#So just treat this as some nonsense ramble my brain cook at the dead of the night

[pepperinstarryskyicecream]

Although I personally prefer some slim, acrobatic-ish bodytype for Astarion. At the same time, I do wonder if we also take into account the well-defined six packs he has as canon, would it be a stretch if I think that, since he is a very vain person and has never seen his reflection once for over 200 years, he needs to relied on other people's comment about his face to affirm his believe that he looks beautiful, so his pride is just like a sandcastle that can easily be topple (like how you gaslight him he has a big ass hideous mole lmao).

But his body is what little remain of himself that he can still see and have control over. The only part of himself he still have the freedom to shape and mold however he desire, and moreover, he is able to witness every change it made. That's why I would like to imagine he worked out a lot to achieve the current ripped state, not only to have some assurance in his beauty, but this is also some little act of rebellion, if he can still improve himself in this damned undead body that Cazador has cursed him with, then perhaps he hasn't truly lost it all to the bastard, a hopeless belief that he hasn't yield himself up entirely.

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day Twenty One

It’s been three weeks since X and I broke up.

It’s already becoming a habit not to text her and not to call her nearly every day. I’m beginning to miss her less and less, but I still have my moments where I think about her and wish we could go back to how things were before. 

I woke up this morning after having some confusing and morbid dreams. In the first part of my dream, my two dogs, Katie and Hugo were there. In the dream, I knew they were both dead and I even acknowledged that fact out loud. Still, I was so happy to see my two dogs that I ran to them and patted their adorable heads and stroked their soft, silky fur. Hugo died 9 years before Katie and I haven’t dreamt about him properly in years. My family got both of them at the SPCA nearly 16 years ago. Hugo was only 5 months old and Katie was already 2 years old at the time. Still, they were my babies, my only loves for the longest time before all of my romantic relationships occurred. I’d like to have a dog running around my home again, but I’m still not ready after Katie’s passing nearly 3 months ago. It was a sweet part of the dream, but one that left me aching and pining for my lost pets when I woke up. 

The second part of the dream was about X; at least, I’m 90% certain it was. In the dream, I was on a warpath trying to go after an unknown man who had raped and killed X. But my brother, P, kept thwarting my plan to exact revenge and I was really angry at him for it. In the dream, my emotions were so raw and painful, I didn’t know I was dreaming. I felt a true sense of loss at the thought of X being gone from this world, it shook me to my core when I finally woke up. 

I don’t know exactly what either part of my dreams even mean. Could it be that I haven’t worked through all of the grief I’ve endured in recent months? Or maybe my brain is so overtired these days from exercising, working and socialising. 

It’s been raining hard all day long. But it’s ok because I like rainy weather, even when I’m stuck outside. The sound of rain pattering against windows is soothing for my soul. Colours seem so much brighter when it rains. But when it’s sunny, the brilliance of that giant star dims the colour of everything else beneath it. I love the sound of rain: it blocks out all other disruptive noises and slows down the traffic of my anxious thoughts. 

I’m rambling again, I must be more tired than I thought. Class went fine today with my students being as loud as per usual. My first assessment is due next week; I hope I’ll do enough activities in class to prepare my students for it. Not that it matters since I’ll probably give them all bullshit grades to please my colleagues and the parents. I did my best to prepare my lessons for tomorrow, but when it was time to clock out, I was pretty much out the door. C is really stressed with all the bullshit tasks she has to do like making book report templates and journal entries for all our students, which we were supposed to have started at the beginning of the year. I think H has officially lost the plot with managing other people. I think I’m just over nonsensical people and nonsensical situations that don’t seem to have any meaning in the grand scheme of things. These days, I crave to find logic and meaning in everything and everyone. Because if there isn’t any of those things, then we’re all just like Earth: spinning monotonously and so subtly on our own axes that we feels like we aren’t moving at all. 

I made a simple dinner tonight: boiled vegetables and salmon. I eat salmon nearly every month because I can actually afford it here in China. But cooking salmon earlier got me thinking about my recent trip to Manila. On our last night together, X and I ordered room service for dinner. I ordered a pork dish and she ordered salmon; she’d never tried it before. She liked it and insisted that I eat some too. The salmon tasted nice, but was quite dry. It got me thinking about all the times I wanted X to visit me in China and that I wanted to make salmon for her and other tasty treats. I only got to cook her breakfast a few times on previous trips when I visited her in her family home. 

There’s so much we never got to do together as a couple and it sucks. We were so close to having something incredible and it just got screwed up along the way. I guess I feel cheated because I wanted X to be the last person that I loved till the day I died. 

I guess there’s no point in dwelling too much on what could’ve been. All I can do now is hope that I’ll have another chance to be happy and in love again. But more than that, I want that someone to love me back and be there for me when I want them and need them. I want things to be simpler and not so heart-wrenching the next time around. But maybe you can’t really avoid heartache when you fall in love. It requires surrendering a part of yourself to another person without the guarantee that they’ll give you the same thing in return. And if it doesn’t work, then it always hurts. 

Time is marching on and I still need to go to the gym. Luckily, it will be a simple workout of stabilising my knees, so hopefully I’ll still feel pumped and ready to knock it out of the park. And after that, I hope I can relax and rest tonight without feeling too sad about X. I’ve been able to let my feelings go on most days since the break-up, but the tears are on the cusp of my eyelids tonight for some strange reason.  

Maybe the tears never really left. Maybe they’ve been here all along, waiting for the right time to fall.