#SPN Angst Appreciation Day 2017

[dreamin-of-somewhere-else]

I’d Live Them All The Same

Hello mates! You know I love angst, and, well, it just happened to be Angst Appreciation Day today, so yeah ;)

Characters: Older sister Winchester!reader, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, John Winchester [mentioned], other members of the Winchester/Campbell family. 

Words: 2400+

Warnings: Broken reader, implied depression, just overall bad mental health. If you think about what Sam and Dean’s been through, it’s not far of a stretch from the show, but just know that it’s angsty (not the most angsty thing I’ve written though, sorry.)

A/N: I feel like I got a positive response to some of my older sister stuff I did a while back, and I also just got some older sister angst feels, so yeah, here you go. Also, there’s a couple of paragraphs (and title) taken from this song: Circles (MNG Remix) - Eden Project. If you want, listen to it while reading this, it builds up the angst ;)

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If I told you how this story end,

Would you change a step you take?

And if I could relive all of my days,

I'd live them all the same.

'cause I'm scared, of all that I don't know,

'cause I want it all but all of it ain't gold.

And I'm scared, but I know it's not for long

'cause I'm learning what I should've long before.

You sat on the carpet clad floor of the dark motel room, right by the door. It was the middle of the night, but it wasn’t not quiet — your brothers’ steady breaths filled the room, filled you up with calmness. You clutched the shotgun tighter, and the cold metal of the barrel your hands were wrapped around was slowly getting warmer by the heat you were exuding. You’re 24 years old and you’re the protector of this family. Always had been, and always will be.

You couldn’t sleep. You’d tried. But the anxiety kept you awake and you just had this bad feeling that the creaking motel door would flung open any second to reveal someone or something that was there to kill your little brothers. Maybe you were being paranoid, or maybe you weren’t — but the idea had crept into your head, latching on and making its way into every single one of your thoughts, making sure that you ended up in the same place every time; the door and the possibility of it being forced open.

So now you sat here, trying to keep your heart from hammering in your chest. Listening to your brothers’ breathing helped though.  Not only could you try to match your own with their even rhythm, but it was also a very appreciated reminder that your brothers were fine, comfortable and asleep.

’Take care of your little brothers, (Y/N).’

You were the protector, and so far, you had done a pretty okay job at it. Sure, you could’ve done it a thousand times better, because both of them had gotten hurt before — there had been several trips to the hospital. Things had happened, a broken leg here, a concussion there, internal bleedings, nearly-drownings — the list went on. Things that you, no matter how many years had passed since then, still were beating yourself up about. Things that you sometimes doubted that your brothers even remembered themselves, but that you could not let yourself forget. You kept track of every single one of them, but when it came to your own injuries, it was all a blur.

But, considering the dangers you exposed yourself to in your extraordinary lifestyle, you had gotten by better than expected. Better than most would have. That’s what the logical part of your brain was telling you, at least. The other part — the winning part — was waiting for something to happen.

And this way of thinking — it was wearing on you, and it had been for years. It was consuming your entire being, seeping its darkness into every moment. In fact, you never fully relaxed. You could watch your brothers joke around, and you could play with, but your senses were always on overdrive, almost. You never fully relaxed. And it was tiring.

Sometimes, you wondered if they noticed. Being 22 and 18, they sort of were adults — although to you, they would always be kids. They weren’t as innocent as you would have hoped them to be, but even though you tried, you couldn’t protect them from knowledge about what lurked in the night — you were only a child yourself, and it was your dad’s wish, so you couldn’t do much. Sometimes, you asked yourself if they noticed that you were falling apart, because that’s what you felt like. Like the dam would break. But then again, the facade you put up was convincing. It was perfected, in all fairness. Spotless, almost. Polish and strong, and not at all like the other side of you. Not at all like who you were when you let it all unravel at night when they were asleep. Whenever you were with them, you put on this faux calmness, this casual, happy aura, because you knew that made them feel safe — and maybe you felt safer too.

Because maybe that act made you believe that maybe you could do this, maybe you could keep them safe. You loved them to bits and pieces, you loved them way more than you loved yourself, more than you loved life. In a heartbeat, in a split second, without a question, without thinking about it — you would die for them. Without a doubt.

But you knew, you knew, deep down in your heart, that it wouldn’t be the case. No matter how hard you tried, you most likely would not be able to keep them safe. You were too weak, and meanwhile it felt like the whole wide world was after them. And well, you too, but you didn’t care about yourself. Sam and Dean were what was important. Sam, with his bright hazel eyes, wispy bangs, youthful dimples, admirable determination and enormous heart. Dean, with his soulful green ones, his freckles that were dusted over his cheeks, those dark blond strands, his fierce loyalty along with his pretty-gigantic-heart as well. They deserved the absolute world.

And how you wished you could travel back in time. How you could somehow stop your father from becoming a hunter, or even better, stop the demon from entering Sam’s nursery that night in ’83. Heck, maybe even travel back to your grandparents’ time and persuade them to shelve the gun and quit hunting, to never raise your mom into it. Because in this life, everyone died before their due-date, so to say. It was just a matter if you were 20, 30 or 40 when it happened. How long would you make it, that was the question. You wished that you could protect them from the life. Although, maybe you could try to talk them into leaving. Leaving hunting, leaving your dad, and maybe even leave you, if that was the ticket that would get them a safe life surrounded by a family of their own. You knew how your story would end — in death — but maybe that didn’t have to be the case for them?

If I told you how this story ends,

Would you change a step you take?

Even though you thought about it every day, you didn’t know how often they did. They were most likely aware, they were bright your little brothers, but maybe they denied it. If you knew Dean right, he probably did. Or at least he tried to make it seem that way. As for Sam, as brooding he could be, probably spent some more time contemplating it, but you didn’t know for sure. Maybe they still had dreams and hopes. You wanted them to.

And if I could relive all of my days,

I'd live them all the same.

No matter how much horror you had experienced in your fairly short lifetime, you still wouldn’t change it. Because you had them, and that’s all you needed.

You took a deep breath, trying to calm down. The room was warm and lacking precious oxygen — because in all honesty, it was a stretch to fit three young adults in a small motel room. Hell, there weren’t enough beds, so you slept on the couch, if you could sleep, that is. Despite all this, shivers ran through your exhausted body, creating goosebumps and making the little hairs in the back of your neck stand up as a finishing touch.

Rubatosis — it was a word which’s meaning you learned the other day; ’the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.’

That’s kind of what you were feeling like right now. Your body was trembling. You were beyond tired, but your head was buzzing and it just wouldn’t let you relax. If the noise wouldn’t wake your brothers, you would have banged the back of your head against the wall.

If you were to be straightforward, honest with yourself, you kind of just wished someone would hold onto you. After all, the thing was that you looked out for Dean. You looked out for Sam. Well, for your dad too at times. Sometimes you wondered who looked out for you.

You wouldn’t admit it, no. But the truth was that it would be nice — although, it only further proved that you were, in fact, weak. You shouldn’t need that, shouldn’t wish for it.

You just felt so alone. Alone in a room filled with your family. You just wanted to feel calm and safe and sleep, but at the same time, it didn’t feel like you would survive the night.

Somewhere, far away, you thought you heard your name. It seemed muffled, almost as if you were underwater and it came from above the surface.

(Y/N).

There, you heard it again.

You frowned slightly, confused. What happened? What was going on? Everything was sort of fuzzy and you felt a little out of it, even you could tell that. You wanted to open your eyes, but they felt so heavy that you remained in darkness.

”(Y/N)?”

And then you realized; it was Dean voice. He was calling on you, trying to get your attention — something was wrong. Maybe something got into the room and maybe —

Your eyes shot open, a breath got stuck in your throat and then you couldn’t breath at all. And if it felt like your heart was pounding before; it now felt like it would jump out of your chest, bursting through your ribcage, landing on the floor. If you had been connected to a heart monitor at this moment, it would have given out such a screeching noise you probably would have gone deaf.

Your whole body froze, and you couldn’t move. Your wild, round, wide eyes darted through the room — now alight with morning sunshine — until they found green, moss green.

”Shit, (Y/N), I’m sorry.” Dean’s voice was laced with worry. ”I-I just wanted to wake you, you looked so uncomfortable… Oh god, you’re not going to have a heart attack or something, are you?”

Your eyebrows knotted as you blinked forcedly, trying to keep the room from spinning.

”W-what?” You stammered.

”I found you asleep on the floor, a-and I just thought we could move you to something more comfortable — you could take my bed…” His voice died down, as he realized he was rambling.

So you’d fallen asleep after all, how you didn’t know. You kept on blinking, trying to get used to the light. You tried to breath, you tried to get your pulse to go down to a more normal, healthy rate. You almost felt like you would pass out.

You only barely noticed that Dean dropped to his knees, sinking fully down to your level, where you were scattered on the floor, still with your back leaning against the wall.

Then, he gently placed his hands on the sides of your face, forcing you to look at him. Your eyes found his green ones again.

”It’s okay, (Y/N), I’m here. You’re safe.” He looked a little spooked, this wasn’t the big sister he was used to — his big sister always knew what to do and had things under control — but he showed that away, and handled the situation gently, calmly, and overall: well.

You swallowed, and never broke the stare. Time passed, you didn’t know how much, but it didn’t matter — you didn’t have the energy to think about that. Meanwhile, Dean softly rubbed his thumbs across your cheeks, but you didn’t really think of it — in fact, your mind was almost completely blank.

When your heartbeat had slowed down enough that Dean wasn’t scared for your health, scared to touch you and make things worse — he wrapped his arms around you; tightly. You found yourself pressed against his chest, your cheek against his collarbone, your legs in an awkward position and his head placed on top of yours. You felt paralyzed, but for the first time — for as long as you could remember — you felt sort of safe. Protected. Warm. He was fisting your shirt in his hands, and it kept you grounded. You weren’t okay, you had to admit — but you felt as you could get there, or at least closer.

Your eyes stung and you almost wanted to cry — but you couldn’t do that, you had some self-control left. Or maybe, it was just such a basic facility that it just wasn’t possible. You hadn’t cried in front of your brothers since you were a kid yourself and it was just such an alien and uncomfortable thought. So, you shoved the tears that wanted out away, hiding every sign they ever were there — but for some reason, you just felt as Dean could tell anyway.

Dean never let go, he didn’t even loosen his grip, and you were so thankful for that. Maybe this was your salvation, and you were lucky he found you because you would have never been able to ask for it yourself. Although, now you could tell you had needed it.

After a while you heard another pair of soft footfalls traveling across the carpet — and you knew it was Sam. He leaned against and slid down the wall until he was seated on the floor next to you and Dean, moving away the shotgun you had dropped besides you. The next thing you was aware of was how he placed a light kiss against the top of your head.

Sometime after that, he quietly spoke up.  

”You’re so strong, (Y/N). But you don’t have to be all the time. It’s okay.”

You felt silly and a wave of disappointment aimed at yourself washed over you. You hadn’t kept it together, and now Sammy, the youngest of you all, had to reassure the person that was supposed to look out for him, that it would be okay. The person who was supposed to tell him that instead.

You couldn’t lie to yourself, you weren’t nearly as strong as you pretended to be. But then again, maybe no one was.

You were worried your brothers would be uncomfortable. Maybe they would wonder who the girl in front of them was, because it sure as hell wasn’t their sister. But they didn’t seemed to mind at all. Maybe, just maybe, it was because the roles had been reversed so many times before — all the times before.

The three of you just sat there for a long time, and you never managed to say anything. At most, you nodded. You just listened to Dean’s heart beating in his chest, feeling Sam gently play with your hair. Feeling the warmth and the love. They seemed to understand, and you wondered what you did to deserve them.

After some time, things began to feel a bit fuzzy again, but in a much more pleasant way this time around. You felt your eyelids droop, and the last thing you were aware of was someone lifting you up, and then how your face met an endlessly soft pillow.

Then you let yourself drift away into a dreamless sleep.

Tags: @winchesters-favorite-girl @jensen-jarpad @straightasdeanwinchester @evyiione @samanddeanshotsis @darkestgrungeuniverse @fabulouslycassie @delessapeace-blog @mariairwin666 @1amluke @saveprettydays @cookee50 @yoursmilemakesmeloveyou @infamati--et--obliterati @stillcooli0 @sammysbeanie @jamric @deepbreathssammy @extreme-supernatural-lover @lemonadegazeelle @mogaruke @winchestersmut @i-kdog-posts @steve-rogcrs @wordshowers @27bmm @jjsoccer11 @ivebeenraisedfromperdition @bluecookiesandbooks @disappointeddinosaur @nicolevanderstar @frayedphan @jared-jensen-misha-are-lovelyy @straightestgay-voice @legend-o-zelda @holysheeppanda @mynameisdesolation @to-stars-and-back @forevershadeddark @stonergirl4life95 @wxnchestervevo @captainemwinchester  @rosie-winchester 

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[wayward-marvel-sommer1196]

What He Didn’t Know

Pairing: Sam x Reader

Warnings: SPN canon violence, unexpected pregnancy, angst, language I think, I think that’s it. If I missed any let me know.

Word Count: 3697

A/N: I wrote this specifically for angst appreciation day so I hope it’s angsty enough for y’all. This story is basically a rewrite of the Season 5 finale Swan Song with added bits of the reader. So like the long conversations the guys have are directly from the episode so credit to the writers of the episode for that. I would also like to thank @idreamofhazel because she gave me a list of ideas that helped inspire this so thank you love. I’m unsure if I want to continue this or not so if you want more let me know.

Summary: You have been Sam’s girlfriend for years and are basically soulmates however you found out you are pregnant. Right when you are going to tell him, he tells you his plan of saying yes to being Lucifer’s vessel and jumping into the cage. What happens next? Does Sam find out about your pregnancy? Does he still take the fall?

***Italics are flashbacks***

Sorry I went crazy with the GIF’s I couldn’t help myself 

Three minutes had never felt like so long. You were sitting on the toilet seat while the stick sat on the counter. You had been feeling a little sick lately and you were a week late which for you was unusual. You weren’t sure what you were expecting. You weren’t sure which you wanted more a positive or a negative result. Both scared you because you always wanted kids, but in this life, you weren’t sure that was a great idea.

“Rriiinnnngggg!” Your three-minute alarm went off and you went to the counter. You cautiously picked up the stick and were stunned at the site of a plus sign. You were going to be a mom. More importantly, Sam was going to be a dad. Now all you had to do was figure out how and when you were going to tell him.

That was a week ago, you still hadn’t told him. You hadn’t told anyone. You considered not having it because of the oncoming apocalypse and all, but you could never do that. Now, Sam had this suicidal plan to stop Lucifer and this wasn’t the right time to add any more stress on him.

"Sam, you can’t honestly be considering this," you said.

"Y/N, this is the only way we can stop Lucifer and the apocalypse. We can't let this continue. I can't let this continue. I'm the reason Lucifer is out in the first place. I let myself get tricked by a demon and now the whole will suffer because of my mistake. The least I can do is sacrifice myself for the entire world," Sam said.

"What about your life Sam? What about the people you save? What about the people who love you? Did you ever stop to consider that? You know Dean can't live without you. Hell, the man sold his own soul to bring you back to life. He needs you, Sam.”

"Y/N, he'll just have to learn to deal. It's either me or the whole world. There's no comparison there. You heard the angels, this is what they want. They aren't going to help. They aren't going to try and stop it. I need you to understand that I have to do this, unless you have another way to defeat Lucifer I'm all ears."

"Just give us a little more time and maybe we can think of something. We can't just give up."

"That's just it Y/N, we are out of time and we have tried everything else. This is our only option. I have to say yes to Lucifer and jump into the cage."

"What about me, Sam? Huh? Did you ever stop and think how this would affect me? I love you. You are my best friend and my soul mate. What am I supposed to do without you?" you said as you put a hand on your stomach and sighed.

Sam looked at you and tears started to fall down his cheeks. He grabbed your shoulders and pulled you into a bone crushing hug. He kissed the top of your head and said, "I going to need you to move on, ok?" He pulled you away and held your chin between his thumb and finger. "I love you too so, much you have no idea. I used to think that Jess was my soulmate until I met you. Once you walked into my life everything got so much better. You were this beautiful, badass, hunter that was way out of my league. The day you said yes to go out with me was one of the best days of my life. Believe me when I say leaving you is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. But, this is my mess and I have to clean it up. My only wish is that you get out of this life and go be happy somewhere with someone, ok?"

You couldn’t speak through the sobs that were starting to wrack through your body so you just nodded. You didn’t agree with him or this plan, but he was a Winchester and you knew there was no talking him out of it. So, you just wrapped your arms around him and sobbed into his chest and thought about the fact that your child was going to grow up without a father.

Next was Dean. Sam knew he would be hard to crack, that’s why when Dean said yes, Sam was stunned. Honestly, Dean wasn’t thrilled with this plan, but after talking with Bobby, he knew he had to push his selfish needs aside and do what was best for the world.

"Truth is.... you know watching out for you.... Its kinda been my job, you know? But more than that it's...it's kinda who I am. You're not a kid anymore, Sam, and I can't keep treating you like one. Maybe I got to grow up a little, too. I don't know if we got a snowball's chance. But....I do know that if anyone can do it...it’s you," Dean said.

"Thank you," Sam replied.

"If this is what you want...is this really what you want?"

"I let him out. I got to put him back in."

"Okay. That's it then."

You, Sam, Dean, and Bobby grabbed and packed up all the supplies you needed. Dean and Bobby deduced that the devil was in Detroit so y'all took off and headed there. During the ride, you passed out with your hand on your stomach in the back seat along with Cas while the guys had the conversation Dean knew was coming.

"Hey, um...on the subject, there's something I got to talk to you about," Sam said.

“What?” Dean replied.

“This thing goes our way and I... triple lindy into that box...you know I’m not coming back.”

“Yeah, I’m aware.”

“So, you got to promise me something.”

“Okay. Yeah. Anything.”

“You got to promise not to try and bring me back and not let y/n either.”

“What? No, I didn’t sign up for that and neither did she.”

“Dean- “

“Your hell is gonna make my tour look like Graceland. You want me and y/n just to sit by and do nothing?”

“Once the cage is shut, y’all can’t go poking at it, Dean. It’s too risky.”

“No, no, no, no, no. As if I’m just gonna let you rot in there.”

“Yeah, you are. You don’t have a choice.”

“You can’t ask us to do this,” Dean said as he looked through the rearview mirror at you still sleeping.

“I’m sorry Dean, you have to.”

“So, then what are we supposed to do?”

“You go find Lisa. You pray to God she’s dumb enough to take you in, and you have barbecues and go to football games. You go live some normal, apple pie life, Dean. You watch out for y/n, make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid and help her move on. Promise me.”

You arrived at the abandoned building and watched Sam say his goodbyes to Bobby and saw Bobby tearing up. Next was Cas who, poor guy, didn’t really get that in this situation, you tell the person what they want to hear, so he kind of made things worse. Then Sam turned to you, his eyes sunken in and pain written all over his face. His grabbed your face and pulled you in for one last kiss. It was soft yet rough, desperate yet passionate, loving yet regretful. It was like he was pouring all his emotions into that one kiss. You felt his tears start to roll as yours did too and when he let go, he gave you one last squeeze and turned to Dean at the trunk. Then it was time for Sam to drink the demon blood and you looked back at Dean, who had a sullen face, and he walked towards you and hugged you as Sam didn’t want anyone to watch him drink the blood.

You opted to stay behind with Cas and Bobby outside while Dean went with Sam, knowing you wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Dean came out of the building with tears in his eyes, but you could tell by the look on his face that something wasn’t right.

"It didn’t work," Dean said.

“What do you mean?” you asked as the tears started rolling again.

“Sam wasn’t strong enough. Lucifer knew about the rings and took control of Sam before he could make the jump and then just disappeared,” he said as he came towards you engulfing you in his arms while you both cried.

As the shit hit the fan and the whole world started to crumble, you and Dean looked to Cas and Bobby for anything that could stop this or at least where it was going down. You got neither information nor support from either of them. So, you and Dean decided to make a phone call to Chuck in which you found out the fight was taking place the next day at high noon at Stull Cemetery in Lawrence, Kansas.

When you were both approached by Cas and Bobby, they knew you had a stupid plan and tried to talk you out of it. Dean fought them on it because it was Sam, but Cas insisted you wouldn’t be able to reach him. But, if you already lost then you’ve really got nothing to lose, right? That's when Cas said, “The only thing you’ll see is the person you both love being killed by Michael.”

"Well, then we aren’t gonna let him die alone," you both replied.

With that, Dean looked at Cas and Bobby almost hoping that they would change their minds, but they didn’t. He then looked at you with a sorrowful look and tears welling in his eyes to which you nodded and both headed to the cemetery.

You pulled up to the cemetery seeing Michael, in Adam's body, and Lucifer, in Sam’s body, squaring off. Dean put in his Def Leopard tape, revved Baby's engine and drove towards them. You both got out and Dean said, “Sorry, are we interrupting something?”

You both approached Sam saying you needed to talk at which Lucifer just called you both stupid. Then, Michael jumped in and Dean tried to apologize to Adam if he could hear him, but Michael just sassed Dean so he said that Michael is next on his list.

Out of nowhere when Michael started yelling and approaching you and Dean you heard, "Hey, ass-but," and turned to see Cas Molotov Michael and Bobby standing there with him. "He will come back and he will be angry, but you got your five minutes," Cas said and you and Dean nodded your heads appreciatively.

Suddenly, Lucifer turned around pissed at Cas for molotoving his brother and snapped his fingers basically exploding Cas causing you and Dean to jump and Bobby to look like he was about to pee his pants.

“Sammy, can you hear me?” Dean said.

“You know I tried to be nice...for Sammy’s sake. But you...are such a pain...in my ass,” Lucifer said as he threw Dean back into Baby smashing the windshield.

Bobby pulled out the colt and as you tried to tell him no he fires off a shot into Sammy’s back and then his chest when he turned around. That pissed Lucifer off even more so he twisted his hand and snapped Bobby’s neck making you and Dean shout. He then grabbed Deans left leg, dragged him off Baby’s hood and effectively landed a punch to his jaw making him spew blood.

You ran to Dean's aid despite his look pleading you not to.

“Sammy? Are you in there?” you asked.

“Oh, he's in here all right,” Lucifer said as he landed a punch into your jaw. “And he’s going to feel the snap of yours and Dean’s bones,” he continued as Dean stepped in the way to receive the punch headed towards you.

You proceeded to watch helplessly as Lucifer beat Dean saying he was going to take his time occasionally looking back at you to remind you that you are next.

He continued to beat the life out of Dean making his face leak blood and swell tremendously as Dean said, “Sam it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here. I’m here, I’m not going to leave you.” Lucifer lands a few more blows. You stepped in by Dean and you both said, “We’re not gonna leave you.”  

Something caught Lucifer’s eye or was it Sam’s eye? You couldn’t tell. His fist was still held in the air ready to lock with Dean’s face for another blow. You looked to wear he was staring. It was at the little army guy he shoved into the car door ashtray as a kid. You could see the memories rushing back through his head allowing Sam to take back control.

His fist unclenched and he gasped letting Dean go and stepping back. Dean was on the ground sitting up against baby face bloody and swollen and you were sitting right next to him holding on to his arm.

“It’s ok guys. It’s gonna be okay. I’ve got him,” Sam said as he took the horsemen rings out of his pocket and started chanting the spell.

The ground opened and started sucking in the ground around it. You and Dean looked at Sam who was already looking back at you with pain in his eyes. He looked back at the hole than back at you. He took a few deep breaths and nodded his head. You saw a tear run down his cheek as he took one last glance at you and mouthed an ‘I love you’. He then looked back at the hole.

“Sam,” you hear as you looked and saw Michael. “It’s not gonna end this way. Step back!”

“You’re gonna have to make me!” Sam shouted.

“I have to fight my brother, Sam! Here and now! It’s my destiny!”

Sam looked to you and Dean one very last time gaining the courage he needed and closed his eyes to fall back into the hole. However, Michael grabbed him midfall, so Sam grabbed his arm and pulled Michael down with him into the cage.

As soon as they fall, there’s a bright flash and the ground closed. Dean stared at the rings that now sat in that place, closed his eyes, crawled over to the rings and picked them up. He sat on his knees with his shoulders slumped looking down to the ground. You came up behind him and wrapped your arms around his midsection from behind and leaned your head against his back.

Suddenly, you felt a presence and saw an intact Cas standing behind you fully powered. He placed his fingertips on Deans forehead healing him and then to yours healing you. He then walked over to Bobby and healed him bringing him back to life.

Dean looked down at the rings in his hands with a face full of sorrow and then looked at you. He saw the tears start to begin again in your eyes and grabbed you and wrapped you in a hug while you sobbed into his chest. He shushed you and held the back of your head with his hand, telling you everything was going to be ok.

You, Dean, and Cas were all in the Impala on your way to back to Bobby’s, when Cas decided he was going to return to heaven to help calm the anarchy. You and Dean scoffed and Dean got angry at Cas saying that God was no help and he was next on Dean’s list.  

"Where's our grand prize, all I got is my brother in a hole and all y/n got was a broken heart,” Dean said.

“Dean...” you tried to interrupt.

“You got what you asked for Dean. No paradise. No hell. Just more of the same. I mean it, Dean. What would you rather have? Peace or freedom?” with that Cas disappeared.

“You really suck at goodbyes, you know that?” you said talking to an empty seat in front of you.

You and Dean arrived at Bobby’s and said your goodbyes for now. Bobby pulled Dean into a hug and Dean reciprocated. Bobby whispered something into Dean’s ear that you were not quite able to catch. They let go and Bobby turned to you and pulled you into a hug and whispered, "You take care of yourself y/n and look after him. You’ll both need each other.” You nodded your head and gave him one last squeeze before you and Dean got back into the Impala and headed out.

As you jumped back onto the road you realized you had no idea where you were going.

“Dean, where are we going?” you asked.

“I made Sam a promise that I would take care of you and have a normal, apple pie life,” he said.

“Okay, so where exactly is that apple pie life?”

“Lisa’s.”

“Okay, well I can see why she would let you in, but she barely knows me. Where do I go?”

“Look y/n, you are family. I didn’t need to promise Sammy that I was going to take care of you. I was already planning on it. And Lisa is a good woman, you know that. She wouldn’t just leave you on her door step.”

You nodded when all the sudden you started to get that sick feeling again. You had been able to hide it thus far, but with all the strain you had put your body through with all the emotions, you weren’t strong enough to suppress the sickness.

“Dean, pull over.”

“Why? We have a lot of driving to do.”

“Dean, I SAID PULL OVER GOD DAMN IT!!!”

“Okay. Okay,” Dean said as he pulled to the side of the empty country road.

You jumped out of the car and hunched over puking your guts out. You were barely able to make it out the car when you couldn’t hold back any longer. Dean came running over to you when you began heaving.

“Hey, hey sweetheart, easy now,” he said as he put his hand on your back and started rubbing soothing circles.

When you were finished, you wiped your mouth with you hand and turned to face Dean, who was already there to hug you. As the tears started falling again he grabbed you and held onto you as tight as he could. He knew how much he hurt, he couldn’t imagine what you were going through. “It’s going to be ok, sweetheart. I got you. Everything’s going to be fine,” Dean said his voice cracking trying to convince himself as much as you.

“No, it’s not, Dean. Nothing about this is ok. I didn’t tell him. I should’ve told him,” you staring panting trying to get all the words out but just sounded like you were rambling.

“Tell him what? That you love him? He knew that y/n. He- “

“I’m pregnant,” you said as you started sobbing and holding your stomach.

“Wait, what?”

“I’m pregnant and I-I-I,” you couldn’t quite get the words out.

“He didn’t know?” Dean asked and you shook your head no.

“I just found out last week and with everything going on I didn’t want to add stress to the situation, but now…”

“Y/N...” Dean said with a sympathetic face. “You should have told him,” he said calmly, not judging you or berating you. “But I get it. I do. And look, look at me sweetheart,” Dean said and you lifted your head to look in his beautiful green eyes. “I’m here for you. You won’t be in this alone. I may not be Sam or he father, but I will be the best damn uncle to the munchkin and the best damn brother you need. Okay?” Again, you nodded your head and you both crawled back into the Impala.  

You both pulled up to Lisa's house. It was dark and was starting to rain as you approached the door and Dean knocked. Dean hoped she’d take him and you in, while you just hoped she wouldn’t think you a burden. You had nowhere else to go and you had met Lisa before. Dean introduced you when you had to save Ben from the changeling, so you hoped she would offer you a helping hand, not that she had any reason to.

“Hey Lisa,” Dean said as you just stood behind him.

“Oh, thank god. Are you alright?” Lisa said as she looked around and noticed you.  

“Yeah. Uh if it’s not too late, I... think I’d like to take you up on that beer.”

“It’s never too late,” she said as she motioned for you to come closer. She saw the dried-up tear stains on your face. “What about you sweetie?” she asked.

“I can’t really have a beer, but if I could join you that would be nice. I don’t really have anywhere else to go,” you said hugging your body out of nervousness.

She reached out and hugged you and then grabbed Dean and hugged him as she said, “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

You both go inside and she gets dean some whiskey and you a water as you explained to her your predicament. She smiled at you sadly and said, “If you need any help let me know. I don’t on my own with no help so I know how it can be.”

Ben had come down stairs and you got reacquainted with him and you all settled at the table while Lisa put out the dinner she had made. You and Dean put on fake smiles believing that if you’d fake it long enough that eventually it would become true.

However, what you both were unaware of was a few yards outside that front window stood Sam staring at y’all. He decided it was best that he just let you guys live your lives. He believed you were better off thinking he was dead or rather still in the cage.

What he was unaware of was that you were sitting there 3 months pregnant with his child in turmoil on what you were going to do.

Tag list: Let me know if you want on. (It’s a general spn tag list fyi)

@jensen-jarpad @sisterwinchesterwriter @27bmm @deanjensengirlmaggie @lenaabs @a-fan-fighting-for-equality

[thing-you-do-with-that-thing]

Her Last Goodbye

Characters: Jensen Ackles, Y/N Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Misha Collins, Jensen and Y/N’s families mentioned.  

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Warnings: Character death -  aside from that I will list the warnings in the tags since I don’t want to give anything away.      

Word Count: 2300ish

A/N: Hey guys welcome to SPN Angst Appreciation Day 2017 - I hope y’all are ready to cry. As one of your hosts I thought it was my duty to do my best to make sure you go to bed with puffy eyes tonight so I am posting 3 brand new one shots in honor of this day. This is number 3.

It is also written for @impalaimagining Angst Challenge - My prompt was Kodaline’s All I Want.

Thanks a billion to my sassy lil sis @mysupernaturalfics for betaing angst for me

***My fics are not to be saved nor posted on any other sites without my express written permission.***  

Jensen closed the door after practically having had to shove Jared through it. Being his best friend, he hadn’t wanted to leave. Jared didn’t like Jensen being alone, but damn he needed it. All Jensen could think about while the house was buzzing around him was to be alone. He didn’t feel a damn thing when people walked up to him, offering their condolences. The last time the house was this full stuck on his mind.

Jensen had rolled his eyes at her, offering up one expensive venue after another. He wanted her to have it all, but Y/N had refused. She wanted them to get married at the small church they went to every Sunday when he was at home and she wanted the reception to be at home. Finally Jensen had caved and Y/N had, had the wedding her way. Off course she had been right. It had been perfect, small and intimate. It had fit them better than the extravagant wedding Jensen had wanted to give her.

Jensen didn’t see the darkly dressed people in his living room. Not really anyway. He saw her and the way she spun around the floor dancing and laughing with everyone from his dad, her dad, his brother to Jared and Misha. Jensen loved watching her from afar and he had done so from the longest of times until he finally made his way across the floor, when the music changed to a slower tune, laying a gentle hand on Misha’s arm.

“Can I cut in?” Jensen asked and Misha instantly nodded, giving his friend a tight hug before leaving the floor.

“I thought you’d forgotten about me,” Y/N teased as Jensen pulled her close, slowly swaying to the music and Jensen tenderly pressed his lips against hers. He loved how perfectly she fit in his arms and the way she would always lean into his touch. He smiled down at her, and his heart almost stopped. She was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. Y/N was practically glowing as she looked up at him. He couldn’t remember ever seeing her this happy and in that moment he vowed he would do everything within his power to keep her like this forever.

“I could never forget about you,” he promised, making her face light up in the brightest of smiles before he made her squeal with laughter as he spun her around the room, dipping her to the floor and kissing her again.  

“I could never forget about you,” those words rung over and over in Jensen’s head as soon as the door closed behind Jared. For the first time in a week, he was truly alone. The past few days someone had stayed over. If not his mom, then Y/N’s, McKenzie or Jared. It was as if everyone had agreed never to leave him alone and it had taken Jensen almost screaming at his best friend to leave him now, when it was all over.

The silence was deafening now and he almost tore the door back open, screaming for Jared to come back, but he couldn’t. This was something he was going to have to go through. He took a deep breath before walking through the house that seemed to be filled with bad memories now.

The living room where she had dropped a vase out of the blue for no reason for the first time, the kitchen where she had cut herself and screamed at him she needed to be able to atleast do some things on her own, when he had tried to help her, the bathroom where she had fallen in the shower and Jensen had to lift her off the floor and carry her back to bed, only a few weeks ago. The bedroom where he had held her as she cried after that incident and the first time she had expressed to him a wish to leave this world on her own terms. It had scared the shit out of him and he had refused to talk about it. Something he had regretted every moment for the past week. If he had only listened to her that night, maybe she would still be here. Maybe he wouldn’t have found her lifeless in their bed with the open bottle of pills on the night table. Maybe at the very least he could have been with her, she wouldn’t have had to go on her own.

The blame and guilt had been overwhelming over the past few days and it had been all he had been able to focus on. Had he just listened, taken her serious. Told her that he wanted her and loved her. Told her that no matter what was going to happen he would never leave her, he would always be there for her, loving her every step of the way. Had he just spoken up, maybe his wife would still be alive and waiting for him in their bed.

Jensen felt his legs give out from under him as he reached their bedroom, his knees hitting their the floor as the room came into vision. The bed was big and empty, but he could still see her lying there. He could still remember how cold she had felt when he had clung to her, screaming out her name, begging for her to come back. Begging for her not to leave him. He gasped for air, struggling to breath properly as he tried replace that memory with a happy one in his mind, but even than hurt.

Y/N squealed when Jensen pulled her back in bed, instantly rolling over her and pinning her beneath him as his lips trailed down her neck.

“Jay!! I am meeting with Mac and Gen in a few hours,” she laughed, struggling halfheartedly beneath him.

“You’re newly wed. You’re allowed to be late,” Jensen teased, hating that the honeymoon had ended. They hadn’t been back home for more than a few days and he already missed staying in bed with her all day. Their friends and family wanted to see tham and all Jensen wanted was to be with her. Touching, kissing, talking. He wanted her to never leave his arms, but Y/N had other plans.

He had always been completely under her spell. Even as friends when they were both seeing other people, there had never been anything he wouldn’t do for her. She had always been his first priority even if it had taken him years and failed relationships to realize that. He still remembered the surprised look on her face when he had finally grown the balls to ask her out, he still remembered how nervous he had been the entire day before picking her up. The first kiss and how everything seemed to fall into place as their lips met. She had given herself to him that night and from that moment on he had never let her go. Dating had turned into engagement. Engagement to marriage and Jensen had never been happier than he was holding her, kissing her, touching her. She was his entire would and he was happy to let the outside fade away for a few more days, staying hidden away from reality with her in his arms.

Jensen growled when she finally managed to slip out from under him, but his annoyance was sort lasted. Y/N didn’t bother to get dressed, instead her hips swayed as she showed off her soft, very naked body to him, turning around in the bathroom door, crooking her finger at him and Jensen was out of bed so fast his head was spinning.

Jensen would never have that again. He would never feel her soft, warm body moving beneath him. He would never wake up in the middle of the night, feeling happy and content as she snuggled closer to him in her sleep, practically lying on top of him. He had never loved anyone the way that he loved her. She had been his best friend and the love of his life. They had wanted a family together, a dream that had been shattered instantly when the doctor’s had made their diagnoses. ALS. Y/N didn’t have more than a few years left and even if a baby was technically possible, Y/N had refused. She didn’t wanna leave her kid without a mom and Jensen had respected her wishes. All he wanted was her after all and he had never stopped looking for a treatment. He had never stopped talking to doctors all over the world fighting to find some miracle cure, he deep down knew didn’t exist.   

Y/N had wanted to live as normal as possible and she didn’t take about the disease much. Jensen brought her with him to Vancouver to shoot as often as possible and Y/N gave him that, knowing it was his way of spending as much of the time they had left together. He had no doubt in his mind this was eating at her as much as it was him. She lost everything she had ever wanted or dreamed about with one doctor’s appointment. A doctor’s appointment Jensen had forced her to go to in the first place, because even though she had always been clumsy she falling and the bruises were getting out of hand.

She had been quiet for a few days after, before announcing to him that she was still her. Telling him not to tell anyone before they had too and she didn’t want him to change around her. Jensen hadn’t. He had done everything the way she had wanted too. Not telling their families and friends for the first 6 months. He had struggled to pretend as if it was nothing every time she got hurt because she would get angry when he didn’t. He knew that she was struggling and he had tried the best he could to make it as easy as possible on her. He loved her and being there for her from day to day, had made him forget the fear of losing her. Most of the time anyway. The days he spent in Vancouver without her was literal hell. Not because he was afraid she would get hurt and him not being there, because Gen had promised to stay with her as much as possible and when she couldn’t Jensen knew she would arrange with Mac or Y/N’s mom to drop by. It was his mind. Being without her, reminded him of how it was going to be soon and still nothing had prepared him for what he felt in the moment she was actually gone.

It wasn’t the disease that had taken her from her. She had left him. If she had really loved him how could she have done that? Jensen felt the anger bubble in his veins as he screamed out for her into the empty bedroom. He screamed, missing the person he had been with her. She had brought out the best in him. Something he would never see again. She had been his everything and now she was gone. She had left him alone and Jensen wanted nothing more than to have her back. He hated her for not staying, for not fighting and at the same time he understood. He understood how much she had been struggling. Struggles that was on him. He should have been able to make it easier for her. He should have made her want to fight, to keep going, to stay with him.

Jensen had no idea how long he had been kneeling on the floor before he finally got up, dragging himself to the big, cold, empty bed. Placing himself on her side, breathing in the scent of her shampoo and perfume still lingering in the sheets, before slowly opening the night stand. He pulled out the letter he had been hiding. The letter he still hadn’t read. Tears streamed down his face as he unfolded the page, seeing her troubled handwriting.

Jensen… I know this is going to hurt you, and I am sorry. But no matter how this happens it will hurt you. I don’t want you having to clean and bath me. I don’t want you to become my caregiver. I love you and I want you to remember me the way that I was.

This is me setting us both free Jensen. My body is betraying me and it is starting to feel like a prison. I know how much you want a family and you will. You will find a girl who sees what I see. She will love you and she will give you children. You will be happy again Jay. I am so sorry, I couldn’t be the one to give you any of it. I am so sorry our love was cut short, but just know I will always love you and I will wait for you. Just take your time getting here okay? Live a long, happy life for me.

Forever yours.

Y/N.

Tears streamed down his face as he read her last goodbye. He read the letter over and over, before he curled up into a ball, wishing he could feel her wrapped around him again one last time. Wishing he could hear her voice or kiss her goodnight. Wishing he could tell her he didn’t want anybody but her and no matter how it ended he didn’t regret a single moment spend with her.

Jensen Tag Team

@mysupernaturalfics @blacktithe7 @percywinchester27 @torn-and-frayed @docharleythegeekqueen @hexparker @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester @feelmyroarrrr @starswirlblitz @akshi8278 @jpadjackles @crushing83 @Flufy07 @quiddy-writes @akshi8278 @sleep-silent-angel @d-s-winchester @fuckyeahfeysand @lenaabs @iamnotsaneatall @jpadjackles @petrovadixon @blanketmadeofstar @arryn-nyxx @winchesters-flannels @winchester-writes @ruprecht0420 @tas898 @emilywritesaboutdean @mogaruke @emoryhemsworth @tennesseewhiskey-and-pie @supernatural-jackles @jojo-nz @jojo-nz @riakie @adriellej @michirutenshi @dance4angels @charliebradbury1104 @jayankles @mouselovesmusic @jensenackesl @twistnshoutx @ivvitm1109 @sinbadcat83 @winchestdiaries @thebunkerismyhome @iwriteaboutdean @winchesterprincessbride @captainradicalpassion @redunicorn10 @brooke-supernatural16 @purgatoan @haleyhay96 @becauseimawinchester @deansbaekaz2y5 @mamapeterson @spn-fan-girl-173 @be-amaziing @sandlee44 @profkmoriarty13 @secretlyfurrydragon @bringmesomepie56 @sonofabitch-spn @gecko9596 @impala-dreamer @jensen-jarpad @deansleather @yoursmilemakesmeloveyou @icequeen1371 @phoenixia67 @chickenmcsade @chaos-and-the-calm67 @brihughes4 @aiaranradnay @angelsdeadromance @katarinfrost @castiels-broken-fool @bemyqueenofdarkness

[talesmaniac89]

Meet me back here in a year

Summary: Dean x Reader: Dean and the reader take a break for a year to sort out their heads and hearts.

Word Count: 4336

Triggers: Angst, Heartbreak, accidents, loss, missing each other, death

Y/N = Your name Y/H/C = Your hair colour Y/E/C = Your eye colour

A/N: Written for the SPN Angst Appreciation Day 2017 hosted by @thing-you-do-with-that-thing and @percywinchester27

One year earlier:

“You’re sure this is what you want (Y/N)?” Dean’s voice was only a whisper as you stood facing each other on the darkened country road. You could barely see him through the darkness, even with the headlights of your two cars lighting up the road in front of you. Still you knew from the shake of his voice that his features held the same agonising pain yours did.

“Yeah… Yes, it’s for the best,” You said, swallowing all the last minute objections you had as you finally put into action what you’d talked about for the last week. Finding his hand in the darkness you squeezed it, unwilling to let go as the silence dragged on.

“This is what we both agreed was the right choice Dean,” You said when the silence seemed endless to keep yourself from sobbing. Biting your lip you kept the unshed tears in your heart. You couldn’t cry, even if you wanted to. You had to stay strong, both of you.

“Yeah, it’s for the best,” Dean’s voice broke around the words as he tugged you closer by your entwined fingers until your foreheads were touching. Leaving no space between you. Nowhere to hide from the tears swimming in Dean’s green eyes as you shared a breath and a heartbeat. It took everything you had to not lean in and kiss him and call the whole thing off.

This was for the best. They were your own words, you had to believe them.

“One year,” You could barely get the two words out, they felt like a curse as they slipped by your lips. The very idea of them leaving you with a bitter aftertaste. One year, 365 days… It really was a curse.

“One year,” Dean echoed in agreement, though he didn’t let go of your hand or lift his head from where his forehead was resting against yours. Your words and promises only between the two of you.

“Meet me back here in a year,” You squeezed his hand, unwilling to add the conditions you had discussed to the goodbye. Not even wanting to say goodbye, the word seeming too final, as you tried to slip your shaking hand from his. Dean however didn’t seem ready to let go yet as he held on tighter to your hand. His breath shaky and green eyes red with tears he held back as he forced his them shut.

Tugging at your hand again you barely slipped it out of his before Dean’s hands were tangled in your (Y/H/C) hair and his lips were on yours in a hard kiss that gradually turned soft until it was nothing but the ghost of its former self. A kiss to seal your deal, your promise to each other.

Kissing him back you tried to memorise it all. His hand resting against the back of your neck, massaging away the tension you always carried there as the other arm wrapped tightly around your waist, as if he was attempting to mold you into a part of him.

Your kiss lasted what felt like a lifetime yet was probably no more than a few short seconds. A few seconds out of the 31 556 926 seconds you had to spend apart. When Dean finally moved his lips away from yours and let his arms fall weakly to his side it took all you had to not cry out at the loss. It felt as if someone had ripped away a part of you.

Unable to open your eyes right away you stood still with your hands curled into fists by your side. You kept your eyes shut, as if you were trying to stay in the moment. Like you’d woken up from a good dream and were trying to go back to the dreamy moment where Dean was kissing you. You needed the kiss ingrained into every part of you, to be able to survive for the coming year.

“See you right here, in a year,” Dean’s voice was hoarse after the quick goodbye kiss, and with your eyes still closed you could only hear the gravel crack and shift under his boots as he moved away from you. Forcing you to finally open them and watch him step back towards the impala.

Not trusting your voice anymore you just nodded before you turned back towards your own car. Still holding back the tears you focused on the headlights to burn away the teardrops that tried to rebel against your attempt at strength. You could cry and mourn the loss of the year once you were away from the road.

One year, then you would be back in his arms… You had to believe that to survive the next 12 months, hell to survive the walk over to your car. Reaching your car you looked back at Dean where he was watching you. You could no longer really see his features, the  headlights of the Impala blinding you as you barely saw the silhouette of the man before getting into your car as he got into his.

Both of you driving off in different directions on the empty country road. Leaving behind only a cloud of dust and a promise of a future.

One year… You’d be back in a year.

—

Reader:

One year had passed. One whole agonising year since you left Dean by the roadside. Both of you getting in your own cars and driving down different roads. A full rotation of torturous consequences to a mutual decision of minds, not hearts.

 You loved him, more than you had thought it possible to ever love a man, and God you hadn’t wanted to leave. You just needed some distance, both of you. The endless hunts, the close calls and the constant what ifs had been too much. You’d needed distance to find a balance that would keep you both alive as you tethered on the edge of destruction on a near daily basis.

The constant arguments and worrying that would happen with every close call was too much for both of your hearts and minds. You needed time to temper your glass hearts. To see how important and necessary you were to each other. So you took a year…

One year… And if you still felt the same way, if you were still the reason behind every rock ballad for Dean and he was still your favourite rockstar, then you would meet up on that dusty road again. If you still both existed, and you were still in love, then nothing else mattered.

It had been hell. Every second of every day. Like an unending torture session, where only keeping busy on cases or replacing his lips with a bottle could keep you from wincing as every heartbeat pushed the shrapnel of heartbreak, no matter how momentary, deeper into your chest. Still, you’d persevered. Through every damned day as days felt like years where Dean’s presence before had managed to make months feel like seconds.

Because even though it hurt, it was necessary. You had lost yourselves in each other when you were together. You had put civilians, Sammy and each other in danger. You had risked lives to save your hearts.

You needed to find yourself again, and Dean needed to find himself. That was the only reason for the year apart. Yet, now that you had found yourself you just wanted to be lost again. Without him the world was empty, meaningless. At least together you were lost in each other, now you were just lost and lonely. Without him even busy streets seemed deserted.

You missed him, no missing didn’t even begin to explain the deep fucking hurt you’d felt. Without Dean by your side you were the one missing. Your face plastered on milk cartons in your mind as you tried to remember how to smile, to speak. He was your best friend, your soulmate… He was the one you told everything to, without him you didn’t even feel like you had anything worth saying. You felt like a ghost of your former self. A cheap imitation.

He was like a song stuck on repeat in your head that echoed through your whole body, making every breath a gasp and every heartbeat a sob as you somehow kept yourself from reaching out and calling him. Just to hear his voice. It had been torture, worse than torture. But you knew for certain now, he was in your head forever, in your heart even longer than that, and he was supposed to be there.

Your year apart had been hell, but now that it was over you saw the need for it. Like the sun was finally rising after a year of starless night skies. You saw how destructive your fights had been, how much your love had blinded you when it came to your actual mission in life. And you knew how to fix it, together with him. Now you just needed to get back to him, because without him you were just a half of a whole. A gun without bullets, a smile without laughter, a dulled blade with no purpose or direction.

You had your year, but you were stronger together. With clear minds and stronger hearts you could face everything together. Hopefully he had reached the same conclusion and was on his way to you too. Back to the dusty road to meet again… One hellish year later.

—

Dean:

One fucked up, mess of a year. That was how long Dean had been missing you for. The break had been his idea, or at least he had been the one to vocalise it. You both needed a break, though the time apart had left Dean completely broken. Ever since the moment he turned the keys in the ignition and left you to drive in the other direction, he’d regretted the decision whilst simultaneously knowing he needed to do it. Needed to torture himself into clearing his mind.

He’d been crazy to actually want it, the break. You were the girl, the one. You were the one every damned song, movie and book talked about finding, his soul mate. The reason for every damned love song.

Dean had never really been all that into those overly romantic fluff songs. Sure, there were some really great classics that studied love as their main subject, a lot of music did really, but he’d always liked those songs more for their rhythm than their message. The guitar riffs and the heavy sound of the drums brought life into his body with their vibrations and made him feel real. They were vocal energy, that was all. The message in those songs, love and all of its many pitfalls, had never really appealed to him.

Still, that was all before you. Before you would sit next to him in the Impala singing along to ‘Whole Lotta Love’ and every other song in his extensive rock library. With you around he found he liked the love songs, the ballads. Because now, now all those songs were about you. Every new love song he’d ever hear, every song he’d ever heard… He’d dedicated them all to you from the moment he got to know you. Past, present, and future.

Still, Dean had been afraid. Afraid of breaking you, of ruining the goodness in you, of pulverising what was between you. He always ruined things, that was his useless superpower. Ruining the good in the world. And he’d been so damned close to doing so to you back then. Nearly throwing his life away during that last hunt just because you’d been in barely any danger at all. His voice had been raw from the verbal battles you both waged after almost every hunt. Everything, even the good moments had been darkened as his sore throat forced itself to swallow over half of what he wanted to say.

But now, now he saw that you were more that just his heart, a weakness to be protected like he protected his other weak spots in battle. He knew you were his home, his truth, and that he had to work with you, not just next to you. Without you he was homeless, and for the last year he’d been freezing to the bone in the hollow cardboard box that his heart had turned into without you. It had been a hellish year, but through it all Dean had only come to love you more.

Every night, the whole year, he’d found himself whispering the words he couldn’t tell you until you were together again into the dark air around him. Letting them fall gently from his lips like a secret too precious to be shared as he fought the urge to smile, cry, laugh, hell all of them at once.

“I love you,” He’d tell whatever motel room he was in, and he did. Even if everything else fell away. If the world itself fell to pieces around him, that was the one thing that wouldn’t change. It was the only constant. The only thing he could be 100 percent sure of. He loved you and nothing you could ever do, nothing he tried to do, would ever change that. He loved you. And that love, that was his truth. Even if it was a truth that momentarily couldn’t reach your ears.

And finally, after a full year alone, he would be back home again. Back on that dusty country road waiting for you, the road that would lead him home. And the first thing he would tell you, the first words you’d hear would be those words that he’d shared with the night air every night. I love you.

—

Reader:

He’d be there, you were sure of it. He was still your rockstar and every rockstar needed their song. Deep in your very being you felt it. Almost as if the year apart had somehow synced your heartbeats and you could feel his beat next to yours, creating a slightly irregular melody that would only get clearer once you were back together again.

Dean would show, he would wait for you at the road where you promised to meet a year ago. He would be looking down the road, waiting for signs of your cherry red car over the horizon. Leaning against his baby with his hands in his pockets and a hopeful smile on his lips that still didn’t really reach his eyes yet. Just like yours hadn’t lit up your (Y/E/C) eyes since you left him.

You knew he’d be early. Dean somehow always beat you to it when it came to meeting up outside of hunts or even getting ready for a beer. And every second you kept him waiting would hurt both of you. It would be a second too many in your already millions of seconds apart. It hurt to breathe around the thought of any more time spent apart. Your feelings rattling in your chest with every new forced breath.

Which was why you had to hurry. Hurry back to him, to his arms. So that he could kiss everything better, erase the self-inflicted scars on your heart with whispered love. Bring back colour and life to your body with the vibrato of his voice. You had to hurry, you had to.

You couldn’t accept any other outcome than Dean waiting for you back where you said goodbye to tell you welcome home. Any other outcome was too painful and you were already hurting. You’d both been waiting too long for the next hello. He was every beat of your broken heart, and damn it your heart couldn’t keep beating like that, out of touch with the rest of you, with him, for much longer.

His face was flashing in front of your eyes faster than you could even blink, his voice clear in your ears as your heart played a flashback reel of your moments together. Overlapped with a reel of your moments apart. Like a one man flash of your life in front of your eyes, everything was Dean.

It was your only option, always had been. You’d had to hurry, back to him… To the place where you would meet again, a year later. It was all just too fucking painful.

—

Dean:

It was getting cold out Dean noted. He hadn’t really felt anything, hot or cold, since you went your separate ways on the very same road he was standing off to the side on. But now that you were almost in his arms again his nerves were waking up from their dormant state.

You were late, but you were going to show… Weren’t you? You were always a little late, you moved to the beat of your own drum. And Dean loved that about you. Hell, he loved everything about you.

Leaning against the hood of the Impala he kept looking towards the same horizon you’d disappeared into a year ago. The sun had set and he had to squint, but he could still see it. He’d still be able to tell the moment you came over that endless line. You had to show, without you he wasn’t really whole, so you had to feel the same. How could you be whole without him if he was your half of the puzzle?

You were really late… Dean had been waiting since sunrise. Unable to hold himself back as he’d hurried to your meeting spot, kicking up dust and dropping the chains of heartbreak he’d carried for a year along the way. Still morning, afternoon and evening had passed without you showing. His smile weakening by the hour as Dean counted down the seconds in his mind. Hell, he didn’t even know how long he’d been waiting. In his hurry to return to you, to be able to fully breathe again, he’d left his phone behind at the motel together with Sammy.

Clenching his teeth together and locking his jaw Dean swallowed the sobs that were threatening to escape with every new minute that passed now. You were just late. He couldn’t let himself believe you wouldn’t show. Sure, he was all alone on the road, but you would show, and then he wouldn’t be alone anymore. He’d never be alone again.

This couldn’t be it. You hadn’t just stopped loving him, had you? Had his name slipped from your memory? Did it not echo in your head like yours did in his anymore? Kicking up the gravel Dean forced himself to try and stay positive. You were always a bit of a slowpoke when it came to meet ups. You had to be there. Without you he’d be homeless forever, nothing left but his cardboard box heart and an unsung love song.

—

The night was almost over… Yet he still had hope.

Pushing himself away from the hood of the car Dean took a few steps towards the horizon, almost as if he was going to walk to meet you. Or look for the mirrored wall that stopped him from seeing you and only reflected an empty road back at him though you were right there. Still, he got no further than a few steps before the sound of an engine reached him from the distance. The sweetest sound he’d ever heard.

Even though it was coming from the opposite direction he knew it could only be you. No one else, other than Sammy, would use that road, not when there was a highway that brought the impatient folks where they needed to go faster. Turning he looked up hopefully, shielding his eyes from the harsh headlights after staring into the darkness for too long. You were finally there.

Frowning when the car finally came into view Dean reached for the gun on his belt tentatively. That wasn’t your car. It was too new, too shiny, it looked like a rental. Still, he didn’t pull the gun out as he squinted against the harsh light, still hoping to see you silhouetted against them. Maybe your car broke down, maybe that was why you were so late.

Dean’s hope didn’t really leave him until the car turned off its headlights and Sam stepped out of the driver side making Dean drop the hand that had been reaching for his gun. Even then he foolishly held on to the scraps of it as his baby brother stepped closer to him on the gravel. Every step making the stones crack against each other and sounding like gunshots in Dean’s ears.

No Dean’s hope didn’t leave him until Sam’s sad furrowed brow and eyes red with tears came fully into view. He knew then, though he didn’t want to believe it. You weren’t coming, You were never coming home to him. You wouldn’t meet him by the country road, not that year, nor the next.

“Dean,” Sam’s voice was broken and hoarse as he finally spoke, but Dean shook his head as he took a step back.

“No,” Dean couldn’t get any other words out as the tempered glass heart in his chest broke into a million pieces. Every small gasp for air and attempt at words stabbing as his chest, forcing the broken shards that was his heart deeper into his lungs as he fought to stay alive.

Still, though it was only a word, Dean’s voice didn’t waver around it. He delivered it with force and conviction as he took another step away from his brother, whose tear stained eyes kept coming closer into view. He was a fighter, he had to remember that. A soldier.

“Dean, it’s (Y/N),” Sam’s voice was low, yet in Dean’s ears it sounded like an explosion. The end of the fucking world. His brother wouldn’t sound that sad and defeated if you’d just called to tell him you weren’t showing.

No, Dean couldn’t hear it. He wouldn’t hear it. You were coming, you were just late. You were always showing up fashionably late. Maybe you were stuck in traffic. Maybe you…

“Please just..”

“I said no damn it Sammy!” Dean’s voice was louder than intended as it broke over the words. Forcing his eyes shut Dean somehow managed to take a breath around the storm in his chest that was slowly suffocating him.

Behind painfully shut eyelids Dean saw you. Your smile, your light, your goddamned goodness. You were singing along to rock songs in your car, you were happy and you were on your way. You were just taking a little longer to reach him than planned that was all. Sam had just gotten some false info from somewhere. You were just…

“(Y/N) is on her way, she’s just late,” Dean’s words came out like the ramblings of a madman. Loud in the night air though they weren’t really meant for Sam, but for his own slowly diminishing sanity. A hope, the last strand he had left. He couldn’t lose that. He couldn’t lose you. “Just watch… She’ll come over that horizon… Any second now. She…”

“Dean please! She’s not coming. (Y/N)’s not coming she…” Sam’s voice carried a maddening undertone of pity and his words sounded like a eulogy Dean didn’t want to hear. You had to be coming, you promised. Walking over to the Impala, as if to run away from his brother’s words, Dean kicked out at the front tire before steadying himself on the hood of the ebony car. He couldn’t hear it, he wouldn’t.

“It was an accident… She was driving too fast. The window, the force it…” Sam still continued, deaf to his older brother’s silent pleas. His words more sobs than actual words as he broke the older hunters heart even further until nothing but dust was left to blend into the dusty road around them.

“Don’t say it Sam. Don’t you fucking say it,” Dean’s voice was nothing but a raspy plea as he shut his eyes again, as if that could keep the truth out, could keep you alive. You had to be alive. He couldn’t believe anything else, not if he wanted to stay sane. Not if he wanted to continue breathing. He didn’t know how he survived day to day before you, he wouldn’t be able to survive even a moment more if you weren’t even on the same damn planet as him anymore.

“I’m sorry Dean. I’m so sorry, (Y/N)’s gone,” Sam sobbed, his voice broken and defeated as he was still forced to deliver the news to the already broken soldier in front of him. Even if voicing your death was the same as signing off on Dean’s own death warrant. Or at least the death of the hunter's already fragile heart.

Dean’s wordless roar, the scream as the last of his humanity left him, as his heart exploded and his mind followed suit, echoed on the empty road you’d never drive down again. His legs crumpling under him as he lost the will to stand and welcomed the solid harshness of the stones below him.

Hands in his hair, Dean tried to block out the truth by letting the shaking heels of his hands push against his eyes. He didn’t want to hear it. No, he wanted to keep believing. Yet only sobs and breathless screams left him as he tried to believe in your words from one year ago. All whilst the last pieces of him fell apart on the road and he screamed for what felt like hours until he had no voice left to scream with.

He’d meet you again. He had promised you, you would meet in a year unless you had a change of heart. And though his was a useless pile of dust his hadn’t changed, so he would keep his promise. He would meet you again. Even if it wasn’t on that damned road. He would meet you again.

In heaven or in hell, he’d find you and he would finally be home again.

Tags:  @auszimbo @upon-a-girl @gallifreyansass @mogaruke @skybinx-blog  @delisp @jensen-jarpad @supernatural-jackles @deathtonormalcy56  @27bmm​ @wildfirewinchester​ @just-another-busy-fangirl​  @ecsj​  @imboredsueme

[spn-fan-girl-173]

Take It Easy On My Heart

Characters: Reader (Y/N), Sam, Dean, Lisa (mentioned)

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: ANGST

Word count: 2010 (with lyrics) 

Prompt: Song Mercy by Shawn Mendes 

A/N: It’s written for @thevioletthourr‘s “Fif’s Milestone Challenge” as well as  SPN Angst Appreciation Day 2017. I hope you guys enjoy. I tried my best :) Feedback is appreciated. 

Beta: @deantheotherkingofkinks Thanks a lot for the eleventh hour editing! :) 

My Masterlist

She hadn’t seen Dean Winchester for years and now here she was, sitting right in front of the man who she used to love - or maybe she still did.

“So, Y/N, how’s life been?” Sam asked taking a sip from his beer.

“Good… Good. Yeah. Pretty good,” she swallowed a big gulp from her bottle, “You guys tell me, I mean you have been hunting more than me.”

“Well, we’ve met god and his sister and something tells me that’s way more than hunting,” Sam said as if he was proud of himself.

“That sounds crazy, even though I know about hunting,” She said, now her eyes met Dean, “So, Dean, I heard about the mark and you becoming a demon. Is that all true?”

“What do you think?” Dean shot her a wink.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” she chuckled.

“Where do you live, Y/N?” Sam asked, “Have settled yet with someone?”

She smiled, “Naah. I’m a lone wolf. Motels do for me.”

“Oh, then why don’t you come visit us, now that you’re in town.” Sam offered her with a generous smile on his face. After all she was once his best friend and not to forget his brother’s girlfriend.

“Sammy’s right. We’ve got a bunker. You won’t believe it. There’s a library, our very own kitchen, big bathrooms with amazing water pressure and oh, not to forget the dungeon.” Dean said in excitement.

Her eyes went wide on the last part, “A dungeon? Really? I’ve gotta visit the place.”

But the very moment the words were said out loud she regretted saying that, because of the history she shared with the Winchesters.

  ~ Flashback ~

 “You’re so amazing Y/N,” Dean said in awe, looking at her, “I don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t say that,” Y/N propped her head off his chest to look him in his eyes, “you deserve every happiness in this world, Winchester.”

“And you do know that my happiness is with you, right?” Dean said.

She blushed at his question, “Yeah, Dean, I know. I just hope it remains this way.” She started tracing patterns on his t-shirt, with her finger.

“It’s gonna be this way,” Dean pulled her even more close to him and kissed her forehead, “forever.”

 ~ Flashback Ended ~

 But it never remained that way. It just got worse.

“Where did your mind wander off, Y/N?” Sam asked when he saw Y/N absently looking at the wall behind him.

“Umm… Nowhere,” Y/N brushed Sam off, “you know what guys? I think it’s not really a great idea to visit your bunker. I’m sorry.”

“Why not?” Dean asked, and she wondered how could he be so normal about everything that happened. Even if it was years back. Maybe because it was a casual thing for him to say that he loved someone and then leave them one day.

“I don’t know, Dean. Maybe because of the past we share,” she bursted when she couldn’t control the anger in her anymore, “I don’t know if you remember, but I’m not exactly “love ‘em and leave ‘em” type.”

 ~ Flashback ~

 “What happened to us, Dean?” Y/N said pulling at Dean’s elbow making him look at her, “we never had fights like this before and now we fight all the time. What changed, Dean? Tell me.”

“I don’t know, okay? Maybe you’re just overreacting.” Dean’s voice was low.

“Overreacting!?” Y/N’s eyes were wide like she couldn’t believe what Dean was saying, “You were flirting with that waitress so shamelessly. I had to remind you that your girlfriend is sitting right next to you. And you’re telling me I’m overreacting? And it’s not just today, Dean, you don’t talk to me anymore. You don’t look at me like you used to, hell, you try to avoid me as much as you can.”

Dean said nothing, just lowered his head.

“Dean, I’m trying here, as much as I can to save this relationship and you’re just pushing me away. Have I done something wrong?” Tears were welling in her eyes now, “Did I hurt you in anyway? Tell me, Dean.”

“You know, Y/N I’m not the settling kinda guy. And I can’t do it anymore. I can’t give you a happy apple pie life.”

“And I’m not asking for it!” Y/N shouted.

“I know you’re not but I also know that you want it and I can’t give you that,” Dean stated.

“Yes. I want it, I mean what girl doesn’t, Dean? But I can compromise. I am compromising. Please don’t go away from me,” Y/N pleaded.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I can’t. Even if I stay with you I know I won’t be able to make any of this better. We are better on our own,” Dean said looking straight into her glistening eyes.

“No,” Y/N gasped, “No. Dean please.”

“I’m sorry.” And with that he left her, all alone.

She cried that whole night. She couldn’t believe that the guy she was planning her future with just left her like that. She was with him in every hard time. When Sam died, when Dean sold his soul for his brother and even when Dean went to hell she didn’t forget him. She waited for him. When he came back from hell she supported her as much as she can. And all those nights when Dean had nightmares she was there to soothe him. But he still left him.

Y/N thought that maybe he was doing it for her. Maybe he wanted her to be safe and the situation he was in with being angel’s vessel was not really safe. That’s right maybe he needed a break. She’d give him that and then she’d return to him.  

            You've got a hold of me

            Don't even know your power

            I stand a hundred feet

            But I fall when I'm around you

            Show me an open door

            Then you go and slam it on me

            I can't take anymore

            I'm saying baby

            Please have mercy on me

            Take it easy on my heart

            Even though you don't mean to hurt me

            You keep tearing me apart

~ Flashback End ~

 Dean was looking at her in agape. That was something he didn’t expect from her because she seemed cool the whole evening after the accidental encounter.

Sam cleared his throat sensing the awkward tension between the two.

“I respect that, Y/N,” Dean said, ever so calmly, “But let us know if you change your mind.”

He wanted to say so much more than that. He wanted to apologize for leaving her years ago but he couldn’t do it. So he went with ending the conversation there and leaving the bar.

 “Y/N, your relationship with Dean didn’t end on good terms but you have to realize that I was your best friend and 5 years back when you left us, I told you that I’ll still be your friend and I’m saying that again,” Sam’s squeezed Y/N’s hand assuring his words were true, “I’m inviting you to visit us as a friend. Let’s just forget about the bad things in the past.”

Y/N scoffed.

How easily he said to forget the past. She knew she couldn’t forget the past. She tried doing that for years now but every moment was engraved in her memory and was unerasable.

She looked up Sam who was giving her his best puppy dog eyes and that made Y/N smile.

“Alright, Winchester,” she chuckled, “you know I can’t resist this look.”

“Great let’s go then.”

She knew this wasn’t the right decision and she wasn’t strong enough to not show Dean that she still loved him but she didn’t trust him anymore.

 “Wow. These are a lot of books. I’m impressed by these Men of letters,” Y/N said looking around in the library.

Sam chuckled, seeing that she still had interest in reading.

“Alright, make yourself home. I’m gonna go shower,” Sam left the library.

Y/N was looking through the books when she heard a knock on the library door. She turned around expecting Sam to be there but he wasn’t. It was Dean.

“So you like any of the books?” Dean asked Y/N sitting on the chair.

“Yeah, they are pretty good,” Y/N put the book into the rack back and turned towards Dean, “they surely help you guys a lot with research.”

“Actually they do, and research is something you were a pro on, right?” Dean said looking at Y/N as she sat in the chair in front of him, “I mean you and Sammy did very well together.”

“No doubt, it was fun. I miss that,” Y/N said.

“Well you can hunt with us, like before, I mean,” Dean said with a hope in his voice, “the bunker has plenty of room in it.”

“Dean, that’s not really a great idea. I don’t think we can be like what we were before,” Y/N said shaking her head.

“Alright, so where have you been all these years? You didn’t contact once,” Dean asked Y/N.

“It’s really none of your business,” Y/N snapped.

“Sweetheart,” Dean tried to reach for Y/N’s hand. But she pulled away.

“Don’t, Dean,” she said pointing a finger towards him, “Don’t sweetheart me. I’m not gonna let you in this time. Because you are gonna chicken away like you did years back.”

“Y/N, I thought we were over it,” Dean said.

“You betrayed me Dean! I thought you needed time, you were stressed but no. You just wanted to get rid of me!” Y/N shouted.

“What makes you think that?” Dean said, confused by what she was saying.

 ~ Flashback ~

 She was so worried about Dean when she came to knew about Sam going to the cage. She knew that Dean couldn’t live without his brother. So she thought about returning to him. So she could be his support when he needed it. It was the right time.

Finally she tracked him, living a very happy “apple pie life” that he said he couldn’t give it to her with a beautiful lady and a teenage boy who was probably that lady’s child. At that moment her heart broke beyond repair. She couldn’t believe her eyes, she had lost the love of her life and that very moment she promised herself to be strong and never look back at her past.

  ~ Flashback End ~

 “I saw you happy, Dean living an apple pie life with that girl Lisa,” she said looking at him with her eyes filled with hurt and anger, “you said you couldn’t give me that but the actual reason you left me that night was that you were done with me. And now I’m done with you.” She said as if she was convincing herself more than him that she was over him. But deep down she knew she would still sacrifice her life in a moment for him. After all she loved him.

Dean couldn’t make his words when she walked towards library door. If he wanted he would have stopped her, made her stay, but he just kept standing there looking at the door, thinking it was too late. But little did he knew, she still loved her and just his apology would have made her stay and live her life with him.  

                 Consuming all the air inside my lungs

               Ripping all the skin from off my bones

               I'm prepared to sacrifice my life

               I would gladly do it twice

              Consuming all the air inside my lungs

              Ripping all the skin from off my bones

              I'm prepared to sacrifice my life

              I would gladly do it twice

              Oh, please have mercy on me

              Take it easy on my heart

               Even though you don't mean to hurt me

               You keep tearing me apart

               Would you please have mercy on me

                I'm a puppet on your string

                 And even though you got good intentions

                 I need you to set me free

                I'm begging you for mercy, mercy (on my heart)

Tags: 

(Pond taglist + SPN taglist by @mrswhozeewhatsis)

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Tumblr won’t let me tag some of you. And few of you are tagged twice. I’m so sorry for that. I was in a rush. It won’t happen again. I promise. :)

[spnsimpleman]

‘Til my very last breath

My entry for SPN Angst Appreciation Day 2017.  

Inspired by the song “Don’t let me down” by Joy Williams.

Dean x Reader

Word Count: 4900

Every movement hurts, every single pump of my legs is like a jagged knife in the side, in the back, in my head, but I have to keep moving. It’s the only thing I know.

Don’t stop. Keep moving!

The trees are too thick, too close and even with the snow coating the ground, there’s not enough light. The burn in my chest only increases when I try to think of where I saw him last, think of the last thing he said, but still, I keep moving, keep running. 

The scent of pine and blood is thick and suffocating. The pain, if it wasn’t so bad, so… everywhere then maybe I could remember, maybe I could think straight. But the only way to pinpoint it would be to stop and look, examine where the worst tears in my clothes were. It hurts to breathe, maybe slowing down would be a good idea. A chance to catch my breath.

GO, y/n! Don’t stop!

“Dean?!” I scream at the top of my lungs, no longer afraid of what else could hear me as long as he did too. Nothing but the sound of my rapid, shaky breaths, the swack of the branches beating me, and the muffled crack of the ones I kick and crush underfoot. “SAM!”

There’s a cold that has seeped so deeply, it’s invaded my bones but I’m not numb yet. That is good. Numb is bad.

Keep moving.

Every inch of me aches but I keep running, ignoring the branches and sharp roots that rip and tear at my legs and feet. If only there was some sign of something to actually head towards. The moon filtering through the snow heavy pine branches doesn’t give off much and the white powder that used to light up an entire area didn’t seem to be helping at all tonight.

My stomach twists again, sharp and painful. I don’t know where I am, I don’t know where they are, but I should. I should be with them.

A voice was calling but it was so far away. Dean. It was Dean. 

“Hey! Y/n, wait up! Come on, let me buy you a drink.”

The cold evaporated so fast it took my breath away. It was hot and so humid that the air stuck to my skin. The warm breeze that gave the trees a lazy sway did nothing to help but the thought of the air conditioning in my motel room was captivating. It helped me ignore the man calling me back to the bar. “Fat chance, Winchester.”

His boots continued crunching the gravel and gained ground quickly. “Awe, don’t be like that. We had a good time.”

“I saved your ass, you have to say that. But time’s up, dollface. I have a date with cold air and some late night tv.” Oh, the idea of that little motel room and an air conditioner was getting better every second. A cold shower and laying naked near that wonderful little ice box, some black and white B-movie crackling across that old bubble screen. Was there a television in there?

“Really? You can’t give a guy a chance to pay you back?”

I stopped and turned, he froze on the spot and I would never be able to forget the look on his face. “Depends on your currency?” Maybe it was the heat wave playing with my mind but the way his gaze raked up my body was like his hands were already there and yet I missed it. No, I craved them but then he licked his lips and actually seemed to be at a loss for words until his gaze met mine. It took every bit of control to keep from showing the hunger that was clawing away inside.  

He continued forward, his eyes flashed and a bit of swagger was back in his stance. He saw right through me. “Hunters don’t have much.”

He stopped only two steps away, close but not close enough to feel his heat. “Thought you might say that. So, what do you have?”  

He smirked, one that crinkled the corner of his eye as he tilted his head closer to me and whispered, “it won’t help you cool down. At least, not at first.”

A sudden heat explodes through my chest with pain that buckles my legs. But the real heat was gone and I am still freezing. The snow is soft cushioning my fall except for the jolt of my knees on the ground, like a rocket through my joints while zipping up my spine. It took a few seconds until I could suck in cold air again.

The bar parking lot, the swishing trees, and hot, sticky air was too far away. It’s darker somehow now. The only light around emanating from the immaculate white blanket stretching out in every direction, spotted with dark tree trunks every few feet.

On your left!

I got your back. Keep going!

“S-s-sam.” My teeth keep chattering. I can’t stop the shaking as I haul myself up and trudge forward. What were we doing here? What were we hunting?

“Y/n! Catch!” I turned at the sound of Sam’s voice and snatched the shotgun from the air. In one fluid motion, I swung around pumping it as I brought the butt plate to its proper pocket and kissed my cheek to the stock. The aim didn’t need to be perfect but it was too ingrained, a muscle memory that I couldn’t pull the trigger without. The silver bullet slammed into the wraith’s chest and it went down to the cracked wooden floor hard.

She pushed up quickly, only giving me seconds to stumble back a few steps to the right turning her just enough. Her eyes blazed as she stood with a crackling laughter, “bullets don’t work on me. You must be new.”

I smirked as Sam closed in behind her. “The art of disguise doesn’t work just for monsters. Or should I say misdirection? What do you think, Sam?”

Her eyes widened before her gaze darted to my side where Sam stood before my shot. She spun throwing her hands up but it was too late. Sam drove the silver blade through her heart and she slumped forward. He stepped back and took a deep breath before looking at me. “The art of disguise?” The body thumped to the ground in between us.

“Shut up. I was having fun.” He shook his head chuckling. “Come on, no giggling in front of a dead body. Show some decency, man.”  I grinned, shouldering the shotgun.

“You and Dean deserve each other.”

“We were having so much fun. Why you gotta ruin it?”

“What’d I miss?” Dean hobbled inside the cabin and leaned back against the wall glancing between Sam and me before grimacing at the wraith. “Nice. Can we go now?” He scanned the inside of the cabin frowning, “seriously, I’m going to catch something in here.”

He shivered and I smiled at Sam, “what do you think? It’d be cheaper crashing here than a motel. At least, we wouldn’t have to pay for the crappy bed.”

Dean let out a terrified squeak and Sam valiantly held in his laughter. “No, I’d like a shower, thank you.”

“One day I knew I’d get stuck with a pair of drama queens. Just didn’t think it’d be this early in my life.”

Dean flinched at a noise behind him. “Okay, great but seriously, can we go?”

KEEP MOVING!

That insane stabbing pain in my chest again. I clutch at it, shoving my hand inside my shirt but can’t find anything on the surface, no broken skin, no bone protruding, and no lump or tenderness.

The snow is getting harder to move through. It’s starting to look like a really nice bed to lay down on. The aching in my legs is dissipating and my eyelids were getting heavier. Just a quick power nap and then I could find them, I could figure out what is going on when I could think again, when I could remember what happened.

Keep fighting, y/n. We’re here.

“Where?!” I scream but it’s not very loud. Out here with no one around it should be deafening but it barely even bounced off the lovely white blanket calling my name.

“You’re not here. I’m alone.” That bounces off the snow and smacks me in the face for good measure. Alone. It just keeps echoing in my head as I lean down planning just to feel the white blanket, maybe lay down for just a bit. “Alone and it’s all my fault.”

FIGHT!

“Fucking hell! I’m so tired of fighting!” I yelled so loud it bounced around the hallway and I had a feeling that it even reached all the way down to the library where I left Sam and Dean before the hard-headed asshole followed me. I met his gaze and read the pain and fear in his tight movements and hard eyes. I knew that look, I felt it with every ounce of my being. I let him close the space between us but put my hand up before he touched me. “That’s all we do anymore. Don’t you get tired? I’m fucking exhausted.”

His eyes were always so expressive even when he was pissed but even more so when he was lost and had no idea what to do next. “There’s no other option for me. There never will be.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it. I know what this life is because I live it too but it doesn’t mean I have to give up on everything. I’m one of the reasons the world is still turning, I deserve everything that I truly want and so do you! There will always be another case but I’m not willing to give up who I am because of it.”

“People change.”

“Do they, Dean? Or do they just shove it down so far that they pretend it’s not there? Just keep piling shit on top of it to keep it silent and hope that it will suffocate instead of popping up in the middle of the night or at the end of a bad case or maybe in that one hopeful moment with that one person they never thought they’d have in their arms…”

His eyes burned with a fury I hadn’t seen before and some part of me felt verified until he jabbed his finger at me with a growl. “I told you that in confidence, not so you could throw it in my face as fuel for your fire. You wanna leave? Then go! But don’t you dare pretend this is on me.” Then that look, the lost child underneath it all made an appearance and broke my heart before he locked it down and strode off.

A shiver wracks my body and everything hurts more, even my legs that I thought were already numb. I force my eyes open and gasp at the perfectly untouched sheet of snow. No trees for at least fifteen or so yards. I glance around and my heart drops like a lead ball. I was in the middle of a perfect circle of nothingness. A dead zone.

I jerk my head back and the moon is blocked by dark clouds but the snow still gives off an eerie white-blue glow. I start moving again, trying to go faster but my legs are too stiff and the snow is too deep. I can only drag them through the thick snow with one thought ringing in my head, get to cover or you’re dead.  

The tree line is so close but my legs are getting too heavy. Every pull takes more energy that I don’t have.

My foot catches on something and I pitch forward into the cold soft cushion. The blindingly white ground is so close to my face now. I could just close my eyes, I could rest on the white blanket for just a few minutes and gather the energy I need to keep going.

I lift my head and focus toward the treeline. It isn’t that far, I could make it to the trees and maybe find something to help me push through the deeper parts.

Another sharp twist in my stomach and I gasp in some of the icy powder. No, I need to… I need to keep moving. I owe him… I should be with them. I owe them.

The phone rang and rang and for a single terrifying moment, I thought I was dead. My one phone call would go wasted and I would never again see the light of day.

“Y/n? Where are you? Tell me you’re okay?”

I sucked in a breath as relief crashed over me, “Dean.” Then the guilt replaced it as I thought about what I needed to say.

“Where are you?”

“I’m so sorry. You’ll tell Sammy, right? That I’m sorry. I just thought…” I sighed and it hurt like hell. “I don’t think I’ll make it out of this one. I got out of the Djinn’s nightmare and got away but… I’ll never get far like this. I need to say goodbye. We all get cocky… I didn’t realize there were two. I’ve been meaning to call you but I could never get up the courage.”

“Just tell me where you are, Sam and I are on the way.”

“There’s not enough time. I took out one but… it’s only a matter of time.” I looked down at the gaping hole in my side. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to say that to you, I never wanted to hurt you. I never…”

He was talking to Sam but I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Then his voice was back, more desperate this time, “listen to me, you promised me, just like you promised your dad. You remember that? You promised you’d fight ‘til your very last breath. I’m asking you to keep that promise. Keep fighting. I’m coming. You keep moving. Stay low, keep your gun in your hand. We’re coming to get you.”

“I love you and Sam so much. I never told you that.”

“We know. Just keep fighting, you hear me?” His voice was tight. I was hurting him again.

“I’m sorry I let you down.”

“You…” Something crackled across the line and I held the phone closer, pressing the cheap plastic into my face so hard it hurt. “You didn’t let anyone down and you’re going to say all this to my face. You hear me? I don’t accept apologies over the phone or declarations of love. You better stay the hell alive to say it to my face.”

“I love you.”

“Damnit, Y/n! You keep fighting! The woman I love would not just lay down and let them win.” My eyes burned but closing them only flashed his face and made it worse. “The woman I have missed fighting beside and with for the last month would not just give up because she is the best fucking hunter I’ve ever met. You will not give up. You will keep moving because there’s one thing you still owe me.”

“What?” The tear-clogged croak sounded foreign even to my ears.

“I’m not telling you until I get there. Keep moving! Don’t stop.”

“’Til my very last breath.”

His breath hitched and it physically hurt me. A pain so much deeper than the searing sting in my side, the hard pressure on my ear, or the unrelenting throb in my head.  

“We’re coming, Y/n.”

I suck in an agonizing breath as I make it to the nearest tree and pull my upper body out of the snow. I’m hugging the bark hoping to steal some warmth from it but my cheek is on something wet. Leaning back, I realize it’s a bloody handprint. A familiar one at that. I place my hand over it and cover it perfectly.

My side suddenly throbs, like a dagger has been shoved through and through. I look down and my jacket is torn. I slip my hand inside and find rough, frozen ice and in the middle… sticky heat.

I groan and grit my teeth as I look up. The moon is finally visible and somehow that just seemed wrong. My head swims and I lean against the tree no longer trusting my legs or my sense of direction. “Dean. I’m so sorry.”

Stay with me. Come on, you can do this. You’ve beaten more than this.

We’re here, y/n. Just keep fighting.

“Sammy.” I look around but only find the silent trees and the white blanket. My eyes flutter and my head falls back against the rough bark. I don’t have the strength to keep my eyes open or continue on. “I’m so sorry.”

All those empty motel rooms and lonely hunts. Why was it so imperative that I left them? Why did I say those things to him? Why did I say goodbye to Sam? It was more than just losing another family. What the hell was it..?

I was pacing in the bathroom closest to Dean’s room with the door closed and locked. The little white stick rested precariously on the edge of the sink as the time ticked by but I couldn’t even look at it. Part of me was waiting for it to fall and break and then I could go on pretending that it wasn’t even an option, that I could never be that irresponsible, but in this case, not knowing could be so much worse.

The doorknob jiggled and I froze, staring at the door like it was a monster. “Y/n? Hey, you okay? Do you want me to run into town for some medicine or something?”

My heart was kicking against my ribcage as I looked back to the test and bit my lip. I wasn’t sure if I was more scared of Dean seeing it or what it actually said.

The soft knock came again. “Let me help. Seriously, vomit doesn’t scare me. Come on, y/n. Let me in.”

I opened the door fighting the lump in my throat and the burn in my eyes. I didn’t trust my voice when he looked at me. He took my face in his hands and I closed my eyes, “hey, it’s okay. What’s going on?”

When I met his gaze there was nothing but concern and fear. He had no idea at all. Not even a suspicion. I threw a glance at the sink but still couldn’t say a word. His gaze followed and I watched it cross his face, saw the fear turn to a pale dread as he swallowed. “Fuck.”

A hiccuping breath escaped and he met my gaze again. “Hey, just breathe.” He pulled me to his chest, “you don’t even know. No freaking out yet.” He brushed his hand through my hair and held me but I could feel his anxiety through his stiff movements and tense muscles. “It’s probably just nothing. Stress does that, right? We’ve been crazy but we’ve been safe. Smart. You… You’re fine. Everything’s fine. Watch, I’ll prove it.” He pulled away and proceeded over to the sink like it was quicksand.

I stared at him through blurry vision as he looked at himself in the mirror. I read the fear that flashed as he envisioned what could possibly be.

God, how could I be so stupid? Why did I ever even chance it? I turned away and dropped my head unable to watch as his whole life crashed down around him. All because of a single night.

How could we juggle a baby and hunting? I couldn’t allow Sam to go out by himself, I couldn’t go out while I was pregnant. How long would it take before I started to show? Before I became a liability and couldn’t move or think as fast. Nine months and a screaming needy being would be ours to protect, to feed, to teach, to soothe. Raising a child in this world? It was nuts!

Sam and Dean were raised in the life and look at them! Well, they had their issues but Sam would be a fantastic uncle. Dean, he would be an amazing father. I could see him singing to the baby in his arms, playing games around the bunker, teaching him to shoot and to drive. Sam reading her a book, showing her how to use his laptop, and even teaching her about proper nutrition and exercise.

Maybe a baby wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe we could have a shot at something more. Why did we have to give up everything while we helped keep the world moving? Why did we have to sacrifice…

Dean chuckled, “see? Told ya. Nothing to worry about. Not Pregnant.” He let out a harsh breath, “shit, you actually got me going there.”

When I turned around, he was running a hand through his hair and staring down at the stick. I searched his face and stance looking for any sign of the stabbing pain I had in my chest. He looked up and smiled, “bullet dodged.”

I don’t know why but I played along, “right. Right. Who needs a baby right now?”

“Crazy people.” He dropped the stick in the trashcan and walked over to me, his hand squeezed my shoulder. “You want me to find some cold medicine?”

I searched his eyes still hoping to see something other than relief. “We are crazy people. Why shouldn’t we… get that chance too? Why are the ones we save the only…” The pinch in his brow told me everything I needed to know.

“No one in this business wants a baby. That’s just… it’d be insane. Not just for us but for the kid.”

I looked down to the floor, my hand going to my stomach and somehow felt a loss that didn’t make sense. “Right. Must just be the hormones. Maybe we should get some cold meds, just in case.”

His fingers brushed under my chin and he gently coaxed me up. “Hey, you okay? It was negative. You weren’t… hoping different, were you? You can tell me.” 

But I could see the truth on his face. I could tell him anything but he would be gearing up to tell me all the reasons why it was a terrible idea. Hell, I had been going through them just minutes ago. So, why was I feeling so different now? 

“No, that would just be crazy. I just… I don’t know for a minute there… I thought of you teaching him to shoot and playing around the bunker and I pictured Sam reading her a book and teaching all about the proper foods to eat and how to find them when we were out, partly to annoy the shit out of you.”

“Woah, slow down there, Wondermama. A boy and girl?” He chuckled, “when you dream you certainly dream big.” His hands rubbed up and down my arms but that concerned look in his eye was back.

“Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, you know? You and Sam have done pretty well for yourselves.”

He kept my gaze but shadows flashed in his eyes, “I wouldn’t wish that childhood on anyone.”

“I don’t know, I think we’d be pretty great.” But Dean didn’t believe it or he just wouldn’t allow himself to go there.

“Yeah, if we weren’t stuck in the middle of crazy town.” He hugged me, “you should get some rest and I’ll get the medicine. Are you hungry?”

I squeezed him hoping that maybe I could steal some of his warmth for the cold spot in my chest. “Maybe some rest would be good.”

“Come on, let me take you to bed.” He pulled away and I missed him immediately. He slipped his arm around my back and led me out of the bathroom looking straight ahead. It wasn’t enough but I couldn’t ask for more, not right now, not after that.

The moon is almost mocking in the way it shines down, sparkling off the lovely snow. The perfect circle still immaculate and untouched. My legs had buckled again and I was sitting in the snow, my back still against the tree when the memory finally washed away.

Well, at least if I had to go, this is such a beautiful place to say goodbye. A beautiful empty canvas. I picture Dean and Sam having a snowball fight in the middle then see Jody and Bobby watching them from a corner with steaming cups of coffee in their hands. A soft cooing noise draws my gaze down and there’s a baby in my arms, a beautiful little boy with his father’s eyes. “I’m so sorry, I never gave you a chance.”

The baby simply stares up at me, those green eyes piercing in the moonlight. I want to think he’s forgiving me but it’s all in my head.

“Y/n.”

“Cas?” I look up and the angel is standing there beside me staring out at the circle then down at the child in my arms. “So, I am dead then? It’s nice that they let you take me.”

“It’s time to go.” He kneels down and touches the child’s face with such wonder. Cas’s glowing blue eyes lock onto mine and a pulsing energy floods my veins. “I’m sorry.”

I look out across the sea of white, they’re all gone. “Tell them I’m sorry. That I didn’t mean to let them down.” I find his brilliant gaze again but refuse to read the look there, “thank you, Cas. Thank you for coming and whoever let you take me.”

I feel something pulling, energy lifting me from the cold. I bend down, curling the baby against my chest as I kiss his sweet face. “I love you little one. Please know that.” A tear splashes against his small plump cheek and the greatest sound I’ve ever heard bubbles up from his tiny lips. “I’m so sorry, little one.”

Cas’s hand is warm against my side and I seek his gaze. His smile holds a sadness I feel deep within me then his hand starts to heat up.

I always liked to think I was the hero of my story but sometimes, well, more times than I want to admit, I was the villain too.

I can’t really call it a mistake if I just keep repeating it over and over again. It’s no longer a miscalculation, it’s a fault. I am a liability. I didn’t need to pregnant for that. I’m broken. I knew that before but I always had faith in my instincts. Now, I know I was wrong there too. Too late to do a damn thing about it but I’m only human and that’s just the way of the game. The clarity only comes at the end, right before the credits roll.

Life is so fucking hard until you feel it leaving and you’ve got all the answers but none of the energy, none of the stamina of that person so full of potential and flaws that felt manageable. We only admit to the flaws we can control and ignore the others because it’s easier and we’ve got enough shit to deal with.

Dying is easier than living but I don’t want to die, I don’t want to stop fighting, and I don’t want to leave Dean and Sam. I was always the fighter, making my way back from the worst to feel invincible even before I met them. I don’t want them to build that funeral pyre and lift my lifeless body onto it. I don’t want them to watch yet another soul they love depart. I don’t want to think about the looks on their faces, about the pain I forced on them. I hurt them. Again.

I wish I had actually miscalculated this time. Then maybe I would’ve done the right thing, made the better move. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten my dumbass caught my two Djinns and stabbed in the goddamn side to bleed out in the middle of fucking Fargo. 

No wonder the angels hate us. 

Cas presses his other hand against my forehead and I remember I’m not alone. At least, I was given that. I want to thank him again so he knows how much this means to me but the throbbing in my side flares into an intense searing pain that spreads throughout my body.

“I never hated you. You are so much better than that, Y/n. Your flaws don’t define you, they only make you… shine that much brighter.” He presses his forehead to mine in such a human gesture... such a Dean gesture. “You taught me that even before I had to struggle through my own humanity.”

I close my eyes and grit my teeth until it becomes unbearable. I try to focus on my sweet baby’s giggle still bouncing around in my head until I can’t ignore it anymore. I scream releasing all the fear and agony until there’s no more cold, no more memories, no more pain, and the sweet warmth of Cas dissipates.

Before my mind blinks out from lack of oxygen, I hope Cas can still hear me. I didn’t mean to let you guys down. I’m so sorry. I tried... tell them, ‘til…

@duchessofwinchester , @jodyri , @jencharlan , @deanssweetheart23 @torn-and-frayed , @chrisatplay , @mogaruke , @captainemwinchester , @escabell , @mrswhozeewhatsis

[georgialouisea]

“Who’s Dean?”

Pairing - Dean X Reader

Word Count -  1395 Warnings - Angst, drinking, character death. Summary - Telling her children about their father proves a little harder than expected. A/N -  Mentioned song HERE , written for 2017 spn angst apreciation day 2017. @thing-you-do-with-that-thing

Exhausted, you sat at the dining room table in your small town house. A playlist of your favourite songs playing.  A mug of wine in hand, you didn’t want your children to see you drinking so openly, it had been one of your main vows to yourself.

“Hey Mom, have you seen my phone?” Jake asked as he jogged into the kitchen.

“Erm... I think it’s on the side board in the hallway.” You suggested as you racked your brain for the last time you’d seen it.

“Thanks,” he sat opposite you at the table, you looked into his eyes and knew this was a conversation that would be beyond difficult.

“What’s up sweetie?” You asked as you placed the mug down, extending a hand out towards his, holding it in yours.

“Maddie!” He yelled for his younger sister to join you both.

“Jake, you’re worrying me.” You kept your expression soft despite the fact you were filled with fear and anxiety over being questioned by your children.

“Mom, who’s Dean?”

Your eyes fell from your beautiful children to the table top, another hand grabbed onto yours, as your eyes followed the culprit you watched as Maddie held onto it for dear life.

“Where did you hear that name?” You asked, shock apparent on your face.

“This.” Jake handed you a picture of Sam, Dean, Cas, Bobby, Ellen and Jo.

Titled: ‘Sam, Dean, Cas, Bobby, Ellen, Jo and Y/N about to kick ass.’

“Okay, I’m going to tell you something I should have told you years ago, but I wasn’t ready then, I didn't think you'd understand, but you're both old enough and know what’s out there.” You smiled as you looked at the beautiful dirty blonde haired, green eyed children before you, both perfect images of their father. Your son was now 16 and eager to explore the world and protect you at the same time, your daughter Maddie, 14, more reserved, she was more interested in her studies and learning all there is to know about the world.

“Dean Winchester is your father.” You admitted to both of your children who waited for your every word wide-eyed. You waited for them to speak before you proceeded when they didn't you decided to start from the beginning. “You both know what’s out there, well when I was 3 my parents were killed by a demon, Bobby saved me from being slaughtered too. Since that day he had looked after me, yes he could have given me up to an orphanage, but with him knowing my parents and being hunting buddies with them, I guess he couldn't do it. So as he was my Godfather, he adopted me. Bobby has raised me ever since. Taught me all I know today about everything that goes bump in the night.”

You stopped as you gulped down the wine in your mug, Maddie was on her feet refilling it with the white wine from the fridge.

“You two know, huh?”

“Yeah,” They replied in unison.

“I'm sorry.” You apologised.

“What for?” Jake asked as he held your hand tighter.

“Everything.” You sighed as you took another drink, needing more courage to talk about Dean. “When I was 17 I met the Winchesters, John and his sons Sam and Dean. They all stopped off at Bobby’s during a hunt they were on, I became friends with Sam and Dean very quickly, Dean was only 4 years older than me, Sam his brother was the same age as me. As the years went on Sam, Dean and I all hunted together, we were unstoppable. We killed so many demons and vamps.” You couldn't help but smile at the memory, you, Sam and Dean had been inseparable.

“I'd been dating Dean for over a year, much to your grandfather's dismay, when I found out I was pregnant.” Your eyes lit up as you looked at Jake. "He was so happy to be a father, he was so excited. I’d never seen him read something so intensely as he had the pregnancy and children books.” Looking down you smiled to yourself. “Even before you were here he loved you, adored you. He spent hours talking to you. I stopped hunting as soon as I found out, as soon as I was 35 weeks Dean stopped to spend every minute with me, afraid he’d miss you being born.”

“Did he?” Maddie questioned.

“Almost.” You sipped on your wine once again, you were honestly a shitty mother, it took you 14 /16 years for you to tell your kids the truth about their father. “I went into labour 4 weeks early in a shopping centre, a woman the baby section I was in called 911 as she helped me down to a chair, she herself was around 38 weeks and called me the ‘lucky one’. God I was, I’ve never seen your Dad drive so fast as he had when he got the call to say you were coming into the world.” Your eyes flicked to Maddie, sadness plagued her face. “As for you missy, you wanted to make an appearance 8 weeks early.” You smiled at her as you gave her hand a squeeze.

“How did you tell Dad you were pregnant again?” Maddie asked. Your heart both fluttered and sank as she said the word ‘Dad’.

“Well, I was super cliche, Jake was around 15 months when I found out, I decided to get a top for him which said: ‘best big brother ever’.

“Oh God, really?” Maddie furrowed her brow at you.

“Yeah." You laughed. “God I wish you could have seen his face, he was so confused, it took him around a minute of looking at Jake to fully put it together, I thought I was going to have to throw the pregnancy test at his head at one point, But he eventually got there.”

Your mind wandered.

“What?” Dean asked as he looked up from Jake to you. “You’re pregnant?” He asked wide-eyed.

“Yeah." Your grin spread across Dean's face as your smiled at him.

“Hey Jake, you’re going to be a big brother.” He smiled down at the infant in his lap.

“What happened to him, Mom?” Maddie’s voice pulled you from the memory of telling Dean you were pregnant with her.

“Well, back then there was a lot to deal with, your Father and I were living in a very small house with Sam. As soon as Maddie came along early both of us spent every waking second by your bedside. Nights I spent with Jake in my arms as I watched you sleep in your tiny incubator, or your ‘glass house’ as so many of our family referred to it as.”

“Mom? What happened to Dad?” As Maddie asked ‘The Light’ by the Album Leaf began to play through the speakers in your house.

As the question hit you, your head slumped into your forearms as you tried so hard to stay composed, talking about what happened to Dean was not easy.

“I woke up one morning, he was sat at the end of the bed, he told me he was off with your Uncle Sam to hunt another demon.” Tears fell as you spoke, your children holding your hands tighter with every word. “10 hours later, I'd heard nothing, your father was a very punctual man, even if he physically wasn't on time he would text or call. When he didn't text or call after 15 hours I knew something was wrong. I called, texted and even summoned the King of Hell for God sake. That’s when I found out he was gone.” Tears fell from your eyes as you tried to explain to your children what happened to their father.

“He was the best man I’ve ever met,” Bobby interjected as he walked into the kitchen grabbing your shoulder supportively. “They both were.” He corrected himself.

“I’m sorry.” You sobbed. “I’m sorry you never got to meet him, he was an amazing man, I'm sorry you were left with me.”

“Mom, we love you no matter what,” Jake reassured as he hugged you.

“Thank you.” You held them in your arms. Both of them held close to your chest, the music faltered for a split second, enough for you to turn around. The figure behind you was too distinct for you to miss.

“Dean?”

“Sweetheart?”

Forever tag list - @mega-loser1298 @smalltowndivaj @roxyspearing

Dean taglist

@akshi8278

[jayankles]

He Looks At Her

Pairing: Jensen x Reader (although it’s not explicit, I had Jensen in mind. I just didn’t use his name)

Word Count: 600

Warnings: Fluff, Angst

A/N – this is for #SPN Angst Appreciation Day 2017 hosted by the amazing @thing-you-do-with-that-thing and @percywinchester27 → I’m on the borderline of I’m so sorry and I’m not sorry at all.

He looks at her with all the love and devotion he has. She is his entire world. She’s given him a beautiful child, even when they had to fight against all the odds in the beginning. They came out on top. Now she’s expecting a second one.

He knows this one will be equally as beautiful. Their DNA combined can produce nothing else but perfection, no matter how much they put themselves down. Their hearts are the biggest there are.

They fight, sure they do, but they always resolve it; whether it be a kiss and a cuddle, make up sex, or a promise that they refuse to break.

When she steps into a room, she illuminates it. She draws eyes and he knows that he gets to go home with her at the end of the day. She glows as he compliments her and kisses her sweetly, pulling away before things can get more heated in front of everyone.

They love each other with passion, there is no denying that.

He is happiest when he is with her, she makes his fears and worries melt away with just a glance in her direction.

He refuses to leave his beloved unattended to, not because he doesn’t trust her, because he feels a need to protect her at all times; to be her guardian, and to keep her safe – that is his goal in life.

When he tells their daughter a bedtime story, his wife leans against the doorframe with a sleepy smile on her face. He looks at his daughter one more time and swipes her hair from her face and places a tender kiss there.

He puts the book back on the nightstand and turns of the night light, walking over to where the love of his life is waiting for him to return to her so they can lay together and enjoy the comfort of each others arms.

He promises her the same thing every night; he will do everything in his power to love his near and dear everyday. That he will do everything in his power to keep them safe and away from any harm. They share a passionate, final, kiss – sealing their promises to one another before they fall asleep in the arms of their lovers.

It’s a shame she’s not you. You are forced to love someone who is already taken and although you are happy for them, it is ripping you apart. It hurts when he smiles at you and confides in you. You just plant a smile on your face, you know he doesn’t see through the facade.

He continues to unknowingly torture you with the love he showers her with, and you hate it. You hate him, you hate her, you hate what their love has created. You know it is wrong for you to hate them – them all – but you can’t help it, not when your feelings are on the line. Not when the man you love is in love with someone else. Someone so much better than you, someone that can and has offered him so much more than you can.

But you stay with them for an unknown reason. It doesn’t help that you are close to both of them, and they want you by each of their sides. You think you deserve this, you must’ve done something terrible in your previous life to feel like this. Like no one would ever truly love you and it hurts and you can’t change the fact that you lost someone that never truly belonged to you in the first place.

Lemme know what you think

Buy Me a Coffee?

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[thing-you-do-with-that-thing]

He Should Be Here

Characters: Y/N, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Sammy Winchester (no I am not stuttering!), Lisa Braeden (mentioned), Ben Braeden (mentioned), Chuck (mentioned) Lucifer (mentioned), Michael (mentioned)    

Pairing: Sam x Reader, Dean x Lisa

Warnings: Character death (only as in canon), nothing much else I think.     

Word Count: 1600ish

A/N: Hey guys welcome to SPN Angst Appreciation Day 2017 - I hope y’all are ready to cry. As one of your hosts I thought it was my duty to do my best to make sure you go to bed with puffy eyes tonight so I am posting 3 brand new one shots in honor of this day. This is number 1

I have been wanting to write this fic for the longest of times - I hope you guys will enjoy it. It is heavily inspired by You Should Be Here by Cole Swindell

Thanks to @blacktithe7 for being a sweetie and betaing this for me

***My fics are not to be saved nor posted on any other sites without my express written permission.***

It was Tuesday, and just like any other Tuesday, you had gone to the park. You sat on the bench watching the kids play as you gently rocked the stroller with your sleeping baby boy inside it.

You didn’t come here for your son though. You came for you. You had been ever since the moment you had found out you were pregnant. It had been a Tuesday too, and a beautiful day just like today. You had called the only person you could think to call, even if you had vowed to each other only 3 weeks ago to go your separate ways and start over. Given your condition, that promise hadn’t lasted long, and this park had not only become your place to dream, it had become your meeting ground. It had become your only connection to the father of your child.

“Hey, how’s little Sammy doing?” his voice sounded behind you, and you looked up to see the tall, broad ex-hunter standing above your stroller, smiling softly at your sleeping son .

“Growing like weed,” you answered, making Dean chuckle as you raised from your seat to let him hug you.

“He lives up to his name then,” Dean spoke softly, giving you an extra squeeze before releasing you and sitting down beside you on the bench.

You just sat there quietly beside each other. Dean and you were the same. You never liked talking about how you felt, and doing so now even if you knew you both needed it was next to impossible. You loved Dean like an older brother and you knew he loved you like the sister he never wanted, but whenever you were together you felt the loss even more strongly than when you were alone, even after baby Sam was born.

You could barely remember a time you had been alone with Dean for more than a few hours before… You couldn’t think about it. Sam saved the world. He sacrificed himself, and he saved the world. You knew you shouldn’t be angry at him, but you were. He jumped into the cage, pulling Lucifer and Michael with him, and he left you. He left you alone, grieving and pregnant with his child. He hadn’t known of course, not that you were sure him knowing would have made a difference. This was who those two boys were. Self sacrificing, flannel wearing, morons, that never realized just how loved they were or how much they were needed. You had screamed at Dean for it until you were hoarse, but the truth was, he wasn’t the one you wanted to scream at. You weren’t even sure you wanted to scream at Sam. You wanted to wring God’s neck for not stepping in. You wanted to make someone pay for how unfair it all ways.

Sam should have been here when you were pregnant. Instead, you got daily phone calls from his brother and pregnancy advice from his girlfriend. You liked Lisa, but it all just felt wrong. It felt wrong. So you had stopped answering your phone in the end, and Dean had started coming here. He needed to see you, you knew that. He was grieving too, and you along with the child you had been caring was his only real connection to his brother.

The first few month you had met, Dean had talked to you about his research. You had listened until you couldn’t anymore. Dean had looked so defeated when you had pleaded with him to stop. Unless he found a way to actually get Sam back, you didn’t want to hear it.

Ever since then all you had talked about was you and the pregnancy. Dean always made sure you were alright. He even asked you if you needed him at doctor’s appointments or lamaze classes. You had loved him for it but declined his every offer. Dean had his own family to look after, and it wouldn’t feel right having him there. Even sitting next to him right now was hard. As much as you loved him, he wasn’t his brother, and Dean knew that. He never pushed you or asked you twice after you had said no to something, as much as he needed you and baby Sammy, as hard was it for you to be around him, Dean never pushed you for more. He was there in a heartbeat every time you had asked. He kept every appointment and he cared more than he had too. Still he never asked anything more of you than you were willing to give. He knew that as much as he needed the two of you, he was a painful reminder of the man you had lost.  

But Sammy deserved having his uncle in his life. Even if your son was never going to have his dad, he was going to have the best uncle in the world. You would get used to being around Dean without Sam eventually. Your heart would heal eventually. You would be able to look at happy families like the one in front of you now, without wanting to scream at the skies about the unfairness of it all. Eventually you would stop crying yourself to sleep at night. Eventually you would go on with your life, but you never wanted Dean not to be part of whatever life lied ahead of you. He was your son’s uncle, and he was the love of your life’s brother. More than a brother. You had never seen a bond like the one between Sam and Dean. You knew that Dean would do anything for you without question, solely because you had held his brother’s heart. You knew no matter what this world would throw at you, you and your son would have a protector for life. Someone that understood your pain and grief. Someone that would listen, if you could only find it in you to finally say the words out loud.

You stared at a little boy, squealing with laughter as his father pushed him on the swing. You stared at the woman, laughing from the bench across from you, holding a newborn baby, not much younger than your Sammy. You fought your tears but all you could see was how Sam would have wanted this for the three of you. You felt robbed of the chance of being a family. Of having a shred of normalcy in this godforsaken world. You missed him more than you had ever imagined it possible to miss anyone and something deep inside of you finally broke.

“It’s not fair Dean,” tears streamed down your face. You felt Dean’s eyes on you, but you didn’t look at him. You couldn’t bare too. “We should all be free, leading normal lives. You should be here with Ben and Lisa, not sitting on a bench listening to me.”

“Y/N/N,” Dean tried to interrupt you, but you didn’t let him.

“Sam should be the one beside me, with his arm around me. We should be happy and talking about a second child or how the first one even happened. He should be annoying me, walking around with his stupid phone taking picture of us, and you should be giving him a hard time for it. Sam should grow up knowing his dad and not that he died a hero. It’s not fair Dean,” you cried, and Dean’s arms closed around you, pulling you tightly against his chest as his lips pressed against you temple.

“I know sweetheart. I know,” he mumbled as he soothingly rocked you back and forth as you cried. “I know you don’t wanna hear it Y/N, but I haven’t given up. I’ll never give up.”

You pulled away with a sob, drying your eyes before letting your gaze meet Dean’s just as the horn sounded from the road, just like it did every week. “Good,” you nodded, and Dean smiled softly, before getting back on his feet.

“If you need anything…”

“I’ll call you, Dean. Go be with your family,” you waved him off with a smile. “We’ll be fine.” You reached out for the stroller. “We got each other.”

“See you next week,” Dean grabbed your hand before you could reach the stoller, giving it a small squeeze, and you looked up at him. You knew that expression. He was going to get Sam back to you, but you didn’t ask. You didn’t wanna know. As much as you wanted Sam here, you also didn’t want to lose Dean. He had come to mean too much to you over these past month. He was your brother and your friend. He was the closest thing your son had to a dad at the moment, and you didn’t wanna live in a world without him either.

“Just don’t do anything stupid Dean. Ben deserves a dad, and Sammy deserves an uncle.” You gave Dean’s hand a squeeze, and you could have sworn you almost saw tears behind his eyes as he gave you a quick nod before turning towards the stroller. Dean gently tugged the covers back over your son and ran a finger over his cheek, careful not to wake him up.

“See you soon Sammy,” he almost whispered before turning and walking towards the car where Lisa and Ben were waiting for him. You took a deep breath, wiping your cheeks before gathering up enough courage to get back on your feet. You quietly walked back to your house, pushing your sleeping son, hoping that this would be the day Sam would be there waiting for you.

You were so deep in your thoughts you didn’t see the man behind the bushes. You didn’t see the way he had been watching you and Dean with a cold detached smile on his face. You didn’t see that the man was the spittin image of the man you were still grieving and longing for every day. You didn’t know that your life was only days away from changing forever...   

Sam Tag Team

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[percywinchester27]

He deserves better

Word count: 800-ish

Pairing: Dean X Reader

Warnings: ANGST, Self-hate.

A/N: This is my entry for Brook & Taylor’s Angst challenge. Heed the warning folks!

Prompt: “You have all these walls up, just fucking let me in."

You tried to walk past his room, quietly opening the door to your room and shutting it in your wake. No you wouldn't allow yourself to walk up to Dean's room and take that one peak inside. No. That would break your resolve and reduce you to a crying mess on the floor. So you balled your fist and walked out of the hallway.

Just when you were at the steps, you heard him. "And where do you think you are going?" Dean didn't sound angry or disappointed, he only sounded resigned. It seemed that he had been waiting for you to bolt, expecting it. The pain his hopeless voice caused, was appalling. He should be yelling, screaming and cursing. So why wasn't he?

You had been flouting around the edges with him for ages now, and in the past few months, things had gotten to where you had hoped they would one day. Nothing had really changed from one day to another, but it was just the way he looked at you, like you were the purest thing in the world. That's when it started to rankle you. Every time that he tried to meet your eyes, you withdrew from him. The soft kisses that you once craved, made you avert your face. When you couldn't take it anymore, you moved out of his room, and back into your room.

But even then, it hurt. The small voice in your head repeated all the reasons why you were screwing up Dean's life by staying in it. The man was clearly falling in love with you, but you knew better, and he deserved better.

Dean repeated his words, "Where are you going Y/N?"

You said nothing.

He closed the distance between the two of you in three long strides, gripping you by your arms. "Why are you doing this to me, to us?"

"You won't understand," your voice broke on the last word.

"Try me," he said, his voice was low, but you knew him too well to miss the undercurrent there. If he hadn't been before, he was angry now. "I am the last person who would ever say this, but you have all these walls up, just fucking let me in."

What were you going to tell him? There was no reason, except that in every cell of your body, you knew you didn't deserve him. That was reason enough for you. How could you possibly explain that you felt so undeserving, that every moment with him felt like a stab wound, which left bleeding insecurities in its wake. You feared above everything that a day would come when Dean wouldn't love you anymore, wouldn't look at you the way he did now. One day he would see how worthless you were, and then move on. Where would you be then?

Wasn't it better to never have been loved at all? Instead of having someone who loved you, and then tire of you. The truth was you couldn't trust anyone to love you for you. There was nothing special about you. You weren't exceptionally good looking, neither were you the smartest. You simply existed.

Dean had asked you to let the walls down, but you had put them there brick by brick, over time where you reminded yourself every day that it was better this way. What if you spilled your heart out, and he felt disgusted? Of the things you did and of the things that were done to you? What if he looked at you differently? There was no going back from that.

You had begun to wonder whether it had been better when you were in one-sided love with him. At least then you didn't have to carry this constant fear of disappointing him. If he hadn't been yours to begin with, there would be no question of losing him. Of him distancing himself from you like every other god forsaken person had. So you would rather leave on your terms than wait for him to show you the door, because one day he would… everybody did… you were sure of it.

The truth was, you were so faithless, there was no going back, and there was no way you could explain this to Dean, so you shrugged out of his grip harshly. You didn't look up to see his broken expression as you sprinted across from him and out of the bunker door. You didn't hear him cry out for you, plead you to come back. You just left. He would learn to love another you told yourself, but you could never love yourself enough to let him love you. And Dean deserved better, he always will.

I’m not tagging the entire Dean list cause it’s 4 in the morning and I’m tired, also it’s a drabble so ;) Just a couple of folks who might be interested!

@sdavid09 @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @grace-for-sale @bellastellaluna @thevioletthourr @deanssweetheart23 @mamapeterson @feelmyroarrrr @melonberri @jotink78 @mrswhozeewhatsis 

Challenge tags: @impalaimagining @wayward-oneshots

[jensen-jarpad]

Imagine selling your soul for Dean

Author: @jensen-jarpad

Characters: Dean x Reader

Warnings: carachters death. This is sad!

A/N: This is for Angst Appreciation Day 201& - hosted by @thing-you-do-with-that-thing and @percywinchester27

Feedback is always appreciated! ❤

You started hearing it two days ago. The growl, the paws hitting the gravel outside the bunker. Every Time you heard it you grew weaker. It was coming.

In one of your drawers you found the glasses Dean gave to you on one of your hunts, at least you would be able to see the son of a bitch coming.

“What’s up with the glasses?” - Dean was sitting in the library, you sat beside him and he kissed you gently.

“Gonna do some research!”

“You don’t wear glasses” - He took them off your face and analyzed it - “Isn’t this the one you used on that last hellhound case? Is there a new case? Are we gonna hunt one?”

You took a deep breath and thought about lying to him. But you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. You never planned on telling him. You were supposed to go down without having to deal with this pain.

“No. We’re not gonna hunt one. But there’s one hunting me.”

He stared at you. A lost expression on his face. He was trying to take in what you said but he just couldn’t believe the words that came out of your mouth.

“What the hell? What did you do?”

“I saved you” - Tears were streaming down your face and Dean’s eyes were filled with emotion.

“What? How - What?”

“Last year, the case where you “almost died”, I asked Cas to tell you that. I asked him to keep the secret. And he told you the story just as I asked him to. You were unconscious, almost dead, but Cas got there right on time to heal you.” - You could see he was putting it together, he knew what you did. - “But Cas didn’t get there on time. Neither did I. When I finally found you in the middle of the woods you were dead.”

“You sold your soul?” - You nodded

“I couldn’t stand it. I called Cas and he helped me take you to a cabin near by. We tried things, nothing worked. You were dead. Two days without you and I was a wreck! I couldn’t stand it. It broke me”

“Does Sam know about this?” - You shook your head and took a deep breath trying to recompose yourself.

“No. I told him the same thing we told you. We told him that the three days after that hunt we decided to keep you on the motel cause you were still healing.”

“But why?”

“Why? What do you mean?”

“Why did you sell you soul for me?”

“Because I was broken. You were gone and I was lost!” - He got up and grabbed a wiskey bottle and took a swig.

“So you just decided to bring me back! Great! What are the consequences, huh? For you? None… you have me here! But now that hellhound is here to get you! DO YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT HOW I WOULD FEEL? AM I JUST SUPPOSE TO LOSE YOU NOW?!”

You were taken aback by his reaction. He was right. You were selfish.

“I just thought the world would be better with Dean Winchester in it. I’m sorry.”

~

“Hey beautiful

This was the way I used to wake you up every single morning. I’m gonna keep saying it, cause you’ll always be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I just needed to let some stuff out. It’s been two months and I miss you like crazy! This hurts more than anything I’ve ever been through, and we both know I’ve been through a lot of shit.

You know what is really fucking heartbreaking in all of this? I saw you there, lifeless, in pieces, ripped apart from that hellhound. But I was the one who ended up shattered. I’m a mess, I’m broken, I’m lost. I remember that’s why you brought me back. Cause that’s how you felt. I want you back. I wanna hug you, kiss you, touch you. I wanna stare into your (Y/E/C) eyes again. I want everything we had, I want it back! But I can’t have it. I tried. I’m sorry for failing. The world would be a better place with you in it. I love you.”

Add yourself to my tag list! 

Tags: @not-moose-one-shots ; @impalaimagining ; @iwantthedean ; @riversong-sam ; @27bmm ; @super100012 ; @spontaneousam ; @notnaturalanahi ; @mogaruke ; @imagining-supernatural ; @mrswhozeewhatsis ; @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki ; @purgatoan ; @teamfreewill-imagine ; @growningupgeek ; @wonderange ; @youre-my-grxvity ; @1amluke ; @deathtonormalcy56 ; @winchesters-favorite-girl ; @atc74 ; @bea789 ; @mamapeterson ; @leenasleena-blog ; @percussiongirl2017 ; @fabulouslycassie ; @kickasscas67 ; @sam-w ; @malisreadytopartayy ; @wayward-marvel-sommer1196 ; @jayankles ; @brihughes4 ; @musical-potterheads ; @supernatural-jackles ; @quiddy-writes ; @waywardjoy ; @spn-fan-girl-173 ; @thing-you-do-with-that-thing ; @crowleys-niece ; @akshi8278 ; @bemyqueenofdarkness ; @salvachester

[deansdirtylittlesecretsblog]

There You’ll Always Be

Title:  There You’ll Always Be

Author:  Dean’s Dirty Little Secret

Characters:  Sam Winchester x Eileen Leahy

Word Count: 1579

Warnings:  language, character death, implied sexual activity, angst

Author’s Notes:  written for @klaineaholic 400 Follower Celebration. My prompt:  “If you’re the one protecting me… Then who’s the one protecting you!?” I also decided to use it for Angst Appreciation Day. Thank you @mamapeterson for helping me angst when I couldn’t angst. I took some liberties with the dialogue in 12.21 There’s Something About Mary.

In my heart there is a memory, and there you’ll always be.

You can never be sure if this time will be the last time - the last time you smell her hair, the last time you see her smile, the last time you feel her touch, the last time you get to kiss her. If Sam had known that the last time he saw Eileen would be the last time he saw her, he would have told her everything.

Everything.

Dean kept teasing him, good-natured teasing, the “older brother thinks it’s cute you’ve got a crush on her” kind of teasing that legitimately made Sam blush. Of course, he gave it back tenfold when it came to Dean’s feelings for a certain sheriff in Minnesota, the two of them shooting barbs back and forth until they were both breaking down in fits of laughter. It had meant to a lot to him though when Dean had clapped him on the shoulder and muttered “she’s good people, Sammy,” before pulling a beer from the fridge and leaving him to practice.

He’d taken some American Sign Language classes in college, what felt like a million years ago, but he only remembered the basics like ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ the stuff everyone knew. He wanted to learn more, wanted to be able to actually talk to Eileen, so he’d found a website to help him. God knew, when he set his mind to something, he gnawed at it like a dog with a bone, until he’d figured it out or perfected it. Learning sign language wasn’t any different.

He got nervous every time he Skyped with her, sure he was going to make an idiot of himself in front of her. He wanted it to be perfect, wanted to make sure he wasn’t telling her to go jump off of a cliff or something like that. Eileen was infinitely patient with him, correcting his mistakes with a gentle smile on her face, giggling when he really messed something up. He appreciated her patience.

They’d been talking steadily for a couple of months when Eileen suggested they get together for coffee, maybe even dinner. Sam had agreed, so quickly he was afraid he’d come across as too eager. He was grateful she’d been the one to ask, he’d been worried that if he did it, she’d think he was looking for some quick hook-up or something. That was certainly not his intention.

He’d had to borrow the Impala from Dean, enduring several minutes of good-natured teasing and his stupid older brother shoving condoms in his duffel, despite his protests.

“Just in case,” Dean had chuckled, winking.

When Jody said her name, he flinched and for a second, he forgot how to breathe, how to draw in a breath and let it out, expanding his lungs until they were full, then releasing the air. He heard Jody talking, heard the words coming from her, heard himself responding, but it was all happening in a vacuum of sound and air.

“Thanks for letting me know. Bye.” Sam disconnected the call, his eyes on the floor, like maybe she’d somehow appear in front of him.

“Who?” Dean asked.

“Eileen,” Sam answered.

“How?”

Somehow, he answered his brother, somehow he told him what Jody had said. He could feel the tears threatening, could feel that familiar tightening in his chest, the ache in the center of his head, the tremble in his fingers that came every time he lost someone he cared about, someone he loved. It was all too familiar.

It was always the people he loved that got hurt. First it was Mom, then Jess. Dad. Madison. Dean followed suit later. Ellen, Jo, Bobby, Kevin, Charlie; anyone and everyone in between that he let himself get emotionally attached to in one way or another. It was like the universe was conspiring against him to take everyone away from him.

Now, it was Eileen.

Sam met Eileen just west of Kansas City, a couple hours south of Lebanon at a hole in the wall restaurant just off the highway that he and Dean had eaten at quite a few times. It looked like nothing, but they had amazing food.

Four cups of coffee later, Sam’s knee was bouncing, his fingers tapping on the table, and Eileen looked like she might bolt for the door. He was royally screwing this up.

“You okay, Sam?” she signed.

“Yeah, yeah,” he replied, clearing his throat. “I’m, uh, I’m good.”

Eileen reached across the table and grabbed his tapping fingers. “Even though I can’t hear that, it’s still driving me crazy” she said.

Sam shook his head and laughed. “Sorry. You want to get out of here, maybe go for a walk?”

“You could walk me back to the motel,” she shrugged. “If you want?”

Sam nodded and pushed himself out of the booth. He dropped some money to the table and gestured for Eileen to go out ahead of him. She waited for him at the door, linked her arm with his as they walked down the street, the two of them comfortable in their silence.

They stopped outside the door to her room, Eileen leaning against it, Sam fidgeting, staring at a spot just over her shoulder. There had to be something he could say, something he could do, to stretch the evening out longer. He was so lost in his thoughts that Eileen had to snap her fingers in Sam’s face until he looked at her. As soon as his eyes settled on her face, on the warm brown of her eyes, his decision was made. He took a step forward, cupped her face in his hands, caught her lips in his, and kissed her.

When they finally broke apart, her arms around his waist, his body flush against hers pressing her into the door, they were both panting and Eileen was smiling up at him.

“I was wondering if you were going to do that,” she laughed.

“I’m glad you said that,” Sam chuckled. “I was afraid you’d punch me.”

Eileen laughed, tucked her hair behind her ear, and pulled the key to her room from her pocket. “Why don’t you come in?” she grinned.

Sam drew in a deep breath and swallowed. He couldn’t look away, couldn’t stop staring at the length of her neck, a neck he’d kissed, now marred by deep bruising and cuts. Or the curve of her jaw - she was ticklish, right there beneath her chin, a little to the left of her throat. He reached out and ran a finger down the length of her arm, remembering how soft and warm she’d been.

“People who do what we do, you know there are gonna be deaths, but...this…” He gnawed on his lower lip, trying to hold in his need to scream, to yell out his pain, to flip the table and watch the instruments tumble to the ground.

“Why did she leave Ireland?” Dean asked.

“I don’t know, Dean…”

He could hear it in his voice, the pain, the exasperation, the loss. Every word that followed felt like it was thick, stuck in his throat, blocked by layers of emotion, forced out by sheer will. It was all churning inside of him, everything, all of it, waiting to explode.

“I-I…” Sam exhaled, the sound sharp and biting. “I wanna punch something in the face.”

“Good,” Dean said. “Hold on to that.”

They were sitting cross-legged on the bed, facing each other, the sheet wrapped around Eileen’s torso, Sam in his boxer briefs. It was the first time they’d come up for air in three days, their need for each other almost desperate.

“I don’t want you to go,” Sam shook his head, his hair falling in his face. “You should stay with me, come back to the bunker. I can protect you -”

“If you’re the one protecting me… Then who’s the one protecting you?” Her hands were flying, moving so fast Sam could barely make out what she was saying.

He reached out, wrapped his huge hands around her waist and pulled her into his lap. She collapsed against him, her face buried against the side of his neck, her breathing fast and erratic, her tears falling on his shoulder.

“I will protect you. Always.” he murmured against her hair. Sam knew she couldn’t hear him, wasn’t sure he wanted her to. The words were for him.  

He knew how hard it had been for her since she’d shot that British kid, how much she’d struggled with what had happened, with her guilt. He wished he could take that all away from her, carry that burden for himself. For now he’d just have to try and comfort her as best he could.  

He lowered her to the bed, intent on making her forget everything that had happened, if only for a little while. He needed his fill of her before she was gone.

“She left Ireland because she was scared.”

Dean’s words echoed in his head. She was scared. Scared enough to ask if she could come and stay with them while she “sorted things out.” Scared enough to reach out for help.

He stared out the window, watching the houses flash by as Dean drove back to the bunker. His heart was pounding, tears sliding down his face, his hands shaking.

He’d failed her. Failed her when she’d needed him most.

“I will protect you. Always.”

He was a liar.

Forever:  @jensennjared @mrswhozeewhatsis @the-mrs-deanwinchester @official-shipper @brooklyn-writes-flangst @climbthatmooselikeatree @mamapeterson @katnharper @raeganr99 @skybinx-blog @winchesterr67 @grellsutcliff105 @arikas5744 @faegal04 @the-girl-of-your-nightmares @mrsjohnsmith @mogaruke @courageoussam @nerdwholikesword @growningupgeek @virgosapphire79 @sleep-silent-angel @bkwrm523 @iwriteshortstuff @for-the-love-of-dean @nichelle-my-belle @deandoesthingstome @andiamsoinlovewithyou @pizzarollpatrol @misswhizzy @supernatural-jackles @waywardjoy @awkwardnerdqueen @valee-ppiew @superbluhoo2 @deansbaekaz2y5 @roseangel013bf @jencharlan @kickasscas67 @neanealuv @deanscherrypie @kittenofdoomage @tjforston @purgatoan @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms @sckslife @sis-tafics @youwerelikeadream @i-dream-of-dean @impala-with-wings @bringmesomepie56 @basmaraafat @oriona75 @writingbeautifulmen @ultimatecin73 @gemini75eeyore @vote-for-pedro @tom-is-in-my-tardis @percywinchester27 @mysteriouslyme81 @faith-in-dean @that1seniorchick @milkymilky-cocopuff @atc74 @s4m-w1nch3st3r5287 @winsmut @squirrelchester @demonangelimpala @justacaliforniandreamer @xxsugarturtle @findingfitnessforme @wvnchxstxr @winchestergirl-love @petrovadixon @colorfuluniversewhispers @love-kittykat21 @velcr0kitty @spookypeyton @frickfracklesackles @ria132love @shhhs3cret @harleenquinzzel @icantfindacreativeurl @gallifreyansass @anotherotter @kaitlynmarie1120 @giftofdreams @not-moose-one-shots @you-didnt-see-that-cuming @emoryhemsworth @fangirlofeverythingme @goldenolaf25 @nanie5 @cameronbraswell @luulaachops @upon-a-girl @goofynerd-67babylove

[thewhiterabbit42]

All That Remains

Summary: He doesn’t mean to break your heart...

Pairing: Gabriel x Reader

Word count: 848

Warnings/Tags: Angst

Authors Note: Written for SPN Angst Appreciation Day.   All tags are at the end - if you see a line through your name, your tag wouldn’t work.  Sorry!

Special thanks to @sumara62 (as always) for the wonderful beta skills and encouragement.  

***Please do not repost or copy my work to any other site without my written permission.  Giving credit does NOT count.  Reblogging is ok.***

He doesn’t mean to break your heart, but he does in the worst of ways, this beautiful archangel of yours.  Every time you’re with him, another part of you splinters and jars loose, falling to the floor where it shatters into so many tiny fragments there’s no hope of mending them.  Just when you think the pain can’t be any worse, he walks over them, pieces grinding like fallen glass until they’re dust beneath his feet.  

No matter how many times you try to sweep it under the rug, a fine layer of your heartache remains.

It doesn’t stop you from getting lost in those eyes of his, those vast green seas tied together with a smattering of amber that sing golden in the sun.  Those rare things of beauty that make you want to weep because they’ll never sing for you again.  It doesn’t mean they don’t try.  Merciful Maker how they do try, for you, for himself, but the place in which you both remain is dark and stifling and the only light you can find is a cheap imitation of his Father’s creation.

They still sparkle with his mirth.  They still dance with mischief.  They just don’t resonate with the life they once had.  He is not the same and neither are you, and that difference sometimes makes you feel like he exists outside your reality, even when you’re lying in his arms.

Some days are easier than others.  Some he lets you sink beneath the silence to start, and those are the days you prefer most.  It’s less painful than having it sneak into conversations that soon become stagnant.  That’s when ceaseless loops encircle his tongue, tugging you round and round until you’re so dizzy with disappointment that by the time the everlasting ache weaves together with your rising resentment, it’s all you can do to even stand him any longer.  

You’re not certain how much longer you even can stand.  The past never fails to bring you to your knees, even though everything lurches forward in an infinitely slow crawl.  Weeks pass, days pass, hours – and yet the seconds lose all meaning when the sun sets and rises on a horizon whose affirmations of a new day have all but been extinguished.

Fallacy rings in words of wisdom designed to bring hope when little can be found.  How can love find a way when it no longer blossoms but burns, engraving venom in the voids where missing pieces once remained?  How can time heal all wounds when yours are torn asunder whenever you return?  For he looks like him, smells like him, tastes and sounds like him, but your heart knows the difference, and that is why it bears the brunt of this weight.  

You know what sleeps beside you at night and it is not your Gabriel.  

He told you once he’d never leave you.

Your response rang with fears that lurked far and long beneath the surface, the roots so entrenched there was no hope of removal, then or now.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

So long as you come home to me, sweetheart, I’ll always be here.

He kept his word, just like he vowed, just like your heart knew he would.

It would have been kinder if he hadn’t.

Your anger seethes beneath the surface, intertwining with your grief in ways that make breathing feel impossible because those promises are strewn about, mixed with the fractured pieces of what was and what will never be.  

What once was filled with love and warmth and endless possibility has grown as cold as the one responsible for this.  Your home is now your tomb, in memoriam all but carved across the doorways of each and every room that whispers with the echoes of his presence and yours.  You haunt them just as much as he does, gliding from one empty space to the next in hopes that a spark of life might be found somewhere, somehow.  

You know you’ll never find it again.   

You know what you live is a lie, born of good intentions and the love you so desperately miss, but forever twisted by the cruel reality that you can never replace what’s been lost.  You knew. You knew.  The moment he decided to face Lucifer, he would never come home to you again.   

The irony that the mighty Loki would be laid to rest in the Elysian Fields is not lost on you.

He doesn’t mean to break your heart, but he does in the worst of ways, because that beautiful archangel of yours is gone.  All that’s left is an echo.  One that cannot leave your house.  One that will not leave you alone.  It’s the last remaining fragment and you cannot bear to let it slip from your grasp.  You grip it in your hands, so tight that those jagged edges of imperfection catch hold to the very fabric of your being.  There, you will allow it to pull you apart, stitch by agonizing stitch, until it is all that remains of either of you.  

Everything tags: @girl-next-door-writes @wayward-mirage @sumara62 @fand0maniac @feelmyroarrrr @omgreganlove @jannalionheart @baritonechick, @deaths-maiden @lucifer-in-leather @stone-met   @the-moose-of-baskerville @summer-binging-spn  @blondecoffeecake  @raspberrypuddle @ourloveisforthelovely @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester @crowley-you-sinnamon-roll

 Gabe Squad: @theblackenedsky @bloodstained-porcelain-doll @pepperwoodatnight @lacqueluster @samikitten @ludwigs-a-monster @a-vast-african-plain @onlyanothersocialcasualty

[imagineteamfreewill]

And Then We Go Home

Title: And Then We Go Home

Pairing: Reader x Dean

Word Count: 2,027

Beta: @jpadjackles

Warnings: Character death, angst; mentions of blood, missing your own bed, and waffles

A/N: This is based off a request, which listed at the bottom because I didn’t want to give too much away. Sorry to whoever requested this forever ago, I didn’t mean to take so long in writing it. Hope you enjoy!

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Dean’s arm snaking over your waist was what really woke you up, but you pretended as if you were still sleeping until he began to press soft kisses to the back of your shoulders and neck. Humming, you turned around so your chest was pressed against his and blinked up at him, giving him a slow, sleepy smile.

“Good morning,” you sighed. Dean chuckled quietly and kissed you on the lips.

“Good morning,” he murmured, smiling back at you. “Did you know that you snore?”

“I do not! Dean Winchester, take that back!”

He laughed, shaking his head and kissing the tip of your nose. “It’s cute, Y/N. It’s not a bad thing.”

Rolling your eyes at him, you tried to hide your smile as you rolled out of bed and picked up your clothes from where you’d left them the night before. You could feel Dean’s eyes on your naked form as you carried them over to your duffel bag and searched around for something clean to wear.

“See something you like?” you asked, not turning around.

“Definitely,” Dean replied. You could tell he was grinning like the Cheshire Cat just from the sound of his voice. Setting down the clothes in your hand, you turned around and faced him, putting a hand on your hip.

“I think I’m gonna take a shower,” you told him. Dean gave you a blank look, waiting to see how your statement applied to him. “Wanna join?” You grinned and cocked an eyebrow suggestively.

He was climbing out of bed before you’d picked up your clean clothes again, and you couldn’t help but laugh when he grabbed your hand and pulled you to the motel bathroom, shutting the door behind you.

Two hours later, you and Dean piled into the Impala, where Sam was already waiting for you. He’d gotten his own room for this hunt, knowing that you and his brother needed some time alone together after weeks of being on the road and sharing a single motel room, and for that, you were eternally grateful.

“Thanks again,” you said, leaning over the back of the front seat to kiss Sam’s cheek. “I promise we made good use of the room.”

Sam laughed and gave you a smile, glancing over at Dean. “Careful you don’t make Dean here too jealous,” he teased.

“Trust me,” Dean laughed, “I ain’t gonna get jealous over one little kiss. After all, I get plenty of my own. Right, Baby?”

“Right,” you replied. You slid over on the bench seat so you were on his side, then leaned forward again to kiss his cheek, just as you had Sam’s.

“Oh, I was talking to Baby,” Dean grinned, running his hands over the Impala’s steering wheel. You scoffed and slapped his arm playfully, pretending to be offended. Laughing, Dean stuck the key in the ignition and started up the engine.

“So I know we were planning on going back to the bunker…” Sam started.

You groaned and sat back in your seat, all traces of playfulness gone. “Come on, Sam! Not another one! I wanna go home! I miss my bed!”

Dean shot his brother an annoyed look but didn’t say anything as he pulled out of the motel’s lot and onto the main road of town.

“I know, I know. But an old hunter friend of Dad’s called and it’s just some trouble with some demons, but he’s already got enough on his hands. It’ll be quick, plus we owe this guy a big favor. Just two more days, Y/N. It’s not gonna be that bad, I promise,” Sam pleaded.

Chewing on your lip, you narrowed your eyes at him and watched as he turned to face you when you didn’t reply right away. “Fine,” you grumbled. “But this is the last one, and then we go home. Deal?”

“Deal.”

_________________

“On the left!” you screamed. Your voice was already hoarse from shouting directions at Sam and Dean, but you had no choice. The few demons that you’d been called in to kill had turned out to be twelve more than originally expected, meaning that you and the boys were easily outnumbered and drastically underpowered.

“I got ‘em!” Dean shouted back.

Out of the corner of your eye, you watched as he swung his arm hard, stabbing the demon below its collarbone. Orange-gold light lit up the demon as he crumpled to the carpeted floor of the empty townhouse.

“Y/N, watch out!”

Sam had barely gotten the words out by the time you’d whirled around and punched the she-demon in the face. She staggered back, surprised, giving you time to bring your knife up in one smooth motion. Her body was on the floor in seconds, and you pulled your knife out from the skin underneath her chin to continue the fight. Behind you, the boys were still fighting hard, and you could hear their grunts and heavy footfalls as you squared off with another one of the demons.

The demon now in front of you grinned wide as he raised his hand, using his power to push you back toward a wall. You struggled against him, but his power was much stronger than the other demons you’d fought already. He hadn’t been weakened by any of the traps you’d set around the house, and he hadn’t already been fighting, which gave him a big advantage over you.

“Dean!” you croaked, just before the demon had the sense to cut off your voice as well.

Dean turned from his own fight and saw what was happening. In an instant, he’d ganked the demon he was facing off with and was heading your way.

Growling, the demon let you go with a flick of his hand, sending you flying across the living room. You crashed into a writing desk that was pushed against the far wall, causing the breath to be knocked out of you. After coughing and gasping in a few deep breaths, you scrambled to your feet to see that the other demons had cleared out of the house. Sam was gone, no doubt to check and make sure that no more were hiding in any of the bedrooms upstairs, which left you and Dean alone with the demon.

Dean had just been knocked to the floor as you got to your feet and grabbed your knife from where it had fallen, and it was to your horror that the demon kept advancing on him, even though his back was turned. With your heart pounding in your chest, you leaped into action and sprinted the last few feet separating you from them. The demon was bringing his knife down to stab Dean in the back of his shoulder when you slid between the two of them.

“No!” you cried, feeling the demon’s own knife ripping into the skin of your abdomen. Dean was still behind you as you toppled backward, knocking him back down to the floor. Whimpering, you shifted yourself off of his body as best as you could so that he could get up once more.

“Don’t worry about me,” you rasped, frantically motioning for Dean to follow the fleeing demon as you bled out, soaking the carpet beneath you.

He didn’t even hesitate to run to the bottom of the stairs, shouting up for Sammy to go after the demon. You watched as he came back to the living room and knelt beside you, tossing his knife onto the floor above your head.

“Sweetheart, you gotta keep pressure on this for me. I’m gonna get you out to the car and we’re gonna find a hospital,” Dean said, his voice hurried and frantic. He took your hand and pressed it hard against one side of the gash, causing the pain to intensify and more tears to form in your eyes.

You hadn’t even realized that you were crying.

A pained whimper left you as he slid one arm under your neck and the other under the back of your knees. Startling, white-hot pain ripped through you when he tried to lift you, and your free hand flew to clutch the shoulder of his canvas jacket. You could feel the sticky, wet blood beneath your other hand, and any other time you would have wanted to vomit, but for now, you tried to focus on stopping the bleeding and stopping Dean from moving you again.

“Stop!” you shouted. “Don’t! You can’t! It hurts, Dean, oh God, it hurts so bad.”

“I know, baby, I know. But we’ve gotta get you to a hospital,” Dean replied.

He shook his head and tried to lift you again just as Sam stumbled into the room. Sam’s eyes landed on you, then grew wide with fear. “Dean, what—”

“Get the car!” Dean ordered.

Sam nodded frantically and ran out the front door again.

“D— Dean, I can’t—” You had to stop talking because your teeth were chattering too hard. Cold was seeping up your arms and legs, making you curl against him for warmth. It’s the blood loss, your brain said. The adrenaline from the fight had made you tired, and now all you wanted to do was close your eyes and go to sleep.

“That sounds s— so good…” you murmured, looking at the clock over Dean’s shoulder. It was half past three in the morning, and you wondered if any diners were still open. Maybe after you took a nap and after the boys cleaned up the demon bodies, the three of you could stop and get waffles on your way out of town.

“Y/N. Y/N! Talk to me, sweetheart. What sounds so good right now? Tell me what sounds good.”

Dean shook you, causing you to whimper a little. You looked up and met his eyes, surprised to see he was crying. Suddenly, your brain snapped back into place, reminding you of what had just happened.

“I’m gonna die,” you whispered, feeling suddenly terrified at the prospect of not living.

Above you, Dean shook his head hard. Something wet landed on your cheek when he did, and you realized that it was one of his tears.

“No, Y/N, you’re gonna be just fine. You’re gonna be just fine, sweetheart, I promise. I’ve seen worse wounds than this.” Dean said. He pressed his lips together and forced a weak, shaky smile, and it occurred to you that Dean was trying to be brave on your behalf.

Silently, you looked back at the clock again, trying to read the time. The numbers were blurry and you blinked a few times to make them clear again, but it didn’t work. Somewhere above you, Dean was speaking, but the warmth of his body against you seemed distant and you couldn’t pull yourself to focus on his voice. It was too much work right now; you were too tired to listen to him. You’d ask him what he was trying to tell you later after you felt better.

Your mind wandered once more to the route home. You’d have to go through the tiny downtown part of the town, then take the same field-lined highway you’d driven in on to get back to the main road. Once you were there, you were home free. It was a straight shot to Lebanon, and then you’d be back in the bunker and able to sleep in your own, soft bed. You’d missed that bed more than anything.

“You’re gonna be just fine, I promise. I’m not gonna let you go, Y/N. I’m gonna take care of you, just like I said I would. Remember? I told you I’d take care of you, and I will. Once you’re all healed up, we’ll head out and go back home, and we can sleep in our own beds and I’ll make us burgers for lunch after we’ve taken a long hot shower and gotten some rest. I’ll even suffer through your snoring again. Does that sound good? Y/N?”

Dean’s voice was wild again.

“That’s what I said,” you murmured. Hadn’t he been listening to you talk about the bunker just now?

 3:32 AM.

_________________

Request: Hi! Can I send a request in where the reader dies in Dean’s arms after she jumped in front of him to save him from a demon. And she can’t focus on him and he’s telling her everything is going to be fine. Please make it sad! Thanks xoxo

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Forever, Sam, Dean, Cas, Deaf!Reader, Words Series (Multiple Pairings/Characters), Home Series (Reader x Marine!Sam) - Unposted, From The Dead Series (Reader x Soldier!Dean), The Switch Series (Reader x Sam), Sam x Meg 2.0, Blog/Series Updates, and Drabble Days/Writing Events

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Forever Tags: @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki @deathtonormalcy56 @purgatoan @feelmyroarrrr  @shadowgirl077 @mogaruke @jayankles @amaranthinecastiel @jpadjackles @d-s-winchester @kickasscas67 @mrswhozeewhatsis @therebel1967 @supernatural-harrypotter7 @allinhishands @ultimatecin73 @crystallstaircase @a-screaming-ghost @huffleypuffelycas @procrastinating-fallen-angel @kittycat-cas @dracsgirl @deansleather @queenindecisive @wildfirekhaleesi @fuckyeahfeysand @sandlee44 @plaidstiel-wormstache @spontaneousam @writingbeautifulmen @kristaparadowski @adaliamalfoy @winchesterforever12 @fangirl1802 @supernaturalyobessed @mamaredd123 @findingfitnessforme @a-broken-hunter @weepingrebelhottub @notesfromalabprincess @dustycelt @becaamm @riversong-sam @you-know-whodoesthat-crazypeople @therewillbeblood @raylin19 @maddieburcham1 @fangirlwithasweettooth @ohgodjensen @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes @notmoose45 @yvngkinggchristyy @becs-bunker @wingsanddarkness @docharleythegeekqueen @xthefuckerysquaredx

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[faith-in-dean]

Whatever It Takes

Request: For an angst request maybe a dean x reader where they were dating and had a fight right before Dean died in a hunt? No problem if you don't end up using this one. I love your blog and your writing! You are one of my fave spn fic writers. Have a good day! by Anonymous

Words: 785

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Warnings: Character Death, Angst

A/N: This was a pretty much last minute Angst Appreciation Day fic and thank you to that Anon for sending in this request!

When you first heard the news you couldn’t believe it. Yet it sounded so real, Sam couldn’t fake the hurt in his voice like that. But Dean… he was too good of a hunter to die like that. You just couldn’t believe it. At least not until you would see it with your own two eyes.

This all wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t fight with Dean last night. If you would’ve just kept your cool and didn’t make such a big fuss out of it. But how couldn’t you? He hurt you and it sure wasn’t for the first time. Someone had to mention it, right?

But what if all of this could have been avoided? Would Dean still be alive right now?

Tears were streaming down your face as you drove to the hospital with the memories of the previous night still in your head.

~~~

You still weren’t sure about going back to a bar with Dean. In the past, you had already made some rather unpleasant encounters and Dean never seemed to be changing anything about his behavior at all.

But of course, with his awfully great charm, he convinced you to join him, have a drink and just hang out. Whyever a couple would have to do that at a bar. However, you still gave in, even if you wouldn’t drink.

And how you regretted it.

Barely half an hour in and there were already some women walking over to him, trying to wrap him around their fingers, though lucky for you, they walked aways as soon as you told them that his girlfriend, aka you, was sitting right next to him.

Except for one woman. Of course, there always had to be that one exception.

One hot blonde, you really had to admit that she was hot, walked over almost throwing her boobs out at Dean as she already fucked him with her eyes.

“Hey sweetheart, got any plans for tonight?” she asked, curling her straight her around her finger.

“A few,” Dean shrugged, looking at her. He didn’t even tell her off. And it was really beginning to bother you.

“Actually, he has and he as a girlfriend sitting right here,” you answered before the blonde could say anything else.

“Well, if he was happy with you, he wouldn’t be out in a bar drinking. So how about it sweetheart we go somewhere else?” she barely paid any attention to you before going back to her attempt of getting into Dean’s pants.

“Listen, sugar. You are a really nice girl but-” Dean started but you already had enough, just storming out of the bar without another word.

“Y/N, wait,” Dean sighed when he finally caught up with you, grabbing you by the wrist.

“No. Dean I am done with you and this. How many times am I supposed to watch women flirt with you and how many times am I the one to tell them off? I’m sick of you just not having the balls to do so. I thought we were in a relationship but it seems like for you I’m just a girl you can fuck more than once,” you nearly yelled at him, ripping yourself free from his grip.

“Damn it, you need to start relaxing and stop being so jealous all the time! We could have way more fun out here if you did just that!” Dean protested and you thought your ears, your own two ears, were lying to you.

“Are you serious right now?! That’s as if I would say stop being so damn protective over me but I guess that’s totally different because then it’s about you and your feelings that will get hurt if you don’t get to protect me. I’m done with you Dean Winchester, go get some other pussy if you can’t even stand up for your own girlfriend,” you shook your head, running off, not caring about whatever he told you.

~~~

It was real. Everything Sam said was real and you felt sick to your stomach. Not that you felt sick already either way. But seeing Dean’s lifeless body? It was breaking your heart, knowing you could have prevented this from happening. He could be alive.

“I’m sorry I upset you so much… I should have come back to you… Should have made up with you. I was just so… so lost. You don’t know what it feels like when so many women are attracted to your boyfriend…” you sobbed quietly.

“I just… I can’t lose you, Dean… Not now. I will… I will do anything to get you back… for us… for… for our baby… I just… I need you to come back. Whatever it takes.”

@thing-you-do-with-that-thing @trinityjadec @smoothdogsgirl @mayasmedberg @sassysupernaturalsweetheart @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki @xtina2191 @melonberri @mysteriouslyme81 @deanandsamsbitch @castieltrash1 @thebunkerismyhome @panic-angel3314 @whoopxd @charliebradbury1104 @sis-tafics @fuckyeahfeysand @netflixandcastiellll @scarygoodfanfics @moose-lyfe @helvonasche @angelofwinchester17 @purgatoan @chrisevansthedoritobastard @writingbeautifulmen @sleepywinchester @lakama15 @bennyyh @omg-its-laurien @supernaturallymarvellous @deansbaekaz2y5 @fangirl1802 @mrswhozeewhatsis @atc74 @whit85-blog @deanmon-tho @feelmyroarrrr @shakeswilde @gabavaldman @supernaturalyobessed @the-sarcastic-mess @smalltownrodeogirl @livelovelike555 @jayankles @curliesallovertheplace @waywardjoy @its-not-candy @roxy-davenport @skybinx-blog @isoldmysoultocrowley @spn-fan-girl-173 @devilgirlsarah @mrstheorossix3 @mogaruke @spnimagines354 @trench-coated-angels @winchesterprincessbride @skathan-omaha @demondeanismybaby @anokhi07 @deanandsamsbitch @evyiione @ilvologivesmetoomuchlife @akshi8278 @thereisnolumos @meganwinchester1999 @carameldaemoncakes @youromglittlesunshine @hexparker @luciisthebest @applepie-and-angelwings @jinksy-ride-with-your-ass @badsongwinchester @donnaintx @lucifer-in-leather @xxwinchester-22xx @cascar24 @luciisthebest @marisayouass @craftersdust 

[supernaturallymarvellous]

Not Like This

A/N: This angst little number was written for the Angst Challenge (prompt in bold) being held by @impalaimagining and @wayward-oneshots but I’m also putting it out there for the SPN Angst Appreciation Day 2017.

Author: @supernaturallymarvellous

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader, Sam Winchester (mentioned)

W/C: 614

Warnings: Major character death, blood, angst (so much angst)

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We got out of the hunting life. Just packed our bags and walked away. After all, the Winchesters had given enough, sacrificed enough, to helping other people and after a while, it was the right time to go and do our own thing. We had been saving everyone else for almost our entire lives and now was the time to put ourselves first, to go and live a normal life. Dean and I were out doing what should have been the simplest of tasks, the most routine and mundane thing you could possible imagine. We were at the local grocery store gathering everything we needed for Thanksgiving. Sam was on his way over, planning on meeting us back at our new home, a little three bed fixer-upper on the edge of town. We were going to celebrate together and have a proper family gathering for what felt like the first time in longer than I cared to remember. I was strolling down the aisles, pushing the shopping cart and methodically working my way through the list I had made, crossing things off as I picked them up from the shelves. Dean was running around, grabbing completely unnecessary items - who needs a three kilogram bag of marshmallows?! - but he looked so happy that I couldn't say no to him. 

We were so consumed by the task in hand that we barely even registered what was going on. The first indication that something was wrong was the cashier's scream, cut off mere seconds later by a hail of bullets which was sent around the entire store by a high powered automatic weapon. Years of surviving dangerous situations had thankfully honed our reactions and we both threw ourselves behind the nearest set of shelves in an attempt to protect ourselves. I could hear the cash register being opened and the whispered voices of the two men that had chosen today of all days to rob the only grocery shop in a thirty mile radius. It was all over in a matter of minutes. No sooner had they arrived and caused utter devastation than they were gone. Ill gotten gains stuffed into a duffel bag, they ran back out through the doors and fled, leaving a trail of carnage behind them. Dean was the first on his feet, already on the phone to emergency services, and making his way quickly to the checkout to see if the innocent staff member was still alive. That's when I started to feel faint. Walking down the aisle to where Dean was now standing felt more difficult than it should have done. And then the pain began and I knew I was in trouble. Placing my hand on my lower abdomen, I could feel the warmth as the blood started to flow through the bullet hole. I hadn't even realised I had been hit, adrenaline too busy pumping its way through my system to let me notice. I crashed to the floor, taking down a whole display case with me, barely managing to call out Dean's name as the pain overwhelmed me. He turned to look at me with pure horror etched across his face. He ran over, skidding across the floor on his knees, and dragged me into his arms. I could feel myself slipping away but I tried so hard to hold on, tried so hard not to let Dean down, not to leave him. I didn't want to go....I wanted to be with him until we grew old together. The last thing I remember was Dean's voice as I closed my eyes for what would be the last time......"Not like this. I can't lose you this way."

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Tagging: @waywardimpalawriter @eileenlikesyou-maybe @hexparker @purgatoan @zepppie @helvonasche @mysteriouslyme81 @mamaredd123 @madamelibrarian @chainez-8 @babypieandwhiskey @supernatural-jackles @wheresthekillswitch @jensen-jarpad @deathtonormalcy56 @thetalesofmooseandsquirrel @notnaturalanahi @just-another-busy-fangirl @casbabydontgoineedyou @redlipstickandplaid @jayankles @autopistaaningunaparte @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @katymacsupernatural

Also tagging some pond members (hope no-one minds): @aprofoundbondwithdean, @manawhaat, @nichelle-my-belle, @roxy-davenport, @kayteonline, @chaos-and-the-calm67, @fandommaniacx, @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell, @impala-dreamer, @frenchybell, @jelly-beans-and-gstrings, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki, @revwinchester