready for her when she was done with her shower and he waited, sitting at the edge of the bed, her favorite movie ready to go so that they could have a cuddle.

“Hey babe, we can still have a night in? S’only nine.” He said smiling, as she emerged, hair wet and body drowning in a hoodie, “I made some tea and I have your favorite movie up so we can snuggle.” He offered and she smiled softly.

“M’not really in the mood for a film, just need to sleep, Har. That’s real sweet of you though.” She said peeling back the sheets and slipping into bed. That was the last straw, he didn’t like to get angry but he was going insane.

“What is wrong with you? You don’t want to be at dinner, so I bring you home to spend time together, you don’t want to do that either. You’ve been sleeping nearly half the day for two whole weeks! I can’t deal with you like this! It’s so upsetting and irritating, I just I can’t deal with this anymore, Y/N.” He said seriously, her body was shaking with sobs as she slowly sat up from beneath the bed covers. He didn’t deserve this.

“Then don’t. You don’t deserve this, Harry. There’s just a lot going on and all I seem to do is bother you and make you sad all the time because I can’t get my shit together. Maybe you could be happy if you didn’t have someone like me in your life.” She was hiccuping, tears flowing freely. Harry’s heart had sunk to his tummy, making a heavy knot in his throat bob up and down.

“What are you trying to say?” He asked carefully and she shrugged.

“Maybe we shouldn’t be together. All I do is drag you down! You can’t even have a dinner with your fucking friends without me ruining everything! I don’t deserve you.” She faded to a whisper, “M’just a huge fuck up.” She mumbled as she sprang out of bed and into the closet, bringing out a duffle bag and he shot straight up.

“What are you doing?” He asked and she shook her head.

“I’ll go, I won’t be a burden anymore.” She cried as she threw open her drawers and he watched in confusion as she just stuffed things into the bag on the bed.

“Baby, please stop.” He pleaded, tears running down his face at the prospect of losing her, “Did I do something?” He asked desperately and she just walked back to the drawers and he stood in the way, “Babe, Y/N, please just talk to me. Please, I love you. I love you so much, whatever I did-”

“S’not you. You’re perfect. It’s me. I’m a fucking mess. First my fucking car breaks down and then I lose my job so I can’t fucking get it fixed and all this shit involving that is just a lot! I’ve been looking for work for two months and there’s nothing, Harry. Literally, nothing! All this frustration I have is getting to you and you’re just not around anymore or always busy. I know you’re trying to avoid me, I would too. Like I just- I feel like I’m making your life miserable and I refuse to do that to you. I’m ruining everything, s’my fault.” She hiccuped through her sobs and he just wrapped his arms around her tightly, her tears soaking through his shirt and his soaking her already wet hair.

“Baby, I love you so much.” He repeated over and over, refusing to let go until her sobs eased up, she was gasping for air from how hard she was crying and the pain he felt seeing her this way was killing him. How could he not notice it before? When she resorted to just sniffles and coughs he guided her to the bed, just shoving off the dreadful duffle bag he never wanted to see again and planted himself beside her. “You don’t make me miserable, Y/N. I love you. Yes, you’ve hit a rough patch but you’re not burdening me at all.”

“Are you sure?” She whimpered and he nodded.

“Yes, baby! I’m sure. I’ve been busy at the studio, we ran into a few issues and snags s’why I’ve been longer than usual, but I promise you it’s not because I’m avoiding you. We all have rough patches, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I eft you because of that? Hmm?” He asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I just… I feel like everything’s my fault. I know it isn’t, but my mind says otherwise. Like I feel so stupid for thinking that way, but I can’t help it and I feel horrible about it. Like I feel totally and completely useless!” She cried once more and he pulled her onto his lap. He just listened; he let her vent about her car, about how they let her go, how they promised to get her contacts for another job and never did, also how they weren’t offering severance pay because of some weird loophole in her contract. He had no idea all of this was going on and all he could do was wipe at her tears with his thumbs and nod along, he wished he could make her feel better. Once again, she had winded down and just leaned forward and kissed her softly.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I had no idea all of this was going on. Baby, you need to tell me these things so I can be there for you, you shouldn’t deal with this all alone, okay?” She nodded, “And then you threaten to leave me just like that? I couldn’t live without you! You’re the reason I try so hard and you’re the reason my sun shines and world turns! I’d go insane without you. What would I ever do without you?” He whispered, her face held gently in his large hands and she sniffled through a laugh.

“I feel so stupid.” She mumbled and he frowned.

“Stop it, don’t put yourself down. You’re so smart, Y/N. And you’re beautiful and nice and strong, you’ll get through this.” He assured her and she bit her lip, holding back a smile and he grinned, “C’mon baby, show me that cute little smile. Please.” He pleaded and she gave in. Her lips curved up high and eyes crinkled at the corners at the sight of him smiling wide, “That’s more like it. Now, onto more serious things.” He said and she nodded, “Take your time, find something that works for you, that makes you happy. I know you don’t like it much, but I love the idea of taking care of you in every aspect. You’re my girlfriend and roomie, s’not mooching or freeloading, okay?” He stated and she huffed, but nodded. “I’m serious, baby. I know you work hard to contribute, what’s two months compared to all the lovely things you’ve done for me for two years?” He asked and she smiled again.

“You’re literally the best human in the world and I love you so, so much.” She said softly kissing him gently and he kissed back, but with a little more oomph to get his point across.

“I love you.” He mumbled against her lips.

“S’it too late for tea and a movie with you?” She asked in a small voice and he shook his head, smiling softly.

“S’never too late to spend time with you, my love.”

[astral-orphan]

World War 3?

So I know I am a bit late on this, but like we didn't have enough to deal with, the cold war is apparently back on again? I was born in 1986 so I wasn't really around for the first cold war, so I don't really have a frame of reference for it. I know it should be a bit worrying, with the possibility of nuclear war happening with Putin and all but we couldn't really care less? Like obviously we don't want that to happen, but living with depression for as long as we have, if it happens it happens, no use worrying about it. That way we wouldn't have to worry about not having a 401k lol. I kid of course, but when you live as long as we have with suicide idealation, it's tough. Life is so short and there are so many things that can end life as we know it. No one is ever the villian in their own stories, each of us think we are the hero, doing what needs to be done for the sake of life and country. I'm sure Putin is no different in that aspect. I'm sure in other parallel realities/dimensions, that may have already happened even. It's def a feeling of powerlessness too, as I'm sure many Russians are feeling as well? It's not their fault Putin is in control, they never really got to vote him in, he's essentially a dictator. Any dissenting opinion usually becomes a terminal violation as well. Yet they have to deal with all these companies punishing the civillians in Russia rather than punishing Putin himself. It just seems extra cruel to me? That would be like if Trump tried to invade Canada or something when he were president. Most ppl didn't approve of him in the first place, let alone his actions. Tbh I feel that our government as a whole picks the President anyway, not our votes. The President is just a figurehead, not holding much power, and the powers that be already probably know who the next president will be. We as the American people have very little say in the matter. Also with witholding credit/debit services from Russia, we really are seeing just how fragile the systems are in digital banking systems, maybe we shouldn't rush to be a cash-less society just yet. Make no mistake tho, I do not condone what Putin is doing, he is seeking to re-establish the Soviet Union and that can't be allowed. We just have to be careful this doesn't spiral into a new war.

It seems we always have some sort of medical issues in the first quarter of the year. If it's not one thing it's another. Past few weeks for some reason we've been having alot of bad back pain, we are gonna be going to physical therapy this friday hopefully to get a handle on it too. I keep trying to do better for myself but how can I do that when literally everything is falling apart? First this goes wrong, then that, it's ridiculous. I know I need to start excecising again and try to eat healthier but I don't have the spoons to take care of all of this at once? I need my back better before I can start excercising. My doctor has been less than helpful about it too. It's so frustrating, I just want to get back to where I was, but I understand it takes a little time to heal. I just wish I knew what had happened in the first place to cause the pain. It is really triggering my hypochondria and that's never a good thing. *sighs*

[stuck-in-jelly]

Day 9: Witch's and Hot Chocolate

Me tiptoeing into the bnhawlw2018 tag: I uh can explain.

"SEASONAL DEPRESSION!!"

I'm getting better so I wrote as much as I could to make up for my tardiness @bnhawlwmonth

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This is going to be quick she assured herself, all she had to do was get some herbs. She told herself thing but starting into the woods she didn't feel so sure, the way the branches reached outwards to the world as is pleading to be apart from the forest itself, the errire silence that crept into her very soul whispering for her to leave, and the darkness of the trees cramped together hiding any sunlight as if huddling together for comfort or warmth. She really needs to stop thinking!

She just needs a few herbs from this place just a few, this potion required them and she was desperate. With a sigh the young witch reached into her traveling bag and pulled out a small wand if you could call it that.

It was stout but cute, made of ash wood the wand was adorn with many decorations and charms; around the entirety of the wand copper wire weaved around beautifully, from underneath the copper special runes were carved into the base ( Laguz, Sowilo, Algiz, Eihwaz, Hagalaz, Wunjo, Kenaz, and Ansuz) all meant to help her.

Covering the bottom base was a light blue cloth simply their to make the wand eaiser to grasp, and last but not least tied on the bottom by a yarn was several crystals and bells.

Last but not least on the top her name was carved 'Yuyu'.

Taking a breath Yuyu closed her eyes casted a small protection spell on herself the words rolling off her tounge by instinct. Opening her eyes she straightened herself and took her first step into the unknown.

The darkness seemed to engulf her and in seconds the dim sunlight was barely viable. She muttered another spell and her wand jerked small lights radiating from the copper before racing to the tip and out in the air and small sparks before a baby blue light appeared by her side and quickly leaped from place to place lighting the area and waiting patiently to see where theirs summoner would travel.

Yuyu kept her eyes in the ground hoping to find the herbs quick. Clove, clover, and Camomile. Just those three. And these woods are said to be covered in herbs perfect for witches then again it is also said here some dangerous witches casted horrible spells meant only for harm. Again she has to stop thinking!!

The wind picks up and the light flickers and ducks behind a tree as Yu tries to hold her bag in place. Strange. Her spells told her it wouldn't be windy at all.

Shaky it off she ushered the light and follow quickly

"Common on now, lets hurry then you won't have to be hiding there"

She was full aware the light had no sentiance but it felt nice talking to it when she was nervous, almost as if she isn't alone. The light obeyed and jumped up scanning the area quickly before waiting again.

Walking off the young witch failed to capture a faint movement in the trees above and curious eyes the followed.

As Yuyu wandered she found many herbs she couldn't help but stop and pick up although she didn't necessarily need them. These woods were strange all type of flora grew here even tho they typically don't exists in the same area, even the types of wood from the trees changed. Some serious magic dabbling happened here to cause all of this.

The light suddenly brighten. An alert, it spotted something. Hardly thinking Yuyu gripped her wand letting her energy speed through it and glow beating to the rate of her heart. She looked around eyes darting

"What is it little light? What do you see?"

She whispered desperately wishing it could talk back but then the stopped its panicked glowing and lowered itself down. Yuyu stayed on guard her eyes taking up every inch of the forest but only silence and darkness greated her.

After a few moments she lowered her wand the glowing dying and her pulse slowing. Maybe it was a squirre-

A branch smacked her square on her nose, the pain was quick but the panic was quicker. In the initial shock she dropped her wand the the light glowed in panic again, her vision was blurry as she fumbled on the ground for her wand

"ABOVE YOU!"

Her voice obeyed and her head shot upwards just in time to see a large long slithering form barreling straight for her face quickly she scrambled away just as the creature made landfall rearing its head.

Oh god a basilisk.

She never thought she'd have to see one in person. The panicked light continued to flash illuminating the features of the creature. The creature hoisted itself up on its feathered legs, the large talons tearing into the dirt as its scalied tail whipped around angrily. But She dared not look at the face.

Those eyes could kill.

Just don't look in its eyes

"DUCK!"

No questioning. She ducked quickly her body acting on its own only for imminently feel a large guar of wind wash over her threatening to draw her into its current but she dug her fingers and feet into the ground as loud crashes filled her ears. The wind slowed and her curious eyes looked upwards to see a mass wreck.

The trees that stood mighty before all crumbled and snapped under the weight of the beast. It squirmed and withered in clear pain, its talons grasping for support on anything. The light besides it flickered before dying completely

"Get up we gotta go!"

The voice pulled her from the sight as a girl leapt out from the trees running and scopping up Yuyu's wand from the ground and some feathers from the beast before dashing to her side pulling her up

"It'll get up soon"

Usually she'd be opposed to following a stranger deeper into the woods but it doesn't seem like there is much of a choice here. Their hands claps together tightly

"Hold on"

The girl pulled her own wand, it was carved into a spiral with decorative crystals logged into the oak wood. She muttered a spell a smile on her face, their bodies got lighter and squeezing her hand softly the girl dashed the world zooming by in a blur barely registering what was going on. In a blink of an eye they were in a wooden cottaged.

A really cozy cottage, they seemed to be right in front of the main door and to the right was a living room and to the left was a dinning table with a kitchen behind it, it the center was a hallway and stairs that lead to the top floor. The cottage was painted blue with white lining the frame, the furniture to compliment house was a pale yellow with blue and/or white pillows or blankets. Most of them had some desgin on them.

The mysterious girl slowly let out of Yuyu's hand before sighing loudly in relief and laughing

"Wow! That was crazy! Did you see all of that?!? Hahah! Its a good thing you're okay! Gee I have no idea how that big guy got there"

Yuyu could only take in the girls features as she rambled on and on, her hair was long reaching all the way down to her knees it light blue and curved and curled at the ends, her eyes were wide and blue as well with a light in them a spark only a child could have.

Then the girl was in her face

"Where ya from? Your hair is really cute! Is that bag for your spellbook? What are you doing out here alone? Want something to drink?"

This was too close, she could feel the blush creep around her face. She was really cute

"Umm I uh yeah would like a drink. Anything is fine"

The bubbly girl beamed wider practically bouncing over to the kitchen and and fumbled in her cabinets before successfully pulling out a pot and setting it on the stove

"Care to answer my questions?

She ask as she set the flame and dashed to a curburt full baking ingredients and sweets. Yuyu considered the girl for a moment. She did save her life and seems to be making her some hot cocca in her small cottage. There is nothing to lose. Yuyu made her way to the small dining table and sat down.

"I um I'm from a small village by the riverside. The river has been cursed and a lot of us are dreadfully ill. I wanted to get herbs from here to treat them. It would have been faster if I am here and I was just really worried about them..." Yuyu spared a glance up and those eyes stared at her with wonder, Yu could feel the blush starting up again

"I-I mean we are a tight knit community! We all basically know each other and I- uh just wanted to h-help" the girl smiled and turned back to the stove and stirred the chocolate

"That's really brave of you! I can sense you have a lot of protection spells on you but the water has also made you ill hm?"

That wasn't a thing was proud of but she knew the girl was right, her magic was weak. The light spell usually cast 2 blue orbs that circle around the summoner and usually they don't flicker in the wind. Yuyu sighed and barely managed a nod

"You should take care of yourself you know, I get you're worried about your village but you won't do them any good dead" her voice was cheerful and light and Yuyu couldnt help but feel overwhelming trust

"Guess so"

"What herbs were you looking for?"

"oh it was looking for Clove, Clovers, and Chamomile"

The girl gasped and suddenly abononded the stove and ran down the hallway and disappeared past a unseen door way. Yuyu waited a moment before footsteps ran back and the girl appeared in her arms were 3 large bags, she plopped them down in front of Yuyu

"You are in luck! I found a whole field covered in this beauties!! There was defiantly a herboligst who worked here, maybe they divided the area by medicine and poison! The outskirts of the forest are covered in poisonous plants but the center is beautiful!"

The girl rambled again as Yuyu cautiously peeked into the bag and nearly squealed with delight, there was a lot!! So much! Enough to help her village. She couldn't hold her smile as she looked back to the girl who went on about the plants and the amazing craftsman ship of the forest.

There was a faint smell of burn "Umm ma'am?" The girl stopped

"Hm?"

"The hot chocolate"

She gasped and ran back to the stove turning it off as quickly as possible and pulling the pot away from the heat

"Its not too boiled I hope!"

She muttered a small spell and a small gust of wind breezed over the pot calming the stream of heat, she left it before grabbing some mugs and heading back. One mug had Jasmime's painted along it and the other had Lilly's

"Which would you like?"

"The lily"

She nodded and poured a even amount of hot chocolate in each up before making her way bbefore making her way back to the table and sitting.

Yuyu graciously grabbed the cup and drank, it was different but tasted good.

Then it dawned on her. There is no way this girl will let her get the herbs without a hefty price. Clearing her throat Yuyu got ready to bargain

"So how much?"

"Hm? Oh! I usually put about ⅓ a cup unsweetened cocoa powder and sometimes add a bi-"

"No no! I mean how much for the herbs?" The girl feel silent and blinked in confusion

"How much? You think I'm going to charge you?" Yuyu went silent now.

Would the girl charge her now? She could feel sweat forming in her head

"A charge...oh! I got it!" Yuyu tense as the girl stood her expression turning back to its happy state

"It will cost you 1 date!" Yuyu all but chocked on her coco her face burning bright

"Really? A date?!" The girl nodded hopefully.

Well this is too good to be true

"On one condition"

The girl tilted her head intrigued

"You tell me your name"

The girl beamed

"I'm Nejire! Nejire is my name!"

Yuyu smiled, this girl had to be the cutest thing in the universe.

The forest might be cursed but if it meant getting her a girlfriend she isn't complaining too much