#SeekingConnection

[caesarandthecity]

Love in Prison: Seeking Affection Behind Bars

Gay for the Stay. That’s what they call straight men who, during their time in prison, decide to enter into a relationship with another man, being “gay” only while they’re behind bars. Can you imagine how amazing my life would be if I could just decide to be gay for a while, then not be, and then turn it back on whenever I wanted? Like flipping a light switch on and off. I’ve always been gay, never changed, and I suffered a lot until I learned how to survive.

In the beginning, in criminal prison, I behaved more cautiously, which made me an easy target, prey that was easy to spot. And believe me, there are so many men in there looking for someone to live with in a cell as a couple. I won’t deny, some of them were very attractive. Think about it: many were Latino, tattooed, in shape, just looking for someone to exchange affection and care with while in prison. It’s fascinating to see how humans, in this case, men, can change in the search for affection, in the search for love.

And I fell in love. I had my heart broken more than once in prison—multiple times, to be honest. One of the first was Chad. He was special, beautiful. His eyes were an incredible shade of blue. When I first arrived at the psychiatric ward of the prison, Chad came to greet me. And when I saw those eyes… “Chicos, those eyes!” I knew something would happen between us, and it did. We never kissed. We got so close once that our lips almost touched. He looked into my eyes, and I looked into his, and then we pulled away.

We were two madmen locked up in the psychiatric ward of the prison. And you know, they say that mad people don’t realize they’re mad. Deep down, we were just two people desperate for affection. We spent our days together, talking, laughing, sharing stories. When I met Chad, he had no money to buy food at the canteen, and neither did I. We helped each other whenever we could; if one got extra food, we shared it. Chad would talk about all the drugs he’d done and how heroin was his favorite. He would tell me how he loved living on the streets, always saying, “It’s a lifestyle, Bro!” Something inside me believed I could save him, that he deserved saving.

Sometimes, Chad would come to my cell, sit next to me, and just stare at me with those deep blue eyes. We would play-fight with each other, a way for us to touch without anyone saying anything. Someone started putting money in Chad’s account, and he began to gift me sweets and food. Sometimes, other prisoners got jealous, but Chad didn’t care, and neither did we. But Chad was very jealous. Once he realized how much I was into him, he started to change. He would complain that I walked around the block too much, that I didn’t want to sit next to him, that I talked to Scotland, that I didn’t play with him. Many times, out of jealousy, Chad would refuse to share food with me, doing it on purpose.

One day, Chad snapped out of jealousy and tried to attack me, saying he was just playing. The guards decided to lock down the block, and Chad refused to go back to his cell, so he was taken to solitary confinement. And just like that, Chad and I never spoke again. Maybe it was for the best. Many other inmates told me real stories about him that scared me and opened my eyes.

Chad was the first, but many more would come after. The interesting thing is that during that time, I never questioned Chad’s character. I never evaluated his actions towards me, and now, almost two years later, I can look back and see it all—and most importantly, see myself too. Remembering all this only made me realize how desperate I was in my search for love, not knowing that I should never have been searching for it because love isn’t something you search for; it’s something you build from the inside out.

I was desperate to love, to be loved. In my mind, I thought I could take Chad out of that life. Today, I know that no one leaves drugs for someone else. We only leave when we want to, and for ourselves. And I allowed myself to be close to someone who was toxic, violent, just because he said he liked me. Today, I understand the reason for my solitude.

[nimixo]

Unmasking the Soul: A Powerful Exploration of Identity

Sometimes you think that you want to disappear but all you really want is to be found. -Anonymous

#seekingconnection #innerstruggles #IdentityJourney #discoveryourself #emotionalyearning #Nimixo #motivationalquotes #MotivationBlowByBlow #motivationthursday

[highpriestess-pinkypunjabi]

Are you ready to be swept off your feet and to allow deep honesty and vulnerability to flow freely into your life? Do you believe in this type of true love? Get ready to take inspiration and run with it- to make art, music, and love, abd a veritable masterpiece of life.

Wear your heart on your sleeve.

I am in touch with my emotions.

[sisi66]

The Heart holds the answers. Allow to rest there for a while. Allow emotion. Find who or what is in your heart to support you. . You can book me for one-to-one sessions online: contact@oxisc.org . Artist: Rev. Michael Pockley, MA, PGDip, PGCE Art: https://pockley.blogspot.com . . . . #supportthosewhosupportyou #reachoutworldwide #reachout #bevulnerable #vulnerabilityisstrength #lookintoyourheart #yearning #longingheart #longingforlove #longingforconnection #connecting #stopandbreathe #loveislife #loveiseverything #loveisequal #loveiseverywhere #breatheintoyourheart #seeking #seekingconnection #seeker #aloneforever #alonebutnotlonely #alonelife #onyourown #togetheragain #togetherwerise #growthquotes #growingupwithstrictparents #growthsupportingeachother #supportweavers (at Oxford, Oxfordshire) https://www.instagram.com/p/COkGLcqLzgI/?igshid=3ay1vponn7v0

[khammy-roleplays]

Should I start writing here?

How does one even start on tumblr to write with others? I’m a multi-para to novella writer on aniroleplay so I am super curious.

[tlcooper0929]

Current reading stack! Books connect us across time and space! #books #reading #readingexpandshorizons #poetry #nonfiction #fiction #biography #cancer #activism #lovelearning #learningislifelong #myriadinterests #seekingconnection #science #research (at North Albany, Oregon)

[saospeaksvolumes]

I am. I be. I see. #seekingconnection (at Sowing Oates, Inc.)

[petergiang]

Plane Light Streaks Series, NYC 1/10 12x16" #seekingconnection Price acquiring please contact me at giangphoto@yahoo.com

[strangesonglady]

you wanted more than just the regular & I delivered it more than you can even imagine 😍😛

[petergiang]

Winner of this amazing B/W Chelsea skatepark series #seekingconnection goes to @jahluvv I want to Thank You for those who bought raffles which I'm donating to @danielericweiss who got in a really bad motorcycle accident!! #skateboard #photography #searching #true #meaning #life #abstract #minimum #blackandwhitephotos #photos #travel #adidasshowcase @sohoartsclub #sohoartclub (at SoHo Arts Club)

[petergiang]

Plane Streak, NYC 2016 series 1/10 Sold to @rosen43 Thank you for the love and support! @sohoartsclub #adidasshowcase #planes #planestreak #seekingconnection #photo #photography #travel #natgeo #life