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munchflix · 1 year ago

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MUNCHFLIX - STREET FIGHTER (1994)

IMDB BLURB: Col. Guile and various other martial arts heroes fight against the tyranny of Dictator M. Bison and his cohorts.

WARNINGS: Violence and just a whole lot of fucking weird shit

RATING: 20 Billion BisonDollars

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: So we're here again with the muthafuckin' street fighter movie which is so fucking great. Everything about this is absolute garb but it's so much fun. Raul Julia is putting his entire pussy into this absurd performance. Jean Claude Van Damme is the most hilarious "American" I've ever seen. His accent is so thick it hurts.

Biscuits: My opening thoughts are 'I'm eepy', okay?? (Biscuits is sleep-deprived again)

Dib: This movie was shot in a whole ten weeks and allegedly Jean Claude Van Damme was blasted off his ass on coke during the filming of this movie.

M: Watching his performance, I'm not at ALL shocked by that. ANYWAY. We open on uh...a really intense opening credit scene with a news reel talking about how bad M. Bison played by Raul Julia ( may he rest in peace ) is. Chun Li is reporting? Because she's a reporter in this?

B: Allied Nations, is this world war three???

M: Sort of, M. Bison is kind of the dictator

D: There's our man! I guess we just have like a hostage pit in M. Bison's doom dome? I forgot how shit the acting was. Raul was also years into battling stomach cancer when this was filmed.

M: VanDamme shows up as Guile and threatens Bison on the air which goes pretty well, you can't even understand his fucking accent.

B: I keep feeling phantom ants, like a meth addict. What is happening??

D: A lot, it doesn't slow down.

M: I'm trying to summarize but this goes like 100 mph. We've been introduced to Chun Li and Charlie and Blanka who are the same person, shut up, and E. Honda and DJ and Cami played by Kylie Minolgue.

D: Charlie and Blanka are different people in the game.

B: I don't understand what's going on

D: M. Bison has taken hostages and he wants 20 billion dollars from the government.

B: WHAT government???

D: THE government. Basically he wants it from Guile (vandamme) And now we're gonna be introduced to Ryu and Ken at a random street fight in a barbed wire electrified cage

B: These are Ryu and Ken??

Y’know, Ryu and Ken from Street Fighter...

D: And Vega, who kinda looks like his character. And that's Sagat. Sagat and Ryu and Ken have historical beef but not in this movie.

M: This is so much to take in. I guess Sagat is trying to get Ryu and Ken to help him sell guns.

B: So this white guy and this asian guy meet Barack Obama in some weird asian nightclub and they throw tennis balls at them and now they're fighting.

D: This will be the only fight for like...an hour. Meanwhile in Shadaloo? We're back with M. Bison. In this movie, Dhalsim is not a yogi, he's just a scientist? They couldn't do the stretchy limbs thing but come on.

B: They are just firing characters at us!

D: Canonically Blanka is just a weird guy, not some super soldier they created in a lab??? And definitely not Charlie.

M: Back to Dhalsim and M.Bison who is torturing BlankaCharlie with nazi propaganda and stuff to make him BAD. Also Zangief is here staring confusedly in the background, which he does the entire movie and I love him so much.

You can tell he’s being brainwashed because he’s wearing one of those photo-viewer toys from the 90s.

B: FUCKING OTTER POP JUICE LABELLED MUTAGENS DO NOT TOUCH! Can we fucking slow down please??

D: No! this movie does not. Now we're starting with another street fight between Vega and Rye-u or Ryu, it changes constantly.

B: I've seen better acting in a porno.

D: Ken looks like he belongs in a porno. Everyone is shirtless and the audience is horny.

B: That is not a real sword.

M: They could not afford real weapons.

B: When you don't have the money to score your movie, you can just throw in royalty free classical pieces! It’s not lazy or distracting at all!

D: But the fight is interrupted by a tank with Guile in it, and also 800 phone calls from Munch's mother.

M: That's not a joke, she’s called six times in the past half hour. Anyway, it's Guile. He's here with some guys that will not be relevant at all to the rest of the movie except maybe Cami but even then....and there's a spy guy.

B: Is that what spies do?? they just jump up in the middle of meetings and attack?? That's some good cold war espionage right there. What? Ken and Ryu are in jail eating scrambled eggs. That wasn't even a grammatically correct sentence.

D: Back in jail, they're all fighting for some reason.

M: Why?

D: I don't know. Guile is watching from above and back in Charlie's tickle basement, BlankaCharlie is being tortured again and there was a scream when his mouth was closed. Dhalsim is not happy with their methods though so he's gonna make CharlieBlanka look at nice things? they're making CharlieBlanka really swole by showing him bad things? and injecting him with dna otter pop mutagen.

I had to put an image in here of this shit to show you just how much it looks like otter pop juice.

M: Makes perfect sense. Back at the movie! Refugee camp with uh...the allies?

D: Here's ken and ryu and van damme

M: I guess he JUST broke them from prison?

D: Ryu and Ken are not criminals.

M: Just lovers.

D: No Ken is married. Not to Ryu.

B: Yeah, I've never heard of a married gay man.

M: Guile's accent is murdering me, his one liners are just so bad. So so bad.

D: Ken and Ryu fake beef for some reason. Vega hasn't said a single word in this movie. Oh they were stealing the keys.

B: They just throw the keys up in front of everyone, just show em off.

D: And then Ken gives Sagat and Vega the keys anyway but now there's a prison break.

B: I like how the Allied nation guys just have like random flags on them

D: Well technically that's supposed to be where they're from. Guile is shooting down a van but he just got shot.

B: What is the PLOT of this movie right now???

D: Chun Li does an epic dodge roll and there's shooting and then Ken and Sagat kiss. Just kidding. GUILE IS DEAD.

M: He's not though. There's medics, and now elephants back in Shadaloo. M. Bison is making a mini replica of Bisonopolis because he's gotta have a monument to his ego. Chun Li is reporting again about how bad Bison is and how Guile is dead. For real.

Reports have been coming in of a man posing as a health inspector in order to obtain free food.

D: DJ also didn't work for Shadaloo. Raul Julia M Bison's the hell out of this.

B: Is that what you want, M. Bison? Because I'm really confused about what your actual motivation is.

D: He's about to explain it.

B: So the evil leather daddy nazi wants to create an army of super soldiers to save everyone by...killing everyone?

M: Zangief sheds a tear and says Bison's speech was beautiful. He is my favorite. Everyone's alliances here are very suspect. There's a curfew now and stuff. Bad things are happening.

B: Why does Bison needs 20 million for this?

D: I don't know. Chun Li is apparently really a spy. Or a ninja. Or both.

B: She puts on like a bad balaclava and then she just like stealths up into the AN headquarters. Very sneaky. Apparently to sneak you just walk sideways in a black jumpsuit and put your hands up like oooooh.

D: She's got her very loud tracking thing and she's in the morgue, which is empty save ONE dead guy, being Guile. It's full of wet specimens in jars like any good morgue.

B: Oh fuck he's dead. I was so emotionally invested in this character.

M: I like how they just left him in his clothes. Like you do with dead bodies. No autopsy for Guile. He immediately has Chun Li arrested. She's got a sad backstory about how she wants to kill Bison for reasons.

B: I like the random classroom skeleton in the morgue. What war?? Is this just Shadaloo against the entire world?

D: Yep!

B: All the action sequences are so bad, she's just like speed walking away.

D: meanwhile at an illegal gun auction in Shadaloo....

M: Bison is sitting there while ppl who are definitely NOT Honda and Chun Li and Balrog in costume are performing. How did they get there? We don't know. Everyone is just in Shadaloo in a one kilometer radius but Bison doesn't notice.

D: and now Ken is horny for Chun Li but DJ is also horny for...someone. Ken is gonna get kidnapped.

M: Zangief is here, my special boy.

D: Ken is gonna get beaten by Chun Li because he's a scrub. Canonically.

B: Whoah pilot, I'm not that kinda guy. Bison and Sagat are getting a little too close.

D: Bison gives Sagat an entire case of "Bison Money" and says that it will be worth five times the pound when he kidnaps the queen. Which is a great line. Sagat gets mad.

B: Thanks for that backstory, now we know that Honda and Balrog were a sumo wrestler and a boxer. Someone should have told them they didn't need to put every single fucking character from the game in the movie.

M: But they did. Chun Li is planning to blow the entire place to smithereens and she left a fucking video message to let them know about it because that's smart. QUICK, CHANGE THE CHANNEL! says zangief. He is so dumb and we love him.

D: there goes the entire budget

B: They had to buy so many bootleg fireworks for that one scene, it must’ve cost them like 20 whole dollars. Well, 20 dollars in 1994 money, so that’s like $2 million in today's money.

D: I don't really know what Ryu and Ken even do in this movie

M: I don't think they really do anything.

B: This feels like the climax of the movie but we're only 40 minutes in.

D: This movie is a non stop climax. Meanwhile in space....we're gonna geolocate M. Bison with some bullshit tech.

M: Shouldn't be hard to find everyone, they're all in the SAME PLACE. Somehow Ken and Ryu are now M Bison's personal friends for turning in Chun Li and her friends. We don't to see how any of this happened.

D: Balrog and Honda are going to the sex dungeon while Bison goes to personally sexually harass Chun Li.

B: I can't parse if what you're saying is true

M: No it's all true.

B: Ken has to tell the audience who the good guys are

M: Guile is back at the base giving his men a speech about getting into Bison's secret hideout.

B: Their only option is ONE single boat to get into Bison's ancient ruin hideout, okay.

D: meanwhile E. Honda is getting a spanking and he is no selling it. He looks bored.

This is not a scene from a porno, I swear

M: Lots of experience getting lashes. Honda is gonna pull the chain right out of the wall because he's fucking swole. Zangief's accent isn't horrible, he's giving Ken and Ryu new oufits.

D: Ken's chest is covered because he's not actually buff. They're gonna just somehow communicate the two halfs of the map they saw? And here's Guile's speech which is so bad that his lips don't match because Van Damme was so out of it they had to overdub it

M: Guile tells a man he doesn't have balls and then he gets fired but it's fine because only Guile can fight Bison. The war is cancelled. No big.

D: He gives such an inspirational speech that everyone becomes war criminals and they're gonna go after Bison

M: I thought only one guy could get in there?

D: They're gonna follow him I guess. Guile gets in the bat boat mobile and he's gonna go kill Bison.

B: The real UN would've just been like - Please stop being a dictator or we're gonna write a stern letter.

M: Back in Bison's bedroom he's got Chun Li dressed like Chun Li and he's changed into his sex hat and sex robe and he's making an evil martini while Chun li exposits all over everyone about her tragic past.

B: In movies they have a thing called tell don't show, because why would you show something when you can just have someone tell us everything.

D: Back with Ken and Ryu and Honda and Balrog who have broken out but I guess they don't realize they're on the same side.

B: I do want Bison's giant bone chandelier. Hey do you wanna see my chandelier and my painting from John Wayne Gacy? ( that's really in there )

( No, really )

M: Chun Li is still fucking talking about how Bison murdered her dad and girl, he does not care. He's the bad guy. Bison knows women though and he's like, you are harmless. But that's what she wanted him to think!

D: she casually breaks her handcuffs and kicks Bison's ass by kicking him twice. Bison pretty good at fighting, actually.....OH NO THE GAS G-GAS GAS

M: What kind of gas? Who knows! Bison escapes in his uh...evil elevator?

D: Back in Guile's boatmobile, which is his because he has his name on it.

B: Can this movie just....pick a struggle...

M: Nope! and now for the needle drop with Guile's little home video of him and Charlie and then we're back with Blanka who looks like the Lou Ferrigno hulk

D: time for more evil with Blanka. But anyway Dhalsim is gonna give Blanka some nice asmr videos.

B: I love the way fake techy computer stuff looked in the 90's

D: they show him dolphins and weddings and babies and happy things. By the way, the entire Blanka storyline is completely irrelevant.

M: no it's true, nothing ever comes of it at all. I don't now why they put it in the movie. I don't know why they put most of this in the movie. Only Zangief.

D: Speaking of Zangief...he's here. Vega says his one line. I guess everyone got caught again. Oh they got gassed in the room. So now back with Guile they're gonna stealth mode, which changes literally nothing.

M: They just machine gun down all of Bison's sensors. Dj's accent tells us that something verrrrry strange is going on in the river, it's the invisible boatmobile!

D: Anti Guile alarm! Apparently they have an anti stealth mode. So now they're gonna get out M. Bison's big special boy floating platform with video game controls on it. Zangief looks around confused that Guile is alive.

M: all zangief does is look confused until the end. Bison is unsurprised Guile is alive and he's gonna kick everyone's ass whenever Guile and Cami and whoever else get there but apparently he's just gonna press buttons and use underwater mines.

D: Bison blows up the boat but somehow Guile and everyone get out. Insert coin to continue. meanwhile they realize Dhalsim has been beaming good vibes into Blanka's head and they accidentally release Blanka but he's full of good vibes now.

Yes, he does actually look this goofy.

B: They've just made a guy who's addicted to television.

D: Blanka in all his receding hairline glory is gonna save Dhalsim. the only thing he really does in the entire movie. So here's some Shadaloo guys getting beat up by Guile and T Hawk and Cami so they can finally infiltrate the secret aztec base.

M: Everyone is soooo stealthy. they just walk around and beat guys up. Good thing they have a sewer grate into the secret base. Guile and Co fall into a hole.

D: They're finally starting to look like their actual character counterparts. The movie is mostly over.

M: Bison's account has ZERO DOLLARS AND ZERO CENTS. Now he's gonna get mad. I wonder if he'd accept Bison Bucks instead of the 20 million.

Relatable.

D: Probably. OPEN THE HOSTAGE CHAMBER. Guile has broken into this place in 20 seconds, directly into the Blanka chamber.

M: Why do they just have an aquarium. And he finds Blanka and somehow immediately knows he's Charlie even though he doesn't look at all like Charlie. Blanka grunts a lot.

D: CharlieBlanka sad.

B: That was easy! Guile is just gonna shoot him, but Dhalsim stops him.

D: Bison is like why have I not been paid? Bro, you're asking 20 billion.

M: Who even are these hostages, are they worth 20 billion?

B: Who even fucking knows??? Raul Julia is CHEWING the scenery

M: I love it. he's giving 30000 percent.

B: What is the point of this blanka shit? Why is this even in the movie?

M: they're gonna send Guile instead of Blanka I guess, even though Guile isn't a super soldier.

B: I love Zangief, he just stands around looking so confused. I feel that.

D: Guile does a 20 foot leap and drop kicks Bison who orders people to shoot the hostages and now everything is happening so much

B: Everything has been happening so much since it started

D: Everyone gets more naked and the AN is here and E Honda and Zangief are gonna fight for 20 minutes.

M: I wish that was all that happened. Guile is now outside shooting people somehow and I don't now where Bison is.

D: Honda bodyslams Zangief through a secret passage. So Bison finds out Blanka was being programmed to be good and he punches out the screen and now the allied forces are here and Ken kinda almost does a shoryuken.

M: This fight lasts the rest of the movie. Bison is like, DJ and I willl face defeat together and DJ is like, yeah I'm out. Ken is kind of an asshole in this movie. Rye-u and ken get mad and Ryu goes back to save people even though he's not getting paid.

D: This movie is a non stop car accident. Blanka is destroying things while Dhalsim yells. The smoke machine broke and Guile is shooting people and nobody knows where Bison is, including us.

M: But he's not! He's gonna call Guile out and they're gonna fight in man to man combat!

D: Guile has the american flag tattoo! They're gonna street fight.

M: If his run in with Chun Li is any indicator, this should be easy. they show a video of Zangief and Honda destroying the model of Bisontopia with godzilla noises. I love this show. Bison and Guile are still fighting. Props to Raul Julia for fighting in that fucking outfit.

D: Balrog suddenly has his boxing skills back.

B: Where are the hostages?? In the hostage pit! Where do you think they are???

D: M. Bison has died.

B: He gets thrown into a control panel and dies.

D: No we haven't climaxed yet

B: ....but....fuck....whut...I think I've had an aneurysm.

D: Bison life support activated!

B: he has life alert!

D: His suit administers cpr, and now he's gonna use ELECTRICITY!

M: Meanwhile DJ is gonna grab a treasure chest that Bison has in his locker and get out. Ken is also looking for treasure but all he finds is a statue and a bad computer screen with icons but he does see Rye-u and yells at him. It's a trap!

D: Ryu gets ambushed by Sagat and Vega

B: I forgot they were in this movie

D: Bison is gonna fly.

B: Hold up *whispers* just for like...one second please.....WHAT. Why has the climax of this movie been happening for 80 minutes?

D: He's gonna fly. With superconductor electromagnetism. Yanno.

He’s playing the bass and I’m flyin’! (Editor’s note: how many times have I made this fucking joke?)

M: I love Raul Julia so fucking much though oh my god. I miss him. Oh yeah Ken and ryu are fighting and shit and people are losing their shirts.

D: He kinda did a Hadouken. Ryu is gonna burn Vega in the incinerator but only a mild burn

M: Ken and Ryu unsuprisingly win and now they're gonna go to Dizzkneeworld. Bison is just flying all over and shooting lightning at Guile but he's got BIG KICKS and he launches Bison into the screens and he explodes.

B: Oh shit the energy field is unstable!!! Oh shit!

M: Balrog punches open the hostage room. Zangief and Honda are STILL fighting but Honda is like welll I gotta run and Zangief is like DJ! Come fight with me! And DJ is like dude Bison is the fucking villian. Zangief is again confused. Bison is a bad guy???? You got....paid??? He is best boy.

D: Oh no the blast doors are gonna close! How are we gonna get out?? Oh it's ZANGIEF! Who somehow got outside and he's holding the door open and he's also much more naked. And now we're back with Dhalsim who is now bald and mostly naked and he's like nah I'll take CharlieBlanka out, we're fine.

B: WheaheIyeah???

D: And then the evil temple blows up and Cami and Chun Li kiss. Not really. All the Shadaloo henchmen are giving up

M: Zangief stands there proudly as a new good guy.

D: Sagat and DJ escape and now Sagat is shirtless but the treasure is actually BisonBucks

M: Everyone thinks Guile is dead but he's not and everyone is so happy to see him

B: He's been an asshole this whole time.

M: Everyone is good guys now!! And everyone is fine with that I guess. Chun Li and Guile have a little something something but it's kinda gross

D: Why is everyone horny for Chun Li?? Me at the entire Street Fighter Community.

B: Why is it still exploding?

M: The energy field

B: BUT WHY?? THIS WAS NEVER MENTIONED IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE UNTIL THE VERY END!! IT MAKES NO SENSE! ALL OF THE SUDDEN IT HAS A MELTDOWN??? WHAT THE FUCK IS THE ENERGY FIELD???

D: What happened to Blanka and Dhalsim? We'll never know

B: I don't know what happened, period. What the fuck is going on.

D: This is the most insane movie I've seen in my entire life. The breakneck pace does not stop, it starts at an 11 and goes up to a 14 real quick and stays there. Zangief is best boy,

B: w...what? I don't have anything else to say. What was any of that???? What? Why?

M: You're looking for meaning where there is none. It's beautiful chaos.

B: I will say one thing...there's NEVER a dull moment. Not a single one. You're not given a second to be bored.

D: How many stars would you give this movie?

B: Mayonnaise.