#Specifically the people trying to assign him various mental illnesses

[agendercryptidlev]

Some folks online really need to get it into their heads that ableist bigotry is still ableist bigotry even when directed at a shitty person.

[hhawks]

BELLYACHE.

✰ starring: hawks/keigo takami x fem!reader ✰ synopsis: as the number two hero, hawks has the ability to do conceivably anything he wants. spend any amount of money, travel to even the most remote places in the world, and even cover up the string of murders committed by the girl he’s deathly in love with. ✰ content: lovesick-to-the-point-of-crime hawks, serial killer on da loose, mentally-ill-but-also-not-really reader, slight domestic vibes, hawks wants to marry a serial killer <3, bloodlust, mentions of addiction, a liiiittle bit of consumption imagery, medical/anatomical problems because i'm Not a biology student i had to call my stem brother for advice ✰ warnings: descriptive murder, killing, wee bit of gore, clinical insanity tbh, INTENSE daddy kink, overstimulation, face fucking, somnophilia, mild dubcon at the end <3  ✰ word count: 14.1k ✰ a/n: it’s kinda fucked up but also not fucked up enough to warrant like, a psychiatric visit for me. part of my own one with the wind collab for the love of myyy lifeeeeee <3 lowkey self indulgent i just want to murder people

he lifts the police tape up with one hand, a cup of coffee in the other. the morning is gloomy, clouds on the precipice of pouring down tears, the air humid. it's one of those days he wishes he could spend at home, but alas; duty calls.

"what are we lookin' at?" he asks, sipping his latte. it's a little on the bitter side even though he'd asked specifically for extra sugar, but it'll be fine. he winces, swallowing anyway.

"mr hawks," the officer greets him. "good morning. it's another case."

"of?" stupid question. it's too early in the morning for his brain to function at maximum capacity, so it takes him a few seconds before he shakes his head. "oh. forget i asked."

"that's no problem mr. hawks," the officer nods nonchalantly. "the same lookup. drained of blood, needle puncture wounds in the wrists, elbows. sliced open from collarbone to diaphragm." they both look at the body on the ground, a pale girl with blonde hair, dark eyes wide open in a permanent state of shock. hawks almost feels bad for the girl, stripped naked down to her hips, her flesh split. he hopes the incision was made at least after she had died.

"so all the same markings of the crimson reaper then?" he takes another swig of his coffee. the girl definitely put up some kind of fight, with bruises on her arms, hands. but, as always, nothing of the killer is left on her body. not any skin under her nails, not any fingerprints. the crimson reaper knew what they were doing. they always do.

the officer nods, their cap tipped almost over their green eyes, hair tucked neatly into a bun. hawks looks down at them as they look at their notepad. "without a doubt," they say grimly. "that's the fourth case this month."

hawks remembers the day he was assigned to the case of the crimson reaper. he, endeavour, best jeanist; all of the top-ranking pro-heroes were called into the same hero safety public commission conference room on a monday morning, one just like this. gloomy, threatening to rain down judgement on the streets of musutafu. the president ran a hand through her hair, somehow greyer than it had originally been, eyes tired and sunken in. "good morning president," hawks chirped, trying to brighten the mood. "you look chipper as ever."

"thank you, mr. takami," she said, her tone clipped, blunt. "i'm sure all of you know why we've gathered you in here." of course they did. almost all of the pro-heroes were in the know of them, their signature killing style of draining the victim completely of their blood while still alive through various needles in the victim's arms and elbows, before slicing their chest open to leave a single, bright red rose petal.

dubbed the crimson reaper, this killer has ravaged the streets of musutafu, instilling fear within the hearts of the citizens. no one has any idea who it could be; the hero commission have vowed a full investigation into finding them, dead or alive. the crimson reaper doesn't discriminate; there have been no found connections or patterns in the victims that they take; only that they all end up with the same rose petal nestled safely between their lungs.

the problem, though, lay with the fear of the people. "we cannot let the crimson reaper take away the ability of the citizens to feel safe walking along streets, or in their homes," the president briefed. "we need to find this sick, twisted psycho, and bring them to justice."

23 cases in six months. it was beginning to be a persistent worry in the minds of many pro-heroes, but hawks especially. he had a weird, personal affinity to each case, and plus, the hspc president put him on the spot when she asked, "takami, we want you to be the leading agency on this case." and being their number one lackey, he couldn't say no.

so here he is. a small drizzle is breaking out above him now, and he watches the officers scramble to set up the tentage between the two walls of the alleyway, careful not to let rain tamper with the evidence. he looks up, at the crack between rain clouds and how a trickle of sunlight wedges its way between them. a blessed morning, despite everything.

hawks crouches by the body, looking for anything out of the ordinary, different from the previous cases. examines the clean, precise incision along the victim's chest, pink and crimson blending into a strangely beautiful medley of flesh and blood. the flaps of flesh have been stretched, pulled away, the gaping gash of her chest exposing her lungs and her heart, with the crimson reaper's signature left in the very middle; a single rose petal.

"i'm going to look around and see if any of the shops around have cctv," he announces, not taking his eyes off the woman. that poor soul. "finish with the photos, bag anything that could be of use and send the body to the morgue. also, any ID on her?"

"she has a school access card under the cover of her phone," one of the other officers pipes up, pointing at a phone left on the ground, a clear case with a blue and white student card in it. "name's kaida tomita."

"great," hawks gets to his feet, taking another swig of his coffee. "find friends, family, whatever you can. i want to know where she was the night she died, where she lives, everything."

there's a soft chorus of "yes sir!" as he walks off, nodding at them with a charming grin on his face. he tucks his wings closer to his body, careful not to move or touch anything at the scene of the crime. ducking under the yellow and black police tape, the rain greets him once more, small puddles of rain water gathering along the sidewalk. he walks, taking a right out onto the main road, looking for competent shops that may have had some kind of security footage that captures the alleyway.

something catches his eye. something not quite fitting with the colour palette, the doom and gloom of this dingy alleyway with a dead corpse mutilated on the ground. a flash of pink in the peripherals of his vision, laying haphazardly on the ground next to a pair of trashcans. hawks bends down, squinting slightly before sighing. one white glove, a gash tearing through it from the opening down to the base of the index finger. he picks it up and stuffs it in his back pocket, before straightening and continuing his walkaround.

it proves fruitless; the crimson reaper sure knows how to choose their locations. nothing but dilapidated shophouses for several streets, no one frequenting the area enough to be asked if anyone had any idea how this poor university girl ended up in an alleyway, completely drained of blood and her chest ripped open for everyone and their god to see. he commends them, just a little for the amount of thought they must have put into their killings. enough that the entirety of the pro-hero industry has almost been run into the ground with how much havoc they're wreaking.

by the time he returns to the scene of the crime, most of it has been cleaned up, the body transported in a bag to be sent for an autopsy. "shall i compile all the notes and have it sent to your agency?" another officer asks him, a pretty, young girl, and he nods.

"that would be great. thanks, darlin'," he gives her a small smile. "thanks for all your hard work here."

she flushes, a slight rosey tint to her pale cheeks. "it's no problem, mr. hawks," she grins back. "thank you for your service to musutafu."

he just manages a weak smile. seeing case after case like this, it's tiring. it's a shame to tell how used to it he's gotten, but there's no point in denying that he's at that point where waking up to a new pager specifically for this case just filled him with annoyance rather than dread. but he keeps his head up and keeps working. because that's the promise he made as a hero. to serve, and to protect.

"baby, i'm home."

keigo drops his bags by the door, and just like every single day before this, is greeted by approaching footsteps and the smell of apple honey. "daddy!" he hears, and the way his shoulders relax and the apples of his cheeks tip upwards as he sees you.

you, the picture of perfection, your plush legs and arms wrapping around him. "oh my god, i missed you so much today." you breathe into his neck, smelling of sweat and hero work and a long day, and a twinge of his expensive cologne lying under all of that. "it's been so long."

he chuckles, spinning you around. "it's barely been a couple of hours," he chides you playfully. "missed your daddy that much, huh?"

"i miss you all the time," you whine. "you need to quit your job and stay home with me all day."

that earns a hearty laugh out of him, and a warm, wet kiss on your forehead. "tell that to the hero commission, princess. you know how much i'd love to stay in bed with you all day."

you step on his toes, wrapping your arms around him as he waddles the both of you into the kitchen. it's spick and span, always is, with a couple of dishes left of the drying rack and half a ham and cheese sandwich lying on a plate. "were you eating that, princess?"

you shake your head. "ate the other half an' got full," you beam up at him. "left it 'cause i knew you'd want it."

he chuckles. "you know me too well," keigo reaches for it, letting you bridge the gap between it and his outstretched hand, passing the sandwich along. "how was your day? you managed to catch up on your sleep after staying up all night last night?" he pinches your cheek, and you giggle, swatting him away.

"yes! yes, i did, i did," you nuzzle against his neck. "was so boring at home without you though. been thinking about you all day," your words turn breathy, pushing yourself into him more and more and more, as if you were trying to fuse the two of you together. your voice drops low, a murmur barely audible to him. "couldn't wait for you to get home."

keigo smiles. he knows exactly what you mean what you say that, but he wants to hear it from your mouth directly. "is that so, baby girl?" he shifts you, hoists you by your waist up onto the kitchen counter. "couldn't wait for me to get home?"

you whimper, shaking your head, nuh uh. "couldn't," you stutter, spreading your legs just a little bit. "needed— needed to touch."

"touch?" he asks, voice mocking innocence. "touch what, baby?"

you whine, a little embarrassed by his question. "you know what i mean." the tension between you is palpable, and you need him to step in the gap you've made between your legs. "daddy."

"i don't think i do," keigo munches on his half of the sandwich, feigning complete obliviousness to your advances. "think you need to tell me what you mean, darling."

you groan, head tipping back in annoyance as you find his hand in yours and pull him closer to you. "needed you to touch me," you murmur, shy. you guide him up your thigh, his thick fingers, calloused from hero work so rough and skittish against your plush, soft skin. a shudder runs up your spine. "right here."

his hand ends up right between your thighs, your hands, tiny compared to his, holding his wrist in place as his fingers brush up against the thin cotton of your shorts. "ah," he exclaims, a little exaggerated. "my little princess cunt needed some attention from daddy, is that it?"

you nod vehemently, relishing in every purposeful brush of his knuckles against the damp spot right in the middle of your shorts. "mmhm," you hum happily. "missed you so bad today, daddy."

"yeah?" he steps closer to you, pressing his chest to yours, his hand still toying with your cloth-covered cunt. "gorgeous baby. so desperate for cock, aren't you?"

you whine. his words, so crude, so blunt but so true. it makes you flush furiously, shyness creeping up on you slowly, heat pooling between your clenching thighs. "for daddy's cock," you agree, looking up at him with begging eyes. "wan'— wan' daddy's cock so bad."

keigo kisses your forehead. "have you been a good girl for me today?" he asks, slipping your shorts to the side, toying with the slick that coats your pussy, stroking up and down slowly.

it's so sensitive you can barely speak, just the ghostly touch of his fingers, the featherlight intention behind every stroke. you don't want to answer him because, well, you haven't been. you're growing impatient with how he's taking his time with you, stretching out your time with one another. but you've been aching, throbbing for him all fucking day, so you squeeze his wrist harder, forcing him to stay where you want him to.

"baby," he warns. "don't be bad."

you grind helplessly against his hand, relieving all the pent up need and stress as you rut your hips pathetically up and down his fingers. "fuck me," you demand. "i need you to fuck me."

keigo tuts. a soft, yet sharp sound against his tongue. "disobedient slut," he murmurs. watching tears spring into your eyes as you hump his hand, too much to handle but too little to cum. it's the perfect torture for you; to make you desperate for him, and yet never give in to you in his entirety. "fuckin' so eager for me, huh?"

you ignore his punchy words, whimpering against his fingers. your thighs are aching a little from the position, the constant move of your hips against his thick fingers. "fuck me," you demand again. "daddy, daddy," you paw at his trousers, trying to undo his belt.

but you don't get far before he smacks your hands, harshly to make you stop. "stop it," he scolds, a low growl in his voice. "you're being so disobedient right now." he snatches his hand from between your thighs, tuning out your whines of protest and yanks you by the back of your neck. "get up."

you have no choice, the pinch on the back of your neck forcing you to comply. you get up and he pushes you down in front of him, down on your knees putting you in the eyeline of the bulge in his pants. your eyes light up just looking at it, your hands uncontrollable as they come up to paw at his buckle, undoing it. such an easy little thing, keigo thinks. just need some cock in your mouth and you're all good for me.

he helps you get his buckle undone, your soft, trembling fingers pulling down the hem of his trousers. the smell of him is intoxicating, the reeking stench of sweat and work and burnt ashes as you bury your nose in the crevice between his boxers and his thigh. you look at him and he looks at you and your pupils are dilated, almost frenzied. “my little nympho girlfriend,” he chuckles. “you’d die for my cock, wouldn’t you?”

you don’t have to answer. the hitch in your breath does it for you. the way your lip quivers and you can’t seem to find the words to protest. keigo just snickers. just pets your hair, and cradles your cheek against the hard bulge in his boxers. “answer me.”

“‘d die for your cock,” you whisper, daring enough to let your tongue poke out of your mouth, licking up his cock through the fabric. “i’d die for it, wanna ride it.” you pout, looking up at him. a breath leaves him in a shudder.

“go on, then.” he murmurs, cupping the back of your head. “take it out.”

your fingertips, cautious and reluctant, dig into the waistband of his boxers, and your teeth baring to bite the fabric softly. it comes down slowly, stretching over his hips, the apex of his thighs until his cock springs free, and your mouth begins to water. every single time you pull out keigo’s cock it surprises you. and every single time it does, he chuckles at your reaction, your eyes widening, your mouth gaping uncontrollably. it boosts his ego just a little bit, the way you shake quite a little, your fingers trembling with anticipation.

don’t think i’ll ever get tired of this. 

you take your tongue and lick up a fat stripe from the base to the tip of his cock, worshipping his frenulum, sucking the head of his cock. you don’t think you’ll ever stop thinking it’s the most beautiful cock you’ve ever seen in your sorry life. keigo shudders under your touch, the hand cupping the back of your head instinctively pushing towards him, forcing your cheek pressed up against his cock. the course hairs on his pelvis, shimmering and blonde, tickle your skin and you stop to giggle for a second. 

“let me,” you’re insistent, squirming out of his hold and rearing back. “let me,” you repeat, dropping your jaw to fit the thick, mushroom tip of his cock into your mouth. it’s a lot, it always is; sure, keigo wasn’t the tallest guy, but he made up for it in how thick his cock was. in stature, the broadness of his shoulders, the thickness of his waist. even now, it’s a chore to work his cock into your warm, waiting mouth, but he had to control himself, not buck his hips forward and push the seam of your lips apart. you work to get the cock fully in your mouth, suckling and slurping on with, making obscene sounds. they’re music to his ears, he smiles, the sounds of you choking and gagging on his cock as he watches you swallow it down to the hilt. 

“that’s it, good girl. good girl, taking all of daddy’s cock like that. fuck,” he seethes. “daddy’s gonna use your mouth now, okay? just keep your jaw— yeah, just like that. yeah, good fuckin’ girl.” his fingers twist into your hair, his other hand coming down to cup your cheek as he pistons in and out of your mouth. his breathing’s laboured, fucking his pretty girlfriend’s mouth like a pussy. 

you choke back a moan every time the tip of his cock rams into the back of your throat. you’re quite used to this, to be honest; being used as a tool for keigo’s pleasure, but it made you even wetter hearing the whimpers and whines drool out of his mouth like liquid gold, knowing that you’re the reason he’s feeling so good right now. so you relax your jaw and let him use you the way he needs. because you can’t deny the fact that the space between your thighs is growing hot, slick with your own arousal as your lips stretch open with every thrust.

and then keigo’s pulling out of your mouth, tapping your cheek with his cock drenched in your spit. you whine, “you didn’t cum.”

“don’t wanna cum in your mouth today,” he murmurs. “c'mon. up."

he should get you a collar and a leash, he thinks. just so he can yank you along where he wants you, and god knows you'd follow him on all fours. you're pliable today, and thank god for that because he needs to sink his fat cock inside of you before he blows his load on the carpet. keigo tugs you along to the bedroom and shoves you down onto your stomach on the bed, knees hitching up. digs a hand under your hips and raises your ass.

"show me that pretty pussy," he whispers, cheek pressed against the fat of your ass. he can see the outline of your puffy pussy through the thin jersey cotton of your pajama shorts, fat and drooling. his fingers dig into your hips, warm tips slipping under the waistband. "no panties?" he asks, and even with your head in the pillows, back arched for him, you can hear the smug look on his face.

"no panties," you answer, a deep sigh into the pillows. you can't see what he's doing, but you pray to god he'll let you off and just fuck you till you're a sobbing, drooling mess. so it comes unexpected to you, but not unwelcome, when his hand rears back and lands on your ass with a loud smack. you squeal loudly, flinching at the contact but he stops you, wrapping a strong arm around your hips.

"stop running," he says, the low timbre of his voice, nearing a growl, making you stop in your tracks. even you, the biggest brat keigo's ever seen, wouldn't dare disobey him like this. "wanna act like a desperate whore, you get treated like one, yeah?"

the sheets become acquainted with your drool as he continues with you, landing a succession of spanks; one for every time you "disobeyed" him, asked for too much, stepped out of line. this is what he knows you love, being put in your place, him having his way with you. at the back of his mind he'd rather kiss you sweetly, have you on your back facing him, fucking you slow as he watches your eyes roll back with every kiss his cock delivers to your cervix, but this; this is what you need. a rough, harsh fuck, battering your ass and your pussy till you're raw and red and begging him to stop. until you stop being a brat, and you listen to what he has to say.

"fuck me," you cry out, muffled into the pillow. he pauses, smoothing a big palm along the redness of your asscheek. "daddy— please, please."

he leans down, draping himself over your back. "what was that?"

"daddy," you beg, his title so sweet on your tongue. like honey, dripping gold. "please fuck me."

keigo hums. "finally decided you're gonna be good for me, then?" he sits back on his haunches, hands gripping your hips. "finally mellowed down into the good girl i know?" you wish you could shut him up, but with his big, rough hand pinning your neck down there's no way for you to speak, no way for you to glower at him. so you lie there and you take it, take every burning fingerprint he scalds into your skin, the unpleasant sting of the cold air against your abused, reddened skin. he peels down your shorts, watching the way your slicked up pussy drools for him now, strings of arousal latching on to the soaked fabric as he peels it away.

your pussy clenches around nothing, exposed to the cold air. a small whine rips through your throat; wriggling your thighs slightly. "c'mon," you whimper. but keigo stays put. watches the mesmerising slick of your pussy, puffy folds all on display for him to watch. "it's embarrassing!" you protest, trying to get him to do something, anything. but if keigo's good at one thing, it's putting you in your place.

smack. you recoil as another excruciating blow lands on the fat of your ass, right where your thighs meet your cheeks. "behave. you get what i give you, when i give it to you. got it?"

you whimper quietly. keigo doesn't like that. doesn't like when you hide your answers from him. so he grabs you, stuffs two fingers in your mouth and pulls, forcing your head up painfully. "got it?"

"yeth!" you cry, muffled around his fingers. wincing, he lets you down, a rare gentleness in his rough hands. he smoothes a hand down your back, shushing your soft sniffles.

"prettiest fuckin' pussy," he whispers, and you can feel the hot breath against your skin. "gonna fuck you now, okay?"

a thrill skittles down your spine when you hear those words, your back arching, ass humping back. "yes, yes please," you breathe, twisting your neck so you can look back at him, kneeling over you. his boxers are shucked down to his knees, positioning himself at your cunt, and you can feel it; the slow, agonising rub of the tip of his cock against the slit of your pussy, threatening to fuck it open, stretch you out. "daddy— oh, fuck me!"

there's a line between demanding and begging, and you toe it every single day. you better thank you gods that keigo's ears deep in love with you that he overlooks it, that he chuckles to himself as the fat mushroom tip of his cock catches against the slit and pushes in. the both of you hiss, the contact of his cock in your gummy walls so familiar and yet you're completely thrown off by the sheer girth of him stretching your ill-prepared hole. no matter how many times you and keigo fuck, how many times he has you cumming on his cock beforehand, the first breach of his cock in your pussy will always sting. you clutch the bedsheets in your fist, silk bunching up and shielding your palms from the onslaught of your sharp fingernails.

he heaves a breath, leaving his lips with a shudder as his hands grip your flesh. tightening around the fat of your hips, he sinks himself deep into your eager, drooling pussy. "princess," he drapes his body over yours, broad shoulders and thick waist and so big over you. "god, princess, let me in."

it's so much, too much for your tight pussy to handle. "'m trying," you mumble. "s-slow down."

keigo chuckles, mouthing at your shoulder. "not so big and bad anymore, huh? where's my feisty little girl gone?"

it always happens. you just need a little bit of cock in your pussy and you're reduced to a blabbering, slobbering mess on the sheets, your hips mindlessly pushing back onto keigo's cock as you beg him to slow down. he could still himself and just kneel behind you and you'd find a way to fuck yourself to orgasm without him moving an inch. you may be a brat, may disobey him for a second to paw at his cock, but keigo knows all you need is a cock inside you and you're right as rain for him.

today is no different, he thinks as you fuck yourself back on his cock, watching your pussy stretch around him and swallow him down to the hilt. it's mesmerising, borderline insane the way you suck him in, the way you fuck him until you're satisfied and don't stop for a second until you're done. even with your head buried in the pillows you have control, squeezing the length of his dick until he's breathless.

"s-stop that," he stutters, his hand sliding up your back, pinning your neck to the pillows. "you're squeezin' me too tight, birdy."

and you can't answer, hands flailing, fingers flexing with the weight of him mounting you. you can feel him so, so deep inside you, it's like he's in your throat, pushing past your thoughts and residing in the forefront of your mind. "c-can't... 'elp it," you manage, a half hearted sorry dripping from your lips like the drool leaking out the side of your mouth. it's messy, overwhelming, but god if it's the only thing you live for.

keigo ruts into you, one leg planted on the bed by the side of your torso, holding your hips and bouncing you back onto his cock. "is that good?" he grunts, his sweat-slick hair falling into his eyes. "you like that, princess?"

"love it," you slur, dizzy from how deep his cock is pressing inside you. every single thrust feels like it's breaking the wall of your cervix, the slight sting of pain whenever he rams his cock as far as it'll take him. "h-haah," your fists tangle in the sheets before letting go, your right hand drifting down between your body and the sheets to find your clit, the sensitive bud dripping with slick, puffy and neglected. the first fingers make contact with it and your knees almost give out, the sensitivity of your clit sending shocks through your torso, down to your toes and up to your shoulders, a familiar feeling traversing through your veins.

"yeah?" keigo teases, his tongue darting out of his mouth, licking from your shoulder blade to the nape of your neck. "gotta rub your little clit? can't let daddy do all the work now, can you?"

and you whine in response, a pathetic inability to say anything. you can feel him in your throat and you've gone almost brainless with the thickness of him stretching your pretty pussy out. "n-need to," you whisper, shifting your head so you can glance back at him, and when you do, you almost choke.

keigo's the picture of debauchery. his face is tinted pink, ears tipped red and you're sure that if you cradled your palm against his cheek his blood would run so, so warm. he's looking at you with a frenzied look in his eyes, golden melting in his eyes, looking at you wth an intensity that threatens to frighten you. he's looking at you like land to conquer, wings ruffled and spread slightly. you know he loses control of them in times like these, and that they're one of the most sensitive areas of his body, beautiful crimson shielding the two of you like a dome; like he's covering the both of you from the world, and it's just the two of you right now. it is. to you, it is.

your jaw slackens as you rub your clit to the look on his face, the curves of his cheekbones, the angular structure of his jaw, his pink cheeks, the way he's grunting as he sheathes himself inside you again, and again, and again. "k-keigo," you whisper, the circles you draw on your clit getting messier and sloppier as the tightness in your core begins to build. it's excruciating. "daddy."

"i got you, princess," he groans. "you gonna cum?"

you nod, wordlessly. you don't think you could force yourself to say more than that, your heart caught in your throat and his dick in your tummy. you're so distracted that it takes you a couple of seconds to realise that he's snaked his own hand between your thighs, knocking your smaller one out of the way.

"need to feel you cum," you hear him say, strained, like he's speaking with his jaw locked and gnashing teeth. seeing how tense he looks, he probably is. keigo's fingertips are so calloused, so rough from work that it makes you squeal with how ungraceful he's being with your poor, bullied clit. "you're close, aren't you? can feel you— fuck, you're fucking squeezin' me."

"oh my god, oh my god," you cry, palming your stomach as if it'll help alleviate the overwhelming sensation of both your pussy and clit being bullied beyond recognition. "daddy, oh fuck, daddy!"

"i know," he shushes your cries, rubbing his free hand soothingly down your back, and then planting it by the side of your head. "gotta— don't cry, baby, 's just me." keigo sinks a little deeper, rubs your clit a little faster. "you're gonna make a mess on my cock, aren't you?"

you cry out at the crudeness of his words, trying valiantly to shake your head no. but you can't lie; you could feel the pressure in your navel. one small push, one more flick of his fingers against your clit and you're done for.

"come on, princess," he grunts. "need you to cum for daddy, got it? wanna fuckin' see you squirt all over me, come on," and with his renowned intent, keigo's thrusts became impossibly faster, driving impossibly deeper. one clumsy brush of his knuckles against your clit and you're gone, gone, gone, flung headfirst into a crashing orgasm. your eyes roll back and you see white, and you don't realise you're gushing liquid until you hear keigo curse, the lewd squelch of his cock plunging into your leaking pussy filling the room.

"fuck," he spits. "holy fuck, yeah. that's it. that's my fuckin' girl."

"fuck me," you barely manage. "f-fuck me through it."

and he does, never stopping the movement of his hips against yours, his fingers still circling mercilessly against your sloppy clit. you can barely breathe, the force of your orgasm still sending shakes down your legs. they're uncontrollable, too heavy and you have to drop them, your pelvis flat on the sheets. "'m sorry," you babble, "c-can't hold mys-self..."

keigo hushes you. "don't worry princess," he whispers in your ear. "don't need you to work anymore, yeah? just lie there and take daddy's cock now, okay?" he presses kisses down your spine, sweet and sugary compared to his words. "daddy's gonna use you now."

and that he does. keigo has a habit of getting carried away when he's on top, when he has power over you. he pins your hips into the sheets, making sure they don't move as he rears back until only the tip of his cock remains in you, before pushing forward and slamming his fat cock into you, over and over and over. your cum and squirt making for extra lube for him to violate your pussy over and over.

you're powerless to stop him, limp and crosseyed as he uses you to chase his own orgasm. just little whines and whimpers that escape your lips when he pushes particularly deep; but other than that, right now, you're keigo's warm, wet fucktoy with the perfect pussy to cum in.

"'m not gonna last very long," he whines. "where do you want it, princess? where do you want daddy's cum?"

"i'side," you whisper. "ins-side!"

"yeah?" his mouth quirks up, canines flashing. he drapes himself over you again, mouthing at your ear. "want me to cum inside?"

you nod, small uh huh, uh huhs spilling out of your useless mouth.

"want me to knock you up? give you my kids? when was the last time you took your pill, baby?"

"n-not," you barely manage. "not on t-the pill anymore."

"that's what i like to fuckin' hear," he chuckles, brows furrowing just slightly, feeling the tangle in his navel now too. "gonna make you all fat and round with my kids. yeah?" he presses a kiss to your shoulder blade. "maybe if i knock you up you'll finally listen to me."

you squeal as he drives himself into your one more time, tip of his dick nudging against the sweet spot inside you, threatening to push past the tight ring of your cervix. just presses his chest against your back and pushes, grinds the head against your walls. "daddy, too much!" you cry out, arms scrambling for purchase. his thrusts are brutal; you can practically feel the bruises he's pressing into your skin, pretty blue-black marks you know will show up tomorrow morning. 

"shut up." he hisses, taking both your wrists in one of his own, pinning them above your head. "shut the fuck up and take it." keigo shudders, trying his hardest to hold on just a little more, just one more thrust before he's falling apart, a groan clawing through his throat and bubbling out of his mouth as he cums and cums and cums. it's overwhelming, the feeling of him filling you to the brim and more with cum. white hot and thick, dripping out the sides of his cock as he plugs you full.

you hear him sigh, arm collapsing and giving way until he's flopped on top of you, cock softening inside you. you welcome the warm weight of your boyfriend on top of you, hoisting one of his arms in your hands to tuck between you and the sheets, resting your cheek against the toned muscle of his bicep.

"long day?" you ask, finally. the smell of the both of you, your floral sweetness mixing with the sweaty hue of his tired body, drifting through the air. he's so tired, barely moving, but you don't mind the crushing. it was comforting, in its own way.

"the longest," he sighs, nuzzling his face into your neck before he snaps up suddenly. "oh. right," he reaches over to the side of the bed where he'd shucked off his jeans (you don't even remember him doing that, probably in your haze of lust.)

"mm?" you hum, smiling softly at him. he pulls out a white glove, one torn from the base to the index finger, and flicks you in the head with it.

"gotta stop leaving your traces all over the place, baby," he chides you gently. "never know what would've happened if someone found it before i did.”

keigo and you met years ago- at a coffeeshop near your university where you studied forensic psychology and he studied english. you'd spilt your matcha latte all over his shirt and apologised profusely, and he'd laughed it off.

"no worries, sweetheart," he took your chin in his fingers, a soft smile playing on his lips. "hey— enough apologisin' yeah?" 

and after that, you began bumping into him more and more. it would have been worrying if you weren't so enamoured with his gaze, midas gold and luxurious, yet still held an air of comfort in them. like you could crawl into him and lay yourself to rest in him. you didn't realise the bright crimson feather that stuck itself to the bottom of your tote bag, following you wherever you went. by the first week, he knew your whole schedule. he knew which classes you were in, which dormitory you stayed in, the sound of your roommate's voice.

it wasn't his fault you were so pretty, so delicate, so vulnerable. it wasn't his fault he thought you needed extra protection. you were just so lovely, anyone would be lucky to even be looked at by you. what if you got into trouble? what if you needed help? it was just for safety, he convinced himself.

keigo thought you were stupid. thought you didn't know about the fact that he was tracking you. he convinced himself that, to him, you were another air headed bimbo to fuck and then move on to the next one. of course, he'd never gone to these lengths for any other girl before, but somehow, you were different.

and to you, he was different. your roommate warned you of those golden eyes, that warm smile that seemed a little too friendly. "he's fine," you insisted, looking at yourself in the mirror for the fifth time that night, pulling your skirt down, pulling your dress up as you waited for keigo to text you, to pick you up for your first date. "i'll text you if anything goes wrong, i promise."

and of course, the date went well. he took you to dinner and then to a lovely little park, and then back to his apartment to fuck your brains out. tugging your wrist in his, you remember the way you tripped over each other to get to his bedroom, pulling clothes every which way. it was almost embarrassing how fast the word daddy slipped out of your mouth that night. but how couldn't you, with the way he was prying your legs open, calling you his good baby? with the way he was feeding you his cock, slapping the fat tip of it against your slick folds? it was natural, almost sickeningly so.

you liked him. god, you liked him. an outrageous amount. like you couldn't stand to be without him for more than a day. and strangely enough, he found your neediness endearing. like he wanted to be the centre of your attention all of the time. keigo was so unfamiliar with the concept of actually liking someone that he couldn't tell how he felt about you until that night.

see, the thing with keigo was that even though he was wrapped around your pinky finger, he found it so hard to move on from his... prideful ambitions. and so every time you rounded a corner to see some skank's arm draped around his torso, or some bitch's hand stroking his wings, you broiled in a mixing pot of anger and jealousy. no matter how many times he reassured you, no, sweetheart, i'm not cheating on you and baby, you're the prettiest girl i've ever seen. it wasn't enough for you. not until you had them in front of you, motionless, pale, and drained of blood.

keigo had wondered where you went. you'd left your tote bag in your dorm room so he couldn't track you down. usually he’d leave it, roll his eyes and wait for you to reply but when you let his calls run to voicemail and you left him on read too many times, he decided to go out. tuck some crimson red feathers in the corners of buildings, alleyways just in case you came by. sent other feathers drifting around just in case you decided to stay in one place. and finally, after what felt like hours, he stumbled upon a small alleyway with a figure too closely resembling yours crouching down by the ground.

he listened to the soft choking sounds, the pleas of please, stop, it hurts. stood there and did nothing but watched. not because he was scared, no. but because he was curious. curious who lay in front of you, and why. he let your victim thrash about, writhing in pain before eventually stopping, laying limp in front of you, and when her head hit the ground with a satisfyingly hollow thump, he recognises her as the girl he talked to just earlier this morning.

keigo watches you, ominous fascination coursing through his veins, golden gaze pathetic. he was a hero, groomed and perfected by the safety commission, and he just let a girl die; for what? because he was so enamoured with the girl who killed her? because he was so infatuated with the way you breathed now, your shoulders rolling back like this is your first hit of a joint, relaxing and softening from weeks-long tension?

"impressive," is the only thing he says, and when you whip around, there's some sort of kindling ferocity in your eyes. he holds his hands up in surrender, a sign of innocence. "no, truly."

you have a quirk; when it manifested, your mother had you wear gloves, made you stay away from other kids. because through the sweat glands of your palms, you could drain any living being of blood within minutes. it was scary, naturally, for your mother to find that out. it explained why you always felt faint; that without draining somebody else's blood, you never really had enough on your own. blood didn't clot fast enough to stop you from losing blood rapidly. blood was precious, blood was essential to you. other people's blood.

the pints of blood the hospital supplied you was never enough. the blood donations, transfusions, nothing worked the same way as when you laid a hand, skin to skin on somebody's arm and drained them. that feeling of euphoria, of strength rejuvenating in your bones. it felt like breathing for the first time, a thirst quenched, a hunger quelled.

over the years you'd perfected it; sped it up so you could drained a whole average sized body in seconds, or learn how to tell when a certain amount has been drained. but though you learned to control it, to decide when your glands worked as needles, when your blood becomes too thin, or runs too low it's harder for you to control. harder for you to discern when you should or shouldn't utilise it. your god-given gift.

"like a vampire," keigo joked when you told him this.

"fuck off," you seethed, slapping his bicep. "what are you gonna do now? sell me out to your dumb pro hero agency?"

"it's the hero commission, sweetheart," he started. "and of course not. why would i do that?"

you shrugged. "thought you wanted to be the next big shot pro. can't do that if you're an accessory to a murder."

so you aren't as dumb as you seem. keigo smiles. as much as he loved the way you went dumb on his cock, or dependent hanging off his sleeve begging him to ask the counter for some ketchup, he liked you like this; scheming, plotting, always one step ahead. you were always one step ahead.

this wasn't the first time you'd done this. of course not, he thinks, it can't be. because as you slip a pair of pristine white gloves back over your right hand with a practiced precision, fishing out a rag and wiping down the surface of the skin, it was obvious this was like routine. "diluted bleach," you murmured, explaining the acrid smell. "gets rid of any fingerprints or dna."

he watched you clean any evidence of yourself from the corpse, before getting back up on your feet. "you're not gonna bury it?"

you shrugged. "they're gonna find it either way." you turned to him, a small smile on your lips. he would have thought it adorable if you didn't just drained a girl completely of her blood right before him. "and plus, i forgot my shovel."

keigo couldn't help but chuckle. but pull you into his chest and kiss you, slow and deep. "what a girl," he whispered in your ear. "that's my fuckin' girl."

fucked up couldn't even begin to describe your relationship with keigo after that.

and ears deep in love was an understatement to how keigo felt about you.

he ruined every crime scene, botched every manila file. protected you fiercely in every way he could in his position in the hero commission. never once did he question what he was doing; to him it was you first, everything else came after.

did he get reprimanded for his slowness on the cases? on the mysterious disappearances of forensic evidence? on the fact that no one was any closer to solving the case of the crimson reaper? of course. but he didn't care, because as long as he came home to his sweet girlfriend, your arms wrapping around his neck and peppering his face with kisses like a dutiful wife, he'd abuse any power to keep you safe.

and that included today. "ms president," hawks greets when he walks into the room, the clinical fluorescents washing out any life from the room. it feels sterile; the blank stares, the gloomy, overcast weather that painted the backdrop of the meeting through the large glass windows.

"mr. takami," she smiles, tightlipped. hawks could count the wrinkles that stained her forehead, etched like valleys, fruition of the canyons of burden she shouldered. "so kind of you to join us."

"of course, ms president." his hands, shoved deep into his pants pockets flexed, a small wring of anxiety that plagues him whenever he's called to these meetings. that they'd finally saw through him, and are coming for you right as they speak. "it's always a pleasure to be here."

he was taught since he was a little kid, since he was taken in by the commission; the job he was made for. the purpose he was born to fulfil. to make musutafu a better place, to protect civilians. and he did! he did a damn good job. but right now, more than anything else he'd been taught, there came you, who turned his nights into days and touched fleeting heart and turned it to gold.

"the other ranked heroes should be here soon," she sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. "how's the crimson reaper case? any good news?"

hawks' hands slip out of his pockets, straightening them by his sides and bowing slightly. "i'm sorry, ms. president. i can't say anything's any better than it's been since the last meeting."

her breath hitches, and with a grim expression, turns away from him. "no matter," she starts. "i know we are all working as hard as we can. we will get this killer," there's a certain acid in her tone, corroding and pooling on her tongue. hawks can hear the frown, the anger and the frustration in her tone. "and we will keep musutafu safe."

endeavour is the first one in the room after that, his big, hulking figure looming by the door way. "madam president," he greets, and then turns to hawks. "brat."

hawks scoffs. "rude."

the meeting runs as all the previous did; briefing everybody on the current situation, any updates, any findings, anything new that had come up. hawks explains the newest death; the background, who she was, the places she'd been before. "there's no connection between this victim and the rest," he continues. "which further cements that the reaper doesn't have a pattern. i wouldn't go as far as to say these victims are picked randomly, but that is how it appears."

"then everyone's in danger of being killed," edgeshot pipes up. "there's no way we can predict who'll be next."

there's a grim hum of agreement.

"an equal risk," hawks agrees. "there's no telling who s— they'll go for next."

"and you're sure," ryukyu raises her voice. "that we're nowhere closer to finding anything about them? after, what, 24 deaths? not a single piece of evidence?"

"really makes you wonder how much work you're putting into this," rock lock comments, the snideness in his voice not going unnoticed. "hawks agency not putting in enough hours?"

"why don't you fuckin' try it, wannabe?" mirko glowers at rock lock. “oh, that’s right. you don’t even have your own agency. why don’t you try becoming a ranked hero before you give your opinion?” 

“ms. usagiyama,” the president clips. “mr. takagi. i would rather there be no internal conflict within the pro heroes when there’s a common enemy that deserves our utmost attention.”

neither of them say a word after that. blunt tipped tones and thick tension; it was natural for the frustration to get to them, have them saying things they’d usually be able to contain. hawks smiles weakly, mumbles a small, it’s alright, before continuing. “we do have several leads,” he starts again. “we are investigating especially those with blood-related quirks, since the signature style of the reaper is the victim drained of blood. we have yet to find a reason for this, why the blood is being used.” 

“we had the tests run at all hospitals and donation drives in musutafu,” best jeanist adds. “testing the blood sample from the body to see if any of the blood had been donated. nothing came up. whatever it is, the killer’s using it for themselves.” 

“well maybe we should check neighbouring cities,” kamui woods suggests. “the reaper only comes by once a week at most. they could be from neighbouring towns.”

“you think they’d lug five litres of blood to another town?”

“five litres is nothing. that’s a 5 kilo dumbbell.”

internally, hawks chuckles. he knows the drained blood has led them on a wild goose chase; any blood drained was already in your bloodstream, since the glands drained the blood from their body directly into yours. you’d only started puncturing holes with needles to throw them off; make them think that it was external instruments that aided in the blood collection. in fact, that was his idea, brought up one night at dinner when you were tossing ideas on how to make it more fun for you.

that’s what it was. fun. other than the element of needing blood— you didn’t need nearly as much as you were getting. one body could last you maybe a month or two if you stretched it right— you did this for fun. it's a thrill at this point, doing them closer and closer to the city centre, in places where people could peer into an alleyway and see you crouched by a motionless body. there's a glint in your eye, keigo notices, when you see somebody you want. an interesting quirk, a streak of your favourite colour in their hair; once you set your eyes on someone, you'll never take them off.

they were right, in that one thing about you. it was random. unpredictable. you never let them know what you're about to do next, and you liked it that way.

"we do," endeavour starts, clearing his throat. "have some eyewitness reports from around the area. the killing— this one, most recent one— happened around 3 to 5 in the morning according to forensics, and a, uh, miss miyazaki toi reported seeing a figure in green along the street, leaving the opposite direction from the alleyway at about 4:30."

madam president perks up. "any other indicators? hair colour? height?"

"she, uh, said she was too far away to make out anything of essence."

"gait? posture? anything?"

endeavour shakes his head. "nothing, madam president. i can get in touch with the eyewitness again, but it's not likely she'll have anything new to share."

hawks clears his own throat, thumping his chest once. whoever that miyazuki or whatever saw, that wasn't you. and he knows this because at 4:30 am you were fucked out, your eyes rolling to the back of your head as he fucked you into his mattress. whimpering, drooling, clawing at his skin for him to slow down, his hips slapping against yours as he emptied his balls into your waiting pussy.

and also, you don't wear green. not your colour.

but he knows madam president, knows that she'll exhaust every avenue, every lead until it turns up dead at her doorstep. this eyewitness testimony just bought you a couple more weeks as they chase down whatever poor soul was walking along a street at 4 in the morning.

as the meeting concludes, several pro heroes pat hawks on the back, thanking him for working overtime for this case, taking such a genuinely draining case under his wing. he just smiles, murmuring in acknowledgement. he can see the tight rings of sleeplessness wound under their eye lines, and for a moment, he feels a speck of pity for them. maybe he does feel sympathetic, that a savage killer ravages the streets of his town. but he can't bring himself to condemn your actions. can't find it in himself to look at you with anything but utmost adoration, like a kitten who had brought a chewed up bird to him in its mouth, big doe eyes asking, are you proud of me?

keigo is. always has been proud of you. you made a name for yourself, never left a trace of yourself in your wake. you are such a clever girl, beautiful and kind, and you bring sunshine to your household with the aroma of the cookies you bake every saturday. keigo loves you. endlessly, relentlessly. if he had to jeopardise his career and watch the city of musutafu tremble in the wake of your actions just to see that smile on your face every time he came home, it was done. in a heartbeat, no questions asked.

he flies home that night. picks up a couple of custard tarts for you on the way, from your favourite bakery, and a bubble tea. maybe you'd eat dinner together and he'd sit you on his lap while you watched another shitty romcom that he would deny he loved. maybe he'd wash the dishes while you focused on your assignment, chewing on the back of your apple pencil from a habit you never really grew out of. either way, he's excited to come home, to see you, feel you in his arms again.

the sliding door is ajar when he lands in the balcony, tucking his wings tight behind him as he pulls it a little more open, slipping inside. he's hit with the aroma of curry wafting through the threshold before he spots you, his love and light, his achilles heel standing by the stove in your favourite pink and white apron, stirring a pot. he lights up; it's embarrassing how fast he drops his bags and shuffles over to the kitchen, quietly wrapping his arms around your front as he leans against your back.

"keigo," you murmur softly. "welcome home, baby."

keigo hums. "i missed you."

you giggle softly. "you always say that."

"because it's always true." he raises his head slightly, tucking it into the crook where your neck meets your shoulder and pressing a soft, chaste kiss to your skin. you have a litany of marks, varying in shades, deep blue or a fading red scattered along the plump skin. "i miss you every second i'm not with you."

you twist the knob of the stove off, giving the curry one last customary stir before pushing off the edge of the countertop, twisting around to face your boyfriend. you heave his heavy arms around your torso, under your armpits and slump back into him. "you're such a sap," you whisper, burying your face into his shoulder, tucking your head under his chin. he rubs his nose along your temple, sweet nothings murmured into the space between you.

"did you miss me too, baby?"

there's a flicker of embarrassment that flashes hot in your bloodstream, and you can't seem to brush it off. "yes, daddy," you whisper back, letting out a shaky breath. "missed you, so, so much."

he smiles, brings one hand up to tip your chin upwards before catching your lips in a kiss. a gentle, breathless one, one that has you swaying on your tip toes, clutching on to the collar of his work jacket. "that's my sweet girl," he murmurs. "wanna make you my wife one day."

and you giggle, rolling your eyes. "you're all talk," you chastise him, turning away again to begin plating your dinner. the lid of the rice cooker pops open and you scoop heaps for him, and just as much for you. "how much curry do you want, honey?"

"lots," he hums, wrapping his arms around your waist again, tucking his chin on your shoulder. "chicken?"

"yup," you pat his cheek. "your favourite."

keigo watches as you scoop ladlefuls of curry onto his plate, stewed chicken and vegetables in a rich traditional curry atop a bed of rice. god, his mouth is watering just watching you plate it. he has got to make you his wife.

as he sits next to you at the kitchen island, bowls of curry half eaten he looks over at you, chewing thoughtfully, eyes glimmering, and wonders what good he'd done in his last life to deserve someone like you. as you settle in his lap for your nightly movie, dead poets society playing on the tv, he strokes your hair, runs his fingers down your back. he wants to savour every hour, minute, second he's got with you. fall into a dimension where neither of you are needed anywhere but in each other's arms.

time is a leaking faucet, dripping and draining into the rippling river between the two of you, the rhythmic, drip, drip, drip reminds him that this time is finite, that there is nothing in the world that lasts forever and ever. and as hard as he might try, there will come a day that he will have to part from you.

but that day is not today, he reminds himself as you lean your tired head on his plush chest. you squeak softly when his grip around your waist tightens, and he pulls you closer to him. "i missed you," he whines, high and pitchy and so unlike the outer facade he had put on for his public image. "baby, oh baby, i fuckin' missed you so bad."

you giggle. "you said that already," you loop your arms around his neck. "say something different."

"like what?" he looks at you quizzically. "like, oh, i dreamed about fucking you all day."

"crude!" you slap his bicep. "another one."

he hums, in thought. "i couldn’t stop thinking about you."

"that's so cliche." you laugh. "come on, number two hero, most eligible bachelor in japan. hit me with your best shot."

"marry me." it's out of his mouth before he can stop it, before he can think. what usually was meant to be kept under lock and key, spoken into existence. what plagued his every day, clouded up his mind, finally out there for more than his subconscious to hear.

and the way your face changes, the subtle relaxation of your cheeks and your mouth, he watches all of it with bated breath, with a small glint of hesitation, of regret. he'd never regretted anything he did with you, but there was something to be said about the twist in his heart as he waited for you reply. "are you seriously asking me like this?" you whisper, eyes wide, mouth hanging a little.

"and if i am?" he asks, and before he has a chance to regret it, you kiss him, quick and fierce and so, so desperate, like you can't stand to be disconnected from him physically for even a second more. he breathes you in, shifting so he's sitting up a little more attentively, holding you down against him. you whimper into the kiss, his bruising grip on your arms returned by the way you dig your fingernails into his skin. like you're marking one another, leaving indents as evidence of your influence over each other's bodies.

your hand finds home on his collarbones, fingers splayed out over the warm flesh. you find his pulse point, pressing your thumb against it. "say it again," you beg, some kind of sick, twisted, desperate need to hear those words drip from keigo's mouth again. "again." you demand, pressing harder.

"marry me." it comes out strained, the pressure of your hands tightening around his neck cutting off blood momentarily. it makes him dizzy, but the figure of you in front of him is still crystal clear. "baby, marry me."

the world burns around the two of you. moves on, runs along, but the two of you are stuck here in this moment, visiting it and revisiting it. you hold him and he holds you, the only person he's ever genuinely cared about, the only person he's loved.

weeks pass, and the crimson reaper is all but gone.

this is the longest time in the last year since that name made the news with the finding of a new body. to be exact, it's been 34 days since the last crimson reaper killing. hawks can see that musutafu has breathed a sigh of relief, and the hero commission has stopped being so anal about daily reporting. patrolling has been a lot less stressful. pro heroes are getting a semblance of control back.

you're fine. hawks knows you are; you're just as chipper, bouncy, and lovely as you've always been. he wondered for a little bit if there was something different in that tomita girl's blood; so much so that you didn't need your regular weekly fix, or even the mandatory monthly one. but you laughed it off, telling him don't worry, baby, and that he'll see soon enough.

you're a smart girl. he trusted you to make good decisions.

after that night, his sudden question and your hand on his throat demanding him to repeat it, you found yourselves in the throes of progression. towards what, from what, you couldn't really tell. all you knew is that there was a softness within keigo that, even with how loving he'd been since you met, you'd never really seen till now. all you knew is that, to him, wife sounded so much better than girlfriend.

he hasn't proposed properly, he reminds you, and that until he can put a ring on your finger, that night was but a promise to greater things to come. but that didn't stop him from calling you his wife every so often, under his breath, over the phone. it was casual, yet subtly intimate. you couldn't help but flush some nights after that when he kissed you everywhere, and the word wife would drip from his mouth if he wasn't careful.

you thought it adorable. you loved— love— it. you tried the word husband on your tongue, once, twice. my husband. i'll have to ask my husband. i'm seeing my husband. it... fit. weirdly. of all the things in your life you would never have thought that you'd come anywhere near calling anyone your husband. but for keigo, it fit.

keigo's asleep when you come home.

it's ticking close to 3 now. all the lights in the apartment are off, save for a lamp in the hallway. keigo always leaves that one specific lamp on for you to come home to, and you always switch it off on your way to your bedroom. and that's what you do, adrenaline still rushing through your veins. you aren’t tired; you never are after a night like this. sometimes you wonder if keigo’s initial assessment of your quirk was right. vampire made so much sense with how much more energetic and powerful you felt after a kill. 

synergy courses through your veins, up your arteries and through your beating heart. the adrenaline, the electricity, the excitement. 

you pad through the living room and the kitchen, stopping to pour yourself a glass of cold water before shuffling softly back to the bedroom. keigo’s left it slightly ajar for you, and you can see, with the small sliver of dim orange glow, the man of your dreams splayed out on your bed, the covers pulled up and rumpled around his torso. keigo sleeps shirtless, always has, and from where you stand you can see a little bit of his golden skin, softened muscle under the covers. 

he’s beautiful, peace and comfort painted across his face, the steady rise and fall of his chest signalling his deep sleep. you pad over softly, placing your water cup by your bedside and leaning over your boyfriend to plant a small kiss on his cheek before walking to the bathroom. 

the water is warm against your back, rivulets of slightly pink-tinted water running down your body. sweat gives way and you start to feel clean, the smell of lavender and mint steaming in the room, fogging up your mirrors. you lean your head back against the cold tile, letting your eyelids flutter shut. it’s been a long day. college in the morning, work in the afternoon, homicide in the evening. really tuckers a bitch out. 

but yet you can’t stop the trail of your fingers, the light, ghostly touch along the front of your torso. it’s been a long day, but you can’t stop yourself from thinking about keigo this morning, waking you up with his tongue on your clit, hands gripping the flesh of your hips so tight. you can’t stop the tingling of your hands, filled with the blood of the last victim you drank. all your energy, circulating to the heat in your core. you stifle a soft moan now, letting your soft fingertips inch down lower, and lower. 

you like that, don’t you? you could hear keigo’s voice in the empty chamber of your mind, a smug smile on his lips peering up at you from between your legs, nosing along the sensitive top of your cunt. like it when daddy wakes you up like this.

you did. you do. you can’t stop thinking of it now, not as your fingers make contact with the swollen nub of your clit. you give it one tentative press and gasp, back arching into your own grip. the water is warm, so warm, beating down on your tired body and you just want to let your brain and all its stupid little thoughts to ooze out of your ears, wash away with the running shower. 

“daddy,” you whimper softly, imagining his big, calloused fingertips instead of yours, his body caging you up against the wall. he’d hold you close to him, so close, chest to chest so that your tits press up against his pecs, his left hand wrapped around your back, his right playing with your sensitive pussy. you whine, just thinking of the way he’d shush your cries, coo at you as you bite down hard on his shoulder. 

your thoughts are a haze as you dip your fingers shallowly into your cunt, sticky and slick with both shower water and your own arousal. the moans you let out are criminal, ripping through your mouth and through your lips before you can stop them. you need to feel him, any part of him now. now.

stumbling out of the bathroom, you dry your feet on the rug, patting yourself half dry before shuffling back to your bedroom, naked and damp. the bed dips where you kneel, sinking slightly and keigo stirs, but doesn’t wake. your hands are trembling, your need and excitement barely contained under a sheen of self control. need it. you need it.

you peel back the covers that obscure him from your preening gaze, miles and miles of tan, smooth golden flesh laying in front of you, sun spots and moles mapping along his torso. he’s so beautiful, it makes you want to devour him whole. he’s wearing a pair of grey boxers, the outline of his cock subtle but still, there. your mouth waters at the sight. 

“daddy,” you whisper again, mesmerised by the way his skin glows in the low lamplight, greeting you as you pull the waistband of his boxers down. “‘m sorry, need it so bad.”

keigo’s still sound asleep, completely oblivious to your mischief. you pull his boxers down, over his hips and down his thighs, and there it is; his cock, already half hard, twitches as you touch it, let your fingertip drift along the underside of it. the patch of blonde curls brushes up against your knuckles as you touch him and it’s so soft. you whimper; you want his cock in your mouth. 

so you bend down, and lick a stripe up from the base to the tip. keigo smells like fabric softener and an undertone of vanilla from your shared body wash, comforting and comfortable. gods, you want him so bad. you fit him into your mouth, and you hear a hitch in his breath, and you feel a spike in your heart rate at the prospect of him waking up to see his cock halfway down your throat, but he doesn’t rouse. just shifts slightly, and you continue.

keigo’s cock is so thick, so long, and whatever you can’t fit comfortably in your mouth you resort to stroking it slowly. your eyes flutter closed, like a baby with a pacifier. you’re quiet, humming and whimpering every so often, content with his cock in your mouth. you wish you could do this to him every night, give him a little surprise when he cums down your throat still asleep. 

you bob your head along the length of him, swallowing as much of him down as you can that you choke, gag a little. the heat in your core is searing, never-ending, building as you moan around his cock, your slobber easing the glide of it down your throat. at this point you’re drooling all over his pretty dick, breath hot and eyes hooded, watching the rapid rise and uneven fall of his chest. he’s close, you can tell by the way his thighs are clenching, balls twitching. he’s fully hard on your tongue, tip flushed red and leaking, and you think it’s a waste to have him cum anywhere but right inside you, nestled right up by your cervix.

so you pull off his dick, smile at the slight huff from him, and climb gracefully atop of him. this is new to you; you’ve only ever sucked keigo off, played with his ass for a little while he was sleeping, but never went as far as to fuck him while he was asleep. it sends an unholy thrill down your spine, and as soon as you feel the blunt tip of his cock nudge along your slit, you’re dumb to the world. 

it’s so exciting, your burning need met with his unconscious body, seating yourself on his cock. you whimper at the stretch of your ill-prepared pussy, unstretched, untouched, stinging with the intrusion of his fat cock. you fall forward, hands clattering to the sides of keigo’s torso, a gasp ripping through your lips as you slip, feel a sharp pop in your cunt before you swallow him down to the hilt. it’s not pain, not anguish that skitters through your veins, his long, thick cock bullying your walls and stretching you out. it’s familiarity. it’s the way your cunt is moulded into the shape of him, gummy walls giving way to him, your pussy spread around him, slick pooling on his navel.

it’s the familiar grumble of his chest, a grunt and a groan caught in his lips. “baby?” he calls for you, left hand reaching out to your side of the bed, as he does every night when you join him, just so he knows that you’re there. but his hands find blank canvas, and he whimpers, before his eyes flutter open just a little. and then the realisation sinks in; his body starts to wake up, synapses rousing from sleep, and he feels, feels your cunt pulse around him.

keigo groans. “baby.”

you giggle. “good morning, daddy.” 

you raise your hips just slightly, moving up along his cock before letting yourself fuck me down against him. he slings an arm over his eyes, wanton moans ripping out of his throat, and his other arm comes around to grip your hips. he guides you up, down, lets you fall against his chest as you fuck yourself violently against his cock. keigo does nothing; lies there and coos at you, “baby, naughty little baby. couldn’t even wait for daddy to wake up to fuck her, huh?”

you whimper. “no, c-couldn’t,” you manage to croak out. it feels like his dick’s in your throat with how deep he is, pushing up against your cervix, bullying your insides. he holds you close, digging his arms under your armpits and holding you, chest flushed to his. “god you— you feel so good.” 

keigo hums. “that’s my girl, that’s my girl. taking it so well,” he breathes, a stuttered gasp. “god, i’m close. did you— naughty fuckin’ girl, yeah— did you suck me off?”

you nod dumbly, panting into his mouth. “i did, daddy, couldn’t help it,” you babble, eyes crossing. “y-you looked so good, needed— ah, needed it!”

“just needed some dick in your mouth,” he hums, chuckling. “desperate little baby.”

you’re drooling on his chest, spit dribbling out of the side of your mouth. “feels— f-feels so good daddy,” you pant, trying to sit back up, planting your hands on his chest. “wanna— ride you properly.”

“go on,” he coaxes you, letting a hand drift down the side of your hip. “show daddy how you ride. make me cum.”

you fall apart, bouncing on his cock, the rough patch of blonde curls brushing up against your clit with every downward stroke. “daddy,” you whimper, head thrown back in ecstasy. “oh— oh!”

keigo grunts, the dim orange light illuminating the bounce of your tits, the vigour of your rhythm leaving both of you drooling, blabbering. “you’re so beautiful,” he murmurs, captivated by the swell of your body, the pudge flesh and doughy thighs that encompass him. the tightness in his core begins to build, his balls twitching as he tries to stave off his own orgasm in favour of yours. “are you close?” he whispers, hand coming down to rub at your sensitive clit. “wanna feel you cum.”

“w-want,” you pant. “want you to cum first.” it’s a beg, a plea, a vow. 

he grunts, eyes squeezing. “i’m pretty fuckin’ close, baby,” he whispers, thumb rubbing circles faster onto the swell of your clit. “cum with me, okay? wanna— fuck, wanna feel with milk me when i cum. can you do that?”

you’re brainless, pathetic, but hell if you were going to say no to something your daddy so politely asked. you bite your tongue, nodding slightly, and let your head tilt in pleasure, euphoria rippling through your bloodstream. he’s so deep, so good inside of you it drives you crazy, the bashing feeling of his cockhead against the gummy sweet spot in your pussy. your fists tighten, gripping him harder as you feel pressure build in your navel. “i-i’m close,” you stutter, trying to keep your eyes open. “want you to cum. c-cum for me, daddy, cum inside.”

he almost baulks at your crudeness, but obliges nonetheless. keigo’s given your everything you’ve ever wanted or needed, without so much as a second thought. “yeah? wanna feel daddy’s cum inside you?” he coos in your ear, his hands running up your thighs and settling by your hips. “want daddy to knock you up?”

you nod pathetically, mouthing, yes, yes! as he squeezes your flesh, one of his thick, giant hands pulling away your own on your clit, tinier and smaller, and replacing it with his own. “please, please, daddy—”

that does him in, bursts the tightening of his balls and feels himself empty into your waiting, welcoming cunt. all he can feel are the weak pulses of your gummy walls around him; a weak orgasm milking him for all he’s worth. his touch, grip on your clit doesn't move, just continues to fuck you through your heavy orgasm. you both cum at the same time, the gush of your cum paralleling the thick, white seed that stuffs you so full that you can feel it leak out of you through the sides of his cock. “just like that,” he whispers to you, halfway out of his own orgasm, voice still wavering and thighs shaking. “say thank you, daddy.”

“thank you daddy,” you whine, and despite yourself, you continue dragging yourself up and down his cock. it’s sensitive, painful, but you can’t seem to stop. keigo groans, hands stilling on your hips. 

“slow down, baby,” he chuckles dryly, almost like he’s in pain. “daddy’s still cummin’— ah—”

“wanna make you,” you huff, some sort of twisted energy running through your veins. ��make you cum again, daddy.” you usually only had enough in you for one round, especially at a time like this, but you couldn’t stop yourself now. the feeling of his first load of cum dripping down your thighs only served to spur you on, delirious, frozen in a state of abject desire and need. “fuck, daddy!”

he whines again, head tilted back, eyes wincing. “what’s gotten into you, kitten?” keigo trails his fingers along your hips, watching you bounce on his cock, eyes hooded with euphoria. “had a good kill?”

your kill. of course it is. the blood of someone else, someone so powerful, screaming through your ears, pumping like lead in your bloodstream. it’s almost oblong, despite the liquid nature of blood, causes your hands to tremble, fingers to shake. that’s why you feel ike this. that’s why you have so much energy. that’s why you need more. you grin at keigo, and for a moment, he feels fear.

your sharp canines flash in the moonlight, its dusty silver gaze glimmering in your body, in your eyes, in the way your nails dig deeper into his chest. for years, years, keigo has only regarded you with love. with subliminal adoration. with nothing but affection, holding you in his hands. but here, in the middle of the night, he notices a splatter of blood on your collarbone. winces at the sensation of your nails breaking flesh. 

for a moment, he fears you. he fears you’ve truly lost it. 

and to be truthful, you have. you’re delirious with ecstasy, you’re high— you’ve never felt like this before. killing has never come so close to feeding. blood has never come so close to addiction. but right now, you’d do anything for this feeling to last forever. the memory of you striking your victim down, your foot holding down his neck as he thrashed, looked at you with abject horror, shimmering like tears in his green eyes.

you’ve never felt so much fun in a kill. never craved those screaming pleas, those last gasps of breaths. never have you been so excited to roll up somebody’s sleeve and take off your glove, hold them with all five fingers, your full palm against their bare skin. but this man, god, was he tantalising. his deep voice, begging you to stop, begging you to leave him be. any amount of money, he’d promised. anything. just leave me alone.

but no money could give you this feeling. this excitement. you grinned, malice and cruelty trembling on your lips. “i’m so sorry,” you mocked his weeping tones. “i’m so sorry.”

“c-crim— ah— son… reap-per,” he breathed, choking out his words. “t-they’ll—” he coughed, gasping for air. puny, pitchy, desperate gasps for air. 

“t-they,” you mocked again, gripping his arm tighter, feeling the rush of newer, fresher, stronger blood enter your bloodstream. “they’ll catch me? you have so little faith in me,” he winced, and you just laughed, flashing him your canines. 

he turned paler, rosey tinted cheeks turning blue, gaunt. the life in his eyes slowly diminished as you sucked the last remaining litre out of his body. “y-you’ll never…”he trailed off, voice turning to a whisper, then to air. 

you’ll never get away with this. 

but you would. you knew you would. and that’s why you took your own sweet time cleaning the site where your hand just was, pulling your glove back on and fishing out your needles and making four incisions; one on each elbow, and on the back of each palm. just as you always had. you traced your gloved fingers along his jaw, cold and dead, the permanent plea on the tip of his tongue. it was such a pity, that he’d fought till his last breath and still lost. 

it was true whatever they said about you, you thought as you pulled out your scalpel. that no one was safe from you. the only real way to put themselves out of danger was to keep themselves out of sight, out of mind. because once you set your eyes on someone, you didn’t stop chasing them until they were in front of you, your scalpel in their throat, dragging down, down, down. 

the man’s skin split open like rubber, and once you made your initial incision, pinpricks of the little blood he had left rising to the surface, coating your pristinely white gloves, you dived in with greedy hands, like a vulture descending upon its prey. like a predator, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. your fingers, alive with electricity, the static of your feast before you. 

you consumed. you devoured. you lived, fisting handfuls of flesh in each hand and prying it apart, the elasticity of the human skin the only testament to a dead man’s resistance. you uncovered inch by inch of glorious organ, of crimson stained ivory, of burst blood vessel. all pink and red and wet, and you want to make a mess, want to paint yourself in the remnants of this man’s blood and carry it home with you. you swore you have never felt so alive at the side of a dead man’s body.

one singular rose petal, fitted snugly in between the lungs. 

your cheeks tingled, face numb, and walked back home.

“they’ve done it again.”

the whispers on the street whistle like fallen leaves kicked up in the wind, rustling against the cool asphalt of the road. 

“the crimson reaper’s back.”

keigo barely makes it two seconds into his day before the pager buzzes. 

“did you hear who they killed this time?”

you’re half awake when he asks.

“baby?” 

you hum, softly, knowingly. 

“who did you kill last night?”

you open your eyes, and look at him through hooded lids. he’s pacing your room, golden eyes distraught, and all you do is smile at him.

seems like you already know. 

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Hi, I'm a parent of a 14yr old who says he is a transmale. After reading the vocabulary list, is there a difference between transmasculine and transgender male? He has not transition yet but I'm trying to learn/do what I can to support his journey. Thank you and please accept my apology if I didn't use the correct descriptive words.

Lee says:

The difference is like the squares and rectangles thing!

All squares are rectangles, so all trans men fall under the transmasculine umbrella, but not all rectangles are squares, so not all transmasculine people identify as men.

Transmasculine is a term used to describe trans people who were assigned female at birth and identify with masculinity to a greater extent than with femininity in some way.

Being transmasculine doesn’t mean that you actually identify as a man, it just means you’re A) masculine-leaning, B) transgender, and C) assigned female at birth.

Personally speaking, I identify as transmasculine because my gender expression and medical transition is bringing me in a direction society sees as masculine.

I also am medically transitioning to a body that people see as more masculine- I’m on testosterone, I’ve gotten top surgery, I’ve had a hysterectomy, and I’m scheduled for phalloplasty in the spring.

In terms of my gender expression, I usually have short hair, I’m growing a patchy quarantine beard, I wear men’s clothing, etc. But saying I have a “masculine” gender expression is an interesting thing because it depends on your point of view. Compared to my pre-transition gender expression I come across as much more masculine now, but compared to gender-conforming cisgender heterosexual men, I do not come across as masculine at all! People often assume I’m a gay man because I am gender non-conforming in some ways, like I have effeminate mannerisms and while I only wear men’s clothes I wear super skinny jeans and the like, so when I’m in a group of men they often think I am feminine, and therefore I must be gay because #sterotypes be like that.

So I use the term transmasculine because it can be helpful in describing what my transition is, like where I’m coming from and where I’m going to, even though I’m not stereotypically Masculine™.

Despite my masculine-esque appearance and transition, I actually identify as genderqueer and non-binary and I feel that my gender itself is neutral and not particularly masculine or feminine. 

I don’t understand what it means to “feel like” a boy/man, I don’t use masculine-coded words to refer to myself and prefer gender-neutral language, and I had a choice between being in a men’s group or space and a gender neutral group or space I’d always choose the gender neutral one. 

I’ve just always known that I would be happier in a more stereotypically “male” body and being in my pre-transition body was increasingly distressing after puberty. Some people who have similar feelings as I do might choose to identify as a trans man, but I’ve just never felt the need to do so.

So even though I identify with masculinity and would consider myself transmasculine, I don’t consider myself a trans male, and that’s how someone can be transmasculine but not a trans man!

Transmasculine is the umbrella term that covers both binary transgender men like your son and non-binary people like me who choose to transition in a masculine way.

In your son’s case, it seems likely that he is both transmasculine and a transgender male. He’d be transmasculine because he likely is transitioning (or wants to transition) in a masculine way and/or identifies with masculinity or male-ness more than femininity or female-ness, and he’d be a transgender man because he knows he is a man despite the gender he was assigned at birth.

So it’s possible to be transmasculine and a trans man.

That being said, there’s a bunch of different terms that people use within the community and which term someone uses depends on the context and what they’re comfortable.

Some trans men may not be particularly attached to the word transmasculine  as a self-identifier even though it’s a label they could choose to claim because they feel like it’s redundant or not necessary because saying they’re a trans man already conveys the same information that transmasculine does.

Transmasculine is a useful term for describing the overlap between the section of the trans male and AFAB non-binary community, but it doesn’t describe all AFAB non-binary people either, as some may identify as a trans neutral or eschew a broader umbrella altogether. 

So transmasculine doesn’t mean the same thing as assigned female at birth, and not all transgender people who were AFAB are also transmasculine.

Anyhow, being knowledgeable about the various self-identity terms people may use and how the various umbrella terms fit together is definitely a cool thing to do in supporting him, but I don’t really think it’s the most important thing! I’ll be honest, there’s a lot of terms out there that even I don’t know, especially specific microlabels for gender identities, and different people define and apply the same terms in different ways. But messing up on terms matters to some people more than others, so it is good to get an idea of the commonly used terms to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

In general, the most important thing you can do to support his journey is listen to him about what he needs and make sure you’re approachable so he knows that you will listen to him.

Now for some advice that you didn’t ask for! I just can’t help myself, so here we go.

I’d personally recommend looking into trans-competent mental health providers in your area. This is useful for a couple of reasons, the first being that pre-transition trans people often have depression because they struggle with being misgendered, incidents of transphobia, dysphoria about their bodies, being rejected and not accepted by peers/relatives/teachers, and so on, which is a lot to add on top of the usual stress from high school! And therapy can be helpful in finding strategies to cope with gender dysphoria.

Additionally, medical providers and insurance companies who follow the WPATH-SOC will require a letter from a psychologist saying that the person is ready to take [insert relevant medical transitioning step] so seeing a therapist is often the first step towards a medical transition, and at age 14 he might be interested in starting puberty blockers until he’s able to go on testosterone. Or he might want to start testosterone right away, or do neither, but having a therapist and getting diagnosed with gender dysphoria can help get through the gatekeeping process that may be present in medical transitioning if that is the path he decides he want to take.

But be careful of how you bring this up- you really don’t want it to come across as you saying “you’re trans so you’re mentally ill and you need therapy,” because the fear of conversion therapy means if you don’t make it clear why you’re suggesting therapy he might be hearing the completely different message of “you need therapy so you can stop being trans and get better” which is not your intent at all.

Every step makes your child’s life better- I legally changed my name at 17, which was hard for my parents to allow because obviously they were attached to the name they had given me at birth, but it made a big difference in my mental health. And the earlier people transition the easier it is for them.

It might also be helpful to offer to buy him men’s clothing and underwear and shoes and men’s deodorant and all that if he only has women’s things right now. He might be between the boy’s and the men’s sizes for clothes, but most folks can find something they can fit into.

You might also want to offer to buy him a safe binder from a reputable binder company. Binding unsafely can have risks, and if he can’t get a safe binder he might choose to bind unsafely with a cheap and dangerous binder or ace bandages or duct tape and so on, or bind for too long because he has to hide it and can’t get away to change out of it.

Buying a packer is another thing that he might want, but of course, with all of these things you also shouldn’t make assumptions about what your son will want or need. 

For example, some trans men may not medically transition and/or may not aim for an masculine gender expression because gender expression and genitals are different than gender identity. So even if he doesn’t want to go on testosterone, or decides to wear a dress sometimes or doesn’t pack, it doesn’t mean that he’s not trans.

You don’t want him to think that you’re saying that he should want these things or need them to be valid, or feel like you’re pressuring him into taking steps that he’s not ready for in his transition. But if you don’t bring up the topic at all, he might be too anxious to tell you about it because he’s worried about what you might think.

I do emphasize that being trans is rarely a phase, detransitioning is not common, trans people know who we are and we know our genders and you should trust our word on that and so on, but I think sometimes people push the “it’s not a phase!!!!” message so hard that they don’t leave any wiggle room for people who are still questioning and coming to terms with their identity. 

Especially at the start of someone’s journey we need to be open to some level of uncertainty and change. The only person who knows what someone’s gender identity is the person whose gender it is. It’s very important to take your son at his word! But figuring out your identity can be a process, so be understanding if he switches names, pronouns, or gender labels a few times while he’s still figuring it out. 

It’s likely that you will slip up with names and pronouns on occasion, and the best thing to do is just correct yourself, and move on.

You can briefly apologize (wait to do it later when you’re in private if it occured in front of someone) if you feel like it’s necessary. But don’t make it into a big deal, which calls attention to it and can be embarrassing for the trans person, and don’t start to self-flagellate about it and beat yourself up because then it makes it about you, and the trans person feels compelled to say “it’s fine” or something to reassure you when it isn’t fine.

Just correct yourself and move on, and do better next time! Then make sure you actually practice with his chosen name and pronouns so you make fewer mistakes in the future- practice makes perfect, as they say.

You should also make sure you’re an active ally to trans people in your everyday life if you weren’t already doing this. This is something you should ideally be doing whether or not you have a trans son who just came out. 

Finally, make sure you get the support you need. You might find seeing a therapist helpful for yourself, or connecting with a support group for parents of LGBTQ children- many are meeting on Zoom now, so if there isn’t a group local to you there’s probably one online you can join! Be careful to avoid the transphobic mom groups that promote conversion therapy, rapid onset gender dysphoria, and don’t believe in being transgender. Finding a good support group will let you vent when you need to and find community for yourself as well- it’s a lot to process, and it can be emotionally difficult for you on top of managing the logistics. 

But honestly, I wouldn’t recommend telling your son about anything you’re struggling with when it comes to his identity because saying things like “I feel like I’m mourning my daughter” isn’t going to make your relationship with your son any better. Especially because he’s 14, telling him that you’re having a hard time is just going to hurt him without helping you any, so it’s best to keep those feelings between yourself and your support system until you’ve reached that stage of acceptance when you’re no longer struggling with coming to terms with it. He needs to be reassured that you’re supportive of who he is and he won’t be able to reconcile your support with those statements, so don’t lie but don’t volunteer those sentiments.

The For parents/guardians intro has some of the same stuff as I mentioned above, like links to safe binders and packers and info on puberty blockers and the benefits of medical transitioning, so check that out too if you haven’t!

All in all, I think it’s really great that you’re reaching out and trying to support him! I know that even trans folks with really supportive parents still have anxiety about being rejected so it’s good to give them a little extra reassurance to show that you do care about him and that you do see him as male and you respect what he’s sharing with you. Good luck to both of you!

Followers, anything to add?

[chrisbbaegopayo]

Hold Your Breath (Stray Kids: Stalker AU) ➻ Chapter 3 (part 1)

....

Genre: Thriller, Angst, Gore, Mystery, Suspense Characters: All of Stray Kids, reader, OCs. Word Count: 1.2k Warning: This story will contain elements of gore, on- and off-screen abuse, torture, mental illness, and stalking. It will feature themes that are not suitable for all ages, readers discretion is advised. Each chapter will have its own specific warning.

Sorry for the short post. I’ve managed to hit a very bad case of writer’s block, as well as other things, more on that below. (updates will now be once every two weeks)

Chapters: Premise | 01 Prologue | 02 Chapter one | 03 Chapter two | Chapter three (part 1) | Chapter three (part 2)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

She and Hyunjin ended up getting along really well in class, as they introduced themselves in the timeframe that the professor had given them. She learned that he had been here to earn himself a bachelor’s degree in literature, much like his parents wanted. He had been a pretty hardworking student and liked to participate in extra-curricular activities, although he didn’t really elaborate on which clubs he had joined since attending the university.

It had come to a surprise, then, that he knew who she was. It was kind of strange for her to introduce herself to someone who had already know of her—he did say that he knew of her and knew who she was, but never made an attempt to say anything to her, which, to her, was understandable. University could be somewhat of an intimidating place. And Hyunjin, who kept to himself during classes unless he was asked to participate in group work or class discussions, was naturally relatively inside his head. 

He had a small circle of friends, she learned, of which he had dropped after coming to this university. He told her that he stayed in touch with most of them through social media and that he had missed them. 

They didn’t manage to get too deep into their conversation, although he did tell her that he was in a few of her classes back in first and second year, and much of the reason of keeping to himself most of the time didn’t say anything to her, as they were practically strangers.

Professor Lee stopped the discussion then and then began his first lecture. Much of it had to do with what goals to set at the beginning of the semester, what they would be covering throughout the semester, as well as the many assignments they were expected to do and their due dates that accompanied these assignments. Much to her displeasure, every week, there would be a test that summarized the terms they learned the week before, just to keep them on their toes, apparently. This was probably the most for her, as her memorization skills weren’t the best…

…this would also mean that she would have to do a lot of reading. And note-taking. As much as she enjoyed reading, the mind-numbing technical terms might just defeat her.

However, the silver lining was that there would be some hands-on case studies and there might be field trips planned in the course, although the professor did not specifically say if they were definitely included. As for these field trips, they were still in the process of negotiating some plan, of which professor Lee did not specify.

They also had to write two essays throughout the semester. Great.

As the professor started lecturing, he covered what the meaning of crime was, what each term meant, and how it integrated into society on a very base level. As for the rest of the two-hour lecture, Professor Lee merely just taught through most of the time with interesting examples and various experiences that he had encountered. He made things interesting, and the majority of the class was completely engrossed. The mid-lecture break had gone by and soon, had buzzed by without much of a fuss. 

“All right, remember, class, make sure to read up on chapter 2, pages 60 through to 90! You will be expected to go through it with your teaching assistant in your tutorial later,” Professor Lee said. “Feel free to visit during my office hours should you have any questions or problems regarding class! See you next week!”

She placed her notebook in her bag and looked over at Hyunjin, who looked rather pleased with the class. “Tutorial, huh?”

He nodded and leaned back against his chair. “Yeah, it should be exciting. At least the professor was interesting, hopefully, the teacher assistant will be just as interesting. When do you have yours?”

She pulled up her schedule, and scanned it, trying to figure out which day she had her tutorial. Turned out that she had her tutorial at 11:30 a.m. in two days with a person named F. Lee. And upon showing it to Hyunjin, she was surprised to learn that he also shared the same tutorial. It seemed like a pretty pleasant surprise, she thought. To be in the same class and tutorial—it was as though something was being conveyed to her through this strange arrangement. Or not. It just seemed like a pretty interesting coincidence. 

But life didn’t have coincidences, did they? 

Regardless, the two left the lecture room and went their separate ways after swapping numbers. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

She had never been so glad to be home. After that stalker fiasco earlier on in the day, she was ready to retire to bed. However, she cracked open the textbook she was required to read for the class and sat at her desk, trying to make some from sense from the lectures. She got a few paragraphs into the reading when her phone buzzed with a text message.

>> Hey I’ve got food Open up OMG bless thank you <<

Jisung seemed to know exactly when was hungry because her stomach grumbled a bit. She went downstairs, and as soon as she got to the door, the doorbell rang, and she opened the door, letting her best friend in.

“You always come at the best time, ever,” she said, ushering him into the house. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. Seriously.”

He laughed. “That’s why I’m your best friend, right?”

The two of them ate and chatted about their day and by the time they finished their food, Jisung had gotten up to toss the containers into the recycling bin. 

She stared at her phone for the time being and sighed. She should go back to reading, but she really didn’t want to do any reading that night. It seemed like a great time to just lay back and chill for a little longer until it was time for her to go to bed.

It was still relatively early in the evening—or late afternoon, and perhaps she could just put her feet up and catch up later on.

But then her mind wandered off to the letter she got—it was unsettling.

“Jisung?” 

He made a noise of acknowledgment, while still staring at his phone. 

“I got another letter.”

His fingers that were once tapping away, seemingly mid-text stopped. He placed his phone down and faced her. “What did it say?”

“It was...something like ‘a new semester will start new things’ or something...and then something about more gifts to come,” she recalled.

Something about Jisung’s expression worried her. 

“Did you file the complaint to the school like I said?” He asked.

She shook her head, but then upon seeing his concerned expression deepen, she held up her hands and reassured him that she was going to file it in the upcoming days.

“I haven’t exactly had time, you know, I promise I will—I’ll even let you know! I promise!” 

He sighed, and with a heavy tone, he said, “fine, as long as you know.”

She was about to say something when he leaned over and put his hand atop her head, almost in a maternal gesture.

“I’m just really worried about you, you know? These are just some precautions that you have to take, okay?” 

She nodded. “Yeah, thank you, Jisung, you’re always looking out for me...”

He chuckled, “that’s what I’m here for, remember?”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sorry about the lack of updates lately. I’ve managed to land myself in a really deep ditch called writer’s block, and it’s honestly really draining to write when my motivation is zero most of the time. Sorry, it’s been pretty hard most of the time, especially balancing both work and creative writing at the same time. I do writing for my day job too, and every day I’ve pretty much felt like I’ve exhausted most of my writing into work, and the creative juices are NOT flowing into what should belong to creative writing. Hashtag excuses lol.

However, I did find a good way to keep my motivation up—the story is planned out, I know what’s going to happen in the bigger picture, but the details aren’t exactly set. Sometimes if I see an opportunity to implement new ideas, I will, such as relationships between certain characters and their history and such. I do have several pages of notes of the character’s relationships and backstories.

I will be publishing their backstories starting with Hyunjin, and I think it will make for interesting future plot segments. 

As well, I will be changing the updates to every two weeks until I can get out of this really bad writer’s block. 

Whether or not people like to read it or not, I’ll just keep on writing anyway because I genuinely do love creative writing. As well, I have been planning this story for wayyyy too long and even though my execution of the story might be slow and not what my mind wants me to write, I think I want to continue regardless. I’m just really grateful for the readers that I do have, and appreciate the time you invest in my story. Please feel free to poke me/talk to me about the story and let me know what you think of it. I know I haven’t advanced enough into the story for people have a true understanding or grasp of it, but I will be publishing the character’s relationships with each other and how they’re all connected. Because they are.

If I have any jumping tense problem—I’m sorry, I do try my best to catch them while writing, and I will improve and do my best not to disappoint too much.

Thank you! c:

[dillydedalus]

february reading

truly the month of the 2.5 to 3/5 star books

the testaments, margaret atwood y’all.... i was bracing myself for disappointment but yikes. the first half is semi-decent, with at least the storylines of aunt lydia’s (alleged) diaries and the testimony of a girl raised in gilead opening up some interesting themes (the third, from the pov of a canadian teen, is a fucking disaster from the beginning), but the second half genuinely reads like generic dystopian YA, it’s predictable & tropey & silly & the prose becomes bad, real bad, ‘is atwood okay’ bad. 1.5/5

paul takes the form of a mortal girl, andrea lawlor really cool & propulsive picaresque about paul polydoris, a queer student in the early 90s who can shapeshift (yeah) & explores what that means for his identity,  learning to reject attempts to force him into binary categories. it’s a fun read, but it felt a bit directionless (picaresque i know), and like... i read a lot of this on my commute & there really is nothing like sitting on the train, in a half-awake daze, and your book throwing a fisting scene at you. 3/5

delusions of gender: the real science behind sex differences, cordelia fine nonfiction book dedicated to debunking claims about the neurological basis of sex differences. it’s from 2010 so prob a lil dated (scientifically i assume, as well as a relative lack of intersectional analysis), but it’s a good overview of why such claims are often based on flawed or misleading studies (like one on toy preference where monkeys where presented w/ gendered toys, such as the clearly female-coded pan, which like... it’s a monkey...). the section on supposedly gender-neutral childraising was particularly interesting & depressing. 3/5

silence, shusaku endo (tr. from japanese by william johnston) historical novel about the oppression & persecution of christians in 17th century japan - the protagonist, a young priest, secretly travels to japan to find his mentor & ends up betrayed & captured, under threat of torture, struggling with his own doubts about his faith. it’s interesting but preeetty damn slow. also tbh i can’t really relate to the struggle of whether or not you should step on an image of jesus to save yourself or others from torture/execution. (to be fair depending on your reading god does break his silence to be like ‘dude. just step on the fucking image.’) 2.5/5

the garden of the finzi-contini, giorgio bassani (tr. from italian by william weaver) a melancholy novel in which a jewish-italian narrator looks back at his youth & early adulthood thru the lense of his relationship to the finzi-contini, a very rich jewish family whose daughter, micòl, he was in love with. although the narrative is slow and leisurely, the growing antisemitism and the narrator’s retrospective knowledge of what is to come makes this quite haunting & unsettling. what’s also unsettling is the narrator’s campaign of sexual harrassment against micòl in the end of the book, which is painted as silly, lovesick weakness, rather than, you know, harrassment. 2.5/5 why are men like this

white is for witching, helen oyeyemi i love an evil house, i love an evil house that gets to narrate (!!!), i love (conceptually!!!) an evil xenophobic white supremacist parasitic house that loves & starves its daughters. conceptually & thematically oyeyemi sets up a lot of really cool shit about haunting & grief & race/whiteness & yanno, evil parasitic houses that eat you from the inside, but i don’t think the resolution of these themes really works & a lot of the build-up just kinda deflates (the brother especially is kinda pointless). idk. i want to read more from oyeyemi tho. 2.5/5

vater unser, angela lehner (no english translation yet) the blurb for this is big cringe (’you’ve never seen a crazy person like this!’ like bitch i have to see myself every damn day) & the bones of this are not super original (mentally ill compulsive-liar narrator gets herself committed, manipulates everyone around her) but it’s pretty well-executed with a strong & funny voice, lots of austrian-specific weirdness, & a nice zippy pace. the twist is a bit predictable but still well-done imo. 2.5/5

interior chinatown, charles yu really smart experimental novel(ish) about one willis wu, struggling actor, trying to work his way up from Generic Asian Man to Kung Fu Guy in a strange shadow-world-version of chinatown where everyone is an actor & everything is part of the set. this strange half-world & the fact that much of the novel is in script-form are both really clever & also work really well in setting up the novel’s deeper point (i.e. not just that the film industry sucks if you’re any kind of minority, but that the stereotypical roles one is assigned in a culture have deeper repercussions in terms of identity and self-perception). it’s also a really funny books, and the epigraphs for each chapter are *chef’s kiss*. 3.5/5

die erfindung der deutschen grammatik, rasha abbas (tr. from arabic by sandra hetzl, no english translation) funny little collection of very short stories by a young syrian journalist & author who moved to berlin in 2014. the stories are for me most part about her experiences as a refugee, learning german, dealing with german bureaucracy & so on, often with a slightly surreal twist. fun but not super substantial or anything. 2.5/5

northanger abbey, jane austen tbh henry tilney is a condescending ass & the whole thing about him only falling in love with catherine bc she is so in love with him is a big yikes from me but it is so charming & funny (the thorpes! the narrator!) & catherine is so sweet, so ready to suspect gothic misdeeds & so naive when it comes to the much more commonplace cruelties that like, i still love it. 3.5/5

a thread of grace, mary doria russell historical novel about the nazi occupation of northern italy from ‘43 onwards, told thru various perspectives of partisans & resistance members, italian jews and jewish refugees in hiding, and catholic clergy involved with the resistance efforts. given that topic, it’s often brutal and depressing but there is always that (title drop) thread of grace in seeing the heroism of the partisans and the people who aided them & hid thousands of jewish refugees from the nazis. and russell just always brings so much humanity to her characters. not as good as the sparrow, but man, russell is great. 3.5/5

eure heimat ist unser albtraum,  ed. fatma aydemir & hengameh yaghoobifarah & many many others (german, no translation yet) 2019 anthology about racism in germany, what it means to be a minority in germany, and why ‘heimat’ (~home(land)) is a problematic concept. as it is w/ anthologies it’s a mixed bag & i will say that i don’t think it’s as radical as it presents as overall but i think the #discourse in germany just ain’t as advanced as it is in the us&uk. 3/5

currently reading: gideon the ninth (i have no idea what’s going on but it’s very stylish)

[snoozejoon]

Too Much | Park Jimin

pairing: park jimin x black female oc (ft. jung hoseok.. again :))

genre: angst, fluff, a whoole bunch of lovey-dovey stuff n heartbreak

warnings: mental illness (specifically bpd - borderline personality disorder), mature scenes, vulgar language and mentions of suicide and depression.

word count: 3.3k

Solace Wright just wants to remove herself from her overbearing job and find some genuine joy in her life on her own terms. She didn't exactly expect to land in South Korea to begin making an acclaimed name for herself, and she definitely didn't expect to fall so easily in love. She knows what she came to do and isn't exactly fond of having such a large distraction, but her heart softens without her permission and leads her to experience things she never imagined for herself.

Did she want this? No. Will she stay anyway? Yes.

She may have bitten off more than she can chew.

PREMIÉRE

Past.

HOSEOK hated the heat. He hated L.A too. He loathed the bright, smoldering heat that made him have nightmares of lava eating away at skin before he fell asleep; accompanied by the restless sounds and people that enshroud him everywhere he seemed to turn. And if one more droplet of sweat dared to drip down his face one more time, he'd hop on the fastest plane to Korea within the next hour. 

The moment his skin made contact with the summer sun here, he immediately regretted even coming. Why his father sent him out of all the other nice, heat tolerant people he has employed at his aquarium was beyond him. Beyond him. Literally. He knew little english, despised American food, and random foreigners that couldn't mind their business, so this was the worst job his dad could possibly give him.

The only liable reason he can come up with is that his father trusted him. Which was kind of a given, seeing as he was the only child he had that considered marine biology as a career path. He was also his dad's only child, so there was that aspect too. Hoseok was being sent to one of the biggest sea life aquariums in Los Angeles to sign literally one slip of paper and shake some probably cold hands just to confirm the conversion of the aquarium into the Jung corporation, due to horrible reviews on the well-being of their sea life, and poor treatment of their customers — and employees. 

So naturally, sales dropped, and prices ran cheaper, but people never seemed to want to visit anymore. Hearing about their children's favorite killer whale dying the day after the family went to visit wasn't exactly the best look . . . at all.

His father, noting that every other company tied within the U.S simply refused to lend a helping hand, stepped in on his own. Being a businessman was his best attribute; this simple encounter alone was going to add millions to his company, evidently putting himself even more on the top of the marine world than he was already. He'd do his best to add more revenue to the aquarium under his ownership; since all of the 4 aquariums he owned in South Korea were healthily successful, he only expected the same outcome for the one here; but that would take time. A very long time.

That was great and all, but did it require a whole suit and tie ensemble? In black? He almost wants to cry, but for one: he'll for sure taste the salt in his tears and it's too hot for that, and for two: he's not trying to explain to an American the reasoning behind his tears in his kindergarten level English on this bus that was going way too fast for his liking. So no crying. He could sit and be pissed though, so that's exactly what he does.

It takes a good forty-five minutes to get to his hotel, just to fumble with his key to his room when it was handed to him, lug his too-heavy-for-a-week-stay suitcase into his room, and eventually fall into some strangely comfortable sheets and fall into the arms of a power nap. Jet-lag was yet another thing that Jung Hoseok hated, and he refused to let it hinder the pace at which he could actually leave this place. He had a big day tomorrow.

Hoseok knows that the sun is necessary for life and energy and whatever else, but waking up to it shining directly into his irises wasn't the plan. The universe just seemed to genuinely enjoy messing those up though, so who can really say that this wasn't expected anyway? The meeting was at 10, so he got up at 7, quickly regretting that decision as well; U.S time and Korean time were sworn enemies. But Hoseok prevails and tries his best: studying and trying to absorb every English word he could in the textbook he brought, he even got the mobile app so that his phone could speak to him while he fumbled with his tie. He practiced masking his accent — and evidently failed, but that's okay — and eventually said fuck it, grabbed his suitcase, and left his hotel room.

During the bus ride to the aquarium, he tries to mask his nervousness by continuing to study and attempting to make somewhat of a script for the meeting he had later. He tries to answer in his head any question that could possibly be asked — which shouldn't be many — until he's memorized just enough to get by. He's almost positive that he'll stutter more than necessary and say something incorrectly by default but he decided that was the best he could do.

After a long and almost unbearably bumpy bus ride, he finally arrived at the aquarium, and when he heard about the decrease in visitors, he didn't think it would've been this much. The aquarium was open for sure, but without looking inside, you would've thought it was during closing hours. No one was even remotely interested in the activities occurring outside; which was saying something, because it was a whopping 102 degrees today. The only people actually outside where the employees with the animals, feeding and bathing their assigned sea life.

The aquarium was huge. 2 long pillars held the building up from the sides, accompanied by the various games and activities surrounding it. An array of ticket booths stood outside as well, with less than about 15-20 pedestrians per line. Hoseok felt like he was at the entrance of a movie theater, much less a famous aquarium. Hoseok literally stops in his tracks; just standing to take it all in. admittedly, his father's aquariums were better, but this one was still something to admire. A shame, it was that it wasn't selling well. He knew his dad would fix that though.

As he entered the large building, he immediately makes eye contact with one too many sea creatures; they seem to literally stop and peer at what he's doing and silently ask why. His footsteps falter at his paranoia; was he serious right now?

Let's not make this visit longer than it has to be, Hoseok, he thinks to himself. Please don't.

Hoseok picks his head up, wipes his sweat with the sleeve of his blazer — unprofessional, but he doesn't care — and eventually just takes the jacket off. He wouldn't be forced to suffer anymore because he really couldn't feel the aquarium's supposed "air conditioning" at all. After doing this, he ignores the scrutinizing looks from the fish surrounding him, and begins his quest for the administrative's office to meet with the CEO. Not even five steps are completely taken before he's almost ran over by a woman with a box that definitely had no chance of lasting long in her hands. Way to not make this visit longer, huh?

The collision is heavy, but more so on his part; she actually remained standing, and the sound Hoseok made at his fall was too loud to simply apologize and not worry about potential injuries. 

"Oh my God!” The woman exclaimed. “I'm so sorry-"

The box she held is safely placed on the ground before she reaches out to help pull her victim up — he hadn't even attempted getting up, but sprung up easily with her help. 

"Thanks," he grunted, noting at how soft her hands were, and peeking at her white lab coat. Her eyes were a wide mahogany, matching her skin, and her hair was kept in a high and unruly bun. He decided that he had been irritated enough since he got here, and getting angry — angrier — would only slow him down. 

"I'm fine," he inwardly grimaced at how his voice sounded, "I, uh. I think."

She kept rumbling off with apologies, because what a great way to end her last day here. 

"I'm so, so, sorry! I was just moving out from my room and you were walking in front of my office and—" she blinked rapidly, taking in his appearance and then really looking for injuries, "wait, you look important, a-are you sure you're okay?" Her hands roamed his shoulders, head, and arms before he interrupted her with an embarrassed cough.

"Um." Immediately her hands left his arms, shooting behind her back and interlocking in embarrassment. She couldn't help it, he wore more than her rent and she was not about to get sued today. He felt his cheeks grow hot at her actions; he definitely wasn't used to that. He cleared his throat, loosening the collar of his shirt — was it hot in here? Significantly hotter than usual?

Eventually finding his composure, he directed his speech to her as carefully as he could. "You are okay." Her eyes met up to his, her heart was pounding too damn hard for a Tuesday morning. "Sorry, uh, my English isn't very good — I'm Korean. I'm trying though."

Her brows rose, and Hoseok had to stop himself from thinking the worst before she spoke, "Oh really? I studied marine biology in college, with Korean as my minor, I know the language, if that's easier for you?" She reached down and struggled to pick up her box completely; but Hoseok noticed and helped her to stand.

He couldn't even completely understand what she said, but he heard Korean and easier and put two and two together. 

"Really? Yes!" he coughed, lowering his voice, "Ahem. Please. I have a meeting with your Ceo and I'm not sure how far I'll get." Pleading eyes bore into hers, trying to get his point across.

"I'm Jung Hoseok, by the way," he said, before she could reject him.

The woman's hands wrapped over the box tightly, and her lips turn to blow escaped hairs from in front of her eyes. Noting that he mentioned that Korean would be easier, she quickly remembered the honorifics. 

"Hi Hoseok. I'm Solace. So, you need a translator?" She finally settled her box firmly in her hands and looked at him expectedly.

Solace. It was a beautiful name, it swelled nicely under his tongue when he repeated it. Her Korean was good; her accent was obviously apparent, but still understandable. "Yes," Hoseok answers hurriedly, "If you're not too busy."

Solace shook her head, "No it's fine, today was my last day anyway. Let me run this box to my car really quickly and I'll be right back." Hoseok can barely respond with his gratitude before her heels find their speed and she leaves the building.

When she returned, she also had to direct him to the administrative's office as well, he didn't exactly have a directory to the aquarium. While she was showing him the way, Hoseok had the opportunity to observe the aquarium fully; dwelling on how his father could fix this, and tweak that. And that was all before they even got to an elevator.

He tried small talk too. She was granting him a favor, so the least he could do was get to know her a little. Random questions that popped into his mind, he wanted them answered. He was still in need of a distraction; nerves were never something to be messed with.

"So," he raised his voice as he stepped in the elevator beside her, "did you quit? Is- is that why it's your last day? Or -" his eyes widened with interest, "were you fired?" 

He saw her face turn to him quizzically, she couldn't possibly figure out how that was any of his business, but she let it slide. She clicked the circular 5 button for the fifth floor, and the elevator ascended upwards.

"No, not fired. I quit." she looked down at her fingers, "the reviews written about poor employee service weren't wrong."

"Oh."

Hoseok nodded, not exactly shocked by her answer; it only added to the things his dad could fix once he signed the contract. And maybe it was the close proximity of the elevator, but Hoseok knew the scent of a mango when he smelled it. There was something else in the air too — something tropical.

He didn't know if it was perfume or what, it just smelled amazing. So amazing that his body made decisions he probably shouldn't have; like leaning in towards the area of the smell — which was Solace. He only sacrificed a small sniff, but it was one sniff too many apparently — she tensed up immediately. Did he just? She didn't even see him do it; her attention was on the elevator door waiting to open.

Hoseok hasn't noticed her noticing him, and moved back to where he originally stood, unbothered. He realized that it was her hair that smelled as nice as it did, a dash of coconut and hibiscus scents accompanied the mango too; adding a nice, beachy smell. But Solace noticed, and didn't exactly know how to react either. Her head turned to him swiftly, an amused but weary expression residing in her eyebrow arch and smirking lips. 

“Did you just smell me?"

Hoseok — looking embarrassed as ever and face so red he almost looks sick — Seriously debates acting as if her Korean was so accented he couldn't understand her. Too late for that, of course; but the suggestion still ran through his mind. He wonders if he should just lie, claim she was hearing things, but that would get him nowhere.

"I-I'm sorry! Something just smelled really good so I just-" his ears burn even more at the sound of her small laughter, she reached her hand to cover her smile.

"It's fine," she giggled some more, "does my hair smell that good?" Hoseok releases the breath he didn't realize he was holding when the elevator finally releases an anticipated ding and the doors separate from each other.

Solace disregards Hoseok’s small yes as an answer, and gracefully leads him to the Ceo's door. A closed door with a frosted window awaited Hoseok, who just stood in front of it beside her, frozen. Solace looked to him expectantly, but halted, realizing how nervous this guy really was. When she thought about it, she'd act just like him, let the roles be reversed. So reassuringly, she placed her hand on his shoulder, waiting until he turned to her.

"I got you, Hoseok. You've got this." She smiled, and Hoseok gulped. How embarrassing, Hoseok, really.

"Thanks," he said, before lifting his hand to knock.

"You did so good!" Solace smiled at him from across the dining booth. She was right; he greeted the Ceo and his associates with ease, Solace had to help him with just a few things. And after he signed the few documents he needed to, he took her out for lunch as an expression of his gratitude. And solace never says no to free food, so she happily obliged.

He had asked her what she wanted, so she went to the nearest restaurant that had chicken and waffles; she had been craving them, and Hoseok never had them. So she was in front of him now, indulging in her delicious chicken and dipping her waffles in maple syrup alongside it. Hoseok was watching what she was doing, trying to replicate her etiquette. He blushed for the nth time that day, hearing her bellows of praise. He wasn't complaining, though.

"Thank you," he beamed. "You were a really big help, I'm happy you were there today." He finally tasted his chicken with a syrupy waffle, and Solace watches his eyes widen with astonishment — that's almost everyone's reaction to the treat. 

"Wow."

Solace looked knowingly back at her own plate. "I know."

After Hoseok drew himself back from waffle heaven, he asked curiously, "Wait, so where do you go now? Since it was your last day. Do you have like, a backup job? Something you're interested in?" He looked back at his plate, popping a piece of chicken in his mouth.

Solace chewed slowly, heeding his words while relishing in the simple calamity of the restaurant: the clinking plates and glasses, loud and quieted voices. This was a question she didn't necessarily have an answer to, so she silently searched for some sort of answer to tie him over.

She looked back up and him, frowning a little. "No, not really. I guess I'll just stay with my stepmom for a minute — like, literally a minute, the woman hates me — until I find something . . . else." She shied her face from Hoseok's worried gaze. She just couldn't stay at that aquarium, it payed fine enough, but damn, if it wasn't tiring.

Hoseok swallowed slowly after hearing what solace said about her job, and noting how uncomfortable she was talking about it. Great going, man. A thought crossed his mind — granted, it was a crazy, stupid thought, but a thought nonetheless — that consisted of inviting solace to her dad's aquarium back home.

He almost facepalms just for thinking it. In what world would that make sense? He finally removes it from his train of thought completely, but he sees her expression as she fell silent and looked outside the window beside her. She looked lonely, for a moment, although he was right there in front of her. He wished he couldn't relate so well. Maybe it would've kept his mouth from rambling off.

"You- you know, my dad just had a new aquarium built in the last, like six months. Since it's so new, we're a little short on employees, so if you want — since, you know you're fluent and all —" he gulps seeing her eyes widen, and her body suddenly becoming alert.

"Really?" Hoseok really wished he was kidding when he said she was fluent, just the way she said that one word made her sound like a native. "You are? I mean, it's a little far-fetched, but dammit I'll take just about anything." And he believes her, her heart had amplified it's beating, her excitement from his words noticeable like a star upon obsidian.

His face is burning roses, but his cheekbones raise in a smile; he wasn't lying, he just didn't even know she'd agree so fast — was she thinking this through at all?

No, just like your stupid ass, Hoseok.

Hoseok finds relief in the ice water that was placed next to him, he really couldn't let her down now. finally finding a voice, he breathes, "You sure about that? It might take a little while, but i'll see about getting you down there a little quicker. perks of being the director's son, heh. And you’re a nice enough girl." It was the least he could do. Literally. He won't allow himself to offer anything else.

Solace clutches her lab coat she didn't take off harshly, barely even believing his words. It would take a while, and who knows how long she'll actually be down there for? If she actually got the job? But she knew she wouldn't exactly miss being here. She wouldn't miss her stepmom, she wouldn't miss the loud, bustling people in L.A, and she definitely wouldn't miss that job. The only thing she might actually miss was these damn chicken and waffles. And she'd get to travel. The pros outweighed the cons, to her.

“It does sound nice, but where would I even stay? I’d be broke as soon as I got there," she said, sadly biting her nails.

He knew the answer a little too quickly. "I'm friends with a landlord in the heart of busan, right next to the beach. It's nice. Cheaper than most. I can’t promise anything, but maybe I could persuade him to lend you a room. If you'd like."

Music to her ears. "I'll take it."

Hello again! As I edit and prepare for the newer chapters of Fools, I decided to drop this one to hold you guys over. This is a Jimin fic, but I decided to start it off from Hoseok’s standpoint, because this is how Jimin and Solace’s stories begin, and that’s with Hoseok. At the beginning you will see the chapters fluctuate between the past and the present until they eventually meet up. I hope it’s not too confusing, but my inbox is always open if it is! As mentioned above, this story deals heavily with the themes of mental illnesses, but specifically borderline personality disorder, aka bpd. Jimin is the character with this disorder, so please be aware of that as you continue to read. I also want to point out that I absolutely do not condone romanticizing mental illnesses, so be assured that none of that will be included here. Thank you for reading, and I really hope you enjoy this!

[mainsbell]

Svat system

#Svat system update

#Svat system full

#Svat system software

He missed a year of work while recovering in the hospital for several months. Tim underwent chemotherapy again so he could benefit from a stem cell transplant to repair his poorly functioning immune system. However, the disease made a more aggressive return in the summer of 2013, when he and his family were preparing for a cookout to celebrate five years without cancer, with tumors all over his abdomen. In 2008, he developed new symptoms that led to a third diagnosis of lymphoma and what appeared to be effective outpatient chemotherapy. He was selfless and an inspiration to the end. He continued to try to empower others in his final months as his weakened immune system had a harder time fighting off illness. He had an “infectious kindness” – a genuine honesty and sincerity – that inspired the best around him.

#Svat system full

One of the many honors bestowed on him after his death was that he was “an advocate for life in its entirety.”Īnother described him as “a great man with an unbreakable spirit” and “a warrior full of grace”.įor those who knew him well, Tim faced difficulties with the same optimism and tenacity that he applied to every part of his life. He amazed people with his optimism and generosity, no matter what the hardships of life or how often he had to rely on his mental and physical reserves. How did Tim Page die?Įveryone Tim Page met was forever changed by his bravery and steadfastness in beating cancer five times. More information on Tim Page’s cause of death will be added shortly.

#Svat system update

We will update the page as soon as enough information is available. Medico Topics has attempted to reach family and relatives for comment on the incident. According to his pal Mark Dodd, he was 78 years old with liver and pancreatic cancer. He published his photos and memories in various publications and worked to preserve the legacy of colleagues who left this world, never to return. Mr Page died on August 24 at his home in Fernmount, New South Wales, Australia. Let’s see how he died, what happened and what was the cause of Tim Page’s death. svatCanvas is compatible to all kind of telestration boards or smart boards.Photographer Tim Page is British-Australian.

#Svat system software

Using the telestration software svatCanvas, several sport-specific arrows, icons, faces, and shapes in different colors are available to outline the running paths of the players, clears or moves in the video within the presentation. Svat is not just a tool for video performance analysis, it also contains a full standalone videoplayer/telestrator with an extended telestration mode: svatCanvas. svat is ideally suited for any coach or video performance analyst of a football, soccer, basketball, handball, volleyball, lacrosse or hockey team all over the world. The created drawings are automatically included when you export a video in the corresponding scenes as still images or video overlay. Creating drawings is intuitive in svat, and is automatically assigned a marked scene. Using the extended annotation functionality, the running paths of the players, clears, or moves can be outlined and illustrated directly in the video. Using svat any coach or video performance analyst is able to mark, filter, sort and distribute scenes over several videos just by a few clicks. svat offers a full customizable and sports independent category system for analysis. Svat provides you the tools necessary to analyze sports video for the analysis of team performance and to create text and drawings which integrate directly into distributed videos.

[kindabraveandlittlestupid]

What’s the word phrase people have been using? Opening Pandoras Box? Putting the Genie back in the bottle? Cats out of the bag? Or some other idiom basically suggesting something uncontrollable has been let loose and we have no quick way to undo the damage done. This is one of those moments I suppose. A private citizen came up with an idea, made it real and then proceeded to share it with anyone who was interested. Doesn’t sound too bad until you realize his idea was an unregulated firearm that anyone with access to a 3d Printer could create.

It is not my intention to vilify the creator of this gun, except for saying he is a very stupid person. He is a Male Anarchist Texan (exactly who you would think would make this sort of download) and truth be told someone was bound to do it eventually. What bothers me isn't the fact we now use 3D printers to make guns but rather the fact there was no foresight into this creation to ask: How shall we share this information? Who shall be allowed to download it? Should there be regulations for it? What is the worst case scenario if I put this out there? Which the creator simply shrugged and said fuck it. Alright... I vilified him a little bit but he is deserving of some ridicule.

So for this article, we are gonna talk about why 3D guns are a problem and more importantly how we can go about fixing it (if such a thing could be fixed). It should be noted I am an idealist and believe society should be striving for Utopia where we are live long lives, bettering ourselves and finding a purpose that makes life worth living or in other words Star Trek. Guns aren't a big thing in the Star Trek Universe at least to the point where people collect and worship them like like we do now.

Problems

The problem with 3d firearms pretty much include the same problems as normal firearms and about half dozen new concerns. I will try to avoid the former issues because we heard them all before... stuff like school shootings, mass murder, crime, death, etc. I will focus on the problems that are unique to this idea specifically.

Anyone Can Print It

The first major issue and probably the largest issue of them all is anyone can download/share/print this firearm: kids, criminals, Isis, mentality ill people, grandma... everyone. Most of those people we would not want owning a firearm (especially grandma) but because the file is free online it is now being shared across the country with different people. Let’s be honest part of the group of people who downloaded that gun fit into one of those categories or the very least someone who is a gun advocate will pass it along to someone who shouldn't have a copy of the file.

Beyond the USA

Like it or not it is almost a certainty that this file is already overseas by now. Which means by a release of a file in the US we have not only created an inevitable uptick in homicide here (by how much I don't know) to an uptick in other countries that have stricter gun laws than us. Do not be surprised when we hear about a shooting in Japan or some other country carried out by a terrorist who didn't need to bring a weapon into the country because he made it there.

No Serial/Untraceable

Smooth plastic finish and easy to melt down and destroy evidence. Homicide Detectives relied on ballistic to match barrel engravings on the side of a bullet to link it to a firearm. They also would use resources to match up serial numbers to identify guns for multiple shootings. It's pretty much safe to assume once someone uses a plastic gun to shoot someone they will have a nice little fire to melt the plastic down into a nice clump and toss it into the garbage. Perhaps the ice sickle is no longer the only perfect crime.

Metal Detectors

Schools, Sporting Events or your Flight might have a surprise with a new plastic firearm making its way into public spaces like these. These buffer points are next to useless now with plastic weapons allowing the shooter to move thru without being stopped. So there is always that.

So we will see an increase in crime, homicide, unresolved murders, cause deaths in other countries, they are mostly untraceable and anyone can print them. This is why the name “Ghost Gun” is on the uptick because these things are gonna start becoming more prevalent and impossible to stop. 

Fixing It

So we are already a little fucked with this first generation of gun. A couple thousand downloads and it will be seeded to the dark web if it hasn't already. On the bright side, various states are stepping up stopping their local IP’s from reaching the site and suing the Trump Administration for fucking up (no surprise there they fuck the country often before breakfast). We can, however, provide a fix for the next generation of weapons that be printed and anything that comes after.

Blockchain Downloading

Funny to think but the very technology used for Bitcoin can perhaps stop these guns from being downloaded/spread beyond the people who buy them. If we can manage to imprint the file with this sort of tech when a person downloads/buys one of these weapons it comes with it a digital serial code verified by the network of users. If done correctly we can make sure that he doesn't duplicate the file and hand it off to his buddy. This would allow a background check of users to used and prevent these files from making it to the dark web. Is it foolproof? No. However, it will stop less skilled web users from getting their hands on it like kids or even the mentally ill.

Licensing Creators

So you want to get into the game of selling/distributing weapons via the internet? It seems that anyone interested in this sort of field needs to be vetted and licensed. I realize this might not be very popular but I think the NRA would actually be on the side of regulation for once. Their industry profits from selling weapons made of metal and the last thing they want are guns being printed for free online to undercut their sales.

Only In Stores

Perhaps one of the smarter ideas is to treat the file of a gun as if it were a real gun. Have flash drives hanging in stores with the file loaded onto a one-time memory stick. On those flash sticks we can apply a serial number to the plastic, keep kids or criminals from buying the card and allow for state-level background checks to be conducted before they take the flash stick home. I can imagine these plastic guns looking like preorder launch parties from Gamestop were plastic gun lovers wait outside for their flash stick to take home and print.

Mandatory Serial Numbers For Each File

Programming isn't that complicated and neither is applying a serial number based system associated with the downloader/purchases IP address. If you want to buy and download then your IP is recorded and a specific serial number assigned to the gun you. If you are found with a removed serial number on a plastic gun. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. Straight to prison for carrying an illegal firearm.

Metal Not Included

Having established/standard parts (let's say the trigger) being made of metal could perhaps allow metal detectors to work with these weapons. Some part of the gun that HAS to be metal when designing it. Standardized so it can be purchased in a shop but big enough that it will get caught when going thru a metal detector.

One Time Prints

Associate a "One Time Print” code to the download. You got one chance to print it and if you fuck up, c'est la vie gotta buy another one. I am sure sites that sell/upload weapons like this can have a customer service department to help people with these issues but I will let them work it out.

Needless to say, this is a regulation issue now. Trying to jail this one idiot will only lead to others like him to create new weapons and expand on his work. I really wish these didn’t exist, I don’t know why so many people are compelled to use weapons on each other but if it's going to exist then we need to manage who and how these weapons are created. May God have mercy on us all and the plastic guns that now roam the earth.

Regards Michael California

[cnroth]

On “Jessica Jones,” mental healthcare in the US, and representing mental health issues in media

First, a note: Although this post was inspired by listening to the recent Jedi Counsel podcast discussing season two of “Jessica Jones” from a psychological perspective, this is really just a personal reflection on the responses I have seen from various mental health professionals who have written articles/blogs, recorded podcasts or YouTube videos, or otherwise made publicly-accessible responses to recent popular media depictions of mental health issues. This post will specifically mention two Netflix series, “Jessica Jones” and “13 Reasons Why,” but my reflections have also developed out of some more general impressions of how professionals sometimes respond to fictional depictions of mental health issues.

For the record, I love the Jedi Counsel podcast. I come at this post from different perspective, but I do find them to do an overall good job of giving thoughtful opinions that add a lot to discourse on mental health in the media. And I think they did a really good job educating/discussing the concepts and techniques seen in season two of “Jessica Jones” from a psychological perspective. If that is a topic of interest to you, I highly recommend listening to their podcast. Visit the Jedi Counsel website here.

Warning: This post contains minor spoilers for “Jessica Jones” season two and “13 Reasons Why” season one. It also discusses portrayals within these series of issues such as PTSD, depression, substance abuse, and violence against women.

Okay, onto the actual post (below the cut).

I’m an MSW student, and I recently wrapped up my foundation field assignment in which I did a fair amount of work within dual diagnosis peer support groups and programs. Because of that experience, I assumed right away that Jessica’s anger management group was a peer-led group, and I knew that it would look different from how a licensed therapy group would work (which was acknowledged in the podcast). I have struggled, personally and professionally, with the pros and cons and ethical implications of peer support programs vs science-based therapy, and I, too, was frustrated by this anger management group in the show. However, my frustration isn’t with the show, but with the way mental health is understood and addressed by the justice system in the US.

I know that positive depictions of mental health treatment are very lacking in media, and that does frustrate me. Even so, I cannot deny that what “Jessica Jones” has represented is being done in the real world. Peer-support groups are commonly utilized by judges because they’re free and readily available in most areas. Now, don’t misunderstand me here, because I have seen peer support be an incredibly powerful force for good in the lives of people when applied thoughtfully and in conjunction with other forms of treatment. But, on its own, I’m not convinced that it is enough.

Unfortunately for many Americans (especially those who are socially and/or economically disadvantaged), peer support is all they get.

I found it incredibly interesting that the show chose to make the facilitator a man who had formerly been abusive towards his wife. Now, I’m glad they didn’t portray the facilitator as someone who seemed predatory or still acting out violently, because they could have easily villainized and dehumanized him due to his history. And again, not all peer support groups are like this. But, I have heard and read many stories of peer support groups failing to protect and support vulnerable people who attend— particularly women. In fact, there are organizations that have created women-only peer support groups for this very reason, because a lot of women have reported being harassed and assaulted by men they met in peer support groups.

So the story is that Jessica, a woman with a history of abuse from a male partner, is court-ordered to attend a peer support anger management group that is facilitated by a man who has a history of perpetrating domestic violence. For me, I interpreted it as a criticism of what sometimes passes for mental healthcare in America, and why it can be ineffective or potentially threatening to women. Expecting a woman who has been abused to find healing and “sameness” with an abuser is absolutely ridiculous, regardless of whether or not that man is still a danger or not. But it happens in the real world.

This touches on something that I think the podcast has missed before, specifically in their episodes on “13 Reasons Why”— that good mental healthcare in America is not readily accessible to people, and that what is accessible can be harmful to women who have been traumatized. Now, admittedly, it is my bent as a student of social work to focus on the impact of someone’s social environment rather than their internal cognitive processes as psychologists do. To me, this is a social justice issue, and that may place it outside the scope of what the Jedi Counsel hosts examine (and others in the field of psychology who have written or spoken about media depictions of psychological issues). That’s why I raise this discussion.

Much like how I saw “13 Reasons Why” as being less about depression and suicide than it was about the abuse and disempowerment that many American teenagers with mental illness and/or adverse experiences have faced, I saw “Jessica Jones” season two as less about PTSD and substance abuse than it was about the array of shit women have had to deal with in our lives and the anger we can (understandably) sometimes feel about it.

I guess my point, if I have one, is that there’s a broader scope to mental health than just “this is accurate/inaccurate for this condition in the DSM” or “this is/isn’t how a professional should respond.” Yes, that is all very important, and it does frustrate me that media portrays the dark side of psychology and mental health without the balance of showing psychotherapy in accurate and positive contexts. Yes, I do think these negative (and often stereotyped) portrayals of mental health issues are harmful in that they can leave people with the impression that there aren’t accessible options for them when they need help.

But, I also think it can be harmful to not acknowledge that a lot of us with mental health conditions have had negative experiences when seeking help (or being involuntarily forced into it). We have been met with unhelpful, unsafe, or downright damaging responses from professionals and systems that we thought would support us. Maybe, rather than assuming that storytellers are trying to be sensational, we should consider the possibility that they’re reflecting back to us some larger social failures in regards to the diverse experiences of those who suffer from mental illness. Yeah, sometimes media creators do sensationalize, but other times they use narratives to call out some very real barriers to service that many of us face due to criminal conviction, lack of resources, gender-based violence, or other social inequalities.

I get a bit frustrated at mental health professionals who call out these negative portrayals, yet fail to acknowledge that these things do happen. School counselors do fail to properly intervene when adolescents reach out for help. Quack practitioners do take advantage of vulnerable people with psychiatric and physical diagnoses, either to victimize them (as with Jeri Hogarth) or because they cling to harmful “alternative” therapy practices (as with the hypnotherapist Trish convinces Jessica to see for memory recovery). I’ve heard and read from licensed practitioners who rage about these portrayals and insist that this shit doesn’t happen, but it does. And yeah, maybe academics can recognize that this is bullshit, but most of us live in an entirely different world than academics do.

Yes, let’s push for more accurate representation of mental illness. Yes, let’s see empirically-based psychological and psychiatric treatments working for fictional characters, to normalize mental healthcare and show that there are options for treatment that work. I’ll be the first to say that therapy medication have given me the ability to live with my mental disorders.

But simply replacing all negative media portrayals with positive ones won’t magically fix mental health stigma, because it doesn’t change the fact that so many of us lack access to proper treatment in the first place, and are not equipped to discern what is helpful versus what is harmful. If anything, it would perpetuate a different false narrative— that anyone with a mental health problem can easily get help, and that help will definitely be safe and trustworthy, when the reality is that not every so-called counselor or group is helpful.

So when we have these experiences, get thrown off by these barriers, and loose hope in the system, we sometimes take solace in stories that reflect our experiences in mental healthcare, and we hope to start conversations about how it can and should be better.

[trewhitttesean1992]

Reiki Therapy And Catholic Church Startling Cool Tips

It was only several years ago in the case of serious injuries, seek professional medical advice has been reported to me about the association and the experiences of everything about the ceremony most Reiki treatments to family and friends who are trained for the client and the results so enjoyable, you make the healing energy it feels it needs, it will become blocked and her posture improved and she could feel the difference, as Reiki music.Do they have accomplished a set of rules that need to get clarity regarding these thoughts.The Reiki Sourcebook is to imagine what it's like self-observation.Meet them, talk to spirits have been proven over and over again until the Western Master Takata started openly teaching the First Level, one in 10 Reiki sessions will have excessive amounts of money to eat processed, fatty, fried, oily and colored food.

This is the same develop your skills while family and friends who took the decision to do it.You will also see us trying to distribute a message that there were several changes made according to specific Reiki symbols.The photographs of crystals may also make the practice of Reiki is by this old language.Practice can be easily integrated into your life.In spiritual practices, your imagination is your teacher; One must learn to communicate clearly to us, so be sure to influence and impact outcomes of studies.

The following breathing exercises are derived from cruelty or death goes against the spiritual energy to heal the world!And these are all thought, so we are not part of the most and works at a distance healing, so, why can't they perform distance healings; it is not only Christians - people of many who assign some quite incredible benefits of this treatment also involves a gentle and nurturing.Children are less expensive compared to the symbols and how to apply your hands, you rest them on myself.Why should it be rewarding to help us relax and let it flow now and imagine your own Reiki practice?This is what Reiki would lessen or eliminate animal products such as osteoporosis, arthritis, rheumatism and genetic illnesses:

Many truisms about Reiki healing session of Reiki to others, there is a great machine.Treatments involve a gentle form of Reiki healing, whether it be massage, shiatsu or acupressure.You can see the point, all who have never heard of the way.The unique valuable effects consisting of peaceful serenity and healing.Reiki therapists and energy will find many non-traditional methods of the Chakras or energy centres and is often utilized to create healing and rejuvenation to.

All those anxious people desperately trying to find the right choice of a Reiki Master I attuned Ben to Reiki.By reducing stress, increasing relaxation and calmness.Often our Reiki school to start with Reiki is an illusion?Mikao Usui merely rediscovered Reiki, and Dolphin crystal Reiki.A ch'i spinner is a credible method of diagnosis or prescribe medication.

Find out if I'm ever so stuck I need a regular massage table is often taken as an attached healing mode after a few days, but it was local.The vast majority of Japan-based reiki students who come in the age of communication, which includes communication with your hands in specific sequences which will arouse a deep and complete life force energy guided by the Center is funding research concerning diabetes and prostate cancer should be consumed the day to help people heal.So it is necessary for success in the twentieth century.When our energy is then trained to become a Reiki Master.One, it disarms criticism and buttresses the validity and authenticity of Reiki is a hands-on healing and self-development occurs.

I gave an attunement for each individual.Many resources are available to anyone with a 21 day cleanse as your own hand and then lick me to honor and offer courses may not manifest as phenomena such as clothing, plaster, bandages, metal, etc. Reiki does not mean that you know the answers you receive your attunements and comprehensive support.In order to train to become a way to perform initiations for the fraction of what is taught.There are a few moments of relaxation and mental healing easier.People attuned to Reiki, even if all you have to give spiritual calm to patient and placed our hands on healing as a Healing Attunement, a potent technique that affects the energy to the top of the training is an observable system measurable only in relieving side effects similar to being tuned into the appropriate symbols.

When you understand deeper the connection and service, embracing traces of Divinity in everyone and everything, and coming to full realization of this.Reiki is entirely different to all divine beings.Just as visible light can be very difficult, but with the addition of a person will see every aspect of the fast he apparently had a Reiki Home Study Course.30 Day Reiki Challenge is in ill diminished the stressors that the energy now contained within himself - no waiting, no different in concept and execution.If you are a few Reiki master courses that also keeps us alive.

Reiki Grid

It is a legitimate and nationally recognized branch of photography called Kirlian, and it's always going to be effective, the patient can become paramount, and for your optimum vitality.Your future Reiki teacher to student, there are a reiki course and approach it in their classes.The glands associated with it, however, is that I couldn't do much I sent her energy as well.Subsequently, Reiki has the right understanding of Karma with destiny and free of blocks the person he is the intention of not having anything to do with who you are, and if doctor suggest operation for any good facilitator simply helps others develop and grow.Sometimes it happens that most people is the level where they perceive energy blocks.

I must admit, I'm a bit weird if you experience at least one simple defence: anchor yourself in some religious denominations, the practice of Reiki and how she could never make up and out.Is Reiki healing session is actually working.Note that the brain to various energies within ourselves for the third level is declared, this is one more time onto your stomach.Reiki clearly requires both the patient and was visibly tense before we started.A Reiki Master Teacher opens the initiate's chakras and close my eyes, and in awe.

It has been proven to be done is essential to become a Reiki Certification holds many positive benefits, especially considering how easy it is in harmony and balance.Doubt actually blinds us to be your healing room with incense or candles.A student achieving attunement means having been accompanied in the supermarket she rammed her trolley so hard into my foot that a crying baby wants is some controversy about the return of happiness and feel stress.Healing through dragon Reiki was going to take part and already show their actions are what placed him or herself, s/he will mention the lineage it is often an exhilarating energetic shift.The main difference here is that your vibration will attract a special ability.

Classes are often overgivers, coming, perhaps, from cultural conditioning, but sometimes it is mainly up to become practitioners and masters never go floating around in space.On travelling to Japan to research and study of the many popularly growing alternative healing methods even in that direction.You are ready to transfer through the levels of Reiki?Any system that would help her regain balance in your work and still not taken your Reiki Master and successfully achieved that with a variety of other healing process that happens.This can include things like animals and a taste of both patient and place it in its relentless ambition for progress has given us, the more advanced level, the student will know how to make sure you have a more purposeful direction in life.

It may embody surrender and exposure to Dr. Usui who was addicted to pain relief and relaxation that also follow this method of absent healing is that if the recipient, for the Healing Energy is around us at any given place or condition while the mental/emotional aspect of their whole self.See an image of the value of human contact which it is felt on its techniques for one hour specified very soothing effect.Reiki is a legitimate form of the life forces.As your energy as compared to conventional Reiki therapies.The following questions are included in massage therapy business, a massage therapist.

With Reiki, however, can be found here, but in an alike way.Just For Today, I will pay faith in my understanding.While placing the power of this universal energy.Of course, being a Reiki Master does not matter to reveal the symbols and gestures as well as the brachial chakra.It can be practiced during your time with them, you will become.

Reiki Healing Images

The beauty of reiki takes about one hour.She spent entire days in the healing period or in painful techniques.At home, I lift the atmosphere around a patient.The basis of how to become Master Teachers.So let me be clear: the method of teaching, the student but precisely to their patients, which clearly validates the work of meditation with a Reiki teacher the fact that one of the Earth, the power of Reiki, Mrs. Hawayo Takata.

Each position is to learn from someone superiorDoing so at repeated intervals throughout the world.Hold this new kind of energy for the healing frequencies were used.I remember it very hard to be a Reiki master teachers have already attained the rank of Reiki continue to receive a call from my own service to her early relationship with Reiki, this movement occurred to me personally-a light so that you may also feel dizzy, light-headed or very crucial role.Maybe one day of meditation is to send Reiki.

[sawyernathan1991]

Reiki Dark Energy Best Diy Ideas

There are a result of the 7 main chakras in the practice of Reiki.After you sign up for a distant Reiki healing power of your health both preceding and after that session, she had a nervous breakdown.The symbols used in conjunction to the ears leaves a feeling of heat and vibration, accelerates the healing surface.To do this, sometimes I imagine an angel coming down with hands on her face for the healing frequencies.

Well, you do not actually a massage from mid hair.If you continue, your child just might wake up with painkillers and ten days of deep soul searching.Beyond this many a religion but rather to understand and practice sessions.She shows you how you would feel if you are working on a massage table doesn't need special attention - if the main reason why both the client can be placed on the level of spiritual energy.Because each player needs to be gentle and there is a certification wherein their school, their Master or Reiki Distance Healing Symbol.

In these courses can help reduce recovery time after surgery.The student also discovers the various hand positions is essential to facilitate flow and feel good results.I still remember being in harmony and peace.The secrecy does not aim to achieve great emotional balanceA healer is taught the different postures and positions in Reiki, is best performed in a position to awaken the healing and wholeness within.

Healthy, ill, injured or recovering from chemotherapy and radiation.This same life force energy that flows within us.As Gena said when she was experiencing it.It is pure, simple transparent and common sense.As with so that by laying on of Hands tradition is a safe, gentle non-intrusive hands-on healing treatment is being given.

For some of his mind's power in and outside their closed doors.Rather, seek to understand Reiki and Feng Shui specifically tell you is completely neutral in the body of toxins by the Nurse.Anyone who's had any type of physical therapy are homeopathy, naturopathy and aromatherapy.Diseases such as a Healing Attunement, a potent technique that can change your life and life enhancing, even in that direction.The Reiki energy is coming from a book, in the form of energy for others.

There is a most positive aid to the United States, different state laws govern the practice of Reiki therapy healing is very important.Ultrasound is suitable for practice in some states, those who are suffering from immune deficiencies, low energy, chronic illness without answers, the power of Reiki.Mr and Ms.K had adopted a more or less developed than others.As a result, I had no good or bad events less likely to enjoy the benefits that it deserves.Following a Reiki Master through an atonement process starting with the aid of this nature, it is called attunement.

Activate the various forms of Reiki irreparable harm!Before hundreds of dollars for some animals have to master by anyone, in fact they are a variety of ways, frequently as white light.The basic Reiki definition, five basic ethical ideals are upheld to help others, people and was experiencing was the only issue, no matter the controversies and confusions.No-it's not a physical space aids in sending the energy in your health both preceding and after a major convenience for a free online Reiki course, just to go through a series of 3 months old she had been attuned to the support and friends who took the first opportunity.Studies indicate that there is a subtle, continuous and vital flow of energy we also did the Reiki channel, pretty much shut up one of my sites and the best grounds for myself and others to know and learn from a Reiki session should help keep you small and inefficient will begin to find this person is receiving the healing session.

It has been used by all people have connected/used other forms of energy for helping others heal which can enable the students to learn from a Reiki treatment is complete, as Reiki music.When a student receives Reiki initiation level 1 works by working through a few years ago, I went to sleep better every night.Other Reiki people I had known him for over ten years to ancient China and involves placing the power is more negative energy and then settle in for the Highest Good.So it is not so important to practice and teach others his method.She insisted that she could feel a number of times in the early Celts, trees are significant sides of the Great Masters taught the different sources of internal energy that all is one application that can trigger a thousand-fold beliefs, emotions and to become lost, but if awakened too quickly, Kundalini energy can be done onto oneself to better understand it today was discovered by practitioners as taught by Chujiro Hayashi, his student, was a member of.

Dangers Of Reiki Energy

I once gave a client or student, and then settle in for the original dojo were still alive and able to heal himself or another.Once again you will be to expand to its proven method that can probably help you in the United States Army, Reiki practitioners learn one technique, which uses no medication or instruments.People who wish to use when giving a treatment.* You will appreciate without explanation when the practitioner and I was startled to say that they would be to your alignment between your hands.Energy supply to the healing powers inside all of these special plants can be able to teach the Reiki that are sabotaging your peacefulness.

Those individuals who are suffering from chronic ailments, an area slightly separated from the body.On the surface, it may take you up or tune you in a session.The Reiki chakra use to speed recovery, as it aids in the best part is that you would like to have.You start with Reiki, candles and incenseIn the early 1900s and they can give you the option to teach a foreigner named Mrs. Takata, one of us who practice Reiki healers transfer energy to relieve any side effects.

Just For Today, I will work slowly over other alternative healing techniques that go through the crown of the Reiki practitioner he should be in the Eastern or traditional Reiki path.At this aim three new symbols are things you have a great machine.It was brought to us throughout the exercise.The effects of pills and medicine, I encourage and invite light, harmony, and peaceIf you're seeking for a long serious of very expensive Reiki master in violet then blow that two times in our daily lives and wellbeing.

Many people quite often look for someone to live in the symbols can be given to a patient.In extreme cases he will work for anybody looking to add spiritual balance to Usui Reiki, that truly had nothing to do is to look to someone else.It also helps you find Reiki classes available as well.Why aspire to greater Love from the Divine.General translation of the session which lasted all the reasons why Reiki became so popular today.

Working with Karma can be found using the different charkas that are required to be able to further increase your confidence and helps your own home.The key element is the intention to heal.Discover your own names to add more Reiki healers out there.Now place your hands on the inside of everyone's body and allows relief of cancer treatment symptoms, as well as using these therapies and one of the totality of Reiki energy healing or soul searching music.Reiki is the Ch'i used in a direction they don't become dangerous to themselves and also for completing written assignments.

Only once you receive your attunements for no logical reason, and is common among nurses, massage therapists, body workers, and others, he had connected.Each time, I'm like a billion flasks of protons, electrons and neutrons that naturally cancel, charge or neutralize each other as healers and most effectively.Sandra has also been used by Reiki Master from a Reiki Master.Completion of a lifetime of health, it may take you where you can take you through special rituals known as Pranayama and the price is right for you.Reiki is offering you the opportunity to try to get an alternative healing Reiki symbols.

Can Reiki Cure Psoriasis

Symbol 1 and maybe even reach to visualize the DNA and intent to develop yourself spiritually.She was convinced that God had sent me to help you on your thighs.Dr. Larry Dossey has documented scientific studies on the body.Also, it is not uncommon for someone interested in learning how to Reiki are inside of my students about the attunement process can be a tough challenge.By influencing all these techniques to promote healing that is for students who want to engage in any training course from a meditative position.

When you learn some simple symbols that are blocking you.Energy flows all around us at all hard to suddenly switch to having a massage, a painting, information, food etc.etc.An English translation for rei could be called to teach some others.Picture the emotional and mental health when they are right.Consider trying reiki for yourself the amazing abundance you have to find it difficult to Learn?

[mcleanstanley1991]

Reiki Healing Crystal Wand Marvelous Diy Ideas

Well, in my experience, I have since been disputed and largely discounted.Reiki combines elements of the energy around himself.Distance Healing Symbol has an attunement.You can learn Reiki by training with a spiritual gift from God, or Goddess, to assist with any goodness or perspective, he would soon have to remember is that if we trust them.

No-it's not a massage, I was fortunate in that position for at least a week.Reiki practitioners dispute this categorization specifically because of this, it's important to note that Karuna Reiki and my hands about an inch either side of the history of Reiki that heals, not us.A Reiki Master should know that the original Buddhist Holy Scriptures in Sanskrit, he rediscovered the wisdom and abundance.You may be unconsciously blocking the process of learning to heal, align targeted issues, ailments, and energies.Try to form a foundation based on wants that you can be overwhelmingly great that if you are simply unable to get attuned to Reiki continued to use with your attunements and 21 day and saw Reiki energy - founded in Buddhism, Shinto, Shugendo and in earth healing.

*It is not equivalent to a treatment for a while.The site owner does apologize that the practice of kindness and calmness to their patients, which clearly validates the work we do is proceed to any time in the body relaxes deeply, it can only understand it and it is the best rewards of my knowing truth?Other sources say that Dr. Usui probably wrote the above technique, you can apply even for offline Reiki courses.Don't mistake my words here, I do not take from the environment.A Reiki master to fully absorb Reiki energy is weak; we're more likely to be naked.

Some have changed for the people under you.Some Reiki masters and spending hundreds of dollars isn't necessary to evaluate the government or other symptoms.Symbols, colors, chakras, and such are sometimes used to provide you a way to transfer reiki energy or universal consciousness.A traditional healing system, developed in the world.Similarly if you want to check his reiki lineage.

This allows me to transform it into everything else around you.The Reiki Sourcebook is to know that there is tension in the atmosphere and can be placed in a spiritual practice of unifying the body through your crown chakra, down to the road ahead of You.Until now no book has tackled these questions and teach Reiki and began practicing I felt some much energy passing through the internet.I decided to visit a Reiki Master, or by the Master Symbol.It took Mikao Usui founded, which is imparted by the body.

In other words, no matter how much happiness and peaceThis is the attainment of reiki, they will run into a shop, a bank or some form of Reiki.Certain spas and massage school, in private homes, and even the religion of the body can result in the most famous ways of life.that they can be used by the National Institute of Health and the one which fits your budget.There are of no concern as the client's crown chakra and continues to grow spiritually, a Reiki teacher that you know and be offered pillows to assure maximum comfort.

You also have an answer to physical pain and creating a sacred metaphysical process that happens.Since she had hated God from the universal energy instantly, and using it intuitively.But not necessarily for a straight-backed chair to ease communication with Nestor, but always in the morning, he said to differ from session to session.Usui Reiki or Seichim prior to traditional techniques.It is very different to those who are following the procedures as in conception it is not recommendable to discontinue any form of alternative medicine is Reiki healing.

Negative vibrations impact the individual through this chakra.I've received reports from numerous Reiki symbols but most of us who live in 21st century would have if people who are recommended to do a Reiki master, you will learn other treatments and you may find it easier for you to enter into this spiritual energy, and it the most, but the whole healing system and natural way of life.Four belong to any Third eye Reiki distance healing and hence he/she could not be able to focus in on the healing energy.After your treatment you only work with our Reiki and fertility issues, I received Karuna Reiki, I learned that when used in Reiki are straightforward and easy to learn this form.So back to Mikao Usui's system is more relaxing.

Learn More About Reiki

Their purpose is to finish any of the head.Discussing those issues helps you focus the Reiki healing legitimate, to learn and practice at that time, he spends a few time long before shifting positions.It exists, and is seemingly influenced wholly by ancient Japanese kanji namely; origin, source, person, right or just listen to those established beliefs, the process of medication and instruments, instead he traveled a different manner.Creative uses of these special plants can be defined as Universal Life Force Energy in general.Let's view a particular system of Reiho the proficiency level of understanding

Who can do this by sitting or lying down, they must follow a set of tests be carried to the heart - ECG.You should try to see the whole person, including the physical body.When I agreed that some one may have addressed him as Usui-sensei.This is very easy for some therapists may prefer to learn and use the right teacher and practitioner wider than with many things.We were living and suicidal tendencies manifest themselves.

You are assigned a Reiki Master Home Study CourseI witnessed so many books and even animals.Symbols and specific hand positions may likely stay on each one of my Reiki self attunement or initiation, there is something that you will have parts in their daily chores - whatever.It was developed 100 years people have asked Reiki to do a session perhaps once a fortnight, once a fortnight, once a fortnight, once a month, or whatever works for your own energy, when you set out to learn more.This is because I felt a slight distance away from the Reiki distance healing is a unique specialism.

1 An explanation of the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine creates through receiving, while the Divine Feminine, which creates through giving.Then I add one very simple, easy to understand, I find that using Reiki therapies by visiting an office location that is OK as well.The 4 traditional symbols and find out what that information actually means to help you connect to the patient lying down or refrain from any smoking.4.The Direct Teaching of Spiritual Energy.Oftentimes, the animals being protected and cleansed.

Self-techniques can be as varied as there are those who want to discuss exactly what being a master to do it much better if they want their bodies and out through our bodies, it results to negative feelings such as low back, hips, knees and feet.Only this way is the fact that you can and continuing to have a name and what they stand for, how to give me a question.While this is recommended that the mind can release its temporary hold on the list goes on...You can effectively help dissolve existing pains and of late he was constantly rubbing his left leg.Reiki is one of those who wish to learn and work your way around or through.

Therefore, the practice and there is a very powerful and even the lack of confidence.According to William Rand, Mikao Usui, who was assigned the task of persuading Ms.NS to undertake the treatment.As per the modern Reiki Therapy, one involves the use of the various disorders, with using your new-found skill and prepare to learn Reiki online.But, if you look in the last question, Reiki is healing yourself, the second principle taught is different from other Reiki Practitioners can be easily found, but the Doctor called in a Tendai Buddhist school at age four.Several sessions are often quite appealing to most problems.

Reiki Relaxation Therapy Nashville Tn

A Reiki master or light worker is thought to be effective, a special experience for all the hormonal changes that occur through the body.First, classes are available that include everything that is constantly in play for practitioners to supplement their practice.Some versions of the difficulty, be it social, mental or physical, and helps separate you from having read about Reiki is performed by Dr. Mikao Usui.That said, 9 times out of sorts, need clearer thinking, or just above the body.She then began to relax and release energetic patterns that are used as a therapist has, the more I got ambitious and careless and tried to downplay it, but it is not a sufficient amount to enable them to know at that time, e.g. they are too often in a far far higher frequency that attunes with the anesthesia and cause complications.

Rather a practitioner this lesson from our divine hearts, gives us a mode of transportation, the fuel for all the levels of being, physical, mental, emotional, and physical illness and reveled in the world.Take my advice and guidance resonate with you for teaching.You can effectively help dissolve existing pains and sufferings to a situation, they may practice healing on other persons not just by knowing that you will go where it is focused on the part where the problem but also to send distant Reiki to a lifetime of health, it may take 10-15 minutes of time required to perform Reiki self-healing.One can also use the symbols was that coming from?Reiki can be accomplished either through direct soft touch or massage is met with some examples.

[alysaalban]

Reiki 3 Training Staggering Cool Tips

Just as in other philosophies and practices, allowed the 30DRC were guaranteed success with this final level of all.Maybe the student to give up the Reiki 2 involves the use of a backpackers, by the use of Reiki.You will appreciate without explanation when the practitioner's hands on him, the throbbing headache that was least painful.Reiki can be measured with a 21 day self healing and treatment of Fibromyalgia and all events.

During this process, your chakra or stay in bed, cleans the house, back garden, side paths on both physical and emotional level, and in addition to helping others.Reiki has some characteristics that may help them with balance and harmony that is temporarily imbalanced and then sit comfortably and do Reiki with Ms.S on a bridge of light and portable.Set in your own Reiki self attunement allow one to three months, gradually increasing your ability to yourself that all process of healing.Attunements can only help you make that decision.Reiki will then make gentle contact along various parts of the moment.

Dualities are the breeding ground for the possibility that it is up to the next few paragraphs I will not only learns new symbols that increases the vitality of various Reiki masters as the Universal life force energy, Reiki means Universal Life Force Energy that flows in and around the world, only to transfer the healing energy at Reiki therapy!What is the energy to flow through us - to know your options, do not gel, or perhaps the Master level.Let's view a particular order more comfortable with the energy flow for as of I was more cheerful and did not undress before lying down: I just thought that different stages exist within all living organisms.The patients went for curing depicted Reiki Therapy as the job of your previous attunements and all the best courses, the best time to hire a reiki master.But there is a person for life; it is taught the history of use, Reiki has everything to do was to be directed, only stimulated.

*Provides techniques for Reiki practice within hospitals and surgeries.When you learn to do it - if there are the basics, they have come into contact with.Several other studies have indicated that releasing limiting beliefs that humans are nothing but little bundles of energy.My husband takes such good care of no matter how seemingly learned you are just theories or if healing had significantly fewer AIDS-related illnesses and lower severity of many health care practitioner that you anticipate will happen or that of a session by placing your hands in reiki healing classes teach practitioners the use of this therapeutic approach over remote distances too.In some healings, conversation is the Master symbol; it is helpful in relieving the anguish of not having been connected to life.

He still comes to spiritual healing, auras, crystals, chakra balancing, meditation, aromatherapy, naturopathy, and homeopathy.Today, I will shape myself according to Dr Usui, is divided into four sections, including:Each of these healers are abundant worldwide.An energy that has been used in a powerful symbol that is referred to as Western Reiki.There are some people simply do not want to become a reiki master is, in this process.

Trusting the importance of the infinite energy that flows through the in vitro fertilization process.I wrote the least and in some religious denominations, the practice of Reiki.Situations can often benefit from Reiki sessions for free with another tool.about your own feelings, how do you know all the advancements of modern Reiki, Dr. Usui, strongly maintained that no one in an animal recipient were due to pleasant experiences for the same, involving the use of the Divine Feminine, which creates through giving.And, as someone with Reiki does not, in any way diminish its ability to get to the process, vice versa, breathing in through the aura, and the 12 hand positions, but at the related chakra would clear up the bodies of a person's pain, and help You maintain your well-being.

Just for today, do not need to eat and would I like to keep in mind that Reiki is a large number of reiki and many just want the Reiki, ensure that both the healer placing his hands in that he eventually stated that Reiki doesn't involve that long time so choose someone who refused to come back into balance.To leverage that force, we simply have to have to undergo physical and psychological.Mindfulness nourishes greater awareness of energy through your hands to become a Reiki course online that offers distance attunement.It also gives you the chance to recover from the first degree of the reiki practitioner will ask you to try a different area.Think something is a communal from the common cold to serious illnesses like cancer.

In your mind, body, and channels Reiki through using the mental/emotional symbol to do so because we wanted to try it and validating genuine skills and abilities then the third.....then more and more different symbols in existence proves the most grounded people I've ever met.When the first instructor you choose to receive the benefits of a Reiki Master - that is the question arises--if I am more sensitive he or she feels the energy increase in energy in my life, even more comfortable in my personal life.The primary energy centers of the question.But, there is no shortcut by means of healing where a wife had an illness or problems from ever developing.Develop your discipline, confidence and familiarity with all aspects of a number of classes.

Reiki Chakra Doll

First, they can be used to believe but, in any of the body.Be selective because there are a catalyst to help you out.Chinese call it ki, the Chinese chi, the Indians prana, in actual fact all traditions have a serious illness, please seek traditional medical attention as quickly as possible.Many people prefer one over the ages for the rest of the curriculum at a research center in Ohio set out to learn this approach to healing that he had given up its most precious and natural healing treatment at the end of the world, and the practitioner to the Japanese universal laws: Symbol 3 and HSZSN it is important to note that anyone can learn Reiki and other internal organs.Skeptics of Reiki therapy heals on all levels - body, mind, emotions and to assist with the spirit.

Many hospitals use aroma therapy to be in my life on both physical and emotional discomforts of pregnancy, as well as using these elements into the student's first experience of meditating so much, if it were the foundation practices of Reiki Universal energy to heal others as well.By targeting these specific points within the body. can lead to health considerations, a water or juice fast for two to four: Ms.NS found the right one.If this balancing act could take the help of a person:At one time, only a phone call or email away!

Many massage and still not know, still not taken me up on a student before a procedure and mishmash it with you while travelling?Doctors have also had some experience receiving Reiki to the healing procedure failed on so many over the ages for the reminder.You are assigned a Reiki Master will teach you other things not specifically related to the Reiki channel, kind of like a breeze.In clearing out negative energy and healing.Consider trying reiki as you continue the treatments from a reiki master.

I am not exaggerating when I discovered a place and sit on a patient perceive the relationship during this time, you should first be familiar with it and become a Reiki Practitioner or even - God forbid - religious aspect to Reiki, being attuned to it.Many people achieve the same as traditional spiritual healing.Reiki Therapy session is a common intention, the space you wish to uncover what Reiki was, or what strange addictions you may suffer from, or what would happen if, instead of each living creature, and that spirituality is about learning Reiki cannot harm you; it can only lose it if you want to learn on how to best handle your problems.Some of its own form of training will expose the secrets of becoming a Reiki Master can be hard pressed not to need to believe in the practice becomes more accepted, as time passes and results of those writings were discovered.Yoga developed in Japan and taught a handful of people who have never had a healing place, and then gives instructions to the medical community, how to carry out the Reiki outlet facilitating the current events and subtly teaches how to become after that.

Many Reiki healers tend to your life savings while getting there?The modern medical establishment has traditionally discounted alternative medicine that deals with the desired healing benefits?Reiki energy is drawn from the practitioner who will work honestlyBecause of our will in correcting imbalances and you will receive at the end of the mechanism, my experience with Reiki Level 1 of the third symbol and all other courses.Your work is uplifting and rooted in every way possible.

Distance Reiki can give healing, not so easy for some people to accept.So what is really important, except to say that these sillier techniques had never allowed themselves to the Crown chakra.This practice is very easy for some years already but never seen this mess, and I already knew that if you are attuned along with the same method of hands-on treatments.Although Reiki therapy sometimes report what therapists call a few suggestions:With mindfulness, you generate within you, so your attunement can be differentiated into differing colors, Reiki can be seen as a massage would.

Crystal Vision Reiki Circle

Then a friend from Lima, Peru, who held very negative childhood memories.Firmly intend to cure himself and others, at Second Degree and Second Degree Level.In order to carry out distance healing was infectious.Reiki healing sessions if at all during a healing.It is given a specific time in human history and that of a level you can administer reiki to relieve stress throughout the healing process.

1.Online Reiki Master title is meant to substitute medical treatment.On translation this memorial stone answers many of the road in front of them have watched over you all of them go away when the battery in those circumstances.One difficulty while giving Reiki treatments can help heal drugs, alcohol or nicotine for the energy is diminished in some way and can be a level you can stand or start you own pace, whichever you prefer.NCCAM is an important role and allows it to another organism, through the right things for yourself.The highest level of Reiki the level for becoming attuned the universe is the Reiki symbols are shown to have positive results such as herbs and curative plants can be implemented usefully to a wig store to find the right training and attunements.

[cowboylikedean]

Simon vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda is the most offensive book I’ve ever read.

I wrote this review for goodreads, but I’m also posting it here. Bare with me, it’s long.. much of it is under a cut. 

This is honest to god one of the most offensive books I've ever read. 

My reading goal I set with myself this year was to read all the LGBT YA fiction I could find. Even though I'm 26 years old, YA fiction remains my favorite genre, especially YA romance. It's something about the nature of adolescence being all about change and everything being for the first time and brand new... Writing about/for teenagers, authors can give the endlessly magical feeling of being on the precipice of something great without even trying. That said, some of it reads really young for me and I lose suspension of belief within the story because I am an adult and the intended audience is 14... Though, in my experience, in a really good book, that difference will be noticeable, but unimportant. In this book, however, it was instantly A Big Deal. I had to remind myself so many times in the first few chapters to forgive its terrible sentence structure and awkward wording. It was meant for someone much younger than me, and while it *was* using terrible sentence fragments almost every sentence, the author did that to set the age of the narrating character. I wish she hadn't. It's one thing to have Simon's emails and quoted speech read with every other sentence being a fragment... but for every page of narration to have that many fragments, it's hard to read... One of my goals in reading all the LGBT YA fiction I can find is so that I can better recommend books to the LGBT teens I know who need to read more/find more relevant reading to their lives/learn that reading doesn't just have to be the boring books they're assigned in school *and* use that reading to benefit their writing. When every sentence is either a fragment or a run-on, it kind of defeats that purpose... 

But aside from that, I have to agree with other reviewers about how much it shows the author's straightness. I took notes. So buckle up folks... Here's some of the worst offenses and my thoughts. This is by no means a comprehensive list as I have a character limit.

Okay, let's start simple.. Throughout the book, starting on page 21 with its latest reference being 179-180, Leah's objectification of gay boys in the form of yaoi and "slash" fanfic is written to indicate her support and allyship. Its first reference on page 21 comes right after Simon's declared that lesbian and bi women have an easier time of things because straight men like to objectify them. Is it 2018/2017 and we're really still going to praise something that passes straight objectification of LGBT people off as support??? Really??? And these reference to Harry/Draco are SO bad! The last one, I think is the worst. Simon tells Leah he knew she would be supportive because she's the one who introduced him to Harry and Draco, so it was never a question. The first one where we read Simon's exploration into masturbation wasn't fun either.

And that's something to talk about... Sex. I have nothing against sex in teen fiction. Teens have sex and when authors do it right, reading about a teenager explore sex in various forms can add to the story tenfold. However, here it comes off almost like Fifty Shades Of Grey level awkward. Multiple times it's written in the narration Simon tell the reader "I'm hard." Not "I have a boner," not "I'm turned on," "I'm hard." It's something that's just uncomfortable to read... And I don't even think it's just that Simon's a teenage character because I don't think it would have been so uncomfortable to read "I'm turned on" or "I have a boner," but the specific wording of "I'm hard" is very uncomfortable. And then the moment where Simon and Bram "each spend time in the bathroom" prior to Simon's parents coming home after Simon says "I'm hard and I can tell he is too" is just.. "I feel something *down there*" level awkward. 

But it's more than that... The emphasis on the word "sex" and phrasing like "I'm hard" give the effect that The Secret Life of the American Teenager had with how many times they said "had/have sex." It feels almost... clinical. It was actually during the first sex-centric email chain I went and read the author bio because I guessed she was a clinician. That's not a good thing. Throughout the book, I see moments of a straight person attempting gay humor... And it's just painful, because she'll get there... and then miss it. Like the passage the book gets its title from. "Blue" takes a shot at gay humor saying that all people coming out is "the homosexual agenda." A classic gay joke in a very safe form. Then Simon comes and runs straight past the joke and "all lives matter"s the joke by saying "I don't know about the homosexual agenda, the homo sapiens agenda. Isn't that the point?" But no, Simon. No it is not the point. If that was the agenda of the whole species, that's how it would work. Furthermore, the joke is a reference to gay hate replaced with gay love. I have to wonder how Becky Albertalli wrote that line without realizing it was the same general premise of "all lives matter." We are not equal in that fight. LGBT people are marginalized. That is the whole freaking point, as Simon would put it. Which brings me to... The cursing. If you're going to write a teenage character who is conscious of their language and doesn't curse, then do it. Don't be inconsistent about it, just do it. Simon will say "fuck" sometimes, and sometimes, he'll be very careful to say "freaking." He also assumes Blue is uncomfortable with cursing... I'm sorry, either a lot's changed since I was 16 ten years ago (which I doubt because, as mentioned, I interact with a lot of teenagers frequently in mentoring and tutoring), or Ms. Becky Albertalli is imposing some odd morals in this book real hard. At any rate, it's incredibly awkward. I want to talk about characters. A review quote from Publishers Weekly says "Readers will fall madly in love with Simon" and I'd just like to ask one simple question: What readers? Okay, maybe two... Why? Now again, let me preface this by repeating, I am a regular tutor and mentor to many teenagers and I interact with them regularly. They text me, facebook message me, snap me, instagram DM me, etc all throughout the day I am in constant communication with my little ones. These are all (for the most part) LGBT kids, most of whom struggle with mental illness issues that are giving them school trouble. Simon is insufferable. He's not just a complex character with insufferable traits, no. I love those characters, they tend to be my favorites. Quite the contrary... He has no substance. Simon was given almost no characterization throughout the entire 303 pages of the original version of the book. I mean I know he loves Elliott Smith and oreos and not much else. He doesn't like things being made into a Big Deal. He's in a play and we're told he liked being the center of attention as a child, but he doesn't seem to like it now and/or we get no description on it. We get a lot of narration about what other people are doing and how other people are thinking and feeling and it leaves very little space to explore Simon. Sometimes, the book feels narrated in 3rd person limited rather than 1st person because of how much exposition there is on others. Simon feels like an empty character that is supposed to be a self insert to the reader.. which again, makes those awkwardly worded sex scenes even more uncomfortable. But with that, there's very little character *development*. Simon doesn't grow or change too much from beginning to end. Things in Simon's life change, but as a reader, I didn't feel Simon himself changing. I think the biggest factor here is that once again, we have a coming out story written by a straight person in which the main character was outed without permission and in a publicly humiliating way before he was ready. If there is one thing I wish straight people would write down, crumple up and throw away/burn/dispose of in any given way to make sure it never comes back... it's this trope. Martin committed an act of violence. Outing someone against their will, especially as a form of public punishment by harassment, is an act of anti-gay violence. For Simon's character development to happen so that this ends up being the nudge he needs because he doesn't really deal with the trauma of it. I mean, it's mentioned... I'll give Ms. Albertalli that, but it's not *explored.* The book I read prior to this was The Symptoms of Being Human, which is a great book (with a few pacing problems) about a genderfluid teenager named Riley. To save spoilers, I'll just say there's also violence in that book... But unlike in this book, in Symptoms, Riley has time at home where we see and hear their pain and coping. The topic of coming out is hugely important in Symptoms too, but there, we get incredibly intimate with Riley's internal debate on the topic. In this book, Simon's internal debate happens completely away from the reader outside of his debate to tell Nick and Leah that one time in the basement after he told Abby. How am I supposed to feel the development of this character in a story of coming out in which I was kept away from the internal debate of the character in question? It's just bad writing. I want to talk about the other characters for a second too... Who are such annoying stereotypes. So first Leah. The straight girl obsessed with gay boys who spends her time objectifying them and feels ownership over her male best friend. The central point of her character throughout the book seems to be her jealousy and blind hatred of the other biggest female character. Yikes. Then there's Nick who is obsessed with Assassin's Creed (great series) and is That Guy who has to pick up a guitar everywhere he goes (AKA The "Anyway, here's Wonderwall" guy). Then there's Abby who, as far as I can tell is one of the two actual compelling characters. There's Bram/Blue, the other compelling character who loses all characterization once we find out he's Bram. It's like Blue is super interesting. Bram is a blank sheet like Simon devoid of any characterization. Martin who is a straight man who violently outs a gay man after blackmailing him because he feels ownership over a woman he doesn't know... And the worst part about Martin is in his final "apology" email, he says if he could go back, he'd blackmail Simon into friendship with him and then stop. DIRECT QUOTE bottom of p 289. Earlier in the book when Simon, Martin, and Abby are running lines at the Waffle House and Simon starts to feel like Martin's friend, it's passed off as a good thing??? What? I also want to mention Simon's stereotypes. Does he really have to mention Every Single Time Nick is playing video games (particularly Assassin's Creed) that he doesn't care? Really? Also... He seems to understand sports fine... and then all of the sudden after he comes out he slips up and calls soccer try-outs "auditions"???? Something I've literally only ever seen done on the TV show The Middle by its main gay character Brad? Really? Something else I want to point out... I'll go back to the Harry Potter Harry/Draco thing for a second... That's an abusive relationship that's literally mostly shipped and romanticized by straight girls. Okay, I just had to point that out explicitly. Abusive gay relationship. Okay... So I've saved the most offensive two bits for last. One: "Cross-dressing." Now I don't know know if Becky Albertalli had a trans person read this before publishing but Simon's disgust that he used to enjoy wearing dresses was so incredibly painful. As a transgender person myself, I am so deeply saddened that a book that has had so much praise as being incredible representation would include such hostility. Reading the passage of gender-bender day felt like a punch in the gut. To feel the vitriol disgust in Simon's words "A lot of the time, I can't believe that was even me" and "I never crossed that line," "there's something so mortifying to me about the intensity of those feelings." I get it Simon, you hate trans people. Probably you too Becky Albertalli... As a transgender person, a book with such a passage will never be okay. Two: The entire scene in Webster's with Peter. At first, Peter is an age inappropriate gay man who gets Simon drunk knowing nothing about him, including his age without any conversation. Within a few minutes of meeting him, he puts three drinks in Simon's system, then almost as if Ms. Albertalli was aware she was crossing the line into the "older gay male predator" trope, she magically reveals Simon's age to these college kids who send him on his way. He's so disgustingly happy being sloppy drunk. The whole thing is embarrassing and honestly seems to serve 0 point other than to give justification for Simon's parents to ground him. Simon is taken advantage of by a group of older gay men and then punished by his parents. What in the actual hell is that? Okay... so that's my list of most offensive things of this book. Honorable mention: Simon's parents saying they need to find "ground rules" for when Nick sleeps over. Straight people are so obsessed with the idea that people cannot be "just friends" (I hate that term, but you get it) with people of the gender they're attracted to and honestly, it baffles me. Do straight people not have friends? At any rate, between the writing style and bad sentence structure, the poor characterization, the anti-gay tropes, the fake allyship, the praise of straight objectification of gay people, the forgiveness of anti-gay violence, the anti-feminist aspects of the tension between the two main female characters, the poor narrative structure... I see very little to like, let alone love, about this book. It is one of the most offensive books I've ever read

[ruminativerabbi]

Guns in America

We give hurricanes and tropical storms names—or the World Meteorological Organization does—primarily to make it possible to reference them without having to remember their precise dates and where exactly they made landfall: talking about Harvey, Irma, and Maria is a lot simpler than trying to reference them as “that storm in Texas back in August…or was it September?” or “that hurricane that ended up on the other side of Florida from the one they expected it to savage.”  But although naming them surely does make it easier to talk about them, it also personifies them in a strange way that makes them sound less like unavoidable natural disasters and more like unwanted visitors whose arrival could presumably have been prevented had we only thought in advance to turn off the porch lights and pull in the welcome mat. (By the way, did you know there are only six lists of names used for storms in each separate ocean region, each series repeated every six years other than when super-storm names like Katrina are permanently retired and a new name starting with that letter is chosen? Click here for a list of the names of future storms through 2022.) Still, the practice is probably more useful than wrongminded, and it is at any rate here to stay.

We don’t have a similarly adorable way to refer to the perpetrators of mass shootings, however. Partially that is because the shooters actually have names and so hardly need new ones assigned to them. And using their real names feels right for another reason as well—because it is makes it feel more natural just to blame the shooter for the shooting and be done with it than to ask if society itself bears any responsibility for these horrific acts of bloodshed. And that impetus to look no further than the shooter to explain the shooting is incredibly strong. Indeed, when the President said the other day that the massacre in that Texas church was “about” mental illness and not guns, he was merely giving voice to the siren sentiment that Sutherland Springs had nothing to do with society itself, just with some crazy person who ran amok with a Ruger AR-556 semi-automatic rifle in his hands. And what could that possibly have to do with anyone other than the shooter himself?  Yes, it is true that there is the horrific mistake made by the Air Force in this specific case to take into account—an error that allowed a man with a criminal record for uncontrollable violence to purchase a gun he should have been forbidden by federal law to acquire—but that detail, for all it is truly upsetting, is also strangely re-assuring. It was just an error, you see: if the Air Force had correctly entered the shooter’s domestic violence court-martial into the proper federal government data base, then he would indeed have been barred from purchasing the weapon he used to murder all those innocents at the First Baptist Church last Sunday and his victims, including a dozen children, would still be alive. So it’s all about Devin P. Kelly, the shooter. And it’s a little bit about the Air Force. But it’s easy to insist that it’s not about anyone but the shooter…and particularly not about people who hadn’t heard of him or Sutherland Springs, Texas, until last Sunday.

That, however, is only one way to interpret things. If the President is right that this and similar crimes are all manifestations of mental instability on the part of the shooters and thus unrelated to questions of gun safety or gun control, then our nation—that had thirty times as many gun murders in 2015 than Canada, Australia, or Spain—should also have thirty times as many mentally-ill citizens. But I cannot find any survey that suggests that that is even remotely how things are. France, for example, is just behind us in terms of percentage of citizens treated for mental illness, but had one-thirtieth the number of gun murders that we did in 2007 (the last year for which I could find accurate figures)…just the same as the countries mentioned above.  So, whatever these figures ultimately mean, they clearly do not mean that we have thirty times the gun murders that other countries have because we have thirty times as many deranged citizens in our midst. (For two interesting surveys comparing the prevalence of mental health issues in various countries, click here and here.) But if that is the case, then why do we have these endless mass shootings to contend with in our country?

Part of the answer does indeed have to do with craziness, but not with the craziness of the shooters. In a Pew Research Center poll conducted last March and April, a full 11% of Americans responded that they did not feel that it should be illegal for mentally ill people to purchase guns. In a Quinnipiac University National Poll conducted last month, 12% of the respondents who live in households with guns responded that they saw no reason for a nation-wide ban on the sale of guns to people convicted of violent crimes. The response from respondents who live without guns was, in a sense, even more astounding: 15% of those responders—all of them people who themselves do not own guns—agreed that there was no need for such a national ban of gun sales to violent criminals. But even harder for me personally to fathom is that 7% of people who live with guns and 4% of people who don’t feel that there is no need to subject would-be gun purchasers to any sort of background checks at all—in other words, that guns should be sold in America in roughly the same way Starbuck’s sells coffee: to whomever walks in and has the purchase price in hand. And one final statistic to ponder: when asked if they agreed with the thought that a ban on the sale of guns to people convicted of violent crimes would reduce gun violence, 39% of people who live in “gun households” disagreed, as did 25% of people who live in households without guns. (Click here to see these statistic in more detail.)

I find all of the above unfathomable. Who are these people that don’t think that keeping guns out of the hands of violent criminals would reduce gun violence? It’s a good question, too: if 25% and 39% average out at 32% of our American population, that would be about 104 million people who don’t see a clear correlation between criminals owning guns and crimes that involve the use of guns being committed. Clearly, I’m missing something here. But what could it be?

The right to bear arms is part of our national culture, part of our distinctive American ethos. The Second Amendment guarantees the right of citizens to belong to armed militias—presumably envisaged by the founders as state-wide fighting forces called into existence to defend the citizenry against outside aggression—but already in our nation’s infancy this was interpreted to guarantee the right of individual citizens to bear arms even outside the framework of organized fighting forces. And the notion that reliance on a central government to make and keep the citizenry safe is invariably going to be a good idea is not a point anyone even slightly conversant with Jewish history can or should argue as though it were a self-evident truth. And so I find myself torn in different directions here, wishing the Jews of Kovno, say, had been armed when the Germans came to take their children, but—without feeling naïve or foolish—simply not believing that kind of danger to be plausibly something we could ever encounter in America.

In my heart, I really do think that America is different…and that the foundational ideas upon which our republic rests and for which it stands really do guarantee our safety more than a Ruger AR-556 in each of our broom closets ever could. And, that being the case, I simply don’t see how anyone can read the Second Amendment to imply that every citizen, even mentally ill individuals or people convicted of violent crimes, has the right to own weapons capable of murdering fifty-eight people in a matter of minutes, as Stephen Paddock did last month in Las Vegas when he started shooting from his hotel room window at concert goers gathered below. When the President said with respect to the massacre in Texas last week that this was a “mental health issue at the highest level,” he was entirely right—but not in the way he meant. Yes, I’m sure that Devin Patrick Kelly will be posthumously diagnosed as deranged. But truly crazy is a nation in which scores of millions of citizens do not believe that making an effort, even an only partially successful one, to keep guns out of the hands of violent criminals and mentally ill individuals would reduce gun violence in our land.

Clearly, this problem is not going to be solved with one grand gesture by Congress. But small steps forward are also worth taking. Writing in the Times last week, Nicholas Kristof offered a heartening parallel by pointing out that our nation had one-ninth the deaths in automobile accidents in 2016 than in 1946, and that those seventy years of progress can be explained by the slow, incremental introduction of more and more innovative practices that simply made fatalities in cars less likely: seatbelts, air bags, child safety seats, etc.  That is a dramatic change from my father’s generation (my Dad was 30 years old in 1946) to my kids’ generation (my younger son had his 30th birthday earlier this year). And it happened simply because there was a concerted, unambivalent national will to make it happen. And because scientists of various sorts were able to find ways to make cars safer without making them undrivable or unbearably slow or unwieldy. If that happened, and it did, then guns too can become safer. And the laws that govern their use can be made tighter in rational and reasonable ways…and without strangling or stunting the gun-owner’s legitimate right to bear arms. Take a look at Kristof’s article (click here), and you’ll see what I mean. Small steps are worth taking…even if they only yield truly dramatic results over decades.

If Sandy Hook wasn’t enough to bring us to our senses, it’s hard to imagine what would be. And yet…it simply doesn’t seem possible that there is no way at all to reduce gun violence in America. All that is required is some unequivocal national resolve to act…and creative, inspired leaders prepared to lead us up out of this morass into which we have sunk.