#Saga was his foil in almost every single way and it WORKED

[pinkomcranger]

About the white asshole line: it's not as left field as people think tbh There's a similar line in the first AW game from Alice (in the DLC, Wake's version of her since it's all in his head). She uses the term 'while male melodrama'. This is literally Wake's own mind so he knows a lot of stuff he put her through was from a perspective of a person who has a lot of advantages. Back to Saga, that line aligns with the racism we are hinted she dealt with in her field and STILL deals with in present day. Mulligan and Thornton are racist af (haven't seen anyone discuss this yet) to her even if they seem pleasant at the start of the game. Not entirely either, when Saga and Casey meet Mulligan he automatically assumed Casey is the lead agent. He apologizes about it but there's an air that neither him or Thorton take Saga seriously. They barely speak directly to her and instead more to Casey unless she directly speaks to either. It's that seemingly benign, passive racism that is more toxic sometimes, especially in a work environment. In her face they show some surface level, thinly veiled respect but behind her back they called her a 'stuck up FBI bitch'. Part of the horror story adds she let her daughter drown so they doubt her work entirely. And concerning the Bookers, there's this passive aggressive comment where Thorton says the case of the murder of Nightingale would've been solved if the FBI wasn't involved. Thorton says something like "they stick with their own". Now, this could be seen as city folk stick with their own but the Bookers are black, this was purposeful imo. I honestly liked how Remedy incorporated this in such a realistic way. Some could dispute this and say "that's circumstantial/reaching" but lets not forget both Mulligan and Thorton are literally the bastard law enforcement type that kills are the drop of a pin. They killed that woman while enthralled with this feeling of power (referencing the page about it) and threw her body in the well to hide it, blaming the death on each other at first before they decide it's neither of their faults and hide the evidence. They become taken being so twisted in their dark ways. They are bad guys, I'd argue misogynistic too. And lets add a layer of actual parallels to rl racism to the mix here now. If she dealt with that in Bright Falls on her first day I can only imagine the assholes she had to deal with climbing her way up in the FBI, in life in general. This is why her mother is a strong foundation, they are not only close because they loved each other but she made sure she'd be strong. Parents who have mixed kids (black kids especially) know what they will deal with. Maybe even a meta thing like Spiderverse, adding the backlash into the story. Which she did and still does get from gamerz (tm). People STILL bring up that "race swap" from the Quantum Break trailer which is honestly just early concept stuff. Saga is written so well and carefully that even her problems outside the pace of the story seems to have been considered. So while it does seem random and may make people uncomfortable it's purposeful. Remedy really captured this aspect with Saga without making it her personality or the core part of her (like she just there for black trauma, so glad they did not do that and made her a character with experiences). Let's not forget Saga's field of work. We know it's predominantly white. Her saying 'another white asshole' says more about her experiences than anything else. And being at her lowest where her insecurities, doubts, fears thrive it says something about her agency and how sometimes it can feel taken from her based on her skin tone, gender, so forth. Sorry for the long ask! It's just, this line definitely does not feel like it's random to me. I was just shocked I heard it but the game lays down the ground work for it to be said. It's as subtle as the worst kind of racism though imo

I'm VERY interested by imagined!Alice's line because while we don't know if she actually feels that way, we see Alan can acknowledge that he KNOWS how lucky he is by virtue of being a white man, it might not be something he thinks about daily, but he's admitting he's aware of it.

You're right in regards to what Saga deals with in her work environment and most likely her daily life. It sucked for me that Mulligan and Thorton ended up being racist, misogynistic assholes because they truly just seemed like the goofy, slightly dimwitted small-town cops. I think maybe because I haven't actually played the game yet (shame on me, I know! I just managed to get it last month and haven't had the time to dedicate to it like I want) that I kind of brushed Mulligan and Thorton's behavior towards Saga off until we learned their true nature.

But we see how they're more comfortable deferring to Casey over Saga, and we can even see that Casey is NOT the least bit pleased with it. Saga clearly picks up on it, and it's one of the reasons she chooses to leave them with Casey. She can handle the Bookers easier, because yes, they ARE black, she KNOWS they're going to open up to her far easier than if it had been Casey. Do we get reflections of their shared experiences? Not really, but the Bookers weren't going to trust the FBI regardless, Saga being a black woman lowered their defenses a little.

You can argue that she was better suited for talking to the witnesses because it's just her personality, Casey was dry and sarcastic from jump while Saga was the opposite. But did the Bookers know that? Absolutely not. They were less cautious with Saga, Ed especially. They weren't hiding anything to be malicious, they just wanted their own things to be successful.

Hearing Mulligan and Thorton's true thoughts about Saga really tore me up. Not even so much at the fact they felt that way, but because they didn't have the guts to say it to her face. You don't hear that venom directed towards Casey at all, even though he's the EXACT same stuck-up government agent who's worse to them than Saga.

But it's what black people tend to see when dealing with the police force. Condescending, impatient, better-than, bitter, power-hungry and drunk on their self-importance and position of authority. There's a REASON they were made Taken when the Koskela brothers couldn't, but that's really neither here nor there.

Seeing what she had to deal with in Bright Falls from two guys that were SUPPOSED to be on her side and help her is very telling and it made me even more interested in her backstory. How many people actually believed in her when she joined the FBI? Who dismissed her out of pocket simply because of the color of her skin and her gender? You can even get a hint of her past simply by her questioning Casey on why he wants her to be the lead on the case instead of jumping in straight away.

And that's to her PARTNER, a man she’s known and trusted for years, who clearly never had a problem with her being a black woman, or there's no way in hell they'd have the kind of relationship that they do.

Freya being such a strong influence for Saga was evident in her card to her daughter. She knew the struggles Saga was going to face by going after what she wanted to do and never discouraged her. I'll always be bummed over Freya lying to Saga about her being a Seer though. I know it was to try and protect her from even more shit she didn't deserve to go through over something she had no control over. But it almost felt like a vote of no-confidence. And there's no feeling in the world like thinking your mother might not believe in you.

I'm still VERY annoyed at ANYBODY bringing up the "Return" concept from Quantum Break JUST to say Saga was race-swaped when almost NOTHING from that teaser made it to the main game proper. Sam and the team took all of that and flipped it on its head. That was clear the second FBI Alex Casey stepped into the background instead of being in the lead.

I love the fact we don't get the "another white asshole telling me what to do" until the end of the game, and it's when Saga is at her lowest point, when the Dark Presence is trying to do its best to break her down. But like I tend to bring up, Alan says it can't create something out of nothing. Meaning those doubts and resentment were there for a LONG time, and it VERY easily could have been her entire personality.

The fact that it wasn't showed how much thought Remedy put into creating Saga and I appreciate it so much. She wasn't her trauma, she wasn't her anger, she was the exact OPPOSITE of that. She faced her problems with determination and PUNS! Even when shitty things were going on, her mind wandered to humor "More like "Underwatery" I'll have to tell Casey that one later." Speaks volumes about her character.

I think that's one of the reasons she fought SO hard against the horror story. OBVIOUSLY her main motivation was saving Logan, and then Casey. But she wasn't about to let her agency be taken from her like she's been fighting against it for years. She was the one that was going to be in control, she was going to tell this story, and Alan himself (some of that as him being the face of the Dark Presence for her) "no, fuck you. Another white asshole is NOT going to tell me how to live MY life. You're not using my doubts and fears against me to take my family from me"

And she did it, she did what the white man couldn't do on his own in 13 years. How am I NOT supposed to root for her? How could I NOT want to know more about her history? There's no way I can look at Saga Anderson and go, well her story is done, there's nothing else to be written for her. As I said, I do love FBI Casey, but he's practically a blank slate compared to Saga, I could live without him because, for me, outside of his personality (I'm also grumpy and sarcastic), I cannot relate to him.

Despite not being a wife and mother in the FBI, I CAN relate to Saga. I can understand her struggles and pain. I feel her love for her family, I can relate to her love and disappointment towards her mother. The struggle of being a black woman in a world that still caters to white men and the pushback she gets just from existing. I understand her in a way I never could with Alan Wake. I understood and related to his issues as a writer struggling with inspiration. But the thing with that is Alan didn't HAVE to struggle like that, he could have chosen, at any time, to stop being a writer and do something else.

Saga couldn't choose to change the color of her skin. Her challenges would be with her simply because of how she's perceived at first glance. She'll never have the advantages of Alan and Casey in that regard.

I'm sorry for the long answer! But I LOVED your ask, and that's why it took me a hot minute to answer it. I had to get my thoughts in order and give this the response I felt like it deserved. So thank you for letting me see your thoughts towards Saga! ❤️

[ultraericthered]

One Villainous Scene: Defeat From The Depths Of Victory

We all know Vegeta, right? Edgy, haughty, hot-tempered, trash-talky quintissential shonen manga/anime rival to the hero whose driven by his pride, his anger, and his burning desire to surpass the hero? The guy who worked his way up from Arc Villain to Lancer and secondary lead of the franchise, with sort of became a trend in Japanese media to follow? I assume that's the Vegeta we're all most familiar with.

I say all this because that is not who Vegeta was in his initial lifetime. It does make a sufficient deal of sense why he'd become that upon his revival, with his new lease of life shifting gears towards wanting to become a Super Saiyan for real and surpass Goku as the strongest Saiyan warrior alive so that his status as the Saiyan Prince could remain backed with justification and importance to him. But prior to this, back when we first met Vegeta, he wasn't quite the same person as we'd later come to know and love him as. The first time around, Vegeta was a more shrewd, cunning, caluclating, premeditating and deliberately precision-heavy character. He was an ideal foil for Goku since while Goku is known to either think on his feet or not do much thinking at all, Vegeta has a sharp mind and a sense of caution, and as such he can think deeply and many steps ahead of his enemies.

Upon touchdown on the planet Namek, Vegeta's every move was thought out to give himself the tactical advantage over the much more powerful, more dangerous, and more well equipped adversary he was putting himself up against, his own former mentor and boss, Freeza. Impressively, he kept himself ahead of the game this way, easily outmaneuvering and killing both Cui and Dodoria before claiming a single Dragon Ball from a Namekian village he slaughters, hiding it deep beneath the nearby lake. Even when he finally faces a hurdle that catches him off guard and bests him in the form of Zarbon, Vegeta is able to rebound stronger than before, taking all five Dragon Balls Freeza gathered on his mothership, then taking the Dragon Ball that Krillin had just been given by the Grand Elder, and getting his payback on Zarbon in the process. At this point, Vegeta just needed to retrieve the ball he hid in the lake and he'd be able to gather all seven together to make a wish. Eternal life would be his!

Which makes the stroke of fate that followed all the more cruelly ironic for him, as Goku's son Gohan managed to find that underwater Dragon Ball and take it away. On his way to the lake, Vegeta even ran into Gohan in a super tense, menacing encounter that could be a great Villaionus Scene all on its own, but Gohan managed to fool him by not only keeping his newly acquired Dragon Ball hidden, but not letting him know that the radar he was carrying in plain sight was what he'd used to find it. Vegeta realizes too late he's been had, and as you'd expect, he's not happy. In fact, he goes downright ballistic.

Keep in mind I started watching Dragon Ball Z as a kid for the first time during the Namek Saga; I'd not yet seen the saga where Vegeta was the Big Bad at the time I got to this episode. Once I had finally seen it, this moment hit me even harder because now I had context that the last time we ever saw Vegeta get this explosively furious to the point of a full-on meltdown was when Goku had overcome him and bruised him up so bad that he had to see the sight of his own blood for the first time in his life, and he responded by threatening to put enough power into a Galic Gun attack to blow up the Earth. It's funny that it later takes Freeza getting pissed off over Super Saiyan Goku overpowering him to lead to the destruction of Namek, but when you see Vegeta get this ferally enraged over how easily all of his near perfect scheming got derailed by the son of Kakarot, you almost fear he's gonna wipe the whole planet out in a blind rage tantrum! Oh, and that voice acting from Brian Drummond...I dare say it actually surpasses Ryo Horikawa's delivery of the scene. He just sounds completely unhinged in his screaming fury, with the echo in his voice making the moment extra chilling and so unforgettable.

Vegeta losing his shit with anger became a lot more common as the series went on, but back when he was at his prime as a collected and stratetically clever villain, seeing him snap was pure nightmare fuel. ....Provided it was in a scary way, not an unintentionally funny way.

[plotbnuy]

KarpReviews - Neon Genesis Evangelion (1995) and End of Evangelion

It took me a good while to really get into anime. Well, maybe that’s technically not true, as I grew up with the Pokemon and Yu-gi-oh anime series. That’s really where my exposure to the medium stopped for a long time, though. There was scattered influence, such as an ephemeral viewing of Spirited Away on Cartoon Network, and access to one of the Naruto fighting games. Ultimately, though, I hardly knew what anime was until high school. It was around this time that I would occasionally stay up late to watch Toonami on Saturdays. Toonami provided me with several of my first and favorite anime series, including Cowboy Bebop, Deadman Wonderland, and Soul Eater. One night, however, I found myself treated to something completely bizarre. 

I can’t say for sure exactly what I had watched, though my current knowledge suggests it was one of the Evangelion recap movies. These are abridged versions of the series that tell the story in a more condensed format, though it’s possible I just caught a few episodes of the regular series. The show itself was overwhelmingly confusing and bizarre, with concepts my teenage mind struggled to grasp, and characters that seemed strange and depressing. It certainly didn’t help that I was watching this show in the dead of night while sleep repeatedly attempted to pull me down. I was mesmerized regardless, and the images I saw never left my mind. 

It wasn’t until now that I decided to finally watch the series in its entirety. I was excited to figure out exactly what I’d seen, why the robots in the show looked the way they did, why the “monsters” had such abstract and strange designs. Most importantly, I wanted to experience one of the major pieces of Japanese animation that had influenced so much of popular media. Thankfully, Neon Genesis Evangelion did not disappoint. 

To briefly summarize for those who still haven’t seen the show, the main premise is that, for one reason or another, Earth has become assaulted by powerful beings known as Angels - strange monsters that threaten humanity with their otherworldly power. An organization called NERV, led by Commander Gendo Ikari, plans to protect humanity and destroy the Angels with mysterious and strange humanoid mecha named “EVAs.” They can only be piloted by particular children, one of whom is the main character and Gendo’s son, Shinji. The Angels themselves, as well as their lore, hearken to Christianity, though in the same way that American media loosely uses Greek mythology. While the premise of the show seems to match that of other mecha, such as Gundam or Macross Saga, Evangelion is more about it’s heavy, layered theming as opposed to mecha and kaiju battles. Evangelion’s storytelling is rich and layered, yet I never found it to be overwhelming or poorly paced. Even though it’s dark tone is prevalent throughout, the battles between EVAs and Angels are still exciting and enjoyable on their own, each encounter building the stakes higher and higher, until it almost feels that everything will suddenly explode. Almost. 

Visually, I think Evangelion holds up phenomenally. The animation style is instantly recognizable while still carrying the same charm that many 90′s anime have. Characters are expressive and animated when they need to be, and backdrops are detailed and colorful. I was blown away especially during the show’s numerous fight scenes. Unlike the bulky mechs featured in most media at the time, the EVAs are nimble and powerful, often performing acrobatic feats or creating stunning displays of destruction. I was absolutely captivated by the designs of the EVA’s and Angels, just like I was in high school. The EVA’s are both incredible and sinister, immediately intriguing just from their design alone. Just looking at one makes you want to know more about them. The character designs are simple but still memorable, which matches their personalities well. What I love most about the visuals of this show, however, isn’t the fluid action or expressive characters, but the implementation of long shots and surreal visuals. Several times throughout the series, the show will linger on a single frame for an extended period of time. There’s no dialogue in these segments, just ambient noise or background music. These moments are some of the most engrossing, trapping the viewer in a single uncomfortable moment, such as the gruesome aftermath of an Angel attack, or a long elevator ride following an argument between Asuka and Rei.

Speaking of, the characters in this show are truly fascinating. Nearly every character is layered and interesting, and each one has their own ways in which they deal with the pressure and terrors of the world around them. I was surprised with how much I ended up liking Shinji (during the main series that is, but we’ll get to that) whose awkward and conflicted personality can be easily polarizing to viewers. I thought Asuka was a nice foil for Shinji, and an entertaining character on her own. She is a bit rough around the edges, and her loud and often self-centered personality can be grating at times, but ultimately her presence is a positive one, and I feel she inadvertently pulls other characters out of their shells. Rei, the third part of our pilot trio, is quiet and mysterious, and she adds to a lot of the show’s intrigue. My favorite character is easily Misato. On top of keeping the younger character’s intense personalities in check, her own story is one that the show graciously gives a lot of attention to. Watching her start to work through her demons was thoroughly compelling to me, and I felt that even through her faults she always tries to be mindful of the people around her. Ryoji was another character that I was a bit worried about after his introduction, but thankfully he had much more going for him than his flirty, aloof attitude. The one person that I never got totally sold on, though, is Gendo Ikari. While he’s certainly integral to the plot, his character was too nuanced for my liking, and it dampened his impact on the story. He’s also one of the characters who I can confidently say isn’t a good person, making his presence even more distasteful. Important for sure, but generally unpleasant. 

Perhaps the most memorable piece of this show is it’s music. Truly, every single track within this anime screams “iconic.” The catchy drumming of “Decisive Battle” constantly plays within my head, a track that helped every Angel encounter feel like an elaborate chess game. “Angel Attack” has a memorable, intense melody that felt appropriate for the show’s surreal and powerful monsters. Of course, nothing needs to be said about one of the most iconic anime openings ever, “Cruel Angel’s Thesis.” By far my favorite, though, has to go to “Komm, süsser Tod.” Playing during the finale of End of Evangelion, this hauntingly beautiful song fits the show perfectly, from it’s use of choir-like vocals to the chaotic mess of strings towards the end. Every song in the show’s OST is wonderful, and I often listen to various tracks while I’m working. Even if you don’t want to watch the show, I strongly urge you to check out the soundtrack anyway. 

Deep within these varied, elaborate pieces, behind the catchy music and incredible action set pieces, Neon Genesis Evangelion is a show about depression. Each character struggles with this in a different way: Shinji keeps his distance from those around him, despite needing more than anything to connect to another human being. Asuka searches for validation from the people around her, becoming angry when anyone takes attention away from her, afraid that she’ll be ignored or forgotten. Rei struggles in general to feel like a real person, to become more than her birthright and her purpose. Misato tries to drown herself in her work and in alcohol, keeping herself in denial while she tries to distance herself from her past. In some ways, the EVAs represent the responsibilities of everyday life, highlighted by Shinji’s struggle to fully commit to his obligation of protecting mankind. The characters in this show are broken, messy husks, and for almost the entire show these struggles seem impossible to overcome. These themes and motifs become especially true starting with episode 16, where the show begins to slow down and focus on its characters as the final Angel threat is thwarted. Ultimately, however, the message of the original series is a hopeful one, sending the viewer off with the message that only when you’re able to help yourself can you finally start to truly connect with and help others. It’s a poignant message and one that I think the show earns by weaving it’s theme of depression throughout the entire show, not just focusing on it near the end. 

The end, however, is where Evangelion becomes a truly fascinating piece of media. Part of what makes this true is that, actually, Neon Genesis Evangelion has two endings: the final two episodes of the show, and the movie appropriately titled End of Evangelion. The series has separate endings for a couple of reasons, actually. While I won’t explain it in depth here, the summarized version is that the latter episodes of Evangelion, starting with episode 16, are subjected to a bit of a paradigm shift following production issues and budget cuts. These later episodes are where the various characters’ faults take the forefront of the narrative, and the action scenes become scarce. The final two episodes take on an especially bizarre nature, analyzing the characters within the context of the show, using abstract visualization and disjointed dialogue to do so. Personally, I’ve grown to appreciate this ending. As I mentioned before, while the focus does change towards the end, I still believe the show was always more about the heavy themes than it was about the robot fights. Many, however, do not share my opinion. When the finale originally aired, many viewers were incredibly unhappy. Unreasonably so, as thousands sent angry letters and death threats to the studio, griefing the creator for his vision. They called for a different ending, one with a more satisfying conclusion, with more action and a clearer sendoff for Shinji and the other characters. 

Needless to say, creator Hideaki Anno obliged them. 

Releasing in 1997, End of Evangelion is perhaps the most spiteful piece of artistry ever conceived. While the original series ended with a message of hope, this film turns the series on its head and creates a narrative that simply reeks of despair. Junko Enoshima  could only dream of creating something so explicitly hopeless. While Shinji takes his first steps towards healing in the original ending, this film features a Shinji who has completely and utterly given up. He’s succumbed to his base desires, numb to the world around him in a way that’s turned him into a monster. His thoughts and actions are violent and abusive, he becomes completely deaf to the needs of those around him, and in a few short minutes of this film, he becomes almost completely irredeemable. He knows he’s become a despicable shell of a human being, but he almost seems to revel in that fact. This version of Shinji is utterly useless, and his actions - or rather inaction - causes the complete destruction of everyone he loves. This film is depressing, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s absolutely unconscionable...

And I loved it. 

In context, it’s hard not to imagine that End of Evangelion is a deliberate slap in the face to the fans who so ruthlessly tore apart the original ending of the show. It completely reverses the progress that was made in the original series, opting to create an ending that is more intense and action-packed, but at the price of turning Shinji, the audience surrogate, into a complete bastard. Watching the film for the first time is almost infuriating, especially as Shinji repeatedly destroys everything in his wake through his own self-loathing. Yet, after letting the film sit in my mind for a while, I found it to be a truly unique piece of art. It’s hard to stomach, and I don’t think I can recommend it, especially on its own, but End of Evangelion is a truly fascinating film. 

As a whole, I’m extremely happy I decided to go back in time to watch this old classic. I believe it holds up incredibly well overall, and it has so much to say in just 26 episodes. Watching it reminded me a lot of Samurai Jack and Cowboy Bebop, especially with its use of masterful long takes and thick atmosphere. If you haven’t given this anime a shot, I strongly recommend checking it out on Netflix or wherever you can get your hands on it. It may not be for everyone, but for this kaiju-loving gal, it exceeded every expectation. 

[inspector-montoya-fox]

#13 - Menace from the North, eh!

Setting part 1: i mean......... whatever, right? at this point, India got 2 levels and Prague got 2 levels so i’m like ok, let’s get this over with. and i genuinely believe this and Anatomy for Disaster are the game’s two weakest episodes, despite the great conclusion. look, SP... they fucking delivered. they served absolute excellence with episodes 2-4, but it’s getting redundant and Menace from the North, eh! is just Menace from the North, meh? (please forgive me Lord). the game takes a weird environmentalist turn, which i fully appreciate but am ultimately confused by, seeing as He Who Tames The Iron Horse had absolutely nothing to do with Jean Bison’s pollution aspect. it feels weird to return to a Canadian outing after the gang had such a successful run in the previous episode, which felt like a conclusion even with the absence of a bossfight. like, SP could have easily inserted a Bison bossfight at the end of He Who Tames The Iron Horse in order to add another Klaww Gang member for an extra episode or maybe replace Menace from the North, eh! with the lost Monaco episode. it sounds like i’m bitching a lot, and i actually am. what really takes me aback every single time i play this game is that after you complete the Rajan/Contessa saga, it all becomes so anticlimactic. and i can’t comprehend why. by the end of this episode, the stakes are so high but the drive just isn’t there. and it’s not because the gang is demotivated. Sly has been having so much fun throughout the game, even with Neyla’s backstab being a huge obstacle. so getting down, dirty and serious is a much needed mood change. but i feel like i speak for all of us when i say that episodes 5-7 are overshadowed by episodes 2-4. with a few alterations to the order of the episodes and some changes to the script, i really think we could have had an awesome Contessa vs Clock-La final showdown episode and have Bison come right after Dimitri. because, honestly, Canada feels like ‘second episode’ material.

Setting part 2: i’m splitting it up because i don’t want my rant above to spoil the actual writing. the gang sticks around for another Canadian caper after some kooky stuff goes down with the environment and, mainly, the Northern Lights, which as we’ll soon find out, play a rather unexpectedly significant role in the grand scheme of things. and we’re treated to a log-chopping area, an off-the-maps secretive camp which really ups the ante, because Jean Bison is being such a jerk to nature. we’ve got deforestation, we’ve got melting ice, exploitation of wild animals, and Bison getting a raging red boner by literally destroying the environment in order to flex in the Lumberjack Games..... both the player and the gang have had enough of this dude, and i think SP used the fact that his only traits are being an angry idiot and a bigot to their advantage. instead of providing the necessary character development as they did with the Contessa and Rajan, Bison and his actions (especially his communication with the mYsTeRiOuS Arpeggio) are used as a prelude to Anatomy for Disaster. there’s not really a lot of dialogue apart from the final mission and bossfight, because the overall Klaww Gang plot begins to unravel, and particularly so by the time we find out about the lighthouse and its technological contents. in fact, if you think about it, Anatomy for Disaster starts with Clock-La’s shitshow and an info-dump at the beginning, which, if you’ve been paying enough attention to the details (i know that until i turned 12 and replayed the game as a young teen i hadn’t been paying attention to shit so it was all gasp!), is just the connecting of the dots. Menace from the North, eh! is essentially the last piece of the puzzle, before it’s all given to us in full detail by Arpeggio. i mean, apart from Dimitri serving dishes with drugs in them (i still can’t get over that at the age of 21), the rest is all things the player could pick up. and that’s this episode’s main focus. trying to prevent the inevitable under countdown, before Arpeggio’s blimp arrives to collect the Northern Lights energy. so it feels very anticlimactic and strange to put in all this effort without purpose. if you’ve played it before, you know it’s all for nothing since all the parts will be gone by the end of the episode. and it’s even more anticlimactic (although hilarious in tonal shift) to see how the gang scrambles under the pressure of preventing the Klaww Gang’s doomsday by hacking boats and having all these grandiose plans involving the lighthouse, just to then resort to taking part in the Lumberjack Games, without even a clever scheme but actually just cheating, and finally have Bison, an idiot, foil their plans by finding out where they’ve been hiding. and the bossfight is fine, but again, meh... i mean, woohoo Bentley! or whatever the fuck.

Characters: let’s talk about Jean Bison and his mistreatment as a character. we first meet him at Rajan’s ball, where Bentley introduces him as a Canadian shipping baron and says that he owns half the trains in Canada. later on, during the introductory cutscene for He Who Tames The Iron Horse, we get his backstory and how he’s risen from being practically dead, frozen since his time, and back with a vengeance against the environment. in my previous #episodeproject entry i said: SP plays up Bison’s savagery and gruesome nature by spotlighting how his plans affect the environment and even going so far as to call his house ‘the lair of the beast’. this is all true but is never put into practice. like, Jean Bison is all tell and no show, y’know? even the cutscene that plays when Sly gets caught in Bison’s cabin during He Who Tames The Iron Horse’s first mission shows Bison getting angry, but hunty, that’s about it. apart from the Lumberjack Games and his bossfight, it’s all oh Bison will get angry and oh Bison will kill us with the talons. well, where is it? where’s the fucking Canadian shipping baron with a vengeance against the environment? my baby heart was legit quivering when we had to steal Rajan’s blueprints as Bentley, and the Contessa was such a grand sleazebag of a woman, like what a douchebag - and you see that, although i’m often flamboyant in my writing (!!!), the way i describe these moments with these villains is both effective and relatable, because they showed up and lived up to their descriptions. Bison was written to be a ferocious beast of a villain but never showed that. and that’s on SP. whatever... let’s talk about the gang. now, despite the gang looking seriously badass in the opening cutscene for this episode (image below), they’re actually in a pretty good headspace. they’re only missing the talons and whatever Clockwerk parts Arpeggio had before collecting all of them. so it’s only natural for them to feel a bit cocky, and that’s actually gonna be their demise. before that, i just wanna mention that almost all the missions here (as with He Who Tames The Iron Horse) are group missions: Sly and Murray infiltrate the moose club in RC Combat Club, all three of them work together in Lighthouse Break-In, Boat Hack, and Old Grizzle Face. what really stood out to me every time i played this episode, is how, at the end when they take down Bison and they rush to the battery, each member has a different way of entering it, which is a small detail but important nonetheless. this further reinforces how united the gang has become since the Contessa levels and how their bond has strengthened. now, lemme circle back to how they’re cocky. i mean, apart from Jean Bison, Menace from the North, eh! doesn’t present any immediate danger or like trouble, seeing as both Neyla and Carmelita are absent. without any interference, the gang had lots of breathing space to plan ahead, even under countdown before Arpeggio’s blimp arrived. and they kinda wasted the opportunity because, as i’ve already mentioned, the operation was an absolute train-wreck. there’s no plan b, or like something clever or whatever. and usually, the operations tend to get disrupted by third parties, such as Carmelita or Neyla, but here, it failed because it was never smart. and it’s only natural for them to fall hard (by losing all the Clockwerk parts) after feeling all cocky (maybe i’m being too harsh). and all this directly leads to some more Bentley character development.... again. look, i’m all for character development, but the turtle already faced his demons when he busted Sly and Murray out of jail. i know we got Murray vs Rajan, but i don’t know, Murray was always kinda just there throughout the game. the hippo had his ups and downs (face-off with Rajan, imprisonment, losing the van), but not a fully realised story arc. that’s why, when Sly 3 starts off with his enlightenment and return, that story arc is instantly so iconic. i could go on about how Bentley gains self-confidence after defeating Bison, but um, we’ve already done that sis.

Themes: He Who Tames The Iron Horse and Menace from the North, eh! should have been one episode and i truly believe that. they could have shared the same themes. for the former, i said there’s the speed theme, and that applies here too because the gang are under pressure. the countdown lights a fire under their asses and it’s all very destructive. again, there’s an antithesis between the calm Canadian atmosphere and the chaotic energy of the missions. but it’s not just speed theme anymore, it’s more like theme of ferocity. everyone’s kinda on edge??? Old Grizzle Face is a motherfucker and we get up close and personal with the eagles, lasers destroy huge ice pieces, there’s a mammoth, the destroyed oil manes create fiery air drafts... chaos. and it all results in the disastrous events and outcome of the Lumberjack Games, which make Menace from the North, eh! the straightest episode in the game. yuck. it only makes sense for the missions to become less sneaky and more destructive as the stakes get higher and the gang is in a hurry, and that kinda embodies the pollution motif/ environment motif. it’s less of a theme and more of a motif because it’s so story-centric, but that’s the other things the comes into contrast with the calm environment. saws, the buzzing, chopped-up logs flowing down the river, tree stumps spread across: these embody the pollution and the harm Jean Bison has been doing even though it’s a forced storyline in my opinion. and finally, size theme. it’s not major, but it feels like everything’s bigger in Canada... Sly feels so puny in this episode, like especially when climbing the lighthouse. the wild animals are huge, the structures are huge, Jean Bison’s house is huge. it’s just lots and lots of nothingness. if you took absolutely nothing and enlarged it by 10 times, you’d have this episode’s hub. and this is also seen in the bossfight when tiny Bentley takes on Jean Bison. so yea.

What I Like: gliding off the lighthouse and throwing fish onto already stinky guards before Old Grizzle Face rips them to shreds. also, those cute lil catfish-lookin viruses in Bentley’s hacking! they’re so adorable.

What I Don’t Like: erm... it’s not that i don’t like this episode, but i find it kinda boring? apart from interacting with the wild animals, the missions are meh. and i hate the Lumberjack Games...

Quote: Get too close and old Grizzle Face will be eating barbecued raccoon for dinner.

[ahgaseda]

the hot tea || chapter 03

⇥ synopsis : your best friend, Jackson, never fails to argue against your apathy toward love and romance, but his plan to confess his true feelings toward you is rudely interrupted when you start a blog chronicling your past relationships...

⇥ warnings : this story in its entirety includes but is not limited to strong language and dialogue, recurring alcohol or drug use, and explicit sexual content, and is intended for an adult audience only!

It was a cold and dark winter’s night when I decided that love doesn’t exist. Not just the concept of love either. I was convinced that sustainable, healthy relationships were a myth conjured by Disney movies and condom commercials.

I hadn’t come to this decision lightly. In fact, I tried to argue against my own rationale, but when I sat down in the middle of the night and evaluated my choices where romance was concerned, I realized I was the problem. I was incapable of building a life with someone.

Naturally, since sleep was a long gone option, I did some research and I came across an interesting theory. In 1985, psychologist Robert J. Sternberg hypothesized that there are, in fact, seven types of love which he categorized into the Triangular Theory of Love. According to him, there are three key aspects in a relationship and depending on which ones you do or don’t have, defines the type of love experienced in said relationship.

Okay, that was a mouthful. Don’t worry, I will break it down. I’m only mentioning this theory, because it will influence the narrative later on.

It seems I have been lucky - or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it - enough to have experienced all seven types of love over the course of the ten years of frolicking I did before finally swearing off dating. I’ve loved and lost. I’ve almost walked down an aisle. I’ve been taught many lessons by pain and pleasure.

To be honest, I don’t know what I hope to achieve with this saga of my attempts to find a happily ever after. I’m assuming this will be a cathartic process for me. Maybe I can move on and accept my fate as a lonely girl with a string of lovers in her wake. Or perhaps I can convince myself that I’m wrong and happiness is still waiting out there...

You were tempted to smash your face on the keyboard and delete everything. Who in the hell thought this was a good idea? “This intro blows,” you groaned loudly.

“Hey,” Jackson called, sitting across from you at the small table and pushing a cup of tea your way.

“Hey back,” you replied with a smile, taking the drink eagerly. “Thank you.”

He tilted his head. “Ready to post?”

“I think so,” you told him, chuckling with nerves and hiding your obvious hatred for your opening monologue. “Once I do, it’s out on the internet forever.”

“You’re not using any real names, though,” Jackson reminded with a noncommittal shrug. “Nothing to worry about it.”

You sighed, “I know.”

Jackson pretended to peer over your screen, but you didn’t flinch. With a raised eyebrow, he teased, “I’m included in this fuckery, right?”

You droned, “Considering we’ve been having sex for the past year, yes.”

Jackson snorted.

Lifting your eyes from the laptop, you asked quietly, “Did you tell him we’re sleeping together?”

Jackson gave you a look that the mere thought terrified him to the core. Of the few occasions he had been in physical fights with his best friend, he had lost every single one of them. Jackson chalked that up to him being a lover and not a fighter, generally to soothe his battered dignity.

With a nervous smile, he explained, “I told him that I’m sleeping with someone, but I didn’t drop any names.”

You already assumed that, because you had never received an angry phone call from your ex suggesting otherwise. “Good, because that’s a conversation I never wanna have.”

“You and me both.”

The two of you drank your tea in unison, an air of silence falling over the room. After a pregnant pause, you studied Jackson and asked, “Are you going to read it?”

“I want to,” he answered without hesitation. “But that’s up to you.”

Letting your head rest on your hand, you pressed, “May I ask why?”

Jackson said nothing and you knew he was deciding what to say. He was the type to answer right off the cuff; honest to a fault. When he couldn’t come up with a decent lie, Jackson finally said, “Maybe I like a little insight.”

“You wanna know why I am the way I am,” you replied, not surprised.

He sipped his tea. “More or less.”

“And you think reading a rundown on my exes will explain everything?”

“It’s supposed to be cathartic for you, right?” Jackson barked, trying to shift the focus off of himself. “For others, it will be entertainment. I hope you know that.”

His harshness was out of character and unwarranted, but you took it in stride as best you could, knowing the last thing he intended to do was hurt your feelings. With a nod, you murmured, “I do.”

Jackson shook his head, noticing your voice had softened, and scrambled for words, “I only meant to say...”

“Hello, my beautiful ride or die bitch,” Krystal greeted as she marched inside the shop. When her eyes fell on Jackson, she frowned and grumbled, “You’re still here?”

“I own the building,” Jackson reminded flatly.

After hugging your best friend, you chided, “Krystal, he’s literally the nicest person I know and you manage to get a rise out of him.”

Krystal cut her eyes at Jackson and hissed like a viper, “He irritates me.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Jackson returned, his tone a borderline growl.

You chortled. At this point, you were accustomed to their general disdain for each other.

Krystal landed her attention on your laptop and chirped excitedly, “Ooh, are you posting yet? Can I read it?”

“It’s just an intro,” you told her, again stifling the urge to reveal how much you loathed it. “I won’t get to the meaty bits until later.”

“Speaking of meat, I think you should get some, Krystal,” Jackson spoke up, feigning concern. “There’s that new dildo shop around the corner.”

With a scowl, Krystal retorted, “Is that where you bought the one currently shoved up your ass?”

“Disappointed but not surprised,” you hummed, throwing up your hands. “Can you two ever get along?”

“No,” said Jackson and Krystal simultaneously.

Waving her forward, you crooned, “Krys, as the one who gave me the idea, you should come read the first post.”

Narrowing her eyes at Jackson, she sashayed to your side. “I will do that.”

Jackson pointed and muttered under his breath, “Yeah, you’re the one encouraging this.”

“Since I’ve been with her through all of said relationships, I know first-hand how novel-worthy they are. Now, shoo.”

Jackson took your empty cup, you thanked him, and he disappeared into the back momentarily. A hand sharply swatted your arm.

You shrieked, “Ow, what was that for?”

Krystal was scathing in reproach, “You’re supposed to defend me. I’m your best friend. I don’t care how big his dick is.”

“Girl, last night…,” you started, holding up your hands to demonstrate the size you were dealing with.

Krystal made a swift array of screeching sounds, yelling, “I don’t want to hear it!”

“You know there’s gonna be a lot of sex on this blog, right?”

“I’m prepared for that and very much looking forward to it, obviously. It’s just…,” she trailed, glancing up as she frowned. “Jackson is too nice.”

You gawked at such a pitiful excuse. “What’s wrong with that?”

She folded her arms and leaned back in the chair, musing, “I don’t trust someone who doesn’t have a dark side.”

You mirrored her posture and countered, “Maybe his Mama raised him right.”

“He’s still a man,” she deadpanned.

Jackson returned from the kitchen and announced, “I’m back. You can stop talking about me now.”

Krystal rolled her eyes.

Retaking his seat, Jackson rounded on your friend and said, “I do have a dark side, you know.”

“Is that so?” she asked without missing a beat.

“Yeah, one time when I felt particularly snarky, I microwaved a pop tart inside of its package.”

You snickered, amazed that such a kind-hearted and mischievous boy could turn into such a ruthless animal in the bedroom.

Krystal asked, “And how did that work out for you?”

Shamelessly, Jackson replied, “It exploded.”

“That’s why it says ‘don’t microwave inside the foil,’ dumbass,” your best friend howled.

Jackson leaned against your side and nudged you with his arm, declaring, “No one tells me what to do.”

Giggling slightly, you reached over and tickled his waist.

After a grimace at the affection, Krystal promptly finished reading your entry and said, “Short and sweet, I like it.”

You smarted, “This may come as a shock, but I hate it.”

Krystal seemed genuinely surprised at your admission. “Why? It’s perfect. A little humor, some psychology, and a hint of what’s to come.”

“It’s awkward,” you began.

Jackson chimed in playfully, “You’re awkward.”

“That’s not what you said last night,” you quipped under your breath.

“Ew, stop,” Krystal exclaimed, holding up her hand. “What if you try a different format? Like… diary or journal entries?”

“Sure, I can see it now.” Jackson continued dramatically, as if narrating a book, “Dear diary, I sucked my first dick today.”

There was no fluctuation or amusement in her voice when Krystal said, “Very funny.”

“Dear Diary, I will now be embarking on a journey of self-discovery and bullshit,” you spoke, whimsical but wholly sarcastic. “On this blog I will attempt to regale my audience of two with the emotional - and sexual - highs and lows of my past relationships.”

“And at some point along the way learn to love myself a little more,” Krystal prosed, smiling as she pushed the computer toward you.

Jackson rubbed your shoulder encouragingly, offering his signature smirk.

Sinking your teeth into your bottom lip, you clicked the button to publish your first post and quickly closed the laptop. “Alright, no turning back now,” you said, content to be distracted by the company and support of your best friends for the rest of the evening.

Tomorrow you would write about your first love.

chapter 02 ⇤ chapter 03 ⇥ chapter 04

- Katya

{ do not copy or re-post without my permission }

[tyrantisterror]

THE ATOM Create A Kaiju Contest Masterpost

It’s done!  After nearly two months, the ATOM Create a Kaiju Contest has finally come to a close!  Now it’s time for the part of the contest that actually requires significant effort on my part: picking winners and giving out prizes.  This will be an incredibly difficult task because they’re all so fucking good.  You guys submitted dozens of original monsters to me, creating a bizarre and wonderful menagerie.  I wish they could ALL be winners, but I don’t have time to make 79(!!!) different kaiju files in a timely manner, so we’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit.

Of course, if you remember the rules of the contest, you know that every entry gets a prize by default: a sketch of each kaiju by me, with a few sentences or so of commentary as well.  So here, below the cut, are the 79 (!!!) different monsters made for the world of ATOM by viewers like you!

Two special notes before we begin:

First, for the written entries: I tried to interpret everything as faithfully as I could.  All the descriptions were wonderfully detailed, but as we all know, two people can read the same description and get two entirely different images in their head.  There are more than a few written entries where I wasn’t 100% certain my interpretation was correct - like, where I realized it could mean something very different than what I thought it meant.  So apologies if I got your vision a teensy bit wrong - I am a fallible man.

Second, for the illustrated entries: while I mostly tried to preserve your designs as they were presented, every now and then I threw out modifications - whether it was about translating between one artistic style or another, or because the concept you pitched for your monster reminded me of some things I have planned in my little fictional and haven’t thought of yet.  In short, any changes made were to make your monsters fit in the ATOM universe just a little better.  Again, apologies - I am a fallible man.

@raffleupagus‘s entries:

Engineered by a mad scientist to kill other kaiju with its single, enormous leg, Pogo Tomiyama is one of the weirdest concepts this contest threw out, and as you’ll soon see, that is saying something!  Mixing a giant bug with one of the most iconic toys of the 1950′s is such a strange idea, but also totally in line with the aesthetic of ATOM - it’s all about that atom age nostalgia.

Pogo’s nemesis, the heroic Kaerugon, isn’t quite as bizarre, but the fact that a big toad with an even more preposterously long tongue is the “hero” of this tale is still pretty excellent (and fitting, given Pogo’s status as a great big gnat).  Kareugon also reminds me, intentionally or not, of the heroic toad from The Magic Serpent, an obscure and weird little fantasy movie from Japan that ends in a pretty decent low budget kaiju battle, so props there.

@bugcthulhu‘s Entries:

Bloated and slimy, Bocagran is a prehistoric amphibian that floats because of his gassy innards.  He’s got a nice Rat Fink vibe to him, mixing creepy, pathetic, and cute vibes in a way I absolutely love.  His creator mentioned The Giant Claw as an inspiration, and despite one being a giant salamander and the other being a vulture, I can see it - both manage to blend “goofy” and “creepy” together into one lovable package.

A perfect companion to the Writhing Flesh and Pathogen, Dreg plays with the idea of nuclear strikes making kaiju more monstrous in an entirely new way.  Having been hit by a nuclear bomb while still in his mother’s womb (well, technically still in the egg that was still in his mother but whateves), Dreg’s kaiju physiology is dangerously and uniquely unstable.  He shifts between a pathetic fetal form and a mangy but dangerous fighting form depending on how well fed he is - which means he constantly has to devour flesh to maintain any semblance of power and security as a monster.  Monstrous in appearance and deed, but not necessarily by nature, Dreg is as pitable as he is terrifying.

@takingturnsatrandom‘s Entries:

An enormous echinoderm even by kaiju standards (it towers over Tyrantis by 50 feet!), Blasteroid gets around in an ingenious way that would make Godzilla and Gamera proud: it flies via a pressurized jet of water!  It’s one of the cooler kaiju powers I’ve ever heard of, and it’s made even cooler by the fact that Blasteroid is unambiguously heroic - continuing the ATOM tradition of non-humanoid monster being sympathetic despite their inhuman appearance.

Looking much like a modern day chupacabra sighting, Sibuan is the second (and far from the last) mangy monster in our list.  As you may know, I’m slightly afraid of/repulsed by dogs, so I kinda love that the first canine monster entered into the contest is so scuzzy.  Sibuan is definitely a tragic monster, though still a fearsome one with her toothy jaws and bristle-y fur.

Hammerbeak gives me a specific sort of Ultraman monster vibe - like, you can see the base animal (cassowary) in the design, but it goes down a lot of strange paths before it finishes its journey from beast to monster.  The long tail tipped with a thagomizer is a particularly fun touch - it’s not often you see a bird monster take after an ankylosaur.

I tried my best not to make Vermamand’s moth look inappropriate, but Planarians work the way they work, you know?  Since Planarians literally look like cheap, googly eyed monster toys, using one as a basis for an ATOM-verse monster is pretty ingenious - this fella would fit in well alongside Karamtor and Googora.  The ribbon-like body also gives this worm a very distinct visual presence.

There are a lot of ways you could make an arboreal creature like a chameleon into a kaiju, but making their tree-climbing adaptations suited for an aquatic lifestyle has to be one of the nuttier ones.  Turning those clasping oven mitts into flippers is such a weird idea, but it works so well!

@cerothenull‘s Entries:

A flying retrosaur that traded speed in flight for the ability to swim as well (and thus becoming triphibian), Aiguan ended up looking like the lovechild of Gamera and Gyaos.  I’m not sure if that was intentional or just a lucky accident of how I read the description, but its a point in her favor regardless.  I love how this takes retrosaurs - a fairly well explored monster type in ATOM - in an entirely different direction than we’ve seen in the canon monsters.

Osteogre is a strange blend of retrosaur, placoderm, and just a little bit of Creature of the Black Lagoon - ok, maybe more than a little in my rendering, but it couldn’t be helped.  As soon as you say “humanoid fish” my brain goes pretty hard on the Gill Man imagery.  I like that Osteogre’s chimeric build is left as a mystery - how did such different creatures get crossed together?  The world may never know.

Centipedes are generally considered pretty ominous animals, so of course an ATOM-verse centipede monster would be a giant sweet heart.  Scutlgor’s description had just enough specific details to set her apart from normal centipedes, allowing her to fit in with the other arthropod monsters in ATOM just fine.  I also like that personality-wise she’s basically the experienced nanny to Bobo’s teenaged babysitter - those two would get along really welly.

One of the missed opportunities of ATOM was the inclusion of one Japanese mythology inspired monster in the Japan arc - a King Shisa/Manda equivalent, basically.  I tried a couple of designs (both Kappa and Baku inspired kaiju were considered), but nothing gelled.  So it’s kind of awesome to see a monster filling that niche pop up here in the contest, and the idea of blending an Oni’s features with a sasquatch’s is pretty inspired.  Onigoro’s face was particularly fun to figure out - and yes, I worked just a little bit of Aku in there.

Cerothenull’s final entry also hits upon another monster I briefly considered but dropped from ATOM’s final lineup: the Jersey Devil.  The Frankenstein-style origin for Ublen is pretty inspired, and the manic personality caused by his hybrid brain would make for some pretty awesome and scary scenes of kaiju havoc.  He also maintains the idea that the scariest monsters in ATOM are also generally pitiable, which is important to me.

@skarmorysilver‘s Entries:

ATOM has been on the internet for over a decade now, albeit under different titles (from “Tyrantis’s Saga” to “The Second Age of Monsters” and on and on), and many kaiju have been added and cut from the story in that long stretch of time.  Skarmorysilver chose to take a couple concepts that had been dropped and rework them a bit, and one of the monsters he rescued was this lovely blue sabre tooth cat.  I’m surprised there aren’t more sabre tooth cat monsters, honestly - it’s such an iconic prehistoric predator, which you think would make it excellent kaiju fodder.  Julkath here is a solid take on the concept, mixing in bits of snow leopard and a hulking, almost bear-like physique as well as a lovably grumpy disposition.

ATOM shares a universe with a few other stories that belong to somewhat different genres, and has made a few winking references to them throughout its 50 canon kaiju files.  So it was to be expected that at least a few monsters entered in this contest would continue that idea.  Bamutan here, while considered just a weird long fish in ATOM’s modern (well, 1950′s) world, is actually a leviathan, i.e. a big sea serpent that survived the purge of magic in the world (it’s a whole thing, don’t worry about it).  Bamutan is specifically descended from the Jasconius breed of leviathans, and thus has a friendly disposition - which makes her sort of the “good” counterpart of Old Meg as far as ATOM’s sea monsters go.

Another monster saved from the scrapheap, Oz is reinvented here as a prehistoric flying marsupial - one with a whole litter of babies (not pictured here) at that!  We got a lot of weird Australian kaiju from this contest, and Oz makes for a Aussie good counterpart/foil for Ahuul.  Plus she adds another weird monster to the “prehistoric mammal” roster, which is always welcome.

While kaiju are defined as organic beings in ATOM, a lot of entrants tried to push the limits of that definition as much as possible, and Gnashphalt here is a pretty successful example of how far it could stretch.  A rotting heap of tar and garbage animated by kaiju-fied bacteria, Gnashphalt is a grisly looking monstrosity driven by an insatiable hunger for both oil and the Yamaneon that powers its fellow kaiju.  It is suitably revolting for a Hedorah/Blob expy, an archetype that ATOM doesn’t quite fill on its own.

@dinosaurana‘s Entries:

Karamtor used to have a lot of fellow Venusian monsters to keep her company, but their designs were a little redundant.  Barusstrakk avoids that pitfall by being really fuckin’ weird looking, with a body described as looking like a meteor and tons of “craters” that hide little secret tentacles.  Its most obvious physical trait, though are its hammer and sickle arms, which give it a sort of USSR vibe.  This is particularly appropriate given Barusstrakk’s chief opponent is:

Yeah that’s a rock-robot made out of Mt. Rushmore.  While not quite a kaiju per ATOM’s definition, it is powered by yamaneon, and also look at this crazy fucking thing.  President Rushmore reminds me of that one episode of Dexter’s Lab where Dexter and Mandark turn the Washington and Lincoln heads into robots to battle it out, only for the Rushmore bots to realize they’re both super honest dudes and bond as friends over it.  What a crazy show.  What a crazy monster.

@theload‘s Entries:

ATOM’s world is an alternate universe for a lot of reasons, one of which is that its mesozoic era was a lot different than ours - instead of being ruled by prehistoric birds, it was dominated by weird crocodile descendants called retrosaurs.  Birds still evolved during this period, but they didn’t dominate the world the way they did in our Mesozoic era.  Pengku fleshes out that alternate evolutionary path for birds by presenting a very different sort of ancestral bird than the ones we know existed - specifically one based on very old and outdated ideas on what the ancestral bird may have looked like.  Essentially a feathered, flying lizard, Pengku is as adorable as she is intriguing, and helps flesh out the alternate prehistory of ATOM.

Parakon isa Hoogah, i.e. a member of a group of dragon-like reptiles from the more fantasy-inspired part of ATOM’s universe.  I hadn’t quite nailed the design philosphy of Hoogahs yet when Parakon was entered in the contest, so I took the liberty of tweaking his design just a tad to better fit with his peers.  Like the magical monsters he’s related to, Parakon is sweet natured and friendly.  His dimetrodon sail styled wings make him just plausible enough to fit within the sci-fi aesthetic of ATOM, too!

@connorricks‘s Entries:

Dangalar’s entry is absolutely hilarious, as his pitch is basically “what if a giant monster actually looked like a giant marionetter puppet that was poorly composited into reality?”  He moves in a strange, jerky fashion, he’s held aloft by string connected to some invisible puppeteer, and no one knows what the hell he’s supposed to be.  It’s absolutely eerie and yet also incredibly hilarious - and somehow manages to be even more meta than is usual for ATOM.

If nothing else, this contest made a lot of great friends fro The Writhing Flesh.  Normus’s design was inspired by a picture of a half-dressed Godzilla suit actor - human above the waster, dinosaur below.  In story, he’s basically what would happen if someone tried to fuse a human with three different retrosaur monsters and kaijufied the result - the kind of mad science that’s horrifyingly common in ATOM’s world.  Normus is a pitable monster, but I like to think he’d eventually get used to his situation and find a way to enjoy being a giant freakish retrosaur-man.

@titleknown‘s Entries:

Our first monster designed to be ATOM’s equivalent of Ultraman, Malorel is also the strangest – and again, that’s pretty strange considering how this contest goes.  Part of Malorel’s weirdness comes from the fact that she also homages The Monolith Monsters as well as characters from a couple of shows I haven’t watched yet.  Like President Rushmore, Malorel isn’t a traditional kaiju, as she is mostly composed of inorganic matter.  The bulk of Malorel’s body is made of Yamaneon crystals and a second substance that’s sort of the anti-Yamaneon (implied by titleknown to be Magic), while only the chewy center of the being is made of a flesh and blood human.  Said human also directs Malorel’s actions, which is why she ends up fighting kaiju to defend mankind.  I took a few liberties with Malorel’s design – Yamaneon crystals have a very distinct shape, and if ATOM-verse Magic were to manifest physically it would be as a gas instead of a solid – but I tried to keep the spirit in tact.

Jimmy Neutron was a pretty fun show.  Panku is basically a kaiju-scaled version of the mech-suit wearing egg monsters from it, and since both Jimmy Neutron and ATOM are built on atom age sci-fi tropes, it meshes pretty well.

Based on a famous non-giant monster from the 1950’s, Jan in the Pan from The Brain that Wouldn’t Die, The Head is possibly the most explicitly villainous monster entered in the contest.  A megalomaniacal supervillain whose machinations affect the storyline of every monster Titleknown entered in the contest, The Head is a force to be reckoned with even before she kaiju-fies herself.  The visual of a big giant floating head battling giant monsters is pretty surreal, and the creepy neck tendrils make for a grisly visual that’s quite appropriate for such a sinister villain.

Javellaro forms an important bridge between the “humanity learns to live with monsters” story of ATOM and the “human hero kills monsters of the week” story of Titleknown’s entries. A pig whose artificial kaijufication was botched by The Head, Javellaro’s healing factor is degraded enough to not work fully, yet powerful enough to keep her going despite how painful her should-be-lethal wounds are.  Her pitiable condition draws audience sympathy while still making us comfortable with Malorel putting her down – it’s honestly a mercy in this pig’s case.  Tragic and haunting, Javellaro poignantly illustrates how a kaiju can invoke pathos.

A second pseudo-mecha, Playboy Rumble is similar to President Rushmore in that she’s neither a traditional mech nor a true kaiju.  Instead, she’s a super powered human piloted a hard light construct (which would probably be called a hologram in ATOM’s time period) via mad science. Her human form was created to be a minion and eventual replacement body for the Head, but, in true mad science fashion, turned against her master and joined with Malorel.  Playboy Rumble is also sort of our third Ultraman homage, being a human with a thing in her chest that lets her turn into a giant to fight monsters for a period of time.  Also she’s a giant bunny bot, and you gotta love that.

@canadian-tuxedo-mask‘s Entries:

A hybrid of a giant ground sloth and literally the entire audience of a drive in movie theater (or their ghosts?), X-Nertha is another monster that I’m gonna label one of the weirdest ideas submitted to this contest - though, like Pogo, that weirdness is totally in line with ATOM’s aesthetic principles of mixing kaiju with 1950′s nostalgia. X-Nertha’s personality is as unique as its design, as it is a perennial spectator of other kaiju fights, rather than a combatant itself.  I did my best to work in 1950′s car elements to the design, though I’m not particularly good at drawing cars in general.

Ok, nothing in Butch’s description said he was a Greaser, but nothing said he wasn’t a Greaser, and his name is Butch, so here we are.  Captain Sensation’s supernatural elements aren’t apparent in an isolated black and white sketch - you need color to see the green parts of him and another monster to realize he’s kaiju-sized.  I also didn’t realize until re-reading his entry that he’s got a superhero costume I could have drawn instead - look, some part of me just wanted to draw a giant Greaser, ok?  Is that ok?  I’m pretty fond of Butch.  He’s a giant dude who shoots hot sauce (well if you want to get technical it’s just the acid from peppers but shush) out his eyes like a horned lizard and punches monsters to save the world.  He’s our second or third (depending on how you count) Ultraman homage, and a damn good one at that.

An homage to the Wasp Woman (one of my favorite 1950′s monster concepts that sadly had a lackluster execution), Malzzang is an insidious Korean crime boss who uses kaiju-fied giant hornets to further her schemes, only to become one of them herself via a strange turn of events!  She’s wicked and sinister even before she becomes a monster, and is an excellent “heel” kaiju.  Also she gave me an excuse to draw a giant hornet with a woman’s head, and that’s always great.

Lance is another monster that takes its base animal in some weird directions, from his name-worthy pointy snoot to his slug-like eyestalks.  He’s also got a dog’s brain, which somehow just makes everything weirder.   He’s still got a lot of what makes an oppossum adorable though, and his personality is utterly charming.

This is one of the monsters where I felt I had a good feel of what they were going for until, like, the last sentence of the description that made me doubt the whole thing, but I liked how it turned out anyway.  There should probably be a moray eel head in there somewhere - let's say it's hiding behind the seaweed.  I love the idea of this giant heap of a sea monster made out of all these disparate parts - he's like the better aspects of Pirates of the Caribbean 2 rolled into one giant monster.

@highly-radioactive-nerd‘s Entries:

It’s a well-known fact that the original Baragon costume – one of the best monster suits ever made in the Showa movies – was used and reused to make so many different monsters that it was barely functional by the time Toho wanted to make Destroy All Monsters.  There are so many pseudo-Baragons out there, so it’s only fitting that ATOM got one of its own.  It already has a Baragon homage of course, but Blastra here is specifically designed to be a reused Baragon suit, complete with a new head and some extra doodads.

I love this guy because he does something fairly difficult: he makes me interested in duckbilled dinosaurs.  Sibelisaurus takes the idea that hadrosaurs had musical horns and runs with it, making a dinosaur whose body is designed to resemble a variety of musical instruments and even has some markings that look like musical notes and rests.  It’s a very clever idea that works way better than you’d think, and takes what could have been a plain retrosaur and instead makes it very interesting.

While there are lots of King Kong homages out there, surprisingly few use baboons as a base, which is shame because they’re utterly vicious and weird looking animals.  King Solomon takes that savage inspiration and adds an interesting layer of greed to it – he’s not just called King because he’s big and strong, but because he hoards shiny objects.  It’s like if King Kong was significantly more literal about his title.

Salagara captures the feel of a 1970’s Hanna Barbara monster perfectly, looking as if he just stepped out of the Godzilla Power Hour or The Herculoids.  He’d have good company in that regard, as many of the Beyonders’ monsters were also designed to fit that vibe.  His design is simple but effective, and I never tire of aliens with eyestalks.

A mummy, a landshark, AND a retrosaur, Tutandra blends three very different things into one well rounded whole.  He pulls in the “archaeology adventure” story that’s also common in atom age sci-fi and mixes it with ATOM’s giant monster narrative, and the result is pretty great.  Also, again, this is a giant mummified retrosaur that swims through sand like a shark.  What’s not to love?

@glarnboudin‘s Entries:

Salikor is a loose homage to the primary monster of one of my favorite obscure kaiju movies, The Legendof Dinosaurs and Killer Birds.  Like the plesiosaur in that film, Salikor emerges from a lake and proceeds to wreak bloody havoc upon the human populace, leaving a trail of blood and carnage in his wake until he finally has a fateful encounter with a flying retrosaur.  His design is suitably vicious looking, with lipless crocodile-style exposed teeth and an armored hide.

Terravia emerges around the same time as Salikor, but unlike the monsters that inspired them, the two end up becoming lovers despite being wildly different species.  It’s a pretty weird turn for a kaiju story, but not an unheard of one (more than a few lost Godzilla movie projects have similar premises).  Terravia mellows Salikor out a bit, and their story has a sort of sweet “make love, not war” theme that fits ATOM well enough.

A lot of people like the idea of making retrosaurs fill niches that dinosaurs eventually filled when they became full on birds, and Tabbaogen here is an answer to the question of what a retrosaur penguin might look like.  The answer is “pretty ridiculous and fun.”  As his name suggests, he uses his body as a sled, much as penguins do.  He’s also a lot more dangerous than he appears, which is always fun – he’d make a good tag team partner for Gorale.

@akitymh‘s Entries:

A vampiric newt from another world, Kabold’s head gives me a nice Wayne Barlowe vibe.  It also reminds me a bit of Irys from Gamera 3, which is pretty neat.  Its six limbed body is simple while still distinctly alien, and it has a nice collection of little tuber-thingies on its body.  I love those little tuber thingies.

King Horn reminds me of all the space gorillas from Silver Age comics despite not actually being a gorilla.  He’s very definitely alien, yet also unmistakably ape-y, and that’s pretty cool. Also, like a certain Ultraman monster, his name is slightly misleading, as his horns aren’t particularly prominent. I don’t know if that was intentional, but I like it.

Going with the Ultraman vibe of the last entry, Rampart here feels like a monster who was designed for a specific fight scene.  Those two enormous armored plates would make for some very unique battles, with the retrosaur in between them providing just enough normalcy to ground the design.  I also like how the taxonomic placement of this guy is unclear in-universe – it’s a nice touch.

I figured I took Martian anatomy about as weird as it could go with Podritak, but Sevarahz here might top that.  His phallic head section is wonderfully gross, and his pelvic section, while recognizably Martian, is distorted into a really weird shape.  The “tail” should probably have more limited joints since it’s technically a third leg (and Martian legs have a distinct bone structure and all), but it looks better as a serpentine tail, so we’ll let that anatomy slide a bit.

Akitymh’s final entry is Awkwas, and he’s basically a what you see is what you get monster: a great big retrosaur with a bearded dragon style frill, ready to fight other monsters and have a fun rowdy time.  He doesn’t have a lot of frills to him, but in a way that’s kind of refreshing – we’ve got a lot of weirdoes in this contest, so it’s nice to have a few simple monsters for contrast.

@quinnred‘s Entries:

The most Ultraman-looking of our Ultraman homages, Odinokiy Soldat still manages to be a very weird and unique take on the “human hero who fights kaiju” concept, with his jet black skin and bone-white armored plates.  The turtle-like beak is a particularly wonderful and unsettling touch. I love that, despite his grotesque mad scientist origins, he’s unambiguously a heroic monster, protecting the USSR from kaiju threats just as Tyrantis protects the US.  It’s important to me that ATOM doesn’t demonize the USSR, even though a lot of what they did with nuclear testing is great monster origin fuel.  I feel Odinokiy Soldat tows that line really well – his origin is horrifying, but at heart he’s a good person who happens to be loyal to his mother country, Russia.

I love plant monsters even though they’re often frustratingly hard to make – it’s so hard not to just make a new flavor of Audrey II, y’know?  Papaver Magnus here not only manages to feel entirely unique in design, but also brings an interesting story hook: she intoxicates other kaiju.  Sometimes this puts them to sleep, while other times it drives them into a rage.  She could be a useful tool for kaiju control, or manage to make a kaiju attack even more violent than normal.  A great design with a great story concept!

I didn’t expect to see an homage to my favorite sandsverse vendor in this contest, but here we are. Even if you don’t get the joke, King Bekantan is a great spin on the giant ape monster archetype in his own right. Instead of being a rough and tumble warlord, King Bekantan is a peaceful farmer who cultivates the earth (fruits in particular) and basically tries to protect the environment.  There’s something eerie and beautiful about the idea of some giant ape striding the land only to spend all its time farming – it’d be such a beautiful yet surreal sight.

A collection of massive crustaceans that pretend to be islands, the Humarr Petram take the medieval folktale of a living creature that’s mistaken for an island and give it a sinister atomic age spin.  These would be one of the scariest kaiju to encounter, and could make for one kickass standalone story in the ATOM universe.

Finally, we come to the Slickener, an organic giant monster who may not technically be a kaiju, as its powers seem to have a negative effect on most Yamaneon-rich organisms. While you can identify the different terrestrial animals who inspired its design, the Slickener’s design nonetheless feels incredibly alien and off putting.  It’s delightfully unsettling.

@godzillakiryu91‘s Entry:

Rayken takes a monster I’ve wanted to homage for a while - the titular beast from The Giant Gila Monster – and mixes it with the mythological amphisbaena to make a wonderfully lumpy monstrosity.  The fact that you could also call this a “Beast with Two Heads” adds to the delightful B-Movie vibe, and that false second head could definitely produce a lot of fun scenes, both with human victims and fellow kaiju. Imagine a human shrieking as they think the monster’s about to eat them, only to realize they were looking at the wrong end!  Hilarious.

@bowlofgabe‘s Entries:

A heroic pair of conjoined twin crabs.  Hell. Fucking.  Yes.  Clawdia is the hero kaiju of Mexico, and as far as I’m concerned she’s just as fit for the job as Nastadyne and Tyrantis.  Between her light psychic powers and love of luchadores, she has more than enough personality to carry her own series of adventures, and her sisterly bond with herself (Clawdia is technically two monsters in one) provides a nice emotional center for whatever those adventures may be.

Mixing a kaiju story with the darker sides of the space race, Eldritch Ed’s haunting origin story is paired with an oddly touching relationship between him and humankind. Despite being turned into a horrific monstrosity because of a botched experiment with Yamaneon and cosmic radiation, Ed devotes his life to protecting Earth from extraterrestrial threats, turning his accidental exile in earth’s orbit into guard duty.  It’s hard to get more heroic than that.

@iamthekaijuking‘s Entries:

Plume is about as “realistic dinosaur”ish as an ATOM kaiju can get, exploiting the loophole within ATOM’s prehistory that states that a small lineage of dinosaurs who were direct ancestors of birds did exist alongside the Retrosaurs.  She’s a pretty addition as well, a vibrant songbird of a monster who completes the trio of maternal monsters started by Bobo and Scutlgor.

Baby kaiju are adorable and I would have added more of them to ATOM if I wasn’t worried about their safety. Bubblor is basically an infant of a species very similar to Zillser, and takes everything cute about the later and amps it up a bit.  That’s a lot of cute, even in such a big package.

Shēnghuó tǎ (my Godzilla font doesn’t have symbols with the little marks) hails from Ugugular’s planet and inexplicably resembles Chinese architecture, which is pretty rad.  It’s the second of a trio of monsters that serve as “good” counterparts to the other Beyonder monsters.  They probably defected almost immediately when the Invasion started.

Dhyandogen completes that trio, being a peaceful counterpart to The Great Beyonder and a stoic counterpart to Pleprah.  His golden coloration gives him an almost angelic feel, and he makes for a good leader for this trio of extraterrestrial pacifists.

Essentially the Biollante to Tyrantis’s Godzilla, Unit 01 has one of the most tragic backstories of any kaiju submitted to the contest.  Created to kill other monsters and then forced into stasis when not in use, her life is even more miserable and battle-heavy than those of the Beyonder’s kaiju, and her story culminates in a vicious rampage that humanity frankly deserves to suffer from.

@virovac’s Entries:

Themed around its power, Artileron is basically a wholly organic dinosaur tank.  The heavily armored long necked goliath has head armor that coincidentally resembles a soldier’s helmet and shoots gastroliths at its enemies like tank shells, creating a pretty fun spin on the retrosaur concept.  I imagine this guy talking like the Soldier from TF2 and it makes me happy.

A synapsid that evolved to coincidentally resemble paleo tyrant retrosaurs (which in turn are crocodiles that evolved to coincidentally resemble therapod dinosaurs), it’s my head canon that Bajingis is a member of the same species that Dreg’s mother belonged to.  The idea of a big furry version of a retrosaur running around is cute, and could cause an interesting bit of confusion for the kaiju-ologists in ATOM’s world.  Also, Bajingis is a fun name to say.

This is one where I’m pretty sure I misinterpreted the description, as a friend of mine pointed out that it was probably an homage to the ratbatcrabspider from Angry Red Planet, but I liked what I came up with so I’m sticking with it.  Regardless of how off my drawing may be, Pomogitan is a crazy looking monstrosity of a kaiju, and definitely makes the extraterrestrial side of ATOM just a little crazier.

We’ve got more than a few apes in this contest already, but they’re kind of a male dominated archetype, aren’t they?  It’s nice to have a lady or two to even things out, and Hagayag’s lumpy, hideous appearance definitely keeps things monstrous in the process.  Since she’s described as being close to an orangutan, and since sasquatches are distant descendants of orangutans in ATOM’s world, I gave her a few sasquatch touches as well.

@plebeiantologist‘s Entries:

Mixing the vicious savagery of a hummingbird with the suave charm of a vampire, Nosferatu is an excellent solution to ATOM’s lack of bird monsters, as well as a clever and unexpected homage to Count Dracula.  I love the serrated beak that evokes fangs without actually being them, and feel the same about how the interior markings of his wings resemble a scalloped opera cape without actually being one.  He’s also not an evil monster – he needs to drink blood, sure, but that’s not lethal to most kaiju (just annoying), and he’s intelligent enough to smooth things over and even make deals with other monsters to get his sustenance.  Overall, a cool and clever take on the idea of a kaiju Dracula.

We’ve got a lot of sad stories and a lot of silly stories in the contest so far, but none mix the two together as thoroughly as poor Dromeo here.  A normal bee that was kaijufied, Dromeo wants nothing more than to find true love, mate, and die as a result of mating.  However, as the only kaijufied bee of his species, he can’t find said mate, which means he lives in a perpetual state of longing.  In addition to being extremely relatable, his situation is both hilarious and tragic.

I-Am-Fish-Mage’s Entries:

Another entry that plays with some of the more occult parts of ATOM’s universe, Gurt is what would happen if Pathogen used a dog instead of a retrosaur and the naturally occurring vampire virus instead of an artificial hybrid of different degraded strains of it.  Or, more simply, a great big vampiric doggo.  Gurt has the telltale signs of higher functioning vampirism, from the scar-like neck markings to the growth of bat wings.  Very interestingly, Gurt’s kaiju physiology keeps him from fully exploiting the malleable nature of a strigoi vampire – instead of being able to turn into mist, Gurt can only become a sort of vampiric sludge, as his kaiju physiology refuses to transform into a gaseous state (Yamaneon can only exist as a mineral).  It’s a really fun and well thought out cross of two very different monster types in ATOM’s universe.

While I haven’t made a file for them yet, between Promythigor’s file and various asks people have cleaned roughly how sasquatches work in ATOM.  Ignorilla takes one of the weirder aspects of ATOMverse sasquatches – the fact that they’re mildly psychic and make people forget about them as a defense mechanism – and runs with it. The result is a giant monster that people have trouble seeing or remembering, which proves to be quite the hassle when it accidentally strolls on a collision course with mankind.  It’s a great hook for a story, since it makes an otherwise fairly benign monster extremely dangerous through no fault of its own.  Ignorilla also has plants growing in its fur, which is a nice nod to some other obscure sasquatch myths.

@bonelessnerd‘s Entries:

I couldn’t resist.  Look, it was either this or drawing essentially the same pose as the original sketch – there are only so many ways to pose a hand that keep all of this glorious monstrosity’s anatomical quirks on display.  Manoamano not only fills a niche ATOM didn’t manage to cover – i.e. the living body part monster – but does so in a unique and scary way, with the implication being that it’s merely a part of a much larger kaiju drifting out in the cosmos. It’s such a creepy plot that you almost forget it’s basically a giant hand with crab claw fingers and googly eyes. But you don’t, because a giant hand with crab claw fingers and googly eyes is awesome.

Like Humarr Petram, Nogad updates the “this island is secretly a monster” myth, although in this case the twist is a lot more sad than scary.  Like the Writhing Flesh, Nogad’s bulk isn’t actually a positive, as the massive kaiju is stuck in a comatose state.  It would die if its kaijufied parasites weren’t keeping it alive, and instead spends its life in a state of suspended animation, providing humans the rare opportunity to explore the internal workings of a kaiju without (too much) threat of harm.  Nogad is spooky, sad, and intriguing, and would be a marvelously odd addition to ATOM’s kaiju ecosystem.

A size shifting dog with plastic skin, Rizablitz is basically Frankenweenie with an even bigger kaiju twist (and also less racism).  The resurrected pupper can size shift from a normal sized dog to a kaiju-sized monster, and together with his owner he protects humanity.  It’s a fun take on the “kid and their dog” story, and a nice light counterpoint to the previous two entries.

@polygonfighter‘s Entries:

A kaijufied personification of the La Brea Tar pits, Index is a mass of tar animated by kaijufied bacteria and wearing fossilized bones as armor. Its powers have a vaguely ghostly vibe, and it preys on its fellow kaiju with the aims of decorating its lair with their corpses even as they slowly turn into clusters of Yamaneon. Altogether it has a nice ghoulish vibe – the kind of monster that would make other monsters scared.

Another monster that has a great Hanna Barbara vibe, Volcanus’s bug-like appearance is mixed with some strangely human features to make it extra creepy (and also hard to place taxonomically).  While he’s posed as a rival for Index, he definitely isn’t the heroic part of the duo, as Volcanus is noted to hate everyone, kaiju and human alike, with explosive intensity.  Creepy and vicious, Volcanus is an excellent antagonist monster.

SirKaijuOfVaudeville’s Entry:

A great big subterranean monster, Torgong’s story is another one that brings in some Archaeological Adventure tropes to ATOM’s universe, providing a villainous contrast to the Reptodites with its society of subterranean mole people (mole in the “they live underground” sense, not the literal sense).  Torgong’s owners are wicked race of rock eating cave dwellers who have enslaved another race of more peaceful, slightly insectoid cave dwellers. Torgong is of course their bestial god, and looks nice and freaky as a mole monster should.

@scatha5‘s Entry:

Being a mammal, Cervere brings some diversity to ATOM’s pantheon of monsters basically by default, but his powers are what truly make him shine.  Cervere is designed to be a kaiju-repellant, with a scent designed to drive other kaiju away.  That’s right: it weaponizes the odorous nature of mammals.  Cervere releases this smell through a colored gas emitted by its mouth and ears, providing a nice visual for its power as well. Unfortunately for the lazy cat, the power can attract and repel in equal measure, and sometimes Cervere is forced to fight against monsters it was supposed to scare off.  It’s a really clever power that makes ties this punk rock kitty together quite nicely.

@cstalli‘s Entry:

As beautiful as they are alien in appearance, the Trifitan Arum are a gorgeous entry in the contest (make sure to check out the original drawing, which is a lot prettier than anything I can manage).  Though they appear humanoid, they’re entirely made of terrestrial (albeit hybridized and heavily mutated) plants.  They’re also a swarming monster – weak individually, but strong when collected in a large group, making them sort of a benevolent counterpart to the Heisei Gyaos.

@profcene‘s Entry:

A prehistoric aquartic hyena, Gevlek is yet another monster that feels sort of like a Hanna Barbara design (and that is always a compliment here as far as monsters go).  Contrary to stereotypes, Gevlek isn’t a malicious bully or a cowardly predator, but rather a social creature that wants a clan.  Like most ATOM-verse monsters, though, he’s also kind of socially awkward, so finding that clan is harder than it seems – especially since he’s the only member of his species around.  Still, he’s a clever creature, and, again like many of his peers, he proves a valuable ally once you get past his rough edges.

@ask-drakos‘s Entries:

There were far less birds than I was expecting in this contest, but on the plus side the ones we have are all varied and solid designs.  Okhalee is a victim of quick kaijufication, much like the Myrmidants and Girtabane, which means he resembles a normal animal with some sudden and extreme mutations. Most notably, he takes the vocalizations that make songbirds so interesting and weaponizes them into a sonic scream – a power that’s strangely absent from ATOM’s lineup of kaiju given how prevalent it is in kaiju media.  Kinda fills a couple missing niches at once, huh?

We end with Crab Voltron. Well, ok, technically Crustacean Voltron since they’re not all crabs, but Crab Voltron is more fun to write. It’s an appropriately weird idea to end with, I think, and like so many lunatic things in ATOM, this one is the fault of a mad scientist.  And y’know what?  It’s honestly not the weirdest thing mad scientists have done in this world.  In fact, Crab Voltron is almost a logical response, and I love that.

And that’s it!  That’s all 79 entries!  I cannot overstate my satisfaction with the results of this contest. The amount of creativity on display her is astounding, and I absolutely adore how game you guys were for playing with my little monster story.  Make sure to check out the originals, as linked to in this post, and stay tuned for the announcement of the winners and the presentation of prizes and all that! It should take me… oh, maybe a week or two?

“Why so long?” you ask. Well… look, this contest got roughly 4 times as many entries as I expected, and all of them are so high quality. I can’t limit myself to five winners - there have to be more, which means more work for me, which means I need some time to pull it off.  So savor these sketches while you wait, because this might take a while.

[whirofinvention-blog]

The Value of Compromising

Life gets really busy. Everyone experiences this past a certain age. Sure, the average 9 year old is probably just going to go to school and maybe to football, gymnastics or dance after school. In high school, you get a little busier. Your school work becomes more straining on your schedule and the extracurriculars can start to pile on. You get your first job and your first girlfriend/boyfriend and have even less free time. College can break either way. You may be busier than ever or you may be the kid who skips class unless it is mandatory for you to attend. Maybe you get really involved in a student union or are playing college sports. If you are like me, then a lot of your free time is going to be devoted to doing your essays last minute and going to random parties on Wednesday nights (my first two years of college were not a high point for my academic career, but that's a story for another time).

After all that time, school is finally done and you are free. Infinite free time to do whatever you want. You can stay home and play the newest Elder Scrolls game all day long or take that road trip you've always wanted to go on or even sit on your couch and make spicy new Magic brews for hours. Odds are, you will do none of this. Instead, you get a job where five days a week you are doing the same thing all the time. You will realize that sitting in a desk or at a cash register is not keeping you as in shape as you wanted to be so you have to get a gym membership. Don't forget that if you want to save money you have to make food at least a few nights a week. The time just slips away. This is where I am at. It seems like it is going to get worse before it gets better. There still is more responsibility to come. Whether it is parenthood or buying a house. Things don't really seem to settle down too much for most people.

In case it isn't obvious, this post is about how life can strain the amount of time you have available to do the things you like and some of the sacrifices you have to make. Now, the sacrifice I am going to talk about today is not exactly huge but is relevant to this blog.

Portland is the home to about 10 game stores, and I don't think there is a perfect game store among them. The issues cover the full spectrum you'd expect. Bad prices. Rude employees. Horrible owners. Small selection. A weird obsession with making every order be made via computer even if it is just one card. That's not to say that they are all bad. The ones with rude employees or bad prices tend to have the best selections. The worst selections have the best communities. A few of these stores I have gone to for years and a few of them I will never step into again.

In the summer of 2017, I moved to a different neighborhood and after having signed a lease discovered my apartment was a few blocks away from a LGS. It is one of the smaller shops in the city, but the owner knows a lot about Magic and will provide advice to anyone who walks in to buy singles. Myself and a couple of others are the spikier players amongst the community. At FNM, we are there to have fun and there is a lot of table talk during the event, but we also know how to play and want to win.

Unfortunately, this shop is a little too small to run modern events. There just isn't a large enough player base in the store with modern decks at the present. I can think of four other people who have decks, one of which is a very spicy but not competitive taking turns brew. At the same time, the community is growing and events do fire pretty consistently. The first prerelease I went to there was about 12 people. The Dominaria and Guilds of Ravnica prereleases were both sold out at 32 people. FNM still doesn't fire as often as you would hope, but the first FNM of a new draft format is usually about 16 people compared to 12 months ago when it was 9.

What does this have to do with sacrifices and being busy? Well, I am busy. I work Monday thru Friday and come home everyday to make dinner with my partner. I try and go to the gym for a minimum of 6 hours a week (approximately 3 times). I need to spend time at home and with my friends. Magic is not something I can play every night and when I do go to shops, I try and go with a friend to make it a more social event than just playing games with strangers. Modern events aren't something I will go to by myself. If a friend is up to go to one I will, but I need to plan these things ahead of time because being out till 11:30 on a Wednesday with work at 7:30 the next morning is not where I want to be.

Things haven't lined up in such a way that I have been able to play modern in an event since my last post. Instead, I have been taking advantage of my local shops growing community and the kindness of the owner. These past few weeks I went to their Saturday Standard Showdown event and jammed some games with the owner's G/B/u deck (list at the bottom). This deck oozes value with there being between 10 and 13 cards that can yield two for ones. Last week, things didn't go so well with the deck due to some awkward draws and mana woes. I still went 2-2 and won my entry in store credit back as well as a foil Mox Amber out of my showdown pack. This week I showed up and did the same thing as last week where I just sat there and when an odd number of people signed up, I signed up and borrowed the same deck to make it an even number.

Here's what happened:

Round 1 - RW Angels

My opponent this round is a regular and a brewer. I have a lot of respect for him because his decks are always good, and he almost always is using his own decks. He has been playing this deck since the beginning of the format, and his original iteration was pretty close to what the Boros midrange deck looks like these days. Game 1 started out pretty evenly with him playing his early Adanto Vanguards and  Resplendent Angels with me firing right back with Plaguecrafters, Chupacabras, and Assassin's Trophys. He missed his fourth land drop for a few turns, and I felt like I had the game locked up. Unfortunately, I punted this game. I misevaluated the threat of one of his Resplendent Angels and Trophy-ed it. This gave him his fourth land and allowed him to play a Lyra Dawnbringer on the next turn. I ran out of answers and didn't hit any of my game ending cards early. He hit a few more threats and ran away with the game. The next game started out with both of us mull-ing to five. His early game was three Adanto Vanguards and mine was a Dusk Legion Zealot and Merfolk Branchwalker. I was able to hit my land drops easily and answer all of his threats with Dead Weights and Plaguecrafters. He flooded and played a Huatli and a Lyra in consecutive turns with both being met by Vraska's Contempt. In the end I just went wider than he did and had more answers. Game three was really closed at first with both of us trading resources in the early game with my removal answering his creatures. Then he played Rekindling Phoenix. I had the answer in Vraska's Contempt. A few turns later he plays a second one and I am forced to use a Trophy on the front half and a Moment of Craving on the second. Unfortunately, after giving him a few lands early, when he played the third Phoenix and a Resplendent Angel in the same turn I had no answer. The next turn I played a Branchwalker and explored into an Eldest Reborn which I leave on top. My opponent activates Angel and swings in for over half of my life. The next turn I play the saga; he sacs the angel token and kills me on the crack-back. Keeping the saga on top was a definite misplay since I was dead on board without a card like Vraska's Contempt into Ritual of Soot. Those weren't the next two cards in my deck, so it didn't matter but a misplay is still a misplay.

1-2, 0-1

Round 2 - BR Aggro

One thing to note about this tournament is there were a lot of mulligans. Last round my opponent mulliganed every game and the same thing happened this round. Also, another random thing was I lost literally every die roll so was on the draw a lot. My opener was awkward and consisted of Island and Watery Grave as the only lands. Though I had Muldrotha in hand, I don't want two blue sources ever or Muldrotha in my starting 7, but I kept because I had a Moment of Craving and Ravenous Chupacabra so was in a good spot against any creature deck and the control matchup is bad game 1 anyway so mulliganing to 6 doesn't really help my odds. Luckily for me my opponent plays a Swamp followed by Vicious Conquistador. I draw a second Watery Grave play it tapped and pass turn. Over the next two or three turns my opponent plays a few more durdly creatures like Viashino Pyromancer and I draw the second Moment of Craving and am able to just cleanly answer all of his threats. At the end of my fourth turn, my opponent made a play that made me really confident I would win the match. While I had no creatures on board, I pass the turn and on end step he Lightning Strikes me when I am at 18 life. Whenever this happens I feel so far ahead because now I know my opponent has committed a card to a game plan that I can fight against with little worry. He floods out and I stabilize at 5 life with a Muldrotha in play and many good cards to get back in the graveyard. This game was actually pretty close at one point when I had drawn all three Watery Graves, Island and a Drowned Catacomb, but I drew mostly black cards which are the better cards in the matchup. Game 2 is almost exactly the same where I 1-for-1 till I stabilize with Muldrotha and Eldest Reborn. Truthfully this just seemed like a terrible matchup for my opponent, but his plays game 1 definitely sealed his fate more than anything I did.

2-0, 1-1

Round 3 - BW Vampires

I know this player pretty well and have played him a few times in both Standard and Limited. I think we were 1-1 in Standard, 2-0 in Limited and like 1-4 in Modern (he also plays Hardened Scales and has always beaten me in the mirror but Lantern has gotten there). A few weeks ago he was playing Abzan Knights to middling results. Last week he tried his hand at a Naya Hexproof build and we went 2-1 with my edicts being stronger than his Vine Mares, Nullhide Feroxes (Ferices?) and Palladia-Mors. This week he was running back a classic. Game 1 he plays a Plains and passes the turn. The following turn he plays an Adanto Vanguard and the following turns plays Mavren and then Sanctum Seeker. Overall his curve was very good, but I had answers for most of his plays and by the end of the game I have a Muldrotha, both Vraskas and his Ajani on the battlefield. Needless to say, his vampires weren't as good as my on board removal and draw engines. Game 2 was actually disgusting. His curve was something like turn 1 Vicious Conquistador, turn 2 Legion Lieutenant, turn 3 Radiant Destiny, and turn 4 one drop and Radiant Destiny. I never stood a chance without drawing Ritual of Soot. Since I never drew it, I picked up my cards and we went to game 3. 

Before I get too far into this, I would like to say that this game had one of the better plays I have ever made in Magic happen during it. The game starts alright with my opponent playing early threats and me playing early answers. Around turn 5, I clean up the board with a Ritual of Soot at a pretty comfy life total. I pass the turn and my opponent plays a couple of vampires and ticks up an Ajani he already had to five. The following turn I do nothing but look at my completely empty board. My opponent then plays two Vicious Conquistadors and an Adanto Vanguard. I play a Muldrotha and pass the turn. On his turn he plays a Sanctum Seeker and Legion Lieutenant, pluses Ajani up to ult range and attacks with two Conquistadors and the Vanguard. I block a Conquistador with Muldrotha and go to 1. At this point I am circling the drain. I swing with Muldrotha at Ajani because I am dead on board to the attack trigger with any vamp so long as the Sanctum Seeker stays alive. Luckily he blocks with his Sanctum Seeker wanting to ult the Ajani to seal up the game - which was already sealed. I am forced to Dead Weight one of the Conquistadors and then recast it from the graveyard on the second. After playing a Merfolk Branchwalker to block and an Evolving Wilds I passed the turn. On the next turn my opponent plays another Legion Lieutenant and swings with Vanguard. I chump with the Branchwalker. He ults Ajani and passes. For the rest of the game I am forced to Dead Weight and recast my own Plague Mare from my graveyard every single turn to wipe away the cats over and over. Eventually I am able to play four spells pretty much every turn and my opponent never is able to catch up. I thought I couldn’t win the game but was proud of myself for seeing the line to keep his cat tokens at bay and eventually grind out the win.

2-1, 2-1

Round 4 - Mardu Burn

My opponent's deck this round was honestly one of the craziest standard decks I have ever played against. A friend of mine at the shop had mentioned losing to this player the round before and simply said that my opponent was on a crazy burn deck playing both Risk Factor and Sword-Point Diplomacy. I had the advantage going into the round of having some idea what my opponent was doing, so I was optimistic. Still, I didn't feel great about it. Going into the game my deck felt like it was made up exclusively of dead cards. Moment of Craving. Dead Weight. Ravenous Chupacabra even. This game wasn't even close. He cast multiple Sword-Point Diplomacys and a Risk Factor and was able to kill pretty much every single threat I played with Justice Strikes and random burn spells. At one point he just goes face and Banefires me for 5 when I was at 4 to play around countermagic. I went with the tech-y play of Moment of Craving my own creature to go to 1, but he just runs it back the next turn so my play didn't matter. The sideboard for this deck isn't designed for this matchup. I don't believe any sideboard is designed for this matchup. Fortunately for me, the sideboard is heavily skewed to beat control so I grab the copies of Duress, Negate and Unmoored Ego (which is for the Teferi matchup and I really don't like in the Teferi matchup). I pull out every copy of Dead Weight, Midnight Reaper, and Dusk Legion Zealot figuring the Dead Weight would literally never do anything (which was accurate) and that the life loss of these two creatures could be too detrimental. The other considerations were the Vraska's Contempts and Moment of Craving, but the Contempts have so much utility and the Cravings sometimes just keep you alive. Game two starts with me Duressing my opponent and seeing Banefire, Risk Factor, Cleansing Nova and four lands. I take the Banefire and pass the turn. Turn 3 I Unmoored Ego naming Risk Factor and see my opponents win cons are Erratic Cyclops, Angrath, Banefire and burn. The following turns consist of me playing creatures and him killing them. I eventually Unmoored Ego away his Sword-Point Diplomacys to put him in a position where he has no traditional card advantage. My Eldest Reborns and Contempts answer his Angraths and I stabilize in the low teens with a Vraska, Relic Seeker and Karn in play. He scoops up his cards, and we go to game 3. Game 3 consisted of a few misplays on my part but was extremely similar overall to game 2. I turn 3 Unmoored Ego away his Risk Factors again, curve out and play my lands. He kills my creatures and also hits his land drops. There was an awkward moment later in the game where I Unmoored Ego and say Sword-Point Diplomacy but almost immediately say Angrath afterwards. Unfortunately my opponent flipped his hand face-up so fast and had an Angrath already putting me in the position of not wanting to feel like I was angle shooting - I swear I didn't see his hand when I changed my choice. I do what I consider to be the right thing and take out the Sword-Points. I had an Eldest Reborn in hand anyways. The game ends with him having to regularly use his board wipes to clear my Eldest Reborns allowing my creatures to trade 1-for-1 the whole time. Once my second Muldrotha hits the table and I bring back a creature and Eldest Reborn, the game is pretty much over.

This was the coolest deck I played against all tournament. The pseudo-redundancy of the punisher cards made the deck feel consistent and, well, punishing. The game 1 matchup was probably close to unwinnable with the percentage being like 80/20 in his favor. The sideboard games though felt really hard to lose and probably flipped it to 60/40 for me. In the last game, I wonder if I should have named Angrath and Banefire from the start with Unmoored Ego to make it literally impossible for him to win assuming I can kill his Cyclops with one of the six cards that cleanly deal with creatures in the deck. If I had both Egos in my opening hand then I think that play I made was wrong but since I only had one, it was probably correct still. As a note and request to players out there, my opponent seemed like a really nice guy, but his graveyard/exile zone was super chaotic and literally just a pile of cards thrown together. Don't be like my opponent. Keep a clean play area.

2-1, 3-1

Round 5 - G/B Midrange

The two of us sat down at the table and instantly knew what the other player was on. Since I was borrowing the shop owner's deck the regulars were familiar with it, and I had been sitting next to my opponent round 1. As we shuffle he says something like, "This is a bad matchup for me. All of your Plaguecraters and Chupacabras are really hard for me to beat." The start of this game is pretty slow with him playing a Wildgrowth Walker and some explore creatures early and me playing two drops and removal spells in response. He misses his third land drop for awhile, and I continue to play lands and threats. By the time he hits his third land, I am too far ahead for him to come back. Now, I understand that casually chatting while shuffling is good form, but I would advise against saying card X or card Y is hard for you to beat to your opponent. Knowing that my sideboard plan became simple. Take out every single card that wasn't a 2-for-1. I took out the Greenseekers (since they probably are rarely going to survive the turn cycle), Moment of Cravings, and a single Dusk Legion Zealot to bring in the Arguel's Blood Fast, Find//Finality and Ritual of Soot. Every game started with both of us playing early creatures and having a back and forth of resources. Unfortunately, his creatures just slightly outsized mine, and I was put in a spot where my blocks weren't good but my life total was ticking down. He cast a Sylvan Awakening (there was a weird lands subtheme in his deck that I never really figured out) and brought me down lower than I could recover from after he played a big Vraska the following turn and started making pirates. Game 3 saw me keeping a very sketchy 7 that I probably should have thought on more. He specifically told me that his deck didn't do well against 2-for-1s that answered creatures. So, keeping a hand of Merfolk Branchwalker, Assassin's Trophy and five lands may not have been a great idea. He duresses me on turn 1 and takes the removal spell. I draw a Ritual of Soot off the top, play Branchwalker leaving a spell on top and pass. He plays his Wildgrowth Walker and passes back. A few turns later he plays a Kitesail Freebooter and sees my hand has both an Assassin's Trophy and Ritual of Soot. He's pretty much priced into taking the Ritual since it wipes his board and would get back any other card he may take. I decide to Trophy his Freebooter and get back my Ritual. Over the next two or three turns my opponent makes the mistake that loses him the game in my opinion. Since I have the board wipe in hand he decides to pass the turn doing literally nothing. No land drop. Not adding to the board. Not attacking. Nothing. I draw my card, play my land and pass. This happens one more time where he draws and says go with me responding with a draw, land, go. On the following turn cycle I draw Muldrotha and cast Ritual of Soot. He plays some threats, but I play Muldrotha and an Evolving Wilds after drawing a second Muldrotha. He obviously kills the first but when the second comes down he has no answer. Eventually multiple Eldest Reborns seal the deal in my favor.

I understand the incentive of playing around the board wipe, but this was a classic case of me not being pressured enough to need to use the board wipe. With neither player adding to the board and me hitting land drops, I don't think my opponent had a chance. He had a Find to get back the wiped creatures, but he probably should have forced me into playing the board wipe as early as possible to allow him to rebuild aggressively. I still would have won probably given my draws, but he gave me to much control of the end game. The fact that his main deck was designed to beat aggro probably helped me out a lot too.

2-1, 4-1

I'm very happy with this result. I didn't play perfect, but I did well enough to get 4th (the lowest of the 4-1 players due to breakers). The standard showdown pack had a Sulfur Falls and a foil Risk Factor in it which was nice. The deck ran smoothly, and the only meaningful changes I would make would be cutting the blue since it makes the mana a little painful and awkward. Though it gives access to a few powerful spells, I have to wonder if the Muldrothas should just be Jadelights, Izonis, or Carnage Tyrants. Let the Negates and Egos be a fourth Duress, Wildgrowth Walker, and maybe something spicy. Also I would probably swap out the Dusk Legion Zealots in favor of Seekers’ Squire since I think the body coupled with the lifeloss can really matter against aggro.

The best estimation I can give of the decklist is below. I don't have the deck in front of me so there are some things I am guessing on (specifically the number of Branchwalkers, Vraska's Contempts, and Chupacabras). If you have the cards, I would recommend building the deck. It is definitely fun.

2x Dead Weight 3x Dusk Legion Zealot 3x Merfolk Branchwalker 2x Dryad Greenseeker 2x Moment of Craving 3x Assassin's Trophy 2x Midnight Reaper 2x Plaguecrafter 2x Vraska's Contempt 2x Ravenous Chupacabra 1x Golgari Findbroker 1x Karn, Scion of Urza 2x Vraska, Golgari Queen 3x The Eldest Reborn 2x Muldrotha, the Gravetide 1x Vraska, Relic Seeker 1x Find//Finality 2x Evolving Wilds 1x Island 5x Swamp 4x Forest 3x Watery Grave 2x Drowned Catacomb 4x Woodland Cemetery 4x Overgrown Tomb

Sideboard 3x Duress 2x Negate 2x Arguel's Bloodfast 2x Plague Mare 3x Unmoored Ego 2x Ritual of Soot 1x Find//Finality

[janesotherstuff]

The UK train saga

A hair raising experience

Now, before I begin I want to make it clear that I have really tried not to rant too much in this post. I know the level of rage that the words ‘train travel' incites in the general public, myself included, but please try to contain your excitement. This is a respectable blog.   

Taking train journeys in the UK - something I do fairly often - can be a testing experience. The bad encounters are many; the prices, the punctuality, the general hair-raising frustration and of course there are always the dreaded toilets (I don't want to talk about those). I am also not going to be talking politics here, because there isn’t enough space on the internet, so, for now, lets start with the food trolley, because it seems as good a place to start as any. 

I don't know whose idea having a refreshments trolley on trains was, but when he thought it up I reckon he must have had a good laugh about it with his mates afterwards. I am sure you must know what I am talking about here; those squeaky wheeled, awkward, cumbersome metal things, loaded with sandwiches, tiny bottles of alcohol, tea and coffee which only just fit through the isle of the train. If you have any luggage or appendages sticking out even a fraction into the isle when it comes through, you will be reminded sharply of this as the trolley goes by (my dog’s tail once found out the hard way). And woe betide anyone who wants to try and get past the trolley whilst it is in the middle of the carriage. Oh no, Sir, you will just have to wait until those 75 coffees have been served. 

These guys get it.

Every train trip I take, I always end up buying a cup of tea when the trolley passes through my carriage. I don't know what compels me to do this because train tea, without fail, always tastes awful. When did making a cup of tea become so difficult? It seems that just because we are on a train, making a brew suddenly becomes incredibly troublesome. Is there a special area at the tea factory where they use floor scrapings to fill train-tea bags? My guess is yes, they do. Actually, I have noticed that some tea bags used on trains have a special foil attachments that you can bend over the lip of the cup to stop it from sloshing around, but these tea bags are always so rammed with leaves they provide absolutely no movement for a decent brewing period anyway, regardless of wether it can move or not. They look more like miniature pillows, and not the soft kind. Where’s a pyramid bag when you need one? I am considering bringing my own tea bags on trains with me in the future, which I think will give me a decent head start towards being middle aged, but at least I will leave the train refreshed and pleased and rather than annoyed and skint. 

Because not only does it taste terrible, it also costs an arm and a leg. What makes me part with eye-watering sums of money for tea that tastes like grouting mixture is anyone’s guess. Perhaps it is simply my routine, or that if I pretend hard enough I will have normal tasting tea, or maybe I do it to take my mind off the fact that I can usually see something resembling sick on the floor. If you ever buy anything from a refreshments trolley you will always find yourself stuttering in shock at how much it costs. Outwardly, of course, your British politeness urges you to pay the ridiculous fees, but internally you are thinking “I’m going to have to remortgage the house.” I usually console myself for having just paid £3 for my tea buy buying an unnecessarily large bag of salt & vinegar crisps for £5. Such is life. 

Smug bastard.

My guess is that the trolley people are probably trained in the same place as the people who decide on ticket prices. The ones who deem it a reasonable request for you to hand over your life savings for a ticket to Manchester. I swear I once heard the trolley man and the ticket guy laughing behind the door:   

"Ha ha! Those suckers will pay anything for this tea which I scraped off my shoe earlier!" 

"I know! And that guy in coach D paid £789 for a single to Woking! What a loser!" 

I’m not going to talk about ticket prices though because I fear I may lose myself in that rage I mentioned earlier. So instead, let us move on and discuss trains Oop North. I don't know if you have ever experienced catching a train in the north of England, but if not, may I suggest that you do so, as it will provide you with hours of cryptic puzzle solving, several brisk exercise sessions and dozens of exciting and hilarious stories to pass on to the grandchildren involving the wrong tickets and missed trains. It’s a hoot.

I sometimes head up north to visit my friends in the small Yorkshire village of Slaithwaite (pronounced 'Slawit', don't ask me why) and getting up there is almost always a nerve fraying experience. Once I am on the train from Kings Cross in London, all descends into chaos as I become aware that I will need to change trains three times, all at different stations to the last time I visited. On one particular trip a few years ago, upon leaving a train I wasn't sure where I needed to go next, so I asked a kind looking lady in uniform;

"Excuse me, I need to get a Slaithwaite, do you know where I need to go?"

"Aye, you'll need to get a train heading north to Wakefield Kirkgate and change to Leeds, then get yer Slaithwaite train from there. Make sure you've got the right ticket because South Pennines express tickets are the only ones permitted on that route. Oh, and just so you know, that train will arrive, then go back the way it came for no reason and suddenly you'll be in Wakefield Westgate. Don't worry, this is normal. From Leeds you'll need to cross the station to get the train to Huddersfield which will leave either 4 hours, or 20 seconds after your train arrives. At Huddersield change to platform 4B and get the train to Slaithwaite. It's only every other train though, so watch the boards to check or you'll end up in Southern Spain. Oh and by the way, make sure you get off at Westfield Wakegate, NOT Wakefield Westgate, ok? Everyone gets that wrong."

"Do they really?” I replied with shrill alarm. "I can't think why! You'd have to be an idiot not to understand this! Ha ha ha!” (I didn't really, because I was too busy trying not to have a panic attack.)

"And you'd best be quick about it because your train leaves in 15 seconds from platform fifty eight."

“OK!!" I said in a high pitched shriek as I checked my watch, "What platform are we on now?"

“One. Have a good journey."

Do you see what we are up against? Alas, this is the way the trains work in this country, and I don’t see it changing any time soon. I could complain about this until the cows come home (incidentally, what it time is that?) but I will need to save up some bitching space for Royal Mail at some point. 

It could be worse.

Whenever I get exasperated about our trains, I close my eyes and just thank Jebus I don’t have to deal with the trains in India on a regular basis. The system over here is a beacon of punctuality compared with theirs. I know this because I once waited 7 hours for a train to arrive in Agra, and I probably could have walked there in that time. 

But that is another blog post entirely. I’m off to make a cup of tea.