#Sometimes I just want to read a sweet queer love story with people older than 20 god damn it

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

Queer Book Recommendations!!

I haven't really read a book book in years. Due to money problems and a lack of free time, audiobooks and AO3 were a MUCH cheaper option for me. But now that I'm struggling to fully read text posts on Tumblr I realize my attention span is shot. Reading novels is helping me tune out and focus in again. So I'm turning to queer novels written by my 'queer elders'.

For anyone who is struggling to get back into long form content after reading Fic for years, I highly recommend the books of TJ KLUNE (summaries of what I've read under the break).

If you are a fan of the 'escaping a shitty life and being welcomed into a found family' fanworks, this is the writer for you! All his stories center on home and feeling welcomed and loved. Of middle age and finding out who you are. Of finding love for others and yourself. He makes you hunger for that type of romantic and platonic love where people just know the real you. His stories also float by so quickly, there are so many things he does that I want to emulate his writing into my work.

Someone on Tumblr described the romances as: “what if a real life disney prince fell in love with the human equivalent of a wet paper bag?” and I agree 100%. All his protagonists are just like that, and I love them all.

(Also, this man definitely had an office job he hated, and writes office work culture as a death sentence in every one of his novels and I love it).

If you have any queer novels you love, don't be afraid to leave me a recommendation! (Especially WLW that isn't 'One Last Stop')

HAVE READ: The House in the Cerulean Sea : [An amazing love fantastical found family story (with a hint of romance)! I listened to the audiobook on Audible and absolutely loved it! I can't wait for the sequel coming out next year.]

Linus Baker is a lonely case worker for a governmental organization which manages orphaned kids who are magical beings.

One day, he's given a secret assignment to assess a special orphanage on the island of Marsyas, run by a man named Arthur Parnassus, who has secrets of his own. Among the six unique children living there, one of them is Lucy, short for Lucifer, who just happens to be the Antichrist.

Despite his initial reservations, as Linus's days pass in Marsyas, in this idyllic setting among a coterie of magical children, Linus finds himself coming across a little romance, an unlikely family and possibly even a home.

Currently Reading: Under the Whispering Door. [I know this is going to be heartbreaking, but I'm loving it, only on page 50/373. Will likely post something vague about how it made me cry lol]

When a reaper comes to collect Wallace Price from his own funeral, Wallace suspects he really might be dead.

Instead of leading him directly to the afterlife, the reaper takes him to a small village. On the outskirts, off the path through the woods, tucked between mountains, is a particular tea shop, run by a man named Hugo. Hugo is the tea shop's owner to locals and the ferryman to souls who need to cross over.

But Wallace isn't ready to abandon the life he barely lived. With Hugo's help, he finally starts to learn about all the things he missed in life.

When the Manager, a curious and powerful being, arrives at the tea shop and gives Wallace one week to cross over, Wallace sets about living a lifetime in seven days.

Planning on reading: In The Lives of Puppets(The book is on my shelf).

In a strange little home built into the branches of a grove of trees, live three robots—fatherly inventor android Giovanni Lawson, a pleasantly sadistic nurse machine, and a small vacuum desperate for love and attention. Victor Lawson, a human, lives there too. They’re a family, hidden and safe.

The day Vic salvages and repairs an unfamiliar android labelled “HAP,” he learns of a shared dark past between Hap and Gio–a past spent hunting humans.

When Hap unwittingly alerts robots from Gio’s former life to their whereabouts, the family is no longer hidden and safe. Gio is captured and taken back to his old laboratory in the City of Electric Dreams. So together, the rest of Vic’s assembled family must journey across an unforgiving and otherworldly country to rescue Gio from decommission, or worse, reprogramming.

Along the way to save Gio, amid conflicted feelings of betrayal and affection for Hap, Vic must decide for himself: Can he accept love with strings attached?

[spacelessbian]

thoughts on Agatha All Along FINALE

Full spoilers ahead, 100% don't read if you haven't seen episodes 8 and 9.

I really enjoyed the finale, both episodes had a lot to offer and overall I am quite happy with how the show concluded. Things that I liked in no particular order:

The REVEALS. There is simply nothing better than a reveal that recontextualizes everything. And we didn't get just one, but two! Personally I found Agatha running a con and murdering women for centuries the more fun one, but Billy actually creating the Road was also really good and even though I've only seen the show once (unlike many people on here, no doubt), I can name many points in the story and in the dialogue where this is worked in and suddenly makes sense. Really great stuff.

Agatha and Nicky. I was dreading this part a little bit because I know Nicholas Scratch is some sort of big name in Marvel comics and I truly couldn't care less, so I'm pleased with what we got – a genuinely sweet yet tragic story of a mom and her son, destined to death even before being born. I was surprised (but in a good way) by Agatha's quiet reaction to Nicky's death because we know his death hurt her badly, but that's just how it is sometimes.

Agatha and Rio. I won't say I'd always had fate in Marvel to not mess this up, so yay! I don't think they did. This relationship is the heart of the show (and it is black and beats for the queers) and I think the writers did it justice (apart from one thing which I will get to in the next section). The kiss was intense, sexy, beautiful and also tragic and both Kathryn Hahn and Aubrey Plaza did a fantastic job with every piece of dialogue and every expression. I want them to play doomed lovers in five more projects, at least.

The coven. I already blogged about Jen but man, is it funny. Even this was Agatha all along, but she is such a menace she hasn't even realized that. I'm truly happy for Jen making it through and getting her power back. I'm glad we saw Alice's last moment and I liked how much Billy cared about her, Lilia and Sharon.

Agatha's death. I can't help myself, I need to go to that moment again. I was destroyed by that. It was so beautiful, both thematically and also visually and all. The flowers and mushrooms? The sun coming up? I kept thinking about Hozier's Work Song: When my time comes around, lay me gently in the cold dark earth. No grave can hold my body down. I'll crawl home to her. (whadup, Rio reference)

Agatha and Billy specifically in that last battle scene. She was blue you guys, she was just completely blue and in the exact same blue that Billy wears in his silly Marvel costume. And Billy just offered her his power, without questions and without wanting anything in return! And she didn't kill him! (Writing that down, the bar is on the floor for Agatha lol.)

There are other small things (like the Subaru lol), but I am ready to go to the bad section now. Two things I did not like (hidden for lenght but also because not everyone wants to read negative stuff):

Agatha's ghost. I'm gonna say it. Agatha as a ghost looks fucking terrible and her existence itself diminishes her death scene. I do understand why they did it and even why she looks like that (Agatha in the comics, as I understand it, is Wanda's mentor and also an older white haired lady, so they wanted to keep that but it didn't make sense with Wanda anymore), but I just hate it. Especially the wig.

The Marvel stuff. Yes, I realize this sounds stupid, it is a Marvel show after all. We wouldn't get a stupid gimmick like ghost Agatha joining Billy to look for his brother if this wasn't a starting point for the Wiccan. And I like Billy, I do, I also (obviously) love Agatha, who was first introduced in WandaVision (I realize the hypocrisy), but it just doesn't work for me. I would rather think about the beautiful death scene with it's poetic tragedy than about white haired Agatha floating on a washing machine, I'm sorry.

That being said, I really really liked the whole show and I am happy to say I hooked in my best friend (if you are reading this, you are contractually obliged to like the post, you know how it is) and that I actually know other people irl who watched it and enjoyed it. I'm sad it's over and even sadder that in this day and age, noone will talk about it in about two to three weeks. Anyway, it was lovely.

[femboykyo]

How Kyo and his story can be related to trans(even lgbt+) themes

From a kyo kinnie transman🏳️‍⚧️

* Please feel free to correct something or point out something I might have missed.

In this we’ll look at how the curse can be literal and metaphorical, how Kyo’s story can be tied to trans, even just queer representation, and what it means for us as kinnies or just a fandom.

~the curse(literally is a generational curse)

examples of generational curses:

-Family beliefs/traditions can put pressure on children and when they get their own family it can cause religious or family trauma

•Akito’s father kept repeating that Akito was going to be like this and do this and be loved by everyone. This put Akito on a pedestal and put a huge burden on her shoulders. This caused a strain within his family. Later on putting an even thinner strain on the extended family.

•Akito grew up believing that she was solely important, that no one else was to be a priority. Which in turn made the zodiacs feel trapped rather than loved.

-Abusive parents can lead to future abusive parents. When a parent or parents are abusive, the child or children will either grow up bitter or abusive to their future partner(s) and/or children, thinking that this is the best way.

•Akito’s mother was jealous of someone who was too small to understand everything to properly raise her. She often put her down and even try to fight/kill her when Akito got older. Akito’s mother never had motherly care so Akito grew up alone and bitter. Eventually because of that lack of care and love, she would often display bipolar/manipulative tendencies.

->The whole Sohma family was raised around a religious trauma curse that also tied into an abusive one as well. While having to deal with a literal curse they had two, three, maybe even seven tied with it as well. Taught that being the way they are was wrong, that no one would love them or their animal forms. Which brings us to the Cat and its curse.

~ We know that the Cat is the only one with two forms. The sweet little cat and its monster form that was giant and disgusting smelling, marking it as scary and dangerous. Only because the rest saw it as something awful, because the story was twisted. Kyo and those before him had to wear a bracelet to keep it hidden. Like how most trans/lgbt+ youth(even adults) hide behind a mask or “typical”’ gendered activities, clothes, personalities. Girls did this and boys would do that and all of those twisted words.

•all of us if not most of us were taught and told that being lgbt+ was wrong. That it was disgusting or against nature. If a parent(s) found out they would often even try to hide it or try to say you were to stop thinking that way or else. So we put on our own bracelets and walked on hiding and hating this side of ourselves.

->Kyo(us) wanted to fit in, to have a place to belong so bad that he(we) were willing to even take it out on someone(something) else. How come I’m the bad guy? Why did I have to be the Cat? Why does this straight person get to do this? Why can’t I be normal? But we all were. Me, you, Kyo, we were normal, they just didn’t know how to love something they didn’t understand. Now not everyone was like this. Deep down a lot of the sohma’s wanted to just be free(like how Kyo almost seemed to be in their eyes) or did just love him(like his adopted father and Tohru, even Kagura mostly). We had at least someone love us. We all had at least one Tohru, or a Kagura, or even a Kazuma.

*I can relate to Kyo so much because I also felt like an outcast. I felt like I had to hide and hate who I was so people would love and care for me. I even got mad at my own family sometimes. How come certain people would do this or that for someone but not me just because I was lgbt+? Why did that matter so much? I was still that math loving, anime watching, book reading goofball that they grew up with. I hated myself more and I even tried to reject how I felt. Then I met a Tohru. Someone who came from love and care who saw the best of me. Even when I transformed and got angry(Like Kyo when his bracelet was taken off and he changed) she/he/they chased after me and held me and stayed. She/he/they accepted all of me.

•A lot of the characters in this anime could be metaphors or examples of real life traumas and experiences. Like Rin and her eating disorder or Momiji and his sister getting separated. Even Yuki and his depression, anxiety, health complications. I think that’s why a lot of us love it and watch it over and over and over again. We can all feel for a character or two. So even if you feel like you are alone, remember that there is a Tohru out there for you. I promise😘

*Let me know if there’s something I missed/may have gotten wrong. Please let me know if any ideas related to this come into your mind.

[idreamtofmanderleyagain]

Five years ago, the women on this site who treated me like trash over loving Labyrinth and shipping Jareth/Sarah were almost always obliviously consuming Radfem propaganda, or were out and out Radfems/Terfs themselves.

They were the types of people who casually threw the word “pedophile” around against grown women who shipped an adult Sarah with Jareth, aka literally one of the most popular ships for women in fandom for 30 years.

Pretty much invariably, these women had serious sex-negative anxieties, which included a severe paranoia about any and all kink and fetish, and porn in general. I saw a lot of shocking, fear-mongering propaganda surrounding sexual expression. Pretty much invariably, their method of approach involved immediate personal shock-value attacks on anyone they perceived to be “bad.”

Today, you can look at the way some people react to other popular so-called “problematic” ships and recognize the same toxic, fear-mongering rhetoric coming from women who consider themselves regular, trans-inclusive feminists. Sometimes it even manifests in the words of very well-meaning people (including myself here), who feel the need to talk about specific issues that pertain to their own experiences of trauma and oppression.

The people who shit on Labyrinth often seem to not really be able to comprehend that the Goblin King, like the film itself, is canonically a representation of a teen girl’s psyche, a soup of fears and anxieties and desires and dreams. He’s not a literal human adult preying on a literal child, and to read the film that way seriously undermines the entire point of the film. 

When I (and people of many fandoms) say “This is fiction, calm down,” I’m not just saying it’s not real so it cant hurt you and you can’t criticize me. I’m trying to call attention to what fiction actually is - artistic representations of feelings and experiences. The Goblin King is Sarah’s fiction. Therefore, he can be anything she or any woman who identifies with her wants him to be, including her lover when she’s grown and ready for such a thing.

I once took an alarming dive into Beetlejuice fandom to see what content was there (the cartoon was a favorite when I was little). Chillingly, what you’ll find is an extremely wounded fanbase, with a sharp divide between the older women who had long been shipping BJ/Lydia because of their love for the cartoon series (and whom were previously the vast majority of the Beetlejuice fandom), and a massive amount of young people riding the wave of the musical fad who had decided that the entire old school Beetlejuice fandom was populated by literal pedophiles. 

I saw death threats. Suicide baiting. Constant, constant toxic discourse. It did not matter how the BJ/Lydia fandom dealt with any particular issues that would exist in their ship, in fact I’m certain that the people abusing them cared very little to even consider if they were trying to handle it at all. The only thing that mattered was that they were disgusting subhuman scum asking for abuse. If you have at any time reblogged recent Beetlejuice fan art or content from fans of the musical, you have more than likely been engaging positively with the content of someone participating in toxic fandom behavior.

Nobody is really sticking up for them, either, as far as I saw. It’s really hard to imagine how painful it must be to have such a large group of people explode into into your relatively private fandom space to tell you that you are evil, vile, and deserve constant abuse, and also you are no longer allowed into the fandom space to engage in it’s content. But I think there’s something very alarming indeed about this happening specifically to the BJ fandom, and I’ll explain why. 

The pop-culture characterization of Beetlejuice, which is heavily influenced by the cartoon series to be clear, has always in my mind been a vaguely ageless being who matches with the psychological maturity of whatever age Lydia is supposed to be. He’s more or less like an imaginary friend, a manifestation of Lydia’s psyche. In fact, I would argue that i think most of us who grew up with the cartoon or it’s subsequent merchandizing before the musical ever existed probably internalized the idea as BJ and Lydia as this ageless, salt-and-pepper-shaker couple beloved by the goth community, similar to Gomez and Morticia. In each version of canon he may be a creepy ghost in the literal sense, but any adult who is capable of identifying literary tropes (even just subconciously) would read cartoon!BJ as an artistic representation of a socially awkward outcast girl’s inner world. Lydia’s darker dispositions and interests, which alienate her from most others, are freely accepted and embraced by her spooky magical friend. BJ/Lydia in the cartoon were depicted as best friends, but to my memory there was always an underlying sense that they had secret feelings for each other, which I identified easily even as a small child. In fact, their dynamic and behavior perfectly reflected the psychological development of the show’s target demographic. They are best friends who get into adventures and learning experiences together, who have delicate feelings for each other but lack any true adult romantic/sexual understanding to acknowledge those feelings, let alone pursue them.

Though I haven’t seen the Musical yet, I’ve read the wiki and I would argue that it embodies this exact same concept even more so for it’s own version of the characters, in that Beetlejuice specifically exists to help Lydia process her mother’s death.

This is not a complicated thing to recognize and comprehend whatsoever. In fact, it looks downright blatant. It’s also a clear indicator of what BJ/Lydia means to the women who have long loved it. It was a story about a spooky wierd girl being loved and accepted and understood for who she was, and it gave them a sense of solidarity. It makes perfect sense why those women would stick with those characters, and create a safe little space for themselves to and imagine their beloved characters growing and having adult lives and experiencing adult drama, in just the same ways that the women of the Labyrinth fandom do. That’s all these women were doing. And now, they can’t do it without facing intense verbal violence. That safe space is poisoned now.

Having grown up with the cartoon as one of my favorites and been around goth subculture stuff for decades, I was actually shocked and squicked at the original Beetlejuice film’s narrative once I actually saw it, because it was extremely divorced from what these two characters had evolved into for goth subculture and what they meant to me. It’s not telling the same story, and is in fact about the Maitland's specifically. In pretty much exactly the same way two different versions of Little Red Riding Hood can be extremely different from each other, the film is a different animal. While I imagine that the film version has been at the heart of a lot of this confused fear-mongering around all other versions of the characters, I would no more judge different adaptations of these characters any more than I would condemn a version of Little Red in which Red and the Wolf are best friends or lovers just because the very first iteration of LRRH was about protecting yourself from predators.

I would even argue that the people who have engaged in Anti-shipper behavior over BJ/Lydia are in intense denial over the fact that BJ being interested in Lydia, either as blatant predatory behavior a la the film or on a peer level as in the cartoon (and musical?) is an inextricable part of canon. Beetlejuice was always attracted to Lydia, and it was not always cute or amusing. Beetlejuice was not always a beloved buddy character, an in fact was originally written as a gross scumbag. That’s just what he was. Even people engaging with him now by writing OC girlfriends for him (as stand-ins for the salt-and-pepper-shaker space Lydia used to take up, because obviously that was part of the core fun of the characters), or just loving him as a character, are erasing parts of his character’s history in order to do so. They are actively refusing to be held responsible for being fans of new version of him despite the fact that he engaged in overt predatory behavior in the original film. In fact, I would venture to say that they are actively erasing the fact that Musical Beetliejuice tried to marry a teenager and as far as I’m aware, seemed to like the idea (because he’s probably a fucking figment of her imagination but go off I guess). The only reason they can have a version of this character who could be perceived as “buddy” material is because...the cartoon had an impact on our pop cultural perception of what the character and his dynamic with Lydia is. 

We can have a version of the Big Bad Wolf who’s a creepy monster. We can have a version who’s sweet and lovable. We can have a version that lives in the middle. We can have a version who’s a hybrid between Red and the Wolf (a la Ruby in OUAT). All of these things can exist in the same world, and can even be loved for different reasons by the same people.

I’ve been using Beetlejuice as an example here because it’s kind of perfect for my overall point regarding the toxic ideologies in fandom right now across many different spaces, including ones for progressive and queer media, and how much so many people don’t recognize how deeply they’ve been radicalized into literalist and sex-negative radfem rhetoric, to the point where we aren’t allowed to have difficult, messy explorations of imperfect, flawed humans, and that art is never going to be 100% pure and without flaw in it’s ability to convey what it wants to convey.

This includes the rhetoric I’ve seen across the board, from She-Ra to A:TLA to Star Wars to Lovecraft Country. We don’t talk about the inherent malleable, subjective, or charmingly imperfect nature of fiction any more. Transformation and reclamation are myths in this space. Everything is in rigid categories. It is seemingly very difficult for some of these people to engage with anything that is not able to be clearly labeled as one thing or another (see the inherent transphobic and biphobic elements of the most intense rhetoric). They destroy anything they cannot filter through their ideology. When women act in a way that breaks from their narrative of womanhood (like...not having a vagina), then those women must be condemned instead of understood. Anything that challenges them or makes them uncomfortable is a mortal sin. There is an extraordinary level of both hypocrisy and repressive denial that is underlying the behavior I’m seeing now. Much like toxic Christian conservatism, these people often are discovered engaging in the same behaviors and interests that they condemn behind closed doors (or just out of sheer cognitive dissonance). As an example, one of the people who talked shit to me about Labyrinth was a huge fan of Kill La Kill, which to my knowledge was an anime about a teenage girl in like, superpowered lingere (hence why I stayed the fuck away from that shit myself). Indeed, they even allow themselves plenty of leeway for behavior far worse than they condemn others for, and create support systems for the worst of their own abusers. 

Quite frankly, I’m tired. Instead of talking about theoretical problematic shit, we need to start talking about quantifiable harm. Because as far as I can tell, the most real, immediate, and quantifiable harm done because of anybody’s favorite ships or pieces of media seems to consistently be the kind that’s done to the people who experience verbal violence and abuse and manipulation and suicide baiting and death threats from the people who have a problem.

[whenrockwasyoung19]

It’s Time to Talk about a Bespectacled Elephant in the Room

I’ve been in the Beatles fandom for 8 and a half years. I have had a Beatles blog for the entirety of those 8 and a half years, and I have watched as discourse about these four men evolve. The discourse inside and outside the fandom has become so toxic that I don’t think I can engage with it in the same way that I could before. Let me explain. 

When I entered this fandom 8 and a half years ago, it was in 2012, quite an infamous year in tumblr history. That was the pique of “”cringey”” fandom culture. The Beatles fandom was as steeped in fandom culture as any other fandom. I know this because I was part of two of the top of fandoms at the time, Doctor Who and Sherlock. Believe me, I have seen cringe. 

The fandom at the time was totally aware of the John, Paul, George, and Ringo’s flaws as individuals, but most fans tended to simply enjoy Beatles fandom as if it were the 60s. Some might call it ignorant bliss. If you asked me at the time, I’d have said it was self-aware ignorant bliss--if that even makes sense. At the time, there wasn’t a person with a Beatles icon who hadn’t heard the line “John Lennon beat his wife.” Everyone knew it, but everyone also knew the real story, and so everyone just made peace with it. As a result, people didn’t think about every bad thing the Beatles ever did on a daily basis. It was more like a once-a-month kind of thing. Otherwise, fandom discourse was quite fun and relaxed. There were no shipping wars, no one fought over who was the best Beatle, everyone gushed over the Beatles wives, and we all just had fun with fics and fan art. 

Of course, in this period, people engaged in conversations about one bespectacled Beatles problematic behavior. These conversations usually came from outside of the fandom. It was usually randos coming into the tags or into someone’s ask box and ranting about John Lennon’s violent behavior. Some of it came from within the fandom. Some people really didn’t like John and gave others shit if they listed John as their favorite Beatle. A lot of the discourse boiled down to: ‘hey, I see you like John Lennon. You should know that he beat his wife. And now that you know that, you should feel bad about ever liking him in the first place.’ And the response was often, ‘Actually, John Lennon didn’t beat his wife. They weren’t even married at the time. And also he didn’t beat her, he slapped her once in the face, and then never did it again.’ No one’s minds were changed. The fans had made their peace, and the antis came off as cynical and pretentious. 

When Dashcon happened, and Tumblr took a hard look at its cringey fandom culture, the Beatles fandom evolved as well. The fandom became, frankly, less fun. It no longer felt like a group of people who found the Beatles decades after the 60s and were fangirling like it was 1965. There was still some of that left, but a lot of it kind of faded. So, most fandom interactions were reblogging pictures of the Beatles from the 60s and various interview clips and quotes. But the barrage of antis never really went away, and the response didn’t evolve. 

Then, the advent of cancel culture came on. I always waited for the Beatles to get, like, officially canceled, but I also felt they were uncancel-able at the same time. Let me explain. I have been a Beatles fan primarily in an online space, rarely engaging with fans in real life. But I have met fans who are life-long Beatles fans, people who are a lot older than us and who’s fandom isn’t tied to the internet. They don’t give a shit about any of our discourse. They may or may not have heard it before, but they seem totally indifferent to all of it. I’m sure most of them have never heard ‘Mclennon’ before. These are the people that flock to see Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr in concert (and pay astronomical prices for it). These are the people who go to record shops and buy vinyl. These are the people I run into at flea markets who buy up all the Beatles merch before I can even arrive (true story). So, the Beatles will never be canceled because there will always be people who love the Beatles and don’t engage with online discourse. Rarely said, but thank god for Gen-X. 

As cancel culture took over the internet, fandoms changed. It’s not as noticeable in fandoms without problematic favs. For instance, I’m also steeped in the Tom Holland fandom, and that boy is a little angel who has done no wrong. No one has discourse about the unproblematic boy who plays an equally unproblematic character. But in fandoms with ‘problematic favs’ the mood has shifted. I’m also in the Taron Egerton fandom. Taron Egerton, for those who only follow me for my Beatles stuff, is a genuinely sweet and kind person who has had zero scandals in his six year career. There were some rumblings when he was cast as Elton John, and some people took issue with the fact that he’s a straight man playing a gay man. This discourse seemed to die quickly as a whole lot of straight people played gay people in that same year (Olivia Coleman as queer Queen Anne, Emma Stone as her queer lover, Rami Malek as Freddie Mercury). Why jump on this boy who at the time was still technically on the rise. He’s not exactly the same target as someone like Scarlett Johansson who has her pick of roles. Taron doesn’t have quite that some power in Hollywood, and I think most people made peace with the fact that this was a big role for him, and it’s not really fair to take that away from him. So, all in all, the closest thing to a scandal was something that died pretty much on arrival. 

That was until this summer when everything changed. When George Floyd was murdered, celebrities flocked to social media to mourn his loss. Taron’s social media account was silent. For weeks, Taron said nothing about Black Lives Matter or Floyd’s death. This caused outrage in the fandom. Many raced to defend him, starting a hashtage #IstandwithTaron. Others sought to tear him down and anyone who supported him. The kind of mania this one incident caused tore through an otherwise peaceful fandom. What I saw was two sides in a total panic. The antis were people who once had faith that Taron was a good person and were now questioning that. Andthe defenders were people who desperately wanted him to be a good person and were afraid that he wasn’t. In essence, both sides could feel Taron about to get canceled. The defenders wanted to stop it, the antis wanted to ride that wave. 

What this long drawn out Taron example is meant to convey: is that cancel culture has put fandoms on edge. One’s fav has to be perfect, otherwise it can jeopardize the existence of the entire fandom. I’ll admit, I was afraid that I’d be some kind of pariah for standing by Taron through all of this. My actions were to basically reason with the antis but still defend Taron. I defend him mostly because I felt that his silence was the result of a needed social media absence and that trying to shame him back onto social media was an invasion of privacy. But I was genuinely afraid that he would get canceled, and the fun of the Taron fandom would be lost. 

In the Beatles fandom, it often feels like the Beatles, mainly John, have already been canceled. I see this coming from two different sources: antis from outside of the fandom and antis within the fandom. The outside antis are just the same as the ones from 2012. These are people who like to drop in that John Lennon beat his wife, posting this in the tag (which violates an ancient tumblr real by the way--no hate in the tags). 

The antis outside the fandom speak to a larger anti-John Lennon sentiment online. I see references to John Lennon ‘beating his wife’  on Tiktok and twitter. The tone of anti-John Lennon posts has shifted. Before, it felt like the antis were being smug but also argumentative. They wanted to have a conversation about this bit of info they read on Reddit with no context. Now, “John Lennon beating his wife” is practically a meme. It’s a running joke online that John Lennon was a wife beater. I can’t look on my instagram explore page because every so often a John Lennon beats his wife meme will pop up amongst the other, normal, memes.

This change in discourse suggests that the internet has just accepted this as fact now. I should note that back in 2012, it seemed as if few people knew this fact. The fandom knew it, and these random antis knew it, but few others did. Now, because of how common these memes are, it seems to be widespread knowledge.

Consequently, the Beatles fandom, who used to ward off attacks from antis, seems to have given in. I recently saw a post from a Beatles blog (had the URL and icon and everything) that confessed they felt guilty for listening to the Beatles, and I’ve seen similar sentiments expressed in the fandom. People tend to put disclaimers in posts about John or even all four that John is an ‘awful man.’ It seems like the self-aware ignorant bliss has completely gone away. Occasionally, I still see posts joyously talking about Mclennon or reblogs of old photos from the 60s. But the culture has shifted. 

Online, it no longer feels comfortable to be a Beatles fan. It feels like you have to own up to 8 decades of mistakes by four men you’ve never met. And, I should note, this is kind of how it feels to be a fan of anything right now. Taron is not canceled today, but he could be tomorrow. It’s this pervasive feeling of guilt that the person you’re supporting may or definitely has or is doing something wrong.

I’ll admit this uncomfortable feeling has expanded into other parts of my fandom life. I listen to their music, and I feel elated--the way I always have. Then, I get these intrusive thoughts which sound like all the worst parts of Twitter combined. It wasn’t always like this. Back in 2012, when I knew almost nothing about them, I saw them as four young men who were full of happiness, love for another, and talent. Back then, listening to their music was exciting and joyous. Sometimes, I fear that I can never feel that way again. Next year, when I finally go to Liverpool, will I be filled with excitement or guilt? 

I say all this for a few reasons. One, I love John Lennon. I appreciate all the good he did for the world not just as a musician and an artist but also his advocacy and charity work. I love him, and a part of me will always love him, but observing the change in discourse has enlightened me as a historian. Part of my job is to observe people’s legacies, and John’s is perhaps the most interesting legacy I’ve ever observed. When he died, he was hailed as a saint. But tall poppy syndrome set in, and the antis started. This culture grew and grew to the point where it seems to, at least among the younger generation, taken over the sainthood. 

But as a historian and a fan, I have never seen the saint or the devil. I’ve only seen the man, the incredibly flawed man. The thing that these antis never understand is that John Lennon was painfully aware of his own flaws to the point where it made him all the more self-destructive. In essence, his past mistakes caused him to make additional mistakes. But John, aware of his own flaws, always tried to change and was often successful. I’ve talked about this before, but John demonstrated that he was capable of being a good person, like properly so, again and again. After he struck Cynthia, he never hit her again. His shortcomings as a father to Julian weren’t repeated with Sean. He worked on his drinking, his drug addiction, and his anger, trying to overcome those demons till the day he died. By all accounts, the John Lennon that died in 1980 is not the John Lennon who struck Cynthia Powell at school. That John Lennon was living a cleaner, healthier life. He was a better father to both his sons by that point, and was trying to repair his relationship with Julian. He was a good husband to Yoko and saw himself living a long and happy life. 

John Lennon cannot and should not be boiled down to just his flaws. It’s one thing as a fan to acknowledge that John is a flawed human being (news flash: they all are), but he is also much bigger than that. 

So once again, why am I writing this long, rambling post, once again talking about John Lennon’s virtues? Because if I can’t engage with healthy discourse about the Beatles and John Lennon, then I can’t engage with discourse on the topic at all. So, I probably will post less Beatles stuff because I find it hard to go through the tags or even my dash (well, I can’t really go through my dash anymore for other reasons I’m not going to get into right now). If any of my followers have noticed a lot of Taron posts lately, it’s not just because I love Taron, it’s because Taron’s  tag is pretty much the only location on tumblr I feel 100% comfortable in. Any foray into John or the Beatles tags becomes uncomfortable and guilt-ridden quickly. 

So, I probably will post less about the Beatles until I can find a blog or a tag that doesn’t give me bad vibes. My fandom will likely outgrow tumblr and the internet. I have a ton of Beatles books; maybe I’ll rely on those. I am doing official scholarly research on them now. Maybe that will be my outlet. I’m sorry if I post less about them now, but it’s really for my own well-being. 

[tcheschirewrites]

Happy New Year!

Part of me wanted to do a Year In Review post, like I’ve seen a few other creators do, but instead of talking about myself (which I do for the entire rest of the year anyway lmao), I’m gonna do a reclist instead, of the best fics I’ve read this year. A lot of it is BNHA, because that’s been my main fandom for 2020, but I did spend a decent amount of time in other spaces. If you see a **, that means there’s boning at some point – if the fic is in bold, then there’s a lot of boning. I @ed their Tumblr if I knew it off the top of my head, but I may have missed some.

BNHA

Don't Yuck Her Yum by rumblefish ( @rumbllefish) (League of Villains Gen)

Complete – A quick disclaimer, pia is a mutual and a friend. That being said, this is such a cute little snapshot into the LOV with everyone’s favorite Found Family trope. Now, I’ll admit to being additionally biased because pia gave me that sweet sweet Dadpress food, but her Spinner is also on point. Short and sweet.

the Issue of the Jeanist Corpse (the Jorpse) by Princeliest (Hawks & Jeanist Gen)

Complete – Witty and hilarious, a deleted scene when Hawks went to visit Best Jeanist before War Arc. I love how antsy Hawks is, and how fussy Jeanist. Also, I’m a sucker for putting a j at the beginning of everything for Jeaninst.

Queer Eye: We're In Japan! And There Are Pro Heroes Everywhere!! by night_of_the_living_trashcan (Background Erasermic Family)

Complete – I love a good Queer Eye fic, and this one is so spot on. The Fab Five couldn’t get a better candidate than Aizawa (well, almost; see below). And I’m a sucker for Erasermic family.

 **Yesterday's Gods by Karzai (All Might/Reader)

WIP - Reader character is an ex-military doctor who comes to work at UA. If you’re a fan of very well-developed backstories, and reader characters that are their own people, then this is the fic for you. This fic gives me huge Newsroom vibes - we’ve got a past romance, and the tension after years apart. We get present day when they are older and more jaded, and we get the backstory of the reader character and All Might when they were young and spry.

**surrender (whenever you're ready) by OfMermaids ( @ofmermaidstories) (Bakugou/Reader)

WIP - Bakugou accidentally destroys a florist’s shop. Bar none the best Bakugou fic out there - his characterization is so on point. He is grouchy but so vulnerable, he’s coarse and soft and insecure and such a perfectionist. The relationship with the reader character develops very naturally, and the chapters are long. Bonus, we get some bangin’ Kiri as well.

 **if i could keep cool by andypantsx3 ( @andypantsx3) (Todoroki/Reader)

Complete – I’m in love with the premise of the fic: a hired cleaner gets kidnapped due to a misunderstanding of the romantic variety. Andie’s Todo is well written, and the pacing of the story is nice and tight. An easy read.

 **Subject: RAPTOR by Tainted_Wine ( @tainted-wine)(Hawks/Reader)

Complete – The villains have turned Hawks into a Nomu, and reader works collecting semen for the facility for breeding purposes. Bigtime monster-fucking, but it’s very poignant and well-done. Very long, but well worth the time.

 **My Hero by HeroAssociation(Aizawa/Reader)

WIP – Reader character is a milf whose son enters a contest to meet his favorite hero and wins. The author’s Aizawa is really good, and the scenes with the reader’s son are very realistic for maternal love. And, I cannot emphasize this enough, reader character is a milf. It’s incomplete, and hasn’t updated in a while, but the premise is so cute I can’t not include it.

 suffer the signs by advantagetexas(Aizawa/Reader)

Complete – Baby’s first hanahaki. Honestly a very cute little hanahaki – no angst or sads, just two idiots in love. A nice quick read.

 But they're soft... by coffee_dessert (Aizawa/Reader)   

Complete – Aizawa gets turned into a cat by a villain’s quirk, and the reader character takes care of him until it wears off. I’ve heard this premise is popular? But I haven’t seen too too many, and this one is very well executed. Aizawa’s characterization is solid, and the pacing is very good. A very sweet read.

**no grave to hold my body down by Hawnks (supermintfluff) ( @hawnks)(Shinsou/Reader)

Complete – Pro Hero Shinsou saves the reader character, and they keep running into each other. This one is a good character study on adult Shinsou, and Hawnks’ writing is always very clean and lovely. I recommend going through their entire selection.

Love Like You by Queen_Kai (Shinsou/Reader)

Complete – Color Soulmate AU with a villain reader. Very cute, and I adore Shinsou’s characterization in this one. I honestly wish there was more, but it stands on its own very well.

Naruto

**Maid with Benefits by awolangel (Akatsuki/Reader)

WIP – Reader is hired to be a live-in maid to the Akatsuki, and also have lots of sex. This fic is hilarious, and so well characterized. The pacing is actually really good, as well as the development of all of the relationships. There are some characters that get more attention than others, but we do get a nice spread. Very fun escapism fic.

Moonshine by Victopteryx ( @ancharan) (HashiMada)

Complete – Prohibition Era Bootlegging AU. Author’s handle on both Madara and Hashirama is incredible (and they draw their own fanart, and it’s also incredible). A whole-ass meal.

Tobirama Kicks Some Sense Into Konoha by allseer15 (Tobirama&Naruto Gen) 

Complete – Tobirama gets sent back in time due to an accidental jutsu, and is horrified at the way Konoha is run, and promptly Rampages over it. Wonderful catharsis for anyone who wondered why it was okay for a rich-ass old man to just leave an infant a welfare check and a shitty apartment and dip out on his development even though he has the equivalent of a nuclear warhead in his upper intestine.

Misc

**Clouds by moriamithril (Star Wars Rogue One, Cassian Andor/Reader)

Complete – Reader character is a handler/assistant type figure to Cassian over a series of missions. We get a lot of emotions in this one – we get the tenderness of caring for someone who is ill, we get devotion, we get yearning, we get delicious jealousy. Well written and lovely.

Fresh Coat by scrapmetal (The Mandalorian, Boba & Din Gen)

Complete – Fantastic Boba and Din, the Mando culture representation we deserve. I’m love.

**A Far Greater Sin (Reader version) by Yavannie (The Mandalorian, Din Djarin/Reader)

Complete – Reader is a healer, and builds a relationship with Mando over the course of a couple decades. Great pacing, great RC development, and the author’s Mando is quite good. The premise/setting gives me wicked fantasy vibes, even though it’s obviously In Space, but that’s definitely a draw.

who's gonna save us now (when the ashes hit the ground) by chancellor_valdez (Ready or Not, Grace/Daniel)

Complete – My favorite of the “Grace and Daniel Survive Together” subgenere, this one is very raw with its emotions. There’s a lot of hurt, and there’s a lot of self-harming coping mechanisms. Recovery is ugly, and the author did a very good job showing us that. And their ending was lovely.

not your garden variety demon lord by rizahawkaye (Inuyasha, SanSessh)

Complete – Sango takes care of Rin sometimes, and gets confused when Sesshoumaru brings her gifts. The author’s Sessh is so good, and it’s a great exploration of a relationship we don’t see much of.

Mine Enemy by Ayrith (Inuyasha, InuSan)

Complete – I love this fic, okay. Fantastic character study in Sango and a lot of the rougher parts of her that canon shied away from, and the author’s Inuyasha characterization is fucking great. Just go read this, yes.

Frozen Plus One by Meowzy (Frozen, HansAnna)

WIP – Troll AU, ie the trolls cursed Hans and that’s why he is That Way. Look, this author has done such a good job with all of the characters. Their voices are very distinct, and it’s not a reach at all to see how it could have gone differently. And we get some sweet HansAnnaKris action, and it is just as we deserve. Honestly, this fic is so well written, it deserves the world.

Knives In by anomalation (Knives Out, Marta/Ransom)

Complete – My favorite of the Pen Pals subgenre, this one is a fantastic slow burn. Ransom is really forced to face himself, and Marta is such a babe. Meg makes a few appearances, and her confusion over her place in the world is really well done. A great enemies-to-lovers.

It's Not Anxiety, It's a Parasite by squadrickchestopher (Venom, Queer Eye)

Complete – Look, I’ve mentioned before, but I love a good Queer Eye fic. Eddie gets what he deserves, and the symbiote couldn’t be more happy. So funny and clever.

You Find Yourself in a Maze by FloaromaMeadow ( @zombiekaiba) (S0 Atem Gen)

Complete – Very short and very poignant, the style is modeled after text-based command games. It fits super well with the Season 0 aesthetic, and there’s so much punch in each command.   

Gaud's Grinch x Tony Fix-it Fic by gaudy_writes ( @biggest-gaudiest-patronuses)

WIP – Look, I know, all right. Just read it.

[nancysgillians]

You have me curious about your ranking now so I want the same ships ranked but I want my top two in the list as well, so: Kurtbastian, Klaine, Kelliott, Kadam, Hevans, Kandler, Kalter. :)

Okay love, you asked and here’s the long awaited answer: 

1) Klaine This one is probably obvious from the URL but yes I am Klaine trash. Klaine and Brittana were most of the reason I kept watching this show past season 4. 

It’s “you know my coffee order?” to “you move me” to “we got each other out of all this” to “i’m never saying goodbye to you” to “you take my breath away”  and “right now it’s your time” to “you’re still my best friend” to “we’re always going to be there for each other” to “with you in it, a wonderful life” and ”I think that my soul knew something that my body and my mind didn't know yet. It knew that our hands were meant to hold each other, fearlessly and forever, which is why it's never really felt like I've been getting to know you. It's always felt like I was remembering you from something, as if in every lifetime you and I have ever lived, we've chosen to come back and find each other and fall in love all over again, and over and over for all eternity. And I just feel so lucky that I found you so soon in this lifetime because all I want to do, all I've ever wanted to do, is spend my life loving you” and ”thanks for knowing me” to “ I can't stop you from failing, but I can promise to make it safe if you do” to “by protecting something that is very precious to me” to  “i choose to trust you and love you through everything”  and  “family are the people who embrace you with open arms no matter what” to “they can see the pain in your eyes even when you’re fooling everyone else” to “i am a work in progress”

2) Kelliott This feels like the most realistic ship for so many reasons (people don’t often marry their high school sweetheart and have a fairytale romance) and mainly they had fantastic chemistry. Elliott was a balm to the chaos of Kurt’s life and I regret all the stories we never got to see with Pamela Lansbury/One Three Hill. Though I love them as a friendship (so important to show queer people just being friends as much as depicting love stories) they would also be a wonderful example of post-high school relationships that Glee rarely depicted.  

3) Kurtbastian Babe, you definitely converted me on this one. I will admit that I have read some Kurtbastian before you came into my life but I never ~shipped~ it. Mostly Sebastian feels like a wasted character development opportunity on the show so give me all the fanon Sebastian growing up, learning from his mistakes and maybe wooing Kurt (and Blaine, together?) along the way. They would be die hard protectors and cheerleaders of each other. I think they might struggle to connect sometimes and have fights but what relationship doesn’t have growing pains? That’s certainly never stopped me from shipping Klaine. 

4) Hevans I wanted this to happen for all of 5 episodes and then we met Blaine... but I genuinely loved how Kurt had met this guy who didn’t treat him like he was contagious and afforded him respect throughout the duration of the show. Even when Blaine becomes Sam’s best friend he never treats Kurt poorly during either breakup. I like to think they had a great friendship that grew when Sam lived at the Hudmels and in a world without Blaine or Mercedes I would ship it hard. Sam actually never wanted Kurt to be anything but himself which can’t actually be said for most of these ships (hmmmmmm). 

5) Kadam I don’t dislike Adam, I think he was given a lot of the Blaine introduction without the yearning that we love and got to see in s2. Adam was an opportunity for Kurt to explore his own assertiveness and express his wants in a relationship that he couldn’t explore before. Adam was flirty and fun but nothing that I could see lasting. I agree that Adam probably deserved better than Kurt honestly but he also knew what he was getting into with Kurt, someone who is clearly healing from a past break up.  

6) Kandler We don’t actually know much about Chandler but he seemed sweet and completely willing to shower Kurt with love and attention. They could have been a cute romance but I think their relationship would be pretty surface level and short-lived. 

7) Kalter I do put Walter last on the list, yeah there’s the lying bit but I actually don’t hate on the age gap. I think a lot of straight fans of glee and even young and lucky queers don’t grasp the narrative of the late in life queer. Hot take but people can struggle with their sexualities for most of their life and by the time they come out the dating pool is mostly younger. One of my closest college friends married her wife this past year and they have about a 15 year age gap and are one of the happiest queer couples I know. I think Kurt could have really enjoyed dating an older man. As long as everyone can consent there’s no need to yuck someone’s yum. 

Thanks for sending this ask back, it was fun to answer. I also reserve the right to change my opinions and anytime someone shits on one of these ships I will move them a ranking higher jsyk. Ultimately my fave ship is Kurt/Happiness. Check out @backslashdelta answers if you want.

[aion-rsa]

Why The Great North Isn’t Just Another Bob’s Burgers

https://ift.tt/3rSBEcN

It’s easy to take one look at FOX’s newest animated comedy, The Great North, and assume it’s exactly like the long running and beloved Bob’s Burgers. Two of The Great North’s creators wrote a good chunk of Bob’s Burgers episodes and the shows share a near-identical art style after all. At first glance some of the Bob’s Burgers character archetypes seem to be involved as well: awkward daughter, an odd sarcastic youngest child, and a loving, if somewhat offbeat, father.  So why bother with something like Bob’s Burgers when you could just watch Bob’s Burgers?

While there are a few surface similarities, by the end of the first episode of The Great North you’ll realize there’s so much more to it than just an Alaskan set version of the Belcher family. It’s got humor all its own, unique characters, and the potential to be something that isn’t merely a rival to Bob’s Burgers but a truly unique experience.

So let’s head up north to discover all the reasons why The Great North is so wonderful. As a brief primer, the show is set in Alaska and follows the Tobin family with fisherman dad Beef, artistic daughter Judy, loveably dumb son Ham, bear-suit wearing son Moon, oldest and eager to please son Wolf, his always chipper and new to Alaska fiancé Honeybee, and Judy’s best imaginary friend Alanis Morissette…played by Alanis Morssette.

The Family’s Lack of a Mom is Refreshingly Handled

A lack of a mom is a huge trope in animation at this point (look at damn near every ‘90s Disney movie) and if there is a mom, especially in a comedy, she tends to be wacky or overly loving. The Great North puts a new twist on both of these in its very first episode.

The plot of the premiere deals with Beef struggling to get over his ex-wife years after she abandoned the family. An ex-wife isn’t anything to write home about, a single dad taking care of a family is a comedy trope in of itself, but it’s what we learn about Beef’s ex that makes this element so refreshing.

Instead of the mom just not being present or having died off screen, Beef only acts like she’s dead, a fabrication everyone goes along with to keep him sane. When he isn’t around though Judy is quick to point out the rest of the family doesn’t buy this and they never liked her much anyway. She even flat out states,

“She was a really bad mom, okay? And it was actually better when she left.”

The other kids then list off horrible things she did, like name their dog Grandma solely so, “she wouldn’t be lying when she said we were with Grandma when people asked.” She runs a blog with her “new lover” about stores that wont chase you if you shoplift. Even in her goodbye letter to Ham she just wrote, “smell you later.”

I love this so much because it replaces all the easy sentimentality of a dead or simply absent mom that comedies love and instead opens up some fantastic new storytelling opportunities. In the pilot alone it gives us deep insight into Beef, that despite how awful she was he refuses to think anything but the best of her. Why is he like that? Is it his way of not thinking about all the terrible things she did? She’s left him so broken he has to concoct an elaborate fantasy to keep himself sane. It makes you instantly love the character and while he does seemingly get over this denial in the pilot I can foresee it impacting him for the rest of the series.

It’s also so refreshing because the kids aren’t all that broken up about it. Knowing their mom was terrible helps reflect a lot of what kids go through in real life. Sometimes they just have a bad parent and there’s no deep explanation of why, they just are and it’s not great. Maybe Judy and the others are hurt by this and I’d love to see the show tackle that in the future but even if it strictly keeps this part of their characters on the comedic side of things? It’s empowering. These kids aren’t broken up by their awful mom and want her back; they’re thriving BECAUSE she isn’t around. 

Nick Offerman Being Nick Offerman

Over the years Nick Offerman has perfected the deadpan and loveable character that brought him to fame in Parks and Recreation. His role as Beef isn’t a major departure from that mold but it does allow Offerman to be even warmer than his most famous character. 

As Beef he’s a capable man who gets up to see the sun rise and chop wood. He loves nature so much he steals a potted plant from a mall to take better care of it. His love for his family is on full display and he often goes to absurd lengths to keep them together. Offerman brings a great charm to the role and all of the jokes he delivers are winners. 

The Rural Location

Bob’s Burgers draws much inspiration from its city setting, while The Great North is set in rural Alaska. This may seem like a surface level change but once again opens up all kinds of new opportunities for stories and characters. Where the Belcher family was somewhat cynical to city life (you would be to with a landlord breathing down your neck) the Tobin family openly embraces the chilly north.

Judy sits out on the roof and talks with her imaginary best friend, Moon takes great pride in his ability to mimic a soon to be eaten cadaver laying out in the snow, and Beef specifically gets up every morning to stare in wild wonder at Alaska’s majesty while whispering “hot dog.” The whole family even delights in going to the mall, which is the kind of joy only someone living out in the middle of nowhere can truly appreciate.

The Different Character Dynamics

Even after eleven truly fantastic seasons Bob’s Burgers characters still manage to never feel stale and the team behind the show always finds new ways to play around with them. With such a rock solid cast of characters you’d think they could tackle any story imaginable but The Great North is already proving to be a home for stories that just wouldn’t work for Bob’s Burgers.

The most noticeable change is that most of the kids are older. Judy and Ham are both sixteen which opens up a lot of possibilities that couldn’t be done with the Belcher kids. They can get involved in more serious relationships, have jobs (as Judy gets in the first episode), and are able to be more autonomous from the family. Wolf, the oldest of all of them, is engaged! Imagine what could be done with a soon-to-be married couple? Honeybee herself also functions as a delighted fish out of water to Alaska, her thoughts on the Tobins’ life a needed commentary. Her outgoing personality also clashes well with Moon’s stoic nature.

Read more

TV

The 10 Best Bob’s Burgers Episodes

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Judy and Ham also share a more loving sibling dynamic than any of the Belcher kids ever have. In Bob’s Burgers the kids don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves, they’re more likely to make sarcastic quips about one other. The Great North though has Judy and Ham share a special bond, the two have a secret handshake that goes for an indeterminable amount of time. It’s really sweet and it makes me excited to see what kind of comedy can be mined from this more openly affectionate family.

Ham Is Gay And I Love Him

Ham is my favorite character so far in this show. He’s a little slow on the uptake but loves everyone in his family a lot and can even make a perfect replica of a cadaver… in the form of a cake. He also happens to be gay, a fact that is wonderfully confirmed in the first episode when he blurts out, “I AM GAY!

To which Moon responds, “we know. You’ve come out to us a bunch of times.”

Beef then adds, “we love you just the way you are, damn it!”

Ham, clearly not remembering his past comings-out, yells, “WELL, THANK YOU FOR BEING AN ALLY!”

It’s a great scene and kicks any subtext out the door. Queer audiences don’t have to sit around guessing who COULD be queer in the show (as they’re so often forced to do with so little representation in media) there’s a character who said OUT LOUD he’s gay. He’s one of us!

Bob’s Burgers has had several one-time gay characters (Bob did refer to himself as “mostly straight” once but that was more of a gag) but getting a gay teen in the main cast is sublime. He’s also a different sort of gay teen then we’re used to in television, with a tiny “probably thinks it’s cooler than it actually is” mustache and his “not quite all there” personality. He’s not a stereotype, he’s got some obvious flaws, but he’s loveable! Sure enough, his family loves him and accepts him.

Having a gay character in the cast opens up so many story possibilities. Are there any other gay kids in this rural town? What if there’s only one and he’s forced to date him? Does he know what kind of guys he likes yet? Where do the gay kids hang out in this town? 

It also must be reiterated that his family loves him and accepts him. While drama over coming out and acceptance is totally valid, I’m glad that Ham will get the chance to just be gay and his family will support him all the way. We can just see him happily (if somewhat absent-mindedly) live his life and that’s needed in a world with so little queer representation. As a pansexual man myself it’s heartwarming. I wish I had a character like Ham when I was growing up. 

Alanis Morissette Is A Main Character

Yes, Alanis Morissette is in The Great North (played by the actual Alanis Morissette) but in an absolutely perfect choice she’s not the REAL Alanis Morissette, she’s Judy’s best imaginary friend who just happens to be Alanis Morissette. Judy’s artistic so it makes sense she’d look up to someone as incredible as the Canadian musical genius. As an imaginary best friend she tends to serve as a sounding board for Judy’s thoughts and gives absolutely flawless advice.

Even better though? The imaginary Alanis Morissette also only appears in the Aurora Borealis. That’s… incredible. What a way to take advantage of the show’s location!

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

 The Great North is a delight. It’s only been two episodes (the third one premieres February 14 and the first two are available on Hulu) but it’s already shown a lot of promise. Not in the “oh it’ll get good eventually” sense but in the “no it’s already great and I want to see more of it!” Don’t think of it as another Bob’s Burgers, just think of it as its own wonderful moose-filled show (it’s Alaska, what did you expect) and you’ll have a fantastic time. Truly, in these dark times we could all use a little help from imaginary best friend Alanis Morissette.

The post Why The Great North Isn’t Just Another Bob’s Burgers appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[focusfixated]

april fic rec round-up

oof. another month gone. let’s forget our troubles and read some fic.

--

for i am fearfully and wonderfully-made by @itsevidentvery

rating: E

fandom & pairing: good omens - aziraphale/crowley

summary: In which Aziraphale teaches Crowley to take a compliment.

notes: good, old-fashioned praise-kink fic, but with a subtle, humorous twist. i really enjoy the precision and structure of the writing style here, and how certain words work as a kind of motif throughout. there’s some deeper ideas at the heart of this, but also such a deft, light-touch of comedy and silliness - aziraphale trying to sneak praise in where crowley won’t notice was just extremely delightful.

--

meanwhile by @drawsaurus

rating: T

fandom & pairing: tintin - haddock/tintin

summary: He was such a wildly clumsy man, Tintin thought with great fondness, and yet so firm and reliable when it was needed of him.

notes: there are a few authors whose writing moves me beyond what they choose to do with the characters, at the level where the word-choice and verbal construction of the story is as captivating as the story that's being told & @drawsaurus is one of them. there’s such lovely homage to the source material in this, and beautiful details that create a glorious picture of domesticity. and the longing, oh boy, the longing. what’s wonderful about the story is the way that the misunderstanding between the two characters is not so deliberately obtuse as to be unbelievable. it’s a kind of soft skirting of the edges of a feeling, giving into it on some level, understanding the strangeness of it but not the fullness of it. simple, evocative, emotional. just perfect. 

--

better dreams and plenty & isoscelees (extra e) by @stitchyblogs

rating: E

fandom & pairing: it - richie/eddie

summary: Miniseries Eddie wakes up in a strange world thirty years after his second battle with It. He’s stranded from the time and the people he knew, and he needs help. Luckily he’s not the only Loser around.

notes: two stories in which eddie from the 90s miniseries collides with the film-verse versions of richie and eddie. i was surprised by how much i got into this polyamory premise, but the balance of deeply-engaging character development with a super fun, heartwarming story is just perfect. amazing prose, precise and never overwrought, and the dialogue is so in-character, amusing and dynamic and pitched just right. there's a beautiful kind of hope to this story too that got to my feelings in a way i didn't expect when i started reading. a gorgeous story about discovering yourself, learning to love, and understanding that sometimes you have more than enough love to go around.

--

stood up tall on two legs like a man does by @skinks

rating: E

fandom & pairing: it - richie/eddie

summary: Eddie rides a mechanical bull like a pro, and Richie wants to buck his bronco.

notes: a short but brilliant read. the concept of this is so ridiculously hot, but the entire thing is heightened to an absolute unbearable heat by the poetic carnality of the language here. an incredible stream-of-consciousness that transposes you directly into some kind of wild-west fever dream. incredible, transformative.

--

let’s get together before we get much older by tempestbreak

rating: E

fandom & pairing: it - richie/eddie

summary: Eddie has never been to Richie’s birthday party. But Richie had kind of hoped this time would be different.

notes: this is such a lovely story. there's something deep-down-soulfully satisfying about this kind of unconfessed longing that lasts a lifetime and finally, finally comes out. a wonderfully-written and moving character journey for the both of them. the dialogue is so wonderfully in-character, and so perfectly crafted for the telling of the story, with memories and motifs coming back in meaningful ways later down the line. really excellent.

--

salt all around that rim by @royal-chandler

rating: E

fandom & pairing: it - richie/eddie

summary: Richie moves farther onto the bed as his hand sneaks higher, bending over the gorgeous stretch of golden-limbed glory that is Eddie Kaspbrak.

notes: extremely yes. a story that manages to be deeply soft and affectionate while giving off this absolutely rabid carnal energy. there's also a sweet relationship at the core of this without the kind of tiresome snappishness that can characterise this sort of "my boyfriend is an idiot" dynamic. really creatively written with lovely use of language, a treat for the brain on all levels.

---

queer eye 5.01: adult content by @tiny-steve

rating: G

fandom & pairing: it - richie/eddie

summary: In which Bill accidentally nominates Richie for Queer Eye. Are five gay guys in his house Richie Tozier's worst nightmare or will they turn out to be just what he needed? The answer is yes.

notes: gorgeously-written. a tricky thing to pull off, writing a story structured as a TV show, but reads so naturally with the script insertions and real-time conversations in between. this is really masterful writing. the strength of this is really on the pure-dialogue script moments of the fab five, the banter and dynamic and the speed of their interaction and the author absolutely nails their speaking style. it's just wonderful. and the whole thing is also just really fucking lovely and soft.

---

previous fic-rec posts:

month #01: january

month #02: february

month #03: march

[moscarific]

Some of you might have noticed that I have a new fandom. As often happens, the fandom itself isn’t new: Roswell, New Mexico, has aired for two full seasons on the CW, and a lot of the fans jumped on board at or near the beginning. I, on the other hand, sauntered in late, martini in hand, and binged the whole thing on Netflix in a week to get my mind off the fact that my HVAC had died in the middle of a heat wave and nobody could figure out how to fix it. The stubborn appliance is now fixed, and my condo is now a placid 74 degrees Fahrenheit throughout, but in the time it took, I not only watched all of RNM but wrote and posted my first fic in the fandom. It is a classic case of new fandom glow, and all it took was an aggressively mediocre TV show about attractive queer aliens and two weeks of sustained negotiation with the heating-cooling repair company.

Since I have friends in the fandom and they seem happy that I’ve shown up - especially since I brought martinis for everyone - I’m now on a Discord server where a lot of the RNM fandom stalwarts hang out. (Discord: yet another fandom platform that reminds me that the days of Livejournal were terrible but also makes me feel ancient.) Here I am, two days after joining the server, giddily chatting with my fellow nerds and plugging away at fic #2, when someone starts fretting that everyone is leaving RNM fandom and there will soon be nobody left. 

In my mind, this fandom is vibrant. My Tumblr dash is full of new gifs, fanart, and stories. The Discord is not overwhelming, but there is plenty of action, most of it on topic. AO3 listings indicate a steady stream of new material. It’s possible that things have slowed down since the initial boom, but this fandom is still moving at a healthy clip - especially since, as someone else on Discord pointed out, we’re in the middle of a long show hiatus (made longer by the pandemic and by some behind-the-scenes tsuris) after a season that mostly separated the fandom’s consensus OTP. 

My reaction to this concern is that RNM is the kind of fandom that has legs. At first, that was an inkling, fueled by the desire for more Malex fic to be injected directly into my bloodstream, but the more I thought about it while folding laundry (You know what else got fixed last week? My dryer. I am so happy. Never get old, kids.) the more I saw myself responding to a pattern. The upside to being old - and by old, I mean that the Star Trek fans I used to hang out with on a Yahoo Group dubbed me a Brassy Old Fandom Queen in approximately 2002 - is that you have perspective. 

At this point, I have written upwards of 200 stories in something like 50 fandoms. (Not all of these stories are on AO3; some of them are buried on Dreamwidth where they belong.) You know what still gets read? Stories in fandoms with a large amount of canon that is readily available on a major streaming platform. I haven’t watched a Gilmore Girl since there was a Bush in office, but I still get kudos almost daily on Rory/Paris fics that are older than the characters were in the first season of that show. Sometime around 2011, I wrote Mass Effect femslash because I was modding a fic exchange and took a difficult sign-up for the team, and that thing still gets read all the time. Not only are my own Star Trek: DS9, Teen Wolf, and Firefly fics still being discovered by new readers, but I continue to find new fanworks for all of those fandoms on my Tumblr dash and on AO3, mostly created by people who just now took a deep dive on Netflix and fell in love for the first time. Some of these canons have become dated, and several were not great in the first place, but they’re easy to become obsessed with and to say fresh things about. They’re also easy to maintain interest in. I’m not really creating new works in any of these fandoms anymore, but I eagerly pick up new fanworks by others when they come my way. One of the best fics I’ve read in the past year is a sparkling Garashir AU that you should read if you have any DS9 feelings at all. I’ve been disillusioned with the central Avengers storyline of the MCU for years now, but I’ll be damned if I ever stop reblogging Stucky gifsets.

You know what doesn’t get new fans or fanworks? Short, time-dependent fandoms that everyone consumes at once and then gets tired of quickly. I got a bajillion kudos in the first 48 hours when I wrote my one and only Venom fic, and I don’t think anyone has touched that thing since. It’s a pretty good fic, but nobody cares anymore. A decade ago, everyone was wild for Kradam, but I suspect that if I ask the dewy-eyed college students on my dash what a Kris Allen is, they will blink at me with sweet incomprehension. Last year, when Good Omens was the place to be, I followed a bunch of fandom-specific side blogs, all of which are now either abandoned or so slow they’re effectively defunct. I have dim memories of lingering on endless LJ photosets of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson at some point in 2008, but I think we have erased this from our collective memory. In all of these cases, people got all their ideas and excitement out in one explosion of fannish energy, and then they moved on - usually drifting back to the large-canon fandoms they’d come from.

The flavor of this month is The Old Guard. Everyone is making gifs and writing fluffy backstory for Nicky and Joe. Almost everyone will be bored with this by Halloween. By then, there will be some other movie or RPF ship or live musical extravaganza that we are all either obsessed with or incepted into via fannish osmosis. Fandom needs these large, centralizing events to remind ourselves that we can all feel something in unison. But they don’t last.

That’s not to say that one kind of fandom source is better than another. Gilmore Girls is not a purer or more admirable source text than Lost Girl simply because you have forgotten that one of these shows exists. It’s just that some canons are better equipped than others to draw in and retain new fans, while others can’t sustain themselves without collective fannish energy to prop them up. And the best way to sustain any fandom is to lure your friends and neighbors into it, whether by talking up the merits of the canon or linking everyone to That One Fic or reblogging pretty gifsets until they give in. If everyone’s leaving the party, make a fresh batch of martinis. Chances are, a lot of people wanted to keep hanging around anyway, and a bunch of others were lurking by the door, wondering whether it was safe to come in.

[moth-and-mayfly]

gay fairies

I wrote this gay ass story for a final if anyone wants a short little queer pick-me-up to read. It has sapphics and fairies and a cute lil happy ending. I’m not really a writer so go easy but constructive criticism is appreciated :)

it also has some google-translate Irish in it so if anyone speaks real Irish I genuinely apologize 

Lavender Grass

My feet pounded across the ground, the bitter wind hard at my back as I crushed the long grass into a record of my path. I was barely taller than the grass myself but I pushed through, faster and faster, the sky above me gaping wide, the intricate stone crosses like trees arching over me. She was gaining. I kept going, the hard ground becoming harder stone underneath my small feet as I broke out of the long grass. I was almost there- the gate loomed in front of me, and a crazy grin broke out across my face. Just as I stretched my hand out towards it, I heard a buzz behind me and felt a pair of arms wrap around me. I let out a shriek as I was hoisted into the air, and began batting wildly at my captor.

“Ha! Gotcha!” I spun around to look my sister Nula in the face, and stuck my tongue out at her.

“You didn’t get me! You cheated! Wings aren’t allowed!”

She just grinned impishly at me, buzzing her wings behind her triumphantly. “It’s not my fault Mam hasn’t taught you yet, you’re too little. And you know we’re not allowed near the gate, so we both broke the rules, trioblóidí! It’s late, Mommy will worry if we don’t go home now.” She gave my dark curls an affectionate tousle, and started the flight back home still carrying me.

“Why doesn’t Mam want us near the gate anyway?” I asked as the long violet grass and graves passed underneath us.

“Because Mommy’s from there, and they kicked her out and hurt her.” Nula looked down at me seriously. “They’re not like us. They’re mean okay? And Mam just wants us to be safe.”

. . .

Nula set down as we reached home. It wasn’t big or showy, just a wooden house sticking up like an animal out of the long lavender grass. But as Mommy says, it keeps the wind out and the warmth in. I liked that I could see the ocean on all sides from the roof, and wave hi to the kelpies in the mornings. I liked that we had cows and goats and jackalopes, and that Nula and I got to name them. I liked the fluffy pillows that Mam made for us and our big fireplace. It was home.

“Dia duit mo pháistí!” Mommy greeted us from the porch, holding my little brother Rhys in one arm and churning butter with the other. I squirmed and Nula set me down.

“Nula cheated and flew again! It’s not fair Mommy!” I whined as I ran over to her and grasped her skirts. “Why can’t I learn to fly yet! Why not, why not, why not!

“Sage you’re such a tattletale.” Nula muttered.

Mommy sighed, letting go of the churn and looked down at me. “Mo stór, be patient. Your wings aren’t big enough yet.”

I pouted. “Well fine! If I can’t fly yet I want to go through the gate!”

She blanched immediately, her normally warm round face growing cold and her tone deadly. “Sage you absolutely may not go through that gate. I don’t even want you near it! Why are you bringing this up now?”

My righteousness subsided as I saw how serious she was. “Nula said you used to live there.” I mumbled, looking down at my feet. “She said they were mean to you.”

Mommy sighed, melancholy now. “They were mo stór, they were.”

I looked up at her hopefully, settling myself next to her the way I do when she reads us stories by the fireplace.

She laughed wryly as Nula sat at her other side, face curious.

“Alright mo dhualóga, I suppose I can’t keep it from you forever. I will tell you everything . . .

-

I grew up in a sad little town called Aineolach across the wall. The other side of the wall isn’t like here; the grass is green and there’s only one moon. No one has wings or tails or horns over there, they all look like me. And they are bitter, for somewhere deep within themselves they know they are missing something, but they don’t know what. So they take and take from the world, but they remain unfilled and eventually take it out on one another.

    I had four brothers and two sisters back in Aineolach, and all three of us girls shared a bed in our home. We had four walls, which is more than could be said for many people of the town, but they were worn walls and badly patched, and the wind still came in through the cracks. My sisters Ana and Neasa were the only things keeping me warm some nights. Ana and I were inseparable, she was older than me but we were the closest in age of all the siblings. My mom called us her cailíní fiáine- her little wild girls, because we had a reputation for always running off to dance and play in the woods, collecting flowers and pretty rocks and herbs. The space underneath our bed gradually filled with our little treasures.

    Neasa however . . .  well, she was younger than us and she got left behind a lot. I think perhaps it made the bitterness grow faster in her.

    As we got older, things changed. Crops started going bad, livestock got sick, people started whispering. They were suspicious of Ana and I, how free we were, how comfortable in the wild where the fae roam. They said perhaps we had angered something old.

    It never bothered me much, but Ana started staying home more often. She started working in the shop in town, hanging out with the other shop girls and twittering about boys. I didn’t see the appeal personally, so I went to the woods on my own. Months passed, and Ana fell in love with the blacksmith's son. I still didn’t get it, but I suppose he was tall and nice and such. Sometimes the three of us would all hang out and feed the ducks, and it was always a good time. It made Ana happy that me and him got along.

    But one day, a carriage rolled into town. A duke, passing through on his way to the city. I remember his fancy shoes and his lumbering walk, how he looked at everything as though he could own it with a snap of his fingers. I guess he felt that way about people too, because the moment he saw Ana he felt she should be his. He offered our father a massive sum of money, and before either Ana or I or the blacksmith's son knew what was going on, she was engaged to the Duke.

    I held Ana that whole night as she cried. Shaking, she whispered to me through sobs that she didn’t know what to do, that she was pregnant with the blacksmith’s son’s child and she didn’t know what would happen if the duke or anyone found out. I held her until she fell asleep, whispering “it’ll be alright. You’ll be alright. I’ll fix this.”

-

That night after Ana fell asleep I went into the woods. Unlike my usual walks, my steps were purposeful and my path was direct. My feet led me deeper and deeper until I reached an iron gate, twisted and rusted with age, only standing with the help of a nearby oak tree that had begun to grow around it. I had happened upon this gate years ago with Ana, but when we discovered it she had immediately pulled me back in fear.

“Look at those!” She had pointed frantically to the little ring mushrooms that grew around the tree and gate. “This is obviously fae land. If we get any closer they’ll take us away and we’ll never see home again. Let’s go.” I had let her pull me away, but I couldn’t help sneaking looks back as we left.

Now however, there was no one to stop me. And I needed to save my sister. So with a trembling breath, I stepped over the mushrooms. Instantly, my vision went white. When I could see again, I was still in the ring of mushrooms looking at the gate, but everything around me was different. The grass was purple, and twice the amount of moonlight shone down upon me. A sweet voice sounded from behind me, and I spun around- coming face to face with the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. She was talking, but I couldn’t process anything she said because I was too overwhelmed looking at her. She looked like a human, but somehow more alive. Her eyes were deep dark brown, the color of the soil and dark wood. Her hair was short like a boy’s, revealing pointed ears poking out between her curls, and I could have sworn her teeth were sharper than normal.

“Sorry, what?” I said, still dazed.

She gave me a concerned look. “I said hello.”

“Hi,” I managed to squeak back.

She squinted her big eyes at me, concerned. “Are you okay? We don’t get a lot of humans here. Are you lost?”

“No,” I said, taking a deep breath and steeling my resolve. “I’m here for a favor.”

At those words, an impish smile curled on her face. “I see. I am called Wren. And your name?” She reached out her hand, her unusually long fingers beckoning.

I slapped it away on instinct. “I’m not stupid. I wouldn’t give a fae my name. Call me whatever you like. I need you to help my sister and I can pay.” I thrust a bag of coins at her shocked face.

“Alright trioblóidí, relax.” She laughed, easily brushing off her surprise and pushing away my hand. “I will help. But your human money is no good here. I want that.” She pointed to my bracelet, a gift from Ana.

“It’s worthless.” I insisted.

“It’s sentimental. It has magic. And I’ll need a link to your sister if you want my magic to help the right person.”

I handed it over reluctantly.

“Okay, i'll see what I can do. But I must warn you, magic doesn’t always turn out how you or even I want it too.” She said, dark eyes holding mine.

“Now, you must go. The longer humans stay here, the harder it is to leave. If you need me again, just come to the gate and say my name.” And with that, she put a finger to the center of my forehead, and pushed me back. My vision went white, and I awoke the next morning in my bed, my heart pounding and my wrist bare.

-

The next day, the news travelled around our village faster than a dragonfly in spring: the count had fallen ill, and would be staying at the local healers house until he recovered. Or until he died, I thought. But I had enough sense to keep that to myself.

Ana was overjoyed. She and the blacksmith's son had enough time to run away to the next town over, and when they returned married, no one, not even our father, could do anything about it. I was so happy for her, really I was. But soon, she moved into a new house with her new husband: leaving me stuck with Neasa in the cold.

And so, the months passed. The duke did recover, but left town immediately, having forgotten completely about Ana. The harvest came and went, scarcer than ever. Ana lived her new life, and I stayed stuck in mine. I retreated to the woods more and more, unable to stop thinking about the gate and the fae girl and her dark eyes, but also unable to find the gate again.

One night, Neasa woke me from a nightmare, her thin hands pushing at my back. I turned to look at her angry face. “You’re keeping me up with all your whimpering! What has gotten into you?”

“Nothing. It’s not important.” I said.

Her young face scrunched itself into an unpleasant scowl as she looked at me. “I know you’ve always hated it here. You don’t talk to anyone but Ana, you’re always alone in the woods. Dad says you probably messed with spirits and got replaced by a changeling or something. But I think you’ve just always been a freak.”

At the time, I was too frustrated, too young and too tired of feeling trapped and bored with life to respond to Neasa with patience. I’ll probably wonder forever if things could have been different if I’d been more mature. But instead, I snapped.

“I’m not a freak!” I yelled. “You don’t even know anything Neasa! You’ve never left this stupid town and you probably never will. You’re just gonna be running around after people who don’t want you for the rest of your life. I’d rather be a freak than pathetic.” Without stopping to look at her face, I grabbed my cloak and boots and stomped out into the night air, letting my feet take me to the trees, and down path after path after path, until I stumbled upon a twisted gate.

“Wren?” I whispered uncertainly.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then with a flash of white she was there, standing in the circle of mushrooms, hair wild and eyes dark. She smiled when she saw me. “Hello again trioblóidí. Come to tell me your real name?” She joked.

I couldn’t help it, I started crying. Fat tears rolling down my face as I started talking about Ana leaving, and Neasa, and how everyday there was less food at home. Wren’s eyes widened, and she pat me on the shoulder uncertainly as I rambled.

“And I just know I’m going to be stuck there forever! Until I have to marry some slimy village boy and then I’ll be stuck at his house forever, cooking and cleaning and - oh my god - having his KIDS-“ with that, Wren pulled me into a tight embrace as I continued to cry.

Eventually, my tears turned to sniffles, and the embarrassment caught up with me. “I’m so sorry.” I said, hiding my face in her shoulder. “I know we’ve only met once, it’s just you’re the only person I know who doesn’t live in my village- and all of them think that settling down and marrying, ugh . . . A boy is the pinnacle of happiness and I just-“

She cut me off gently, “Hey, hey, it’s okay. I don’t - I don’t necessarily know how to help with this one, but if I can, I will.”

I peeked up at her. “Do you think you could tell me about that place I met you? With the lavender grass? Then I can, I don’t know. Imagine I’ve been somewhere besides these woods and home.”

She smiled, and we spent the rest of the night leaning against a nearby tree and talking about our homes and where we’d go if we could go anywhere.

As the sky grew light and the sun began to filter through the trees, I got up to go home. “Sorry again- but also thank you. For everything.”

She stretched and grinned, showing off rows of pointed teeth. “If you really want to thank me, you could give me your name.”

“Not likely, fae.” I teased

“Alright trioblóidí, up to you.” She grew serious then. “But listen, if you ever need to get away for real you can come with me. Home, I mean. My home. Only thing is . . . For a human, it’s hard to get back once you stay. So be sure.”

I wanted to. I really wanted to, but - “I can’t. I can’t leave my sisters”

“I understand.” She turned back towards the tree, and I watched as two beautiful, shimmery dragonfly wings stretched open behind her.

I gasped “are those-“ but she just threw a wink my way over her shoulder, and flew past the gate and out of sight.

-

Days stretched into weeks and weeks into months, and spring and summer came and went. I spent nearly all my free time sneaking out to talk to Wren and helping Ana with my new niece. I was happier than ever, even as things continued to grow worse in the village. Food was scarce, tensions were high, everyone was suspicious of each other. There was nearly a fistfight in the middle of the town square as a farmer accused his neighbor of stealing his cow. The cow in question was found a day later, and it turned out the farmer himself had left the back gate unlatched, but not even that revelation got him to apologise.

Since our fight, Neasa refused to talk to me. I tried to explain myself, tried saying sorry, but she would only stare at me in stony silence. I gave up after a while, too preoccupied with my newfound positivity to worry about her. She’d always been stubborn and volatile, but she usually forgot about things once she had a new person to direct her anger at, I was sure this time would be no different.

As the first cold winds of fall blew in, an early frost came with them. The frost covered the fields, rotting the fruits on the trees and decimating the crops. It was the last straw. Devastated, everyone gathered in the town square, screaming and shouting at each other, clamoring to blame or to weep or to prophetize our doom the loudest. I stood on the outskirts of the crowd next to Ana, who was holding my hand and her baby with equal fervor.

Suddenly, a voice echoed from behind us. Slow, and dripping with satisfaction, it carried over the noise of the crowd with ease.

“I know why this is happening.”

Silence.

“I know who did this.”

I turned around.

It was Neasa, a sharp smile on her face, vainglorious with the weight of all eyes on her for the first time. She walked slowly to the middle of the crowd, villagers parting like the Red Sea. Was she holding something?

“Someone in our village has cursed us.”

Gasps and mutters throughout the crowd. I stood up on my tiptoes to try and get a better look at what was in her hands.

“Think about it, what kind of person goes into the woods at all hours? Is strange and antisocial? Rejects all normal ways of life?” She smiles, drawing it out and holding the crowd rapt. “A witch of course.”

I spot the items in her hands. Dread shoots through me.

“And who do we know like that?” She turns her eyes on me and the crowds’ follow.

“I would hate to implicate my own sister in this foul act of magic, but alas, the evidence is overwhelming.”  All eyes turn back to her as she dumps the collection of herbs and rocks from under our bed onto the ground.

“She collects these materials to bring back here and concoct nefarious spells and curses. She is responsible for the sickness that befell the count, who would have brought us prosperity and wealth. She blatantly runs wild in the forest cavorting with the fae. I’ve seen it myself!” Neasa shouted triumphantly, pointing at me. The crowd began to edge away from me, staring at me angrily, whispering agreement.

She must have followed me that night after I yelled at her. I looked frantically at Ana, who was staring at me with a scared look on her face.

“It- it’s not true! I sputtered “listen, all that stuff- it’s just stupid trinkets Ana and I found when we were kids, it’s not, I’m not- Ana tell them!”

Ana stepped forward to defend me, but Neasa interrupted again.

“I have proof.”

She held up a small, perfectly white mushroom. Unmistakably from a faerie ring. The crowd erupted, but I didn’t hear anything. I just looked at Ana, pleading.

She looked back at me. Then, down at her baby. Back up at me.

She let go of my hand.

All the noise came rushing back to me, as Ana was swallowed by the crowd and angry villagers crowded my vision. I stared back blankly, as people I’d never met screamed at me for the death of their livestock, for their child falling ill, for the bad crops and the cold and the wind and all the things they couldn’t control.

It struck me then, that these people never got much of a choice in their life. The world so rarely gives people like us that courtesy, most people are only ever able to take what they are prescribed or what they can take from other people. But I had a choice that none of them would ever get, and I was wasting it staying here, when nothing was left for me anyway.

I bolted. I could hear shouts coming from behind me, the clanging of metal, stomping, the fizzle of fires being lit. My feet carried me through the grass and up the hill to the tree line. I was already panting but I pushed through, faster and faster, the trees arching over me. A crazy grin broke out across my face as I realized I’d never have to go home again. I hit a root and fell hard, but managed to kick off the underbrush along with my shoes and keep going. They were gaining now, but all I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears and the promise of a new life. I was almost there- the gate loomed ahead of me and I shouted “Wren!” In a split second she appeared before me, all wide eyes and sharp teeth.

“trioblóidí, what the hell?” She exclaimed as I barreled toward her, finally slowing to collapse into her arms.

“I want to go.” I said, breathing hard.

Her eyes softened, “are you sure?”

No hesitation. “Yes. And my name is Fiona.”

“Fiona.” She repeated. I nodded, and reached up to kiss her as we disappeared through the gate.

-

“And that, is how I met your Mum.” Mommy finished, smiling at us.

“That’s soooo romantic!” Nula sighed dreamily.

I just stuck my tongue out and wrinkled my nose. “Gross. Kissing.”

Mommy chuckled as Nula called inside. “Mum did you hear that! Mommy says you were like a hero!”

Mum emerged from the house, her dark curls blowing slightly in the wind, wings stretched behind her. She looked fondly down at Mommy, and planted a kiss on her forehead. “If you think I’m the heroic one, you should hear about all the adventures we went on after your mommy came back here with me! She’s the brave one for sure.”

Nula’s eyes lit up, and I knew we’d soon be hearing the whole thing.

“Okay tell us! But leave out the kissing.” I demanded. Mommy laughed, and grabbed Mum’s hand as we drew closer.

“Alright trioblóidí, I will tell you everything . . . “

[montocalypse]

For 'If I go now, I'd look for another you': Qs 1, 4, 13, 14 and 15. And for 'Sleepless,' Qs 6 and 10. (I know these are a lot, so feel free to take your time.) Thank you!

Thank you so much for the ask @soy-celeste! As you predicted, this did take a while, what with NaNo taking most of my free time, but here we go:

If I go now...

1. What inspired you to write the fic this way?

Story time, kiddos. Back in early 2019, I was just generally feeling miserable and missing Monto while he was frozen out of the squad, and then Alessio posted a couple of photos on his Insta from some cultural event they both attended, and it was really all the push I needed. I’d never even thought of this ship before, but once I saw it, it couldn’t be unseen. I just loved the idea of these two spending time together and maybe even being friends outside Milanello.

I’ve always been drawn to the dynamic of being queer while playing professionally - some of you might remember my first longer story also exploring that theme - and I saw this as a perfect opportunity to take a deep dive. I’d rarely written Monto as the older/more experienced party before, so that was a bit of a challenge, but it was also very fitting considering I was processing my feelings over his absence and inevitable retirement through the story.

So, I wrote like half of the first chapter back in February 2019. Then I was floored by some massive changes in my personal and professional life, and dropped the story for over half a year. When I finally came back to it in the autumn, after Monto’s retirement had put things into a new perspective, I basically rewrote the whole thing to put more depth to their relationship and drive home this generational shift that was happening in Milan, with Monto being brushed aside while Alessio climbed up to become the captain. It became much more than just a simple coming out love story: I was basically reliving the last few years on Monto’s career through the story.

So yeah, the main inspiration was definitely Monto’s retirement, even though the story begins four years earlier. All the other themes - sexuality, friendship, feeling like an outsider, emotional growth etc - all ties back to it. In short, I was feeling emotional, so I was also expressing lots of emotions I was either going through or had gone through before, in the only way I knew how.

4. What’s your favorite line of dialogue?

What a sneaky way to make me go through the story again!

It’s a tie between two very different scenes:

“Ask me why I kissed you.”

and

“Even after I met Cristina and fell in love with her, I kept expecting something to go wrong – for her to find out and leave me, for me to realize I wasn’t really into her, for someone else to come along and tell me I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be…”

First one because it packs all the unspoken feelings into one single sentence. It’s a scene I wrote in one sitting, with next to no edits even in the final version, and this line was something I knew I would use long before I actually got to do it.

The second one because I’m sick of bisexuality being swept under the rug, and this whole scene was my official ‘fuck you’ to everyone who thinks that being in a straight-passing relationship makes us any less queer.

13. What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?

Sunrise Avenue has been my go-to band throughout the creation of this story, with Heartbreak Century (where the title and all subtitles come from), Somebody Like Me (Crazy), and Question Marks probably being the ones I’ve listened to the most while working this story.

14. Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

For the longest time I’d wanted to write a story with a bisexual character where the sexual identity matters. I feel like sexual orientation - bisexuality in particular - is often unfairly ignored/forgotten in favour of Fun Gay Shit(TM) in fanfiction, and it’s always kind of bugged me even though I’ve definitely done it myself on many an occasion. 

In this story I wanted to show that being bi is a valid identity that affects how people act and experience the world regardless of their relationship status, and we go through a lot of the same struggles as other LGBTQ+ individuals, as well as stuff that’s specific to us. If there’s one reader who picked that up and maybe gained a new perspective on how they view sexuality, I’d be very pleased.

15. What did you learn from writing this fic?

That sometimes it’s completely OK to take my time writing and updating a story. I think this might be the first time I haven’t felt guilty for taking months to update, because this fic started as a personal therapy project that I never expected anyone else to pick up. And honestly? Had I written and pushed it out when the idea first struck me, I don’t think the story would have turned out half as good, because only with time and numerous edits (and lots of help from @hendos) did I find the right balance and my voice as a writer.

Sleepless

6. What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?

I could be cheap and just say it’s the ship because this is the only time I’ve written either Edi or Diego. However, that’d be selling it short, because this is actually one of the most personal stories I’ve ever written. 

I wrote it back when I was getting ready to move to another continent, and had to cope with an end to a very short-lived summer romance I’d gone through just before - that story didn’t end there, and it ended up being much more complicated than I’d ever imagined, but back then I didn’t know that. I just knew I’d found something special and I was choosing to walk away from it because if I didn’t, I would have regretted it. And that didn’t make the relationship-that-never-happened mean any less.

Sleepless, as short and (bitter)sweet as it is, re-tells a moment from the end of that non-relationship in as much detail as I could while also keeping true to the characters and context of the fictional relationship I was writing. I’m pretty sure it’s the only one among all my fics where I’ve basically lifted stuff from my own life and written it into a story with only some relatively small changes.

10. Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story?

I adopted Uruguay as my secondary national team during the 2010 World Cup after Italy went out. Sad, I know, but it was also surprisingly easy to fall for them when my attention wasn’t being hogged by the Azzurri. I remember falling particularly hard for Forlán, I was just awestruck.

When it came to choosing characters/pairing for this story, I knew I needed to find players with a clear age gap (to mirror the above-mentioned irl relationship) who were also living/about to live on other sides of the world. Forlán was the obvious choice because he was leaving Europe and I was upset to say the least.

As for Cavani, he was playing in Napoli at the time, so I’d been following him through Serie A, and was intrigued by this introverted singlemindedness I could see in him. I found it very relatable. He seemed like such an interesting person, I just wanted to take a shot at writing him, even if it was only a short piece.

[pidgetyy]

My application for The Underpass, a roleplay hosted by @fireflythenightlight (and which I found through my dear friend @validwofjobs). Legacy is a mostly-human, slightly-pheonix girl who loves planning ahead, making new friends, and her two identical pet giant geckos, Lychee the pet leachie and Guinep the familiar leachie-salamander. The rest about her can be found in these incoming walls of text under the cut!

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Backstory- 

Legacy grew up with an older and younger sister, the treasured “only son” of her parents, especially her father. Her name, before she realized she wasn’t a boy and chose a new name for herself, was Terrence. Her family lived in an apartment above a pet reptile store, run by her father. She got her familiar, Guinep, as well as her beloved pet, Lychee, when she was 8. She bonded with Guinep especially as her familiar, but the identical Lychee received plenty of love too, and in the first few years she had trouble telling apart the identical and closely bonded New Caledonian Giant Geckos by anything other than their temperament- Guinep was very calm, but Lychee tended to be a lot more snappish. Lychee followed Guinep’s lead in warming up to Legacy quickly, but remains a little aggressive towards strangers. 

Legacy was almost 15 when she finally admitted to herself that she didn’t think she was really a boy, after two years of suppressing and refusing to believe her own feelings. She began to grow her hair out, and stared longingly at the girl’s section of stores, but didn’t dare to expose her identity to her parents, whose reactions she couldn’t predict in the slightest. After about a year and a half of planning and psyching herself up, she finally had the guts to come out to her parents. The fallout didn’t come to the extremes she’d read many a horror story of online, of physical abuse or conversion therapy, but her parents still refused to acknowledge her preferred pronouns or name, and began to threaten homeschooling her, to keep “their only son” away from “the influence of those queer friends of yours.” She refused to be homeschooled, and her parents responded that, if she insisted on this, then they wouldn’t be paying college tuition for a daughter they didn’t have. Upset to say the least, she haphazardly packed the belongings she thought of first and could fit in her backpack, and left. It was the largest decision she had made in her life, and it was completely unplanned.

Her grandma on her mother’s side lived in a small house halfway across the city, and Legacy hoped her parents hadn’t shared the news with her about her identity, because she couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. It came as a surprise not that her grandmother knew, but she actually accepted Legacy, scoffing and asking her to “give me your real name, girl” when she introduced herself grudgingly as Terrence. For the next few months, she lived there happily, upset about some of the belongings she had forgotten to bring but definitely not willing to go back to her parents, who didn’t bother to come find her (after her grandmother had sternly told them over the phone not to come unless they were going to treat their daughter right). Her grandmother bought her real girl’s clothes, and even helped her dye her hair a bright shade of bubblegum pink she’d had her eyes on for months. She finished highschool a semester early, something she had already been planning to do since before coming out. Her grandmother, unfortunately, was starting to decline in her old age. She was in stage 4 of Alzheimer’s disease, beginning to get to stage 5, when she was finally deemed no longer able to care for herself and was placed in an elderly person’s home to be cared for. By that summer, Legacy was back on the streets, preferring them against going back to her parents.

She took a job as the sole member of the “Maintenance Crew” of a cafe/coffee shop in a slightly busier part of the city in order to pay for her own living necessities and her leachie’s. From age 17 to the start of rp, Legacy worked there, cleaning up spills, keeping tabs of what sanitary supplies needed restocking, and keeping the rest of the shop sanitary. She made use of the keys she had to the shop, coming in before dawn, and definitely before opening hours, to clean the shop and then to clean herself, and fix her hair to look presentable. On particularly cold nights, she would spend the night there, more to keep her beloved pets warm than for any other reason. Though her high body temperature was usually enough to keep herself and the leachies warm, she didn’t want to risk any of them getting sick on especially stormy or windy winter nights. Most nights, she would instead find a friend happy to lend a couch for the night, or a fellow homeless person she trusted enough to watch her back while she slept next to, for safety reasons.

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Personality-

Legacy is a generally cautious and consistent person. She sticks to her daily routine and her plans rather than acting spontaneously without thought. Unexpected changes and surprises are strongly disliked, because she hates being unprepared for something and sometimes has trouble dealing with surprise changes to her own plans because of that. Besides not being a big fan of practical jokes, she tries not to act outwardly uptight or prissy in social situations, even if her careful organization, tidiness and plans may make her seem like it. Most people wouldn’t pinpoint her as a homeless kid if they saw her, because she dedicates a considerable amount of time and money to making herself look very clean and neat. Half of the backpack she wears is filled with two other outfits, which she mixes-and-matches often. When she feels like a fashion change is in order, she’ll donate some clothes and buy new replacements for them at a local clothing exchange store. 

Her careful and well-put-together nature stems from a deep fear of making mistakes. Legacy hates the thought that she might make some mistake, do something wrong that could ruin her life as it is now, or change it beyond recognition (even if the change was for the better). So instead, she chooses inactivity. Though she could probably find a permanent place to live if she got a second job and saved carefully, she doesn’t, and instead spends most of her paycheck on unnecessary things like new clothes when she no longer needs it to buy food and water for her and her pets. She waited and planned for over a year to come out to her parents, and it still didn’t end well, so now she just tries to avoid taking any risks like that again (besides hiding her gender- she’s definitely done doing that. She presents as female and uses her real, chosen name. Most people don’t even realize she wasn’t born a girl). Legacy prefers to be a follower in social situations, rather than a leader. That way, she’s less likely to take the brunt of the consequences if a wrong decision is made. Safer. She prefers being safe, and right now her routine and life is safe and predictable, so she doesn’t see a need to change it or plan to end up anywhere else in her life.

Her caution about life decisions and other areas doesn’t quite extend to the social side of her life, however. Legacy’s a people person and a definite extrovert. She likes to surround herself with new friends at any chance she gets, and has a great memory for faces and personal details. Since middle school, she hasn’t forgotten a friend’s birthday or favorite color. Stranger’s opinions generally don’t have the power to change your whole life around, so with that low-risk assessment of friendship Legacy goes at making friends with a sort of wild abandon. Her charisma isn’t exactly impressive, but that doesn’t matter when she can just walk away and try again with someone else if the first person doesn’t seem to like her all that much. Even though she could listen to details about a person she barely knows for hours, and loves to learn new details about anyone, she’s dismissive of people’s opinions, especially if they’re about her. Few people have ever managed to become such an ingrained part of Legacy’s life as to earn the title of “Friend I actually care about and will make an effort not to lose.” Legacy shows up at many a party, flitting between groups for a while usually before finding someone she likes enough to hang out with for the rest of the night or couch-crash with, but refuses to get any farther than slightly tipsy even if the drinks are free. Being drunk is far too risky a thing for her to ever have attempted, even as tempting as it sometimes was. Party-going and friend-making are a few items on the short list of things she rarely, if ever, plans for.

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Extra Facts™-

-She is, by a small percentage, a Phoenix hybrid (1/8th, or 12.5 percent to be precise) by her great-grandmother on her mother’s mother’s side. She doesn’t have the identifying wings because of her lack of more phoenix-hybrid ancestors, but does have the noticeably higher body temperature and small flame-producing ability. She doesn’t have a ton of control over the flames, and they’re likely to appear, purposefully or not, when she’s feeling strong emotions.

-her favorite color is, by far, pink. Second is light green.

-Partially because of favorite-color influence, partially because of its sweet flavor, her favorite food is watermelon.

-She isn’t a vegetarian, but she generally doesn’t like meat very much. 

-She wishes she had the spare money to afford an instrument. Legacy used to play the flute in her middle school band, and loved it, but she left it behind in her parent’s house.

-Lawful neutral

-She’s a Libra (her birthday is September 28th)

[recentanimenews]

The Beauty of Takako Shimura's Queer Slice-of-Life

Fumi takes Sugimoto's hand

  When I was a teen, I wanted stories that “represented me.”

Or — let’s say it differently. I was growing up and my tastes were maturing with me.

I never really considered myself much of a fan of slice-of-life anime. To be honest, I didn’t see the appeal in watching characters do the same things I could in real life, right now. But that quickly changed when I became familiar with the work of Takako Shimura.

  Shimura’s manga mostly centers on the lives of LGBTQIA+ adolescents. Tonally, her work draws heavily from the slow burn of classic novels like Jane Austen’s Emma or Higuchi Ichiyo’s Takekurabe. Despite writing about children and teens, Shimura’s stories are rife with psychological richness and an acute attention for age-appropriate sensibilities. That’s to say that before I read any of Shimura’s manga, I didn’t see much value in stories that, on the surface, didn’t have any world-shattering stakes.

Nitori writes notes for Romeo and Juliet late at night

  Of Shimura’s manga, two have been adapted into anime so far: Sweet Blue Flowers and Wandering Son. Adapted in 2009, Sweet Blue Flowers is a yuri series following two teen girls as they navigate their feelings for each other and their peers. Wandering Son, adapted in 2012, is a coming-of-age story about two transgender adolescents in middle school. Shimura simultaneously published both manga series, with Wandering Son beginning in 2002 and Sweet Blue Flowers in 2004. Both concluded serialization in 2013.

What are the stakes in telling these otherwise mundane slice-of-life stories with queer characters? Under their pastel and watercolor aesthetic, I quickly learned both of these adaptations promised something far more fulfilling than pure warm fuzzies: realistic, and emotionally poignant portraits of a fully realized queer childhood.

“Heathcliff, it's me, I'm Cathy”

Sugimoto texts Fumi

  Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights is a classic novel all about tragic love. Sweet Blue Flowers is a similar story: sensitive and bookish Fumi Manjōme comes to the world-changing realization she is a girl who likes girls. And her dear childhood friend, Akira "Acchan" Okudaira, who attends the prestige Fujigaya Girls Academy, doesn’t have the slightest clue. Fumi is tall and has a soft voice; Akira is short and can be heard from miles away. Set in historical and beautiful Kamakura, Sweet Blue Flowers has a cozy literary vibe that reminds me of curling up with Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women as a kid. Literature itself is a recurring theme throughout the series — with Wuthering Heights and The Little Prince constantly referenced, it’s hard not to feel like this high school puppy love tale has something bigger to say about the world at large.

  Sweet Blue Flowers only covers parts of the manga, so you will have to read the series to find out how and if Fumi and Akira get together. But the anime wonderfully covers one of my favorite arcs: Fumi’s relationship with the heartthrob senior Yasuko Sugimoto, who is cast as Heathcliff in Fumi’s school play. For as much as the series is implicitly about Fumi and Akira, Sugimoto’s strenuous relationship with her family and her sexuality get lots of compelling screen time. The two have a dramatic kiss in the school library and lots of pining. But Sugimoto is hopelessly capricious and after Fumi falls for her, both get humiliated by Sugimoto’s family after she attempts to introduce Fumi as her girlfriend.

Sugimoto's sister chides her for relationship with Fumi

It’s a complicated scene. Fumi and Sugimoto are sitting while one of Sugimoto’s three sisters backtracks Sugimoto’s confession and asks if she really is a lesbian — if she really loves Fumi right now, really. Fumi is embarrassed and Sugimoto is scandalized, rushing up to her room to sulk and eventually breaking up with Fumi right then and there. It’s about as bad of a family introduction as you can get, and frustrated and confused, Fumi leaves and wonders what such a disastrous outcome could possibly mean for her romantic life.

To be honest, I was a little shocked. Rather than take the easy and escapist route, Sweet Blue Flowers isn’t afraid to take the reality of discrimination and family disapproval head-on. Thankfully, it isn’t so tragic that Fumi gives up on dating forever. We see real character growth from Fumi, who at a later point builds up enough confidence to tell Sugimoto that her behavior was wrong and that she’s much happier without her. There are even hints that Fumi and Akira might date. Shimura’s depiction of Fumi gradually becoming aware of her identity as not only a lesbian — but as a young adult capable of maturely advocating for her own needs — is one of the most exciting things I’ve seen in an anime about young LGBTQIA+ life.

  “What’s In a Name?”

Nitori accidentally runs into Takatsuki on a bridge after running away

  Wandering Son is sometimes clumped together with a genre called “gender-benders” — a story where the protagonist is a boy who becomes a girl or vice versa. That comparison has always been both funny and fascinating to me. Funny, because older series like Ranma ½ definitely have something to say about gender in their own roundabout way. But fascinating and true to the spirit of Wandering Son as well. This idea of one day “switching genders” is the only way young protagonist Shuichi Nitori can even begin imagining a future as a girl. It’s the wonderful opening of a door.

Unlike Sweet Blue Flowers, which draws from a well-established tradition of conventional yuri tropes, Wandering Son is an anomaly simply for being about transgender life in Japan. The anime adaptation picks off with Nitori and friend Yoshino Takatsuki, a masculine “girl who wants to be a boy” entering middle school. Early in the series, Takatsuki and Nitori have already made a habit of going on day trips into the next town over in clothes suiting their chosen gender identities. Takatsuki makes friends with Yuki, an adult trans woman who inevitably ends up becoming a mentor for both Takatsuki and Nitori. They shop for cute clothes, browse at gender-affirming underwear, and just hang out. Up to this point, the two middle schoolers are oblivious of the LGBTQIA+ community and innocently enough, frame their coincidental feelings as simply wanting to “switch genders” — a sentiment at odds with the realities of nearing puberty.

  "It's a play where you and I are the stars ... A play that represents my wish. Where a male Takatsuki and a female me live happily ever after with the people we care about."

  All the while, Nitori and classmate Saoirin are busy writing a "gender-bent" school production of Romeo of Juliet. This plot point is a loving reference to the Takarazuka Revue, Shimura’s love for literature, and Nitori’s colorful conceptualization of gender identity. I like to think this is a means appropriate for middle schoolers who don’t have an adult’s vocabulary to address the fantasy of “gender-bender” stories versus actual lived realities. It’s an incredibly smart way to simultaneously navigate the story from these character's ages, and to ask the older viewer directly: What assumptions do you make about gender and what do you take for granted about it?

  Even though Wandering Son doesn’t capture the entire scope of Nitori and Takatsuki’s adolescence, I think that’s okay. The real sweetness of slice-of-life anime is exactly what it says on the can. The series makes no overt gestures as to whether or not these kids will transition, leaving it ambiguous and open-ended. But besides that, it’s also a story about navigating temperamental middle school friendships, siblings, and getting into petty classroom fights. At the end of the day, Wandering Son is a deeply sympathetic but not overly idyllic or nostalgic depiction of childhood. For as much saccharine Nitori and Takatsuki have to offer, they are both anxious and afraid about what their future holds. They are learning just like us.

Dream A Little Dream Of Me

Acchan comforts Fumi

What can we get from shows essentially about doing homework, being in the school play, getting dumped by your first girlfriend, and going through puberty? Not some otherworldly enlightenment but something far more mundane: learning that most of us, regardless of sexuality or gender identity, are just normal people. Even more — that there isn’t anything inherently scandalous or “adult” about being an LGBTQIA+ youth. Everyone’s story deserves to be told.

Shimura’s world is exactly the kind of fiction I wish I had access to as a fed-up teen. Sure, there’s something widely liberating about seeing yourself depicted in the media, but it only begins there. Seeing protagonists like Nitori and Fumi gradually become more confident in themselves helped me realize the real stakes of slice-of-life dramas: even if we think we’re grown-up, we always have a little bit more growing to do.

    Blake P. is a weekly columnist for Crunchyroll Features. He likes old mecha anime, computer games, books, and black coffee. His twitter is @_dispossessed. His bylines include Fanbyte, VRV, Unwinnable, and more.

Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features!

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[robronsecretsanta]

a madness to the method

(AO3)

Rating: E

For @notforonesecond . Merry Christmas! From your Secret Santa. May this bring you as much joy as your presence on here brings me.

:::::

He stands there, script page in hand and a growing pit in his stomach, as Robert Sugden walks up to him with a grin.

“What you waiting for? Get your kit off.”

:::::

It’s his third big role, but the first one that actually means something, Aaron having acted in a couple of big-budget blockbuster films to date; the last two even giving him some lines and some stunts, the latter of which he’d done himself. But so far most of his career has involved plenty of little-known stage work and a few well-received indies, as well as a particularly popular episode of Black Mirror.

He’s fairly certain that’s what landed him this script, his wide body of emotionally driven work. Not every day a Frank Clayton production sends a part your way. Not every day Harriet Finch is attached to direct. (Aaron’s pretty sure he’s one of the few people who’s seen the entirety of her oeuvre, even purchased some of the early stuff on DVD, forcing his best mate Adam to sit through whole movie marathons of her work, dissecting every shot inch by inch.)

The film’s a period piece about two young men who fall in love as a war looms over them; two lovers star-crossed in one of the worst ways possible. Both stuck going to war terrified the other won’t come home. Only they do, if not a little emotionally scarred and a little physically injured. The reunion is emotionally sweet and full of hope — exactly the kind of story Aaron wishes he could have grown up with. Because sometimes a happy ending really makes a difference. He’d almost learned that hard way.  

“You sure you want to do this?” His mother asks, curled up on his sofa in his flat in North London and peaking up at him with big brown eyes through dark, bit-too-long bangs. “People might start asking whether you’re gay, love.”

Aaron understands her concerns and where she’s coming from. Doesn’t stop him from shrugging them off and holding firm to the feeling in his gut.

“Let them,” he says, lips downturned at the corners as he paces across the living room determinedly. “Not got anything to hide, have I?”

Despite all his bravado, there’s a flicker of doubt. If this somewhat calculated risk doesn’t pan out, it could be the end of the upward trajectory of his acting career. For all it’s progress on the LGBTQIA-depiction front, Hollywood itself isn’t as accepting of openly queer actors. And while Aaron won’t miss the perks of rising fame at all, he will miss getting to work on more interesting projects or movies, like this one.

Still, Aaron Dingle has never been a liar, and he’s not going to start now. Especially when it comes to his sexuality.

:::::

His agent, a no-nonsense woman named Priya, approves of his decision immediately. She knows he’s gay, has known from the start. But it’s never affected her decision to take him on as a client. (It’s one of the reasons Aaron’s stuck with her so long; tying his rising star to her job.)

“You’ve certainly got the talent and the range to pull this off,” she states and it feels less like a dream and more like reality. “With Finch directing it, this could become potential Oscar material. This part’ll definitely get you noticed.”

Aaron smiles and nods along, because that is nice he supposes. He’s just glad the production company don’t want yet another audition, or even a chemistry read with his yet-to-be-announced co-star. He’s sick of them at this point.

“Who’s the other lead?” He asks, fingers picking at each other, left knee bouncing in the chair. He’s about ready to leave Priya’s office. But the second he hears her answer, he’s stuck bolted to his seat. His mind reeling with the news of it.

Robert Sugden.

:::::

To say he’s heard of Robert Sugden is the understatement of the century. If anything, he’s the one responsible for Aaron’s sexual awakening.

Like most teenage boys his age, he’d been obsessed with the Transformers movies. Only unlike his best mate Adam, he didn’t fall asleep and wake up hard to thoughts of the hot female lead. No, despite his best attempts at the time, his mind always drifted to the slightly older but also teenaged Robert Sugden; the son of a famous actor who’d also made it big quite young, starring in at least two popular TV series. (In hindsight, Aaron’s desire to purchase and put up a shirtless poster of Robert on his bedroom wall should have been a big hint as to his nascent gayness. But like all sexually confused teenagers he’d managed to convince himself he was more into the trucks instead; that he wanted to be Robert Sugden, not be with him.)

He’d spent a full summer when he was 15 watching his way through Robert’s early work, bingeing that one popular science fiction series where he and a group of teens investigated strange paranormal phenomena at their English boarding school. A part of him had come alive when a body-swap episode had caused Robert’s character’s body to be a possessed by a female friend’s, resulting in him kissing and making out with her boyfriend who’d been played by Pete Barton. (Aaron had spent the ensuing weeks reading and rewatching everything to with those few minutes of airtime, refusing to let anyone play over his recording. He’d worn out the tape till it could play no longer.)  

The first time he’d come was a few weeks later, Robert’s name on his lips as he’d pictured being kissed by him, his hand moving up and down the length of his naked shaft faster and faster; rock hard and aching at just the thought of him.

Robert. Fucking. Sugden.

What are the odds?

He doesn’t know whether to quit the project or just die of mortification. How is he supposed to act against someone he’s had those kinds of thoughts about? (He’s never had limits for who you should love and be with. After all, that would be a tad hypocritical of him. But some lines shouldn’t be crossed, no matter the project, and he’s fairly convinced this is one of them.)

He mentions this to Adam when he comes over to play FIFA on the PS4 later, only his best mate doesn’t quite seem to get it. Though to be fair, he’s never really had to deal with this, has he?

“So what? You used to jerk off to him. Big deal!” Adam shrugs, cycling through the options and picking his players. “If I said I’d avoid every female celeb I did that with, I wouldn’t be able to work with any of them.”

Aaron makes a face, even if he does concede that Adam has a point — not that he’s out there having to act against… (He’s actually not sure who this week’s flavour of the month is. Adam’s feelings of attraction waxing and waning like the moon.)

“Though,” Adam says, turning to look at him when he’s satisfied with his choices. “His sister Victoria is pretty fit. Do you think you could get her number?”

Aaron tosses a cushion at his face. Leave it to Adam to miss the point completely.

It bounces off and falls onto Adam’s lap, he picks it up and places it beside him.

When he turns toward Aaron this time, he looks a lot more serious, an earnestness in his gaze that wasn’t there before.

“Listen,” he says, voice soft yet firm. “You’ve wanted to be in one of Finch’s movies ever since I’ve known ya. Don’t back out now just because of Sugden.”

Aaron nods, though he’s still not convinced. Adam must see it because he then adds, “You’ll do fine. You’re an amazing actor. That’s why they wanted you for this part, you know, instead of me.”

Aaron shoots him a look and Adam just shrugs. Turns his attention back to the TV screen as he says, “What? I’m a scene stealer. Everyone knows that.”

That triggers a laugh and when it’s over, Aaron feels a lot lighter. But even as they both accept their team and kit selections and start the game, his mind drifts back to a young, shirtless Robert…

:::::

He keeps the part after all, the announcement making some waves in the press. However, any intrusiveness into his personal life is circumvented by the latest news about Robert. Rumour has it that he’s up for consideration as the new James Bond. Aaron had laughed when he’d first read the news. But laying in bed, later that night, he can’t help but picture Robert in a trademark suit, smirking down the barrel of a gun, the way he’s become known for.

It’s enough to make him shaken and stirred — not that he lifts a finger to relieve himself of the dull, building throb. (If there’s one thing Aaron Dingle’s sure about, it’s that it’s impolite to pleasure oneself to the thoughts of an upcoming co-star. Even if they were the starring role in his teenage fantasies.)

He ends up taking a cold shower instead.

:::::

Meeting Harriet Finch is everything like he’d imagined, and yet nothing like it at all.

Aaron spends all morning practicing what he wants to say to her, pacing back and forth in his newly assigned trailer — which happens to be both bigger and more luxurious than he’d expected. None of the words of praise he’s wanted to lavish her with seeming right for the moment, or even worthy of her, but he keeps practicing all the same.

That’s why he’s thrown when she comes to see him, telling him how much she’d enjoyed his turn in a small play he’d done last summer as a favour to an old friend (and ex-boyfriend), Ed.

She smiles at him with kind, dark eyes and outlines the many ways in which he’d knocked that role out of the park, followed by his performance in those few movies and, of course, Black Mirror.

“I knew you were the right man for the part the moment I saw you,” she says, voice like a warm woollen blanket, the words wrapping him up in a cocoon of comfort. “You’ll make a marvellous ‘Thomas.’ I just know it. I’m glad to have you on this project.”

But just as he’s basking in the glow of her reassurance, she asks the dreaded question.

“Have you met Robert Sugden?”

:::::

If first meetings dictate how the rest of a working relationship might go, Robert and Aaron’s is already off to a really bad start.

He’d shown up to Robert’s trailer and gone in after knocking a few times, only to find him in the throes of being orally pleasured.

Aaron hadn’t recognised the woman, just seen the back of her head, as she’d kneeled in front of Robert and blown him. Robert was sitting on the edge of his trailer’s bed and leaning back, both arms supporting his weight across the still-made comforter. His shirt was unbuttoned and he’d got his leather jacket on, neck exposed as he half lay there jerking and groaning.

He’d seemed to sense Aaron because Robert had looked up at once, locking eyes across the short distance. He’d given him a long hard look, then flashed him a wink and a smile, before closing his eyes and coming into the woman’s mouth not very long after.

Cheeks reddening and more than a little shocked, Aaron had turned and bolted. He’d wanted to spare that poor woman the embarrassment of knowing he’d seen this happening, but more importantly, process it all himself.

Standing in his own trailer he wants to kick himself for being such a goddamn fool. The tabloids had been reporting this side of Robert Sugden for years on end. But Aaron had ignored them because that’s what you were supposed to do. (And maybe, he tries not to acknowledge as his heart continues to pound, because it had ruined his fantasy of Robert and his younger self.)

But for all his talent — and he has plenty of it — Robert Sugden has always been a bit of a playboy; has the ex-wife and half a dozen ex-girlfriends to prove it. The result of this is a respectable body of work, but no one noticing because of all the gossip. (Aaron had once suspected this was Robert trying to undersell himself, maybe a bit nervous of all the extended limelight. He’d grown up Jack Sugden’s son, had had to bear that mantle, while also carving a name for himself, with not much room for error.)

Any sympathy he’d once felt though, has now been stripped away, replaced with cold, hard knowledge. Robert Sugden actually enjoys behaving like this, and Aaron can’t believe he’d liked him.

As he starts pacing, his heart still racing, Aaron gets madder and madder. They’ve both been given a golden opportunity being cast in these roles, and it’s something Robert wants to squander?

He’d wanted to walk away from this project because he’d been worried about his own personal hang-ups. Not wanting any former feelings for Robert to affect his performance. But now all he can think about is Robert’s smile and his wink, as if showing off his sexual prowess to Aaron.

This feels good, and I made that happen. Maybe I can do that for you as well?

Aaron growls, feels like punching something nearby, hating the small part of him that had kind of enjoyed it; that place deep within himself that still tends a tiny flame devoted to Robert Sugden; that place that had enjoyed watching him come.

It’s not your fault, Aaron tells himself, trying to banish the recent memory from his mind — though he’d spent years picturing and imaging exactly that. Him blowing Robert and feeling him coming under him, his palms flat against his thighs. (Sometimes he’d imagine the flip of it too. Him coming apart in Robert’s hands, his mouth smirking as Aaron comes right into it.)

He’s just managed to get rid of it, when he hears a dry chuckle, spins around to find Robert standing in his trailer, blue shirt all buttoned and jeans up and belted, like that midday blowjob hadn’t happened.

He smiles at him, blue-green eyes glittering, “So I take it you’re Aaron Dingle.”

It sends a thrill up his neck, short hairs lightly lifting, at the prospect of Robert Sugden saying his name. But then annoyance sets in as that memory comes back and Aaron grunts his affirmation.

“What do you want?”

Robert doesn’t seem deterred, doesn’t even seem to clock his rudeness. Just smiles at him like he said something funny. “To apologise. That wasn’t how I’d pictured our first meeting.”

“Why? You plan on having your cock in someone else’s mouth?” Aaron fires back, a little shocked that Robert had ever given meeting him any thought.

Robert’s eyes widen at the accusation, but whatever it is that came over him passes because he laughs and clears his throat. “No. Wasn’t planning to, actually. Just wanted to tell you what a big fan I am.”

His eyes flit away, and his smile kind of softens. Robert looks back at Aaron. “And that I’m looking forward to us working together.”

If Aaron hadn’t seen what he’d seen, he’d believe every word of this, Robert coming across well-meaning and earnest. But then he remembers just how good of an actor his co-star-to-be really is and snorts. “Nice try. Hope you’re better on camera.”

Robert winces at that, but his smile remains, even if it’s starting to look a little brittle.

“I’m sorry about what happened, alright?” Robert says, frustration colouring his voice at the edges. Aaron can see that this really is paining him; Robert not that good of an actor. “Let’s start over.”

He takes a step forward and holds out his hand. “Hi. I’m Robert Sugden.”

Aaron ignores it, crosses his arms across his chest.

“I know who you are,” he spits out.

Robert looks confused, studies him further before withdrawing his hand and eventually letting it drop. He puts it in his jacket pocket and renews his smile at Aaron. It’s just as small and soft as earlier.

“I’m trying, you know,” he says and Aaron can feel himself willing to give him that inch, to soften and forgive Robert so they can start over. But then he thinks about how smug and cocky he’d been just before he’d come right in front of him, and a wave of pulsing, hot annoyance shoots right through him.

“Then try harder,” Aaron half-growls, taking a small step further. And then, “And maybe try keepin’ your dick to yourself.”

:::::

Production kicks off without any further hitches, and he quickly gets to know the rest of their cast and crew — even becoming friends with a production assistant named Ellis.

Though most of the time Aaron just stays put in his trailer, constantly rehearsing and working on his character.

Harriet seems happy with his performance so far, giving him any extra takes he wants to do. But Aaron hasn’t been able to get in a groove that makes him truly happy; where he has an understanding of his character inside and out.

From the script, his own chat with Harriet, and the homework he’s done, he knows “Thomas James” to be a straightforward fellow, a little tentative, but earnest with his feelings.

He’s a farmer who owns and works his own farm, before one day he runs into Felix, his new and struggling neighbour. Felix’s family has lost most of their estate; bad debts and investments before the beginnings of the war hit. All they have now, is this one farm to their name, and Felix, a city boy — or rather, man — through and through has no clue how to run it.

Unable to stand it, Thomas steps in to help him, and Felix promises to do his accounts in trade. Thomas agrees, the spark between them growing and burning brighter.

Robert and he have played and shot a handful of those initial scenes, mostly set up for the rest of the story. But as their characters have seemed to find an easy camaraderie, there barely exists one between them.

For his part, Robert hasn’t really paused his efforts to win Aaron over, always making jokes and trying to give him an opening. Internally, Aaron struggles not to let go and give in, not having run into Robert with his cock down someone else’s throat since.

He doesn’t understand how Robert can just switch into his role and then right out of it, a slippery fish if there ever was one. He throws on Felix’s skin like it’s one of those button-up shirts he so favours, constantly remaining in costume longer than needed. (Aaron actually doesn’t mind that because it’s easy on the eyes and for their characters, Robert wearing 1920 period garb like he was born for it.)

Felix is smart and inept, but also charming and funny, a gay man in his shell, with no real interest in marriage. Just a blushing eye turned towards Thomas.

And that’s the part that kind of stings in their scenes, because it’s in those moments that Aaron feels he can really see the Robert he once had a crush on; a hint of him shining through.

It’s in Robert’s small smiles and the soft in his eyes, the blue-green of them a warm summer ocean.

But then Harriet says, “Cut” and it all disappears, Robert’s eyes growing cooler, his body more indifferent; tensed and held in a way he doesn’t when he’s Felix, like he’s holding a deep breath in.

That’s the first thing Aaron notices as they take a break before they shoot their first big scene, a first kiss where both men realise their mutual attraction.

They’re standing in a field, where Felix’s tractor has broken down, and Thomas has ridden up in his horse to help fix it.

As Aaron walks through the wet grass, his period accurate boots and jeans sinking into the mud a little, he gets his first glimpse of Robert.

His shirt sleeves are rolled back and his brow is plastered with sweat. He’s clearly been out in a full afternoon of labour.

They go through the dialogue, Felix directing Thomas to the back of the tractor, some kind of malfunction trapped within it. Thomas gives it a look, and Aaron produces a short grunt of surveyance, really giving it a decent study.

Then exhaling slowly he offers Thomas’ suggestion, that sometimes you just need to push it. He does as he says, and gives the tractor a shove, before letting his knees soften and himself fall forward in the muck.

Above him, he can hear Robert’s laughter bursting forth loud and clear, and he knows instantly it’s not his acting as Felix. He turns to his side and shoots Robert a dirty look, but in his chest his heart skips a beat at it.

Finally springing into action Felix leans forward and offers Thomas a hand, Robert bending and extending his hand out. The laughter still shines in his eyes, even if it’s not coming out his lips, his breath still short and him still panting.

Something surges in Aaron and he feels Thomas’ quiet sense of humour, reaches up and pulls Robert down towards him.

Robert captures all of Felix’ (and probably some of his own) surprise, his own knees bending as he falls atop Aaron; the hard firmness of his limbs utterly unexpected, and yet fitting against him perfectly.

He’s now laying on his back in the mud, feeling the cold soak into his tough warm denim, the flannel of his shirt doing little to protect him. But none of that matters as Robert gazes down at him, both their chests pressed together.

The script says this is where Felix kisses Thomas, too physically close for any more doubted restraint. Only Robert hasn’t moved, just keeps on laying there, mere centimetres away, his eyes trained down on Aaron’s lips, as if frozen by disbelief and nervousness.

Probably just nervous about kissing another man, Aaron thinks, flashing back to Robert kissing Pete Barton, and the way his hands had cupped his face. Probably worried that this time someone might think he’s gay.

Deep inside Aaron, something aches. He lets out a small, frustrated huff, his head relaxing back into the wet dirt, resigning himself to a long wait.

And then it’s like something snaps, because Robert leans forward, lunging for his lips with everything he has; his tongue barely waiting as Aaron’s lips part. (They hadn’t rehearsed this, or even really discussed it. Aaron not wanting to spend more time around Robert than entirely necessary.)

But as he lays here now, Aaron can’t help but give himself over to it, letting Robert’s fingers skim his sides before they bunch up in the warmth of his flannel shirt, his hands finding their way onto Robert’s lower back and his hair. He holds Robert’s head firm as he deepens the kiss. His co-star isn’t the only one who can improvise.

He doesn’t feel the lack of oxygen until the tail end of a groan, too deep into it to know if it’s from him or Robert.

When they pull apart both of them are panting. Robert’s gaze comes back up and they lock eyes again, a lock of his blonde hair dropping onto Aaron’s forehead, as his breath continues to tickle his lips; both wet and a little blitzed.

Deep in the depths of Robert’s green and blues, Aaron sees a spark of searching nervousness and hesitation. He brushes that bit of hair back almost without thinking; an unconscious act of soothing.

He can hear Robert’s breath hitch at the feel of his thumb pad on his skin, sees the way his eyes drop back down to Aaron’s lips. No longer nervous, and still barely thinking, Aaron leans up and presses another kiss to his lips, this time a more sweet and chaste one.

When he pulls back, Robert still has his eyes closed, almost cute in his stunned still surprise. Aaron finds himself smiling and recording this picture mentally; filled with the desire to go back in time and tell himself, “We kissed Robert Sugden!”

Robert opens his eyes and a second later Harriet yells, “Cut!” Aaron can’t help but feel interrupted.

What did you want to say? He wants to ask, as they both get to their feet. Aaron barely makes an attempt to clean himself off. He knows he needs a good shower.

Next to him, Robert seems to be avoiding his eyes, focusing a little too hard on dusting his pants off. Aaron tries not to spend too much time admiring his bum in the process.

They’re walking off set, when Robert makes the joke, voice flippant and tone just insulting.

“Feel like hitting a strip club, eh?” He says with what is meant to be a playful nudge. “Need to see some naked tits, pronto.”

It shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, this being a movie and all, but it still stings hard and deep all the same.

Aaron feels hot anger come over him without much warning, and he explodes back at Robert in a rage.

“All of this is just one big joke to ya, isn’t it?” He practically spits out the words in a low, angry growl as he shoves Robert backwards into a nearby trailer.

He doesn’t care if anyone’s nearby, or if they even see him. All he can see and hear is Robert.

“These are people’s lives,” he continues, the line of his right forearm held against Robert’s chest, constricting the way he breathes slightly. “Do you even get that?”

“It’s just a joke,” Robert answers, sounding both defensive and soft.

Aaron couldn’t give a toss about it.

“Excuse me if I don’t think bein’ gay is funny,” he fires back, leans in a little and lets the anger radiate off his face, hoping Robert gets the message.

Apparently, he does, because his eyes just widen, and then he’s saying, “Aaron, I’m sorry. I didn’t-“

He knows he’s not exactly hiding his sexuality, but Aaron isn’t really advertising it either, so it sends him reeling back the second he realises Robert has figured out he’s gay.

He stands there panting, anger being replaced by panic, the air evacuating his lungs just as his heart takes residence in his ears.

He turns and walks away before his balance decides to go, can feel his knees weakening with each step he takes; thinks he hears Robert calling at him in the distance.

Calling him because he knows this thing about him.

Calling him because he knows he’s gay.

Shit.

:::::

He’s exiting his trailer when he runs into Robert again. Aaron almost bolts the instant he sees him — only to realise he’s blocking his way.

“Aaron, wait,” Robert pleads, looking up at him from the bottom of those short metal stairs. Aaron almost turns around and goes back inside.

But then he notices that Robert is still in his costume — which is not too much of a surprise — but it’s a sign that he’s been waiting outside this entire time. As much as he doesn’t want to, Aaron knows he must honour that. From what he’s seen, Robert Sugden does that for no one.

“You going to invite me inside?” Robert asks when he sees Aaron willingly to stick around in his trailer doorway.. His attempt at a teasing smile fades when he gets Aaron’s answer.

“Whatever you want to say in there, you can say out here.” Aaron crosses his hoodie-covered arms across his chest, retaining the warmth within it.

Robert nods, and takes one step higher, making this whole conversation a little more private. Aaron can smell him, even standing a few inches away; the intermingled scent of mud and sweat and Robert. (The note is slightly floral but kind of muted like Lavender, but Aaron can’t be sure because he doesn’t know flowers.)

“Sorry I made those jokes earlier,” Robert says softly, and Aaron can see that he’s being absolutely serious. “I don’t think being gay is funny…”

Aaron doesn’t say anything, just keeps on watching. He can see that Robert is on the edge of something.

After what feels likes very long pause, it finally drops. “… because I’m actually bisexual.”

He can’t seem to meet Aaron’s eyes as he says that, his cheeks going pink as he looks away and to the left. Standing this close Aaron can feel the tension radiating off of him in waves, coming over him in rapid succession.

Aaron swallows, not sure what exactly to make of it; his teenage dreams all coming true in an instant. So he bites his tongue and holds back his first three replies, and then offers the one he feels is most supportive.

“Thanks for telling me,” he says and he finds that he means it. He’s actually a little touched by Robert’s choice to trust him.

“Figured it was the least I owe you,” Robert says with a shy smile, and for a second Aaron really feels like he’s looking at Felix.

His inner Thomas makes him return it.

“That why you wanted to do this movie?” Aaron asks when the moment eventually passes. It’s a big question he knows, but he needs an answer.

“No, actually,” Robert explains with a chuckle, something raw and unguarded about him now. Like he’s been acting this entire time Aaron has known him.

“I’m a big fan of hers,” Robert says with an excited smile. “She was my mum’s favourite director.”

Aaron gets it and gives him a nod. “Yeah, I’m a big fan myself.”

Robert grins at this little piece of information, a bigger reward than he was expecting.

“Guess this means we should definitely be friends,” Robert suggests, shyness still lacing his voice. “Don’t know many people who’ve even heard of Harriet.”

Aaron studies Robert, takes the entirety of him in, considers it and then shrugs. “Guess you’re not a complete idiot.”

Robert’s smile when he says that is radiant.

:::::

That night he dreams of Robert, the same one he’d had when he was fifteen. Only this time his brain fills in all the missing details.

He needs another shower in the morning.

:::::

Things improve on set by a thousandfold. Robert’s one-sided jibes giving way to Aaron returning them, both of them ribbing and teasing each other between takes. Robert somehow becomes a mainstay on his trailer’s sofa, as they hang out a lot more between scenes, running lines and even whole scenes together.

They seem to have found a quiet understanding when it comes to each other and their space.. (Though, coming out to each other does that, Aaron supposes.)

It’s crazy, but he genuinely thinks it makes both of their scenes better. Both of them now freer with how they move and touch each other. Aaron had once read somewhere that it has to do with the language of how queer people sometimes act and speak; a quiet understanding of how love can be writ across their bodies. He doesn’t know how much he agrees with that exactly. But he does feel it when Robert hugs him as Felix.

It’s a gentle gesture, Robert coming from behind and embracing him around the waist, one hand coming up to rest over Aaron’s heart. Aaron presses those fingers close to his chest, letting Robert feel the steady rise of his heartbeat as he sinks back into him; Thomas leaning into Felix.

They stand like that in silence for a moment longer, Robert’s chin on Aaron’s shoulder, both of them

bathing in the pale sunlight of a cool autumn morning, as filtered through the dusty windows of Thomas’ work shed.

It’s as they’re standing, silently breathing and hearts quickly beating that Aaron is seized by a sudden urge. Following the wave of it, he brings Robert’s fingers up to his lips, gently pressing a kiss on each knuckle as if soothing away newly-formed blisters — the results of Felix’ recent hard labour.

The moment his lips touch skin he hears Robert’s breath hitch, but it only guides him forward. He holds that last kiss longest, before pulling away and spinning them around, Robert’s back now pressing into the edge of Thomas’ workstation, their hands caught between them; Aaron’s fingers wrapped around Robert’s wrist, his thumb resting on his speeding pulse.

Robert for his part, seems to be trusting Aaron implicitly as he gazes down at Aaron first with surprise and then excitement. He smiles softly, clearly anticipating a kiss. Aaron smiles back and obliges him.

It’s completely unscripted and wholly them and yet none of it feels any bit of wrong. Aaron leans forward, slowly edging closer, his eyes locked into Robert’s. He hovers for a second, feels his breath bounce off Robert’s lips, then dips forward and claims them.

This kiss doesn’t progress as quickly as the first one did, Robert letting Aaron set the pace by which they go by. So he takes his time, focuses on nipping at Robert’s bottom lip; gentle kisses that should convey Thomas’ affections.

But then Robert’s hands start to slide across his back, pulling and holding him closer — only nothing about the gesture feels overtly sexual. It’s just two men standing and savouring the act of kissing, two men revelling in their affections.

They kiss a little longer, the pace still languid, Robert letting him take his sweet time, before Aaron decides to pause and not take it any further.

He pulls away, lets out his own small exhale — the matching one to Robert’s. He smiles at him, Robert returns it. Then with another small breath he leans his forehead against the other man’s; shuts his eyes and feels the feel of his skin against his own.

A few seconds pass, Robert still holding him close, Aaron feeling like he’s just survived a continuous free fall.

It’s in the middle of this that he hears Harriet’s quietly spoken words, “And that’s a wrap. Not going to get a better take than that one.”

:::::

He’s on his way off set when Robert catches up with him, grabbing his elbow to still him.

He doesn’t let go even when Aaron stops in place, only does when Aaron looks at him questioningly, despite the whole thing feeling natural.

“You doing anything later?” Robert asks, both hands in his leather jacket pockets, a leather messenger bag slung across his chest and shoulders. “Thought you might like to come over for a drink.”

Aaron considers it, gives it a long hard thought, but it must make Robert panic because he blurts out, “We can run lines or something.”

“Yeah, okay,” Aaron tells him, giving him a nod. And then, because he thinks Robert might have the wrong impression of him and he doesn’t at all like that.

“We don’t always have to work, you know. I do have other interests..”

Robert grins and nudges him in the side. Then he goes into an impression of Aaron.

“I’m Aaron Dingle and I think work is fun. If you don’t, then you’re a right idiot.”

Aaron tries not to, but he can’t stop himself chuckling, a little charmed by Robert’s intonation.

:::::

He finds that Robert’s home is nothing like he’d imagined, more lived in and comfortable than overly posh — though he has all sorts of shiny appliances in the kitchen. A mark of either a man who cooks, or just someone who likes the aesthetic. (Aaron is willing to bet it’s the first one.)

The bookshelves — of which there are two big ones — are stuffed to the gills, brimming with books threatening to fall off them. The walls, a nice calming shade of blue, are covered in posters paying homage to some of his favourite works of science fiction.

“Didn’t know you were such a nerd,” Aaron says when he’s got a drink in hand, as he looks up at a poster of The Xavier Files, the show he’d been more than a little obsessed with. Robert is standing front and centre as the star, his boarding school uniform fitting him flatteringly. (Aaron swallows, his blood growing warmer as he understands where certain fantasies might have originated from. He tries not to think about it in case he’ll need another cold shower. He’s already taken one before coming to this place.)

“You just don’t understand art,” Robert retorts, coming over to join him. He looks at the poster for a good second and then adds, “Or quality science fiction.”

Aaron snorts at that, unable to contain himself. “Think you’re using the term rather loosely. The ‘Gavoorians’? Come on.”

Robert looks at him in surprise, and maybe a hint of pleasure, as he says, “Don’t tell me youwatched it?”

Aaron goes red, feels his mouth turn dry, so he answers as honestly as he can, trying not to let the truth of the matter slip out even as he looks Robert in the eye.

“Might have caught an episode or two one summer,” he says, voice straining to remain casual. Then he adds, because he can’t help himself, “Saw the one where you kissed Pete Barton.”

Robert’s face goes from surprise to embarrassment to all-out amusement, barking a laugh with his neck tipped back, his shoulders relaxing and also dipping down. Aaron’s never seen him this joyful.

“What?” Robert says, growing suddenly conscious, his laughter fading and his body going still. His cheeks are pink as he studies Aaron.

“Nothing,” Aaron shrugs, voice above a whisper. His ears are hot, his pulse pounding. “Just wasn’t expecting this reaction, is all.”

“Well, it’s a bit of a surprise,” Robert explains, as if it all makes sense. “Didn’t think you’d have even heard of it, let alone watched it.”

“Why not? Because I don’t understand ‘science fiction’?” Aaron teases, oddly thrilled at subverting Robert’s expectations like this. “Don’t have to watch a lot to understand quality.”

“So you agree,” Robert smirks, nudging him with his elbow, a twinkle in his eye. “It is science fiction.”

Aaron snorts, nudges him back. “I suppose. But you’re really stretching the definition.”

They smile at each other, then go back to sipping their drinks, settling comfortably in the silence.

“I loved working on that show,” Robert says after quite a long beat, his voice holding a note of pride. But it’s quiet and with absolutely no hint of preening. “And kissing Pete wasn’t half bad either.”

Aaron feels his cheeks redden as he pictures it again, teenage Pete and Robert going at it.

“Did you have a crush on him, or something?” He looks down at the glass in his hand. He’d never thought he’d be having this conversation with Robert Sugden.

“God, no.” Robert shakes his head beside him. “Pete was pretty fit, but he’s pretty much as straight as they come.”

He waits a beat and then adds, “Decent kisser though.”

How about me? Am I decent too? Aaron wants to ask. But he just chuckles in amusement, enjoying this behind the scenes glimpse into one of his favourite episodes of television ever.

“But what about you?” Robert asks, turning his attention to Aaron. He finishes the last of his drink and asks, “Did you fancy him?”

His smile is conspiratorial and all kinds of knowing. His eyes are dark but inscrutable. Aaron’s cheeks redden despite himself, as he struggles not to blurt out, No. I fancied you, you idiot.

What he does manage to say, after a long moment of waiting, is, “Well, I wasn’t watching for the plot. Was I?”

It doesn’t feel like lying, because it is completely true. Though he does see the flash of something in Robert’s eyes. It disappears behind a laugh a moment later.

“No, I guess not,” Robert concedes, turning and walking over to the sofa. When he takes his seat, it’s with his legs spread wide, all the focus on his crotch. Aaron struggles to not let his gaze drift downward, keeping it trained on Robert’s face instead. And honestly, it’s worth it.

Robert’s smiling up at Aaron, buzzing with excitement. Aaron smiles back because it’s infectious.

“If you liked The Xavier Files, there’s a film you should check out,” he says, switching on his TV, Aaron no longer the focus of his attention. He pulls up Netflix, slowly searches through it, before he asks, “Have you seen The Cabin in the Woods?”

The way he’s looking at Aaron now is just pulling at all his heartstrings, an element of youth befalling all of Robert’s features. His eyes are sparkling, his smile is crooked, and his excitement is radiating off of him.

Robert Sugden: Horror fan.

“Uh, no, I haven’t,” Aaron says shaking his head to clear it. It wouldn’t do to fall for Robert Sugden again. Not when he’s a full-fledged adult. Not when he could accidentally act on it. (Aaron’s always has a rule against dating fellow co-stars or crew members. But no one’s been openly queer enough to test that — or even simply Robert Sugden.)

“Oh, you’re in for a treat,” Robert says patting the sofa seat beside him. Aaron glances at the screen where the movie is waiting, already cued up, then goes ahead and joins him. “Joss Whedon wrote and directed it.”

Even sitting next to Robert makes his heart rate spike, as does the warmth he feels from his proximity. Robert’s choice to sit in the middle of the sofa and almost spread himself out means he’s just a few fingers far away from Aaron, their hands centimetres apart on the same cushion; the dip caused by Aaron sitting causing Robert’s hand to slide a little closer to him.

He barely manages a nod when he hears Robert talk to him, asking him if he can start the movie. (He would have said yes, but his tongue has ceased to work. Another symptom of sitting next to Robert.)

The film begins and Robert reaches forward and places the remote on the coffee table and suddenly Aaron can focus once more; the thought of Robert accidentally touching him no longer playing on his mind, now free to enjoy the movie.

But as he watches the story of a group of friends — one played by Chris Hemsworth — who decide to spend a weekend in a cabin in the woods, there’s a growing sense of disappointment.

He quickly looks over to Robert’s hands in his lap, and starts to wish they were once again closer.

:::::

He doesn’t have to worry for very much longer, Robert reaching out and grabbing his forearm, when the movie presents its first real scare. Aaron isn’t expecting it, the move causing his heart rate to surge for the monster on screen itself, the feeling of warm, solid fingers clutching him clear even through thick fabric.

As it turns out Robert’s not a very passive watcher, constantly leaning over to make asides or jokes. But mostly it’s all facts he finds fun about the movie. (Aaron agrees. They’re actually quite interesting.)

It’s sweet, Aaron thinks, as he gets more and more invested, both fretting for the imperilled college students and watching Robert.

Gone is the tall and handsome actor who practically grew up in the limelight. In his stead sits a tall, handsome, and surprisingly knowledgeable genre film buff. He’s on the edge of his seat and mostly turned toward Aaron, a bit of a contrasting match to his own seating. (Aaron’s sat back, leaning on the right arm of the sofa, a little too tired to really make himself sit up properly.)

There’s another scare. Robert’s grip tightens. Aaron hides a chuckle at Robert’s expression, the shock of fear stealing the words out of his mouth. He’s left eyes wide, mouth open, and gaping. It’s almost as if this is his first time watching the movie.

Robert doesn’t seem to notice himself holding Aaron’s arm as the movie ticks on, and for his part, Aaron doesn’t alert him.

:::::

He’s enjoying the movie well enough when Robert excitedly tugs at his arm.

“This is my favourite part,” he says, before turning to look at Aaron, eyes crinkling in delight at the edges.

He’s not sure what it is in that moment — the steady warmth of Robert’s grip, the pinks of his cheeks undercutting his freckles, or the reminder of how much he used to want him — but there’s a swell in his chest and Aaron leans forward and steals a kiss from Robert.

His lips feel just like they have every other time, soft, firm, and tender. But unlike all those times they’ve kissed on camera, his co-star isn’t responding.

Panic sets in and Aaron instantly pulls back. He sees that Robert is frozen in surprise; lips barely puckered. Instantly, he realises he got carried away by his feelings, and so backtracks as quickly as possible.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, getting to his feet, Robert’s hand falling away in the process. The loss of warmth immediately starts to smart, Aaron already having gotten used to the feel of it.

“Aaron,” Robert starts, but he just cuts him off.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” Aaron swallows roughly unable to look at Robert again, his embarrassment turning his stomach. He feels like he might throw up. “Better go home now. Early call time tomorrow.”

With that, Aaron bolts out of the room and then out the front door all without waiting for another word from Robert.

:::::

He doesn’t sleep a wink that night, just replays the moment in his mind.

Each time it gets worse than before, Robert looking at him in shock bordering on disgust, green-blue eyes flashing. (Aaron knows objectively that Robert didn’t actually sneer at him, but emotionally he might as well have.)

This is what happens when you let your feelings get confused, Aaron chides himself, tossing and turning, his sheets all a tangle. This is why you can’t fall for your co-star.

By the time it’s morning he’s tenser than before. But at least he knows what to say to him.

:::::

He goes to Robert’s trailer before he goes to his own, knocking on the door once and then going right in.

Immediately he’s faced with an eyeful of half-naked Robert in snug boxer-briefs, pacing the space and going over his lines by himself.

Aaron loses his voice, his throat going dry. He just stands there in stunned silence. (He has actually seen Robert without a top on a few times before this, courtesy of a few of his movies. But like with all things, real life is proving better. He’d forgotten just how many freckles he has — and how much he used to want to count them.)

Robert notices him ogling him a few seconds later, and he pauses mid-pace. Just stands there frozen, script page in hand.

“Hi,” Aaron says, for lack of anything better. He smiles nervously, both his hands tucked in his coat pockets, watching Robert quietly.

“Hey,” Robert greets back, sounding almost relieved to see him. He doesn’t look like he’s slept either — probably trying to come up with ways with which to let Aaron down gently. Aaron swallows nervously.

At least you don’t have your cock out again, he wants to joke. But now hardly feels like the time for that.

“About yesterday,” Robert begins, taking a step forward, his tone already sounding apologetic.

Aaron takes that as his cue to take over, and so springs into action.

“It was a mistake,” he says matter-of-factly, having practiced this a few times coming in. “I got carried away. Forgot we’re not Felix and Thomas. Don’t worry it won’t happen again.”

Learned my lesson the hard way.

Robert’s brow is furrowing and he doesn’t seem too pleased. Probably because Aaron is issuing a gentle let down for him. He’d figured this was the easiest way to save face: to acknowledge his crime and issue an apology, save Robert the trouble of having to do any heavy lifting.

“Besides,” Aaron says, trying to lighten the mood, even though it’s absolutely twisting him inside. “Wouldn’t want any rumours ruinin’ ya chances, eh Mr. Bond?”

He offers him a smile, but it feels too watery and shallow. He’s barely able to keep his lips turned upward for long.

Robert’s expression doesn’t soften even a bit, just grows more dark and displeasured. He opens his mouth to say something, but before he can the trailer door swings open.

“Oh excellent,” Harriet states, coming in with a smile, happy to see both of them. “This should save me some time.”

She must sense the tension in the air, the trailer now thick with the smell of it. Her smile fades and she looks between them, then asks, “Everything alright?”

Aaron chances a glance at Robert and finds him looking almost inscrutable. (Though to be fair, his mind hasn’t moved on from the fact that he’s practically naked.)

“Just fine,” Aaron says, with another thin smile, this one a little easier than that first one.

He’s not sure if she believes him, but she does nod anyway, so he finds that to be heartening.

“There’s been a bit of a change in the shooting schedule, seeing as the weather forecast for today is a bit unexpected,” Harriet tells them, looking from Aaron over to Robert. “So we’re going to try and do today’s scenes tomorrow, and tomorrow’s stuff today. You fine with that?”

Aaron thinks real fast, runs through his memory, trying to figure out what tomorrow brings. He realises it a second later, his stomach sinking quickly, filled with dread about how they’re going to do this.

“Yeah, sure,” Robert replies, sounding quite casual, like what’s about to happen isn’t a big deal to him.

Aaron doesn’t know whether to be hurt or happy, so he just files it as a temporary win. He nods his acceptance when Harriet looks at him questioningly, then follows it up with a, “Should be fine.”

“Perfect! I’ll let the rest of the cast know, and I’ll get makeup in here first thing,” Harriet says, smiling in relief. “Why don’t you two work on any blocking you feel you might need? Especially since all of this is short notice.”

She turns and leaves, the door slamming shut behind her. Leaving nothing but aching silence.

When Aaron finally hazards a glance, he sees that Robert’s staring down at his script page, all focused like if he stares hard enough he can change what just happened.

“So do you want to…” Aaron starts, gesturing between them, unsure what else to say. He kicks himself mentally once again, for ruining any progress in the working relationship between them.

Robert sighs, long and deep, then says, “Suppose we can just figure it out when we both get there.”

He only looks at Aaron when he’s done talking, like he can’t bear to look at him.

Aaron nods his agreement. “Cool. Better get going then. Get into today’s ‘costume.’”

It’s meant to be a joke but Robert doesn’t respond. Just nods back at him pensively.

Aaron desperately wants to ask if everything’s alright between them, but he doesn’t want to make the situation any worse than it seems to be already.

“Yeah, great. See you on set,” Robert finally says, turning away, and walking towards the opposite end of his trailer. A non-verbal dismissal.

Aaron exits, then shuts the door, letting out a sigh as he leans back against it.

It was every bit as awkward as he’d expected — only now it’s been ratcheted up to a million. They’re going to need every single bit of their acting skills if they’re going to sell what’s about to happen. Because Aaron’s not sure how else he and Robert are going to get through the rest of this day, when they’ll both be shooting Thomas and Felix’ first sex scene.

:::::

He stands there, script page in hand and a growing pit in his stomach, as Robert Sugden walks up to him with a grin.

“What you waiting for? Get your kit off.”

The words hit him before the tone does, Robert’s voice sounding teasing but brittle. Aaron’s eyes shoot up towards him, and he sees that the smile on his face is nowhere near his eyes and he’s clearly keeping up pretences.

Right, of course, Aaron tells himself, after getting over the initial surprise of it. We’re all actors here. No point pretending.

It’s silly and it shouldn’t sting as much as it does but Aaron’s still aches at Robert’s reaction. It’s one thing to not be interested in his romantic advances, but it’s another thing to pretend they completely didn’t happen. (He knows it’s hypocritical to feel this way, seeing as he’d actually prayed they could do this last night. But now that he’s living the exact reality he’d hoped for, he knows to be careful what you wish for.)

Still, he smiles right back, feels it hurt to even do so, as he lobs back a response of his own. Both of them standing there in bathrobes.

“Why don’t you get yours off first?”

Robert’s eyes widen, but his smile never falters. Instead, he winks and says, loud enough for anyone standing close by to hear, “Looks like you’ll be getting your wish soon enough.”

Aaron rolls his eyes, but his cheeks are still blushing, Robert having hit upon a wish from his youth.

Thankfully, Robert doesn’t see it, Harriet having arrived on the closed, private set, the number of people limited to just her, the two of them, and a small team of production people.

When she gives them a nod, they both strip out of their robes, both of them left standing naked, except for their actors’ modesty socks hiding their cocks and balls. Aaron does his best to keep his gaze level and facing forward, as he goes and finds his mark. The scene involves Felix making love to Thomas, on the floor of the latter’s barn.

The wooden floorboards are tad bit cool and just a little prickly — stray stalks of hay strewn across them — Aaron discovers as his bare back and arse come to rest against them, the sensation causing his skin to stand on end and his back wanting to arch off of it.

Aaron doesn’t have much time to process it, because now Robert’s crawling into his position, slowly lowering himself across Aaron and coming to rest on both his forearms. Aaron keeps his eyes pointed towards the barn ceiling and the rig of artificial lighting, hoping to make things as less awkward as possible.

He can feel Robert’s breath against his cheek, and the heat of him on his arms and chest as they silently hold these poses for the lighting check; Robert is now laying between Aaron’s spread and bent thighs, his arse exposed for everyone to see — not that he seems to care or even looks embarrassed. Instead, Aaron can feel him looking down at him, pinning him to the ground where he’s laying. Still, he refuses to look back at him, his heart furiously beating, as he refuses to make even a hint of eye contact; his last vestige of privacy.

“This isn’t going to work,” Robert says with a sigh after what feels like a day and an age, and Aaron feels his stomach clench, preparing for Robert to clamber off him, already missing him despite no part of them really touching at the moment. “Not if you don’t look at me.”

That gets Aaron’s attention and he looks up into Robert’s eyes, where he finds nothing but calm and watchful understanding.

“What?” He whispers, not meaning to come off so rude, but he’s nervous about what Robert might say and this is a pre-emptive strike — a test to see if he can handle it.

“About yesterday-” Robert begins, and Aaron immediately protests.

“I thought we were done talking about it.”

“No,” Robert insists, voice firm and kind of steely. “You talked about it. I just listened.”

Aaron swallows and lays there, his heart in his ears, as he wishes himself anywhere but here.

But then without warning, Robert dips down and kisses him, a firm press across his lips before a tongue swipes against the bottom one. Aaron grants him eager entry.

Robert pulls back, a half a moment later, remains naked and panting over Aaron.  

“What was that?” Aaron asks, body locked in surprise, though his cock is already having a bit of a reaction. He tries his hardest not to think about it.

“What I wish I’d done last night,” Robert replies, speaking softly, as he shoots Aaron a tentative smile. “What I wish I’d done this morning.”

“You mean…” Aaron trails off, struggling to compute, still feeling like this puzzle is missing a few pieces. Any thoughts about his dick fall by the wayside.

“I like you, Aaron,” Robert says like it’s a well known fact, and not something he just demonstrated with his tongue down Aaron’s throat. “And as you can see, I don’t really care who knows it.”

Aaron glances around and sees that no one’s really paying them much attention, Harriet studying the film monitors in front of her from the director’s seat, the sound guys standing and chatting in the corner.

“Guess that’s a relief,” Aaron finally sighs, when he comes back to look up at Robert’s face. “Seein’ as I like you too.”

It’s like a wave ripples between them because suddenly they’re both touching in millions of tiny ways. Robert’s arms move a little closer, Aaron’s a little wider, both their limbs now settling together. Robert’s planking position lowers, causing him to actually lay across Aaron, their chests just centimetres apart, even as their belly buttons touch, and their cocks, swaddled in their actors’ modesty socks now rest against each other; both steadily hardening. (Aaron smiles as he realises that, flushed with pride that Robert Sugden wants him.)

“So, you going to kiss me back or what?” Robert then asks, smiling down at Aaron, his arms framing either side of his face.

Aaron shakes his head, grinning back cheekily. “Thought we’d save it for the camera.”

:::::

When Harriet yells, “Action,” Robert’s focused and gazing into his eyes. But he doesn’t lunge forward like Aaron expects him to.

Instead, he slowly comes forward, nudges his nose against Aaron’s, before touching their lips together and letting them hover that way for a second, before increasing the pressure, one hand coming to holding the side of Aaron’s face.

Slowly, Aaron’s waiting lips part, as he opens his mouth and lets his tongue curl and slide against Robert’s; allowing him to steal the breath right out of him.

They kiss like that for a couple of minutes, Aaron’s hands sliding up Robert’s back to wrap around the balls of his shoulders, half holding, half gently kneading.

Slowly and gently, Robert starts to rock in place, dragging his thick and hard cock against Aaron’s. He may be simulating sex, but the feelings are all real, as Aaron feels his own shaft throbbing and aching harder.

Robert kisses his way down his jaw, and then his neck and then his chest, Aaron’s back arching unconsciously against him.

Robert comes back up kiss at his lips, the movement of his hips growing faster.

Aaron closes his eyes and pictures his teenage self and all his exploration of sexuality with another boy in his class in the local village pavilion. None of that compares to Felix and Thomas’ first time, none of that compares to this moment with Robert.

Another wave comes over him and he gives himself into it, rolling them over so Robert is now under him; shaggy hair blending with the straw on the wooden floorboards. Aaron takes his lips in his and resumes their kissing.

He continues to grind, increasing the pressure and speed just a little, chasing that spark that shoots through him when their cocks touch through their socks at just the right spot. He can feels his balls tighten and Robert groan into his mouth, the sound of it soaked with wanting. His own cock feels swollen, now more than thick and leaking, the leaking come making the fabric stick to him and his erect shaft more than sensitive.

Aaron can see his climax rising on the horizon, can feel it gathering at the base of his spine, the pressure building to a tall cresting wave, threatening to crash down over him. Under him, Robert continues softly groaning, loose hands scoring up and down Aaron’s back; the movements causing a little thrill of pleasure.

Then just when his orgasm starts to move towards his peak, pushed onward by the friction between their penises, he hears a sound that causes him to stop almost instantly, and Robert to whine under him.

Aaron lays there panting, cock now more than aching, he curses the gods and this particular profession. He brings his forehead to rest against Robert’s. The sweat on both their brows mingling as the chill in the barn begins to set in.

“Alright,” says Harriet from somewhere behind them. Her voice is firm and brooks no questions. So they know better than to protest it. “This was great. But let’s try that again.”

Aaron drops his head into Robert’s neck and groans.

:::::

An hour later he starts to wonder if Harriet is doing this intentionally; guiding them close to the edge with her takes and directions, only to cause them to pull back again, just adding to their rising frustrations.

His only solace is the presence of Robert, who moves from over to under — and even one time, beside — him, as they keep kissing and grinding against each other for the camera; both more sensitive than ever.

“Come back to mine after,” Aaron grunts softly in the middle of one take, too soft for the boom controller to hear him. Robert’s mouth nipping at his shoulder.

“And do what?” Robert whispers, when Aaron rolls them over. It’s clear that he’s a little beyond thinking.

Aaron gets it, biting his tongue as a wave of pleasure sweeps through him.  

“What do you think?” He asks, through gritted teeth, as his hips begin simulating trusting. Then he grins slyly as he looks down into Robert’s unfocused eyes.

“Reckon we could run lines or something.”

:::::

They bolt off set before Harriet can even declare it a wrap — or pull either one aside to talk to them — neither of them able to keep the smile off their faces. Aaron tries not to speed, or run a red light, but it’s a struggle with Robert’s right hand on his thigh, slowly inching higher and higher the entire time.

He manages to still his breathing — and his body’s tetchy reaction — as they exit the vehicle and later enter his building. In fact, they make it all the way up and into his flat, without him making even a single move to try and tear Robert’s clothes off.

“Nice place,” Robert says, as Aaron shuts and locks the door behind. Aaron glances around at the classic film posters on his own living room walls and the lived-in state of his sofa; the prime location for all his movie marathons between projects.

“Thought you might want to see it,” Aaron says coming up to stand in front of him, his hands coming to rest on Robert’s lips.

“You were right about that,” Robert says, though his focus is on him. He smiles and adds, “I’m a big fan of Aaron Dingle.”

Aaron smiles back. There’s a flutter in his chest, like a flock of birds flying back after winter. He swallows roughly and gives his answer, his voice coming out rougher as his gaze drops to Rober’s lips, “I’m right about a lot of things. Guess you’re going to have to remind me.”

That’s all it takes because Robert’s lips are on his, with all the urgency of a man drowning.

Aaron grabs at his jacket and starts pushing it off him, as he also walks him to the bedroom.

They stumble a little, the room still a mess from this morning, Robert grabbing Aaron’s biceps so as to not trip backwards over a pair of kicked trainers lying in the middle of the floor.

“You know, a little tidying never hurt anyone,” Robert says coming back in for a kiss.

“Do you want to talk cleaning, or do you want to fuck?” Aaron growls back, still very frustrated from this morning.

Robert stripping him of his hoodie is his answer.

Grinning into the kiss, Aaron tugs Robert’s shirt up and out of his jeans and then makes quick work of the buttons up front — not caring if he loses one. He pushes it off him, and trails kisses down his neck, before pausing to nip once at his collarbone.

Robert inhales sharply, pressing closer into him. So Aaron does it again, just a little bit harder, earning him a groaned, Aaron.

Smiling again, he licks the same area once, then kisses it as if to make it better. Then he turns his attention to Robert’s jeans, his dick already bulging in the front of it.

Robert’s hands are once again moving, pushing Aaron’s own jeans down to pool against his feet. He tries to step out of them, while undoing Robert’s belt buckle, only to feel one of Robert cup his cock through the fabric of his boxers, the pressure firm but gentle.

Aaron lets out a gasp as Robert just chuckles, “Well, hello there Mr. Dingle.”

“Do you ever shut up?” Aaron asks, as he tried to focus on the jeans button in front of him, Robert’s cock already straining against his zipper, as his hand slips from outside Aaron’s boxers into them, drawing out a shuddered gasp as he squeezes his erection.

“Make me,” Robert says with a smug little grin, the words a low purr that goes straight to Aaron’s eardrum.

Aaron takes him up on his offer, kissing him thoroughly, before pushing him back against his mattress.

A thrill runs up his back as he sees a mostly naked Robert Sugden, resting on his elbows and across the unmade purple sheets of his bed. He kneels down at the base of his bed, then reaches up and pulls the hem of Robert’s underwear down. His cock springs out, already wet and leaking, and every bit as long and thick as Aaron had expected.

He runs a hand up it, giving it a test of a stroke, in front of him Robert twitches.

Pleased with the response, Aaron leans forward and hovers over it, feeling Robert’s eyes watching carefully. Then he smiles up at him, before dropping his head down as he sets up about fulfilling a fantasy.

On either side of his head, Robert’s thighs jerking and flexing — just like that first day in the trailer. Only this time it’s Aaron with his mouth on his cock, him being the one to draw the groans out of Robert.

Down between his own legs, his cock is once again aching, having been denied release too many times in one day. Aaron wraps a hand around it, smearing his own pre-come over his head and down around it, his thumb flicking the edge of his frenulum and causing a thrill of excitement. He keeps on steadily stroking.

When he feels Robert nearing the edge — now more than well-versed in his body — Aaron pulls off and hears the expected moan of disappointment. He gives him a kiss as he reaches for the lube, eager to avoid a painful experience.

He slides two fingers in, gently twisting and scissoring, Robert groaning and pushing down into it.

When he feels he’s ready, Aaron slides his now slick dick into Robert and gets a satisfied sigh for his efforts.

He waits a second for Robert to adjust to the discomfort, but all he gets is grunted, “Hurry up and fuck me.”

Doing as he says, Aaron sets up a punishing pace, the front of his thighs smacking against the back of Robert’s in a satisfying rhythm.

It’s not too long before he feels his climax once again approaching, having been at the edge of his fingertips all day. Below him, Robert’s busy stroking himself as he keeps on moaning Aaron’s name, punctuated by a gasp every time Aaron hits that special spot.

His neck is tipped back and his eyes are tight shut, his hand is rapidly pumping, Robert lost to the build of his own orgasm.

With his own edge within sight, Aaron makes a quick decision, he leans down, hips still rolling as he positions himself right beside Robert’s ear, and then whispers, “It was you I liked, not Pete Barton.”

He hears Robert’s strangled cry and his come hit his chest. It’s enough to make him come inside him.

:::::

He wakes up a few hours later to Robert on his phone, just laying next to him naked. The white light from the small iPhone screen illuminates the side profile of his face in a strong but gentle white glow; his features looking like he was sculpted from marble.

There’s a fondness in his eyes and a glow in his cheeks as he lays on his back, biting his bottom lip, staring at the screen intently, probably skimming the news on a gossip news site. (Aaron actually reads a few of them himself, a couple proving quite reliable in terms of casting news and breakdowns.)

“Anything good?” He asks, when he’s drunk his fill — though he’s finding that his thirst for Robert might be bottomless.

Robert doesn’t startle or even really flinch, just looks over at him like he was gently awakened. His smile is radiant — but more so in this light, white teeth flashing in the phone light, which also renders his freckles a little paler.

“Nothing as good as what’s right here,” Robert says, affection coming through loud and clear. He then lifts his right arm above his head, an open invitation.

Aaron accepts it, shuffling in closer, and bringing the covers with him. He snuggles in closer until his head is resting on the ball of Robert’s shoulder as he turns himself sideways on his left side. Robert’s arm comes back down, wrapping around his back and resting on the curve of his arse.

When Aaron turns towards the phone screen he sees instead that it’s a book, Robert’s attention instead captured by some kind of video.

It takes him a second to clock what’s happening on screen, because then he gasps in disbelief.

“Are you watching my episode of Black Mirror?” He shifts to gaze up at him, searching Robert’s face for any detail of an answer.

“Why?” He asks, horrified.

Robert turns from the phone to look down at him, and then says without any embarrassment or shame. “The first time I ever saw this, I knew I had to meet you.”

“You’re joking me,” Aaron barks a laugh. “My character was mental.”

“Yeah,” Robert agrees, his index finger now rubbing a lazy circle into Aaron’s hip, the feel and motion of it deeply soothing. “But you played him with such intensity.”

“Probably just thought I was fit, or something,” Aaron protests, rolling his eyes at Robert. “I spent half the episode naked.”

“Well, obviously there was that,” Robert concedes, but even with his playful tone, Aaron can tell he still means it. That he’d actually been attracted to Aaron’s acting.

“Does this mean you fantasized about me?” Aaron asks cheekily, even though he’s nervous about the answer.

“If I didn’t, I’d be mental,” Robert says with all the confidence in the world, like this is an undisputed fact.

He’d wanted to hear it, but it still makes him blush. Aaron rolls inward towards Robert’s shoulder. Robert’s hand and finger don’t stop their circling.

“Shut up,” he chides him gently.

“It’s true though,” Robert admits, voice quiet in the night, his face growing ever more thoughtful. “It’s why I wanted to do this project. Figure at least this way I’d get a chance to work with you.”

“More like, hoped you’d get a chance to shag me,” Aaron retorts, but there’s nothing in his voice but affectionate lightness.

“Not going to lie and say I didn’t dream about that,” Robert chuckles. “Though I did really hope you might be bisexual as well.”

“Worked out in the end, I suppose,” Aaron says quietly.

Robert hums his agreement. On his phone screen a younger version of Aaron fights against a male co-star.

Time passes, a few more moments go by, then Aaron says, trying not to keep the worry from creeping into his voice too much, “You know, if people find out about us, we might have to come out publicly.”

He doesn’t want to say it, but he feels like he has to, not wanting to cost Robert his career. “You could lose the Bond role.”

“I told you, Aaron, I don’t care who finds out.” It doesn’t sound flippant, and it doesn’t sound thrown away. It sounds sure as can be and confident. “Didn’t exactly take this job to prove I could do my own stunts. Though I think we both did well on that front.”

Robert pinches his hip as if to underscore the point, sending a spark of shock right through him. Aaron startles and arches his back closer, his bare chest now snug into Robert’s side.

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” Aaron grumbles poking his chest. Under his left ear, Robert shakes with quiet laughter.

“Yes, but an idiot you like,” Robert says when he can finally answer. “And an idiot you had a crush on.”

Aaron rubs his hip sorely. “I can still kick you out of bed, you know.”

“You wouldn’t do that to a poor, defenceless, idiot,” Robert offers in his defence. Aaron just rolls his eyes at it.

“Do you seriously ever shut up?” He questions, not really annoyed.

Robert’s voice is low when he replies, “Like I said. Go ahead and make me.”

Aaron comes up for a kiss.

:::::

They do come out eventually, when doing the rounds to promote the movie, and all their fears are brushed aside as it makes their stock rise even higher. Suddenly they have interviews scheduled with all the top publications, with joint profiles in both The Guardian and Variety. (Aaron asks his mum to go buy extras of both, his idea to have them framed as an eventual moving-in present.)

The movie’s a success as it starts to do the circuit, opening first in limited release and then going wider and wider. It garners great reviews, most of it focusing on Aaron and Robert’s performance, with plenty of mentions of their chemistry. (Robert particularly likes reading those aloud in bed, pulling them up on his phone not long after Aaron awakens.)

Amongst all the furor and the immense fan support, the good news start to trickle in. George Miller wants to meet Aaron to discuss a possible part in Mad Max, while Robert has a meeting about playing Bond after all. As it turns out, times are very definitely changing, and the minds in charge of the franchise have decided they’d quite like to adapt along with it. Neither of them expect anything to actually come of it. But they still joke about Robert wearing that suit and celebrate.  

A few months after that, Harriet calls waking them both up, the film — as well as both their performances and her direction — having been nominated for an Oscar. They lay there together, Robert’s phone on speaker on Aaron’s bare chest, his cheek close beside it, neither of them daring to breathe in their shocked silence.

Aaron cracks first, a long and loud laugh, seconds later Robert starts to join him.

“Can you believe it?” Robert asks, lifting his head. The diffused sunlight from the hotel room balcony window backlights him, showing off his bedhead in all its glory.

“Sure I can,” Aaron shrugs easily, taking in the high cheekbones and the freckles dotting them, the unexpected pinkness of Robert’s lips. Then he looks into Robert’s eager eyes, letting the now-alert green and blue wash over him. “Harriet Finch, innit?”

“But you and me, nominated for an Oscar…” Robert quietly marvels. “Do you think we could win?”

Aaron just watches him, memorising this face, already planning their celebration. He brings a hand up, and cups Robert’s cheek, stroking a thumb across a warm cheekbone. Then he leans up, gives him a soft kiss, then lies back, his head hitting the pillow.

Robert’s eyes open slowly, and his smile grows softer; a small one that he reserves for Aaron.

“Reckon we could,” Aaron says, feeling himself return it. “Who doesn’t love a good love story?”

[i-feel-electric]

how would you describe your sense of humor? what are your favorite books, movies, genres? who are your fave artists, singers, creators? where do you draw inspiration from?

hello, anon :) these are quite the questions, lol. we might be here for a while.

1. i would describe my sense of humor as 1 part dry sarcasm, 1 part immature 12 year old boy who still laughs at fart noises, and 1 part dad jokes

2. books. i’m actually kind of embarrassed to admit that i don’t really read them much anymore. most of what i read these days is fic, but i still have books and authors that i love. tolkien, gaiman, david levithan, cormac mccarthy, murakami, francesca lia block, lev grossman, douglas adams. not very well-versed in female writers, so if anyone’s got recs, i’d be happy to receive them.

3.  movies. you probably don’t realize what you’re getting yourself into by asking me this lol. though, to be fair, i’ve stopped watching/paying attention to a majority of the film industry because it doesn’t excite me anymore. so, my list is composed of primarily older films, in no particular order: labyrinth, the dark crystal, the fifth element, in the mood for love, the adventures of priscilla queen of the desert, rocky horror picture show, the princess bride, pulp fiction, city of lost children, kontroll, a single man, empire records, heathers, les chansons d’amour, les enfants du paradis, like...every musical ever, most marvel movies, blade runner, oldboy, gone in 60 seconds, the dreamers, weekend (the gay one, obviously), gattaca, eastern promises, pan’s labyrinth, the big lebowski, the fall, stranger than fiction, jeaux d’enfants, everything jim jarmusch has ever made. i could go on, but i’ll leave it there.

i also watch a shit ton of anime, but that’s another rabbit hole for another time.

4. genres. if it’s sci-fi or fantasy, i’m usually already on board. except that most of the time it ends up being disappointing (at least in regards to film and television). these days, anything that isn’t heteronormative garbage, i guess. except that i kind of also love stuff like dumb action movies because i don’t have to use my brain. the classics will always be my faves, but all of these stories have already been told and the vast majority of everything that’s been coming out the last however many years is either boring or half-assed or a remake of something that did it better the first time.

5. artists. i feel like you’re calling me out with these things lmao. i honestly could not sit here and tell you which artists i used to love. not that i don’t still interact with art or appreciate it, it’s just different now. i like reading webcomics. the illustrators out there right now are killing it. highly rec this gorgeous little gem. line’s webtoon app is pretty much a goldmine. there’s something for everyone and you get to support independent artists just trying to do what they love. i also use pinterest a lot, to either keep track of art that i enjoy purely aesthetically or for story reference/inspiration.

6. singers/musicians. again, a deep dark rabbit hole lol. i’m gonna be pretty general here bc this is getting kind of long (sorry). i still listen to a lot of kpop and k-indie stuff, but i’ve rediscovered my love for the japanese music scene, so i’ve been hardcore into that lately. (if anyone wants recs, hit me up). otherwise it’s pretty random. i like most genres. i listen to a lot of osts, usually from video games. also, i have ella fitzgerald’s face tattooed on my arm if that tells you anything.

7. creators. lately it’s been anime and video games, tbh. i’ve found that the way i want to engage with content is more immersive and less passive these days, so video games are kind of hitting that sweet spot for me because it’s such a unique way of storytelling. and the narratives being told in anime have always resonated with me. the depth and complexity of the characters and the worlds they live in, not to mention the visual stimulation of diverse art styles. the way animation, of all kinds, can utilize composition and movement just really does it for me. doesn’t hurt that a lot of it is pretty gay, so. there’s that.

8. inspiration. i draw inspiration from everything. sometimes all it takes is seeing something in my daily life, just a small otherwise insignificant detail, and an idea forms and grows all on its own. i think a lot of my ideas stem from the things i find aesthetically appealing. music videos, an illustration, clothing, environment design, photographs of all types. it’s usually visual. but i also find inspiration in music and the narratives other people create. mostly because, as far as mainstream content is concerned, i want to create the versions of things that don’t currently exist the way i wish they did. it’s why we fanfic, you know? and not even just for the queer/poc representation. i feel like a majority of mainstream tv/film/whatever just really misses the mark.

probably wrote way more than you were anticipating lol, but there it is. thanks for the ask :) hope it was what you were looking for. if there’s anything i wasn’t specific enough about, just let me know.