#Shawn got me through the worst period in my life and I will always have a soft spot in my heart for him

[losfacedevil]

If you told 2020 me, who missed out on the signed copies of the Wonder album, that I would snag a signed copy of Shawn Mendes’ comeback album in 2024, I would have told you you were lying.

[princecharmingmendes]

Heart by Heart | Chapter I | Raul Mendes

                                           *secret agent AU*

Y/N and Raul have been friends ever since they could remember. And falling in love with your best friend can be pretty tricky and messy 99% of the times, add that to the fact they're constantly risking their lives side by side on the field since they're both secret agents, and the best team that's ever existed. Perfect recipe for disaster.

Helloo, this is the first chapter of this series and I'm super excited about it. Please read the warnings on this one, if you don't feel comfortable with the contents listed on the "warnings" section, please read something else, there are a lot of other works on my masterlist and on the "fic rec" hashtag on my blog. I plan on posting a chapter weekly, which means new chapter every Thursday (and maybe a sneak peak every monday). Please give me some feedback and I hope you guys like it as much as I did. I'll stop rambling now, byee. Happy Reading!

                                                     masterpost | next chapter

*Word Count: 3.4K+;

*Warnings:  cursing, descriptions of violence, blood, injuries, hostage situation and a whole lot of teasing. Please don’t read it if any of this subjects make you uncomfortable, feel free to check my masterlist for other writings. 

*Posted: July 1st, 2021.

                                                     -*-

Raul Mendes was a pain in the ass. Y/N loves him way too much for her own good, but he was a pain in the nonetheless. 

He was the only person she knew who could be in a possible life-or-death situation and still make fun of her through their communicators. And sure, that made the whole thing lighter and less scary, and sure, he was the best agent she’s ever met, but damn did he get on her nerves. And Raul always knew how to get her frustrated or squirming, he enjoyed it more than he was willing to admit. Sure, they’ve been friends for a long time and she should be used to him, but it never got easier. The fact he had a killer smile, the looks of a legit greek god and had this whole tough guy exterior, but secretly had a soft spot for her did not make her case any less complicated.

Y/N and Raul knew each other ever since they’re basically born. Their parents met when they worked together at a company of secret agents, it was only a small corporation back then, and they were known as the best agents at the time. After they retired from field missions and eventually desk jobs, they became only advisers and emergency contacts. But despite that, they kept their friendship going though all the years and that’s how Y/N was introduced to the triplets. They’re always together, doing everything with each other and protecting themselves. And of course she loved Peter and Shawn with her whole heart, they’re like family to her, but Raul was different. Y/N wished it wasn’t, but there are certain things in life you can’t exactly control. Like falling in love with your best friend.

And it’s not like she stood a chance, to be honest. Regardless of his looks, he treated her like she hung the moon and stars on the sky. Sure, he was a tough guy, who rode motorcycles and wore leather jackets, and wouldn’t admit alive that he cried while watching Lion King. But he took care of her when she was upset or having a bad period, he would take her driving around town at midnight on random occasions just because he knew it would make her feel better, and would always be so mindful of everything involving her. And yeah, he teased her endlessly, but it was part of it and in reality, Y/N didn’t mind it that much. 

So when they started growing older and decided to follow their parents career, it only made sense they trained their asses off and got the job together. The company their parents worked for grew a lot, a team that was originally formed by 15 agents turned into a massive business, with over 100 employees, doing various functions. Shawn was picked for a more diplomatic field, always in meetings with important people and traveling around the world. Peter became a tech engineer, developing the coolest gadgets and weapons imaginable, something out of Totally Spies! Raul was clearly a field agent, an expert on body combat and weapons, best out of the four when it came to their physical test. And Y/N was the one who guided the operations, the hacker and responsible for strategies, also for the tech part and best sniper out of the three of them. 

That made her and Raul an unbeatable team and the best duo ever. Their chemistry on the field was recognized by their bosses on the first week, basically glueing them together for every future mission and it worked. For the company. But it only dug her little crush deeper on Y/N’s heart. And obviously no one knew it. She was a spy for fucks sake, she knew how to lie and she wasn’t going to be the one to tell him. Raul didn’t date, working on this field made  everyone’s love life a bit harder than it was already, and he never seemed interested enough in anyone with the same career to have a long lasting relationship with. That didn’t mean there where a lot of people interested, which made Y/N’s heart twist in her chest. 

“Sweetheart, you still with me?” Raul’s voice came through her earpiece bringing her back to reality.

“Of course I am, you idiot, I take this job really seriously” Y/N replied rolling her eyes as if she didn’t just daydreamed a bit. 

“Oh sorry, doll, didn’t mean to insult you hard working” he chuckled “but could you please check in the corridor number 6, half the team is heading down there right now”

“Sure” she quickly typed on her computer changing cameras really quickly, perks of being Peter’s best friend is that she could usually take extra stuff and the newest gadgets on the market “It’s clear and, by the way, you look pathetic with this glasses”

Raul laughed clearly amused, throwing his middle finger up in the air in the direction of the security camera he found “Oh really? Tell that to Peter, he’s the one who created them” 

“Technically their still a prototype, so make sure to let him know”

Raul scoffed playfully as he climbed another set of stairs, the man and woman with him following without questioning, used to his ways of leading “Of course, I’m sure he’ll like to hear your fashion critiques to his million dollar glasses”

“I’ll write it down, now careful, you’re approaching the level where they’re at”

“Sure, mom, I’m always careful” he said in a hushed tone signaling to his teammates to keep quiet and try to find the possible security team they left to watch the hostage.

“Shut up” Y/N said trying to hold back the smile from stretching her lips, already letting the airway team know to be ready to pick them up as they approached their target. 

They’re currently in the middle of a mission where they needed to recover another agent who got caught up in an ambush two weeks ago, and now they’re being kept as a hostage. Raul’s leading a team to retrieve the agent as quickly and as silently as they could, two with him and three other on the opposite side to meet halfway. All that while Y/N’s on the under construction building across the street seated among her gear, gun in hand following their every step and guiding them through the camera system and the big windows that other building had. It’s not the worst mission they’ve ever been, no apparent violence or blood bath, just a simple rescue mission, but they still felt a little jittery and always worried about each other’s lives. And through the years, they noticed that their copying mechanism to make this less stressful (at least a tiny bit) was through light banter and jokes. That somehow brought a bit of normality to their very non ordinary job. 

Y/N did her best to keep them hidden while they crashed into the building as quietly as possible, trying go unnoticeable since they didn’t have enough munition or people on the tactic team. It would also prevent them from moving the target around or opening fire. And despite the fact Raul kept on trying to joke around and that she’s been doing this for at least four years, the fact that they’re working with a less experienced and fresh out of the academy crew made her a little jittery. Not that she didn’t trust Raul to command everything and boss everyone around if things got messy, she just didn’t want him to get in the middle of a crossfire again. 

He had the terrible habit of playing the hero in the most inconvenient times, like when they were little and a guy twice his size, with three friends mocked her pigtails. He didn’t stand a chance, but he went after them anyway. They ended up having to run as fast as they could so they wouldn’t end up with a black eye or something. And that was nothing compared to the stupid shit he could do on field. And Y/N couldn’t be more pissed whenever he came home with more bruises then he should just to play Superman or something. Sure, that was admirable and the fact that he put everyone on his team on his top priority was definitely something fantastic for a captain, but not for Y/N’s heart. 

And for that reason, she was always extra careful, but when he had a newbie joining him on the field, Y/N tripled the attention to avoid putting the kid in danger, and, consequently her best friend. 

Raul was quick to take down two man on their level without raising much alarm, grabbing their munition, dragging the unconscious bodies away from where they’d be easily seen and moving forward to another set of stairs. He was a very skillful agent, with great physical development and worked great under pressure, with quick thinking and a natural leader. So it didn’t shock her when he was able to do that as if it was the most natural thing in the planet. While Raul was more of a passionate person, Y/N was more rational, was analyzing every possibility and coming up with creative solution, she was also really cold on work (she just had one exception) and was a quick thinker, great person to rely on. It’s almost as if the complimented each other and that’s why it worked. That’s why when she tells him to shoot, he does without thinking, or to jump, he wouldn’t blink before doing it head first. 

And that’s why they’re able to reach the hostage without much trouble. 

“Told you to chill out, I knew we could make it” he murmured through their coms and she giggled, shaking her head incredulously.

“You should watch the entrances while your teammates take care of the hostage”

“That’s why I have you, sweetheart” he said with his infamous smirk stretching his annoyingly pink lips.

Y/N shook her head when she felt her face warming up a bit, stupid boy “Well, actually I’m pretty busy calling for our ride, so watch your own back this time, you’re a big boy, I’m sure you can do it”

Raul scoffed but did as she say either way “fine, are we clear?”

“On your floor yes, climb three more levels and meet me on this side of the street, don’t stall champ, they’re going to notice there’s something wrong with the cameras and their man who aren’t responding, so be quick”

Raul chuckled as he helped balance the hostage on Roman’s arms and signaling them to climb the stairs again “Yes, ma’am, anything to keep you from frowning and scolding my ass”

Y/N rolled her eyes smiling, sighing in relief that half of their mission was done and it went as smoothly as it could have been “Great, now get your ass out of there now, Raul” 

The tactic team started moving to the floor they’d have access to jump, and everything was going too smoothly to be true, not even a minor inconvenience. And that was not normal, at all. That’s when Y/N started getting worried. 

Everything was great until Seth, from loosing a lot of blood and being severely dehydrated, started loosing his conscious, making Roman’s job a lot more complicated and making everyone move slower. And while that was happening, Y/N saw when one of the guys saw his partners laying limply on the corner of a hallway and finally the pieces clicked. Luckily she was able to caught it quickly enough to be able to mess up their coms, so instead of a dozen men, they’d have to deal with two. She was also quick to let Raul know, so he jumped into action, telling everyone to rush and grabbing Seth’s right side, basically carrying him alongside Roman up the stairwell. 

But as they’re almost reaching the door, Raul heard footsteps rather close, rushing Roman up the rest of the way, warning he’d be right behind him, that he was only to be a bit far back so he could hold whoever was coming. 

He ran downstairs, quickly blocking the door to the staircase with a fire extinguisher, running all the way upstairs to reach his teammates and jump to go home. But as he had just reached the door, his colleagues waiting for him with their gear (and also his) ready to cross to the other building, he felt the barrel of a gun touching the back of his head. Raul raised his hands in surrender, his teammates staring at him with horror in their eyes as they aimed their guns to whoever was behind him, but he knew they couldn’t do much before he got shot. He also knew they’re too young, apart from Roman and Cara, who were both holding Seth up, they weren’t experienced enough to do something like that. But before the person could pull the trigger, they grunted in pain and Raul felt the barrel slipping away. 

He turned around to watch the guy on his back in the floor, clutching to his left ribs, a little pool of blood already forming underneath him and gun long forgotten. Raul looked around to see if it was anyone from this guy’s side or anyone on the stairs, only to be met with silence and a single security camera with the green dot on, meaning Y/N was still in their system. He shook his head in disbelief, dragging the whining man outside of the room, quacking his gun down the stairs and managing to lock the door so they could escape safely. 

“Still with me, baby?” Y/N’s voice teased mimicking the way he said it earlier. 

Raul shook his head with a smirk on his lips, before moving to where his teammates stood still a bit shocked with all that happened in front of them “Wouldn’t dream of leaving you, sweetheart”

“Alright boys, the helicopters are coming for us, meet you all on the roof in three” Y/N said through the coms for the whole team, quickly shifting to a line only the captain, Raul, could hear “and if you dare be late just to make a big entrance or another dramatic scheme you can think about, I swear to God I’ll leave you behind”

“You wouldn’t dare”

“Try me” Y/N sing sang picking up her stuff and quickly shoving them down in her backpack, gathering the rest in her hands before turning around to climb to the rooftop. 

As she climbed the last set of stairs, Y/N saw their helicopters approaching as the seven agents she was waiting for used a special gun to shoot a line to her building, before locking them in place before zip-lining their way to meet her. She helped Seth, the agent that was kept hostage climb up the little wall since he was in a pretty bad shape, throwing his arm across her shoulders and basically dragging him to where they thrown the stair to climb up to the helicopter with the medical team waiting for him. Cara and Roman climbed first since they’re going to report what they saw and assist Seth as best as they could. Roman grabbed him and the rope stair, shouting to pull them up so he could be taken care of. 

Raul was the last one to arrive, as always staying behind to insure everyone got there safely and no one would try to kill them or anything. He graciously climbed the all as if it was nothing, pulling the gun from the string and cutting it so no one could follow them up there that quickly. Raul told everyone to climb onto the helicopter and they’re quick to follow his order, only one person stubbornly waiting for him, as always. He held back the relieved smile from stretching across his features, noticing how warm and relaxed he felt only by seeing Y/N standing besides the hope ladder. She looked worried, a frown on her beautiful face and Raul wanted to smooth his fingers over it as if it would ease all of her troubles away.

She nodded as soon as he was close enough, Raul being quick to pick up the heavy backpack she was carrying and leaving the rest to her “Are you okay?”

“What? Of course, Why do you ask?” he knew why she was asking, hell, his heartbeat was still a bit too fast to be normal, and yeah, partially was because he was standing in front of Y/N, but on the other hand he almost got killed. She only arched her brow at him and he sighed in defeat “Of course I am, doll, you know me, I’m always okay” 

“That’s what’s scares me the most” she said with a sad chuckle and started climbing the rope ladder to the helicopter and Raul was quick to follow behind.

“Dude, that was insane, I can’t believe you didn’t miss or accidentally shot Raul from across the street!” the youngest guy from the mission shouted as soon as they reached them on the vehicle, Raul closing the door behind them. 

Y/N only giggled in response “yeah, a bit crazy, isn’t it?”

“That’s because she’s the best, Tommy, but she won’t believe it” Raul said as he sat on one of the vacant seats, waiting for her to join him. 

“Oh shut it” she said unable to stop the smile from forming.

They kept on talking about the mission for a while, Tommy and the other two kids who recently joined still high from the adrenaline, but Y/N couldn’t be more worn out and Raul was quick to catch it. He leaned closer to her and she automatically laid her head on his shoulder, a movement that was almost mechanic to both of them. He gently grabbed her hand that was placed on her knee and interlaced their fingers together, letting her play with his hand to pass the time. 

Y/N sighed and mumbled after a while, when most of the kids were too distracted to pay attention “Are you really okay? Don’t say that you’re always fine, I mean it”

Raul had mastered the art of the poker face. He could easily be having the worst time of his life, but he would never let it showcase always with a quick sarcastic remark and an easy smirk on his lips, ready to flirt with anyone to distract them from the real problem. Raul was not the best when dealing with feelings and emotions, always thought it was easier to push them away, but Y/N saw right through him. She always did, ever since they were little. After that, he never tried to hide it again from her, always being as honest as he could with her about how he was, and obviously it didn’t always work, but she understood and respected it. It’s not like he needed to say anything for her to know. 

But at the same time, she didn’t know that he would always be fine, as long as she was safe and right next to him, the rest didn’t matter. 

“I promise you I’m fine, you saved my beautiful ass and we’re going home, I’d say we’re fantastic” he said after a while, pressing a long kiss to the back of their laced hands. 

That seemed to be enough to convince Y/N, since she huffed through her nose and let out a tiny giggle, before leaning closer to him and Raul took it as a sign to drape his arm over her shoulder pulling her closer to his chest “your beautiful ass is really annoying, you know that, right?”

“Oh, I do, but you love it anyway” he said with a giggle, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head, as she just showed him her middle finger, making him laugh even more. 

Yeah, he was definitely fine. For now. 

                                                     -*-

*Please reblog or like this post if you liked it so I’ll know.

*I’m sorry if there are any spelling mistakes.

*Please do not repost this without giving me the credit, this is a completely original piece and I do not give permission to copy this!

*Hope you guys enjoyed it!

*xoxo

-🌙

[aimmyarrowshigh]

Dark Greetings this Spooky Season Ms. V. Can we get a list of your favorite Halloween movies and specials? I know you have seen *everything* and I am trying to go beyond my usual rewatches this holiday month.

V. AIMMYARROWSHIGH’S CRITERIA FOR HALLOWEEN EPISODES

Does the Halloween element combine convincingly with the usual universe of the show (ex: Lizzie McGuire 2x09 “Those Freaky McGuires” is not good as a Halloween episode because it changes the rules of the Lizzie McGuire universe, whereas Community 2x06 “Epidemiology” is a GREAT Halloween episode because it manages to logically introduce zombies to the regular Community universe)?

Does the Halloween element advance the plot of the episode/series (ex: the reason Boy Meets World 5x17 “And Then There Was Shawn” is literally the best Halloween episode ever made is that it uses the horror movie tropes it satirizes to provide a CRUCIAL turning-point to the plot of the show)?

Is the Halloween episode in the forefront enough that it’s clearly a holiday episode (ex: HAVING ONE JACK-O’LANTERN ON A DESK DOES NOT A HALLOWEEN SPECIAL MAKE, LAW & ORDER 16x03 “GHOSTS”! You gotta go ALL-IN, like Bob’s Burgers 3x02 “Full Bars”!)?

Does the Halloween theme balance well between spooky and warm-n-fuzzy (ex: Criminal Minds 11x21 “Mr. Scratch” is too fucking bleak, but Criminal Minds 12x06 “Elliott’s Pond” has a joyous/celebratory tone to the ending despite being a genuinely scary episode)?

Is it generally a well-written, acted, and designed episode of television (ex: Saved by the Bell! 3x26 “Mystery Weekend” is seriously, not exaggerating, the worst thing I’ve ever watched in my life; Psych 1x15 “Scary Sherry, Or Bianca’s Toast” is a triumph of the medium)?

THE BEST, bar none, Halloween special ever made is Boy Meets World 5x17, “And Then There Was Shawn.” Period. There can be no argument, except MAYBE Community 3x06, “Epidemiology,” but I like “And Then There Was Shawn” better because the parody and homage as less… biting? And because I think it continues and addresses the emotional core of the regular BMW season better than “Epidemiology” does for Community s3. “Epi” DOES plant the seed (…heh) for the Season 3B major plot arc of Shirley’s pregnancy and Chang Deciding To Murder, but it gets some major minus points for mocking Yvette Nicole Brown’s weight with other characters’ responses to her costume, tbh. And “And Then There Was Shawn” is just fucking iconic. It is THE Halloween episode manual, IMO, if there were to be a textbook on how to write a perfect Halloween episode for your sitcom.

HOWEVER, I also have to give major props to Bob’s Burgers and Psych, as complete series, for their CONSISTENTLY excellent Halloween episodes. A lot of series that have multiple Halloween eps really phone it in after one or two, because they don’t have any more ideas for how to incorporate Halloween pastiches while maintaining the overall feeling of the series (tbh B99, while the Halloween Heists are excellent in general, is/has been coming very close to this line, and I think that if they HADN’T had to switch out the Heist to Cinco de Mayo in s6, they would have jumped their Heist Shark [and I think they know it, too, because it was lampshaded in the episode itself]) or they just straight-up don’t have any more ideas for what or how to have the characters they’re bound to parody or pay homage to a Halloween thing after they’ve already done one or two. And let’s be real: those one or two have probably been either The Shining or Rear Window, because those are pretty much the two that every show starts with.

Bob’s manages to make every Halloween episode feel very fresh and organic to the series, which I think they do have some leeway to do because of the nature of cartoons keeping the Belchers living a kind of loop of never aging, yk, but amazingly they’ve only done the “Tina feels too old to trick or treat, maybe? Nope, she’s not 14 yet, so there’s still time!” thing in a way that felt tropey once (in 3x02 Full Bars). They’ve been able to address Tina being 13/in 8th grade, and worrying about it being almost too late for her to keep trick or treating, in ways that were in-character and added to the overall episode in 4x02 Fort Night, 5x02 Tina and the Real Ghost, and 9x04 Nightmare on Ocean Avenue Street, without me rolling my eyes at the screen and going “TINA, EVERY SINGLE SHOW WITH A TWEEN IN IT HAS ALREADY DECIDED THAT THE AGE AT WHICH YOU MUST STOP TRICK OR TREATING IS FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, COME ON NOW” which… at this point, is a Feat. Because like, I’ve POSTED over a thousand Halloween episodes, right? But I’ve watched and screencapped ::checks folder:: 3,905 Halloween episodes since 2014. Which is, um, a. lot. The ACTUAL BEST Bob’s Burgers Halloween episode is 6x03, “The Hauntening,” which is just… achingly perfect television. I know I’ve posted about it before (probably a couple times tbh) but the way that it aired originally back-to-back with The Simpsons 27x04, “Halloween of Horror,” so that the evening of Sunday cartoons juxtaposed eight-year-old Louise whose family worked so hard to scare her like she wanted with nine-year-old Lisa’s family working so hard to keep her from being too scared and make sure that she felt safe… reader, I FUCKIN CRIED. Little girls being deeply loved while also Spoopy Things!!!!!! IS WHAT HALLOWEEN SPECIALS ARE!!! FUCKIN!!!!!! ABOUT!!!!!!!

Psych, though, has the benefit of not really having any, like… central tone to the series? Beyond “friendship” and “having fun with joking,” tbh? So it’s able to do what a lot of series get docked “points” for in my Foolproof Halloween Special Ratings System That Is Completely Subjective To My Tastes And Mood, which is really just run full-tilt into parody and homage without really worrying about overall tonal connection to the rest of the season or series. 1x15, “Scary Sherry, or, Bianca’s Toast,” while it DOES fall victim to the way-too-common Halloween episode trap of making mental hospitals into a Scary Thing (they are a medical normality and a necessary thing for health for many people and should not be feared), is delightful Spooky Fun AND has the benefit of having Shannon Woodward in it.* We all know by now that if an episode of any show has Shannon Woodward as the guest star, it will by default end up being one of the best, if not THE best, episodes of that series. It’s just how having Shannon Woodward as your guest star rolls. I also really like, with Psych’s Halloween episodes, that quite a few of them understand the underlying thematic scope of Horror, which is “The Monstrous Feminine Is A Thing And All Horror Tropes Are Actually About Women’s Interior Lives Because Men Can’t Write Women And Fear Women Always,” yk, in a way that is neither TOO Actual Horror, which I am too afraid of to Do, or too trite and demeaning, which is the other basic trap that Halloween stuff falls into A Lot. Like, Scary Sherry is very much about women villainizing other women, avenging other women, and being in very specifically-female pain, even though Shawn & Gus are still the lens through which we solve the mystery, and so are 4x04 The Devil Is In The Details And The Upstairs Bedroom and 6x03 This Episode Sucks. But they give their Monstrous Females dignity and breadth, which is impressive, ESPECIALLY since they’re one-off guest characters. Also, 3x15 Tuesday the 17th is just plain funny and well-done, like, just give it props for the title alone.

*(Speaking of Shannon Woodward, another amazingly good Halloween episode is Raising Hope 4x07, “Murder, She Hoped,” which is among my very favorite Rear Window homage episodes and has probably the funniest gag in ANY Rear Window ep, in Martha Plimpton floating across the screen in the Grace Kelly silk nightgown and peignoir and announcing that it was on sale at Walmart, can you believe?! and honestly, yes. Perfection.)

Also excellent:

• The Addams Family (1991) + Addams Family Values (1993) • Scooby-Doo and the Ghoul School (RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU WERE GAY FOR SIBELLA AS A CHILD!) • Scooby-Doo and the Witch's Ghost (RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU'RE GAY BECAUSE THE HEX GIRLS!) • Halloweentown + Halloweentown II: Kalabar's Revenge • Mom's Got a Date with a Vampire! • Z•O•M•B•I•E•S (to a lesser extent, Z•O•M•B•I•E•S 2) • Clue (1985) • Coraline • Corpse Bride • 6teen 2x00 Dude of the Dead • Arthur 21x00 Arthur and the Haunted Treehouse • Lamb-Chop in the Haunted Studio • Arthur 8x04A Fern-kenstein's Monster • Arthur 10x02 The Squirrels • WandaVision 1x06 The All-New Halloween Spooktacular (I KNOW YOU, SPECIFICALLY, DEAR @plavoptice, HATE MCU!WANDA AND I DON'T BLAME YOU, YOUR REASONS ARE VERY VALID! But this is a good Halloween special so I'm putting it on my list In General.) • Boy Meets World 2x06 Who's Afraid of Cory Wolf? • Ghostbusters (2016) • Gravity Falls 1x12 Summerween • Leverage 4x02 Ten L'il Grifters Job • The Loud House 2x40 Tricked! • Mockingbird Lane 1x00 Unaired Pilot • It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! (Classic, etc.)

I'm SURE I'm forgetting some that I'll rewatch this year myself. I'm a big Halloween Baking Championship fan, tbh, which is on Discovery+ now so I recommend that if you like mostly-relaxing nice people baking cakes that look like bats and such.

I'm also IMMENSELY INTENSELY EXCITED for The Muppets' Haunted Mansion on Disney+ next week!!!

[wholesomemendes]

I have an idea for a request. I was hoping you're still taking requests. I saw something where I thought you are but i'm not sure. If you ever heard a song called "Take your sweet time" By Jesse McCartney, i was hoping you could write a drabble thing based on that song.

Take Your Sweet Time

Summary: You’ve loved Shawn with all you’ve had for the past 2 years, but now you have to take a step away from him and learn to love yourself too.

Author’s Note: Hi this is my first request so thank you so much! I’m sorry it took so long but I hope you’re as happy with it as I am! This also turned out wayyyyy longer than I expected (over 4.6k words wow) but I’m really proud with how it turned out. As always please tell me what you think and my requests are always open!

You knew what you were getting into when you started dating Shawn. The long periods of time apart, hate messages from fans, and having to accept that millions of girls that you thought were much more beautiful than you were trying to steal him away from you was only the tip of the iceberg. But you loved Shawn through it all. Even the times when he was having a panic attack on the bathroom floor or you were dwindling in self doubt while he was halfway across the world, you loved him and stayed by his side every single day, giving everything you had to him. You were fully committed to your relationship, so much so that you failed to realize just how much of a strain it was putting on yourself. That was the thing about loving Shawn, it consumed every part of your senses until you didn’t know where Shawn ended and you began. It felt like your every movement had to revolve around him and if it didn’t, then you were failing the relationship.

It had been over 2 years since Shawn had made his way into your life, inadvertently flipping it completely upside down. Shawn was currently in LA for some promo work on his newest single, which you had expressed your proud feelings for on multiple occasions, and was set to return this weekend after being away two whole weeks. Although the two of you had gone longer apart, you could never help the feeling of being stabbed in the heart every time he left, no matter how many times you told yourself he was coming back to you soon. It took everything in you to not call him every chance you had, not wanting to annoy him or seem clingy, so you resorted to missing him in silence, your feelings building up inside of you like wires trying to strangle your heart. It hurt. Loving Shawn hurt. But day after day you loved him with all that you could give while those strings slowly pulled on your open heart.

___________________

After dating Shawn for so long, you thought you were prepared for everything his abnormal life could throw at you, but you never thought you would have to be prepared for him ignoring your existence. The night he came home was just like every other time, you had picked him up at the airport where he greeted you with a bone crushing hug and a gentle kiss to your forehead, knowing you didn’t like much PDA, and then he got into the shower, meeting you in bed for an endless night of cuddles. However it was the days that followed that were completely out of the ordinary for the two of you and threw you into a spiral of self doubt. You understood completely when he spent the first couple days meeting with his friends and family, you weren’t the only one missing him while he was gone, but typically the first couple days home were full of clingy Shawn, meaning he would invite you to go with him wherever he went. This time around he didn’t even invite you to dinner with his family, even though you later learned that Karen had specifically told Shawn you were invited, to which he had responded that you were working overtime at your job. You weren’t. You were sitting in your shared condo eating takeout from the Chinese place down the street instead of Karen’s famous lasagna. That definitely hit hard in your heart for Shawn always wanted you to feel comfortable around his family, constantly reminding you that his family was your family, so you couldn’t help but feel that he was trying to push you away. You knew you were probably overreacting, even if Shawn had taken a 180 degree personality change in the past couple days, causing those strings on your heart to tighten to the point of suffocation. It hurt even more when the moments he was home consisted of him locked away in his studio without even a mumbled good morning your way. You brought him coffee, tea, food, anything you could think of that he could possibly need, placing it down in front of him without a single peep so that you wouldn’t distract him, earning either the smallest of thank yous or most commonly, complete and utter silence. He came to bed at ungodly hours, no longer cuddling up to your body in the dark. You knew he always assumed you were asleep, but you physically couldn’t calm your mind without having him next, instead leading your thoughts down a spiral of depressive words. The worst part? You couldn’t remember the last time he had said I love you to you since he came home. Before, Shawn couldn’t go a few hours without reminding you of his love for you, but now you didn’t even know if the man you would die for in a heartbeat felt the same way.

You didn’t know why this was happening, hell you didn’t even know what could have happened in the 8 hour period when the two of you were asleep that first night back that could have caused this changed. But every night as you laid in bed waiting for the man you loved to enter the room, your mind always came to one conclusion on what the issue was at hand. You. You were the issue. You weren’t enough for him, you weren’t doing enough for him, you weren’t loving him enough. And after the 11th night, you realized that you were the issue, but not in the way you previously had thought. You were enough for him, you were doing more than enough for him, and you were loving him far more than you should be. You loved Shawn more than you loved yourself, and on that 11th night, you fell asleep before he came to bed, knowing that when you awoke alone the next day, things were going to change.

___________________

The morning sun woke you up from your slumber and you kept your eyes shut, not wanting to open them and face the reality of what today would bring. Begrudgingly you willed yourself to sit up, taking in the view from the bedroom window one last time and feeling the way the soft silk sheets felt on your body. What you didn’t want to remember was the coldness that could be felt on Shawn’s side of the bed, a telltale sign that he had left it without a second thought hours before. But in a strange way you did want to remember it, wanted it be a reminder as to why the decision you were making was the correct one when you would be inevitably regretting it once you stepped foot out of the condo. You began your morning routine as if it was a normal day, but instead of leaving your toothbrush next to Shawn’s, it was placed inside of your travel bag along with the rest of your toiletries. Clearing the bathroom of your belongings, you moved towards the rest of the bedroom, your heart clenching when you looked at the empty space in the closet. You forced yourself to leave behind all of the pictures and memories of him, knowing it would just cause you more pain in the long run, but your hands moved to grab your favorite shirt of his to wear to bed before your brain could resist it. His scent still lingered on the fabric and even though you knew it was a bad decision, you put it into your suitcase without a second glance.

It was past noon once you were finally satisfied with your packing and even though you had left almost all of your shared belongings to Shawn along with every picture and memory of your relationship, the condo still felt a little bare without your added presence along it walls. After taking all of your boxes and bags down to your car, your stomach rumbled from your lack of food, but you refused to stay in the condo for longer than needed, telling yourself that you would stop by Tim Horton’s on your way to your friend’s house where she was graciously letting you stay until you found somewhere else to live. If someone had told you last year when you sold your apartment in favor of living with Shawn that you would regret it, you would have laughed and called them crazy, but now you wanted nothing more than to have be at a place you could call your own. Though when you thought about it, you didn’t know if you would be able to live in a place that had held so many great memories of the two of you.

You rolled your last suitcase out of your shared bedroom that now only belonged to Shawn and you began the short trip down the hallway that felt like it held a century of memories. You replayed all of the events that happened in the place that used to feel like home, but now only felt like a shell of something that was hurting you from the inside out.

Passing by Shawn’s studio, you could hear the faint strumming of his guitar through the walls and your heart ached more than you ever thought it could. You never imagined you would be leaving the love of your life and knowing that this could possibly be the last time you would ever hear him made a tear slip out of your eye. Leaning against the door, you listened carefully to the unknown melody that was being played only feet away from you, coming to your senses once he stopped to do what you could only assume was writing something down. Knocking quietly on the door, you held your breath, afraid of what his reaction to you “interrupting” his writing process would be. “What!” he barked from the other side and your heart ached a little more, that tiny sliver of hope inside you that wanted him to beg you to stay diminished to nothing. Cautiously you opened the door and peered your head inside, seeing him still crouched over his guitar not even sparing a glance at you, “Um...Shawn?”

“What do you want?”

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m leaving,” you whispered, suddenly feeling extremely small in his presence.

“Ok, bye,” he told you shortly, still not lifting his gaze from his guitar.

Your breath hitched in your throat and you willed yourself to keep your tears at bay, not wanting him to see the effect he had on you, “I’m going to be gone a while.”

“Ok.”

At this point you were growing more frustrated than sad at how the man that supposedly loved you wasn’t even sparing a second glance at you, “I’m not coming back Shawn. I’m breaking up with you.”

His head snapped up at your words, the guitar suddenly losing his interest as his wide eyes met yours, “What do you mean you’re breaking up with me?”

“I’m leaving and I’m not coming back,” you told him, straightening your back to stand your ground and hide the way your emotions were breaking down on the inside.

“No, you’re not leaving,” he shook his head frantically, standing up from his seat and making his way towards you in frantic strides, “We’re gonna talk about this and fix whatever’s going on inside your head because you’re not leaving me.”

“Yes I am, Shawn, my mind is already made up.”

“No it’s not, you’re gonna talk to me and we’re gonna fix this.”

He was standing in front of you now, but his presence didn’t feel as comforting as it usually did, now a suffocating feeling surrounding you and making you want to back away. You could tell his breathing was becoming heavy and you wanted to sit him down to help calm him down, but you stood your ground. “I’ve given a lot of thought into this and I’m not changing my mind.”

“Baby,” he cooed, taking your face in his large palms and you allowed yourself to bathe in the feeling of him touching your skin one last time as tears prickled from the sides of his eyes, “Don’t do this, I love you, you know that. We said we were going to love each other forever. We promised.”

“I know, Shawn, I know, I love you more than words can explain, but that is why I have to let you go.”

“What? No, we love each other and we’re gonna stay together and...” his voice began to crack and tears began to falling profusely down his face, the hurt behind his eyes becoming too much for you to look into.

“Shawn...”

“No, no, no I’m bubs, or baby or...”

“Shawn, stop.” You grabbed his wrists in your hands, making him pause and focus on your words, “I’m not doing this because I don’t feel like we love each other enough. I mean, god knows I’m loving you with everything that I have. And I’ll be honest, lately I’ve been feeling like you don’t love me anymore. I can’t even remember the last time you’ve said I love you since you came home that first night, and it’s been almost two weeks since then. Yes, I know I deserve better than that but that can be fixed with time and I know that as well.”

“Exactly, baby, we can fix this and...”

“I’m talking now, Shawn and I want you to listen. I’ve been thinking a lot lately and what’s hurt me the most in these past two weeks isn’t how you’ve been treating me, it’s how I’ve been treating myself. I can’t keep living this life where I love you more than myself because it hurts and its degrading and I physically can’t keep going like this. And I know it sounds selfish, and it probably is, but I’ve been unselfishly giving you every inch of love I’ve had in myself for the past 2 years and it’s time that I take some of it for myself. This isn’t goodbye forever, I just need a break. I need to learn to love myself before I can love you fully again.”

Tears were streaming down both of your faces as Shawn pulled you into a bone crushing hug, rocking the two of you slowly with his face buried into your shoulder, “I love you, I love you so much. I don’t want to let you go.”

“If you love me you’ll let me go. I need time Shawn. I don’t want to believe this is the end of us, I just need a break.”

“Just a break,” he mumbled to himself and you pulled away gingerly, grabbing your suitcase from behind you. Shawn felt his heart break even more at the sight of your bag, realizing just how hard you had thought about this, “You already packed your things?”

“Yeah, everything’s in my car.”

“Where are you going?”

You sighed, “I think it’s best that I don’t tell you right now.”

He nodded his head sadly, looking down at the ground in front of him, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“And I want you to know that I will be here when you change your mind. When you want to come back to me I’ll be waiting. I don’t care how long, I’ll be here.”

“Thank you,” you breathed out, not trusting your voice from cracking if you spoke any louder. Shawn brought you back in for another hug, holding you tight to his body to keep you with him forever.

“Take your sweet, sweet time, baby. I’ll still be waiting for you with all of my love.” He felt you pulling away and reluctantly released his grasp on you, “Please tell me when you get to wherever you’re going though, I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“Of course, Shawn,” and with that you placed one last kiss on his cheek, tasting his salty tears on your lips before you walked towards the door, shutting it and all of the memories behind you. Shawn’s heart collapsed inside of himself and after staring at the place where you left, he forced himself to go into your shared bedroom for any last remains of you. His breathing stopped when he saw all of your things gone, but all of the memories of the two of you remaining, realizing that you really wanted this behind you. He stumbled towards the picture of the two of you smiling at the Eiffel Tower that was placed on your nightstand, holding it close to his chest as he rocked himself through his tears on the edge of your side of the bed. When his eyes opened and focused on the item sitting behind the frame, he felt his heart break more than he ever felt possible. You had promised him when he gave it to you that you would never take it off but there it was, time standing still around it. Your promise ring.

___________________

Ring. Ring. The sound of your phone ringing startled you from where you were hands deep in meat, rolling meatballs for tonight’s dinner while your friend was still at work. You quickly washed your hands off, grabbing your phone without looking at the contact as you leaned back against the counter with the phone against your ear, “Hello?”

“Y/n! How are you?”

“Karen?” you gasped, standing up straight, “H-hi, um I’m good thank you, how are you?”

“I’m great, thank you! I think I can speak for all of us, though, when I say we’ve missed you at family dinners!”

“Oh, yeah um, I’ve missed you guys a lot too,” you told her, biting at your nail in nervousness, your heart rate picking up.

“But don’t stress, I’m not saying that to make you feel bad. Shawn’s told us about how busy you are at work, how’s that going by the way?”

Your heart dropped. Shawn’s told them you’ve just been busy at work? Do they know... “It’s going well, thank you. It’s been a bit crazy lately with all the changes, but it’s good.”

“That’s good to hear,” she replied cheerily, “Listen, I’ve called to tell you that we’re organizing a going away dinner-party thing for Shawn next week before he leaves for tour. I know how hard it is with him leaving, Manny, Aaliyah, and I have gotten so used to him around I know it’s gonna be hard. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now.”

“Ye-yeah, I almost forgot he was leaving next week.” You would have been lying if you said you hadn’t still been keeping up with him on social media, therefore hearing about the upcoming tour through his feed. You even still had his leaving date in your phone calendar, not having the heart to remove any of the special dates in there even though it had been over 2 months since you had walked out the door.

“I get it, I don’t want to be reminded about it either,” his mother sighed, oblivious to the panicked girl on the other side of the phone, “But we’ve decided that we’re going to have a bunch of his friends and family over for dinner as a surprise for him! I was wondering if you could just keep him home with you and tell him you’re taking him out for a dinner date or something and then maybe blindfold him to drive him to our place! If you have a better idea that’s good too, I just thought it’d be a cute idea!”

“Take him on a...on a date?” you stuttered, breathing becoming heavily as tears threatened to spill from your eyes, the memories you’ve been trying to hide fighting their way back into your brain.

“Yeah, you know, just something that won’t make him suspicious because the two of you obviously get dinner together all the time.”

“Um yeah...yeah, Karen I’m really sorry, but I have to go,” swallowing the pain held in your throat. If you didn’t end the phone call now, you knew you wouldn’t be able to hide your tears from her anymore.

“Of course, sweetie! I’m sorry if I caught you at a bad time. I’ll just text you the details ok?”

“That’s great, yeah.”

“Ok, bye Y/n.”

“Bye Karen,” ending the phone call you collapsed against the kitchen counter, tears streaming out of your eyes and chest heavy. You had cried almost every day since you had left, your best friend trying to comfort you the best she could. You wanted to stay strong as much as you possible, but leaving behind the one thing you loved more than yourself proved to leave a gaping hole in your heart that only Shawn could fill. This week had been the first week you hadn’t cried yourself to sleep every night, only for all of your progress to be ruined with a simple phone call. Karen made it clear that she was completely oblivious to your breakup and it made you wonder why she hasn’t been told yet. Shawn and his family were so close, he told them everything, so it made you wonder if he was so unaffected by the breakup that he didn’t feel the need to tell them. Was he not hurting the way you were? Was he lying when he told you he’d wait for you? When he told you to take as much time as you needed? Did he already find another lover, someone else to give his love to? He hadn’t reached out at all since you walked out the door and although you acknowledged that it was probably for the best in order to forget him, a little part of you wanted him to be calling you, begging for you to come back to him. But nothing happened, only silence from his end leaving you broken hearted and alone.

An hour later and your tears are dried, heart aching for the one person you can’t have. More importantly, you want answers and you were going to get them. Setting out with a determined look on your face, you clean up your plan for dinner and grab your keys, heading out the door towards your car. Placing the keys in the ignition, you wondered if you were stupid for putting yourself in such a vulnerable situation, but you ignored the sinking feeling in your stomach and drove towards the place you used to call home.

It felt almost foreign walking up to his condo, the walls of the elevator mocking you for showing up. You stared at yourself in the reflective panel as you went up, seeing the face of a broken girl staring back at you. Lifting your chin up and pulling your shoulders back, you took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself in anyway as the doors of the elevator finally opened. The trek down the hallway felt as though it was a mile long and your heart beat increased with every step you took. This is so stupid, you thought, he’s probably not home. Or what if he has people over. What if he has another girl over?! Your heart clenched with jealousy at the thought of someone else being over, even if you weren’t together anymore and he was therefore allowed to be seeing someone else. Though you couldn’t help but feel hurt over the idea that he had moved on so quickly when he was begging you not to leave in the first place. You realized your feet had moved you to the door before your brain could process it and you quickly knocked on the door to prevent you from backing out.

Minutes passed and you debated turning around to make your escape, but just as you were about to leave, you heard the lock jiggle, the white door in front of you opening wide, “Y/n?”

“Hey,” your throat suddenly felt drier than before and you swallowed thickly in hopes of being able to speak. Shawn moved closer to you, seemingly wanting to give you a hug, but when you took a step back, he took it as a hint to stay in the door frame.

Clearing his throat, he awkwardly scratched the back of his neck, “Um...uh what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk to you, your mom called me today,” you told him, trying to fake your confidence by looking at his eyes.

“Oh that’s nice, she’s said she misses you....”

“Why didn’t you tell her we broke up?”

Shawn’s eyes widened as if this was new information to him and all of your belongings weren’t missing from his place, “Because we’re didn’t?”

“What are you talking about? Shawn, we haven’t talked in two months.”

“I know, I told you to take however long you needed because I would be here when you change your mind. So I gave you your space for the break you wanted.”

“No, I-” you sighed in annoyance, looking down at your feet as your confident facade faded.

Shawn peered his head out to look down the hallway, “Why don’t we talk about this inside, I don’t really want all of my neighbors hearing about this.” Following him inside, you couldn’t help but notice that he hadn’t moved anything since you had left. All of your pictures were still up, and the empty spaces for your belongings were still bare. “So, what do you think?”

“Hm?” you turned your head around from where you were staring at the living room to meet his eyes as he leaned comfortably against the wall.

“I’ve given you space and time away from all of this. Have you learned to love yourself the way I love you?”

“Shawn...”

“No,” he told you sternly, walking over to where you were standing rigid, “I want you to listen to me this time. I’ve taken this time to reflect on myself and our relationship as well, and trust me, I regret everything about how I was acting before you left. I know it wasn’t right and I want to fix this, ok? I am still just as in love with you as the day you left and I want this again if you do.”

“I love you too, so so much and I do want this again, but...” you were caught off by his soft lips being pressed feverishly against yours, holding onto your waist as you grabbed his biceps to steady you from the dizzying feeling of his kiss after so long. You relaxed into his touch, pressing his body closer to yours in fear that he would disappear once you opened your eyes.

“Shut up,” he mumbled onto your lips, and his arm wrapped around your back to pull you impossibly closer. Pulling back, he let his forehead rest against yours, placing soft pecks to your lips every so often. “I love you baby, just stay with me.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Shawn, I love you too much for that.” With your lips reattached to his, you realized that maybe taking a little time away made his arms feel much more like home.

[voidchat]

i just finished Boy Meets World after watching it all in a relatively short period of time and I have several thoughts. I'm also on season three of girl meets world and i have thoughts there too but i'll probably get to that on a different post. This got longer than i thought it would be so if you are interested the rest is under the cut!

First of all I would like to talk about Eric Matthews. I love him. he's one of my favourite characters. I loved him in high school and I loved him in college. and also in the in between time. However. i think that eric in high school and eric in college are two very different people. which i understand is natural. people change. but listen. in high school he may not have been the smartest guy in school but he was still pretty good when he applied himself. both with school things and relationships and general character. but after awhile his character just started getting dumber and dumber and more ridiculous. let me be clear- i loved him over all seven seasons. im just saying, they really exaggerated his idiocy. he did have his moments though. like when he fixed the friend group after their big falling out. i don't have a "conclusion" to this thought. im just talking into the void.

another character i want to talk about is Harley Keiner. let me say that i love this guy. i mean he was definitely a dick but i think he was so funny. and here is why!!! So we establish in the first episode that he's been in senior year multiple times, and i think in another episode (or the same one, idk. this is not sourced its just what i remember lol) it turned out he's been in senior year for three years. so assuming he never repeated any other grades (which is a big assumption but whatever), he'd be at least 20-21 (i think grade 12 kids are 17-18 years old?) So we've got a 21 year old MAN, picking on and beating up literal children. like, 14 year olds. and this was just like, an acceptable thing that happened???? i think thats so funny. like if it were in real life it'd be messed up. but since its just a tv show its funny. another reason i think he's funny is that he's always threatening to like, beat people up (specifically cory), but he never actually does? i mean i guess it's implied that he's going to/has but cory always seems to talk his way out of it. or harley just. doesn't follow through. its so funny. why are they so scared of him. the worst he's done was grab the back of cory's neck and push shawn down. scary!

this is longer than i thought it would be. my b. i'll cut it off here. i have more thoughts, so stay tuned for my girl meets world thoughts! mainly centred on the bmw characters and their grown up lives and what i think about it. if you read this far, wow. im sorry! thank you?

bye xoxo

[endexe]

                   “Thank you, but nah. They gotta have someone to blame, I guess."

The line will always wander across Zero’s mind the moment they first step into Quinn’s town. Calm words given after a laughter was made, sharper than snapping bones, louder than phantoms’ wails. He then offered Zero a small smile, yet full of assurance it was, when they asked him if they could kill harm those who had labelled him as a serial killer, though his eyes said otherwise. [ QUINN DAVIES, THE SOLE KILLER SURVIVOR ( ? ) OF THE SIX. ] Though Zero didn’t say any more on the matter and pulled Quinn through the distraction, the disappointment was clear through their grim expression, their mismatched eyes full of raging, dying stars.

Zero stops by a candy store to admire the treats displayed behind the front windows. They plan to purchase them for themself and Quinn, though pause when they hear several cackles nearby. Out of curiosity, they follow after the sounds to see what was entertaining and found themself walking through the alley. They make a turn and gasp at the large, bolded texts on a brick wall before them.

         QUINN DAVIES IS A KILLER WHO NEEDS TO BE KILLED

The words were printed in dark red, done without any care to them, and noticing the small splatters around them, Zero wonders if it was blood that was used instead of paint... Blood. They glance over to find a few teenagers laughing at the corner, their limbs covered with the red, red, red. One of four, supposedly the leader with black hair and brown eyes, him being the most insensitive to the others ( Four is his name now ), mentions about how he plans to commit a crime, that he will make sure Quinn will be the main suspect of it.

Zero’s eyes glow as they realize something.

“...You,” they snarl, approaching closer to the group, their glitches hissing and snapping at the reality.

“YO- YOU - YOU BLOODY. FUCKED UP. P̵I̵G̴S̴.”

Zero remembers. Quinn’s day of graduation. Once he took the diploma while everyone was out with their own already, and a small celebration was done with icecreams and milkshakes, Zero was with Quinn and his father as they returned home. He opened the front door and Zero saw red. Saw Quinn covered in blood—pig’s blood. His father rushed over and tried comfort him as he remained still, his eyes widen and diploma dropped to the blood stained floor. Zero didn’t know what happened from there when they exited their home to find out who was responsible for it. Their powers couldn’t work so they spent the rest of the evening alone with just their human abilities searching for answers. 

In the end, Zero only learnt that the incident was recorded and already uploaded across the social medias.

“And who the Hell are YOU?!”

Zero’s attention snaps back to the present to find the blonde haired kid ( Three ) taking a threatening step forward.

“I recognize him,” comments the other ( Two ) with the brown hair. “He’s with Quinn and his pussy of a dad. He was in the video as well.”

“Shit, I didn’t even notice him!” says the last kid ( One ). “Wait, Quinn has another dad?! Didn’t he have a mom?”

“He did until she abandoned him because she couldn’t bear the fact her own child is a mass murderer,” sneers Two. “Anyways, I’m not surprised his dad would fuck with guys too. Quinn gives me that f—” Zero T E A R S his jaw off from him, watches with a blank stare as blood explodes and coats on them and their surrounding. Two gags and gurgles as he collapses to the surface and tries to breathe for life, his hands trying to cover their jawless face, though can only bear so much of his blood before his body stills.

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT, SHAWN! WHAT THE - WHAT THE FUCK!?” screams Three, taking his gun out to shoot at Zero. The bullets enter through their stomach and as the aches tear across them, they fall to their knees. In the corner of their eyes, they watch One and Four leave the area before they realize Three have the gun against their forehead.

Zero takes his hand and bites his wrist hard enough to take a chunk of raw meat from him. Three screams as he pulls the trigger, another bullet hitting to the sky. Violent rings echo at the back of their mind and they freeze for a brief moment before they shove more of his hand into his mouth, constantly chewing through the flesh. Three tries to take the gun with his free hand, though Zero grabs his other wrist and SNAPS it.

“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” He drops his gun and finally steps away from them, wailing from the agony. Before he can look up from his damaged hands, he falls to the ground with a bullet through the eyeball before the gun is shoved through the other socket.

“DO YOU THINK MARK GOT HIM!?” shouts One as he and Four finds the exit entrance of the alley.

“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, JUST RUN!” responds Four, pushing him on the back.

One trips his feet over and falls, crying out from their knees and arms got scrapped against the concrete surface. He watches One’s form disappearing as he takes a turn. “FUCK, LUKE!” he loudly hisses, trying to pull himself up. “LU-” Two knifes pierce his mouth and his eyes roll back, dead.

Four reaches to the exit, he tries to call out for help from the people passing by. Hearing no one, his blood runs cold realizing they are frozen, stuck in time. He tries to make a run, though only to find Zero standing before him, giggling madly with two knifes held out, his right weapon holding the head of One. There is nothing human about them while they are coated in red, red, red, though the worst thing about them? They’re wearing a human face.

Four’s face.

Luke gags and covers his mouth. He runs to the opposite direction, though nearly bumps into Zero. He trips and falls on his back, whimpering and wheezing. “WHA - WHAT - WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?” he yells, his hands shoved into the pockets before he throws whatever he have at Zero. Wallet, drugs, everything. Yet nothing seems to attract Zero as they stomp on his crotch and rest their entire weight there. Luke wails and tries to push them off of him, though Zero stops him by throwing One’s head on him. Luke screams, pushing it away and violently shakes his head before he constantly begs to Zero to let him be alive.

Zero’s head perks up at the pleas. “You - you want to - YOU want to be ALIVE?” they innocently ask, quirking an eyebrow at him. “Well, I - i - IIIIII want you and your boys to leave - to leave Quinn Davies, my best fucking friend, al- alo- ALONE.”

“Thank you, but nah. They gotta have someone to blame, I guess," said Quinn to Zero a while after one of the teenagers— Luke pushed him down and insulted him right before Zero’s eyes. It was the first time they witnessed something like this to Quinn and before they could do anything, Quinn stormed off, leaving them behind and Luke walking away, laughing, laughing, laugh—

Zero grabs Luke’s neck, keeps him there as he squirms, his nails digging through their bleeding arms, before his body begins to twi- twi- twitch. “Here’s the deal: I’ll keep - I’ll keep you alive. I’ll resurrect your friends too. ONLY as long as - as looongggg as you all can do T-H-A-T for me, okay?” He clenches his skin tighter and watches the purple forming beneath their fingertips. Luke tries to nod, though seeing the desperation in his eyes, Zero laughs and lets go of him with enough force for his head to hit the ground, knocking him out. ���Okay,” says Zero, falling to the surface on their back, their blood still gushing from their stomach wounds.”Okay,” they whisper and weakly snap their fingers.

Darkness falls.

"Four teenagers are taken to the hospital with severe injuries. One of them have a dislocated jaw, another have missing eyes, and the third have a missing tongue with a deep cut around the neck. The fourth, while only having bruises on the neck, keeps rambling on about this entity who had a face like his and lashes out at anyone who tries to come close to him. No one seems to know what happened to them or even who they are. Police had tried contacting their families and close associates with their given phone numbers, though none of them recalls being associated with them. The police are still investigating the case. If you know who any of these teenagers are, please contact at—”

"Zero?”

Zero’s gaze slowly rises, though doesn’t meet the other’s, their attention everywhere and nowhere at once. “Yes?”

“Do you know who they are?”

They glance over to the television, staring at the pixelated images of the four teenagers on the screen. “I - I do not”, they blankly respond, staring down at their alphabet cereals and starts playing with them again. They can sense the suspicion, though they don’t know why. Can’t remember if there’s any reason for there to be suspicion.

“Do you?” Zero asks quietly after a heavy period of silence, almost if they’re afraid of the answer.

“No, I can’t remember them,” replies Quinn.

[softestsaddestbitch]

December TC Challenge

stole this from @elder-edda (sorry for creeping! just, given the usual demographic of the tc community I was excited to find another 20-smthg)

1) what color is your tc’s hair?

He has just, simple brown hair but he’s starting to go grey which, no lie, is 100% doing it for me.

2) is your tc married?

Yes? He doesn’t wear a ring and I believe she kept her last name which makes me think it’s more of a civil partnership since they’ve been together since the early 2000s at least. But he also will refer to her as “my wife” and was telling me once that they waited until “after they got married” before moving in together.

3) if yes, do you care? would you do something with them regardless of their marriage?

I know these questions are general but I do take offense at the idea of being a homewrecker/other woman. I’ve met his wife, she’s really nice.

4) what’s your worst memory with your tc?

I put my foot in my mouth SO OFTEN. Good lord. Especially my last semester at that school? He was acting weird and I had just realized after fucking ... four years?? that I romantically liked him. So I kept bringing up my weird age fixation and other bs bc I have adhd and am possibly autistic?? and can’t read a room to save my life.

5) what’s your best memory with your tc?

One year we had a really bad snowstorm, so bad in fact that I had my first-ever snow day. The college that I used to go to has four campuses across as many cities, and C has to drive in twice a week to my (old) town from his. Now, morning classes had been canceled but afternoon classes had been given the go-ahead. C, who does not check his emails until he arrives at campus, evidently did not get this message until he was already in town and therefore didn’t have a morning class, but did have an afternoon class. On this day I had a late morning class that had been reinstated, but my prof didn’t get that memo so I also was on campus but didn’t have a class. So I went to visit his office, which I had been doing throughout the semester (I didn’t have a class with him at the time) and we just ... hung out for like 2 hours. It was so nice and one of the anecdotes he told me still haunts me lol.

sidenote: at the time, I hadn’t yet realized that I liked him, but I still went out of my way to visit him. Damn I was a dumbass.

6) does anyone in your school know how you feel?

ish? I told a classmate but in a “haha joking” kinda way. And a friend who went to that school knows. No one at my current school knows.

7) does your tc know how you feel?

I think he might? might have a lil inkling which would explain why he started acting so weird my last semester. Or at the very least was told/realized how bad it could look that he was getting so chummy w/ a student.

8) do you think there’s any chance your tc reciprocates your feelings?

He and his wife have been together for around 20 years now. No. No, I don’t think so. Maybe in an alternate universe.

9) are you getting your tc a christmas present? if so, what is it?

I have in the past! Specifically like, a tin of cookies lol. I’ve also given him an actual present when I left. I do intend to send him a Christmas card every year but not this year because ... you know ... the apocalypse.

10) have you ever flirted with your tc?

Flirtation inherently has intent. So, no. How he interpreted our interactions I don’t know.

11) how long have you had a crush on them? what began it all?

SO! TIMELINE!

I was at my old school from September 2014-April 2019, I had C for the first time in September 2015. Like I mentioned above, I did not realize I had a crush on him until literally the middle of my final exam of my class with him December 2018, so I’ve only consciously had a crush for about two years now. However, as I also mentioned, I went out of my way to stop by his office, even when I didn’t have a class with him. And my relationship with/feelings towards him are complicated so I’m not going to say I did so solely because I like him, but I would put it maybe closer to somewhere in 2017. You don’t plan your schedule around someone you don’t feel strong feelings for.

12) do you believe you’ll get over them shortly after you stop taking their class/have the chance to spend time with them?

As of today, it has been been exactly a year and a half since I last him in person. In the time since, I have cried over missing him, routinely gone back to keep up with his current research projects, and made his picture a part of my home screen. I almost exclusively listen to the playlist I made for him -  so much so my Spotify Wrapped is pretty much that playlist with a few extras.

13) what kind of grades do you get in their class?

Haaaaaa pre-supension I was failing his classes. My first semester back I got .... a mid/high 70? and I finished my last class with him with an A+ and the essay I had written for his class had the highest grade between the two classes so..

14) does your tc ever do any tiny, little things that you adore?

When he puts a hand in his pocket and leans against the wall. When he tucks his hair behind his ear because he keeps falling in his face (he has long hair, a little past his shoulders). When he can’t stop himself from googling something even if its in the middle of class. How you can ask him anything at any time. The way he would chuckle at my jokes. How his handwriting hasn’t improved in decades. How easily he brushes off toxic masculinity. His candidness and willingness to share little anecdotes. The way he used to always smile whenever he saw me. That he goes home everyday to have lunch with his wife.

15) are you their favorite student?

I was! And it was obvious to other students that we had a friendly, casual relationship too. For a time, if his other students had questions about him they would ask me, and I usually had the answer. I didn’t matter in the long run, but I was. 

16) do you two share any tastes? movies, books, music, etc.

He’s a legal historian, I’m a baby legal/political historian. We also like the same historical cooking youtube channel.

17) is your teacher religious?

I doubt he would say he’s religious, but I feel like we have a similar relationship to religion which is to say no formal association, but had profound effects on our childhoods and subsequently, presumably, how we view things as adults.

18) do you masturbate to them?

Yes.

19) do you communicate with them outside of school?

I sent him a meme once. And asked about the socialist uprising scandal he was apart of. I also almost emailed him while at a museum exhibition with my history friend. These are all through email.

20) do you have any tc songs or songs you relate to your tc? what are they?

SO my number one song this year was “You are the Reason” by Calum Scott because, you guessed it, of him. But also:

I Lost a Friend - Finneas When You’re Ready - Shawn Mendes You Are in Love - Taylor Swift Break My Heart Right - James

& given the season, especially w/ what transpired last year, Last Christmas by Wham!

21) what’s your favorite thing your tc has said/memory you have with them?

One time he kinda trailed off in the middle of lecture after stating that he thought of xyz a particular way which contrasted one of the popular schools of thought, and the way he plainly said, “well, yeah, which I guess ... is I’m arguing it” almost like he was semi-surprised with himself has always stuck with me. 

But also, in addition the memory I shared earlier, we spent an hour and a half talking about grad school and what to expect and how to get there. 

22) do you plan to continue a relationship with them after you leave school?

I trid, I really did. But he doesn’t “socialize with students part or present” so I can’t exactly see him. But I did get some academic-related from him at the beginning of the year.

23) how will you deal during the summer? will you see him/her?

He’s a hermit who used my last vacation before I moved to go on all the vacations he had to postpone because he was working on his last book. And this past summer ... Covid. This question is obviously directed at high school students, but in general, he lives in the back of head always, and when I’m in my hometown for the summer my heart aches because theres a none-zero chance I’ll see him, but I know I won’t.

24) does your tc support gay rights?

Yes. He’s never been put in a position that I know of where he had to outright condemn homophobia, but in one of his classes, he actively made the choice to make the very first reading of the semester about how women in ancient times had more agency than assumed, and also how the woman in the case study was a lesbian.

25) what class do you have with them? And what period? Do you have them every day?

History classes. I won’t get into specifics because it’s kind of an eclectic mix and I’m paranoid someone from the area could come across this. But I had him twice a week every semester that I had him. Again this kind of question is more so applicable to high school students, not so much university students.

26) have you ever drifted out during a lecture thinking about them and missed information?

No. In his classes he is too enthralling, and I’m a good student otherwise.

27) have you stalked them online? what did you find out?

In theory. He’s a fifty-year-old history professor whose reaction to a description of the big lipped/tiny face filter on snapchat was “that sounds disgusting.” The man doesn’t have social media, and if he does those privacy settings are on so students can’t find him he thinks he’s very professional. I do visit his mini-bio section on the college website fairly often tho.

28) have you ever run into them outside of schools? what happened?

I did once. He introduced me to his wife, who said “oh you’re E! C has talked about you” and it apparently he had done so positively, and blew my mind because this was back when I was failing classes and also, as a person, I don’t believe that people think about me when I’m not there. They gave me a restaurant recommendation and afterwards his wife surprised me a they were leaving the restaurant because ... we had listened to them, and they also went there for lunch that day.

29) has your tc ever spoken of teacher-student relationships? what did they say?

It had recently come out that it had been found out that another professor had been in a relationship with a student and he’s the one that brought it up before class one day (with all of us not just me). He didn’t say anything for or against it, just that it was generally discouraged, but that most schools did have policies in place to handle the situation.

30) do you regret telling anyone about your tc? if you’ve kept it a secret, why have you done so?

Absolutely not. I can’t tell my best friends because they’d do nothing but give me shit for it and it would call every time I mention him into question. But the friends that I have told ... its been so freeing, and like a weight has been lifted from my heart. One friend in particular I unloaded on her all my emotional shit pertaining to him this past summer and she was so understanding it legit since then I’ve been less distraught when thinking about him. It still hurts, but it feels less like I’m suffocating now.

[nat-roman0ff]

don’t cry about it, baby

don’t cry about it, baby.

---

life changing news before a family picnic makes you reevaluate what “the next step” really means. wc: 2,905 warnings: 10 cents to the swear jar, crying babies, & psychic moms.

---

 This was probably your worst nightmare. 

 You stare down at the third pregnancy test you’ve taken this morning and it’s positive. Fingertips shake as you throw it into the bin and curl into a ball. Your body quivers as you sob and sob and sob. It’s only a matter of time before Shawn starts banging on the door. He knew something was up for a few weeks; when you realized your period was late, when you woke up every morning throwing up, when you would fall asleep early on the couch after dinner. All signs led up to the worst possible outcome:

 You were pregnant. 

“Hey baby, we have to leave for my parent’s house in a few. Are you okay in there?” Shawn asks from the other side of the bathroom door. 

 “Yeah,” you sniff, “I’m fine. Must be food poisoning or something.” 

 “Again?” Shawn sees through the lie, “that’s the third time in the last two weeks. Are you sure you’re not sick?” 

 “I said I’m fine, Shawn!” You reply with poison in your voice.

 He doesn’t say anything, and you hear his footsteps echo away. Panic runs through your veins. How will you tell your family? His? The media? You’re both barely 21, and he’s gone most of the time. Shawn barely had time for you let alone you and a baby. There’s so much running through your head all at once that you don’t notice Shawn picking the lock for the bathroom door. 

 “Baby! What’s wrong?” He rushes over to you and sits beside you on the floor. 

 You can’t help but cry more as he holds you close to him. His hand rubs your back and he shushes you to try and calm down. It doesn’t work, though, and your sobs choke you as they come out. You’re left gasping for breath while Shawn holds your tear soaked face between his palms. 

 There’s a ringing in your ears so loud you feel like you might pass out. The thumping of your heart is so hard it leaves you breathless. You try your damnedest to break out of it but it keeps pulling you back under, leaving your body a shaking mess.

 “Baby - BABY!” He’s literally shouting, “You need to breathe, calm down. You’re going to give yourself a panic attack. Look at me. Take a deep breath.” 

 You close your eyes and take in a shaky breath, “I’m pregnant.” 

 Shawn immediately lets you go, his hands dropping to the floor, “...what?”

 He looks down at the ground, his eyes round, fingers tangling through his curls and tugging at the root.

 You swallow hard as the tears threaten to come down again, “I’m sorry.” 

 He turns his head to look at you, “what - why are you apologizing?” 

 You wipe your wet cheeks with the back of your hand, your eyes stinging and your throat dry, “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I don’t want this to fuck up your life or your career, or -” 

 “Baby,” he lifts your face by your chin, “that’s not going to happen. It takes two to tango. It’s...it’s a lot, but we’ll figure it out. Have to.” 

 “So you’re not worried?” You ask. 

 He shakes his head, “no, I’m fucking terrified. Me? A parent? I can’t even cook myself breakfast, how am I supposed to take care of another human being?” 

 You let out a breathy laugh and drop your head on his shoulder, “I love you.” 

 He rests his cheek on the top of your head, “I love you too.” 

 ---

 “What about Amadeus?”

 You snort, “as in like, Mozart?” 

 “It’s classy!” Shawn defends. 

 “It’s stupid!” You laugh. 

 He intertwines his fingers in yours, keeping a free hand on the steering wheel, “I don’t see you coming up with anything better.” 

 You ponder for a few a second, “what about Dexter?” 

 Now it’s Shawn’s turn to snort, “that’s stupid.” 

 The two of you are driving to his parent’s house. The road is lined neatly with pretty little houses and rows of trees. It’s a beautiful day, the sun is high in the sky and it’s the perfect temperature of not too hot, and not too cold. You drive with the windows down, your hand snaking through the air out the passenger’s side window. There are six left turns to get to Shawn’s neighborhood in Pickering. You close your eyes and count each one and try to concentrate on the feeling of the wind through your fingers instead of the twisting knot in your stomach.

 “Hey -” Shawn pulls you out of your trance, “everything is going to be fine.” 

 You hum, but aren’t so sure. Yeah, he’s got the money, and you know the baby will be loved and taken care of - but are you two ready? Can anyone really be ready for their first child? You weren’t even engaged, or even brought up the next step. The relationship wasn’t exactly new, you’d been dating for about two years now but besides moving in with him after Christmas, there was no talk of what your next step was. 

 Well, I guess this is the next five steps, you think.

 “I know,” you reply, “I just don’t want your parents to hate me.” 

 You play with his fingers in your lap, not looking at him, “my parents could never hate you.” 

 You side eye him, “you’re a twenty year old international rock star. You don’t have time for a baby.” 

 Shawn slams on the breaks, leaving the cars behind you honking and swerving around you, “excuse me?” He pulls his hand from yours. 

 You sigh, you didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did, “I’m just saying I know you have more important things to focus on and I don’t want to be the reason that you can’t focus on those things.” 

 “Are you breaking up with me?” He scoffs. 

 It takes you a second too long to respond. 

 “You can’t just break up with me because you’re pregnant, Baby,” he’s softer now and holds both of your hands in yours, “fuck - we’ll get married tomorrow and tell everyone it was a Honeymoon child.” 

 You pull your hands away and cover your face, “that’s not the point, Shawn. You don’t have time for this - or the energy. I don’t want to be sitting at home all alone with a baby while you’re traveling the world. A child needs a father around.” 

 “So I’ll take time off -” 

 “I can’t ask you to do that, Shawn.” 

 He scoffs, “so what the fuck are you asking me to do then?” 

 “I don’t know,” you mumble. 

 He drops your hands and puts the Jeep back into drive, peeling off down the street. Shawn’s grip on the wheel is so tight you can see the skin around his knuckles turning white. He chews the inside of his cheek, fighting back all the venomous words he wants to say to you. You give him credit for keeping his mouth shut.

 The two of you drive in silence the rest of the way to the Mendes’ household. The party is already in full swing when you arrive. Shawn’s quick to exit the car, not bothering to open the passenger door for you like he always does. You follow behind him to the front door and inside. 

 “Ah, the prodigal son returns,” Aaliyah greets with arms crossed. 

 “Hello sister,” Shawn pulls her into a big hug.

 She groans and wiggles out of his grip to give you a big hug, “missed you!” She squeaks, “him not so much.” 

 Shawn shrugs, “I’ll remember that when your sweet sixteen rolls around and mom and dad won’t buy you a new car.” 

 You watch him walk away into the kitchen to greet the rest of his family. The tears are threatening to spill over again, so you excuse yourself from Aaliyah and practically run for the bathroom. You shut and lock the door, stepping in front of the vanity to give yourself a good once over. Needless to say, you look a mess; eyes are rimmed red from crying, there’s a flush in your face and blotches of red muck up your cheeks.

 “Just breathe, get through today, you can deal with the rest later,” you say to yourself, clutching the countertop. 

 Turning on the faucet, you splash some cold water on your face to try and calm down. It somewhat works, or at the very least gives you enough courage to step back out to the party. Shawn’s in the kitchen talking to his parents, his dad cooking something over the stove and his mom putting together drinks in the blender. You approach slowly and wrap your arms around Shawn from behind. 

 He’s rigid, and doesn’t immediately respond to your touch. You kiss his shoulder through the cotton of his teeshirt and he relaxes a little under you. 

 “Shawn here was just telling us about how you’ve been looking at engagement rings,” Karen winks, “pick something shiny!” She whispers. 

 You laugh it off and Shawn pulls you from behind him and places your body in front of his. His parents go back to busying themselves as hosts and Shawn continues to hold you in his arms and not say anything. 

 He kisses the top of your head, “we still have a lot to talk about, but I don’t want to be pissed off at my parent’s party. I also really want to eat a cheeseburger and you know being pissed off gives me indigestion.” 

 You let out a breathy laugh and turn to bury your face in his neck, kissing his collarbone, “I love you, I’m sorry, I want this to work.” 

 Shawn hugs you tighter swaying you back and forth to the music that floats in from the speakers outside, “yeah, I do too.” 

 ---

 Two hours later you’re sitting at the edge of the pool in the Mendes’ backyard. Music is booming, friends and family are laughing and drinking and swimming. You lean back and welcome the hot sun against your skin. It’s a warm burn, and a welcomed distraction from this morning. You and Shawn decided to keep it a secret, for now. To wait until you two had decided what your next step is going to be. 

 “You know, I’m still not against putting a ring on it,” Shawn sits next to you and dips his bare legs into the pool. 

 You roll your eyes at him, “while I’m not against it in the future, I’d like to be able to drink at my own wedding.” 

 He kisses your forehead, “fair enough,” Shawn kicks your foot underwater, his lips still pressed to your forehead, “stop thinking so much about it. Just relax and try to have fun today, please?” 

 You nod, “yeah, yeah I will.” 

 A ball hits the back of Shawn’s head and you hear the chorus of giggles coming from his little cousins behind you. They can’t be older than maybe two or three. 

 “Come pway, Shawnie!” The little girl demands, she already has a juice stain on the front of her dress and she runs away when Shawn gets up to run after her. 

 You watch as he chases her around the backyard and scoops her up, swinging her around. She laughs and laughs and laughs until tears are running down her face. When Shawn puts her back down again she runs off to the next adult to get attention from. He looks at you and shrugs, your heart feeling so giant it may burst.

 “Want a drink, love?” Karen hands you one of her famous Daiquiris. 

 The reason it’s famous is for the massive amounts of rum she puts into it.

 “Oh no thank you,” you decline, “my stomach isn’t feeling the greatest today.” 

 She hums and places her palm on your forehead to check your temperature, “hmm, alright. I’ll make you a virgin one then.” 

 “You’re seriously the best,” you say, and she pats your head once before walking away. 

 You watch Shawn as he plays with one of his cousin’s babies. He can’t be more than a year old, just learning how to walk. Shawn props him up, offering him a finger to hang onto and they walk slowly across the lawn, the baby waddling beside him, babbling. They have a pretend conversation and you bite your lip to hold back a laugh as Shawn talks to the baby about vintage Fender guitars.

 Shawn lets go to let him walk by himself and he manages for a few steps before falling backwards onto his bum. Immediately, the baby is in tears, screaming. Shawn scoops him up and holds him close, cooing and rubbing his back until he stops.

 “See? You’re fine!” He says wiping away the baby’s tears, and plops him back down on the ground. He watches him crawl back over to his parents.

 Shawn catches your eye from across the yard and starts walking back to you, “you ready to swim yet, Baby?” 

 “Not today,” you respond. 

 “Suit yourself.” 

 Shawn pulls his shirt off and drops it on your lap before diving into the pool, splashing you. He swims up to the edge where you sit and kisses your knees, pulling himself between your legs. Honestly, he looks like a fucking God all wet in front of you.

 “The water is perfect,” he groans, leaning back into the water, “you should really come in.” 

 “I’m not feeling it today, Shawn, really.” 

 “Well - too bad!” 

 Before you can protest he’s pulling you in, fully clothed. 

 “You fucking asshole!” You complain through gritted teeth. 

 Shawn wraps an arm around you, using his other to keep the two of you afloat, “rule number one of parenting: don’t swear with the kids around,” he says before pecking your cheek. 

 He lets you go and swims away, you chase after him, splashing and pushing him under when you get to him. It’s playful and fun, the glimmer in his eyes and the creases in his cheeks when he smiles stops your breath for a moment. He kisses your temple and you almost forget about the pregnancy and the argument on the drive over. For now, it’s just this moment.

 “Everyone out of the pool, it’s time to eat!” Manny yells from the grill. 

 You and Shawn are the last ones out, too caught up in each other and below the surface touches, and sneaked kisses. He’s happily nibbling on your neck when his dad speaks up again, “Shawn, you eat cheeseburgers, not your girlfriend!” 

 Shawn opens his mouth to speak and you slap a palm over it, “I swear to God if you make a pussy eating joke in front of your whole family I’m going to drown you in this pool.” 

 He just grins and helps you out of the pool. Karen is already waiting with warm towels to wrap yourselves in, “here, come with me darling, we’ll find you something dry to change into.” 

 She pulls you into the house and upstairs to Shawn’s old bedroom. It’s the same as it was the day he moved out. You remember it the same as when you were younger but things seemed so much smaller now, and the world is so much bigger. You change into the warm clothes that Karen brought for you. There really is no better feeling than putting on dry clothes after swimming. You revel in that little moment for a second, laying on Shawn’s old bed.

 “Knock knock!” 

 It’s Karen.

 “Just checking to see how you’re doing.” 

 You scrunch your face, “I’m fine.”

 She tilts her head and does that total mom look, “oh honey,” she places her hand on yours, “I know you’re pregnant.” 

 “I cannot believe he told -” 

 “He didn’t have to, sweetie. I can see that stressed look on your face, you were crying in the bathroom when you got here, you didn’t have a drink,” she taps her temple, “pretty easy to put together.” 

 “Fuck,” you sigh, “I’m so sorry.” 

 Karen rubs your back, “why are you saying sorry?” 

 “Because I’m going to fuck everything up that he’s worked so hard for,” you sniff, fighing the tears, “it’s not fair to him.” 

 She sighs, “I know my son, I know he loves you. I also know he loves what he does, but I know he’ll be responsible for this baby with whatever path you decide to take.”

 You rest your head on her shoulder, “thanks, Mama K.” 

 “What’d you do to make her cry?!” Shawn squawks from the doorway.

 He comes and sits on the other side of you.

 “I think this is my cue,” Karen says, giving you a pat on the leg and leaving you and Shawn alone in his bedroom. 

 “She knows,” you mutter.

 “You told my mom?!” 

 You shake your head, “no, she just knew.” 

 “Well cats out of the bag then. Karen can’t keep a secret to save her life. Half the town will know by the time we get back downstairs.”

 You laugh and press your face into his shoulder, “are we making the right decision?” 

 Shawn puts his arm around you and holds you close, “as long as we’re in it together, it’s the right decision.”

[evanstanhoney]

Shawmila Tarot Reading 4🔮✨

Sorry for how late this is but at least it’s here? I pulled these 09/6 & 09/7. I pulled quite a few cards this time to get a full picture. I asked four questions, one about them as a couple/the relationship. One with Shawn being the focus, one with C being the focus and then one about them in the near future and ooooo boooyyyyyy.

Let’s start with the first question I posed which was ‘Where are they right now, as it stands?’

Him

Ace of Pentacles (Reversed): This card is all about instability. In the context of a relationship it means that he is no longer feelings stable in a relationship. Where it once brought him happiness he’s now feeling anxious and vulnerable, but in a not so good way. It’s also a card that can signify missed romantic opportunities which I find interesting. In the context of the rest of the cards I’m wondering if it simply means he missed a chance with happiness?

The Relationship

King of Pentacles (Reversed): This card can be several things. It can be a person, who is controlling on a partnership( this is interesting considering later cards that I’ve pulled that you will see later on). It can also signify a period of coercion, manipulation, jealousy and emotional insecurity. Having this card in this position tells me that this is by no means a healthy relationship at this point (clearly) and that one of them (based on the other cards I’ve pulled it’s C) has been and is being incredibly manipulative, but not from their perspective/necessarily intentionally. Not to mention the last time I pulled for them I got that they were over/a choice has been made as to where to go in the relationship, and thing we’re looking up for Shawn. So I think that she’s may have manipulated her way back into a relationship with him.

Her

Five of Wands (Reversed): A perfect card for a manipulative Pisces haha. I joke. But depending on who you stan/from where you view this relationship, this card makes Shawn kind of look like a dick tbh. OR it makes her seem like a manipulative genius (but in combination with the other two honestly I personally feel it’s the latter). But essentially what this card insinuates is someone that is trying to keep the peace in a relationship. Trying to avoid conflict and in doing so may be neglecting their own needs in an attempt to avoid any conflict. However, with the previous card, I get the impression that her avoiding conflict was her twisting things in her favor. I do not get the impression that this was some malicious thing though!!! I want to be clear I don’t think she’s an evil mastermind......I just think she’s a Pisces lol . She feels emotionally neglected, which makes sense because Shawns card is about his anxieties in the relationship so I get the impression that he kind of is neglecting her 😬. Now if you think she deserves it or not it’s up to you. But it feels like two people in a relationship and only one of them is trying. Which goes hand in hand with other things be pulled for them in the past! I always get something along the lines of her working hard on the relationship, or her work not paying off. It’s very consistent!

Bascially what I got from this spread basically is that she’s not fully letting her needs be known, and he’s not doing anything to find them out because he’s kind of in his own miserable buble about the situation and as a result neither of them are happy.

Next I asked about Shawn and where he was at mentally/ emotionally at the moment and pulled the following cards;

The Devil: I literally said “yikes” when I pulled this. This is arguably the worst card to pull for a relationship spread. On the card itself it’s the two lovers literally in chains, trapped by the devil. It’s a card about codependence and feeling entrapped and unfulfilled. What stuck out to me most about this card, especially considering the other cards I pulled for them is the fact that it’s a card about disregard for your partners feelings.(literally what did I just say lol) Now, this can be seen as really really bad, OR simply a misunderstanding depending on who’s eyes your seeing the relationship from. From C’s point of view he’s being a straight up dick, ignoring her needs and wants and focusing on himself and what he needs from her. On the other hand, it could be that he is just so wrapped up in his own head, and feelings of discontent that he’s blind to what she needs. Which is where I think I’m at here. Either way you have to admit.....it’s not a good look for him. You could argue that it’s only fair that her wants go ignored seeing as how she’s sort of manipulated her way back to him in the first place, but hey*shurg emoji*. This card is also interesting to me because of the codependency thing. It’s something that I know a lot of you have felt/mentioned to me and I have to agree. This also comes up again later on! It makes me wonder if the reason why they are still together is because they feel like they just can’t leave one another. And I get that impression. Something is keeping them both there. Idk what but it is something.

Ten of Pentacles (Reversed): Now this card I found SO interesting. This card is all about conflict between your love and family, and outside opinions on ones love life. This card in general I find interesting because it’s generally a family/security card. But in the context of this spread I see it as there being outside influences/opinions on their relationship. Not the GP, but those closest to them. For some reason I feel like this is about Shawn’s people? (Not people as in like his team but like friends family). I don’t know why, maybe because it feels as though he’s the one who is “suffering” the most between the two? Or at least more obviously. This is also a card about rough patches in a relationship or the sudden end to one. However based on the other cards I have I do not thing an end is the case. But I do think that unlike last time (last time being when they first got together) he is listening to those closest to him in regard to the relationship. The question is whether or not he will do anything about it....

Ace of Cups: Next to the other ones this one is a bit?????? In any other set of cards this card is a very positive card to have in a relationship spread. For this however it makes it a little bit more complicated. Because....I saw this as a “what could be”. This card is about new feelings/love, emotional awakening and letting go of emotional baggage. This is a card that encourages you to trust your gut and avoid over analyzing things. This can mean two things. This can mean that either a choice will be made to leave in where he will be happier in the end, or he will choose to ignore those outside opinions we talked about and work things through in which case there will be a new, deeper intamcy between he and C. Now.....with the rest of the cards I don’t see that. I think it’s the former. I think he will choose to walk away and he will be happier in the end. Or she will (which tbh I think will be the case). Either way I think he’s really on the cusp of some emotional growth tbh.

What I got from this spread is kind of like I said earlier, I think he’s in a spot doing some serious soul searching, with himself and the relationship. I wouldn’t say that he’s in a bad place but I don’t think he’s in a very good one either. But like he’s been the entirety of this relationship I think he is at a crossroads. I will say that, he’s not thinking long term! And he needs to be.

Then I asked about C and where she was at mentally/emotionally at the moment and pulled these cards. One of which you will find very interesting....I did anyway;

Four of Cups: This card is bleak. She is just...empty. This card is all about boredom and indifference, and feeling as though nothing is making you happy or passionate. This is an interesting card because like Shawn needs to do, this card calls for some serious self evaluation! Which considering them seemingly being in a relationship that doesn’t make them happy.....interesting.

Nine of Wands (Reversed): This card is interesting considering Shawn’s Devil card that I pulled. While his card suggests that he is ignoring her feelings, this one suggests that there are walls up. Which I find interesting because this is new for them! Before I got the impression that this was,at least on the surface, a very free open “happy” relationship and now it’s one with secrets and manipulation. Just interesting to note. This is also a card about a failing relationship and once again...being the only one putting in work. What I’m seeing here with this one and Shawn’s Devil is two people who are just on completely different wavelengths. There is a miscommunication, but there is also something there that is preventing them from leaving. I just can’t put my finger on what exactly that is.

Ace of Cups: Interesting right? Haha and honestly this could be a bad thing for those who are not a fan of these two. These two both pulling the same card, could mean that they will in fact work things out and have that deeper intamacy thag I talked about. But it can also be what it means for Shawn. That she’ll finally get the courage to walk away and end things with him and in the end find something that makes her happy. That she’ll let go of that emotional baggage and let her walks down for someone else (or like I said, Shawn). Just like Shawn she needs to stop over analyzing and start trusting her gut, which I belive is telling her to leave.

For hers I basically gathered that she’s not happy. She’s miserable but also I get the impression that to a degree it’s self inflicted. The same can be said for Shawn! I don’t get the impression that they are unaware of why they are suffering it’s just a matter of them doing something about it.

Lastly, I asked what’s in store for them in the near future, as a couple? Now this part....this isn’t so good. This is for if they choose to remain together, not them as individuals, thisnis important to rember.

The World: So this is very interesting because when I read for them on the 22nd of August I got this card for Shawn. Which is a very very positive card. It’s all about enlightenment and harmony and completion. This card alone would suggest that there is a happy ending for the two of them, one in where they would be together and in fact moving on to the next level of their relationship. But paired with the other cards I pulled for them, I see this as more of a “this could be you if you choose it to be” card. I think that there is the opportunity to be happy, and fulfilled and at peace, they just have make a choice on if they belive the relationship is worth it.

Two of Pentacles (Reversed): Again with the pentacles.....so this card is....not so good. It’s very bad actually. It’s a card that repsresents uneven or unbalanced commitment or effort in a relationship. A neglected relationship or partner. Based on everything that I’ve pulled to this point (and previous spreads that I haven’t posted) the way that I saw this card was that she is feeling neglected, like I’ve said I also think that in truth her attempts at trying to keep the peace and make things work, have turned selfish and in turn she is also neglecting Shawn and his needs. Maybe she has this idea as to what she wants this relationship to be like and she’s trying so hard to make this ideal but it’s just not working? But it’s one big neglecting fest in this house apparently.

Six of Pentacles (Reversed): This is once again...no bueno. It’s yet another card about a controlling partner. Which is not a coincidence! The power dynamic is off in this relationship! This is a card about taking advantage of love and someone in a relationship being taken advantage of. Someone is pulling the strings in this relationship and I think it’s C. She got the Five of Wands, and then Nine of Wands and now this? I don’t want to belive thay she’s doing this maliciously, but I do think with this just maybe she’s knows that she is being perhaps a little selfish and unfair in her expectations of him. And what she is trying to pull out of him. What’s interesting about this card is that it specifically talks about the other person in the relationship feeling trapped and dependent and if you rember I pulled the codependent Devil for Shawn in his solo spread. So take that how you will but I think that this all is pointing to her holding him ther through manipulation. She may even be holding something over his head to keep him there?

So what dose this all mean? I think that they have found their way back to one another. More accurately I think that she has somehow manipulated her way back to him. Unfortunately. And regardless of how you feel about the relationship.....it’s far from healthy. The vibe is way worse than before. I think they are both very unhappy. But for some fucking reason....they stay. But there is a choice to make, to leave and that choice will ultimately make them both happy in the end. Or they could choose to work through their problems and things will work out but based on the cards I’m seeing.....it’s best that they just walk away. There seems to be just too much negativity between them. One thing to note that could easily be nothing but because so many people belive in the PR storyline, i feel like I should mention it is the fact that there are multiple cards I’ve pulled that are associated with finances and money and money issues in a relationship. I don’t think it means anything but it’s worth noting for some I suppose? I do belive they broke up for a period of time but like I said....she Piscesed her way back. I will be pulling again. I’m not sure when but you’ll know when I post it!

Again as a disclaimer; I do not claim to be all knowing. I’m very new to tarot and just do this for fun so take all of this with a grain of salt, this is just my interpretation of the cards.

✨You can read my other readings here✨

[mendes8123-blog]

As You Wish

Summary: the daily struggle of living with chronic pain

warnings: none 

word count: 3.2k

Authors note: This is my first real imagine that i’m posting and I really don’t plan to use Y/N other than for blurbs so oneshots and fics I’ll be giving a name to the “reader”. If you would like me to use your name in a fic just drop me a message and I’ll use it for a oneshot. Anyway this oneshot hits very close to home for me so I hope you guys like it. Thank you for reading if you do!

Persephone's eyes fell shut as she swallowed hard, curling up tighter into a ball as the stabbing pain in her back became sharper and the burning ache in her stomach became more intense. She felt like someone was stabbing her with a sharp rock from the back and a knife on fire from the front. It was excruciating and awful. It was the worst pain she'd ever come to know, and unfortunately was very familiar with it. She knew this pain all too well. This pain was her life. 

Persephone had been diagnosed with endometriosis at the early age of eighteen years old after five years of suffering through incredible pain that she thought to be normal. She thought that cramps so bad you vomited were normal. She thought that all the pain she was having even when she wasn't on her period was normal and just her body changing. She thought that it was normal to have pain during sex and after sex. She thought it was just part of being a woman. She was very wrong. She went five years thinking this was just how it was. She never said how bad it was because she assumed that all women dealt with this pain better than she did so she never said anything because she didn't want people to think she was weak or was being a baby and overreacting. 

It wasn't until she was eighteen and in her first year of college that she learned it wasn't. She had been trying to study for an upcoming exam in the library with her study group but she couldn't think past the pain radiating from her abdomen. She'd gotten up from the table to go and get some water when the pain became overwhelming and she passed out right there in the library. She was sure she was fine but the librarian had called 911 and the paramedics insisted that she go to the hospital. After explaining to the doctor that she was just having period cramps, the doctor knew something was wrong. Persephone would never forget the moment that she was told that this wasn't normal. Surprisingly enough, she wasn't scared or upset by this statement. She was relieved. She was so relieved because she always wondered in the back of her head how could this be normal and to know that it wasn't was so relieving. She had an answer to everything. 

The day Persephone was diagnosed was a shifting point. She no longer had to try to hide just how badly she was hurting. She didn't have to hide how exhausted she was sometimes when she was in flare up. She didn't have to downplay her pain anymore. She didn't have to feel like she was overreacting. Everything got better after her diagnosis. 

But with a diagnosis came so much more. Persephone had to find a regular gynecologist and go on birth control to try and control her hormones even just a little. There was no cure for the disease and no real treatment either. All there really was was birth control to make an attempt at putting a cap on the cramps and raging hormones and flare ups because this disease came with so much more than just extra bad cramps. It came with terrible headaches from the constant up and downs of hormones. It came with breasts so sensitive that a shirt brushing against them was like scratching an open wound, making a bra not even something that could be considered. There was bloating so bad you looked pregnant. And one of the hardest parts was that sometimes, despite wanting it, sex was unbearable. That was one of the most emotionally damaging parts of this disease for Persephone. She couldn't have a normal relationship because there were times that she couldn't do that. Not just because penetration was painful but also because orgasms were as well. The second the orgasmic pleasure was gone it was replaced with shooting pain in her midriff that was not worth the pleasure. She didn't know how she would ever explain that to her boyfriend so she decided that she never would and would wait until things were better before she got herself into a relationship. But life had other plans.

Perse met Shawn a year after her diagnosis, and just like her disease, falling in love with him was uncontrollable. And just like the disease, their love was intense and consuming. And she didn't fight it. She let it swallow her whole because she knew she couldn't let endometriosis be the one to swallow her whole. She couldn't let it take that from her too. And she needed someone. She couldn't do it on her own forever. 

Persephone had been so scared to tell Shawn about the endometriosis because she'd never really had to tell a significant other before. She didn't know how he was going to react or what he would think. They had had sex somewhat early on. It was only possible because she wasn't in a flare up and her disease wasn't driving the car that was her life and she had taken full advantage of that gift of time she had been given.

When she told him about her disease, he'd surprised her in the best way. He had asked with furrowed eyebrows and worried eyes if this was something that could take her life. When she'd told him that it wasn't he'd taken her hand between both of his and nodded and said, "That's all that scared me." Persephone knew then that she'd found her other half.

Her heart was racing from the pain and she tried to focus on my breathing, taking one deep breath in and one deep breath out, waiting for the painkillers to take some, any of her pain away. This was the worst it ever got.

She heard the closing of the front door and whimpered. She did not want Shawn here for this. He'd seen her through her worst days and had been there for all of it but she still didn't want him to see her this way. She just wanted to suffer in peace and go through the pain without worrying. Once she’d been studying with cramps while Shawn watched TV next to her and she’d snapped a pencil in half with her bare hand from the pain. Shawn had looked at me like she’d grown a second head. Granted, he didn't know she was having cramps but it still made me feel self conscious.

"Honey?" Shawn called.

Persephone remained silent and curled in a ball, knees against the bed and her head against the pillow, eyes squeezed shut and teeth clenched tight.

"Oh, honey." Shawn sighed upon being met with the all too familiar sight.

His heart ached for her. He knew that this had been coming with the way she been acting the last few days. Her mood had been down and she’d shied away from his intimate touch like his hands had blades on them. He knew this was coming he just didn’t know when.

It never really got easier to see her this way. The first time he’d seen her go through it when it was this bad he’d been on the brink of tears from the helpless he felt. There was no pain quite like watching the one you live for go through agony and not be able to do a damn thing for them. She had told him this wouldn't kill her but it felt like he was watching her die that first time. He didn’t understand how she could get through this let alone go through it time and time again. How did she go to work and school like this? How did she manage to sit through the pain in public like she sometimes did? 

He didn’t understand how she did it but he felt like she was Wonder Woman when she did.

Her chin trembled and she suddenly wanted Shawn closer than ever. Sometimes the emotional and mental stress of the pain was worse than the pain itself.

"What can I do?" Shawn fretted, his hand resting on her back, needing to do something for her. He could feel her body trembling as a result of the pain.

She shook her head, feelings tears slip from her eyes. "Nothing." She croaked.

"Do you want the heating pad? Will that help?"

"No." She whimpered, sitting up and coming face to face with her boyfriend, tears in her eyes, covering up just how broken they looked. But Shawn could see through it. He always could.

He cupped her face, thumb moving softly against her jaw, eyes full of concern and brows pulled together. "It kills me to see you like this."

"I think I'm gonna throw up." She gasped suddenly, jumping up and away from him and to the bathroom due to the nausea becoming too much.

Shawn had learned with experience and time that all he could really do was be there and go through it with her. Hold her hand and rub her stomach. Hold her hair back if she threw up when the pain became nauseating. Bring her a heating pad for when the cramps were starting to lessen. Try to make her laugh and not think about the pain. That was all he could ever do but He always still felt so useless at these times.

Shawn rubbed her back as she vomited and handed her some tissue when she was done. She rinsed my mouth and leaned on the counter, hands shaking as the pain ran its course. There was nothing she could do but to accept the pain and that was the hardest part. When you were in this much pain you felt like you needed to do something, anything to stop the pain or to make it hurt less but there was not a single thing that could be done. It really fucked with a person to go through that over and over again, sometimes days in a row.

Shawn got her back in bed and pulled her into his lap, legs criss-crossed. His large hand went to her stomach and pressed down gently. She let out a gasp and swallowed but didn’t stop him. The pressure helped in the long run.

"I'm gonna die." She huffed.

"I swear you won't." Shawn hummed, his hand massaging her midriff.

"But I am."

"I wouldn't let that happen."

A silence fell and her small hands went into fists and she turned her head into Shawn's shoulder.  A cry started to bubble within her chest, the pain too great to emotionally handle anymore. She was so tired. This was always so exhausting to go through. It took so much energy in every way to go through this kind of physical ordeal. It always left her drained and falling asleep wherever she was when the pain finally lessened enough that it was minuscule to her.

"I don't wanna do this anymore." She sobbed softly. 

Shawn held her tighter, heart clenching as he placed a kiss on her head. "I know, baby. I know. I wish I could take it away and give it to myself. I'd do it in a heartbeat if I could. You don't know how much it kills me to see you like this. But I always want to hold you during these days."

Shawn let her cry and never let her go, being there for her. That was all he could do and it was all she needed from him. 

With time, too much time, the pain faded away little by little until she was left with no pain. She had stopped crying by then and was just being held by Shawn. It must have been at least an hour that they sat there like that, without him letting go of her once or loosening his grip. Even when her body went lax in his arms, coming down from the tense and strained state she’d been in, he didn't let her go. She took so much comfort in him. The warm smell he carried from his soap, the gentle sound of his breathing, the feeling of his hands on her, tight and secure. It all helped her more than he would ever know. It was always harder to go through this alone when he was on tour or recording. He would never know just how hard those times were to push through this alone.

"Sometimes I don't know what to do because I want to protect you from this but I don't know how to protect you from your own body." He confessed.

"You can't." She breathed, making him swallow with the words he had no choice but to accept. He knew he couldn’t do anything but dammit if he didn’t want to try like hell. He donated way more money than she would ever know into research and foundations for endo. He had personally spoken with world renowned experts on this, hoping that they could give him anything that would help the love of his life’s pain lessen. But there had never been anything to give Shawn. He’d pulled strings to have her seen by those very doctors but it was always the same thing: birth control and maybe in a couple years, surgery that couple possibly help. A surgery that might even do more damage than good. Sometimes the doctor would offer a narcotic but she always denied them, never wanting to go down that hole. Endo already ran her life enough as it was she wasn’t about to let whatever control was still in her hands be taken away by painkillers. That wasn’t something she wanted to bring into her life or Shawn’s life.

Shawn kissed her forehead gently. "You okay?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I think I need some water. That was intense."

Persephone moved off him, sitting on the bed and Shawn went to go and get some water. She lay there, feeling the endorphins still running through her body from the come down of the pain. It was an indescribable feeling; to go from excruciating pain to pain free. It was almost the same feeling as the afterglow of a really strong orgasm. She was tired, muscles relaxed after so much straining. It was very unique.

Shawn came back with a glass of water and she took it gratefully. He also had what looked like  a DVD in his other hand. She couldn't think of a better way to spend the night than watching a movie with him, especially after that episode.

Shawn felt like he could breathe again now that Persephone wasn’t in excruciating pain anymore. Her breathing was no longer labored and she had stopped shaking. Her body was no longer crippled into a tight ball of agony. For the next couple of hours she would be all smiles, warm with the fresh feeling of being painless. What she went through would never be something Shawn could just accept. He didn’t know how and he didn’t know when but someday he was going to get a cure for her. He didn’t care how money it took, he was going to find a way to make it happen. If not in time for her then for all the other women out there that suffered through this day in and day out. For their daughter than Shawn wanted so badly one day that may end up with the same disease as her mother through DNA. 

“What movie is that?” She inquired, popping her head up to try and see what he had in his hand. 

“It’s a surprise.” Shawn snickered as he turned on the DVD player.

“Shaaaaawn.”

“Perseeeeee.” He mimicked, popping the disc in. “You’re gonna love it. That’s all you need to know.”

She pouted and pulled the blanket up to her chin, shimmying further down into their bed while Shawn pulled his black jeans off his legs to get into bed with her. 

“Wanna order food?”

She looked to him with a gasp, eyes wide for comical effect. “Harvey’s?”

“Whatever you want, babe.”

Shawn ordered their food through Postmates before snuggling into the bed with Persephone, tucking her under his arm, humming as she hooked her leg up onto him, her chest facing into his side. 

“Thought you were gonna pass out for a second there.” Shawn murmured as the advertisements for other films played. 

“I’m okay, though. It didn’t get to that point.” She looked up to him, the frown on his plush lips not something she ever wanted to see on such a pretty face. His eyes were on the screen ahead of him but she didn’t need them to be pointed at her for her to see what he was saying with them.

“Makes me worry about what happens when I’m not here and am half way across the world.”

“Baby…”

“I’m so afraid you’ll be by yourself and pass out and be alone. I don’t want you to go through this alone ever and I hate that you sometimes have to because I’m not here.”

Persephone wet her lips, heart falling in her chest. She knew he felt this way, had voiced it to her in the past just never as to the point as this. 

“That’s life though, babe. You can’t always be here to hold my hand through it. And that’s okay because I know that you would be if you could. I’ve never felt alone, Shawn. I know you’re always there if I need you. You’re just a text message or a phone call or a facetime or a flight away. Remember when you were in Leeds and I called you because I was hurting so badly and you stayed with me on the phone for an hour just talking to me and letting me hear you breathe?”

Shawn nodded, remembering how badly he wanted to jump on a plane and how willing he was to cancel the show that was in four hours if you’d just said the words. Hearing her cry over the phone had been heartbreaking to say the least. He didn’t really know what to do so he just talked and talked about anything and everything he could think of, hoping to distract her even just the littlest bit and pass the time. 

“Couldn’t forget.”

“You were there for me. I didn’t need you physically here to feel like you were here.”

Shawn exhaled, eyes flashing down to hers. “I just never want you to feel alone in the pain.”

“I don’t.”

Shawn accepted her answer, pulling her hand up to his lips and kissing her knuckles. 

Just then the menu screen of the movie came on and Persephone let out a squeal, nuzzling into his chest. “You really do love me!”

Shawn smiled wide, playing the movie, the intro to the The Princess Bride playing. He knew she was going to recite almost every single line of the movie but he preferred it that way. 

Every time Westley told Buttercup “as you wish” Shawn whispered it into Persephone’s ear at the same time. And when Westley and Buttercup kissed at the end of the movie, Shawn gave Persephone that same kiss, cupping her face gently.

“As you wish.” He whispered as their lips parted. “My love.”

[purplesurveys]

440

Looks and Personality

What do you look like? I tick all the marks of a Filipina - kinda tiny, black eyes, morena, flat nose. I’m on the slender side, have thick, wavy hair that gets frizzy when it’s hot, and huge thighs when I sit down.

How often do you bathe? I don’t really have a constant schedule. I take a bath everyday when I have school; I could take a bath everyday especially during summer; but I can also opt to do it every other day when I feel lazy/when it’s colder.

How do you wear your hair? Down, low ponytail, high ponytail, or in a bun depending on what I’m wearing.

What colours do you tend to wear? Black, white, and any muted shade. I have very little color in my wardrobe.

Do you have any tattoos? What, where and why? Nope. I had always wanted to have a ton until I realized I was scared of needles.

What kind of clothes do you wear? My style is a mix of classy and trendy, so I’ll wear little black dresses with flats but I can also sometimes wear a simple top with culottes or long dresses paired with sneakers. Idk, depends on my mood for the day really.

What kind of jewelery do you wear? I’ve stopped wearing jewelry. The two necklaces Gab got me already broke and I haven’t had them replaced with any new ones. Not a fan of rings and I don’t really have bracelets.

Is there anything else you often wear? I’m not too picky with what I put on. My must-have is just a black hairtie on my wrist.

Would you say you had a “look”? Yeah I think so. I’ve molded my style to make it akin to Audrey Hepburn’s, who’s like my biggest idol eveeeeerrrrrrrrr.

When going out, do you dress up or down? Depends on what period of the sem I’m in. I’ll definitely dress up at the start because I want to look good in front of new profs and classmates lmao. But by the end of the sem when all the deadlines are piling up, I’ll go to class in the same shorts I wear at home, a hoodie with nothing inside, and NOT CARE.

What do you wear to bed at home? The thinnest clothes I could find, because it gets really hot. Tank top and shorts will do, but sometimes I’d opt for a tank top and just underwear.

What do you wear to bed when you’re somewhere else? I cover up of course. I’d switch up the tank for a t-shirt, but still keep the shorts.

Is there a place you keep any prized/secret things whilst you’re away? No. That place is my room already.

What’s your favourite food? Either pizza, curry, or sushi. I’m a sucker for all variations of the three.

What’s your favourite drink? Iced caramel macchiato is always so refreshing. OH and I FINALLY recently found out how I like my coffee! Hshssksh Kate poured me a cup of coffee last week and her mix was SO good omg it was 2 packets of cream, 1 packet of sugar, and it can take or leave milk. I’m so excited about this because I never learned how to make coffee that wasn’t just the instant one that does all the work for me. Now I finally feel like a grown-up hahahahaha

What’s your favourite dessert?  Chewy chocolate chip cookies, macarons, cheesecake, and souffles.

What’s your favourite type of food (e.g Mexican)? Indian and Korean. Japanese is a runner-up.

Do you have any mental problems? Yes. I don’t have the time, the money, and the courage to get myself checked and so I just try to get by and get better everyday.

Do you have any phobias? What? Why do you think you have this/them? Cockroaches, needles, and roller coasters. Cockroaches are fucking ugly and we had a lot of them (flying ones!) in our old house; needles are sharp and they hurt; and as for the last one, I generally get bad motion sickness but the whole phobia thing got worse when I had a particularly bad experience on a roller coaster in Singapore.

Why might somebody dislike you? I’m super nice but I’m not denying that I can snap whether it’s warranted or not. I come off a little strongly and it might rub people off the wrong way.

What skill do you possess that you are most proud of? Seeing things through. Like if I want something to work, I do it and I make it work. I hate failure and I like looking like I get a lot of work done.

What is your greatest strength (e.g. honest, loyal, brave)? Loyalty.

What’s your greatest shortcoming or flaw (e.g. cowardly, alcoholic)? My competitiveness can make me a coward. Like I will back out of things as soon as I can detect that I can possibly lose or fail.

Who do you most admire? I don’t really admire anyone.

Who do you most love? Animals.

What three things do you look for most in a partner? I don’t like boxing people into just three standards...I do take a liking to people who kind of stand out from the rest, are intelligent, and have the same stances as I do.

Do you like crowds? Depends on the type. I only like crowds I’m comfortable with, like a concert crowd.

What are your hobbies? Trying out new food.

If you can’t get to sleep in the middle of the night, what do you do? I’ll watch YouTube videos or scroll through Reddit. Knocks me out instantly.

What is your favourite animal? Dogs, cows, elephants, or pigs. Can’t really choose.

What is your favourite colour? Pink.

If you could ask God (to athiests - IF there was one) one question, what? Why’d they make the universe? What’s all of this for? Cheated for using two questions, but whatever.

Background

Where were you born and raised? I was born in Manila and raised in a city a little east of Manila.

Briefly describe your family. We’re five in the immediate family - my mom and dad have been married for 22 years and I have a younger sister and brother. I don’t talk to my brother anymore after an incident a few months ago; my sister and I are generally close. I have three grandparents that are still alive, but I’m generally closer to my grandma on my mom’s side since she lives nearer. I have 11 cousins but the number just gets so much bigger if you count second- and third-degree ones.

You must choose one - your childhood was calm/peaceful or tragic/turbulent? It was both, honestly. Since I lived with extended family growing up, I had relatives with drinking and violence problems on one side, but also relatives who strove to protect us from them and tried to give us a normal childhood. I can’t really pick one for you, because I experienced both.

Did you have any role models? I looked up to wrestlers from a very early age. Shawn Michaels and Lita were my childhood favorites.

What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? [Trigger warning: suicide] Attempting suicide multiple times, summer 2017.

How did it affect you? [Trigger warning: suicide] Profoundly. I wouldn’t have met my orgmates if I succeeded, because I only joined my college org after the attempts. At the time I did it, I had no friends in college so looking back on it can feel surreal. I also realized that I am scared of myself knowing that I’m capable of physically getting to that point.

Have you ever had any recurring nightmares or themes in nightmares? When my depression was a lot worse two years ago, I would always get dreams of either me or Gab dying. It was always either of us getting shot.

What were they? ^

Do you currently have a boyfriend/girlfriend? I do.

Do you have any close friends? Yes <3

Briefly describe your best friend: She studies architecture, has a mole on the left side of her face, has a classy sense of style, loves The Maine, has two shihtzus named Hailey and Kennedy (the latter after Kennedy Brock from The Maine), and is one of the most genuine, caring, and smartest people I know.

Any enemies? I don’t think so, unless people have a problem with me that they aren’t telling me.

Who? What are they like?

Would you risk your life for your best friend? (not lover or family member!) For Angela? Easily.

With who was your most important romantic relationship? Gabie.

Of what are you most proud? Going to school in UP.

Of what are you most ashamed? My home life. I’m an open book except for this aspect.

Alignment, Ethics and Religion

What is your religion? None. Atheist.

Where do you stand on abortion? Pro-choice. Ez.

Where do you stand on the death penalty? I’m against it mostly for the fact that execution is literally the easiest way out. For shitty people who have done shitty things, let them rot in prison until they die. For people who have done shitty things but want to be better, let them be better and give them a second chance.

Where do you stand on wearing fur? HATE IT. Wear faux fucking fur if you’re so adamant on wanting fur on your outfit.

Do you have a moral code that you follow? What? Don’t we all have our own compasses?

Could you kill somebody? If my loved ones are involved, absolutely.

For what reason would you kill somebody? If my loved ones are seriously harmed. For self-defense too.

Would you SERIOUSLY CONSIDER killing anybody right now? No, not right now.

Do you trust easily, or not? I trust in the first place; but I can easily take the trust away if it’s abused.

What are your political beliefs (anarchy, communism, democracy etc.)? I’m a social democrat. < God, I don’t really pay attention to labels lmao but this seems pretty accurate.

What, if anything, WOULD you sacrifice your life for? Gabie and/or her family. Way too important to me.

Would you ever, for any reason, abandon your friends in an hour of need? I don’t think I can.

Motivation

What are your dreams/ambitions/goals? Complete college, find a job that pays well, pay for a house, travel abroad, start a family.

How do you plan to reach them? Work my ass off I guess?

How would your ideal partner look? I already have one.

Do you ever want to have a family someday? With children? Yes. I’ll be crushed if I don’t get one.

Who would you want to start this family with, or do you not yet know? My girlfriend, ideally.

What would stop you from reaching your goals (e.g. death, retirement fund)? I’m very money-oriented, like I would rather earn a lot in an okay job than be in a job I’m super super super passionate about but has a lower pay, so I think anything with inadequate pay will definitely demotivate me.

What do you see yourself doing next year? This time next year I’m already polishing up my thesis. I’ll be graduating in a few weeks, and I would have already come out to my parents.

What do you see yourself doing in twenty years? Having a family and being at that point in life where I’m just accomplished. I’d want to be feeling that way by the time I’m 41.

Would you ever have an affair? NO.

Would you ever have a one night stand? Idk, not really for me.

What are your greatest fears? Being a failure.

More information

If you had a month of nothing (no work, no obligations) what would you do? Provided that money wasn’t an issue, I’d eat out. Always. I’d try out new restaurants and the quirkiest food out there.

How do you relax? Sleep, talk to my friends, watch YouTube videos, and, if I have time, take surveys.

What one thing would you change in this world (free Tibet, abolish Sweden)? Do something about pollution or climate change.

Would you ever choose a career or job where your life was at risk? You mean, a journalist? Hahahahaha hell no. But again, unless the job pays well, then no.

Why? In the case of being a journalist, it’s just not worth it to me...which is sad, because I used to be very passionate about becoming one. But when I realized the horrible reality of taking up such a career, it was very easy to turn away. I’ll always be sorry to my 13 year old self.

How would you like to be remembered after your death? Someone who went out of her way to look out for people, no matter the situation. As simple as that.

Random questions

Where you present at any major historical events (e.g. 9/11)? Nope.

How did they affect you?

Do you have any famous relatives? I have relatives in the local government, plus my maternal grandfather’s clan pretty much owns all of Mindoro Oriental so there’s that. I don’t have celebrity relatives though.

Do you have to try and live up to your family’s expectations? Of course.

Are you a loyal member of any organizations? Just the one I applied for in my university haha.

General Information

Name: Robyn.

Age: 21.

Date Of Birth: April 21st.

Race: Brown.

Height: 5′2″

Weight: Uh like 90 something lbs. Idk, it always fluctuates around the 90s.

Are you happy with this? I could gain more weight honestly. I’m a little underweight, and clothes I wanna wear sometimes don’t fit or suit me for being too thin.

Desired weight: A little over 100 would be healthier for me I think.

Sexual orientation: I don’t fucking know anymore lmao. I can be bisexual one day, pansexual the next, and demisexual the next. I don’t really answer when I’m asked this.

First language: Filipino. Second/Third/Fourth etc. languages (if any): English.

Why did you take this survey? I haven’t taken a survey in such a long time because I was swamped with work. Tonight is the first time in two weeks I had enough time to squeeze in a survey.

[goldendream-s]

decisions

summary; shawn is forced to choose between you and his girlfriend a/n; seven pages of angst and drama all in one -- my fav ;))

PART TWO || PART THREE

MASTERLIST || REQUEST

“Where’s Shawn?” Matt and your friends asked you for what must’ve been the tenth time tonight. 

You finished setting the last blanket over the couch as you claimed your favorite pillows for the night ahead of you. 

“Not sure,” you answered. “I’ve tried texting him for the past 15 minutes. The boy never checks his texts,” you laugh it off as you head to the kitchen to bring the two bowls of popcorn into the living room.

Shawn, Geoff, Ian, and Matt had been in town from Shawn’s tour for the last few days, and the five of you finally found a time to hang out again. You had all missed each other and since the tour had just wrapped up, everyone found tonight as the perfect opportunity to catch up. You had met the four boys through Shawn and although you had only known them for a few years, they felt like your brothers. They looked out for you and talked to you almost every day.

Shawn on the other hand, had been your best friend since middle school. The two of you met in English class in seventh grade and quickly bonded over each other’s love for Harry Potter and music. Although neither of you were the most popular in school, you and Shawn always had each other’s back through the years. He had brought smiles on your face during your worst moments, stayed up late with you during nights you couldn’t sleep, and given you advice that has stuck with you throughout the years. In turn, you supported Shawn’s music when the other kids at school didn’t, listened to his first song that he wrote, and cheered with him when he found out that he had just gotten his first major award show nomination. Now here you guys were, one year out of high school, and still partners in crime. You couldn’t of asked for anyone better to fill in the position as your best friend.

Everyone had gathered at Ian and Geoff’s place for a traditional movie night, but your best friend had been a no-show for the past half hour. Everyone including yourself was beginning to become impatient as everyone began making a dent into the stash of snacks before the first movie even played. You didn’t want to begin the night without him, but he had showed no signs of arriving any time soon.

“Why don’t one of you guys try to text him?” you suggest. “I’m starting the movie if he doesn’t show u-” your sentence was abruptly cut short as your doorbell sounded with a knock promptly following.

“That must be him,” Geoff called.

“I got it,” you said as you sat up from your comfortable spot on the couch. You’ve seen Shawn a couple of times since he’s been home, but that didn’t stop you from getting goosebumps of excitement and joy from seeing him again.

Jogging to the door, you look through your peephole to find Shawn and another figure standing on the porch. You didn’t remember anyone else inviting another person, but you opened the door for him nonetheless. 

“What’s up Shawn. Way to be on time,” you both laughed at your futile attempt to be sarcastic.

“Hey, sorry we’re late.” he apologized as you blocked his entry into the house. You wanted to know who the person he came with was and why he was late and you quickly got your answer. A girl with dyed platinum blonde hair and horrendous makeup was standing behind Shawn giving you a nasty glare. You couldn’t recall ever seeing her before, but she certainly seemed to have an idea of you.

“We?” you questioned, obviously but unfortunately aware that he was referring to himself and the girl behind him.

“Oh, um, yeah. I almost forgot!” Shawn exclaimed as he moved over to the side for you to get a better view of the girl. She was wearing a rather skimpy dress and heels, her tan noticeably fake. You weren’t one to judge, but you couldn’t help but already not like the girl’s vibes.

“Rylen, this is my bestfriend,” he said, introduced you using his nickname for you. We were late because we were on a date and I totally forgot about the movie night for a sec,” Shawn explained while scratching the back of his head. A blush had crept to his face, feeling the same tension you were feeling as well. 

Your eyebrows scrunched up as you tried to match her name with a face, finally recognizing Rylen as the girl Shawn had been talking to for a few months. He had mentioned meeting her at a bar at one of his American tour stops, instantly hitting it off with her. Shawn had shown you some pictures of Rylen before, but you didn’t imagine her to look so, well, bitchy in person. She certainly did not look like someone Shawn would go for, but you if Shawn was happy, you weren’t going to say anything. You understood how it was sometimes hard for Shawn to live and feel like a teenager, especially with all of the spotlight and fame attached to his name. A girlfriend was good for Shawn and you knew that any girl would be lucky to be dating your bestfriend. You were glad that Shawn found someone -- someone to give him the attention and love he deserves. 

What you were rather upset about was how he never told you that he asked her out. He was never hesitant to open up to you about his dating life, so you weren’t sure why it was any different this time around.

+

“Shawn?”

“Yes?” Shawn questioned as he made his way over to you. The two of you were in his room, the night before his first headline tour.

You had to pause for a moment, mentally debating if you wanted to tell him what was on your mind, but it was no use. Shawn saw through your doubts and immediately try to pry your wonders out of your busy mind.

“What’s on your mind? I swear you can tell me anything. I promise,” your best friend reassured you as he took a seat next to you on his bed.

“No, it’s stupid. Nevermind,” you tried pushing the subject away.

“It’s probably not as stupid as you’re making it out to be,” Shawn scooted closer to you.

“Fine, but you can’t laugh, alright?” Shawn nodded as you took a deep breath, preparing to admit the fear that had been creeping up on you ever since Shawn told you he’d be leaving.

“Our friendship w-won’t change right?” you asked barely above a whisper.

Shawn instantly straightened his back, making sure he heard you right. “What do you mean? Of course it won’t!” He chuckled before wrapping you in a hug.

Returning the hug, you tried elaborating knowing that Shawn wasn’t getting it.

“No, like the fame and people you’ll meet. What if we stop being friends? What if you find a girlfriend and decide that you don’t need me anymore?” you wondered aloud.

Your bestfriend pulled away from the hug as you spoke your thoughts.

“Are you serious? Of course, nothing will change our promise! You’ll still be my bestfriend, and I can assure you that no amount of fame, money, and girls will change that,” he grabbed your hand, squeezing them to comfort you.

+

“Hi, nice to meet you! I’m so glad that you can join us tonight!” you greeted. You stuck your hand out not sure if a hug would be too soon, but when she didn’t even move to shake your hand, you slowly retracted it staring at Shawn to help break the tension. Her mean stare had turned into a smug smirk.

Shawn only awkwardly chuckled to fill the silence, noticing the obvious downward shift in the atmosphere. “Well, let’s get this night started!” he cheered as you finally let the couple in.

As you led the two to the living room, you almost burst into a fit of laughter when you saw the three boy’s reactions. They looked just as surprised as you had felt, and you realized that Shawn must’ve not told them about his new girlfriend either.

“Guys, this is Rylen, my girlfriend. Rylen, you’ve met Geoff before, but this is Ian and Matt,” Shawn introduced her to his friend. You noticed his hands were intertwined with hers, but his foot was tapping the ground every few seconds, something he only did when he was nervous.

“So, how long have you two love birds been together?” Matt asks.

Shawn’s eyes immediately lit up as he moved his arms around Rylen’s waist. You felt uncomfortable just standing behind the couple, but they were in the way of your beloved seat.

“It’ll be three months in two days,” a smile spread across Shawn’s face as he answered. A chorus of ‘aws’ echoed through the room with his response.

Shawn and Rylen might’ve not been the cutest couple in your eyes, but you knew that Shawn was genuinely happy and content with the relationship.

All three guys were quick to greet and introduce themselves back to the girl, but something was different this time around. Instead of the stare Rylen gave to you when you met her, she hugged Ian, Geoff, and Matt as she had small talk with each of them. You were a little confused at the change in attitude but decided not to question it until later.

After all was said and done, you took a seat on the suede couch you had settled in earlier with Shawn and Rylen sitting to your left. Not more than half way through the movie, the couple was already making out and couldn’t get their hands off of each other. You were okay with the display of affection, but couldn’t help but feel awkward. It certainly didn’t help that Shawn’s shoulder would periodically brush your arm every time he’d adjust his tight position with Rylen.

Geoff, quickly noticing your discomfort asked Matt and Ian to scoot down, making room for you. Glad your prayers were finally being answered, it didn’t take long for you to move over to the couch across from yours.

“I’ve only met the girl one other time but damn, she can’t ever keep her hands off of Shawn,” he whispered into your ear while trying to hold back your chuckle.

You nodded in agreement and thanked him for getting you off of the couch with the touchy couple. 

“I didn’t even know they were dating until thirty minutes ago,” you giggle. 

You weren’t as upset about Shawn not telling you that he was dating someone, but you quickly let it go as the night progressed.

“I honestly thought she was just a hookup when I met her,” Geoff added to your concern. “Remind me to ask Shawn to never bring her to our movie nights again,” he laughed. You couldn’t help but join in, you and Geoff’s laughter making everyone turn their heads to you.

The rest of the movie was spent between you, Ian, Geoff, and Matt talking about Shawn and Rylen, the couple too busy making out to notice. The topic and focus soon moved to your dating life as you dismissed all of their questions saying you still haven’t found the one. You even joked about having the group hook you up with Charlie Puth, knowing that he opened for Shawn. 

“Hey, but if he’s ever in town, you know where to find me,” you humored.

Once the first movie ended, everyone decided to leave the living room to stretch and restock on snacks. Too cozy in your spot, you didn’t budge.

“I’m gonna be the washroom,” Shawn told his girlfriend. He left the room and you soon realized that it was now just you and Rylen. You went on your phone to try to avoid any form of communication with her, since you figured she didn’t really like you.  

A minute had passed, but she was quick to speak. “Okay, listen here Sarah,” Rylen spoke up.

“Actually, that’s not my name,” you laughed at her inability to remember your name, correcting her. You weren’t one to be included in drama, but you knew that Rylen was about to start trouble.

“Does it look like I care?” she quickly shot back.

Your eyebrows raised. She came off rude to you, but you never would’ve thought that she’d try to target you.

“Okay, look, I don’t really wanna start anything. The guys are literally right in the other room,” you laugh to try to lighten the situation.

“Listen here bitch or whatever your name is, I don’t want you talking or hanging out with Shawn anymore.”

“Excuse me?” you had to do a double take with the sound of her words.

“You heard me the first time,” she laughed. “I can’t be having anyone ruining Shawn and I’s relationship. My bestfriend this, bestfriend that, the boy won’t ever shut up about you. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that you were his girlfriend instead of me,” she explained. You felt flattered to know that Shawn talked about you, but all you were focused on was trying not to slap the stuck up girl.

“Okay, look, you have this all wrong. Shawn and I are just friends. You don’t have to worry about me ruining your relationship. Do you realize how irrational you are being right now?” you said, defending you and Shawn’s friendship.

“Again, does it look like I care? Just stay away from Shawn and problem solved!” she said, feigning enthusiasm. 

You were just about fuming by now. “Listen here. I’m not very sure what street or dumpster Shawn picked you up from, but I thi-” your comment was stopped by a stinging slap you felt on your right cheek. You immediately clutched your face, the unexpected hit stopping your comeback.

Figuring there was no point in stooping as low to Rylen’s level, you restrained yourself from hitting back.

“Fuck you,” you muttered as you looked around to see if anyone else had seen what she had done. Your luck was low as it was still just the two of you in the living room.

You quickly got up for the couch and headed to the door. In the time that the two of you finished the conversation, the other four boys came back to the living room, Shawn noticing your empty seat.

“Hey, where are you going? We’re only one movie in and you’re already tired?” He joked before he realized that you were at the door, putting on your shoes. 

“I don’t know, why don’t you ask your girlfriend who just slapped me and told me to stop talking to you? She’s scared that I’m gonna take you away from her,” you scoffed at her childish assumptions. 

Ian, Matt, and Geoff soon joined back in the living room, soon understanding the problem as well. Shawn left his place and briskly came over to your spot, inspecting the growing red hand print on your face. 

“Oh my gosh, what the hell, Rylen?” he almost yelled. His fingers were on your cheek, trying to sooth the mark.

“Babe, don’t listen to her. She got jealous and now she’s putting the blame on me! I didn’t lay a hand on her! Your so-called bestfriend was the one who tried to hit me!” she moved the strap of her dress to show a scratch.

You knew fully well that you never even touched Rylen, and you were becoming all too aware of what she was trying to do.

“Who are you going to believe, baby? Your girlfriend or your lying so-called bestfriend?” she said, putting Shawn on the spot. “You know I’d never lie to you like that,” she cooed, moving over to where you and Shawn were standing.

“C’mon, Shawn, please don’t tell me you’re actually considering her words,” you pleaded to your bestfriend. 

You knew he was torn just by looking into his eyes, though you wish that weren’t the case. The Shawn you knew would always put you first, he’d never do you dirty like that. But he’s never been forced to choose between his girlfriend or bestfriend.

“I’m telling you, babe. She’s trying to put me in the wrong!” 

Rylen lying straight to Shawn’s face was your last straw as you fished in your purse for your keys. You were about to open the door, saying your farewells to everyone. “S-Sorry, I think I’m just gonna go.”

“No, please wait!” Shawn called for you, but you were already out the door.

Too concerned with leaving the unfolding scene, you didn’t close the door, meaning you could still hear the conversation going on inside.

“Walk through that door and we’re through,” you heard Rylen’s high pitched voice echoing out towards the street. You instantly knew that the threat was aimed towards Shawn. You slowed your walking in hopes that Shawn would’ve gone through the door, meaning he would dump Rylen as well. 

Temptation overcame you as you looked over your shoulder for a second, turning back to the house that you just left. You could see Shawn’s eyes glancing back and forth between you and what must’ve been Rylen. You heard inaudible words being shot between Shawn and his girlfriend, and you crossed your fingers that he had dropped Rylen. After nothing changed for a minute, you gave up on waiting and headed to your car in defeat.

You were nearing your car’s door before you heard quick footsteps pattering behind you. A smile spread across your face knowing that Shawn had chosen you over his girlfriend. Shawn has always been there for you and he came through again. He left his girlfriend for you, his bestfriend. 

You quickly turned around to give your bestfriend a hug, but when you turned around to see Geoff instead of Shawn, your smile fell faster than it had come. Your stomach dropped and eyes welled with tears as you saw the reflecting frown on his face. You knew that you had gotten it all wrong.

You were the one that Shawn left.

——

check out my other writings >> masterlist

© sowhatshawn || all rights reserved

[totallylesbians]

1-99

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?Lately it’s been, in no particular order…-There’s Nothing Holding Me Back by Shawn Mendes -Curious by Hayley Kiyoko -Follow You by Bring Me The Horizon-Fuck You by Sleeping With Sirens (pop goes punk cover)-Perfect by Ed Sheeran -Just the Girl by The Click Five (All but Hayley are on my drag list, which is what I’ve mostly been listening to…)

2. If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Probably Alycia Debnam-Carey, honestly

3. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. Charlie bit Alex’s shoulder through her coat. “Just admit you love the…” line continues to “city in winter.” From KL Hughes’ The Art of Us

4. What do you think about most?I don’t even know, dude. My mind is so fucking random and scattered. It’s probably not good stuff if I really think about it.

5. What does your latest tattoo from someone else say?“Still”

6. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?I sleep with my boxer briefs on. That’s it though. Unless I’m on my period or sleeping with someone else or at someone else’s house.

7. What’s your strangest talent?I don’t know really. I can manipulate my voice a bit. It usually makes people laugh or be like “what the fuck?” I can bend backwards and make my feet touch my head too. So there’s that.

8. Girls…(finish the sentence); Boys…(finish the sentence). Girls…are strong and beautiful and need to realize they need someone to tell them that for it to be true. Boys…are strong and beautiful, too. Both need positivity and to be kinder to themselves and others.

9. Ever had a poem or a song written about you?No. My first girlfriend said she wrote a poem about me, but what she read me was actually what she wrote about her ex. That was kind of awkward.

10. When is the last time you played the air guitar?Earlier today. So like…3-4ish hours ago

11. Do you have any strange phobias?Not that I know of

12. Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?Not that that I can recall. Maybe chopsticks or a pencil when I was a kid but that’s about it. And I’m not even sure I did that.

13. What’s your religion?I don’t have one

14. If you’re outside what are you most likely doing? Walking. Or going for a run, if it’s nice out.

15. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?Behind it. Definitely.

16. Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?I’m going to have to go with Pvris. They saved my life. Other bands have too. But I have to say them.

17. What was the last lie you told?Probably “I’m okay.”

18. Do you believe in karma?Something like that, yes. For sure.

19. What does your URL mean?Essentially, that is blog is gay as fuck and contains anything lesbian related.

20. What’s your greatest weakness? Greatest strength?Weakness: stubbornness Strength: loyalty

21. Who is your celebrity crush?I have so many dude. Ryan Ashley, Eliza Taylor, Alycia Debnam-Carey, Kristen Stewart, Anna Kendrick, etc

22. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?Not that I know of

23. How do you vent your anger?Usually through violence and aggression. I yell. I scream. I throw things. I hit things. It’s the only thing that truly helps me. I can write and draw but it doesn’t help much at all.

24. Do you have a collection of anything? Movies. That’s the only thing that comes to mind.

25. Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Neither honestly. But if I had to choose…maybe talking on the phone.

26. Are you happy with the person you’ve become?No. But I hope to be someday.

27. What’s a sound you hate? Sound you love?Hate: high pitches like nails on a chalkboard and similar sounds Love: the sound of rain

28. What’s your biggest “what if?”What if I had been there when he died? What if I had gotten to say goodbye to him? Would I still be mourning him the way I do? Would it have made a difference in how/who I am now? I’ll never know. And it kills me.

29. Do you believe in ghosts? What about aliens?Yes to both. I’m not sure I’d call either of them that. But I definitely believe in both. I’ve had experiences that I can’t explain. And I find it hard to believe that out of the entire universe, we are on the only planet that has life.

30. Stick out your right arm, what’s the first thing you touch? Do the same to your left. Right: the arm of the couch. Left: the folded body pillow that we keep on the couch

31. Smell the air. What do you smell?The candle during. Lilacs.

32. What’s the worst place you’ve ever been to?The only place that comes to mind immediately was my ex’s mom’s house.

33. Choose: east coast or west coast?I’ve only ever been on the west coast

34. Most attractive singer of the opposite gender?I’m not sure exactly. But my favorite male singer would have to be M. Shadows from Avenged Sevenfold. I love his voice. He’s got nice tattoos and a great smile.

35. To you, what’s the meaning of life?I’m not sure I’ve found it yet

36. Define art. I don’t think I can. Art is subjective. Describing it depends on the piece. It depends on the person viewing the piece. I believe art is meant to make someone feel something though. It’s meant to express what the artist feels in some way. Whether it’s pain or beauty and anything and all in between.

37. Do you believe in luck?Something like that

38. What’s the weather like right now?Calm. Somewhat cloudy skies. Maybe a slight breeze.

39. What time is it?Currently, as I reach this question, 12:08am

40. Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?Not legally, yet. But I have crashed. Just about everything I’ve ever rode/driven. At least once.

41. What was the last book you read?Published book: The Art of Us by KL Hughes

42. Do you like the smell of gasoline?Not really

43. Do you have any nicknames?Spiffy is my most popular one. A few call me Midget. And family members call me one too, but I’m not saying that one.

44. What was the last film you saw?I’m currently watching Salt. But the last one I watched through and through was The House

45. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?Probably whatever happened to my wrist. Considering it still hurts over a year later

46. Have you ever caught a butterfly?No. But I remember raising one from a caterpillar in elementary school and releasing them as butterflies.

47. Do you have any obsessions right now?Not that I know of

48. What’s your sexuality?Gay/lesbian

49. Ever had a rumor spread about you?I’ve had quite a few spread about me. I think the ones that effected my life at the time the most was that I was pregnant or that I was trans.

50. Do you believe in magic?I’m not sure

51. Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?Yes. Absolutely.

52. What’s your astrological sign?Taurus

53. Do you save money or spend it?A bit of both, but more so save it. I spend it on necessities for the most part and save the rest.

54. What’s the last thing you purchased?A smoothie, a lemonade, two bags of chips, and two boxes of donuts.

55. Love or lust?I’d rather have love

56. In a relationship?No

57. How many relationships have you had?4, technically. One only lasted like two weeks and was long distance so I don’t count it. One with a boy, 3 with girls.

58. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?Nope

59. Where were you yesterday?I know it’s technically past midnight but I haven’t slept yet so I’m going to say that it’s from the 9th. And I was at work.

60. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?Yes. My stuffed dog I’ve had for as long as I can remember

61. Are you wearing socks right now?No

62. What’s your favorite animal?Probably otters

63. What’s is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?I don’t know. I don’t think I have one. I don’t care if people like me or not.

64. Where is your best friend?Probably in bed at home. I don’t know.

65. Give me your top 5 blogs on tumblr.Some that come to mind are @eatmeoutnowbabe@ericajonorris@perksofbeingalesbian@yourgaydarisonpoint@youknow-me-not-my-story

66. What is your heritage?I’m Native American

67. What were you doing last night at 12am?Laying in bed

68. What do you think is Satan’s last name?Probably something cheesy and harmless sounding

69. Be honest. Have you ever gotten yourself off?Never

70. Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?Kind of. To an extent

71. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?Save the dog. Fuck my boss. I can find a different job. That said, my actual boss, wouldn’t do that to me

72. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. A) do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? B) what do you do with your remaining days? C) would you be afraid?A. Maybe a few people, but not everyoneB. Live my life to the fullest that I canC. I don’t think so

73. You can only have one of these things: trust or love?I think this is a trick question. I think they go hand in hand a bit. But I choose trust over love.

74. What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?Not sure really. Maybe Goodbye Earl by the Dixie Chicks. It reminds me of some good times in my childhood

75. What are the last 4 digits of your cell phone number?7260

76. In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?Open communication. Trust. Honesty.

77. How can I win your heart?Can’t win what I don’t have

78. Can insanity bring more creativity?Maybe to an extent

79. What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?Getting Dexter

80. What size shoes do you wear?Depends on the brand and style. But anywhere from 5-7

81. What do you want to be written on your tombstone?“I’m not easy to kill…fuck”

82. What is your favorite word?Fuck

83. Give me the first word that comes to your mind when you hear the word; heart?Less

84. What is a saying you say a lot?“It is what it is”

85. What’s the last song you listened to?Follow Me by Uncle Kracker

86. Basic question: what is your favorite color/colors?Black

87. What is your current desktop picture?I’ll reblog a picture of it. I posted it before

88. If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?My mom’s ex-boyfriend’s son

89. What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?I’m not sure, honestly

90. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find out you are surrounded by mummies. The mummies aren’t doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?Tell them to fuck off. Or kill them. Depends I guess

91. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with a superpower of your choice. What is that power?Transfiguration/shapeshifting

92. You can relive any point of time in your life. The timespan can only be a half hour, though. What half hour of your life would you like to experience again?Any time I had with my best friend before he died. I don’t care if it’s us playing. Or sleeping. I just want one more moment with him

93. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?Nothing. My past has made me who I am. I am a product of all that I have been through. I may not like myself, but this is who I am. If something hadn’t happened, I may not be the me I am now. It’s up to me to change and become the person I want to be with everything that’s happened.

94. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice. Who will it be?Probably Lynn Gunn. Maybe Lauren Jauregui

95. You just got a free plane ticket to go anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you going to go?I don’t know specifics. Somewhere where no one knows my name or my story. Somewhere where I’m free to be whoever I want to be 96. Do you have any relatives in jail?Probably. I think my cousin is in prison. Looking at like 25 years I think.

97. Have you ever thrown up in a car?Not that I remember. But I heard that I did when I was black out drunk a few years back

98. Ever been on a plane?Yes. Quite a few times. But only for visits to two places.

99. Answered

[softboywriting]

Summer Heat

Hello, I’m extremely new to this fandom. I used to write a lot of fics, blurbs, imagines and what not for the one direction fandom but had since moved on from that. Really it’s a long story of how I ended up here. But please enjoy, I’ll continue if y’all really like it.

Synopsis: A fic where you and Shawn are camp councilors and you hate his guts. Sexual tension ensues. 

Part 1 (you are here)

Part 2

Part 3

____________________________________________________

This was hell. Officially hell. It feels like fire burning through your veins and settling in your stomach. He makes you so angry, just the sight of him makes you want to throw something. He’s got that fucking smirk on his face, knowing how he affects you. You look away, he doesn’t. It’s the first day of summer camp and you can't believe he is even here.

You signed up to be a councilor ages ago, before school was even over. You knew it was what you wanted to do with your summer to make a few extra dollars before starting college in the fall. The work was easy enough, make sure the kids don’t die and have fun and the kids were always a joy to work with. You had gone to this camp as a child and it held fond memories, aside from the hell spawn that was currently standing a few feet away from you.

Shawn Mendes.

Since grade three he’s been your arch nemesis. You grew up only a few houses apart, went to the same schools, attended the same classes until high school and went to this camp every other summer. In high school you only had to share five of your eight classes with him, for four years, which was just the worst and honestly what were the chances of that anyway.

The thing about Shawn is that he seems like this sweet do good boy. he’s handsome, smart, athletic and would literally give you the shirt off his back if you asked. But that wasn’t the Shawn you know. Oh no. The Shawn you know would tug your braids and get you in trouble for talking to, no, scolding him in elementary school. Without a doubt you would always get in trouble, not him. No. He was the prized student, the apple of every teacher's eye, and of course nobody ever saw him do it. So you would look like a liar every time you said he pulled your hair or took your pencil, or he hid your backpack. The guy was invisible to everyone but you it seemed.

In high school he was the worst. He shot up about a foot, filled out very nicely and had girls going gaga over him every couple minutes. As much as it killed you, you couldn’t help but notice these changes. It was sickening to watch him smile at those girls and lead them on with flirty winks and cheeky grins. Absolutely disgusting. But what was more disgusting was how his teasing of you evolved. He was long past braid pulling and pencil thieving. Oh that was just too easy, too expected by then.

No. He would do something else. Embarrass you. Shawn’s favorite tactic to tick you off was holding hands. He would sneak up beside you or behind you in the crowded halls during passing periods and grab your hand, threading his fingers with yours and holding tight. You would tug your hand away, call him some foul name, and he would laugh. Of course people would notice this gesture and of course the girls who had the hots for him would come to you day after day asking if you were dating. To which you would vehemently reply a stern, “No, he is disgusting, I hate him.”

His other favorite teasing tactic was note passing. Better yet, note passing very obviously as to get caught and have the teacher read what was written as consequence. Of course you never wrote him any notes, but he would write the note for you, and write his reply after it before ‘passing it’ and getting it caught. The first time it happened in sophomore year you denied writing the note and even compared your handwriting to his imitation of yours. They were no match and Shawn got in trouble. By junior year, he had managed to mimic your handwriting and contesting the validity of the note via handwriting went out the door.

Senior year was the worst. it seemed that you couldn’t avoid him at all. He made friends with your friends, sat at your lunch table, kicking your feet beneath the table for a solid half an hour everyday while you glared at him. He would steal your homework for your classes together and then pull it out after you realized you didn’t have it, announcing loudly that you had left it at his house last night. He was just insufferable.

Insufferable until you blew up at him in the middle of the lunch room on the last week of school. Something in you snapped and you laid into him, getting yourself in a world of trouble that you talked your way out of, chalking it up to stress about finals and college selection. After that day, he didn’t so much as show his face around you, not even at graduation did he try to bother you. Nope, nothing happened and two weeks passed before you went to the camp to work for the summer. Not once did he prank call your house or knock on your bedroom window at an ungodly hour, absolutely nothing happened.

In those two weeks you felt bad. You shouldn't have, he deserved the blow up he got, but part of you missed him in a stupid, sick to your stomach kind of way. At first you wrote it off as it just being the sudden change in your daily life, the quietness. It wasn’t that though. You knew it wasn’t. You actually missed him. The way he smiled too big, the way he laughed at your annoyance. How his hand was so damn big when it wrapped around yours, and always really warm. Why was his hands so fucking warm? You came to the realization that maybe you didn’t hate him. Maybe...maybe he was trying to get your attention in some stupid way but you were so hell bent on being frigid to him, you couldn't see that before.

So here you stand, feet apart from each other and seeing his face is giving you a burning feeling of annoyance mixed with fondness in your stomach. He hasn’t spoken to you, or you to him. You don’t even know why he’s here. You can only assume he got wind that you were going to be working there all summer, and he just couldn’t leave you alone.

The camp director, Ms. Miller, is assigning cabin numbers and you hear your name called. You’re the last to be assigned and you hadn’t been listening so you don’t even know who your cabin companions will be. “Cabin 15, Bear Cabin.” You're elated, but also confused. It’s the farthest cabin from the main hall, close to the lake and very quiet. It’s usually only used for meetings and if the senior councilors want a break from everyone.

Before you can ask why Cabin 15 is being used, the director keeps talking. Turns out you weren’t the last to be assigned a cabin. “Shawn Mendes, Cabin 15, Bear Cabin”

Your heart sinks, face pales and you look at him. Hes grinning like an idiot, like he can’t believe his luck. Surely, some god somewhere in the world was having a laugh right now. There was no way you would be bunked with him. Besides, coed pairings weren’t allowed.

You go to protest but the camp director cuts you off, holding a hand up as she speaks, “It’s unusual to have a coed cabin pairing, but we had no choice due to overbooked campers needing three of our councilor cabins for the summer. You will notice cabins 12, 13 and 14 are all housing three councilors at this time, the maximum allowed by park regulations. There will be no fraternizing allowed in the coed cabin. If word gets to me that there is relations going on in that cabin, you will both be sent home.”

Shawn steps forward, you pray he is going to say something to get himself booted right then and there, but he doesn’t. Instead he says, “Ms.Miller, I would never fraternize with my co-counselor. How could I do such a thing and leave our group of campers with no one to lead them. You have my word.”   

Ms. Miller buys his huge grin and charming words as she takes his hand and shakes it. It’s not until he turns away, walking toward you that he licks his lower lip, taking it between his teeth as he looks you over. There was no way in hell he was laying a finger on you. No way in hell. But then again, this was hell.

[dianasdabbles-blog]

The meeting

"Back and forth like a tug of war,

What's it all for, do it want it...."

June 2016,

"What?" Gobsmacked. Absolutely Gobsmacked. "What... What do i do Pia?" Staring at a similar face to mine, our jaws seem to not want to return to their original place. What just happened, i hear you ask. Let me tell you.

What just happened was that Andrew G. Shawn Mendes the singer songwriter, who i some what dislike - not hate because hate is a strong word which totally is saved for people of pure evil, has emailed me asking if i could "meet up" with him tomorrow due to being the "perfect candidate" to put some of Shawn's rumours to an end.

"Kennedy East Everrett,

After looking over your social media and background, Island Records and Myself as Shawn Mendes' Manager strongly believe you are the perfect candidate to help Shawn regain his status. I must say we are quite impressed with you dedication and commitment you have shown through your early sporting career, which we understand you got an offer you had to knock back mid last year. Our deepest apologies.

What would be involved for yourself is that you will become Shawn's  significant other for a minimum period of 6 months. If rumours haven't come to a lull by then, you will be asked to stay longer.

In saying that, it will commence immediately meaning you will be flying out at the end of this month to follow Shawn on the rest of his World Tour. After his World Tour finishes you will be asked to stay in his home town Pickering, Canada for a couple of weeks.

After that you will be allowed to fly home for a maximum 8 weeks and depending on Shawn's plans, he will either fly to you and spend a few weeks there or you will fly back out to meet with Shawn.

If you wish to know more about this offer, I will be flying into Australia sometime tomorrow morning. Please come to the Pullman's at 11:00am and ask for room number 308 as this is where we will discuss the rest of your contract, in full.

Sincerely Yours,

Andrew G.

Island Records."

So this led to Pia and myself literally going through all the gossip magazines as well as online articles of all the dating rumours Shawn has tied to his name. It goes from girl to girl to his best friend to a guy back to a girl. My head is spinning just thinking of all of those names let alone being him who has to deal with all the questions thrown his way in every interview.

"How did they even find me?" I start to question, "How did they even find my social media?" Laughing a humourless laugh. Did they just track me down somehow? How though? I didn't even think that was possible let alone i'm a nobody in the social media world, like come on i have 0 followers on twitter which i signed up to a few months ago and only people i know on Facebook and Instagram - which is on private by the way.

I doubt they would have looked too much into my sporting career but they must have if they knew about the offer. Nobody knows about the offer. My head is spinning.

"What if it's not them though? What if this is some fake?"

"But I think i have to go P..." Coming to my realisation that i need to go to understand what will be happening and to ask the thousand questions swimming in my head. "I have to go..." Staring blankly as Pia slowly starts nodding in agreement.

-:-

To say i was nervous was a complete understatement. I had no idea what was going to happen and i still didn't know if i was going to accept it. If i did accept it what would happen to hockey? What situation will that put me in there, as nerve-wracking as it is i was still somewhat excited. Excited about the possibilities of travelling, seeing the world, venturing out of my comfort zone. And of course, having a "significant other".

I have always been so focused on my sport that i had zero time to date anyone, once i went one this date and it was the worst experience ever! We went to the movies and watched Pitched Perfect (yes, that is how long ago it was) and even though i had seen it 4 times before, he was completely involved in the movie which was great but did i mention i had to buy my own ticket? And drive myself there.

Once the movie finished i was so hungry i could've eaten my arm so i asked "Oh did you want to go get some food or something?" and of course he turned around and was like "Nah" and that was the conversation. Needless to say my mum was coming to pick us up and drop him off so i was left starving.

As we were waiting for my mum to come an older lady started talking to me which i was more than grateful for, i honestly think she could tell that's how bad it was.

So after that one date i promised myself never to let it happen again and here i am 4 years later getting handed a boy. Ha. Funny that but i wasn't going to make the mistake of falling for him even if i do take the offer.

I am doing it for me and he will probably kick me to the curb once i am no longer needed. I'll just play the part, it's just a job.

-:-

10:50am i walk into Pullman's, hands starting to sweat i wipe them on my jeans and pull my hair to one side hoping this was the right choice.

"Room 308 please." smiling at the receptionist hoping this won't take long,

"I'll need some ID first" Handing over my drivers license, she takes a quick few notes before handing it back directing me to elevator. "Level 3 room 8" she smiles before sending me off.

Maybe i should wait till right on 11 before knocking, will they appreciate me being early but what if they aren't ready yet or even worse, not even here.

Ding

The elevator breaks my train of thought as i walk out biting the bullet as only two minutes have past. Approaching the door, taking a deep breath before knocking.

The wait felt like forever, standing waiting for someone to answer when a really tall, muscly man answered the door.

"What are you doing here kid?" His voice was deep and i almost didn't catch what he said as it was almost mumbled.

"Uhh.. umm.. I'm here to see Andrew?" My voice barely came out as a whisper as i tried to quickly pull myself together.

"Ahhh, so you're the mystery girl here to help Shawn! Well then, right this way ma'm"

"My name is Kennedy, you don't have to call me ma'm" He stopped in his path and i had a mini heart-attack as he just looked at me. Did i say something wrong? What have i done, my life is going to end! Finally he smiled,

"I know who you are Kennedy, i was apart of the group that found you." Wrapping his arm around me as he guided me further into the room. Whispering as we turned the corner "Besides you already passed one test" as i was meet with what felt like a millions of eyes all on me.

I don't know what came over me, well actually i did. I froze. There were three security guards, including the one whose name i didn't get, plus another guy who i am assuming is Andrew.

"Kennedy. Hope Big Rob was welcoming" Ah, so that's what his name is. "Thank you for coming today, i'm Andrew, Shawn Mendes' manager." Shaking his hand with a polite smile "Please take a seat and we'll get started."

[fortheloveofcringe]

For the past six months I have just been on a ride where I extract the very best and worst of what I have, put it in a wall, examine what will propel me to a better future and make elaborate quick choices that taught me that life is more than just examining it. Although Socrates had said that a life unexamined is a life not worth living, I also found out that there is much freedom with a life that is just lived and not constantly questioned. I live my life wondering about the what’s and the if’s and I honestly have figured out a lot of things but none of the  stays in my head for extended periods of time. All of my realities at the very moment they are happening are shaped by my exact reaction and opinions about it and dare I say my life has been a shit mess because I’ve always pictured it as  a shit mess. When I came to that PRIDE activity where I posed as a living book and shared my life story, I made a conscious decision about how I approach my life from that point forward. I made sure that I will never be defined by the rejections that I will face and called my book “Turning Sorry’s to Thank You’s”  kind of like a little nod to Ariana’s Thank You, Next.

 When I backtrack, I’m always sorry about being myself when I shouldn’t be. I have always felt guilty even for the things that I shouldn’t even feel guilty about (I honestly feel like anyone can frame me for murder because I would sweat a lot just by being accused.) Anyhow, it’s just how I lived I have always been my own support system, with a  sprinkle of Mom and brother’s love, but ultimately, I try my very best not rely on other people. But that’s not what I figured out this year. I figured out that there is more to life than just cracking the equation and believing yourself. Sometimes you have to make sure you talk slower, and listen harder. You have to look around, not questioning things, but making sure you absorb enough reality so that you wouldn’t make-up some scenarios in your head that you worry about for at least 5 hours later after 12 in the midnight.

 Right now, I’m glad that I’m able enough again to write this journal here on tumblr because my last post, damn, I was ready for sweet death, which by the way I am and will always be, I think that’s my edge amongst my age group. I have accomplished enough to understand that reputations and lifeways have very distinct characteristics that affect my super conscious  perception of my exact self, in a society orchestrated by government systems, traditions and religion that I have always complained about, which by the way, I should just ignore because, well, life is a heck more fun than focusing on the things I can’t actually control. There is much more power in accepting the range of your capabilities more than believing a delusion that will just upset you in the end, or have an upset stomach for in the end, as latest experience says.

 This is about my body and my mental chemistry. I have always made sure that I am not body negative or body positive, I was just neutral, like I’m not cheering for what I have and degrading what I have, I was just, I just respected what I have always had. But my recent experience about an ex who was always conscious about his macho exterior had me thinking if I needed to be macho as well to be accepted in the society. I have a full understanding that money figures are mightier than physical figures and you don’t need a hot body to be hot, you just need a perfect bank account to be a trophy, but I just figured, why can’t I have both?

 But then earlier this week I just had a run at some hospitals and it was disappointing for the first one but quite a relief for the second hospital that we went through. The first hospital had very problematic and almost scary people working on it. Here are a few things they’ve done during my stay in the emergency room:

 1.      Blasted Camila and Shawn’s Seniorita while people are dying in the E.R. talking about how concerned they are for Shawn’s social anxiety than US who are in their immediate contact.

2.      They have an off-putting way of asking questions which will make you feel like you are lying about your condition even if you can literally see blood dripping on the floor from your body.

3.      Talk bout death of other celebrities while PEOPLE ARE DYING IN FRONT OF THEM. HEY.

4.      They keep asking me as to when my mother would arrive, which translated to me at that moment as “Can your mom pick you up, we don’t want to serve a lot of people here.”

5.      HAD SNACKS AND ALL TYPE OF SHIT FOOD IN THE E.R.

6.      One of the witchy Doctors was just so bitchy she had to remind my mom later in the evening in a very SARCASTIC WAY when we returned that I refused to be confined in their hospital so they can’t accept us ad we have to be reffered and that such is a long LONG process (which in translation is, we can’t serve you). WELL OF COURSE I REFUSED TO BE CONFINED BECAUSE I’M CRAZY AND I WANT TO DIE. She  needs to know that I refused because I have observed them well enough specially with their very unwelcoming way of handling patients that I can’t put my self under their care.

7.      Puncture my body twice for IV after making an error in my vein. Nothing too concerning.

8.      The same witch Doctor said these things on the course of my stay: “I’m gonna die in this place” “People can’t demand quality service from us because we don’t get quality service ourselves. Even us doctors have to get in lines and shit.” “I feel sorry for Shawn Mendes for having social Anxiety.”

 Now the second hospital I gotta make sure that when I become successful, I have to donate equipment in their facilities because they did me a solid. RTR hospital is the best. It was a choice of which hospital was nearest and both where nearby. So anyway, this hospital did me a solid. Here are a few things they’ve done:

 1.      Ran a helpful assessment to my condition with careful tones acknowledging the fact that there was something wrong with me as opposed to the other hospital which assumed stuff.

2.      Reviewed my medical history CAREFULLY.

3.      Assisted us in our laboratory tests (which was yes, recommended by the other hospital but damn they were just so ready to kick us out that I wasn’t feeling staying for laboratories in their facility for that long.)

4.      Reviewed my prescribed medicines and filled out EXACT times and dates for intake WITHOUT RAISING EYEBROWS.

5.      Allowed us to ask questions and responded without being sarcastic. Professional Vibes only.

6.      Compared to the other hospital, they were able to NAME what was wrong with me which was actually Abdominal Discomfort. Damn I have been waiting for that. I just wanted to know what’s wrong with my body.

7.      Compared to the other hospital, they were serving a lot of patients that night (the other one was just serving at lest three people and their doctors are already shouting I’d ie in here!” not to mention they have high tech equipment and a full nurse force) and they still remained calm and helpful.

8.      They pretty much had an awesome Doctor and Nurse force that night, shoutout to the hand some nurse who I kept taking a peek at when I was looking like a bag of shit on the E.R. bed, I guess flirting doesn’t have a time.

9.      I was fixed. I mean thank God I’m making this right now because of them

 Ultimately what I want you to take from this is that everything is a reciprocation. If you’re a doctor or a nurse who cusses out, rejects people or whatever, your gonna get the same rejection from your patients. If you give out hate, you receive hate, if your give out lies, you receive lies, I think that should be a golden rule in everything that we do. If you harbour negative energy, that same energy will whip you right back because when we came to that first hospital I remember giving the doctor who spoke to my mom in a very pointed tone the death stare after she gave me a left eyebrow. Anyway.

 Also, if you do good to other people good stuff will come back to you. now I do pledge that if I make my first million from my youtube account, I’m going to donate some equipment to RTR hospital for saving me. I went home that evening feeling like angels carried me home even if I was limping from a bad stomach.

 What I’m trying to relay here also  from that long intro about my body is that I fucked up my body by eating less these past few months. I thought the best hack to lose weight was not to gain weight at all. The trend is intermittent fasting and boy do I say the internet is still not the most credible source for everything.

 When I broke up with my ex, I had a revenge plan of making my self look like one of the boys he was drooling endlessly for on instagram; macho muscular guys who sound like bats when they talk. Anyway, shade aside, I figured one common pattern from them. It was sourced from a deep form of social anxiety that they rip and shred their bodies from pimple insuding protein shakes and rigid muscle enhancing work-outs just so they would feel accepted, and I get it, there is nothing more hot than being objectified by a low life as what they say, but it just didn’t feel right to me that I would shave off the outside just so I could start shaving in the inside. But I still tried. No harm on that, well there is. When it’s done in the wrong way.

 I got sent to a hospital for abdominal discomfort from a very weird diet. I eat, I don’t eat, then I do something which I will call, “tickle my throat” but not in a sexual way, more like a very bad idea of making sure I don’t gain weight by having a controlled mechanic of what stays in my body and what goes out. Some people call it bulimia, I call it being a master of my own universe.

 SO I tried that, and again, it just didn’t seem right. The food I was wasting, or the food I was holding myself back from enjoying. The stupid videos I watch on Youtube about how to be a perfect human wasn’t striking a cord. One of my instructors and ex-classmates have notified my that my ex was looking shredded lately and boy I just wanted to punch them. I didn’t need that. I need no reminder of how I’m failing in the body department. I get it.

 But looking from a Google Earth view, this is what I came to see.

 I saw myself changing my way of interpreting new information. Everything is suddenly a mind exercise on how I would react to a certain info and acknowledging my behaviour about it. Now this is much more important to me more than just having a hot body. New information became new habits.

 I can’t elaborate on how I do it, some of us have a distinct and unique way of mastering our soul lessons but right now, I’m just very happy with how I can look at myself in the mirror and say, I love and accept you exactly as you are.

 There is no baggage of doubt or whatsoever. It’s like I finally ran out of excuses not to love myself and everything is just a growth opportunity. All I can say is wherever you are, I want to remind you that our lives are programmed in way for us to combat in peacefully. We have to have that internal battle so that we can manifest it in our outside world. Because people think it’s the other way around.

 When really, the glow is from within.