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miu-senpaii · 1 year ago

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Shane's One True Love-(Shane x Reader) Oneshot

Synopsis: Shane calls for a divorce after you insult his chicken

Notes: Totally not satire (because I 100% see Shane doing this), features cursing and mommy and daddy fighting 😔

When you walk in sweaty from a long day of working your ass off on the farm, you are greeted by the sight of your husband cuddled up on the couch with his chicken Charlie while munching on pizza rolls. I feel a pang of jealousy in your heart towards his feathered friend at being able to live your dream of snuggling up in Shane's beefy, warm arms every day. Meanwhile, you're outside getting your butt scorched by the sun with sweat uncomfortably dripping into your asscrack. Talk about unfair.

You suddenly feel the urge to ask your husband him a very life-changing question, so you walked over and sat next to him on the couch.

"Shane, would you still love me if I were a chicken?" you asked with wide, innocent eyes.

Shane slowly turns to face you with a puzzled expression, and you swear you see the chicken side-eye you.

"Aww, of course," he coos, "I would feed you the best corn every day and cuddle you just like I'm doing with Charlie."

However, you have yet to be satisfied with his answer. There has been one question you've been hesitant to ask all these years in your marriage. You trail your eyes down to the chicken in his arms. Its beady eyes stare into your soul, taunting you with the fact that you could never compete with it no matter how hard you tried. It was the one that owned Shane's heart, held him by a leash, getting your husband to heed to its every cluck.

Your hands ball into fists, and your body tremors as you ask the big question, "Shane...do you love me more than Charlie?"

Your husband instantly freezes. His eyes nervously dart around the room, looking everywhere except into your firey orbs. Cold sweat drips down his face as the seconds pass, and the tension thickens.

Finally, Shane breaks the silence with an awkward chuckle, "Haha, that's a silly question...how could I compare two things that are so different?"

You let out a warning growl through clenched teeth, "Don't play with me, Shane. Answer. The. Question."

Shane sighs, "Well, Charlie is cute, cuddly, playful, loving, amazing, extraordinary, and you are...well, you."

You leap from the couch, seething in anger as you shout, "Are you kidding me?! I work my ass off all day long to support you! What does Charlie do?! All that little shit does his poop and eat, and he gets pampered by you! How could you love a fucking bird more than me?!"

Shane looked up in a rage, pressing both hands to the sides of Charlie's tiny head, presumably to cover his ears, "Blasphemy! Charlie's mere existence is a gift from Yoba! Just looking at him fills my heart with warmth like the springtime sun! Every feather on his body, every claw is carved to perfection by the greatest sculptor! He moves with grace, each step with his tiny talons puts runway models to shame! Even his poop is shaped like perfectly round pellets resembling the heavenly spheres in the early Greek models of the universe!"

Your jaw drops, momentarily stunned at how your husband suddenly transformed into Elliot with the words that spilled out of his mouth.

Shane's chest heaves up and down as he faces you with narrowed eyes.

"You've gone too far," he pauses before uttering the words that shatter your world, "I'm getting a fucking divorce."

You stop breathing. The entire room feels like it's spinning as you barely register Shane picking up Charlie and pushing past you toward the door. You call out to him before he leaves, "Wait! Are you really throwing all of this away? Just because of this?!"

Shane turns his head to give you one last glance with those same icy, emotionless eyes you saw when you first met him. "I know how you feel now. You insulted my chickens, my blood, my life. I'll manage on my own without you, but I can't without my chickens."

The last thing you hear is the slam of the door and Charlie's happy cluck. You're left standing alone in your home, which is now eerily silent. You feel wetness run down your cheeks as you watch Shane's retreating figure, walking in the direction of the Mayor's Manor. At that moment, your heart aches, not just because of the divorce but because you knew...

Shane loved his chickens more than he had and could ever love you.