#So two hours after a horse completed his round he collapsed and died

[isthehorsevideocute]

Is anyone taking about the fact that a US team horse was likely essentially poisoned by the USEF and they are trying to cover it up or........

[presidentrhodes]

How about some IronHusbands? Tony keeps telling the avengers how awesome his husband is but they don't believe he exists because it has been months and they still haven't met him yet and then finally, Rhodey comes home :)

See, I was going to write a cute 700-word fic for this, but your prompt was too good and this turned into a 5K monster. I’m sorry. :(

Title: The Other Mr Stark: Pilot, Scientist and Iron Man’s Mysterious Paramour

Rating: PG

Pairing: Tony Stark/James Rhodes

Summary: Clint leans over to Tony and whispers. “For the record, I know you’re lying. You’re describing the perfect man and he doesn’t exist. You might as well say you’re dating Superman because at least Christopher Reeve was a looker.“ 

This ignores the chronology and canon from Iron Man 2. It’s not yet beta-ed so, I apologise for all mistakes!

***

“Don’t be ridiculous, Stark,” Clint says from the lounge floor, where he sits cross-legged, trying to build a house of cards on the table. Natasha’s lying on the sofa next to him, her feet on Steve’s lap as he massages them. Bruce sits in an armchair opposite them, his attention fixed on the Starkpad in his hands. Thor stands by the floor-to-ceiling window behind Bruce, watching the cars driving along Park Avenue 80 floors down. “You’re making shit up." 

It’s team-bonding night: Steve came up with the idea a month after the Avengers stopped an alien invasion and moved into the spacious penthouse atop Stark Tower. New York began the long, arduous process of rebuilding; tall construction cranes wedged between damaged skyscrapers carried out repair work and men in reflective vests and bright yellow helmets became a common sight all over the city. 

Tony’s at the bar mixing drinks for the team, even though he hasn’t touched alcohol in over a decade. His cocktails, he claims, are still kickass. "Why would I lie to you, Barton? I am going to get nothing out of it." 

They have been going back and forth for an hour since Tony let it slip that contrary to what the New York Post says every week, he’s happily married. His husband’s a decorated Air Force Colonel and a rocket scientist by training and, Tony insists, he once fought a homophobe bare-chested outside MIT in the freezing Northeast winter, for insulting Tony.

"It was my birthday. Honeybear had no time for assholes,” Tony says, shaking the martini he’s making for Natasha. “The fight was brutal, and this guy was built like a horse. I thought Platypus wouldn’t last a minute but I was wrong. Dead wrong.” Tony gesticulates at appropriate moments in his recounting of the tale and embellishes it with just the right amount of spice to impress upon the demi-gods, assassins and supersoldiers in his audience that his husband is a goddamn hero. 

Tony’s husband had apparently exchanged punches with the bigot that left both men bleeding profusely from their noses. “Then Honeybear uppercuts him out of nowhere and it’s a total KO,” Tony says, moving on to make Steve’s drink—a mojito; how typical of Captain Boyscout McSexypants. “I thought I was watching Ali versus Foreman on replay. It was beautiful.”

Bruce snorts at the comparison without glancing up from the tablet. 

Clint’s face contorts and he knits his brows in frustration as the sparse details from Tony fail to add up in his mind. The stacked cards look dangerously close to toppling over. “You want us to believe in this ‘mysterious’ paramour, and all you’re giving out are a bunch of ridiculous nicknames and made-up stories with no evidence and no pictures. Sounds completely legitimate.”

“Hey, why did I never come across this husband of yours when I was your PA?” Natasha chips in, the corner of her mouth quirks up. Steve grins at the way Tony’s face turns red and his nostrils flair—from what he has learned, courtesy of Shield and Ms Potts, Tony’s pride hasn’t recovered from being thoroughly fooled by the Black Widow two summers ago.

Tony tosses a lime at Natasha. She swats it away with an expert backhand, and the lime crashes into Clint’s deck of cards. The archer snarls a string of expletives, forcing out Steve’s stern 'Captain America is disappointed in you, son’ look. Tony flashes a lopsided smile from the bar. “Well, Ms Rushman, I don’t discuss all aspects of my life with personal assistants. Even ones as attractive as you.”

“Call me Rushman one more time and—" 

Thor finally turns to join the conversation and butts in before Natasha delivers the rest of her threat. "Your husband must be a good, honourable man. I’m sure he’s worthy of his place in Valhalla."  The response draws surprised looks around the room. Even Tony double-takes at first, his eyes wide and bug-like as if he can’t believe what his ears are picking up. He recovers fast and rubs his hands together in glee. "See? The god agrees with me. It’s settled, I win.”

The conversation turns to Fury and Shield—specifically, determining if Phil Coulson is a human mimicking an AI or an artificial intelligence pretending to be a 39-year-old homo sapiens sapiens. Tony brings over the drinks and sinks to the floor next to Clint. The archer leans over and whispers. “For the record, I know you’re lying. You’re describing the perfect man and he doesn’t exist. You might as well say you’re married to Superman because at least Christopher Reeve was a looker." 

Tony rolls his eyes. "You’ll eat your words soon enough, birdbrain." 

***

‘Soon enough’ turns out to be a month later when the topic of Tony’s mystery husband makes an unannounced appearance in the middle of a mission. Taking on a small army of unidentified robots possessing a hive brain, near a country fair, leaves Steve, Natasha and Tony in charge of shepherding a group of children away from the direct line of fire. Thor and Hulk keep the main fighting focused on them while Clint takes out the spare droids, one by one, from his spot on a nearby roof. 

Natasha leads them past smouldering scraps of metal and burning tarp, towards the carousel where the children huddle together, their faces white as sheets. Behind her, Steve’s limping along. He’s bleeding into his suit after taking several hits earlier from the droids and their shoulder-mounted plasma cannons. Tony provides aerial support, keeping the stray robots away from the kids. 

"You know,” he begins on the team’s shared comms channel, watching Natasha approach the terrified children with an unnatural, almost enviable, ease, like she has spent a lifetime perfecting the art of looking after them. “Platypus is really good with kids too. His sister sometimes leaves her daughter with us when she’s travelling, and he’s a natural with her. I always thought kids are fussy about everything.” Clint groans. Tony ignores him and continues, letting JARVIS take control of the armour to round up and disable the remaining droids. 

“Jeannie always says Lila is a fussy baby at home. She has made a career out of screaming when things don’t go her way. When she stays with us, she turns into an angel because of Platypus.” No one responds. Tony’s attention shifts to how pale Steve looks in his viewfinder. He watches the Captain stagger behind Natasha and asks JARVIS to scan his teammate to take stock of his injuries; Tony knows once the mission is over, Steve will downplay his condition. He’ll brush it off as “just a couple of knocks, nothing too serious,” and bury himself in paperwork in his office to avoid medical attention. The man hates hospitals. Tony can’t blame Steve—he detests them, too. 

“My scans detect Captain Rogers has sustained three broken ribs and severe lacerations,” JARVIS drawls in his thick, mechanical voice. “Readings indicate his supersoldier abilities have already contained the bleeding, and the ribs should heal on their own by the week’s end.”

“Thanks, J.” Tony lands on the ground next to Steve. They watch Natasha usher the children towards the perimeter that Shield agents, who finally arrived at the scene, have set up. Worried parents, some of them openly sobbing, stand behind the barricades, waiting to be reunited with their children. “Captain. You’re hurt,” Tony informs Steve as a matter of fact. 

“I hadn’t noticed,” Steve says, deadpan, and lets out a pained breath. 

The faceplate lifts. Tony gives a half-smile at Steve. “Let me carry you back to the infirmary. You need medical attention and my husband is a big fan. He’ll lose his mind when I tell him I carried Captain America bridal style back to base.” Fortunately for Tony, whatever objection Steve’s about to raise dies on his lips as exhaustion wins him over. He collapses face-first on the muddy field, and Tony’s kneeling by his side in a flash, checking for a pulse. He sags inside the suit in relief when he finds one, and JARVIS helpfully diagnoses “severe fatigue” for the Captain. The AI chooses that precise moment to reveal to Tony that Steve Rogers hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in three months. 

“Avenger down,” Tony tells the team. A chorus of concerned voices floods the comms channel. “The Captain’s had a long day. I’m taking him back to medical, you guys handle cleanup and Coulson. I am busy in the evening, so, don’t call me or page me unless the world is on fire and one of you is actually dying." 

No one speaks for a few moments. Clint cuts through the static in a flat, disinterested tone. "What’s keeping you busy, Stark? Sexy date in the Bahamas with your imaginary husband?" 

"If you have to know, birdbrain, it’s our anniversary and I’m going to the base to see him.”

Clint chortles. 

“You still won’t tell us what base he’s stationed at. Let me guess, is it Area 51? Is your imaginary husband an alien, Stark? Holy shit, you’re married to Superman." 

The words vex Tony. "Do you ever shut up, Barton?” He doesn’t wait for a reply and turns off his comms. Tony carries Steve in his arms and flies back to the Tower.

***

A few weeks later, after pulling another all-nighter in the lab, Tony walks in on Steve, Natasha and Bruce gathered in the kitchen for breakfast. Clint’s on vacation. Tony counts that as a blessing. He knows despite Clint’s cynicism, at some point, the archer started tailing Tony’s every move, inside and outside the Tower, to find out more about Platypus. Working as an assassin over the years, Clint honed his ability to stay under the radar, but all of that training didn’t stand a chance against JARVIS and his all-sensing presence.

“Barton’s been following me,” Tony says, pouring himself a coffee. He curses—someone, and he knows it’s Thor, keeps leaving coffee grounds inside the pot. That barbarian. “He thought he was being clever by using the vents, but nothing gets past JARVIS.”

Bruce narrows sleep-heavy eyes at Tony: “I thought J doesn’t surveil us.” The words come out as nothing more than a low, gruff mumble. Stifling a yawn, Bruce slouches forward and rests his face on the granite countertop. His eyes droop; for all of his unparalleled work in anti-electron collision theory, Bruce Banner remains incapable of being a morning person.   

“He doesn’t when you’re in your private quarters. The vents are public areas, and standard building security protocols apply.” Tony strains his coffee. He makes a mental note to speak to Thor—the Asgardian proved himself to be a fast learner of Earthly etiquettes. He’s come a long way from smashing coffee mugs to ordering customised drinks at Starbucks without pissing off the baristas. Even Captain America sometimes gets the stink eye when he asks for soy milk instead of dairy. Tony suspects baristas around the city are too enamoured by Thor’s godly presence to ever crib about his order.  

“Why would Clint stalk you through the vents?” Steve asks. Tony finds the puzzled look on Steve’s face endearing. “50% of his DNA is bird. He’s just following his instincts,” he says. Tony bites back a laugh at Steve’s hardened expression; he appears genuinely distressed by the idea that one of his human teammates may not be 100% human. 

Tony admires the way the Captain works hard to adjust to his new life in the 21st century—waking up to an alien invasion led by a horned Norse god proved to be a hell of a way to get over the initial culture shock. And, while Steve made a quick study of smart kitchen appliances and most of the Internet, genetic modifications and other advances in technology set off regular alarm bells in his head. Noticing the way Steve’s lips curl downward, Natasha offers a quick clarification: “Tony’s being an idiot. Clint’s not actually part bird, even if he is as obtuse as one." 

"Well, birdbrain has to get more creative than vents to get the jump on JARVIS,” Tony says, squeezing between Steve and Natasha. They hear Bruce’s gentle snores—he really hates mornings—and Tony whispers. “Honeybear is the only one who has gotten past J.”

On cue, JARVIS chimes in softly: “That is correct. His method was delightfully inventive, one that has enhanced my detection abilities tenfolds.”

Without being prompted, Tony volunteers the information to his teammates in a hushed tone: “We had a bet. Each of us picked a random day to break into Stark Industries. The goal was to get into my office without alerting J." 

Steve and Natasha listen, their expressions dull, as Tony explains in unnecessary details how his husband got the jump on artificial intelligence—Natasha makes mental notes to make her own attempt later if only to test her own skills against an all-seeing machine. 

"Honeybear set off a small and easily contained fire in our backyard while I was sleeping. Because J’s primary protocol is to protect me, he had to assess its threat level. But, it was in a contained environment; the variables were known, and the calculation should’ve been easy, except his protocol says he cannot dismiss the threat until it is eliminated,” Tony says, watching Steve’s eyes widen. The Captain, ever the cynic, is probably working out a hundred different world-ending scenarios about a rogue AI. He and J aren’t so different in their personalities, Tony thinks. 

“JARVIS spent most of his processing power keeping an eye on me. His second protocol says he must at all times protect the Stark Secure Server, my private server. And, no, Natasha, I know that look. It’s not at Stark Industries, I know you’ve looked, and I won’t tell you where it is so that Shield can go snooping.” Natasha glowers at him, her cheeks flushed at being caught red-handed. “That left J with very little juice to handle everything else for all Stark Industries offices around the world. He didn’t even notice Honeybear walk onto the premises or enter my office.”

Tony pauses to let his teammates absorb and appreciate his husband’s ingenuity: Steve looks impressed, Natasha scowls at Tony. Bruce, with his eyes still closed and head down, breaks the silence. “I’ve seen J’s documentation. You wrote him to back himself up on local servers precisely to avoid this situation. You said your roommate at MIT gave you the idea. Plus, you use an insane amount of RAM, I’ve seen your set up.”

Tony claps.

“Finally. Someone who sees the obvious error in this story. And yet, somehow, Honeybear got into my office undetected. Either he’s the superspy of the millennium—sorry, Widow—or someone is lying.” Tony glances at the ceiling. “What? You like him better or something?” JARVIS doesn’t respond. Instead, music flits in from the overhead speakers: Tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies (Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies). Oh, no, no you can’t disguise. 

“Smartass.”

***

On Christmas Eve, Tony arrives at the common floor and overhears the team in deep conversation. His curiosity plants him in a corner outside the lounge, within hearing distance, but strategically hidden from the occupants inside. He picks up on Natasha speaking with an underlying worry in her tone. “That’s not the point, Clint. When I assessed him, he was dying. Very painfully, if I may add. He’s proven himself to be a team player and he’s a vital member of this team—" 

Clint cuts her off. "He’s delusional, Nat. He’s making up an entire person and coming up with these larger than life stories. It was funny the first time, but it’s clear he believes in the stuff he says. If he’s losing it, we need to know because we’re a team. We have got to have each other’s backs at all times.”

Steve chimes in: “His life is his own. We should respect his privacy, Clint. I’m sure when he’s ready, he’ll introduce us to his husband. Don’t force it on him.” Tony’s built-in cynicism would have once made fun of the unadulterated optimism behind Steve’s words. But, hearing the Captain speak in his, and Platypus’, defence like that makes Tony want to immediately buy the Brooklyn apartment he knows Steve’s eyeing and give him the keys in a gift-wrapped box with a bow. 

Captain America’s assurances fail to convince Clint or soothe his exasperation. “Your optimism is misplaced, Cap. There is no husband, no boyfriend. Nothing! Nat and I have looked everywhere and there’s not a trace of Stark ever getting hitched, let alone to another military man. I get it, don't ask, don't tell when that was still the law, right? What about now? There has to be some kind of a legal record, somewhere, if Stark's really married.”

“Maybe it’s a manifestation of his trauma,” Bruce supplies. “He’s well overdue a psych evaluation. He hasn’t talked to anyone since the invasion. We should cut him some slack.”

Clint doubles down. “We need to know if he’s hallucinating before someone tries to take over the world again. It’s one thing if he’s making it up for street cred, but if he genuinely believes in it…" 

"He’s creating another armour,” Natasha says. Tony feels vindicated by the admission—he knows she pokes around his lab whenever Stark Industries business calls him away to the other coast. Her clandestine efforts fail to outsmart J’s all-sensing presence, but confronting the Black Widow about it, and risking dismemberment, ranks low on Tony’s list of priorities. To have her admit it in front of their teammates takes a small weight off his chest. “I’ve seen the blueprint. This is a leaner, tougher armour with some serious firepower.”

“Yeah. Fury commissioned it,” Steve says. Someone—Bruce—curses out loud at the revelation. Tony bites his lips and presses a hand over his mouth to stop himself cackling. Fools, those god-damn irredeemable fools, Tony thinks. Steve continues. “He wants to recruit that Air Force Colonel he always raves about.”

“James Rhodes.” Clint jumps in. “See, now he is an impressive man. I’ve read his files and I can see why Fury’s in love with him. Hell, I’m in love with him, too.” Tony’s close to tears from holding back his laughter at the archer’s enthusiastic tone; he doesn’t want to risk giving away his location and miss the rest of the conversation about the new recruit. “So, Stark’s agreed to make a suit for the Colonel. That's…surprising, seeing how possessive he is of his tech. He tased me last month when I tried to get a good look under the hood.”

“Maybe, Fury made him an offer he can’t refuse.”

“Does Stark know?” Natasha asks. “About Fury’s plans to recruit the Colonel? I heard Nick mentored him in college.”

“Shit,” Clint shouts. Tony regrets the lack of visual cues to go with the congregation inside and makes his own: Clint jumps on the sofa without warning next to Bruce, who turns a deep shade of green. While Steve and Natasha work to calm Bruce down, Clint squats on top of the backrest, like a bird perched on its nest among sky-high branches. Tony laughs at the imagery in silence. 

“Rhodes went to MIT too, didn’t he? He studied aeronautics and astronautics—basically, rocket science. And, he’s Stark’s age. It’s not impossible they crossed paths there. Do you think Stark is holding onto some creepy university crush or did he make up his fake husband based on the Colonel?" 

"He really needs that psych eval." 

That’s when Tony decides he’s heard enough. He can barely keep himself together and in his excitement, he knocks into a solid, immovable mass. "Fuck,” Tony mutters and looks up into Thor’s dark blue eyes. Maybe the city baristas had a point, Tony thinks, and it’s futile to fight the Asgardian charm that oozes from every pore on Thor’s body. 

Tony still pinches himself from time to time and wonders how a god fell out of legends, waltzed into his life and took up residence in his penthouse. After butting heads over Thor’s murderous brother Loki, they forged a friendship based on mutual respect—another thing which puzzles Tony because Thor’s a deity and he’s just a guy. Thor protested once when Tony blurted it out. “You’re not just a 'guy’.”

Thor’s quieter and more reserved than his broad GQ-model-like physique suggests; he prefers to observe instead of participating in the team’s special brand of eccentricity. Everyone on the team agrees that Thor is immeasurably perceptive. 

“Hello, Pointbreak,” Tony says, clasping his shoulder. “What are you doing out here? You’re missing all the fun inside. They’re talking about having me committed because they don’t believe Platypus is real. They think I’m hallucinating.”

Thor’s face twists into a frown, a contrast to Tony’s playful grin. “Then they are silly,” he says. “I have seen how fondly you speak of him, Tony. You love your husband." 

"More than I can put into words, buddy.” Tony sighs as his smile falters, his arms crossing over his chest. “Platypus is the bedrock of my life. Got me through some really bad times. After everything he has seen me say or do, he’s still here, and I wonder what I did to deserve him. You know? It’s surreal. Which god answered my prayers that I got so lucky?”

Thor steps forward until he’s up in Tony’s face, mere inches separating them. That man may possess a delightful and exuberant personality. But he has no concept of personal space, which Tony files under 'Usual Asgardian Oddities’, along with Thor’s habit of speaking to inanimate objects when he thinks no one is looking. Large hands rest his bony shoulders in a hard grip, and Tony thinks Thor is about to impart some godly wisdom. Interruption, if only to point out the awkwardness of their proximity, may come across as rude. "Listen here, Tony Stark. I have lived and watched over your realm for a thousand years. I’ve seen civilisations rise and fall, kingdoms destroyed by greed, great men brought down by hubris. But, you, my friend, you are among the best of them. Midgard should be proud to call you her son. Never ever doubt your worthiness.” Thor beams. 

Tony tries to think up a response to that, but his mouth snaps shut. How does one top a speech where an actual god calls you worthy? In the end, Tony nods and stays still until Thor lets him go. “I will consider it a great honour the day you choose to let us meet the man who has stolen your heart. For one who’s deserving of your love, I also consider him worthy.���

On his way out, Tony texts his husband: You won’t believe it but I think Thor just blessed our marriage. 

The reply comes immediately: Holy shit. I feel blessed already. Merry Christmas and see you soon xx. 

***

Fury calls the team for an urgent meeting after New Year’s Day. His memo reads like every other missive he sends, curt and to the point: Meeting at 10 @ HQ. Don’t be late. 

They take Tony’s private jet to DC because the Quinjet was out of commission, undergoing repairs after their latest mission—a villain holding Manhattan’s power grids hostage—damaged the engines. Onboard, they huddle in front of the flatscreen watching CNN analyse Justin Hammer’s trial. Tony gives them a breakdown of his business rival—how Justin tried to sabotage the Stark Expo by presenting cheap knockoffs of the Iron Man armour that blew up the entire venue. The anchor reads out charges levelled against Hammer: money laundering, racketeering, fraud, public endangerment, copyright infringement. And a dozen lawsuits from Stark Industries and affected civilians.

“Ouch,” Clint says, reclining in his seat. “That’s a bit excessive, even for making cheap knockoffs of your suit and blowing them up at your expo, Stark.”

“Trust me, birdbrain, we take corporate espionage very seriously,” Tony replies. A live feed shows Hammer arriving at the courthouse in orange overalls, with dark circles under his eyes and his hair in disarray. The press swarms around him, shoving microphones and cameras in his face. Hammer tries to push his way through the crowd. “Oh, Justin. You know, if he had even an ounce of charm in his bones he could’ve gotten the charges reduced.”

“You can’t charm your way through everything, Tony,” Bruce points out. 

Tony smiles. “Not everyone can, no. My husband on the other hand—” The shift in the atmosphere is palpable. Clint tunes out of the conversation to stare out the window. Bruce shifts uncomfortably in his seat, Natasha presses her lips together in a frown, and Steve surveys the lines on his palms. Only Thor shows interest, so, Tony continues. “Few years ago, I dared him to charm a store manager at Macy’s. They had this perfume set from their exclusive collection. I wanted to see if Platypus could convince her to give him a set for free. You should’ve seen him, Thor. He knew all the right things to say, the right moments to smile, and I think if he had asked, she’d have given him the keys to the store. We gave it back later because it would’ve come out of her paycheck, otherwise. Platypus is a real charmer. You’ll love him.”

Thor’s laughs drown out Clint’s audible scoff. “I look forward to meeting him.”

“We should buckle up, we’re about to land,” Steve says, pointing to the seat belt sign. 

***

Fury waits for them in a conference room on the top floor of the Triskelion. One by one, the Avengers fill in, with Tony being the last to enter. He takes the seat closest to the door. 

“I’ll keep this short,” Fury says, without preamble. It’s one of the few things Tony admires about the director—he loathes wasting time as much as Tony. “The Avengers Initiative was started to be Earth’s first and last line of defence against extraterrestrial threats. We’ve shown the world why we need to exist and your heroic efforts have won us more goodwill from the public than we have anticipated. My bosses have instructed me to expand this team. You will meet the new recruits over the course of the year. They will train with you and Stark has agreed to house them at the Tower.”

Clint perks up. “Colonel Hottie said yes?" 

Natasha kicks him under the table. 

"What? He’s perfect. He’s smart, brave, and real. No offence, Stark.” Tony shoots him a dirty look. Clint turns to Steve. “Hey Cap, what’s your opinion on team romances? Yay or nay?" 

"Clint,” Steve gives him his best 'Son, stop disappointing Captain America’ look. “This is neither the time nor the place.” The archer slumps in his chair and says loudly, “Look, I just want to know how many protocols I’ll be breaking to ask Colonel Rhodes out on a date." 

Before Steve or Fury can answer, a new voice replies. "The answer would be none, Mr Barton. As flattering as your proposition sounds, I am unfortunately off the market.” All seven pairs of eyes turn to the doorway—James Rhodes leans against the doorframe in a grey polo shirt, a black bomber jacket and a pair of tight-fitting black jeans. Clint swallows and stammers. Natasha kicks him again. 

“Colonel Rhodes,” Fury says and motions him to come forward. “Meet the team." 

Rhodes takes stock of the room, his eyes resting a millisecond longer on Tony, and says, "Hey. Call me Jim." 

Steve’s the first to rise as he moves in to shake Rhodes’ hand. "Good to meet you, Colonel. We’ve heard a lot about you from Fury, and we’re looking forward to having you on the team.” Bruce and Natasha go next: They exchange quick, courteous 'hello’s before Clint almost trips over himself to greet Rhodes. He tries to play it cool but stutters at the last moment, and the words—"I’ve read your file, Colonel, where have you been all my life?“—come out all jumbled, lacking the charm and finesse he had practised ever since Steve let it slip that Fury was trying to recruit Rhodes. On his turn, Thor flashes the Colonel a knowing smirk, and despite never reading any of Rhodes’ files, he says, "Good to finally meet you, Jim. I’ve heard a lot about your adventures." 

Finally, Rhodes turns to Tony, who has been hanging back with his hands jammed in his front pockets and a closed-off expression on his face. "You look like the cat peed in your cereal today." 

"It’s your fucking cat,” Tony grumbles. He doesn’t move away as Rhodes treads over and steals a peck on the lips. The rest of the team stare in stunned silence; except Fury, who rolls his eye, and Thor, whose indulgent smile suggests he feels pretty damn good about himself for uncovering some hidden knowledge before everyone else. Steve notices the identical wedding bands on Tony and Rhodes’ fingers first, and it finally clicks. “You’re married to Tony?" 

"I am afraid the secret’s out, Captain. I am the mystery husband you’ve been hearing about and I assure you, I’m very real.” Rhodes slings a hand over Tony’s shoulder, and Tony melts into the touch, leaning on him for support, with a hand around Rhodes’ waist. No one speaks—no one fully overcomes the shock around the revelation, and though Steve looks like he’s working out the right words to say in his head, he stays quiet. At some point, Thor starts recording the confusion in the room as it unfolds—for a Space Viking who gives off strong Luddite vibes, he turns out to be exceptionally adept at using Earth tech. Tony isn’t surprised that Thor not only knows how to use a smartphone camera but he also developed a keen sense of when to use it—Barton looking like a flustered deer caught in headlights should be memorialised in every medium. 

“I’ve been told the secrecy around my existence has become a matter of concern among the team,” Rhodes says, fixing his gaze on Clint. The archer shrinks in his seat. He avoids looking at Tony. Or Rhodes. “I’m happy to answer questions, perhaps over dinner, and provide clarifications on whatever my husband has told you about me. He likes to exaggerate, as I’m sure you know. But if you don’t mind, I’d like some privacy with Tones right now. We haven’t seen each other in a year and this meeting was not my idea of a reunion. It’s lacking in some quality action if you know what I mean.” He leaves very little to the imagination. Steve’s scandalised; jaws clenched and his eyes dart from Tony to Rhodes and back to Tony. Thor continues recording as he holds the smartphone in front of the Captain’s face until Steve tries to swat it away, and misses. Only Bruce, Tony notices, shows remorse for doubting his accounts and questioning his sanity. 

With a final nod at the team, Rhodes walks out. “Coming?” He asks from the doorway. “I’ll catch up,” Tony says and lingers long enough for Fury to dismiss the team and leave. Clint’s sour expression—his nose crinkles as if he smelled something horrible—clashes with the way Tony’s eyes sparkle and his grin stretches ear to ear. “Hey birdbrain, how does it feel to be a clown? For what it’s worth, you never had a shot with him because I sealed the deal in '87. You were still working the circus. Yeah, that’s right, I read your files too—even the 'redacted’ ones.” Tony trots out of the room as Clint flips him off, with a big, smug grin plastered over his face. Some things are worth the wait—Rhodey has always been worth it. 

–FIN–

[thornfield13713]

For the latest meme: Krik/Spock?

General:

Rate the Ship -  Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - Long past the day Kirk dies. Spock spends the rest of a long, long life alone, because once the sun has set, no candle can replace it.

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - It took five years of exploratory mission, a long separation and Spock making a telepathic connection with the V’ger probe for them to admit it…but I think it was love within a year of them starting to work together.

How was their first kiss? - Desperate. Years of pining and pent-up feelings will do that to a person. Their first Vulcan-style kiss in sickbay was definitely borderline obscene in Vulcan terms, and the human-style one shortly thereafter no less so.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - For their first becoming bondmates, it was Spock. Their human-style wedding was decades later, and, once again, Spock proposed, on the grounds that it mattered to Kirk even if he said it didn’t.

Who is the best man/men? - Doctor McCoy, for Jim. It really couldn’t be anyone else.

Who is the bridesmaid? - Uhura accepted being Best Woman for Spock.

Who did the most planning? - Spock. Planning is what he’s good at, and working out how to combine Vulcan with two sets of human traditions, from his mother and from Jim’s family, was an interesting puzzle to work through.

Who stressed the most? - Jim, about becoming bondmates, since that was so soon after he and Spock reunited after Spock’s failure to complete Kolinahr. He didn’t worry nearly as much about the human-style ceremony, because that wasn’t nearly so big a deal.

How fancy was the ceremony? -  Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Literally anyone from the Admiralty.

Sex:

Who is on top? - It depends on the situation and mood. They trade off, most of the time, but it’s never a one-to-one thing.

Who is the one to instigate things? - Usually Jim. Spock’s a bit buttoned-up at first, but relaxes and gets more willing to instigate as they go on. During Pon Farr, that just goes out of the window and Spock is just all over Jim like a rash, though.

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now (during Pon Farr)

How kinky are they? -  Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - Outside Pon Farr, it’s generally not a drawn-out affair. During Pon-Farr, they can go for hours. And sometimes days.

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Due to differing physiology, this really isn’t always an option. Managing this during Pon Farr, for instance, would be all but impossible.

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it (again, Pon Farr).

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory (and, once again, Pon Farr - once you get past the first round of frothing at the mouth and killing jealousy, anyway).

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - None, as the uterine replicator has not been invented in Trekverse.

How many children will they adopt? - None. I just don’t see these two as wanting children, I’m afraid, and they’re both a little older when they get together.

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - In the event of their having children, probably Jim.

Who is the stricter parent? - Spock. Jim’s the laid-back one most of the time, though he gets very strict about safety regulations.

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Spock. Jim shows them how to do the dangerous stunts better, and without getting themselves killed.

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Probably Jim. He’s got a Thing about his kids being properly fed.

Who is the more loved parent? - Again, kind of a toss-up. Spock is probably slightly harder to connect to for a human child, but a Vulcan one might find him reassuring and Jim’s more mercurial temperament a little worrying.

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? - Both of them. They are terrors. The rest of the PTA lives in fear of their ever coming back.

Who cried the most at graduation? - Jim. Spock isn’t literally emotionless, but he’ll pretend he is in public until someone is literally dead on the ground. Or appears to be.

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Jim. Spock is slightly less inclined towards rule-bending of that kind…right up until they’re in very serious trouble, in which case he’ll do it too.

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - Jim. I don’t think Spock knows how to cook, for a lot of reasons mostly to do with the fact that the Vulcan class system is definitely still alive and kicking.

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Each of them will tell you it’s the other. They’re both right, as they both have a laundry list of foods from the other’s world that they will not eat on pain of death.

Who does the grocery shopping? - Jim. He’s picky about his ingredients. Spock occasionally comes with him, if he’s craving something specific.

How often do they bake desserts? - Hardly ever. Jim’s a decent enough cook, in my head, but I don’t think he ever got into baking.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - Spock’s a vegetarian, and Jim…strikes me as someone who probably likes both well enough, but slightly more of a carnivore. They try to compromise and don’t often do brilliantly.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Probably Jim, once again. Food has a lot of significance for Jim in a way it doesn’t for Spock, as a means of expressing affection.

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Spock. Especially when Jim has attempted a Vulcan recipe. Jim’s plomeek soup was a particularly disastrous experiment.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidentally while cooking? - Jim. He’s the better cook of the two, but also the more likely to get distracted bickering with Spock until whatever he’s making catches alight.

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - Spock. It is a logical division of labour, since Jim handles the cooking.

Who is really against chores? - Neither of them. They both have their own ones they particularly dislike - Jim, for instance, really hates dishwashing - and trade off on those.

Who cleans up after the pets? - Spock. It’s his sehlat, after all. (Yes, Kirk and Spock have a sehlat in retirement. I don’t make the rules.)

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Jim. Spock’s the neat-freak, and tends to view this sort of thing as just illogical and inefficient and meaning they have to clean twice.

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Jim. They don’t have guests, and it’s usually just their old friends from the Enterprise, or occasionally family, but Jim always reacts like it’s a ship inspection.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Neither of them. The Federation doesn’t appear to do currency in any such tangible form.

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Jim. He likes the luxury of a water shower when he’s on shore. Spock has never quite liked water showers - he never feels quite clean after them.

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - Spock walks the sehlat and dares the neighbours to say anything about his giant fanged teddy-bear on a leash.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - I don’t see either of them going that overboard, but they’ll probably give it a go for Hannukah.

What are their goals for the relationship? - To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Jim. Spock needs less sleep than he does, physiologically speaking.

Who plays the most pranks? - Jim does it more often, but Spock’s are generally better for being less expected.

[adamandfriends]

The Millennium Hero

Chapter Two: The Sword

Date: January 1st, 4007 - 4008

Location: Home. Somewhere in North America

Adam woke up early the morning of his seventh birthday. He left his room and walked down the halls, nobody was awake yet, he felt like something was calling to him… So he left the castle. He went to get a sword, it was a little big for him but he needed to follow this call. Waking up Midnight, Adam’s horse, Adam mounted and rode out into the forest. Midnight was a black horse with white speckles on her, reminding him of the night sky, which still sparkled above them. She was the only horse in the kingdom trained to only respond to auditory cues. Many were trained like any other horse, though Adam felt as though hitting his horse to get it to go was wrong. So instead of kicking his horse, he found a way to train her to follow commands given through different pitches of whistles. Their bond was incredible as it seemed as though the two always knew what the other needed.

“Sorry for waking you up Midnight, I really need to go on this ride right now.” Adam spoke to his horse as though she were a human like himself. The black horse neighed and continued in the direction Adam had commanded. “Do you hear some-” Before he could finish his sentence there was a crash behind them. Adam turned to see the creature from the day before, much angrier than it had been before. Adam let out a sharp high pitched whistle and Midnight reacted by turning sharply and galloping away. Adam looked around through the trees, before looking behind him. The creature was gaining, slowly but surely it was gaining on them, he’d need to lose it through mobility, or fight it… He looked desperately for some route they could take to lose this thing, until they passed a strange cave. He couldn’t look away from it as he felt like there was a voice calling to him from inside. He gave Midnight a new command before he jumped up and grabbed onto a tree branch. He lifted himself up and the beast passed right under him, immediately after he jumped down from  the tree and began sprinting toward the cave entrance, the creature hot on his tail. Barely, Adam managed to round the corner into the cave just before the creature would’ve grabbed him. Adam took a few steps into the cavern and completely forgot what was just happening as he stared into the strange darkness. He jumped when he heard the creature suddenly crash up against the entrance of the cave, it was too small for the creature to enter. The strange thing seemed to be a mutated combination between a dog and a pig, something making it much larger than it ought to have been.

Adam stepped further into the cavern, soon finding himself engulfed in darkness, the beast behind grumbling and leaving the entrance of the cave. So Adam dove into the depths of this cave. He walked quite a long ways, unable to see anything, only following his instinct. This cave had a strange magic placed on it, as you ventured into it time would slow. For adam it seemed he was in there for hour when in reality he was only there for a couple minutes. The other magic placed on this cave was a magic was much much worse. If the cave deemed you unworthy, you were doomed to be trapped in it forever. To decide if one was worthy it would send a trial to the people inside… As Adam walked, he heard something creeping up behind him, as he turned around he drew his sword, blocking some large object. Next thing he knew he was struck in the back. He couldn’t see, how could he fight back?! He had to think, what would his father tell him. He howled in pain as he was struck again. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, taking in every sound around him. Almost on cue the attacker went to strike again, however this time Adam dodged. He continued this, dodging and refusing to strike, he knew nothing of this attacker and felt wrong attacking it, but he needed to do something. The attacker certainly wasn’t human, it released a blood curdling screech and slammed against the wall of the cave in frustration. A tiny ribbon of light entered the cave, the cave was receiving sunlight? Adam avoided another attack and started to swing his sword at the ceiling of the cave by the light source. Dirt fell around him and he kept swinging, only stopping to dodge attacks from his foe.

Adam stopped his swinging when he there was enough light to cover the width of his sword. He used the metal of the blade to reflect the light at his attacker. It was a large white crab like creature. The foe let out another screech as it saw the light, slamming against the walls and ceiling of the wall with deadly force. Dirt fell around them until the ceiling caved in and collapsed on them. Adam was knocked to the ground and made dizzy. He looked at the cave in and tried to get up. He soon found himself crying out in pain as he collapsed again, his leg had gotten crushed by the falling rock. Just out of his reach was his sword, so he stretched, reaching as far as he could. He struggled with this for a minute before touching the pommel of the sword. Adam took a deep breath and threw himself at the weapon, stretching himself out as much as possible and grabbing the handle. He jammed the blade under the rocks beside his leg and used the leverage to pry it up off of his leg. He quickly got out of the way as more rock came crumbling down and covering his sword entirely. “I sure hope I won’t be encountering any more of those creatures… Gotta find a way to get out of here.” He limped deeper into the cave.

Eventually Adam found himself at a crossroad, two branching paths within the cave. He followed the call he felt, continuing down the path on the left despite it sloping downward. As he continued deeper and deeper the temperature fell consistently, eventually the moisture in the air was beginning to solidify into a snow-like substance. Even further into the cave the walls and floor became coated in ice, but in the distance there was a faint light. Continuing deeper and refusing to be deterred by his pained leg. Soon he’d find that the light wasn’t natural, it was a strange glow coming from something within the cave.

Adam felt like he’d walked for several hours, he’d been walking for about thirty minutes at this point in reality. Finally he’d reached the source of the light however, he found a sword. Stuck in the ground the blade had a large crystal on the hilt, this was the source of the light. Looking closer it seemed as the light came from inside the crystal… The strange call Adam had been hearing had since stopped, Adam was in complete silence. Behind the weapon was a wall, there was no path out of the cave from there. He was about to walk away when he heard the call one last time. He turned back to the weapon and looked at it curiously, was it the sword? As Adam reached for the handle the air around him became warmer and warmer. Finally he touched the handle and a bright white light shone from the crystal forcing him to close his eyes, it was warm, like sunlight. When he opened his eyes again, he was outside, the sword in hand still. “What the… What just happened?” Adam was absolutely baffled, he turned to see the entrance of the cave exactly as he’d left it.

Unfortunately for Adam this meant the beast that had been chasing him and his horse was there as well. The beast sprang at Adam with intent to kill. The boy blocked the creature with the new sword he’d found and a strange pulse shot out of it, launching the creature far from him. Adam looked at the sky and saw the beginning to rise, he needed to get home or his parents would be scared beyond belief. He whistled loudly and his horse came running. He mounted and the two quickly made their way home. Once back in the kingdom Adam put his horse in the stables and quickly ran inside, holding his new sword all the way. When he got to his room he quietly opened the door to peek inside, his mother was crying on his bed. “Momma…?”

As soon as she heard Adam’s voice she turned around. When she saw him she gasped, running over to hug him tight. “You’re okay, oh thank the gods you’re ok. You had me scared to death don’t you ever do that to me again!” She held her little boy tight as if afraid he was a figment of her imagination. “Where have you been? Where did you get that sword? What happened to your leg?” She was very concerned and had a lot of questions. Adam hugged his mother back and began to cry himself as he apologized profusely and explained the entire thing.

Adam would have to explain the entire thing all over again to his father, he was slightly less understanding… “You went deep into a cave, way out in the middle the forest in the middle of the night by yourself?! Do you know what could’ve happened to you out there?! You could’ve died! You could’ve been stuck in that cave and starved to death Adam! There are so many ways you could’ve died out there do you understand that?!” Adam nodded in understanding as his father continued yelling at him.

The yelling didn’t stop until his mother stepped in. “John, calm down, it’s his birthday for crying out loud. He made a mistake, he could’ve died, but he didn’t.” She took Adam’s hand and led him into town. “Alright my little adventurer, what do you want for your birthday?” The rest of the day was spent with his mother and sister, and eventually, the boy from the previous day, they would become good friends

About a week later Adam’s father, John, took him out into the wilderness, just the two of them. As they set up camp John would apologize to Adam for getting so upset. “I hope you understand that I didn’t mean to be so harsh. On the day of your birthday I mean. I was just worried, I want to make sure that you know that.” Adam nodded as he listened, he had already forgiven his father for the situation on his birthday. “I think it’s time for your mother and I to teach you.” Adam looked at his father curiously, asking him what he meant by that. “It’s time for you to learn how to use your magic.”

Adam’s father gathered wood and placed it into a fire pit. “You’ve likely gotten my fire magic, however it’s possible you got your mother’s ice magic instead. So today we’re going to find out which you have, or if you have your own unique magic.” He grabbed Adam’s shoulders and explained how to use fire magic. Adam did everything his father described and nothing was happening. John tried to explain it further but it still wasn’t working. “Perhaps you have your mother’s ice magic, Tomorrow we’ll have her explain to you how it works.” Adam gave a pout until his father ruffled his hair. “Ice magic is not bad. In some cases it can be even better than fire magic.” John started the fire and they got dinner on.

Once night fell, the two laid in the grass by the fire and stared at the stars. John looked at his son and smiled. “The moment you were born… That was the proudest moment of my life. And if you pay attention, I’m sure you could be a great king someday. Soon I will tell you my plans for the kingdom. If I can’t achieve those plans I would like you finish it for me, but as the king it will be your decision what you do and or don’t do.” The two continued talking late into the night until Adam fell asleep on the ground and his father picked him up and put him into the tent. The next morning Adam woke up and helped his father take down camp. They mounted their horses and rode back into the kingdom. Once home, John took Adam to see his mother. “Jane, We’re home, it seems Adam didn’t inherit my fire magic. So most likely he inherited our ice magic.” Adam’s mother smiled very brightly as she heard this, saying that she would be happy to teach Adam how to use their magic.

Jane took Adam to a safe location with water in case he needed it to assist in him learning. She took a different approach to the teaching process, telling him how to freeze the water. However as with the fire, nothing was working, Adam couldn’t use any ice magic. This concerned her, they’d have to try something else, he must have gotten his own magic. Later the same day she and John would take Adam to see somebody who had studied magic. She was a kind old woman who had traveled the world and studied many forms of magic, more than Adam’s parents had ever seen. She tried to teach Adam how to use magic, magic of any variety. Eventually she gave up on this and instead tried to teach Adam how to feel the flow of his magic. Even this was something Adam couldn’t accomplish. After several hours the woman gave up, later that night Adam would overhear his parents arguing over him and the situation with his magic.

A few months passed and Adam had trained particularly hard with his bow. Soon he’d be surpassing his instructor, and eventually taking the title of the best marksman in the entire kingdom. It was a small kingdom and this didn’t mean too much as there weren’t many people in the kingdom who were especially good with the bow. This didn’t keep people from being amazed however as the young prince was only seven years old at this time. The day he would officially become the best bowman would be the day of a festival. Tournaments of all varieties going on to determine the best marksman, the best swordsman, strongest, fastest, smartest, etc. Adam decided to try his hand in the bow tourny. Adam was managing to keep from getting eliminated, but only barely. Until it came down to the final two, Adam and a woman who had been getting better shots than him all day. The king was already proud to see his son had made it this far and didn’t expect him to win.

The man who would’ve taken Adam’s place was still standing on the sidelines, he had only lost to Adam because he’d choked under the pressure of the final three. This placed Adam against the woman who had consistently held first place the entire tournament. The woman shot her arrow, landing it closer to a bullseye than anybody had ever seen. Adam stood confident, not expecting to beat her but confident in his skills for making it this far. As he released the arrow time seemed to slow for Adam, this was the first time this would happen but it would not by any circumstances be the last. The arrow glided through the air as if it were being carried to its target, landing the first, and only bullseye the kingdom would ever see. When he hit the bullseye just about everybody’s jaws dropped, the king stood up from his seat and stared at the target in disbelief.

The woman who had almost won went over to the target enraged by the child beating her in the last second. She looked all over and didn’t see anything to suggest that the boy had cheated. She marched over to Adam, anger raging in her eyes, she was certain that he must’ve cheated in some way. When she reached him however the king grabbed her with literal fire in his palm. “I suggest you change that look in your eye before I change it for you.”

The woman saw who he was and bowed down. “My apologies your majesty, I didn’t know.” She hadn’t figured it out during the contest, but she finally connected the dots that this was the prince. This realization changed her attitude completely. “I am humbled to have come in second to you, young prince.” Adam didn’t know how to react to this, her speaking to him was really the first thing to break him out of the trance he was in. He had been staring at the arrow he’d just shot the entire time.

His victory would lead to a celebration, larger than any of the other contests because the king would pitch in more for this one than the others since his son turned out to be the victor. There was a large amount of food, and a great many people there to celebrate. Eventually the king would move the celebration into the castle. By the end of the night Adam had eaten more food than he’d ever eaten before, and being so full he went to bed before the celebration was over. When he awoke the next morning he’d find a new bow propped up against his wall. When he went to examine it he’d see an engraving carved into it reading “Expert marksman: Adam Flare”

After another month Adam would find his father agreeing to something he never expected. “My son, you will be a knight. I never expected to have a child joining my knights, but you have quickly proven to be a natural in combat. With the bow we found you have the eye, with the sword we found that you have a sixth sense, on horseback we found that you have gained more than a mount, but a companion who will go anywhere with you. You have shown yourself to be the best archer in the kingdom and I believe with enough training, you may be the best swordsman as well. And as you and midnight grow together, so too will your bond, and thus your skill on horseback. And if you continue showing this much promise, you could be an even better king than I am.”

Adam was receiving so much praise from his father, he hardly knew what to do. He teared up before hugging his father tightly. “Father… I will do whatever I can to be the best king I can be.” His father hugged him back with a smile, telling Adam that he knew.

As such a young knight, Adam would only be tasked with searching the forest for any potential threats. He was not expected to attack only search and report back to his father or a commander. Adam wanted to start with this as soon as possible, so he and midnight went out into the wilderness. As Adam was about to turn back however, midnight stopped and laid down. Adam climbed off of her and sat beside her. “What’s the matter girl? Are you tired?” Whatever it was it seemed much worse than tired, she wouldn’t budge. Soon it began to rain as well. “Come on… Let’s at least get under some cover…” Midnight got up and only moved a few steps to place herself under a tree. All night Adam tried to comfort her, occasionally trying to get her to go home, still she wouldn’t budge. He checked her for injuries, but she seemed fine, she must’ve gotten sick. “Alright, we’ll stay here tonight.” He laid down beside her and rested his head on her, hoping she’d be feeling well enough to go home the next morning.

When Adam woke up the next morning he looked at midnight, she was still fast asleep and he didn’t want to wake her up. When he looked around he saw a butterfly, and decided to get up and follow it. “Don’t worry midnight, I’ll be back.” He followed the butterfly and found himself in a large clearing with so many colors. He looked at the colors in awe and took a few steps out into it to find hundreds of butterflies all take off and flutter into the sky. Everything around him became engulfed in a rainbow of colors, the whole sky seemed to become a rainbow. When he looked back out over the field, he found that the the ground was still a rainbow of color as it was covered by a sea of flowers.

Out in the middle of the clearing was a young girl. Adam moved over to say hello, trying his best not to harm the flowers. The girl was sitting in a circle of grass where the flowers had been cleared out. He introduced himself and the girl turned to look at him. He’d never seen her before but she seemed nice, she smiled and scooted over so he’d have space to sit. “I come here every day… What brings you here?” She didn’t really introduce herself but that was ok. Adam explained that he had been out with his horse when she seemed to get sick and refused to go anywhere anymore. “Oh that’s so terrible… The poor horsey! Here, give her some of this, it might help.” She held out a couple flowers for Adam. He questioned how it would help his horse and the girl explained that the flowers had special oils in them which were good for combatting illness. Whether it would work for a horse or not she wasn’t sure but she wanted to be nice.

So Adam brought the flowers back to midnight and she ate them right up. After another hour or two of waiting, she got up and brought Adam back home. His parents were quite worried about his absence the night before but when he explained why he hadn’t returned, they completely understood.

Adam would return to the field of flowers and butterflies the next day and thank the girl for telling him about the flowers. He stayed and talked to her more, getting to know her a little better. Her name was Lily, being named after a flower she’d always been especially fond of them. Adam would return again the next day, their conversations would always pick up right where they’d left off the day before. On the fourth day she told Adam something terrible, she wouldn’t live much longer. She had some deadly health problem, of course she told him that it wasn’t contagious. This only made Adam want to come see her more. He made to come see her every day, even if it could only be for a minute. She came to really value his kindness, she thanked him for coming every day and gave him a flower crown she’d made. “Now you’re prince of your kingdom and of the flowers.” Adam laughed at this and hugged her.

The next day he’d return to find she wasn’t there. He’d come back every day for at least a week and she was never there… Adam was devastated, he returned home feeling like something was missing that day. The world seemed worse off without her warm and gentle smile.

The next few months were hard, the rain was hitting hard, flooding crops and destroying homes. Lightning scared animals in the village and started fires. Sometimes these fires would be controlled by the rain, but other times they would grow too out of control for even the rain to handle. The kingdom tried everything to make the rain stop or at the very least lessen the damage it would cause, but nothing worked. From the main village you could see a tower that seemed to touch the sky. Old stories claimed that gods lived up in the tower but nobody alive in the kingdom anymore had ever been inside the tower. Adam took it upon himself to visit this tower, while he felt it was a longshot, his kingdom was desperate, he had to at least try. Because he wasn’t sure what to expect, Adam armed himself with the sword he’d found in the cave, and the bow he’d won in the tournament. He and midnight rode into the forest, continuing until they reached the tower, Adam wouldn’t return home until he’d climbed to the top of the tower.

When he reached the tower he left his horse outside as he entered and climbed up the stairs. Once the stairs wound up to the other side of the tower, there he’d find another floor on the tower. This trend continued, every time he wound around to the other side there was another floor with rooms. The tower was strange, made of a material he’d never seen before, designs he’d never seen before, rooms with unusual decoration. Perhaps the strangest thing of all however, was the fact that the tower was completely empty. There was no trace of any living things having ever lived there minus the decorations put on every floor. Eventually Adam would reach the top of the tower, the doors to the top floor seemed huge. He looked out the window in the wall, poking his head out and looking down: he was very far up.

Adam turned back around and reached out to open the door. The moment he touched the handle, something came crashing through the door and knocked Adam out the window. He was falling, and landing would mean certain death. He reached into his quiver and found his arrows had fallen out! He had a rope that he’d usually tie to an arrow, but since he had none, he needed to think of something else. The sword! He pulled out his sword and tied the rope to it, he then tied the other half to himself. He brought the handle of the sword up to his bow and pulled it back. If this worked he’d be surprised, but it was the only option he could think of. He released the draw string and the sword spun through the air. It went through a window and somehow, caught onto the beast, causing Adam to suddenly be yanked up. He was dragged up into the tower, and then down the stairs. He untied the rope and tumbled down a few more stairs before stopping. As he groaned on his back, the creature roared and turned around to begin running back up the stairs, it was extra angry now… Fearing for his life Adam began sprinting up the stairs, the creature quickly gaining behind him. In the last second, when he knew he couldn’t escape the beast by running, Adam jumped up, pushing off of the wall for extra height and doing a backflip over the creature.

As the creature came to a stop and turned around, the young boy ran around it, narrowly avoiding being crushed against the wall. As he passed the rhino-like beast, he grabbed his sword, continuing up the stairs. He thought of a plan on how to defeat this blood thirsty creature. He repeated what he’d done before, waiting until the creature was about the catch him before jumping over it again. This time the beast was expecting it though and jerked its head up, cutting Adam’s back with its horn. The boy howled in pain as he crashed to the ground. With an exhausted groan of pain Adam got to his feet. The beast had stopped and was simply staring at him now, examining its prey. Adam glared at it before running toward it. The creature roared and ran forward as well. Just as they were about to clash, Adam dropped to the ground, letting it pass over him. With a heavy push with both legs, Adam caused the beast to flip in the air and land on its back. Adam sprang back up and sprinted up the stairs. He ran into the top floor and closed the doors behind him, sliding his sword into the handles to keep it from opening again. Only a moment later did Adam feel a thud against the wall. As the sword kept it from getting inside Adam gave a sigh of relief.

When Adam turned around he found himself in a large open room with one window. When he went to the window he noticed that it overlooked his kingdom. “Why have you come here?” Adam jumped as he heard the voice, he spun around to see a person behind him.

“A-Are you a… A-”

The person cut him off and finished his question. “A god? Maybe I am, that doesn’t answer my question however.” Adam quickly apologized and explained why he was there. “So let me get this straight: You’ve heard stories of gods who lived in this tower so you came barging in here, my home, in search of help for your kingdom, and when you got here you locked my pet out of my room and you expect me to help you?” Adam looked down and apologized again he was going to open the door when his sword was removed from the handles by itself. When he turned around he saw the person using some kind of supernatural force to move the weapon from the door, to Adam without touching it. The creature entered and growled at Adam until it saw its master wave it over. The Beast came over and the person gently rubbed its head. “Go home boy.”

Adam did as he was told and went back down the stairs with his head hung in shame as he had failed to help the kingdom. As the adrenaline from the chase wore off Adam found himself in more and more pain. By the time he got to the bottom he could barely climb onto Midnight. As he rode home however, the rain finally stopped. He rode home and his parents took him to the infirmary to have his wounds taken care of. Nobody was really sure if it was Adam who made the rain stop, or if it was just coincidence. Either way the rain had stopped

With winter came snow, and with snow came danger. People would get sick, the monsters in the forest were great at hiding, crops would die, animals would freeze. This winter was especially bad though… Adam was among the few who didn’t get sick, It seemed like all sources of food were dying, and the creatures in the forest were especially sneaky too. As Adam was out searching one day he found a small group of people out in the cold. They seemed hungry and didn’t seem to have any food or weapons. “Hey! What are you doing? It’s dangerous to be out here right now.” They explained that their home had been destroyed and they had nowhere to go. They were starving and freezing and had barely survived an attack from a beast once before. Adam sighed and debated what to do. “I can’t offer you much because my people are sick and low on food… But I’m sure we can spare a little bit…” He led the people to the farm fields his kingdom used. He gathered a little food, enough to last them at least to the end of the day and gave them the weapon he’d been given for patrol. “Be careful out there… There can be a lot of terrible things out there this time of year.”

Adam would soon find out that these people were some of those terrible things… Somebody came running into the castle and told the king that there was an emergency. Not only was all of their livestock dying from the cold, but ALL of the crops had disappeared… The king brought Adam and a few others to the fields where they confirmed his suspicions: people had stolen all of their food… “This is the first time I’ve ever seen this… Nobody has ever found our crops… And of all times, it had to be right now! Who could’ve done this?” Adam found something on the ground and recognized it as something from the group he’d helped a few days before.

When they got home Adam explained everything. “YOU DID WHAT!?” Adam’s father was livid. “Not only did you decide to take strangers to our only reliable source of food, but you didn’t tell me about it?! What in the heavens made you think that was a good idea?!” Adam tried to defend himself but his father wasn’t listening to a word he said. “I should never have knighted you! Clearly you’re too young and naive to be a knight! Get out of my sight!”

Adam had never seen his father so angry. He cried as he ran off in search of his mother, if anybody would comfort him it would be her… But when he got to her and explained everything, she only made it worse… “Adam! I would’ve expected more from you! Not only did you fail your entire kingdom, but you’ve disappointed me. If the people find out about this, you’re father could be dethroned! You realize that you may have just doomed the entire kingdom to starve?!” Adam felt as though his heart were being stepped on as he listened to her yelling, it continued for a few more minutes before Adam screamed and apology and ran off in tears. He jumped on his horse and rode away as fast as Midnight could go.

He went to the clearing where he used to visit Lily, her not being there hurt more than ever. He needed a friend, somebody to hold him as he cried, but right then… He had nobody other than midnight. “I did something stupid Midnight. Everybody hates me now… Even mom and dad.” He managed to calm down and thought for a moment. “Tomorrow is my birthday…” This thought brought him back to tears, hopefully tomorrow would be a little better. Eventually he would cry himself to sleep.

Adam woke up early the next morning, he woke up Midnight and they started on the way home. Along the way Midnight got spooked by something and ran off into the forest, and Adam’s calls and whistles wouldn’t bring her back, leaving Adam to walk the rest of the way. Now he really had nothing, not even Midnight… He fell to his knees in tears. Then everything went black.

Adam was fading in and out of consciousness. He was being dragged and He heard somebody say “Lock him in the tower, I want him to watch what he allowed us to accomplish.” The next thing he knew he could feel his arms being shackled. More black, silence. Finally he woke up, everything was blurry and his head hurt. He looked around to find he was in the top floor of the tower again. Further examination showed that the rhino creature was dead and bleeding on the floor. He looked out the window to see his kingdom, there was a commotion. Adam groaned as he continued looking around to find that he was shackled to the walls of the window. He looked back out over his kingdom again, trying to figure out what the commotion was.

Finally he could see what was happening, they were under attack. His people were nearly defenseless because everyone was either starving, sick, or both. He recognized what the attackers were wearing, it was the people he’d helped out in the forest, except there were a lot more of them. Not only did they outnumber his people, but they all seemed so much more healthy. “Oh gods, I did this. If I had just left them alone out in the forest like I was supposed to, this would be so much different.” He was crying again.

When he finally stopped he looked out again, there was blood and dead bodies everywhere, and very few of them were the enemy… Then he saw somebody. His father was fighting with the rest of his people. His father was strong, powerful, there was no way they could kill him right? Then he saw something else, his mother. She was holding Bonny and running for the forest, they needed to get away. Adam watched in horror as one of the attackers was catching up to her on horseback. “No… No, no, no.” The attacker stabbed her in the back with an axe. As she collapsed to the ground, the man circled back around and got off his horse. Just before he could swing, John ran over and blocked the attack. He killed the man only to get shot in the back by one, two, three arrows. “NOO!” Adam was on his feet, fighting his restraints as much as he possibly could, his wrists and ankles were bleeding. He was breathing heavy as he watched what was happening. “No… Mom… Run! RUN MOM! NO!” He screamed as a man went over and chopped her head off. They didn’t stop with her however. “NO! SHE’S JUST A CHILD!” The man grabbed his comrades axe and hit Bonny in the stomach with it, inducing a blood curdling scream from Adam as he watched her innards spill out. The man left John alive to cry over his dead family as he bled. John would die holding his baby girl’s lifeless body in his arms. Adam could watch no more as he hung limp in his bindings, tears pouring from his eyes as everything he ever loved was brutally slaughtered.

[hellacluttered]

Resolve (Vasquez)

A/N: All right, so as @cambetaut pointed out, Vasquez's face when Anthony says his mom died giving birth to him seems hella significant. Also, Vasquez makes a big deal out of the responsibility of being a father, which makes me wonder stuff. I’m just gonna use Manuel as Vas’s first name because a. I probably need a first name because his family wouldn’t call him by his last one and b. I’m lazy. I’m making Vas about 16 in this. Thanks @cambetaut for inspiring me to write this :3

    “Manuel! The fire’s going out again!”

    “Be there in a moment!” Manuel raised the axe again and swung it, another droplet of sweat tracing down his spine. The wood split, and he hastily gathered up the two new pieces as well as those he’d already cut. The air was heavy and moist, dampness clinging to the wood as closely as its bark, and the fire was hesitant to burn; Manuel was on his third round of cutting kindling. He walked quickly into the small house, ducking under the doorframe, and hurried across the room to the small fireplace, next to which lay his youngest sister, still shivering despite being tucked under every blanket in the house.

    “How’re you doing, Ana?” he asked, setting several new pieces of kindling onto the dying fire and prodding at them with another piece of wood until they got into the position he wanted them in.

    “I’m cold,” she said, her voice weak. “And my stomach hurts.”

    “I’m sorry,” Manuel said softly, stroking back the hair from her clammy forehead.

    “I wish Momma was here,” she said, her words hardly audible over the crackling of the fire. Manuel forced a sad smile onto his lips as his little sister looked up at him, her face worryingly gaunt.

    “I wish she was too, but she’d be proud of you, you know?” He said. “Little soldier.”

    Ana smiled at the sound of her nickname, and shifted up slightly to lay her head in her brother’s lap. Her shivers began to slow, and Manuel didn’t know whether it was because she was warming up or because she was growing even colder, but when he took her hand in his, her small fingers were no longer freezing cold, and he watched with some relief as her eyes drifted closed in sleep. “How does she seem?” Maria asked.

    “I’m not sure,” Manuel said, his thumb absently moving across the back of Ana’s hand.

    “She’s too thin,” Maria said.

    “I know.” Manuel glanced at his sister where she lay on her cot across the room. “Come over here; aren’t you cold?”

    She considered, and then stood, hauling the straw mattress across the room to join the other two in front of the fireplace. “Did Papa say when he’s coming back?”

    Manuel shook his head, trying to keep down the anger that welled up at the mention of the name. “But I wouldn’t expect him anytime soon.” The words came out more venomous than he had intended and he silently cursed himself when he saw Maria’s face fall, her hopeful eyes dropping from his to stare into the fire instead. There were too many worries on her young face. “I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

    She shrugged. “You were just being honest.”

    Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy, he thought to himself as Maria glanced toward the door, probably unthinkingly. Their father disappeared for days at a time, usually coming home, the smell of alcohol thick on his breath, after losing what little money he’d taken with him to gambling and drinking. He’d stay home long enough to sober up and make a little money off the cobbling business he still halfway-ran (although Manuel had to turn away most of the customers now because they often came when his father wasn’t home), and then disappear again. It had been six years since their mother had died giving birth to Ana, and since then, Manuel had acted for the most part as both parents to his sisters.

    “Aren’t you going to sleep?” Maria asked as she lay down, clearly starting to grow drowsy.

    “I will later. I’m not tired,” Manuel lied. “You should though.”

    “Okay,” Maria said, though she looked a little guilty as she rolled over, her back to Manuel.

    “Good night,” he said softly.

    “‘Night.”

    Ana took a turn for the worse sometime between the pit of midnight and the light of dawn. Her shivers started again, more violent and jarring than ever, and her normally tan face was pale, sweat beading on her forehead. When Manuel gently shook her awake to ask her how she felt, she jerked upright and vomited on the hearth before collapsing weakly into her nest of blankets again. It had been the first bit of food she’d been able to digest in nearly a week, and Manuel could see her growing smaller with each passing day. Maria stood without a word, grabbing a few rags to clean the mess with while Manuel added a couple more logs to the fire before gently scooping up Ana and setting her in his lap, hoping his body heat could do some good to warm her.

    Her task done, Maria joined them at the fireside, laying her head on her elder brother’s shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her tight to him and pressing a kiss first to her cool forehead and then to Ana’s feverish one.

    Four days later, Manuel went to their neighbors’ to borrow a shovel. He dug the grave by himself, rivulets of sweat blending with the equally salty tears already running down his cheeks. The shovel grew heavy with passing time, but never nearly as heavy as the invisible weight on his shoulders, not as heavy as his heart, crushed and set adrift in the blackness of his mind. Curses and prayers blended to a ceaseless and nearly-silent monologue as his feet sunk deeper into the dirt with the hole.

    Five feet away from her mother, Ana was laid to rest, her small body wrapped in the cleanest blanket Manuel and Maria could find. Neither of her siblings could sleep that night and it was in silent tears that they sat in front of the fire til dawn.

    Their father blamed them when he got home, and neither spoke through his shouting, though Manuel got so close to lashing out at him that it took Maria clenching his hand in her own to stop him.

   He left again the same evening with what little money they had left. Some sense in Manuel’s gut gave a feeling of finality to the closing of the door.

    Five hungry days later, Manuel awoke to find himself completely alone, Maria nowhere to be seen, and instantly fear shot through his chest, tightening his breathing, and throbbing in his skull like a beast waiting to be released from its cage. He pushed back the blankets, bare feet thudding against the hardened dirt floor as he ran toward the door, grabbing his grandfather’s dusty old revolver on the way out.

    Shouts down the street as he emerged into it were the next bad sign, striking his ears as harsh chords. Those in the town who caused trouble in the streets should have still been in bed hungover at this hour.

    His feet led him toward the noise, toward the shouts of, “Stop, police!” and, “Get her!”

    And then he saw her shoot out from a side-street, his little Maria, running for her life, a presumably stolen loaf of bread clutched to her chest, hopelessly out-paced by the three mounted officers behind her as she pelted toward him.

    When the crack rang out and Maria staggered, Manuel felt it as if it had been him the shot hit. He froze, the breath punched out of his lungs, watching helplessly as she tottered and then fell forward, landing face-first in the dirt. It was as if through a haze he watched one of the officers dismount and walk across the dusty road toward Maria. He knelt and was reaching out to turn her over when Manuel’s senses came screaming back to him, stinging and burning, raw and razor-sharp. His hand rose, cocking the revolver, pulling back the trigger, and the man reeled back. Manuel aimed and fired again before the remaining two could react, and another fell out of his saddle to land in a pile on the dirt. The last one fired, but Manuel didn’t feel the deep cut the bullet left in his shoulder; his scream of rage and hurt resounded down the street as he fired his last shot and the last man fell. Already he could hear hooves nearby, men’s voices rising in increasingly urgent shouts.

    Tears were streaming down his face as he ran and dropped to his knees next to his sister, pulling her body into his lap and cradling her in his arms, her blood soaking hot and wet through his shirt. Her eyes were just barely open, her face ghostly pale. “Manu…” she said, and then coughed weakly, a trickle of blood tracing from the corner of her mouth. “Go.” And then she was gone, her last breath escaping her in a little puff as the light left her eyes.

    Manuel groaned, the sound hardly human, desperate with loss as the world threatened to crash down him, looming over him like the crest of an immense wave. He gently set his sister in the dirt though the thought of leaving her manifested a deep, physical pain in his chest, and mounted one of the horses, nudging the creature hard with his knees.

    And then they ran, ran from everything Manuel had lost, ran from the town where he’d lived his whole life and loved more fiercely than he imagined he ever would again, ran from the torture of it all. The wind dried the tears on his cheeks and stung the cut on his shoulder but the pain made him focus, reminded him that he was alive, a criminal now, with no friends, no family, and nowhere to go.

    But for some reason that he supposed he would have to seek out, he was alive.

    He clung to that search like a dying man, and it was that that kept him going, through days fleeing his foes, months on the road, and years of solitude. He blamed himself for what had happened and he swore off love, preferring to live hard and let his calloused and scarred heart rest, though under it, the fire of a tired and vulnerable teenage boy still burned. Yet slowly he forgot, forgot what it was to love, what it was to be with other people, to look out for them and care for them, and life was easier that way. He had failed his sisters and thus failed himself, and he aimed to never make that mistake again.

    But despite years of resolve, a bounty hunter’s promise, a small town, and six fighters were all it took to break through the barriers around his heart again.

[funface2]

110 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners from comedians – iNews

Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present.

Best jokes from comedians

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” – David Letterman

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.” – Stephen K. Amos

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg

“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld

“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang

“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” – Alex Horne

(Photo: Pexels.com)

“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson

“Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?” – Mickey P Kerr

“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney

“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’” – Peter Kay

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis

Read more:

100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny)

“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” – Joel Dommett

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’” – Paul Merton

“Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre

“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

“Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp

“With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.” – Henning When

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly

“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” – Sarah Millican

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’” – Stewart Francis

Stewart Francis is a master of the one-liner

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr

Read more:

115 of the best bad jokes

105 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds

“My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans

“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood

I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper

“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’ The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’ And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’” – Ronnie Barker

“It’s really hard to define ��virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.” – Lucy Porter

“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” – Dara Ó Briain

“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson

“I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?” – Eric Lampaert

Classic one-liners

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster!

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”

A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took them two hours to pass the salt.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”

(Photo: Pexels)

I’m in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.

I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Read more:

51 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding

48 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes

I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: “Did you get my drift?”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.

I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.

Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

(Photo: Flickr)

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!”

I went to the doctors the other day and he said: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.” So I went – and I got it.

Went to the corner shop – bought four corners.

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bisatchel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Cringe-worthy (but amusing) puns

Read more:

105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.

My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends. He was too clothes minded.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

And some jokes for the kids

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!

What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!

Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moo-vies!

How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

Read more:

110 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!

Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!

Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!

Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? Because she was stuffed.

What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!

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MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. | The Latest: Utility: Slope collapses at coal ash landfill

New Post has been published on https://www.stl.news/myrtle-beach-s-c-the-latest-utility-slope-collapses-at-coal-ash-landfill/170691/

MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. | The Latest: Utility: Slope collapses at coal ash landfill

MYRTLE BEACH, S.C.— The Latest on Tropical Storm Florence (all times local): 8:10 p.m.

Duke Energy says heavy rains from Florence have caused a slope to collapse at a coal ash landfill at a closed power station outside Wilmington, North Carolina.

Duke spokeswoman Paige Sheehan said Saturday evening that about 2,000 cubic yards (1,530 cubic meters) of ash have been displaced at the Sutton Plant and that contaminated storm water likely flowed into Sutton Lake, the plant’s cooling pond. The company hasn’t yet determined if the weir that drains the cooling pond was open or whether any contamination may have flowed into the swollen Cape Fear River.

Sheehan says the company had reported the incident to state and federal regulators.

Sutton was retired in 2013 and the company has been excavating ash to remove to safer lined landfills. The gray ash left behind when coal is burned contains toxic heavy metals, including lead and arsenic.

Florence slammed into the North Carolina coast as a large hurricane Friday and has since flooded rivers and left destruction and several people dead. __ 7:55 p.m.

The core of Tropical Storm Florence is now drifting westward over South Carolina, threatening more flash floods and major river flooding.

The National Hurricane Center said Florence was located around 8 p.m. Saturday about 65 miles (100 kilometers) east-southeast of Columbia, the South Carolina capital. Its top sustained winds have dropped some to 45 mph (75 kph) and Florence is crawling along at 2 mph (4 kph).

Forecasters say that Florence is still a dangerous storm and is expected to dump excessive rainfall on wide areas of North Carolina and South Carolina. They also say the storm could kick up a few tornadoes on its trek across the region.

The large storm came ashore earlier in the week as a hurricane, flooding rivers, forcing high-water rescues and leaving several people dead amid a trail of destruction. ___ 7:25 p.m.

President Donald Trump is tweeting his sympathies and condolences for victims of Florence.

In a tweet Saturday evening, Trump said five deaths had been recorded so far in the storm’s wake. Officials had already raised the death toll to 11 by the time of the tweet, which followed a White House briefing.

Trump tweeted: “Deepest sympathies and warmth go out to the families and friends of the victims. May God be with them!”

Florence, which came ashore as a large hurricane earlier in the week, is slowly crawling inland across the Carolinas after dumping heavy rains and causing severe flooding. The flooding threat continues in the region. ___ 6 p.m.

Some of North Carolina’s largest public universities are canceling classes a little longer because travel remains uncertain and risky while Florence lingers in the region.

The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and North Carolina State University in Raleigh both announced Saturday that they would resume classes Tuesday. East Carolina University in Greenville —which is closer to the coast— plans to re-open Wednesday.

News releases from all three campuses identified travel challenges for students in making their decisions. These schools cancelled classes for two or three days earlier in the week as Florence approached the coast as a hurricane. Though downgraded to a tropical storm it is still churning across the region, dumping heavy rains and leaving flooding and destruction in its wake. ___ 5:35 p.m.

Authorities say three more people have died in North Carolina as a result of Florence, bringing the overall death toll to 11.

In Raleigh, North Carolina, the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner has confirmed the storm-related deaths of an 81-year-old man in Wayne County who fell and struck head while packing to evacuate Friday. That agency also is reporting the deaths of a husband and wife in a house fire that same day in Cumberland County that is linked to the storm.

Authorities did not immediately release further details.

Florence, which came ashore as a large hurricane earlier in the week, is slowly crawling inland across the Carolinas after dumping heavy rains and causing severe flooding. ___ 5:25 p.m.

President Donald Trump was briefed by telephone Saturday on Florence’s impact on the East Coast.

No details about the content of the president’s briefing were released.

The White House issued a photograph showing Trump seated at a desk in the residence holding a telephone receiver to his ear.

Vice President Mike Pence stood nearby. ___ 5:25 p.m.

The top U.S. military commander for national defense says the slow movement of the storm is making it difficult to get more helicopters airborne for rescues in hard-hit areas.

The head of U.S. Northern Command, Air Force Gen. Terrence J. O’Shaughnessy, tells The Associated Press that Marine MV-22 Osprey aircraft are preparing to launch off Navy ships heading toward the coast, to provide greater awareness of what’s going, particularly in North Carolina.

O’Shaughnessy says Northern Command is also using two airborne early warning radar and surveillance aircraft, flying above the storm, to assess bridges, roads and other infrastructure. The aircraft are also able to help relay communications from low-flying helicopters to the FAA if transmissions are affected by storm.

O’Shaughnessy says he expects helicopters and high-water vehicles will be the greatest need. ___ 5:20 p.m.

Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam is warning residents in the southwest part of the state to prepare for flooding and possible landslides early next week from the remnants of Hurricane Florence.

The state so far has been spared from severe hurricane impacts, but the southwest portion of the state is expecting up to 12 inches (30 centimeters) of rain.

Northam said in a news release Saturday that emergency management officials are working to move people and commodities into place to prepare for flooding, including swift water rescue teams. Says Northam: “Now is not the time to let our guard down.”

Emergency officials in Virginia have also deployed 25 high-wheeled vehicles and 50 personnel to help with rescue operations in North Carolina. ___ 5:10 p.m.

Transportation officials dealing with worsening roads because of Florence have a message for out-of-state motorists traveling through North Carolina: Please don’t use our highways.

State Transportation Secretary Jim Trogdon made the plea Saturday, citing the continuing rains and expected flash flooding that has closed parts of 100 major roads.

A 16-mile (25-kilometer) stretch of Interstate 95 is already closed, and Trogdon expects other portions of the road to be shut down near Lumberton as the Lumber River’s levels rise there. And a smaller portion of Interstate 40 is shut down.

Trogdon says flash flooding on roads could continue for several days. He says he wants to prevent thousands of people potentially being stranded on the road sides due to sudden flooding.

He adds that North Carolina is working with officials in other states and with federal transportation officials to get the word out to motorists to avoid the Carolinas and find alternate routes through the neighboring states of Virginia, Tennessee, and Georgia. ___ 5:05 p.m.

Officials say high-water rescues have been completed in New Bern, a North Carolina city swamped by flooding from Florence.

The city said in a statement Saturday that 455 people in all were rescued from Florence’s floodwaters. Waters began rising there late Thursday as Florence approached as a hurricane.

New Bern spokeswoman Colleen Roberts says there were no significant injuries reported during the rescues, and there have been no fatalities in the city. She says a round-the-clock curfew is in effect until Monday morning, meaning residents shouldn’t be out on the streets.

Roberts said around 1,200 people were in local shelters Saturday. She says thousands of buildings are damaged and calls the destruction “heart-wrenching.” ___ 5 p.m.

All coastal storm surge warnings have been discontinued as Tropical Florence slowly plods inland.

The National Hurricane Center says water levels along the Carolinas coastline were gradually receding Saturday afternoon, though some minor coastal flooding was possible through Sunday.

Florence’s heavy rainfall is forecast to continue, potentially causing catastrophic inland flooding. The hurricane center says some areas along North Carolina’s coast could see up to 40 inches (100 centimeters) of total rain by the time Florence passes through early next week.

At 5 p.m. Saturday, Florence was barely crawling west at 2 mph (3.2 kph), with its center located about 60 miles (95 kilometers) west of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Florence’s top sustained winds were holding at 45 mph (75 kph).

Forecasters say Florence could weaken to a tropical depression late Saturday. ___ 4:30 p.m.

A U.S. Department of Transportation official says additional closures that could last up to a week are expected along a major interstate in North Carolina as flooding worsens.

Jim Ray said on a conference call Saturday with other federal officials that within the next 24 hours, the Cape Fear River is expected to overtake Interstate 95 near Fayetteville. Ray also says the Lumber River is expected to overtake I-95 in Robeson County near the South Carolina state line. Ray says that will prompt closures that could last up to a week.

A 16-mile (25-kilometer) stretch of I-95 between its intersection with I-40 — near the town of Dunn — was already closed Saturday.

Law enforcement has set up a detour.

Ray says that closure due to a flash flood was expected to last for about a day. __ 4:15 p.m.

A herd of wild horses that roams a northern portion of North Carolina’s Outer Banks has survived Florence just fine.

The Corolla Wild Horse Fund, a group devoted to protecting and managing the herd of wild Colonial Spanish Mustangs, posted a message on its Facebook page saying the horses were “doing their normal thing — grazing, socializing, and wondering what us crazy humans are all worked up over.”

Forecasts earlier in the week that showed Florence potentially making a more direct hit on the northern Outer Banks had many people worried about how the horses would fare. But wildlife experts had said there was no need to worry.

The Cape Hatteras National Seashore tweeted Saturday that all of the ponies in another herd on Ocracoke Island were safe.

The Cape Lookout National Seashore said in a Facebook post that it would provide an update on a herd of horses at another location — Shackleford Banks — just as soon as staff could return to do condition assessments. __ 4:10 p.m.

A mandatory evacuation order has been issued in North Carolina’s Cumberland County and the towns of Linden and Wade for anyone living within a mile (1.6 kilometers) of the banks of the Cape Fear and Little rivers.

Josh Kicklighter, a 23-year-old truck driver from Nicholas County, West Virginia, who moved to Wade two years ago, sat on his porch with his family Saturday and spoke of how the storm had knocked out his power.

Regarding the evacuation order, Kicklighter says the family would “probably stay” because “I think we’re pretty much out of the way of” the mile radius. ___ 3:50 p.m. The Internal Revenue Service says victims of Hurricane Florence will get a grace period before having to file some tax returns and payments.

The IRS said Saturday it’s offering the relief in parts of North Carolina and other regions designated a disaster area by the Federal Emergency Management Agency.

Upcoming September deadlines for certain individual and business tax filings and payments will be postponed until Jan. 31 next year.

That includes quarterly estimated income tax payments that would have been due next week, and quarterly payroll and excise tax returns normally due Sept. 30.

The IRS says it will automatically provide relief for people with addresses in the counties designated a disaster area.

Taxpayers who qualify for relief but live outside the disaster area can call the IRS at 866-562-5227. ___ 3 p.m.

South Carolina Gov. Henry McMaster is reopening the state’s government next week, but state officials are warning that the danger of significant flooding will persist.

State Transportation Secretary Christy Hall told reporters on Saturday that her agency is closely monitoring four bridges in the state’s northeastern section that are in danger of being washed over.

Hall says those bridges are in areas that experienced significant flooding after 2016’s Hurricane Matthew.

McMaster has lifted evacuation orders along much of South Carolina’s coast. Horry and Georgetown counties in the state’s northeastern portion are still under mandatory evacuation.

McMaster says state offices that have been closed during the storm will re-open Monday.

Asked if he had spoken with President Donald Trump —a politically ally whom McMaster backed very early in the 2016 campaign— the governor says the president reassured him South Carolina would get federal assistance to dig out.

“He has said they would do whatever it takes to see that everything is available for South Carolina,” McMaster said. ___ 3:40 p.m.

Many residents who evacuated North Carolina’s Outer Banks ahead of Hurricane Florence are making their way back onto the barrier islands, which were spared from the worst of the storm’s wrath.

The residents as well as workers and property owners were being allowed onto the northern portion of the islands beginning Saturday morning. Visitors were expected to be allowed entry to the same area beginning Sunday.

County officials and business owners reported relatively minimal damage, and there were no immediate reports of injuries or deaths.

While the Outer Banks survived Florence fairly unscathed, scientists say they remain incredibly vulnerable to future storms, climate change, and sea-level rise. ___ 3:30 p.m.

Authorities in North Carolina are reporting two more weather-related deaths.

The Duplin County Sheriff’s Office said on its Facebook page on Saturday that two people died due to “flash flooding and swift water on roadways.”

The Associated Press was unable to get details because the sheriff’s office phone line was not working.

The deaths bring the death toll from Florence, which came ashore on Friday as a hurricane, to at least seven. All but one of those deaths occurred in North Carolina. One victim died in South Carolina. ___ 2:50 p.m.

Hurricane Florence evacuees from the Carolinas are getting free tickets to watch the University of Florida’s football team play Colorado State.

The ticket office and athletic association at the University of Florida extended the invitation to evacuees for Saturday’s game at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium in Gainesville, Florida.

Gator officials say evacuees had to present a valid ID showing they’re from North Carolina or South Carolina. ___ 2:05 p.m.

Though weakened, Florence remains a very large, slow and dangerous storm as it swirls over the Carolinas.

The National Hurricane Center said Florence’s top sustained winds were holding at 45 mph (75 kph), with higher gusts east of the storm’s center.

At 2 p.m. Saturday, Florence was inching west at 3 mph (6 kph), with its center located about 50 miles (85 kilometers) west of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

Forecasters say prolonged rainfall from Florence could produce catastrophic flash flooding and significant river flooding.

Tropical storm-force winds stretched up to 150 miles (240 kilometers) from the storm’s center. ___ 1:50 p.m.

Officials in South Carolina are reporting the state’s first fatality due to Florence, bringing the storm’s overall death toll to at least five.

A 61-year-old woman was killed late Friday when the vehicle she was driving struck a tree that had fallen across Highway 18 near the town of Union.

Capt. Kelley Hughes of the South Carolina Highway Patrol said the woman, who was wearing a seat belt, died at the scene. No passengers were in the vehicle at the time of the crash.

The tree was about 6 feet above the road surface. Hughes said the vehicle’s roof is what struck the tree.

Four weather-related deaths have been reported in North Carolina. ___ 12:35 p.m.

Portions of eastern North Carolina’s two interstates are closed because of flooding caused by Tropical Storm Florence’s torrential rains and may not re-open before Monday.

The state Department of Transportation says a 16-mile (26-kilometer) stretch of Interstate 95 between its intersection with I-40 and near the town of Dunn is closed. Law enforcement has set up a detour.

Transportation Secretary Jim Trogdon said Saturday that authorities were still assembling an alternate route for a 5-mile section of I-40 that is closed in both directions near the town of Warsaw, about 70 miles (115 kilometers) southeast of Raleigh.

The state DOT said on its website that the two roads are expected to re-open by Monday morning.

Trogdon says road conditions are expected to get worse in the immediate future, pointing out the number of closed primary roads in eastern counties had doubled compared to Friday. He urged motorists not to travel east of I-95 or south of U.S. Highway 70. ___ 11:45 a.m.

The Navy says almost 30 Virginia-based ships and 128 aircraft sent away from their bases in the Hampton Roads-area because of now-Tropical Storm Florence have been given the go-ahead to return.

The Navy says the aircraft will make their way back beginning Saturday, and the ships will start to return Sunday.

A Navy statement says the decision comes after inspections of the region’s port and airfield. ___ 11 a.m.

Tropical Storm Florence continues to weaken as it dumps dangerous amounts of rain across the Carolinas.

The National Hurricane Center said Florence’s top sustained winds have weakened to 45 mph (75 kph).

At 11 a.m. Saturday, Florence was moving west at 2 mph (4 kph), with its center located about 40 miles (65 kilometers) west of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

The storm’s extremely slow speed means the risk of catastrophic flooding remains high across both states. Some areas are forecast to receive up to 15 inches more rain, and storm totals could reach over 3 feet in some areas for the week.

National Hurricane Center Director Ken Graham says areas like New Bern, North Carolina, could also see additional storm surge as high tide combines with the ocean waters still being pushed ashore by Florence’s outer bands. ___ 8:25 a.m.

The White House says President Donald Trump has issued a disaster declaration for North Carolina and that will make federal money available to people in the counties of Beaufort, Brunswick, Carteret, Craven, New Hanover, Onslow, Pamlico and Pender.

Government aid can include grants for temporary housing and home repairs, low-cost loans to cover uninsured property losses, and other programs to help individuals and business owners recover from the effects of Hurricane Florence.

Money also is available to the state, some local governments, and some private nonprofit groups on a cost-sharing basis for emergency work in those counties. ___ 8 a.m.

Tropical Storm Florence is continuing to dump dangerous amounts of rain as it continues its slow slog across the Carolinas.

The National Hurricane Center said Florence is moving west at 2 mph (3.2 kph), with its center located about 35 miles (56 kilometers) west of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Maximum sustained winds remained at 50 mph (80 kph).

The region is being pounded with rain from the slow-moving storm, causing the risk of catastrophic flooding. Southern and central portions of North Carolina into far northeast Parts of North and South Carolina can expect an additional 10 to 15 inches. Storm totals could reach between 30 and 40 inches in some areas.

At 8 a.m. EDT, the Miami-based hurricane center said rainfall will continue to produce catastrophic flash flooding and prolonged significant river flooding. ___ 5 a.m.

Tropical Storm Florence keeps drenching the central Carolinas, with an additional 10 to 15 inches of rain expected before it finally swings north over the Appalachian Mountains and into the Ohio Valley on Monday.

The National Hurricane Center says top sustained winds have dropped to near 50 mph (80 kph) with higher gusts, and Florence is expected to become a tropical depression later Saturday.

At 5 a.m., the center was all but parked over South Carolina, about 35 miles (55 kilometers) west of Myrtle Beach, moving west-southwest at just 5 mph (8 kph) and scooping massive amounts of moisture from the sea. ___ 1:30 a.m.

Tropical Storm Florence is practically stalled over the Carolinas and the monster storm could dump drenching rains of up to 3½ feet (1 meter). That, in turn, could trigger epic flooding well inland.

North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper calls Florence the “uninvited brute” that could wipe out entire communities. The storm is some 400 miles (645 kilometers) wide. Power outages are widespread including over 740,000 in North Carolina and 163,000 in South Carolina. Rescue crews have used boats to reach hundreds besieged by the rising waters.

Early Saturday morning Florence’s winds weakened to 65 mph (100 kph) as it moved forward at 5 mph (7 kph) and was about 15 miles (25 kilometers) west northwest of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. ___ 11 p.m.

A severe inland flood threat is emerging as remnants of Florence pound the Carolinas with nearly nonstop rain for a second day since the once major hurricane howled ashore.

At least four people have died since Hurricane Florence crashed into the coast Friday and nearly stalled. Though forecasters later downgraded Florence to a tropical storm, the monster system is barely moving over the Carolinas and could dump drenching rains of up to 3½ feet (1 meter). That, in turn, could trigger epic flooding well inland.

North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper calls Florence the “uninvited brute” that could wipe out entire communities. The storm is some 400 miles (645 kilometers) wide. Power outages are widespread, and rescue crews have used boats to reach hundreds besieged by the rising waters. ___ This story corrects the metric conversion in the first entry.

By Associated Press