#Sek: who the fuck fucked up this house like this

[bumblingbabooshka]

Sek’s house is interesting

[sketchygainedyoursoul]

IF YOU LIVE IN MISSOURI AND ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE IN THE SCHOOL SYSTEM READ THIS POST

If you are like me and you are a trans student in the Missouri school system, or if you are an educator or anyone of power, LISTEN UP. This new bill (house bill 2885) will put teachers on a SEK OFFENDER LIST for something as simple as CALLING A STUDENT BY THEIR CHOSEN NAME AND PRONOUNS.

I hope I don't need to explain how fucked up this is.

PLEASE TAKE SOME TIME TO SHARE THIS NEWS OR EMAIL MISSOURI SENATOR JAMIE GRAGG, WHO IS THE ONE WHO PROPOSED THE BILL. IF THIS GOES THROUGH, SO MANY KIDS WILL BE AFFECTED!

please.

[samueldays]

Eighth commandment? Which denomination are you?

The short answer is that I attend a Lutheran church.

The slightly longer answer is that saying "Eighth" in that post was mostly out of habit. There's a Norwegian mnemonic: fem slem, seks sex, syv tyv, åtte lyv (roughly: "five aggressive, six sex, seven thief, eight lie") for the commandments forbidding murder, adultery, stealing and false witness.

That mnemonic is probably also from Lutherans, Norway has been Lutheran for centuries. I am open to being convinced otherwise, this is not an opinion I'm strongly invested in.

(A further digression: slem is a Norwegian word that doesn't have a precise translation to a single English word. I give its meaning thus: if you see two children, one of them crying and the other not, you might ask the crying one: "Has he/she been slem to you?" Aggressive, bullying, violent, injurious.)

---

The really long discourse for people who might be wondering what's going on with counting/numbering of the Ten Commandments: disagreement on how to number them and how to group the statements is a very old argument about very petty labeling. The Ten Commandments as given in Exodus 20 end with these two verses:

16 “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. 17 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”

Which number to put on the commandment in 20:16 depends partly on how many commandments you think there are in verse 17, which was originally written before punctuation got invented so it's a little hard to tell. The various opinions are something like this:

Reformed Christians: This is one verse. That makes it one commandment. Simple as.

Catholic Christians: This is two commandments. One against greed for other people's houses and livestock, and one against lust for other people's wife and concubines.

Lutheran Christians: This is two commandments. One against force or fraud as in taking someone's house, and one against seduction or alienation as in taking someone's family or pets.

Denomination I Just Imagined But It Probably Exists Somewhere In America, Land of the Free: This is three commandments. One about the house, one about the people, one about the animals.

Jews: Verses are fake but it's one commandment.

Ancient Textual Evidence: it was written with a linebreak after 'wife', which might be a separation of two commandments?? but it's not clear what the groups are?? or it might just be scribal convenience??

---

Hypothetical interlocutor: Wait, "alienation"?

It's not so long ago that there used to be a bunch of legally recognized crimes such as alienation of affection. In non-legal terms you might call it "driving people to break up". Seduction, whisper campaigns, gaslighting, the urban legend of the FREE CANDY van luring away people's kids, more realistically luring away other people's dogs with treats and sometimes exploiting 'it followed me home' laws to claim ownership of the dog until the legislature fixed that.

The point being that this was considered a way of stealing people's stuff, and meaningfully distinct from the normal kind of "grab at gunpoint" or "sneak in and grab at night" forms of stealing which are ineffective at e.g. stealing someone's dog because the dog will fuck off the moment it has a chance.

Very messy subject, long story for another day.

[plsbyallmeans]

yuck, why am I doing this episode 2.

NOT REALLY A SERIOUS Commentary. just for the lulz.

I was prohibited by Tumblr to comment further on my original post hence this huge ass post. HAHAHA.

I actually like ML's friend. HAHAHA.

Ewww so this is where Monica hurriedly went to her mom and told her that the President kissed her. She looks so thrilled and proud like as if Bill gave her a star or something. GIRL, I MEAN SERIOUSLY. HOW COULD YOU BE PROUD OF THAT?

She's really delusional. That's it.

Clive Owen is so funny. LMAO.

Awww where Bill hugged Hillary and Chelsea but lmao this is so uncomfortable. Everyone looks like shit.

Dang girl she really likes beret. LMAO.

Ewww so this is where she is pictured giving Bill a kiss on the cheek on the ground of White House. LMAO. Clive is so funny. So awkward. lmao. Seriously the hilarity of this series. LMAO I THOUGHT MONICA WILL BE KISSING BILL'S JACKET. LIKE GADDAMN THE GIRL IS SO THIRSTY.

I SWEAR TO GOD THAT MOMENT IN THE LAWN IS SO FUCKING FUNNY. THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STIFF.

YA GIRL YA THRISTY WOMAN.

Girl is so damn cray cray.

oh yikes, so this is where Monica said it's the President. lmao. She finally told Linda that it's the President and of course. of course, Linda got crazy because she could see all the $$ $ $$ $ $ $ $

lmao.

Oh she's now recounting when it first happened.

She's really obsessed with him. lmao. Oh hahahaha she literally showed her thong. HAHAHAHAHA. I laughed more than necessary on the thong scene. Bananas.

Here's the Pizza scene. I know where this is going. What's with the slowmo? This is sickening. LMAO.

Eww, these two. hahaha.

It gets lonesome some days - Bill Clinton

LMAO these two. fudge.

Ewww, Bill is flirting.

Shucks. This two is crazy and even nuts. Oh they literally skipped the part where Bill asked for permission. Actually, the kiss is solid. lmao. crazy

"We secretly plan to run to each other."

Yes damn down to 35 minutes.

HAHAHA. Girl, you are naive. Wow, this girl fell hard. Girl, your ass is going to fall hard on the concrete after your confession to Linda. Watch ya back.

Linda is so crazy.

They really characterized Bill as someone who would take advantage of the women working in the White House. LIKE DUDE. U OK? I mean it's being insinuated.

#Isurvivedthegrosskiss2021 #Isurvivedthiscrazyseries2021

Girl you trapped.

#yourgirlisstillpinning2021

he ain't calling you because he's having seks with Hillary. ya dammit.

lmao, Bill you crazy shit. But I still you. Like you and your troubled soul.

"I missed your voice" BWAHAHAHA! BILL YOU OAF.

These people are fat because they like microwaving stuff. Don't people have like a stove or something?

"I have a gift monica," - Linda. Yes, Linda, you have a gift. A gift fit for a witch. wtf. you monster.

Yes, 29 minutes left!!!!!

They really have an ugly setting. ugly background. boring. boring.

dull. wtf. don't they have funds?

Everyone is so ugly. WTF. That's why this series is not getting views (besides its boring plot).

That and it's still fucking dark.

Seriously, I know that back in the '90s are not yet modern with makeup, dang girl, everyone looks ugly. I mean, I'm not that beautiful but come on I expected something.

LMAO ANN COULTER IS "FIRED AGAIN"

Ann is really horrible.

Awww, Cobie. I still love you. <3

COBIE WTF WITH YOUR ACCENT?! LIKE THE FUCK GIRLLL GET YOUR ASS BACK IN MARVEL.

See everyone is really crazy about Bill's eggplant.

"THE GOAL IS TO EMBARRASS HIM" - YEAH SIR you got that right.

I can't wait for this series to end. <3 <3

oh, they really want ya Bill to get impeached.

22 minutes before it ends, come one. end now. this is so boring. no wonder this couldn't pull viewers.

will they show Bill and Hillary kissing because I am more interested in that?

WAT. Can I fast forward? This is so boring.

Wow ya girl is persistent. Wants to be the one to send the gift and she wants to get back in the white house.

"SHE'S A GOOD KID" - like what the fuck. lmao.

Oh here's the blue dress. YAY. Monica keeping it as a souvenir. HAHAHAHA. I still cannot.

ALSO THE FROG. WTF. HUHU WHY DO YOU HAVE TO.

LMAO MONICA WEARING THE RED DRESS. HAHAHAHAHA. I CANNOT.

"It's just Hillary" - like girl, u ok? that's Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton for you, Linda.

lmao - hahahaha Bill is hinting to Monica that she's being a weird-ass stalker. lmao.

LMAO LINDA USED AN EXCEL TO DO A TIMELINE FOR MONICA AND BILL'S "MOMENTS". girl, I would also do the same. Like how I do my fanfics.

Let's just get it done and over with. GIVE ME EDIE - I want to see cold robotic Hillary Clinton.

I miss HILLARY huhu. love you girl.

HAHAHAHA THE INAUGURATION DANCE.

LMAO THIS IS SO FUNNY.

HAHAHAHAHA! Actually bill and Hillary dancing together smiling kinda gets it. I mean it lacks the sweetness but it's kinda there.

DUDE EVEN IN THE SHOW IT SHOWS CREEPY SHOW BILL HAPPY WITH COLD SHOW HILLARY. They actually look kinda cute.

YAY 12 MINUTES LEFT!

you know I kinda understand why Sarah Paulson hated taking this role. Linda is just a monster.

lmao Paula Jones got a glow-up in her interview.

I think everyone's ugly because of everyone's nose. They all look huge. WTF.

Just give me Cold Show Hillary pls. I am so tired.

Bill's playing solitaire is gold.

aww I miss Bill and Hillary. <3

LMAO "TESTING 1 2 3" - I imagine Bill doing this.

EWwww here comes creepy Monica giving Bill a creepy dreamy stare. ewwww. ewww. ewww.

Yay down to 7 minutes!!!!!

"Boy I miss that smile" - Bill Clinton - eewww, Bill. Like u ok? hahahaha. I laughed.

Wait what did he gave her? i thought it's a wand. like a harry potter wand.Fucking studio light. I cannot see everything.

Oh, it's a hat pin! I thought it's a pen.

EEWWW "IF YOU GOT ME THAT I WANT TO OPEN IT IN FRONT OF YOU."

oh, here's the leaves of weeds book.

Bill should have given Monica a bible.

6 more minutes! I am done!

These monkeys. Hurry the fuck up.

I really miss the Clintons. lmao.

"We have to be really careful." - Bill Clinton ; eeewww, yuck

oh they kissed twice in this show. Ewww. this two. gaak.

Overall comment:

they really depicted it as what it is: Monica is crazy about Bill. She teased him. They had consensual affair.

Monica pinned hard for Bill, he didn't return the fondness.

Monica had a mistake trusting Linda.

She was trapped by people who have a selfish interests.

I think Monica wanted to make herself innocent by making it appear that she is just someone who fell in love with the wrong person and who trusted the wrong friend.

The way they portrayed the whole thing is really consensual. But they made Bill really look predatory.

The lighting is really so bad. lmao. Their makeup is kinda bad. It's still boring

Nothing new that we don't know of.

I actually don't hate Bill after watching this. LMAO. I actually missed them! bwahahaha. I miss seeing Bill and Hillary. Maybe I would read some fics and watch their past interviews.

[alloftimeandspacetosee]

You Come Into My House

So timeline wise, it’s been... almost a year since they met, and have been travelling on and off together since then.

 Which really just means they’re comfortable enough with each other to be distressing nerds, as Vera says.

[1] [2] [3] [5] [6] [7] [8]

~

I watch as Jayden tugs a rope tighter and ties it off. “Not bad.”

The ship is sailing calm in these waters, with the main island of Hoenn in the near distance. The boom rocks above us with the wind, but not nearly as much as it did before he pulled it tight.

“Satisfactory?” Jayden asks.

“That’s high praise,” Vera calls up from the main deck.

“Have you finished your task?” I lean over the railing and grin down at her.

“Aye-aye, Cap’n.” She tugs at the edge of her bandanna and grins back, flicking the last of the rope in her hands into the neat coil about the hook on the mast. “Sorry for buttin’ in, Cap’n.”

“You will be,” I reply, still laughing.

“Where are you going once we land?” Jayden asks.

I turn back to face him. “Lavaridge, eventually. Might... I think the Aaron tournament or whatever it’s called is soon? I might go to that, see how the battles fare.”

“That’s... near the Stone Tree?” Jayden frowns, leaning back against the railing behind him.

At the wheel, Brith has stiffened ever so slightly, a movement so unnoticeable that I only see it because I know her.

“That’s the one.” I raise an eyebrow at her, but her eyes are fixed on the horizon and Lilycove beyond. “What d’you know of it?”

I’d picked his brains over Unovan folklore more than once over the past couple of years, but I’d never asked about others. Didn’t think; I had all of them from the natives. Might be worth finding an outsider’s perspective, though.

“Not much. I heard about it from a trainer in Sinnoh. Said it was his ancestral home?”

“Oh, Riley.” I nod. “Yeah, Aaron was like... the first of his line or something?”

“Of course you know him.” Jayden smiles and lifts his arm out for Sek to land on.

“I picked his brains about it as well.” And clearly I needed to pick Brith’s, as well. “Where are you going? Fortree?”

Jayden strokes a finger against the underside of Sek’s beak. “Probably. That’s where a lot of the bird knowledge is in this region.”

I narrow my eyes at him. If that had been anyone else, there would have been sarcasm drowning those words. But he just said them as fact.

“Fortree isn’t on your way, is it?” Jayden asks.

I shake my head. “No, it’s more like... the palace the tournament is at is on the way to Fortree? But off the beaten track.”

“Oh, Hoenn still has a monarchy.” Jayden looked up, interested. “How many of the royal family are there?”

“Hey, you don’t get to be excited about that. You deposed your monarchs.”

“Didn’t kill them though. Didn’t do a complete Kalos.” He grins.

“No, just lost them somewhere.”

“Didn’t Sinnoh, too?”

“Hard to tell.” I shrug. “The scriveners rewrote a lot of the history of Sinnoh. Snowpoint managed to keep some of it, but we didn’t have that shared history. And who knows what happened to the Trell folk.”

“Right, because Snowpoint isn’t Sinnoh.”

I flick a splinter of wood at him. “It wasn’t. We joined after that whole nasty business.”

Jayden bats it away– I don’t know if it actually got close enough to be a nuisance– and laughs. “Handy. Swan in and fix the place up, was it? Then you took over? Always liked a good fixer-”

“Don’t you fucking dare start singing.” I narrow my eyes. “That film is a blight on Sinnoan history.”

“Good time, though.” Jayden laughs.

“It is enjoyable,” Brith agrees.

“You’re a traitor and all.”

“I’m not from Sinnoh.” She smirks. “I have no loyalty to the land.”

“Ugh. I’d throw you both overboard if I weren’t so nice.”

“Pirates aren’t supposed to be nice, Jay,” Jayden reminds me.

“Fair point. Get.” I flick my head. “Your knowledge of our history is terrible and you should feel bad.”

“What?”

I point at the side of the ship behind him, smirking slightly. “Go on. Take a hike.”

Sek takes off, trilling a signal I recognise. I don’t know how he gets them to signal each other like that, with no noise from him. Maybe it’s something in the way he gets them to take off. Maybe they can read the situation.

I grin as Soise leaps up onto the railing beside me and illusions up a sword and a proper old pirate costume for me to inhabit. “You stand on my ship and insult my heritage–" my accent is showing again as I stop trying to cover it, and Jayden is laughing as he scrambles over the other side of the railing.

His knuckles are white under his skin and his feet must have slipped down to a lower slat because he’s lower than me.

I grin, leaning over him.

“Please-” he’s laughing, breathless and dancing his feet against the wood.

I place my hands on top of his, gently resting my nails against his skin. “Long live,” I whisper, unable to resist, “The-”

Jayden laughs and pushes free as Sayri dives below him, almost into the sea. He lands on her back and they swerve away from the ship.

I step back, the illusion gone, and lift my hand to wave.

Jayden waves back, his flock gathering about him.

“You’re both such distressing fucking nerds.”

“Thanks, Vera.”

“No bother, Captain.” She grins, lying along the boom just above me. “D’you think he’s aware he’s left like. All of his stuff?”

“Probably, yeah.” I turn to lean back against the railing, looking up at her. “He’ll be back.”

“Are you throwing me overboard too?” Brith asks. “Because you might need to take the helm then.”

“Hm... no.” I shake my head, studying her. “You have information I want.”

Brith meets my eyes in a measuring sort of way and nods. “As long as I can choose when to give it.” She knows what I want, she always does.

“Keep your usefulness long term, I like it.” I pat her shoulder as I pass. “Take us in, will you?” Hoenn is close, close enough that I can make out Lilycove’s harbour and people on the walls. “I’m going to pack.”

[wherethehellisderrymaine]

December Wrap Up

Books: TBR

la patagonia rebelde (argentina - history)

more than two (relationships - nonfiction)

detransition, baby (lgbt - fiction) OR she who became the sun (lgbt - fantasy)

the push (thriller)

klara and the sun (science fiction - japanese) OR never let me go

billy summers - STEPHEN KING

Games People Play

Songs:

batmovil - hens

nieve - aron

amor de verbena - pole

stay with me, mix - night tempo 

mon amour - zzoilo, aitana

2011 - 5sos

Events:

date - fer - cinema

spotify wrapped

i miss being artistic - i wanna have more time to enjoy that

03: Fo and Flor’s wedding 

04: date - fer - dogs - antares - el salmon - make out - emi y vane - clip - depto costa - house - seks

06: completed Caroline’s 50 day Epic program :’) -- great body image // neutral -- caring more about what I can do with my body (progressive overload) than what it looks like. 

08: tree decor, chill family time, fo’s cake

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kv9wtEJkLYBMj4cmigPkm9ujS4ceJZRxWeXTSG272Bc/edit        wrnrs card game for Cati 

a lot of things happened the rest of the month but now it’s february and I didn’t close this wrap up. here we go: 

other dates with fer - i really like him but I don’t want to. I don’t understand him. He say he’s asexual bc he’s traumaticed for his previous toxic relatioship, but when we go out he ends up inviting me over to his house and he ends up fucking me. Which I love but I feel awkward. Is he usign me? bc he knows I don’t want a relatioship, so why would he like about his sexual orientation? if not, I feel like he is doing something he does not want to do... I don’t know. He said he likes me but that i am “too good for him” and that I should be with someone like his best friend???? what the hell? while his friends talks to me (more than he does) and tells me that I have to be patient with him and that he really likes me ?????? This is a mess and I hate it because I know I’m gonna end up wanting to see him after my trip and he will be MIA (which is exactly what happened and I’m still trying to find someone who makes out as good as him)

dates with other guys, none of them worked for me (obviously, bc i’m fixated with fer, shit). 

fiesta de la serpiente with palito and car - fer said he wasn’t going and when I told him I was there, EMO TEXTED ME AT 3 AM ASKING ME WHERE I WAS BC THEY COULD NOT FIND ME. excuse me??? i looked for them for like LITERALLY 5 minutes and then they told me they’d left bc they were not having fun. I was ANGRY AF  so I did not care about looking ridiculous dancing. I guy approached me and started talking to me. We made out, I liked it, I wanted to go to his apartment but I couldn’t so he gave me his number and I went a few days later. He introduced me to wie and I introduced him to Doja Cat. We had sex, it was great, chill and great. That was it. I thibk about texting him to fuck again somedays but I am not crazy about him and that’s great. 

christmas. it rained and i went to take pictures of the sunset at the beach. fer saw my story and WENT OVER TO MEET ME AND GIVE A KISS FOR CHIRSTMAS... why? what? why do you keep feeding my addiction and WHY DO I ALLOW IT? i’m the worse.

palito’s birthday. had fun, played with benji (i love that he loves dinosaurs and wanted to show me his toy’s collection, he’s the best kid ever)  --- emo texted me telling me where he was with fer and that “they wanted to see me” ????? they went OVER TO PALO’S HOUSE TO PICK ME UP, but i was too nervous and I asked flor to go with me (i owe her big time for that). ended up, again, at fer’s house. classic 

dinner at emo’s apartment. he talked to me more than fer, so i paid more attnetion to him bc if not, i was going to kill that little hot piece of ass. emo lended me a book to read on the trip and he wrote on the inside “LAS COSAS QUE NO SUCEDEN EN LA VIDA ES POR DOS MOTIVOS: 1) NO TENIAN QUE SUCEDER. 2) NO ERA EL MOMENTO” ok. i got the message. I have to let go of your friend bc CLEARLY he is not going to talk to me anymore and this is your way of giving me the heads up. Thansk Emo. I’m not blaming Fer. He has his own stuff going on and he did nothing wrong. I just hate myself for allowing all of this to happen. I should have said no many dates ago. But here we are. 

i feel sick bc of missing him. i’m stupid. why do i care about this much? it’s nothing. I have to stop being so intense and dramatic. 

new years eve. sad. binged. felt like shit. almost purged but I didn’t. i forced myself to go to sleep and think only about the trip. 

aaaaand that was the end of 2021. a heel of an year. lots of thign happened. I’m ending it on a minor low, because my brain is making me think dark shit like no one wants me, no matter how nice / good / atractive / interesting /patiente I am. I just want someone to give my attention to every now and then, and to have that in return. I don’t want a boyfriend /girlfriend; I just want friends who want to make out with me and occasionally have sex. why is it that hard to find? 

[docholligay]

Wine and Dine

And if you want to know what kind of exclusive writing happens on the Patreon LOOK NO FURTHER. This puppy was published back in November, and is ONLY RECENTLY free for y’all. AND I DON’T RELEASE EVERYTHING. 

 HEY WHO WANTS POINTLESS GAY FLUFF IS IT YOU OH GOOD

“Here’s a glass of…whatever.” Haruka set it in front of her, not even bothering to trip over the French name of the undoubtedly fine wine Michiru had unearthed.  

Michiru smiled gratefully and accepted it, sipping the red wine delicately. She swirled it a bit in the glass. “A Sancerre Rouge, I think.”

Haruka looked down at the bottle. “Sure.”

Michiru gave a half-hearted chuckle. “May I ask if the sommelier would be so kind as to sample with me?”

Haruka grabbed a cotton towel out of the rosewood bar on the far wall and draped it over her shoulder. She waved her arm dramatically and affected a heavy accent. “But of course! It is, how do you say, an honor to drink with a charming mademoiselle.” She took a glass down from the hanging choices, and Michiru pretended not to notice she had selected a white wine glass.

Michiru took another drink. “How blessed am I? It’s been many years since I enjoyed the company of a Frenchwoman.”

Haruka looked incredulous. “Did you seriously date a French girl before me? Where did you even—“

“Haruka.” She looked playfully over her glass.

“Oh, you’re joking. I knew that. Ahaha, I mean, HON HON HON.” She gave a truly merry giggle and sat down at the small table with Michiru, pouring herself a glass. “And, why, mon petit cher,” she gestured dramatically, “are we meeting in such sek-rette?”

“Well, you see, handsome stranger—“

“Francois. I think my name should be Francois.”

“Francoise, I think you mean, ma petite chopinette.” She gave a sly grin. “Although, if we take your earlier French, you may simply think we’ve become gay men.”

“Listen, I am le trying.” She took a gulp. “Damn, this is really good.”

“It should be, for what they pay for it.” She reached out her hand and put it on top of Haruka’s. “You are the only thing that makes me smile, sometimes.”

She looked so sad, sitting there in the dim light, swirling her wine in one hand, absent-mindedly taking each ruby-red sip, and Haruka’s heart plummeted. Even now, she looked like one of those dark Renaissance paintings, the light just touching the pearls in her hair and the elegant crepe silk of her dress. So lovely and so lonely, the girl in the frame.

Haruka set down her wine and took Michiru’s hand in both of hers. “What’s wrong, Michi?”

She shook her head. “Oh nothing, honestly. Nothing that hasn’t been wrong for the entirety of my life.” She squeezed Haruka’s hand. “I’m sorry to make you stay in this very expensive bunker with me. I didn’t so much as bring you a plate of food.” She pulled her shawl over her shoulders. “Feel free to return to the party. I’m simply pouting.”

Haruka shrugged. “No point in me being at your parents’ party without you. Don’t really want to be. But,” she pointed around the small room. “You know they know where this is, right?”

“Oh,” Michiru sighed heavily, “for all the finery herein, I think they’ve only used this for a few house tours. Only the servants come down here to fetch and carry.”

“See then?” Haruka leaned over and kissed her forehead. “I belong down here anyway.”

Michiru continued staring off into the stone wall, as if she could pass through and escape, carried away by the wind. “I haven’t the slightest idea why you tolerate me. And them.”

“Because I love you.” She loosened her tie. “Is the answer to both those questions.”

“I can’t possibly imagine why.”

Haruka shrugged. “I dunno either.” Michiru looked a touch insulted, but Haruka continued. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, and you’re really smart, and talented, and even though you don’t think so, you’re funny, and you’re thoughtful. You  treat me really nice, and I’m not used to that. But none of that’s why I love you, I just think—“ She fiddled with her cufflink, trying to find the word. “I just think it was something I was born to do. Like running. Or being a Senshi. I don’t know how to do anything else.”

“I love you so.” It was true, but, Michiru also realized, in the light of Haruka’s presence, she felt something more than her love for Haruka—the feeling of being loved returned to her thousand fold, cradling her heart within its warmth, encouraging in soft, bright seed within her to grow.

Haruka stood up. “What’s like, the most expensive bottle in here? Let’s have that. Let’s have that, and have one of the servants bring down stuff from the dessert table. We can share, even. “

She looked for a moment over at the imposing wall of wine. “I imagine the Gran Cru would have to be up there.”

Haruka nodded, and took it, popping it open easily with the corkscrew. She set it on the table. “Fuck your parents. Fuck my parents. If you ever want to leave everything behind and move to like, Estonia, I’ve got your back.”  She scooted her chair right next to Michiru.

“You will find the parties less well-appointed off the grid, I’m afraid.” She set her hand on Haruka’s thigh.

“Please.” She swished back her hair in one solid motion. “I spent 90% of my childhood subsisting on box foods under a dollar. I’ll teach you everything I know. You and me and a couch we got from the curb.”

“With cut up hot dogs?”

“Um, only on fancy nights. Like our anniversary.”

Michiru nestled her head against Haruka’s shoulder. “That sounds delightful.”

[ekatheshallowbird]

Fleabag udah menarik minatku sejak pertama kali aku subscribe Amazon Prime. Ini juga jadi pilihan series pertamaku dari situs tersebut. Dari judulnya aja udah bikin penasaran. Belum lagi kovernya, di mana dia menangis berderai air mata sampai berlepotan maskara kayak gini.

Tapi aku nggak nyangka kalau ceritanya bakalan kocak. Kirain bakalan deep and dark and sad. Well, aku kan nggak begitu perhatian sama blurb. Kecuali kalau emang lagi niat aja. Dan meski ceritanya cenderung kocak, tapi sebenarnya ini kisah yang menyedihkan juga. Fleabag menyimpan keputusasaannya dalam-dalam. Deep down, she’s crying out for help. Dari namanya aja udah menunjukkan kesengsaraan nasib dia. Fleabag means an animal considered inferior or in poor condition. Entah itu benar nama dia di series ini apa bukan, karena seingatku nggak pernah ada yang panggil nama dia, kecuali as You, of course. 

Itulah pendapat sementaraku untuk episode pertama Fleabag yang baru kutonton. Sebuah series sedih berbalut komedi. Again I tell you, guys, aku mau buat review series perepisode. Mmm, bukan review juga sih namanya, tapi lebih ke pendapat pribadiku soal series ini perepisodenya. Juga membahas soal momen tertentu yang benar-benar menarik perhatianku, entah itu momen bagus atau momen jelek. So don’t expect me to write anything about theory of filming, etc. You’ll be disappointed as hell. And don’t expect me to not give away the plot of the series because I will. You know I will.

Dari awal mulai, Fleabag (Phoebe Waller-Bridge) udah ngajak ketawa. Ekspresi mukanya benar-benar kocak. Dia juga pakai gaya Frank Underwood di series House of Cards. Bermonolog ke kamera, which is soooo funny karena Fleabag memang karakternya lucu, cuek dan nggak tahu malu. Malah cenderung narsis, lol. Kalian bisa baca dialognya yang menunjukkan sifat uniknya Fleabag nanti di bawah, yang khusus aku buat untuk review pertamaku ini. Tapi kayaknya ke depannya enggak deh. Capek, bok, ngetiknya. You know what, episode satu ini cuman 26 menit, tapi kalau dipakai ngetik dialog, bisa ngehabisin waktu seharian. Fiuhhh. Tapi pas aku baca lagi hasil ketikanku, aku puas banget. Seperti bernostalgia sama kejadian-kejadian yang menarik dari series ini. Memang sih gampang tinggal nonton aja lagi seriesnya, tapi kadang ada perbedaan yang sulit dijelaskan antara membaca dan menonton. It’s a different experience. 

Plot Fleabag ini maju mundur. Waktu pertama kali nonton memang bikin bingung. Perpindahan alurnya tiba-tiba dan tampak seperti sesuatu yang lewat di hadapan kita tanpa kita lihat, tahu-tahu saling tubruk. Begitulah kira-kira. Dan yang paling mengejutkan, adegan sex scene yang langsung muncul di bagian pertama! Damn, I was in shock. It was so out of nowhere but it ended up funny. She’s so funny. Hal yang mengejutkan nggak berakhir sampai di sana. Di scene berikutnya digambarkan Fleabag lagi masturbasi sambil ngelihat Mr. Obama pidato di laptopnya, OMG!!! Udah gitu ada cowoknya lagi tidur di sebelah dia!!! Jelaslah cowoknya marah ngelihat tingkah memalukan Fleabag ini, HAHAHA. Lucu banget. Udah gitu cowoknya sampai mewek-mewek bilang, “Don’t say anything! And please don’t stop me leaving.” Sementara Fleabag emang diam membatu dan cuma perhatiin dia aja. I swear, it’s so funny just like that.

Ke belakang-belakangnya masih lucu banget. Aku nggak berhenti tertawa nontonin aksinya Fleabag waktu dikecengin sama cowok ugly di bus, terus waktu dia wawancara buat pengajuan modal usaha kafe kecilnya yang berakhir nyebelin dan saling ledek: “WOW! Terus kejadian sama kakaknya yang perfeksionis di sebuah seminar, (fyi, yang jadi lecturer di seminar tersebut adalah ibu  kandungnya Phoebe, Tree Waller-Bridge. Namanya unik ya, Pohon). Lalu kejadian bersama pelanggan di kafe kecilnya dan orang tersebut nggak pesan apa-apa, selain numpang nge-charge segala alat elektroniknya, dan juga kejadian Fleabag yang datang ke rumah ayahnya dan nyolong patung kesayangan milik ibu tirinya. Di bagian ini sedih banget. Ayahnya kayak nggak peduli gitu sama Fleabag padahal dia kan anaknya sendiri. Mungkin memang begitu ya gaya hidup keluarga inti di UK. Harus mandiri kalau udah dewasa. Tapi kalau di film Bridget Jones’s Diary, ayahnya masih mau peduli sama Bridget. Kayaknya ayah Fleabag benci sama ibunya Fleabag, jadi dia agak malas gitu berhubugan sama kedua anak kandungnya. Belum lagi dengan kecelakaan tragis yang terjadi pada sahabatnya Fleabag, Boo. It’s indeed a cute/silly name, too, lol. 

Okay, now let’s move to the dialogue/script. 

Fleabag berusaha menenangkan dirinya dengan cara mengatur napas. Dia memandang ke luar pintu kaca yang buram, menunggu seseorang dengan gugup.

Fleabag: (Menatap kamera dan bicara terengah) You know that feeling when a guy you like sends you a text at 02.00 on a Tuesday night asking if he can come and find you and you’ve accidentally made it out like you’ve just got in yourself so you have to get out of bed, drink a half bottle of wine, get in the shower, shave everything, dig out some Agent Provocateur Business, suspender belt, the whole bit and wait by the door until the buzzer goes?

(Lelaki yang dinanti datang. Dia berdiri di depan pintu)

Fleabag: And then you open the door to him like you’d almost forgotten he was coming over. (Open the door and act surprised) Oh. Hey.

Man (Arsehole Guy (Ben Aldridge)): Hey. (Smiling)

Fleabag: Hey.

Man: Hey.

Fleabag: (To camera) And then you get to it immediately.

(Arsehole Guy lantas mencium Fleabag dengan penuh nafsu lalu mereka berakhir di ranjang, menikmati seks yang hebat, lol. What a dawn. Awalnya Fleabag was on top, lalu si lelaki menariknya turun dengan kasar. Fleabag terbaring miring, dan sambil berbicara ke arah kamera, dia membiarkan si lelaki melanjutkan seksnya)

Fleabag: After some pretty standard bouncing, you realize… he’s edging towards your arsehole. But you’re drunk and he made the effort to come all the way here, so you let him. He’s thrilled (tersenyum santai) Ohh (a little hurt).

Arsehole Guy: I’m so thrilled.

(Fleabag tersenyum penuh arti)

Kesokkan harinya Fleabag terbangun dan langsung berbicara ke kamera:

Fleabag: And then the next morning you wake to find him fully dressed, sat on the side of the bed, gazing at you. (Fleabag stares at the man and then says…) He says the—

Arsehole Guy: Last night was incredible.

Fleabag: (To camera) Which you think is an overstatement, but then he goes on to say that—

Arsehole Guy: It was particularly special because, uh, I’ve never managed to actually… up the bum with anyone before.

Fleabag: (To camera) To be fair, he does have a large penis.

Arsehole Guy: And though that’s always been a fantasy of mine, I’ve never found anyone I could do it with.

Fleabag: (To camera) And then he touches your hair…(He touches her hair) And thanks you with a genuine earnest.

Arsehole Guy: (Touches her face) Thank you.

Fleabag: (To camera) It’s sort of moving. Then he kisses you gently. (He kisses her on the lips gently) And then he leaves (He leaves and closes the door) And you spend the rest of the day wondering…

Fleabag berada di sebuah kafe, duduk di sebuah kursi sambil memegang cangkir, wondering…)

Fleabag: (To camera) Do I have a massive arsehole?

***

Fleabag berada di sebuah bis, membaca koran. Diam-diam dia lirik-lirikan sama seorang cowok (Jamie Demetriou as Bus Rodent) yang duduk nggak jauh di belakangnya. Cowok itu selalu mengalihkan pandangannya ke koran yang dibacanya setiap kali Fleabag menangkap basah dirinya. Ada perasaan senang dalam hati Fleabag. Sayangnya ketika cowok itu akhirnya tersenyum, ternyata giginya jelek banget!

Perlahan Fleabag mundur sambil diam-diam meringis miris.

Bel berbunyi menandakan pemberhentian dan Fleabag bersiap turun. Ternyata cowok tersebut juga turun di pemberhentian yang sama. Mereka sama-sama berdiri di dekat pintu keluar.

Bus Rodent: (Chuckle) Wow. Um. This doesn’t happen very often, does it? (Tertawa)

Fleabag: No (Ikut tertawa) I s—I suppose it’s—It’s quite rare, you know.

Bus Rodent: Yeah.

Fleabag: (To camera, angry) I hate myself. (Then laughing again with the man)

Bus Rodent: Um, are you going to work?

Fleabag: Not actually–

Bus Rodent: Okay. Um, this is going to sound crazy, um, but I think that  I should take your number, and I think I should call it, and I think I should ask you if you want to go out for a drink with me.

Fleabag: Um… (Tersanjung)

Bus Rodent: Fuck me, you’ve got a boyfriend.

Fleabag: Um, no, um, we broke up quite recently, you see.

Bus Rodent: Oh, my God, I’m so sorry-slash-really pleased. Um, how the hell did he manage to fuck that up.

(Fleabag tercengang menatap pria di hadapannya, lalu dia flashback ke kejadian di mana dia akhirya putus sama cowoknya)

Di kamarnya, di atas tempat tidurnya, Fleabag lagi nonton pidato Obama di laptopnya sambil makan snack…

Obama: Power rarely gives up without a fight, particularly in places where there are divisions of tribe and divisions of sact.

(Sambil nonton, tiba-tiba Fleabag memasukkan tangannya ke bawah selimut, ke dalam underwearnya… and masturbated!!!)

Obama: We also know that populism can take dangerous turns. And there will be difficult days along the way (Fleabag menggerakkan tangannya semakin cepat sementara cookies di tangan satunya terjatuh) from the extremism of those who would use democracy to deny minority rights to the nationalism that— (Tiba-tiba cowoknya, Harry (Hugh Skinner), yang tengah tertidur di sebelah Fleabag terbangun dan melihat perbuatan Fleabag!)

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Harry: What are you doing?

Fleabag: Nothing. (Langsung menghentikan perbuatannya dan menutup laptop. Mereka saling tatap, lalu Harry beranjak marah dari tempat tidur untuk memakai bajunya.) Harry…

Harry: I know what you were doing.

Fleabag: I was watching the news (Berlagak santai)

Harry: Really?

Fleabag: Yeah.

Harry: Really?

Fleabag: Yeah.

Harry: What was he talking about, then?

Fleabag: What?

Harry: Please, I just need to hear this. What was he talking about?

Fleabag: (Berpikir) Iraq.

(Harry berbalik marah dan memasukkan barang-barangnya ke dalam tasnya)

Harry: Don’t say anything. And please don’t stop me leaving.

(Fleabag terdiam menatap punggung Harry)

Harry: (Berbalik) Please don’t!

Fleabag: Okay. (Lembut)

Harry: Don’t! You know, I’ve really tried to be there for you through this. You can’t say I haven’t tried. Don’t say anything. And please don’t contact me or turn up at my house drunk in your underwear. It won’t work this time.

Fleabag: (To camera and smiling dengan pedenya) It will.

Harry: (Matanya kini berkaca-kaca) I’m taking that posh shampoo. (Berjalan menuju pintu dan berbalik lagi) He was talking about democ—

(Back to the scene on the bus with the Bus Rodent)

Fleabag: Uh, he was just—(tertawa kikuk) really kind and supportive of my work. He’d cook all the time, run baths, Hoover. He’d laugh at all of my jokes. He was really great with my family and my friends loved him. Plus, he was really fucking affectionate.

(Bus Rodent tertawa terbahak)

Bus Rodent: Yeah, he sounds like a dickhead.

Fleabag: Yeah (Ikut terbahak)

(Fleabag dan Bus Rodent kini ada di dekat taman)

Bus Rodent: So—so was that, like, you can have my number, or what are we—

Fleabag: (Mengangguk) Yes. Yeah. I guess that’s a yes.

Bus Rodent: Oh, my God, great. Uh, okay (Mengambil sesuatu dari saku jaketnya dan menyerahkannya pada Fleabag) And I’ll be sure to treat you like a nasty little bitch.

(Fleabag tersenyum canggung)

Bus Rodent: That was a joke.

Fleabag: Oh, I know, I know. (Tertawa meringis)

Bus Rodent: (Tertawa juga) Okay. I was like, oh—Okay. Great, Well, uh, I–  I’ll see you then?

Fleabag: Okay. (Meringis lagi)

Bus Rodent: Okay. Okay. (Lalu pergi dan tak lama berbalik lagi) I can’t stop smiling. Sorry I—(Tertawa) Well, okay. (Pergi)

(Fleabag berjalan pergi sambil meraih sesuatu dari dalam saku jaketnya. Mungkin hape, karena setelahnya dia lari terbirit-birit)

Ternyata dia mau mengajukan pinjaman. Di hadapannya duduk seorang lelaki, bank manager (Hugh Dennis), tengah memeriksa berkas-berkas Fleabag dan Fleabag tampak masih belum bisa bernapas stabil, Masih terengah dan mengelap keringat di dahinya.

Bank Manager: Thank you for coming in today. We really appreciate you considering us for your small business startup loan.

Fleabag: No problem.

Bank Manager: I’ve read your application form.

Fleabag: Thank you.

Bank Manager: It was funny.

Fleabag: Oh. Okay, that wasn’t my intention, but— (Tertawa)

Bank Manager: As you are probably aware, we haven’t had the opportunity to support many—any women led businesses since the—

Fleabag: Sexual harassment case.

Bank Manager: The sexual harassment case. Yes. (Menatap Fleabag yang terengah) Are you all right?

Fleabag: Oh, yeah. Sorry, I just, um, I ran from the station, so I’m just a bit hot. Though I’m really excited about, um—

Bank Manager: Water?

Fleabag: No, thanks. I’m fine.(Terengah) Actually, yeah. Water would be great. If I could—

Bank Manager: Sure. There are a couple of details that we need to iron out, and one or two bits and pieces. I’m going to see some more of. It says in here that you opened the business with your partner in—

(Tanpa diduga, Fleabag membuka sweaternya sekilas, mempertontonkan branya yang berwarna hitam, lalu menutupnya lagi. Bank manager melongo. Wajahnya malah tambah jutek)

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Fleabag: Mm-hmm.

Bank Manager: Okay. I’m sorry. That kind of thing won’t get you very far here any more.

Fleabag: Oh, no. Sorry (Tertawa kecil) I thought I had a top on underneath.

Bank Manager: Yeah, okay.

Fleabag: No, seriously. In this case, genuine accident.

Bank Manager: I can see, given our history, why you might think that—

Fleabag: No, seriously (Sedikit berteriak) I wasn’t trying to. I was hot.

Bank Manager: I take this kind of thing very seriously.

Fleabag: (Makin keras suaranya) I’m not  trying to shag you. Look at yourself. (Tertawa, lalu berhenti ketika menyadari lelaki di hadapannya tersinggung)

Bank Manager: Okay. Please leave.

Fleabag: Uh… You don’t understand. I need this. I need this loan.

Bank Manager: (Wajah datar) Please just leave.

(Fleabag menatap cukup lama lelaki di hadapannya, dan akhirnya dia beranjak dari kursinya dan mengambil barang-barangnya yang ditaruh di punggung kursi)

Fleabag: Perv.

Bank Manager: Slut.

Fleabag: Wow! (Menatap kesal lelaki itu)

***

Fleabag berlari terbirit-birit lagi saat memasuki sebuah gedung. Di sana sudah menunggu kakaknya, Claire (Sian Clifford), di salah satu kursi. Fleabag lalu duduk di sebelahnya dan, lagi-lagi, terengah.

Fleabag: (To camera) My sister. She’s uptight and beautiful, and probably anorexic, but clothes look awesome on her, so—

Claire: (Masih menatap brosur) You’re almost late.

Fleabag: I had to do a flash poo in Pret.

Claire: Christ. Did you wash your hands? (Masih menunduk)

Fleabag: Of course not. (Lalu menyapukan telapak tangannya ke pipi kakaknya dan tertawa)

Claire: Oh, my God. You are disgusting. Fucking hell.

Fleabag: Of course I washed my hands. It’s not like I grew up without a mother.

Claire menanggapi dengan wajah cemberut.

Claire: Heard from Dad?

Fleabag: Nope.

Fleabag: (To camera) Dad’s way of coping with two motherless daughters was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures, start fucking our godmother, and eventually stop calling.

Fleabag: You look tired.

Claire: Thanks (Melihat ke brosur) I’ve been sleeping really well recently.

Fleabag membuka jaketnya, memperlihatkan baju merahnya. Lalu Claire melirik marah dan Fleabag pun mengenakan jaketnya lagi.

Fleabag: (To camera) Shit. I’m wearing the top that she lost years ago, so.. this is gonna be tense.

Claire: Do you want to take your coat off?

Fleabag: No.

Claire: Okay.

Mereka berdua saling tatap dan baru berhenti ketika ada yang lewat di depan mereka, meminta jalan dan kembali duduk begitu orang tersebut sudah lewat.

Claire: So, any luck?

Fleabag: (Cepat menyambar) Oh, God, can we just have two seconds—

Claire: (Balas menyambar) I was going to ask how it was going with the café.

Fleabag: I don’t want to talk about it.

Claire: Fine. We won’t talk, then.

Fleabag: Fine. (Menatap rambut kakaknya) Hair looks nice.

Claire: Oh, fuck off.

Fleabag: (To camera) The only thing harder than having to tell your super high-powered, perfect, anorexic, rich super sister that you’ve run out of money is having to ask her to bail you out.

Fleabag menatap kakaknya, mencari waktu yang tepat.

Fleabag: (To camera) I’m just gonna ask her. (Menatap ragu kakaknya and saying to camera again) I’m just gonna ask her. I’m just gonna—

Claire: Do you need to borrow money?

Fleabag: (Quick response) No.

Fleabag: (To camera) Can’t do it. Can’t do it.

Claire: So business is good, then?

Fleabag: Yeah, it’s good. It’s really good. It’s really really good. Yeah, it’s really good.

Sister: Sounds like it’s really good.

Fleabag: It is.

Flashback: Fleabag berada di cafenya, sedang menjaga. Ada satu pelanggan cowok muda di sana yang sudah duduk.

Fleabag: Hey. (Tersenyum ramah)

Customer: Hey (Mengeluarkan laptop dari dalam tasnya)

Fleabag: Can I get you anything?

Customer: No, thanks. I’m good.

Pelanggan itu mencolokkan charger laptop lalu juga mencharger handphonenya. Handphonenya ada dua sedangkan stekernya kurang, akhirnya dia mengeluarkan steker tambahan dan mencharger handphone satunya lagi (Buset! Ini mau ngopi apa numpang ngecharge aja sih! Minta ditampol) Fleabag terus mengamatinya.

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Fleabag: Are you sure I can’t get you anything at all?

***

Back to reality in the seminar with Claire.

Claire: Is Harry helping?

Fleabag: (Berusaha tenang) Uh, we broke up.

Claire: What? Again?

Fleabag: Mm. If you see him, I’m a wreck, okay?

Claire: God, just don’t get drunk and scream to his letter box again.

Fleabag: (Tertawa kecil) Wow. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Don’t get drunk and shit in your sink again.

Claire: (Marah) When are you gonna stop bringing that up?

Fleabag: (Terbahak) When you done something better.

Claire: I have two degrees, a husband, and a Burberry coat.

Fleabag: You shat in a sink. (Terlihat puas)

Mereka berdua berdiri sebentar ketika ada orang mau lewat dan kembali duduk.

Fleabag: Nothing is ever going to be better. I swear there are pants that give you thrush.

Sister: What are yours made from?

Fleabag: I don’t know (Mengecek label di celananya)

Flashback: Fleabag berada di sebuah shoping mall bersama temannya, Boo (Jenny Rainsford). Mereka lagi coba-coba baju. Nah, awalnya aku kira Boo ini orang asing yang sok kenal dan sok dekat sama Boo. I don’t why I thought so. Yah, pasti karena flashback yang suka tiba-tiba muncul kayak sesuatu yang kubilang di tulisan atas. And to be honest, I didn’t really get what was going on between them. 

Fleabag: I need to get sexy pants.

Boo: I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body. Fucking last-minute bastard trendy parties. Why do we do it to ourselves? (Lalu dia keluar dari ruang coba baju, begitu juga Fleabag yang berada di ruang sebelah. Boo menatap tak suka pada pilihan baju Fleabag) Oh, my God. Definitely not. That does nothing for you. I hate that.

Fleabag menatap aneh pada Boo.

Boo: What?

Fleabag: These are my clothes, Boo. I’ve been wearing this all day.

Boo: Oh, God. Were you wearing your coat?

Fleabag: Yes, But—Well, nothing here looked nice. So I just thought I would wear what I was wearing anyway.

Boo: Are you joking?

Fleabag: Are you joking?

Boo: Yes.

Fleabag: (Melonjak gemas) Oh, my—

Boo: It’s really not that bad.

Fleabag: Why didn’t you tell me?

Boo: I’m sorry! I love you!

Fleabag: I have to get a whole new outfit now! (Melempar baju yang di bawanya kepada Boo)

Woman: I’ll buy you pants. I’ll buy you sexy—

Fleabag: I’ve been so many places today! (Marah)

Woman: I’ll buy you sexy pants!

Fleabag: Fuck off (Masuk ke ruang coba)

Boo: I’m sorry. I think it’s a lovely dress.

Fleabag: Grr (Mencubiti Boo)

Back to reality.

Claire: Oh, I mean, you really shouldn’t wear such cheap material. They don’t let your fanny breathe.

Fleabag:  I know.

Tepuk tangan terdengar karena acara akan mau dimulai.

Woman Lecturer: God, look at you. Thank you so much for coming to Women Speak. Opening women’s mouth since 1998. Before we begin, I would like to ask you a question. I don’t know about you, but I need some reassurance. (Laughing) So I pose the question to the women in this room today. Please raise your hands if you would trade five years of your life for the so-called perfect body.

Claire dan Fleabag sama-sama mengangkat tangan dan cuma mereka doang! Claire lalu duduk melorot malu dan cepat-cepat menurunkan tangan Fleabag yang masih teracung dengan pedenya.

Fleabag: (Whispering and smiling) We are bad feminists.

Claire: (Whispering) I want my top back.

Fleabag: (Whispering) Okay.

Ketika acara usai, Claire menunggu Fleabag yang lagi ke toilet untuk membuka baju miliknya. Baju tersebut mau dibalikin ke Claire. Jadinya Fleabag cuma pakai coat doang.

Claire: (Senyum sambil menerima baju dari Fleabag) Won’t you get cold?

Fleabag: No, I get really hairy nipples.

Claire menatap Fleabag.

Fleabag: What?

Tiba-tiba Claire mengangkat tangannya dan tiba-tiba juga Fleabag mencoba menghindar dengan mengayunkan telapaknya. Akhirnya jidat kakaknya tertampar olehnya.

Claire: Oh, fuck!

Fleabag: Fuck! What was that? Jesus!

Claire: A fucking hug. What the fuck did you do that?

Fleabag: It was terrifying. Never do that again.

Claire: I was just trying to—

Semakin banyak orang berlalu-lalang di antara mereka dan segera mereka melupakan kejadian salah paham barusan.

Claire: Are you okay?

Fleabag: Yeah.

Claire; Do you wanna go for a drink or—

Fleabag: I’ve got plans.

Claire: Okay, Fine. Sure. (Berbicara cepat) See you next time. Women Speak, then.

Claire lalu pergi cepat-cepat sementara Fleabag masih berdiri di tempat yang sama. Ketika ada cewek tak dikenal  lewat, dia menyapanya.

Fleabag: Do you want to go for a drink?

Cewek tersebut menatapnya aneh sambil berlalu. Tak lama ponsel Fleabag berbunyi. 

Text: Still smiling? J Drink tonight?

Fleabag tersenyum sambil mengerutkan keningnya. Akhirnya mereka jadi ketemuan di sebuah café, dengan cowok dari bis itu.

Bus Rodent: My sister blows glass. Uh, she has done for a long time. I’ve never, like, been in a fight. Well, I’ve been in a fight. Never been punched in the face. You know what I mean? I’ve been punched in the leg. And someone once threw some punch in my face. So my color this season are sort of brown, mainly, but, like, you know, I wouldn’t say no to a maroon. I wouldn’t, like, jump down the throat of someone wearing something blue. It’s just not for me. So I’m going to go for a waz. (Laughing) You good? Okay.

Lelaki itu langsung beranjak tanpa mendengar jawaban dari Fleabag. Fyi, sedari tadi Fleabag cuma menyimak doang. Ekspresinya pasrah gitu. Sementara lelaki itu pergi ke toilet, dan dompetnya tertinggal di meja, Fleabag mencoba mengambil selembar uang tapi lelaki itu keburu balik lagi untuk tanya hal ke Fleabag. Fleabag pun buru-buru menarik tangannya lagi.

Bus Rodent: Same again? While I’m up? Or perhaps, like, a little cocky-tail? Or, like—Or, like another shot?

Fleabag: Oh, uh, yeah, or we could just go back to mine.

Bus Rodent: Wow. Uh, thanks. Uh, I’ve actually got work tomorrow, but, uh, another drink here.

Fleabag: Or we could just go back to yours.

Bus Rodent: Got to be up really early, so—

Fleabag:  I could always get you a cab in the morning.

Bus Rodent: That’s ridiculous. Like – (giggling)

Fleabag: Okay, what the fuck is your problem? (Nada tenang)

Bus Rodent: Oh. Uh, nothing. I, um, I like you.

Fleabag: Okay, you’re a dick. (Merapikan barangnya di meja)

Bus Rodent: What’s going on? (Menatap heran)

Fleabag: (Menyandang tas) You’re pathetic. (Berdiri dan bersiap pergi)

Bus Rodent: Wait.

Fleabag: Don’t follow me.

Bus Rodent: I—I wasn’t. (Mengambil sesuatu di bawah lantai) You dropped this. (Menyerahkan uang itu pada Fleabag, yang kayaknya tadi coba dicuri Fleabag dari dompet lelaki itu, lol. Fleabag menerimanya dengan pura-pura cuek dan marah, lalu pergi meninggalkannya. 

***

Di luar halte itu Fleabag berdiri, menunggu taksi. Tak jauh di depannya ada seorang cewek, yang kayaknya dalam kondisi mabuk. Cewek itu duduk di trotoar sambil menatap langit. Tiba-tiba cewek itu ambruk, payudaranya terekspos keluar dari tanktopnya. Fleabag cepat-cepat menolongnya dan membetulkan tanktop cewek itu. Gila, scene sewaktu Fleabag meraup dada cewek itu dan memasukkannya kembali ke dalam tanktop-nya memorable banget!!! LMAO!

Fleabag: You okay?

Cewek itu mengangguk.

Drunk Girl: Are you okay? (Menyentuh pipi Fleabag dengan telunjuknya) Sad face.

Fleabag: (Sedikit terkejut) I’m fine.

Cewek itu semakin mendekatkan dirinya ke dalam pelukan Fleabag. Sekilas, pemeran Fleabag ini mirip sama Kate Winslet. Iya gak sih?

Drunk Girl: Oh. You’re such a lovely man.

Taksi akhirnya datang dan Fleabag membantu cewek itu berdiri.

Fleabag: Okay (Memeluk cewek itu sambil berjalan)

Drunk Girl: Thank you. (Menerima tas dari Fleabag)

Fleabag: Come on. Stay there, stay there. You okay? (Membukakan pintu mobil) Okay, here. Here.

Cewek itu menatap Fleabag sambil memegang telapak tangannya.

Fleabag: Do you—do you want to come home with me?

Drunk Girl: What? (Berteriak sambil mendorong Fleabag ke samping) No way!  You naughty boy. (Lalu masuk ke mobil dan menutup pintu. Fleabag pun sendirian lagi)

Flashback: Fleabag berada di kafenya. Kafe tersebut baru ditutup. Ada Boo juga di sana. Btw, this moment is so touching. Like, I wanna cry and I don’t know why. 😦

Fleabag: (Menuangkan wine) Ooh. Sing a song, Boo.

Fleabag: (Singing) Another lunch break, another abortion. (Laughing)

Boo: (Singing) Another piece of cake, another two—

Fleabag: (Singing) Fuck attorneys, cigarettes.

Together: (Singing) And we’re happy. So happy. To be modern woman.

(Both chuckling)

Boo: Hey, come here. (Memegang wajah Fleabag) Let’s never ask anyone for anything. They don’t get it.

Fleabag: Deal.

Back to reality ketika di halte sendirian.

Fleabag: Fuck it. (Lalu dia pergi)

Fleabag memanggil-manggil dari lubang surat di pintu.

Fleabag: Hello, hello, hello! Open up! This is totally fine.

Fleabag lalu mengetuk pintu keras-keras dan juga jendela. Pokoknya bikin keributan di tengah malah itu. 

Fleabag: Hello! Open! Hello.

Seorang pria akhirnya membukakan pintu. It’s her dad (Bill Paterson)

Fleabag: (Tersenyum ceria) All right, Dad.

Dad: What’s going on?

Fleabag: Oh, I’m—I’m absolutely fine.

Dad: Okay.

Fleabag menatap ayahnya sambil manggut-manggut.

Fleabag: I just, uh…

Dad: Yeah?

Fleabag: (Matanya mulai berkaca-kaca) Ah, it’s nothing. It doesn’t—It’s—

Dad: You know, it’s nearly 2:00 in the morning.

Fleabag: Okay. Yeah. Okay. Um. I don’t wanna—I’m gonna… just… (berbalik dan hendak pergi tapi urung) Oh, fuck it. I have a horrible feeling that I’m a greedy, perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical, depraved, morally bankrupt woman who can’t even call herself a feminist.

Dad: Well, um… (Diam cukup lama) You get all that from your mother, you know. (Tertawa kecil)

Fleabag menatap ayahnya, lalu tertawa miris.

Fleabag: Good one.

Dad: I—I’m going to call you a cab, darling. And, uh, please, don’t go upstairs.

Ayahnya lalu masuk ke dalam sementara Fleabag masih di luar. Tapi kemudian Fleabag masuk dan… dia naik ke lantai atas. Dia membuka sebuah pintu kamar di mana di hadapannya ada seorang wanita (Olivia Colman) sedang mengerjakan karya seni, semacam lukisan. Wanita itu memunggungi Fleabag jadi nggak menyadari kehadirannya.

Fleabag: (To camera) To be fair, she’s not an evil stepmother. She’s just a cunt.

Fleabag: Hi.

Stepmother: (Berbalik dan tersenyum) Darling. I thought that must be you. Everything all right?

  Fleabag: Yeah, I just thought I’d swing by.

Stepmother: Oh, how lovely. Lucky us.

Fleabag: Don’t worry. Dad’s already booking me a taxi.

Mereka berdua tersenyum canggung, tanpa kata-kata beberapa saat. It’s the best awkward moment I’ve ever seen so far! Love it! Dan suara ibu tirinya benar-benar lembut, tapi lembut yang menikam gitu. Ugh!

Fleabag: What are you doing?

Stepmother: Oh, painting. I find that nighttime’s very peaceful—usually.

Both laughing awkwardly, again.

Fleabag: (To camera) Well, warming up.

Fleabag berjalan ke sebuah rak dan memperhatikan benda-benda di sana.

Stepmother: Look, I know it’s—it’s not really my place, but are you okay? Everyone’s been really worried.

Fleabag: Poor fucker. (Merujuk ke sebuah patung wanita telanjang tanpa kepala dan kaki)

Stepmother: (Tersenyum) Yes. She’s actually an expression of how women are subtle warriors, strong at heart, you know. We don’t have to use muscular force to get what we want. We just use our—

Fleabag: Tits. (Menunjuk patung tersebut lalu mendengus tertawa)

Stepmother: Innate femininity. (Tertawa)

Fleabag: Tits don’t get you anywhere these days. (Tertawa) Trust me.

Fleabag mengambil patung itu dan memandanginya.

Stepmother: It’s very valuable, actually.

Fleabag: How much?

Stepmother: Thousands.

Fleabag: Oh. Can I have it?

Both chuckling.

Stepmother: No. (Lalu dengan lembut mengambil  patung itu dari tangan Fleabag dan menaruhnya kembali di tempat semula)

Mereka saling pandang dengan canggung lagi.

Fleabag: What’s that? (Menunjuk karya seni yang sedang dikerjakan stepmother)

Stepmother: Oh, uh, my self-portrait.

Fleabag menatap cukup lama pada karya seni itu.

Fleabag: Oh. (Menangguk sambil tersenyum, begitu juga stepmother)

Dad: Right, it’s here.

Stepmother: Oh, I think I can hear your dad. (Berjalan ke luar kamar untuk melihat ke bawah) Dad: Cab’s here! (Berteriak)

Fleabag: Thanks! (Merebut cepat patung di rak)

Stepmother: Aw, nice of him.

Mereka tersenyum canggung lagi.

Fleabag: Okay. Bye. (Mengecup pipi stepmother)

Stepmother: Bye. (Memegang lengan Fleabag) Um, please look after yourself. You really do look ghastly, darling. (Lalu masuk ke kamar sementara Fleabag menatapnya dengan geram)

Di dalam taksi.

Driver: Oh, a café, eh?

Fleabag: (Malas) Yeah.

Driver: On your own?

Fleabag: Uh, kind of.

Driver: Kind of? Go on.

Fleabag: (Chuckle) Well, it’s kind of a funny story, actually.

Driver: Oh, now, that’s good. It’ll keep me going. Shoot.

Fleabag: I opened the café with my friend Boo.

Driver: Cute name.

Fleabag: Yeah. Yeah, she’s dead now. She accidentally killed herself. It wasn’t her intention, but it wasn’t a total accident. She didn’t actually think she’d die. She just found out that her boyfriend fucked someone else and wanted to punish him by ending up in hospital and not letting him visit her for a bit. She decided to walk into a busy cycle lane, wanting to get tangled in a bike and break a finger, maybe. As it turns out, bikes go fast and flip you into the road. Three people died. She was such a dick. (Tertawa pelan) So yeah. Kind of on my own.

Supir taksi menatap penuh curiga pada Fleabag melalui kaca mobil. Sementara itu Fleabag terdiam, tampak tak peduli. Dia membuka coatnya sehingga branya kelihatan. Di bawahnya, di bagian celana, tersimpan patung yang tadi dicurinya dari rumah ayahnya. Fleabag memperhatikan patung itu sementara sopir taksi kembali memandanginya dengan curiga. And this is how this first episode ends. Fleabag tersenyum penuh arti ke kamera.

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  Sutradara: Harry Bradbeer, Tim Kirkby

Penulis Skenario: Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Tanggal Tayang USA: 16 September 2016

Durasi: 26 Menit

Berdasarkan Drama Tunggal Karya Phoebe Waller-Bridge: “Fleabag”

Rating: 5 dari 5 Bintang 

  Fleabag S.1 Ep. 1 Fleabag udah menarik minatku sejak pertama kali aku subscribe Amazon Prime. Ini juga jadi pilihan series pertamaku dari situs tersebut.