#Social media addicted brain makes it hard to focus on reading. I want to be away from that.

[starryknight-tarot]

𝓐𝓭𝓿𝓲𝓬𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓷𝓮𝓮𝓭 𝓽𝓸 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻

pile 1 -- > pile 2 pile 3 -- > pile 4

my masterlist<3 . paid readings

Howdy my beautiful souls✨ I'm officially back! It feels like it has been forever since I last worked on a pac for y'all! Thank you all for the messages wishing for my health, I am feeling much better. Today we will be looking into advice you need to hear! I might be a little blunt so keep that in mind. Remember to meditate, take a deep breath, and pick whatever pile calls to you the most. My readings are meant for everyone, no matter what sexuality or identity you are. Since this is a general reading, make sure to take what resonates and leave what doesn't. Credit to @chachachannah for the divider!

Pile 1 Cards: Ace of Pentacles rx, Page of Swords, The Devil, The Star, King of Wands, Seven of Cups, Two of Pentacles, Queen of Pentacles Back of the Deck: Page of Wands

There is a lot to go over here Pile 1, you may have been going through it recently or things may feel pretty chaotic for you right now. For you guys, there are somethings you may be turning a blind eye to and opportunities you haven't been taking. Right now you need to take some time to plan and TAKE ACTION! Think about what you want and what you need to do to accomplish this task. And while this is time for action, be careful not to overwhelm yourself with responsibilities, or rush into anything without properly thinking it through. You may be putting yourself down, thinking whatever you want is impossible or out of reach, it isn't. In fact, I heard it's right in front of you or hidden in plain sight. There may be negative affirmations that you are either hearing from yourself or someone else and it is only pulling you further from your goals when you listen to these words, absorb them, and view them as fact when they aren't. You need to keep in mind the power of words and how they can not only effect you, but the people around you. I heard "when you go around with a loser mentality, you are only going to get a loser result" so even in situations where you feel like you are going to lose or that something won't be successful, you need to try to think positive anyway. I know that isn't the easiest request, however, actively reminding yourself of your positive affirmations and staying determined to keep trying when things get hard can take you further than you ever thought you could go. Use your creative brain and I heard be willing to use your heart in certain situation. With the Seven of Cups, there may be a situation or even a person around you that isn't what you think. Be aware of signs that things don't entirely add up or make sense. For some of yall, this is going to be about a travel destination or someone may be offering something that isn't real. With the Devil energy, you may have an unhealthy addiction to something, for some of you I am hearing your phone or social media (who isn't now a days). You may have been consuming too much media and it is really taking a toll on you. Whatever the addiction is, this can go two way for you, you can take the proper action to help yourself or keep hurting yourself by not getting the help you need. Pile 1, you have so much potential and abundance that can be coming your way if you would just believe in yourself!

Advice Cards:

Be bold. It's time to lead forward!

Release what you do not need. Let go of some extraneous aspect of your life

It's time to challenge old beliefs!

Release all attachments that do not serve you

Complete the project or task. Something is calling for closure

Create an internal structured frame of reference and stay focused

Channeled Songs:

Pile 2 Cards: Knight of Swords, Temperance, The Empress rx, Nine of Swords rx, Knight of Wands, The Emperor, Ace of Wands rx Back of the Deck: Ten of Wands

For my Pile 2, we need to talk about how you see yourself and your own self-confidence. I actually feel like this group is divided into two groups, some of you need to work on your confidence and how you interact with yourself. You may be putting yourself down and you need to stop it! You have wonderful energy Pile 2 and deserve love and compliments just as much as others! You just need to see what everyone else sees. You are refusing people because you may have been taught that complimenting yourself shows signs of selfishness and narcissism, something along those lines. It isn't true, you are talented and strong and deserve all the compliments and praise you receive! For the second group of you, I actually want to say to keep it up and don't give up! You may feel a little out of inspiration and creativity but you may just need time to process your thoughts and really figure out what you need to do! Stay confident and positive in your work! I heard this confidence and outgoing nature is your greatest ally. In the moments that you feel like you can't get anything right and things seem impossible, remember who you are! You are that bitch! The sky is the limit for you Pile 2. You can do it, you just need to trust in yourself, beware of last minute nerves that sneak up on you and make you doubt yourself. Also don't be afraid to take bold action and maybe even trying your hand at a leadership position, you have what it takes you just need to believe in yourself. I think that is a big message here for my Pile 2s, believing what you want is possible and just doing it. I know that sounds like a hard task but I really feel like for my Pile 2s, you guys don't even realize your potential and it almost physically hurts me. Some of yall also need to take a step away from worrying about your appearance, it is only hurting you in a really unhealthy way. My Pile 2s are so beautiful inside and out and shouldn't forget that. You may need to work more on your divine masculine energy, regardless of your gender. (There is a little similar energy to Pile 1 so if you felt called, please do read Pile 1)

Advice Cards:

It is time to take appropriate action

A rite of passage allows you to move forward into new realms

Weigh your situation carefully

Give yourself your own approval

Create a plan and take the first step

Give up resistance in your current situation

Channled Songs:

Pile 3 Cards: King of Swords rx, Nine of Cups rx, Page of Wands rx, Nine of Wands, Two of Swords rx, King of Pentacles, Four of Wands, Eight of Wands rx Back of the Deck: Five of Wands

I think for my Pile 3's, you need to stop being so strict on yourself, I am also hearing that you need to surrender to something. There may an event or situation that you have been avoiding for a long time now and spirit is saying that it's time to face this and accept the result. This may be something that you feel pushes you farther from your goals or you are just afraid of the unknown of the situation, something along these lines. I am hearing that even if the situation seems like it is bound to end badly, the result isn't going to be as bad as you think, it may even end with a pretty good result! I am also getting that for some of you, you are going to or are currently facing a tough decision that is making you stressed and anxious, especially if this decision feels really important, I think spirit wants you to follow your heart with this decision. With the King of Swords, I feel like following what seems logical in this may have a more harmful result then you would have liked. But also remember that you have time, with this decision but also just in general. There is time, life feels like it moves very fast but it may help you to take some time to slow down. I am feeling a breeze and I'm seeing you in nature, feeling a nice breeze blow through your hair. You may want to connect with nature more, I am hearing for some of you, you may just need to take a little walk. I feel like for my pile 3's, you may want to be more generous with yourself. If there is something you have been thinking about buying, buy it. If you have something you've felt would be selfish of you, be a little selfish. I think you need to spoil yourself a little more. I am hearing especially going into this new year. Life is too short not to take some risks is what I am hearing. I'm also hearing some of you need to be a little more delusional lmao. Some of yall should listen to some subliminals, this might be a little helpful in some of your situations. I also want my Pile 3s to beware of conflicts with others, I am hearing some of you could be nicer to the people around you or that you may need to work on admitting when you are in the wrong.

Advice Cards:

Control is an illusion. Surrender and allow the Universe to guide you

Align your body, mind, and spirit with your heart

Create a plan and take the first step

It's time to realize the blueprint of your soul

Be aware of your inner messages

Be adventurous. It's time to go for it!

Channeled Songs:

Pile 4 Cards: Page of Swords, Four of Pentacles, The Chariot, The Hanged Man rx, Knight of Swords, Justice rx, Nine of Swords rx, King of Swords Back of the Deck: Nine of Cups

There is a lot of swords energy for this pile! The swords has a lot to do with communication and possible conflicts in that. I think for a good amount of this pile, you guys need to work on how you communicate but mostly with how you communicate with yourself. I feel like you guys may be putting yourself down and saying things to yourself that aren't even true, and some of you even know that they aren't true. You guys need to realize that you are stopping yourself from achieving things, I don't care how many excuses you may have. Some of yall are manifesting and trying to say all the positive affirmations to bring the things you want to life, however you are forgetting that positive affirmations are only a part of manifestation. One of the most important parts is to actually put in the work to get the things you want. The things you want aren't just going to fall into your lap, you need to push yourself and try new things to get what you want, even if it seems scary at first. Like, I feel like you guys may be telling yourself things to delay taking action on your passions and it's not bringing you any closer to your goals. Which is sad because we have the Nine of Cups at the back of the deck, your dreams are a reality and can come true! For some of you I feel like it won't even be that far from you but you are delaying it! I can see the visual of you feeling like you have chains attached to your legs, these chains representing your past, family, doubts, all of it, they feel so heavy and scary. But what you don't realize is that these chains aren't holding you down at all, you have the power to push through and move forward. I am also getting for some of yall, you may have just went through a bad breakup or ended some sort of relationship, take it how it resonates. But I feel like a lot of you are holding onto this person and want some sort of closure from them, and spirit is saying that there just isn't going to be some closure, at least on their end. Sometimes we meet people, and they break our hearts and some people don't have the emotional maturity to deal with it in the rights ways and that person isn't you. It can feel empty and sad not to get closure on some relationships but what's stronger and harder is to know to walk away when things are getting bad. There will be people that come into your life that will treat you better, that person just wasn't that person. You guys need to remember that you are smart and wise and soooo powerful!

Advice Cards:

Hold your life from a sacred viewpoint. Witness the universal picture

The issue at hand is about reflection. What is the mirror showing you?

Put your tasks and goals in order

Something you've planted is coming to harvest. Results are forthcoming!

Boldly imagine what you can do and be

You are ready to receive your fortune. Be miracle minded!

Bring something new into your life!

Channeled Songs:

Thanks for tuning in₊‧.°.⋆🫧•˚₊‧⋆.

[rainingmbappe]

Hey hey, actual researcher here (though not neuroscience) that is about to ger her PhD with a focus on media use and inequalities - your teacher is wrong

It is never too late but especially someone your age, you can always change habits and your brain can always learn new thing and develope new habits

Also social media is not universally bad and evil - yes reading books is great and fantastic but so are social media breaks/ easy entertainment- there is also no hard rule for what is too much in use until you feel like it's too much / detremental to you

Btw. Neither is gaming which is dumbly vilified, there are in fact some things and tests gamers tend to be better at (hand eye coordination, pattern recognition etc)

Smartphones/social media likely negativel affect our attention span and reading actual news and books informs you better than just social media but if someone doesn't read at all it's still better to read a but through social media etc. It's about nuance and individuality - i can recommend some books if it's of interest to you but it's never too late to want to learn and change habits wtf your teacher is dubm

HIII ANON!!! First off, I'm so glad you sent this in.

So to make it clear, I have the extreme version of the addiction. My concentration power is in the pits and I'm victim to the endless scrolling. If my point came across as "all social media is bad and only books are good" then that is definitely not what I mean. I'd never talk in superlatives like that 😭. And like you said yourself, the conversation needs nuance and individuality and trust me, the problem is not only quiet bad for me, but it's one of the biggest mental tolls I have. So the extent of the problem is lost in that post I made and is definitely worse than I bothered to explain. And the video game thing, the student stopped playing them cause he verbatim said himself that it was eating away a lot of time and he was addicted. And in return, my sir said that. And tbh, older people especially teachers are very orthodox here and are definitely wary of social media. So I don't completely wanna blame him. But I definitely see the upside to gaming

To conclude, I completely get your point. Of course, social media is not all bad or good. Nothing is black and white. But these days, I'm just having absolutely no luck in using it in a helpful manner as opposed to in a destructive manner. And pllssss recommend books the more the merrier 😭

[stormears]

*spends $130 at Barnes and Noble

ANYWAY, my reading list right now!

Reading right now: "The Demon-haunted World" by astrophysicist Carl Sagan. Extremely applicable to the social media world of the 2010s, but written in 1996. A nonfiction book about various examples and reasons for which people more readily believe fantasy and pseudoscience than real science.

TO READ

1) nonfiction book about how American farms are being economically strangled and how this affects the food supply in the country and IS affected by similar circumstances around farms worldwide

2) nonfiction book about Alexander Von Humboldt, one of the first famous zoologists who wrote about how nature and animals do NOT exist for human/"divine" consumption or enjoyment, which was WACK in the mid 1800s

3) Dragon Legacy (I think?) fiction fantasy book about how there's a fantasy world where things are kinda going downhill, there's people that can bond with catlike companions (cool!) and a dragon under the earth that might wake and destroy the whole world, and there's some people who want to wake it up and cause the end of the world for NO reason

4) Book about a woman who lived in the harsh wilderness of Alaska, I think? For about 10 years. Focusing mainly on the beauty of the natural world she learned to appreciate while out there. Honest to god bought this as inspiration for a Haikyuu fanfic I barely started where Iwaizumi is mostly raised in the US and job-hops around the country and likes nature a lot. I want the nature loving perspective.

5) A beautiful looking vegan dessert cookbook which I plan to modify slightly to make keto recipes with. I could have waited a few days and saved $20 to get the book via Amazon but I DIDN'T, and later made chocolate peanut butter brownies based off a recipe from this book. They were pretty good!

This has been a "break time" post to distract me from this JJK fanfic I'm writing about a "custody battle" between Gojo and the Zenins for who gets to raise Megumi and Gojo basically informs them there will be no custody battle or he will kill them, lol.

[thejackofalltrades42069]

Fight anxiety and get better at things at the same time.

Probably everyone reading this suffers from some of the same addictions I do, we’re addicted to our cellphones, to social media, and to entertainment.

Social media has certain algorithms that are incredibly advanced that hooks us up to keep using them for the longest possible time, it throws at us information that we want to see based in our profiles and things we like, it doesn’t matter if it gives us fake information, click-bait useless information, or perhaps sometimes some useful information (I���m not making anything up, you can do some research :P).

Without really noticing, we keep using social media (sometimes immensely) during the day, at the same time we do things we keep checking our notifications or looking at “stories” and posts while working, while in the bathroom, while watching a tv show, while exercising, when hanging out with friends, etc.

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Using social media so much (also multitasking) usually causes or worsens many problems:

-Chronic anxiety and stress.

-Sleep deprivation.

-Fatigue.

-Poor performance at work, hobbies, and anything.

-Awful memory to remember things.

-Overall bad mood due to the above reasons.

-etc.

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I’ve heard and read what I’m talking about here, I’ve experienced it, I’ve done a lot of trial and error, and really, the best way to fight the anxiety most of us have nowadays is to put the cellphone inside a drawer and try as hard as we can to always do 1 thing at a time. The days that I use my cellphone regularly, I finish work, and not only I had a bad performance at work, but I also feel exhausted.

When I leave my cellphone in a drawer and only check it during my breaks and lunch time, my work performance is great, and after leaving work I feel much more energy. Not only that, but I feel like I’m getting better at it, and it’s easier each time I work.

The days that I use my cellphone less, I also get a much better sleep at night.

For hobbies, it’s a shame so many people are trying to watch a movie or play video games and check their cellphone and send a few messages every 5 minutes. Don’t you know people who can remember what happened, and the names of characters? and other people who can’t remember a name or event from things they “watched”? People who are invested in doing 1 thing at a time are the ones who remember better, and the ones who are better at doing things. Not only that, but when you’re invested in something, time goes faster, and you feel this “state of flow” feeling which is amazing.

A lot of people also tend to get bored, and to say that what they’re doing isn’t fulfilling, many times, we just need to focus on doing the task at hand and forget about distractions.

This is a muscle that must be worked, it’s not easy at the beginning, but I recommend it more than anything else, it will help become better at absolutely anything you do. Start with baby steps, silence your cellphone, and put it inside a drawer for 30-minute periods, and then start increasing that amount of time until you can do 3-4 hours. This is basic to improve mental health nowadays. Uninstall some applications if necessary.

There are specific things that can help work this skill, such as meditation, there are different kinds of meditations, some may not work for everyone, and 10 minutes are enough, it’s not necessary to meditate for hours.

*As an extra note, multitasking, such as watching a TV show while getting some work done is also very tiring for our brains, and at the end, we really don’t remember much of what we did because it’s so much information that we just can’t remember it. The way I see it, it’s just a big waste of time and energy. There’s an exception to certain tasks we’re good at, and that are repetitive and simple (like dicing onions and listening to a podcast at the same time).

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Simply trying to do things might not always work because of our mindsets; our beliefs, and our values. Most of the time we have values, beliefs, and practices that are not the best for us. Taking time to reading form different sources, and time for reflection is something very valuable, it is NOT a waste of time, some believe that not getting things done whenever possible is a waste of time, yet they continue to have these insane behaviors that hurt their daily performance and their physical and mental health.

Doing a few things differently and trying new things influences the way we see and understand the world, it also makes us smarter. I say we should always try to understand, challenge, and try new ideas and practices, even if it’s just slightly possible that they can help us become better at something or improving our general health. Just trying things once and saying “well, that didn’t work, I won’t try again” is also something we must fight. Anything worth doing is hard, we just have to keep trying with small steps at a time.

I tried to keep this post short, thanks for reading.

"The Way is in training." -Miyamoto Musashi

[levi-ackerham]

i see you post a lot about the foxhole court and it looks so cool, what is it and how do i get into it 0-0

OOO hi anon!!

Ok so I'll try to summarize it but it's a Lot 🤣

So, it's a book series with three books. The Foxhole Court, The Raven King, and The King's Men.

So the main character, Neil, plays this sport called Exy. It's basically a combination of lacrosse and hockey and it's really violent lol. And he's on the run from his dad, because his dad is a murderer 😳, and he's been on the run since he was a kid. He ran away with his mom, but his mom was killed so now he's all on his own, and he is constantly having to change his identity to avoid being caught. So!! He decided to enroll at some small high school in Arizona and he joined the Exy team there. He ended up getting noticed (oopsies!) by the coach at a university called Palmetto State University, and also by this guy on the team named Kevin Day, who Neil actually met when he was a kid. They show up one day at his school after an Exy game, and Neil is freaked out because he thinks they recognize him, and they try to recruit him but Neil is having None Of It and tries to run away, but in the end he ends up getting suckered into agreeing to go to that college and play for their Exy team. So Palmetto State's Exy team, the Foxes, is made up completely of players who come from bad pasts. Former drug addicts, kids from gangs, etc. Very different from the other "normal" college Exy teams. And so Neil pretty much fits right in with his crazy past of being a runaway, but he also has that Exciting Major Secret of his dad literally being one of the most infamous murderers on the East coast, so Neil is trying to hide his identity and not get found out by his team and also to not get found by his dad (because the Foxes are featured in the media a LOT because of how the team is structured), so he tries really hard to stay low and not really get close to anyone on the team. But, surprise!! He ends up making friends. And he also gets really close (wink wink nudge nudge) with one of the guys on the team, Andrew, and he can't just run away like he originally planned on doing. And then because Neil is Neil, and he is actually really bad at keeping himself on the low lmfao, he ends up making a big name for himself in the college Exy community because he always winds up getting himself involved in drama. So now Neil is stuck between staying there at PSU and being caught by his father, or running away again and leaving all of his friends and found family on his team.

There's also a ton of other stuff too (like one of the opposing teams actually being a front for the Japanese mafia?? And that team is also basically a cult so there's that too) but it's just soo hard to summarize lmfao.

I will warn you though, there is a LOT, and I mean a L O T of sensitive content in the series so it may not be for you! There are graphic scenes involving torture, a rape scene, and also heavy drug and alcohol use. The series does a pretty good job of handling most things respectfully, but you also have to keep in mind that the characters are college students so they do drink and go to parties and clubs and that kinda thing too. There are characters who use homophobic language in their regular vocabulary. One character is heavily medicated for the majority of the series due to violent behavior, and also has a history of being sexually assaulted. One character suffers from PTSD and is an alcoholic. There's a LOT of triggering content so just be warned.

Here is a really good list of the trigger warnings for the series.

And I will say, I'm not trying to add all those things in like they're an afterthought because they are all important and shouldn't be just glossed over, it's just realllyyy hard to summarize it all without spoiling major plot points either because the entire series is a clusterfuck. So just go into the books knowing ahead of time that there is basically content warning for... everything. 😬

The series is really really good though and the found family is just so sweet, and Neil is literally my FAV!! He had a very rough past, and he is kind of awkward when it comes to social situations. His brain is also like 99% Exy which is hilarious and adorable. Seeing his development over the course of the books is really cool though because he goes from just wanting to run away all the time to having a family and wanting to stay with them. He goes from being really anxious and stressed to being confident and comfortable. And his relationship with Andrew is really freaking cute too. Neil is demisexual so his relationship with Andrew starts off really slow at first because Neil has NO idea what Feelings are and has pretty much no idea what the difference is between friendship, which he literally just recently discovered for the first time in his life, and a romantic relationship. So he's trying to figure that all out because he knows what he feels for Andrew is Different But Good, and he's trying to figure out how to manage that type of relationship on top of Exy and also running from the freaking mafia. There is also a HUGE focus on consent between them, and they are both very respectful of each other but they are also not afraid to call each other out on bullshit when it's needed either! And Andrew is just... a very complicated character. You'll see what I mean once you start reading. He suffers from depression and most of the time he comes across as very uncaring, but underneath he actually has a lot of feelings that he just doesn't really know how to express since he's never been able to open up to anyone before since no one has ever actually cared enough to get close to him because sometimes he is kinda... scary. For the majority of the series he is on prescribed medication, kind of like mood stabilizers? He was put on the medication because of an incident outside a club where he nearly killed some guys for assaulting his cousin, Nicky. The medicine was supposed to stop his "outburts" but they don't actually help him, they just make him manic and anxious, and so he's constantly on a pendulum between feeling nothing and feeling on edge. It's like... they put him on the meds for the wrong reasons, so it's not even the correct kind of medication that he would need, and it really messes with him. It's pretty sad to see. He can also get really violent at times and has a history of physically attacking people. But despite all for that, he really does care for his family, even if he has trouble actually expressing things. Neil plays a pretty important role in trying to help Andrew feel like a human again, and the best thing about it is that Neil isn't trying to FIX Andrew either. He sees him as he is and he cares for him despite Andrew's flaws, and they are actually a really healthy couple despite their uh.... rocky start... in the first book. They're both very different people with very different opinions on things sometimes, but seeing them work things out together and grow closer is just so sweet.

Anyways I'm done now LOL I just really really love the books ok

[jpegjade]

High Functioning - Spencer

Requests (2 mashed together bc i thought of an idea that covered both of them (and a little bit of my own anxiety)): 

A. This one just came to me: reader has mild anxiety. She can function but it definitely gets to get sometimes. Her and Reid (bf) have a discussion around being each other's safe space and deciding to take time in the mornings/evenings to hold hands, breath deeply and recenter themselves. They follow through and feel more connected and at peace. Fluff it up!! Thank you for considering, xoxo!

B. Talk about CLOSE TO HOME:... reader is tired of the news and the complications of the world. Nothing is simple, everything is a process, and everyone is so emotional high strung. Spence reminds her that his love for her is simple and unconditional. He will always be there no matter what shit storm the world is going through.

Warnings: None, really. I don’t think I even swore in this one! Just talking about high functioning anxiety and Spencer talking a lot of stuff. 

__________

You woke up with a start. You stretched your arm out to the other side of the bed, where Spencer usually slept and found it cold and empty. You snapped your head over, worried that you missed saying goodbye to him before work. You always said goodbye to him, sending him off with breakfast, coffee, and a kiss. You hopped out of bed, running to the door to see if his shoes were there. 

“What’s wrong?” He said, making you jump. You turned around to see him sitting at the table, toast, and bacon sitting on a plate next to the morning newspaper. 

“Oh.” You said, clutching your chest over your oversized shirt. The shirt wasn’t yours but it was the only thing you could find to throw on when you were leaving your room. “I thought you left.” 

“I have an off day.” He said, gesturing to the seat next to him. You noticed another plate sitting on the table, two mini pancakes, bacon, syrup, and a couple fruits were arranged in a smiley face. 

“Oh, okay.” You said, glancing at his newspaper. He usually sped through it when he was waiting for you to finish breakfast before work but now, there was no rush to actually go anywhere because your job was still working from home while everything in the world was happening. 

He flipped the paper open and while you were eating your bacon, you were looking at the headline. Another day of nothing good. You thought about how you had started feeling constrained while you stayed home all the time. Spencer was the one who got to still travel and go to the bureau occasionally when they weren’t having Zoom calls, and he was the one to pick up groceries on his way home or on his way out. Sure, he said he envied you but how could anyone be jealous of someone who can’t go anywhere, can’t do anything, and only spends their time avoiding tv, avoiding the news, and avoiding social media? Before quarantine, you were addicted. Now? You could go days without checking Twitter, and you often did. 

Your anxiety was manageable. According to doctors, you were high functioning. Most of the time, you were able to go on during the day with nerves but the good kind, the healthy kind. Today? Reading the headline splashed across the front of the newspaper, just glancing at the picture, your chest felt tighter. You tried to focus on your breathing, tried to calm down, and not let Spencer see you getting more anxious. 

He closed the paper, folding it back into the rectangle where he could do the crossword puzzle. He was about to grab the pen on the counter when he noticed you breathing heavier than normal. He nudged your foot with his foot to draw your attention back to him. 

“What’s wrong?” He looked very concerned. “At the rate you’re breathing, assuming you continue deteriorating at a steady pace, you will begin to hyperventilate. You know, the act of hyperventilating is really quite impressive in regards to anxiety because your brain’s automatic response to fear is to get more air but really, your carbon dioxide levels drop and your brain begins to swell. The fact that you weren’t doing anything but nibbling on bacon tells me that something triggered your thought process to respond abnormally. When your body responds this way, you have to think about what we talked about before. You’re safe here. There’s no imminent danger. You can relax, not because I said so, but because the fear of the situation seems a lot worse than it is. Statistically speaking, the chance of something happening in our home is very low compared to other environments, which is cause enough to say that you’re safe here.” 

“Thank you.” You said, sheepishly grinning at him. You didn’t notice until he stopped talking that your breathing had returned to normal. You let out the breath you didn’t realize you were holding. 

That was your thing, the two of you. After you told him about your anxiety, he was very supportive and tried to understand more about how you processed your triggers and what he could do to help. He took notice of the fact that you calmed down when he talked, which was easy for him to do in general but harder when you were suffering because he worried. He was more of a silent type to worry about you.  

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked. 

“We can. On the couch?” You asked. Nodding, he put your plates away and met you on the couch. Immediately, you laid down, your head sat in his lap as you stared up at the ceiling. The oversized shirt bunched up around your stomach but you didn't mind because Spencer was just going to draw shapes on the exposed part of your lower stomach anyway. He likes drawing shapes because it gives his hands something to do. He always had to be doing something…

“Your anxiety has gotten harder for you to manage.” Spencer studied your face and as if you timed it perfectly, you felt the shapes. 

“Yeah… How can you tell?” You chuckled sarcastically. 

“Well, I’m a profiler. It’s my job to pay attention to every little thing there is about someone. I don’t get paid to profile you, though. I like to do that on my own.” Spencer didn’t get your sarcasm but that was a sweet statement so you didn’t point out that you were being sarcastic. You smiled and he smiled back at you. 

“Yeah. It’s hard with everything going on. And I feel stuck in the apartment and it’s difficult to keep my head on straight when there’s nothing positive going on that anyone talks about. I can’t handle it sometimes, Spence.” You sighed. 

“It doesn’t help that I still have to travel for cases, does it?” He said, slightly downtrodden. 

“Yes. Baby, you caught Anthrax and I wasn’t there.” You said, reaching up to touch his face with your right hand. He just chuckled. 

“You didn’t know me back then.” He said, remembering the terrifying moment. He was glad you didn’t know him back then because he would’ve been terrified to know he would be leaving you alone. 

“Okay but Derek told me about it as if I was there and it’s just as traumatizing.” You said, dropping your hand to rest on your chest. 

“I know it’s scary but…” He said, licking his lips. “You have to trust me and not your anxiety about the situation. We said we would be there for one another, right? You’re my safe place, your haven, your paradise, and you’re my home, my heart, my safe place. You have to trust me that we can get through whatever is going to happen together.” He said, his right hand coming up to stroke your cheek instead of drawing shapes. You kinda missed how warm his hand was on your stomach. 

“Right, my safe place is right here.” You smiled at him. 

“Are you still anxious?” He asked, his thumb still stroking your cheek. His hands were really soft, as always. You thought about how you still needed to ask what lotion he uses to keep his hands so soft. You knew he occasionally used cherry lip balm for his lips but his hands were another thing. 

“Yeah, a little. Seeing the paper kind of messed with my head a little bit. I just need some good to balance the bad sometimes. I need reminders that not everything is so complicated and hard and…” You sighed to complete your sentence, sitting up. 

Spencer stood up and walked away. You knew he wasn’t just walking out of the conversation, right? He wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t…

He came back and brought you back to the moment. He sit down on the floor in front of you and stared at you until you sat next to him. 

“I was waiting to do these but I bought your favorite face masks. You’ve already had a rough morning so I thought we could center ourselves. Through morning meditation and focusing on our mental well-being, we’re able to start off on track for a more...Enlightened path, if you will.” He started. 

You just nodded along, watching his hands slowly unwrap the packaging of the masks. Sitting crossed-legged, you barely registered that he knew the exact brand that you used because the other ones you tried caused breakouts. Your mask was meant to help clear up your skin while his was just because he liked the sparkly face masks and it smelled nice. He handed you the open champagne sparkles face mask pack while he took the refreshing cucumber mask, dipping two fingers in and spreading it gently on your cheek. You did the same in return. 

“Based on scientific studies conducted rather recently, there have been studies that have suggested that meditation and mindfulness have had positive effects on disorders such as anxiety and depression. Although you are high functioning with your anxiety, there’s still room for improvement in terms of when you feel backed into a corner, whether it’s related to external forces or otherwise.” 

You felt so calm and relaxed that you almost forgot you were anxious earlier in the day, as recently as a few minutes ago. You loved listening to Spencer talk. 

“So maybe, we should make this a daily thing. Spending some time with each other, even if we just wake up earlier and hold hands or shower together or just hang out talking about goals for the day and positive things we’ve noticed happening. We can be more mindful of our mindfulness and be more aware of how we exist, to a certain degree.” He finished your facemask and stared at you, studying your face. 

You were just grinning. 

“You’re the love of my life, you know that?” You said, completely relaxed. 

“And you’re the love of all of my lives,” Spencer said, making a reference to a show the two of you watched where the main character kept dying and coming back to life, in love with the same woman. Because that’s how he felt about you. 

__________

Tags: 

@ancailinaerach

@winchestertardis

[kikifeliz]

THE WEEK AHEAD: May 3 - May 9, 2021

By Kiki Feliz

♑️♉️♍️ Capricorn, Taurus, Virgo

More action this week than last, which is good! Last week was about planning — and in some ways, planning poorly or neglectfully. I saw last week that some of you are struggling with your identities, figuring out who you really want to be in this world & how you want to present yourselves to others.

This week, I see some of your ideas about who you are starting to take shape on the physical plane; I also see that you are putting your heart into it more! Not necessarily emotionally, as in self-love, but like courageously. Think about how they say athletes etc. have “heart,” meaning they are dedicated for the love of the accomplishment/the love of the game. The self-love aspect will come, but for those of you who know about the Tarot, this reading is dominated by Wands (spirited, organized action & courage) rather than Cups (emotions).

I see you’ve been fighting your intuition, likely about spiritual work that needs to be done. There’s a lot of resistance and defensiveness here. It looks like some of you are trying to protect yourself from something. For some, it’s from a player-type romantic figure; others of you may be trying to protect yourself from addictive behaviors and substance abuse.

You seem to be fighting a problem that you are wholly responsible for; something you’ve conjured up in your own head. Ultimately you have complete power and control over this situation, even if it doesn’t seem like it. Even if the opposition (the addiction or the romantic interest) does have some standing here, that doesn’t really mean anything — it’s standing that YOU have given them. Tear it down whenever you’re ready! If this means going to rehab for addiction recovery, do that. If this means cutting this person down from the pedestal you’ve built them, DO THAT! The pedestal might not even be that high (meaning you may not actually consider this person to be that dope) but still, cut that shit down. STOP FUCKING SPYING ON THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA!! It’s not helpful lmao 😂

Take a rest from engaging with whatever this is, and go find some respect. Whether this is respect from your community of likeminded people or self-respect, you need to figure out for yourself. Either way, focus on other people and other, healthier social activities. Maybe get off of social media for a few days altogether. Go hang out with people you haven’t seen in a while. Go for a hike and spend some time outside! But most of all, you need to give this old pattern a rest and cleanse your system of the person/substance so you can move forward.

Once you do this, I see things moving very harmoniously for you! Drop the ball on recovery, however, and you’ll be right back in the cycle of juggling dumb shit and self-sabotaging, taking away valuable resources from your own brain and/or wallet that you could be using for something else more valuable in the long run.

I don’t need to tell you that this addiction/person is bullshit, you already know. This situation may have brought out a side of you that you don’t like; maybe you have even resorted to negative manipulations in order to try to get what you wanted from this situation, or to score (relevant in both the sexual & drug-related sense of the word).

If it’s a person, maybe you thought that you were meant to be together ~/*if only you could outlast the competition*/~. This is simply just NOT TRUE. This is NOT an episode of The Bachelor!

If it’s a drug/alcohol issue, you may have stolen from your parents to fund the habit or done other things as an act of rebellion against tradition. Either way, I see you struggling mentally to win this fight, but not for long. There may even be some enablers in your life that you will have to eliminate.

You are strong enough to win and you do have a community of people cheering you on! Take that hype then use that as fuel to help you remember why it’s important for you to win this battle. Or, alternatively, rather than “hype” it could be negative reactions to the situation told to you by friends and family... maybe they didn’t like how someone was treating you, or how you were treating the community or yourself as a result of your contact with this person/substance. Either way, your community is far more important than this person or this substance. Remember that! There is absolutely hope on the horizon for success in leaving this situation behind.

Something fated is going to happen for y’all very soon! This may have to do with an adventure you’ve been waiting to take the next step on, a trip you’re already on to a new destination for those of you who are planning on traveling, or a goal you’re already pursuing. It may be the rebirth of a long-awaited dream, one that you’ve been stuck reflecting on for a while. You may have thought this dream was dead, but the universe was just waiting for the right time to give it to you.

You’ve had a lot of struggles, but I see you coming into a period of light, independence, joy and work. Some of you may be recovering from really horrible incidents, like depression, sexual assaults, thefts, break-ins, and anxiety, but I want you to know that recovery is imminent and I see you consciously taking a hold of your recovery through acts of joy and through your work!

Whether this defeated feeling you may have stems from addiction or a negative incident that had a bad effect on your psyche, I want you to know that recovery is a PRACTICE and it takes time. And that’s okay! Just keep the lines of communication open with yourself and others; most importantly be HONEST with yourself and you will absolutely be capable of taking back control over your life. Big CEO energy here — get ready to make some executive decisions soon!

Keep in mind that nothing happens overnight and that you will need to work hard on all of your goals in order to accomplish them. Temptation (that trap, that pit) is always going to be there, but you have to take the reins and drive around it, or go consciously in the other direction. This will be hard and it will take longer than you expect; you will also have to confront your shadow side in order to succeed long-term, which will be scary. But approach yourself with love and positivity. In the meantime, do what you can to make yourself feel attractive. This is the start of a whole new you! That person is worth patiently and consciously doing the work for, right?

In love, if you’re dating, it looks like some of you may be caught up with some lies, infidelity, or self-sabotaging (either by you or by someone else). If this is the case, declare your independence and GTFO. Seriously. This situation is giving off bad vibes anyway. It may take a while for you to trust enough to love again, but you absolutely will. You are attractive, kindhearted, and sweet! That’s an irresistible combo.

If you’re single and thinking about approaching someone romantically this week, you can... but you probably aren’t ready, and the attempt may come off as immature and poorly planned. If you really think this person is your soulmate, then I would advise giving it a better effort. The person you plan to approach may be very defensive or shut off. Be prepared to bring on a Major Romantic Gesture if you want to seduce them and take down their walls! Regardless, take a chill pill on the social media stalking, bud — you’ll just psych yourself out. Go outside and hang out with your friends instead!

If you’re in a relationship, it looks like silly squabbles may be coming between y’all, but I do see a possibility of them being resolved with some balance. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. Change the subject, have some patience, and if you are really at an impasse, then take a break to yourself to reflect. Otherwise, things could get ugly and we don’t want that! Is there something you’re being willfully blind to? Something you are ignoring? I see it becoming a big problem later on.

For those of you who are committed, someone in the relationship may be judgmental about the other person’s friend group (are they bad influences?? Perhaps. But that’s none of their business if everyone is adults). If this is the case, suck it up and go find some work to do... they aren’t going to change their friends for you, so let it go. Domineering attitudes will not help the matter. Just compartmentalize the time you spend with those people and leave it at that.

You and your partner are allowed to have your own independent lives, so let that happen. If this is an issue, I see it being unresolved for quite some time. But if you stay open to the love and to helping each other grow, and remind each other how attractive you find each other, despite the negatives, I see you bringing this back from the brink of death and successfully turning over a new leaf/making it to the next chapter in the relationship!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #374

“doctor, doctor, won’t you please prescribe me something?  /  a day in the life of someone else...”

Does someone have a crush on you but you don’t feel the same way? No. Who do you feel most beautiful around? No one. What’s one makeup item you cannot live without? I could live without any makeup. What’s the most expensive thing you own? My snake, I think. Or my laptop, idr. Are you more of a book person or a TV person? Book. Relationship status? Single. What color are most of your clothes? Black. Did you french kiss before you were 16? No, I was 16. Last song you listened to? "The Heretic Anthem" by Slipknot. Would you ever go back to any of your past relationships? Yes. What’s your favorite thing about life? That's a big question. I guess seeing acts of mass love and kindness, reminders that we're all in this together through all hardships. Who pays for the first date? Whoever asked the other person out, imo. Who has always been there for you? My mom. Have you ever written on a wall? No, at least not to my memory. Do you play any computer games, if so, what ones? I think anyone who reads these by now knows, haha. I don't much play anything else. I prefer console games. What would you name a baby boy if you had one? Probably Damien or Victor. What would you name a baby girl if you had one? Alessandra, no questions asked. What lyric means the most to you? I mean there's tons, but the first one that came to mind is "for such a little thing, you sure are in your own way" from "Get Up" by Mother Mother. Like in the big picture, we humans are so so so minuscule, but with brains that are too complicated for our own good. It's my own head that creates so many obstacles for me. Who is the smartest person you know? Probably my friend Girt. Have your parents ever been to jail? No. Do you share a bed with anyone? My cat, haha. Does it flatter you when guys open doors for you? It's flattering if anyone does, not just guys. Do you enjoy taking naps? Yeah. That's like part of my daily routine. If your friend asked you to hold their drugs, would you? Nope. Is there anyone you try to be a good influence for? My nieces and nephew, but I don't feel like I am. I'm a poor example of an adult. Do you own a pair of fishnets? No, but I have a pair of fingerless fishnet gloves. Which do you prefer: french toast, bagels, pancakes, waffles, bacon or cereal? All are great, but french toast. Yes or no: eyebrow piercings? I'd actually have one if I didn't have glasses. I think I'd look weird with one as I look now. When I say "The Beatles," what is the first song that comes to mind? "Hey, Jude." In your opinion, what is the very worst type of weather? Extremely hot and humid. You can only listen to one band for the rest of your life, who do you pick? Ozzy Osbourne, of course. Can you snap with both of your hands? Yeah, but it's harder with my left. What is something that you had to learn the hard way? For some people, promises don't mean shit. If you could re-paint your bedroom, what color would you paint it? Maybe like a light peach. When was the last time you got butterflies? I think not since Sara told me I look really pretty in eyeliner. ;_; <3 When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking? There was this one time I was listening to "The Ghost of You" by MCR a while after finding out about Jason's mom's death and I just like... broke. When’s the last time you were in a line? When I was getting my second COVID shot. Do you trust the media? HA! Fuck no. If you could kill off one species of animal, which would it be? At first I was appalled by this question, but like... do wasps serve a purpose? Of all fauna, they annoy me the most. I mean bees are already endangered enough, and they prey on them. They don't pollinate, so like... why are you here. I may be mistaken and they have a valuable role, in which case I take all this back. Who’d you last say I love you to? My mom. What’s the most overpaid job in your opinion? I have on idea. Most jobs are underpaid. What’s the last thing you wrote down? I was doing some paperwork at the TMS office on my first day there. When’s the last time you heard a gunshot? I don’t know. What are you looking forward to? Now that my tattoo (which looks fucking stunning, by the way) is out of the way, I can focus on other things. I'm particularly looking forward to hopefully seeing the results of TMS manifest (which should take 3-4 weeks). It sounds horrible, but I'm also keenly awaiting this dog we're stuck with to go somewhere... The person who gave her to my sister to give my mom won't take the dog back, and we can't find another option that doesn't risk her being euthanized, which we absolutely do not want. We just don't know what to do, but she's driving Mom and me INSANE. Do you listen to online radio stations? No. Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? No. Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Multiple things. Have you ever ate so much you puked? Ugh, no. That sounds awful. Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? Very much, sadly. Would you rather eat cookies or brownies? I gotta say brownies. Which YouTuber have you learned the most from? I mean, this depends on the subject. From Mark, I've learned most about life and how (I think) to be a good person, but there's a lot of pet channels I watch that have taught me loads about proper husbandry. This answer just depends on what knowledge you're talkin' about. Who would you want to be the flower girl at your wedding? Probably a niece. Do you want to be married within the next ten years? It'd be nice. Do you feel like your life is too fast-paced, or do you wish it were busier? Ugh, I wish it was busier. My days are a COMPLETE, routine drag. What are some hobbies which you want to pick up? I want to just be more artsy. I wanna draw and write more, and I'd love love love to be in healthy enough shape to handle going on walks with my camera. There are sometimes I miss editing videos, too. I'm unsure about completely new hobbies. Does anyone encourage you to go after your dreams? My family and a few friends. Oh, and definitely my psychiatrist. What group are you most active in on Facebook? None, really. I mostly just observe. Are you ashamed of anything? A number of things. Primarily not having a job at my age or even being in school. What were your favorite Disney rides as a kid? I loved Splash Mountain, I think it was called. What were your favorite rides at Cedar Point? Never been. What are some places you want to visit that you’ve never been? South Africa, Alaska, Canada, Yellowstone National Park, Bahamas, Venice, Rome... What are some places that you’ve been that you’d like to go to again? Disney World, Chicago, and this one super clear lake I swam in once a few hours away that I don't recall the name of. Have you ever owned a succulent? No. While they're pretty, I've never been much of a plant person. Do you support small businesses? I REALLY want to start doing that more when I have the option to buy my own stuff/have my own income. As someone who wants to be a freelance photographer, I get it. Starting an independent business is hard as hell. If a brand were to sponsor you, which brand(s) would you prefer? Uhhh I dunno. Have you read the entire Bible? No. Do you make bucket lists for each season? No. That does sound kinda fun, though. How old were you when you first dyed your hair? I have no idea. Do you dye your hair regularly? No. :/ I desperately want to, though. It's just not something we can afford to spare cash on. What is the most comfortable type of pants, in your opinion? Pajama pants? haha Do you think you could ever be famous? No. I'm way too boring and don't want to be anyway. What are some jobs you’ve had in the past? Sales associate, cashier, and deli worker. None lasted long whatsoever. What are some jobs you want to or would like to have? List five. FIVE? I don't know. I just know I want to be a photographer. Well, being an artist or poet would be very cool. And a reptile breeder, maybe tarantulas, too, but that makes me kinda nervous with JUST how many babies they have. What are some jobs you have considered? In rough order from youth to now: paleontologist, vet, movie director, game designer, author/poet, artist, music video editor, wildlife biologist, photographer... Maybe there's more that just aren't coming to me. Are you thankful for social media, or do you wish it didn’t exist? Depends on the day for me, but I'm generally thankful for it so I can keep up with the lives of people who are important to me. It's just that it's a breeding ground for self-doubt and rampant comparisons that can easily depress me when I see some people are "further ahead" and more "established" than me. What are some of the best medications you’ve ever had? The combined efforts of Latuda and Lamictal saved my life. What was a video you watched over and over as a kid? There were lots of movies, like The Lion King, a certain Barney one when I was very young, and I watched Finding Nemo like crazy. Do you know a lot of people who were loving, and then turned cold? Jason????????????????? Is that you??????????????????????????????????????????? Do you own anything plaid? Ha, what a coincidence, I'm wearing my red plaid pj pants. Are you good at remembering names? Definitely not. Have the cops ever gotten on to you for anything before? No. What email thingy do you use? (yahoo, gmail, rock) ... Rock? lol anyway my main is Hotmail, but I inevitably have a gmail to have a YouTube account. What game system(s) do you own? PS2, Wii, Nintendo DS Lite, and a GameBoy Advance. Are you any good at Guitar Hero? I used to be; I played most songs on Expert, then some really tough ones on Hard. I was soooooo addicted to those games. I remember when I got the first one for Christmas, I literally played it all day. Have you ever played Call of Duty? Nah, not my jam. What is your favorite/most visited website? YouTube. Is your bed comfortable? Sure. I've definitely had way worse. Do you have a garage? No. Fun fact, I've never lived in a house with one. Should you be doing anything right now? What? There's a number of things I could be doing that are definitely more productive, like finishing decorating my damn room. Do doctors or dentists make you more nervous? Not really. I only ever get nervous to hear my weight at the doctor's. Did you ever think you were about to die before? I don't quite know. When I ODed, it was more like I didn't care if I did. Have you ever really had a near death experience? Was it cool? "Was it cool." Literally fuck off. I guess you could technically consider my OD a "near death experience," especially given how many pills I took, yet I somehow experienced almost no ill symptoms. Maybe because we got to the ER for fluids quickly enough, idk. I'm just glad I didn't die. What is your favorite kind of weather? Snowy! Like a steady snowfall of large flakes with no breeze and total silence. *chef's kiss* Ever tasted beer? Ugh, no. Just the smell makes me sick. It was my dad's drink of choice when he was an alcoholic so I just have a very negative association with it. Have you ever seen a dead body? Yes, at an open-casket wake. Ever poured salt on a slug? As kids, my sisters and I would get our parents to do it because they grossed us out. So, so cruel. I still have this weird but pretty extreme phobia of them, but I wouldn't torture the things like that.

[idwithoutthesuperego]

Okay, im gonna say something that is probably going to get misinterpreted if you never done some deep research about it. But please read it untill the end.

Have people who follow me heard about the "adhd only exists in america"?

It's basically about how ahdh is only diagnosed in very especific countries. Such as Brazil and USA for example. Said countries are the same countries where there are very especific pharmacology companies, that sell the basic compounds necessary for making adhd medicine either to other companies or to the goverment's health systems.

Besides that, in every other country in the world, that are almost no, or none at all, records of adhd recorded.

But how could that happen? If it is listed as a disease?

Well, the first ever study who identified it, was payed by the same company who started selling methylphenidate hydrochloride, as the the medicines called "concerta (transleted as fix it, so you could fix your kids behaviour by druging them)", that is the basics to make all the adhd medicine.

The doctors who released the first studies, that lead to ahdh being classified as desease, later testified that the were forced to lie about the number of pacients used and the results, that in fact, they hadn't had any valuable findings after all the years and private money spent. But they had to come up with something. So they used symptons of other known diseases that were harder to diagnose and associated with low educational ratings to give it a broader spectrum of possible symptons. Such as depressions, bypolar, people who were prived of develepmental stages and never learned how to properly focus on matters at hand, people who have brains lesions, etc. And all of this only came to light recently in the scientific community.

But suddenly, information about adhd spread about it in media, schools, internet and whenever you'd go to a doctor's office, you could probably have it, so you would get just the free sample of a miraculous medicine, that is an opioid, wich gives you tons of energy and focus, numbs part of your emotions, but also makes you an addict. Perfect sale. Also makes you feel super whenever you take, minus all the side effects.

Also, schools systems, every goverment rep and so on were kept out of it, out of the blame, so goverments founded it. Because it was kids fault they were neurodivergent and teachers fault for not noticing. So you dont have to improve schools, just send them to private doctors. Because the medicine isn't free.

Also, there is a high incidence of people near college entrance exams, or near job interviews, tests and etc buying medicine such as aderral in bulks without any prescription (in places where you need it) so they can sleep less and keep focused to study for example. Wich further consolidates the notion the "you can do it if you work hard" idea plus giving high profits to the medic companies.

But how did it get onto the dsm for example? Well, diseases manuals and what not are both based and founded by doctor's papers and doctor's groups. As long as you pay for both, you can make it happen.

For example, if you have different kinds of autism you need different kinds of assistence. But a few years ago one manual used in brazil put them all into one category cause it was cheaper when processing into the health system. That way they didnt need to pay for different facilities or personal. And the medic community approved it.

What does that mean to people diagnosed with adhd? Does it mean your life is a lie?

NO. It means you may have other neurodivegert condition, or, in some cases, no condition at all. Because people where paid to sell you medicine. And so, you have been given addictive medicine that both boosts your focus and numbs your emotions for such a big part of your life, that you became unable to cope with them without it.

What about people who were diagnosed with it? Well, in my personal experience, i now about 30 people who were misdiagnosed with adhd. Both therapists and people from other areas and social classes, neurodivergent and not, me included. We all had the same complaints/symptons, that "suddenly" disapeared after the quit the medication, went after good psychiatrists and doctors and worked on it.

Since i have been misdiagnosed i have been actively researching this and have become a psychologyst. My personal experience, my studies, people, and professors have the same opinion.

You dont need to agree if you dont want to. Just try to make sure you arent sacrificing your money, your physical and mental health over a misdiagnose.

[lanajvmeson]

emerges frm a field of corn slinking in w a faux mink shrug dangling around my elbows n a strand of wheat between my teeth..... farmer eleganza.... hlo! my name’s nai. i am bt a humble ghoul arrived to haunt ur home. 23 n she/her pronouns n i live in manchester. fun fact my friend’s neighbour used to b harry styles PE teacher. i played delilah yrs ago as carlson young (n even cara delevingne at one point what the fk) which feels so weird n ancient to me nw bt i missed her a lot so decided to spruce her bk to life.... ANYWAY delilah’s pinterest is here n i’ll jst leap right into things without further ado

(NICOLA PELTZ, CIS-FEMALE) - Have you seen DELILAH ASTOR? LILAH is in HER JUNIOR year. The POLITICAL SCIENCE MAJOR is 21 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say SHE is BEGUILING, BLUNT, CUNNING and APATHETIC. Rumors say they’re a member of CALLOWAY. I heard from the gossip blog that SHE WAS IN A REHABILITATION CENTRE IN SWITZERLAND INSTEAD OF DOING CHARITY WORK LIKE HER SOCIAL MEDIA CLAIMED.  (NAI. 23. GMT. SHE/HER.) 

HISTORY

their family is kind of modelled off the sedgwick family like old money n pretty dysfunctional bt all abt keeping up a seamless facade of perfection... with a pinch of the kennedy’s in there. her dad’s high up in politics n his dad before tht ws in politics n it’s just a long prestigious line of clones in expensive suits as far as delilah’s concerned. her dad i picture as like.... nate archibald’s grandfather in gossip girl.... personality wise.

for as long as she cn remember she’s found this cookie cutter white picket fence life boring. stifling. to delilah it’s like being hemmed in a stuffy room n forbidden frm opening a window. it’s all vry Rich People Problems i wnt lie bt <3 she feels everlastingly bored. All The Time. plus her family hs always been a focal point fr tabloids etc which doesn’t help this feeling of not rly Living but just being the focus of a spectator sport. they’re lowkey a bit of a household name so they get a bunch of scrutiny n......... well. new bullet point alert! cue a powerpoint transition

(self harm & depression tw) frm being young delilah always knew there ws sort of. a white noise inside her where everyone else saw a technicolour movie screen. it rly hit her at like 12 i’d say as she was jst coasting towards adolescence. it ws pretty obvious frm her behaviour i’d say bt her parents only became Aware it ws a problem when she stuck a fork into a socket n short circuited the power in the house. she got shocked unconscious n when she woke up she told the in house dr they’d called (to keep it under wraps frm outsiders) tht she just.... couldn’t feel anything. she’d been reading frankenstein (she’s always liked gothic literature) n thought it’d zap her to life like the monster

her parents got her on medication n figured that wld fix everything. they didn’t like to talk abt things and that was that. it wasn’t to be mentioned again

delilah’s parents r just very.... sterile. family is abt appearances. they’ll be all smiles n flowing conversation when ppl are around bt it feels like being an actress n reading frm a script. being a toy in a dollhouse

she had two siblings: an older sister named clara & a younger brother named elijah. clara ws always like.... the Dream daughter. did everything right. amazing grades. america’s sweetheart. LOVED by the press. did sm charity work. elijah was fine/kind of a slacker compared bt coasted by on athletic prowess (captain of the rowing team). delilah hs very much always been the anomaly in this idyllic line-up. middle child effect! altho having said tht she’s always ran w the popular crowd of her age group bc Rich + Pretty = Status. it’s all quite superficial n delilah’s attitude on the matter can b summed up w this photoset. having said tht there was Some merit in constantly being paraded around as “such a pretty thing” bc a few modelling agencies attempted to scout her bt delilah found that boring. she wants to b called brilliant not beautiful. her mother called this her “not playing to the advantages that god gave her”. with a tight-lipped smile and a “god forbid i use my brain”, delilah only disappointed her further <3

(drugs & ed tw) delilah gt pretty heavy into partying fr the sake of trying to Feel something. intense on the drugs front (coke n prescription pills). rarely eating. she got a silver broach of a swan tht she pins to most of her clothes n u can unscrew the swan’s neck n pull it out to reveal a little powder spoon. still wears this today. clara n delilah were always super close n clara wld cover fr her a bunch. making up lies n jst having her back to their parents if they ever asked where she was / she ws in trouble n needed to keep it under wraps. when delilah hd an article in a tabloid pretty mch like this one clara talked their parents dwn frm sending her to a rehabilitation centre in switzerland. they gt it pretty much scorched frm existence bt delilah kept a clipping bc honestly she thought it was funny hw pale her mother went abt it

(car accident & drunk driving & death tw) at a fancy benefit the astors were all attending among 4857925974 uppity families delilah wound up heading off w some of the rich kids n one thing lead to another n a couple of them gt arrested fr a coke scandal. delilah used her phone call to contact clara n fr once clara hd let loose a little n hd something to drink bt still drove to the station to bail delilah out n try n fix her mess bt.... skipped a red light n crashed. she died upon impact.

(hospitalisation & drugs & addiction tw) this made delilah spiral massively obviously.... she clung on by the skin of her teeth fr a while bt she rly was just getting quite out of control doing an extremely excessive amt of coke to get by at this point so her parents actually did.... end up shipping her off to switzerland for rehabilitation. they didn’t tell anyone this tho n as far as ppl were/are aware she was doing charity work with habitat for humanity in trinidad. her parents literally........... hired ppl to take photos of things there n a social media team posted them to her instagram account jst. the most elaborate lie.... it’s a lot.

delilah jst pretty much went along w whatever they said at the facility bt didn’t absorb any of it too much.... she did get sober there bt it was vry much bc she had no other choice rather than a want to......... she even pretended to “find god” while she ws there n memorised bible lines to recite w a coolly detached smile. in her head she ws probably thinking abt hw her mandated therapist cld gladly eat shit and she’d be happy to watch. it was just like.... everyone there was RLY hideously overpaid bt did they actually Care abt their work or patients? debatable. wasn’t the most healing experience thru delilah’s eyes bt... maybe it’d work better if she’d actually opened her mind to it bt anyway...... <3 cornelius fudge voice: she’s back. the dark lord.....

PERSONALITY:

nw tht her history is out of the way i’ll leap like a flea off a shaggy dog’s back into personality! aesthetically she almost ALWAYS wears white/cream. reminds me of the woman in white frm sharp objects. rarely she’ll dabble in silver or gold or like..... vry pale green bt.... always muted tones. usually white or cream. big white sunhats. white sunglasses. white pussybow blouses w a little white skirt n a pearl barrette in her hair. she even smokes white sobranie cigs tht r imports like it’s a lot she’s truly committed to the aesthetic.... paired w like. classic patent mary janes.... she tends to flutter around the place like a silk moth. likes lace too. hs a very put together image n even demeanour like she’s very lithe n graceful n drifts like a ghost which kind of contrasts w... who she is at her core bt in the astor family it’s all abt appearances <3 the only deviation from this is she sometimes wears dark blue mascara once in a blue moon n if ppl comment on this she’s like. idk what ur talking abt? glides away like a ghost in a haunted mansion n is never seen again.

very perceptive. incredibly observant. yrs of early life media training n being born frm politicians means she’s an excellent liar. she knows ppl n knows what makes them tick bt she’ll only use this when necessary. she isn’t a terrible person bt she knows how to b Very mean n will equip this as a weapon shd a situation call fr it. also more prone to lashing out since her sister......... she hs sometimes played chess games socially fr kicks

dark n biting sense of humour. rather frank abt things. VERY ruthless when scorned bt she isn’t particularly?? emotive abt it??? her bf cheated on her once n when he told her she slapped him rly hard in front of sm ppl he knew n then jst walked away. blocked him on literally everything. removed him frm the face of the earth as far as she ws concerned. had him blacklisted frm every event n told ppl they’d be cut too if they continued to associate w him. goodbye sir <3 u are the weakest link <3 needless to say he regretted it <3

very loyal to u until she isn’t. finds it very easy to cut ties if need be. once her trust is broken it is gooooone baby goone.... the trust is Gone. selective in who she cares abt

vry cavalier abt sex. she doesn’t sleep around hugely i dnt think??? bt when she does it isn’t often tht emotionally invested she’ll jst out of the blue very nonchalantly blow out a wisp of smoke n b like. so u want to fuck me then? cool. proceeds to get up as if she’s walking to leave n then looks bk n is like what do ur legs not work? follow me. n leads them somewhere

nothing rly.... moves her particularly. she isn’t very animated. it’s like she jst finds the entire world thoroughly unimpressive. it’s difficult to stimulate excitement from her. it’s like that hugh laurie quote where he realised he had depression bc “boredom is not an appropriate response to exploding cars”.

has a pet swan bk at home she’s named lilith inspired by satan’s offspring. lilith bites ppl if they get close n is honestly an abomination of a bird. delilah finds her funny n throws her bits of croissants sometimes bt even she isn’t immune to her pecks. in some ways they’re similar...... hv a graceful surface appearance / aesthetic bt a darker attitude beneath the surface

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

exes: the ex bf tht cheated on her n she got blacklisted from 94872347 social events cld be a fun thing to explore..... delilah wld be EXTREMELY cold towards him n honestly want him dead. wouldn’t show any shred of caring abt him at all she’s very gd at stoning her emotions n keeping them inside. hasn’t cried since her sister died as an example of how..... withdrawn she is from confessing her innermost thoughts n desires. maybe an ex bf before tht that she rly didn’t take seriously at all..... typically she just isn’t interested/invested in romance she’s vry apathetic abt it all

party friends: those tht run in similar rich kid circles tht she would have smuggled off with at fancy events so they could let loose.......... ppl tht r completely her opposite who she finds interesting bc they represent everything she always wanted outside the oppression of her strict regiment family....... mutual bad influences tht are heavy into drugs n always enable each other...... u name it!

hook-ups: she doesn’t have a HUGE amt of these bt.... maybe a select handful.... some she wld have hooked up w once n never again n just been like >_> if they implied they shd as if it was preposterous n she was thoroughly over it.... some maybe she’d find interesting enough to extend beyond tht...... none she’d invest in if she cld help it altho? maybe someone as an exception to tht rule cld be fun

friends of her sister: (death tw) clara was universally well liked for being rly sweet n well intentioned n she attended yates only two yrs delilah’s senior so she might have some connections here still somehow??? cld be angsty to work with

i won’t lie i’m rly hungry as i write up these wcs so my brain’s going blank n i’m gna have to sprint to get some toast bt <3 roommates, enemies, competitive friendships, resentments, angst, chaos, drama, strife, u name it n i am dwn!!!! hits post n takes off galloping dwnstairs

[brideylee]

Can We Talk About Covid Yet??

         I have been losing my mind with quarantine Covid 19 anxiety fatigue so I thought I’d take to tumblr to get some thoughts down. I deleted instagram and twitter and have avoided the news the past couple days. I am doing a four week, no social media detox. Yes, this is a privileged thing to get to do for the good of my own psyche. I am on email threads for the latest on protests, petitions, reading materials etc. But my addiction to the emotional reactivity got too strong for me.  I will melt the iceberg of frantic energy  in my head so I can de-thaw and focus on hot summer flings. Dirty outdoors sex! Rough doggy style bonking! A juicy 6ft distanced lap dance!   Non-mask wearers don’t apply! And also I’ll be better able to serve myself, the community, the movement. Everything. I don’t think people realize we have to work inside out.  As I walked through Echo Park tonight, I saw a muscle man in a low v tee with a cross around his neck who seemed to be on a first date with three blonde women. Not a mask on any one of them. We’re screwed. Well, he definitely is screwing right now. : ) I guess what I am saying is that I am jealous. 

           What a wondrous and wild time to be alive.  I feel very grateful to witness the kind of healing chaos that’s all around. At the same time, the chaos bit is what can be tricky to navigate, especially when you don’t feel like the “most stable STABLE” of the horse stables, ya feel? My world felt NUTS when I got a bob cut with shaved sides.  This is a whole new wacky-do filled with mainly confronting your deepest, scariest parts of yourself, your country, and our fragile human race. It is beautiful to become more and more conscious, but it’s hard because you suddenly see your legs are broken, your eyes have been shut so long they crusted over. and you have to relearn everything. I don’t think this is an underestimation. My privilege, white peoples collective privilege, has kept us in these problems. For instance, I complain about not writing enough to every therapist I’ve had for the past seven years. You think I write that much more? Not really! Because I get to talk on  a cushy couch about it, and that sorta helps me think the problem will solve itself. But, alas, I still haven’t finished my novel “If Only The Moon Would Spank Me”. 

            For awhile I wanted to pitch to Gary Numan that he should record a cover of his hit 1979 “Cars” but change the word to “Quar” “Here in my quar, I feel safest from all! I can lock all the doors and its the only way to live/ in Quars” It seemed like a sure fire “Of course, Bridey. I’ll be right on it.” Quar and Car are very easy to change, and the lyrics make sense, could be fun. Anyways, I decided not to bug him about it and realized it really had more to do with my own anxiety about the world being ripped open and reaching for some 80s nostalgia to teethe on like an ear of corn to stop myself from screaming. 

            I am not on dating apps and I think maybe I’ll throw in celibacy to the detox. Why not? Masturbation feels like rubbing together two balloons and my porn interests have drastically changed.  It used to see be so easy, now I have more luck putting on the yule log channel. I don't think I will ever be attracted to a person for the same things again. We’re all receiving some x-ray vision from this slow motion living. 

               A man walked by my house and told me Corona was Choronzon.   Choronzon is a demon from occultist 16th century literature that Aleister Crowley and John Dee “summoned”. It is the female version of the serpent and her number is 333. According to the inter web, it is the last obstacle between humans and enlightenment. It is sent to pierce the veil of reality and separate those in ego and those who are enlightened. Choronzon is all about mental and bodily decay. It causes hive brain so people can’t distinguish the thoughts they are having from those around them, so peoples inner truths get buried. It’s a cloud of inane “I am” statements that bolster self-identifying delusions. Anyways, there is lots on Choronzon. As a religious horror- lover, and a former Catholic school girl, this tickled me in the exact right place. (An inch above and to the left of my asshole.) 

          Is Corona “Coronzon”? Or is it just a virus? Are we undergoing a massive human shift or are we going to forget about this and let it fester like a wound on a wound? Happy Friyay!

[abcsofadhd]

On being diagnosed with ADHD in midlife

@campfiresbeerandcoffee got diagnosed with ADHD in their early 50s and I asked them to share their story. 

It’s kinda long but its a damn interesting read about a person’s experience with ADHD and a late diagnosis. It’s VERY well written and I’ve only spaced it out and bolded it for better readability.

Remember, it’s really NEVER too late to get a diagnosis.

I’ve known people with ADHD most of my life. I knew what it was, obviously. It was that boy who was socially inappropriate and weird, the one who got angry too fast, who touched oddly, who couldn’t sit still. 

It was the squirrel brained women I knew, that changed jobs, were super smart, had multiple competencies and could instantly grasp systems, but had so much drive they were always up, always working, always learning. It wasn’t ME.

It didn’t even occur to me that I had ADHD. I wasn’t a problem. I sat quietly in class, lost in my own thoughts, doodling. I could focus for hours on books, on coding, on the grains of sand on a sunny beach. I certainly didn’t have an attention disorder. 

My dad died in my 2nd year of uni. I didn’t do well. Well meaning counselors said I was high strung and should avoid all sugar and stimulants. Are you kidding? Caffeine kept me sane. Eventually I changed majors, and managed to graduate with a BA.

I even managed to get into grad school, and did entrepreneur things too. But eventually I crumbled again and didn’t finish my thesis. I had anger issues. I was high then low. I would rage and weep. I’d spend weeks in apathy, when I had everything I wanted: a business, a wife, wonderful family. But it was a long dark bleak tunnel every day.

Then I heard a radio show on chronic depression and recognized my symptoms. Got some help and medication, and managed to co-found a company.  The anti-depression meds helped, settling on Wellbutrin eventually. But things were still hard.

I got a straight job to help my wife start her career. I worked in an office, coding and structuring information systems. Prestige, recognition, it was great for my ego, good benefits and fair pay. 

10 years in this high performance position I crashed from accumulated stress when my mom died. I was prepared with Wellbutrin and counselling and even so I burned out with major depression and anxiety and ptsd symptoms.  

Took 3 years off work before I dared to take a job with minimal responsibility. In that time I had full on major ADHD symptoms but didn’t recognize them. I couldn’t say what I did all day. 

I couldn’t make a list, couldn’t go in the store. Couldn’t read. Couldn't feed myself. Couldn’t clean. Couldn’t listen. Just- floated in a fog of stress and anxiety. Developed skin issues, auto-immune issues, insomnia, eye twitches. Couldn’t even sit at a computer screen. I was completely useless. Couldn’t leave the house.

Eventually tho, as I worked through what I thought was PTSD, learning to accept the new broken me, I was able to watch a full 20 minute sitcom. Success! I was elated. Who could I tell? Who would celebrate that as an achievement? Yay, you watched TV? Pffft. 

But I was thrilled. And I could go to the store. Maybe even buy a few things. Often I’d just sit in the parking lot. But increasingly I could do some things around the house. Walk the dogs. Buy milk. So I accepted when opportunity offered me a lower-stress job related to my interests.

At my new job, I learned to make eye contact again, slowly re-learned to do simple math again. Cashing out would take me over an hour. I tried so hard to remember names and orders. Failed miserably. Tried to accept the new no-brain me. Found comfort in routine tasks. Developed coping strategies for memory. Accepted that maybe my purpose was to be a heart not a brain. My whole self-worth was always being the smart expert. Now I was busted. But that was ok, because it had to be! 

Medicated with prescription cannabis and started seeing big improvements in depressive symptoms. That led to being able to exercise. Exercise helped immensely. So I was bringing in a bit of money, I was leaving the house and interacting, and felt much better.

Met a co-worker who told me about her ADHD. I understood completely. Had my first “a-ha!” moment when someone asked me how was it that  I understood her. Oh. OH! Other people don’t understand her, and I do. Why?

But, I couldn’t be ADHD, surely? My coworker was classic ADHD in the way I then understood it. Changing topics all over in conversation, but I’d follow right along? We’d chat for hours after work. I grew to admire her strategies for getting things done, her tenacity, her acceptance that she could do things differently. 

And as I admired her force-of-nature engagement with the world, her acceptance of herself, I started to be open to the idea that there was more to ADHD than I thought. I really didn’t think I was ADHD, but how was it I could understand and keep up with her? And when I asked her about it, she looked at me like of course I probably had ADHD, and she thought I already knew?

So after working with her for 2 years I started to read about ADHD, because I was experiencing a little less stress and could focus to read again. But I hadn’t found out yet about the emotional dysregulation. I just knew I was functioning again, kinda. And so I embraced the feelings. I chased them, like an addict, seeking to feel good again.  

And boy did it feel good to let myself feel. I’d learned to build a box around my emotions, because I was always too sensitive, too happy, too sad, too worried. At my coding job, I just lost myself in matrices and code and denied my emotions.  My coworkers had affectionately called me Mr. Roboto. That hurt. But that was the old me. Now, I was going to LIVE and FEEL HAPPY, and it was great. I was elated. 

I partied and made new friends and drank too much and got stoned too much and talked too much and in my exploration  I left such wreckage around me. I was oblivious at first. But when I saw what I’d done, I was in torment. If I couldn’t be a brain, and I couldn’t be a heart, then what good was I? I desperately wanted to be ordinary, but I didn’t know how, and I was going to lose everything.

And then as I tried to get a handle on my behavior, some ADHD memes popped up on social media, and then they popped up with a funny story and I related. And again. And again. And I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

Your blog specifically woke me up to the emotional dysregulation aspect, and following that thread of research made my likely ADHD undeniable. So I did the predictable thing and denied it for another year.

Finally I went in for assessment because if I had it, I couldn’t let my kids go untested and if I was going to ask them to try, I had to start with me. Doc didn’t even blink. Basically said, of course you have ADHD. 

This has been everyone’s reaction, when I share my diagnosis with my friends: “Are you really surprised, really?” Yes, dammit, I am! It’s surprising and hard to hear, yes, you are in fact broken. But it’s also freeing. I can stop beating myself up.  I can get appropriate help. I can try meds.

I am terrified of stimulants, because I’m super sensitive to caffeine, and even Wellbutrin was unsustainable for me, causing too much jitters. But I’m taking my Vyvanse and being hopeful. If it doesn’t work out, there is a non stimulant option.

 I know meds won’t solve everything. I know that I have so many of the strategies already, I recognize them in the ADHD forums, and books. But maybe meds will leave me enough energy to address things. Maybe I’ll be able to Get Things Done.

This medicated hopeful happiness does feel a bit like mania, I’ve learned to be distrustful of my happiness. But if it’s going to be helpful, I’m going to try it.  It’s early days.

I’m reading Gina Petra’s Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder. And it’s wrenching. I knew my latest crisis was hard on my family, but I didn’t realize it’s been the whole marriage, it’s been my whole life, school, college, career, midlife! It’s enlightening but hard to read testimonials from people living with untreated ADHD partners, and recognize myself in their stories. I had no idea of the extent ADHD was contributing to my personality and behavior.

My wife and kids deserve to be off the rollercoaster. I also deserve to be happy. I want to look forward to each day again instead of waking up knowing I’m going to fuck up again.

So it’s not a comfortable place to be, here in the spotlight. But it sure as hell beats being in the dark and blindly flinging myself in a new direction. It’s revealing. It means taking personal responsibility. 

But it also means hope. Hope that it can be better. Hope I can stop hurting the people I love. Hope I can be the person I want to be, the person I’ve been on occasion. It means hope for sustainable stable relationships and jobs. 

[brainboys]

[TOM HOLLAND, CISMALE, HE/HIM] have you seen QUINN WRIGHT around sedona? QUINN is a UNIVERSITY STUDENT/PART-TIME PIZZA DELIVERY GUY, but they’re also THE ENCYCLOPEDIA in the sedona sleuths, so you’ve probably seen them around the firehouse shed. they’re known for being QUICK-WITTED and EARNEST, but they’re also known to be GULLIBLE and IMPULSIVE. when they’re not at the shed, i can usually find them at the PIZZERIA. i can always recognize them by their untied shoelaces, a carefully curated pokemon card collection, adept fingers pressing away on a nintendo, the rush of exhaustion after being late and misplaced optimism. 

biography, playlist, pinterest board & connections.

the encyclopedia:  The brains of the group, they know loads of random facts that come in handy in the tightest of situations. They’re also probably the one doing the background research when needed.

B A S I C S :

name: quinn wright. nickname:  quinn. age: twenty-two. date of birth: october 11th. place of birth: sedona, ka. gender: cismale. pronouns: he/him. sexuality: gay (not out).

P H Y S I C A L :

height: 173cm. build: slim. hair color: brown. eye color: brown. tattoos: none. piercings: none. preferred style of clothing: fashion is not a topic of interest to him,   so he tends to lean towards comfort over style.   he doesn’t go shopping for clothes often,   so he rotates between a few graphic t-shirts,   button-ups,   and light sweaters for the summer.   in winter,   he wears over-sized hoodies and sweatpants as often as he can get away with it.   he hopes people don’t notice,   but he only owns two pairs of jeans and slightly over-sized dress pants for emergencies. 

H E A L T H :

physical ailments: none. mental disorders: dyslexia,   combined ADHD & battling with depression.  smoker? no. drinker? socially. drug user? no. addictions: none. allergies: none.

P E R S O N A L I T Y :

zodiac signs: libra sun,   gemini moon. mbti: enfp-t, the campaigner. hogwarts house: gryffindor. positive traits:

quick-witted: quinn is known for being quick on his feet,  but that’s not only in a physical sense.    when someone pushes him against a corner,   whether it’s with a comment made to tease him or a new revelation during an investigation that throws them off,    he’s sharp with a silver tongue rapier and speedily familiarizes himself with information,   easily readjusting it into what he already has in a way that tends to get them out of difficult situations. 

earnest: this is a trait he had to learn,   for better or for worse.   it’s something he actively forces himself to be in order to get anything done.   since his mind tends to be scattered and he’s doing or thinking about doing five things at once,   and then something else,   he uses tactics he learned at therapy to focus on tasks he needs to get done and that includes having a lot of conviction for the things that other people can do with ease,   like sitting down for long enough to finish a rough draft of an essay without getting distracted for a whole day.   he applies this mostly to schoolwork and day-to-day necessities,   but when they’re working on a new mystery,   quinn sits himself down and does research on the background.   this is something he genuinely enjoys doing,   so he struggles less to focus on it. 

friendly: while he doesn’t stray away from the sleuths,   he has no problems making friends and talking to strangers outside of the group.   he can be shy with new people and prefers being around those who he already knows,   but if left alone at a party,   he’ll have a new friend group in ten minutes.

negative traits:

gullible: quinn really is this tiktok.   someone could tell him anything and he’d be like   ‘ ok yeah why not ’   even though it’s an obvious lie.   he takes everything at face value and rarely tries to see what’s behind people’s words.   people have told him to stop being so trusting towards others,   especially when they’re working on solving something,   but quinn really does the same shit over and over because it’s in his nature to just trust people and not think to question their intentions.  

impulsive: compliment him all you want about how smart he is,   the only reason he’s got so much knowledge inside of his brain is that he has no impulse control and if he suddenly has the thought that he needs to know something about how the future might look like with self-operated cars,   ways of murdering someone through poison,   the algorithm behind rubix cubes or literally any topic under and beyond the sun,   he’ll obsess over it for a few days.   quinn gets hyperfixations because of his ADHD and they range from videogames to wildly specific points in history. 

anxious: anxious counts as one of quinn’s primary moods,   and sometimes anxiety comes right in the middle of a perfectly normal day if anything goes slightly wrong,   like losing his favorite pen or realizing that he forgot to grab his lunch box before leaving the house that day.   since quinn tries really hard to keep a schedule,   he feels off whenever he forgets something on it and it brings down his whole mood.   in stressful situations,   quinn paces back and forth with anxiety,   whispering to himself and trying to catch up with his brain.   this usually means that he’s thinking really hard on finding a way to solve a situation,   though sometimes he’ll be so anxious that it impedes him from thinking straight.

love language: physical touch & words of affirmation.  hobbies: video games (lots of them), collecting pokemon cards, keeping up on scientific developments, researching the sleuth’s cases, running, murder mysteries and general mysteries, and whatever his new hyperfixation is. fears: not fitting in, failure, abandonment, needles.

B A C K G R O U N D ,   T D ; L R :

tw: mentions of cancer, death, and homophobia.

quinn basically grew up in queen’s pizzeria.    that’s where his mom worked when he was a kid,   so his dad would pick him up from school and drop him off there for the rest of his mom’s shift because he needed to go back to his own job and the pizzeria is where they allowed quinn to hang-out. 

he struggled a lot with school and was labeled as a problem child.   he hated doing school work and he fell behind in reading,   but when quinn entered high-school,   he was diagnosed with dyslexia and combined ADHD.    by that time,   his parents had already gotten divorced after spending quinn’s childhood poorly hiding their frequent fights.    his mom also got diagnosed with cancer,   and times were rough.

his dad remarried and quinn stayed with his mom throughout her illness.   at one point,   when the bills were too high even though he was working part-time at the pizzeria,   he convinced his mom to let him go off his meds and join a sports team at school instead.   it was to ease the financial strain off them,   and it only helped a little bit. 

quinn joined track and kept going to therapy.   his mom had ups and downs but mostly downs,   since medication would stop working after a while until they realized that they were only temporarily treating her cancer but they wouldn’t be able to cure it.    it gave them time to prepare for her death,   so they did.

his mom taught him what she could about living independently from her before she passed away,   though quinn doesn’t think that any amount of preparation could prepare him for the grief that came. 

he moved out of his childhood home and into his dads place with his new family,    a stepmom and two stepsiblings.   he lived in the basement,   which was his choice,   and quit his job at the pizzeria to focus on school and track full-time like he’d promised his mom.   his dad has always been high-key homophobic so at some point in high school quinn dated the first girl who said yes because he was having doubts about his sexuality and he was afraid of it. 

after graduating high school,   quinn decided to pick up his old job again during the summer between graduation and his new year at sedona’s community college and he’s been working there ever since.   he tries to ask his dad for as little as possible since he’s already paying for his tuitions.   quinn wants to build a career in biochemical engineering,   so he’s studying biology and hopes to transfer to the nearest university where they offer that degree even if it’s post-graduate. 

he broke up with his girlfriend after graduating high-school and honestly his dad’s going to be homophobic no matter what so forcing himself into a relationship he didn’t want was just toxic for both parties involved and he’d never do it again,   especially because he let it go on for so long. 

and that’s it for this part !   his biography has everything much more coherently laid out but tbh it’s kinda long so !!

H E A D C A N O N S :

quinn is really enthusiastic about pokemon so if ur thinking of a gift,   u can’t go wrong with anything related to it.   it’s been his favorite show and video games since he was a child so there’s a lot of nostalgia tied to it. 

quinn has a ton of game apps on his phone and he rarely uses social media.   whenever he’s bored and sitting around,   he prefers playing a game rather than scrolling through a feed.   he also carried around his nintendos...   the nintendo console depends on which game he’s playing but he’s often seen with the 3ds or switch. 

whenever someone interrupts him,   whether it’s mid-sentence,   mid-homework,   mid-whatever-task,   they’ll always get his ‘oh shit’ face because he knows it’ll be hard to focus on whatever he was doing again.   if his thoughts or sentences are interrupted,   he 100% won’t pick up where he left off unless someone reminds him. 

quinn’s often seen with headphones on because he prefers to listen to books since reading is a whole ass task that requires a lot of focus that he doesn’t have and dyslexia absolutely makes things worse.   when texting,   auto-complete is his savior. 

quinn has loved dinosaurs ever since he read jane yolen’s children's books in primary school.   if it has a dinosaur on it,   he’ll buy it. 

he hates the way alcohol tastes but he thinks that drinking is cool so he won’t tell anyone about it.    he honestly doesn’t even drink to get drunk because he’s a good boy but if holding a beer makes him look like he fits in,   he’s going to hold a beer.

quinn...    tries to fit in.   he’s friendly by nature but he doesn’t think that’s enough.   it might have to do with the comments his dad used to make about homosexuality that made him feel like he has to fit a certain mold or else he won’t be accepted by others. 

he’s known he was gay since high-school but he has only really dated a girl.   he’s afraid of being intimate with a boy because he knows that’s what he wants but he has been suppressing that part of himself and thinks that he still needs to suppress it because of his dad.   

the reason he got re-hired at the pizzeria is that the owner has a quinn-shaped soft spot,   not because he’s good at the job.   quinn has the tendency to be late on deliveries and anyone who tries to get free pizzas will get mouthfuls from him about how it’ll come out of his paycheck and please please please just pay for this pizza i swear i won’t be late next time....   but guess what ?    he’s late next time. 

anddddd i think i’ll leave it at that !!   i’m hella excited to plot with everyone so check out his wanted connections list n i’m sure we can work something out !!!!!!!!!

[fourteenacross]

octet - 5/25/19, 2pm

Hello, hello, I'm back from New Jersey! Which, you probably didn't even know I left, because I never post here anymore, but since we've yet to find a new platform for fannish happenings, I don't really have anywhere else to post show notes and the like.

Anyway, we saw Octet and Hadestown over the long weekend. I saw Hadestown at the NYTW in 2016, but I saw it the same day I saw Hamilton for the first time and my notes are lost to the ages. More about that later, though. (Tomorrow, probably.) For now, I'm going to focus on Octet.

So, here's what I knew about Octet going in: - Part of Dave Malloy's five year residency at the Signature Theatre - internet/discourse - Alex Gibson - a cappella? - support group?

The day before I did a little bit more digging, but I was kind of into going in blind, so I didn't dig too much.

Overall, I really liked it! My above the cut review is that, like all good Malloy shows, it brought up a lot of interesting concepts and shined a light on very relatable behaviors and ways of thinking. It doesn't really have a plot or narrative, and seems to largely exist to explore different types of internet denizens. As such, the characters vacillate between being actual people and being archetypes. I think all of this is fine--not everything needs to be a tautly plotted story, it's okay for this to be a song cycle, not a narrative musical. But I'm putting that out there for anyone who's thinking about going, just so you're aware when you head in.

First off, the set dressing is amazing. It looks just like a ratty church all purpose room, down to the way the light switches are labelled and the signs on the wall with clean-up instructions for group leaders. The walk in is papered with flyers advertising self-help groups, tutoring, charity walks, etc.

The show is set up like a support group meeting. A couple actors come in before the start and clean up the detritus of a bingo game and set up for the meeting, and then the group gathers and they begin. The group is “Friends of Saul,” and group members are told to put their phones off and in a basket against the wall, as they're here for various screen addictions.

Hymn: The Forest: This was a very Malloy song--it starts off a a meditation on a beautiful forest and takes a left turn. Delightful. Halfway through, Velma comes into the meeting and joins the other seven folks for the end of the hymn.

Refresh: Paula, the group leader, welcomes Velma to the group and tells them that Saul can’t be here this week, but he’s asked her to lead. She then asks if anyone wants to share. Jessica acquiesces and talks about how she was the subject of a viral video and has been "egosurfing" ever since, a compulsion to read all the shitty things strangers are saying about her without knowing her at all. (Unsurprisingly, Malloy says this song was heavily influenced by his feelings post-Comet.) Margo Seibert kills this song, which delves into our kneejerk tendency to pile on, sometimes without knowing or caring about context. It made me think a lot about how this goes both ways--the song focused on the negative, but obviously Milkshake Duck Syndrome is the same basic concept at its core.

Candy: Henry offers to share next. He talks about how his life is going okay at the moment, he's been on a few dates, but he hasn't had the heart to tell the guy about his "problem" yet, which is that he's addicted to video games. The song obviously invokes Candy Crush, but also refers to various other games including MMORPGs, FPSs, RPGs, and other phone puzzles games. I love this song--it is insanely catchy, Alex Gibson is delightful, and it's also profoundly sad and relatable. Henry eventually reveals that he uses games to avoid the real world and he's fairly sure he doesn't care if he dies, so he uses these games to string himself along and pass the time. Ouch. Also hashtag relatable content.

Glow: Paula shares next and talks about how she and her husband are both screen addicts and how they'll lie next to each other in bed, each on their own devices, ignoring the other, and how she wishes he would stop bringing the catastrophes of the world into their bed. She's lonely and sad and he doesn't see it because he doesn't look up from his phone. Starr Busby is incredible and, as a person who had to take an eight-month twitter break because she couldn’t handle the constant barrage of despair, I feel this song pretty hard.

Fugue State: Paula sets a metronome ticking for a five minute silent fugue state. The characters cycle through various thoughts about social media and the internet, calling out specific formatting for jokes and call out posts and "um actually"ing other people's comments in a whirlwind of commentary on how we interact with each other online. It's a very well put together song, but it's another one of those moments where it's clear this is a collection of songs about a concept rather than a narrative story.

Hymn: Monster: There's a five minute break, in which Henry approaches Velma, who's been quiet up to this point. She launches into a fast and awkward explanation of how she's on a self-imposed internet hiatus because she keeps getting tied up in discourse that's not good for her. She talks about being a part of a previous group that was not good and how she's since gotten into tarot instead, but there are parts of that group that aren't good, too (she delves into the Sephora Starter Witch Kit debacle), so instead she's taking a break and only talking to her one friend, whom she refers to constantly as "my friend." It was a very stark moment of self-recognition, tee bee aitch, and Velma is definitely the closest to the fannish millennial internet archetype. She says she found the group after Saul broke into a chat with her friend to tell her about it, so her friend said she had to come to check it out. After her monologue about all of this to Henry, the others return from their break to sing a hymn called "Monster" that talks about online trolls and how engaging with them and reading their exploits poisons your brain.

Solo: Karly and Ed alternate in this song, coming together in moments of similar sentiment. It's really an interesting way to handle the topics in question. Karly is singing about dating apps and how hard it is to find a dude who actually cares about her and the thin line between being asserting herself and the possibility of being the impetus for another MRA mass shooting. Ed, meanwhile, is a lonely dude who is on the verge of turning to the incel community because they can relate to his feelings of rejection and isolation. The whole thing is creepy and awful and very well blended--there's some empathy on both sides, while also making it clear how awful these dudes are.

Actually: This is Toby's song. Toby is a former punk kid turned conspiracy theorist. This is the song I struggled with the most. I just couldn't follow it narratively--I wasn't even 100% positive about the "conspiracy theorist" part until I could come home to read the lyrics. The lighting in this song was wonderful, though, and the ensemble was great. It just didn't click with me and it was harder for me to follow.

Little God: Dang, I loved this bit. It was the weirdest, and also had a distinctly Douglas Adams flavor, which was especially apt as I was attending the show on Towel Day. (So, honestly, it’s not surprising that I liked this bit so much, in retrospect.) Marvin, a neuroscientist, is up late with his new baby daughter when he has a vision from god. He chalks it up to a dream until god appears to him again the next morning. He goes to his lab, where all the other scientists have had a similar experience, and god appears to them in the visage of a little girl, whom they call Little God. They do a series of tests to prove whether god is real, and can manage to find scientific explanations for them all, trapped in this cycle of seeing wonderful things and then dissecting them clinically. Velma ends his story by telling him he's "The Hanged Man," the tarot card that represents everything one believes about oneself being flipped on its head.

Tower Tea Ceremony: The group starts a tea ceremony, passing around cups of tea, after which Paula comes around adding drops of something to the cups. Velma nervously asks what it is, and Paula calmly explains that it's a powerful group psychedelic that induces a five minute coma. Everyone else is chill with this, but Velma is visibly startled and nervous and does not drink her tea. Everyone else passes out, leaving her alone.

Beautiful: While everyone else is passed out, Velma sings her story. She was lonely and felt ugly and fat and stupid. She spent a lot of time alone and cut herself, but eventually found another girl just like her on the other side of the world. She had the same interests and liked the same things and felt the same way. She tells Velma that she's worthwhile and that there's light inside of her and, through seeing the same within her friend, she's able to start to accept that about herself. Kuhoo Verma is something else entirely on this song. It felt so personal and quiet and perfect. And, to be honest, it really anchored the show for me. After almost twenty-five years of being a nerdy, lonely kid on the internet, I tend to be very kneejerk protective of internet friendships. When people deride the internet as toxic, my urge is always to defend it because it's the source of all the good things in my life. I didn't have a lot of friends as a kid and I was socially anxious, but the internet was a way for me to meet other people who liked the same weird things I liked. These days that's a much more common, accepted story, but it was weird and new in 1996, so I spent a lot of years either lying about how I knew my friends or insisting that the internet wasn't just pedophiles and murderers. Obviously in the years since, the internet has grown into something bigger and, frequently, more toxic than I could have imagined at ten, eleven years old on the AOL Jonny Quest message boards. The urge to defend it has never gone away, however, and so I was obviously a little nervous about this show. But I trust Dave and I know that he's a big ol' nerd like the rest of us and doesn't pretend to be above our petty, silly forms of entertainment. And I'm glad I did, because it's important to me that this was the song he ended on--a quiet reminder that there's good to be found on the internet, that it's not all bad, that parts of it can be life-saving.

Hymn: The Field: The show ends with the group closing out their meeting with another hymn. Paula tells everyone next week’s meeting will be somewhere else and that she’ll email the details. Velma says she isn’t sure if she’ll come back, and she’s told that it doesn’t matter—the same people don’t always come week to week, but Saul will make sure there are eight people in attendance. The hymn is a nice, sweet song about coming together beyond the fighting and ugliness to appreciate each other and the world.

So, yeah, overall, I enjoyed it. I really needed to sit and think about it for a little bit after first seeing it, and I think repeat listenings will find a lot more to enjoy about it. Like I said, there’s not so much a story or narrative to get lost in, but the individual songs hold up well in the loose framework of the show, and a lot of them are both catchy and thought-provoking in a very Malloy way. I’m glad I got to see it, and I’m interested to see where it goes from here, if anywhere.

[sxyurii]

Hey, I've been your follower for years now and recently I've been through a breakup and I saw your post about it and I feel really sad I don't know how to move on and I just wanted to ask could u give some tips 😢❤❤❤ Love you and your blog so much!!! Sending you much love

Omg hi angel!!! 💕 im really sorry to hear that :( It sucks but we gonna get thru this baby

This will be a long post but also for anyone whos going thru a breakup rn, I'll type out everything that I wish someone told me before 😂

HOW TO WIN A BREAKUP

Ok so im gonna put shit that I know from expierence and as a psychology major so we have some gold hacks here on getting over a breakup 😏 First, I've personally had like quiete few breakups and honestly that FIRST ONE is ALWAYS the worst. If this is ur first breakup im rly sorry but its gonna suck for a while LMAO just remember that first one is the most painful but once you get over it its like antidote for life. No breakup will hurt that much as far as I know. Now lets start. U broke up youre sad, alone, crying, now what?

1. Call your friends. ALL OF THEM. I always felt my breakups before they happened and with this recent one I summoned all of my friends and they were all there with me before and after it happened. Venting helps and emotional support will be the first thing here. You are very vulnerable and sensitive right now and your emotions are all over the place probably. You're sad, angry, confused you wanna kill him all of that shit and having people there with who you can let out all those emotions is SO SO SO important i cant stress it enough. Dont bottle emotions D O N T its tempting but its toxic as fuck and it prolongs the healing. Buy junk food, have girls night, cry to your friends and talk about it until you don't feel need to anymore, cry more. Use all emotional support u can get, ur girls got u. BONUS TIP therapy helps alot. Ive been to therapy to help me sort my emotions out and its been super helpful. Remember also friends arent therapists, sometimes a professional help to guide thru emotions is the good choice too.

2. DELETE EVERYTHING you have that reminds you on them. I personally dont have hard time with it I know some people do but its also one of the most toxic things. Delete the pictures, chats, unfollow them block them even if u have to, mute, delete the songs that remind u of them. Literally erase their existence from your life. Due our brain not knowing difference between someone breaking up w us and someone dying pain we feel is intense and gets to point we feel physical pain. Memories trigger emotional responses and keep opening the wound. You need to heal. Patch it and let it heal. Dont poke it by seeing still things that remind u of them.

3. dO NOT STALK THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA. DONT DONT DONT. ITS LIKE DRINKING POISON EXPECTING THEM TO DIE??? What you could possibly find that will make u feel better??? Them posting that they miss you and want u back??? Nah sis, social media presence of people is so biased and its SO EASY to fake anything. You can misinterpret alot and you might also see stuff that will hurt u. Some of my exes (idk abt this last one tho bc I never stalked his social media since we broke up and im super proud on it) would post stuff that they know would hurt me or make me jealous or just some shady shit and you dont want to go in a place where u know someone just wants to hurt u. You are better than that. Protect your mental peace at all costs.

4. Journal. With this recent breakup I wrote like alot about it, i took my emotions and wrote paaaages. Let it all out. Draw abt it. Find ways to turn your pain in art.

5. DONT TEXT YOUR EX. CUT THEM OFF. its the best for you. You cant heal in a place you got hurt. If you wanna text them handle phone to ur best friend. I know whenever you are alone u will feel so lonely but trust me better call your friend than hit up ur ex LMAO We all still think we want our ex back even some time after breakup. We tend to idealize our exes in our heads and remember only the good times and stuff and then its just painful illusion. I know i did that alot with my exes so with this last one i decided to prevent it. Best way for that was to make a list of all the things he did that would hurt me, make me sad or mad and that i just didnt like abt him. Whenever I would feel im thinking I miss him I would read that list and see he wasnt so good and there was a reason that relationship ended. It will come to point u will see you werent happy and you will be slowly letting it go. He aint shit trust me.

6. Usually it takes 3 weeks for the worst symptoms of breakup to subdue bc our neurotransmitters need to balance again. Love is a drug and breakup is like withdrawal from cocaine addiction. Your body and mind will go through symptoms same as cocaine addict. Remember to be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. I know for me issue was I would be like "get over it" and not allow myself to be hurt abt it. Be kind, you are going though huge emotional trauma and you deserve all the time and space to be hurt and feel it. Feelings are like visitors, you just have to accept them with out resistance and let them pass. Acceptance is the key.

7. Focus on yourself. You were so used on putting effort and energy into that person. Take all of that energy and put it back in YOU. Be selfish. Treat yourself. Date yourself. Write things you love about yourself. Rediscover your passions. Focus on school. On your beauty. dYE UR HAIR DO A TATTOO DO UR NAILS DO A FACEMASK PLAY SONGS SINGING HOW EXES AINT SHIT Fall in love with yourself. This is something that you will be ready to do when you processed all the emotions in healthy way.

8. Idk did i forget something but just to add this. "This too shall pass". You will heal. You will mend. Never close your heart to love again. You deserve love and one day you will have it. Dont let your pain make you push love away. Breakups are extremely good for self growth and be grateful for it because trust me you will grow so much and you will learn so much about yourself.

I hope I helped at least a bit 💕 I keep feeling like I forgot something but know that you and anyone can always hit me up in DMs and ask for help. Im always open to help anyone and dont hold back. Im sending you so much love honey 💖💖💖💖💖

[biohackerblogger-blog]

Biohacking and Science: A solution for most of your problems

In this article I’m going to be discussing biohacking—what it is and the different aspects of human biology an individual can improve (or “hack”, if you want to call it that) to optimise their life and cognition. In the next blog I’ll discuss the specific improvements I’ve made in my life and their scientific justifications—with an in-depth focus on nutrition, supplementation and cognitive-enhancement.

Biohacking as defined by merriam-webster is “biological experimentation done to improve the qualities or capabilities of living organisms especially by individuals and groups working outside a traditional medical or scientific research environment”.

While that sounds dramatic, the term could also be described as do-it-yourself biology—making small, incremental changes to your diet, habits and life to optimise your cognition and life expectancy. This hobby likely originated in Silicon Valley, a place popular in many trendy self improvement hacks: The keto diet, intermittent fasting and microdosing to name a few.

We are living in an era of excess. Western supermarkets are packed full of processed, sugary, fatty products that people cling to as comfort food. Social media and smartphones have been tweaked to be as addictive as possible. Even television has been replaced by on-demand streaming services that provide countless hours of mindless oblivion to addicted viewers—so much so that “binge-watching” is now a recognized term in many dictionaries. This combination and more has led to the shortening of the average attention span.

Coincidentally, it feels like every other person in recent generations seems to suffer from some form of ADHD, depression or other mental health issues.

Me, technically a part of generation z, am no exception.

I’ve been an underperformer most of my school career, with every parent-teacher meeting ending the same way: “Alexandru is a very bright boy but he doesn’t seem to be reaching his potential in class.”

I daydreamed, lost focus often and was often unmotivated when tackling complex tasks. My mom has practiced psychiatry for 2 decades and during my last year of high school I saw one of her colleagues who eventually diagnosed me with ADHD.

This shook me. I had believed that I was just a lazy person, not working hard enough but now this doctor was basically telling me that it wasn’t my fault; That I had a learning disability that would always put me at a disadvantage to other “functional” people.

As I made my way through university the same issues kept coming up over and over again and I started feeling hopeless. Medication seemed to act as a bandaid on the problem, working as intended inconsistently. Is this what the rest of my life was gonna be like?—Craving achievement while lacking the motivation to acquire it?

Nahhhh, I wasn’t going to let some abstract diagnosis prevent me from prospering in life.

Enter biohacking:

In my spare time at uni I began researching ways of “curing” my ADHD. The goal: Improving my attention, motivation and cognition anyway I could. I’m a scientist, so it only made sense to solve my problems with science. Little did I know I wasn’t so much as curing a disorder as I was just finding ways to optimise my life using scientific knowledge. I tried different lifestyle changes and recorded the positive benefits of each one—Basically running my own scientific experiments on a sample size of 1. Biohacking is basically tweaking your biology to improve your life.

Diet

As I mentioned before, supermarkets today are full of horrible, delicious processed food. It’s expensive eating healthy and it’s difficult to resist the allure of a greasy portion of chips. Regardless, I think a large percentage of the population seriously underestimate how much your diet impacts your day-to-day life as a human being. A heavily debated study found that judges tended to give harsher sentences just before lunch due to hunger (This study has argued about for years). If even people who practice being impartial for a living are at the mercy of their own biology—that means so are you.

Your body is a complex machine, requiring certain amounts of macronutrients (protein, carbs, fats) and micronutrients (vitamins, minerals) to carry out all of it’s processes efficiently. If any of these numbers are skewed, the machine won’t run smoothly. You can optimise your diet in a number of ways depending on your goals, but the FDA and similar organizations provide recommendations as to how much of each nutrient an average individual requires in a day.

Many of the micronutrients have important roles in our day-to-day lives which becomes apparent when we are deficient. Magnesium plays a huge role in good-quality sleep while vitamin D is important for healthy bones and mood. The world health organisation provides guidelines for what they consider a healthy diet which contains healthy doses of all these nutrients. Obviously, we’re human, not superhuman and we can’t always have a perfect diet all the time. There’s no shame in supplementing your diet artificially, just don't use pills as a replacement for healthy eating habits. Getting blood work done can help you identify which vitamins and minerals you're deficient to inform your dietary changes or supplement purchases.

If you're looking to improve cognition, omega-3 fatty acids are a well-researched staple supplement that is found in high quantities in fish. I could write a whole article on cognitive enhancement and supplements—so I’ll save it for the next one.

If weight loss is your goal maybe consider reading up on the science of the keto diet (a fat heavy diet that pushes metabolism into burning fat) or experimenting with alternative eating habits like intermittent fasting. Hell, I hear great things about going vegan nowadays and you’d be saving the environment while you’re at it.

Play around with it, optimise it for your goals and give supplements a try.

Exercise

The NHS recommends 75-150 minutes of exercise a week for the average individual. Obesity continues to be a huge issue in this country and others so more still needs to be done to encourage public fitness. It seems that many people make the mistake of thinking of exercise as a distraction from more important things like careers and making money, especially as they get older. They say they’re simply too busy and can’t find the time but in reality they’re decreasing their potential to excel in other aspects of their lives. There’s no point in making money if you’re too fat and achy to enjoy spending it.

Exercise is important. As Socrates eloquently puts it:

“No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”

Deep.

Endorphins produced by exercise  make us feel great, we sleep better, we have more energy, we are more engaged with our work—Not a whole lot of downsides. For men in particular weight training is a very well-researched method or raising testosterone levels. A hormone my generation seems to be in significant lack of but in need of due to its important properties. Testosterone has anxiolytic properties, lubricates social interactions and is involved in providing an array of physical health benefits too.

Exercise is free, there are no downsides and a plethora of benefits. It doesn’t so much matter what type of exercise you’re doing so much as you’re doing it on a regular basis. It will suck, especially if you’re not accustomed to regular exercise but once you make it a habit (takes around 21 days to make something a habit), you’ll stop thinking about it and it’ll happen automatically.

Biohacking sure sounds a lot like self-improvement eh?

Sleep

In today’s day and age a good night’s sleep has become a rare treat. It’s like taking a gamble every night and hoping you wake up rested. As a student studying in the UK, I feel like I’m probably the most qualified person to say that. Sleep is very important for humans as pretty much all of our physical processes are regulated to some extent by our biological clock. A clock set by our circadian rhythm (Aka sleep cycle). Small perturbations to our sleep can seriously knock our daily rhythm out of line. Memories are written into your long term memory, waste products are flushed from the brain and the body readies itself for the new day. Everyone is aware their performance drops after a poor night’s sleep.

Here are some things you can do:

Humans need to go through about 4-6 sleep cycles per night to function adequately.

                          Sleep cycle = 90 minutes +/-                  5 * 90m = 7.5 hours

Try to wake up after sleeping a multiple of 90 minutes. If you wake up during the middle of a cycle you’re more likely to feel groggy. 6 hours, 7.5 or 9 hours between bed and wake are what you’re looking for.

Avoid blue light before bed. I’m sure you’ve already heard this one but blue light from screens inhibits sleep. Try a blue light filter on your laptop—Flux is the free one I use and recommend.

Avoiding caffeine, sugar and carbs before bed works wonders for your sleep. A magnesium supplement does too.

Going to bed and waking up at the same time consistently will make sleeping easy and soon your whole body will adjust itself to the routine. The human body loves routine.

Anything else worth mentioning

Yes, meditation is a big one. Specifically mindfulness. If you haven’t already been preached to on the internet about the numerous benefits of meditation, it seems to improve pretty much everything about people.—The ultimate meta-habit for improving all aspects of living. It shows promise in ameliorating depressive symptoms, anxiety, self-control and a lot more.

The mobile app headspace provides a great starting point and for those that want a challenge and want to try their hand at a monk’s life check out Vipassana meditation. Their free week-long retreats are a crash course in mindfulness with lifelong benefits. I tried one this summer and was convinced it was a cult for the first 3 days.

I’ve seen huge improvement in my life after I started applying science to fix my problems. I hope I’ve managed to give an effective overview of my experience in biohacking and given you some well-researched places to get started. If you have a biological background I think it’s a shame not to use that background to optimise your life in every way you can.

Thanks for reading,

Alex

P.S. here’s a short rant:

I think (not all, but a lot) of the recent diagnoses of ADHD and depression could be “cured” by not treating it as an isolated malady caused by some bad genes and poor luck—but as a culmination of lifestyle choices and habits that could be improved upon. Exercise and diet should be the FIRST CHOICE intervention when it comes to treating things like ADHD and depression.

I believe diet and exercise should always precede a chemical solution to these ailments. There are hundreds of supplements and activities that have proven psychological benefits that could hugely benefit humans. Thanks again.