#Super Hemorrhoids

[2tonestarot]

Ron (Tiny D Pudding Fingers) DeSantis

In this Episode of 2 Tone’s Twisted Tarot Tales, Republican Governor, Ron (Tiny D Pudding Fingers) DeSantis’ Past, Present and Future is discussed. Subscribe on YouTube Today to Win a FREE Book! For every 100 YouTube Subscribers, there will be a Contest and the Winner will get mailed to them a Free Book!

[barbatos-sama]

gotta call the doctor tomorrow cause like, a Lot of blood just came outta my ass lmao

[little-annie]

🪱 Wiggly Wednesday 🪱

Take 2

Thinking hard about The Fruity 4 as roommates this evening. They're all idiots in their own way. Pre-Steddie. Pre-Buckingham. They'll all do literally anything for each other. I blame @eyesofshinigami ❤️🧠🪱

It's like...

Steve brings some guy home, expecting the apartment to be empty.

Robin, knowing that Steddie is end game and it's just a matter of, *idiots* and time, either pretends to be Steve's lover and gets super dramatic about it and the apparent adultery, all "Oh how dare you! My beloved, was it me? Did I drive you to this? Am I not enough? Is my warm bosom not enough for you to lie your head at night?!" Or she Facebook stalks the guy until she knows everything. Between her and Chrissy they'll know what he ate for lunch on his 3rd day of 4th grade twenty some years ago. She'll crawl into bed to lay between them and cuddle Steve like the other guy's not even there, fake snoring so loud she hopes it'll get the guy to leave. Literally kicking him in her "sleep." Or trying to turn him off of Steve in other ways by saying things like, "Did Steve tell you about the thing? Like the thing. *wink* *wink* the thing. Steve have you told ___ about your condition? You know the contagious one? He deserves to know. Steve, Babe, has your left nut dropped yet? Or is it still up in your belly? Hey babe? You need my to shave your back tonight or are you good? I picked up your hemorrhoid cream." She's a literal menace.

Then theres Eddie who is straight up planning this man's death. Also with Chrissy's help ofc. Truly her best interest is Eddie and only Eddie. Therefore, Steddie. Therefore, this strange man making Steve blush and giggle must die. Eddie's a bitch in the sense that he's the biggest cockblock ever. Joins Steve and thou he refuses to address at all on the couch when they're cuddling and straight up walks into Steve's room when it gets suspiciously quiet. He's no better than Robin, asking embarrassing questions and making untrue remarks. Maybe a few times he too pretends to be Steve's lover.

Anyway you slice it, I think these 4 would do some variation of this for one another until the two couples manage to get their shit together.

[brianhenken]

The Switch 2 will be announced this November in a Nintendo Direct

- Up to 4K 60FPS output when docked

- Enhanced Motion Control

- 1080p Screen

- AI catgirl that loves you very much

Launch titles include:

Super Mario 69, Yoshi's Tax Evasion 2, and Hemorrhoid Prime

source: My dad (who works at Nintendo)

[theseancekid]

when conjuring spirits on purpose, does klaus have any little rituals or habits to warm up to the actual seance like other non-super powered mediums might, or does he prefer to balls to the walls pure superpower through it?

Headcanon Questions | Always accepting!

hmmmm good question!! I feel like it’s pretty rare for Klaus to conjure spirits in any premeditated fashion— most of the time when he uses his powers it’s either on accident, or it’s purely impulsive and spontaneous (even when Reginald forced him to use his powers as a kid, Klaus never really developed any rituals because realistically I think Reginald would have found that stuff to be Nonsense and he would have forbid any sage-burning bullshit)

BUT!! even though my guy is very much a balls to the wall pure superpower kinda person, he does like to really curate the ~ambiance~ of any space he’s in. contrary to popular belief, Klaus actually does try to be very zen when he's left alone in his room, and I do think he actually has little rituals and habits that have to do with like, turning on his fairy lights and lighting candles and playing some music to make him feel Calm and Safe :) and as a result of feeling calm and safe, his powers tend to be stronger, so it's unintentional, but it works.

But like. If you asked him, on the spot, to conjure someone, he would literally just close his eyes and clench up tight enough to give himself a hemorrhoid lmfao.

[giggly-squiggily]

Amazing, Showstopping, Glamorous Blue Lock Headcanons That Are Definitely True Ego Told Me So #1

Inspired by a friend and I yelling about Blue Lock lately. Some of these are yours, friend. Thank you for contributing to my madness :D

Don't now if I'm gonna make a part 2 but eh? We'll see where my next fever dream takes me.

Isagi un-ironically Naruto-ran throughout middle school. He thought it made him look cool and increased his speed. One day he was full blown running across the soccer field and took a heavy nose dive- breaking it. He stopped doing it after that.

Raichi's playlist is entirely made up of early 2000's/2010's pop hits. I'm talking Britney Spears, Destiny's Child, Ariana Grande, and his queen herself- Lady Gaga. Knows all the songs and dances and performs them at 2 am in the Blue Lock cafeteria when he thinks no one's up. Has been walked in on multiple times.

Chigiri has a very specific set of bookish characters that if their name is even referenced he will throw hands. You wanna see this soft spoken shy princess swear up a storm? Drop a name. "Hey Chigiri, who's Gale Hawthorne-" "Don't you ever speak that bastard's name in my presence again."

Kunigami loves All Might from My Hero Academia. He's not at the collector level Deku is in the show but he'll quote the Number 1 Hero ("Former-" "We don't talk about the other guy, Isagi. There's only All Might"). Only Isagi knows what he's saying; everyone else has heard "Plus Ultra" but doesn't really get it.

Bachira is a fantastic artist. He gets it from his momma and it shows! He likes to draw the monster a lot, but he has drawn everyone in the room at least once. Whenever he draws his friends, they'll have little decorations associated with them. (Kuni's got a cape, Chigiri's got a tiny crown, Isagi has his own monster.)

Nagi can do the worm. He does mainly when he's already on the floor and is too lazy to stand, so he just kinda wiggles over to wherever he needs to go. No one knows where he learned it but it's absolutely hilarious to watch.

Sae speaks fluid Spanish from his time in Spain. This comes very apparent after Shidou pissed him off so badly he chewed him out in it. The mentioned man finds it really sexy, even if Sae's calling him a "Colossal hemorrhoid I have the displeasure of having stuck up my ass."

Despite his love for Horror games/movies, Rin is beyond easy to jump scare. His argument is that in those settings he's prepared to get spooked. Bachira can be as silent as the wind when he wants to be, so accidental (and a lot of times intentional) spooks are common between them. ".......Hi Rin!" "FU-!"

Chigiri is a great singer but horrifically shy about it. He sings in the shower when he's sure no one is around. Most of the tunes he sings are ones his sister introduced him to- things like "Uptown Girl" and "Tiny Dancer"; but he knows a handful of newer ones. One time Bachira walked in on him. The dribbler told everyone he knew about it but Chigiri flat out refuses to sing in front of anyone so it's more a rumor.

Reo on the flip side is a horrible singer and refuses to believe anything otherwise. In his head, he is a god of vocals. In reality, he sounds like Toad from Super Mario getting tased in the balls. Nagi has learned the art of tuning him out, so he's no help in disproving Reo's false beliefs.

Gagamaru has been the resident bug catcher since the Blue Lock Spider Incident of 2018. He's the only one brave enough to gather them up in his hands and put them outside.

[currentlyfckingurmom]

Arachnoid

Part 2: Little Spider

At nine o'clock the next morning, Rory is sitting in her lab, face turned down looking into a microscope, thinking about a certain blonde woman.

"Gosh, she was beautiful," Rory mumbles to herself.

"Sorry, what was that? Didn't quite catch it," a raspy unfamiliar voice says.

"Oh, jesus!" Rory yells. She turns around, and standing there is the Black Widow. "W-what are you doing here at my place of work, M-miss Black Widow?"

"Hm, you're cute, Arachnid."

"Would you keep your voice down!" Her pitch is an octave higher than usual. "And it's Arachnoid. I resemble a spider. I'm not actually a spider. Oid, not id."

"Oh, okay. So like hemorrhoids," the redhead shrugs. Rory responds with a glare.

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be off saving the world or something?"

"Nothing to save it from at the moment. Thought I'd do a little digging to pass the time," she shrugs. "Rory Jade LaCroix. Born September 30, 1996. About 5'8", 150ish pounds. Your parents, James and Diana LaCroix, died in a car accident when you were seventeen, although that was likely a cover story. Your sister Hailey passed later that night in the hospital from her injuries. Three years ago, your girlfriend, Abby Smith, was murdered. You were the prime suspect. The case has since run cold. You have enhanced abilities such as super strength, web production, magnified senses, and even more that aren't yet on file."

Rory is tense and on edge at the mention of her family. Nobody talks about her family. "Alright, okay, I get it-"

"You attended Columbia University with a double major in Biomedical Engineering and Chemical Engineering. You also had minors in computer science, forensic science, and psychology. You really took advantage of that full ride they gave you, huh? Good for you, I respect that. Now you work here. Duquesne Scientific Advancements. They pay pretty well, but you're bored here, aren't you? Can't blame you. I've never been one to sit behind a desk, either."

"What's your point, Widow," Rory asks with a clenched jaw. "I already knew you were looking into me."

"Oh, you did? And how did you know that?" she quirks a brow. Rory doesn't let herself be intimidated, instead relaxing her shoulders and falling into a mindset of playful banter.

"Since you clearly know so much about me, why don't you tell me?" she smirks. If the redhead doesn't know about EDNA, she'd rather keep it that way. It could be quite advantageous. The Widow returns the smirk.

"You're quite a character, LaCroix. You could be a useful asset to us."

"And if I don't want to join SHIELD?"

Natasha bristles at the fact that Rory knows the name of the top secret organization, but she doesn't show it. Rory is extremely intelligent. She knows a lot more than she lets on.

"Well, it's your decision, of course. But I'm sure my sister would love to see you around more often."

"Sister? I don't know your sist– oh. You mean the blonde? From the other night?"

"Mhm."

"Huh. Um, well, I'll think about it, Miss Black Widow. For now, I should really get back to work."

"Alright, then. I'll see you soon, LaCroix." The redhead leaves the lab, and Rory lets out a shiver. That was fucking terrifying.

~

"She certainly didn't jump at the opportunity to join SHIELD," Natasha tells Nick. "But I think she'll come around. She's too smart for the job she has now. Too energetic. She's like a little puppy, it's disgusting. She wants to get out and do more good, I know it. And she's got a major crush on Yelena, so."

"Oh, joy. So you recruited a lovesick puppy?" Director Fury grumbles with a frown.

"Hey, this was your idea," she smirks.

"I suppose it was. What did you tell her?"

"I told her that I know who she is," Natasha shrugs, "And that she'd be useful here."

The Director hums in thought. "Don't lose her, Romanoff. I want this kid on my side."

~

"EDNA, who's she talking to?" Rory whispers as she watches the redhead move gracefully down the crowded New York streets.

"She is texting a contact saved as 'YB'. The text reads 'I'm being followed'."

"Oh, shit," Rory mutters.

"YB says 'By whom?' The target says 'A knockoff Spiderman'."

"Oh that is so rude," Rory whines.

"Would you like me to implode the cellular device? It will not kill her, but it will do some serious damage."

"No thank you, EDNA. That's very sweet of you, though."

Despite her cover being blown, Rory continues to move from rooftop to rooftop, wondering where the redheaded SHIELD agent will lead her.

The woman enters a worn down apartment building, and Rory watches from a nearby roof. After a few minutes, nothing happens so she moves closer. She uses her advanced hearing to locate the Widow's voice. Once she does, she crouches down on the fire escape, peeking in through the window. She listens intently to the conversation inside.

"How long was she following you?"

"I don't know. I didn't see her for the last few blocks. I think I might've lost her."

"Hm, or you're losing your edge and she's standing right outside that window," the blonde says, pointing to where Rory is currently crouched down out of sight. Every muscle in her body is tense, but relaxes when she realizes that they don't actually know she's there.

"Fuck off, Yelena." The sisters move onto a more mundane conversation as Rory drifts off into her thoughts. Yelena. It's nice to put a name to the face. Holy shit I feel like a stalker right now, she thinks to herself. Clearly they don't think Rory is a threat, she realizes.

She sighs, feeling like she's invading their privacy, even though she's just trying to protect herself. She moves to make her escape, and accidentally knocks over a potted plant that she hadn't seen. Oh shit. With her heart thrumming in her ears, she doesn't hear the footsteps approaching.

"Oh, come on! That was my favorite plant!" the blonde–Yelena–complains.

"Um...oops?" Rory shrugs. "I was actually just leaving, so..."

"Nuh-uh. Come inside. Come. We need to have a talk, little spider."

"Yes, ma'am," Rory deflates.

Masterlist

[itsatru]

i'm burnt out

teaching is just one giant slap in the face after another from the students and the administration. the students are low, so so low - my current students are growing up ignorant and barely literate with abysmal social skills, zero ability to think critically, and the most piss poor work ethic you've ever seen. public school just isn't working for them. and the hemorrhoid on top of this prolapse sundae is that plenty of the teachers I work with are fucking doormats who refuse to demand any better, which allows for a culture of rampant abuse from my bosses, from parents, and from the students. sick of it. tired of it.

i've also been editing so much. trying to make some extra money - trying to someday quit teaching and make freelancing a full-time career - trying to stay afloat when shit is so expensive. I work all day at the school then go home and edit for 6 to 8 hours a night and then get hardly any sleep and wake up to do it again. I literally work 7 days a week and I have no time to do any of the things I enjoy anymore. and even with all of that work I feel like I have hardly anything to show. i've edited over 50 published books in almost 3 years and it feels like nothing compared to some of the more successful editors I know who have gotten in with better companies on more important projects.

this isn't sustainable for me. i'm so tired and frustrated and I feel super alone.

[gasolinuh]

i have a huge bone to pick on specific types of people who call others “posers”

the other day i saw a goth girl say that if you don’t listen to underground bands/songs of a specific genre of music then you’re a “weird ass poser”

i mean, are we serious here?

“if your top favorite songs are the most popular ones then don’t even consider yourself punk/goth/emo/whatnot” - are you the CEO of rock? otherwise why are you sitting there and establishing roles and policies? you’re doing too fucking much. i kinda get what she means but that’s just an exaggeration imo. like sorry, didn’t know that you’re supposed to only listen to super underground bands that only their dog knows the existence of; otherwise you’re a stinky poser.

songs become popular sometimes, what can we do about it? they’re also most listened to for a reason, it’s cos they’re good. nobody’s at fault if some people prefer them over less known songs/albums, it’s called having individual music taste!

i understand if someone listened to just one rock song in their lifetime, doesn’t have the mindset, doesn’t know anything about it and now calls themselves alternative, then they don’t really deserve to be put in the same sentence as a poser cos they’re not even trying lmao.

but telling others who they are and aren’t just because they don’t listen to underground bands/songs of the subgenre you enjoy or they don’t pick them enough for your liking is NOT it. congrats, you out-gothed all goths for listening to “Bloody Hemorrhoids” with 4 monthly listeners and then hated on everyone who doesn’t… here’s your badge i guess?

digging up all the underground bands isn’t a necessity, listen to what you wanna! don’t let entitled people tell you wtf you should do. that’s my take on it

[rockoblanco]

going to the doctor as a young adult vs a grown-er adult is so funny. like i used to enter being like “uh….u..uhm….. i would like a *whispers at my lowest audible decible* std test please ……….” but now i walk in and immediately im just like “hey! how are u? yea so i have these bumps on my butt , yea like right around the hole area. SUPER annoying, kind of itchy, PAINFUL. it’s probably just hemorrhoids but just want to get them checked out. yea like right in the heart of my ass. ok thanks!” for the whole ass office to hear like 😭 🤷

[blackfemmejeanvaljean]

I have a fucking external hemorrhoid that I've had for a year and don't have the money to remove. It doesn't hurt or anything and even if I could afford the removal surgery its supposed to be super painful. I feel like my sex life is over. Like how do I go about telling a hookup I have an extra ball of skin on the rim of my asshole? It's just always there taunting me into never getting laid again

Just publishing this let you know I am not a medical doctor and this feels like something you should talk to a medical doctor about

[cookiesandlynx]

SOUTH PARK 26x3 Overview. SPOLIERS FOR 26x3!!!

I'm actually writing this down while watching the episode, so there's gonna be more things I know and remember

We finally got our integrity weed episode

Randy playing Hogwarts Legacy. That's it

SHELLY SCENES! I LOVE HER!!

I like the look of their bathroom

Rest in peace "ol' blue"

Home Depot is an exact replica of my mom's work

This episode reminds me of "More Crap" from season 11 with its humor

I like how it's not a weed episode in general, it just takes place at tegridy farms

[BIG SHOT](I'm sorry, but I'm super into deltarune)

I like the look of that blonde girl

Randy being pretentious is a mood

Stan's voice sounds kinda different

JFK Randy

Randy has hemorrhoids reminds me of that vine

Butters is so adorable

Jimmy speaking facts. I love him!

What is Randy's middle name? My guess is Samuel.

Okay, apparently his full name is Randall "Randy" Marvin Marsh. Where did the S come from?

Randy muttering Japanese in his coma

Harrison Yates being iconic(The police chief)

The proctologist taking the home Depot hostage then shoots his foot.

Jimmy Valmer lore. He's an icon.

This is a really dramatic episode, considering where this episode started

We finally get Kyle in the 19-minute mark!

"Bro! I got ****ing shot!"-Randy Marsh, 03/01/23

Ol' Blue is back!

It's a very generic title

In conclusion, I really like this episode. It seems like something they would do in seasons 10-13. I think it's better than Worldwide Privacy Tour but not as good as Cupid Ye. I thought it would be a stupid episode about toilets and fart jokes, but it got dramatic super fast. Even if you don't watch recent south park, I would watch this one.

[notstinky]

[pm] Hi Thea! Happy April! It's a new month. Those always make me feel a little better. How are you? [...] Nora is in Ireland.

[pm] Hey, Wynne! Happy April to you too! Are you excited for the solar eclipse? I'm super excited. Thinking about it makes me so hungry. How are you?

I'm bald. And my ears have frostbite but it's mild! I did lose my meatloaf though :(

I know. I saw. I really don't trust Dr. Kavanagh. She smells like dead people and has ass bog lemmings, or something (I think this is a euphemism for hemorrhoids????). Did you know that Ireland doesn't have any bears? I don't know if you can trust a country without bears. It's like....who's eating your salmon then? Who's living in your crypts and painting and not telling their friends that they went to

[methinmycoffee]

Okay, to elaborate on my shocking hot take from last night, here’s a few things I didn’t like about the new episode (Japanese Toilets)

But First, Some positives:

It was decently funny, not perfect, but I laughed a few times. When it wasn’t relying on poop jokes I thought the episode was decently entertaining. The ending, where Randy stops Stan from continuing the fight against toilet paper by just going “I got fucking shot, Stan” was the best part.

I guess it wasn’t the worst possible Randy episode. There have been better, sure, but he was okay in this one. Still practically insufferable, but okay.

And finally, I thought that Randy comparing himself and his family to the Kennedy family was pretty funny too. Good foreshadowing, I guess? I jokingly texted my friend “Randy’s gonna get shot this episode” the first time he said John F Kennedy’s name, and then he did.

And now, the negatives:

Too many shit jokes. This episode is like 1/4 people using the toilet. I literally don’t care that you can take a fat dump on the toilet and enjoy it, please stop making me listen to Stephen Stotch use the bathroom. This episode could have fit a real B plot if they cut all those scenes, which leads me to my next point:

There was no real B-plot, which is fine, except they set up a real B-plot with the whole “Stan gets called rich by kids at school” couple scenes, and then it went nowhere. They also could have cut the scene where the proctologist shoots himself in the ass, and then you’ve got enough time to do at least something.

It felt like it wasn’t well paced. Like, everything was moving super duper fast, from scene to scene, each moment serving to only set up the next, which is perfectly acceptable, except then we took a two minute break from that pace to listen to Randy use a toilet.

Also some random nitpicks:

(Also negatives, but much stupider)

I think that one random blonde character was voiced by the incomparable Betty Boogie Parker, which is totally cool, except why not have that character just be Heather Williams? I am starving for pre-existing characters to have lines, I got really excited when Clyde spoke.

They retconned Randy some hemorrhoids, which was kind of necessary for whatever they were doing with him, but he didn’t have those before

And finally: I think this should have had a little more Clyde in it. Just switching Clyde out for Jimmy would have worked well, and I cannot believe Clyde’s only line in an episode was about toilets was just to call Stan rich. All I’m asking is that you imply that toilet paper companies killed Betsy Donovan in order to silence Clyde, is that really that much to ask? Maybe not even that, but give him something considering the other toilet episode he was in actually killed his mother. I don’t think he needs to be in every episode, but he would have fit this one so perfectly it’s ridiculous that they didn’t use him.

Overall:

This episode isn’t the very worst episode of the show, but it was very modern South Park, which means that it was an unnecessarily stupid Randy episode that didn’t add anything to his character or the show. If you enjoyed it, that’s fine, but it’s really not my favorite.

[schmope-is-dead]

hemorrhoid vent board (super sad)

[shortkingkenny]

ok gimme kyle and gimmeeeeee BEBE since you wanna brotp her with everyone, gimme the rest of the headcanons for her

(for this game!)

remember when my ass begged in the server for asks and then it took me until now to answer them because my body mind and soul crumbled into dust? because it took me so long, I'll answer both

kyol first:

1: sexuality headcanon - don't like that m&t have forced me to watch a paper cartoon person experience comphet live on television

2: otp - kymaaaaaaan, but k2 close second. annnnnd I don't really have any other big ships for Kyle

3: brotp - stanky, which I went into in my Stan answer.

4: notp - I don't really like kybecca

5: first headcanon that pops into my head - super offensive driver. experiences eye searing road rage. lots of creative language, lots of finger flipping. he sharks, he brake checks, he is generally a huge asshole on the road in his crappy little Corolla. Stan refuses to carpool with him because driving with Kyle gives him the shits.

6: favorite line from this character - same as you: "I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park."

impeccable delivery. this is what they should have won the emmy for.

7: one way in which I relate to this character - I was a sanctimonious little busybody when I was a kid too.

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character - this isn't secondhand embarrassment per se but it invokes a similar body response: when he gave Cartman fucking ants in the pants or w/e at his birthday party and he's like "it's really fun :)", I felt so bad for him. I felt humiliated for him in that moment.

like you know he was at the store with his mom and they were all out of the red mega man but he probably played ants in the pants with his family the night before and was like I bet Cartman would have fun playing this game :). genuine thoughtfulness. and he got his ass beat for it.

I could have picked the time he nuked Canada but I'll never forget the ants in the pants incident.

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave? - problematic fave

BEBE time

1: sexuality headcanon - bi

2: otp - ppppprobably clybe. somebody sell me on your bebe ship.

3: brotp - I'm always gonna be a Tweek and Bebe besties truther but here's ANOTHER Bebe brotp: Bebe and Nichole!

4: notp - I don't have one of these for her. I'm running out of steam. I should have let these asks go another day.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head - I forget, does she show up in a pink mary kay car? well if she didn't, you know that bitch has sold enough mary kay to earn one

6: favorite line from this character - this is recent but "you're lucky he saved your ass" really is so funny.

7: one way in which I relate to this character - I'd sell anyone out for shoes.

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character - her mlm bullshit upstaged only by Butters' NFTs!

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave? - problematic fave