#So this recap was really hard to write for a lot of reasons which some of you know about

[kohabielnin]

Headcanons Truth & Inference Lovers

Today I wasn't going to write anything because I woke up sore and sick, but as I felt a little better, and I saw something that made my day, I decided to write a little. I removed Emma and Naib because unfortunately I didn't know much, but in their place I put Rosemary

D.M/Désire Mélodis

• If he already showed you off when you were just his employee, now that you're his groom/bride, he won't give you a moment's peace,

• He cares about you, of course, but that doesn't mean he doesn't tease you and irritate you sometimes,

• To recap what we already know, D.M is a demon among humans, so unless you like not walking for days, don't irritate him,

• His snake has great affection for you, so it's normal for it to wrap itself around you while you're sitting on D.M.'s lap on his orders,

• He loves seeing your face blush when he says it loudly at parties, "I'm sorry, ladies, but I don't want to keep my beautiful bride Y/n waiting for me", yes, he says it loud and clear for everyone to hear,

• Honestly, Mr. Inference and Gatto really feel sorry for you

Noir/Saphir Mélodis

• I'm sorry, but your right to go on missions with him has been revoked at his request,

• He cares enough about you to keep you away from all the dangers of the missions he and you were on,

• When he's not on missions or it's at night, he loves sharing calming moments like taking a shower together or sleeping cuddled together, which he says calms him down after a stressful day.

• There isn't a day that goes by that Tuberose doesn't tease you, of course you also tease him back, so Noir usually watches the mini wars that you and Tuberose have,

• Leon already liked you a lot and with you officially being family, the hawk allowed himself to get attached to you,

• He's not as present as possible, but he tries to make up for it by spoiling you whenever D.M allows him to rest

Tuberose/Jack

• Let's start with a fact, he will only stay with you if Lady Rosemary also likes you,

• His face was once a reason for you to fight with him, but after he showed it to you, after months of pestering him about it, you never wanted to see him with a mask again,

• Rosemary thinks the relationship you two have is cute and is happy to participate in it too,

• He tends to be quite protective of you and Rosemary, so it's not surprising that if he sees D.M teasing you he'll get jealous,

• He'll never admit it, but he loves it when you sit on his lap and Rosemary plays with his hair, he finds moments like that comforting,

• You and Rosemary are his treasure, so he will not rest until you are both satisfied in every way, he is a man devoted to both of his treasures

Rosemary/Grace

• What led her to accept you in a relationship with Tuberose was her knowledge of plants,

• As she is usually busy with important matters, she tends to leave you alone most of the time, but that never stopped you from going to her and massaging her shoulders,

• Tuberose likes how hard you are to be in a relationship with him and Rosemary,

• She may also end up suffering from jealousy if she sees you with DM a lot and when that happens she doesn't leave your side and doesn't let go of the hug,

• Her calming moments with you are when you are massaging her shoulders or lying on her lap, she always smiles stupidly when she sees your sleeping face,

• She likes to give you bracelets or flower crowns, because according to her it makes you more beautiful, as flowers make your beauty more evident.

Gatto/Aesop Carl

• It took him a while to accept being in a relationship with you,

• Don't force hugs or any other type of touch, he doesn't feel comfortable, so it's better to wait for him to ask for something like that,

• He's a bit shy so he'll always stutter when he asks you for some kind of affection, which is why he prefers not to speak, just open his arms or lay his head on your shoulder or lap, even if it makes him extremely red,

• Cat loves being on top of you, filling you with hair, it's her fault that Gatto ends up touching you even more,

• He loves it when you make him coffee or just pat him on the head, because it reminds him of things his mother used to do,

• Even with little courage, if D.M says something that doesn't please you, he will defend you because this is one of his ways of proving that you are important to him, but after D.M leaves, please, make a coffee and pat his head , he gave his all to defend you even though he was scared

White/Saphir Mélodis

• Let's be honest here, you being engaged to him hasn't changed the way he acts towards you,

• Surprise hugs, kisses on the forehead, nose and cheek, messy hair, are just some of the things he does,

• His owl likes to sleep on your head and that's extremely cute,

• Making him blush is something rare, but it is one of the cutest scenes that can exist,

• Let's face it, White is a cute romantic, so he goes out of his way to see your beautiful smile,

• He loves to affirm that he loves you, in public or in private, there is no one who can stop him from proving his love for you, even if he doesn't like kissing you in public, light caresses like kissing your forehead and stroking your hair are allowed for him in public

[retromimic]

re: Astarion's age (and others)

I made a random post last week about Astarion's age and I have been thinking about it since.

I also realized that we do have other characters we can use to have a better idea of timelines and stuff.

And by other characters I mean Jaheira and Halsin.

More under the cut, tl;dr at the end

Jaheira

Jaheira is from the first two Baldur's Gate games, which both take place over 100 years before BG3 (1368 and 1369, so 123 before BG3, which is in 1492).

She's a half-elf, who age pretty much the same as human, but live longer, so she probably was in her 20's or early 30's in the first games, which would make her about 150 years old in BG3. This makes sense with her appearance, as half-elves live for about 180 years.

Note: Based on appearance only, it's possible Jaheira was older in the first games, but considering they were released in 1998 and 2000, I highly doubt they made the hot half elf lady an actual middle-age woman lmao

Side note: Minsc

Minsc is a human and also from the first two games, but there is a canon reason why he's still alive and doesn't look like he got older like Jaheira did. iykyk

Halsin

He just straight up says he's 350 years old. He's an elf.

He also does look old, but not that old.

Shadowheart

We know she is at least 40 years old (but not much older), and she doesn't look too old. It's subjective but to me she looks like a human late 20's, early 30's (I do think she looks older than Jaheira did in the first two games, but graphic quality and time does affect that). She's a half-elf, so that also checks out.

Recap so far:

Half-elves:

Live for about 180 years

40's: young and soft

150's: Mommy™

Elves:

Live for a long time (in game: at least 350 years, in DnD lore: about 700 years)

350's: Daddy™

Now onto the baby

Astarion

The information can be conflicting, so I'll try to break it down.

The tombstone

This is where it gets complicated because not only is it hard to read, but also is kind of contradictory.

It's written in the Thorass alphabet.

The initial dates are the easiest to read:

229 - 268 DR

Which would mean he was 39 years old when he died. Which a lot of people find it a bit hard to believe considering he looks much older, especially if you compare him to Shadowheart, who's not only older, but also only a half-elf.

I'll come back to it later.

What makes the tombstone complicated is the date Astarion adds. They are hard to read, the first one is barely readable and the numbers 5, 6, 7 and 9 can be easily mistaken for one another when it's someone who just had the most emotional moment of his life carving it in stone with a dagger.

The general consensus from what I've seen has been that it's 498 and that the dates on the tombstone are omitting the 1 (so the dates would actually be 1229, 1268 and 1498 DR), or that Larian made a mistake and should have made the dates in NR, not DR (which would bring the dates to 1261 and 1300 for his birth/death)

Both options have flaws because of the date Astarion writes should either read 492 (omitting the 1) or 460 (NR instead of DR). Neither are really plausible because the last number really doesn't look neither like a 2 or a 0.

The first option would also mean that Astarion died 230 years ago, which we know is not true. A lot of things in-game (not just Astarion) confirms it.

The second option would place his death 192 years ago, which is the most plausible.

But then how to explain the error in the date he adds?

Either he fucked up and doesn't know what year it is.

Or the first number is actually a 2, and he wrote 268, which is the year he died. We'll go with this one.

So, conclusion? Astarion was 39 years old when he died, 192 years ago, making him now 231 years old.

Physical appearance

Now, onto his look.

As mentioned earlier, Astarion doesn't look like he's younger than 40-something half-elf, so some people think the tombstone might be reading 129, giving him an extra 100 years at death, which would make more sense, but there is clearly more than just one dot on that first number, and there is a more plausible reason for him looking so old:

Vampire spawn appeared as they did in life, though their features were hardened and appeared predatory.

Source: Forgotten Realms Wiki

Add to that nearly 200 years of torture? That would make a man look a couple decades older.

And it's not really hard to imagine he was 39 years old at death when you see him, mostly post-Cazador, with softer expressions. (There is posts about it on here, sorry I can't link)

There is one last argument against this, which is the fact that elves reach "adulthood" at around 100 yeas old, and that Astarion already had a job and everything when he died.

But that's really easy to explain;

Elves physically reach adulthood at the same rate as humans, but their concept of adulthood is different, which is why "socially" they are considered adults only much later.

But also, this is socially, and socially, Astarion grew up in Baldur's Gate, a multi-cultural city, so he didn't grow up with elven mentality. Him having a job at 39 years old is very much plausible.

SO.

TL;DR:

Astarion was still pretty much a child when he died at 39 years old, 192 years ago.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

6 month solstice/full moon check-in livejournalstyle

So i've been advised to recap the past 6 months. Especially since this current Capricorn full moon is exacting at 1 degree Capricorn which happens to be the same degree as My Ascendant. (Pinkmoondoll number 1 :@!!!!!)

The Cancer full moon happened at around 5 degrees on december 26th 2023. That is my ex's birthday. On winter solstice 2023, exactly 6 months ago, i cut her out of my life. We were already broken up for a long time before that but i continued to let her stay in my life for a few reason, namely guilt & fear. Guilt because of the emotional turmoil she projected onto me & fear because, well, we are married and i didn't know what would happen to my immigration status if i cut her off. I still don't! This has not changed yet.

Pretty much everything else about me & my life has changed though. internally at least. Having her out of my life has allowed me so much freedom to get back to who i am & live with integrity. The only people left in my life now are ones who are respectful, kind, have their own shit going on, appreciate that i am my own person too, allow me to breathe, don't expect anything specific from me, don't toy with my mind & emotions. They are just glad to let me be who i am. No one tries to control me anymore. i feel so wonderful because no one can control me.

So the past 6 months has been a series of stages of getting back to Me. unraveling all the lies i was fed for years, healing from the pain of being manipulated, feeling that so much of my energy was wasted. Truly truly wasted. i'm not one of those people who can live without regrets lol. i wish i broke free so much sooner, the stress destroyed my health for years. But ultimately, this is how it went down, so i strive towards acceptance.

For the first few months of this year i was really on a huge substance abuse kick! im not gonna specify what, but iykyk. Like i really just could not bear the weight of what i was feeling. Every day i was finding out more and more info about lies i'd been told, stuff happening behind my back. All i could rly do was take pills & tunnel vision into ableton or drawing or whatever. it helped repress my emotions & i got a lot done during this time but it was unhealthy & the more it progressed i saw how unsustainable it was.

around spring equinox shit HIT THE FAN e_e So this would be the quarter year mark. Well it was march 15 when denji ate the ziploc bag and had to get emergency obstruction removal surgery. That immediately halted all projects i was working on. I was still taking a lot of pills to cope with the stress of that situation & at that point i needed them just to function at a base level. Then i think april 4th or 5th was when i found out Sammy died, which...i mean yeah i've spoken a lot on how horrific that was & still remains to be.

I mean , like, that shit, rearranged my whole brain, that shit reset me. this also marked the time period where like... my psychic senses really began evolving. idt it was necessarily linked to sammy's death, it just weirdly shifted around that time. i think the lunar eclipse in late march caused some type of quantum leap idk man idek. Then the solar eclipse in april sealed the deal. Ever since then the craziest stuff that i cant even rly talk about has been happening to me & i immediately felt compelled to like, quit all drugs and just fucking ascend lol.

Sooo first i started w pill numero uno, the really diabolical one, middle of april i just said fuck it, i am done. at this point i had abused it so hard it wasnt even doing shit for me anymore, even when i took tolerance breaks, it was genuinely pointless to continue. i did wonder how the fuck i was ever gonna function without it and i was scared. The final few weeks of april were just a total write off, didnt do shit, totally depressed & grieving & miserable but weirdly hopeful too. Like i knew i just had to suffer and get it over with.

pill 2 was actually pretty easy to cut back on because ive quit it a bunch of times before & know what to expect, and since i was already suffering so bad from pill 1 after about a week i thought yeah i might as well stop the other one too lol. there was no noticable increase in suffering from stopping it. So by the 2nd week of May it had been around 3 weeks of feeling like pure ass but i was starting to feel WAYYYY better and my normal goofy self again.

That is the worst thing about adhd meds for me lol they robbed me of my whimsy and goofiness T_T Like i was so serious all the time T_T it was even kinda affecting my relationship w slimbo. Like i couldnt be affectionate i was just a robot. All i cared about was working and i was so impatient. As i came off the meds i started to remember how nice it is to just be slow, be in the moment, enjoy simple things with my love, not constantly bound to this gnawing neurosis pushing me to squeeze maximum productivity out of every single second.

like i said , i'm 1 degree cap rising sooo this neurosis is something that exists firmly within my personality, for sure. i mean, if u cant tell, I Be Doing Things lol. And i get very competitive with myself. the dark side of me is that i want to be the best at everything. A big part of my adult life has been learning how to relax. learning how to have fun, learning how to be a little pointless. Without the meds this is a struggle for me so with the meds it was genuinely impossible not to be completely controlled by the rabid impulse to work.

So getting off the meds was a big exercise in confronting my fear of Not being the best. my fear of chilling, my fear of being still & unoccupied. But i did it! And i feel so much better. Like holy shit, i feel SO much better.

By the mid-May i was picking up steam in just being able to live again. a lot of the brainfog & physical heaviness lifted. I was still not very productive at art or music, but i was getting really good at not letting that bug me. spending a lot of time working in the garden, got back into yoga, reading, just doing leisurely stuff that felt expansive to my inner world rather than trying to externalize anything. psychic experiences continued to amplify. became interested in tarot again as i no longer felt i was living in fear of my higher self.

after getting off the pills i began feeling really fixated on the notion of quitting weed. Previously this had been genuinely unthinkable to me. Like, me and weed, we were One, every person i'd ever been as an adult had smoked weed, it was weirdly part of my identity, for 15 years i genuinely believed i could not exist without weed, like i would just lose my fucking mind if i stopped. i did not believe in myself.

But as the psychic experiences progressed i felt strongly that i want to go deeper. Previously i had been afraid to go deeper. In that regard i think i was truly afraid of my own potential. I wasn't ready for it, and that's actually fine. A lot of people aren't.. But as May was coming to a close i knew that i was ready, and actually, it was crucial of me to put an end to this. I was enjoying finally having some sense of peace & joy after how crummy it felt quitting the pills , i didn't really want to disturb that state of being, but i also was having that feeling again that i just need to "get it over with".

So when it struck June 1st i was like yeah fuck it. Let this mark a new beginning. as soon as i realize something is no longer in my best interest its almost impossible for me to keep going with it! like i can't live with myself. I guess that's where my fixation on being "the best" can serve me sometimes. if that makes sense.. Like i willllll always end up putting my foot down and saying NO :T

So yeah. it's recent enough that i don't really feel the need to detail how the first 2 weeks of june were sooooo sucky and emotional and generally dysfunctional. couldn't even read or draw or do any minor tasks i was sooo out of my mind. Not much needs to be said about it. i just had to simply allow time to pass. a lot of days spent in bed crying & dissolving.

right around the 2 week mark we went to missouri & this is when i started noticing myself feeling way way better. the whole time i didn;t even think about weed or my symptoms at all. i was so present in each moment and it was so easy to just feel....alive. also had some intense psychic experiences, one of which i haven;t even talked about on here, and i probably wont because its too sacred. The overarching theme between all the experiences i've been having since late march is that they feel too sacred to tell anyone. The high priestess emphasizes secrecy in some matters..

Which brings us to now, june 21, 21 days w/o weed, 3 weeks. I know that sounds like nothing but this has been 15 YEARS coming. that's half my lifespan so far. and now i just feel fine. i got thru the blues of quitting, all the repressed emotions, im sure they'll still pop up from time to time too. but ultimately i am just so fucking relieved to be free of that shit and like, functioning, able to sleep, not riddled with anxiety and self hatred like i was when i started as a grieving baby teenager.

i guess i wanted to write this to remind myself what a monumental shift i have made in my life in the first half of 2024, and how insanely far i've come in the grand scheme of my life, in a relatively short timespan. because i keep getting this feeling of self doubt where i'm like wait... it's almost july and i've barely completed any tasks, i still havent finished my music, wtf am i doing :( But i dont think i was supposed to finish it until i shed all these habits that were causing major roadblocks in my path!

shed my ex, shed pills, shed weed. shed grief! shed self doubt. emptied my vessel & it has allowed room for so much new life to come through. new forces being channeled. my mediumship abilities now are in focus and taking off at an accelerated rate. for the first time in my life i'm not in survival mode. i feel this is my reward for living through it all when i wanted nothing more than to give up for so many years. i prayed for death, every day, i really did. now i am dead! the old me died. and i carry her memory with honor, i carry on the parts of her that wished to remain and be loved, but she is effectively dead.

for the first time in my life i am really proud of myself. i don't feel so competitive with myself anymore. i don't need to prove myself externally. i do not require any validation of my existence. i can sit with myself without feeling extreme self induced dread & despair. i feel worthy even though i am still (from the outside looking in) at the exact same place i was at 6 months ago.

i'm finally feeling ready to work a little harder again, but not because i'm desperate to gain anything from it. just because it's fun, and fundamentally, as stated above, that drive is a part of my personality, a part of me that i love & cherish. number 1 is the magician. the mage patchouli ~~~ the alchemist. create for the sake of creating.

if anyone read this far, thats wild xD but thats dope too.. I guess one thing i'd like for the future is just to inspire people that you can alchemize the tragedies of your life and all the suffering into something much greater than yourself. You can get through it and be happy with your meager little life one day, even if it takes 30 or 40 years, it's worth it to try & worth it to get here. You do not have to wallow in sadness and self doubt forever, even if u see no way out rn.

i'm happy just being me ^_^ i have so much fun when i'm in my mind. bladee voice ~~be in your mind, be in your mind, be in your mind~~. i love how simple everything feels right now. i love how people & entities can come to me because they trust me to receive their messages & understand them. My own projections do not get in the way anymore. I shed so much. I am free. Happy Strawberry Moon everyone.

SIncerely, PMD9

[nagisasstunningpersonality]

Comprehensive Guide For Assassination Classroom Content

Because it's pretty hard to find a straight up list of it all. Please note that whilst I believe this is accurate, I was not involved in the fandom whilst the series was active and so could reasonably miss something.

Core Content

Assassination Classroom manga as serialised in Shounen Jump. If you buy the physical volumes, there's a bit of additional content between chapters, most notably introductory character profiles.

Assassination Classroom anime (some count seasons 1 and 2 as separate entities)

Assassination Classroom Meeting Time - an animated short featuring Korosensei and Karasuma's first meeting.

Assassination Classroom Extra Curricular Lessons - adaptations of a couple of manga chapters that weren't in the show itself. I'll just link a playlist here. Fun fact this is where Nagisa gets hit by a chair (lowkey he deserved it)

Additional Content

365 Days Movie. This isn't 'canon' as it's an anime original thing. There's no official English release that I know of. Honestly the movie is mostly a series recap, and only features Karma and Nagisa in new scenes. It's only really worth watching if you especially ship them as there's only maybe 10 minutes of actual content (and most of that is just montage, you can get the gist with this)

Roll Call Book - this was published mid manga run. It's mostly just a bunch of bonus content particularly character based. No official English translation exists, but snippets are easy enough to find online.

Graduation Album - as the name implies, it accompanies the end of the manga. About half of it is an art book, but there's extra character information especially about their post graduation lives. Crucially it includes a few manga shorts which extend past the actual canon ending.

Korotan A, B, C, and D plus Korosuu. They're mostly just Assassination Classroom themed text books (Seriously. My actual university book store sold them.) Korotans are for English vocabulary, Korosuu is for maths. Notably each book also contains a light novel (sometimes these are just referred to as 'the light novels'). It is debatable how canon these are as Matsui didn't write them, but he was involved through illustrating and overseeing the writing. Korotan D is especially debated because it's post canon content set when 3E are 18, but there's a small 'it was all a dream' implication right at the end of the book. Personally speaking I take them as full canon.

Official Spin Offs

The live action movies (part one and two). They change a lot of plot so I place them more in the spin off area. Easily skippable.

Korosensei Quest Manga (otherwise known as Koro Q) - a spin off gag manga set in a fantasy/video game inspired universe. This is not canon (unfortunately) and as far as I understand Matsui isn't involved in it. There's an implication of the idea it's Fuwa's own manga creation. Overall there are four volumes but there's no official English version (though fan scans aren't hard to find).

Korosensei Quest Anime - lightly based on the Koro Q manga. This is only a short 10 episode series though, and was complete long before the original, as such only the first few episodes are actual adaptations and it starts doing its own thing. All voice cast return so that's neat.

The OVA - basically an early adaptation of the Kyoto arc. Link here. It was released in 2013 so predates the actual anime, and a lot of the voice cast are different.

White day shorts featuring Karma, Maehara, and Nagisa - posted on official website as an otome game parody for promotion. Included because they're voice acted.

The 3DS games. They're region locked as far as I understand, and there's no translation of them. You can find it dumped if you know what you're doing with emulators, I've only played a few minutes of it myself.

The app game - no longer available. It was a gatcha tie in game featuring a variety of character illustrations.

Various merch lines and related illustrations. There are far too many to list and new ones still come out sometimes.

As I said, I hope I covered everything but there's a good possibility something slipped my mind.

[boysplanetrecaps]

Build Up Episode 0: Getting to Know the Boys Part 1: Team AllRound

Hey, friends! I’m struggling with writing the recap for episode one of Build Up on MNET because I want to stop and give you the background on everyone, which makes the recap really hard to follow. So I figure I’ll spend some time giving you their backgrounds in four separate posts, to help you get to know the guys. I mention things like where else you may have seen them, if they're in an idol group, who knows who, etc, as well as my opinion of their voice based on their teaser performance. I think it’ll make the recaps easier, both to read and to write. In this first post of four, I’ll be talking about the twelve contestants who chose to join the “Allround” category, as opposed to “Soul”, “Power”, or “Unique.” Let’s go!

Before we go on, I just want to let you know that I’ll sharing my informed opinion on their singing voices. I am going to be a little bit harder on them than I am on singers on Boys Planet, with the understanding that these are all great vocalists. We’re looking for the S+ tier guys amongst a group that is A tier at worst. So if I say anything a bit negative about a fave of yours, understand that I’m not saying that he’s a bad singer! Every guy here is an excellent singer. Cool? Cool! 

I also have to apologize, but most of my screenshots are going to be pretty awkward. The video I'm watching makes it really hard to use because every time you pause it, it opens all sorts of porny popups. When it's paused, it has a huge pause symbol in the middle of the picture. So I have to try to take screen shots while it's in motion. It's not easy! Hope you understand.

Also, I have even less time than usual to proofread these posts, so please forgive me for my inevitable typos. <3 Thank you!

Choi Suhwan

Suhwan is currently a soloist. He’s released a few digital singles, none of which have really taken off, unfortunately. You might remember him from ProduceX 101, where he made it to episode 11, so the final cut before the finale, finishing in 28th place. Pretty good!

He was V17, doing a cover of Energetic by Wanna One. I wasn’t blown away by that performance -- it sounded a little processed, and I wasn’t completely sure it was live --  so I sought out another one. Here’s a live performance of his song Losing Sleep. Unfortunately, in this performance, I found his voice a little too nasal and affected to be to my taste, and he had serious issues with his upper mix. He’s not a terrible singer, but there are a lot of stronger singers on this show. Or maybe I’m wrong and he’ll do better next time. Fighting! 

Bitsaeon

Bitsaeon is 28, and is the main vocalist from M.O.N.T. He seems to have a predilection for soft fuzzy sweaters. He was V36, singing Rose Blossom by H1-Key, and all I wrote down in my notes was “this is just a really nice voice.” I just really liked it. Clean, smooth, easy to listen to.

I think this performance of Creep by Radiohead shows both what I like and what I don’t like as much about his performances. He does a lot of this soft whisper singing in his covers, which seems like a waste of what he can do. I love his full belts -- they’re so good. I want to hear him sing full-on more often in songs, like he did with Rose Blossom.  

M.O.N.T. has a whole complicated dealie that I just don’t have the energy to figure out -- the wikipedia page explains some of it. They’re mainly a three member group, with a leader, a rapper, and a main vocal. They haven’t put out any singles in a while, so I’m not sure what’s going on with them. 

Incidentally, Bitsaeon almost certain knows Jay reasonably well. Jay was involved in this thing called MONT Arena that was supposed to collect more members for MONT, so along the way I’m sure they met. In fact, Jay is still signed to the same agency as them (along with a few other agencies).

Seunghun

Seunghun is 24 and a member of CIX. His teaser song was V01, Rain by Paul Kim, and his performance was kind of… not my favorite. He sounded at times almost like he had a cold, and at other times I’m pretty sure he went off key -- I don’t know the song so I can’t be sure but it sounded off. He showed a lack of agility on one of his vocal runs, which means that as he tried to sing a lot of different notes all in a row, he had trouble transitioning from note to note quickly and hitting them all neatly. He had to switch awkwardly to falsetto to hit a single high note in the middle of a line, which is kind of not the goal. I think he may just have been nervous or having an off day. 

Seunghun also competed on YG Treasure Box, which I didn’t watch, but maybe you did. 

Let’s talk about CIX, baby! (Ok, that joke relies on you pronouncing it “six” but it’s really pronounced “see-eye-ex,” if you read the hangul). 

CIX is a five-member group under C9 entertainment, which is also the home to Cignature and Epex. CIX features Wanna One’s Bae Jinyoung, who is the center and face of the group. As sometimes happens in cases like this, the member who was in the big Produce group is famous and attracts stans, while sometimes the rest of the group just doesn’t get as much love, and the group as a whole suffers. See also: Gugudan, Weki Meki. However, CIX does ok. Per genius.com, “The group has released several Top 10 albums in South Korea, including Hello Chapter Ø: Hello, Strange Dream which gave them their first chart-topper in the country. The group’s singles have also consistently landed in the Circle Music chart.” So CIX is a little bit closer to say, IVE than it is to, say, Weki Meki. 

Personally, I like CIX -- I think the members are talented --  but I don’t love all their songs. However, their song Cinema is so smooth and lovely, it’s like a glass of orange-peach juice for your soul, and that’s in great measure because of their smooth vocals. (Seunghun is the one with the blue hair in that clip, if you want to watch it.) In fact, this is the song I wanted to listen to in the car on the way to the hospital to have surgery a year or two ago when I was feeling pretty scared. My fella said, “This is nice. I like this.” So if you never heard it, give it a chance. I’m looking forward to getting to know Seunghun a bit better and seeing him on a better day.  

Yeo One

Yeo One is 28, and is a lead vocalist for Pentagon. I don’t have to tell you about Pentagon, right? Another excellent group who lost a member and whose popularity has ebbed and flowed. If you watched Boys Planet, you know about Hui, and you know that I like Pentagon a lot! 

Yeo One left Cube Entertainment just a few months ago, in October of 2023, along with several other members of Pentagon, so though Pentagon hasn’t disbanded, their further activities will be a bit tricky. He had a sold-out solo concert recently, and was profiled in Rolling Stone Korea, so he’s doing ok for a recently solo artist. Yeo One is a lead vocalist of Pentagon, not one of their two main vocalist, and on kprofiles, he actually ranks in last place in the popularity poll. He often would be given pretty brief lines in most Pentagon songs. But we will get to know him and get to love him on this show, right, team? 

He performed a ballad for his teaser (V40) and all I wrote in my note to myself is “I hate songs like this so much I almost can’t think straight.” So, instead, I found this little song that apparently he wrote and performed himself -- it’s light and charming. It sounds like a guy sitting by the fire making up a song on guitar and singing it to himself. He’s not a super skilled vocalist from what I’ve heard thus far, not a powerhouse like Hui, but he has a charming vocal color and is just sort of a generally a lovable dude.  

Hwang Inhyuk

Inhyeock / Inhyuk (I’ve seen it transliterated both ways -- both would be 인혁 in Hangul) is 26 and is apparently both a soloist and a member of a vocal group called Unison. Unfortunately, I can’t find anything about them since there’s also a Japanese group called “Unison Square Garden” and when you search “Korean vocal group unison” all you get is information about K-pop songs sung in unison, so…. Yeah. Inhyuk is also a composer and lyricist, and has competed on I Can See Your Voice (I’m not sure which season) and Sing for Gold. 

He was V29 and performed a song called The First Day. Again, my perspective is skewed because it’s another feckin’ ballad and no thank you. The opening section when he’s singing in a soft, almost gruff voice is really charming, though. It’s so different from what you’d expect from his appearance and general demeanor. He has a really distinct vocal color, and I think he should have chosen “unique” rather than “allround.” Once he heads into the chorus, which requires belting some higher notes, his voice falters a bit. I just get that feeling that maybe he can do better than what he showed in this teaser. Maybe he wasn’t warmed up properly, or maybe he had a bit of a cold, something like that. The potential is there and I sense training was involved. I’m going to keep an open mind about him. 

Geonu

Geonu is from Just B and is 22. In addition to going on I-land, he also went on a show called Dancing High, which also featured Seo Won who you may remember from Boys Planet. God, there are so many of these shows. I kind of remember Geonu from I-land, where he did pretty well, making it close to the end. It’s kind of a shame that he didn’t make it into Enhypen since Enhypen is definitely short on vocalists. 

If you want to check out one of Geonu’s previous performances, here he is doing a duet performance of BTS’s Butterfly on I-land with Heesung (who did go on to debut in Enhypen). 

Geonu has gotten a bit better since then; here is his audition for this show, where he was V10. 

His upper mixed register has gotten stronger and a lot less breathy compared to when he was on I-land, but he seems to have developed an unpleasant nasality. Maybe being on this show will spur him to adjust his methodology. He has a really pleasant vocal color and a lot of potential. 

(I discuss Just B in Bain’s write up.) 

Jang Intae

Per my online sleuthing, Intae, age 27, is a singer-songwriter and is one half of the duo 415. (Their group is named for the fact that both members were born on April 15th, 1997.) 415 has put out seven digital singles and performed a few OSTs, but their MVs generally get fewer than 10,000 views. I think his general style and vibe isn’t what I personally look for in a musician -- it’s a bit too “acoustic lite” -- but I bet a lot of people would like what he and his duo partner do, if people gave them a chance. 

His teaser performance, V37, was Missing You by BTOB (a song performed on Girls Planet 999, if it sounds familiar to you -- a member of BTOB is on this show's judging panel). It started off really nasal, but got a bit better as it went along. He strained a bit on the high notes, unfortunately. It wasn’t the best performance, but I’m not going to condemn him for 90 seconds of imperfect singing. I hope that as I see more from him, he gets to show more of what he can do.

Jeong Yoonseo

Jeong Yoonseo is a trainee, and little info is available about him. He’s V32, performing Starlight by Taeil. There are a lot of background vocals -- I think there’s a guide track behind him the whole time! -- so it’s hard to pick out his pure voice. It sounds nice from what I can hear.  That’s kind of all I got! (Side note -- I’ve seen his name listed as Jang, not Jeong, but if you read the hangul, it’s Jeong, so IDK.) 

Hong Seongjun

Seongjun is 24 and is (was?) a member of a group called BDC, a three member group under Brandnew Music that debuted in the latter end of the pandemic, in September 2020. All three members had been on ProduceX 101. Seongun himself was eliminated in 51st place. They put out several comebacks but never really caught on.

On their kprofiles page, it says “On August 18, 2023, BRANDNEW MUSIC officially announced that BDC will end all official promotions as artists under the company on August 26, 2023, after they mutually decided to end their contracts. Thereafter, the group have been active in Japan and have a fan meeting planned in Korea on December 3, 2023.” I’m not sure what to make of that, but it doesn’t sound great obviously. 

I went to check out their M/Vs and remembered that I had actually listened to Moon Rider for a few months there at some point. Pretty decent song, but it got only 3.6 million views. I think it’s just kind of tough for three member groups. 

He was V27 and sang a chipper acoustic little song by 10cm. For me, him having such heavy backup vocals for so much of the song kind of makes me wonder, why would you do that?  It’s the same thing as the situation with Yoonseo. Isn’t the point to show their vocals? That said, this was a pleasant enough performance -- clean and sweet, with decent agility in some of the runs -- but not something I’m dying to listen to over and over. I think he didn’t really understand the assignment and chose something that would be nice to perform with people watching you, instead of something to sing in the dark.

Jeong Inseong

Inseong is 29 and is main vocal of a group called KNK. 

He was V06, performing a song called Letting Go by Day6. I looked it up and this song came out on March 28, 2016 -- just a few weeks after Lim Junhyeok had to leave that group. It being called “Letting Go” is a bit… pointed. Kind of like when f(x) did a song called Four Walls as their first comeback (and last) as a four-member group. Anyway… I really liked this. I just wrote in my notes, “ooh, likey.” This is just so good, I don’t even know how to pick it apart. It’s just a combination of stellar technique and smooth natural vocal color. He does have to go into falsetto to hit a super high note, but he transitions almost instantly. This is good stuff. 

KNK debuted in 2016 as a 5 member group. They left their first agency in 2018 but continued as a group at a new agency, losing one member and gaining a new one. Over the last few years, two more members have quit and one more joined, leaving four in the group as of now. 

Their most recent single, Ride, came out in September 2020 and currently has about 1.7 million views on Youtube. It’s so easy to tell when Inseong is singing -- it’s like when Kihyun sings in MonstaX and you’re just like YES, come THROUGH. I threw Ride on my playlist just so I can hear more Inseong. 

Inseong has been in a bunch of music shows, and also participated in Mixnine, so he may know the other Mixnine contestants, Ma Jaekhyung from Romeo and Donghun from A.C.E. However, he had to withdraw early from the show, so maybe not. 

If you want more Inseong, here’s a fun duet he does with the “Korean Madonna,” Kim Wanseon. 

Taehwan

Taehwan, 30, is the leader and main vocalist of Vanner, and was V13, singing Goodbye by Park Hyo Shin. You probably know by now that I’m not much of a ballad girl, but at least this is sung simply, with a really warm, textured voice. He does sound really pinched on the higher notes, like his throat is closing, and he gets a bit nasal at times, as well. In my opinion, he lacks technique, but has a lot of natural talent. He also has a great smile. 

Vanner is a five member group that debuted in 2019. They had a lot of support as they debuted, and even got significant crowdfunding. They went on Peaktime, as did many other lesser known groups -- and they won! Good for Vanner. Their most recent EP charted very well overseas. Their song Performer, released five months ago, has 8.7 million views on Youtube, and their song Jackpot, released on Jan 30, 2024, already had almost 4 million views at the time of writing, an incredible performance for less than a week. So it looks like Vanner is really starting to take off.

Taehwan may have met Ma Jaekyung, Bitsaeon, and Hong Seongjun when they competed on Peak Time.

Ji Yeonwoo

Yeonwoo is another trainee I just don’t know much about. Apparently he went on a show called Wild Idol, which I haven’t seen. But I do know that his teaser song, V24, Suffer by Charlie Puth, was great. A great combination of a song I actually liked and a voice I really liked. He has great agility, leaping up into falsetto and back down again. He does get a bit pinched sometimes on higher notes, but for whatever reason, it doesn’t bother me. Maybe it’s just I’m so glad it’s not a ballad!

Ok, that’s enough for now. I’ll see you in the next one, when I tackle Team Soul, featuring everyone’s favorite. You know who I mean.

[yurisorcerer]

If anime were appraised solely on their last episodes, Metallic Rouge would be pretty decent, but they aren't, so it isn't.

I'm not going to recap all the various little revelations and plot twists here because honestly who could possibly care? The gist is that the events of the preceding twelve episodes don't truly matter because everything was really just building up to this, a showdown between Rouge and her father figure Dr. Jung, a character who is barely in the show before this point (even in his hooded guise as The Puppetmaster), and who feels ancilliary to much of what the series was trying to do before now.

The actual events of this episode feel very random and I'd almost say fanficky? In isolation it's not a terrible finale but finales of course do not occur in isolation, when taken against the backdrop of everything Metallic Rouge could've been, and indeed *actively tried to be.* The Neans' plight doesn't matter because the entire thing was orchestrated by Doc Jung, which he demonstrates in a long monologue that comes off as trying way, way, wayyyy too hard to make this boring cutout of a Super Intelligent Chessmaster type character seem interesting. If the show had just focused on this from the start instead of interpolating like four unrelated plots along the way, it might've worked a lot better, but it's inherently hard to know.

It would certainly feel less distasteful. I cannot get over the fact that this series treated "serious examination of discrimination and a moral question over the ethics of armed struggle," regardless of its (deeply shitty and unbelievably milquetoast) conclusions, as just another hat it could put on and take off at will. None of it ends up mattering! At the last minute Rouge just decides to free the Neans, because *now* she thinks it's the right thing to do. If we were going to build Rouge up as some kind of liberator and savior it would've had to start many episodes ago, and despite occasional toothless gestures in that direction it, really didn't. I hope fellow tumblr user @naomiortman doesn't mind me digging up the comments they left in the tags of their reblog of my last writeup on this show, because honestly, they're completely correct and get to the heart of the problem of why *this specifically* was a pose that the show should never have attempted to strike if it wasn't going to commit.

The whole thing is just very offputting!

And as for everything *else* the show tries to do, the genre-hopping was occasionally fun when it remembered to not be stupid about it, but that was really only a handful of episodes in hindsight and if someone doesn't feel that that's enough to make up for the show's *many* writing mistakes, I find it very hard to disagree with them.

And then there's the last couple minutes of this episode which....reveal at the end that Clown Robot Girl was secretly a Usurper all along and installed a virus turning all Neans into murderbots, which just completely threatens to saw the legs off what happened mere seconds before, and then it turns out to completely not matter because Gene installed an antivirus beforehand because he knew this would happen somehow? (Gene is a nothing of a character and is another reason this show's writing sucks eggs.) And thus Neans have freedom now, because of a completely unforeshadowed, last-minute minor plot twist that occurred offscreen.

This show is hilarious, and deeply unserious. My friend Sredni (@ihfsttinuf) also pointed out that apparently a bunch of this a wholesale bite of the end of RahXephon? I haven't seen that show so I can't comment, but like, lol. (EDIT: That's apparently by the same guy, by the way! So if anything it's self-plagiarism.)

Just so this entire post doesn't come off like an angry rant, there are a few things that work. Mainly the buildup of real, mutual trust between Rouge and Naomi. (Or maybe I just want it to work because otherwise this show truly does have nothing going for it on the writing side.) At the very least, it's delightfully gay, I like the visual of the two of them together inside Rouge's mindspace. Although even this comes with an icky side effect in that Naomi is now like, functionally dead as her own physical person. IDK man, any time I try to give this show credit for something I find another way in which it could have so easily done better.

Hey, at least they brought the dedicated combat theme back, that's good. And Cyan is right, Rouge's new form does look really cool. (Why did they feel the need to kill Cyan, by the way? You can't both have a shitty central narrative AND kill all your best characters.)

I don't want to come off as though I just completely hate the thing top to bottom. It was entertaining on a week to week basis, but in trying to do so many different things it just kind of does nothing, and I find it really frustrating for that reason. The visual aspect of the show remains compelling (I love the Gladiator designs, seriously), but I could never in good conscience recommend this to someone even if I don't "regret watching it" per se.

What a mess! Glad it's over.

[spaceorphan18]

I have to be honest. I don't like the podcast but it's also very easy to say "you don't like what they say, don't listen to it" Truth is, it's the only podcast for Glee that is done by someone who was in the cast and as I'm only human, I do hope every time that I can hear something akin to what I expect from an official podcast. Also, the frustration comes from one thing you said and that I see happening. They might be not aware of it but by glossing over (this message is going to be split)

some things they are in fact giving certain pairings/characters haters a reason to hate. And they polarize the opinion of the audience, ex, the winner for the contest of the best episode in S2 was, what a coincidence, the episode that Kevin said it was his favourite. Why? Because he said it was his favourite. This is not how it's supposed to be. And since I'm never going there to write them about it the only thing I can do is getting upset on my own hoping to see something change. P.S. Personal opinion take it by what it is, although I never bashed her, I do think Santana was a lot of times a terrible person. In no way someone should be allowed to be so mean to other people (hello?S6 speech to Kurt). She has been terrible from S1 with every possible character, including Brittany when she went to school with her new girlfriend and kissed her after her performance. Naya was amazing in portraying her but Santana bullied a lot of people and was def not an example of goodness.

Hi Nonny! Phew, a lot of things going on here. First of all, though, thank you for being polite in my in box. In general, don't bring wank into my in box because I will go off on you (or delete it). Also, I've had sleep now, so I'm in a much better mind set. You guys get me before bed and I will not be as eloquent.

***

I do hear your guys' frustrations. I do. And it's not like I'm not disappointed, too. I keep going back to The Office Ladies and Pod Meets World podcasts -- where the hosts do a thorough recap and break all the things down. It leads to a very satisfying listening experience. And PMW specifically - the cast breaks down what it was like to be a child actor and the ups and downs of that -- which is honest but really, really open. The thing is, too, they're aware of their audience and how it effects them.

One key difference though -- is while no set is perfect, the experience on The Office and Boy Meets World was, on a whole, much more positive than the set of Glee. The Glee set was a hot mess -- not only were working conditions incredibly rough, but it was run by an egomaniac who didn't know how to handle a bunch of early 20-somethings and things got out of hand. Not to mention - there are three young deaths that tie into the show that does make it more complicated to talk about.

So, while I do think it's a disappointment that Kevin and Jenna are not more (maybe for a lack of better word) professional in how they're coming at this podcast -- I also don't fault them for having a hard time with things because I'm pretty sure there are a lot of hard memories that go along with it. (I'm still unsure, more so Jenna than Kevin, wanted to do the podcast -- but it is what it is I suppose.)

I think it is completely valid to have those frustrations -- especially when there isn't anywhere to direct it. Believe me - when they did Born This Way and did not even mention that Kurt sang As If We Never Said Goodbye -- his best solo and one of his climaxes of his Seasons 1 and 2 stories, it was incredibly frustrating.

But I think downward spiraling (as others have done) into conspiracies and accusations isn't the right way to go. Kevin and Jenna have heard us - and their response is to be mostly indifference about it. Unfortunately, I don't see them planning to change, so I feel like expectations should be adjusted accordingly.

Though - I do think there are polite ways to reach out. Sending an email to their podcast that is kind and explanatory is fine. Screaming that they hate Darren in their mentions is not.

***

I want to highlight one thing you said -- about their influence on things...

As I said before, it is unfortunate that anyone is using Kevin and Jenna's opinions to trash on other fans. That is not cool, and while I really hasn't seen much of it (that is directed from what they say on the podcast and not what people were doing in the first place) I think there's a difference between people being asshats and people being influenced to vote for a fav episode based on what Kevin thinks.

If being in fandom this long -- and if being in sales and selling things to people for so long -- one thing I've learned is that the power of suggestion is a real thing that happens. People are going to go, a lot of times, with group mentality. This person thinks its cool? Okay, I gotta think its cool, too.

I don't expect an audience -- especially the majority of people who are not like me and don't do media analysis on the show -- to really look at what is actually "good" or "bad" artistically (which is somewhat subjective anyway) and come to a "proper" conclusion. They're going to vote on -- oooh Santana sang a song I really like in this episode or -- oohh Klaine makes out whoo! -- or hey, Kevin really likes this episode it must be good. That's just kinda how people are.

These polls really shouldn't invalidate your own feelings on things.

Nor should they give anyone reason to feel they're superior.

They're opinions, and we're all only human. So, in general, let's all not be asshats on the internet. ;)

***

As for Santana -- you know, I was thinking about it as I got up this morning -- I think I want to do a character study on her. Just to kind of explore what I think about the character.

But yes - maybe something that is forgotten a little bit, especially in the tragedy of Naya's passing - is that Santana was originally coded as a villain. And villains don't do very nice things. I mean, she herself said the only straight she is is straight up bitch.

But also -- there is a difference between saying - hey, this character is not doing nice things and -- hey you suck for liking this character. I wish the nature of fandom wasn't this way. You don't have to trash one thing to like another. And you can even say you don't like the thing - that's fine. But attacking people personally is never okay. And as long as I've been in fandoms, it's always been a problem.

Be better guys. And keep on keeping on.

<3 <3 <3

[twinkle-art]

now that you're done endwalker, could you talk a little bit more about andromeda? im curious about what she got up to/how she grew in all that time

YES I’D LOVE TO endwalker was BRUTAL to her. and yet she still pulled through with the indomitable human spirit

Previously On Final Fantasy XIV (Andromeda Elo Version) style recap:

as you can imagine, her obsessive belief that killing zenos would instantly reinstate her as a perfect hero circa. stormblood went… poorly. the brief period when people thought she killed him and not that he killed himself in front of her did make her feel a little crazy

and then she went to the first and that kind of put things in perspective. or more accurately, gave her a fresh new slate for her hero image and an excuse to ignore her previous flop era

there was her whole thing with emet-selch. anyways

on that note, the only real canon deviation i made to shb was that when she’s dying of light poisoning she does, in fact, run off to the tempest by herself with the intention of killing them both. this doesn’t pan out and instead she spends about a week hallucinating in emet-selch’s torment nexus until some very upset scions come get her. i’ve drawn a lot about this. i will likely continue to draw a lot about this

due to a cocktail of deep rooted mental issues and also the fact that he was truly just so miserable, andromeda doesn’t feel… great about putting emet-selch down. but instead of articulating this, because she’s convinced it’s not the “right” reaction, she bottles it up for about 3 patches

…until elidibus plays on her guilt and she receives azem’s crystal as a 1-2 punch. when y’shtola asks the wol after the fact if they’re okay i decided that she immediately bursts into tears

so now we arrive at the end times

there’s really no delicate way to say it but the garlemald arc was probably the worst thing she ever experienced. which is impressive, given her spring break amaurot excursion just happened. 

(i loved it though it might genuinely have my favorite writing in this whole game)

as i’m sure i don’t have to spell out, being treated as a foreign invader in the place she grew up was kind of a lot. she’s incredibly sentimental about her homeland- for as much as she hates it for how it rejected her (and the atrocities) and as much as she never for a second regretted her defection, her feelings towards garlemald are not dissimilar from the way someone might crave the recognition of a family that has only treated them poorly. 

in fact, her traitor’s title of viator was never actually official- zenos referred to her as such, but never made his knowledge of her garlean citizenship public because he dgaf. and yet, despite continuing to exclusively go by elo and hide her origins, she privately referred to herself as viator caecus without much thought, in an act of blinding self-unawareness. (but as her god i know the reason, and it’s that on some level she likes that being branded a Significant Traitor still means being recognized by her former home as Significant)

anyways, speaking of her family: they sure did live in the capital! andromeda is trying really, really hard to be brave and pragmatically carry out her duty as Eorzea’s Champion but like…her mommy lives here :(

in the first of many acts that mean the jig of her supposed eorzean origins is pretty much up, she starts asking everyone they encounter if they’re aware of the whereabouts of a woman named lucretia eir caecus (for ilsabard contingent business, obviously. not because she’s terrified her mom is dead.) without much luck. the twins simply do not have the heart to tell her that this is a hell of a long shot. 

(ONE person doesn’t know where she could be, but they do know of her and muse that the rumors must be true then- that this minor city bureaucrat really did have populares sympathies, if she’s a contact for the eorzeans. this comes as total news to andromeda.)

(also eventually, inevitably this get back around to their intelligence and thancred pulls her aside and grills her until he realizes what’s going on and pivots to Oh My God it’s fine that you miss your mom?! you should have come to us helping you look for her is the least we can do after everything. this is the second time a scion makes her burst into tears.)

putting a pin in that for now. in from the cold was . a lot. i don’t have much to say other than that it felt especially cruel to make her drag herself through the ruins of the city she was raised in while wearing the body of the kind of person who made her life hell. also in general that zenos knew what he was doing when he razed her hometown to the ground to get her attention. fucked up duty btw. her desire to kill him with a rock is back.

after tower of babil/the moon/zodiark i deviate from canon a little bit again- she lets the scions do their mare lamentorum side thing while she goes back to garlemald to see what’s going on. not feeling great about maybe causing the final days.

and then she reunites with her mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (<- part of her narrative that i had planned out as early as heavensward)

i want to draw this scene out in glorious detail but the long and short of it is that lucretia- who lest we forget, knows her way around a gunblade despite living as some military man’s obedient little wife for 25 years- had actually started trailing the ilsabard contingent from a distance once rumors spread that the wol was with them.

see, despite this not being officially public knowledge, she figured out that this “andromeda elo” was her daughter a long, long time ago, and it kind of snapped her out of the two-decade defeatist trance she put herself in for survival. (which is when she got involved in all manner of clandestine anti-state activities- she was rather dangerously close to getting in extremely serious trouble when civil war broke out and everyone kind of stopped caring) 

so she followed them from a distance, falsely assuming that the daughter who ran away wouldn’t want to see her until finally getting caught and dragged in there

also she killed her husband in self-defense. allegedly. he was totally tempered i promise. he had it coming tho.

ANYWAYSSS that’s the chunk of edw i have the most detailed thoughts on. elpis was also incredibly harrowing due to um. her Whole Thing with emet-selch but tbh i haven’t fully digested the back half of the expansion yet because it is DENSE

(i do love it when two characters get one single transcendent moment when they're finally able to both understand each other though it makes me crazy)

two final beats that i think illustrate her mental state going into the finale:

when the final days descended, the number one thing that kept her from falling into despair was her reunion with her mother- while their relationship is far from magically fixed, the simple fact that she regained something she lost after realizing how precious it really was to her made her all the more ferocious about ensuring that she will never, ever give that up again

when zenos makes his final assertion that the two of them are the same, she rejects him- but this is because while it was once true, she has since outgrown that. she has outgrown him. and that’s why he loses.

...also she fucked drusilla at some point while learning reaper

[gatoraid]

Year in Fandom 2023

Seeing people posting their recaps made me look back a little on my own year too. 

2023 marked the year I came back to tumblr with full force after leaving my account mostly unused for abt five years. Twitter was my fandom home for a long time (and for jp language stuff it still is to some extent), but it has become such an awful place I really wanted to have an alternative.

This year I also resumed a lot of fandom activities like writing and reading fanfic, from which I had unintentionally taken an almost three year break from. Finding the joy in writing and sharing it with others after a long time has been really nice, especially since a big part of this year has otherwise felt like a struggle. There were a lot of times when I needed escape or comfort and found that in fiction, fandom or writing.

I also made a conscious effort to lurk less and let artists and creators know how much joy they have brought me. Messaging the translators and authors of my fave stories, reaching out to artists via asks or making the conscious effort to comment on fanfics a lot more than I used to have all made me happier in the process too, so I really want to keep doing that in the new year too.

My biggest fandom obsession in 2023 was definitely The Radiant Emperor book series by Shelley Parker-Chan. Out of the five fics I published this year, three were for this fandom so I think that alone says a lot. I read She Who Became the Sun in March, and when He Who Drowned the World came out in August, I was ready to be blown away and haven’t recovered since. It’s still hard to articulate all the reasons why these books spoke to me so deeply, but I’ll just accept that this is my life now. 

I think I’ve been almost equally blown away by how much fun I’ve had in the Radiant Emperor fandom. It’s been so inspiring to see all the beautiful fanworks and reactions to them from the small but dedicated crowd, and to be able to discuss and build upon each others’ meta and headcanons. Whether we’re mutuals or have exchanged thoughts via comments, tags or dm’s, I really look forward to obsessing over these books and characters together in 2024 too!

Shoutout to the other fandom-related things that also kept me sane in 2023: Loumand Paris romance, all the fics I read about Lee Yut-Lung, and playing and analyzing Love Shore.

[measureyourlifeincake]

Malevolent E9 (not specifically about that ep but yknow. i havent listened past it so if anything i say is contradicted by anything in later eps, that's why): Been thinking about how Malevolent's story is so defined by the constraints of its creation and the problem-solving used to get around that (I mean, I suppose the same can be said to some degree for nearly any piece of art, but it really jumps out for me here).

The first and most obvious example is Arthur's blindness, with John "acting as his eyes" by describing their surroundings for him (and the audience)—it's (to me at least) clearly contrived as a way to get around the "This Gun In My Right Hand Is Loaded" problem, but it also is kind of the main conceit of the plot, and immediately defines John and Arthur's relationship—Arthur has to rely upon John from the jump, even though he has no real proof of his intentions or trustworthiness. "I have your eyes," John says, a threat as much as it is a fact. All John has to do to harm Arthur is stop talking and watch him blunder around without his help (which he does do eventually, but the threat hanging over his head is, at least initially, enough to convince Arthur to cooperate with him). It's an interesting tool for the audience to understand what is going on at any given point of the story, but also, it has real actual consequences in the story that reverberate through the narrative.

(putting the rest under the cut bc this got Long)

There's also the fact that John and Arthur are constantly recapping what has happened and laying out what all their options and potential consequences of said options are going forward. To me, this (as well as the above) feels like the author's main goal is to make sure the audience is clear on Exactly what is going on At All Times. The episodes only come out once a month, after all, and it could be hard to remember what happened in the last episode if you haven't revisited it since then (also I am just now realizing that this is sort of paralleled with Arthur's month-long coma). There's also the thing about how apparently Patreon supporters can influence where the story goes, and I'm not entirely sure how that works, but it gives Guthrie another incentive to make sure the audience has all the possible options laid out for them.

But, while I do think this is done mainly for the audience's benefit, it does also tell us a lot about Arthur and John's characters/relationship. It says that, despite any differences of opinion or questions of trust they may have—they do view whatever they have together (which I have been told... changes over time, but for right now I'm just talking about their relationship up until where I've listened) as an actual partnership—they want to make sure they are on the same page, or at least understand what the other is thinking. They may disagree on the correct course of action, but Arthur pretty much always tells John what he's doing instead of trying to get one over on him. Also, since they do try to reason out everything they do, and Arthur keeps charging into risky situations ass-first anyway, it tells us that Arthur sees himself as a very intelligent and rational man, when really he just seems to be very good at justifying whatever stupid decisions he might make in the pursuit of Knowledge.

And then there's uh. Women. (I sorta mentioned this in a different post but I can't stop turning it around in my brain)

So it seems that Harlan Guthrie a) has decided to not hire any voice actors and just voice every character himself, and b) doesn't seem to believe himself capable of convincingly voicing a female character (or just doesn't want to. idk).

This doesn't mean that there aren't any women or girls in Malevolent—on the contrary, the podcast is full of them. They are all either old crones or daughters—crazy old women and wraiths and babies and missing girls and missing girls and dead missing girls. They cry, they wheeze, they laugh, they write letters to close friends (but of course, their friends are not there to read the letters), but they can never speak for themselves, in their own voices. They must be dead, or wordless, or both.

They haunt the narrative, and haunt the narrative, and haunt the narrative. They are metaphysically incapable of doing anything else. They can save Arthur's life, help guide his way, but they can never have a simple conversation with him. Obviously Arthur had to be in a coma for just long enough that Amanda/Sarah died before he could talk to her. It couldn't ever have gone any other way—the world doesn't work like that.

And then there's Arthur's daughter. She's dead. It hasn't been explicitly stated yet at the point I'm at (she's mentioned for the first time at the end of E9), but it's pretty obvious. Not only did he mention her name first when he was literally dying, but just. Of course she is. There's no chance she isn't, that maybe Arthur thinks she's dead but really something else has happened to her—all daughters are dead. That's just how it works. (except for that one baby, I suppose. The baby is interesting—I notice they explicitly refer to her as female when I don't think they had a way to know that*. She just Is a girl, she has to be. She needs protecting, therefore she is a Daughter, plain and simple).

And learning that Arthur has (had) a daughter has caused me to look at the rest of the girls in this podcast differently (and is honestly a big reason why I wanted to write this post in the first place.) Those missing-turned-dead girls, the baby, all those young girls haunting the narrative—they're all his daughter, naturally. (not literally but y'know, meta-narratively or whatever) They're not just haunting the narrative, but haunting him specifically.

Anyway, girls haunting horror stories and fridged women and whatever other tropes that keep women from fully participating in stories are nothing new, obviously (and I imagine that Guthrie is very intentional when he invokes those tropes—this whole thing is a big ol' nod to Lovecraft, there's no way this guy is doing horror tropes by accident), but the fact that it seems to be like that mostly because Guthrie just Didn't Want to Hire An Actor makes it way more interesting to me.

I'm sure most (if not all) of this has been discussed in the fandom already, but I haven't read any meta or anything yet and I just wanted to get my thoughts down. Honestly, part of why I made this post is that I feel like I can clearly see what Guthrie was going for in how he built this story (/is building this story) and how it works within the world of the characters, but I'm still trying to puzzle out how I personally feel about the choices he made. (ex: do I appreciate how clear he makes things for the listener or do i feel like my hand is being held to much and i'm not being trusted to understand what's going on? if the latter, is it integrated into the story well enough for me to forgive it?) Writing this has... not actually helped much. I'll let you know if I figure it out.

*Okay I went back to the transcript, and it seems they start using she/her pronouns for the baby as soon as the old woman gives her to them. I assumed that the baby was wearing clothes or swaddled in a blanket the whole time, but I don't think this is ever explicitly stated, so it's possible it could've been clear once John was able to get a close enough look at her. Still, this is very much glossed over. Which, granted, it would be weird if they took a moment in the text to like, look at the baby's genitals, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[ribbonverse]

Chapter 1

Notes on chapter 1, as well as some ranting about Bleach.

I thought it would be pretty natural to start with Ichigo, though I'm not sure I actually wrote any of the stuff in this chapter first.

In hindsight, I feel like it might be a bit long-winded or info-dumpy, but I really can't be asked to change it now. I've always disliked the "recap" chapters at the beginning of books that are part of a series, but here I am writing one myself.

It's basically a bunch of thoughts of Ichigo's I wrote down and later expanded upon. I thought it was pretty interesting to see the events in Soul Society from Ichigo's perspective. It's not really something a reader/viewer gets a chance to do during the actual process of reading/watching Bleach, and there's especially no time for any of that in canon, which just launches into throwing more bad guys at him instantly without giving him or the viewer time to think.

In a very real way, Ichigo failed to save Rukia in the end. He did help with stopping the official execution, but when Aizen had extracted the One Ring from Rukia after Urahara used her as a magical Tupperware container and Gin was going to finish her off, it was Byakuya who saved Rukia in the end. A very impactful moment for the audience, but where was Ichigo while all this was going down? That's right, helplessly lying on the ground after Aizen almost cut him in half. feelsbadman.jpg

After all that, he wouldn't be feeling all that powerful, I think.

Looking at the whole Soul Society arc in hindsight, it was basically a suicide mission as far as Ichigo is concerned. He never really had much of a chance to save Rukia by himself or with the help of the small group of people who accompanied him. It took a combination of people from Soul Society independently working towards saving Rukia to actually make it a realistic possibility, and none of that was collectively planned or known about by Ichigo beforehand. He just had to go with it.

So in the end, Ichigo almost got killed multiple times, went through training hell, and corrupted his soul in order to save Rukia, and he didn't make as much of a difference as he'd probably hoped. Even in his fight with Byakuya, had Ichigo only relied on his own (and Zangetsu's) power, he would've died.

Not a great place to leave off for Ichigo. Even though Rukia still lives, he still lost her in a way. And for Plot Reasons, he's basically not a Shinigami anymore, giving him time to think. Probably too much time.

I basically began by writing down things Ichigo would be thinking after not seeing Rukia for a long time. They spent two months together, but neither of them were in a particularly good place for most of that time, and it's hard taking an interest when you're stressed and overworked. Not to mention the awkward living arrangements.

I thought the part about the Hollow was genius, but as per usual, right after writing it I realized I just stole the idea from Order of the Phoenix.

I did want Ichigo's Hollow problem to be solved though, or at least out of the way, and I thought this was a nice method of doing it that also encapsulated a lot of Ichigo's character as I would have wanted him to develop post-Soul Society.

The Hollow could've been an interesting part of canon in Bleach, but instead it was completely wasted. Remember how Ichigo defeats it in canonically? Instead of the power of love, it's literally about finding his instinct to fight people and to murder the fuck out of them using his power. A power he originally acquired in order to save someone very dear to him.

Ichigo's family runs a clinic btw. How very in-character of him to do a complete 180 from a deeply humane person who only fights to protect the people he cares about into someone who actively seeks out battle.

Thanks, inner hallucination of Kenpachi. Now we have a budget version of you running around as the main character.

This actually encapsulates the dramatic shift in tone post-Soul Society. You can almost see the author wagging his finger at the characters. "No thinky-thinky, no lovey-lovey. Only fighty-fighty."

I think that was ultimately the downfall of Bleach. It became a series purely about fighting. In such a universe, love can't be allowed to exist, it must be stamped out so that fighting can happen.

It's a sad inversion of what the series was prior to the end of the Soul Society arc, in which Ichigo sacrificing so much to save Rukia communicated his feelings much more effectively than words ever could.

I never liked the canon continuity where fear basically became Ichigo's permanent emotional state and everyone's running around with Halloween masks on and pulling powers out of their asses, thinking they're hot shit. It had this air of "the author thinks this is cool, so instead of convincing you by developing the world and the characters and actually building towards impactful moments, you must accept without question that this is cool."

You know what I see in my mind whenever I look at one of those supposedly cool Hollow masks on a Bleach character? A fat otaku/Redditor guy with a fedora and a katana. That's what post-Soul Society Bleach feels like for me.

teleports behind you "Nothing personnel, kid"

It became kinda like bad fanfiction, except that it's the actual canon. A very sad state of affairs, and a waste of so many interesting and beloved characters.

I mean for God's sake, Ichigo went to the literal afterlife and basically fought deities one-on-one in order to save someone very dear to him. Even the ancient Greeks knew you only something like that when it's about love. Ichigo is basically Orpheus saving Eurydice, even the part about the girl staying in the afterlife after the mission was over is the same. The parallells are significant.

Even though the mission wasn't strictly speaking a success (since Ichigo and the others were just inconveniences in someone's suspiciously well-laid plans), you'd think that would give a guy some self-confidence or allow him to grow as a person. But we can't have that happen in canon, because fighting must continue immediately no matter the cost. Get in the arena, you have people to entertain!

A lot of things were left by the wayside in canon, such as the fact that in the very first chapter/episode, Ichigo is trying to help spirits move on, even though he doesn't have the power or know-how to do it successfully. There's something very sad about bringing flowers to a dead girl being the only thing he can really do, when what's actually needed is a Shinigami.

That and his family running a clinic speaks of a deep humanism within Ichigo that was never really in focus after the first story arc. From this perspective, how Rukia changed his life would've been even more fundamental and meaningful to him than what was explicitly communicated in canon.

In terms of the timeline, of course the canon characters don't get to develop in any meaningful way. They never get a moment to think or live a somewhat normal life. This "war" with Aizen begins just two weeks after he got his hands on the One Ring the MacGuffin that's supposed to make him a literal god. That was convenient, wasn't it? Just in time to stop our characters from growing as people.

If the series had kept with the Ye Olde Japan theme of Soul Society, a proper mobilization of forces and fighting an entire war would've taken a long time, with a lot of planning required. This part was very consciously inspired by The Belgariad.

I don't really have an interest in trying to make that a central point or something that even needs to be resolved, but I think a slow preparation for a conflict makes for a much more interesting environment to set things in than trying to shoehorn stuff within the actual canon. And while Aizen's reveal as the villain was a bit much too mustache-twirling-villain-esque to me, his Shikai is extremely intimidating, both on a personal and societal level.

I originally intended to use Soul Society having to deal with the consequences of Aizen's power as a backdrop, but it never came to be. Soul Society systematically going through its history looking for anything suspicious, like drastically conflicting reports of the same event, and digging into it to see if Aizen had hypnotized someone would've been interesting.

Come to think of it, Aizen not even dying after all the shit he pulled was the ultimate cockblock. Just goes to show how things can never be resolved in Bleach, because The Fighting Must Continue and Aizen will get out prison eventually. Imagine if Harry Potter had ended with Voldermort being escorted to Wizard Jail after being sentenced to five million years of imprisonment. Just thinking about that makes me laugh out loud. But in Bleach it actually happened.

A word on the Spirit suppressors, or "Reiatsuppressors" as I dubbed them in my own notes. For a plot point that I decided not to go with in the end, I needed an excuse for the sensing of Spiritual power not be a thing in Karakura Town. The Suppressors ended up serving a somewhat similar purpose, and their in-universe justification ended up remaining the same.

For anyone curious, the plot point that never came to be was Rukia coming to visit Karakura Town but being too afraid to visit Ichigo. Having mastered the technique of visualizing Spiritual energy as Spirit Ribbons, she decides to make sure that at least his Spiritual power is there. The idea was that an advanced technique like Spirit Ribbons was able to bypass the interference from Reiatsuppressors.

The thing that was going to urge Rukia to go to Ichigo was her noticing that his Spirit Ribbon was a different color than a Shinigami's should be and not knowing why. The color of Spirit Ribbons was going to be significant in that the color of the Ribbon of someone who is Very Special to you was going to be the color you think is most beautiful. Your favorite color, basically. Probably subconsciously inspired by the scent of a love potion in Harry Potter, as I once again only realized after writing down the idea.

That ended up not being a thing, but maybe I can use that somewhere else. Or someone else can take the idea.

Something was also planted at the very beginning of the chapter. I've always wanted to "plant" something that comes up later, so here was my chance.

[citrusbusiness]

HEY! For no reason at all, due to no post at all, completely unrelated to anything at all ever. Tell me about Space.

Ah yes absolutely no reason at all I'm sure. Not a single one.

I will preface this first by saying that I'm not actually an official expert on the subject, i’m just a little guy and I think space is cool. Nevertheless, I had a lot of fun writing this little rant so thank you so much I love you. Second, looking at this this is a rant about a very specific thing that space does (redshift) and likely not what you were expecting, but I'm happy to provide a more... standard space rant if it is desired!

Obligatory long, post warning!

We know the universe is really big, and we know it’s getting bigger. In it we have the Local Group, which is the group of galaxies which are gravitationally bound to ours. That means they’re close enough to us that the gravity attracting them to us is stronger than the force expanding the universe. But other than those guys, all of the galaxies in the universe are moving away from us.

One of the really cool things that happens because of that is redshift, where the light waves of far away objects get stretched out and appear more red. (The opposite of this also happens its called blueshift) To recap how the light spectrum works, to our eyes, longer, lower energy waves appear redder and shorter ones more purple. Eventually the waves get so small or so big that they don’t appear as visible colors anymore, and then you get things like ultraviolet and x-ray or infrared and radio waves.

There was a while where I knew redshift was a thing but didn’t really understand why it happened. I think that was because I was thinking of the light as a wave when in reality, light has properties of both waves and particles because its weird like that, and particles make more sense in this scenario. Now I like to think about it like this:

Imagine there’s a machine that drops marbles down a ramp at a steady rate, like one per second or something. The marbles all travel at the same speed in the same direction, a certain distance apart. But if that machine starts going in the opposite direction, then the distance between marbles is the distance created by them rolling for 1 second, plus the distance the machine travels in the other direction in that second. There is more space between each marble.

We now translate this logic into electromagnetic wave land, thinking of the path of the marbles as a wave rather than a straight line and adding a lot more marbles. If we look at the individual particles then the points would make a more stretched out wave pattern because the distance between them is bigger.

That was a huge explanation that might not actually make sense to anyone but me but in summary, when something moves away from us, the light gets more red. This is one reason why it’s so hard for us to see far away objects. Their light has gotten stretched out all the way into infrared, which we can’t see. This is why the James Webb Space Telescope has been so useful; its a very powerful telescope that specializes in infrared. With that power it’s discovered some of the farthest objects we’ve ever seen.

Thank you to you, yes you, for reading my silly rant and double thanks if you user is mickemz01 for sending me this ask!

[summerspn]

Arrested Development

(Series)

Very minor spoilers- no plots mentioned…

I finally finished the series!

When the show first aired I saw a couple episodes but due to my hectic life I didn’t watch more than that. I always thought it was really funny though.

All the characters amuse me but my favourites were/are Gob & Michael.

I’ve meant to watch the series when it came on Netflix for years but I apparently completely forgot about it.

Recently I came across it so I binged the whole series.

As expected I found it hilarious!

For those that aren’t aware, the series aired originally on tv (Fox station). And the network does what it always does and cancelled a great series too soon. It aired on tv from 2002-2006.

Then Netflix picked it up years later from 2018-2019.

I appreciate the commitment of the actors, cast & crew. 99% of the original cast returned & there were a ton of cameos.

I think they did a decent job overall of the second half. I liked some of the meta jokes & the show was still amusing.

However, the second half was very different:

1. There was way too much recapping. In the first hand that aired on tv there was some but it was more like a quick few seconds at the start or a randomly thrown in reminder of what happened previously. Ie) when Michael says he won’t come back the voiceover says something like ‘he did come back as he always does’ and threw in a 5 second clip.

In the continuation it’s like a full minute or so of recap at the beginning of each episode. That actually started to get on my nerves.

2. The episode length is slightly shorter. I think most episodes in the first 3 seasons were between 25-27 minutes with a couple being around 30. In the second half of the series each episode is about 21 minutes… including the recap at the beginning. I think it did influence the quality of the episodes a little.

3. I feel like the writers had no idea what to do with the second half of the series. Though, it also felt like some of the actors were coming and going a lot so maybe the writers just had a hard time working with their schedules? In any case, the writing wasn’t as good. Still entertaining though, it just felt different.

4. It may sound stupid and an overreaction but I hated what they did to one of the characters in the final episode. It made me cringe & sort of slink into my seat. I felt cheated & little uncomfortable. It was clearly done to get a reaction but at the same time, that is not the reaction they should’ve gone for… it changed the entire tone if the series.

5. The lack of character development I think was a disservice. I get it’s supposed to be ‘arrested development’ but the series could’ve ended with some development. While I wouldn’t expect a full 180 of its characters, I think the lack of growth had me bored. I think Michael, George Michael & Gob had the most growth which is one of the reasons I liked most of their storylines in the continuation. The other characters had me a little bored.

Though having a secondary character like Barry Zuckerkorn being the same old ridiculous person actually worked because he wasn’t a main character.

I was a little bummed that Liza Minnelli wasn’t in the continuation but the show did a good job of still trying to include her.

I don’t want to spoil anything for people who haven’t watched yet but I’ll just say that the storyline for Lindsey was really short & went in a weird direction.

Tobias was always weird but I had hoped for him to get a clue by the end. He didn’t.

Buster, sometimes amusing & sometimes just awkward. I don’t even know what to say.

George & Oscar, I was pretty indifferent to them in the second half.

Lucille Bluth, while she was still in character I just didn’t like that of all things to do with her, they chose that? It felt like a waste of talent. Not terrible just not good either.

Maeby - sorry but I thought her storyline was really bad. In the first part of the series I thought her character had an amusing glib attitude & sass. The continuation just had me wondering how her storylines made it past the brainstorming stage. I’m glad the actress returned but it was just…so weird.

George Michael - I’m glad we got see him in a different element & changing up the dynamic a little. But somehow it felt like things were dragging a little plot wise. I think they could’ve had the 2 seasons in 1 then a separate plot for the final season.

Michael - I also feel like they could’ve condensed things into 1 season for him then write another plot for season 5. As always he was amusing. I like that one of his major flaws is that he doesn’t listen to his son while also trying to be a great dad. So everything felt pretty in character. For the most part. But there was still more they could’ve given Jason Bateman to work with.

He’s a great actor with a lot of range so it sort of felt like waste.

Gob - though ridiculous I like most if what they did with his character except I think the finale should’ve just pushed his platonic friendship a little more. And yes because I feel bad for fictional characters I did want to see him better his relationship with a certain family member…

Now I gotta say it…what is with all the incest?

Seriously. The first season, I thought the crush was funny. But it ended quickly and just felt icky.

Then it’s brought up over and over again. Then another character flirts with a relative… actually a new character does this with a relative as well in the continuation. A few one off jokes here and there too.

And they bring in Jason Bateman’s sister Justine for an episode & characters make implications about them… she does some flirting too. Thank god (spoiler) they don’t get physical. But seriously I was already cringing in that episode.

Then, all the mother-son comments in the continuation. Maybe it’s just me but felt like a different tone compared to the first half of the series.

The writers could’ve come up with better jokes instead. The constant incestuous comments just felt lazy after awhile, not to mention they stopped being funny.

All of that said, the series is amusing & fun…if you skip the finale. Tbh that episode kind of ruined the series for me.

But again I do appreciate the actors, crew etc came back to try to finish the series properly.

It is worth a watch.

Since there’s too many actors to go in depth on their other work I’ll just mention my two favourites & you can check IMDB fir the rest:

Jason Bateman (who plays Michael) , is amazing in the series Ozark, and is amusing in Game Night (2018), Office Christmas Party (2016), Horrible Bosses 1 & 2 (2011 & 2014) etc . He’s supposed to be in the Clue reboot so I’m excited to see what he does with that.

&

Will Arnett (who plays Gob Bluth), honestly I haven’t seen a lot of what he’s been in yet but so far I like him in everything. He was really funny in Murderville (2022), Blades of Glory (2006), and Up All Night (2011-2012) which I thought was hilarious.

[ladyazulina]

Azu is Talking - Quickly Passing By

I can’t believe how busy I have been this week.

After the first post that started all this, I found it easier for my mental health that, instead of sitting down on Sunday to write all this recap, having to go through my calendars to try to remember what I did, how, and when, I would just slip a little daily update if my schedule lets me. Not even religiously daily, every two days also have worked.

It didn’t this week.

I was finally able to sit down to do something of the like without feeling rushed or breathless for the first time on Thursday. Almost the whole week passed already. And that annoyed me and overwhelmed me in equal parts.

You may not understand. I’m not used to being busy. Having to cancel stuff or reschedule or just right away forgetting something that was on my mind but not on my task list yet is a new experience. Until really recently, I spent most of my time idling by, roleplaying, or waiting for my turn to roleplay. Even before my life drastically changed, I was just starting to feel the need for more time to do my stuff, but not in this way.

Thematically categorizing my days is really doing things…

There is something I don’t like about it though. If I miss one day for whatever reason, I will have to wait until the next week to continue. Yeah, that may help me to organize myself, locate what is priority, and how to plan the way to tackle it, but it slightly annoys me. When I have power outages, for example, which happened A LOT this week alone.

There’s nothing I can realistically do about that, I’m aware of it, but it doesn’t make it less bothersome.

Also, just until now I have been religiously tackling my thematic tasks first, even though I may have tasks outside of it that are more… priority, like my [REDACTED] adventure and the editing projects I’m into. So far I have been starting the day with one small part to edit those projects, passing then to the thematic tasks, but once the dynamic fell through one day, I just continued with my previous order by inertia. And the power outages are a great help to throw me out of my carefully crafted routine.

I started the week great, for once, still volunteering at Actual Plays and charity events because it feels good, hoping to be able to participate in future opportunities. I also took some space last week to reorganize stuff on my Tumblr; you can take a look if you’re interested, I’ll do my best to keep it up to date.

I’ve been making swift progress with the ARC I’m currently reading, for small times, which is unlike me, I used to read a minimum of an hour, but I’m trying to not turn that precious reading moment into a chore. It has been fun, even though I’m slightly sad I haven’t felt great enough to write down my thought process during the reading; it’s something I have been wanting to implement for my Patreon, but that is something that could turn reading into a chore pretty quickly…

So, on Creative Monday, it took me some time to settle back into my game, but I did not continue with what I’m missing to end it. I’m still half-stuck, and blank, and not completely sure about how I will go through it, but in the meantime, I’m creating the lore around the game (really important, at least to me). In the amount of time I didn’t have power during a power outage on Tuesday, I satisfied the urgent need to draw a map. It’s the very second I have made so far, so I’m not that good at it, but I’m interested in learning. After deciding all my stories will share the same universe (the Azuverse 💙✨), my subconscious has been hard at work. The map is from the game age (some way back in the past), so I still have to ponder what it looks like in the present time of my novels, but details of those appeared during the drawing session. I was heavily creative during a big part of Tuesday, which is an example of states not being closely tied to their thematic days. I mean, of course.

On Review Tuesday, after easing out of the creative state, I went right to work.

Read last week’s review, Upon a Waking Dream.

In between posting last week’s and this week’s reviews, I scheduled a Linney’s campaign post. I wanted to do this twice to be a full month ahead but, to start with, I ended pretty late and was growing pretty fed up and done with things.

There’s nothing like getting angsty to spice things up.

The power outage and the unplanned creative session threw me out of my flow, so everything else was a bit uncomfortable. I was glad and grateful enough that I got myself “up to date” with the reviews—not that there is someone else but me pressuring me this way. I could have kept it only one per week, real-life stuff will always happen and interrupt and not because of that I have to drag myself through the floor…

Read this week’s review, A Rival Most Vial.

But… I guess I wanted to show myself something, I don’t know. I have to learn to be flexible enough with myself as well. Nothing is set in stone. If there is something that can’t happen for any reason, I should be able to reschedule it, move it to another day, or just right away take it down until the next week, without the added weight of also having to accomplish that next week’s task.

I’m still learning. Every day is a new lesson.

Iron Valley, Linney's Campaign, is being live every Tuesday.

I’m about to finish scheduling everything I have on Linney’s campaign and soon will start putting into the schedule my personal campaign on Iron Valley. The first day with Linney is not finished yet, and I may or may not be up to continue playing there, it’s something to look at later on. I would love to just because of Chase—have you met him yet?

On Working Wednesday, I had an Outside World Adventure ✨ (I should get back to those…) I mean, I already let you know I’m trying to get my passport, so I had to go out in an attempt to convince my sister with food to go put the money in her bank account ‘cause I still don’t have one so I can pay for the passport procedure. And we did it! I’m still fighting to get the photos done, something I thought I had but they (the site’s staff) aren’t satisfied with the ones I had at ready, so I need new photos. This has brought me so much stress and anger, I barely recognize myself (a lot of family drama and issues as well with which I will probably bore you some other week).

I did work on my thematic task: translating the second workshop. That was everything I was able to do, tired and mentally exhausted, so I’m expecting to be able to upload the workshops for real this time next week. I will be opening Patreon tiers that will work as groups for one-on-one writing coaching, to accompany you during your writing process. It will be fun, but I’m still thinking if the slots should be fewer than I thought at first, so I can get accustomed to it without getting overwhelmed, and expect to increase them with time. More on this next week, hopefully 🤞🏼

Also, with my partner, we started taking ASL classes. I’ve been trying to learn for years, but without someone to practice with, it’s hard to keep the knowledge. Due to my hearing loss, and some other stuff, I’m really interested, to the point of turning ASL into my main language. A long way to go, but I have to start somewhere, and we just did! So exciting! (This one is a very widely known sign, do you know what it means? 🤟🏼)

On Backstage Thursday, I spent a lot of time going back and forth with the passport site’s staff, but I reached a compromise. After getting mad like three times in a row (just when I got to relax, something –or someone– threw me back into the anger fit again… there was no respite). If I don’t get the new photos on Monday, taking advantage I have to go out for college, I should be exclusively going to a studio on Tuesday—of course, all that if my partner doesn’t convince me to try his method today, he’s keener to finish with this than me. I would have tried it earlier if I hadn’t been that mad. I need to get out of that headspace without it backfiring each time I think about it to be able to progress on it. I needed to take it out of my mind for a few days.

The power outage that day was less felt because I needed to cool down, which was easier to do offline. However, when it was back, and after the fourth anger fit, I went to work on my task. I wanted to do more stuff (get into the [REDACTED] adventure for once, not much time left and still lots to do), but time hasn’t been on my side. The power neither. I believe that with a little bit of priority organization, my current routine will be a blast. I just need to reel myself in. Yeah, easy. Peachy.

Secret Friday, though, was… a weird day. For a great part of it, I felt like I was drowning without a clear reason as to why. I’m grateful I have people I can talk with about whatever, but the timing wasn’t right—they were all busy with something or in such a good mood for me to bring them down. I know my people would rather know than be kept in the dark while I’m suffering, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it, so I drowned for a while.

Working on the secret stuff was hard ‘cause it’s an emotional activity and I was definitely in the wrong mood. I didn’t want to ruin it because of it but, at the same time, I didn’t want to miss it. Not much time is left for both finishing that particular thing and the day in question, it wasn’t the time to skip it. But neither was the correct feeling.

I got to topple it over, fortunately. I finished this week’s section feeling somewhat satisfied (I can always –and I will– check it out next week to confirm it), and when people went back into my orbit, I wasn’t so mood-driven. (Things are still bothering me, though, but I can’t say what it was that upset me, as if I don’t know how to even phrase it to start with. So I don’t feel like I can even talk about it… yet? Anymore? I guess I will see.)

I hurt myself during the coffee break though, which wasn’t fun. I’m wearing a burnt mark in a sensible and uncomfortable place (my breast, don’t- don’t ask about it) and the only thing I can do is just deal with it. I swear I’m trying to be careful, but stuff just goes out of hand. I’m not a particularly lucky girl anyway. But, after spending a small amount of time with my partner, I got to progress something with the [REDACTED] adventure.

I still have a way to go, but the word count is looking good. I’m not confident I will reach it with everything I had before, but I still haven’t finished accommodating things to even throw an estimate. It’s sounding nice and smooth, which is the goal, so I’m content with the small progress.

(I’m more than content with the sweet time I shared with my partner right before going to sleep—the sort of stuff I want to follow more often, not only with my partner but also with everyone else I love.)

Playful Saturday was playful but not in the way I had expected. As the week went by with less time to juggle extra things, I couldn’t find a space to write to the solo game’s creator and let them know my (excited) thoughts. This day was the day for it, but it went by as the usual weekends used to go.

I didn’t even get to read in the morning, less so do a small edit. I spent time with my partner though, and my lovely friends. I went to sit next to my mom for a while, and occasionally do chores. I wrote something that sparked out of nowhere about one of my novel projects and spent some time musing and worldbuilding. Before I was able to notice, it was already getting dark and I hadn’t started any of the day’s tasks.

There is not much use in crying over spilled milk. I guess I needed the breaks more than I could comprehend. So I took them without fighting. I’m a firm believer that everything falls into place as time goes by and that if something doesn’t feel like fitting it’s because that is not its place yet. It’s hard to know where it goes then, but you shouldn’t have to fight that much for it. It just fits like a puzzle piece. So I’m not fighting. I still have the tasks in the schedule, getting to them it’s just a matter of time.

[boysplanetrecaps]

Boys Planet, Episode 7 Recap Part 5: Feel Special

Ok, well, I know some of you were waiting for this recap of the trainees’ cover of Feel Special by Twice… Here it is! Warning: I spend a few paragraphs talking about why I love the original song so much. But you can skip that if you’re not interested. 

I watched this whole segment before I started writing this recap, and honestly, I’m not so psyched to talk about it. It was just kind of a bummer. Part of it is because I love the original song, like, a lot. A lot a lot.

Just give me a minute here to gush about Feel Special, or if you don’t care, go ahead and skip the next few paragraphs. 

Both the lyrics and the video for Feel Special tell the story of how the friendship between the girls gives them strength to overcome the way the public views them. Jihyo is being “watched” by TVs, possibly representing how she’s in the public eye (maybe for dating someone?). Nayeon is in this cold, hard room all by herself, in this beautiful but uncomfortable outfit, maybe symbolizing the weight and coldness of being so popular. Momo feels “too big” and out of place. Jeongyeon is all alone and doubting herself. Sana feels abandoned, out in the rain, maybe a reference to when the Korean population turned on her for something innocuous she did. Mina is a sort of ice princess in an alien forest, Chaeyoung is this super modern chick in a lonely modern dome, and Tzuyu feels like just a doll.  (Dahyun is fine. Dahyun doesn’t have a problem.) 

And what happens? They SEE each other. They connect. Jihyo and Nayeon see each other. Mina and Chae rescue each other. Momo and Tzuyu find each other. Dahyun saves Sana. And Jeongyeon sees herself in a new light, as someone who can have friends after all.

This look that Chae gives Mina -- I tear up every time. If you know that Mina had just taken some time off for extreme anxiety, and if you know that this look is real, genuine look that Chae was really giving Mina -- it’s beyond touching. I never saw Chae look like that before or since in a Twice video.

So the song gives me all the feels. It also sort of reminds me of the time toward the beginning of my current relationship when I realized that someone might actually really love me and how amazing that was, like a fucking miracle. So yeah, I tear up pretty much every time I hear this song. I don’t want to lose that, you know? I like tearing up every time I hear it. It’s a happy kind of tears. I know it’s a dumb kpop song but it’s not a dumb kpop song to me. 

Because of that, I don’t want to spend too long on this performance because I don’t want to ruin the song for myself. Ok. Let’s do this. 

As a reminder, our special feelers are: 

Trainee name (rank)   Star Level test /Challenge 1 /age final star level

Cha Woong Ki (25) Bloom Bloom /Very Nice - K/ 20 ⭐⭐

Zhang Shuai Bo (36) Reveal /Back Door - G/ 21 ⭐

Lee Dong Gun (48) Criminal /Hot Sauce - K / 17 ⭐⭐

Cai Jin Xin (50) Reveal /Hot Sauce - G/ 19 🚫

When we first saw them in episode 6, they were looking at each other like this, and Cai Jin Xin was saying, “I love our team,” and we were all excited for it! But a shadow loomed on the horizon, as no one seemed to want to take on a big vocal part.

So, we pick up with the team at rehearsal with the judges. 

And Zhang Shuai Bo, who up until this segment I’ve liked for no real reason, is being a passive aggressive sulky child. He’s half-assing the choreo in a really, really obvious way and pouting. 

I do not like this. 

Look, I fight so hard to not be swayed by MNET editing, but I don’t know how MNET editing could create this impression falsely. Maybe other trainees are also doing this and MNET isn’t showing it, but I can only judge what I see. If you’re unhappy, Z-Bo, then do something about it or suck it up. This passive aggressive “quiet quitting” thing ain’t it. 

I loved that Solji just stopped the rehearsal.

And then we’re reminded that this is apparently Z-Bo’s favorite song, which just makes all of this even worse. You chose this song for the wrong reasons, that’s on you, bud. But shouldn’t it be at least kind of fun performing your favorite song, no matter what? Man, if I had a chance to do a semi-pro cover of like, Automatic by Red Velvet, or The Eve by Exo, or Feel Special by Twice, with someone to teach me the choreo and let me sing it to people who are excited to be my audience? I mean, scary, but fun! 

I just keep thinking about Xuan Hao, the initially white haired center of the G-trainees’ Burn It Up team, the one who fucking werked that pink feather boa during the prank bit? You might also remember the way he collapsed into his chair to cry after his whole team was eliminated, and how MNET then dangled salvation in front of him only to let him know that he’d come in 54th.

I know that Xuan Hao would absolutely, positively, never have acted like this. If he had this opportunity, he’d make the most of it. So would've Kim Min Seoung, the super talented, backflipping member of Back Door who MNET ignored completely. Or Han Seo Bin, Park JiHoo’s partner in crime. Or Park Min Seok, the WakeOne trainee who showed his true mettle as the leader of the benighted leftovers team who did Danger. Or Park Gwan Young, who showed us his surprisingly good vocals in Burn it Up. Or determined Chen Yu Geng, or my duckie Ouju, or General Gunwook’s sergeants Jang Yeo Jun and Han Yu Seop, or genuine Hong Keon Hee, or unlucky Hyo, or good-natured Ichika, or five or ten others I could name. I am not necessarily saying that every single one of these trainees is more talented or more “deserving” of a spot on this show than Z-Bo is, but I am saying that from what we have seen of them, not one of them would half ass his choreo in front of the judges just to make a whiney point about how his part is too hard. 

They start over, and when they're done, the psycho judge tells them, “we’re fucked. This is humiliation. Letting you go up on stage like this will be a humiliation for you guys, me, and Boys Planet.”

Weirdly, this is the first time I think I’ve ever seen this judge just say what was on his mind in a genuine, almost vulnerable way. He doesn’t look like he’s specifically trying to make them feel bad -- I think he almost doesn’t care about them at this point. I think he is actually thinking about his job responsibilities and how he’s going to have to get some wheels turning to make sure that their performance can even be aired. In other words, he’s annoyed at them because they are going to cause extra work for him. That’s just my take.

Solji does have a specific, useful piece of feedback, which is that they aren’t supposed to just be doing a straight up cover -- they’re supposed to be putting their own spin on it and showing their own charms. But, as Woongki interviews, they haven’t made any of their own choreo because no one on the team knows how to, and, presumably, because the group leader hasn’t pushed them to do it.

Cai Jin Xin wears the L sticker on his shirt, but other than that, I see no evidence that he’s the leader. Woongki is the one giving pep talks and doing most of the work. He also isn’t really complaining about it in his interviews. 

That’s not to say that CJX is being a terrible teammate. You can see that he’s invested in doing his best. Also, he’s providing free translation service for Z-Bo, who, unlike, say, 15 year old Takuto, has apparently not learned a word of Korean this whole time. 

Side note on that: Languages are hard, and some of us are worse at them than others, and we can’t possibly all be fluent in all languages. But I’ve traveled a lot and been to places where I know only a few words in the local language, and most of the time, people just are glad I tried to say a few words. Just a hello in Khmer or Thai or Greek before switching to English, and I'm rewarded with huge smiles. That’s all most people want -- just to know that you give a shit enough to try. It would seem so different if Z-Bo were just trying a little. Most of the other trainees are learning some Korean, even just an extremely basic pigeon Korean that is probably mostly nouns and unconjugated verbs. Cong speaks in one-word and two-word sentences a lot, and he's mostly understood. Many of the foreign trainees took the time to memorize a Korean speech for the elimination ceremony. Others spoke in their native language but added a Korean phrase or two, like a kamsamnida. What I'm saying is, it doesn’t make Z-Bo a bad person that he hasn’t learned Korean, but it makes him stand out as uniquely unwilling to try.

Anyway, back to CJX. You can tell he’s trying to do his best on the song, but he just feels lost. Same with Lee Dong Gun, who is completely willing to sing, just not really… able. 

But Z-Bo can't sing the song in the high key, and when the team tries transposing the song down, he barely tries to find the note he'd have to sing. It really seems obvious that he just doesn’t want to do it. It’s really not a good look. Again, I am trying so hard to look for how this could just be editing, but I can’t see any way it could be. 

Woongki ends up stepping up to not only choreograph the whole piece, but also sing the hardest part that Z-Bo can't, or won't, sing.

Later on that night, Z-Bo is hanging out with CJX in their dorm room, and they're talking to each other in Chinese. (That’s fine, by the way. I’d probably revert to my native language when I was alone with someone who spoke it.) But he’s using the opportunity to speak Chinese to say things that maybe he doesn’t want people to hear him saying.

First, Z-Bo refers to Woongki by aiming his foot toward the bed Woongki sleeps in and saying “he”, rather than calling him by his name. That’s what you do when you don’t know someone’s name. Look, maybe I’m wrong and maybe the translations are misleading or something, but if he doesn’t know Woongki’s name at this point, that’s fucked up. And to point with your foot? I think that's rude in any culture, but I think it's even worse in Asian cultures. I might be wrong.

Then Z-Bo says, “If things don’t work out, the production team will help us out for sure. They won’t let the four of us stand on stage staring into space.”  I have no way to know whether or not that’s true, but to express that thought out loud shows a depth of entitlement that I have no wish to plumb. I mean, he is probably tired and all that, but this wasn’t just a stray thought with no precedent in his other behavior -- this is the apex of everything he’s said and done recently. Somehow both a depth and an apex, I guess. 

A few days later at dress rehearsal, the judges are aigoo-ing most of their vocals and general ineptitude. When they’re done, Master Lee, who often delivers the best and most well deserved smack downs on this show, says,

“I’m curious. As you practice, don’t you realize, ‘we’re not good enough’ and think it through?... What do you do at those times? Think ‘time will resolve it,’ is that it? Or think, ‘since the camera only captures the major parts, we’ll just skip through these,’ is that it? Is that what you’re thinking? The Star Creators will be coming and the whole world will be watching you. If you’re not prepared, don’t you get nervous? Even if we give you solutions to the problem, would they get fixed?” 

Then after their feedback, Z-Bo rants to CJX in Chinese, inches away from Woongki and Dongyeol and just counting on them not to understand him. He says, “This was to be expected. He (and he points to Woongki) didn’t tell us what the choreography was about and we never agreed to it.” You can SEE him pointing. I don’t know how else to interpret this. 

And MNET comes through with the receipts, running a clip to show Woongki explaining the meaning of the song and choreography. Hoo boy. I guess that Z-Bo might just not have understood, but I assume that CJX would have translated. 

By the way, I’m not blaming CJX here. I’ve been in his shoes -- a popular person wanted to gossip with me about someone and I didn’t really know what to do. When someone like that wanted to gossip with me, I felt like, CHOSEN, you know? They’re telling ME this stuff, so they must like me. I’m on the inner circle now! They like me better than the person they’re talking about! Of course, since then, I’ve learned that (a) if I agree with anything they say, they’re likely to go tell that person that I said bad things about them (b) if they’re talking shit about them to me, they’re also talking shit about me to them, 100% of the time.

So, nowadays I know what to do -- I say, in a really pleasant voice, “I can totally understand how you’d feel that way, but I like [person] and don’t really want to talk about them when they’re not around. Let’s talk about [topic] instead.” Usually they say something defensive, like “I wasn’t gossiping” or something, and I let them off the hook, saying, “of course not, everyone talks about everyone sometimes, it’s normal, don’t worry,” and then plunge into the new topic. Sometimes if it’s someone I don’t know well, I pretend that it was my New Year’s Resolution to not gossip. Like, I blame it on myself that I don’t want to participate -- not that there’s anything wrong with them, it’s me who is being the weirdo. 

So yeah, I’m not blaming CJX. He seems a bit uncomfortable with Z-Bo’s comments and we never see him adding anything. He just doesn’t know how to get out of the situation he’s in. 

Anyway. 

True to Z-Bo’s prediction, production does in fact step in a little, giving them an extra vocal lesson with Master Lee and an extra dance practice with LipJ. You get the sense that these appointments were definitely not originally scheduled -- they’re held in weird small rooms we’ve never seen before or since.

Meanwhile, poor Woongki interviews that his ranks have been dropping the whole time, from 10 down to 34 at the most recent announcement, and he’s worried. “If this doesn’t work out this is the end for me.” Surely not, Woongki. Awww. 

I also feel sorry for Lee Dong Gun, who is only 17 and is actually a decent dancer. He’s just not much of a singer, poor kid.

So we go to the performance. 

That link is actually to Woongki’s fan cam. 

My take: 

Donggun’s dancing didn’t fit the style of the choreo-- he overdanced almost every step. But bless him, he was trying.

CJX didn’t do so well, but I know he was really, really, trying too. 

Z-Bo sang kind of decently, though it was kind of unpleasantly shouty, and he had a great smile and flirty interactions with the audience. I didn’t necessarily get the sense he was trying his hardest, though.

Cha Woongki was the Jihyo, Nayeon, Dahyeon, and Sana of this performance, put together. He was also the Mina, Momo, Chaeyeong, Jeongyeon, and Tzuyu. He truly carried the team.

The editing

The editing was pretty kind. The reactions were mostly pretty good, and they didn’t zero in on small mistakes. The weak and often incorrect dancing was mostly hidden by the camera angles. 

By the way, what is with cutting to Seo Won constantly during this whole segment? Are Seo Won and Woongki besties and I missed it? Do people ship them or something because they’re both a little bit effeminate (which is dumb)? What did I miss?

The voting

The boys go to sit on the folding chairs of doom, and we find out that Z-Bo has won the fan vote with 703 votes. Most of the trainees are completely shocked, because they all expected Woongki to get it, but Woongki is a pro and rolls with it. 

Look at everyone in the background looking at each other in disbelief. That’s formerly blue haired Park Hanbin top left, doing that incredulous smiling thing he does. There’s Jay in the center, and Limousine’s Park Jihoo on the right, and Lee SeungHwan 🍑 and Bak Doha behind Jihoo. Everyone is shocked -- it’s not a K versus G thing, it’s universal. 

But Woongki manages to smile and clap. He has been a complete pro this whole time, though. He has not had a single negative word to say about Z-Bo in the confessional -- I am sure that if he’d said it, they would have used it. But he must know that Z-Bo views him with contempt. I feel certain that he picked up on it when Z-Bo would talk shit about him in Chinese just inches away. You really can feel that. It’s hard to explain, but you just know. So he almost certainly knows exactly what Z-Bo thinks of him, and he is smiling and applauding because he’s a fucking pro. 

I know that Z-Bo might have “evil edited.” I really am trying to imagine how this could have been misconstrued, but in the end I think that this wasn’t evil editing. I think it was honest-to-goodness shitty behavior. And it is extremely galling that Z-Bo won the fan vote over Woongki. 

I was talking about this with my fella, you know, the one who makes me feel special, and he said that he’s been where Z-Bo is. I guess we all have been. You know, when you’re really good at something in your personal circle, and then you go from your small pond to a big ocean and suddenly no one cares about your special talent. You can feel so lost that it changes your whole personality. And I get that, I do. I’ve been there too. But when I was like that, I was being an asshole. I see it now, and I regret it, and I’m glad that I’m more in tune with myself now where I can catch myself feeling envious or overshadowed and just give myself some time away to process. 

So, it's a human thing, and not always a sign that someone is an irredeemable jerkwad. Maybe he’s a hopelessly entitled, privileged pretty boy actively sabotaging his team out of laziness and selfishness, as he seems to be. Or maybe he’s not really that bad, and within a few weeks or months he’ll snap out of it and apologize to Woongki and strive to do better going forward. I don’t know, and neither do you.

One thing we do know is that Woongki doesn’t want us to go after Z-Bo or anyone else on his team. Look at the message he left on his fancam video (this is google translate).

In case you can’t read the comment, Woongki basically is saying that he really loves the song Feel Special by Twice-sunbaenim, and that he feels that the Star Creators are the ones who make him feel special. He then says that his whole team -- and he names them all -- worked hard, and asks you to please support the entire team and vote for them. 

So, whether Z-Bo is an entitled jerk or just a guy who is feeling scared and out of his league, let’s follow Woongki’s lead and be polite, right, fam? No death threats or anything -- we can all agree on that! I’m sure my readers already know, though. 

AAAAAAnd with that, we have finished this one! 

If you need a palette cleanser, here is a video of Exo's Kai and Twice's Momo dancing together. Yes, this is a youtube video of a tiktok being posted on tumblr. Enjoy it. 

Or go on to the next one -- "Not Spring, Love, or Cherry Blossoms."

[princessdreamie]

DBH part 17

At the cemetery

Na stood infront of the gate, starting to have doubt's. She was hesitating if she should really go further with her mission or just forget it all together. But after gaining some more confidence in herself she passed through the gate.

The place was for the most part empty. Just a few ppl were present to visit their loved ones. She approached some old lady that was tending to the yard and asked for Yv's grave. The old lady chatted with the little girl as she took her there.

The woman was pretty helpful with her information. She was apparently someone who was some what close to Yv's mom, they werent talking a lot many years ago tho. The news about her friend's daughter's death hit the whole family hard.

She just knew that she had to go through a lot of misery, especially at the end. Na got to know about Yv's husband as well. Le gave her some information about him too but Na wasnt sure if he was of any importance in her opinion.

The lady heard that the man committed suicide after his wife's death. Na felt sad hearing that but her thoughts were interrupted as they arrived at the gravestone. Yv's name was somewhat legible but the weather over the years took a number on the writings.

Na ask the woman if ppl still visit her regularly. The adult thought for a bit and answered her truthfully: „The first few years, yes. But you know how it is. Things change, visits decline but there are still a few who visit every now and then.”

That got the little girl thinking. Aunt N and her mom sometimes go away once or twice a year but they would come back after 2 hours or so. She used to ask where they went but both of them avoided her quarries until she stopped entirely. „Come to think of it”, Na realized „They usually go out roughly the same date. If they had more work to do they would either go a few days earlier or later. Maybe their reason for going out on that date was to visit Yv's grave?”

Her mind was turning and only came to a hold when the lady excused herself to go back to her duties. Na thanked her and stayed for a couple more minutes. She didnt want to leave immediately not to raise suspicion but mainly to pay respects to her mom's late friend she never came to know.

A bus ride and short walk later

Na was about to enter the house, as suddenly the door flew open, seeing an anger K towering over the little girl. Na was very certain that she was in big trouble.

And she was right. K angrily berated his daugher of going out w/o their permission. Or not giving them any kind of way to find her. J was mad at her as well but she hardly said anything. Na was aware that she was supposed to inform them but she wanted the reason to herself in the moment.

The day passes and the Stanton's were invited for a family dinner at Fl's house. While his sons and their wives were acting normal, Na noticed something was not right. N was uncharacteristically quiet and Br was just hanging on her phone. Which wouldnt be unusal for her cousin but this time the teenager was very cold looking.

Na's parents acted like their usual self's but she knew that these 2 were still angry at her for leaving unannounced. At the end of the main course, N had an announcement to make.

N asked for the kids attention. Especially from her own daughter. Na was confused what she was doing but she didnt need to wait for too long.

N started by saying that the last couple of months have been chaotic and that things have strained their relationship.

The younger kids (Na and Ke) were not sure where she was going with this but the teenagers werent as interested as N would have liked. Thats were she finally told them the story about Yv and her kidnapping.

|dont feel like recapping bc some might know already and if not just know that i skipped at least 80% of her story bc the Yv arc went on for way too long.|

After finishing the story and revealing how it ended for Yv's husband, it went quiet. Br was shocked to say the least. She knew that her aunt Yv had an accident but he ad no clue how it actually went down. And now it made sense why she never saw her husband after that day at the ski resort. Lv wasnt as close to Yv as the others really, but he really felt bad for the unfortunate couple. Ke sat there as if he was not sure what he was supposed to do with that information.

But Na? Na was furious. Most of the things she already knew from Le's findings but those didnt mention anything about the hospice visit, or the earrings or any other instances they could have helped her. And she called out the whole tabel: „You call yourself her friends but she was not imoprtant enough for you to get her out?? You could have just let uncle Ct find her and see how to rescuse her from her ex. Or even better, HAVE HER TAKEN STRAIGHT FROM THE HOSPICE AND DEAL WITH HIM AFTER THAT!!!!”

The whole room was in shock at her outburst. Fl was about to order his granddaughter to behave but he didnt get a word in as the little girl jumped up from her chair, slamming the table glaring at Gr: „And as for her not being family. Have you ever considered that not every person has to be blood to be be one?”

She glared around the table: „Mom and Aunt N were Clearly worried about her. But all she got from you all was one visit and some useless earrings she never even used in the end?! You call yourself her friends but all i see are victim blaming, selfish, ENTITLED FAKES!!” Her voice raised with ever word when stating the last part.

N stood up, arguing with her that it was not true while at the same time trying to justify her actions. But that only made the girl more infuriated.

„Dont try making it about you, Aunt N. I know that you are nothing but a Self-centered woman, not caring at all for ppl that Actually need desperate help. You are not better than the ppl that took your friend-, No, sister from you. Her blood is on your hands. And thats a fact.” Her last 2 sentences shook them to their core.

With that the girl ran out of the dining room, J & K followed suit, calling out to her.

The table was silent for a long time. It was only when Lv spoke up first: „Wow. I cant really say i am shocked but my little cousins is right. You guys practically Abandoned her.”

Gr slapped his son at the back of his head pretty hard for his remark.

After some looking, k & j found their kid ouside in the garden under a tree. Crying her eyes out. Na didnt know why she was so upset. She never met the woman and only knew about her bc of their stupid fight on that day.

But she still found it so unfair. She didnt see any morality in their actions. Just self serving protections.

K wanted to hug her but the girl just shoved him away. Screaming at their hypocritical behavior. She once thought that the Stanton family was about standing up for others and take on leadership. But that was obviously a lie. She saw the signs, the big red flags but she tried to see beyond that. That night her trust in her family, especially N & Ct, was broken. She didnt blame Lv since he also was not aware of the truth. Or Ke, The boy obviously had no part in this what so ever. But the grown ups had no right to be idolized as they have been over the years.

After she calmed down more, J apologize for not telling her sooner but she wanted to leave the past behind and make the best of what she had now. After some time Na left with her parents, even tho she was asked to say sorry to the others for her outburst. But she refused to do so, only wishing to leave the place and to sleep in her bed.