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nitrochiralfan · 2 years ago

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Slow Damage name analysis: Towa

I did a post on the Slow Damage character names before. This post is an in-depth analysis of what the names mean for the characters.

The name meaning of Slow Damage may not be important on the surface but take an in-depth look at it, it does. Japanese culture is full of symbolism, tradition, and cultural nuances. When it comes to choosing names you need to pay attention to the context of how the names are used. When choosing a Japanese name it's important to know the context of how kanji are used in Japanese. Looking at the cultural nuances of the names reveals it does say a lot about the character in ways you wouldn’t notice. It's about the subtlety in names and needs to be seen.

I am not an expert on Japanese culture so I'll give a disclaimer since I have limited knowledge of it. Feel free to add your input to this.

Let's take a nose dive into the name with the game's main protagonist Towa.

Towa

The name "Towa" is a nickname that is revealed in the short story,

it came from “daredemo towazu” meaning "to sleep with anyone.” This is an insult to his promiscuity, which later turned into the name he uses. Towa himself doesn’t care what he is called. He kind of stuck with it since he hated being called by his other name. He doesn't want to be stuck with the name his mother chose for him as a way to own his autonomy. The word usage of Towa comes up again but it is used differently.

Towa's real name is Haruto Sakuragi ( 悠斗桜木)

Haru (悠)

“Haru,悠” means “permanence, much far, distant, long time, leisure, quiet, calm, composed, far-off, boundless, endless, eternal”

The meaning in the kanji sums up Towas personality in that he comes off to other people as cold, apathetic and distant with both himself and others. He is quiet and calm, completely stoic, never reacting in distressing situations. He blends in the background and fading in it he is closed off and in the dark about his past and himself. If you look at the narration of the game he is not much of a character because of how he acts in the story he is put on the sideline as a side character in the routes not having any focus giving it to the love interests. The meaning “permanence” refers to how he is locked in a permanent self-destructive state by his mother.

The kanji for “悠” is used in Japanese “悠々自適” meaning "living a life of leisure with dignity; living quietly and comfortably free from worldly cares;"

This infers Towa lives a hedonistic lifestyle and seems unconcerned about what would happen to himself.

To(斗)

“To,斗” means "a unit of liquid measure.” It's used for the used in the “Big Dipper from a star constellation, ladle.” something you used to pour in like a ladle.

It refers to the hourglass mechanic in the psychology segments and Maya's words to Towa.

"相手の望みを叶えれば叶えるほど、心が自らこちらへ流れてくるわ。砂時計のようにね”

"Grant their wishes and their hearts will flow to you... like an hourglass.”

In Japan, children are named after their parent's expectations of what their child should be. Towa’s given name references a certain idea that his mother wanted from him. The reason why she gave him Haruto as a name references what she thought of her son. Maya treated Towa like property to shape and mold into the image she wants disregarding her son's will like the sand in the hourglass. Maya wanted to convert her son to her image that she believes is the best version of him she thought she was doing it in Towa’s best interest but it was her own.

In the end, it is revealed that she harbored warped love towards her son but is unable to love and form connections due to how broken she is as a human. which resulted in her feeling distant from her son citing she feels far away from him

二度と届かない　あなたはず��と so far away It will never reach you again, you’re always so far away

遠く響くあの日のララバイ愛しさが今戻ったとしても二度と届かない　あなたはずっと so far away Resounding from the distance, the lullaby of that day Even if the love returned now It will never reach you again, you’re always so far away

though she loved Towa, she was never able to connect with her son in her last moments.

Haru is a Japanese homophone of spring referencing the month Towa is born. Spring is associated with light, and warmth. Towa was locked in a permanent winter by his mother but in the end, he finally lets the warmth of spring thaw his frozen heart.

Towa lets the light in by letting others in opening himself up accepts compassion and kindness. Towa is surrounded by people who genuinely look out for his well-being and see what life can offer him. He finally sees the world for what it is and enjoys living. If you think back to how he is introduced, Towa does change a lot in the true end compared with when he was first introduced. the name represents the transition Towa's character goes through in the game. Towa achieves happiness in a way Maya couldn’t see with his love interests.

Another example of the change is seen in the use of Towa,

トワに鳴る心臓亀裂の海

Towa ni naru shinzou kiretsu no umi

A heart beating for eternity, a sea full of cracks

despite it being an insult that people choose for him. Towa transforms it into someone beautiful in the song. It changes from being a derogatory term to using a word change in eternity. This shows the peak of Towas character development.

Sakuragi (桜木)

“Sakura” means “桜, cherry blossom” and “Gi” means “木, tree” When put together it's spelled “cherry blossom tree”.

Cherry blossoms are the flower of spring in Japanese culture and have prominent symbolism to them. Cherry blossoms are symbolic of ethereality, transience, renewal, death, rebirth, and new beginnings. They are short-lived flowers that only bloom for an amount of time because of their short life spans in Buddhist philosophy. Cherry blossoms are fragile and known for being gentle, delicate flowers. cherry blossoms imply everyone can change anytime change themselves teaches them about happiness

The cherry blossom symbolism has a lot to do with Towa, referring to Towa's hedonistic lifestyle and apathetic demeanor, apathetic to living and not caring if he lives or dies. People compare Towa to a walking corpse close to death day by day that can fall dead any moment.

Towa's surname is Sakuragi meaning cherry blossom tree which references the history associated with it.

In ancient times it has been believed that trees are inhabited by gods. gods came down and inhabited cherry blossom trees. When cherry blossoms bloomed it was a sign that god came down. The basis of hanami is to leave offerings of rice and sake to the kami inside the trees which people believed inhibited cherry blossoms. Towas name means cherry blossom tree might not be far-fetched since the whole god inhibits cherry blossoms; it foreshadowed sakakis plan for Towa used as a vessel to hold Maya's spirit for the second coming.

The last thing to say is the cherry blossom symbolism notes Towa’s character, Towa finally gets a new life after a cold winter and rejects and moves on from Maya's influence. Gets to experience a new beginning since he gets rid of his last name and finally lives Towa gets well-deserved closure with his past, sees what life has to offer and loves himself.

Towa’s name goes through numerous transitions in the game that correlate to his character development

Towas character goes through a transition in the game and his name references that.

#slow damage #Name meanings #towa #towa slow damage #my meta

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yukirayu · 2 years ago

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Cherry Blossoms: Their Connection to a Forsaken Name and to a Treasured Person

There's yet another significant little detail in Taku's route that I had noticed and wish to point out as coherently as I can. And yes, it involves yet again the final scene from Taku’s route, but damn if it wasn’t so layered with meaning.

To start, there’s the fact that Towa's real name is Haruto Sakuragi. His last name, Sakuragi (桜木), translates to "cherry blossom tree", which is a common motif in almost every Japanese work.

Cherry blossoms carry plenty of symbolisms. One mainly being the impermanence of human life since cherry blossoms bloom only for a short while every year. Cherry blossoms also tend to bloom specifically around the time winter ends and spring begins.

As such, the flowers can also symbolize the end of one life and the beginning of another. The cycle of death and rebirth - but even that symbolism is also synonymous with the concept of change itself. Nothing stays as is forever, hence everyone longs for what was.

A longing for the past, or the wistfulness one feels when they remember the past, is usually defined by the word "nostalgia", which is also the title of Taku's chapter.

But back to the previously mentioned symbolisms. Again, cherry blossoms represent change and mortality.

If there's one thing that has been haunting Towa for the longest time as a result of his torturous past, it’s stagnation. For years, he had drifted by life whilst in a near-endless state where he stands in the middle of complete apathy and self-destructive desire.

For all those years, not much had changed for him. While he has gone through some highs and lows (e.g. losing his right eye), his life has been stagnant because he hasn't taken one step to healing from his trauma. He did lose his hot-blooded edges, which technically counts as an improvement, but it doesn’t necessarily push him any closer towards finding closure or recovery.

The degree of how much he heals (or reforms his trauma yet also essentially regresses in a certain route) depends on who is his chosen love interest. Towa’s healing is most apparent in Fujieda's route, naturally, but he still goes through a significant amount of healing in Taku's route.

Yes, he never confronts his mother's ghost nor does he ever know more about his past. At least, he doesn’t know anything else besides the vague hint Taku gives him about how his childhood wasn’t all that great.

Even then, Towa still finds love with someone who unconditionally cherishes him even after seeing him mostly at his worst. Because of this, in time, he no longer feels inclined towards violence and pain and debauchery.

Given what he had been through and what it had done to him, that's already a lot. So this development encapsulates the symbolism of change.

But then, there is also the symbolism of mortality. And it's in this symbolism, plus another, where his mother plays a greater influence.

Putting aside the fact that Towa's apathy has him not care about whether he'd die today or not, mortality usually refers to death.

Here's where Maya enters the picture, as the flowers can also be connected to her as well, given that she shares a similar situation with her son about using a different name instead of her real name: Yuma Sakuragi.

Maya is already long dead. But as the final route reveals, she has yet to truly be gone. At least… not as long as there is the chance of her "resurrecting" through her son. While roses are Maya's main flower motif, cherry blossoms can also reflect her nature in some ways.

Cherry blossoms are often associated with gentleness and feminine beauty, both of which capture Maya…

Or how she appears on the outside, at least.

In the end, like a thorned rose, Maya’s crimes paint her as anything but sweet and kind, and her fair looks mask a remorseless monster.

And like how cherry blossoms do not live for long, Maya's life was cut short via an accidental but nevertheless karmic end.

Even then, she sought to not truly "die", hoping that Towa would (willingly) take after her and continue where she left off. This way, she would "defy" death and be “reborn” through him, an extension of her.

She, a harbinger of corruption and death, sought a twisted form of immortality.

Because of everything Maya had done, Towa would rather never be associated with anything reminding him of her, such as his true name. Fujieda’s drama CD even has him expressing disinterest towards the idea of adopting even just his legal surname.

He also remarked in the last track that he no longer likes the color red because it was the color Maya liked to wear the most. Not to mention, it was also the color of the room that was his hell.

Thus, it should have also been easy for Towa to associate cherry blossoms with the one person he both fears and detests, and thus feel uneasy around those flowers.

It isn't the case in canon, however. Though it still doesn’t downplay the significance of the presence of cherry blossoms in the background of Taku’s Euphoria ending. Sure, they definitely help paint a romantic image, but I don't think that's all there is to it.

Cherry blossoms still have a connection to a past, or an identity, that he would rather not remember or reclaim, but that is overshadowed by its more positive symbolism that plays a great role in Towa’s story.

Towa is an artist and his synesthesia causes him to see many colors at once, yet his life is ironically dreary and dark and cold (winter).

But all that slowly fades away when Towa accepts and reciprocates someone’s warmth and love.

He changes, and - especially on the day that he and Taku finally reunite - his life markedly becomes softer and brighter and warmer (spring). It's why he no longer does his work as 'euphoria', why the others can notice a positive shift in his demeanor.

Whenever Taku is beside him in bed, Towa is no longer haunted by nightmares of his childhood. Then there’s the cherry blossoms gracing the scenery when he sees the man and how they coincidentally represent how his life had changed for the better.

And it’s all thanks to a man that had cared for him since childhood. This fact alone overshadows how those same ephemeral flowers can also remind him of a name that’s yet another connection to a horrifying figure of his life.

That’s how important Taku had become to him.

Comment: Speaking of Towa and Maya’s surname, there is a post that goes into more detail about its meaning, since I just summed up the information in my post, but credits to said post for helping inspire the idea. I was rewatching the good ending (of course I was) and then I suddenly remembered this post… then it all clicked.

#slow damage #fen writes meta

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praeteritus-memories-muses · 1 year ago

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Name: Haruto Sakuragi Towa

Series: Slow Damage

Continuity: Visual Novel True Ending

Age: 26

Height: 5'7"

Birthday: March 7th

Birthplace: Japan

Orientation: Homosexual

Species: Human

Occupation: Heir to the biggest mafia group in all of Japan Clinic receptionist and freelance artist

Father: Ryuujirou Takasato (deceased)

Mother: Maya (deceased)

Bio:

TRIGGER WARNING FOR: CSA, SELF HARM, ADDICTION, ASSAULT, ETC ETC

Born as Haruto Sakuragi, Towa is the son of a major yakuza boss and his mistress. Towa was deemed illegitimate and his mother wasn't able to receive compensation so she forced her son and a girl she later brought in named Mei into sex trafficking. On top of his mother selling him to 'clients', she was often emotionally abusing her son by neglecting him of love and manipulating him into doing every thing she said.

He and Mei lived in hell but planned an escape, except in failed which resulted in Towa getting beaten by his mother and Mei getting killed. This deeply traumatized Towa, who viewed Mei like a sister and his only source of comfort between the hell he had to endure as a child, and he never has forgiven himself for this.

Although Towa did manage to escape at some point after his mother's death, he came out of it with crippling mental illnesses. Towa not only developed severe PTSD and depression but developed selective memory to the point where he doesn't remember the trafficking for the most part and thinks Mei was his actual sister.

Along with what happened after his mother died, he still held trauma from before his mother died of the abuse he suffered with her. This led Towa to fall off the deep end and join the yakuza and worked under a man named Madarame. To hide from his traffickers, Towa dyed his hair and entered an abusive relationship with Madarame as well as falling into alcohol, drugs and self harm. The self harm stems from trauma from his childhood due to what some clients would due to him as well as harming his face so he doesn't look like his mother. Anytime anyone remarks he looks like his mother, it sends Towa into a spiral.

His time in the yakuza and his abusive relationship deeply effected Towa and left him at a rock bottom, until Madarame "died" fighting off the yakuza which gave Towa the opportunity to quit and eventually meet with his childhood friend Taku who helped him get clean from drugs and got him a job at his clinic. However, an incident within the yakuza did cause Towa to permanently lose his eye. He can't afford a glass prosthetic so he doesn't frighten anyone with his gaping socket so instead he wears an eyepatch or keeps his damaged eye closed.

However, Towa still has not recovered from his other issues. He's an alcoholic, smokes heavily, self harms and doesn't take care of himself at all to the point where his friends have to tell him to eat or drink something. While Taku knows about his self harm and drinking issues, what his two friends don't really know is that Towa has a pain fetish and sleeps around recklessly.

This has effected his only proper passion, painting. Towa is deemed a talented artist among his friend group, having wanted to become an artist ever since his mother took him to an art gallery when he was a child, but struggles with artists block to the point where he often feels like he can only paint after a night of binge drinking, reckless sex and/or engaging in self harm.

Towa is pretty quiet and many call him depraved and aloof, but the reality is that he's a deeply broken man who often needs people to help lift him up. Even with all his issues, at his core, Towa can be really caring and even pretty funny when he wants to be as he'll often crack sarcastic jokes or quick remarks.

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towatism · 30 days ago

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false sense of security

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suikyounamegami · 3 years ago

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Personajes de Slow Damage

Esta es una lista con los comentarios y "análisis" que he hecho sobre algunos de los personajes de SD, análisis a los que también llamo "misterios de SD"

como no pensé que el tema del vampiro me tomaría tantos post 😵decidí hacerla para que sean más fáciles de encontrar

El Vampiro

Parte 1 / Parte 2 ／ Parte 3 ／ Parte 4 ／ Parte 5

Ikuina Takashi 🛐 ♥.♥

Inada Hiroo

Kirihara Megumu

Towa

Maya

#slow damage #スロウ・ダメージ #surodame #スロダメ #personajes de slow damage #towa #haruto #sakuragi haruto #ikuina #ikuina takashi #inada #inada hiroo #megumu #kirihara megumu #vampiro #maya #yuuma #sakuragi yuuma

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lucisetcaelum · 1 year ago

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Bueno, otra de las fotitos que me saqué de Towa! Hope you like it!

#towa #slow damage #cosplay #cosplayer #スロウ・ダメージ #桜木悠斗 #トワ #Sakuragi Haruto #nitro+chiral

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iconsofanimes · 6 years ago

Photo

#Haruto #Haruto Doumyouji #Doumyouji Haruto #Ryo #Ryou #Ryou Kazami #Kazami Ryou #Kaede #Kaede Yumesaki #Yumesaki Kaede #Miria #Miria Sakuragi #Sakuragi Miria #anime icons #anime screencap #Virtual-san looking #Virtual-san wa Miteiru

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nanashinohime · 4 years ago

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Some info about Slow Damage Characters (Part 1)

So the official Slow Damage book contains some additional info about the characters, comment from the staff, a short story and a lot of new illustrations. Unfortunately, right now, I think the book is only available in Japan. Hopefully, Nitroplus Chiral will sell it in their international store in the future because i really recommend getting the book if you`re a Slow Damage fan

Also, unfortunately, i cannot post what's inside the book (eg. illustrations) :( but I'll share some new details about the characters that are written in the book (may contain some spoilers?). Here are some additional info about the main characters

Towa (トワ）

Real Name: Sakuragi Haruto (桜木悠斗)

Age: 26

Blood Type: A

Height 175 cm

Hair Color: Black

Eye Color: Green and Hazel Gradient

Dominant Hand: Right

Smoke Color Red

Birthday: March 7 (Pisces)

Favorite Food: Nuts

Dislikes: Boiled Sweet Beans

Hobbies: Alcohol, Tobacco, Oil Painting,

Taku (タク）

Real Name: Murase Takuma (村瀬巧真）

Age: 45

Blood Type: O

Height: 177 cm

Hair Color: Red

Eye Color: Baby Green

Dominant Hand: Right

Smoke Color: Orange

Birthday September 22 (Virgo)

Favorite Food: Horsemeat Sushi, Boiled Food

Dislikes: Fresh Cream, Candy

Hobbies: Watching Movies, Billiards

Rei (レイ）

Full Name: Izumi Rei（和泉礼)

Age: 25

Blood Type: A

Height 179cm

Hair Color: Ash Brown Pink

Eye Color: Brown Pink

Dominant Hand : Ambidextrous (When Writing: Right Hand, When eating: Left)

Smoke Color: Bright Yellow

Birthday: April 27 (Taurus)

Favorite Food: Meat, Pudding Tomato

Dislikes: Shellfish, Shiitake Mushrooms, Green Onion

Hobbies: Cooking, “Sweets Tour”/trying out different type of sweets, Body Art

Madarame (班目）

Full Name: Madarame Kei（班目圭）

Age: 39

Blood Type: O

Height: 186cm

Hair Color: Moss Greenish Black

Eye Color： Gold

Dominant Hand：Right

Smoke Color: Dark Blue

Birthday: December 4 (Sagittarius)

Favorite Food: Beer, Spicy Food

Dislikes: Nothing

Hobbies: Loves Animals

Fujieda (藤枝)

Name: Fujieda Ryo (藤枝涼）

Real Name: Yuzuki Minato (柚木みなと）　

Age: 28

Blood Type: A

Height: 182 cm

Hair Color: Black

Eye Color: Blue-Black

Dominant Hand: Left

Smoke Color: Red (Colorless and Transparent when lying)

Birthday: June 25 (Cancer)

Favorite Food：Japanese Food

Dislike: Ethnic Spices

Hobbies: Reading

#ngl i thought taku`s hair is brownish #am i color blind or something #slow damage #スロウダメージ #スロダメ #towa (slow damage)#rei slow damage #taku slow damage #madarame slow damage #fujieda slow damage

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yurureri-yurari · 4 years ago

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crimson deliverance

✬ NSFW ✩ Psycho-Pass AU

Premise: Years of perseverance are finally rewarding them. Not before an unforeseen trial of their making, however.

— ✾ —

When Itori said they would have a new member to the team, no one expected it to be the fugitive ex-inspector last sighted a few years ago. Apparently, the sudden vacation she had taken some time ago was to track her down, managing to find her in Tibet and convincing her to return to the country.

“... Is there anything you have to say to me, Yasushi-san?” were Ayame’s first words to him, once they had been left alone together in the meeting room by their teammates. Before that, she had formally apologized to him for any grievances she caused him in the past years.

There were a lot of things he had to say to her. Most of them being things he already knew the answer to.

What happened to you after the Shambala Float incident?

Have you met with Arima yet?

Are you still going to pretend to be who you’re not anymore?

Instead, all he could manage to say was, “Welcome back, Ayame,” and promptly left after she responded with a nod:

“I’m back.”

The days that followed this were almost as usual, slowly providing him answers to his unspoken questions.

Following the Shambala Float incident, Ayame had continued to wander in the Southeast Asian Union. As mentioned, Itori brought her back from Tibet, after dealing with a mercenary group. Since her return to Japan to the present, she hadn’t paid a visit to Arima, who undoubtedly didn’t know she was back.

As coworkers in the same team, they saw each other at work daily. It was reminiscent of the old days when she was a rookie officer, if excluding that Ayame was more honest with her emotions. There was difficulty interacting with each other—the air between them always seemed to dampen with awkwardness. It was subtle when around others, but when it was only the two of them, anyone could tell that there was clearly something that happened between them that needed a conclusion to.

— ✾ —

“You think they did it?” Itori asked Seishi while they were on break.

“Maybe,” he responded, taking a drink of his canned coffee. “I don’t think they’d be awkward like this though.”

They were watching Ayame and Mamoru doing work together in the office from Itori’s own.

Itori, likewise, drank from her own can. “Hmm. Yeah, it has been, uh... how many years again?”

“Eight,” Seishi reminded her.

“Eight years... They’re definitely a keeper for each other,” she nodded to herself. “If it were me, I would have moved on already.”

“Even if that person was Uta?” he challenged her.

In reply, she briefly shot him a glare before he diverted her attention.

“Hey, he’s leaning in.”

“And then their eyes are going to meet and on noticing how close they are...”

“He pulls away.”

“Awkward silence.” Itori imitated Ayame’s voice. “Thank you for the help.”

Seishi, in turn, did the same, but with Mamoru: “It’s no problem.”

“And finally, the awkward departure.”

The boss relaxed back into her chair as her subordinate sighed, her index finger tapping on the armrest as she was in thought. She looked at the case file on her desk.

There had been reports of immigrant children going missing and as the proactive branch of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, it was their case to solve instead of the Ministry of Welfare’s. Two victims had been recovered, both found dead with various injuries. The suspect was a painter named Sakuragi Haruto, who was name-dropped by an accomplice before going mad and being eliminated. Ominous rumors surrounded Sakuragi, a particular one being that his inspiration for each of his paintings came from models in unethical conditions made by him.

The main objective at hand currently, was to find out where Sakuragi’s studio was. The address listed on his website was but a location used for meetings rather than creating his art pieces. Normally, such a thing would have already been acquired through methods of tracking, but their target was suspiciously evasive. Therefore, a different approach would be taken: the date of a banquet held between the wealthy was drawing close and Sakuragi was on the guest list.

Itori planned to send in two of her subordinates to undercover there and make contact with him. Apparently, Sakuragi had quite the connections when it came to the rich, which was odd in that these connections didn’t seem to be used for gaining influence. When they interviewed one of these connections, they mentioned that Sakuragi provided them a place to “unwind,” but where that was, they would not say. Finding out what this place was, was the goal of the mission.

Itori’s lips curled into a sly smile. “Maybe I should give them some time outside of the office together.”

— ✾ —

Silence filled the car as Mamoru drove to the hotel they were staying at for the night for their mission. Ayame was looking through their intel on a tablet at his side. As he watched the road, he thought of how their assignment happened.

“Me and... Ayame?” Mamoru looked at Itori, perplexed.

Ayame appeared as usual in comparison.

“Is there a problem with that, Mamoru-kun?” their boss questioned. “I thought it would be best for you to be Ayame-chan’s partner for this mission since I heard you were one of her closest relationships back in her MWPSB days.”

“No... there isn’t,” he refuted with uncertainty.

Itori hummed curiously at him before looking at Ayame. “What about you, Ayame-chan?”

“I have no qualms,” she answered flatly.

“Then all is well,” the redhead smiled with content.

Being reminded of that smile was bothering him. Clearly, something was up and he already knew what.

“Can you truly do this?” Ayame’s voice snapped Mamoru out of his thoughts.

“Of course; why do you ask?” he returned a question.

She turned the tablet off. “... There are some...” her hands rested in her lap together, “... unresolved matters between us that could hinder your performance, after all.”

He was nearly caught off-guard by this. It would be apparent they had the same idea of clearing up said matters with this chance of being alone with one another.

“Then should we resolve those before the party?” he asked.

She oddly paused before answering, turning her gaze to the passenger window. “... Maybe another time.”

Mamoru wondered what she paused for when two things hit him. The first was that his choice of words could imply continuing where they had been interrupted that night, which he internally face-palmed himself for. The second was that Ayame was embarrassed in some amount. He wished he could have caught the slightest glimpse of that.

“In conversation, I mean,” he clarified quickly in a fluster.

“If we have the time,” Ayame responded. “If not, then after the party. I’ll trust that you’ll do well in that case.”

“Agreed,” he stated.

Conversation promptly disappeared with that as she let him focus on driving.

Though they hoped their time for resolution would be before the party, it ended up having to be after as they busied themselves with their prep work.

— ✾ —

Ayame came out of the bathroom earlier than he thought she would. “Yasushi-san?” she called. “Can I ask you to help with my zipper?”

He looked up from the tablet, seeing her in a black dress that left everything above her chest and biceps exposed. Her hand was over her chest to keep the top from protruding outward. Mamoru stared at her for a moment before giving a response, realizing he was holding his breath. “Sure.”

She turned around as he walked over to her. He took the zipper of her dress and slowly drew it upwards. This was dangerous, he thought; standing close to her with her skin exposed was causing him to have unwanted thoughts.

When he was done, she turned back to him. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he replied.

They stared at each other for a moment in the almost-suffocating close proximity they were in, as though waiting for the other to say something.

“... You look great,” Mamoru nearly coughed that out.

Ayame nodded. “Itori-san chose it for me.”

He would keep that in mind as more evidence to point toward their boss’ personal motive in this mission.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

“Yes; and you?” she returned the question, slipping on one of the ring bands they were provided for their mission on her left ring finger.

He already had his on after a moment of thought while she was getting ready in the washroom. “Yeah,” he answered.

They headed out of their room together for the banquet hall. When arriving at the entrance, they positioned themselves as the other couples did; the lady’s hand around the gentleman’s held-out arm.

For the first few conversations, they were together, making mention of their target Sakuragi Haruto here and there to gather more information. The way that Ayame acted was starkly different from her real persona, reminding Mamoru of their days together as inspector and enforcer. Seeing this difference side-by-side only showed him how much work she had put into attempting to be “normal.”

Eventually, they split up, keeping in contact with each other through their earpieces. Not much side-progress was being made with collecting more information and a chance of approaching Sakuragi, who they had spotted while they were together, didn’t seem to be anytime soon. That is, until...

“Excuse me, Miss?” Mamoru heard their target’s voice in his earpiece as he walked around the hall.

... he approached one of them himself.

“Yes?” Ayame replied.

Mamoru scanned the crowds for her figure.

“I’m Sakuragi Haruto, a painter. I wanted to ask if you were interested in modeling for me.”

“I’m honored, but why me?”

“You’ve caught my interest, is all.”

The pace he walked quickened.

She made a small laugh. “My husband might not be pleased to hear that.”

“I can promise it won’t be anything for him to be worried about; I only paint the true desire of an individual.”

“’True desire...’ Are you implying you learned what my ‘true desire’ is with one look?”

“No, but I have intuition that yours will be worth painting.”

Finally, he spotted Ayame, swiftly entering their conversation at her side. His arm was around her, resting on her bare shoulder.

Making a convincing, but forced, friendly smile, he asked Sakuragi, “Do you have business with my wife?” There was something subtle that could be described as threatening in his smile, which he didn’t seem to notice himself.

“Speak of the devil.” Their target was either unfazed by this or didn’t notice as he held a polite smile on his face. “What a lucky man to have such a lovely wife.”

Ayame made a small bow. “Yes; thank you.” She turned to Mamoru. “Sakuragi-san and I were just discussing his work.”

“Is that so?” he replied.

“He asked me if I could model for him. Would you mind that, dear?” she questioned.

“I would very much,” is what he would have said without any restraints, but instead his words were, “As long as it’s a private work and we’re given a copy of the finished product.”

“I suppose you were right, Sakuragi-san,” she turned her smile back to said person.

“I’m pleased,” Sakuragi expressed. He reached into his inner pocket and handed Ayame his business card. “You can set up an appointment with me at any time...?”

“Washuu Sayuri,” she answered.

The painter looked at Mamoru next, prompting him to follow with, “Washuu Aru.”

“Sayuri-san. Aru-san. It was nice meeting the two of you.” Sakuragi bowed politely. “If you’ll excuse me.”

Once he had disappeared within the crowd, Mamoru almost awkwardly removed his hand from her shoulder. “Sorry.”

She shook her head, her demeanor returning to its usual as though swiftly switching masks. “It’s fine.”

They headed for a quiet spot to discuss their next moves. As he thought about the current state of things, his actions while undercover poked at him while they walked. On the other hand, Ayame was examining Sakuragi’s business card before looking in front of her.

“This isn’t the way I’d think this was going to go down,” he remarked quietly so bystanders wouldn’t hear.

“It’s a dangerous method, but there’s no other choice,” she replied. “It was the least we could accomplish.”

“I don’t like the idea of putting you in danger, but that unfortunately doesn’t change that you’re right,” he begrudgingly said. “We should stay here for a little longer before leaving.”

She nodded in agreement.

The two remained where they were in silence, appearing more as two bystanders now rather than a couple. If they could, they would have left the hall as soon as they finished their mission. The chatter of the people they masked themselves as were unintelligible from their spot, but they had no need to hear any of it anymore.

— ✾ —

After their leave from the banquet, they returned to their hotel room. They were to report back the morning after, the lenient Itori having told them to enjoy the luxury of pretending to be wealthy before they departed for their mission as a bonus. Both discussed who was sleeping where before one was off to wash up first, which ended with one round of rock-paper-scissors. Ayame had won, therefore, she was taking the bed and Mamoru, the sofa.

Mamoru walked out of the bathroom, dressed for bed and fresh out of the shower. The first thing he looked to was Ayame, who was sitting on the end of the bed with the laptop he had used earlier to type up their mission report while it was her turn in the shower. She seemed to be reading the report, checking if he had omitted any details.

He sat down next to her, leaving a gap of space between them. She briefly looked up at him, closing the laptop and setting it on the dresser across from them before returning to her spot.

“Where shall we start?” Ayame opened the conversation.

Mamoru decided to begin from the last time he saw her prior to her addition to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. “What happened to you after Shambala Float? Arima said you got away after you two took care of the leader of those mercenaries.”

“I went back to the guerrilla base.”

“I suppose you left there at some point and traveled around, since Itori found you in Tibet rather than Cambodia.”

She nodded.

“Have you met Arima at all since you came back?”

“Not yet.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t have anything to say to him and... I don’t know if he wants to see me. He didn’t say anything to me after we fought together in Shambala.”

They shared a small silence at that before Mamoru spoke up.

“Well... I’m not Arima, but if Seishi was on the run for almost ten years and came back, I’d hope he’d come to see me no matter how mad I might be at what he did,” he said. “... It’s better to see him than not at all.”

Ayame nodded again, understanding what he meant. “I’ll think it through again sometime.”

Another silence approached them, this time lasting longer than the first. This was undoubtedly because only the source of their awkwardness outside of work was what remained to be spoken of. It was one of those events where they thought it’d be the last time they’d see each other, but their unexpected reunion a few months ago as fellow agents of Itori’s team would say otherwise, turning what was an interrupted tender moment into something to be flustered about.

Ayame was the one to initiate it in the end.

“That night in Shambala... if the base hadn’t been attacked...” she trailed off.

“I would have kissed you,” Mamoru finished her sentence rather blatantly, although with a trace of a blush. “Would you have let me?”

He already knew the answer to his question—or more, he thought it was most likely. While his confidence in this was firm, there was still that small part of him that hoped he was right.

She was quiet, and almost painstakingly so before responding.

“After I killed Nimura and fled the country,” she began, “I thought I would be fine in never seeing anyone again. Everyone appeared in my thoughts as I traveled at least once. Eto-san, Tenshi-san, Kirishima-san, Hirako-san... I thought the ones who I would most think of was Kishou-oniisan and my parents, but... it was you.” For second, her tone sounded childishly annoyed in the slightest. “You were persistent. There almost wasn’t a day I thought of you. My chest sometimes hurt even though I wasn’t injured as well.

“I didn’t understand why for a long time.” Her eyes softened in sorrow. “... I didn’t want to. It would have broken the lie I began living in when I left.”

“And you’ve left that lie behind,” Mamoru said.

Ayame nodded. “That’s why I can say this without restraint.”

She paused for a moment before giving him her words.

“... I like you, Yasushi-san.”

Mamoru was stunned at her confession, perhaps even more so at the sight of the shyness visible on her face.

“... I like you too,” he responded to her.

“And... I missed you,” she added.

His voice softened. “I missed you too.”

They stared at each other for a moment. They didn’t know who was first, but they both leaned into each other, their fingers that were only inches away making contact as they pressed into the bed.

He pulled away after long enough, staring into her similar crimson eyes again when she opened them. They exchanged another moment of silent gazes before eight years worth of restraint by interruptions, hindrances, and themselves accumulated into another kiss that was deeper than the first. Their breaths mingled with one another, growing shorter the longer their tongues intertwined.

Pulling away, they panted as they caught their breaths.

“Are we...?” Ayame asked.

“If you want to,” Mamoru answered. Though, he honestly wasn’t sure how much self-control he would have if she postponed this for another time. Not that he even knows how much he has right now.

She was quiet for a moment, averting her eyes from him. The room was dimly lit, but he could sense that she was flustered. “... I don’t mind, but... I don’t know how to do this.”

“I think I have a decent grasp of it, but... we’ll both figure things out along the way,” he admitted with embarrassed honesty.

“I’m your first?” she inquired, meeting his eyes again.

He gave her a shy response. “... Yeah. Surprised?”

“A little,” Ayame said. The corners of her lips seemed to curl subtly at this new intel.

As though in retaliation for her unintended teasing, he took her by surprise by pushing her down on the bed without too much force and hovered over her.

Mamoru stared into her crimson eyes. “I... don’t know if I can make any promises tonight.”

She nodded and reached for his cheeks with both hands, her fingers brushing his skin. “I’ll be fine.”

“Don’t regret this later,” he told her, his voice lowering into a murmur as he drew down to her.

Her fingers slid into his damp white hair and she gave a small smile of assurance before their lips met and parted for a third kiss.

It was less clumsier than the previous, but the sensuality from it that stoked the heated emotions in them that had been dormant until now was all the same. Before they could be sent into a state of breathlessness again, Mamoru broke away from Ayame, planting kisses from her jawline to the curvature of her neck. Her breaths were slightly strained from both their kiss and the sensation of his lips brushing her skin.

The stimulation must be foreign to her, he thought, which prompted him to wonder what was going on in her own mind in the moment.

While his mouth nipped and sucked at her neck, his hand ran up her curled leg and positioned at the spot between both. He didn’t take his time—slipping under her undergarment to directly feel her warm slickness.

Thinking about how they were interrupted back then gave him a sense of rush that he did his best to restrain.

Her legs twitched inward at his touch, her breath hitching. He stopped marking her skin temporarily to study her red face for reactions while catching his breath as he experimented where to touch her best before going any further.

“W-What is it?” Ayame questioned, her embarrassment increasing at the notice of his observation.

His self-restraint possibly loosened just then. “It’s nothing.”

This was the most expressive he had ever seen of her, and knowing he was the first to do so brought him a sense of pride.

“Please don’t look—” She was momentarily interrupted with suppressing a voice as he touched a spot. He found it. “—at me.”

“But you’re too cute,” he mumbled, mostly to himself, as he returned to marking his territory on her, continuing where he left off, but retracing his path to behind her ear.

Before she could give a reply, his finger made their entrance in her and another one followed soon enough. They were in and out at a soft pace, particularly teasing a spot from within that would certainly test her limit here and there after finding it in another search. Her hands clenched his shoulders as she seemed to be having an increasingly difficult time keeping hold of her noises. He slowed his motions eventually, allowing her breathing to steady.

Mamoru removed his soaked fingers from her. He stripped her of her pants and underwear. When he began unbuttoning her top, she stopped him, rising up.

“I can do the rest,” Ayame told him, cheeks still tinted. “You… probably don’t know how to undo this part.” Her fingers pointed to her bra.

“Y-Yeah,” he stuttered. “You should.”

While she did so, he took off his own clothing, feeling less heated without them. He briefly left the bed to grab the small packages that were in a pocket of the bag carrying their equipment for the mission, begrudgingly thanking his boss in his mind. Thankfully, he was the one who did the check with their equipment while preparing for their mission earlier.

Returning to her, he found himself in mesmerization at her timid beauty in the dim lighting that only accentuated her figure.

“… You’re looking,” she called him out.

He gave her an amused, small smirk taking her lips once more. “How can I not?”

He guided her back down on the bed, deciding to move on to the next step when he drew away.

“Are you ready?” he asked for consent after his preparation.

Ayame nodded.

After her confirmation, he pressed his member against her folds, lubricating himself with her fluids slowly out of anxiousness. When he entered her, he found himself almost holding his breath, feeling her contract around him as he reached further and further until there was no more depth to cover.

“Sorry; does it hurt?” Mamoru worriedly asked upon noticing how hard she was clenching the bedsheet and the slight scrunch of her face. He caressed her cheek in comfort, moving strands of her hair away from her face.

“A bit,” she managed to say in an almost-strangled voice.

“We can stop if you want.” Even if he wanted to settle this now, it was more important to him that she was comfortable.

Ayame shook her head. “No... I’ll be fine... I... want this, so...”

His eyes briefly widened in surprise at her bold statement before he ducked his burning face into the crook of her neck. “... Really, you...” Once he regained what little composure he had, he told her, “Tell me when you’re good for me to move,” before sealing her lips with his own.

After creating more blemishes on her skin where he hadn’t, he drew down to her breasts, taking one nub into his mouth and easing her tenseness. He could tell her pain was progressively subsiding as he felt her relax around him.

“Y-You can move now...” Ayame gave her approval soon enough.

Mamoru gave a hum of confirmation.

Though he started off slow for her, even having been stagnant for those few minutes earlier with her tensing had worked him up well enough that he was already feeling on edge with his release. Meanwhile, she was at her ends with the constraint of her voice, actively restraining it by pressing her knuckles against her lips. The current pace was only prolonging him torturously and eventually, he lost his grip on himself. Along with the little self-restraint he had left.

He quietly cursed, removing himself from her to change condoms.

“Ayame,” Mamoru called for her when he was done.

She looked up at him, still catching her breath. “?—”

In that moment, he re-entered her without warning. Her voice came out as he pinned the wrist of the hand she was going to clamp over her mouth to the bed at the same time.

“Sorry,” he apologized, half-heartedly. “I wanted to hear you just once.” And naturally, he wanted to hear more now as he kept hold of her wrist.

“Liar…” she took notice of his lie as he began moving for the second cour after also restraining her other hand.

Like before, Mamoru started off slow, but he was less inclined to keep that pace for any longer than a few minutes before gradually picking it up. The sound of Ayame’s voice mixed with her panting fueled him, as did her eagerness to welcome his progressively deep thrusts.

The closer she seemed to draw to her limit, the more her legs closed on him and shortly, she made a choked cry. She tensed up for a few moments, her lower half twitching a few times before relaxing. Her chest rose and fell as she attempted to catch her breath. Though he hadn’t had his own release, he removed himself from her.

“… Sorry...” she managed to say in her panting.

“Eh?” Mamoru blurted out in response.

Ayame covered her burning face with a hand. “I couldn’t… hold back…”

His surprise relaxed into a reassuring smile, having thought she was apologizing for something else. “It’s fine.”

“Are you stopping?” she asked.

“If you want me to,” he answered.

“I don’t mind…” she followed.

“Then…” Mamoru’s face lowered between her legs.

“What are you…?”

“I’m just a little curious is all.”

His lips brushed against her thigh, adding more traces of him to her skin. He hadn’t been counting how much he was leaving behind nor was he thinking about the potential repercussions in the morning—the only thing his thoughts were filled with, was that Ayame had returned to his daily life and that he wouldn’t let her leave again.

Her legs closed on his head as his tongue found her folds. She clamped a hand over her mouth, her expression contorted as she restrained her voice. Though he preferred to hear her in full, her muffled sounds that leaked out at times were still pleasing to his ears.

When she came undone with her back arching, he didn’t stop in his musings, drinking everything she released and teasing out more of it from her until she was breathing in slowly and heavily again.

There was no talking this time as Mamoru took Ayame’s lips with need, the bud of his arousal pressed against her entrance. She made a gasp into his mouth as he pushed into her, her nails dragging across the back of his shoulders. He hooked his arms under her legs to keep them spread, mercilessly starting right off the bat in a rough and fast pace that wouldn’t allow her to think.

“Yasu… shi… san…” she panted.

“That’s wrong… isn’t it?” he asked in-between his own breaths.

It took her a moment to correct herself, as though she was still in unnecessary gripe. “Ma… Mamoru…”

“Until you’re used to it… keep saying it…”

He leaned into where her neck curved, hearing his name in her voice directly in his ear in repeat. His thrusts grew deeper as she spoke, crashing into her deepest regions. And until their knots unravelled, he didn’t stop.

— ✾ —

After their intimate time together, they had taken another shower, albeit together shyly. It was only in the bright light of the bathroom did Mamoru see just how much he marked and bit her. Ayame didn’t seem to notice how odd it was that most of it was above her chest and biceps, which he was thankful for. In comparison, he only had several red lines across his shoulder blades. Both apologized for their thoughtless actions.

The morning after and the ride back to the office was without a hitch. At least, until they had to report to Itori and Mamoru was left alone with their boss.

“Did you like it?” innocently smiled Itori, fiddling with a pen.

“Like what?” Mamoru questioned, knowing exactly what she was referring to.

“You know what,” she continued to smile.

“That has nothing to do with the mission.” He rose from his seat and started toward the door. “If that’s all you wanted me for, then I’m leaving.”

“You also used them all.”

His hand froze on the doorknob and he felt blood rush to his face at that.

Seeing he wasn’t going to amuse her more, she pouted. “Boo; you’re not enough fun. Well, tell Ayame-chan I said congratulations.”

Mamoru still didn’t utter a word, exiting Itori’s office as casually as he could.

He let out an exasperated sigh, heading for the balcony for a smoke break. There, he found Ayame. The sight of her overlooking the city was incredibly nostalgic. He remembered how after she became a fugitive, a small part of him would hopelessly think she would still be there on the MWPSB balcony whenever he came up there before he was scouted out for his current position.

Ayame turned to him at the sound of the door closing.

“Are you done with your report to Itori-san?” she asked.

“Yeah; it wasn’t anything important,” he answered.

“I see,” she said.

“What are you doing here?”

“I had something to ask you and thought you’d be here.”

“What is it, Ayame?”

“Why didn’t you forget about me? I’m asking out of curiosity.”

He paused as he was taking out a cigarette from its box, putting it back in and the box in his pocket. “It’s not easy to forget a coworker you work closely with. Especially one who treated you kindly, even if it might have been an act at first. I’ll be honest that I thought about it once or twice. It bothered me too much that someone who was supposedly emotionless as you let me live despite getting in your way during the confrontation with Nimura at the factory though.”

“You would have been better off if you did.” She turned her back on him to look at the ground far below them and the far away people and objects.

Ignoring his hesitance and valuing its proof, Mamoru embraced her from behind.

“No,” he quietly denied. “You came back after all, so it was worth it. Even if it took more years, as long as you did, I’d still think the same.”

He felt her cling onto his sleeve.

“I see,” Ayame said. “Thank you, Mamoru.”

He hummed in confirmation. “Let’s make up for all those years we lost.”

She faced him, tears of happiness in her eyes. “Yes.”

Mamoru kissed the corner of Ayame’s eyes before her lips, the soft gesture as though a vow made to his proposal.

#anghoul [himura ayame]#history’s eyes [original characters]#swaying and being swayed [stories]

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