#So fuck off cuz I know I'm broken and I don't need you to pretend there's a cure

[insaneillusionist]

I love searching for mental illness tags I can pin on myself so I can fix what's wrong with me like a little checklist.

Anyway if anyone tries to suggest I might have a specific mental illness unless I ask for you to tell me, I will most likely block you or ignore that. This is one of the few boundaries I am forming, and it is a hard one.

[sehodreamsthoughts]

omg okay i’m all over the place baby but i was helping a customer tn and he was being nice (most of our customers are horrible people) and when he left he called me ‘dear’ and because my brain is broken i immediately thought that’s so eunseok, fuma, kun coded pls🤭🤭 idk i was blushing hehe i hate when men talk to me normally but i just thought i was kinda cute cuz it sounded sincere<3

but ummmmm loser incel mark.. like.. running a podcast for like sigma males lmfaooo but maybe he does it under the guise of it being a dialogue on being a man.. on feminism, if u know what i mean? like he’s like im just talking about it type of shit like oh he’s such a deep thinker🤕🤕 so he gets a lot of girls that way,,, and i imagine he runs this podcast directly with or with collaboration from jaehyun, jungwoo, haechan, jeno.. type of idols.. i can also imagine idols from other groups to but hear me out !!!!

so they probably wouldn’t advertise this.. but they’d probably make some type of bet on how many girls mark could bed using sigma male methods or smth stupid like that, basically just how many girls can he fuck in like a week or smth… and that’s kind of where i get lost.. but we’ve got some choices. a) innocent, virgin!reader who falls into his trap, b) reader who is known for being easy but she doesn’t fall for his stupid tactics… at least at first or.. a secret third thing idk yet i’m not being very creative

- 🥟 anon

Oh I know that feeling 😭🩷 I'm happy that at least you had nice customer today honey!!

Okay that podcast sounds like something funny tho, I honestly have no idea what sigma males are, but I can see them all with glasses trying to pretend they're intellectuals about real gender equity, disguising all their dumb thoughts with a nice voice that gets them a public just because they sound hot and are slightly eloquent (on podcasts) but everything they say it's pure bullshit 😭

I like your options but of course those two would have different results, a)reader would sadly be manipulated by incel!mark, he'd gaslight her so bad into thinking everything he does it's actually normal, or that she's exaggerating all the time, like why do you need to see my phone? She's just a team member, and you've met her so many times, how could you distrust your own sex? Making her think oh yeah maybe I'm exaggerating when SHE'S NOT. He'd push her limits a lot too, all the time with that pretty face, pushing back his glasses between kisses telling her to lift her skirt for him, and if she says she's not sure, he'd be like Don't you trust me? Me? The one who's always been there for you? The one who holds your hand when you feel sad, the one who helps you when you have problems and the one who gives you everything?

He's a total manipulator 😭, he'd never make her pay half the bill only because he wants her in exchange. Oh, and he probably would convince her that she's dumb too when she's having a hard time in school, and that if it wasn't for him, she would be nothing.

In case of b)reader I think he'd be so awkward all the time, trying to show off his knowledge in different topics but reader immediately recognizing what he's trying to do, the obvious mansplaining, his always condescending tone, even how he has a slight tic on the eye and his hands can't never stay still when he talks, how easily he loses his composure and he's simply so fucking pathetic that she can't help but find him funny, so she keeps acting dumb only to see what else is he doing next, a date in which he tells her that she should pay her part and not being able to follow even the shallowest topic she brings to not let the silence become as uncomfortable as him.

I have no idea how the third reader could be, but maybe she just met him on tinder hoping to have a great date and seeing everything go TO HELL while being with him in person, not wanting to go to his house but only accepting because she's too fucking horny and wants some dick, and the sex would be lame as fuck at first but then it'd become aggressive from both of them, she scratching him hard and he using a bit too much strength while choking her, it'd be hate sex to the max 😭

[develation]

A Lifeguard's preach- please read

Okay, hi, welcome to my Ted talk. So surprise for some of you but I work as a lifeguard, and I have some things to say about my experience for the 2 years I've worked as one.

A lot of people have decided it's okay to crap on first responders lately, which is a subject I will lightly touch on. But pool lifeguards have been under-appreciated for a very long time. The pool I work at is like a mini-waterpark. We have slides, basketball hoops, a water playground, a lazy river (with tubes), an obstacle course, and concessions. Were not just your neighborhood pool, which means there are more dangers to look out for. Because you can tell yourself that things never happen, but that's a lie. Every day, things always happen.

So today I was walking my stand (grazing stands there called because you walk back and forth for 20 mins straight and then move to the next stand to do it all over again for another 20 mins. repeat that process for 2 hours on lazy river rotation). And this lady decided to sit right in the middle of where I'm walking. Now in lifeguarding, we have to keep a 10/20, which means 10 seconds to see someone and 20 seconds to get to them. And the zone I'm on is SCS which is the little kid playground, y'know, with TODDLERS AND BABIES EVERYWHERE. So in order to properly scan my zone and make sure none of these babies start choking on water, I ask her to move. And she looks at me and goes, "well you should have a sign there that says that." She moves, but did this lady seriously tell me that we should have a sign that says- "Please don't sit in the Lifeguards way. They are trying to make sure you and your child don't die." Like what?!

It's not just her, I alone have been disrespected so much on this job, it's stupid. I've had moms tell me to LEAVE MY ZONE and go get their kid because it will be my fault if they drown when the mother herself is on the other side of the lazy river. I've saved a boy and the mother said, "He was fine. I'm not filling out the paperwork, I just want to enjoy my last ten minutes here." Like, YOUR FUCKING WELCOME.

I am so sick of this. Do people don't even know the amount of training we do just to even work? I have at least 200 hours of training, and I don't even work the full year's cuz of school. It's not just CPR y'know? I know how to and train to handle Rescue-Breathing, seizures, chest compressions (yes, that is different from CRP), allergic reactions, heat stroke, burns, chemical burns (mostly for employees because we work with that stuff), Heimlich, Spinals (head, neck, and back injuries), eye trauma, and more. I, WE, may be no police officer or EMT, but we know our shit.

For working in general, while you're sitting in that cool water enjoying life. Where sitting there (or even worse, walking) in 2-hour rotations sweating our asses off. You can talk about those umbrellas we get on sitting stands all day BUT THEY DON'T DO CRAP. Because the sun MOVES in the sky. And most shifts are from 10:45 to 6:30, open to close. I have only worked 3 shifts that haven't been 7 or 8 hours long.

"What about lunch breaks?" well guess what, we don't get one! Every 2 hours we get 17 min breaks (15 guards on stand and 3 in break room at all times, that's how our rotation works) that could be interrupted at any moment because people don't drown on a schedule. My water bottle is broken (it leaks) from how many times I've thrown that thing when a long whistle goes off.

Just imagine, you're sitting there eating your well-deserved sandwich, slipping some water from your water bottle, chatting it up with the other guards. And then out of fucking nowhere- BRRRRRRRRRRRRR- *Hi this is adrenaline, I'm gonna turn all the way up now* "OH SHIT SOMEONE'S DROWNING FUCK FUCK FUCK-." And now you, your boss, and other 2 break guards are sprinting full speed across the pool deck trying not to trip over your own equipment. With your food and water bottle forgotten on the concrete of the guard-room floor. [It was a very sad day. I had ordered Jimmy Johns just for that...]

I have saved 8 people, all of them children. And every day, there are at least 2 saves, which means someone is drowning and a lifeguard has to jump in for them. Realistically though? There have been too many days for me to count where there were 8 or if not more saves. People take pool safety for granted, there fucking idiots who think that just because they're tall enough to go down the slide they can swim in the 12-foot deep catch pool. They think that they can go in the lazy river without a tube. Or that they don't need a lifejacket. Parents are idiots, who don't watch their children. In one of my saves, I watched a kid disappear underwater in front of me. One second they were above water and the next, just gone. It's not like the movies guys, there's no screaming or splashing. There's the weird doggy paddle, and then they stop making distance and are weirdly treading, and then they're gone. And then you have to pick out from the kids who are floating with their backs on the surface, the kids who pretend to drown for fun, and the adults who think it's okay to "test" the lifeguards.

Just today, within the first 20 mins of open we have a lady pass out. There's something horrifying about holding someone's limp body in your hands and them not waking up. Last year we had a lifeguard pass out from the heat on the lazy river. Just flop straight onto the pavement. In years past we had a woman have a heart attack on the deck. We kept her alive until EMS arrived but she died in the hospital 3 days later. There was another lady who busted her knee open and bled everywhere. Stuff always happens.

I make $10.86 an hour to save people's lives and get shit on while doing it. It's not everybody, I meet those parents who say, "Don't worry, I'll yell at them." Those kids whole actually put their tubes back and put back the tubes that everybody left right next to the corral. That one dude who filled up my water bottle with his water because, "I looked like I was melting and needed something good today". Those girls who say I'm pretty despite all my scaring and me having short hair (yes I have gotten judged for being a girl and having short hair). But most of the time, we are ignored and looked down upon.

Trust me, we don't mind small talk. Or making jokes, telling stories. We just want to be appreciated. And I just don't feel that most of the time. My bosses have been amazing to me, and they are one of the only reasons I come to work with a smile on my face. But above all that, I just want to fulfill the childhood-old dream of being a hero. Of saving a life. I know I'm not quite suited out for firefighting or EMT's or policing.

But I'm still doing it. And I would like for others to just see me, instead of yelling at me for saving their child's life.

[ohkissme]

Here's some Camren drama for y'll! (Got quite emotional bc 'Say You Love Me' by Jessie Ware & 'Only Love Can Hurt Like This' by Paloma Faith are on repeat for a month now)

Camila: Lauren...

Lauren:

Camila: Speak. Please?

Lauren: *sighs* What, Camila? What is there to talk about?

Camila: Us. *sighs*

Lauren: *frowns and scoffs* Huh. It's been like what? 2 years, Camila. 2 fucking years since you've broken up with me.

Camila: You know my feelings never faded away no matter what I did, no matter what I do!

Lauren: Really? Stop telling me this right now, ok? You're in a relationship, man.

Camila: Because it's the truth. I still love you, Lauren. *breathe starts to slightly shake* Yeah sure I laugh, I eat proper meals, kiss Shawn... but whatever the hell I do, you never left my mind and it sucks, fucking sucks cuz I'm alone feeling this way. Those fucking songs I compose are always about you-

Lauren: How could you conclude for myself? You have no idea how much it hurts having someone who makes you smile o-or laugh. I've always wanted to be the only person who makes you feel all that but look what happened? What we are is not a mistake yet it's just so damn wrong, know what I mean? *bites lower lip to stop self from tearing*

Camila: You were the first to avoid me, Lauren yet I pretended that nothing's wrong, yet here I am in front of you trying to convince you that I really care about what we had in the past and maybe-

Lauren: Maybe what, Camila? Future? Oh c'mon! *scoffs* It may hurt to say this but your future isn't with me. 'Us' is just too complicated, just by thinking 'bout it.

Camila: But- *tears start streaming*

Lauren: You wanna hear me say it out, huh? *frowns* Yes, Camila. I still am in love with you after all these years. I've tried everything I could just to get a hold of these fucking feelings but I'm always ending up getting myself drunk in every chance I get.

Camila: *steps closer* Then why are we fighting these feelings?

Lauren: Because!

Camila: No, Lauren. It's stupid. We shouldn't be fighting these feelings when in fact nothing's changed.

Lauren: What I feel for you doesn't even matter anymore. You're getting married in 3 days! This is pathetic!

Camila: *gulps* Y-you think i'm getting married?

Lauren:

Camila: I've ended it a week ago, Lauren.

Lauren: Stop fooling around.

Camila: I'm not messing with you, I swear. *shows hand to prove there is no ring*

Lauren: *starts to cry*

Camila: *whispers* baby...

Lauren: *gazes passionately at the brown-eyed* I'm too afraid what would happen next after this...

Camila: *looks deeply into those green orbs and sniffs* Well...

Lauren: *gently wipes tears off Camila's face*

Camila: ...I just wanna spend my whole life falling deeper in love with you.

Lauren: *smiles softly* You never give up, don't you.

Camila: *chuckles* You'd do anything just to be with the person who makes you crazy in every possible way.

Lauren: Yep, and I'm such a jealous woman and too afraid to admit that that is my weak point when it comes to you, so I end up not doing anything 'bout it but just to get mad and drunk *shrugs*

Camila: I'm so sorry. *places a hand on Lauren's face*

Lauren: No need for that.

Camila: *sighs* I love you so bad, it hurts.

Lauren: *kisses the brown-eyed passionately, pulls apart after 7 seconds*

Camila:

Lauren: I take it back. Your future's with me, mi amor.

[dinviataunuitiptrans]

#dinviataunuitiptrans

It's 2020 and my only resolution is to take it easy on me and go walk whenever I feel the sadness circling my soul, so this day I do just that.

I woke up freezing because the heater got broken and I know that if I stay indoors I'm gonna fall into some sort of despair so I go and brew some few cups of tea, purr them in bottles, roll up my last blunt from the stash, eat some pasta left overs from new years eve, dress myself in pretty colors and head out. It's been one hour of walking therapy so I stop by McD. to pee and then head out to the small park to have a smoke and rest my legs.

"- Futu-ți morții mă-tii de adiere băşită" is the best my brain could think of when the wind blowed away the tobacco from my rizla while trying to roll, so I start all over.

"- Futu-ți morții mă-tii...", this is my second attempt, the tobacco is all over my pants so I take a deep breath and keep on trying.

"- Futu-ți morții mă-tiiiii!!!!"

That was my 3d attempt to roll but the wind had other plans for my lungs. But then you came bye amused by the words you didn't understand, holding a pack of cigarettes and inviting me to stop fighting the wind and have a smoke from your pack. So I take one and you take a seat next to me and we lit up the cancer tubes, I say thanks and you say I'm very cute and smile. To scare the shyness away I pretend to flip my hair in the gayest way possible:

- Oh, just cute? and I thought I was beautiful, now you destroyed my dreams to ever be an instagram sensation.

You start laughing and tell me I'm actually beautiful and we start playing this game where we kinda make fun of how dumb we as humans are, I'm cracking up silly jokes and you do the same, I tell you I find you very cute also and I apologise for shattering your dreams of being an insta model, you laugh and you give me another cigarette and then move a bit closer to me.

- You're very smart for such a young guy...are you seeing someone?

- Love, you're sweet but I'm not that young...

Then you touch my hand and tell me you already like me and that I don't have to lie to impress you because you have been with guys younger than my age. That's how I find out that I'm most likely 22 or 23 and that you're just few years older than me, you're 25. I tell you lies are not my sexy kink and that I'm born in 1984, on the 31st of May. You laugh but I see the awe on your face so I tell you the good looks run in my family and that if you see my brothers you'll know what I'm talking about.

- Show me

You say that and then cuddled so close to me that you give me no option but put my arm around you while I start pulling out pictures from the phone.

- Here is Patrick, he's the love of my life and one of the sweetest man the Universe has given us. He's gonna be 35 this year.

You say we look alike but that I'm prettier than him so I turn a bit red and start feeling kind of uncomfortable so I swipe away.

- In this picture he's with Max, they are at a court hearing. Max is the oldest one, he is in his 40s and he lives here in UK but up north. I haven't seen him for ages and I miss him and his signature paranoia very much. This is Andrei, I have tons of pictures with him, we live together and he is so sweet that every time I think of him my heart melts. Probably the reason I take secret pictures of him while sleeping.

I show you more pictures with him and tell you the story when I had to sleep in his room and how he cuddled close to me when we were sleeping and you press yourself against my body and tell me you get it why. This makes me feel even more uncomfortable cuz you kinda took up every cm of my personal space but I don't know what to do so I brush it off.

- He's 22 and he might be one of the sexiest of us but he's not the youngest, Gherman is. See? This is Gabi but I call him Gherman, this is a screenshot from one of our chats, I always do this pictures when we talk so that I have them to look at when I miss them. You would say he's 14 but actually he just turned 18. He's an adorable pain in the ass but with the soul in the right place. And this is Chriss, look how gorgeous this guy is and his heart is pure gold. He's such a talented artist but unfortunately he wasn't discovered yet, he draws nudes and erotic art and it's mind fucking blowing. This is a photo with Chriss, Rami and Teo, I almost cried when I got these pictures of them. Rami represents the whole notion of humanness and he's shy just like me.

- This guy is blonde... is he also your brother?

You pointed out to Teo so I show you more pictures with him and then pull up pictures with Andreas also.

- Yeah, we have few blondes in our family but we decided to love them nonetheless. This is Andreas, not only that he's blond but he's also a very wise man. It's always such a pleasure talking to him. He's in Germany now. Just like Leo.

I'm looking for pictures with Leo so I start scrolling for the screenshots from the last whatsapp conversation and you decide to take a break from your cuddle and have a smoke. Now I feel more comfortable even though you're still resting your body next to mine.

- Here is my adorable Leo.

- He looks alot like the first guy without the beard..

- Like Patrick?

- Yeah

You see the pictures with me and Vlăduț and you like him.

- This is your brother also, I can tell. Is he old like you?

- No, actually he's young like you. And also an amazing musician and sound therapist. He makes sounds with weird instruments and then you feel a bit better. But he's not in London anymore, he returned home, he wasn't feeling very good here.

I feel you're a bit disappointed and probably thinking that you'll have to settle with me but once you get me started with my brothers it's very hard to make me stop.

- And this is Aris, he looks like an artist because he is one, he's a painter and a tattoo artist. And this is Elias, if you're ever looking for a smart conversation then he's the guy to go to. Him or Alexander. The difference is the sarcasm of Alex versus the warmth of Elias.

Then I show you Alexander and you smile and ask me if Elias and Alex are twins but I have no chance to answer because now you're handing me your phone and ask me to pull up my fb and I do just that so you start looking around while I'm getting even more nostalgic going through the pictures in my phone. I'm looking for a picture with Abel but I have no more time to show it to you

- You're transgendered?

- Oh love, there's no such thing as being "transgendered", nobody can transgender me, I am transgender because this is how I am.

- You mean you're not a real man?

- I'm just as a real human as you are love, and for sure am a man. Just that I'm a trans man

- And you're proud of this sickness...

And then you show me my cover photo.

I felt your disgust even since you said "Trasgendered" and I know very well that look in your eyes, I once had a crazy girlfriend who used to look at me just like that and somehow it feels so fucking familiar that I sense what is going to happen next so I try my best to avoid it. I tell you that each of us has its own life to live and that people must learn to accept and embrace diversity if we want to heal this human race. I tell you that body parts are just that, body parts and that gender identity is not defined by sexual anatomy. I want to tell you more but I was right and you snap into rage mode, slap the shit out of me almost poking my eye out with your nails.

- Fucking disgusting predator, man with pussy, you should be burned alive.

You walk away in anger showing the middle finger, shouting "fuck you", so I shout back that you wish to have the luck to get fucked by such a proud trans man but that I don't fuck crazy bitches anymore so you turned around and you were fuming so I told you that if you come back to hit me again I'm gonna punch you in the face. You left. I start rolling one and feel sorry I got angry and yelled back but somehow so relieved that you went away.

Dear L.,

You have my FB now and somehow I hope this message gets to you: please get some medical help you are in desperate need, and you won't get to meet nice guys like me everywhere.

I know you have serious mental issues cuz a healthy mind wouldn't let you go to total strangers looking for their attention and affection on a bench in a park, you don't cuddle with strange men and expose yourself like that.

I lived with a girl like you, extremely violent and unstable that is, for a whole year and I know that you were just looking to meet somebody that looks like a nice guy but actually hoping to get an asshole so you can have an excuse to violently manifest your pain. Been there through that already so I know the drill. The fact that you discovered I'm transgender was just the trigger you were looking for, and I didn't feel you hated me but I did feel that you wanted to make someone suffer and you found me, so it was just a matter of time until something would have triggered you.

PS: I'm sorry I threatened you but I don't like being hit. I wouldn't have hit you back but I would have called the ambulance because I learned that being a sweet person doesn't help when somebody suffers like you do.