#Smoking before like four is bad for me personally I've found even on days like this. I don't enjoy it as much as I feel like I'm going to

[egoborderline]

Trying not to smoke during the day hard mode: you have work off, it's the holidays, there's weed in the house, you are home alone all day, you have major depression, you're about to have a iud induced Super Period and are sweating and cramping like a mother fucker

[awakeshedreams]

sugar and spice ( 1 )

pairing : resident bad boy!jjk x model student!reader

setting : highschool!au x stepbrother!au

summary :

a messy highschool!au x stepbrother!au where model student reader who has quite a few dirty little secrets sees her world take an unexpected turn when her mother comes home one day with an engagement announcement, to the father of none other than the school's resident bad boy.... Jeon Jungkook.

genre : smut, for laughs, kinda pornish, slow burn with collosaly overwhelming sexual tension

rating: soft m ( for now ) due to adult content

warnings : unconventional relationship of sexual nature, tropes and clichès, teenagers partaking in porn-esque activities, made up things with made up people happening in a made up world, don't like don't read XD

wordcount : 2.3K

a/n : i've been fighting in a long standing war and I have lost. the man known as jeon jungkook had his foot on my neck for years and today, I have finally submitted to my fate and surrendered to his reign.

yes. after a hundred years, i'm writing again. specifically, writing for bts. particularly, writing for jungkook. its been a long time coming.

life just took over and I transitioned into an adult and kind of grew out of the state of mind I was in before. but. sigh. jeon jungkook has been tormenting me the whole time. it was only a matter of time before i relapsed honestly.

so here I am again. in mind, body and spirit, a different person from who I was before but still the same in the sense that with the way bts have my whole heart, jk will always be the demon in the corner of my room that I invite to bed for a cuddle even though it's (probably really) not good for me.

do not misconstrue. I love him more than I can say. but. sigh. he has me in a chokehold, loves. please try to understand where I'm coming from.

anyways, enough with this ranting. you all came here for the nitty gritty so let me not hold you hostage with my dilemma rambling any longer. here's to the first bts fic i've posted in literal years. introducing- sugar and spice.

1 2

Unless they told someone, no one would have been able to guess it.

At school they were complete strangers.

She was the nice head girl with a clean record, all smiles and straight A’s. He was the mysterious bad boy with a track record, all tatted up with bruised knuckles.

She wore plaid skirts with neat pleads in them and pastel sweaters with bows at the collar. He wore jeans with rips in them and leather jackets with studs.

They couldn't have been any more different.

As far as anyone was concerned, they existed on two extreme ends of a vast spectrum.

What they didn't know was that they shared a dirty little secret.

.

You were a girl with many dirty secrets.

For instance, you used to sell nudes online. It was a side hustle you did.

Not because you needed money.

Your mom was a renowned doctor so there was more than enough of that in your life.

Not because you needed validation from people online either.

Even without the constant compliments and the praises you knew you were visually blessed with a pretty face and a nice body too.

All things considered, you simply thought you had a nice pair of tits and you took pictures of them sometimes.

Posting the shots you snapped online came much later when you heard about this website where people were getting paid crazy money for posting racy things.

‘It’s just so degrading…’ It was one of your friends, June, who sneered, pretty nose scrunched up. She fixed her long ponytail and rolled her brown eyes while looking in the mirror at her locker. ‘Who would do such a thing, am I right?’

She said this, but June was the girl who has slept with more boys than she could count on her two hands. And those were the ones she told you about.

Like every other time, you said nothing. Even when it carried on to lunch with the rest.

‘Pretty desperate if you ask me.’ Mei the stellar track runner shrugged casually as she stretched her limbs like routine.

‘Where are their parents?’ Nina the library nerd shook her head in disapproval as she fixed her glasses so it sat right on the bridge of her nose.

‘Um… I don’t think it’s … appropriate… to talk about ….’ Kiko the one who always carried a cross and bible around mumbled into her sleeve.

All your friends spoke of it in derision and repulsion of course. This was a school for proper children so they were proper girls. At least they were supposed to be.

Regardless the conversation sparked a curiosity in you.

So you made an account and uploaded your first picture. Nothing bizarre. Just your tits in a pretty lace bra.

You made sure to keep your face out of the frame because that was the smart thing to do and you were nothing if not the smartest student in school.

In all honesty, you weren’t expecting anything out of it. In fact, in between work with student council and tutoring your juniors with finals right around the corner, you even forgot about it for an entire month.

It was by a complete whim that you decided to open the app while you’d been unwinding at your desk following a tedious day at school.

To say you were amused by the response you found waiting for you would have be a grave understatement.

You were staring at the four figure digit that now sat in your bank account.

Reading through the comment section was even more interesting.

There were all sorts of people there who had all sorts of things to say. Ranging from honestly sweet to downright dirty.

You had never been brought to tears laughing in her life before until then.

It was just so funny to see people misbehave and lose their minds over a pair of tits.

From then on it just sort of became a thing.

.

But that wasn't the worse of your secrets.

You were making a name for yourself on the crude web months later.

The next step was naturally to move from making taking pictures to making videos. Since you was already in too deep you didn’t see why not.

So you upgraded and opened another account. An amateur one where your touched yourself for an audience.

You were no prude.

You might have never been touched by a boy before but you had touched yourself plenty times. Stress and frustration came hand in hand with being head girl. Since you couldn’t quite vent it out at the annoying troublemakers at school, this was your second best option.

Third was watching porn, but that was mostly when you were extremely bored.

But that wasn’t where that little endeavor ended.

Later on it became a lot more risqué.

.

It all started when your mom hit you with a marriage announcement.

She met a guy on her business trip who she really liked and she was convinced he was the one.

Your mom had a tragic history of being a bad judge of character.

You’ve had this conversation at least five times since you became old enough to understand that boys and girls who were just friends didn’t kiss and sleep with each other.

Most times, it felt like she was doing it because she thought you needed a dad around.

You might have once, when you were younger and your mom was too busy with work to be there. But she worked from home these days and you were soo busy with school to worry about things like that.

This time it was like she was doing it for her. You were glad.

Your mom looked genuinely happy when she spoke about this guy.

Who were you to get in the way?

.

She spent almost the whole weekend in the kitchen. It was the longest you’ve seen her in there in your entire life.

She was excited for the dinner on Sunday.

Mr Jeon was the name of the chosen man.

He was coming over with his kid. A son, his only family. His wife passed away years ago.

You wore the dress your mom picked out for you, something cream in color and off the shoulders that brushed your knees. She looked pretty in her champagne dress. It was different from the office slacks and loose blouses you were used to seeing her in.

You stood by her at the door while the guests came through.

Lifting your head from a polite bow, you found herself staring straight into an achingly familiar pair of glinting dark eyes and went completely still.

‘Sweetie,' Your mother said sounding delighted, a soft hand on your stiff shoulder. 'This is Mr Jeon and his son Jungkook.’

Ah. Fuck.

‘Jeon dear, this is my daughter. Isn’t she lovely?’

.

Dinner was a mild affair, with small talk and the occasional clinking of cutlery on fine china.

From the outside looking in, you probably looked the picture perfect family already.

Only if no-one looked close enough.

Arms crossed, tongue in cheek. Your discomfort could be detected from miles away.

The two adults were oblivious.

The dark eyed boy with the slightest wave to his nape touching, brow grazing, ear covering onyx hair sat across you though; he took note of this with a passing glance and wordlessly returned to his food.

Jeon Jungkook had a countenance that betrayed his reputation.

Even though you’ve never talked, you knew plenty about him and you were sure he knew a lot about you too.

You went to the same school.

Dressed as he was in a crisp white dress shirt buttoned at the wrist and dark tailored pants with a fine belt on, it might have been hard to tell what kind of person he really was.

You lifted her gaze from your plate to look study him wordlessly, idly twisting the noodles with your fork.

People either called him the black sheep or the dark cloud but for you, Jeon Jungkook was the school’s resident lone wolf.

He smoked in the secluded areas on campus, sometimes playing his guitar. Beat up people who got on his nerves, sometimes using his guitar. Slept in class the rare times he was there, many times on his guitar.

Being his senior, you had never seen any of any of that for yourself. But you received plenty reports weekly to come to a sound conclusion.

There was no way people hated him enough to join hands in solidarity and make this all up.

It was quite the contrary actually. He had an alarming number of fans.

On the surface level you couldn’t see why. Most times you saw him, he looked bored out his mind and honestly, intimidating.

Maybe it was the tattoos. Or the ripped skinny jeans. Or the leather jackets with studs.

Maybe it was the domineering height and fit frame and structured face.

Maybe it was the intense dark eyes or the silky ruffled hair.

Even then, you failed to see the irresistible appeal in him. All those things that made him up only added to his unapproachable aura.

Bottom line was, he was bad news.

.

You didn’t want to be a spoil sport.

But how much of a thug your mom’s boyfriend’s son was shouldn’t be something that would make her like him less.

They were both their own people. Right ?

It was just that you just didn’t want her to be shocked and devastated if something happened later. When it happened.

Yet it seemed the serious conversation would have to wait.

After dinner your mom suggested you head to the living room to chat over wine and cheese.

You stayed back to do take out the dishes.

Earlier, your mom had stood to do it instead at first.

‘Don’t bother with that, dear.’ She reached for the plates in your hands. ‘Let me do it.’

‘It’s okay, mom.’ You smiled a little. ‘This is your night. I’ll meet you in the living room.’

'Sweetie...' Your mom looked close to tears. ‘But there’s so much of it…’

‘Jungkook,’ his father's voice had cut through the moment. He was a serious man in a crisp suit with a stoic countenance. His voice was just naturally authoritarian without him trying ‘Give her a hand.’

Jungkook stood, almost robotically.

‘It’s fine.’ You said. Politely. Nicely. Tightly. ‘I can handle this much.’

You left without another word.

That had been moments ago and now you were done with cleaning.

You stood at living room entrance for a while, taking in the scene.

The two adults were exchanging moon eyes and whispering in each other’s ears at the love seat.

Jungkook was sitting on a solo seat, but he was on his phone, completely unbothered by what was happening.

Your mom seemed to think it was the perfect time to pull out the photo album right then and there upon seeing you.

It was embarrassing but at least you knew you didn’t have to worry about the pictures spreading at school.

Jungkook was looking, picking up a picture occasionally to rove over, but he wasn’t the type to do that.

He also wasn’t the type to stare but you felt his glance shifting to you and lingering multiple times.

Once, you caught his eyes and he just stared at you across the coffee table wordlessly with a curious tilt to his head, idly flipping a picture of you dressed as a knight in glitter shining armor for Halloween at eight in his hands.

Honestly, it was starting to get annoying.

But you endured. For your mom’s sake.

.

Your alarm went off at exactly ten.

As subtly as you could, you excused yourself with an apology to the guests, saying you weren't really feeling well.

In hindsight you probably should have used a better excuse.

Your mom was notorious when it came to worrying, especially when it comes to your health.

Also, you probably should’ve locked the door before undressing just for good measure since people were over.

But in the moment, you were too busy setting your camera up where you were kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed to be concerned about that.

That day you were testing out a new toy.

.

Distractedly, you took note of a couple of people asking you if that was your boyfriend’s shirt you had lifted over your tits.

You ignored them.

Couldn’t a girl own an oversized tee without getting any flack?

Trivial comments like that aside, a good majority of the audience are fawning over how wet you were and how perfect you bouncing tits look being played with.

Your head fell back and your eyes fluttered shut.

You were sitting there, knees raised to your chest and legs splayed, your gushing pussy in full display where the toy was stuffed deep into her tightness, vibrating pleasantly.

‘I’m close…’ you mumbled throatily, squeezing your tits and pinching your stiff nipples in between your moving fingers. You moved your hips move faster, feeling the toy buzz against fluttering walls. You took a hand off one of your tits to rub at your engorged clit. ‘Fuckfuckfuck…’

Deep in your high, you didn’t hear the door open and close with a foreboding click.

You only heard your name being called by a deep, smooth voice through the heady haze.

Instantly you stilled.

When you snapped your head to look over her shoulder Jungkook was there, hands in his pockets, leaning against your doorframe with his sleeves drawn up to his elbows, muscle roped, inked skin on full display.

When he tilted his head to the side a little, appraisively, you dared to say as a quaking chill ran down your spine and your entire body felt like it was about to burst into flames, a bit of his hair fell over his face.

His eyes were like two black in the dark as he took you in, dragging his gaze up and down your exposed body languidly.

In the back of your mind, you wished the ground would part and swallow you whole.

‘Your mom,' he starts, capturing your attention wholly, dark gaze finally flickering to your face, his voice suddenly lower, hoarser. ‘She sent me over to check on you.’

It took you a moment to realize where you were, who you were, who he was.

It was like a bucket of cold water had been dropped over your head.

Jeon Jungkook, the school's resident trouble maker, soon to be your step brother, just walked in on you fingering yourself in in front of a recording camera.

Well. Yeah.

You gulped.

You were royally fucked.

depending on the response I get I might ( most probably will ) delete this. not because I'm ashamed of my work. because I'm embarrassed of myself. I really swore to never write again and here I am. sigh. yes, I have seen my previous works and noticed just how terrible they were and this is a big reason why. so sorry for putting you through that. a million apologies.

also, that's right. I have adopted a new style which might not be to everyone's liking. another reason why.

anyways, if you liked this filth ( i know it seems mild but I can tell you it's very likely gonna get worse ) please idk uh... fuck this isn't ao3. hm.

like and drop by in the ask box if you liked it and want to see more. it makes me happy. its like serotonin fuel to me.

have a nice day. see you next time ( maybe ). stay fresh. yeah. 💜💜.

[alirhi]

10 Sebastian roles as boyfriends

Because... I'm bored and I feel like it. 😂 Probably some spoilers for, like... everything? So yeah... That.

Putting it under here for easy scrolling:

10: Chase Collins

Who doesn't love a goofball? In the first half of the movie, Chase is basically perfect. He's sweet, funny, not all caught up in his ego, and actually pays attention to what the girls around him are saying, not just to what he wants to hear. If not for the whole... it was all an act to get close to Caleb and try to steal his magic thing, Chase would actually be a damn good high school boyfriend. He's adorable and would be a fun date, but he's also only 18 so best not to start making long-term plans lol. Also, y'know... the whole psycho revenge/power grab thing.

9 Jack Benjamin

Y'all. Y'all. Words cannot describe how much I love Jack. Pretty sure I've made this clear. As a person/character in general, he's absolutely in my Top 3 - not just of Sebastian's characters, but any character ever. ❤ But as a boyfriend? Boy's got baggage. It's what makes me so protective of him, but seeing as how he's trapped in the closet thanks to his overbearing homophobic family and the insane expectations heaped on him, as the show left him, he can't handle an honest relationship. He's too easily influenced by all the wrong people, poor babe.

8 Chris (Destroyer)

On paper, undercover cop sounds cool and exciting, but even if you ignore the fact that he, y'know, dies... Chris got in too deep and kinda lost the mission, so to speak. Best case scenario, you're his sexy partner and in on it all with him and end up on the lam for the rest of your lives. Worst case, this man lies for a living, so can you even trust him? And... yeah. The whole dead thing. Chris is hot af but getting involved with him is a recipe for disaster.

7 Ben

Min and Hathor have mercy, I love Ben! He's smart, he's snarky, he's caring and loyal... he's an absolute disaster. He's another one who seems allergic to honesty, until his lying and avoiding nearly kill his girlfriend. Not exactly relationship goals lol. Everything before totally was, though! Ben's adorable, and I love how he stayed up all night to protect his girlfriend (from a ghost/demon thing... with a baseball bat. I said he was smart, not perfect, okay? XD points for effort lol)

6 Mickey Henry

I. LOVE. MICKEY. Oml I love Mickey. He's a spazz and - even more so than Ben - an absolute disaster of a human being, but I love him. Pros for dating Mickey Henry: he's fun, he's carefree, he'll cook for you even though he's kinda bad at it lol, he loves his son and wants to be a good dad, he wants his partner to be happy and to love life as much as he does. Cons, and the reason he's not higher on the list: He's a pushover; easily influenced by the toxic people in his life, and it gets him into a lot of trouble. Being easily influenced by toxic dumpster fire of a human being Chloe almost lost him the partial custody of his son that he barely even had. He's an absolute sweetheart, but he's a complete man-child, and dating him would often feel more like raising him.

5 Frank "Suffer Buddy"

Come on! You know he and Mickey had to be back-to-back - they're practically the same character! 😂 Frank is Mickey... slightly more grown up. He's still a disaster, but he's respectful of boundaries, he's caring, he's funny in a dry, witty way that I just adore, and hoo lordy that man is a giver! 🥴🥵 Honestly, if he didn't smoke and didn't ditch Daphne in the middle of a party hours away from everything familiar to her surrounded by strangers to go do drugs, I'd call Frank perfect. He listened, he respected her wishes, he tried to keep some distance between them when he found out she'd gone on a date with his best friend (it failed utterly and brought us to the "damn that man's good with his mouth" portion of the movie lmao but still)... I don't have a whole lot of experience with men who actually give a shit, okay? So Frank is like a goddamn unicorn to me lmao. But that drug thing... That keeps him at the bottom of the Top 5 for me. Sorry, bb

4 Bucky

I can already hear everyone on here raging at me for placing Bucky so low on this list, but hear me out: I love this man. I love all four iterations of this man. Flirty 40s Bucky was a doll (fun date, not commitment material). Post-POW camp 40s Bucky had a fire to him that set me on fire. The Winter Soldier can choke me any damn day. Unf. And TFATWS Bucky... Oh, lady above, 2023 Bucky is a gem! He's sweet, snarky, and broken. He feels utterly, wretchedly alone in the world, and everyone around him, including his only friend, is telling him to "man up" and "make amends" for shit that was never his fault to begin with, rather than helping him come to terms with all that he's suffered and all that he's survived. Bucky needs and deserves love. A relationship with him would be so solid, if he found the right person... But it would take a fuck ton of work. He needs someone strong, patient, and more stubborn than he is to prod him until he finds a better therapist and actually opens up, and to keep him on track because even good therapy comes with homework. He does have to "do the work," Sam was right about that much, but he was way off base with what that "work" is. Bucky needs help and understanding, and he would be an amazing boyfriend... if he found someone with the strength to help him weather his nightmares and flashbacks, and help pull him out of this PTSD pit he's been in since 1943.

3 Chris Beck

Big brains turn me on, okay? 😂This man is an astronaut and a surgeon! Yes, please! Come here, you sexy genius! He's smart, he's funny - pretty sure Sebastian is incapable of playing anyone who's not delightfully snarky lol. He's pragmatic when he needs to be but there's also nothing he wouldn't do or risk for the ones he loves. This man is husband material and I cannot be convinced otherwise! So why isn't he #1? Cuz of the whole... spending years in space, thing. Super cool job and I'd be his biggest fan on the ground, but god damn, I would miss him while he's away!

2 TJ Hammond

Look, I'm gender fluid and he's a little bit bi 😂😂😂 Let me have my fantasy, okay? TJ's definitely got a lot of shit to work through, but love brings out the best in him. Before that fucking closeted shitbag broke his heart and stomped on it for good measure, TJ was clean and sober for months, he was happy, he was playing piano again, he was pulling himself together. Not only would he be an amazing boyfriend, but his partner would get the extra joy of getting to watch their love and devotion to him be the thing that saves this beautiful man's life. It's not healthy overall to tie your self worth and will to live to a relationship, but if he found the right person who would be there for him through all of life's shit and stick it out, I think he'd be okay. Even after his lowest point and without the support of his family, TJ still had a dream and he still chased it. He's not just the sweetest person to ever grace our screens, but he's ambitious and business-savvy, too. Keep him off drugs and watch this man take over the world, I'm telling you!

So why is TJ only #2? Well, besides the fact that he's like 99% gay and I have no bits he'd be interested in lmao, there's also the fact that this guy owns my heart:

1 Will Franklyn

And not just because we get to see him wet and mostly naked lol. Will is fucking perfect. I would die for this man... because he's already shown that he would die for his love. He almost fucking did, and they weren't even together yet! He's smart and very aware, he's a writer so we'd get to bond/geek out over books together, he's not all full of himself (self-deprecating humor ftw!) and he's willing to help a total stranger despite actual mortal peril, just because it's the right thing to do. Fierce, intelligent, sassy, strong-willed, and a flawless moral compass? YESYESYESYESYES! Forget boyfriend - let me MARRY this man! 😍🥰

[abeautifulblog]

*squints* Were you ever a GoT fan?

*squints back* No?

I read the first four books, back when there were only four books in the series. (This would have been... pre-2011? I have a strong memory of reading them in a particular restaurant, so I know where they fell in my own personal timeline.) And they were... fine? Engaging enough to keep me reading, obviously, but then once I was caught up, I found myself... not really interested in reading more.

It wasn't a dramatic schism, more that I just put the series down when I finished book 4 and then never felt compelled to pick it up again.

And since then, I've gotten progressively more woke, and have read a lot of extremely cogent criticism of the racism and sexism that the series unwittingly perpetuates, and... yeah. Basically, once you see those things, you can't go back to unseeing them, and it makes for a much less pleasant reading experience.

Particularly since GoT is working so hard to be taken ~SERIOUSLY~ that it's like -- okay, but do you want to be taken seriously, and therefore held accountable for your really lazy racist & sexist worldbuilding? Or do you want to be able to brush off criticism with "it's FANTASY, we can do what we want"?

(Not to mention the scores of medievalists who are like [tired smoking ben affleck meme] at every single one of GRRM's pretensions at 'historical accuracy.' Spoiler: he ain't.)

Anyway. I never got around to watching the show; I am a hard sell on the moving pictures. But I must admit, it was some schadenfreude to watch GoT shit the bed so badly that overnight it went from being a cultural phenomenon to being collectively forgotten, because of just how astoundingly the ending betrayed the audience.

And this feels like the spark for a longer post I might write some other day, about how important it is to stick the landing of a story -- and proving how a bad ending can retroactively taint everything that came before it, to the point where people can't even enjoy rewatches anymore, not when they know how shitty and unsatisfying it's going to end.

[scvrllet]

If you're still doing these, could I get a 🎫 concert ticket for Harry Potter and Once Upon A Time?

Glad to have found your blog!!!

I'm Lucifer, but people call me Luci or Luce, I'm 21 (22 in September), I identifiy somewhere around the nonbinary category, but I see gender as something trivial. I'm a panromantic demisexual and prefer they/her pronouns. 6'3 tall, long wavy blonde hair, black eyes. I wear glasses and usually skirts with old band t-shirts (that I actually listen to).

I always have a bunch or rings around my fingers as well as multiple ear piercings. I'm super pale, to the point that people often ask me if I'm sick.

I'm introverted, but I can be a social butterfly if required. I love listening as much as talking. I never really talk about emotions/feelings but anything else I'mhappy to chat about. I don't really react to things apart from my facial expressions. The lift of an brow, a smirk or an eye-roll will let you know how I feel about things without verbal confirmation. I'm always calm and collected, and my voice stays monotonous no matter what ; I don't stutter, yell or scream.

I'm highly intelligent and very sarcastic, and rarely laugh outloud, but smirk a lot. I might come across as rude and blunt but on the inside I am a softie, just don't show it often.

I love literature (especially classic), arts and learning languages (I currently speak 18). I'm also musically very inclined. I study History and mythology. When it comes to hobbies, I read and collect lots of things things such as lighters, tarot cards, night lights, rocks/crystals and books.

I have four siblings and am the oldest, but I don't really keep in touch with my family that much. I have a few good friends (2 or 3) and I don't even really need much more.

I'm a Virgo, Slytherin and INTJ-A if that tells you anything.

I'm not athletic in the least, but am in good shape. My body is an hourglass figure and I also got a bunch of tattoos.

I have a bad habit of smoking, and usually having a glass of scotch or wine with me (but I never get drunk or even tipsy). I love spending time near water, but hate getting wet. I usually take long walks outside after midnight while listening to creepypastas or true crime podcasts. I love the genre horror overall, yet I rarely get scared. The only thing I'm scared of is being scared if something. And Santa Claus (<-- no idea as to why).

If I were to go on an ideal date, it'd hopefully be something original and not the cheese classics, but I wouldn't mind them either. I just want to experience new things.

I don't really celebrate holidays (e.g. Christmas, Ester) since I was raised in an atheist/witchcraft household.

If I still might add something, when it comes to relationships I'm never overly dramatic. I don't, as previosuly mentioned, yell or really even cry. I don't get frustrated or suspicious easily. If I see any inclination that my partner might be e.g. cheating on me, I ask them about it directly and will absolutely under no circumstanses go through their phone, computer or start stalking them. 

You wanted 3 random things, here :

1. I can't cook shit, I have set spaghetti on fire, cracked a pan in half and blown up a microwave.

2. I'm very unpredictable, but at the same time I like to stick to certain routines etc.

3. I've had my hair dyed more times that I can count with more colors than I know how to name.

Uhhh, I think that's all? I hope you have a good day :)

(🎫) CONCERT TICKETS - get a platonic or romantic ship/match-up from the fandom of your choice (max. two) along with a shirt headcanon

JOIN MY 4K FOLLOWER CELEBRATION

I ship you with....

Peter Pan

- Arriving on Neverland, in hindsight, was a mistake. Magic beans while very reliable were prone to mistakes every so often and so instead of appearing in the Enchanted Forest, you were on the beach of a large island. And what was the most odd of all, was not the strange feeling you felt upon arriving on the island, but the pair of eyes you could practically feel staring at you from the trees. Hoping that it was just an animal of some sort, you walked off the beach and headed to the path through the forest.

- Unfortunately for you, the feeling lingered, following you almost as you walked through the forest. Tall trees lined the path and every once in awhile you’d see some small animals scurry away. What seemed to stand out the most however were the silhouettes standing off in the side, deep within the trees but standing right below the sunlight for you to see clearly. There was four, than five, than six than......only one. Looking at your surroundings, you saw your footprints in the ground before you and it hit you. You’d been walking in circles the whole time and the silhouette was still there.

“Hello?” You called out, not sure as to whether or not the silhouette really was there.

Without a verbal response, the figure disappeared only to reappear a few feet in front of you.

You jumped back in shock but quickly regained your balance as you studied the person before you. It was a boy, looking to be around your age, with a questioning look on his face as he looked at you. “Who are you?”

“I could ask you the same question.”

“I asked you first!”

“And I’m in charge of this island!”

“You? In charge of an island? What is this Neverland?” You rolled your eyes at the possibility. Neverland was a place made up so that kids could fall asleep. Not a real place that you could visit.

“Yes it is, and I run things around here so tell me, who are you.” The boy replied, emphasizing his last three words as he spoke.

“As if, what’s next? You call your little Lost Boys to come prove to me?” You scoffed. To believe that you were on Neverland was already too much and all you wanted was to get home to the Enchanted Forest but it seems you’re stuck playing pretend with a boy who doesn’t want to grow up. A shame really

Smirking, the boy simply pressed two fingers to your forehead and before you could even say something, your mind went foggy and your vision was filled with black.

- To say you got off on a rough start was an understatement. The two of you were constantly at each other’s neck while he kept you on the island, the camp specifically, and didn’t let you leave due to belief that you were a spy of some sorts. Not that he had anything to hide. Not yet at least.

- As time went on however, the two of you had begun to form a friendship. It wasn’t anything big or odd, but it was definitely new. He’d be less of an ass to you and let you explore the island on your own (with some exception).

- Upon finding your out about your hobbies, he would discreetly try to surprise you with materials to help you engage in them even if Neverland’s magic still had some restrictions. He would still try to the best of his abilities.

I also ship you with....

Blaise Zabini

- Losing was one thing Blaise never took lightly. Competitive he was but even with his ambition and skill, it was the mundane things that revolved around luck that often made him lose. Like the stupid bet he made with Theo on whether Gryffindor would win or lose where the loser would have to make a full four course meal complete with drinks for all the Slytherins in their year. Unfortunately for him, he had lost unlike Gryffindor and now here he was, spending his Saturday afternoon in the kitchens and a cookbook Pansy had given him “to help”.

- Blaise didn’t know what he’d see upon entering kitchen. He was sure to see a few House Elves, perhaps he could ask them for help, but what he didn’t except was to see you standing in front of the stove with a pot spilt cleanly in half somehow and a fire burning below. And to make matters worst, you were simply standing there as if you had been frozen.

“Hey watch out!” He called out as a flame went up towards you. Pushing you out the way just in time, he managed to save you from the burn in return of him getting burned.

“Fuck.” He hissed out in pain. Gripping his arm as he put out the fire with his wand before dropping it on the ground.

Without a word, you simply grabbed your wand and waved it above his burn. You seemed to be muttering something, a spell of some sort, as a cooling sensation covered his wound. Looking down, he was shocked to see that the burn was actually healing.

“How, how did you.... Thank you.”

“I was practicing a charm, fire control, but thank you for the concern.”

Feeling sheepish for thinking that you didn’t have it under control, he ended up excusing himself from the kitchen to head back to his dorm where his friends immediately pounced on the chance to tease him for a variety of reasons.

- The next day, instead of going to Hogsmeade with his friends, Blaise stayed back at the castle to catch up on a paper he had failed to submit on time. Deciding on going to the library, sh was disappointed to see that almost all of the tables were taken. All but one in the far back corner. Quickly heading towards it, a sigh left his lips as someone dropping their book bag into the table beat him to the table: you.

“Oh did you need the table? I can leave if you’d like?”“ You said upon noticing him standing in front of the table.

“No, no it’s alright I just uh, planned on finishing a paper for Flitwick’s class.” He admitted.

“You can have a seat if you’d like, I’ll just be doing my own work and you can do yours.” You kindly offered and Blaise gladly accepted. He really need to finish this paper or else he’s be kicked off the Quidditch team so while he didn’t get the complete privacy he originally wanted, he’s fine with this.

As the two of you worked in quiet, occasionally Blaise would sneak glances your way which you ended up catching once.

“Hi.” was all you managed to muster out as you tried to contain the wide smile that wanted yo grow on your face.

Trying his best to not chuckle at your slightly flustered state, he mirrored your smile as he replied with a “Hello.”

[labarboteuse]

Sonate au Clair de Lune (Richard “Dick” Winters x OC)

Hello everyone ! Here is a little something with our favorite ginger-head nobody asked for. I've been wanting to try something for a while now, so here it is, see you at the end of the chapter. Enjoy !x 💕

As always, there’s no disrespect towards the real men of the company. It’s only based on their portrayals in the mini serie

Taglist : @supervalcsi  @ourmiraclealigner | Let me know if you want to be added. 😊

Warning : evocation of a dramatic war event

Sitting on a chair among the audience, Jeanne was stood straight as possible to see the scene where the orchestra was playing composition of Beethoven. As a linen maid in a Parisian hotel, she had spared money for months with her two friends and colleagues Gisèle and Solange to have the chance to afford an entrance for tonight’s performance at the Opera Garnier. Her family had never been rich, but she had received an education and music had been part of the instruction for the girls. She had quickly developed a passion for music but never had the financial means to learn to play an instrument or to attend performances.

The first notes of the “Moonlight Sonata” resounded in the Italian style theatre. Shivers came over her as she unconsciously played with the fabric of her little purse on her lap. Jeanne loved this piece that gave her a deep calm, whenever she felt bad, she would play the notes in her head to calm herself. As the composition was coming to an end, it provided to her a feeling of nostalgia, she thought to her parents she hadn’t seen for a while, her parents she had left few years ago to gain the capital city hoping it would be easier to find a job. Her parents had pushed her to leave the countryside in the Southwest of France where they were living, when she was 19 years old, convinced that she would have a better life by reaching Paris. No one had imagined that barely two years after her arrival war would be declared and that a little less than a year later the city would be under German occupation for the next four years. When Jeanne had arrived, she had to live for a few weeks on the meagre savings her parents had given her, then she finally found a small job as a linen maid in a hotel where she met Gisèle and Solange, the three of them having since become inseparable.

Her thoughts lulled by the music made her forget time and it was only when Solange gently pressed her arm that she came back to reality and realized that the performance was over. She gave her friend a friendly smile and stood up putting her brown coat back on before following her friends towards the exit.

She took advantage of each second passed in the building on her way out to admire the architectural beauty of the place she will not see again so soon. Once the three friends outside, they stopped at the foot of the stairs the time Gisèle lights her cigarette.

“C’était merveilleux!” - “It was wonderful!” exclaimed Solange. Jeanne laughed in front of the sparkling eyes of her friend, who had never had the chance to attend this kind of event either.

“Je suis d’accord, c’était magnifique, j’en ai eu des frissons.” - “I agree, it’s was beautiful, I got chills.” Jeanne passed her hands on her arms with a smile on her face.

Gisèle blew the smoke from her cigarette and nodded her head.

“C’est toi que nous devons remercier pour nous avoir persuadé de venir.”  - “We have you to thank for convincing us to attend.” She said to Jeanne and made a small reverence to her friend which made the three of them laugh.

People would walk by and sometimes look at them with curiosity, sometimes with a haughty look. It was the kind of event that attracted the Parisian gratin, dressed in their most beautiful clothes and adorned with their finest jewellery. And sometimes among this worldliness were simple people who had saved months or even a year to afford a place among the least expensive. Needless to say, Jeanne and her friends made a splash among the crowd.

“Allons-nous en avant qu’ils n’appellent la Maréchaussée pour nous évacuer.” - “We should go before they called the police to evacuate us.”  Gisèle mocked sarcastically.

The three girls laughed before leaving arm in arm. It was getting late but the city was far from sleeping, yet they had to return to their sinister little room on the top floor of an old building because they were starting their day very early. Gisèle and Solange separated from Jeanne once they arrived at their subway station to be able to return to their neighbourhood.

The young women kissed each other before saying good night. Once her two friends had left, Jeanne decided to walk along the Seine and enjoy the clear night and the beauty of the city before returning to her bed.

 As she walked along the quays, she couldn't help but admire the people around her who were enjoying the evening on the terraces of the illuminated bars and restaurants, life went back to normal. Since the Liberation in August, she enjoyed wandering the streets of Paris, especially in the evenings when it was less crowded and it was easier to admire the architectural gems without being pushed around by passers-by. She took pleasure in rediscovering this City of Light that had lost its luster during the past four years. Four years under occupation, fear, constant surveillance, violence generated by the reprisals of German soldiers against the resistance movements of civilians, attacks, shortages and rationing that had led a large part of the population to turn to the black market to provide for their needs, which Jeanne had been a victim of. Her meager salary already did not allow her to live a decent life, she had believed that she would not survive this.

Like many inhabitants, she had been a witness of the arrests of the Vel' d'Hiv’ Roundup in 1942, an event that had deeply marked the population, many of whom had bitter memories. A deep sadness invaded her thinking of all these victims, which gave her a shiver and she tightened her coat around her.

And then came August of that year 1944, the city had been liberated and Jeanne still remembered the feeling of relief.

Lost in her thoughts and without looking where she was going, she didn’t see the silhouette which also didn't look where it was going and ran into it.

The shock made her drop her bag and the program of the evening that she was still holding in her hands as if to prove to herself that the evening had indeed taken place. She crouched down to pick up her things and her head hit the head of the person she had collided with. She held her hand to her forehead and grimaced, releasing a sound of pain. The man had also crouched down to pick up her belongings and stammered something in English that sounded like an apology.

She stood up at the same time as he did, his head down, he glanced at the program he had in his hands and a small smile stretched his lips before straightening his head towards her.

“Sonata No. 14?”

A shy smile was born on her lips and she gently nodded her head, she may not have been bilingual but the music with this universal aspect made her understand what he had said. He gently handed her the booklet and she gently grabbed it and they stood there for a few seconds without either of them letting go of the paper and looking into each other's eyes. Finally, almost embarrassed, he nodded his head without letting go of his little smile and moved aside, passing by her to get back on his way, without taking his eyes off her before finally turning around so as not to bump into someone again.

Jeanne lowered her head towards the program cover with her shy smile still clinging to her lips, a strange feeling in her chest.

She finally returned home without any further incident and went to bed that night-joyful, not really knowing if it was because of her evening or her brief encounter with that soldier.

 ___

The next day she hurried to the hotel where she worked to take her shift. When she arrived she saw that the girls had already arrived and she hastened to take off her coat and put on her black apron, she had lost a few minutes in the subway and this made her arrive slightly late. When she met Solange on the service staircase, she learned that Louise, the fourth girl on the team, was sick and that they had divided up the rooms she should have taken care of between them three.

Jeanne hurried to fetch the clean towels to prepare the rooms before new customers arrived. In her haste she forgot to go upstairs one floor more and opened the door of the second room on the third floor, thinking it was the fourth. She didn't even realize that the door hadn't been locked, so there must was already someone in. She walked towards the bed and bent down to put down the towels on it when she stopped and slowly turned her head over a brown uniform lying there. She was abruptly struck by her stupidity and suddenly straightened herself up, perhaps a little too much, as she stumbled over a pair of boots and was about to finish her fall on her buttocks when she was caught by an arm that slipped around her waist.

Surprised, she quickly deviated of it and apologized, her babbling doesn't really wanted to meant something. She retrieved the towels from the bed before turning around and coming face to face with the same man as the evening before. He was only wearing a white shirt and a black underwear, he was probably in the bathroom when she entered that’s why she didn’t noticed someone was there.

“Vous ?” - “You?”

It was the mysterious stranger she had bump the night before. The same red hair, the same blue-grey eyes and that embarrassed smile so touching.

“Are you following me?” He asked both embarrassed and amused at the same time.

“Pardon ? Non !” - “Sorry?No!”

She tried to add something but nothing came out of her mouth and she shook her confused head.  

“I’m sorry I didn’t know this room was occupied.” She explained herself with a rather wobbly accent, which he found quite charming and which slightly stretched his smile.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine.”

Like the day before, they looked at each other in the whites of their eyes without saying anything, and then finally regaining the use of her limbs and speech, she walked towards the door, still stammering.

“I’m Dick.”

Even him was surprised of the words which came out of his mouth, what’s the point of telling her? He asked for himself. Also surprised of his words she turned towards him and it took her a moment before reacting.

“Jeanne.” She finally said calmly before rushing out, feeling her cheeks usually pale white turning into crimson red, so she hurried out before he noticed and that she looked ridiculous, at least more than she already did.

Dick looked at her in amusement and his gaze remained for a few seconds riveted on the door that had just closed.  

“Jeanne.” He says soflty to himself, a smile on the corner of his lips.  

 ____________________________________________

It's up to you! Do you think it's better to stop there? 🤔 Or how do you see a potential sequel? 😊

Throw me your ideas, they are the ones that will determine the rest of the story! Or not, it's up to you!🤷🏼‍♀️ It's your story!😉

[theravencawsatmidnight]

Kentarou is a delinquent werewolf who was taken in by Reader. Hes in his second year of highschool, a track kid whos involved with the wrong crowd. Till he meets the Schools volleyball Ace.

Part Four

Kyotani x Hajime

It was after school now and Kyotani was waiting for Hajime outside the school like he asked him too. Hands in his pockets and cigarette in his mouth with an angry expression on his face. He was only going for the food, thats it.   He groaned into the stone wall he was leaning on , switching his cigarette to the other side of his mouth with his tongue when Ayme ran over hugging his hips and dipping her fingertips into his pants. 

 “Let go” he told her, shimmying away  to lean back again.

“What are you doing ? we gotta get ready fo the party” she told him a little huffy.

“What party” he asked, puffing out smoke through his teeth, he could feel his wolf was agitated, he always was when Ayme was around him. 

Aymes parties were not parties, anything but; everyone was drunk or high and grinding on each other. Kyotani could not get drunk anymore since he was a werewolf so he just stuck to smoking his cigs while everyone practically threw themselves at him. He did not care much for it and often left unsatisfied each and every time.  Ayme and her friends often tried to play on his ‘ Mad Dog’ nick name during sex and it just pissed him and his wolf off more. His wolf tried to take over one time and Kyotani had to force him back down , he had never had to do it before and trying to focus while he had girls on him was not easy. He left as soon as he could to go change in the woods and kill something.

“My partry!! I told you about it at lunch!” 

“Mm..” he was looking around now.

“I know you dont drink but cmon baby.” she moved back to him touching his belt. “I promise this will be different”

 “Oh yeah?” he looked down at her puffing smoke in her face

“Ack.. yes! We were talking and… what if we let you tie us up?”

“Id tie you sluts to the bed and leave” Hajime was finally coming into view

“Hmph!” Ayme stepped back folding her arms. “Just you wait , youll show up at my door one day begging for me” her tone changed and she ran a hand down his tone chest. “And you can do whatever you want big boy”

“Am i interrupting something?” Hajime came over to see Kyotani looking very pissed off and Ayme touching his hips. 

“yes you are!” she told him “we -”

Kyotani pushed her off and started walking. “ no, were done talking”

“Hey! Kyotani! Just cuz your a third year doesn't mean you can interrupt !”

Hajimie flashed her a smile “ sorry, but i have no idea who you are” and left to catch up with Kyotani.

**

Hajime jogged over to the angry boy and slowed to a walk next to him.

“So are you gonna ask where my house is or are you gonna walk around aimlessly?” Kyo puffed some smoke looking in the other direction.

“Do you need to let anyone know your not going right home?”

“Pfft..”

“Hey uh, you think you could put that out?”

Kyotani stopped walking to give Hajime a glare, his cigarette shining bright red at the end. Hajime stopped and gave Kyotani a happy grin. “Smoking is bad man, pretty please? “

“Screw off” 

Hajime got closer, rubbing on Kyotanis side whispering in his ear . “for me? Mad Dog?”

He jumped in his skin feeling goosebumps travel from his neck to his chest . “the fucks your problem?” Kyo said moving away hitting a stone wall leaving him no options for a exit. Hajime walked over cornering him but left his left side open , 

 “Im just looking out for you.” he flashed a smile and Kyotani felt his wolf stur around in him, he felt slightly aroused as well. Why though? The fuck. This was just some volleyball kid , no one important. He didnt need anyone, not you , not Ayme and not him.

“ i can look after myself”

“Even when your backs against the wall?”

“Yes”

Hajime backed off giving Kyotani some space. “Look. you can damage your body over time by smoking, happend to my dad ,thats all. “ he looked away scratching the back of his head talking a little low. “Just dont want to lose you yet , you seem cool..”

Kyotani had enhanced hearing thanks to his wolf and Hajimes words made his heart skip a beat, he could call him out on it if he wanted to . but he was confused by these feelings.

“What?” was what he finally said.

“Nothing, you like hamima chicken?”

“Fuck yes i do”

“Good! Cuz i've got plenty” 

Kyotani watched Hajime walk past him with a smile on his face. Kyotani stood there for a minute trying to focus on his wolf. “ knock it off…” he told himself as he flicked his cigarette away to catch up with Hajime.

**

Kyotani was sitting at the island in Hajimes kitchen watching him make the Hamima chicken, no one else was home yet so it was just them, his wolf was still on edge and he was even more aroused now. What was his problem? Its just Hajime, no one important.  Kyotani caught himself looking at the boys chest a alot and his arms, so tone.. Lean.. fuck. He shook his head and looked down pulling out his phone.

Kyotani/ Ma

Y.n/ yes kyo? Are you alright?

Kyotani/ im at a 

He looked up to see Hajime still cooking , he looked down at his phone again.

Kyotani/ im at a friends house, his name is Hajime so ill be home later

You were at work staring at your phone with utter disbelief on your face. Kyo never told you where he was or texted you.  And it was a boys home and not that.. Ayme girl.

Y.n/ okay Kyo, ill see you tonight, have a good time. 

Kyotani looked up again to see the food in front of him on a plate with a water and Hajime leaning on the table looking pretty smug.  Kyotani picked up the food taking a rough bite out of it. “Like it ?” Hajime asked coming around the island to sit next to the quiet boy.

“Its fine” 

“Just fine? Im hurt.”

“Pft..” Kyotani looked away still eating and felt a finger on his cheek scoop up some food . Kyotani looked back to see Hajime eating the piece of chicken. His face felt like it was on fire , Hajime leaned close to Kyotani whispering in his ear. 

“You can at least say it tastes good… i worked so hard on it”

“Maybe you need to pull it out of me”

“Oh yeah?” Hajime smirked moving back a bit. “Throw a dog a bone?

Kyotani was feeling very flustered and aroused at everything happening. Never before had he had any interest in guys, his wolf was not fighting it or trying to rip him to shreds . Hajime leaned back in his seat spreading his legs slightly and leaning on the island. Kyotani put his food down and looked Hajime up and down, his wolf forcing him up off the chair.

“Cmere Mad Dog” Hajime said low.

His wolf forced him to take a step forward , Kyotani gripped the island leaning down so he was eye level with the smirking boy.  

 “Yes?” Hajime asked, leaning forward taking in Kyotanis scent.” you smell like cigarettes”

“I dont care, i -..” his voice trailed off once he felt Hajime brush his lips against his. Kyotani sucked in air and Hajime pulled him on his lap . “cmon Mad Dog, loosen up for me” he lightly pressed his lips against the confused boys mouth. 

“Ff!” Kyotani stumbled into the boys lap falling into his kiss. He laid his arms on the boys shoulders, kissing him back , his wolf was rejoicing inside him, he never felt better than he does right now. Normally he would make Kyotani growl at Ayme and her slutty friends but right now he was pushing Kyotani in more,

 Kyotani pulled away breathing through his mouth staring at the boy in front of him watching him lick his lips and bite the bottom one. Hajime rested his hands on the tall boys hips leaning back in the chair rubbing in little circles with his thumbs.

“You haven't killed me yet” The smug boy said.

“Shut up..” Kyotani sat down on the boys lap looking everywhere but him, he could feel his gaze on him though.

“Have you never kissed a guy before?”

Kyotani growled looking back at the boy and Hajime pursed his lips together smiling big. 

“Im flattered, “

“Pft..” 

“I guess i shouldint of done that, your girlfriend will be upset”

“Girlfriend?”

“That girl touching you after school”

Kyotani clicked his tongue leaning forward a bit till their elbows connected. “Shes not my girlfriend, just a quick fuck.” his lips were tingling from the kiss still.”unsatisfying fuck” He added, even though it was not really necessary . 

Hajime pulled Kyotani closer, smelling the cigarettes in his clothes still, he looked down looking for the pack of smokes on his person. Kyotani’s heart was racing. He wanted more, why ? why was his wolf trying to get him to do more?  It felt nice .. was that it? Feeling nice is .. nice…

 Kyotanis hands lingered down from Hajimes shoulders to his neck drifting down to the boys chest , his thumbs pulling it up. He had gotten the shirt half way up taking in his tone chest. From all that stupid volleyball obviously. No cuts or anything , no bruises.. His left hand held the shirt up while his right one felt all around the boys chest. He could hear Hajime breathing pick up in his ear and Kyotanis heart was going nuts, he ran his fingers all along his chests slowly… slowly moving down to his pants. His fingers gliding along the black belt.  

 Hajime had found the pack of smokes in Kyotanis pocket and reached in taking them out and holding them up leaning back in the chair, he also pulled his shirt back down .

  “This needs to stop, if you want to do more”

“Excuse me?”

“The smoking”

“What makes you think i want to do more huh ?”

Hajime patted the boys hips with his free hand . “still sitting on me”

“Shut up..” he got up off the boys lap walking into the island.

“And well..” he pouted when he saw his lap was empty , “you were getting pretty handsy” Hajime looked up and lifted his shirt teasing the werewolf. “Pretty sure i felt hands on my belt too”

Kyotani huffed looking away at the fridge ignoring the arousal in his pants. Hes just another guy, no one important. Just take the smokes back Kyotani..

 “Im unsure about all of this”  he finally said.

“Im okay with friends with benefits, but the smoking needs to stop” Hajime got up still holding the pack. 

 “Fine”

“Fineeee?”

“Ill stop fucking smoking”

He held the pack out shaking it around lightly. “Break each and everyone one of these sticks in here if your serious”

Kyotani snatched the smokes from him opening it up , he reached for one and stopped to stare at the 7 smokes.  Its not like he paid for these smokes, Ayme always supplied him with them. He would never get sick from them because of his wolf so he could technically keep doing it without a problem… but … Hajime would smell it on him and .. he cant say why he wont get sick..He pulled a couple out of the pack halfway and broke them. Why..?  why was he..? A couple more snapped. He never listened to what anyone said, so why was he doing this? Why did he care? Another, one left.  Something about snapping these smokes was .. relieving. His wolf was happy and he felt stronger. Snap.  the pack fell on the island and Hajime smiled up at the angry boy. 

 “You actually did it.”

“Were you expecting me not too ?”

Hajime got closer to the boy running a hand up and down his chest. “Yeah if im honest, felt like you were gonna tell me to fuck off”

“Pft..” Kyotani touched Hajimes chest lifting the shirt again. 

“Like what you see?” he teased pulling Kyotani closer

“Shut up”

“Cmon… be a good boy for me” He whispered in his ear

Kyotani felt his cock feel hot at those words, good...boy..

“Sit down then.”

Hajime pulled back sitting back in his chair , his arm leaning on the island to support his head, he rubbed his lap slowly. “Okay, sitting.”

Kyotani rubbed his shoulder trying to ignore the tension in his pants. “Can you..”

“Hmm? “Say it again.”

“Say what? Be a good boy for me?” His cock was straining against his pants now. “Yes , christ. Yes okay?”

Hajime straightened out on the chair leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “Cmon Kyotani, be a good boy for me”

 “..ff.. Fuck..” Kyotani swatted the boys arms away and sat down on his lap , Hajime grabbed his hips kissing him again . he leaned back in the chair smirking , pulling Kyotani closer slipping his tongue in his mouth.

[lostadrianda]

The house of wolves

Part I

*версия на русском языке по ссылке:

https://ficbook.net/readfic/8551009

There are dark times. I thought that the death of my parents was the worst thing I would ever see in my life. But now it's so bad… I have to admit that it's worse.

Smoke from the fire rises into the sky, twisting and dragging sparks with it. An axe clatters, and a tree falls with a crunch, breaking neighboring branches. I have almost no life left in me. Almost nothing is inside. People are scurrying around. The camp is growing in front of our eyes, turning from a temporary to our permanent campsite. I look at it, trying to figure out what’s going on. I'm not used to being in camps. The detachments held out successfully for four years in the Dominiana, where we took over the houses, and everything went well. But recently we were forced out of those lands, and the Sly Fox moved all of us to the Islands. It seems to be logical decision. But on the Islands we are not welcome. We could have gone to the south to sparsely populated areas and stayed there. However, we did not do this. But why?

I was the only one who seemed to be asking questions. I don't know. I didn't have much contact with anyone from the camp. I glance at the people sitting next to me. Their faces are dry and earthy. Only the reddish glare of the fire is on them. And their eyes are fixed. You always had to keep in mind that those were wolves around you, not people. They look alike, they even show humanity from time to time. It's all a lie. And if there is any kindness in someone, it will soon be beaten out of them. It's the only way around here. I am among the enemy, I am in their ranks. I help put up new tents. But I have a feeling that I will soon be finished with. It's about time. But the Sly Fox keeps stalling. I think he understands how much this torments me. That's why he keeps me close to him. He's not stupid, no. Therefore, his decisions are not discussed.

It's funny that the Fox has committed so many crimes, but if somebody asks to show the main bastard, everyone will point the finger at me. I betrayed my family. Not native, adopted. Yes, they are all dead now, too. I guess my life didn't work out. But I didn't betray anyone. When the door was kicked in and twenty men entered with the Fox at their head, it was all over. There was nothing I could do about it, no matter how much I think about it. I pretended that I always hated my new parents. And I joined the side of the enemy. I should have given my sister time to escape. I didn't expect much more. I didn't think about anything. I didn't think I'd have to break into houses like this with the others. That now I will always hear the sound of those black boots wherever I go. I didn't think I'd have to run around in the woods. I didn’t know I'd be stuck with them for five years. I thought they would kill me that night, in the same house, as soon as they realized what I had done. But they did not understand or pretended not to understand. They still look askance. And I'm not allowed to be absolutely free. The Sly Fox sometimes calls me, asks questions, and I answer, but I keep waiting for the punishment to come. And he lets me go. During all this time, not a single suspicion was expressed. And he's smart. And there is nothing left for me, I am in his hands, always in his sight, even if he is watching me with a hundred other people's eyes, wolf eyes. He is always somewhere above me, behind me. All the time my life is suspended, and I know it.

My only hope is that my sister will return. I have nothing else left. Everything is so empty. And I’m doing something wrong. I close my eyes so that I don't see anything, so that I don't understand what is happening to me. Because as soon as I start thinking, it turns me inside out. When I forget myself, I gather wood for a fire, go with others and scout the area around the camp, draw some maps. And everything seems to be as it should be. I make an obedient and silent employee, everyone is happy, I do not interfere with anyone. The whole body shakes, as if with a strong chill, and no fire warms. So something inside is resisting. It remembers, and remembers well, that the Sly Fox is the enemy. That he killed a lot of people. But he's good, he's built everything right. He's got an army of about three thousand men, and they all look at him and catch every word. Only one person I've ever known, only one person in my entire life, could stand up to him. And this is my sister. Isn’t it funny, huh? As I remember her, thin, fragile, as I look at the Fox… I can't believe it. But that’s true. Her playful dark eyes flashed with such power sometimes that I was willing to believe that she would overcome anyone. And every time I look at the Fox, I always look at the scar on his cheek. My sister left this for him as a souvenir.

But I haven't heard from her in five years. It's too long to wait, you know? A person waits, waits for a week, a month, maybe a year… And then begins to live, throwing a veil of oblivion over the past. Only I never started again. The air balloon ends sooner or later, you know? And I'm still trying to grab the mask and breathe, breathe. Nothing is inside. In the camp, when people talk about her, all they say is that she must have been dead for a long time. I wished they say something else, even nonsense. Nooo. There are no other options in anyone's mind. Only my brains resist. Things can't be that bad. No matter how much life beats me, I won't believe it. It can't be that bad.

Smoke from the fire gets in my nose. It's getting colder, the earth is blowing in autumn, and the leaves are not the same as before. I rub my flushed hands together. The Islands don't like us. We are like an ulcer on their body. We tried to move deeper into the mountains and fortify ourselves. Fifty of our men were killed in two days. A couple of detachments remained in the dense forests at the foot of the mountain, while the rest were scattered along the coasts hiding. We choose places so that we are not found for as long as possible. And it’s strange that the Fox ordered us to fortify ourselves here. But let hell be with it.

The sky has been cloudy all the time we've been here. Today, for the first time, I see the sun shining. Even now you can't see the sky — it's all white, with darker clouds floating across it. The horizon is dark-blue, grim, colliding with an even darker, colder sea. I look into the distance and for the first time I think that my sister must be dead. It scares so much. It's like I'm no longer a human being and I'm becoming a wolf, like all those people around me. That’s really scary. For some reason everything turns to be meaningless. No, I won't give them my soul. They took everything from me, but they won't get it. I will believe till the end. I will resist until I lose my mind. Why am I sitting now here with them, as if I really took their side?

It makes me feel sick. I kept hiding in their ranks and waiting for my sister to break out. Five years have passed. Time flies quickly, terribly, the further away, the more ghostly. I forget how it all happened, I forget why it happened, I forget what a mistake we made. I still think that I did everything right. I acted as I should. As well as I could. But for some reason, it all turned out to be really bad.

If I am the only one left here, who is still fighting, who still remembers that there were better, brighter times, if my sister is dead, and no one is fighting without her, isn't it time for me to get up? Isn't it time to remember who I was and how I was brought up, and what was on my mind before I got bogged down in this mire? I'm biting my lip nervously, they are already looking at me with suspicion.

What a coward I have become! Just thinking makes my temples sweat. I’m used to waiting for a miracle, but as soon as I imagined that I had to act myself, I shrank from fear and wanted to hide away. If only they didn't touch me, if only, if only... I did not to experience new horrors. You don't like me, do you? Despise? Look at me, all that is left of me is my skin, hanging on my bones! These wolves, damn them, have broken me so badly that none of my old friends would recognize me. But what good are these friends: they're either dead or they're first in line to take my head off.

I stand up from the log I've been sitting on all this time and feel my legs go numb. They are frozen to the bones. I stand still to stretch them a little. The two men sitting next to me look at me lazily.

— Where are you going? – Their cracked lips move, yellow teeth appear in between them. Those men probably don't like camp life either. And how long this will continue, no one knows.

— I'll go up to the river. There's one place I don't understand, I want to look at it.

— Don't run into anyone. We don't need you to bring the villagers here.

I nod. I don't get into fights, I don't get involved. Everything I have inside, I keep inside, and it’s a habit that has covered me like armor. I walk past the tents, from campfire to campfire, and turn onto the path that leads higher. I climb up and look back. Lights, trampled paths, people. I'm sick to death of such views. The further away from them, the better it is. I know I'll be back anyway. It's sickening. But the closer I get to them, the more I can learn about the outside world. I'm still waiting for news. At least one piece of news about my sister would be great. No one else will tell me. Only sitting by the fire I learn something new. Everyone in the outside world that I strive for hates me so much that they won't hesitate when they see me. They’ll kill me instantly. Here in the squads, I'm just one of hundreds. To the outside world, I stand in one line with the Fox. And he is happy for this — to keep a traitorous son and show everyone that even I recognized his power.

[sirro85-blog]

Dark Horses 6

So, what are the Xhost? Now, so long after they have left the stars it's a question that can be asked.

The Xhost were an idea that became a cult, if humans are more durable and Rhul are faster and Biviladi are more adaptable to environmental changes what if instead of celebrating the diversity we examined the discrepancies and found a common ground?

A noble thought, corrupted, corrupted into the Xhost where races were genetically modified to be a bit of everything, differences were no longer celebrated as part of a more fantastic whole but instead were vilified as non-conforming.

To the Xhost purity was required, variation was the enemy.

Kovac sat against the wall looking at his friends, Wolf shook his head and turned to Dorman for support.

"No," said Kovac, " you both have opinions and you're both entitled to them, but you're wrong.

It's as simple as this. Iron man is the greatest superhero, all those with superpowers built in can fuck right off, if your solution to a problem is punching harder then you're not a solution. Iron man's super power is thinking better than all of the others, he figures stuff out, after that his inventions win fights. All the other smart guys either have powers or their limited, I mean Batman isn't a one man army. Reed Richards works stuff out then relies on being Mr Fantastic to solve the problem.

Also Tony fights butt naked and the rest don't."

Kovac looked at his friends and smiled at their faces, "look it's this simple, your mind, the human mind is the greatest weapon in the galaxy. Now the second lesson I have to teach you is this simple, no matter what your taste in music one song needs special attention."

"We Will Rick You, by Queen will be remembered as a Pride song but it shouldn't be. What really matters is the solo or fade out; that piece of guitar play by May...everything else is just delivery for that.

Finally, if you're not happy, watching bad television at 0400 with you're partner then you're relationship won't last, if their presence doesn't bring you joy then move on.

Right that's about it, that's my life time knowledge, guess we should see this out then." Kovac stood.

Outside the Xhost forces had swept across the continent.

"Major, you know that the General will mobilise to defend us, even with the bones of a brigade. Major General Michaela Jones will be here," Wolf said.

"I know Wolf, the question has always been how do we drive the Xhost back? They control more sectors than the Rhul and the Flet together, they control more planet's than the Korlax."

"They've never defeated the Galactic Council forces though." Dorman countered.

"Well that's not strictly true, they've never won a war against the GCDF but they've always required mobilising core divisions and I hate to say it but that means human troops, we're the backbone of the GCDF without our presence the Xhost have seen success."

"You really don't think we can save the Towoli? Or the EDC?" Wolf asked morose.

"With a squadron of combat engineers? No." The Major was terse in his response.

Captain Becca looked out at the gathering darkness, "three days to capture the Towoli and secure the cities, so on the fourth day they turn around and hit the EDC, they're dug in now, so they last, maybe another four days and then it us. In this position we can last, maybe three days. That gives the Major-general two weeks, to raise at least a brigade and to get to us..." the question hung in the air unasked.

Kovac puffed out his cheeks, and rubbed his right forearm. "Remember in the 88th there became this belief that I'd pull it out of the fire, everytime it looked impossible odds you'd hear the men, "trust in kovac" I have that faith in Michaela Jones. Our only job right now is to keep open this beach head so she can land the troops. Now I've shared my life's wisdom with you, who has any other nuggets to share?"

Sergeant Major Panther had her own meeting with her sergeants, the needs of various troops and sections were discussed and the talk turned to how long they could hold out, "Captain says three at a push, but knowing the Major, if say closer to five."

"It'll take them a week to roll the Towoli and the EDC so by the end of the second week it'll be all over," said Sergeant Webb.

"No, you're forgetting Webb, we've got Kovac, 'keep calm and trust in Kovac' I've been saying that for over ten years now and I'll keep saying as long as he keeps earning my damn faith." Knickers glared at her fellow sergeants, "what was it he always said? It's us, it's us the 88th, well now it's us the Dark Horses but it's still us, we're still the real first in last out and we're still fighting fit and fucking ugly, Kovac will know what to do and when he asks us to do the impossible we'll deliver."

Panther grinned, "Exactly, so get out there and tell that to the men, wipe their little faces, help them blow their noses and smack the heads that need smacking, we are the Dark Horses and we will do what is needed."

"Except the Major is sitting there saying the same about the General," Webb said, "you all know I love the man, he's personally saved my life four times that I can count, if anyone can save us he can...but he isn't trying to. He's not even mentioned trying to save the Towoli and the EDC, he's said we use them as cannon fodder. Our hope is that we get rescued by the woman we walked away from to follow Kovac."

The sergeant-major stared at her sergeants, she seemed at a loss for what to say.

"I'll keep my faith thank you Webb. You're not wrong, yet, but I'll put my trust in Kovac."

Corporal Grey was growing weary of banging heads, the men were despondent and grumbling. The leader they trusted beyond all others was finally cornered and they could all see it. He watched as Captain Dorman walked away from the Major looking down-trodden, after a few steps the officer managed to organise himself and he straightened his shoulders and put his head up...keeping up appearances.

"I hear you're out of ideas and we're all fucked," said a coarse voice behind Kovac.

"Hello RQ," said Kovac without turning round, "and do you believe it?"

"Of course not, you need extra arms for all the tricks up your sleeves," scoffed the Quartemaster, "but they do, the rank, which I'm guessing is the point."

"They're good people, good people don't become monsters without falling down first, I need them to be monsters, they have to lose hope so when I throw them a cobra for a life line they grab it."

"What's the plan troop?"

"The secret to Xhost success is that the Xhost have their own supply of fuel, took us a while to realise what it was, now they use a variety of tricks but the basic component is Phosphene gas, toxic and smells like rotten fish half the time. So the finest galactic scientists looked at how they could inhibit their engines, how they could stop the Xhost fuelling their war machine, they failed. Then a human looked at it, her solution was deemed too heinous, the very suggestion caused humanity some problems, as we were suddenly seen as viscious and evil."

"What was her solution?"

"Chemistry, it's beyond me but...have you ever heard of White Phosphorus?"

The Qm blanched, "really!? That's your solution?"

"Turn their fuel into chemical weapons, I just need men desperate enough to agree to it."

"Kovac..."

Kovac turned to look at the Qm, "first time you've ever called me that, look, we can sit here and let the Xhost slaughter the Towoli and the EDC or we can act, to save innocent lives, maybe we need to be less innocent."

The Qm was quiet a moment and then sighed, "you think we have to?"

"I do."

"Alright then," she touched his arm and left him.

Kovac stared into the gathering gloom, "Clausewitz never finished and Ludendorff was a bastard who lost," he seemed to mutter to himself.

Later Kovac would say it was almost sad how quickly his men agreed to his plan, but they did. So within 6 hours his troops were prepared and moving out.

Before dawn the Dark Horses had returned to their fortifications, none of the normal a activities were on display, showing pride in a job we'll done. Instead the attitude was grim, an unpleasant job but one needing done.

Outside in the skies and on the ground, the Xhost burned, White Phosphorus burns on contact with air and it can burn even human flesh to the bone. Steel melts at half the temperature of burning white phosphorus.

I've seen artists renderings of the human construct of hell, the day the Xhost burned was brighter, hotter and there was more smoke. The issue of demons I'll leave to other scholars.

Ten days later Major General Michaela Jones landed with the 3rd army of the Galactic Defence Force to discover a smoking planet and the Towoli and EDC talking about burning skies and enemies vaporized in a wall of heat.

The Dark Horses, grim of face and closed in demeanour said nothing, they simply boarded and left with the advance ships into Xhost territory.

There is a phrase amongst those who study human kind, it's taken from their own old language, a term itself bastardised from an even older tale, "humans are space-orcs"

To humans it's funny, "the human can withstand the loss of a limb and is capable of feats of strength near impossible to other races, they fix metal into their mouths and inject their skins for aesthetic purposes...ha ha, fuck yeah we're space-orcs"

But to those of us who study, it means something different, orcs are the monsters of human fiction, rewritten and redefined they are brutal, barbarous and backwards. Their savagery and their lack of humanity is common in all their iterations. Orcs are the monsters humans see in themselves.

We space going species forget that humans may be like us in their hunt for answers but they got to this technology not through global cooperation but through war-driven advances and international tensions and competition.

They have only recently become the advanced global society we know, just under the surface lies the monster. Humans are Space Orcs.

○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●

So I know the Chemistry is a bit hinky here according to a chemist friend of mine what I've said is possible but not easily but...hey It's sci-fi.

Anyway this one ends in a dark place but it's where it went and I can't really pretend I know what I'm doing.

As always feedback is appreciated.

[feral-space-faerie]

🕯Ouija/Spirit Board Tips & Safety🕯

Ouija and spirit boards are popular tools both inside and outside the Witch and Pagan Community, as many of y'all already know. They're often the subject of controversy with the taboo of contacting spirits, the bad experiences people tell of online at our fingertips, and Hollywood making Ouija boards to blame for numerous situations gone awry. But how do we really use that in practice? What's the protocol here? I've taken the time to compile all the information I could from using Ouija boards and spirit boards over the years so that hopefully this will help younglings looking to contact spirits and to help those who are already skilled in it brush up on things they may have forgotten. (Remember, I'm not trying to force you to do these. They're more guidelines or suggestions.)

👁My first tip isn't a necessity, but I highly recommend it, and that is to make your own board and planchette. And no, I don't mean use some cardstock and some fake calligraphy on it. I'm being serious, talking to Spirits is serious business and shouldn't be taken lightly. The only time I've ever used anything other than wood is when I was practicing new Ouija designs comma and even then I used a real stretched canvas and paints that were only made with natural dyes. Use wood for your spirit boards it's optimal. I suggest wood from a type of tree that grows local to your location, so you may have to do a bit of researching.

👁My second tip for you is to make sure to cleanse your board both before and after using it. if that means taking cleansing supplies around with yourself and your bored two different locations where you plan to use it, so be it! There are several methods to Cleansing items; such as burning an incense such as sage and running the object through the smoke.

👁Tip number three is to go into your spirit board sessions with positive vibes and good intent. The spirits know if your motives are true or false, and they know if you're lying, so don't even bother with any of that nonsense.

👁Number four is to ensure that you are in a quiet, peaceful, and at least semi-private location, so that you stay in a calm state and remain focused on your intention and questions.

👁My fifth tip is to make sure your questions and / or statements are short and to the point, especially if you don't know the spirit you are currently talking to, or if you're new to using Spirit boards in general. Spirits often prefer to give simple replies because the board is limited, so try not to over-complicate things.

👁Another tip for speaking with the spirit is to never make big demands, such as saying "move something!", "speak to me/us.", or "prove you're here/real!". For starters, this can anger the spirit. Not only that, it can invite a malevolent spirit that you were merely speaking to into to your home or wherever you're using the board at, or even worse it could invite the spirit in question out so that it can invite itself into your body, or someone you know. The last thing you want is a possession on your hands.

👁Tip number seven is to never expect a spirit to communicate with you on your first, or even second try. One must remember the Ouija boards or advertised as a game, meaning people think that it's easier than it actually is. It's really not. It's a skill that has to be learned and built up, and needs to be taken seriously.

👁This next to tip should be obvious but I'm going to throw it out here anyway. Don't use the board if you are super sick or extremely fatigued or tired compared to your normal state. Most likely your session simply won't work, but you run the risk of meeting a malevolent spirit and if you're sick or tired you can become susceptible to that.

👁Another tip is one that personally I find a bit controversial, and of course I'll tell you why in a moment. But that is the tip of not using substances that can impair your judgment beforehand. What I mean by this is drugs or alcohol. They can make you susceptible to mistakes, bad experiences, malevolent spirits, and a harder time using board successfully in the future.

The reason why I believe that this is controversial is I myself am a practicing classical shaman. One thing that shamans do as a part of their spirituality is speaking with spirits, and something that many Shamans also do, for one reason or another in practice, is altering their own mind mind-state through the use of hallucinogens or other drugs, and sometimes alcohol. Someone who's called to be a shaman but never practiced should never use substances before hand,because shamans have to go through many trials and tribulations before they are skilled enough. One can't simply decide to become a shaman in order to find the loophole of using drugs and alcohol before speaking with Spirits either, one must be chosen as a shaman, and that's something that another human doesn't do for you either. It's all very very spiritual. Aside from those infected myself, I would stick to the tip of not doing so.

👁My last tip, and suitably so, is to always remember your closing. By that I mean always say goodbye, or whatever it is you're board says in order to end the session. It's very important not to leave that path open. Neglecting to close it leaves away open forced Ray spirits to come through, not all of them being friendly.

🙏Well, that was my collections of tips and safety procedures, hopefully you found this useful and informative! I enjoyed writing it, and I've been working on it for quite some time. Actually since the day I joined! I've read all the articles I could find here on the app and also and books and on the internet, and I think I've got a good list here. I have personally used spirit board since I was 17 years old, and since then have only grown stronger in my abilities. Always remember that it doesn't always work, and just because it doesn't work for you the first few times doesn't mean that it isn't possible!🙏

[jspark3000]

Hi J.S. Park! I've been reading your book "What the Church Won't Talk about..." because I am currently struggling a lot with stuff and on top of that feeling a very dry season with God. I honestly love reading through your thoughts and stories on tumblr, and reading through this book has brought me a renewed perspective on things- so thank you J.S. Park for being a light in so many lives! I don't know if you have written anywhere on it before- but have you ever shared your thoughts on shame?

Hey dear friend, thank you so much for your encouragement and your kind words. I really needed them today; it’s been a discouraging time. Also the book you’re referring to is here for anyone interested: http://www.amazon.com/What-Church-Wont-Talk-About/dp/1502529564/

Here are a few thoughts about shame:

1) Shame is a very poor motivation for long-term change.

Shame is that sick physical feeling of being washed through with a debilitating shiver; emotionally it can be an internal bomb of embarrassment, grief, anger, or regret; psychologically it feels like losing self-worth and value. We try to escape this feeling as much as we can—it’s an awful, nauseating, dizzying flush that your entire body recognizes on impact.

Shame is socially weaponized to coerce others into “doing the right thing.” Other times, it’s just to make someone feel like a terrible person, like they could never do any good. In the best case scenario, “shaming” would create the desire to reflect and change their ways for the better. It provokes a sort of social conformity in which you must fall in line for the common benefit of everyone else.

You can see shame tactics being weaponized everywhere. Think of every “public shaming” blog, made famous first by Tumblr, that calls out your fave celebrities for being problematic or mocks the guy who uses the entire four-chair table at Starbucks. Think of books like Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother or movies like Whiplash. Think of the model who was recently charged for “fat-shaming” (the actual charge was invasion of privacy, and rightly so). Think of this recent method to help quit smoking, in which if you relapse, you donate the amount of money you’ve saved off cigarettes to a campaign that you hate (this combines shame with aversion). Think of a typical evangelical preacher, who uses fear, shame, and fire-and-brimstone to manipulate you into “getting right with God.” Think of terms like “slut-shaming, virgin-shaming, gay-shaming”—and the list goes on. 

In the short term, some studies show that shame can make change. However, other studies show that shame is destructive and does permanent long-term damage. 

I believe that shame doesn’t really work as a motivation for long-term change. All it does is modify behavior to look like it’s conforming, without actually getting to the root of the issue. 

For a great talk about shame and vulnerability, watch Brene Brown’s TED Talk, the most watched TED Talk of all time. Her research is the absolute seminal work on this topic.

2) Shame and guilt are two entirely different things.

You’ve probably heard this by now, but guilt is saying, “I did something bad,” while shame is saying, “I am bad.”

It sounds like splitting hairs, but our approach to both can have entirely different outcomes. 

If we can adapt to guilt—”I did something bad”—then we can focus on the how and why of the behavior and even internally change our motivations. 

If we adapt to shame—”I am bad”—then there’s no room to look at how and why we do things, and instead can only use punishment and external deprivation to make change. This is turn only makes us craftier and more likely to suppress our true motivations without changing them.

We’ve all seen this before. You can have two people who attend church sit side-by-side who look exactly the same: they show up on time, they donate to charity, they bring coffee and donuts, they read their Bible everyday, they mow your lawn for free. But one is motivated by the anxiety of possible punishment and always compensating for a terrible gap inside them, as if they’ll always be found out. The other is motivated by doing good purely for the good in itself.

Of course, our motives are very messy and never this clear-cut. We could be a blend of both. But the next time you mess up, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Do you feel guilt or remorse or even anger about the thing you did? That’s more or less normal. Or do you disproportionately beat yourself up and wish you could disappear for a week? There’s probably buried shame that’s been carved into you by condemning voices over a lifetime—and really that’s no fault of your own. Many of us have been indoctrinated since birth to only respond to shame, and so we’ve become maladaptive.

3) Shame, despite its damage and ineffectiveness, still points to something deep and true.

I believe shame points to something very real about our human nature: that we know something is desperately missing inside, and we need no less than the divine to be made whole. Underneath our attempts at glamour and glory and prestige, we’re dreadfully naked underneath. The feeling of shame, whether that feeling has come about by right or wrong methods, points to our constant imperfection, that visceral longing that we’re always reaching for something just outside our reach.

So when someone says, “Don’t shame me!” or “Shame doesn’t work,” they’re absolutely right. Shaming doesn’t address the actual need. It only bludgeons someone into good behavior, and only works as long as the bludgeon is there. When it’s not, the behavior just regresses and reverts. The human spirit is a rubber band, always trying to snap back into place.

But to say “Shame is a lie” is actually false. When someone shames someone else, they’re not creating a feeling, but exposing a feeling that points to a human truth. We fall short. We’re incomplete. We’re not whole. 

In other words, The person who does the shaming is in the wrong and it won’t work. The person who feels the shame should recognize that this feeling points to a deep human need for wholeness and goodness, and should not ignore these implications.

4) As a Christian, I believe that Christianity both exposes and solves our shame problem.

On one hand, it’s too easy to say “shame is bad and evil,” as if the feeling itself must be banned from culture. The thing is, a world without any shame would be a dang shame. If you swing the pendulum too far this way, then there’s no accountability or justice—and in my opinion, I think it’s become harder to find people who can genuinely admit, “I was wrong, I’m sorry, and I hold myself accountable to doing better,” and then following through. Socially and politically, it seems almost impossible these days for anyone to embrace their shame as a reality which must be confronted. 

On the other hand, everyone lives with shame, and it’s a terrorizing, anxious burden in the basement of our hearts, often filling us with such dread that we 1) over-work ourselves to death, 2) hide our true selves under a mask of smiling conformity, 3) reinforce our pride to avoid any self-correction, or 4) stay terrified in the dark of making any moves at all. All these options end in spiritual implosion.

In the Christian worldview, shame points to my sin, and sin is the human condition of both my selfishness and emptiness. When I feel shame, it’s simply one more thread that traces back to the very real problem of humanity. 

In a perfect Garden, we once had no shame at all, because we had all the wholeness and validation we could ever want. But ever since our disconnection from God, we’ve all been clawing back to Eden, and sometimes, someone points at us and laughs. The pointing and mocking are wrong, but the clawing is our very real struggle for the divine love we once had. It is, like Genesis 3 says, a kind of curse, or perhaps a poisoned sickness, in which we’re trying to find the remedy. And culture says, Do this and that and the feeling of shame will stop. But it never stops. It only changes the behavior and not our nature. 

When Jesus died on a cross, he was exposing the high cost of our sin. This is what it takes to claw back to Eden—you’d have to beat yourself up to the point of bloody shreds. Jesus placed himself under the cost of our curse, so that now and eternally, we’d know that our shame was revoked. He did this out of love, but even better, out of grace, a costly love. When Jesus resurrected, this was showing he didn’t just pay a cost, but he also wants an eternal relationship, a relationship without shame. Think of that. He not only died for sin, but came back to live with us, walk alongside us, love us into who we could truly be.

Think of every other relationship you’ve ever had, whether it was with a person, with money, beauty, reputation, sports team, housing association, government, church, career. If you fail those things, they will shame you, and even if you change for them, they have you by the neck, and you’ll still feel unfulfilled. It’s a constant balancing act with unstable, unpredictable forces. These idols promise wholeness, but crush you the second you fail.

With Christ, if you fail him, he’s already taken the shame. He’s already forgiven you. And when you follow him, he actually fulfills you. There’s not an ounce of punishment or penalty in him towards you. He is purely grace. His love is such that, if you mess up, he already knew it was coming, and so instead of compensating for all the mess before, you can actually become who you are meant to be in Him now. No other person, philosophy, system, or interaction offers such grace when you fail. 

And only grace, in the end, is the pure motivation that causes true heart transformation. It may take longer, but that’s why it’s grace. Shame is like laying down bricks that never grow, but only keep shape. Grace is like planting seeds, that push through the dirt to the sun, so that your whole being is different. With shame, you only change for what it looks like. With grace, you change because you want to, because you can’t help but look at a savior and be tenderized and galvanized towards His goodness.

— J.S.

[obrienpascal]

Our Deal

Author: dylanobriens-world

Summary: Mitch Rapp is assigned a partner by Stan Hurley. Her name is Nastasia Aleski. The two of them go through some highs and lows and eventually Mitch finds out some bad news about Nastasia and can no longer trust her. But things start to backfire that can lead them both dead.

Author's note: Hey! So I wrote this on AO3 so I will continue this story on there but I wanted to post the first chapter here:) hope you enjoy!!

AO3 link: is above^^

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I knew I had to wake up to go to the bar to meet my new partner my mentor Stan Hurley said I was going to have. He did not mention if it were man or a woman. Although, by the way he looked I can tell he knew who the person was just wanted me to find out myself. I lifted myself out of bed cracking my bones. The dark clouds made it seem it was four in the morning even though it was seventy o'clock at night. It was raining all day meaning I stood asleep till it was time to meet this John doe.

Whoever this person I was going to meet better like drinking at seven at night. It made me think if I should just follow my own path or let them lead the way. Yeah right, if anything they better follow my ass or their out of a job. I don't give a fuck what Kennedy or Hurley says to me. It wasn't hard for me to read people, I take one look at them and I know their intentions immediately. Are they hiding something? Did they hire someone to come with them to make sure I'm not going to kill them or such? It was a gift I had, Hurley helped with it at most but more of me.

Putting on a black shirt with my leather jacket, throwing on a pair of jeans I snatched from my floor and slipping on pair of Adidas shoes, I looked in the mirror realizing I need to shave. I could care less right now. My intentions were to go meet this new partner of mine. I grabbed my wallet and Marbelo cigarettes as well as my cell phone stuffing it in my pocket.

I undid the chains on my apartment front door. I trust no one which is why I put all these chains on my door. I walked out putting my key to lock my door then heading outside. The breeze flowed through my thick dark hair giving my the chills as I stepped into my car.

"Fucking weather," I hissed under my breath starting the engine. My gray Sedan took off to the bar Hurley said my "partner" would be located at. If they recognize me I'll be astonished they wouldn't make a run for it. I've killed many people. Most of them sleep with one eye open because they know I'm coming for them. It's smart, but doesn't stop me from killing them once I lay my eye on the prey.

My sedan came to stop parking in the bars lot. It was packed with vehicles and motorcycles. This better be one hell of a night. I sighed under my nose slipping my hands in my pockets walking into the bar. Immediately chatter fills my ears. Men rambling about the football game. Bar tenders walking around trying to sell drinks, and woman trying to seduce men and drag them to the bathrooms.

Not one of these people looked like a fit to be working with me. Let along able to hold a conversation with half of the drunkies here. I walked over to the bar and sat down on the stool. The man was on the other side taking an order while I sat at the corner with my back to the wall. It was what I always did anyone could sneak up on me. I always needed to be able to look over my shoulder. I fetched out a cigarette lighting it blowing out smoke to my left. Seconds later the man comes over to me.

"What will it be?" He asked cleaning a shot glass with a rag.

I put my cigarette between my index finger and my middle finger. "Just a beer." My tone louder than his over the loud music. They couldn't play better music? Couldn't even hear the game over the beats and the loud hollering from the crazed Giants fans. As my eyes were wandering about they stopped on a woman sitting alone in the corner her back to the wall.

Her long brown hair pushed to the right while she brought her cigarette to her red lips. Her breasts practically were screaming to get out of that tight red dress she was wearing revealing sexy toned legs. She uncrossed her legs when her eyes met mine. The mysterious woman tapped the end of her cigarette letting the ashes fall to the ground as she looked back at me with a flirtatious smirk.

I tried to look away but I couldn't. My eyes were glued to the beautiful woman just a couple of seats away from me. All of a sudden she stood from her chair walking over to me. As she sat down next to me she sat tall with good posture waving for the bar tender to head over. When he came over he tried hard not to stare at her tits. She didn't seem to mind though when he kept sneaking a peak.

Finally, he went to go make her drink then she rested her elbows in the counter bringing her hands together turning her head to me.

"Hurley said you never arrive early." She said to me with a honest tone looking at me with concentrated eyes. I did my best to hide my surprisement in my eyes. How did I not see she was my partner? It all ran so clear. This woman sat in a corner her back to the wall just as me. Along with that, she minded he'd own business letting all this ruckus smooth past us.

"Hurley can mind his fucking business." I snarl taking a sip from my beer. The nameless woman looks away letting out a giggle as the man comes back with her drink.

"Thank you, dear." She says taking it in her hands giving him a wink. The man blushes hard before walking off to another customer. I guess she had her ways to get out of paying for her drinks. Smart girl.

"Would you give me your name or it's a secret?" I ask waving my cigarette around as I spoke.

Her eyes batted as she turned to me sipping her liquor through a thin straw. As she let out a sigh of relief as she was satisfied with her drink of choice she moved her body more to me meaning she doesn't want anyone else to here what she's about to say.

"I am Nastasia Aleski" she smiled through her teeths holding out her small hand for me to shake. I took it in mine giving it a firm shake as I tried to study her face to find a any hint she was lying. I couldn't find any hint of her not telling me the truth or she was just good at hiding it. "I know who you are," she pauses leaning closely, "Mitch Rapp." She whispered that sending shivers down my spine. Nastasia moved away bringing her straw back to her lips.

"I bet you know I've killed people." I say in a low tone but loud enough for her to hear. Nastasia gives a small nod.

"So have I and every other insane person in this world. Your no different. Stan was very clear on who I was going to be dealing with. A sad man who lost his wife and hasn't been himself since." Why would he tell this woman all my deep personal shit if I haven't met her till today. The next time I see him he better hope I don't beat the living shit out of him. "But don't worry I too lost someone close to me. It's not a pleasant feeling."

"Who was it? A husband?" I guessed bringing my cigarette to my lips.

Nastasia shakes her head putting her drink down stirring it in circles with her straw. "My father just when I was a little girl. I was close to him more than my drug addict mother who left us when I was ten. Haven't seen her since and never want to see her again. I do miss my father dearly, sometimes I think he's in my dreams with me." She states looking in the different drink choices on the shelves in front of us. It was hard to read this girl she had years of practice to never let a stranger or anyone be able to read her.

"I'm sorry for your lost."

"I don't need your pity. Now, let's just get to business. Hurley told me to meet at Irene Kennedy's office with you by the morning. Kennedy also knows you won't make it there in time so she suggested I spend the night with you to make sure you get there in time because this meeting is very important." She stated shitfting in her seat to face me. Was she joking? We'd only just met also why isn't Irene telling me any of this? I knew the reason, it would have stopped me to meet up with the woman. It was hard enough to be read her now she has to be with me in my apartment.

"Mitch?" She called out grabbing my full attention.

"Right, sorry. All right, sure let's go now." I tell her stepping out of the stool. I held out my hand for her to get down on her high heels and she took it giving it a squeeze. Nastasia smiled hard releasing her hand out of my grasp waiting for me to lead the way. I walked out of the bar holding the door open for her and she thanked me walking tall outside. It was raining once again as it was darker than before when I just arrived here. The long brown haired woman started to shake at the cold temperature. Standing just outside the driver's seat I walked took off my jacket handing it to Nastasia.

"Thank you, Mitch." She greeted as I unlocked the car and she climbed in the passenger seat. Who knew my night would end in bringing home a woman who is my partner for however long Hurley keeps her in my life.

I drove away from the bar turning on my wipers wiping the rain drops away. She was still shivering so I moved my hand to turn the heat up. The rain was getting heavy by the minute which didn't help how cold my car was. The red light turned green and I drove up the road. Next I turned right and drove up to my parking space.

"This is me." I point to my apartment building. I took the keys out the ignition opening my door. "Well, I hope you can run in heels doll face." I smirk at her before leaping out of the car. I jogged to my front door looking for my key. Seconds later I heard heels clacking against the concrete then hopping up my stairs. I found my key opening the door rushing in as did Nastasia. She throws my jacket to the ground running her hand through her wet hair.

"Boy, was it raining hard. I have to get out of this dress." She says staring down at her wet body.

"The shower is down hall to the right. And I suppose your not going to wear that dress again so I'll just leave my clothes in the spare bedroom." I tell her taking my shoes off to leave them on the mat by my front door.

"Thank you, Mitch." She says once again leaving her heels on the mat then walking down the hall to the shower. I let out a exhausted sigh then walk to my bedroom tearing off my clothes. I didn't mind not showering till she was done. For now I put on a new pair of boxers and turn on the TV. Light flashed in my room from the lighting that just started. Right after the lighting it thundered loudly.

I was surprised she wasn't alarmed by that. Well, thunder storms are more for kids to be afraid of right? I lifted my head from my pillow and noticed it was now soaked. Oh well, I has to get out of bed anyways to give Nastasia clothing. I crawled out of bed to my draws. I opened the top one taking out a T-shirt then next to that draw I took out a pair of checkered red and blue pants.

Holding the clothes in my hand I walked down the hall opening the guest bedroom noticing she already settled in. Her phone was on the night stand along with her cigarettes and purse. Was it okay if I snooped a little? I mean she was in my home. I put the clothes on the bed as I walked over slowly to her cell phone. Finger prints can leave on anything. A phone you'll catch the finger print in a heart beat. My long finger was hovering over the home button until I heard a females voice from behind.

"What do you think your doing?" Nastasia questioned gripping the towel her angry eyes staring back at me. She walked over by me grabbing her phone. I stepped back pointing to the clothes.

"I told you I was bringing you clothes."

"You left out snooping through my phone." She snarled at me her nostrils flared up.

"It's hard to trust someone I just met who's in my home. So I wanted to check if your not someone Hurley did sign."

She let's out a long sigh closing her eyes, "Mitch. I know it's hard for you to trust someone but, I mean no harm. I'm just doing this business for Kennedy and Hurley that's all. You have absolutely nothing to worry about now please can I get dressed I'm exhausted." She explained unwrapping her towel slowly cuing me to leave. I raised my eyebrows then sprinted to the door. Without looking back I said.

"Enjoy your night," I closed the door behind me heading to the shower. I was exhausted as well and couldn't wait to finally get some rest for the hell I'm going to get tomorrow.

I turned on the water letting my boxers fall to the floor as I stepped into the shower. The warm water hit my back as it felt like a massage. I ran my fingers through my wet hair putting shampoo in it. I let the soap fall to the floor, next I washed my body then turned off the shower. I stepped out grabbing a towel drying my hair and face then wrapping it around my waist.

Maybe I should shave so Irene doesn't bother me about it tomorrow. I grab my shaver shaving my thick beard. I put it down rubbing my face as there no longer is a monster beard on my chin. I walk over to open the door walking to my bedroom. Should I check on Nastasia? Or just let her rest? I walked to her room as the door was cracked open. I peaked my eye in not being able to see much which made me open the door a little more noticing she was sleeping with the clothes I gave her snuggling one of the pillows. Good thing she was asleep for all I know she would've tried to leave. I did only meet her a couple of hours ago. Tomorrow better be one hell of a meeting. Otherwise, this woman is in my spare bedroom for no apparent reason.